very low low quality poast today. also very short. ENJOY!!!

aug 29

ok survived that womans brithday which i think has passed. now she is another year older. definitely past her peak because women peak at 22 or 23 and she is well past that! thank God. but Im sure she still looks good 4 chad and tyrone, as long as she didnt pork up into a huge fatass. and i kinda hope she did. but her family was never fat. i mean her mother looked good for being near 50 years old. damn.

had phone interview with auto tech IT company. seems like great place to work. my salary requirements were in range. it is hourly. from like 15 to 17 bucks an hour. yikes. i said my range is like 12 to 16 hahahahaha.

so i talk to the 22 year old HR gurl today, they said 15 minutes but it lasted more like 27 minutes, is that good? then she will have me talk to the Controller (accounting), which will prob be tougher, and THEN if i impress the controller on the phone, i get to have an in person interview, and then if i do well on that, i get the 15 dollar job.  but the company is well reputed as a good workplace. have benefits. doesnt seem like 50 hour weeks hahahahaha.  the big challenge is keeping track of all the engineers and getting them to enter their time.

i marked the phone thing today as .5 of an interview.

tomorrow i have actual 1.0 interview with testing lab. i guess it used to be a big local name until 2011 when they were bought out. but this company is getting massive growth though. how. why. are they breaking the backs of their slave labor? they have a reputation for Precision and Accuracy. like they are getting certifications and accreditations and testing car and plane and parts and shit where failure could mean people die. you cant really cut corners on that……………..can you? well sure you can. you just determine the limit of acceptable risk. how many wrongful death lawsuits are you willing to deal with. how many millions of dollars per year can you afford for this type of shit hahaha. its all abotu acceptable risk. risk management. im sure they have lawyers. in house corporate counsel. the company is worth at least 1 billion dollars hahahaha. well that includes 50 facilities. it damn well BETTER be worth over a billion! i mean shit the facility im going to tomorrow has to be worth at least…..10 million? they do like 30 different tests and shit. shit isnt cheap.

changed the posting schedule of this blog, to post on wednesday, saturdays, and sundays. figuring people have more time to read on the weekends, so, fresh posts on saturday AND sunday. and then one during the busy week hehehehe.  with a bunch of extra posts around crimbo and new years as a GIFT to muh LOYAL READERS hahahaha.

aug 30

940 am, all showered and shaved and dressed up ready to go to interview, leave in 10 or 15 minutes, maybe have a ridiculous coffee anxiety poop again hahaha. why not.

you basically got to give them the confidence and be the most positive, can do person ever. and that was really lacking last week for the IT job i really wanted. this job today i am kinda meh. but its another interview towards muh goal hahaha. number 18.5 hahaha. gotta get to 25. maybe 30. maybe 40. hahahaha.

gene wilder dead? thats kinda sad. he was truly funny and talented and i feel he had real integrity and i wish he did more in his old age. was he a J? I just assume he was, but i am not 100% sure. I know I’ve looked it up before. he isnt screamingly J like mel brooks.

yes he was. totally J. not really suprised there. looks like he had alzheimers. i did not know that.

AYO HOL UP. If he was so DEVASTATED by his wife gilda radners death in 1989 that he retired from acting, and i thought they had True Luv….. then why the hell did he get married to his fourth wife in 1991? a paltry 2 years later? Gilda Radner should be rolling in her grave! that is like him taking a dump on her grave!

i couldnt imagine the Luv Of My Life DYING tragically of cancer, and then me getting MARRIED to a new woman TWO years later!


but what do you expect out of a damn J? hahahaha.

i guess i dont know the full story but that is still a little suspect. when i lost the luv of my life it took a full year for me to stop hating all women ahahahaha. and so now a year from now, i need to be MARRIED, after finding another good woman, falling in luv, getting to know them, etc.

a new low of 137.0 pounds today, that is nice. i guess i would like to get down to 130. before i said 135, now i say 130. maybe i am anorexic hahahahahahahaha.

had interview with the testing company. huge warehouse crammed with tons of machines and stuff. did they say my number was too high or too low with the number I gave them in the application? I then reiterated my range as 12 to 14 today. the two managers were nice enough. nothing funny in the interview. except the chair I was sitting in kinda sucked and made me look shorter than I am. and I am a damn MANLET as it is. I shoulda just made a Joke and then switched it with another chair. I was wearing muh suit. they were wearing polo shirts with the company logo.

dear gmail, do you have a feature to list the UNREAD (bold) messages? that would make a lot of sense if you like archive or move messages to folders….but havent read them yet.

you gotta type is:unread

i mean i can do this, but normies really cant, and even thats not the point. GOOGLE should have a better UX. UI. whatever. hahahaha.

i mean the interview went ok. better than the shitty one last monday. i tried to be confident and positive. if you can’t be super confident, at LEAST be POSITIVE as FOOK. I was pretty positive and somewhat confident.

so what WAS the pay? 13 an hour? seomthing around that. there are also benefit, health insurance, 401k, time off.

company is in GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT phase which means very busy. high prob of overtime. might involve going to a place 40 miles away. main facility is only 7 miles away. i was unaware of the 40 miles place. heh. it seemed like less than 50% of the time youd be going out there.

i had plenty of questions for them, i tried to act interested, tried to show i knew a little bit about the company, that i did my Homework and Due Diligence. I mean all job search advice tells you to do this. and I Do Do it!!!!!!!

but how do I do it compared to the other 5 people they are interviewing?

it was 5 or 6 other people interviewing they said.

finally got my TRS T shirt. it looks really good hahahahaha. apparently it was a small company that received its biggest order ever, so the guy was Busting His Ass to produce 500 shirts or whatever. well good. he seems happy for the business and has not complained about TRS being racist and he’s too good to take lots of money from racists.

some guy on the Despair Forums messaged me about being Alt Right, and I got all excited, and babbled for a little bit. he responded and I am trying to feel him out. It is safe to say we are in pretty different areas of the alt right. shit I think this guy might even be BLACK, hahahahahahahahahaha.

well then he is a black with his head on right hahahaha. he believes trump could help the blacks more than hillary, and i agree.

but yeah i am not really gonna be able to talk with a black about huhwhyte nationalism hahahaha.

hahahahaha and i thought alt right was just a DOGWHISTLE for “IM A WHITE RACIST!!!! WINK WINK!!!”

so i got excited to find another white racist……when in fact he is possibly a black nonracist. OH WELL. at least he is a Rightist!





yeah loveshack and relshiptalk are all good. god bless them. and me. all of us.

well SHE is at no contact for 6 weeks and I am only at no contact for 2 weeks.

well if she SAW the email, then technically she KNOWS i contacted her. doesnt matter if she didnt read it! then we are both at no contact for 2 weeks. HA!

BUT if she BLOCKED the email and doesnt even KNOW i sent it…… diff story then.

anyway she is OVER IT. she was OVER IT in ONE DAY. meanwhile it will take me like a YEAR to get over it.

that means i Luved her LITERALLY 365 TIMES more than she luved me.

that is a pretty goddamn big difference.


but yeah it IS a shock because we had a decent friendship, i felt like i knew her. we had COMMON VALUES and a common way of looking at the world. so its all the more frustrating that we could not communicate with each other about our rel. we could communicate about other stuff!!!!!!!!!!

thats the frustrating thing. we DID communicate very WELL on other stuff, like just talking to each other and becoming friends very quickly! but we could NOT talk about the problems in Our Rel!

I was willing! She was not!

yeah we had those areas we had problems communicating on. like talking about her rels with Men, and my Rel with Her. basically talking about her Rels. it was DIFFICULT for me. it was IMPOSSIBLE for her. so impossible in fact, she would rather throw the whole relationship away than TALK about it!!!!!!!

do i really want to be in a Long Term Rel with someone like that???!?!?

yes yes i do hahahahaha

because i know its not intentional, i know she is a better person than that.

unfort i cant MAKE her treat ME better.

i cant MAKE her do a god damn THING. i am totally HELPLESS here.

helpless helpless helpless helpless.mp3 hahahahahahaha

yes thats a neil young song. technically a CSNY song but it is all neil hahaha.

went for a third 2.8 miler, so up to 8.4 miles for the day. at 168.8 pounds from 169 the other week hahahaha

>tfw you have to Jog 8 miles a day to lose 1 pound per month lol

took a damn shower for the first time in 3 days hahahaha

REALLY? i was THAT annoying by being PUSHY for wanting to TALK about an obvious problem, that it warranted her cutting off all contact with me forever?

i think the best explanation is that she is AFRAID more than anything. she is straight up PARALYZED BY FEAR and nothing i can do can make her less afraid.

i only knew of one super beta orbiter she had, she would complain about him and try to avoid him too! i mean this guy was pathetic, about 10000000 times more omega than me. i cant remember what i told her when she told me, this was like 2 years ago. i said jeez why dont you just tell him str8 up youre not interested and you HAVE A BOIFRAN for gods sake.

I think she said he knows she had a boifran? and they all went out to dinner, her, her boifran, and this pathetic guy, and she thought that would send him the message. signals. it did not of course.

so i said just tell him already, i have a boifran, im not interested, sorry, and i cant remember what she said to that. something like oh god thats so awkward, probably.

well i was a lot closer to her than this weird beta orbiter.

i guess he was really anxious and mental. well i can relate to that!

he stopped liking her stuff on FB all the time but she did not unfriend or BLOCK him like she BLOCKED me!

BLOCKING says clearly she doesnt want to talk but says NOTHING about why:

does she hate me? is she afraid of me? is she afraid of the whole situation? paralyzed by fear and anxiety? she doesnt want to see me because it would be hurtful TO HER? her seeing ME is too hurtful? does that means she luvs me?

i swear to GOD i will never dump someone like this.

hows it so hard to write an email?

because she feels I would be able to “win any argument” because i am more Articulate and In Tune With Emotions than she is, so i would use that to Control or Manipulate her?

besides, even if she did communicate, i would prob still push her to Try To Like Me.

so that doesnt mean that all communication is useless!!!!!

i would have had communications with her about my feelings towards her, stuff like yeah i know its a bad time for you but is there any possibility. lets at least get this in the open cuz its KILLING ME and you need to know and i need to tell you cuz its KILLING me. please halp it stop killing me and lets put it on the table and see if we can live with it.

obviously we could not!


terrible dream last night, and also very little sleep after staying up extremely late to watch ridiculous movie on TCM, steve mcqueen in “an enemy of the people” which was an ibsen play and he was intentionally playing “against type” but looked great with long hair and long beard. but the movie was confusing and wasnt sure i liked it or even understood it.

then horrible dream. i was with the woman and a man supposed to be her most recent lover, where that ended badly for her and broke her heart late last year.

so three of us there. i was sort of touching her and being loving to her and not sure if we were Making Out, but she was indulging me, cuddling with me not super passionately, but i was desperate and loved it. the bad boy boifran was chilled out and did not care, was not jealous in the least.

then a short time passed and it was time for her to “switch over” to him, i guess the understanding was that she would alternate her attentions back and forth between me and him.

she was immediately much more passionate with him and jumped on him with some kind of lascivious, salacious, tongue thing, and then it got pretty weird, like them licking each others faces like animals and spitting on each others faces and mouths in a crazy and sexual way and she became a Wild Sexual Animal, and i had gotten none of that, but sort of wanted it.

I think I got angry and then spit on her, and then they got angry, and i said “WHAT, you guys are spitting on each others faces, why can’t i spit on the back of her head?”

when the idea was, they were spitting on each other as some weird sex thing that was getting her all hot, and i was spitting on her in disgust and anger for her being way more into him than she was into me.

and i got extremely jealous, in contrast to the other guy’s chillness when she was giving attention to me.

so i was hating because he got to spit on her but i couldnt. plus his spitting was different. also she WANTED him to spit on her and didnt WANT me to spit on her, so technically i was “raping” her in a way, doing something to her against her will. and i wanted her to want me like she wanted him.

then we entered into some weird “sex prostitution market zone” where it was legal and encouraged for people to sell sex services openly. I wasnt really into the idea and joking with her, oh are you gonna sell your body too?

and she quickly said yes like it was normal and no big deal for her to do that.

REALLY? i said, now shocked and surprised. EVEN ANAL?

there was a list of suggestions for Suggested Sex Services and Recommended Retail Prices, like regular sex, oral, anal.

and just as quickly and matter of factly she said yes, like she does this every day.

and i saw she was charging a Low Price of Fifteen Dollars for Anal Sex, and I said “Can I get in on that?”

and she said Yeah sure. but not in a Special way, but more like Well Any Paying Customer who has $15 can fook me in the ass, no big deal.

then i found myself being pushed into a sex zone, where i had no idea what was going on, i hadnt signed up for anything. also it turned out that some merchants were FILMING all of the sex and making pornography.

I might have prostituted myself to bang some attractive women, but i did not realize everything was being filmed. i said oh no i didnt sign up for this, her sleazy boifran forged my signature! he forged my signature! and then i ran out of there. the sleazy but chill boifran, and my female friend, had no qualms about selling themselves and being filmed on video. i ran out of there.

thats about it. it was basically disappointment and disgust in her being ok with being a True Whore;

and happiness when she let me cuddle with her;

and anger and jealousy when she gave more passionate action to the other guy.

she not only have much greater sexual attraction to him but you could tell she liked/loved him more too, and that the sex came as a package deal with that love, as it should IMHO!!!!!!!!

sex with somebody you love.

thats what i liked about her, is she never reached the stage many women do, where they separate sex and love, or even just sex and emotion, making sex no strings attached.

she would not have secs with a guy unless she at least LIKED him.

she would get jealous and upset if the man was distant or suspecting of cheating.

i think that is only normal! you SHOULD at least LIKE your sex partners and WANT to have an exclusive relationship with them, where they do not have sex with other people!

this used to be normal thinking.

but in the postmodern degenerate postmoral cesspool shithole world, sex means nothing, its just entertainment you do after your fulfilling career, or not so fulfilling career. but just mere FUN and nothing more.

she knew it was MORE THAN MERE FUN. i felt the same way, so i liked her for Sharing My Values about Sex.

honestly in the (LONG!) time i knew her, i never saw this value change in her. i only knew her to have secs with 2 guys, both of whom she had genuine feelings for. shit maybe she didnt even have actual secs with that second guy, though that would really be pushing it.

and In A Crummy World were most women her age have Sex after the Second Date, and are Always Dating A New Guy one immediately after another, maybe several at the same time, that means they do not have Real Feelings for anyone, and are also having Sex with a Lot of People, who they dont have Real feelings for.

i think this is sick and degenerate and SAD and I am seeking a Partner who agrees with me, and i think she agreed with me, even though she could probably not articulate it as well hahahahaha. which is also prob why she was scared to talk to me, because she knows i am 100000000000000000 times more articulate in Talking About Feelings than she is hahahahaha.

but she was willing to talk about feelings when SHE had a lot of herself invested, like with those two guys. THEN she would go all in and be willing to have those difficult conversations.

but NOT WITH ME. not when she DIDNT have a lot invested, and she had been deinvesting for months.

it was a SHOCK when it ended for me, like ripping the bandaid off.

it was no shock at all for her, more like an old wet bandaid just falling off already. she had checked out months previous.

i had not checked out. i was moving more IN. i didnt want to believe it was over. i would stubbornly fight to fix it. but she was already checked out.

anyway the SHOCK was so great for me, it took at least a month just to start to get past the SHOCK. now i can get into the REAL pain hahahaha.

that dream did not help.

i went on linkedin today and looked at that stupid world.

if you want to do good on interviews, read linkedin for 2 hours a day. see how your successful career “friends” present themselves. read the BLOGS AND ARTICLES by successful career people, talking about the Ideal Employee and Fit and Grit and Culture and Achievement and Success and Team Leadership and Work Ethic and shit. BRAINWASH yourself with that shit until you can speak that language fluently without even trying.

articles by strong independent career women in the career workplace. the inside story of the woman who worked at amazon and was misquoted by the NYT in the july 2015 story that amazon


“advice for the broken” from MUH BRUH Millennial Woes

how did i miss this vidya

good comments as well. would like to see him do vidyas like this…….2 videos a month or more hahahaha. his political and social commentary is of course very valuable but i like his Personal Growth material as well.

great guy who has also been in the abyss of despair, has known true luv and heartbreak, and actively fights degeneracy and communism hehehe. if i lived in scotland i would try to meet up with him hahahaha. well if i lived in his actual town since no person is kewl enough to TRAVEL for, and this is of course why Long Distance Relationships fail, because humans are disposable and replacement, and you can find Just As Good a Replacement Friend/Lover who is Closer Geographically 2 U

ok yeah but reading that linkedin stuff  i thought these people are not my people, i would never fit into these jobs, THIS WORLD, even with people i was/am friends with.

but the best is seeing peoples little sisters who are 9 years younger than you being successful and normie. hard working normies who have 10 different jobs throughout college and then get a good entry level career job right after college and you remember when they were a preteen hahahaha and now they are a bigger winner at age 22 that you are at age 30-35 hahahaha.

good times man

time for a 2.8 miler before it pours rain