WHY IS POPULISM BAD

nov 19

ok this post should be shorter, hahaha. 4000 words max

i always liked jack lemmons uptight, nerdy, supplicating, neurotic style. it seems pretty jooish but i dont know if he was a joo. varg LETS FIND OUT.wav

” He was the only child of Mildred Burgess LaRue (née Noel) and John Uhler Lemmon, Jr., the president of a doughnut company.[2][3] His paternal grandmother was from an Irish immigrant family.[4]    ”

looks like not a joo. thank god hahaha.

yeah i mean i wish a bigboy FT job had picked me rather than this littlegurl PT job, it puts me back into the same conundrum i had when i was 26 except im not a young man of 26 anymore! but the good news is it lets me fix the GAP, and its also guaranteed not to give me a nervous breakdown hahaha. i just cant start any drama with WOMEN, and also i cant lose sight of the fact that i have to move on from there fairly quickly. ideally i would get a ft job with the same company.

i was very often trying to work for and win womens approval. with That Woman, at the beginning, i wasnt working at all. i mean i was doing shit, but i wasnt struggling and scheming and planning and strategizing and calculating and overthinking. we just got along veyr well and beause of that she liked me and i liked her. but not in that way. yet.

and then when i DID start liking her in that way, it all became that damn chess game where i had to figure out How To Make Her like me back.  it is an exhausting struggle that i have NEVER won.

but yeah either the woman likes you or she doesnt. either she s going to going to give you a chance or not.

and even when i have gotten as far as making out or Casual Dating with a woman…….it wasnt really HARD. there was enough Natural “Chemistry” or attraction to get me THAT far……but no further.

new crowbar album november 2016 “the serpent only lies”. i always liked crowbar but my peak with them was “oddfellows rest” in 2000! great album, possib muh fav of theirs. since then i havent been following them too much just because they are always releasing albums.

yeah EXCEPT they went on a solid hiatus for like 6 years while kirk focused on down. and since down is not looking super hopeful, i am glad he is doing stuff with crowbar.

i mean crowbar is very HONEST and SINCERE and REAL and keeps it REALLY REAL and there is absolutely nothing PHONY about them.

also i really dont think kirk is a joo. some white power guy on the internet has him on a list of joos but i doubt this.  mean his lifestyle is total working class white guy whitelash.

i know he had some struggles with drinking but not super hard drugs or anything. i wonder if he smokes MJ every day like a degenegro. PROBABLY hahahaha. now he just gets raging drunk less. i dont think he quit drinking altogether.

so yeah he’s not a model aryan ubermensch, just a flawed normie, and i believe his heart is in the right place, and i can respect someone who has an Instantly REcognizable Musical Style, which he does. no one else in the world sounds like this. he is Not Derivative at all. he’s been doing that for 30 years. he is all about good riffs and good songs and very honest unpretentious lyrics about being Tuff and Overcoming Adversity. how can you dislike that?

his main flaw is basically just getting sloppy drunk, or at least he used to, and i hope he doesnt anymore.

i dunno i did see down like 3 times with him and….he was one of those guys that probably could get totally fooked up and still play very well.

technically once i was face to face with him and said hello and shook his hand hahahahaha.

i was in this same situation 2 years ago with their previous album: oh i like and respect crowbar, i will always give crowbar a chance, i wish i was more familiar with their later stuff.

maybe their later stuff just isnt as GOOD hahahaha.

i dunno, on the surface it certainly doesnt seem BAD!!!!! i mean its textbook crowbar!

but yeah albums like “broken glass” and “oddfellows rest” had a MAGIC for me, and i am wondering if thats because crowbar had more MAGIC back then, or I had more magic back then when i was young and innocent.

but yeah even if i cant REMEMBER any of the last 5 crowbar albums, i will always respect what they do.

also i think kirk became RELIGIOUS with their 3rd most recent album hahahaha. like CATHOLIC i think. which is bretty kewl imho. wish he talked more about that. figured it would be more of a controversy.

anyway i just hope he is a good father to his child/ren. i know he has at least one.

i know that he was married and was divorced. was she a piece of trash? was it because he was drinking too much?  what about the children?

anyway, as with all white men, i hope he is trying not to be a drunk degenerate, and is being a good father. the fact that he can write such honest music is a signal that he has good intentions.

yeah the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but they mean something to ME at least hahahaha. better to have good intentions than not, i say. its worth SOMETHING.

had dream last night that i was in AUSTRALIA with a group of people including TWO of the young qt women i used to work with when i was 26 to 30 hahaha. yeah and That Woman was a third woman of those. i only meet qt women at muh job hahahaha. thankfully That Woman was not in the dream. but woman2012 was! and also this other qt dark haired gurl that got married kinda young.

dont remember much about the dream other than near the end, i was kinda getting ostracized from the group. or i was being a dick and i ostracized myself. either way, i no longer had a chance with either of those two women. that sucked hahahaha. just wanted some cuddle and make out and hang out and romance action. i only had good intentions. i didnt want to use anybody for casual bullshit.

so i would have dated 2 girls at once? yeah but i would have been honest about it hahahaha. and if foreced to choose i would prob choose woman2012 because she had longer legs and a bigger ass hahahahahahahahahahahaha

and then tell the other gurl, SORRY for hurting your feelings, youre a good person, you wont have ANY PROBLEM finding a decent man.

they are finally coming out with the black metal lords of chaos and they are having a guy named COHEN play varg vikernes hahahahahaha. WOW. i wonder what he will say about that.

yeah i mean i will probably watch it just for fun, im sure it will be horrible. but hopefully FUN at least.

darkthrone told them NO you cant use our logo or our music. i respect anyone who can turn down free shekels like that.

but i also think, well, they have lives and families, and the shekels could HELP them!

but the movie does sound really really really jooish hehehe.

i would totally let darkthrone play a show for 100 grand tho. that is MUCH less jooish.

play the show, give the money to your kids, build a home in the country far away from the urbanite, raise 5 kids like varg in the country. be like varg. varg should play a show for 100 grand hahahaha. he could say whatever he wanted and then never get invited back because he would hopefully say a ton of antis3m1t1c and pro-white stuff!!! hahaha.

or not play ANY songs, and just give a pro-white speech for hours hahahaha. well i would want him to play songs though haha.

and all the drunk degenerates would be like boooo racism. i mean really. its pearls before swine.

so have the show be a very exclusive alt right invite only thing, where you can onyl get invited if you pass an interview process proving your pro white bona fides. then they could raise money from rich successful white pro-whites to give to varg. might not be as much as some jooish festival promoter tho hahahaha.

unrelated but this album could also be good. epic atmospheric pagan black metal with some celtic angle and great cover art hahaha. also brand new. i guess i am into super newly released music again. thanks deathspell omega hahaha.

yeah this sounds very promising, little long tho

plus i like the scots hahahaha

got those whistles and flutes and bagpipes, very nice, i will accept this in muh atmoblack hahahaha he is a nationalist but doesnt quite realize it yet hahaha.

i think me MIGHT be an american but he moved to scotland. glasgow. not sure if the guy from panopticon (austin lunn) plays drums on this like he did for saor’s last album “aura.”

no its a guy from this other scottish black metal band hehehehe.

ok andy marshall of saor does anoter scottish atmo black band called fuath, good job buddy, writing 2 albums of epid 16 minute songs, in 1 year hahaha. he also had bands before saor called askival and in vino veritas. dunno guess i just like the idea of SCOTTISH BLACK METAL hahahaha and this guy is pretty much the biggest name in it.

(shit i saw a picture of him where he had big faggy ear gauges. seriously. kids in 2016 still do this. never understand that shit. DEGENERATE. )

well with me and music, i kinda have to go where the spirit takes me. its not supposed to make sense or be logical or even necessarily good music hahahaha.

welp listened to that crowbar album, it sounded exactly like crowbar. their sense of consistency is something you make a good natured joke about at this point. hey i dont really want them to do anything different, just make good songs. well i mean for example i know kirk is a big led zeppelin fan, so why dont they write a song with some LZ influences? also i would like to see more Mellow and Clean Singing songs, because he has a GREAT clean voice, spine chilling. they started doing occasional Clean songs in 1999 hahahah so its nothing really NEW.

heh. you know whos NOT degenerate? GARTH BROOKS. thats right. i decided i should really start listening to garth brooks. hes not part of this super faggy new school of jooified “country” and he is a nice family man who retired from a super popular career to spend more time with his kids. and now that his kids are grown, he’s coming back a little bit, playing more shows.

hes a little bit SILLY of a guy but i think thats because he genuinely enjoys life in a non degen way hahaha.

and he is a very good performer.

george strait would also be acceptable to listen to hahahaha.

i thought this shit was corny and lame during the 90s, but it was probably the least degen popular music available in the nihilistic 90s, and also country music got much much much much much much much worse over the next 20 years!

ok so my new  job goal is to write as many super duper detailed, epic, heroic, miraculous WORK STORIES as possible. get at LEAST 10. so i can have a RAFT of SUPER DETAILED, SUPER AWESOME STORIES chock full of specific detail in future interviews.

i had some work stories now, but the key thing that i forgot to do back then, was WRITE THEM DOWN AS SOON AS THEY HAPPEN, DAY OF, AS MANY DETAILS AS POSSIBLE, and then you can always edit it later.

and you SHOULD edit it later, to make yourself look smarter and better. the important thing is that there are a TON of details.

get at least ten of these stories and you should then be able to interview your way into a better job. maybe be worthy dating women that almost look as good as transsexual men hahahahahahahahahahaha

hey they are plenty of terrible looking transsexual men, they arent all think young feminine looking qts hahahaha, some of them actually look like big burly crowbar esque men ahhahahahaha.

i cant believe i didnt write down work stories before. i had so many of them! i know i TALKED about them into my recorder. i could do back and listen to those tapes and then write the stories out. but apparently i didnt want to do that!

it would have been better to smuggle out the case notes….but i stopped doing that a few months in.

so i could have done THAT from home, i had access to case notes from home, i could have just copied and pasted.

but i was so fried and burnt out and broken down, i couldnt even think of obvious, easy solutions like that.

shit just copy down the top 20% of interesting, weird, or detailed cases! just copy the weirdest ones!

wewlad just got down to lowest weight evar, 132 lbs. i mean its POSSIBLE i weighed less than this like 12 years ago!!!!! but not recently! and i am old as shit and at basically the lowest weight i have ever been! so thats good! i mean i could actually get away with GAINING weight at this point…..but i dont really want to do that.

USE YOUR WORDS TO COMMUNICATE. AND USE UNAMBIGUOUS WORDS, not words like “like” or “hang out.”

well at least she feels bad about breaking her bfs heart hahahaha. sounds like she feels REALLY bad about it hahaha. GOOD. YOU SHOULD hahahaha.

no sorta kidding, she shouldnt feel THIS bad if she made a good faith attempt to dump him in a sensitive way, without trying to add insult to injury.

“sounds like she didnt have much respect for your relship if she dumped you with a TEXT” hahahahahaha

yeah i THOUGHT she had MORE RESPECT for me than that

and i thought i knew her better than that.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

still wanna sm0ke mad w33d.

still thinking about going to a SHADY ASS “doctor” in a dispensary on “doctor day”, saying i dont have any medical records, and that ive been getting persistent chronic pain in muh….back. carpal tunnel. then getting the card sent to a po box. then just let the po box expire once i have the card and i am buying tonnes of MJ hahahaha.

its like a prescription that NEVER RUNS OUT. that alone is rather unbelievable.

go to a doctor ONCE, have a card to buy drugs FOREVER. well, for 2 years. even still, could you imagine getting a 2 year prescription to buy as much Painkillers as you wanted? as much benzos as you wanted? for 2 full years! INCONCEIVABLE!!!!!

nov 20

sheeeeeeeeeeeit.

ok on my first day i gotta bring in donuts or bagels.

also gotta be dressed like a damn boss.

i dont think they wear suits every day there hahaha.

ok there is a 24 hour tim hortons nearby, so i can get some donuts and bring them in at 8 am hahaha

then they will judge and bullycide and abuse me for being uneducated, trump supporting and racist enough to buy such racist, hateful, bigoted donuts. donuts are what FAT BIGOTS like COPS eat.

i am being Silly but thats not far off from my usual line of Distorted Thinking, which has wrought massive anxiety and despair in muh life hahahaha

EVERYBODY HATES THE DESPERATE. nobody likes desperate people. employers, women, kool kids, winners. all shun and shame the desperate.

you know who LUVS the desperate?

JESUS! GAWWWDDDDD!!!!!!

so never forget that. when its lonely desperate you and the world is against you, JESUS is on your side. and LUVS you just as much as he luvs TRVMP.

hell yes i support jeff sessions for atty general. but the question is, how does he feel about joos. it could go both ways. some of these southern bigots luv joos and israhell and are not j wise at ALL.

SEE? ALL THOSE TRUMP SUPPORTERS ARE HUGE WHITELASH RACISTS!!!!!

no they arent, just the alt right subset hahahaha.

and at least half of them are polite and nice like neoreactionaries. and dont use hate speech like I do hahahaha.

so yeah i do not represent trvmp, nor do i represent the average trvmp supporter, who is probably WAY less racist than me hahahahahaha.

so whats the deal with jobs where they dont even tell you the salary range during the interview, you have to get to the second interview just to get a god damn IDEA, when its not a 60k a year job were talking about, its more like 30k job. you dont GET to be so circumspect about salary for a 30k job…….well yes of course you do!

but yeah being TOUGH, thats always been a problem for me. tough situations in life that SHOULD act as a crucible to toughen me up and make me into a better, stronger man…..i always break down and become a weaker, bigger loser.

anyway WOMEN. dont have such SHALLOW relationships. take PEOPLE more seriously. PEOPLE are important, relationships are important, intimacy is important. cuddling is SUPPOSED to build intimacy, sex is REALLY supposed to build intimacy, and women have this damn carousel of men, relships, sex, cuddling, motions of intimacy, and its all a lot of things that are SUPPOSED to be important or intimate, but they treat them like NOTHING.  its DISTURBING and SOCIOPATHIC hahahaha.

thats why they call it a RELATIONSHIP, because its all about RELATING to/with another person!

hmmm npi conference was yesterday. millennial woes looked like a slob in a purple t shirt and gray hoodie. looked like a real unemployable neet, looked like me lounging around the house hahahaha.

redice did a very nice stream of basically the whole event. THANK YOU redice.

i guess emily youcis got harrassed by antifa outside and sprayed with something.

i mean i dont like women in the alt right, but she has earned some cred for that i suppose.

ill still white knight more for alt right trannies than alt right women because the trannies are less of degenerate sluts than the women hahahahahah.

that proves it! Im a woman hater pure and simple and woman hating has no place in the alt right, in pro white, in a healthy society! this is MY PROBLEM that i need to FIX!

things that mean SO much to you, like cuddling, or making out, or fooking, or spending time with somebody, or having a rel with somebody, or being vulnerable and intimate with a person, it all means nothing to women! its all as meaningless as taking a dump!

i dont think they INTEND to be SOCIOPATHS! and isnt INTENT a big deal to me?

well….only to a point. if you cheat on somebody and say well i didnt MEAN to cheat on you, it just HAPPENED, one thing led to another…..yeah ok intent doesnt matter there. you have plenty of time to stop it.

i didnt intend to be a sociopath, i just acted like a sociopath in all muh relships and never tried to stop it.

nope, not all relships, just the ones with me!

i bring out the sociopath in all women hahaha.

no thats WRONG. NOT TRUE. woman2012 didnt treat me like a sociopath. That Woman didnt ALWAYS treat me like a sociopath.

havent you ever just RUN AWAY from something you couldnt handle? i ran away from College when I was 21 because I was like I Just Cant Handle This Any More. I should have done it at age 18 or 19! then immediately gotten Severe Treatment, 100000000000 mg of prozac, maybe some electroshock, then gotten a STEM/math degree at my prestigious univ, or gotten a stem/math degree at local less prestigious univ so i could stay at home and not be tempted by degeneracy, or at worst just gotten a business degree from local univ, or something. maybe being out of that environment would have been good. because i was tempted too much by the degen of MJ.

i still used MJ and alcohol when i was at home though……..

i dunno. i should gone to a shrink along with my 1000000000000 mg of prozac, and they could try to convince me to stop doing mj and alcohol. because i was too young for that shit.

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Tough

https://www.google.com/#q=how+to+be+tough

ok read and understand. if you have a question, read it again until you understand. dont come looking for me to give you a free ride hahahaha. read and understand. youre an adult nao hahahaha.

If you could federally legalize MJ with a 35% tax on it……..then wouldnt it behoove the feds to legalize it?  theyd make billions of dollars on the taxes, more money than they make nao from…….what? booze being legal? but that money is going to booze barons, not politicians or govt!

also if MJ were legal, MJ barons could make a ton of money, as well as the govt taking 35% taxes on it!

not that I think taxes are good, i am just saying its a way to convince govt to make it legal, because THEY love taxes, and i would be WILLING to pay HEAVY taxes to have MJ legal and easily available.

im just trying to figure out why mj is still illegal. basically, both the govt And the Superrich Elites could make a TON of money off it being legal! so why dont they?

i mean they are probably GOING this way, it will just take 10 more years, cuz govt moves SLOWWWWWLY. except when legalizing phag marriage. that happened pretty damn fast hahahaha.

i mean most people can get MJ because its easy to get for social normies. they always know at least one person. the one person i sorta know is unable to do anything at the moment, so i have to wait hahahahaha.

well dont blame THEM!

im not tho!!!!! really!!!!

heh. that was another thing i lost when i lost That Woman.

maybe she really was just shady sketchy white trash that im better off without her in my life hahahaha. i mean she certainly thought SHE was much better off without ME in her life!!!!! and im not that shitty! seriously!!!!!!!!!

maybe her mind was so clouded and she made such bad decisions because she did MJ every day.

i also made very bad decisions and ran away from responsibilities when i was 21 largely because i did mj every day!

well she was older than 21!

21 its ok to be immature. 25, you should start thinking about adulting and being mature.

of course i am over 30 and still very immature.

but you can be immature in diff WAYS!!!!!

http://www.wikihow.com/Keep-Yourself-Calm-During-Tough-Times

heh. there should be a psych phd who writes a book on what happens to your Brain as you go Incel over 10 years.

i mean i dont really care about the SECS nearly as much as the general cuddling or intimacy or having a real REL with a woman.

the GFE, the EXPERIENCE of being with somebody special who is diff from a regular friend, or acquaintance, or family.

and women take these very special rels for granted, have many of them, treat them as replaceable and disposable. hahahaha.

no not all women. not even 51% of women hehehe.

hmm intradasting. no real point here other than to say he felt good when she broke no contact on his bday to wish him happy bday (she dumped him and it was very hard for him), he struggled in doing NC, and now she was sending this message, and he was like, i felt better know that i and the relship meant something to her.

now he says he doesnt want her back. i dont know about that!

standard stuff

hehehe his 22 yo gf has been with a LOT of guys. at age 22 i had only been with 1 gurl. at age 32 i had only been with 1 gurl.

always gets dumped by girls after a few dates or fooks and they see how INSECURE and NEEDY he is. well he is still young as shit, but this has apparently happened several times. oh well. at least hes not a virgin hahaha. maybe he needs a 10 year period of celibacy until he is 33 hahahaha.

heheh i hate thsi shit. she will dump him because oh im not good enough for such a good guy. but if this were a guy dating a gurl who was too good for him, she would dump him IMMEDIATELY and he would feel REAL bad. how do you think this bipolar OP would feel if her too good for her BF dumped her in a very insulting way, like yeah im way too good for you, you dont deserve me? she would be super devastated!

youre not allowed to be depressed if you got into a decent grad school at age 23. maybe if you got rejected and your only option was work at starbucks or get a devry mba and then become a team lead at starbucks. at best. i mean starbucks might be too good for you, they have health benefits ahhahahahahhahaha.

i also think its stupid that she was over me IMMEDIATELY, while its gonna take TWO YEARS for me to get over HER. go thru a little grief and pain. did i really mean NOTHING to you?

but yeah it doesnt bother me as much as it used to.

it doesnt mean it doesnt still bother me, almost every day!

just relatively less. and i THANK GOD for that.

well at least alt right is sticking as a word that means something to people. they use it on mainstream media to refer to far right white supremists, racists, anti semites hahahahaha. like those evil alt righters. no, not all trvmp supporters are radical racists like those ALT RIGHT people hahahaha.

so now i can be like yep im alt right, and i am looking for other alt right people to hang out with.

and people will say you deplorable racist bigot! or, hell yeah me too 1488! HAIL VICTORY!

and then we will get into a huge argument about phag enabling and religion and mj and me not being hyperborean ubermensch enough hahahahahaha.

yeah well it TOTALLY CAN take two years to get over someone. i dont think thats weird at all.

it just disgusts me that NO WOMAN goes two years without SECS. that even if they are Getting Over some other man, they are having Casual Secs with other men. All Women act like 6 months without secs is such a TRAGEDY.

NO. ITS NORMAL. TWO YEARS without secs while you get over somebody SHOULD be normal.

yeah TEN years is not normal i agree. but were not talking about 10 yers, were talking about 2 years.

anyway this thing is making me think All Women Always Treat All Relationships as Throwaway Meaningless Nothingness, and this is not true. it is CLASSIC COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/cognitive_distortions.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/50-common-cognitive-distortions

like good lord. just swear off of secs with men for 6 months and use the damn dildos youre always talking about.

whats the deal with trumps dead brother (i heard he was a Drunk) and his 2 sisters? i have never ever seen them.

yeah so freddy trump was a kinda black sheep and died at age 43 of drinking. one sister is a fed judge, cant believe we havent heard from her. other sister was in banking? other brother was in family business and makes an effort to stay out of attention. i guess there is no issues between any of them.

ok good enough for me.

don jr drank a little during college but apparently got his act together and is now super successful winner with beautiful white children hahahaha.

hmmm ivanka trump is actually OLDER than me. but eric trump is not hahahahaha.

don jr got married in 2005 and had FIVE children in NINE years. the bad news is that his wife is HALF J00. DAMN. COME ON DON.

well at least its not as bad as ivanka and KUSHNER. im not even sure if they should have children. just dump kushner, marry a goy, have goy children.

so yeah his wife is half jooish. and supposedly tiffany trump is dating a jooish man. COME ON. COME ON DON.

how have i not looked into this?

oh is this a sick joke, eric trumps wife lara is full joo. SMDH.

ivanka the orthodox joo and kushner have THREE children. oy vey. what a shonde. its like annuda shoah!

so all of TRVMPS grandchildren are damn MISCHLINGS.

maybe this is a kamikaze strategy to End Jooish Lines? I have too many doubts about that to think it could possibly be effective. especially using your own children.  maybe they just arent joo wise. but how can they NOT be?

SON OF A BITCH.

also i wanted to ask, WHY IS POPULISM BAD?

because its racist?

because “POPULISM” is a codework for Working Class White Male Whitelash?

yeah pretty much.

now i dont like the idea of MOB RULE, but i dont think that what the MSM is getting at when they say “populist”, they just mean the scary evil racist bigot WHITELASH.

http://www.dailystormer.com/the-rise-of-the-white-lash/

welp if i dont make something of myself in the next 4 years, thats it. thats my only hope hahahahahaha. this is white males time to shine and if i dont take advantage of it, i am done hahahaha. white male privilege alone wasnt enough to make me a productive member of society. i need EVEN MORE because i am THAT bad. and here it is with trvmp hahaha.

yeah i should order a red trvmp hat already.

and hanging out with more trump supporters and especially alt right people in real life.

wearing a trvmp hat in public hahahaha.

how much and what kinds of tax would have to be placed on MJ to make it more profitable to the Powers That Be for MJ to be legal, rather than it to be illegal? 100% tax to feds AND 100% tax to state and maybe another 100% to city?

pay $400 for a $100 bag of MJ? yeah ok i might not pay that. i wouldnt pay more than 50% tax hahahaha.

but shouldnt that be enough?

i mean how much law enforcement resources are used to arrest and prosecute MJ growers, dealers, etc?

as opposed to more dangerous drugs like meth or opiates?

no one goes to prison for MJ anymore!

so whos making money on illegal MJ? Mexican Cartels? and the US Gov wants mexican cartels to continue making money because…….this i cant figure out. The Secret Truth.

because Cartels give Fedgov billions of dollars a year? how? bribes? who exactly are they bribing? it seems like it would be lower level frontline feds would be more suspectable to bribes than top dea directors, fed judges, fed higher ups.

so YOURE TELLING ME that these feds make more money in HIGHLY illegal BRIBES from MEXICAN CARTELS, than all of the fedgov could legally make by taxing MJ 35%? 40%? 50%???

i just find it very hard to believe.

 

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ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS DECISION TO TREAT YOU WITH DISRESPECT

 

oct 13

apparently got up way too early today for 9am test. strangely not pooping even though drinking coffee and have some food that should be ready to go hmmm.

i just hate angry customers demanding explanations that i dont have, demanding to speak to somebody else when i cant transfer them, and i dont have time to Figure Out their problem, and just have to tell them It Is What It Is, Live With It. There’s no tactful way to say this problem isnt serious enough to our company to waste time figuring it out.

when you are sitting there in the trenches desperately trying to bullshit people and survive to the end of another day in hell, the one thing that gives you hope and solace is the idea that the first thing you do when you get home is youre gonna prepare a yuuuuuuuuge spliff and smoke it and get hella blazed. that is your one saving grace. it really does help. without that, things really start to look hopeless.

did not get a ton of sleep last night hehehe .

aha well feel the BM coming now finally hahahaha. usually i dont have to wait!!!!

then i get mad at other people, like HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THIS? HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? and they get mad at me cuz i am mad at them cuz they can so easily tell customers “i dunno, not my problem, deal with it, live with it, cant help you, it is what it is, goodbye.”

well, it is true that what i saw what PERHAPS the evidence of a company on the downfall. well, the company was having a Bad Year, Big Losses, and laid a ton of people off, including in our department. but was the shitty service we gave indicative of that, or was it always like that, even when times were Good and Growing? i mean you always want to save money and do more with less, and that means sweeping Small Problems under the rug.

its just hard being the person who has to tell the person youre sweeping THEIR problem under the rug.

very hard. what do you say?

idk just go with the flow lol  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yeah well YOU stop listening to your degen music and TELL this person that. give them a damn good EXPLANATION WHY you are sweeping their problem under the rug.

and go suck negro dick some more. spread your legs for negros and make fookin shitsprogs with them.

i might not be in luv with negros, but i can at least admit they are humans hahahaha. they are living human beings and their innocent babies lives have some innate value and shouldnt be created WILLY NILLY. same with any nonwhite babies. I am a sucker for babies. all races babies are INNOCENT HUMAN LIVES that should not be treated like GARBAGE.

im not an idiot i SWEAR. Here, call my high school teacher from 20 years ago when I was a top 5% student and got all A’s.

ok took the test, it was EASY AS SHIT. basically copy an extremely simple table from this paper into excel, using sum formulas and multiplication formulas hahahaha. no index match or offsets or vlookups hehehehe.

and then use an adding machine with paper tape roll to add up a list of 20 numbers. i did not even understand. who uses adding machines.

i was nice to the lady and she was nice to me and i also saw a printout of the 30 people who took the written test a few weeks ago where i did horribly on the accounting questions, i told the lady yeah i didnt do so well on the accounting part, but i took accounting courses in College and got A’s I SWEAR, I could TOTALLY do that stuff again with the debits and credits and journal entries if I just did a little refresher, its not rocket science, its just you get rusty if you havent used it in a few years!!!!!! and she seemed understanding.

jeez. just when i thought trump was past this grab em by the pvssy shit, some more bad shit happens, namely, some b’s coming out saying he groped them. i guess i sort of thought this might happen, and now it is. i like how he is condemning the lugenpresse, because he knows this cant be proven, although youre a woman hater if you think a Victim Might Be Lying, especially if they put their name and face on video and say I, Ms Lyin Slutberg, say that trumps hands were like an octopus on me in 1980, and women dont make this shit up for political reasons hahahaha.

but yeah that is the prevailing idea, that women never lie. and trumps got to get women to believe women do lie, in order to get womens vote. of course women know women lie, but they will deny it to the point of voting against that bad bad man.

but yeah it is def hurting his poll numbers signif. i mean it does not look good folks.

but if he can handle this as well as he handled the pvssy tape, he has a chance.

heh i almost had a heart attack seeing this one cuz i actually thought it was That Woman doing an actual reddit post about ME hahahahahahaha. but its not. i am older than 29 anyway hahahahaha. also it sounds like she rejected him a little nicer because they were still talking afterwards. well…..not really. well, it sounds like she actually told him “im not interested,” and THEN he started asking Creepy Details about her Secs Life. well at least i did not do that! so i am less of a creep and better at respecting boundaries than this guy!

i mean i am fine being a woman hater but i DONT want to be a creep, i DO want to respect boundaries.

I was VERY, VERY, VERY distraught and upset, like this guy, but I think I did an OK job of respecting boundaries…..well just the idea of me getting feelings for her and asking her to hang out regularly was Trampling Her Boundaries!

yeah well she could have stopped saying YES WE WILL HANG OUT!!!!!!!!!! that KINDA got my hopes up!

but yeah i admit i was weak and cowardly and should have blurted everything out in november 2014. that is the lesson i learned, and if i ever get into this situation again, that is what i will do.

i didnt really manipulate our mutual friend to talk to her, but yeah maybe i did secretly hope that mutual friend would talk to that woman and be like hes really upset and you were kinda shitty to him hehehehehehehehe.

but yeah it gets to a point where you really dont have anything to TALK about. i learned pretty quickly that i didnt want to just TALK to her, i wanted a CHANCE with her. the time for TALKING was earlier. like yeah i wish you had dumped me with talking but if you come talk to me now, uhh yeah im still in luv with you, ill still be in luv with you 15 months later. i can accept you not wanting the rel, just tell me no. tell me no and tell me im not a piece of garbage hahahaha. just say aw im sorry youre a real sweet guy like all the other women who “FRIENDZONE” their male friends hahahahahaha and then lets take a little break because you cant be friends when theres one sided feelings, didnt you learn than by age 25 hahahaha.

i will pay for a dumping expert for you to dump me.

or have your mom dump me for you.

but yeah at the end of the day she was a nice person, a beautiful person, and i will never get over her or stop being in luv with her or find a better woman ahahahahahahaha.

this feels as bad as muh First Heartbreak! they say the first is by far the worst, but this one is by far the worst! the 5th or 6th heartbreak hehehehe. well because it was the most significant actual relship.

anyway yeah i guess i understand, if i were in her position i wold have a hard time dealing with me too.

i mean you really do need a professional for these types of things. well ok. i would have her go to my shrink, talk to my shrink for 30 minutes, then i would talk to the shrink for 30 minutes. do a couple of those sessions. and the shrink could relay everything in a mature manner. thats their JOB hahahaha.

yeah well many people are just horrible at their jobs and have no idea what they are doing hehehe.

i mean isnt this what QUALITY ASSURANCE does? makes sure stuff is objectively correct?

i mean i never experienced this before. i pretty much accepted the ITS OVER talk. well, i would try to win them back. didnt work. they would make out with you (and im sure str8 up Pity Fook you, because its just secs). but i was too pathetic to even PUSH for secs because im nervous about secs and am perfectly happy with making out.

anyway winning them back didnt work and i shouldnt have tried it.

well these were crazy middle class jooish college gurls! and That Woman was a nice white down to earth normal woman who was not a Huge Career Woman.

i was a little creepy, but was I SO creepy that I should be totally ashamed of myself? sometimes i am, sometimes im not, and im still not sure how ashamed i SHOULD be, in other words, not sure exactly How Creepy I was.

i mean i dont WANT to be creepy. because “creepers” dont get women ever. its synonymous with undesirable. i dont want to be undesirable. have such deep issues i could never be with a wimmin. i mean they have deep issues too, but it doesnt matter bc women are the supply, therefore i HAVE to not be creepy. it is my responsibility. my mission. i dont want to fail my mission.

heheh got up at 6 am, not a lot of sleep, in mood for nap now at 12 pm hahahaha.

anyway. muh life is in ruins and all i can think about is WOMEN. and this is not a new thing. i always cared more about women and the related drama, than making something of myself. this is one of muh hugest flaws.

cuz i was always way more interested in women than i was in Employment, Education, or Training hahahahahaha. all that stuff was boring at best and excruciating at worst.

yeah i shoud not be writing here, very tired hahahaha. i mean i SHOULD be furiously jobsearching but i dont do that so furiously. hey i did something job related today! and i am on the baby steps plan hahaha.

but i have been on the baby steps plan for YEARS. i need to start doing MORE than baby steps, a LOT more.

GROWN ASS MEN DONT GET ANYWHERE WITH BABY STEPS.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

teen doesnt want to go to college, caretaker says she needs college beause shes not the type to do well without college.

such an easy answer. let the damn kid take a damn gap year, maybe two. also its easy to get a job when you are a 18 year old gurl hahahahaha. take some business classes at the CC because the kid is vaguely interested in “Starting a business” with no plan. so take accounting classes at least, maybe econ, i dunno. def accounting cuz its an actual skill you can get paid for. i mean it hasnt really helped my career hahahaha.

everyones like o just have her get a FT job and pay you rent, which in theory is a great idea…..but what if she cant get an FT job? spends the entire gap year just applying to jobs, going to interviews, and not getting jobs? hehehehe.

which i highly doubt tho, cuz as an 18 year old gurl she could prob get hired at a 12 dollar an hour county job like i just got two rejections today for two such jobs! they either dont like muh gap andor they think i am overqualified andor they dont want to hire white males. they hire a lot of white females though hahahahaha.

anyway if the kid is not DRIVEN in real life, they wont be DRIVEN in college, and being a lazy slob in college is not gonna help them. then you become a huge failure like me hahahaha.

anyway i always knew i was too fooked up to have a rel with a woman, so i wasnt actively looking for one. i knew i had to fix myself first, and that would take YEARSSSSSSSSSSSS until i am 40 or so.

point is, i didnt go LOOKING for a woman when i “found” That Woman. Us becoming friends was the easiest, most natural, most spontaneous thing i had felt in a very long time. we just got along instantly. it just happened naturally af. i didnt LUV her at first. after 2 years of being solid friends, i fell in luv with her. and yet i still was too broken and damaged to be in a rel.

point is, i wasnt putting myself out there, i wasnt trying to FIND a GF in other words. she literally fell into muh life and we got along rather MIRACULOUSLY.

like i think about going on okcupid or something and practicing banging sluts, but i know im not even ready for that cuz muh life is a mess, cant take care of myself, cant be a adult, i gotta get that stuff fixed before i even THINK about women.

hehehehe. yep. get me to stop thinking about women hehehehe.

well thats a lot easier when you are working FT at a terrible job. THEN you just think about surviving one day at a time. you have no Libido, you cant even jerk off UNLESS You look at porno. and it becomes a joyless experience solely to attempt to relieve stress. destress. and it doesnt work nearly as well as smokin MJ.

or quickly crank one out thinking of the Office Young Slut that all the other lonely old guys want to bang too.

if you are lucky enough to GET a job. AND work with even ONE attractive young woman.

but attractive young women can be INCREDIBLY distracting.

well, you will probably be thinking of them ANYWAY even if you dont know or see any. kinda in that position right now. im always thinking of women, but i really dont interact that much with women, and my point is, i dont know ANY attractive young women! but i still think about the idea of them! all the time!

shit maybe send that 17 year old kid to a shrink (i am thinking of them more as a boy than a girl, because gurls shouldnt Go Away To College period.) just to get a damn “tune up” and make sure they dont have Depression or Anxiety or Bipolar. just get a check up, and if they have anything, they can start treating it when theyre young and before they get their whole life off track. maybe the kid is Depressed because they dont seem to have any drive or motivation hehehehe. also make sure they are NOT doing drugs or alcohol regularly. find a male mentor who is 5 years older. 9 at the very most.

if the mentors are too old, they wont know how the world works and their advice wont apply hahahahaha. theyll say go to college, thats your sure ticket to the middle class, hahahaha.

dont get a female mentor.

FEMALES CANT MENTOR.

well, maybe they can mentor children and women, IF they have children of their own.

well what about this guys wife who is a successful business owner.

ok fine, if they own a successful business, ill give them a pass.

and actual entrepreneurs WOULD be GREAT mentors for Teens. but good luck getting access to these privileged, valuable, expensive, very important people. their time is worth 100 bucks an hour just to talk to them on the phone. just go shadow a doctor or something. go shadow bill gates hahahaha.

but yeah going to college right after high school was a HORRIBLE idea for me, so yeah i was VERY interested in that topic.

wewlad finally gonna come in under muh daily calorie goal of 1200, instead of way way over.

ITS SO HARD TO DO EVEN 1 BABY STEP hahahahaha.

but yeah i get SO nervous at the idea of Facing Customers. it is TERRIFYING. like the kids at mcdonalds making 9 dollars an hour. i couldnt do what they do!

but the FACT is, at ONE time, i USED to do pretty high level, in depth, srs business customer service. having deep intense serious conversations.

so yeah i just want to answer all my haters who say i got involved with a woman before i was READY.  it just HAPPENED ok. i wasnt LOOKING for anything. you cant CHOOSE who you LUV.

on reddit some college educated career woman was doing a /sarcasm about sex being “the holy process by which babies are made” /s . i wanted to reach through the screen and punch her in the face for being such a fooking godless disgusting degenerate. THAT SHOULDNT BE SARCASM! THATS EXACTLY WHAT SECS IS!!!!!!!!!!

and i am honestly disappointed that ONLY religious people share my beliefs. I argue endlessly you dont HAVE to be religious, christian, etc to have my beliefs on Sexual Morality, that sex is a darn near holy, sacred, sublime process by which Human Life is created, so have some damn REVERENCE for it.

apparently only religious nuts think this, and everybody else doesn’t.

i am SORTA religious but I stubbornly insist you dont NEED to be to feel this way about secs. even a damn tree worshiping pagan would agree with me!

i was pleasantly surprised to see that there were soem gun owners on reddit. one rel question involved guns and plenty of gun owners responded. i expected everyone on reddit to be violently antigun, anyone who doesnt express only negative opinions about guns is an evil white cis racist hateful nazi kkk trump raeper. so i was glad to be proven wrong there.

everything is NOT OKAY with these women. 25 year old women making 50 grand a year write work emails about things being NOT OK. good god.  and we all have to bow down to the women and fix shit when they think something is NOT OK. no man would EVER use those words to describe anything, unless he is a total cuckold phaggot.

women are very conformist in the way they talk so colloquial idioms like “not ok” and “its a thing” and “its been a minute” and “creeper” and “netflix and chill” and LITERALLY and  just the littlest ways of speaking, the words, the stupid slang, they get really into that and it changes the way they TALK. and men just dont TALK like that, not nearly as much.

 

heh the anxiety reddit is sometimes pretty good, though not nearly as much comments as relshits.

 

yep

 

in this WOMANS defense, I would get anxious about 12-15 hour shifts too!

 

there is a despair reddit too but damn these people are pathetic. but there are some good questions like the above. not alot of answers though.

anyway i think my despair comes FROM muh anxiety which holds me back from taking risks and doing things and accomplishing Life Goals like getting a real job, maintaining the job, getting a rel, maintaining the rel, being an adult, etc.

also anxiety prevents a LOT of people from working. they have panic attacks and crying every day about their job. panicking every morning. panicking at lunch. being exhausted and destroyed at the end of every day.

some suggested that high CBD cannabis can help with anxiety but high THC can Aggravate anxiety? i dont doubt that. but I always think of it in terms of indica vs sativa, and this is NOT the same thing.

well then give me a high CBD indica hahahaha.

 

1 comment basically saying i dunno, nothing helps, try meds and maybe it will help you seem like a normie.

hehehehe. i know that feel.

but yeah. valid, good questions, with barely any responses. bretty disappointing reddit.

well i can at least be gratefu that muh anxiety and despair arent as bad as some of these people. like i can actually go on interviews, 23 of them hahahahaha. (but VERY doubtful about actually doing a job and surviving at it!!!!!!). also i dont get holy shit i must K myself sort of thoughts. more like wow i am a huge failure who has wasted my life and i will never be able to turn it around, but i dont really want to K myself! but i just feel hopeless about being able to become a real adult with an average job, and to get a halfway decent gf, ideally wife. ok FINE i will accept not having children. but i wont accept getting into a rel with a shitty woman out of pure desperation and loneliness. i would rather continue being alone. and just smoke MJ and maybe bang sluts like a degen. its not ideal but i wonder if some secs would make a man more confident which he can then use to do actually good, nondegen things. the ends jsutify the means. by any means necessary.

oct 14

https://www.eremedia.com/ere/why-you-cant-get-a-job-recruiting-explained-by-the-numbers/

yeah the page does exist, ive got it open right now. very discouraging article  written by evil hr person hahaha.

http://insights.dice.com/2014/09/16/recruitings-dirty-little-secrets/

ok ive had enough hahaha

basically i was looking for an Experts Opinion on low-level (data entry, general clerk, entry level admin asst, clerical asst, office clerk) get posted AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and over and over and over every 3 or 4 weeks, basically the same position in the same location, and you apply 3 or 4 or 5 times until youre ike WTF is going on here, ive applied to this same job 4 times and still havent gotten called for a First Interview or even a Phone Screening, WTF is going on here. has their HR department blackballed me, or is this just not a real job? are they building a pool? there must be 10000 people in the pool by now!! are they trying to build a BETTER pool? its a 12 dollar an hour job! youre not gonna GET mark zuckerberg!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON here? looking for an article that explains this phenomenon, but cannot find.

i mean yeah im sure i could get flagged as “DESPERATE, WILL TAKE ANYTHING” in the ATS, which is only half true. I will only take anything that is less than 50% phones hahahahaha, i will take anything that wouldnt obviously drive me completely insane and do a panicquit hahahahaha.

im sure ive got that flag at the hospital where ive applied to 50 jobs. but i’m not applying to shit all over the hospital! i am applying to stuff in my ballpark of qualification!!!!!!!!!!

if there are men looking for the “GF experience”, are there women looking for the BF experience?

well, and im not SURE about this, but my THEORY is that women who get LONELY like this will just end up trying to convert their BFE (probably a Fook buddy or FWB) into an actual BF.

just basically slapping your fantasy image of the perfect GF/BF onto whatever attractive person lets you fook them. then you fook them and cuddle with them and be nice to them and start to want them as your GF even though you have no idea who they REALLY are. pretty much what happened with the first gurl i fooked.

its safe to say if you want the GFE, you want a GF, period.

(yeah this is kind of a NO SHIT SHERLOCK thing when you think about it for 1 second.) so you are at risk. you bang some slut and try to make it a GFE, and then probably end up getting stupid feelings too fast because what you REALLY want is a GF.

i mean its not really STUPID, its completely understandable.

when you search what appears to be specific requisition numbers on a big companys job site and you cant find the job. because i got an email alert saying apply for this job, but no LINK in the email, so i search the req number given in the email to make sure i find the exact job, and nothing. total incompetence by the HR of a YUGE successful company. shit why even post jobs, they can get top talent from top skools, why even open this shit to slobs like me.

less than 1 month to go and the pres campagins are now all about Secs Scandals. this is honestly kinda disappointing. not that secs scandals do not matter cuz they ARE an indicator of Morality, which is more important than anything hehehehe.

well i mean i will accept a president who has groped a few women, but is sincere about making america great again hahahahaha. i will not accept a pres who has groped and raeped a LOT of women and who wants to genocide my race hahahahahahaha.

so what if trump doesnt respect women? I dont respect women! well, the MAJORITY of women hahahahaha. SOME women are respectable. but not a lot.

although on a person to person level, social interactions, i treat everybody respectfully, even if the person may not really be respectable. i mean im not gonna FIX them by being an asshole to them. i dont like being an asshole to people anyway. its too much WORK, its too much STRESS, too much anxiety.

i wish there was a lot more discussion on the anxiety reddit. there is 10% of the talk as there is on the relships. but anxiety CAUSES SO much trouble with relships, with life in general. well, for men at least. women can still have anxiety and get Rels and Jobs because they are the supply. they are very much in demand. men will bend over backwards to Help Women. thats just the way it is. accept it. dont get MAD about it and complain that its UNFAIR. its really NOT, because women get pregnant. now it might be unfair that women arent AWARE of this, and its definitely infuriating. and it IS fair for you to get angry about that, hahahahahahahaha.

WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

another great it is what it is, not our problem, oh well, youre screwed, deal with it type statement you can give to your customers.

im not saying youre lying, but youre lying. we have no record of that. not because were incompetent.

so youre telling me that my wireless card is just gonna keep disconnecting every single day, and the only way to “FIX” it is to restart my computer 10 times a day, repeatedly run network troubleshooting 10 times a day, and just WAIT when i lose internet for 10 minutes at a time every day and have to tell my paying customers, sorry, you have to wait 10 more minutes before the computer can take your money. nope we cant give you a discount either because budget. gotta cut costs goy. no refunds, no exchanges, no discounts, no service, no guarantees, all sales are final.

some people hate sitting in TRAFFIC. but you know whats even WORSE? actually being at work and having to deal with those callers and customers and tasks! traffic is EASY!!!!! its a NO BRAINER!!!! you just sit there and wait and move verrrrrryyyyyy sloooooooooowly. you already know how to HANDLE it. you dont need to make 1000 flashcards and study every night on how to deal with heavy traffic. its simple, its not complicated, its a 1+1 math problem.

meanwhile every phone call is a fookin Calculus 5 story problem where they bitch at you to explain why on every step, and youre not doing this fast enough, and dont you know what youre doing, why cant i speak to someone who knows what theyre doing, nobody in your department ever knows what theyre doing! isnt this your JOB????

so yeah i hate that. it is very nerve wracking, anxiety provoking.

now, anxiety was not a big problem for me for a good long while, from like 2010 to 2013. i was working an easy job, handling that, i wasnt anxious and nervous. i was grumpy and angry and hateful sure, but not anxious. 2014, 2015 were huge anxiety years, carried over into 2016 as well.

but it was nice to go several full YEARS without as much anxiety. but then it comes back for YEARS again. damn.

We have no record of this. Please reboot your computer and wait 10 minutes before attempting to use your cash register or office computers. Discounts/refunds must be approved by CEO, or create a Cash Drawer Shortage so your manager can fire you for stealing. Hope This Helps!

was this because i was working at a failing company, and everybody knew it was failing? (except for people who just listened to music all day and said idk go with the flow lol idk) the customers, the managers, the nonmanagers, the field, the support, everybody with half a brain?

when your customer says, this is DISGRACEFUL service, and you say, yeah i agree, but there’s nothing i can do here. i am the manager. policies. ill get in trouble. we cant just give discounts away. our company will go out of business. and then it goes out of business anyway through a combination of giving away discounts, bad service, low quality, high prices.

whos supposed to be doing this, because i dont know how to do this. oh im supposed to be doing this? says who? let me speak to their manager. oh theyre not in. you have one manager for 5 locations. ok whos the acting manager. nobody. ok whos the smartest person there. oh he’s not in. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON WHO IS THERE RIGHT NOW. hes in a meeting. ok, then who is the smartest who is in the building, who is not in a meeting, who can talk to me right now? nobody, were all on the phone with customers. i am literally the only person who can help you, and i dont know what im doing.

ok who has the most seniority/experience. oh this whole office/location is new. ive only been here a month and all the managers have only been here 2 weeks. NOBODY knows what theyre doing. so we call people for help, and THEY dont know what theyre doing.

sheeeeit times like this i need to get out of the house. i did apply for one job thank god, a military civ job. only took 16 minutes. well when you ONLY put 16 minutes or 15 minutes into a app, thats a good GUARANTEE that you will never get an interview! hahahahaha. you should be spending at LEAST an hour on every app, really fine tuning it to each job hahahaha.

anyway i have decided to go to the store today and get a white dress shirt that fits me a bit better than the one i usually wear for interviews, which is too big.

later

ok did that. felt the need to get out of house and DO something, not just complain in here, and force myself to apply for Jobs. and not “just” go for a walk, but DO something, anything i needed to do, like get a white dress shirt that fits better, or go buy laundry detergent for the home. going for a walk is fine, i need to lose weight (not really, but i do WANT to!) but i wanted to Baby Step Do Something today.

went to burlington for the shirt. we had a majority white town thank GOD but burlington in the middle of the afternoon is NOT majority white. there were a ton of blacks and especially arabs there. some asians.

the arabs in my town, you wouldnt have to worry about them joing ISIS, but they might be contenders for drug dealing and Raping White Gurls. but i dont think they are too islamic. they just speak arabic and haggle with cashiers at burlington and grope women and probably like to drink which is absolutely haram. smoke hookahs all day and watch soccer.

got some diet coke because i was curious to mix it with my coffee.

rejection emails that reference requisition numbers that DO NOT MATCH WITH the requisition numbers stated on the taleo site! it gives a 7 digit number, and all the req numbers i see are 6 digit! so i cant even match it up with a job on my spreadsheet for certain, because i recorded the 6 digit req number!!!!!! so i dont know which admin assistant job i was rejected for!

or you take 10 minutes to apply for a job (contingent (casual) job no less) and only when youre DONE does it tell you the job has expired. thanks NEWTON ATS.

wewlad. finally got in muh 3 apps for the day. so much shit is coming up expired. or i already applied to it but couldnt figure out if i had or not. felt like it took forever. much longer than the 42 minutes it should have taken hahahaha.  in fact it took 46 minutes hehehehehehe.

kirkland vodka. apparently critics say its better than gray goose and also way cheaper.

that basically all kirkland booze is high quality and reasonably priced.

i just thought that was kinda funny. as a guy who used to drink fooking near-bottom shelf canadian whiskey like canada house and rich and rare and royal canadian and CANADIAN HUNTER hahahaha. i couldnt even drink something good like VO or Crown Royal. once in a while i did canadian club hahahahaha.

Rich and Rare was probably the best quality for a low price, shameful booze, and candian hunter was the most BADASS……but not really the best quality. I cant not recommend the Rich And Rare though. got EPIC drunk off of that shit.

actually R&R was pricier than royal canadian.

i really dont know how i got into drinking steel reserve tho. BAD idea. i mean why not just drink lots of regular beer like miller lite. well, i did that too!

maybe get some kirkland weed hahahahahahahahahahaha. well im sure if they had some, it would be good.

i guess Kirkland Shirts are pretty good. not sure about pants hahaha. get some nice Kirkland Jeans hahahahaa.

10 thousand word post. this is definitely top 5% length folks.  just ridiculous.

get a kirkland wife hahahaha. kirkland mail order bride.

ya know i am not interested in a mail order bride at all. even a white one. maybe when i am 45 – 50 i will be hehehehe.

ok moved some of this long post to the previous post to match the lengths a little bettter.

i mean i just want to get a LOT of MJ right now. like a 4th or half ounce! like 100 dollars of MJ i would buy right now. i mean im thankful to have that kind of money, but thats what happens when you are a neet who didnt have a ton of expenses and saved most of their money when they were working.

are there any neets who ARENT virgins?

well probably. what i mean is there any neets who are getting secs from nonhookers at the time of their neetness? or even has a gf? neets with a gf? dont make me laugh hahahaha.

ate way too much at dinner again. went over limit of 1200 for the day.

now i CAN get all the way up to 1500 and not GAIN weight. ie 1500 is muh BMR. well i got to like 1450 today.

lesson: if your one Big Meal is a huge meal at a restaurant, that will put you well above 1200 unless you do a LOT of ezercise that day. like 500 calories at least. which some people can do in 30 minutes of running. not me. takes a solid hour of dam jogging.

sheeeeeeeeeeeit well i found the company THAT WOMAN works for and it is pretty damn close to muh house. well i saw a posting from the company on indeed and looked at it, then looked up the location of the company. it was about 2 or 3 miles from muh house.  thankfully i never go that way.

well i am now mad that she gets a job that is close to her home, closer than the last one. and that she can handle taking help desk calls.

well maybe she cant! maybe they put her on phones and she flipped the fook out because she’s not used to phones.

and it doesnt matter! it just sucks that i still think about her at all!

because i havent found a good REPLACEMENT for the positive stuff i got from her. namely a good connection with a decent woman, a real rel. its easy to have casual secs (well, not for me) but its HARD to have a real rel. real rels are inherently noncasual. they are long term. it is HARD to replace that shit.

and i am not happy at myself, that i looked up the exact location of the company. but i saw the company randomly on indeed, without searching for it, saw it was located in a city near mine which is a small city with nothing but machine shops (and i should really get a job at one of those, but then i might see her hahahahaha) and i was surprised that this type of company was in that city, THEN i looked up the exactly location, which, because it was in this small city, was OF COURSHE going to be close to me.

THEORETICALLY she could stop at the huge grocery store near here, to or from going to her job, and i could see her at the store, because this is the grocery store nearest to my home, and i go there regularly. was there today.

this is what happens 15 months after someone you never even fooked or dated dumps you hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

heh i applied to an Entry Level Data Entry job which ive applied to this same job 3 or 4 times. it just keeps appearing and appearing. i apply and apply. it gets hundreds of applicants every time. why keep opening it. very fishy. this time i totally forgot to change the name of the company from my previous cover letter. (i did change it the first time its mentioned, in the first paragraph, but forgot to do the second time, in the third paragraph.) sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. now i am probably on a blacklist and should never apply to that job again. its disgraceful they even post the job so often. i am sure there si high turnover, lots of blacks. why cant they call me!!!!!!!!

yeah but i want a company that posts jobs rather than never posts jobs, right? even if they already HAVE all the candidates they could possibly need????

that feel when you get to 5 jobs in 1 day for the first time in a while because youve been getting discouraged and slowing down, then find out 1 of those is DEFINITELY disqualified because you made that stupid mistake.

thing is, they probably wouldnt even really care.

i hate that dumb blacks can get these jobs just because they dont have Anxiety HAHAHAHAHAHA no i am just partly kidding. its not because of Anxiety that i dont get these jobs, because i hide the anxiety FAIRLY well on interviews and fake my way as being MOSTLY normie with a normie level of interview anxiety. but it is very true that blacks have less anxiety than whites. its just the way they are wired. so they can aggressively grab women by the pvssy and impregnate as many women as possible in a total r selection strategy. and the women love it.

 

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN

dfgsdhdfgn

oct 1

so manlet woes has done his first major semipublic speech at this dutch erkenbrand conference in setp 2016, well done lad. i remember when he was just a despairing neet making black pill vidyas a few years ago, now he is kind of a leader talking to rooms of people and people paying him thousands of dollars to fly to the US and make speeches here that I will not be at hahahahahaha.

i was wondering if he would wear a suit but he just wore a black shirt which is pretty nice. i know dressing like a neet slob is his   A E S T H E T I C   but he really deserves better and it shouldnt be his aesthetic. but you can really easily slip into dressing like a slob when you havent had a job or a woman in YEARS hahahaha.

well i guess now he has a woman and what he does is kinda like a job, so yeah he SHOULD have more confidence because of that and dress better. i know i would hahahaha. anyway i hope he is with a decent woman who is at least a 7 and wont dump him.

on /r/relships there are a ton of things where there is a woman whose “BEST FRIEND” is a man or vice versa. bonus points if they once dated and or fooked or were/are FWB. and then the woman writes in bitching that her BF is jealous of her “BEST FRIEND” who is a man, who she once fooked, and its the BF’s fault for being controlling and insecure and immature and having jealousy issues, dump him now and find a more mature man.

had a dream with HER in it. i was hanging out with her i think in a group of people and she was being kinda bitchy to me, and I was passive aggressively talking to her like, remember when we used to be better friends than this, we used to be closer, you used to be nicer to me, what happened, why dont you ever want to hang out with me any more, and she was just being bitchy, like well im busy and youre annoying. be cooler and maybe id want to hang out with you more. but youre not cool enough to hang out with me one on one.

basically just acting like a random B rather than someone i was Actual Literal friends with. but those days are gone. LONG GONE. yet i still have the occasional dream. not too often thank god.

and yes you SHOULD be suspicious when a woman has a lot of male friends. even a bit JEALOUS if your GF has many male friends. how do you think SHE would feel if you YOU had MANY female friends?? just a little bit jealous!!!!!!

but just because its so much more common for women to have lots of male friends, than for men to have lots of female friends, the women think its just normal to have lots of male friends. when instead they should be asking themselves, hmm, why dont men have lots of female friends?  and how would i feel if the guys i dated had many female friends, the way i have tons of male friends?

i believe you would see a lot of jealousy from the women then, but you just dont see it now, because men just dont HAVE a lot of female friends for the women to be jealous of!

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN.

another simple truth women just dont understand and which even sounds profound to me, because the simple truth doesnt get stated nearly as much as it should. so we forget simple truths.

heh some people it takes half the time to get over it, ive seen some say it takes the SAME amount of time to get over, i would probably be closer to that. or how about 75%. yeah. cuz the first few months dont really “count.”

so, i had rounded 2.7 years up to 3 years and was saying 1.5 years, which puts me at feb 14 or so (hehehehehe how fitting) but… ok 75% of 2.7 years is 2.025 years. lets just say 2 years. which makes new dday mid july 2017. ok thats fine too.

HERES THE THING hehehehe channeling k1ke enoch. heres the thing. i wouldnt hate women so much if they did a similar thing, go no contact and just Stop Dating for Two Years. but they DONT. they are dating and FOOKING a new guy within two months MAX, even though it really DOES take them two years to get over the previous guy.

THEY FOOK AND DATE OTHER GUYS WHILE THEY ARE GETTING OVER PREVIOUS GUYS. THIS IS SHAMEFUL AND DISGUSTING. DONT DO IT. THIS IS WHY MEN DONT LIKE YOU HAHAHAHAHA.

just be ALONE. DONT TAKE DICKS. DONT DATE. DONT DATE OR FOOK for at LEAST a YEAR. then I would have a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT more respect for women. i dont want to date or fook women while IM getting over a previous woman. why do YOU have to FOOK men while you are getting over your previous man, ya dumb wh0re?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I accept being single and celibate for TWO YEARS!!!!! however long it takes to TRULY get over the person!

btiches on reddit think everything is abuse, and women not crazy enough to use reddit need to be abused in order to make them stay with you! you cant win! hahahaha.

basically i am wndering if reading /r/relships is TOXIC to me because its so toxic with stupid crazy women with their stupid crazy opinions.

well, the opinions themselves can actually be good: “why dont you try communicating with her like a grown adult and clearly addressing the issue.”  women SAYING this. but i’m pretty sure this doesnt really WORK with women, so if you DO it, youre screwed.

i dunno. maybe it does work with some women.

but i hate how women get a pass to be immature, and oh she cant communicate because shes ONLY 25 and shes ONLY been wth 20 guys and had 5 serious boifrans. you need to be 30 years old, been with 50 guys, and had 10 serious bfs before you know how to communicate like an adult.

NO YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

25 year old slut hates 28 virgin male, wants to dump him for being awkward with secs. women HATE male virgins. just tell bitches that you dont even know how many bitches youve banged. you lost count at 50 or 60.

dump him because hes a virgin and hes never watched porn. what a fooking bitch. critiquing every little thing he does. disgusting. she has NO respect for him whatsoever and thinks its ok to demonstrate that publicly. holy shit. he should dump the fook out of her.

she was so shocked and offended that he was NERVOUS and AWKWARD with secs and was awkawrd about putting on a con-dom. sheeeeit IM NOT A VIRGIN (hehehehe) and I would STILL be nervous and awkward about this because i havent had secs with a woman in 12 years. i think even if its only been 2 or 3 years you will still be awakwrd.

she is obviously WAY too comfortable with casual secs and he needs to get with less of a god damn whore. why doesnt he get with a nice mormon girl, it sounds like he is a mormon, and the OP is WAY too sex positive. sex positive is BAD. negative.

one good commenter says she is showing a huge lack of empathy for him. i agree. women have no empathy for men. men generally have more empathy than women. everything women can do, men can do better, include raise children, and except actually getting preggers and making babies. artificial wombs and sexbots and mgtow all the way hahahahaha we just dont NEED women for ANYTHING!@!!!!!!!!

this successful, decent, well-adjusted, good husband and father material virgin man DEFINITELY deserves a better woman for his First Lover, than this obnoxious slut. so sad. he is a succesful attorney making a lot of money and she STILL doesnt respect him because hes a virgin and puts on a condom weird. RUN from this skank.

if youre polyamorous (woman of course) and calling this poor guy your “side piece”, that is incredibly dehumanizing and disrespectful. “side piece” means some piece of trash that you are cheating with. you just can reappropriate that term because you are a poly slut. god damn i hate poly people hehehehe especially the women.

yeah i really gotta stop reading it. the women there are so bad. they are turning me into a woman hater. the WORST women gravitate to reddit. definitely getting a skewed sample there. and 80% of the people THERE are women. the worlds worst women. they’re not sending their best. so, i gotta find a place with more MEN, and where more of the women are decent.

i am getting a negative view of women by reading REDDIT.

also it doesnt help that WOMEN are more likely than MEN to be interested in and talk about relships. and its kinda weird for me, as a man, to be obsessed with the topic. men should have manly interests.

well i dont apologize for being interested in relships. suck muh dick.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/571382-haven-t-dated-decade-28-virgin-consdering-suicide

hehehehheeh going to loveshack. i HOPE they have better women, and more men.

its OK if things run their course. its OK if they fall out of love and dont want to work on the Dead Shark any more. but treat that damn dead shark with some dignity and try to minimise their pain when you leave.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/597124-do-all-dumpers-come-back-eventually-feel-regret

i was at church and saw a white family i had never seen before with 3 beautiful white teenage girls and i thought O MUH LAWD. one girl was was wearing a large ugly sweater which covered her tiny bottom, and she had her long hair done in two braids like some fookin aryan goddess in the wheat field. she was so qt and adorable i couldnt even think secsual thoughts. well, i COULD, but they were Couched in protective, loving feels. sort of like how a good father loves his daughter. and this is what women cant udnerstand about how men luv women. they think men just want to pump and dump women. WRONG. just the men THEY have been with. but at least half of men have good will and have this BEAUTIFUL love for a woman, KIND of like a father loves his daughter, but there is also a secsual component there.

maybe MEN dont understand the way WOMEN luv men?

well i think ideally we come back to the father daughter comparison. just like a good daughter is always loyal and loving to her father, same with the wife to her husband.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/310401-why-dumpers-eventually-want-reconcile-why-dumpees-eventually-don-t

unrelated hehehehe

well if she came “crawling back” to me, i would absolutely take her back, if she had been with less than 5 guys in the meantime, and didnt have any kids. those things would give me pause.

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN.

let that sink in, WOMEN hehehehehe.

and men, for that matter. if men had that many women friends, women would be INSECURE AF. even more than they accuse the men of being.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/421931-when-if-ever-does-dumper-truly-miss-dumpee-why

also i want to use MJ just because i think it would help me continue to get over her. i mean its just gonna take TIME (1.5 to 2 years) and that is kinda like chronic pain that you just have to suffer through for 2 years, which is long time. and MJ helps take the edge off of chronic longterm pain. and helps you sleep. helps pass the time.

http://evalion.org/

i guess i am sorta glad to see evalion back in action, but i just really want her to not do degenerate shit in her personal life, like take noodz and attention whore for orbiters. but i agree she is a fairly effective voice for pro-whites. im not going to CUCK for her as some perfect aryan princess though. i mean she’d really have to make a serious EFFORT if she wanted to convince me to be her man hahahaha.

 

yeah i mean i dont really trust HER because shes a WOMAN and i dont trust or like women, but i do generally like her content and i believe she is sincere until shes not hahahaha. i mean maybe she can help turn other women. but do women really listen to women more than men? are women really GOOD at anything other than making babies? well, they are good at getting attention, thats for sure. which, in evalions case, means getting shut down quickly. which is wrong. she shouldnt be shut down.

i guess my concern is, are all the new people she is reaching, will they be around in 1 or 2 years, or will they listen to anything any qt gurl says???

thing is, theres plenty of qt leftist gurls making videos about why being an antiwhite is kewl…..right?

also i think pathetic virgin guys are probably sick and tired of feminists and that could be their gateway to the right. they wont beleive feminism even if a qt young gurl says it. so when a qt young gurl talks abotu anti feminism and pro white ring wing stuff, they get into it.

we need more strong, successful, powerful men in the alt right. 25 year old men who are doing well in their careers, making 100 grand, just decent boyscout eagle scout white men who are prob politically moderate or apolitical, and are just boyscouts making good money, get them to start to care about their whiteness.  we dont need losers and neets who watch girls on youtube. we dont need people like me hahahahaha.

i mean for 50 years the pro white right has has no shortage of misfits and weirdos and creeps and felons and neets and just total fookin losers. drunks and druggies who get 1488 swastikas tattooed on their face. people who think effective political action is getting drunk and doing lone wolf attacks against nonwhites.

we NEED successful, respected people. managers and successful, respected white men with good careers, wives, and children. something i would LOVE to be but probably never will.

this is why i dont go to real life alt right meetups, this is why i dont actively search for women. because i realize my lack of value as a huge loser in life with nothing to bring to the table for real people hahahahaha.

like when i became friends with that woman, and later fell in luv with her, i was not on okcupid looking for women to date. i knew my mate value was so low that i had no chance. i had voluntarily taken myself off the market and was not even trying. it sucked that i even knew a woman i could possibly get feelings for. well at least now i dont have that problem. and my mate value is even LOWER than it was then, hehehehehe. making 10 dollars an hour at a part time job. i knew i couldnt get a woman with that! well now i make 0 dollars at 0 hours a week! at least then i had a job I had stayed at for 5 years without going crazy at all! i was in NO danger of Panicquitting that job! i was just coasting along and then one day i met HER. if i had never met HER i never would have become friends with her, would have never gotten that new terrible job, would have never gotten feelings for her, would have never gone crazy, and would have never hit muh Lowest Point Ever. I probably would have still be Coasting at that awesome, but unresepectable, job.

that would have been shameful but not nearly as shameful and pathetic as what I am in now.

also when you have a female friend its a LOT easier to not be a woman hater. because you can always look to your female friend and be like SEE? nothing wrong with HER, and we get along just fine. not all women are horrible. not all women want nothing to do with me. i am a normie man and am capable of getting along with women. it kind of “anchors” you. and without that, you can go off the deep end! and that is where i am right now.

so yeah basically when i get hateful or annoyed at women, like That Woman or these awful reddit women, I just need to:

  1. think of this one real life woman I know who I am really only minor acquaintances with but she is a good person and not a whore
  2. think of ANN COULTER, who might be the best real life woman ever.

yeah i know “St Anne” is a dirty mudshark and degenerate and only crazy women are POLITICAL and she is grossly anorexic…..but it is hard as a right wing person not to like her. i like to think if i were dating her she would dump me in a mature manner, hehehehe.

she would say, im sorry, but i just cant commit to you right now, i dont want to put in the effort, i cant do it, im sorry to disappoint you, youre a good person and you’ll find somebody who is able to give you what you deserve, but it aint me, im sorry. i totally understand if you block me and go no contact because im mature enough to understand that its hard to be just friends when you get dumped, and i am trying to be a good dumper here and appreciate your pain as the dumpee. sincerely, st anorexic anne the mudshark hahahahaha.

no i give a pass to ann to be political, to be a mudshark, to not have children, to be a catlady, because her content is SO GOOD hahahaha. i bet she is Joo-wise too, she has come close to saying some joo-wise things. which is REALLY impressive given her stature. i luv ann.

anxiety might be my bigger problem than despair, i think constant anxiety is the root cause of the despair because the anxiety kept me from doing anything: jobs, women, taking chances and risks, taking action.

well i do go to as many interviews as i can. its not like i skip the interviews………….which many people with anxiety DO!!!!!!

i just cant get the job and i am constantly anxious over Whats Gonna Happen on the job. but I am actually fairly confident I CAN eventually get a shitty anxiety provoking job after going through like 30 interviews.

 

IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser

MEN ARE GOOD COMMUNICATORS, WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE COMMUNICATORS

0210

ok. the doc wants me to come in for damn office visit, and i said if it comes to that, then i will argue for a higher dose of citalopram. go from 20 to i dunno 40. i aint no doctor hahahaha.

but hopefully the doc approves and also that the increased dose miraculously transforms my lazy and shitty brain hahahahah and gives me the alpha confidence needed to get a 12 DAHJ hahahaha. thats not even enough to hang out with white people. i was eavesdropping on some successful whites younger than me that were judging someone for making 25k a year hahahahahahahahaha.

i luv white people and being white but my god they know how to cut a person down to size: you are unworthy because you only make 25k a year. wow. hehehehehe of course i have only made 25k a year or more in one year of my life hahahaha.

it was an ok feeling being a bigboy, but my mind was also a Train Wreck In Slow Motion because i cant handle Normal Emotional Stress than Normies Can. meaning i need to learn to Self Soothe better. not use drugs, or alcohol, or whatever. i have valiums that i can pop in an emergency hahahaha but i am saving those for on the job stress.

yeah its one thing when you have never hung out with a gurl and she gives you excuses over and over again for not hanging out. its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT thing when you used to be friends and USED to hang out regularly and easily, and then the hanging out stops for a damn long time, and you have to Just Accept that they dont want to hang out with you any more. well its hard to accept. for me, the issue needs to be confronted directly. i just cant hear “well hang out someday” and just ACCEPT that we will never hang out again because thats the hint, thats the signal i should be reading.

still i want dr phil and his female staffers to agree with me that its shitty to end a long term friendship that has become complicated, without even a message.

yep i cant imagine ever getting feelings for a woman again.

and if i do? i almost dont want to, because feelings are BAD and feelings HURT you so much you become a damn wreck and remind yourself of what a fookin crazy weak unfit non normie failure at life you are, you cant handle or deal with life and luv and feelings and rejection, you are defective and broken hahahaha.

theres no damn textbook for this! theres no classroom for this! but there should be! i mean these situations might not happen to EVERYONE but they probably happen to 25-50% of people and thats good enough to be written about and have Expert Opinions on!

so yeah thats what i want to make sure the world court knows. i wasnt some random beta orbiter who never hung out with her, who was begging for Babys First Hangout. I had hung out with her quite a bit over the previous couple years. then the hanging out stopped and i got frustrated.

and the hanging out, when it happened, was the result of a pretty much effortless Friendship where i didnt DO anything special. I just went with the Flow and didnt have to worry about making the right decisions and analyzing anything. now when i say effortless i dont mean that i didnt put anything IN.  like i didnt put in any “effort.” or i blew her off. we each gave and we each got. it was an equal exchange. we were on the same page. there was no overcompensation or overtrying or anything. it was very natural, smooth, easy, fun, good, no drama, no ridiculousness, no me scheming like an omega to try to get a hangout in her busy schedule once every 6 months, no trying to lead her to anything. we just made small talk very naturally and became friends very naturally and that was so rare for me and i was grateful to get along with a woman so easily.  so yeah of course it sucks to have that go SO WRONG.

google how do you convince your female friend you didnt betray them by getting feelings for them hahaha

google how to convince your gf that you are not abusing her when you are really not abusing her

i mean shit. dont YOU feel better when you are NOT hurting people?

thats what gets me about the easy way out argument. over the long term, i would just feel too damn guilty about hurting someone, and that guilt would push me to apologize to them eventually. just to try to get rid of the pain of my own damn guilt. how can you live with that?

how could you live with someone who could live with that hahahahaha.

how can you get along SO WELL….and then end up getting along SO SHITTY. wasnt all that good will and getting along….didnt that build some kind of foundation that couldnt be easily swept away?

heh. i used to be a leftist feminist because i believed women could be treated as Adults who could make decisions, do the right thing, be decent people, hahahaha. and i hate being proven wrong over and over again. that you HAVE to treat women like stupid children or else they will fook you over.

well w2012 was mature. she handled things very well.

but she was a Lesbian!

well i dont KNOW that for SURE. i just suspect it. if anything she was asexual.

so then i can disqualify her because shes not NORMAL. so if a woman treats me with respect………SHES NOT NORMAL.  if a woman rejects me in a grown up respectful way……..SHES NOT NORMAL. Normal women BTFO you and make you wish youd never been born hahahahaha.

i wasnt treated like SHIT!  I was treated exactly the way i deserved! i brought it on myself!

see these thoughts keep coming back.

i mean i can read signals but for important things, i dont rely on signals alone. i need to have the awkward talk.

SO i can apply that same standard to her! if SHE was about to make an important decision, ie, dump me, get out of rel……couldnt SHE have wanted to TALK about it to confirm the signals she was getting from ME? something like, your signals seem to say that you like me, is that accurate? then i would say errrrrrrrrrrrm yes, im sorry i didnt bring this up early but i was trying, but anyway im glad we are talking now thank you, but yes i do have feelings for you

ok all i needed to know, thanks for confirming. so now im gonna dump you.

maybe she was that confident that my signals said what was on my mind. so that she could just Take The Hint and Not Have To Talk about it.

heh. its just stupid how bad women are at communicating. worst communicators ever. they act like men are such bad communicators but men are THE BEST communicators, women are HORRIBLE at it. period.

no thats not true oh god it cant be true hahahahaha.

but if i just ACCEPTED that women are stupid children then i would be much more at peace with the world!

i dunno maybe. yet the shrink i see once every 3 weeks is a WOMAN and good lord the DOCTOR i am going to see tomorrow is a WOMAN. and i dont particularly distrust them to do jobs that take intelligence and skill and good judgment!

but im not in an Intimate Rel with them, or looking to be! maybe they are like stupid fooking children in their own intimate rels!

or they are married to Tough Alpha Men who dont take their fookin bullshit and say you better not act like a litle child or IM GONE.

well basically if someone is ANGRY at you but they REFUSE to talk to you…….uhhh then thats kinda the end of that. but yeah that makes me feel like i wasnt given a chance. not even talking about “give luv a chance.” no. i mean, give ME a chance to just be heard and be understood. not asking for luv. just asking for a Seat At The Discussion Table.

it would have been LESS complicated if we were actually dating ie fooking. because then it would have been easier to blame her, paint her as the bad guy, and say i REALLY didnt deserve this. but since we werent, the dr phil jury can say, well, she felt you betrayed the friendship when you got feelings, so shes just acting in accordance with that.

0211

heh. went to docker to extend rx for citalopram and also try to increase the dose. the whole appt was smooth and easy like a little angel. well apart from them unlocking the front door a little late after “LUNCH” and there being an arab man and wife with two small children (one baby) and speaking arabic hahahahaha. there was a white male medical assistant which i dont see those very much so good for him. then i was visited by a white male “extern” who i just assumed was a medical student? or maybe he passed his medical tests and was now doing a residency or internship at a hospital. even better. he was younger than me but there are full blown MDs who are younger than me now lololololol. but he was nice and he was white so even if he was a 101 iq white moron like me, i was happy.

i didnt even have to go in great detail about why i wanted an increase and give euphemisms for the emotional wreckage that is my stupid pain in the ass brain, doctor just said ok we can increase, see you in 6 months.

ANYWAY it was kinda weird they let people stand out in the cold for a good 3 minutes because it is like 18 degrees and really too cold to stand outside for 3 minuets hahahaha.

https://vimeo.com/153064589

the waifview, an alt right womens podcast, on this one they talk about ABORTION and they are not anti abortion enough for me hahahaha. they need a MAN to MANSPLAIN how their female bodies work and how Human Life Works.

i dunno i am not really interested in listening to Women Talk right now, i am so woman hating i will disagree with everythign any woman says, even an Alt Right Women. will not be anti abortion enough for me, anti slut enough for me.

as they say on the fatherland, i am letting the Perfect be the Enemy of the Good. meaning, you kinda throw out the baby with the bathwater. meaning, you get so perfectionistic that you will not accept anything less than 100% success, so you miss out and have opportunity costs when you coulda done pretty good otherwise, but pretty good isnt good enough for you, because you were holding out for perfect.

i dunno. its JUST RIDICULOUS that someone would think this is an acceptable way to End A Rel. Like, a Rel that had gone on for 3 years and had a lot of good in it. its just not a proper way to end a rel. youre supposed to show respect for the good times.

AYO HOL UP

thats what im trying to tell you DR PHIL.

not that i EXPECTED any LUV in return, but i DID expect that the relship would be ended in a more DIGNIFIED, RESPECTFUL way, more befitting a good and friendly and important long term rel. rather than try to pretend it never existed. because it damn sure DID exist. i just wanted her to tell me We Had Some Good Times. why do i need HER to tell me that? I know we did! well because i need to hear her say it, so i know its wasnt ALL IN MY MIND. but i KNOW it wasnt all in my mind. i felt that our peak was about sept 2013 thru sept 2014. approx.

i dunno. i guess i need to know it was important and good for her too.

ay hol up the 19 year old boy i gave compassionate advice to on his bitch gurlfran messaged me and said i was nice and he wanted to ask me some more questions. i did not reply hahahahahahah. well i dont have a 3 year relship with him. i mean she is gonna not give him a fair chance, and dump him, hes gonna be heartbroken, and thats all there is to it. just get with other young girls while u are in college man. bang some other young beautiful slut, try to forget the other young beautiful slut, theyre all the same, and they will never be this hot again hahahaha.

also i just hate the idea that the whole thing was in my head, becuase with other women, the whole thing was in my head. but here, the whole thing was NOT in my head in the sense that we had SOME sort of actual real life rel that she got something out of as well as me. even just to be liked as a friend is important. for a woman to show any loyalty and long term friendship with me is important. usually i am just some unimportant idiot whos around for a few months. and the way shit ended, she was acting like i was not important, and the rel was not important, and made it real easy to paint the whole rel with that horrible brush. i liked that she liked me in other words, and i dont like thinking that was a fake.

0212

i dunno. the decent thing to do would say, awwww, he still likes me, he is gonna be hurt, i dont want to hurt him too much, he doesnt deserve that. and NOT: he is a huge piece of shit and deserves all the pain he gets, i hope he suffers a LOT, hope he K’s himself because thats what a huge peice of shit he is! how can you TURN on somebody like that, and understand a situation SO wrong?

oh well at least i was approved for 40 mg citalopram, up from 20.

yesterday i was driving on the road that i usually took to muh job and i suddenly got a deep feeling of dread, like i was going in for 8+ hours of awful bullshit, answering a constantly ringing phone and wondering how i was gonna handle the ridiculous questions. drinking too much coffee and always having to p00p. putting up with female “friend” being a huge bitch. having to tell people i have no idea whats going on, i cant help you, i dont know, and i cant put you in touch with someone who can help you. you are just out of luck, there is nothing we can do. i dont think. sorry you dont think think i understand your issue. becuase i sort of do hahahahaha. i just dont understand why my higher ups refuse to try to fix it. probably because they think it will cost too much money. but i dont understand their line of reasoning there. I would love to have a higher up take a look at the case for 1 hour before they came to that conclusion. but they SHUT IT DOWN. im on your side buddy, i really went to bat for you against those higher up bastards hahahaha but they shut it down.

i cant even talk to the people who are advising me, you think YOU can talk to them? i am trying to get their attention in a chat room, like a piggie fighting for a tit. and hell no im not sure he understood your problem as i hurriedly tried to explain it in one sentence that quickly scrolled away in the chat room. cuz his explanation sure didnt make sense? however the issue didnt make sense to me to begin with, thats why i asked for help, so i was in no position to be able to evaluate if his RESPONSE made sense.

and this was our job, hour after hour, day after day. this is why i went home and STUDIED job stuff. this is why i came in early to read emails and memos and memorize flashcards. this is why i stayed late to HELP newer people.

the whole fookin thing was disgusting hahahaha. and when i got a “flashback” of it yesterday while driving on that road….i was glad i was done with that place hahaha.

i dont know what to do!!!!!

FIGURE IT OUT. that was essentially our job. and if you didnt figure it out right, welp, it would probably break again within 48 hours, they would call back, and now because it was a persistent issue, it could be escalated for someone “SMARTER” to look at and maybe come up with a better line of bullshit to explain it.

i dunno. i Empathized with the callers too much. I didnt like telling them things couldnt be fixed, and I understood how a simple explanation could go a long way: if you cant fix it, at least try to explain it to me. and when you couldnt even do THAT……extreme anger and frustration ensued. i thought how can our company get away with this?

because they werent REALLY serious problems. but i didnt understand how they werent serious problems.

heh. its kinda like you spend your life thinking youre smart, then take an iq test and discover you have a 101 iq. perfectly average. the job underminded muh confidence and taught me, ya know, im just not as smart as i think i am. i dunno the solution to your problem. i dont have anything i can say to know. i just dunno. sorry. youre calling me for help and to fix shit, and the best i can do for you is say I DUNNO.  i cant transfer you to someone more experienced because they wont approve it. because they are trying to limit the mobs of people trying to get answers from them. because SO MANY PEOPLE want answers, but SO FEW PEOPLE have them.

realistically, you shouldnt call tier 1 and expect anything close to an explanation. you should EXPECT someone who sounds untrained, who SOUNDS like they dont really know what theyre doing, like they are grasping at straws, and you should EXPECT that they wont be able to transfer you to someone “better” until theyve struggled with your issue for at least 30 minutes.

i dunno i guess all help desks arent THAT bad. all call centers arent THAT bad. all women arent THAT bad. but are they?

also i was thankful that the callers were mostly polite and understanding and nice. so is that the tradeoff you must make? for nice callers, you must accept impossible issues? fr easy issues, you must accept horrible callers?

how about you just get a question and answer it and you are confident that you actually did the right thing.

yeah but if you didnt, it would just break again the next day and then it would get escalated and a smarter person would find a better answer to it.

well i used to keep track of everything i got escalated so i could look at it later and see what was done. (this is just one Marker of Excellence which separated me from the Average Mediocrity of my female former friend, who had a very black, r-selected approach: just give shitty wrong answers, and not care about it.  rather than like me, obsess over The Truth and Finding The Right Answer, and getting frustrated and flustered over all that. just Accept The Shit, and stop being flustered over giving wrong answers. that was her solution. to someone who strives to be an Excellent White, that shit sounds black as hell to me. high time preference, unhelpful black mamma jamma trying to get this cracka off the phone as quickly as possible, give them the RUNAROUND, PASS THE BUCK.

i might only be 101 iq, but she was at LEAST 10 below me. like where you can tell there is a MARKED difference. she is SIGNIFICANTLY dumber than me. like 90 iq at best she was. hahahahhaa. but i didnt care. and i kinda liked being the smarter one. especially if she looked up to me and thought i was smart. that was a confidence builder for me too.

i am not looking for a damn intellectual equal hahahaha. also i am not nearly as smart as i thought i was anyway. i probably dont have the capacity to solve basic computer problems anyway hahahaha. i am ideally looking for someone a LITTLE dumber than me. someone who thinks IM smart. i used to LAMENT that women were so DUMB and WHY CANT i find an Intellectual Equal, well, a large part of this is Just What Women Are, and you gotta learn to ACCEPT it. and i did!

i just now refuse to accept that they have to be huge sluts with over 10 guys.

i dunno. i will just never understand why she got SO UPSET with me. well because i guess when you get feelings for a female friend, its the worst thing ever, makes you worse than a child molester hahaha.

oh yeah also i never stalked or harrassed her. i sent her 3 emails over 34 days. even 1 LONG email per 11 days is not TOO much.

i mean i WANTED to contact her EVERY DAY: PLEASE RESPOND to me, please acknowledge me, please show me you care about my feelings, please anything. but i didnt hahahahaha. because i was that serious about not STALKING. not that its STALKING to want somebody to Give You A Statement When They Dump You.

i just dont like that she got everything she wanted out of this and i got nothing hahahahaha. she got to get rid of me with no guilt, no effort. well who knows. maybe she DOES feel guilty. i HOPE she does!!!!!!!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/45cdkb/i_tried_29f_to_break_up_in_a_friendly_way_with_my/

see this gurl TRIED to break up with this guy in a nice way, but he made it impossible because he was a huge douchebag hahahahaha.

heh. last night took nyquil and went to bed at 730 pm, did not get out of bed until almost 4 pm the next day hahahahah. WOW. i didnt feel super sad or derpressed, just didnt want to get out of bed for 20 hours.

PLENTY of people WANT to stay in bed for 20 hours, but CANT because they have RESPONSIBILITIES!

0213

ok well basically i felt i meant more to that person, than for her to be able to TMALAPOG.  imho its HARD to do that to somebody unless you HATE them and never want to see them again. like your WIFE cheated on you with your BEST friend, over and over again, all your friends. and even then i would give them a note, like good riddance to you you piece of shit, rot in hell you piece of shit, i wish i never met you, may the rest of your shitty life be CURSED. something like that.

yeah its just mind blowing. trying to think how somebody could DO that. even if its “Easy way out” of avoiding confrontation. you can send a text and still avoid confrontation.

hehehehe. i am essentially the person who gets DUMPED via post it note, or fax, and then i turn it around on myself and say, wow, i must be a REAL piece of shit to deserve THIS!

when the joke is, it reflects very poorly on the person doing the dumping. makes them look like a jerk/coward. that is the intended reaction/punchline to the classic joke of “i was dumped via a post it note.”

i was dumped via a text.

shit i would have luved for the LUXURY of being dumped with a post it note or a text!!!

but yeah. the overwhelmingly appropriate reaction is, fook that coward, you deserve way better, dont waste a minute being upset about them!

heheheheh. i guess she needs to waste a few more years dating Jerks who dont treat her well, and i need to waste even more years being Alone hahahahahah.

hahahaha i have been nothing but alone and these women have been nothing but With Men, and I still know more about Relationships and Communication than THEY do. namely treat people the way you want to be treated. and how would YOU treat THEM if the situation was reversed? youd treat them a HELL of a lot better than they are treating you. they are not giving you a fair shake at all. theyre not putting ANY damn EFFORT it. they dont CARE, theyre not WILLING to do any work. they just want you to instantly be a less annoying person. damn.

oh i got dumped with a TEXT, i must have done something REALLY bad!

NO! you say DAMN what a JERK who dumped me with a TEXT!

and this was 9000000 times WORSE! i would have LOVED a text!

its like married at first site. all the couples are idiots and will probably fail because the women are all so stupid, and are always mad at the men for stupid reasons, and expect the men to read their stupid minds, while the men are desperately trying to communicate, saying please just communicate with me, dont run away from this! and the women run away from it and say UGH i need SPACE to PROCESS this, meanwhile the man is frustrated and has no idea what is going on. becuase the WOMAN is not WILLING to communicate. its so stupid to see.

there is david and ashley and she accuses him of texting another woman to “go out for drinks” when really it was just a huge misunderstanding happening at a pretty bad timing. then she hits him with this. he tries to explain it but she is not willing to listen to his side of the story. really all it is is an unfortunate misunderstanding, its not what it looks like.

anyway she is COMPLETELY UNWILLING to listen to his side of the story. ironically enough he was trying to Reach Out to one of Her Facebook Friends so he could learn more about Her and how to Treat Her Better, because she was a horrible communicator and wouldnt talk to him ever. turns out the woman he picked was just as stupid as his wife, and the woman tattled to the wife ummmm yr husband is like trying trying to go out with me for drinks just thought you should know.

now he gave her no indication that he was looking to cheat, but they have had constant misunderstandings and  miscommuncations because she stubbornly refuses to listen to him or communicate with him and he is udnerstandably getting very frustrated, and always having to give her space, etc. anyway this one doesnt look like it will last, and it will be all her fault, cuz she is not willing to put in any effort at all.

oh well i dont HAVE to put in any effort, becuase this rel is all in your head. see, you luv ME, but i dont luv YOU, therefore, i dont have to do anything for you. i can just throw you away LAPOG.

NOPE! doesnt matter if you dont have feelings. if you have any sort of friendship, you always owe it to your friend, even IF you are having troubles, to never TTALAPOG. Period.

wow, so many shitlibs and women and leftists and cucks and beeta leftists and phaggots and gun haters and swpls and self loathing whites, and j00s and babykillers and blacks all on twitter making very tasteless remarks after the sudden death of justice scalia. i knew he was hated by shitlib traitors but i guess i forgot by how much. really tasteless and classless these phaggots spitting on his grave like this!

but this is kinda a HUGE deal cuz the scotus is ridiculously powerful and scalia was prob one of the good guys

and these privileged self hating whites really hated him like he was hitler or something hahaha saying they are gonna celebrate his death by having all sorts of gay sodomy and abortions and shit, god damn disgusting degenerates!

i was gonna say you dont need to be religious at all to believe many if not most things religious people do.  you can use non religious arguments against abortion, casual sex, pornography, cheating, open relships, all those degen shit that women like to do. you can be a fedora atheist and still be very against those things. in fact i think its kinda MORALLY WEAK to NEED the idea of religion/god to CONVINCE you that those things are immoral. you should be against them because they are obviously wrong on the surface. they hurt other people and do harm to your fellow man. they corrode the soul.

you dont need to be relgious to find these things horribly immoral: casual sex. pronography. abortion. cheating. open rels. its not just about having fun and feeling good. its about having no damn respect for human life, and breaking peoples hearts willy nilly. it sucks!

so yall disgusting degens can go celebrate by doing SODOMY hahahaha. sodomitic secs. damn i should bring that word back. basically meaning any kind of secs done by a degenerate. even PIV secs. if its outside of a monog rel, its SODOMY.

0214

had interesting dream where i heard of a casual sex (swingers?) party and this gurl i liked would be there. thankfully That Woman had nothing to do with this dream. the gurl was this Bad Gurl i liked in 7th and 8th grade, one of the first gurls i ever liked. i would still bang her today if she looked good. i looked at her on facebook like 2 or 3 years ago and she didnt seem to have any kids and looked good enough.

anyway there were lots of black guys at the party and the implication was, if she was not gonna be having casual sex with ME, she would be having casual sex with THEM, and i figured, better me than them, women have no idea how to protect their race. and then we started having casual sex and i found it very profound and meaningful and started developing a connection to her, when it was impossible to say whether she was getting any loyalty to ME.

but yeah just a naked body of an attractive woman up on me, banging them, making out with them, felt good, even if it was a casual sex party and she would have done the same with tons of black guys if i had not shown up.

essentially just a degen sodomite sex party for straights, kinda like the gays have promiscuous standard fook parties and such, only here you have women defiling themselves as well, just passing themselves around for pleasure and sodmy hahahahha.

and then i thought, well if i ever had secs with That Woman, i would fall in love with her even WORSE. yet she goes out and fooks all sorts of creepy sleazy guys and feels nothing, or gets over them very quickly, because the secs means nothing to her, its just a thing that is fun sometimes, youre not offering something special, such as your uterus’s power to make children.

how about a little loyalty, that you are not gonna just Use Me For Secs then Throw Me Away. jeez. sounds like what the worst Cad Men do to women!

women have turned into sleazy Cad Players!

it takes a lot of White Privilege to not say that Scalia was a Monster Who Was Worse Than Hitler hahahaha. if you merely call him a Respected And COntroversial Jurist, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution hahahaha. hiding behind your white privilege to punch down at the oppressed classes which Your Kind has Oppressed for Centuries.

dont treat people like MEAT, dont treat people like GARBAGE. when in doubt, use kindness and tenderness and mercy when brutally using a meat cleaver to end a longterm rel hahahaha.

this is not how you end a longterm rel!

and yet its ok for her to go out and have secs with random sleazebags and show them more loyalty and kindness because its her body, she can do what she wants.

well i cant control the DISGUSTING, IMMORAL degenerate sodomy and murder she does with her body, but I do get to say its horrible and immoral and wrong and degenerate.

and i hate other people getting a chance when i never got a chance. im not REALLY talking about luv and secs, i am basically talking about a chance to be treated like anything other than shit. be kind and loyal and giving and loving to some shitty guy, maybe some black guy youre having casual sex with, and be more kind and loyal and loving to him than a person youve known for 3 years.

basically women disposing of secs partners, of lovers, of friends, of BF’s, of babies, just they way they go through PEOPLE like a MEAT GRINDER is fooking HORRIFYING to me. go through the stages of a relship unnaturally fast, skip entire parts (like the ending), throw you away, lose interest quickly. they dont have the decency to treat you with kindness. they kill they own children, they cheat and lie  and live lies and dont even know how to feel guilt any more hahahaha. they are 900000000000 times bigger MONSTERS than scalia hahahahahaha.

or i should say how the left views scalia.

i just hate how women view secs as such a casual unimportant thing, and i always get nervous and view it as a veyr important thing. but they just give it away like candy. to everyone but me hahahaha.

just dat image of a young womans pale white body glued to yours as you bury your D in her, making out with her, her sighing and moaning and getting aroused. its super intense. how can they not see how intense it is? naked sweaty flesh on flesh. good lord. and with somebody you have feelings for. and there there are right up on you, wrapping legs around you, you staring into their eyes and being closer to them than you have been with a person in 10 years………OR this is just like a casual handshake that you do with lots of people, you’ll get over the novelty and intensity of this very quickly and be looking for new people to do it with.

this is very important to you, and not very important to them at all, it will take you forever to forget this, they will have forgotten it almost immediately and looking for a new guy to take your place.

heh. this is why i put special emphasis on find women i could TRUST, finding women who had not been with LOTS of guys. and i still get treated like garbage hahaha.

heh. everything i learned from previous “relships” did not really come in handy because here, the shit just hit the fan and was over before i knew it. so now i can say, welp, if the woman is AVOIDING me for more than 3 months, then just write an email; and take into account the closeness of our rel.

but yeah on this super cold valentines gay i just want her white body pressed against mine hahahaha.

hahaha this is ridiculous. quake was a big gaym in my high school days and is still full of nostalgia.

jeez. all i want is her back in my life, being friendly to me, then we become more than friends, and have luving secs till the end of time.

when you have secs with someone you love its like a completely different thing. but Women wouldnt know that now would they hahahaha.

i would just tell her: i didnt want you to fall in luv with me. that would have been NICE but all i wanted to just deal with the situation like adults and not end up devastated with the worst ending possible. just reject me nicely and we can get on with our lives.

0215

see i dont even know whats normal and whats not. i have my ridic ideas about whats moral and whats not. but what if its normal and right and just and natural to just dump people LAPOG.

heh. or better yet, to be a pathetic guy THINKING you were thrown away LAPOG but you were just rejected like normal, rejected in a probably decent polite way…..but you just feel snubbed and rejected becuase you were  Ya Know, Rejected, and you’re emotionally compromised and it doesnt register that she did a pretty good job of rejecting you. because now shes DONE with you and you see her getting more Worked Up over new random guys than she ever got over you!

in 2 months she is going CRAZY over some other guy and has totally forgotten you, and you are like, welp she’ll come around. she just doesnt know she luvs me yet hahahahah.

ANYWAY i can GUARANTEE you that i was ACTUALLY TALAPOG. and that she made no effort whatsoever hahaha. at least acknowledge that you were an important person to me. i realize i wasnt important to you AT ALL hahahaha.

yeah but i was. for a time she was nicer to me than any woman had ever been. even if we were not Lovers, there was a Closeness in the Friendship that made it seem more important than a Casual Acquaintanceship. made it seem like a Close Top Tier Friendship, rather than a short lived, not very important friendship. dont lie to yourSELF. you know i was an important person to you!!!!!

basically it was confidence building to know that I Mattered To A Woman, I wasnt some kind of forgettable nobody nothing, that I was important to her and meant something to her and was a big deal in her life and she would have stood up for me and defended me and been loyal to me. but when it ended, i was just as unimportant to her as some random nobody. feels bad man.  just because she was so immature she felt that me getting feelings for her was some kind of Deep Betrayal like Cheating. unbelievable.

but yeah then you doubt, were the good times ever really that good? were we EVER REALLY that close? was this whole thing only in my mind? is this normal?

yeah i guess i just dont like her saying that i meant nothing to her when i am pretty sure i DID mean something to her. i dont appreciate that dishonesty one bit. yeah things can CHANGE and people can have a falling out, but dont DENY THE PAST. esp when there was a lot of good in the past.

so, she is gonna deny the past, and there is nothing i can do about that. its just painful when its more than jsut the past, its ME. she’s denying I had any importance in her life, when i did. when i particularly like being important to women, and particularly dislike being a forgettable nobody that they dispose of and replace quickly and efficiently.

hhahahahaha im not that lame and unlikable. i used to have friends that liked me quite a bit. im still that same person deep down hahahaha. i made an impact on their lives. i just never made an impact on any womans life hahahaha. random guys they had casual secs with had a bigger impact on them than i did hahahaha.

5 minutes with an alpha means more to them than 10 YEARS with a beta hahahaha. and i am actually lesser than a beta.

its kinda like when peter betrayed Ever Knowing Jesus. basically a person denying your existence, saying they never knew you, never met you, were never friends with you, you were nothing to them.  YOU are being denied.

i wish i had moar pictures of me and her, well specifically that SHE had the pictures and would come across them one day and be like yeah i DID know him, i cant DENY that.

what about the little things i gave her, like a mix cd or this other thing i gave her. did she throw them away? bury them in a box and forget about them? the worst would be if they were just sitting out and she looks at them and doesnt even THINK of me. like OH. just some guy i used to know. i dont even remember if i fooked him. oh no. we were just friends for 3 years and he was a good friend but then he betrayed me by getting feelings for me so i cut him loose like he deserved. good riddance. it was pathetic seeing him beg at the end like a pathetic pussy. i need a real man. like tyrone who knocked me up and abandoned me with a bastard baby. oh i wish he would come back to me hahahaha.

yeah i just thought i meant/mattered more to her than that. and i probably did. but she will NEVER admit it.

or i just really DIDNT.

im not even sure which is worse! probably the second. where shes not denying anything. i just really mean nothing to her.

THEN. i meant nothing to her THEN. hahahaha.

i need to get back to the old gym, its been a fookin eternity. i am losing weight though, because i am not eating anything hahahahaha. but i NEED to go to the gym just to damn MOVE. try to do that tonight.

yeah well it doesnt matter if you feel anything NOW. realize that the other person still feels something and just try to do the NICE, DECENT, COURTEOUS thing, how YOU would like to be treated in that situation. simplest, easiest test in the world, for how to be a good person and do the right thing. treat them like you want to be treated. golden fookin rule.

look i wont have many regrets when it comes to things i should have done, ie i wish i had been kinder and nicer and more open to her. i really couldnt have! but she could have been a HELL of a lot nicer to me. she really dropped the ball.

yeah yeah i could have blurted earlier, done something EARLIER. yeah ok i have some regerts about that hahaha. but in terms of, wow, i was a REAL FOOKIN PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE TO HER and I wish i had been nicer. ? NO. none of that. i tried to be decent and willing and cooperate and kind and gentle and patient and giving.

if anything she will be haunted by thoughts of WOW i was really unfair and mean to HIM. hahahaha then she can come apologize to me and we can live happily ever after because i wont have found a better woman by then hahahaha.

you can tell when a woman is WILLING. she will Bend Over Backwards to Please her man, even if the man is being an asshole. she wont walk out the door. she wont shut down. she will be willing to talk. she will be willing to work things out. lets get through this together hunny. she will be willing to hang out. shell be willing to respond to texts and emails. she will want to talk about serious things liek the state of the rel, because she desperately wants to keep the rel going. when she fights and argues and shit tests you, she gives you CHANCE after CHANCE, rather than walking out and giving up on you after no chances. she is willing to fight and work for your luv and for the health of the rel. she is willng to stand by you when the going gets tough. true loyalty. i demand nothing less from my 3d white waifu hahahahaha.

someone who is not on the fence, but on my damn side. not willing to give up. but willing to roll up the sleeves and FIGHT for something important to them. ie me. i am important to them and worth fighting for. that would be fookin noice. very toight.

she was SO not willing to fight. if she were willing to fight…..i would have FELT it. she would have let me know. there wouldnt have been any doubt. she would have been in my face fighting for it, letting me KNOW she was fighting for it. hehehe. she was in actuality the antithesis of fighting for it. she just wanted it to go away and die forever, maybe a little abortion to help flush it out and dispose of it.

OBVIOUSLY you cannot BE with somebody who FEELS this way abotu your Mutual Relationship.

anyway yeah i ADMIT, thats a lot to ASK of somebody, that is a pretty BIG expectation / responsibility. so you simply say, i respectfully decline that responsibility. i cant handle it. its too much for me. we had a good run but now i have to get off. sorry. have a good life. we had some good times together. but im not willing to really fight for this.

that would have been a mature and acceptable thing to say. rather than im gonna get mad at you and never talk to you again.

cant keep your cool in person? write me an email. write me a LETTER. i dont care.

its like ending your membership at planet fatness hahahaha. send me a certified letter. then you know i got it.

come on. we would get each other crimmus presents. she told me things she had never told another person. it wasnt all in my fookin head.

i hate that excuse, it was all in my head, so she didnt owe me anything. well at one point it was an actual living breathing real life rel that was not in my head, and we both had rights and responsibilities, freely given to each other. she trusted me and liked me enough to tell me things she had never told anybody. i appreciated the trust and never betrayed it. to my knowledge hahahahahahahahahahah. i gave her moral support during her tough times. maybe i feel betrayed that SHE did not give ME moral support during MY tough times. sure.

hehehehe. i was there for her, she wasnt there for ME hahahaha.

thats not technically betrayal, but it does hurt and is just some one sided shit.

this is taking so long to get over because she wasnt jsut some random girl. we were close. for years. that means something motherfooker. maybe not to her, but def to me.

well i gave up my right to moral support from her when i got feelings for her. plus i had already taken a lot of moral support from her by being needy at job.

yeah well how about talking about these things with me, rather than leaving me to figure it all out by myself. when i CANT. its literally impossible. not saying that as a slight against muh average 101 iq; but rather it phsyically takes two people sharing and working together to get answers on this. there are too many unknowns that i would need her to answer. questions i have for her, that she is not willing to answer. shit i would have answered any question she asked me. yes of course i said that in the emails hahaha. ask me ANYTHING. PLEASE.

hahahahah well at least i know that she is NOT willing to Date Me hahahahah. that is no longer an unknown. i mean the silence does answer SOME questions. other questions the silence does not answer. will never answer.

im just like, how did she get THIS important to me? its like i didnt even realize how MUCH she meant to me until it was all over.

well thats not 100% true. i was certainly waking up to it. yeah i think i was as aware as i could have ever been.

i just never expected the ending would be SO devastating. well i also didnt expect it to GO as badly as it did. ok i really gotta go to fatclub.

 

 

INSULT TO INJURY / IF U HAVE TO ASK FOR RESPECT, YR DONE / NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE NEET

0205

shit. definitely have some sort of cold or flu. warm and feverish; occasional cold sweats; feeling of being run over by a truck or a Piece of Garbage hhahaha. mind was RACING last night until 4 am, took some nyquil around 2 am. took more nyquil at 12 pm then went back to bed, avoiding coffee. think i drank too much coffee yesterday. weak wobbly legs. burning eyes. dont even have the energy to look at the internet. yet i said i would meet up with a friend, becuase it seems the right thing to do, plus i am horrible about initiating contact with him. hes no angel though, i have my reasons, namely him having a ridiculous, super disappointing Drinking Problem that will totally ruin his life, marriage, family, friends, relships. but i am too pussy to give him an ultimatum because i dont like ignoring and avoiding people when they reach out to me, or especially i dont want to TTALAPOG. there has been good times and bad times and you just dont do that to people youve known for almost 20 years. they can disappoint you sure, but you arent gonna TTALAPOG unless they SEVERELY BETRAY you, and you cant even imagine what that would entail. bang your gf hahahaha. ive never had a gf he could bang plus he respects me enough to never do that and god forbid i even get a gf that would cheat on me with my long time friends!

i was watching dr phil. he had a lot of great shit to say. i pretty much luv dr phil even if his show is Slippery Schlomo’s Lies. using a Big Goy 4 U as its handsome face.

today they had a white trash mother who had 5 children by 5 different men. WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? AS LONG AS IT WAS CONSENSUAL! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITHOUT JUDGMENT!!!! the mothers mother was taking care of these neglected kids and it was a train wreck. i dont know know if all the children are white, but the 11 year old boy they talked to had a white arm hahahaha.  and it was tragic!!!! total white trash mother!

and another episode about Controlling Husbands. one guy had some good points about about the show selectively showing a doctored picture of their home. hmm standing up to schlomo i said, not bad goy. BUT within minutes it became clear he was Unhinged and was HIGHLY neurotic and not normal. paranoid, obsessive, compulsive, high tension, suspicious, on the edge, very keyed up and anxious and hyper, like he was having a nervous breakdown. i know that feel hahahaha. he tried to reduce his internal anxiety by controlling his wife, but it didnt work. he had to learn to SELF SOOTHE. similar story with the other husband on the show. he was CLEARLY anxious and derpressed about being out of work for YEARS on injury, so he tried to fix his anxiety by controlling his wife.

i thought, WOW, these women PUT UP WITH A LOT. I would have been DUMPED in a NEW YORK SECOND acting like that, not put up with it for YEARS. NOW, these were postwall women in their 40s, certainly not beautiful or anything, but still. they deserve respect too hahahahaha.

WILL YOU TRY THIS POGAM FOR 90 DAYS? dr phil says. and they get so hopeful and jiggle their Bingo Wings when the man says ok yeah i guess if its the only way to keep her from walking.

i was like SHIT. if i asked a woman to do a 90 day program to work on our rel, she would say fook you, 90 days, tahts way too much, thats 3 months! I could find 10 guys that are better than you in every way in that time! See ya!

in other words, these wives were very WILLING and LOVING and LOYAL to STAND BY their men during very bad times. and to fix problems that were 10 times worse than the problems Me and Her had.

also: what IF she is the type of gurl who thinks EVERYTHING IS ABUSE? some people thing everything is abuse, when its really not, its just normal pain or angst or conflict or struggle. its not abuse.

and then if the woman is really comitted to the man, she will stay with him even IF there is REAL abuse!

anyway….do i want to be with a woman who FALSELY ACCUSES me of ABUSE? she’s the type of crazy b who might do a FALSE RAEP ACCUSATION and ruin a mans life with a LIE!!!!! now THATS a horrible betrayal!

how many nervous breakdowns does a person have in their life hahahaha. how often shoud you have them.  i had one in 2001 and then again in 2015.

since then i had quit a lot of bad habits that led to my first “breakdown,” namely alcohol and MJ. but i am still lazy and anxious.

very hard to be PRODUCTIVE.

its like i cant even HANDLE a REgualr BIg boy job, it puts me on the verge of a nervous breakdown and then i have it, and the job and or the rel does not last hahaha.

i am CERTAIN that smoking a LOT of mj before age 25 make me a generally more anxious and despairing person. heavy MJ use increases anxierty AND despair even after you quit. it probably even changes you damn brain permanantly for the worse in those ways.

yet i thougt i knew it all, i believed the degeneracy that said the Herbal Joo is just Mind Expanding MEDICINE to help you RELAX and CHILL OUT.  so why do you get high anxiety and dread and guilt when you partake? then why are you more anxious afterwards, when its out of your system?

i ALWAYS had high anxiety and guilt and shame so its hard to say if i got worse.

also u

0206

one of russell crowes great grandmothers is maori. this makes russell crowe an OCTAROON!!!!! he is essentially 12.5% BLACK!  welp i never would have guessed. lesson: you can be “only” 87.5% white and basically be as good as 100% white in my book hahaha.

this is all because i am watching a beautiful mind on tv which is a decent movie and russell crowe is a decent actor.

heh. i would rather have paranoid schizo and be a successful respected phd mathematician, than have basic bitch anxiety, despair, and maybe one day bipolar, and be a huge frickin loser hahahaha. i mean he just got obsessed and got so good at superhard maths that that was his ticket to success. and top skools and gummint agencies came looking for him to give him well paid work. so he saw a few hallucinations. big deal. small price to pay. and an attractive white wife. though i dont trust that whore jennifer connelly hahahahaha. think she ever cheated on a bf or husbando?

and here i am confusing fiction with reality hahahaha. degenerate actors playing highly fictionalized versions of real people who are probably not as degenerate and certainly not nearly as good-looking.

Why Good People Ghost: The Rise Of A Dishonest Dating Culture

this person is a degenerate even as they start to recognize the degeneracy in the “current dating culture.” i guess its not bad enough to keep them from having Casual Sex with multiple people at the same time, just cuz thats NORMAL now.

heh. i couldnt sleep and thought my best hope would be maybe when i am 40 i could find like a 34 year old single mom with 2 kids already and then i might be able to convince her to have a child with me. but having two children with her would be rough. but her preexisting kids would not respect me and then they would prob also bully My child because its not their full sibling and its part of me, who they dont like. and if im not strong enough to overcome those influences, then my child will grow up to be a white trash loser. either a drug addict scumbag, or a neet virgin unable to mate with white girls.

yeah i dont like the word “ghosting.” there is the implication that you are “dating”, and only for a short time, and also that everything SEEMS to be going well.

here we were friends, for a long time, and it was clear things werent going well, and she just avoided and ignored and did silent treatment and no respond. “ghosting” doesnt quite describe it fully.

i hate when you cant pass a caller onto someone more knowledgable, so you have to essentially figure their shit out ON THE SPOT. in the space of several minutes, you have to go from not knowing to knowing, and explain it to them.

or lets say you have angry clients who are demanding a discount because you got the order wrong, or late, or damaged. then you say sorry about that, well get a replacement out in 30 to 60 days, no discounts, sorry, and you can get away with that because you are kind of a monopoly. you know your clients arent gonna find some other company who can do it for cheaper in a …… 3 state radius i dunno.

or they WANT an explanation but you cant give them an explanation because an explanation is really SUPERFLUOUS. they dont really NEED it, plus it costs MONEY to come up with one, so, its better for the company to not give an explanation.

i just hate looking stupid and unprofessional and then get angry at the company for saying this is ok.

nope i cant transfer you to a higher up. I cant even talk to the higher ups!

no one has time to confirm if youre doing your job right, only that youre meeting whatever stupid quality metrics. but as far as doing the actual technical procedures correctly….that is NOT measured. it would be impossible to measure other than having a higher up sit with you for at leat 8 hours and watch all the technical stuff you do. and its LAUGHABLE to suggest that a higher up should do this. they all have their OWN case loads, the stuff tier 1 couldnt figure out. they dont have TIME to TRAIN tier 1!!!!! NOBODY has time to train tier 1!!!!!!

i like to take pride in my work, and not Pass The Buck like a black, or try to Scam like a Schlomo. I want to treat people honestly and fairly and give them Good Service.

now when i say pass the buck, i mean transfering them before youve even attempted to solve the problem. However I think if you’ve been bashing your brains out for an hour trying to solve the problem and its clear that youre just doing trial and error, then you should be able to transfer it to someone else.

its like going to a math tutor for calculus 4, but that tutor has never taken calculus 4, let alone passed it with an A or a B. YOU have taken more calculus 4 than your tutor. So the tutor breaks out the same textbook you have, says WELP lets look at the old manual, then maybe checks a few OTHER textbooks, then checks google, and says WELP a lot, then finally WELP i THINK i might have gotten it, then gives you an answer that might be wrong, but neither he nor you can PROVE its wrong, then a week later you get your homework back and the instructor has put a big X on it, indicating that its wrong, but no indication WHY, so then you have to go back to the same stupid tutor again.

or when 3 or more departments bounce you back and forth because “we dont handle that, this other department does”………and some of the people who say that are correct….but at least one person is bullshitting. yes, your department DOES handle it. but they are too untrained or they dont have a knowledgable person available to ask, “hey does our department handle this?” so the fookin new guy just “errs on the side of caution” to get the person off the phone. becuase HE cant get better advice from anyone in HIS area.

i hate this kind of shit. its like the lunatics running the asylum. or a bunch of black warlords making up the rules as they go along. you see this kind of CHAOS and you wonder how the company can stay in business WITHOUT scamming people!!!!!!!!

no accountability. that kind of stuff bothers me. i dont mind being held accountable for my work as long as i can get reliable answers from my higher ups. tell me WHY this is happening so i can have an EXPLANATION for them. give me some kind of ETA, even a rough ESTIMATE.

or lets say you are at home depot and theres a tornado. some of the employees tell the customers to stand in the middle of the store. other employees try to corral the customers into like a warehouse or soemthing. other employees scream run outside! get out of the building as fast as you can!

and whats amazingly clear is that these employees have not been trained on tornado procedures.

shit like that just looks really really bad imho!

but at least now i understand WHY it happens. because its a COST.

maybe the training was reduced to a computer module or a something the employee has to sign off on. but because they are pressured to do the training module after they punch out, they go through it as fast as possible, click click click click without reading it, because theyre not getting paid for this, and they want to get home and smoke MJ hahahaha or work on their masters degree or pick their kids up from indoctrination and shove some macdonalds in their face.

so you have to be good at bullshitting and nobody teaches you how to bullshit, there are not even good articles on the INTERNET teaching you how to bullshit. its like its some kinda big SECRET.

i would say its about telling pretty lies, but lies you cant get caught it, and always trying to cover your ass, and telling them what they want to hear, but not making promises, while trying to keep their hopes up, and when in doubt, throw your higher ups under the bus (“i really went to bat for you sir, but those bastards higher up the food chain just arent gonna play ball, it is what it is”) AND realize what you can and cannot get away with, what corners you can and cannot cut.

SEE? this is fooking HORRIBLE! as an honest white person, i just want to do an honest job and not have to bullshit and cut corners, but also not look stupid or unprofessional. damn.

like shouldnt you acting like an untrained idiot reflect poorly on YOUR manager? yes it SHOULD, but it DOESNT if nobody can get AHOLD of your manager! that you would get WRITTEN UP if you gave your managers phone number to someone! shit you dont even know how to transer a caller to your managers VOICE MAIL, and neither do any of the people around you. so you just freak out and transfer the caller to the main line, and hope you dont get them again when your call ends.

and you yourself learned to be unaccountable because…..no one was accountable to you, they werent accountable for their work, why should YOU be accountable for your work? especially if you dont really know what youre doing? you can always claim ignorance! because everyone was ignorant in some ways!

basically you just DO shit until you got in trouble for it, then said oh im sorry i didnt know that was a thing. i dont do it again!

so yeah it should reflect poorly on your manager…….if your clients/customers could ever talk to your manager! managers dont have to take calls because THEY DONT WANT TO! you can tell the person whos complaining about you, that you will pass along their complaint to a manager, who will call them back if they want, but no promises.

WRONG ANSWER. i demand to speak to a manager.

really the best think you CAN do is change your voice and pretend to be a manager, or have your neighbor do it, but they probably wont have time.

0207

it was difficult to get used to the work but even more difficult to get used to the NATURE of the work. namely, an Inbound Tier 1 Call Center where you didnt have much freedom or autonomy to call someone back; you couldnt Have Someone Else call Them Back with an answer; you didnt have an Explanation or an Estimated Time for anything; you seemed poorly prepared because you WERE poorly prepared, unless you were crazy obsessed like me and went home after a long stupid day and went right back into the shit and STUDIED it on your free time!

come home, eat dinner, get blazed on the herbal j00, listen to some Bach or Beethoven or Religious Chanting, get on to company intranet and read your case notes and knowledge base and work email and shit. damn.

i liked being able to immerse myself in the stuff in a peaceful environment, with no phones ringing and nobody demanding answers now, and i could just study and understand and practice shit, and yeah i think the herbal j00 was helpful there in “defragmenting” my mind after a long day. though maybe it wasnt NECESSARY. but at that point i really enjoyed it and had no desire to stahp. i looked forward to it at the end of a tuff day. if i couldnt be with muh female friend and cuddle with her and yes i would secs her up as well, cuz theres nothing women hate more than a pussy sensitive man who likes cuddling but is nervous about fooking. so i would just get blazed and occasionally text her and she would text back and i would get my fix that way.

so its her fault for giving me my fix?

NO….but it did give me false hope that we would Hang Out Someday. Because Friendly Texting implies that Yes, We Will Hang Out Again Someday, not I Am Going To TUALAPOG / Abort / BTFO you.

in other words, she could have started avoiding/ignoring/blocking me THEN!! instead of responding to texts.

i dunno. you dont have to like someone back, to care about them and their lives, especially when you used to have a long term friendship. you used to be important to them and now you are not important at ALL. still i dont think thats a REASON to throw anyone away LAPOG. you say, welp i have lost interest in them, but they are still a decent human being, and we once had a good friendship, so, it would be WRONG to TTALAPOG, so im just gonna talk to them and tell them im done lol.

but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. hahahahaha.

anyway. basically if someone wants an explanation and your higher ups dont have one and you cant figure it out, just tell them, im sorry, but there just is no explanation for this. and if they continue to push, tell them you’ll look into it and contact then yourself within 72 hours. and then go home and reserach the issue during your free time and email them then. or just blow them off and hope they forget it hahahahaha.

http://archive.is/3xQbc

they have a PERFECT relship except for the SECS, he has a bad habit of losing his Erection, and he is afraid she will dump him because he’s not improving quickly enough, even though their rel is prefect in every other way. just that hes not improving FAST enough for her liking. he knows if she dumps him he will be devastated, and i fully believe him! not really any good responses so far. i am tempted to say: if this is such a good rel, she would GIVE YOU A CHANCE.

like it should take 90 days to notice any kind of change but theyve only been “Dating” a “Few WEEKS.” and this slut is annoyed the SECS isnt as nonawkward as she thinks it should be. after a few weeks. and shes 18 and has been with a lot of guys. do you think she is gonna give him a chance for 90 days? fook no, she’s gonna dump him, and he’s gonna be devastated. he is already worried that the emotional devastation will affect his school performance. and yes it probably will. and this will then affect his career for the rest of his LIFE hahahahaha. he will get a worse GPA, not be able to get certain jobs, not be able to go to certain grad skools. fook no a 19 year old young man is not ready for this, i dont think you CAN be at that age.

this is why women should not go to college hahahaha. honestly they shouldnt hahahaha. they just become sluts anyway.  like this gurl. 18 years old and already ruined for life. and this young mans risking his entire life on a fickle, impatient 18 year old slut. what a shame.

heh i actually replied on reddit. my first reply hahahahahaha.

basically i told him she needs to be more understanding and give him time and not hang the threat of dumping him over his head. like THATS gonna help him perform better. plus this is the FIRST gurl he has ever been with. he is just getting used to secs. come on. give the guy a CHANCE. and if they are so GOOD, they will be able to communicate about this and work through it, rather than her saying “fix yourself FAST.” i said, how would YOU treat HER if SHE was the one with the secsual problem? you would prob bend over backwards to support her. is she doing that for you?

would you treat her like she is treating you now? prob NOT!

would I treat my female former friend the way she treated me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. OH GOD. I WOULD NEVER TREAT SOMEBODY LIKE THAT. TTALAPOG. NEVER.

oh noes, the TRS forum has been SHOAHED because of the troll raids on kristen howerton on twitter, the swpl therapist mommy blogger who brags about her two adopted black boys and has Creepy Suggestive pictures of them with her White Biological Daughters. and the husband is of course a family therapist and very cucky. so some TRS people and i assume general twitter shitlords jumped on and tried to shame the woman. there was a big trs thread which probably should have been not public hahahaha.  kind of suprising a mod did not move the thread to the private section, but the mods work and have lives, unlike the neets like me who read the forum all day.

i certainly did not TWEET anything, but i did like a bunch of posts in the trs thread hahahaha. maybe i will get banned from the forum.

i didnt think the harrassment was too bad, considering she was putting all these pictures out there publicly. and the trolls were just photoshopping in buckets of kfc or that sort of thing hahahaha.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/02/05/when-a-public-family-is-publicly-attacked/?_r=0

wow the ny slimes actually had an article about it. whoa

https://archive.is/cjZDH

interview with a 58 year old virgin

https://archive.is/Z8cr9

ridiculous 8ch thread on male virgins wow how long can it get

http://archive.is/wlDVg

make women great again, women are degen crap, they need better role models hahahaha

i went on pol because trs got shut down and figured 8pol would be good place to go

0208

heh. weighed in at 159 pounds in the morning pre coffee, post morning Micturation hahahaha, in which you can easily get rid of like 1 lb of Water Weight. so this means my first goal is reached, hooray, i am no longer “overweight.” but on the very high end of normal. consumed less than 1200 calories yesterday and myfitnesspal told me this was not recommended, i am not eating enough, and will not show me my projected 5 week weight until i consumed 1200 calories hehehehe.

now you could consume 1300 calories and burn 1000 calories at the gym, it wont complain about that.

but i have been Ill with a fever or cold or something and have not been eating much or exercising, dont want to go to gym when sick. seem to be getting better tho.

now just gotta lose 19 more pounds hahahahahaha.

make it a goal to lose 14.88% of your body weight.

its not gonna help you get women unless youre tall, but it will help you get healthier and feel more confidence when you look at your no longer so fat body. might make it easier to get jobs and keep people from Bullying you at Work hahahahahahahahaha. Whose bullied more, fat people or nonfat people? i mean skinny nerds get bullied all the time. but so do fat losers.

i watched “married at first sight” and all the women suck. i mean the men arent great either, but theyre better than the women. its a common thing where the man will want to communicate, lets communicate and put an effort into solving this problem, but the woman would rather shut down, run away, not communicate, be mad, throw a tantrum, and the guy is understandably frustrated: he wants to fix this, and she is not willing in the least. how about a litle cooperation and willingness. nope.

so i say a good thing is to give them a spanking and then hopefully they respect you again.

its just a real shitty situation when the woman stops respecting you. you cant then go to her and beg plleeeeeaaasseeee respect me, ill do anything you want, what do i have to do for you to respect me? answer: nothing. its impossible. if you have to ask, you;ll NEVER get respect.

and when you see your beloved turning away from you, drifting away from you, you get scared and desperate and its real hard to stand up and be the hard man which is the only way youll get respect back!

heh. how do i get respect from my male friends. just by being myself, being a decent person. not brain surgery.

but this is NOT enough if you want to get respect from women. you gotta be a tough guy and a hardass too hahahaha. yeah well i dont respect women cuz they are sluts and mudsharks and too damn promiscuous! goes both ways bitches hahahahaha.

the disrespect was just a double whammy on top of the rejection though. insult to injury. you can injure me but please dont insult me on top of it. i really didnt deserve that. other sluts gave me more respect when they dumped me hahaha why couldnt you.

i dunno. i just hate getting disrespected. if i did something wrong i am usually the first to feel ashamed about it. even moreso than other people. so to get disrespect from them for a total overreaction, misjudgment, mistake, misunderstanding, is fooking infuriating.

but you cant make somebody respect you. or stop disrespecting you.

google gf doesnt respect me

hhehehehe the mainstream and womens media makes it look like this never happens. but it obviously happens a lot. men everywhere are being disrespected by women.

whose fault is it? the men for being shitty little pussies? or the women for gradually coming to take their men for granted? i mean they knew what they were getting into!

a guy like me will take all the responsibility and blame: well she doesnt respect me any more, it MUST have been something i DID, now let me fight to WIN BACK her respect.

when yeah i WAS being more of a pussy and women HATE and disrespect that……but i also think it can be a conscious choice too. like, i once respected this person, what did they REALLY DO to cause my respect to decrease?

is there really a good reason to disrespect this person or am i just overreacting?

i dunno. its just so stupid that women can be so childish and immature and wrong and they never have to answer for it. is that part of their natural Privileges from having the uterus? maybe. that they are shielded from any consequences of their immaturity. that may well hurt men, but doesnt hurt the women in the least.

i dunno. maybe. therefore  im not allowed to be upset.

well, i AM allowed to be upset, i was the one wrongly disrespected!

i just wish she face some damn KARMA for this. JUSTICE hahahahaha. justice for me hahahahaha. what goes around comes around. but when it comes to women being immature…..what goes around doesnt always come back around. they just keep being stupid idiots until they have at least 2 kids. women need at least 2 kids before they stop being children themselves. till then they can go around treating people like shit.

hell no its not right, and thats why mothers and fathers would raise their daughters not to treat people like shit!

just make a damn effort to not break hearts in the most devastating way possible. and this was someone i knew and trusted, who treated me badly. just a total mindfook but i am slowly become numb to it, which is really the best and only solution here, because there wont be any REAL closure.

closure ultimately comes from within, but SOME closure CAN come from the other person. they CAN help you in the process. indeed, that is the decent thing to do. help the person you’re dumping and heartbreaking, to get started on the path to closure. give them a little bit to start them off.

anyway i have been taking nyquil every night for about 5 nights so, that kinda numbs the mind as well. feeling better so want to get off that. just try the dayquil today.

but yeah dr phil would be a great independent tribunal, an arbiter if you will. i would bring her on and we would present our cases and dr phil would say ya know sweetie, you’re just acting like a spoiled child here, he deserves better treatment. we at the dr phil show side with him. now go apologize to him and ask him for forgiveness. also consider dating him too. a white man who actually cares about you and would fight to make things work with you.

http://archive.is/53KA7

daily reminder to find a good wife, how to do so amidst the sea of degen whores hahahaha

http://shrink4men.com/2011/04/18/are-you-an-abused-man-three-questions/

QUOTE  “My wife thinks I’m being abusive and controlling when I tell her her behavior is hurtful.” END

yeah that sucks. when a woman accuses YOU of being abusive when you are just trying to communicate and or stand up for yourself, and she gets all upset, and you think…….wait……maybe i AM really abusing her!

but youre not!

0209

im not asking to never be disappointed. just that you attempt to show a little human decency and common courtesy when disappointing me, try not to add insult to injury. show a SHRED of kindness. dont be the worst person you can be. dont COMPLETELY BTFO people you have known for YEARS without a single word.

plus it makes me feel even worse for liking her. like i never thought i could like someone again, and i took a leap of faith and opened muh heart miraculously, took a chance, decide someone is important enough to you to make sacrifices for, have chirren with…….and then they TUALAPOG. and you were thinking about spending your LIFE with them and having CHIRREN with them.

makes you think holy shit how could i be so WRONG about this person?

i thought I KNEW them!

hey i was no angel. i was not perfect. my communication skills left a lot to be desired. but the right thing to do when your real actual literal friend gets feelings for you is to say IM SORRY BUT I DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU hehehe.

yeah its always complicated though, its never really a good situation.

why didnt I just TAKE THE HINT and stop pressing the issue? and just move on?

well because i was desperately hoping we would hang out at SOME point, and this was a person i USED to hang out with. its not like i NEVER hung otu with her. for a long time we would hang out semi regularly. and that sets a tone and expectation of semi regular hanging out.

shit yeah it would be a LOT DIFFERENT if i NEVER hung out with her ever. but thats not the case.

like for example when you know EARLY ON you are interested in the gurl, before you even really hang out with her.

but yeah its just weird when you already have an established thing, are already friends, have a history of hanging out, also they have some legit good reasons for space, you try to give it to them.

i dunno. yeah i guess i coulda just taken the hint, but this shit was different, because we had something already, we were already friends, we already hung out, that i think sets some expectations and such. i was WAY closer and friendlier with woman2015 than i was with woman2012. woman2o12 we were just friendly acquaintances. w2015, we were full blown friends. no doubt about it. that makes a big difference.

yeah i KNOW that by getting feelings I single handedly CHANGED the relationship without her consent. but i was trying to get her consent, or her input, or whatever.  you dont have to like me back but please be gentle when you break my heart, please make an attempt not to add insult to injury. how hard is this. say thanks for the good times and i wish you well. thts all.

im not entitled to anything, i just think because we had a 2-3 year friendship, that i had a reasonable expectation to a SHRED of mercy and kindness and courtesy and respect, thats all, nothing more, nothing less.

anyway. really gotta get over this. i have become a total neet loser. and she is a winner making tons of money and tons of white knights fawning over her, but she will prob screw it up by getting knocked up by a badboy and being too stupid to use a rubber, oh they feel weird, oh im just too stupid, and who cares about the stds from these sleazebags, im a sleazebag too. but shes not a neet loser hahahaha.

are there any female neets? i dont think so! they simply dont exist! and yeah thats a biological privilege i am not arguing with. i am not REALLY butthurt about that hahahaha.

i just wish women were kinder and more respectful to men. to ME hahahahaha. theres no biological reason they cant be more respectful to me hahahaha.

come on. doesnt matter if i “revoked our friendship on the spot”. i claim i didnt. if you claim i did, burden of proof is on you to prove why.

 

 

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

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EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!!

that was my big lesson yesterday.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

That Person TURNING on me, that was for the REASON on, to teach me the LESSON of, I thought she was the ONE……but she WASNT. I was WRONG about her being my soulmate or wife or waifu or gf. i was so in luv, and the luv itself wasnt wrong…..but the person was wrong.

i thought she was the one…..and this is the hands of fate or muh higher power saying NOPE. WRONG. SHE IS NOT the ONE.

ITS NOT MEANT TO BE.

and similarly, that job was not meant for me. i mean i hated it anyway but i learned how to survive it and prob would have kept surviving if SHE wasnt there. but it wasnt the job i was destined for hahahahaha.

besides even if the next job i get is even shittier…….itll also by definition be somewhat better because SHE wont be there.

and if i fall in luv with a coworker, then i will just tell her and get it over with. it will be easier because i wont have a long term friendship/relship on the line.

its not like i just met That Woman at That Job. it was a very unusual situation, where we were ALREADY friends, and then BOTH got this new job at the same time, as kind of a cooperative coordinated effort. i didnt get into the new job THEN meet her.

heh though i did meet her at my previous job. then we became friends, gradually became closer in IMHO a very Natural and Slow Normal Right Good Process, rather than fooking somebody in a damn Grotesque Charade of Intimacy within a few weeks.

we became closer and of course talked about jobs and finding better jobs. found out a company was hiring a ton of people. both got in.

what if i fell in luv with her while at previous job? well…..during that time she was still with her boifran. and i didnt have feelz for her. and if i DID, we were CLOSER then, and TALKED and HUNG OUT more, so, i prob would have found it easier to tell her.

heh. i wonder if she became friends with me just to try to make her bf jealous. its possible. she wanted him to luv her more and i dont think she was above trying to make him jealous.

that didnt really work, cuz i just became normal friends with her, and i eventually became somewhat friendly with HIM! not sure if she saw that coming. but she said she was happy about that because he didnt have many friends.

it was really weird how she took so long to tell me about HIM. she told me about other things but took forever to tell me about him.

its not that she wanted to cheat on him, in fact i fully believe she wanted to make him jealous so HE could prove his luv for her, because she was hopelessly in luv with him, and wanted him to luv HER. sound familiar???? hahahaha

well eventually she opened up to me about him. i took that to mean that these topics it took her FOREVER to talk about but she eventually would. but eventually wiht my case, i couldnt wait forever. it was killing me!

there were a lot of moving parts here. variables. makes my situation unique. i just cant refer to the manual for what to do when you fall in luv with your friend, after 2 years, when you work together, at a horribly stressful job, but you didnt meet at THAT job, and they give you a terrible silent treatment and avoiding, and refuse to hang out with you, when they used to hang out with you. lot of moving parts hahahahaha.

cant just look this one up in the manual and get step by step process of what to do.

no i mean i already know what i should have done, blurted it out within 3 months. so, by like january or feb 2015 at the latest, pulled her aside and told her at work, and or written an email. in feb, not july. that extra 5 months pushed me over the edge.

link to trs forum 2.0 which was completely SHOAHED plus they wouldnt want outsider normies reading their threads ANYWAY

hehehe good thread. marry a loyal feminine nonwhite woman or a piece of shit white woman hahahaha

maybe she owuld have liked me if i PUT HER IN HER PLACE and corrected her bad behavior. it was all a massive shit test, which i failed MISERABLY hahahaha. because i have always been bad at shit tests. and thats why ive never “been with” a woman more than 2 months. but i can still be friends with women becuase then theres no shit tests.

heh. i wish they didnt give such STUPID shit tests. also there were times when i sort of teased her in a masculine strong way.

heh i regret not being more of an ASSHOLE to her. maybe that would have passed her SHIT TEST and she would have been muh wife hahaha.

but thats the problem with being friends first, is that youre not used to being an ASSHOLE to them.

great thread on trs forum racecucks on hahaha

great forum altogether, been visiting it on the reg and getting useful info from decent “fashy” “based” people. kind of like /pol but not anonymous and more camaraderie towards a more explicit goal than /pol .  these are real people and we all want basically the same thing. sort of.

shit if she wanted me to SPANK her to teach her to be a good gurl and not a bad gurl, and respect me as the man, i was/am MORE THAN WILLING to give her a GOOD spanking!

but yeah when is the first shit test given?

honestly whats more likely is that she was not interested in me at ALL in that way and was not “shit testing” me, even though shit testing is not conscious; but it was her just wanting to avoid dealing with an Inconvenient Truth.

thats a bit different than a simple standard shit test.

1227

i have never been good at shit tests. i have always cracked. i have always been willing to give the women whatever they want. cuz im scared they will leave me. and im like i wish you could just TELL ME what you want and i would work with you. but you just get mad and then leave me because i dont do the right thing apparently. tell me what you want. but thats a joke because its womens nature to never tell you what they want? you have to figure out that they want a strong man to put them in their place somehow. they dont even really know what they want. they need a manly man to SHOW them what they want. and i have never been that kind of man.

and i have ALWAYS failed with women. but its always been uncertain what the cause was. BUT ive always been kinda unmanly in that repsect, that i dont PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE.

of course theyre not going to TELL YOU. theyre TESTING you. they might not even REALIZE theyre testing you. its a NONVERBAL test and i ALWAYS fail it.

but the more reasonable and Positive for me interpretation here is, it wasnt a real shit test, because she was never really interested in me.  she wouldnt even hang out with me. dont shit tests happen when they hang out with you?

try to explain things you dont understand.

trying to fix things, where you dont even know what they ARE. saying fix this car and you dont even know what a car IS.  you bring it back and say uhhhhh does that look good to you? and they say yeah i guess but would you know if you fixed it? and then you bullshit bakc, well, you have to try it though to see if it breaks again. because i dont even know what a car is, i dont know how to test it.

i dont know what its supposed to look like when it works. i couldnt even tell it was broken. now that ive Reset it, im not sure if ive done that right, and i dnt know how to test it.

yes youre right, i DONT know what im doing! but its the current year and dont you know companies dont train people? im an FNG and i am jsut trying to figure stuff out.

its confidence building to figure out a problem on your own, but its not confidence building to take an exam without studying or preparing. and the entire work day is the exam. and people are bitching at you, dont you know what youre doing? no, not really!

mgtows say yes all women are like that or will become like that with the poisonous influence of our culture. women jsut cant be trusted.

traditionals say have you ever TALKED to women? not as many women are shitty like you think. there are more good woman out there than you think.

hehehehehe i really hope so.

i was trying to think of a good right wing fascist traditional role model for Rels. well you go to the man, Uncle Al himself, AH, 1488, and……while being a powerful thinker and leader and man, not sure he was the best role model for rels with women. i mean he never even had any children! although i think he had a good rel with eva braun. who was a traditional nonslut woman who loved and supported him and i am sure he luved her too hehehehe.

so WWAHD if eva braun gave him a shit test and stopped talking to him?

a degenerate r-selected rat might say, demonstrate higher value, be unflappable, and become unavailable to her, maybe even “spin plates.”

or do you confront the issue directly, say I DEMAND SATISFACTION, I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY, YOU CHANGE OR IM GONNA LEAVE YOU. then you look butthurd and man and thats not secsy to care that much and get so emotional!

plus Uncle Al was probably not one to play Childish Merchant Mind Games with White Women. He would probably go the direct route and say,

YOU TREAT ME WITH RESPECT, OR I’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL.

you are pushing my boundaries. stepping over the line.

so if you are not happy about that……i mean you let that UPSET you, because you CARE too much… thats BAD? and pushes the woman away? because you CARE about her? damn.

well to keep a woman from leaving you, you have to not care about them too much?

i guess. what would Uncle Al do. he would say, you treat me with respect, or i;ll find someone who will.

and then she can say oooo u mad and then dump him for not handling the shit test like a Cool Guy.

is that immature? arent all women immature until they have at least 3 kids? which most women never do?

i mean i am immature but i want to communicate when there are problems. maybe that is NAIVE? to think women will be willing and able to communicate, when you should know just  to PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE??!?!?!?!!

i was watching pbs and they had rolling stones live in 1971 at the marquee club in london. it was a very good performance, very electrifying, the stones were at a peak. sound quality was great but the video was very spastic, with fast cuts or just close ups on mick jaggers face. just show the damn band and move and zoom slowly. and dont do so many face close ups. the band is more than mick jagger. or is this pandering to women who dont care about the rest of the band. but theyd certainly fook one of the other guys if mick was occupied. hahahaha. see how much i hate women? its a poisonous attitude.

basically, you should not be looking for a good gurl backstage at a rolling stones concert hahahaaha or any rock concert. gurls hanging around trying to FOOK rock stars. ok a woman can GO to the rock concert but dont try to FOOK the rock stars. just enjoy the concert and GO HOME when its over.

also i cant PROVE that it was my lack of masculinity that drove all the gurls away. i am unmanly and i do always get dumped but i cant PROVE that it was THIS common factor that was the root cause. but its a very easy way to scapegoat myself. i mean i am trying to improve my manliness.

anyway the stones show was excellent BUT the band is HUGE degenerates. mick prancing around like a faggot, but he sounded great. all the guys on drugs and booze and banging sluts after their shows. this is no way to live. yet they were young and strong and virile and the drugs was working well at that time. they looked young. it was strange to think, holy shit, i am OLDER THAN THE ROLLING STONES were in this video. the guy said mick and keith were 27 in this video and i was like shit i am way older than that! also they looked better than i did at 27! and they drank more! so why did they look good? because they were happy to be rocking out and banging bitches? but it was weird how some of them looked like they were dead. very wooden. well i am talking particularly about the bass player bill wyman looked dead. but who gives a shit about the bass player? nonetheless i felt he should have been having more fun. unless he was morally conflicted about being with degenerates. but im sure he wasnt. he was doing drugs and banging sluts too. so have a little more fun. a similar issue was happening with the second player, who i learned was “mick taylor” of john mayalls blues band. brian jones came before and ronnie wood came after.

anyway they did degenerate shit. i learned there was a push by their ((((MANAGER)))) to give them more of a bad boy image around this time. its an interesting lesson in how women give it up easy for badbois hahahahahaha.

the music and the performance were outstanding but there is a LOT of degeneracy to Parse Out here, which most degenerate rock fans would not be willing or able to do. ive been there myself! but i dont want to give up the music itself entirely. its the kind of degenreate wild oats i wanted to sow when i was young and never managed to do that for myself. although 27 is too old for them to be doing that hahahaha.

theres a thought that mgtow is just the opposite of feminism in the sense that its a psyop by our masters to make men and women hate each other. good goyim, women are scary and bad, maybe you should go mgtow or go gay and never have a white family! yes good goyim!

where feminism does the same thing just to women. yes shiksa hate those oppressive men! be a slut and give yourself away and let us indoctrinate your bastard mixed children!

but i never understood how haivng a bunch of welfare parasites is in the interest of the powers that be. its not like you can get tax money out of them, if they are not working. do you tax their welfare benefits hehehehe

but i would think the ideal situation is have as many people working so you can get as much tax money as possible.

anyway i might go on a blackout of mgtow type stuff because its just not good for my mental health to be that hateful to women hahahahah.

but i also gotta avoid PUA/Game stuff becasue thats even worse. total degeneracy.

yes the pro-white alt-right is a good place for me right now.

there is some overlap with manosphere and mra and mgtow and maybe even game. and i cant say mgtow is BAD. i totally understand it, almost TOO well.

i just wanna be a white knight to women and mgtow doesnt let me do thatttttt!!!!!!!

hehehe alt right says that mgtow is a mirror of sjw leftists; mgtow sayz that alt right is a mirror of sjw leftists oh good lord.

so i shouldnt have let her become so important to me?

i couldnt help it i swear. and i told her stuff like you are very imporatnt to me and weve been friends for a while now and i really appreciate that and i hope we can be friends for a long time and maybe become even closer and hang out more.  i said shit like that in my infamous xmas 2014 message which i sorta wish i saved. that was probably the biggest signal to her.

hehehe. so you should take ritalin or adderrall before you start work so you are ready to hit the ground running and not seem like you aer stupid or drugged or slow.

but also take valium or xanax so youre not freaking out. then the second you get

off the clock, take some nyquil or a sleeping pill. but of course stay at your office at LEAST an extra hour reading and studying and self training and asking Senior TeamMates questions and Signaling and especially if there are Higher Ups there who can see you staying after your shift.

once they go home, then you can go home and also by now the nyquil should be kicking in.

then go home and take care of your aging family, and you have no wife or gf or kidz, and study more work shit and take MJ if youre lucky hahahaha. you got about 1-2 hours to do all this then you SHOULD get to bed so you get enough rest to be ON for the long day tomorrow.

but it can be hard to sleep when you are worried about the job and life. but you have to sleep to be ON because every day is like a Big Exam that you’re never quite ready for.

come on. things coulda been so good. hahahaha. it was nice just to get along with a woman over the long term. thats why i like the “being friends” thing cuz that never happened when i pseudodated bitches.  i like getting to know someone, and trust them, respect them, get comfortable with them, and it would be perfect to be able to upgrade that. but do all women put you in the friendzone hahahaha.

was this wasnt even really friendzone, it was more like, i am gonna be SO OFFENDED by you liking me that i am never gonna talk to you again and we are gonna end a long term friendship right now and thats it.

are all women like this?

no, most women are even worse hahahahahaha i got off lucky!

well she was one of the most positive things in my life. i remember the good times. there really were not NEARLY as many. cause we didnt hang out enough. i regret not hanging out with her enough ahhahaha. but kinda hard if she doesnt WANT to hang out hahahaha.

but yeah i had never even been friends with a woman for years. just totally rusty. i am not used to any drama with women or how to deal with women at all! well things only got WEIRD once i got feelings for her.

but now i know can get feelings for a woman after several years.

i guess for future reference, WARN the women so they get fair warning. yeah who knows i might get feelings for you 2 years in. so lets always talk about this in the open.

shit. it doesnt even matter if they are ugly and old and have 5 mud kids and been with 30 guys and have shitty tattoos and are < 6/10 hahaha. i might still fall in luv with them. PREPARE FOR THE WORST.

basically anything can happen. i didnt think i would ever get feelings for her and i sure did. and it totally makes sense. we were close, i liked her as a person, AND she was an attractive young woman, low number, nice, not obnoxiously, not a whore, nothing blatantly ugly like obese or ugly face or stumpy hahahaha, yeah whats weird is i didnt get feelings sooner.

but yeah i hate feeling incompetent at everything job related. cant talk to customers, dont know what i am doing. but i CAN talk to customers and i CAN fake my way until after a year i sorta DO know what i am doing!

just the thought of her was a big support for me. the fantasy i had. being in luv with her. i cant believe the feelings only lasted 10 months. well, technically they are still ongoing hahaha.

i cant believe how much i invested in her. when i didnt want to get that invested in ANYONE. i was invested in her without even realizing.

and you always question yourself. mauybe i didnt beg ENOUGH hahahaha.

no of course i begged enough. but as soon as the tension was rising by feb, which was already like 4 months in, should blurted.

just sad. stuff was once so good and it went so so so so bad. it has left behind a huge void in muh life. unfort i really do need wimmin hahahahaha.