LIFE IS CHEAP

apri 21

https://www.gq.com/story/my-mom-ran-my-tinder

http://archive.is/thKyY

this was linked on recent fatherland, im sure its ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING

met with staffing agency recruiter today, had first thing even remotely like an interview in 9.4 MONTHS of being a shitbum neet loser!!!!!

took some skills tests on prove it dot com including finally some actual excel simulations. it asked really stupid stuff that i couldnt REMEMBER how to do. like center the worksheet on a printout or where such and such feature was buried. I cheated by looking on google a couple times. I am worried that I did it too SLOWLY to pass. I do not know if i get to see my results. they just tell the recruiter that I am bad at excel. though  I told her I knew about lookups and index match, hahahaha.  didnt have to do those on the simulation though. just sum and avg hahahahaha. there was a pivot table in there.

its degenerate for a 26 year old man to be 4 years removed from a serious relship. (as in the stupid gq article above.) and especially a 26 year old woman!!!

read the article. i mean yeah the son is degenerate and he should let his mother find him a good girl. but he lives in NYC which is a degenerate city and all young men and women are degenerates. and then his stupid UNDEFINED relationship with the woman at the end. its degenerate to not define relationships. either youre friends or youre not. either youre f00king or youre not. He doesnt say they are fooking but I am sure they are. he does say they are NOT dating. not dating but fooking. undefined friends with benefits. a 26 year old man dating a THIRTY year old “girl.”  well this guy is fooked. he has a well meaning mother but it sounds like his father let the mother dominate. but it sounded pretty benign. the kid clearly has no moral compass. well, his mother is the closest thing. he should have let her continue to use his tinder. maybe met MORE THAN ONE woman. meet at least TEN women your mother found for you. and he as a FT job as a GQ writer at age 26 writing gay articles about ONE date his mother set up? i bet he has got to be freelance or contract or part time. not making anywhere near 20 grand a year writing for a big glossy magazine like gq. for that he makes less than a help desk call center worker. he makes less than you. think about that.

not sure what fatherland will say about it, hopefully something similar to that. i mean just say it. these 20 somethings living in NYC are all fooking degenerate with very atomized and cheap relationshits.

in other words, I think tinder is much less degenerate in Flyover Country.

Wore new blue jacket and unstriped white shirt, and new red tie. looked pretty good. shaved beard. coat was a LITTLE big, but not terrible. spent most of my time filling out forms of stuff they could have easily included on the online forms I filled out the day before.

Met with the woman, who was my age or a LITTLE bit younger hahaha. It was VERY distracting because there was another recruiter talking to another candidate in the next cubicle. I could essentially hear the recruiter interviewer the candidate while I filled out my forms. He was ok but asked some hard hitting questions, but the woman candidate was alot more experienced and superior to me, hahaha.

my recruiter was not intimidating and I did ok. Also its kinda good it felt more Informal and Small Time, than a bigass interview with a CEO asking really tough questions.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/

certification board for call centers.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/call-center-newsresources/calltalk-online-radio-show/calltalk-archive

they even have a podcast hahahaha featuring the ceo of benchmark.

again this is more useful for managers i think, than for level 1 peasants or even level 2. but it might have some usefulness to the level 1 person that feels like they are not being trained appropriately, and might make them more confident at their job.

learning position is code for: you will be overwhelmed with new shit all the time and you should study at least 2 hours a day AFTER work so you can keep up and do the bare minimum hahahaha. but those expectations wont be explained to you. so I will explain them to you now.

fook. that woman doesnt treat her job as a learning position.

its just SAD. we are both decent people who were PUSHED to do less than admirable things. I pushed her. She kinda pushed me. we both overreacted and acted stupidly and shamefully. and the feeling that lingers in the end, now that I have gained some sense of Calm and Perspective, is just straight up SADNESS. that this just sucks. there is no silver lining. I didnt want her out of my life. My life was better with her in it. and she is never coming back.  so its like learning to live after your beloved wife of 50 years has died. you didnt want her to go. you KNOW you cant replace her.

same here. I didnt want her to leave. I still want her to come back. I know no one can replace her. I wish she felt the same about me hahahaha. Well maybe the silver lining is, I get a new suit and a new job that isnt in a call center hahahaha. the thing the recruiter is looking at pays less than I was making though. fook it. as long as SHE isnt there, and it isnt a CALL CENTER, its WORTH IT.

well the recruiter temp client is a mortgage insurance underwriting type place and they do have an Excellent call center, but I told muh recruiter that I am not the best fit for a Call Center job at this time. Hopefully she understands this, unlike the other recruiter who, after 2 attempts, has not seemed to get the message that I do not want their call center job, and they think I will be showing up to their Call Center Help Desk job in a few weeks hahaha.

you email them so they have a record hahahaha that they dont have when you call, right???!?!?!?!

Well I also dont want to be a no call no show and appears that I have Voluntarily Quit that agency hahaha. I’m just not accepting that Call Center Job. Find me another hahahaha.

heres what I did: i gave the actual person (other recruiter that I actually met with haha. Why didnt the first recruiter just have me MEET with them? I kind of appreciate the personal touch hahaha.) a one page resume AND a two page resume. gave them the choice.

this recruiter used skill tests from “prove it” kenexa

the other one

http://www.findly.com/solutions/skillcheck-assessments/

used findly skillcheck tests.

heh. i was nervous before going in but i wasnt super nervous while talking to them, probably because the setting was so informal and it was distracting, and maybe in a good way, to have the “open office” and hear other people have conversations right around the corner. so that actually helped me.

but yeah. that woman. its just so sad. we both snapped in different ways. i acted out, and she totally shut down. and a beautiful long term rel was instantly terminated. pulled the plug.

well she didnt want to go where i wanted to go. i just wish she hadnt been so disgusted by the idea that she couldnt even respond to me. overwhelmed or not. then send an email a month later. have someone else contact me for you. nope. absolutely NOTHING. show you cared about me and that YOU are sad too, that will show me I meant something to you. because when you are close friends like that, it HAS to mean something.

so yeah they have a call center for…..its like an intersection between mortgage and insurance. they sell “lender placed insurance” products. so i guess the lender, ie the mortager, buys insurance from this company. i think. its confusing of course but as long as I am not getting slammed with questions from Mortgage Lenders and especially Mortgage Debtors, I might be able to survive.

I mean these agents and underwriters need to PASS TESTS.

so my concern is that Im able to do complicated insurance stuff where I have no idea what is right and what is wrong. Wrong looks right to me! It’s not obvious, like Sexual Morality! Being a huge slut who jumps into casual sex is OBVIOUSLY wrong. when youre looking at a bunch of insurance shit, or fooking technical computer shit for that matter, its hard to tell if its right or wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortgage_servicer

this not the same as the loan originator hahahaha. who may SOMETIMES sell the servicing rights to fannie mae, who now becomes the servicer. ok.

” Allegations included foreclosures being processed with missing or questionable paperwork (including paperwork showing proper chain of title on the part of the investment bank), falsifying dates and other information in foreclosure documents and “robo-signing,” the practice of paying under-qualified personnel to sign hundreds or thousands of foreclosure documents a day, often without properly reviewing the documents.[5]   ”

robo signing hahaha I could see myself getting into some of that! doing shady unethical gotcha j00ish take the money and run shit that you dont even understand hahahaha. you dont even KNOW youre screwing people. just sign this. oh you didnt read the fine print goy. YOU AGREED TO THIS WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT GOY.

when you didnt really agree to shit because it was impossible to understand hahaha.

PRINCE died today? holy shit. obviously I have not been watching news since like 11 am.

people on twitter are so stupid and black hahahaha. i am just looking at top hashtags. once was for prince dying, but the top one was for Amy, a 15 year old black gurl beaten to death at a skool while other people recorded it for a viral video. they say gurls were fighting over some Boy. probably some alpha male black thug who had casually fooked tons of 15 year old high school gurls, hahahaha. theyre black AND degenerate. not all blacks are degen but most are.

but yeah i can appreciate prince even though he is degenerate too. had some good songs. I would not minded have seeing a concert. never did. now never will.

was of course curious how he died. age 57. didnt really look like it. was skinny. maybe he did coke. wouldnt be surprised.

i mean yeah you say what what did he do recently. he was releasing like an album a year thats what. he was one of those guys. and i guess now that hes dead they will go back and inflate the ratings of his last 20 albums nobodys ever heard of hahaha.

but yeah its sad shit. i still want that woman in my life and i am still Grieving. I didnt want her to leave. I sure didnt want it to end like that. I wanted to Share The Passages of My Life with her. grow old with her haha. this was clearly the type of luv that lifelong luv is built from. i dont want to marry someone or have children with someone unless it feels like that. it wouldnt be fair to THEM hahaha.  and its so hard to believe I will ever meet somebody that perfect ever again. hahaha no she wasnt perfect but i accepted all her faults.

just such a difficult complicated situation. seems tailor made to be as difficult to get over as possible hahaha. I cant hate her, i cant blame her, i cant stop wanting her, its just sad sad sad sad for months and months and years. no anger, i forgive her, i just cant stop wanting her, my life is diminished without her, its just a long time of suffering and pain and grief.

maybe she will go on tinder and sell herself CHEAP. maybe she wont. it could go either way. maybe she wont. and that makes it even harder. knowing that an honestly decent amazing special important woman has just decided that she is better off without you and has you surgically removed from her life like a TUMOR or an aborted fetus.

wish i had a harvard masters degree like peter steele and could get a sweet job with the NYC parks department hahaha. shit he might have even got a PENSION from that job. and if he could be a bipolar alcoholic and hold down the job, anybody could!

also I think he was working there when he wrote the early TON albums and possibly the carnivore stuff. in other words, he was writing REALLY GOOD albums while FT working at a sweet job. now thats a good life!

but he always had trouble with women it seemed. picking the worst women. or maybe the worst women picked him and he was powerless to resist them. i mean women pick men not the other way around. but if any man had SOME semblance of CHOICE, it would be a tall sexy man like him.

april 22

two typing/clerical/assessment tests tomorrow for city / muni jobs tomorrow. hopefully that puts me in some kind of POOL for future consideration and I dont have to take a 2 hour test for every single city job I apply for.

but again I kinda like the tests better than the interviews. no kinda about it. yes i do much prefer the tests. because i am better at tests than interviews. i got an A in calculus 2 hahahaha and computer science 2 and accounting 2.

I’m also jealous of all these people that have BALLS OF STEEL to be able to HACK IT in the call center, when I was not.

And thats the funny thing. she doesnt particularly have BALLS OF STEEL. she runs away from tough conversations. there were plenty of nice, soft people there who werent particularly TOUGH drill seargeant types. my male friend there was a very sensitive unmasculine untough super friendly guy. how do all of them have the super confidence needed to survive at a CALL CENTER hahaha.

in other words, maybe I can survive the call center when SHES not there. probably thats right, I could.

so I SHOULDNT be turning down this well paying call center job Im being offered with TempAgency01.

But I just sent a THIRD email to the recruiter hahaha. this time cc’ed the other manager on the project who is possibly higher up and or more connected to the client than the recruiter is.

i am worried this will blacklist me from ANY jobs with this agency, but it will probably blacklist me less than a no call no show. but I already sent two damn emails saying the same

awww sheeit now I got a CALL from that recruiter saying that maybe I am misunderstanding and I should go to the training at least to get a better idea. I said thank you for the concern and the clarification, I did have a not so great experience at a Call Center and I really don’t want to return to that environment.

so they are having me speak to a lead recruiter who should be calling me right baout now to discuss more details of the job.

i guess the best i can do is be honest about what i didnt like about muh old job. be brutally honest and  also how i can still be a good boy for the staffing agency if i ragequit this assignment hahahaha.

i wonder if she called me because i cc’d the other person hahaha. that got her attention REAL QUICK.

and i wonder if they are being so nice to me because they are salespeople trying to close the deal, get me in the job, equals commission for them.

ok fine they talked me into it. both of the women were very nice hahaha. i could be sold into my own death by nice acting women hahahaha. but the Lead Recruiter was very well recommended on linkedin and went to a good college hahahahaha. and was very good on the phone.

Also I know better than to send emails or make calls at 4:50 pm on a friday hahahaha. or any day really. all my communication with them was finished before 2 pm. on friday hahahaha.

well…shit starts in 10 days. 10 days i start making money, answering calls in the call center. have to last at least a year to not look like a job hopper hahahaha.

well heres the thing. I could probably still use the Temp Agency to find a temp job at least.

if it turns out That Woman is now working at this place, I can say to the temp, yep not a good fit, find me something else. Cuz for like 4 months at least I would be technically employed by the temp, not the client.

Shit they talked me into it. I mean its good money, and if I can survive, it COULD be a good confidence builder. I WAS getting more confident at my stupid help desk call center job BEFORE things started getting bad with the woman. then THAT decreased my confidence for work related matters, and was a terrible vicious circle which simply would not exist at this new place.

it is a huge place which the recruiter assured me had won award for excellence for the past 8 years hahaha.

well this usually means they have really good METRICS. really i dont give a SHIT about metrics, i care about really, honestly, genuinely FIXING shit and giving good advice to people. period. and if it costs too much to fix the shit, I will tell them that, but my level 2s need to tell ME that, so I have an idea of what kind of shit is too expensive to fix.

there was terrible COMMUNICATION at the last place. between levels, between departments, between locations, between us and the callers.

heh. kinda like the terrible communication between me and her.

oh shit i gotta take clerical tests tomorrow.

also, if I can survive at this job, it would be a great boost of CONFIDENCE which I would REALLY appreciate. Also it would allow me to essentially get good “revenge” on her, meaning: my confidence wasnt so permanently destroyed by her, that I couldn’t even work in that FIELD ever again. that is: i can do the WORK, i just dont want to be around HER. I dont want my crazy reaction to HER to destroy my WORK SKILLS.

well im taking a big risk to prove something to myself. and what if i fail and break down again hahaha.

well at least i TRIED. then I REALLY know I should stay away from the call center.

but I DID IT BEFORE!!!!

and SHES DOING IT NOW!!!!!!!!

tons of people who are NOT VERY SMART and NOT VERY TOUGH are doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!

and i still have plenty of valium. and half the 10 people they are hiring are black hahahaha. i hate being inferior to blacks, and i especially hate being inferior to women who have harshly dumped me.

ok ok ok if its super horrible, I will use the temp agency to find an easy data entry job that pays like 12 DAH. noting in my cover letter my desire to get out of my job as soon as possible, will take a big pay cut, just get me out of there.

god damn. just received rejection letter from like a 13 dollar an hour county office clerk job. I was cautiously optimistic on that one. no interview. no tests. just a rejection. shit i think all jobs should have all their seekers take some kind of damn skills test. excel, word, customer service, decision making. then call in the people who did well on the tests.

give it a try for 6 months, and if i dont like it, i can blow my brains out then hahahahahahhahahahaha.

no i am kidding. i will just ragequit and then beg one of these two temp agencies for a Data Entry job for 10 bucks an hour. available immediately. i really cant handle call centers.

maybe make a contact with one of the black techs to buy MJ from them hahahahaha.

i am absolutely sure people from my old job left there to go to this job. but i cant remember who. i know one guy was THINKING of leaving, went to the training, and then ultimately decided to stay with our shitty job. i dont know why. he was a nice guy but i think the job was getting to him and he was becoming stressed and despairing. he was always shy and quiet and as time went on he became more shy and quiet in the bad way.  he had a useless degree in journalism or some shit with tons of student loans. he deserved much better even though he was a damn dirty leftist bernie voting swpl antiracist white guy hahaha. as things at work got more ridiculous, he channeled his rage into growing an absolutely ridiculous nietzscheesqe moustache which I complimented him on several times and which he accepted very awkwardly. he was very socially awkward even though he worked in a CALL CENTER and i think he also had a gurlfran. despite not being a masculine or charismatic man.  he was super skinny though. and not really tall. some gurls like super skinny guys. the worst is when you are not tall, but also not super skinny. like me. you have a potato shape and have to bust your ass not to bloat up into a potato. i will never be super skinny, i will have to WORK to not be Overweight. the curse of a potato body.

I mean I should give things TWO chances right? and this place will either be better, worse, or about the same, overall, as the old place. what is certain is that I will be making more money hahaha. And I had two recruiters encouraging me to go to the paid training after I had Frankly Expressed Reservations to both of them. So that really did convince me a bit.

But what if the other place calls me back soon? they might.

Well…..May 2nd, 10 days from now, a week from MONDAY, is the start date for the god damn job i am worried about. they said 17 DAH and I shouldnt be saying that, its confidential hahahaha. the other job is 13 DAH. however I am willing to give up 160 dollars a week, which is only 32 dollars a DAY goy. to have an easier, lower stress job.

weird feeling to express concerns about the job and then have somebody still encourage you to Try It. this is a JOB we’re talking about, not some weird exotic food. you would think, oh, you have the least bit of trepidation? ok then see ya, we’ll just find somebody who really wants it!

so to have someone offering you a job, you saying i really dont know, i dont like tech support call centers, i reallllllyyyyy dont know about this, and then saying come on, this one will be different, i dunno. i never had that happen before.

april 23

sheeeeit. spend a beautiful saturday taking assessment tests for municipal/city Clerk job. the first was a full time clerk job, 34k a year. there were about 40 people taking this test. it had 65 multiple choice questions and one “written portion”, where you simply write a revised edition of a rather unprofessionally written memo. no typing, no excel, no computers. they did the test with booklets and paper and pencils. The whole thing could have been done online, on your computer, which would have been more fair to the People rearranging their schedules to take the stupid test.

there were analogies, definitions of words. ambition is to success as intention is to _______. immediately I thought “action”, then looked at the choices. there was action and there was also decision. I thought, well, decision could work too. since technically it could go intention leads to decision which then leads to action.

i also realized i didnt know the meaning of “obligatory.” I didnt know if it meant necessary or unnecessary! I tink I was confusing it with “Gratuitous.” meaning something you dont HAVE to do, but it would be REALLY NICE if you DID do it, but not technically MANDATORY. well, turns out it IS mandatory. good thing I changed my answer to that.

there was a section with 11 sentences. you had to determine the order the sentences should go in. that was pretty tough.

stuff with putting numbers and words in order, all of them deliberately tricky, like 77.177 vs 71.117 etc.

checking the copy vs the original and saying are there 0,1,2,3 or 4 errors here.

http://www.saving.org/inflation/inflation.php?amount=1,000,000&year=1970

heh. try this inflation calculator. see how much 34000 is in 1970 dollars.

that took almost the full 2 hours. maybe 1 hour and 45 minutes. i figure 3 or 4 people out of 40 will get an interview. then one lucky prick gets the sweet 34k a year entry level job. that or they are just going through the motions and already know whose cousin or daughter is going to get the job hahahaha.

i was one of the last people to finish. hope they werent counting that against us. I am a really slow test taker. this is bad because slow is bad hahaha.

then I went and smoked a cig and waited for the next test to begin in like 30 minutes.

this was for a part time clerk job that pays 13 dollars an hour.

there was about 25 people taking this test. not that many people were taking both tests. there was a neet looking man taking the test for the 13 DAH PT job. he was wearing a SUIT and had a ponytail long hair and goatee. looked like a real help desk type. top speed video card in his gaming machine. must have forgot his fedora at home. prob has a darwin or FSM sticker on his foriegn car hahahaha

anyway he finished way before me. 90% of people finished before me. this test seemed even more ridiculous, especially considering what it was for. i think some people say FOOK THIS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME and just got up and left. why am I wasting 2 hours of a beautiful saturday, to try to get in the top 10% of this stupid ridiculous test, so I can have an interview, and have 70% chance of not getting, a 13 dollar an hour part job for prob no more than 25 hours a week?

there was like one sort of cute somewhat younger girl, maybe about 25. I should have Asked Her Out hahahaha but nobody was that social in the test taking room. anyway she finished WAY before me.

its not like I was finishing early and then taking a long time to double check answers. there was no double checking.

this one was 100 questions, no written portion. it probably was more excruciating than the first test…..and for a much worse paying job.

shit like:

HH: 555555SSSSS555555SS5S5S5S5S5S555S5S5SSS555SSSS5555SS

II: 5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS5555SSS55SS55S5S555SSSSS55555SS5S5

JJ: SSS5S5S5S5S555S555SSS555SS5S5S5S5555SS5S555SSS555SS55S

KK: 5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS555SSS5555SS5S5SS55S5S5S5S555S5S55SSS5

which set has the least number of 5’s?

which set has the highest number of S’s?

which 2 sets have equal numbers of 5’s?

that was especially ridiculous and I think might have signalled the start of FOOK THIS SHIT walkouts.

and then there were another 4 or 5 sets of 3’s and 8’s hahahaha.

all on very shitty xerox.

also sets of 4 or 5 numbers where you had to determine how many of them WERE exactly the same.

93745740 vs 93747540

04058261 vs 04058261

59204852 vs 59204852

29375041 vs 29357041

and so on.

and then you have to say two rows are exactly the same.

and then like 5 questions like that and you are starting to get dyslexic. if you’re not already dyslexic, and lots of people ARE, then you will be.

but if you are even a little dyslexic, you will not pass this test. no 13 dollar an hour, 25 hour a week job for you, ya dyslexic loser!!!!

also took almost the full 2 hours on this one. there was about 2 or 3 out of 25 people still there when i left.

its just funny. 13 dollars an hour was 4.20 an hour in 1980.  did you have rooms of 25 people taking a ridiculous 100 question test, of which the 3 or 4 highest scores get an interview, and one lucky prick gets that cadillac job, did it work like that in 1980?

shit. now im hoping temp agency 2 calls me back with the 13 dollar an hour “data entry” job rather than forcing me to take the 17 dollar an hour Call Center job, hahahaha.  i’ll do it for 12 dollars hahaha.

trying to psych myself up to do social appearance at pub tonight, saturday night. it would be nice gesture for the guy’s birthday. but it gets so busy there on weekends, like really packed. and people might pressure me to do karaoke like everyone else. im not against doing karaoke but i cant decide a god damn song. i mean it helps if you do a song everybody knows. not fooking weird carnivore and type o negative songs hahaha.

but i am kinda curious if there will be any qt gurls there, there probably will be. and i have a morbid obsession that That Woman might be there, even though she never went to bars, which was part of why i liked her. But she has good chance of becoming more slutty and social now. prob going out to bars and going out wiht all her new friends.

but this is not a well known bar, i think i mentioned it to her once and she had never heard of it. but maybe she goes there. its not well known, its kind of in the middle of nowhere, but on weekend it gets PACKED with white rednecks, my type of people in other words.

heh. times like this i wish I could still drink. like get drunk on a saturday night once in a while. like normies do!

maybe if i didnt have to drive.

or if i lived in amsterdam or colorado and could just order a fat spliff instead of drinking hahaha.

do they do recreational MJ in washington state?

washington dc its allowable, you just cant SELL it. so you have to GIVE it to people. be like here’s your free bag of weed and your 50 dollar……candy bar. cup of coffee.

recreational marijuana use is fully legal in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington and the District of Columbia.

i mean it will probably happen in my state in the next 10 years.

i mean there is a less than 1% chance the woman will be at this bar. but chances are she is fooking new guys who want her to go out to new places. but even when she was fooking her short term n199er bf who she was in love with, she didnt want to go to parties and bars with him, which is prob part of why he cheated on her hahahaha.  well i didnt think cheating was even possible when nobody owns each other hahaha.

empco. that was the name of the company that did the second test today. can’t remember anything on the first test. i think it was a diff company from the looks of it.

WHY call in 20 to 40 people for one day only, print up dozens of test booklets, etc, when they could have done ALL this online? because that would have made the barrier to entry lower. the people who didnt WANT it as bad could have still conveniently taken the test.

but isnt it CHEAPER to do it online, i mean for the employer?

so why not do something thats cheaper?

you would be amazed that for harping about cutting costs and increasing productivity and efficiency, many companies do things that are BLATANTLY stupid and inefficient. because of politics, beauracracy, red tape, chains of command, approval. they might save money in the long run, but not in the short run. and the short run is the only thing that matters. thats what i know about business hahahaha.

i mean really i am having second thoughts about going out. i mean it is literally so packed and busy that you cant sit down, its loud and noisy, conversation is hard enough. if you like doing drinking and karaoke its one thing. i used to like doing those things. but………i mean i will see this guy later in the week, i can buy him a drink then!!!!

but theres a .0000001% chance SHE will be there!!!

ARE YOU FOOKING KIDDING ME????

that is the LAST reason I SHOULD go!

really i SHOULD go. just go for the guys birthday. it will be a fun change of pace. this is how people meet their wives. i mean SOME decent women go to this place. and some indecent women hahahaha. i might not mind that either.

shit. it might be different if i were going with a friend rather than showing up there. or going to a small house party. i like those.

i could probably get a medical MJ card by saying that because of the meds i take for my despair, a side effect of those is nausea, or muscle spasms. boom.

now do i need to give them medical history? sometimes yes, the less shady the MJ 420 dr is.

i mean it COULD be on the ballot THIS november if enough signatures are collected by…june 1.

need to get 60000 more legit signatures out of 250000 in the next….37 days. they are taking donations and using “professional signature getters” they are paying. and of course also taking volunteers. I should volunteer hahaha.

well i was also thinking of going to the training for this call center job, because the training is valuable. there is no free training materials available on the internet. you gotta pay 1000 bucks to take a call center training class. I have a call center textbook now so that is kewl, but there needs to be more books like that, and websites for the poor shmucks answering the phones and trying to solve problems AND figure out what to say. there is nothing for these people on the whole wide internet. i am tempted to go to the training and just be REALLY difficult.

like really GRILL the trainers. like who are YOU. i want to see you take a phone call right now. get some phones in this training room right now. then we go around all the new people and everyone gets their turn in the hot seat. but they have An Experienced Level 2 with them every step of the way. do this. do that. look this up. here’s what this means. say this. explain it this way. this is happening because of this. tell them this, because this. ok ok let me take over here. basically have 2 people on the call, and have everyone watch and learn as the experienced person held the hand / acted as training wheels for the newbie. We would see their screen and hear their call. after their call, they would breathe a sign of relief, and not have to go up again for 10 calls, and could watch the other newbs.

its like every call is being called up to do a problem on the board in front of the class. except you do that all day. with shittiest help and guidance.

and I would be difficult and asking fookloads of questions from the very first day of training: how do i search cases? can we do that training method I said above? why not? it’s fookin brilliant. hire me right now as a trainer.

they did not do that with my previous job. they had the classroom and then we looked at the systems. but the classroom was NOT SET UP TO TAKE PHONE CALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then we went out on the floor to Shadow people. but some of these people were good and some not so good. because there was no ongoing training after your first shitty training period. you just grew up like a feral child.

it would help a lot to have newbs take calls while being actively guided by several experienced trainers who could help them every step of the way. and train us with 1000 calls that way. hahaha. or at least 100.

but that would make too much SENSE.

whenever there is something that is written unclearly, IE every knowledge base article, shit that brings up more questions than it answers, i’ll say, well, this is unclear and misleading. who writes these. how can we update them. is there a talk page for this, or can we make edits, like wikipedia? who CHECKS this stuff? is this stuff proven to work? is this really a BEST practice? i want stuff that is approved by people who actually answer phones and do stuff, not level 3 phaggots who havent taken a call ever.

give us simple clear steps, not a 9000 page thing. give us a few sentences of plain english we can explain to the caller. we shouldnt need a manual for the manual when we are trying to figure stuff out FAST. reading confusing instructions for the first time and pretending like we are an expert.

Trainers? when was the last time you pretty boys took a CALL? give me a level 1 person who’s survived a year on PHONES and have THEM train us.

yeah i had a bad experience with the Last Call Center, and I didnt want to come here either, but 2 recruiters told me to give the training a chance, plus I didnt have to interview for a job that pays 17 bucks an hour, when for other 13 dollar an hour part time office clerk jobs which are WAY easier, I ahve to take a 2 hour test just to have a 2% chance at getting the job.  i really dont want to be here unless you convince me this is a good place that isnt managed like shit.

there needs to be COMMUNICATION between everybody. there cant be these big secrets where the smart people figure it out and find the hidden knowledge, while the Dumb Level 1’s flail and drown and blind leading the blind, throwing spaghetti at wall, throwing darts blindfolded. FOOK YOU I QUIT.

and if the 13 dollar an hour excel data entry job calls me back during the training, I’m leaving your 17 dollar an hour call center job.

but its 17 dollars an hour! thats more money than i have ever made, and more than I made with the last job.

more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to make more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!

but I would also be ok with a less stressful job with no phones and less service, at 13 dollars an hour.

why is every fookin job a HELP DESK CALL CENTER JOB????

they pay all right, but why the fook cant I just get a boring routine data entry job for 13 bucks an hour? how come I dont get offers coming up to me saying they will hire me for that without an interview???!?!?!?!

yet I can get a 17 dollar an hour job without an interview????????!?!?!?!?!?!?

but its in the one thing that strikes insane fear and dread and panic into my heart???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

why is GOD PUNISHING me like this??!?!?!?!?!

just BLESS me with a easy, boring, low stress 13 dollar an hour job! 12 dollars! you can keep you 17 dollars!

yeah not going out. they go out too LATE anyway. i dont want to be leaving the house at 9 pm or later!!!!!

 

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ARE ALL WOMEN LIKE THAT ?!?!?!?!?!

1204

shit. delicious tacos is a great writer but i dont know if i need that kind of pessimism and degeneracy right now!

but i have decided to indulge myself in Hate after listening to this ramzpaul video about love and hate.

about weak cucks who are terrified to respond to the paris attacks with “islamaphobia” and the guy whose wife was killed but immediately he said he did not hate them, he forgave them, and just hideous cuck weakness.

and ramz says the opposite of luv is not indifference, like that retarded saying, but its really hate, just like common sense initially tells you. two sides of the same coin, two sides of the same spectrum, and its possible that if you do not know how to hate, you dont know how to truly LOVE!!!!!!!

so i decided rather than being AFRAID of my hate like so many weak cucks, i would embrace my hate. for those who had wronged me and broke my heart hahahaha. i thought some thoughts i cannot repeat here hahahaha. i thought what would be the best “revenge.” i thought maybe if she got aids from some black thug then slowly died of aids, also had a mixed baby with aids who would slowly die along with her.

then i thought, thats a little too much, withering away with aids is too much. i thought it would be better if she jsut had some brown babies with several black thugs who abandoned her and the babies, over the next 10 years she had about 3 of those and threw her white genes away; AND balloon up into a huge white trash hambeast, 400 pounds at least. that would be PERFECT. morbidly obese white trash with brown babies who can only get secs from black thug bottom feeders, and quite simply can’t attract a good decent man any more cuz shes that fat and depraved, and all she can get are black thugs on tinder for pump and dump, while her mixed kids grow up to be thugs, and she balloons up to 500 pounds, maybe THEN she gets aids at age 40 or so hahahaha and withers down to 200 pounds hahaha.

unfort her family does not seem prone to fatness like 99% of amerifats. come on. just eat more shitty food fatty.

the idea of sadistically torturing her did not appeal to me though, i did not want to cause her terror and pain, however if she were instantly k’ed by a bus i might think that was fair hahahaha.

really i just want her to become a loser at life, cant handle her job, cant handle the heartbreak, just quit and give up and be heartbroken like me. go through the same pain i am.

but she’s prob doing this BECAUSE she is going through heartbreak, she is supposedly heartbroken from the scumbag she short term dated. she was kinda thrown away by him, heart broken, cant get revenge on him, so she needs to take that out on somebody.  i was the PERFECT target for that, because she thought i was so annoying and unfair.  she had some revenge of her own to get, some hate to express, and i was the perfect target. makes perfect sense.

she was already heartbroken. well i want her to be heartbroken again. by someone she works with. so she has to quit her job. for example, maybe she could give it up to some guy(s) at the job, like a whore. but then she can get feelings, fall in luv, and then the guy can just IGNORE her, even though they work together. then she can go crazy and quit the job and be completely devastated and broken in every way. i think this would be a suitable revenge for me hahahaha.

of course then she would just slut it up afterwards, giving sex to all sorts of sleazy men, and i dont have that “privilege” hahahaha. i dont think id want that privilege.

and then she could become a 400 pound mud shark white trash with brown babies and she can’t even get an attractive white man to fook her any more, can only pull black bottom feeding thugs and felons.

fook yeah im a racist, i dont like it when white women fook or have brown babies with black men! i just dont like it and im not sorry! i want white women to have babies with white men!!!! white women who fook black men are TRASHY! i am disappointed when white women even consider fooking nonwhite men!

its partially my own preferences. i prefer white women, i would never want to have children with anything but a white woman, so therefore i prefer white women who themselves prefer white men!

maybe she could become a damn drug addict or alcoholic too.

but see, she was never into drugs or alcohol or slutting it up. if she had avoided all those by age 25…..thats GOOD! and that is part of why i liked her.

shit when i was 21 i was drinking like a MADMAN. i basically drank like a MADMAN from ages 18 to 26. it was STUPID. i drank more than the average rowdy young Adult, to where i clearly had a Drinking Problem, but i wouldnt call myself an “alcoholic” hahahaha. but it was definitely a problem.

she never had this! she barely drinks at ALL! thats GOOD! she doesnt abuse drugs either! like other white trash people pop pain pills. she doesnt!

anyway yeah. i was the perfect “victim” because she had been done wrong and she needed to do somebody wrong. the timing was PERFECT for that for her. and i was the PERFECT person to do that to, because i was “SO” annoying and it was SO unfair that i got these feelings for her. so, break MY heart  and throw me away, the way her heart was broken and she was thrown away.

because you cant get revenge on THAT person directly. she couldnt get revenge on that guy, cuz he just didnt really care. i cant get revenge on her, i mean break HER heart, because she doesnt love me. i cant possibly break her heart. but i do want someone else to break her heart again in the future hahahahahah to get revenge FOR me hahahaha. karmic revenge. pref a guy she works with so she has to quit her job.

i want her to be so out of control of her emotions that she quits her living wage job.

i want her to completely love someone and be thrown away by them.

well supposedly thats what already happened. and thats why she did it to ME. well now i want somebody to do it to HER again. one of the first things i said when it happened to me was, I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS TO SOMEBODY ELSE. and i hope i never do. the cycle of abuse stops with me hahahaha.

i can totally understand why people do it, especially if they are undergoing ongoing horrible abuse, like being raept by your father, that you then take it out by bullying others, torturing animals, etc. or if you are a korean getting verbally abused all day, you get out of work, get drunk on cheap rice liquor, and verbally abuse your wife and children, then pass out on the floor or are vomiting on the sidewalk at 11 pm on a weeknight hahaha.

oh yeah i finally have a life protip for once: if you have trouble sleeping try earplugs. i have become such a light sleeper that any damn sound will wake me up for an hour. so earplugs can block out all sound and make it like you are in a hermetically sealed tomb hahaha. it has been sorta working for me lately. i usually sleep on left side so my right ear is open to the world. so i just use one earplug, in the right ear. not bad.

i think she is real good at doing out of sight, out of mind, push shit under the rug. but i worry about shit. i cant ignore or avoid it. i worry about it.

scott weiland dead. well cant say im surprised! im surprised he lived this long! they arent saying what it was yet, but it HAD TO BE drugs. prob heroin. maybe heroin mixed with cocaine. he was a good singer but obviously a huge degenerate. but i can understand the want to do hard drugs. sometimes i think heroin would be good for me to block out the pain hhahhaahaha. i wonder what kind of father he was to his 2 known children. probably horrible hahaha.

when you are in LUV with somebody, you want to have secs with THEM AND ONLY THEM. you arent tempted by other people. well at least im not. i can say yeah that gurl at the gym is very attractive but i just dont care abotu banging them. secs is something special you do with your loved one, and i only have one loved one.

is this really so controversial and weird?????!!!??????

i kinda want to contact her and say THIS IS WRONG. YOU CANT DO THIS. THIS IS HORRIBLE. YOU SHOULD FEEL HORRIBLE and beg for my forgiveness. which i do because i still luv you hahaha. but now i HATE you a bit too and want you to suffer for this. by having your heart broken AGAIN, devastating you, making you quit your job, being abandoned and thrown away without a word. YOU DONT DO THAT TO SOMEONE. i will never do this to someone even though its been done to me. i know you had you heart broken but you didnt have to do it to ME. get mad at that guy. not ME.

shit it makes perfect sense, i made a big breakthrough. this hate shes showing to me is really a projection of the hate she feels towards him, but cant express to him.

she doesnt really hate ME, she hates HIM! maybe i should contact her to tell her this hahahha.

so her brain is not workign regarding her hating me and throwing me away.

does that mean her brain isnot working correctly regarding her having feelings for me?

i dont think so, that is, i think she really does know what she wants regarding having feelings for me, that is, she REALLY doesnt have feelings for me.

and if she DID, she would come to me begging forgiveness. or have a friend or family contact me. i would totally take that hahahaha. she could have her mom email, call, or text me on her behalf if shes too ashamed………and i wouldnt blame her for being ashamed! ……… so maybe i SHOULD contact her then!

shit. like 110 days of NIC and i am still thinking about contacting her!

how to take verbal abuse at work?

you say, dont talk to me like that. treat me with respect.

and if they fire you they fire you. you have the moral high ground.

if it’s your boss, go to your boss’s boss and tell them so and so is being verbally abusive. you have told them to stop, but they continue. please have a chat with them and tell them to stop being a fooking rude little phaggot bitch. it reflects poorly on our company. thank you.

if a customer is verbally abusing you, say, if you do not calm down and show me some respect, i will be forced to hang up. ITS YOUR CHOICE. ITS UP TO YOU. even if your companys policy is to sit there and take the abuse. then let the company fire you. you have the moral high ground.

symphony of sorrowful songs, heres some great nondegenerate music that will chill you out, rahter than scott weiland shooting dope, banging whores, and abandoning his children. thats exactly why i dont listen to music, its made by people like that.

i used to be a big led zeppelin fan, but led zeppelin were HUGE degenerates, perhaps the biggest degens of all.

i also like the music of grateful dead, allman brothers, a lot of 70s bands………all degenerates.

all those metal bands i like? degen. drunk nihilists who would sell their soul for slutty groupies.

hehe i bet even henryk gorecki was a degenerate. tons of gay sex at music school hahaha. abandoning his children. drugs. he was a j00.

ok he was not a j00, he was a straight up polish roman catholic. good. ok he doesnt seem too degen reading his biog. but you never know. there is only one sentence about his wife and keedz.

QUOTE

”  In 1972, he was promoted to assistant professor,[24] and developed a fearsome reputation among his students for his often blunt personality. According to the Polish composer Rafał Augustyn, “When I began to study under Górecki it felt as if someone had dumped a pail of ice-cold water over my head. He could be ruthless in his opinions. The weak fell by the wayside but those who graduated under him became, without exception, respected composers”.[25] Górecki admits, “For quite a few years, I was a pedagogue, a teacher in the music academy, and my students would ask me many, many things, including how to write and what to write. I always answered this way: If you can live without music for 2 or 3 days, then don’t write…It might be better to spend time with a girl or with a beer…If you cannot live without music, then write.”[37]    ”

i THINK what he MEANS is, just give it up, if you can live without music for even 2 or 3 days, you dont have what it takes, go find solace in women or booze instead, you are not a real musician.

I DUNNO, i can go 2 or 3 days without msuic BECUASE i find musicians too degenerate exactly about stuff like women and booze! is how i would reply to gorecki.

but he was talking to academic classical musicians at a conservatory, not to teen scumbags in a garage huffing glue and drinking cheap vodka and smoking dirtweed and bathsalts and meth and popping pain pills and banging white trash tattooed sluts who like guys in shitty bands. two very different kidns of musician here.

maybe i should try arvo part?

philip glass. whoops he is a j00. as is steve reich. no i dont hate all j00s and not all j00s are total degenerates……but at this stage of my life, i dont really really really NEED any additional j00ish influence in my life such that i seek out new j00s to add it to. even if philip glass is awesome.

well lets put it this way, i would prefer to cut out ALL TV from my life, before I add philip glass into it. also listening to new music at my age takes effort i dont have. its not worth it. the pros do not outweigh the cons.

its amazing they dont have a pcture of this san bernardino shooters wife. or gurlfran or whatever. supposedly she radicalized him. but who ever heard of a WOMAN who doesnt have a PICTURE of herself? women LITERALLY take pictures of themselves EVERY DAY because theyre NARCISSISTS hahahahahaha.

laci green, i have been hearing about her, she sounds like a real degenerate. started life as a nice white mormon girl, became a pro-slut, pansexual, atheist, planned parenthood, sex educator. NOPE!!!!!

http://io9.com/5606765/myths-about-the-love-hormone-oxytocin-that-could-ruin-your-love-life

she shares a link stating that oxytocin is bullshit pushed by sex negative conservatives like me hahahaha so go ahead and take 900000000000 casual  cox

she makes a scant 20 videos a year, has a MILLION subscribers, and doesnt have one single video talking about faithfulness, loyalty, heartbreak, feelings, monogamy, or communication.

its just all hookups, buttplay, squirting, consent, FWB, NSA, open rels, chill hangouts, 50 shades of gray, orgasms, shaving, labias, queefing, degen shit. nothing on how to COMMUNICATE about your FEELINGS in a RELATIONSHIP with a HUMAN BEING.

yet this is her fookin CAREER. ridiculous.

there is nothing wrong with jealousy. it means you dont want your partner to DUMP YOU or CHEAT ON you. so it means you dont trust your partner? WELL, SHOULD YOU? have they really earned your trust? or does she have 90000000000000 guy friends and is always talking to guys? and has had 9000000000000 boifrans and dumped them all after short rels? fook no you shouldnt trust that!

hehehe i guess i secretly want to bang her but she would never let me because i am creepy and old and take sex too seriously and just a creepy white creep loser hahahaa

oh yeah i saw her on MW favorites, where a switched on person asks laci green if shed ever heard of rotherham and of course she hadnt, over a year later. someone who fights against “rape culture” has never heard of the biggest mass raping in years.

sargon of akkad is huge and shows how normal people dont like feminists and sjws and is kinda bringing good stuff in to the mainstream. he appeared suddenly and grew quickly and now makes $1000 per video. amazing. a year ago i never heard of him.

anyway i just want him to say, im left or im right. rather than be a weak leftist libertarian who just happens to dislike feminism because he’s too beta to SMASH PVSSY hahahaha. and mad that feminists are bitching about vidya games in gamergate hahahaha.

goddam bitch! i betrayed her by getting feelings for her???!?!?! SHE BETRAYED ME by throwing me away like a piece of garbage when we had known each other for almost 3 years!!!!!!!!!! you dont do that to someone you KNOW, no matter if youre ANGRY at them!!! you only get to throw away people you dont know! lets say less than 3 MONTHS but even 2 months would be better!

is this an all women thing? do all women throw men away like this? wiht no remorse?

ARE ALL WOMEN LIKE THAT???!?!?!?!?!?!

no just 99% of them hahahaha.

whenever i say “99% of x are bad”, i remind myself i’m PROBABLY engaging in all or nothing thinking, and it would be a DRASTIC IMPROVEMENT to instead say “This is all or nothing thinking. how about only 50% of them are like that. THATS MUCH BETTER.” and indeed it is!!!!!!!!!!1

when there is any doubt, always go with 50%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOES makes a good point that when some rightists and esp libertarians harp about MUH FREEDOMS, they seem to be confusing FREEDOM with LICENSE, in the sense of LICENTIOUSNESS, ie DEGENERACY. ie FREEDOM TO BE A DEGENERATE. do anything any everything as long as you are not hurting anyone besides yourself.

well i say that degeneracy like casual sex is not a victimless crime: what about the hearts you break? thats a big deal i’d say. if you break even one heart, you should do some sort of commensurate punishment: like abstain from casual sex for at least one year. beg the person for forgiveness, better yet, earn their forgiveness. give them a new job, give them a full ounce of dank MJ, give them $1000, give them 30 tapering-off bangs, LISTEN to their monologues and their long emails, apologize profusely.

well just because youre not having a rel, doesnt mean casual sex people treat their secx partners like DISPOSABLE REPLACEABLE GARBAGE. or so they say hahaha. i mean they really do. well, maybe give these sexually immoral degens the benefit of the doubt haha. but honestly these dumb sluts on laci greens videos dont understand that for men to get sex, it takes SKILL. for women to get sex, it takes NOTHING. NO SKILL. thats a big part of why the slut stud double standard exists. and it all springs from woman are the ones who get pregnant, and getting pregnant is a BIG DEAL. thats why its hard for men to get sex.

i dont mind THAT at all. it only makes sense given the pregnancy thing. what DOES annoy me is when WOMEN dont RECOGNIZE this, and they think its ok to be sluts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and complain about slut shaming! being a slut IS shameful, period! and they dont recognize this. they of all people SHOULD recongize this! how can WOMEN, the ones who DO get pregnant, NOT understand this? because pregnancy gives them a kind of power or privilege (heheheheheh) and when you have Pvssy Privilege, you dont NEED to understand, like what sjw sensitive narcissist triggered college student crybullies say about cis white privilege?

well….these are kinda self-selected sluts, no? the type of peopel who would watch, comment, respect LACI GREEN. of COURSE theyre dumb sluts! who dont understand how the mating market works, how the world works, how nature works. MORONS.

i wouldnt mind using the elliptical if it didnt MAKE you go a minimum of 5 mph. i like to go 3 mph most of the time, then bump it up to 5.5 only some of the time. certainly less than half.

 

YOU CAN GET OVER HARD DRUG ADDICTION WAY FASTER THAN A BROKEN HEART

99

damn. not much sleep last night.

one interesting idea is that our Ideas and Thoughts and Feelings ABOUT sleep can affect our actual sleep. like laying in bed worrying about not getting enough sleep, and constantly looking at the clock.

yesterday i heard the suggestion about putting your clock in a drawer so you could hear the alarm but not actually see the clock. i though that was neat. you could also just block the clock with a card or something. i thought that was an interesting idea. like when i had to get up to go to work but couldnt sleep because i was constantly worried about everything that could go wrong the next day, and would i be able to handle it, and had i studied enough before going to bed, well i didnt do anything but come home from stupid work, study, then go to bed early! and now i am not sleeping at all!

also the idea that if you go to bed super early to try to get good/alot of sleep, you get very inefficient sleep and less restful sleep and or just laying there awake. so going to bed at like 7 pm doesnt really HELP you per se, unless you ar tired at 7 pm, well you veyr well might be, but you have to feel like you could actually SLEEP.

of course we all know that pain when you are tired, exhausted, because long days, tons of coffee, tons of stress, terrible sleep for days, you SHOULD be ableto go to sleep, but you lay down and cant sleep, and keep looking at the clock, you wanted to be asleep by 10 pm at the latest, now its 12, 1, 2, 3, etc. you went to bed planning to get 10 hours of sleep, now you will be lucky to get 4 and you are gonna have a ridiculous day of work tomorrow.

with someone who broke your heart, where you used to be close but now they dont WANT to be close to you anymore, and they aer cold to you, and warm to other people. hahahahaha.

i should have really tried a Sleep Aid, really just some nyquil or benedryl at least, during those times.

sometimes people say ITS DONE. IM DONE with this, and then they are simply done, they walk away.

they might end it in the worst possible way. they might even KNOW BETTER. but they do it anyway and they are DONE and they are NEVER coming back. they are not coming back and they are certainly not APOLOGIZING for handling shit shittily.  nope. they are 100% done.

doesnt mean it is right. yes it can and prob does involve avoiding or ignoring or just running away or shutting down or freezing. yes it is usually is bad karma and a shitty thing to do.

she DOES know better but it doesnt matter, she did it ANYWAY.

cant go back and undo it.

she is obviously CAPABLE of Conversations and Communication….like when she tried to communicate with those other men. how did those conversations go? what did she say? how did she articulate things? was she like a brick wall like she was with me? obviously not, she made an effort with them. i am jealous of course.

make an effort with them, make absolutely no fooking effort with me. tells me that I am a worthless piece of shit, and my confidence is low enough as it is. i do not need that message.

i will never know WHY i was so shitty as to not even warrant an effort. i can only GUESS it was because she wasnt as invested in me, she didnt luv me, she was already preparing for this day, distancing herself. she wanted to distance herself from me rather than repair the relatiosnhip in ANY way.

there is also the thought that with these kind of things, Rels, that a woman will do EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO IT, SHE WONT DO IT. IF SHE DOES, SHE WILL. PERIOD.

if she WANTED to communicate and “End Things Better”, she would have. If she Liked me, she would have let me know. if she really WANTED to date me, she would have.

i think this is more relevant to the beginning of rels as opposed to women who are Scared To Leave Their Abusers. well, id also add that they dont really WANT to leave. they WANT to be with that guy, they love him, and they also WANT to fix him. they would rather Futilely try to fix him and continue getting beaten, than leave.

ALL my big Heartbreaks involved the woman dumping me, essentially losing interest in me, essential deciding they didnt really WANT to be with me, and the decision being made before any sort of serious dating started. they didnt WANT a serious rel with me. they never did. so therefore i never had any serious rel. which is my shorthand for “longterm monogamous exclusive committed dating love rel with a woman”

i say one year would be good but i wouldnt mind TWO years either!

i heard somewhere, probably from some ridiculous woman who was bored with her long term boifran and was falling out of luv with him and wanted to dump him ITS OVER, that The Lifetime Of Luv is FOUR YEARS. after youre with someone for four years, you know them completely, you cant go any further, and the Luv Dies, time to dump them.

she of course had been going out with the guy like 3 or 3 and half years hahahahaha.

shrink said look for some wayne dyer talks. i have seen a couple of his pbs specials, they are pretty good.

anyway the other point.

heartbreak like this is some of the worst pain imaginable, the pain and suffering cannot be overstated. my heart is completely broken, destroyed, decimated, devasted. ripped out, bleeding, like temple of doom.

it is the worst pain ever, worse than derpression and anxiety and ranks right up there with death and job loss hahahaha.

is really is a kind of death.

i was watching intervention again and thinking these pussies, just quit your heroin and oxycontin. you will be sick for a FEW DAYS, maybe one WEEK. then it will be done.

try getting over a BROKEN HEART. you will be sick and broken and dying for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS.

getting over A Truly Broken Heart is MANY, MANY, MANY times more difficult than getting off of Opiates, or other Addictive Drugs that are hard to quit, have withdrawals and cravings, like Alcohol or Cigarettes.

these people go to rehab and then 90 days later they are a changed person. 180. miraculous.

90 days later after a broken heart, your heart will STILL be broken. you will be angry and sad and unable to love anyone but that horrible person.

so yeah the excruciating, CONSTANT, NEVER ENDING PAIN should not be underestimated. it cant be overestimated! it is worse than being a drugs addict!!!!!!!

you can get over HARD DRUG ADDICTION MUCH FASTER than you can get over a BROKEN HEART!!!

shit i was thinking i should try some hard drugs just to get some more time and distance!

i mean with this amount of RIDICULOUS, BLINDING, INHUMAN PAIN, its AMAZING and MIRACULOUS that i DIDNT do anything stupid! I totally UNDERSTAND why people STALK!

but i didnt stalk. so that is awesome. maybe that is proof that i am really NOT an Evil Stalker Abuser.

Although just yesterday i almost stepped on a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk and thought, gee wouldnt it be neat to put like a HUGE PILE of dogshit right in front of her house.

then i remembered, yeah, that would involve going to her house, and that is stalking, and stalking is wrong.

but the PAIN and SUFFERING of heartbreak is also so very wrong, so its easy to justify.

i mean its AMAZING i didnt start DRINKING again. and do stupid shit. get raging drunk and stalk her, get raging drunk and write her even more emails, or do something mean and angry.

i deserve to CONGRATULATE myself for not Falling Off The Wagon! Seriously! For NOT stalking her!

i feel like i have made a bit of a breakthrough finally. if i was at 5% before, maybe im at 10% now. on par to be a little less than 20 months to get over the whole thing hahahaha.

it feels Vindicating just to Acknowledge How Much Pain the Broken Heart Is. it is so so so so bad. i totally understand why some people cant handle it and K themselves! and other people go CRAZY and stalk and violence the other person! I totally understand it! shit i had some Fleeting thoughts of K’ing myself and S’ing her!!!!!

and those thoughts are painful and very uncomfortable too! adds to the heartbreak!

heartbreak basically IS a Severe Derpression. if you have been through a Serious Heartbreak that took a long time to get over, not one of those stupid girly heartbreaks where they fook a guy, get preggers, get an abortion, they are back to their normal happy promiscuous degenerate pig self within a week, but a REAL heartbreak, where it takes months and months and it CHANGES you, shit, that is pretty much Severe Depression right there.

it is like being killed and hurt and abused and raeped every day! only the abuser is in your mind, your thoughts.

so you cant blame it on them the same way you could blame like if you had a family member that was molesting you every day. that is almost LESS COMPLICATED.

and i am angry because she TOTALLY COULD HAVE lessened this heartbreak. this heartbreak didnt HAVE to be so bad. it would never have been GOOD, but it could have TOTALLY been not THIS bad. she could have Mitigated a LOT of this HORRIBLE PAIN in the way she handled it. she could have handled it a lot better. I BEGGED HER TO HANDLE IT BETTER. I said quote please reconsider the way you are handling this, i am hurting a lot, this will take me a long time ot get over, please please treat me like a human being and not a piece of garbage, please at least just respond to me and try to let me down easier please.

i still struggle with i should contact her and let her know how much pain she caused, how she broke my heart and caused me more pain than anyone has in YEARS, shit, when someone causes you THIS MUCH PAIN, you want to hold them ACCOUNTABLE for it, and make sure they KNOW THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG, DAMN WRONG.

but that way i was begging for mercy pretty much says “you broke my heart”.

but she didnt read it.

well she probably wouldnt read some angry thing saying “YOU BROKE MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT” either!

plus one thought is, you dont want them to know how much they hurt you, or something.

well i want them to know EXACTLY how much they hurt me!!!!!!! you cant go around causing this kind of pain and be totally ignorant of it!

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT TO SUFFER!

POWER.

that is another question you should ask: what is the balance of power in this relationship?

as things got worse and worse, it became less a relationship of equals, and more and more clear that she had all the POWER, power over my feelings and emotions, power to shut down commuincation entirely. she had all the power and i had no power. thats what it felt like to me.

i hadnt just gone halfway. i went right to her proverbial doorstep and BEGGED, please share something with me. and she entirely refused. theres nothing i can do to change that. i cant fix that. she has to want it. if she WANTED it, she’d DO it. she did not want it or do it.

yeah having a straight conversation would have made the heartbreak less painful. less CRAZY. i mean it is so intense it is driving me CRAZY. makes you think crazy violent or revenge thoughts. its her fault because she ended it poorly hahahaha. no i dont mean that, its not her fault, she didnt INTEND to cause this much pain, i grant that. but she is no fooking innocent in the matter. 66 33.  what she did to me was at LEAST TWICE as bad as what i did to her.

with woman2012, she was NICE, she was a mature adult, she wrote me a 1 paragraph email, and that heartbreak was nowhere near as bad, nowhere near as crazy, i never wanted to do anything stupid crazy. i was angry and disappointed and hateful sure. but nowhere near as much pain.

heartbreak is like having your heart ripped out every day, all day, constantly. worst pain you can ever imagine. worse than death. it is like being in prison and being raped in the ass every day. how can that not destroy and ruin you.

this is true heartbreak.

i guess that is proof that is was true love.

that is the reason it hurts so bad, for so long. because this was a serious person in your life and you wanted to have a serious rel with that. they were and i did. most assuredly.

it is a BIG deal not a small deal. it changes you profoundly. well i needed a profound personal change hahahahaha.

so this is muh breakthru thank god. i was thinking and talking abotu this yesterday to muh recorder.

  1. to realize HOW painful heartbreak is and just accept that damn OCEAN OF PAIN;
  2. that if she really WANTED it to work, she WOULD DO SOMETHING
  3. theres literally nothing i can do. my work here is done. i begged for mercy at her door and she slammed it and locked it forever.

its amazing people can SURVIVE this pain. it is NO SURPRISE people K themselves and K others! the pain is BLINDING and MADDENING and PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you literally feel like you are GOING INSANE! take the worst pain you felt before and multiply it BY INFINITY!!!!!!!!!!

yet i know i will survive, the pain will go away in like TWO YEARS, i will survive as a BROKEN HUSK, half the man i used to be, half of half of half the man i used to be!!!!!! and live the rest of my life as a ruined, broken man, a Horrible Husk.

it is NO SURPRISE that WOMEN who undergo this pain TOTALLY RUIN and DEFILE themselves with SlutSex, go through a series of cox just to distract you from the pain.

IMHO Drugs would be the better choice, less defiling.

Drugs are less dangerous to womens dignity than a series of cox.

you cant get pregnant from drugs. you cant create an innocent, miserable, horrible, wretched life with drugs. that poor bastard child who is either aborted or lives a horrible life with a whore mother and a Ghost Father.

the abortion is probably better for the child! mercy killing! to avoid a horrible, godforsaken existence!

maybe thats gonna be my moral slippery slope to justify abortion, similar to my moral excuses for euthanasia.

“better for this poor child to never be born because their life would be guaranteed miserable and shitty.”

anyway muh breakthrough.

that was about it. thats abotu the strength of it above. hope this helps hahahaha how about u

i also thought, she could apologize WITHOUT getting my hopes up or leading me on.

HOW FOOKING ARTICULATE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

she had conversations with the other guys!

you just need ONE PARAGRAPH.

say, “I dont want to get your hopes up or lead you on. i am sorry to say but we are never going to get together. its me not you. it just will never happen and i am sorry to break your heart. but i wanted to apologize for giving you the silent treatment, i understand that probably added to your pain. i want to let you down easy and reduce as much pain as possible because you are a good person. i think you are a good person and i dont hate you. but i could never like you the way we want, and we should go our separate ways. i didnt mean to cause you pain, but in these situations, pain is inevitable, and i am sorry for your pain. i hope you can get over it quickly. you will find someone great some day. it just cannot be me.  i am sorry to break your heart. i wish the best for you but this has to end. im sorry.”

thats IT. one paragraph that i wrote in TWO MINUTES. THATS IT. THATS ALL SHE HAD TO DO. just like woman2012 did.

you can apologize for your immature hurtful behavior and still clearly say its over.

come on. you had difficult conversations with other guys. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

why couldnt you extend me that same courtesy??!?!?! just because you were De-invested in me and wanted to wash your hands of me? because you didnt luv me? god damn. you didnt HAVE to luv me, i just wanted to be treated with the RESPECT and COURTESY you did when we were friends. that is half of the heartbreak right there. i deserved better. i didnt necessarily DESERVE to have her luv me because that just happens or it doesnt, deserved or not, but i DID deserve to be treated like a human being, treated with respect, dignity, courtesy, not be fooking shunned like a god damn pariah.

you dont intend to break someones heart. there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about that. but you DO intend to talk to them or not talk to them about it. you absolutely CAN do something about that, and make a REAL difference. that is the part that gets me so damn angry, and makes the heartbreak twice as fooking painful.

SAFETY NET / TEAR THE DUCT TAPE OFF THE BEARDED FACE

aug 6

yeah son cannot stop writing. have to get this out of my system. went for a powerjog. might do another maybe.  so i could go back to my job after like 2 months. but how would i react to seeing woman? would that be stressful or not? more importantly, could i deal with it? well yes it would be stressful and i could possibly deal with it; or i would view it as another desperate attempt to try to “win her back” which is the worst idea ever, but i am desperate enough to do something that stupid; i mean i ALMOST stalked a gurl in 2005 i was in such bad shape! i mean i knew stalking was wrong but i was angry and indeed wanted some sort of revenge on her for breaking my heart! so i did not handle that well, i realize that now.  i mean i never did anything violent to her. i think i drunkenly spat beer on her car, for example. not too standup but not too horrible either.

also its different when you work together vs being in occasionally crossing social circles. because you see your coworkers a lot more than you see your friends and family. fooking sad but true.

yeah in an ideal world, i would not go back, because seeing her is too risky. i mean if i were a super confident strong male, no problem, id have bitches swinging off deez nutz right now, then she would say ooo an alpha male, and she would be swinging off deez nutz soon as well. but i am not confident and alpha like that.

so i should be grateful i have a damn safety net right? and then take advantage of that safety net? but i also hate being weak and loser enough that i constantly need a damn safety net!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 99% of men my age do not need a safety net! you should not need a safety net after age 18!

its amazing i went from a relative peak to relative minimum in the short span of 10 months. from top to bottom. oh well at my advanced age, its best that this happens quickly. tear the bandaid off. tear the duct tape off the bearded face hahahaha.

TEAR THE DUCT TAPE OFF THE BEARDED FACE.

.gif .avi .mov .wav hahahaha

lets add a Wilhelm Scream in there as well hahahaha.

when a woman really likes you she will give you CHANCES. its not just one strike and youre out. its not a matter of you did one thing wrong, so thats why you didnt get the girl. basically this is to reassure myself, that there’s nothing i COULD HAVE done to make this work. she NEVER would have wanted to be with me. the only thing i could have possibly done was perhaps help it end less explosively. i never would have gotten her to talk though.

the main thing i could have done was ignore it myself. and i just couldnt see myself doing that. i couldnt ignore it at all. it was eating me up. shit i tried to ignore it but it kept coming back.

plus i think its generally better to not ignore things that to ignore them, especially regarding your honest feelings. i was not going to live a lie!

i was concerned that she thought i was LYING to her, when the whole reason i was being WEIRD was because i DIDNT want to lie to her! plus i was giving hints. they might not have been the best hints, but they were definitely hints. shit its still eating me up. i mean im sure it will dissipate with time, it always does, but again i need to do no fooking contact, and that means no emailing her in 3 months to “check in!”

ok what if she contacts me? well i would respond to her but i would say something like…..well i would even meet her ONCE if she wanted to. and basically there would have to be a lot of hugging and crying and very heart to heart talking there, because am i gonna STOP wanting her? probably not. am i going to want to be just friends with her while she dates other guys? hell to the no! so i would say all that at the hypothetical, prob will never happen, meeting. and then it would end with her saying yes yes i want to date you too and it would end with us making out right then and there and living happily ever after.

but i was able to coexist with her even though i had feelings for her and she didn’t have feelings for me. but that was BEFORE. and it was kinda a shitty coexistence. there were unresolved issues roiling beneath the surface. and then they exploded. the good thing is that this is a real CHANGE. i mean you just CANT go back after this. cant put the toothpaste back in the tube. cant go back. i mean we never had The Talk, but shit certainly got REAL, also i clearly said “i have feelings for you” in a text and two emails.

i mean why the hell would i WANT to go back to coexisting with her, me having feelings for her, her having no feelings for me? there is absolutely NO benefit to me. i mean that would fooking HARM me. and on that issue i am entitled to be selfish.

in the past we were trying to be nice to each other. all that is out the window now. i go back there, she most likely will be continuing to ignore me. and she would ignore me a lot better than i would ignore her. i would try to ignore her but anger would be under the surface. i dont want to have to work like that. however maybe that would keep me from overthinking and freaking out about the job, cuz my mind would be on that.

well, more than likely, i  would be same situation as i was recently: where i felt like I couldnt DO my work because of the other thing; and facing my work and saying “i am incapable of this” and feeling like running away and crying; rather than half assedly serving customers like the fat woman at the DMV hahahahaha god i WISH i could be like that! on halfass autopilot all day and just not care.

but its rough because i dont know if i ever had a chance. probably NOT. really what difference does it make. timing. when i really wanted the chance, i just didnt have it, thats for sure. i didnt have it when it mattered. and even if she did like me in the past, i cant go back in time. also at that time i wanted her to improve relations with her then boifran. when we first became friends she had a boifran and i knew it but damn did she never talk about him until she really trusted me. and then i had the thought of “i hope she doesnt like me, i want her to fix things with him, i have no interest in trying to break them up or steal her from him, or make her cheat on him,” and thats the truth, because i hate damn cheaters and ive NEVER cheated, or gotten anyone to cheat, which puts me in like the 1%. everybody is a damn filthy cheater. nobody cares. ok jogging time again. i can get in the 5.6 miles today.

ok did that. damn. i realize even if i lose all the weight i want to lose and become skinny, thats not gonna fix my other issues.

see a desperate low self esteem unconfident woman has no problem getting men. maybe she chooses the wrong men because of her issues.

but unless you are a total alpha male, to be a man and get women you have to become a damn buddhist monk with 10 years of monkish study in how to become fooking zen and extinguish all your damn desire. having an obsessive nonwoman related hobby like rocket science or petroleum engineering or finance or electrical engineering or tinkering or inventing or something helps too. i never really had that. closest thing was writing, and there is no training or skill involved there. you just sit there and write shit and hope you write better, but more than likely you will write yourself into a damn hole hahahahaha. writing is the worst interest you can have because it hurts you rather than helps you. its basically like being born a dirty drug addict who can never quit drugs and eventually dies of an overdose.

well the good news is that i have made up my mind to tell my trusted male friend from the job. he and his wife are the only people from the job that i can trust to tell the story, but should i? because it might be bad karma. well it would be if i didnt trust them. and if i said bad shit. but im not gonna say any bad shit about her. but since they know both me and the woman, and i trust them, and they were shocked when i left the job, i feel i can trust them with a full explanation. they might think im a psycho. but these are a couple of kids who got married at like age 22 and they are a beautiful loving couple. i like people who fall in luv young and then get married young. they should really have some kids but people cant afford to have damn kids nowadays and thats sad. anyway they are great people and i enjoy the closeness and trust there. and i dont see any underlying secret crushes on my end Tainting that hahahaha.