JUST SAY THE WORD HUHWHYTE

mar 19

wazzzup world hahahahaha

sunday morning today as well, just drinking coffee and farting and reading new blog post and watching rare history channel program on WW2.

  1. actual historical content on the HISTORY channel is so rare. you are lucky to see one program a week.
  2. naturally its very by the book shit of hitler and germany being monsters who need to be wiped off the face of the earth by the valiant allies.

not denying the bravery and courage and toughness of the allied soldiers. just that we were jooed into the war. jooed by literal joos and cowards into fighting against our german brothers. never should have happened.

did hitler really want to violently conquer all of france? i have to wonder if this is just another one of those joo lies. the idea of lebensraum did not mean he wanted to conquer all of europe by force. or did he. am i being to nice to AH.

yeah well it probably would have been a good thing if he had. introduced race conscious NS to all of europe. i do bet he would have allowed European Ethnic IDentity to be encouraged, like yeah you’re still FRENCH and youre still DANISH and youre still POLISH and youre still ENGLISH. i guarantee he wouldnt have tried to make everybody “german.” prob would have been flexible in allowing each nation to develop whatever kind of fascism worked best for its people. he wasnt trying to make some kind of pan european euromutts. and violently subjugate other europeans.

i mean shit he was allies with italians and spaniards and croatians, you think he would have genocided POLES? he just wanted 10% of some polish land that was pretty inhabited by germans anyway. i think they could have worked something out. or were poles actually the assholes who started ww2. yeah wel if they were i still blame the joos who were lousy in poland just like they were in russia. where did these people COME FROM. khazaria of courshe hahahaha. which was closer to poland and russia than to germany for example.

was winston churchill an ALCOHOLIC???? AH sure wasnt hahahaha. also FDR was a marxist j00 who was so crippled that his even more communist jooish lesbian WIFE was essentially president for 8 years.

i will single handedly change the current course of history and stop our hwyte women from being stupid racemixing sluts!!!!! and make them GOOD again! i will rise to that challenge and CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!

this is the Talk Of A Champion that you are supposed to replace negative thoughts with, hehehehe.

take negative thoughts and say NO!!! NO!!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!! to them, and REPLACE them with POSITIVE thoughts of how you will WIN like a CHAMPION. HAIL VICTORY!!!!!!!

welp maybe i wont single handedly change the course of history, but i can certainly change one person. even if that one person is “only” myself. shit that would make all the difference in the world.

dont waste time trying to BE a womans father figure. THATS HER FATHERS JOB. and if her father didnt do HIS job, dont sacrifice yourself to clean up HIS mess. even if the gurl is not a huge whore hahaha. she will just find other ways to break your heart and be a huge disappointment.

better to not throw time and energy into a bad investment, and find a good investment, and find a woman you can have your own children with, and YOU can be a good father.

terrible few days for bitcoin, bad week for bitcoin, really a bad MONTH for btcoin hahaha. i mean its gone down 200 dollars just in the past 4 days or so. terrible.

ok. took huge dump, trimmed beard for weekly sunday #2 length beard. i guess #1 length would be The Don Johnson hahahahaha.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/no-fault-divorce-wife-leaves-husband-for-some-black-guy-media-praises-him-for-being-the-perfect-cuckold/92868

guy is a great father to his son but is a terrible cuck who lays down for his bitch ex who left him for a black guy.

if he’s such a great guy, YOU SHOULDNT HAVE LEFT HIM, MUDSHARK SWINE. she left him because he was WEAK and SOFT AND because she didnt have a father to slap some sense into her saying, whats WRONG with you? this guy is perfect and a great husband and father! DONT LEAVE HIM!!! EVER!!!! ya dumb broad!!!!

Sad!

although its not the paxil/prozac/AD’s that do it, i take AD’s and I fully woke and Luv My RACE.

theres this meme that AD’s make you a sociopath, AD’s make you a cuck, i want to rebut that. I still have sympathy for other people and though i am kinda a cuck, i would NEVER do what this guy is doing, i would SHAME my shameful x for being a shameful MUDSHARK. Mudsharks REALLY trigger the FOOK out of me. that woman hahahaha. i cant believe she was technically a MUDSHARK. that should be enough to turn me OFF of her, but it just made shit MORE painful, harder to deal with, longer to get over. this is what happens when girls dont have fathers. Sad!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/i-have-a-chance-to-influence-a-young-mudshark/92888

this guy describes a young mudshark from a decent family, good father, but is STILL an unrepentant mudshark. will be watching this thread for replies. maybe some will accuse him of being a joo planting a bullshit story thats too good to be true, NO decent hwyte gurl with a good father would EVER be a mudshark, ALL mudsharks are disgusting fat slobs. but i know this is not true. this is the real tragedy of mudsharkery, is watching a young girl BECOME a mudshark, to first cross over that line from good to ruined. Sad!

my theory is the father is a successful but swpl liberal middle class guy who is so nonracist that he doesnt care if his daughter fooks blacks, esp if they are not super thuggish. light skinned blacks who go to college and have no felonies.

i just cant understand whites who WOULDNT care about their DAUGHTER dating nonwhites. thats where the rubber meets the road. thats where people who don’t think they are racist discover that they are indeed a little bit racist.  and they dont mind it, beucase they’re not gonna cave on their daughter fooking nonwhites.

the SAD thing is, many hwytes WOULD cave on this, and would STILL be totally nonracist here. im so nonracists i REALLY DONT CARE about my daughter fooking nonwhites, and as proof, she’s already fooked 4 by age 22 and brought them home and they were all gud bois who dindu nuffin!

if the idea of your DAUGHTER fooking nonwhites doesnt make your SKIN CRAWL……i just dont know what to say to you.

i dont know about women. i WISH the idea of race mixing made THEIR skin crawl too…..but it just doesnt/ manage expectations. welp, turns out some MEN are just as cucked.  many MEN just dont care about race mixing either. sad! disgusting! unmanly!

again, i dont EXPECT women to know better. MEN, i DO.

so thats probably whats going on here, and shows you dont have to be white trash to be a mudshark slut.

really. honestly. i guess i’ll never understand these nonracists. you mean you JUST DONT CARE. have you NEVER got your heart broken by a woman and then that woman went on to fook blacks and browns and you didnt feel just a little bit angered by that? you REALLY dont care if your GF has been with nonwhites before you or after you? No they really dont. i guess i really cant reach these people. and i sure as fook can’t understand them.  WOW. JUST WOW. You really DONT care, do you. your gf has fooked blacks and you dont care. your daughter is fooking blacks and you dont care. WOW. you really dont care. well i guess you showed me! just how nonracist you are! feels good doesnt it!

i guess there are two types of peopel in the world, racist and nonracist, and never the twain shall meet. i am pretty happy being a racist. i mean i would rather be a racist than a nonracist!!!!!

and the dead giveaway is, do you CARE about your daughter, or your GF, fooking nonwhites. or yourself for that matter. do you really have NO PREFERENCE when it comes to the race of who you date.

some people SAY they have no preference but NEVER ACTUALLY date nonwhites. thats probably ok hahaha.

some people SAY they have no preference and MAINLY date whites….but occasionally date a nonwhite. not good. NOT EVEN ONCE. then what? did you learn something? did you develop a preference? i should hope so.

heh. i hope you never fall in LUV with someone who breaks your HEART AND does some mudsharking which ALSO breaks your heart too.

but the good thing is that it reduced my tolerance for race mixing degeneracy to absolutely zero.

i’m not even sure its inherently JOOISH, although it’s obvious why the joos exploit it. but it IS inherently degenerate in the most basic way. it’s just fooked up. entirely.

you dont have to be explicitly racist! just never fook a black! god damn! is that SO HARD??!?!?!?!??!!

you could even SAY you dont have any dating preferences! just don’t date a black! is that SO HARD?!?!?!?!?!?!

apparently, hahahahahahahaha.

i  have met maybe 2 black women that were attractive enough to bang, and i’m glad i didn’t hahahaha.

i’ve met many khazar jooesses who were attractive enough to bang. well, when i was young i did. but i didnt bang them. i probably would have if i had any idea how to talk to women. but i didnt. but i’m glad i only race mixed with jooesses only a TINY bit and not a LOT. better to be CELIBATE than to race mix.

https://heathenharvest.org/2016/01/02/outcast-by-choice-an-interview-with-mikko-aspa/

have not read this one yet hahahaha

http://archive.is/6Bmu7

not bad!

but he has to know nicole 12 is degenerate. his past “pornographic” work is degenerate. i think he’s stepped away from this, has done less of them as time goes on, and more of Positive stuff like Vapaudenristi, but i still want him to SAY IT, say that yes i am making a moral judgment here, molesting children is wrong and degenerate, there’s a gray area where girls start to become women and start to become attractive that is probably younger than the legal age of consent, but we should still not “sexualize” them, and in general all pornography is degenerate, and race is real, and nationalism is good. this is what i want him to say rather than mental masturbation about “anti-anthropocentrism” hahahaha. just keep going in the direction of Ethno nationalism, and in saying mean things about k1kes hahaha.

i mean there’s NO DEBATE to be had on nicole 12 buddy. it’s not about studying a conditioned reaction like a “drooling dog.” i dunno. i think he should have just wrote a book about it because i just dont understand what he was trying to say with it. that everything is conditioned? that you can be conditioned into thinking pre-pubescent children are SECSY???? it just seems kinda JOOISH to try to say there’s nuances where there are none. yeah i KNOW he’s coming from the whole power electronics aesthetic, which has the same issues of jooish degeneracy.

i dunno. i guess i just want him to be something he’s probably not, and im gonna be disappointed with him in a few years hahaha. or maybe not! i mean over the past 4 or 5 years, he’s been doing more of the good things and less of the bad things!

like he needs to go into more specific detail about this “dynamic nationalism” and how he does NOT want a return to the past. how dynamic are we talking here? does race matter or not? i know he appreciates honesty but he talks too much like a damn………jooish academic artist???? thats just mean of me to say hahahaha.

no i think he’s just smart and autistic and this is the way he talks, he doesnt MEAN to sound jooish. he’ll be allright if he keeps hanging out with racist skinheads talking real talk hahahaha. also if he met a decent woman and had some children. i dont think he MEANS to sound so confusing, he’s not doing that on PURPOSE like the joos do.

he’ll probably be all right. i just dont want him to slip back into degeneracy and then make some jooish excuse about it when i KNOW he’s smarter than that! i dont want him to pull some FEDORA shit.

at any rate, he’s not really alt right and prob wont ever be as much as i would like him to be.

but would he let his daughter race mix? would he say NONE OF MY BUSINESS if muh gf race mixed before? hehehe i really dont think he would. i hope he wouldnt.

also i like some of the anti-individualist stuff he says in the interview. that these individualists are even more Conformist than normie Sheeple. basically suggesting that Individualism is Atomizing. Well….inasmuch as you can “understand” ANYTHING this guys says. I think he’s on the level, but this is why I want to TALK to him and get straight answers to straight questions. Would you let your daughter race mix? does race mean anything to you? do you care if Finns are wiped off the face of the earth? what do you think about Da JQ? Tell me what you really think about Da J’s. It’s ok m8, I dont like them either. I hope you dont like them hahahaha. what the FOOK kind of “discussion” do you think could POSSIBLY be had about nicole 12? its ok to say you have matured since that and maybe wouldnt do that again and maybe weren’t making the best statement with. molesting 12 year old girls is ALWAYS wrong and only a JOO would try to equivocate on that and it’s ok to say that. only a joo would WANT to have a discussion about the nuances behind wanting to Abuse Children.

which is totally not the same as saying, hmm that 17 year old gurl looks fairly attractive, and I would sign up to marry her when she turns 18.

just set up an email list for news on vapaudenristi and make english trans of the lyrics available so we know what you are talking about.

but if you listen to the albums of an RAC band like No Remorse and DONT say, OMG, these deplorable reprehensible nazi racist bigots! and instead say, hay I LIKE this, then you are kinda making a statement right there, aren’t you. Like how I realized that you can’t be a VVN Sympathizer without actually being a full-blown VVN and just not realizing it yet.

anyway me talking about That Man is even less interesting than me talking about Women or That Woman hahahahaha. if you want to have straightforward conversations about 1433, then there are a couple places you can go. like daily stormer. who i fully support. as of march 2017 hahahahaha. if andre turns out to be a joo i will cry mantears of grief and then move on somehow hahahaha. i really dont think he is though. also dont think he would marry a jooess.

however i wonder if k1ke enoch has divorced his joowife yet hahahaha. i aint mad at him. the shit is complicated. its still not good to have a joowife tho. but he is entitled to having a personal life. but none of us should be race mixing. he’s smart enough to know this is a problem. also its naive to do big things and say “im not a leader”. you have become KIND of a leader whether you like it or not, when you do big leaderlike things……and openly ask for dnations. i dunno. i think he learned something from all this. if anything i am more butthurt about sven banning people wantonly from the forums for weak reasons. and i still really like the hihg svenergy vidyas.  and there are still plenty of people on DS that crap on TRS for being j00 luvers. i still like em both, but i just had to take a break from TRS for a few weeks. to allow myself to not be so emotional about it.

NO ONE IS SAYING ITS OKAY TO HAVE A JOOWIFE. some of us just arent willing to believe it makes TRS traitors and shills and spies and plants and feds and mossad and controlled opposition and JFK MKII ULTRA hahahaha. it was just a guy in joo york and joo jersey who married a half-jooess before he was j00 pilled. it can happen. its not the end of the world unless they have joo children. AND THEY DONT!!!!!!!

basically how hard is it for mikko to just talk about HWYTES. just say the word. hwytes. europeans. its ok. its not a bad word. you can do it. say it. luv it. be it. huhwhyte. its a beautiful thing, its ok to FOOKING LUV being huhwhyte.

shit ive been saying it 14330000000000000 times a day for years.  no need to never say it once in years!!!!!!!!!! now THATS a little weird!

good luck finding a woman who says she prefers to date hwytes. just be lucky to find one who’s never “dated” a nonwhite YET. keeping the race pure is YOUR job. either the woman feels some kind of racial preference deep down inside or she doesnt, which will make your job of protecting the race and finding a woman who hasnt dated a nonwhite yet a little bit easier, if she’s not actively inviting them in like the sluts at the castle anthrax with a purpa drank shaped beacon.

HAIL VICTORY! THIS TIME THE WORLD! 14 WORDS!

but yeah. i just think its weird that not more hwytes are as anti-race mixing as i am. they just DONT CARE. or, worse, they say it’s AOK! no problem! i wouldnt care if i had mixed race kids!

that just seems weird and disturbing and unnatural to me. why WOULDNT you care? i want to find a woman who, on some unconscious level at least, CARES about this! and hang out with other men who explicitly care about this! become part of a mannerbund!

GLR prohibited drunkenness at ANP meetings. I think hahahaha.

andrew zimmern is pretty jooey but i also think he’s a good guy and i wouldn’t be against not deporting him hahahaha. but what is he teaching his kids at home? is his wife a joo? ideally she would be a latinx or something. why should we sacrifice a hwyte woman to make zimmern less jooish.

what about natives. injuns. there are rural communities where many of the hwytes are 10% injun. man i dunno hahahahaha. i figure if you are 13% or less nonwhite, then welcome to club hwyte. the hwyte race.  thats basically one fully nonwhite great grandparent at max.

it would be ironic if some nonwhite young woman was really really really really nice to me, and fell in luv with me, and wanted to be LOYAL to me and have muh babies. i mean that’s nothing to sneeze at when a woman gives you that loyalty. but i want that from a HWYTE woman, not a nonwhyte woman. go give that to a man of your own race. so what if they are shitty. the women of MY race are shitty. but i’d rather have no woman than a good woman of another race.

because i might be tempted! I have NO doubt that there ARE good women of other races. and being in that situation would probably be TEMPTING. oh ive been so lonely for so long, how can  REJECT this WONDERFUL woman who LUVS me just because she is not hwyte? come on. best not to BE in that situation to begin with.

GLR’s “HWYTE POWER” might be the better book for the beginner to GLR to read. i am kinda getting bored with TTTW hehehehe 65% of the way through.

https://archive.org/details/WhitePower_189

READ IT. BELIEVE IT. LIVE IT.

from the first page, we can see that stuff in the US is HEAVILY jooed as far back as 1965.

ever since i was a young child, one of muh favorite movies was “the blues brothers”, which i have seen more times than i can remember. at first i was happy because it was one of the few R rated movies i was allowed to watch and had a few filthy f-bombs. overall it’s still a well written and constructed movie, stands the test of time, although does seem a little dated, but in a good way, shows the skills of john landis, who i’m not sure is J or hwyte, and of the players, not least of all the genuine comedy skills of albanian belushi and canadian ackroyd. also i believe john belushi was moreso a hwyte albanian than a turkish mud albanian. his brother jim looks basically hwyte while john was a bit more swarthy.

belushi was a drug doing degen like chris farley, but like farley, he was genuinely funny.

and yeah MY POINT and I DO have one, is I can look back now with new eyes and see the jooification of even this Quaint Old Movie. The blues brothers were antiracist from the beginning, hanging out with tons of blacks and IDOLIZING black musicians.

MY POINT is this was one of my first exposures to NEO NATZEEZ, with the Illinois Nazis in the movie with….John Daniels? John Glover? the Laugh In Guy, as their leader. Even from a young age I was impressed by the impressive speech he made: “white men, white men, the svastica is calling YOU. the Joo is using the Black as muscle against YOU. so what are you gonna do about it, whitey? just sit there and take it? no! you will join us, the national socialist hwyte people’s party.” which i recently learned was actually the original name of GLR’s ANP. and i am sure the character was based heavily on GLR hehehehe.

i didn’t understand why there was SUCH an angry crowd against the nazis. was what he was saying so bad? why did the blues brothers HATE the illinois nazis? then we see that the fuhrer’s second hand man has been secretly in gay luv with him. there is also a scene where we see him blatantly smoking a corncob pipe, which has got to be a reference to GLR.

also look at the country rednecks in the country bar and the way they and Country Bob and the Good Old Boys are portrayed as Uncool Rednecks.

It’s all still pretty funny and I can never CONDEMN the movie, and I will never not want to watch it while cuddling with a Nice Hwyte Hwaifu…..but I will be sure to HWYTESPLAIN the parts of the movie is not so nice to hwytes.

plus i generally like the black music too: blues, old time rock and roll, etc. the band is SOLID. and you can’t crap on a classic performer like ray charles. well other than to say he was probably a horrible person who was a heron addict and beat his wife and cheated on his wife and was prob a horrible father hahahaha. some good songs tho! and that makes it all ok!

so yeah, still a good movie, but it has a lot of questionable stuff in there that you dont notice when you are young.

no i dont think seeing it 60000000 times since a young age really HARMED me. it still give me good feels of nostalgia of being A Young Child. I just want the Notsees to be portrayed more sympathetically hahahahaha. more stuff about blacks and joos bad nooz hahahahaha.

mar 20

it is easy to survive the low stress workday thank god, but i hate not being a TOUGH as a WOMAN, to handle a stressful job 60 hours a week. im surpirsed MORE peopel dont abuse drugs and alcohol. well because they would probably LOSE THEIR JOBS if they did. you cant just half ass your job, because then you lose your job.

but i was so tired upon coming home i immediately laid down, watched law and order, and took a bit of a powernap. maybe it was because i took a benedryl last nite.

normal people cant take a powernap after their job. they have to drink gallons of coffee and 10 monster energy dranks to get thru their busy 10 hours a day, then come home and crash but you cant sleep because your mind is reeling from the busy day but you need to sleep but cant so you have to take some kind of drugs to slow you down. either sleeping pills or alcohol is a very popular choice hahaha. MJ would not hurt either haha.

and i went to bed at a decent hour and drank a lot of coffee while i was there!

i do a decent job and act pretty normie while i am there. but i hate that at the end of the day, i am still not as TOUGH as a 22 year old GURL. very emasculating. its GOOD to feel TOUGH. its BAD to feel WEAK and SOFT.

i was thinking of “erotic fiction” which is kinda pornographic but not AS degenerate because you arent using and destroying actual live gurls in order to produce it. other than maybe perverting the mind of the person writing (and of course reading) it.  but its not a machine that destroys heaps of young women. so yes i think it is less degen than actual porno. still not ok though. MIGHT be useful to wean off a porno addict. thats a big maybe though.

anyway i dont really care. im not tempted to look at porno. i AM tempted to do MJ all the time. just think about it all the time like a gurl thinking of her loverboi and the day he can get out of prison and they can finally be togther again.

damn have this god damn ice cream and ate too much of it. thankfully this is not a regular thing. it is caramel ice cream which i really like. ate too much of it. is this “emotional eating” because i was feeling weak and soft and pvssy and weak? eating too much ice cream certainly doesnt HELP those things! thankfully i dont often buy or eat ice cream. so its not like im gonna eat the whole container in 1 day then run out and buy another. fook no.

my good idea for the day was to get a thick black marker and draw a huge Hakenkreuz on your chest like the tat sported by weev or american history x. do this before you bang a broad. that way she can see the beliefs of the man who is drilling her, and it is bound to have an effect on them, subconsciously at the very least. looking down at the man pounding you and see the symbol of the ebil natzees. wow. maybe it would make the woman less likely to be a race traitor in the future. i cant see any downside to it. JUST DO IT. i would seriously luv to do this myself. chip away at her idea of herself as a nonracist. well if you were such a nonracist, then you wouldnt be loving getting fooked hard by a natzee with a svastica on his chest staring right at you!

well, i guess this could backfire and she could say, welp now i HAVE to run out and fook a negro ASAP to prove im not a natzee.

then she would have done that at some point ANYWAY, you’re just speeding up the inevitable and can NEXT her quicker and save more of your valuable time for a woman who is worth your time.

fooking DO this. draw a svastica on your chest with a black marker and bang the woman. make sure she is facing you hahahahahahaha.

tom brady goes to bed at 8:30 pm because he is serious about his sleep. not that i idolize a feetsball sportsball negroball j00ball player, but he seems like a healthy goy. so what time does he get up in the morning? dont know. probably about 5 am.  that is when i get up. alarm rings at 5 am, i sip coffee till 5:30 and watch the news, see how negros shot each other, get the weather and traffic. the time passes very quickly. at 530 i get out of bed, continue drinking coffee, take a shower, get ready.

yeah you should start with GLR’s hwyte power book. it is written in a very weaponized style, to shake you up, from the very first page, for the next…30 pages or so. it has not stopped shaking me on every page and i am on page 23 now. just comes out with all guns blazing. describes the problem explicitly: disgusting degeneracy. describes the SPIRITUAL SYPHILIS which afflicts hwyte youth and how religion wont work on them. he hasn’t talked so much about the JQ yet, but I am 1433000000000% sure he will soon.

it is easy to imagine him reading this in the form of a powerful passionate speech. you could go around reading passages to people like speeches.

https://archive.org/details/WhitePower_189

READ THIS LIFE CHANGING BOOK NOW, IT WILL TURN YOU INTO A WINNER.

i have never read something written in the 1960s that reads like it was written TODAY. RIGHT NOW.

HAIL GLR! HAIL VICTORY!!!!!

hehehe. that feel that if someone asks you who would you want to meet of anyone who lived in history and you can’t even tell them. you can’t say AH. you can’t say GLR. people don’t know who GLR is but you can’t explain who he was without making you look like a psycho for wanting to meet him. i guess you could LIE and say He was a Political Activist in the 1960s. He was anti-Communist like Joe McCarthy!

why the hell would you want to meet joe mccarthy?

lemme google this rockwell guy- american NATZEE PARTY??!?!?!?!?!?!?! he’s as bad as HITLER! he has a SVASTICA on his arm!!!!!!!!!

believe me. i took AP US history in high school and they never mentioned rockwell. i never heard of him until a few years ago.

yeah they mentioned mccarthy. but by that time i think i was getting tired of skool. i recall AP history involved a ton of reading and i barely remembered any of that stuff.

i was getting sick of school and homework and reading stuff that wasnt important to me; i was starting to get interested in MJ and alcohol; i didn’t realize the importance of history like this.

shit i took AP european history and obviously SHOULD have enjoyed it, reading an in depth history of hwyte people. I started out enjoying it but a few months into it, i was like this is too much reading. i dont remember any of this stuff. what does all this matter.  didnt understand how the history of the joos mattered, the turks and ottomans and muslims, common law and all that. shit i still dont hahahaha. it was a lot to bite off and hard for a 15 year old to put into perspective. maybe if you explained to me, these joos are the reason gurls today are such stupid sluts hahahaha. and then traced THAT back to communism. and kinda worked backwards from the present, stuff that mattered to me at the time. which admittedly most of it was stupid and degenerate.

nonetheless the average kid in my high school did JUST FINE in life, so i was/am just an OUTLIER. a BAD SEED. I would have been a WEIRD CASE ANYWHERE I went to school. but i feel that in the “right kind” of “radical” high school i might have done better. like homeschool, or artsy fartsy high school, or STEM high school, or Manufactuing Machining Shop High School. really, any one of them would have been a GAMBLE.

would I have been less Angry and Nihilistic if I had been successful with Gurls from a young age? yeah probably hahahaha tbh. but MOST boys ARENT successful with gurls when they are 16, and they have to watch all the gurls their being sluts with older scumbag guys.

i bet i would have liked reading GLR at age 16 just for the SHEER EDGINESS of reading a NAZI. i know I was interested in the evil natzis, hitler, the evil svastica, because i was interested in The Bad Guys. Anything Evil or bad. serial killers. varg vikernes killing guys and burning churches.

pretty ironic that varg turned out to be a really GOOD guy who I would be sticking with 20 years later, an similar thing with AH and the natzees – they weren’t REALLY the bad guys. so even though I’ve outgrown my edginess and interest in Bad Guys, I’m more interested in these Good Guys than ever before.

I probably would have found mein kampf to not be a fun read, but I bet I would have liked GLR. I have even worse ADD now and his writing is very to the point and not a problem for people with the attention span of a fly. like me.

a book like “hwyte power” could have HELPED me at age 16, but I didnt really read ANYTHING back then. i did all my reading for school, i did ENOUGH stupid READING.  i never developed a LOVE OF READING like ALL Smart and Successful people do. Sad!

READ THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW. BUY IT and read it over and over again. give it to all young men you know. buy cases of it and go to the nearest middle school and give it to all the white boys. maybe even the hwyte girls too.

mar 21

hwyte power. this shit is real. saw something on local tv news of an ALT RIGHT WHITE SUPREMACIST NEO NAZI flyer at a place, the police are trying to figure out who put these EVIL NAZI FLYERS up. the photo was very nonthreatening. it just talked about how white population percentage has gone way down and gave links to two very awesome websites and contained the words alt right.

but the way the media reports on it, they are clearly trying to frame it so that the FIRST THING ANYBODY THINKS OF when they hear the words alt right is “EVIL NATZEE.” alt right? whats that mean? oh. even racist natzis who want to oven jooz and lynch blacks and genocide nonwhites.

well are they wrong? hahahaha.

yes because we dont advocate violence or genocide. like GLR we are willing to pay BILLIONS of dollars to Send These People Back. wouldnt you pay TRILLIONS of dollars in taxes for a Nice Hwyte Country? Transport the people back to africa, asia, middle easy, and give them each fookin 100k USD to make a new life with. why the hell not.

i hope the police are not looking very hard for these ebil natzees. as GLR said, the local police are not our enemy. they probably sympathize with us. i should be trying to JOIN this local alt right group. but they would prob say nope youre too big of a loser to join us, we WILL take your money though.

YOURE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, BUT WE WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY hahahahaha.

the real problem is me wanting to give money to a group that wouldnt have me as a member. the real problem is me not being good enough to join the groups  want to be a member of!

i mean i have come to the acceptance that i am not high quality enough to represent The Movement, but I want to SUPPORT and HELP the movement, possib by giving money. yeah i guess it does suck to think, well, YOU are not good enough, but your damn MONEY is. thank me for my money and give me a roman salute at least hahahahaha. LET ME STUFF ENVELOPES AT LEAST hahahahahaha.

well we dont stuff envelopes any more. thats VVN 1.0. there will be no flat earth renegade radio flyers hahaha.

yeah small business cards leading to daily stormer or TRS, that’s fine.

i mean thats basically a hate crime goy. let’s try to find the hateful natzees who left these tiny cards with a website on them. literally.

maybe i will be ARRESTED if i wear muh DAILY STORMER t shirt in public hahahaha. what a THOUGHT CRIMINAL!!!!!!

NEW WEEV VIDYA

its a big deal when he posts a 10 minute video from his toilet hahaha.  did he really have to call out richard spencer as a trust fund baby in the description. i’ll allow it as long as it doesnt turn into a high investment thing, but i think spencer is tougher than weev thinks he is. weev is prob tougher than spencer is though. well, nothing probably about it. he almost certainly is.

weev also had a good recent interiew with cantwell

i know i watched it and linked it but should watch it and link it again

weev should do vidyas every DAY

and yes you should send him dnations I DO hahahahahahahahah

and yes he certainly does NEED them more than spencer

went to bed early yesterday but took like 90 minutes to fall asleep instead of usual 45 hehehe.

i guess weev has a GF nao. well good for him, im sure she’s hwyte. i just didnt think i would see him settle down with a woman bc he is an alpha male and has hsi choice of women. well maybe he has made his choice now! obviously he SHOULD choose a wife and start having children. shit a man of his stature needs SEVERAL wives producing children SIMULTANEOUS so that he can eventually have 100, 1000 children.

create a new human life ERRY DAY!!!!

i would prob be okay with dating a single mom where her kid was weev’s baby hahahahaha.

so hypothetically let’s say weev responded to one of my semi-bantzy comments with possibly some own bantz of his own, and then i bantzed him back saying, yeah im already donating to you hahahahahaha. well WEEV I am only giving you like 20 dollars a year, maybe  WEEV is saying he is too good for my money. or he’s calling me a joo for giving him an OFFENSIVELY SMALL donation. that would be hilarious if weev bitched about that just like fatherland jim did when i gave him a TEENY WEENY donation.

although i would prefer weev’s approval because I respect and admire him , hahahaha.

but yeah not much we can do if the people we want NOT to reject us, reject us. wouldnt be the first time, wont be the last time. it sucks though. but its not like weev can BAN me from watching his videos and listening to his stuff. he can make me feel like an idiot for donating to him, since NOBODY is Cucky enough to Donate to the hand that Bites Who Feeds It!!!!

so i would just donate more to the daily stormer until something happened where they complained about me donating, hahaha.

oh well.at least i am putting myself out there, making moves, learning things. well, at least doing things. saying, i least i tried with so and so, and then they rejected me, the end.

im still scared to go back and see how people responded to my daily stormer post. still scared to see how george responded to my questions in his q&a vidyas. i have new evidence that he is a 1433 bad goy and i couldnt be happier. this is a great way to be, but i wont blow his cover. ideally i would like him to Come Out, but that’s his right to do that when he wants.

i just dont want people i admire to scorn and reject me hahaha. i want to be part of their club. but im not cool enough. im not tough enough. im not hardcore enough. i dont give enough money. im not interesting enough. i dont work hard enough etc etc etc always SOMETHING. FOOK it. FOOK it. no good deed goes unpunished.

i dont care, everyone i like can reject me, its not gonna kill me. i can always find another pro white thing to donate to. hey i can always give money to stormfront hahahaha. or vnn. or counter currents hahahaha. dr greg is nice enough to write me a THANK YOU NOTE for a tiny donation! HA!

bbbbut these are all old men in version 1.0 who are lonely and bitter and dont have wives or children because they were born too early! they were born during the dark ages when you were Too Weird To Mate if you advocated for hwytes.

Well I too lost my YOUTH to the joos. now all i can do is secretly donate tiny amounts of money to people who dont want it hahahahaha. and sm0ke weeeeeeed secretly. never be tough enough for a 28k a year job, or hwyte wife or children. damn. so what the hell do i look forward to? the fact that my RACE, with miniscule and unwatned help from ME, is finally turning the tide. that the sleeping goy finally woke up.

i am jumping to conclusions, nobody has said stop donating to me, weev hasn’t rejected me, he was just having ONE playful BANTZ, this is what men do many times a day. i wouldnt last a DAY in australia!!!! and probably they do this in russia and ukraine too, where weev is now. call each other cyka blyat all day. its a TERM OF ENDEARMENT!

i always forget this. i cant handle the bantz with real MEN!

i guess i can, it just takes longer and i have less tolerance for it hahaha.

i guess the MMPI is the most scientific personality test. it has 560 questions and measures 50 diff things, none of them good.

ok. chill out. take it easy. just say NO to negative thoughts. NO. STAHPPPP.  I will conquer negative thoughts and turn them OFF. I will be aware and Mindfull of the current year. I am watching “double indemnity” on tcm and  i hear this is a good movie, i should pay attention to it. i am playing .02/.04 poker when i usu like to play .01/.02.  i am charging mp3 player and have a new episode of fatherland on it which just came out today.

double indemnity. insurance scam. were insurance companies as jooish scams in 1938 as they are now? the idea is that they minimize risk for people so that entrepreneurs can take risks, start businesses, create jobs, make money, GDP Growth. not sure it happens this way. not sure gdp growth is an always good thing. who cares if you create jobs if they are part time walmart type jobs? or the jobs are so stressful you cant even handle them and snap like private pyle going postal? how does that improve your quality of life? because you’re not homeless on the streets sucking dick for a place to sleep indoors, or clean clothes, or a meal.

billy wilder was a joo, i do know that much, and “some like it hot” was pretty degen and jooish. and the stars of double indemnity are bad immoral and jooish, trying to get away with murder. but supposedly a classic movie. it seems pretty watchable. better with a waifu to cuddle of course hahahaha.

 

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GOOD ALPHA BAD ALPHA

dec 11

ok i wanna establish a timeline of muh political racial alt right journey in case i meet up with any real life people, and i SHOULD, that should be muh new years resolution.

in 2008 i was a shitlib and voted for obongo. in 2012 i was much better and voted for mitt. i know in 2012 i was also listening to william luther pierce speeches and writing a blog that sort of positioned me as a WN “ally”, like hmmm this is scary, but also interesting, and maybe not as scary as I think. I think i was linking to stormfront and definitely stuff like counter currents and mindweapons. this was in 2012, 13 at the latest.

oh yeah. in late 2012, i got rejected by woman 2012, and i said, welp, i’m gonna go ALL IN on this racist stuff. i was holding back because i didnt want to seem Weird To Women, but now, i’ve not nothing to lose. I distinctly remember climbing the stairs 3 a time in muh old workplace saying “superior huhwhyte body, superior huhwhyte mind, crush the k1k3s, huhwhyte huhwharrior” as kind of a mantra in late 2012 to encourage me as i suffered thru the loss of woman2012.

so yeah i guess 2012 was when i became “alt right” hahahaha.

but i thought, lets look at my amazon history and the books i bought, thats a pretty good indicator.

2010 – started using amazon. yeah a bit late i know. late 2010. 2 books only: “atomised” by houellebecq, and “the evolution of desire” by david buss. (evo psych.) not a bad start!

2011 – myth of male power by warren farrell, women theory and practice by bernard chapin, more houellebecq – platform and whatever. (platform was prob muh fav, decent writer here.)  breaking bad thrid season. escape from gangsta island by chapin.  some crimmus presents including a book for woman2012 hahahaha. stuff for family. day bang by roosh v, because i wanted to use day game to seduce a nice Day Woman like woman 2012. sorcery and religion by varg vikernes. season 1 of big bang theory. i cant believe i ever liked that show.

2012 – going january to dec here on all these. life at the bottom by dalrymple, heard of him from chapin, i know MW was a big fan as well. another warren farrell book i never fully read. righteous indignation by breitbart. war against boys by christina hoff sommers. you can see i was still big on mra/mgtow stuff, which i will not apologize for, it was necessary for muh development, and these people arent WRONG. also sommers or farrell arent woman shunning mgtows!!!! flipside of feminism by venker and schlafly, got autographed edition and i think phyllis schlafly went on to pass away soon after. america alone by mark steyn. i was listening to rush limbaugh radio and really liked when mark steyn hosted. he still is a great guy, so charismatic. radical son by david (((horowitz))). another chapin recommendation. interested there because horowitz went from communist to rightist. but def not alt rightist, hehehe.

liberty and tyranny by mark (((levin))). listening to some levin radio as well. never read the book. the long march by roger kimball, another chapin rec. didn’t fully read it but i didnt donate it either. freedom twenty five by frost. a kind of self improvement book by a decent PUA/Game writer, who was smart enough to potentially move beyond Game and Hedonism. not sure if he did. decent book actually. 4 hour workweek by tim ferriss, hahahahahaha.

here we go: confessions of a reluctant hater by grindr greggy johnson. i think i bought it from matt parrott’s bookstore, RIP. october 2012. muh first legit WN “alt right” book. interesting, at that time i was gettign rejected by woman2012, hehehe. good book by greg, i dont really hate greg, im just bantzing. greg is GREAT.

suicide of a superpower by pat buchanan. great book. then a bunch of christmas gifts for people.

2013 AMAZON PURCHASES, jan to dec

CULTURE OF CRITIQUE by stefan molyneux hahahahaha in may 2013. yep that was a good move. i never finished it but want to hahaha. c# for dummies, some c# and asp.net and internet app security books.  racism schmacism by james edwards of the conservative cesspool. political cesspool sorry. christmas gifts. was gonna start my new shitty job and was getting a lot clsoer with That Woman this year. amazon slowed down.

2014

texas holdem for dummies hahaha. the unschooling handbook by griffith. how to talk to anyone by lowndes. one sheaf one vine by griffin. he wrote the pierce biography and there are chapters in the sheaf book on mindweapon and alex linder. this was in august 2014 when mindweapon was getting doxxed and slandered. fookin antiwhite pigs.

dumbing us down by john taylor gatto in sept 2014. i think i was starting to feel the need to Have Heirs, because I was thinking about how to best educate children.

dispossessed majority by wilmot robertson. an old school pro white classic.

thus spoke zarathustra by freddy n because why the hell didnt i have this book. still havent read it tho hahahaha.

death of the west by pat buchanan. great book.

bunch of christmas gifts including a very nice one for That Woman. damn.

the shy man syndrome by gilmartin. was concerned clearly about how things were not going so well with That Woman at the end of the year. remember i got feelies around october and wanted to talk to her….but she was avoiding hanging out with me. the last we really HUNG OUT was in sept 2014. this book is the incel bible by the world’s leading incel phd hehehehe. it paints such a bleak picture that i had to stop reading it. good book though. just dont read it until you have a huhwhyte huhwhyfu.

2015 AMAZON

king of the hill season 6. watching KOTH was one of my only pleasures in life at this time with the shitty job and That Woman refusing to hang out with me. (but she still responded to my texts nicely and said we would hang out soon.) a book to help me with muh shitty job. by march 2015 i was obsessed with studying in off work hours and became totally consumed and crazy. cleveland show season 2 dvd. another decent show. the bias against guns by john lott in may 2015. i was laid off and a shitlib swpl acquaintance got into a big tirade on how guns are evil and need to be controlled, severely limited, and i wasnt confident enough to argue against him, but i knew he was wrong hahaha. judas priest live vengeance 82. CLASSIC show.

sept 2015 getting past your breakup by susan elliott. hehehehehe. yep that happened.

customer service training 101 by evenson. i felt i was losing all my customer service skills and was trying to mentaly prepare for tuff situations. i lost ALL my confidence to deal with tough customer situations. felt so weak. still do actually.

2016

a guide to customer service skills for the service desk professional by donna knapp. a customer service book for tech support help desk people. pretty good book, should have got this when i started that job. funny i only read it after i QUIT.

a RAM chip to upgrade muh computer. good call. some clothes with a gift card.

the dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook by mckay et al. hmm just bought this. not a bad book.

man going his own way by bernard chapin in dec 2016. not alt right, probably MGTOWish judging by dat title, but I wanted to support uncle bern for xmas hehehe.

a book related to the field of muh new JOB. I wanted to buy some relevant books RIGHT AWAY. still waiting on that one too.

wow thats all folks.

TLDR: I bought my first officially alt right, pro white book in october 2012, but was sowing the seeds well before that. if game and mra and mgtow can be considered sowing the seeds.

well, in 2012, they kind of WERE! and when i say “game”, i mean deeper thinkers like heartiste and houellebecq. and in 2012, mgtow seemed like a damn good idea!

i was reading heartiste even when i was a shitlib, just because i was so obsessed with women and why they were so ridiculous, and why i couldn’t even pull skanky promiscuous sluts who would fook ANYBODY EXCEPT ME! so heartiste/roissy and chapin got me started on muh journey. and those dirty sluts who wouldnt bang me or even hang out with me.

come on, youre a KNOWN slut, youre SUPPOSED to be EASY!!!! hahahaha. arent you mad at the patriarchy that oppresses you? dont you even know about any of this, YOU IGNORANT SLUT?

and then, THANK GOD, i came to realize “the patriarchy” was bullshit.

hehehe anyway when you buy babbys first copy of CULTURE OF CRITIQUE, thats usually a good sign ahahahaha. as i recall, i had known about it LONG before i finally bought it, such that i felt I was buying it LATE, in may 2013.

so thats muh cred hahahaha.

 

might as well toss this one in here, while i am keeping On Top of New albums. i have known about wardruna for years, ever since like 2011 when i started investigating gorgoroth, and then gayhl, which brought me to wardruna, which is not super gay, and also features kvitravn who was a decent drummer for gorgoroth, and they are doing full nordic larpagan stuff here, but it doesnt sound ridiculously larpy, which makes me wonder if they feel some kind of connection deep in their nordic blood, which would be great. just speculating here.

anyway. pretty chill and beautiful neovolkisch stuff from people who have srs metal background. and they just came out with a new album, here it is.

yep shaving with the old fashioned single blade safety razor is great, a pleasure, a privilege, a nice smooth shave……..but it takes a damn long time. you cant do it quickly. which is its number one con by far. if you try to go fast you will prob butcher your face and you will still take a long time anyway.

in other words, it may take too long to shave this way BEFORE you go to your job. unless you get up super early. i’ve just been using the electric razor so i can get an OK shave and not cut my damn face and do it pretty fast.

wow big snowstorm here, prob gonna be a bad winter, cuz last winter was so GOOD and light on snow and cold. which means this winter is gonna be fookloads of snow and ridic low temperatures.

just waiting around to go back outside, clear moar snow, then go to bed hehehe and get up at 5 am and maybe clear more snow again hahahaha.

have i uploaded this picture yet? it is very educational:

f05q4jp

i found it on MPC, and somebody bantzed PMan saying he was the third guy under Beta Negative, hahaha.

but yeah my audience is clearly delta negative and below. i identify most with omega positive. for sure.

also it neglects to mention that beta males CAN get women. they are just always at risk of losing these women to alphas.

those thuggish negros who women leave you for and who end up cheating on or dumping the women you luved? these deadbeat thugs would be alpha negative. the badbois. all the women see is the alpha part. they cant tell good from bad, alpha positive from alpha negative hahaha.

great concept here hahahaha

QUOTE

”  neveragoodtime 30 points 1 year ago
For you white knights on the fence, this isn’t an issue of men who are intimidated by a strong woman’s past sexual exploits. That if she tells you those days are over and she doesn’t do those things anymore and he was a jerk anyway and she loves you for you and sex isn’t that important anyway, she must be telling you the truth now. You’re not being compared to what she had in her past, you’re being compared to what she couldn’t have. She never had the alpha, she just f00ked him, and therefore thinks she could have had him, but obviously she didn’t lock him down. It’s not that you can’t compete with her exes, you can’t meet her expectations, and she will always be less happy in your relationship. ”

giphy-1

http://archive.is/iBo8D

glad to see this page has been already archived twice hahahaha

https://therationalmale%5Bdot%5Dcom/2012/01/06/the-slut-paradox/

another good page, only not linkin directly because i just dont want to leave a pingback. but i do support rollo tomassi i suppose insofar as this article and his view on game, women, the red pill, etc

and then of course i think of that woman. she will prob be an alpha widow. well her major BF, i knew him, and i got along with him, i didnt have any big problems with him, i wanted him and her to work things out, but he just wasnt feeling it. was he a true alpha? he was pretty damn handsome. but he was autistic as fook, and prone to despair, drinking, and being an antisocial grumpy asshole apparently, with no friends, who just wanted to sit around and use the internet. describing him he sounds like a neet virgin. but he was handsome and he had kind of a hardass confidence i guess. wasn’t scared of gurls. but he was absolutely not a normie. kinda wish i had gotten the chance to get to know him better.

the short term bf was prob an alpha negative. so she’ll prob be hung up on HIM.

went outside and cleared snow THREE times today and it was STILL coming down. total snowfall of 7 to 12 inches hehehe. thats a lot for us before the new year. its prob gonna be a bad winter. gonna get up even earlier tomorrow (4.40 am) to blow some more snow. THANK GOD we have a snow blower. many people do not.

tried to do a new job task while i was at home today, basically logging into a system and making a report The Boss wants. but i can’t figure out how to make the report for all people, only one by one. it seem TOTALLY STUPID that the system would not give you a SQL-like way to make the query, and FORCE you to pick only ONE person/record at a time. there HAS to be a better way…..but i just don’t know it. i just wanted to show some initiative.

wore the new $20 walmart winter boots. they were great. kept feet dry and warm. even if they fall apart halfway through the winter they will be worth it.

but yeah i liked That Woman because she didnt seem like the Cynical, Nihilistic, Desouled, Corrupted, Ruined, Destroyed, completely Infantile Modern Woman that all the Game and “Red Pill” blogs talk about. She seemed like a Decent Woman. and she probably was and is. she just got scared and ran away when there was something she couldnt handle. SIMPLE. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE here. dont need a smart guy like ROISSY or rollo tomassi to explain it to me.

dec 12

normie wagies need to still put in a grueling day of slavery. the lucky ones can hope they get a slow day. the unlucky ones will actually be BUSIER due to the bad weather. or it will have no impact because they are just getting phone calls from all over the nation and or world, not just their immediate area.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/128618-alone-and-afraid/

this goy is having a tough time, gets dumped harshly by the love of his life, she blames him directly, refuses to talk further, now he is stuck in a Self Blame Spiral! I posted on there to try to reassure him. she’s dumping him for ying about his age. now this is her right, and it’s not great to lie about your age…..but i totally sympathized. especially since i totally understand why you would lie about your age. i have thought about lying about my age. oh yeah i only just turned 30, therefore it’s a lot less weird that i have no relship experience and barely any secsual experience, hahahahahaha.  that as a 30+ year old man i have signif less relship and secs experience than a 20 year old gurl!

but 20 year old gurls are huge sluts who have way TOO MUCH secs experience.

besides women are the supply men are the demand, so it’s not really weird that women have Relship Experience starting right at…..age 18 onward. that they aren’t Single much, in other words. just DONT rack up a high number while you are busy not being single. keep it with a low number of guys. LTR’s.

maybe that woman’s first major bf wasn’t an alpha positive, but he was an alpha negative because he was grumpy and unhappy and stubborn and used to have a drinking problem and was content with mediocrity in his job until she encouraged him to get a higher paying (but still really shitty and stressful!) job. she stayed with him, started dating him, even when he was making like minimum wage. so she saw something in his cocky badboy personality, and also he was handsome.

and he wasnt SO alpha that he got bored with her and dumped her and cheated on her. well it sounded like he got bored with her, but he didnt cheat or dump. he just stayed with her and drank and got grumpy and distant. a true alpha would have just dumped her or cheated.

so does this make him more moral than an alpha? but an alpha can be moral too, if he dumps and doesn’t cheat. theres nothing immoral about DUMPING.

so i think he was somewhat lazy, or had a tendency to get stuck in ruts. i know that feel! except my ruts never involved being in a traditional monog rel with a nice, sweet, pretty, young woman! even when he was in a rut, he was alpha enough to pull that off.  also he was Her First, so that i think was very relevant to her staying with him and not giving up on him, when he had clearly given up on her.

so who’s she gonna be the Alpha Widow for, is my question. this guy or the short term guy who came after, who blatantly Did Her Wrong? probably that guy, because he was more alpha, AND he did her wrong. it’s hard to get over that. makes you want to be mean and break some poor omegas heart as the revenge you aren’t allowed to get on the bad alpha hahahaha.

in fact the first BF kinda seemed like a Beta Negative, but I guess he was handsome and confident enough, albeit unpleasant, and she was young and “inexperienced” and innocent and loving enough, to not give up on him, and to give him MORE than a good faith effort, that i wish she had given 10% of to ME. and not in a relship way, but just in a just friends, try to do the right thing, good karma sort of way.

had to make a post on that one. yeah him lying about his age is legit a dealbreaker, but i think he had good intent and didnt deserve that punishment.

QUOTE here’s my effortpost to him:  ”  Darn man, that is just horrible. IMHO it is very insensitive of her to essentially say “It’s all your fault, you caused this,” then shut down, then throw you away like a piece of garbage. I think the much kinder, gentler, mature thing, is to say some variation of “it’s not you, it’s me,” when you are ending a relationship that the other person doesn’t want to end, and you know that person is going to be hurt. Try to be as gentle as you can on them with something you know is going to hurt them, not say “this is all your fault” AND then shut down and refuse to discuss it further. That sounds really rotten to me, and IMHO a person who would do that to you is not someone you would want in your life. How would you treat someone if you wanted to dump them and you knew they still wanted to be with you?

How hard is it for the dumper to make some kind of good faith effort to be kind (yet firm) in dumping? Does she know this is adding insult to injury? I had a similar situation and I just blamed myself for many months, thought that I had done something horribly wrong, that I was a horrible person, maybe I was a horrible abuser to make somebody get rid of me like this.

Yeah it’s not great to lie about your age, and yes people do have the right to make a one-sided decision to end a relationship whenever they want, but I think that with that right comes the responsibility to be decent to the person you are dumping. Maybe she is trying to “punish” you for lying to her? Possibly she doesn’t even know why she’s doing what she’s doing, and is too immature to see how much it’s hurting you.

You are right, it’s impossible to find other things which can perfectly substitute for the unique joys of a close relationship. But the pitcher example given above is pretty good. It’s important to distract yourself with hobbies, work, exercise, and not replay this over in your mind too much, or blame yourself. But it’s also important to grieve what is indeed a very big loss for you.

I would also recommend going No Contact. Or maybe directly telling her she could have been a little more tactful and considerate when dumping you, would she like it if somebody dumped her like that? (Maybe she was dumped like that in the past, and this is her “paying it back”?)

Yeah lying can destroy trust, and I’m sure you’ve already learned your lesson about not lying about your age in the future. Were there other lies? It’s her right to not want to forgive your lie, but still I don’t think it warrants the “punishment” you’re getting.

Would she be willing to go to a relationship counselor with you? I hate to say it, but it doesn’t sound like she’s WILLING to do much of anything to meet you halfway here. Minimal/No Contact might be for the best here. Sorry she couldn’t be more of an adult with you.

How long were you together? I think you said 5 months? Is that the entire length of time you knew her? I don’t mean to minimize your pain, but it’s hard to fully know a person in 5 months. Maybe she was starting to show her “true colors”, that is, someone who’s not willing to make the effort to be committed to you and handle conflict maturely.

There’s no way to make this easier, just try not to blame yourself too much and get through 1 hour at a time! Feel free to post any updates.  ”

END QUOTE

went for 1 mile powerwalk in neighborhood afternoon after YUGE winter storm, 10 inches of snow. workplace was closed down. wanted to see what the neighborhood looked like in the light. really not bad. city did a good job of plowing roads. most people cleared their driveways and even sidewalks. but muh new shiny winter boots enabled me to trudge through snow and keep feet warm and dry. and even through wet cold SLUSH as well.

so that is really good. since i never had good winter boots before, that was always my somewhat valid excuse for not doing powerwalks in the winter. so now i can get a bracing 20 minute powerwalk in. sometimes it will be too cold to do longer. that is ok. but 20 minutes should be doable even in 10 degree weather. and it is a balmy 30 degrees right now. and these arent even GOOD winter boots, but the cheapest boots i could find at WALMART.

ate a TINY  chocolate coated donut, it was like 80 calories. this was not a large or even a medium or probably even a small donut, but a very small, mini, bite size MINI donut.

its not eating fried meat that makes the sp1c n1gz too fat to walk, its Sweet Treats like donuts and chips and stuff. cakes, donuts, cinnabons. these are the absolute worst things.

not sure how great yandex is, but i just made an email there because andrew anglin mentioned the name, and i wanted something slightly permanent to go along with my second disqus account which pretty much gives away my location when i upvote Real Talk comments in the local paper hehehehe that i did not want linked with my larger Alt Right personality, like ooh look, this guy who upvotes trs also upvotes racist comments in the podunk times. that must be where he lives.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yandex

info on the yandex co

selling muh info to the skype cabal who controls russia hahahaha

Arkady Volozh the founder and ceo is a JOO welp i shouldnt be so suprirsed.

i like that they have a background of the huge “the motherland calls” statue in volgograd. but this is where the dirty reds beat back the glorious NSDAP hehehehe. the russians are the bad guys hehehe. well theres good russians and bad russians. good russian bad russian hehehehe. you can guess that that bad russians arent really “RUSSIANS” at all. ((((RUSSIANS)))) hehehehe. PURGE THE BERGS & STEINS!!!!!

man. all the new people coming into TRS are way better goys than me. masters degrees in petroleum engineering, 20 year old young men with 3.9 GPA in mechanical engineering or math. military service. social skills from selling shit. manly non bitch hands from working in machine shops. knows how to fix shit. with people like this coming in, i should get banned just for being a loser hahaha. giving money to TRS is not enough. especially when i dont give a LOT hahahaha.

yeah well if they ban me i will stop giving hahaha. i dont think they would really BAN me for being a loser. i mean i am slowly moving away from that loserness. probably not fast enough for their liking……but they dont need to know those details.

it just sucks to find a group of people you like and respect, then worry about them rejecting you because youre not good enough for them. and when you compare yourself with them, well shit yeah, they have accomplished a lot more than you and they ARE a lot cooler than you!

yeah well they havent rejected me yet hehehe. no need WORRYING about it.

dec 13

went in to job. was very slow and easy. saw a half black half white woman about 25 years old who made me consider race treason. she had a masters degree and was a Young Professional. She appeared Significantly Younger than me. she clearly had her life and career in order! she was pretty darn attractive. good in shape body. BMI 20 or so hahaha. light mocha skin. green or gray eyes, NOT dark brown black eyes hahahaha. i think she was a Halfroon rather than a Light Skinned Black. I felt bad she didnt have a real race to call her own. I wondered about her racial identity. But she clearly had a masters degree and a decent career. all by the age of 25 and was very attractive. would TOTALLY bang. would NOT have chirren with.

got paperback physical book of “man going his own way” by UNCLE BERN. it is a large book but thin, like a coloring book hahaha. very nice cover art. he uses a lot of foul language he does not use on his videos. i do not mind at all hahahaha. i honestly think he just never found the right woman. maybe a combination of standards too high and just have bad luck. maybe he was too Laissez Faire when he should have been Dominant. but he IS dominant in his own way! i guess not in the way that women like though. unlucky! i know his first (and only) wife was BATSHIT crazy. i think he talks about these juicy details in the book. stories of his youth, college, etc, that he doesnt really share in his videos. LISTEN TO THE EAGLE! BUY THE BOOK!

i would like for him to get racially woke and or red pilled on the JQ and become more fascist and 14 words, obviously, but i dont think he ever will. unless maybe he were to join TRS and really listen to the goys there….. i guess it depends on how serious he is about having children. at 46, 47 years old, he may have RESIGNED himself to no children.

anyway i will never stop muh $1 a month dnation to uncle bern because he was big in getting me to where I am today. I might even increase that hehehe.

came home at 2:45 pm or so and immediately took benedryl to prepare self for an early bedtime at liek 8 or 9. i guess ideally i should do that on sunday afternoon. the trick is not to take it too late so you are not groggy the next day at 5 am hahahha.

 

 

POLITICAL BELIEFS CAN BE CHANGED. YOU KNOW WHAT CANT BE CHANGED?

july 31

had dream with HER, first one in a while, i guess it goes in phases. for a while i was having a dream with HER every few days. then it stopped. now its back again haha.

in this one i was in muh old childhood home and she was sleeping upstairs in muh bedroom. muh famly didnt know she was up there. i was trying to get her out of the house unnoticed. ok this was my fault, i take responsibility for that. i was wrong hahaha.

although i think there was the implication that we were “back together” after the previous drama. which is usually bad news.  she’ll just end up dumping you again for the same stupid reasons, namely, youre not manly enough and can’t Lead her strongly enogh. you cant tame her hahahaha.

an interesting part was when she got up and started showing me all this school related stuff on the computer. she was SO EXCITED about going back to school and doing a business degree, and not at ALL excited about being with me. being left for a DEGREE. people are more excited about SCHOOL or CAREER than they are about YOU.

she was showing me this business article and was like ISNT THAT INTERESTING???!?!?!?! It was full of stupid jargon and I was like this doesnt make any sense, and I was mad, was she trying to show how she was SMARTER than me, because this complicated stuff made sense to her, so it made sense for her to leave me to go to school. when i was just frustrated and i could probably make snse of the article if she werent shoving it in my face and also LEAVING ME.

and she’s like why dont you go back to school, and i was like I already have a degree, AND I went back to school after that. I have like 1.5 degrees and it hasnt helped my career any. yeah yeah because i am a miserable low confidence lazy neet with personal issues. so of COURSE you shoudl leave me. i dont deserve to be with you, right? its my fault. so go back to school and get a better career with your business degree. its all so much more interesting and exciting and fun than being with a horrible loser like me.

yes i know being passive aggressive like that is bad! but it shows some of my very real insecurities.

Being left to work on school and career, when i HATE school and career and find personal relships much more important.

its like SHIT. I would WANT a good rel to help emotionally strengthen me while I went through the emotional Struggle of working on school and career. i would not want to face that without a good GF to cuddle with after the long days of failure hahahaha. recharge the confidence that is worn down every day.

but yet it happens all the time that people leave a rel to focus on school and career, esp with young 20s people. i dont have TIME for a REL right now.

really what they mean is they dont want to be with YOU any more. i wish they’d just say THAT.

this never really happened to me, although the women I was interested it did go on to be Powerhouses in School and Career. I was just never that involved with them that they had to LEAVE me FOR career.

now That Woman was not really like that. I could never see her doing a Business Degree. I liked that she was not obsessed with skool, and saw skool as a “necessary evil” rather than something great and awesome to be worshipped. she was not chomping at the bit to go back to school and neither was I.  most gurls (that arent mudshark pill popping white trash) are like i wanna get my masters in health care administration and work for humana health care as a senior area developer leader coordinator, adding value for the workgroup and changing patients lives while also making this the most successful health care organization in the country.

anyway, i HAVE been “left” for previous ex boifrans. a really obnoxious skinny jeaned annoying phaggot hipster who went on to a career in environmental activism, democratic party activism, and probably law skool.  a wimpy boring skinny guy who seemed too weak and boring and beeta to pull a woman, but he must have been really charming in private, who left a sweet university job to do a phd in antiwhite marxism. and lets not forget The Black Guys. never fun when they’d rather date black guys than you.

black guys and fooking antiwhite commies. are all more datable than me apparently hahahahaha.

the common denominator was that all these guys were more confident, charismatic and better with women than me. well, i dont know abotu that one wimpy guy hahahaha. but hey she STILL picked him over me!

anyway the dream was not fun. she had a big role in it and i saw a lot of her. too much of her. no not her naked body jeeeeez.  but just spending time with her. in a damn dream. maybe i could convince her not to leave me. but probably not. especially not by being weak and whiny and complaining that skool sucks! no, skool doesn’t suck, YOU just suck! thats why you can have 1.5 degrees and STILL do nothing with your life! you gotta get EXCITED about it! you gotta BELIEVE! you cant just go through the MOTIONS! you get out what you put it! you gotta really WANT it! you cant just show up and do your work and get A’s. you gotta really ATTACK it! gung ho!

the employers will know if your HEARTS not really in it!!

oh no baby, please dont leave me, i will be happy about you going back to skool, shit i will go back to skool myself, see i’ll take this online class in management, see, i’m going back to skool too omg its so interesting and awesome and also good for my career too! isnt it neat seeing what makes companies grow? i swear im smart enough to understand this intelligent business school stuff! and i find it genuinely, honestly, sincerely interesting and important, i swear!   just please dont leave me!!!!!

wow hahahaha.  the desperation is insane. off the charts.

so yeah that dream sucked. brought all this stuff right up to the surface. and its already there hahaha.

but it had that interesting element i had to mention: when the gurl is more interested in school and career than she is in YOU. and leaves you for a career. and looks down on you and leaves you because you ARENT more interested in skool and career. even though technically youre 3 times more educated than her hahahaha. she conveniently forgets about that.

not that i put much stock in the value of education. i just want to be credited for the stupid amount of education i do have.  i just like pointing out that i have 6 full time years of College and it hasnt gotten me anywhere hahaha.

but THEORETICALLY that keeps me busy from ages 18 to 24. and then I have a few years of work in there. so in Real World Terms, I am like 27 or 28 years old, which is really not too bad, not TOO far behind my actual age! And here I thought I had the maturity level of a 16 year old, hahahaha, when I’m really about as mature as a 27 year old hahahaha.

or, i’ve only really wasted 5 or 6 years, not 13 or 14 years.  that is helpful to remember. i just got 8 years of my life back! thats enough to get a phd of electrical engineering hahaha.

so i was thinking, joos like abortion and casual secs so much, what happens when their little jooish slut daughters get preggers at age 18? you’d think they’d just get an abortion because that’s the smart thing to do, but……..don’t joos value jooish life? at LEAST in terms of a jooish BABY is worth a lot of SHEKELS? like arent there jooish ADOPTION agencies that try to get jooish babies to jooish people who can’t have children of their own? or, generally, wouldnt a jooish baby be worth even more money than a white baby?  so why abort it when you can sell it? its a jooish moral / economic dilemma. like free ham hahahahahahahaha.

WELL, its probably a lot easier to abort if the joo gurl had a half goy baby.

BUT joo gurls also slut it up with joo boys at joo camp and JCC, so, theres a good chance of them having a fully jooish baby too.

that thought crossed my mind the other day. like, arent educated intelligent profession joos a bit CONFLICTED about aborting their own babies? cuz they are pretty racist and want the jooish population to grow.

yeah but its orthodox joos who are having all the babies. the educated professional ashkenazim are practically swpls in their antinatalism.

soooo…..what if i get offered this 10 dollar an hour part time job? i am thinking I should just take it hahaha.  but why do i think i even have a chance? because this is the SECOND time i am interviewing with this group. i mean for a second job. the first time i interviewed i said yeah you’ll see my name again for this other job. and they rejected me for the first job, and are now bringing me in for the second job.

well shit it would be AWKWARD to be rejected for TWO jobs at the SAME place, after interviewing with the SAME people, probably the same questions.

well, at this point, NOTHING would surprise me. the master of rejection here. I’ve been rejected every way you can THINK of, and I’m sure I’ll be rejected plenty more in ways I haven’t even thought of yet.

but yeah. plenty of people break up then “get back together”, they are still regularly hanging out, but “they aren’t back together, they arent dating.” well what ARE they doing? are they FOOKING? probably. are they FOOKING while the guy wishes he had the gurl BACK and the gurl is one foot out the door dating and fooking OTHER guys at the same time? just waiting for the guy to get jealous so she has an excuse to dump him again? probably.

and i thought i was bad at relationships! at least I dont go around Actively Jooing people like WOMEN do! they DO tons of stuff that is shady and jooish af! i would rather be honest and say baby this isnt working out, lets not kid ourselves, lets not joo each other. we’re done and there should be NO CONTACT. go fook your ingras and your social justice lawyers and your business school articles and your Management Career. they can fook you better than i can apparently.

dont put EARRINGS on BABIES. jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezum crow. this is SO trashy. it just seems SO unnatural and its pretty frustrating how normie idiots can’t see that its so unnatural.

not even getting interviewed for jobs that pay 15k a year. or getting interviewed and NOT getting the job. that pays 15k a year. experience the shame of THAT failure hahahaha.

that woman was always rather anti-police, but would she have gone ALL IN with that as so many people have recently? obviously its turned into a BIG political issue. might she have said, this is too much, i dont want to be lumped in with these black lives matters fanatics, and these black THUGS, i am gonna take my own side here, and if i’m gonna be pro-white, I pretty much should be pro-police too?

or will she take the side of the black thugs?

i’ll never know, hahahahahaha.

this COULD have been a point of disagreement between us….but i also dont think it would have been a big deal, because a Good Man can Guide and Mold and Direct his woman, and I could have made her understand that supporting black thugs was a bad idea.

she is anti-police for completely different reasons than loving black thugs anyway.

so yeah im not worried about differences in political opinions, because those can be CHANGED.

YOU KNOW WHAT CANT BE CHANGED?

Actions you did in the past: cheating, lying, cox you fooked and sucked, abortions, babies you murdered, degenerate, disgusting, evil shit you DID.

i dont give a SHIT about Media Constructions of Female Beauty, or airbrushed models or shit. you know what I DO give a shit about?

Average Normie QT 20 year old gurls in BATHING SUITS at the beach or pool or whatever. that you can find in bumfook kansas. these gurls are not EXTRAORDINARY. they are just not OLD or FAT. they are Normal, Young, QT girls, and when you put them in bathing suits and you see their bodies, you are about to explode in your pants. nothing fake or airbrushed or constructed about it WHATSOEVER.

i dont want anorexic models or movie stars! i wanted HER in all her 7/10 glory in a bathing suit with her pasty white skin and wide hips and fat thighs and fat cottage cheese ass and weak chin and zits and big nose! but at 24/25, she was SO YOUNG! and she had NO KIDS! and she was WHITE! and a 7! and had been with less than 5 guys! and was NICE to me for 2 years!

so yeah i hate that particular media lie that men have unrealistic expectations of female beauty because of patriarchy. No, we have PERFECTLY reasonable expectations of female beauty. just give us a 7/10 who isnt fat or old. PERIOD.

but i concluded recently that 7/10 WAS NOT reasonable for a guy with my low value, i should be expecting 6s or 5s.

hmmm.

but 50% of marriages end in divorce and WOMEN initiate 66% of all endings of relationships. sure maybe sometimes they dump the man for good reason. but I’d argue that 50% of the time, they dump him for a stupid reason.

just as women are the CHOOSERS, they are also the REJECTORS, and they are TERRIBLE at both choosing AND rejecting!

oh so youre a single mom? didn’t pick the greatest guy to make a new human life with eh? and now your baby’s life is an eternal reminder that you dont know how to pick a man.

well thats what SHE was though. so maybe it makes sense that SHE doesnt know how to pick a man either. but she picked a man she was with for 4 years!!!!! but thats all over. but what if she gets back together with him? would that make me happy? well, better than her being a slut and or getting with black guys.

why didnt the old bf just marry her? he was a little weird, but he was with her for 4 years. maybe he cheated on her. i dont think he did tho. he was just stubborn and grumpy and autistic and very much in a rut. and she STILL didnt leave him! HE left HER!!!!! how i wuold have liked to have that level of dedication and faithfulness and loyalty and willingness and effort from her!!!!!

so he left her and moved forward with his life. kinda like she left ME and moved way forward with HER life. and I moved BACKWARD. i didnt even stay at the same spot, i moved BACKWARDS!!!!!!!!

somebody holding you back….vs not having someone is whats holding you back, but you gotta learn how to move forward without them. so you plow forward without enthusiasm, without passion, and then learn thats just not good enough, employers want you to have passion or at least fake passion convincingly, and its very hard for me to fake that convincingly, but i try. but my trying isnt good enough.

anyway i will bang other sluts but i will still want her. i wont commit to them and luv them the way i would commit to her and luv her.

it feels like i will NEVER get over her. maybe its time to start seeing a shrink and taking meds hahahaha. OH WAIT.

i dunno. i guess i stopped working hard cuz i was TIRED of the hard work never paying off. might as well give up and not work if youre gonna get the same result anyway.

these women. its all about secs and fooking with these women. they have no idea what hearts or feelings or luv or romance or intimacy or connection is. the only that matters to them is a coq pounding a cvnt and then exploding all over their face for the camera omg lol. men are such sensitive romantics and women are such pornographic, jooish degenerates. how is it that men and women were designed to be together? homosexuality makes more sense!

shit i can see why people cast these voodoo spells and shit. and BEG For GOD to MAKE this person COME BACK. dear GOD change this persons mind and MAKE THEM luv me, because i dont want anybody but them.

how do you know when youre ready to meet new people? for example, right NOW i probably SHOULD meet new people, but I dont WANT to , i dont FEEL im over her, I still WANT her. but its POSSIBLE meeting new people would make me FORGET about her and ACTUALLY move on. becuase its been TOO DAMN LONG and I am CLEARLY HUNG UP on her.

so how about i just TRY banging other women and if i dont like em as much as i liked her, then i dont have to commit to them, and can make them get abortionz hahahahaha. like you care about human life anyway. just get another damn abortion.

i wonder how many abortionz she got in the past year. i wonder how many guys she fooked in the past year. 1? 2? 3? 4? 5? 6? 7?

i shouldnt even care but i do.

half of it is the job/career situation, ie, her moving UP, and me moving DOWN. that rustles me to NO end.

and That IS all my fault. for being too weak to handle the tough situation. the heat got too high, and i had to get out of the kitchen hehehe. she survived and became stronger for it.

but she wasnt facing nearly the same “heat” I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how do you TRAIN on internal company things where you cant just google it?

well, just take your best guess and then ask the manager the right way to do it when they write you up for it, and hope you dont get fired for it.

11th interview on tues, 12th interview on thurs. nice. i am sure i will be nervous and rambling and not get the jobs hahaha but at least i will look good.

but yeah its stupid that you can never know or trust or be close to a woman, even if you are fooking them, even if you have known them for years. they are always god damn STRANGERS. no matter how well you think you know them.

how well did i really know her? how close of friends were we REALLY? i just dont know any more. so even the good parts seem fake. even if they werent.

i mean i WANT To be over her. aaaaannnnndddd its been a YEAR of no contact. im not over her but i really WISH i was over her. therefore, time to start hanging out wiht other sluts from okcupid hahahaha. and bang them. just go to the lake on summer day, look at them in a bathing suit, smoke MJ, well, have them smoke MJ and you can pop valiums, contemplate whtether their body is bangable, and then bang them when you leave, and then if you never want to see them again, you dont have to. besides do you want a woman who gives it up on the first date to be the mother of your children? do you want to show them to your family and say this SLUT is my WIFE?

my WIFE is a SLUT but this is the BEST i could get who didn’t leave me right away?

i want a nonslut but I dont DESERVE that! I’m not good enough to get what I want!

also when i do these interviews, its not like i freeze up. i start rambling and muh voice gets shaky and i am clearly nervous, but i survive them, i get through them, i dont run out the room screaming or anything.

if i had a gf who was pressuring me to go back to skool or she’d leave me, i would be thankful that she would be willing to let me do something to prevent her from leaving hahahahahahaha rather than jsut walk out and say THATS IT, IM DONE. then i would take 1 class at a time in fooking CNC machining or mechatronic or something and be like ya happy now baby? im ambitiously working on my career. i have career goals nao.  now how about your suk muh dik every time i do 20 minutes of skoolwork. and swear on your father that you will never leave me hahahahahaha. ok if you want to leave me, then hire a SHRINK to do it NICELY. and pay me 10k and give me a pound of indica MJ. and give me 100 more tapering off bangs, and send your slutty friends over to bangme. let me bang your mom and sisters too. THEN you can leave me hahahahaha.

hey it SUCKS to be LEFT. bitches act like they never been LEFT before. if they had, they would KNOW it sucks.

go back to skool or i will LEAVE you.

i will go back to skool if you promise to NOT LEAVE me

hahahahahaha

two sides of the same coin hahaha.

like i say, its better than just waking up one day and BOOM theyre ALREADY GONE, and THATS IT.

well, they’re not leaving you because they were NEVER WITH YOU.

just set a meeting with a shrink and have the shrink dump me. or hire a Process Server to Serve me with Papers. just make sure to take a FEW MINUTES to write down exactly everything you’re trying to communicate. say you want out, its over, and nothing will make you change your mind.

fine, im not gonna MAKE YOU STAY, im not an ABUSER. just say SORRY for breaking my HEART. you didnt like it when YOUR heart was broken. neither does anyone else, STUPID. hahahahaha.

if you have a picture of you with bill gates, then that will PROVE to people that you are SMART. you might not seem smart right now, but here’s me with bill gates.

doesn’t have to be bill gates. it can be anyone rich and famous who is generally accepted as smart. a supreme court justice.  magic black science man neil degrass tyson. magic asian science man michio kaku. steve jobs. mark jooerberg. the winkelvoss twins. anybody like that. then have that picture handy whenever anyone doubts your smarts. which they will do every day of your life when you are a gainfully employed bigboy.

maybe i SHOULD at least APPLY for Disability (SSI) because it would be SOME income in between jobs hahahaha.  i mean you usually get rejected the first time anyway, then i would have to pay for a LAWYER, etc.

woudl THAT come up in a background check?

MAYBE. probably.

why CANT a single mother teach their daughters how to pick good men? cant the single mother learn from their mistakes, and make sure their children learn from their mistakes?

because its all genetic. 100% nature hahaha. the apple does not fall far from the tree. if your mother picks bad men, you will probably pick bad men too. period. the end.

did nice 5 mile powerwalk

only burns 370 calkories

oh well.

i thought, its annoying when women tell men, you need some time by yourself, alone, to work on yourself, no one else will love you until you learn to love yourself and be comfortable by yourself.

i say thats total bullshit because when have THEY ever been without a rel for TEN YEARS or more. once you have been alone for TEN YEARS, or even “just” FIVE years, I say, you’ve been alone LONG ENOUGH, at this point, being single for so long is gonna hurt you more than its gonna help you “love yourself.” now youre gonna feel bad about being alone for so long! these women and people saying “you gotta love yourself first” have not been without a rel, without a gf or bf or whatever, for TEN FOOKIN YEARS, during the majority of their 20s.

THEY DONT KNOW WHAT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT.

NEVER LISTEN TO RELSHIP ADVICE FROM WOMEN. THEY DONT KNOW ANYTHIGN ABOUT RELSHIPS.

isn’t that funny? aren’t women supposed to be relationship oriented? all about rapport and getting along and all that? chit chat?

then why is it always DRAMA with them?

because they dont know SHIT about relationships!

but they are always IN relationships because…..

cmon you know it……..

WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY, MEN ARE THE DEMAND.

so yeah i have been not even close to dating a woman for over 10 years. and i feel it has TWISTED me into a rusty twisted weird old man who just doesnt know HOW to have a real rel with a person.  well, with a woman at least.

shit ***I**** Know more about how relationships work than most women do, and Ive never been in one!!!!!!

i think when i was happiest…..and it was when i was just hanigng out with HER.

but i’m not ALLOWED to think of those happy times any more. well, i’m ALLOWED, but i know i SHOULDNT.

and technically that was the closest i ever had to a relship with a woman before. i’ve been friends with women before, but those gradually faded out after a couple years, esp after they moved far away. this one didnt fade out. i just kept getting deeper and deeper feelings until shit EXPLODED like a god damn nucular bomb hahahaha.

i dont even want to tell george feels that his interest in programming and coding is a fools errand. i was in his same position. i took a bunch of classes, including some in depth c++ coding. the main thing it taught me was that I could NEVER get a job in this. you have to know SO much just to get an entry level job. which are all being sold out to indians.  but you better either have a BS of CS, or you better be damn OBSESSED with coding, so that you lock yourself in your room, dont shower, and do nothing but CODE all day, making insane apps and programs. I could never do that. I got A’s in my coding  and felt some pride and sense of accomplishment….until I realized that the HARDEST program in c++ course 2, which was fairly hard, is not even the tip of the iceberg of what an entry-level, right out of college, 21 year old Entry Level Programmer would be doing. this is why you take literally 30 coding courses. get back to me when youve finished c++ course 30 and maybe then we’ll talk abuot getting you a 28k job. tons of overtime. FLSA exempt hahahahaha.

but they push coding camps and coding for kids and everybody should learn how to CODE! its the ticket to a good career for everybody!

NO, IT ISN’T, because then you’ll just have more people like me who can write kiddie hello world programs and do some basic functions, classes etc……..but NEVER DO ANYTHING WORTH ANYTHING OF REAL VALUE IN THE REAL WORLD. NOTHING THAT YOU COULD GET PAID FOR, LET ALONE AN AVERAGE INCOME.

you can LITERALLY make better money with your “skills” in a tech support help desk call center than with CODING.

and george would be MUCH better off staying at his boring library job than going to a help desk call center, or thinking hes gonna find a coding job. I have been TRYING to find a boring library job like his, but libraries dont hire FT people, and if they did, and I got an interview, I would probably lose out to a person with a masters of library degree, for a job that doesnt require one, because theres too many of THOSE.

but i dont even want to tell george it’s hopeless. take away the one shred of hope he has. it will be bad enough when he finds out eventually.

or maybe he will make it work, and he will show me how to make it work. obviously going to skool for it was not my idea of a good time hahaha.

and when you talk to actual working programmers, you see that their shit is ON POINT, and they are damn near AUTISTIC with their shit. staying up all night coding. they dont care they are 40 year old virgins because they LOVE coding so much, they literally eat sleep and dream coding, and I just never had it in my MARROW like they do. I had a slight interest in what I saw as a good skill. it is a good skill, but you have to be REALLY good to make ANY money.

I mean if I could find a $12 DAH job writing 12 DAH code and then gradually work up, I would. but i dont think those jobs exist, for newbs like me to write hello world 10 line programs. yeah im really shaky on pointers but just hire me for 12 DAH.

you can’t make 12 DAH being shaky on pointers!!!!!!

but its hard to find a good instructor who can really explain pointers! you either sit their and bash yourself in the head with pointers for 1488 hours until it sinks in, or you ragequit and find better uses of your time, like LIFTING or at least powerwalking. or taking nyquil and sleeping. or blogging.

so i am kinda schadenfreuding that moment when george loses his optimism in CODING.

FOOK CODING. Its a stupid golden calf hahaha. idolatry from idiots who have NO IDEA about how to get a JOB in coding.

but i dont want to say i told you so. this is all he has hahaha. let him have it for a while hahaha.

but why isnt he just smoking weed? hes not straight edge! he drinks a little! and he lives in COLORADO and has not made ONE vidya on MJ??!?!?!?!?!!

and here i am daydreaming about flying out to colorado and staying in a cheap hotel for a week just so I can sm0ke a pound of MJ in a week!! and of course enjoy the nice mountains and nature of colorado. while sm0king MJ in the forests and on the mountains.  and banging some white 25 year old hippie weed sluts.

stupid xkcd friends comic. this guy has some good comics but this is the WORST SHIT EVER and rsutling and triggering in SO MANY WAYS.  WHATS WRONG WITH RELATIONSHIPS GROWING NATURALLY OUT OF FRIENDSHIPS?????? this shit is patronizing to WOMEN for ASSUMING they can be fooled so easily. but they CAN be fooled so easily. come on. have some agency. you dont have to settle for this guy. why dont you call him out on his shit?

also why cant the woman tell that the guy has feelings for her? like me i was giving signals like crazy and i think she was picking up the signals. i should have told her point blank but uhhh i didnt want to tell her over text. i just wanted to hang out with her in a low-stress place like the people in the gay comic hahahaha.

also why is she always dating nothing but jerks? methinks this randall munro is a total niceguy womanhater. repent repent and you can become a ballless phaggot cuck like arthur chu. chen. whatever. that fat feminist male asian who was on jeopardy.

ill make you depend on me? i never did that shit! you cant MAKE someone DEPEND on you! they CHOOSE to enter in a friendship with you!

and you CAN legit “VALUE THE FRIENDSHIP”, while knowing that your feels are causing conflict, so then over time, you decide you want to talk about it. she knows what you want to talk about but she avoids it.

not seeing that angle in your phaggy comic. god damn this comic is so stupid. what if you were just friends at the beginning? and why cant this woman make decisions on her own? and why is the man such a conniving manipulator who has this grand scheme from day 1? I WASNT LIKE THIS AT ALL! WHAT KIND OF MAN WRITES SOMETHING LIKE THIS????

I hate these niceguys that are so anti-niceguy in order to signal to feminist cvnts. i hope this guy is alone and lonely for the rest of his pathetic niceguy woman-respecting life hahahaha. what a thoroughly unmasculine man. YOU FOOKING CHILD.

I just thank GOD I am not like this guy or this comic. although I HATE to think that SHE might think (or anyone else) that I WAS like the phaggot in this comic. there were some surface similarites, like a guy who has feelings for his female friend, but GOD DAMN. LET ME MANSPLAIN.

i wasnt a manipulating liar like he is. i wasnt orchestrating some damn huge production. I was TRYING to tell her. of course my actions were already telling her.

well, didnt the comic guy EVENTUALLY tell the woman ANYWAY, by dating her? then its all out there. so WHATS THE DAMN PROBLEM? that she’s so EMOTIONALLY RETARDED that she can’t figure out why she’s vaguely UNHAAAAAAAPPY? WELL THATS ON HER!! AND SHAME ON the author for setting the bar so LOW for women! although sadly, that really is a realistic bar for women.

i mean at that point, SHE’s living a lie. saying i luv u and being in a relship with a man she doesnt luv. and then the author blames it all on the fookin man. sheeeeit.

show this comic to your friends and lovers and if they LIKE it and says it makes an important point about men and niceguy cowards, punch them in the fooking face, cuz this is the most insulting dishonest JOOISH shit ever.

it treats women as CHILDREN. I know they ARE children, but I wish they werent!

http://xkcdsucks.blogspot.com/2008/12/comic-513-youre-breaking-up.html

hey i didnt want to “ask her out” at first! i didnt feel that way at first! then we just naturally became friends!

and when i wanted to “ask her out” she just kept avoiding me and avoidng me and avoiding me.

so i guess i was stupid for not recognizing that as the answer, that i still WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

i dunno, ive been aware of niceguys for a long time, and i never want to be like that, but i share SOME aspects of that, but also NOT, because i am much more honest about my woman hate hahahaha. i even told her multiple times, im not a nice guy, i can be a total asshole. now let me buy you dinner hahahaha.

NO I wouldnt want to MAKE her be with me if she wasnt happy.

also its unclear if he was just fantasizing dating her, or if he actually dated her. yeah he sounds annoying and dishonest, but she didnt HAVE To date him or even be friends with him.

isnt it WEIRD being friends with somebody who obviously is in love with you?

how can you HIDE that?

I dont think even the WORST NICE GUY CAN HIDE THAT.

So really the woman just ignores it willfully.

so i dont think the niceguys are manipulative or jooish or evil or “expecting sex in return for friendship.”

i think they really ARE wantinga Luv Relship to grow out of a friendship.

but yeah obviously they should talk about it, esp if the woman is still willing to hang out with them.

That WOman knew i liked her, so she was not willing to hang out with me any more.

yeah i was stupid and cowardly but i wasnt like this, and also she should have been a little nicer.

i just hate thinking she viewed ME like the Niceguy Cueball. because i really wasnt.

 

WE’RE TOO BUSY PUTTING OUT FIRES TO PREVENT THEM

apr 16

wow just got invited to take another damn onsite assessment test, for city office job.

i should be happy. i do better at tests than i do at interviews!!!!!! so this means i have a better shot at getting the job!! tests are more fair for anxious weirdos like me! I am more confident that I can do well on a test, MUCH more confident, than I am that i could do well on an interview.

although Mutual Friend boosted my confidence by saying that the Big Boss at the job which I interviewed for in late 2014 and really wanted and did not get and felt kinda screwed, the Big Boss who I thought hated me, actually liked my interview and wanted to hire me.  so thats kewl. would have been better if he just used his clout to hire me but I guess the Politix were too strong.

heh at this rate I might have an actual interview soon hahahaha. too bad that is where I really bomb hahaha.

what would the trumpenfuhrer do. what would trump say, how would trump act, what would trump DO. TRUMP is really one of the best role models for neet losers like us. imitating his general personality is a GREAT idea.

WHAT WOULD TRUMP DO?

I have no doubt trump will disappoint us if he wins, and end up being more Cucky than he is now. Bowing down to our greatest ally, hahahaha. but its safe to say hes the least cucky candidate, and the things he is saying takes balls. and I like a good populist. I too am a man of the people. and the mere audacity to even SUGGEST The Wall, let alone strongly hammer home the point, were gonna build a wall, over and over again. That probably sealed the deal for many of us. the audacity and balls.

it takes TIME to get to know someone and to really like them. when I first met That Person, I felt favorably towards her, but I was much more dialed down. I dont know this person, I dont fully trust them, lets keep them at a distance until they prove themself. and she did. it takes time. its not possible to happen quickly. there is no FAST TRACK. it doesnt work that way. it doesnt go both ways sometimes. thats just the way it is. you dont have to like. i personally like it, i think it is right and just and makes sense. to get to know a person and trust them and love them….takes TIME. it doesnt happen overnight. you cant easily replace them, and you cant easily detach from them.

really that was the best, closest rel I ever had with a woman, period. other friendships with women gradually drifted apart due to the fact that people moved and we didnt see each other regularly. maybe if i had seen them more regularly, over a longer period of time, we wouldnt have drifted apart. but the drifting apart was peaceful and amicable and no hard feelings. not like here.

also we both lived in the same area, saw each other regularly, and the rel got stronger rather than weaker. for me at least. what im saying is that you fookin NORMIES cant tell me i have no right to get upset, because i’m wrong for getting feelings for someone who obviously has no feelings for me.

to that I say, disregard the feelings and just pay attention to the FACT that we have two people who had a long term relship of SOME kind. a long term friendship. just to lose THAT is Very Painful. Can’t you fookin NORMIES understand that? losing a good friend so suddenly and brutally is VERY painful!!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!

and its real stupid, i think she DOES feel bad about Losing A Friend…..but shes too cowardly to apologize, plus I think Ive reached the point where its too late for her to apologize. if she wants to contact me, she better want to BE with me. for at least a year hahahah. monoamorously. and to SHOW me luv and devotion and loyalty and support. and to WANT to spend time with me. WANT to cuddle with me. not blow me off to hang out with chad. not WANT to hang out with other men. i dont hang out with other women!!!!! so you better not hang out with other men!!! i know life isnt fair, but when you luv each other, you make an effort to be FAIR to each other!

show me more interest. text ME more. text me little hearts and smileys before going to bed.  not texting me 100 times a day, but texting me maybe a COUPLE times a day. have at least ONE positive interaction…..every other day. i could handle every day too. maybe 2 out of 3 days? i dont want to EXPECT too much, hahahahaha.

got the call center help desk customer service textbook i mention a few posts ago. its OK but not great. it would have been GREAT to have right when I got hired at that job, but I actually learned most of that stuff already. through hard trial by fire. this book would have made that process easier in explaining the big picture. so yeah i recommend it. I should have bought it immediately upon getting the job.

BUT it doesnt give shit on what to do if you get confused and dont know the answer. it assumes that all answers can eventually be researched and explained. when they CANT. so how do you deal with that? this book doesnt help you there, and thats the MAIN thing I want help with.

you tell them, I’ll research this on my off time and maybe I can get it fixed or explained in the long term, but dont expect anything. paypal or bitcoin tips would be appreciated since Im not allowed to work on this while at work. I will also argue with higher up teams to try to get somebody who actually does have the knowledge and power to fix this, to take a look at it. they will probably Fob you off by saying they’ve added it to their Long Term Project ROADMAP. and then ignore it forever, hahahaha. cuz they’re too busy Putting Out Fires. Just like level 1. just like any job every. nobody ever prevents fires. we just put them out.

WE’RE TOO BUSY PUTTING OUT FIRES TO PREVENT THEM.

damn. it sounds terrible, but i liked hanging out or being around HER, more than I liked hanging out with my other frands. They are just not as much fun and we dont have as good a “connection” as I thought I had with her.

you are NEVER too busy putting out fires to prevent them, because you can be doing the fire prevention on your free time. after everyone else leaves for the day to go being with their families or work on their masterz degrees. then you do some pro bono work and work to prevent the fires. you expect to get paid for your work goy? thats your first mistake! stupid goyim, hehehehe.

april 17

now Im watching the shining on tv and dont enjoy it as much as i thought i would. and now shelley duvall is reminding me of THAT WOMAN. does she really look like infamously ugly shelley duvall? kind of actually, but better looking. much nicer hair than shelley duvall hahaha. but it is interesting how a very plain jane woman like shelley duvall ever became a “leading lady” for even 1 movie. now i have to see what happened to her.

looks liek she “dated” that sleazy slimy J paul simon for 2 years in the 70s. why would you do that?

because she was probably taken with him being a famous damn singer who honestly wrote some good songs, to care that he was a sleazy sneaky scheming little J! shit even I enjoyed graceland and rhthym of the saints and simon and garfunkel. two sneaky little J’s there!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shelley_Duvall

even nice ugly shelley duvall has been been with too many men. a real slut hahaha. has a casual attitude towards sex which shows no respect for life and shows she would be a terrible mother. did she ever have children?

wikipedia mentions no children. so now she is a 66 year old catlady.

well its GOOD she never had children then.

see thats a terrible thing to think about a nice white woman from texas. if she hadnt been snatched up by robert altman, who was obsessed with her, she wouldnt have gotten into hollywood degeneracy.

was altman a J? why didnt HE just marry her before she got too far gone?

I generally respect altman, well I really liked “short cuts.”

hmm not J at ALL, and raised CATHOLIC, educated by jesuits. well he couldnt marry shelley duvall, he had been married to his wife since 1959 until his death in 2000 something and they had many children. well good for them.

hehehehe

anyway I guess I like those plain jane, horseface shelley duvall type women. AS LONG as they are white, AND not fat, AND not a potato shape / stumpy. AND not slutty AND no kids, hahahaha.

but I am kinda a potatoe shape! i think this is “ENDOMORPH.”

well I am working Hard to improve that.

the previous woman was kind of a plain jane too.

basically it means not dressing like a slut, or a slutty slob, or wearing too much makeup, or wearing very tight clothes, etc. you dont NEED to put your bodies so MUCH on display, and you shouldnt WANT to. its a sign of a degenerate society. moral decline.

men and other women can tell you have a decent body WITHOUT wearing tight or revealing clothes. so theres just no reason for it. dont have to wear a burka or beekeeper suit. just dont weak super tight or revealing clothes. wear less slutty as opposed to More Slutty Jeans. dont wear little tank tops with Tits hanging out. dont wear super short shorts. dont wear things that your father wouldn’t approve of. and your father in heaven too hahahahahaha.

you dont need to dress SEXY to prove to everyone you have an attractive body.

no need to make everything SEXY. sex is a private, intimate act. not something you display in public to the whole damn WORLD.

so I really liked that she never seemed to dress “SEXY”. even though she didnt have a father to teach her not to. not that she dressed like a slob or rodeo clown. she just didnt wear super tight or revealing clothes or lots of makeup. not around me at least. she probably dressed like a total fook me slut when she hung out with other guys!!!!

BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!

well I overreacted too. I acted like a CRAZY PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And believe me, I am NOT proud of that. I am ashamed, scared, embarrassed. I dont want to be a crazy person.

how could I ever have a decent rel with a woman if I GO CRAZY every time something goes wrong?

yeah well things went REALLY wrong here, it was the end of the rel. in a more harsh than average way. it would cause a NORMIE to go a LITTLE crazy. so it made me go high medium crazy hahaha.

yeah i know she was scared and maybe weak. i was scared and definitely weak as hell.

she had all the risk factors to become a HUGE slut. so it was all the more amazing that she was NOT slutty at ALL. but it could certainly still happen.

it doesnt matter! it doesnt matter! im done with her!

but i didnt want to be. i wasnt ready to be. so what. stop complaining about it.

heh i dont WANT to stop complaining about it!

little 37 minute, 320 calorie slow jog around the gayborhood hahaha. no its a great neighborhood, mostly white upper working class good catholic people. nothing fancy, but no riff raff either. exactly the kind of good family neighborhood that is ENDANGERED in current year. Unfortuantely I might never Grow Up and be able to live in a neighborhood this nice of my own accord someday and raise a family there. I should have been well on my way by now.

yeah i was stupid and foolish and dumb to fall in luv with her….but luv is often foolish and dumb. it wasnt a bad aggressive hostile hurtful thing. it didnt need to be responded to so aggressively. passive aggressively i mean.

ok. no ones disputing that.

or are they?

I guess I want THE APPROVAL OF NORMIES AND WOMEN, that what I did not deserve being responded to like THAT. That she REALLY COULD HAVE and SHOULD have been a little nicer.

Cuz I think the jury of Women and Normies would side with HER and be AGAINST me!

when I have no idea thats the case.

against, my need for Arbitration and especially Judgement and Verdicts.

Who was MORE WRONG.

SHE was, of COURSHE!!!!!

I was foolish and dumb, but she was cowardly and didnt lift a finger to do the right thing.

I tried to do the right thing A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTT more than she did, which was not at all!!!!!!!!!

i tried to do the right thing, she ran away from doing the right thing!!!!!

well thing is, pretty much everyone i know that ive told about this doesnt think I did anything WRONG or BAD and that she is overreacting a bit, and it would have been NICE if she responded to me, and that this SUCKS for me.

so thats good ahahaha.

so people understand why i am upset, but not why i am SO upset, or why i luved her so much, and why i cant just get over her more quickly.

because it takes me a loooooooong time hahhahaha.

she got over her 5 year, first real BF ever, quicker than it is taking for me to get over her, and i never even fooked her in the ass 90000000 times hahahaha. gave it to her ass to mouth like a disgusting slut hahaha.

which is to say, i dont want her to become a disgusting slut like that. or one that has casual sex and sucks dicks of guys she just met. some women are dick sucking whores. it takes a few dates to fook them proper, but they will suck your dick within 15 minutes. that is still horrible. my daughter will never do that hahahaha.

dont be a dick sucking whore. dont be a dick fooking whore. dont get near the guys dick until you are in a longterm, monogamous rel with him for at LEAST 6 months. you can get pregnant from this, you disgusting moron degenerate. this is serious shit.  this is not a fooking GAME. dont you get nervous about this? do you really want the thousand cok stare? is that what you want?

you SHOULD be cautious and apprehensive about secs! you can get pregnant!

really I would love for them to have some kind of deeper moral reason, like secs is something Sacred or Holy or Special and its Gross and Wrong to do that with someone you dont know. its a SPECIAL thing you ONLY do with someone SPECIAL. NEVER casually, never randomly.

apr 18

rejection email from hospital materials clerk job, basically a warehouse or storage or supply house for the hospital. probably about 12 DAH hahahaha. well at least they were nice enough to reject me. maybe they were looking for somebody with a masters degree or above hahaha. someone with 300 college credits. Technically I have more college Credits than people with masters degrees hahahah. I was just veyr unfocused and took a lot of useless classes and did not declare a second degree.

no they probably are looking for someone with

  1. recent warehouse experience of more than 1 year
  2. no gaps
  3. someone with LESS education.

lessons learned:

  1. remove degree education from resume
  2. lie about gaps
  3. lie about warehouse experience. that is prob easier than lying about gaps. because I could just lie and say my actual real honest truthful jobs, contained some warehouse duties (lie.) add a lie to a base of truth.

its like lying and saying you have experience with SAP for an accounting clerk job when really you only have very basic experience with quickbooks. 10 years ago. and received clear instruction there. which you later learned that clear instructions are frowned upon. figure it out yourself if you have any initiative or self-starting.

so, better to do it WRONG if it means you dont have to ask for help and look weak or dumb or uncertain or beta or underconfident.

speed is more important than quality. better to give 99% instead of 120%, because its likely ONLY YOU would notice that extra 20% anyway, and it’s gonna slow you down from completing more 99% tasks. 99% is Good Enough.

hahahahahaha eat shit you fat bastards.

who the fook commits crimes within a 1 mile radius of the city police station. I get a daily crime email of crimes in muh city. usually just 2 or 3 Larcenies or Frauds. breaking into cars. sometimes stealing tyres and leaving cars on blocks hahahaha.  and people getting charges on a credit card they never opened.

this fox news anchoress is very attractive and has VERY big buxom breasts, and I think it is unprofessional to show even ONE CENTIMETER of tit cleav4ge. unfortunately this is harder to accomplish with women with above average sized breasts. but i believe they must take up that cross nonetheless. its not that it will cause men to rape you, like the barbaric mudslims which some women seem to prefer over their own countrymen. its that its sleazy and shows no self respect or modesty.

damn. received second rejection email of the day, for health care company, general clerk. I was cautiously optimistic about this one, only called for a high school education or GED, and the duties did not sound super duper highly confusing. probably a 13-14 DAHJ hahaha. they never say the wage unless its a municipal or union job.

moved that into the “job rejections” folder hahahaha.

got 8 rejections in the past 12 days, not too bad.  hahahaha

was at a bar/restaurant i had never been to yesterday for social/entertainment event, in a very quaint and middle class area, and was very attracted to the waitress hahahahah. I thought about steathfully Asking Her Out hahahaha. but it was a huge event and all the waitresses were running around serving like 200 people. I would lose my mind doing their jobs!!!!! it was nerve wracking just to imagine it!

it was an older middle class community with smaller but very well kept houses. as opposed to the newer middle class communities with huge stupid mcmansions and no “main street” and no trees and no “walkability.” i much prefer the older style. it seems like a “real neighborhood.” you could walk to the neighborhood bar, get raging falling down drunk, then walk back home to your fat potato wife you resent because thats the only woman you could find who wouldnt leave you hahahaha. or more likely you live alone and havent been with a woman in 10+ years, or are a basement dwelling neet at home hahaha. then you shouldnt be drinking in bars, its too expensive. but the social aspect is important. getting raging drunk around other people hahahaha and seeing qt waitresses you can go home and jerk off to hahahaha. so what you do is, you sneak in a bottle of cheap whiskey or vodka in your trench coat or geeky cargo pants hahahahaha, and chug it in a bathroom stall, and then order like water hahahaha or cokes.

ok got muh 10 job apps in for the day hahahaha bitches.

use your chrome autofill settings to remember zip codes and addresses from jobs from 10 years ago:

chrome://settings/autofill

REJECTED!!! for 14 dah (they actually stated the wage) order entry job at metals supplier. and I DID lie and said I had 1 year of “order entry” experience! received rejection email same day as applied.

that cowardly bitch was good at one thing, besides being a dirty dick sucking fatherless whore hahahaha, she was good at cranking out job applications for stuff she was woefully unqualified for. probably tons of spelling mistakes and shit too. but that is how she got a 15 DAH full time job and is a much bigger winner than me.

well, actually thats not how she got her job. her longterm BF worked there, and he got both her AND me in there. I got along with him allright and he was not jealous and butthurt that his GF had male friends. probably because he was Emotionally Checked Out and preparing his Exit Strategy, or hoping he would be distant enough that she would dump him. I think ultimately he had to dump her. Wish I knew more about that drama hahaha. as i say, he was a decent guy, but their rel had reached its Natural End.

today I learned that over the last 9 months, my 401k has actually gained like 30 dollars despite a god damn 13 dollar per quarter FEE. in other words, its got to make more than 13 dollars a quarter or else I should roll it over or something. can you roll it over into a regular savings account? would their Member Services people even KNOW that? that assumes they get Training in Frequently ASked Questions. which i wouldnt be surprised if they DIDNT. dont blame them, blame the company which is Managing your god damn 401k. blame fidelity hahahahahaha.

but at least I got my underpants in the mail today hahahaha. that is how awesome I am. Using my huge amazon gift card from doing consumer research to buy damn underpants off amazon hahahaha. the same ones I would buy at the Megamart. super soft hanes boxer shorts.

2016-04-18_15h19_58

this is the open documents tab of muh notepad++.  the top cover letter is a short one:

Dear [company] Talent Acquisition team:

I am the ideal candidate for the [official title] position. I demonstrate exemplary detail-orientation, problem-solving, and communication skills, and I am a very motivated team player. I am committed to supporting the workforce and clientele of this organization, and to finding creative ways to maximize production efficiency and reduce operating costs to an absolute minimum. I have excelled in multi-tasking and problem-solving, and I take great initiative in quickly mastering new knowledge and procedures. I have excelled in completing complex technical procedures to strict quality standards, and in making decisions and taking action in complex, urgent situations. I look forward to an opportunity to discuss this position with you.

Sincerely,

Bubba Bigglippz Bluegumz
555-666-1488
semiteslayer@anuddashoah.il

this short one is good for pasting in the indeed apply now button box. and the bottom one is, as the filename insinuates, is longer than that. i use the shorter one a good 80% of the time.

I WAS WILLING TO WORK ON THINGS. SHE WAS NOT. SHE JUST WANTED IT TO END.

You cant MAKE somebody want to work on things. you cant MAKE them NOT want it to end.

if you want to make it work, and they want it to end……its never going to work. its always going to end.

if one person wants it to end, that always wins out over one person wanting to make it work.

its like rock paper scissors. but NOTHING beats it. NOTHING.

so why not play that option every time? i mean that would be a shitty game of rock paper scissors if you played rock every time and it beat everything.

but a rel is not like rock paper scissors. and wanting it to end is not like rock. its a bad metaphor. rock paper scissors is MORE FAIR hahahaha. more checks and balances.

I applied for an Accounts Payable Clerk job today at some kind of car dealership and this was a new low of stupidity. It gave you five terms and asked you to explain your experience on each. This is actually maybe not bad becuase it gives me a chance to show my bullshitting and communication and writing and intelligence skills before the interview, because I blow interviews, but I do better on tests.

here it is: QUOTE from muh what to say during interview fiel:::::::::::::

As a Technical Support Biotch for Big COmpany, I demonstrated determination or grit on a daily basis. Most of my callers were facing urgent technical problems in which errors were preventing work, and I needed to resolve them quickly. Determination was necessary in exercising good judgment, and in persistently carrying out that judgment with callers who may be skeptical, technically-disadvantaged, or uncooperative. We had to be skilled at giving bad news when necessary, and in dealing with fast-paced, potentially confusing situations.
Determination
Please explain a situation where you recently used the characteristic of determination. The situation that you explain can be in either a personal or professional setting.

stupid car dealer accounts payable posting has darn short answer interview questions. i guess this is a good thing.

=========

At Big Company Help Desk, I showed respect to all team members. We had an urgent, fast-paced work environment, and often asked each other for advice or assistance. I was very willing to offer help, because I appreciated the value of receiving help when I needed it. I went out of my way to offer help and build the morale of my team. I treat others as I want to be treated. I enjoy being treated with respect, so I am proactive in showing that respect to others. You do not need to be somebody’s best friend in order to show them common courtesy and respect. Mutual respect makes for a positive and more productive working environment.
Respect
Please explain a situation where you recently used the characteristic of respect. The situation that you explain can be in either a personal or professional setting.
3000 character max. (2351 characters left)
same stupid company
=========
Integrity
Please explain a situation where you recently used the characteristic of integrity. The situation that you explain can be in either a personal or professional setting.

In my perspective, integrity means accountability, honesty, and straightforwardness. You stand behind the work you produce and don’t try to withhold information from clients or colleagues. You present both the pros and the cons of any given situation. You make the clients aware of any risk factors or small details which are very important, but may be easily overlooked. You make sure everyone is well-informed and on the same page, so as to minimize surprises or unintended consequences. You tell the whole truth even if it is something that might not make the client happy. You do not overpromise things you cannot deliver just to be a people-pleaser. You try to go above and beyond for all clients, but do not promise more than you know you are capable of. It’s also crucial that you follow through with clients to make sure they are satisfied and to see if they have a need for any additional service or information. You also don’t give clients a “runaround”, tell them “we don’t handle that”, or leave work unfinished. You are accountable for your work and if you don’t have the authority to help a client, you will personally introduce them to someone who does.

3000 character max. (1831 characters left)

come on guys
============

Vision
Please explain a situation where you recently used the characteristic of vision. The situation that you explain can be in either a personal or professional setting.

Vision can either refer to the mission of the organization, in a big picture sense, and on an individual level, it can refer to your own sense of good judgment. It’s essential for team members to have good judgment and be able to make well-informed decisions with their projects and clients, so that each individual can add value both for the clients, and for the organization as a whole. A team composed of many people all exercising good judgment can then build a positive trajectory for the organization over the long-term, as the company moves forward in providing more value to more clients.

3000 character max. (2404 characters left)

really this is just getting tediuous.
====

Empathy
Please explain a situation where you recently used the characteristic of empathy. The situation that you explain can be in either a personal or professional setting.

Empathy is critical to both work and personal success. You need to be able to put yourself in the other person’s position in order to build a productive relationship with them. Listen to what they are saying and how they are saying it. Show the client that you truly understand their issue and how it impacts them, without being patronizing. Then take ownership of their issue and tell them how you are going to solve it. Follow through with them until they are satisfied. Deliver on your promises and build positive relationships with clients. Empathy is the cornerstone of a great customer experience. You have to care about the clients’ wants and needs, and gain their trust in your ability to serve those wants and needs.

I’m not describing specific situations, so this will probably be thrown into the trash. Im trying to demonstrate my BS skills tho.
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END QUOTE

so that was it. all for a damn 13 DAH job hahahaha.

I was thinking a simple solution to all the worlds problems would be to take the 4 years of high school, and make the final 2 years a damn associates degree. essentially cut high school in half and do the final 2 years at a community college so you have an associates degree by age 18. then you can get a bachelors degree by age 20 if you want. there is NO WAY HIGH SCHOOL should take 4 years, train you for NOTHING, and eat up 4 of the most valuable years of your life, where you are strong, health, you body and brain works well, you can learn everything faster and better. you could PROBABLY get the full bachelors degree done by age 18, but I am being conservative here. full 2-year associates degree level of training by age 18, the traditional end of high school. well trained for many entry level jobs to make 15 DAH and be a productive Tax Payer and support yourself.

why wouldnt FEDGOV want MORE TAX LIVESTOCK hahahaha. its in FEDGOV’s best interest to have employable youths!!!!!! not fookin layabout neets who become criminals and isis and welfare and active shooters and neets and dead weight! consumers not producers! eaters not feeders! takers rather than givers to uncle sam!!!!!

i like to think those bullshit answers i gave are good enough to get an interview for a damn 13 DAH job! but maybe they earned me the politeness of a rejection email at least hahahaha.

i gotta get back to flashcards. make 100 flashcards of the most important things I need to know. maybe 50 about that woman and 50 about job related stuff.  i only learn things with flashcards. therefore, make flashcards.

MAKE FLASHCARDS.

I have a number of flashcard worthy things in here.

i have bundles of old flashcards saved that i could probably use.

yeah so i was annoying and pushy. that was not super cool. but she was WAY MORE super uncool. come on. write an email or something, EVENTUALLY.

im sorry i was pushy. but it didnt hurt her as much as she hurt me hahaha. i just annoyed her and made her roll her eyes and go ugh. she broke muh heart and devastated me hahahaha.

did 4.2 mile walkjog, burn 480 calkories. was listening to type o negative “dead again” and in the song “september sun” which starts off like a ripoff of motley crue “home sweet home”, but sort of gets better, there is a catchy TON style chorus where he says “leave her…leave her alowowowone.” and so then I always think “damn pete, I AM leaving her along. she wanted to be left alone, i left her alone 9 months ago. I sent her about 1 email per 11 days during the last 34 days of our “contact” and she never responded. then that was IT. then i left her alone forever.

yes I was pushy to her beforehand. and yeah she did tell me once. sort of, to maybe not be so pushy. and I know we dont always owe people reasons or explanations, and NO is a COMPLETE SENTENCE.

I dont know. I think when you KNOW someone for 2.7 years, you DO sort of owe them an explanation, or at least an email, and not to expect them to be okay with being SHUT OUT completely for an indefinite period of time. it has to be a TWO WAY STREET.

I’ll give you time and space, BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A TIME WHEN WE’LL MEET. one month or so.

ooo theres a good flashcard.

ok i just made 4 flashcards to start. pretty basic stuff. thats the POINT.

  1. I want to work on this relationship. Are you willing to do the same, or do you want to end it? we need to COMMUNICATE.
  2. If you want to get out of this rel, I’d appreciate being treated with respect and common courtesy.
  3. I will give you time and space, but…(flip card over)….it would be NICE f you give me an exact time we will meet and talk about this. and/or some kidn of explanation.
  4. We need to talk NOW.
  5. I feel sad and rejected when you avoid hanging out with me for months.  (might be accusatory: try when we haven’t hung out for months and you always say no when I ask you again and again hahaha.)

stupid ass what to say during the interview file

QUOTE

I used to struggle when a caller would claim that, in the past, they were able to do something, or the program had a certain feature which it doesn’t seem to have any more, but I didn’t know enough about the program or the process to know how it has changed over the course of several years. Often it was difficult if not impossible to find irrefutable evidence of when a feature was removed. Maybe the feature was instead relocated or repurposed instead of removed entirely. Asking an SME (level 2), they might respond, this was never possible, the caller is mistaken. Not having mastery and experience with the program or procedure, I would have to take my SME’s word….but the caller might not be willing to. Very often people don’t like to be told they are wrong. I could not simply tell the caller they were imagining things. I would tell them I haven’t found any evidence that the feature they’re looking for still exists, and that when I checked with an SME in the subject, they said they couldn’t find any evidence it still existed either. I can continue investigating, but it does not very hopeful, and there’s a good chance I will come back to you 10 minutes later with the same answer. In this case, the caller would most likely sigh in annoyance and say that’s all right, I’ll work around it. Then I would apologize and submit a formal feature request on behalf of the caller, but also warn them that although I could guarantee their request will be read and considered, I cannot guarantee a callback or that the request will be approved, and I have absolutely no estimate on when it may be implemented. If implemented it would take at least 3 months. I apologize for the inconvenience. I can see how that feature was convenient, and I don’t have an explanation as to why it was removed.

OR I would take ownership of the case myself, as I would probably not get permission to escalate it from the original SME/level 2 who was saying the feature didnt seem to be available any more. I would research the issue on my own free time and then call the caller back with the explanation within 48 hours.

During that time I would consult with different SME’s and see what advice, evidence they could offer; or see if they would be willing to escalate the case to tier 3, who has the power to actually engineer the system. Developers, engineers, QA. Then I would call the caller and inform them of this update. Then I would bookmark the case and follow up with it every several days until it was closed. If it did not appear to be moving forward, I would contact the last agent who worked on the case and say I’d like to follow up with this caller, could you please tell me what is the resolution to this case, and would you like to close the case or should I? because sometimes level 2 and 3 want to maximize their case close numbers.

Also, if the case were closed without the caller being contacted, I would contact the caller and let them know the resolution. if there were not a clearly noted resolution, I would contact the last agent on the case, and ask them to update the case with a full resolution and I will call the caller, or they can call the caller if they want to. Either way, let me know. the caller deserves follow up.

END

anyway my point was when a caller argues with you, why cant I do this any more, just a couple months ago I was able to do this, whats changed, how do I do this now, and you’re like i dunno I have no idea what you can and cant do in this weird complicated program, and i have no idea whats changed. let me ask level 2.

ok level 2 says that cant be done your wrong.

well your level 2 is wrong, i swear I did this about 4 months ago.

ok. ok. let me get back to him and see if we can send a case up.

ok he doesnt want to approve escalation. (well its bad to go down this route, because then they’ll want to talk to level 2.) well heres what I can do for you. I can research this and call you back within 72 hours, but I’m probably not gonna be able to get any help from higher up on this, and 80% chance our answer is not gonna change. were not gonna be able to do that thing, and I wont be able to find any documentation that it was taken out. They might not have taken it out, it might have never existed in the first place, and the first level 2 was right. or they might have taken it out and then not made a note of it. or they might have taken it out and made a note of it, but I have no access to their documents, and to help me, they’d have to escalate a case and work on themselves, and they dont wanna….i mean…umm…..IT IS WHAT IT IS. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. NOTHING WE CAN DO. IT IS WHAT IT IS. you might have been able to do this in the past, but you cant do it any more, period. it sucks, but IT IS WHAT IT IS.

hahahaha.

how would that woman handle it?

shed say sorry cant do that any more is there anything else i can help u with

and then the person would say ugh im not gonna get anywhere with this moron

and that woman would never think about it again, never look into the issue again, it would never bother her again.

and i would go crazy trying to provide evidence of when they took the feature out.

it might not even be an important enough feature to warrant noting if they took it out. but I have no sense of PERSPECTIVE on the damn program. you dont have any perspective on anything in the first 6 months.

one thing i wish i had done more is when I was able to transfer a caller to another department, was actually do a conference call with that other department, just to see what they actually DID. I would never be found out, my phone would look the same, like i was still on the call, which I technically WAS!!!!!

Also the idea of Unofficially Taking Ownership so that I could call back a caller. but since you couldnt get approval for After Call Work if it was gonna take more than 10 minutes of research…..if you wanted to do 30 minutes of research, ya better do it unpaid on your free time hahaha. double whammy there. on the other hand, it would be good studying, and you’d probably be worried about it anyway, and study it anyway, so why not tell the caller you’ll call them back in……72 hours. and if they bitch at you, tell them you’re doing this in your free time, when I should be spending time with my family. simply because no one higher up thinks this is worth someone of their intellect looking at this case. so you’re stuck with me.

I can also put you back into the general queue and hope the next person you get is better at this than me.

i mean if you tell a person you cant do this, and you’ll have to hold for 10 minutes just to get an explanation why you cant do it……they will probably say that’s ok, its not worth it. so you can play that gambit.

you don’t learn this type of stuff from books, and you don’t learn it from co workers. you figure it out for yourself while you are trying to fight your way out of the most ridiculous situations with no help. thrown to the wolves.

damn i should have just transferred people right back to another level 1.

but see thats….i dont know. if they get a good level 1 who can help them, thats good….but then that level 1 would be smart enough to look at that persons history (maybe) and see that I just talked to them a few minutes ago and closed the case without resolution. because you dont want to note that you transferred it back to level 1. also better to just close the case and say nothing, rather than lie and say you told them IT IS WHAT IT IS. although that is probably what you SHOULD have told them.

it’s tricky knowing what kind of lies and omissions you can get away with in the case notes!

because you HAVE to cut corners in order to reach the bare minimum! quota or target or goal or whatever metrics.

but you cant say this in an interview!

also, i dont LIKE cutting corners! were not talking about giving them 99% here. more like 60%. 60% isnt good enough for me or my callers hahahaha. 99% is though. but muh level 2’s arent giving me the support I need to get to 99%! because THEY are stretched too thin and dont have enough time or people to give you the help you need!

so the only solution is to MAKE more time by doing this work off the clock.

heh. i was just angry that i was willing to do this but SHE was not. she would be flying out the door the second her shift ended. you were TECHNICALLY allowed to be 10 minutes late without penalty. at 11 or 12 minutes, you officially got points. so guess what she did. yes. cut it super close ALL THE TIME. while I was getting in 30, 45, 60 minutes BEFORE start of shift to read email, look at cases, make coffee for people, go to bathroom and have nervous coffee shits, show managers and level 2’s i was a team player.

she doesnt need to do that because everyone likes her because she is a purty gurl.

now she can cancel this out by being a huge bitch, and many women do.

but she is usually super nice to people so, she prob wont. everyone will say what a NICE gurl, i wish I had a gurlfran or wife like that, i always date these bitchy bitches, why aren’t there any NICE women any more, oh thank GOD, here’s one!!!!!!!!!

 

IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser

THE CHADS THEY CHOOSE

1116

so more and more people are identifying as gay shit like demisexual and asexual and aromantic and many years ago before the younger millennial teenz got into this shit, i thought i might be asexual because i had no success with wimmin.

but no i am not asexual or aromantic cuz i do feel those feels.

however i feel the strongest and most profound feels for people i actually know, which techincally makes me a “DEMISEXUAL”, which i thought was so goddam weird that it required its own special term, for what in the 50s was considered normal, because NOWWWWW people just fook each other and throw them away, or they fall in luv for like 2 days and then its over.

a breakover is a breakup where you use the devastation to begin your life anew. gay author greg berhrendt advises a 60 day “HE-TOX” of NO CONTACT. see, NO CONTACT is obviously such a good idea, even stupid people recognize its value. well i have been like fookin 90 days of no contact bitches hahaha.

anyway i thought……

so she PUNISHED me for being COWARDLY and ANNOYING, by being so MEAN and HARSH and “nuclear.” that was my punishment for being weak and cowardly and annoying and pushy and afraid and omega and sissy.

i dont think its in proportion! sure what i did was not great, but it doesnt merit a punishment like that! thats like beating somebody to death for eating an extra cookie out of the cookie jar. thats like making somebody put 9000000000000000000000000000 dollars in the Swear Jar for saying Damn.  thats like raping your children 900000 times a day because they were 1 minute late once.

also…….. i have my sexist woman hating devils advocate in my mind, where if i were to say, the problem with the modern age, is people are treating sex as strictly recreational, rather than procreative, was my stupid evil internal woman could say…..THATS RELIGIOUS. IM NOT RELIGIOUS you shitlord, small minded sky fairy and such.

well YOUR BODY DOESNT CARE IF ITS RELIGIOUS OR NOT, shitloads of nonreligious women are getting pregnant hahhahahahaha.

anyway to assume Most Women would fail to grasp this super easy logical distinction is very sexist you shitlord hahahahaha. of course women know that nonreligous women can still get pregnant………..right?????

also, its NOT really a religious way of thinking.

well, its what you believe is the FIRST function of Sex.  and of course, in the modern age, “IT DEPENDS” onthe situation. if you are in your 20s and want to have fun with chads, then the first function is FUN. if you are 35 and are making 300k a year and have conquered the career world and now want to Start Settling down, then its first function is procreation hahahahahaha.

yeah its almost worse than a death. because the dead person returned your feelings. it was a good rel. here, the person ends the rel BECAUSE they dont share your feelings, and they are still out there Loving Other People and Loving Life, they just kicked you the fook out because you were good enough. very painful!

yes. def takes closer to 200 days than 100 days to Get Over Someone hahahaha. Really the only way to do it is to Not Contact Them until one day they become a Faded, Distant Memory. takes a damn long time.

as an unpopular outsider weirdo introvert male, it can be hard to relate to Women, because even the INtroverted OUtsider Women are, in a way, one of THEM, one of the popular Normies, because the nerdy women are still picking the Popular Normie Chads and the Alpha Males. the big winners who make 300k a year and have good careers. and then wonder why dont all guys make a lot of money. because they must be losers. or why arent all guys charming and fun and have a lot of friends and are popular. oh well they must just be losers.

Quiet Shy gurls end up becoming more normie and more chad because that is the kind of guys they Date IE Fook, make babies with.

so shy quiet guys might especially get demisexual feels for quiet shy gurls, but the quiet shy gurls still go for the popular normie alpha extravert chads. the popular kids in high school. the adult world is just like high school, just even worse hahahahahaha.

yeah i thought i might have had a CHANCE with that person, that she wasnt totally out of my league, but she also wasnt totally shitty either. like the only people in my league are gonna be undateable white trash who are batshit crazy, bipolar, borderline, sociopath, psychopath, ridiculous issues, abadoned by father, raped by stepfathers for years, raped by badboi boifrans, huge long slut phases, heavy drugs, cutting, go out partying with booze and drugs and get gangbanged, manny abortionz, taking the pill for years because casual sex can and does happen at any time, usually every time you go out to party; horrible tattoos, narcissist, etc. just bad news type women. this is the best i thought i could get.

so THAT PERSON had SOME issues but not a lot, not enough to be horrible. plus her issues were things beyond her control, just more or less a sad unfortunate life growing up, but she hadnt turned into a total mess. also i dont blame women for getting raped or molested, but unfort women who were raped or molested at a young age often turn out to be a huge mess later. thankfully she was not raped or molested. just abandoned hahahahaha. so she did not grow up to be a huge slut or partyer. but it did make her prone to being emotionally retarded and prone to abandoning other people. like me hahahaha.

ok need to call the dr, i am running out of MEDS hahahaha.

so women go CRAZY when chad or tyrone dumps them. they STALK them, they constantly stay in touch and try to manipulate him to get back together, they slut it up, and the media says now now. this is amusing and somewhat humorous but its not the best idea sweetie. meanwhile if a man does the same thing he is a sexist shitlord abuser rapist. well because men are higher up in the power hierarchy. the patriachy. when men do it, its punching down; when women do it, its punching up against the oppressor holding you down, thats WHY its ok for women and NOT OK for men.

well i went crazy but i never stalked her! and i went no contact and did not really try to manipulate her! well i sent emails begging her to respond to me and please try to End The Relationship Better. that was it.

ok called the dr. sort of sounded like an unemployable unmatable idiot, but not to many likes or ums or vocal fry hahahahahaha. they said they would call me back either way, and try to get the dr to rewrite the prescription, the person i talked to, The Front Desk Receptionist, was very good. took less than 2 miuntes and didnt even write out a script beforehand hahahaha.

what makes more sense, Getting Over It 1% per day, or less than that? like .5 percent a day? uh yeah methinks its closer to .5 . how about .25 hahahaha.

just ASSUME ONE YEAR. its gonna be rough for ONE FULL YEAR when you LOSE somebody THAT IMPORTANT to you.

what was my secret to becoming close to her? absolutely NOTHING. it was the EASIEST, most NATURAL thing in the world. there was no planning, no worrying, no manipulating, no scheming, no practicing, it just happened smoothly and naturally. she began working at my place of easy work in october 2012 or november; i had just gotten “dumped” by That Previous Woman; i was happy to just have a friendly woman i could talk to easily. we talked about music and news and conspiracies and i thought well she is a nice sweet gurl, kinda troubled, but very nice. and arent we all troubled in some way. we would go out to lunch or coffee and just talk and it was so fookin natural and easy. the only thing that wasnt easy was talking about her boifran, or me talking about my luv life, but everything else was smooth and easy. after a year or so of this, we were Friends, and she felt more comfortable talking about the probs with her Boifran. and i still didnt have feels for her cuz i had put her in that box of Unavailable, plus i was still kinda in that box too.

anyway we just CLICKED naturally and i was known as a shy and not super social person, and she was kinda the same way, but when we got together we talked like we had a real connection, and the managerz at our job tried to keep us apart so we didnt talk so much, they were surprised to see ME of all people turning into a chatty cathy.

me, a chatty cathy. who would have thunk it.

well i DO write like a chatty cathy hahaha. but i gotta find a SPECIAL person to be able to TALK to them like this, like i write. and she was that special person. its really not surprising AT ALL that i came to get feelings for her. she didnt have to be so god damn mad about it. its surprising it didnt happen SOONER. i probably could have trained myself to make them happen sooner, but i Respected Her Rel too much and didnt want to interfere with it. but as soon as it ended, I Began Thinking. Hmmm shes a quality gurl and I would be lucky to have a gurlfran like that.

alas it was not meant to me.

i watched this “documentary” on the band katatonia who i used to be really into, i was big into them in 2000-2004, when i was young, i was fully on board during the “last fair deal gone down” and “viva emptiness” days, muh two biggest albums for them. anyway the documentary was great but it was also amusing to see that these guys were also just big degenerate drunk normalfags, when i thought they were so different. they would go on tour and get raging drunk every night like 18 year olds. i guess i cant blame them! and its not really surprising. its just interesting to hear them tell the stories. also the fact that they had gurlfrans and jobs and babies. i kind of wanted them to be severely despairing losers. but no. they would just work their jobs, be in luv with their gurlfrans, have babies, make great music, get drunk, and never lose control of their lives. i really liked the singer because he seemed so grumpy and despairing. but hes just a nonvirgin normie like the rest. how did he keep his job at the post office with a bad attitude like that? how come i cant get a job at the post office hahahaha. also his bad attitude did not stop him from getting a gurlfran who loved him enough to have 2 babies with him; and to hold down a job; and to be super creative making great music. how the fook can i relate to this????!!?!?!?!?! it was easier when i was younger.

anyway they are still a great band, and this video is very fun to watch, and degenerate normie norvirgins or not, they are still well worth listening to, and can help you channel some good angst and despair.

“despair” carries some connotation of “worrying” as well. like its not a perfectly chill kind of despondency. you are still worried about something.

how do these drunk losers get a fulltime job at the post office? they cant be customer facing with a bad attitude like that! but ALL JOBS are customer facing ALL THE TIME. so how does he not get fired? and taking all the time off to go on tour? what kind of father is he to his children? what kind of husband is he to his wife? does he cheat on her? does she cheat on him? is she a piece of total trash? why did i ever look up to this guy? because when i was young and grumpy and troubled i felt he was a kindred spirit of myself. i mean i can totally still see it. but he loses some grumpy grouchy cred by being a winner in many ways, and also as an old man, i have much less tolerance for the degenerate booze soaked rock n roll lifestyle, with disgusting disease ridden groupie sluts.

normies gtfo reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

or when gurls pretend like theyre socially awkward, you know whats socially AWKWARD, when  you havent made out or had secs with a woman for 10 years hahahahahaha.

secs is an inherently intimate act which they actively strip the intimacy away from; they actively cheapen it. well i guess so do the guys, the CHADS, they choose to have fun recreational nonintimate degraded degen secs with.

THE CHADS THEY CHOOSE.

I choo choo choose chad hahahahahahaha.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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so yeah i cant convince myself that i didnt deserve the punishment i got. i try to, but i dont succeed. basically i tell myself, yep, what i did was REALLY THAT BAD. because women naturally hate cowards and pussies. always have, always will, thats the way nature made us. just like men dislike sluts.

yeah well i dont think its as Morally Repugnant for a Man to be a Coward, as it is for a woman to be a slut.

i mean its not great, but its not in the same ballpark of shamefulness imho.

a woman being a slut hurts other people.

a man being a coward hurts mainly just himself. well unless he is called upon to defend his wife and family but then runs away.

but he’s ALREADY MATED.

i guess you could say he’s a Deadbeat, Deadbeats are too COWARDLY to MAN UP and tkae the Responsibility of taking care of their kids. that would be the best example of cowardliness hurting someone else.

so a deadbeat dad is about as morally wrong as a slut.

ok fine i can get behind that.

but i dont think its necessarily COWARDICE, its more laziness or just not wanting to take on that extra work. not that theyre SCARED, they just dont WANT to.

but it might be too much to ask women to differentiate this.

Just as women dont like sluts because it means the kid might not be theirs, women dont like cowards or weaklings because they might be deadbeats and run off on their kids.

SO WHY THE FOOK DO YOU MATE WITH THEM? YOURE THE CHOOSER! WHY CHOOSE MEN WHO WOULD BE BAD FATHERS???!?!?!?!?!

I mean, compare Dreamy Steamy Chad Thundercock with The Cowardly Lion.

so i dont think its COWARDICE per se.

besides, dont you think the cowardly lion would make a MUCH better father than Chad Thundercock? who’s more likely to run off on their kids?

basically its Alpha Fooks, Beta Bucks.

but the betas gotta be alpha enough to MAKE that much money. making a lot of money is not easy! youd think it would go along with the same confidence and charisma; that this is attractive to employers the same way it is to women, and i think it is.

men dont choose women who would be bad mothers! (ie sluts)

i mean men dont really CHOOSE women anyway, but if they did, they wouldnt choose sluts!

and if the sluts get pregnant, the guy very understandably says SEE YA! i dont want to HAVE BABIES with you! you are no more LOYAL than a MERCENARY! how do i even know that kids even mine! go get an abortion bitch! i aint payin child support!

because he knows the slut isnt the type of woman he wants to be with long term.

heres a video with MAH BOY MW and the qt reactionary gurl TTWL on a google hangout. i dont trust qt gurls especially j00ish ones but yeah she could cure me of muh asexuality hahahahaha. i mean my white female friend was hotter, but TTWL could still get me to say yes to secs hahahahahahahaha even though i swore off of j00s. but i am not successful and confident enough to pull a young qt………..even if she is a nonwhite j00 hahahaha. shit i mean i thought j00ish gurls were supposed to be UGLY, like lena fatham hahahahaha. no not necessarily. but their leftish baby boomer j00ish mothers and cucked lapdog jewboy fathers tell them its ok to ride the chad carousel and get as manny abortionz as they want.

i was on my 5 mile walk and walking on the bike path portion and a jewish man rode his bike past me. i almost crapped my pants because jews dont live in my town. this is not a jew friendly town. i never met a jew until i went to a middle class jewniversity, and then i never met a jew again. jews simply do not exist in my world, except through the degeneracy they force down the goyims throats on the televitz talmudvision. so to see a real life actual jewish man in the wild was INSANE. i say he must have been jewish cuz he had those stringy things hanging out of his pants, i forgot what they were called, those jewish clothes. and he had a beard. maybe he was orthodox jew. that would make a lot more sense. cuz i think orthodox jews still live in Upper WOrking Class neighborhoods with goyim. i mean there isnt even a jewish community center within 20 miles. anyway i should have stopped him and treated him as a Jewish Information Desk where I was Entitled To Impose on him for Information and his Time hahahahahaha.

anyway its just stupid that my female friend will just give it up to anybody, quickly.

well what is my evidence of that.

even the short term boifran she had, i think she knew him for a while beforehand.

(maybe that was why i thought i could possibly “upgrade” from “friends” to “Something more”, because he certainly had!)

i would need to know how long she knew the FIrst Main BF before having S with HIM. it was probably a little while. cuz he was the first man she was ever with. i dunno i guess i could email him and ask him hahahahahaha.

i mean i never had a huge problem with HIM other than he oculd have treated her better, but i generally got along with him, and she was happy for him that i was being friendly with him, cuz she thought he needed more friends, because he was autistic and didnt ahve any friends.

so yeah i dont have any proof that she fooks guys quickly without knowing them.

when you have major Cognitive Distortions, you must QUESTION EVERYTHING that goes through your mind.

well what is the BENEFIT of holding that belief? well it would mean she is just a crazy whore and make it easier to blame her. also easier to hate her and distance myself from her.

what is the CONS of holding that belief: uhhhhh it might not be The Truth? because Muh Perfect Angel is not a crazy whore? well shes not my perfect angel either!

besides even if i think of her as a damn whore, its not like im shifting ALL the blame off of me. i will ALWAYS be aware of my participation here. namely, when i said damn and had to put 900000000000000000000000000 dollars in the swear jar. when i got caught doing a Rolling Stop, and got punished with The Electric Chair.

yeah i admit it. i said damn. i didnt stop fully at the stop sign. whoops i should have stopped at that yellow light instead of speeding up. so sorry.

“If you have anger issues how well do you really think you’ll do as a front line support tech?

If you have issues dealing with a particular sex how well do you think it will go when you are constantly in stressful environments with them?”

Eli the computer guy.

bbbbbut maybe i didnt do just a rolling stop. maybe i crushed a little old ladies head with a fire extinguisher and kicked puppies and clubbed seals and tore the head off a small child and sewed rabid rats into a womans pregnant stomach, and i thought all this was the moral equivalent of a rolling stop!

but do i really????!?!?!?!?!

is being A COWARDLY WIMP about saying “HAY I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU” the same as doing the ol 1984 burning rats chewing off your face in the rat cage face mask torture thing???? IS IT REALLY??!?!?!?!?! I dont think so!

ok time for another 7miler at the fatness hahahaha. and to pick up my meds. thankfull the dr refilled them for hopefully 3 more months. if they force me to go in after 3 months then i will ask to get it jacked up to 40 mg.

well SHE thought i was TORTURING her. so in a way it was like the Frenzied Rat Eating A Hole In Your Face or Stomach Torture. and i was the frenzied rat rather than the sadist applying the heat to the rat hahahahaha.

sometimes i think i should CONTACT not HER, but other people we both know, for example her x boifran, who i knew, or this woman we both know. and ask THEM to ask HER to please please please respond to me!

i dunno i gotta go.

FEELINGS ARENT WEIRD; UNFORTUNATE BUT NOT WEIRD

118

yeah. i dont think i was misrepresentin. cuz even though i admitted that my female friend was good looking, at the beginning, i DIDNT REALLY WANT TO BANG HER. that only came MUCH later. with the feelings. it has to do with the fact that i was getting over somebody else.

and what happens when you are still in process of getting over somebody?

you dont want to BANG ANYBODY ELSE. at least not for me.

whenever i see an attractive woman now, I think, YEAH, she’s attractive, bangable, but i’d still much rather be banging THAT PERSON. she’s not as attractive to me as THAT PERSON. so i guess i’d bang her, but i dont really care, i’m not gonna try, and even as i was banging her, i’d be wishing i were banging THAT PERSON instead.

so you rack your brain trying to think of OTHER PEOPLE to Beat The Meat to, and you CANT. you can think of other attractive women in the SPank Bank sure, but…..you still want THAT PERSON more.

that’s the position i was in when i first met and became friends with That Person. at that time, there was ANOTHER That Person hahahaha. the previous incarnation.

it would be like if i became friends with a pretty young woman right now hahahahaha. but i am certainly not.

so yeah i immediately recognized her as good looking but i didnt really feel it or didnt really care until about 2 years later hahahaha.  then i tried to make my cares KNOWN and DISCUSS them so as not to MISREPRESENT.

shit yeah it was a confusing and weird situation. i had never had this happen to me. i thought it couldnt happen. ie, me get feelings for a female friend. well now i know. it can happen. especially if the female friend is 25 or under, not ugly, and no kids.

but yeah its HARD. usually i dont respect women cuz they have S with guys TOO SOON. wait at least 2 months for gods sakes.

pot kettle maybe because every S partner I’ve have, i havent known them long. i was resentful and uncomfortable having S so soon, but i figured i would regret NOT having S with a cute young woman while they were willing. and that i was absolutely correct about. so i don’t regret having S with them, but i dont respect them for essentially pressuring me to have S so early. but “so early” ie less than 1 month is NORMAL. i am sure That Person will be doing the same, when she meets a guy who is Hot, she will Let Him In before one month.

Dunno i just think people show KNOW and RESPECT each other, and women should not offer SEX until men offer their COMMITMENT.

and also when a man has S with a woman, she should offer her commitment and loyalty.

its not an issue of OWNERSHIP, its an issue of RESPECT and LOYALTY and CHOOSING to be LOYAL to someone you CARE about more than OTHERS.

google whitest city in brazil, whitest city in chile hahahahaha

argentina and uruguay are said by pro white internet forums to be the whitest countries in south america

just want someplace warm and white hahahahaha.

maybe i would race mix with somebody as high as 25% nonwhite hahahaha.

as long as they were 25 or under and good looking.

i blame myself for all my failures but do not congratulate myself for my successes! of which there are not many, but the most recent one would be becoming good at my insanely hard job.

but i do blame other people for my failures sometimes too, and fail to take responsibility, such that i have an External Locus of Control, just a victim of the cruel world.

so i think she made a mistake of judgment. but do you think i can be the one to convince her? i can never convince her. plus it would look REALLY creepy if i were to contact her now. plus ive been doing so GOOD. well, not in terms of life, ive been doing horrible. but ive been doing good in terms of not contacting her.

googling why does it take so long for peoplesoft to update. peoplesoft is a very popular human resources type program, its more than just a program, its like an ERP, and i dont really understand what that is, but i can tell you that peoplesoft is very important and a lot of companies use it, including my old company.

new employees need to be “entered in” peoplesoft, their peoplesoft profiles “verified” and “check their peoplesoft and make sure it all looks good”, unfort, hiring managers did not know what that meant, and neither did we. “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh check all their job codes and make sure they have all the job codes they need?”

how do i know which job codes they need?

“uhhhhhhhhhhh youre the manager youre supposed to know? talk to YOUR manager if you dont?”

I ALREADY DID, HE SAID CALL YOU!!!!!!

“uhhhhhhhhhh he was wrong. call HIS manager.”

and noone wants to talk to THEIR manager, let alone their MANAGERS MANAGER!

YOUR MANAGER DOESNT WANT TO HELP YOU! IF YOU ASK HIM QUESTIONS YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE LIVING HELL! THATS WHY THEY NEVER WANTED TO ASK THEIR MANAGERS!!!!!!!!

ok i am gonna try to go to planet fatness and walk on the treadmill. i am worried about the following:

  1. will it be super busy (sunday night) and i have to fight for a treadmill?
  2. will front desk give me a hard time because i dont have a CHECKING account, and i used the member portal to set up my billing with a SAVINGS account?
  3. does the portal link up with the system they see in the store?
  4. would they even know?
  5. planet fatness is run by ASSHOLES so we can assume the franchise owners are assholes, their managers are assholes, and the kids at the bottom will either not know anything, because the assholes dont want to spend the money to train them; or try to bullshit you with bullshit, as they gradually transform into asshoesl themselves;
  6. how do the lockers work? can i put my wallet and keys in a locker?
  7. do they even have showers?
  8. do they have drinking fountains or do i have to bring in my water bottle? i saw a guy before returning to his car, and he took a water bottle out of his trunk, drank from it, put it back in his trunk (boot for UK readers). he did not bring the water inside.
  9. theyve gotta have water fountains right?
  10. will they give me shit if i am on the treadmill for more than 30 minutes? ideally i want to be on it for 2 hours!!

look at that laundry list of worries!

at that consumer complaint website i have heard HORRIBLE things abotu planet fitness, like people getting charged THOUSANDS of dollars because the front desk kid forgot to “submit” their cancellation paperwork; getting tons of hidden charges when trying to cancel.

119

went to the fatness for 2 hours, it was actually ok.  will get back to that.

slept ok prob because of the physical exercise, good! but had a bit of trouble getting to sleep, thinking about THAT PERSON again of course.

what ate at me last night was this:  she technically threw the first stone by UNFRIENDING ME. sending the clear message she didnt want to be friends anymore. we went to that event, i met her and things were SO awkward, THEN she unfriended me and stopped talking to me at work even though we sat 2 rows apart. wtf???? smh hahahaha.

unfriended me without any verbal explanation i should add. just boom unfriended.

she unfriended me BEFORE i left the job; BEFORE i wrote her the email saying “YES I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU”. she didnt even WAIT for me to unambiguously CONFIRM my feelings before unfriending me, in other words.

this possibly gives insight into her confused mind hahahaha. meaning, she thought, he’s acting SO WEIRD, he’s acting like he LIKES me, like he wants me to be his gurlfran, i can’t take it, its SO WEIRD, i wish he’d JUST STOP and get over this phase already, but he’s not getting any better, i cant take any more, i cant be friends with him if he keeps doing this, and he keeps doing it, so, time to unfriend.

when just 2 weeks prior i wrote her an email begging her to communicate more so we could work on our friendship, i didnt want this to be the end without working on it. i wish she had responded to THAT rather than just unfriending me!!!

so the insight was: i had pushed her to her limit by being SO WEIRD. I tried to get inside her mind:

he’s acting SO WEIRD, like he’s in luv with me or something. that sucks, i wish he wasnt!

maybe its a phase, maybe he’ll get over it automatically in a little while.

oh no he hasnt, this has been going on for months, he just gets worse and worse, he always wants to hang out, i dont WANT to hang out with him if he’s acting so weird and LIKES me! thats not FAIR that he LIKES me! he didnt seem to like me before!! what changed?

well rather than talk to him about it, or respond to that email he sent, i’m just gonna keep avoiding him entirely, unfriend him, and he’s the bad guy for getting these feelings whenever he did. it started getting real bad early 2015. why talk about it ? theres nothing to say. i would say, i dont want you to have feelings for me, please STOP. STOP.  and he’s not stopping. so unfriending is the only way out.

so then I (ME) felt a rush of Self Blame again, like its all my fault.

but it also reaffirmed me that i should NOT contact her, i mean the balls in her court if she wants (and she doesnt!!!) and she rejected ME. she saw my luv and said STOP and she unfriended ME. i already apoligized and begged 1000000 times leading up to that; you think MORE begging and apoligizing is gonna help?

is gonna make her change her MIND? her mind was made up long ago. she didnt want my feeelings, she found them WEIRD, because she didnt have any feelings towards me at all.

however when she had Just Friends feelings towards me, that was kinda intoxicating, cuz she was so nice and tender to me, and I missed getting that from a woman. even if they werent real loving feelings. there was still a tenderness to the friendship feels that you cant get from a man. well maybe you can. like my male work buddy who i felt a good emo connection with. i should hang out with HIM, but he is buys working overtime at that horrible place!!!! plus i would ask him how is SHE doing, cuz he SEES her every day. and i would be unhappy with the answer no matter what: oh she’s a really cool person, we hang out with her now because she’s so cool, you should get over your feelings and just appreciate her as a cool person to be friends with; ORRRRRR i dunno shes kinda shady, she seems to be dating 10 guys at work hhahahahaha and is really cliquey and twofaced and plays people off each other. bad vibes.

SEE? either one would be bad.

also it would be easier to hang out with HIM once i get a new job…..which is taking a LONG time already. fooooook.

ANYWAY i wish she had the EMPATHY to say, yeah i dont like him liking me, it makes him act weird, i wish he would stop……………….but this is just how people act when they like you, its not his fault, thats probably why he wants to hang out every 2 weeks, he probably wants to talk about this, see that email he sent about wanting to communicate. maybe i should just give him the chance to say what he wants to say, if he has feelings, he is prob in a vulnerable state and WONT TAKE WELL TO BEING ANGRILY THROWN AWAY LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, that would probably DEVASTATE him! so the decent thing to do would be to say IM SORRY, WE HAD a good friendship, but you seem to LIKE me, and I cant do that, so lets peacefully detach. consciously and peacefully uncouple hahahaha.

but noooooo she was like UGH how DARE he get FEELINGS, I bet he was trying to TRICK me from the very beginning 2 years ago, why wont he STOP, he’s the bad guy, he’s a piece of shit, so i’m gonna throw him away like a piece of shit right now! the end.

not a good way for her to handle it! i wish she had handled it like above.

anyway i was just reflecting/OBSESSING/RUMINATING on the timeframe of when exactly she unfriended me. it was after the Awkward Event, but BEFORE I officially TOLD her of my feelings in the email, BEFORE i left the job.

i also thought of why men like asian women, because they are nice, polite, not a huge annoying obnoxious bitch. but im sure the asian women go NUTS once you marry them. either way i am not really into asians and i much prefer women of my own race, but i was thinking how That Person had some of the Positive Qualities men usually look for in Asian Women because supposedly White Women do not have them any more: being nice and polite and pleasant and not obnoxious and chill and not arguing all the time, well behaved basically hahahaha. pleasant to be around and spend time with. showing you warmth and love and appreciation rather than busting your balls all the time and being disloyal as fookin mercenaries.

these are not inherently asian woman things! white women used to be like this! and THAT PERSON was once like that to me! she was a good friend and i liked her style of friendship, with that warmth and shit, it only made SENSE that i wanted to keep THAT going as part of a more intimate rel. i needed those eggs. she gave me a taste of what she was capable of, and i said YESSSSS thats good i really like that, i want more!

so its MY FAULT because I MADE HER FEEL WEIRD. damn.

well she ddnt have to feel WEIRD. how she feels is on her, unless i am specifically setting out to DO HARM to her and make her feel bad. i wasnt. i just got feelings. i showed her the feelings. she thought that was WEIRD. she could say, awww, he has feelings for me now. that sucks for him, but it’s NOT NECESSARILY WEIRD. welp i guess the right thing to do is tell him sorry i dont have feelings for you, i want to let you down easily.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

however the Emotionally Immature person finds it easy to assign BLAME when they are feeling weird. well i feel weird because they are BEING WEIRD.

I wasnt BEING WEIRD, I was just having feelings. FEELINGS ARENT WEIRD. they are natural. people have been getting feelings for each other for thousands of years.

its UNFORTUNATE when someone gets one sided feelings. UNFORTUNATE, but NOT WEIRD. she thought it was WEIRD. had she been more Emotionally INtelligent, she would have said…..thats not necess WEIRD, its UNFORTUNATE, because he’s gonna be disappointed, and I have to have a hard talk with him and try to let him down easy.

well she had a lot on her plate and was overwhelmed.

but never forget: SHE UNFRIENDED ME FIRST. SHE WOULD RATHER UNFRIEND ME THAN HAVE A TALK.

I often forget this fact. When this was about the clearest signal she sent me. this was the clearest communication she gave me.

so this is all the more reason NOT to contact her!

Also the idea that she FELT pushed, more than i was ACTUALLY pushing her.

Like I made sure to decelerate and only ask her to hang out once a week, but she still felt that i WANTED something FROM her, and that made her feel psuhed and pressured. well, it WAS true that i WANTED something from her, but i didnt want to or try to PRESSURE her. I just wanted to talk like damn adults about this new want on my end. i knew full well she might not be able to acomodate that want! ie me having feeligns.

i didnt want to be tricky or deceptive or dsingenuous. and i dont think i was.

i didnt WANT to be WEIRD, but i think i WAS kinda weird. not because the FEELINGS were weird, but when you have feelings and never talk about the elephant in the room……..when you dont talk about elephants in rooms, things get weird!!!!!!!

so whose responsibility is it to say WE NEED TO TALK?

probably mine, because i have the feelings. i’m the one feeling uncomfortable by the elephant.

but SHE was clearly uncomfortable by the elephant too!

but i wanted to maintain the rel, she did not, at that point there was no benefit to HER to talk about the elephant, she didnt care, she jsut wanted to be done.

and that hurts. i wish she had had more consideration to me, that that was gonna hurt me and she would thus handle it in a nicer way. is that too much to ask? was i SO WEIRD i canceled THAT out? i mean i wasnt ENTITLED to anything, but thats just what Nice People Do when they have to Reject a person in that way.

i mean how do girls learn that lesson. probably from their mothers. HOPEFULLY with the input of their fathers. well she doesnt have a father to say “be nice to the poor guy.” and her mother probably said “your feelings are the most important thing. if he is making you feel weird then FOOK THAT CREEP, dump him and never look back, you dont OWE HIM ANYTHING.”

but I met the mother, i sorta got along with her, and i was hoping she would then fight for me a little bit, inasmuch as to say, ya know, he’s not a bad guy, he just likes you, PLEASE think about his feelings and let him down easily, just TALK to him.

so i dont really know how her mother advised her here. it could have gone either way. i am sure the mother has flat out turned her back when dumping men. but mother has a big problem with dating badboiz, and probably dated a few abusers and or deadbeats who really didnt DESERVE nicer than a shitty mean cold dumping.

ITS HAPPENING! the top story on drudge report and probably many us outlets, cnn.com at least, is mizzou president resigns due to WHITE PRIVILEGE. this is a huge big well known university. and its right in my wheelhouse of universities being bastions of Cultural Marxism. well the top guy at the U lost his job because of Cultural Marxism. i dont even know what happened. something like a black football played was targeted by a prankster writing racist words in Faeces on the wall?

well i have no sympathy for univ presidents makeing 300k a year in a combination of public money and cvm guzzling students taking out 50k a year in loans and then have to pay off a an additional 200k in interest on top of their 200k principal; but yeah the opposition is talking about white privilege and internalized Systems Of Oppression in the very first paragraph of their statement.

and supposedly there are tensions between white and blacks at the univ?

RACE WAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

send them more white gurls to bang, maybe then they will calm down hahahaha. export more white gurls to mizzou. they dont have enough white 18 yo pussy hahahahahahaha. i mean you have to be banging a new 18 yo white gurl every NIGHT in order to be peaceful and not start riots hahahahahahahaha oh i LOVE being a racist!!!!!!!!

http://www.breitbart.com/sports/2015/11/09/university-of-missouri-system-president-resigns-amid-criticism-of-handling-of-racial-issues/

a more rightish perspective

meanwhile here is the left perspective, by dave (((ZIRIN))) at the (((NATION))) hahahahahaha that means echoing as in the merchant minute

http://www.thenation.com/article/3-lessons-from-university-of-missouri-president-tim-wolfes-resignation/

hahaha really im just jelly of black football players banging tons of 18 yo white girls, i am just butthurt, just like the white pencildick who vandalized the black guys room or whatever. wawawawawawaw i just wish i could et a 18 yo white gurl to make out with me, meanwhile theyre throwing themselves at you, big black bull. probably because you are more manly and exciting and interesting and sexy!

nothing on fox news channel, but all over cnn tv channel. well yeah this is a Big Victory for the Left, and FNC is more Centrist than Left, pretends to be right, appeals to Weak COnservatives, Cuckservatives, and Neocons hahahaha. I am politically savvy hahahahaha.

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/11/coliving/414531/#article-comments

Dorms for Grownups: A Solution for Lonely Millennials?

hehehehe this is for smart successful millennials who can get tech development jobz, now they can live in dorms and work 100 hours a week but at least be around other people in their age group, rather than friendless virgins. it only works for friendless virgins who are able to get Good and Cool jobs with these Tech Companies hahaha.

Socially Inept Virgins, but have Good Jobs.

i mean if having a good job / money isnt enough to get you friends and pvssy, neither will a dorm with your nerdy male virgin autist coworkers.

“but theyre not making that much money!”

broke down and looked at some pornography for the first time in like 4 weeks. watched a cute young innocent looking girl getting banged. she looked liek a normal cute youngish girl as opposed to a porno slut. like an average amateur cute gurl you see everywhere at skool, work, bar, gym hahahaha. but not church really. these cute gurls are out there. cute gurls are NOT so RARE.

and then of course i was liek damn i wishi could do that with THAT PERSON and her making little O noises and such. so it became very conflicted. so i have no desire to watch porno anytime soon. maybe go another few weeks.

a black graduate student going on a hunger strike and saying das racis can cause the highest “employee” of a university to lose his job. hehehe i should get a black graduate student to hunger strike for THAT PERSON to take me back hahahahahaha and also get me a stress free 15DAHJ hahahaha.

i finished my voice recordings of muh job interview file. it is 20 abotu 20 minute mp3s now. it is 400 minutes of ME TALKING. it is OVER 6 HOURS OF ME TALKING.

that should be good enough to get me a job right.

So I was weird! couldnt you see WHY i was being weird!!!??? You KNEW i liked you! couldnt you see how and why that was making me weird? why did you have to react so negatively to it??!?!?!! you didnt have to be MEAN! you could just say AW IM SORRY but i CANT! not get MAD at me for it! god damn!

now youre gonna go down to Mizzou and make sure those feetzball players are WELL taken care of eh hahahahahaha cuz us white boys are huge pussy faggots who dont know how to be a man.

i wish i had sent her 20 20 minute files, 400 minutes of me talking about my feelings for her and what i wanted from her (not for her to have feelings for me, that would be nice, but i cant ASK that of someone; but i CAN ask them to be nice to me and not heartless to me!!!!! )

she was heartless because i was weird and that made her contemptuous and annoyed and not like me anymore.

was i weird? yes a LITTLE but not that much.

why was i weird? because i had feelings for her and i wasnt able to hang out with her and talk about them.

why? because she didnt want to hang out because i was WEIRD and not fun anymore.

see at this point going down the rabbit hole of why just gives you a stupid vicious circle, chicken and egg.

she wouldnt hang out because i was weird, i was weird because she wouldn’t hang out.

really it was the elephant in the room which made me weird.

i should have blurted it out the second i felt myself getting weird.

i dont think her mind would have been changed though. if she wanted to Date me, she’d certainly want to talk about it, and would have agree to hang out with me any of the 10 times i asked her.

so i can be CONFIDENT (hahahaha) in the FACT that she NEVER had Feelings for me, and that i just scared her off. nope, she simply NEVER had feelings. she should have been nicer and more understanding though.

do women really understand how different it is for men and women to Get Sex or a Rel?

do women REALLY THINK its just as easy for men as it is for women?

that all men can get a woman as easily as a woman can get a man?

this is so stupid and wrong and all men know it!

but it honestly seems like women simply cannot put themselves in a mans shoes and SEE THE TRUTH!

its less about empathy and putting yourself in anothers shoes, but just opening your eyes and seeing the truth right in front of you! open your eyes and see all the lonely men, or the single men, or the men with the shittiest women!

just want women to appreciate how hard it is for a man to get a woman. and how easy it is for a woman to get a man, and to understand that THIS IS THE WAY NATURE MADE US, and to appreciate that by NOT GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE. LIKE THEY WERE A MAN, with NO reproductive costs. just drop a load and disappear into the night. WOMEN JUST CANT DO THAT, yet they ACT like they CAN!!!!!! its stupid and wrong and …. OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know obscenity when i see it! and thats it! blatantly shitting on the way nature made you, spitting in gods face if you will, going against the entire natural order. i hate female promiscuity more than Conservatives Hate Gays hahahahahahaha.

and in fact so should the conservatives, because its a much bigger problem!

muuuucccccchhhhhhh! affects their own wives and daughters!

5 percent of people are homosexual, but like 50% of women are Too Promiscuous!

Female Promiscuity is TEN TIMES A BIGGER MORAL PROBLEM than homosecsuality!

BABY WITH A GUN!!!!

Yeah #MillennialWoes have a skype conversation with me on that. or better yet just do one yourself hahahahaha.

no i luv woesy, i would like to visit scotland and then visit him one day.

i thought women are always cold all the time, then why do they always wear sleeveless things to show off their fatceps and “bingo wings” hahahahahaha hopefully with horrible lena dunhamesque tattoos on them hahahaha

i am jsut butthurt that no women like me and my main source of female luv is gone long gone. which is what she was! that is a big deal! i mean it helps men to have the TENDER MERCIES of a nonrelative woman!

heh. i just want a damn impartial judge to say that SHE was wrong, SHE was the bad person, SHE ruined it. i need ot be right. i FEEL wronged!!!!! i FEEL i was treated unfairly. but i know my feelings can be WRONG.

well at least me and her had something good for SOME period of time, however brief. we had an honestly beautiful friendship for about one year. because it took about one year to get to that point. i dont make friends QUICKLY. if they are still around after one year, thats a good sign. then i can start being REAL friends with them.

anyway my story of first time at planet fatness. if i can do it, you can do it.

i had my list of worries above.

i prepared for the worst, ie bring as little as possible into the club, prepare not to use a locker. locked wallet in the car, brought in only keys, id card, music player, and phone.

scanned id card at front desk. they said nothign about billing info. i stood about 10 feet away from the front desk and pretended to look at phone, really checking out the layout and where i should go next. obv wanted a treadmill. treadmill is the WHOLE REASON i signed up. i spied a good treadmill. not a lot of people there on sunday evening. went right to the treadmill and got it started. played around with the buttons. really tried to observe my surroundings without looking like i was looking at anybody.

an asian girl got on tread mill 2 to my left. this made me feel less like a monster and made me reflect on asian girls being nice and tender hahahahaha. in the row in front of me there was a 40 year old black woman and 2 men in their 20s.

one of the men i recognized, i saw him about 2 years ago at my previous job. he was an “older” college student who was very emotional and hysterical and had arguments with his mom on his phone even though he was 30. he was feebly trying to turn his life around but it wasnt working and certainly he was very depressed and low self esteem and almost certainly a 30 year old virgin. i empathized with him greatly. he is my target demographic. i should have approached him and sold my Despair Buddy and Anxiety Buddy and Relationship Buddy  Unlicensed Therapist Buddy Services!

but he was doing well, he had signed up for planet fatness before i did! but he is also fatter than me. but he is also much taller than me. i mean if he lost weight he could pull some 25 year old woman. not that he was super fat, just a little chubby, and he was a good height, maybe about 6 feet, i wish i was that tall!

i spied on peoples mph. he was at 3.2 so i said i have to do 3.3 at least hahahaha.

most girls who went on soon began jogging at 5 mph. oh great i said. there was a young man jogging at 6 mph for quite a long time. i was pressured and gymtimidated into jogging at 5 mph for a few minutes here and there.

most people when they were walking did no less than 3 mph. i would prefer to do 2.8, i am not a fast walker! on my normal walks i go about 2.8 but then you would look like a loser here.

there was a 45 year old woman not in greatest of shape going at a brisk 3.5 mph clip steadily!

i played with the machine settings and had to restart it a couple times, wiping out my time and calories burned and all that and distance.

i basically tried to keep it no lower than 3. it was weird trying to compete wiht the peopel around me. i was in the back row meaning they couldnt see me and my mph. i never saw a girl go faster than 5 mph. i saw one guy going 8 or 9 mph. jeez.

i tried to read the signs and look at the people and look at the machines and the layout, without looking like i was looking at anything. i tried to listen to millennial woes but i couldnt really focus on him, too novel of a setting. listened to some music, listened to the same MW over and over again. i saw more than a few attractive young women. i dont understand why they wear SKIN TIGHT stuff. if you dont want creepy old virgin loser men staring at your ass, dont wear SKIN TIGHT pants and be 20 years old hahahahahahahahaha. you can just wear NOT skin tight shorts or pants. I was! wearing NOT skin tight shorts and shirt.

i wore shorts and a long sleeve t shirt for some reason. the shorts were fine. i wore long sleeve t shirt cuz i get cold easily and not sure how warm it would be in there. it was warm enough for shorts and a short sleeved tshirt.

there was a little cup area in the treadmill where i could put my keys and phone and id card.

near the end of my visit i lost my id card and thankfully they put it in lost and found at the front desk. they asked me my name, i told them, they gave me card.

i dont want to lose that every single time!

i went to the mens room and there was  a locker room in there too, and about 3 shower stalls. the locks, you had to Bring Your Own locks.

see i can see myself losing that darn card! and i dont want to do that.

i was there for about 2 hours and 15 minutes. got maybe 6 miles of walking in, maybe more, since i was walking a lot faster than normal.

i just stayed on the treadmill. next time i might try elliptical so i dont look like a weirdo.

there were some “LUNKHEADS” using the weight machines. i really didnt care, i was not intimidated by them. i was just sad cuz its them who wins in the competition for those cute young 25 year old gurls. but at least me being there is a step towards me improving myself.

there was a huge fan right above the treadmill area so i always got a nice breeze.

pros: the treadmill was fun, it was an interesting experience

cons: i had to walk a little faster than i liked just not to look like the biggest failure there.

you are supposed to wipe the machines after each use. i watched people do this and attempted to mimic them. i went to the wipe station, got a thing of paper towel, then squirted it with solution or alcohol or whatever the stuff in the spray bottle was, then took the damp paper towel to the machine. i guess i could take the spray bottle to the machine as well. point is it wasnt hard.

this is how anxious and low confidence i get, I DOUBT MY ABILITY TO WIPE OFF THE DAMN MACHINE, OOO ITS SO COMPLICATED IM GONNA MESS IT UP, AND LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

so i conquered that fear by wiping the machine successfully.

i figured it would all be a learning experience and it was.

next time i will wear a t shirt; i will bring a water bottle; i might try to use a locker; i will try not to lose the id card.

i didnt bring a water bottle. i figured just use the water fountain. and that i did. they had a refrigerator with bottled water but i didnt know if you had to pay for it. i left my money in the car. i am thankful to have a car and money.

i saw at least 4 or 5 attractive 20s women. who probably give it up to guys in under 1 month of meeting them hahaha.

more comforting, i saw plenty of chubby 20s men.

and i saw my 30 year old virgin Despair Buddy. I really should have said something to him. good for him that he is trying to lose weight. not that he NEEDS to lose a lot of weight, he’s not UGLY, he should be able to pull a 25 year old qt right NOW, but hes too anxious and beta. plus of course he is balding hahahahaha. but i bet the tender mercies of a NICE 25 year old woman would totally TRANSFORM him. just like it would TRANSFORM me hahaha.

so yeah i can see going back there semi regularly and AUTISTICALLY using the treadmill with that other pathetic autist feelsy balding virgin hahahaha.

well way i see it, better to be a chubby balding virgin trying to lose weight on the treadmill at planet fatness, than a chubby balding virgin crying at home in parents basement neeting it up hahahaha.