MEN UNDERSTAND BEING A WOMAN BETTER THAN WOMEN DO

LONG  9000 word POST!!!!!!!!!!

nov 16 2016

ok went to urgent care place to do job related physical and tb test. the place is a big health care company and i do not trust. would not want to work there. felt very sorry for the people who had to work there, forced to treat people as numbers, process people like cattle, even blacks and nonwhite dont deserve to be treated like that so UrgentCareInc can make more damn shekels. there was a white male about my age at the front desk and he was constantly on the phone talking about HR and DOT and stuff, and hopefully not being given a runaround or forced to give a runaround. the place was so busy they needed 2 people at the front desk. the place was huge in the back office and had a ton of nurses and assistants.

the nurse/assistant who helped me was a 50 year old woman who sounded like she smoked 10 packs a day. but she was white. she said her daughter recently became a Schoolteacher and she was surprised at how much they WORK. I said I know, it’s not what people think, those teachers are doing a ton of unpaid work every day, they get run ragged, i wouldnt want to be a teacher!

was very quick and short and curt, as was the doctor who came next, probably so they can get as many people in and out. these people move so FAST I am left with a sense of what the hell just happened? this is a LOT faster than my Speed Of Life.

there were some black women working the front and back desk. i was very nice to them. i am always very nice to everybody i talk to, white or nonwhite.

i didnt know what the tb test entailed. it entailed pricking my arm with a tb protein or something, then i have to go back in 48 hours so they can “READ” it. but no more than 72 hours. 24 hour window of time. i dont like getting pricked with needles, i hate needles, but this one was pretty minor.

nurse said take off your clothes and put these paper clothes and shorts on, doctor will be in in a few minutes. she left and i was like uhhhhhhhh cant i just wear muh t shirt and underoos? am i supposed to get fully nude and put this god damn paper gown and paper shorts on? wtf? so i said well, i will be a good goy and get fully nude and put this stupid shit on. the doctor can make fun of me if he wants. i didnt take a shower today, jokes on him, i just wiped muh crotch and balls with a paper towel, soap and water hahahahahaha. if hes an arab doctor he probably has similar hygiene hahahahaha.

he was a white male doctor! and there was no ball cupping, ball touching, or anything. he had me bend slightly at the waist. it went super duper fast, no cupping, no coughing, no butt stuff hahahaha, very easy. i threw the paper clothes in the trash. dr did not bitch at me for keeping my socks on.

went to HR and dropped papers off, asked about employment pools and internal postings and mailing lists and why dont you put your shit on indeed. i was assured that they no longer have a pool, but that they had my results from when i WAS in the pool, then they stopped the pool, but if they start it again, they will put me back in AND email me. good. i asked if there were any email lists i could get on. thats the thing about this place. there are all these hidden secret jobs, its like the god damn masons.

had a weird but somewhat fun dream last night. i was flirting somewhat with a qt young woman. it wasnt that woman, the dream woman was much smaller and petite, not my usual type but oh well. things were going well, then she disappeared. came back a few months later and said she got married to some guy she just met. i voiced my opinion and i was like, heres the thing, im not gonna pretend to be happy about this. i was starting to like you and i was really disappointed when you just left me in the lurch. i feel like you didnt give me a fair shake. and now youre marrying a guy who in your words you dont even know? dont you feel bad about just Ghosting me? this kinda sucks. i’m not happy about what you did. i’ll get over it but you should know that shit aint right. its not nice to do that to people.

so essentially saying stuff i wanted to say to That Woman hahaha.

now i prefer taller women with meaty Thighs and Asses, long legs, long arms, but i would be open to a Shorter women, provided she is not stumpy, stocky, or at all potatoey, and this dream girl was not, so thats good.

also another part of the dream involved me meeting millennial woes. that was fun. never had a MW dream before. we were hanging out and getting along real well till i said or did somethign that made him thing I was stupid or uncouth. and i was mad at myself for being an idiot around this guy i respected. but also it was just a misunderstanding too, he should really be open to that possibility. also what IF i am a crass uneducated trump voting redneck whitelash? hes alt right pro white, he of all people should appreciate this raw, uneducated white power hahahahaha.

or maybe i am reading this all wrong and blowing it all out of proportion and he DOESNT think that about me.

a part of the dream had me holding a heroin needle and thinking, well, i am tempted to experiment with opiates, BUTTTTT i hate needles and dont want to inject myself.

another part of the dream had me in a large room with millennial woes and i looked out the large windows and there were huge, demonic, savage looking wild boars/warthogs out there. huge and vicious, more than anything in the real world. i was like holy shit those things will tear us apart and they could just jump through the window right now and K us savagely, uhhhh arent you concerned about this? holy shit just look at those things!!!!!

so yeah it was a vivid and action packed dream but thankfully not too disturbing or terrifying.

i know it has to do with this big news of The New Job, that that is SUCH a big deal that I immediately KNEW it would take several days to get past the SHOCK and begin PROCESSING it.

later wed…..

ok today i got muh new hard drive AND the windows recovery disk AND the stick of ram. installed the hard drive and got windows going without issue. it just took forever to install. using my regular computer again now.

installed additional ram in other computer which muh fam uses so it isnt so shamefully slow. at first it didnt seem to take. then i took it out and pushed it back in again and this time the computer detected it. good times. hopefully fam notices a difference. i think i did although i did not do brutal shit to it to test it out.

downloaded antiwirus onto “new” ocmputer. which is using windows 7. this is a silver lining here because i wasnt thrilled wiht windows 10 but it was too late to roll it back.

google drive files updating nao.

installed libreoffice, notepad++, audacity, google drive, poker program. muh basics haha.

plus i think windows 7 is better with the wireless adapter which was always getting BTFOd on windos 10.

why? even microsoft Project Managers dont know WHY. or the Lead Senior Software Engineers under them.

ok listened to new deathspell omega again a few days ago and liked it more. drums sound really good. now im thinking its a human. just a really really good human, with crystal clear production but no phony triggery bullshit.

the last minute of the second song kinda grabbed me.

right there at 5:07, might be the key to enjoying the whole album. because the distortion on the guitar is decreased and he is not strumming so fast, so you can actually hear and comprehend the guitar part, which is of course plenty weird, its just much easier to digest. but there’s no dialing down the intensity of the drum part, in fact you can hear it all the better.

basically turn down the distortion on the guitars on the whole album and play longer notes!

but no, hes an autist that doesnt like to make it easy for the listener. thats all it is.

so yeah what i like about dso is that stupid, autistic chaos really IS an accurate representation of my mind when it is confused and distressed and anxious. like when i was at work thinking OH GAWD I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING IM SO CONFUSED AND SCARED my thoughts would be racing and crashing into each other like a damn dso song.

completely lacking any sense of judgment, not knowing whats right and wrong, whats real and whats not. whats happening with the job, whats happening with the woman, whats happening.

WHITELASH hahahaha. i am VERY GLAD to be a PART OF that WHITELASH.

now the pollsters are realizing the actual truth: that trump tapped into a White Voting Bloc. he spoke to Whites and whites voted him in. as a race conscious white i couldnt be happier. i dont apologize for being white, im not EMBARASSED by white people, i dont look forward to a time when whites are a minority, i don’t think you should not respect thomas jefferson because he OWNED SLAVES. then dont go to the fookin UVA you uppity skypes and googles hahahaha.

believe me i know white people who think its HORRIBLE that white people are even ABLE to vote as a group, and vote for such a horrible white racist as TRVMP.

fook NO i dont trust (((((KUSHNER))))) !!!!!!!!!! he could be a problem in the future. i hope he isnt. but i wouldnt be surprised if he is.

i just wish That Woman hadnt been so HORRIFIED by the idea of me liking her. you dont have to like me back, I GET THAT. Just dont act like its so DISGUSTING and GODAWFUL. Just say SORRY, I dont like you that way, this must be painful for you. dont HATE me for getting feelings for you. i would never hate somebody for that.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeit whatever. shit happened. bad shit. i learned to be more courageous and direct in the future. i just cant see myself ever being interested in a woman ever again.

although thats where the dreams can be useful. like in this dream last night, i felt myself sort of interested in this dream woman who wasnt THAT woman.

or this super attractive 9/10 woman who might be at the social event today hahahaha who is WAYYYYY out of muh league but damn is she nice to look at!

i mean im FINE with her being out of my league! i KNOW a 6/10 35 yo old man has no CHANCE at a 9/10 23 year old woman!

was concerned the ram would not take in the dell latitude. there are two ram slots. one easily accessible on the bottom, another buried under the keyboard. thankfully the easy access one was the open one. getting to it was easy. popped it in, seemed to fit well. start comp, not showing any difference. still says 2 gb ram, should be 4. do mem diagnostics test. no change. frowning. open it up again, pull it out, stare at it, pop it right back in. start comp, says preboot that memory has changed. this is new. ok great yes i did change it. start up, now it says 4 gb. PRAISE THE LORD. but WHY? what did i do DIFFERENTLY? i just took it out and put it right back in! did i have it in wrong? ILL NEVER KNOW hahahaha.

continued to buy more xmas presents for fam today.

nov 17

ok when they say “TB test must be read within 48 to 72 hours of administration” that is not very clear that what it REALLY means is, the full TB test is in 2 parts. the first time they prick you with a needle. then it may or may not have some affect on your skin in that area. then 48 to 72 hours after pricking, you have a 24 hour window where you MUST return to the clinic to finish part 2 of the tb test, which is given the rather unclear technical name of “reading.” just call it testing part 2. THEY are “reading” your skin somehow. the important thing to remember is you have to get pricked, WAIT 48 hours to go back, then go back, but not after 72 hours. or else then you have to get pricked again.

but they dont say any of that hahahaha.

that is the type of TRANSPARENCY i would have in MY company hahaha. tell you what you NEED TO KNOW. tell you the most important things so you can fully understand shit quickly. it would PROBABLY cut back on phone calls asking for stupid clarification.

and this is not a big deal at all in this case, but shit like this would INFURIATE me at my old job.

and another “pet peeve” about computers that, when you are working in Computer Service, is INFURIATING and will turn a mild mannered man into a savage frightened animal shrieking and screeching.

definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results.

SO WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU DO THE SAME THING TWICE AND DO GET DIFFERENT RESULTS????

it might be INSANE, but ITS HAPPENING!!! its happening to your equipment!!!! doing the same shit twice either fixed it or broke it! the insanity was consequential and important and valuable and you want to know WHY!!!!!

but the other def of insanity is, you will NEVER know why. its IMPOSSIBLE to know why.

now i wouldnt call any of these things “the definition of INSANITY” but i know what you mean. i would call it NONSENSE, or infuriatingly illogical, or bullshit, or this cant be, or wtf, or fooking ridiculous, this makes no sense. slightly insane i guess. hahahaha. chaos reigns.

hey lets look at the days since spreadsheet!

last time i actually talked to That Woman      492 days

last time i initiated contact, final email           458 days

last time i looked at degen jooish porn            374 days

bretty good amirite?

66 days since haircut. kinda starting to look bad.

was watching the woodstock movie on tcm last night. really is a great movie, worth buying permanently in whatever form you would do that. would have loved to watch it with That Woman, cuddle for 3 hours, smoke MJ for 3 hours, probably stop watching the long movie to have luving secs a few times hahahaha. i think she would have appreciated the movie, she liked a lot of that kind of music and sorta looked like a hippie.

i first saw the movie when i was like 20 and was pretty impressed, watched it again at 21 or 22 smokin MJ with muh old friend, good memories.

havent seen it since.

i still appreciate the music but now i have a much better big picture perspective on it, like the degeneracy, and seeing these white youths throwing their lives away on the new jooish degeneracy, which at the time was BRAND NEW and exciting and did not seem like degeneracy, but freeing and liberating and luv……but it was jooish degen. and none of these goys realized it.

but things did seem innocent because all this stuff was so new and people were optimistic and excited and happy.

great songs and performances too. when i was young i was electrified by for example joe cocker, now i was like, welp what drugs is he on. what drugs is this guy on.

seeing all these people in 1969 47 years ago and realizing i am older now than they were then. i am older than these young men with huge beards like that great performance by canned heat. their bass player is spazzing out like that because hes probably on ACID. MOST of these people are on ACID. or that guitar player is not on acid, hes just stoned as shit on MJ. pete townsend is probably on “uppers” because they didnt have coke back then. keith moon is on acid and uppers and booze. joe cocker is also on EVERYTHING. how much of this is an act, and how much of it is drugs? joe cocker could not keep up with this lifestyle, how did he survive till age 75 or whatever? either way his performance was great. richie havens is mesmerizing. he could be on acid or in a trance or something. but when he speaks between songs he seems normal. the way he plays guitar is so weird. how is he not breaking the strings strumming that hard. what tuning is he in that he plays with his THUMB like that. his voice is very haunting.

so yeah i still got all that, the performances were just as good as i remembered, but it was interesting to have perspective on it, that even these performers were too young to have!

i can understand being against the vietnam war, but immediately Da Joos got involved and turned it into a marxist thing. now i can see that for what it is. typical jooish disruption. jooish culture of critique. and none of the goys they scammed realized it. they were just about weed and acid and free love and fighting the man and the pigs.

but yeah since this was just STARTING and people were so excited, we got some really good music out of it, the likes of which has never again emerged from such cultural degeneracy. and again the music helped sell this degen and make people happy about it, including me for a time. its still great music.

also, people didnt talk nearly as much about white privilege, and whites and men werent hated as much. i think many of these early sjw’s were truly interested in naive equality rather than marxist revolution and punching up against whites and men. there were so many white men there at woodstock. healthy, young, beautiful white people, not at all fat, so many skinny in shape people, all getting fooked up on drugs and booze and frying their brains.

whites beginning to act like negros. look at all the frontmen gyrating around with their stupid tight pants. muh dick is all it is.

so yeah. such an interesting mixed bag of great music and genuinely optimistic people, but the beginning of generations of horrible jooish degeneracy that just got worse and worse. became nihilistic within 30 years.

and now finally in 2016, we have some long needed WHITELASH hahahaha.

THE SLEEPING GOY AWAKENS!!!!!!

i turned it off after joe cocker because it was 230 am, but i know there was a ton of good shit after that too.

some of the video is better than others, like the who video is kinda shitty because its too much roger daltrey and not nearly enough keith moon hahaha.

also just the language these people use, its stupid and childish but its honest and sincere, whereas today the leftist marxist sjw “hippies” have a much more SOPHISTICATED, JOOISH way of talking because of all their damn college. and they know they cant get away with looking and sounding like they are on ACID.

before and after a 40 year Jooish March Thru The Institutions hahahaha.

i mean there was already some jooish subversion going on in like the 1920s…..but it EXPLODED in the late 60s.

dont like muh bigotry? go cry to your hillary support group hahahaha. THE BUMS LOST LEBOWSKI!

WHITELASH!!!!!!

i realize this is not good for those trump supporters who are trying to defend themselves AGAINST accusations of bigotry and racism by the left. oh no were not racists!

and then i come out and say im a trump supporter AND a huge avowed admitted racist! it doesnt look good for trumps people.

well, i dont represent trump supporters in general, in fact id be MOST of the average WHITELASH voters, the white men trump supporters, really ARENT racist!

just me and the the 1% of people like me hahahaha.

only thing i SORT OF represent is the “alt right”.

http://web.archive.org/web/20161108042727/http://globalnews.ca/news/3052556/ontario-teen-who-called-for-white-canada-has-laptops-seized-by-cbsa/?sf41511983=1

did i post this nov 2016 news story about evalion DOXXED and harrassed by FEDS???

I am kinda suspicious of her but when she gets attacked by ZOG like this, i have to take her side. i mean she MIGHT BE batshit crazy, but she has made real sacrifices.

dont wear long fake eyelashes. you look like a decadent whore hahahaha. no im not talking to evalion. talking to the blond bitch on tarek and christina. christina the race mixer hahahaha. she is real hawt but wears too much makeup and horrible whorish eyelashes. dont do that. and tarek is the whitest looking arab i have ever seen, so…i guess thats good.

i am betting he is “only” half arab.

making whortina only half a race traitor hahahaha.

whatever id still bang her. shit id make white babies with her! i would have to work HARD to brainwash the crazy out of her though. probably wouldnt be worth it. 10 years ago, sure.

also she has a horrible voice hahahaha. kinda “secsy” but in the long term, annoying Vocal Fry hahahaha.

indicates moral laxness hahaha.

used up remainder of amazon gift card on columbia fleece jacket. plain black. agonized over color.

i mean i got like 100$ amazonbux for doing a survey activity.

anyway. just trying to say i dont really spend money frivolously. and when i really need new clothes…..i dont really get them, i have to FORCE myself, because ALL spending seems frivolous, but then when i actually DO spend the money and buy the new clothes……it was very much worth it. like with buying A Suit, etc. buy jeans, new shoes, now this fleece jacket. i kind of have one already but its technically the inner lining of a 2 piece jacket system hahaha. so i want to just put it in and leave it in there and not have to take it out of the jacket whenever i want to wear something like that.

also i am glad i Sacked Up and had a direct talk with the guy i wanted to talk to about MJ. I did not have high expectations, but i just wanted to introduce the idea. that i would like to go in with him on his next purchase if possible. turns out he is not making a purchase for….a few months and told me some exciting life news for him. so i appreciated that. i support him 100% in this endeavour and am not butthurt about not being able to get MJ! but hopefully when he is ready, he will tell me, and he does seem kinda reliable like that. i mean he is decent at Adulting, makes decent money, lives normie life, doesnt screw people over. that at least he knows that i am interested in Going In with him Next Time, so plz let me know when you are ready for next time hehehehe.

so yeah i crossed that off the list hehe.

ok gotta make a good impression at this job. get there 15 minutes early, leave 15 minutes late every day.  make coffee, buy coffee, buy bagels or donuts.

also, find Where The Information Is. knowledge base. case notes. case system. ticket system. S drive. intranet. ANYTHING i can access from home.

CAN I LISTEN TO PHONE CALLS?

that would have been a GREAT learning tool at my own job, but I was so flustered i didnt even think to ask. I mean I read a lot of cases, but actually hearing the calls while reading the cases would have been a lot better. just read and listen to calls for an hour when you get home hahahaha.

write everything down. make flashcards.

ask everybody about their families.

buy a large container of coffee regularly.

spend a ton of money frivolously to buy new clothes. nice shirts and pants that fit properly. take pants to chinese laundry to shorten the legs for my manlet stumpy legs. spend more money.

look people directly in the eye at all times and act like a real confident nonnevergf normie hahaha.

get hair cut regularly so it doesnt look sloppy and nevergf on the sides.

good thing about this job is that it could not be closer. it is literally 3 miles away.

some women ONLY date (ie fook, and get preggers from) TRASHY guys. not just good badboys, but BAD badboys, like deadbeats, drug addicts, woman beaters, felons, etc. people with real big problems. hehehe. they wont date you or fook you from tinder because you are literally not trashy enough.

there is a “tradwife” in the altright who was A Tranny but he/she “passed” remarkably well. they were obviously a not very masculine man who was able to pass as a woman better than some women, hahahahahahaha. i saw a picture and i was like, hmmm, they are young, skinny, really doesnt look too freakish, hmm i think i want to bang that man hahahahahahhaha.

and then they got “bullycided” from twitter and the internet in like april 2016 and stopped posting to their blog which was written quite well and is probably worth reading and basically advocates trad alt right values like family and masculine men and feminine women and was anti-homosex and promiscuity and degeneracy. so this person literally felt like a woman, a very very traditional woman, born into a very feminine man’s body.

anyway i know notorious sinead posted imho a rather inappropriate picture of this person which i dont know how she got. and sinead loves to attack the “alt k1ke” for being pro-gay, pro-tranny, pro-degen, etc.

anyway i just thought it was interesting that i felt a sense of SYMPATHY for the “tradwife.” ultimately  i was viewing them and treating them as a full real woman. i didnt see them as a man or a tranny. i didnt think it was fair for them to be bullied and shamed and i was kinda interested in their blog.

hahahaha maybe i secretly want to date the tradwife. how ridiculous would that be.

I AM WHITE KNIGHTING FOR A TRANNY hahahahaha.

yeah ok fine you caught me red handed. Oh well, so what. i certainly dont feel this way about most trannies, who are all about marxist degeneracy lock stock and barrel.

https://web.archive.org/web/20161109135829/https://valkyricvisionary.wordpress.com/

thing is, the tradwife would prob still be out of my league hahahahahaha because she wants a strong, proud, alpha man, just like every other woman hahahahaha.

but yeah he/she is a good writer, clearly very smart, and doesn’t really say anything too ridiculous. he/she views trannyism as an illness that can be successfully treated by fully adopting the desired gender role. rather than becoming some genderless genderqueer otherkin. i mean tradgrace wants to become a beautiful aryan woman in a wheat field. what he/she wants to become is a beautiful thing!

so yeah god have mercy on me but i have some sympathy for tradgrace.

although it SHOULDNT MATTER if a woman is smart or a good writer.

but if a woman IS smart and a good writer, i do usually like that, provided they arent some insane screeching leftist…..which they usually are.

but this isnt a woman!!!!!!

anyway i wish grace well, that is a hard life, im not gonna bully grace, i cant disagree with what xir says. hahahaha. well, xir’s preferred pronoun would certainly be “she”, as grace celebrates everything about Traditional Femininity!

https://valkyricvisionary.wordpress.com/

ok fine i will link to grace directly so SHE can see me linking, and then find me, and then she can be my waifu!

heh. if i were a total homosexual degenerate……wouldnt i want to bang men who dont identify as women, let alone who look quite convincingly like young, feminine women?

anyway. grace’s big mistake was to assume people wouldnt bullycide “her” for being a tranny. if she wrote this stuff and just presented herself as a normal woman, she would not be punished, and there would be 14888888888888888888888 alt right white virgins white knighting for her!

so yeah. i dunno. i think that is very courageous of grace.

come talk to a PHAG ENABLER like me, grindr greg, or millennial woes, we will give you a safe space and cuddles hahahahahahaha.

anyway grace is a bigger winner than me anyway. at least she is working on achieving her dreams and is I think a successful college or grad student. maybe. maybe heshe is a basement dwelling sperg. definitely not a fat ugly one though!

and if you read herhis writing without thinking of who is writing it…….its pretty unimpeachable.

yep looks like i want to date and marry and cuddle with a MAN. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING hahahaha.

but sinead thinks the alt k1ke is infested with “tradwives”, well i cant think of a single other one other than grace, and grace was imho brutally, savagely, unfairly punished.

dont tell trs i think her punishment was too severe tho, i will get banned for being a fag enabler hahahaha.

well, technically tranny enabler.

anyway i really do wish grace well but i should stop thinking about this because i am starting to turn gay hahaha.

she basically wants to become a 100% woman and to marry a straight man.

well dont many trannies want to become full 100% women rather than genderqueer?

well ok fine. but they still dont want to become SUPER OLD SCHOOL TRADITIONAL women!

and i appreciate grace for attempting to really understand what really being a traditional feminine woman means. hint its not being a GIRLY GIRL and liking JUST GIRL THINGS.

a fooking MAN understands being a woman better than WOMEN do hahahahahahahah hrmmmm. wwawaawwawawawa.

or am i just butthurt because i am lonely and havent been with a woman as good looking as a MAN, in 11 years?

yeah i think thats part of it too. like if i things had worked out with That Woman I wouldnt even be ENTERTAINING the thought of Dating A Man, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

but yeah, tradgrace is just a really really really interesting case.

so yeah grace you can email me at ufmll at yahoo dot com and we can have a real good conversation hahahaha.

i fully believe that tradgrace has sucked and fooked less cox than the average 25 year old white woman!

anyway i wish i could write as coherently and have as much courage as this transexual man hahahaha.

when i was young we didnt HAVE an alt right. so your only recourse was to slip into a nihilistic escapist world of drugs and alcohol and confusion and chaos and maybe if you still cared about race you could find an internet forum of neo nazi losers who were fat drunk degenerate losers and lived in their mothers basements. never any average normie 13 dollar an hour normies. but crazy neet losers. not the type of people you want to hang out with. rejects hanging out with all the other rejects. drinking and complaining about how all women are negro fookin whores. which 49% of them are hahahahahahaha.

http://getgreenshot.org/

ok screenshot program here, i sent them a 2 dollar dnation toot toot toot toot hahahaha.

i only donate to projects where most of the people have white sounding names hahahaha.

its just EXHAUSTING that you have to be FIGHTING and ARGUING and SELLING and CONVINCING and PERSUADING people ALL THE TIME, like heres why this is valuable, heres why what were doing isnt technically screwing you, just bullshitting and selling all the time, every little and big thing, every person you talk to, youre trying to sell them something they dont want to buy. and i am not talking about “sales”. i am talking about “service”. heres why we cant fix this. heres why you/we cant do this.  its just EXHAUSTING. i dont have that much ENERGY. only TRVMP has that much energy.

tfw when no tranny trap qt to help boost your energy hahahaha.

no this is terrible. i never did any bullying to grace, i never bullied anyone.

sheeeeeeeeit. getting nervous about New Job. like what do i say when i dont know waht to say but still have to sound smart and confident and competent? impostor syndrome. how do normies DO this. how is this not a problem for more people. how could not one normie write one book on how to DO this.

i bet tradgrace would try to be nice to me when HE rejected me hahahahahahahaha

HE wouldnt throw me away like a piece of garbage, or get SO DISGUSTED that a low mate value man could get feelings for HIM hahahahaha.

ok ok i shouldnt be making light of tradgrace. really. im not making fun of him. i mean i dont even have a huge problem with calling him her.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how%20to%20deal%20with%20assholes

how to deal with assholes

an INSANELY VALUABLE LIFE SKILL. I never really learned it. whether the asshole is a bully, or just a rude asshole, or an angry customer, or somebody demanding an explanation, or its just a tough situation. maybe you need to be the asshole.

heh. i might have good communication skills if i didnt get so flustered and nervous.

worried about getting somehow rejected, or humiliated. dumped, fired, yelled at, insulted, bullied, thought of as an idiot or a weakling, shamed, shunned, given a hard time, verbally abused hahaha.

emotional labor theres a new phrase i learned in current year hehehehe.

nov 18

ok not spacing out muh posts so well, get a short post followed by a very long post. DEAL WITH IT hahahaha.

heh i like this arab/negro bath where you just wash you crotch region with soap and water and a bounty paper towel hahahaha. pretty effective and ridiculously FAST. TIME IS MONEY wagie! TICK TOCK! BACK TO WORK! ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR!

ok. completed final tb test, the “reading”. this nurse woman looked at it for literally 1 second and said OK youre all set! then i took the papers they gave me and drove them down to HR myself because they said they were gonna mail a copy, and i figured, deliver the myself so they can get them before the end of the day friday, rather than get them on tuesday, plus thanksgiving next week, etc.

got pair of medium champion sweatpants. they do not look nearly as big and sloppy as the Large sweatpants. got the sweatpants with gift card from research study. no money wasting. but it would have been worth it to spend real money because they LOOK A LOT BETTER. less neet virgin, less incel, less r9k, less loser, less nevergf.

whenever i see a damn woman my first thought is a knee jerk automatic negative thought about her being a Stupid, Immature Slut, fooking lots of cox, and being lost and fallen and a big baby, a damn CHILD. contempt and smug superiority is the first thing i feel when seeing a random woman. and i cant even use that smug superiority to translate into masculine confidence in dealing with these women directly. in those cases, then i feel hugely inferior!

bought this book impulsively because i need to do SOMETHING to IMPROVE muhself hahahaha.

i just heard about DBT this year, a few months ago, from a person in the social work field, and then i started seeing it everywhere, and the best selling self help books were all DBT, see people mentioning DBT all over reddit, etc.  yeah marsha ((((linehan)))) is a jooess but I think she really does want to help people. (update: i think she is actually hwyte and linehan is an irish name)

and yeah DBT was originally developed for BORDERLINE…..but that doesnt mean it hasnt also been used very effectively for LESS SERIOUS things like bipolar or depression or anxiety.

so, me reading this book does not mean im an antiwhite joo, or that i am a totally batshit borderline.

Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance

uh YASSSS PLEASE these are all things i wouldnt mind improving!!!!!

so i thought well maybe i am a phag and maybe i would date tradgrace. but i wouldnt want to get sodomized by her D hahahaha. overall i just felt sympathy and pity for grace. i didnt think he/she should be thrown in the oven or bullycided. that in an ideal world we would use medical science to turn him into a real woman.

and that since im not really a real man, maybe it is appropriate that the best i can get is a not real woman. i mean me and grace both agree on the ideal of a man and a woman.

but a big worry of mine is that grace will have to continue taking female hormones the rest of “her” life. right?

and does something happen to hormone levels when you cut off a man’s balls?

im concerned about male vs female HORMONES in other words.

also, even if grace got rid of all the male hormones and got her D cut off and a Cosmetic V made….. he/she still doesnt have the internal works, the uterus, the ovaries, the menses, the physical essence of being a woman. even if he/she kinda DOES have the mental/spiritual essence of an Ideal Woman. he/she can never DO what WOMEN DO: have babies. and NOT in a way that an infertile woman can’t have babies.

so i thought, what is the best life for grace? whats the best way for them to have a family? should they?

I thought she might be a good tradwife for a beta male, or a gay man, or a guy like me that has good intentions, but just not enough Good Results to pull a Real Woman. and then maybe we could adopt white children from white deadbeats who have no interest in being good parents.

but i want REAL children of my own!

and dont you think GRACE does too?

so the best would be for grace to use her male sperm to have a baby with a white surrogate mother?

and then maybe grace could raise the child with her well-meaning but beta male husband?

how about an infertile male? plenty of men are “shooting blanks” and want to have children but they just have bad sperm!

another possibility would be grace becoming a celibate religious woman. but i am pretty sure grace is a larpagan and not into k1kegod hahahaha. hmmmm.

i think grace would be a good, loving parent to children…….but how the HELL do you tell your CHILD that their “mother” was born a MAN? do you EVER tell them?

this is a rock and a hard place. thats why i feel such sympathy and pity for grace. i think he/she is proceeding the best he/she can under these ridiculously unfortunate circumstances.

see i never felt like a real man, always inadequate and inferior and fairly feminine………..but i was never unhappy with being a MAN, i NEVER felt like im a woman stuck in a mans body.

i just feel like a Highly Above Average Feminine man, and I dont whether I should try to purge that femininity from me. i mean, im ok with accepting it……but so many WOMEN are NOT! And I would prefer to be with a woman than a transexual MtF hahahahaha.

really i think the answer is not for me to remove femininity from myself, but rather ADD MASCULINITY. by doing shit, facing fears, being courageous, being productive, lifting weights, doing more manly things.

i dunno. maybe grace needs to find her FtM counterpart haahahaha then they can get together and raise white children.

i mean yeah grace is literally a very special snowflake hahahaha.

so how could grace impregnate the FtM? they would both have to be “PREOP”. im not even sure grace is preop. I am SURE grace looks at her D and feels disgusted and wants to get rid of it.

i have NEVER had that feeling, except on VERY rare occasions like “i wish i could chop this stupid thing off and stop being attracted to women!!!! because im sick of failing with women!!!!!”

it wasnt a persistent thing, like i really really really really want to get rid of this D.

shit. did i mention i got a call for an interview today from the Top Rated Health Company I reallllllllllly wanted the IT job at, interviewed for, never heard back. they called today. i was like oh shit are they gonna OFFER me the IT job. then i would HAVE to turn down the job i was just offered. but no. it was for the different payroll job i appleid to a few days ago. so i was like welp i accepted this other offer, sorry, but I think your company is great and I may well apply in a year.

but yeah. it was just haunting to me that a “batshit crazy trannie” probably has had a less degen life than the average REAL woman, tons of casual sex, abortions, throwing people away, breaking hearts, cheating. grace hasnt done ANY of that. probably only been with 1 or 2 guys. long term rels only. and also all women are crazy anyway, dont know what they want, they are probably jsut about as crazy as a man who wants to become a woman.

hehehehe.

but I have HUGE issues with women tho!!!!!! maybe if i didnt, then i would have a more “appropriate” reaction towards grace, that is, throw this degenerate into the oven immediately!!!!!!

so maybe this DBT book by the jooess will help me with my automatic negative thoughts and feels about Women hahahaha.

its not even BY the jooess, its by goys and building on the framework of the jooess.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_M._Linehan

uhh she is a “long term roman catholic” hehehe. is linehan a jooish name? i thought it was but it may be one of those irish names that sorta SOUNDS jooish. anyway linehan herself was/is batshit crazy with schizo and or borderline……but she became a very respected professor.

http://www.linehaninstitute.org/index.php

anyway i…..am starting to think she is not jooish. good!

http://archive.is/8htuM

joo york slimes article on linehan

wow she went through some shit, was totally batshit institutionalized, many suicide attempts, but gradually got her life together, did a lot of praying to catholic god, also got into mindfulness, i can appreciate all this! good for her! seriously!

http://blogs.uw.edu/brtc/

 

ok linehan is an IRISH name hahaha confirmed. good.

i mean i dont rule joos OUT, like i still like leonard cohen, its just that when im not sure about a person, i would prefer for them to be not jooish, because, on the whole, on average, joos are bad hahahahaha.

i mean if i could ever think straight and not be anxious or angry and flustered, and in control of muh emotions, i think i am probably smart enough to figure out how to do things, how to fix problems, how to communicate well, how to be competent, how to add value, how to SELL shit all day, how to bullshit my way out of things, hahahaha. but its just i always get flustered by muh emotions. which is what women do hahahaha.

NOT ALL WOMEN.

NOT EVEN MOST WOMEN hahahaha.

ok. i think i concluded that i will tell people that i was LAID OFF and that the center closed in late spring 2015. none of the coworkers are gonna try to investigate when the center closed. and then i just had a REAL HARD TIME finding a job and did NOT want to go back to the Service Desk World, BAMN, and I had a tuff time finding a non service desk job.  REAL tuff. hey. i coulda taken this FT job for 16 bucks an hour, but id rather take a part time job for 11 bucks an hour, because its not a service desk!

so yeah these sweatpants look a lot better than the old ones. i should just throw them out. i mean when you wear clothes that are just WAY TOO BIG you look BAD, like a FAILURE hahahaha, it is not good for the CONFIDENCE. i mean if you have unshakable confidence and a qt trapwaifu to loyally comfort you, fine, good for you, dress like a slob and see how long your qt trapwife will stand by u, hahahaha. but if you are a lonely emo just struggling to do the bare minimum, you need all the help with confidence you can get, and Dressing Better is a very valuable thing.

did i mention i showed courage and bravery and asked this guy about MJ. so i am just glad i showed courage and bravery and talked about it directly. he said he could not do it right NOW, and i said thats just fine, and it really is, he had a very good reason.  i was just glad to DO SOMETHING like a MAN and not be too AFRAID to DO SOMETHING.

of course MJ is degen AF hehehehe. but i want to go thru that degen phase. its not NEARLY as degen as being a tranny or a WOMAN hahahaha

heh. between WOMEN and TRANNIES, i sympathize with the TRANNY. WOW. that says a lot about ME.

but honestly. i dont mean to bully or be mean to grace. he/she has a tough path in life, and he/she has the good intentions of wanting to do whats best for The Race. which is more than i can say for most women hahahaha.

yeah but women arent SUPPOSED to care about the race!

women arent SUPPOSED to be mature adults!

women arent SUPPOSED to know what they want!

women arent SUPPOSED to be held accountable for anything!

the dog isnt SUPPOSED to control himself from eating the steak!

women arent SUPPOSED to learn how to CONTROL themselves! only MEN are SUPPOSED to do that!

see? see? slippery slope hahahaha.

women are SUPPOSED/EXPECTED to be able to know that killing your babies is wrong!

THEY DONT KNOW ANY BETTER!

THEY CANT BE EXPECTED TO ACT ANY BETTER!

THEYRE INCAPABLE OF being responsible, accountable, full mature adults!

well yeah a lot of them ARE tho.

if i actually hung out more women who WERE mature adults then i would see that literally NOT ALL WOMEN are immature bratty children.

then i would probably fall in luv with them and they would treat me like a bratty child would hahahaha.

prof linehan spent years in a psych ward for schizo and got tons of thorazine and electroshock, but she still did well with her life. they said she was schizo but she thinks she was actually Borderline.

im really not sure which is worse. both are horrible. schizo is TECHNICALLY worse probably, but i still think borderline is FOOKING AWFUL.

anyway if DBT can work on FOOKING AWFUL serious shit, then it stands to reason that it could work on more pleb garden variety shit tier stuff. babbys first mental disorder like despair or anxiety hahahaha.

which is more of a spiritual or moral disorder hahahaha. ok, how about “EMOTIONAL”. i would def agree on that term. i mean what is “mental” anyway.

took some nyquil. probably dont have to!

got a list of things i should study before starting the job in over 2 weeks. programs and shit.  i wanted to make a good impression with the boss. told him i want to HIT THE GROUND RUNNING so theres as little of a learning curve as possible and that i can study as much shit as possible in the 2 weeks before i start. here is muh cell phone number and personal email boss, you can give them to the other people on the team.

can i log into my account. did the admit set up my account yet. i would do it myself if i could, but uh thats a OpSec AppSec NetSec issue, we cant all be admins hahaha you as a phd would understand. i dont need to tell you this boss. but i know you know, and i want you to know i know you know.

had a dream last night that featured andrew anglin, and, in a cameo appearance, weev. i was in a bookstore or comic book store that was owned by anglin. he regularly came in and did honest work in the store, selling his books and dealing with angry asshole customers. i said to the other customers, dont you know who that little guy is? thats anglin man, he owns this store, he’s done all this great work for our race, i should say something to him. i was too scared to approach him since he appeared focused on work and wasnt talking to anyone. weevs cameo was as an assistant of anglin. they were calling peoples names who had orders. he called my name for like the 3rd time as i came to receive the 3rd or so book i had ordered. this one was the autobiography of anglin himself, which looked like a fun book with plenty of graphic novel / comic type illustrations.

that was about it. i didnt talk to anglin OR weev.

anyway both of these guys should write books, incl autobiographies, id buy them and read them.

its possible anglin is currently in the US. of course i cant blame him for being circumspect about where he currently is. he also has a very qt blond gf, total 8/10 at least. good for him. he is shorter than ME but he is WAYYYYY more manly than me. i mean look at all the good he’s done with his LIFE. i ADMIRE him.

i hope he doesnt go crazy when his gf dumps him. i hope she is nice to him when she dumps him. i hope she doesnt dump him, and they get married and have 5 children!!!!!!!!!!

but he and me have similar dim views of women. and i dont want that to keep him from meeting a good woman. i bet he has faced a lot of humiliating rejection from women in his life, and so i sympathize with him greatly.

no proof. just speculation because he is really short and he has a knee jerk negative attitude about women. but TOO MANY ARE huge sluts!

but if he (I) didnt get rejected more than he got Luved, then he wouldnt even THINK about all those sluts. those rejecting sluts, who say yes to everyone else, but NO to manlets like us hahahaha.

well i dont WANT a woman who says YES to everyone else…….well i dont want them for the mother of muh children. but i might want them right NOW for the short term because i havent been with a woman in 11 years hahaha.

hehehehe

get therapy, work on yourself for at least 10 more years and you cant date anyone until you are 100% fixed, prepare for 10-20 years, or a lifetime of, incel hahahaha

you cant date until youre perfect. women can date even when they are batshit imperfect. because women can get pregnant. this is right and just.

i just wish women were LESS HARSH to the men they arent attracted to. accept that this is a person and not a disgusting vermin hahaha. of course hes not entitled to you to like him back. just dont PUNISH him for having the AUDACITY to LIKE you. its not the end of the damn world. he isnt commiting a damn CRIME.  its like EXECUTING someone for going 6 over the speed limit. It’s like sawing a persons face off while they’re alive and screaming, for doing a lane change with not enough turn signalling. punishment does not fit the crime.

i was referring to this horrible shock video of a mexican drug cartel torturing and killing this guy by slowly tearing his face off while he is still conscious hahaha. I AINT WATCHIN DAT SHIT N199A.jpg hahahahaha.

no i never watched it. i just read a thread about it. 10 years ago, i would have been tempted to watch it. now, hell no.

buy new balance shoes and products because they are hated by leftists and try to make a lot of their products in the US and have not sold out to CHINA. and a ton of shitlibs are boycotting new balance, and nationalists and rights are openly wearing new balance as a signal. DO IT.

yeah i know its wayyyyyyy too expensive if youre a neet. or even if you are not a neet but just a normie making 12 bucks an hour and pay 800 bucks a month for rent and 1000 bucks a month for college loans and 300 bucks a month for car and 300 bucks a month for health care and 100 bucks a month for cable and 100 bucks a month for utilities.

thats 2600 bucks every month for expenses. at at 12 dollars an hour, you only MAKE 2400 bucks at 50 hours a week, WAGIE. so how can you AFFORD to spend 80 bucks on a pair of PRO WHITE SHOES.

 

 

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SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE

feb 25

more rumination and obsession hahaha : she was very good at being a friend. we were good friends, it was so natural and smooth. therefore i thought she would be the SAME WAY in the role of GF. i saw great potential. with her longterm BF, she talked and commnicated with him and tried to resolve their issues like an average maturity adult. i had no reason to believe she would be any different with me when WE had problems.

but she was. i thought if she needed to reject me, she would be FRIENDLY about it, the way she was always very friendly to me. and would say “AW. AWWWWWW. THATS SO SWEET. YOUR SUCH A NICE GUY. but im SORRY, i just dont feel that way. Lets Just Be Friends.” pat me on the head and give me a cookie. that would have been sooooooooooooo much better than what happened. oh god i would have LOVED that kind of rejection.

but yeah point is, i was caught OFF GUARD, completely unprepared for this. did not see this coming AT ALL. i never knew her to act like this. with me, or with people she was close to. she was super friendly and nice to me all the time. i KNOW that doesnt mean she was INTERESTED!!!!! im not that much of a woman hater hahahaha. but i DID think that gave me a REASONABLE EXPECTATION that she would continue to be nice, friendly, and mature to me when it came time for her to respond to muh feelings for her.

heh. married at first sight. i totally called it with decision day. nice normie white boy david and his bitch wife, white girl but ugly and bitchy, he was better looking than her, he was out of her league, he was too good for her, well i totally CALLED it: he would say yes, she would say no. like a train wreck in slow motion. he was such a naively optimistic normie. such a positive normie attitude. just a nice good guy, bit of a beta doormat, but successful in career (“Director of Sales” for software company) and a friendly, nice, generous, kind, warm, caring, good personality. she was a total closed off bitch that never gave him a chance, never lifted a finger, and accused him of something he did not do: lying and betraying her. OH GOD its SO Frustrating to be accused of lying when youre NOT LYING.

itd be ONE THING if you had a pattern of being BLATANTLY CAUGHT IN LIES. but he wasnt!!! she was just disproportionately angry at him because he messaged a gurl on facebook. shit. like she never messaged guys on facebook. she INSISTED it was a “DATE”, and he insisted no, its NOT a date, i wanted to hang out with HER so we could talk about YOU and I might get some insight on YOU and how to communicate with YOU because you wont communicate with me. which was the TRUTH! and yet his wife refused to believe the truth. the situation was infuriating and pathetic. then he pathetically tries to “win back her trust” even though he did nothing wrong.

it was such a painful situation to watch, and i felt so sorry for him, doing all the work, being unjustly painted as the bad guy, while she did no work, refused to open up to him, completely shut down and checked out, and she was DONE at that moment, her NO decision was made.

hehehehe there were parallels with my own situation. but My Woman was younger and better looking than this bitch hahahahahah. also she used to be much much nicer. she was super nice at one point, like a female version of david. then she became an ice queen like ashley the ugly stone cold bitch.

so yeah i felt great sympathy and empathy and luv for poor david, getting shit on and thrown away like a piece of garbage. i could not even look at them as they gave their decisions. and it went exactly as i predicted. immed afterwards david gave some REAL talk: his optimism was crushed and he had a realistic view of things: i was doing all the work, i was fully committed, and she wasnt. she wasnt willing to give me an inch, and she had checked out long ago. damn right. i felt like Reaching Out to David and emailing him. bringing back my twitter account so I could tweet at him words of moral support hahahaha. i still might. bringing my twitter back would be a good idea in 2016 hahaha.

it SUCKS to be accused of something you didnt do. not really talking about false raep, because then the woman clearly knows SHE’s lying. but when the woman is under a misunderstanding, a delusion, that you did something you really didnt. then YOU want to stand up and defend yourself and prove yourself innocent. which makes you look even more guilty to them. its SO horrible.

my pushing her, and her avoiding me, was ahorrible vicious circle, and both fed into each other. i pushed her because she avoided me, she avoided me because i pushed her.  i didnt calculate that she would avoid me so much. so then i laid down and took it like a beeta, saying ok baby, ill give you time and space, whatever you want to make you happy. bad move. after a few weeks of space, i couldnt take it any more and started pushing again.

pushing isnt great but i dont think its a cardinal sin. but women sure do. i would like to work on my pushiness in the future.

see im not ALWAYS pushy. only when a gurl i luv is avoiding me. which does not happen often. normally i am not pushy at all. i dont get so invested and committed to something that i even WANT to push.

what i should have done was not be pushy but be ASSERTIVE: say: “baby, this ends now. this has got to end. i cant take this any more. i feel disrespected and avoided. we need to talk ASAP. stop avoiding me and lets schedule a solid time to talk, and i will be very disappointed if you back out again. THIS ENDS NOW. I DONT let people treat me like this. like garbage. I wont let YOU treat me like that. this ends now.”

did i mention Stahlgewitter is a very catchy RAC band with a fairly metal approach and a very commanding singer. i dont speak or understand german tho hahahaha. anyway they will ABSOLUTELY get your blood pumping. good anti despair music hahahaha.

techincally there WAS a kind of red flag: the fact that she began avoiding me in like december or so. as soon as she started avoiding hanging out with me. that was the red flag. i didnt think she would be such a big avoider but boy was i wrong. anyway the fact that she avoided me so stubbornly WAS the red flag that she might pull the ULTIMATE coup de grace of avoidance, and she did: cut me off entirely. crash the plane with no survivors. well except for her hahahaha she survived quite nicely.

so yeah there was kind of a red flag, but NO WAY was I in the right mind to see it. i was idealizing her, and holding on to blind hope.

you know why you cant have casual sex?

because SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE.

Casual Sex doesnt really exist.

unless you have had SO MUCH of Aborted Intimacy that you have burned out all your oxytocin and CANT FEEL intimacy any more. then you can have casual sex.

and THIS is what you WANT???

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

so you go through the motions of REPRODUCTION, of LIFE CREATION, with a man you dont even know. you’re willing to roll that dice? take that risk? that seems like such a big, stupid, horrible risk to take! and so many women do it! idiots! sluts! degenerates! sodomites! absolutely disgusting! and its SAD too, when these are white gurls who were once nice, once had potential, and just threw THEMSELVES away like a piece of garbage.

its a terrible feeling when you have a caller on hold with a problem, and you dont understand the problem, and you just DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. you have to fix the problem, but you dont know how to fix the problem, you dont understand the problem, you dont know what to tell them. and the only help you can get is from a monosyllabic higher up in a chat room that doesnt really explain things either. you have to FIGURE IT OUT how to explain it to the caller, and there will probably be a decent amount of BULLSHIT in there. you dont like to bullshit people, but you’re bullshit because there’s nothing else you CAN do. you must bullshit to survive. one call at a time, one day at a time. i cant go back to that style of work!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate not knowing what im doing, not knowing what to say to people, and having to come up with bullshit! cuz it SOUNDS liek obvious bullshit!

i try to be honest, i like being honest…..but i also dont like giving bad news, especially when i dont really understand it, or how to explain it. then i try to candy coat it with bullshit.

if you ask for help, they will tell you just read the shitty article till you understand it. thanks. i will do that when i get home and dont have to answer calls all day. sometimes they will be nice and try to explain it in actual english. but it will be an unclear explanation, because they dont have time for you. they really dont. they are too busy. there needs to be more of THEM to help you and your level 1 team idiots. but there simply ARENT ENOUGH people who know the shit at a deep level, because they all leave for Better Jobs ASAP. There are literally not enough people who know how things work.

how can you fix shit if you dont know how it works? youd be surprised. you just go through the motions, do band aid fixes, pass the buck, throw spaghetti at the wall, and sometimes shit sticks, but you dont know WHY. you just keep barreling through the cases and throwing spaghetti, and only 2 guys know how stuff really works, and theres no WAY you’re getting THEM on the phone to talk to callers directly. they’ve earned the privilege to not have to be down there in the trenches.

and i cant stick around without having a nervous breakdown long enough to earn that privileged position! it takes at least a few years!

but its funny. regarding the woman. it really does take an internal mental effort and does not involve her at all. but its not fookin easy. switching from the mindset of: she hates me, i did something wrong, to, she does not HATE me, i did nothing wrong, she just couldnt deal with pressure and ran away in the worst possible way.

its a simpler explanation and a BETTER explanation, but ive had a hard time accepting it. but i really SHOULD, for my long term health.

but it also has its own risks, like it tempts me to contact her again: oh if she doesnt HATE me, then maybe we could REKINDLE. NOPE. DO NOT DO THIS. it would be ANOTHER trainwreck.

SHE would have to show some interest, some initiative, put HER self out there like i did; put the ball in MY court, like i put the ball in HER court over and over and over again, and she just avoided it.

she can contact me, but i shouldnt contact her.

and she 99.99999999999999999999999999% wont contact me hahahaha.

but yeah its also good to not feel hated. hated by the one you still love. hahahaha. i mean really i have no proof for anything so why not believe the one thats both simpler, and better.

oh yeah. that bitch ashley, when the shrinks pushed her for more detail on why she was choosing Divorce from the white knight david, kept coming back to the facebook incident of how it broke her trust in him. great i thought. now shes essentially BLAMING HIM, and he, unless he is very emotionally strong, and HOW CAN YOU be emotionally strong after someone you’re invested in DUMPS you, well he might start blaming himself and thinking he did something wrong, and feel even WORSE. insult on top of injury. how DARE she blame him like that.

uhh as far as the other couples, i dont care as much, david and bitch ashley was the couple i was most interested in. neil and samantha would be next. i have to give her a little credit, she made some honest changes over the 6 weeks (wayyyy too short of a time period for this show) and went from being a total bitch, to being more loving and supportive and committed, so good for her. i actually think she might say yes at this point. neil is a total autistic bitchboi who i used to sorta like, now im not so sure. i actually think he could go either way. cuz he is just SO autistic, hes not merely an unmasculine beta, hes just fooking too weird. he might just say no to her, which is why she goes running out of the room.

as far as the black couple i dont really care about them, but they seem like the couple most likely to succeed, BUT i still dont trust HER, she might well say NO. cant really tell with her. shes nice to him most of the time but her “trust issues” and such might make her say no like a bitch. he will probably say yes. they are both fairly white acting blacks. they could work out well if SHE says yes. and he does seem trustworthy enough for her to say yes.

but yeah its just very difficult and takes a long time to get over someone you LOVED, they rejected you HORRIBLY, and you had a REAL longterm relationship with them.

its impossible to really get to know someone in 6 weeks. maybe you can get infatuated. and dont get me wrong, infatuation is strong, its real, it can very often be the beginning of real, true love. in fact i beleive you need infatuation to get to love. but you dont really know the person. that takes time.

with HER, i got to know her FIRST, and THEN came the infatuation MUCH later. but i already KNEW her, so the infatuation quickly turned to full blown luv. damn.

heh. funny. when i first met her, i was like, welp im GLAD she has a BF, because i could never date her. shes a nice sweet gurl but shes got too much baggage, i really dont want to deal with all that.

funny that as i got to know her, i decided that i COULD put up with the baggage. just as long as she wasnt a damn slut with a slut past. and she wasnt. and as it sunk in that she was REALLY done with her longterm BF, my feelings started to change. like yeah why SHOULDNT i try dating her. we get along great, we are good friends, we get along so well, have a lot in common, her baggage really is not a big deal any more, she’s not a slut, lets fookin do it, take the plunge. anddddddd then it turned out she was dating a new guy instead. and in the time that it took to scratch my head over that, she was done with HIM, due to his bad behavior. she said she was heartbroken.

this was kinda a warning sign too: how could she be OVER the first BF so quickly? how could she be in LOVE with a new guy so quickly? a guy who is a complete scumbag and probably gave her some diseases? i mean choosing him was a REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY bad shitty decision on her part. also the fact that he was nonwhite. oh GOD. BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL. I hated that. how could such a sweet nice gurl i was falling in luv with, make SUCH BAD DECISIONS?????!!?!?!?!?!?!

its sad to see someone you know and luv, make such bad shitty decisions. self destructive, embarrassing, degenerate shit. to see a good person go bad. that alone is very sad and breaks your heart. she is really at A Crossroads. she can either keep going down this path, which would be bad and sad, but now i kinda want her to destroy herself as Karma for how she destroyed me hahahaha. and i hate to think of her going down the right path and being a beautiful wonderful wife to some other super lucky guy.  when i wanted her to be my wonderful perfect wife hahahaha.

she was never a slut. she never got into Hard Drugs or Pills. These were probably the biggest risks to a gurl in her situation. BUT she experimented with Coal Burning. Oh Dear God. I mean that should be enough right? ESPECIALLY for me, since i am SO disgusted with coal burning. why would i even want to get NEAR her after that?!?!?!?! even if the guy is light skinned and white acting as opposed to a black as coal bix nood dindu nuffin hood rat? a barbaric tyrone with sagging pants who sets white gurls on fire and burns them alive? but rather a smooth talking charming will smith type? you should STILL know better than to fall for a smooth talking will smith type!!!!!!! i know you didnt have a father to teach you better!! but your mother is all right! what did SHE have to say about this??!??!?!?!

heh. so while i am kinda ashamed that i would have been so WILLING to forgive a COAL BURNER……that was how much i luved her. but i am still absolutely disgusted by coal burning.

it was just SO WEIRD. because she wasnt a slut, and this was the First Time she ever did such a thing. i mean i dont know for CERTAIN…..but im still pretty sure. trust me hahahaha.

in 2008 i think i was still a shitlib and voted for i dont even want to say his name. barry the darkie commie.

in 2012 i voted for mitt the mormon titt but i probably should have just thrown my vote away on ron paul hahahaha. point is, sometime between 08 and 12 i Turned. probably very much influenced by barry’s first term in office. i already had some of the red pills. i think prior to 08 i might have been discovering MRA, i definitely knew about Game, but i thought it was bad and a woman hating lie. but i appreciated MRA. but i didnt know what was degenerate and what was not. i couldnt articulate it. deep down i think i understood it though. that the idea of game and average PUAs were fookin muh dick degenerates. only roissy had the right idea, but he pretends to be QUITE the degenerate. deep down i think he wants a return to tradition and nondegeneracy. a writer like dalrock and maybe….i cant remember if its athol kay or rollo tomassi, that is about married game, longterm rel game. maybe even vox day touches on this a bit. vox day is generally a pretty good right wing thinker, but game is not his focus.

i was so into game and mra and mgtow because i was/am obsessed with women. women women women women women all the time. it was only the idea of Race that eventually pulled me away from women women women women women and got me to see the bigger picture. well thats not entirely true. bernard chapin helped me understand the big picture. hes a big picture mra/mgtow who understands the proper place of that movement: in the Right. and how feminism and moral decay is all part of Leftism, Cultural Marxism. and, like me, he is absolutely obsessed with women women women women women. i will always luv uncle bern, he was a big influence to me until just recently. when i really started getting into race. which he just doesnt touch. never mind the JQ. however he is good on mocking white privilege types, and he defends whites pretty strongly. but i would like to see him go even further. and i dont think he will. i feel bad for him that he hasnt found a decent woman yet and become a father. that would be a great thing for him to do. but hes already like 45 years old. not too old but….it DOES get harder to find a decent woman as you get older, and if SHES older, its harder for her to have children.

i dunno. if anyone can do it, he can. he deserves it. i just wouldnt want him to race mix with like a latina or something. i worry about that hahahahahahahahaha.

anyway hes a great guy with thousands of videos and i cant not recommend him. he was a big part of muh education. i even wrote him a Fan Email once and he responded to me and mentioned me in a video hahahaha. i was honored.

but i also liked the race stuff i was reading elsewhere. also i didnt want to be SO obsessed with women and i was starting to have doubts about mgtow. previous i was a hardcore proud mgtow. after a while i started to feel it was silly, and borderline woman hating. or at least anti-woman. and a lot of it IS. now there is some divide in the mgtow community, some will say you dont need to AVOID women, thats not what its about. i guess these would be the old mgtows. the NEWER mgtows are more extreme and hate women and shun women and want to have robotic wombs for reproduction. batshit crazy.

also i liked the idea of Traditionalists. some in the manosphere mocked “Tradcons” but i didnt see what the problem was.

anyway, long story short, i think SOME in the Manosphere would fit in well with the Alt Right, some but not all. not degenerates like roosh. i think forney might have the right idea and i liked in mala fide back in the DAY and i like some of forneys stuff even now. but he still has some degen tendencies that he needs to fix. plus im concerned he really may be a woman hater. i wish he would “just” find a decent woman, that would help him stop being a woman hater. but it is VERY hard to find a decent woman, well, to attract and keep a decent woman i should say. i cant do it either hahahaha. but i can totally empathize with forney. hes a little race conscious but he needs to be even moreso.

then theres aurini. yeah i guess by 2015-6 hes in a bit of a circle with forney, aaron clarey, and uncle bern. supposedly aurini was a huge degenerate and had secs with his friends wife. that is pretty sleazy. i dont know his position on this. ideally he would repent. also he seems like a possible woman hater.

again i cant judge, i totally understand woman haters, i might even be one myself hahahaha. definitely borderline. i dont really WANT to hate women. but i keep getting hosed by women. a lot of that is my fault…..well no more than 50% is my fault hahahaha. i have truly been unlucky with women. but maybe im PICKING the wrong women? but men dont pick women, women pick men! well, i was putting myself out there to be picked by the wrong women then. i wanted the wrong women.  i dunno. at least half of muh women have been good women, decent picks, not crazy whores. this last woman was a great woman, she just utterly HOSED me when she rejected me, she didnt HAVE to do it THAT badly. that was truly unlucky on my part, not that i picked the WRONG woman.

but yeah i really feel At Home now in 2016 on the Pro-White Alt-Right, it has everything i’m looking for and none of what i dont: anti degeneracy, anti sluts, anti feminism, anti marxism, pro tradition, pro whites, JQ aware, its just the perfect package for me, and right now, TRS is my go to for that type of stuff, and has one of the best forums i’ve ever seen. i really appreciate they are not women haters, and many of them are Married, and have Children. this is the thing I could never get out of MGTOW and MRA. they were too anti marriage and never talked about being fathers. just how their bitch ex wife ruined their lives and took their children.

yes that happens and it sucks and its why we NEED MRA and MGTOW. but ive just had too much of that and need to know that men and women can still get together and have good families. the idea of marriage and children is increasingly important to me as i get older. i would LUV to find a good wife and have some children. this is not a large emphasis in MRA/MGTOW at all. they might defer to Game/PUA on how to deal with women…….and 95% of that is FOOKING DEGENERATE, and also says All Women Are Like That, when i would HOPE that Some Women are Like That (degen sluts), but Some Arent (Decent Marriagable Traditional Women.)

so yeah i would like to see MUCH more nondegen Game writing, like Dalrock i guess. Marriage game, monogamy game, traditional game, wife game. words that sound ridiculous when paired with “game.” hahahaha Friends First Game. White Wife Game. 14 Words Game. Virgin Game.

yeah. its just sad to see 45 year old men who dont have a wife and children. they have to feel like theyre missing something. i know i would. maybe im imposing my attitude on that. but i think bernard would be a good father for sure. clarey probably would. and even aurini and forney have the potential to be  good fathers. even fooking ROOSH, the ultradegen kabob hahaha.  if they “JUST” found a good woman and started having keeds. i think they would rise to the occasion, and be better, less degenerate men for it. its just what they need!!!!!

maybe me getting older and thinking about Being A Father more precipitated my Ideological Move towards something more family-oriented, less degenerate. im sure it did actually.

as far as the Meaning Of Life, I think having Children and raising them is as close to the Meaning Of Life as we are gonna find. i mean this is pretty obvious once you get to be a certain age. its what we were put on this earth to do.

yeah its HARD to raise kids and even if we have good intentions and try our best and give our kids all they need, they still turn out to be screwups hahahaha. like some of us hahahaha. what shame we must bring on our families hahahaha. and we cant blame them. they tried their best. they gave us everything. they worried and worried and lost sleep and stressed out over whether or not they were raising us right, and they gave it every ounce of effort they had. MOST of the time this is more than enough to raise a child to successful adulthood. they get a job, achieve things in life, meet a mate, have some children of their own. others of us take a more circuitous route hahahahaha.

but yeah i have OBVIOUSLY reached the age where i am in my “dad phase” and i feel like DAMN, i should have had some KIDS by now. so there IS a kind of biological clock for men, for me at least.

yet ive done nothing with my life after college, i have been stuck for the past 11 years hahahaha. never got an acceptable job, never found a good wife, never had children. now a job is a necessary evil which im not passionate about, but i am very passionate about women, especially finding a wife essentially: a long term monogamous committed relationship. wife is good shorthand term for that. i dont care if the mgtow faggots start reeeeeeeeeeeeeing hahahahaha. i want a wife and i want a GOOD one. not some piece of shit slut coalburner single mom hahahahaha with shitty tattoos or any tattoos really.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. SHE, that WOMAN, didnt have any tattoos on her lovely white skin!!!!!!! which, considering her unfortunate background, is pleasantly surprising; considering she was almost predestined to become a slut, get shitty tattoos, become a single mom, get addicted to drugs or pills, just become a total white trash degenerate in other words. just the worst white trailer trash. and she avoided all those traps. except for the coalburning. she might not even do that again cuz she might have learned her lesson!!!!!!!!

lotta good it does me though, if she has no feelings for me, no interest in me, no will to be with me and make it work. it takes two baby. team work to make the dream work hahahahahaha.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/Calories-burned-in-30-minutes-of-leisure-and-routine-activities.htm

working at the tech support call center, i always felt overwhelmed, put upon, flustered, freaking out, i dont know what im doing, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to do my job, i dont know what to tell them, just tell me what to do and i will do it, nope doesnt work that way, just figure it out and do something fast. drink lots of coffee, have lots of watery coffee poops, i dont know how im gonna make it to lunch, i dont know how im gonna come back from lunch and finish the rest of my shift, oh god im done, but i gotta go this again tomorrow. and the day after that, and after that, and after that. ive gotta go home and study everything i dont understand, which is everything.

you almost NEEDED drugs to take the edge off every day. something to relax you and clear your mind. for a while i was taking MJ every day and it kinda worked for this purpose. but its degen and bad to take MJ every day. its no way to be.

a better way to be would be to work out like a madman. there were a couple of those types there, and they were in damn good shape. a few guys were practically Bodybuilders, just ripped. and im sure the stress from the job contributed to their working out so hard. get out of a long stressful shift and just go to the gym and go nuts. work out all weekend. hard to do if you have kids, which most people did.

other people were just fat slobs who went home and played vidya games, ate shitty food, drank a ton of soda, and were obese couch/chair potatoes. muching away at their mcdonalds and drinking tons of soda at their desks while working.

there were a LOT of anime nerds and vidya nerds. all about anime and fooking computer games, not just damn console games like the plebs.

there was one guy who was pretty fat and super nerdy, into computer games and anime. but he was very happy and cheerful and chill, and had a suprisingly good looking WIFE.

other animu nerds were just straight up lonely neckbeard virgins and just seemed despairing and sad and lonely. i felt pretty sorry for them.

some people drank too much on the weekends. you couldnt really drink on work nights because this is not the type of job you can do hungover.

some jobs you can do hungover. some jobs you can do while smoking MJ all day ON THE JOB. this was not one of those jobs.

but one guy, who was pretty chill, he would go out to his car on breaks and do MJ Dabs, then come right back in and Work His Cases and deal with people. i dont know how he did it. he was a real nice guy but i heard he did meth or coke sometimes too.

anyway you had to learn to not let it GET to you. some people had that down. and would just stuff their fat faces and get fatter. i was too stressed out to even EAT. i didnt learn that crucial lesson.

after like 4 months it started to get better. i could eat, i wasnt freaking out as much, me and the woman sat near each other and got along as good as ever.

but as shit started to go downhill with her, stuff also intensified on the job front, and i was more stressed out there. and stressed out with her. and jealous that she seemed to be handling the job stress better than me. and that she was less willing to be friendly to me. becuase i was pushing her and being too needy and needing too much support.

i took the tech cases very seriously, too seriously, and she didnt take them seriously enough. i was jealous of her laid back approach. this probably came from her being an MJ addict. she would take MJ on her off time, as did I, but i was still very uptight when i came in to work. she wasnt. i quizzed her with job related questions that were eating me up, and she just laughed them off. and in the end she stayed sane, kept the job, and might even get a damn promotion. or get a better job. fook her hahahaha.

i GUESS its GOOD to be gone from that ridiculous job. i just wish it hadnt happened that way. me being so unable to deal with the damn woman at the job, which led me to not being able to really DO the job.

i was sort of doing the job though. scraping by at the bare minimum. it was impossible to do any better. i thought shit would be better since i was off of Inbound Phones. and technically it WOULD have been a lot better. shit just got SO bad with her, i couldnt even do the nonphone job. to be fair there was stress with that job too. it was a super involved project where so much unpredictable unknown shit could go wrong…..and did. it was impossible to prepare for all that went wrong. you had to take it as it came, and wing it. other people were moving a lot faster than i was, either because they were cutting corners, or i was going too slow and not multitasking enough. prob a combination of both. i think there was a decent amount of corner cutting there. i did a little bit of it myself. it made you look more efficient, and efficiency was all that mattered.

i probably WAS leaning on her more than i should have for the moral support on the job. but i sorta stopped that, and began to rely more on other people. but i was still bitter at her for not being WILLING to support. its not like she didnt know how the job was. you just had to dig deep within yourself and find your happy place. i couldnt do that as well as she could. PLUS she was certainly aware of the tension between us. she was and i was. so even our small talk was Charged with some amount of tension, of the elephant in the room. the elephant in every interaction, every chat with her.

then she yelled at me once when i came to visit her. so i stopped visiting her, but i felt angry that she wouldnt even let me visit her once a day at the end of my shift to just say goodbye. i thought we were friends! now i cant even VISIT you? what the fook!!!!!! she was right over there, but i was banned from visiting her. i was still allowed to talk to her on chat though. fooking fantastic. what a blessing. what a gift.

on one hand, we WERE chained to our desks, so it WAS normal for people to use the chat program to chat with somebody seated 10 feet away. we didnt have the luxury of just getting up and talking to someone. because we were chained to our desks and had to answer calls or answer chats and finish as many cases as quickly as possible. but to not even take 2 minutes to say hi on lunch or before leaving?

oh yeah. another thing i didnt like was, i always visited her, and she NEVER visited me. she NEVER came over to MY area before her shift or on her break just to Say Hi or Bye to ME. i forgot about that. but its a great indicator of disinterest from her, and how there was a huge imbalance in the rel. she could have visited ME sometimes. also its not like i was trying to distract her from her work. i knew everyone was super busy all the time and you cant even really have small talk because youre focused on the current case, trying to pay attention to the caller or chatter. so really i was just trying to say hi or bye or how are you today and nothing more.

well the one time she yelled at me i WAS being kind of ridiculous on that instance.

but i still wish we talked about that incident. i kinda wanted her to apologize for overreacting. and it was an opportune time to discuss the Problems in our Rel.

but again i am kinda a confrontation avoider too. but she was even WORSE.

the best thing i could have done there was step up and be assertive, because she sure wasnt gonna. and say, THIS ENDS NOW.

instead i apologized for being weird and pushy to her, and secretly hoped she would apologize for yelling at me.

it wasnt really YELLING. you couldnt really make a scene there. but it was the most DIRECT thing she ever communicated to me with words: would you please leave now. just leave.

i was so shocked i couldnt respond, and i just left. and then apologized to her like a bitch over chat at the end of the day, although i was waiting for her to chat with me FIRST and apologize to me hahahahaha. of course she didnt. cuz it was all my fault.

to be fair i didnt act like a MAN and ASSERT MYSELF. i was essentially giving her permission to WALK ALL OVER ME, and by god she did, and showed me all the disrespect you would give a DOORMAT. i was a DOORMAT.

and when is a woman gonna give a DOORMAT the benefit of the doubt.

i dunno. i just women werent so hard on doormats hahahahaha. besides we were friends. i wish she said why are you being a doormat, dont be that way. and i wish i had been more assertive and stood up for myself.

i can totally understand why women, why people, dont respect doormats. but i wonder if they actually gave respect to the doormat, then the doormat might stop being a doormat.

but doormats dont deserve respect!

BUT i was thinking probably that because we were friends, yes i did deserve more respect as part of our friendship! maybe i wasnt a doormat, maybe i was just going through a rough patch and needed her to be there for me, support me, show me love and respect. or to hang out with me sometime. to want to spend time with me. rather than me being restricted to just chatting with her at work. thats not what a real friendship looks like!!!!!!

real friends hang out with each other!!!! are there for each other!!!!! end the friendship in a friendly way!!!!!

i mean i wasnt ALWAYS a doormat with her. we had a PAST! a HISTORY! a FOUNDATION! ROOTS!!!! and she just seemed to be disregarding all that. well yeah. she was distancing. she was ending the rel right then and there, checking out.

and its true i was acting different. then she acted different. and that was a fookin vicious circle.

TECHNICALLY SHE could have said THIS ENDS NOW. but she was not the type to do that. therefore the responsibility fell on me. plus the man SHOULD do that.

well she DIDNT need to say this ends now, she COULD HAVE just said YES i will hang out with you, lets hang out saturday and chill out and talk. THAT is something even a woman should be able to do. yes i accept your invitation to hang out. which i was asking her every 2 weeks so as not to be too pushy. hahahaha. a pushy doormat.

wanna hang out this weekend. maybe. ill text you and let you know. no text. talk to her on monday. how was you weekend. oh good. no comment on how she didnt text me. and i was too pussy to say THIS ENDS NOW. then friday say what are you doing this weekend? wanna hang out? we couldnt hang out last weekend you never texted me. oh yeah sorry abotu that. this weekend i dunno. ill text you if i can.  AND SO ON. it could have easily gone on longer than 10 months hahahahaha.

so yeah not my finest hour but i would have appreciated a LITTLE BIT of concern and effort from her. anything. just hang out with me for 2 hours. 3 would be better. ill buy you dinner. please please please please.

yeah its pathetic. i guess in the past i was a doormat to women as well. its so rarely i am interested in a woman so i forgot that when i am, i can be pushy, and a doormat. either way i have to stop doing that shit, and start ASSERTING myself, saying THIS ENDS NOW.

although next time i get interested in a woman, so much time will have passed, that i will have forgotten that i have a bad habit to become a doormat when i am interested in women hahahaha. since i only get interested in women once every 3 years hahahaha.

AVOIDER

1015

shit. hahahaha. had terrible headache when i went to bed last night. that did not keep me from thinking about you know who. took tylenol and eventually got to sleep and no more headche in the morning thank GOD.

i thought well maybe if i see her Running Around with Other Guys, that will help me Get Over her quicker.

well it would definitely make me jealous! because they get to have her and i dont! because she likes them and doesnt like me! and i would get angry and jealous and call her a “fooking whore” probably etc. and then i would really be able to make her the bad guy. it would make her real easy to hate. no better way to smash the pedestal than to see you One And Only whoring it up with other guys and loving it!

i mean thats a womans right, just like its her right not to like you. but its also my right to be heartbroken and jealous hahahaha.

but im kinda glad i dont have to see that. its bad enough to think about it!

but thats not what i asked, i asked (basically) would adding that new short term pain help shorten the long term pain in the end? maybe.  i dont really want any more short term pain though!!!!

i had long term feelings for her, so of COURSE its gonna hurt for a long time, and take a long time to fully get over.

but it did occur to me that, believe it or not, she had never been in this position before. of having to reject a guy who liked her. of having to end a relationship. i think pretty much she has always been the dumpee, which is weird for women. but she has never been put in the position of wanting to end a rel because she doesnt like the person. this was all very new to her. she didnt know what to do, so she did it in the worst way possible, which was also the easiest. easy way out.

also she is a classic avoider, no doubt about that. conflict avoiding. so am i, but shes even worse.

a good metaphor is an ABORTION, she essential just got an Abortion on the Relationship. now an abortion usually does cause some pain and guilt to the person doing it. but basically you are conveniently and controversially “GETTING RID OF” something just because you can. dont deal with it, you know you CANT deal with it…..so get rid of it. and she knew she couldnt deal wiht it. the situation with me. so she just got rid of me.

maybe feels bad for a few days and then 3 months later is certainly out fooking guys hahahahaha. while 3 months later i am still thinking about her all the damn time. but then i had 900000000 times deeper feelings for her than she did for me. yep it was basically like every other stupid thing i had with any woman! the 2 good years of friendship just didnt matter apparently.

that really sucks. i do not often get along with a woman that well, have that level of comfort. hadnt happened in years. i was not that comfortable or close with the previous woman. we never got that close. with w15 i got a kind of appreciation from her that i was simply not at all used to. genuine feminine warmth and kindness. you know, that thing men appreciate about women besides their Looks. what basically makes a Good Personality for a Woman: is not being SMART or CLEVER, is not being fun and exciting, is not being a Nymphomaniac, but simply being Nice and Pleasant and Warm and Kind and Gentle and Supportive and Nurturing and Loyal and Loving. and Faithful. same thing as loyal hahahaha.

anyway so i think i will never get over her. i thougth the same thing about every other damn bitch. hahahaha.

“BBBBBUT this one is DIFFERENT! she was different! i thought she was THE ONE! I loved her MORE!”

well, i sorta thought that about some of the other women too. i was crazy in love with them and have the Adverse Repercussions to prove it! bad shit went down! i went crazy!

bbbbbut she REALLY IS different because i was CLOSEST to her. i had some kind of actual relationship with her, in the form of a 2 year friendship, rather than just 2 months of fake dating and then were done.

well that is true. i did get to know her as a person for a long period of time. it was a form of a long term relationship. and its true i never had this happen before in this way. have a long term friendship with a woman, then fall in luv with her. there is a lot of NEW experiences and new pain hahahaha. but it is still reasonable to think i will get over it.

it WILL take a long time though. might take the longest time ever considering the Importance and Length of the Rel.

so how long will it take? what was the longest it took me to Get Over a woman?

well shit at LEAST a year. but in some of those cases, i was prolonging the pain by not doing No COntact. i would still see the woman and pine for them.

well at least i dont do THAT any more!

from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCrjyUZGtZc

QUOTE from comment on above youtube video, bolding by moi

Karol Kolbusz 4 days ago
I recommend all of you to read Kierkegaard’s “Sickness unto death”. When people face with despair (depression), which is a sign of awakening of their personality, they tend to avoid that problem by…becoming someone else, that they are actually not.

Therefore, many women, who feel different from the rest of society, who are interested in old-fashioned customs, they can’t cope with the feelings of loneliness and social ostracism, which overwhelms them, as soon as they start developing the real personality.

So, these women behave like monkeys, because they copy “socially acceptable” personalities from the other people. And what is more, media brainwash them more, by showing pictures of extremely thin models. Girls think it’s something worth copying (to be thin, to be sexually attractive for brainwashed men, who watch pornography…), so they lose their weight, by not eating meat. And believe me, lack of animal proteins makes people even more compliant and weak, both physically and mentally. When they finally become skeletons, it’s too late for any rescue – the brainwashed women choose feminism. And they usually feel compassion for animals, sexual minorities, Muslims from Syria etc. BUT IN FACT it’s only a MASK, they put on (it’s easy to feel compassion for people you do not know personally, or animals who do not speak in a human manner…), in order to hide real lack of empathy. They love everybody, but as the result they actually love no one. Nowadays women also tend to become more masculine, because when they are NOT female anymore, nobody can criticise them anymore for not being pretty enough.

Only autistic/Asperger people are not afraid of social ostracism, they have very deep and obssesive interests, they feel empathy towards the world, nature, philosophical ideas (they actually FEEL empathy to the people and even stronger than “normal” individuals, but don’t show that in regular way due to some problems with communication and and visual/sonic oversensitivity). I believe that’s the reason why such people make great art and inventions (well, technology is actually bad…but we can just admire the passion of inventors). The autistic people are often regarded as anti-social outcasts, owing to the fact that (even if they want), they cannot lose their traits and just start parroting other people.

So if you are looking for a conservative woman, best look in “the tribe of autistics” :).

I will probably make a video about that, because I am Asperger myself. I have no relatives (other than parents) or “friends” outside the Internet, because I find no point in socialising with degenerated society.

END QUOTE

sperg with the right idea commenting on varg vikernes video regarding the role of women. great points. great comment. thats why i copied it here. it is useful and good.

yes of course i luv varg and his Traditional Ways Of Yore and his healthy beautiful happy family, wife and many children.

well that video is really just a pointer to his wifes video about The Role Of Women, essentially as Preservers and Carryers On of Tradition, if i understand corrrectly.

i was like yeah this sounds great!  when have you ever seen a woman be a Transmitter of Tradition? but of course modern women are pretty much useless except for being annoying degenerate whores. course i cant complain because i am not a sterling specimen myself, just a loser weak man. so really i dont DESERVE a good woman.

muh woman was somewhat confused and had some Baggage in her Background, but it was all stuff i could live with, they were not dealbreakers, plus it kind of made her imperfect, and not “too good to be true.” i mean she is certainly not the perfect traditional woman, but she hit the biggest things of, she wasnt a whore, and she was a nice and kind, and from there other good qualities unfolded. like not wearing makeup, not dressing like a whore (goes along with not being a whore), not being annoying or obnoxious, being well behaved and polite and nice, not glued to the phone texting all the time, not being a lockstep leftist marxist like most women, pays attention to the news somewhat, was more “redpilled” than avg woman, though not obnoxious in pretending to be “super intelligent”,  she had a lot of great qualities but eventually her being a Bigtime AVOIDER was what killed it. she AVOIDS even worse than i do. athough she is probably less of a Despaired Procrastinator (“Why even try, its hopeless, it wont work out anyway”) than i am. she just avoids conflict in this rel more than i wanted to.

so yeah i procrastinate at life and jobs and stuff cuz i am tired of failing, and then get slow and lazy. she i think is more to push things under the rug, avoid them until she forgets they even exist, then go on with life. forgetting shit rather than processing and learning from shit. out of sight, out of mind.

also i am not sure she picks the best men. well the first guy she was with for a long time and i got along with him and he was a pretty good guy, but he was not great to her during the time i knew him.

oooh interesting point. if i were hiding and dissembling shit, i would have been trying to break them up. i was trying to get them to work shit out. when i saw her with him i did not get insanely jealous. they way i do now when i think of her with guys. oh yeah i explained this in my email. if i were secretly in luv with you, why would i be pushing you to figure things out with him? wouldnt i be pushing you to break up with him and date me? or try to “steal you” from him.?

but he had his own baggage and issues, that if he were not a brash stubborn wont take shit fairly manly man, would be enough to scare women away from betaer men. red flags and shit.

anyway. point is. holy shit its been a YEAR since i started liking her; its been over a YEAR since we had our Final Good Hangout in Sept 2014; after that we only had one meeting outside of Job, and it was horrrrrrible, i have of course mentioned it before.

so yeah that is an especially tragic flaw. pick men who dont treat her well, probably because of father issues, which also causes her to be good at abandoning and avoiding and forgetting about people. probably hahahaha.

like i say, its really a MIRACLE she didnt become a huge slut, or that she doesnt have any Fatherless Kids by now, or that she stayed with her First Major Boifran for like 4 or 5 years. WELL…..im not sure thats so ODD for young women and their First BF’s. first cut is the deepest hahahaha. and then they never get over that guy and then they become broken sluts hahaahahaha.

well it was a mistake imho for her to date another guy so soon after the first one. and to fall so deeply for him! imho this probably was some unresolved feelings for the FIRST guy! how could it not be? first major BF, very long term.

went for a nice 5 mile walk, i needed that. thank god.

listened to a few youtube things including this from helen fisher, the brain in love. not horrible. she is a little stiff but certainly on the high end of “women doing tedx talks about luv and relationships” which tends towards the shitty.

here she makes the good point that luv is powerful and addictive like a drug. and it really drives us crazy. and it can take at least 8 months for us to get over somebody and it is one of the most powerful things on earth. she implies that it is such a powerful thing, how the hell could you love more than one person at a time? you are choosing one person above all others. so there is an implication that Monogamy is better than Open Relationships. i hope i was not reading too much into it hahahaha.

oh also she says that 95% of BOTH men AND women have experienced the pain of being dumped by someone that they loved, AND ALSO dumping someone that loved them. i thought this number was a bti suspect. course she is dealing with a population of elite college students, prob most 18-22 years old, so, those samples obviously suck and are not helping “research” psychology. but yeah i have known only the pain of being dumped. i have never dumped somebody who loved me. i do not think any woman ever really loved me. and i bet if they did, they would be pathetic and i wouldnt really love them back hahahahaha.

helen fisher “why we love, why we CHEAT” hahaha havent listened to this one yet

and i also listened to e michael jones talk about his new book “libido dominandi”

not sure who he is but he was fun to listen to. i would guess he is some kind of openly pro-catholic phd intellectual academic. ie non mainstream academic. interesting interview where he talks abotu pornography being sold as “freedom” but its really a way to CONTROL people, thru their basest desires.

well i would agree with that, but i wanted to hear him talk moar about modern mating practices like casual sex and open relationships and promiscuity, and how they might possibly destabilize a society and be bad. but instead he says the clinton years were the apex of degeneracy. i say they degeneracy just keeps growing and growing. and now “normal people” are as degenerate as clinton was. he didnt mention anything like that but did have some good talk on how freud and watson and kinsey were degenerate.

also pornography controls men more than it does women, so how do we control womens “sexuality?” well similar, we give them “freedom” and the “freedom” ends up enslaving them. so their “pornography” is really just the cok carousel of casual sex with alphas. because they are women, they can actually live out all their sexual desires, rather than just beat off to porno.

hehehe but the whole damn ball of wax is degenerate, no matter whether you’re the alpha banging, the degenerate sluts getting banged, or the betas jerking off. and of course i have the most sympathy for the betas jerking off. there but for the grace of god go i. go we.

anyway the point is, when you get your heart broke, it is some SERIOUS shit, and it SHOULD be, and too many peopel avoid it, rush through it, do a rebound, PRETEND to be over it, DELUDE themselves.  but you should really be in pain and misery for a long time. it is a lot of suffering! drink in the suffering. guzzle the suffering like bitches guzzle jizz.  live in the suffering for months and years. well if you still feel like garbage at 1 year, uhhhh go see a shrink.

when i say shrink i mean go see a social worker at a budget sort of place. maybe see if they have an older man rather than a younger woman hahahaha.

i was lookng at some photoshops i made in 2008 and 2009 and they were pretty hilarious. (google photos under google drive.)

there was stuff there that indicated that i was very “thirsty” and lonely and was yearning to meet new women because i didnt know any. well in 2007 or 8 i met a woman who was garbage but i developed an infatuation with her because she was yougn and cute and the only woman i knew. she was legit cute and young though. but she was crazy and also a horrible slut. if i had any game i could of banged her like so many other men! anyway she was a much worse woman than woman2015; she used to be a Numbered WOman (former woman6) but i removed her because she was garbage plus i wasnt super duper in love with her. i had a drunken desperate crush on her though. but i got over her kinda quickly. i think. anyway she was at her peak then and she had a few good years after that and now is in the later 20s and starting to approach The Wall, and has certainly taken lotsa coxa on top of the already high number she had at age 19/20, and is dating a hideous guy who is definitely not of her race hahahahahahah. damn dirty mud shark hahahahahahah. sorry i just dont like white gurls who “date” ie fook nonwhite guys. especially when i had wanted the gurls and they rejected me. and the guy is black. or arab. or turkic or mestizo. would i be bothered if they dated an asian? maybe. probably because asians are less obnoxious than blacks or browns hahahahaha. but i am hardly an asian lover hahahaha. i have no desire for asian gurls. i still want to date, marry and ahve chirren within my own white race, because i am a white racist hahahahaha. so solly. dont like it, go fook some fat black 30 year old woman with 5 kids from different fathers. or maybe a fat asian like a 30 year old laotian or vietnamese woman with a body like a fat cambodian potato.

not any worse than a 30 year old fat WHITE single mom amirite?

actually it is marginally worse hahahahahaha. if your preference is for somewhat attractive younger white women. shit yeah this is a very valuable commodity hahahaha that is bought and sold surprisingly cheaply by alphas and black thugs and arab thugs hahahahahaha.

i get even more racist when i get heartbroke hahahaha.

yeah the trick is to never get more feelings than the woman does.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

use her lack of feelings to put the brakes on your own feelings.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!!!!

i guess you can check in with her once every two weeks. and say as of now, muh feelings are low, moderate, or strong. or nonexistent.  and see how they change over time. if hers go down and yours go up, you are headed for a heartbreak!

or she has no feelings and you have any hahahahaha.

 

 

 

 

 

REAL WOMAN HATERS DONT WORRY THEY ARE BECOMING A WOMAN HATER

1010

yeah people being undertrained for their jobs, beign confused and overwhelmed all the time, being scared to ask for help because that proves youre not getting it fast enough and are stupid, smart people shamed into believing they are stupid, the most help you get is someone pointing to a 10000000000000000000 page book and them saying “read and understand. try harder.”

i say FOOK IT. just do a half ass job, say i read the documentation and used my resources and did not want to steal time/money from senior employees, so, this is how i decided it should be done. i cant be wasting peoples time or my own 900000000000000 times during a project saying is this right? is this right? is this right? every time i do something. the company will lose money.

so i was rejected because i was a BETA? well, not even a beta but an omega? i get periods of weakness and vulnerability sometimes. i guess lesson learned is hide that shit like a Deep Dark Secret when dealing with women, even women you think you can trust. becuase you can never trust women hahaahahah. or just because you trusted them in the past doesnt mean you can trust them now.

i have been reading matt forney ever since the early days when he was in mala fide / ferdinand bardamu. he might have been the second or third guy i found after roissy / heartiste. when the hell was this? 2008? 2007 even? a long time ago. the Movement has been shifting, growing over the past 7-8 years. it started out as anti feminism because we could see feminism had ruined women and we were angry were couldnt get any women cuz we were beta men and the modern sluts hated beta men. hahahaha. but then we gradually saw the bigger picture, feminism was just one part of leftism / marxism, women are not the enemy, marxists are the enemy, the LEFT is the enemy. theyve ruined Our Women, theyve ruined Our Country, theyve ruined Our Race hahahahaha. and now its all coming together in a beautiful way.

but i havent read forney regularly in years. but i might start listening to him. some of his writing seems a little woman hating hahahhaha. but he is a great writer. but i can never tell when he is being serious or trolling. and writing is ridiculous. i think talking is better. he sounds more down to earth and normal and trustworthy when he talks. i might start listening to his Podcast.

heh. i liked having a woman in my life to remind me that Not All Women Are Like That, ie annoying pieces of shit who i dont want in my life, destructive value suckers. depreciators. make life worse not better. yet in the end she just made my life worse and i wish i had neer met her. we had really good times but the bad times outweighed that. i wish i never met her. only if i had BANGED her maybe would i be able to look back and say “that SUCKED and im glad shes gone, but i cant say i wish i never met her, because im glad i banged her.” i cant even say that! and All Women Give Up Bangs Easily! just not to us beta creeper Thirsty Scum hahahaha.

thirsty what a stupid word. only women can come up with words this stupid. i don’t like them. i dont like the way they TALK, i dont like the way they ACT. I do not like women. I’d be foolish TO like women, given my experiences with them! there’s not enough TO like! and too much to dislike!

so while i dont really want to be a “woman HATER”, i dont mind saying i do not like women, fook no i dont. why the FOOK would I? the cons have way outweighed the pros. they have disappointed me time and again.

i told her. i told her i was an MRA and a MGTOW and that basically i was an anti-feminist and i didnt like feminists and i didnt particularly like women either! so i was honest about who i was. well we really never had a super long meaty talk about that sort of stuff. we didnt have enough long talks period, especially at the end. she just wasnt willing to. i would have talked about thsi shit all day. i wasnt cool or manly enough to get an audience with her though. fine fook her then. i used to be cool enough to get an audience though. i can deal with being Never Liked. Its harder for me dealing with being DOWNGRADED. to be liked, and then move down to being not liked.

writing can be very unhealthy. youre just sitting there by yourself alone, alone with your thoughts, and your thoughts can be very unhealthy. with talking, its easier to be more optimistic i guess is what im trying to say. partially because talking, you can keep better pace with your thoughts, compared to writing.  and also you can consciously put on a Happy Voice and Smile Into The Phone so you can move your Thoughts down a more optimistic, more healthy path.

well, i am speaking from the perspective of lazy Despairing Losers who have trouble getting and keeping Momentum. Forney does not appear to have this problem. he has had a 10000000000 jobs. i respect this but at the same time i envy such a “normalfag.” kinda like stefan molyneux as well.

even a fat bald shitbag like forney has gotten more pvssy than me, because hes not afraid to talk to gurls.

i used to read another blogger who was a great writer but god damn did he hate forney. he was so angry and petty and hateful that i stopped reading him! and obviously forney rose above that, he now makes a living as a writer/blogger/internet personality, was able to quit his job, is basically self-employed, and im sure is far less butthurt about this guy, than this guy is still butthurt abotu forney.

when i am not heartbroken and or in the depths of despair, this is the type of stuff i read hahahaha. “alt right” or “new right” or “neoreaction” or all that.

LETTER

was it worth it? was it worth being such a bitch and throwing me away? you’re better than this. at least you USED to be better than this. its so disappointing to see you change for the worse. we could have been good together. but not the person you are becoming. its sad. you are not just throwing me away, you’re throwing yourself away too. all of this has made me very sad but theres nothing i can do about it but let you go. you wont listen to reason and you arent willing to listen to me or talk to me at all. you arent willing to try to do anything to end this on a good note. i will never know exactly why.

i blamed myself completely for pushing you to this. i dont have great boundaries so i always blame myself completely for anythign that goes wrong in a relationship. which is why this “nuclear bomb” ending is especially hurtful to me. most normal people would take it as a sign the dumper is not worth their time, anyone that would do that to you doesnt deserve to be in your life, forget about that completely unreasonable person. but i automatically blamed myself and immediately threw myself at your feet begging for forgiveness for what I did, for forcing you to do this, me begging for forgiveness, apologizing over and over and over again for being pushy.

well if anything im sorry to myself that i did that. if anythign i deserved an apology from you. i became angry that you would let our realtionship DIE without even lifting a finger, without even saying some mournful words of respect for the good thing that once existed.

you were completely unreasonable and this leaves me with a very unfavorable view of you.

i know you are a better person and are capable of so much better. you treat other people better than you treat me. well thats because i was SO HORRIBLE to you you might say. i argue i wasnt so HORRIBLE to deserve this. being thrown away like this is horrible. i will never make sense of this. the only thing i can do is just hope time eventually heals this wound for me.  its getting better but i still want to contact you.

but im tired of BEGGING. im tired of doing all the work. im tired of this being so one sided. not much is clear about this but what is clear is that you dont want to have anything to do to me. if you change your mind, then its on you to contact me for once. not that i think this will happen.

there are many free articles on the internet on how to dump or break up or end a relationship with somebody in a good way. all of them say to do it in person and to let the other person have their say.

/LETTER

shit. this whole shit is so fookin stoopid. why couldnt she just TALK TO ME. that would have been SO EASY. hang out with me ONCE IN TEN MONTHS, i say listen i like you, i know its a bad time, she would say omg lol idk, idk if i like u, idk weird, ur 2 thirsty, i just want to be friends, and i would say ok then, well i cant be jsut friends, so please just tell me we had a good friendship before and you wish me well, and well put an end to this in a dignified way.

well THEN what. then id still have to deal with her in the office being nice and talking and hanging out with other people in plain view of me.

so thats my fookin problem right.

yeah technically it is.

ok so its my problem but it legitimately SUCKS, you cant deny that. when you get rejected by someone then you see that person all day at a very shitty job. you would be going nuts too.

but i might have been able to make it to layoff IF the ending was more amicable. and then i could have just never returned in july. and have had like 5 extra months of my life back. and it probably would have ended a little better. and rather having to then say i “quit a job because of personal issues”, i could just say that i wasnt called back in a timely manner and i was looking for new jobs in my layoff period. rather than returning FROM layoff and then QUITTING cuz shit sucked so bad.

also what if i just took some valium whenever i had to see her? wouldnt that make it easier?

well not every day, i would never take valium every day, but every other day yes. 3 work days a week and then MJ on nights and weekends hahahahah.

google how to say no to a customer

http://www.informit.com/articles/article.aspx?p=2133369

we would have to say no to callers all the time and it was nerve wracking for me because i am a people pleaser becuase i get nervous when people get angry

http://www.amanet.org/training/articles/How-to-Say-No-to-a-Customer.aspx

well its easy to lose confidence or fumble your words if you dont know if the thing can even be done or not! and you are thrown to the wolves with inadequate training, where you have like 2 weeks of training at best with about 10 chapters of complicated new material to learn every day!

funny, i didnt start Studying At Home until later in the game. i should have started off Studying at home RIGHT AWAY, during training. but nobody suggested it, and it took me a while to think of it on my own.

well i dont think anyone else studied at home. but i was one of the most nervous high strung, unerconfident people there. i was just able to fake confidence and chillness pretty well. which does bode well for my future employment. or banging bitches.

but yeah even reading “customer service tips” like the above links would have helped me.

also just go ahead and lie and make mistakes until somebody tells you dont do that. in one of your weekly 5 minutes coaching meetings. then say oops sorry i didnt realize that but i will definitely never do that again. and then make another post it note or flashcard and honestly never do it again.

it was funny. i had 10 times the training for my previous job, which was more than 10 times easier. we also had pretty extensive Customer Service workshops there, althought the cust service aspect was 10000000000000000000 times more important in the next job.

how to say no to customers.

how to deal in situations where you dont know the answer and it would take you 2 hours of FLAILING to Research and Work Out the answer, but you have 20 minutes to resolve the call.  and you dont want to sound like an idiot to the caller, like an idiot who doesnt know what youre doing. that was my biggest peeve.

built muh 2.00 max buying up to 4.54. I HAVE DOUBLED UP. thru winning 2 good pots. i never do this. now i gotta stick around to avoid looking like a HIT N RUNNER. not sure the min amount of time to do that.

https://www.livechatinc.com/blog/how-to-say-no-to-customers-without-making-them-angry/

also how to deny a caller who wants to speak to a supervisor. well you simply cant do that. the supervisor doesnt want to speak to them!

it would be different if there was a policy where you could transfer them to The Supervisor Queue but they kept this shit SECRET. there were so many queues, 30% of them were dead and disused, and ALL of them had mysterious names that you had no idea what they were, and there was no documentation as to what they were.

one of them essentially did go to tier 2, but it took me at least 5 months to learn that. also that you needed permission to transfer to that queue. so then i would ask in the Advice Chat Room, caller is asking for a sup, may i transfer to “queue name” please? and they would not say yes regularly but i showed i Was In The Know. there was tier 1 agents which showed initiative to learn The Secret Wisdom, and those that didnt. so i proved myself as a smart kid. but it was hard won, i dont know how i lasted in the beginnig. part of it was because my female friend supported me in the beginning.

once i started liking her, she stopped the support. now i had made other friends by then so i got my support from them, but this was just another way she rejected me and it pained me. also i really was smarter and a better worker than her. she didnt study on her off time. she didnt Think Like A Tier 2. she just acted like a dumb robot cow and said sorry cant be fixed even when it could be fixed.

i pushed myself to think like a tier 2, and the tier 2 and management respected that, and realized i wasnt an idiot.

it was wrong of them to treat tier 1 like idiots and not train them properly, so i will never defend them in doing that.

but it was good to have their respect too, since it made my life easier and less of a constant living hell.

and i am angry about having to give up those SICK GAINS i made, really big achivements, because i was going mental over some girl dumping me.

so stupid.

anyway matt forney advises young men to go into the trades, and #2 choice, maybe try north dakota, but thats on a downswing right now as the price of oil is going down. also you will have to live in your car because housing is too expensive and low supply. but he made 17 DAH in a temp job holding a damn FLAG for 10 hours a day and said it was BORING as shit. i thought of this as my dream job.

i could never ever say i was BORED at muh job. i was always nervous abotu fooking something up or sounding liek an idiot. and i just wanted a damn break from talking on the phone.

i finally got it after 12 months of work, moved to a nonphone project, but right when i was, i went batshit over the girl. god damn.

google how to tell a customer they cant speak to the manager

hahahah

http://career-advice.monster.com/in-the-office/workplace-issues/may-i-speak-to-the-manager/article.aspx

so what do you do when the manager says “NOPE LOL” because all the tier 2s are busy on other cases right now, the best you can do is escalate with the “customer requests higher level of support” article and they can get a callback within 3 business days, which will often result in a missed call, left voicemail not even leaving the Special Tier 2 Number, then sending them an email saying “you need to do this this and this” or “what your asking cant be done please call the tier 1 help line back if any questions” with no fooking suggestions as to an alternative, or its clear t2 misundertood completely, and when they call t1 back, t1 is not gonna know either. not because theyre STUPID, as t2 thought us, but because there was so much stupid shit to know, it was an ocean of confusing half-knowledge, and we had to navigate it ourselves, not even sure if were doing it right, until some t2 message us and scolds us for doing it wrong. well becuase the issue and the damn documented “solution” was UNCLEAR AS FOOK.

but documentation of any kind is a luxury right?

not in Technical Support, I’d argue. we need the documentation to do our damn jobs and to answer questions and fix shit where 1 minute ago, we had no idea what the person was TALKING about!!!!!!

then yes you DO need documentation or a knowledge base! OR people who can advise you clearly and quickly!

instead we got a half baked but spaghettish knowledge base, and rude and slow and unclear t2 Advice Givers who were useless. as we scrambled like CRABS IN A BUCKET in the Advice Chat Room barking out questions, steps taken, and they gave monsyllabic responses that were like wtf htf can i even USE this? i cant TELL THEM THIS!!!!!!!

so then do you waste 5 more minutes asking them, could you rephrase that in a way i could explain to the caller, you BULLSHIT it yourself.

i advise you to never ever work in a technical support call center hahahaha. well it built character and built my resume but god damn i cant go back to that. i got all the damn utility out of it i could. i lasted a damn year and ultimately it was a woman that pushed me out. i would have lasted at least 6 more months if she werent there hahahaha.

maybe 3 more months if we had just talked things out. i mean come on we work together we dont want things to get weird. and fook did they get weird as fook.

heh. i wonder if i hadnt quit, if she would have talked to me eventually.

or if i would have done something ridiculous. i probably would have gotten mad at her, then she would never talk to me again, and then i would be the bad guy cuz i got mad at her. she was bound and determined to make me the bad guy. and i dont like that cuz i am prone to make myself the bad guy anyway. i dont need any outside assistance.

anyway. real abusers dont WORRY if they are being abusive.

real woman haters dont WORRY they are becoming a woman hater.

i dont LIKE women though and i am very fine with that. i just dont want to be A Woman Hater, automatically hating all women.

well why would you LIKE ANYONE automatically? thats stupid.

women just signal their unlikeability much more immediately than men. cuz they spread their legs and play russian roulette with their womb so easily! have a reckless disregard for Human Life in a way that men just dont.

im not perfect and i am working to improve myself. but its hard and long. long hard road out of hell.

women could improve a lot in my eyes just by shutting their damn legs. HOW HARD IS THAT? WAIT TO HAVE SECS WITH A GUY. MAKE HIM WAIT. MAKE YOURSELF WAIT. never have secs with a guy before knowing him for at least 6 months. respect the power of your womb to create HUMAN LIFE. simply never have secs outside of a committed, monogamous, long term relationship.

Good Decent Traditional women already abide by this. that is the kind of woman i want. i thought i found one. and she was kind of traditional in the fact that she wasnt a fast, easy, high number whore.

but she still dumped me and she did it in the worst possible way, that a virtuous woman really should know better.

BLIND LEADING THE BLIND, TRUE LUV STORYTEIM

june 12 2013

* My critics might say I’m like the Blind Leading The Blind. I say that’s Bullsh1t because even if I am 90% blind, that means I am still 10% Seeing, and that a 10% Sightful person leading the 0% Sightful is at least 10 times better than a 0% sightful person leading 0% sightful people!!

* So I may not always be right. I “might” be Too Angry. But I firmly believe that I have at least SOME dim light pointing the way to go. Better to Light A Candle Than Curse The Darkness!!!

* Would like to share some more Luv Lessons if I can. Us Neckbeard Neets tend to get huge, ungetoverable crushes on our dream wimmin, our waifus, our Perfect QTs, TOTALLY put the girl/woman on a Pedestal. You know that’s wrong, but you still feeeeeel powerless about it. Acknowledged. I know that feel, bro.

Pieter Bruegel the Elder - The Parable of the ...
Pieter Bruegel the Elder – The Parable of the Blind Leading the Blind – WGA3511 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

*So now it’s my turn to Stand Up and Share at the Meeting, without being too exhibitionistic because this IS the internet!  In October 2012 I had a Huge Rejection from MY own “Waifu” at the time. I wanted nothing less than to be Boifran and Gurlfran, Oh SHE could Cuddle with me ALL NIGHT with her 9000000 degree body sweating on me, and prevent me from getting any precious sleep ever.

Wanted to have babies with her, wanted to MARRY her, thought being with her would FIX everything, that being with Her would “Complete” me, and then, FINALLY, I would have the Energy, Motivation and Persistence to get up every day and Do Hard Work and Become a Winner, because I would be With Her and all was thus right in the world. Could keep Rewriting on Cover Letter and Improving Interviews until I FINALLY got that Dream Entry Level Full Time $10 an Hour Office Job, because cuddling with her once a week would RESTORE and REPLENISH and RECHARGE and REENERGIZE me.

I knew being with her would NOT be a Huge Mistake, I knew I would never want to Cheat on her, I wanted full-blown, family-building Monogamy. All Other attractive girls I simply looked at with indifference or contempt. I wanted her and NO ONE else.

Total Waifu in other words.  (noting that TECHNICALLY a “waifu” is a Fictional Character)

I imagine many other NEET NEckbeard Lazy Losers have had a similar experience! Whereas Normalfags may have had a couple of sort of similar experiences, but not as many, and not as intense. This has happened to me about 8 times. So that was “Girl 7.”  (Girl 8 was a composite of several Girls way before girl7 who had the potential to reach full-blown Waifu.) (Note: Note All Girls were as Intense as Girl 7.  Maybe 4 out of 8, hahaha.)

So Pick Up Artists tell you don’t put the Pvssy on a Pedestal, and well-meaning types tell you it’s just Infatuation and you’ll get over it, but both these are wrong. I think For US, infatuation basically IS the SAME as True Luv, and it often takes YEARS and YEARS to finally Get Over, if ever.

While this Rejection kinda sucked the life out of me, I also wanted to take the OPPORTUNITY to study it and reflect on it, especially since it was the First Rejection I’d experienced Without Alcohol; Especially since I could not write off the girl as a “Filthy Crazy Wh0re” because she was not. Note: some of the Girls HAVE been Bad Choices because they were Nutty or Slutty, HOWEVER I HAVE gotten better at “picking” girls who are Nice Decent Girls. Doesn’t mean they’re any more likely not to reject you unfortunately!

So I said, Welp, back to the ol drawing board. Time to do this the right way. No Contact, set reasonable expectations, lets say this will take at least 100 days to get over. 1% progress a day for 100 days.Then that became more like 200 days. around 6 months. somewhere in there I equated it to a WOMAN HAVING A BABY, and that it would take NINE months to get over. And right about NOW it has been Nine Months, No Contact, hopefully no future contact, and I think things are pretty much as good as they’re gonna get.

So we have to Know Ourselves. I was not even officially “Dating” this girl either! We were sort of friends, sort of acquaintances, I was trying to Sack Up and Hang out with her, and gradually began pushing a little harder in the direction I wanted things to go, and although my GAME is admittedly poor, AND she was kinda autistic (yeah, us NEET losers LOVE those autistic girls!!! see Rooney Mara), she eventually picked up on it, and that was that.

 

I can STILL get myself worked up if I TRY, like “oh new girls don’t COMPARE to HER, I wish things would have worked out because I haven’t liked someone like that since, o my autistic waifu, she was such a good role model too, such a good work ethic, and it really reflects on her moral character that SHE SUGGESTED some Time Apart, usually Wimmin say let’s Be Just Friends and You Can Watch as I get Really Promiscuous with New Masculine Guys I Just Met, etc”

So anyway, there is NO ONE I Really Like right now, and that’s a first for me for the past 10 years. Usually as one moves out, another moves in. ANd now there’s No One. But I can still get myself to daydreaming about HER, NINE months later.  However nine months later, it’s easier to force myself to STOP, so that’s good.

And I didn’t even “Go Out” with her. With Average Modern Wimmin Who Have Sex on the First Pseudo-Date, and who like Hooking Up and Open Relationships and No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits and Keeping Options Open and Free Love, that cavalier attitude can be Absolutely CRUSHING to Us Beta Neckbeard NEETS, because We Still Associate Sex With Love and Commitment…..which is THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, I have concluded after much soul-searching, and it’s a MASSIVE TRAGEDY that Modern Women behave in ways that attempt to Cleave Love and Sex in Twain, and they’re all the worse for it!

So in situations where I WAS more Physically and Emotionally Intimate, only to get DUMPED after a short period of Actual “Dating”, well that took even LONGER than nine months! but I was drinking back then too, which made me even more prone to emotion, looking at the woman on facebook, etc.

What I’ve Learned From My MIstakes:

* Quit Drinking Forever For A Better Life

* No Contact Is Best

* Takes 9 Months at LEAST, prob a YEAR if things got Hot n Heavy

I guess I MIGHT be open to Friends With Benefits with an Attractive Young QT just to get my “Sex Wants” filled, even though that is kinda Decadent, and I’m sure it would get too complicated for its own good. But I still see young girls and go HNNNGGGG. Would bang if they offered, but don’t want to DATE them, and don’t want to put forth the EFFORT to try and bang them. Permitted Decadence Schedule of Once per month.

There is one Young Girl who I DO kinda like more than Average Girls, who’s at the top of my Asking Out On A Date Queue, but what I feel for her is still not even 20% what I feel/felt for Girl 7. Like I would not want to be Monogamously Exclusive to this new girl! I’d want to keep the Door Open!

So I might Ask Her To Dinner, I might not. Heh, I would hate to lead her on, hahahahaha, because I think she is a Good Decent Traditional Nonpromiscuous Girl, the type of girl you Marry, the type of girl who has not yet separated Sex And Luv through Riding The Infamous C0q Carousel!

Yes, I believe the Coq Carousel Exists, and that it is not a good thing for women’s souls, and, finally, not a good thing for Men’s Souls. Because IMHO this Hedonistic Poolside approach is pretty decadent, and Men ultimately will realize they want Real Women just as much as Women want Real Men. The sexes were “designed” to be Different But Complementary.

So this points out too the nature of True Luv / Infatuation  / PEdestal / Waifu / QT Gurlfran / Cuddle / Obsession / Monogamy: there is NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. No “maybes” and “I’m not entirely sure.” You are ENTIRELY sure, 100%. You are not sure of much in life, but of THAT you ARE sure. No Ambiguity or ambivalent or waffling or on the fence or back and forth. It can be nice to be so CERTAIN about something. Heh. Except when it only ever results in disappointment!!

Anyway, TLDR: nothing wrong with taking 9 Months No Contact, don’t let Immature Insecure Wimmin Bully You into Some Contact, take 9 months and be crushingly depressed and angry and lazy and learn to Love the Absence of anyone on the pedestal. Just focus on being Masculine, getting in Shape, getting Healthy, Quitting your Bad Habits, Building Your Good Habits. More later hahaha but this is already too long for 1 post.