DO YOU REALLY **NEED** TO BE WITH 4 GUYS BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED?

june 25

saturday, beautiful day, wont be able to enjoy beautiful days when you are WORKING, hehehehe. so sad.

well try to apply for these Premium Sweet Jobs today. I set up DAILY alerts on indeed for muh top companies so that I get new jobs THE DAY they are posted at this company. protip, do this.  if you can sign up on the company job site for alerts as soon as new jobs are posted, fine, but some companies dont let you. because they dont know how to Properly Source Candidates hahaha. thats why they pay Recruiters to make job postings FOR them. good god. its STUPID.  and you see how dumb the recruiters are. how can you have RESPECT for a company that uses such sleazy recruiters? its UNPROFESSIONAL and EMBARRASSING.

you are a fortune 500 company and you cant do better than hiring a shitty mushmouthed recruiter who searches for resumes on indeed and careerbuilder for a list of technical WORDS ????!?!?!?!?! a recruiter whos never done a technical job and has no idea what the companies REALLY want or need, but then neither does the company, because the managers at the company don’t really know what their technical people DO either.

kind of like it was embarrassing for our company to have woefully undertrained peopel on the front lines simply acting as messengers for the Hidden Elite who didnt want to take calls.

well, to be fair, when a case was actually escalated, then the Elite would make phone calls as they worked on the case. and plenty of them found ways to be jooish about it. like i called you once for clarification, you were in a meeting, therefore i couldn’t get clarification, therefore i am closing the case. call one of our clueless tier 1 people to try to get it re-escalated, and then we will start working on it again in 48 hours from THAT.

and just the fact you can’t really talk to your coworkers and really LEARN shit because you are ALWAYS ON THE PHONE. the queue is always at max level. they will send people home if there are not a lot of calls. rather than say TRAIN THEM MOAR.

shit. she got a new job even though her linkedin profile is full of spelling and grammar and punctuation and logical errors. because companies are so DESPERATE to put bodies in call center seats. I just hope she’s taking stupid calls, feeling like she’s DROWNING, and not a stupid LEVEL 2 who’s essentially pushing level 1’s heads under the water, because she doesnt know what to do, but she’s not part of the punished caste who has to take those calls and forced to give the runaround and be like sorry, nothing we can do, no you can’t speak to someone else, no I can’t tell you why we can’t help you, just that we can’t, sorry, no you can’t dispute or appeal this, i mean you can TRY calling back and hope you get a better level 1 than me, but you might get a worse one too, sorry sorry sorry, nothing i can do, please hang up now because i’ll get in trouble if i hang up on you.

then you just give up and hang up on them and hope you dont get caught hehehe.

i actually never did that. but i might have transferred people to a level 1 person of a different department who PROBABLY could not help them either and PROBABLY transferred them right back to my department, hehe.

i hate to overestimate how much i mean to women. like i think a woman really values me…..but they don’t.

this is why this takes TIME. for example, the fact that we were friends for 2.5 years. we HAD that long term time together to know this just wasnt a passing phase for her, like so many dicks on the coch carousel, like so many pseudo relationships and lovers thrown away and replaced like robots.

no. we hung out over time and i began to TRUST her when she said I was one of her important top tier friends. she didn’t have many fake shit tier friends anyway. she would just leave those people anyway. like she eventually left me hahahaha. but they were drunks and drug addicts and real losers. and apparently i was just as bad as them.

and she was so moral she didnt even FOOK these losers hehehe. such a GOOD woman. congratulations, bitch, you dont fook obvious losers. what a SAINT. you get a fookin PROMOTION for not making babies with drug addicts. so EXTRAORDINARY and AWESOME of you not to abuse your SACRED RESPONSIBILITY with the WORST POSSIBLE men. im so PROUD of your ACHIEVEMENT.

bitches and whores!

i tried to watch “some like it hot” yesterday because i heard it was really good….but it was both ultra corny and degenerate. i dont like that degenerate WHORE marilyn monroe. why do you NEED to be with SO MANY guys? you DONT! you DONT! i just dont like her. jack lemmon and tony curtis were all right…..but do you notice how the agent who books them is very obviously a member of the tribe?  and i bet this damn movie was written by one too.

written and directed by billy wilder. i KNOW he was a J. total J from southern poland / galicia. born samuel wilder.

MARILYN MONROE WAS NOTHING BUT A DEGENERATE WHORE.

so i hate it when other women praise her as some awesome women. when she was nothing but a degenerate whore.

the hateful way i talk about women, its a red flag!

NO ITS NOT! it means I still know how to discern a good woman from a degenerate whore!

and its so sad to fall in LOVE with a good woman and then she starts sliding down to degenerate whore, and nothing you can do can stop it, because she doesnt care what you think.

heh. i am watching a stupid program about marilyn monroe. that whore fooked EVERYBODY. her first husband, a normie working class man. just used him as a meal ticket to advance her pornographic career.

then fooked EVERYBODY. huge hefner. joe dimaggio. arthur miller. tony curtis. marlon brando. john kennedy. bobby kennedy. frank sinatra. dean martin.

do you REALLY need to fook TEN guys in your life? NEVER!

 

i’m sure these men saw her as a Hot Mess who was an Easy Fook. so they pumped her and dumped her. especially near the end, once it was more obvious what a piece of shit she was.

women don’t even understand this. so next time you see some woman praising marilyn monroe, calmly, coolly mansplain to them what a degen whore she was, and if they dont end up agreeing with you, pump and dump the broad. just like what happened to their degen role model. some role model. a role model for being a degen whore.

well i wont drink again but i would totally abuse other drugs heheheh. i could totally abusing benzos because they chill you out like alcohol.

i dont want another woman to be muh wife. i dont want to be with any other women.

and since i cannot be with her i will hate her and hate all women hahahaha.

like i said i am in a TOTAL WOMAN HATING PHASE right now for at least another 6 months. till the end of 2016.

well i dont hate all women. just i dont have any interest in them other than banging the qt ones. and i dont have the power to do that. the only woman i really luv, that is done, and i am still grieving that. DEAL WITH IT.

IM dealing with it, by being in the middle of the process of grief. trust the process, RESPECT the process. so now YOU can deal with THAT. i know you WOMEN don’t understand GRIEVING for a Lost Love for a YEAR. cuz people, love, secs, hearts, relationships just dont MEAN that much to you. you people.

i mean its definitely in the latter half of that grief. the grief is not nearly as PARALYZING and DEVASTATING as it once was. but i still dont want to be with anybody else. I cant see anyone else replacing her. and i WANT to replace the SHIT out of that bitch hahahaha. i want to forget i ever met that bitch.

i mean she can replace ME, of COURSH i want to replace HER!

but i just dont think thats possible right now. i still need to wait more TIME, and THEN find someone who is SO awesome that they make me forget all about HER.  for a guy who does not meet many women, let alone attractive women, let alone get along with them REALLY WELL, this does not seem super likely. let alone women who do not want to be with more than 3 guys before getting married hahahaha.

oh i dont NEED to be with more than 3 guys, i just WANT to! secs is FUN you puritan prude! its FUN!

no its NOT FUN, its the Sacred Life Creation Process! The fact that it makes your cl1t FEEL GOOD is a BY PRODUCT!!!!!! muh feels muh dick muh cl1t muh tingles. you fooking INGRAS.

yes, i will concede that most degen normies think sex is FUN, but its only FUN so as to MAKE people WANT to do it so the SPECIES REPRODUCES. its fun BECAUSE it creates life. NOT because its JUST FUN.

tell the women, do you want your MOTHER to be a slut? what would your MOTHER say if she knew you were a SLUT?

ideally you would say father, but women dont have fathers, or their fathers are deadbeats who dont care, or pvssies who can’t influence shit.

so yeah ideally when a woman is a slut, she AND her father should be publicly flogged, then her head shaved.

WARNING: ONYL LISTEN TO THIS BORING ALBUM IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING

for some reason i was called to put this album in muh listening queue. melodic death metal from finland. i havent even listened to it. but i hear it is melodic and melancholic. death metal. melodeth. i hope it is not too modern. i hope the singer has a deeper voice and not a higher voice. i guess there’s probably not any blast beats. and it is very Clearly produced. not sure why i was called to listen to melodic death metal at this moment, and in particular this band. maybe cause i have heard of them for a while but never listened to them. and i like finns.

it may suck or more likely just be boring and overrated and boring hahaha.

i am starting to get bored of goatwhore again, their later albums are better than i initially thought but they are kind of growers and the riffs dont SHOW as much as on the earlier albums.

anyway this insomnium could suck. another thing i have on the queue after this amon amarth. who i sorta know what they sound like. melodic viking death metal. but i want something more melancholic. but its gotta be CATCHY.

so yeah. if all your mansplaining isnt helping a gurl understand that being a slut is BAD….pump and dump.

how would you feel if your mother is a slut? many times the mother IS! but that doesnt mean the daughter cant feel bad about it!

how would your mother feel if you were a slut? if the mothers a slut, she might not care.

just ask them how many abortions theyve had!

just ask them how many guys theyve been with!

I do regret not asking those questions directly of the 2 sluts i have been with. like after you banged them hard and they are cuddling with you and fee dominated and protected by you, you just ask. say babe, how many guys you been with.

then theyll say, what do you mean been with?

then come right back with, well i mean sex. whether its short term or long term. one night, one month, one year, friends with benefits….ANYTHING. How many guys have you had secs with. whats your NUMBER.

her: why do you want to know?

you: i’m just curious. I’ll tell you if you tell me. I just want to know how special I should feel now, or if you’ve done this with lots of guys, hahahahahahaha.

her: SHUT UP.

and then bang her again. maybe blast it on her face. take some pictures with your phone. or videos. you can put them on the internet later. send them to her mother, father, boifran, grandmother, children, friends, etc.

then ask her again.

so, you didnt answer my question. what’s your number.

must be pretty high if you dont want to tell me! what are you, some kind of slut or something? what, you been with more than 20 guys?

and then you might get them to admit theyve been iwth 10 or 15 guys.

STILL TOO MANY.

anything mroe than THREE is TOO MANY.

more than THREE, then theyre a SLUT. PERIOD.

they dont take sex SERIOUSLY enough.

they dont have RESPECT for human LIFE.

thats why they throw people away like they arent even humans.

they have sex with people and it means NOTHING.

they have relationships, even long term, with people and it means NOTHING.

they are sociopaths who stop just short of overt violence and murder (except for abortion!) and are satisfied “just” to break hearts in torturous, obscene, evil, satanic, j00ish ways

WOMEN: SERIAL HEART KILLERS. 

torture porn. its not just disgusting jooish movies. its the jooish way women have sick pseudo relationships and Mutilate and Desecrate Human Hearts, leaving a trail of ruined men in her wake.

again, this is why you always ask the woman if any of the men she’s dumped have K’d themself. not that they’d tell you the truth, hahahaha, but they will know you are on to their wicked game!

200th job!!!! 200th job application!!!!

actually probably a bit more. its just the 200th application acceptance email in my applied jobs folder folder, since i Got Serious with muh job search in april, about 2 months ago hehehe. sheeeeit march 21, about THREE months ago. 200 jobs, 3 months. 65 jobs a month, hmmm i can certainly do better than that hahahaha.

well remember i would often slow down on weekends and also days where i had interviews.

great post on daily stormer , quote:

I ran into a man today who I knew growing up, he was a few years younger than me and now 30 at the time of running into each other.
As a young man I remember him as highly intelligent, hard working, honest and reliable.
I ran into him while taking my daughter for our evening walk (I walk and she sits in the radio flyer with her stuffed animals)
He was in a neighbors front yard pushing a lawnmower for a living.
We said hello and I asked what he’s been doing in the years since we last spoke.
Poor guy tried college but couldn’t afford it, military wouldn’t take him due to chrome’s disease as a child, corporation’s wouldn’t hire him due to no college and therefore no experience, city employment never panned out because the lists are drawn randomly with set minority hire quotas per random (white) draw.

We said goodbye and as I walked off I nearly shed tears for this poor guy.

This is the plight of the American white male, we have no future in this America.
I am fortunate enough to be a very inteligent and hard working person, and I have very lucrative employment.
But had it not been for my time in the military; I would most likely suffer the same fate as this young man I happened across.

I see this everyday, hard working, smart, honest white kids working for minimal cash in no skill jobs.
That’s all white men are entitled to these days – if we’re lucky enough that a Mexican doesn’t beat us to the job.

The people who have done this to us will pay one day.

The prosperity of this nation belongs to the white youth.
Our ancestors built it, and it belongs to us.
We refuse to share our prosperity any longer.

In my brief conversation with him I hinted at my white pride and pointed out that his woes are due to the color of his skin and he agreed.

We need to target the young men of this nation to join our ranks, it is they who suffer the fallout of this j00 democracy worst of all.

He and all white men like him are in my prayers.
I would like them better my side in revolt.

END QUOTE

same guy says: Good fathers make faithful daughters.

GOOD FATHERS MAKE FAITHFUL DAUGHTERS. 

took 4.44 miler

that insomnium…..i deleted it hehehe. i guess try the amon amarth nao.

so this is insomniums highest rated album, people raving about it. it sounded nice and heavy but…..it sounded just like a more boring version of DARK TRANQUILLITY. and you know why I stopped listening to THEM? BECAUSE THEY GOT TOO BORING!!!!

so this is like listening to the latest dark tranquillity albums.

dark tranquillity was a great band who had several GREAT albums: the gallery, projector, damage done, character, fiction, haven.

great band, great albums.

and there songs are way more memorable and catchy.

and then eventually they lost their luster and became less inspired, more boring, going in circles, not sounding so fresh.

i mean its good to listen to in the background….but metal is not good background music, you need something chiller. but the insomnium just doesnt GRAB you.

yes the production is good, everything is technically good….but dark tranquillity did this a LOT better on THEIR good albums.

also i like it when finnish bands dont sound so swedish. dont play it so safe. have something a little weird and finnish about them. insomnium did not. they just sounded like boring late era dark tranquillity. NO THANKS.

i mean it didnt sound BAD. i could see lots of metal fans liking this because it’s heavy, its melodic, it sounds good. but the riffs are boring and not catchy enough. INTO THE OVEN IT GOES. disappointing.

this amon amarth better be a lot better. “with oden on our side.” just pagan viking beer drinking stuff. they have been around forever but i never really listened to them. always coming out with new albums, occasionally even touring and playing shows in muh citay.

today i thought: i am to blame. she would have treated me a lot better if i had just asserted myself like a MAN and put her in her PLACE. passed the SHIT TEST in other words. been like this ends now, you don’t treat me like that. i guess you can slap the bitch in the mouth (not advocating violence or abuse hehehe). so whats the RIGHT way to put a bitchy woman in her PLACE like a MAN? cuz they LIKE a strong man who can put them in their PLACE! i imagine you cant get too MAD because that means youre losing control.  uhhh you treat them like they are the bratty sister. you can’t be like the stern father because the father CARES too much. it MATTERS too much to him.

do you just say shut the fook up bitch, you dont talk to me like that. yes. say that, but say it with kind of a smirk.

so if i had done that, been assertive, she would have chose me?

if i had STOOD UP to her BULLSHIT, the woman of muh dreams wouldnt have LEFT me?

i MADE her leave me because i was weak?!?!?!

i KNOW women HATE weak doormat men. but i still dont think I  MADE her.

but i sure wont be such a damn DOORMAT again and will handle SHIT TESTS better. be like stop this bullshit bitch, you dont treat me like that, you little brat. then give them a good spanking and then a good pounding.

if good fathers make faithful daughters, it only makes sense that bad father make UNfaithful daughters. IN GENERAL. she had a bad father. she hated cheating and she had never cheated…..but was she FAITHFUL to me, in the sense of being LOYAL? in the sense of being there for me, not abandoning me? shit NO! could I ever TRUST her again after this? FOOK NO!!! this is not cheating or betrayal….but it DOES destroy trust. and its kinda like a quasi-betrayal.

june 26

note, the dark tranquillity damage done album is a good bit heavier than the above projector album, and damage done is a great example of what insomnium seems to be aiming for…..but falls woefully short.

projector has more clean singing and is not AS heavy….but it is still great with great songs. classic songs.

maybe im confusing insomnium with omnium gatherum. maybe that is supposed to be the good one.

applied to 3 jobs on a sunday hahaha. if i want to get up to 100 jobs a month and not a mere 60, got to shoot for 3 jobs every day.

another thing i am going is grading/ranking each job posting with a grade, a, b, or c, as i bookmark it. it is a quick decision. then put a b c and any other notes in the title of the book mark

so i can quickly identify the jobs from that list that i really want to apply for, and do those first

had soem kind of weird nightmare last night that i had to force myself awake from

would still totally bang and date that woman, want to bang her more than i want to bang any other woman, she is still the secsiest woman in the world.

OBVIOUSLY i try to destroy these thoughts. because I will NEVER bang her, and many other guys will / are. get that big white ass bending over for their coch o god. TOO MUCH. and she cant even RESPOND to me. because i am a WEAK, supplicating, doormat who women hate. they disrespect this even MORE than I, the worlds biggest slut-hater, hate sluts!!!!!!

i honestly want to bang her more than some beautiful 20 year old gurl. that woman and her weird face and weak chin and 25 year old body. this is what True Luv does. Makes you want to bang this one woman, above all other women, even objectively hotter ones, for a solid YEAR after you never see them again.

you havent seen them for a year, yet you still luv them and find them hawtter than some 20 year old aryan goddess in a wheat field. this is the bond, attachment, addiction of true luv!

well at least i applied to 4 jobs on a sunday, while my competition is…..working 7 days a week hahahaha. really i have a work ethic that is WELL below average. Why do I think I deserve to make the AVERAGE wage of 14 dollars an hour?

i guess a good way to respond to shit test is to do the “suck it” “crotch chop” saying that you couldnt take the person LESS seriously. but what if it IS a serious issue? tell them to SUCK IT anyway. because you dont take them seriously. if they leave you you dont care, you have a STABLE of BETTER women. women who are THINNER, YOUNGER, PRETTIER, and DRESS better. make fun of her WEIGHT and her CLOTHES.

i was always nice to EVERYONE.  i didnt learn until i was like 21+ that being nice to women doesnt work. I had my suspicions but I still grew up treating EVERYONE nice. then wondered why women didnt like me hahahaha. i had to unlearn what i had learned in other words, get out of my comfort zone, and LEARN/practice how to treat women like shit, hahahahaha. i still have a long ways to go! because i could not be more single and lonely hahahaa.

TREAT EM LIKE THE PIGS THEY ARE!!!!!!

they just HAD to be with 4 or men before they were married, because SECS IS FUN!!!!!! #YOLOLOLOLOL

because you dont HAVE to get preggers because BIRTH CONTROL.

this is the way they think. muh dick. muh tingles. muh cl1ts. muh multiple orgasms, multiple partners.

fooking ingras.

why is the one with the super K-selected BODY so r-selected in MIND?

why is the one with such a HUHWHYTE body so INGRISH in mind?

well, theyre not like INGRAS per se, more like CHILDREN.

and ingras are kinda like children too.

ok will go for a 4.44 and listen to DARK TRANQUILLITY. hell i would rather give the newer dark tranquillity albums (we are the void, construct) a try than listen to that totes boring insomnium again. i mean i guess their hearts are in the right place, but why would you devote so much time and effort of your free time to making such boring music? better to stay at WORK, make MONEY, and have some more damn finnish CHILDREN guys. Just retire now and have more KIDS. you are getting a TERRIBLE return on investment for investing your time and effort in a BAND. most bands are like this. men who work hard and then they sacrifice their PRECIOUS free time to make mediocre music nobody likes. NO JUST NO. hang it up and just have CHILDREN instead.

a mediocre white CHILD is 900000000000000000000000000 times better than a mediocre white band. 

accepted a linkedin invite from a Bliggity Black Sales Rep I have never met.

really. being in a band is SUCH a time committment. here you are, an adult man making 20 dollars an hour, working 50 hours a week, and now you’re gonna commit at LEAST 4 hours a week to this BAND and musical stuff? if not 8? coordinating the efforts of 3 or 4 or 5 working men to meet After Work, Practice, Rehearse, etc. being in a band is not worth it unless you are a total loser at life AND are VERY talented musically.

i mean most guys in bands are making 20 dollars an hour at least as skilled tradesmen. not making minimum wage like mcdonalds ingras and neets.

so focus on making children and you will be a better FATHER than you are a MUSICIAN. MUSIC SUCKS.

did a 4.44 miler, should have done a 5 miler

it doesnt really matter that i was a weak pussy who didnt stand up to her. that STILL doesnt give her the right, still doesnt mean she’s RIGHT, still doesnt mean i deserved this, OR made her do this, OR brought this all on myself. it is OBJECTIVELY, ABSOLUTELY IMMORAL to throw away someone when you KNOW them.

it’s still immoral to treat someone you DONT know like garbage…..but it sorta makes more sense. people who barely know each other fook each other and throw each other away all the time. its HARDER to throw someone you actually KNOW away. you have more of a CONSCIENCE about it. and RIGHTFULLY SO! AS YOU SHOULD.

its almost more acceptable, less immoral, if you dont really know the person. but when you DO know the person. WOW. it takes extreme coldness to be able to do that to them.

like i could see myself pumping and dumping some slut now, just treating her like garbage and throwing her away, using her as fook meat, and then ignoring her forever……but NOT IF I KNEW HER!!!!!!!

just a crazy degen slut you meet, quickly fook, fook them a few times, realize they’re too crazy and you dont want to fook them any more, so you just ignore, avoid, block and Ghost them. but you never really KNEW them. you never really LIKED them. you werent REAL FRIENDS with them for ALMOST THREE YEARS. lucky if three weeks.

blockchain sets the same transaction fee whether you send 50 cents or 50 dollars. stupid. i assumed it would be a fixed percentage of the amount you wanted to send. apparently not.

 

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

NEETSPLAINING TO NORMIES

april 15

shit. paying 5 dollars to get an “OFFICIAL” pdf transcript of my 70 credits at community college. well, it looks better than an unofficial transcript. hopefully has the Solemn Seal of the Esteemed, Reputable college hahahaha. no the college is fine. it has produced many successful winners who make way more money and have way more kids than me hahahaha. shit. like That Woman. shit. i cant believe she’s even capable of a 5 year intimate relationship with a man hahaha.

fookin NORMIES dont seem to understand LUV. when you get your heart broken, you wail and moan and feel like you’re the only one who has experienced this. But you’re really not. everybody has.

but i wonder: is that true?? I really DONT think many normies experience both love this deep, and heartbreak this deep. They get over it in a couple months at most, more like a couple weeks!

within a few months at longest, they are FOOKING new people!!!!!!

dont be so god damn quick to jump into bed with new people like an easy slut!

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!

CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!!!

CASUAL SEX IS VERY BAD!!!!

The only normies who can understand are those whose Beloved Wife DIES, and they are like Welp, that is it, the love of my life is gone and she can’t be replaced. I dont even WANT to be with anyone else. Sometimes they get married again YEARS later. but for YEARS they aren’t even REMOTELY INTERESTED in trying to find anyone else.

I was watching hunt for red october which is an ok movie, and liked the high pressure situations where they were seconds away from death and waiting on the order of a possibly crazy captain, who never ever explained the crazy shit he was doing. so people would get FLUSTERED and say CAPTAIN do you REALIZE what youre DOING, and he would sit there like a stone for a few more seconds, then bark out an order.

well, in this case, the crew was not trying to explain weird inexplicable shit to End Users, and also their captain was right there telling them exactly what to do, taking ownership and responsibility, even if he gave no explanation.

but I was trying to make sense of shit too. like WHY CAN’T the sub see another sub that is following directly behind it? but the sub in back can see the one in front?

don’t they have radar as well as sonar? that can see a big metal ship in any direction?

how do torpedoes home in on whatever? they can seek a large object…..even if its not the sub they intended to hit. and you can accidentally blow yourself up. is this actually possible or just a tom clancy fantasy?

what is the chain of command here? who is in the loop and who is not? what if someone makes a clerical error hahahahaha.

how high do you have to be in the CIA to override orders by a ships captain? who’s the most powerful highest up person here?

this might be a problem with tom clancy. just throwing in confusing details without explaining anything, without even really caring.

the movie is great in parts and has a ridiculously strong cast, sam neill, tim damn curry, even a young stellan skarsgard!! but it has other parts that fail to impress the mature man of the world. like theyre just jerking off and bullshitting here.

the implication is that the russians are speaking russian the whole time. this is why they start out speaking russian and then after about 10 minutes they start speaking english. i never understood that when I was young. But it makes sense now that I am older. and I found it pretty reasonable unlike other parts of the movie.

i guess if  ever get a call for an interview I will go to damn thrift store and look for a somewhat presentable jacket. the one I have now isn’t BAD…..I just feel like its a bad luck charm. it is dark gray and I would prefer blue or lighter gray. also I should get a different tie.

5 dollars for a damn pdf. well at least I dont have to do that again. this is because a City Govt requested proof of associates degree or higher for blabla program assistant job. today I learned you can have OFFICIAL transcripts as a pdf. not just unofficial. So now I have OFFICIAL pdfs of all my transcripts for future use. That is a good thing.

I hope I didnt scare the mutual friend too much with my long email. I will not send any more long emails! But I did want to VENT to them and tell them the full story, and I believe I have. I mean its not a short story!

http://mentalfloss.com/article/64931/14-deep-facts-about-hunt-red-october

interesting but I’m looking for something a bit more critical and sense-making

http://www.moviemistakes.com/film636

pretty in depth and probably would have mentioned a severe technical error. didnt mention anything I was expecting. maybe the movie is pretty factual.

but why the fook couldnt sonar or radar see or hear a sub behind you? all the crazy ivans? why? when CAN you see or hear a sub in your area? within how many degrees of being At Your 6? what if they are at your 7????? can you see them then????

this has to be a Known Issue, otherwise, in my uneducated opinion, that page would mentioned it. I mean tom clancy SHOULD know, and the navy people they consulted with, but I dont trust them to reveal basic knowledge about subs that would not be obvious at all for the layman. cuz thats whats so obvious to me. i might have missed a line in the movie. I came in about 20 minutes in and my mind was wandering and the commercials were excruciating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baffles_(submarine)

heheheh I finally found the article I was looking for. It only took 2 hours. well I probably could have done it in 20 minutes if I werent multitasking hahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar

read, understand, and now fix the sonar technician’s sonar problem. don’t ask me for help. figure it out. that’s your job. hahahaha. fix it quickly. get him off the phone. we have more people like him to service.

i am just mad HER and other normies can handle their jobs without breaking down. fooking normies. they make the difficult look so damn easy. then i get resentful because they “dont want to help me, dont want to share their secret information, they keep it in their normie clique.”

we used to be on the same team! I used to be able to trust you!!!! you changed more than I did!!!! hahahaha

and THIS is the woman I got along with better than any other woman ever. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

yeah they tell you theres no such thing as a stupid question……..

but in the WORKING world, EVERY question you have related to your job is a stupid question, or at least an annoying and wasteful question which is slowing down your whole department. so DONT MAKE MISTAKES, and DONT ASK QUESTIONS, MORON.

well how do I figure out how to do my job then?

ITS CALLED INITIATIVE. SHOW SOME. FIGURE IT OUT. you said you were a go getter and self-starter. prove it.

when I was young I never even imagined this aspect of jobs. I thought jobs were simply long and boring at their worst. boy was I wrong! I never knew how uncertainty and doubt and confusion could destroy your mind even worse! combined with pressure to do things FAST, do things RIGHT, and explain this, and deliver this unexplainable bad news, with no help.

Drowning. not only is drowning bad, but its SCARY as fook!!!!!! it MORE that just SUCKS! its TERRIFYING as well!!!

I wish I was able to deal with that terror!

tried doing 3 miles straight of slow jogging yesterday. was able to do it and could prob do more. did not feel totally worn out and tired. although i slept pretty good. i dont think it would be enough to clear the mind after a hard days work though.  need higher speed or longer distance. I would rather do longer distance. might have to try 4 miles hahahaha. definitely got past my plateau and am continuing to lose weight tho, so thats good. have lost 17.6 pounds since jan 1.  18 pounds in…..16 weeks hahahaha.

when you love someone and want to spend a long time monogamously with them, its disgusting and infuriating to know they are being a SLUT with other men, giving dat pvssy up to many other men, quickly and easily, when she had no attraction to you whatsoever, and wouldnt give it to you if you paid her 1000000 dollars.

why cant normies understand this. i always have to NEETSPLAIN everything to normies hahaha.

its not that hard! i cant believe normies dont get this! just like I cant believe women constantly need such mansplaining! i wish i didnt HAVE to mansplain or neetsplain! this is EASY MODE common sense! not even the harder common sense, but actual common common COMMON sense!!!!!

women can get pregnant, men can’t!!!!

having your heart broken hurts a LOT for a LONG time and takes a LONG time to get over and you shouldnt FOOK other people during that time of grief and processing!!!

what I wanted to say is that when you LUV someone, it’s FUN to be with them. Being with them motivates you. It’s more than hedonistic sensualist fun, it’s good clean wholesome god-loving innocent loving fun.

It may be kinda fun to hang out with friends. but its REALLY REALLY fun to hang out with the person you LUV. you get REALLY EXCITED about it. You can have a bad day and they walk in and its a ray of sunshine and you forget all your worries.

thats something your regular friends can’t accomplish.

its REALLY HARD to install the SPELLCHECKER for Notepad++.

I luv notepad++ because obviously plain txt files are best ways to type and create stuff. then you just copy and paste them to word or pdfs or wherever. it is a small fast program and you can open 50 documents at once in tabs, which is YUGE.  but I would LUV for it to have a spellcheck. it does have a plugin, but its fookin impossible to install. because you have install other GNU plugins and shit that only Computer Science Engineers know how to do.  I mean the average woman making 15 DAH, this is gonna be WAY over their head. Shit I need somebody to mansplain it to me.

i needed somebody to mansplain the stupid articles at my job!

thats all it was. you know how technical manuals are never written in plain english and are frustrating as fook? often missing information? giving no understanding of the process? well that was our main resource on fixing problems. read this fooking confusing, incomplete bullshit, understand it, and use it to fix their weird shit.

I say just make mistakes. make mistakes until they fooking FIRE you.

protip: some people make mistakes ALL THE TIME and DONT get fired. If you keep a somewhat decent attitude, you can make 1000000000 mistakes a day and not get fired. just have to find a way to live with being scolded all the time for your mistakes. oh well. dont take it personally.

IF YOURE NOT GETTING OFFICIALLY WRITTEN UP…………….IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!

and then companies will have very clear policies. like three official write ups equals termination or something.  and they will TELL you when you are getting written up. They will GIVE you a letter. There is lots of ambiguity in the world, but not on that.  when you get an official warning, you will know it.

if you don’t, well the company doesnt deserve you then. fook them. quit that shit without a new job lined up hahaha.

I never got officially written up. But I saw other people getting official write ups. I went in to use the printer and there was write ups for people which the manager forgot to pick up, hahaha. im just grateful i didnt get written up for printing work related stuff , but which was a non-actionable non deliverable hahaha. It was not a directly cost cutting related printout in other words.

Shit I’ll buy my own REAMS of paper if they’d let me. I bought my own pens and notepads and post it notes! whereas NORMIES STEAL that shit from the office and bring them HOME! I bought my OWN at the store and brought them TO the office! Sometimes I GAVE other people post it notes!!!! I gave HER post it notes all the time!!!!!

applied for 4 county jobs. I am lucky they even HAD 4 full time jobs OPEN! but the county is a large employer of the county’s residents. like 1000 employees!!!!! one of the few places where you can get a 14 DAH entry level job with health care and 401k!

Us millennials think a 401 k is so great, when the god damn baby boomers were getting PENSIONS!!!!!!!!! hahaha.

also 401k’s are SHITTY. In a financial emergency, your 401k will DISAPPEAR. I almost wonder if its SAFER to put your money in a regular savings account and make .00000001% interest. Rather than risk THE WHOLE THING to get like 3% a year.  I mean its not like we’re not headed for collapse!!!!!

it seems kinda STUPID to use a 401k! the WHOLE THING could be wiped out!

so what’s the smart alternative?

physical gold which you guard at home with many gunz, of coursh!!!!!

many sons and lots of guns, hahahaha. your sons can guard your gold with guns while you are off prostituting yourself for the god damn j00z, hahahahaha.

oh wewlad i got an appointment to take the damn post office test already. I applied for a city carrier Position (just call them JOBS.wav) and then quickly got an email to take a test! usually the test is all full up. i never took the actual test before. anyway they had an online portion i could take right now and had to take within 3 days. took that right away. 150 questions, 90 minutes to complete. bunch of personality shit. the psi inc company.

i was dishonest and distorted even though it said doing that would not be in my best interest.

hahahaha watch they stick me in the most stressful job because my test results said I LOVE stress. well then Ill just quit again hahahaha.

i wonder if blacks handle job stress better than whites. the blacks will just say fug u mufugga bix nood and be surly and shitty, while whites get flustered and crazy and Worried. whites really want to do a good job, blacks dont care, and will do shoddy quality if it means not worrying. don worry be happy mon.

but yeah. damn. my life was better with her in it. she added a lot of positives to my life. she was a lot of fun and she built me up and made me strong just by being around.  well when she became distant, then being around her made me weak and worried and weak. and overall she was a net negative and i wish i never met her…..because she did add so much “value.” YUGE value-add with her. and her leaving has left a YUGE void which I don’t know how to fill. well i have to learn how to live with the void. love the void hahaha.

normally the person doing the dumping also gives SYMPATHY to the person they’re dumping.

to be dumped with no sympathy is ROUGH. it would hurt a NORMIE, and devastate a low confidence neet loser! also also make you think you did something TERRIBLE to be treated that way!

but she was set up to fail, she had no father to teach her how to dump a guy.

but mothers can do that do! her single mother was actually pretty good and taught her how to be a nice gurl and not a huge slut.

yeah well she didnt teach her how to dump a guy hahahahaha.

ps i got the notepad++ spellchecker working using the following method:

https://notepad-plus-plus.org/community/topic/6966/spell-checker-plugin-issue-with-v6-8-1-missing-gnu-aspell-and-or-dictionaries/2

KEEP YOUR PVSSY IN YOUR PANTS, SLUT!!!!

YOU CAN GET PREGNANT, MORON!!!!!

SEX ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE CASUAL!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT FOR WOMEN!!!!!!

sorry sometimes I just have to explode with butthurt mansplaining.

but not all mansplaining is butthurt. men LIKE feeling smart. maybe women PLAY DUMB to stroke mens ego, to make them feel smart.

or they play dumb to see how dumb the man thinks they are.

god damn dumb btich. ever think its part of the provider and protector role? that its similar to the chivalrous good feels men get from helping or protecting women? similar thing with mansplaining. its BENEVOLENT in other words. benign.

i guess sometimes its less benign. lets say its 66 good and 33 bad.

i mean ive done both. I felt good and strong and kind when I sometimes mansplained things to That Woman. other times I was frustrated like you fooking MORON how can you BE so Dense!!!!!! I’m not a fookin GENIUS, how dumb are YOU?

also its stupid that women PLAY DUMB just to break your balls and shit test you like that. they’re TRYING To make you mad. they dont LIKE to make you mad, and it sure doesnt turn them on or like you more! its a shit test! they’re trying to make you mad, so if you get mad, they can reject you!

therefore, since mansplaining can be good or bad depending on the situation, so can women playing dumb be good or bad. sometimes they do it to invite good mansplaining to make you feel strong. that means they like you. sometimes they play dumb to shit test you and if you mansplain angrily then you fail the test and the poosy SNAPS SHUT. and they will never admit to this because they’re not even aware of it. they honestly dont think its true. their own natures are hidden to themselves. this is adaptive for some reason. probably similar to how other things like Ovulation and The Womb are CONCEALED. Its just a by product of the uterus and the power it holds. you cant hate them for it.

but you CAN get sad then they dump you brutally, because because dumped brutally hurts INHERENTLY, i dont care WHO you are.

 

 

 

 

I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND U CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF

apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong…..you are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings…..you can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Reply2
Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Reply5
Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:

2016-04-13_19h06_48

If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.

I NEVER SAID “IM INSANELY IN LUV WITH YOU, LETS GET MARRIED, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!”

I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.

END

yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalvarez/kk-bb#.cjZmLvbvp

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/ironic-misogyny-is-a-very-dangerous-game#.xcWJwPrPV

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

https://blogs.office.com/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-email/#8Lfd5AleLEqHDxEH.97

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.

BETRAYAL BAROMETER

0127

weird dreams r us last night. well at least they did not include That Woman.

the more interesting one featured a woman from Uni i started having random dreams about a few years ago, indicating that i should have pursued her when i had the chance, but i was too distracted on other women and other issues. and here was a cute fun woman just a little outside my immediate circle. she was very cute and didnt hate me and i was favorable to her and at that time she wasnt a huge slut yet hahahaha. she was one of those that started taking all the cox AFTER college. yes there are some women like that. survive college without getting on the cok carousel but then the postcollege world is brutal. well i can udnerstand that. at best, your dreams are shattered, you are 50k in debt, you are working all the time and lose all of your friends because you have no time, so the best you can hope for is casual sex with strangers in bars and tinder and match and random acquaintances, and hope the casual sex turns into something greater…..but it usually doesnt. then back to work for you and you are fooking some person you dont even know. this is the best case scenario: assuming you can get and keep a decent job after college. well, assuming you dont say fook this shit and go to grad skool hahahaha. which she did not do. and i kinda liked that cuz i was sick of EVERYONE but me going to grad skool. but she got a gainful job so im jelly about that. and she might go to grad school at age 30. one of THOSE.  as in, give up your decent job entirely to go to a full time, well recognized grad program and reinvent yourself kind of thing. i dunno. i quit faceberg and dont plan ot go back haha.

anyway i would still date her now even though she is 30 and has probably been with….well at LEAST 10+ guys. i liked her cuz she was super cute, and also nice and friendly and not bitchy, but also kinda shy. she stuck with her female friends and didnt have 900000000000000000000000000 guy friends.

ANYWAY in the dream i was supposed to “pick her up from school and take her home” but instead she stayed with me and was showing intense interest in me. jumping all over me and wanting to get fooked NOW. getting ecstatic over ME.

that was nice because i wasnt used to that and she was very attractive and i liked her….but it was also a red flag. it seemed way too soon and quick for her to do this. this might not be real or long lasting. if she could do that with me, she could do it with 9000000 other guys. to go from 0 to 60 like that. i dont TRUST it. its nice getting the attention in the moment, but you fear rightfully that its not gonna last. meanwhile youre getting feelings while she’s LOSING INTEREST and moving on the next guy. its bipolar. woman2004 aka woman2 was like this.

this is why i think its wrong to have secs too early: before you KNOW a person, before you LIKE a person. and that takes TIME. it takes at least 6 months. and when THE RULE is to have secs on the THIRD DATE???!?!?!?!?! what a horrible rule. assuming one date per week, you should not be having secs before the TWENTY FOURTH DATE, at LEAST!!!!!!!

and then she in the dream was like, you dont have to take me home, i wanna spend the night with you. yay that means lots of cuddles with the secs i thought, but i was supposed to take her home, where the premise was, she lived with her family hahahaha. i said wont your family care about you spending the night with some guy you and they dont really know? and she said no thats fine. not a problem. either she was gonna lie or they just didnt care their daughter was a slut. WELL THEY SHOULD! I WOULD!!!!

ANYWAY as it turned out, the whole thing was a trick to get lonely beta males desperate for female attention, then ensnare them into a weird Vampire Zombie Undead Cult Army. the cute secsy succubus pulls you in, then turns you over to the zombie hordes, where you get essentially tortured and made into a monster hahahaha.

GEE I WONDER WHAT THIS DREAM MEANS hahahaha in terms of how i feel about WOMEN.

but it was presented as kind of a Cute Edgy Funny Entertaining Teen Young Adult Movie. possibly like army of darkness mixed with zombieland mixed with i dunno, twilight or john green.

vapaudenristis 2012 demo is also very good hahaha. very heavy guitar sound but just as catchy and high energy as ever. it makes some of his other projects look a bit low energy by comparison! i like this raw in your face masculine energy and emotion. i guess that is the point of RAC and i am very happy this guy is/has been doing RAC.

anyway the dream. yeah thats about it. this particular woman didnt seem much like that, rather woman2 did.

but it is very powerful when a young cute gurl is showing intense interest in you. smiling at you, enjoying every stupid thing you say, just WANTING you. i just wish it hadnt gone from 0 to 100 so fast. just slowly ramped up and lasted a long time. start with hanging out and smiling. slowly move to cuddling and touching and making out. then slowly move to secs. is that too much to ask? yes, yes it absolutely is hahahaha.

had another dream before that. i had snuck into some luxury resort hotel, poolside, and there was some weird massage chair where robot hands gave you a massage. i started doing that and noticed there was a gurl sitting there watching me. she wasnt particularly supercute but she was young, early 20s, which at my age is really all you need. she was slightly flabby and cow looking and certainly would not look any better than she did now. but even chubby girls can be cute if they are young. she made some kinda of joke to me that was actually funny and witty and smart, but she had a voice like a deaf person that was not hot at all. she was wearing a bathing suit and began coyly showing me her genitalia.

i said something degenerate like you have a real nice pvssy, i wanna get a closer look at it, and then she started s’ing muh d, and then the dream was over 1 second later.

well better to have these degen dreams than to think about HER. or also prono. i guess i could use my image of that first mentioned woman to help me try to get over THAT woman. in that, heres another real life woman i am attracted to and who had real rel potential. who i actually sorta knew at one time 10 years ago and who was friendly to me. that is very important too hahaha.

obsessed with women hahahaha.

but i hate the thought that people have no obligations to each other, you can do whatever you want, and nothings right or wrong. plus the jury of women in my head which says, what she did wasnt that bad, and you have no right to be upset, woman hater. stop trying to control her reaction. she can do whatever she wants.

i dunno i just want some SYMPATHY. when i tell this story to a future woman i want her to side with me and say yeah that sucks, she should have been more courteous to you.

just show me some sympathy and warmth and kindness. dont tell me, yeah it sucks but life isnt fair. friends and lovers are supposed to be NICE to you. thats one of the obligations of being a friend or lover hahahaha. that you sympathize with your friend over some random stranger.

https://soundcloud.com/deathtoposersradio/2512016-dtp-radio-show-pt3?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

new vapaudenristi song on some finnish metal radio show. i assume its new, i havent heard it before. it sounds good. this guy can literally do no wrong whatsoever.

how do you know when something is betrayal? i say its not betrayal. she says it IS. only one of those answers can be correct.

well the answer is, her BETRAYAL BAROMETER was calibrated extremely LOW due to a recent betrayal. therefore she was extra sensitive to betrayal now, and somebody having a small disagreement with her would be paranoidly interpreted as ghastly BETRAYAL.

ok now my ears and brain and heart are ready for the new clandestine blaze album. i wasnt ready for it when it came out. now after listening to tonnes of vapaudenristi, the CB sounds great. sounds more high energy than all other CB. more rocking, more energy, more immediate, very hateful. as if the V is bleeding over into the CB. FINE BY ME!!!!

i dont even know how he has TIME for CB anyway. he even uses Roaring Shouty V style vokals on at least one song here.

what im saying is i wonder if his work in V is making his work in CB even BETTER.

also what im saying is if he had to focus on one project from now, i would suggest V. because what they stand for is so important. the future of EUROPE and its PEOPLE hehehehe. it is for V that people call him a racist and a nazi. because being a NATIONALIST is the WORST THING EVER. protecting your country from saracen invaders raping your women, you cant do that!

anyway he produces so much music that it is hard to keep up with it all. but when this CB album came out in first half of 2015 (pre my life falling apart) i just wasnt ready for it. now i am, and i sounds like the freshest CB material ive ever heard, possibly the best.  Peak CB. highly recommended for metal fans and nationalists.

shit i am thinking of just writing this guy a long fan email already. be like i am your biggest fan and never stop doing what you do. and if i had to buy something from your store right now it would pref be a vapaudenristi shirt so make a bunch more of those hahahaha. ideally i would meet you in person and we could have a long talk about Nationalism; and also a Long Talk about Degeneracy and how it relates to what you did in some of your more degenerate projects (Nicole 12, and back in the day he even made some “fetish videos”. but i honestly think those days are behind him now. i hope.)

“consent carnival” at USC with college money going towards educating college students on what exactly is consent, and how to get it. obviously CONSENT has been a big deal lately, with the Marxist Implication being: all men are rapists, you have to teach men not to rape, men dont know what consent is, there is an epidemic of rape on college campuses hahahaha.

with the less political suggestion that NO ONE, men or women, knows what consent really is, and that men and women dont know how to communicate with each other any more.

no means yes and yes means anal hahahahahahahahahaha

and women like when manly men push through their last minute resistance and TAKE them hahahaha.

hey i have no idea what consent is any more, having not had secs in 11+ years and reading all this stupid news and feminism stuff.

BUT its ESSENTIAL to remember, that when i DID have secs 11 years ago………….the consent was super obvious. she was practically BEGGING for my cok hahahaha. if anything the consent was coerced on MY side because i was nervous as fook and felt we were rushing into it. i wanted to take it slower, it all seemed so fast and hurried and unchill. but i went ahead and did it cuz i felt, well ive been wanting to do this forever, who knows when i’ll get another chance, its now or never. and it literally was! cuz there was a huge drought before that and a huge drought after that!

but as far as the actual CONSENT, there was NO ambiguity there. the actual consent was the least of my worries.

so i didnt have the consent problem all these college kids seem to be having as reported by the ((((((media))))). me, who just doesnt get along with women, women hate me to my very soul, every fiber of my being is repulsive to them, and i cant communicate with them and they cant communicate with me. everything is a goddamn ambiguous signal. except when it comes to actual secs. there was no doubt about it. enthusiastic consent was given at every second.

https://archive.is/hp6mY

related: this shit from attn dot com, a leftist shit site. tries to use COMICS to WIMMINSPLAIN to men the Complexities of Consent and how men think all this shit is consent but its really RAEP cuz men are such stupid evil rapey barbarians. RAPEY.

https://archive.is/Rz7DC

ok this one has the actual comic pictures i was talking about. this is how STUPID and EVIL they think MEN are.

oh secs is EASY. its maintaining an actual RELSHIP and talking about FEELINGS thats hard.

no wonder bitches are so good at having casual secs and so bad at having relships hahahaha.

went WAY over calorie budget yesterday. felt bad about that. and i didnt even REALLY gorge myself. and i still went WAY over. like 800 over. jesus christ. eating at night. and then a “dessert” of pastry on top of that!!!!!! come on!!!!

i just ate some chikun wangs! whats so bad about that? a lot actually. chikun wangs, pizza, pastries, donuts, its all bad.

anyway i say its not betrayal, she is, only one of us can be right.

well its betrayal if the person feeling betrayed says its betrayal.

i DONT GET TO SAY, yeah but youre wrong, its not a real betrayal because i didnt MEAN to betray you. or it didnt meet these official criteria of betrayal. if the betrayee FEELS betrayed, then its betrayal, and i should feel bad.

but again my response is, she was just WAY too sensitive and we could have figured this all out with a Talk.

but COULD we have? 50% NO! we could have sat down for a talk and she could have been just like a damn brick wall like she was, and STILL refused to listen or understand or try to see my point of view!

and the last thing someone who feels betrayed wants to do is talk with their would be BETRAYER about the situation!

i dunno i have never REALLY felt THAT betrayed by a person before. i have felt severely disappointed, left in the lurch, not given a change, but real stick the knife in betrayed? not really. i dont even feel betrayed by HER here! just very very disappointed.

maybe if she just said, no i dont think you BETRAYED me,  i just cant handle this, but youre not a bad guy, you didnt BETRAY me, then i would feel a lot better.

i dont LIKE when somebody forever thinks i betrayed them!!!!!!

im not the kind of guy who betrays people!!!!

but i get along SO BADLY with WOMEN, that i BETRAY them without even THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

THAT is the kind of automatic negative thoughts i need to fight off all day.

its just real shitty. she was primed and paranoid to think EVERYTHING was betrayal. nothing i can do about that.

but i really didnt want to hurt her. i luved her! and when i luv someone, i dont do things that will HURT them!

basically somebody you luv saying you did something very wrong to them, and they hate you for it, and its NOT WHAT THEY THINK!!!! but they refuse to listen to your very sensible reasonable explanation, and hate you forever for it. its hard to just sit there and accept but thats ALL you can do.

i just hate being accused of something very bad, that i didnt really do. but i sort of did! i mean shes not misinterpreting what happened, shes misinterpreting the meaning of it, if that makes any sense.

well she COULD be misinterpreting what happened, IF she thinks i had Dual Intent, and False Pretenses ALL ALONG. then she would be even MORE WRONG. which would kinda be good, as it would more convincingly convince myself that i did not do something horrible.

but yeah when you get thrown away its very dehumanizing. you feel like you dont matter as a person. your voice and opinion and perspective dont matter. you werent even good enough to be HEARD, to be LISTENED to. they just wanted to get rid of you and not hear you bitch and moan and complain. its almost like being ASSASSINATED, or K’ed by a HIT MAN. just dispose of this toxic waste. but youre not dead. youre still alive.

it is a REAL mindfook to be disposed of like this and i wish the jury of judgmental women in my head would agree with that and show me a little SYMPATHY and say ITS WRONG TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

not, WELLLLLLL, what YOU did was bad too, and nobodys entitled to anything, and she doesnt HAVE to show you courtesy, esp when YOU were no angel either.

yes i fooked up but i didnt fook up THAT bad to deserve THAT. i want people to agree with me on the difference in magnitude as well hahahahaha. realize this was a complicated situation. i was TRYING to not lie to her. i was giving her signals because i couldnt HIDE it.

well im the bad guy because i NEEDED TO SAY IT. i couldnt just realize that she was taking my hints, and giving me a solid hint of her own: i dont want this,  i dont like you. and i could have LEFT IT AT THAT. but i DIDNT. i had to SAY it. so in some? many? womens eyes that DOES make me a bad guy, doing a creepy feelings dump, saying something HORRIBLY awkward when its OBVIOUS it doesnt NEED to be said.

well i disrespectfully disagree with that opinion. some of us just need to say the words.

also in many situations like this, a man falling in luv with female friend, THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER and have a CHANCE to talk about it, or at least SIGNAL to each other with more clarity. i was going crazy that she WOULDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME ANYMORE and instead of just saying no, would give me excuse after excuse, saying well hang out later. and stupid me i beleived that, becuase i wanted it to be true!

went to Gym and burned 867 calories. angry at everything. starving but since i went SO far overboard yesterday,  i gotta budget today. well, not really. looking at other days i can see i have PROBABLY ALREADY made up for it.

BUT since i am PLANNING on eating at muh social gaym later, i gotta prepare for that. so why be mad about that? because i am very hungry now? most of the world is hungry! whenever i get hungry, i try to tell myself, thats GOOD, get USED to it, it is because i have eaten too much that i too much weight and fat on my body, so i have to be HUNGRY a little bit in order to lose that weight.

i am not autistic as i seem hahaha.

i am also more concerned about muh job situation than it seems from this writing. i just PREFER writing about the woman situation.

basically its an illustration of how bad communication can result in a TOTAL CLUSTERFOOK.

we talked about stuff. we just didnt talk about the stuff that MATTERED. because i was too SCARED, and she was too…unneccessary. pointless. nothing she could gain from it. just pure awkwardness. no REASON to talk or communicate. she had nothing to say. she didnt have feelings for me. why couldnt i see that. shes not giving me any positive signals. why couldnt i just take the hint. well because i didnt want to take the hint, i was in denial. but is that so goddamn evil and betraying? of COURSE i was in denial, i was in TRUE LUV!!! i wanted to believe there was a CHANCE! yeah its stupid and embarrassing and naive but is it treacherous, treasonous, lying, betraying? i dont think so. but again only she gets to determine when her trust is betrayed or not.

so now im a bad guy; betraying trust and hurting people without even being aware; AND being heartbroken in the worst possible way.

so yeah its another one of the blame myself days.

other days i blame her.

shift between hating self and hating her!

well if the roles were reversed….if a female friend was in one sided luv with me…i would feel BAD that i didnt return her feelings! i would say im sorry and MEAN it! not HATE them for it! i would ALREADY be hurting them enough from not liking them back!

anyway i hate being shitty to people. so it sucks to think i can hurt somebody without knowing it. i mean not many people are close enough to me to hurt them!

did i really HURT her though?!?!?!?! ill never know. maybe she doesnt even feel betrayed. she was just disgusted and annoyed. but not betrayed. or maybe she felt bad! i’ll NEVER KNOW!!!11111!!!!!!!

SELF SOOTHING hehehehe. EVERYTHING i used to do this became a bad habit: pr0nography. alcohol. MJ. FOOD. you eat FOOD to self soothe. then you gain weight and become a fatass.

what about jerking off without using pornography? to women that are not going to destroy your spirit? still a slippery slope and kinda degenerate.

better to PRAY.

and to LIFT. or exercise.

so lemme get thsi straight. if she THINKS i did something wrong…..then i did something wrong??? WELL I THINK SHE DID SOMETHING SUPER WRONG!!!!!11

maybe reddit relationships will have the answer i am looking for hahahaha. nope. nothing will have the answer im looking for. i have been thinking of just POSTING on these forums already.

 

WASNT MEANT TO BE / IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

917

no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup”  learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.

DONT DO THAT!

ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.

 

PAYOFF MATRIX

916

hehehe it comes in waves. this is all so stupid. well it does make sense, i am very devastated because the Luv Was Real. because I Knew Her, THEN the Luv came on. with the other broads, i was truly in luv with a fantasy. you start off with immediate infatuation, always bargaining with them for time, hangouts, and the secs which is the only currency they understand, trying to be a macho man, then 3 months later or less they dump you and it hurts a lot, but really you NEVER KNEW THEM. they were in and out of your life in 3 months. you wanted to know them but you never really knew them. this is how modern women have sexual relationshits hahahaha.

well with her i thought i really KNEW her, from two years of issue free friendship. when i first met her i was getting over another woman, i couldnt even have feelings for anybody else for a while, i was in a hateful, loveless, nihilistic phase much like now, except then i had some kind of easy low paying job and a nice new female fren hahahaha.

so there were no stupid secs games, just two people slowly getting to know each other over a period of much longer than 3 months, no begging or bargaining, just a mutual win win situation.

only after i really knew her did some super strong feelings come in like a flood.

so yeah that mean the luv was more real, and based on a real foundation.

and was even harder to lose!

and not in a good way either. a beautiful thing ended int he worst possible way.

and im sure it WAS a positive thing for her until late last year, when she started checking out.

well ill never know what she was thinking. maybe she wasnt checking out. she was probably confused like i was!

but yeah it was natural for me to fight to keep the rel, there was nothing else i COULD do! it wasnt really a challenge, i wasnt gonna NOT fight for it! i didnt really HAVE a choice.

also, what did i WANT. what was my INCENTIVE. what was my potential PAYOFF. a luving rel with muh perfect woman. pretty big payoff. of COURSE i did what i had to do.

now she had a choice. she could either have an awkward tuff talk with me, or just walk away and quit.

CUI BONO?

WHO? WHOM?

hahahaha.

ANYWAY the only possibly PAYOFF for HER fro talking to me was to get good karma, and Let Me Down Easy, do a Favor for a Former Friend. BUT the cons were it was an extremely awkward talk where i would probably beg her and act weird. so the pros did not outweigh the cons for her. the payoff was not worth it for her. for me, the payoff was immensely worth it. my payoff was a True Luving Relship. for her there was no such payoff because she did not like me.

the payoff for Doing and Saying Nothing was, she got to get out of the Relship like she wanted, and she got to avoid a painful conversation. win win for her. lose lose for me. zero sum game hahahahaha.

“but luv is not a zero sum game”

well when it is one sided luv, it sure as fook is!!!!!!! like this case.

path of least resistance. avoiding uncomfortable conversations WHERE there is no big payoff to you.

i was begging to have the uncomfortable conversation because the payoff to me was HUGE.

she was desperate to NOT have the uncomft convo because there was no real convincing payoff for her. so i might hate her less, so it would be better karma. OR she could just be DONE with the whole overwhleming overbearing intolerable situation RIGHT NOW. so its not surprising why or how she went that route.

payoffs. do what you want to do. the payoffs influence/are your wants. and if you really want it, you will do it. because of the payoff.  the pros outweigh the cons hahaha. very simple.

if anything its a negative sum game. i had a net negative experience. i wish id never met her. the costs outweighed the benefits of the entire relationship. we had some very good times, but it wasnt’ worth the pain that followed.

i would assume her experience was less negative because she had less invested. but she probably just forgot abotu the good times, or realizes its the past, the past is gone, look forward to a fun future of cocks and badbois and excitement and unexpected pregnancies.

so, forget the good times, and get the annoyance (UGH.) of a loser weirdo in luv with you.

for me, the past was very very good, but the heartbreak was very very very very very painful. add them up and what do you get. very very very painful and bad. the end.

net loss. my life would have been better if i had never met her. period. the end.

now when a real relationship  (well, we kinda did have some kind of real relationship tho, a two year friendship) ends WELL, both parties can agree, that ran its course, it was a GOOD RUN, but we can both agree there is no future here, so have a good life, good bye.

when both people want out, not when one person desperately wants IN , the other person desperately wants OUT.

so yeah everything really does make sense. people do what they really want, given the payoffs they are aiming for, measuring the costs and benefits. there was a huge potential benefit to me to pursue her, to go all in for in; there was really no potential benefit to her to even TALK to me, except KARMA, and even that was not a convincing or valuable enough payoff.

the good karma was not worth the trouble of an extremely awkward conversation, and probably me being pushy and bargaining and begging and pleading during that conversation, and pushing for MORE conversations, being unable to let go, etc.

so i got the book “getting past your breakup” by susan elliott i think is the name, opened it up to a random page and read,

“reaching out to the ex to request closure is just an EXCUSE FOR MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH THEM”.

and Real Closure Comes from Within, not from the other person. when a loved one DIES, you CANT get closure from THEM!!!!!!

so i liked that. requesting closure is an excuse to maintain contact with them. and thats exactly what i had done.

so that is good to know. look forward to reading this book moar.

of course every 25 year old woman is a Relationship Expert just because they have been with lots of guys, and they know that Closure is a Myth. but she didnt want to tell me that because i have to learn that lesson myself. fook that. i am 10 times better at relationships that her even though her longest rel is literally 20 times longer than mine.

it would have been interesting to study her relships though. thats why you ask them abotu it directly.

like so and so is dull and shows you know affection any more and you wish he loved you. well did he ever? what was he like in the first 6 months? did he take you on dates then and cuddle with you, or did he just sit around and grumble and drink and be very grumpy and inattentive to your needs? if so, why didnt you just bail like you did with me? well because she was in luv with him and not me, prob because he was moar masculine and manly.

so fookin stupid. worst pain in the world. like getting stabbed over and over in the heart all day every day for months and months and months. time for another 3.1 miler hahaha while i try to stop analyzing the stupid End Of The Relationship and Life Without Her, one of the most positive things in muh life, it was kind of a fantasy but kind of not, because i actually did know her! which made the luv more real, and the heartbreak more painful, and the way she did it more ridiculous.

also avoiding job search hahahaha. fook mah life hahahaha.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/

this is the book website ^^ i trust JD’s moar than PHD’s, because lawyers are better communicators and bullshitters than professors hahahaha. i believe the bullshitters. nobody bullshits like a lawyer. this is why lawyers are not kissless virgins and can date gurls for longer than 3 months without getting dumped.

well she is a woman lawyer and this book and everything on it is clearly geared to women, but thats how damn emotional i get about these rels.

its also kinda REASSURING to see that WOMEN actually have love and heartbreak, not just me. i thought women were cold, calculating, nihilistic, soulless, cold, socipathic monsters incapable of love or heartbreak.

http://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/survivingbreakup.html

well my next thing is gonna be to adapt my stupid Interview File to this site, which is basically 10000 words of bullshit to say during your interview to convince them you are The Best Candidate for the 9DAH part time no benefits stressful customer facing job.

chastity monogamy and slut shaming by “the truth will live”

a cute young gurl who is also a “neo reactionary” right wing, which is the word for all the stuff ive been into for years. here she talks about how chastity and monogamy are good things. i should just watch this gurl if i want to fall out of luv with the other woman!!!

but be careful. “Neo Reaction” is primarily male dominated and im sure many of them are lonely because they cant find a decent nondegenerate woman, and this young woman will get MORE ATTENTION and Supplication than is healthy for any person to have. kinda like the Fake Nerd Girl that hangs out at nerd shit like comic cons and D&D and gaming now, because Gaming is Cool now, and young women have caught on that the top 10% of men here will be successful, money-making engineers, so women like Nerd Culture much more in the 10s than they did EVER before. those of us in our Early Thirties distinctly remember a time when nerddom and gaming was a 1000000% sausage fest and did not have one or two QT Gurls hanging around and doing SJW bullshit like sarkeesian and gamer gate and “COSPLAY IS NOT CONSENT.” good GOD. they just want ATTENTION and to be a CELEBRITY and to snag the top 1% of men in these cultures. same as it ever was hahahaha. so 99% of the men are huge neckbeard pee bottle mlady virgins, but the top 1% will be Successful Engineers making 40DAH and be a GREAT meal ticket for these women hahahaha. Security. So yeah i am ALWAYS suspicious to see QT Young Women entering a culture or movement.

(like i hope muh buddy robert stark does not get obsessed and fall in luv with this gurl! robert stark is great and awesome and he has already done TWO interviews with her? even though she has like 7 videos? dont do it rob! make her EARN it! I would be happy though if she did a longterm monog rel with robert, possibly marriage. and WHENEVER i say “marriage” or “wife” in this whole blog, realize i am not talking about Legal State marriage, which is Rigged to Screw Men. If you want to legally marry a woman, you have to trust her SO MUCH that she will not take advantage of this.)

also she kinda looks like woman3, one of the women i actually dated for 2 months. i do not know why i like obviously fake hair like that, where they dye brown hair blond. not blond highlights in dark hair, which i think looks horrible. but i still like brown hair fully dyed blond. wtf. that is like me admitting i like to be decieved and possibly cuckolded. that i like a fake and a phony and a liar and a cheater and a cucker.

so what SHOULD a woman do? uhhh be a nice person and stay at home with their family and not get into masculine stuff like internet subcultures and politics and such. young qt gurls can really turn men against each other in a very unproductive way, which would be horrible for the Neoreactionary Movement. but i think its been gaining momentum and size and would survive any Internecine Gurl Drama. i dont think i used that word right hahahahaha.

i mean nothing NEW here, we all know why chastity and monogamy are good…… but its so nice to see a pretty young woman SAY it and appear to believe in it.  shes not super articulate or a good comunicator but what woman is, hahahahaha, she is better than 90% of women hahahaha.

however less articulate women can still slut-SHAME, however, and this is a very good quality you should look for in your women.  they just don’t like sluts. good. that means they might not be a slut themselves. OR they dont like sluts because they themselves are ashamed of BEING sluts. watch out for that. well if they ARE sluts they SHOULD be ashamed…… but better to find a woman whos not a slut in the first place.

the susan elliott book has a good part about rumination. you might be sick of ruminating and obsessing, but try to see it as part of The Healing Process. like you NEED to Ruminate as part of Getting Over It. It’s better to Ruminate and Face It Head On, than ignore it and push it under the rug, like how your Ex dealt with you hahahahaha.

its like dont hide from the grief and pain, just stand in the middle of it like getting blasted by a firehose. and that’s kind of what the months of obsessive rumination are part of that same Getting Hosed With Pain constantly.

but its actually a GOOD thing and means you’re FACING it and slowly getting over it!

standing in the middle of the torrent, just getting blasted! the rumination is part of the blasting and should go away within 1 year of No Contact.

looks like muh book encourages no contact too, good. i agree no contact is a good way to be.

cuz all contact is really just you WANTING THEM BACK.

ok so you DO still want them back and you should not deny your feelings.

so ADMIT that, but DONT contact that, becuase that will bring just a NEW torrent of pain which you DEF do not need.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/people-personality-type-most-likely-140119084.html

ISFP personalities are most likely to be unemployed, they cant handle jobs hahahaha

i thought i was an INFP but i am definitely close to this.

http://www.starktruthradio.com/

i found the yahoo article about Percievers being more likely to be unemployed because they are less conscientious. hahahaha i am very conscientious. anyway that was linked to from robert starks new website, in the post where he interviewed “the truth will live”.

good to see robert back, he used to be a top listen for me, but he never really had a great website of his own until now.

anyway i dont care about finding a nice right wing qt because any woman that gets that much into Political Thought is gonna be very hard to handle. better to have a nice sweet kind traditional woman who is right wing in her actions but does not waste a lot of time writing, thinking, youtubing, talking abotu it hahahaha. leave that to the men.  and the traditional conservative women can good wives to these men, and good mothers to their children.

i dunno maybe not. maybe i am generalizing.

but i guarantee if you had a neoreaction meetup with 20 Sexually Frustrated Guys, and 1 Cute Young gurl with similar political ideas, it WOULD get ugly and the guys would compete against each other and perhaps solid Male Friendships would get Ruined.

in essence there IS a kind of “owning.” you volunteer to be “owned” by your partner and she volunteers to be owned by you, in the sense that you elevate each other above the rabble, that they are SPECIAL to you, and that you don’t WANT to be with anybody else, sexually or emotionally, and you recognize there is a huge link between those two.

rather than “nobody owns anybody” and “everybody belongs to everybody” “mercenary” approach.

this is NIHILISTIC.

it promotes a view that human relationships and connectedness are interchangeable, disposeable, replaceable, and ultimately MEANINGLESS.

NIHILISTIC.

THEY BELIEVE IN NOTHING. (Lebowski hahahaha)

if they cant believe that sex and Love and Relationships mean anything……. for all Intensive Purposes (hehehe), they actually believe in Literally Nothing.

how can these people even get out of BED?

am i Catastrophizing Other People in general? maybe. people arent really THAT bad, i am just devastated because my Favorite Person became my Least Favorite Person and now i am in a world of pain.

but yeah i feel SHE was definitely being a bit NIHILISTIC about our Rel. by just throwing it away. you just dont do that when you KNOW a person for 2-3 years. even if youre having a rough patch. even if you dont love them back. you still treat them with a SHRED of respect and decency. i wasnt some random sex partner you have anonymous, soul-killing sex with after one night then throw away for being weird.

MY weirdness was not soul killing, and also it was kinda justifiable. this was kinda a big deal.

but ya know what? i am glad i confessed my feels, as bad as it turned out, rather than kept them bottled up, not said anything, pretended they werent there, wetn on with the CHARADE that there was no elephant in the room. i simply could not hide the truth any longer.

i think she HAD AN IDEA anyway, cuz of my signals. signals was the only route of communication she gave me, so i gave awkward ham fisted signals, like texting too much, writing emails about communication, calling her my favorite person, saying im afriad of losing you, mushy christmas cards of i appreciate you more and more and want to get closer to you, you are very important and speical to me, of COURSE she HAD AN IDEA. look at those signals i just listed. damn. of course she KNEW. thats WHY she was pulling away bit by bit until she was gone.

i certainly deserved better treatment! because i was not abusive to her. i had good reason to be pushy. and PUSHY IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!

i was pushing to essentially save the relationship.

i was like the family members doing an intervention on her, and instead of accepting the gift, she ran out the door and never looked back and then died of drugs and broke her familys heart hahaaha.

how can you have a “debate” with 11 candidates on stage where they each get 1 minute to respond.

they should do more of a “brackets” thing or eliminations. i hope all the candidates went on charlie rose. most probably have, but of course nobody watches charlie rose. i am talking about substantive discussions with none of the interrupting and shouting on top of each other like happens on ALL the news networks.  all the chavs and plebs out there drinking beer and fornicating and voting hahahaha. muh unions hahahaha.

not sure if we have “CHAVS” in the US hahahaha. i basically mean plebs.

ok i am not losing weight OR really getting over this bitch hahahaha. no she’s not a bitch, she just did a very btichy thing TO ME and was a BITCH to ME. she will make a wonderful lovely wife to another lucky man and be a wonderful mother to their children and live happily ever after while i K muh self at age 45 hahahaha. one of THOSE guys.

this is not a true debate faggot. gtfo tv journalist scum.

but yeah call a woman a “BITCH” and suddenly youre the bad guy. i am expressing anger at the injustice and unfairness that was done to me by her. youre SUPPOSED to be angry at the person. i am not going to HURT her for gods sakes. she hurt me a lot more! i think i have earned the right to call her a BITCH!

THAT BITCH! hahahahaha

GET ANGRY, YOU SON OF A BITCHES!

bumping up the 1.4 mile walk to 1.8 miles. so the 2.8 miler or 3 miler becomes a 3.6 miler. 3 of those, get 10.8 miles.

so my goal was to get 10 miles. not just 9.4 miles or whatever. i mean i will need to get up to 12 or 14 miles to lose weight, like i did back in 2007 and 8 where i was walking 12-14 miles well not every day but several times a week.

also i wanted to do an average every day, well 6 days a week. instead of 10 miles one day then 5 miles next and alternating. would rather do 7.5 miles erry day.