shit. well if im gonna hate women i migth as well go all in and try to get it out of my system. its not liek i am gonna go be violent or abusive. i might have casual sex with a willing woman however and then refuse to date her monogamously hahahahahaha hey its her uterus, im not the one who can get preggers, she can always get an abortion hahahahahaha

god damn. having somethign good and then losing it. we didnt have the entirety of what i wanted, but we did have a good friendship, and it hurts a lot “just” to lose THAT. i cant believe it doesnt hurt her too.

i am not angry at her, well i wasnt till very recently, and she was angry at me.

thats a tough situation, when one person is angry. and the not angry person is begging and supplicating the angry person for mercy. stupid.

what did i do? cheat on her and now im in the “doghouse” and have to beg for mercy?

no, i was a friend who got feelings.

well whats better, when they Allow You to Still Be Graced by their presence even after youve got feelings?

well i argue theres a happy medium of they can say something or respond somehow to the feelings.

but she did respond to the feelings, nonverbally.

fooking women and their nonverbal bullshit. so stupid.

verbalizing shit makes people hate you less.

nonverbalizing it makes them hate you more and causes more hate and grief and drama in the world.

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

very simple. even WOMEN could understand THAT verbalization!!!!!!!!

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

just for good measure.

well i had the good karma and she had the fooking shitty ass karma.

men are good karma.

women are bad karma hahahahaha.

men are dogs, women are cats.

thats why women have all these stupid cats and are obsessed with their god damn EVIL SOCIOPATH cats, because women are evil sociopaths.

GOD FORBID i ever become such an EVIL SOCIOPATH.

shit i EXPECTED this sort of bullshit out of average normal degenerate dumb women but NOT HER. i thought we was different. she WAS different at one time. then she changed.

i changed, she changed.

i changed from liking her to like liking her, she changed from liking me to hating me. i think that was a bit out of proportion.  and she changed from good to evil hahahaha.


i did not know this awful person she became.

i never thought she could do something so cold to me. i trusted her and i thought she thought more of me As A Living Human Being than that. Regardless of how Fight Or Flight, or Avoidance oriented she is.

well, i guess that is not irrelevant. you can still care about a person, but treat them like you dont care at all, because of Avoidance????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i dunno.

also, when you BLOCK somebody, it means you are ANGRY at them.

but does it?

it can also mean you are AVOIDING them.

i cant even say if shes angry at me or not! all i can say is that she is AVOIDING me!


well i said in all the emails that “my door is always open”. but she prob didnt read these emails. the most beautiful emails ever written, the most beautiful thing ever verbalized from one person to another in all of human history. because women dont like writing, talking, or verbalizing. god damn stupid bitches! how can you hate VERBALIZING!



hehehe might be time for another 2.8 miler. you see why i do those.

but yeah i….. could not be cool enough to do the Pretend Like I Dont Like Her Gambit to try to Win Her Back. that just feels like a bad idea on gut level.

unless i had cooled off to the point where i didnt like her any more.

cuz its terrible to meet them again after a few months, still want them more than ever, all the feelings come back, they might get guilted into having secs with you because, then your hopes get even higher, feels get even higher, but deep down, they are still cold against you and dont have feelings for you at all.

learned that from woman2004 and woman2005a! in both cases i tried to “get back with them” and it of course backfired in just that way.

really dont want to repeat THAT mistake!

and i never did. course i had never been that close to a woman from 2006 to like 2015!


you can know a woman for 2 years and have less of a connection with her, than guys she met 2 HOURS ago. un fooking believable how gullible and stupid and self destructive women are. its amazing they even exist. maybe they should be locked up like handmaids tale brood mares and have men control their Reproduction, becuase they obviously make the SHITTIEST REPRODUCTIVE DECISIONS!!!!!


they are not INTELLIGENT enough to handle the RESPONSIBILITY that they are BORN WITH!

how does THAT happen?

shitty degenerate culture, no father figures, public skools, tv, media, horrible friends, i know i know.

so on some “metrics” i am Getting Better, but in terms of beign OBSESSED with how could she do this, i cant believe this could happen, i am just as bad as ever.

she did this because she is just avoiding the situation, and nothing i can do can make her STOP avoiding the situation. serenity to accept the things i cant control.

and even if i could control her responding to me, i couldnt MAKE her like me.

heh. ok might need to do another 2.8er here, go for the 8.4 day today.

ok did a 2.2 er but will do another 2.8er later.

shit. you cant MAKE somebody stop avoiding you.

i liked her because she was not CRAZY the way so many women are CRAZY.

but then she went and was CRAZY TO ME and me alone.

holy shit i will never luv another person again.

well thats not true, i luv all the poor lazy losers out there.

but loving a woman in that special, long term, monogamous, baby making way?


DIED OF A BROKEN HEART it will say on my tombstone. hahahaha. no jk i wont DIE but muh life will never be the same.

but maybe thats GOOD!!!!

well its good in some ways. i GUESS its good to be out of that horrible job envronment. its GOOD to be DISABUSED of the DELUSION that there is a Living Relationship between me and THAT WOMAN.

it is good that i am Exercising moar. i think 8.4 miles a day is gonna be absolutely mandatory.

so lets say you are at planet fatness in the winter fighting for a treadmill between all the fat single mom hambeasts and the fat stinking arabs hahahahaha, and you have to go to the bathroom. or you because you have to walkjog for a full 150 minutes 7 days a week in order to lose 1 pound per month, you just want to go to the bathroom or rest for a few minutes because normally you would break this up, into 3 damn 50 minute sessions.

so is there some way you can save your treadmill for x minutes? would they let you rest for like 15 minutes and then come back? i was under the impression that everybody is fighting for a god damn treadmill after 4 or 5 pm.

anyway. it didnt have to be this way. woman2015 should take fookin NOTES from woman2012, who handled it a SHITLOAD better by writing one god damn email, which gave her untold great karma over woman2015. ONE EMAIL GOES SUCH A LONG WAY. it wasnt even a LONG email. it was like one decent paragraph. I wrote like 100 decent paragraphs in my series of emails to woman2015.

what did woman2012 say? exactly what you would expect: im sorry, i just dont have those feelings for you, youre still a great person, i dont want to hurt you, its been nice knowing you, sorry to let you down. and i responded saying thank you for being honest with me, that is so much better than what MOST WOMEN do, being lying bitches and spineless cowardly chickenshits hahahaha no i didnt say that. but i said thank you for treating me with the respect to give it to me directly.

and that was it. done. i wasnt JUMPING FOR JOY, but i was never super angry or hateful or bitter towards her. she handled it like a damn MAN hahahaha. verbalized it directly and unambiguously. of COURSE most women wouldnt do that. they just dont COMMUNICATE like that! well i wondered about her gender identity anyway, she was kind of mannish. asexual virgin lesbian or potential female to male transsexual hahahaha. not even really kidding. but she still had a nice body and A Kind Face hahahaha. Kind Eyes.

well so did woman2015!!!!!



Learning some Great Life Lessons thru the Beauty of Intimate Relationships With Women!

It really PAYS OFF to get CLOSE to people hahahaha.


no i am entering a blatantly angry phase right now. that is fine. no problem mon.

i cant believe that fooking cvnt, i trusted her, i LOVED her!!!!!!!!!! and she broke muh heart mercilessly, and it will remain broken and useless for like a damn year of my life! my precious time!!!!! why have we even evolved the capacity to LOVE??!?!?!

oh wait i know the answer of course. its a K-selected thing in colder climates, to encourage nuclear families, high investment parenting.

but our Culture, since the Rise Of Cultural Marxism, is ecnouraging r-selection over K-selection.

meaning, you have Broods Of Babbys like they do in the Bush and go for QUANTITY over QUALITY. while K selection is QUALITY over QUANTITY.

so have lots of secs, have lots of babbys, or lots of abortionz, whatever you want, if it feels good, do it, short term instant gratification, no consequences, no commitment.

bitcoin poker note: u get krill even if u FOLD immed & never bet! assuming theres rake. about .1 krill for .01 rake. need .40 pot, never happens at .01 table, much more at .02 tho. just sitting at the table gets u krill!!

(krill is the rewards/promotions system for Loyal Playerz like moi. But the trick is, you get barely any krill playing at the .01/.02 table, and WAY more krill playing at the .02/.04 table, because at that higher table, you get way more pots that are .40 and above! which is necessary for a rake, which is then necessary for krill. ANYWAY you dont even have to BET, you can get crap cards and fold them immediately, and if theres a rake, you will get krill!)

now, is krill REALLY important is another question.

ok i gotta go back out there. 2.8 miler ftw.

ok did that. didnt really get woman out of mind. thought about how i would never want anybody but her. that we would make The Perfect Couple. that i really should contact her in like 3 months.

but yeah. i would still have feelings, and she would probably have less feelings, and what happens when one person has less feelings and the other person has blatantly more? they dump you within 2 months.

unless its the woman who has more feelings. then that will continue as long as the man wants.

if the man has more feelings, it will continue as long as the woman wants. which will prob be 1 to 2 months, no more, becuase she will always have a Cast Of Suitors on Deck. makes you feel real special to be Auditioned among a Sea of So Many Applicants!

7.8 miles today. i got cut short a bit.

god damn. women are such fooking BULLSHIT. youre a moron if you DONT hate them!!!!!!!!

well im back to wanting a Harem of 90000 18 year old qts just to have secs with. fook this INTIMACY with WOMEN.

well let me make a point. I believe: THE MORE MONOGAMOUS, THE MORE INTIMATE, because you aren’t SHARING your intimacy with addditional people.

so ideal intimacy is inherently monogamous.

i say this to all the women who want to date 10000000 men and have all their sperm swimming around in their uteral gateway ie Dem Beef Curtainz they gleefully spread for the cameras and for the cox.

fooking PIGS. it used to be a very respectable thing to be a wife and mother. be a virgin gurl who married young and started having babbys young. it didnt mean there was abuse and beatings and raep and shit.

i just want a nice gurl who isnt a fooking disgusting degenerate pig! is that too much to ask!

of course it is hahahaha. and the recent woman was not a degen pig but she STILL treated me like crap. out of character no less. low odds. unbelievable.

so i would prefer a degen pig who treats me GOOD then?

well the crucial factor is that i LUV the woman. and its not likely i would LUV a degen pig. i already did, i thought that was a lesson learned then, that i got my pig screen working.

oh thats another thing.


it makes them even MORE crazy, makes them even MORE slutty, lowers their already low sense of screening, makes them have secs with ANYONE. makes them more prone to cheat, makes them hornier, makes them like a “bat with broken radar, bumping into everything and everyone” to quote MUH BOY Varg Vikernes.

I approve of his Traditional Life, Traditional Wife, Traditional Children, Traditional Homeschool and Homesteading Life.

of course i would side with a “Vile Racist Neo Nazi Anti Semite” right?


tbh yes lol heil hitler 1488.

that is bitches idea of verbal communication. everthing is sarcasm, or a stupid joke, or  misses the point, or its like youre talking to a wall, or an infant. they cant think in more than 2 sentences. thats why they like texting so much. verbal communication is not something they like or are good at.

and this is how they Build Sexual Relationships and Choose the men who will Father their children and fill up our world with even more degenerate Human Garbage!

what a world!

that was a saying i used a lot on an old blog, but it is more relevant now than ever!

bitches and whores.

put this in the top shelf book, this is a top 10% post hahahaha.

heh. was “supposed” to have some nyquil today but i totally forgot about it. now it is kinda late to take the nyquil cuz i like to take it around 6 or 7 at the latest.

so if texting is verbal communication, why do women like texting so much?

becuase it allows them to bring verbal communication DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL of shitty nonverbal communication. they take the verbal and ruin in and pervert it and make it into ambiguous, confusing nonsense. CHAOS REIGNS. anything to make chaos of out order, when MEN want to make ORDER OUT OF CHAOS.

no wonder men and women are natural enemies!

but Healthy people dont have such an ADVERSARIAL relationship with the opposite gender. its because i was raised with Traditional Gender Roles and Gender Pronouns and not ze, zir, zhe, and xyr.

any 18 year old will know i am not making this bullshit up.


but i am really not THAT good at bullshitting either. otherwise i could sell myself better to jobs and women and have more success in that department.

i can bullshit OK, SOMETIMES. but not super good, all the time.

some good, some of the time.

goddam bitches can suck mah dick, bitches.

yeah at this point, gotta do 8.4 miles every day.

praying to GOD a little bit just to get her out of my mind. this is ridiculous. this can never happen again. the crux was working together. if we didnt work together

  1. the tension would have not built to such a point, ie we would have been more likely to communicate, and not gotten so goddam weird and ridiculous with me seeing her every day
  2. i would be able to keep the job
  3. i could use the job to distract me, rather than be distracted FROM my job, to the peril of my work performance!!!!!

now i cant even remember the good times anymore, cuz it all ended in such SHIT. its like its two different PEOPLE.

the pain is UNBEARABLE and UNRELENTING and MERCILESS. how can you NOT be changed?

but thank GOD i guess i am doing a little better. it really doesnt feel like it though. thank GOD i have a home.

well she can go have a bunch of bastard trash kids and i will laugh bitterly because she could have know True Love rather than being Fooked like a Cvmdumpster Whore. but if she thinks i am gonna be CAPTAIN SAVE A HO after she’s whored it up for a few years, shes got another thing coming.

so its a red flag of an abuser when a man uses words like “bitches” and “whores” and “sluts”. bla bla bla. i dont really use these words when talking to women unless i am joking. or trying to test them to screen them for sluttiness, to make sure they disapprove of sluttish behavior. you do not want to have a monog longterm rel with a SLUT.

type of woman that give Blowjobs to Guys In Cars.

it is sad to think she might be going down that path. so sad to see a good woman TURN bad. it breaks your heart all over again!

bitches and whores. the ones that arent disgusting whores will break your heart 10 times WORSE. i dont think i oculd get my heart broken by a whore because i would never fall in LUV with a whore again! havent in at LEAST 6 years when i got some feelings for a whore, but i wouldnt quite call it full blown Luv. she continues to pile up the cox even as she gets older, uglier, closer to The Wall. good fookin riddance whore hahahaha.

i can just repeat the same bullshit over and over again, like i cant believe SHE would do this. i thought i KNEW her. i TRUSTED her not to do something so heartless. especially to me. i thought our friendship well it did not entitle me to secs or to romantic luv, but i beleive it DID entitle me to RESPECT and COMMUNICATION and a Seat At The Table To TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.  OH NO THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK. god damn.

maybe it is. maybe people can do whatever they want.

well then i reserve the right to have Muh Feelings Hurt when somebody HURTS me!!!!!!! shit.


oct 30 2014 thurs

day off

ok. gotta cut lawn, prob last time of year yikes. def getting autumnal out there.

then go for 1 hour powerwalk before it gets dark.

then bed by 7pm to get rest for hard day of work tomorrow.

well i am def getting better at muh job. handling things like a boss. figuring stuff out efficiently. being smart. not freaking out when they call in and just interrogating them and getting information dispassionately. but it has not been easy at all.

heh. be good to get this month of stress with woman9 over with already. can’t believe i let that stress happen with woman7 for like 2 or 3 years. NEVER AGAIN.

also going to stop buying candy and soda pop regularly. i feel that is making me pimply, making me generally unhealthy with its HFCS, and rotting muh teeth as well.

I will buy Throwback Mt Dew, but just over the past few weeks I’ve been seeing less and less of it. (real sugar.)

okay. did 1 load of laundry, got a second one in there, cut lawn, getting ready for a 1 hour powerwalk. before it gets dark at 6 pm hahahaha. when daylight savings time kicks in, it will get dark at 5 pm. oh noes.

invest in kazakhstan? cheap labor? no taxes? maybe i should, but isn’t that Textbook Globalization,, which I am against? well, not if it creates American Jobs, I guess, hehehe. Or makes me rich rather than poor.

yuuuup it will suck getting rejected but at least i will be able to get on with muh life sooner. quit my stupid job and move to north dakota, try to survive there for a year, if i don’t, come back home and beg for my old/current stupid job back.

or just pretend to look for a job, mooch off family, give them my savings, get into good shape, and bang 18 year old gurls like crazy.

ok. gotta get luandry, maybe use trimmer to trim stray hairs, go for 1 hour powerwalk, go to bed, quit complaining.

get a stupid silver or fluorescent green vest you can wear whilst powerwalking at night, so you don’t look like a hoodlum prowling around the neighborhood.

if concern about cleaning up hair is keeping you from trimming your beard or side hairs, conquer that concern by knowing that it is EASY to clean up hairs as such: just plug the sink and shave the hairs in the sink, then when you’re done, use a kleenex or paper towel to sweep the hairs out of the sink, and brush them into your cupped hand, and then throw the hair in the trash. if like 10 or even 20% of the hairs fall onto the floor, NO BIG DEAL, you can always vacuum them up later.

which is also why it’s good to have a little vacuum cleaner like a Shark or Dust Buster.

sh1t i lost a paragraph. it was about trimming the side hair using the wahl beard trimmer with the guard on level 3. this worked just nicely and indeed got some hair. not a lot. yet i was too hestitant to go to level 2, because then i would have to trim the whole beard to level 2 as well, and i want to grow a long beard again.

ok. i have this plan to develop An ALGORITHM for doing my job, squeezing it onto one sheet, then distributing it to the other people on my team, and I GUARANTEE that single sheet would be more helpful than ALL the training we have received from above. We receive barely any training, but are just thrown onto the job and expected to swim or sink, and the sinkers are laid off permanently. it is very nerve wracking because you just want to do your job well, but you have nowhere to turn to learn how to do the job well, you just have to kind of figure it out on your own. well i am going to put an end to that by Publishing and Distributing The Most Useful Tips. Some real Meta-Level stuff in there too, not just “read the manual.” read the manual, read the technical papers, read the emails. Emails are a substitute for actual meetings. we don’t have meetings. I would LOVE to have meetings for one f00kin hour a week just to talk to members of my team about Common Things, and seek Guidance and ADvice on How To Handle them, because Handling Them IS our entire job.

Well this might be giving too much away but oh well f00k it.

Woman 7 I used to work with and that was part of the reason I wasted 2 or 3 or 4 years on her, because I wanted one of us to leave the job before I made a Strong Move, because I thought I couldn’t handle continuing to WORK with her after she’d rejected me.

And the thing is, I also Work with Woman 9. I developed Feelz for her about 1 month ago, and in 2 days I am going to act on those feels and give her a blatant push so she can accept or reject me, so i can move on with my life quickly. But I also Work with her! How Am I gonna see her at WORK for like 20 hours a week (YES, I work 40 plus hours a week!!!!!!) after she rejects me without going crazy?!?!?!?! how am i gonna do my job which requires nerves of steel, and furious powers of concentration and Problem Solving?!?!?!?!

I don’t even CARE, it doesn’t MATTER, I’m gonna push ANYWAY.

Any this job is WAY more substantial than my previous job, which was the one I had with Woman 7. I really don’t want to lose my current job because of a Woman! becuase i am making halfway decent Middle Working Class OK Money for the first time in my life!

But I’m gonna push anyway, becuase I am THAT serious about not Wasting Years of Time and Simmering With Years of Regret. I am so determined to never let THAT happen again, that I will take the risk, that the Woman I Work With and have feels for, will reject me,and I will have to continue to see her every day. I’ll deal with the fall out then. As long as I don’t start drinking again I should be good, and I am VERY confident I wouldn’t start drinking again.


that is, I always thought it was all or nothing, immediately, regarding grills. I never thought I could know a gril for a while, think it would be nice if I could force myself to have feels for her, but that just feels too weird, then time passes, she gets a new boifran, and then suddenly BAM you have feels for her. i never had that happen to me in 30+ years, never thought it COULD happen, so if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyoen.

october 2 2014

got no time son. day off. thursday. this thing with mah female friend is getting complicated and weird as fook. two short months ago i had no “spark” for her and thought that sechs and making out would be weird and forced and not smart. the second i find out she has a new boifran, suddenly i am interested in her and can feel new types of feels developing. i have never had that happen in all my 30+ years, i didn’t think it could happen, i thought i was an all or nothing, all at once kind of guy, and that i would never develop any kind of spark for this woman.

but i developed a little! good news is i’m not in RAGING LUV with her so i will be able to survive and continue to see her. because i do see her on a very regular basis.

really my gameplan is just BE MASCULINE. maybe if she has trouble with the boifran and I am Just Being Masculine, she will become attracted to Moi.

busy day. got a friend getting married, I am in the WEdding Party, i have very few super close friends so I will not be in many WEdding Parties in muh life. but today i gotta be productive on muh day off, such that even something as simple as blogging or looking at my settlers village or sitting around drinking coffee and playing on internet is at a high cost, i gotta get moving soon, but i HAVE to write, i HAVE to poop, etc.

doing laundry right now. drinking coffee. waiting for poop. prob should take a shower because i should try this suit on i have to pick up and should be clean. fook i have to shave muh beard off too, should do that soon, before shower, to rinse off hairs.

umm….. 12:22 pm, slept till 11:30am.

but i was never flirtatious with muh female friend because i honestly didn’t want to be, didn’t develop these feels until very recently. so now she has the impression that i don’t like her in that way…..because at that time I didn’t.  so now i’m the bad guy for developing the feels late.

BUT she had the boifran for at least two months BEFORE I developed the feels, and I am pretty sure she had known the guy for at least a year before that, so it wasn’t some rando in other words.

well maybe we will all just die of ebola.

started reading “death of the west” by pat buchanan, looks pretty good, goes along well with “suicide of a superpower.”

ok. drink coffee. poop. shave beard. put laundry in dryer. take shower. go out to suit store, try on and get suit. go to grocery store and do weekly shopping. get gas for car. try to cut lawn. go to wedding rehearsal, then dinner, then get into bed ASAP for hellacious day of WERK tomorrow. that is the plan for the day.

mentally prepare wedding speech. mentally prepare to BE MASCULINE for female friend to try to make her see ME in a new light as i have come to see her in a new light. maybe i need to get with another grill for that to happen, just like it basically took her getting with a new guy for me to see her In A New Light. new spark.

also, she is afraid to tell me about this new guy, wonder why. it’s all over facebook, of course my facebook is secret. so the onus is on ME to drop a hint like “i do know about your new boifran, it’s ok to tell me.” and I can handle that. so i should drop that hint soon. just to get it out there and get things moving.

what else. tick tok. i do not like “ashleigh banfield” on cnn. i am not extremely fond of these Srs Female TV Journalists with Manjaws Lanternjaws and always wearing sleeveless tops. Even Fox News is the same way. pandering to Career Women too much.  go read “death of the west”, 60 years ago my thinking was not hateful or weird, it was Normal and Good. Thanks Pat!

ok gott do those task from 3 paragraphs above. gotta move. get going.

ok back. did laundry, shaved the beard, got the suit, did the groc shopping, now i just gotta cut lawn, go to rehearsal, go to dinner, go to bed.

big event for one of my old schoolest frands and also my life is going nowhere, but all i can think about is GRILLS, and now my female friend controversy is gradually turning into a nightmare. o god. i prefer not liking anybody at all. hope i can go back to that. liking grils is stupid and gay. because they never like you back and you can never make it work and they are always in luv with someone else or else you go out with them for 3 weeks, fall deeper in luv, and then they dump you, with no bangs to wean you off banging. sucks balls.

well at least i still have muh racism . that is a positive force in muh life that i can learn about and have fun with  and be passionate about. hehehehe. racism, far rightism, silver, powerwalking, it’s really not that bad ni994.

but i was thinking about telling her that i was slowly developing gradual feelz for her, and could she please put me in THE QUEUE, so that I can try Dating her after she gets done with this other guy. course then she will be older, less attractive, and moar sechsually jaded. oh well. life goes on!


july 9

damn man. just had first day of WORK. it was easy because we were not taking CALLS. but u better believe i am worried about the calls. we just sat there jerking off all day which was fine, wish we could do that every day, but CALLS are on the horizon. damn. the guy behind me was taking a TON of calls, more than I expected a person to take at this time of year.

rolling out a kinda new piece of software. and it is new to me too. yet it is my JOB to SUPPORT that software that I know nothing about hehehe. well, i know a LITTLE bit, but in many cases have LESS hours of experience in the software than the people who are calling me for HELP in it.

and that has really been the theme of muh job. giving tech support to people who know the software BETTER than I do! because they are supposed to know it, but they don’t, so they call tech support, who are supposed to be huge experts in it! well i got a surprise for ya, sometimes the tech support people are new as f00k, and newer than you! so we have to learn the stuff super fast, which is stressful.

since this is hard to do, often we fake it till we make it, and pretend to have great confidence in our “skills”, when we really have no clue what we’re doing!

and trying not to ask for help from our higher ups because that puts our job in jeopardy!

yet many people here have College Degrees and are drowning in Student Loan Debt and can’t afford to move out of their parents house. yet they have to settle for this job you don’t need a degree for. it makes me not feel like such a loser because then we’re all losers working here with our degrees.

and if there were somewhere we could make more money then we would go there. but unless you are a real hotshot you can’t. and EVERYONE needs a job, and by pure numberz bell curve, the majority of people are NOT hotshots!

so it was essential that i come home and walk a 4.8 mile powerwalk. i usually do 3.2 miles at a time, but time constraints made me do the whole thing at once. and it was real good, that final 1.6 miles was necessary to kind of take the edge off the stress. i.e, no 3.2 miles would not have been enough. 4.8 was necessary.

try to do it again tomorrow. do it erry day i work.

signed up for 3 days on, one day off, 2 days on, one day off. this might go over like a lead balloon but we had to turn in our schedule bids today and that’s what i had down. because working 5 on, 2 off is no walk in the park either. NO EASY DAY, hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.heh.

the cute blond girl i thought had found a new job was in fact there. so i could still potentially bang her. it would be nice. but for some reason i was not feeling too horny. yeah usu when i go there i am freaking out and totes lose the sex drive. going to have to bust out the VALIUM soon. might get calls on monday. maybe even friday.

welp. just do 60% the best i can, if they don’t like it, they can lay me off.

when i have a day off i want to take the valium just to see what effect it has and if i could possibly Work On It, or if that would be like going to work Drunk and Obvious.

hehehehehe it’s essentially like taking a math test for 8 hours straight where you don’t get time to study the concepts or do homework or be taught them, and you’re timed on every question, and people are sweating you, and you can’t ask for help hehehehehe, and other people say you don’t know how to do your job if you don’t get the problem right hehehehe.

no this is an exaggeration. this would be like the worst day on the job times 10.  but it is an exaggeration based in reality.

well i am not AS nervous about taking calls as i was the very first time i took calls in like january. at that time i REALLY needed the valium!

anyway i think the 3 on, 1 off, 2 on, 1 off, might actually be a good thing because after 5 days on, 2 days off is not enough. you need a greater frequency of breaks in other words. a break from the calls.

but since the alternative to calls all day is not having a job, then you just take yer valiumz and take the calls. it builds character. builds resume.

but the 4.8 mile powerwalk afterwards is def necessary to clear the mind. in the winter i did not do that, which prob contributed to me being all freaked out.

welp better go to bed.

well the good news is, it seems chiller perhaps just because it is summer and people are in a better mood.

also, it is a stone cold truth that even the CALLS will be chiller because…..Q1 is our busy time with a lot of big deadlines that are just not an issue in q3. there is less URGENCY on the problems that is.

but the sh1t hits the fan again in january.

and that is another good thing about being off thursday, is i can easily sched an interview for that day, as opposed to sat or sun.

some places will FIRE you if they find out you went on an interview for another job. how fooked up is that? companies have a hardon for firing people for ANY reason. it is amazing ANYONE stays employed for longer than 3 months, hehehehe. yet people are able to stay with their jobs for years and years. maybe they are just superior human beings, hehehehe. or their jobs are superior, hehehehe. elite. harvard. f4gg0ts.

how about valiumz and w33d. nice.

heh. how about benzos becoming my new alcohol.

the good news is that am seated in a good area, around smart people who can help me. it is ok to ask your fellow minions for help, so it is good to be seated near smart minions. and also i am next to my Friend so that is good.

also i held the door for people and tried to make an impression as a Nice Friendly Guy.

yes i am gonna smoke more cigarettes. i already said that. cost of doing business hehehehe.

did voice recordings to and from. that was kewl.

i really should try to infiltrate the cliques even though i don’t like them. really it’s just one woman who is like their ringleader. neutralize her and then boom. so, i guess try to get on her good side. not gonna kiss her A too much, but at the very least, never let her find out i don’t like her, hehehehe.

and everyone seemed pretty nice today, so that was good. i tried to smile and make eye contact and use a friendly tone of voice and ask “wh-” questions and be agreeable.

tried to not be afraid to ask neighbors questions and to gradually get them to like me. it IS important to get them to like me since i will be spending 40 hours a week near them chrissakes. listening to their jokes about animu and manga and vidya and gaming machines and motherboards and gigahertz and video cards and league of legends and other kissless virgin stuff. i appreciate the kissless virgin subculture, it is pretty chill. and they are always making crude jokes and they know their stuff, so, i think and hope i got a good seat here.

yep ideally find a new job by january. but again the question: how big of a pay cut would i be willing to take?

heh. funny question that. usually the question is, how much MORE money can i make elsewhere.

you know you are desperate to leave a job when you ask, how much LESS would I be willing to make?


may GOD have mercy on mah soul.


may 29

BBBBBBBUT ok so you like to think about politics because you’re SMART. you want a SMRT GRILL. but most grils who think/talk about politics ie talk smartish, are almost always leftists. isn’t that funny? where do you find the Smart Rightist Gurls?

heh. I don’t really know. marry that gurl if you find her! it might almost be easier to hook up with a leftist gurl, and then convert her to the right with your alpha charisma. which you would absolutely need to cause such a change in her thinking.

but at the end of the day, it might be best to marry a gurl who does not get into such things as politics or Intellectual Conversations. that is an INHERENTLY MASCULINE thing.

The Left is Politics For Women.

So yeah i am not too concerned with finding a wife who shares my political interests.

or any interests for that matter. but that used to be a BIG concern of mine when i was young.

like ohhhhh that cute young gurl likes stupid music, she’s out, why can’t i find a cute young gurl who likes….tom waits or something.

yeah well guess what, there are gurls who like tom waits, and they’re just as annoying as the ones who like Mainstream Modern Commercial Country music. probably MORESO.

we would complain that girls weren’t COOL. where are all the COOL girls. probably getting brainwashed at middle class marxist university. and that is VERY UNCOOL.

also, you could argue it’s not the domain of girls to be COOL. try to find an UNCOOL gurl. girls are meant to be Caring Nurturers who take care of Home and Hearth and provide Love and Kindness to their Husband and Children.

not wannabe alpha males competing with men in the workplace.

this USED to be common sense!

but if you go out and publicly say things like this, you will lose your friends, your job, all respect, all credibility, people will say you’re a loser, and they’ll try to make you unemployable so you actually become a loser. and then you’re just talking loser talk, ha ha ha.

i thought about becoming a lawyer because that’s a good career for people interested in Politics and you can make a lot of money……. but I decided the ROI of law skool was not worth it.  it is super expensive, law students are douchebag workaholics, i’m too lazy to be #1 in law skool, don’t want to take 200k in loans, really not a lot of growth in law jobs, full JD’s working as paralegals, etc.


plus you meet the worst kind of wimmin in lawyerdom, hehehe. nothing worse than a woman lawyer.

so sad. they would have turned out all right if they had just gotten married to a nice man young and had some children. so simple.

get MARRIED to a lawyer and he can teach you all about law if you’re so interested in law!

no, they are interested in the career and the status. kind of like I am, see earlier post abotu my GAY interest in Status Itself.

heh. well i am DONE being interested in status, I have come as far as I can go there, and it hasn’t benefited me at all, other than to be able to describe it well.

like RamZPaul says, don’t make Gurls or Getting A Gurl your main mission in life. ANYTHING but that. in fact, that will guarantee you will always be horrible with gurls, if GURLS are your main interest. Sure your hormones cause you to be horny, that’s fine, but be truly interested and motivated by something, anything else. sports, writing, STEM, math, military, sales, comic books, cooking, politics, music, movies, art, science, robots, computers, games, anything. but women, or how to Pull Women for that matter, so PUA is not a great interest.

what about the more at a distance male female relations like Heartiste does, and which I do too?

I guess that’s a little better. but it would be a lot better if you had already established your masculinity before that, or if it weren’t a cover for you “secretly” wanting and not being able to get a gurl.

like i am pretty sure heartiste is more than able to get a gurl, he has a fairly decent job, he is a winner in other words.

but we are losers, hehehe. who don’t have a good job or good mates. or any mates. or any job. let alone a GOOD one!

if you’re at all fat, any exercise at all is better than any non excercise. theoretically it would be ok to skip skool or work to exercise. nope, i wouldn’t officially recommend that.

but if you are underemployed, i might say that exercising is more productive than hopeless discouraging job search.

and exercise is DEF better than: TV, video games, movies, napping, being a lazy loser.

if you ever start feeling like a lazy loser, time to go for a Five Mile Powerwalk. Now.

Get a $10 a month Planet Fatness membership JUST so you can Powerwalk on their treadmill.

get a Manual Labor job like a Mexican. that is why their Souls are less Troubled than White Losers. Manual Labor is Good For Your SOUL. just don’t let it become a path to becoming a loser. like take precautions to protect your back and lungs and eyes by wearing any and all protective gear. and if your boss fires you for not killing yourself enough, f00k him. find another such job where you can lift only healthy amounts. and you will be surrounded by alcoholics and drugs addicts. do not get too close to them or pick up those horrible habits. that is probably where the REAL soul destroying associated with these jobs actually happens.


may 29

i was watching something quite feminine on tv and then made a point to try to watch something masculine so i turn on fox news and it’s a bunch of women talking about women. hehehehe.

men: you really SHOULD NOTTTTTT watch tv. in fact it’s better to err on the side of caution and not even watch the “good” shows. i mean breaking bad is kewl and all, or american dad, but I would still be alive if I had never watched them. well i guess they have provided me with valuable entertainment and laffs. but still. it would be just as beneficial to go out and exercise.

went for nice 3.2 mile pwalk. avoided doing so yesterday because it was pouring rain all day.

underlines need of getting a nice 5 mile powerwalk just as an everyday “prescription” for Good Health mind and body.

because the pwalk today felt especially good, and i would like to go for a second 3.2 miler rather than just one more 1.6 er.

heh. in the process listening to interesting stuff.

“PROBLEMATIC” or “ISSUES” is more examples of Weak PoopyPants Millennial Talk (credit Heartiste). avoid people who use these words seriously unless you are having fun trolling them.

but if they are making your working life or social life difficult because they say you have problematic attitudes, get out. no good can come of this.

hhe. i don’t think most women are feminist extremists. but most women ARE creatures of conformity and thus they can start participating in this stupid #YesAllWomen “conversation” just because So Many women are Conforming to it. the good news is that women also have short memories, and this trend will be over pretty quickly.

anyway. when you have unpopular or dissident or controversial political or social opinions, yeah that can be rough if you are currently a loser and not a winner, cuz it looks liek you’re blaming the world for your own failures. so i don’t talk about those things with actual people unless I’m sure they agree with me.

but i do wonder: if i were a winner, would I be a leftist? an idealist utopianist if you will???? it’s hard for me to say, because i’m not a winner, and i can’t really Project myself into the shoes of a winner to answer that stupid what if question, hehehehe.

for example, a leftist friend of mine said a very provocative political statement on facebook, something like fear is so weak, and it is pathetic that so many amerifats are living in ignorant small minded FEAR which makes them racist and clinging to guns and religion and borders and “property rights” and all that. and that the really strong thing to do was to Love One Another, and stop being made so weak by fear. Grow A Pair, Man Up, Have some BALLS, and Open Your Heart to The Other.

i was actually a bit offended by that but I knew better than to publicly respond to it. because he is a winner surrounded by people that share and validate that kind of leftist opinion, whereas I am a huge loser and thus a hater and thus cannot say well maybe it’s not based in FEAR, and indeed perhaps fear is justified where there is a REAL threat, and people aren’t evil or ignorant or weak to want to defend themselves against threats. or you’d be stupid NOT to be afraid of Mobs Of Parasites approaching your front door. NOT to have CONCERN over what our country / state / city / area will Be like when we get old and our children grow up!!!!!

there are plenty of people who would like to “share” your property, or maybe even “share” your wife!

have some balls by being strong enough to love Aliens enough to let them bang your wife and children!

but he is a good guy, just naive, i hoped he would have become less naive by now, but it looks like he never will, and in the end, that’s not even a huge deal, because he’s a good guy, and I know better than to argue with him about this sort of stuff! it’s just interesting to see.

because i used to be a huge leftist idealist too when i was young and did not fully understand how f00ked up the world was. and then I was fed brainwashing and lies as to WHY the world was so f00ked up – basically because of rich white men, christians, racists, bigots, capitalists, europeans, imperialists, amerikkka, etc….  and then when i got in the real world, i saw that these were lies, and i have been shifting to the right ever since. but he has not, and still parrots that marxist claptrap. and runs with social scenes that parrot that, has a wief that shares same opinions, etc.

but you can’t fault someone for choosing to hang out with people with similar interests! i try to do the same.

but nonetheless i can be friends with leftists. well, the ones that i first met when i was a young leftist.

you see how this “GRANDFATHERING” can be a signif force. I stay in luv with the gurls i luved when I was young; i stay friendly with people i was firnds with when i was young, no matter how much i have changed; however in some ways, I am still the Nice, Funny, Smart person I was when I first met them, I have just developed my political views in different direction…

at any rate i refuse to have political arguments with my old leftist friends and prefer just to keep my damn big mouth SHUT. and would recommend you do the same. Keeping friends is more important than getting the last political word.

like when i decided to “come out of the closet” as a Racist to some old Leftist friends. that went over like a lead balloon, so I quickly decided to just Keep My Mouth Shut about that. I can still have my opinions, just don’t discuss them with CERTAIN PEOPLE. It’s not really as Cognitive Dissonant as a Homosexual fearfully living in the Closet. you just don’t talk about certain things with certain people. and maybe even try to subtly teach them a lesson here and there.

so yeah. don’t be so STUBBORN than you lose your friends and family. unless they are jackasses who abuse and demean you. but if they are basically decent people, don’t push them out of your life! because you have to have the last word on guns and immigration!


may 16

ok took a nice 3.2 mi pwalk. nice. bretty much made up my mind that YES i should go with the guy on his road trip to the wedding. what would I do if I were a Normalfag who wasn’t Controlled by my Laziness and Loserness? Well, I would be gainfully employed and fly out there, or I would say yes to the guy instantly.

heck i should just say yes right now and then if i get called back to the job, tell em, i got a thing planned and can’t start till june xth. really don’t think they would then say, oh well, that’s 2 weeks later than we wanted you, so you’re fired permanently. they are already using this ridic Seasonal Model Of Employment to cut Labor Costs and to avoid Health Care Costs, much like making A Full Time Job into 2 Part Time Jobs.

anyway it would be genuine fun. and a good way to Make Amends and Assuage Regrets. plus it’s not like a job where you have to stay with it for life. it’s just a limited time. and i might meet some single gurls looking to Party for the night. and I professional network. the list of pros never ends.

protip. ok say you go on a 5 mile powerwalk and then your shirt and shorts are soaked with sweat and then you feel gross, understandably so, putting those same clothes on for a powerwalk on another day. you can do the rinsing the clothes out with soap and water in your bathroom sink as i mentioend earlier; OR you can try taking a SHOWER WITH THE CLOTHES ON. Or, if that’s too weird, bring the clothes in the shower with you and just rinse them out that way.

OR, buy special clothes that Wick the Sweat Out rather than absorb it In Forever. I guess like those Under Armour shirts all the f4gg0ts wear? well at least theyre not unemployable friendless wirgins.

“WICKING” shirt, activewear, athletic gear, go to TARGET and go to the activewear section and get the cheapest v-neck shirt, cheapest Muscle shirt, cheapest shorts, and cheapest pants you can find. get xlarge, something that feels baggy and loose on your body. better to be too big than too small. of course you don’t want it falling down below your 4ss like a n1993r, hahahahaha. and then just go to planet fitness during the winter and powerwalk on the treadmill for 100 minutes immediately after work, and then you can Walk Off the Stress from the Day at Work.

may 17

yep. so if you are faced with a decision and really can’t decide, getting cold feet, just want to say no because you always are afraid to say yes, think, wait a minute, what would a normalfag say? maybe this is my lazy loserness possessing me. and then say yes like a normalfag and Learn Something from the Experience.

damn. had another dream about a true luv girl last night. girl7. remember, it’s not REALLY about girl7 in particular, rather about the General feeling of True Luv I felt for All True Luv Girls. she just happened to pop in.

something involving skool. she was teaching the class i was in, or doing a presentation in my class, and coming off as real smart and professional. can’t remember much but I am pretty sure I acted more butthurt beta to her than I should have.

thankfully I do not remember much about the dream and it is not gonna ruin my day.

I f00king HATE Ben Stiller and the Fockers sequels, but the original “Meet The Parents” has genuinely hilarious moments. Like Robert Deniro calling dogs “Sellouts” or Ben Stiller’s ridiculous dinner prayer. although i do not agree that dogs are “sellouts”. or “emotionally shallow.”  how about u? wimmin, on the other hand….. i don’t hate wimmin, but I don’t LIKE them either.

gearing up for saturday 3.2 mile powerwalk. also really should sent this Guy a response email today, it has been one week since i first got his email, then shot off a quick response, “thank you, will respond soon.”

this is a great protip. when you receive an important email that is gonna take some thought, send them a brief two sentence email thanking them for reaching out to you, as soon as possible, to reassure and thank them. Who the hell (other than weird losers) don’t like being thanked? Even I like being thanked or complimented, and I am a weird loser who can’t pull a job or a wimmin!!!

OK, went for  3.2 mile pwalk, AND FINALLY responded to that guy. now just waiting for him. tried to make the email shorter and not go all out talking about my weird self. heh. in the past,like a year ago, i was writing epic emails to like 3 diff people, it was too much. what I learned from that is, DO NOT tell your old kollege friends that you are out of the Racist Closet or else you will have a lot of splainin and damage control to do. plus back then I was more extreme of a racist. I have simmered down a little bit. Thank RamZPaul for that, heheheh.

We’ll see. take it 1 step at a time. At the very least, I see it as A Sign From My Higher Power to Make Amends to this guy and to the guy getting married, amends for kinda blowing them off a little in the past, and just to tell them they are good people, and should have spent more time hanging out with them than orbiting around Girls 2, 3, 4, and maybe 5, like a luv crazy fool. not like i betrayed them or anything but I was being pulled between at least 2 social groups, and their social group did not get enough face time from me as I would have liked in the long run. that’s all.

heh. i do not have these social problems NOW obviously. i do have friends thank GOD. but one set of friends is more “superficial” and we do a regular fun activity together but I still keep my Inner Self hidden somewhat. though I should make more of an effort to hang out for different types of activities. And I have one friend who I am very close to and we know all each others deepest secrets and fears bla bla bla. and another friend i would like to make more of an effort to see, maybe once a month, but he is a big boy now with kidz.

how about u? yes, if I were a true neet wizard with Zero Friends, that would suck balls.