THE PAST IS REAL

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somebody on TRS recommended this metal band, atlantean kodex, a 2013 album. i dont have much energy to listen to new music unless it comes from a reputable recommender which i would count the TRSwaggots as. people generally cmpare it to candlemass, bathory, and epic power metal. they said it was somewhat nationalistic but not sure about that, but they seem to not be ashamed of there bavarian heritage, so thats good, and the lyrics might be larpagan stuff that generally relates to europe, so i think thats what they meant. they arent outright 1488 in other words, and leftist journalists like pitchfork have no problem with them, so.

but yeah it sounds pretty good! great production, long epic songs, soaring vocals, very majestic. i like epic metal and i think it is a decent goal to take epic doom like candlemass and mix it up into an even more epic thing of 10 minute songs.

was also looking for good racially oriented bands. stahlgewitter seems pretty “based” with intimidating tough guy vocals, but they are in german, which adds to the toughguy, BUT i kinda want to know what they are saying. apparently they arent SO 1488 that they are outlawed by the Cucked German ZOG, but i guess its fairly well known they are racially aware and pro-white.

BASICALLY i am looking for something that is upbeat and high energy like vapaudenristi, with good production and drums, somewhat roaring/tough vocals, somewhat melodic, with good lyrics that inspire true nationalist and racial pride without being corny or silly, and in english.

i listened to some skrewdriver but i am autismal about the production. i will have to take some more time and effort with skrewdriver of course.

anyway you have to get good at Cognitive Judo to Karate Chop the BARRAGE of negative thoughts and impaired judgments coming at you all the time. like a damn video game sending out enemy after enemy to get you.

i hate that feeling that i am not entitled to kindness or sympathy just because this was all in my damn head.

the proper response to that is, she could have treated me with the golden rule and made some effort to be kind.

and also noone is entitled to anything sure, but thats a useless argument, you should adopt the REASONABLE EXPECTATION argument instead. if someone was once your friend and not some random stranger, you have a reasonable xpectation to Golden Rule Kindness from them towards you.

QUOTE from TRS forum thread on autistic ridic ASMR vidyas, which is kinda like “emotional porn” of QT gurls whispering to simulate the tingly feel of at QT gurl whispering in your ear, if you have ever experienced that, which if you dont get that on the reg, it gets you all tingly and excited:

Natalie Szőke about 15 hours ago
I’m pretty sure people who haven’t experienced being close to someone has a much more sensitive response to this kind of thing, so that would explain why autists are such a large percentage of who enjoys it. Kind of how people are more ticklish before experiencing a lot of close interaction.

I’ve felt it before but only once or twice, and never from one of these videos, otherwise I probably wouldn’t believe it was even real.

END QUOTE

good point natalie but check your closeness cuddle privilege hahahaha some of us virgins dont get our cuddle on regularly at all. also i have a finely tuned radar for Young Women on this forum, esp young unmarried women, of which there are maybe 1 or 2 hahahaha. either way i am too old and pathetic for a gurl like natalie hahahaha.

so yeah i think its shitty that these autist bitches do that to poor pathetic neet autist virgins. cant they seek their attention elsewhere. or do they sadistically delight in vampiring off the hope and luv of THE most pathetic hopeless men in existence?

but is that just me being woman hating again. to hate attention whoring asmr sluts who get tingles off neet virgins getting tingles of them whispering in their ears.

or is it just me getting butthurt from a 21 year old traditional marriageable woman rightfully saying people like me are Not Very Experienced and Would get off to Mere Youtube Whispering?

well i dont watch the shit. but i was a big fan of cuddling and touching and tickling and whispering when i did it once 10 years ago hahahaha.

someone on the forum  (OneEye, I generally approve of him!) says ” Women can detect fakery and bullshit much better than men can, it’s built into them biologically”. how true is this? cuz i thought women were generally much more gullible and foolable and easily led than men. so much so that women themselves become huge fakes because they dont have a strong sense of self, of who they actually are, they are always “going with the flow” so much. BUT its normal and good to pick a strong horse over a weak horse innit? well not if the strong horse is not the white horse hahahaha.

heh. i was watching lisa ling cnn do a think on “mystery land” in new york, a huge electronic festival, and i reflected how my own state had a big festival like that, and i can only imagine it as a huge degenerate thing of drugs and promiscuous secs, although with probably a “good” number of young and attractive women. i mean big summer music festivals are really not a new thing. but a bunch of 20 year old gurls on “molly” looking to get fooked by strangers sounds really sad and degenerate. the idea did not titillate me that much. i much preferred the idea of cuddling on the couch with That Woman, no novelty, no variety, just monogamy and cuddling and austistic ASMR hahahaha was more exciting than all the drugs and buffet of young white pvssy. i just wanted on nice young pvssy attached to a nice decent white woman and she could tickle me and me tickle her and whisper in my ear and cuddle me and just give me a fooking fair chance and not crash the plane with no survivors hahahaha. give me a chance, dont give up on me because i wasnt perfect.

so if a gurl goes to a multi day music festival with camping, uhhhhhh not a good sign. how many guys does the average gurl add to Her Number at these things?

no way would i let my daughter go to such a thing!

but then wouldnt my daughter REBEL against me, thus i would GUARANTEE her being an even BIGGER slut, by me using strict anti slut defense measures as a father????!?!?!?!?!

ANYWAY my POINT was, when somebodies talking about entitlement, just tune them out. technically no one is entitled to anything. but when you enter into a friendship, there is a SOCIAL CONTRACT of RESPONSIBILITIES implied there: that both people will try not to be shitty to each other.

so she thought i was being shitty to her, therefore she was gonna be super shitty to me.

but i wasnt REALLY being shitty! i was being a TINY bit shitty, like i say, -1, but she was being at LEAST -20 if not -50!!!!! have a SENSE OF PROPORTION!!!!!!!!!!!

basically the idea that she had NO responsibility to me, because my luv was one sided, therefore she had no responsibility to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.

WRONG!!!!!

she had the responsibility to take our whole damn history into account and to try to see the best of me rather than the worst of me, espcially since it was not an abusive relationship. im not even sure it was a toxic relationship. it was definitely getting there. it was more of a ROUGH PATCH that had it continued longer might have developed into a toxic rel. well, the rough patch went on for like 7 months. so yeah the whole rel was becoming toxic. but not abusive. mainly a complete communication breakdown.

ive repeated allt hsi for months. but you see how the negative thoughts barrage me constantly like bad guys in a vidya gaym. and i have to K them All.  stuff like i was to blame, i was the bad guy, i betrayed her, i abused her, i was weak, its my fault she hates me, i betrayed her, i made a big mistake, she wouldnt treat me like this if i didnt do something horribly wrong, i was a weak loser and thats why she rejected me, she was my last chance, i will never meet a woman this good that i had such a real connection with, that was the end, this is the end of my life, my life is over, see the thoughts just keep coming and coming.

yeah i was a little weak, but if she were committed to the rel, she would have tried too. she wasnt committed or invested AT ALL, therefore she didnt TRY AT ALL or lift a damn finger or make a damn effort to do the right thing.

she could have tried! she could have done SOME work! she could have made SOME effort!

its a common complaint that “it feels like im doing all the work”.

i hate it when bitches say, well just adjust your expectations and perception then. be happy then. be happy and satisfied with a cold person who is drifting away from you and treating you like shit and you clearly love them 100000000000 times more than you love them.

fook that. thats still one sided as fook. last time i checked rels take 2 people. and i believe white women still have SOME agency. they are not Retarded Children the way the pick up artists, mgtows, and women haters, and virgins, and me would have you believe hahahaha. oh god i hope all women are not retarded children are they?

no some are mature and decent, like woman2012.

bbbbbut woman2015 did show maturity and agency with other men! I just couldnt get her to show that with me!

well because there SHE was getting dumped and SHE was desperate remember. she was so desperate shed have a talk with the men about feeelings.

but when SHE has to dump a guy, her usual method is to ignore them entirely and hope they get the picture. i saw her do it to this one pathetic guy who was in luv with her. but i was way closer to her than HE was. WAY closer. and therefore i never thought she would do the same thing to me. it hurt me more than it hurt him. like i think they are still faceberg friends, she didnt BLOCK him, he didnt have a breakdown, even though he was kinda the type who would. he more or less just had a temporary crush on her.

i dunno why i feel like i have this jury of women judging me, saying: you brought this on yourself, you deserved this, you awful man. dont complain this hurts. you could have stahpped this. you caused this. YOU did this, not her. you made the choice here, to fook up the rel and to make her do this. yes you did betray her, yes you did deserve this. you reap what you sow. etc etc etc.

because maybe i feel Team Woman would always side with her and would always do the same thing to me…..which really Not All Women Would Act This Way.

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or the idea that i am so autistic, so unexperienced, that i will never understand women, and this is jsut one of those things that normie guys understand about women: “yeah its stupid, theyre like retarded children, but if you get feelings for them, they hate you like you are pond scum. just accept it and know thats the stupid way they think.” really???!?!?!?!

ive never been hated like this before! i dont like being hated! i dont like doing things that make people hate me!

i tried to think of when I hated a person like this before. the closest i came was an old roommate in 2001 and woman2005. and yeah it was silly for me to hate them that much. but that doesnt really compare. because with woman2005 i still wanted her, i wanted her back, i hated her for dumping me and then for giving me false hope we would get back together, and then hated her for the happiness she felt from other guys and how she liked other guys way more than she liked me.

but That Person, she hates me with a total contempt and disgust. she isnt jealous for me. she doesnt want something she cant have. i dont even hate individual people like this. i have no frame of reference. the closest thing is my racist hatred for fat, disgusting white mud sharks who defile their race by being fat degen white trash sluts who had mud babies with the worst blacks. and THATS how SHE feels about ME!!!!!

or how about just gross sluts in general, it doesnt have to be just mudshark sluts. but just some ridiculous slut who has been with 50 guys. you just feel disgust and contempt and dont want anything to do with the person.

bach cello suites. i tried to find a white performer hhahahahaha so this guy rostropovich

Polish-German-Lithuanian-Russian family

i know on wikipedia those terms mean nothing, but they usually say in the early life “a j00ish family” or down at the bottom “russian j00s” or something hahahahaha. nothign like that here. also he was friends with soltzenitsyn, so i think we are safe.

not that you cant enjoy a j00ish performer of BACH……i just prefer not to at this point in muh life. there are plenty of options on youtube ni99a.

always read the “EARLY LIFE” section on wikipedia hahaha. rostropovich was a student of shostokovich, who, though the latter was influenced by ((((mahler)))), is still ok. btw stravinsky does not echo. i couldnt remember. it is ((((schoenberg)))) and ((((webern)))) you want to avoid. technically philip ((((glass)))) as well but i have liked some of his stuff.

anyway.

i wasnt used to being hated, esp not for the wrong reasons! and me, the most hateful person in the world, had never hated someone like that before! i have no frame of reference for this!

and you dont like being remembered in a misunderstood wrong way! forever and ever she will remember me as a lower than dirt piece of shit who betrayed her. and thats wrong! i dont deserve to be remembered that way for the rest of her life!!!!! how can the people she knows condone that??!?!?! cant they advise her and say, ya know, youve got the wrong idea about him. because she either tells her own bullshit version of the story to them, or more likely, just tells them nothing at all.

but yeah i never hated a woman like that! except when i was jealously wanting to get back together with her! which is way different than this, where you hate them and want to never see them again, want nothign to do with them. that was more like how i hated my male roomate hahaha.

and i didnt feel betrayed by him, i was just like, yep i did misunderstand him, now i truly understand him, this guy is so fooked up and just so fookin weird. we used to have deep 18 year old teens talks about the meaning of life, and what it all meant maaaannnn, and he came to a hopeless, nihilistic, mgtow, completely atomized and lonely vision of life that i thought was horrifying, and he was completely ok with it. in hindsight he was probably just TROLLING me!!!!!! but rightfully i was horrified that someone should not feel despair over the horrible world he described!

but me and That Woman were very much on the same page re our worldview, and had developed a meaningful relationship with each other. its not like as i got to know her, i thought…..who is this person i thought i knew?

well now i do, after the end hahahaha.

yeah. i just hate being hated. also i just cant understand feeling BETRAYED. even when i hated a person i didnt really feel BETRAYED, as much as SOLD OUT. like, you never really cared about me.  you sold me out and just left me in the lurch.

its hard to get used to the fact that theres someone out there who was very important to you, and they have the wrong idea about you, and will never change it. you want to clear up the misunderstanding but cant.

i would honestly feel better if she didnt hate me! it sucks to have someone important to you just use a guillotine to end the rel, and then go on hating you in perpetuity.

but thats ON HER. if youre gonna hate someone because you feel they BETRAYED you because they got feelings….. thats an indicator of your own immaturity and stupidity frankly. thats not how a normal person views that situation. thats not even how I view that situation!

yeah it was a bad TIME for me to get those feelings. but i admitted that to her, and was willing to admit all the minor mistakes i made. she was not willing to admit any mistakes she made, for example big mistakes like ignoring me and throwing me away.

why would i want someone like that?

becuase she wasnt always like that! her default position to people was one of NICENESS, and i enjoyed that niceness immensely! there were really no red flags that she would treat anyone like this!

she sort of ignored the pathetic acquaintance who was in luv with her, but i didnt think she’d ignore me the same way because i was much closer friends with her.

she cut off the guy who cheated on her, but he cheated on her! he deserved no mercy! shit if some gurl i was in love with cheated on me, id be BEGGING HER to please stop cheating on me and please just get back together with me! when in fact shed probably just dump me altogether. That Woman showed emotional maturity by kicking a cheater to the curb, thats not a red flag, its a good thing!

if anything I would be emotionally immature by begging the cheater to please change, and please dont leave me, ill forgive your cheating 6000000 times, just dont leave me! and then they would leave me hahahaha.

so yeah there were some general yellow flags, but no red flags that she would do something like this to me. so the Red Flag Analysis does not help me process this. nothing helps me process this. it cannot be processed. ultimately, it doesnt really need to be processed. other than to say it was unprocessable, it was a horrible misunderstanding, she refused to listen or empathize or try at all, and i cant make her understand or try, so she will always hate me for a stupid reason.

i dont even KNOW that she does HATE me. maybe its total indifference. well now, 6000000 years later, im sure its indifference. i am just somebody she used to know long ago. and by the way what a piece of shit he was! but that is way in the past. doesnt matter.

well i believe you shouldnt live in the past, but you should appreciate how the past shapes your present and future. for example you just cant unfook all those coks you fooked, all those hearts you broke, all the people you sold out and screwed over. you have to truly repent and make amends and become a better person, or else you will rightfully be viewed with suspicion and distrust. the past is real. its important. its real important hahahaha. it matters.

thats why if a woman says OH THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST, thats a RED FLAG. yes its in the past but the past matters. now tell me how youve changed and become a better person and wont do the same thing again, when youve shown a PATTERN OF BEING SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

you had a baby with a deadbeat in the past. well now you still have a growing baby to take care of.

you cheated in the past. well now we know you have the capability of cheating, vs a person who’s never cheated.

same with sluttishness. you did it once, youre capable of it, you could do it again.

NOT EVEN ONCE. ONCE IS TOO MANY.

yeah i was a degenerate too. but i admit it and i regret it and i will be the first to tell how that was wrong and bad and i never want to do that again!!!!!!!

anyway this is why i want an impartial judge and jury to listen to the facts of the case and determine that i was a little wrong sure, but she is WAY OFF in her interpretation of this, and i didnt deserve this treatment, and shes WRONG to remember me this way!

well maybe she doesnt hate me. shes “just done” with me. or she doesnt feel betrayed by me. shes “just done” with me. fine. but i still say its shitty to just be “done” with someone and dispose of them in this manner. if you want to be just done with someone, tell them and try to make it easy on them. dont just ignore them and give them nothing.

BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. THERE ISNT ANOTHER PERSON IN THE REL WITH YOU.

think of the other person whos heart youre breaking!

i showed empathy to her! i knew what she was going thru! i knew she had a lot on her plate, and that feelings from me were at a terrible time!

but just make an EFFORT to show empathy to me. just a little. ie, see that i want to hang out and talk, so stop blowing me off to hang out and talk.

well i took a break to clean the room. got out a huge bag of throwaway trash/rubbish/garbage, which i am throwing away the way she throwed me away hahahahaha. had to double bag it the way you should probably do it when she spreads that easy pvssy hahahaha to everyone but me. o lord.

anyway, got a huge bag of trash.

and also a pretty big bag of stuff to donate. books and clothes and shit.

AND also moved some stuff into a permanent long term storage bin that will be moved out of the room. this is stuff i cannot bear to throw away, like Journals and Poems and Photos or stuff given to me by long gone friends. that isnt so degenerate i just cant throw it away.

some stuff reminds me so much of the degenerate idiot youth i was, i just threw it away.

its easier to throw stuff away if you dont LOOK at it first hahahaha.

like i threw away a poem/lyric i wrote over 15 years ago that i was VERY PROUD OF at the time, but now i shake my head at what an edgy, dumb teen i was, going down the wrong road with that nihilist or god forbid even communist stuff! that i CAN bear throwing away.

i know my stupid rebellion happened, i dont need any reminders or “keepsakes” or “souvenirs” of how stupid i was. that’s like a slut keeping videos or pictures of the all the slutty secs she’s had. the shits in your memory anyway. its one thing to learn from the past and never forget, but you dont need to TORTURE yourself.

vaccumed the floor of the closet, which had not been done in years, since that was kinda my storage space.

basically GOT RID of this falling apart large cardboard box on the floor of the closet, which was my previous long term storage box till now. threw some stuff out of it. moved everything else to a large study plastic storage bin that will be moved elsewhere. return to the bins once every 2-3 years to throw stuff out hahahaha.

PURGE your STUFF. look for any books, dvds, cds (i am so old i still have a bunch of CDs hahahahaha in storage.) that is DEGENERATE! and just throw it away. or maybe donate it if its not too degenerate hahahaha. maybe some poor blacks will enjoy rolling blunts on your old book by a j00ish neocohen hahahaha.

like i have a super nintendo and some games that i am really hesistant to get rid of. those were honestly great times.

and a bunch of CDs. i already got rid of at least half my CDs but some i had more of an emotional connection to. honestly good memories. i would rather donate them to someone who might appreciate them. i thought muh female friend might appreciate some of them but i will never donate them to her hahahahaha. O. SUCH A TRAGEDY. I CANT DUMP MY UNWANTED GARBAGE ON HER ANYMORE hahahaha. NO, thats not what i MEANT. i meant i knew she actually still listened to CDs (i think) and i would give her no more than 10 CDs of stuff i am pretty sure she would like anyway.

anyway. 1 big bag of trash, 1 bag of d’nations, got rid of 1 stupid big old box, transferred stuff to big plastic container, freed up another good medium plastic container and put other stuff in it.

i swear. PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS are where its at. sterilite, rubbermaid, big ones, and medium ones, with lids. thats what you want. then store and stack em. put stuff near the top that you might use soon.

i would say the smallest you want to get is not SUPER small. make it big enough that you could put a full piece of A5 paper in it facing down. notebooks, folders, shit like that.

if you find yourself looking at a piece of carpet you havent looked at in years, vaccum it.

so i spent at least 90 solid minutes cleaning muh room and it made me feel pretty accomplished. that was good.

i also spilled a huge mug of coffee on the carpet hahahaha.

the falling apart 40 year old cardboard box i tore up and threw away. i was sick of that box being there.

30, 40, 50 year olds are undecided and going to a democratic caucus. come on. there is only one obvious answer here. i could understand a 20 year old twit. but they shouldnt have the vote. you shouldnt have the vote until AT LEAST 25, better 30.

its possible that trumpenfuhrer will disappoint us and sell us out after he wins hahahaha. and never build the wall and let in floods of immigrants and migrants and sell out more jobs to asians. but so would anyone else hahahaha.

like the 50 year old white male small business owner who was thinking of voting for BERNIE. wtf?????????

these fookin politicians hahahaha. degenerate scumbags. so how is a scumbag businessman any better hahaha.

also, i dont like how she thinks she is right and I am wrong. I think I am right and she is wrong. but i need constant convincing. she needs no convincing at all to beleive she is right, ie, that i am in the wrong, that i am an evil betrayer and piece of shit. i obviously dont want her to believe that. because its horrible AND its wrong. and i need to convince myself ERRY DAY that she is wrong and i am right about that fact, and that i dont deserve that.

its hard to put myself in her shoes because ive never been in that position, but i LIKE TO THINK, given my crude approximation of empathy, that i would act a lot better. but men and women are different, SO DIFFERENT, that they CANNOT POSSIBLY see it from the other persons view.

see, i believe men and women are very different, but not SO MUCH that they cant EMPATHIZE with each other. or that you have to say, “WELL, if i were a retarded child with no agency, which is how women are, how would i think about this”? shouldnt have to do that.

like if i had a female friend who liked ME and was signalling hard and wanting to hang out for months and months and months, i would not blow off her hangout. i’d sack up and do what had to be done. i would meet with her, see what she has to say, and since thats a tough thing to say, i would try to grease the wheels by saying, you seem like you have something you want to tell me. youve been acting like you like me. is that it? well im sorry baby i just can luv you like you luv me. sorry to break your heart. you dont deserve that. we should not see each other for a while. i will try to get my desk moved around the corner. or you can hahahaha. i will also not flirt with people from work right in front of you hahaha.

looking for candlemassy semi”traditional” doom…..but more epic. candlemass did not have 10 minute songs. they had like 5 to 6 minute songs. not long enough. so…..lets try some morgion (an all time fav!) and dont forget about before the rain.

and now how about such a band with explicitly pro-white lyrics, and from poland. hahahaha.

trimmed beard as well.

really should get to Gym as well.

but i have only had 795 calories today.

found a bunch of handwritten journals from like 2004, 2005. back when i was still young, still had some potential and hope. well i was not hopeFUL lets say that. i still felt a lot of despair, and threw my life away, and like not, i wrote a lot about it. except then i was drinking quite a bit, and writing the stuff in damn notebooks that need to be stored away in boxes for years to come. so should i just throw the shit away????? i kinda dont want to. hence they get stored in the long term box. maybe in 10 years i can bring myself to throw them away. or i can give them to my wife and children to read to see what a maniac degenerate their father was. yet i am convinced that in those writings you can see my intention to do the right thing, to unfook myself, the nondegen golden heart buried beneath it all.

well as late as 2007/8 i was a self identified leftist. OH NOES.

ok made backups of a livejournal i had going from 2006 to like 2008,9, and some in 11.

it was 707 pages long hahahahahahahahaha.

livejournal does not let you backup pages oh noes.

what would a reasonable, mature person do?

she would have done what i would have done in that situation:

agreed to meet

brought up the topic myself / led them into the difficult topic / asked them straight up on what i suspected the topic actually was

dump them nicely and try not to break their heart

*******understand that a friend developing feelings for you was not a betrayal of the friendship, and no doubt THEY are feeling even more conflicted about than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really the main, only thing she really needed to understand, and which she totally fooking shat the bed on. if i cant convince her of this, i cant convince her of anything. thats something she needs to Learn In Life, Herself.

did she think this was EASY for me? that i was NOT conflicted? obviously the tension was so thick for both of us you could cut it with a knife! i obviously didnt ENJOY this or think it was CUTE!

i have a broken fooking guitar in the basement and brought it up to throw away. i mean the guitar is unfixably broken. the right thing to do is get rid of it, and not let broken shit take up space.

i am not a HOARDER by any means, but i do hoard small amounts of useless junk that really should be thrown away.

out of ALL the people to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, it was ME. like oh. lets not JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. lets HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE STORY rather than fooking BLOCK HIM. maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is (ie thats what she should have been thinking.)

ever since all this shit happened my personal hygiene has been horrible. easily go 3, 4, sometimes 5 days without a shower, takes an effort to brush teeth 1 time a day, that kind of shit. wearing dirty clothes, dirty drawers hahahahaha, going to gym and getting covered in sweat and NOT taking a shower, not changing drawers hahahaha for like 4 or 5 days in a row. i got better about brushing teeth but i would like to get better about taking shower. come on. at LEAST once every 2 days hahahaha.

but yeah this has been a total mindfook. nothing could have prepared me. to have someone you were so close to get rid of you in SUCH a bad way. no it wasnt all in my head, dont you remember when you used to like me as a friend? now you throw me away? because you felt i betrayed you?

give me an ultimatum before pulling ultimatum worthy shit! request a private meeting if you dont want to give the ultimatum in public at stressful job place! then i would have told you my shit too!

it hurts to be thrown away by someone who used to care for you. and she did. i just wish she had reflected more on that before pulling the fookin trigger.

or even cooling off after a few weeks or months and contacting me then, like oooosh i didnt mean to throw you away like that im sorry, let me try rejecting you in a better way.

its probably because she felt so betrayed and thrown away by the PREVIOUS guy, that she is taking that out on ME. human centipede style. because she cant give it back to HIM. well why not? did he block her? i thought she did give him a piece of her mind and tell him what a giant piece of shit he was.  i dont know though.

its just so UNREAL. and knowing youll never make sense of it. knowing there will be no closure. knowing they will always remember you WRONGLY. its very very very hard to just accept that and live with that. it just takes a long time of suffering until HOPEFULLY you become numb to the suffering. 600 days hahahahaha.

and i cant contact her NOW because…..that would be CREEPY, and i have to be EXTRA CAREFUL not to be CREEPY. or else dr nerdluv and atheist elevator skepchick and anita sarkeesian might put me in jail because i made a woman feel uncomfortable for the shitty things shes done hahahahaha.

because its ALL ABOUT THEM hahahaha. i wish she had even TRIED to give a damn about me in the end. thats so frustrating. because she USED to be SO NICE to me. she was nice to everybody and extra nice to me and i was like wow its awesom when women are nice to you instead of huge ice cold bitches. i could see myself liking this.

anyway cleaning the room like that was YUGE. more rewarding than going to the gym. so, once in a while, instead of going to the gym, clean your room instead and get rid of junk. throw away, donate, or put into long term storage.

then once in while, go into long term storage and go through that, try to donate or throw away.

use medium storage boxes to organize stuff you may use in the short term. use large storage boxes for long term storage.

not really good. hahahha. because i did NOTTTTTTT start the rel under FALSE PRETENSES (though MAYBE she thinks i did)

[update aug 2016: yeah i was still going thru a lot of conflict at this time in january. by now i have reached more “closure” and “equanimity”, i.e., it’s easier to see that the simplest explanation is the best, i.e, she just didnt want to deal with a difficult, horribly uncomfortable situation, and just avoided dealing with it altogether. ran away. she probably did NOT hate me or feel betrayed by me. it probably DID cause her pain to end the rel. the rel, and me, probably DID mean something to her. but it was just classic fight or flight. I fought, and she fled. we have all ran away from responsibility, or given up when the going gets tough. and thats all it was. doesnt mean it doesnt suck horribly for me though! it took a damn YEAR for me to reach this fairly reasonable conclusion.]

also its WEIRD HOW MANY PEOPLE would be okay staying friends. with one sided feelings. then they would just try to kill their one sided feelings and appreciate the friendship for what it is. that just is weird as fook to me. cuz i just can kill the feelings. i always want them and need to be away from them for a long time, probably forever. i wish more people understood that!!!!!!

google is it WRONG to get feelings for a friend?

not much good articles. i dont think its WRONG. especially if you are not breaking up relationships or what not. it seems the mature thing to do is to maturely talk about it, without doing a “feelings dump”, and then communicate. not that they women say that. they say well its kinda shitty to tell them about it if they havent given you any signals of interest. women HATE communication and LOVE stupid SIGNALS. god damn stupid. so then YOURE the bad guy when you want to TALK about it. then its a FEELINGS DUMP and too much.

so you dont tell them youre in LOVE with them, you just say i have feelings for you. period. lets go out on a date and cuddle and have casual sex hahahaha.

well what do you call it when the person makes stupid excuses to never hang out wiht you?

then you take the hint and realize they just dont ever want to hang out with you ever again. just lay down and accept that theyre done and its all about them and you dont deserve common courtesy.  hahahaha.

 

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600 DAYS TO GET OVER IT

821

yeah i think i am starting to move on thank god, over a month later. i mean i am not out of the woods at all. as i say, this is no better than 6% recovery. 6 percent in like 37 days. equals 100 percent in….. draw the two fractions and solve for x….using wolfram alpha to do this fairly quickly…. 617 days????? are you fooking KIDDING me???

almost TWO YEARS? to get over this bullshit?

maybe. the internet agrees, or at least the normal well adjusted normalfags of the internet agree, that Ghosting is a veyr painful way of getting dumped.

i do feel a bit vindicated after reading about that ghosting.

the media writes about it because of charlize theron. i think in THAT case, the Ghosting was Atrocious. she is a grown ass 40 year old woman who should know better; she was dating sean penn for a while in terms of hollywood things, at least 6 months, and ghosting is only acceptable for Perfect Strangers and Less Than 3 Dates; which they were not. So the articles should be slamming charlize for being a huge immature B and treating him with such disrespect.

thats what it all boils down to: you show the person NO RESPECT AT ALL. it HURTS to be DISRESPECTED in such a way, when you are not used to receiving such extreme disrespect from others, especially those who once respected you. it just doesnt add up.

i didn’t ABUSE her. I just pushed her to communicate, because there was an elephant in the room that any mature adult would agree needed to be communicated about.

but i was abusive and toxic because i pushed in the wrong way, or too hard, or in a toxic way. i was communicating wrong about wanting to communicate. jesus christ.

ok redoing that wolfram thing. say i am SEVEN percent Over It, then to get to 100 percent would only be… 529 days. ok little better. you see what a difference 1 percent makes! its at a very quickly changing region of the graph.

6 % ….. 617 days

7 % …. 529 days. uhhh expect to be over it end of december 2016. nice.

8 % …. 463 days

9 %…. 411 days

10%….370 days.

well wait. how do i make it a god damn straight line. i am getting a curved line. i want a straight line. i want to know it takes x days to Get Over It Y percent. consistently.

so, 6 percent in 37 days is approx 1 percent in 6 days. therefore, 100 percent in 600 days.

shit.

well, THAT graph IS curved because each situation represents a different RATE OF CHANGE. what the rate of change DEPENDS on is whether i am at 6 percent or 7 percent etc right now! So that is really an important decision to make!

welp, in that time i could probably start and finish HVAC training skool, although probably not find a job as well hahaha.

i kind of think that is what GOD is calling me to, sort of, and all this is another signal.

hahahaha I wish GOD communicated DIRECTLY using actual words, rather than using stupid SIGNALS like a COWARDLY IMMATURE WOMAN.

hahahahaha.

i have a very adversarial, not very friendly relationship with GOD. I resent his absolutely control over my immortal soul. I wish he were a better GOD hahahaha.

why, because i want to jerk off, and have premarital secs, and use birth control, and permit end of life cancer euthanasia, and have the option of abortion maybe be legal?

well yes because its ALL a slippery slope towards degeneracy, immorality, evil, and damnation! all a slippery slope away from GOD!

http://theden.tv/2015/03/18/confessions-of-an-overeducated-ac-man/

this article and series of articles was very instructive for me recently, cant remember if i posted them here, but they are valuable enough to be posted again and again.

a young man who found college only Set Him Up For Failure, because he naively didnt get a STEM degree, so his story has lots of paralells to mine. so after he graduated and couldnt find a job, he became an HVAC man and makes more than he would in an Entry Level Job with a Useless Degree.

he tells the stories of 3 or 4 of his peers, how they are in a similar boat, and how they are struggling in very sad ways, to become adults, throughout their entire 20s, and will more than likely become manchild failures, terminally underemployed or unemployed, in Toxic Relationships with Shitty Women, at best, and terminally forveralone at worst.

great set of articles. another sign from GOD for me.

top one is the first artcile, talk about his own story. here are the ones where he talks about his friends stories:

http://theden.tv/2015/04/24/observations-of-an-overeducated-ac-man-part-2-of-4/

the mystic, a college dropout loser who got into buddhism in the worst possible way, to become a depressed nihilist loser and completely aimless

http://theden.tv/2015/04/28/observations-of-an-overeducated-ac-man-part-3-of-4/

the gamer, another college dropout who smokes weed all the time and is content doing that and working as a waiter

http://theden.tv/2015/05/01/observations-of-an-overeducated-ac-man-part-4-of-4/

the emt, another college dropout who is probably the most successful of the 3, got emt training, got a steady emt job, got a gurlfran, but the gurlfran sucks and he is still too beta to demand respect and demand a better woman. but at least he is much more gainfully employed than the other two college dropouts.  almost as gainfully employed as the college graduate in a trade skool job hahahaha.

lesson learned, dont go to college, go to trade skool. if you do go to college, do a stem degree, focus on your post graduation JOB ASAP, like RIGHT AWAY, like First Year or earlier, so you can get into it IMMEDIATELY after graduating, and do NOT get sucked into college debauchery or degeneracy.

well, if you’re a man, and you are able to pull Easy College Pvssy, i say go ahead, to build your confidence by banging many young beautiful women.

but that’s risky because you may get your heart broken by Flaky Gurls who just want sex, as happened to several of the guys in these stories.

definitely dont drink and party too much because it will hurt your mind and sidetrack your focus on your Career.

i mean you have to be Career Oriented from DAY ZERO if you are gonna go to college……. which is pushed on 100% of Smart Kids in high school.

great set of stories, related a lot with them, thought about getting in contact with the author, best set of articles ive read all year. read them, save them, print them out and give them to your children, if you can ever be gainfully employed and meet a good enough woman to HAVE children. or god isnt calling you to be a childless ascetic beggar virgin hahahaha.

anyway the slant of the website is pretty rightist and even somewhat racialist, so that makes it a far-right neo-nazi site, which may lessen its credibility to Moderates. but this set of stories doesnt get too much into Race i assure you!

i dont see a problem with talking about Race anyway. this is all part of eric holders brave conversation about race hahahaha. also the news says that RACE is like the number ONE or TWO topic in the presidential campaign. race IS a big deal, elephant in the room.

a less scary way of framing it, for whites afraid to talk or think about race lest they get on the sippery slope to becoming an evil closed minded stupid ignorant racist redneck bigot hater antisemite homophobe, is to think about “multiculturalism” and think about has the Melting Pot Experiment really worked out for the best in the past 60 years or so?

i told you i was a racist hahaha dont you read the about page. but i dont turn nonwhites away. i respect that there are nonwhites who are also depressed anxious lazy losers who need help and moral support. you are more than welcome to get that from me. because of course we are all members of the human race.

besides, race is talked about all the time in college classes. always in a marxist antiwhite way, but just saying. we talk and think about race every damn day, get used to it. im just tired of all the white privilege talk and decided to go a different way. because im white and my white privilege was not enough to lift me out of loserness hahahaha. just like all the other white pro-whites. you find this same inferiority complex among all white pro-whites hahahaha. they are trying to compensate for their own personal failures at life hahahaha.

no thats the argument you always hear. and as someone who is a personal failure, it does hit a nerve! maybe the evil marxists are RIGHT!