ITS LESS PAINFUL TO HATE WOMEN THAN TO STILL WANT THAT WOMAN

aug 1

shit i was so triggered by that stupid xkcd friends comic that i lost sleep thinking i was that guy with her, and thats why she hates me, and i am a horrible person who did a horrible thing. a dishonest liar coward.

and if im defending myself, then its probably because i see myself in the character no?

well lemme state that i agree that nice guys tm as they are presented are shitty and horrible and anybody who REALLY does this should feel ashamed. but i just dont thing these things happen this way!

these nice guy haters NEVER address the questions of: how can you hide your feelings so well for so long?

even though it IS the responsibility of the person with feeligns to express those feelings, why cant the woman say, something feels WEIRD here, it feels like you are starting to get feelings for me. why doesnt that ever happen?

because usually EVERYONE CAN TELL the guy is in luv with the gurl. his friends know, everyone knows, why doesnt the WOMAN have even the LEAST suspicion?

does the guy deny to himself and to everyone that he has feelings for her?

whats wrong about a friendship that grows into something deeper? what if youre still getting over someone else? what if you dont like fooking people right away?

why does the woman have to date SO MANY GUYS and Fook them? why is she such a damn slut with a revolving door of badbois? She has SOME responsibility for PICKING these “jerks.”

i wanted a damn attorney to argue my case that I was NOT a NICEGUYtm.

  1. i wasnt trying to HIDE shit. I was TRYING to talk about it and get it out in the open.
  2. i wasnt “settling” for friendship as a “consolation prize.”
  3. my feelings CHANGED in the MIDDLE of the friendship.
  4. i wanted her to STAY with her “jerk” original BF. I didnt think he was a jerk per se and I encouraged her to make an EFFORT with him.
  5. i CHANGED entirely once I began liking her and she totally noticed the difference in my behavior and thought it was weird.
  6.  i DID respect her.
  7.  i DID value the friendship. but i was willing to sacrifice it all for the TRUTH to come out.

anyway i AGREE with the author that being That Guy is WRONG, but i dont think theres so many nerdy men out there doing this.

when you get FEELINGS for someone, its an IMPORTANT thing, its not like some woman fooking 9000 badboys. you have REAL feelings, and you get nervous, and confused, and scared, and mentally and emotionally compromised. you dont make the best decisions about how to handle things.

like getting nervous at a job interview like i have tomorrow and thursday hahaha. you dont say things super confidently like trumpenfuhrer.

heh. the author of xkcd is younger than me. not that i am YOUNG! but i used to be young. in skool, i was used to being the youngest one in my class.

also, he was a successful nerd who went on to have a GREAT career, and have GFs, and write a comic that thousands of people liked and allowed him to quit his GREAT NASA scientist job. why would you quit that?

so yeah i hate thinking i was LIKE THAT.  I KNOW being like that is WRONG. I never WANT to be like that. but I did act so well either. I SCARED ok? its not EASY to blurt out to somebody that you luv them! so i tried to figure out other ways of doing it! and that wasted a lot of time.

but she could have hung out with me once, like the xkcd gurl HUNG OUT with the cueball guy. she wasnt avoiding him like the plague because she thought he liked her hahaha.

also he stops being a bad niceguy the second she consents to a relationship with him! nobody ever points this out!

oh but he was manipulating her in a moment of weakness and loneliness.

well shit, arent our whole LIVES moments of weakness and loneliness????

i was lonely but that doesnt mean i settled for her out of loneliness!

and why didnt she just dump him like 2 days after they fooked and said yeah i was drunk, we shouldnt do this?

the woman gets into a new relationship every month, the man hasnt been in a rel in 10 years. of COURSE he’s gonna be rusty and AWKWARD and nervous and be the antithesis of SMOOTH!

dont accuse someone of lying and scheming and deceiving when really they are just awkward and scared to say “i like u”. cant you tell from the way they act around you that they like you? them texting you all the time with smileys and hearts and them wanting to hang out and buy you dinner and walk in the park and all that?

don’t these niceguys do that?

how are these niceguys hiding their feelings? or are the women just that bad at reading obvious signals? i don’t doubt that either.  like we said before, women are notoriously bad at relationships and communication. just godawful at these things. if relships were a meritocracy for women, the species would go extinct. because they are all incompetent at the WORK and ACTION that needs to be done to build and maintain relationships. you do all the work for them cuz you cant make babies without them. but they dont know that hahaha. they dont know ANYTHING hahaha.

i wasnt perfect, i made some mistakes, but i was NOT a niceguytm like that comic portrays!

it hits close to home because i have stuff in common with niceguytms and worry that i might be confused for one. well im not, and i will be the first to tell you i hate women and i am not a nice guy hahahaha. just a hateful woman hater. i dont LIKE it, but they just give me SO MUCH to HATE hahahahaha. stop being so god damn hatable! Be Better! Do Better!

and i especially hate thinking that SHE thought I was like that! but i dont know for sure if she thought that.

had 2 more recruiters call me today. i think its MONSTER. every time you upload a new resume, it automatically gets set to public. i uploaded one a few days ago. i guess i forgot about that.

i mean i wouldnt want to be a recruiter either. calling 40 people a day. how can you even juggle that many people? i just cant juggle that many people. but i guess you’re SUPPOSED to if you want a job. and you have to have a job. no wonder women can JUGGLE SO MANY men. you just have SUPER shallow “relships” with them all.

SUPER shallow. quantity not quality. r not K.

yes i care what people think about me. not all people, but the people i care about. i care if they have the completely wrong idea about me and think i am a horrible person when im really just a coward who desperately wants to not be a horrible person!

im trying so hard not to be a horrible person, its just SO HARD hahahahahahahahaha.

hooray 100 jobs in 1 month. well, 1 month and 1 day.

i just get ANGRY looking at these jobs and thinking should i apply, could i handle this, how stupid is this, and then think of HER making good money, moving forward, staying TOUGH, and i am way smarter than her, and I have THREE times the college she does hahahaha, and EIGHT years older than her, yet she is doing SO much better at life than me, and i am having SUCH a hard time doing the BARE MINIMUM.

welp see the dr next week, will ax them to bump me up from 40 mg citalopram to im guessing 60. i dunno. that would be my guess. not like anybody knows what they are doing anyway. so give me a huge xanax prescription, a huge painkiller prescription, also a MJ prescription, etc.  thats what i think you should do doc.

but maybe there will be a cute 22 year old medical skool gurl there hahahaha. and ill be like did you i graduated from BLA BLA and she will say oooo i wish i could have gone there and Ill say yep its a great school innit, well i still became a huge failure and i wish i could be as successful and normie as you, a 22 year old med student hahahaha. i mean you got accepted to med skool, thats a big deal. i had already crashed and burned by that age. i peaked in high school hahahaha. looks like youre peaking in med skool. good for you. want to go for coffee in an elevator hahahahaha and talk about how science is awesome and how women should be polyandrous hahahaha and may I Prep Milady’s Bull pl0x?

so applying to jobs and thinking of her sneering down on me….she’s NOT REALLY DOING THAT. but she prob IS more successful than me and just moved WAY ahead of me in the Game of Life. but she doesnt care enough to sneer at ME. i wish she did hahahaha

but yeah point is, i shouldnt even think of HER while doing jobsearch, but i DO, possibly because i am a masochist.

ok applied to 5 jobs today AND printed out my interview stuff for tomorrow. prob wont apply to anything tomorrow, or maybe 1.  and then have the awkward social situation tomorrow night with the drunk team member. he didnt show up last week so we dodged a bullet. he never NOT shows up, so that was a first. so he is bound to come back soon. and we will have to deal with the situation.

i hate EXPLAINING things to people because most of the time I dont understand whats going on. it is SO HARD for me to UNDERSTAND new stuff QUICKLY. i can use flashcards to memorize it quickly but it still doesnt make any SENSE.  and thats where the bullshitting comes in.

so i dont even grade the postings any more, i just say APPLY, APPLLYYYYYYY for the really good ones, or maybe for the meh ones. thats all there is, because thats all that matters.

i really should LIFT, or i really should do some kind of sprinting or high intensity thing with my powerwalks. that was the one good thing about the Fatclub, well besides staring at indecently dressed sluts, that I got pretty good at Jogging. now i dont jog any more.

EXPLANATIONS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

saying just tell me what to do and i’ll do it pleasssseeeee is for the WEAK.

ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE.

WEED OUT THE WEAK.

MIGHT MAKES RIGHT.

now excuse me while I listen to James Read War Metal hahahahaha

i mean i do basically agree with all that. being weak hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life.

i basically hate all NORMIES like HER who arent in the middle of this grueling, humiliating, terrifying job search process. where every day you feel like a worthless, incompetent, subhuman, subminimum piece of shit retard loser neet. ohhhh and shesss such a bigggg winnnneerrrrrr.

no, she doesnt even CARE. she FORGOT about me long ago, has new friends now.

and i dont. i am not super close with my weekly event friends but im not sure i really WANT to be. i mean we dont have too much in common. they are nice people and we get along but i dont feel a super close connection with them.

maybe i should look on the social anxiety forum for how they deal with angry customers demanding explanations for things you dont understand, but you cant transfer them, so you have be cool under pressure and bullshit your way out of it. cuz really the ANXIETY is what kills you in these situation. not the despair. but the anxiety is the big problem there at that time.

there is another stupid xkcd comic called “rejection” which shames guys who get mad when they get rejected. because you’re supposed to be HAPPY about being REJECTED. good god. how does this guy live with himself. because he’s got a good job and makes a lot of money and somehow is better with the ladeez than me. i dunno. maybe he has an open relationship or cucking fetish. would explain a lot. i mean what kind of MAN is a FEMINIST. thats what he comes off as. a feminist male. and i guess the feminists give him enough action to keep him a servile feminist.

did nice 5 mile powerwalk

that feel when you feel like you just cant DO shit, you cant DO a job. your customers call you asking you to do something for them, and you dont know how to do it, and you look like an incompetent idiot who is not qualified for your job.

like for example this job interview tomorrow. i dont know shit about security systems. cameras and alarms. but that shit is gonna be in my purview. people could get away with crimes if i dont know what im doing. say i see somebody getting K’d on a surveillance camera. or rather, the camera went out, i neglected to fix it because i didn’t know how, and during that time, someone got K’d in view of that broken camera, where if i had fixed it, there would be a good chance of Identifying the Suspect or something.

but OOPS i fooked up and this guy gets off scott free and a poor white gurl is dead.

not that this is a high crime area. but there is the occasional groping or assault or theft by a nonwhite.

also the job starts at 40k. are you kidding me? i am only asking for 26k hahahaha. but i wont tell them that.

well i found their knowlege base, it only has like 15 articles in it hahaha.

well i mean shit if they want to hire me, they’ll hire me, in fact the odds are against me. MAYBE they want me for the midnight shift. i mean shit that is when all the people do crime, at like 3 or 4 in the morning.

i just wanted to BE HEARD. if youre gonna punish me, give me a chance to explain myself before the court.

that xkcd friends comic needs like a sequel or an update or a few more chapters to fill out the story.

and who exactly is cueball and who exactly is this woman in the larger universe of the comic? i mean maybe this cueball guy really truly is a little bitch. its hard to tell ANYTHING from this one comic.

notice cueball is not showing a lot of internal conflict. this does reflect poorly on him. when my feelings started, i had HELLA internal conflict, because i wanted to tell her. i wanted to show her. i tried showing her because i was too scared to blurt out “i like u nao” and the tension and conflict rose and rose until it exploded. none of this happens in the cueball situation. in fact, she is hanging out with him, sitting on the couch next to him, drinking. COME ON.

and hows he supposed to know she did that because of a moment of weakness? ESPECIALLY if she continues dating him? that just doesnt happen. she would in reality just dump him soon after saying, yeah dont get too used to that because i was just drunk and it didnt mean anything.

BELIEVE ME, if she didnt REALLY WANT to be in a rel with him, she would LEAVE HIS ASS in the blink of an eye. she wouldnt STAY WITH HIM while she figured it out. dump first, figure it out / rationalize it later.

so yeah i dont like how the comic portrays the woman as a blameless victim. yeah, cueball is a little bitch, but the woman is an immature IDIOT too who bears SOME responsibility. dont turn her into some innocent martyr. shes a fookin MORON who is too immature to have ANY relationship but she just falls into them because women are the supply, men are the demand.

this is what i write about instead of thinking about muh job interview tomorrow. yeah i am a little worried about that too hahaha.

i have had happy times which didnt involve her. so i must remember those times. chief among them was this nice time in spring/summer 2014 where i met up with an old college friend and we did a bit of a “road trip” to go to a wedding. it was a lot of fun. good people and good times. and That Woman had nothing to do with it. although at that time, i was thinking “we get along so well, maybe I should think more seriously about trying to date her. she is such a nice gurl and we get along so well. but she is breaking up with her BF nao and that has got to be tough. i mean that will take a few months to get over. I dont want to swoop in like some stalker waiting to pounce.” and THE she starts dating some new sleazebag and then I got REALLY interested. what was she doing jumping into this? why pick a sleazebag? why avoid me like the plague? why wasnt I cool any more?

like i say, it hurts to be once held in high regard, then get Demoted. Downgraded.

i wonder if that little adventure helped me make up my mind regarding the female friend. maybe a little bit. i was starting the journey but it would take a few more months to go all the way.

aug 2

sheeeeit interview TODAY. 2 pm. 12 pm right now. i have taken shower, shave, eat breakfast, gone to bathroom, even pre tied the tie i am going to wear because it can be a little tricky. it takes me a full 1 hour and 40 minutes to Get Ready for a Big Day like this. that includes getting out of bed, shower, shave, bathroom, coffee, breakfast, teeth brushing and flossing, and putting on suit with tie.

do not feel great about this, why are they even calling me in for this 40k job that covers a lot of stuff. i cant handle this, i cant hande anything hahahaha. way to pump yourself up before a big interview haha.

HORRY SHEET. well i had the interview. me and the Director. nobody else. no 5 person panel. me and him in a room for One Hour. I was very nervous going in. VERY nervous.

He was really nice, nicer than I expected, no super hard questions. The interview actually went a little BETTER than average. the job starts in the HIGH 40s. He said there were 4 people interviewing. DAMN. I felt pretty good about the interview and the job sounds really good actually. with absolutely ridiculous pay, benefits, health care, days off, ridiculous 401k matching. it sounds too good to be true really. whats the catch.

so i felt some confidence and felt good, getting this would be a LIFE CHANGER. i mean i should become a BORN AGAIN GOD worshiper if I can get this. total LIFE CHANGER. transform me from a total loser to a pretty damn big WINNER OVERNIGHT.

he was nice to me and I was nice to him. I expected a hardass grilling me with super tough questions. specially from seeing his picture on the website. but he was nice.

and then i thought “dont get a big head about this, what if i dont get it,” and THEN I thought

NO. NO. GO AHEAD AND YES, DO GET A BIG HEAD ABOUT IT. ENJOY that feeling of confidence and big headedness. THIS is what NORMIES feel every day, THIS is what is attractive to women, THIS is what makes winners and strong husbandos and fathers, THIS is what I’ve been missing, and THIS bigheaded overconfident feeling is what I NEED in my life.

its better to be overconfident than underconfident. period. who cares if its hubris. ENJOY IT. because how often do you feel GOOD and CONFIDENT? FOOKING NEVER. ENJOY IT. DRINK IN THE BIG HEADEDNESS.

this is what normies and and WHAT MAKES THEM NORMIE. It is GOOD to feel this.

so what if i get rejected. I would have gotten rejected ANYWAY. better to at least feel GOOD for a LITTLE bit.

because what seems like HUbris and Cockiness and the Sin of Pridefulness to me, is actually just NORMAL CONFIDENCE.

because I am SO UNUSED to feeling this.

THIS is what is attractive to EVERYBODY: employers, friends, women, EVERYBODY.

so if i get this job it means I can contact HER and be like HAY BABY.

NOOOOO. well it does mean I will beat her at the game of life, which is good. but it means i will be able to find a BETTER woman, who wont leave me in the fookin lurch, and who is willing to Go To Bat for me.

i mean everything. he starts talking about the pay and benefits early in the discussion, oh you get 12 sick days a year, but we dont like to take more than 10, everyone here is nice and helps each other out, yeah we can be flexible with hours, doesnt have to be 8 to 5, could be 7 to 4 because i know how traffic gets around here (pretty bad), we have one guy who wanted to do 4 10’s, so he only works 4 days a week. i was just thinking why are you even telling me this. and he didnt seem like he was SELLING anything, like sleazy managers who tell you anything to get you in the call center seat. he started as an officer

good god just got a call about another job, now have interview on monday with mortgage dept of bank. wow. not too excited about that hahahaha. well at least they didnt want me to come in TODAY or TOMORROW.

anyway the……college security computer tech job had the interview today is definite hella better. i mean these arent sleazebags nor do they seem like dirty cops hahahaha. he’s like yeah we get pretty good funding because the college is serious about security. ive been here 10 years, there are 2 other guys on this tech team, one has been there 3 years, got a new guy last year, they dont seem chomping at the bit to GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE hahahaha. ie they dont hate their jobs and lives.

so like i say, i got a good vibe off the supervisor at the security job. he rattled off all these benefits matter of factly. he even hinted that there might be DOWNTIME. and people arent working 60 hours a week every week, running ragged to meet impossible production quotas and crushing people to get there. which would prob happen at this damn bank hahaha.

well at least its not this Hip Mortgage Broker (Lender?) that hires Classes of 30+ people every few months, then they quit or get fired in a revolving door. but they paint themselves as so damn HIP and FUN and COOL that it comes across as very disingenuous and i have stopped applying there hahahahaha.

yeah i mean i care about the culture, in that i want the culture to enable you to do your work, meaning you can get help if you need it, and not look like a fool getting thrown in the deep end who cant do shit for your clients. a company that sets up you for success not failure.

but of course a company that sets you up for failure will tell you that they set you up for success, that they care about work life balance, that they have a starbucks and a gym in the building, you get free coffee and soda and fruit. oh wow. how about you just give me work that i can actually handle. just be fooking straight and honest with me. don’t make me lie and bullshit to poeple, and dont tell me bullshit either.

so yeah the coppers today seemed honest and no bullshit. good cops hahahaha. i mean i like cops. unlike that woman, who hates cops and luvs ingras hahahaha.

fookin 49k a year, are you KIDDING ME? ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i almost dont deserve this hahahaha.

i thought you had to have a MASTERS degree to make 49k a year.

I would be happy with 29k a year hahahaha. i didnt tell him that though.

well this is not a union position. no contracts. meaning they probably could shift the pay. go to a lower salary band. but the college throws buckets of money at their public safety department! they are flush with cash in a way that no damn companies are! its kind of insane.

now normally to get a police job you have to do police academy, pass tests, and then start off in a fooking shithole ingra jungle like compton or bronx or something. you dont start out in a CUSHY place like this. you gotta pay your DUES first. i havent been paying dues! i have YET TO PAY MUH DUES!

basically this job would be too good to be true. not a lot of bullshit, GREAT pay, fooking raises every damn year, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? most people havent gotten a raise in like 5 years!

AND making enough money to Win a true honest to GOD 1488 Tradwife!!!!!!!!

Which is much harder to do at 28k a year. which i would have gladly taken hehehehe.

he didnt even ask why i left my previous job! though im not even sure he knew i HAD left it.

so yeah not every job i interview for do i say, ya know, I would really LIKE to get that job. but this one, definitely.

im noticing it takes at LEAST a month after apply for the job for them to get back to you about an interview. with some exceptions where they call you pretty quick. but if they dont call you in a week….they’ll call you in a MONTH.

anyway. its also important to remember…..say i were to get this job and my life would do a total 180 overnight. huge loser to huge winner. rags to riches. omega to alpha. foreveralone to loving tradwaifu. its important to remember that NOTHING has changed about ME. I’m the same person as I was before the interview, as I was for the hour I was doing the interview, on the basis of that hour they will decide to give me a 49k job and wave the magic wand and transform my life.  and i will still be the same person, same essence.  the same foreveralone virginal neet who managed to fake competence for an hour, in the right place at the right time, to convince the nice man to hire me.

really i mean this in the good way, like, i always had It In Me, when I tend to think I DONT have it in me. the confident man says YES I DO have “it” in me. I can handle this. I deserve good things. I can do a good job. I am WORTH 49k a year hehhehehehe. Seriously!!!!

I mean Im DEFINITELY worth 30k a year…..but 49k? I just can’t see it.

well at least I got an interview for a 13k a year job on thursday hahahaha. I am definitely worth 13k hahahaha.

49k PLUS health care (well Im sure that cuts into your 49k) PLUS paid time off PLUS vacation days PLUS 401k where they straight up contribute and you dont even have to! and weekends off! straight Mon thru Fri! and no midnights! no Split Shifts! No 60-80 hour weeks! there might be holidays but it sounds like there is rotations.

32k national AVERAGE for the mortgage job interviewing on monday. i would expect more towards the low end of 27k.  the job description is really confusing and talks about vendors and pipelines and distributed and waaaat.

i hate reading job descriptions, you dont even know what they’re SAYING, its like speaking a different LANGUAGE. and then you meet the people, and in a good situation like today, you see they are normal, nice, decent, honest people who aren’t trying to baffle you with BS. cuz these job descriptions are total bs.

property preservation. like a drug house in the ghetto where they need to scrub the blood off and the meth lab explosions and black mold and termites and toxic waste so the bank can sell it to fookin tarek and christina.  well wouldnt THEY do most of the rehab work? i mean alot of their shit was just shitty that they buy. i dunno! thats why they dont train you! i dunno! its just my job! who knows if im doing it right! yeah sure im doing it right! these are best practices HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

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MEN ARE GOOD COMMUNICATORS, WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE COMMUNICATORS

0210

ok. the doc wants me to come in for damn office visit, and i said if it comes to that, then i will argue for a higher dose of citalopram. go from 20 to i dunno 40. i aint no doctor hahahaha.

but hopefully the doc approves and also that the increased dose miraculously transforms my lazy and shitty brain hahahahah and gives me the alpha confidence needed to get a 12 DAHJ hahahaha. thats not even enough to hang out with white people. i was eavesdropping on some successful whites younger than me that were judging someone for making 25k a year hahahahahahahahaha.

i luv white people and being white but my god they know how to cut a person down to size: you are unworthy because you only make 25k a year. wow. hehehehehe of course i have only made 25k a year or more in one year of my life hahahaha.

it was an ok feeling being a bigboy, but my mind was also a Train Wreck In Slow Motion because i cant handle Normal Emotional Stress than Normies Can. meaning i need to learn to Self Soothe better. not use drugs, or alcohol, or whatever. i have valiums that i can pop in an emergency hahahaha but i am saving those for on the job stress.

yeah its one thing when you have never hung out with a gurl and she gives you excuses over and over again for not hanging out. its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT thing when you used to be friends and USED to hang out regularly and easily, and then the hanging out stops for a damn long time, and you have to Just Accept that they dont want to hang out with you any more. well its hard to accept. for me, the issue needs to be confronted directly. i just cant hear “well hang out someday” and just ACCEPT that we will never hang out again because thats the hint, thats the signal i should be reading.

still i want dr phil and his female staffers to agree with me that its shitty to end a long term friendship that has become complicated, without even a message.

yep i cant imagine ever getting feelings for a woman again.

and if i do? i almost dont want to, because feelings are BAD and feelings HURT you so much you become a damn wreck and remind yourself of what a fookin crazy weak unfit non normie failure at life you are, you cant handle or deal with life and luv and feelings and rejection, you are defective and broken hahahaha.

theres no damn textbook for this! theres no classroom for this! but there should be! i mean these situations might not happen to EVERYONE but they probably happen to 25-50% of people and thats good enough to be written about and have Expert Opinions on!

so yeah thats what i want to make sure the world court knows. i wasnt some random beta orbiter who never hung out with her, who was begging for Babys First Hangout. I had hung out with her quite a bit over the previous couple years. then the hanging out stopped and i got frustrated.

and the hanging out, when it happened, was the result of a pretty much effortless Friendship where i didnt DO anything special. I just went with the Flow and didnt have to worry about making the right decisions and analyzing anything. now when i say effortless i dont mean that i didnt put anything IN.  like i didnt put in any “effort.” or i blew her off. we each gave and we each got. it was an equal exchange. we were on the same page. there was no overcompensation or overtrying or anything. it was very natural, smooth, easy, fun, good, no drama, no ridiculousness, no me scheming like an omega to try to get a hangout in her busy schedule once every 6 months, no trying to lead her to anything. we just made small talk very naturally and became friends very naturally and that was so rare for me and i was grateful to get along with a woman so easily.  so yeah of course it sucks to have that go SO WRONG.

google how do you convince your female friend you didnt betray them by getting feelings for them hahaha

google how to convince your gf that you are not abusing her when you are really not abusing her

i mean shit. dont YOU feel better when you are NOT hurting people?

thats what gets me about the easy way out argument. over the long term, i would just feel too damn guilty about hurting someone, and that guilt would push me to apologize to them eventually. just to try to get rid of the pain of my own damn guilt. how can you live with that?

how could you live with someone who could live with that hahahahaha.

how can you get along SO WELL….and then end up getting along SO SHITTY. wasnt all that good will and getting along….didnt that build some kind of foundation that couldnt be easily swept away?

heh. i used to be a leftist feminist because i believed women could be treated as Adults who could make decisions, do the right thing, be decent people, hahahaha. and i hate being proven wrong over and over again. that you HAVE to treat women like stupid children or else they will fook you over.

well w2012 was mature. she handled things very well.

but she was a Lesbian!

well i dont KNOW that for SURE. i just suspect it. if anything she was asexual.

so then i can disqualify her because shes not NORMAL. so if a woman treats me with respect………SHES NOT NORMAL.  if a woman rejects me in a grown up respectful way……..SHES NOT NORMAL. Normal women BTFO you and make you wish youd never been born hahahahaha.

i wasnt treated like SHIT!  I was treated exactly the way i deserved! i brought it on myself!

see these thoughts keep coming back.

i mean i can read signals but for important things, i dont rely on signals alone. i need to have the awkward talk.

SO i can apply that same standard to her! if SHE was about to make an important decision, ie, dump me, get out of rel……couldnt SHE have wanted to TALK about it to confirm the signals she was getting from ME? something like, your signals seem to say that you like me, is that accurate? then i would say errrrrrrrrrrrm yes, im sorry i didnt bring this up early but i was trying, but anyway im glad we are talking now thank you, but yes i do have feelings for you

ok all i needed to know, thanks for confirming. so now im gonna dump you.

maybe she was that confident that my signals said what was on my mind. so that she could just Take The Hint and Not Have To Talk about it.

heh. its just stupid how bad women are at communicating. worst communicators ever. they act like men are such bad communicators but men are THE BEST communicators, women are HORRIBLE at it. period.

no thats not true oh god it cant be true hahahahaha.

but if i just ACCEPTED that women are stupid children then i would be much more at peace with the world!

i dunno maybe. yet the shrink i see once every 3 weeks is a WOMAN and good lord the DOCTOR i am going to see tomorrow is a WOMAN. and i dont particularly distrust them to do jobs that take intelligence and skill and good judgment!

but im not in an Intimate Rel with them, or looking to be! maybe they are like stupid fooking children in their own intimate rels!

or they are married to Tough Alpha Men who dont take their fookin bullshit and say you better not act like a litle child or IM GONE.

well basically if someone is ANGRY at you but they REFUSE to talk to you…….uhhh then thats kinda the end of that. but yeah that makes me feel like i wasnt given a chance. not even talking about “give luv a chance.” no. i mean, give ME a chance to just be heard and be understood. not asking for luv. just asking for a Seat At The Discussion Table.

it would have been LESS complicated if we were actually dating ie fooking. because then it would have been easier to blame her, paint her as the bad guy, and say i REALLY didnt deserve this. but since we werent, the dr phil jury can say, well, she felt you betrayed the friendship when you got feelings, so shes just acting in accordance with that.

0211

heh. went to docker to extend rx for citalopram and also try to increase the dose. the whole appt was smooth and easy like a little angel. well apart from them unlocking the front door a little late after “LUNCH” and there being an arab man and wife with two small children (one baby) and speaking arabic hahahahaha. there was a white male medical assistant which i dont see those very much so good for him. then i was visited by a white male “extern” who i just assumed was a medical student? or maybe he passed his medical tests and was now doing a residency or internship at a hospital. even better. he was younger than me but there are full blown MDs who are younger than me now lololololol. but he was nice and he was white so even if he was a 101 iq white moron like me, i was happy.

i didnt even have to go in great detail about why i wanted an increase and give euphemisms for the emotional wreckage that is my stupid pain in the ass brain, doctor just said ok we can increase, see you in 6 months.

ANYWAY it was kinda weird they let people stand out in the cold for a good 3 minutes because it is like 18 degrees and really too cold to stand outside for 3 minuets hahahaha.

https://vimeo.com/153064589

the waifview, an alt right womens podcast, on this one they talk about ABORTION and they are not anti abortion enough for me hahahaha. they need a MAN to MANSPLAIN how their female bodies work and how Human Life Works.

i dunno i am not really interested in listening to Women Talk right now, i am so woman hating i will disagree with everythign any woman says, even an Alt Right Women. will not be anti abortion enough for me, anti slut enough for me.

as they say on the fatherland, i am letting the Perfect be the Enemy of the Good. meaning, you kinda throw out the baby with the bathwater. meaning, you get so perfectionistic that you will not accept anything less than 100% success, so you miss out and have opportunity costs when you coulda done pretty good otherwise, but pretty good isnt good enough for you, because you were holding out for perfect.

i dunno. its JUST RIDICULOUS that someone would think this is an acceptable way to End A Rel. Like, a Rel that had gone on for 3 years and had a lot of good in it. its just not a proper way to end a rel. youre supposed to show respect for the good times.

AYO HOL UP

thats what im trying to tell you DR PHIL.

not that i EXPECTED any LUV in return, but i DID expect that the relship would be ended in a more DIGNIFIED, RESPECTFUL way, more befitting a good and friendly and important long term rel. rather than try to pretend it never existed. because it damn sure DID exist. i just wanted her to tell me We Had Some Good Times. why do i need HER to tell me that? I know we did! well because i need to hear her say it, so i know its wasnt ALL IN MY MIND. but i KNOW it wasnt all in my mind. i felt that our peak was about sept 2013 thru sept 2014. approx.

i dunno. i guess i need to know it was important and good for her too.

ay hol up the 19 year old boy i gave compassionate advice to on his bitch gurlfran messaged me and said i was nice and he wanted to ask me some more questions. i did not reply hahahahahahah. well i dont have a 3 year relship with him. i mean she is gonna not give him a fair chance, and dump him, hes gonna be heartbroken, and thats all there is to it. just get with other young girls while u are in college man. bang some other young beautiful slut, try to forget the other young beautiful slut, theyre all the same, and they will never be this hot again hahahaha.

also i just hate the idea that the whole thing was in my head, becuase with other women, the whole thing was in my head. but here, the whole thing was NOT in my head in the sense that we had SOME sort of actual real life rel that she got something out of as well as me. even just to be liked as a friend is important. for a woman to show any loyalty and long term friendship with me is important. usually i am just some unimportant idiot whos around for a few months. and the way shit ended, she was acting like i was not important, and the rel was not important, and made it real easy to paint the whole rel with that horrible brush. i liked that she liked me in other words, and i dont like thinking that was a fake.

0212

i dunno. the decent thing to do would say, awwww, he still likes me, he is gonna be hurt, i dont want to hurt him too much, he doesnt deserve that. and NOT: he is a huge piece of shit and deserves all the pain he gets, i hope he suffers a LOT, hope he K’s himself because thats what a huge peice of shit he is! how can you TURN on somebody like that, and understand a situation SO wrong?

oh well at least i was approved for 40 mg citalopram, up from 20.

yesterday i was driving on the road that i usually took to muh job and i suddenly got a deep feeling of dread, like i was going in for 8+ hours of awful bullshit, answering a constantly ringing phone and wondering how i was gonna handle the ridiculous questions. drinking too much coffee and always having to p00p. putting up with female “friend” being a huge bitch. having to tell people i have no idea whats going on, i cant help you, i dont know, and i cant put you in touch with someone who can help you. you are just out of luck, there is nothing we can do. i dont think. sorry you dont think think i understand your issue. becuase i sort of do hahahahaha. i just dont understand why my higher ups refuse to try to fix it. probably because they think it will cost too much money. but i dont understand their line of reasoning there. I would love to have a higher up take a look at the case for 1 hour before they came to that conclusion. but they SHUT IT DOWN. im on your side buddy, i really went to bat for you against those higher up bastards hahahaha but they shut it down.

i cant even talk to the people who are advising me, you think YOU can talk to them? i am trying to get their attention in a chat room, like a piggie fighting for a tit. and hell no im not sure he understood your problem as i hurriedly tried to explain it in one sentence that quickly scrolled away in the chat room. cuz his explanation sure didnt make sense? however the issue didnt make sense to me to begin with, thats why i asked for help, so i was in no position to be able to evaluate if his RESPONSE made sense.

and this was our job, hour after hour, day after day. this is why i went home and STUDIED job stuff. this is why i came in early to read emails and memos and memorize flashcards. this is why i stayed late to HELP newer people.

the whole fookin thing was disgusting hahahaha. and when i got a “flashback” of it yesterday while driving on that road….i was glad i was done with that place hahaha.

i dont know what to do!!!!!

FIGURE IT OUT. that was essentially our job. and if you didnt figure it out right, welp, it would probably break again within 48 hours, they would call back, and now because it was a persistent issue, it could be escalated for someone “SMARTER” to look at and maybe come up with a better line of bullshit to explain it.

i dunno. i Empathized with the callers too much. I didnt like telling them things couldnt be fixed, and I understood how a simple explanation could go a long way: if you cant fix it, at least try to explain it to me. and when you couldnt even do THAT……extreme anger and frustration ensued. i thought how can our company get away with this?

because they werent REALLY serious problems. but i didnt understand how they werent serious problems.

heh. its kinda like you spend your life thinking youre smart, then take an iq test and discover you have a 101 iq. perfectly average. the job underminded muh confidence and taught me, ya know, im just not as smart as i think i am. i dunno the solution to your problem. i dont have anything i can say to know. i just dunno. sorry. youre calling me for help and to fix shit, and the best i can do for you is say I DUNNO.  i cant transfer you to someone more experienced because they wont approve it. because they are trying to limit the mobs of people trying to get answers from them. because SO MANY PEOPLE want answers, but SO FEW PEOPLE have them.

realistically, you shouldnt call tier 1 and expect anything close to an explanation. you should EXPECT someone who sounds untrained, who SOUNDS like they dont really know what theyre doing, like they are grasping at straws, and you should EXPECT that they wont be able to transfer you to someone “better” until theyve struggled with your issue for at least 30 minutes.

i dunno i guess all help desks arent THAT bad. all call centers arent THAT bad. all women arent THAT bad. but are they?

also i was thankful that the callers were mostly polite and understanding and nice. so is that the tradeoff you must make? for nice callers, you must accept impossible issues? fr easy issues, you must accept horrible callers?

how about you just get a question and answer it and you are confident that you actually did the right thing.

yeah but if you didnt, it would just break again the next day and then it would get escalated and a smarter person would find a better answer to it.

well i used to keep track of everything i got escalated so i could look at it later and see what was done. (this is just one Marker of Excellence which separated me from the Average Mediocrity of my female former friend, who had a very black, r-selected approach: just give shitty wrong answers, and not care about it.  rather than like me, obsess over The Truth and Finding The Right Answer, and getting frustrated and flustered over all that. just Accept The Shit, and stop being flustered over giving wrong answers. that was her solution. to someone who strives to be an Excellent White, that shit sounds black as hell to me. high time preference, unhelpful black mamma jamma trying to get this cracka off the phone as quickly as possible, give them the RUNAROUND, PASS THE BUCK.

i might only be 101 iq, but she was at LEAST 10 below me. like where you can tell there is a MARKED difference. she is SIGNIFICANTLY dumber than me. like 90 iq at best she was. hahahahhaa. but i didnt care. and i kinda liked being the smarter one. especially if she looked up to me and thought i was smart. that was a confidence builder for me too.

i am not looking for a damn intellectual equal hahahaha. also i am not nearly as smart as i thought i was anyway. i probably dont have the capacity to solve basic computer problems anyway hahahaha. i am ideally looking for someone a LITTLE dumber than me. someone who thinks IM smart. i used to LAMENT that women were so DUMB and WHY CANT i find an Intellectual Equal, well, a large part of this is Just What Women Are, and you gotta learn to ACCEPT it. and i did!

i just now refuse to accept that they have to be huge sluts with over 10 guys.

i dunno. i will just never understand why she got SO UPSET with me. well because i guess when you get feelings for a female friend, its the worst thing ever, makes you worse than a child molester hahaha.

oh yeah also i never stalked or harrassed her. i sent her 3 emails over 34 days. even 1 LONG email per 11 days is not TOO much.

i mean i WANTED to contact her EVERY DAY: PLEASE RESPOND to me, please acknowledge me, please show me you care about my feelings, please anything. but i didnt hahahahaha. because i was that serious about not STALKING. not that its STALKING to want somebody to Give You A Statement When They Dump You.

i just dont like that she got everything she wanted out of this and i got nothing hahahahaha. she got to get rid of me with no guilt, no effort. well who knows. maybe she DOES feel guilty. i HOPE she does!!!!!!!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/45cdkb/i_tried_29f_to_break_up_in_a_friendly_way_with_my/

see this gurl TRIED to break up with this guy in a nice way, but he made it impossible because he was a huge douchebag hahahahaha.

heh. last night took nyquil and went to bed at 730 pm, did not get out of bed until almost 4 pm the next day hahahahah. WOW. i didnt feel super sad or derpressed, just didnt want to get out of bed for 20 hours.

PLENTY of people WANT to stay in bed for 20 hours, but CANT because they have RESPONSIBILITIES!

0213

ok well basically i felt i meant more to that person, than for her to be able to TMALAPOG.  imho its HARD to do that to somebody unless you HATE them and never want to see them again. like your WIFE cheated on you with your BEST friend, over and over again, all your friends. and even then i would give them a note, like good riddance to you you piece of shit, rot in hell you piece of shit, i wish i never met you, may the rest of your shitty life be CURSED. something like that.

yeah its just mind blowing. trying to think how somebody could DO that. even if its “Easy way out” of avoiding confrontation. you can send a text and still avoid confrontation.

hehehehe. i am essentially the person who gets DUMPED via post it note, or fax, and then i turn it around on myself and say, wow, i must be a REAL piece of shit to deserve THIS!

when the joke is, it reflects very poorly on the person doing the dumping. makes them look like a jerk/coward. that is the intended reaction/punchline to the classic joke of “i was dumped via a post it note.”

i was dumped via a text.

shit i would have luved for the LUXURY of being dumped with a post it note or a text!!!

but yeah. the overwhelmingly appropriate reaction is, fook that coward, you deserve way better, dont waste a minute being upset about them!

heheheheh. i guess she needs to waste a few more years dating Jerks who dont treat her well, and i need to waste even more years being Alone hahahahahah.

hahahaha i have been nothing but alone and these women have been nothing but With Men, and I still know more about Relationships and Communication than THEY do. namely treat people the way you want to be treated. and how would YOU treat THEM if the situation was reversed? youd treat them a HELL of a lot better than they are treating you. they are not giving you a fair shake at all. theyre not putting ANY damn EFFORT it. they dont CARE, theyre not WILLING to do any work. they just want you to instantly be a less annoying person. damn.

oh i got dumped with a TEXT, i must have done something REALLY bad!

NO! you say DAMN what a JERK who dumped me with a TEXT!

and this was 9000000 times WORSE! i would have LOVED a text!

its like married at first site. all the couples are idiots and will probably fail because the women are all so stupid, and are always mad at the men for stupid reasons, and expect the men to read their stupid minds, while the men are desperately trying to communicate, saying please just communicate with me, dont run away from this! and the women run away from it and say UGH i need SPACE to PROCESS this, meanwhile the man is frustrated and has no idea what is going on. becuase the WOMAN is not WILLING to communicate. its so stupid to see.

there is david and ashley and she accuses him of texting another woman to “go out for drinks” when really it was just a huge misunderstanding happening at a pretty bad timing. then she hits him with this. he tries to explain it but she is not willing to listen to his side of the story. really all it is is an unfortunate misunderstanding, its not what it looks like.

anyway she is COMPLETELY UNWILLING to listen to his side of the story. ironically enough he was trying to Reach Out to one of Her Facebook Friends so he could learn more about Her and how to Treat Her Better, because she was a horrible communicator and wouldnt talk to him ever. turns out the woman he picked was just as stupid as his wife, and the woman tattled to the wife ummmm yr husband is like trying trying to go out with me for drinks just thought you should know.

now he gave her no indication that he was looking to cheat, but they have had constant misunderstandings and  miscommuncations because she stubbornly refuses to listen to him or communicate with him and he is udnerstandably getting very frustrated, and always having to give her space, etc. anyway this one doesnt look like it will last, and it will be all her fault, cuz she is not willing to put in any effort at all.

oh well i dont HAVE to put in any effort, becuase this rel is all in your head. see, you luv ME, but i dont luv YOU, therefore, i dont have to do anything for you. i can just throw you away LAPOG.

NOPE! doesnt matter if you dont have feelings. if you have any sort of friendship, you always owe it to your friend, even IF you are having troubles, to never TTALAPOG. Period.

wow, so many shitlibs and women and leftists and cucks and beeta leftists and phaggots and gun haters and swpls and self loathing whites, and j00s and babykillers and blacks all on twitter making very tasteless remarks after the sudden death of justice scalia. i knew he was hated by shitlib traitors but i guess i forgot by how much. really tasteless and classless these phaggots spitting on his grave like this!

but this is kinda a HUGE deal cuz the scotus is ridiculously powerful and scalia was prob one of the good guys

and these privileged self hating whites really hated him like he was hitler or something hahaha saying they are gonna celebrate his death by having all sorts of gay sodomy and abortions and shit, god damn disgusting degenerates!

i was gonna say you dont need to be religious at all to believe many if not most things religious people do.  you can use non religious arguments against abortion, casual sex, pornography, cheating, open relships, all those degen shit that women like to do. you can be a fedora atheist and still be very against those things. in fact i think its kinda MORALLY WEAK to NEED the idea of religion/god to CONVINCE you that those things are immoral. you should be against them because they are obviously wrong on the surface. they hurt other people and do harm to your fellow man. they corrode the soul.

you dont need to be relgious to find these things horribly immoral: casual sex. pronography. abortion. cheating. open rels. its not just about having fun and feeling good. its about having no damn respect for human life, and breaking peoples hearts willy nilly. it sucks!

so yall disgusting degens can go celebrate by doing SODOMY hahahaha. sodomitic secs. damn i should bring that word back. basically meaning any kind of secs done by a degenerate. even PIV secs. if its outside of a monog rel, its SODOMY.

0214

had interesting dream where i heard of a casual sex (swingers?) party and this gurl i liked would be there. thankfully That Woman had nothing to do with this dream. the gurl was this Bad Gurl i liked in 7th and 8th grade, one of the first gurls i ever liked. i would still bang her today if she looked good. i looked at her on facebook like 2 or 3 years ago and she didnt seem to have any kids and looked good enough.

anyway there were lots of black guys at the party and the implication was, if she was not gonna be having casual sex with ME, she would be having casual sex with THEM, and i figured, better me than them, women have no idea how to protect their race. and then we started having casual sex and i found it very profound and meaningful and started developing a connection to her, when it was impossible to say whether she was getting any loyalty to ME.

but yeah just a naked body of an attractive woman up on me, banging them, making out with them, felt good, even if it was a casual sex party and she would have done the same with tons of black guys if i had not shown up.

essentially just a degen sodomite sex party for straights, kinda like the gays have promiscuous standard fook parties and such, only here you have women defiling themselves as well, just passing themselves around for pleasure and sodmy hahahahha.

and then i thought, well if i ever had secs with That Woman, i would fall in love with her even WORSE. yet she goes out and fooks all sorts of creepy sleazy guys and feels nothing, or gets over them very quickly, because the secs means nothing to her, its just a thing that is fun sometimes, youre not offering something special, such as your uterus’s power to make children.

how about a little loyalty, that you are not gonna just Use Me For Secs then Throw Me Away. jeez. sounds like what the worst Cad Men do to women!

women have turned into sleazy Cad Players!

it takes a lot of White Privilege to not say that Scalia was a Monster Who Was Worse Than Hitler hahahaha. if you merely call him a Respected And COntroversial Jurist, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution hahahaha. hiding behind your white privilege to punch down at the oppressed classes which Your Kind has Oppressed for Centuries.

dont treat people like MEAT, dont treat people like GARBAGE. when in doubt, use kindness and tenderness and mercy when brutally using a meat cleaver to end a longterm rel hahahaha.

this is not how you end a longterm rel!

and yet its ok for her to go out and have secs with random sleazebags and show them more loyalty and kindness because its her body, she can do what she wants.

well i cant control the DISGUSTING, IMMORAL degenerate sodomy and murder she does with her body, but I do get to say its horrible and immoral and wrong and degenerate.

and i hate other people getting a chance when i never got a chance. im not REALLY talking about luv and secs, i am basically talking about a chance to be treated like anything other than shit. be kind and loyal and giving and loving to some shitty guy, maybe some black guy youre having casual sex with, and be more kind and loyal and loving to him than a person youve known for 3 years.

basically women disposing of secs partners, of lovers, of friends, of BF’s, of babies, just they way they go through PEOPLE like a MEAT GRINDER is fooking HORRIFYING to me. go through the stages of a relship unnaturally fast, skip entire parts (like the ending), throw you away, lose interest quickly. they dont have the decency to treat you with kindness. they kill they own children, they cheat and lie  and live lies and dont even know how to feel guilt any more hahahaha. they are 900000000000 times bigger MONSTERS than scalia hahahahahaha.

or i should say how the left views scalia.

i just hate how women view secs as such a casual unimportant thing, and i always get nervous and view it as a veyr important thing. but they just give it away like candy. to everyone but me hahahaha.

just dat image of a young womans pale white body glued to yours as you bury your D in her, making out with her, her sighing and moaning and getting aroused. its super intense. how can they not see how intense it is? naked sweaty flesh on flesh. good lord. and with somebody you have feelings for. and there there are right up on you, wrapping legs around you, you staring into their eyes and being closer to them than you have been with a person in 10 years………OR this is just like a casual handshake that you do with lots of people, you’ll get over the novelty and intensity of this very quickly and be looking for new people to do it with.

this is very important to you, and not very important to them at all, it will take you forever to forget this, they will have forgotten it almost immediately and looking for a new guy to take your place.

heh. this is why i put special emphasis on find women i could TRUST, finding women who had not been with LOTS of guys. and i still get treated like garbage hahaha.

heh. everything i learned from previous “relships” did not really come in handy because here, the shit just hit the fan and was over before i knew it. so now i can say, welp, if the woman is AVOIDING me for more than 3 months, then just write an email; and take into account the closeness of our rel.

but yeah on this super cold valentines gay i just want her white body pressed against mine hahahaha.

hahaha this is ridiculous. quake was a big gaym in my high school days and is still full of nostalgia.

jeez. all i want is her back in my life, being friendly to me, then we become more than friends, and have luving secs till the end of time.

when you have secs with someone you love its like a completely different thing. but Women wouldnt know that now would they hahahaha.

i would just tell her: i didnt want you to fall in luv with me. that would have been NICE but all i wanted to just deal with the situation like adults and not end up devastated with the worst ending possible. just reject me nicely and we can get on with our lives.

0215

see i dont even know whats normal and whats not. i have my ridic ideas about whats moral and whats not. but what if its normal and right and just and natural to just dump people LAPOG.

heh. or better yet, to be a pathetic guy THINKING you were thrown away LAPOG but you were just rejected like normal, rejected in a probably decent polite way…..but you just feel snubbed and rejected becuase you were  Ya Know, Rejected, and you’re emotionally compromised and it doesnt register that she did a pretty good job of rejecting you. because now shes DONE with you and you see her getting more Worked Up over new random guys than she ever got over you!

in 2 months she is going CRAZY over some other guy and has totally forgotten you, and you are like, welp she’ll come around. she just doesnt know she luvs me yet hahahahah.

ANYWAY i can GUARANTEE you that i was ACTUALLY TALAPOG. and that she made no effort whatsoever hahaha. at least acknowledge that you were an important person to me. i realize i wasnt important to you AT ALL hahahaha.

yeah but i was. for a time she was nicer to me than any woman had ever been. even if we were not Lovers, there was a Closeness in the Friendship that made it seem more important than a Casual Acquaintanceship. made it seem like a Close Top Tier Friendship, rather than a short lived, not very important friendship. dont lie to yourSELF. you know i was an important person to you!!!!!

basically it was confidence building to know that I Mattered To A Woman, I wasnt some kind of forgettable nobody nothing, that I was important to her and meant something to her and was a big deal in her life and she would have stood up for me and defended me and been loyal to me. but when it ended, i was just as unimportant to her as some random nobody. feels bad man.  just because she was so immature she felt that me getting feelings for her was some kind of Deep Betrayal like Cheating. unbelievable.

but yeah then you doubt, were the good times ever really that good? were we EVER REALLY that close? was this whole thing only in my mind? is this normal?

yeah i guess i just dont like her saying that i meant nothing to her when i am pretty sure i DID mean something to her. i dont appreciate that dishonesty one bit. yeah things can CHANGE and people can have a falling out, but dont DENY THE PAST. esp when there was a lot of good in the past.

so, she is gonna deny the past, and there is nothing i can do about that. its just painful when its more than jsut the past, its ME. she’s denying I had any importance in her life, when i did. when i particularly like being important to women, and particularly dislike being a forgettable nobody that they dispose of and replace quickly and efficiently.

hhahahahaha im not that lame and unlikable. i used to have friends that liked me quite a bit. im still that same person deep down hahahaha. i made an impact on their lives. i just never made an impact on any womans life hahahaha. random guys they had casual secs with had a bigger impact on them than i did hahahaha.

5 minutes with an alpha means more to them than 10 YEARS with a beta hahahaha. and i am actually lesser than a beta.

its kinda like when peter betrayed Ever Knowing Jesus. basically a person denying your existence, saying they never knew you, never met you, were never friends with you, you were nothing to them.  YOU are being denied.

i wish i had moar pictures of me and her, well specifically that SHE had the pictures and would come across them one day and be like yeah i DID know him, i cant DENY that.

what about the little things i gave her, like a mix cd or this other thing i gave her. did she throw them away? bury them in a box and forget about them? the worst would be if they were just sitting out and she looks at them and doesnt even THINK of me. like OH. just some guy i used to know. i dont even remember if i fooked him. oh no. we were just friends for 3 years and he was a good friend but then he betrayed me by getting feelings for me so i cut him loose like he deserved. good riddance. it was pathetic seeing him beg at the end like a pathetic pussy. i need a real man. like tyrone who knocked me up and abandoned me with a bastard baby. oh i wish he would come back to me hahahaha.

yeah i just thought i meant/mattered more to her than that. and i probably did. but she will NEVER admit it.

or i just really DIDNT.

im not even sure which is worse! probably the second. where shes not denying anything. i just really mean nothing to her.

THEN. i meant nothing to her THEN. hahahaha.

i need to get back to the old gym, its been a fookin eternity. i am losing weight though, because i am not eating anything hahahahaha. but i NEED to go to the gym just to damn MOVE. try to do that tonight.

yeah well it doesnt matter if you feel anything NOW. realize that the other person still feels something and just try to do the NICE, DECENT, COURTEOUS thing, how YOU would like to be treated in that situation. simplest, easiest test in the world, for how to be a good person and do the right thing. treat them like you want to be treated. golden fookin rule.

look i wont have many regrets when it comes to things i should have done, ie i wish i had been kinder and nicer and more open to her. i really couldnt have! but she could have been a HELL of a lot nicer to me. she really dropped the ball.

yeah yeah i could have blurted earlier, done something EARLIER. yeah ok i have some regerts about that hahaha. but in terms of, wow, i was a REAL FOOKIN PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE TO HER and I wish i had been nicer. ? NO. none of that. i tried to be decent and willing and cooperate and kind and gentle and patient and giving.

if anything she will be haunted by thoughts of WOW i was really unfair and mean to HIM. hahahaha then she can come apologize to me and we can live happily ever after because i wont have found a better woman by then hahahaha.

you can tell when a woman is WILLING. she will Bend Over Backwards to Please her man, even if the man is being an asshole. she wont walk out the door. she wont shut down. she will be willing to talk. she will be willing to work things out. lets get through this together hunny. she will be willing to hang out. shell be willing to respond to texts and emails. she will want to talk about serious things liek the state of the rel, because she desperately wants to keep the rel going. when she fights and argues and shit tests you, she gives you CHANCE after CHANCE, rather than walking out and giving up on you after no chances. she is willing to fight and work for your luv and for the health of the rel. she is willng to stand by you when the going gets tough. true loyalty. i demand nothing less from my 3d white waifu hahahahaha.

someone who is not on the fence, but on my damn side. not willing to give up. but willing to roll up the sleeves and FIGHT for something important to them. ie me. i am important to them and worth fighting for. that would be fookin noice. very toight.

she was SO not willing to fight. if she were willing to fight…..i would have FELT it. she would have let me know. there wouldnt have been any doubt. she would have been in my face fighting for it, letting me KNOW she was fighting for it. hehehe. she was in actuality the antithesis of fighting for it. she just wanted it to go away and die forever, maybe a little abortion to help flush it out and dispose of it.

OBVIOUSLY you cannot BE with somebody who FEELS this way abotu your Mutual Relationship.

anyway yeah i ADMIT, thats a lot to ASK of somebody, that is a pretty BIG expectation / responsibility. so you simply say, i respectfully decline that responsibility. i cant handle it. its too much for me. we had a good run but now i have to get off. sorry. have a good life. we had some good times together. but im not willing to really fight for this.

that would have been a mature and acceptable thing to say. rather than im gonna get mad at you and never talk to you again.

cant keep your cool in person? write me an email. write me a LETTER. i dont care.

its like ending your membership at planet fatness hahahaha. send me a certified letter. then you know i got it.

come on. we would get each other crimmus presents. she told me things she had never told another person. it wasnt all in my fookin head.

i hate that excuse, it was all in my head, so she didnt owe me anything. well at one point it was an actual living breathing real life rel that was not in my head, and we both had rights and responsibilities, freely given to each other. she trusted me and liked me enough to tell me things she had never told anybody. i appreciated the trust and never betrayed it. to my knowledge hahahahahahahahahahah. i gave her moral support during her tough times. maybe i feel betrayed that SHE did not give ME moral support during MY tough times. sure.

hehehehe. i was there for her, she wasnt there for ME hahahaha.

thats not technically betrayal, but it does hurt and is just some one sided shit.

this is taking so long to get over because she wasnt jsut some random girl. we were close. for years. that means something motherfooker. maybe not to her, but def to me.

well i gave up my right to moral support from her when i got feelings for her. plus i had already taken a lot of moral support from her by being needy at job.

yeah well how about talking about these things with me, rather than leaving me to figure it all out by myself. when i CANT. its literally impossible. not saying that as a slight against muh average 101 iq; but rather it phsyically takes two people sharing and working together to get answers on this. there are too many unknowns that i would need her to answer. questions i have for her, that she is not willing to answer. shit i would have answered any question she asked me. yes of course i said that in the emails hahaha. ask me ANYTHING. PLEASE.

hahahahah well at least i know that she is NOT willing to Date Me hahahahah. that is no longer an unknown. i mean the silence does answer SOME questions. other questions the silence does not answer. will never answer.

im just like, how did she get THIS important to me? its like i didnt even realize how MUCH she meant to me until it was all over.

well thats not 100% true. i was certainly waking up to it. yeah i think i was as aware as i could have ever been.

i just never expected the ending would be SO devastating. well i also didnt expect it to GO as badly as it did. ok i really gotta go to fatclub.

 

 

WHEN SOMEONE BEGS YOU FOR BETTER CLOSURE, TRY TO GIVE THEM BETTER CLOSURE / EMOTIONALLY ILLITERATE / JELQ MUH DIQ

0128

emotional porn, inspiration porn, prolefeed. real feelgood stuff in MSM to hit proles right in the feels and adult women can gush about about post on FB feeds. overcoming the odds, OR just giving a trophy to everyone, AND becoming more degenerate by the day, ie “feelgood” stories about 10 year old transgendered kids and their mom gives them sex change hormones.

anyway i had a medium epiphany:

if the criteria of whether i betrayed her or not is only if SHE FEELS betrayed, her feelings are valid, they might be wrong or confused or misunderstood, but they are still valid.

well then MY feelings are JUST AS valid, and i am MORE THAN ENTITLED to say I FEEL SUPER HURT by being thrown away like a piece of meat! inhuman and inhumane! nobody likes to be dehumanized, depoersonalized like this.

but as a believer in objective truth and morality, i also want a less subjective standard for measuring/ identifying betrayal than just her confused illogical mind saying i feeeeeeeeeeeel betrayed therefore its betrayal.

i want an INDEPENDENT TRIBUNAL to investigage impartially and provide a verdict and say she was more wrong than i was!!!!! that it wasnt really betrayal!!!!

basically, if shes ENTITLED to think i betrayed her, i’m ENTITLED to think she hurt me! cuz what she did hurt the fook out of me!

you dont get to decide youre DONE with someone, and then avoid the responsibilities of Getting Rid of them. Dump a person, break their heart, AND just essential DELETE them without ACKNOWLEDGING that you are causing a human being huge pain, a person who cares about you greatly, and whom you once cared about.  its just fooked up.

this ammon bundy is handsome as fook! hope that goy has a good looking faithful wife and 8 children.

i mean shit. yeah i can see how a woman would feel betrayed. it taps into bullshit about the friendzone and niceguys….but it also DOESNT. niceguys pretend like they have no interest. they dont say what theyre thinking. BUT a problem i long had with the media narrative about niceguys is……in the micro situation of these women HANGING OUT with these Niceguys Secretly in Luv with them, arent the niceguys GIVING OFF HINTS??? doesnt the woman have ANY CLUE that these Just Friend Guys LIKE them? something never rang true to me about the way “niceguys” were portrayed.

and this applied to me as well: i was feeling great tension and expressing that tension through increasingly heavy handed hints. i wasnt pretending i had no feelings.

AND SHE NOTICED! however i dont know if she interpreted them correctly, ie, maybe she thought “whys he being so weird,” rather than “o noes, he has FEELINGS for me, thats why hes acting so weird.”

so i was communicating something, and she was noticing it. therefore, i was not HIDING it. therefore, it was not betrayal hahaha.

but i dont even KNOW that she CONSIDERS it a betrayal, or shes JUST UGH. ENOUGH ALREADY. UGH. dont feel betrayed, i just idk. ugh idk. just want him gone.

ITS ALL ABOUT YOU. YOURE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS REL. ITS NOT LIKE THERES TWO PEOPLE HERE.

ONLY YOUR FEELINGS MATTER. THE OTHER PERSON AND THEIR FEELINGS DONT MATTER AT ALL. thats why their heart can be broken and they can be thrown away like garbage. they dont exist, they dont matter hehehehe.

you almost NEED to ignore it and shut it out because you can ruminate and overanalyze this forever but you will never get anywhere. there are too many unknown unknowns hahahahaha. or they might be known unknowns. because we know that we dont know them. namely what did she actually think about all this. i shared my feelings with her, but she did not share her feelings with me. other than blocking me and thrown me away. this gives a pretty good indication of the feelings, but theres still unknowns: did she do this because she felt betrayed, or just because she was angry or annoyed? does it even MATTER? NO! I just HATE the idea that I BETRAYED somebody.

I DONT BETRAY PEOPLE. I AM TRUSTWORTHY ALWAYS. This is very important to me.

you can hate me and be angry at me, just dont call me a traitor or betrayer or liar or someone you cannot trust.  that is very triggering and rustling to me.

i mean ive done some shitty things im not proud of……but i do those things much much more to MYSELF than i do to OTHER PEOPLE. whereas it seems that normies are more likely to do shitty things to other people, and not to themselves.

0129

had dream where i was going back to muh job after months. i was in a bus with several of my favorite people from the job, and they were very nice and supportive, and we were all heading out there fr another horrible shift hahaha. there was complaining and grumbling about how horrible things were. how some people just “couldnt take it anymore” and just walked out, disappeared, stopped coming to WORK. there was a person on the bus talking about how she tried to speak with the main manager about something important, and was bitched out about interrupting the manager who had very important valuable work and couldnt waste time. you wanted to talk the manager, you set up an APPOINTMENT!!!!!! and then after being shooed away, they eavesdropped on the manager who was having a very lively and spirited and happy and hilarious conversation with somebody in a “gypsy language”, presumably romani/roma. but obviously not SRS BUSINESS.

and then i thought, oh shit, THAT WOMAN is gonna be there too. and i dont want to see her AT ALL. I am just gonna have to quit again! why did i agree to come back! and felt very nervous and dreadful. how was i gonna survive this life? this horrible job! AND ON TOP OF IT, having to see that woman every day, hating me and ignoring me, and i would probably confront her and she would be a huge bitch and portray me as the bad guy! why was i coming back here? oh god i hope this is just a horrible DREAM!

and IT WAS! so that dream kinda made me feel better about my controversial decision hahahaha.

how can she shit on ME and then still be mad at ME and make other people think IM the bad guy! she should be ASHAMED of what she did, yet she’s DOUBLING DOWN on her bitchiness and anger and hate towards me, when she’s ALREADY broken my heart, then she rationalizes it to herself that i DESERVED it!

what a MINDFOOK!!!!

and the job is already stoopid as fook, AND i have to deal with this woman on top of it? no thank you!

and i wish i could switch to pure hate so easily like she has. but ultimately i will always be in luv with her and always want her, so its like breaking my heart every day.

so the dream was actually good in that it reminded me that i made the right choice in doing what i did haha.

i betrayed her??!?!?!!?! SHE BETRAYED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! well i know it might not be a technical betrayal, but it was MUCH CLOSER to the realm of betrayal than what i did to her!!!!!

women wait until you get very close to them, fall in luv with them, then they totally CRUSH you. tear your heart out, stab it 900000000000000000000 times, after you have invested in them, gone all in with them…..and then you lose EVERYTHING and emerge as a totally broken ruined soul. they couldnt just dump you when you had invested just a LITTLE in them. they wait until you are madly in true lifelong luv with them, before they pull the rug out from underneath you. do they like ruining mens lives for NO REASON?????

hahahahaha.

no, if anything, no i have more respect for the other women who dumped me in a more appropriate kind manner. even if it wasnt perfect, they MADE AN EFFORT and recognized that i would be hurt, and they cared enough about that to TRY to do the right thing.

and less respect for HER, because she did NONE of this. made no effort.

make an effort. write 1 damn email.

thats what mindfooks me so much, is ultimately, how could she do this to ME? i knew she didnt LUV me, but i thought she CARED ABOUT ME AS A PERSON more than to do this to me. you just dont treat a person this way ever. unless they did something really really bad to you, and even THEN, its STILL better for you to take the high road than to descend into the muck with the person who did you wrong. DONT STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL. BE THE BETTER PERSON.

i thought there was more GOODWILL built up. even if i was on the OUTS with somebody, i wouldnt throw them away. i would appreciate them as a mostly decent person that i had good times with. i NEVER had big falling outs with people. usually we just Fade Away or Drift Away and are both on somewhat good terms at the end. but never huge falling outs, unless a woman is dumping me. and most times, heck ALL times till NOW, the woman made SOME kind of EFFORT to dump in a good way, to indicate that it wasnt my FAULT, that i did not do something horribly WRONG. basically its not you its me (meaning them, and dont blame yourself.)

SHE did the exact opposite, essentially saying YOU SHOULD BLAME YOURSELF. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. and i could not handle that. especially when im honestly not sure that it IS my fault. but on a bad day i can sure beleive that it was! and need to convince myself that it wasnt!

http://www.prevention.com/fitness/fitness-tips/how-increase-your-calories-burned-walking

i always see people doing a damn incline on the treadmill and it looks ridiculous, but the calories they burn are also enviable. the best is a weird 35 year old virgin looking man who does a full hour at like 5.5 mph and at least 10% incline (article recommends no more than 7.) this results in him burning at least 1000 calories in an hour, when i have to work hard to just do 500 an hour!!!!

well hes a weird virgin but hes not fat i tell ya!

so i wanted to look up some info about inclines. does it REALLY burn that MUCH MORE calories? initial evidence suggests yes, it actually works. maybe. hahahahhaa.

anyway. i just couldnt imagine how a person could do that to another. i cant wrap my mind around it.

even if a bitch cheated on me i would forgive her immediately, just please dont leave me. oh you can still see him, just tell me if you fook any other guys too, just dont dump me. i will let you do whatever you want as long as you please dont dump me.

this has always been my MO, because i HATE being dumped!!!! and that was when i was getting dumped NICELY! now i will hate getting dumped even MORE!

and yeah i would not be as surprised if this were someone i didnt know. some random bitch. but i actually KNEW her. i was once her friend. just because my feelings change for you doesnt mean you get to treat me like garbage. if i had a friend whose feelings changed for me, i wouldnt hate them, id still care for them, and id feel bad abotu not being able to reciprocate, and i would make a BIG effort to let them down as GENTLY as possible….not make NO effort and let them down as HARSHLY as possible! see how its such a big shocking mindfook!!!!!

and part of me wants to TELL her this, just for satisfaction, just for standing up for myself. when somebody shits on you hardcore, you stand up for yourself and say NO! NOT OK!!! and make sure they KNOW that what theyre doing is HORRIBLE! righteous indignation!!!!!

and i kinda did this in extremely nice, not angry, not blaming language, like yeah i see where youre coming from but i also think i did not deserve to be treated this way, i really dont think i betrayed you, lets just talk about this please.

rather than: you CANNOT do this, this is HORRIBLE, you SHOULD feel ashamed, you did a HORRIBLE thing and i want you to fully know it! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!

i never wanted to end a rel with such prejudice before. like i say, 99% of my rels that end, do so on a mutual drifting away with no real hard feelings. ive never just wanted to just GET RID of somebody. the women who dumped me, i always wanted to reconcile. my college roomate i had a big feud with, well i wanted to get rid of him. but even there the feeling was MUTUAL!  he wasnt BEGGING ME TO RECONCILE!!!! he hated me, i hated him!

when someone begs you for better closure, try to give them better closure.

KNOWING of course that all closure ultimately comes from within…….but the other person can CERTAINLY ease that along. being that they are in the rel with you, and they are dumping you. they can start you off with some good closure if they are willing. and why wouldnt they be willing?

i assumed from the years of goodwill, that she would be willing to lift a finger to give me at least a LITTLE good closure.

maybe in the future i will end up feeling hate and contempt for her, recognizing what a cowardly shitty thing she did to me. but to get to that point i have to stop wanting to reconcile with her!!!!!!

so THIS is the person i wanted to have a long term rel with? what if i was? what i married her and had chirren with her? how would that turn out! HARRIBLE!!!!

whats better, a woman who has been with 15+ guys, or a woman who has been with 2 guys but had 1 abortion?

whats better, a woman who has been with 10+ white guys, or a woman who has been with 2 guys, but one of them was nonwhite?

these sound like retarded philosophy thought experiments, but these are real world questions you have to ask when evaluating the long term wife potential of women!!!!!! its INSANE!!!!!

well, you figure activities like abortions and mudsharking are CORRELATED with being a slut. in other words, if a woman has been with a LOT of guys, chances are, she’s had SEVERAL abortions, and been with SEVERAL nonwhites.

you dont expect abortions and mudsharking out of a woman with a LOW number, in other words. but sometimes it happens!!!!

i dont like abortions, i dont like mudsharking, and i dont like SLUTS. but you cant have all three.

I’m not even sure if you can have TWO.

so, if you are dead set against a mudshark, then you have to accept that she’s been with a LOT of white guys and has had several abortions.

if you’re dead set against abortions, thats your dealbreaker, then she’s probably a slut, probably been with several black guys, and if she doesnt do abortions, then she probably has some bastard kids! and prob not white ones!

hehehe this is why men give up on women and go mgtow.

oh yeah i dont like when they have kids.

but you figure if they are enough pro abortion, they will just abort those kids.

so whats better, a woman who aborts their kids and thus has no kids, or a woman with bastard kids.

THESE are the questions you must deal with regarding the REAL PEOPLE who you are really interviewing for the role of your actual WIFE!!!!!

you get put in between such a rock and a hard place, and you say, well this is a total shit sandwich, cant i find a woman who fits BOTH criteria? has no abortions and ALSO has no kids? why is that TOO MUCH TO ASK in the current year? have the merchants destroyed ALL our women?

despair. making concessions. settling for less hahahaha. coming to believe your requirements are too much, your standards are too high. LOWER YOUR STANDARDS.

LOWER YOUR STANDARDS for your lifelong wife and the mother of your children.

see how shitty that is?

spend the rest of your life with and have kids with a piece of shit. mix your dna with them, and your kids will be half a piece of shit.

i wanted to communicate with her so i was pushing her to hang out.

if she wanted to commnicate with me, she would have been pushing me to hang out. 

and being that i also wanted to communicate, there would have been no pushing! we would have just communicated in a timely manner.

rather than me pushing to communicate, and her AVOIDING communicating. if she wanted to communicate, i wouldnt have NEEDED TO PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new browser brave from shamed mozilla founder brendan eich, who was forced out of firefox because he was against gay marriage. now he has founded brave.com with a bunch of j00s and SJW feminist techies hahahaha. but maybe they actually know their stuff. god knows i dont have the expertise to say if they do or not!!! i hate tech because its too confusing and there seems no pathway to figure it all out!! so when “cute” little 24 azn girls

https://archive.is/crRqx

https://brave.com/#team

start talking about code, im like, ya lost me at jquery. i dont even know how to javascript. yet a 24 year old azn girl who dropped out of high school, got a physics degree from MIT, then started a phd in CS at stanford, then dropped out, is now 24 or 25 years old, and gives talks at tech conferences all the time, and has Thirsty Leftist Tech Guys who make 100k+ a year lusting after her, is a senior developer on this browser hahahaha i do get frustrated. i took a bunch of tech classes to try to learn this stuff but it still doesnt make sense. its not that im an idiot, its more like i wasnt OBSESSED and Passionate the way these people are, coding 24 hours a day. after a while i had to say fook this shit i hate it, get it away from me.

so you gotta LUV it to be a damn programmer?

i was ultimately convinced i didnt have “what it takes” to be a CS major and get a CS/programming job. that you have to Love Programming and Tech in every fiber of your being; eat sleep and breathe this shit, and i certainly didnt. i just saw it as a means to an end, just wanted to be qualified for the lowest possible entry level tech job.

which as it turns out, is Tech Support, and you dont need ANY CS experience for that, and you just answer phones all day, and are confused and frustrated and nervous all day because you have no confidence that you know what youre doing, and are trying to bullshit to people all day. and then you quit because you just cant handle it any more and you fell in luv with your female friend at the job who just totally threw you under the bus!!!!!!

anyway, brave focuses on eliminating the Ad Bullshit and on being FAST. and also is concerned with privacy and not harvesting your information like j00gle chrome. seems promising so i downloaded the “developers build” and was able to open it and yes it does go pretty fast. it really does seem to go faster than chrome.

thats really what i care about. is it bloated? is it fast? does it have weird backdoors and shit and spy on me? are my main concerns.

and i jealous of young people that get to turn their AUTISM into a SUCCESSFUL CAREER cuz they can get THAT GOOD at understanding code because theyre damn AUTISTICALLY OBSESSED about coding.

this is why you should introduce kids to coding in FIRST GRADE and HOPE it sticks. then they get obsessed with it and teach themselves to code.

so yeah coding is a valuable skill for people to have, BUT…….not if you can just do stupid hello world shit like me. coding is only valuable if you can code at the level of a good CS graduate. now you dont actually have to have the degree, but you DO need to outperform good CS graduates.  can you do that? it takes a LOT of TISM to be able to do that.

i have some tism but not for that. my tism is basically for talking about Feelings and Women hahahaha.

these arent even philosophical, intellectual, masculine discussions. its totally feminine.  but i still cant talk TO WOMEN about it.

because not only are women Emotionally ILLITERATE, they speak an entirely different emotional LANGUAGE than men. i was very literate and articulate in my emotional language, but i couldnt communicate SHIT to her or actually her to me.

i talk about feelings all the time, too much, WAY too much, yet i couldnt communicate with her. i could just use stupid SIGNALS. and she could just use stupid SIGNALS. her signals were worse than mine! she didnt signal she was just gonna up and walk out and throw me away! i didnt see THAT coming!!!!!!

how do you drop out of high school and get into MIT?

how do you get a degree in PHYSICS but then go for a phd in CS?

i mean physics IS super respectable, its just super different than CS! why not get a BS in CS?

how do you get into a CS Phd at STANFORD, a decent skool? i mean its prob not as good as caltech or mit for CS, but its still good enough to get you a good 200k+ job.

you gotta work hard, make sacrifices, and be a little bit crazy / autistic / obsessed. and never get sidetracked from that goal by emotions or despair or life or setbacks or failures or rejections.

yet so many phd’s are batshit crazy, taking boatloads of psych meds. all of them are on ssri’s, and half of em are bipolar.

yet they still produce good work? well im talking about the tech ones. i mean CODE itself cant be fooking marxist to its core, thats one thing i like about code, compared to writing books and papers and articles that are marxist and antiwhite in their very fiber of being. code is not like that.

but that doesnt stop good coders from being sick marxist antiwhite SJW’s wanting ladybosses and more women in tech and teach girls to code etc.

what does it matter if you teach girls to write hello world code, if you have to be a DAMN GOOD CODER to get a damn tech job??????? it doesnt add up to me. you have to make the children AUTISTIC about coding so they build good coding skills and dont give it up.

i started, but i gave up, because it was super frustrating and i couldnt see it going anywhere!!!!!

i was kinda proud of the super complicated shit i did in C++, but i didnt feel ANY closer to what Real Coders did for Work!!!!! i still didnt understand the shit that 25 year old asian gurl MIT grads wrote about on their hacking/security blogs.

now im sure that gurl does do decent work. good for her. but i wonder if she would have gotten so far at such a young age, if she wasnt a hip qt little asian gurl who dresses like a cyberpunk slut when she gives tech talks, and Thirst Betas drooling over her asian ass hahahahaha. and i am SURE she has been with a LOT of guys, and i am SURE she is HORRIBLE to be in a rel with. because shes an autistic, successful, independent, stronk woman who has lots of wealthy guys showering her with attention all over the world.

just to clarify, yes im sure she does good work and probably deserves a good job in tech. i could never code that well because i dont have the code thirst hahahaha. i only took like 7 tech classes in college hahaha.  i dont know what node.js is. i dont know how to use a sniffer or why you would even use a sniffer or scraper. i know how to type tracert into a command prompt but i dont know what its telling me.

there were at least 3 young men at my shitty confusing tech support job who had full blown BS in CS degrees. not from MIT of courshe!!!!!!!!!!! and probably they were a lot like me: they saw this as a good meal ticket, a useful skill you could get a good job with…..but they were NOT AUTISTIC about it, they were just average coders, followers not leaders, they probably didnt understand node.js either, they just did the work and got their degree but did not have a github page filled with impressive personal projects. therefore they could not outcompete top american coders, and not get an entry level coding job, and therefore had to settle for a damn tech support job, with people without degrees, people with humanities degrees, people without A+ certification, etc. in other words if i got a CS degree i wouldnt get any further ahead than where i was. and getting a CS degree is hard as hell. “even” for these guys. it takes 4 hard years of full time hard CS courses! even being an average or below average CS grad is not a small achievement in my book!

its good to want to be the best……but you also have to make that want a reality, by ACTUALLY OUTPERFORMING everybody else and BEING the best. otherwise you just get stuck in a shitty job that literally drives you crazy and gives you a nervous breakdown and makes you Mentally Disabled 4 Lyfe! and now youre a damn HANDICAPPED person who needs DISABILITY payments because you CANT WORK, and you CANT LYFE. fook that shit.

while some gurl who is nowhere near as smart as you, and doesnt even know how to hello world, just goes with the flow and keeps makin the monay. im kinda jealous of HER!!!!!!

how could she NOT know i was hurting? in my email she never read and maybe doesnt even know i sent, i told her i was hurting. but the biggest signal was that i quit muh job because of her.

i never had someone quit their job because of me!!!!!

i like to think i would reach out to them and say WHOA HEY COME ON, you dont have to go THAT far, come on, DONT DO THAT, lets smooth things over and come up with an arrangment where you dont have to do that, we can still work together!

nope, no effort at that from her. and yes i DID want something like that from her! i wanted some sort of communication! and some sort of KINDNESS. why couldnt she show me even a SHRED of sympathy or kindness???!?!?!?! i didnt stab her in the back or the heart! we were friends for almost 3 years!

if you use a cigaret making machine, try to buy the same brand filter tubes as the brand of your machine. like premier or top. actually the gambler tubes worked allright for me even though i have a premier machine.

I ACTED IN GOOD FAITH with her at all times. even if i was scared to tell her an important thing. i always acted in good faith. i dont see how she could POSSIBLY act in good faith when she……….throws me away like a piece of garbage. there is no way you can do that in good faith.

GOOGLE thrown away like a piece of garbage

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=thrown%20away%20like%20a%20piece%20of%20garbage

hahahahaha

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/discarded-like-trash-7522931.html

https://archive.is/trylw    archive of ^^^^ this one

http://www.examiner.com/article/have-you-ever-been-thrown-away-like-garbage

uhhh she did not present those warning signs, did not seem overly selfish or narciss. but heres a good point:

QUOTE

Another generality is deep-seeded selfishness. Now before you rebel at this, let’s look at some of the ways that selfishness gets disguised. People who throw others away will use such justifications as…I didn’t love him/her anymore. or There were just too many problems. It was overwhelming. or The relationship got stale. We just weren’t growing. Underneath all of these justifications is a theme of Me Me Me. I don’t want to be with someone I no longer love. I don’t want to do the hard work that could repair this relationship. I don’t want to be bored. The basic underlying characteristic of a relationship is that it consists of two people…not one. People who are that deeply selfish, need to stay out of relationships. But we know this isn’t going to happen, because they won’t be honest with themselves and attempt to change. They will continue to leave destruction and pain in their paths.

END

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-spouses-discussions/general-support/2426364-thrown-away-like-trash

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1lhmin/me25m_with_my_gf_25f_of_8yrs_been_7_months_but/

broke up with him for no reason, he feels thrown away like a you know what, searched term on r/relships hahahaha

this ones pretty good too. he had her FB password and would log in and spy on her after the breakup to see that she fooked a new guy within 2 weeks and loved him, and said he was so much better than her xbf (the OP!) who was sitting there secretly reading these chats. thank god i never did that!!!!!!

he went through a horrible breakup, found a better woman, but they had to break up due to “circumstance”, probably somebody moving for a Career hahahaha. he is 24 and some kind of grad with a Career and even though he had 2 breakups that were worse than mine, and was devastated, he managed to start his career at a young age. maybe this was because he was not a drinker hahahahah or maybe he was an autisticcally talented coder from a good skool hahahaha and companies where competing to give him jobs hahaha.

basically the point is the man is always wrong, the woman is always right. if the man asks for advice, women tell him, oh heres all the things you did wrong that you didnt realize, now go beg for forgiveness. actually begging is bad, just g and be more perfect and hope she doesnt dump you, you dont deserve her hahahaha. she can do whatever she wants to you and you have to TAKE IT cuz its ALL ABOUT HER, ME ME ME ME ME, and if you dont like it, you can get out, you cant HANDLE such an AWESOME woman, youre no MAN enough to DESERVE her, if you cant HANDLE her at her worst, you dont DESERVE her at her best, or even when she’s being merely not shitty,

you woman hating needle dicked f4ggot rapey entitled niceguy creeper weirdo weak cowardly bitter hateful immature insecure clingy needy thirsty mamas boy!

like if you tell the gf she is acting like a child because she is throwing a stupid tantrum….YOURE the bad guy for talking to her like shes a CHILD. even though she is totally acting like a retarded bratty CHILD.

see

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1cg3nc/my_22m_gf_20f_is_throwing_a_tantrum_that_includes/

anyway. if i ever wanted to GET RID of somebody, i MIGHT avoid them, but if they came at me begging for closure, begging for me to talk to them, and be nicer, i like to think i would be mature enough to say, wow, they are really hurting, i dont want to be responsible for that, im gonna at least try to SHOW THEM that im trying to let them down gently. that im making an effort, that i DONT want to HURT them.

hehhehehe and i am wasting SO MUCH precious time and money mourning over some woman who doesnt deserve it! shes making 15 DAH while i am making 0 DAH! more than 15 times what im making!!!!!!!  when i should not even be thinking about her ever, and making 16DAH while im doing it!!!!!!!!!!

so basically if someone does something, and you think, wow, i NEVER thought they could do something liek THAT to ME!!!!! then whats to say other people also wont hurt you in shocking, surprising, unknown unknown ways??? ways that you can never fathom or predict or understand or even prepare for or defend against?

they will find chinks in your armor you didnt even know were there, and slip the fookin sword in!!!!

bitches can

JELQ MUH DIQ

hahahahaha.

i couldnt remember what that word meant. i should not have looked it up hahahaha.

it just boggles my mind how much some stupid woman can hurt you, namely because you luv them TOO MUCH; and its mind boggling how DEGENERATE people can be. like her going off and jelqing dix of guys she just met. its just SO degen to be a slut doing promiscuous casual sex, it disgusts me SO much and makes me SO angry that women ruin themselves in such a disgraceful way. how can you make wives and mothers out of these pigs? i mean they would have to go through an INTENSIVE repentance and rehabilitation project.

so shes fooking guys, making videos, they are seeing and doing things i could only DREAM of, i never got to make out with her or cuddling with her, yet here they are fooking her up the ass and they dont even know each other or trust each other. something just seems so wrong about that. to indulge every sexual desire as quickly as possible. before getting to know each other.

how long does it take to really get to KNOW somebody?

at least a YEAR.

so wait at least a YEAR before having secs with a guy. bitches.

oh but he was so charming and secsy. i had no responsibility in the matter.

so youre saying you didnt consent? fook that shit. just make the CHOICE to CLOSE YOUR LEGS, WHORE.

say it with me: CLOSE YOUR LEGS, WHORE.

hahahahaha.

how HARD is it to KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED, WHORE.

very very very very very very hard, apparently.

HARDER THAN A GAMMA MALE TO GET SECS FROM A WOMAN.

yes. the woman you wanted to commit to and spend your life with and have children with, dumps you without a word, and goes and does PORNO DEGEN shit with random sleazy strangers, shit that makes schlomo rub his hands and say GOOD GOY, yes, discover yourself secsually, its so liberating, and theres nothing wrong with it!

so then women tell you, well you dont own her, she can make her own decisions, and if shes consenting to the promiscuous, pornographic secs, its all good.

well its true its her body and she can do whatever she wants. that doesnt make pornographic secs good or right or moral.

and all the worse when you were prepared to make real sacrifices for this woman, build a future with her. then she throws you away without a word.  now i have no PROOF she is out doing degenerate porno secs, but it wouldnt really surprise me. NOTHING would surprise me after the big surprise she gave me. if shes capable of THAT, shes capable of ANYTHING. abuse. abortion. torture. cheating. mvrder. degeneracy. promiscuous. porno. open rels. slippery slope. where does the degeneracy end??/?????!?!?!?! who knows??!?!?!?!

but i KNOW she USED to be a decent person. she wasnt hiding this secret alter ego from me all along. theres not even a secret alter ego i can blame it on. its just one big bad decision. in fact shes probably NOT having degen secs with randos, rather shes continuing being a Nice Gurl with her family, like she always was.

i just wish she had some REMORSE for this. and hadnt made such a BIG mistake. or at least showed REMORSE for it.

http://iqtest.dk/

i did this in like 20 out of 40 minutes and got a damn 115 IQ. that does not make me feel good about myself. i always thought i was more like 125 at least hahahahahaha. 115. i am a fooking idiot. i r not smart enough to become a stem master hahahaha.

i am the dumbest person on the trs forums hahaha

i could probably get a little higher if i got a few more questions right. its all pattern recognition but some of those patterns are RIDICULOUS mufooka. i guessed outright at at least 3 out of 40.

 

BETRAYAL BAROMETER

0127

weird dreams r us last night. well at least they did not include That Woman.

the more interesting one featured a woman from Uni i started having random dreams about a few years ago, indicating that i should have pursued her when i had the chance, but i was too distracted on other women and other issues. and here was a cute fun woman just a little outside my immediate circle. she was very cute and didnt hate me and i was favorable to her and at that time she wasnt a huge slut yet hahahaha. she was one of those that started taking all the cox AFTER college. yes there are some women like that. survive college without getting on the cok carousel but then the postcollege world is brutal. well i can udnerstand that. at best, your dreams are shattered, you are 50k in debt, you are working all the time and lose all of your friends because you have no time, so the best you can hope for is casual sex with strangers in bars and tinder and match and random acquaintances, and hope the casual sex turns into something greater…..but it usually doesnt. then back to work for you and you are fooking some person you dont even know. this is the best case scenario: assuming you can get and keep a decent job after college. well, assuming you dont say fook this shit and go to grad skool hahahaha. which she did not do. and i kinda liked that cuz i was sick of EVERYONE but me going to grad skool. but she got a gainful job so im jelly about that. and she might go to grad school at age 30. one of THOSE.  as in, give up your decent job entirely to go to a full time, well recognized grad program and reinvent yourself kind of thing. i dunno. i quit faceberg and dont plan ot go back haha.

anyway i would still date her now even though she is 30 and has probably been with….well at LEAST 10+ guys. i liked her cuz she was super cute, and also nice and friendly and not bitchy, but also kinda shy. she stuck with her female friends and didnt have 900000000000000000000000000 guy friends.

ANYWAY in the dream i was supposed to “pick her up from school and take her home” but instead she stayed with me and was showing intense interest in me. jumping all over me and wanting to get fooked NOW. getting ecstatic over ME.

that was nice because i wasnt used to that and she was very attractive and i liked her….but it was also a red flag. it seemed way too soon and quick for her to do this. this might not be real or long lasting. if she could do that with me, she could do it with 9000000 other guys. to go from 0 to 60 like that. i dont TRUST it. its nice getting the attention in the moment, but you fear rightfully that its not gonna last. meanwhile youre getting feelings while she’s LOSING INTEREST and moving on the next guy. its bipolar. woman2004 aka woman2 was like this.

this is why i think its wrong to have secs too early: before you KNOW a person, before you LIKE a person. and that takes TIME. it takes at least 6 months. and when THE RULE is to have secs on the THIRD DATE???!?!?!?!?! what a horrible rule. assuming one date per week, you should not be having secs before the TWENTY FOURTH DATE, at LEAST!!!!!!!

and then she in the dream was like, you dont have to take me home, i wanna spend the night with you. yay that means lots of cuddles with the secs i thought, but i was supposed to take her home, where the premise was, she lived with her family hahahaha. i said wont your family care about you spending the night with some guy you and they dont really know? and she said no thats fine. not a problem. either she was gonna lie or they just didnt care their daughter was a slut. WELL THEY SHOULD! I WOULD!!!!

ANYWAY as it turned out, the whole thing was a trick to get lonely beta males desperate for female attention, then ensnare them into a weird Vampire Zombie Undead Cult Army. the cute secsy succubus pulls you in, then turns you over to the zombie hordes, where you get essentially tortured and made into a monster hahahaha.

GEE I WONDER WHAT THIS DREAM MEANS hahahaha in terms of how i feel about WOMEN.

but it was presented as kind of a Cute Edgy Funny Entertaining Teen Young Adult Movie. possibly like army of darkness mixed with zombieland mixed with i dunno, twilight or john green.

vapaudenristis 2012 demo is also very good hahaha. very heavy guitar sound but just as catchy and high energy as ever. it makes some of his other projects look a bit low energy by comparison! i like this raw in your face masculine energy and emotion. i guess that is the point of RAC and i am very happy this guy is/has been doing RAC.

anyway the dream. yeah thats about it. this particular woman didnt seem much like that, rather woman2 did.

but it is very powerful when a young cute gurl is showing intense interest in you. smiling at you, enjoying every stupid thing you say, just WANTING you. i just wish it hadnt gone from 0 to 100 so fast. just slowly ramped up and lasted a long time. start with hanging out and smiling. slowly move to cuddling and touching and making out. then slowly move to secs. is that too much to ask? yes, yes it absolutely is hahahaha.

had another dream before that. i had snuck into some luxury resort hotel, poolside, and there was some weird massage chair where robot hands gave you a massage. i started doing that and noticed there was a gurl sitting there watching me. she wasnt particularly supercute but she was young, early 20s, which at my age is really all you need. she was slightly flabby and cow looking and certainly would not look any better than she did now. but even chubby girls can be cute if they are young. she made some kinda of joke to me that was actually funny and witty and smart, but she had a voice like a deaf person that was not hot at all. she was wearing a bathing suit and began coyly showing me her genitalia.

i said something degenerate like you have a real nice pvssy, i wanna get a closer look at it, and then she started s’ing muh d, and then the dream was over 1 second later.

well better to have these degen dreams than to think about HER. or also prono. i guess i could use my image of that first mentioned woman to help me try to get over THAT woman. in that, heres another real life woman i am attracted to and who had real rel potential. who i actually sorta knew at one time 10 years ago and who was friendly to me. that is very important too hahaha.

obsessed with women hahahaha.

but i hate the thought that people have no obligations to each other, you can do whatever you want, and nothings right or wrong. plus the jury of women in my head which says, what she did wasnt that bad, and you have no right to be upset, woman hater. stop trying to control her reaction. she can do whatever she wants.

i dunno i just want some SYMPATHY. when i tell this story to a future woman i want her to side with me and say yeah that sucks, she should have been more courteous to you.

just show me some sympathy and warmth and kindness. dont tell me, yeah it sucks but life isnt fair. friends and lovers are supposed to be NICE to you. thats one of the obligations of being a friend or lover hahahaha. that you sympathize with your friend over some random stranger.

https://soundcloud.com/deathtoposersradio/2512016-dtp-radio-show-pt3?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

new vapaudenristi song on some finnish metal radio show. i assume its new, i havent heard it before. it sounds good. this guy can literally do no wrong whatsoever.

how do you know when something is betrayal? i say its not betrayal. she says it IS. only one of those answers can be correct.

well the answer is, her BETRAYAL BAROMETER was calibrated extremely LOW due to a recent betrayal. therefore she was extra sensitive to betrayal now, and somebody having a small disagreement with her would be paranoidly interpreted as ghastly BETRAYAL.

ok now my ears and brain and heart are ready for the new clandestine blaze album. i wasnt ready for it when it came out. now after listening to tonnes of vapaudenristi, the CB sounds great. sounds more high energy than all other CB. more rocking, more energy, more immediate, very hateful. as if the V is bleeding over into the CB. FINE BY ME!!!!

i dont even know how he has TIME for CB anyway. he even uses Roaring Shouty V style vokals on at least one song here.

what im saying is i wonder if his work in V is making his work in CB even BETTER.

also what im saying is if he had to focus on one project from now, i would suggest V. because what they stand for is so important. the future of EUROPE and its PEOPLE hehehehe. it is for V that people call him a racist and a nazi. because being a NATIONALIST is the WORST THING EVER. protecting your country from saracen invaders raping your women, you cant do that!

anyway he produces so much music that it is hard to keep up with it all. but when this CB album came out in first half of 2015 (pre my life falling apart) i just wasnt ready for it. now i am, and i sounds like the freshest CB material ive ever heard, possibly the best.  Peak CB. highly recommended for metal fans and nationalists.

shit i am thinking of just writing this guy a long fan email already. be like i am your biggest fan and never stop doing what you do. and if i had to buy something from your store right now it would pref be a vapaudenristi shirt so make a bunch more of those hahahaha. ideally i would meet you in person and we could have a long talk about Nationalism; and also a Long Talk about Degeneracy and how it relates to what you did in some of your more degenerate projects (Nicole 12, and back in the day he even made some “fetish videos”. but i honestly think those days are behind him now. i hope.)

“consent carnival” at USC with college money going towards educating college students on what exactly is consent, and how to get it. obviously CONSENT has been a big deal lately, with the Marxist Implication being: all men are rapists, you have to teach men not to rape, men dont know what consent is, there is an epidemic of rape on college campuses hahahaha.

with the less political suggestion that NO ONE, men or women, knows what consent really is, and that men and women dont know how to communicate with each other any more.

no means yes and yes means anal hahahahahahahahahaha

and women like when manly men push through their last minute resistance and TAKE them hahahaha.

hey i have no idea what consent is any more, having not had secs in 11+ years and reading all this stupid news and feminism stuff.

BUT its ESSENTIAL to remember, that when i DID have secs 11 years ago………….the consent was super obvious. she was practically BEGGING for my cok hahahaha. if anything the consent was coerced on MY side because i was nervous as fook and felt we were rushing into it. i wanted to take it slower, it all seemed so fast and hurried and unchill. but i went ahead and did it cuz i felt, well ive been wanting to do this forever, who knows when i’ll get another chance, its now or never. and it literally was! cuz there was a huge drought before that and a huge drought after that!

but as far as the actual CONSENT, there was NO ambiguity there. the actual consent was the least of my worries.

so i didnt have the consent problem all these college kids seem to be having as reported by the ((((((media))))). me, who just doesnt get along with women, women hate me to my very soul, every fiber of my being is repulsive to them, and i cant communicate with them and they cant communicate with me. everything is a goddamn ambiguous signal. except when it comes to actual secs. there was no doubt about it. enthusiastic consent was given at every second.

https://archive.is/hp6mY

related: this shit from attn dot com, a leftist shit site. tries to use COMICS to WIMMINSPLAIN to men the Complexities of Consent and how men think all this shit is consent but its really RAEP cuz men are such stupid evil rapey barbarians. RAPEY.

https://archive.is/Rz7DC

ok this one has the actual comic pictures i was talking about. this is how STUPID and EVIL they think MEN are.

oh secs is EASY. its maintaining an actual RELSHIP and talking about FEELINGS thats hard.

no wonder bitches are so good at having casual secs and so bad at having relships hahahaha.

went WAY over calorie budget yesterday. felt bad about that. and i didnt even REALLY gorge myself. and i still went WAY over. like 800 over. jesus christ. eating at night. and then a “dessert” of pastry on top of that!!!!!! come on!!!!

i just ate some chikun wangs! whats so bad about that? a lot actually. chikun wangs, pizza, pastries, donuts, its all bad.

anyway i say its not betrayal, she is, only one of us can be right.

well its betrayal if the person feeling betrayed says its betrayal.

i DONT GET TO SAY, yeah but youre wrong, its not a real betrayal because i didnt MEAN to betray you. or it didnt meet these official criteria of betrayal. if the betrayee FEELS betrayed, then its betrayal, and i should feel bad.

but again my response is, she was just WAY too sensitive and we could have figured this all out with a Talk.

but COULD we have? 50% NO! we could have sat down for a talk and she could have been just like a damn brick wall like she was, and STILL refused to listen or understand or try to see my point of view!

and the last thing someone who feels betrayed wants to do is talk with their would be BETRAYER about the situation!

i dunno i have never REALLY felt THAT betrayed by a person before. i have felt severely disappointed, left in the lurch, not given a change, but real stick the knife in betrayed? not really. i dont even feel betrayed by HER here! just very very disappointed.

maybe if she just said, no i dont think you BETRAYED me,  i just cant handle this, but youre not a bad guy, you didnt BETRAY me, then i would feel a lot better.

i dont LIKE when somebody forever thinks i betrayed them!!!!!!

im not the kind of guy who betrays people!!!!

but i get along SO BADLY with WOMEN, that i BETRAY them without even THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

THAT is the kind of automatic negative thoughts i need to fight off all day.

its just real shitty. she was primed and paranoid to think EVERYTHING was betrayal. nothing i can do about that.

but i really didnt want to hurt her. i luved her! and when i luv someone, i dont do things that will HURT them!

basically somebody you luv saying you did something very wrong to them, and they hate you for it, and its NOT WHAT THEY THINK!!!! but they refuse to listen to your very sensible reasonable explanation, and hate you forever for it. its hard to just sit there and accept but thats ALL you can do.

i just hate being accused of something very bad, that i didnt really do. but i sort of did! i mean shes not misinterpreting what happened, shes misinterpreting the meaning of it, if that makes any sense.

well she COULD be misinterpreting what happened, IF she thinks i had Dual Intent, and False Pretenses ALL ALONG. then she would be even MORE WRONG. which would kinda be good, as it would more convincingly convince myself that i did not do something horrible.

but yeah when you get thrown away its very dehumanizing. you feel like you dont matter as a person. your voice and opinion and perspective dont matter. you werent even good enough to be HEARD, to be LISTENED to. they just wanted to get rid of you and not hear you bitch and moan and complain. its almost like being ASSASSINATED, or K’ed by a HIT MAN. just dispose of this toxic waste. but youre not dead. youre still alive.

it is a REAL mindfook to be disposed of like this and i wish the jury of judgmental women in my head would agree with that and show me a little SYMPATHY and say ITS WRONG TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

not, WELLLLLLL, what YOU did was bad too, and nobodys entitled to anything, and she doesnt HAVE to show you courtesy, esp when YOU were no angel either.

yes i fooked up but i didnt fook up THAT bad to deserve THAT. i want people to agree with me on the difference in magnitude as well hahahahaha. realize this was a complicated situation. i was TRYING to not lie to her. i was giving her signals because i couldnt HIDE it.

well im the bad guy because i NEEDED TO SAY IT. i couldnt just realize that she was taking my hints, and giving me a solid hint of her own: i dont want this,  i dont like you. and i could have LEFT IT AT THAT. but i DIDNT. i had to SAY it. so in some? many? womens eyes that DOES make me a bad guy, doing a creepy feelings dump, saying something HORRIBLY awkward when its OBVIOUS it doesnt NEED to be said.

well i disrespectfully disagree with that opinion. some of us just need to say the words.

also in many situations like this, a man falling in luv with female friend, THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER and have a CHANCE to talk about it, or at least SIGNAL to each other with more clarity. i was going crazy that she WOULDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME ANYMORE and instead of just saying no, would give me excuse after excuse, saying well hang out later. and stupid me i beleived that, becuase i wanted it to be true!

went to Gym and burned 867 calories. angry at everything. starving but since i went SO far overboard yesterday,  i gotta budget today. well, not really. looking at other days i can see i have PROBABLY ALREADY made up for it.

BUT since i am PLANNING on eating at muh social gaym later, i gotta prepare for that. so why be mad about that? because i am very hungry now? most of the world is hungry! whenever i get hungry, i try to tell myself, thats GOOD, get USED to it, it is because i have eaten too much that i too much weight and fat on my body, so i have to be HUNGRY a little bit in order to lose that weight.

i am not autistic as i seem hahaha.

i am also more concerned about muh job situation than it seems from this writing. i just PREFER writing about the woman situation.

basically its an illustration of how bad communication can result in a TOTAL CLUSTERFOOK.

we talked about stuff. we just didnt talk about the stuff that MATTERED. because i was too SCARED, and she was too…unneccessary. pointless. nothing she could gain from it. just pure awkwardness. no REASON to talk or communicate. she had nothing to say. she didnt have feelings for me. why couldnt i see that. shes not giving me any positive signals. why couldnt i just take the hint. well because i didnt want to take the hint, i was in denial. but is that so goddamn evil and betraying? of COURSE i was in denial, i was in TRUE LUV!!! i wanted to believe there was a CHANCE! yeah its stupid and embarrassing and naive but is it treacherous, treasonous, lying, betraying? i dont think so. but again only she gets to determine when her trust is betrayed or not.

so now im a bad guy; betraying trust and hurting people without even being aware; AND being heartbroken in the worst possible way.

so yeah its another one of the blame myself days.

other days i blame her.

shift between hating self and hating her!

well if the roles were reversed….if a female friend was in one sided luv with me…i would feel BAD that i didnt return her feelings! i would say im sorry and MEAN it! not HATE them for it! i would ALREADY be hurting them enough from not liking them back!

anyway i hate being shitty to people. so it sucks to think i can hurt somebody without knowing it. i mean not many people are close enough to me to hurt them!

did i really HURT her though?!?!?!?! ill never know. maybe she doesnt even feel betrayed. she was just disgusted and annoyed. but not betrayed. or maybe she felt bad! i’ll NEVER KNOW!!!11111!!!!!!!

SELF SOOTHING hehehehe. EVERYTHING i used to do this became a bad habit: pr0nography. alcohol. MJ. FOOD. you eat FOOD to self soothe. then you gain weight and become a fatass.

what about jerking off without using pornography? to women that are not going to destroy your spirit? still a slippery slope and kinda degenerate.

better to PRAY.

and to LIFT. or exercise.

so lemme get thsi straight. if she THINKS i did something wrong…..then i did something wrong??? WELL I THINK SHE DID SOMETHING SUPER WRONG!!!!!11

maybe reddit relationships will have the answer i am looking for hahahaha. nope. nothing will have the answer im looking for. i have been thinking of just POSTING on these forums already.

 

A COOLING OFF PERIOD IS NOT MEANT TO AVOID AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION FOREVER

0102

yeah its all stupid. i am just angry that it will be near impossble to find a young qt woman who is less of a slut. i mean she was only with 2 guys ever!!!!!!!! that is so attractive hahahahaha. most girls her age have been with 10+ guys!

but whats better, a nonslut who shows you no love or loyalty, or a slut who does? tis better to be luved by a woman whos been with 30 guys, thant to be completely thrown away by a woman whos had only 2 hahahaha.

i dunno i just dont like sluts hahaha.

chekcing out this site called myfitnesspal.com which seems to be good

tfw you eat 1200 calories for breakfast hahahahahaha

well my goal was to burn 1000 calories on the fatclub and i did that.

did not see any women there that looked like HER.

i saw a woman in the parking lot and my first thought was, oh that looks like her, but it totally was not.

saw a guy i worked with at That Job. i avoided him. weird that he sees HER every day. maybe he has fooked her hahahaha and would tell me, damn why would you lose your mind over that crazy bitch slut hahahaha i totally blew her ass out! she is a filthy whore who gives up her ass so easily now!

but i am ambivalent about the guy. we had a few friendly chats but he increasingly became an annoying dickhead. might make him successful with the ladies but it seemed more annoying than charming. but he does drive a motorcycle, btiches like that hahaha.  well hes white and has 1 or 2 kids so thats good…..dont think hes with the mother. because she is a bitch? or because he is an annoying prick? why couldnt they figure it out? whose FAULT was the breakup? why couldnt they stay together for the kids?

he is also a SCIENCE!!! leftist atheist libertarian type. o god. be as degenerate and antiwhite as you want, just dont tread on me hahaha. shit he might even be anti guns, but dont quote me. most basic bitch white people in my area, from Cuckservatives to Labor Union Democrats, are pro gun, which is good. guns are good hahahaha.

do women have ANY AGENCY?

some say they dont. i hope to god that they do. cuz if they dont, then you only have yourself to blame, becuase they are like infants who cant be held responsible. baby with a gun hahaha.

heh. if she just said “BE MORE OF A MAN” i probably would have made an honest effort to do just that hahaha.

but they never TELL you what they want. they just send SIGNALS and if you dont read them correctly, they DUMP you hahahaha.

i suppose i might have a better understanding of all this if i ever dumped somebody.

well i CAN tell you that i would be NICER when i did it!

but i mean maybe its not as ridic as i said. like when you dump someone, its because the other person cant do anything really. you couldnt tell them, just be more manly, just be more loyal to me, cuz IT WOULDNT MATTER. you just dont love them, you dont WANT to be with them at all, even if they did change for you.

but yeah if theres no real luv from them to you, you could jump through hoops changing for them, and they’d always find something new to hold onver your head. like ehhhh not manly enough. ok now not successful enough. ehhh but id really like it if you had a motorcycle. ehhh but i wish you made more money. ehhhh but i wish your Lats were bigger. ok now i want you to dress this way. why wont you get a tattoo. that pro white tattoo is so stupid why dont you erase that and get this kewl tribal african design lol. omg i cant take it any more there is so much wrong with you im done i cant even. see its a SLIPPERY SLOPE!!!!!! always trying to APPEASE someone.

so i wouldnt MAKE anyone appease me. i would see that appeasement doesnt WORK, and sit them down and say listen this has to end.

well she realized appeasement didnt work but was too cowardly to sit me down. just wanted me to figure it out from signals.

like shit. getting feelings is not the crime of the century. not like i was torturing animals. it just happened! sorry i started LIKING you, jeez.

on the scale of absolute objective morality, its about a -1 hahahaha whereas throwing someone away that you knew for 3 years who is begging you to respond, is at least a -10 or -20.

bbbbbut nnnnnnotice me sempai.

i just wanted to be noticed by her hahahaha.

yyyyyyyou too

so she wasnt slippery sloping me to change this and change that, it was more like leave me alone, and i thought it was a COOLING OFF PERIOD.

i gave her as much of a cooling off period as i could. but she didnt really give me anything for that, such as a Good COnversation.

A COOLING OFF PERIOD IS NOT MEANT TO AVOID AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION FOREVER.

also i would think a cooling off period lasts no more than a week. not montsh and months, to avoid and hopefully never have an important conversation!!!!

i said i couldnt do that forever, told her we had to communicate more. she said nothing.

i mean yeah shes like a frightened deer who runs away from everything.

ive been rejected by decent nonslut women before, but never this harshly! ive never been rejected this harshly ever before even by indecent sluts!

so yeah when a decent good person rejects you harshly, you really think you did something really wrong!

i wish she had just explained to me that i didnt do anything really WRONG!

getting feelings for someone is not WRONG but i think she thought it was, that i was betraying her. i wasnt.

OR she was just upset at my COWARDICE in not telling her directly.

i dunno tho!!!! i wouldnt get upset at somebody for that! i would say yep ive been there, it takes a lot of courage.

BUT i was giving signals anyway, and she prob WAS picking up on the signals tho!!!!!

yes, im honestly pretty sure of that, she was picking up the signals, and PROBABLY thought, oh god, hes getting feelings for me, this sucks, i hope i can ignore it and he will stop.

and she was furious that i didnt stop. but i couldnt stop because muh feelings didnt stop. they didnt just go away. so we had to DEAL with them. and you cant do that by yourself. you have to engage the borg hahahaha. it takes the person who has feelngs, AND the person they have feelings for, to have a mature grown up conversation or Emails abotu it.

shit write emails thats fine. you can get nervous and flustered in person. writing emails in peace and quiet without them GLARING at you and HATING you is probably even BETTER!

its just so hard finding a decent woman, and then when you do, she rejects you in such a brutal way that you think its all your damn fault, but it probably is more her fault than yours, but since you are a self loathing omega loser, its real hard for your to reach that conclsuion hahahaha.

shes a decent person but she has NO IDEA how to reject people or deal with difficult situations.

i had no control over whether i LIKED her or not. she had TOTAL control over Agreeing to Meet and Talk and Respond to me.

well shes mad i was HIDING it.

but i WASNT hiding it! i was singaling like a madman and trying to get her to meet to talk about it, whihc she didnt want to do!

and ill never know if she was more angry about me liking her, or me being Omega.

being Omega makes gurls REALLY REALLY mad. REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY mad.

more mad than they should be hahahaha.

how omega was i? maybe i was just beta?

Gamgams

well i think i was a high delta at least. i was submissive and weak but i aspired to change the status quo. weakly hahaha.

anyway i think some women have agency. they can GET WHAT THEY WANT.

she could have molded me whatever way she wanted. but she didnt even want to MOLD me. she didnt even WANT to FIX me. hahahaha. i was unfixable hahahaha.

but IF i had been more DOMINANT, then would she have WANTED to fix me? like the other guys?

she preferred DOMINANT men. ALL women prefer DOMINANT men.  and i have NEVER been dominant. therefore i have ALWAYS failed with women. sometimes in absoultely devastating manner.

i dunno. what happened here was confusing and weird and i have no frame of reference for it, and i am afraid of learning the wrong lessons from it, like: it was ALL MY FAULT;

or, she would have liked me if i were more dominant (variation of all my fault; also, i deserved it, etc)

all women would do this

when the more reasonable lesson to learn is, yeah, it would have been better if i had been more courageous and dominant, BUT she still acted way out of line. WHO DOES THIS?

its not that weird to fall in luv with your female friend and get a little cowardly. nobody would say that is the crime of the century.

it is much more monstrous to throw the person away like a piece of garbage.

anyone can agree on that objective truth.

http://www.splicetoday.com/politics-and-media/a-website-that-makes-white-nationalism-fun

lefty swpl phaggot writes smartypants article no one will ever read for inconsequrntial lefty website, that he probably either wrote for free, or got less than 5 bucks for, yet he has a shitty degree from a halfway decent skool hahahahaha.

basically we now have SMART, YOUNG people in the Movement, to make it COOL and FUN, and this is huge. has never happened before. shifting the overton window hahahaha. before it was a bunch of old alcoholic losers doing nothing, failed white men who could not get good jobs or wives or have children hahahaha. of course me personally i am more like that, but i much prefer the Optimistic Tone and youthful vigour of TRS.

also hanging around with young guys makes you more likely to meet younger girls hahahahaha

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricardo_L%C3%B3pez_(stalker)

virgin male who became obsessed with bjork and got mad she was dating a guy (race mixing with electronic artist goldie, i kinda like bjork, but she shouldna done that!) and lopez originally wanted to send her a bomb with hiv infected needles to explode on her and give her aids, and lopez had a huge inferiority complex because he had giant male breasts and could never get a gf, so he was obsessed with that, then became obsessed with celebrities. finally he sent bjork an acid bomb and K’ed himself on camera. today i learned hahahaha.

i could have depressive personality disorder. also avoidant personality disorder.

i bet SHE has avoidant personality disorder to. she avoids everything. she is more avoidant than me! so when you get two avoidant people together……it does not end well hahahaha.

i dunno i was trying to get better abotu my avoidance,  i was trying or at least wanting to NOT avoid it. she wanted to avoid it entirely. and she got what she wanted hahaha.

i wanted to confront it, she wanted ot avoid it.

bjork. why the hell do i like bjork. because she’s white, icelandic, i really liked the gling glo album, really liked dancer in the dark…….but thats about it. i was reading about matthew barneys new movie “rivers of fundament” which is a 6 hour experimental art film with scenes of degenerate shitting assholes and pregnant lesbian sex hahahaha. gee i wonder who could be behind this. hahahaha. i used to think barney was kewl for being uncompromising and arrogant, and now im like, yep all modern art is degenerate as fook, into the trash it goes, and bjork is into that art scene, i bet they made the perfect couple. then i learned that they ended their rel. hehehe. she race mixed with goldie BEFORE she went out with barney, a strapping white goy from idaho, who went to YALE and possibly even played FOOTBALL……but he was into ART. and got more into NYC art scene after yale. oh boy. and of course bjork was into ART as well.

((((ART)))) hahahahaha.

when i was young i enjoyed the pretentiousness and arrogance and (((transgressiveness))) and got along well with some artists in college hehehehe. but this kind of bullshit has NO PLACE in the REAL WORLD. art is degen and “pozzed”. good people should shun and shame it. i am done with art. unless it is like old school classic shit with no degen.

i wish all my old friends well, who got into ART. they are good people but would likely try to convince me how art isnt bad…..because art is what they have built their lives around. yikes.

anyway.

classic dilemma, whats better, a degenerate who treats you nicely, or a good person who treats you badly?

well you are supposed to avoid degenerates right? dont hang out with losers!!!!

but what if you ARE a loser!

but you dont have ot be a loser to be a degen! two diff things!

also i have never known someone that was SO DEGEN that i considered them hopeless. they all started out as good people but maybe they lost their way by being drowned in a degen culture.

people that are bad people, i always avoid them as a rule!

i know shes not a bad person. shit shes a good person. a very good person. thats why i got so into her. but becuase she is also avoidant, and i luv her, she is able to hurt me GREATLY by avoiding me, by ending the rel thru avoiding.

fook. might as well go back to fatclub.  using myfitnesspal i dont really need to go. you dont need to exercise at ALL to lose weight. you just have to not eat hahahaha. but i LOVEEEEEE to eat. and you do not need to eat ridiculously lots to gain weight!!!!!!

 

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT NICER

1125

This illustrates the idiom that if you wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in mud, but the pig enjoys it.

heheheh reading a comment on the argument between laurie penny and david starkey

http://www.theweek.co.uk/uk-news/47617/videos-show-laurie-penny-and-dinosaur-starkey-full-rant

all i know is that laurie penny is a Hip Millennial Feminist Journalist SJW who is the new voice of fourth wave millennial feminism and encourages women to fight the patriarchy through non capitalist means.

who i only know because MUH LADDIE MW talks about her sometimes and says he kinda wants to bang her and commenters poke Loving Fun at him because of that. well i can also understand the desire to bang sex-positive (slut) SJW feminists so long as they are somewhat cute. penny should be cuter but i am desperate enough that i would give her 1 bang. she is better looking than lena dunham at least……but thats not saying much.

yesterday was rough, was thinking about that person all day.  mainly that i betrayed her. i was the bad guy. it was my fault. i was to blame. because i betrayed her. i dont think i betrayed her, but i betrayed her anyway. unwillingly, unconsciously.

so…..i betrayed her by liking her, or by Not Telling Her?

well i DID ultimately tell her. just not right away.

but i DID start sending signals right away.

she noticed the signals because she responded by pulling away.

but did she know what the signals MEANT? i dont know.

i would feel better if she felt betrayed simply by me liking her, because……i couldnt do anything about that. you cant choose who you like.

or did she feel betrayed by me not telling her? because THAT, unlike the previous, i DID have CONTROL over, so it would be more my fault.

yeah well couldnt she see i was going crazy? i was not intentionally trying to hide something from her! i was intentionally trying to tell her something that she was not open to hearing at all! she made it very difficult to have a damn conversation with her, so the best i could do was signals!

it might be more of a “betrayal” if i refused to give signals! but i couldnt not give signals! bottling this up was driving me crazy and causing tension!

so it was more of my responsibility of me to say “WE NEED TO TALK” than it was her responsibility to say “you are being all weird, do you want to talk about something?”

i mean what could i say? i promise to never bottle something important up for months?

why cant she promise to hang out with me when i want to hang out for months and months?

because i was being weird. she wouldnt hang otu with me because i was being weird, and i was being weird because she wouldnt hang out with me. it always leads back to a goddamn vicious circle.

also i came to her and apologized profusely, im sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i didnt tell you earlier, i was trying to, it was causing me a lot of stress, it was making me act weird and you noticed that. i WANTED to tell you! yes i SHOULD have told you earlier.

but she never really apologized to me and, well maybe a teensy bit she did, but she STILL didnt want to make an effort to talk or work on things.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT NICER.

i dunno. all our talking was done via facebook message, and texting, and instant message chatting. why couldnt we just meet one on one like we used to?

well i think once or twice she said sorry for being so distant, cuz she did have some family stuff. i said i would be there to support her with that, and that i hate pushing her to hang out, but i miss you. and she said we will hang out soon.

thats kinda the main reason i never Blurted It Out, because i was delusional that we would hang out soon!

heh. now i wish i hadnt deleted all those chats from the job. cuz i cant remember what happened anymore, i dont know whats real and what im imagining.

i had a dream where i was cuddling a woman that was NOT HER. i took that as a victory!

well, not really cuddling, but close to cuddling. she was sitting close to me and was being warm and friendly to me. good sign.

well shit. i am SORRY. yeah i should have just wrote her more emails when she was still talking to me. i couldnt hang out with her because of stuff with her family. so that automatically makes me the bad guy. but i know she hung out with other people during that time! she was just blowing me off cuz i was on the outs.

i dunno. i just wish she could have been more understanding of me, and nicer to me, and not hated me for liking her, and agreed to hang out with me even once, or replied to my emails even once. i am in a damn phase where i want to contact her again but i know i shouldnt, its been like 100 days.

yes i apologized to her for being insensitive to her family thing.

but she thought these were Just Words. but maybe they were!

well i was genuinely concerned about her family, but i was also genuinely concerned about our relship failing and that things were getting worse between us.

but it was my fault things were getting worse, because i wasnt telling the full story about my feelings.

i was mad at her for onyl giving signals but i was only giving signals too.

well what i needed to say took a lot of courage and i wanted to say it in person. she told me we would hang out soon and i was foolish enough to believe her, even when we hadnt hung out in months.

this is when it gets really fuzzy and confusing and circular.

well……you think if she had ANY feelings towards me, it would have worked out like this? fook no! she would have said yes lets hang out so we can talk; or she would have said youre sending me signals like you like me, is this true, because i might like you too. or when i disappeared from the job she would have responded to me. or when i wrote 4 huge emails she would have responded to me. or that she would have been “WARMER” to me instead of colder. i was weird warm, she was weird cold. if she liked me, maybe she would have been weird warm. she probably wouldnt have been cold like she was.

so, in short, she totally didnt return the feelings, she might be misunderstanding on me “BETRAYING” her, but shes not misunderstood on not liking me back, if she liked me, she would have been WARM and OPEN, rather than COLD and CLOSED.

SHIT. if she was WILLING to not get out of the relship, she would have been warm and open and willing to talk and communicate. she would have said we need to talk, or lets hang out (becuase i want to talk.) and i would have said hell yeah lets do that ASAP.

she just didnt WANT TO TALK, PERIOD. FULL STOP. END OF STORY.

ive never BEEN in this situation. where i begged somebody to respond and they never responded.

so yeah maybe she’s NOT the best person for me…..but i cant see myself getting feelings like that for anyone else. or for things to be as good as it was with her when things were good between me and her and she actually cared about me.

I was like the cowardly lion: kind but cowardly. she was like the wicked witch: coulda been a wee bet kinder.

actually if she was like the cowardly lion it would have been ok: cuz she was kinda cowardly too, just cowardly and mean. if she was cowardly and kind, like me, she prob would have been more willing and open and more likely to respond to a damn email.

slow to anger, quick to kindness hahahahaha. wouldnt automatically assume i was BETRAYING her. maybe read the situation differently. situational awareness, emotional intelligence hahaha. she would say, i bet this is hard for him too. why dont i listen to him and what he has to say. WE SHOULD PROBABLY NOT TALK ABOUT THIS AT WORK. maybe next time he asks me to hang out i will say yes, or if i can’t, i will say, well i cant hang out this day, but lets plan for this day instead. and then stick to it. and then see how he acts. see if it looks like he wants to tell me something, or is trying to make out with me lol

or when he sends me an emotional email saying we need to communicate, i feel like i am losing you, i can respond to it and say yes lets communicate. lets get away from this stressful work environment and go somewhere peaceful and quiet where we can really talk for a while. a restaurant, one of our houses, a park. but not in this god damn office. somewhere away from here. yes i want to figure this out too. lets get to the bottom of this. theres some kind of elephant in the room here.

sheeeit. when my male friend wanted to talk to me about what had happened he invited me to his house and we had a good solid talk for 90 minutes, a nice solid heart to heart talk where i explained everything, he shared some personal things with me, i shared some personal things with him. he actually “blew me off” once because he got sick, but then we set a date after that and made it happen. i knew he wanted to talk and i wanted to talk too.

she didnt want to talk, she just wanted me out of her life, or to stop being weird. well i couldnt just turn off the feelings i had. IF I COULD, I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!! and saved myself all this misery and devastation!!!!!!

did a 5 miler, it was nice outside. couldnt even listen to anything, was busy ruminating ie barrelling right through the middle of the pain like a rogue elephant. like a white gorilla.

i determined that i couldnt have betrayed her. because me getting feelings is not really betrayal.

betrayal is when you do something and think boy if she found out about this shitty hurtful thing she would be mad and hurt!

loving someone is not betraying them. it might be betraying your wife or whatever if you have one, but i certainly didnt, dont.

yeah i could have told her earlier, but she also could have been a LOT NICER.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT NICER.

i didnt expect a nice person like her to be so not nice to me when the rel ended.

i guess it wasnt THAT unexpected if i looked at the signs: she was getting ever more distant, so the LOGICAL CONCLUSION there is that she just cuts all ties. gets ever further distant.

but she might be the type of woe is me, blame the world type of professional victim. so she had to make me the boogeyman, scapegoat, bad guy: get mad at me and blame me.

which was a DOUBLE WHAMMY for me, because when someone gets mad at me, i say, im sorry, i didnt mean to disappoint you, please please forgive me, i will take all the blame.

i have no hesitation in admitting when im wrong………in fact, i will admit im wrong even when im not!!!!!!!!!! like in this case! i flip flop from being angry and disappointed in her, to blaming myself for pushing her away.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT NICER.

but yeah when someone makes me the bad guy, esp somebody i Luv, thats double whammy for me, cuz i fooking BELIEVE them and feel horrible.

so whyd she make me the bad guy?

cuz it was convenient. expedient. EASY. EASY WAY OUT.

so when she saw me acting weird, it was WAY EASIER to BLAME ME as a weird bad guy than to think hes acting weird becuase he likes me and GOD FORBID WE TALK ABOUT IT, that would be AWKWARRRRRRDDDDDDD. god forbid they do anything awkward towards Healing A Broken Relationship.

GOD FORBID YOU TALK ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF THAT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT, JUST BECAUSE ITS AWKWARDDDDDD OR UNCOMFORTABLE OR WEIRD. JEEEEEZ.

yeah i just thought she cared about me more. she used to really care about me. i liked being cared for by her. i liked being a special person to her. then that totally got turned off. she was not willing to talk, not willing to not throw me away, not willing to end the rel cordially, etc.

i dunno. i kinda want HER to go through some pain because i have gone through a WORLD of pain. im not gonna cause the pain for her of course. i just want her to feel pain at the loss of an important relationship to her. i want to matter to her and be important to her and so she is sad when i am gone.

but yeah EVERYTHING was too one sided. i was the only one with feelings, i was the only one who wanted to talk, wanted to try, wanted to communicate, wanted to end things cordially, only one who got hurt, only one who has trouble getting over it.

wawawawawawaw i wanted to be more important to her, that it would take her a while to get over me, but she’s already forgotten about me like she was some common whore and Our Special Rel never even happened wawawawawaw

its like shit we were once close, and now we are DONE, and i am hurting and miss you, i wish you could hurt a little and miss me too! and that would make you want to say sorry for hurting me so much hahaahha

i took at half dose of nyquil, o great.

yeah jsut feel that life is too much to deal with, cant do jobs, cant get women.

BEGGING IS ROCK BOTTOM / AMBIGUOUS SIGNALZ R ALL U NEED / RELATIONSHIP BUDDY / A SMALL MAJORITY

92

yeah communcation can be bad if you are OVERCOMMUNICATING and in a confrontational way, turning everything into an argument, “making a mountain out of a molehill”, when “how was your day” is really your excuse to have a 4 hour bitchfest about stupid shit.

i dont think i was doing that. we didnt commuincate much beyond small talk in between frantic bouts of work for me, and while she was having more fun conversations with other people.

hehehe so its my fault for not being fun. well i blame the job for not being fun. also i took the job more seriously. i actually wanted to know how to fix things, how things worked, to see the big picture. she was just a fooking monkey who had no problem giving people the wrong answer. i was obsessed about being a detective and finding the right answer.

everything was interrupted, we never had a chance just to be with each other for a damn HOUR. if i had had that, i would have said something much earlier.

what she was doing was the cowardly thing where you’re too scared to dump somebody outright, so you try to force them to leave, by being bitchy and cold and mean and pushing them, making them say “FOOK THIS, IVE HAD ENOUGH, IM LEAVING, YOU CANT FIRE ME I QUIT, I DONT DESERVE THIS, SEE YA.”

and of course i did not do that, i doubled down and begged and said PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE I BEGGING YOU LETS FIX THIS.

begging IS rock bottom. I aint too proud to beg, but i can get all begged out, i cant beg forever. I begged as much as I was able, and it was obvious begging wasnt working. i begged and begged and she showed me no mercy, just walked away from me and my begging.

obviously by begging you are trying to force them to say something, just get mad at you and be done with it. so i shouldnt have FORCED her. but the shit was REALLY bothering me and i was DESPERATE for some communication.

obviously you are supposed to be PATIENT. well thing is, i gave patience a try at the beginning. i said ok ill give you some time, i can see this is a bad time for you, i hope you get better, ill be here for you whenever youre ready.

********but dealing with a classic avoider like her, patience can just turn into them avoiding and ignoring it forever.

and thats when patience goes bad. when patiences turns into avoiding and ignoring. you never get the communication, it just gets pushed udner the rug and walked away from.

oh but i wasnt patient for LONG ENOUGH so its all my fault.

well i was patient for a while. then i started getting impatient again.

also, she was de-investing from the rel at the same time i was investing MORE. she was taking herself OUT, while I was putting myself in. she was moving her stuff out at the same time i was moving my stuff IN. i should have been MIRRORING her and taking my stuff out as well. but when you Get Feels, everything goes cray cray. plus i obviously didnt want to believe she was moving everything out. i just tried to be patient.

so by the time she pulled the plug in july, the shit was already DEAD, i just didnt KNOW it or want to believe it. when i sent email1 to her, which i know she read, me begging her to communicate please, it was already over then, when i was desperately trying to save it.

but she was still putting up a facade of semi-niceness at that point which did not indicate AT ALL, sent NO SIGNAL that she wanted the rel to be OVER. so that was def a mixed signal. bad signaling on her part.

PEOPLE ARE NOT MIND READERS. even the licensed marriage and family therapists who say communication is overrated and Vague Ambiguous Signals Are All You Need, agree that people are not mind readers.

i was desperately trying to tell her the contents of my mind and to get her to tell me what she was thinking, but she refused.

i guess because i didnt make her feel SAFE, so thats my fault hahahaha.

well what made me SAFE in her eyes was that i had no feelings for her. when she detected that i had feelings, and she certainly had to have picked up on that by say january 2015, i was no longer safe.

well i couldnt change the feelings. thus i could never become SAFE again.

al turtle, relationship therapist, thank u very much hahahaha.

that would be a great career for me SERIOUSLY, tbh hahahaha. but i dont want to pay 60 grand to take classes, where there are only like 2 jobs in the US in that field, 0% career growth, and if you are one of the lucky few to get a FT MFT Job, you will not be making much more than Tech Support.

i like “Relationship Therapist” much better than “Marriage and Family The Rapist” hahahahaha. because its really about Relationships. maybe its your marriage or family. but maybe its your friends or lack of. maybe its your gurlfran or lack of. maybe its the female friend you want to be your gurlfran but she is detaching from you, while you are attaching to her.

again all signs point to, put up ad on craigslist pimping self out as “Relationship Buddy” just like “Depression Buddy” and “Anxiety Buddy” and try to build Clients as an Unlicensed Paid Listener.

and i can never know anything because she refused to talk. but more than likely, she was trying to push me away permanently, when i thought she was just trying to push me away temporarily for some temporary time and space.

but oh well some ambiguous signals are good enough to clear up that ambiguity, communication wouldnt have helped.

and whos to say ambiguity is a bad thing! ENJOY THE AMBIGUITY!

hahahaha i am bullshitting there. that is something a woman would say. i guess in some instances ambiguity might be ok (i cant think of any), but when you’re on the tightrope of, this is either gonna work out and i will be happy, or this is gonna fail and i am gonna be very unhappy, uh no.

ambiguity is not knowing, and not knowing for too long can drive a person fooking CRAZY. it did to me.

it sucked hahahaha.

and i have now is unanswered questions, hypotheses i can never confirm. i can reverse engineer it and come up with The Most Likely Explanation, but can never confirm it.

was out playing my game last night and saw a woman who looked UNCANNILY like her, which does not happen often, because not a lot of women really look like her, the combination of her body and her features and her personal style is rather unique, she does not dress like a hypersexual modern whore in other words hahahaha.

i could not see the girls face from that angle, but from this angle, it was like a damn doppelganger. so weird. she was not a regular at the place either, had never seen this girl before. didnt help she was getting all cuddly and cozy with her stern looking boifran either.

she had to turn her head and i really had to stare at her face to prove to myself it wasnt actually her.

glad she got out of there relatively early.

but yeah i will NEVER understand it. it is completely out of my hands. serenity prayer now hahahaha.

plus clingers like me seek out avoiders like her, according to al turtle hahaha. or tuttle. whoever. hire me as your assistant for 12DAH dr al!

so who do avoiders seek out? nobody i guess. people just come to them. this is to be expected if the avoider is a woman, and many are. but if the avoider is a man, obviously he will be alone the rest of his life hahaha!

i am kinda an avoider too, i avoided talking about the important things too.  but i was very clingy attached to her and she def was not to me, she let me go and let me fall down the cliff into the abyss of oblivion hahaha. let me fall. let me go hahaha. it sucked.

i was thinking anxiety is the root cause for me, the short term problem. then too much anxiety for too long, kept me from doing much with muh life, which after a few years, resulted in me getting “derpression”, and now i have a mix of both. with the derpression i dont have any long term goals or hope or interests or anything to look forward to, and with the anxiety i have trouble doing anything in the short term, cuz either i am too anxious, and the derpression affects that as well, like whats the point, nothings gonna help.

hehehe i feel like an addict who needs rehab, but i am not on any drugs! well besides the plutocrat poison i am prescribed for my derpression hahahaha.

i guess writing is mah drug. and laziness. and being too attached and obsessed with these damn women. but i havent seen her in like 7 weeks!!!!!! and i still think about her all the time!

but yet its not as BAD as it was. i am slowly moving out of the SHOCK. there was a lot of SHOCK involved because i did not see this coming at all, did not expect this from her at all, totally out of character.

now i am less shocked, and more angry and butthurt and sad hahahaha.

i hate how All Women move Too Fast. secs after the third date or else just replace you with someone better. ever heard of the risk of Women Can Get Pregnant and you should really KNOW a person who is going to be the Potential Father Of Your Children?

and this just sounds RIDICULOUS to women. because women have NEVER been Long Term Big Picture Thinkers, EVEN THOUGH they have the Biggest Long Term Reproductive Costs/Risks. so for the longest time i was like that makes no sense, if anything they should be super geared towards the big picture then. but they’re not.

well, not all women, just 95% of them hahahahahahaha. fooking degenerate culture. postmodern globalist bullshit hahaha.

i think it is because they are as desperate to reproduce as men, so they will reproduce with just about ANYONE, much like a man will, but they have more power to choose a Physically Attractive, Exciting, Fun, Sexy mate. but his long term potential just doesnt matter.

well yeah our modern society of Nothing Has Consequences plays into this too.

and it is hard to turn down the offers of Sexy Exciting Suitors! Shit if i were a Sexual Celebrity and had a QUEUE of cute young gurls approaching me, i would not turn them down!

i cant get preggers though. i have no long term consequences. and thats why men do the approaching.

but i thought it doesnt matter either way.

so MEN’s behavior is dictated by WOMENS long term consequences, but WOMEN can IGNORE their OWN long term consequences. basically yes, thats the way it works. and that is why women are bitches and whores hahahaha.

well not all women. just a sizable amount of them. anywhere from 30 to 90 percent. lets split the diff and say 60%. a Small Majority of Women. as opposed to a Sizable Minority.

Just a Small Majority, not a Vast Majority hahahahahaha.