dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.


military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.




april fools? this is no foolin, aint no motherfookin game motherfooker. this is real life, real pain, real heartbreak.

anyway i figure this is gonna take a LONG time and be VERY painful because it WAS true real luv. if i got over this QUICKLY, that would mean it wasnt real. well it was real. so it is only right and just that it takes a long time.

not like these promiscuous whores who take 99 cox and they BURN OUT their OXYTOCIN RECEPTORS, and are unable to connect with a person.

i think men get oxytocin too, but women probably get it stronger. so its all the more disgusting when a woman has promiscuous secs.

when you fight nature, nature will DESTROY you!

degeneracy can be looked at as SIN if you are a catholic hahahaha everyone is disgusting degenrate sinners

codependent, luv addiction, yep thats me.

i dont think i got truly codependent with her until things started getting bad. then they got REALLY bad.

i think if i had blurted it out before that time, it wouldnt have been so damn bad.

it started out as a pretty healthy rel but then it got extremely unhealthy just because we didnt talk about important shit. that was largely my fault for being afraid to talk about out, but also her fault for avoiding talking about it when i was trying to overcome that fear and actually talk about it. then i couldnt get her to talk about it.

how do you start and keep good communication in a rel? for a while we had good communication, but i was scared t talk about certain things. namely, my feelings and her feelings.

however these things were not so important before I GOT feelings.

if she got feelings and wanted to talk abotu it, i would have been willing! back before i had feelings i mean.

anyway this will take a long ass time to get over BECAUSE it was real. the amount of time and suffering is simply a TESTIMONY to how real and true it was. it SHOULD take a long time to get over, or else i would be like a promiscuous whore taking 99 cox. FORCING yourself through A Long Term Process, and permanently fooking up your brain in doing so.

you need to treat you OXYTOCIN RECEPTORS/PRODUCERS with respect and not rush them or burn them out……or else they might never produce oxytocin again.

so this is the bright side hahahahaha.

again i dont think for the first 3 months of feelings it was CODEPENDENT. but by not communicating about it, i became more obsessed and codependent. so you HAVE to communicate about shit in a TIMELY manner. or shit gets codependent. meaning obsessive, addictive, and baaaaaadddddddd.

did a nice 4.4 miler on a nice sunday afternoon. just feeling the feelings. the best way thru the pain is right through the damn middle. head on.

the depth of the pain just proves the depth of the luv. serious stuff will not be gotten over quickly.

you know who tries to get over shit quickly and what happens to them? women get their heart brokent then jump into a new rel and are having secs with a new guy just to distract them. then 99 guys later, they never get over the first heartbreak, and have burnt out all their oxytocin, and have become a horrible sociopath slut.

thats what happens when you dont feel your feelings, and just jump on cock to AVOID feeling feelings!!!!

heh. i listened to some youtube video of a shrink saying “break up dos and donts” and they advise to do it in person and to take a lot of time for the other person to have their say. to realize it IS going to hurt.

if it DOESNT hurt, something is wrong. extreme pain is NORMAL!

anyway they said that the dumpee feels the most pain right away, but the dumper can also feel the pain LATER. hehehe. GOOD. i HOPE she feels guilt for dumping me in such a disrespectful way. and then comes back to me cuz she decides shes in luv with me and then we live happily ever after, and she becomes my faithful student in learning How 2 COmmunicate good. i will school her in how to communicate. first thing you gotta have is the willingness to talk, and listen, and shit even write letters or emails. i acknowledge that sitting there with the person is an emotionally loaded situaiton, and you may forget to say things, or say things you dont mean. for this reason i encourage supplementing the in-person talks with letters, emails, and also 20 minute voice recordings of you giving them a good solid monologue without interruption. they can reply wiht a 20 minute recording of their own.

or they can just run off with swarthy badbois and get herpes. then keep dumping them until they find one who is dominant enough to not get dumped, or who just knocks them up and dumps them hahahahahaha.

this is all part of muh pain process hahaha. it involves hate and anger and bitterness.

but if you just blame them and see them as the bad guy, then you become a bitter person, said this one youtube shrink. you have to learn something about how you can keep from getting into this situation in the future.

well i totally did.

  1. once you get feelings, TELL THEM. fairly damn soon. within 2 or 3 months at the longest. especially if you are or have been pretty good friends up till then.
  2.  if they refuse to meet with you, tell them “WE NEED TO TALK.” “This is not about hanging out, its about TALKING, and something IMPORTANT i need to tell you.
  3. write them a letter andor email that explains what you want to say in your talk. probably wouldnt hurt to send this even if you do have an in person talk. just to clarify. plus people might not remember everything you said.
  4. then when they reject you, they can hopefully do it respectfully.
  5. the whole process is over and done with in 3 months max and hopefully you minimize your pain.
  6. and avoid falling in damn LOVE with someone who doesnt love you.

and that was the bad thing about waiting so long. is it gave me more time to fall deeper in love with somebody who didnt love me.

so i guess you SHOULD tell them as SOON as you have any INKLING.

  1. tell them as soon as you have an INKLING. tell them “i dont know for sure, but i might be starting to get feelings for you, and i dont want them to turn into full blown feelings unless you think you could have feelings for me too.”
  2. always communicate about her feelings to you, and your feelings towards her. BEFORE you get feelings! and say you gotta be aware that eventually you could develop feels some day. it happened before and it turned out distastrous….but it didnt have to be so damn distastrous, if you have good communication, early.
  3. that is, dont close the door on feelings just because youre friends! i think this is the best way for feelings to be! but it does need to be handled maturely.
  4. ask her if she has feelings for you, and tell her to tell you IMMEDIATELY if she starts to feel any feels even maybe. and that you will do the same.

i didnt know any of this, becuase i never got feels for a female friend. never thought i could. well these are the valuable lessons i learned.

i suppose if she loved me, OR if she were more mature, OR if she also knew these things, she could help me learn these lessons, rather than just ABANDONING me and leaving me to figure things out all by myself. it could have been a cooperative, collaborative effort, but nooooooooooooooo.  i dont think she was that wise, to be honest. she was an emotional relational empathic infant. very immature.

i was just so overjoyed she was not a promsicuous whore, that i couldnt believe she could be Emotionally Immature in OTHER ways which could damage the rel.

i was just so overjoyed to know an attractive young women who had not been with 100 guys!

doesn’t mean they will know how to communicate with you!

now, a tangent. Ethical Sluts pride themselves on communication and boundaries. this would be the one thing i would fully agree with them on. that constant open honest direct communication is a great thing, as well as respecting and communicating your boundaries.

“boundaries” is kinda a confusing idea. i agree its not a clear word. not a clear boundary hahahaha. IMHO a boundary is simply when something hurts your feelings. and it can be crossed by a person doing, or NOT doing something.

they dont need to be aggressively invading you or taking advantage or attacking you. they can be passive aggressive or withdrawing or pulling away or distancing or avoiding you! those are all ways of pushing your boundaries.

so your responsibility is to say, “I feel hurt or disrespected when you refuse to hang out or talk to me. I feel my boundary is being crossed. Lets talk about that. I know we can work this out. It would mean a lot to me if you could Respect Muh Boundary Please. and I will do the same for you. tell me about some of YOUR boundaries.”

there you go. women who have 99 sex partners do not have communication skills THIS good. people who have lived together for 5 years do not have comm skillz this good. damn.

valuable lessons from a breakup

sourced from reddit thread:

ok the reddit thread is short and sucks, cant believe somebody got paid to write a huffpo article based on a reddit thread that as so shitty


1. “A relationship involves two people. I used to put all the responsibility on myself whenever something would go wrong. When her actions would hurt me, I’d think about myself and what I could have done better. In the end, I stayed in that relationship way too long.”


10 Signs You’re In A One-Sided Relationship

oh god i am hooked on reading THOUGHT CATALOG and girly articles about Luv and also Your First After College Full Time Job and how to survive its soul crushing ness hahahaha

This Is How She Feels When She Breaks Your Heart

awful article with great comments lol

google: how to learn from a breakup

Why I Can’t Stay Friends With The Girl Who Broke My Heart

i let myself feel angry and hateful things, even super duper hateful monstrous things.

then i say, I FORGIVE HER, and then Dear LORD please help me forgive her and let go of this pain and hate.

all these dumb articles written by dumb bitches about how heartbroken THEY are after DUMPING a guy. HA!

perfect Hamsterization for the guilt that its right for them to feel, because deep down they KNOW its wrong to shirk responsibility like a cowardly child; to avoid working towards a resolution; to avoid any communication. it would be more respectable to just tell the truth and say the guy doesnt give them Vag Tingles, and they prefer to dump a long term rel rather than work on it or communicate, so they can ride the Exciting C0k Carousel. I acknowledge it exists. and it is DISGUSTING.