I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND U CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF

apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong…..you are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings…..you can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Reply2
Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Reply5
Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:

2016-04-13_19h06_48

If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.

I NEVER SAID “IM INSANELY IN LUV WITH YOU, LETS GET MARRIED, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!”

I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.

END

yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalvarez/kk-bb#.cjZmLvbvp

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/ironic-misogyny-is-a-very-dangerous-game#.xcWJwPrPV

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

https://blogs.office.com/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-email/#8Lfd5AleLEqHDxEH.97

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.

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HELLO WORLD: GURLCODER LADYBOSS HAS 1/8th THE KNOWLEDGE OF A STREETSH1TTER H1B STINKING UP THE OFFICE WITH CURRY MICROWAVE, CURRY FARTZ, and CURRY B.O.

mar 25

and indians are high on the list of my favorite nonwhite races. I just never had the dubious “privilege” of working with h1b indians in a tech office. i hear its horrible hahahaha. my experience is limited to christian indians at church and they are very nice hahaha.

shit. just feel unable to do any job. projecting confidence when you have NONE because you dont know what you are doing, and getting help is Frowned Upon. Figure It Out Yourself and Stop Wasting My Time. And Figure It Out Quickly, time is money. maybe you’re not a good fit here. maybe you’d do better at a 9 DAHJ. not quite ready for the 15DAH Grown Up League Prime Time Are Ya? how old are you again? Shit we have level 3’s making 20 DAH who are younger than you!

http://www.fastcompany.com/3058251/the-future-of-work/why-learning-to-code-wont-save-your-job

this is what i’ve been saying. ANYONE can learn to write a compsci 101 first day of class hello world program, and then pat themselves on the back for being a 15 year old gurl who’s well on her way to a powerful career as a ladyboss gurlcoder. when the fact is, it takes years of grueling, obsessive, autistic training and study and struggle to become a Real Coder, to Think like a coder, to gain the Coders Mindset, and to write actually valuable programs that companies will pay you for. All the Streetshitter H1B’s have at least bachelor of compsci degrees if not masters, do you? can you outcode them? now I hear that good american coders consider the h1bs to be generally shitty coders, but I would still think the h1b’s are better coders than some 20 year old gurl going to a 2 week code camp. i took like 4 full courses dedicated wholly to coding  and i still dont know shit. you have to learn how to Think Algorithmically.

do you know how to use pointers and polymorphism? if that sounds like Gibberish, congratulations. that’s about one-eighth the knowledge of a standard streetshitter h1b getting paid 15 DAH to code and stink up the office with Fish Curry in the Microwave and Curry Farts and Curry BO hahahaha.

wow this magazine (fastcompany) is discouraging hahaha. makes you question why you want to get a degree and work a stupid office job.

when you see the higher ups go into a meeting and stay there for an hour and you think, why can’t I ever have meetings? I want authoritative advice and knowledge! Train us! Train us! Help Us! and Those lucky bastards get to sit in a meeting for 45 minutes and not answer phones with Trick Questions like I do! this is like them going to Class and Learning the material, while I just take the Test all day that I am unprepared for!

well, hopefully you’ve identified at least one level 2 who is nicer than the rest, who doesn’t treat you like an idiot. Funny that these nice level 2’s might be viewed as dumber by the more arrogant level 2’s. doesnt matter. anyway. hit up your friendly level 2 and say, what was that meeting about, can you share with me any of the Training Decks or PDF’s or powerpoints that they had during the meeting. Just email them to me or better yet, show me some stuff on the Company Shared Drive, the one that has 100000000000 folders and 1000000000000000000000000000 subfolders and buried in there is some useful stuff, lots of old stuff, and its hard to tell the difference between useful and nonuseful stuff because you just don’t know whats right and whats wrong, what’s smart and whats dumb. NOTHING makes sense. so you don’t know whats SUPPOSED to make sense, and whats NOT supposed to make sense.

anyway. it sucks knowing that HER life is BETTER without me, and my life is much WORSE without her. she was a HUGE positive in my life. I was just an annoying negative that she wanted to cut out, like a cancerous tumor or a newly conceived human baby life.  just get rid of it.

actions speak much louder than words,  BUT we should also  take into account that you can get NERVOUS and this might make it seem like you dont like somebody, when in fact you really like them. hehehe. or people undergoing stress which makes them angrier or low energy or distracted, and you have to believe them when they say, sorry if i seem bitchy , i’m stressed out, but I still like you.

but STILL. they should give you some FACE TIME, some hang out time. how about 1 hour a week hahahaha in between their family and their stressful career where you are being to solve more and more weird problems, do more with less, know everything, walk on water.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/reading-my-date-0

like here. her date might have just been NERVOUS on a first date. the only way to clear up ambiguity between words and actions is to talk to them and hopefully they bring their actions in line with their words.  dont dump a guy because you think he doesnt like you but in fact hes just NERVOUS. havent you ever gotten nervous?

so you like him but then you dump him and then he calls you and says, hey i like you too, i was just NERVOUS! damn! give me another chance! if you like me! and then she says sorry, don’t like you anymore, your chance is over, you blew it, i found a new guy i like who isnt nervous and he fooks me great! all in the span of 2 weeks or less. fooking degenerate children hahahaha.

ok now i am overreacting. there are decent women out there. i am simply taking the worst aspects of HER and building a fantasy nightmare woman that doesnt really exist. and saying that all women are like this horrible demon that isnt even real, but made up of the worst elements of her, worst elements of some other women, and shit that angry hateful mgtows and Red Pill guys say on the internet.

this guy is all about the black pill, there was a rumor he did the college shooting in oregon but he didnt, it was that mulatto hahaha. but this guy eggman is a real hit with the ladies. i guess in this video he says some good stuff though. i wont listen to it though becuase it will probably be discouraging hahaha

http://www.radixjournal.com/journal/2015/10/6/the-black-pill

well at least he is gainfully employed and has a nice car hahahahahahahahahaha

but he is a fat bitter woman hating cigarette smoker and he has to become a hyperborean ubermensch before he can pull a 6/10 hahahaha

but he works 90 hours a week! for 10 DAH!

hes leaving r9k

anyway i guess he seems like a good guy. i think he eventually got an ugly gf hahaha.

http://www.radixjournal.com/podcast/2015/9/23/the-rakes-progress

richard spencer has an actual talking talk with f roger devlin, the mysterious phd famous for his red pilled and brilliant writings on Women

really devlin should make videos for neets and omegas on how to game women hahahahahaha

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/07/23/decivilizing-human-nature-unleashed/

hehehe heartiste writes very favorably of devlin of coursh

http://nypost.com/2016/03/23/potheads-may-get-high-but-their-prospects-in-life-go-way-down/

anyway i hope that eggman guy does alright, i can kinda relate to him.

but yeah. its not surprising that men who have utterly failed with women and always get dumped….are gonna be angry and bitter towards women.

but if you get obsessed about women and read game and mgtow and mra and theredpill stuff all day, and porno, uhhh this will only make you hate women more. you kinda need to do Intentional Ignorance. which is hard to do for Truthseekers and red pill types! but its best to IGNORE the truth about women until you stop hating women so damn much. and then be a strong leader of the women in your life, so they dont leave you for not being a strong leader hahaha.

mar 26

basically, the True Nature of women is so awful that unless you are an alpha male….you WILL hate women. Cuz they just are NATURALLY horrible, until society can get them under control again, with strong husbands and fathers and shaming. not going so far as mudslims, but back to the good old days of white patriarchy where fathers told their daughters dont be a whore. hell no you’re not going away to college to be a whore. you want to date a guy? i have to approve of every guy you date. bring them to me while I clean my gunz threateningly, say you bring my daughter home a minute after 9 pm, I am cutting your balls off. you call me SIR, boy.

no burkas, nothing like that, nothing like barefoot and pregnant. but the women will grow to LIKE being mothers, and will LIKE being a Helpmeet to their Man. They will GLADLY bring him a sandwich without even being asked. They respect and appreciate him.

I UNDERSTAND and GET hypergamy. But I don’t know why hypergamy has to be coupled with such Emotional Violence and Bitchiness. DONT ADD INSULT TO INJURY. I will accept the injury but I wont accept the INSULT. Be NICE to me when you dump me for a Better Man. Treat Betas and Omegas like Human Beings with feelings and hearts. And don’t be huuuuuuge fooking whores.

you can be hypergamous, but don’t be a huge whore or a huge bitch. period.

so, its womens NATURE to be huge insulting bitches and whores? so we must use “nurture” to contain and limit women’s nature?

i dunno i hate to think that womens nature is HORRIBLE. because i dont like thinking that nature should be run out with a pitchfork. thats how you cause problems! by DENYING human nature.

well not everything about human nature is GOOD. for example, our proclivity to eat too much. we do need to learn to control and disclipline ourselves, and women have been Brainwashed by the Media and Culture that Self Control is BAD.

Self control is NOT bad, it’s GREAT. its VERY GOOD.

google how to be stoic

how to be tough

how to be emotionally tough

can you fix something without knowing the cause? probably. But I get frustrated and nervous and obsessive when I dont know the cause.

like with muh job. we would have articles on supposedly how to fix things. or rather what to do. If I were writing the articles, I would have a simple list of steps along with a simple script to say while you do them. then at the bottom I would have a section For Future Reference on WHAT CAUSES the problem, and WHY you do each of the steps you do. Why does this happen, and why do these things fix it, and how can you prevent it.

the articles were just confusing as fook. they were long and complex and they didnt really EXPLAIN anything. they had steps of shit to do, but those steps were written in a confusing bloated manner.

you needed to make your own manual for the manual.

you needed to always read between the lines and try to think what is this REALLY saying. and the level 2’s would TALK to you in the same way.

STOP DANCING AROUND SHIT AND JUST TELL ME STRAIGHT UP. IT IS IN OUR COMPANY’S BEST INTEREST TO RESOLVE SHIT QUICKLY. TIME IS MONEY.

So in terms of time being money, yeah I didnt understand why everything had to be so OBTUSE. shit being OBTUSE costs time and money.

now I can understand not training people. because then phones are ringing while people are sitting in a training session not answering phones.

i was watching “the profit” with this bald gay guy on cnbc and he was actually pretty good. he tries to save struggling businesses. takes a look at all aspects of the business, the management, the finances, the operations, the costs, revenue, margins, training. then he invests a ton of money in it and becomes a very active partner.

like this burger restaurant where he was like these burgers are mediocre, not worth $7 for this shit; your meat and cheese are mediocre and frozen; you drove out your best chef because the management and owners are huge micromanaging assholes; the place is a total mess.

but it raised questions for me. like yeah the place is a mess because it would cost a shitload of money to rent a dumpster and clean out the alley. the floor is filthy because it would cost a shitload of money to move everything out of the kitchen and restaurant and scrub the floor until it sparkles. and would it be worth that expense? does it make you more money if the floor under the freezer is clean? the business is already losing like 5 grand  a month. most of the money was going towards food costs. they were somehow spending TOO MUCH money on that shitty frozen freezer beef. now mr hardcore MBA comes in and wants to spend MORE money on food?

but i did like how he said hey stop micromanaging and being bitches to one of your best employees the chef, you drove him away once, now treat him good because he is valuable to this place.

waaawaaaaa i was never VALUABLE to an employer, always easily replaced.

I was never VALUABLE to a woman, always easily replaced hahahahahaha.

aren’t I valuable?

of coursh not, you have to MAKE YOURSELF VALUABLE!!!!!!!

Yeah well I thought I was valuable to her on SOME level.

I was at the fatclub burning 1000 calories when I saw a young woman who used to work at our workplace. who knows if she still works there. but she was working there when I left. it was weird to see someone who SEES HER EVERY DAY. I wonder if they talk, if they are friends now, if she texted her saying guess who I saw….etc etc etc.

Now I barely talked to this woman and I pretended like I didnt see her. But she was right in front of me and I think she might have seen me!!! But women are GREAT at not noticing people, or at least acting like they don’t notice people. but who knows how much they ACTUALLY notice. since i am paranoid and hate women, i think they notice EVERYTHING so as to use it against you, when they appear like they dont notice you at all.

how can a White Human Being be so horrible?

I’ve noticed a lot of Blacks in MGTOW. Like at least 40% of harcore MGTOW youtube channels are Black American Men. I wonder if this makes MGTOW men more likely to side with black men, because they are men, rather than white women. to find sex more important than race in other words.

anyway its hard to know What Is Women. Are they what TheRedPill says they are, the worst horrible pieces of shit? they sure aren’t perfect princesses. So I think we need a Purple Pill for Women, in that I think the Red Pill view of women goes TOO FAR. Women can’t be THAT bad, can they? I hope not.

Heh. it sucks to doubt your own judgment THIS much. you need to be confident that what you’re doing is right. once you start doubting, then you lose confidence that ANY of your Important Decisions are Correct. Also had this at the job. becuase you had no confidence in your knowledge, you doubted your sense of judgment. YEP i can make 60 decisions an hour, but I’ll never know if they were the right decision! you want to go through and check them? of course you dont have time for that. if you had time for that, you’d have time to train people better so they WOULD know stuff and have Good Judgment.

So What Are Women?

That Sex At Dawn Phaggot actually had ONE good point in that we are now in a state of “Sexual OBESITY”, in that anything and everything is freely available, so we (alpha males and women, not “we” at all really haha) GORGE like GLUTTONS at the feast. Same way since Hearty Food is SO freely available, we GORGE on food FAR beyond our daily needs, and become no self control fat fooks. this is natural given our UNNATURAL ENVIRONMENT. But can an environment ever be unnatural? i dunno, but it can DEFINITELY be UNHEALTHY and BAD. And I guess its human nature to adapt to our environment, good or bad.

Rick MOranis’s hiatus from acting was influenced by his wifes death from cancer and his decision to focus on his children. very honorable. unfortunately he is a J. I guess I shouldnt be surprised by that. but he is a J  I kinda like. I wish he were White because he seems very principled and moral and good and honorable.

well, i have a tendency to IDEALIZE people I like, and to Anti-Idealize/Demonize people I DONT Like. meaning, make them better or worse than they really are. all in my MIND.

anyway basically people having TOO MUCH FREEDOM and in that they can be enslaved by their Desires and Appetites and Id. Betas to Porn, Fatties to Food, and Women to Alpha Carousel during their 20s.

but these are unhealthy SUBSETS of larger groups that are NOT INHERENTLY UNHEALTHY.

hehehe see all the mental gymnastics you have to do to prove to yourself that women aren’t inherently shitty hahaha? why not just accept the red pill then?

because i cant. i cant accept that all women are shitty horrible bitches and whores. i dont want to live in that kind of world.

anyway yeah its weird to see a person who i KNOW saw HER that same DAY. TODAY. yesterday. very recently. I cant get her to respond to me, to say anything to me, she just ends a Significant Longterm Rel by Total Blocking, and then this other woman sees her every DAY. well maybe one of them left the company. I will never know. I certainly didnt talk to this other woman. Like I said I only talked to her maybe all of 1 minute. she seemed very bitchy and slutty as well. had an attractive young body combined with some pretty slutty tattoos. of course that job will make you bitchy. it made me bitchy! and others too. it made everyone more bitchy.  doesnt mean you can’t have an actual friendly meeting outside of work though. nights and weekends baby.

like I see this person, and I know this person JUST SAW THAT PERSON. Well, not if one of them left the job. maybe That Person found a better job and now makes 17 DAH hahahah and is after even more alpha men. but shes an idiot with terrible judgment, who picks awful men, and who has no understanding of what she does. how can she make good decisions and judgment on the job?

it just goes to show you didnt need to be smart or sharp. you just had to go through motions and be unflusterable. get good at saying theres nothing we can do, it is what it is, sorry, is there anything else i can help you with. you didnt HAVE To try to figure stuff out. you just make sure you say this and that and play the game and Hit Your Metrics. she was good at that but horrible at actually understanding things at a deep level. that was where I was starting to get good, by becoming obsessive and a maniac, unsustainably so.  i was PRETTY good at my metrics too. what im saying was i was a better smarter more valuable employee than her. but i was much more flusterable. emotionally unstable. yep i was more emotionally unstable than a damn WOMAN. that does not bode well for the cofidence.

it was like we were playing a game of CHICKEN and SHE won.

we were competing against each other and she won. she Bested me. she outperformed me. she was TOUGHER than me.

But yeah I just cant trust my own judgment on women. and reading anything on the internet sucks. people debate and debate what women really are. and of course women dont know.

yeah its just frustrating. that they are like half the worlds population and you DONT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. a weird alien living among you. or not because you dont know any anymore.

i saw a person who probably saw HER, yesterday.

it would be different if i were actually on speaking terms with them!

cuz then I would be very tempted to ask, know anything about HER!

i mean i had seen another person from the workplace, this time a man, a few months ago, at the gym. he was kinda a douchebag and i avoided him. i had nothing to say to him. i wonder if SHE is friends with either of these people now. or with the young man I was friends with there. He was a great guy but back then he didnt talk to HER at all. wonder if they talk now. maybe he could tell her hey it might be a good idea to talk to ME. cuz he was the only person i actually TOLD about all this.

haha maybe she and him fooked. i dont think he would sell me out like that, but i dont really talk to him anymore. she of course i dont trust at all. she would totally sell me out like that.

really i thought i could trust her, but i clearly couldn’t. i trusted her not to block me like a stalker. cuz  wasnt damn stalking her. i was just upset she was dumping me by completely ignoring me. this would upset any man. or woman. especially a woman. if a man did this to a woman, the woman would go APESHIT. a LOT worse than i did.

well i am entitled to my feelings as long as i dont violently Aggress against another person. non aggression principle. prime directive. if anything i wish she cared more about my fee fees.

but yeah. i wonder if that girl talks to her, if she told that girl about me, and when that girl saw me, she pretended not to see me, and then told HER that she saw me. are they friends? do they hang out? what did she tell her about ME? that i was a creepy, unstable, bipolar CRAZY PSYCHO. only psychos quit jobs. dont even bother getting my side of the story. crazy psychos dont have valid sides of stories. their stories are crazy and psycho and wrong.

mar 27

is there a website with sample Critical Thinking Puzzles and Problems that you can do? Simulations? choose the next step kind of thing? in a way it was like we were working on Story Problems all day. Complicated, in depth problems where we felt Out Of Our Depth.

went to easter vigil mass yesterday and it was 2 and a half hours long. i thought you could either go to three and a half of these in a row, or go to one day of WORK. sitting in church is a MUCH better idea. because you just sit there and Praise GOD, rather than try to figure out weird problems all day and feel PUT ON THE SPOT all day.

also there was some nice music and singing as part of the mass. i thought well, they HAD to have practiced or rehearsed for this. you know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you listen to a person sing way out of tune, or a musician totally botch the performance. its like, didn’t you even practice this? it sounds like you didnt even practice this. like you just came in here and youre doing it for the first time. how could you think you could get away with that? you obviously suck!

think of a school band that is given a piece of music to play but they’ve never practiced it before or seen it before, but told to try to play it all together. and it sounds like a total cacaphony. many instruments playing the shit wrong.

well imagine you are the whole band, trying to play multiple pieces of music, and what your client hears is this amateur hour bullshit. that does not give them confidence and it sure as hell does not give YOU confidence.

and then every 20 minutes you get another complex piece of music youve never seen before. to perform for an audience which is judging you on your competence.

not sure exactly when i started studying regularly after work. i should have been doing it the whole time. I think it was around january 2015. i had already been there like 8 months. or 7. and only then did i start getting obsessive. now by then my confidence was getting eaten away by new issues and also the situation with HER was going nowhere and getting worse. that prob influenced me more to try to exert more control over my job, because i had no control on what was going on with HER.

it wasnt just that she treated ME as worthless, its that she treated our REL as worthless. thats hard to explain. it was like she didnt care that we once had an important thing, that was important to her too, which she enjoyed being a part of. for years. you wonder, was it ever important? was that whole thing in my crazy mind only? i know it wasnt, but I dont appreciate her treating it like it was.

the level of Problem Solving and COmmunication and Technical training I’m looking for, like stuff that would actually HELP me with my job, is probably so high level that you can’t expect to find it for FREE on the internet. but rather PAY hundreds of dollars for proprietary bullshit.

like my best training was studying the internal company websites, cases, knowledge base, intranet, that you of course had to log into. its not freely available on the Open Internet.

yeah for a while i thought she might be THE ONE. muh soulmate. the person I was gonna spend the rest of muh life with. a person i could get married to, have chirren with. i mean it was serious shit. i hardly even GET ALONG with a woman THAT well, and i had NEVER fallen in Real Luv with one of these rare women before. so i figured that was a sign. This Is The One.

when you get weird computer errors, you think jeez i wish i had someone who knew what they were doing who can help me with this, cuz this shit makes no sense. so then you call a tech support Genius…….who knows NO MORE than you do. does THAT make any sense? and i was that guy.

moreover, how does the AVERAGE person deal with this kind of confusion on the job, handling problems that are really too complicated for their level of training and intelligence, and there is nothing on the internet to help the average employee with these common on the job problems? there arent millions of people like me looking for help with their confusion and nervousness?

i get my travel bug on by “visiting” places through google maps and earth. yesterday i took a “trip” in krakow. looks like a real nice place.

i wonder if the people in BELARUS are any good. you could probably find a great white wife there!!!! everybody forgets belarus is even a country!!!!!!

problem solving tests for employment google

brain games for adults

http://multitasking.labinthewild.org/multitasking/

practice multitasking tests every day to get better at multitasking

i am slightly below average in multitasking speed, so i do multitasking exercises in my spare time to increase my multitasking to ABOVE average! as of now, I am in the TOP 25% of multitaskers!

because if youre NOT, that means you dont deserve a 15 DAH job. so how come everyone you know and all 30000 people you went to college with make more than 15DAH? hahahaha

that woman wanted to stop being my friend because i didnt make enough money for my age. she at around age 25 was making the same money i was making at age 30+. now she is making WAY more, cuz i am making NOTHING.

google how to LIE to people

http://www.wikihow.com/Lie

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Boyfriend-the-Truth-About-How-You-Feel-After-Months-of-Lying

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Overly-Sensitive-Boyfriend-to-Dump-You

hahahahahaha

QUOTE

You’ve gotten involved with a guy who’s used to being babied, a guy who seems to become devastated over the littlest thing. You don’t want to be around him anymore, but you’re scared that if you break up with him, he’ll sob hysterically, beg you not to, and refuse to take “no” for an answer. Worse yet, even if you do manage to break things off, he might keep begging and become more pitiful than ever. One way to get around that is to get him to break up with you. That way, he’ll feel it was a decision he made, and he won’t keep imploring you to take him back.

END

http://lifehacker.com/5951066/how-to-lie-without-actually-telling-a-lie

its more like being creative and coming up with plausible STORIES for something, so you can have a bullshit explanation to go with saying “no” to them. it really doesnt matter what you say as long as it sounds believable. and never are you going to get called out on it. you just don’t put your stupid story in the case notes. you just note “informed caller this could not be done / issue could not be fixed / fix for problem is not available / must start over again. void the transaction”

http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-lie-to-authority-figures/

http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Your-Addiction-to-a-Person

QUOTE

4

Take note of your communication and interaction styles. In addictive relationships, the pair is usually unable to discuss risky issues and often glaze over certain topics with half-truths. If you notice that you and your partner rarely have truly intimate conversations relating to your personal fears or dreams, you may be in an addictive relationship.[6]

  • Healthy relationships involve intimacy in which conversations go below the surface into areas you would normally not share with the public. These attachments also include give and take from both partners as well as mutual benefit from the attachment.[7]
  • Unhealthy and codependent relationships generally stay above the surface and have few fulfilling conversations. Maybe you are always pretending to be cheerful around the other person, but, inside, you feel sad or confused. You may only ever feel relaxed and happy when the other person is feeling this way. You fear what would happen if you told your lover or friend how you really feel.[8]

END

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201005/top-ten-secrets-effective-liars

never forget the big picture of why you are lying: to save TIME and MONEY for your company and ADD VALUE, thus justifying them spending money on YOU. you are saving them more money by resolving lots of issues quickly and getting people off the phone, than they are paying you.

why keep somebody on the phone for something your department is not willing or able to fix?

cuz you might say, well they’ll just CALL BACK when the shit breaks AGAIN and your bandaid fix fell off. the bandaid fell off and they want a new one, or a more permanent fix, or a brand new piece of equipment.

i dunno. it doesnt matter. just get them off the phone as quickly as possible so you can take the next call and get them off the phone as quickly as possible. that is how you solve technical problems. by misdirecting and getting the person off the phone as soon as possible, and at best, doing a bandaid fix that is done with all the confidence and elegance of a grade school band trying to play a fooking beethoven symphony.

of special olympians at their first synchronized swimming practice.

http://cbsg.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/live

the corporate bullshit generator making nonsense but grammatically correct sentences out of corporate bullshit and buzzwords. NOICE!!!!!!

  • The business leaders secure our measure; nevertheless the Chief IT Strategy Catalyst interactively prioritizes a collaborative delivery framework.

that kind of stuff. meaningless mba masterbation.

 

EVERYONE GETS TREATED UNFAIRLY

830

started getting some horribly unhealthy, immoral, illegal thoughts last night regarding the pain and agony and suffering and anger and dissapointment and possibly hatred!

and i thought i was getting over it or at least starting to! whats the deal with these horrible thoughts! i mean they were terrible, the type of thing that makes you wonder, are you a bad evil person, even to THINK thoughts like this is evil! and then it shows even decent human beings, which i try to be, can be capable of great evil. well who knows if i would be CAPABLE of it. however it looks like i am capable of thinking of it!

the priest was talking about luv in his homily today, said that even though he was CELIBATE that he had known the pain of luv back in the day, hopefully not with a little boy hahahahaha.

anyway he said with luv, we never say “thats enough.” it flows from within eternally and ceaselessly like GODS love for us. we could not make GOD stop loving us. so if we decide that our love for a person has a limit, like we say, yep thats enough, i dont want to love them any more than this, or they say to us, thats enough, i dont want to be luved that much, then, according to the priest who has a PhD in Theology, and i would agree with him, that “that relationship is in jeopardy.”

basically i luved my female friend, she said THATS ENOUGH, and then our rel was in serious jeopardy.

it would have been much better “karma” to just talk about it though.

i mean she said NO to me in the WORST POSSIBLE WAY.

theres a good way and a bad way to reject a person. the good way is, its not you its me, its over now, im so sorry. the bad way is to just disappear without saying a word. well add that to the list of experiences.

so yeah i am angry at her because there are a MILLION better ways to reject someone, and she did the worst possible way.

also i am scared because as an MRA/MGTOW i am very cautious of women doing a 180 in the blink of an eye. one moment she is The Good Wife; the next she is gone, kidnapped your children, getting a No Fault Divorce, and taking Half Your Income for Life.

so as a good MRA, you look for Warning Signs and Tells and thoroughly vet the woman for signs of Personality Disorders, Mania, Borderline, Narcissism, Sociopath, Psychopath, Bipolar, etc.

and i did all that and she checked out and i TRUSTED her! she was one of the LEAST crazy women i had ever known!

and then to have her do a 180, do something i thought she would never think of doing to me, told me, i never knew her, my vetting process was wrong, i missed some kind of warning sign. OR MAYBE you cant even trust a woman that appears to be trustworthy.

i mean most women exclude themselves as trustworthy right off the bat. its not necessarily a bad thing, doesnt make them bad people, but makes them bad people to get into a rel with. like your dog is not a bad evil creature, but you wouldnt TRUST your dog not to eat a steak sitting out.

so i had no desire to get into a rel with most women cuz i could tell they couldnt be trusted. her, i was already in a KIND of rel with, i DID trust her, and then she drops a bomb on me like i am The Enemy.

when one person is begging the other please please please im sorry sorry sorry and they say GO AWAY!!!!

well she was obviously tired of my begging and constant apologizing.

heh i remember the time when i was actually saying sorry sorry sorry to her because we were having an awkward conversation at work, which i attributed to yet another stressful confusing day for me, and she said GO AWAY. LEAVE. that shocked me. that was a precursor to this.

i was hoping she would apologize for that. but of course i cam crawling back saying IM SORRY to make you mad at me. jeezum crow. and she never apologized. to her i was 100% at fault. i was the bad guy. i deserved this.

which is why i wanted her to talk to other people, they might give her a different perspective. OR they could just tell her he’s bad news, he doesnt deserve a conversation, he is a psycho weirdo, run away now.

so basically i was always apologizing and she was always angry at me. it was clear who held ALL the power. damn.

how could she be so heartless hahahaha what is that a kanye west song, what a degenerate.

and before that she was a kind and compassionate person. i didnt think she was capable of being so cold and heartless and really just BLIND to the situation. i didn’t think she was seeing it correctly. i wasnt trying to make her angry, i was trying to TALK to her.

i dunno i thought she would recognize her own role in this. i certainly did. i was apologizing more than i should have!!! but i certainly did have a role in it. but she was blameless and played no role. but i think she did. she could have met me halfway and said ok lets talk already. rather than avoiding communication. avoiding communication is her middle name.

so yeah i thought she was more Emotionally Mature than that. i mean shit i thought a person gains Emotional Maturity through the course of a 5 year relationship which she had with her first boifran. yet i never dated a gurl for more than 3 months and i have more Emotional Maturity than her!

honestly she seemed kinda RETARDED when it came to Relationships.

But arent MOST women, honestly?

of course they are!

I just thought she was DIFFERENT.

but yeah women are the ones who are always getting into Relationships, and have so many Emotions, you think they’d be better In Touch with their Emotions, with Relationships, Emotionally and Socially Intelligent. Well fook no, that’s INTELLIGENCE, that’s what MEN are and what women are absolutely NOT. Men are many times more Emotionally and Socially INTELLIGENT than women, even if women are more emotional and social than men. doesnt mean they are smart or mature about it. thats why there is always social and emotional DRAMA with women. they cant HANDLE the shit.

i wanted to HANDLE it like a mature adult. of COURSE she couldnt HANDLE handling it like that.

ok maybe not ALL women are like that, but i thought she was one of those women who was not like that! and she turned out to be just as stupid and ridiculous and awful and shitty as every other shitty woman i’ve met!

its just stupid when they get into relationships, even super long term relationships, when they are not CAPABLE of doing so. they make the man do all the damn WORK and take all the damn responsibility. always a one way street with these bitches. that’s not an actual relationship! its master and slave bullshit! or maybe more like parent and baby. well that was the warning sign, she did not have a good rel with her father. i was just happy that did not make her a huge slut. i was so happy she was not a huge slut, i did not think there were any other ways for her to be horribly disappointing. i was wrong as always hahahahaha.

i think she would have tried to communicate if she were also in luv with me. she didnt make the guys she was in actual rels with do ALL the heavy lifting. oh she PRESENTED herself to THEM!

but i committed the CARDINAL SIN of breaking out of the rigid box she had put me in. i just just supposed to be the platonic friend, and when i stopped being that, i was the bad guy, and didnt deserve to be treated like a human, didnt deserve to be communicated with.

she didnt HAVE to react that way. she could have chose to communicate. she could have chose to realize that people change. she could have accepted my many invitations to talk about the tension that we BOTH noticed.

but yeah she USED to have sympathy/empathy for me and have some sort of regard for me. she cared about me somewhat. then she didnt care for me at all.

imagine if you are with your wife and you are just as in luv with her as ever, but she is bored with you and more interested in other guys cuz she just fell OUT of luv with you. its nobodys FAULT, its nothing you DID.

you think was it because i was BORING? because she didnt KNOW any other guys, and when she started meeting other guys, she reailzed how BORING i was?

like yep, nothing you could have done except be a more exciting, secsy person, to keep me from falling OUT of luv with you!

well, she never was IN luv with me. but she was at least friendly and nice and warm to me, and to have that disappear was painful. now i was no longer interesting and neat and fun, and other guys were. yet i hadnt really changed. well i guess i had. i was super stressed out by the ridiculous job, jealous of her because she wasnt as stressed out, and because she was nicer to other guys than to me. but thats her right. to stop liking me and start liking other people more. well what these feminist faggots dont realize is, this is very very painful to watch.

wah wah wah i was not treated fairly.

so i want HER to know that i feel i was not treated fairly? to communicate to her unequivocally “you wronged me?” or at least “i feel you did not treat me fairly?”

well i kinda said that, in a nicer way, in email4. bbbbut that was never read!

yeah i kinda DID/DO want to tell her i dont think you treated me fairly, show me some god damn respect please.

of course im not gonna do anything stupid after she has made her feelings clear!

but yeah people have been DOING EACH OTHER WRONG FOREVER. Its nothing NEW. its INEVITABLE. I just hadnt been done this wrong in a long, long, long time, and it was fooking DEVASTATING.

EVERYBODY GETS TREATED UNFAIRLY. and most times the person doing the unfair treatment never comes back and apologizes.

i am angry at her, and she is angry at me. we are both convinced that the other is More At Fault.

i apologized a million times. i apologized basically every time i saw her. i was open and willing and desperate and warm.

she apologized i dunno maybe once and not convincingly. she was closed and unwilling and cold.

having a back and forth conversation would be more FAIR i think.

i would say, “i dont think its FAIRIRIRIRIRIRIR wahahahahawahawhwwhwhhawaawaawwaw”

and she would say, YOUR the one being UNFAIR always being WEIRD to me and wanting to HANG OUT when i clearly dont want to, any normal person would back off, would stay away, but not you, you just kept being pushy and weird in an annoying weak wimpy way.

and i would say yeah i should have just blurted it out, but i feel you are dissing the importance and meaning of our past friendship

and she would say well YOU threw it all away once you started acting weird, it was over then

and i would say well i didnt REALIZE it was over, i was TRYING to FIX IT

and she would say, it couldnt BE fixed, couldnt you realize THAT

and i would say, well i thought you might want to fix it, i wanted to fix it, this is what adults do when they have a problem, they talk about it, even argue about it

and then we would have a big argument and i would feel RIGHTEOUS in hating her and in KNOWING that she was in the wrong and i was right!

but instead im having that simulated conversation in my imagination, long after the fact, and i will never know what she “would have” said.

i would say ok its fine if you dont like me back. but lets handle this like adults. or even mature teenagers. or people that dont want to hate each other in the future. this can be handled better. how would dr phil handle this. how would jeff van vonderen handle this.

we would each Say Our Piece/Peace, respond to each other, and then Agree To Disagree.

DESPERATION MAKES YOU DO WEIRD THINGS / EVERYTHING IS DISCOURAGING

aug 6

semi new point. the reason the woman was so cold to me, so offended and angry and hurt by me, was that i was Making Her Feel Weird, Weirding Her Out, by Being a Weird Creeper. that is a reasonable explanation. and I know you cannot apply logic to this situation, but this explanation kinda works, because I probably was doing that to her. Because True Love makes you do crazy weird things. this is exaclty how and why people get jealous and become stalkers etc. EVERYBODY does it. its what you DO about it that counts.

well quitting the job is pretty psycho but stalking and doing bad things to her would be 1000000000000 times more psycho, so.

so when women get Weirded Out by Creeper Guys, they quite understandably shut down, run away, try to ignore you completely.

quite understandably, a lot of the weird guys are further pushed by this, to get ever wierder. double down if you will. keep pushing forward. exactly what i did.

i was just hoping and thinking that our past rather long history of closeness and niceness would help her see me more than some Random Weirdo She Just Met, a Stranger if you will. because i wasnt’ a stranger. she knew me well enough to know that I am not a Bad Weird Guy.

But thats the rub, is everybody can reach the edge, where they do weird things: because of stress, anxiety, or Luv. and boy did i!

i didn’t think i was being too weird. i wasn’t all like I LOVE YOU or whatever. yeah i was pushy about wanting to hang out and talk, and i made new kinds of statements like “you are very important to me” and “you mean a lot to me” and “i care about you a lot” and “i hope we can become closer in 2015” and “i appreciate you more and more” and “your my favorite person hahaha lol” and “i will stop bugging you to hang out if you can promise me we’ll hang out next month, i know this is a bad time for you, but i honestly miss you a lot” so yeah i was giving some major hints, and also being pushy, desperate, and weird. but i think i could have been a LOT weirder. also it sucks when somebody blows you off for months and months, when you used to hang out in the past. so that you end up saying desperate things like “i hate bugging you so much but please try to promise me we’ll hang out next month and then i wont bug you at all this month.”  of course what is the person supposed to say to that? but it sucks that you are so desperate that you have to say it in the first place.

desperation makes you do weird things.

so when you are desperately begging to hang out next month please, then it’s time to write your tell all email or voice mail or blurt it out. by that time you probably a have a Raft of Drafts of things you want to tell her. so just fooking tell her already, rip the bandaid off, get it over with already.

thats one good thing, is the sense that ITS OVER. ITS DONE. that chapter is closed, a new lonely miserable jobless loveless chapter has begun. but at least you no longer have that false hope to cling to. you have nothing. except the things that REALLY matter, like your family.

so yeah that is the likely reason she was SO COLD and heartless to me, when she was never a heartless person before. its just because i was THAT weird. I didn’t think i was THAT weird, but she did, and thats all that matters, and i guess she is entitled to her feelings hahahaha.

but thats also why i wanted to talk and communicate so much, so that i could explain why, given my situation, these things werent all that weird. it was just growing tension of an unresolved situation. that finally boiled over quite dramatically.

it is discouraging though to think you could meet the Perfect Person, and maybe they COULD have feelings for you someday…..but just not right now, because the TIMING is wrong. you are ready to go right now, they are not, it might take them 3 months, 6 months, a year, or never. what do you do in those situations?

because in the past, she was so super nice to me that i thought she might like me. but i will never know if she actually did! i should have asked her directly at that time. well i did ask about it in my please respond email hahahaha that she will never respond to, because i am too weird, and the email was weird too.  i dunno i dont think the email was too weird given the situation. i just wanted to put it all out there and be like here’s the full truth. really went all in there. and was that a smart move, to go all in, rather than half in? who knows. maybe i can go half in later hahahahaha no i should really just stay away from her. which is why my gut feeling is NOT to go back to the job. job was making me sick and she would make me even sicker.

but yeah i am bit resentful that she could not look deep enough, remember our years of getting along nicely, and see that I was the same decent human being, but that i was just going through some stuff, and that was making me a little bit weird, so lets please talk about this, get it out in the open, so it doesnt boil over and destroy everything. which of course is exactly what happened.  i just think talking about it before it got out of control would have been better karma, more mature, more healthy, would have kept things from getting this bad for me at least. for her its all the same, she doesnt care one way or the other, i am dead to her and she never thinks about me, like i still think about her all the damn time weeks later. foooooooook me. GOD have mercy on my soul.

i mean i think the obsession will wane in time, but it will take a long time, AND i truly have to stay away from her, like no more emails, which I am suprrisingly confident i can do, believe it or not!

but that has to be all or nothing. i cant like email her 3 months for now and put in a small bet, hay hows it going, sorry about all the drama, want to try to be friends again, maybe hang out and catch up. because the feelings will really never go away. they never do. i mean i could go back 10 years and possibly start again white wedding with some of those women.

however it would be different obviously if she took the initiative and came crawling back to me lol. in that case i would respond to her. it would really depend on her tone and position. i migh meet up with her once and be like yeah i developed feelings and even though the drama is simmered down now, i will always have some feelings for you, so being just friends and watching you date and have casual sex with other guys is just not gonna be possible, so keep that in mind, so do you think there is any chance with you and me, if so, lets give it a shot, lifes too short lol. if not, well lets wish each other well, if you want to try dating in a year then contact me, or ever really, i’ll probably be willing to start again for the next oh 5 to 10 years. just dont call if you have any bastard kids with badboys, or after you’ve taken more than 10 additional cox from now, taken a good hard ride on the coq carousel.

sissy ass white knights say the coq carousel is a misogynistic myth, and i dont like to be a woman hater, but i can verify it is NOT a myth, god have mercy on us. i wish it WERE a myth. it is insanely heartbreaking when a once good gurl decided to take a spin on it. they are changed permanently. ruined. it is SO sad to see that happen to a good woman. i honestly cant handle that pain.

ok called my dr as instructed. worried about making the phone call for 20 minutes. that was amazing. with all this crazy shit going on i was worried about making a PHONE CALL. and my horrible JOB was i used to be on the PHONE ALL DAY.

its like you never make real progress. you can be on the phone 40 hours a week yet STILL get nervous about making a damn phone call. its like you’ve gone nowhere, made no progress, have not improved or developed at all over the years, even with lots of phone experience. that is very discouraging. everything is very discouraging. life is discouraging hahahahaha.

it is amazing that you can be touching your loved one and you get such a good feeling out of it…..and they feel nothing, or revulsion. i say this because of one time i was sitting next to my beloved woman on the ground “indian-legged” style and my leg was touching her leg for like a full 10 seconds, which was kind of my intent hahahaha, and i was like oh it feels so good to be touching her even just a little bit, and later realized that she was probably “this is awful, i cant wait until he stops touching me.”

and if its that bad with just your damn knees touching, imagine how bad it is when you get more physical. your dick up in the gurl and you think oh god this is the best experience ever, i will never forget this, i am in total luv with this gurl and i want to get married and make babies with her and be married to her for 70 years, and she is thinking oh god this is HORRIBLE, we are never having secs again, he is gross, he is so awkward, this is the worst thing ever, never again, he has no idea how to do this, i want a real man not an omega male, a man who KNOWS how to fook and please a woman, etc etc etc.

so yeah just a complete disconnection, no connection whatsoever, between two people who appear to be physically close. that is also very discouraging and a bit horrifying. like the cok carousel is horrifying. cuz though the cok carousel kills womens ability to connect long term and luv a man, there is no doubt that for those several minutes of being fooked by alphas, they feel something deep, they enjoy it, that is the closest they will get to True Luv. is 10 minutes being fooked by an alpha. i mean sure that is very sad that they willhave trouble developing long term love and probably be terrible wives and mothers.