THE C0CK LADDER

feb 28

huge amazon aws s3 outage today which “broke the internet” hahaha.

today i learned that john mctiernan, who directed such classics as DIE HARD, hunt for red october, and predator, was in federal prison in 2013-14 for some kind of wire tap charge

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McTiernan

he got out and is still alive but hasnt made a movie since 2003’s Basic, which i did not see. but i was just thinking about what a great movie die hard is and i totally forgot mctiernan also did the great hunt for red october, also a great movie, really knows how to make a good thriller, action, suspense story with good story and characters, and i should try to make an effort to watch more of his films, he does this very well. he also did last action hero, which i thoroughly enjoyed.

also die hard with a vengeance. that was good and he did that. but not 2, 4, or 5. have not seen 4 or 5. maybe i should. well, i saw part of 2 and it seemed ok.

ideally would have a nice waifu to cuddle with and watch die hard, and that i feel about her on a level comparable to how i felt about That Woman, and that This New Woman would have some sort of feelings for me and want to make an effort to cuddle with me and watch die hard more than she’d rather be out “hanging out” ie fooking and sucking and sexting other guys. especially black guys hahahaha.

have you ever had a woman you LUVED reject you harshly but NOT reject black guys? she loves and makes an effort with black guys but cant lift a finger for you. i can tell you getting RACECUCKED like that is never fun. adds insult to injury. its bad enough that they would rather be with other men than you, period, and when its a black or nonwhite guy, but esp black, it feels even worse.

not that i hate black people. i get along very well with this middle aged black woman i see several times a week, and she is pretty damn black. like super black acting. talks with super ebonics like she grew up super poor in the hood. i am sort of curious if she has any keeds dead or in jail. i guess she has a husband which is kinda surprising. well good for them, families are good for blacks as well as whites. families are good for ALL races.

took 2 benedryl today, trying to “self soothe” before bed by NOT watching news. watching news gets me hyped up and not really relaxed. also ive decided its pointless to try to go to bed at 7 because im not even near tired at that time. might as well go to bed at 9 and play some more cards and try to calm self down.

today came home, took first benedryl around 3 o clock, by 4 o clock i was dead tired and couldnt even keep my eyes open. wish i felt like that at 7 or 8! i actually took a powernap for like 30 or 45 minutes. woke up like 515, took another benedryl, played some more cards, of course wish i had some mj but oh well. maybe i should buy some on a dark market hahahahahahaha. no i wouldnt do that. its illegal and i dont condone illegal activities. plus id be way too paranoid and scared. as i should be.

but yeah, its KEY to CALM YOURSELF before going to bed like fatherland jim said, youd think kids would learn this naturally, but many dont. i certainly never did. i later turned to terrible things like alcohol, MJ, and porn to help “self soothe”.  all these are bad with MJ being the least bad. but yes porn. oh. watch 10 minutes and crank one out to GET READY FOR BED, cant SLEEP, cant clear your mind untill youve CRANKED ONE OUT.

well its still not a terrible thing to do…….just dont use PORN to do it. stop watching porn. dont necessarily have to stop jerking off. but porn makes you want to jerk off TO porn EVERY DAY. and this is just TERRIBLE.

STOP WATCHING PORN. this is so much more important than “nofap.” do noporn instead.

MARCH 1

wewlad am i thankful i am not thinking about that woman NEARLY as much as i did even 6 or 7 months ago. 7 short months ago i was thinking about her like 2 hours a day. now i barely think about her for a minute a day. it takes a LONG TIME (1 year and 7 months) but time eventually DOES heal all wounds. now if i saw her again right now, shit yeah that would suck. because you would ALWAYS take them back. i’d probably take her back 5 years from now when she is either a huge winner or a huge loser.

but yeah this new job even though its nothing to be proud of as a man…..is still a giant leap forward from being a horrible neet. i dont have terrible dread and anixety of HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE THIS DAY? every single day. what am i gonna say to these people, how am i gonna fix or pretend to fix or pass the buck on these complicated problems i dont understand? how come that dumb woman can handle this so much better than i can? how come she wont hang out with me any more? and the only saving grace was the MJ i was able to get from her. she was willing to do that at least. i guess that is how she showed her willingness to do something for me, that she was too immature to express in a better way. i would have much rather just hung out with her and had an honest conversation rather than have her get MJ for me.

this is what happens when fathers abandon their daughters. its TRAGIC. if by some MIRACLE they dont turn into huge sluts, and most of them do, then they will be like scared children in other ways, and will hurt you in ways they don’t even intend to.

heh. believe me. i knew about her father situation from the very beginning so i assumed she WAS a crazy slut. and then i got to know her better and found out she was surprisingly well adjusted for a gurl wihtout a father!

takeaway is that if she did have a good father, she probably wouldnt have handled the thing with me the way she did, which was not at all hahahaha.  her having a father would have helped ME quite a bit. and would have helped HER immensely. CHILDREN NEED GOOD FATHERS. PERIOD.

i dont even hate her, i totally understand why she essentially shit the bed here, i kinda did too. it was devastating, i was very very upset, i thought about it a super lot for a very long time, i didnt come to any big conclusions other than what i already knew: in tough stressful situations, people CHOKE. good people choke and can really let other people down even when they dont INTEND to. esp when there is luv on the line hahaha. i mean the lesson i learned is, blurt that shit out immediately. dont wait a couple months. just blurt it out and send them a text if they dont want to hang out with you. if they dont want to hang out with you, chances are they picked up on your feelings and just want to ignore and avoid it because its weird for them. you’ll probably still want to tell them. so tell them, rip the bandaid off, and move on with your lives. take 1.7 years of no contact to get over it. the end. very simple hahahaha.

here we go, nice 2 hour show, rock in rio, 2001, decent sound, another rio show has terrible sound. crowd is much more high energy than german crowd in rock am ring.

oh god now im just getting creepy af. i am stalking my work colleagues daughters who are in their 20s and very successful with graduate degrees and great careers making lots of money and establishing themselves very well before age 28, never fooking up, working hard and reaping the rewards. i saw a picture of the older daughter and her husband and i was like, holy shit i think i know that guy. he looks a lot like the brother of an old friend i dont really talk to anymore but his whole fookin family is great great great (and hwyte) people.  very principled and ethical and kind and moral and exactly the type of people that should be having many many many hwyte children. it would be nice for me to contact the older brother i knew. he already has several beautiful hwyte children. so i stalked the younger brother knowing his name of course. only can find 2 public pictures of him with his wife, who is not unattractive hahaha. anyway the younger brother is also a good guy, but a little more on the intellectual side. still a great guy. whole family is AWESOME, no fookups there. even though the older one, well we used to drink a lot hahaha. and he turned out just fine too.

somehow i found out the daughters name and looked up both their names together. i was looking for a wedding announcement but couldnt find. felt creepy stalking this work womans daughter. a successful, attractive professional. she has several children who both quickly got valuable graduate degrees and making like 70k a year by age 26. now she is a very nice good woman and i dont doubt her children and family are the same, i am just a little envious of young people who have their SHIT TOGETHER so well.

now im trying to think of a way to ask the woman, hey is your daughter married to so and so? because how do i explain that one. the impetus was i was watching this 1 minute biography video my colleague did where she had 2 seconds with a photo of her daughter and her husband. kind of a blurry picture. naturally i paused it to gawk at her daughters and the men they chose. and the one guy looked immediately familiar even though its blurry.

now i havent had a great record with blurry pictures. like 3 days ago i looked at a blurry picture of 60 people trying to find that Woman and saw a woman that Kinda Looked like that woman. however that picture was a lot blurrier than this one, so i can say with MUCH more confidence that this man is actually who i think it is.

now he’s a great guy so i have no doubt the daughter chose wisely. but i wasnt nearly as close with this guy as i was with his brother. his brother would just come around and hang out with us sometimes but not all the time. i mean he had his own healthy social and work and school life too.

so basically a SMALL WORLD story here, you see those all the time, but I personally don’t, so its pretty interesting to me.

if i were friends with the guy on facebook, i could easily see pictures of him with his wife and find out more about his wife, and confirm it is the daughter. but i wasnt fb friends with him and i havent even been on fb in 2 years hahahaha.

but yeah. i wish i were more like ANY of these people. those men, or the woman’s daughters. hard working, motivated, persistent, high achieving, making good money in good careers by age 26, having happy lives, happily married, having children.

funny, these daughters are successful high powered highly educated career women, as is the mother, but like the mother, i imagine that they ALSO want to have a husband and children and are not interested in the CC, or, to coin a term, the Cock LADDER. they want the career AND the family, but they aren’t indecently, hypergamously dumping husbands and trying to climb the cock ladder the way they are trying to climb the career ladder.

shit they’re already at the top of the career ladder by age 30.

but the mother has been married for like 30 years, married only once as far as i know, and i feel her good values rubbed off on her daughters. successful educated career women who, despite that, STILL get married pretty young and start having BABIES young. wow. it DOES happen folks, despite all the black pilling we hear about childless cat ladies.

ok, maybe the daughter should have started having children before age 30, shit i dont even know how old she is, i know how old the supposed husband is. basically my age hahahaha. well i think hes a wee bit older. not much though. he’s at a very age-appropriate level of his career. doesnt have the same credentials and prob makes less than she does, but he is prob about equally as ambitious and hard working. he got a useless degree like me but through busting his ass and persistence and confidence, he still made something of himself. having a qt low number gf-then-waifu probably didnt hurt his confidence hahaha. but he prob already had established himself a bit by the time he met her, to pull a Confident Ambitious Career Woman like that. which is always a big risk, but, like i say, I think this girl was raised properly.

its just weird to see ambitious, successful, actually COMPETENT and smart career women, who are ALSO interested in babies and family and not fooking over their husbands and children, and in being good wives and mothers. it can be done. also a good example that Not All Women Are Like That hahaha. if i were a mgtow pvssy i would be totally hemming and hawing like a J about all this hahaha.

818 on a Work Night. not going to bed at 7pm, but around 9pm. trying to relax and calm my mind now by writing, playing some cards, and NOT watching the news. just watching some police procedural show with the volume turned down very low. listened to some maiden earlier but doing so now would just get me too pumped up before bed.

george lincoln rockwell. i should listen and read more to him. ive listened to a few speeches and interviews and liked them. i just keep forgetting about him.

this one is prob pretty good hahahaha. not confirmed. i can confirm he was a great speaker, was very J wise, and wow people are applauding him at UCLA in 1967. well i guess things didnt start getting really J’d until 1968. well how did he feel about vietnam hehehe. ok sounds like he was against it. but not because he luved commies and hated americans.

i know that he hated commies and traitors, and his wife left him for his beliefs, the navy took away his pension for his beliefs, and he was assassinated at too young of an age by antifa.

holy shit, very good speaker. shit you cant even get richard spencer at UCLA or Brown like Rockwell was. not bashing Spencer. just saying he is a WEE BIT lower energy than Rockwell, and that universities have gotten even worse on Freeze Peach.

so yeah his stuff is just as relevant now as it was then. really should spend money to get his books.

well isnt it principled of an official UCLA youtube channel to post the GLR speech at UCLA hahahaha. im sure they say its so people can have a record of this foaming venomous HATE, a chilling reminder etc, like how people talk about triumph of the will. a chilling reminder hehehe.

fook that shit i watch it for fun and good feels and inspiration hahahaha.

ok i guess he was killed by a disgruntled member of his party. probably a fed hahahahahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margr%C3%A9t_%C3%9E%C3%B3ra_Hallgr%C3%ADmsson

holy shit his wife is still alive and they had 3 children. begs the question haahahha.

hope GLR was a good father to them. i know Dr Pierce was not a great father to his children and thats the one thing I dont like about Pierce.

now the ANP never really went anywhere and i dont know. maybe the time wasnt right. but stuff like DS and TRS are much much more relevant and valuable and powerful. better optics, better people hehehe. but GLR was a total top goy. we can all learn something from this wise and courageous man.  and war hero.

really hankering for another public appearance by some good goys, like what spencer did at TAMU like 3 months ago. we need shit like that EVERY DAY, not every few MONTHS. i think spencers planning something though. i hope.

would be nice to have a nice low number gf to cuddle and listen to GLR speeches for hours. watch die hard. watch triumph of the will. knowing that she liked hanging out with me more than with tons of other guys.

 

 

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HUHWHYTE HUHWHORKERS

wed aug 2

looked up the amount of money i spent during muh unemployment and was horrified and disgusted. i am not a big spender! but somehow i spent a lot of money! essentially blew through a Larger Than Average Emergency Fund!!!!!!!!

heh. the hugest expenses were, by far, car related (aka useless shit tier insurance) and going to see the SHRINK. everything else was DWARFED in comparison to that. even going out to restaurants to play my weekly game was NOTHING in comparison to those two things. also the local grocery store / supermarket was a big thing, but thats not surpirsing.

i made 152 dollars on mturk hehehehe.

yep. car insurance, shrink, and grocery store were biggest expenses because i dont have to pay rent like NORMIES because i am a neet. now, the grocery store should involve a lot of stuff that i am buying for the fam, and or gifts for them. spent more on gifts for them .

cant break down the many categories of stuff i bought at the grocery store, which also includes gas, clothes, food, nonfood.

also its funny that shitty, useless, absolutely cheapest car insurance was the #1 biggest expense. and Budget Shrink once a month was a little below that. my biggest entertainment expense, my weekly, sometimes twice weekly game, didnt even come close. or me buying clothes like a madman. spend 488 dollars on clothing. and that was all this year. well from july to dec 2015 i was pretty much completely dead.

i mean i try to “give money to muh fam” whenever i possibly can by buying them stuff, because they refuse to Charge Me Rent like a Normie fam would, like they SHOULD, because not to is to enable muh neetism, so i fight against that by essentially slipping money into their wallet when they arent looking hahahahaha.

https://mint.lc.intuit.com/questions/1136258-trying-to-change-a-category-not-working

this is exactly the kind of tech support my old company would give, the type of “advice” that woman was great at giving. somebody says the feature is not working. tech support assumes the user is doing it wrong, and gives the the “right” steps. this is exactly what the user IS doing….and it is not working. there CLEARLY is a technical issue that needs to be looked at and acted on by the company. but they sit their silent and just imply that you’re doing it wrong.

spent 369 on muh weekly hobby during muh 17 months of shitty neetness. honestly less than i expected. but oh yeah one place doesnt take credit cards. all this data is coming from muh credit card. i do not use cash anymore for this very reason. analytics. data. reports. trends.

took benedryl because i got the hankering to sm0ke MJ…..but of course i dont have any. might have some in jan 2019 god willing. 2 more years. legal MJ hehehehe. hope to get it on the ballot in 2018, where it would PROBABLY pass, but it possibly could not pass. maybe 60 40 odds hehehehe. of passing.

shit i would even be willing to take a TINY dose of mushrooms. but it has to be TINY. i would rather not feel anything than feel anything. because a bad trip is just not worth it. at all. it will put you into a world of panic, dread, emptiness, despair, fear, hopelessness, death hahahahaha. but good trips can give you the opposite of all that. and that is what i am looking for.

always take less of whatever drug it is. you know who tells you to take MORE? druggie degenerates. OVEN YOURSELF.

i am happy i have totally resisted the urge to type that womans name into google and try to stalk her that way. prob find her linkedin and instagram where she is posting images of her fooking negros hahahahahaha. making spelling errors and poor writing on her linkedin for her Tough Stressful Job where she makes a lot more money than me.

her name getting in the News for being so good at her Career she became an Expert. or maybe doing Activism for one of her Causes. or she went back to school, got highest honors, and is getting a Grad or Law degree.

i mean she doesnt have a unique name so when i searched her before all this shit happened, like in oct 14 to june 15 when i was in luv with her, she wouldnt even be on the first 2 or 3 pages of google. just other people with her same name.

now if you search my name on google, you immediately get my linkedin, my twitter, on the very top of the first page, and i am happy with that. but i really SHOULD have many company and skool awards and blurbs about honors and awards ive won, me and my unique name just got promoted, just spearheaded a 50 million dollar project, etc. got married to a beautiful 22 year old gurl, had a 3rd child, bought a house in a 100% huhwhyte neighborhood, etc, getting respect from respected people, etc.

but yeah. if someone wanted to get in touch with me, they could find my email address REAL easy. SHE could find my email address if she just googled muh name. moron probably couldnt spell it right hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i am so desperate for her to google me, find the email, and contact me. because she blocked my email and deleted it so she doesn’t know what it is anymore hehehehehe. and she desperately wants to apologize to me and luv me, but she doesnt’ know how to contact me. what bullshit. then she could contact at least 2 people we mutually know. or have someone do that for her. or type my name into google. she OBVIOUSLY doesnt WANT to.

WANT. WILL. WILLINGNESS. are you WILLING to do this. this WILLINGNESS is the most important thing. I dont care if anyone ever UNDERSTANDS me. that’s way too much to ask. i would never expect that. i dont even udnerstand myself. i just want them to luv me hahahaha. thats way better than Understanding. I guess LISTENING is important though. but understanding really isnt. i will never complain about being MISUNDERSTOOD. well, except that she misunderstood my motives. yeah that i care a lot about. not being seen as a niceguy who betrayed her by wiating in the wings, waiting to pounce, ulterior motives etc.

benedryl. makes a man tired hehehehe.

dec 24

heh. xmas eve. benedryl last night. was tired. crashed into bed, slept pretty Well, but past 830 am i could not get back to sleep. even though i still felt tired and groggy and sleepy. still do now at 953 am. sleepy but you cant sleep. so i just am thankful i slept a few hours later than muh New Normal wake up time of 515 am.

i was always anti authority. when i was young i disliked and had no respect for my teachers. well the majority of them. some of them i liked. but i never thought, wow, i LUV this teacher, I want to be a teacher when I Grow Up. I said, this is a sucky profession, it attracts mean nasty people, those who cant do teach hahahaha, and those who cant teach teach at my school hahaha. (and the corrolary of this really pretty offensive maxim is, those who DO, cant teach!)

so why bother trying to teach or learn anything. just sm0ke weed all day and jerk off, try to bang sluts.

in high school i had a better understanding and more respect for teachers or teaching. but i knew the teachers in my private skool made way less money than the rich, lazy, spoiled, entitled public skool teachers, who also didnt give any homework and made skool fun and easy for their students, and 16 yo old gurls were throwing themselves at you in these public schools.

but my teachers were men of principle! who would then be a bit autistic, weird, or mean. maybe they were just butthurt they couldnt get a sweet public skool job.

and of course now i understand that public skool teachers dont really do that well, and you either do SUB jobs till you’re 30 years old, or get a job in the absolute worst, blackest, ghettoest district, and those Plum Teacher Jobs are simply going extinct because, big surprise, they cost the schools too much money. fookin boomers hahahahaha. way to kill the golden goose. fookin joos hahahaha. like the scorpion and the frog.

anyway now i appreciate what teachers do. will stand up for teachers against the teacher-haters, which i used to be. while being even more certain that i would never want this thankless, super stressful job.

old school boomer working class HATE teachers because they only work 6 months out of the year, only work 6 hours a day hahahaha, and see it as the easiest job ever.

but basically when i was IN high school and especially grade school, i wish i had more respect for the teachers heheheheh.

still i dont think thats what screwed me up though. maybe it was just my general disrespect for authority. i didnt’ think anyone knew what they were talking about. i know just as well as they do. well no i sure as fook didnt! well what do THEY know, they’re just underpaid losers at this private skool who couldnt get a sweet public school job! their wife left them and their kids hate them!

also i was butthurt that i “had to” go to a private skool with no gurls. cuz i was absolutely OBSESSED with secs and gurls, even more than i am now. truth is, if i had gone to one of those fantasy public school paradises, i probably would have been bullied by the boys AND rejected by the girls, for being an omega male hehehehe.

then i went to college and the “teachers” here were wildly successful. they were professors at a famous university. of course they were respected, their wives didnt leave them. there were shitloads of beautiful 18-21 year old gurls. and i didnt know how to deal with them. i was frozen in fear and couldnt bring myself to talk to them.

yep 33 inch pants would be just perfect. this means i must continue to lose weight until 32 inch pants would be just perfect.

i guess Dr Phil would be a celebrity, well know, famous version of the type of profession i could see myself doing. helping people with their emotional, relship, family, behavior problems.

who are other famous shrinks? dr keith ablow I hear is pretty good. i hear Dr Laura is pretty good although a J.

i guess tel aviv is the party city of israhell. beaches and clubs and all that. 20 year old israeli gurls in tiny bathing suits. who have absolutely no respect for secs as the life creating act. just want to have fun fun fun. and i absolutely would never want to have babies with them hahahaha. shit yeah i would race mix with them. basically any light skinned 20 year old gurl i would race mix with.  would never make babies with.

maybe i want to be like roosh, traveling the world and banging 20 year old sluts. it really doesnt sound bad. i mean i wish more of these white sluts turned him down. all of them. i dont want white women to be sluts and ESPECIALLY not race mixing sluts going for swarthy persians.

i apologize to intuit tech support because i wrote a kinda nasty comment to them on their shitty tech support article where it appeared there was a bug in the program, then right after i read the shitty article and left the nasty comment that prob wont get read anyway, the program started working again. but i swear i was doing it right! what the hell was i doing wrong? it wasnt a complicated process, it was jsut trying to change the category of a transaction. from what it is defaulted to, to something of my choosing. important necessary feature sure.

well i never attack level 1, i basically attack level 2 and above. for letting shitty service continue. for treating customers like idiots. passing the buck and giving me the runaround. i want a level 2 person to tell me WHEN this is going to be fixed. if its a month or 6 months, FINE. just let me know that poeple who CAN fix it are AWARE of it and PLAN on fixing it. dont just give me a patronizing poorly written response telling me what ive ALREADY DONE. do you really think I’m THAT STUPID. again, I know this isnt the level1 person’s fault. really they should just do away with level 1 and make level2 the new level1. essentially meaning, give the level1s about 100 times more training so they dont always seem so damn inexperienced. but yeah thats a thankless job. even worse than teaching hahahaha. its like teaching something you dont even KNOW. forget knowing how to DO. its teaching shit youve never HEARD OF before.

there were people in uni who took about the same ballpark of MJ as i did, and they turned out fine, ie, 6 gorillion times more successful than me, wife, kids, etc. probably the alcohol did more damage than the MJ. but the MJ did do damage too. because i would rather sm0ke MJ than attack my schoolwork aggressively. i wasnt so much shirking muh skoolwork to DRINK. but i did binge drink a lot on occasion. i honestly do think i did more stupid destructive shit because of MJ though. yeah. actually the MJ i think did more damage than the alcohol. at THAT time. but AFTER uni, the alcohol def did more damage than the MJ. now i dont drink any more and I Romanticize MJ and put it on a pedastal like it was a perfect waifu.

even though its obviously NOT! it makes me paranoid and anxious and panicky and nervous and awkward and lazy and neurotic and jooish and weak!

ive never had a royal straight flush or a nonroyal straight flush but i have had quads quite a few times. is that normal?

got ghoul surf the kali yuga shirt in mail on dec 24. i did not “need” it by xmas and I would rather the poor USPS slaves not slave on xmas eve, xmas day, or saturdays, or sunday amazon deliveries. or midnight shifts at the PO. or split shifts. or PSEs or casuals. i would pay more in shipping for those things.

i should join heimbachs traditionalist workers party because by god am i SERIOUS about Workers Rights, but also by god am I SERIOUSLY against all the leftist marxist jooish revolutionary commie SHIT The Labor Movement supports. I mean they are the leftest of the left and that’s very disappointing. it should not be that way. and maybe A True Populist Movement can give a better way than that.  right wing, traditionalist, JQ Aware, Huhwhyte Huhwhorkers.

all time, i have given 155 dollars to alt right causes. this includes tshirts which should PROBABLY be split because the entire cost of the tshirt does not go to the alt right guy, not even half, it goes to the jooish tshirt company. well, at least the company that does TRS’s tshirts is not jooish at all, and I wrote them a note with my order complimenting them for this.

anyway the size L ghoul shirt fits fine. i was worried about moving down from an XL tshirt to an L. DONT BE. just dont gain the god damn weight back.

hmm bitcoin peaking at like 890 dollars. quickly gonna sell 20 usd worth. buy low, sell high. and it is high. peaked and starting to come down. ok sold 25 USD. makin monay hahahaha.

going into mint and categorizing and recategorizing a bunch of shit.

http://www.tradworker.org/platform/

pretty good outlining of a political and MORAL platform hehehehe. dont know if heimbach is still involved here. welp there is nothing on the site for dnating.

 

 

DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED

oct 26

ok  done with interview for PT 15 an hour job. 1500 hours a year max. 24 to 32 hours depending on the department. 3 openings, 3 diff departments. one is def more customer oriented. hope they dont pick me for THAT one because i said i was good at dealing with difficult customers. yeeeesh.  yikes. oy vey. so just do a shitty job, quit, and never work for this org again hahahaha when it is DEF one of my Top Orgs To Work For. great benefits, close to home, unfireable, stable secure job, union.

talked to 3 people, including a handsome young man who i learned is about 3 or 4 years younger than me and he has a Controller position, because he Chose A Good Life with Hard Work, and has a BS in Accounting, an MBA with focus on Taxation, a CPA, so hence he’ll always have a GREAT job. why didnt I just Be Like Him. I joked that I did poorly on the accounting portion of the test, but that I was just rusty and I can brush up on my Accounting Fundamentals.

3 people in the room grilling me hahahahaha. no they were all nice enough. I got emails from all. i have def gotten better at that. just getting emails from EVERYONE in the room.

i need a full 20 ounce mug of strong coffee JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING to be somewhere at 8:30 am hahahahaha.

meaning i pour the mug the night before, leave it on my table next to the bed, set alarm 15 to 20 minutes before i want to get up, then drink the coffee while laying in bed and watching weather and news, then pull self out of bed.

i would NOT want to still have to MAKE the coffee. I just want to REACH out of bed and GRAB a full mug of awesome room temperature coffee thats been sitting out all night. this truly does make it a lot easier to get up. i have been doing this for years. i dont regret it one bit. i RECOMMEND it to ANYBODY.

interview was at 9 am, i got there at like 8:15, i like getting their SUPER early and prepping in the car.

actual interview was less than 30 minutes. they didnt rush me PER SE, but i got the impression there were other people waiting. plus its a part time job hahahaha. i said As You Can Imagine, my ultimate goal is a FT job with this org, would this PT person have access to The Secret Internal FT Postings? yes yes they would.

anyway thats it for this week. did not get great sleep last night. i mean i can TOTALLY get used to getting up EARLY in the morning……but it HAS to be REGULAR. i need a ROUTINE. after a few days or a week of that, i will get used to going to bed earlier and getting up at 6am, 5am. shit i got up at 6 am today to get ready for being there at 9am.

so if i got this other job that starts at 8 am, id have to get up a FIVE am every day. well especially cuz that one is further away. a whopping 14 miles away. this place today is only 4 miles away. also i get up SUPER early, ive NEVER been a sleep in as late as possible and Rush To Work in the NIck of Time. downside is that eats up valuable sleeping time.

/r/relships. i cant stop reading it, its SO ridiculous. some of it is good, some of it is fooking awful.

it DOES NOT help that 80% of the shit is by women for women. i wish there was a relship sub for men by men. it makes a big difference. cuz women dont know what theyre talking about, ever. hahahahahaha. terrible judgment, terribly wrong. WRONG. hahahaha. WRONG.

heh. the other bad thing about getting up early is, you are now awake 16 hours a day and have to figure out how to eat only 1200 calories. you are Hungry More because you are too used to Sleeping through those hours when you are hungry. like its 11am and i am STARVING even though I had some Cereal around 7 am. 350 calories. shit. 390 calories cereal and milk.

degree in account, masters in taxation, cpa. this is fooking AWESOME. i hear the masters in tax is one of the better masters you can get. this guy formerly worked with a well known accounting firm for 5 years. kinda surprised he is working where he is now. youd think it would be beneath him.

now he did not go to a name school………but the school he went to is actually kinda well regarded for accounting. which is exactly what he did. why didnt i choose that life hahahahaha.

i just saw him and i was like WHOA this guys the CONTROLLER? hes a KID!!!!!!!!!!

I guess there is Financial Director who is one step above him though.

see the stupid women would say this si just fine, stop trying to control her, you jealous abuser.

not even seeing that essentially the male FWB rejected her because SHE wanted MORE, and now they’re still just friends and hang out and talk constantly.

DONT SUCK A GUYS DICK ON THE THRID DATE!!!!! THATS DEGENERATE!!!! NIHILISTIC!!!!!!!!!

that was a different one hehehe.

its not INTENTIONALLY nihilistic. i mean they think its about FUN and who knows this might turn out to be the one, but lets just have some spontaneous fun in the moment.

fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. all about fun. muh dick.

i mean yeah its HEDONISM not nihilism per se, but IMHO hedonism is pretty damn nihilistic at root. i mean women arent capable of understanding that, most men arent either. but all white men are capable. nto sure about white women. maybe some are capable. ive never met one hahahahaha. no thats patently false, i certainly have met decent, nonhedonistic women that werent all muh dick muh dick muh clit muh orgasms muh fun casual fwb secs.

jeff daniels looks like slavoj zizek in this movie hahahahahaha

i mean is zizek really THAT cool? probably not, folks, probably not. why the hell did i ever like him in the first place? because he spouted pseudointellectual crap. that at its core is JOOISH as hell: critical theory, frankfurt skool POISON. but he made getting a phd in philosophy seem really Sexy to a 21 year old.

SIXTY dollars to see nick cave? thats almost as bad as fifty dollars to see morrissey. but i like nick cave a lot better. but thank god i have already had the PRIVILEGE of seeing nick cave. not many people can say that hahahahaha. and it was an even more outstanding show than you would expect. i almost DONT want to see him again because that is a high standard to exceed. also i dont really like his new album. but i should see him just to see him right? but 60 bucks? damn.

imean if it were tom waits I totally would. or neil young, in a theater of this size, with crazy horse for SURE, and hopefully less than 60 bucks.

not many people on muh bucket list. maybe bob dylan but thats a big maybe.

well tom petty would be nice. yeah id go see him. but prob not for 60 bucks. or in a gay ass outdoor theater full of drunk trash.

who else. maybe some black metal. or metal in general. judas priest, iron maiden, never saw them, missed shows by both in the past year, too lazy. i mean i had the TIME!

yeah i would pay 80 bucks to see darkthrone hahaha. or varg vikernes. or muh buddy mikko.

anyway.

i might have been ok with casual secs if i had ever had any sort of FWB thing work out. for example, women2004 and 2005, they just wanted casual dating ie secs ie casual FUN. I was like NO i want a serious rel so they dumped me because they didnt WANT a serious rel.  BUT I could have gotten a LOT of secs out of them if I had just said lets keep it casual. so in hindsight i wish i had done that, just so i could have had a lot of secs with some qt young gurls. instead i had secs like 2 times. better than nothing but still.

i mean theyre not horrible people for wanting what they want and rejecting me because i wasnt that. well, beyond the fact that what they wanted is………….pretty degenerate. but then again, some of my wants are pretty degen too, like wanting to smoke MJ, or being open to casual secs. (but not actively seeking it out.)

but i am so inexperienced with secs, that i automatically confuse secs with feelings.

THIS ISNT REALLY “CONFUSION!” ITS THE NATURAL WAY! IT IS RIGHT AND JUST AND NORMAL!!! WHATS NOT NORMAL IS THE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO UNTANGLE THEM!!!!!

DO NOT SEPARATE WHAT THE LORD HAS BOUND TOGETHER!!! hahahaha.

or, DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED!!!!!!!!! if you prefer that.

young girls wanting casual sex, and old men wanting serious feelings secs.

SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE, IT IS BAD TO TRY TO MAKE IT CASUAL. IT CANT BE CASUAL.

that ultimately is the END OF DISCUSSION.

so yeah me and these women had Incompatible Values.

AND they made an EFFORT to give me Common Courtesy and Respect when they Dumped me! they made an effort not to add insult to injury! so i appreciate that now.

DONT ADD INSULT TO INJURY!!!!!!!!

maybe i should become a Christian Counselor. there are tons of them. is it any easier than becoming a Non Religious Counselor? as far as degrees, licensing, etc.

i cant see it being any easier getting a license from the state, but i could be wrong.

if youre being charged with a heinous crime, WHY NOT perjure yourself rather than taking the 5th amendment hahahaha.  just watching law and order. i guess this show could inspire a young person to become a cop or a lawyer.

anyway i never stalked her. dont know why i have to PROVE this. i guess because the women of reddit would say that sending emails is STALKING.

yeah ok i DID send probably too many emails, but after a month of that, I was DONE. FINISHED. COMPLETELY.

I sent 4 emails in 1 month. 3 of them were pretty long. does that make me an evil stalker? no it just makes me sad and desperate and pathetic.

also if she had said stop sending me emails, i probably would have hahahahaha. or maybe just sent one more hahahaha.

the worst i did was crane my neck to try to look for her car in the parking lot of her workplace as i drove by the workplace which was ON the most direct route to my destination. and if i get that job then i wont go 2 miles out of my way just to NOT drive by that other place every day. i might even crane my neck again. but its not like im pulling into the parking lot and sitting there waiting for her!!!!! that WOULD be creepy!!! i dont WANT to be a creep! but also women think everything is creepy. plus i can totally understand why men do creepy things.

anyway. i guess i would like sluts more if i had more benefits from those sluts. but really womens Sexual Desire has led them away from boring old me. I am always at odds with Female Sexual Desire, Fighting it, trying to keep it from straying away from me, trying to hold on to it.

yeah i guess i am TRYING too hard. you should have to TRY this hard to “maintain somebodys interest” in you.

but yeah i am now done with my week o interviews and can start applying to jobs again hahahaha.

i mean TWO of these three jobs I would REALLY like. these are some strong jobs to get your hopes up for.

how have i never seen this dark haired woman cop on law and order. she is very attractive, would bang/10. but is she jooish? this is like early 2000s, she is partner with black male cop, hopefully doesnt mudshark with him, sam waterston is still the DA. i think this is just Straight Up Regular Law and Order, not SVU or any of that.

milena govich. obvious a yugo sort of name. potentially jooish. wiki says serbian (and scottish.) well yeah the NAME is SERBIAN, just like STEIN is GERMAN. thats not what Im ASKING hahahahahahahaha.

2006-7, det nina cassidy.

i just dont know. i think she is a goy but you never know with these sneaky J’s, ive been fooled before. i would casually bang her while waiting for the 23 and me results HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES I have a FILTER, I know what things you should and should not say around WOMEN. I wouldnt say ANYTHING I say on here around women.

but yeah i dont want to be a creep, or a niceguy, or an abuser, or the jealous type, or a controller, or any of that stuff. but maybe i AM ok with being a “woman hater” hahahaha i mean how can any woke man not be hahahaha.

maybe i like proving to them that i have good enough social skills so they cant slander me as creepy. i dont say or do inappropriate things, but my god do i judge the hell out of women when they are not around.

and i dont feel bad about judging women. i dont mind being called a Woman JUDGER!!!!!! i mean thats what i do, i judge women!!!!!!

but in the social world, I treat them with respect. EVEN IF THEY DONT DESERVE IT!!!!! i really wouldnt treat ANYONE with disrespect until after they treated ME with disrespect.

i mean everyone makes mistakes, even That Woman doesnt deserve to be hurt even though she hurt me, because she didnt have intent, and even if she DID, it would still be better karma for me to just Let It Go, and no i dont want her to get hurt really bad. i mean i would like her to learn a lesson. but she was just stupid and weak, i was stupid and weak, and ultimately i was the one who got hurt more, a lot more.

now i mean feel different about someone who did something MORE hostile and intentional, like cheating or accusing me of abuse or something. totally lying and betraying me.

i dont do sketchy or bad shit with women. i dont DO anything really immoral. the most immoral i get is have JUDGEY THOUGHTS. i dont have thoughts about hurting or abusing or mistreating women. I just have thoughts of jdugement and disgust and contempt. but i dont ACT on these thoughts! I try not to do ANY immoral actions! because MORALITY is VERY VERY IMPORTANT to me!!!!!!!

1200 CALORIE DIET!!!!!

i guarantee you. if you eat only 1200 calories a day, you WILL lose weight even without exercise.

you will also be hungry at all times.

well some say 1200 for women, 1800 for men. that 1200 is the absolutely healthy minimum for WOMEN, who need less calories than men anyway.

so maybe 1200 is not even Healthy For Me. well, moot point now that I blew right by it by 150 calories and also today is muh cheat day too and i will be eating again later!

 

 

incel neet virgin 26 year old brother is resentful of his 20 year old NORMIE brother who can get a GF hehehehe. reddit shames the incel neet as a creepy woman hater, anyone who “unironically uses the word NORMIE after high school” is one of these hahaha.

now i dont MIND being friends with women like this guy seems to……but im not sure having Women Friends makes you any more likely to make a woman want to Be With you in a secsy way. you just get the friendzone hahahahahahahahaha. you can relate to women as human beings to your hearts content….in the friendzone hahahaha.  but yeah i guess i’ll admit that when you have a woman friend, it DOES make them seem more human, less alien, more knowable. but it makes all the more THIRSTY for a gf too. because youre like well now i actually KNOW a woman, this isnt so bad! but now I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a GF! I had forgotten what its like to even be NEAR a woman and to have a woman show ANY INTEREST in me! it feels good and i want what the NORMIES have!

anyway i am not as bad as that guys brother. i can control myself around women at least and dont do anything really creepy. plus i had secs once 12 years ago with the help of alcohol hahahahahahaha.

the first time he saw a tit? hasnt he ever watched jooish porn? not that i recommend it.

does he have a JOB? is he EMPLOYED? surprised this was never mentioned by the commenters. probably not, hes prob a damn neet.

i mean just like having a gf or at least a fwb is the litmus test of a NORMIE, so is having an at least average job. making at least 13 bucks an hour.

well, we did have some incels making 15 an hour at my last job hahahaha.

reddit. a bunch of damn degenerate nonvirgins SHAMING the morally superior virgins and calling them creepy and disturbed and elliott rodger, just because they dont fook like a bunch of NEGROES hahahahahaha.

these “social nerds” are an interesting bunch, i knew a lot in university. they were “weird” and “anti establishment” and “non conformist” but they were FAR from social outcasts, and had a ton of friends, and GF’s, sex experience, Relship experience, all from a young age, and turned out being successful normies with wives and children hahahahahaha.

NORMIES.

DIRTY NONVIRGIN NORMIES hahahahahaha.

PIGS, DOGS, DISGUSTING ANIMALS hahahahahahahaha.

” He’ll never figure out how to get a girlfriend until he starts treating women like people rather than games that you have to win to get romance and sex. ”  hehehehe but……….its that accurate? except they are not as fun or easy as a game. its a frustrating sick game.

well not even. the “game”, as designed by god/nature, its not sick. its sensible, and technically fair. it’s not pretty though. and it REALLY sucks to be on the losing end. and it REALLY sucks when Women Deny Their Privilege.

i guess thats just like ME denying WHITE privilege and MALE privilege, huh????????????????????

so……..if i can acknowledge that privilege exists, specifically FEMALE privilege…………….

……….does it not follow that its POSSIBLE that OTHER kinds of privilege exist?

and that I might benefit from it?

but, like women, I spit in its face and deny it?

so i dislike women who do the same thing I am doing?

yeah but i believe women DO have certain advantages/privileges in the mating game. i mean SOME men have their own privileges here….but not most men.

also, my idea of Female Privilege in the Mating Game comes from a pretty Traditionalist, Reactionary, Alt Right, Rightist, NON MARXIST way of thinking.

Ideas about White Privilege and Male Privilege, that all comes from MARXIST BULLSHIT.

they are all saying what a horrifying, dark, awful place the incel sub is. i dont doubt that its DARK, and i dont want to link to it or even READ it because Im sure its very negative……..but dont say these are awful people. youd be this way too if you were a hugless virgin neet incel who CANT EVEN GET IN THE FRIENDZONE hahahahaha.

note: i never use the word friendzone seriously. its impossible for me to “get put in” the friendzone. i will just say, baby, i dont want to be just friends, lets take a time out here. or thats what i would say if they agreed to talk to me hahahaha.

im perfectly fine being friends with women IF I dont want anything more. AND IF THEY dont want anything more. not that ive ever experienced that. but god damn. i know women are HUMANS.

just like negros and joos and mudslims are humans too, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no, white women rank above all of those, hahahahahahaha.

but yeah its just heartbreaking when a woman you like would rather hang out with CHEATERS, DRUG ADDICTS, DRUNKS, DEADBEATS, ABUSERS, and NEGROES, rather than hang out with YOU.

ive certainly linked this album before. a few posts ago. it def has its place. right now i am drawing attention to 3:34, “summer of the diabolical holocaust”. “natassja in eternal sleep” is such a strong, timeless opener, that i sometimes forget the next song is just as strong.

again, good headphones and ideally good speakers, played LOUD, for maximum effect, considering the ridiculous production. note the insane distorted bass sound and drum sound, esp the floor tom. ridiculous celtic frost riff in the middle here, with ridiculous “solo” on top of it.

the guitar tone kinda sucks on this album….kind of. but i wouldnt change it either!

and TED’s vokills are possibly his best ever. truly literally a man possessed here.

i would say turn it up LOUD and DEFINITELY smoke a huge MJ to this one, get nice and blazed. oh god. wish i could.

and then cuddle up with nice waifu while doing that.

well, for that, we would just listen to one song, while I Mansplained the significance of the music. listening to the whole album with a grill would be pretty weird. metal grills are huge immoral sluts anyway. degen nihilists hahaha.

hard to believe they were only like 21 when doing this album. to make an album that you just appreciate more and more as you get older. into your Mid Thirties.

I think i was familiar with this album when I was 21, or at least close to it. I liked it……but I didnt GET it as much as I do now.

like i certainly dont like other albums LIKE this.

anyway yeah great album for the Turning Of Seasons, like when its really becoming Fall/Autumn. definitely some magic in this album.

but yeah you DO need to listen to it LOUD. it Literally sounds better that way.

it is amazing how much Variation and Diversity there is in darkthrone. UAFM and TH are both super freezing cold black metal albums, but they sound fairly different. i guess a big thing is that the tempo and rhythm NEVER change on TH, and on other DT albums, they change in every song.

yeah theres a damn good reason DT is a such a NAME.

heh these reddit nonvirgin normies shaming the virgins. there answer for everything is “DUDE NEEDS HELP.” WOW. JUST…..I CANT EVEN. YASSSS. HE NEEDS THERAPY. THERAPY PROBABLY WOULDNT EVEN HELP HIM. HE NEEDS TO KEEP TRYING THERAPISTS TILL HE FIND SOMEONE WHO WORKS. HIS ONLY CHANCE IS A LIFE OF THERAPY IF HE EVER WANTS A GF……….AND EVEN THEN IT PROB WONT WORK. CUZ HES TOO TOXIC AND NEGATIVE AND WEIRD AND CREEPY AND RAPEY AND JUDGEY. EW. UGH. GROSS. NOT OK. HE NEEDS A LOT OF HELP.

Yeah i agree he probably does need some help but i dont think its hopeless. these are exactly the type of guys i would want to help. with my unlicensed christian therapy group. we would go out and grab women by the pvssy and call them fat pigs, slobs, dogs, and disgusting animals. hahahahahahahahaha.

hey might as well listen to TH right after UAFM. now theres an experience you should be grateful for.

heh. I remember I bought TH on CD and that was one of muh first serious black metal albums. that, burzum debut, emperor “nightside eclipse”, burzum HLTO, DT panzerfaust. i picked some good ones for babbys first black metal albums eh? but i remember seeing phil anselmo in a pantera picture wearing a DT TH t shirt and i was like whoa that looks hardcore hahahaha what does that logo even say???

and then i bought the cd and mainly liked the first song and was like why isnt the rest of the album as good, i mean its a really simple formula.

but then it really grows on you hahahaha. and then it becomes one of your desert island best black metal albums of all time.

when i was a young angry virgin, i might have thought DT understood my hateful, sorrowful feels hahahaha. when really they were a bunch of HEDONISTIC, DEGEN NORMIE NONVIRGINS, smoking MJ and partying and getting with SLUTS. more like NORMIETHRONE amirite????

anyway, yeah i guess if all you listen to is TH, its easy to think DT is a fairly “ATMOSPHERIC” BM band, but they really arent hahaha. they are more of celtic frost beer chugging normies.

but yeah its timeless, beautiful stuff you will CHERISH the rest of your life. when i get married to my pure virgin white waifu, I will play nothing but BLACK METAL at the reception hahahaha. totally make it all about me and everyone else can suck my dick, im gonna play like 8 hours of straight black metal at my wedding hahahahaha.

no but i mean i have to play at least one black metal song. but what the hell would it be? i mean it would be burzum or darkthrone. maybe I should just play TWO black metal songs.  transilvanian hunger and jesus dod. hahaha.

well i was invited to a social thing tomorrow and i decided to Just Say Yes because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I should say YES to, so i did. its exactly because i dont go to things, that i dont get invited to things any more….so kinda want to break that pattern.

oct 27

ive always liked sitting down and writing about muh self and muh feels, total narcissist, but unfort i think this has helped CAUSE some of my issues, because i always take the wrong lesson, or get in too negative of an attitude. the women thing is the perfect example. writing here i sound like incel virgin maniac r9k elliot rodger, but i am not really like that in real life!!!! at worst i am socially anxious and shy, but never super creepy or weird! i am even nice and nonjudgmental to total trashy sluts, i just see them as people who have had hard, unlucky lives, had their good noble nature nurtured out of them, its not their faultttttttttttt. basically i will treat people well until they treat me badly. even if they are a dirty slut. until them being a dirty slut directly hurts ME, I will be nice to them.

(soundcloud giving errors, deleted link. google fenriz radio soundcloud.)

oh here is fenriz’s radio show, archive of many of them, actually doesnt sound horrible hahahahaha. i mean i am kinda jealous of his ability to enjoy new music at 45 years of age, my mind is pretty much closed to all that. i still want him to have a family. find a decent wife and have some kids. shit he can still listen to metal. he talks about listening to metal 16 hours a day or something. im not even AWAKE 16 hours a day! now a family man needs to be awake 23 hours a day working and providing and protecting and securing, but working fathers can still have interests and hobbies, he could still listen to his precious metal hahahahaha.

well i do like documentaries and here is one on peste noire. who i like because famine is a fairly right wing douchebag who hates foreigners. and i like a couple of his songs. and i want to determine how right wing and nationalist he really is. of course, i think he needs to stop drinking and living a degen lifestyle, be more like varg!!!

look at this handsome white man, in beautiful nature. this is what we SHOULD think of when we think of FRANCE…..not a jooified degenerate brown hellhole that france is turning into. famine does drink too much and should stop drinking and have children tho. although i thought it was hilarious that he made an obnoxious fart joke hahahaha. showing what he thinks of these media k1kes hahahaha. well really i dont know anything about the makers of this film.

i know weev gets lots of demand from the k1k3 media for interviews, but he straight up tells them, fook off and die k1k3, im not giving you an interview unless you pay me a lot of money, you can look up stuff ive said on the internet. PAY ME if you want to talk to me. and my rate is not cheap. im taking my pound of flesh back from you vampires. this is a great way to be. so i hope the people that made this doc were either not corrupt “skypes”, or they paid famine decent money to talk to them. i do believe famine, degen farting drinker he may be, but i think he still has artistic integrity hahahaha.

 

 

new vidya where varg talks about fenriz. he says a lot of good things about fenriz, that he is smart, funny, charming, easy to like, friendly. he says he is one of the smartest most intelligent people he met back in the day. and also that he is very honorable and ethical and tries to do the right thing and be an honorable man. but that his tragic flaw is that he drinks too much and this might compromise him.

now varg is talking about fenriz 25 years ago. but as a 20 year old man, whenever young varg met young fenriz, fenriz was always drinking beer and getting drunk. so i can totally relate with that. whenever I was socializing at around that age, i was drinking.

varg says fenriz is a good man but he hopes he has cut down on the drinking. i would agree because drinking too much is never good. and if you have ever seen videos of fenriz, he is often drinking in them. so yeah i hope he is not a Full Blown Alcoholic. i dont think he is because uhhhh he would have ruined his life by now. lost his job at the post office, stopped doing albums, in and out of rehab or jail, plus he looks fairly healthy.

so yeah i think hes got it under control but i cant help agree with varg that alcohol clouds your judgement.

i am kinda in between varg and fenriz then! i started out more fenrizy and am becoming more vargy. but yeah i always got the impression that fenriz was a decent True Blue Cobber sort of guy, and I  am glad to hear Varg saying so, as Varg seems to be the same way. Morality Matters.

I know fenriz was in a deep depression for a few years…..did he drink more during that time? how did he come out of it? how does he keep from going back? what kind of women and people does he hang out with? he seems pretty social. how much does he really drink? why did his marriage end? was that related to his depression?

these are the important questions to me hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant help but feel he is capable of even more, that he IS a truly smart and moral man, and it would be GREAT if he stepped up the same way varg has, get a nice white wife and have 6 white children, but he just hasn’t made that Leap into Political, Religious, and Metaphysical Thinking. And I know that Drinking can hold you back from doing that. So I cant help but want to have fenriz stop drinking for like a year, cold turkey, and see what changes happen. I think he is totally CAPABLE of doing this.

interesting that varg is making this video though. why not just contact fenriz and be like hey ole buddy lets hang out and get caught up.

but i dont think varg and fenriz were super besties either. but fenriz was probably the black metal guy varg liked the most. they definitely like each other hahaha. and it sounds like culto did not hang out much because he didnt like the people. varg didnt much like the people. fenriz is a good guy who got along with everyone.

so who WERE vargs friends? people not into black metal. what were these people like? whats vargs rel like with HIS father and his brother?

so many questions hahahaha.

anyway i think a varg fenriz meeting now would be very productive for them both. and i think varg could push fenriz to realize his full potential. this is the fanfic movie I would make hahahahaha.

like my fanfic sequel to the big lebowski that redeems the classic characters into nondegenerates hahaha.

or my fanfic sequel to king of the hill, 10+ years later, where bobby is like 30 years old in Current Year.

hahahahahahahahahaha.

so i am tempted to post a comment on vargs video to encourage him to Reach Out to Fenriz.

thing is, Fenriz is totally in his Comfort Zone. he’s happy doing what he’s doing.

i dunno. i just like proselytizing Traditional Family Values to All White People. I see a good white man who i think would be a good father, and I think it’s a SHAME that he DOESNT Leave a Legacy. And I’m not talking about timeless music or even The Fame Of A Dead Man’s Deeds!

cattle may die, Kinsmen may die, sure, but just as fame of dead mens deeds don’t die, so do kinsmens kinsmens kinsmens kin dont die hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

varg with his 6000000 children could speak to this better than I could. but see i am sold on this way of life way more than i am on fenriz’s. and i mean that in the nicest possible way to fenriz. im not judging him as a Degen Nihilist Slut Negro Mentality.

hey maybe fenriz thinks he would be a bad father.

i mean shit i KNOW i would be a terrible father because i cant even take care of MYSELF. but i might have POTENTIAL to BECOME good father material, i think all white men do. and i think fenriz has enough money. i am SURE many of his colleagues at the post office have children! also i would totally support him doing one sell out show of darkthrone to make money for his family!

i mean nocturno CULTO has children for gods sakes. mr hateful culto who doesnt like anybody managed to get woma/en to birth two children for him.

now i do think that deadbeat fathers are like that simply because they had children when they WERENT READY. but i do believe that ALL white men are capable of becoming ready to be good fathers. that these deadbeat fathers could have one day been good fathers if they just KEPT IT IN THEIR PANTS and didnt bang sluts without a rubber when they were too young to handle a kid. typcal N behavior hahahaha.

like i WOULD LIKE to be a good father someday, but if i had a child right now with some white trash slut, i would run away like a coward. i cant take care of a child!

and this is totally understandable at 20…..much less understandable at 30.

a LOT is SUPPOSED to happen between 20 and 30. but for me it really DIDNT. because YOU are supposed to MAKE that stuff happen with a LOT of Hard Work, effort, energy, and agency! it doesnt just HAPPEN on its own!

i didnt realize that until i was 30 hahahaha. well ok, maybe 26 hahahaha. well, i always KNEW it but ran away from that responsibility by drinking until i was 26.  sheeeeeeeit kinda wish i had gotten Busted a few years earlier! 22, 23, that would have been great year to stop drinking hehee.

and yet I STILL want to do MJ!!! it clouds your mind in a diff way than alcohol…….but it definitely clouds your mind! impairs your judgment in all things!

bbbbbbut my mind is clouded ANYWAY with hate and despair and fear and worry and anxiety and bad negative attitude and feels and r9k and incel and foreveralone and entitlement and elliot rodger and the red pill and niceguytm and K all normies and all that hahaha. at least being clouded with MJ or alcohol is a step up in terms of being more pleasant and positive!

ayo hol up hol up. so ALCOHOL would be POSITIVE?

MJ would be POSITIVE but ALCOHOL isn’t?

everythings a damn slippery slope hahaha.

well honestly i have no or very little desire to drink alcohol, it just doesnt APPEAL to me.

MJ on the other hand, APPEALS to me like none other.

what would fenriz do? drink beer, PROBABLY smoke some MJ, listen to metal, and have fun.

what would varg do? drink non-alcoholic beer, work on his russian lada car, make videos with not-his-best ambient music in the background hahahahahaha and proudly parade his beautiful children and live out the 14 words. and judge degenerates as degenerate. i mean yeah thats really appealing too!

but he’s not a neet virgin see! he’s a PRINCIPLED MAN, an honorable strong alpha man, with nice wife and a HORDE of beautiful blond blue eyed aryan children!!!!!!! he gets to BE autistic and live in isolation……with his young wife and 6 kids!!!!!!!! BIG difference between that and a neet basement dweller virgin! varg has had secs 6 times hahahahahahaha.

well these men are entitled to their privacy. im actually shocked that varg has Opened Himself Up so much to the world. I’m happy, because he sets a GREAT example, but he’s compromising his own privacy in a way I thought he never would.

maybe i should attempt to get an interview with FENRIZ, because he supposedly does hundreds of interviews whenever they do a new album. so my interview with fenriz will include all those questions about his personal life: his ex wife the artist, his GF’s, his FWB’s, his normie friends, his job, his family, his drinking, what he thinks about MJ, why doesnt culto scream like he used to, why is there one classic song on their new album but the rest is kinda meh, why dont you want kids, here’s why you should have kids, here’s why you should should go and hang out with varg and his family for a week, heres why you should quit drinking for a year and just see what happens, here’s why you need to pass on your damn genes and not just your music. you are SO CLOSE. have a rea come to jesus talk with him.

you can still do your radio show. i might even start listening to your radio show. you can still listen to metal. wouldnt you like a family to share your metal with hahahahaha.

is it he cant find a good woman? i doubt that. or does he just prefer sluts because muh dick? well he needs to get out of that muh dick mindset!

whats better, to be a muh dick white negro, or a hateful neet incel elliott rodger KV who cant even pull SLUTS?????

its honestly worst to be the neet virgin! then youre WORSE THAN A NEGRO!!!!! ME!!!! Thats where I am right now!

the PRINCIPLED, MORAL white man is worse than a degen muh dick negro, “simply” because this particular principled moral white man is also a neet loser virgin!!!!!!!! that is muh trump card!

so when fenriz was 21 he was still working at the post office (prob full time) and would get off his shift, buy a case of beer, and come over and hang out at euronymous’s shop and drink the beer, according to varg. i mean not that thats not a credible story!

basically, fenriz was able to live the life of a 21 year old normie: FT job like an adult, but also partying, socializing, drinking, having friends, probably GF’s, AND being in a band and making tons of music. classic, timeless music that will never die. while also being Sorta Immature and Drinking a Little Too Much, like a 21 year old man in his Party Phase.

so yeah i cant relate to that AT ALL, because I have so little experience in successfully working a FT job or being a normie. when he drank he did it right, when i drank i did it wrong. basically these were NORMIES!!!!!!

that is a weird thought, that the kvlt black metal guys i like are just more damn NORMIES. NORMIES GONNA NORM.

i am triggering the shit out of leftist reddist phaggots, who hate the term normies, cuz only niceguy broken men entitled incel r9k neets use the word. shit yeah.

and VARG is essentially a normie because he was hanging out with GRILLS from a proper age.

fenriz got grills, varg got grills, shit even euronymous probably got slutty grills hahahahaha.

you know who didnt get grills? probably dead. well, maybe he got one grill, got his heart broke, then K’d himself hahahaha. [pure speculation]

i hear that dead was a truly weird, lonely soul, not of this world…….and also that he was  a real nice sweet sensitive guy. im sure it was closer to the latter.  and then of course you try to add the grim early 90s norwegian black metal SPIN to that, and he becomes a twisted, dark, cold, lonely, hateful soul, one with death hahahaha.

maybe fenriz should have helped him learn Game to Game those white sluts hahahaha. or he could have gotten euronymous’s sloppy seconds.

but thats the thing about neet virgins…..THEY (we) CANT EVEN PULL DIRTY SLOPPY SECONDS SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!

so that is really a confidence killer!!!!!! the worst, easiest women dont even want us for a roll in the hay!

i mean i dont really care about “the scene”……………….but I do really like burzum and darkthrone, who were huge figures in “the scene”, so there you go. plus they are all interesting PEOPLE with interesting STORIES. and to top it all off, they made actually interesting music. and they continue to be interesting people 25 years later…..even if their music is less interesting.

so yeah. varg fenriz reunion nao.

rej email from 17 an hour county clerical job. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. i mean 17 dollars, 34k, thats WITHIN REACH for me a lot more than a goddam 40k job. so a rejection from a 34k job actually stings MORE than a rej from a 40k job.

at least for a 24k job, i could convince myself that they rej me because I was “overqualified.”

not so much for a 34k job. thats right in that sweet spot. i mean my glassdoor market value is 35k! the FEDGOV technically COULD pay me 34k as well!

really, I shouldnt apply for jobs MORE than 34k, and I honestly try NOT to……….

but most jobs are far above or far below 34k!!!!!!!!

slow genocide of the Middle Class hahahaha. hollowing out of the middle. the 34k’ers.

i mean i just want to make the average wage of my state/region/area, which is AROUND 13 dollars an hour, 26k a year. anything more is a BLESSING.

also, why do companies do Massive Layoffs, when they could just do Massive Pay Cuts instead? then people could keep their jobs at least, and there will absolutely be unhappy people who will quit voluntary. more cost savings there goy.  so yeah i dont understand why companies will just cut jobs entirely when they COULD just cut wages.

or CANT they. because the numbers dont crunch out that way.  you dont save enough MONEY by just cutting WAGES, you HAVE to cut JOBS if you want to save enough MONEY.

hmm apparently you cant buy gift cards online at gift card granny where you can save 5% or more off the face value. not a bad deal. like get a 25 dollar gift card for 23 dollars. not bad if you are looking to buy some gift cards……which i am!

maybe fenriz doesnt WANT to have kids ok? maybe hes happy with his life just the way it is!!!!

i mean not everyone WANTS to have kids!

yeah but a lot of people DO.

and the white race is kind of at a precarious position right now. so that if you care about the white race AT ALL (and I most certainly DO!!!!) then its kinda your DUTY to have kids. ESPECIALLY if you are of means.

and if you are NOT of means?

then GET of means ASAP mother fooker, because we are having a RACE WAR!!!!!!!!!!

otto skorzeny did not move to the US and was not your GF’s grandfather bro! he moved to spain and or ireland and even worked with the mossad for a bit.

listen to this good goy. 6 million jooz murdered by the n4z15 in the h010c4u5t. sounds like a wacky conspiracy theory tinfoil hat guy hahahahaha.

travel channel show. that old man you met was NOT otto skorzeny. how could you believe he was.

so yeah doing fun social thing today, which is not something i usually do, which is a step in the right direction for me. just be nice and smile and say thank you. baby steps. dont even worry about keeping up with Witty Banter. to me its always like a competition, who can do the wittiest banter, but thats not REALLY what it is, its just people who enjoy doing witty banter with each other and it comes very easily and naturally. only for me is it such a challenging competition! they dont care that im not the wittiest!

for a brief window of time, when i was about 21 or 22, i was kinda a social drunk fenriz character. i hung out a lot, also drank a lot, and had some small measure of charisma or celebrity. a lot of it was a bad reputation as a drunken wildman who said ridiculous things. NOT the type of thing I want to be remembered for. yet it was interesting having some amount of “popularity”.  probably the closest i got to being a normie. was able to parlay it into casual flings with two casual gurls. then my 15 minutes of fame were OVER.  and IMHO I wasted it drinking and being ridiculous and I was largely misunderstood. i would rather be remembered as a Nice, Moral, Honorable Man, than some Salty Loose Cannon Drunk Crank.

 

YOU CAN GET OVER HARD DRUG ADDICTION WAY FASTER THAN A BROKEN HEART

99

damn. not much sleep last night.

one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.

yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!

also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.

of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.

with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.

i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.

sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.

they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily.  nope. they are 100% done.

doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.

she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.

cant go back and undo it.

she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.

make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.

i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.

there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.

if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.

i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.

ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”

i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!

i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.

she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.

shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.

anyway the other point.

heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.

it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.

is really is a kind of death.

i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.

try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.

getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.

these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.

90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.

so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!

you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!

shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!

i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!

but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.

Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.

then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.

but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.

i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.

i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!

i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.

it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!

and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!

heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.

it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.

so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.

and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.

i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.

but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.

but she didnt read it.

well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!

plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.

well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!

POWER.

that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?

as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.

i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.

yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33.  what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.

with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.

heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.

this is true heartbreak.

i guess that is proof that is was true love.

that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.

it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.

so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.

  1. to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
  2. that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
  3. theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.

its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!

yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.

it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.

IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.

Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.

you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.

the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!

maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.

“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”

anyway muh breakthrough.

that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u

i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.

HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

she had conversations with the other guys!

you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.

say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me.  i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”

thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.

you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.

come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.

you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.

SAFETY NET / TEAR THE DUCT TAPE OFF THE BEARDED FACE

aug 6

yeah son cannot stop writing. have to get this out of my system. went for a powerjog. might do another maybe.  so i could go back to my job after like 2 months. but how would i react to seeing woman? would that be stressful or not? more importantly, could i deal with it? well yes it would be stressful and i could possibly deal with it; or i would view it as another desperate attempt to try to “win her back” which is the worst idea ever, but i am desperate enough to do something that stupid; i mean i ALMOST stalked a gurl in 2005 i was in such bad shape! i mean i knew stalking was wrong but i was angry and indeed wanted some sort of revenge on her for breaking my heart! so i did not handle that well, i realize that now.  i mean i never did anything violent to her. i think i drunkenly spat beer on her car, for example. not too standup but not too horrible either.

also its different when you work together vs being in occasionally crossing social circles. because you see your coworkers a lot more than you see your friends and family. fooking sad but true.

yeah in an ideal world, i would not go back, because seeing her is too risky. i mean if i were a super confident strong male, no problem, id have bitches swinging off deez nutz right now, then she would say ooo an alpha male, and she would be swinging off deez nutz soon as well. but i am not confident and alpha like that.

so i should be grateful i have a damn safety net right? and then take advantage of that safety net? but i also hate being weak and loser enough that i constantly need a damn safety net!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 99% of men my age do not need a safety net! you should not need a safety net after age 18!

its amazing i went from a relative peak to relative minimum in the short span of 10 months. from top to bottom. oh well at my advanced age, its best that this happens quickly. tear the bandaid off. tear the duct tape off the bearded face hahahaha.

TEAR THE DUCT TAPE OFF THE BEARDED FACE.

.gif .avi .mov .wav hahahaha

lets add a Wilhelm Scream in there as well hahahaha.

when a woman really likes you she will give you CHANCES. its not just one strike and youre out. its not a matter of you did one thing wrong, so thats why you didnt get the girl. basically this is to reassure myself, that there’s nothing i COULD HAVE done to make this work. she NEVER would have wanted to be with me. the only thing i could have possibly done was perhaps help it end less explosively. i never would have gotten her to talk though.

the main thing i could have done was ignore it myself. and i just couldnt see myself doing that. i couldnt ignore it at all. it was eating me up. shit i tried to ignore it but it kept coming back.

plus i think its generally better to not ignore things that to ignore them, especially regarding your honest feelings. i was not going to live a lie!

i was concerned that she thought i was LYING to her, when the whole reason i was being WEIRD was because i DIDNT want to lie to her! plus i was giving hints. they might not have been the best hints, but they were definitely hints. shit its still eating me up. i mean im sure it will dissipate with time, it always does, but again i need to do no fooking contact, and that means no emailing her in 3 months to “check in!”

ok what if she contacts me? well i would respond to her but i would say something like…..well i would even meet her ONCE if she wanted to. and basically there would have to be a lot of hugging and crying and very heart to heart talking there, because am i gonna STOP wanting her? probably not. am i going to want to be just friends with her while she dates other guys? hell to the no! so i would say all that at the hypothetical, prob will never happen, meeting. and then it would end with her saying yes yes i want to date you too and it would end with us making out right then and there and living happily ever after.

but i was able to coexist with her even though i had feelings for her and she didn’t have feelings for me. but that was BEFORE. and it was kinda a shitty coexistence. there were unresolved issues roiling beneath the surface. and then they exploded. the good thing is that this is a real CHANGE. i mean you just CANT go back after this. cant put the toothpaste back in the tube. cant go back. i mean we never had The Talk, but shit certainly got REAL, also i clearly said “i have feelings for you” in a text and two emails.

i mean why the hell would i WANT to go back to coexisting with her, me having feelings for her, her having no feelings for me? there is absolutely NO benefit to me. i mean that would fooking HARM me. and on that issue i am entitled to be selfish.

in the past we were trying to be nice to each other. all that is out the window now. i go back there, she most likely will be continuing to ignore me. and she would ignore me a lot better than i would ignore her. i would try to ignore her but anger would be under the surface. i dont want to have to work like that. however maybe that would keep me from overthinking and freaking out about the job, cuz my mind would be on that.

well, more than likely, i  would be same situation as i was recently: where i felt like I couldnt DO my work because of the other thing; and facing my work and saying “i am incapable of this” and feeling like running away and crying; rather than half assedly serving customers like the fat woman at the DMV hahahahaha god i WISH i could be like that! on halfass autopilot all day and just not care.

but its rough because i dont know if i ever had a chance. probably NOT. really what difference does it make. timing. when i really wanted the chance, i just didnt have it, thats for sure. i didnt have it when it mattered. and even if she did like me in the past, i cant go back in time. also at that time i wanted her to improve relations with her then boifran. when we first became friends she had a boifran and i knew it but damn did she never talk about him until she really trusted me. and then i had the thought of “i hope she doesnt like me, i want her to fix things with him, i have no interest in trying to break them up or steal her from him, or make her cheat on him,” and thats the truth, because i hate damn cheaters and ive NEVER cheated, or gotten anyone to cheat, which puts me in like the 1%. everybody is a damn filthy cheater. nobody cares. ok jogging time again. i can get in the 5.6 miles today.

ok did that. damn. i realize even if i lose all the weight i want to lose and become skinny, thats not gonna fix my other issues.

see a desperate low self esteem unconfident woman has no problem getting men. maybe she chooses the wrong men because of her issues.

but unless you are a total alpha male, to be a man and get women you have to become a damn buddhist monk with 10 years of monkish study in how to become fooking zen and extinguish all your damn desire. having an obsessive nonwoman related hobby like rocket science or petroleum engineering or finance or electrical engineering or tinkering or inventing or something helps too. i never really had that. closest thing was writing, and there is no training or skill involved there. you just sit there and write shit and hope you write better, but more than likely you will write yourself into a damn hole hahahahaha. writing is the worst interest you can have because it hurts you rather than helps you. its basically like being born a dirty drug addict who can never quit drugs and eventually dies of an overdose.

well the good news is that i have made up my mind to tell my trusted male friend from the job. he and his wife are the only people from the job that i can trust to tell the story, but should i? because it might be bad karma. well it would be if i didnt trust them. and if i said bad shit. but im not gonna say any bad shit about her. but since they know both me and the woman, and i trust them, and they were shocked when i left the job, i feel i can trust them with a full explanation. they might think im a psycho. but these are a couple of kids who got married at like age 22 and they are a beautiful loving couple. i like people who fall in luv young and then get married young. they should really have some kids but people cant afford to have damn kids nowadays and thats sad. anyway they are great people and i enjoy the closeness and trust there. and i dont see any underlying secret crushes on my end Tainting that hahahaha.