WORSE THAN BEING ABORTED: STILL ALIVE TO SUFFER

july 7

had interview today, 5 people grilling me, 1 hour and 20 minute interview, 40k job tho damn.

then went on linked in and switched my settings to anonymous mode so i could look at people from my old job. started feeling bad. like damn they can handle taking confusing angry phone calls all day, how come i cant? they found new jobs, the are able to think fast and act quick. oh 3 people from my company went over to this other company. I WONDER if thats where SHE went too. oh i wonder if shes fooking one of those guys then. or maybe she already fooked him and now they hate each other but still work together.

how come just the thought of answering those calls and dealing with those weird problems strikes fear into my heart? i wish i could be AS GOOD as her in the stupid competition of life. compete with her on HER terms and PROVE that I am at LEAST as good as her, can do the same kind of ridiculous work, make the same decent money.

and now she goes on and makes new friends and knows the people we worked with, longer than I knew her….which was a pretty long time. and I am stuck in the past. and she has moved past me, and I am just a faded memory in her past, that she has mostly forgotten.

next on the listening:

diocletian: gesundrian

proclamation: nether tombs of abbadon (terrible reviews, as their well of ideas has run dry and they are just going thru the blasphemous motions. but I sorta think the production sounds best on this one. and I figure each album will sound exactly the same, so production is VERY important here.)

i should be talking about this interview hehehe.

i figure, they interview 5 people, that means you START OFF at a 20% chance of getting the job. then depending on how you do, you go up or down. probably not more than 10% either way.

anyway it was me, and 5 managers, in a room for 1 hour and 20 minutes. 5 people making 25 bucks an hour to spend 90 minutes of Paid Time with ME hahahahaha.

ok did 5 mile walk, listened to those things. i just dont have great headphones. i have 10 dollar headphones when i should invest in some good 50 dollar headphones, but i just cant right now till i establish an income stream other than 2 dollars a week on mturk hahaha. i could only stand about 10 to 14 minutes of the proclamation. but its nice to come back to that noise for 14 minutes a day or so.

the diocletian sounded sorta like angel corpse but with some slow parts. great sound, again hurt by my headphones. great drum and guitar sound, great fast blasts, no triggers like some f4ggy death metal band hahaha.

i just hate sounding incompetent with a caller who wants me to fix a problem, because I AM incompetent, and i DONT know what I’m doing. and i hate that SHE was better at that in the long run than me.

and if you can stay good at that in the long run, you can actually advance in the stupid tech support field. become a tier 2, then a tier 3, then a manager, get jobs at increasingly better companies. you just gotta tough it out. and I couldn’t do it, and she COULD. AND she doesn’t CARE about ME, when I KNOW she once did. she was tough enough to do the job, and to KEEP doing the job a year later, but she wasnt courageous enough to SHOW CARE about ME. fooooooook.

i mean other women have been tougher and more competent than me. better at their jobs. doing tough jobs. cool under pressure. going gets tough, tough get going. other women have Bested me at that competition, but I didn’t care nearly AS much because they showed a lot more courtesy to me when they dumped me. they said sorry that I have to do this. and then went on to become hugely successful in their careers. just like THAT PERSON is going to be. I came CLOSE to looking her up on linkedin today. I thought she might work at this company several people from our company went to.

theres a difference between “taking the black pill” ie looking a unpleasant things, because you might learn a valuable lesson…….vs TORTURING yourself by COMPARING yourself to others unfavorably on linkedin. looking at all those fookin WINNERS on linkedin. or f4gbook or that matter. oh im so successful at muh career. i am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown and im getting MARRIED to a person I LUV and want to make babies with. we just had a baby. were having our second baby. chad just got promoted to Team Lead this year, which meant more money for our growing family. Stacy finished her masters degree in Talent Acquisition which resulted in a big pay raise for her too.

that fooking bullshit successful middle class normie STRIVERS talk about in their christmas card letters!!!!

so yeah. SOME blackpilling is ok, but I don’t think this comparing yourself is really helpful, nor is it legit blackpilling. its more digging yourself into a rut and putting yourself into a bad mood. better to just STOP, and just apply for another job, or go for a 5 mile walk and listen to EVIL raw black metal like blasphemy or proclamation hahahaha.

black lives matter hehehe how about MY life matters. I wanted MY life to matter to HER. not even in a tradwife luv sort of way, but just in GENERAL.  even before i fell in luv her life matter to me, and my life mattered to her. i just wished my life could have mattered to her at the END. rather than being murdered like an aborted child hahahaha.

now i know what that aborted child feels like with the silent scream, as it screams pleeeease mommy dont murder me, and then they get murdered anyway. and then you get to stay alive enough to be able to see that, and think about it for years hahahaha. and you wonder how could your own mother murder you hehehe.

so in a while its WORSE than being aborted! because you are still ALIVE TO SUFFER!!

at least the aborted baby has the privilege of not being able to suffer any more. they are put out of their misery!

july 8

foreveralone feels, an actual 30 year old wizard virgin with a youtube channel whoooooaaaaa

i mean he LOOKS like one! but he also doesnt look TOO bad, or irredemable. its sad.

instantly subscribed.

The “why are women fooked” question is actually really easy: because they don’t have to be good to pass on their genes. They just have to take a dick and keep the baby alive. The men have to slave, fight and die over who gets to keep them.

great quote from great trs thread on how bad women are hahaha

but yeah i might as well be a 30 year old virgin. i had secs 2 times with a gurl when i was 21………AND THEN NEVER EVER AGAIN hahahaha and now I am 30+.

its a really unique situation. there’s no manual for this. the wizards dont understand, the normie chads sure dont understand. i guess people can still advise you: be a stronger, better, man with purpose. then you can keep a woman from dumping you. easier said than done tho hahaha.

huge anti police shooting in dallas, its HAPPENING, 4-5 officers dead, wow, i mean i can honestly say stuff was NOT liek this when I was young. shit is objectively getting BAD.

i meditated on my desire to bang gurls up the ass and I figured it had to do with a desire to PUNISH them and cause them some pain. for not wanting anything to do with me, and also for Playing Around with the LIfe Creation Process so casually.

I was always kinda afraid of the Vag and Secs because I always understood THATS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. this is NOT a casual, fun process. if you want to have PURELY recreational secs, then do it up the ass like mexican sluts or f4gs. that’s the fookhole for people who REALLY dont want to have babies. and i dont want to have babies. babies are a BIG DEAL and Im not ready for that. so i dont want to treat the pvssy like some kind of casual funland.

and women are stupid and inferior for treating their OWN pvssies like that. theyre the ones who GET pregnant!!!! how can they NOT know this and need a man to mansplain it to them? because thats how women ARE. and I was like holy shit that sucks SO MUCH. How can I POSSIBLY respect or even LIKE women. they are DISGUSTING.

so hence the desire to bang them in the ass. to somewhat punish them, and also to show that I wanted to remove ALL chance of conception. well why not just use birth control.

because i’ve ALWAYS believe that BC is flawed. that its putting up an unnatural roadblock to something natural. and you just dont need to do that with the ass. because the ass is not MADE FOR REPRODUCTION. its made for expelling shit.

so yeah still its degenerate to want to put muh dick in an EXIT hole! I fully own and admit that. own muh degeneracy.

well its not like Im going out banging sluts in the ass, or watching porno of it! although I used to. but i havent looked at porno in….242 days.

the shit with the woman WENT DOWN 360 days ago. almost a year.

sent her the last email 326 days ago.

last got a haircut 101 days ago. and I am fully planning on getting a nice very short haircut TODAY.

later. got nice short level 1 haircut! very nice. do this more like every 2 months, not every 3 months. it was looking bad on the sides, like an unemployable loser neet wizard virgin. dont do this. i am scottish with spending money, but in this case, its WORTH THE MONEY. just spend the money and get a haircut every 2 months. they barber didnt even ask about muh JOB hahaha.

also now i look more masculine, like a real ross bay powerlifting black metal skinhead. i would also add 1433 to that, althought the ross bay cult is NOT associated with 1433. but they should really consider it! although the black guy in the band blasphemy hahahaha well i will give him a pass.

BUT really raw drunken satanic black metal is degenerate anyway, and degeneracy and 1433 is like OIL AND WATER.

so, switch all that drunken satan imagery with like Nationalistic War imagery. you can still have those kewl black and white drawings! just instead of goatz and sp00py skellys with goathorns, you can have like soldiers and fuhrers and gunz and tradfams and such.

being CONFUSED SUCKS. it kills your confidence and can lead to Chronic Stress.

also you feel like you are getting early onset dementia or alzheimers at age 35. WTF. that is very frustrating.

or was it just because you smoked too much MJ and drank too much alcohol before age 25? because ya sure did. sure screwed the pooch on that one. dicked the dog. fooked fido.

like worshiping satan and evil is stupid, immature, degenerate, and really doesnt make sense. being a 1433 whyte warrior makes TOTAL sense. 14 words make TOTAL sense. so express THAT in your music.

had stupid dream last night where I dreamed I was looking at pictures of HER, on facebook or instagram or whatever. i saw a photo of her from new years eve where she was kissing a black guy. i reacted with disgust and horror and anger, much like you would expect me to hahahaha. i make no apologies for not liking mudsharking, and I am ESPECIALLY offended when the woman I luv would rather fook and kiss blacks than have anything to do with ME. it really stings the pride knowing a black guy is better at getting the woman of your dreams than you are. and that the woman of your dreams would rather be with a black guy than you, ya racially-aware whyte man.

also IRL she did go out with a black guy but I never saw secsy pictures of that thank god. but the fact is, they were making out and FOOKING. she she suck his dick? most certainly. Did he blast jizz on her pretty face? maybe. did he fook her up the ass? maybe. did he fook her doggystyle and blast on her nice white ass? certainly. did he pound that pvssy with her fine white body pressed up against him while they made out and she sighed in Ecstasy? 100000% yes definitely. things I will never experience with her hehehehe.

And I have always like kissing and making out MORE than secs. it seems so pure and fun and innocent and safe and good. and secs seems so dirty and bad and pornographic and dangerous and bad. not because it is, but because the way the women treat it like its NOTHING. treat it with more reverence.

so I always LIKED making out and kissing more. it means a lot to me. I would have had a LOT of fun making out with her. I had a LOT of fun just making out with gurls. then they would get bored, want secs, and dump me when they correctly ascertained that I wanted a real rel.

i get dumped because i always want a RELATIONSHIP with women hahahaha what a MONSTER I am.

clingy and needy, always wanted a Relationship.

oh well there’s serious rels and then theres casual rels. why do I always want a serious rel?

because I am an OLD SCHOOL WHITE MAN, and I KNOW that sex cannot be treated CASUALLY!

so yeah not only do i think secs is intmate, i think KISSING is kinda intimate too! and i feel a lot more positively towards it than secs, ie its something i can actually enjoy, possibly because it doesnt make babies but still allows you to show affection for your bitch, like cuddling. and its much SAFER and lower RISK, and I think its super FUN and stress free, and I RESENT women for not liking it so much, or thinking its BORING.

if you think somethings boring, YOUR BORING hahahahahahaha.

if you’re BORED, YOURE BORING.

uncle bern might have clued me into that saying.

oh lord their are LATVIANS speaking LATVIAN in the poker room hahahaha.

this is really interesting. yes i luv latvians, they are white as hell. or are they finngolian hahaha. latvians are classic joohaters and ovened 6 gorillion joos in riga in 1943.

 

 

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STEFAN MOLYNEUX IS DRIVING THIS BUS

june 15

had a dream with the PREVIOUS woman, woman 2012. where i was making out with her and getting ready to STICK IT IN, and she was like oh yeah stick it inme hahahaha she was very ready and willing. now she was not a slutty or secsual gurl at all, almost asexual. but i liked that she could be horny for me hehe. of course in real life she had no such interest in me. she was always nice to me and even hung out with me on occasion but we never became super close friends. i was always way more interested than she was but she was too nice and inexperienced to say say yeah i just dont want to hang out as much as you do.

well eventually she figured it out and was mature and courageous enough to say something and i said yep yeah you figured me out, i like u, aw shucks. and that was the end of that. but i appreciated that she was open and communicative and mature about it, so there was no real hard feelings there.

i would MUCH rather have a secsy dream with HER than ANY sort of dream with THAT WOMAN! hahaha.

aw sheeeeit. meeting with stupid tech recruiter, my least favorite kind of people, in 2 days. I am doing it just to keep practicing interviews, and i will be sure to tell him NO CALL CENTERS. TELL HIM NO CALL CENTERS.

and then he’ll say aw shucks thats too bad, cuz all i have are call centers, as far as the eye can see.

” Not only will this person take the role of a BA, but also a System Analyst where they are creating and taking requirements, asking questions, deep diving into each requirement to understand the landscape & suggest alternatives. This is NOT a role for someone who is not comfortable working on their own. This is a non-hand holding role!!  ”

hahahahahahahahahaha

DEEP DIVING. understand the landscape. NON HAND HOLDING ROLE hahahahaha.

figure it out on your own, moron, or youre fired.

is the average american even smart and clever enough to do this? dont most people do shitty in school? how can they think on their feet where basically everything is a tough trick question? how can average proles do this? this is challenging even for average white people!

but it was fun making out with woman 2012 in the dream. she was receptive to me there, but not in the way that suggests she’s that way with tons of men.

oh dear it looks like the latest fatherland is gonna bitch about me dnating one fecking quarter hahahaha. yeah well wait till they see that I upgraded it to 2 fecking quarters. EVERY MONTH.

whatsamatter normie, your too good for neet money hahahahaha.

the host jim does like to BITCH a lot hahahaha but he’s still a good guy. I know he means well. hey you almost were a neet at one time too, GUY.  this fookin guy. go work in a call center for your family hahahaha. see if you can still do your white dadcast then. see if your wife wont abandon you because youre a nervous wreck hahaha. then you can become a neet like your brother.

got a call from a black woman at the nursing home where i applied for HR assistant. talk to them TOMORROW heh.

human resources assistant at the nursing home. where old white people go to die under the watch of NAM’s hahahaha.

well black women luv me in general. they might want to hire me as their pet white boy. and then dump shit on me hahaha.

did i mention this indian tech recruiter just called me as well. i have gotten 3 unsolicited calls today. i think it is because i recently updated my res and was active on both careerbuilder and monster.

heh. just scheduled an Interview for tomorrow and i dont even care. not even nervous.

i sent them the packet i think.

and a 4th unsolicited call from a gd tech recruiter hahahaha. fookin assholes.

fook tech, fook anything computer related, the end.  basically, if you want to talk to a tech person on the phone, you will be guaranteed that they dont know what theyre doing. nobody knows what theyre doing because the whole field is a clusterfook. the only people that do know what they are doing are like startup founders, maybe.

you dont need to train people when you can just hire good bullshitters!

these fooking RECRUITERS! its gotta be that careerbuilder and or monster. so weird i get these indian guys calling ME to try to sell me into a tech call center job hahahaha.

how are these people Finding Talent? why can’t BIG COMPANIES like XEROX do their own Talent Recruitment? They get some indian working for SilverXis Tech Recruiting to find people as quickly as possible to fill the Xerox call center. IT just confuses the HELL out of me.

i guarantee you these recruiters aren’t finding better people than the companies do.

SO WHY DO THE COMPANIES KEEP USING THEM?

maybe they DO find better people.

i can’t believe its because the recruiters can afford to buy access to Careerbuilder’s Secret Leads. If Bumfook Tech Recruiters of cleveland can afford access to Careerbuilder, then so can xerox. so can bla bla Expanding Growing Insurance Company. It just all sounds Fishy As Fook to me. there is SOMETHING I dont know, and I am too low to EVER know.

stupid b on viceland “states of undress” calling these russians HOMOPHOBES. they’re not AFRAID of gays, they probably dont even HATE gays, so much as  they just dont want to CELEBRATE gayness 24/7, and if you dont want to do that, then youre a homophobe. or you dont want your kids teachers to be Gay Activists.

of course you should be homeschooling your kids!

how degenerate IS the average gay? I met a few gays that weren’t that degenerate. but a lot of gays ARE degenerate or just straight up crazy. bipolar and shit. worse than WOMEN. i dont want to be encouraging these people. heh i want to ENCOURAGE them to keep it in the closet.

or how about be gay, just don’t be (overly) degenerate about it. Get married to your first secs partner and stay monogamous for life. dont rack up thousands of ay secs partners. strive for a LOW NUMBER.

POST ON DF

Oh wow, crush on a friend, that can be rough. I had a similar situation recently and it did not end well! I eventually had to tell the person because…well, it’s complicated of course haha. I was giving pretty obvious signals and they were giving kind of obvious signals back that they were not interested in me in that way, and they just wanted me to forget about it. Of course I could not forget about it and I kept pushing them to talk to me about it, so we could have at least one big conversation about it, each of us say what we want to say, and try to move past it. I felt a great desire to talk, however she did not want to talk at all, and the friendship/relationship ended right there, with her refusing to talk to me whatsoever. I was pushy and awkward and weird, but I still feel resentful for her not talking to me. I never understood how painful the silent treatment was until I experienced this!

So to try to apply that amusing anecdote to your situation, haha. My first question is, are you showing your friend any kind of signals? For me, when I get feelings for somebody, it’s impossible to hide it. So do you think your friend knows about your feelings?

If they do, are they willing to talk about it? It will probably be a very awkward, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable conversation, but I strongly believe its one of those uncomfortable conversations that shouldn’t be avoided.

Basically I swore to myself that I would never let this happen to me again, and if I ever got feelings for a friend again, and they were acting kinda ambivalently to me, I would “blurt it out” and just tell them directly. They probably already have an idea, but they might be trying to avoid talking about it, because it’s an uncomfortable conversation. For me though, the conversation was absolutely necessary. For them, it wasn’t. Maybe you can think about how necessary such a conversation would be to you. Some people are fine just having nonverbal signals, but me personally, I need the awkward conversation to tell the whole truth with words. Your personal preferences might be different! 🙂

However I think it’s great when two people can talk about their feelings and their relationship like adults without avoiding each other, and just dealing with issues openly and honestly.

I can definitely understand your feelings, all too well!! And I would definitely feel horrible if my crush was not interested in me, but they WERE interested in some other mutual friend, like it sounds like is the case with you. I would personally limit my interaction with both people, cuz just to see or talk to them would be very painful, I would be constantly reminded of how they did not want to be with me.

When I get a crush, it’s usually pretty serious, hahaha. It’s pretty much full-blown true love that leaves me devastated and heartbroken, and I want to save you some of that pain in the future!

So I would think about having a honest conversation with your friend sooner rather than later, and see what they say and how they feel. But please understand I am not a professional.

Good luck and feel free to share more information or stories! 🙂

END.

young gurl has a crush on her male friend. or it could be another gurl, who knows. but crush on a friend, that is my wheelhouse tottally.

june 16

had interview for back office, human resources, payroll job with the nursing home. the nursing home has middling reviews because they dope up the seniors and leave them to die hahaha. i mean nursing homes are sad places period, its inherent, the only people that like the nursing homes are the rich jooish nursing homes.

all i cared about was that the people I talked to were nice, and they WERE. thank god. the black girl at the front desk was nice. everyone was black hahahaha. well there was a white woman administrator and a black woman administrator that i had the interview with. they were both all right. I did ok and it was probably my least autistic interview. and with less than 24 hours notice!

I sent them thank you note already. They seemed to like me. no really hard questions. I am like a politician anyway, I don’t actually answer the stupid questions they are asking anyway hahaha.

anyway I am not so much on the fence here like i am with the damn post office. if the nursing home calls me back, i will take the job for sure. it’s really close to home, like insanely. its a days schedule. no split shifts, no midnights.

i saw some old people who were not in great shape. but i would rather look at suffering dying old people, a memento mori if you will, hahaha, rather than answer calls all day and not know what to do.

i guess it could get problematic when dealing with employee contracts, ie the unionized nurses and such in the nursing home, and me having to udnerstand god damn union contracts. hey not my problem, talk to your steward hahahahahahahaha. its possible I could be in a union too. which is probably good. that means i cant be fired right hahahahaha.

not that I’m a union man by any means, boss! These fookin layabout and commies are gonna put us ALL out of jobs!

You know me boss, I am NOT a union man what so ever!

but yeah i felt pretty good, pretty CONFIDENT, after I got done. that was a GREAT feeling I hadn’t felt in a WHILE. Just straight up Confidence. Is THAT what NORMIES feel ALL THE TIME? its like being on DRUGS!!!!!!!

I wish I could feel that every day, or every other day at least.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/sweet-and-finally-legal-student-gash-for-cash/35376/4

commenter sez quote:

While I agree that these vile instincts are present in man kind (and in this instance namely women).
I still can’t help but cast harsh blame on the group who causes our people to turn towards such degeneracy.
Simply knowing that we are better than this, and knowing how far our people have fallen enrages me.
It’s amazing how people act around me, I’m quite vocal on my positiion of white superiority, when I come across downtrodden whites, or cross paths with white degenerates I know (one way or another) they always seem to straighten up around me, this is because I tell them every time I see them that they are white and that we are expected to hold ourselves to the highest standards.
When they see me they act white.
It is my firm belief that all whites – even our most j00 mind warped ones; know deep down that they are superior and that they are better than the current person they were caused to be.
One only needs to them; and be amazed how quickly whites clean up their act.
We need to get our message out into the world, whites need to hear that they are better than any role this current shit filled world has to offer them.

end quote

on zerohedge article about “soft prostitution” ie college gurls selling their bodies to pay for college. anyway I am totally with this guy, i favorited his comment hahaha. and pasted it here.

not super relavent to the days news (orlando, and now a leftist mp in UK assassinated by a brexit right winger yikes), but ALWAYS relevent to my own interest in da wimmin.

had a dream last night where i was on a long bus that was more like a train. i went to the front of the bus and who was driving it but STEFAN MOLYNEUX. I was like oh wow I actually know who you are (everyone else on the bus was people I knew IRL and probably they have no idea who he is.) And I was like welp you and me are gonna have a talk. because molyneux is just my vending machine for stimulating conversations hahaha and will talk to me about interesting stuff at my beck and call hahaha.

but yeah there is possibly a lot of symbolism here. stefan molyneux is driving the bus of my life hahahaha.

i more or less enjoy stefan and I especially like how he has been gradually moving alt-rightward and i liked the stupid meme that says he wrote “culture of critique”, and I like this picture:

aiMo1Qj

but I am concerned about him being 25-50% jooish hehehehehe. also sometimes he seems like a woman-hater, and he has huge mommy and daddy issues, but I do like some of his call-in “therapy” conversations. BUT I don’t like his defoo bullshit. But I think he is open to change, and some of the changes he’s made recently are promising. and he’s definitely an interesting guy. better to listen to him than watch talmudvision hahaha. wish I could have sat around and watched molyneux with muh female friend. oh we could cuddle together and listen to TRS podcasts and watch millennial woes and have meaningful sacred relationshipsecs with each other……

yesterday i had some woman-hating thoughts, i thought, its RIDICULOUS. women are like EVIL, MOUSTACHE-TWIRLING COMIC BOOK VILLAINS.  Like just pure evil in every way. Then I figured that’s too comical. they are evil in a dark, satanic, horrifying way, kind of similar to da j00s. blaspheming the holy. making the sacred profane and the profane sacred. TOTAL MORAL INVERSION.

like secs to me is a huge deal, its like a religious experience, ive only done it a few times and it has changed my life. it feels very intimate and special to me. but women treat it like NOTHING. like taking a DUMP. just a bodily function, no big deal.

they treat peoples HEARTS, treat PEOPLE, and relationships, like expendable, worthless, replaceable, interchangeable things. callously dump some guy, break his heart, just don’t care, and be FOOKING a new guy within a few days. its sinful and evil to a HORRIFYING degree, I can’t even COMPREHEND it. this is how evil they are.

they are capable of deception, lies, and murder in the highest degree! they murder their babies which grow inside them! they lie to people for years! they can do a 180 on you at any time! past niceness is no indicator that they wont do a total 180 on you and disappear forever, or cheat on you with 600000 guys!

so yeah its like someone who is evil in every way, just pure evil embodied, incapable of good, like satan, that’s how evil EVEN NICE SEEMING women are!!!!!!!

kind of like j00s. da joos are by far my least favorite race. i just think they are evil. they take everything good and holy and pervert it and ruin it. they are not merely annoying, but they represent a moral and spiritual threat. As a moral man, da joos are my ENEMY because their morality is a total inversion, desecration of my morality. the satan comparison is very apt.

and it seems like women are very j00ified in this regard, and thats sad and infuriating and sad. our women are better than this….. but da joo is very good at corrupting our women. making our women evil and disgusting like THEM.

basically women are DEGENERATE, like the J’s. DEGENERATE in the way they have secs, the degenerate fake pseudo “relationships” they have which make a DEGENERATE MOCKERY of human relationships, human dignity. these degenerates have no dignity, they spit in the face of dignity and Goodness, the same way Da Joos want to boil Jesus Christ Alive in a cauldron of Shit and Piss and Jizz. its disgusting and pure evil. you don’t treat people like this. it’s not overt like beating the shit out of somebody, and in a way, beating the shit out of somebody is BETTER. kinder. less evil. the evil these women do is basically Emotional TORTURE. and you have to be a sick j00ish SADIST to TORTURE people!!!!!! like god damn j00 eli roth making “TORTURE PORN” movies.

THE FOOKING RELATIONSHIPS WOMEN HAVE ARE “TORTURE PORN!!!!” 

moreso than these eli roth films, the term torture porn would better describe the sick, twisted relationshits these women have. torturous because its painful and horrifying and nightmarish. porn because it’s a sick degenerate mockery of secs and luv – making the sacred profane and making a mockery of the dignity of human life. 

i guess after being abandoned and used as a cvm dumpster, the women are gonna try to ruin men the same way they feel ruined. there is this mutiilation album called “remains of a lost, dead, cursed, ruined soul” or something hahahaha and that is how I view women. and that is what they want to turn the people they meet into.  lost dead cursed ruined souls

what else. talk to this recruiter tomorrow morning, gotta get up early and go thru traffic. damn.

got an email from “the mutual friend”, ie the person who was friends with both me and That Woman, and That Woman and I used to meet up with this mutual friend and chit chat together. I am still on good terms with the mutual friend, well, emailing them back and forth. I told them the whole sad story and thankfully did not overwhlem them with those long emails, because the mutual friend is touching base with me again. and i have not blubbered any sadguy shit about that woman. I won’t mention that woman again unless the mutual friend asks.

I think That Woman is avoiding the mutual friend as well. I think the mutual friend might have appreciated a long email from That Woman, like I sent long emails to the mutual friend. but good luck getting that woman to TALK TO YOU. The best you’ll get is a damn text saying “hope your doing good lol yes of course well hang out soon <3”

and thats the best your* gonna get! and if you want her to ACTUALLY hang out, then your* being pushy hahahaha.

also I wanted to say, I’ve been listening to moar goatwh0re and IM SORRY all the mean things I said about their singer ben.

I’m SORRY if I said anything bad about their “new” drummer as of “a haunting curse” because he is a very very good drummer. he’s just different than the first drummer, who I grew up with.

that is, I recently brought “a huanting curse” back out and thoroughly enjoyed it. that was the album where I started losing track of the band. But I really shouldn’t have. Its a good album and I enjoy it now more than I did when it came out in 2006/7.

so now the time is right for me to try the 3 albums which came AFTER that!

But I will say about ben: another pet peeve I have is that hes in there TOO MUCH. cramming every beat of every song with damn lyrics.

these eyes bleed as they watch this desecreation of this abominable abortion upon this eve of the sadistic moon whereupon these grave-vermin reflect these perversions towards these smoldering oblivions of this constricted defiling crumbling this decay.

I mean you could write a PROGRAM to write these lyrics, JUST SAYIN hahahaha.

but SOME of the lyrics are good.

And Bens voice is good too. I can’t fault him for being TOO ambitious, can I???!?!?!?!

He is a very commanding singer, so he is ALWAYS singing. writing a 6000000 page BOOK of lyrics for every song. IMHO this is not necessary, and it ultimately distracts from sammy’s guitar. Ben is technically good, but he’s just TOO MUCH. Ben is good but Sammy is better. His stream of catchy, evil riffs is so satisfying that you sometimes just want to say SHUT UP BEN just so you can hear more of sammys riffs hehehehehe. He was dfeinitely influential on my own attempts at songwriting. One of my fav metal guitarists for SURE. an excellent metal songwriter. ANd BLATHERIN BEN just gets in the way of it. I would take Ben aside and give him Constructive Criticism in the form of a feedback sandwich: You’ve got a great voice and a lot of good lyrics, you just need to take a breather once in a while. LESS IS MORE BEN. LESS IS MORE. And stop saying this so much. let sammy sing more and let sammy write more lyrics and let sammy proofread your lyrics and just be quiet and let sammy’s riffs be heard. Don’t you think Sammy  is an Outstanding Riffmaster? Don’t you just want to sit back and admire Sammy’s awesome riffs? so do we ben, so do we.  but we appreciate everything you’ve done. you’re a decent guy and I even had your PARALYSIS album on TAPE. Why don’t you bring back those cookie monster vocals sometimes too? but don’t cram the song with them from beginning to end. try not to sing for more than 70% of the songs duration. not every riff needs vocals on top of it.  LESS IS MORE.

thats what i would say to him.

and on a haunting curse sammys sweet riffs are on full display, but this album was where it became harder for me to fully appreciate them because of ol blathering ben yak yak yaking away.

it is also possible sammy’s awesome riff ratio went down there, but I’d rather not think that.

ok i gotta do a powerwalk here.

anyway all that hateful stuff i was saying about women……that is part of muh cognitive distortions. women arent really THAT bad, and not all women are THAT bad. even the worst women arent AS bad as satanic j00ish monsters hahahaha. which isnt to say women cannot get poisoned by satanic j00ish monsters!

i mean theres not a j00 within 10 miles of here but they still poison us through the televitz and the media and cultcha in general!

cuz its not like young women are watching hours of tv a day. but they are texting away on shitty torture porn pseudo relationshits all day hahahaha.

but yeah not all women are even satanic horrible demons. even she isnt. although what she did a demon would have no problem doing. heck she probably does feel bad about it! well maybe she felt bad about it for a week and then GOT OVER IT hahahaha.

i mean look the mutual friend who sends me nice email. SHE is a woman! and shes very nice, and STILL nice to me! of course she is a 55 year old woman and I am not in LUV with her!

but yeah its always hard to get through the end of a rel, and a broken heart, especially when you are the one whose heart was broken and you didnt want the rel to end AND it ended in a bad way. like that phaggy song says, when a heart breaks it dont break even hahaahhahahaha. meaning her heart didnt break at all.

bitcoin is SOARING TO THE MOON. I don’t have much left, I have been selling it back for ZOGbux hahaha. I sold 60$ of it at once, but I didn’t think it would CONTINUE soaring as high as it has. I thought it would start doing some bearish shit by now.

is it because china is buying up tons of btc right now? i dunno.

should I not be selling? well i have already sold 85% of muh coinz.

ok better go to bed, get up early and talk to the recruiter. at least this is a white guy and not a damn indian hahaha. tell him no call centers. tell him i got a 60% chance at getting a Day Shift, Weekends Off job less than 5 miles from my home. No Call Center. BEAT THAT, PHAGGOT hahahahaha.  although I really have more like a 0.0000000000000000001% chance of getting that job hahaha.  damn shabbos goy slave to da jooz.

CVMDERPANTZ

yeah i am the INVENTOR of that word, along with other similarly horrible words containing “cvm” where they normally don’t.

mar 23 sund

yeah lemme just reiterate, thorazine is bad, don’t do thorazine. actually it didn’t do much of anything. i had a search for “alprazolam satanic”, not sure exactly what they were thinking. prob that xanax is a tool of satan. well depending how devout you are, everything is a tool of satan, lord of this world.  everything from coffee to aspirin to tylenol to nyquil to prozac to fentanol to thorazine to Vape Ecigs to Decadent Gluttonous Foodz.

which is a tenable point, and of course even those nutjobs have a logic, and of course Xanax would be a bigger/worse tool of satan than say 1 cigarette, no one’s arguing against that! because it has a measurable impact on your behavior and your will and your thoughts and your decision making.

but doesn’t satan also put the anxiety there in the first place? so xanax might indeed be a tool of god? well the real tool of god is prayer and courage, and xanax is the CRUTCH provided by SATAN as an EASY WAY OUT. stupid f00king religion hehehehehe.

say i as I just got back from Church!

played like 5 hours of Poker yesterday, came out about 5 dollars ahead, thus a win rate of 1 dollar per hour. not bad, as long as it’s a positive number I’m happy. Plus I came out WAY ahead and had some good days recently, like winning 20 dollars in one hour. instead of bad beats, big wins. starting to close the gap of muh losses. don’t worry, you will know when I break even. hopefully I break even! God Willing!

was reading “harrington on holdem” because its the only poker book i have while waiting for “poker for dummies” to arrive. harrington seems like a great guy but the stuff is still imcomprehensible as f00k and I really need it dumbed down more. I still can’t grasp Outs and Hand Odds, however Pot Odds seems relatively straightfwd. yeah its the size of the pot vs how much you have to call to get into it….but how do you work that? is that just preflop? what if you have TERRIBLE cards but good pot odds? what is considered good pot odds? I think if your odds of winning are better than the pot odds, then you call and not fold. or the other way around, hehehe.

well, i find it real hard to turn down pot odds of 4 to 1 even on a sh1tty hand, but it usually does not go above 3.5. also if I don’t feel comfortable calling however much it is, then I fold. Also I think if you get a bad flop on your not so good cards, then that also impacts things. unless you can possibly win on the turn or river, then you need to calculate THOSE odds of hitting those outs, versus the new pot odds.

well, since i have time, of course i am keeping an eye on the bitcoin, esp as it approaches a 3 or 4 month low, meaning, should prob buy right? so watching the graphs and the “trollbox” of people giving their opinions. some say it will crash even lower when china bans btc. or that it will soar to the moon after april 8. really speculative hehehe. i somehow bought a bit recently so I am just gonna wait. if it crashes then I buy some more.

also invested in 1 Litecoin at about 15.50 USD per. used btc-e exchange to buy ltc with btc. just get ONE and see how it performs. remember, like 6 months ago BITCOIN was ALSO at about 15 dollars!

of course, with bitcoin crashing, then i have to WIN MORE at the bitcoin casino in order to make up for the money i have lost only due to the value of btc going down since I bought it!

really won’t go hogwild on litecoin, i figure 1 is enough. would it ever start to soar? maybe if china bans btc….. hehehehe

mar 24 12.21 am

note: if you download the Litecoin client to do a hard drive wallet, and this seems to be the best choice as I cannot find a great online ltc wallet, it will be at least 2 gb and take foreeeeeeeeeever to sync/download and I am debating whether it will be really worth it since i have only like 50 gb free anyway.

played waaaay too much poker, 2 windows open, started out ahead after a decent pot, then got cleaned out in an epic 3 way showdown of 3 all ins, lost 15 chips, back to 0, good lord. i had KK, one guy had AA, other guy had 88 and 88 WON on a trips or full house. not too surprising, hehehehe.

spent like 4 hours after that trying to get back to even. did not. lost money on the other table too. all in all about -8 chips for the day. which is like 4 dollars. now i am just playing 1 table hehehe. if you want to try to actually make money you’ve got to play 2 at least, many people play at least 4 tables at once.

saw an old friend today, that was good, gotta do that more regularly.

heh. there are people that drop out of law skool or phd programs to Play Poker Professional. People with much better Math Minds than I, like the famed david sklansky. he had it MADE, graduating from UPenn (Ivy, Elite) with like a math degree, passing actuary exam at age 20, moved right into actuary job where he excelled and came up with new stuff, GUARANTEE he was making good money, and then decided to play poker professionally because actuary work was too restrictive and not challenging enough. wtf.

yeah i can tell u that actuary IS a great career path.i also hear it is Super Stressful and SUPER hard to pass those exams, and prob biased in favor of ppl from elite skools like UPenn. It is a LOT of work, hehehe.

in other words, he wasn’t forced into a Life Of Poker because he couldn’t get a steady stable job elsewhere, hehehehe.

hehehehe there is always getting rich on Bitcoin Speculation if Gambling doesn’t work out, hahahaha.

GOD CAN WORK THRU SATAN AND B3NZ0S

sat jan 11 2014, 3:13 pm

almost felt like taking a nap. got a 10 hour day on monday and then 8 hour days tues thru fri. so 2 hours of OT. I am kinda happy the OT is being cancelled but everyone else is not, then want as much OT as possible so as to make monay. I would prefer not to deal with the stress. could probably still make more money GAMBLING. don’t think I’ve forgotten that little get rich quick scheme! Texas Holdem.

Watch the Show “Regular Show”, it is very funny and neat and is guaranteed to put you in a better mood. “Adventure Time” is VERY f4ggy though, I do not recommend it, unless you want to become a 30 year old kissless virgin! besides, KISSING grills is overrated, unless you are in TRUE LOVE with her, like I was with Girl7. Pedestal. and in that case the kissing might be ok, but it is outweighed by the suckiness when it all comes crashing down.

heh. the real bad part is that if Girl7 contacted me out of the blue right now and said that she wanted to Give Me Another Chance, I would TOTALLY let her. WELL, I would say first, listen you know I’m still in LOVE with you and I want to MAKE OUT with you, so uh, realize that by you wanting to hang out with me, you are implying to me that you will let me indeed make out with you, and hopefully moar. No Friendzone For me, baby. And then see what she says after that, hahaha.

sun jan 12 2014.

got home from church, prepping music player with some satanic music i’ve been hankering, hehehe. i enjoy those kinds of contradictions. i use satanic music to glorify god through my appreciation of music. perhaps god is able to find a way to work through satan, just to confound satan.

did some nice friendly socializing last night, that was much appreciated, and cut down on the stress and worrying. he thought I seemed stressed out, strange, because I didn’t feel too stressed when I got there, I was just probably talking more, as I’ve had to talk a lot more in the new job. so he offered me an Atavan, i think it was 5 mg, 1 very small tablet. The actual name was Lorazepam, which sounds like a benzo, I said is this Lortab, No he said it was Atavan.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam

ok it is Ativan, which is a strong benzo. I was feeling pretty chill after taking that 1 pill. not bad. I wonder if my speech was becoming slightly slurred, however I WAS extremely tired before I went over and did not have time to take a nap. this prob exacerbated the effect of the lorazepam. but yeah I chilled out quick and got very tired. heh. should take one of these before going out to take calls!

but yeah i read the warnings, this one is strong, addictive, habit forming, tolerance building, etc, so in MY medical docker opinion, I would only want to take a teensy bit to unwind on weekends, or take no more than once every other day, so you never have a chance to build up a tolerance. his Rx was written for 1 tablet twice a day. Heh. I would say ONE table ONCE every TWO days.

so that was interesting, especially since I have been thinking about convincing my doc to give me xanax or valium or a benzo or ativan…. i guess xanax is stronger than valium; not sure if ativan is stronger than xanax.

“Ativan has a longer half life than xanax. It doesn’t affect you quite as hard or as quickly. So ativan may be a better medication for you than xanax. That’s the case with lots of people. It’s still a benzo and very addictive so be careful. God bless.”

“Ativan isn’t necessarily better than xanax. They are for different purposes. Xanax is better for panic attacks as it works quickly and its effects are strong. Ativan works more slowly and is better for general anxiety disorder.”

source http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-drugs/ativan-stronger-than-xanax-53485.html

yeah got WORK tomorrow but not nearly as worried about it as I was last weekend, wonder why hehehe. might still be feeling the effects of that ativan. yep. definitely no more than one tab every other day, or once a week is more like it.  but it’s great not to be nervous! now will go outside and enjoy a nice powerwalk with some nice music while it is warmish and sunny! Nice! THANK GOD!

YET ANOTHER RELIGIOUS POST

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!! HOPE you are spending it in gratitude and/or w your families.

for me it is dec 15 2013 and I am writing this in advance.

so I went to church and saw the big-boned big blond girl which the girl in muh dream was partially based off of, see immediately previous post. I saw her and from 20 feet away muh D had taken notice. that is when you KNOW you are S’ually attracted to the gurl. I wanted to grab her all over and have her sit on muh face for hours and days and weeks and years. she was wearing inappropriately tight pants like all gurls do nowadays, which fetished her bodacious buttocks, which were round and huge, and all I could think about all Mass long was them on muh face.

then I thought, well, I’m a Natural Man, it is just Natural Law for me to be attracted to young healthy gurls, however God gave me the power to Rise Above, so I tried to think of her as a Child Of God, and just imagined me doing wholesome things with her, like hanging out and hugging and cuddling, although I’m pretty sure Making Out is considered a sin punishable by God with an eternity of torture.

So God’s punishing you for rejecting him essentially. This would be like me punishing all those GURLS who rejected me, by an eternity of me raeping them. Seems kinda EVIL and ABUSIVE, amirite? Christians want to submit to an Evil Abusive Slavemaster, eh?

then I figured that couldn’t be a correct interpretation.

I was reading a Catholic magazine the other day that was pretty hardcore and was basically talking about how everything I like, from young girls to music, is a tool of satan, and needs to be rejected if I am to accept God. Then I thought, well, I can’t do ANYTHING, you might as well SLEEP ALL DAY and WAIT TO DIE if EVERYTHING is a SIN that is not approved by GOD.

It’s not like I listen to evil satanic music all the time! So I enjoy a little black metal and death metal! BIG DEAL! I only listen to a lot of music 2 days out of the week or so, and I listen to other types of music during that time too! JEEZ! GET UP OFF ME!

So yeah it IS VERY possible to develop this hostile, passive aggressive, bitter, resentful Relationship with God, because you feel like he’s Demanding Too Much of you, and you have no choice but to be coerced, because He Controls Your Afterlife. But you’re not happy about all your favorite hobbies being MORTAL SINS. Or of you never being GOOD ENOUGH to gain God’s Favor. That you literally need to be crawling on your hands and needs your WHOLE LIFE begging for forgiveness for being a wretched sinner, that’s what your GOD wants out of you. It isn’t enough to be a wretched loser who has wasted his potential and can’t get a good job or a good mate! now you can’t even blow off steam listening to some Metal or thinking about a cute young gurl sitting on yer face! wtf CAN you do? wtf ISN’T a sin? Sleeping all day and just waiting to die?

and you look at the proud european pagans and think, they didn’t live like this! They were strong and proud and they still believed in compassion and morality that was 80% in line with CHristianity, except with just the lame slave parts taken out!

Did you know the Dalai Lama is an evil tool of SATAN who is leading people away from Christ with all his talk of zen and chillness and meditation and buddha?

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE!!!

Even when the Christian God sounds like the BIGGEST DBAG that ever existed, and clearly one of the SH1TTIEST religions to choose….but you don’t HAVE a choice! This is the right one, and that’s that or you’re damned to hell forever! and not a boring purgatory hell, but a painful torturous Event Horizon hell!

THe only way it could be worse is if you were a MUSLIM. It would even be better being a JEW – at least they are rich and successful winners, and are allowed to bang tons of grills.

Of course I may be Interpreting the Christian God wrong. But I can assure you, I have had MORE education/research in Christianism than a good 90% of Christians!!!!

Is it REALL better than being an ATHEIST? Actually probably yes, atheists just suck THAT much, hahaha. Prob even more than Muslims.

Anyway, when I am starting muh new job, I can also assure you I will be saying 9000000000 hail marys to help get me through, that really DOES work, so that is one good thing about the christian god.

but yeah. when you first read about the dalai lama, you say, DAMN, THIS guy gets it, this guy understands, I wish MY religion were more like this, this is WAY better than Christianity. And what is Christianity’s Response to your very valid concern: ignore that guy, he’s a tool of satan meant to lead you astray. and that is a bridge too far for many christians. i mean, we have SOME faith to believe in a god, but HOW MUCH and How Ridiculous of A Faith do we Need to have??

But yeah We Christians have good days and bad days. Nobody STRUGGLES with the faith like christians. because it is not supposed to be EASY.

however I am also obsessed with “Natural Law”, ie, what makes men, women, etc. And sometimes Natural Law does go along with christian and sometimes it doesn’t.

ANYWAY, don’t get too angry if you are not getting along with God too well right now, like I say, it’s not easy, maybe sleep on it and tomorrow will be better, and hope you don’t die and go to hell during your sleep because you weren’t absolved of your mortal sins.

Just be thankful you have a Full Time JOB, and if you don’t, then it’s time to get on your knees and start praying.  WANTS vs NEEDS. A Full Time Job is a NEED, a Cute Gurl is a WANT.

OK next post will prob be less religion oriented.