HIDE THE STENCH

nov 13

good times hahahaha. not really. but they could be worse. when the going gets tuff. if you cant get a job with 510 applications and 28 interviews and 180 hours, then keep fighting until you have 1000 applications and 60 interviews and 360 hours. lower your standards from 12 an hour to 10 an hour, and be brave enough to take valium on the job to deal with angry customers when your company screws them and you have to uphold the screwing hahahahaha. it is what it is sir. we have no record of that. an explanation isnt gonna make this any better. there is no explanation. it is what it is. deal with it. goodbye.

ok. beautiful sunday. want to get in 45 minute walk NAO.

applied for job. data entry at hospital. diff one, little further away. long drive but oh well.

i gotta get better at my STORIES. have better WORK STORIES, with better examples, details, drama.

but i mean they are pretty good already. i guess they are just not good enough to get a 12 dollar an hour job. maybe i am aiming too high heheheh.

i just hate thinking of That Woman becoming so much more successful than me. she moves up, i move down. and once we were about equal. but she’s been winning at life while ive been losing. bigly. this feels like insult to injury but tech its not. however she did do insult to injury in other ways.

i mean its a big deal to me because i hate being a loser at life, and i hate it when people i luv throw me out of their life AND go on to become a big winner in life in ways that i have struggled and suffered and tried and failed and failed and failed for years. and they are 8, 10, 12 years younger than me, and have had more success, and less failure. they havent failed enough! they havent paid their dues! when do i stop suffering, failing, and paying my dues? how come i have to do that for 11, 12 years, while they only have to do it for 1, 2 years. plus shes an immature idiot! like a 50 foot baby with a machine gun! i do better work than her! smart, better, more VALUE!!!!!!! how come SHE can make 32k a year, but I cant even make 24k a year?

how am I ever supposed to PULL a woman who makes 32k a year when i cant even make 24k a year?

how am I ever supposed to reach my goal of a nice white wife and white children? becoming a total normie FAMILY MAN?????? thats not too much to ask, is it?!?!?!?!!

For me, it is!

ok ok ok that is a Negative Spiral of Negative Thoughts and I really need to avoid/stop those Spirals!

ok took 45 minute powerwalk, 170 calories, 2.4 miles hehe. listened to some good morning white america and daily shoah hehe.

36 minutes to apply for this 13 dollar job. ft days and bennies tho hahaha. kinda far tho. oh well. wont get an interview anyway. and if i do, it wont lead to an offer hahahaha.  super pessimistic. but i try not to SHOW pessimism OR desperation, because I know these things have a STENCH that employers (and women) can SMELL. so you HAVE to hide that stench. and I DO!!!!!!!

How do i Hide The Stench Better?

see the only way you can get RID of the stench at its ROOT is to get a job, or get a woman.

classic catch 22 of, the cure for the stench, is exactly what is driven away by the stench hahaha.

wewlad, ok applied for 3 jobs on a sunday, today they averaged 23 minutes each. bigly. big load.

it just sucks. you treat somebody with such value, and they treat you with no value, and they treat themselves with no value too. you would spend your life with them, sacrifice for them, have children with them, they would throw you away without a word and fook negros they just met like a jooish porno slut. taking loads all over face, making sex videos and noods with secsy guys they dont even know. make a baby, get an abortion, repeat prcess with other guys, just because they have the cocky confidence of negros.

NOT EVEN MOST white women prefer negros hahahahaha. i gotta stop thinking like that. it is bad.

well what does it matter if they do?

well it matters to ME and to other white working class cis christian male trump voters whose VOICE WAS HEARD during this election. WE EXIST and youre not gonna take our power without a fight hahaha.

it wasnt just white women who won this for trump, it was WHITES in general. a voting block. an interest group. of whites. all classes of whites. whites voting as a race hahaha.

so i shouldnt have held her in such high value. i was premature.

but i WASNT. yeah i was premature in falling in luv with her, because you should never do that until youre sure theyre in luv with YOU, but as far as valuing her as a person? not premature at all! we knew each other for years, had a good rel, she valued me, i valued her!

it wasnt like the women i “Casually Dated” earlier in life, 11 years ago, where it was beginnign middle and end all in just a few months.

thats muh point hahaha.

27 fookin interviews, now a 28th. come on. what the fook do these people want. how come SHE can handle this and i cant. how come SHE can make money and i cant. how come SHE can make a LOT MORE money and i cant. she can easily make 16 dollars an hour, i have to do 28 interviews just to make 11 dollars an hour.

so yeah in the end, thats the shit i hate. this isnt her FAULT, its just my Negative Thinking Spirals haha.

so yeah that shit isnt valid. im not allowed to be mad about that. but i AM allowed to be mad about How She Dumped me hahaha. that will never not be valid anger hehehehehe. but just stop all this shit about her making more money than me and being more successful than me. even if it is true hahahahaha.

hehehehehehehehe

but hes not a neet, has a good job, and works out, is not fat. also he is social and can talk to people. i BET he is SHORT AF. AND  asian or indian hahahahahaha.

i dunno. its just like jobs. you need to get USED to rejection. i mean i guess im USED to it, but i am also SLOWING DOWN. I’m TIRED of the rejection. its not the end of the world to get rejected, but ive def slowed down and become less passionate hehehehe. well i was never PASSIONATE. ok, how about lowER energy hahahaha.

i mean come on. i am TRYING to treat muh despair and muh anxiety by going to a shrink, taking meds, eating healthy, exercising, and trying to reach muh goals of getting a job.

so maybe i need to get a NEW shrink and go to them moar than once every 4 weeks. find a more hardcore shrink and go every 2 weeks.

yeah but i cant really afford that. i DEFINITELY dont WANT to spend the money. but maybe its a need i have convinced myself is a want hahahahaha.

needs you confuse as wants, wants you confuse as needs hahahahaha.

shitty feminist advice a few responses down, hope it gets downvoted

4th job on a sunday. air force. gs05 engineering job, 28k. probably get rej as not qualified, has happened before with simlar air force or army jobs. yet RECENT GRADS can get a PATHWAYS job at like 40k, gs07, yet i cant get an interview for a gs05, 28k job.

REAP WHAT YOU SOW. THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN, by making bad choices when i was young, mainly ommission type things, like not applying for a pathways job when i was a recent grad. it jsut seems out of proportion that because i missed that train, i dont even have a shot at a LESSER job later.

major edit on muh Document – edited unofficial college transcript down from 2 pages to 1 page. bringing document from 10 pages to 9 pages hahahahahah. i figure this will make me look less entitled and arrogant hahahaha.

206 credit hours of college i have. if we assume 30 credits per year, that is 6.87 full years of full time college hahahahaha. and still cant make 24k a year hahaha. at age 31. hahaha.

i mean i have to look a LITTLE arrogant to help HIDE THE STENCH.

ITS NOT OVERCOMPENSATION, ITS JUST COMPENSATION

hehehe its not a napoleon complex, its just a manlet who wants to have a normie power level. not a napoleon power level.

i have a LOT to make up for. so dont say im OVERcorrecting.

well feel a little better, saw a review on indeed for the bank that i wanted to get the IT job, and they said, well the benefits are good, but this IT dept expects WAY too much out of you and does not give you the support you need, expecting you to work miracles.

WELCOME TO I.T. hahahahahaha

and thats why i dont want to BE in IT, because i dont want to have to work miracles all day. its too thankless. PLUS i just dont give a shit about computers. they break and dont make any sense. just reinstall. rip it out and reinstall. take the hard drive out, blow on the connectors like an nes cartridge. if it still doesnt work, buy a new one. buy more ram, dont fix the memory leak in the program. hire another indian for dev. get an indian intern for free hahahaha.

HIDE THE STENCH.

kinda hard to do with the indian interns stinking up the IT office with their curry BO hahahahaha.

this is what multitasking has wrought. i always have at least two strands of thought running around like a demolition derby, often crashing into each other and increasing Net Confusion.

cant get a job, cant get a good woman, cant get a slutty woman, yet the woman i thought was a good woman now VASTLY outperforms me in the Work World, AND gives herself away at the lowest price, to TAKE ALL COMERS.

now there is a QUADRUPLE WHAMMY of insult upon insult upon insult upon injury!!!!!

ok ok ok STAHP JUST STAHP

why cant she just make less money tho. she doesnt even know shit about computers. she never took 1 computers class. she doesnt know any GIRLCODING! I took 4-6 coding courses!!! i have 35 credits in IT and Computer Science hahahaha. all she knows is reboot the computer and call us again when the error is on the screen. we have no record of that. it is what it is. theres nothing more we can do. it will be fixed in a future update, its a known issue. no eta on fix. is there anything else i can help you with? goodbye.

and she was never super duper career oriented either, thats something i liked about her. other women Forgo Serious Rels so they can go to College, Work on Careers, and Ride C0k carousel. She was just like a job is a job, better find a damn job, better not take out too many college loans. i dont want a masters degree, im just an average gurl, im not some kind of bossy ladyboss, i just want a regular job, i’m not a LEADER.

im kinda the same way.

welp ok so maybe its good i didnt get that IT job at the bank, but i would have liked the Records Back Office job at the same bank. i would still totally luv a call back you guys. and i can’t do anything more. i already sent muh thank you note, i always do that right after the interview. maybe I should wait until the end of the week of the interview hahahaha. so they can forget about me, THEN remember me.

so maybe i should go to VEGAS and smoke legal MJ in 2017 and gamble.

i went to vegas once when i was 29 and i had just met That Woman hahaha. vegas was ok. i mean it was exciting and warm. it would have been a lot better if i were a drinker……or they had legal MJ at that time. it was full of fooking southeast asians, mestizos, and degenerates. i didnt even really GAMBLE. I can technically play holdem but i was too cowardly to play a live table.

i would just as rather go to colorado or wash and do legal MJ because its more beautiful nature there. and that is a much bigger value add for me than gambling or asians. i mean sheeeeeit you can GAMBLE anywhere, uhhh i mean many states have legal casinos. thats nothing special.

nov 14

not a good match for FILE CLERK. obviously i didnt spend an hour tailoring my cover letter to show why i was THE BEST file clerk. simply stating the companies mission and saying i was all about efficiency and detail oriented isnt gonna cut it in current year.

been rejected without interview for FOUR File Clerk jobs with this stupid hospital. i only apply to them because they are one of the few companies that has actual File Clerk positions.  entry level jobs rather than supervisor/manager level jobs.

steve bannon. was associated with breitbart. tv news refers to him as “alt right.” prob not accurate. breitbart is more alt lite hahahaha. but its good to have an alt lite guy that high up eh?

and cnn says he made anti semitic remarks 10 years ago? EVEN BETTER!!!!!! PURGE THE BERGS AND STEINS!!!!!!!

i dont even hate individual joos if i know them and they are decent people. ive known a couple, one or two hahahaha. but as a whole, the top joos have done too much damage and have to go back.

heres the thing, you got your money joos and then you got your culture joos. you got your zionists and then you got your marxists. i dont care for either of them.

monday morning. checked the school jobs site on monday because they dont get to indeed ever, so i gotta make a note to check once a week. nothing new there unfort.

see shrink today, got to try to get something useful there.

how to stay motivated and productive with job search, how to not hate women, how to stop comparing myself to HER, ie she dumped me AND she is more successful/bigger winner than me. desire to do MJ all the time. being MORE productive, stepping game UP from just baby steps.

ok did muh pushups. ideally would like to get 1 job app done before 12, then do 45 min powerwalk, then shower, then shrink, and 2 or 3 more job apps after, and a 30-45 min powerwalk before Early Nightfall hehehe.

got a new pair of Athletic Shorts because the ones i have now have gotten so big that I worry about them falling down when I Brisk Jog hahahaha.  less than 10 dollars from amazon. had huge amazon gift card from market research study.

ok right on schedule here to get 1 app done by 12 hahahaha. but should i really waste my time applying to a 36k state job? i mean come on.

well because I cant FIND any 26k jobs hahaha. its easier to find a 36k job than a 26k job. there are more 36k job (openings?) than 26k file clerk jobs hahahaha.

i want to bang this successful career woman who Has It All in the Peloton commerical, she is like 32 years old, in very good shape, loves to bikeride 1488 miles a day, has a 3 year old child, and has a 5 million dollar house like a CEO. that HOUSE. are you KIDDING me.

interpreting the supervisors point of view. hahahahaha. how is this even a job requirement hahaha.

how about you just ask the supervisor what they mean. because that would waste TIME IS MONEY, TIMEMONEY, and the manager is known incompetent who doesnt know what he’s talking about, also he’s an abusive bullying asshole hahahaha.  he or she. so were hiring you to do the managers job and to read their damn mind.

ok took 2 mile powerwalk, shower.

how to take shit from people.

just keep apologizing. im sorry. im sorry. im really sorry. i wish there was something i could do. but theres nothing i can do. im sorry.

STOP SAYING IM SORRY! AND I CANT BELIEVE THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER THEN!

I cant do that. theres nothing i can do. im sorry. im sorry.

repeat for 50 hours a day till you die hahaha.

have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were desperately saying IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY? it is pretty humiliating. I was in that situation with That Woman. I can assure you it was not good at all. i shouldnt have said im sorry so much, but thats how desperate and out of control i was. it sucked. she didnt like it either. she clearly saw me as weak and annoying. disgusting vermin. gregor samsa the jooish vermin bug hahahaha.

grindr gregor is not a goyim hahahahahahahahahahaha

sheeeeeeeeit. i mean i do FEEL more productive when i get 4 apps done in a day. other big achievements are doing 4 or 5 miles of walking and def getting under 1200 calories. is deffo another biggun. so yeah. if i can do 4 apps AND get under 1200, thats a good day. the 4 miles at that point is negligible.

heh. when a city job makes you fill out their pdf app……….and then makes it an uneditable pdf. and wants you to drop it off at city hall. they literally want you to print it out and handwrite it and they have no computer version of it. seems so……inefficient hahahaha.

well acrobat reader lets you add your own text thank God hahaha. GRAMMAR SCHOOL? REALLY? this is a hoity toity city and they want “grammar school” aka grade school. OK well i will jump thru a lot of hoops for a 32k job!

and then mail in the 13 pages with like 4 stamps hahahaha.

ok i completed the pdf, compressed it to a reasonable size, sent it to city email address, requesting confirmation, asked if i should also drop off a hard copy (OF COURSHE YOU SHOULD!!!!!!) because why should these well paid city lackeys of a richer city pay for printing when the working class slob applicant can hahahaha.

gonna have to go back to the well here and find some more jobs. the swamp. WE ARE GOING TO DRAIN. THE. SWAMP. hahahahaha.

went to shrink, didnt talk about much useful, just muh 4 interviews and the election haha.

welp, got below 1200 calories today, and 3 applications done, and 4.4 miles walking. did not get 4 done but i had to go to shrink hehe.

took 1 benadryl pill. it was tiny and it doesnt seem to be as strong as nyquil. which i guess is what i was going for. still feel a little sleepy tho.

yeah what bothers me about all this is, i just want to know am I a shitty person or not? did i do something horrible or not? was i a horrible niceguy or not? I have essentially been charged with a crime and i dont know if im guilty or not. i dont like that ambiguity. lack of closure. i want to know if i did something bad, or she just overreacted……..because i dont want to be a bad person or do bad things. period.

i mean yeah my gut tells me, i didnt do anything HORRIBLE per se, i wasnt a nice guy per se, and yes she DID overreact a LOT. however i was cowardly and i know how to act better in the future. but no im not a horrible person, i didnt do a horrible thing, im not xkcd friends comic niceguy.

i just reallllllllly dont want to be a niceguy either.

i dont think i was. per se. i had some niceguy tendencies but at the end of the day i said fook this shit, tore the bandaid off, took a final stand and died on that mountain, which a nice guy would totally not do.

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser

KEEP ON STRUGGULIN / SMART PEOPLE RUMINATE

mar 22

went to the shrink, better do post shrink analysis here.

i said i was concerned with muh woman hating, vs not all women are like that, and we talked about my Picker, some people pick crazy shitty people and say why are all women like that, when really its just them picking the worst women ever. fact is my PICKER isnt THAT fooked up. I picked a couple of actually decent women. at least half were good, defensible choices. they weren’t all crazy pieces of shit. even the ones that were bad or crazy, I can see how or why they were crazy, and I don’t hate them like I used to. even THAT WOMAN she’s not literally crazy or shitty or horrible….she just did a cowardly thing that happened to hurt me a lot. she didnt even want to hurt me a lot. if she did this to anyone else, they would not hurt as much. it’s not first degree evil, its more like manslaughter or accidental death. well….it wasn’t quite ACCIDENTAL.

anyway i can still read warning signs. I read the warning signs that said our rel was In Trouble, I just didn’t see anything that said it was gonna BLOW UP like it did. it didn’t think it was gonna be THIS bad. but it was CLEAR that things were not going well, and that she prob didnt want to Date me, but would rather get fooked by random Tyrones than be with a man who was truly committed to her hahahaha.

basically when i am sitting there talking to people I am not as weird or as fooked up as I think I am. is that just me wearing the mask? or is that my real self? i dunno I really dont think its a mask per se. i really dont. if anything i dont have any mask with the shrink and i am pretty comfortable talking to them!

i mean im not lying! i dont WANT to hate women!!!! i really hope not all women are like that!

i dont like being confused and overwhelmed all day where I dont know what to do….but i gotta do SOMETHING to solve the weirdass problems. think outside of the box ALL the time with lots of pressure. I can think outside of the box 50% of the time, but 100% of the time?

http://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?49040-Would-you-date-a-partner-which-had-relations-with-another-race-Or-damaged-Goods

i forgot about the apricity, a european cultural forum. they get really autistic about dna and mdna and ydna and clades and subraces and shit and allow nonwhites and jews and albanians hahah.

mar 23

AYO HOL UP HOL UP. AYO. HOL UP.

YOU TELLIN ME DAT PAUL NEWMAN was a JOO?????????

his FATHER was a 100% joo and his mother was slovak shiksa. so paul was 50% J. still not good. most 50% J’s identify as J’s. but i thought this masculine handsome man was 100% goy!!!! damn!!!!!

anyway just wanted to add that i have tons of unanswered questions, that will NEVER be answered. like what did she really think, what did she really feel. yes it matters to me. because i cared what she thought, and also it affects me directly.

i realized that another big thing i liked about her was that she was HONEST. I never got the impression that she was hiding anythign from me, that she had a double life. she was HONEST. that is HUGE. i TRUSTED her. so YUGE. many women, I get the feeling pretty quick they are not telling me the full story. like of all their guy friends they are banging hahaha. or that they are losing interest in me and dont really enjoy spending time with boring lame weak nice old me hahaha. they meet exciting secsy new guys all the time. ms popular.

she wasnt like that AT ALL. she had barely any friends, she would drop her friends when they turned out to be bad influence losers, and just hang out with her family instead. i liked this. these are all good signals.

an when she was avoiding me, she had excuses, but they weren’t really LIES. and I really dont think she was LYING when she said she wanted to hang out at some point.

what she didnt say though, was that she wanted me to lose my feelings for her before we could hang out again.

i think she was honestly interested in staying friends for the long term…..IF I didnt get special feelings for her. she couldn’t handle that AT ALL.

and at that point she didn’t LIE, she just stuck her head in the sand like an ostrich.

but yeah i just wanted to note that it was very important to me that she was so honest. that is a very important quality for me. very very very. not that i’ve had women BLATANTLY lie to me….but they had a very sneaky, covert, duplicitous, two faced way of hiding things and almost being two people. I HATE that sneaky shit. HATE it.  It’s The Woman’s preferred way of lying. I would PREFER BLATANT lies. boldface lies. not these sneaky jooish lies. and i dont mean to imply they are “little white lies.” little white lies are harmless. these sneaky lies are harmful. like yeah im gonna dump you because id rather fook more interesting guys. bet ya didnt see that coming! well….i kinda did, cuz its not like i really TRUSTED them. I WISHED I could trust them, but i clearly couldnt.

with her, I really TRUSTED her, and she did seem really honest and trustworthy. And technically she never lied to me! she was honest but was a big time AVOIDER. avoiding sucks but it isnt really lying.

and yeah we got along GREAT. it was a very special good friendship where we got along so well. I appreciated that. it was no surprise that it finally “CLICKED” for me. That I wanted this great special friendship to go to the next level. it’s not every day you meet someone you get along with THIS well. only happens a couple of times in your life.

i dont like Online Dating because you just meet too many people short term and it seems like a job interview except with fooking. i am sure it leads to promiscuity. i mean if you go out with a guy for 3 dates, you HAVE to fook him right? then immediately lose interest in him and Ghost him hahahaha. repeat the process with another online guy. check the check boxes. well this guy is OK but not great. and there are 60000000000000 other guys out there willing to Date me. one of thems gotta be better.

this is the total opposite of how we became friends. i first met her at a job, we got along immediately but i didn’t trust her right away becuase im not an idiot. but after months and months of getting along well, i began to trust her and know her better.

with online dating, youre not going to get months and months to get to know someone better. you have a good impression on the first date, good impression on the second date, then fook, then continue making good impressions or you’re gone and IMMEDIATELY replaced with a new candidate. or you already know the woman is having several first dates with new men every week, because that’s normal and not frowned upon like it should be.

and thats the world shes getting into. its horrible for women and its not great for me either.

why couldnt she appreciate how WELL we got along?  that doesnt come along very often in life!!!!!!!! it was a special thing!!!!! treat it like its special!

but I can forgive her because i know this was just cowardice and immaturity and stupidity. there was no malice or deception intended. it was just a big baby acting like a big baby.

i think ideally she WANTED to continue being friends. but she also wanted me to stop these feelings. and i just couldnt do that. if i could i would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was bad about communicating and she was 600000000 times WORSE.

so i have good reason to believe that she WAS hurt by losing our rel, as I would hope that she would be, that she DID find our rel important to her, she wasn’t LYING about that……i just wish she had the BACKBONE to be able to TELL me that, so that it was NEVER in doubt.

so many unanswered questions. so many questions i have to ask her, like what were you honestly thinking and feeling? For you theres not so many unanswered questions becuase I wrote you long emails and tried to answer any question you might have had about my feelings and how things developed. I just wanted you to similarly answer some questions for me. just share your feelings honestly with me. I know you can be honest. I luved your honesty.

so yeah it was very important for me just to get along so well with a female human being. that hadn’t happened since like 2005. took 7 years for me to meet her and have it happen again. also i didnt fall in luv with the woman from 2005!!!!! she was literally just a friend and I was fine with that.

heh. i don’t mind being friends with women. i LIKE it because it proves i dont hate women, and that i can get along with women. and unlike Dating, everything isnt stupid and rushed. I dont have to wear a mask and pretend to be more macho, or feel pressured to have secs too soon, like all women want to cuz theyre sluts. dating sucks, being friends is fun and positive. i like getting along with women. and at this point, my ideal is friends first, then develop into moar. because you actually have something there that’s real, long term, sustainable, sustaining. my friendships with women have always seemed a lot more REAL than when i dated women, which was like a rushed production. it was real fun in parts, but overall, it was a rushed production. not so with my women friends. there everything was completely natural and good. until i got feeligns hahaha. but it would have been so good if it worked out.

i mean i can reasonable conclude answers to most of my questions and try to reassure myself with that: she doesnt HATE me, i didnt do anything WRONG, she doesnt’ think i BETRAYED her, she just wanted to AVOID stress, she DOES value knowing me and thought our time together was special and good…….but it would have been 6 gorillion times better if she had just TOLD me that. or wrote me an email telling me that hahaha.

i told you a bunch of stuff even though you didnt ask. didn’t you care enough to ask? i think she did care, she was just too cowardly to ask, there wasnt enough BENEFIT to her to ask. besides, I gave her a lot of answers, so therefore, less incentive to contact me for more answers.

well, assuming she even read the emails. that’s something i’ll never know. I’m sort of assuming she just deleted them, or never read them. but maybe she did! I hoped she did but i’ll never know if she did. if she wanted information and answers and explanation from me, she could find of ton of that in there. i gave her everything she could possibly want: answers, explanation, availability, openness, willingness, and also I flipped out and left the job, which meant, for her, that she didn’t have to see me, look at me, deal with my Creepiness. So it was technically a huge WIN WIN for her. she could very realistically pretend I never existed. She could ignore me and I would go away.  it worked out perfectly for her. she continues at the job, moves up in career and life, meets exciting new men, our Good Friendship becomes an increasingly faded and forgotten memory, there is plenty of fun new stuff to overshadow it.

meanwhile i am completely devastated because i can’t deal with stress. a little bit of stress and rejection and heartbreak and my whole life is literally ruined. this is a way of symbolically K’ing myself, because I am not into actual literal Suizid. some people eat a bottle of pills, some slash their wrists, a cry for help, some people cut themselves, drink too much…….i just quit my job and become a neet loser hahahaha.

my yeah. muh feelings. it hurts to have an important person in your life and then boom they are totally gone. not because they died, but because they LEFT you. COMPLETELY. left you and completely BLOCKED you. it would be better to have one of those half-ass break ups where you think you might get back together again because she’s being too nice to you. like what happened with woman2005. then eventually i came to hate her in a way i will never hate This Woman, and probably that hate helped me get over woman2005. that took way too long thouh hahaha.

i just take a long time to get over women in general. it sucks.

i either want to have HER, or to find someone new as quickly as possible to replace her and forget about her. but i know it just doesnt WORK like that. it just takes a very long time to get over the previous person. so i hate it when women jump into new rels so quickly just because they can. it’s not fair to the man. take a long break from dating AND FOOKING AND ALL PHYSICAL STUFF when you end a rel, BITCHES. hahahaha.

but yeah the feeling of being replaced. she would rather fook some new guy than hang out with me, rather have casual meaningless sex than give our rel the respect it deserved. unbelievable. DISGUSTING.

but we actually had spent a decent amount of time together over the years. she never used to blow me off, avoid me, I wasn’t like her guy of the week where she was interested in me for like a week or a month like some other women. she didnt treat people like that, and i liked that about her. i don’t want to hang out with people who burn through their interest in me so quickly. im not just some flavor of the week hahaha. i am all about long term everything. no social relationship, friendship, or Romance should EVER be short term.

its not so much she did a 180.  i didnt feel she was being dishonest. if anything she was confused and didnt know what to do, so she did nothing. she probably KNEW the right thing to do, but she avoided doing it because it was too HARD. I guess I just want to know that she was smart and decent enough to even KNOW what the right thing to do here was.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/finding-a-poosy-paradise-by-womens-number-of-facebook-friends-around-the-world/

hehehe THAT WOMAN was also not an ATTENTION WHORE who had 500 or more fb friends!

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/the-thirst-a-closer-analysis/

hehehe he is honestly an excellent writer. that makes me more willing to believe his degenerate points, which may be bad. but this isnt degenerate, its just Human Nature goy!! there are rumors that heartiste is at least somewhat a J, and that he gets his ideas from Black Bigman Ooga Booga Thuggery. But women will respond better to a Caricature of Masculinty than the absolutely lack of masculinity from modern white males like carl the cuck or aids skrillex hahahaha.

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/incel-vs-insol/

mar 24

had a weird dream, interesting dream. yes she was in it for 1 second. we were in this large building or ship. there were lots of rooms and floors and a decent amount of people in there. the place seemed kind of dingy and shitty overall. but behind one small unassuming door in a small unassuming room, the door opened up into a huge magnificent ballroom. it was in a slight state of disrepair but it was clear it could be fixed up with any effort. it was huge and just kept going and going. in that dreamlike way, it was SOOO big that eventually it became Outdoors.

anyway i found a small hole next to an old car and for whatever reason climbed into the hole and slid down to the bottom, which was a lot further than i expected. it was a tiny cramped narrow hole but a very long one. very claustrophobia inducing. there were other people in the hole all holding onto each others legs so they didnt slip further. i was now the bottom person in the hole. to get out i had to climb up all of the other people in the hole.

essentially it was last one in, first one out; first one in, last one out.

so the people nearer the top kinda get screwed. they have to wait longer before they can climb out.

now once i got out i stayed at the opening of the hole and tried to help people. not sure how that worked but i tried hahaha. i morally supported everybody hahaha. said its ok keep going were gonna get you out of here soon.

so i figured that was a good metaphor for my life and my mission: to help people who had fallen down the same hole I did.

so i saw HER in the dream because i was on the WARPATH looking for her: “she’s AVOIDING me, but im gonna FIND her!” she was avoiding me but not making a huge effort to HIDE from me, so I found her a few rooms over, hanging out with her new exciting secsy friends. only it wasn’t really like that. she appeared to be laying on a couch with a much older man laying on top her her. like a 60 year old man. but they werent doing anything Secsy. weird. the whole room was filled with quiet sad looking people. I came in and made a scene like “HA! I FOUND YOU! YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME!” and then I found out everyone was so quiet and sad because it was some kind of memorial service for a dead person. great. now i looked like a real asshole. and she would never come back to me. not sure why the old man was laying on top of her. maybe it implies she was molested by an adult when she was young? but I really don’t think she was!!!!!!!!! MAYBE she was. it would explain quite a lot actually. but i have no idea, no proof, and i will never know.  its POSSIBLE and it would explain a bit of her behavior. she may have had a deadbeat father but her mother was pretty good as far as single mothers go, took good care of her, did not neglect her, and prob would not let her be molested! but still all it takes is once, plus children can be scared to come forward.

but yeah its NICE to have an ACTUAL female friend for several YEARS, it’s an actual real relationship with a woman, not some open and shut charade where it begins and ends within 3 months. they quickly lose interest in you and are immediately with a new more exciting guy.

not with her, she was open and honest with me from the beginning, was interested in me, cared for me, gave me time and attention for about 2 YEARS. that is pretty valuable and special IMHO.

like i say, it was a muuuuuuch more important relationship than any of the gurls i “dated”, which were all under 3 months. short term BULLSHIT. this was a long term rel that actually meant something.

yes that is very hard to lose.

yeah i was more invested so i can’t really blame her for “breaking my heart” as much as I can be mad and disappointed in her for simply not CARING that I was HURTING. In a longterm friendship you usually show CARE and CONCERN for the FEELINGS of the other person.

anyway. how do you bullshit a person when you dont know what you’re doing? how much should you study every day after work? well no more than 2 hours i would say. you still gotta go to the gym, GOMAD, and spend time with your family. and stay up till 4 am writing papers for your univ of pheonix class, so you can one day make 16 DAH in an office job, really advance your career, and find a good white wife with all that money and confidence hahaha!

then get 2 hours of sleep and go try to solve weird problems on the phone for 10 hours where it feels like a test that you did not study for at all, an oral exam administered by impatient proctors. “what do you mean? that doesnt make sense. well what happens if bla bla bla bla stuff you’ve never heard of before?” “uhhhhhh i dunno let me try to find out for you, please hold.” 5 minutes later. “Ok did you mean x or y or z?” “what do you mean? I’m just saying bla bla bla bla.” “ok please hold, let me ask again.” 5 minute later. “ok here’s what they’re saying. they’re saying this can’t be done, its not built to do this.”  “well are they gonna fix it? this sucks.” “yep it does suck. and no, I don’t believe they are gonna fix it any time soon. i can check if you give me 5 minutes.” “no thats ok. but what do i do here now?” “hmmmmmmm. great question. let me get back to you in 5 minutes. too bad the level 2 didn’t advise me what you should actually DO here, 5 to 10 minutes ago. please hold!” asking the level 2: “so what do they actually DO here? caller is confused and so am I. I don’t know what to tell them. Is there anything they can DO.” 5 minutes later, from level 2: “Nope not really. can’t be fixed. tell them to start over again I guess.” to customer: “level 2 says nope nothing you can do but start over. i guess hahahaha.” “can I talk to this level 2? I can’t believe they said that.” “neither can I, but I promise you they did, and I can’t think of a way to candy coat it. but you can’t talk to them. they have to give shitty answers to 20 different people in this chat room for the next 4 hours, they can’t take calls.” “wtf kind of operation are you running over there?” “yeah I know. its absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t explain it to you even if I understood it. But a lot of time I end up trying to explain things I don’t really understand.  it truly boggles the mind and will drive you insane. want to switch jobs? please save me from this hell! what did I do to deserve this! I must have made baby torture snuff videos in a previous life!!! I must have been the worst person ever! Why is GOD Punishing me like he did with Job? at least Job had strong faith and a successful life! You’re not really teaching me anything here GOD, except that life is suffering!”

Well, life kind of IS suffering!

Well, maybe the more accurate thing to say is life is STRUGGLING, but it doesn’t have to be constantly SUFFERING. you suffer too much, and then you lose the will to keep on struggling.

anyway the job is sorta like that scene in monty python holy grail where prince herberts father tells the 2 guards to STAY HERE, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LEAVE. And the 2 guards hilariously misunderstand that simple instruction and he needs to explain it 20 times and they STILL misunderstand it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Only instead of ridiculously simple and straightforward instructions like

YOU BOTH STAY HERE.

YOU BOTH MAKE SURE HE DOESN”T LEAVE.

it was super complicated and 50-step procedures that you had no concept of, had never done before, had no idea what they looked like, and which may include other things in there which they didn’t mention and you don’t know what to do on those contingencies.

so in other words, it was really easy to screw up and you were essentially being given incomplete and vague instructions not appropriate for the complicated task you had to do. quickly. while explaining it. but not understanding it.

imagine if the GUARDS were trying to explain to you MUCH more complicated things than in that movie.

so you kinda had to be like the guards and try to interpret instructions in the weirdest ways so you could ask in advance, well what if THIS happens? what if THAT happens? are you SURE you included everything weird that may or may not pop up during that huge procedure? is there ANYTHING else that MIGHT happen that I MIGHT need to know? I’ve never done this before. You’ve been here 3 years and actually seem to know shit. I don’t KNOW shit. Just tell me what to do and i’ll do it, but know I don’t really know right from wrong. I’ve only been here for a few hellish months and still don’t have good knowledge and judgment.

I DONT KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG.

to such a morally minded person as me, it is INFURIATING and MADDENING to not know right from wrong in so many situations. Is this right? i dunno, i guess. Is this working properly? I dunno, i guess, i don’t see anything wrong happening, though I might not recognize wrong when I see it. These aren’t moral matters, but weird technical matters.

i was way smarter than her! yet i freaked out and got flustered a lottttttttt more than she did. of COURSE that annoyed her. everything I did ANNOYED her.

well then tell me what you would do in this situation.

i dunno lol just figure something out.

but you’re an idiot. you don’t know how to figure jack shit out. i just want to know what to do. thats why i study this shit feverishly when i GO HOME. you just smoke MJ and hang out with your FAMILY hahahaha.

its not like she was hanging out with GUYS or was super social either. She was blowing me off just so she could SIT AT HOME with her FAMILY. it’s better than being blown off to party with the gurls or suck dix, but still. Why can’t I just come over and hang out with your family too? I wouldn’t mind seeing them more. I know family is important to you, I agree, family is very important. I wouldn’t mind meeting your family.

i met her mother several times and that was ok, but I would have liked to spend more time with her family to show them i was a decent guy who could be trusted, was a decent guy for her.

and as my feelings grew, she seemed less willing to allow me near her family. or maybe that was just a side effect of her avoiding me in general haha. probably yes the latter. again i don’t think she was deeply thinking about anything at all. she was just quickly emotionally reacting.

I was emotionally reacting too, but I was also deeply deeply obsessively thinking about it over and over and over. ruminating. I dont think she was a Ruminator whatsoever. Shit I wish she were. SMART people RUMINATE.  hahahaha. well, smart people THINK about shit at least a LITTLE bit. she doesn’t THINK about shit AT ALL.

well she didnt think about our situation at ALL. that sucks. she’s willing to think about other rels and other guys but not me.

well hell i’ll never know. I want to know, were you even thinking about me. did i matter to you at all? or was I really just a piece of garbage to you? i can’t believe THAT.

shit. it was such a clusterfook. the fact that the job was paired with HER, made HER all the more worse; and the fact that she was paired with the JOB made the JOB all the more worse. Really destroyed my confidence in Doing Jobs (and having Rels with Women.). so now i cant feel i can do ANY job.

how to bullshit convincingly in tough situations. how to sell someone on an idea even you dont believe. how to fake confidence. how to sound like you believe your own bullshit.

drinking really weak watery coffee seems to be best on my stomach and guts and such. best way to get your caffeine/coffee fix. i just cant drink strong coffee. otherwise too much pooping and gurgling. needs to be weak. jelly of those men who can drink super strong coffee.

so im sitting here looking at maps of new caledonia and the maldives and the kyber pass and the seychelles and some french island i never heard off near comoros and madagascar, rather than doing important productive stuff. wondering, do they have Nightclubs and Hookers here. but why do I want to bang melanesian and polynesian and indian and asian and african hookers? i dont really.

maybe i would rather bang nonwhite hookers than white hookers though. hooking is so degenerate i dont even want to THINK of white women doing it.

ok paul of tarsus is the same as the saul who became paul on the road to damascus. he was called “paul the apostle” but was not an official twelve apostles. how could he be. he was killing christians. well i dunno about that. hes the one who wrote all the Letters/Epistles.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/5-tips-for-lightning-fast-decision-making.html

google how to make decisions quickly.

jsut DO SOMETHING FAST. dont sit there and scratch your head. DO SOMETHING NOW. AND EXPLAIN what you’re doing and why you’re doing it while you’re doing it. fast fast fast. move move move.

https://hbr.org/2013/07/make-good-decisions-faster

transient advantage. I READ THE HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/strategic-thinking/201307/make-good-decisions-faster

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201603/in-love-and-marriage-practice-doesn-t-make-perfect

ie, people that are huge sluts with high numbers have lower marriage satisfaction and commitment because they rode the carousel and have no oxytocin left hahahahaha

being promiscuous is simply not emotionally healthy for people.

Girls are also having anal sex: 20 percent of women 18 to 19 have, 40 percent by ages 20 to 24.

from this shitty article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201603/teaching-girls-the-truth-about-sex

what about 28 year olds? is that like 60% then?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/analysis-paralysis/

http://www.inc.com/larry-kim/6-ways-to-make-faster-decisions-infographic.html

some real ted talks bullshit hahahaha.

maybe this bitch catlady with an mba and 10 cats and no children, and cant keep a man because she’s 50, only has thirsty omeegas lusting after her dried up womb, and the successful men she works with dont even consider her for an affair because she’s 50 and crazy, maybe she can teach me how to make good decisions faster hahahahaha.

me and the woman had a GOOD rel.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201603/4-signs-new-relationship-has-long-term-potential

according to this article, we had a lot of long term potential. i shared her values. i accepted her for who she was. she accepted me for who i was.  she was warm and trustworthy for the first 80%. did we have equal mate value? well not any more. her mate value is WAY higher than mine hahaha. but in the beginning it seemed we had much closer mate value. we were both making Pretty Good money. but fact is, she was younger and Prettier hahaha. but as friends and humans we had about equal Human Value hahahaha.

she made me feel good about myself. well in the first 80%. near the end, i felt horrible about myself because she was rejecting me and avoiding me and shutting me out and that really hurt.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/counseling-keys/201603/rules-texting

when you are texting more than you are really talking, its time to have some FACE TIME hehehehe.

yep. she increasing didnt want to talk face to face so I was increasingly dependent on TEXTS, and facebook messages, and instant message chats. she could CHAT with me from across the room, but she couldnt talk to me face to face. it was SO fooked up. well to be fair i was weird in person too. but if i had like 1 hour to hang out with her outside of work, then it would have been better. at work there was always WORK hanging over your head. better get back to work before you get in trouble. im worried about our rel but i’m also worried about this work i don’t know how to do.

but then when i saw her outside of work at The Final Event, she was very distant there too though.

however there was no way I could have a serious conversation with her there. it was loud and public and she was with family member. come on. and that was the last time i ever talked to her. damn. she did not want to see me outside of work AT. ALL. so me aproaching her outside of work was the NAIL IN THE COFFIN. but do you really expect this from a Good Friend? hell no!

i think a 2.5 Close Friendship is WORTH her writing a long email at least! its WORTH a long, serious conversation!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201506/where-training-fails

hehehe companies hate training employees, but employees need training to do a good job! but companies give the wrong kind of training anyway. hey i forgot i technically had training. but the article is right, you need to train behaviors. we learned the behaviors by “SHADOWING” people actually doing their jobs. WATCH AND LEARN, they said. I wish there was more of an easing into there. like, we had more time to say do a 2 person call and be coached by the more experienced person. instead of 1 or 2 days of shadowing and then BOOM we had to do the job.

wasting time studying partially recognized states in the caucasus, such as abkhazia, south ossetia, nagorno kabakh.

y dna haplogroups. r1a.

anyway. i want to find a podcast to help you bullshit better and sound confident. so you can get jobs and women.  and not sound like a nervous inferior omega neet that cant get jobs or women. or you just get the shittiest fattest ugly women, and not for committment either, cuz they can do better than you hhahaha.

well the jokes on them, cuz i’m not interested in them either hahaha! i am only interested in women that are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY out of my league. hahaha. i guess in this way I’m also like a woman. wanting more than you can have.

CHAMPAGNE TASTE ON A BEER BUDGET!!!!!!!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/constructive-wallowing/201603/how-get-your-partner-talk-you

ok article here.

QUOTES:

E.g., “I’m feeling awkward and anxious right now; I really want to talk to you about ______, but I’m afraid.”

“I feel nervous approaching you about this because I’m not sure how you feel about it, but there’s something I really want to talk about.”

 “This is awkward for me, but I really want to talk to you about something. Do you have a few minutes?”

If the answer is no, then, “When would be a good time?”

(You can reasonably expect your partner to make time to talk with you. See my previous post on expectations it’s good to have in relationships.)

“I’m having a hard time with what happened the other day, and I just wanted to run my thoughts by you and hear what you think.”

“I’ve been feeling awful ever since we had that argument at the movie theater. I felt miserable both during after, and I’m afraid my misery made me come across as rude. Now I’m worried that our relationship is damaged. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and hoping we can get back to the way things were.”

If you value the relationship, don’t hesitate to say so:

“Our relationship is important to me. I want to feel close to you again, and so I need to be honest about my experience with this.”

END

some decent actual scripts for you to say. hhehehe that last one sounded like the email1 i sent here. our relationship is very important to me, i want to be close again, please lets communicate. where i went wrong was that I wanted her to communcate back with me then (she didnt) and i should have just said right then (or wayyyyy earlier): “i really want to talk to you, I have started getting feelings for you and I am feeling very confused and anxious. lets talk about this and not avoid it any more. It is going to change our relationship and I want to do that as painlessly as possible.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201101/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups

mr dreamy doctor dumps woman by email after 2 years of luv

good article too.

QUOTES

nything less than face-to-face sends a distressing message: “You don’t matter.”

“The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.” With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.

“Situations where you have an incomplete picture of what’s going on are perfect ground for the development of rumination,” says Yale University psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. “It can send people into a tailspin.” Many dumpees emerge from the tailspin distrustful of others, making it difficult for them to establish closeness with future partners.

Dumpers themselves may come to re­gret surrogate sayonaras once they realize how badly their vanishing act hurt their former partners—and how little concern they showed. “Five years on, you don’t want to be ashamed of how you handled this,”

“You have an obligation to watch out for the other person’s self-esteem,” Virginia’s Portmann says. “Do not cut them down in such a way that it’s impossible for them to have another successful relationship. Why rub salt in their wounds? That’s torture.”

8. Communicate ongoing appreciation of the good times you shared.

12. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate.

END

 

THE PAST IS REAL

0125

somebody on TRS recommended this metal band, atlantean kodex, a 2013 album. i dont have much energy to listen to new music unless it comes from a reputable recommender which i would count the TRSwaggots as. people generally cmpare it to candlemass, bathory, and epic power metal. they said it was somewhat nationalistic but not sure about that, but they seem to not be ashamed of there bavarian heritage, so thats good, and the lyrics might be larpagan stuff that generally relates to europe, so i think thats what they meant. they arent outright 1488 in other words, and leftist journalists like pitchfork have no problem with them, so.

but yeah it sounds pretty good! great production, long epic songs, soaring vocals, very majestic. i like epic metal and i think it is a decent goal to take epic doom like candlemass and mix it up into an even more epic thing of 10 minute songs.

was also looking for good racially oriented bands. stahlgewitter seems pretty “based” with intimidating tough guy vocals, but they are in german, which adds to the toughguy, BUT i kinda want to know what they are saying. apparently they arent SO 1488 that they are outlawed by the Cucked German ZOG, but i guess its fairly well known they are racially aware and pro-white.

BASICALLY i am looking for something that is upbeat and high energy like vapaudenristi, with good production and drums, somewhat roaring/tough vocals, somewhat melodic, with good lyrics that inspire true nationalist and racial pride without being corny or silly, and in english.

i listened to some skrewdriver but i am autismal about the production. i will have to take some more time and effort with skrewdriver of course.

anyway you have to get good at Cognitive Judo to Karate Chop the BARRAGE of negative thoughts and impaired judgments coming at you all the time. like a damn video game sending out enemy after enemy to get you.

i hate that feeling that i am not entitled to kindness or sympathy just because this was all in my damn head.

the proper response to that is, she could have treated me with the golden rule and made some effort to be kind.

and also noone is entitled to anything sure, but thats a useless argument, you should adopt the REASONABLE EXPECTATION argument instead. if someone was once your friend and not some random stranger, you have a reasonable xpectation to Golden Rule Kindness from them towards you.

QUOTE from TRS forum thread on autistic ridic ASMR vidyas, which is kinda like “emotional porn” of QT gurls whispering to simulate the tingly feel of at QT gurl whispering in your ear, if you have ever experienced that, which if you dont get that on the reg, it gets you all tingly and excited:

Natalie Szőke about 15 hours ago
I’m pretty sure people who haven’t experienced being close to someone has a much more sensitive response to this kind of thing, so that would explain why autists are such a large percentage of who enjoys it. Kind of how people are more ticklish before experiencing a lot of close interaction.

I’ve felt it before but only once or twice, and never from one of these videos, otherwise I probably wouldn’t believe it was even real.

END QUOTE

good point natalie but check your closeness cuddle privilege hahahaha some of us virgins dont get our cuddle on regularly at all. also i have a finely tuned radar for Young Women on this forum, esp young unmarried women, of which there are maybe 1 or 2 hahahaha. either way i am too old and pathetic for a gurl like natalie hahahaha.

so yeah i think its shitty that these autist bitches do that to poor pathetic neet autist virgins. cant they seek their attention elsewhere. or do they sadistically delight in vampiring off the hope and luv of THE most pathetic hopeless men in existence?

but is that just me being woman hating again. to hate attention whoring asmr sluts who get tingles off neet virgins getting tingles of them whispering in their ears.

or is it just me getting butthurt from a 21 year old traditional marriageable woman rightfully saying people like me are Not Very Experienced and Would get off to Mere Youtube Whispering?

well i dont watch the shit. but i was a big fan of cuddling and touching and tickling and whispering when i did it once 10 years ago hahahaha.

someone on the forum  (OneEye, I generally approve of him!) says ” Women can detect fakery and bullshit much better than men can, it’s built into them biologically”. how true is this? cuz i thought women were generally much more gullible and foolable and easily led than men. so much so that women themselves become huge fakes because they dont have a strong sense of self, of who they actually are, they are always “going with the flow” so much. BUT its normal and good to pick a strong horse over a weak horse innit? well not if the strong horse is not the white horse hahahaha.

heh. i was watching lisa ling cnn do a think on “mystery land” in new york, a huge electronic festival, and i reflected how my own state had a big festival like that, and i can only imagine it as a huge degenerate thing of drugs and promiscuous secs, although with probably a “good” number of young and attractive women. i mean big summer music festivals are really not a new thing. but a bunch of 20 year old gurls on “molly” looking to get fooked by strangers sounds really sad and degenerate. the idea did not titillate me that much. i much preferred the idea of cuddling on the couch with That Woman, no novelty, no variety, just monogamy and cuddling and austistic ASMR hahahaha was more exciting than all the drugs and buffet of young white pvssy. i just wanted on nice young pvssy attached to a nice decent white woman and she could tickle me and me tickle her and whisper in my ear and cuddle me and just give me a fooking fair chance and not crash the plane with no survivors hahahaha. give me a chance, dont give up on me because i wasnt perfect.

so if a gurl goes to a multi day music festival with camping, uhhhhhh not a good sign. how many guys does the average gurl add to Her Number at these things?

no way would i let my daughter go to such a thing!

but then wouldnt my daughter REBEL against me, thus i would GUARANTEE her being an even BIGGER slut, by me using strict anti slut defense measures as a father????!?!?!?!?!

ANYWAY my POINT was, when somebodies talking about entitlement, just tune them out. technically no one is entitled to anything. but when you enter into a friendship, there is a SOCIAL CONTRACT of RESPONSIBILITIES implied there: that both people will try not to be shitty to each other.

so she thought i was being shitty to her, therefore she was gonna be super shitty to me.

but i wasnt REALLY being shitty! i was being a TINY bit shitty, like i say, -1, but she was being at LEAST -20 if not -50!!!!! have a SENSE OF PROPORTION!!!!!!!!!!!

basically the idea that she had NO responsibility to me, because my luv was one sided, therefore she had no responsibility to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.

WRONG!!!!!

she had the responsibility to take our whole damn history into account and to try to see the best of me rather than the worst of me, espcially since it was not an abusive relationship. im not even sure it was a toxic relationship. it was definitely getting there. it was more of a ROUGH PATCH that had it continued longer might have developed into a toxic rel. well, the rough patch went on for like 7 months. so yeah the whole rel was becoming toxic. but not abusive. mainly a complete communication breakdown.

ive repeated allt hsi for months. but you see how the negative thoughts barrage me constantly like bad guys in a vidya gaym. and i have to K them All.  stuff like i was to blame, i was the bad guy, i betrayed her, i abused her, i was weak, its my fault she hates me, i betrayed her, i made a big mistake, she wouldnt treat me like this if i didnt do something horribly wrong, i was a weak loser and thats why she rejected me, she was my last chance, i will never meet a woman this good that i had such a real connection with, that was the end, this is the end of my life, my life is over, see the thoughts just keep coming and coming.

yeah i was a little weak, but if she were committed to the rel, she would have tried too. she wasnt committed or invested AT ALL, therefore she didnt TRY AT ALL or lift a damn finger or make a damn effort to do the right thing.

she could have tried! she could have done SOME work! she could have made SOME effort!

its a common complaint that “it feels like im doing all the work”.

i hate it when bitches say, well just adjust your expectations and perception then. be happy then. be happy and satisfied with a cold person who is drifting away from you and treating you like shit and you clearly love them 100000000000 times more than you love them.

fook that. thats still one sided as fook. last time i checked rels take 2 people. and i believe white women still have SOME agency. they are not Retarded Children the way the pick up artists, mgtows, and women haters, and virgins, and me would have you believe hahahaha. oh god i hope all women are not retarded children are they?

no some are mature and decent, like woman2012.

bbbbbut woman2015 did show maturity and agency with other men! I just couldnt get her to show that with me!

well because there SHE was getting dumped and SHE was desperate remember. she was so desperate shed have a talk with the men about feeelings.

but when SHE has to dump a guy, her usual method is to ignore them entirely and hope they get the picture. i saw her do it to this one pathetic guy who was in luv with her. but i was way closer to her than HE was. WAY closer. and therefore i never thought she would do the same thing to me. it hurt me more than it hurt him. like i think they are still faceberg friends, she didnt BLOCK him, he didnt have a breakdown, even though he was kinda the type who would. he more or less just had a temporary crush on her.

i dunno why i feel like i have this jury of women judging me, saying: you brought this on yourself, you deserved this, you awful man. dont complain this hurts. you could have stahpped this. you caused this. YOU did this, not her. you made the choice here, to fook up the rel and to make her do this. yes you did betray her, yes you did deserve this. you reap what you sow. etc etc etc.

because maybe i feel Team Woman would always side with her and would always do the same thing to me…..which really Not All Women Would Act This Way.

0126

or the idea that i am so autistic, so unexperienced, that i will never understand women, and this is jsut one of those things that normie guys understand about women: “yeah its stupid, theyre like retarded children, but if you get feelings for them, they hate you like you are pond scum. just accept it and know thats the stupid way they think.” really???!?!?!?!

ive never been hated like this before! i dont like being hated! i dont like doing things that make people hate me!

i tried to think of when I hated a person like this before. the closest i came was an old roommate in 2001 and woman2005. and yeah it was silly for me to hate them that much. but that doesnt really compare. because with woman2005 i still wanted her, i wanted her back, i hated her for dumping me and then for giving me false hope we would get back together, and then hated her for the happiness she felt from other guys and how she liked other guys way more than she liked me.

but That Person, she hates me with a total contempt and disgust. she isnt jealous for me. she doesnt want something she cant have. i dont even hate individual people like this. i have no frame of reference. the closest thing is my racist hatred for fat, disgusting white mud sharks who defile their race by being fat degen white trash sluts who had mud babies with the worst blacks. and THATS how SHE feels about ME!!!!!

or how about just gross sluts in general, it doesnt have to be just mudshark sluts. but just some ridiculous slut who has been with 50 guys. you just feel disgust and contempt and dont want anything to do with the person.

bach cello suites. i tried to find a white performer hhahahahaha so this guy rostropovich

Polish-German-Lithuanian-Russian family

i know on wikipedia those terms mean nothing, but they usually say in the early life “a j00ish family” or down at the bottom “russian j00s” or something hahahahaha. nothign like that here. also he was friends with soltzenitsyn, so i think we are safe.

not that you cant enjoy a j00ish performer of BACH……i just prefer not to at this point in muh life. there are plenty of options on youtube ni99a.

always read the “EARLY LIFE” section on wikipedia hahaha. rostropovich was a student of shostokovich, who, though the latter was influenced by ((((mahler)))), is still ok. btw stravinsky does not echo. i couldnt remember. it is ((((schoenberg)))) and ((((webern)))) you want to avoid. technically philip ((((glass)))) as well but i have liked some of his stuff.

anyway.

i wasnt used to being hated, esp not for the wrong reasons! and me, the most hateful person in the world, had never hated someone like that before! i have no frame of reference for this!

and you dont like being remembered in a misunderstood wrong way! forever and ever she will remember me as a lower than dirt piece of shit who betrayed her. and thats wrong! i dont deserve to be remembered that way for the rest of her life!!!!! how can the people she knows condone that??!?!?! cant they advise her and say, ya know, youve got the wrong idea about him. because she either tells her own bullshit version of the story to them, or more likely, just tells them nothing at all.

but yeah i never hated a woman like that! except when i was jealously wanting to get back together with her! which is way different than this, where you hate them and want to never see them again, want nothign to do with them. that was more like how i hated my male roomate hahaha.

and i didnt feel betrayed by him, i was just like, yep i did misunderstand him, now i truly understand him, this guy is so fooked up and just so fookin weird. we used to have deep 18 year old teens talks about the meaning of life, and what it all meant maaaannnn, and he came to a hopeless, nihilistic, mgtow, completely atomized and lonely vision of life that i thought was horrifying, and he was completely ok with it. in hindsight he was probably just TROLLING me!!!!!! but rightfully i was horrified that someone should not feel despair over the horrible world he described!

but me and That Woman were very much on the same page re our worldview, and had developed a meaningful relationship with each other. its not like as i got to know her, i thought…..who is this person i thought i knew?

well now i do, after the end hahahaha.

yeah. i just hate being hated. also i just cant understand feeling BETRAYED. even when i hated a person i didnt really feel BETRAYED, as much as SOLD OUT. like, you never really cared about me.  you sold me out and just left me in the lurch.

its hard to get used to the fact that theres someone out there who was very important to you, and they have the wrong idea about you, and will never change it. you want to clear up the misunderstanding but cant.

i would honestly feel better if she didnt hate me! it sucks to have someone important to you just use a guillotine to end the rel, and then go on hating you in perpetuity.

but thats ON HER. if youre gonna hate someone because you feel they BETRAYED you because they got feelings….. thats an indicator of your own immaturity and stupidity frankly. thats not how a normal person views that situation. thats not even how I view that situation!

yeah it was a bad TIME for me to get those feelings. but i admitted that to her, and was willing to admit all the minor mistakes i made. she was not willing to admit any mistakes she made, for example big mistakes like ignoring me and throwing me away.

why would i want someone like that?

becuase she wasnt always like that! her default position to people was one of NICENESS, and i enjoyed that niceness immensely! there were really no red flags that she would treat anyone like this!

she sort of ignored the pathetic acquaintance who was in luv with her, but i didnt think she’d ignore me the same way because i was much closer friends with her.

she cut off the guy who cheated on her, but he cheated on her! he deserved no mercy! shit if some gurl i was in love with cheated on me, id be BEGGING HER to please stop cheating on me and please just get back together with me! when in fact shed probably just dump me altogether. That Woman showed emotional maturity by kicking a cheater to the curb, thats not a red flag, its a good thing!

if anything I would be emotionally immature by begging the cheater to please change, and please dont leave me, ill forgive your cheating 6000000 times, just dont leave me! and then they would leave me hahahaha.

so yeah there were some general yellow flags, but no red flags that she would do something like this to me. so the Red Flag Analysis does not help me process this. nothing helps me process this. it cannot be processed. ultimately, it doesnt really need to be processed. other than to say it was unprocessable, it was a horrible misunderstanding, she refused to listen or empathize or try at all, and i cant make her understand or try, so she will always hate me for a stupid reason.

i dont even KNOW that she does HATE me. maybe its total indifference. well now, 6000000 years later, im sure its indifference. i am just somebody she used to know long ago. and by the way what a piece of shit he was! but that is way in the past. doesnt matter.

well i believe you shouldnt live in the past, but you should appreciate how the past shapes your present and future. for example you just cant unfook all those coks you fooked, all those hearts you broke, all the people you sold out and screwed over. you have to truly repent and make amends and become a better person, or else you will rightfully be viewed with suspicion and distrust. the past is real. its important. its real important hahahaha. it matters.

thats why if a woman says OH THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST, thats a RED FLAG. yes its in the past but the past matters. now tell me how youve changed and become a better person and wont do the same thing again, when youve shown a PATTERN OF BEING SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

you had a baby with a deadbeat in the past. well now you still have a growing baby to take care of.

you cheated in the past. well now we know you have the capability of cheating, vs a person who’s never cheated.

same with sluttishness. you did it once, youre capable of it, you could do it again.

NOT EVEN ONCE. ONCE IS TOO MANY.

yeah i was a degenerate too. but i admit it and i regret it and i will be the first to tell how that was wrong and bad and i never want to do that again!!!!!!!

anyway this is why i want an impartial judge and jury to listen to the facts of the case and determine that i was a little wrong sure, but she is WAY OFF in her interpretation of this, and i didnt deserve this treatment, and shes WRONG to remember me this way!

well maybe she doesnt hate me. shes “just done” with me. or she doesnt feel betrayed by me. shes “just done” with me. fine. but i still say its shitty to just be “done” with someone and dispose of them in this manner. if you want to be just done with someone, tell them and try to make it easy on them. dont just ignore them and give them nothing.

BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. THERE ISNT ANOTHER PERSON IN THE REL WITH YOU.

think of the other person whos heart youre breaking!

i showed empathy to her! i knew what she was going thru! i knew she had a lot on her plate, and that feelings from me were at a terrible time!

but just make an EFFORT to show empathy to me. just a little. ie, see that i want to hang out and talk, so stop blowing me off to hang out and talk.

well i took a break to clean the room. got out a huge bag of throwaway trash/rubbish/garbage, which i am throwing away the way she throwed me away hahahahaha. had to double bag it the way you should probably do it when she spreads that easy pvssy hahahaha to everyone but me. o lord.

anyway, got a huge bag of trash.

and also a pretty big bag of stuff to donate. books and clothes and shit.

AND also moved some stuff into a permanent long term storage bin that will be moved out of the room. this is stuff i cannot bear to throw away, like Journals and Poems and Photos or stuff given to me by long gone friends. that isnt so degenerate i just cant throw it away.

some stuff reminds me so much of the degenerate idiot youth i was, i just threw it away.

its easier to throw stuff away if you dont LOOK at it first hahahaha.

like i threw away a poem/lyric i wrote over 15 years ago that i was VERY PROUD OF at the time, but now i shake my head at what an edgy, dumb teen i was, going down the wrong road with that nihilist or god forbid even communist stuff! that i CAN bear throwing away.

i know my stupid rebellion happened, i dont need any reminders or “keepsakes” or “souvenirs” of how stupid i was. that’s like a slut keeping videos or pictures of the all the slutty secs she’s had. the shits in your memory anyway. its one thing to learn from the past and never forget, but you dont need to TORTURE yourself.

vaccumed the floor of the closet, which had not been done in years, since that was kinda my storage space.

basically GOT RID of this falling apart large cardboard box on the floor of the closet, which was my previous long term storage box till now. threw some stuff out of it. moved everything else to a large study plastic storage bin that will be moved elsewhere. return to the bins once every 2-3 years to throw stuff out hahahaha.

PURGE your STUFF. look for any books, dvds, cds (i am so old i still have a bunch of CDs hahahahaha in storage.) that is DEGENERATE! and just throw it away. or maybe donate it if its not too degenerate hahahaha. maybe some poor blacks will enjoy rolling blunts on your old book by a j00ish neocohen hahahaha.

like i have a super nintendo and some games that i am really hesistant to get rid of. those were honestly great times.

and a bunch of CDs. i already got rid of at least half my CDs but some i had more of an emotional connection to. honestly good memories. i would rather donate them to someone who might appreciate them. i thought muh female friend might appreciate some of them but i will never donate them to her hahahahaha. O. SUCH A TRAGEDY. I CANT DUMP MY UNWANTED GARBAGE ON HER ANYMORE hahahaha. NO, thats not what i MEANT. i meant i knew she actually still listened to CDs (i think) and i would give her no more than 10 CDs of stuff i am pretty sure she would like anyway.

anyway. 1 big bag of trash, 1 bag of d’nations, got rid of 1 stupid big old box, transferred stuff to big plastic container, freed up another good medium plastic container and put other stuff in it.

i swear. PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS are where its at. sterilite, rubbermaid, big ones, and medium ones, with lids. thats what you want. then store and stack em. put stuff near the top that you might use soon.

i would say the smallest you want to get is not SUPER small. make it big enough that you could put a full piece of A5 paper in it facing down. notebooks, folders, shit like that.

if you find yourself looking at a piece of carpet you havent looked at in years, vaccum it.

so i spent at least 90 solid minutes cleaning muh room and it made me feel pretty accomplished. that was good.

i also spilled a huge mug of coffee on the carpet hahahaha.

the falling apart 40 year old cardboard box i tore up and threw away. i was sick of that box being there.

30, 40, 50 year olds are undecided and going to a democratic caucus. come on. there is only one obvious answer here. i could understand a 20 year old twit. but they shouldnt have the vote. you shouldnt have the vote until AT LEAST 25, better 30.

its possible that trumpenfuhrer will disappoint us and sell us out after he wins hahahaha. and never build the wall and let in floods of immigrants and migrants and sell out more jobs to asians. but so would anyone else hahahaha.

like the 50 year old white male small business owner who was thinking of voting for BERNIE. wtf?????????

these fookin politicians hahahaha. degenerate scumbags. so how is a scumbag businessman any better hahaha.

also, i dont like how she thinks she is right and I am wrong. I think I am right and she is wrong. but i need constant convincing. she needs no convincing at all to beleive she is right, ie, that i am in the wrong, that i am an evil betrayer and piece of shit. i obviously dont want her to believe that. because its horrible AND its wrong. and i need to convince myself ERRY DAY that she is wrong and i am right about that fact, and that i dont deserve that.

its hard to put myself in her shoes because ive never been in that position, but i LIKE TO THINK, given my crude approximation of empathy, that i would act a lot better. but men and women are different, SO DIFFERENT, that they CANNOT POSSIBLY see it from the other persons view.

see, i believe men and women are very different, but not SO MUCH that they cant EMPATHIZE with each other. or that you have to say, “WELL, if i were a retarded child with no agency, which is how women are, how would i think about this”? shouldnt have to do that.

like if i had a female friend who liked ME and was signalling hard and wanting to hang out for months and months and months, i would not blow off her hangout. i’d sack up and do what had to be done. i would meet with her, see what she has to say, and since thats a tough thing to say, i would try to grease the wheels by saying, you seem like you have something you want to tell me. youve been acting like you like me. is that it? well im sorry baby i just can luv you like you luv me. sorry to break your heart. you dont deserve that. we should not see each other for a while. i will try to get my desk moved around the corner. or you can hahahaha. i will also not flirt with people from work right in front of you hahaha.

looking for candlemassy semi”traditional” doom…..but more epic. candlemass did not have 10 minute songs. they had like 5 to 6 minute songs. not long enough. so…..lets try some morgion (an all time fav!) and dont forget about before the rain.

and now how about such a band with explicitly pro-white lyrics, and from poland. hahahaha.

trimmed beard as well.

really should get to Gym as well.

but i have only had 795 calories today.

found a bunch of handwritten journals from like 2004, 2005. back when i was still young, still had some potential and hope. well i was not hopeFUL lets say that. i still felt a lot of despair, and threw my life away, and like not, i wrote a lot about it. except then i was drinking quite a bit, and writing the stuff in damn notebooks that need to be stored away in boxes for years to come. so should i just throw the shit away????? i kinda dont want to. hence they get stored in the long term box. maybe in 10 years i can bring myself to throw them away. or i can give them to my wife and children to read to see what a maniac degenerate their father was. yet i am convinced that in those writings you can see my intention to do the right thing, to unfook myself, the nondegen golden heart buried beneath it all.

well as late as 2007/8 i was a self identified leftist. OH NOES.

ok made backups of a livejournal i had going from 2006 to like 2008,9, and some in 11.

it was 707 pages long hahahahahahahahaha.

livejournal does not let you backup pages oh noes.

what would a reasonable, mature person do?

she would have done what i would have done in that situation:

agreed to meet

brought up the topic myself / led them into the difficult topic / asked them straight up on what i suspected the topic actually was

dump them nicely and try not to break their heart

*******understand that a friend developing feelings for you was not a betrayal of the friendship, and no doubt THEY are feeling even more conflicted about than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really the main, only thing she really needed to understand, and which she totally fooking shat the bed on. if i cant convince her of this, i cant convince her of anything. thats something she needs to Learn In Life, Herself.

did she think this was EASY for me? that i was NOT conflicted? obviously the tension was so thick for both of us you could cut it with a knife! i obviously didnt ENJOY this or think it was CUTE!

i have a broken fooking guitar in the basement and brought it up to throw away. i mean the guitar is unfixably broken. the right thing to do is get rid of it, and not let broken shit take up space.

i am not a HOARDER by any means, but i do hoard small amounts of useless junk that really should be thrown away.

out of ALL the people to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, it was ME. like oh. lets not JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. lets HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE STORY rather than fooking BLOCK HIM. maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is (ie thats what she should have been thinking.)

ever since all this shit happened my personal hygiene has been horrible. easily go 3, 4, sometimes 5 days without a shower, takes an effort to brush teeth 1 time a day, that kind of shit. wearing dirty clothes, dirty drawers hahahahaha, going to gym and getting covered in sweat and NOT taking a shower, not changing drawers hahahaha for like 4 or 5 days in a row. i got better about brushing teeth but i would like to get better about taking shower. come on. at LEAST once every 2 days hahahaha.

but yeah this has been a total mindfook. nothing could have prepared me. to have someone you were so close to get rid of you in SUCH a bad way. no it wasnt all in my head, dont you remember when you used to like me as a friend? now you throw me away? because you felt i betrayed you?

give me an ultimatum before pulling ultimatum worthy shit! request a private meeting if you dont want to give the ultimatum in public at stressful job place! then i would have told you my shit too!

it hurts to be thrown away by someone who used to care for you. and she did. i just wish she had reflected more on that before pulling the fookin trigger.

or even cooling off after a few weeks or months and contacting me then, like oooosh i didnt mean to throw you away like that im sorry, let me try rejecting you in a better way.

its probably because she felt so betrayed and thrown away by the PREVIOUS guy, that she is taking that out on ME. human centipede style. because she cant give it back to HIM. well why not? did he block her? i thought she did give him a piece of her mind and tell him what a giant piece of shit he was.  i dont know though.

its just so UNREAL. and knowing youll never make sense of it. knowing there will be no closure. knowing they will always remember you WRONGLY. its very very very hard to just accept that and live with that. it just takes a long time of suffering until HOPEFULLY you become numb to the suffering. 600 days hahahahaha.

and i cant contact her NOW because…..that would be CREEPY, and i have to be EXTRA CAREFUL not to be CREEPY. or else dr nerdluv and atheist elevator skepchick and anita sarkeesian might put me in jail because i made a woman feel uncomfortable for the shitty things shes done hahahahaha.

because its ALL ABOUT THEM hahahaha. i wish she had even TRIED to give a damn about me in the end. thats so frustrating. because she USED to be SO NICE to me. she was nice to everybody and extra nice to me and i was like wow its awesom when women are nice to you instead of huge ice cold bitches. i could see myself liking this.

anyway cleaning the room like that was YUGE. more rewarding than going to the gym. so, once in a while, instead of going to the gym, clean your room instead and get rid of junk. throw away, donate, or put into long term storage.

then once in while, go into long term storage and go through that, try to donate or throw away.

use medium storage boxes to organize stuff you may use in the short term. use large storage boxes for long term storage.

not really good. hahahha. because i did NOTTTTTTT start the rel under FALSE PRETENSES (though MAYBE she thinks i did)

[update aug 2016: yeah i was still going thru a lot of conflict at this time in january. by now i have reached more “closure” and “equanimity”, i.e., it’s easier to see that the simplest explanation is the best, i.e, she just didnt want to deal with a difficult, horribly uncomfortable situation, and just avoided dealing with it altogether. ran away. she probably did NOT hate me or feel betrayed by me. it probably DID cause her pain to end the rel. the rel, and me, probably DID mean something to her. but it was just classic fight or flight. I fought, and she fled. we have all ran away from responsibility, or given up when the going gets tough. and thats all it was. doesnt mean it doesnt suck horribly for me though! it took a damn YEAR for me to reach this fairly reasonable conclusion.]

also its WEIRD HOW MANY PEOPLE would be okay staying friends. with one sided feelings. then they would just try to kill their one sided feelings and appreciate the friendship for what it is. that just is weird as fook to me. cuz i just can kill the feelings. i always want them and need to be away from them for a long time, probably forever. i wish more people understood that!!!!!!

google is it WRONG to get feelings for a friend?

not much good articles. i dont think its WRONG. especially if you are not breaking up relationships or what not. it seems the mature thing to do is to maturely talk about it, without doing a “feelings dump”, and then communicate. not that they women say that. they say well its kinda shitty to tell them about it if they havent given you any signals of interest. women HATE communication and LOVE stupid SIGNALS. god damn stupid. so then YOURE the bad guy when you want to TALK about it. then its a FEELINGS DUMP and too much.

so you dont tell them youre in LOVE with them, you just say i have feelings for you. period. lets go out on a date and cuddle and have casual sex hahahaha.

well what do you call it when the person makes stupid excuses to never hang out wiht you?

then you take the hint and realize they just dont ever want to hang out with you ever again. just lay down and accept that theyre done and its all about them and you dont deserve common courtesy.  hahahaha.

 

A HORRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING, NOT A HORRIBLE BETRAYAL / I DIDNT DO ANYTHING HORRIBLY WRONG / WATCHING A TRAIN WRECK IN SLOW MOTION

0121

shit had a damn dream where that woman played a PROMINENT role. here we were getting along and actually hanging out, but she had a boifran, kinda sorta. the implication was that she had been available, then some confusion whether or not she was dating a guy, and she probably was. kinda like what happened in real life. i was unsure of her status because i was too pussy to talk to her about it. and so i did some mild facebook stalking instead. really didnt need to go too deep there tho.

anyway in dream she was starting dating with a white badboy, well he was more of an alpha toughguy than me, which is not hard, and had some decent natural game. hard to tell if he would end up being a deadbeat or cheater. inconclusive. anyway at this time i had feelings for her and didnt want her to date this guy, but rather me. i was hanging out with them BOTH and i got along with the guy ok. but i was getting more passive aggressive, btichy, and beeta towards the gurl. i was feeling that i just should come out and tell her i like her before i do something stupid. around that time the dream ended.

it was different than reali life in several important ways: one, i was hanging out with her and had access to her.

two, there were times i did hang out with her and her and BF1, and i got along with him, but this was Before The Change. I wanted them to resolve their issues, i didnt like like her or want to steal her or want the rel to fail so i could swoop her up. thought maybe she thought so and thats why she hates me.

also i was much more passive aggressive in the dream than IRL, where i was more just passive pathetic.

anyway that sucked, i hate dreams with women and she was in this one a lot.

a big point that i have not made so much hahahahaha is that I DID NOTHING WRONG. when someone TREATS you like you did something horrible wrong to them, and then they hate you, well you would not be blamed for feeling guilty, like you did something horribly wrong to them, made some horrible mistake. cuz thats exactly how they are treating you.

so it takes a lot of work to convince myself of the truth that i did NOT do something horribly wrong.

cuz im genereally nice to people, there are not a lot of people who HATE me the way she does. i do not like being HATED. i dont do such terrible things to people to cause me to be hated. so when im hated, and treated like i did them horribly wrong, then i feel terrible. like i DID do something horribly wrong.

and it has taken a lot of time and effort to realize, wait a minute, maybe SHES WRONG, shes misunderstanding, i actually did NOT do anything wrong.

when i was rejected by other women, they didnt treat me like that. it was obvious they just werent into me, simple as that. so i was able to hate them easier, make them the bad guy easier, say it was all their fault easier.

this case, not so much. she hated me and was so angry at me and i felt HORRIBLE!!!!! what did i do that was so wrong! it HAD to be SOMETHING, to make her so upset! how can i make someone so important to me HATE me without even trying!

when in fact its “just” her misunderstanding it royally.

she could have chosen to sit down at the table with me and get my side of the story. i was more than willing to see her side of the story. i made great efforts to see the situation from her perspective. empathize. put myself in her position. imagine why she hated me so much. because i was CHANGING, and therefore her perception of me had to change, and she didnt want me to become a person who had interest in her. i was no longer safe and soft and predictable and trustrworthy. i was now a MAN with DESIGNS on SECS. but really it was so much more than that. and i COULD still be trusted. but good luck in making somebody understand something when they dont want to understand it.

but yeah when your once close friend treats you like you did something horrible to them, and hates you, you feel bad for it, and think, oh god i wish i hadnt done that horrible horrible thing. and then trying to come to terms that what you did wasnt really bad, and that is a error of judgement on THEIR part. them being compromised and unwilling. people have been doing this forever, its nothing new, and not even very complicated, but when it happens to you, in the context of Luv, its ridic tough to convince yourself that youre not the bad guy, that you in fact did nothing wrong, even though the other person thinks you did.

especially when like me you are concerned with taking responsibility, and taking blame, and assigning responsibility, and overanalyzing relationshits. hahahaha.

so yeah that dream sucked cuz its like seeing her again.

and its a daily yearly struggle to convince myself that i didnt actually do something horribly wrong. there wasnt some one big sin that i committed. she overreacted the fook out of this. and then i guess i overreacted to THAT by ruining my own life.

but i would argue that the nondegenerate proud white K selected Family Man Against Time is one that develops deep feelings for women, rather than treating people like …………. disposeable garbage.

well she didnt see it as her treating me as garbage, she saw it as giving that horrible asshole his just desserts for betraying me!

she wasnt THAT paranoid! she trusted her boifrans and was loyal to them!

maybe it is because she was so burned by her most recent shorter term boifran. he actually betrayed her and broke her heart. so that probably made her much more paranoid of men. of course i knew very little of that whole relship.

anyway if she were looking for a man right after the BF1 breakup……shit i just dont know enough about how things happened! i know she knew BF2 prior and may have sort of been friends with him….how come he could make the transition from friends to lovers without her going crazy and accusing him of betrayal? well because she was TINGLING for him, he had that alpha charm which women LUV, which i dont have so much.

shit. what she did to ME was closer to BETRAYAL than what i did to her, yet ME, in MY horribly emotionally compromised state, can STILL recognize that she didnt REALLY betray me, that it was just a horrible horrible MISUNDERSTANDING!!!! even though i was hurt by her WAY more than she was hurt by me! and really i SHOULD HATE her and blame her and never have it cross my mind that i did anything wrong!

but i know she didnt BETRAY me, she was just confused and overreacting and misunderstood! i wish she could have shown me a fraction of the Empathy or even Sympathy that i showed her!

this was so devastating and horrible and life ruining for me that i want to take SOME kind of lesson out of it. but the lessons seem so simple and cliche that it just wasnt worth going thru something so painful to get THESE lessons. like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is just 1 penny. its something…..but THATS IT?!?!?!?!?!

also it was so painful because i simply had not been this close to a woman in years. i was closer to her than i was to the gurls i pseudodated. have i mentioned this hahaha. we had more of a real connection, were actually on the same page, etc.

so its my fault because i should have known better than to GET ATTACHED.

well i certainly didnt get attached TOO FAST. it took me FOREVER to get attached.

but now the mistake i made was not telling her RIGHT AWAY. so i could see that SHE had no feelings for me and therefore TRY to dial it down on my end before i got too far gone.

yeah it was a MISTAKE, but i dont think it was an unforgivable, horrible, huge mistake, or betrayal, like cheating or abuse. besides i also changed my behavior to her pretty much immediately. mainly with more texting, and saying different types of things to her. if i were intent on HIDING/LYING, i wouldnt do that, now would I???!?!?!?!

and a damn LIFETIME has passed, i should be over it, im kinda stagnating now, its like a dull pain that never goes away, and yet i know that she is over it and enjoying her life and being respected at our job and continuing to make decent money.  and 191 days later i am still obsessed.

and i am convinced she doesnt deserve to be respected at the job because she is in the bottom tier, she doesnt really understand the shit, she just parrots shit efficiently but doesnt really know how to solve problems.

but thats all you need, plus this is an unfair judgment on my part, because the company doesnt train people, and it was only through developing an unhealthy obsession that I made the effort to become one of the smart people. shit is very cliquey and if you arent friendly with the right people youre screwed. and none of this is fair and its not fair for me to criticize her for it. fine.

i was just bitter butthurt that the default position was unrespected incompetent idiot, and you had to make great personal sacrifices in order to get ANY respect and gain ANY competence. i made those sacrifices and got that respect, and i was angry that she was also getting respect without the sacrifices. i mean shit just being in that hellhole SHOULD have been enough of a sacrifice, but it wasnt. you had to go home and STUDY on your free time in order to get BETTER. i did that, she didnt. i wouldnt blame anybody who didnt! they had families and children!!!!

i thought she was getting respect just because she was a young purty gurl, from all the Thirsty 40+ year old divorced and/or lonely men hahahaha who were willing to help the damsel in distress. white knighting hahahaha.

and so i would quiz her to see if she knew the shit i knew and of course she didnt. i got a little passive aggressive but im not even sure she noticed, if anything she interpreted it as me going crazy from the job. which i kinda was. but i was also going crazy because of her too.

also we were in kind of different cliques. i would have preferred that we both picked the same clique hahaha. well sometimes the cliques choose you. esp if you are a young purty gurl. then all the cliques are competing for you hahahaha.

i fell in with a clique of Smart Young Kool Kids. im not even sure what her clique really was. somewhat creepy “thirsty” older men? like even older than me? with some known cheaters and scumbags in there. again i dont even know for sure becuase she was already closing herself off.

its hard to JUST ACCEPT that somebody doesnt want to be part of your life anymore. i still havent JUST ACCEPTED it. i figure it will take at LEAST a year to get to that point, maybe 2.  however long it takes for the memory of someone to die. doesnt help if you see them on facebook, in dreams, or god forbid IRL.

just having real trouble getting over this. STILL want to contact her. i 99% prob wont, but still a constant temptation. after 157 days no contact. FOOOOOOOK. this is what Bad Closure does. takes you THAT much longer to get over it. i “only” had feelings for her for 10 months, but its gonna take WAY more than 10 months to get over this!

because we had an actual real relationship in the form of a real friendship, and then the horrible way it ended.

weev. have i come out and said that i like weev and support him? kewl guy. super alpha tho. he absolutely SLAYS the pvssy. certainly went thru a degen phase because what young man is gonna turn down hordes of young qts throwing themselves at him? he was too busy drowing in pvssy to be able to realize that Womanizing Is Degen. I cant really fault him for it. it doesnt degrade him nearly as much as it degrades the women. most of whom were prob already too far gone anyway. like the feminist troll shanley kane (name?). she used to be racist and she hooked up with weev and he taught her how to troll effectively and now she broke troll ethics and trolls men out of their tech jobs just because they are men and she hates men because she prob had a bad rel with her father, and “slept with a lot of assholes.” and she has since become an antiracist sjw feminist. weev understandably shakes his head and regrets being with her and teaching her trolling skills.

but it is a shame that he is unhireable because of his political beliefs. especially when he has the hard tech skills to make GOOD money. it takes a special kind to get that good. you need to be obsessed and focused and basically teach yourself to code starting at age 12 or earlier. i was first introduced to code at age 17  (BASIC?) and i got an A in the class, but….i was unable to connect it to Actual Paid Coding Work and What Coders Do.

I later learned a lot more coding at age 27 or 28, getting twice as deep at least, and still…..same problem. what can i really do with this. how does my C++ tic tac toe program translate into the real world. took 2 classes in C++, 1 class in visual basic, 1 class in SQL and databases, 1 class in ASP.NET, 2 classes in “web design.”. and I got all A’s, and still feel like i got nothing real out of it. like 24 credits down the drain hahahhaha.

also the shit was so frustrating. almost as frustrating as muh tech support job. going over the stuff over and over trying to find logical errors. not knowing how to do stuff efficiently. never really understanding anything.

which is why im skeptical about “TEACH KIDS TO CODE!!!!” like it opens up a whole new world of opportunity for them. maybe it is, if they get into it young enough, and then become autistically obsessed with coding from ages 10 to 70.  but i gave it a fair shake and didnt really get anything out of it. we got as far as like pointers and dynamic memory and queues and stacks and classes and polymorphism and stuff that seemed pretty hardcore…..but it wasnt. it was frustrating and went nowhere. it did not have any relevance to muh tech support job where i made better money than i even made before. and now i have forgotten it all.

no i was not some bigshot making 18DAH either hahahaha. but i was actually making more than 12DAH believe it or not! as someone who was used to making 10 DAH it was a huge step up. i still cant beleive it.

besides you can just get an h1b indian with a Masters in Coding to work for half the price of an american. teaching 30 year olds how 2 cout >> helloworld.output(); is not going to do shit. They will still be working for 10 DAH at the insurance company call center O GOD telling people their claims are denied but i cant explain why and i cant let you talk to the person who made the final decision, and we cant appeal that, so sorry your kid/mother has to die of cancer. next caller please.

and i certainly dont have the initiative and drive and AGENCY of those indians with the masters degree, traveling a world away from their families, to make shitty money, thats still better than the even shittier money theyd make back in india. working for jooish proejct managers and VPs and department heads who dont know technical shit at all and just want you to make sense out of the un make sense out of able. for 80 horrible hours a week. this is what you left your family in india for. but thousands of them do it. i would K myself!

so you have to be special to get hired as a white american coder. young and special. not just good, but best of the best. and i think weev has those kind of skills. i certainly dont. though i can certainly code better than the average prole hahahaha. i just cant DO anything with it.

enemy outlets like gawker say weev mixes lies with the truth and sometimes adopts fake or temporary identities, like becoming a mormon for a few months. but this is prob just gawker smearing the rightist racist; also he got a huge swastika tattoo on his chest which is usually a sign of legit committment hahahaha. unless that was just a photoshop. pretty sure it wasnt though.

i just mention him becuase he is a mini celebrity on the TRS forums and just kind of a mini celebrity in general, and also kind of a high profile Uncloseting in a field where people are pathetically leftist but they really shouldnt be. in fact i am certain there are plenty of Coder Shitlords, but they keep their mouth shut because they know exactly how vulnerable they are!

but someone who has an actually very valuable moneymaking skill, then comes out under their real name as a hardcore WN, i have great respect for.

or even people that DONT have great moneymaking potential.

so why dont I do it? ive essentially got nothing to lose. i could do something real for the movement.

but could i really? at best i would be “just” another daily stormer. not crapping on DS, i could not even approach that level right now. and who knows, maybe anglin was making shitloads of money and then gave it all up to become a huge WN under his real name, to get harrassed by feds and shills and living on d’nations and not having a real home.

anyway my point is, its harder to give up shitloads of money to come out of the closet, rather than be a neet loser like myself and come out of the closet hahahaha.

do actual neets go to the Gym every day like i do?

http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-na-daily-stormer-interview-20150624-story.html

https://archive.is/VCGBc

andrew anglin sets the record str8 in march 2015

i would link directly to him because atm i believe hes a good guy and deserves dnations. i just dont want him to know people are getting to his site thru me. but i encourage u to visit dailystormer and give him some money. i think this asian sex scandal is a bunch of bullshit.

anyway yeah it is CREEPY to be obsessed with a woman, and understandably makes her very uncomfortable. but really she never KNEW how obsessed i was with her, therefore good karma for me hahahaha. she knew i had strong feelings for her, she hated me for betraying her image of the Safe Me, and that was it. if i were obsessively stalking her and sending her messages every day, maybe. but i didnt. but i send her 3 emails during that time, 2 of which were SUPER LONG. in fact, even just that last email was SO LONG that just that ONE email would be CREEPY. NOBODY sends an email this long unless they are OBSESSED.

WRONG! no one writes a years worth of blog posts unless they are obsessed!!!!!!!

but i am not showing these to her, i dont intend for her to read them. i hope she DOESNT! ive never told her about this. never would. its mainly catharsis for me. and good lord do i need a LOT of catharsis and self soothing ALL DAY ERRY DAY. hehehe all my free time is spent self soothing hahahaha. i should have done the same while i was working. rather than coming home and studying and worrying i should have been self soothing. well what i did sometimes was take a ton of MJ, that was pretty soothing, and THEN go study.

and I think the MJ helped. Ideally I would have just gone to the Gym but i was too scared to sign up.

but i was ALWAYS worried about it. i COUDLNT self soothe unless i were getting Blazed and perhaps going to BED at 8 pm and watching king of the hill was really the best. but then as soon as you get in bed you worry about the shit thats gonna happen the next day. the weird phone calls, the unknown unknowns, and you flailing and thrashing and pretending you know what youre doing, working to put on a face and say everythings gonna be ok.

and you try to get support from your friend who once supported you but now they think youre too much to handle and they are now turning away from you. and you are watching the TRAIN WRECK IN SLOW MOTION. we were both in denial but i was expressing more concern and worry abotu it, like whats happening between us, i know we can get along again, lets just please communicate with each other, im worried about losing you bla bla bla. it would have been nice if SHE expressed more of that kind of concern, rather than ambivalence. show some concern or luv through kind words at least. NOPE.

so what. so that happened. now we move on right.

so, a relationship destroyed by a tragic misunderstanding. you cant just say the rel would have been destroyed anyway. sure it would have to END, but it would end in an honorable way like having a funeral for a beloved person, as opposed to a dishonorable death of a traitor being killed execution style. machine gunned into a mass grave. a violent, ugly, brutal death for a dishonorable traitor. i dont think i deserved that! i deserved the honorable funeral!

not to say i was perfect. i did do some things wrong. namely by being cowardly and beeta and not saying something RIGHT AWAY. but that kind of cowardice and covering up is a LOT different than pretending like youre not having an affair on your wife. with the TRULY horrible things like that, you try to cover up the evidence because you dont want the truth to come out.

i DID want the truth to come out and was giving hints as much as i could!

do i have to explain how getting feelings for someone is NOT like cheating on someone?

but she considered it a betrayal of the friendship and she was just completely unwilling to listen to my side of the story.

just a very unique situation which i have never faced before and which many people actually do NOT face.

im not sure how many people have fallen in luv with a friend. maybe half of people? prob a little LESS. 40% lets say. most people fall in luv with people they are “dating”, ie people they had secs with soon after meeting. ie, the idea of secs was always on the table from the very first meeting. that was the driving force, not the idea of friendship and getting to know a person.

ok. so of that 40% that have fallen in luv with a friend….how many of those were rejected? probably at least 60% of them. BUT I would say the vast majority of those rejections (90%) were done in a proper, good, friendly, adult way, like AW IM SORRY!

so, 10% of 60% of 40% of people have gone through what i gone through. hahaha. so, starting with 100 people, thats, 40 people fell in luv with friend, .6 * 40 or  24 of THEM got rejected, and 2.4 of THEM got rejected BRUTALLY. BTFO.

hehe so i am the 2.4%. actually i was hoping it would be more like under 1% hahahaha. becuase i want to be a special snowflake.

i mean most people have been rejected and heartbroken. at least 75% of people.

and at least 75% of those have experienced a BAD heartbreak, ie cheating, betrayal, anger, lies, hate, bad karma, abandoning, rather than just good heartbreaks, ie, person dumps you in a polite, proper, civilized, good karma way (“im sorry this just isnt working for me, youre a good person, im sorry to dump you.”)

so that is 56.25% of people have experienced a BAD heartbreak. which is essentially all this is. so maybe im even LESS of a special snowflake. hahahahaha.

well its a special kind of BAD heartbreak because it came resulting from falling in luv wiht a friend. and THAT is closer to 2.4%.

people talk about “high energy” and “low energy” in 2016, it was becoming a meme in 2015 and its reaching its peak now as a minor meme. i am most definitely LOW energy hahahaha. this is bad. this makes you unattractive to women, employers, clients, and friends. low energy = loser hahahaha. total neet loser.

 

google got feelings for friend now they feel betrayed

hmm nothing good.

google its not betrayal its a misunderstanding.

not much. the trope of “ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” where you walk in to find your wife in bed with julio the poolboy. ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

in this case, it was EXACTLY what it looked like. i was acting like i was in luv with her, becuase i was in luv with her!

certainly she observed me and thought “he’s acting weird, like he likes me all of the sudden. and hes been acting like this the past few months and hasnt been stopping.”

did it ever occur to you that it was exactly what it looked like?

so the misunderstanding wasnt in that. it was in that that was bad. that that was a betrayal of a friendship.

a betrayal of a friendship is stabbing your friend in the back. selling your friend out. really leaving them hanging when they needed you and asked for your help.

if a male friend fell in gay love with me, i wouldnt think of it as a betrayal. especially if they were giving me weird hints. i might say, IS EVERYTHING OK? IS THERE ANYTHIGN YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT OR TELL ME. You seem to be very worried. whats up. what do you want to tell me. are you in gay luv with me or something hahahaha, ease into it with a joke.

or if i strongly suspected her of being in luv with me.

for a while i weakly suspected her of maybe liking me, but that also came from confusion and inexperience that i didnt know what it felt like for women just to be nice and sweet to me. i automatically thought it meant they liked me.

put it this way: if she was giving the same strong hints I was giving her, I would have confronted HER in the gentle kind open manner described 3 paras above.

google betrayal or misunderstanding

results in a bunch of degen and stupid FANFICTIONS of elves fooking each other and bois dressing as animu gurls. ok…..

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-youre-accidentally-making-everyone-hate-you/

QUOTE:

If you’re confused, think of it this way: If you apply for a job, which is worse — a rejection letter, or no reply at all? The former is bad, but the latter is dismissive, and that’s a thousand times worse. (Note: By far the angriest reaction I get to hate mail is when I don’t reply at all.) That’s how some people take your failure to speak to them — like you didn’t even open their resume before tossing it in the trash.

 

See, there is an old saying: Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is. For many people, you’d be better off telling them to f00k off, because at least then you’re acknowledging that they matter.

END

yes very cliched but at this point i need to read the cliches and believe they are true. that i didnt do something horribly wrong. that she just fundamentally misunderstands this. not sure if i believe apathy is the opposite of luv tho. cuz i am sure she hates me AND she doesnt want to tell me to f00k off. dont hate me! dont hate me for an unfortuante but natural part of life!

http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/forums/topic/just-been-friend-dumped/

uhh pretty sure i linked this before but its a good one.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/forums/topic/just-been-friend-dumped/

i will not let this page die!

https://archive.is/ERPtR

2 cached versions for ya

or when women say youre clingy even though you dont think youre being clingy. then they tell you youre clingy then block you hahaha leaving you heartbroken. hhahahahaha. yep. only imagine that happening after 3 good years.

NO it wasnt 3 good years. it was at MOST 2 GOOD years. more like 1.5 good years because for the first few months i knew her i wasnt really friends with her, i just got along with her. it takes a while to become official friends. you need to know them. official friends is by DEFINITION a long term thing.

anyway i cant even being a woman and having OPTIONS. i could see how that could help you get over something. if i had OPTIONS right now, i would then hang out with those women, demonstrate that NAWALT, etc, and maybe get over things. i mean i have Processed everything and Faced a Flood of pain. now i’m just STUCK in a RUT. and having OPTIONS might help me get out of that rut. some random young QT being nice to me and maybe i could get HER off my mind, when she doesnt need to be in it any more.

this is not to be confused with women dating new guys within a few days or weeks of ending a rel. TAKE AT LEAST 6 MONTHS BABY, I DID hahaha

i dont think SHE took 6 months before ending it with the long term BF1 and starting with BF2. but thats becuase women ALWAYS have options at all times, and at this time its prob a tough temptation to resist.

WOMEN HAVE OPTIONS AT ALL TIMES, MEN NEVER HAVE OPTIONS EVER. hahahaha.

and that is right, natural, and just becuase of how we are BUILT. MY beef is when the women FLAUNT it. its like a superrich man in super expensive clothes swaggering past a bunch of poor bums.

or, somewhat different, a person who goes to a buffet and eats THE WHOLE THING and becomes 10000000 pounds. kinda like the gluttonous man in month python meaning of life.

its like me denying and abusing my white male privilege hahaha. women have sexual choice privilege. this is much more obvious and real than white privilege hahaha. no but it really is.

but yeah the whole reason i cant stop thinking about her is I STILL WANT HER. I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER. not that i was ever really “together with” her in the first place, but we were close. i wish we could be close again, and then we could have a fun good friends hangout session, then i tell her about my feelings, and she is favorable to it.

would i still want her back if i were giving it to some young qt gurl?

well maybe. hahahahaha. maybe i just need more time hahaha. you never stop wanting them.  until you avoid them completely for like 2 years. that might be the rule hahaha.

yeah. to STOP WANTING THEM takes FOREVER. at least 2 years. and usually need to find someone new around that time too.

heh. i just hate how women can get over men SO FAST. like they never meant anything to them at all. or maybe thats just me hahahaha. and just move through men so quickly: meet, start hanging out, start having secs, date for a while or less, break up, get emotional, meet another man or start fooking another man in their stable, etc, repeat this cycle 3 or 4 or 5 times a year, it sounds not only EXHAUSTING, but also grim and nihilistic to go through “relationships” so damn FAST. at least dont have SECS with ALL these guys.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/565762-feelings-close-friend-can-t-move

LS has this great “FRIENDS AND LOVERS” subforum which seems tailor made for me. people falling in luv with their friends.

misunderstandings are very common cuz women give nothing but mixed signals all the time. it gives men such grief. really you just have to be alpha and take what you want. i would say just charge ahead until she says STAAHHHHHHP. and even then 50% of the time it doesnt mean STAHP, they still want to get fooked. what a bunch of high number degenerates hahahaha. theyve just taken too mcuh cok.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/565061-pursue-drop-strung-along-going-insane

just reading about the mixed signals drives me crazy. 19 years old and the gurl is already RUINED FOR LIFE. so sad. and niceguys like this pay the price for it.

there are a lot of degenerates on LS who see nothing wrong wiht promiscuity and having secs early and cheating on your spouse because legit reasons. so be careful. some of these people need to be judged and shamed for degen beaviour.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/565124-suicide-because-man-can-t-attract-women-2.html#post6727186

QUOTE from user buddhist

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious-One View Post
Dont ever judge someone until you walked a mile in their shoes.

Nobody can really understand how OP feels…many of you make it seem like its not the end of the world but only OP know what it truly feels to be in his situation.

buddhist:
Nice cliche but no cigar on this one. One in four people become seriously depressed in their lifetime, perhaps not over the exact same issue, but depression feels the same no matter the cause of it. I’ve been depressed to point of planning my own suicide. Hence why I think I can speak on the matter. It took me over 5yrs to come out of a 10yr depression cycle. Thats one third of my life feeling like the OP does. I’ve walked more than a mile in his shoes thanks.

I also know that no matter what anyone writes here it’s all going to feel like a ‘sucks to be you’ sentiment to the OP. He has lost perspective, that’s what depression is all about. It’s blowing a problem up huge by obsessing about it until life loses it’s flavour in all directions and a sense of hopelessness sets in. I also know that when you are in a depressive cycle you are generally clueless about how you are coming off to other people and don’t understand why others distance themselves. It feels like a conspiracy, unjust, unfair behaviour. Yet it’s not until you are beyond depression that you see yourself in others and think…..of course! I wouldn’t want to be around that either.

What depressives generally do is argue their point until it’s a dead stinking maggot infested horse. Whenever someone offers a solution or insight, they argue why that person is wrong. They don’t move from their perspective or consider other points of view. They are wilfully intent on proving why their perspective is the right one. We’ve seen plenty of that in this thread.

END

hehehehe

the distressed people truly write some LONG posts. it means they care a lot and are in a lot of pain. reminds me of the LONG emails i wrote her. now these strangers posts are TLDR for me, but im glad to see im not the only one who writes LONG stuff when having trouble wiht a person.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/41340-pain-death-vs-pain-infidelity

interesting thoughts here. took nyquil, too lazy to describe. comparing grief of end of rel to grief re death, which i have done as well, concluding that end of rel is almost worse because you know they are alive and happy without you, also someone dying has no agency, they arent choosing to throw you away. this person makes the interesting point. but its a diff situation: a good marriage that ended too soon due to death. and a bad marriage with a cheating wife that ended not a moment too soon! his cheating wife was a real piece of shit, which will help him get over her more quickly. but the mans dead wife, they were soulmates who luved each other, and he was devastated to have the love of his life die of a brain tumor. it will likely take him much longer to get over it!