BE MORE EFFICIENT = CUT CORNERS; BE GENTLE WITH PEOPLES HEARTS AS A GENERAL RULE OF LIFE

april 26

had somewhat weird dream, did not include the woman, but included references to at least three other women. one was “woman4” aka “woman2005b”. the two other women in the dream were gurls that I was fond of in my middle school years. back in the 90s hahahaha. but i  never became friends with them or talked to them. one was a disgusting problem mudshark badboi luver even at age 14 hahahaha. mudshark slut at 14. not a good sign. turrible choice, total trash, but for some reason i was fixated on her. other one was a much better choice: a happy healthy nice sweet gurl also in my grade who I really should have made an effort with. kind sweet girl, nice, pretty, i dont know why i wasnt more obsessed with her at the time. would have been a good wife and mother of children. If i knew her just a years later, i prob would have fallen in totes luv with her.

this all might be my brains way of telling me SEE, you can get feelings for other women too, like you had for THAT woman, you also had feelings for at least 3 other women, so, you WILL get over this.

or maybe its suggesting that That Woman was a mix of many women, many traits: she was super nice and kind and friendly like that one nice gurl, AND she was a bit of “rebel” because of her MJ and rock and roll music, AND she was a Mudshark In Training, but not a huge mudshark or huge slut, and she was cold and uncaring too hahaha.

TLDR: I should have just got with the nice sweet brown haired girl in middle school and lived happily ever after. too bad i didnt know her in high school. you hear of high school sweethearts but never middle school sweethearts. i think you are just too young to make those decisions at that age. hahahha. kind of like how at age 18 you are too young to make long term decisions about college and career. you just want to fook and smook MJ and drink and fook like a degen1993r hahahaha. But its also a good time to be married to your high school luver and start having keeids. i mean you CAN work and support keeids. you just cant make great decisions about fookin grad skool and what your career will be in 10 years. you need a lot of firm guidance to keep you on the straight and narrow and not turn into a wayward degen1993r. a young wife and kids and steady job would probably do that for you.

well some industrious, initiative showing 18 year olds are able to get FT jobs, and by the time they are 21, they are management tier, and they never lose that. they go to another company and start as a manager.

poor me, i keep getting knocked down to level 1 and have never advanced beyond level 1! and i’m way older than 21!!!!!! and I might be old enough to be the father of an 18 year old hahahaha.

fook. she was always a poor me im a victim of circumstance, woe is me, i get shit on, im a victim, too. i dont know if she wanted pity and sympathy, maybe. I like getting pity and sympathy a LITTLE bit. also she had a legit tuff life and just a lot of bad stuff happened. just unfortunate.

but yeah i just get angery thinking about her moving up in her career, like a NORMIE, while i keep moving DOWN. who moves DOWN? LOSERS. who moves UP? NORMIES.

well i HAVE moved UP though. job2013 to job2015 was a big step up in terms of status and money. and also ungodly stress and being pushed to your LIMIT. theres a difference between getting out of your comfort zone, and being on the verge of a nervous breakdown all the time hahahaha.  the difference between Eustress and Distress. I cant believe some management asshole invented the word Eustress.  GET IN THE OVEN NOW.

i remember that slut mudshark white trash girl from middle school still looked bangable somewhat recently, I looked her up on facebook hahaha. maybe she would bang me if i contacted her because she thinks im successful and rich now because i was a huge smartie dork in middle school. hahahahaha jokes on her. whos the real asshole here hahahaha. i would just bang her in the ass 6000000 times before I revealed I was neither rich nor successful hahahaha. just blow her 30 year old ass OUT.  i dont recall seeing any babies or black boifrans in the pictures. i did see a Big Guy white trashy boifran in some pictures tho hahaha.  like a 36 year old guy who in 2016 his favorite band is pantera, who has to be bribed with tons of secs in order to dress up in a shirt and tie for a special occasion hahahaha because only faggots wear anything but pantera tshirts all the time hahahaha. and have tattoos of skulls and white zombie devil girls or some shit. and at age 36 thinks its awesome to be smooking tons of MJ and drinking tons of beer and whiskey. but he makes an ok living at his construction job and has moved up to foreman or supervisor or some shit. he will probably get hooked on Opioids for back pain. and become an even more surly and angry Opioid Addict hahahaha. and she is hopelessly in luv with that guy. will give 200% to him. give him all the chances in the work. make an effort to make it work with him.

i dont know why i liked her. because she was really hawt thats why. and I thought it was so sad that she was throwing herself away on such trashy guys. i wanted to totally be her white knight. why couldnt she be a NICE GURL. she must be breaking her fathers heart. did her father even CARE? she had a sister who wasnt such a bigass whore….or was she? anyway I kinda knew she was a Bad Choice, and I was vaguely aware of that Nice Gurl being a much better choice…..the timing was just bad. if i were to meet that nice girl just a few years later. maybe i should look HER up. i dont want to go on facebook though. i think i DID look her up but couldnt find her.

anyway who cares. i am going to this unpaid orientation meeting for the call center 17 dah job. why am i not even nervous about that? because its not the actual job. im going to the recruiters office. not the job site where the actual phones are answered and minds lost hahaha.

does andrew zimmern the joo still smook MJ or is he totally clean. i want him to do a show on his drug addict past.

once again went to fatclub yesterday and saw this woman who used to work with Me and That Woman. I never really talked to this other woman so now when I see her at the fatclub I ignore and avoid her hahahaha. I guess I could try to bang her but she seems kinda bitch and crazy. would be fun to bang but not fun to hang out with hahahaha.

so you dont hang out with them! just bang them and leave! the more you hang out with them not bnaging them, the less they want to bang you anyway.

but i dont like her slutty tattoos and I always make remarks about her getting fooked by n1993rs hahahaha. or just getting fooked by large numbers of random white guys too. the shadier the better. its not a great thing to get fooked by tons of white guys either. especially when you pick the most degenerate ones. why not pick a nice winner making 80k as an engineer? honestly LOTS of tall handsome white boys become engineers. make 80 grand a year and make the best husbands and fathers. yet you gotta pick the white deadbeat who drinks and drugs too much and cant hold down a job, but hes tall and sexy and mysterious badboi hahahahaha.

pick the badboi who has a chance of supporting you and your children! there are some good badboys out there who can be good providers! why cant women differentiate the good badboys from the bad badboys?  because the good badboys dont seem BAD enough? because its TRULY BAD to be a bad provider?

well I’m the worst provider there ever was! date me! let me fook you! please! hahahaha.

hopefully today I will learn more about the shitty call center job and have another chance to be like listen, recruiters, I had a really bad experience. can’t you PLEASE just find me a simpler data entry job? something with lots of excel, not a lot of customer contact, and not a god damn call center? i dont CARE that I have over a year of recent call center experience on my resume! i want to move AWAY from that!!!!!!!!

ok had the meeting. there were 2 higher up ish recruiters there, one Hawt Young entry level recruiter, and one….i dont know, advocate or liasion who was technically working or the agency, but worked right at the client site. turns out the client could not handle their own staffing needs to recruit a Sufficiently Professional Staff. everyone they hired, enticing them with an attractive wage, was not “professional” enough to satisfy the company or its callers, could not meet the service level agreements.  problems with attendance. problems with phones. problems with following the rules. one new employee smoking cig in the building, causing fire alarm for whole building and like 20 minute shutdown of the Call Center. He was Terminated.

uhhh 51 out of 60 of the people placed by the recruiter were still there.

the company merged with another company recently who began taking actions about quality.

this tells me that the company is not training the employees enough and holding them to unrealistic standards.

so fire the people who cant keep up, and hire an outside recruiter to try to find Better People….with even better pay. so we sign an NDA to not discuss our wage with anybody. because we will be making moar than some people there.

is this all code for blacks who talk really black on the phone?

or flustered people that sound like they dont know what theyre doing because how do you train people, and level 2 doesnt want to escalate cases?

but there would be some training in the huge expensive epic emr system. valuable training that normally costs thousands of dollars for this demonic, evil program hahahaha.

there was only one other candidate in there with me. a dorky young man but who seemed fairly normie and confident and not a fat autist neet. he had worked with pharmacies and emrs before.

well i do know if you miss a day in your first 90 days, you are terminated hahahaha.

the guy who got fired for smoking called the temp agency and said can you find me another job. they said nope sorry.

so i am worried that if i ragequit, then i am burning muh bridges with the temp agency to get me a nice data entry job with no phones.

holy shit, the glassdoor and indeed reviews are worse than i ever expected. it sounds even worse than my previous employer hahahah. terrible management, thrown to the wolves, a guy working 100 hour weeks and getting fired was the best day of his life, very cliquish, good performers never get promoted, impossible to become a good performer, give better service to “big dog” clients, lip service, warm bodies to answer the phone, impossible deadlines, death march, work through lunch, etc. no help, no one to back you up, just to tear you down, the talented lower level employees make this company run, but show them no thanks, and just work them to insanity, so many people are leaving, etc.

it sounds worse than i ever expected! and lots of it due to a takeover by another company in 2014. an indian company that seems to want to offshore everything and only pays lip service to providing good service to its customers. and if they treated their customers the way they treated their employees…..they wouldnt have a company any more. this is a sinking ship. walk dont run. this is what the reviews said from many disgruntled employees hahahah.

now i just heard that my former employer is shutting the department down completely. EVERYONE is out of a job forever there. holy SHIT. I figured this was gonna happen within 2 years, but now this soon!

meaning, That Woman is permanently out of a job.

heh. well she could probably get in at this other shitty place.

april 27

ok i already lost sleep worrying about this stupid call center job. i think i am gonna say NO and not go on monday. This would be better than walking off the training with no notice i think. it just sounds like the company has the worst management ever. cant they think about the long term? oh but you have to make it thorugh the short term to get to the long term. well they have been around for the long term already……and it seems like shit changed when this shekel clutching indian bought the company 2 years ago. there was a pronounced shift in culture and morale.

i am the best customer service person ever. I take the side of the customers and want to help them and make them a raving fan of me and how i am the best person in the company. however the company does not like this because I take too much time to help people. i take too much money to help people.

i mean in situations where people have valid questions, like my shit is broken and i need to fix it, not i be blakk gibs me dat. but i’m having a real problem, help me out please.

well i’d like to, but i have to get you off the phone in 7 minutes to reach the service level agreement your company has with my company.

well that sucks.

take it up with your manager…..not mine. because mine is not gonna talk to you. also he’s probably gonna throw me under the bus because he doesnt know the reality of taking calls and fixing problems.

the Target Metrics are Unreasonable. the Service Levels are Unreasonable. The Sales Department makes extravagant promises that THEY are never held accountable for because they dont provide the service.

so service hates sales because sales crushes them with unrealistic expectations. and sales hates service because they are lazy bums who can’t deliver on our promises hahahaha. when if sales walked for ONE DAY in the shoes of service, they’d SEE.

well we didnt have a sales dept at our old place. we were in house tech support. company. no contracts, no SLA’s. at this new place, its SLA’s, MSA’s, clients, being billed for service, billed by the minute maybe. billable billable billable. was emphasized in the shitty reviews.

I would almost rather work in a RESTAURANT. it seems more real and more human. real people doing things that you know can be done.  here, you dont even know what is possible or not.

work more efficiently. work faster.

how would you suggest I do that sir?

I don’t know. that’s your job. figure it out or youre fired.

do what youre doing now, just do it better and faster. streamline your processes.

this is always code for cut corners so you can be “more productive.”

your management WANTS you to cut corners when serving the customers.

this is fine when your customers are dumb sacks of shit, but I never view customers that way. I treat them the way I would want to be treated. In Good Faith.

this is why i hate managers. they really dont know shit. well, in that field they dont know shit. well, the higher level managers that have never answered a phone. fooking soft phaggots.

you need to be so exhausted at the end of the day you dont have time for health or family, but you are also so worried about the next horrible day, that you cant sleep.

trumpenfuhrer is giving a foreign policy speech and sounding more presidential. I have no doubt he is capable of sounding very “presidential” in tone. why do people even care about that. who cares about that other than anti trump people.

he will probably be a disappointment but so would anyone else. i am on the trump train all the way. no not all trump supporters are white nationalists hahaha. and not all white nationalists are trump supporters hahahaha. but i would say a Sizable Plurality of them are, hahahahahhahaha. yeah I mean you can vote for bob whitaker or whoever is doing american third position party. and whitaker has done some great work, and i think kmac is involved with that party, and kmac is top tier. but like only 100 people in the US even know who bob whitaker IS. trump is on tv 24 hours a day and literally even the dumbest normie women and blacks know who he is. he does well with some women and blacks! he loves the uneducated! he makes dogwhistle tweets mentioning white nationalists hahahaha.

i just dont want him to sell US out to chindia hahaha. but anyone else would have done that anyway, and with no strong talk about BUILD A WALL.

anyway I am a trump guy and I may come to not be so proud of that if he wins. but I want him to win! i dont want anyone else to win! im ashamed to say i dont have a trump hat yet!

but yeah I think more people who hated trump will come over to him as he becomes more and more the Strong Horse.

wow the temp agency gave me access to a Skillsoft Skillport Learning Management System (LMS) which has tons of videos and modules. This is actually very good. There is a lot of courses and modules on there that you can’t get for free on the internet. Plus I think Skillsoft has been developing content for years. probably not a good company to work for though hahahah. just because they have been around for 15 years doesnt mean theyre GOOD.

we had something like this in my old job but nothing that was really helpful for my department. so it was more useful to spend my free time studying actual cases rather than use the LMS.  the LMS would be a lot more useful to the normie employees doing the regular business of the company. not to us who were fixing the companys hardware and software and Tech Infrastructure.  for that there was very shitty documentation.

read the manual stupid!

but there is no manual!

or the manual is absolutely fookin retarded! YOU read the manual and tell me what it says! yeah! its bullshit! you need a manual for the manual, AND I strongly suspect that lots of important stuff has been LEFT OUT!

I dont care if I am missing out on valuable training in epic emr software. i hear the shit sucks anyway. and is probably collaborating with FEDGOV in unwholesome ways much like I suspect my previous employer was.

although the idea of electronic medical records makes perfect sense to me. although it also makes sense to me that EMR is just as much a CLUSTERFOOK than paper medical records. hence the transitioning which takes years, the bloated and mysterious software, the bugs, the service people dont know if its a bug or a feature and the programmers are too busy to look at it, you have the service people look at it.

SET UP TO FAIL hahahaha. thats exactly what they do and thats why theres high turnover and you can ALWAYS get a job at these places.

i was watching married at first sight the first year, which comes back to the people who chose to stay together. and now they are having problems. and the 28 year woman who threw her ring down the drain because she didnt feel her husband cared about her, she said, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT, AND TWO TO BREAK IT.

WRONG, BITCH! I fumed at the TV. it takes TWO to MAKE it, but it only takes ONE to break it. YOU broke it. YOU are not givng him a chance. not listening to HIM. YOU are being the bad guy to him. YOU are not willing to work on this. HE is. and of course now you’re blaming HIM and saying it takes TWO to break it. fook you bitch. you dont deserve him hahahaha.

so women, the masters of relationships, really have no idea how relationships REALLY work. they are like the managers of the call centers who have no idea of how to actually do calls and solve problems. they just fire you when you cant live up to their unrealistic standards. oh god. such a great analogy good job me.

they dont know how shit works, they just want you to WORK HARDER and WORK BETTER when THEY are the source of the problem, then they dump YOU because you can’t walk on water, and you’re the bad guy because you weren’t willing to walk on water.

how do you write such good women, well i think of a man, then take away all reason and accountability, hahahahahahaha.

if that 28 year old woman had been married with 3 or more children, she wouldnt be such an idiot asshole.

Heh I am turning down GREAT money just because of some shit some disgruntled employees said on the internet. glassdoor.com. yeah well when there is such a pattern of reviews. also the company could put plants in to write more positive reviews. BUT THEY DIDNT! there were barely any positive reviews, and the ones that were sounded like they were written by black children. THESE ARE THE BEST PLANTS YOU CAN BUY???? While the bad reviews sounded like they were written by intelligent, hard working people, who were rightfully bitter from being shit on. You can get a sense of how intelligent a person is by HOW THEY WRITE. The negative reviews were more numerous, more detailed, and more intelligent than the few positive reviews. There is a real pattern there.

the short term mindset!!!!!! they dont vet the people they are hiring! that’s why they are outsourcing the hiring to someone ELSE!!!!! they dont vet the plants who are supposed to be improving their image on glassdoor! they just hire a TOTAL MORON to write OBVIOUSLY FAKE reviews!

It reminds me of my old company sort of: we had an internal message board where the end users of the new program could ask questions, ask for help. great idea, potentially great resource. I read that shit every DAY to try to learn more about the program, the users, the problems, and the fixes, and watch what the higher ups would say to the end users basically.

Except for the first month or so of the message board, which was not well promoted and only Super Employees like me even KNEW about it, the questions were answered by Obviously Morons who had just been hired with no training. Who would post back “Good quezchun bla bla. let me look into that 4 u and I reply later. sinsurrly, shaneek’wa jankins”

then they would reply many hours later with absolutely useless information that didnt really answer shit. Its like a teacher needing help and then asking a first day student for help. its ass bakcwards.

then the person needing help, who was writing more intelligently than the person hired to “help” them, would say, you know, I don’t think you’re getting this, what I’m saying is bla bla bla

then the idiot level 1 would post “Thank you, let me look into that” and then come back with “You must call the service desk and create a service ticket number.”

so then you call us and either get someone as dumb as shaneequa, or someone as smart as me. or someone who is smart but they are flustered and overwhelmed and they seem dumb. like me in my first 6 months hahahaha. like 80% of the people there because the majority of people leave within a year.

eventually the level 2 people started responding in the forums. they seemed smarter but were also ruder and said yep well you gotta call the service desk and create a ticket before we can do anything.

When the Best Practice Best In Breed Center Of Excellence Service would be, I’m sorry the program has been so buggy, whens a good time to call you so you and I can talk directly and I can remote in and take a look at this? I will private message you with my direct phone number.

but no, everything is a SINGLE POINT OF CONTACT (beware that) which means theres ONE phone number, probably with a very complicated IVR (menu of items, impossible to speak to a human), the first person you speak to will be an undertrained “moron”, who will have a VERY hard time transferring you to someone who DOES know anything about anything, because there’s too few of those people.  and higher ups can HIDE behind a WALL of poorly trained idiots! and you cant return calls from higher ups! oops missed you for the day, now I can’t fix your case! I’ll try calling you again within 72 hours!

Or getting a call and realizing YOU are technically the subject matter expert on this topic because no one else is in the office at that time. well, expert is a little strong a word for what i actually know about this thing, hahahahaha.

the so called experts know nothing! it’s very difficult to speak to somebody who KNOWS anything!

but its just as much….no its even MORE frustrating for the level 1 person answering the phones, than you FOR to call them and talk to an idiot. becuase how would you like to BE that idiot, doing calls like that ALL DAY????

thats not a JOB! that’s a PUNISHMENT!!!!

they should make criminals, murderers and child molesters, do this job from PRISON!!!!!!!!!!! instead they get sweet chill jobs like making license plates hahahaha.  kinda makes you want to go to prison hahahaha. no i kid. but im not kidding when saying they should make the worst prisoners do this type of job. not decent people like you and me and even that woman.

lyin ted is gonna pick carly fiorina as his vp. this might actually gain him some votes. but prob not enough to stump the trump. i hope not!

weighed it at lowest weight yet….148.0 pounds. I suspect I just got lucky on a low water day and it will be a WHILE before it gets any lower, and will in fact bounce back up, possib back above 150. my goal right now is 140. that is how short i am, i have to be 140 pounds to not be a fat slob hahahha.

no 160 pounds is the beginning of overweight and I was like 168? at the beginning of january. 20 pounds in 4 full months? thats not TERRIBLE.

thing is, losing weight doesnt really help short guys all that much. it wouldnt make HER any more attracted to me. women who like short guys will probably settle for chubby guys too hahaha. wow that is really self deprecating hahaha. its statements like that that are the reason i have no self confidence hahaha.

really its just a way for me to exercise some actual control over my life hahahaha. that i can reach SOME kind of goal.

tarzan was not some damn brown polynesian fooking white jane, he was a WHITE man fooking white jane, fooking geico. god damn i WISH i could boycott geico hahahaha. or that feel where the supermarket you go to get EVERYTHING has horrible race mixing commercials and you CANT boycott them hahahahaha.

you cant boycott antiwhite companies because ALL companies are openly antiwhite hahahaha.

boy i hope i dont get PARANOID about this hahahah.

shit i learned from a previous post that i looked at prono on nov 9. so now its only been 170 days since i looked at porno. damn. not long enough.

i certainly have not regretted it. although sometimes even recently i get a small craving. like i FORGOT what it LOOKS LIKE. well GOOD. i SHOULD forget what it looks like!!!!!!!!!!! Its jooish degenerate mind and soul POISON!!!!! so of course women like it now and say its no big deal and like to watch porno while they dildo themselves hahahaha.

so maybe as PEOPLE become more Pornified, Porn is NO LONGER an exaggeration of the sex act!!!! and it becomes a more accurate portrayal of What Secs Really Is!!!!!! good lord thats horrifying and sad. cuz you can’t say “porn sucks because its an unrealistic portrayal of secs.” well no its not, so you’re wrong, porn is not necessarily bad unless it Performs in the Vocabulary of Internalized Systems of Kyriarchal Oppression.

really what it comes down to is a deep, almost religious respect and reverence for human life AND THE PROCESS WHICH CREATES HUMAN LIFE.

was i ridiculous and overbearing and overwhleming to her? OF COURSE I was. But I dont think thats a good REASON or justification for her to walk out on me and block me entirely. you just dont do that to people. I am angry that she would come up with a list of reasons why it was OK for her to do this. because he did this. because he was being that weird. he was weird and bad enough to justify this.

well NO I WASNT.

yes, i was bad and weird, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THAT.

it has taken me a long time to convince myself of that. just like she is convincing herself that yes, i WAS bad and weird enough to justify No Communication.

maybe if i told her i was a virgin who had never been dumped before hahahahah she would have tried to be more gentle with me.

i mean why WOULDNT you be gentle with someone you care about, who cares about you, who has opened their heart for you and made themselves vulnerable for you? because. you just dont want them to luv you. yeah well, try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS as a general RULE. a general rule of LIFE.  I know I would try to be gentle with peoples HEARTS, if anyone ever showed me their heart hahaha.

yeah well they have showed me there hearts sometimes and i HAVE been sensitive to that. like when she was telling me her worries about her boifran in like 2013. i genuinely cared and it was very uncomplicated because I didnt have feelings for her yet and we were still Just Friends and I was perfectly fine with that, and wanted her to work things our wiht her BF, and she gave it an honest effort, maybe, and he said nope I’m done. which is fine, that happens, but he also told her im done rather than just avoid the fook out of her. they had several arguments!

ok drug test for post office tomorrow. closest place is 8 miles away hahahaha. thankfully was able to sched it for morning. and in time before their deadline. so get up tomorrow, leave at least half the bladder full in the morning hahahaha. cuz i drink so much coffee and water throughout the day that theres no way I could not be diluted. i dont know how I did this when I used to do this early in the morning before Work hahahahaha. like try making a BM, but also keeping your Urine In. not easy hahahaha.

she just wasnt very PERCEPTIVE. or if she was, she just didnt SHOW it. i think she was more perceptive than she PRETENDED NOT to be hahahahaha. that dirty LIAR. was she lying or not lying?

no she was just overwhelmed and cowardly and running away like a scared animal. like the slightest move or sound makes a deer go jumping away.

yet she can handle a tough job and also fook men without emotion or feeling. hehehe well i dont know that second part. and now she is out of a job just the same as me. she has a good excuse though, and made a lot more money, and probably has good leads though her new friends there. get meeeeeee a job toooooo! ok done.

heh. without her i never would have gotten that stupid job. and now that even though she has left me, i can’t escape The Taint hahaha. now all these call center jobs want me because I have experience…..but I dont want to go back to any call center.

its like getting aids from your lover then you lover dumps you but the aids stays with you and kills you hahaha.

i wish we had just gotten together and never left our old job and lived happily ever after. instead I managed to waste the last 2 and a half years of my life hahaha. one step forward, two or three steps back.

lost a very important person in a very sad way, lost muh livelihood, and now the only jobs that want me are shitty jobs just like that one hahaha. maybe i should go back to skool hhaahahha. bbbbbut i already have 200 credits of college isnt that enough? NO.

OK. I have my txt resume, which is my master resume, which then gets copied essentially to both linkedin and indeed. and any external site that wants you to build a resume. copy and paste.  so really any change I have to make, needs to be made in 2 OTHER places: linkedin and indeed.

Or I could just update those once a month or once a week. re copy and paste everything from the Master Resume.

When I have an actual interview, I whittle the Master Resume down to a One Page Resume. but make sure they have a copy of the Master resume too.

Anyway today I went through and replaced semicolons with periods; because it looks autistic to have too many semicolons; and periods look better; dont they;

yes. of course they do. good idea there. nice value-add.

2016-04-27_16h52_24

this fookin sloth hahahahaha it took him ALL DAY to write that on their bullshit team building instant messenger chat software while his entire team was running themselves ragged trying to walk on water and design, build, market, sell a flying umbrella, on the whim of their asshole lion manager, within 20 hours. the sloth moves SO SLOW, all he can do is type that one sentence in 20 hours. This is great and I have mentioned it before but here’s the picture.

it is kinda SAD to see the majestic animals acting like Professional Humans With Careers. Animals shouldn’t be doing this. HUMANS shouldn’t be doing this. hopefully other people are disturbed by that too.

also look how the manager lion does jack shit while everyone else is running around like fookin spazzes. yepppp. read between the lines mother fooker. the writing is on the wall!!!

I want to see that companys Call Center Of Excellence. That is filled with fookin morlocks or some shit. or fookin…that ugly ass fish blob that looks like a sad piece of slime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

well, i guess a COE can be something other than a call center. but call centers can certainly use the term. it usually means they have met the ridiculous metrics by being especially clever at cutting corners but they have enough good people left to produce some raving fans who appreciate their work….but I guarantee these Great People are being Ground down and pushed out the door and are are being unappreciated by their managers and company. but they are appreciated by their callers/customers and trust me that is important. it was important to me! my callers LOVED the GREAT service I gave them, even though it wasnt FAST enough for the company, which hurt my departments METRICS and kept us from being a COE.

https://agileelements.wordpress.com/2008/10/29/what-is-a-center-of-excellence/

i still dont know what the shit means. why wouldnt EVERY place want to be a center of excellence.

its like a way of saying, we have best practices and trained people.

well why WOULDNT you have those things?

because they cost money.

its amazing how many places where its your job to be the FIRST to DEVELOP best practices because literally NO ONE knows what they are doing.

but how can you determine BEST practices when you dont know GOOD from BAD?

well I guess you can easily tell if something is good or bad. and then just keep struggling in the direction of the good right.

and a bunch of indian agile scrum lean black belt six sigma project managers in the comments say what a great bullshit article, ive been tasked with creating a center of excellence to utilize resources, but i dont know how, and your article has helped me how to create a center of bullshit.

heh i wished they taught ANY of this in school. in 200 credits of college hahaha. maybe they had a paragraph in management 101 which i took. i actually never took business 101 because i figured it would be too fluffy. i took “actual” classes like accounting and economics. marketing and management were as fluffy as I got.

explain to me in plain english what a center of excellence is, fooking phaggots.

and then when you look it up on the internet…..you just get MORE confused.

but yeah I thought business was supposed to be efficient and competent.

but they are incompetent and only give the ILLUSION of efficiency.

by training people and have actual best practices they could provide better service, have happier customers, and be proactive not reactive, and make more money in the long run.  and it shocked me how companies are very resistant to this common sense, decent, good faith, white way of doing business. real fookin dudley dooright bullshit i guess. well thats me then. dudley dooright the good natured pollyanna.

google what is a center of excellence
A center of excellence (CoE) is a team, a shared facility or an entity that provides leadership, best practices, research, support and/or training for a focus area.
Center of excellence – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Center_of_excellence

really its just mroe business bullshit. i should try not to get so MAD about BULLSHIT. but for some reason this business bullshit makes me MAD. because it results in customers getting the RUNAROUND and forcing honest people to GIVE other honest peopel the runaround. thats why i hate the bullshit.

 

I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND U CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF

apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong…..you are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings…..you can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Reply2
Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Reply5
Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:

2016-04-13_19h06_48

If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.

I NEVER SAID “IM INSANELY IN LUV WITH YOU, LETS GET MARRIED, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!”

I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.

END

yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalvarez/kk-bb#.cjZmLvbvp

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/ironic-misogyny-is-a-very-dangerous-game#.xcWJwPrPV

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

https://blogs.office.com/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-email/#8Lfd5AleLEqHDxEH.97

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.

BETRAYAL BAROMETER

0127

weird dreams r us last night. well at least they did not include That Woman.

the more interesting one featured a woman from Uni i started having random dreams about a few years ago, indicating that i should have pursued her when i had the chance, but i was too distracted on other women and other issues. and here was a cute fun woman just a little outside my immediate circle. she was very cute and didnt hate me and i was favorable to her and at that time she wasnt a huge slut yet hahahaha. she was one of those that started taking all the cox AFTER college. yes there are some women like that. survive college without getting on the cok carousel but then the postcollege world is brutal. well i can udnerstand that. at best, your dreams are shattered, you are 50k in debt, you are working all the time and lose all of your friends because you have no time, so the best you can hope for is casual sex with strangers in bars and tinder and match and random acquaintances, and hope the casual sex turns into something greater…..but it usually doesnt. then back to work for you and you are fooking some person you dont even know. this is the best case scenario: assuming you can get and keep a decent job after college. well, assuming you dont say fook this shit and go to grad skool hahahaha. which she did not do. and i kinda liked that cuz i was sick of EVERYONE but me going to grad skool. but she got a gainful job so im jelly about that. and she might go to grad school at age 30. one of THOSE.  as in, give up your decent job entirely to go to a full time, well recognized grad program and reinvent yourself kind of thing. i dunno. i quit faceberg and dont plan ot go back haha.

anyway i would still date her now even though she is 30 and has probably been with….well at LEAST 10+ guys. i liked her cuz she was super cute, and also nice and friendly and not bitchy, but also kinda shy. she stuck with her female friends and didnt have 900000000000000000000000000 guy friends.

ANYWAY in the dream i was supposed to “pick her up from school and take her home” but instead she stayed with me and was showing intense interest in me. jumping all over me and wanting to get fooked NOW. getting ecstatic over ME.

that was nice because i wasnt used to that and she was very attractive and i liked her….but it was also a red flag. it seemed way too soon and quick for her to do this. this might not be real or long lasting. if she could do that with me, she could do it with 9000000 other guys. to go from 0 to 60 like that. i dont TRUST it. its nice getting the attention in the moment, but you fear rightfully that its not gonna last. meanwhile youre getting feelings while she’s LOSING INTEREST and moving on the next guy. its bipolar. woman2004 aka woman2 was like this.

this is why i think its wrong to have secs too early: before you KNOW a person, before you LIKE a person. and that takes TIME. it takes at least 6 months. and when THE RULE is to have secs on the THIRD DATE???!?!?!?!?! what a horrible rule. assuming one date per week, you should not be having secs before the TWENTY FOURTH DATE, at LEAST!!!!!!!

and then she in the dream was like, you dont have to take me home, i wanna spend the night with you. yay that means lots of cuddles with the secs i thought, but i was supposed to take her home, where the premise was, she lived with her family hahahaha. i said wont your family care about you spending the night with some guy you and they dont really know? and she said no thats fine. not a problem. either she was gonna lie or they just didnt care their daughter was a slut. WELL THEY SHOULD! I WOULD!!!!

ANYWAY as it turned out, the whole thing was a trick to get lonely beta males desperate for female attention, then ensnare them into a weird Vampire Zombie Undead Cult Army. the cute secsy succubus pulls you in, then turns you over to the zombie hordes, where you get essentially tortured and made into a monster hahahaha.

GEE I WONDER WHAT THIS DREAM MEANS hahahaha in terms of how i feel about WOMEN.

but it was presented as kind of a Cute Edgy Funny Entertaining Teen Young Adult Movie. possibly like army of darkness mixed with zombieland mixed with i dunno, twilight or john green.

vapaudenristis 2012 demo is also very good hahaha. very heavy guitar sound but just as catchy and high energy as ever. it makes some of his other projects look a bit low energy by comparison! i like this raw in your face masculine energy and emotion. i guess that is the point of RAC and i am very happy this guy is/has been doing RAC.

anyway the dream. yeah thats about it. this particular woman didnt seem much like that, rather woman2 did.

but it is very powerful when a young cute gurl is showing intense interest in you. smiling at you, enjoying every stupid thing you say, just WANTING you. i just wish it hadnt gone from 0 to 100 so fast. just slowly ramped up and lasted a long time. start with hanging out and smiling. slowly move to cuddling and touching and making out. then slowly move to secs. is that too much to ask? yes, yes it absolutely is hahahaha.

had another dream before that. i had snuck into some luxury resort hotel, poolside, and there was some weird massage chair where robot hands gave you a massage. i started doing that and noticed there was a gurl sitting there watching me. she wasnt particularly supercute but she was young, early 20s, which at my age is really all you need. she was slightly flabby and cow looking and certainly would not look any better than she did now. but even chubby girls can be cute if they are young. she made some kinda of joke to me that was actually funny and witty and smart, but she had a voice like a deaf person that was not hot at all. she was wearing a bathing suit and began coyly showing me her genitalia.

i said something degenerate like you have a real nice pvssy, i wanna get a closer look at it, and then she started s’ing muh d, and then the dream was over 1 second later.

well better to have these degen dreams than to think about HER. or also prono. i guess i could use my image of that first mentioned woman to help me try to get over THAT woman. in that, heres another real life woman i am attracted to and who had real rel potential. who i actually sorta knew at one time 10 years ago and who was friendly to me. that is very important too hahaha.

obsessed with women hahahaha.

but i hate the thought that people have no obligations to each other, you can do whatever you want, and nothings right or wrong. plus the jury of women in my head which says, what she did wasnt that bad, and you have no right to be upset, woman hater. stop trying to control her reaction. she can do whatever she wants.

i dunno i just want some SYMPATHY. when i tell this story to a future woman i want her to side with me and say yeah that sucks, she should have been more courteous to you.

just show me some sympathy and warmth and kindness. dont tell me, yeah it sucks but life isnt fair. friends and lovers are supposed to be NICE to you. thats one of the obligations of being a friend or lover hahahaha. that you sympathize with your friend over some random stranger.

https://soundcloud.com/deathtoposersradio/2512016-dtp-radio-show-pt3?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

new vapaudenristi song on some finnish metal radio show. i assume its new, i havent heard it before. it sounds good. this guy can literally do no wrong whatsoever.

how do you know when something is betrayal? i say its not betrayal. she says it IS. only one of those answers can be correct.

well the answer is, her BETRAYAL BAROMETER was calibrated extremely LOW due to a recent betrayal. therefore she was extra sensitive to betrayal now, and somebody having a small disagreement with her would be paranoidly interpreted as ghastly BETRAYAL.

ok now my ears and brain and heart are ready for the new clandestine blaze album. i wasnt ready for it when it came out. now after listening to tonnes of vapaudenristi, the CB sounds great. sounds more high energy than all other CB. more rocking, more energy, more immediate, very hateful. as if the V is bleeding over into the CB. FINE BY ME!!!!

i dont even know how he has TIME for CB anyway. he even uses Roaring Shouty V style vokals on at least one song here.

what im saying is i wonder if his work in V is making his work in CB even BETTER.

also what im saying is if he had to focus on one project from now, i would suggest V. because what they stand for is so important. the future of EUROPE and its PEOPLE hehehehe. it is for V that people call him a racist and a nazi. because being a NATIONALIST is the WORST THING EVER. protecting your country from saracen invaders raping your women, you cant do that!

anyway he produces so much music that it is hard to keep up with it all. but when this CB album came out in first half of 2015 (pre my life falling apart) i just wasnt ready for it. now i am, and i sounds like the freshest CB material ive ever heard, possibly the best.  Peak CB. highly recommended for metal fans and nationalists.

shit i am thinking of just writing this guy a long fan email already. be like i am your biggest fan and never stop doing what you do. and if i had to buy something from your store right now it would pref be a vapaudenristi shirt so make a bunch more of those hahahaha. ideally i would meet you in person and we could have a long talk about Nationalism; and also a Long Talk about Degeneracy and how it relates to what you did in some of your more degenerate projects (Nicole 12, and back in the day he even made some “fetish videos”. but i honestly think those days are behind him now. i hope.)

“consent carnival” at USC with college money going towards educating college students on what exactly is consent, and how to get it. obviously CONSENT has been a big deal lately, with the Marxist Implication being: all men are rapists, you have to teach men not to rape, men dont know what consent is, there is an epidemic of rape on college campuses hahahaha.

with the less political suggestion that NO ONE, men or women, knows what consent really is, and that men and women dont know how to communicate with each other any more.

no means yes and yes means anal hahahahahahahahahaha

and women like when manly men push through their last minute resistance and TAKE them hahahaha.

hey i have no idea what consent is any more, having not had secs in 11+ years and reading all this stupid news and feminism stuff.

BUT its ESSENTIAL to remember, that when i DID have secs 11 years ago………….the consent was super obvious. she was practically BEGGING for my cok hahahaha. if anything the consent was coerced on MY side because i was nervous as fook and felt we were rushing into it. i wanted to take it slower, it all seemed so fast and hurried and unchill. but i went ahead and did it cuz i felt, well ive been wanting to do this forever, who knows when i’ll get another chance, its now or never. and it literally was! cuz there was a huge drought before that and a huge drought after that!

but as far as the actual CONSENT, there was NO ambiguity there. the actual consent was the least of my worries.

so i didnt have the consent problem all these college kids seem to be having as reported by the ((((((media))))). me, who just doesnt get along with women, women hate me to my very soul, every fiber of my being is repulsive to them, and i cant communicate with them and they cant communicate with me. everything is a goddamn ambiguous signal. except when it comes to actual secs. there was no doubt about it. enthusiastic consent was given at every second.

https://archive.is/hp6mY

related: this shit from attn dot com, a leftist shit site. tries to use COMICS to WIMMINSPLAIN to men the Complexities of Consent and how men think all this shit is consent but its really RAEP cuz men are such stupid evil rapey barbarians. RAPEY.

https://archive.is/Rz7DC

ok this one has the actual comic pictures i was talking about. this is how STUPID and EVIL they think MEN are.

oh secs is EASY. its maintaining an actual RELSHIP and talking about FEELINGS thats hard.

no wonder bitches are so good at having casual secs and so bad at having relships hahahaha.

went WAY over calorie budget yesterday. felt bad about that. and i didnt even REALLY gorge myself. and i still went WAY over. like 800 over. jesus christ. eating at night. and then a “dessert” of pastry on top of that!!!!!! come on!!!!

i just ate some chikun wangs! whats so bad about that? a lot actually. chikun wangs, pizza, pastries, donuts, its all bad.

anyway i say its not betrayal, she is, only one of us can be right.

well its betrayal if the person feeling betrayed says its betrayal.

i DONT GET TO SAY, yeah but youre wrong, its not a real betrayal because i didnt MEAN to betray you. or it didnt meet these official criteria of betrayal. if the betrayee FEELS betrayed, then its betrayal, and i should feel bad.

but again my response is, she was just WAY too sensitive and we could have figured this all out with a Talk.

but COULD we have? 50% NO! we could have sat down for a talk and she could have been just like a damn brick wall like she was, and STILL refused to listen or understand or try to see my point of view!

and the last thing someone who feels betrayed wants to do is talk with their would be BETRAYER about the situation!

i dunno i have never REALLY felt THAT betrayed by a person before. i have felt severely disappointed, left in the lurch, not given a change, but real stick the knife in betrayed? not really. i dont even feel betrayed by HER here! just very very disappointed.

maybe if she just said, no i dont think you BETRAYED me,  i just cant handle this, but youre not a bad guy, you didnt BETRAY me, then i would feel a lot better.

i dont LIKE when somebody forever thinks i betrayed them!!!!!!

im not the kind of guy who betrays people!!!!

but i get along SO BADLY with WOMEN, that i BETRAY them without even THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

THAT is the kind of automatic negative thoughts i need to fight off all day.

its just real shitty. she was primed and paranoid to think EVERYTHING was betrayal. nothing i can do about that.

but i really didnt want to hurt her. i luved her! and when i luv someone, i dont do things that will HURT them!

basically somebody you luv saying you did something very wrong to them, and they hate you for it, and its NOT WHAT THEY THINK!!!! but they refuse to listen to your very sensible reasonable explanation, and hate you forever for it. its hard to just sit there and accept but thats ALL you can do.

i just hate being accused of something very bad, that i didnt really do. but i sort of did! i mean shes not misinterpreting what happened, shes misinterpreting the meaning of it, if that makes any sense.

well she COULD be misinterpreting what happened, IF she thinks i had Dual Intent, and False Pretenses ALL ALONG. then she would be even MORE WRONG. which would kinda be good, as it would more convincingly convince myself that i did not do something horrible.

but yeah when you get thrown away its very dehumanizing. you feel like you dont matter as a person. your voice and opinion and perspective dont matter. you werent even good enough to be HEARD, to be LISTENED to. they just wanted to get rid of you and not hear you bitch and moan and complain. its almost like being ASSASSINATED, or K’ed by a HIT MAN. just dispose of this toxic waste. but youre not dead. youre still alive.

it is a REAL mindfook to be disposed of like this and i wish the jury of judgmental women in my head would agree with that and show me a little SYMPATHY and say ITS WRONG TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

not, WELLLLLLL, what YOU did was bad too, and nobodys entitled to anything, and she doesnt HAVE to show you courtesy, esp when YOU were no angel either.

yes i fooked up but i didnt fook up THAT bad to deserve THAT. i want people to agree with me on the difference in magnitude as well hahahahaha. realize this was a complicated situation. i was TRYING to not lie to her. i was giving her signals because i couldnt HIDE it.

well im the bad guy because i NEEDED TO SAY IT. i couldnt just realize that she was taking my hints, and giving me a solid hint of her own: i dont want this,  i dont like you. and i could have LEFT IT AT THAT. but i DIDNT. i had to SAY it. so in some? many? womens eyes that DOES make me a bad guy, doing a creepy feelings dump, saying something HORRIBLY awkward when its OBVIOUS it doesnt NEED to be said.

well i disrespectfully disagree with that opinion. some of us just need to say the words.

also in many situations like this, a man falling in luv with female friend, THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER and have a CHANCE to talk about it, or at least SIGNAL to each other with more clarity. i was going crazy that she WOULDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME ANYMORE and instead of just saying no, would give me excuse after excuse, saying well hang out later. and stupid me i beleived that, becuase i wanted it to be true!

went to Gym and burned 867 calories. angry at everything. starving but since i went SO far overboard yesterday,  i gotta budget today. well, not really. looking at other days i can see i have PROBABLY ALREADY made up for it.

BUT since i am PLANNING on eating at muh social gaym later, i gotta prepare for that. so why be mad about that? because i am very hungry now? most of the world is hungry! whenever i get hungry, i try to tell myself, thats GOOD, get USED to it, it is because i have eaten too much that i too much weight and fat on my body, so i have to be HUNGRY a little bit in order to lose that weight.

i am not autistic as i seem hahaha.

i am also more concerned about muh job situation than it seems from this writing. i just PREFER writing about the woman situation.

basically its an illustration of how bad communication can result in a TOTAL CLUSTERFOOK.

we talked about stuff. we just didnt talk about the stuff that MATTERED. because i was too SCARED, and she was too…unneccessary. pointless. nothing she could gain from it. just pure awkwardness. no REASON to talk or communicate. she had nothing to say. she didnt have feelings for me. why couldnt i see that. shes not giving me any positive signals. why couldnt i just take the hint. well because i didnt want to take the hint, i was in denial. but is that so goddamn evil and betraying? of COURSE i was in denial, i was in TRUE LUV!!! i wanted to believe there was a CHANCE! yeah its stupid and embarrassing and naive but is it treacherous, treasonous, lying, betraying? i dont think so. but again only she gets to determine when her trust is betrayed or not.

so now im a bad guy; betraying trust and hurting people without even being aware; AND being heartbroken in the worst possible way.

so yeah its another one of the blame myself days.

other days i blame her.

shift between hating self and hating her!

well if the roles were reversed….if a female friend was in one sided luv with me…i would feel BAD that i didnt return her feelings! i would say im sorry and MEAN it! not HATE them for it! i would ALREADY be hurting them enough from not liking them back!

anyway i hate being shitty to people. so it sucks to think i can hurt somebody without knowing it. i mean not many people are close enough to me to hurt them!

did i really HURT her though?!?!?!?! ill never know. maybe she doesnt even feel betrayed. she was just disgusted and annoyed. but not betrayed. or maybe she felt bad! i’ll NEVER KNOW!!!11111!!!!!!!

SELF SOOTHING hehehehe. EVERYTHING i used to do this became a bad habit: pr0nography. alcohol. MJ. FOOD. you eat FOOD to self soothe. then you gain weight and become a fatass.

what about jerking off without using pornography? to women that are not going to destroy your spirit? still a slippery slope and kinda degenerate.

better to PRAY.

and to LIFT. or exercise.

so lemme get thsi straight. if she THINKS i did something wrong…..then i did something wrong??? WELL I THINK SHE DID SOMETHING SUPER WRONG!!!!!11

maybe reddit relationships will have the answer i am looking for hahahaha. nope. nothing will have the answer im looking for. i have been thinking of just POSTING on these forums already.