aug 17

was watching new season of married at first sight, jeez. i dont generally like the first 5 episodes or so, thru the honeymoon. i prefer them at home when shit gets real. anyway i am most interested in the “blond” white woman (hard to call them “women” because they are not ADULTS, this is why we call them “GIRLS”, because they act like immature little children, 13 years old) and her hubby. 32 year old flight attendant and 35 year old whatever. account manager. he is handsome and charming and masculine but she doesnt like him because he smokes cigs “OCCASIONALLY” and sometimes gambles. she is butthurt on the HONEYMOON because he smoked cigs every day and she thought “this is what occasionally means? erry day?” and she got all distant and bitchy and stubborn. he felt that immediately. he spoke his mind very fully and perhaps “abrasively”, which meant she got more stubborn. but he had very good points, and she had none.

i felt she was not giving him a CHANCE.

both other couples were generally much “better”, but there were still some patterns: the man would be trying to communicate, and the woman would take something he said THE ENTIRELY WRONG WAY, GET TOTALLY BUTTHURT ABOUT IT, and then the man had to give her space while she continued to Brood and not really think any constructive thoughts about it, then grovel for an apology when he didnt really do anything wrong, and the women were looking for any possible reason to get mad at these nice men, and the man would say “I want to make this work, lets FIX this, I’m not going to walk away from this” while the woman would be like “idk. idk. idk if i can do this. i cant even. this isnt gonna work out. were too incompatible.”

basically being CHILDREN that have no interest in communicating, no interest in fixing conflicts, always overreacting, and never giving the man a damn CHANCE.

the MEN are good at communicating and handling conflict…..the women are TERRIBLE. and this is why the women are single at age 33, 34. because THEY fook up every relship theyve ever had by being huge overreacting bitches who have no desire to put in any effort. run away when the going gets tough, which they create by overreacting to some harmless little thing. then blame the guy and make him the bad guy. HE started it.

the show brings out muh woman hating tendencies hahaha.

ironically the ones who got along best were the ones who had secs within 2 days of meeting each other. that definitely created some sort of chemicals that made them want to be nice to each other. and even THEN she was STILL looking to pick a fight with him about some small remark he made, and she thought he was attacking HER. but then they had makeup secs and everything was ok…..for a while.

these women are a goddamn minesweeper minefield, ONE misstep and youre DONE. they are CHILDREN who LOOK for arguments, and then have NO ability to deal with those conflicts. and say the man said ok, ill change and do whatever you want, youre right, im wrong, she’d dump him then too for being a doormat.

obviously the solution is to put the woman in her place and just not take the bullshit at ALL.

anyone watching the show, even women, i dont see how they could say these men are at fault, or these women arent being RIDICULOUS.

even the masculine man doesnt know the proper way to put the woman in her place. cuz HE gets upset and frustrated…..which I can TOTALLY understand! he wants to fix a problem, and she is being stubborn and stupid! it IS frustrating! and women would say stupid shit like” GOD! why do you always want to FIX everything!” as if you shouldnt even TRY to improve problems in your rel, and the only right thing to do is run away and avoid and shut down.

i guess he should have just smiled and patted her on the head and said “thats nice, sweetie”, then fooked her HARD about 88 times in a row. then smoked cigarets right in bed after the secs hahahaha. just take TOTAL CONTROL of the situation with a Confident Smile on his face.

and this guy is generally pretty masculine, the most masculine guy on the show. way more masculine than me!

so i have to wonder, are all women really like this? is this one of those things where i have to say “yeah its STUPID, but thats just the way it is, so learn how to DEAL WITH IT, or stay a woman hating foreveralone virgin forever” ?


INCREDIBLY, ridiculously, EXTREMELY stupid. and yeah that IS frustrating, makes you lose your cool.

i can keep my cool with moderate levels of stupidity, but women are so EXTREME with it. i mean they can really push the buttons.

and then i think, well this woman has a MASTERS DEGREE, doesnt she need conflict resolution skills and communication skills for her masters level career as a social worker? instead she communicates like a damn 12 year old girl. thats what rustles me. how can you maintain a PROFESSIONAL CAREER with abysmal communication and people skills like these?

yeah i know social work is a joke, but you still have to have a masters degree and talk to people in tough situations! i mean in an ideal world, it WOULDNT be a joke. it sounds stressful as fook and i dont know how these STUPID DITZES HANDLE it!

they probably just parrot chipper cutesy HR speak to their clients. dont actually listen to them. a woman actually LISTENING to somebody? HELPING them SOLVE PROBLEMS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! thats a good joke.

like she was never in LUV with some badboi who SMOKED. she would have begged him to stay and would have ate ashtrays of cig butts for him to stay. thats probably why shes so triggered by this guy now. you want to get MARRIED? you havent gotten over the OTHER guy!!!!! take a YEAR or TWO off from dating, relships, and yes FOOKING, and do some SERIOUS thinking and reflecting, so you can get over your past! like im doing! and yes it is hard and long struggle!

so yeah i am an INTERVIEW MACHINE. 2 interviews this week. 2 interviews NEXT week, in fact, on the very same DAY. that is a first. i have honestly never done that before. I guess I have not really paid my dues unless I have had two (OR MOAR!!!!!!!!!) interviews on the same day.

this guy i know who is very ambitious and powerful in his career had a THREE HOUR interview the other day. he took a half day at his Mid Level Career to do a three hour interview with an even higher level career. the type of guy that is looking for Corporate Sponsorship to do an MBA at a Top School, and to get into Global Stuff for Top World Companies. yes of course he’s younger than me and went to a less prestigious school than me hahahahahahaha. he just has a strong attitude and work ethic and is not a despairing virgin neet, but a strong healthy well adjusted White Man!

meanwhile my goal is just to get a 14 dah job at a place that doesnt drive me COMPLETELY MENTAL. i dont have those kind of long term goals! like i want to do this and that and that and this. no. i just want to SURVIVE in an entry level job that i dont ragequit, stay in it forever, and hopefully get promoted for muh good work, which i prob wont, because noone promotes anymore, you have to move to a diff company.

its like women will blame you for everything, make you the bad guy every time, so you have to be really good at saying NO YOURE WRONG, YOURE OVERREACTING, youre a BABY who cant communicate or listen or compromise or deal with things like an adult.

i admit that women are challenging and you have to learn how to deal with them, thats just the way it is, dont hate the player, hate the game hahaha.


and just seeing these ridiculuos women on TV for a reality show, i mean this is all spun by joos, this cant be REAL!!! and then seeing some of the same shit i saw in reality!!!! and said to my self geez i hope not all women are really like that!

like women are ALWAYS gonna blame you and get mad at you and if you really take their bullshit seriously, youll think you are the most terrible person ever! when you are not.

these “women” (“girls” really, this is why we call them girls, you dont get to be called a woman unless you are mature, like actually literally mature hahaha, and these 33 year old women act like foot stamping tantrum throwing 13 year old girls that were never put in line by their fathers.)

how do THEY make 40k, 50k a year? by bullshitting people, parroting bullshit, and never actually getting anything done. a woman solving a problem? let alone a complicated confusing problem? NO WAY.

heh women are like ingras and joos and babies all rolled up into one. god damn i h8 women hahahaha. i wish we didnt need them to reproduce. i wish we didnt get feelings for them. men are just much better PEOPLE.

but yeah. how can they WORK and be more SUCCESSFUL and make more MONEY than ME? they cant handle SHIT, let alone the Complicated Difficult Communication Conflict shit and People Problems in the work day.

their solution is to blame the other person and avoid them, those bad horrible people.

and this WORKS for them! they never have to change their shitty ways! they never have to grow up and learn to be adults!

i am very immature but i am way more mature than THIS!!!!!

its like the guy derek said, ok i left you alone to cool off but its clear you havent thought about this at all, because you’re giving me the SAME bullshit, can only repeat the same thing like a broken record, you are not willing to compromise or offer any solutions, you are just butthurt at me because i smoke 1 cigarette a day. COME ON. you gotta be a little flexible here, and not GIVE UP on me just because I smoke 1 cigarette a day. or 2. who CARES.

and if he said oh baby i will quit smoking for you, she would just disrespect him for being a doormat.

it was WEIRD because he was a handsome, charming man, I was surprised to see her being so bitchy to him, and he def was too. the gurl is a fookin basket case drama queen and no man is good enough for her, except for some long gone badboi from 10,12 years ago she never got over. enjoy your cats and growing old alone and childless and husbandless. and you dont even have a powerful career. damn. more likely shell just get knocked up by some arab or ingra who’s not afraid to use his pimp hand.  but she looks ok for 33 year old, very nice body.

but a sensible man who is not lonely or desperate will RUN NOT WALK when he QUICKLY sees how RDICULOUS she is! i am thinking handsome charming derek is tired of banging sluts and is getting desperate for a long term wife. well he got matched with a real dumpster fire here.

this “team of experts” are nothing more than conniving j’s looking to create drama.

but yeah i cant turn away from this stupid show.

because a big part of it is showing how Couples Handle Conflict. and so often they DONT, because the WOMAN is so immature, and overreacts and blames the man, the man wants to work on things, and the woman doesnt, is so stubborn, and never gives the man a fair chance.

no comments. even when nypost poses the huge question, is heather justified in being so upset over dereks smoking? NO OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!!

nick and sonia. i kinda like them. well, i like him. he is a lot like me, only way more handsome and successful. she is ok half the time and stupid the other half. she seems like she would be a good match for him…..but he’s moving too slow even for her! i guess shes not as much of a nice gurl as we thought. how many guys has she fooked after 1 date. and here she says she wants to do things differently and go slow. yet before the honeymoon is over, she’s butthurt at him for moving too slow! and they’ve known each other for like 5 days.

she wants to move slow, and 5 lousy days is still too slow for this slut hahahahaha.

and i probably like to move even slower than poor nicky boy. i mean i like to move WAYYYYY SLOOOWWWWW. I tried to point this out to women, and they were still surprised at how slow i moved, and still dumped me because of it. somewhat. that and they didnt want a real rel. just casual hangouts and casual secs.


and she thought that was the end of the world, and they end up getting divorced before the 6 weeks are up.

she got a dui in 2011. derek tries to show her how ridiculous she is by saying “thats like me saying you are an ‘alcoholic’ ” and that was a bad move, because even though we men understand what he’s getting at, women are gonna get bitchy and think he’s being immature by saying she’s literally an alcoholic, which is not what he’s saying. she’s not smart enough to understand his point, like this is how ridiculous you’re being.

but yeah the show is being dishonest joos by not telling us that he’s smokin MJ.

but it is honestly a stupid move for him to bring MJ in a plane to their honeymoon. or did he buy it there?

heh its funny how articles on vice have like 2 actual comments and 3 or 4 spam commenters. here is a big well known publication but no ones actually reading their shitty articles.

i was reading a review of the new forteresse album on vice noisey, they have this metalgrrrl kim kelly who IIRC, actually has decent taste in metal hahahaha.

this album which came out last month. her review was not very edifying but others have been saying this is a great album, totally great example of quebec black metal, they are quebec nationalists/separatists, there is some antiwhite vice phaggot in the comment saying they cant be separatists, white devils like them STOLE the land from the natives in the FIRST place, etc.

anyway i feel the LORD is guiding me to this album at this moment, on this day. the LORD guides me to weird albums and sometimes I just listen to them less than once and say NOPE this is not what I was hoping for. like that lyrinx album i listened to recently. totally underwhelming.

anyway i am making actual progress by having tons of interviews, 2 interviews in 1 day, getting less nervous during interviews, just racking them up like experience points, and one day i have to inevitably Level Up (get offer.)

seeing that super successful acquaintance of mine, i couldnt help but COMPARE myself to him and say god damn, im so far BEHIND him, he’s 4 years younger than me, i could have been just as successful as him if i hadn’t made those mistakes, now i can never get on this track, i dont have the drive and disclipline he does, he deserves a good woman, i dont, he is so much better than me, im jelly of him, hes such a winner and im such a loser, etc.

when in fact i HAVE been making SOME progress lately and I REALLY dont want to compare myself like that.

hes a good guy though, its just really disappointing hes a SWPL oven middle class progressive leftist bla bla. fookin atlantic reading, new york times reading, npr listening, bernie loving, you name it. yet he has a high-paying Corporate Career. But he is somewhat in the Creative end of that, rather than Financial or Engineering.

wow this forteresse sounds pretty good actually. but i am just listening to it on One Earbud while trying to do Job Applications hahahaha.

this time i got the earbuds that are kinda like earplugs, with the rubber tips that go deeper into your ears. kinda like them. ok 3 applications today. i can do better than that hahahah. gotta pay the dues. put in the reps hahaha.

are quebecois separatists also likely to be pro white?  how much is damn canada oppressing the quebec people hahahaha. well i dunno. maybe its like texas people wanting to secede. i can understand that. when your country has turned into ZOG that wants you and your family dead hahahaha. does forteresse know about ZOG hahahahaha.

or are they huge pussies that say HURRR DURRR WERE NOT EBIL RACISS, we luv mudslims and blacks and joos hahahaha.

their first album, the drums kinda sound like a drum machine. i do not really like that although the guitar sounds good. on the new album they def have a real drummer.

FOOK drum machines. just hire a god damn session drum, pay him some MJ and alcohol, or play the drums yourself. period. mikko aspa can do it, alex meilenwald can do it. IMHO better to have amateurish sounding drums than a damn MACHINE. did the classic BURZUM albums have a drum machine? HELL NO!!!!!

so the forteresse drummer is fiel and is in a ton of other bands including his own solo project.

just let the drummer know he is not a real part of the band and you will pay him to play the way you want him to play, ie, in service of the damn SONG, not like some flashy show stealer who is louder and flashier than everybody else. let him do that in his own band. thats why they call them session musicians hahahaha. they are your EMPLOYEE, but in a very friendly and laid back way. just play the way i tell you to play and i’ll give you MJ and booze and food and maybe some cash. and maybe your band and my band can play shows sometime. and by the way can you be a live drummer for my band too hahahaha. ill pay you for that too.

3.8 mile powerwalk, then shower, made some cigarets, in 10 minutes go to social event, maybe see 1 qt gurl worth beating the meat to hahahaha

1 think 500 will be a more accurate goal than 400 in terms of needing 500 applications to get a job. like 1 out of 23 applications gets an interview, and 1 out of 23 interviews get a job.

and i am only at 14 interviews so far. yeah it is good to get experience in interviewing itself. you DO get better. but yes it IS ridiculous that you need to do 23 interviews to get a job! they never had to do that in 1990! even my successful acquaintance didnt have to do that to get his first job after college! in fact he got that job with relatively little effort and described it as pretty easy and quick.

aug 18

rejected for office assistant II position about 7 weeks after applying, no interview of course, but the rejection letter was sent by an INTERN hahahaha. ie a 20 year old university slut. an intern in the city human resources dept. well to her credit the letter was written decently, and she is prob only making 10 bucks an hour. but yeah it sucks not even being called for an interview for a 28k job hahahaha.

woohoo, it is ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me sending The Final Email to That Woman.

well, yesterday technically. aug 17 2015 i sent the final email. yesterday was aug 17 2016 hahahaha.

somehow the calendar says 367 days today, but i think because 2016 was a leap year and had extra day in feb haha.

401 days since i last talked to her on july 14 2016. i like 400 days as a more round number than 365 days hehehe.

but yeah it doesnt SEEM like that long. i am getting OVER her, but it seems like i just saw her and talked to her a few MONTHS ago. the time really flew by i guess hahahaha. but not in a great way. still fookloads of pain. but the worst has passed.

over 9 months since i have looked at jooish porn filth. not bad uh!

well, technically i saw a few images a couple times, but i turned it off fairly quickly. one time was for research purposes, to determine whether the girl in this one vidya was evalion. (dont think it was.) another time, i stumbled onto some slut on tumblr. i think because she looked sorta like That Woman. i was actually trying to prove it wasnt LITERALLY that woman!  i thought it might actually BE her! not that that woman was at all the type to slut it up on tumblr, or in real life. she was very discreet about her slut life hahahahaha.

41 days since level 1 haircut and i am thinking about getting another hahahaha.

heh. the fact is, going into interviews is not nearly as stressful as every single god damn day on the actual job. under pressure to produce and fix things as fast as possible and you have no idea what is going on, while trying to bullshit to everyone around you that you DO know what you are doing. and your head is spinning and confused ALL DAY. at work, and when you come home. you NEED drugs to numb or stop your mind. you wake up in the middle of the night mind spinning and racing and confused. this sense of confusion all day every day really wears you down, and then trying to be ON and put up a False Front at Work. you become mentally and emotionally weak and confused. your wife loses all respect for you because you are acting like a scared baby animal. she leaves you and says fook you you weak little phaggot, you dont deserve a woman as good as me. i’ll go find a real man like tyrone biggums hahahaha. who isnt INSECURE and doesnt have all these ISSUES and isnt so CRAY CRAY. you say baby im just really stressed out about muh job, and she says so is everybody else. DEAL WITH IT or i will find a man who can.

and you think DAMN i must have been a HORRIBLE person to deserve this punishment. i bet JAIL would be better. at least there they are more honest and straightforward about raping you in the ass.

its not just dislike, but fear and terror and dread and anxiety. disliking is nothing. that sense of dread and fear is really what kills you. like a cornered baby animal without its family. lambs to the slaughter.

i can deal with simple dislike. that’s no problem at all compared to that fear and anxiety and dread and panic. again, like the end of mulholland drive, where she is sitting there, knowing something horrible is gonna happen soon, but not sure exactly what or when, then something unexpected and weird happens, she flips the fook out, cant stop screaming hysterically, and the automatic reflexive response is to frantically scramble to the nearest gun and K yourself!!!!!!

that kind of shit is what i REALLY dont like hahahaha. not just oh muh job sucks damn lmao.

its kinda like Chronic Panic. and then you cant think right at all.

and i fear EVERY real bigboy 28k job is gonna be like that. or at least every job for an actual COMPANY. like real companies that are struggling to either not go broke, or to GROW, and they PUSH everybody to their fookin limits of sanity hahahaha. and the managers have no idea whats going on, just that they need to PUSH everybody HARDER. MORE. BETTER. FASTER. BETTER. GROWTH. SCALE.

and when you get home, you dont just want MJ, you want a potent cocktail of MJ, booze, benzos, and opiates to just OBLITERATE yourself into a total zombie STUPOR. that is the only way you could really relax and unwind and decompress.

well the first 3 to 6 months of ANY job are gonna be like that as you learn the job!

i dunno. like with the college police IT job, i did not get that impression at all.

or even the nursing home payroll job.

now, at my last awful job, the company was struggling, they are still struggling, and its no surprise they closed our entire department. i predicted it while i was still there. CALLED IT like a year before it actually happened.

i should be studying for the interview tomorrow by Knowing their company inside and out!

it is a big multinational corporation hahaha. something everybody has heard of.

ok prepared muh study sheetz. interviewing with 3 men tomorrow. i hate these goddamn panels. but i have handled 5 person panels. normally there are 2 people.

this job has potential to get confusing, as a TECHNICIAN for an electronic devices company. shit yeah they could get technical. and they probably have senior technicians who get to know the shit better after 2, 3, years.

yeah this company does not look like good long term place. the health insurance is supposedly good, but it is run by tyrannical asshole azns who are totally out of touch with USA. the county job i am interviewing on monday, i am much more interested in the long term.

however, i am not in the habit of turning down job offers hahahaha. well, just the one, a post office CCA. i am thinking this electronics  job pays about the same, has good health care start right away. but anyway the company culture is supposedly very asian. and not in the good japanese way hahahaha. but in a less honorabru way. like they are clearly not attracting Top US Talent to make them seem like a really US-friendly country. weird stilted english language on their web site. their best people get out and go to better companies. the top management is a revolving door of asians. who bully their underlings and really dont have a good business sense or long term vision hehehe.

hooo boy. i always fear that its the Bad Jobs that will make me an offer.

one of the 3 guys tomorrow is one of the native asians that they send out to run facilities in foreign countries like the US hehehe.

well, tell them I am waiting to hear back from macomb county and that if offered that job, I would take it.

how good of engrish does the asian manager speak. prob not good. glassdoor stories of asian execs chattering and none of the gringo underlings know what they are saying.

well if im not super enthusiastic, they wont hire me anyway hahahahaha.

well this one guy i used to work with, and i really liked him, he was great. he was a new guy who got placed right next to me. naturally he had lots of questions because the training is horrible and everyone is confused all the time. I wanted to change that Culture, so I was happy to help him, and anybody I could. But he was also very SHARP, he was not a dumber person like some of the people there. he was masculine and handsome and charming and had great People Skills, and he handled phone calls like a BOSS even though he’d never had a job like that before. I instantly liked him and we got along well. within 2 or 3 months he had gotten a job with the company I am interviewing for tomorrow. he made it sound really awesome. I was sad when he left.

9 months later or so I saw him in the grocery store, he said send me a resume and I can make sure you get an interview, things are going good there. I got cold feet and never emailed him. but when I started putting effort into muh job search, I applied at his company regularly. so anyway I will mention his name tomorrow.

stories that the asian asshole bosses force you to DRINK when they go do asian karaoke after a 16 hour shift and like all high pressure asian businessmen, they get falling down drunk on saki or rice liquor. drink 20 drinks in 60 minutes until they vomit and pass out on the sidewalk hahahahaha. pass out in their car with vomit all over the interior of the car hahahaha.  these guys are the top managers of your department. they are your managers manager. your manager never gets promoted because he’s not asian, but he starts acting more asian because he takes shit from asians all day hahahaha. meaning, you btich and bully and belittle. all stick and no carrot hahahaha.

everyone is like khan from king of the hill but worse hahahaha.

well i guess i would rather work here than that post office job. try to survive a year. try to find MJ hookup if there are any Blacks there hahaha. make friends with shy lonely white people. but youre not supposed to befriend the outcasts, because then you become an outcast yourself right?

so become friends with the cool kids, pretend you are a cool kid. befriend the asians. do gangam style dance moves with them hahahahahahahahaha and bring them bottles of saki.

im not one of those pathetic whites who has some hardon for asians. fook asians hahahaha. they’re not cute o kawaii, they’re not interesting, they are ratty little yellow rat people hahahaha.  definition of crabs in a bucket. yeah but anime and samurais are kewl.

ok we can agree that the japanese are the best asians……..but these are not japanese, and i STILL dont have a HARDON for japan. NOT an otaku weeaboo. fook that. even the BEST of the asians do not interest me, beyond I have some desire to watch kurosawa or ozu films, i like some jap horror movies, and i liked mario and zelda games. thats IT.

i mean these particular asians are just a tiny step up from the CHINESE in my book hehehehe. i guess i have already doxxed myself hahahaha. now the asian crab people can fire me. good riddance hahahaha.

i mean i COULD just be unenthusiastic. say that I enjoy a democratic, non-hierarchical workplace where the local facility gets a lot of authority in the eyes of world HQ. or i could just turn down the job offer if i get it hahahaha. i mean i will probably stop applying here at any rate. be like i gotta take days off to interview at better places hahaha.

i mean how the hell do you keep taking half days off to go to interviews? what do you say? im going to a doctors appointment?

i mean my old workmate was looking to get out of our old work ASAP. he looks like he is happy to stay with this asian company. if its good enough for him its good enough for me.

he was in the military though. deals with pressure and people under pressure better than i do. what if he is a total degenerate though. who knows. shit. he was nicer to me than That Woman was at the end! He was a positive thing in my negative day of work! she was just another negative thing in the shit sandwich!

didnt realize you could just listen to the police scanner on a web site. listening to police scanner of nearby city that used to be white suburb but is gradually shifting towards nonwhite crime and lots of white trash and drugs too. so you listen to the police scanners to really put your finger on the pulse hahahaha. supposedly. but it doesnt make much sense. i cant understand a word they are saying. how can THEY understand each other? and these are white cops!

yeah ok i studied a decent amount of the bullshit which this particular division of the company does. car related electronics lets say. the asian manager can bust my balls and i can tell him i wipe my ass with zipperheads faces hahahaha. they wish they could be samurais like the nips but instead theyre little needle dicked alcoholics who beat their wives and children and lust over white women that choose deadbeats and ingras over them no matter how much money they make as businessmen. white men LUV asian women (i dont at all), but white women HATE asian men hahahaha. well thats good, i wish they hated black and arab men as much. fookin race traitors hahahaha.





had a terrible headache last night and that just makes you desperate. so i broke my 4 day streak of not “self soothing” because i actually thought it might help with my headache. i was not horny at all, rarely am, but i was desperate for anything. rubbing muh head, face grimacing in pain, already took max dose of tylenol, didnt really help, couldnt take anything else cuz acetiminophen damn. to make matters worse the headache seemed to make me think a swarm of negative thoughts regarding that person, etc.

anyway thankfully i got to sleep and the headache went away.

i tried to see things from her point of view. why couldnt she do the same for me. i just thought she cared about me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. to trust that i wasnt betraying her. to realize, wait a minute, hes not trying to hurt me, maybe this is a big understanding and we should address a misunderstanding in the only way you can. its not like hes been pretending everything is ok. hes been acting weird for months. i wonder whats the deal with that hahahaha.

hes acting weird and always bugging me about hanging out every couple weeks and sending me texts every day like he likes me , he never used to do this before, its like something changed, whats the deal with that, idk ikr lol.

anyway i dont want another headache like that. it was so bad. you cant do anything but lay there in agony feeling like your skull is being split open with an ax. writhing in pain, rubbing your head, begging for mercy, and you certainly cant think straight!!!!!!

was it because i drank too much coffee? stared at a screen for too long? had too low net calories?

louis cuCK says “you dont get to tell someone that you didnt really hurt them, that its all in their head. if they feel they were hurt by you, their feelings are valid.” which is a good point from that weak pathetic degenerate man, but…..what if they are way off? what if it is a YUUUGE misunderstanding? and they dont want to talk to you at ALL to figure out that misunderstanding?

i can see if it were something blatant like CHEATING. where you do something that you KNOW is BAD, and you HIDE it, until one day youre found out, but you couldnt stop because you were too cowardly and weak and muh dik. OBVIOUSLY thats hurting somebody and theres not a lot of room for misunderstanding there.

you cant say, oh you MISUNDERSTOOD, when i fooked that other bitch i wasnt ACTUALLY “CHEATING” on you.

but you can say, you misunderstood, when i was acting all weird and different, i wasnt actually BETRAYING you, i just had feelings I wanted to express to you and a serious talk i wanted to have. people change.

i was mocking this shitty univ of phoenix commercial where this hard working black man with a young son went to work at his working class job during the day, then slowly got his Degree at Night Online, and graduated to the type of job where he now wears a Tie, instead of a Cintas Uniform. the little black boy watches his father putting on the tie and mimics the motions himself. puuuuuukkkkkeeee. then we see the man in a classroom, raising his hand and looking all thoughtful. very triggering commercial for me hahahaha.

i said, yeah guess what little boy, you are still black slaves, only now your father has to take out a 50k loan and go to skool for like 6 years to prove himself worthy of a new kind of slavery.

“learning” stupid shit you dont need college for and he could easily learn from his Warehouse job or whatever.

raising his hand in class: “I’d like to raise a discussion point, Doctor Business Professor. Perhaps we could increase profitability and cut costs by cutting all our full time workers, and making those positions into $10 an hour seasonal or part time jobs. We could also save millions of dollars a year by not training them. there’s no shortage of people willing to work for 10DAH. also we can switch to a shitter health plan for the 10% of our employees who actually are eligible for the health plan, and make them pay more in premiums (whatever it is they take out of your paycheck.) we fire the 10 DAH part time people who dont learn fast enough and keep the ones who do for as long as possible. get rid of as many full time people as possible. get as many h1b visa people as possible. outsource the lowest jobs to thrid party vendors, MBS or whatever, people making 8 DAH to answer phones and give awful service. make shit as confusing as possible with the fine print so you can really hook customers with GOTCHA type bullshit. make shit leaner. more agile. hahahaha. give customers the runaround and laugh all the way to the bank. ”

and then write 100 page paper stating all the above in stupid business speak hahaha.

well if thats what you gotta do to get a 20 DAHJ where you go to meetings and dont have a constantly ringing phone, its worth it, right?

also i really K’d myself trying to learn that stupid job. i would come home and study and worry for hours off the clock. she never studied. she just smoked MJ and said go with the flow. fook that shit. she didnt know how anything worked. yet management and everybody luved her because she is a purty gurl!!!!! then she got mad at ME because i was stressed about the job and she wasnt! that makes me a bad guy somehow. oh well he wasnt the person i thought he was. story of my life. you cant trust these betraying men! theyre never the people you think they are!

yet i was trying to talk to her, and she was trying to avoid me. i might have been scared to confess an Inconvenient Truth, but I was NOT trying to Actively Avoid it, like she was!!!!!!!!!

no one would deny that communication is one of the most important things in any rel. i desperately wanted TO communicate, she desperately wanted NOT to commnicate. thus the rel was DOOMED. no doubt about it. it was not meant to be. the LORD is telling me, she is not the one for me.  find a woman who DOES want to communicate with you. period.

whats the deal when someone always thinks people are betraying them when they’re not? you say that person is PARANOID and they have TRUST ISSUES. they dont trust people they should trust. its SAD really.

its just frustrating because she USED to trust me, i saw her trust other people, and TRY with other people. i thought our rel was meaningful enough for her to TRY. i didnt think she would ever want to end the rel this way. you dont be friends with someone for 3 years and not MEAN anything to them!!!!!!

yeah i should have blatantly said WE NEED TO TALK, I AM BOTHERED BY SOMETHING. Yeah i learned out of all this that i need to get better about saying that.

REGARDLESS, me being bad at saying that DIDNT give her the right to hurt me like that, and also does not justify her AVOIDING me for 10 months.

she COULD have said YES to one of the times i asked her; or she COULD have said oh i cant this saturday, but what about sunday or next saturday would be fine. or we could watch tv show on wednesday night 🙂  that kind of shit.

if they really want to hang out with you and arent just blowing you off forever, they will suggest alternatives.

although they do really like it when men are decisive. and i would be. i would say hay how bout i take you to dinner on saturday, i’ll buy. and she would hem and haw. at that point i was being direct and decisive and if she wanted to go, she would say YAAAAASSSSSS or suggest an alternative at that point: oh sorry im going to dinner with my family  that day but we could go sunday or friday or hang out after dinner. rather than oh i cant i have plans, maybe some other time, then me saying okkkkkkkk like a beta and waiting 2 weeks to ask again because to ask once a week is too pushy. then getting the same damn answer in 2 weeks. repeat pattern for 10 months. COME ON.

yeah i should have read THOSE signals but still. jsut write me a damn letter baby.

did 8 miler hehehe.

anyway i hate when people i used to be close to, have the wrong idea about me, and HATE me for the wrong reason, and wrongly think i betrayed them, and they wont let me try to explain things, cuz they think what i did was SO wrong, so they go ballistic on me. not that this happens very often hahaha. but when it does it kills me. i cant talk to them cuz they dont want to talk to me. because what i did was that bad.

well theres some cheaters and abusers who are honestly in denial so bad, they dont even realize they are doing horrible things. they think what theyre doing isnt so bad, when its in fact horrific. is that what im doing? i dont think so.

so its her problem. her  problem for being PARANOID and STUBBORN and completely closed and unwilling. can lead the horse to water but this horse refuses to DRINK.  but you always think, did i REALLY do EVERYTHING i COULD? but she BLOCKED me tho. that is a clear message: stop contacting me, because i wont read it. i dont want to hear anything you have to say.

and i dont like being HATED for the WRONG REASONS and they REFUSE to listen to me, and it was a VERY IMPORTANT rel to me, and it was to them at one point too. it didnt USED to always be so one sided. yet now shes like, that piece of shit, i never really knew him, glad to get that piece of shit out of my life!

so then i go to the fatclub. i see tons of young women where i say, if she were MY daughter, id never let her out of the house looking like that! like this 20 year old girl in perfect shape wearing the tiniest shorts i have ever seen! its smaller than underwear or a tiny bathing suit. NOBODY should dress like that IN PUBLIC!!!!!! i dont care if their body looks good enough to flaunt it! have some respect!

then i thought, i blame their fathers. i wouldnt let MY daughter out of the house looking like that! and every gurl looks like that!

so why are their parents divorced? because their father is a legit deadbeat? or because their mother is an Unreasonable Psycho who kicked a Good Man out of their childrens life? did a good man wrong? was very unfair to a good decent man? did you REALLY have to dump that man?

i think well 66% of divorces are initiated by women, fine, but how many of those are for legit reasons, and how many are the unholy FRIVOLOUS DIVORCE or “frivorce” as dalrock calls them. the idk lol eat pray luv midlife crisis divorce cuz the hamster is not haaaaaaapppppyyyy and they are not willing to work on it.

that paints a HORRIBLE picture of women; most women arent like that, ARE THEY? maybe these fatherless gurls exposing their bodies in public, maybe their fathers were just deadbeats who DESERVED to be kicked to the curb!

or was their mother just a YUGE bitch?!?!?!?! unfairly depriving their children of the father they NEED?

honestly its not that hard to dress respectfully at the Gym. they could wear the same thing as I do and that would be fine: a large baggy t shirt and largish Gym shorts that go down to the knee. oh but then you look like a Dyke. so what. i do see some young attractive women dressed in more modest gym clothes thank god.

basically just wear something thats not tiny or skin tight. how fookin hard is that? you cant have Body Dismorphia basically showing your naked body to strangers. its so weird and wrong. triggering. does not make for a relaxing experience. so i turn up muh nationalist fascist rock and go harder.

then i see a handsome young man near me going 9.3 mph. i was like SHIT he doesnt even LOOK like hes going that fast. of course hes way taller but still. so now im like fook i gotta try 9.3 for a minute. i did 9.0 earlier and i thought THAT was ridiculous.  cuz i was getting annoyed by the albanian or arab young man near me going so fast he was stomping and pounding loudly on the treadmill because he had to be going at least 9 mph. so then i say, welp im just as manly as them, i can do 9 or 9.3 mph too, also gotta distract myself from the 20 year old girl in front of me with her tight pants painted on her ass.

hahahaha. triggers everywhere.

and then weird or annoying men getting RIGHT NEXT to me when there are plenty of treadmills open.

and then god forbid they start talking on their phone. people will have a damn 30 minute conversation on their phone on the treadmill. its even more annoying if they are a nonwhite speaking in arabic or albanian. though the other day i heard a white woman speaking polish or russian and that was annoying too. its just common courtesy of having a long phone conversation in a very public place. i would never do it.

or going in the locker room and older men just standing around naked. i know i already complained about this. but at least make an effort to put some damn underwear on. be moving to do that. otherwise you seem like a fooking barely closeted pervert who likes other men seeing him naked. go to a damn gay bathhouse already. they prob do.

back to the young girls wearing inapprop clothing. they probably have been doing this for years.i mean in the 80s there were 20 year old girls in the gym waering spandex and men staring at their asses. its got to be a combination of: youthful vanity, no father (for whatever reason), just not knowing any better, going along wth the crowd, women are herd sheeple types, and also marketing. ie, when they go to buy gym clothes, most of the gym clothes are tight indecent clothes. you have to really dig to find the modest stuff. but its not FASHIONABLE. its more FASHIONABLE or POPULAR to look like a whore hahahaha. but it really is.

and also moving the Window of Public Perception, so that this is not looking like a whore, this is NORMAL. its NORMAL for women to be dressed like this. well then its just as normal for men to stare and ogle. and then i remember that is impolite and i control myself and stop staring. and then shake my damn head that these gurls dont have fathers who teach them not to dress like that.

we dont have to be like MUDSLIMS covering women head to toe! i really dont like that view of women, even though women are somewhat of a PANDORAS BOX who need to be kept in line. so keep them in line by making your daughter wear baggy non revealing clothing!!!!

keep your daughter at home until she finds a decent man to marry! and of course get involved with those decisions. if shes interested in a badboy deadbeat, say FOOK NO. NOT ON MY WATCH!

but when you put the hammer down like that, dont the children rebel? run away and become whores anyway? well you tried. thats on the kid then hahaha.

like my family tried so hard, but i was just troubled, defective hahaha. theres nothing they could do to fix me.  hahahaha. but yeah it still feelsbadman to be a defective person hahahaha.




my ind is always racing about worries, all day. jobs, then it switches to the woman. THAT PERSON. back to not being able to enjoy MUSIC any more. thats a telltale sign. a dead giveaway. i used to listen to music for hours a day. now i am THANKFUL if i can listen to 10-20 minutes a day of music and really ENJOY it. its like I SHOULDNT listen to music with all these pressing issues i need to figure out.

but you see? i worry and worry and think and ruminate and racing thoughts about them, but i never actually figure them out or resolve them! i might as well use the music to force the worries out of my mind, cuz the worries being in my mind all day do nothing to make those issues better!!!!!

i would be REALLY happy if i could force myself to go to planet fatness and sign up today. i just want to walk on the treadmill during the dark and cold winter for a few hours sometimes!!!! to not get super fat, and to burn off some calories and maybe some Worries.

and it would also be good if i could Get Over my fear of going to a public Gymlike place. shit. this is planet FATNESS where the average person is going to be fatter than me, this is not a GYM.

there are TONNES of fat people who just want to walk on the treadmill! i would not be some freak!

that is another protip of life. physically speaking, just try to BLEND IN, if you do not have the Super High COnfidence to present yourself to the world as a Freak in some way, be it thru your ridiculous fashion style, or whatever. and certainly you do not have super high confidence if youre reading this! think of the stereotypical Fat Gothic Loser. these arent so prevalent now…… well ok how about a Fedora Neckbeard Trench Coat type guy who just LOOKS like a virgin loser.

when i was young, i made myself look like a freak with long hair and a messy beard. because i liked long hair and beards. there is nothing inherently wrong with that, long hair and beards are pretty cool, but i did not have the confidence to pull it off. it only took my whole Youth to figure out i look better with a short beard as opposed to a long beard. as for the long hair, i havent had long hair in 11 years, and i would kinda like to grow long or even medium length hair, but now i am Balding, so, I have to accept and live with that.

for example recently i was trying to grow a long pointy goatee, but since muh beard grows sideways and asymmetrically….. i basically can never grow a long beard and have it look like anything but garbage. i can have a shorter beard and it looks ok. lesson: always keep beard trimmed short. but i wanted a LONG beard!!! cant do it, without looking weird, and i dont have the confidence to look WEIRD.

this was a weird mixture, esp when i was young. i was STUBBORN in insising that long hair and beard looked cool, but looking like that also decreased my confidence, made me more self conscious, all combined made me weak socially, esp with women. in fact when i cut my hair at age 21 i had a surge of confidence and shortly after made my first Real Gains with women.  didnt last long but still! it was something.

so now i was trying to have a goatee, and its so hard to trime the chin area. i FINALLY have a decent Moustache area for once in my life, but the whole right side of my face, the entire beard grows SIDEWAYS and i cant change that, thats natural born. lots of men get this, its not uncommon. honestly the best you can do is a short beard.

also i am gradually balding, but i am not so bald that i can get away with doing a Razor Chrome Dome. the shortest i can go is a level 1 Buzzer. even that is pushing the limit. level 2 would be less extreme. and my whole point is, sometimes the healthiest thing for us is to NOT go extreme, but just BLEND in with the normies and degens. basically dont draw NEGATIVE ATTENTION to yourself, you already give YOURSELF enough negative attention with all your low confidence and negative thoughts about yourself!!!!!

super low functioning. i was higher functioning when i had my job, but then i went nutters. god damn. and even then i wasnt high functioning enough to be attractive to women.

who cares if youre attractive to women?

i say you cant help it. its wired into you. all or most men WANT to be attractive to women. we WANT to reproduce. be GLAD that you still care about women in this way. it means you still have some sort of spark deep down.

plus it means youre not a sociopath, and you still care about getting consent for sex hahahahahahaha.

by that i mean you are still attracted to women, of course, but you are still nonviolent, humane, and nice enough to not want to raep them hahahahaha ie you only want sex with them if they want secs with YOU. well, i mean, of course you WANT secs with plenty of women who dont want secs with you, but you KNOW BETTER that to take them by FORCE! but you wish more women wanted secs with you. you wish you could make yourself more attractive to them.

you have exactly 5 minutes to give me a damn good explanation of how what where and why writing stuff



started happening. I think it started on 4chan or some chan like most memes do. that should be enough EXPLANATION WHY, yes? NO, i want to speak to your manager if you dont give me a better explanation. cant do that tho. uhhhh managers not available.

so think fast. ok gonna have to go to google. but how do you google that exactly?

“writing things in a right angle like on 4chan”?

couldnt find shit. i first saw it on /pol but who knows if thats where it started. i cant give you a good origin story. i ended up reading unrelated articles such as the playlists of henry rollins radio show. i used to like rollins but now he’s gotten too old and tame and lame and leftist, however he has compelling musical tastes, and should probably spend more time talking about music than political stuff hahahaha.

ok trying to pump myself up to go to planet fatness and sign up. maybe i should take a valium. if the employee gets flustered because they havent been trained, i will say, thats ok, thats not your fault, i know that feel, take your time, etc.

did a 5 miler

ok i did go to planet fatness and signed up. they asked for a checking account to deduct my monthly 10 dollar payment from i said err i dont have one, can i use credit card, he said nope gotta have a checking account, i said allright no problem, i’ll bring the info in later, he said no problem, just do that and gave me a tshirt and a membership card. it took less than 5 minutes. the place was not packed on a saturday afternoon at about 130 pm. not packed.  i should have asked him if i could use a savings account. he would have probably said no because that would be a tricky question because its not clearly documented by the Documentation and FAQs for his 9DAH PT job and i didnt want to get him in trouble by bringing a Manager into it.

heh i am of the age where i should be a Manager at whatever shoddy place, like Fast Food or Retail or a cheap pseudo gym hahaha. but i am still competing with the 20 year olds for entry level 1 jobs because i am a huge loser at life hahahaha.

so i came home and went for a 5 miler and then logged into The Member Portal and changed my Billing Info from Nothing, to my savings account, and it appeared to take it. so hopefully they dont give me sheeeet when i go back there. i am thinking about going back there now! when i looked in there, the treadmills were not super duper occupied.

i worried about That Person. That Woman. and fairness vs unfairness. it IS unfair when a beta male passes himself off as a NiceGuy in order to have Secs with a Gurl in exchange for Nice Points. or otherwise pretend to be Just Friends when really he wants to pound dat pvssy. so the gurl rightfully gets mad at the guy for MISREPRESENTING himself, being a coward, being deceptive, being a liar, being a trickster, bait and switch, scammer, sleazebag, weasel. so in that case it is justified for the woman to get angry and perhaps even to throw the guy away like garbage

(see the Mill Woes vidya linked last post, this is what he gets into, the video was not about what i thought it was going to be about, it was about kinda what im talking about now: beta niceguys who misrepresent themselves, and men who agree to have secs with gurls who are cheating on their boifrans. so it wasnt as great of a vidya as i thought it would be, and kinda even seemed like MW was “WHITE KNIGHTING”, if i didnt know him better hahahahaha)

anway the beta in question feels he cant compete with all the competition out there, for women, so he wishes there were much much fewer men in existence, so he didnt have as much competition, and therefore could finally get women. he also didnt have a problem being the guy who women cheat with, on their boifrands. MW said the cheated-with has some responsibility, as does the actual Cheater. I would agree, BUT i’d say the Cheated-With only has 10% of the blame there. because yes the cheater will just find ANOTHER man to cheat with. and if you are DESPERATE for secs, you will TAKE the offer, if the woman is even slightly bangable.

now you would never want to DATE that woman, cuz she is a damn dirty cheater. and after banging her a couple times, you might find that you feel guilty enough about the poor sap being cheated on, and not so desperate any more, that you dump the B and be like i will not be a party to this treachery, i’m not that desperate for pvssy any more that i will take a dirty cheating whore and make a cuck out of that poor guy!

just to address the points MW made.

anyway MW also talks about those kinds of niceguys who misrepresent themsleeves, then the woman gets mad.

I DIDNT MISREPRESENT MYSELF!!! to That Person. but maybe she THOUGHT i was, so thats why she reacted like this.

but…….then why didnt she get mad and throw me away EARLIER then? they way it happened, it was a BOILING type thing. sort of slow boiling.

who knows. i’ll never get answers because we will never talk about it.

anyway i agree that misrespresenting yourself is tricky and shitty and you should be punished for it by being brutally rejected. so when i was brutally rejected, i figured, well i must have been misrepresenting myself.

but i wasnt really.

  1. my feelings changed, and i wanted to hang out with her and talk abotu the change, with a damn conversation. communication, and once every two weeks asked if she wanted to hang out
  2. but right away i CHANGED my behavior and signals to her, texting her more than before, being more emotional and lovey dovey and stupid than before, acting like I liked her basically!
  3. then she NOTICED that change
  4. and in response started distancing

however without my acting differently, then it looks like i was MISREPRESENTIN.

but i was acting TOTALLY DIFFERENT! I was acting like i LIKED her! not like i was TRYING TO HIDE something!

hmm looks like planet fatness makes it REALLY DIFFICULT to cancel a membership and can manage to scam HUNDREDS of dollars out of you even after you THOUGHT you cancelled hahahaha.

this is a great site, i enjoyed reading the negative reviews of my former employer and how they scam customers too. i dont think customers should be scammed!!!

how do you deal with an angry customer who feels they have been scammed?

and from what they say, it really looks like they’ve been scammed?

do you just say, you signed the contract lololololololol dont let the door hit you on the way out, we got your money sucker!!!

i was TRYING to show THAT PERSON that my feelings had changed, and i think she DID notice, thats why she TURNED AWAY. i wasnt trying to TRICK or SCAM her. In fact, signals werent ENOUGH for me, i wanted to say the words to her mudshark face, I LIKE YOU thats why i’m acting like i like you. and the fact that she never wanted to give me the time to do that made me get more and more tense and worked up. if i were trying to SCAM her with a LONG CON, i would probably be more chill about biding my time, no?

no i was like I GOTTA TALK TO YOU NOW OR ELSE I AM GONNA BREAK DOWN!!!!!!! and i did! and then i finally told her everything via email. i think she read that email at least.

but yeah i am going through a cycle of i want to contact her again. well, thank god i dont feel that EVERY DAY anymore, but in the not too distant past, i certainly did feel it every day! and now couple days go by, i dont wanna, which is good, but then i want to again, which is bad. contact her that is.

its like a …..

pain time get over it

i just drew that in paint. i think the squiggles should be even taller than they are here. notice the squiggles vs the more staright gray line which would represent more of a general trend over the long term, but god damn its up and down violently day by day, hence the violent squiggles. and they should be even more violent than pictured here, but i cant draw fookin good in pain in 2 seconds. take it or leave it.

shit i dont RESPECT women who have sex with men too fast! but all women do!

then when i was friends with her for months and years without having S, i figured she was slow with ALL guys, so that was prob part of why i respected her! but fact is, if she meets a guy she thinkgs is SEXY, she probably has sex with him within a WEEK of meeting him! even though she’s only had SEX with like 2 or 3 guys so far….i would not be surprised if that number rapidly increases from here on out…..

see i didnt WANT to have SEX with her right when i first met her.

but what DID i think? i know guys Evaluate women sexually first thing.

well, i said, she is a pretty girl, i wouldnt mind having SEX with her, it would prob be fun, but i have no desire in TRYING, i am still getting over this other girl, in fact, i first met That Person RIGHT after getting Rejected by the previous woman. so i accepted That Person as being technically attractive and bangable, but i just didnt care about it. i was still kinda heartbroken over the previous woman, the only person i really wanted to have S with.

and then i began getting along with That Person very natrually.

we gradually became friendly.

then i learned she had a long term boifran.

i still thought she was good looking but i didnt really care, it didnt bother me, cuz i was still getting over the other woman; plus it felt WEIRD to think of my friend that way, even if they were a decent looking woman; AND i had NO desire to interfere with her rel. i guess i put myself in the friendzone at this point and i was JUST FINE with it. didnt lose any sleep, wasnt chomping at the bit to tell her my secret, wasnt texting her with lovey shit.

so it did make a big difference when she ended that rel and Became Single. by that time i was pretty well over the previous woman and now was a good chance to really Examine Why Would This Be Weird. the fact that she was no longer in the rel made it ultimately seem much less weird. and that did it i guess.

learning about her New Boifran was a CATALYST, but it was NOT the Root Cause. the Root Cause was her breaking up with her old long term boifran.

it still took a few months for me to get through the “weird” phase but I sure did.

i wasnt misrepresenting myself, i was trying to represent myself through the signals and the texts and to show her id changed.

and she probably noticed, because then SHE changed herself!

so she can’t say i misrepresented!!!!! so therefore she had no right to be as mad at me.

unless she was just upset i had feelings for her at ALL, misrepresented or not.  that was probably what happened.

good comment on the MW vidya:

Finarfin 1 day ago
+clangerbasher I think it’s no surprise or coincidence that the Millennials aren’t having children. Further to that, it’s a kind of relief they aren’t, as damaging to our race as that may be. I don’t think they have it in them (the males) to look after children, especially infants. I can tell. They’re too self-absorbed (too selfish tbh), lack toughness (that translates as nurture to children and the weak – you have to be tough, with yourself, to be empathetic), aren’t even aware of what’s required – which is as well, because they would run even further if they did.

I can tell because I see it in my own son (aged 28 and thankfully childless), my friends’ sons, my nephews, etc. They can’t really look after themselves fully, let alone kids. My heart would be in my mouth at the thought of babies with these young men.

Sorry boys, you’re all well fucked up now. Even your ability as fathers has been erased. It’s all very tragic. You’ll get to aged 40 and beyond and be so cold and alone.

I accept that a hatchet job has been done on you and on any resolve you might have once had to fight against it.

//////end quote

maybe it was because when i was first becoming friends with that person i didnt blatantly ASK her if she had a boifran. probably because i was not used to talking to gurls, and also many times the gurl will mention their boifran IMMEDIATELY. even gurls you are not interested in. you just know which gurls have a boifran and which dont. maybe because she was very slow to mention the boifran, i assumed she didnt have one? how did i feel when i first discovered she had a boifran? it took like at least 3 months from when i first met her. 4 or 5 even. why didnt she mention him? why didnt’ i ask? well like i said, most women mention their boifran right away. unless they are having trouble. which they were.

anyway point is, the boifran usually comes out at an opportune or natural time, usually near the beginning, usually by the woman, unless shit is bad or the woman is weird or untrustworthy.

but i think she honestly loved him! she made an effort to make it work with him! she probably never would have cheated on him! so why was she so slow to mention him? i guess after a while i just ASSUMED she didnt have a boifran??  i honestly dont KNOW when i first became aware, nor HOW.  maybe she DID say something, but i KNOW it wasnt something like “MY BOIFRAN” , i think she said something like “my friend” or “the guy” or something that was more of a hint.

so then it was my fault for saying, “WHAT, YOU MEAN YOUR BOIFRAND?”

well at any rate it eventually came out and we were TALKING about it pretty openly then, her talking about their issues with me. so i became the crying shoulder but i didnt care, cuz i didnt secretly want her. if i DID, i might be pissed or annoyed or tense. at this point i just viewed it as Supporting my female friend. and listening to her, being there for her, and encouraging her to keep working on her Rel.

then he dumped her, i think. then i thought well i might leave her alone for a little while so she can process this. and also so I can process the idea of her being single, i never knew her to be single, maybe i could get feels for her. then i DID, and by then she was dating another guy, but that ended QUICKLY. but then she never agreed to hang out with me ever again. which was weird because we USED to hang out. then she cut me off.  so yeah i was a little angry about that.

i dunno i am in a contacting her sort of mood. i WONT, but i WANT to, i WISH i COULD. even though i know i probably SHOULDNT.

im saying that I know best for what she wants. becuase she clearly doesnt know what she wants and needs to be told by me!

yeah pretty much! she will choose guys that dont care about her and treat her bad, and she wont choose a guy who would love her and treat her good!

well thats her problem.

also shit i dont even know what i want and need.

well, thats only PARTIALLY true. yeah my mind is foggy and my judgment is crap but it wasnt crap about her. I really wanted her, i was all in on that. i made up my mind.

maybe she was just damaged from being abandoned by her father and essentially being emotionally abandoned by her distant boifran. so that screwed her up. and she really didnt want me to get feelings for her, so when i did, she abandoned me.  but she DOES know how to talk to people, she talked to him, lots! but she loved him.

so why was she making guy friends? i dont think she WAS, it was just me, and we became friends because…….just because we got along so well right away, and had fun talking to each other! it was the most natural, Flowing thing ever. like a gift from GOD.



anyway. if someone is hurting you, you have to tell them, especially if they are not aware they are hurting you, or dont intend to hurt you. like if some selfish person refuses to hangout with you, you have to let them know it hruts you. but i dont MEAN to hurt you they will retort.

doesnt matter, the shit you do still hurts me, and if you are serious about not hurting me, uhh take that into account and change your behavior if you really care about me bitch hahahahaha.

so i was too nice to her really hahahah. she was DONE MONTHS ago, but i naively hoped the distance was just temporary.

i should have been reading muh GAME hahahaha.

working on several other women at the same time so i didnt get ONEITIS, which i did.

putting the pussy on a pedestal!

you can see i am being facetious.

i dont think its inappropriate to get feelings for someone after you have gotten to know them for 2 years; or also for men to think you have feelings for you when you have Secs with them.

of course that second one is super naive in this age, because women have secs and THEN get to know you (if ever!) and only many months later do feelings develop, if ever, and probably not, because she flakes out or you do one thing wrong.

call me crazy old fahsioned, but this is why i beleive that women should NOT have secs with men RIGHT AWAY, but WAIT until they REALLY KNOW AND LIKE them, which will take several months! 6 months maybe!

i forgot about go ask alice, one of muh fave advice sites, even though they are marxist and degenerate and encourage women to be sluts and break mens hearts because all men are rapists or niceguy scum woman haters hahahaha.

Don’t emotionally exhaust yourself by continually reaching out. It sounds like you’ve done your part apologizing and attempting to communicate, but without his cooperation, the friendship may have run its course.

well some b is cutting herself or some gay guy because their male friend is giving them silent treatment. yeah i sorta agree, i mean youve done all you can, ball is in their court, your work here is done. now alice says “they might still care” but uhhhh kinda hard to tell if they refuse to communicate with you at all ever.

anyway despite how sex positive alice is, they still are good about emphasizing communication, and how important clear effective commuincation is. i would agree 100000%, communication is very important. not shitty communcation where you beat around the bush and never communcate about the elephant.

and if they say

i dont want to talk about it,

then you just have to say OK like eeyore and say youve done all you can????!?!?!?!


trust, commincation, and respect. how the fook can you have ANY of those things with a WOMAN, let alone all THREE? hahahaha.

heh. i used to have all three with her and it hurts to lose a special person like that. well, the communication could have been a little better. then it just got worse and worse!

but yeah its a big damn deal, it was quite simply and honestly, the closest and most important Relationship i had had with a woman in years, since i had some female friends in 2005 and 06. then we drifted apart because of distance and i didnt really get close to any women until her, from 2012-2015.


they are like SEX ANIMALS. sex is the only way they can understand anything, the only way they can have feelings, its the Deepest Thing for them.  they think it is more important than Communication, Trust, or Respect for building an intimate relationship. or a non intimate relationship!

its just amazing she can be in a long term rel and be so shitty at communicating. well she just was shitty at communicating with ME. i wish she had not been! come on! she had much less to lose with me! why NOT talk to me! because it was too overwhelming and too much work for too little reward?

i should thank her for finding ENDING THIS CHARADE and DISABUSING ME OF THE DELUSION!

well, she could have done that a lot earlier, 10 months earlier to be exact. if anythign she kept the shit going too long by giving me some mixed signals amidst it all that made me think this was all temporary.

also she would either have to communicate to End It All……OR not communicate at all, which of course is what she ended up doing. but she could have done THAT 10 months earlier is what im saying.

so im not gonna thank her for SHIT is why im saying hahahaha. but i am starting to appreciate that it will be good to have her out of my life as someone that will waste my time, and not be able to commuincate or trust or respect. then what fooking good is she really? apart from some FANTASY i can fantasize about, but everything she is in real life is annoying and infuriating and hurtful and heartbreaking? no thank you! take it back! pack your shit and leave! gtfo my life! you add no value! you bring only pain and nothing good!

if anything my communication skills are really GOOD, IF i can feel free to Speak Freely and not hide or avoid shit. but with someone i trust, i can articulate my thoughts and feelings really well. but if its some bitch i am trying to stop from leaving me, then i get emotionally compromised and start commuincating more unclearly. and sometimes they dont even LET you communicate with them hahahahaha like what happened here.

this is why it can be helpful to write emails, when then person is not right there in front of you. that can just make you more emotional and more likely to Bargain Desperately, and do something Desperate or Stupid, rather than communicate honestly or freely.

like when i would say yeah we can date other people ABSOLUTELY, when i really didnt want that, i would just do ANYTHIGN to APPEASE them and keep them around in ANY capacity.

hilariously enough, they just left me anyway, wouldnt even let me SHARE them with other people, they did not want me among the 10 other people they were fooking at that time hahahha. fooking bitches and whores.

a man who uses those words is an abuser. well i respond, that a woman who acts like THAT deserves to be called those words! dont be a bitch and hateful abusive men like moi wont call you a bitch!


look at all the people on go ask alice who are having secs for years and in ltr’s, and they have the MOST OBVIOUS problems that culd be solved with just a little communication, but they obviously dont have that. yet they still have secs and have been dating for at least a year. so how did they get to that point? with no damn communication in the relationship?

i dunno. maybe they did have some communication for a while, but then it broke down.

oh well first sign of problems, better bail out and find a better replacement! its never worth it to try to fix problems!

hehehe or at least when it came to trying to fix problems in a rel with a Repulsive Horrible Person such as myself, they always would rather just bail out hahahahah. nothing worth saving here!

so that is not helpful for the old self esteem hahahaha.

see the difference between me and women is that when i get feelings for a woman, i dont suddenly want to stop communicating with them. to the contrary, i want to talk about how the relationship may have to change. rather than running away and taking dicks and pretending nothing ever existed.

nope just bury your head in the sand and take dicks.

so yeah i will be angry at her for hurting me for a while. i know they say you are supposed to forgive them. i really dont know if you need to. i mean, if they hurt you, and you are never gonna see them again, and you know you are over them after a few years, who CARES if you FORGIVE them. like shit i wont forgive woman3, even though i am well over her, because it really doesnt do me any good to forgive her, i mean she is a dead part of my past, it just doesnt matter if i forgive her. fine i forgive her. big fookin deal. it doesnt mean anything, im just saying the words “i forgive you” i really cant feel ANYTHING toward her now but i am sure i would still fook her if she looked good. i mean i havent seen her in 10 years and i never think abotu her! just an example.

yeah i am def getting over it a bit but i am still not happy. i am angry at her for being so god damn stupid. it didnt have to be this way!!!!!!!! but noooooo she was so stubborn against communicating and acting like a god damn adult. had to act like a fooking 5 year old. just absolutely had to. couldnt even act like an 18 year old! even though she is way older than that. just ridiculous. god damn. be a little bit cooler than that. she didnt need to be THAT disappointing! its ok to be a LITTLE disappointing, but this was just too extreme.

anyway life is not fair so get used to it!

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. NAMELY, the Breakdown In Communication which started even BEFORE that 10 month period i was feeling for her. it prbably started a few months BEFORE that when i was afraid to directly address the topics of her old boifran and her new boifran. i mean she could have addressed the topics too but so could have it. i guess the blame there was 50 50. although in the end it was still 66 33 hahahaha.

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. well kind of. i didnt think those communication problems could grow so much. well it really wouldnt have MATTERED if it didnt get feelings. it was possible our Friendship was At A Dead Standstill??? i dont think so…. i mean it was moving slowly, my feelings came on slowly.

well at any rate, my feelings DID increase the communication problems, or made these problems all the more Pressing and Urgent and Timely.

i had much more of an interest in resolving the commuincation problems; she honestly did not. PLUS she probably knew i had feelings and that turned her off even more.

MAYBE we could have resolved the comm probs if i didnt have feelings. then i just wouldnt care so much either!

but thats what feelings are, its CARING about someone a lot.

anyway i dont blame her for not having feelings. i just blame her for handling the communication HORRIBLY.

i didnt handle it perfectly but she handled it worse. 66 33.

75 25 hahahaha.

but yeah i will get over it, i wont even contact her. i might never get on facebook again hahaha.

anyway right now i have NO CONFIDENCE in doing jobs. like i cant do jobs and shit. nothing. i could never be a Server in a Restaurant for example. i just cant JUGGLE that much shit. just watching them makes me anxious! i would have to take valium every single day!

the merona pants at target look very nice. they cost $25, this is kinda expensive, but if you make 25DAH at your Job, you should be able to handle it.

Merona® Men’s Ultimate Flat Front Pants

are what i am talking about.

okay i did a 3.1 miler by walking around an extra block to add to my usual 2.8 cuz i wanted at least a solid 3.0.

but yeah none of this is good for the confidence. and i am angry at her because she could have been a little NICER and not taken away so much confidence.

so i guess my confidence was at a RELATIVE “high” before all this shit started. i certainly didnt like muh job but i did ok at it, things were smooth and undramatic with female “friend” etc.

so yeah it was very worthwhile for me to communicate with her. very worthwhile. there was nothing but benefit. it would give me some sense of resolution.

there was NO worth, no value, no benefit to her to communicate, so therefore, she didnt. very simple. she didnt do it because there was no incentive to her. she knew it would be an awkward and difficult convo. she had an idea that i had feels for her. she didnt WANT to talk about it. she didnt WANT me to have feels for her because she didnt have any for me, she didnt want to TALK about it. she didnt NEED to talk about it.  she didnt think i would have such a damn hardon for Closure and Resolution and Direct Unambiguous Verbal Communication. maybe i do need more of that than the average normalfag.

yeah well these were pretty strong feelings. it just wasnt some Schoolboy Crush!

well part of it was exacerbated by the job itself. i mean i was nervous just to come in and do the job even if she wasnt there. well it was better when she wasnt, i mean for a while there i was working one day where she was off, that was better than having to see her. but it was still a ridic job.

if it were an easy job, maybe it would be different. maybe the ridiculousness of the job caused me to be more dramatic to her.  but my desire to communicate with her was still VALID. thats what you do when you have feelings for somebody. you tell them or show them.

i think my signal sending was good enough so that she Had An Idea what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk because i was the one with the feelings. she didnt want to talk because she didnt have feelings. if she had feelings, she would have wanted to talk, just like she did when she DID have feelings for the guy. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. HER AND ONLY HER hahahaha. think about the other person for a change. selfish as hell hahahaha.

i am a much better communicator than her hahaha. well she doesnt need to be cuz shes a woman hahahaha all she needs is a cvnt and uterus.  i aint mad abotu THAT, thats just how HUMANS are. its the same reason i prefer 20 year old women to 40 year old women, as do all men.

shit i just wish i was young again and could drink and go to parties with young gurls hahaha.

but i forget that i was young, did go to parties with young gurls, and get drunk, and that still didnt help me seduce the gurls!

also i am butthurt because i did not start going to parties until about halfway through My Youth. i wanted to be going to parties my WHOLE youth hahahaha.  wawawawawawaw.  instead i was drinking by myself or with other guys and basically NEVER LEARNED how to talk to gurlz.

so it did build confidence to have an actual female friend i could talk to, without nervousness, and actually get to know them.

well if a big part of getting over heartbreak is just to stand there in the middle of the deluge and Take The Pain beating you down, well i have def done that! in fact i might be nearing the end of that. and now i will be more pessimistic about women in general (if that were even possible!!) and worrying about jobs and also worrying about being alone forever, since when am i ever gonna find someone i LIKE again.

but i would also take a cute young fucc buddie gurl that i could bang with no feelings and i wouldnt care about her that i had no respect for her. that doesnt make me a hypocrite because i cant get preggers hahahaha i can do whatever i want because theres really no way i can defile My Biological Role as a Dumper Of Sperm, i mean thats pretty Degraded as it is, as opposed to the Holy Of Holies where Sperm Slowly Grows into a Beautiful Babby. that is a beautiful thing and therefore CAN BE defiled. and by god many/most women DO defile it!

bitches and whores!

but yeah it sucks to have something good and then it is gone forever. even if she didnt like me we still had a decent friendship before everything went wrong, and i valued that friendship, it was very important to me, and it sucks to lose it, and in such a bad hurtful way. of COURSE things HAVE to change when one person gets feelings, but you can deal with it better so that things dont end THIS badly.

its ok to put “personal reasons” for “reason for leaving.”

maybe try to put “personal reasons, good standing with employer, rehirable”

Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

With 7% of respondents to the CareerBuilder survey saying they had to leave a job after a breakup, you’ll be glad you did some critical thinking before jumping into any new relationship with a colleague.

has a lot of links in it believe it or not!

heh there is lots of stuff on communicating with them about ground rules and such. well what if they dont WANT to communicate with you hahahaha.

well i am sure if i stuck around longer we might eventually communicate, be like ok this is stupid, obviously you dont like me, but we cant go on WORKING this way!!!! and maybe figured something out. or maybe not.

i notice none of these articles mention anything like being so distraught you cant even do your job!!!! and all of these people seemed to have easy jobs hahaha.

google “working with your ex” to bring up some good results

this one says 6 month rule to get over your “ex”

also in this one, the “exes” are contacting each other almost trying to get back with each other, and you are supposed to kindly but firmly say NO! i am no longer your emotional support system!

but what if you WANT THEM BACK and they come back?

i assume the article assumes that both people agreed on the breakup?

dont know what thats like, i thought you always get dumped and then you want the “ex” to reconsider, come back to you, get your ex hahahaha.

food that shit.

but yeah communication is important in working with the “ex”. no shit. communication is very important when dealing with anybody really, but especially a would be lover. it would be nice if the women recognized that fact instead of bailing out immediately. hahahah they are worse quitters than i am. they quit relationships like i quit jobs hahahaha.



shit i watch intervention and these people are in much worse shape than me, then in 90 days of rehab they are totally changed. and are all full of energy and enthusiasm. seem to be in much better shape than me at that point! seeing that shit makes me think i need 90 days of rehab!

denial, really the more accurate term would be DISBELIEF. I CANT BELIEVE this is happening, i CANT BELIEVE they would do that to me, i can’t believe the situation i’m in, i have no idea how i’m gonna get out of this.

it takes a long time just to believe it happened! And you will NEVER make sense out of it!

stop trying to make sense out of it!

this is hard for a man to want to do. men want to make sense out of things.

well you cant make sense out of WOMEN. women are inherently nonsensical.

well the SENSE of it, is i was rejected because i was a weak underconfident beta who disgusted her rather than made her Tingle. this for her was reason enough to throw me away like garbage.

things like long term friendship mean something to men. they dont necessarily mean anything to women, especially when feelings enter the picture.

when i brought feelings in, i CHANGED THE GAME, and in her mind, ended the Long Term Friendship right then and there, unilaterally. it was my fault. at that point i immediately ceased being a long term friend, a human being worthy of respect, and became a Potential Suitor, and an obvious Lower Beta Male, and therefore worthy of NO respect. i stopped being worthy of respect in her eyes 10 months ago, or maybe 8 months, whenever she realized that i Liked her, whenever she realized i was texting more.

what was my crime? the feelings? the desire to communicate? or the pushiness?

well, logic says it was the pushiness.

and she was upset about the pushiness for sure, but i think she was upset about the feelings themselves, when really thats nobodys fault.

also the pushiness was wrong, my fault, ok. but it was rooted in a good thing, mature thing, the desire to communicate.

and she was wrong for being PUSHY AGAINST any sort of communication.

however, the LESSON LEARNED: as soon as your desire to communicate makes you start being pushier and pushier because they are Pushing Back and being Stubborn and Obstinate, and you know you should Rein it In, but you still are frustrated because you’re not able to communicate…….

at that point blurt it out.

Which means I should have blurted it out in DECEMBER as opposed to JULY. a FULL seven months earlier.


we would debate back and forth forever:

i would say she is more wrong than me, because she was so stubborn about (not) communicating.

she would say i am more wrong than her, because i was the first one to be stubborn, i started the stubbornness, with wanting to communicate, and wouldnt leave her alone when she made her intentions clear not to.


and she woud say, but i obviously didnt WANT to.

and i would rebut, well then that makes YOU the bad guy. i thought we were friends. when your friends want to communicate, you take one for the team.

and then she would rebut, our friendship ended in october the instant you got feelings.

and i would rebut, that changed our friendship and made it all the more important for us to communicate. but i disagree that i threw the friendship away at that moment. it made it all the more important to discuss the changing nature of the friendship and get everything out in the open, rather than sending stupid signals.

and then she would rebut, well you should have gotten the picture after a few months. and if you wanted to communicate so badly, you could have just blurted it out.

and then i would say, yep, thats what this whole experience taught me. i wasted three years of my life knowing you just to learn the lesson that i should blurt it out after two or three months rather than ten months.

that was really worth it hahahahahaha.

so yeah i wish i never met her, and again i managed to waste three years of my life. just like i wasted three years of my life on woman2012. and after her i said NEVER AGAIN, thats why i will ACT FAST next time.

i could say i only wasted TEN MONTHS rather than THREE YEARS. thats also a valid argument.

in fact i think it is the CORRECT argument, in the Court/Trial of Logical Debate.

Ok. we knew each other for almost 3 years. 2 years and 10 months.

for the first 2 years everything was fine. we were friends and i dont consider this time wasted.

for the final 10 months i had feelings and shit got worse and worse until the shitstorm end.

i “wasted” this time insofar as i didnt tell her right away. blurt it out. but it was still proper to wait about 3 months before blurting it out. so really i only wasted 7 months.

but i say, those ten months could not have been possible without the two years. the 2 years was a CAUSE of my feelings. then, while i had feeling, i went back, in my mind, to remember those two years in a more rose colored fashion, that i had not really had at the time. this gives the feeling of a “three year love rel” when in fact it was not.

sure i can say i wish i never met her, and if i had never been friends with her i would have never fallen in love with her. those points still stand up to scrutiny.

BUT it does NOT follow that i was in love with her for 3 YEARS! but in fact, only 10 months. the love that i had during those 10 months does NOT change the feelings i had for the prior 2 years. even if sometimes it feels like it.

verdict: i did NOT waste 3 years. i did not even waste 10 months. i only wasted about 7 months.

last time, with woman2012, i wasted 3 years, cuz i dev feels for her quite soon. they lasted quite a while unfortunately. i would hang out with her but i didnt confess my feels for 3 years. plus we just werent really that close. i was much closer to woman2015 during our friendship period. shit during that time SHE actually wanted to hang out with ME!!!!!!!!!

well doesnt that mean the bitch wants the D?

hahahahaha of course it does. I should have just made her cheat on her boifran, and had us BOTH Pop our Cheating Cherry.

oh god what a sick sad world!

also, to the charge that she didn’t know i wanted to “communicate.” she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT all the time. maybe if i had known my true desire was to Communicate and Talk, she would have been more amenable to that. but since i phrased it as always “wanna hang out”, she just thought i wanted to hang out.

well i agree my cardinal sin was to be constantly pushing her to hang out, and i should have, 7 months earlier, blurted out the thing i wanted to communicate. fine i accept THAT.

but by the other token, she could have seen that Hanging Out was Important to me, and then carved out a Fooking HOUR for us to hang out, like go to dinner like we USED to, at least one time in ten months.

i didnt think it would stretch out this long. i was optimistic to have The Talk within One Month! i thought she was gonna invite me to something for thanksgiving, i thought she was going to invite me to something for xmas, nothing!

i fully expected the matter to be settled by the end of the year. i really did think she was gonna invite me to like a get together at thanksgiving and or xmas, and we would get my beloved COMMUNICATION then.

so i was disappointed when that didnt happen. i should have told her that!

we communicated well on little things and small talk and even bigger talk about Life, but when it came to talking about the The Big Things Between Us, we were both horrible at talking about that sort of stuff. but at least i wanted to.

if she wanted to, she could have made a damn effort, like responded to my emails. takes two to tango hahahahaha. she could have lifted a finger. i at least lifted a finger in my cowardly way. she did absolutely nothing in her even more cowardly way.

well i sent one email before we stopped talking and three emails after we stopped talking. i know she read that very first one. now the next three, she may have read the first one. but the second two, there is increasing likelihood that she blocked. and the third one, which i sent one week ago, was really the best and most important.  and also the one least likely to be read. damn.

heh. this would be a lot easier if i had a female friend i could go to for Booty Call Secs.

I really gotta learn to Separate Secs and Luv if I ever want to get along with a damn Woman. cuz thats what they do ALL THE TIME.

i went to church and a really cute gurl sat in the row right in front of me. this is not normal. she was i dunno adult age, age of consent and above. normally the only cute gurls that go to church are Underage Gurls with their Parents. but not Overage Gurls. I mean she was about 21. if anything she was still too young! also i didnt think she was as attractive as my female former friend (FFF). but she was still definitely attractive and i would have thrown it in. but she was way too young and in good shape to consider a super old fat slob like me. it would just be CREEPY for me to be attracted to her!

but yeah cant stop playing what if, things i could have done differently. if i had just blurted it out. and you can get pretty creative with how you blurt it out. text, email, messages, smoke break, after work, you could even send them an at work instant message chat. so i was a little uncomfortable about that. i wanted to talk about it in person. hence all the talk of hanging out. but i didnt say anything like “i want to hang out BECAUSE I have something i really wanna talk about.” so again its all my fault for that hahahahaha.

well i was treading carefully here. i had no idea. i had never fallen in luv with a female friend before. i hadnt even HAD a female friend period for years. because i am such a weird omega male with an intense inferiority complex that repulses all people, especially women hahahaha. i expected that if i ever had another female friend she would be so physically unattractive that i would never develop feels for her. so go figure when i made a female friend who was not ugly. hahahahaha.


hahaha i remember joking with her in october or november how she had “three strikes” and she had just used up one or two of them.

so it was all my fault for not controlling my perception and my reaction. if i had reacted differently, we would have lived happily ever after.

no that is bullshit. she is not some blameless victim.

i remember the closest thing we had to “communication” was i was begging for her forgiveness and sorry sorry sorry sorry i have been so pushy, and then she said “tbh that is why i have been so distant” or something like that. basically blaming me for everything. so its all my fault.

well she just thought i wanted to HANG OUT, she didnt know i had the legitimate desire of communication!

she didnt know i wanted to communicate, she just thought i wanted to hang out!

see how weak that sounds?

communication is an inherent PART of hanging out!

well, not really. there are plenty of people who hang out all the time but never really communicate.

but i didnt even get ONE FOOKING CHANCE.

and instead of blaming me as the bad guy, she could have said lets TALK, or lets just hang out for ONE HOUR, or write an email actually Examining her Feelings.

but that would involve THINKING about your feelings. to take it one step further than Animal Impulse.

i dont LIKE being so emotional, thats why i spend so much time and energy dissecting my ridiculous emotions and trying to learn from them, trying not to let them ruin my damn life like they are right now.

ruin my shit with women, ruin jobs and lives.

i dunno i just felt more Emotionally Mature than her, believe it or not, because i was willing to put my emotions under the microscope and really get to the root of them, and talk about everything, but she was willing only to blame me as the bad guy and wasnt willing to think or talk about anything.

i would reflect on myself and my feelings too much, she reflected on herself and her feelings not at fooking ALL.

thats the only thing you can tell me. is that its all my fault for making you be distant and cold. no other thoughts on the situation at all. shit at least take ten minutes to talk about those feelings. i think when we had that talk, it wasn’t really a talk, it was the briefest of exchanges on instant message. i would have rather had her bitch and moan about why i was such a bad inconsiderate pushy guy if she were sitting with me and actually talking. then we could have used that opportunity to talk about related things, like why i was so pushy, and what my problem was, and what she thought, and what i thought.

yeah i was no angel but neither was she. i am Mature enough to see that i was no angel, but she is just gonna blame it all on me, and have no conscience. in her mind, i deserved this kind of treatment. in my mind, i deserved to be treated with basic human respect.

so i learn lessons, kinda shitty lessons that weren’t worth the pain. and she learns NOTHING.

well i become a better person and she will become a worse person. women often do hahaha.

however i became more of a loser in the material world.

well, see, according to email1, i made my desire to communicate 100% clear. we were still talking then. i basically said sorry for pushing you but its not that i want to hang out per se, i just want to talk. can we talk on the phone or email. i miss the closeness of our friendship. i know she read this one. i wish she had responded to it. she just said I read it and I wasnt upset, but gave no further comment on what she thought. TYPICAL. (like a pussy i harped about “please dont be UPSET” during the email to make it clear i wasnt accusing her of anything)

email2 came about 2 or 3 weeks later, when all the shit had gone down. not sure if she read this one, but an ok chance. she had unfriended me from facebook but not sure if she blocked me.

but when you unfriend someone, it gives you the choice right then, do you also want to block this person? i dunno i never unfriended anyone. i only had 8 fb friends. i only friend people i expect to never unfriend!

anyway in this one i said im so sorry it happened this way, i resigned from job, im wish it didnt end this way, im sorry, i am having a real bad time right now, i hope you will talk to me again some day, yes i do have feelings for you, they started in october. i wont send any more emails, i never wanted to hurt you, i just wanted to communicate.

then 10 days later i sent another email (email3)  saying sorry im sorry, but i have to ask, could you ever have feelings for me ever, and also please please respond and tell me what you think about all this. the please respond email.

then 3 weeks later, sent her email4, prob the best one, saying please respond less desperately, but basically saying we can end it better than this, i deserve more respect than this, please treat me like a human being, please treat me with respect, dont hate me like a piece of shit. its never too late to communicate about this. please take the high road. i am not a horrible person.

not gonna get a response to that one either! email1 she said she read, email2 she might have read, and likelihood of reading decreases on email3 and 4.

what the hell did i do that was so BAD? she treats cheaters and horrible people better than she treated me, her friend of 2 years, where we knew and trusted each other.

i am having a REALLY tuff time getting over this. i cannot see how it WONT permanently damage me.

I CANT BELIEVE IT! how could she not even just send a message or write an email! because she things THAT LITTLE of me! But I didnt do anything THAT BAD!!!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE IT!

the only good things to come out of this are that stupid worthless lesson i learned about Blurting It Out within 3 months; getting better about Jogging; getting sort of closer with Family.

but also my confidence is completely gone, i cant even make a phone call!!!


summer 2

got no internships. hehehe. went back home with friends to drink and smoke and party and have as much fun as possible before going back to kinda sucky skool, where i had barely 2 friends, didn’t know any gurls, had no idea what i was doing, and was wasting my edu and life.

Me and my fam were aware by that point that something wasn’t right, but i refused to go see a shrink (should have gone to a shrink in grade 10!), but agreed to go to family doc to get an rx. because i was convinced i just had a chemical imbalance and a drug would fix me right quick. really it was less effort to do this.

so he got me on paxil and i was kinda excited about that. not sure if it really DID anything though.

worked same old job, drank and smoked too much for my developing/frying brain, gave no thought to the future, in fact, tried actively to block it out. just get the psych degree and that will be good enough to live on. but yeah the college thing as a whole kinda sucked because i didn’t super like it, i refused to get involved or to do things that would help me, i had barely any friends or social life, i refused to put myself out there, refused to get help, refused to do anything, refused to put forth effort, was already a LAZY LOSER, also i was kinda upset about being a virgin who knew no gurls even though i was surrounded by cute gurls, especially in the girly psychology classes.

middle middle class skool, vs the upper working class life i knew back home, with friends and fun. i saw the fellow students as uptight and weird and masochistic and unfriendly. i was friendly but they didn’t want to be friendly with me!

so yeah i was clearly f00ked up. getting the meds was a step in the right direction, but i should have gone on hiatus from school right there. i think the idea was even mentioned. go on hiatus, or come back home and go to much less prestigious local skool. of course i stubbornly said no, if i just power thru 2 more years and get a degree from this prestigious skool (by now i did have an inkling of the skools prestige), then i will be set for life, i’ll have a better life than if i went to a less prestigious skool.

in hindsight my fam should have said, now it’s our turn to be stubborn, we’re the fam, we’re TAKING you out of this skool. foot down. but that did not happen. went back to grade 15 and continued the downward spiral.

grade 15

moved into a place with the 2 weed smoking friends i had made. good guys but i did not need to be smoking that much weed. so this was a bad move right off the bat.

so the weed smoking increased and that was a bad move. on top of all the other bad moves i had made up til then. 1 of the 2 guys started becoming gradually more unbearable. he was possibly bipolar and really weird. not as bad as my grade 13 roomate, still basically a good guy, but very hard to live with on a daily basis. none of us ever had any friends over and our place became a weird isolated weird zone. i didn’t really have other friends anyway, and the other weird guy didn’t either. the more normal friend had friends but understandably didn’t have them over very often. especially the grills, hehehehe. i think he knew a couple of grills but the rest of us sure didn’t!

i recall looking at lots and lots of increasingly weird porno.

smoking too much weed, not being engaged with skool, not thinking about grad skool , not talking to professors and advisors or counselors, feeling angry against the typical students, not fitting in, bla bla bla, like the one guy i lived with was my only real friend, etc.

started SKIPPING classes and that was a REAL bad move. place was a little further from class than the dorms so that was a good excuse. grades really started slipping. thru end of grade 14 i got all a’s, maybe a b+. now I started getting some c’s, and even a D. it was the first time i got such sh1tty grades. i kinda thought it was cool, like FINALLY, I wish I had gotten some C’s in high school so the expectations wouldn’t be so high!

i think during this time i stopped taking muh paxil. also stubbornly refuse to talk to any helpers. still would have helped to have been pulled out of skool at this point, because the worst academic performance was yet to come in year 16!

also, year 15 is when you should STOP slacking off and REALLY hit the books if you want to get into grad skool and become a winner in life. i did just the opposite.

also Summer 3 is your last chance to start getting internships or else you’re f00ked 4 lyfe. I of course had no concept of what an internship was or why would you get it.

i stayed in the place for about a month after school ended, said i was gonna try to find a summer job or something. i of course did not try very hard at all, and I COULD HAVE found a SWEET summer job if I had even TRIED, but nooooooooo i was just smoking weed and playing vidya games probably. jerking off to porn. i do recall discovering charles bukowski at this time, and read “ham on rye” and “women”.

i could have gotten a sweet job as a college groundskeeper, banged some college gurls, or gotten a more acad focused research assistant job which would have been good for grad skool. it’s not like i was STUPID. but i was just a lazy unmotivated loser who just wanted to smoke weed and didn’t like The Skool so i didn’t want to get involved with The Skool at all, plus I had a summer job waiting for me back home anyway.

I tried Mushrooms for the first time with my normal friend around this time. It was kinda neat, it wasn’t horrible, but i wish i had gotten some profound long-term life changing epiphany, because i really needed one, to change my life at that point. But i didn’t, and i didn’t.

but i didn’t like skool, i didn’t like learning, and i was smoking too much weed and frying my brain while it was developing, and had stubbornness and anger and bad attitude to the point where it was a problem, but i refused to get help. and continued to f00k up and make bad choices and waste opportunities to eventually become the old loser that stands before you today.


june 1

if while doing spring cleaning (which can be done ANY time of year, even the dead of winter!) and you see something that reminds you of an old friend but you really don’t need to keep it because you’ll never look at it or use it, but it’s hard to throw away because you didn’t leave on Bad Terms with that friend, you just grew apart, then Say A Prayer Of Gratitude and GoodWill for them, then throw the thing away, saying something like “don’t take this personally buddy, i wish you all the best, but I just need to clean my dam house”. and throw it away or give it to charity.

i guess some people get really emo attached to photos, if their house were burning, they would run to save their photo albums first.

ummm that’s understandable and acceptable. but i really don’t have a lot of photos…

ok i guess don’t throw photos out, just put them in a box. if it’s someone who RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT, ok yes you can and should throw photos of them out.

unless it is “revenge porn” hehehehehe. i think revenge porn is great. b1tches shouldn’t let you take nekkid pitcherz if they are just gonna j you over later!

note: i am NOTE encouraging any illegal or abusive activity!!!!!!!!!!

ehhhh wimmin. they are ok i guess, but i can TAKE THEM OR LEAVE THEM. So far in mah life, THE CONS HAVE OUTWEIGHED THE PROS.

also, they say that the def of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

i wonder if that’s jsut a wives tale because to me that technically sounds more like Stubbornness or Laziness, but not necessarily INSANITY. Of course in the back of your mind you prob know that what you’re stubbornly doing again and again is not gonna work, you just hope against hope that it will finally work this time, but not really EXPECTING it to work, per se.

who gives a f.

heh. it will be weird hanging out in close quarters with a bunch of normalfags with good jobs and prob headed toward marriage with their gurlfrans.

well, these really are the types of people i should try to hang out with MORE! and you too.

just be careful not to advertise yourself as a huge loser. HIDE YOUR LOSERNESS. If they pry, just give them a sanitized story and say you’ve fallen on kinda tuff times lately. but eventually you would like to get a nice entry level job in business or computers.

oh no, not dating anyone right now, haven’t met the right girl yet for marriage, not a problem, it’ll happen someday, just working on myself right now, playing the field a little bit.

funny thing is, i actually know some normalfag successfuls but i don’t make much of an effort with them. because 65% of them, i’m not sure i really like. but i should make more of an effort wiht the OTHER 35%!!!

and this is different because this is a completely different group, from my Old Life that I’m trying to erase most of it (except for the nice people) blatantly inviting me to do something.

and since i gave up drinking, it is A LOT EASIER to be on good behavior.

just pretend i am a hardworking normalfag who is having a spell of bad luck right now, but i won’t let it get me down!

but let the one old friend know i really wouldn’t mind an FT position in his Huge Employer. that would be set 4 lyfe.

june 2

ok leaving later tonight. did my errands, got my hair cut nice and short to help with the baldness, got the finances in order THANK GOD, cut the lawn, finally got a second here. want to do last touches on my civilization in settlers; ideally do pwalk, finish packing (toiletries?)

had a dream last night with girl7, o noes. well it’s been like 2 weeks for her, hehehe. in the dream we were driving around LA in a mercedes or fancy car and she was being cold and b1tchy to me pushing me to be a Pushy Customer to a Car Dealer for some reason. now, i prob do not stand up for my rights as a customer enough, and car dealers and car people are notorious for trying to screw their customers, so you DO have to be aggressive right back to them. masculine. I sighed.

of course, me driving around with her like that sort of implies we were “dating” and that I had probably gotten a chance to have her sit on muh face for hours after eating bowls of bacon and beans, eat her 4ss, maybe a little face f4rting perhaps (o come on, hahahaha), licking the sweat out of her 4sscrack, have nice missionary stare em in the eyes sechs, suck on her stomach and belly button and huge bewbs and all sorts of GROSS DEGENERATE PERVERSIONS as well as Happy Cuddling and Making Out, all the stuff that goes along with Dating. But there was really no hint of any of that in the dream. JUST her being a B1tch and testing my masculinity by putting me in an uncomfortable position.

thankfully the dream was short and I don’t remember much of it.

anyway. those disgusting 4ss perversions i don’t really want to do to that extent with every cute young gurl, it was something that symbolized the deep True Luv I had for Gurl 7. Maybe the more you are in Luv with a Gurl, the more disgusting things you are willing to do with her 4ss.

good news is, i’m not thinking of Girl8 at all any more. And I was reflecting that the Experience of Girl7 has pretty much BLOWN AWAY all the other Gurls 1 thru 6, effectively erasing them from my memory. (well, 99% at least, till i get the occasional dream and think of them again.)

heh. now I am thinking of G7 again. Ya know, things would have been a LOT easier if she had just said yes. then i would get a masters degree all day long. or at least gladly work muh crappy middle working class job 80 hours a week if i could just home to dat 4ss. dat heart :((((((( heh what beta bullcrap.