ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS DECISION TO TREAT YOU WITH DISRESPECT

 

oct 13

apparently got up way too early today for 9am test. strangely not pooping even though drinking coffee and have some food that should be ready to go hmmm.

i just hate angry customers demanding explanations that i dont have, demanding to speak to somebody else when i cant transfer them, and i dont have time to Figure Out their problem, and just have to tell them It Is What It Is, Live With It. There’s no tactful way to say this problem isnt serious enough to our company to waste time figuring it out.

when you are sitting there in the trenches desperately trying to bullshit people and survive to the end of another day in hell, the one thing that gives you hope and solace is the idea that the first thing you do when you get home is youre gonna prepare a yuuuuuuuuge spliff and smoke it and get hella blazed. that is your one saving grace. it really does help. without that, things really start to look hopeless.

did not get a ton of sleep last night hehehe .

aha well feel the BM coming now finally hahahaha. usually i dont have to wait!!!!

then i get mad at other people, like HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? and they get mad at me cuz i am mad at them cuz they can so easily tell customers “i dunno, not my problem, deal with it, live with it, cant help you, it is what it is, goodbye.”

well, it is true that what i saw what PERHAPS the evidence of a company on the downfall. well, the company was having a Bad Year, Big Losses, and laid a ton of people off, including in our department. but was the shitty service we gave indicative of that, or was it always like that, even when times were Good and Growing? i mean you always want to save money and do more with less, and that means sweeping Small Problems under the rug.

its just hard being the person who has to tell the person youre sweeping THEIR problem under the rug.

very hard. what do you say?

idk just go with the flow lol  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yeah well YOU stop listening to your degen music and TELL this person that. give them a damn good EXPLANATION WHY you are sweeping their problem under the rug.

and go suck negro dick some more. spread your legs for negros and make fookin shitsprogs with them.

i might not be in luv with negros, but i can at least admit they are humans hahahaha. they are living human beings and their innocent babies lives have some innate value and shouldnt be created WILLY NILLY. same with any nonwhite babies. I am a sucker for babies. all races babies are INNOCENT HUMAN LIVES that should not be treated like GARBAGE.

im not an idiot i SWEAR. Here, call my high school teacher from 20 years ago when I was a top 5% student and got all A’s.

ok took the test, it was EASY AS SHIT. basically copy an extremely simple table from this paper into excel, using sum formulas and multiplication formulas hahahaha. no index match or offsets or vlookups hehehehe.

and then use an adding machine with paper tape roll to add up a list of 20 numbers. i did not even understand. who uses adding machines.

i was nice to the lady and she was nice to me and i also saw a printout of the 30 people who took the written test a few weeks ago where i did horribly on the accounting questions, i told the lady yeah i didnt do so well on the accounting part, but i took accounting courses in College and got A’s I SWEAR, I could TOTALLY do that stuff again with the debits and credits and journal entries if I just did a little refresher, its not rocket science, its just you get rusty if you havent used it in a few years!!!!!! and she seemed understanding.

jeez. just when i thought trump was past this grab em by the pvssy shit, some more bad shit happens, namely, some b’s coming out saying he groped them. i guess i sort of thought this might happen, and now it is. i like how he is condemning the lugenpresse, because he knows this cant be proven, although youre a woman hater if you think a Victim Might Be Lying, especially if they put their name and face on video and say I, Ms Lyin Slutberg, say that trumps hands were like an octopus on me in 1980, and women dont make this shit up for political reasons hahahaha.

but yeah that is the prevailing idea, that women never lie. and trumps got to get women to believe women do lie, in order to get womens vote. of course women know women lie, but they will deny it to the point of voting against that bad bad man.

but yeah it is def hurting his poll numbers signif. i mean it does not look good folks.

but if he can handle this as well as he handled the pvssy tape, he has a chance.

heh i almost had a heart attack seeing this one cuz i actually thought it was That Woman doing an actual reddit post about ME hahahahahahaha. but its not. i am older than 29 anyway hahahahaha. also it sounds like she rejected him a little nicer because they were still talking afterwards. well…..not really. well, it sounds like she actually told him “im not interested,” and THEN he started asking Creepy Details about her Secs Life. well at least i did not do that! so i am less of a creep and better at respecting boundaries than this guy!

i mean i am fine being a woman hater but i DONT want to be a creep, i DO want to respect boundaries.

I was VERY, VERY, VERY distraught and upset, like this guy, but I think I did an OK job of respecting boundaries…..well just the idea of me getting feelings for her and asking her to hang out regularly was Trampling Her Boundaries!

yeah well she could have stopped saying YES WE WILL HANG OUT!!!!!!!!!! that KINDA got my hopes up!

but yeah i admit i was weak and cowardly and should have blurted everything out in november 2014. that is the lesson i learned, and if i ever get into this situation again, that is what i will do.

i didnt really manipulate our mutual friend to talk to her, but yeah maybe i did secretly hope that mutual friend would talk to that woman and be like hes really upset and you were kinda shitty to him hehehehehehehehe.

but yeah it gets to a point where you really dont have anything to TALK about. i learned pretty quickly that i didnt want to just TALK to her, i wanted a CHANCE with her. the time for TALKING was earlier. like yeah i wish you had dumped me with talking but if you come talk to me now, uhh yeah im still in luv with you, ill still be in luv with you 15 months later. i can accept you not wanting the rel, just tell me no. tell me no and tell me im not a piece of garbage hahahaha. just say aw im sorry youre a real sweet guy like all the other women who “FRIENDZONE” their male friends hahahahahaha and then lets take a little break because you cant be friends when theres one sided feelings, didnt you learn than by age 25 hahahaha.

i will pay for a dumping expert for you to dump me.

or have your mom dump me for you.

but yeah at the end of the day she was a nice person, a beautiful person, and i will never get over her or stop being in luv with her or find a better woman ahahahahahahaha.

this feels as bad as muh First Heartbreak! they say the first is by far the worst, but this one is by far the worst! the 5th or 6th heartbreak hehehehe. well because it was the most significant actual relship.

anyway yeah i guess i understand, if i were in her position i wold have a hard time dealing with me too.

i mean you really do need a professional for these types of things. well ok. i would have her go to my shrink, talk to my shrink for 30 minutes, then i would talk to the shrink for 30 minutes. do a couple of those sessions. and the shrink could relay everything in a mature manner. thats their JOB hahahaha.

yeah well many people are just horrible at their jobs and have no idea what they are doing hehehe.

i mean isnt this what QUALITY ASSURANCE does? makes sure stuff is objectively correct?

i mean i never experienced this before. i pretty much accepted the ITS OVER talk. well, i would try to win them back. didnt work. they would make out with you (and im sure str8 up Pity Fook you, because its just secs). but i was too pathetic to even PUSH for secs because im nervous about secs and am perfectly happy with making out.

anyway winning them back didnt work and i shouldnt have tried it.

well these were crazy middle class jooish college gurls! and That Woman was a nice white down to earth normal woman who was not a Huge Career Woman.

i was a little creepy, but was I SO creepy that I should be totally ashamed of myself? sometimes i am, sometimes im not, and im still not sure how ashamed i SHOULD be, in other words, not sure exactly How Creepy I was.

i mean i dont WANT to be creepy. because “creepers” dont get women ever. its synonymous with undesirable. i dont want to be undesirable. have such deep issues i could never be with a wimmin. i mean they have deep issues too, but it doesnt matter bc women are the supply, therefore i HAVE to not be creepy. it is my responsibility. my mission. i dont want to fail my mission.

heheh got up at 6 am, not a lot of sleep, in mood for nap now at 12 pm hahahaha.

anyway. muh life is in ruins and all i can think about is WOMEN. and this is not a new thing. i always cared more about women and the related drama, than making something of myself. this is one of muh hugest flaws.

cuz i was always way more interested in women than i was in Employment, Education, or Training hahahahahaha. all that stuff was boring at best and excruciating at worst.

yeah i shoud not be writing here, very tired hahahaha. i mean i SHOULD be furiously jobsearching but i dont do that so furiously. hey i did something job related today! and i am on the baby steps plan hahaha.

but i have been on the baby steps plan for YEARS. i need to start doing MORE than baby steps, a LOT more.

GROWN ASS MEN DONT GET ANYWHERE WITH BABY STEPS.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

teen doesnt want to go to college, caretaker says she needs college beause shes not the type to do well without college.

such an easy answer. let the damn kid take a damn gap year, maybe two. also its easy to get a job when you are a 18 year old gurl hahahahaha. take some business classes at the CC because the kid is vaguely interested in “Starting a business” with no plan. so take accounting classes at least, maybe econ, i dunno. def accounting cuz its an actual skill you can get paid for. i mean it hasnt really helped my career hahahaha.

everyones like o just have her get a FT job and pay you rent, which in theory is a great idea…..but what if she cant get an FT job? spends the entire gap year just applying to jobs, going to interviews, and not getting jobs? hehehehe.

which i highly doubt tho, cuz as an 18 year old gurl she could prob get hired at a 12 dollar an hour county job like i just got two rejections today for two such jobs! they either dont like muh gap andor they think i am overqualified andor they dont want to hire white males. they hire a lot of white females though hahahahaha.

anyway if the kid is not DRIVEN in real life, they wont be DRIVEN in college, and being a lazy slob in college is not gonna help them. then you become a huge failure like me hahahaha.

anyway i always knew i was too fooked up to have a rel with a woman, so i wasnt actively looking for one. i knew i had to fix myself first, and that would take YEARSSSSSSSSSSSS until i am 40 or so.

point is, i didnt go LOOKING for a woman when i “found” That Woman. Us becoming friends was the easiest, most natural, most spontaneous thing i had felt in a very long time. we just got along instantly. it just happened naturally af. i didnt LUV her at first. after 2 years of being solid friends, i fell in luv with her. and yet i still was too broken and damaged to be in a rel.

point is, i wasnt putting myself out there, i wasnt trying to FIND a GF in other words. she literally fell into muh life and we got along rather MIRACULOUSLY.

like i think about going on okcupid or something and practicing banging sluts, but i know im not even ready for that cuz muh life is a mess, cant take care of myself, cant be a adult, i gotta get that stuff fixed before i even THINK about women.

hehehehe. yep. get me to stop thinking about women hehehehe.

well thats a lot easier when you are working FT at a terrible job. THEN you just think about surviving one day at a time. you have no Libido, you cant even jerk off UNLESS You look at porno. and it becomes a joyless experience solely to attempt to relieve stress. destress. and it doesnt work nearly as well as smokin MJ.

or quickly crank one out thinking of the Office Young Slut that all the other lonely old guys want to bang too.

if you are lucky enough to GET a job. AND work with even ONE attractive young woman.

but attractive young women can be INCREDIBLY distracting.

well, you will probably be thinking of them ANYWAY even if you dont know or see any. kinda in that position right now. im always thinking of women, but i really dont interact that much with women, and my point is, i dont know ANY attractive young women! but i still think about the idea of them! all the time!

shit maybe send that 17 year old kid to a shrink (i am thinking of them more as a boy than a girl, because gurls shouldnt Go Away To College period.) just to get a damn “tune up” and make sure they dont have Depression or Anxiety or Bipolar. just get a check up, and if they have anything, they can start treating it when theyre young and before they get their whole life off track. maybe the kid is Depressed because they dont seem to have any drive or motivation hehehehe. also make sure they are NOT doing drugs or alcohol regularly. find a male mentor who is 5 years older. 9 at the very most.

if the mentors are too old, they wont know how the world works and their advice wont apply hahahahaha. theyll say go to college, thats your sure ticket to the middle class, hahahaha.

dont get a female mentor.

FEMALES CANT MENTOR.

well, maybe they can mentor children and women, IF they have children of their own.

well what about this guys wife who is a successful business owner.

ok fine, if they own a successful business, ill give them a pass.

and actual entrepreneurs WOULD be GREAT mentors for Teens. but good luck getting access to these privileged, valuable, expensive, very important people. their time is worth 100 bucks an hour just to talk to them on the phone. just go shadow a doctor or something. go shadow bill gates hahahaha.

but yeah going to college right after high school was a HORRIBLE idea for me, so yeah i was VERY interested in that topic.

wewlad finally gonna come in under muh daily calorie goal of 1200, instead of way way over.

ITS SO HARD TO DO EVEN 1 BABY STEP hahahahaha.

but yeah i get SO nervous at the idea of Facing Customers. it is TERRIFYING. like the kids at mcdonalds making 9 dollars an hour. i couldnt do what they do!

but the FACT is, at ONE time, i USED to do pretty high level, in depth, srs business customer service. having deep intense serious conversations.

so yeah i just want to answer all my haters who say i got involved with a woman before i was READY.  it just HAPPENED ok. i wasnt LOOKING for anything. you cant CHOOSE who you LUV.

on reddit some college educated career woman was doing a /sarcasm about sex being “the holy process by which babies are made” /s . i wanted to reach through the screen and punch her in the face for being such a fooking godless disgusting degenerate. THAT SHOULDNT BE SARCASM! THATS EXACTLY WHAT SECS IS!!!!!!!!!!

and i am honestly disappointed that ONLY religious people share my beliefs. I argue endlessly you dont HAVE to be religious, christian, etc to have my beliefs on Sexual Morality, that sex is a darn near holy, sacred, sublime process by which Human Life is created, so have some damn REVERENCE for it.

apparently only religious nuts think this, and everybody else doesn’t.

i am SORTA religious but I stubbornly insist you dont NEED to be to feel this way about secs. even a damn tree worshiping pagan would agree with me!

i was pleasantly surprised to see that there were soem gun owners on reddit. one rel question involved guns and plenty of gun owners responded. i expected everyone on reddit to be violently antigun, anyone who doesnt express only negative opinions about guns is an evil white cis racist hateful nazi kkk trump raeper. so i was glad to be proven wrong there.

everything is NOT OKAY with these women. 25 year old women making 50 grand a year write work emails about things being NOT OK. good god.  and we all have to bow down to the women and fix shit when they think something is NOT OK. no man would EVER use those words to describe anything, unless he is a total cuckold phaggot.

women are very conformist in the way they talk so colloquial idioms like “not ok” and “its a thing” and “its been a minute” and “creeper” and “netflix and chill” and LITERALLY and  just the littlest ways of speaking, the words, the stupid slang, they get really into that and it changes the way they TALK. and men just dont TALK like that, not nearly as much.

 

heh the anxiety reddit is sometimes pretty good, though not nearly as much comments as relshits.

 

yep

 

in this WOMANS defense, I would get anxious about 12-15 hour shifts too!

 

there is a despair reddit too but damn these people are pathetic. but there are some good questions like the above. not alot of answers though.

anyway i think my despair comes FROM muh anxiety which holds me back from taking risks and doing things and accomplishing Life Goals like getting a real job, maintaining the job, getting a rel, maintaining the rel, being an adult, etc.

also anxiety prevents a LOT of people from working. they have panic attacks and crying every day about their job. panicking every morning. panicking at lunch. being exhausted and destroyed at the end of every day.

some suggested that high CBD cannabis can help with anxiety but high THC can Aggravate anxiety? i dont doubt that. but I always think of it in terms of indica vs sativa, and this is NOT the same thing.

well then give me a high CBD indica hahahaha.

 

1 comment basically saying i dunno, nothing helps, try meds and maybe it will help you seem like a normie.

hehehehe. i know that feel.

but yeah. valid, good questions, with barely any responses. bretty disappointing reddit.

well i can at least be gratefu that muh anxiety and despair arent as bad as some of these people. like i can actually go on interviews, 23 of them hahahahaha. (but VERY doubtful about actually doing a job and surviving at it!!!!!!). also i dont get holy shit i must K myself sort of thoughts. more like wow i am a huge failure who has wasted my life and i will never be able to turn it around, but i dont really want to K myself! but i just feel hopeless about being able to become a real adult with an average job, and to get a halfway decent gf, ideally wife. ok FINE i will accept not having children. but i wont accept getting into a rel with a shitty woman out of pure desperation and loneliness. i would rather continue being alone. and just smoke MJ and maybe bang sluts like a degen. its not ideal but i wonder if some secs would make a man more confident which he can then use to do actually good, nondegen things. the ends jsutify the means. by any means necessary.

oct 14

https://www.eremedia.com/ere/why-you-cant-get-a-job-recruiting-explained-by-the-numbers/

yeah the page does exist, ive got it open right now. very discouraging article  written by evil hr person hahaha.

http://insights.dice.com/2014/09/16/recruitings-dirty-little-secrets/

ok ive had enough hahaha

basically i was looking for an Experts Opinion on low-level (data entry, general clerk, entry level admin asst, clerical asst, office clerk) get posted AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and over and over and over every 3 or 4 weeks, basically the same position in the same location, and you apply 3 or 4 or 5 times until youre ike WTF is going on here, ive applied to this same job 4 times and still havent gotten called for a First Interview or even a Phone Screening, WTF is going on here. has their HR department blackballed me, or is this just not a real job? are they building a pool? there must be 10000 people in the pool by now!! are they trying to build a BETTER pool? its a 12 dollar an hour job! youre not gonna GET mark zuckerberg!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON here? looking for an article that explains this phenomenon, but cannot find.

i mean yeah im sure i could get flagged as “DESPERATE, WILL TAKE ANYTHING” in the ATS, which is only half true. I will only take anything that is less than 50% phones hahahahaha, i will take anything that wouldnt obviously drive me completely insane and do a panicquit hahahahaha.

im sure ive got that flag at the hospital where ive applied to 50 jobs. but i’m not applying to shit all over the hospital! i am applying to stuff in my ballpark of qualification!!!!!!!!!!

if there are men looking for the “GF experience”, are there women looking for the BF experience?

well, and im not SURE about this, but my THEORY is that women who get LONELY like this will just end up trying to convert their BFE (probably a Fook buddy or FWB) into an actual BF.

just basically slapping your fantasy image of the perfect GF/BF onto whatever attractive person lets you fook them. then you fook them and cuddle with them and be nice to them and start to want them as your GF even though you have no idea who they REALLY are. pretty much what happened with the first gurl i fooked.

its safe to say if you want the GFE, you want a GF, period.

(yeah this is kind of a NO SHIT SHERLOCK thing when you think about it for 1 second.) so you are at risk. you bang some slut and try to make it a GFE, and then probably end up getting stupid feelings too fast because what you REALLY want is a GF.

i mean its not really STUPID, its completely understandable.

when you search what appears to be specific requisition numbers on a big companys job site and you cant find the job. because i got an email alert saying apply for this job, but no LINK in the email, so i search the req number given in the email to make sure i find the exact job, and nothing. total incompetence by the HR of a YUGE successful company. shit why even post jobs, they can get top talent from top skools, why even open this shit to slobs like me.

less than 1 month to go and the pres campagins are now all about Secs Scandals. this is honestly kinda disappointing. not that secs scandals do not matter cuz they ARE an indicator of Morality, which is more important than anything hehehehe.

well i mean i will accept a president who has groped a few women, but is sincere about making america great again hahahahaha. i will not accept a pres who has groped and raeped a LOT of women and who wants to genocide my race hahahahahahaha.

so what if trump doesnt respect women? I dont respect women! well, the MAJORITY of women hahahahaha. SOME women are respectable. but not a lot.

although on a person to person level, social interactions, i treat everybody respectfully, even if the person may not really be respectable. i mean im not gonna FIX them by being an asshole to them. i dont like being an asshole to people anyway. its too much WORK, its too much STRESS, too much anxiety.

i wish there was a lot more discussion on the anxiety reddit. there is 10% of the talk as there is on the relships. but anxiety CAUSES SO much trouble with relships, with life in general. well, for men at least. women can still have anxiety and get Rels and Jobs because they are the supply. they are very much in demand. men will bend over backwards to Help Women. thats just the way it is. accept it. dont get MAD about it and complain that its UNFAIR. its really NOT, because women get pregnant. now it might be unfair that women arent AWARE of this, and its definitely infuriating. and it IS fair for you to get angry about that, hahahahahahahaha.

WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

another great it is what it is, not our problem, oh well, youre screwed, deal with it type statement you can give to your customers.

im not saying youre lying, but youre lying. we have no record of that. not because were incompetent.

so youre telling me that my wireless card is just gonna keep disconnecting every single day, and the only way to “FIX” it is to restart my computer 10 times a day, repeatedly run network troubleshooting 10 times a day, and just WAIT when i lose internet for 10 minutes at a time every day and have to tell my paying customers, sorry, you have to wait 10 more minutes before the computer can take your money. nope we cant give you a discount either because budget. gotta cut costs goy. no refunds, no exchanges, no discounts, no service, no guarantees, all sales are final.

some people hate sitting in TRAFFIC. but you know whats even WORSE? actually being at work and having to deal with those callers and customers and tasks! traffic is EASY!!!!! its a NO BRAINER!!!! you just sit there and wait and move verrrrrryyyyyy sloooooooooowly. you already know how to HANDLE it. you dont need to make 1000 flashcards and study every night on how to deal with heavy traffic. its simple, its not complicated, its a 1+1 math problem.

meanwhile every phone call is a fookin Calculus 5 story problem where they bitch at you to explain why on every step, and youre not doing this fast enough, and dont you know what youre doing, why cant i speak to someone who knows what theyre doing, nobody in your department ever knows what theyre doing! isnt this your JOB????

so yeah i hate that. it is very nerve wracking, anxiety provoking.

now, anxiety was not a big problem for me for a good long while, from like 2010 to 2013. i was working an easy job, handling that, i wasnt anxious and nervous. i was grumpy and angry and hateful sure, but not anxious. 2014, 2015 were huge anxiety years, carried over into 2016 as well.

but it was nice to go several full YEARS without as much anxiety. but then it comes back for YEARS again. damn.

We have no record of this. Please reboot your computer and wait 10 minutes before attempting to use your cash register or office computers. Discounts/refunds must be approved by CEO, or create a Cash Drawer Shortage so your manager can fire you for stealing. Hope This Helps!

was this because i was working at a failing company, and everybody knew it was failing? (except for people who just listened to music all day and said idk go with the flow lol idk) the customers, the managers, the nonmanagers, the field, the support, everybody with half a brain?

when your customer says, this is DISGRACEFUL service, and you say, yeah i agree, but there’s nothing i can do here. i am the manager. policies. ill get in trouble. we cant just give discounts away. our company will go out of business. and then it goes out of business anyway through a combination of giving away discounts, bad service, low quality, high prices.

whos supposed to be doing this, because i dont know how to do this. oh im supposed to be doing this? says who? let me speak to their manager. oh theyre not in. you have one manager for 5 locations. ok whos the acting manager. nobody. ok whos the smartest person there. oh he’s not in. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON WHO IS THERE RIGHT NOW. hes in a meeting. ok, then who is the smartest who is in the building, who is not in a meeting, who can talk to me right now? nobody, were all on the phone with customers. i am literally the only person who can help you, and i dont know what im doing.

ok who has the most seniority/experience. oh this whole office/location is new. ive only been here a month and all the managers have only been here 2 weeks. NOBODY knows what theyre doing. so we call people for help, and THEY dont know what theyre doing.

sheeeeit times like this i need to get out of the house. i did apply for one job thank god, a military civ job. only took 16 minutes. well when you ONLY put 16 minutes or 15 minutes into a app, thats a good GUARANTEE that you will never get an interview! hahahahaha. you should be spending at LEAST an hour on every app, really fine tuning it to each job hahahaha.

anyway i have decided to go to the store today and get a white dress shirt that fits me a bit better than the one i usually wear for interviews, which is too big.

later

ok did that. felt the need to get out of house and DO something, not just complain in here, and force myself to apply for Jobs. and not “just” go for a walk, but DO something, anything i needed to do, like get a white dress shirt that fits better, or go buy laundry detergent for the home. going for a walk is fine, i need to lose weight (not really, but i do WANT to!) but i wanted to Baby Step Do Something today.

went to burlington for the shirt. we had a majority white town thank GOD but burlington in the middle of the afternoon is NOT majority white. there were a ton of blacks and especially arabs there. some asians.

the arabs in my town, you wouldnt have to worry about them joing ISIS, but they might be contenders for drug dealing and Raping White Gurls. but i dont think they are too islamic. they just speak arabic and haggle with cashiers at burlington and grope women and probably like to drink which is absolutely haram. smoke hookahs all day and watch soccer.

got some diet coke because i was curious to mix it with my coffee.

rejection emails that reference requisition numbers that DO NOT MATCH WITH the requisition numbers stated on the taleo site! it gives a 7 digit number, and all the req numbers i see are 6 digit! so i cant even match it up with a job on my spreadsheet for certain, because i recorded the 6 digit req number!!!!!! so i dont know which admin assistant job i was rejected for!

or you take 10 minutes to apply for a job (contingent (casual) job no less) and only when youre DONE does it tell you the job has expired. thanks NEWTON ATS.

wewlad. finally got in muh 3 apps for the day. so much shit is coming up expired. or i already applied to it but couldnt figure out if i had or not. felt like it took forever. much longer than the 42 minutes it should have taken hahahaha.  in fact it took 46 minutes hehehehehehe.

kirkland vodka. apparently critics say its better than gray goose and also way cheaper.

that basically all kirkland booze is high quality and reasonably priced.

i just thought that was kinda funny. as a guy who used to drink fooking near-bottom shelf canadian whiskey like canada house and rich and rare and royal canadian and CANADIAN HUNTER hahahaha. i couldnt even drink something good like VO or Crown Royal. once in a while i did canadian club hahahahaha.

Rich and Rare was probably the best quality for a low price, shameful booze, and candian hunter was the most BADASS……but not really the best quality. I cant not recommend the Rich And Rare though. got EPIC drunk off of that shit.

actually R&R was pricier than royal canadian.

i really dont know how i got into drinking steel reserve tho. BAD idea. i mean why not just drink lots of regular beer like miller lite. well, i did that too!

maybe get some kirkland weed hahahahahahahahahahaha. well im sure if they had some, it would be good.

i guess Kirkland Shirts are pretty good. not sure about pants hahaha. get some nice Kirkland Jeans hahahahaa.

10 thousand word post. this is definitely top 5% length folks.  just ridiculous.

get a kirkland wife hahahaha. kirkland mail order bride.

ya know i am not interested in a mail order bride at all. even a white one. maybe when i am 45 – 50 i will be hehehehe.

ok moved some of this long post to the previous post to match the lengths a little bettter.

i mean i just want to get a LOT of MJ right now. like a 4th or half ounce! like 100 dollars of MJ i would buy right now. i mean im thankful to have that kind of money, but thats what happens when you are a neet who didnt have a ton of expenses and saved most of their money when they were working.

are there any neets who ARENT virgins?

well probably. what i mean is there any neets who are getting secs from nonhookers at the time of their neetness? or even has a gf? neets with a gf? dont make me laugh hahahaha.

ate way too much at dinner again. went over limit of 1200 for the day.

now i CAN get all the way up to 1500 and not GAIN weight. ie 1500 is muh BMR. well i got to like 1450 today.

lesson: if your one Big Meal is a huge meal at a restaurant, that will put you well above 1200 unless you do a LOT of ezercise that day. like 500 calories at least. which some people can do in 30 minutes of running. not me. takes a solid hour of dam jogging.

sheeeeeeeeeeeit well i found the company THAT WOMAN works for and it is pretty damn close to muh house. well i saw a posting from the company on indeed and looked at it, then looked up the location of the company. it was about 2 or 3 miles from muh house.  thankfully i never go that way.

well i am now mad that she gets a job that is close to her home, closer than the last one. and that she can handle taking help desk calls.

well maybe she cant! maybe they put her on phones and she flipped the fook out because she’s not used to phones.

and it doesnt matter! it just sucks that i still think about her at all!

because i havent found a good REPLACEMENT for the positive stuff i got from her. namely a good connection with a decent woman, a real rel. its easy to have casual secs (well, not for me) but its HARD to have a real rel. real rels are inherently noncasual. they are long term. it is HARD to replace that shit.

and i am not happy at myself, that i looked up the exact location of the company. but i saw the company randomly on indeed, without searching for it, saw it was located in a city near mine which is a small city with nothing but machine shops (and i should really get a job at one of those, but then i might see her hahahahaha) and i was surprised that this type of company was in that city, THEN i looked up the exactly location, which, because it was in this small city, was OF COURSHE going to be close to me.

THEORETICALLY she could stop at the huge grocery store near here, to or from going to her job, and i could see her at the store, because this is the grocery store nearest to my home, and i go there regularly. was there today.

this is what happens 15 months after someone you never even fooked or dated dumps you hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

heh i applied to an Entry Level Data Entry job which ive applied to this same job 3 or 4 times. it just keeps appearing and appearing. i apply and apply. it gets hundreds of applicants every time. why keep opening it. very fishy. this time i totally forgot to change the name of the company from my previous cover letter. (i did change it the first time its mentioned, in the first paragraph, but forgot to do the second time, in the third paragraph.) sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. now i am probably on a blacklist and should never apply to that job again. its disgraceful they even post the job so often. i am sure there si high turnover, lots of blacks. why cant they call me!!!!!!!!

yeah but i want a company that posts jobs rather than never posts jobs, right? even if they already HAVE all the candidates they could possibly need????

that feel when you get to 5 jobs in 1 day for the first time in a while because youve been getting discouraged and slowing down, then find out 1 of those is DEFINITELY disqualified because you made that stupid mistake.

thing is, they probably wouldnt even really care.

i hate that dumb blacks can get these jobs just because they dont have Anxiety HAHAHAHAHAHA no i am just partly kidding. its not because of Anxiety that i dont get these jobs, because i hide the anxiety FAIRLY well on interviews and fake my way as being MOSTLY normie with a normie level of interview anxiety. but it is very true that blacks have less anxiety than whites. its just the way they are wired. so they can aggressively grab women by the pvssy and impregnate as many women as possible in a total r selection strategy. and the women love it.

 

THE TIME HAS COME WHERE I/YOU NEED TO MEET NEW WOMEN

for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.

fdfdfgfg

hg

hgh

ghghghgh

ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/51tj9x/me_23_m_with_my_ex_girlfriend_22_f_for_about_2/

dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!

SHOW ME I MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!!

welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.

WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF DOING THINGS, the reddit has taught me.

but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.

 

 

 

SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE

feb 25

more rumination and obsession hahaha : she was very good at being a friend. we were good friends, it was so natural and smooth. therefore i thought she would be the SAME WAY in the role of GF. i saw great potential. with her longterm BF, she talked and commnicated with him and tried to resolve their issues like an average maturity adult. i had no reason to believe she would be any different with me when WE had problems.

but she was. i thought if she needed to reject me, she would be FRIENDLY about it, the way she was always very friendly to me. and would say “AW. AWWWWWW. THATS SO SWEET. YOUR SUCH A NICE GUY. but im SORRY, i just dont feel that way. Lets Just Be Friends.” pat me on the head and give me a cookie. that would have been sooooooooooooo much better than what happened. oh god i would have LOVED that kind of rejection.

but yeah point is, i was caught OFF GUARD, completely unprepared for this. did not see this coming AT ALL. i never knew her to act like this. with me, or with people she was close to. she was super friendly and nice to me all the time. i KNOW that doesnt mean she was INTERESTED!!!!! im not that much of a woman hater hahahaha. but i DID think that gave me a REASONABLE EXPECTATION that she would continue to be nice, friendly, and mature to me when it came time for her to respond to muh feelings for her.

heh. married at first sight. i totally called it with decision day. nice normie white boy david and his bitch wife, white girl but ugly and bitchy, he was better looking than her, he was out of her league, he was too good for her, well i totally CALLED it: he would say yes, she would say no. like a train wreck in slow motion. he was such a naively optimistic normie. such a positive normie attitude. just a nice good guy, bit of a beta doormat, but successful in career (“Director of Sales” for software company) and a friendly, nice, generous, kind, warm, caring, good personality. she was a total closed off bitch that never gave him a chance, never lifted a finger, and accused him of something he did not do: lying and betraying her. OH GOD its SO Frustrating to be accused of lying when youre NOT LYING.

itd be ONE THING if you had a pattern of being BLATANTLY CAUGHT IN LIES. but he wasnt!!! she was just disproportionately angry at him because he messaged a gurl on facebook. shit. like she never messaged guys on facebook. she INSISTED it was a “DATE”, and he insisted no, its NOT a date, i wanted to hang out with HER so we could talk about YOU and I might get some insight on YOU and how to communicate with YOU because you wont communicate with me. which was the TRUTH! and yet his wife refused to believe the truth. the situation was infuriating and pathetic. then he pathetically tries to “win back her trust” even though he did nothing wrong.

it was such a painful situation to watch, and i felt so sorry for him, doing all the work, being unjustly painted as the bad guy, while she did no work, refused to open up to him, completely shut down and checked out, and she was DONE at that moment, her NO decision was made.

hehehehe there were parallels with my own situation. but My Woman was younger and better looking than this bitch hahahahahah. also she used to be much much nicer. she was super nice at one point, like a female version of david. then she became an ice queen like ashley the ugly stone cold bitch.

so yeah i felt great sympathy and empathy and luv for poor david, getting shit on and thrown away like a piece of garbage. i could not even look at them as they gave their decisions. and it went exactly as i predicted. immed afterwards david gave some REAL talk: his optimism was crushed and he had a realistic view of things: i was doing all the work, i was fully committed, and she wasnt. she wasnt willing to give me an inch, and she had checked out long ago. damn right. i felt like Reaching Out to David and emailing him. bringing back my twitter account so I could tweet at him words of moral support hahahaha. i still might. bringing my twitter back would be a good idea in 2016 hahaha.

it SUCKS to be accused of something you didnt do. not really talking about false raep, because then the woman clearly knows SHE’s lying. but when the woman is under a misunderstanding, a delusion, that you did something you really didnt. then YOU want to stand up and defend yourself and prove yourself innocent. which makes you look even more guilty to them. its SO horrible.

my pushing her, and her avoiding me, was ahorrible vicious circle, and both fed into each other. i pushed her because she avoided me, she avoided me because i pushed her.  i didnt calculate that she would avoid me so much. so then i laid down and took it like a beeta, saying ok baby, ill give you time and space, whatever you want to make you happy. bad move. after a few weeks of space, i couldnt take it any more and started pushing again.

pushing isnt great but i dont think its a cardinal sin. but women sure do. i would like to work on my pushiness in the future.

see im not ALWAYS pushy. only when a gurl i luv is avoiding me. which does not happen often. normally i am not pushy at all. i dont get so invested and committed to something that i even WANT to push.

what i should have done was not be pushy but be ASSERTIVE: say: “baby, this ends now. this has got to end. i cant take this any more. i feel disrespected and avoided. we need to talk ASAP. stop avoiding me and lets schedule a solid time to talk, and i will be very disappointed if you back out again. THIS ENDS NOW. I DONT let people treat me like this. like garbage. I wont let YOU treat me like that. this ends now.”

did i mention Stahlgewitter is a very catchy RAC band with a fairly metal approach and a very commanding singer. i dont speak or understand german tho hahahaha. anyway they will ABSOLUTELY get your blood pumping. good anti despair music hahahaha.

techincally there WAS a kind of red flag: the fact that she began avoiding me in like december or so. as soon as she started avoiding hanging out with me. that was the red flag. i didnt think she would be such a big avoider but boy was i wrong. anyway the fact that she avoided me so stubbornly WAS the red flag that she might pull the ULTIMATE coup de grace of avoidance, and she did: cut me off entirely. crash the plane with no survivors. well except for her hahahaha she survived quite nicely.

so yeah there was kind of a red flag, but NO WAY was I in the right mind to see it. i was idealizing her, and holding on to blind hope.

you know why you cant have casual sex?

because SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE.

Casual Sex doesnt really exist.

unless you have had SO MUCH of Aborted Intimacy that you have burned out all your oxytocin and CANT FEEL intimacy any more. then you can have casual sex.

and THIS is what you WANT???

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

so you go through the motions of REPRODUCTION, of LIFE CREATION, with a man you dont even know. you’re willing to roll that dice? take that risk? that seems like such a big, stupid, horrible risk to take! and so many women do it! idiots! sluts! degenerates! sodomites! absolutely disgusting! and its SAD too, when these are white gurls who were once nice, once had potential, and just threw THEMSELVES away like a piece of garbage.

its a terrible feeling when you have a caller on hold with a problem, and you dont understand the problem, and you just DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM. you have to fix the problem, but you dont know how to fix the problem, you dont understand the problem, you dont know what to tell them. and the only help you can get is from a monosyllabic higher up in a chat room that doesnt really explain things either. you have to FIGURE IT OUT how to explain it to the caller, and there will probably be a decent amount of BULLSHIT in there. you dont like to bullshit people, but you’re bullshit because there’s nothing else you CAN do. you must bullshit to survive. one call at a time, one day at a time. i cant go back to that style of work!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate not knowing what im doing, not knowing what to say to people, and having to come up with bullshit! cuz it SOUNDS liek obvious bullshit!

i try to be honest, i like being honest…..but i also dont like giving bad news, especially when i dont really understand it, or how to explain it. then i try to candy coat it with bullshit.

if you ask for help, they will tell you just read the shitty article till you understand it. thanks. i will do that when i get home and dont have to answer calls all day. sometimes they will be nice and try to explain it in actual english. but it will be an unclear explanation, because they dont have time for you. they really dont. they are too busy. there needs to be more of THEM to help you and your level 1 team idiots. but there simply ARENT ENOUGH people who know the shit at a deep level, because they all leave for Better Jobs ASAP. There are literally not enough people who know how things work.

how can you fix shit if you dont know how it works? youd be surprised. you just go through the motions, do band aid fixes, pass the buck, throw spaghetti at the wall, and sometimes shit sticks, but you dont know WHY. you just keep barreling through the cases and throwing spaghetti, and only 2 guys know how stuff really works, and theres no WAY you’re getting THEM on the phone to talk to callers directly. they’ve earned the privilege to not have to be down there in the trenches.

and i cant stick around without having a nervous breakdown long enough to earn that privileged position! it takes at least a few years!

but its funny. regarding the woman. it really does take an internal mental effort and does not involve her at all. but its not fookin easy. switching from the mindset of: she hates me, i did something wrong, to, she does not HATE me, i did nothing wrong, she just couldnt deal with pressure and ran away in the worst possible way.

its a simpler explanation and a BETTER explanation, but ive had a hard time accepting it. but i really SHOULD, for my long term health.

but it also has its own risks, like it tempts me to contact her again: oh if she doesnt HATE me, then maybe we could REKINDLE. NOPE. DO NOT DO THIS. it would be ANOTHER trainwreck.

SHE would have to show some interest, some initiative, put HER self out there like i did; put the ball in MY court, like i put the ball in HER court over and over and over again, and she just avoided it.

she can contact me, but i shouldnt contact her.

and she 99.99999999999999999999999999% wont contact me hahahaha.

but yeah its also good to not feel hated. hated by the one you still love. hahahaha. i mean really i have no proof for anything so why not believe the one thats both simpler, and better.

oh yeah. that bitch ashley, when the shrinks pushed her for more detail on why she was choosing Divorce from the white knight david, kept coming back to the facebook incident of how it broke her trust in him. great i thought. now shes essentially BLAMING HIM, and he, unless he is very emotionally strong, and HOW CAN YOU be emotionally strong after someone you’re invested in DUMPS you, well he might start blaming himself and thinking he did something wrong, and feel even WORSE. insult on top of injury. how DARE she blame him like that.

uhh as far as the other couples, i dont care as much, david and bitch ashley was the couple i was most interested in. neil and samantha would be next. i have to give her a little credit, she made some honest changes over the 6 weeks (wayyyy too short of a time period for this show) and went from being a total bitch, to being more loving and supportive and committed, so good for her. i actually think she might say yes at this point. neil is a total autistic bitchboi who i used to sorta like, now im not so sure. i actually think he could go either way. cuz he is just SO autistic, hes not merely an unmasculine beta, hes just fooking too weird. he might just say no to her, which is why she goes running out of the room.

as far as the black couple i dont really care about them, but they seem like the couple most likely to succeed, BUT i still dont trust HER, she might well say NO. cant really tell with her. shes nice to him most of the time but her “trust issues” and such might make her say no like a bitch. he will probably say yes. they are both fairly white acting blacks. they could work out well if SHE says yes. and he does seem trustworthy enough for her to say yes.

but yeah its just very difficult and takes a long time to get over someone you LOVED, they rejected you HORRIBLY, and you had a REAL longterm relationship with them.

its impossible to really get to know someone in 6 weeks. maybe you can get infatuated. and dont get me wrong, infatuation is strong, its real, it can very often be the beginning of real, true love. in fact i beleive you need infatuation to get to love. but you dont really know the person. that takes time.

with HER, i got to know her FIRST, and THEN came the infatuation MUCH later. but i already KNEW her, so the infatuation quickly turned to full blown luv. damn.

heh. funny. when i first met her, i was like, welp im GLAD she has a BF, because i could never date her. shes a nice sweet gurl but shes got too much baggage, i really dont want to deal with all that.

funny that as i got to know her, i decided that i COULD put up with the baggage. just as long as she wasnt a damn slut with a slut past. and she wasnt. and as it sunk in that she was REALLY done with her longterm BF, my feelings started to change. like yeah why SHOULDNT i try dating her. we get along great, we are good friends, we get along so well, have a lot in common, her baggage really is not a big deal any more, she’s not a slut, lets fookin do it, take the plunge. anddddddd then it turned out she was dating a new guy instead. and in the time that it took to scratch my head over that, she was done with HIM, due to his bad behavior. she said she was heartbroken.

this was kinda a warning sign too: how could she be OVER the first BF so quickly? how could she be in LOVE with a new guy so quickly? a guy who is a complete scumbag and probably gave her some diseases? i mean choosing him was a REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY bad shitty decision on her part. also the fact that he was nonwhite. oh GOD. BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL. I hated that. how could such a sweet nice gurl i was falling in luv with, make SUCH BAD DECISIONS?????!!?!?!?!?!?!

its sad to see someone you know and luv, make such bad shitty decisions. self destructive, embarrassing, degenerate shit. to see a good person go bad. that alone is very sad and breaks your heart. she is really at A Crossroads. she can either keep going down this path, which would be bad and sad, but now i kinda want her to destroy herself as Karma for how she destroyed me hahahaha. and i hate to think of her going down the right path and being a beautiful wonderful wife to some other super lucky guy.  when i wanted her to be my wonderful perfect wife hahahaha.

she was never a slut. she never got into Hard Drugs or Pills. These were probably the biggest risks to a gurl in her situation. BUT she experimented with Coal Burning. Oh Dear God. I mean that should be enough right? ESPECIALLY for me, since i am SO disgusted with coal burning. why would i even want to get NEAR her after that?!?!?!?! even if the guy is light skinned and white acting as opposed to a black as coal bix nood dindu nuffin hood rat? a barbaric tyrone with sagging pants who sets white gurls on fire and burns them alive? but rather a smooth talking charming will smith type? you should STILL know better than to fall for a smooth talking will smith type!!!!!!! i know you didnt have a father to teach you better!! but your mother is all right! what did SHE have to say about this??!??!?!?!

heh. so while i am kinda ashamed that i would have been so WILLING to forgive a COAL BURNER……that was how much i luved her. but i am still absolutely disgusted by coal burning.

it was just SO WEIRD. because she wasnt a slut, and this was the First Time she ever did such a thing. i mean i dont know for CERTAIN…..but im still pretty sure. trust me hahahaha.

in 2008 i think i was still a shitlib and voted for i dont even want to say his name. barry the darkie commie.

in 2012 i voted for mitt the mormon titt but i probably should have just thrown my vote away on ron paul hahahaha. point is, sometime between 08 and 12 i Turned. probably very much influenced by barry’s first term in office. i already had some of the red pills. i think prior to 08 i might have been discovering MRA, i definitely knew about Game, but i thought it was bad and a woman hating lie. but i appreciated MRA. but i didnt know what was degenerate and what was not. i couldnt articulate it. deep down i think i understood it though. that the idea of game and average PUAs were fookin muh dick degenerates. only roissy had the right idea, but he pretends to be QUITE the degenerate. deep down i think he wants a return to tradition and nondegeneracy. a writer like dalrock and maybe….i cant remember if its athol kay or rollo tomassi, that is about married game, longterm rel game. maybe even vox day touches on this a bit. vox day is generally a pretty good right wing thinker, but game is not his focus.

i was so into game and mra and mgtow because i was/am obsessed with women. women women women women women all the time. it was only the idea of Race that eventually pulled me away from women women women women women and got me to see the bigger picture. well thats not entirely true. bernard chapin helped me understand the big picture. hes a big picture mra/mgtow who understands the proper place of that movement: in the Right. and how feminism and moral decay is all part of Leftism, Cultural Marxism. and, like me, he is absolutely obsessed with women women women women women. i will always luv uncle bern, he was a big influence to me until just recently. when i really started getting into race. which he just doesnt touch. never mind the JQ. however he is good on mocking white privilege types, and he defends whites pretty strongly. but i would like to see him go even further. and i dont think he will. i feel bad for him that he hasnt found a decent woman yet and become a father. that would be a great thing for him to do. but hes already like 45 years old. not too old but….it DOES get harder to find a decent woman as you get older, and if SHES older, its harder for her to have children.

i dunno. if anyone can do it, he can. he deserves it. i just wouldnt want him to race mix with like a latina or something. i worry about that hahahahahahahahaha.

anyway hes a great guy with thousands of videos and i cant not recommend him. he was a big part of muh education. i even wrote him a Fan Email once and he responded to me and mentioned me in a video hahahaha. i was honored.

but i also liked the race stuff i was reading elsewhere. also i didnt want to be SO obsessed with women and i was starting to have doubts about mgtow. previous i was a hardcore proud mgtow. after a while i started to feel it was silly, and borderline woman hating. or at least anti-woman. and a lot of it IS. now there is some divide in the mgtow community, some will say you dont need to AVOID women, thats not what its about. i guess these would be the old mgtows. the NEWER mgtows are more extreme and hate women and shun women and want to have robotic wombs for reproduction. batshit crazy.

also i liked the idea of Traditionalists. some in the manosphere mocked “Tradcons” but i didnt see what the problem was.

anyway, long story short, i think SOME in the Manosphere would fit in well with the Alt Right, some but not all. not degenerates like roosh. i think forney might have the right idea and i liked in mala fide back in the DAY and i like some of forneys stuff even now. but he still has some degen tendencies that he needs to fix. plus im concerned he really may be a woman hater. i wish he would “just” find a decent woman, that would help him stop being a woman hater. but it is VERY hard to find a decent woman, well, to attract and keep a decent woman i should say. i cant do it either hahahaha. but i can totally empathize with forney. hes a little race conscious but he needs to be even moreso.

then theres aurini. yeah i guess by 2015-6 hes in a bit of a circle with forney, aaron clarey, and uncle bern. supposedly aurini was a huge degenerate and had secs with his friends wife. that is pretty sleazy. i dont know his position on this. ideally he would repent. also he seems like a possible woman hater.

again i cant judge, i totally understand woman haters, i might even be one myself hahahaha. definitely borderline. i dont really WANT to hate women. but i keep getting hosed by women. a lot of that is my fault…..well no more than 50% is my fault hahahaha. i have truly been unlucky with women. but maybe im PICKING the wrong women? but men dont pick women, women pick men! well, i was putting myself out there to be picked by the wrong women then. i wanted the wrong women.  i dunno. at least half of muh women have been good women, decent picks, not crazy whores. this last woman was a great woman, she just utterly HOSED me when she rejected me, she didnt HAVE to do it THAT badly. that was truly unlucky on my part, not that i picked the WRONG woman.

but yeah i really feel At Home now in 2016 on the Pro-White Alt-Right, it has everything i’m looking for and none of what i dont: anti degeneracy, anti sluts, anti feminism, anti marxism, pro tradition, pro whites, JQ aware, its just the perfect package for me, and right now, TRS is my go to for that type of stuff, and has one of the best forums i’ve ever seen. i really appreciate they are not women haters, and many of them are Married, and have Children. this is the thing I could never get out of MGTOW and MRA. they were too anti marriage and never talked about being fathers. just how their bitch ex wife ruined their lives and took their children.

yes that happens and it sucks and its why we NEED MRA and MGTOW. but ive just had too much of that and need to know that men and women can still get together and have good families. the idea of marriage and children is increasingly important to me as i get older. i would LUV to find a good wife and have some children. this is not a large emphasis in MRA/MGTOW at all. they might defer to Game/PUA on how to deal with women…….and 95% of that is FOOKING DEGENERATE, and also says All Women Are Like That, when i would HOPE that Some Women are Like That (degen sluts), but Some Arent (Decent Marriagable Traditional Women.)

so yeah i would like to see MUCH more nondegen Game writing, like Dalrock i guess. Marriage game, monogamy game, traditional game, wife game. words that sound ridiculous when paired with “game.” hahahaha Friends First Game. White Wife Game. 14 Words Game. Virgin Game.

yeah. its just sad to see 45 year old men who dont have a wife and children. they have to feel like theyre missing something. i know i would. maybe im imposing my attitude on that. but i think bernard would be a good father for sure. clarey probably would. and even aurini and forney have the potential to be  good fathers. even fooking ROOSH, the ultradegen kabob hahaha.  if they “JUST” found a good woman and started having keeds. i think they would rise to the occasion, and be better, less degenerate men for it. its just what they need!!!!!

maybe me getting older and thinking about Being A Father more precipitated my Ideological Move towards something more family-oriented, less degenerate. im sure it did actually.

as far as the Meaning Of Life, I think having Children and raising them is as close to the Meaning Of Life as we are gonna find. i mean this is pretty obvious once you get to be a certain age. its what we were put on this earth to do.

yeah its HARD to raise kids and even if we have good intentions and try our best and give our kids all they need, they still turn out to be screwups hahahaha. like some of us hahahaha. what shame we must bring on our families hahahaha. and we cant blame them. they tried their best. they gave us everything. they worried and worried and lost sleep and stressed out over whether or not they were raising us right, and they gave it every ounce of effort they had. MOST of the time this is more than enough to raise a child to successful adulthood. they get a job, achieve things in life, meet a mate, have some children of their own. others of us take a more circuitous route hahahahaha.

but yeah i have OBVIOUSLY reached the age where i am in my “dad phase” and i feel like DAMN, i should have had some KIDS by now. so there IS a kind of biological clock for men, for me at least.

yet ive done nothing with my life after college, i have been stuck for the past 11 years hahahaha. never got an acceptable job, never found a good wife, never had children. now a job is a necessary evil which im not passionate about, but i am very passionate about women, especially finding a wife essentially: a long term monogamous committed relationship. wife is good shorthand term for that. i dont care if the mgtow faggots start reeeeeeeeeeeeeing hahahahaha. i want a wife and i want a GOOD one. not some piece of shit slut coalburner single mom hahahahaha with shitty tattoos or any tattoos really.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. SHE, that WOMAN, didnt have any tattoos on her lovely white skin!!!!!!! which, considering her unfortunate background, is pleasantly surprising; considering she was almost predestined to become a slut, get shitty tattoos, become a single mom, get addicted to drugs or pills, just become a total white trash degenerate in other words. just the worst white trailer trash. and she avoided all those traps. except for the coalburning. she might not even do that again cuz she might have learned her lesson!!!!!!!!

lotta good it does me though, if she has no feelings for me, no interest in me, no will to be with me and make it work. it takes two baby. team work to make the dream work hahahahahaha.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/Calories-burned-in-30-minutes-of-leisure-and-routine-activities.htm

working at the tech support call center, i always felt overwhelmed, put upon, flustered, freaking out, i dont know what im doing, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to do my job, i dont know what to tell them, just tell me what to do and i will do it, nope doesnt work that way, just figure it out and do something fast. drink lots of coffee, have lots of watery coffee poops, i dont know how im gonna make it to lunch, i dont know how im gonna come back from lunch and finish the rest of my shift, oh god im done, but i gotta go this again tomorrow. and the day after that, and after that, and after that. ive gotta go home and study everything i dont understand, which is everything.

you almost NEEDED drugs to take the edge off every day. something to relax you and clear your mind. for a while i was taking MJ every day and it kinda worked for this purpose. but its degen and bad to take MJ every day. its no way to be.

a better way to be would be to work out like a madman. there were a couple of those types there, and they were in damn good shape. a few guys were practically Bodybuilders, just ripped. and im sure the stress from the job contributed to their working out so hard. get out of a long stressful shift and just go to the gym and go nuts. work out all weekend. hard to do if you have kids, which most people did.

other people were just fat slobs who went home and played vidya games, ate shitty food, drank a ton of soda, and were obese couch/chair potatoes. muching away at their mcdonalds and drinking tons of soda at their desks while working.

there were a LOT of anime nerds and vidya nerds. all about anime and fooking computer games, not just damn console games like the plebs.

there was one guy who was pretty fat and super nerdy, into computer games and anime. but he was very happy and cheerful and chill, and had a suprisingly good looking WIFE.

other animu nerds were just straight up lonely neckbeard virgins and just seemed despairing and sad and lonely. i felt pretty sorry for them.

some people drank too much on the weekends. you couldnt really drink on work nights because this is not the type of job you can do hungover.

some jobs you can do hungover. some jobs you can do while smoking MJ all day ON THE JOB. this was not one of those jobs.

but one guy, who was pretty chill, he would go out to his car on breaks and do MJ Dabs, then come right back in and Work His Cases and deal with people. i dont know how he did it. he was a real nice guy but i heard he did meth or coke sometimes too.

anyway you had to learn to not let it GET to you. some people had that down. and would just stuff their fat faces and get fatter. i was too stressed out to even EAT. i didnt learn that crucial lesson.

after like 4 months it started to get better. i could eat, i wasnt freaking out as much, me and the woman sat near each other and got along as good as ever.

but as shit started to go downhill with her, stuff also intensified on the job front, and i was more stressed out there. and stressed out with her. and jealous that she seemed to be handling the job stress better than me. and that she was less willing to be friendly to me. becuase i was pushing her and being too needy and needing too much support.

i took the tech cases very seriously, too seriously, and she didnt take them seriously enough. i was jealous of her laid back approach. this probably came from her being an MJ addict. she would take MJ on her off time, as did I, but i was still very uptight when i came in to work. she wasnt. i quizzed her with job related questions that were eating me up, and she just laughed them off. and in the end she stayed sane, kept the job, and might even get a damn promotion. or get a better job. fook her hahahaha.

i GUESS its GOOD to be gone from that ridiculous job. i just wish it hadnt happened that way. me being so unable to deal with the damn woman at the job, which led me to not being able to really DO the job.

i was sort of doing the job though. scraping by at the bare minimum. it was impossible to do any better. i thought shit would be better since i was off of Inbound Phones. and technically it WOULD have been a lot better. shit just got SO bad with her, i couldnt even do the nonphone job. to be fair there was stress with that job too. it was a super involved project where so much unpredictable unknown shit could go wrong…..and did. it was impossible to prepare for all that went wrong. you had to take it as it came, and wing it. other people were moving a lot faster than i was, either because they were cutting corners, or i was going too slow and not multitasking enough. prob a combination of both. i think there was a decent amount of corner cutting there. i did a little bit of it myself. it made you look more efficient, and efficiency was all that mattered.

i probably WAS leaning on her more than i should have for the moral support on the job. but i sorta stopped that, and began to rely more on other people. but i was still bitter at her for not being WILLING to support. its not like she didnt know how the job was. you just had to dig deep within yourself and find your happy place. i couldnt do that as well as she could. PLUS she was certainly aware of the tension between us. she was and i was. so even our small talk was Charged with some amount of tension, of the elephant in the room. the elephant in every interaction, every chat with her.

then she yelled at me once when i came to visit her. so i stopped visiting her, but i felt angry that she wouldnt even let me visit her once a day at the end of my shift to just say goodbye. i thought we were friends! now i cant even VISIT you? what the fook!!!!!! she was right over there, but i was banned from visiting her. i was still allowed to talk to her on chat though. fooking fantastic. what a blessing. what a gift.

on one hand, we WERE chained to our desks, so it WAS normal for people to use the chat program to chat with somebody seated 10 feet away. we didnt have the luxury of just getting up and talking to someone. because we were chained to our desks and had to answer calls or answer chats and finish as many cases as quickly as possible. but to not even take 2 minutes to say hi on lunch or before leaving?

oh yeah. another thing i didnt like was, i always visited her, and she NEVER visited me. she NEVER came over to MY area before her shift or on her break just to Say Hi or Bye to ME. i forgot about that. but its a great indicator of disinterest from her, and how there was a huge imbalance in the rel. she could have visited ME sometimes. also its not like i was trying to distract her from her work. i knew everyone was super busy all the time and you cant even really have small talk because youre focused on the current case, trying to pay attention to the caller or chatter. so really i was just trying to say hi or bye or how are you today and nothing more.

well the one time she yelled at me i WAS being kind of ridiculous on that instance.

but i still wish we talked about that incident. i kinda wanted her to apologize for overreacting. and it was an opportune time to discuss the Problems in our Rel.

but again i am kinda a confrontation avoider too. but she was even WORSE.

the best thing i could have done there was step up and be assertive, because she sure wasnt gonna. and say, THIS ENDS NOW.

instead i apologized for being weird and pushy to her, and secretly hoped she would apologize for yelling at me.

it wasnt really YELLING. you couldnt really make a scene there. but it was the most DIRECT thing she ever communicated to me with words: would you please leave now. just leave.

i was so shocked i couldnt respond, and i just left. and then apologized to her like a bitch over chat at the end of the day, although i was waiting for her to chat with me FIRST and apologize to me hahahahaha. of course she didnt. cuz it was all my fault.

to be fair i didnt act like a MAN and ASSERT MYSELF. i was essentially giving her permission to WALK ALL OVER ME, and by god she did, and showed me all the disrespect you would give a DOORMAT. i was a DOORMAT.

and when is a woman gonna give a DOORMAT the benefit of the doubt.

i dunno. i just women werent so hard on doormats hahahahaha. besides we were friends. i wish she said why are you being a doormat, dont be that way. and i wish i had been more assertive and stood up for myself.

i can totally understand why women, why people, dont respect doormats. but i wonder if they actually gave respect to the doormat, then the doormat might stop being a doormat.

but doormats dont deserve respect!

BUT i was thinking probably that because we were friends, yes i did deserve more respect as part of our friendship! maybe i wasnt a doormat, maybe i was just going through a rough patch and needed her to be there for me, support me, show me love and respect. or to hang out with me sometime. to want to spend time with me. rather than me being restricted to just chatting with her at work. thats not what a real friendship looks like!!!!!!

real friends hang out with each other!!!! are there for each other!!!!! end the friendship in a friendly way!!!!!

i mean i wasnt ALWAYS a doormat with her. we had a PAST! a HISTORY! a FOUNDATION! ROOTS!!!! and she just seemed to be disregarding all that. well yeah. she was distancing. she was ending the rel right then and there, checking out.

and its true i was acting different. then she acted different. and that was a fookin vicious circle.

TECHNICALLY SHE could have said THIS ENDS NOW. but she was not the type to do that. therefore the responsibility fell on me. plus the man SHOULD do that.

well she DIDNT need to say this ends now, she COULD HAVE just said YES i will hang out with you, lets hang out saturday and chill out and talk. THAT is something even a woman should be able to do. yes i accept your invitation to hang out. which i was asking her every 2 weeks so as not to be too pushy. hahahaha. a pushy doormat.

wanna hang out this weekend. maybe. ill text you and let you know. no text. talk to her on monday. how was you weekend. oh good. no comment on how she didnt text me. and i was too pussy to say THIS ENDS NOW. then friday say what are you doing this weekend? wanna hang out? we couldnt hang out last weekend you never texted me. oh yeah sorry abotu that. this weekend i dunno. ill text you if i can.  AND SO ON. it could have easily gone on longer than 10 months hahahahaha.

so yeah not my finest hour but i would have appreciated a LITTLE BIT of concern and effort from her. anything. just hang out with me for 2 hours. 3 would be better. ill buy you dinner. please please please please.

yeah its pathetic. i guess in the past i was a doormat to women as well. its so rarely i am interested in a woman so i forgot that when i am, i can be pushy, and a doormat. either way i have to stop doing that shit, and start ASSERTING myself, saying THIS ENDS NOW.

although next time i get interested in a woman, so much time will have passed, that i will have forgotten that i have a bad habit to become a doormat when i am interested in women hahahaha. since i only get interested in women once every 3 years hahahaha.

ACCEPT THE OCCAM EXPLANATION / RUN AWAY / SLVTDAR

feb 23

had a dream last night with HER in it, but thankfully i dont remember much. i think we were both being passive aggressive to each other: nice on the surface, but not so nice not so far beneath the surface. i think i was trying to get her to hang out and was disappointed she kept avoiding it, and so i was a little upset about that. sound familiar hahahaha.  anyway thank GOD the dream was not too intense. not gonna ruin my day. it was short and i remember very little about it.

are women on christian mingle dotcom less slutty and disgusting than women on okcupid or tinder? it seems tinder skews young which is good…..but young also skews slutty which is bad. problem is, those older women arent any better. they were young sluts once, and you cant undo all those cox they took. now they just might be more slow to the secs because they are looking for a REAL MAN to support their bastard kids from a badboy. they are now old and mature enough to make YOU pay for the casual sex of their Slut Past. NOPE.

of course i hate casual sex, but i also dont like it when women give it away to everybody (but me hahaha) when they are young, then try to pretend they are a Decent Marriageable Woman when they get older. near 30.

its not like praying the gay away hahahaha. you just cant pray the slut past away hahahaha.

this is why i prefer women who were NEVER sluts EVER.  devalue yourself even once, devalue yourself forever. NOT EVEN ONCE.

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

why commit to a 30 year old with kids who are not yours, when she was giving up dat ass to everyone when she was 20 and looked a lot better? even created New Human Life with some of them?  you kinda HAVE to have children with her to kind of balance the scales……but would you really WANT to? NO! every man wants his children to be born by a woman where her first child is HIS!!!!! you WANT to be the father of a womans FIRST child!!!! pop her child bearing cherry hahahaha. hehehe that sounds degenerate, but its really a beautiful and sacred thing.

POST SHRINK WRAP UP

hehehe been seeing the shrink every 3 weeks. had a decent session today where i went right for what i really wanted to talk about: that person and how can i get over her. dealing with this pain. getting over her. moving on. basically became a talking version of this blog hahahaha.

i told the shrink (LMSW 36 year old woman, not some fancy rich j00ish phd or god forbid md psychiatrist, so “shrink” sends the wrong message. this is a place where REAL Working Class people go, or also court ordered people. real people with real problems, and i would wager some of them get Real Help! I am very satisfied with the quality of muh “therapist” which I believe is what they call themselves. therapist or counselor. social worker hahahaha. clinical social worker.)

my concern that i wanted a dr phil court of relationship law authority to weigh the evidence and say that i didnt do anything WRONG, that i had not done a horrible crime. the shrink played the dr phil role and repeated that i had done nothing wrong. i am a gentle kind person who does not do monstrous things. i didnt do anything bad or horrible and i certainly didnt deserve this.

and rather than take the interpretation that she HATES me and ACCUSES me of doing something WRONG, its really a more LIKELY explanation that she was just like a frightened animal. completely overwhelmed, oh crap i dont know what to do i dunno what to do i dunno what to do, so you run away! run away!!!!!! she didnt know how to deal with it, so she just decided NOT to deal with it AT ALL. just run away from it. doesnt mean she hates me. she probably DOESNT hate me. because we were friends and she appreciated that. but she had NO idea how to deal with the feelings that i was showing. she probably read those signals correctly and said NO. I CANT HANDLE THAT. THIS CANT BE. and decided to run away from it.

shrink said she seems kinda BASIC in that she’s a first level thinker, not gonna overthink stuff too much, and the simplest solution is probably the best here: she just was confused, overwhelmed, and scared, fight or flight kicked it, so she flew. fled. fleed. she prob doesnt HATE me and is not saying i did anything WRONG, although yeah you can see how i could take that interpretation of it. it is a valid interpretation of the event. but not the only one, and probably not the simplest one. and she was a pretty simple person. simple. basic. not the sharpest knife in the drawer. first level. not a deep thinker. not an overthinker. slightly dim and dull. the constant MJ did not help either.

saying that she thought this was a betrayal and hates me…well thats an extra step for a very simple mind. basically she just felt overwhelmed, confused, couldnt deal with it, didnt want to deal with it, and ran away, and is certainly not going to come back to deal with the fallout. just literally avoid it forever and forget about it.

she probably didnt realize how STRONG my feelings were and when it dawned on her exactly how strong they were, she got scared and confused and overwhelmed. it wasnt just some little crush. and yeah i understand how that could be a scary thing, to have someone LOVE you when you dont LOVE them back.

what do you do when you are scared and confused? RUN AWAY! it doesnt mean you hate the person or think they wronged you…..especially when you used to be good longterm friends. she probably DOES feel bad. she’s just too afraid to DEAL with it. she doesnt WANT to deal with it. she wont contact me, and she will block me when i try to contact her. she literally just cant even.

of COURSHE that sucks even more for me, that its like insult on top of injury. that i am hurt MORE by her being a Frightened Animal than by here simply saying sorry i dont feel the same way, sorry.

really i just wanted my FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED. rather than blocked. no one INTENDS to harm the one they are dumping…..but dumpings are INHERENTLY painful, so the COURTEOUS thing to do is say, i KNOW this hurts you, and IM SORRY. even if you didnt technically do anything wrong. just be sorry for their pain. show some compassion in the face of their pain. that you are unintentionally causing. acknowledge their feelings as real.

anyway i said i wouldnt be doing any detective work anymore to find any more of her dating profiles.

its not like i did this obsessively, i did it ONCE. well….

i DID try to get on tinder with the intention of finding her. when technical issues stopped me from getting on tinder, i then tried okcupid. found her so fast its not even funny. looked at the profile ONCE. then soon after deactivated my okcupid so i wouldnt look at her profile ever again.

i do not obsessively, constantly look at profiles in other words. i stopped doing that shit when i was 25 or so hahahaha. i mean post rejection. pre rejection, i looked at the fb profiles all the time.

i expressed my displeasure with the Moral Relativism Slippery Slope that nobodys responsible for anything because everythings a matter of perception. NO. some things are literally wrong and are not merely just in your head.

so she did something wrong, but there was probably not malice behind it. she was just a simple creature. i kind of like that in women, because it makes you kinda a protector or patriarch; AND it ensures they wont be concocting elaborate schemes to screw you and hurt you. and will have less complicated hamster rationalizations.

but it also means they sometimes obtusely miss the obvious. or they get scared by complicated things like friends getting feelings and dont know how to deal with it.

just make this problem go away. i cant deal with it.

yeah its kinda shitty of me to do but i just cant deal with it. i just cant talk to him at all. so its shitty of me. so be it, i cant talk to him. yeahs its shitty of me, yeah im sorry to hurt him, but i just CANT talk to him. period. no hate or malice. just total paralysis and fear and running away and avoidance. period.

and there is plenty of explanation why she Is That Way: tough childhood, father abandoned her, that explains everything always. shit yeah its SAD.

but yeah just because she might not HATE me, doesnt mean she secretly wants to talk to me again, she just needs to be Pushed or Approached by me. see how good pushing worked in the past. what i needed to do was say THIS ENDS NOW, enough of this, i want to hang out soon or i will not be happy, you make some TIME for me baby. i want to hang out with you, why dont you want to hang out with me? why are you AVOIDING me INDEFINITELY?

also i looked at a message she sent me in april i think, and she said, and i quote, “OF COURSE WE’LL HANG OUT SOON”. now THAT is the DEFINITION of a MIXED MESSAGE.

to say we’ll hang out soon, and then continue avoiding me for months. MIXED MESSAGE. what was i SUPPOSED to think???? and of course i wanted to hang out. that was my ideal hahahaha. and i had an idealized vision of her, because thats what LUV DOES. you IDEALIZE the other person. put them on a little bit of a PEDESTAL. which is what Kabob Rapist PUA Manospheres dont seem to understand.

i do blame women because women are the gatekeepers of sex, they CONTROL THE SUPPLY. so there would not be these sleazy pickup artists, if there were no sleazy women giving it up to them. the women could just say no. JUST SAY NO TO CASUAL SEX. and i would wager only a very SMALL minoirty of those pickup sleazebags are ACTUAL rapists, in other words, if a woman refuses, the PUA will say ok fine baby, i’ll just go bang some other skank then. he’s not gonna hold the woman down and raep her. they may be degenerate, but theyre not THAT evil.

so yeah just say no to sodomy, ie degenerate sex, casual sex, and then the pua’s will disappear because there wont be any SLUTS to have casual sex with them!!!!

this doesnt absolve pua’s of all responsibility though. they should just say no to sluts. kinda hard for guys to turn down secs though. but still. to make a lifestyle and a whole movement about banging sluts your WHOLE LIFE LONG, thats fooking degenerate. maybe bang a FEW sluts at most, but you should be married to a nice gurl by the time you are 25 and she is 18 hahahaha and then immediately start having children.

as they say on the daily show episode 72

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/02/17/the-daily-shoah-72-peanut-butter-gasmask-sandwiches/

dont Go Your Own Way, rather, Get Your Own Wife!!!!!

basically, being a PUA is like being a r-selected negro. MUH DICKIN your whole life, banging anything that moves, pump and dump, abandoning your children, being a deadbeat, only thinking about MUH DICK. we are BETTER than that.

of course this doesnt mean Man Up And Marry Those Sluts. NEVER Marry a Slut, or even an Ex Slut.

well, unless she is ASHAMED and REPENTANT of her slut days, wasnt TOO big of a slut back then, and could write you a 10,000 word essay right now on Why Slutting Is Bad and Shameful, and you could read it over and say yep she understands. ie not “being a slut is wrong because it makes jesus cry.” NO. of course it DOES, but thats not why its wrong. its wrong because it degrades the sacred purpose of sex and the sacred RESPONSIBILITY of women as life creators.

THINK LESS WITH YOUR CLITORIS AND MORE WITH YOUR UTERUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ThinkWithYourUterusNotYourClitoris

#TWYUNYC

being a slut is the equivalent of being a MUH DICK PUA. muh clitoris. muh tingles. muh recreational casual no strings attached secs. NO. there SHOULD be strings attached. ALWAYS. strings are GOOD AND NATURAL AND RIGHT AND JUST.

cuz i admit, its HARD to find a woman who hasnt had a Slut Phase when she was Young and Stupid. I did stupid shit when i was young, lots of it, and i regret it now, and i’ve ALREADY written MANY 10,000 word essays on WHY its wrong and shameful to be a damn degenerate hedonist smoking MJ and drinking alcohol all the time, and being a damn coward not grabbing life by the horns, taking the path of least resistance. fook yeah i was a degenerate too, so i have NO RIGHT to turn down sluts.

SLUTS ARE THE BEST I CAN GET hehehehe.

yeah well i still dont like em. i dont care if i dont have the right to not like them hahahaha i will dislike them anyway.

but yeah she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. part of that came from the MJ but i think part of it was natural too. especially when it came to THinking and Talking about Relationships. i was 9000000000000000 times more articulate and Intelligent than her in this area.

the better interpretation is that she jsut got SCARED, CONFUSED, and OVERWHELMED, said I cant deal with this, and just ran away.

NOT she HATES me for BETRAYING her. that is a bridge too far and she might not have been Sophisticated enough to come up with such a sophisticated error in logic.

well women arent logical of course but…..i mean the second situation is just more complicated and we should really go with occams razor just because why not. it would do ME a hell of a lot better to do occams razor, PLUS there is at LEAST a 50% chance the occam option is the correct one, so why not choose it????!!??!?!?!

lars ulrich is 25% jewish today i learned hahahaha from hearsay on his wikipedia hahahaha that one grandmother was jewish hahahahaha. yes it seems to check out. his full white grandfather married a jewish woman and lars father is thus half jewish hahahaha.

well, what if That Woman was not a Full Jew? if she were only a half jew, then lars would only be 12.5% jewish. and that’s not so bad is it?

its twice as good as being 25% hahahahaha.

for ME, 6.25% would be the MAXIMUM i would tolerate for mothers of muh children. the absolute maximum.

hehehe how many blacks would i tolerate the mother of my white children to have fooked in her colaburning past?

uh well at least one apparently HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i cant even see myself supporting two. one is real iffy, two is just over the line.

also, its REALLY RARE that a woman is just with ONE black guy. AND they havent been with a lot of guys total. 99% of the time, if they been with one black guy, they’ve been with a LOT of guys, period, too many, and PROBABLY more than ONE black guy in there.

so i was facing a REALLY RARE UNIQUE situation in my own life. do i accept a woman who had been with one and only one black guy, and not a lot of guys total? i mean this sounds like a total UNICORN!

but that was the reality. well, NOW, she is probably going to BECOME a slut, add a LOT of guys to her once-small number, and PROBABLY add some more black guys to that too. damn. its SAD to see a nonslut BECOME a slut. and at an older age too. its SAD. usually a slut is a slut by the time they are 21. they dont START BEING a slut well AFTER 21. but thats the risk she is facing.

i guess i WANT her to become a slut because then it proves that i will have dodged a bullet. but what if she continues being a Prudent, Low Number, Non Casual Sex Liking woman? Virtuous and Moral? well good for her and her future husband hahahaha. bad for me hahahahaha.

yeah its just jeeeeeez. wish she coulda been more mature. just wrote a damn email, a text, had someone ELSE send a message on her behalf, done ANYTHING.

but its better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her “throwing me away like a piece of garbage.”

but fook i sure feel like i was TALAPOG.

well, MUCH better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her Punishing Me for Committing a Crime against her, or her Actively Hating me for a wrong reason, and doing this to me because of that hate.

she was just scared and completely overwhlemed.

oh well thats my FAULT though. i made her get completely overwhelmed.

yeah well my feelings werent gonna change. and she could have hung out wiht me rather than AVOIDED hanging out for 10 months, WHILE saying things like “yes we will hang out soon!”

0224

yeah so i think that was a real productive meeting with the shrink.

but it introduced a new bad idea: if i buy into the Healthier Occam explanation of she doesnt HATE me, she’s not MISUNDERSTANDING me as “betraying her”, and that in reality she was just scared and overwhlemed and didnt want to deal with it and Ran Away………THEN that might make her more likely to respond to me contacting her, than if she hated me. if she doesnt hate me, then i have a better chance at getting her to apologize to me.

and if she doesnt HATE me, perhaps I could Convince her to hang out with me again, we got along so well, lets restart our friendship, we are good people who are good for each other.

and then if i hung out with her, i would ABSOLUTELY try to make a Move on her; i would fall in love with her IMMEDIATELY, the love feelings would CERTAINLY come rushing back the moment she responded to me, and i would be scheming and pushing her to hang out and i would be ALL OVER HER trying to date her.

and that has NEVER worked out well. i have “Rekindled” things with woman2004 and 2005, and it sucked with both of them. i should have never went barking up those trees. it took courage yes, but it also did no good for me. i just got my hopes up AGAIN, and they disappointed me AGAIN, and i hated them more.

also, yes i would like an apology, but would it really be WORTH IT to reach out to her and ask for it? given all those others, given that my ultimate goal would be to Get With Her, no it wouldnt. PLUS what i really want is an unforced, unprompted apology. i want her to apologize of her own free will, not because i ask her to apologise. also, the ball has been in her court since……always really. since she started AVOIDING me in fooking fall 2014. so now im gonna send another ball to her court asking for an apology? fook no. the apology isnt WORTH IT if THATS what i have to do to get it.

PLUS: even if i COULD convince her to apologize, and convince her hang out….you think she would be all excited and happy and lovey dovey at that hangout? i would be trying to touch her and make out with her and she would probably be like ew no. im fooking 3 guys from tinder right now and you are just too weird. dont you remember when i said i wasnt into you.

and I would look pushy, because it WOULD be kinda pushy, and she would REALLY see me as the bad guy, AND she wouldnt understand or care about my pain abotu being thrown away. she would say UGH im GLAD i threw you away because you are a pushy annoying little faggot bitch, trying to scheme your way into muh pants. gtfo weirdo creeper, our friendship has been over for a long time. without taking any responsibility for the terrible ending of that friendship.

heh. this is the bad thing about being pushy. i dont think its the biggest crime in the world but women HATE it and its enough to convince them you’re the bad guy and they did NOTHING wrong and are RIGHT to treat you like shit. i dont think being pushy is that bad! i agree its not awesome, its beeta and weak, but its not as BAD as these women make it out to be!

so the alternative to being pushy and needling and wheedling and trying to Chip Away at them…..is to be direct and say…..i still have feelings for you, do you wanna try Dating? and i would have to say that very early. cuz that is my intention. i dont WANT to rekindle a platonic friendship, i still want to DATE her.

and what do you think she would say? UGH. SIGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. I NEED SOME SPACE.

HINT: THIS MEANS NO.

and then i would try to give them space, she would continue avoiding the issue, i would get impatient finally and start being pushy, and the more i pushed, the more she would shut down and pull away. just like what happened before. except maybe with more communication.

and theres a good chance that she would not be capable of GOOD communication on this. it would always be UGH. stop pushing me. stop being annoying. i dont know. im not sure. i dont know. i dont know. this is not fun. the guys from tinder are FUN. they dont ask all these intense questions.

she would always have one foot out the door in other words. she would not be fully committed to me. she wouldnt even be able to say YES or NO. she would say I DONT KNOW but PROBABLY mean NO. And I would have the pain of seeing her, and seeing her reject me, and seeing her grow to hate me, seeing her fook Fun Diseased Degens from Tinder, while being bitchy and avoiding me. more than likely ending in a Second Dumping, and maybe even a Second Ghosting, and this time I could be SURE that she hated me, for being pushy and annoying, AND would care even LESS about hurting me, because i was really a Jerk, she didnt realize what a Jerk I was, but I am, and I deserve to be shut down harshly.

it would likely play out like that, and thus be even WORSE than when i rekindled with w04 and w05. with them i was able to guilt them into a few make-out sessions. which got my hopes way up. but they didnt really want to date me tho, and essentially ended up dumping me a second time, and boy did i hate them for that. but i really brought it all on myself.

it would be DIFFERENT if she contacted ME, she apologized to ME unprompted, she asked ME to hang out, and she showed a lot of concern about MY feelings, and sincere remorse for hurting me, AND said YES to the idea of Dating, rather than I DUNNO. If she came up to me out of the blue, and was super NICE, and smiling and warm; and i touched her and she smiled, and then we started making out, and there would be no UGH or SIGH or Stahp It. Just Stahp. but rather yes, i have been thinking about this, and i think yes there is a good chance here. then THAT would be different.

but imagine if i through my pushiness i guilted her in to making out with me, and then having secs with me, and after just a little making out and one secs session, i would be more in luv with her than ever before. and imagine if she were to dump me right after that. i would be just as devastated as i was before, maybe even more, after having penetrated her soft white body which would DEFINITELY cause my feelings to get even STRONGER.

basically, she would need to have as STRONG of feelings for me as i have for her…..and that is basically IMPOSSIBLE.

I wouldnt need just a YES, in other words, but a STRONG YES.

when more than likely i would get an uncommittal, avoidant IDUNNO.

IF i were able to convince and push her to hang out.

because its still 70% chance at least that she would just not respond ANYWAY. She would be VERY likely to say, OH GOD ITS HIM AGAIN, HES BACK!!!!!! and then switch RIGHT back into flight mode and avoid, ignore, and block me. because she cant deal with it. i cant even.

also, if we reconnected, we would HAVE to deal with the fallout of the past. deal with that baggage of how things ended in the first place. deal with the things that led up to that. not just ignore those things and attempt to start off on a clean slate. becuase its not a clean slate and can never be, with past shit like that. the past is the past, its done and gone, but here IMHO we would NEED to resolve it, because its fooking unresolved as fook.

i think with the previous women where i reconnected, we never really dealt with the past, just ignored it.

also, they had just lost interest in me the second time around. shit they lost interest the FIRST time around, thats why they dumped me: they were just not interested in a rel. they were all idunno until a few weeks/months with the likes of me, mr needy and clingy, got them to make up their mind, to a DEFINITE NO.

and with That Woman, we never made out, had secs, or pseudodated in the first place! there was no ambiguity of us Going Through the Motions of an Intimate Relationship, doing things Lovers Do, like Making Out and Secs and Romance.

which is the benefit of having Romance Early. but then they always want to have Secs too early too. sluts. romance early is good because you’re signalling to each other that you view each other with Potential, you find each other attractive, youre interested in possibly dating them, you possibly might like like them, or get feelings for them.

its different than Friends First where one person has feelings, and the other person doesnt. its less one sided in other words.

that doesnt mean Friends First would never work. I still really like the idea of Friends First. I think Friends First guarantees that your feelings are strong and real and longterm. however its more painful when you get rejected hehehehe.

so, ideally, you would be Friends First, then BOTH people gradually develop feelings after time. BOTH.

also, just wanted to mention that there was no tension when i first met her and she was with the first guy, because i WONT EVEN ALLOW myself to get feelings for a woman who is not available, who has a longterm boifran. I will put her OFF LIMITS in my mind RIGHT AWAY. thats essentially what i did with her. i was like, shes got a boifran, well then she is off limits. simple as that. she’s just off limits. im not gonna get TOO close with her, I’m gonna keep this very professional and platonic. and i had no problem doing that.

but once that BF was GONE, i started feeling differently. this was NO COINCIDENCE. now that she WAS single, I was able to ALLOW MYSELF to start thinking about her differently. and THEN the tension came in.

but point is, I dont think its BAD to “force yourself” to consider the person “off limits” while they are with someone else. it doesnt seem like forcing. i honestly didnt have tension with her then, and didnt think of her that way. i didnt write about it, i didnt THINK about it.

literally! notice that before I Got Feelings, I barely even WROTE about her, other than to say she was a very nice girl, a decent female friend, and its kinda WEIRD that i’m not in luv with her, but i respect the rel she has with her BF, and i honestly have no desire to interfere with that. and that was true!

it was only AFTER they were done, that shit started getting PROBLEMATIC hehehehe.

I am really good at stopping feelings from starting i guess. oh hey thats good if i ever want to start having degenerate casual sex, i can force myself not to ever get feelings hahahaha.

well no. i think when you make out, cuddle, and especially have SEX with someone, it triggers something primal in your brain, oxytocin probably, and it MAKES you have feelings for them, and you shouldnt try to extinguish that, or else you become a cold heart cok carousel rider with the 1000 cok stare. burn yourself out. not good.

yeah. its just sad. we got along SO GOOD (well) as Just Friends. We supported each other and liked and respected each other and made each other feel good and it was nice just Spanning Time together. A Real Good Connection. It was a platonic friendship but not like with a man, just because she was naturally gentler and warmer and more feminine than a man, i liked that, and all this really CAUSED me to get feelings for her. I thought it could have been smooth transition. we would essential keep our good, close, friendly, supportive rel, and “just” add loving secs, loving cuddles, making out to it. and spend more time together, doing all that stuff, and just become closer as a result. it seemed like a change in degree rather than in kind. like we would go from becoming good friends, to becoming great very very close intimate emotionally supportive friends, who cuddled and fooked and loved each other. it was a change but the change made sense, a sensible continuation down this path, our shared path hahahaha.

she was great as a Platonic Friend, and I think she would have been great as a Gurlfran, but fact is, she would have been TERRIBLE as a gurlfran, as shown by the way she acted. i honestly didnt expect. she was a decent good friend who showed compassion and support and sweetness, so i figured if she didnt want to take it to the next level, she would reject me with that same compassion and caring about my feelings. rather than turning into a completely different person. i didnt expect that.

but yeah. i remember the platonic days and how WELL we got along; and how MUCH that DIFFERED from the end. she couldnt handle it and became SO distant and SO different!!!!

very sad. sad sad sad. it was a good friendship that had inherent value. she was a big person in my life. i used to be a big person in her life too. it didnt always used to be so one sided. it wasnt all a fantasy in my head like it was with previous women.

i watched intervention and there was sonia and julia

which i had never seen the whole episode and had been wanting to. but it was very sad and moving. but i had some interesting reactions. like i thought the girls were really cute, well they needed to GAIN WEIGHT hahaha and stop being sickly skeletons. gain like 30 or 40 pounds i dunno. and they obviously needed to be separated. and it was obviously their parents loved them unlike some of the intervention parents who are very cold and hateful and unfeeling and unloving. however the parents can never understand, and they unintentionally enable, and really cant help the girls. plus i dont think they needed to give their “bottom lines”, where you basically say, if you dont go to rehab, i am disowning you and kicking you out on the street and giving you tuff luv. the one girl says, i dont want to hear the bottom line, and the mother says it anyway.

in some cases the bottom line may be good, but not here. are you seriously gonna throw these poor gurls out on the street? they would be eaten alive. they would be raped the shit out of, and die very quickly. and the parents loved the gurls enough that i dont think they WOULD kick them out on the streets. but they were terrible commuincators in english. i thought they should have done the intervention in their native polish language rather than making the parents speak their horrible english. (they should have spoken much better english after being in USA 20+ years.) (I also love Poles, they are some of the greatest people in the world ever, so naturally i wanted to marry one of these polish gurls.) I thought a better bottom line would be, have one sister stay with the older sister, and the other twin could stay with the parents.

Or, better yet, arrange a marriage with a decent young man! i honestly think that would be a viable solution here. they could certainly find a young, well-adjusted, loving, non abusive, gainfully employed, white polish young man/men for the gurls to marry! there are men LINING UP to WHITE KNIGHT for Severely Emotionally Disturbed Gurls!!!!!

and then i thought, how weird is this. I am saying i would wilfully marry a gurl who is BATSHIT insane, just because she is cute and young and comes from a traditional family and probably hasnt been with a lot of guys. They gave the impression of not being sluts. Because their Traditional Father would not allow it. and they had Secsual Innocence about them. you can feel it when a gurl hasnt been with Too Many Gurls. Slut Radar.

SLUT RADAR! SLUTDAR!!!!!!

they were batshit insane, but they were not sluts! and here i am lining up to marry a young gurl i dont know, who is batshit fooking insane, clearly, and would always have that baggage, and that wasnt ultimately a dealbreaker for me! its more important that they were young, cute, innocent, trad fam, polish! with those pros i could overlook a HELL of a lot, including insane Codependence and Deadly Anorexia!

I thought, well, I’ll take the one with PRoblem Hair cuz she is a little cuter, well hell I’m an old loser, I’ll take the LESS cute one i dont care, I will treat her well, not cheat on her, get some food in her, put some babies in her. having a baby would fix her right up! also i would treat her well, get her to a decent weight, because I like to eat, so i would get her to eat. I would find a way. I’d keep her apart from her twin sister when it was unhealthy. I would cuddle with her and make babies with her and make her nice and healthy and happy. just promise that she wont abandon me or screw me over or cheat on me and we will live happily ever after in a traditional family. i am even interested in learning polish language, i fooking LOVE poles, i come from polish stock myself and would LOVE to have polish babies with a polish gurl like your batshit crazy anorexic but not-slutty daughter sir.

i would take a super crazy anorexic NUTCASE, over a garden variety slut. over a gurl that has been with…..more than 5 guys.

because a slut is inherently crazy. being a slut makes you crazy and sociopathic and antisocial. average slut is crazier than a BATSHIT crazy nonslut! ie, sluts are MORE THAN BATSHIT crazy!!!!!

they seemed to be doing OK after their treatment, gaining some much needed weight, having Healthy Boundaries, and then it said that they went on to Graduate College and Move to Different Cities. of course that got my mind working. what did they major in. what JOBS did they get. how do batshit crazy people interview for Good Jobs and GET them. which essentially makes them more Emotionally and Life Mature than me, hahahahaha.

did they become huge SLUTS after they went back to college/ became successful independent adults? or did they stick with their traditional family values?

their older nontwin sister seemed ok and she got married at a nowadays young age to a decent looking goy. i dont think SHE slutted it up either. and said nope no carousel for me, i want to get MARRIED. this is the proper way for all women to be.