FRI jan 17 2014 935p

well this is muh party hour. about 15 mins ago I ingested a tiny Medicinal Edible. I had one thing that would supposedly Do The Trick, so I ate one half of it. never had an edible before. was debating and debating. reasoned that fri night was the absolutely best, no Arbeit macht frei for 2 whole days. plus now I am not freaking out as much, such that I can actually enjoy fri and most of saturday as well.  but I did not want to do it sat. nope. fri night. and then write and listen to music.

have no idea. usually I take one Puff and then get paranoid for 3 hours and nervous, heh much like the NErvous Stress I felt at muh job, but more of an urgent panic that someone is gonna burst in and…arrest me? attack me? muh family and be dissapointed in me?

Heh. I don’t NEED any more stress and nervousness. Semi stressful day at the job;  pressured to Stay Late, and staying late would Look Good, but I really just wanted to go home at my usual time. plus things were starting to slow down such that the “pressure” to stay later would likely be taken off soon and I prob could have only stayed an extra hour anyway.

OR it “Looks Good” to come in on Saturdays. and I have Sat and Sun scheduled off; but it would be a Great Showing, for example, if I offered to have Friday and Sunday off, for example, and come in on Sat. I would if someone forced me. But they won’t force you, they’ll just see if you Do The Right Thing and if you don’t, they can use that against you later when laying off.

BUT laying off allows you to collect bennies, so it’s not all bad. It’s QUITTING you never want to do.

like they just laid a sh1tload of people off this week. I survived. but when they are making cuts, you want to do more than the bare minimum. you want to be a tryhard and a kiss4ss. I am pretty good at kissing A, but damn I just wasn’t feeling like staying late today! maybe next friday I will if they want! I am still not super solid on the job yet and there was some tricky stuff today!

but yep that is part of Being An Adult, is Weathering Stress and Working when you don’t want to, and that’s part of having a Normalfag Work Ethic and not a Loser Work Ethic, right?? all the little subtle tests that really aren’t THAT subtle. stuff that sends a message. stuff that I just did not have at muh old loser job.

You don’t want to be Bare Minimum, you want to be Bare Maximum, where MAXIMUM is Bare Minimum, and you surpass that every day!

because they can then say, you don’t really WANT this job, because why WOULDN’T you accept overtime if it was offered to you? Aren’t you desperate enough? Or do you really dislike the job that much? hehehe and I am thankful that I’m NOT THAT desperate, I thank GOD every day for that as I am driving there. I say a ton of Hail Marys and ask for strength for everyone there and to protect the peopel that were laid off, and that if you need to lay anyone off, lay ME off, I can handle it, and I thank GOD for THAT; and I also tahnk GOD for this TEST that I am surviving thru his grace; however I’m also thinking that the Communication Skills I’ve picked up ARE to some extent permanent, and even if they “wear off”, I will still have SOME permanent benefit in interviews and jobs years in the future.

unless i QUIT the job, and that will show up on a BG check because I wouldn’t get Bennies, they’d say, WHAT KIND OF PERSON QUITS A JOB? A QUITTER LOSER AND OR AN ADULT BABY FREELOADER with EMOTIONAL ISSUES or a DEADBEAT BUM PARASITE WHO DOESNT REALLY ***WANT*** TO WORK!!!!

don’t think that edible kicked in yet, starting to feel a LITTLE different, but nothing too horrible hehehe. some say takes 40 minutes, an hour, no peak until 2 hours, ok fine, that’s why I did this on fri nite hehe.

so say your manager hates you because you’re not an overachiever, you’re just a lazy loser with a bad work ethic that can’t be fixed, who doesn’t want to fix yourself. they will make your life a living hell so you can QUIT, they don’t have to pay you UI, AND then you are blacklisted as a quitter for the rest of your life, permanently unemployable, hehehehe.

heh. this is what I spend muh friday night thinking about. usually I just watch american dad and go to SLEEP now. today I stay up late, eat edible, listen to music, write, and sleep in.

so now what. yep. just weather the storm and survive until layoff. we all KNOW we’re getting laid off, it’s just a matter of trying to NOT get laid off before then for Not Being A Team Player.

but even the best performers WILL get laid off. they will just get hired back quicker, or hired back period.

heh. saying what kind of music I like certainly risks idenitfying myself and then getting fired / perm uempployability; but yeah Rebirth of Dissection is Sweet, even if you don’t like Reinkaos, the Live Album is SICK, the way they poured their heart and soul into that, you really can feel the Religious Devotion and Higher Calling. They weren’t there to mess around, they were there to Seriously Glorify Their God, and this is very feelable heheh. Not sure you glorify “Satan” the same way you glorify God, but its a similar feel to Us Religious Folk. However they don’t really “worship Satan”, but rather….View AntiCosmicness and Chaos as The Most Powerful Thing, and “Satan” is just one part of their “Current” along with other forces of Chaos. Chaos is the big thing, and it is less Worshipped than it is Embraced and Celebrated, although I would argue that does contain a kind of Submission. Submit to the All Powerful Chaos. But then the contradiction of becoming FREE by doing that. Heh. Kinda like how submitting to GOD makes you free too, hehehe.

Yeah the details of his Religion are really confusing.



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but 90% of it is detailed one specific event: GOIN TO KOHLS.

dec 12 841 pm thurs

yep had last day of Underwork today, 3 days off, then start New Lower Middle Working Class Fulltime Job on MONDAY. Yep never had an experience where I left on Great Terms, with proper 2 week notice, saying goodbyes, me giving them cards, them giving me cards, it was very nice, but I was nervous for this actual day, well it’s all over now thankfully, very nice people, thank GOD. very nervous about new job, very worried, but my new mantra is: “JUST LAST A YEAR. JUST MAKE IT ONE YEAR. GIVE IT ONE YEAR.”

Because if you quit a job before one year it is a gap and short hop and shows you have perseverence or stick to itive ness and give up easily hehehehe. Unless you have found a better job of course, with your f4gg0t masters degree.

so I was at muh underjob for FIVE years, when really THREE years would have been much more realistic. Actually ONE year would have been enough, because it was such an underjob, but my excuse THEN was that I was “busy with skool”, and indeed I took like 70 credits of classes: accounting 1 and 2, economics 1 and 2,, business, marketing, programming, Excel, Databases, C++ 1 and 2, Calculus 1 and 2, ASP.NET, Web Dev, Linux, bla bla bla. Was trying to take classes that would theoretically give me Useful Skills. But that was muh EXCUSE for slacking off on muh job search, because I hate skool, but I hate Job Search even MORE.

And that still might be the case! But quite literally this new job fell into muh lap, and I didn’t have to try hard at all, hehehe. However once on the job, I will be trying very hard, and prob slowing down on this blog quite a bit, because I will be busy working and trying to get a promotion hehehe. See when I am getting PAID TO WORK, then YES that is a SERIOUS Motivator. THen I work HARD. I Outperform everybody, I am the Best Employee. But NOT when it comes to Skool or Unpaid Work. Aren’t I so unambitious hahahahahahaha. F00king F4gg0t world for saying you’re a loser who doesn’t deserve a job, when you just want to work for a living and make money, and money is your main motivation for Working. Back in the Good Old Days, that used to be considered NORMAL, and RIGHTFULLY SO.

losing f00kloads on POkerstars. Folding until I get QQ or better, then going all in. last 2 times I went all in on QQ and got beat, lost muh whole 1000 chip stack because they had a Straight, or a pair of Aces. Lessons Learned? Not sure. Don’t go all in unless its AA and AA only? and then they’ll prob still beat you with 2 pair, 3 of a kind, or a straight, hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

IDeally I would like to “Double Up” muh starting stack of 1000ish, and THEN get more relaxed and play hands under QQ, actually PLAY a lot more hands. ANd then use muh Huge Stack to muh advantage there. But I can’t seem to get that big first pot!!!

fri 13th dec 226pm

went to KOHLS and bought $200 worth of New Clothes for New Job. Felt bretty good. It was full of minivan momz shopping for crimmus. so i tried something diff today: 2 diff things actually: buoght the dress shirts that are in the plastic bag because those seem Super Professional Work Dressy to my mind; and bought some Dress Pants from the Dress Pants section near the Suit Separates section. As opposed to Regular Dockers or Haggar Khakis. Nope. These are more dressy. Haggar or Croft and Barrow Dress Pants, with a crease and pretty polyestery hehehe. Bought a Dark Navy Blue pair and a Gray pair. IMHO most important colors to have. ALready have black.

ALSO cruised by the Nondressy section and grabbed 3 sonoma items because I Luv Sonoma By Kohls, hehehe. Muh secret was, this time I did NOT go to the fitting room. This makes the trip 3 times as long and grueling.

Now, there IS a benfit to using the fitting room to try the stuff on before you buy it. But Assess the mood you are in. If you are like me and procrastinate on buying clothes, it’s prob best to use the shotgun approach, buy as MUCH stuff as possible, and then if it fits REALLY bad, take it back later and you can grab some more stuff then.

Plus Kohls is bretty reasonably priced for the Lower Middle Working Class Budget and you can get nice pants and shirts and sweaters for under $20 apiece and not look like a slob.

But I am VERY GRATEFUL that I can Afford to spend $20 on a SHIRT. I have been saving though, earmarking funds in a Clothes Account.

Yeah and the Dress Pants were $36 apiece. Good God.  The Plastic Bag Dress shirts ranged from $15 (nice!) to $26 (made sure to buy one Extra Nice one.)

You can prob still bring the bagged dress shirts back as long as you fold the shirt and attempt to put it back in the bag. people return stuff to kohls EVERY DAY.

I also feel very comfortable at kohls, in muh comfort zone, because that has been muh go to store all of muh life, and has never really steered me wrong, such that here I don’t really NEED to go out of muh comfort zone, although going out of yer comfrot zone CAN sometimes be VERY beneficial.

For example, Burlington Coat Factory is a very nice alternative to Kohls.

And many times you CAN find nice stuff at the Thrift Store.

How about, try the “Upscale Thrift Store” with “gently used” stuff, which costs a little more than the Real Poor People’s There But For The Grace Of GOD Go I Thrift Store Stuff.

But yeah. Can’t remember the last time I bought 3 pants (2 dress, 1 very nice sonoma corduroy), 4 shirts (3 dress, 1 sonoma), and 1 sweater during ONE clothes run. and it was all said and done in like 70 minutes ALL INCLUDED: driving to kohls, shopping, driving home. In the ridiculously way below avg cold waether. Now I tried on the sweater and it is beautiful but shoula got the XL instead of the L, hehehehehe. And it is a nice enough design that I might actually go back to exchange it.

then went for a powerwalk in the blistering cold.  only 6 more months of this, hahahaha. should really save up for that LIGHT BOX. TEN THOUSAND LUMENS.

anyway reasonably priced clothes are one thing actually worth spending money on, unlike college or cable tv or cars. you will feeeeel more confident with nice new clothes, that is a FACT, and confidence is PRICELESS. It is like being able to Buy Sexytime with 18 yo qt nonhookers. That kind of Alpha Male Masculine Confidence. PRICELESS.

just downloaded the Google Drive App to the hard drive, so you can sync all your stuff apparently. will it take xml files? json files? only time will tell.

anyway. if i had tried on clothes at kohls it would have taken 3 times as long, i would have got 3 times less the amount of clothes, and i really needed a LOT of new clothes because ALL muh clothes look bad and shabby and old and Not Even Lower Lower Working Class.  Lesson Learned: Just trying buying lots of clothes without trying them on until you get sick of going back to return them. Then you can switch to a phase of trying the clothes on, untill you get sick of that. each phase might last a matter of YEARS.

when you find a brand and style you like, say croft and barrow Classic Style Dress Pants, then just buy multiple pairs off

OOOH perfect day to make a new mix cd! so I Did!

OHH protip: back up your saved mix cd playlists to yer cloud drive. google drive. btw it IS letting me save all sorts of weird files like xml and json and wpl. backups of muh 3 main blogs, muh mix cds throuhout history, muh BOOKMARKS, etc. NICE. really don’t care if Google Employees see it, nothing illegal in there, not planning anything illegal. COME AT ME FEDZ.

Heh. I am remembering a pair of Sonoma Jeans I bought like 3 years ago that were just a little too tight in the Thighs, and then for Jeans I swore off of Sonoma, and would only do Lee, Wrangler, or Levi. Of course I have large thighs and Always like a little extra room.

those numbers on the shirts measure your neck and then your arm length. this is very intimidating and I wish they just said S, M, L, XL, because I usually like to go for an L, even though I am not a Tall Man, but Large accomodates muh belly best. but I do have kind of a large neck too. so I found one brand of shirts that had a little bit of a conversion chart of sorts, so I could find something right between medium and large.

And if you have a Weird Body Shape and Size like Moi, then you can never FIND good looking clothes in the proper size, so perhaps it is best to order online.  Get muh size 37 inch waist and 25 inch leg pants, hahahaha jk.

* Did I mention American Dad is a great Comedy TV show to watch to make U Laff and to Improve Yer Mood?


Maybe take COURSERA (or similar) Free Online Classes that give you a CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION, so then you can put THOSE on your RESUME.

Also put the Hardest 3 or 4 college classes you’ve ever taken. Maybe. Especially if you don’t have a Bachelors or Masters or PhD yet hahahahaha.

* Well it’s No Shave November so you should be growing your beard, I know I am. The Key think to remember is, shave your neckbeard, but be VERY CAREFUL there. It’s actually better to have More of a neckbeard than LESS, despite the very negative connotation of the word. like the guys who shave it all the way up to the jawline look HORRIBLE.

* Just shave the bottommost 20% or so of the neckbeard.

* Don’t shave that every single day, but space it out as much as you can. Every other day or every two days.

* you will be tempted the shave the topmost part up on the cheeks. again, do NOT do that every day. Do it once a WEEK at most, and don’t come DOWN too far. just shave the most ridiculous Outlier hairs. Once a week.

* key thing is, don’t be a TRYHARD with your beard, don’t look like a tryhard, you can have a neat, presentable, well-groomed, natural looking beard without being a tryhard.

* I just discoverd this: use the Windows Key (between ctrl and alt) + tab to scroll through your open windows and programs in a REal Kewl Way. I’ve always used Alt+Tab to do this, one day my finger slipped, and A Whole NEw World opened. Give it a try, just Do It. You’ll prob like it.

* Start a GARDEN and grow some staple foods. Stuff like RICE, LENTILS, Peanuts, WAlnuts (heh), Apples, Quinoa, Chick Peas, Onions, Garlic, even Corn. Get some Chickens to lay eggs for you too. BOOM instant Organic Food Supply on the cheap.

* Make your own Buttered Popcorn at home,  cover it with Butter and Salt, and have your own movie night. I guess if you have to make MIcrowave Popcorn, do it, just not every day. I don’t trust the chemicals in Processed Foodz, hehehehe.

* Minimize the Processed Foodz you eat. The Chemicals in there are killing your body, mind, and soul. These POISONS make you Unhealthy.

* Story Tiem: I recently forced myself to be productive and it FELT REAL GOOD MAN. It was WORTH IT. Got a Haircut which I needed badly after about 4 months, especially the hair on the sides and if you happen to have a Super Hairy NEck. So now it looks 900000000000000000000000000 times better, totally worth the money, I look 900000000000000000000 times more presentable, like less of a slob virgin who takes no pride in himself and who eats his own smegma, hahahahahahaha.

* Also went to the store and got some great stuff: a package of 4 nonwhite t-shirts, grey and black. This allowed me to throw out the remaining White T-Shirts I still had, which were yellow and gross.

* was also very proud to get new gloves that are a decent size. If you have smaller hands, it sucks to have too-large gloves that are 90000000 times longer than your fingers. Like I said before, it really helps to have gloves where you can still USE YOUR HANDS to hold stuff, drive, etc.

* My SEcret Protip here was to buy good-fitting Mitten Gloves: where it was half-finger gloves, with a Mitten Flap you could pull over to keep the tips of your fingers warm, but you could opt-out of coverage for your FingerTips, with even a nice little fold-over fingertip for the thumbs! very impressed.

* Also bought some Odor Eaters POWDER which looks a lot like Talcum Powder but I guess is better at Eating Odors. My big Power Protip here is to sprinkle that into the shoes and just let it sit overnight.

* Also bought a LARGE bottle of Bragg’s Organic Apple Cider Vinegar. This stuff is the magic bullet right there. Drink 1 tsp a day and it will save your life miraculously, hahahaha. Or it will acidically erode your teeth, mouth, throat, and esophagus, hahahaha. that’s why you mix it with water, Fool.

* Use HootSuite to manage your Twitter and then put HootSuite Social Media Manager on your RESUME, hahahahahahahaha.

* Always say you’re Really Good at stuff but also always emphasize that you are NOT CHANGE ADVERSE so you are always willing to change when your manager tells you and won’t be stubborn and try to do it your way, like a BAD OLD PERSON, when you are trying to get a job where your manager is some rich punk with a Masters Degree who’s younger than you.

* Once you hit 2000 followings on Twitter and can’t follow any more, start cleaning house until you get to 1900, and then add people to LISTS but don’t FOLLOW them unless they are really good. You can Add 9000000000000000000000000000 people to LISTS. Protip.

* Just making sure you bought some SILVER. you DID buy some SILVER right? So you should keep that by your bed and carress it every night and know that by the time you’re old and really need your investments to pay off, that silver will be worth like twice as much as it was when you bought it. SILVER IS A MAGIC BULLET.

* even if you don’t have ANY energy, tell your future employer in the interview that you have a LOT of energy and you’re a very energetic person. Because ENERGY makes you seem less OLD I guess. These f00king f4gg0ts openly hate anyone over 25, and if you’re over 30, forget it. Day Of The Rope, baby, Day Of The Rope.

* Get Radical Plastic Surgery to make yourself look like a Superhandsome Man at Age 21. Ryan Gosling, who the f knows. I would go with Mel Gibson or somebody actually MASCULINE. Mel Gibson is still very handsome and masculine at age 65 or whatever, but have you ever SEEN him at age 21???? Enough to turn a straight man gay. good god. Not that he looked gay in a nonmasculine way. I mean, highest level of alpha masculine handsomeness ever.

young mel gibson gun


sat june 6 2013

heh getting way ahead of myself, might do Two A Day soon

Buddhist Society of Western Australia? This Ajahn Brahm guy is bretty good, all the vidyas these guys do are probably breddy good too.

Now in that depression vidya he tells the story of the 2 bad bricks in the wall of 1000 bricks. Or the person who kills themself because they did one thing wrong and did 1000000 things right. they focus only on the bad and never the good. we focus only on our failures and never our achievements.

* well it is easy to Talk Back to him:

“It’d be one thing if I had 2 failures and 998 successes, but god damn if I don’t have a much more SKEWED RATIO! I EASILY HAVE AT LEAST 51% Failures, if not 60 or 80! I Have more failures than successes! That’s why they’re so easy to focus on!

* Or maybe you do do good things, you try to do good things every day, good habits of eating, exercising, getting enough sleep, but it’s not enough to OUTWEIGH the one big mistake of your wasting your youth, or getting a useless degree, or screwing up College, which in and of itself was ACTUALLY a package of 100000000 little mistakes, which now you’re paying the price for, and all the Little Good Things you do now can never outweigh them.

* But yeah he’s right, we aren’t as Awful of People as we think we are. And other people aren’t as awful people as we think THEY are. But he’s also goddam right that we live in a very Negative, Poisonous, Toxic Culture, which breeds depression and anger and failure. Makes ya kinda wanta give up your Successful Career as a Theoretical Physicist and because a Buddhist Monk like he did, hahahahaha. But seriously he said he used to be one, don’t think he’d lie about that.

* Wonder if Buddhists accept losers who couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

* so what if…you do a lot of decent little things, but you have one BIG screwup that is MORE IMPORANT. MAGNITUDE. SIGNIFICANCE. STRENGTH. INTENSITY. See what I mean?

* Then you fall to your knees and beg Jesus Buddha for forgiveness, mercy, and inner strength.

* so while it’s hard to relate to someone who Liked Skool……ok just checking it looks like he doesn’t have a phd in theoretical physics. “just” that he graduated from Cambridge in theo phys and then went on to…..teach high school. nice. not nearly as PRESTIGIOUS a career as a PhD Academic Scientist.

* Still, High School Teacher is a Bretty Sweet Job, and he’s probably not a Virgin, so many of us Total Neet Losers cannot Relate to him. But the point stands: he seems like a Real Cool Guy and we could all stand to listen to his lectures.

tuesday july 9

* finally finished that vidya and a few more. go watch that ajahn brahm vidya RIGHT NOW. 9/10.  at first I was put off by his voice but within an hour I had a New Mancrush. Go and watch the rest of his vidyas. after the stories about the 2 bad bricks / 998 good bricks, and the story of the dumb farmer who brings the chicken sh1t into the house, vs the smart farmer who brings the eggs into his house, his lecture gets better as he reminds us:

* THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I guess they say this a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous. But the point is, everything passes. Good stuff and bad stuff. Realizing good stuff will pass makes you more grateful for it; realizing bad stuff passes makes it easier to endure. because it’s just another thing and it WILL be over one day.

* what REALLY blew my mind was when he said: stop FIGHTING your “depression.” just sit there and be “depressed.” stop struggling and fighting and trying so hard. This is part of the buddhist thing about meditation and just Sitting There and Being, Existing, rather than Doing.  Anyway since I hate struggling and trying so hard and it’s so DRAINING of energy, such an uphill battle, the idea that it was OKAY to DO NOTHING really appealed to me. Just sit there and BE, MAAAN, and say one day this too shall pass.

* this could be VERY easily twisted, so go listen to HIM talk about it. he sells it alot better. the metaphor I’d use is the idea of QUICKSAND: the more you FIGHT it, (or just in general, DROWNING), the quicker you sink, the easier you panic, and lose your energy.

* You have hardly any ENERGY to BEGIN with, so why WASTE it struggling and thrashing? You can save more energy just peacefully Floating, than violently thrashing your limbs to tread water.

* I am VERY concerned with ENERGY, because I have NONE. It is the biggest struggle just to get out of bed, read a book, go shopping, get ready for the day. Actually going to “work” and being at “work” is probably the EASIEST part of the day because it’s there I feeel somewhat Useful, I do a pretty good job, I get paid. But when it comes to the Chores of Life, First World Life, like getting the car serviced, or buying groceries or clothes, going to the bank (thankful to be rich enough to afford an Actual Bank Account!), getting a haircut, going to the college counselor, job searching, intership searching, cover letter tweaking, those things are hard to do.

* EVEN DOING THIS BLOG is starting to drain the energy from more important things, so FAIR WARNING, I MIGHT slow down on it!

* So watch that Brahm vidya on depression and watch his other vidyas too. Alot of people LUV this guy and I can sorta see why. I had never HEARD of him before this month. ACTUALLY somebody posted one of his vidyas (a diff one) on r9k. Then about a week later I was searching Youtube for Depression vidyas and found this one, said, isn’t that the monk from that other vidya the guy on r9k posted. SO I took that as a SIGN from the LORD.

* When you see a SIGN like this, LISTEN to it. TAKE it.


friday july 5 2013

* books are better than nothing. Prob better than going on r9k and whining, no matter how important that is. I’m talking about Student Success and How To Succeed at College and Career Books. You should be buying and reading these well before going to Gayige. Don’t be an Idiot and read books that were written 10 years ago. Buy newer books by younger people. Buy even popular, mainstream, well-reviewed books. The stuff that pops up easily on amazon. Stuff on study skills, networking skills, encouragement on The Necessary Extracurriculars, motivational stuff.  I saw this book

(not claiming this book is the be all end all, I just came across it RANDOMLY, read the first 2 pages, and was sort of intrigued, I don’t like the girl’s NAME and her manner of DRESS, but I like that she is Super Young and In Tune with the Hypercompetitive Dominate Or Be Dominated climate, and she shows you how to start from the humble beginnings of the community college to still become a Successful Winner. Plus she targets the book to “first generation” college kidz, where their parents did not go to college, and thus could not prepare their kidz for the ubercompetitive extracurriculars where you have to outshine and outtry and outplastic everyone) (you will not get that reference, hahahahaha)

“Community College Success” and started browsing through it and thought, there’s some good stuff there, WHY THE HELL didn’t I read ANY books like this before I Started College? Not a SINGLE ONE. It’s AMAZING and ASTOUNDING that I did not read a SINGLE such book. You’d think High School Guidance Counselors would be throwing these books at me since I had Good Grades and got admitted to a Selective College (boy did I screw THAT up! And that Screwing Up is why I’m such a Big Loser Now!) But even THEN, I avoided the hell out of my High School Guidance Counselor. Like they say, you can lead the horse to water but you can’t make him drink! And I never ever wanted to drink! (The water, that is. Ironically Enough I later developed an Alcohol Drinking Problem!)

If I HAD read even ONE book, I would have said, “Damn, this sh1t SUCKS, this is for TRYHARDS, I’m just going to college because I HAVE to, I don’t want to be an OVERACHIEVER, I just want to Skate By, Get The Degree, and then get a nice easy job. I ain’t trying to be a Professional.” Even as a TEEN I had the Wrong Attitude, of UNDERACHIEVEMENT.

I wish I had know what that girl states in the first few pages of that book I linked above: There is no “AVERAGE” any more. To not be a loser you have to do BETTER than Average. Average just keeps getting higher and higher. You have to be super competitive not to be a loser. There are no guarantees for Average, Disengaged, Disinterested, Unmotivated, Underachieving students, like there was 30 years ago. I thought I was living 30 years ago!

Reading one book I might have just blown it off and said f00k these tryhards, I’m not trying to be a DOCTOR, LAWYER, or go to GRAD SKOOL, f00k, I don’t even really want to go to COLLEGE. But It’s just like High School 2, so I’ll do that at least.

Maybe if I had read 20 such books and seen the same themes and advice repeated, I would have learned. and said hrm maybe I should do some of these things. And go on hiatus from school until I am Ready and Willing to do these things.





.shy introvert

. this fag needs to man up and bang that b1tch





I didn’t even read Internet Forums then! seeking out Advice from People who were Doing It. I didn’t even read 4chan, because 4chan didn’t EXIST! I don’t even know what the hell I DID look at. I remember having a slow dial-up internet connection. I think mainly I was wasting time reading about Music, trying to download 10 second song clips to discover new music, looking at pr0n, and reading corny love fanfics. And Writing Corny Love Fanfics. I wasn’t interested in seeking out ANY information that could possibly HELP me!!

That’s how stupid and ignorant and immature I was! I wasn’t even AWARE I was Obviously Becoming A Loser! I was just like HURR DURRRR Wimmin Are B1tches and Wh0res because they think I’m Creepy hurrr durrr and all I cared about was stupid music. Heh. Nowadays, quite rightfully, I don’t care about music any more, I wish I could enjoy music more, but all I can think about is Being A Huge Loser Who Hates Everything.

It’s not like I didn’t have Counselors and Shrinks right there to ask for help and guidance! And the internet too! But I either didn’t THINK about it, didn’t WANT to, didn’t think I NEEDED to, or was too SCARED and STUBBORN.

But I wonder if I had read r9k for even one week during that time, and thought, THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL BECOME if you continue down this path you’re on, if that would change my attitude and my behavior and wake me up.

you think this is a mfing game

Normalfags and Winners overcome their Teen Angst, but I NEVER DID. So Now I’m an Adult with tonnes of Teen Angst! Notcool.png

So yeah I blame not having r9k to scare me straight, hahahahahahaha.

I NEEDED a good scaring straight. It was too my ultimate peril that I was NOT scared straight. And so now I’m a Huge Loser without the motivation or Energy to Change Myself.

A Night in Jail, Teen Angst Boot Camp, Scared Straight Programs for Wayward Youth, working at McD’s or Walmart with 30 year old losers, reading r9k, any of those would have worked. Something where I got to experience Real Losers, rather than Beautiful 18 year old Future Winners (It was one of those Good Schools where EVERYONE becomes a Winner. Ironic that I became a Bigger Loser than people who Lose at Schools where there is a vastly larger percentage of losers!)

I must have had much higher self-esteem back then, hahahaha. i was COMPLETELY DELUDED!!!!! However I still did not have the Confidence that High Self-Esteem usually confers, otherwise I would have done better with the wimmin. But I was still antisocial and r9ky and spaghetti pockets and introverted. I was just fooking STUPID and CONFUSED. NOW I have a much better Idea of How Much A Loser Am I, and what to do about it, namely, work hard and network and extracurriculars, but I don’t feeeeeel like I have the energy, motivation, and I get too angry and hateful and discouraged at the idea of all that work! Bad Attitude and Lazy in other words!

(R9kers WISH they were autists! REAL AUTISTS DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK and REAL AUTISTS don’t CARE about Not Having Friends! Real Autists get All A’s in STEM Degrees and get good jobs despite being Awkward Autist Virgins, but with their Good Jobs, they’re LIGHT YEARS ahead of r9k neets! r9k WISHES they could be Autist!)


july 4 2013 yaaaayyy yaaaayyyyy | Explain the first time you realized you weren’t a normalfag. | archived from 4chan /r9k/ – ROBOT9000

heh that one is bretty self explanatory.

so when did you realize YOU were not a normalfag?

I, the author, am prob MORE normalfag than r9k. I can find stuff to appreciate about normalfags and don’t just see the negative side of normalfags like r9kers do. They say normalfags are stupid, selfish, shallow sheep, that relationships are cold, calculating transactions, that women are evil wh0res. I say: well yeah Conformity is generally important to normalfags and alot of them like some real stupid sh1t. But I envy many Normalfags for their ability to Work Hard, Accompllish Goals, Have Goals, not be Angry and Hateful all the time, getting stuff done, not being parasites, gainfully employed, trying hard, following through, growing up, being mature, having Meaningful Relationships, having children, starting families, having Careers, not dropping the spaghetti, etc. I see healthy, happy, well-rounded people, and wish I could be more like that. Many r9ks would disagree with me, and certainly most v9ks!

(I realize there are many other chans, many of them have their own version of r9k, perhaps I should Cite Them more.


(I generally enjoy 4 chon, but I don’t want them raiding or trolling me)

ok for example I took 5 minutes and found a 4chon r9k post on College General, College Advice, what to do and what not to do when you Go To College and don’t want to end up a Neet Virgin Loser.

(4chon has their own archive but in case that link 404s, here is a pastebin of it:


And then you will be a winner with a good job and QTs and never have to read my blog or r9ks.

so yeah it’s really not brain surgery. if you’re a morally defective lazy loser with something deeply wrong with you, you won’t hack it, you’ll fail, you’ll get deeper in a rut, and by the time you’re 30, you’ll be a huge loser, and the people you went to college with will be huge winners.


SO NOW WHAT. LIFT. PRAY. go for a POWERWALK. Get some SUN. Bribe people with pizza parties to get you a sweet $10 an hour upper working class fulltime office cubicle job, and then you can at least tell your family that you’re working forty hours a week, Get the F off me, you’re not some part time working lazy layabout. If the job is Spiritually Draining, then just be thankful you have a job, and then smoke w33d and LIFT. And a Man can prob be as old as 40 and still bang 18 year old QTs! So that’s one good thing about being a man!

i might have contradicted myself several times there, heh. ok don’t smoke w33d more than once a week. but you can LIFT every day. well, different muscle groups of course, pulling a muscle will just push you back.

* Some Normalfag Winners use “college dropout” pejoratively and incorrectly, for someone who’s taking a Well-Advised HIATUS from School to Regroup and Replan and come back Stronger Than Ever. That is not a DROPOUT. That is a HIATUS.  A dropout is someone who FLUNKS out with bad grades, is KICKED out, or just STOPS GOING in the MIDDLE of the semester, not someone who soldiers through to the END of a semester and THEN takes a Hiatus!

* If it’s Too Late For Me To Succeed, I feeeeel I can still succeed by HELPING young men who are in the position I was in, and turn THEM from losers into winners. Keep One young man from killing himself, help one young man Floundering through College to find A Way, and then a few years later, he’s working and making money and getting QTs and feeeeeeling haaaaaappy and then he sez THANKS I Never Thought I’d get out of that alive! And I’ll say, GLAD TO HELP! Now Pull some strings to get me hired at your job, and get your QT gurlfran to hook me up with her young 19 year old friends.





















“Why is moving out such a monumental task these days?”

general feels thread, how did yer first luv break your heart permanently and turn you into the failure loser neckbeard you are today, stories about b1tches be b1tches

requesting stories about getting Prostitutes/Escorts/Hookers/Paid Sex. German boasts of getting Attractive Girls at a Reasonable Price.

just learned about this site The Erotic Review

which is like a database of reviews and info about Escorts. Wowzers!

heh heh. here’s a goodun:

burning out mentally


can’t argue with that! hahaha. appealed to me because I talk about “burning out mentally” a lot. and feeeeeling “burned out.”

like a girl, she actually shows some interest, get nervous, have bad game, blow chance cuz grill doesn’t think you like her………….(or does she know you’re interested but she just cringes that you are so beta and unmasculine and faggy and unconfident and spaghetti)

^^^how kids become neets, parenting, tough love, motivation, epic ontology o’ neetage, 9/10

when your parents have the “we’d still love you if you’re gay” talk because they’ve never seen you with a grill

men of r9k: why do you hate women? hehehe nice.



Because they’re not hatefully angry at everything all the time, and can actually accomplish things in life.

1750 words. with a break in the middle!
july 1 monday 2013

[reel fast movie review, skip if desired cuz doesn’t really Fit The Mission of this Blog:
Kanal By Andrzej Wajda. Uhhh 6.5/10. Started off good, got a little slow towards the end, not as gay and boring as you’d think a movie from 1957 would be hahahaha. deals with the warsaw uprising of 1944. I prepped myself by watching the extras FIRST, then the actual movie. extras were good, a 27 minute thing on the making of, this was a 2003 interview with Wajda, his asst director on the film, and a Famous Polish Film Scholar. Second was a 27 minute interview of Wajda talking to some kind of Polish Ambassador in 2004 who was involved with the uprising. to put it in context. The Old Guy’s opinion was that the Warsaw Uprising slowed both the Germans and the Russians and somehow kept the Russian Army from taking ALL of Berlin and not just East Berlin. Not sure how. Kinda confusing. But the bottom line of Recent Polish History is that Poland was taking it up the A55 from BOTH sides, Germany to the West and Russia to the East, and Poland probably got screwed worse than any other country in WW2. Anyway. Warsaw Uprising is the Polish Home Army “militarily” fighting the Germans trying to occupy Warsaw, but “politically” also fighting the Russians, who were right at the doorstep. The vistula River. Russians coulda jumped in and saved the day, saved the Poles from getting murdered by the Germans, but the Russians preferred to just sit there and “bleed the poles to death.” NOT sure if there was still a Russian-German Nonaggression Pact in 1944 like there was earlier in the war.]

kids taking calc 2 or 3 over the summer. sweet baby jesus. I hate them because I envy them, that they can do this without RAGING out. One of the TOP Things I Hate right now is Good Students. I Hate People Who Don’t HATE Everything like I do. I hate Students who can diligently do their 10 hours of Hard Math HW a day during the 1/6 of the year it’s actually NICE outside, because they’re Good Students with a Good Work Ethic, and I Hate them because I Envy Them for their Good Attitude and Work Ethic which I don’t have but I wish I had, so I hate them…well, I don’t really hate THEM, I ENVY them, and I hate that I am not like them.


* Heh. WHAT WOULD IT TAKE for me to Productively, Chillly do Calc 5 and Orgo 6 over the summer…..think about it…..yes a Nice Radiant QT Prime Of Youth 19 Year Old College Gurlfran to Make Out With after doing Stupid Problems for 10 hours a day, to be cute and 19 years old and say Oh Good For You, I knew you could do it, now let’s cuddle as I rub my 19 year old body over you and you exclusively, and next month we can slowly upgrade to the next level of intensity, because I’m a Nice Girl, I only do One Base Per Month, bla bla bla bla bla



I have determined that the best thing I can do regarding my HATE and ANGER towards SKOOL is to Beg For Mercy and Help from a College Counselor/Advisor. Make an appointment, show them my transcripts, say PLEASE can you HALP ME, I am really burning out here, what’s the quickest way for me to get an Upper Working Class 10$ an hour job already, I am sick of school, I need a little DIRECTION at least, can you PLEASE I BEG YOU give me a little direction, O GOD PLEASE HELP ME, I really HATE SKOOL at this point, but I’m SMART I SWEAR, just my lack of focus, work ethic, and my bad attitude and my hate and anger are really making it real HARD for me to use the good brain the lord gave me. Got the Brains, but the Feels get in the way. Got a lot of brains, but got a LOT of Feels too. TOO many feels. Oh Sweet Baby Jesus Hammercy On Me!

And maybe they can “connect the dots”, and say oh you’re real close to this this and this, so think about these 3 options, rather than the 9000000000 “options” out there right now.

*So, Brethren Losers, do yourself a favor and see your own College Counselor. Even if they ARE “Useless”, they can’t possibly be HURTFUL, especially if you’re at Rock Bottom right now as it is!









. born to feel








* another thing that MIGHT help is Learning College Study / “Survival” Skills, like a Programmed Method for Taking Notes and Studying. Because you never really learned these things in high school, because high school was way easier, now college is way harder. well, not like psychology class, but like fooking organic chemisty and biochemistry and calculus and thermodynamics and statics and plastics and mechanics and stuff like that, where some psychotic 4sshole instructor shouldn’t have a job. Maybe take classes like these at the Community College if you can. Since those instructors don’t really Do Research, then Theoretically they need to be able To Teach. Theoretically. Although I can tell you a lot of them don’t know how to teach either. Anyway, there are tons of books on this type of stuff: “becoming a master student”, “how to study in college” by pauk, the Cornell Note Taking Method, the right vs the wrong way to do flashcards, etc.

So find the people who CAN help you (counselors maybe, tutors maybe) and talk to them and beg them for help because you’re at the end of your rope.

When they say maybe you should go to a shrink too, tell em YEAH YEAH, I’m going to a shrink, why don’t YOU go to a shrink, hahahahaha. No, they probably WON’T tell you to go to a shrink, and they DEF won’t tell you to K yourself like 4chan would. It’s their Masters Degree Lower Middle Class JOB to HELP YOU. And besides it’s paid for by the OBSCENELY GENOCIDALLY OVERPRICED TUITION. YOU are their BOSS. THEY are accountable to YOU, who pays their salary. MAKE THEM WORK FOR IT.

I guess don’t be super hostile to them, or super emo. Just gently let them know you’re Not In A Good Place right now, and you really need some Help Plox. And that aint no lie!

(I am trying to pump myself up to make an Appointment with a College Counselor, if you couldn’t tell)

And I would guess that it’s in These People’s Job Descriptions to be NICE. Nicer than some f4gg0t INSTRUCTOR I’m sure! Those Who Can’t DO, TEACH! (Unless they really WANT to Teach, then they may be good teachers I guess.) These Counselors Probably WANT to HELP you! Let them HELP you! Go to them and say, ” I’m kinda pretty much near the end of my rope here, I really need some Guidance. Help Me Determine My Next Step. ”

Anyway. Their Job is to Help You, so Make Them Do Their Job. I really HATED going to the Academic Counselor because I was STUBBORN and I was also SCARED. Don’t make the same mistake I did. I should have probably visited the counselor at least two times per semester. Got as MUCH outside help as I could, rather than as LITTLE.

* Being CONFUSED about where your LIFE is going is a BIG cause of ANGER. Maybe if you get a little HELP with this, you will be LESS ANGRY AND HATEFUL, and you already KNOW that will help you in all aspects of your life. Like LIFTING. or PRAYING. Less Anger/Hate will make you Better and Stronger and Smarter.

* Although if you follow My plan, you start the First Day of College with your Major Declared (Electrical, Mechanical, Computer, Biomedical, Chemical Engineering) and know what classes you’re gonna take and what profs you’re gonna stalk and what internships you’re gonna get, for every semester, and every summer, from day 1. THEN maybe you can get away with visiting the advisor once a semester, instead of once a MONTH, once a month would be ideal for lazy layabouts who don’t know what they’re doing and thus shouldn’t even be Away At College in the FIRST place.

* If you are Privileged Enough to be Away At A Big College, then Visit your Advisor once a month, every month, even if you think you don’t need to.

* Also, visit a Psychological Counselor / Shrink at least once a month, even if you don’t think you need to. Do it ANYWAY, to make sure you aren’t developing any bad habits, like anger or hatred or alcohol or drugs or laziness. It’s their job to keep you on track. To make you better and stronger. Heck if you don’t visit them now, you’ll just end up visiting them LATER, when you REALLY need it, once you’ve REALLY hit rock bottom, and you’re reading r9k and v9k and My Blog, and thinking about Ending It All because you’re a Huge Neet Loser Virgin who still wants to bang College Girls, but has even LESS of a chance now that you’re Creepy and Fat and Old. So Go On Spring Break like I said last post. The Ugliest of the Young Drunken State College girls will be hotter than the Average 35 year old Real World Bar Skanks With Kids. No Contest!

* Heh. Neet semi-wizards like us view Sex in a Very Big Picture Sense: Normalfags get sex. Women get sex. But we Beta, Omega, Wizard Virgins do NOT get Sex, or Cuddling, or Hugging, Or Handholding, Or GFs, or makeouts, or anything like that. So Women are essentially just Normalfags then. I know my Target Audience! I have good enough social skills to have S with a Drunk 5/10 Woman….BUT I HAVE IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS, hahahaha. Besides, I HATE skool, careers, and normalfags too much to ever fully BE a normalfag. Normalfags don’t have this much HATE, and it’s ultimately my HATE that keeps me from Succeeding in Skool, Career, Women, and Life.

* So I suppose the goal is….. BECOME A NORMALFAG. A Happy, Healthy, Handholding, Gurlfran-having Normalfag, who is able to Set Skool and Career and Relship Goals and Reach Them without raging out or giving up.