july 1

shit. i hate that you just cant be an ok people person. you gotta be a MASTER people person just to get a 10 DAH job or get some fat slut. if you have the SLIGHTEST anxiety or autism or awkwardness…..1% is as bad as 100%. 2 is as bad as 10 hahaha. all or nothing. no in between.

you have to be all or nothing because the WORLD is all or nothing. jobs, women, life, hahaha.

sometimes  while browsing the indeed list you find a job thats SO GOOD you HAVE to apply for it RIGHT NAO. So go ahead and do that. thats a good thing. like i found one today: day shift, full time, mailroom clerk for large IP law firm. Dayum.

using A Spreadsheet and a Stopwatch to calculate the Exact Average of how long it takes me to do a Job Application.

with 3 down so far, the average is 15 minutes. has varied from 6 to 27 minutes.

this is actually making it slightly more interesting. maybe this is a holdover from my stupid job, where all our calls were timed and we could see a dashboard of how many calls we had each day, average time of calls, total time IN, etc.

i kinda liked improving my numbers. also it gave me some Hard Numbers. of course it also allows the company to Measure More and to crack the whip harder. 20 minutes average call time? get it down to 19 and we save 1 million dollars a year and can give execs moar bonuses and cut more people from YOUR department!

but in general i think the stopwatch is a great idea for THIS, muh job SEARCH, and getting a handle on exactly HOW long it takes to do EACH application, and what a reasonable number of apps per day is. i have been shooting for 8 but that’s cetainly low. but HOW low?

ok well my average is now at 17 minutes. thats with short ones and annoyingly long ones. only have 6 so far. i figure 100 might be a better sample size.

not that i havent already done over 210!!! 232 as a matter of fact. hehe.

today had a first, applied to USAJOBS, something for the army. FEDGOV hehehehehe.

17$ DAH job working with like army kids? child care technician? well in the FEDGOV they make 17 bucks an hour with bennies. GS 04 or some shit.

SO i figured that 5% of applications will get an interview. 1 out of 20. i mean that is ABOUT what its actually been. about 10 interviews for 200 applications.

well REALLY its 9 interviews for 230 applications hahahahahahahaha. but NO, cuz when I HAD the 9th interview last week, I had only about 200 apps in.

ok, so 9/200.

SO, assuming about 5% chance of an interview, it is THEN safe to assume that 5% of INTERVIEWS will result in a JOB. THEREFORE, you have to put in about 400 applications, therefore get 20 interviews, in order for you to get 1 job.

so shoot for 400 applications.

about ABOUT 20 minutes per application, that is 133 hours.

and that is 3.25 weeks of Full Time Work hehehehehe.

and right now I am showing 17 minutes per application, not 20.

why the hell didnt i start measuring this in a spreadsheet EARLIER?

because when you Train Yourself, it takes you MONTHS to stumble on things that a Trainer would show you right away. Best Practices. Best Practices do not always come quickly.

and this is a pretty obvious no brainer. use a spreadsheet as a tracking system to measure Metrics. its not exactly out of left field.


this guy does not seem super smart but he is a manly white man who carries a Glock hehehe and doesnt want his qt white gf associating with trash. cuz her friends are trash and her family is trash and she gets the attention of blacks hehehe but she miraculously is not a huge slut. so says the boifran hahaha.

i know that feel, that woman was CLOSE to trash but she was not herself really trashy. she didnt want to be trash so she dumped her trashy friends. i hate to think she thought of ME as TRASH.

well at least TRASH can WORK!!!!!

july 2

horry sheet, interview with the company i have submitted like 14 applications to this year and i NEVER thought they would interview me for anything more than a 9 dah pt job….has invited me to an interview for like a 32k to 46k FT job hahahaha.  so, doing that on thursday. afternoon of courshe hahahaha.

BIG reach here, but……it was kind of a reach just to get the interview!

They are interviewing at least 5 people.

I would prefer something a little less……involved, because I might be better qualified for something Lower, have a better chance of getting it.

I do know the application here had like 5 short answer questions that probably scared all the CASUALS and PUNTERS away hahahaha.

and made the Application Time like 30 minutes instead of 15 hehehe.

what was the manager doing sending emails at 10 30 pm on the friday of Fourth of July Weekend? why wasnt he out of town with his family?

this place has a Unionized Workforce and I thought they were serious about muh 40 hours and not a second more hehehehe.

well there are ways around that, you simply PUNCH OUT THEN KEEP WORKING hehehehehe.

how common is this? for people who want to make themselves look like they do more in 40 hours than they do? really for OT Exempt people its not an issue. then you just work 80 hours for the price of 40 as a general rule hahaha.

i am somewhat interested in the Goth Subculture, but its also kidna degenerate and the women are SLUTS. VERY high number. but they might be willing to help weak sissy beta guys gain experience and confidence in banging bitches, which is always good.

yes, bang those disgusting degenerate high number whores, just for EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. THEN you will have a better chance at getting the women you DO want. there’s a reason they call them PRACTICE gurls. And you can’t get a Decent Woman without PRACTICE. Like like you can’t Win the Championship Game without PRACTICE.

just Wrap It Up and try not to lie too much. like don’t tell the gurl you’re in luv with her, OR that you will marry her, OR that you want a Real Relationship with her. It’s Only About The Casual Secs baby, whatsamatter, dont you think secs is FUN, ya prude?

but yeah i dont think there are any gothic gurls under 30.

also goths like phaggots and nihilism and drugs and are not masculine and all.

i would approach Goth in a way that championed Traditional Victorian Values, and wears a lot of black, and likes melancholy shit, but thats really about all. While also still being Masculine and promoting Morality and Family and Traditional Gender Roles.

at the same time i like gurls who are not super duper girly. That Woman was feminine but she was not super duper girly. in that she was chilled out and laid back and not into Drama. But she kinda was. at the end she couldn’t get out of the drama.

i dont mind minor drama, but major drama needs to be dealt with. women are so attracted to drama that they dont even want to deal with major drama, they just run away from it if its too much. leaving people in the LURCH.

they need a MAN to pull them out of the drama. And I was not man enough. shit i was CAUSING the drama. i didnt know how to FINISH it. well, i DID know that we PROBABLY needed to confront it and talk about it, and she didnt want to do that.

all the more reason I need to MAN UP and say THIS ENDS NOW and MADE her talk to me hehehehe.

so yeah. BIG interview thursday, one of the biggest. the manager has been working there for 12 years and is a (former?) CPA but this job is more in “systems.” he does not have a masters degree but does/did have a CPA and that is about as hardcore as a masters degree hehehehe. fookin tryhard.

applied for job as AP clerk for company, took 23 minutes, brought average up to 16 minutes hahahaha.

i only have 8 jobs in that spreadsheet, i suppose if i had all 230 jobs, it would be a more valid/accurate number.

lets just say the shorter the better. i would like it to be closer to 15 than to 30.

in 1980 it didn’t take you 16 minutes to do a job application (well maybe it did.)

but for DAMN SURE in 1980 you didnt have to do 400 job applications before you found a job!

but its good i have an interview for next week, i didn’t have one this past week. want to have 1 or ideally TWO eery week.

had a dream with THAT WOMAN last night, as i recall it was pretty long but i still dont remember much other than i was spending the night with her, but she was mad at me and we were arguing and i was sleeping on the couch or something. i was scared she was gonna LEAVE ME, that she wasnt willing to work this out. , that she had just Had Enough, it wasnt worth saving to her.

and of course that was what happened! but this dream at least pretended that we were actually Going Out.

I was also starting to care about her family. Cared about her single mother who had a possibly rough life but she was at least a good mother and probably a good person. cared about her brother and sister who seemed really nice and were not promiscuous degenerate drug addicts, they did not even smoke MJ. they just lived clean decent nice lives. Cared about her extended family who she told me about.

and now all of THOSE people were ripped out of my life too, her telling me you’re not allowed to care about them any more, you’re done with ALL of us.

so that was an extra element which made things even more painful. I felt closer to her because I felt I kinda knew her family. again, not something i normally do with women.

she had an older family member who was not in good shape and that was causing her a lot of stress and worry at the same time as our thing fell apart. i felt guilty for Bothering her during such a difficult time. But I cared about the family member too! I shared her pain somewhat! and if she thinks it was all a Ploy to Get Dat Ass, she couldnt be MORE wrong!!!!!!!!

but i totally lost my frame and became weak and supplicating and BEGGING. I should have taken the FRAME of the MAN who COMMANDS respect….not a pvssy weakling who BEGS for respect! you put the foot down and say THIS IS HOW ITS GONNA BE.

hmmm this qt young gurl (7-8 years younger than me, very cute and nice, low number, she got married tho, like at age 22, well good for her hahaha.) sent ME a linkedin connect today and i accepted it. I had seen HER many times but did not ask to connect with her because she might think its creepy i was stalking her. well she is way more successful than me anyway. good career in health admin and is being promoted, moving up, didnt even get a damn masters degree, works with a bunch of other qt young women.  its hard to imagine they will become hambeasts when they are 40 like so many other women.

but they might not also become loving wives and mothers and just continue riding the coch carousel, so yeah, part of that is not becoming a hambeast. gotta look good to pull the alphamost coch. fat hambeasts can only pull thugingras hahahha. i hope SHE becomes a fat hambeast. her mother didnt unfort. her mother still looks bangable. i should bang her mother in horribly degrading ways hahahahahahahaha

heh i set up a 50 cent monthly dnation to bernard chapin. lets see if HE complains about the dnation being too small hahaha. i really dont think he will. he is not that kind of guy tho. I wish he had found a good wife and become a father though. its SAD that at 46 he has Accepted he will always be a MGTOW. he is coming out with his new book “man going his own way.” I mock MGTOW’s now, but not too long ago, I considered myself a mgtow, and uncle bern is the best example of the best of mgtow. he is a very good honorable man and THATS why he needs to stop being a mgtow and become a father! hes not race aware enough, let alone 1488. well, i will stop my dnation if he ever has a keeid with a nonwhite or advocates race mixing hahaha, which i dont think he will.




sheeeeeeeeeeeit. i just start having babies with women as soon as i turn 17 and the hormones start flooding. then when they have the babies i just say sheeeeeeeeeeeit dat aint mah keeeeeeid. and then never pay child support and never be a father and be like sheeeeit aint mah dam keeeid. then by the time i was 30 i would have 10 kids and wouldnt have to take care of them, and would have been a Winner at the Reporductive Game!

i would be so nervous at muh job that i couldnt even eat lunch. i would wait 6 hours, then try to eat lunch, then eat half of it at most. i wouldnt be able to eat until i had been at home for a few hours. and of course then its time for bed and you shouldnt eat a big meal right before bed, bceause then you wont be able to sleep.

i couldnt sleep anyway cuz i was worried about the next day of WORK. !!!!

so yeah. not being able to eat, not being able to sleep, and when i got home i would just read work shit furiously trying to study for a test i was unprepared for.

ITS LIKE THOSE DAMN DREAMS i used to have, used to be a pretty common dream for me, where i would be In College, then realize oh shit i havent gone to this class in MONTHS!!!!! then i go then there is a huge exam and i am not prepared at all.

the job was like having a huge exam every day and you not being prepared at all, but instead of workign on problems in silence, you have a caller hovering over you pressing you to fix it as fast as possible, because you’re suposed to know shit, thats your JOB.

so the only way you could try to prepare was to STUDY work shit when you got home, on a regular basis, for MONTHS, until you developed SOME confidence and SOME of the anxiety went away. but in the meantime not eating or sleeping well at all. and one of your big at work moral supports has turned against you and wont talk to you. not jsut moral support but the woman you wanted to Walk Down The Path of Life with for years to come.

is it really because All Women are Mercenaries? Not Loyal, untrustworthy, like muh Game Blogs say? that even the most pure virginal prude will give it up EASY for Alphas, yet make life a living hell for betas. so my low number low mileage perfect angel will give it up after 1 date with a charming alpha, same as any common tattooed gutter slut would.

so thats why you have several women, you cant keep them in line nearly as efficiently as they keep each other in line!

hehe. i wish you could just get women to take a POLYGRAPH. how many men have you had secs with? and how long did you know him when you first had secs? tell us about all the times you cheated, or did something that was shady and kinda like cheating. ever had secs with more than one guy in the space of a day? a week? a month? how loyal are you? are you still hung up on your first Real Boifran?

men value loyalty so much because thats how they know the baby is theirs. women could care less about loyalty because it just isnt RELEVANT to them. they can always find a new man, a better man. brachiating apes, making sure their hand is on a better branch, before letting go of the last.

but is it really true that women dont benefit from loyalty? i mean a loyal man will provide more resources right? make it easier to raise a keeid. so yeah why SHOULDNT women value loyalty?

well, they VALUE it but they dont respect it? they dont LOVE it? wtf?????

men are honest and straightforward enough to LOVE WHAT THEY VALUE. hahahaha. they dont leech off a resource like a greedy leech. or a suspender snapping oil sheikh sucking all the oil out of the well.

(i dont really think sheikhs wear suspenders)

but god damn can they buy a harem of 18 year old white qtz hahahahaha

so why dont OIL RICH islamic arab countries like saudi arabia, oman, bahrain, qatar, kuwait, and UAE take in poor syrian/iraqi migrants? saudi arabia is already pre-equipped with Temporary Tent Cities that they used to house 1 MILLION Pilgrims every year for the yearly mecca pilgrimage. not like super shitty tents either. but practically hotel rooms.

whoops getting political again, and i am not allowed to have a poltiical opinion, because i am a loser, and my hateful racist nationalist right wing political beliefs reflect/project that loserness in every way. they are not carefully considered rational political opinions. they are all based in womanly emotion about my loserness hahahahaha.

heh. joining the PEACE CORPS would have been a good career move for me, it always looks great on a resume and makes you hirable for a 15 DAH job better than serving in the military does. (which is a damn DISGRACE.)

but its not like its EASY to get into the peace corps. you have to make it your mission in life. passion. there are too many people trying to get in and very limited spots. also you cant be a hateful despairing nihilist and pass the interviews. its easier to get a damn JOB.

plus you have no control over where they send you.

oh believe me i thoguth about this at age 22, 23 as well, and i still had the same despairing nihilist mindset.

so i decided i might have a better shot with “americorps.”

i had a brief phone interview with a nonprofit director who was a total dick and he questioned my sincerity because i didnt have a big volunteering or activist background. if i really wanted to HELP people, why didnt i “just hop on a plane” and help hurricane katrina victims? because everyone who does this sort of work is usually privileged enough to just hop on a plane at every whim, otherwise they would be working a NORMAL JOB and not even looking at nonprofits.  so he was like youre basically not mature or developed enough for this americorp job hahahaha and that was humiliating. he was RIGHT but he was still a huge dick about it.

this was for a position in chicago and i picked it mainly because of that, because at that time, i thought chicago was the place to be. not sure why. its cold and full of faggot hipsters on one side and black thug gangs on the other. well because back then i was still a Leftist and i thought Saving Communities through Nonprofits was a Noble Idea.

soon after i got a ridiculous “job” with a local Nonprofit and saw how i did not fit in at all. i mean these were hardcore leftist activist marxists who work for noprofits, then spend their free time volunteering with even more marxist groups that are too political to even become a nonprofit. it was still better than my last Job but it was weird as fook.

i was still despairing and nihilistic back then, but i drank alot and i was still holding on to the last vestiges of muh leftism. but i would soon let go of that and be the better person for it hahahaha.

funny though i did essentially get approved for an americorps position…..BUT I TURNED IT DOWN!!!!! because i got nervous about moving out to Rural Oregon, funny enough, right near where that huge College Shooting happened in 2015.  so i kinda regret not doing that. because obviously nothign wrong with rural oregon, i mean come on thats SWEET. but at the time i was all about the big city. meeting young women essentially. horrible modern career women. come on. what an idiot. also, that plan didnt work out either!

well i cant say i turned down anything that was offered to me since then hahahaha. that was in late 2006. i would have been out of there long before the shooting hahaha.

continued to drink alot and think women were oppressed, thats why they were such huge disappointing sluts. they had a false consciousness and thought they were enjoying what was really oppression from the patriarchy hahahaha. i read feminist blogs and thought amanda marcotte was smart and brave hahahahaha. wow. well i THANK GOD i at least improved in one area of my life. also i stopped drinking.

so i quit leftism and quit drinking, but i was STILL filled with despair and could not get a job or a woman.

but i managed to stay away from drinking and leftism. shit it would be physically impossible for me to go back to leftism.

i began taking meds and seeing a shrink. to help directly address muh despair.

did it help? i guess a little, but certainly not a lot. i had to do that work muhself hahahaha.

i managed to get a shitty but easy fun job and took 76 credits of Moar College. i fell in luv with woman2012. i guess this might have been a relative high of muh life, around….2010, 2011.  that failed with woman 2012 in 2012. i met woman2015 almost at the exact same time as woman2012 rejected me, and we became friends quickly. i left the job to go to a horrible job in late 2013. i fell in luv with her in 2014. shit went horribly horribly wrong in 2015. and here i am now. hahahaha i wish i could have told her my life story. i mean i could but i didnt. maybe if she had known me better, she would have felt more luv and loyalty towards me.

so therefore its my fault right. because i didnt self disclose enough for her to really get to know me. therefore it was all my fault.

well i disclosed a little. she just needed me to give her moral support as she went through a tuff time wiht her bf hahahahahahahah. at that time i didnt care, i wanted her to fix shit with her bf. i think she wanted to fix shit with him. but he was just done.

remember i didnt get feelings for her until he was out of the picture. otherwise i would ahve said something way way way way before!!!!!!!!

when did i start getting weak and vulnerable? prob not till about jan or feb 2015. because bitches will leave you when they detect vulnerability from you, even though you stand by them when they are vulnerable. up to december 2014 so i was still RELATIVELy confident, so therefore should have expressed my feelings then.

and then the longer i bottled it up after that, the more vulernable and weak and pathetic i became, and the more respect she lost for me. which is not fair. she should have been like your my friend, i can see you are hurting, whats wrong, lets hang out and talk about it hahahahaha. and i woulda said okay. and then been like im in luv with u wawawawawawawawawawa

men love you in good times and bad. women might be nice to you in good times but will freeze up and abandon you during bad times. mercenaries! opportunists! fairweather! sellouts! betrayors! traitors! DAY OF THE ROPE!

i knew she was changing. she knew i was changing. i just didnt expect it to end like this, and it seemed to happen suddenly. it was that damn event.

ok so i should have gone up to her and said direclty, “do you CONSENT to me sitting with you during this event, or do you want me to go off by myself again and leave you alone?”

because thats the type of thing you ask someone youve been friends with for 2 years when you see them at an event!

well when they are giving you signs that they dont want you around, yes you do!

well i wanted to talk to her about why she was giving me those signs! rather than just say oh okay i guess ill go eat worms. fook.

see im doing it again. overanalyzing the situation to prove how i was to blame, and she was completely innocent.

because i didnt ask her consent to sit with her. come on.

also if she told me to leave i would have left. like she did when i visited her at work. i left and then apologized SORRY FOR BEING SO WEIRD god damn.

hahhaahaha i regret apologizing and groveling too much SORRY MY PRINCESS may i go prep your big black bull now. he can fook me in the ass before he fooks you in the ass.

i just assumed she fooked every guy she knew, like a slut. hahahaha. well i know she didnt. that was part of my vetting process. if she had a ton of guy friends i woulda been suspicious. but she didnt have many friends PERIOD. i thought that was kewl. she spent more time hanging out with her FAMILY than with her few friends, and when her friends became bad influences like being huge losers who did drugs or cheated or partied too much, she got away from that bad behavior. she ABANDONED them hahahahaha.

so was that a red flag for her abandoning me? because now i was a bad influence on her? even though i didnt do drugs or party or i was not nearly as dysfunctional and trashy as they were? white trash cheating on my long term partner, raging alcoholic, Pain Pill Popperz? none of that for me! my only flaws was i liked her, and i was weak and vulnerable and emo. well that was enough for her to cut me loose!

plus i am curious at how she feels about all this! i think part of her is hurt to lose someone she once thought of as a Good Friend and now that person isnt there any more. because she cut them loose. doesnt she MISS the good times and good connection? i wanted to know that. but i never will.

and i know if she feels a little guilty abotu it, she could possibly be prompted into apologizing? but she needs to be PUSHED? hehehehe i have pushed her enough havent i? yes. see you get temptations to contact them ALL THE TIME. but i know i shouldnt. because………the balls in her court. why should i beg for an apology? i begged for everything else and it didnt work. begging for an apology is even worse than when you are a kid and your family makes you apologize for something youre not really sorry for. although i would take that too hahahaha. like if her mom said, you shouldnt have done that, he was such a Good Guy, and you treated him horrible. now get in contact with him and apologize and hope he doesnt hate you too much to accept it!!!

went to the shrink. i actually like going to the shrink. when i can talk about this shit its better than writing about it. i dont even remember what the shrink says most of the time. i do 80% of the talking hahahaha.

uh am i supposed to write down the negative thoughts that come into my head. of course i mentioned dr david d burns md and his “feeling good” book as muh personal favorite. oh god bless dr david d burns md.

ok so look for Cognitive Distortions. such as All Women Are Like That hahahaha.

Distrotion: all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive.


dr david d burns favorite song is “never let go” by TOM WAITS? COME ON! would it be weird of me to have a platonic nongay marriage to this 80 year old man? hahahaha.


anyway. stuff like

all women will treat me as bad as she did!

well, really most women would treat me WORSE! she was already in the top 1% of women hahahaha.

see i answered one cognitive distortion WITH ANOTHER EVEN WORSE ONE!

so maybe shes in the top 2% and i wanna find someone in the top 1%.

if anything, that kind of behavior should DEMOTE her to the Bottom 50%!

the idea that muh life and path and journey is like a plane and now i know better about how to pilot it to avoid rough patches, like the shit i learned from this horrible experiences. namely communicate wtih the women and never hold back. if you get feelings tell them immediately before you start gettig too ATTACHED to them.

otherwise you will become Enmeshed with them Codependently.

say the words “we need to talk” and write them a letter if they refuse to hang out with you.

of course if they exhibit HUge Red Flags as you get to know them, like tattoos, kids, previous cheating, high mileage, lying, uhhh pump and dump son.

she had some red flags but i felt she overcame them. because she wasnt a huge whore. well that was good. she was a risk for being a huge whore because of “father issues.” but she was not a slut. and she was loyal to her other boifrans. was not super loyal to me though. cuz she didnt have feeligns for me. i guess i had no hint of how she would act with a Male Friend who fell in Luv with her. she didnt seem to have any male friends other than 1 gay guy so that was ok. like i say she wasnt super social extraverted like most normie sluts. and i liked that she wasnt.

there was one super dorky guy who liked her but they werent FRIENDS the way i was with her! so she just ignored him and never hung out with him hahahahaha. but i dont think she unfriended or blocked him!

she must have thought i betrayed the friendship by getting feelings for her. good thing i addressed that in an email and said nope i am not BETRAYING you, this just sorta happened and i just wanted to TALK about it rather than HIDE it, and you wont even meet me for ONE HOUR to have a private talk about it. what am i supposed to grab you on a 15 minute break from work and tell you then and hope no other people are around?

well it really doesnt take 15 minutes to say the most important stuff.

you go out with them on a 15 minute break, say hey can i talk to you in private for FIVE minutes, take them away from the group of people n break, say hey i have feelings for you, DONE. in under ONE minute. then return to the group hahahahaha.

then they can run away crying, never talk to you again, and tell everyone else what a piece of shit you are hahahaha.

i was not ABUSIVE. i was pushy, annoying, and desperate, but i was not ABUSIVE.

i have had friends annoy me but i have never had them be pushy or desperate to me.

well if i HAD, then i would see how RIGHT it was for me to Cut Them Loose without saying one god damn word to them right.

see how i keep standing up for HER, and not for myself? ashamed so much of my actions? i should be taking my own side! not being my own worst enemy. well, besides her of course hahahaha.

but yeah i think i would have wrote the person an email explaining please stay away from me, maybe you are in love with me, well im sorry but im not in love with you, lets have some time apart, youre not a bad person but please stop bothering me, im not gonna respond, im just gonna block your phone and email and facebook, i wont even see the stuff you send me, you have been notified. sorry to upset you. the end.”

and thats all folks! she could ahve done that much!



i CANT APOLOGIZE ANY MORE. i have apologized literally the max a human can apologize. i apologized literally every time i talked to her and emailed her. she’s not “waiting for an apology.” if anything IM waiting for an apology from HER! what, me apologize for apologizing too much? I think i already DID that too!

its like i’m hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff and she’s standing right there. she can easily grab my hand which is reaching out to her, please save me, but she just watches the rocks crumble away and me eventually fall to my doom.

or i am drowning and she is standing right there on the boat with tons of life preservers. i am screaming please halp meeeee and she can easily throw one out but she chooses not to , and to WATCH ME DROWN instead.

these are veyr good metaphors / images for what happened.

and I should be apologizing? i dont think so! She should be apologizing for letting me drown!

of course i was thinking, well i should contact her AGAIN, because she is just apprehensive or lazy or doesnt have the courage, and she is just waiting for me to contact her again, she’s ready now.

well if she were READY she would contact ME!!!!!!!!

also when people are in the WRONG, they very often DOUBLE DOWN and never come to their senses! and remain convinced for the rest of their lives that they were right. this is very very common. i might be doing it to convince myself that i am right and she is wrong hahahaha

also it is very very common for people to AVOID shit. thats ALL this is basically is her totally AVOIDING a situation entirely. avoid avoid avoid.

and can i make her not avoid, by popping up every so often?

she obviously doesnt want a Rel with me. she was Detaching from me for a long time. that was HER signal. she said, o god, he likes me, no thank you, i am done with this, but i am too cowardly to tell him and talk to him about it.

yeah i just didnt think she was THAT cowardly though, i thought she was strong.

and yeah it hurts to have someone care about you, then they start withdrawing that care.

at least when someone DIES, you know they cared about you to the living end!

but she gradually made herself stop caring about me ever since she Discerned that I Liked Her!

and i certainly didnt start making myself try to stop caring about her! until recently!

good good let the hate flow thru u hahahaha

fookin bitches hahahaha

never put them ON A PEDESTAL and think oh they wouldnt do that, or they’re different, not all women are like that, shes different, she has morals, she has integrity, i can trust her, she cares about doing the right thing, she treats her relationships seriously, shes emotionally mature, bla bla bla bullshit.

men like to communicate directly, with words and conversations and emails and speaking and talking and writing, to eliminate ambiguity and confusion, to get everybody on the same page, make sure everybody understands.

women like to “communicate” using bullshit ambiguous signals, so that everybody is confused, and will intensely avoid/ignore any attempts to make it less confusing or less ambiguous. they want everybody to be confused, and not be on the same page, and hate each other forever. anything that involves words or writing or talking or anything VERBAL, they will avoid like the PLAGUE.

men verbal, women nonverbal. all the damn time.

and men have to learn the nonverbal language, but women never have to learn the verbal language because…………

women are the choosers. women have a uterus. women can get pregnant. even though many of them dont realize this.

and i am technically not butthurt about them being the choosers, or that men have to do all the Heavy Lifting and jumping through hoops.

except some men dont jump through hoops at all. Alpha Men are essentially Choosers of Women!

so, women use their power as Choosers of Men, to choose tons of Casual Sex, WITHOUT respecting and understanding the Power Of Pregnancy which gives them the POWER to be Choosers!

Yep thats about the strength of it. its like a BABY with a GUN.

Great Power with great IGNORANCE of the great responsibility attached!!!!

dumb bitches hahahaha.

also i can be nonverbal enough, i have learned THEIR language well enough, and sort of accept begrudgingly that they will never learn Mine, even though any smart person would agree that Direct Verbal communication is Better for the Greater Good of Humanity!!!! but women would rather everyone hate each other forever because of confusion and miscommunication, because DRAMA IS EXCITING!!!!!! and EXCITEMENT is the greatest thing in life.


thats why men generally prefer warm, loving, loyal, true, good dogs…..

…….and women generally prefer disloyal, cold, bitchy, traitorous, unloving, untrustworthy, horrible, evil, sociopath cats.

woman hating much?

trust me when women get rejected by a MAN, they become MUCH more man hating.

but thats only because they dont get rejected by men as much!

ummmm ok.

well my womanhate is not remarkably above average for men who were dumped in godawfully harsh ways like cheating or Ghosting hahahaha.

it can ONLY benefit you to bang a woman, any woman, as soon as possible.

shit i should have tried to bang her even when she was with her old longterm boifran, back when i was not into her. should have just forced myself to be into her. hint, its not that hard to FORCE yourself when the gurl is young and not fat and has no kids. even if there are little things about her that you initially find weird. like or her face is weird and her Buttocks are weird.

when when you are Deep In It, you will no longer find her Face or Buttocks so damn weird!!!!!!!!! you will say DAAAAAAMN how could i ever find those things weird? she is HAWT as FOOK!!!!!!

a kind of pedestal i guess.

i was thinking it might ALWAYS be to your benefit that if a woman asks you about your love life, say you are “dating a few people but nothing serious” and smirk like a man who gets secs from a variety of wimmin whenever he wants, but cant find someone who meets his standards well enough to commit to monogamously.

of course it would be to your benefit!

unless you come across that one remaining traditional woman unicorn who thinks men dating several women is distasteful, just like women dating several women is distasteful!

and then shrug say oh well just having fun hey its not like Im the one who can get preggers!

and then say well if they get preggers, just get a god dam abortion bitch! hahaha its not like we live in iran! roe vs wade bitch! merika! muh rightz will not be abridged! wimminz right 2 chooze! wimmin r da choozerz!

not my problem! just a parasite that can be easily dealt with!

but maybe i should man up and contact her simply saying you are being ridiculous, stop being ridiculous and lets just hang out and make up already.

and then she will say ok i was waiting for you to MAN UP and say that and BE A MAN. that was my SHIT TEST.

also i might be “getting better” because i am not reading those fooking EMAILS every day over and over like i used to. the emails 1 thru 4 that i wrote her. i havent looked at  a one of them in weeks. so i guess that is a good sign.

i just cant believe she could do this to me.

why not. its just AVOIDANCE and avoidance is SO common because its the easy way out. I avoid and procrastinate and ignore shit ALL THE TIME. so do tons of people. and here she is avoiding me.

i mean i could send a brief thing “hi there just seein how ur doin ”

and see if that gets any response.

“wanna go to dinner get caught up”

that kind of thing.

well of COURSE i would have an ulterior motive to get her back!

i tried this in 2004/5 with woman2. (woman2004).

she kind of ignored me and i was real butthurt about that cuz we were actually fooking at the time and then she just disappeared, real sketchy. i was RIGHTFULLY angry about being ignored. i said fook her im not talking to that bitch ever again, i heard gossip she had been seen with other guys, she was the type with 900000 male friends, never trustworthy!

then 3 months later i thought i would Reach Out because it still felt like Unfinished Business, and i wanted a Fair Shake.


I did get in touch with her, we started hanging out and making out again, i certainly could have banged her but i didnt, like an idiot. i certainly should have!

but by this time she was distanced from me, liked me less than before, and had even less interest in dating me, and opened “dated” other guys during that time and showed no interest in dating me, we would just make out and cuddle and she would have let me bang her if i were masculine enough!

so yeah she basically had LESS interest and feelings for me than before.

MY feelings were rekindled, her feelings were not really anything. less than before.

so then there was NEW pain, to get my hopes up; and also see that she was less interested than before. why couldnt i make her interested again?  because i wasnt masculine enough? i was 22 years old and had no experience with women, she was it.

so i could see a similar thing happening here. me get back in contact with woman2015, “chill hanging out”, i would get my hopes up without a doubt, and she would be cool as a cucumber the whole time, saying yeah im dating a couple guys, nothing serious, just secs, i can always get an abortion if i need, but im not gonna ever want to date you, i have even less feelings for you than i do for these random guys i met a few weeks/months ago.

so yeah that would be ripping an old wound open, making it fresh again, and pouring salt on it.

when you see someone who USED to like you, and then they are just cold as shit to you. that is VERY painful. women dont understand this hahahahaha. cold evil sociopath bitches. hahahaha.

better to be ANGRY and hateful and other-loathing, rather than sad and self-loathing!

also i am generally finding it easier to get out of bed, go powerwalking, than i did near the beginning, so that must be a good sign.

i just wish i were losing more weight with all this powerwalkjogging. i am losing no weight and doing a TON of powerwalkjogging.

tons of input, no output.

it just sucks that somebody i used to be so close to, that i used to trust, that i liked, that used to at least like me on some level, can now hate me, and hurt me so much, and i didnt even DO anything horribly wrong.

welcome to the real world hahahaha.

besides she was pulling away and being cold for months. the 180 was really more just an 18 or so. i just didnt want to see it.

i mean i can understand not having FEELINGS in return for me. but she definitely used to Like Me as a Friend, and i expected that because of that, that if it needed to end, it would end a lot better.

i was TRYING to make in end better, in my typically masculine way of direct communication, lets be verbal about it so we minimize the hurt feelings.

but nooooooooo.

well i was “being masculine” in a very unmasculine way, always supplicating and apologizing. bad call.

ok placed 15th out of like 57 people in this tournament and got nothing but shitty hands, i think i won one small pot. certainly had no good chance to “double up.”

but yeah. i will be the better person because I will never hurt someone else like she has hurt me!

way to abandon me bitch!

it really hurts and is painful to be abandoned like that.

ok out of the stupid freeroll tournament, time for first 2.8 miler of the day hahaha.


apr 22

was feeling like an especially big loser last night, then i woke up to find my Good Trusted Old School friend calling me, and saying that they would be hiring people at his company, and that he Put In A Word with a SuperManager re me.

I thanked him and have been deep in thought ever since.

I have been taking a Signs From The Lord approach to life, and this is certainly one.

He has found the job stressful, but seems to be getting honestly better at it, adapting, and not hating the job as much.

so the major question is, is it better than muh current awful stressful job.

which would depend on a couple things: 1. his place does not lay you off, it is straight hourly FT with some OT  2. is the pay better?

and that’s really about it. it is a longer commute. if it is higher pay, and i think it is better bennies (at my place, no bennies until after a full year!! and rumor is it sucks anyway)

anyway at the very least I should call the manager eh?

and i was fully planning to leave my job somehow, some way, by january.

and in that case, more money would be the deciding factor.

and it’s not like it could get more stressful, hahaha!

so i should LISTEN TO THIS SIGN FROM THE LORD in other words.


I was thinking a good SuckUp thing to do, besides buying lunch and coffee and dinner for your coworkers and managers,

is to come to work with a stack of one dollar bills like you might bring to a strip club, and then every time a coworker answers a question for you or helps you in any way, “tip” them with a dollar, or two, if they really help you.

this is more meaningful than simply saying “thank you”.


come into your job at LEAST an HOUR early, so you can observe and help people and essentially work for an hour for FREE every day, so you can essentially Make Your Own Unpaid Training when you are starting out and nobody wants to train you. Training is YOUR responsibility, not the company’s.


can’t remember. but those two are great. OH YEAH.

To show your Competitive Initiative, Redefine the Notion of Wage Negotiation by saying you will go LOWER than the offered wage. that is a GREAT way to save the company money!

note: probably could only work where there is no union, no contacts, and has “at will” employment.

offer to ASK FOR A PAY CUT before even STARTING the job!

think about it. if there’s no union contract they could pay you minimum wage!

oh well, it’ll be a pain for our payroll person to make an exception for you.

but the exception will be saving them THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS over the long run. and why wouldn’t they want to do that?

apr 22 later

well, i called the company, talked to the guy i was referred to, he told me about 2 jobs, transferred me to Office Manager, who was a woman who was ridiculously nice, emailed her res, she called me back before I could even call her back, sched a interview in 2 days. hmm that was easy, almost too easy.

i am just happy i did the phone call without chickening out.

anyway, this is all a part of SIGNS.

anyway i can only go in there and try to survive the interview. if i don’t get a job then I will get called back to my other job.

the commute is at least twice as bad. the pay might be a TEENSY bit better, but just barely. almost the same actually. so better hope it will be somewhat less stressful. but I already know it is going to be stressful. however the good news is that you don’t get laid off for at least 8 weeks a year, so you end up making a few thousand dollars moar. also i think there are Random Regular Drug Tests, so you can’t Smoke Weed on the Weekends.  Well, I wasn’t Smoking Weed anyway, but I was thinking about starting hehehehe. Well, all the more reason to get Xanax for the Weekends.

and there is not PHONE CALLS like I used to get. Oh well, give it a try, it’s a SIGN.

it can’t HURT. not like it’s a resume KILLER. It’s never a resume killer unless there’s a huge gap on your res, OR you move to a job that pays LESS. even if its only 25 cents more, then that’s still progressively increasingly responsibility.

heh heh. kinda funny though. got my current job thru a friend, and if i get this new job, that would be thru another friend. but after this i will be running out of friends to get me jobz, hehehehe. at least ones that pay ok.

anyway. i guess the take home point is, ANY job is going to be UNGODLY stressful for the first THREE MONTHS. during that time it’s so stressful you feel you can’t survive, that you’re in too deep, in over your head, edge of a nervous breakdown. but then after THREE MONTHS, you get more confortable and chilll and can deal with it.

some xanax would help during those first 3 months though.

plus my friend has been there for a while and can prob answer my stupid quesitons more willingly than the other people, ie i wouldn’t have to tip him a dollar every time i asked him a question, hahaha.

plus he is a great guy and one of my classic closest friends, so that’s good.

be a good learning experience at least. probably be a little better than my current job. be a good experience in WITHSTANDING.


heh. so that’s my new yardstick. the vaunted fabled mythical “$12 an hour fulltime job.”

sat feb 15, 6.47 pm

went to church. it was kinda boring but they are good people, and the priest is good, i like our priest, and the guest priest we get sometimes is good too. not like the 80 year old priests that don’t know how to give a sermon. these guys are like 50 or 60 and know how to give a good sermon, how to talk to people. priests need to know how to do this. this week i thought about quitting muh job and becoming a priest. i’d thought about it before, and as time goes on, it gets to be better and better of an idea. become a roman catholic priest. f00k yeah.

i was thinking about treating myself to chinese dinner comfort food, then i decided i wanted WHITE CASTLE more.  cheeseburger sliders with onion chips that i actually put in the burger. dipped in a mix of open pit bbq sauce and a bit of franks red hot. good lord it was good. but they raised their prices SIGNIFICANTLY since last time I ate there. it was like 87 cents for 1 cheese slider. just a few years ago it was like 60 cents tops.  but it was real good. i got a ton of them so i can snack on them later today as I play cards and drink code red hehehe.

then went for powerwalk. nice. cold but not as cold as it has gotten. and no snow.

hmm. you could EASILY lose 10 dollars a week playing at the lowest micro stakes holdem tables like i have been. can’t even imagine moving up. when i wasn’t playing for money, I was 20 grand ahead. Now I am like 20 real dollars DOWN. either these players are better or i’m playing a lot worse or getting real unlucky. prob all. i do not play every day. course then I might lose even more!

so do i drink nyquil tonight, sat night? maybe. or i just stay up till 3 gambling again. it was the idea of gambling that got me out of bed today hehehehehehe. pretty shameful. only total losers and creeps actually get a thrill from gambling. eh well, women can’t do it for me any more. gimme benzos and gambling. note: i do not actually have a supply of benzos. i took 1 benzo like 2 months ago and have been idealizing it ever since.

i did have a dream with girl7 a few days ago, that sucks.  i suppose my punishment is that i will have dreams about her for….3 more years. great. punishment for the mistake of falling in True Luv w her and taking too long to act on it. For being a big Feminized Fedora F4gg0t Beta Wimpy Unmasculine Niceguy Beta Orbiter Supplicator., and her being a damn asexual lesbian didn’t help. well, it’s better than being a cvm chugging wh0re, it goes without saying. but now i’m too old to care that so many women are cvm chugging wh0res. let them be wh0res who chvg cvm, it don’t front me, they’re only hurting and shaming themselves, meanwhile, i’m making monay and pwning shizz. innit for the long haul, investing in things that don’t go bad in 10 years, hahahahahahaha. shqt you might as well get an IRA.

PREFLOP raises might be the way to encourage morons to bet serious money so you can win serious pots on seriously premium hands. (top 3: AA, KK, QQ.)

the best is when your computer craps out on you when you finally get a sweet hand like KK and freezes for 15 seconds forcing your to fold your hand. hehehe first world problems.

well if GOD is not going to make me get laid off at work, maybe he can see it fit that I can bang the cute girl there 20 or more times.  heh. because GOD is gonna actively promote Sin, hehehehe.  No, sin is my own free choice. however I would in that case freely choose to sin, for the tradeoff of more Punishment by Being At Muh Job. But the Job itself shouldn’t need any balancing out, because it is Just Punishment for my sin of Wasting My Youth and Being Stupid. so I don’t deserve any leniency from this punsihment, because i’m doing this sentence for a damn good reason. a damn valid penance. hehehe don’t you love the christian pessimistic godawful worldview where everything is a sin and a punishment and you’re always guilty and suffering and paying the price.

YES. FINALLY GOT MY BIG WIN. got QQ, raised preflop, some idiot went all in with 4.44 or so, I called it, he had AQ unsuited, there was a Q somewhere in the flop or turn, beat his 455 with Tripz, came out with 12 something, had bought in with 10. finally got ahead of muh buy in. HOWEVER I am still behind overall, well behind overall. would have to get to like 30 now to Break Even LIfetime Career here. The Dangers Of Gambling. Sh1t, I made more money at my old job than I do GAMBLING. I LOSE money gambling. I should start keeping records. as of 2/25, I have put in $28 lifetime into this.  about $7.75 left.  I am about $21 down lifetime. as of today. not to mention bitcoin has lost a decent amount of value since i started gambling hehehehe.

but now that i won a big pot finally, i should walk away and watch a movie for the first time in 2 weeks.

aaaannnnd i bought 1 silver round off of ebay. can find ok prices there if you are not too picky on styles. i figured if i get laid off then the bad thing about that is, no income, and cannot buy these sweet luxuries like silver and bitcoins that i am only buying now because i have some serious income.

it is kinda serious income by Today’s Standards, where it’s impossible to find a 12$ an hour Fulltime Job, but NOT serious money by our Parents and Grandparents Generation, when 18 year old kids or high school dropouts could make better money in 1960 dollars or 1990 dollars.

well, it’s not good to compare yourself to previous generations, and they can s your d anyway.










may 18 2013

heh gonna do one more today. Intro Series.

I will also talk about Luv, Infatuation, whatever you want to call it. I think they’re basically the same thing, and when people say “It’s just infatuation, it’s not true love.” then why does it crush your soul for like two years at least per person?

And I will be talking alot about Careeeeeeeers and Money and How To Make A Living.

So that’s about it. Let the repetition on these themes outlined in the past 5 posts commence.

Luv is when you want to monogamously be with a Special Someone, you put them on a pedestal, you want to marry them, you want to have babies with them, you don’t just want to have S with them, you want to have loving, tender, stare em in the eyes Bond Forging S with them and only them for the rest of your life, you want to Cuddle with them always, they are your Waifu, you are obsessed thinking about them every minute of the day, for years and years.

And you probably have very little experience of these things working out. at best you might “date” the girl for a few months and then she Dumps you, which you take VERY badly and take years and years to get over. At BEST.

More typical I think would be Friendzoning. I guess that would be the worst. I would MUCH prefer just to be rejected outright. Because friendzone is gay as f00k on both sides. The woman should know better, and the guy should know better.

I have been in Luv with 7, possibly 8 women in my life. The last one I was rejected outright and that was way better than Friendzone. I wasn’t gonna TAKE friendzone. I would have said, TAKE your friendzone and shove it up your 4ss. which is the proper response! I honestly don’t understand all this fuss about the Friendzone, when All Guys have the Power (even huge omegas!) to END the Friendzone with that one simple sentence! That does not take 200 credits of Hard Maths and 100000 hours of Unpaid Internship and Years of Grinding. That just takes one simple sentence anyone, even the world’s hugest omega virgin, can say. Never forget that.


Heh. I will talk about The Friendzone more, because it gets talked about a lot, but it’s SO EASY to fix.

It indicates that Many Wimmin are Too Rude, Narcissistic, and Horrible to realize how Bad it is; AND it indicates how faggy, omega, unmasculine, and Sissfied these “niceguys” are.

Women aren’t attracted to Douchebags BECAUSE they’re Douchebags; they’re attracted to Douchebags because they’re MASCULINE. You can be Masculine without being a Douchebag. I don’t see why anyone would WANT to be an annoying douchebag. But I can TOTES see why every man should want to be MASCULINE!

Just Being Masculine will fix a lot of your problems with Women.

I call annoying or awful women “Wimmin”. These are the kinds of women you should STAY AWAY FROM because they Poison Your Soul with their own Poisoned Soul. If you can Use them as “On-Demand Booty Call,” I guess go ahead, but even that has its risks, plus it’s not upholding a good World Morality. In your Ideal World women wouldn’t do that, would they.

I also prescribe NO CONTACT when you get rejected or dumped or Friendzoned (if you weren’t smart enough to use the Immediate One Sentence Fix It, if you got Friendzoned!). NO CONTACT. It’s the best and only way. DELETE EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, and have NO CONTACT, and maybe in about 9 months you can move on. Assuming you didn’t actually Date or God Forbid have Intimate Tender Moments with the girl. Then it would prob take longer!

But you do have time. Unless you’re dying of Cancer. Time that you can use to write a Blog or Book like This and Help Other Men who are having similar problems.

Heh. Time to work on your careeeeer. Sort of joking. Because skool is so horrible and evil that MAYBE you can finally graduate with an Electrical Engin degree at age 80 and then maybe hope for a minimum wage part time dishwashing job.

Some might say, time to work on your Game and Bang B1tches. See I am very concerned with DECADENCE, and that might give away my other blog, hahaha. It’s DECADENT and UNBECOMING of a man to go around Banging B1tches left and right like a PERVERTED SEX ADDICT. There are MORE IMPORTANT things in life. Plus just because Wimmin Like Being Treated As Meat, doesn’t mean YOU should like treating them as meat. Better to SHUN them at this point. But I will let you be Decadent Once A Month. And I’m sure many of you Kissless Virgins would be JUST FINE with that. I know I would!

I’m also generally against Pornography as a kind of Poison. Poisons the women in it, poisons the men who watch it, the more regularly they watch it. How often is too often? Once a day is DEF too often. Once a WEEK might be too often. Once a month is prob ok. But that sh1t is still HORRIBLE, that is NOT what Women Really Are. That Is The Worst Women Can Become….and you’re JERKING OFF to THAT??? Rots the soul. You can only help yourself by cutting back on the Porn.

I don’t care if the gurl you were in luv with sexts noods of herself taking it the 4ss from the whole lacrosse team. Then she’s a filthy f00king WHORE and you should have nothing to do with that kind of Human Garbage. RISE ABOVE.

Heh. As for me, I got better and better at picking women who were Not Whores to fall in luv with. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the luv any more successful. But I do think by Number 9, I will have learned my lesson. But for the first time in many, many, many years, I don’t have ANYBODY I’m Currently In Luv with. A Fresh and probably Positive Feeeeeeling, compared to being In Luv with somebody, and that SUCKING for whatever reason. Better to have NO ONE in that position. So I’m thankful for that.

So yeah. Just invite the girl to dinner at a halfway decent place, look her in the eye, BE MASCULINE, pay for her meal, make charming jokes, look her in the eye, BE MASCULINE, touch her arm a few times, and even if she’s st00pid as f00k she’ll get the hint that you like her.

But even with niceguy faggots who can’t even do Babby’s First Game like above, it’s AMAZING these gurls are so stupid they can’t understand that this Beta Orbiter who’s always around them doesn’t LIKE them, but is too omega to know how to show it, too feminized by the stupid culture and his broken family. “HUUURRRRR DURRRRRR Of course I friendzoned him, I didn’t KNOW that he LIKED me, he never SHOWED that he liked me, he just orbited around me for 900000 hours a day and was My Crying Shoulder.”

THEY KNOW. They HAVE to know. They just have THAT much of a knee-jerk reaction against beta, feminised, niceguy, UNMASCULINE men, that they will never be honest and say “Yeah, I KNOW you Liked me, even though you were too unmasculine to know how to show it.”

So it would be Great if they were more honest, but it’d also be great if You, and me, hahahahaha, were more MASCULINE.