for sat april 15

now: sept 6 2016

sept 7 2016


yeah i have been physically not too great, mentally/emo not too great either since coming back from muh “vacation.” hehehehe. when I got back I promptly went to bed for 16 hours. the next day I was still tired and had aches and pains all over the body. i had done some lifting and carrying of stuff but it really didnt seem bad enough to produce such soreness!

also had annoying borderline water faucet colon which i usually only get in the morning after drinking a lot of coffee too fast, but here it lasted all day and that was very annoying. couldnt even enjoy a nice powerwalk without thinking im gonna shart muh pants.

have been getting sharper “carpal tunnel” pains lately. this has been going on for at least a year but the last couple days its been more noticeable. it is honestly probably enough to get me a medical MJ recommendation for “chronic pain”!!!!! not even joking.

was taking pepto bismol which usually helps with the watery #2’s, but didnt seem to help much yesterday. at the end of the day was very tired. not just low energy, but darn exhausted, even though i hadn’t done anything. slept pretty well again but could have slept longer if i hadnt forced self.

yassss got new shoes from zappos, they seem to fit well. i mean my current shoes are just terrible. they are SO worn down, but really all on one side, so the shoes are very lopsided and diagonal and that cant be good for the foot.  i mean i should have upgraded these shoes months ago. i hope i havent done permanent damage hahahaha. basically i am an overpronator and the outside of the shoe gets worn down much much much more.

but yeah i just felt like i was 80 years old hahahaha.

THANK GOD for the new shoes though. this is my typical thing though. wait way too long to replace stuff that should be replaced. or get haircut. or clothes.

honestly cant stop pooping. this is ridiculous.

new shoes feel gr8! that is awesome. very good. THANK GOD. because this is a privilege most people dont have. buying new shoes when they need them.

yeah so i wore the shoes and took a 3.2 mile walk and the shoes were great.

388 days since i sent her the last contact. i figure 400 days is a nice round number. nicer than 365. but a YEAR is a nice round period of time. why arent years 400 days hahahaha.

422 days since i last talked to her, abotu 419 days since i last SAW her.

theres a thought that I should address Muh Egregious Red Flag Employment Gap in muh cover letter. I am open to doing this.





ok. gave this one a try because i liked the cover art hahahaha. wanted to see how the production and songwriting compares to “ashes against the grain.” there seems to be more blasting in a blatant black metal style on Marrow of the spirit, so, I like that. now the SOUND on MOTS is really interesting. I think I like it, it’s definitely provocative so yeah that’s good. the drums sound a little weird and the guitars sound very “warm” and fuzzy. the whole thing sounds rawer and more underproduced than I was expecting, not in a bad way of course.

it sounds like they intentionally tried to make their sound more “raw” or “live” or “organic”, and in theory, I am always in support of this.

heh. finally applied for job. 30k county job. i prefer to apply for the 26k county jobs, but i have gotten interviewed for a 42k county job!

i want to work for you because you have a MF day shift, weekends off, no overtime, 37.5 hour work week, and bennies. so its a good fit for me because i dont handle stress or pressure well hahahahahaha. or customers. thats why i have to be high on xanax all day at work hahahahahaha.

no obviously i don’t actually often USE benzos. i brought 3 valiums with me to our little vacation, and i completely FORGOT about them. sheeeeit. they may have come in handy when i was freaking out because of the MJ! which is the entire reason I brought the valium!!!!!

i am very close to the cusp of focusing hardcore on temp/staffing agencies. recruiters for temp jobs.

because the only people that will “take a chance” on such a RISKY person as me, are the absolutely bottom of the barrel shittiest jobs that will hire ANYONE……or MAYBE jobs where the job contract is limited. temporary. finite. temp. if the person sucks, they will be gone soon.

also if i go a week without an interview, the confidence def goes down. as you get 2 or 3 rejection emails a day hahahaha.

heh. if i got rejected by WOMEN like this, I would have even less confidence hahahaha.

or maybe i just wouldnt care and would bullshit the things i am supposed to bullshit to get women to spread for muh dick hahahahahaha. maybe it would actually be EASIER.

yeah that sounds woman hating, but You Women really DO give it up to easily and don’t have the appropriate RESPECT for SECS, like your biological role in secs. I dont NEED to have as much respect for secs, because men just dump sperm. the costs and risks and responsibilities are much higher for women. RESPECT that.

ok forced my way thru 2 applications. again i am getting discouraged here so i am not applying to “reach” stuff with muh dream orgs unless they are fairly low paying…..and of course these jobs skew towards high paying.

unbelievable. company sending a pdf for me to complete…..but its not an editable pdf. they literally want me to print it out, fill it out by hand, then scan it, then send THAT pdf back. this is a fairly big company where that shit is blatantly embarrassing.

so instead I am converting the pdf to a jpg and trying to edit it in paint. not working so well. with the text boxes and shit.

this is truly a very good album!

it took me basically the whole album just to fill out that shit. using pixlr to add text boxes, rasterize, and draw little circles. unbelievable. they are looking for skills in VISIO and PROJECT which i technically have hahaha yet their goddam Talent Acquisition Team can’t make a pdf editable. absolutely disgraceful. See, I would volunteer my personal time after work to make the pdf editable so they wouldnt have to pay me for that work.

plus i get to show extreme ingenuity and cleverness and problem solving with this pdf to jpg, pixlr, jpg to pdf nonsense, hahahaha. sending them back a pdf that was 8 times larger in size than the one they sent me hahahaha.

because they couldnt do any of this with plain text, saying, answer all of these questions in your reply email. nooooooo that would be too easy.

or god forbid have something in the taleo applicant tracking system THEY ALREADY HAVE AND USE.

but yeah. then they wanted me to explain in the REPLY EMAIL any Gaps in the past 7 years, and also all Reasons For Separation in the past 7 years. I guess I should be glad they didnt ask for 20 years!

but this implies they are gonna read the email……so why demand the shitty, shitty pdf as well?

just to make shit more difficult and weed out the weak.

so I will be PISSED if this doesnt result in an interview.

i added an extra 20 minutes to the spreadsheet for the amount of time it took to apply for this job.

thinking SEARS might be a better place than jcpenneys for me hahahaha.

just looking for t-shirts that have like STRIPES or patterns or some shit, that is not a damn “graphic tee.”

something that is more interesting than just a solid color t shirt, which is what i usually wear, but that is kinda boring!

interesting. what gets me most worked about That Woman is not really thoughts of her spending time and being nice to other men, and loving them and cuddling with them, but really the more x rated stuff, like her sucking dick, fooking her, her sitting on their face and them licking her asshole, hahahahahahahaha. banging her from behind, banging her from the front, tongue in the mouth, her sighing and breathing heavy and getting juice all over. that real porno stuff, which isnt even all porno stuff, but actual real life secs stuff. that is what gets me angery.

that is the sort of stuff that gets me all hot and bothered!

anyway of course i should not be thinking about it at all.

but yeah i have no interest in other women. occasionally i will see a young qt i want to bang but not super often. and i would STILL want to bang HER moar!!!!!!

stupid shit really.

basically i cant ever imagine WANTING another woman as much as her, and also that i will never STOP wanting her!

i mean yeah it has gotten better. and yeah i DID eventually stop wanting those other women. it just took like 2 years hahahaha. and it hasnt been 2 years with this woman yet.

just no interest in women other than to maybe opportunistically bang unmarriageable sluts. great. and never fully exorcise the memory of HER. because I always got along with HER best, we had the most special best connection.

yeah well if it was so good, how come she couldnt even send me a damn text message and just say awwwww im sorry ok now im blocking you sorry.

or have her family or our mutual friend send that message to me for her.

but yeah that connection! even if it was just for me. how am I ever gonna feel that way about someone else ever again? and that is what I WANT to feel for muh wife, the mother of muh children!

yeah it def was the worst heartbreak.

the OBVIOUS ANSWER to how do i forget about HER is……….MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME where I NEED to MEET NEW WOMEN!!!!!!!!

of coursh I have never ever really liked meeting new people. it is not fun. men or women.

some people, normies and chads, actually LIKE meeting new people and think its FUN.

i have no interest in meeting people unless its a young woman and they are qt and seem NICE.

how hard is it to be nice? not very, but many people seem to think so.

hearing about this guys GF who is like 19 years old and NOBODY likes her. she has “no personality”.

i thought, so what if she has “no personality,” That Woman didn’t have much of a personality, usually if a woman has a strong personality, that means she’s bitchy and obnoxious. no thank you. just have a not-strong personality and be nice. be pleasant. i’m thinking this young girl is both no personality AND not really nice or pleasant either. jeeeez. how unpleasant do you have to be as a 19 year old gurl to have nobody like you??!?!?!?! also I have heard she is not terribly good looking either.

meanwhile i found, once upon a time, a nice, qt, woman that everybody liked because she was NICE and had a GOOD personality.

with men its harder. you have to have an ACTUAL personality, and NOT Just Be Nice. i guess I cant be mad about that, thats just nature.

dramatic breakup story, he cant get over ex, who blocked him, but they had their problems, also she talked to him a lot more and prob would have been willing to give him some closure

spet 9

well i have learned from /r/relships/ that women indeed have some agency and are not to be regarded as total BABIES.

(every single attractive young woman on linkedin is a GOD DAMN RECRUITER.)

anyway, not to get off on a tangent, basically, the leftist scum of reddit insists that women are not powerless infants and indeed they DO have some responsibilities. well of COURSE they would think that tho! they like powerful independent wimmin!

but yeah you hear stories where women actually do stuff, put in an effort, or in some cases, stalk the guy, or get needy or clingy, texting the guy, getting jealous, getting heartbroken. i guess its nice to know that women are CAPABLE of this!

or just basically that they are willing to talk to you when they are dumping you and to say sorry and to be conscious that them dumping you is gonna hurt you and they are making some token effort to mitigate some of that hurt!

also the idea that the solution is pretty obvious (dump that b and run away!!!!) and the Bad Guy is pretty obvious.

i just hate being the Bad Guy because I couldnt understand Space.

but i dont think it was that simple either. i think any mature person would say SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO AVOID DEALING WITH THE SITUATION. SPACE ISNT AN EXCUSE TO NEVER COMMUNICATE.

i think i already made that a post title. or something very close to it hahahaha.

so basically when a woman has secs quickly, she is saying “MY VALUES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.”  so maybe its a stage. but why should the stage be like 10 years long or 15 years or whatever? thats a pretty long stage. too long for me.

ok applied for us army job. they have a big facility which employs a lot of people in the area with damn good 35k jobs like this one.

an open relationship will NEVER work if BOTH people dont agree about wanting it. period. it HAS to be completely mutual and UNANIMOUS.

of course at least 80% of Breakups are not unanimous, but they dont need to be. it would be nice if they were!


welp at 399 jobs now, should prob make the big 400th a good one. i think we decided not too long ago to make 500 the new goal.

i mean i have a hard time with jobs. bullshitting my way and figuring out what to do in tough confusing situations. figuring out how to do and handle my job. figuring out how to fix problems and what to say to frustrated customers who are counting on me to fix their problem…….and i really dont know what im doing. i feel incompetent because I AM incompetent and its inherently stressful to try to serve people when you ARE incompetent. because you ABSOLUTELY do not feel free to make mistakes or fail, because someone is basically gonna insult your intelligence.

in school it was ok to make mistakes, because only your grade suffered, and only a little bit, and you could always ask questions without being bitched at and treated like someone who should be fired.

how did that woman do it? oh yeah she just went with the flow. great advice, you horrible person hahahahahaha.

fookin captain obvious. fookin captain obviously easier said than done. jeeeeeez.

also reading /r/rels you see how FLAKY women are. they will just give up on you for the stupidest shittiest reasons and there is nothing you can do about it. because you have to respect their wishes that they dont care about you any more and dont want to do anything to work on things.

where do you go for nondegenerate dating advice? actually /r/rels is pretty good…..BUT they are degen on things like open rels, or being a SLUT. i guess I am just happy that they view Cheating as a Bad Thing. but yeah they dont view having a Super Promiscuous Slut Past as being a bad thing. when it totally is.

and i dont want to go to a christian thing, again. because I want YOU to understand why being a slut is wrong, not just because of muh good book or muh jeebus. which are all great things mind you, but it honestly seems………MORALLY LAZY!!!!!! to have muh jeebus be your answer to all moral questions.

but i dont like atheists. but do i like a devout blind faith type person better than an atheist? probably.

ideal would be a person like me: someone who wants to have faith but is just filled with tons of doubt.

and a woman who just thinks casual sex is GROSS or SLUTTY, and SLUTTY is BAD. I dont wanna be an icky gross SLUT. SLUTS ARE GROSS, she says. I would never want to be gross like that.

and she said that! she had an appropriate sense of DISGUST and DISDAIN 4 SLUTS!!!!

if i even have to mansplain it…….that stuffing a guys dick in your mouf and babymaker, who you dont even know this guy, you just met him a few days ago…if i have to mansplain why that is disgusting, then you are too far gone.

and 90% of women are too far gone hahahahahaha.

might have a little nyquil today, go for walk after, go to bed early.

called this auto service place for recall notice and actually got scheduled to get that fixed. so that was an accomplishment hahaha.

heh. you know how some people “break up” but theyre not really “borken up” because they are still hanging out, fooking, texting hahahaha. sometimes even the gurl initiates, decides she doesnt want to be totally done with the guy, and presents herself to be fooked. can’t say that happened to me hahahaha.

basically, if she had ANY desire to talk to me……..SHE WOULD HAVE.


but its easy to think they aren’t, when you have a case where the woman does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you think, are ALL women like that? I HOPE not all women are like that!!!!!!!! but i dont know enough women to tell. so then its GOOD to read these stories and anecdotes.

AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I have just gone from a floundering seal to a baby seal on SwC poker hahahahaha. this is a YUGE deal, its taken me like 2 years to get to this point.






anyway. if someone is hurting you, you have to tell them, especially if they are not aware they are hurting you, or dont intend to hurt you. like if some selfish person refuses to hangout with you, you have to let them know it hruts you. but i dont MEAN to hurt you they will retort.

doesnt matter, the shit you do still hurts me, and if you are serious about not hurting me, uhh take that into account and change your behavior if you really care about me bitch hahahahaha.

so i was too nice to her really hahahah. she was DONE MONTHS ago, but i naively hoped the distance was just temporary.

i should have been reading muh GAME hahahaha.

working on several other women at the same time so i didnt get ONEITIS, which i did.

putting the pussy on a pedestal!

you can see i am being facetious.

i dont think its inappropriate to get feelings for someone after you have gotten to know them for 2 years; or also for men to think you have feelings for you when you have Secs with them.

of course that second one is super naive in this age, because women have secs and THEN get to know you (if ever!) and only many months later do feelings develop, if ever, and probably not, because she flakes out or you do one thing wrong.

call me crazy old fahsioned, but this is why i beleive that women should NOT have secs with men RIGHT AWAY, but WAIT until they REALLY KNOW AND LIKE them, which will take several months! 6 months maybe!

i forgot about go ask alice, one of muh fave advice sites, even though they are marxist and degenerate and encourage women to be sluts and break mens hearts because all men are rapists or niceguy scum woman haters hahahaha.

Don’t emotionally exhaust yourself by continually reaching out. It sounds like you’ve done your part apologizing and attempting to communicate, but without his cooperation, the friendship may have run its course.

well some b is cutting herself or some gay guy because their male friend is giving them silent treatment. yeah i sorta agree, i mean youve done all you can, ball is in their court, your work here is done. now alice says “they might still care” but uhhhh kinda hard to tell if they refuse to communicate with you at all ever.

anyway despite how sex positive alice is, they still are good about emphasizing communication, and how important clear effective commuincation is. i would agree 100000%, communication is very important. not shitty communcation where you beat around the bush and never communcate about the elephant.

and if they say

i dont want to talk about it,

then you just have to say OK like eeyore and say youve done all you can????!?!?!?!


trust, commincation, and respect. how the fook can you have ANY of those things with a WOMAN, let alone all THREE? hahahaha.

heh. i used to have all three with her and it hurts to lose a special person like that. well, the communication could have been a little better. then it just got worse and worse!

but yeah its a big damn deal, it was quite simply and honestly, the closest and most important Relationship i had had with a woman in years, since i had some female friends in 2005 and 06. then we drifted apart because of distance and i didnt really get close to any women until her, from 2012-2015.


they are like SEX ANIMALS. sex is the only way they can understand anything, the only way they can have feelings, its the Deepest Thing for them.  they think it is more important than Communication, Trust, or Respect for building an intimate relationship. or a non intimate relationship!

its just amazing she can be in a long term rel and be so shitty at communicating. well she just was shitty at communicating with ME. i wish she had not been! come on! she had much less to lose with me! why NOT talk to me! because it was too overwhelming and too much work for too little reward?

i should thank her for finding ENDING THIS CHARADE and DISABUSING ME OF THE DELUSION!

well, she could have done that a lot earlier, 10 months earlier to be exact. if anythign she kept the shit going too long by giving me some mixed signals amidst it all that made me think this was all temporary.

also she would either have to communicate to End It All……OR not communicate at all, which of course is what she ended up doing. but she could have done THAT 10 months earlier is what im saying.

so im not gonna thank her for SHIT is why im saying hahahaha. but i am starting to appreciate that it will be good to have her out of my life as someone that will waste my time, and not be able to commuincate or trust or respect. then what fooking good is she really? apart from some FANTASY i can fantasize about, but everything she is in real life is annoying and infuriating and hurtful and heartbreaking? no thank you! take it back! pack your shit and leave! gtfo my life! you add no value! you bring only pain and nothing good!

if anything my communication skills are really GOOD, IF i can feel free to Speak Freely and not hide or avoid shit. but with someone i trust, i can articulate my thoughts and feelings really well. but if its some bitch i am trying to stop from leaving me, then i get emotionally compromised and start commuincating more unclearly. and sometimes they dont even LET you communicate with them hahahahaha like what happened here.

this is why it can be helpful to write emails, when then person is not right there in front of you. that can just make you more emotional and more likely to Bargain Desperately, and do something Desperate or Stupid, rather than communicate honestly or freely.

like when i would say yeah we can date other people ABSOLUTELY, when i really didnt want that, i would just do ANYTHIGN to APPEASE them and keep them around in ANY capacity.

hilariously enough, they just left me anyway, wouldnt even let me SHARE them with other people, they did not want me among the 10 other people they were fooking at that time hahahha. fooking bitches and whores.

a man who uses those words is an abuser. well i respond, that a woman who acts like THAT deserves to be called those words! dont be a bitch and hateful abusive men like moi wont call you a bitch!


look at all the people on go ask alice who are having secs for years and in ltr’s, and they have the MOST OBVIOUS problems that culd be solved with just a little communication, but they obviously dont have that. yet they still have secs and have been dating for at least a year. so how did they get to that point? with no damn communication in the relationship?

i dunno. maybe they did have some communication for a while, but then it broke down.

oh well first sign of problems, better bail out and find a better replacement! its never worth it to try to fix problems!

hehehe or at least when it came to trying to fix problems in a rel with a Repulsive Horrible Person such as myself, they always would rather just bail out hahahahah. nothing worth saving here!

so that is not helpful for the old self esteem hahahaha.

see the difference between me and women is that when i get feelings for a woman, i dont suddenly want to stop communicating with them. to the contrary, i want to talk about how the relationship may have to change. rather than running away and taking dicks and pretending nothing ever existed.

nope just bury your head in the sand and take dicks.

so yeah i will be angry at her for hurting me for a while. i know they say you are supposed to forgive them. i really dont know if you need to. i mean, if they hurt you, and you are never gonna see them again, and you know you are over them after a few years, who CARES if you FORGIVE them. like shit i wont forgive woman3, even though i am well over her, because it really doesnt do me any good to forgive her, i mean she is a dead part of my past, it just doesnt matter if i forgive her. fine i forgive her. big fookin deal. it doesnt mean anything, im just saying the words “i forgive you” i really cant feel ANYTHING toward her now but i am sure i would still fook her if she looked good. i mean i havent seen her in 10 years and i never think abotu her! just an example.

yeah i am def getting over it a bit but i am still not happy. i am angry at her for being so god damn stupid. it didnt have to be this way!!!!!!!! but noooooo she was so stubborn against communicating and acting like a god damn adult. had to act like a fooking 5 year old. just absolutely had to. couldnt even act like an 18 year old! even though she is way older than that. just ridiculous. god damn. be a little bit cooler than that. she didnt need to be THAT disappointing! its ok to be a LITTLE disappointing, but this was just too extreme.

anyway life is not fair so get used to it!

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. NAMELY, the Breakdown In Communication which started even BEFORE that 10 month period i was feeling for her. it prbably started a few months BEFORE that when i was afraid to directly address the topics of her old boifran and her new boifran. i mean she could have addressed the topics too but so could have it. i guess the blame there was 50 50. although in the end it was still 66 33 hahahaha.

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. well kind of. i didnt think those communication problems could grow so much. well it really wouldnt have MATTERED if it didnt get feelings. it was possible our Friendship was At A Dead Standstill??? i dont think so…. i mean it was moving slowly, my feelings came on slowly.

well at any rate, my feelings DID increase the communication problems, or made these problems all the more Pressing and Urgent and Timely.

i had much more of an interest in resolving the commuincation problems; she honestly did not. PLUS she probably knew i had feelings and that turned her off even more.

MAYBE we could have resolved the comm probs if i didnt have feelings. then i just wouldnt care so much either!

but thats what feelings are, its CARING about someone a lot.

anyway i dont blame her for not having feelings. i just blame her for handling the communication HORRIBLY.

i didnt handle it perfectly but she handled it worse. 66 33.

75 25 hahahaha.

but yeah i will get over it, i wont even contact her. i might never get on facebook again hahaha.

anyway right now i have NO CONFIDENCE in doing jobs. like i cant do jobs and shit. nothing. i could never be a Server in a Restaurant for example. i just cant JUGGLE that much shit. just watching them makes me anxious! i would have to take valium every single day!

the merona pants at target look very nice. they cost $25, this is kinda expensive, but if you make 25DAH at your Job, you should be able to handle it.

Merona® Men’s Ultimate Flat Front Pants

are what i am talking about.

okay i did a 3.1 miler by walking around an extra block to add to my usual 2.8 cuz i wanted at least a solid 3.0.

but yeah none of this is good for the confidence. and i am angry at her because she could have been a little NICER and not taken away so much confidence.

so i guess my confidence was at a RELATIVE “high” before all this shit started. i certainly didnt like muh job but i did ok at it, things were smooth and undramatic with female “friend” etc.

so yeah it was very worthwhile for me to communicate with her. very worthwhile. there was nothing but benefit. it would give me some sense of resolution.

there was NO worth, no value, no benefit to her to communicate, so therefore, she didnt. very simple. she didnt do it because there was no incentive to her. she knew it would be an awkward and difficult convo. she had an idea that i had feels for her. she didnt WANT to talk about it. she didnt WANT me to have feels for her because she didnt have any for me, she didnt want to TALK about it. she didnt NEED to talk about it.  she didnt think i would have such a damn hardon for Closure and Resolution and Direct Unambiguous Verbal Communication. maybe i do need more of that than the average normalfag.

yeah well these were pretty strong feelings. it just wasnt some Schoolboy Crush!

well part of it was exacerbated by the job itself. i mean i was nervous just to come in and do the job even if she wasnt there. well it was better when she wasnt, i mean for a while there i was working one day where she was off, that was better than having to see her. but it was still a ridic job.

if it were an easy job, maybe it would be different. maybe the ridiculousness of the job caused me to be more dramatic to her.  but my desire to communicate with her was still VALID. thats what you do when you have feelings for somebody. you tell them or show them.

i think my signal sending was good enough so that she Had An Idea what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk because i was the one with the feelings. she didnt want to talk because she didnt have feelings. if she had feelings, she would have wanted to talk, just like she did when she DID have feelings for the guy. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. HER AND ONLY HER hahahaha. think about the other person for a change. selfish as hell hahahaha.

i am a much better communicator than her hahaha. well she doesnt need to be cuz shes a woman hahahaha all she needs is a cvnt and uterus.  i aint mad abotu THAT, thats just how HUMANS are. its the same reason i prefer 20 year old women to 40 year old women, as do all men.

shit i just wish i was young again and could drink and go to parties with young gurls hahaha.

but i forget that i was young, did go to parties with young gurls, and get drunk, and that still didnt help me seduce the gurls!

also i am butthurt because i did not start going to parties until about halfway through My Youth. i wanted to be going to parties my WHOLE youth hahahaha.  wawawawawawaw.  instead i was drinking by myself or with other guys and basically NEVER LEARNED how to talk to gurlz.

so it did build confidence to have an actual female friend i could talk to, without nervousness, and actually get to know them.

well if a big part of getting over heartbreak is just to stand there in the middle of the deluge and Take The Pain beating you down, well i have def done that! in fact i might be nearing the end of that. and now i will be more pessimistic about women in general (if that were even possible!!) and worrying about jobs and also worrying about being alone forever, since when am i ever gonna find someone i LIKE again.

but i would also take a cute young fucc buddie gurl that i could bang with no feelings and i wouldnt care about her that i had no respect for her. that doesnt make me a hypocrite because i cant get preggers hahahaha i can do whatever i want because theres really no way i can defile My Biological Role as a Dumper Of Sperm, i mean thats pretty Degraded as it is, as opposed to the Holy Of Holies where Sperm Slowly Grows into a Beautiful Babby. that is a beautiful thing and therefore CAN BE defiled. and by god many/most women DO defile it!

bitches and whores!

but yeah it sucks to have something good and then it is gone forever. even if she didnt like me we still had a decent friendship before everything went wrong, and i valued that friendship, it was very important to me, and it sucks to lose it, and in such a bad hurtful way. of COURSE things HAVE to change when one person gets feelings, but you can deal with it better so that things dont end THIS badly.

its ok to put “personal reasons” for “reason for leaving.”

maybe try to put “personal reasons, good standing with employer, rehirable”

Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

With 7% of respondents to the CareerBuilder survey saying they had to leave a job after a breakup, you’ll be glad you did some critical thinking before jumping into any new relationship with a colleague.

has a lot of links in it believe it or not!

heh there is lots of stuff on communicating with them about ground rules and such. well what if they dont WANT to communicate with you hahahaha.

well i am sure if i stuck around longer we might eventually communicate, be like ok this is stupid, obviously you dont like me, but we cant go on WORKING this way!!!! and maybe figured something out. or maybe not.

i notice none of these articles mention anything like being so distraught you cant even do your job!!!! and all of these people seemed to have easy jobs hahaha.

google “working with your ex” to bring up some good results

this one says 6 month rule to get over your “ex”

also in this one, the “exes” are contacting each other almost trying to get back with each other, and you are supposed to kindly but firmly say NO! i am no longer your emotional support system!

but what if you WANT THEM BACK and they come back?

i assume the article assumes that both people agreed on the breakup?

dont know what thats like, i thought you always get dumped and then you want the “ex” to reconsider, come back to you, get your ex hahahaha.

food that shit.

but yeah communication is important in working with the “ex”. no shit. communication is very important when dealing with anybody really, but especially a would be lover. it would be nice if the women recognized that fact instead of bailing out immediately. hahahah they are worse quitters than i am. they quit relationships like i quit jobs hahahaha.



yeah definitely the tea is a lot better on muh stomach than the coffee.

what if she came back to me 2 years from now and had a bastard kid in tow where the father did not pay child support at all? and she looked older and more haggard?

well maybe i would make her my fook buddy but i probably couldnt respect her enough to fall in luv with her.

OR would i rekindle the old feelings. probably hahahahaha. i can ALWAYS rekindle old feelings. i never had a woman come back like that! well woman2 came back after like a few MONTHS to apologize to me, which i appreciated a lot! but nothing like they came BACK 2 years later and wanted to fook!

i saw woman2012 like 6 months later and talked to her for a few minutes, kept it together, but i was NOT happy about it, and also she was NOT changing her mind! i have never experienced a woman changing their mind about that, like yes yes yes yes i was wrong i really want to date you now! oh i wanted them to! i fantasized abotu it! but it never happened.

course i never thought i could fall in love after a long time, with a platonic friend!

course i thought i would never luv a slut again!

when is a lesson not a lesson?

i think its a lesson to not luv sluts. it’s NOT ANOTHER lesson to go back after that and “learn how to luv sluts again”. not an actual lesson. because luving sluts will burn you EVERY TIME.

theres no actual scientific advice on how do you get over someone. i dont want bullshit fake advice from Female Journalists who are mostly crazy super high mileage sociopathic sluts. they are either eating men or getting eaten by men. very adversarial relationships. incapable of a healthy rel. and youre gonna take advice from THEM. NO.

i want the type of scientific advice given by a damn MEDICAL DOCTOR. not some psychologist who believes nothing is right or wrong. but somebody who believes in TRUTH. not somebody who believes truth is always relative and is an Oppressive Myth.

TRUTH IS AN OPPRESSIVE MYTH, these people say, who break hearts and throw people away like garbage. hmmmm. they are monstrous. dont listen to them.

is that an ad hominem fallacy? dont believe what they say because they are horrible people? because horrible people cant make even one valid argument?


there is this tv show “the carbonaro effect” where a charming young magician does ridiculous magic tricks to prank random people. the real Teaching Moment comes in the RIDICULOUS LINE OF BULLSHIT that he is constantly spewing. i may have mentioned this before, but his Art Of Bullshit is top notch. he can fool grizzled cynics with his bullshit. and he could most certainly get Nonsluts into Bed. notice some PUA types also encourage doing Magic Tricks to impress bitches. because they are very susceptible to Clever Tricks.

Well, My six month rule is IMPREGNABLE to Clever Tricks, because it takes no cleverness whatsoever to know whether youve known a guy for 6 months! even THE DUMBEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD is able to EASILY figure out whether its been six months or not.

(my ideal woman would wait 1 year. 6 months represents a disappointing concession for me.)

but i recommend watching him because his bullshit is AMAZING. and any man could benefit from that.

not just in banging sluts, but in handling all sorts of social situations. he’s never banging sluts. he might even be GAY. he talks to men 50% of the time and they fall for his bullshit too! but if he were straight i am sure he gets his FILL of tail.

heh. i wish i had ANOTHER female friend to talk to about stupid women bullshit.

well in 2005 when i had all this drama with women, i had female friends i could talk to. it sounds shitty to say they didnt help at all. they helped a little! but im not certain they helped a LOT though. they did the best they could though. i aint hatin.

you think a Career Education Center opening in The Urban Ghetto is gonna make a difference? i just dont have that IDEALISM. I guess if they help even ONE PERSON turn their life around, then it’s made a difference right?

well i would like to see them help MORE than ONE person. cuz it takes like at least 200 grand a year to run a place like that. lemme see their budget. lot of OVERHEAD in an operation like that.

I will meet with you one on one for 8 bucks an hour! or 50 bucks an 8 hour day hahahaha

did i write about the Life Coaches that Elliott Rodger had near the end of his life? they were young attractive people employed by like counseling agencies or shrinks, to go out with Rodger and help him socialize, talk to him, boost up his Social Confidence, etc.

i thought that would be a SWEET job for me to have, then i wondered if you had to have a masters degree to do it. it sounded like the people he worked with were College Age, ie, pre-bachelors. but maybe you have to be a social normalfag in order to do such a job.

well i would address that elephant right away: you might prefer to hire normalfags, but i say its just as valuable to have someone whos BEEN there. actually knows the pain these loveless virgins are feeling.

look up life coach on indeed. see a “life skills specialist II” that just needs a bachelors degree.

i am looking for job titles and quals basically.

life skills coach, peer recovery coach, recovery coach, success coach, health coach, transformation coach, wellness coach, nutrition coach, group home worker, development coach, job coach.

part time life skills coach, 16 hours a week, 10.50 DAH. yep hahahahaha and only 30 miles away! well, 28.

anyway i believe that its not a matter of educating people so they know how to interview to get jobs……..its the SUPPLY of jobs in the first place. the better solution is NOT educating people, but CREATING JOBS.

i think the only types of jobs where there is a SURPLUS of JOBS, is like SUPER technical STEM shit, where you need like a STEM Masters degree at LEAST. like a masters of mechanical engineering, not a masters of biology. protip: biology is not STEM.

but i wouldnt judge you if you thought it was! when i first learned that biology was not STEM, i was SHOCKED!

i mean TECHNICALLY it is, but in terms of jobs, its not.

hiring a coach to mentor and coach less senior team members. see my company would do that only hire people who KNEW LESS than the less senior team members, to coach them.

hire a TEACHER to teach students, who knows LESS than the students. this is what people get ACTUAL, REAL jobs for.


good god almighty, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

i will never understand why companies will hire Outside people for Senior Positions rather than promoting from within. that is IMHO an ADMISSION OF GUILT. that is admitting “YES I ADMIT OUR COMPANY (CULTURE) IS SHIT.”

yep it took me over 30 years to recognize that my anxiety is a pretty big deal, i used to think Depression was my main problem, but Anxiety is up there, way up there, its either 50 50 or 55 45.

which means that when you are not anxious, you are hopeless and have no confidence.

i think of my “relative high”, like say july 2014, before i fell in luv with female former friend, was doing my job. i wasn’t SUPER confident or charming or fun or awesome. i was still anxious abotu my job every day. i still had very low confidence. things still kinda sucked and i had no energy. now they just suck a lot more!

welp second walkjog, got up to 6 miles today. not bad. actually about 6.1 or 6.2 hahahaha.

ok heres the questions you need to learn, that I need to learn.

  1. whats the deal with your secret boyfriend? (do you have a boyfriend)
  2. how do you feel about me?
  3. i dont have feelings for you right now, but given our situation, i could probably have feelings for you in a few months. lets have this discussion every three months. or i will let you know as soon as i get feelings. and you let me know as soon as you get feelings.
  4. can we talk soon, i would prefer to hang out and talk one on one in person, but i have to talk about something important soon with you, and will do it on phone or email if we cannot me. WE NEED TO TALK. SOON. ITS IMPORDENT.


ok start with hookers, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker sluts, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker nonsluts. decent women.

normal men just start off with nonhooker sluts when they are teenagers. they dont ever really NEED hookers until they are 40 years old and want to cheat on their fat hambeast wives with some fast young tail and are more than happy to pay for the convenience.

>tfw approaching 40 and no fat hambeast wife to cheat on hahahahaha

heh. it is funny that something can mean SO MUCH TO YOU, and that same moment means nothing to the person “sharing” it with you. SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR.

good old one sided luv. when gurls have one sided luv for a guy tho at least the guy gets some SECS out of it and it lasts longer, than when the guy has one sided luv for a gurl. then theres not even any making out.

hehe. all the damn advice columns say, welp, if doing this doesnt help, then go see a shrink. so what do the shrinks do then? nothing mysterious. they have you TALK about it and they try to have to do more or less the same things the article says, and have you try to retrain your thinking.

shit i have been seeing a shrink since…..2008 and i cant say its helped a LOT. it doesnt HURT though.

really the main things that would help me is a just a tolerable 15DAHJ and a 1 year monog rel with a decent woman. especially the latter!

always the sense that i COULD HAVE made this work, if i hadnt screwed one thing up. so where was the one pivotal thing that i screwed up?

its hard to get out of that. and to accept that theres NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE to make it work because she didnt HAVE the feelings. or if she did, she didnt have them any MORE.

its just july2014 that will haunt me, which was Peak Niceness from her to me, where i really got a signal from her. but i wasnt sure if it was like liking, or just friendliness. she always was really friendly to me. until i started liking her, then she pulled away from me like the plague.

are rels supposed to be be god damn pulling teeth every step of the way? i thought they were supposed to start somewhat naturally and easily. like our friendship did. then when we ran into problems i wanted to fight to fix it, she would rather walk away. damn son. i said lets communicate with each other about this, lets not be angry at each other, she said nothing and walked away. damn. the last woman i will ever luv hahahahaha.

and that is how i became one of those lonely 45 year old bachelors.

now that i think of it, before i met gurls and started falling in luv with them, i knew NO gurls and just felt alone and lonely.

part of this is due to not having a real connection with male friends. so i could strengthen those.

but yeah. women never have trouble finding a man. men very often have trouble finding women. then your married friends say O I KNOW THIS GREAT GURL 4 U and set you up on a blind date with a 40 year old single mom hambeast whos also cray cray, degenerate, and just godawful in every way. and you think, THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME?????!?!?!?!?!?! im super dupe desperate but not even the worlds most desperate man could ever be THIS desperate!!!!!!!


aug 19

yeah i determined that by sending that email, what im really trying to do, even if im not fully aware of it, is to beg for my fantasy to come true, beg her to luv me. yeah getting “GOOD” closure and good karma would be ok, but i want more than that. of COURSE i still want to be with her. i really have NOT fully accepted that its OVER, even though i said that in the email.

well i wasnt lying per se, this is more Bargaining.

i hate to harp on the stages of grief but its a  good starting off point. for me i experience denial, anger, bargaining, and depression ALL AT ONCE, all mixed in together, perhaps a diff feel every day, rather than stages of each. there were tidbits of each expressed in the email. i accept that its over? denial. anger: i was angry at you for ending it in such a bad shitty way. very true. no lie! bargaining: begging her to remember our special connection, appealing to that emotion, we connected so well. maybe but its over now. and i dont want it to be over. depression: i am at rock bottom, my confidence is gone, i feel incapable of doing anything, i cant move, i cant get out of bed, my mind doesnt work, i have a learning disability, everything is CONFUSING and OVERWHELMING.

so yeah as far as im concerned, acceptance isnt even a phase, its the END, once you get to acceptance, you are GOLDEN. acceptance is the goal. i would LOVE to have “fully accepted” that its over. if i did, i wouldnt even be sending the email.

so that was the LESSON LEARNED from sending the email, and i pretty much HAD to send it to learn it. so thats the benefit. but this should prob be the last email.

i was sort of manipulating by pulling the heartstrings about our connection, two peas in a pod, we understood each other and trusted each other bla bla. yeah its true! in my fantasy at least hahaha. no it WAS true and thats what makes it so hard: when you do have something good, and then that something good dies, passes away, is lost forever, and you wish you could have it back, but you never can. fook YEAH thats HARD TO ACCEPT and you will desperately beg to have it back!

so yeah dont send any more emails because i can say i accept that its over, but deep down thats the root purpose of these emails: to beg for her to change her mind.

i did not realize that 3 weeks ago, i started to realize that yesterday. i am making baby steps of progress lol.

yesterday i took a Benadryl to help me sleep and it actually worked fairly well. more importantly it got my mind off of HER a little bit and gave my mind a bit more normalcy than its had in a while. i suppose valium would do something similar but i want to hoard my 100 valiums for job related bullshit in the future hahahaha. and benadryl you dont need an rx.

i thought yeah but why take drugs to erase your mind? wont it just come back harder when the drugs wear off? like drinking? you only temporarily escape/forget, then feel EVEN WORSE when you’re no longer high?

then i rationalized, well, i’m ALREADY AT ROCK BOTTOM, so ANY relief is a plus.

besides benadryl is not as bad as alcohol.

i slept a little bit better with the benadryl. but i still had trouble getting up at a “proper” time. took it at 9pm then barely dragged myself out of bed at 10:20 am. hehe. ideally you would take it at least 14 hours before you want to get up. if i were still working, i would recommend taking the benadryl or sleeping pill one hour BEFORE YOU LEAVE hahahaha. cuz it will take at least one hour to kick in and then will make you feel sleepy forever.

but better to feel sleepy than having your mind haunted by a waking nightmare; or to be nervous or anxious!!!!

better to halfass your work and go through the motions because you are sleepy and grumpy, not because you are so anxious you feel like youre going to break down and cry, or jump out of your skin!

i actually got a few minutes of productive thought, like ways i could talk in an interview about the skills i learned from my job:

that i changed a weakness to a strength in learning how to communicate well under pressure.

that i was able to learn how to deal with intense Confusion and Ambiguity and Uncertainty and Complexity where there are No Easy Answers Ever and everything is COnfusing All The Time. and you ask 10 different so called experts and get 10 different answers. and its essentially your job to figure out how your company and its technology works…..but no one’s really 100% certain how it works, even the higher ups who have been there for years. when you have systems that are so complex and deep, it takes YEARS to even scratch the surface, and no one person knows everything, and it takes a long time for you to even know Who Might Possibly know something about a particular issue because you dont even know what kind of Teams your company has, and you ask 10 different people, and get 10 different answers, all while the person with the problem is waiting on hold.

where you know LESS about the problem than the person with the problem calling you!

it’s very much like if someone called 911 and said help my friend is drowning! and you don’t know what drowning is, you don’t know what water is, you dont know what breathing is, you dont know what 911 is, you dont know what death is, you dont know how to swim, you dont know not how to swim, you dont know cpr, you dont know what a person is, you dont know how a person drowns, you dont know how long a person can not breathe, you dont know who could fix it, you dont know what an ambulance is, you dont know what EMS is, and yet you are the first person called to save the life of a drowning person.

not even joking. but of course we all know those basic things, but when you are put into a situation where everybody is talking about weird programs and systems and procedures and protocols, you literally do NOT know what ANYTHING is.

you dont know how to fix the program! you’ve never USED the program. you dont know how its supposed to work!

better yet, when higher ups call YOU and forget very basic iron clad facts, and insist you should be able to do something, but they just are clueless about very basic things about their job, and they’ve been there longer than you, and should know, but don’t. and you have to tell them they should know, we don’t know, talk to your manager, oh i already did and he said to call you.

it’s all in how you approach and deal with the confusion.

I prepare myself by reading cases on my off time.

we basically covered at least 5 hardcore higher level college courses worth of material, which i guess isn’t a lot, but it would take at least 4 or 5 months of full time training to even begin to digest.

i would say we needed 4 or 5 months of full time training before answering a single phone call.

but you only get two weeks.

therefore, you get about TEN PERCENT of the training you think you need. you are NINETY PERCENT unprepared when they throw you to the wolves.

well i guess thats better than 100 percent unprepared hahahaha.

anyway i would suggest taking benadryl ONCE EVERY THREE DAYS just to give yourself SOME relief, ANY relief, the relief that youve been begging to GOD for. So thats why GOD created benadryl.

i guess you could also try nyquil but that did not work so well for me last time i tried it. i took it and still couldn’t sleep, still mind racing, it did no good, still woke up very early morning with worried mind.

and i say once every 3 days because sleeping pills can be habit forming, you build up a tolerance, and they just stop working, stop helping, stop giving you relief.

me crying out, i respect you, please respect me, please end this better. come on.

it just really sucks to have a good connection, and she cant just say that was a fantasy because it wasnt, and then have that connection go away because one person doesnt want it any more.

i had not connected like that with a woman since 2005 at least. i connected with her better than all the few women i very briefly Dated. the only thing that came close was my platonic connections with other platonic female friends, long ago, which gradually faded away, but not with anger or hard feelings. more like time, distance, and their careers. also i never converted the feels to nonplatonic with them.

but why can someone decide one sidedly that they dont want the connection any more?

it doesnt matter why. they can decide why for any reason. in her case it was probably because:

  1. did not have same feels for me
  2. horrible timing, just broke up with a guy and still hung up on him
  3. saw that i was changing and was not willing or able to come along with me for that change

she prob would have wanted the connection to continue if my platonic feels were continueing. but they WEREN’T. the platonic feels were OVER on my end, and i decided that one-sidedly! well i think it just happens. you can’t choose that.

just like she couldn’t choose her feels. these things really do just happen.

but all this is proving how damn ridiculous it would be to go back to work with her. i can barely get over her without seeing her. i write her emails, well “just”  3 emails a month, which shows my desire to Be With Her despite me saying I Accept That Its Over. No, I don’t accept that. it will prob be at least 6 months before I fully accept that!

how do you know when you’re Ready To Date Other People and you are Fully Over the Previous Person?

uhhh it will take at least 4 to 6 months at LEAST. and then you will reach a stage of you just don’t have feels for ANYBODY, and you will be somewhat content in that. I know i was! I enjoyed that “downtime” between woman5 and woman6 (new reckoning system here.) between woman2012 and woman2015 how about that. using the dates that Everything Ended/Died.

it didnt make me any more confident or powerful or alpha or anything, any more high achieving or ambitious or hard working. i just wanted to bang bitches with no commitment, and felt that my heart was permanently closed. until it opened again, was melted by woman2015 during the second half of 2014.

i should have also said right in fooking october14 when i first got the feelings. blurted it out. well, i was happy to give her a FEW chances to blow me off the hang out. she just got HER heart broken! but by december or january the blowing off was getting to be too much. I was getting Backed Up with shit to say.

so at THAT time i should have sent an email or text saying thusly:

“hey i have feelings for you which started about 2 or 3 months ago. that’s the big thing i wanted to talk about. i think we had a good connection and at this point, my feelings changed, i wanted to be more than friends. lets talk about this before it gets too weird. i know you’re still getting over x from 2 months ago, so i know its the worst timing ever. but lets talk about it, get it out there, try to respect each other, and maybe in 6 months when you are over him, wanna give me a try maybe. the end.”

5 fricken lines. dont even need an hourlong heart to heart, or 3 900000 word emails. alright thats more than 1 text, thats maybe 3 texts, still not bad tho.

heh. so thats what i will do next time, if there is a next time.


and just give sex away in a very liberated way. nope. never gonna do it.

my ideal woman would never have sex outside of a Committed, Monogamous Relationship.

It’s ridiculous and degenerate that there should be a “Three Date Rule.” That is DISGUSTING. In response to that, I advocated a TEN Date Rule, but honestly, I would prefer that the woman be Dating the Man Monogamously for at least 6 months to 1 year, and ideally be able to say “I Luv U” to him and mean it. only then should she have secs with him. for the FIRST time.


when i first had secs with a gurl at age 21 hehehehe late bloomer, i had only first MET the gurl TWO WEEKS prior, tops. she was a fast mover, kinda pomiscuous and slutty and easy. however i was desperate to get laid and not become a 22 year old virgin, and she was super cute. I mean we are talking a solid 8 here, and very very very much in the First Full Flush Of Youth. Straight Up Peak of Youth. Not talking about a 29, or even 25 year old woman here. We are talking about a damn 18 year old gurl. A Teen with Firm Breasts and Young, Bright, Glowing, Firm but Soft Skin, absolutely no signs of Aging whatsoever. hahahaha. I couldn’t NOT go for her when she was very willing!!!!!!! and neither would ANY man. so i dont regret that at ALL, even though she was moving too FAST for my liking. oh well.

but she was raised in a progressive middle class feminist family that said experiment, have fun, explore your sexuality, sex is not dirty or bad, just use protection and consent, we can help you if you need to get an abortion. don’t worry if you break any sensitive sissyboy hearts, that doesnt matter.

in this case i felt the connection was forced too fast, the connection was simulated and rushed, but it wasn’t really real, like it was with woman2015, where we were platonic friends for almost 2 years before i got feels and wanted to secs her. that 2 years gave me plenty of time to really get to KNOW her and TRUST her and become comfortable with her.

none of that happened with that girl above (woman2, woman2004 i guess). it started and ended in the blink of an eye. that is just too fast IMHO. take your damn time.

make sure you are monogamously dating the guy for at least six months. make yourself wait, not just him.

the longer a woman waits to have sex with a man, the BETTER. period.

well, with maximum benefits peaking at around 6-12 months. 9 months hahaha. i think the benefits would go away after 1 year, then it would just be ridiculous. then we are talking religious fanatic. but i dont think 6 months is bad at ALL. 6 months is GREAT.

thats part of why i connected with woman2015. she got her first real boifran at age 18 or 19 and dated him monogamously for 4 or 5 years. i think this is GREAT. i rarely meet women who do this, let alone decent looking women who i get along with instantly.

most gurls have had more secs partners before age 20 than I will have in my entire life! there is absolutely no reason to have 5 partners already by age 20! Especially for a woman! Are you kidding me! and she also voiced disapproval about Sluts, and looked down at slutty behavior. She agreed that sluts were not respectable and she was happy to be more Prudish than average. and I like Prudish Women.

and now she is transforming from a prude to a slut. some women do it during their teens, some women do it during their twenties. but by the time a woman has reached THIRTY, and she’s not married, you can be GUARANTEED she is USED UP.

hehehehe. i would have been happy to marry this woman before she hit thirty. she’s still got some time left too.

yeah it sucks. in the beginning she accepted me and liked me for who i was. and it sucks to lose that. with other women who went to fast, i always had to worry about me candy coating everything so they wouldnt think i was WEIRD. weird to be a 21 year old virgin, or to be 22 and have no real long term gurlfrans, be 30 and have no real gurlfrans, go 10 years without having secs, only having secs with 1 gurl ever, never dating a gurl longer than 2 months, only dating 2 gurls in my whole life, never longer than 2 months, when most women are able to “achieve those milestones” before age 20.

well, better for a woman to have one long term boifran starting from a young age, than start having secs with lots of dudes from a young age! OBVIOUSLY! but its NOT obvious in this sick sad modern world!

but my female friend never pried, never asked these awkward questions, and if she did, i felt i could trust her with the truth. and she liked me as a person and didnt think i was some old creepy weirdo. but now she does. because i fell in luv with her 2 years in. damn. well i couldn’t help that. it just happened.

thats what i can tell you about luv. fook this new testament love is gentle and kind and patient and tolerant paul to the romans wedding bullshit.

yes, love is gentle and kind and tolerant, but its ALSO intolerant and jealous and CRAZY. its CRAZY and you can’t control when and who it happens to. it takes control of you. it is the root emotion of jealousy, obsession, hate, potentially violence even. love is a real fooking mixed bag and its not all good. when it goes good its very good; when it goes bad, it gets REALLY REALLY HORRID.

THAT is luv. and just because it went bad, doesnt mean that it wasnt love, just because you weren’t HAPPY to Let Her Go.

Essentially I was being minorly Cucked. She was telling me, I dont respect you enough to even TALK TO, you have been downgraded from a respected friend to less than a piece of shit; and now i am gonna go have fun and be friendly to everyone else.

I am a human being and i demand respect! me falling in luv with her does not give her the right to take away the respect she had for me! but she did.

woman2012 still treated me with respect, as a human being, and gave me Good Closure. woman2015 treated me with no respect and gave me Bad Closure.

of course i still didnt want to SEE woman2012 after that ended either, wouldn’t want to work with her!

would i have casual sex with a woman now? probably. i would probably even let a woman cheat with me on her unhappy relationship. however i probably wouldnt cheat ON somebody if i were in a monogamous relationship with them. also i would remind the woman at every chance that what she is doing is immoral and wrong and that she should break up with her boifran. oh i’m just as bad because i’m still fooking her. well i’m not cheating on anyone, and if you hadnt fooked me, you would have just fooked somebody else. and fook no i would not want to get into a monog rel with you, because you’d cheat on me, like you’re cheating on him. i am just looking to get my d wet without paying $400 a pop. we have no real connection, i have no respect for you. you are not the kind of woman i would date. woman2015 was.

shit yeah im still hoping she’ll write me in like 4 months and be like IM SO SORRY, lets reconnect, and this time lets go out and date. it was bad timing, as you know, but I was willing to wait until a better time, like now, so lets get started now.

shit yeah i would bite for that.

and its been like that in all cases. i always want them to “come to their senses.” I am always willing to forgive them.

shit if woman2012 came back to me right now, i probably wouldn’t deny her! i would bnag the shit out of her and it would be fun. i think she was an asexual lesbian though, maybe an incipient transgender. she was not a normal woman.

but normal woman suck, they are stupid sluts.

NO, that is not NORMAL women, that is what normal women have been brainwashed by an abnormal, disgusting CULTURE to become, and sadly, normal women are all too susceptible to brainwashing.

i guess men too. why are humans so susceptible to brainwashing? I’m no different really, i’m brainwashed in some ways too. but i am less brainwashed than average. red pill son.

but yeah not being brainwashed means that you can see that casual, fast, uncommitted sex is bad for women, because men and women have different Reproductive ROLES and ABILITIES and RESPONSIBILITIES. I liked that woman2015 understood that on some level, so as to resist the hedonist, short term instant gratification physical pleasure seeking Cultural Mindset as long as she did, and it is sad to see her fall to it, during her Mid Twenties.

well maybe she wont fall to it, but she’s definitely not going to be with me! and that’s just as bad.

i don’t really have any burning desire to casually bang 90000000 women either. i would much prefer one monogamous mate with true luv. but as a man it’s simply much less risky for me to have sex with some stranger, because i can’t get preggers, she can. i can sure get fookin syphilis off that skank tho.

Decent Women Understand This Too, and act accordingly.

They Slut-Shame because they know to be a Slut IS inherently shameful!

so yeah she ended it poorly, i was willing to end it not so poorly. she still has the chance to end it well, but i will still WANT her indefinitely. it will probably be about six months at LEAST before i could ever WANT anyone like that again.

well shit. six months before my heart is hard and calloused, after it is broken and bleeding now.

then it will go through a few good months of being a hard callous, for sure.

but yeah february cannot come fast enough hahahahaha.

well the good thing is, the skills i learned with Dealing with Overwhelming Confusion at my Job, are portable skills that i can take to any and every job. you notice every and all little details. you learn to ask the right leading questions. you never assume anything will work and you have 10 follow up questions ready immediately. say not only what do i do here, but also please give me a backup in case that doesn’t work. reading case notes. asking the right people. explaining things i dont understand. being under pressure all day every day trying to think fast and fix shit where I know LESS about EVERYTHING than the person who broke it, and if they were ANYWHERE NEAR as smart as me, they should just fix it themselves. but we are so smart, think so fast and creatively, that we can fix shit that we dont even know WHAT IT IS or HOW IT WORKS, that they have been working with for years.

when you call an “expert” and the expert knows WAY LESS than you do. and it is your Job 8 hours a day to be that “expert” and you feel like a fraud, in over your head, all day.

well then take a benedryl or sleeping pill one hour before you clock out, then by the time you get home, go right to fookin bed alone or with some fat pig you resent more with every passing day hahahaha.


may 15

oh yeah.

there is a fuzzy faint feeling in head which may be from withdrawal of paxil. it is not debilitating but def distracting. a little bit.

maybe just drank too much coffee.

so we have established that normie is not bad, in fact, normie is good, we want to be normie.

normie does not imply degenerate.

BUT, what DOES imply degenerate, is the SECS which normies HAVE, secs arguably being THE defining FEATURE of being-a-normie.

but since most normies are NOT degen, therefore we can deduce that most of the SECS these normies are having is nondegen.

examples of degen secs:

taking pictures of the secs


open rels

casual secs

notice that most of these degeneracies, the direct causer is women not men

dumping a guy for no good reason

not giving a guy you dumped for no good reason some “severance” fooks to kind of wean him off rather than dropping a bomb on him: we will never have secs again starting RIGHT NOW

dumping a guy because “i dunno it just doesnt feel the same as it did before, i dont get all tingly any more, i dunno”

dumping a guy without giving a good solid effort to fix it first

. ok so. yeah women are more responsible for these degeneracies than men, so you would be stupid to not be “prejudiced” against women. men and women are different, and women are provably more degenerate than men. end of story.

to be fair, they are more gullible or suggestible really, and are very easily led down the path to degeneracy. so, even a not super strong man should have no problem leading them far, far away from that path, and down a good path instead. wish i had known that manny years ago hahahaha.

ongoing travelogue of author getting off medzlol

seem to be sweatier, and even more incoherent, little angier and more confrontational

but the dizziness and faintness is definitely happening, not super fun

also detoxing from “medical herb” as well ooo goody, so that is interacting as well

may 16

i keep forgetting that i am a huge supporter of using psychedelics to cure u of yr derpression and laziness. i would think something natural like muschrooms or dmt would be best, but maybe lsd too would be ok. just never have the privacy and opportunity to do such things. i would recommend 24 hours completely alone and try not to do anything stupid like jump out the window or breathe underwater, some people have accidentally K’d themselves this way while on psychs.

i was reading about terence mckenna and his early life where he said his first love was biology so then he went back to berkeley and completed his degree in 1975 , age 29. now by this time he had already had a very interesting life, traveling all over the world, having gurlfrans, researching his career interests in psychedelics, etc, and by all accounts appeared to be a total neverdepressed normie hahaha and certainly a huge nonvirgin!!!!

so it is hard for us to understand that academic interest in things, natural curiosity, loving knowledge for the sake of knowledge, because we are always so anxiously obsessed with how 2 get a job or how 2 get a gurlfran!!!!!! that we develop no curiosity in why this plant does that, the nature of time, stem interests, math, electricity, etc. we dont give a fook, we just want a qt to cuddle with and a job that pays 15 bucks an hour.

THESE AREN’T ACTUAL INTERESTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being intellectually curious in why such and such compounds rgeact the way they do, or reflecting on what hereclitus said about bla bla is an intellectual interest.

my problem is i was very smart, but lost interest in intellectual interests, due to obsession with “emotional interests” like how 2 get qt gurlfran, and how 2 get 15$ job, and then lostinterest in everything else. therefore i could not use my intellect and could not turn my intellect into a $15 job thru grad skool hahahahahahahahahaha. i bet u know that feel too.

your anger makes you duller and dumber rather than tougher, sharper, and smarter.

so get some mushrooms RIGHT NOW and do them alone lol, theres your magic bullet. that will reconnect you with The Universe or with Your Higher Power like you were when you were a child. and then you can be interested in stuff again, not just superficial things like how to sell yourself to b1tches, how to sell yourself to jobs, how to persuade people to accept you.


cant u just sit in your room by yourself READING and LEARNING and be completely at peace doing that?

fook no then u wouldnt be here hahahaha. that is one of the main things normies do lol besides having secs with their gfs.

always worried about stupid superficial surface bullsh1t like wimmin and jerbs. because u dont got none hahahahaha.

had a weird dream where i was in the sh1ttiest most run down ghetto, and there was a skool advertised as the ticket out of this slum, and the main ticket was being good at MATH (ie stem degree hahaha) and they gave us a test basically saying, if you can’t pass this test, then you BELONG here. and it was the hardest math test ever, like Calc 5 level. i was like damn i still got a LONG ways to go to make 15$ an hour and lift myself out of this slum. I thought it would be a simple 1+1 type arithmetic thing, but there was some intense calculus and god knows what on this test. everyone looked at the test, said wtf, and walked out, because noone knew how to do it. and the person who ran the school would not help you pass the test, just administered the test to show you what an idiot you were who deserved your squalid poverty.

the end hahahaha.



may 2015

really its absurd that its so hard to get a job, because once you get the job, you see that everyone there is incompetent and should be ashamed of themselves and that noone is held accountable, and noone really knows what they are doing.

but it is simple supply and demand i guess, too many people want jobs, and not enough jobs are available for them.

well current job was so easy to get: one interview and done. int was less than 10 minutes. basically needed to have a pulse. prob the easiest int ever did.

then i int for another job, which would have been much less stressful, and much easier, and paid more, and i thought i had an In by Knowing People, and thought i did ok on the interview…… but didnt get the job. for doing a BETTER interview for a MUCH EASIER job.  see it doesn’t make sense.

a few months ago i talked to a marginally older guy who had an engin degree, military experience, wife, multiple kids, home, good job, TOTAL normie in other words. he said when he interviewed people he didnt even CARE about their technical skills, but rather their people skills: could you talk to the person, do they annoy you, are they weird or creepy or nonnormal. that was the most important thing. coming from a guy working a tech job, interviewing tech people for tech jobs.

unless its life or death it doesnt’ really matter. at worst, you fook up, the system goes down for a day, the company loses 100 grand, and u get fired. nobody dies hahaha u just lose your livelihood and means of taking care of your kids. hehehe what kids. what livelihood. u dont even make 15 bucks an hour yet hehehehe.

making 15 bucks an hour is the hardest thing in the world. u dont get to do it unless you were the Valedictorian of your class in stem at MIT, and only if you had 90000 internships too. with good companies not shitty companies. and did good int he internships, not just coasting.

coasting hehehehe

personally have coasted all muh life cuz too lazy not to coast.

what would make you not coast?

being homeless, having a nice qt gurlfran hahahahahaha, being a fun energetic person where jobs look for u, u dont look for jobs.

but yeah just get a damn proper suit before your next proper interview. go to yelp and look up mens clothier and find a place that is rated as having good service and get fitted for the cheapest suit they have. actually just go to mens wearhouse and look at suits. hopefully an employee will stop you and try to sell you sheet. be like i want a navy blue suit, willing to spen $100, but i do want the suit tailored on the pants at least because muh body is weird. i need something that doesnt look like a Charity Suit Becuase Interviews.


also take a valium, xanax or benzo before the interview and just try not to say UHHHHH and try to Talk Smart and Talk Fun.

those “simple” Five things are prob the Top Five of Job Winning things.

welp i guess my “passion” in life is to help Privileged Cis White Men who because of Emotional Weakness became Losers, hahaha not a big market. most losers have darn good reasons for being losers, like they had a hard life, bad families, abused, molested, etc. they weren’t set up to win and then failed because of their own stubbornness and weakness.

but there are a few others out there so i should really Reach Out and Develop them into Paying Clients hahahaha. then i can start my business. because not gonna get a stupid costly masters degree in like counseling, then try to get a fookin JOB in that, THEN try to build my client base from there. build clients NOW and easily convince them that me not having a gay masterz degree is no bad thing, but in fact a great thing.

but yeah obv i still need to roll up sleeve and do actual work of Reaching Out and Working with Losers on a one on one basis. and get like 10 regular clients. with local losers i could actually do house calls and meet in person.

ehhh i guess i would charge 15 to 20 bucks an hour. maybe 12 hehehe.

grateful to have friends but they are ALL normies, meaning they have decent jobs, they are in rels or married or have had gurlfrans before for many years and have had secs many times. weird. that is not normal to me lol.

but i am not sure i ever met a non normie i ever liked, in person.  many non normies are just excruciatingly annoying and no fun, sound familiar hahahaha.

if anything, we actually want to become normies, by getting ok average jobs, by getting a gurlfran, and cuddling with her regularly, and not getting dumped by her for like a good solid year. what is all that but definition normie. normie is not bad. normie is the goal. normie is the BEST.

nonnormie is basically autistic virgin, and you dont want to be that, trust me.

in fact, it might be the defining feature of normie vs non normie, to be able to establish a hetero rel with a person you Like.

begs the question, are we non normies less normal than GAYS? because once gays move out of their Small Town, they usually easily find Secs Partners in the Big Gay City. plus gay men are always horny for other gay men and they have no reproductive costs, so gay men go to gar bars and have tons of easy gay secs. no matter how weird looking they are, or autistic, or awkward.

long ago i was at a party with a gay man and he was pretty drunk and he told me he would like to get gay with me if i were not str8. i smiled and said thank you for the compliment, you are a good looking man yourself, unfortuantely i am not gay. i wish i were gay sometimes because the females aren’t much easier, hahahaha. funny enough i was at the party to try to court a gurl (woman6) and she was being a cold standoffish b1tch to me, but nice to other guys, no doubt taking it up the 4ss from guys she just met that day at that party hahahaha what a b1tch and slut.

anyhow i hypothesize that the average gay man has more positive secs experiences than the average hetero cis non normie autist virgin loser, hahahaha.


may 2015

wow been doin this blog for TWO YEARS now, and 487 posts or so wow. weve come a long way baby hahaha.

went from a total loser job to a signif less total loser job, but its still a loser job, AND it is 90000000000000000 times more stressful and has made me mroe stressed, angry, even less energy hahaha.

still no success with wimmin during this two year period haha.

think used this blog to help get over woman7 in 2013, and then in 2014 woman8 happened, and still trying to deal with that, haven’t gotten officially rejected yet, but fishing for it, just so to move on. cant waste time like with woman7. already wasted too much time with woman8. so that is on the short term here. dealing with rejection using no contact, deleting everythign, sleeping at least 10 hours erry day, and medical m. all u need.

also get a huge hoard of valium to help you get thru your horrible job, but dont take the valium every single day, but every other day, so you don’t get hooked, and god frbid you take it every day, and then every day is equally bad. with eery other day, you get one ok day, one bad day, then one ok day, then one bad day, and so one. the risk with valium every day is that every day would gradually become worse and worse.

oh yeah everything is 50 50 chances…..even if they are nto. because that will give you the irrational overconfidence needed to succeed in life.

heh. thinking of erryone u know and how often they have secs. pretty darn often! well, assuming married people have secs once a month and unmarried monog couples have secs twice a month, hahahahahahahaha.

and unmarried nonmonog people have secs erry day hahahaha.

leaving opne weather dot com slowly eats away at your computer phones memory. why cant they fix that.

accuweather is better on the memory.

memory leaks. why.

how to fix?

dunno. cant be fixed. so sorry.

heh. i indignantly believe that there is a way to fix memory leaks.

ehhh this is for windows automiotive, in some car stereo systems

hey i TOOK c++ coding 202 and we TALKED about memory leaks, and how you create and destruct blocks of memory using the “new” command, and the “release” command at the end?????? and if you forget to release the memory, thats a memory leak.  so go into the code and put a release command there. thats why you ALREADY HAVE a comp sci degree and make 100 grand a year. so just do your job.

i dont remember the exact syntax or the exact meaning, or if it involved pointers. it DID involve delegating and releasing blocks of memory during run-time, so you didn’t have to delegate or dimension or declare ALL the memory right at the outset; so if you needed a little, you got a little; if you needed a lot, you got a lot; and at the end, all the memory was freed up.

heh dont even really care about secs tbh. when was young said would not have a prob if found a nice gurl who wanted to date for a long time before having secs, simply because secs always made me nervous and wanted to make sure really knew and trusted the person. that went over like a lead balloon hahahaha.

so hate to mark secs as THE symbolic thing for what mean, when it could jsut as well be something like “a loving make out sesh where you cuddle with the person all night, and get butterflies of luv at how much you luv the person, but no actual secs is had”

yes all that would be fine too.

so how long can you go without THAT and still remain sane, undistubred?

what happens if u don’t have that for like 5 years? on average? 10 years? do you become more….cold? distant? tired? old? angry? distracted? lazy? loser?  yes all of the above hahahaha.

muh big scientific hypothesis is: after 5 to 10 years, not having good make out gurlfran cuddlez will make u a crippling derpressed lazy loser hahahahahahaha.

who is no fun to anyone and who no one wants to hang out with, have cuddlez with, or hire for a job. hahahaha.

basically lets just say “whatever you would subjectively consider a physical expression of Shared Intimacy Emotionz” lol, whether that is secs, or that is just making out and cuddling and spending time with a B1tch you Like Like.

is it worth to be getting paid twice as much, but your new job is WAYYYYY over two times as stressful? like would you WITHSTAND TWENTY times the stress, for TWICE as much money? hehehe personally prefer a 1:1 ratio there

official position of this blog is that 1:1 ratio of pay:stress is ideal

and that also going more than 5 years without making out with a gurlfran like gurl, will make you derpressed and lazy.

ok so u might need a job more than u need a gurlfran, but oh well. stuff only makes sense 50% of the time.

so yeah it goes against your moral code to LIE becuase only filthy liars lie, but also figure this: who has EARNED your TRUST? who DESERVES the truth from you? only your family and friends at BEST, certainly not prospective employers and current employers. lie to these k1kes AT ALL TIMES.

hehe might have to start studying game again. like how to pick up women. not because endorse the hedonistic degenerate worldview behind it, but simply to get some action without having to pay for it, and maybe shape self into being more “fun” hahahaha.

anythign they can teach you about getting in shape, dressing better, being less creepy, being more fun, then thats all good, even if they choose to sit “poolside” and “enjoy the decline” ultimately. you dont need to go that far.