jan 5 new current year

just getting ready for the day. 656 am. i could PROBABLY sleep in an extra 15 minutes. maybe i will eventually do that. but i like having this buffer of time to write a few sentences, check email, and, of course, go make explosive coffee water #2’s like i am about to do right now.

ok did that. i mean its really quick.

anyway yeah my main issue now, and i didnt really have this at the previous job because that job was so stressful and packed that we really never had a chance to talk about anything not job related, we were all just trying to survive day to day. but now that the pace is a little slower THANK GOD, i am pressuring myself to be more social and charismatic and normie.

i mean i will take this new problem ANY DAY over what I faced before. im not complaining haahahha. well i kind of am. but never forget, that in comparison, it is not even 1% as bad altogether. i get a 99% reduction in stress and panic and thats The End Of The Story.

spent like an hour responding to a Support Ticket today that in my previous job, would have been expected to knock out in 20, or better 10 minutes. it doesnt matter if you dont know the answer. find the answer and answer it within 10 minutes. I laboriously wrote an email like the sloth. included Too Much Information and Misinformation. and I probably didnt even need to do ANYTHING, because someone else would be in in the afternoon that knew a lot more about the topic. an SME. but i was determined to Do Something and Add Value and figure out how to use the ticket system better. So I took a shot at it and hopefully superiors say good for him to try this, rather than, oh shit what a stupid fookup, i wish we could fire him, but he’s in the union grrrrrr. he totally did this wrong. gave the person bad advice, poorly written, and used the program in more wrong ways than we could imagine hehehehe.

anyway i did ok i guess. give myself a little more crrrrredit hahaha. had a paltry two customers in today and tried to act like a nice normie to them. painfully awkward small talk. jeez. for a while, i used to be GOOD at this. at my previous job. after i talked to people ALL DARN DAY i got pretty good at small talk. wish the learning curve wasnt that rough. because i cant handle talking to people ALL DARN DAY….well, when its complicated complex shit. and what im doing now is nowhere near as complex. it can get complex, but there are SEVERAL SME’s with Masters Degrees just waiting to Yank the Case from me. Aint No Need to BEG like I did before!

the beotch in the comments is half good and half bad. she says that she is automatically suspicious of anyone who talks of a BEST friend who is opposite sexs,usu means you are in luv with them. i would tend to agree! i guess you can have normal acquaintance friends of the opposite secx, but once you upgrade them to BEST friends or really really really close top tier friends….you are at big risk of getting FEELINGS for them. because of the INTIMACY.

i hate how wimmin dont think SEX is INTIMATE. god damn fooking SAVAGES.

well at least got under in calories today.

would LUV some MJ hahahaha.


i dont HATE small talk. i totally understand the idea of and why small talk is important. i would like to be able to DO small talk! any stupid autist who says small talk is retarded…..well thats a very immature and stupid thing to say. small talk is the basis of everything. big talk. relationships. success. friends. luvers. showing that you have charisma and confidence and that you are a smart cool charming person and worth hanging out with. or you can faily miserably and show what a boring, awkward, desperate, pathetic omega neet virgin you are hahahahahaha. this is all accomplished on the battlefield of small talk. small talk is ridiculously important and big hahahaha. i totally get that.

so yeah i luv the idea of small talk. i hate trying to do it and failing at something so important.

well this job will def be another big step in getting over that woman. makes it more and more distant. but damn i wish i hadnt been so pathetic and stupid and Creepy. wish id been stronger and cooler and not so desperate and needy and clingy.

so apparently you cant just walk into a store and buy MJ in california nao.

i guess i could tell people that i am interested in Relships and read Relship Advice stories a lot. because I honestly DO! this is kinda weird but its prob my most normie interest. i mean, cant talk to people about WN1488, Alt Right, or Black Metal. talking about RELSHIPS sounds completely reasonable and normie next to all that. and I could work in some spin on how casual secs is degenerate and sinful and disgusting.

women can be awkward and it doesnt hurt them, they can still gets jobs and relships. men and women are probably about equally socially awkward, but theres DISPARATE IMPACT on the men.

anyway. re that woman. yeah now that i think about it, a series of long conversations probably wouldnt have done much good. what WOULD have done some good is me making a BRIEF statement EARLY, like: yep i’m starting to act weird and want to hang out all the time becuase i’m starting to get feelings for you. This is getting hard for me to deal with and I don’t mean to Ghost you, but just do me a solid and give me some time and space, because I dont think you feel the same way, and I need some space to get over my feelings for you. Sorry. Best Wishes in life. You are a good person and I don’t mean to dump you. But this is hard for me and it needs a lot of effort from me. Think of a time when you got feelings for a guy friend and he didn’t return them. It was challenging, wasn’t it. The end.”

even that’s a little too long. and then if she did have feelings, she could respond to that. hahahahaha. so yeah. clearly she thought i was the entitled nice guy and was dreading the dreadful conversation where i tried to BEG her to be with me and tell her why she was WRONG when she said she didnt want me. and she didnt want to put up with that.

i mean i was already BEGGING her to respond. why wouldnt i BEG her to reconsider or change her mind or pleeeeease luvvvvv me back. the torture of hours of me begging.

yeah well i didnt even get a chance. thats the point. maybe i would have been mature about it. but desperate luv compromises your maturity. shit.

but yeah. i coulda and SHOULD HAVE finished all this with one SHORT email in december 2014. rip the bandaid off. sorry babe but I like like you. i obv need to get over that because you dont return the feelings. so i have to take a break from this friendship. i dont want to leave you in the lurch so let me know if i can pay an early termination fee or something. reddit said this can hurt for the friend to get friend dumped, so tell me what i can do to make this easier for you. though i promise you its a LOT harder for ME hahahahahahaha because my heart is utterly broken now and I might fall off the wagon and start doing heron again and K myself hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

why would i even LOOK at tinder. its full of sluts who think casual sex is OK. fundamental incompatibility of Core Moral Values.

i want to meet women who think sluts are gross and being a slut is gross. i want to meet women who JUDGE sluts. negatively.


and why are these damn sluts such successful ADULTS. good normie ADULTS. good at college, good at career, people dont think theyre WEIRD, they LEARN shit and UNDERSTAND shit and can EXPLAIN shit. really get deep into blooms taxonomy of learning hahahaha. learn something deeply. you dont learn something until you can teach it to someone else. those who can’t do, teach HAHAHAHAHAHA.

some people say, dont do a masters degree unless you’re passionate and absolutely sure about it. dont half ass it, or use it as a stopgap because you dont know what else to do, you will waste too much money for too little return.

i tend to like this school of thought.

but then there the other side, which is like, we all need to pay our dues and do things that are tough and expensive and struggle in the medium term of 4 years or so, so things pay off 5, 10 years later. the day comes where you put away your childish toys, put on your big boy pants, and accept that you have to go to work for a living, and spent 80% of your waking hours doing things you dont really WANT to do, that you arent really PASSIONATE about, so you might as well maximize this by doing something that will pay off in the long run.

well, i had enough trouble going to college in a state of welp, i dont know what to do, but i got good grades in high school and i’m expected to go to college. so just pay your dues, get the extremely expensive piece of paper, and then you’ll be set.

but that was all lies hahahaha. so now the goalposts are moved? and i should go into GRADUATE school with the same mindset?

yeah but its a lot different getting into grad school than getting into undergrad. i did great in high school and got into a good undergrad without really much effort or maturity or planning. i did completely average in undergrad and could not see myself getting into an above average grad school without totally busting my ass in a go-getting, gung-ho, high-energy way that i have NEVER been.

and it doesnt seem WORF IT to pay shitloads of money to go to an average or below-average grad program, just to treat it as College 2.0 for when College is the New High School and Grad School is the new College and i hate the whole scam system anyway!

but in life you gotta SUCK IT UP and DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!

and why dont NORMIES have such a god damn internal conflict about it? they just go ahead and work hard and GIT R DONE.

heh. i wish i had a Career Coach ever since I was 16, staying on my ass and saying you need to do this, you need to do that.

now some people, their families do that. the chinee high expectations father. you can become doctor or engineer. get your masters degree or youre out of the family. i didnt have that at all, i was SPOILED.

cuz i didnt WANT to do anything. i needed to be trained with the carrot and the stick. left to my own devices in College, i totally went astray. a strong guiding hand, a foot being put down, that prob would have helped me in the long run. classic first world problems of being first in the fam to go to college hehehe. and of course i didnt appreciate that privilege at all. damn.

if i had to go to college, should have gone to local uni and stayed at home so the fam could have kept me in line, from doing stupid shit like MJ and alcohol.

but i still did MJ and alcohol when i was at home! i just hid it really well. i either would have gotten a DUI much earlier (which prob would have been GOOD), and probably did a bit less MJ, which DEF would have been good. definitely would have seen less of those crazy women doing crazy shit, which would have been good.

i dunno. alternate realities and what ifs and all that. i mean i still went crazy over women when being at home.

but yeah. ive never liked SCHOOL, and ive never liked WORK, and doing EITHER is PULLING TEETH.

See those normies? GOALS.

Goals are important. Goals are A Thing. See what happens when you have goals? You should have goals. Get Goals. Goals. Just Achieve Them.

all of education is fooked up. from grade school to grad school. serious fundamental problems with ALL of it.

heh. there should be homeschool grad school.

but you dont NEED grad school!!!!

well grad school is just perfect for some people! they are total grad school nerds! they clearly belong there!

i couldnt see myself getting in just because i couldnt see myself getting convincing recommendations and statement of intent. uhhh i want to get into grad school because i cant get a 26k FT job with a bachelors degree, so i’m really just treating this as high school 3.0. i fookin hate school but this is the bare minimum for being lower middle class in 2000s.

I would MUCH RATHER Just Work A Job. An Entry Level, 25k a year job, than go to god damn grad school. not that i have a good shot at getting into grad school ANYWAY! I have a better chance at getting the 25k a year job! and weve seen how fooking ridiculously godforsakenly hard THAT is! maybe it IS easier getting into a masters degree at a shitty noname school! MBA at phoenix!

yeah but i dont WANT to do an MBA, i would rather do a masters in relationship and despair counseling. which is an inherently useless degree! catch 22 here. quite the dilemma. and i dont want to be a social worker working with welfare blacks for a contractor with the city of oakland or the city of ferguson or something.

although its funny. today one of my “customers” was a black guy with an mba and I tried to make small talk with him. he was much better at it than me, but i am at least trying to be nice folks, i swear. but i cant talk about sports or anything. i cant tell this black guy that i am a trump supporting hwyte nationalist racist hahahaha. i nervously mentioned my interest in “news and current events”, which is FAIR…..BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE TAKE THAT BAIT and try to get you talking about TRVMP??????

well shit, this guy could actually BE a trump supporter, he seems to be a rather moderate, conservative, white acting, oreo black. almost like he is now overcompensating to not talk like a black, he is very well spoken, great speaking voice. he even made jokes about the HR diversity sensitivity training we had to do about trannies and shit hahahahahaha. i laughed and said yeah I hear ya man. well we didnt talk specifically about trannies. or have a frank conversation on race hahahahahaha.

see i dont hate blacks hahahaha. i just had an awkward conversation with a grad school educated black man hahahaha.

also all these people have experience giving lectures and discussions in front of groups of people. they have done that hundreds of times. there is no possible argument that this is not a GREAT life skill.

i would be dropping the spaghetti all over the place. oh now im the TEACHER and my STUDENTS are gonna think im an IDIOT. i never wanted to be a teacher but now i want to be a teacher even LESS, hahahahaha.

shit i can barely be a STUDENT. I can barely be a 13k a year EMPLOYEE. I cant even be a bare minimum ADULT. hahahahaha. I fooked up on easy mode, cant even deal with NORMIE MODE, hahahahaha.

funny all this goddamn self doubt even though now i am damn WORKING and that is an INFINITE improvement over where i was 2 months ago. why not just be happy about that.

went all in with AA, guy beat me with full house. sheeeeeeit.

heh. wonder what that woman is doing with her life right now. i know she got a job similar to what we were doing. probably making similar or more money, maybe higher up, def lots of hours, def lot more money than me, def making literally TWICE the money I am making. well shell have plenty of money to spend on her black bastard then hahahahahahahahahahahaha wawawawawawawawawawawa im so sad and lonely and want her back and will never get over her, muh perfect waifu hhahahahaha.

yeah i am playing things up a bit. but for a long time thats how bad it was. bad shit. wouldnt wish on worst enemy.

i guess its worse when i am working alongside 20 year old kids and they are all going to college, yup working on muh engin degree or nursing degree or HR degree, and then they graduate and get a 28k a year job, while you remain at the kid student job. at least here i dont have any young kids beside me being a constant reminder of what an old failure i am hahahahahahaha.



nov 1

sheeeeeeeeeeit rejected for the part time city job, 15 an hour, was hopign for this as a kind of baby steps, training wheels, safety net. they had THREE positions open so i thought i had a chance. sent thank you emails to the three people on interview panel. (representing the three departments/positions.) got rejection email today. spent 14 minutes on application, 90 minutes in first test, 30 minutes on second test, 40 minutes on interview, and rejected. damn.

well, they either have promised the jobs to family members, and or they are looking for an older married woman who is looking for part time job AND NOT full time job. because i made a statement like, “a full time position is my #1 priority.” basically saying to them its not my first choice that this job is part time. and you want a candidate who makes you a #1 Priority not an option!

i dunno, i’ll never know.

but yeah thats disappointing. believe me a part time baby steps job would be a BIG DEAL and possible LIFE CHANGER, just for showing that I can HANDLE some kind of Employment without completely losing my mind and running away panicquitting!

its kinda hard convincing someone “its company policy, you cant do that” if the company policy isnt WRITTEN DOWN anywhere, AND there is no good faith attempt at an explanation. you figure there is always some wizard in the back room with 2 years of experience (hehehehe) who knows the Secret Way Around Things. but you have just as much access to this Guru Ninja, as Joe Flabeetz off the Streetz!!!!!!

i was thinking of a stupid case just today, and i should make a GOod Story out of it while its fresh in my mind.

caller is moving to another company location 1 mile away. caller wants to move his client list from location 1 to location 2. he figures thats reasonable. calls, gets me, asks me to do that for him / get that process started. i say ok let me put you on hold for a few minutes while i figure this out. cant find any good articles. ask the people around me because i dont want to get Dinged for going into the Official Advice Chat, because that shows you arent trying hard enough to figure it out on your own, and just want your Hand Held. people around me say you cant do that, cant be done, and continue focusing on their own cases. Really, I say? why not? what should I tell this guy? just tell him it can’t be done. company policy. yeah but why? and couldn’t there possibly be a way to just copy the files manually to a flash drive, then load them into the other office? i mean these are all just FILES, right? why can’t you move a file from one computer to another? I mean yeah I know all the files look like WKDNSUH193734940.ngr and are in 1488 different locations, but…..isnt that what we have tier 2 and 3 for? this has got to be an escalated case right? people around me sigh and say, well, youre getting way too deep, plus theyre gonna say no anyway, that would take way too much time, but if you want to ask for escalation, go ahead, theyre just gonna say no, nothing we can do. and im like WRONG, there IS stuff we can do, but just be straight with me and my caller that it would take to much time and money, I can understand that, he can understand that.

i guess the reason you cant move a client list is so that people can’t “steal” their client information when they leave the company, and use that to start their own business or something.

yeah but this guys not leaving the company! he’s just moving to a different office! a fairly common thing!!!!

so i still dont understand. but for the purposes of my Story that i’m gonna tell the interviewer, i have to make it look like i made sense out of all this.

i think i just said, yeah i checked, this cant be done, i guess its security policy so people can’t easily leave the company with their client lists, sorry, i tried. and he was like ok fine i guess. thats our company for you, always getting in the way with stupid policies.

maybe im asking too much with a minimum of 12 dollars an hour. maybe i should drop it down to 10 dollars an hour. i see more 10 dollar an hour job openings than 12 dollars an hour.

maybe in another year of joblessness hahahahahaha.

anyway a good answer for that guy would be, welp, it would be FASTER and CHEAPER for you to sit there in the first office, print out 2000 pages of paper for all the clients files, and then bring the boxes of printouts to the new office, and manually reenter them into that computer, than it would be to transfer the files from one office to another.

but youre kidding me. i mean i get the security thing if the employee is permanently leaving. but employees transfer offices ALL THE TIME. YOURE TELLING ME that for the 100 employees that are transferred to a different office EVERY DAY, theres NO WAY for them to have access to their old files from the new office? that doesnt even make sense how that would be a policy!

i understand completely. if you’d like to dispute the policy, the best person to speak to is the office manager.


I mean, speak to YOUR manager, the district manager.


And I’m saying to call him and say that we can’t fix this. I’m not sure he can fix this, but he sure has a better chance at having more power than me.

well why cant you just trasnfer me to YOUR manager? certainly they have more power than you?

yeah they have too many cases and they dont think this case is worthwhile. sorry.

I want to hear this from them.

OK I’ll request a callback, but can’t give you a time other than to say it will be within the next 72 hours. And I can’t give you the person’s name. it could be any of 20 people.

you have 20 managers?

no, see, the managers don’t know anything. they only know how to MANAGE, and they dont do that very well. I’m having a level 2 person call you. they’re like level 1 people who have been around for 3 years and actually know stuff and can explain stuff. sorta.

i cant make this up folks. i worried that my fam would think i was weird or homosexual because i never talked to gurls, never had a GF, never had female friends, come on fam im 23, 25 years old, dont you think this is WEIRD? dont you worry im a weird pedophile? then i got to 30 with no GF, no female friends, and it was a lot easier hahahaha. it was like yep thats just the way he is. terrible with the ladies. but they never SAID i was weird or that they were disappointed. i thought it was weird that they didnt THINK it was weird, cuz i sure thought it was weird!

shit. might as well listen to that new deathspell omega album. not even excited. not sure i could get excited about a metal album ever again. new darkthrone album was kinda disappointing. what if boortzum made a new metal album? it would prob be disappointing like his last metal album. ok then what about muh boy mikko makes a new album? well see i didnt even really get into his new vapaudenristi album. i would prob get excited about a new stabat mater album hahahahahaha. we are abotu due for one of those.  uhhhh metal. big metal fan. yep.

mgla? yeah thats probably the most excited id get about a new metal album.

nonmetal album? i dunno. leonard cohen comes out with new albums and i dont even care, tom waits could prob come out with a new album and i wouldnt care, cuz i was underwhelmed by his last album like 5 years ago hahahaha. cmon tom.

tom waits net worth is 25 million hahahahaha.

heh. rej email for a 32k job. well, thats way more than 26k hahahaha. but ok well this is the county. i have been interviewed by the county for a….33k job and a 40k job. really would have liked that 40k job. but i get rejected for all the 26k, 28k jobs i apply for with the county. you gotta go to harvard or mit to get a 26k job with the county apparently hahahahaha.

OR JUST NOT HAVE A 15 MONTH GAP hahahahaha is much more like it!

if i ever got a gf i could see it being like this hahahahaha. but at least he cares about dumping her in a good way rather than just Ghosting and Blocking her hahahahaha.

yeah thats the hard thing when things END right in the middle of Your Honeymoon Period, is that it takes much longer to get over, becuase youre always thinking WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF. you never got bored with them, you never got in a rut, you never thought maybe the grass is greener, they were always your perfect angel, never though, welp im bored with this person, they dont CHALLENGE me to be a BETTER PERSON, hahahahaha hahahaha.  or whatever bullshit hahahaha.

well honestly when you are in true honeymoon period, you DO feel like you want to be a better person because of them, the cliche is true!

i guess…..well you know you get that feeling of please just escalate this case, i dont know what im doing, this is above my paygrade, i dont know how to explain this, i just want another person to look at this and at least give them a better reason…..but youre not getting approval to escalate, and you sound like an idiot. in hindsight, the best thing to do would be, plan on staying an extra hour just to work on their case, and be like, i’ll call you back at 630 pm. thats the best i can do. because noone else is willing or able to look at this. and i need like an hour to figure it out. but i dont have an hour because we have calls in queue and i’m already over 20 minutes with your call. so im gonna sacrifice my family time so i can do work for free, for you. so you better tell my manager i deserve a promotion. not some diversity person from outside of the company.

listened to the new DsO. sounded just like the old DsO hahahahahaha. jangly and angular and chaotic and noisy and confusing. it sounds like what my mind felt like trying to do my old job. jumbled and confused and making no sense. anyway nothing new in DsO’s bag of tricks. total emperor has no clothes. they cannot get away with this any longer hahahahaha. just an exercise in wankery. yeah i kinda like crazy blast beats behind semi-clean guitars, yeah i like mikko, yeah they have their own STYLE of weird nonsense music, so you could tell them apart from other “math rock” or “technical” groups………but I guess Im just not super into the technical stuff.

i mean honestly. WHAT ARE YOUR MUSICAL INFLUENCES. thats what i would ask him. probably a lot of jazz hahaha. ornette coleman hahaha.

it sounds just like all their other albums, a pile of noise hahahahahahahahaha. smoke and mirrors. if he was actually down to earth enough to give an interview, people would say, yeah you know youre not as good as you think you are, ya underachieving autist hahahahahaha.  go make some more money at your normiejob and go cuddle with your tradwife hahahaha.

enjoy your beautiful part of france where there are beautiful mountains and forests and small towns and white people and no browns like in godforsaken paris. or calais hahahaha.

fooking k1ke bastards. cant even hire me for a part time job. was it because they can TELL im not a NORMIE? just like WOMEN can tell hahahah.

no thats not true, even THAT WOMAN didnt realize how much of a nonnormie i was! and she didnt Block me because she realized exactly HOW fooked up i was, she just blocked me because she was a coward. for all she knows, im a total normie who dates wimmin hahaha.  i mean this reflects worse on her than it does on me.


namely, any DIFFICULT/TUFF situation hahahahaha.


heh i should put SAS in the sidebar o links, decent forum. bunch sad sacks with no friends, no gf, some have jobs, some dont.

how did they GET these jobs?

yeah its muh GAP which is hurting me more than my lack of Interviewing Charisma. I actually have prob around average interview skills. better than that woman hahahahahahahahahaha who i still think about and compare myself to even though she has been out of my life forever for 16 months and is never coming back.

yeah the whole reason i LUV MJ now is because i used WAY TOO MUCH of it in my youth, age 25 and earlier. big mistake. never should have. but ive screwed the pooch now. because i ruined myself when i was young, i will pretty much always be addicted to w33d hahahaha. in that i am ALWAYS thinking about it, EVERY DAY, even when I only have it once every 200 days, im thinking about it all the other 199 days.  yes it sucks but DEAL WITH IT.

and the best way to do that, is just get a job any job ASAP,  find a MJ Hookup ASAP, and make a Big Buy ASAP. like $100 at least. buy a BIG bag of MJ.

get on disability because i have too much anxiety to work a job like a normie, then spend money on MJ hahaha.

those fookin phaggots rejecting me for the part time job when there were THREE openings. god damn. 3 openings and less than 30 people in the running. how the HELL was i not in the top 20%? where DID I rank? HOW close was I to getting the job? and what if i WASNT EVEN CLOSE?

again they probably wanted somebody who was perfectly happy with part time job, rather than someone who admitted yeah my goal is to get a full time job. probably hired a retired 65 year old person who just wanted something to DO to keep from getting BORED with retirement hahahahaha. fookin baby boomers.

rather than 50 year old people who are FORCED into early retirement and have to eat dogfood and live in section 8 housing with negros hahahahaha. elderly white people living in the black ghetto, eating dogfood. which is also black slang for heron.

ANYWAY. so i will crap on deathspell omega because……they are FRUSTRATING. basically they intentionally gave up catchy riffs in favor of super uncatchy “riffs” and its like they did this on purpose, they are purposely frustrating, and i liked that when i was 16 but now that i am over twice that age, im like, i want to listen to music to ENJOY it, not to work hard and struggle to overcome challenges and confusion. i have a hard enough time doing that in my daily life. just give me good songs. and i know they are capable of that! my favorite DSO songs are their slower more melodic ones!!!! “carnal malefactor” eg. beautiful song. write more songs like that. or the first song on “drought” was slow and melodic and establishes a very nice dark ominous atmosphere, before they tear it all down with their nonsense riffs…..and the nonsense riffs on “paracletus” actually seemed to work most of the time.

im getting too old for this shit hahahahahaha.

yeah but they are even older than ME! they are close to 40!

probably MJ would make it more enjoyable. i wonder if “hasjarl” does MJ. PROBABLY. knowing that would take a lot of the MYSTIQUE out. like this article on insvisible oranges implies: it seems RIDICULOUS to think of a member of DSO doing mundane things like going to walmart or tuning the guitar or having a goofy moment in the studio. to that i would add just about anything: hanging out with their waifu, taking a dump, going to work, trying to explain shit to angry customers, visiting their family. but they do all these things just like normal people, and yeah maybe i CAN imagine these things all too well, and so i think, no need to TRY so hard buddy. I KNOW youre just a damn normie! i bet he just gets super stoned and is like oh heres another wanky riff in 88/14 time that normie squares who haven’t taken jazz band 101 wont understand hehehehe. hue hue hue hue. yeah well youre a normie too buddy.

mikko aspa might not be a normie tho hahahaha.

this guy has actually gotten to the point of casual secs and can conclusively say that he is not impressed and he wants moar, but he just cant get to the second date. i mean if they FOOK on the first date, its a safe assumption theyre SOMEWHAT interested in you.  but noooooo they cant even fook you a second time!

i mean when a gurl FOOKS, how do you know whether she wants it ONLY ONCE, or more than once?

these stupid, stupid bitches. hahahaha. you think if he turned down the secs on the first date, then the women are gonna change their mind and want to go out with him for a second date?


but nobody understands this anymore. there is not enough SLUT SHAMING!!!!!

treat people like actual people, human beings with feelings and hearts! thats how i treat women in real life! i talk a LOT of shit about women in general on teh internet, but in real life, with real women, I DO NO HARM!!!!!!!!!!

nov 2

yeah i was/am kinda pissed about getting rejected for the pt 15 an hour job with THREE openings. couldnt even get ONE of em. couldnt even get the WORST one.

interview tomorrow for goddamn ELEVEN dollar PT job, which is normally too low to consider for me, but i like the company, its close, i worked there before, i would luv to get FT job there, and ive had THREE interviews with them for pt 11 dollar jobs, all rejected, and the 4th tomorrow. (4 separate jobs.)

would LOVE to get call this week from the 2 other companies i int at last week. would def be disappointed af to get rej emails from them. not really PISSED, but definitely disappointed and weakened confidence. it cant get much lower folks hahahaha.

trump does not view women as full human beings, says hitlery hahahahaha. i thought, well, neither do I, but I would never want to personally do them harm. AND I view them as about 80% human beings, thats pretty good right?

still doesnt mean i would TREAT them as 80% humans, i wouldnt treat them like they have treated me hahahaha. they have treated ME like less than 80% human!!!!!!!!

anyway who cares. my new thing with interviews is, just memorize 10 stories in great detail.

let the STORIES be your guide.

i didnt know what i was doing, i couldnt explain the bad news to the caller because i didnt understand, i didnt udnetstand enough to ask the right questions to muh superiors, i got flustered. so i went home and studied the stuff until i did understand it. then the next day i called the caller again and gave them a better explanation.

even though most times just studying will nto give you the EXPLANATION you want. you still have to deduce the explanation for yourself out of the most unclear material. or speculate a reason or rationale or explanation why you Cant Do This, because nothing is given in a written company policy.

its usually safe to assume Money Is The Reason. saving money. and then you have to come up with a tactful way to explain that to the customer, we cant help you because it costs too much money.

i was watching this retarded show “taboo” which is semi entertaining, and then they did a show about “the limits of female beauty” or something and had a bit on The Most Anorexic Woman in the World, a french woman who LITERALLY looked like A Skeleton. I mean her actual FACE as well as her body was Emaciated AF and she looked like the Sloth Guy in the move Seven. looking at that face as haunting and horrifying. i said NOPE NOT GONNA WATCH THIS and i felt dirty being complicit in this very jooish exploitation.

id actually seen the episode before a few years ago. i recall they said this woman DIED shortly after the episode was completed. she was like 30 years old and LITERALLY at deaths door as they were filming, she was that bad, and she LOOKED that bad. it was HORRIFYING.

i know i was disturbed when i watched in the first time and when they showed her this time, i was super disturbed and just turned the show off. how jooish can you get.


sheeeeeit thats that type of stuff i worry about, now this poor sap is living it! guarantee this will be [removed] quickly hahahaha like most of the sweet reddits i post.

what if that woman did something like that? it wouldnt matter because she has been Ripped Out of my life for the past 16 months. 480 days hahahaha. who cares. doesnt matter. its all over. get over it.

so yeah my work stories suck because basically it was me getting flustered and saying uhh yeah i guess we cant do this, sorry, just deal with it, anything else i can help you with? so again, i have to SPIN those stories to show that I did Follow Up research to understand shit, and did callbacks to Clarify shit, in a world where NOTHING WAS CLEAR. half the time documentation didnt even EXIST. and the documentation that DID exist was WRONG, out of date, and or confusing/UNCLEAR AF.

and the people you can ask for help are often as unhelpful and unclear as the unclear shit you are asking for clarification on, so you learn to try to Figure It Out yourself.

anyway. ive sort of met the guy i will be talking to tomorrow. he used to walk through my department and i would give him a friendly greeting whenever i saw him. he seemed nice enough that he is actually the type who says hello to people, and i am the same way. yes thats right. im not this huge hateful asshole in real life. i am a scared coward who is so DESPERATE for peoples APPROVAL that i am super NICE to people all the time, like a total NICE GUY, the worst KIND of creep!!!!! hahahahahaha.

ok everybody wants approval. why cant we just call this golden rule. treat everyone the way you want to be treated. that is an even more valid explanation of me being nice to everybody. besides i dont stalk women like a nice guy. i send them a couple emails and let them throw me away with onyl minimal complaining.

i TALK like a huge abuser, but i have never ever ever abused a woman. but of course i worry that i would, because i TALK like an abuser when there are no women around. so its hard to tell. what is real and what is the mask?

i like to think im not REALLY an abuser. i have just been so disappointed by women that its very hard for me not to speak negatively of them. but alot of my stuff is legit criticism.


drop quotes by neil “magic black science man” tyson. maybe steven hawking. done.


stupid kyke hahahahaha why did i even trigger myself hahaha


yeah dont even tell the interviewer you are slightly introverted even as a way just to describe your personality is not super duper extraverted……..BECAUSE INTROVERTED IS A BAD WORD AND A BAD THING. Just say you are perfectly normal, a friendly polite person, and not necessarily the life of the party. Im just here to do a good job, not socialize. never let the word INTROVERT exit your lips. ANATHEMA.

i mean i havent done that recently, but i know i did at some point, maybe to explain why i prefer a Back Office Position over a Front Office Position.

they always say, ask her out on a DATE, BUT, problem is, youve been HANGING OUT a bit doing things that COULD be construed as datelike, where they only thing that changes is the word…..hey wanna go to dinner again…..but this time its a DATE???!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

yeah ok fine. if this is what you have to do, i’ll accept that. i would just rather say “i am starting to get changing feelings for you and might want to DATE you” would be just as good.

anyway. MW is now in the US. and uploading vidyas regularly. hope he keeps doing that. if the “dangerous haggis tour” stops near me i would like to see him. this is exciting. i am excited for him. he is pretty excited. hopefully he hangs out with plenty of hardcore WN’s hahahaha. his first stop was staying with antidem in san f4gcisco. all i know about antidem is that he is a joo and was banned from TRS for that. hes probably one of the good ones, but…….not a great start. just go stay with greg johnson hahaha. well i know “grindr greggie” also stays near NYC as well. anyway i am SURE they will meet up. and i hope MW records as much of his visit as possible. record everything. documentary. its just fun. i am happy for him. he is a great guy. hope he doesnt bang that woman hahaha. because that woman might have gotten into alt right stuff since i stopped talking to her. hahahahaha. yeah right.

but young women will do weird celebrity worship shit tho. for example, say youre obsessed with the band sublime, so you Chat with the dead singers mother or something. what if That Woman got all into alt right, then skyped with MW for months, and said, if you ever come to the US you can stay with me…….and fook me every way imaginable! no man could turn that down!

when a purty 7/10 25 year old gurl is giving you attention, smiling at you, interested in you, wants to see you…….that is a BIG boost to the confidence!

you might think, well she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer…..but she doesnt NEED to be! she just needs to be nice and friendly and interested!

so yeah. she could def fook MW if she wanted. she could fook ANY man she wanted. ANY woman can fook ANY man they want ehehehehe. well…..she prob couldnt fook the donald. but an E-list internet “celebrity”? absolutely.

ok ok thats enough on that person.

but we just had a REAL relship! FACT! and it was important to me! FACT! and my feelings are valid! FACT! i am entitled to be upset when i lose a Real Rel that was very important to me! FACT!

trust the process hahaha.

basically, any way you look at it, it was a REAL RELATIONSHIP, and I can’t say that about many women. maybe 2 other women, both just friends, but decent real friends. the women i pseudodated, those were just brief pseudorels, CASUAL rels, i didn’t really know them, these were NOT REAL RELS, so ultimately its prob easier to get over something THAT NEVER REALLY EXISTED.

this shit really existed though. objectively. there is ironclad EVIDENCE that would hold up in court.

so yeah. you can ghost on a casual “rel”, but when you ghost on a REAL rel…….IT HURTS.

the end.

heard about retired guy, had great 30+ year career with DoD, prob insane pension, good man, he’s done well, good white family, good white man. gets PT job in retirement to just get out of the house. scheduled like 4 hours a day. shift starts at 830 am, but he’s gotta start working at 745 am to finish the shit he has to finish by 11:30 am or whatever. i HATE this shit. doing 45 minutes of unpaid work, on a THREE HOUR shift. so you are giving them 33% PERCENT MORE, for FREE. that is like working OVER TWO HOURS FOR FREE on a regular 8-hour day.

30 minutes extra, ok fine. an hour, that’s pushing it. and i am talking about a full 8 hour day.

i HATE when you have to work off the clock just to finish the shit you HAVE to finish by the end of your shift. thats so fooking GAY and JOOISH and I BET that that shit happens a LOT more now than it did 20 years ago.

and like i said before, you cant even brag that you are GREAT about doing this, as a way to demonstrate your value, because you shouldnt even be doing this. no. just say you do the work in 8 hours what average people do in 10. and then actually stay 10 hours to do 10 hours of work. but clock out after 8. fooking skypes. hehehehe.


had weird dream last night where i was with Woman2005B aka woman4. She was a weird pale white awkward nerdy virgin, very innocent. but also kinda bitchy and unpleasant. i felt woman2015 That Woman was innocent and sweet like her, but an improvement because That Woman was MUCH nicer to me. haha.

anyway in the dream she was smuggling heroin or something like that, and then i was smuggling HER with the heroin. and i was worried about getting her K’d, because people were looking for her and her drugs. I stood to profit from the whole deal too. i had fee fees for her and she was being bitchy and difficult. on the whole the dream was pretty scary with threats of death and violence. pretty sure i got separated from her. i think there was the idea she had gotten captured and was being raept and tortured. and i felt classic survivors guilt, like i sold her out so i could survive.

anyway not a pleasant dream at all. i had to force myself to wake up, and i was glad i did, because it was getting pretty bad. then i turned over on my other side and stayed awake for a few mins, then went back to sleep, no more dream.

andrew anglin is on the TRS forum now!!!!! oooo how exciting.

i guess my ideal career would be a Social Worker or a Counselor helping Neet men and virgin men, with neetism, despair, anxiety, rels, women, careers, becoming a normie.

but social workers dont DO That kind of work. they do work with people who are WAY more fooked up, like people who get abused, addicts, borderline, sociopaths, abusers, violent, drunks, poor blacks, felons, etc. people who are REALLY on the fringes of society, yet manage to reproduce, and ruin their children with their fooked up ness.

oh yeah. that woman in 2005, she was bitchy largely because I was a bitch and totally approached her the wrong way. namely by being a sloppy drunken fool who was clearly in luv at first sight with her. and i couldnt just be like hey wanna hang out like a normal person. i already hung out with mutual friends. if i had tried just talking to her directly one on one, i wouldnt have made such a damn fool of myself. when i am in a group, its harder for me to connect with the people individually……even if there is not as much pressure on me to “perform” and “be interesting.”

but yeah no one likes a drunk weirdo throwing themselves at you, im in luvvvvvvvvvvvvvv with youuuuuuu pleaseeeeeeeeee marry me.  just SO desperate.

and see i thought she was the perfect solution to woman2005A, who had dumped me shortly before, and i was heartbroken and hated her. but I found this GREAT woman shortly after! i guess that must be what a “rebound” is like………if i managed to date 2005B, which i didnt. so i was on the rebound, and got rejected by the rebound, hahahaha. downward spiral. shit i think the rebound girl would have been GREAT, she was better and qter than 2005A. if i had successfully “rebounded” with 2005B, that WOULD have probably fixed everything hahaha.


i should read this moar


fookin successful normies hahaha nonnevergfs


aaannnnndddd heres the woman shitting everything up again. womaning up the workplace with her drama about all these creepy niceguys at work being infatuated with her and making her uncomfortable. women in the workplace is such a giant horrible clusterfook. woman in a male dominated field. FOOK YOU. get out of the male field hahahaha. believe me, they dont like YOU either. could actually get some work done without bitches in the office starting drama hahahahaha.


good thoughts here…..but how about some stories, examples, scripts.

i am JEALOUS of her that she has better skills at ADULTING than I do. can handle all those angry customers, tell them no, this cant be fixed, no, you cant talk to the manager, i am the manager now, i make 17 dollars an hour. explaining shit, or being like, no i dont need to explain this, it doesnt matter. just being able to work an adult job and live a mature adult life. so did she handle ME like a mature adult, because i was legit being that bad?

its never gonna be fun for anyone, answering those calls. youre ALWAYS gonna be nervous and stressed. but you just Face The Fear and Do It Anyway. and i jealous she has that skill. that she succeeded exactly where I failed ABYSMALLY.

well i have yet another chance to Face The Fear when going in for my interview tomorrow. another baby step. the 27th baby step.

but the thing is, heres the thing.wav, is that you have to be PERFECT in these things. whether its getting a JOB, or getting a WOMAN. ONE strike and youre GONE. there is PROBABLY more leeway once you actually GET the job (but not with the woman, with the woman, its always walking on eggshells, minefield, until you make that first, last, only mistake.)

like my job was HARD AS FOOK, but there was some leeway in there. ways to cut corners. I found out how to cut corners, how to evade calls, how to tack on a few minutes here and there, taking long lunches, long breaks, figuring out what i could get away with, how to play the game.

but yeah GETTING into the job is so hard!

well, getting into THAT job was SO easy.

but yeah it IS discouraging to get rejected again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. and i AM pissed that they couldnt hire me for at least one out of THREE part time jobs at the city. that really irks me. one job i can understand. THREE is just insult to injury. REALLY? I wasnt one of the top THREE?

but yeah its gotten me worried about the OTHER two jobs from last week. I would be ECSTATIC, LIFE CHANGER to get any of those two.

and yeah it sucks that WOMEN can handle “adulting” as the women on reddit call it (really gotta stop reading that shit), but it sucks even more than SHE can handle it. i mean yeah she is pretty much my nemesis hahahaha. it just KILLS me how she can totally succeed where I have failed and throw me away like nothing.

ADD INSULT TO INSULT TO INJURY. that’s like TWO insults on top of injury. BROOTAL. SAVAGE.wav.


mar 28

yeah its stupid when you wonder how someone is doing and what they are up to, but then you feel stupid because they dont care about you, they couldnt care less how YOURE doing. yet not too long ago you used to be a big part of each others lives. i thought she cared about me more hahahaha that she would have a LITTLE courage and a LITTLE kindness to not really show to Me per se; dont do it for ME, do it for the Memory and Dignity of Our Shared Relationship. That was important and REAL, wasn’t it ?!?!?!?!?!

how to train yourself when your company does not have written or online materials to train you with, and no one is willing to train you:

well bribe them with lunch and drinks. get in early and stay late and just watch them do THEIR work and they will probably answer a few questions about it. neither you nor them will know if its relevant to YOUR job, cuz thats YOUR job, remember?

ask to get put on email “distribution lists” or “DL’s”. this does not mean Down Low or Down Load, it means Distribution List, which is a phaggy business way of saying email list.

ask if anyone else has notebooks or flashcards of stuff they wrote down when they first started. ask if you can make copies of the stuff. make copies of tons of stuff. offer to do it at kinkos and pay for it yourself so you dont make 100s of copies on the companys dime, when its just for Personal Training use. How’s that going to make THEM any MONEY???

how to stay tough when people are putting the pressure on?

Disguise bullshit and speculation as authoritative fact hahaha.

You will shake your head at how people can think you would even KNOW about whatever crazy shit they’re asking you. bullshit an answer anyway. be able to tell immediately what types of things can “come back to haunt you”, and which stuff you can make up the most ridiculous bullshit stories about.

you can find  yourself “Stalking” in the most roundabout ways. like if you are a google maps nut like me. if you are just google mapping around their house, wishing you could have been invited to their house more. especially if you never really go to that part of town.

trying to find out the owner of a nearby restaurant because you thought they said a family member owned the restaurant. did they really? were they just a 10% partner? maybe they were “just” a manager. how do you find out who owns a business? look at the state licensing website. it only gives one name. not anyone in her family. they all use the same last names because most of the family is a matriachy where everyones father is a deadbeat and not worth the children taking the fathers names. that cant be good. a family history of having babies with deadbeats. indulging the worst aspects of Unrestricted, Unguided, Female Nature Unbound. but they must have had some morality left to not get Abortions! well I dont really know though. maybe there were a few. I’ll never know!

ok. did I do a BAD job at my job? NO! i did a PRETTY GOOD job at my job! the managers thought i was one of the good guys! I had Good Attendance and Good Performance! I just felt like I was incompetent and dumb because there was so much I didn’t know or understand. BUT THAT WAS NORMAL! It was really hard to get used to that kind of confusion and ignorance being NORMAL. IT’S OK! NOBODY knows what they’re doing!

I would feel a lot better if there were more training and everybody was on the same page and DID know what they were doing! rather than accepting ignorance and confusion as being OK and Normal and Status Quo.

and she soldiers on at that same shitty place. and one day she will know more and be smarter than i was. she may even be at that point now. and have a perfect bullshit explanation for EVERYTHING, the way the “best” level 2 people do. shit she might even get promoted to level 2, in a place where NO ONE gets promoted from level 1 to level 2. there are at least 3 or 4 men who have been there longer and who are much much much smarter that deserve it much much much more. they were much smarter than ME and helped ME learn.

i hate how the JOB turned us against each other. made me compete and compare myself with her. am i smarter and better than her? why wont she help me? how come her job is easier? how come SHE doesnt get flustered? does SHE study at home? or does she just go home and smoke MJ and watch brain dead TV.

Its hard to think outside the box when you don’t know what’s IN the box and what the box looks like. You might think you’re thinking outside of the box, but you’re still in the box. Again an issue of unknown unknowns. You don’t know what’s INSIDE the box, let alone outside the box. To solve this issue, my first order of business is the LEARN THE BOX as quickly as possible, so I can start thinking outside of it as quickly as possible.

bullshit paragraph i just added to my interview document hahaha.

This time last year I was going crazy trying to survive to a somewhat close layoff, also was going crazy due to no resolution with HER. asking her to hang out every 2 weeks and her always saying see you on MONDAY before I asked her whatcha doing this weekend. nope. im going bye see you at work again on MONDAY. little things like that would bother me. I shoulda said fook monday, lets hang out this weekend. I havent hung out with you in MONTHS. and i SORTA did, but in a pussy way. like i would say whatcha doing this weekend, oh idunno hanging out with family, well wanna go to dinner on saturday, i’ll buy. oh i dunno i might be with family. i will let you know tomorrow. then nothing.

nothing new here, i mean this is EXACTLY how women avoid you when they are not interested in hanging out, then after a while youre supposed to get the hint. i didnt though. because we used to be friends where it wasnt such a goddamn pullingteeth struggle to hang out. so i thought we were stil friends like that.

ok applied for a ridic job on indeed, hr assistant for a vision/eyeglasses provider hahahaha

uploaded official indeed resume, same as the regular resume.

bullshit a brief cover letter off the top of muh head:

Dear Company HR Team:

I am the ideal candidate for the HR Assistant position. I demonstrate exemplary relationship-building and problem-solving skills, and am a very motivated team player. I am committed to supporting the workforce of this respected organization, and to finding creative ways to reduce operating costs to an absolute minimum. I look forward to an opportunity to discuss this position with you.


The Living Embodiment of The 14 Words, a True Counter-Semitic White Supremacist Nationalist, White Power World Wide

customer service. nope. customer facing. nope. dealing with saudis trying to get their money. nope. business owned by arabs and you are on the phone with arab contractors in yemen and libya and jordan and UAE and managing their quasi-illegal somali workforce falling from 9000 story buildings in dubai. nope. office is cleaned only once a week and employees are bit by bedbugs which infest the workplace. nope. company is unable to pay employees for months at a time. nope.

i understand FEDGOV/ZOG is not business-friendly. They tax businesses so much that business cannot afford to maintain BEDBUG FREE WORKPLACES. But…..BBBBBut……there’s nothing left to say after that.

may or may not have applied to a data entry medical related job. can’t tell if i did hahahaha. honestly i can’t. you might not like it, but it is what it is. the system is not set up to give confirmations.

oh hay i did get an email pretty much confirming it haha.

ANNNND applied to an account clerk for the county. wow. 3 apps in 1 day. literally a new record.

heh as late as march 14 2015 i found a chat log that said

me: want to enjoy a relaxer tonight? [my cutesy code word for degenerate MJ]

her: well im going to [fam] after work but maybe next weekend?

this is amidst friendly chatting.

anyway i was so desperate to talk to her and Maintain Our Friendship and the only way I could do that was though Chatting at work; and texting; and FB messages. whenever i saw her in person it would be tense and awkward. she would always avoid me bla bla bla

anyway there were no red flags that shit was gonna blow up the way that it did.

i found some old chatlogs were i was talking to her. i smuggled them out of the job before i left. yeah i was being a pussy and i needed to come out and say, LETS HANG OUT SATURDAY. YES OR NO. NO MAYBE. THIS ENDS NOW.

but the chats contain the essence of our friendship and are really about the only thing i have left as a reminded of the good times We Shared.

it was weird she was willing to chat with me but not hang out.

of course i gave more to the chats than she did. i was always writing the longer more thoughtful chats. she had the brief girly chats. i should have rolled it way back. but i was desperate. and this was the best way i could talk to her.

yep. OVER one year ago. well at least today i was moderately productive, 3 job apps wowzers.


not just me, but the relationship. something that you and me BUILT TOGETHER. you just want to throw that away. i thought you cared about me!

and i think you did! you were just too cowardly and afraid to do the right thing here, and i can’t amke you!!!!

couldnt you just TALK to me? write me an EMAIL?????

how will i ever find someone i get along with THAT well, who is that attractive and no kids and n < 3 hahahaha

n being number hahaha

yep 7.47 months since i have sent her the last email. 224 days.

no kids, low number, white, under 30, attractive, nice, i just pushed her too far, i pushed her away, i pushed muh soulmate away wawaawawawawawaw the woman GOD intended me to be with for life wawawawawawawaw

if i were good at MANIPULATING people I could have manipulated her to want to be with me. and once we had fooked a few times and been together longer than 3 months, i wouldn’t need to “manipulate” her so much.

i could manipulate companies into wanting to hire me. take a chance on this low energy loser hahaha

COME ON. we had something SPECIAL. you cant DENY that. You can DUMP me, but dont DENY the Specialness of our Rel. I dont know why this bothers me so much but it does.  well because i never had that special of a female friend in years…..or ever really. this was all so new and adventurous. an old dog learning new tricks, feeling new feelings, and it felt like it was me getting closer to an actual Life Partner hahahaha

for a while i was scared to get too close to her. i eventually overcame that fear. but i think she was scared to get too close to me too. anyway i pretty much told her straght up “i want to get closer to you, we have been friends for a while, but I want to get even closer and hang out more in 2015”. so she got scared. ok i can udnerstand that. thats her right.

appreciate the fact that me losing you is gonna hurt me.

and I wish that you losing me, would hurt you a little bit too.

I thought I was WORTH SOMETHING to you.

You were worth a LOT to me.

Having you in my life made my life BETTER. My life is WORSE when you are not in it.

It would have been easier if you DIED. but there is bitterness because I know you CHOSE to get out of my life. damn.

be willing to acknowledge that YOU MATTERED TO ME.

And I think she didnt want to recognize how much she mattered to me. how strongly i felt for her. that would scare anyone away bla bla bla.

heh. i wish i never got the feelings. whenever i do, its TOO DAMN STRONG. this is definitely some kind of insecure attachment style. that alone is not a disorder but it is a symptom of probably many disorders. does not help diagnose. anything from garden variety despair and anxiety, to borderline and antisocial, socipath, psychopath etc.

i dunno. it was kinda stupid of me to get SUCH strong feelings for her. but i guess it wasnt nearly as dumb as getting strong feelings for other women i didnt know NEARLY as well.

well i thought that since we KNEW each other well, we would be able to talk about this problem together.

also i didnt realize how strong muh fee fees were either. i was confused too.

it just SUCKS to lose someone like this. i never had somebody refuse to talk to me ever. so i would usually continue talking to the gurl to try to get them to change their minds hahaha.

shit. if i can get a damn shitty job, i will justify to myself to begin taking MJ again. i dont care if its degenerate. it helps you sleep when you are nervous. great way to relax after a horrible long day of work and no solace in sight. no hope, no cuddles hahaha, but you can FIRE IT UP and thats pretty fun. it really DOES simulate a relship with a woman. and not in the stupid sexual way women push you through The Relationship Simulator.


oh lord I would have loved to take MJ with her and cuddle with her.

anyway. must move on.

but my life was better with her than it is without her!

that may be, but i must move on. so what life is worse without her. in a few years i will be over her. and just liking nobody and being lonely hahaha.

i guess it might help if I had real good friends. but I was building a different kind of Intimacy and Closeness with her, than I did with my Male Friends.  I dont really WANT to be close in that way with them. two men getting really close talking about their feelings? sounds really GAYYYYYYYYYY.

However sometimes you get a male friend that you just have a MANCRUSH on and you get excited about hanging out with them, they are so fun and cool. hehehe. i don’t have that going on either.

heh. i thought about contacting her old x boifran, no not the cheater, but the long term one, who had Run His Course with her. he was cold and distant but he wasn’t a Bad Cheating Guy, and I got along with him allright. Certainly I could email HIM and ask him to talk to her and see if she can listen to reason, I thought they still talked to each other; and I think he kind of liked me, so I am sure he asked about me at least once. Oh how’s the white supremacist doing. Oh he creeped me out and stalked me so I dumped him. hahahaha.  just totally lie to him about how shit went down. god i hope she didnt lie. she was a huge avoider but NOT A LIAR. I dont want to be wrong about that.

i can live with her being an avoider. but its harder to live with me being wrong about her not being a liar.

i just wish i knew what people said and what she said about me. i hope she didnt LIE about me to people that might have asked about me. But did they ever ask about me? I’ll never know.

welp is it worth it to contact THOSE OTHER PEOPLE and say hey what did you say to her about this, what did she say about this, and also here’s the truth, because I don’t want anybody lying about me, and I don’t want anybody thinking im a creepy psycho stalker. i never had a problem with YOU and you dont deserve to be lied to about me. tell me what she said hahaha.

i hate the idea that she might have lied about me, and i hate it if people who once liked me now think badly of me because of lies they were told about me.

and its better for me to contact them than to contact her.


i dont know if its worth it.

mar 29

NO exaholics, the “ex” never said “youre too good for me”, if anything her actions and silence were saying “im too good for you, youre weird and unlovable” hahahaha. I would have MUCH preferred to hear “youre too good for me,” even if i knew it was just an excuse and a pretty lie.

had an erotic dream where I was approaching a bunch of attractive young women and basically grabbing them. not socially acceptible hahaha. but it reminded me of how long it has been since i even touched a woman, like 11 years hahaha. I mean I have gotten shitty girlhugs, I am not a hugless version. but shitty girlhugs dont count. where they stick their ass out because they don’t want to touch you too much. no. i am talking about full blown cuddling where their body is pressed up against yours for minutes at a time.

and its just disgusting They are so casual about that, do it with everybody, that this is no longer an intimate thing, same thing with Secs. they have become immune to Intimate Touching.

ok ok ok gotta stay productive today.

ok applied for 10 DAH picker inspector warehouse temp job hahaha not even 12 pm yet woo hoo.  go do this shit without training idiot. do your job. i dunno how to do muh job. figure it out, ni99er. you act like a autist who hasnt had secs in 11 years. i mean 12 hahahaha.

also the women i was approaching in the dream were way more attractive and younger than I could be reasonably expected to pull in real life hahahaha. kinda like That Woman was technically out of my league cuz she was good looking and young. I mean the thought of touching her could get me Haard.

though thats no way to live your life, its a good quality in a loving wife. does her attractive body get you hard and you want to touch and make fook with her, or does she look like a fat squat potato and you cringe and sneer and curl your lip at the idea of touching her or seeing that hideous hambeast seacow ill proportioned body?

is she attractive, or NOT?

ok got a haircut on level 1, this is really ideal for a balding man like me hahaha. looks more masculine and tough and serious and not so pussy and cuck. carl the cuck, punchable face, watching my gf’s baby while she goes on a date with her bf tyrone.

taking MJ is degen and horrible but I would do it again. it helps deal with the disappointment of Life hahaha. when the best you can hope for is a horrible job and a slutty ugly single mom for a mate. it provides some much needed fun, when you dont have anyone you Like that you can hang out with.

but it’s controversial, i can see why White Fascists frown upon it. I wouldnt EXPECT them to like it.

i dont think YOu KNow Who LIED to her friends about me, or people we mutually knew. She was not a liar. HOWEVER, she is likely to have either downplayed / brushed off / AVOIDED talking about me, which would be preferable actually, OR, her truthful honest view of the situation is so SKEWED AND WRONG, that her version of the truth would make me look bad, but it wouldnt technically be LYING, it would just be stupid and wrong and completely misunderstood. i would hope one of those people would say, well did you get HIS SIDE of the story? yeah he sent me long emails that i didnt read because he made me feel weird and uncomfortable, therefore he’s the bad guy.

google how to do a job without training


i already read this one months ago




yeah i read this one too. basically use google and train yourself off the clock hahaha.

i am angry that SHE adapted better to the job than I did. also people more willing to give her help and sympathy because she is a Pretty Gurl. I hate that the Job came between us so much. If I had never taken that job, things would have worked out better with HER. or if she wasnt at that job, maybe things would have worked out better with the job. but the job definitely contrributed to thinks working out as BADLY as they did.

Merfen 46 points 2 years ago
I remember this from my third week in my IT security consulting. “OK now log into the phones and help the customers with their firewall issues”. “but…. the customers know more than me…”.
permalinksavegive gold
[–]taclark 12 points 2 years ago
This is every day at work for me. In the last 5 years they’ve brought on multiple sites to our support group, and they use vastly different software. No training, no information source really, work is after-hours so any easily reachable help is unavailable… the users know more about what we’re supposed to fix for them than we do, but management keeps dumping more and more of it onto us and patting each other on the back for “doing more with less.”


CelticTalk 2 points 2 years ago*

We got trained basically what we legally have to do/not do, how to use the software (very basic) and what the companies products are. Basically only stuff that would help someone who has never heard of the company (big name, products very well known), has never phoned a company support line or has never dealt with a computer.

Very first call, billing issue, information on the account is incorrect, customer demanding a big refund and compensation, want a subject access request and wants to speak to a manager because previous agent hung up and another one mis-sold. Finally they want to submit a complaint and won’t stop shouting.

  1. These are just numbers, they are important but what are they, why have I never seen these numbers?
  2. There can be incorrect info on the account?
  3. Refunds can we do that?
  4. A subject what request?
  5. Manager, who is that, can they speak to them?
  6. What do you do when another agent has hung up on them?
  7. What do you do when someone has mis-sold.
  8. I can do that, I just type something in this box, what do I type?


heh. so what did that person do. sounded like my job but even worse hahaha. SO WHAT DID YOU DO. i hate it when you read confusing shit that gives you no indication on WHAT TO DO. so is this a heads up of a known issue? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? SHOULD I DO ANYTHING? WILL THIS BE FIXED by another department? when? what should we tell people who ask about this? are all questions you ask after receiving official company memos through email. during proper training or meetings you would get a chance to ask about this sort of this. but know they just blast out new emails of shit every day.

i just hate not knowing how to do my job and having to bother other people for help; and not knowing as much as the customers about the shit youre fixing; and never being able to tell if what you did was RIGHT or not. yeah, probably. if it breaks call us back. and then realizing even the smart people don’t KNOW, they just bullshit well. so how do you learn to bullshit well? at least help me with THAT!

most jobs WONT train you. you just have to figure it out. figuring out how to do a job without training or guidance is one of the most valuable skills you can have. i wish they taught it in school. or college hahahaha.

i am just mad as hell that SHE did better at the JOB than I did. Well technically I did better. BUt she handled the emotions better and Kept Calm better than I did. SO SHE THINKS SHES BETTER THAN ME??? because she copes with the job better and now makes more money than me? I used to make the same amount of money back before I Went Crazy! Because of HEr!!!!!!!!!

oh she’ll be sorry when she is 40 and I am 50 and she is making more money than me then……..oh.

and i am still trying to get an entry level 12 DAH job with health care hahaha.

still trying to find a young wife without kids who can have some kids for me hahaha.

and i hate that she is moving on and UP with her life, while I am not, I am moving DOWN. so in this way she becomes BETTER than me, I dont DESERVE a woman as good and successful and responsible and healthy as her.

she is a WINNER and I am a LOSER.

yet i am way smarter than her! even with my avearge 101 iq! she has like a 90 iq like a damn mongoloid!!!!! yet she is much much more successful than me!!!!

google how do you pretend like you know something

oh shit this “bindery trainee” job says that bipolar and derpression count as DISABILITY according to them, or to the govt, just like CANCER, AIDS, or MISSING LIMBS, or RETARDATION. wow. i said nope not disabled.




oh shit i applied for FOUR jobs today, and yesterday I thought I did good with Three.


what a fooking CVNT. a CVNT.

she was WEAKER than I was. well its NORMAL for women to be weak, men to be strong. its expecting too much to expect a woman to be as strong as a man.

so then why do they want to fook like alpha men.

cuz they dont know. theyve been brainwashed by j’s. and just like amerifats love fatburgers, people love physical pleasure. secs. hedonism. if it feels good, do it. if it gets you off, DO IT.


unesco heritage sites in poland hahahahaha

there are mountains in poland! carpathian mountains!

there are primeval forests in poland!

basically poland is best country. full of white people and traditional women. though i wonder if the women in belarus are even less degenerate hahaha.

but poles are my people more than belarussians, so its likely i would Connect with a pole woman best.

well thank god that woman you know who was not a pole. well that explains why we were not meant to be hahaha.

but sucks that the best woman i ever met turned out to be a huge cvnt ahahahaha.

heh. i want her to validate muh fee fees by sayng yes i know that you’re hurtng and yes i know that youre disappointed and im sorry i hurt you and its ok that you liked me but damn this has gotta suck for you!! (yes it really really does). aww im sorry for that. youll find someone who likes you back one day.

and NOT acting like i fooking k’d her family or something, or i am bjorks crazy stalker.

(latino guy with manboobz who k’d himself on video because he could never be with hs obsessive crush bjork) and i think he mailed her a bomb or anthrax or something too. or maybe just the video of him…..no wait that is physical impossible hahahaha.

i dont want a damn hooker, i dont want to pay women to hang out with me. i want women to like me for me and want to hang out with me because they think i am cool. in other words, exactly how she used to feel about me. she thought i was COOL and she WANTED to hang out with me and listen to me ramble about bullshit. and her attention made me feel good about myself. like yeah i am cool enough for women to want to hang out with me. cute young women, with low number, no children, who are nice to me etc. too bad shes got a bf hahahaha but oh well her face is kinda weird anyway and im not over that other woman.

remember those innocent, better days?

no i wasnt just USING her for ATTENTION. I’m just saying I LIKED the attention she gave me, and it was a confidence booster to have a young attractive woman think i was cool and wanting to hang out wiht me. no red blooded man would disagree. i wasnt USING her. I cared for her too. I wanted her best interests and i wanted her to be happy and I cared about her feelings and I gave her nice gifts and bought her meals and wrote her nice cards and told her how i appreciated her. But when I stepped that up to the next level, she was no longer comfortable wiht it. oh well she could have not overreacted. she totally overreacted.

just appreciate that i had feelings for you and that it hurts me to lose you.

appreciate that even if i DIDNT have feelings for you, we used to be good friends, and it hurts to lose that.

show some appreciation for me whatsoever. dont fookin abandon me. totally bail on me. you were an important part of my life. this is not the right way to end an important relship. i used to be important to you too.

when the hell am i gonna feel like that for a woman again? i mean the woman has to be pretty special and different. SHE was special and different.


its amazing how this is so hard for me, yet most average people do it well enough to be gainfully employed and not ahve nervous fooking breakdowns that make them “DISABLED” according to some definitions.


but proud white men do not GET Neetbux! they work for a living, work for the J’s, and get garbage women to mate with hahaha.

should you marry a woman you dont really luv and dont really want to commit to, IF the woman luvs you and wants to have your babies???

i would say no. dont start impregnating sluts till youre 50, if you are desperate to leave a legacy and looking for white trash women who will have ANYONES baby.




ok did a 4.2 miler.

shit. after this maybe i could have casual sex. like if some slut came up to me right now and said bangme id say ok, but it is physically impossible for me to get feelings with you. even if you the greatest most luvable woman in the world. wouldnt matter. its gonna take me at least a year to have feelings for ANYBODY. i still want her and only her. she was a big deal to me. i cant notice anything else. i would just be using you as fook meat to get over her. i am completely emotionally UNAVAILABLE and will be for a WHILE.

and then the gurl would say fine me too what you thought i had feelings for you lol we are just having secs, dont you know, its 2015 now, whenever you first have secs with a new partner of COURSE theres no feelings, NO FEELINGS IS ASSUMED! doncha know that feelings only come after like 6 months of banging……if ever, and they probably dont happen at all! so just chut up and bangme! and then i would. and make vidyas of it too.

ok. so you are supposed to remember the bad times, not the good times. if the good times lasted, then you would still be in the rel. if they still luved you. if they wanted to work it out. they would still be with you.

of course she never really luved me! god damn it will be ruff when i have a Real Actual Relship that ends where i have the First Major Longterm Monogamous Rel, complete with dating and cuddling and sleeping over and spending holidaze together and meeting the friends and families and spending every weekend together and both persons Acknowledging the other as their Monogamous Partner In a Rel, and saying I Luv U etc……….

…….and then THAT person stops luving me and dumps me hahahahha. ie the First Major Longterm Monog Rel Breakup that Normalfags have around age 18 or so hahahaha, which kicks off a decade of Casual Sex Hookups in their 20s.  shit THAT breakup is gonna damn KILL me! i didnt DATE this woman!

how could i have prevented this?

talked to her in october and september when i was first starting to get feelings. i should have said “uhhh i think i am getting some weird feelings for you. something is happening, im not sure what. maybe it has to do with your secret boifran. why dont you tell me about him. and could you ever have feelings for me. damn this is weird this is happening now.”

or i could have talked to her in july when i wasnt sure of her feelings for me, and said “this niceness, what does this mean? do you like me? do you have a boifran? if you ever get feelings or just feel confused, talk to me immediately and i will do the same.”

it is very painful to think of her having casual secs with guys she just me. and she WILL be doing it. damn. bbbbut for me, secs with her would have been SO SPECIAL and had so many feels. yet she just gets plowed by random guys, no feels anywhere to be found.

yeah the pain is just ridiculous. the thought you knew somebody and then you didnt know them AT ALL. how could you be SO WRONG about something that mattered so much to you? what else are you completely wrong about in making Big Life Decisions, or in judging people who are your friends, your good friends, your “closest” friends, your Lovers, the people you trust?

anyway it was good, but near the end it was really, really bad. it was worse than i thought. because when i got mixed messages, i only focused on the “good” part, disregarded the bad mixed part.

its like i said. subtlety is lost on those desperately in luv who desperatly want to save the rel. they will not understand subtlety, they will ignore mixed messages. there is a huge filter where you look at things that support your Optimism hahaha that she luvs you, or at least she wants to work this out, or at least Oh No this ISNT the end. when it totally is.

yep near the end we were really LIKE STRANGERS. she never wanted to hang out or talk with me. come on. thats all the proof you need. yet i took her willingness to have Small Talk with me at work, or to respond to my texts, as yep, we still ahve a friendship. otherwise she wouldn’t respond to my texts! in a halfway polite/nice way! cuz even that was totally alien to me.

i think she was responding to me just because she was generally a nice polite person and couldnt bear to just ignore me completely, like a common hook up slut hahaha. but its interesting that even the most pessimistic person, me, would be OPTIMISTIC about there being a chance.

well, its probably because we are SO DESPERATE. its not really OPTIMISM; its just that the Grim Reality is SO HORRIFYING that you HAVE to be in CONSTANT DENIAL. and then it all comes crashing down and you are KILLED for MONTHS.

yeah gonna do another 4.2 miler hahaha.

i bet she is at least somewhat affected by this. maybe she misses the good times too. well FOOK thats exactly what i wanted to bring back!!! in my desperate begging emails, i said we could get the good times back with a little communication!

well i wasnt wrong, but you need WILLINGNESS too. thats what LOVE is basically, is WILLINGNESS. I WANT to do this. we might communicate, but if she doesnt WANT to be muh Monogamous Longterm Gurlfran, then no amount of communication will make her want to be.

but that doesnt mean communication is worthless! it would have saved me a few MONTHS of pain i’m sure! and that is a big deal!

maybe it could have even saved me muh job.

but months of pain would be okay too, because the amoutn of pain you can suffer in one short month is RIDICULOUS. in a single day ever. its a damn MIRACLE i did not K myself! every day I do not K myself is a damn MIRACLE!!!!!

i heard this one expert say youre not supposed to talk to your family before you dump somebody, becuase they might influence you to do something you dont really want to do.

did another 4.2 miler.

anyway supposedly its okay to talk to your shrink/counselor/social worker whatever. but your family and friends are too….biased? they might tell you dont dump him, he’s so nice and good, when the hamster in your guts tells you dump because idk lol. he doesnt give you tingles. and that should override your damn family being a voice of reason! i dont know.

i say talk to your family baby! i told her to talk to her family. cause i thought her fam would back me up hahaha. i thought they would be a voice of reason. oh hes a great guy you should not throw him away like garbage. you dont ahve to date him but dont do him like this, you will break his poor heart. and boy did she ever! worst pain ever!

anyway yeah i could have communicated better but it never would have given her feels for me.

and she dumped me i didnt dump her. thats for DAMN sure.

things were SHITTY  for at least five of the ten months i had feelings. this distancing was her ending HER stake in the relationship. she was pulling out and was a solid 5 to 8 months ahead of me. she had already accepted that it was over. i am only just getting there. and i STILL want her back. it will take a LONG time get past that.

what else.

yeah if i EVER have another female friend, i am gonna be CAREFUL. i am gonna watch for feelings like a HAWK. shit i will try to force myself to get feelings right away. i will endeavour to think of her as a Sexual Being RIGHT AWAY. i will keep her In The Loop. If she has a boyfriend i will say, errrr doesnt this make him jealous? are you happy? why dont you break up with him so we can date? no dont CHEAT on him. oh, you were WILLING to cheat on him? well i know all i need to know then. so lets fook and i know never to be monogamous with you or get feelings, CHEATER.

i will say, listen sweetie, last time i had a female friend, it started out very good, but it turned out very, very, very bad, and i just cant survive another one of those.

then i will tell the story. and say thats why feelings can be a big deal. so if i get feelings i will tell you, and you do the same. if either of starts getting any feelings or any confusion about feelings, we have to talk about it right away. maybe we should try making out. or fooking. maybe that will start the feelings quicker. cuz my first thought with the past woman was yeah it would feel a little weird.

well after a short month of really THINKING about it, i concluded it WOULDNT BE WEIRD AT ALL, and i was in full blown luv with her, and we had not talked about it at all. then the shit hit the fan 10 months later.

shit go for a MORMON gurl. they are like christian gurls, BUT they dont turn into HUGE sluts the moment they turn 18. well, some of them do. but not as many. mormons. i wish i could have the faith and work ethic and the happiness of mormons. they are successful, nondegenerate, and have large loving families, and non slut women. there is a mormon church “meeting house” within 10 miles of where i live, i am SURE there si one near you too. also mormons believe in JESUS CHRIST. its jehovahs witnesses that are the REALLY fooked up ones youre thinking of. mormons are NOWHERE NEAR as bad as jehovahs witnesses, who might be as bad as scientologists.

took a 60% nyquil to get tired for 12 hours.

nyquil is SUPER POWERFUL. a 100% dose will make you sleepy for 20 hours, which if you are a working man, you will be Fired for not Peak Performance. you will get a one on one meeting telling you to Work Better. i cant give any pointers beause i dont know how to do your INSANE COMPLICATED CONFUSING JOB, just stop making mistakes or youre fired.

i knew a mormon girl in college, well i fell i luv with her as a matter of fact! and by age 21 she had been with very few men, maybe even a virgin. it was also possible she was an asexual lesbian! anyway she became very successful in life and is way out of the league of a loser like me hahahaha. she makes 50 DAH saving the world from rich white men hahaahah.

well actually she probably only makes 25DAH in her world, but she takes the big pay cut becuase shes making a difference in the world and fighting the patriarchy. probably took a bunch of dicks by now or became a hateful lesbian hahaha. if she contacted me i might go out with her hahahaha. she prob still looks good. but im sure she looks older. she is not 21 any more thats for sure!!!!!

so yeah my woman is not likely to come back. SHE is the one who CHOSE to end it!

i woudl have been real good to her. better than any man had ever been, even her long term boifran. but noooooooooooo. and she would have lifted me up a lot, given me a lot of energy to hopefully do something with my life, get energized, get some direction, become a winner. become less of a nihilist. but noooooooooooo.

you have to walk 35 miles a week to lose 1 pound per week hahaha. you burn about 100 calories for 1 miles of walking. it takes 3500 calories to burn a pound of fat. therefore, 35 miles = ONE pound hahahaha. now you see how hard it is to lose weight hahahaha.

still easier than getting a living wage job or an attractive gurlfran hahahaha. this is why most men have shitty jobs and date/marry ugly women hahahahaha.

“neveah”, heaven spelled backwards. people actually name their kids this. DAMN. you do not need to be INTELLIGENT to BREED. but you really SHOULD.

i mean damn. my super intelligent seed NEEDS to be spread!

but i also have mental and emotional probs and am not tall, probably have no tall genes in me. super beta, but very smart. not ugly either. when i was young i was good looking and smart enough to pull attractive women. briefly hahaha. and not win their feelings hahahaha.

my AK got beat by this guys A2. he went all in, i called, i fear he migth have AA, but he beat with AA22 and I just had AAxxx. wiped out. decimated. cleaned out. damn.


aug 18

shit, just destroyed again, but a beautiful day, want to get out there soon.

the worst is getting images of her face, her body, worst of all, images of her sucking dick or getting fooked. i pray to GOD to erase these images from my mind, to erase her from my mind.

sending that email was a mixed bag. pros and cons. it brings me up from rock bottom briefly but then 1 day later i am right back. at root is is just a way to desperate beg for her back, to say please change your mind, even though i say “i accept fully that its over.” nope just words. because i want her, want to be with her forever, can’t accept her going out and sucking dick and being done with me.

so shes thinking “UGH why cant he just let it go, he obviously doesnt accept that its over.”

well thats cuz i had actual feelings for her, she didn’t have them for me, so OF COURSE its easier for HER to accept! she’s HURTING way less! i got HURT 900000000000 times more. I am not burned into HER memory! she’s already forgotten about me, and just says UGH when she sees another email from me!

is it REALLY for my benefit only? of course not, deep down i WANT her to read it, i WANT her to respond, i WANT us to communicate, and i WANT to manipulate her into Dating Me!

I do/did have a deep abiding nonphysical Gods Love for her, but i ALSO have a very sensual physical sexual attraction to her, and THAT is actually more painful at this time: like the memories of her body, her face, her eyes, her face getting fooked by other guys and her LOVING it more than she ever liked me. that really hurts. drives me nutz.

i feel incapable of doing ANY job. like i will read stuff or listen to people and just not comprehend. it is like i have a damn LEARNING DISABILITY. but i didn’t in high school! And I got a decent GPA in college! which even though i had an easy major, i still didn’t find it easy per se!

and recently i would read the technical articles needed to Do My Job and just be like “WHAT THE FOOK. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO MY JOB.” and when you ask for clarification, they treat you like an idiot who doesnt know how to read. and even if they are kind enough to treat you like a human being and try to explain it fully, you STILL dont understand it. and you can’t pray enough or jog enough to get your rest at night. always feel like you’re being pushed to your breaking point. forget about Gradually Pushing Beyond Your Comfort Zone. more like Constantly being pushed to the EDGE. big difference.

plus i don’t really have FAITH in GOD. I am still resentful at the very IDEA of such a judgemental and petty god demanding submission. but i go to church to show gratitude to my family, plus it seems like a fitting religion for DESPERATE, WEAK people who are just BEGGING for some sort of relief, and that kind of Humiliated Desperate Beggar I can totally identify with!

but i will always have fundamental Moral Disagreements which make me a Cafeteria Christian, an apostate, heretic, blinded by the deception of Satan, to live my selfish and worldly life. I WANT the worldly life! Give me that womans soft white body! I would have loved to fook her all day and do ridiculous things with her body! and i am jealous, angry, obsessed, and crazy, when all that goes away! It proves i don’t HAVE an abiding Real Love, i wanted to OWN her for myself and no one else, i don’t WANT her to be happy with other people. I want her to be with ME, period.

but i guess this insane pain is NORMAL for the end of a rel. especially if you had Actual Strong Feelings. Maybe it wasn’t True Love, but the feelings were DEF insanely STRONG! thats for sure!

I am against abortion, but what would i do if I got some gurl preggers before i was ready to take care of a child?

Also i am fairly FOR euthanasia at the end of life, to ease the pain of Cancer Patients, that sort of thing, when a person just wants to die to kill the damn pain.

also i dont think jerking off is a mortal sin.

or using contraception.

or premarital secs.

i do think that promiscuous secs, or secs outside of a Committed Monogamous Relationship, is kinda immoral though.

and these Moral Beliefs i’ve held pretty consistently for most of my life.

also i dont have a huge problem with gays.

I mean i dont hate the church per se, and i do beg to GOD to have mercy on me and give me strength, almost every day, and i like some priests, and i go to church to make family happy cuz its the least i can do for them. but i have never been a true strong believer, never had a Loving Relationship with GOD in other words. I try to be a good person but i have those Huge Moral Disagreements listed above. However I do generally agree with Dont Kill, Dont Steal, dont hurt people, don’t cheat on your spouse, etc.

Ive even been staying longer at church because i am so desperate!

But my deepest interest has not been in church or career, but just being in a Committed Monogamous Rel with a Decent Woman. It’s not easy finding good candidates. I found a good candidate and that just fooking blew up recently and totally devastated me worse than i have been in at least 7 years.

i mean shit what if she DID respond. then i would be obsessed with THAT, and trying to push THAT further and further, try to meet with her.

on the other hand, there is something good about meeting with somebody in person, in private, one on one, to have a damn TALK for ONE HOUR. if i had been able to do that ONCE with her, before shit got too bad, maybe they wouldnt have gotten this bad.

but i’m not sure it would do any good now, because now we are POST shit hitting the fan. the horse is way way way out of the barn and is never going back in!

so the talk would probably have more anger and hostility and accusation really. it would possibly be a much more negative, useless talk. talking would do no good now. it might have done some good THEN. so why the hell do I WANT to talk? because I REALLY want to live in a fantasy world. I want to hope against hope, i want the impossible miracle of her being with me.

so rereading the email with that in mind doesn’t make me feel so good about sending the email.

well i mean its not like shes gonna respond anyway. really the worst that i’ve done is that i’ve just set myself back three weeks, when i sent the previous one. but still. even three weeks seems like a lot when every day is ridiculous!!!!

like there was an emotional and moving part where i reminded her of how we had connected, how similar we were, how we had a lot in common. definitely a heartbreaking appeal! but that also kinda shows what i really want: for her to relent and submit to me! for her to say yes i was wrong i luv u too! lets be together forever and live happily ever after! and make out and cuddle and luv each other, and also have mad physical secs regularly!

it’s WORSE than an addiction! you can get over the withdrawals of HEROIN or ALCOHOL in like two weeks tops right? not this! it is INSANE having one person be at the FRONT of your mind for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks!

i mean, what the fook would i do if she DID respond? then of course i’d want to respond to THAT. and back and forth and so on. she wont respond of course. but WHAT IF hahahahaha. i have been playing what if for the past month, eery day all day.

like if she came back at me with a really bitchy takedown of everythign i said, and how i was totally wrong, and how i am a monster or a just a total piece of shit weakling not worthy of respect, i threw all my respectability down the drain by the way i acted to her. then what. then i would try to rebut that but writing another email saying but but but but. i didn’t MEAN to do x y and z.

well i didn’t really DO a lot. i was just afraid of having a direct conversation and blurting it out. i wanted to meet in private and have an hour to have a heart to heart.

but then, HOW HARD IS THAT???????? She could have done that, we could have talked for ONE HOUR in like november or december, and that would have been a lot better than what actually ended up happening.

very mixed feelings hahahaha.


sun 122pm 1-19-14

so i am trying to scheme ways to Shirk Muh Responsibilities at Work? Because I just don’t LIKE the job, so therefore I’m not going to do muh BEST?

But I AM doing my best, and getting reviewed pretty WELL for it! it’s just that I have these Sinful THOUGHTS tempting my mind. as long as I don’t Act on them. Heh. well, it’s not sinful to be scheming against a company that would get rid of me in a heartbeat. heh. this is why I want a nice FT UNION job. they can’t get rid of you so easily.

When they say that Unions Built the Middle Class, well that MIddle Class is what I usuall refer to as the Upper Working Class, or possibly Upper Middle Working Class. Or maybe Lower Middle Class on a good day.

anyway, obviously those jobs are gone. Your Parents may have had them, but You and your children won’t.

Or your parents were solid middle class dockers, lawyers, and profs, you are the 1%, and you’re SET. but maybe you underachieved in high school and are the shame of your parents because you didn’t get into Harvard and now you have to go to University of Virginia or sommat, so you feel great shame like a loser. Ok fine, you can read this blog. but only if you’re a virgin male. so get an Engin + Math Double Major at Univ of Virginia and I PROMISE you you’ll get a great job, and decent pvssy. and Don’t Smoke Weed or Drink Alcohol. Become Straight Edge. Ok, you can smoke cigarettes. just less than 1 pack per day. also, work out a lot.

Anyway, you’re YOUNG. I would LOVE to be young. But I can’t even imagine that feel anymore, because I’m OLD and FEEL Old. Spent so much time wanting Muh Youth back, that all of the suddenly I’m Literally Old.

and so therefore I’m writing more for the old than for the young.

lotta searches for fedoras in jan 2014. peak fedora.



oh yeah this will get this post some hits, hahaha.

for the record i do NOT have or plan on having a Fedora. Well, I might do it semi ironically. in an alpha, non-niceguy, toughguy, anti-atheist way.  An Alpha MGTOW who IS successful With Women sort of way, hahaha.

No, not really successful with Women, but also I don’t really Care. I care much more about surviving the next day of WORK without Having a Nervous Breakdown. I have never cared less about WOMEN in my LIFE.

I would gladly never have S  (ever again, haw haw haw) in my LIFE, just to have a low-stress job for the rest of my life, hehehe. that would be SUCH a fair trade.

But yeah, when you’re closer to 20 and surrounded by 20 year old women, you’re understandably more libidinous. Horny. GIVE IT TEN YEARS! Your Testos will go down somewhat and the Women will get a LOT less attractive.

But as far as HATs, I would rather wear a ridiculous viking helmet, or one of those helmets with the single spike on top, or a Warrior Helmet of My Ethnic Ancestors, something really Warrior like.

but yeah. These Fedora F4ggots SHOULD be smart enough to realize that if they start acting like an 4sshole to women……Then they’ll start getting women. So Niceguys Finish Last. SO DON’T BE A NICEGUY IF YOU WANT WOMEN, GENIUS.  Jeez. for people that pride themselves on their INTELLECT. Nah I think it’s just FEAR more than anything. They live in fear of Women, just like I live in Fear of muh JOB, hehehe. and I concede and KNOW, that that’s a HORRIBLE feel. Worst Feel Ever, is FEAR.

on sat watched a ridic movie, listened to MY FAV youtube guy for as long as I could before PASSING OUT at liek 10:40 pm, then slept till 10am sunday, and could have done more. NICE. Lesson Learned: continue to try for the einstein ten hours every night. even if you have so sacrifice everything: social life, school, women. so that all you do is work and sleep. literally. but then you will be at the top of your game at work and not stress out so much at work or about work. and in your dreams you can bang women and do alpha things, hahaha.

had a dream where a very attractive woman came over and it turned out she was a Porn Actress, but not an Official Hooker, and I didn’t really understand the difference, except that she looked too cute to be either one, but then she started talking very matter of factly about all the crazy porno vidyas she had done, and how she could Gape Her Ahole on Command, and assured me we’d get to have a Lot of Crazy S today.  Hours and Hours, until I was completely satisfied. might call her girlfriends over too. and they were all washed and clean and hadn’t had S with a Client for days. I was bretty happy about the way this was developing! But I never actually had S with them in the dream.

then boom, wake up sunday morning, got 10 or more good hours of sleep, still want 2 more, but got to get up, and got Big Stressful Day of Work To Worry About coming up tomorrow.

So what can I DO about the stress? How can I ADAPT, respond better, DEAL with it? Funny thing is I do do my job as well as can be expected, even BETTER than expected for a new person. so I’m worried about that moment when I will “finally snap.”  which hopefully will never happen……..but what if it does!!!!

what if!


yeah we ALL could have done things Differently in the past. Any number of simple things that probably would have been very effective, logically. I could have joined the military at 18, or gotten a good degree rather than a bad degree. but maybe i would have gotten bombed and lost my legs and gone crazy from that, or maybe i would have dropped out of skool altogether after failing thermodynamics and become a drug dealer and gone to jail where I would have been raeped up the ass and hanged myself.

we cannot change the past, don’t worry about the past. don’t worry too much about anything, but don’t do unhealthy stuff either. just try to be healthy in every thing you do. ask if what you’re doing, thinking, or eating is healthy. if not, don’t do, think, or eat it.

did i point out that the goofy stuff like squat-pooping or no-soap showering probably isn’t gonna Fix You all in one fell swoop. those are not cure-alls. they’re just interesting things to try, if you’re interested.

be open to doing 30 day experiments with yourself. For example, you’re not supposed to be hateful. In fact, too much hate probably IS unhealthy, but I see no reason why a LITTLE hate can’t be healthy. But after a recent setback, i said I was gonna be as hateful as I could possibly be, until X time limit. OK that time limit was about 3 months but I found I could not be hateful that long!

Try 30 days. Be as hateful as you possibly can, all day, every day, for 30 days. you will prob get all the hate out of your system, or at least the excess unhealthy hate. that over-the-top hate that’s not helping you.

if you see an ethnic person being very obnoxious and annoying, feel free to call them by a “hateful” ethnic slur, no matter what Educated or Enlightened or Successful people or Wimmin would say. F00k them, f00k what they would say, they’re weak faggots.

A goal here is to TOUGHEN YOU UP (and me too!). I swear I’m gonna do it. It’s nothing to be scared of. You know you WANT to be tougher. It’s just so tough. Well the good news is you don’t have to do it alone, me and you are gonna Get Tuff Together.

There’s an argument that Porno is OK if it keeps from being a Slave To Women, as long as you aren’t a Porn Addict about it. The Internet Guy mentions 15 minutes once every 3 days. Heh. I GUESS that’s not as bad as it could be, like 30 minutes every day, that would be horrible. He was arguing that Sexual Release is a positive thing. He DOES have a point. But you CAN get that release WITHOUT looking at Porn. So try that.

Also sometimes a period of NO Sexual Release can be a healthy thing too. Try THAT for 30 days. “No Fap Challenge” is what it’s called. Give that little experiment a shot. It’s all about experimenting with your own body, mind, and soul, finding what works and what doesn’t. Will take some trial and error. Some error is inevitable.

Should you take MEDS? SSRI’S? Prozac? Paxil? Effexor? Wellbutrin? Seroxat? Cymbalta? Abilify? I know for damn sure you’ve THOUGHT about it. That you have been DESPERATE enough to think, I’ll do just about anything, yep, my spirit has been crushed to the point where I’ll take those weird, evil, mind-numbing MEDS, I’m at the bottom of the barrel, I don’t know what else to do.

If you feel that way I probably can’t stop you. I actually tried them myself. The desperation keep increasing so I was like, f00k this sh1t, gimme a higher dose. Higher dose. Nope, still A Loser, better up the dose again, nothing else is gonna work, until I was taking like 60 mg of paxil a day. Then I figured this was breddy high for that. I really didn’t feeeel much better, plus i started worrying that, hey, they don’t really know the long term effects of these drugs, and I sure as hell don’t trust the FDA or the Pharm Industry to look out for my best interests, what if 20 years from now, I can’t create any serotonin whatsoever without the help of a Drug, a Drug that’s manipulating and possibly frying my brain?

So Against Medical and Professional Advice I stopped taking it. Don’t feel much better, don’t feel much different, but at least I can tell myself that I don’t have a drug permanently frying my brain. But I already prob already permanently fried my brain with alcohol and drugs. However I don’t want to fry it any more.

I have taken the Jung Perspective that “Depression” aka “Lazy Loserness” is NOT a DISEASE like Your Doctor and Professionals and TV tells you; that it is a SYMPTOM of whatever the ACTUAL problem is. It’s a CHECK ENGINE LIGHT. The light isn’t the problem; the light is telling you to look under the hood because there IS a problem, and we must investigate further to find what THAT problem is, and fix THAT.

I think for most of us, it doesn’t take that long of tinkering under the hood to see the ACTUAL problem: our lives are going nowhere, we are losers, we are virgins, we are fat and out of shape and anxious and cowardly and lazy; we have bad jobs; we’ll never get a good job or a good mate; we’re huge loser failures. And IMHO no amount of Pills is gonna fix that. There’s only one thing that will fix that, and you already KNOW what it is.

Good Hard Old Fashioned WORK! But it’s one day at a time, so that’s not so bad. The work isn’t SO HARD that you can’t do it. Sometimes it’s just as easy as walking out the door for a 20 minute walk. Or closing the 4chan page. Or finding a quiet place away from screeching teens, even if you just go into a bathroom stall. or going to the park and looking at trees and not having to listen to roaring traffic. or saying thank you that you don’t have cancer, that you have a place to live, that you aren’t in jail. or realizing that it’s ok to be a little bit hateful. that it’s ok if you prefer people of your own race. as long as you’re not going out and hurting anybody.

Now I’m NOT encouraging a Decadent, Hedonistic, Shallow view of “If It Makes You FEEL GOOD, DO IT!” leading to drugs and gluttony and promiscuous sex. I am a pretty Traditional Morals kinda guy. I think Today’s Women are too promiscuous. I think people too often Separate Sex and Love, and this Should Not Be. Recipe for Disaster and Soul Murder. Ok I will be back.