THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

setp 17 2016

reddit. i mean sometimes its ok but there are degenerates who think noods are fine, and being a slut is fine, and abortions are fine, very nihilistic and muh dick.

some of the advice is common sense and good, namely the stuff given by well adjusted, moral men, but like i say, theres this current of degeneracy that is just terrible. that says the being a promiscuous slut having casual secs is ok. that its ok to look at porn. that jealousy is always bad. that nobody has any responsibilities to anyone else. that kind of shitty consent morality type stuff. secular humanist garbage that really isnt that humanist at all!

or not judging someone who starts dating/fooking someone new 2 weeks after a breakup and just say “everybodys different.”

i mean they have no problem judging guys who are creepy or rapey or weird or controlling or abusive or manipulative or immature or whatever hahaha

 

oh deargod. white guy is thinking about leaving his white friends because they dont believe in institutional racism, and are narrow minded racists who think blacks have the same opportunities whites do. they dont believe in white privilege. therefore they are disgusting savages who must be dumped. this isnt even them going 1488 gtkrwn, moonman lynchin ingras, its “sorry, i just dont believe in white privilege bro.”

well no redpilled 1488ers here, but at least they said give these people a chance, dont dump them right away.

but yeah. so sad. white people dumping their white friends because the white friends do not kiss nonwhite ass and hate whites enough.

this all because much clearer to me once i understood the JQ. these powerful white men on top? theyre not white man. hahahaha. see the israel lobby and cultural marxism hehehehehe.

and also realize that many whites are simply pawns of the joos, like these whites spouting antiwhite antiracist crap. hand rubbing intensifies!!!!!!!! yes good goy hate your white privilege! give reparations to all those whites have disadvantaged!

ok. when i fell in luv with her, i wasnt really LOOKING. i wasnt really seriously thinking about going on okcupid and looking for damn sluts. i wasnt really thinking about meeting new women. and then one day i woke up and realize i had feelings for a woman i already knew.

well…not quite. it was a transition that took about a month. i forced myself to meditate and think about it. not avoid it. at first it felt wrong and weird. then day by day it felt less wrong and weird and day by day it felt more natural and right and good.

and now over the long term, the final analysis is that it was NOT wrong and weird, and it TOTALLY makes sense.

anyway. what else. i determined each job interview was like making a big 26000 dollar SALE. that is a pretty big deal eh? yes it damn well is. and not all of us are cut out to make big 26k sales. but we HAVE To be. because thats what getting a job is. youre selling yourself and the company is investing at least 26k in YOU.

yeah i just dont like when people think i had ulterior motives, when i didnt, but they wont let me defend myself. if youre gonna accuse me, at least let me defend myself. i expected the chance to defend myself from her.

yeah i am starting to get over it hahahah but i also dont want to really go on okcupid BUT i really SHOULD meet new women BUT i almost dont want to meet any women BUT dirty sluts because i am in a woman hating phase so i couldnt POSSIBLY appreciate even a GOOD woman!

yeah i made some mistakes but i think they were medium mistakes as opposed to huge mistakes. i guess the main thing to remember, if i ever make another female friend:

  1. tell her right away if i find her attractive or not, even if i am not super duper attracted to her, be like, yeah, TECHNICALLY, OBJECTIVELY, you are a 7/10, but i’m so fooked up i’m not attracted to anyone right now
  2.  but i could VERY POSSIBLY become attracted to you and fall in luv with you after TWO YEARS of solid friendship.
  3.  therefore, we need to revisit this topic every few months. feel free to ask me about it whenever, and i will make a point to check in every 2 or 3 months just to let you know.
  4.  also, here sign this jooish contract stating you will not get mad if i get feelings for you, and you will dump me Softly.

so yeah, i was a….coward bitchboi, but i still didnt deserve this. but also shes not an evil person and i can understand why she responded this way. the end. it just hurt me a LOT. and my feelings are valid hahahahahaha.

yeah it makes a lot more sense now. at least now if i ever become friends with a woman again, i can tell her,

“LISTEN. LOOK. HERES THE THING. I dont have any feelings for you RIGHT NOW, but that could DEFINITELY CHANGE. Because you are not a fat ugly old hambeast but a solid 7/10 hahahaha. just realize that if i start acting like i like you,a nd amd askig your to hang out with me all the time but you think im being weird and you blow me off, then yeah that’s your sign that I have started getting feelings for you.”

“I dont have any feelings for you right now, but you are young and not ugly, so, its not out of the question that I might be attracted to you if you were not in an LTR. If you break up with your Boifran then I have a 50% chance of trying to Date you. but im not gonna push you one way or the other because i dont encourage people to CHEAT, and if you wanted to Cheat with him on me, I would hatefook you and spit in your face and abandon you like the filthy cheater you are!”

hahahaha.

well….what i would do is call their cuck BF, tell them the GF was a cheating bitch and you should dump this bitch right now, and THEN I would fook her, get vidya of it, and use the woman as a hatefook dumpster for about 10 fooks until i started feeling too degenerate about it.

no ideally i would say god damn you to hell you traitorous evil bitch and spit on her and walk away and NOT fook her.

guy is stonewalling a gurl. reddit says stonewalling is bad

so sad, he is 30 and has never kissed a gurl yet, so of course women get weirded out when he hasnt fooked them within a month and he is making a big deal out of this whole first kiss thing….

WELL NO FOOKING SHIT ITS A BIG DEAL TO HIM BITCH, HE’S 30 AND NEVER KISSED A GURL!!!!!!!

SO IT IS A BIG DEAL TO HIM!!!! RESPECT THAT!!!!!!!!

yeah its weird but he seems to be doing allright. no major issues, stable adult, not a ton of despair or shit.

sept 19

found this guy on linkedin i used to work with at the horrible job. he was a “newer” guy but he was really sharp and smart and picked it up really fast. charming, smart white man. he did degen things like go to electronic music festivals and take ecstasy and acid there and probably bang sluts. i immediately thought he would be charming enough to bang That Woman. i dont think he did, and of course that was just my insecurity. bottom line is, he was a smart and very capable guy worthy of a more than 15 an hour job.

i randomly see his linkedin and see that he worked as a temp contract for this one company that ive been meaning to apply for the job, and he describes it as basic data entry (awesome) where he was a top performer and instructed by management to help train people to do their job better. there was a possibility to make it a temp to perm, BUT he got passed up because he had only been there 3 months. and i believe it was the perm job I saw on indeed and wanted to apply for.

why didnt he apply for the perm job? Im sure he did, and thats when they told him, sorry, you havent been here long enough, even though youre the top performer.

ok. so that means they never planned to hire externally. which is good. why not promote someone. or in this case, temp to perm.  and i am a fan of promoting from within. and yes seniority does mean something to me.

but i wish they wuld have found a way to keep him on because he is very capable and deserves a bigboy job. his big career objective is just to become a damn tier 2 already because he is sick of being tier 1 support. answering stupid calls in a call center. 1 year at our place, 4 years at goddamn COMCAST, he should be made a SAINT for that. GOD DAMN. all he wants to do is get off tier 1 phones. and he is more than deserving.  but noooooooo.  thats too much for a smart white boy to ask. also he has very good people skills.

now i didnt trust him because i saw him as direct competition for That Woman, and also I think he is a Recovering Autist who probably made a conscious effort to become so Charming, and i am jealous of people who have actually succeeded in that struggle, where i have failed hahaha.

i have been looking for some fresh funeral doom metal and esoteric might be good. i have heard about them for 20 years (well, maybe 15 hahahaha) but never actually listened to them.

anyway. that guy deserves a decent job off the phones but i hate how women can Spread So Easy for someone with just a little bit of charm. well, he was kinda handsome too. there should be a law hahahaha. dont spread for a man until you have known him a YEAR. they say the Mask Slips after a year hehehehe.

heh my mask didnt slip. i didnt have ulterior motives. i just got a new mask hahahaha. no i was never wearing a mask with her. my FACE changed. damn. and she can go spread her coont for charming handsome men from tinder. i bet this guy is on tinder hahahaha.

but damn 4 years answering phones at comcast, he’s entitled to anything he wants after that living hell.

but yeah should give this one a fair chance too, of course im familiar with the name for the past 10 years or more hahaha.

yeah i just hate not knowing what to do, and the people who do know are too busy to really help you, and push you to figure it out, which all wouldnt be so bad if you had some actual time and didnt have the person waiting on hold for you to explain the shit to them!

contacted to do a written test for part time city job which pays 15 an hour and i would LOVE to get.

so stupid though. there is only one chance to take the test. they get like 20-30 people in a room to take the test all at once. people have lives and families. you can schedule an interview, why cant you schedule the test. it REALLY smacks of making people jump through obviously pointless hoops. i hope they are not promising somebody else this job and REALLY making us al jump through hoops even more than i am thinking!

thing is, i already went through TWO testing sessions with city HR for another very very very similar job. a 4 hour written test session with 2 tests that were very similar. another 2 hour session on word and excel. 2 or 3 interviews, i cant even remember. and still nothing.

why cant they use my “scores” from those previous tests and just call me in for a fookin INTERVIEW?

when in the end, even if i get an interview, theyll be like, oh yeah dont pick him, he’s got a long gap.

but i am damn sure counting this as .5 of an interview to add to my count there!

the only thing that could make this stupider is if they are interviewing for an ELIGIBILITY LIST for Possible Jobs in the Future. I recall there was an actual goddamn posting.

but what did the posting say…….

oh fuggggg. it does say that. it is for a goddamn eligibility list. that lasts for 2 years. well at least its 2 years and not 6 months hahahahaha.

maybe GOD is calling me to be permanently unemployed just as he is calling me to never have a white waifu and white children.

maybe GOD is calling me to have a nonwhite waifu and nonwhite children!!!!!

because we know GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!!!!!!!!

that would be SO BAD though. Why cant GOD respect the white race? there are other God Worshippers who are able to be pro-white! AYO HOL UP! R U TELLIN ME GOD isn’t actually pro-white?

that would suck!

 

heheheh his family and friends still like his ex gf AND the other man and dont care that she cheated on him with the other man. i hope reddit doesnt tell him to “just get over it you controlling jealous abuser” because this literally is stupid and offensive hahaha.

thankfully reddit agreed, yes this bitch is evil, give your family an ultimatum and tell them to stop being friends with her.

you never know with reddit.

this funeral doom sounds bretty good

just got into the mood for some slow funeral doom, no excuses no apologies. but i want it to be kinda pure. like no black metal in there. not ruling out the desire for funeral doom with a touch of black metal. see: abyssmal sorrow? something like that. warning: might have drum machine, i HATE drum machines in metal. also this band lycus. def no drum machine there.

i mean it might be time to break out the EVOKEN hahahaha.

i remember when i was in high school first finding out about black metal and doom metal, EVOKEN were a new and exciting band, and i was on board with them before “quietus” came out, IE 15 years + ago hahahaha. then i lost track of them.

music schmusic who cares really. i wonder what these guys do for work hahahaha. probably make 70k a year in skilled trades hahahaha and have 3 kids apiece, nice white wives. WELL GOOD FOR THEM.

then they shouldnt abandon their families to be in a metal band, EVEN IF they are in one of the Best Current Funeral Doom Metal Bands.  not even Good Music is worth abandoning families over.

but they only do 1 album every 4 years. maybe they dont abandon their families.

well, i hope not.

heh. once i wrote a review of either “quietus” or “embrace the emptiness”, one of my tryhard 10,000 word reviews, and the band liked it and put it on their website. that was pretty neat. this was no later than 2001 hahaha.

so evoken if you are reading this, NEVER ABANDON YOUR FAMILIES. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. BE GREAT FATHERS TO THEM. retire from the band if it ever becomes an either or thing.  your childrens well being is worth more than any DOOM METAL.

says a guy who likes doom metal and has been an evoken fan for 17 years hahahahahahaha. i get it. if anyone gets it, i do, hahahaha. i love black metal and some doom metal hehehehe.

but you know what i luv more than black metal and doom metal?

HUHWHYTE FAMILIES!!!!!! WHITE WAIFUS AND WHITE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah I really dont WANT God to call me to be single & childless OR have a nonwhite waifu OR nonwhite children.

i took a 50% dose of nyquil hhehehehe

got 3 job applications in today and 6.8 miles of powerwalking. netcalories of 1044 with goal of 1200. so ok i guess it was good day right. welp would have liked to do more job apps or gotten more calories off. but when you want to do BOTH, i guess its not too bad. really the more important thing is job. i should stop trying to lose weight. but would easing up on that REALLY improve my job search THAT much? i dunno.

 

 

NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

ACCIDENTAL UNINTENTIONAL DECEPTION

1128

yesterday i felt some shame again, like damn i really WAS unbearable, why didnt i just come out and SAY it. thats why she was so mad at me. i really WAS acting super WEIRD. I kept telling her how worried i was abotu our “friendship” and desperately begging to get along like we did back in the good old days, etc. getting SUPER happy when she woudl talk to me for more than 5 minutes. definitely putting her on a pedestal. huge pedestal. how are you supposed to respond to that?

well, you dont HAVE to be so cruel and mean for one. could COULD be nicer and write an email. or said WE NEED TO TALK. or said why are you being so weird. then i would either say becuase i like you, or because i am worried about our “friendship”, to which she would say she’s just having some tough times, but needs some space, and we will hang out someday, and someday never comes, and i say i am there for you if you need me, i will try to give you space, but i miss you and want to hang out with you, etc.

if i were EVER to contact her, the root cause would ALWAYS be, i want another chance, i want to make it work.

anyway she just couldnt HANDLE me being so ridiculous, no WONDER she didnt want to talk to me.

so i was being ridiculous at that time. i just wish she had been nicer and taken into context that we had been friends for 2+ years, i wasnt just some randome weirdo being weird, i was a long term friend who was turning weird, and i wish she had taken into account our long term friendship and been more forgiving to me for being weird, and also realized that getting feelings naturally makes you weird.

got 8 miles yesterday at the fat gym, might have to bring it up to 9 hahahaha.

could we go back to being just friends? absolutely NOT, becuase i will always want her, wanting to be with her will always be the Root Motive for everything. i want her to apologize to me BECAUSE I want to be with her.

i couldnt stand being :just friends” with her cuz it would essentially be the same situation. she would fook other guys, want me to stop liking her, etc. it would just be BAD. this is when you need to remove someone from your life. she certainly removed me from her life! but some sort of clarifying statement at that time would have been nice.

she removed ME.

she blocked ME from facebook, meaning she didnt want me contacting her.

she prob blocked my phone from her phone.

dont know if she filtered out my email. or just deleted it as she saw them. or read them. or opened them, saw how long they were, and deleted them without really reading them.

so yeah she threw ME away, therefore, if she wants to talk to me again, SHE’s gotta be the one to initiate it.

plenty of dumpers reinitiate contact just to get attention or god only knows. she has not. i fight the urge to contact her every day.

so yeah i am ashamed for being so weird and beating around the damn bush. she probably thought i was being a disingenuous, dishonest, niceguy sleazebag by claiming to be “worried about our friendship.” but i really was. but i did have “ulterior motives” too. but i didnt feel the ulterior motives were sleazy or bad. i luved her in a very classic disney sort of way. the type of thing that changes a man, makes him want to commit to one woman, have babies with her, etc. rather than some shotgun marriage or arranged marriage. but where you have REAL feelings like the damn poets and songwriters talk about.

the motives maybe seemed ulterior to her but they werent sinister in the least.

well i had been hinting and signaling for months. theoretically she could have said “do you like me or something? you have been acting weird for months like you like me or something.” although the onus was on me to do that.

listen. look. if she had ANY feelings during this time for me, she would have been RECEPTIVE. she was the ANTITHESIS of receptive at all. she was rejective hahaha. but she would have seen the signals of my feelings and HELPED me. been like i can see you seem to be trying to tell me something, lets talk about it. a bit of handholding if you will. not everybody is gonna hold your hand but if theres anyone you could ask to do it it would be your friends.

yeah i was overbearing and ridiculous but…..i couldnt see myself acting much differently given the situation. well…..what if i had blurted it out. of course thats what i hsould have done.

but yeah i handled everything like an idiot. but i was not trying to DECEIVE her, let alone ABUSE or hurt her!

but when i feel ashamed, then I want to apologize!!!! for being stupid and overbearing and making her uncomfortable and making her hate me.

but i think she needs to apologize to me too, for throwing me away and having no sympathy or understanding for me.

well every time i talked to her i apologized for being weird. but that in and of itself was WEIRD.

just every day i want to hear from her, open up my email and see an emial from her.

ok.

to that person,

i’m sorry i was so overbearing and stupid and weird. I should have just told you I had feelings for you earlier, rather than being all weird and cowardly about it. I know it annoyed you a lot and made you hate me, and pushed you away from me. I wish it hadnt annoyed you that much and we could have just talked or emailed about it though. i know it was a horrible time for everything, with all you were going through in your life. but i couldnt bottle it up any more.  i never meant to deceive you. i never meant to hurt you. i was trying to send you signals that my feelings had changed. i was trying to hang out with you so we could talk about this. i didnt really know how to communicate my feelings to you otherwise. i couldnt think straight at work and i didnt want to talk about it over work chat, or in the parking lot.

i should have clarified all this by saying, we need to talk, and i dont want to talk at work, can we either meet in person, or talk on the phone, or emails, and please respond to the email with a longish email of your own. i know you couldnt read my mind. but i cant read your mind either. i thought we were going to hang out some day so thats why i didnt tell you everything earlier.

i still dont think getting feelings for you was inherently bad or wrong so i will never apologize for that. we were good friends for a long time and for a number of complicated reasons which i have tried to explain, i did not get feelings until 2 years into our friendship. it was not the greatest timing but thats how it happened.

im sorry i was too cowardly to express myself clearly. i kept thinking we were eventually gonna hang out, and at that point, i wanted to talk about everything and get everything out in the open. i know i was too much too handle but i still am really really hurt by the way you ended it. i wish you could have talked to me or wrote me an email and sent me a final message rather than just avoiding me without saying a word. i think our friendship deserves a better ending than that. i know i was too much to handle but my intentions were never hurtful. my aim was true as the song goes.

i was ridiculous and awful, but i honestly beleive i was never abusive or hurtful. I might have seem deceptive but i never intended to deceive you. thats why i was giving so many weird signals, because i really wanted to talk about all this, i couldnt keep it bottled up, and the signals and the weirdness was like a boiling kettle blowing off steam. i had to let it out somehow and i let it off in a thoughtless and confused and cowardly and frightened way, like a confused animal.

when i get feelings for someone, it affects me and i dont behave perfectly. i get weird and awkward and confused and make mistakes. i wait for the perfect time to talk, even if it never comes. i act weird and get scared and cowardly. all this happened with me and you. when you turned away from me my heart was broken. i brought some of this on myself, but i dont think i brought all of it on myself. im sorry i didnt express myself well but i also was very very very hurt that you could not bring yourself to say ANYTHING to me. this was a really big deal for me and it hurts to lose you. obviously thats for the best considering you dont share my feelings. but I would really really really appreciate it f if you culd just tell me you dont share my feelings and try to make this hard time a little easier for me. have you ever gotten feelings for a friend before, who didnt return them? I will miss our friendship too. But in the end, I want to be more than friends. If you don’t return that feeling, then it’s best if we dont see each other. But I will always wish the best for you, and I want you to wish the best for me too, rather than hating me. I didn’t choose to get these feelings to hurt you.

but i would really really really really appreciate if you gave me some kind of decisive but cordial ending. like did you respect the friendship we had? even if you dont respect me now, we had a great friendship. And though I behaved in a cowardly and confused way, I dont think I deserved to be totally disrespected. Please try to see where I was coming from. I didnt want to hurt our friendship, but I also couldnt go on with the friendship the way it was, because i had stronger feelings for you and I could not hold them back. This is not an unheard of thing.

Anyway please talk to your family about it and please read these websites about the best way to end a relationship. and if you ever want to give a more than friends thing a try in the future, please get in contact with me.

I was wrong to be so cowardly in communicating my feelings to you but please talk to me. I don’t think I was that wrong to deserve this kind of punishment. I am really hurting and it feels like I’ve been thrown away by one of the most imporatnt people in my life. I understand wanting to end our relationship, because we each want different things out of it,  but please lets try to end it on better terms than this.

///////

those were the kind of things i was saying in muh emails, which prob got automatically deleted hahahahaa. oh well.

i mean i can see myself possibly meeting other women…….but they wont be as GOOD as her. more slutty, older, just overall less desirable and lovable and i will not get feelings for them cuz its hard to get feelings for high number mercenary sluts.

heh. i wish there was a handbook or textbook for how i was supposed to feel about all this.  yeah it was my fault to be a coward, but overall i dont think it was THAT morally wrong, the way you can say BETRAYING somebody is morally wrong.

the thing is, it might be CONSTRUED as DECEPTION, and deception/deceit IS more morally wrong than cowardice, and could be seen as a kidn of betrayal.

so yeah i guess you can betray someone without intent. just like you can MURDER somebody without intent, they call it MANSLAUGHTER or accidental death. a horrible ACCIDENT.

so what could i do? promise to never ACCIDENTALLY betray her again? also, if she were not so closed to the IDEA of TALKING about Feelings…..it wouldnt have seemed so deceptive.

also i think deception is more like, pretending i didn’t feel the way i felt.

if anything, i was BLATANTLY acting the way i felt!!!!!!!!!!

why is he acting so WEIRD? hes acting like he LIKES me now!!!

because i DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there was a shitload of accidents, and miscommunicaitons, misunderstandings. leading to her hating me.

  1. i want her to stop hating me
  2. i want her to  apologize to me
  3. i want to be with her (root motive hahaha)

so is it worth it to contact her to try to get her to stop hating me? to apologize to me? because we know what the root motive is. but i honestly just dont like like being hated for the wrong reasons!!!!

BUT THATS ON HER! SHE NEEDS TO DECIDE NOT TO HATE ME! IF SHE HATES ME THATS HER FAULT! I CANT STOP HER FROM MISUNDERSTANDING!

YOU CAN LEAD THEM TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE THEM DRINK!!!!

is a classic lead them to water stuation here. where the water was these emails explaining everything and begging for a response.

so if i did the accident, isnt it my responsibility to contact her and apologize?

BUT I ALREADY DID THAT!!!! but i did that near the beginning of everything. should i do it again now?

well we BOTH made mistakes and accidents.

see how i keep making MENTAL GYMNASTICS and RATIONALIZATIONS as to why i should contact her? its because i want her back in my life!

WHAT WOULD I SAY TO A BELOVED FRIEND WHO WAS GOING THRU THE SAME THING? I’d say, well damn this sucks man, i know EXACTLY what youre going through. But stop torturing yourself all the time! be nicer to yourself! come hang out with me and we will partake MJ and watch MOONMAN and I’ll hook you up with some sluts if you want and i’ll hook you up with a new job and help you get through this even though i know it will take a long time, and i wont tell you its time to get over this already, but i will tell you stop torturing yourself so much by blaming yourself and dreaming up reasons to contact her!!!!!!!!!

also, IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, SHED BE WITH YOU.

but then again, even people who are married and are in long term rels are HORRIBLE at communicating, and you think, damn, they could easily get through this argument if they JUST COMMUNICATED.

but you cant make someone want to communicate with you.

so should i check in with her every couple of months then?

do you think that will make it easier or harder to get over her hahahaha.

BUT I DONT REALLY WANT TO GET OVER HER!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

But does she want to be with me?

I dont know, she never said no hahahahaha.

no what she “said” was even WORSE than no. it was no with extreme prejudice and vengeance. it was a nightmare nuclear no.

but i still want to be with her.

but i can see how i need to get over her. because she doesnt want to be with me. and so if we were together, it would still end horribly with her dumping me!

but we would get to go out for a few months and have lots of secs and hours of cuddling first!!!!!!!! so its worth it!

heheh this is why women should not have secs OR cuddle OR date men they dont really like and just plan on dumping in a few weeks. its a cardinal sin to lead a guy on like that!

and i am a total sucker for getting led on! i was led on just by her saying “yep well hang out soon”.

women can lead me on accidentally and unwillingly, just like i can betray women accidentally and unwillignly!

but i would hate to be coerced or trapped or forced into a rel (by a Baby for example) with a woman I did not care for as much as I did for her!!!!!! the kind of luv i had for her is the stuff long term marriages and Solid Nuclear Families are built out of! it is the building block of good traditional decent K-selected white society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

think about it! while im doing all these mental gymnastics: if she wanted to be with me, then she would be with me. she would be OPEN to TALKING about my feelings towards her. if she werent ready now she would say leave me alone for a 3 months and I will be in contact with you. I’ll contact you. i’ll write you an email every month describing how im feeling. ill respond to you when you say please respond. i dont hate you for having feelings for me. i understand that it is complicated and confusing and bad timing and that this is hard for you and i dont blame you or hate you for being a coward. i would be a coward too.

IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME, SHED BE WILLING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. PERIOD.

that is a good sentiment to end on. gonna try for 9 miles today.