NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

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EASY WAY OUT

106

LETTER:

i just wish you hadnt taken the easy way out, it really hurt my feelings. i wish you had shown more empathy and realized that dumping me this way was going to really hurt me, whereas dumping me in a more friendly way would spare me a lot of pain. i thought you cared about me more than that. you used to. when someone cares for you and stops caring for you, it hurts a lot. i dont think you were “faking it” earlier either, i think you really did care for me.

i know i was weak and pushy and annoying, and i know that lots of women simply cannot care for a man like that, but i thought you could remember what we had. that you had known me and wouldnt want to hurt me excessively. but this just feels like getting my heart ripped out by someone i thought i knew and trusted. it really hurt to see you change so much. to go from being a warm nice caring person, one of my favorite people, to someone cold and distant and uncaring and even mean to me. that was just too much for me to take. i appreciated your niceness to me, i liked it, and it built me up, made me feel good and happy. when you stopped being nice to me, i was crushed and devastated.

and i really dont think what i did was bad enough to justify this. either me beign pushy, or me getting feelings for you. neither one of those was bad or abusive or horrible enough to justify being cut loose like dead weight, like somebody you never knew.

at the same time, i am the type of guy who always wants to blame myself. what did i do wrong? how did i push you to do this? i was definitely pushy. so i caused this. i ruined my own life. if i had just acted differently, this would have been all different. i am filled with doubt and questions and self blame and guilt, like i just made the biggest mistake of my life, but im not sure exactly what mistake it was.

but deep down i know that its not 100% my fault. but its hard to shake that feeling. and when you end it this way, by dumping me completely with no communication, that increases the feeling like it was 100% my fault, that i alone could have changed this.

but thats really not the way relationships work. each person has rights and responsibilities. each person “controls” 50% of the relationship, has a 50% share in it. i made mistakes but i think you made mistakes to. i am more than willing to admit to my mistakes and to apologize for them. it does not seem you are willing to do the same. it is like you are trying to make me the bad guy, and that hurts me a lot, because i am the type of guy who would believe that. i can very easily believe that I was the bad guy, that it was 100% my fault.

I think in an abusive relationship there can be a bad guy and a good guy. many times the abuser will try to blame the abused for the abuse, and this is never ever right. (“See what you made me do!  I wouldnt have to do this if you would just behave! dont make me beat you! this is your fault! it hurts me when you make me hurt you!” etc).

so part of me thinks i was that bad guy. but another part of me thinks that the problems were more split between us, and the way we communicated with each other. we communicated very well on many issues, but on several important issues, both of us avoided communication.

for example, our feelings towards each other. neither of us were eager to talk about that openly.

that changed when i got feelings for you. then i was much more willing. i wanted to talk about it then. thats why i was always bugging you to hang out. can you understand how that type of conversation is better had in person rather than thru email, text, or phone?

i legit thought we were gonna hang out and i was gonna tell you about these feelings. i fully expected all that to be done by like october or november. but our hangout just kept getting postponed. i felt like you never wanted to hang out. i would ask you to hang out and you would avoid it. this became a pattern and then many months had gone by with no hangout.

tension was definitely starting to build and i should have just said what i needed to say. so that was my mistake. instead i kept pushing you to hang out. i know you told me to back off and i did try to back off. but after a while i couldnt back off any more. i needed to talk about this.

i am the type of person who needs to get my point across with words and not with signals alone. i was trying to give signals, but i needed to make sure you understood exactly what i was feeling. and for that i needed words, i needed talking and verbal communication.

relationships end, its just a fact of life. sometimes both people want it to end. but in situations where just one person wants to end it, and the other person doesn’t, it gets complicated. its a fact of life the person who wants to stay in, is gonna get hurt. there is no way around that. but the person who wants to end it, can make an attempt to spare the persons feelings during this hard time. i really dont think i was such a horrible person. i think i deserved having you attempt to spare my feelings even just a little.

i know you are going through some tough times with family. i hope things get better or you at least stay strong. i wanted to support you through these times but maybe you dont want my support. that is up to you. just realize that when you reject me it will hurt my feelings. i just thought you would care more about not hurting me. that is what empathy and friendship is all about. you might not completely understand the person, but try not to hurt them. do no harm. treat people as you would like to be treated.

you have gotten thrown away like garbage by people you cared for. abandoned, cut off. i know that broke your heart and made you feel horrible. please dont do that to me. you of all people know how horrible it feels. you are a better person than that, a kinder person. and if you do need to abandon somebody harshly, dont do it to a friend you knew for 2 years. its a bit more acceptable to do this when you dont know the person. but you know me and i know you. it feels like a piece of my heart has been ripped out when you removed me from your life like this. how could i go from beng a good friend to being a piece of trash? i annoyed you and was not a great communicator. does that really make me a horrible person?

i was begging you for mercy. its strange. cuz you used to be merciful to me, and i would never have to beg for it! but this is the time i needed it most of all.

im sorry about your family troubles. but i just wish you hadnt cut me off the way you did. that we could not even have one conversation about it, or that you could not write even one email. its not like we had 10 arguments and got nowhere. i dont know, maybe thats what would have happened. but maybe not. its real shitty that something so good had to end in such a bad way. a great 2 year friendship thrown away without even ONE conversation. that hurts me a LOT. couldnt we have one conversation? couldnt you respond to one email? how could you hate me so much just from being annoying? couldnt you see me as a person behind it all? couldnt you just write me an email?

relationships end, thats a fact of life. but theres a good way and a bad way to do it. this was not a good way to do it. you could have spared me a lot of pain; and left with good karma; and have me remember you a lot better. there was a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings here that didn’t have to be that way.

this hurts me so much because we used to be close once. i hadnt been that close to a woman in years. that helped me build feelings for you. and now all that is gone. even if it hadnt help build my feelings, it was still a very meaningful and important friendship to me, and i am very sad that it ended this way. i wish we could have talked abotu the end of the friendship rather than have me trying to talk and you refusing to respond.

yeah i guess theres nothing that NEEDS to be said, and the situation speaks for itself. you dont want to be part of this any more, and you dont need to say anything, just walk away. well that is somewhat true, but i think the polite and kind and decent thing to do is acknowledge the friendship was good while it lasted, and that you dont hate me as a person. i dont believe ive done anything worth hating. temporary annoyance, sure, but not long term hate.

i was a doormat and i apologized too much and didnt stand up for myself. i should have told you how much it bothered me when you distanced yourself from me.

again i know noone likes a weak man, but i wasnt just some random pathetic weakling. we knew each other for years. do women really hate weakness this much? I can understand that women naturally dislike weakness but this just seems like too much. so in your mind i’d already thrown the friendship away, so you no longer had the responsibility to treat me like a friend?

 

////////////End Letter portion

it has been 84 days since the horrendous shitstorm and i feel…..not as bad as i have, thank GOD. even though i did not sleep too bad.

FLASHCARD: why did she do it? how could she do it?

EASY WAY OUT.

three simple words. because it was EASIER than the alternative of telling me. it was EASIER. this is…understandable in the sense that it makes sense that humans take the easy way out, path of least resistance….even though it may be cowardly, avoidant, shitty, and not the right thing to do. they do it anyway because its easier for them. period. or to avoid stress and anxiety. shit. i have avoided and procrastinated a lot for that very reason.

i just thought the strength of our friendship would convince her to not take the easy way out. that she would remember the good times we had in the past.

because she has some tendencies to get stuck in the past. seemingly “hung up” on some people who have died, in very obvious ways. cant seem to get closure there or let them go.

but she can sure as shit let ME go like i never existed, yet overly grieve for dead people every day?

yep. yeppers.

to the point where you cant even write an EMAIL or a TEXT? i GET that talking is hard and not easy. but sending a damn text is easy as shit, you dont have to face the person!

well….have you ever wrote an important email and then agonized over pressing the send button? i have! emails to her! maybe she did write me emails but just couldnt send it.

also when you are overwhelmed by stress you cant even do simple things.

like in the thick of it, i would wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing about my STUPID JOB, thinking, well where does this come from? what causes this? in terms of the stupid technical shit. who can fix this? what bullshit line do i say here? and then i would just begin asking retarded questions, like:

how do i tie my shoes? i dont know.

who was the first president? i dont know.

what state do i live in? i dont know.

what year is it? i dont know.

what do you do if you went to bed on wednesday and when you woke up it was monday? can that happen?

what color is the sky?

what if the color blue was really the color orange?

in addition to the ridiculous work-related questions AND the ridiculous woman-related questions. questions and anxieties keeping me up at 3 4 am when i had to get up and do a ridiculous 8 hour shift of being bombarded, overwhelmed, and confused; AND get weird standoffish cold behavior from My Favorite Special Person; actively breaking my heart on the job throughout the day.

nope! couldnt do it any more!

it reached a head when she blatantly stopped talking to me at all. then she unfriended me sometime shortly after. then i hit the fan and sent her emails and confessed my luv for her. then she blocked me.

she had gone from being a nice favorite person to a cold person i could not stand seeing or being around.

well that transformation did not happen overnight. she was being cold for months, but refusing to talk to me kicked it up a notch, to a level i could no longer tolerate, crossed muh boundary in a very aggressive way hahahaha.

but yeah. she has been abandoned by living people too.  and she is pretty good at abandoning living people as well. yet she fixates on the dead you can never bring back.

i guess she is crazy and fooked up! well i figured ALL WOMEN are CRAZY in SOME WAY, its just can you handle it, can you tolerate it. i thought well, i’m just OVERJOYED shes not a huge slut. many women, their crazyness causes them to become huge sluts and ice cold demons.

well she was not a huge slut! and she was very nice to me! woohoo!

but then she became cold as ice and that sucked. still not a slut though.

but at this point she might as well be a huge slut because she has dumped me, removed herself from my life entirely, it is over, and i dont know her any more. this makes me sad as fook and makes her happy. but she can be a huge dirty whore and it doesnt matter any more.

i was not adding value to her life, she was adding shittons of value to my life.

she was worth a lot more to me than i was to her. damn.

of course this is killer to your confidence!

thats why it helps if they can dump you in a nice way. cuz otherwise you do feel rejected Entirely As A Human Being. it is hard for anyone, even harder for neet loser r9k virgin betas like us with low confidence for years!!!!!!

stefan molyneux says stop being a victim! “she seemed like such a nice gurl until one day she turned around and did bal bla bla”. well she did seem like such a nice gurl! she didnt really give huge warning signs!  i was on the lookout! i didnt let her into the Circle of Trust until i had known her for 2 years! and i didnt fall in luv with her till then too!

and i do feel like kind of a victim! i feel blindsided! bamboozled! and we determined that there was nothing i could do that would stop this. i mean i cant CONTROL and dominate people! stefan is also big on win win relationships, that many of us are sadly accustomed to win lose relationships, where its essentially dominance and submission, win and lose, constant anxiety and stress. but we can make them win win by…….. communicating i guess hahahaha. i forget the key how to have win win rels. communication prob is a good thing tho.

anyway people who play the victim take no responsibility for their actions, so they make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

well i take responsibility for my mistake, namely, not communicating sooner and better. i think i have gotten better at the communication in my rels with wimmin. havent gotten many chances though.

the mistake ive been repeating is, i get feelings for women who DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. one sided bullshit EVERY TIME.

but on the other hand, i dont think i can force myself not to like somebody.

i mean theyre not abusive monsters, they might even be nice decent people…..they just dont return my feelings.

but you like who you like. it would be a problem if i liked abusive monster women!

i guess what ive learned is, dont keep the feelings bottled up. even if you work with the person.

woman2012 was interesting because i was much less good of “Friends” with her than w15. i hung out with w12 once every like 4 months. but i was never bitter at her because of “distance.” we were just never really close thats all.

but with w15 i was a LOT closer to her! we hung out a decent amount before i even liked her! we were very friendly with each other! she was sharing secrets! i should have shared more secrets? or should i have? point is, i was MUCH closer and MUCH better friends with her than w12!

so i wonder why didnt i go fookin CRAZY over w12? i mean i really liked her.

i guess i liked w15 EVEN MORE. and i think that was from that closeness.

then she started pulling away. i told her in muh xmas card to her “we have been friends for a while, and i appreciate you more with each year. you are very special to me and i hope we can get even closer in the new year.” which is definitely a kind of signal. then she started backing off. and wanted me to back off.

completely different situation with w12. so i guess i am not repeating the same situation. actually the situations have been damn different. other than me liking women who dont like me.  but they start off friendly to me!

what do you do if you are in luv with a gurl who has NEVER ever been your friend or never ever hangs out with you?

big trouble hhehehe.

it wasnt just that w15 didnt want to hang out with me ever. it’s that in the PAST, she DID hang out with me semi regularly……THEN SHE STOPPED.

we connected once over a decent period of time. as opposed to a gurl youre infatuated with but NEVER EVER connect with, not even once. nope. was not the case here!

i guess if you have feelings for a gurl and want to let her know……just let her damn know. at least for me thats what i learned about my self. some people are satisfied with signals. like yeah, she OBVIOUSLY doesnt like me, otherwise she would be interested in hanging out with me, and wouldnt be in luv with other guys.

yeah i mean shit. its REALLY pathetic to be all in luv with a gurl YOU DONT EVEN EVER HANG OUT WITH. i guess woman2003 was like that. that sucked too. i mean we hung out in a group but i was never cool enough to hang out one on one with her. that sucks!

but with woman2015 i hung out with her one on one more than any other woman! it was like we were damn official friends! because we WERE for a while! thats why this one hurt the most. cuz i lost the most. i came the CLOSEST.

well i keep getting CLOSE i guess thats a good thing. hahahaha.

in the sense that i bring the feelz to the woman and say here it is, take it or leave it, and they leave it hahahaha. as opposed to being a True Orbiter like i was with woman2003.

so yeah i was Actually Close to woman15. hadnt been that close to a woman in years. so of COURSE it hurt when that was taken away suddenly in the meanest way possible!

decent women who grow up in decent families receive guidance from their parents in the nicest way to Reject A Boy. Decadent Sluts just throw people away like garbage.

but i shouldnt take advice from stefan molyneux because hes NOTORIOUS for running a CULT!!!!!!! separate people form their friends and family and take their money! narcissist and in luv with the sound of his own voice! guiding impressionable youth down the wrong path! never having good relationships with anyone ever yet preaching abotu how to have good rels! when he clearly hates women too! and his rel with his wife is not healthy either! he’s abandoned his whole family! he does not have REAL FRIENDS from school or work or life! he only has inner circle donators to his cult and as soon as they disagree with him, he Defoos from them! shuns them! he’s a shunner and an abandoner! he probably Dominates his wife and poor baby daughter! his daughter is gonna be SO fooked up!!!!!

a TERRIBLE role model in other words! dont listen to this guy for LIFE ADVICE!!!!!

i dunno the stuff i hear form him isnt too bad. if he were ever to say something horrible i would just ignore it. but do i agree with him because i am a narcissistic sociopath maniac too????

got muh 8.6 miles in for the day hahaaha. this is how you lose half a pound a week hahahaha.

yeah so i let myself get walked on. i should have stood up for myself. the second shit started bothering i should have said “THIS IS NOT OK. THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW.”

and said i know you are having issues but i cant tolerate being put out in the cold like this. also, i have feelings for you. tell me any thing you wanted to tell me. and if you need to reject my feelings, try to be nice about it.

so yeah this all adds up to her losing ALL respect for me, for me being a Weak Beta. Doormat. then they lose all respect for you and throw you away like garbage. even if you had been friends for 2 years. this is how much women HATE weakness and weak men. heh. its just not worth it pretending to be STRONG all the time hahahaha.

also i think she is attracted to badbois who are gonna dump her. well she was with this guy for 4 years but he was kinda a badboi, much moreso than me!!!! and the next guy was even moreso. i mean he cheated on her!

but she did dump him for cheating on her, rather than continue to desperately run after the badboi. but perhaps she continued to be in luv with him. well why didnt she get back together with him? shit maybe she DID. but i dont think she did.

so she was Emotionally Mature to want to not get back together with a guy who cheated on her. thats good eh. well it still doesnt help me any hahahaha.

i still should have Stood Up for myself though. that was a lesson i should learn.

i didnt Have The Responsibility to save 100% of the Relationship, but i DID have the Responsibility to MYSELF to say I Do Not Think This Is OK. and i was too scared to do that.

that might have not made her Luv Me, but it WOULD have prevented things from being THIS shitty. she would have talked things, maybe, or at least just cut me off right then and there, and i would have had a bit more self respect.

 

BEING TREATED LIKE ANYTHING BUT SH1T IS A LUXURY

google: blaming self for breakup

http://www.abandonment.net/articles/to-survive-a-breakup-12-ways-to-avoid-blaming-yourself

Or they blame the breakup on their neediness.  Now that that they are in abandonment grief, feelings of neediness become overwhelming.  The truth is that we all become needy during heartbreak.  We are needy at other times, too – neediness is part of being human – but it becomes pronounced when we are attempting a new relationship with someone we’re not sure of or when the person we are attached to is no longer fulfilling our basic need to be loved and secure.

When we feel unrequited love – a lack of emotional reciprocity from the other person – we naturally feel insecure. Even the most independent among us can exhibit reactive behaviors that are extreme and can make the other person run for cover.  ”

http://www.abandonment.net/profile-of-an-abandoner

abandonment dot net, awesome hahaha. all quotes copyright susan anderson, my new hero

” Many abandoners also attempt to BLAME you for the break up. It’s because you were too “needy” or “dependent” or “angry,” they might say. Meanwhile, if you have become “needy” or “dependent” or “angry” it is not because you ARE these things, but because you were REACTING to their gradually pulling away. None-the-less, you will beat yourself up for these things anyway. ”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201205/why-you-blame-yourself-bad-relationships-and-how-stop

” But if the accident simply reflected the cold randomness of the universe, that meant something far worse: no planning or foresight could ever prevent bad things from happening to the people I cared about.  Even psychologists have trouble swallowing that pill. So I kicked myself instead. After all, that’s when we all turn to self-blame: at those very moments we can’t accept how helpless we are to control our fate. Beneath self-blame, there’s often a powerful wish for control. 

This is also the key to understanding Tina’s behavior. She really doesn’t believe Ken can change—nor do most people who blame themselves for a bad relationship. If we’re not the problem, then our partner’s surly moods or disinterest can only be altered through their efforts. And the less faith we have—as Tina seemed to—that they can ever make those changes, the more we risk finding fault with ourselves. If our hope for a happy relationship lies in our partners’ hands, and they’re not up to the task, then the situation truly is hopeless. And hopelessness is a far worse pain than self-doubt.

[ufmll: well, this guys got a lot of good points, well memed mah boy. BUT i would offer that sometimes hopeless can be more comforting than self doubt. in the sense of “welp, i accept that the situation is out of my hands, and nothign i could have done could have helped it. it was dead on arrival.” rather than eternally blaming yourself and saying what if. i think over the long term, that would drive you more crazy than hopelessness.]

Tina, for example, focused most of her efforts on changing herself. But for all her frantic attempts to be a better partner, she remained afraid or unwilling to ask more of Ken, terrified that he either didn’t care to—or even worse, couldn’t— change for her. She hid that fear, even from herself, beneath layers of self-blame.

If you’re a self-blamer, like Tina, the way out, of course, is to start considering what other people can do to help you feel better. And you can only do that if you accept that your partner not only can, but should change their hurtful behaviors—not because you’ve tried to do something different (again), but because they care enough about how you feel to do something different themselves (renowned marriage researcher, John Gottman (link is external), calls this “openness to influence (link is external)”).

In other words, the onslaught of self-blame only stops once you realize that your own feelings of disappointment are legitimate enough to be heard. It’s when you finally tell someone you feel hurt or upset by their behavior—and exactly what they can do to help you feel better—that you truly learn whether or not they care enough to change what’s hurting you. And if they don’t care about that, you need to know as soon as possible. Or you could end up stuck in an unhappy relationship, blaming yourself for feeling bad. And that would depress anyone.

copyright/credit  craig malkin or psych today

http://www.7cupsoftea.com/qa-breakups-21/why-do-i-always-blame-myself-for-the-breakup-3311/

http://www.7cupsoftea.com/qa-breakups-21/what-is-the-best-way-to-break-up-with-someone-in-a-healthy-way-396/

http://www.7cupsoftea.com/qa-breakups-21/how-do-you-deal-with-the-temptation-to-contact-your-ex-531/

this 7 cups of tea site is pretty neat. it is about connecting people with Listeners when they jsut need an Objective Person to Listen and not give judgements or advice. i think its a great idea. although i think a little advice is not bad hahahahaha obviously. i like to give Baby Steps advice, like walk 100 miles a day hahahaha. and get a masters of electrical engin degree, and get a nice cute chaste 18 year old gurlfran, and lift 9000000 pound weights.

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-stop-blaming-yourself-for-the-break-up/

yeah buddy.

see i KNOW i did shit wrong, namely, i commuincated poorly and pushed her, even if for “good” reasons/intentions (wanting to communicate abotu problems, talk things out), but was this the be all end all?  isnt the more important reason was she simply didnt have feelings, she wanted to keep things the way they were, i wanted to change them?

i dunno. yeah i pushed her, but yeah she could have treated me at least a little better and spared me a little pain hahahaha.

ok did a 4 miler, took a nice shower, turned out i had not taken a shower in 5 days, that is horrible hahaha.

i thought well my crime was being pushy. her crime is throwing a person away. which is worse.

well she only threw me away because I pushed her.

but is that REALLY an appropriate, proportional response?

my thing was like a 1 on  the badness scale, she was an 11.

i am always thinking of things in terms of Payoffs. so the payoff of me pushing her, for her, was like -1 to her, her throwing me away like garbage was a -10000000 for me!

listened to some of the golden one whilst walking. he seems like a good guy. its funny his derpression video advises getting goals and also getting a gurlfran will give you motivation an energy. i had to laugh because he talked about it like it was so easy. study shit on the internet, learn how to talk and dress and use game on gurls, then you can get a gurl. he admits to liking cuddling. he has kind of a traditional view of “fair maidens” which i like, and discourages degeneracy, so i assume he would not approve of sluts and casual sex and open rels. but i would like to see him do a video on that!

he is all about being “glorious” and being the best you can be, pushing your body to become a golden god, and also reading and learning.

anyway i would say a high number casual sex slut is not worth being a fair maiden!

but this guy could tear me in half like a phone book hahahaha.

i think he would agree, as i say, he is anti-degeneracy and pro-family and probably pro-traditional relationships. which is the way to be. in fact these views are expanding his audience from what he probably originally intended, ie a strictly Weight Lifting audience.

yeah cuddling with that New Dream Gurl WOULD help getting over The Woman 2015. i guarantee it. the NDG might even be worth getting feelings over! i mean i would def like her to sit on muh face hahaha and muh dick and just bang her HARD.

of course same deal with The Woman. i mean this is what brings men and women together!

what did i learn?

to say the words “WE NEED TO TALK” or “I WOULD LIKE TO TALK” and NOT “can we please hang out”. it is my responsibility to say “i want to talk” if talkings what i really want to do.

well so there was an issue i wanted to talk about and i pushed her to talk.

if there were an issue she wanted to talk about, maybe she would have pushed me to talk.

but the issue affected us both! well it affected me more. she was able to ignore it much easier because…….she was not in luv with me…….therefore she would not want to Date me hahahaha.

i do like Affirmations, I am this and I am that. so they should be specific and detailed, but not too long, and should not use negative words like not or no, even if you WANT to NOT do something. also you should say I AM and NOT I WILL or I CAN or something that is in the future. stay on the present.

I DO have SOME social skills. i am not a complete autist. friendless autist r9k robot. i have friends, i have a weekly social event, in the past i have even been friends with WOMEN. if i were a TOTAL hopeless lost cause, i would have never had a female friend ever. and i have had SEVERAL female friends, where we would hang out and talk.

The Golden One says it can be difficult for men and women to be Just Friends if they are hanging out in a one on one setting. as part of a Group, or on the Job, its totally doable though. but he makes the good point that the One On One setting implies a certain degree of intimacy. and i would 100000000% agree.

and me and the woman would hang out one on one. but wasnt it kind of weird that her boifran didnt object? she had said once that he never got jealous. cuz i thought, if i were him, i would not be perfectly fine with her hanging out one on one with other guys and making new guy friends. cuz i am them jealous type hahahaha.

but i think its good jealousy not bad jealousy to get jealous of your long term gurlfran hanging out one on one with their Kewl New Guy Friends.

she maybe did that to MAKE him jealous, cuz i think she WANTED him to get at least a little jealous, to show that he luved her hahahaha. i mean i can totally understand this. shit i am a jealous guy i think my best match/fit would be a somewhat jealous gurl.

because yeah for us Jealous Types, you CHOOSE not to hang out One On One with other men/women as a show of respect and commitment, and you dont WANT to keep your options open because you are happy with what you have. and you dont WANT to have one foot out the door. you WANT to be monogamous, you CHOOSE monogamy with this one person you luv.

how is that so weird and hard to understand?

but yeah point is, isnt her hanging out with ME, when she had a boifran, disrespectful to her boifran, and a WARNING SIGN that she might be a cheater?

well, this one can go both ways, and i dont think she was trying to CHEAT, and she WANTED to make him jealous, as a way of making him luv her more, cuz he was pulling away from her. so it wasnt about showing him disrespect, if anything, she was desperate to make him get closer to her.

like i was desperate to have her stop pulling away from me. so i pushed her to hang out (so we could taaaaaaaaaaalk) which pushed her away further.

but yeah bitches would think i was being unfair and jealous and controlling if i didnt like them hanging out one on one with other dudes. so of course that made them all the more willing to hang out one on one with other dudes, and dump me!

but honestly really the only good healthy positive thing i CAN do is Powerwalk like a bastard, do it 8 to 10 miles a day. like to get it even higher because its GOOD to push yourself physically, plus what im doing now is not helping me lose weight fast enough. i mean shit 1 pound a week would be GREAT. but this .1 or .2 pounds per week? just doesnt seem enough! and i would luv to lose 15-20 pounds!

what has helped my poker game noticeably is PREFLOP RAISING. before i would always limp, meaning i would never raise preflop. this is i guess a really passive way of playing, when i viewed it as simply being cautious and conservative and “tight.” well little did i know about the Tight And Loose vs Aggressive and Passive matrix!

tight and loose has to do with how many hands you play. i will always be kind of tight and thats not bad.

but now i am trying to be a more aggressive in my BETS. meaning, raise preflop if you have a good hand that you as a Tight Player would play! Raise, dont call or check, and this makes it easier to build decent sized pots.

hehehe

oh yeah the golden god also says……ummm he said it was ok for manlets to get Jacked and Juiced and Ripped becuase its all about improving yourself regardless if you were 6 2 like he is, or 5 4 like us manlets hahahahaha.

and he is all about being natural, no steroids and shit like that. i appreciate that hahaha.

but he said…shit cant remember but it was decent advice for anyone. pretty common sense of course.

in many advice articles on “how to break up with somebody” i have seen the common themes of:

treat them with respect

say that it was a good relationship and that the rel itself was meaningful

its ok for them to be upset

but still be nice to them.

listen to them

but be firm, direct, and not on the fence.

because you have given this a good deal of thought right?

do it in person and not email or text.

expect a decent length talk.

expect it to be uncomfortable and awkward, you’re breaking someones heart after all. but its the right thing to have this in person talk, rather than leave them hanging.

anyway yeah its funny, regarding some items near the top of that list, i totally did NOT feel treated with Human Respect, and i did not feel the relationship was given proper respect. so this must be a universal human thing. that when you get dumped, you feel thrown away like garbage, and you feel like the rel meant nothing to that person, so its the responsibility of the dumper to address those specific points. yep i agree it would have helped!

but closure is a luxury. respect is a luxury. being treated like anything but garbage shit is a LUXURY hahahaha.

just waiting for Dinner to Digest before going for another 4 miler hahaha.

oh yeah. if a full dose of nyquil makes you dead the next day, 20 hours to get fully out of your system………..

then take a half dose of nyquil. and hopefully you will be good in 10 hours hahahaha.

but i….ok a 60% dose of nyquil will last 12 hours then.

3.4 miles later

ok i took about a 60% dose; and then went out for a 4 miler. but then it got dark. and i cant powerwalk when its dark hahaaha.

ok what The Golden One said i was trying to remember, was basically using the term “BETA LEFTIST.” leftists are beta, betas are leftist. i think its great how he just comes out and says it. makes the not too difficult connection. but he really drives the connection home by using the term BETA LEFTIST regularly. a good one is the “beta leftist journalist” oh god who doesnt hate them hahaha.

in his no porn

video, he says, next time you want to jerk off to degenerate porn, imagine a beta leftist journalist is watching over you saying “GOOD GOOD” hahahaha. he believes porn is degenerate and beta and pathetic and you should earn the the luxury of getting with a woman and this is not something that should be a spectator sport, and it will take away your Natural Masculine Energy.

i would add to that that it makes a mockery of the natural, healthy male female relationship. degrades it, defiles it, blasphemes it, perverts it.

ok the other more important thing he says, is to ask yourself, “is this WORTHY of me?” while taking a fairly Cocky, Superior view of yourself, even if you have to force it at first. of COURSE disgusting degenerate beta leftist porn is not worthy of a man who aspires to be something greater, and to RISE ABOVE the degeneracy and the filth and the scum and the whores hahahahaha.