dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.


military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.



dec 1 2016

had a dream last night about an old friend from my college days that of course we drifted apart, but he was a great guy and i hope he’s doing well. he was both one of the smartest guys i ever met, and also very principled and moral and a good moral person. he was also funny and hilarious and had great social charisma. he was also a very good musician. i had a total mancrush on him and was flattered that he seemed to like me. he had a very great personality and with that personality could probably get any woman he wanted, but physically he was kinda short. he was in great shape though, stayed very active with exercise. i guess he was pretty good at basketball too. well he certainly liked to play it a lot. he was pretty much responsible for introducing me to tom waits. he was fun to drink with and was no square there, but obviously he didnt drink so much that he couldnt be a winner at life. he was going for a phd in cultural marxist frankfurt skool bullshit and i was so impressed by the Brainy Intellectual stuff he read and wrote, that I was so stupid it made no sense to me, all this shit about reifying and rhizomes and deleuze and guattari and lacan and derrida and foucault and badiou and bordieua and baudrillard and adorno and barthes and mcluhan and zizek and all that ((((CRITICAL THEORY)))) stuff.

I had no idea that it was total jooish poison. I’m not sure that he did either!

So, with that perspective, it’s kinda troubling that such a good, solid guy would make his career in something so awful and poisonous. because when you’re young, that shit impresses you because it makes you sound really really really SMART. I actually knew a couple people like this. I had another friend in that same department who was similarly a very nice, charismatic, smart, principled, moral, solid man. they deserve better than this jooish bullshit.

anyway i hope they are both doing well. they are both great guys and I will never forget them. i just dont get the critical theory, cultural marxist, frankfurt school, jooish bullshit.

anyway back to the first guy. he could have had any woman he wanted despite his short stature because his personality was so great. BUT, interestingly, his fashion style was very scrubby, like a damn neet virgin. he could have cleaned up VERY well, but DIDNT. he had long greasy hair and a long wispy “beard”. he probably did not shower enough. this was not from a lack of confidence, but just because he was really that much of a “free spirit artist”, as well as a very smart articulate academic intellectual, as well as having pretty damn good social skills. not an awkward autiste whatsoever, but every bit as high iq as an autist. he just LOOKED like a homeless person hahahahaha. now I think after he finished his phd he started presenting himself better hahahaha. which is good, he was not ugly.

and because he had such a good, strong personality, he could get GFs and had been in several long term monog rels. I don’t think he ever did too much degenerate shit with women. never a “player”, never a womanizer, never open rels, and oh good lord I forgot he was CATHOLIC too!

anyway in the dream he’s like, we gotta watch this movie, it’s great. and I was like great, I like your taste, if you say its good, im sure its good. i mean he did/does have good taste in movies and music and books.

so we started watching this movie that was some 1970s french or italian “art” degeneracy like godard or pasolini. Which I NEVER really liked that kind of artsy fartsy movie, and now I like them even less. because of the jooish degeneracy embodied in them. the opening scene had a bunch of big women with big breasts but also huge erect dicks dancing around like the wild androgynous men/women of borneo. the scene went on for way too long. then the movie went on to tell this artsy, intellectual, elaborate story of how Whites were the Cancer of the Human Race, Whites were evil, whites are all oppressive, horrible natsees, and telling this story in a very artsy, college bourgeois phd sort of way, that you could feel real artsy and intellectually superior.

so my friend asks me what i think and im like oh great, this great guy I admire really likes this antiwhite bullshit, and he’s a brilliant guy, way smarter than me, theres no way i could convince him that whites are great, i mean i cant believe such a smart good awesome guy BELIEVES this bullshit! this could really complicate our Frandship!

And I was like well i dunno, i usually like your taste but I never liked this weird new wave godard pasolini shit, I mean its just too much for me, i mean come on, giant dicks, its just too much for me.

i did not mention the whole antiwhite message. that would be a lot harder to talk about with him.

anyway that was the dream hahahaha.

i never did talk to him about whiteness. but he was a great white man. and he did finish the phd i THINK. im sure he’s still a great guy, i just hope he doesnt spend too much of his career talking about how bad whiteness is.  and white = evil. he got along with nonwhites very well, which i think his family had some nonwhite foster children in their home. now for weev that helped weev become race conscious because the nonwhite children sucked. my friend, i guess his nonwhite foster “siblings” werent so bad. well good for him then hahaha.

i dont want to dox the guy hahaha.

but yeah what would HE say about the alt right, or whiteness? would he be a terrible shitlib saying that anyone who uses the term “cultural marxism” is a crazy, white, racist conspiracy theorist. cultural marxism is not a real thing.

i never read any of his papers. well i think i read a few pages at the time, and it made no sense. i dont remember anything about whiteness. maybe some stuff about signifiers and reification.

so i could easily look up his papers NOW and read them and probably get a sense of what he thinks about whiteness, right?

yeah probably! and im not sure i WANT to !

it was also funny we never really talked about his skoolwork that much, he never talked about it, and he also didnt seem to spend much time on it. he seemed to have PLENTY of free time to hang out, watch movies, go out, be social. i thought phd students were supposed to be chained to their books and work 80+ hours a week!!!!!! but not him!

so was he a bad student? maybe, but its kinda hard to be a “bad student” and get into a All Expenses Paid PhD program at a Very Good Skool. i mean thats how smart he was.

shit i would have liked to hear him teach a class, or do a phd defense especially. i know eventually he started teaching undergrads like most grad students did.

anyway he was/is a great guy, i wish him the best, but i also want him to have white children! he would be a great father of course.  there is a risk that he might marry a nonwhite woman though. although when i knew him, all his GFs were white women.

ok heres whats interesting. some white people go into an Urban Public School full of poor blacks and they become redpilled on race, like yep once i saw the real world, i knew that blacks and whites are very different.

and other whites say i became even MORE committed to education because i saw how precious these poor black children were, they were every bit as smart as anybody else, they just need better resources, opportunities, education, etc, so ive spent my life really trying to help these kids who really really NEED that help.

so which is the truth about race hahahaha.

i have no doubt there are many smart ghetto black kids out there that would benefit from a good education. plenty of little dr ben carsons out there.  but honestly i have no desire, and im honestly not TOUGH ENOUGH, to want to work in a black school to help those kids. i would rather teach white kids. really i dont want to teach kids at all hahahahaha. beyond being a homeschool teacher of my own children, and even there i dont trust my abilities!

but yeah when i was hanging out with somebody i thought was really really cool like that, i sometimes felt insecure and inferior, like im nowhere NEAR that cool, why are they hanging out with ME? once they find out how uncool i am, theyll get bored with me and dump me.

i guess i felt a similar way about women that i liked! that i was “privileged” enough to hang out with a few times!

classic inferiority complex. im not cool enough to be friends with this person. im not cool enough to date this grill.

and the women eventually “proved” it by dumping me, although the men i had mancrushes on, well they were pretty much “faithful” to me though! like i say, they were good solid moral men through and through, and never did me wrong! we just drifted apart due to time and distance.

hehehehe kinda wish i had met him when i was in high school hahaha. not to crap on my high school friends tho hahaha. but i might have had a chance at getting his Sloppy Seconds hahahaha. that was how much of an omega i was, i couldnt even get Sloppy Seconds because my friends couldnt get sloppy seconds either hahahaha.

well i prob could have gotten sloppy seconds from one of my friends who was ok with the ladies, qt ones too……but i was so proud i didnt WANT sloppy seconds from muh friends! or i just thought it was weird and gross. it IS pretty weird and gross!!!!!!!!! plus I wanted a GF, not casual hookup secs. i didnt like SLUTS back then either! i wanted a NICE GURL! i.e., not a slut.

so yeah, i pretty much ALWAYS disliked sluts. very consistent there.

ok thats enough memory lane bullshit. i just wish i were doing more in the present that would make good memories later. but all i got is the failure of the last 3 years, the painful memory of That Woman, etc. nothing really GOOD that i will happily remember. well maybe the good times i had with that woman. but i dont WANT to remember those! i want to have BETTER memories with a BETTER woman!

see i use overthinking as a way to cope with stress and worry. IF I THINK ABOUT THIS ENOUGH, I WILL FIGURE OUT AN ANSWER AND FIX THE PROBLEM. but it never works like that. i never find the answer. i never fix the shit. i just think and think and think and worry and ruminate and overanalyze and write and write and write and write. i order for things to improve, i need to get out and actually DO shit.

the best punishment for sluts is for their fathers to shake their heads and say i am very very very disappointed in you, and you will have to work to regain my approval.

but this assumes sluts HAVE fathers who can BE disappointed in them.

so without that….i think i determined shaving the sluts head bald would be a good punishment.

how about tattoo on their forearm saying “SLUT”? pretty good, but that would be guaranteeing they would never STOP being a slut.

how about a tattoo somewhere nonvisible then?

like i said…..I NEVER liked sluts.

I WILL give a slut a chance, if she’s really willing to repent and reform. of course how do you trust that? i guess look at her repentance. the first slut i was with was a very secs-positive bourgeois jooess, so of course she wasnt ashamed of being a cvm dumpster, she thought it was liberating and empowering.

hehehe there are two kinds of people in the world, racists and nonracists, and never the twain shall meet. i think if all the racists segregated away from the nonracists the world would be a better place. and then of course in the racist side, each race would then segregate.

whites are racist! racism is the worst evil! whites are evil!

once you realize this is what they are really saying, you cant unhear it hahahaha.

there is literally NO BENEFIT to being sensitive. it is WEAK. FRAGILE. NON TOUGH. being TOUGH is ALWAYS good. weak people break down and cant get shit done. and they are miserable because everybody rejects them because they are weak and sensitive. hahaha.

oh but they see the world in a unique way and create great art!

  1. at least half of them DONT, i never created great art
  2. well thats not entirely true, I wrote 2 and a half pretty good songs. long epic songs too haha. and a bunch of decent bukowski ripoff poems. and at least 3 book length blogs. 1 sweet doom level.
  3. art is not that important. its a nice luxury but its not very useful at all. it is not a vital role in society. its nice to have, and its really fun to listen to music from ages 11 to 25 or so, but after that, theres more important things to do, like run society, have children, and music and art does not help with that at all. yeah it adds to a sense of culture but you know what else does? children. government and society and civilization. people inventing shit and building civilizations and employing people and doing work. this takes TOUGH, STRONG people, not SENSITIVE, WEAK people.

plus there is plenty of good art made by Tough, Strong people!

oh but sensitive people Love more deeply.

but this is WORTHLESS unless they find another sensitive person who can APPRECIATE that AND luv them the same way back! Sensitive Luv is just Wasted on Tough, Nonsensitive Normies! they will DUMP you for being too WEAK and NEEDY!!!

and how many sensitives are there? it CANT be more than 25%.

so yeah, ITS NOT WORF IT to be sensitive and weak hahahaha. i wanna trade it in to be tough. so i can LUV people more intensely! that is TOTALLY not worth it! I don’t WANT to luv people so intensely! theres something WRONG with me!

all this sensitivity has made it excruciatingly difficult to live a normie adult life with 26k job and 6.51/10 waifu!

i should see if muh new 13k a year job can send me on a business trip to colorado. or NV, CA, OR, WA, or MA hahahahahahahahahahahaha. every week.

i mean shit theres an idea. why not do job searching in colorado?

because I dont really want to MOVE to colorado, i want to stay near muh family! they are the only family i have! i wouldnt mind visiting colorado for a week or 2 and being ridiculous blazed that whole time, but i dont really want to MOVE ANYWHERE!

and some people are not like this. they dont mind moving anywhere in the world. shit i kinda wish i were more like that. because that is a TOUGHER person. who will leave their family behind to go where the jobs are.

you know you like somebody when you make a MIX tape/cd/stream for them. did anyone ever do that for ME?

well sort of. there were some manly no homo mixes in there where i exchanged Metal Mixes with another Metal Fan who worked at the Music Shop where I took some Guitar Lessons hahahaha. good guy but he was more into death metal, like Early Technical Death Metal with especial liking to Technical Death Metal Bass. I wonder if he was happy about all the new technical death metal that has come out. i cant even. like maybe necrophagist and stuff like that hahaha. i dont know. not my cup of tea.  we both liked bands like nile and cynic and early cryptopsy. naturally he really liked death. i liked their “sound of perseverance” album but never got much further. (although now i am kinda interested in their old stuff, hehehehe.)

well ultimately ive always been more of a black metal guy than a death metal guy, and he could not help me there.

oh shit i wonder what he would say about deathspell omega. that is probably the most technical band i like. and they really are TOO damn technical hahahahaha.  cool it with the nonsense riffs guy. i thought you were black metal hehehehe. technical black metal. i am probably more open to that that technical death metal.

could demilich be called technical death metal? i know they have very cult following.

again, i like stuff thats more Atmospheric and Emotional and Sensitive.

but its funny. i stopped paying attention to metal for like 5 years and those were THE most important years TO pay attention because SO much shit happened. when i came back to metal, it was like a whole new world. 10 generations of evolution had happened and suddenly i was an old man who didnt understand the youth. all within 5 years.

i was out of it from like 2002 or 3 until 2008 or 9?

uhhhhhh yeah between 2002 and 2009 a LOT of shit DID happen in metal hahahaha.

it would have been nice to have been paying attention when the deathspell album “Si Monumentum” came out in like….2004?

well i DO remember when paracletus came out in 2010.

i DO remember when varg got out of prison and came back with “belus” in like 2010.

i remember when the alcest album “ecailles de lune” came out and invented “blackgaze” hahahaha.

so yeah i didnt miss it all.

anyway metal. i dont even like talking about metal with metal fans, because they like different metal bands than me and will try to push some metal bands on me, when im not looking for new metal super actively. there needs to be a come to jesus moment and then ONE BAND will reveal itself to me at the right time, like saor right now.

i am very ok with that, im just grateful to be able to enjoy fresh music at all anymore!

did i mess up muh brain with too much alcohol and MJ when i was young?


i used to be smart in high school! i was great at high school! i peaked in high school, hahahaha.

then 15 years later, you have to tell people, i was smart in high school! I SWEAR!!!!!! I WAS SMART ONCE!!!!! and then these young smartasses roll their eyes. yeah right, old dumb man. then why are you working here at your age. obviously didnt make good decisions with your life.

yikes i get to writing and then it INEVITABLY BECOMES super negative and despairing and horribly derpressing!!!! SO STOP WRITING!!!!!!

just as surely inevitable as the sp1c n1g cycle will guarantee that sp1cs and n1gs will inevitably stuff themselves with fried meat until they become crippled by morbid obesity and require heroic medical care until they gracelessly expire, hahahahahahahaha.

so yeah. theres no benefit to being sensitive, weak, and fragile. these are BAD THINGS!

the TOUGHER you are, the easier time you will have in life, the better you will do in life, the less suffering you will suffer through. the more self respect you will have from being able to achieve a minimum of normieness.

psilocybin decreasing depression and anxiety? ok i’ll buy that hahaha. i would have to take a TINY dose though. i took psilocybin exactly twice in muh life. when i was 20 years old. ykes. the first time was ok. the second time was HORRIBLE and i felt horribly alone and alienated and heartbroken and despairing.  realy more sorrow and emptiness than anxiety. which i guess is actually BETTER than anxiety. that feeling of panic is just horrible. but thats the last time i will ever do mushrooms around a woman i am in luv with who doesnt like me hahaha and would rather be Romantic with other guys in front of me hahahaha.

maybe that is why i am so sensitive to rejection. cuz i did mushrooms WHILE a woman was essentially rejecting me, so it imprinted somehow. really the only way to “fix” that is to do mushrooms while i am with a woman and she is Totally Accepting me. being with me, having tender monog relship secs, cuddling, etc.

i would also do it alone.

i would also be open to doing super duper tiny doses like they did in this medical experiment. though when you “TRIP” they always say dont take too LITTLE, you gotta take enough to actually feel something maannnn.

so i say just take a teensy weensy bit. like taking one puff of MJ. you ever take one puff of MJ and feel it? then you might be a sensitive snowflake like me hahahaha.

so yeah i would be open to that. take such a tiny dose that you could get up in the morning and go to WORK the next day like you can with MJ hahahaha.

HA! this “straight dope” message board looks pretty good

can you be mistaken about your own romantic luv for a person

tell me your job search techniques

how many females are open to the idea of a scat fetish in a relship hahahahahaha

great quote from that one:::  ”

11-27-2016, 01:42 PM
astro astro is offline
Join Date: Jul 1999

OK maybe there is a beautiful, kind, loving woman out there who will shit on a plate so you can eat her feces and relish the intimacy this creates for you. You gaze into her gorgeous, endless eyes as you take your fork and carefully nip off some of the warm, fragrant brown turd she has produced for you. You inspect it lovingly and notice how it was formed in convergent layers by her bowel and the little bits and pieces of undigested food woven throughout. No pinworms or other creatures are waving back at you, so reverently you lift the morsel to your nose inhaling deeply and flaring your nostrils to get the full impact. The pungent aroma is overpowering so close and up you are in heaven.

You pass the aromatic brown chunk between your lips and explore it with your tongue rolling it around it your mouth. Firm yet soft you feel it dissolving in your mouth before you gulp it down. You want more and dig in! Seeing you smacking and chewing so lustily with a filmy smear of poo, her poo, coating your lips she gazes beatifically at you and the connection is so real you feel transcendent.

Hope you find your gal.       ”


hehehehehe nice

well you need to take a few years and get some therapy and fix yourself before you can ever be cured of your virginity, and also you have such deep issues, you will never get a gf, just maybe some casual sexs with crazy sluts, after you do like 5 years of therapy.


dump him because his lack of success in his career indicates immaturity and abusiveness and issues and insecurity and that he’s in a bad place and is incapable of being in a relship because he’s not happy with his career and never will be until he gets his masterz degree and gets a sweet office job that he finds SO FUN AND FULFILLING just like you

from this thread:    ”         [–]Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez 2 points 48 minutes ago
Here’s what people usually want when they say they want closure: they want to have the last word in all the major arguments they had with their ex, and they want their ex to listen and say “you’re right, I was wrong,” and mean it. But this is a fantasy. As I’m sure you realize, the conversation wouldn’t go anything like that in real life.       ”

hehehehe nice way of putting that. closure is bullshit. a myth. there is never any closure. you always want the other person back, until you havent seen them in 4 years and then you dont really want them any more. then you see then and you want them again and need a few months just to get over seeing them once hahahahaha.

took a tiny benedryl tablet instead of taking nyquil tonight. felt like one or the other.

i never liked the the write shit but dont send it approach.  i say send that shit. hold them accountable!! they dont get to do EVERYTHING on THEIR terms! They SHOULD see that their actions have consequences on other people!!

damn man that sucks. wanting her back after years because you know the shit is fixable. yeah but maybe she wouldnt want to fix it and would just dump you when you tried to fix it. being WILLING to fix it is just as important as being ABLE to fix it.

oh well just dump the toxic mentally ill abuser and find a better man, people are so upgradable like that.


even if they might like casual sex with a revolving door of replaceable, disposable dicks hahahaha.

dec 2

if you dont want a relship mmkay, then you shouldnt have SECS. SECS shoudl ONLY occur WITHIN a relship. a mongo (hehehe) longterm relship. if you dont want a relship then you should also enter a period of Voluntary Celibacy until you ARE ready and willing to be in a relship. and THEN you can have your damn FUN SECS again hahaha.

fookin sociopath. so focused on their damn career that they dont see the benefit of a serious rel.

ok i am looking fwd to getting haircut today, very soon, and just wanted to record this damn stupid dream i had last night

YES it had THAT WOMAN and in a big way. I recall i was hanging out with her and laying my head on her beautiful soft white stomach and just rambling on about bullshit like music or something, even though i was very very worried about the state of our relship, but was scared to talk about it, so i just talked about anything else. however i felt there was still hope because she was willing to hang out wiht me and let me lay my head on her bare stomach. which is kind of intimate IMHO. never did that in real life hahahaha. couldnt even hang out with her anymore hahaha.

then i left and continued being worried. then i guess she dumped me. i went back to talk to her and she started literally running away. and i began chasing her and she conitnued running. i was running too. i was screaming after her pathetic begging things: please just talk to me! please respond! please lets just talk about this! PLEASE DONT TREAT ME LIKE THIS! i recall saying that exactly.

then i was heartbroken. then i was talking with another female friend i had during college. i was never attracted to or in luv with her. we just got along ok and had mutual respect. she was very smart and very funny. on the downside she was very shitlib (so was everybody) and had issues with Secsual Morality. At heart she was a good person who was mashed into this jooish neurotic somewhat mess because of Kollige and the Middle Class Career World, which her family was firmly in, and unfortunately pressuring her with high expectations.  also she was supremely judgmental and liked to gossip about drama. I am the SAME WAY, but these women were actually a little bit WORSE. they were still good people though. they just needed to cool it with the drama! also she was nonwhite, therefore Im not such a hateful racist that i want to throw all nonwhites in the oven hahahaha.

so in the dream i told her how devastated i was and she wasnt really being THAT comforting, saying, well, if she’s running away from you, she obviously doesnt want to talk to you! so stop trying to talk to her.

but i really really really WANT to talk to her!

well she OBVIOUSLY doesnt WANT to talk!

but thats SO UNFAIR! she doesnt get to throw me away like a piece of garbage without being held accountable for the consequences! you want to get out of this, you have to go through the discomfort of a damn uncomfortable conversation at least!

so i convinced the female friend to go and meet with That Woman and kind of act as my attorney/advocate because That Woman was not allowing me to meet and talk with her.

i was riding in a taxi with the woman friend. i was nervous as shit because this was my last chance to say what i wanted to say, and i had to say it through this other person. i was trying to use Wise Mind and articulate myself as clearly as possible as to what i wanted to say. I remember very clearly saying “I fully accept her decision. I’m not asking her to be with me. sure, in an ideal world i’d like her to be with me, but I fully accept that she’s decided to end the relationship. what i’m asking for is just….i dunno. more recognition of my broken heart. more recognition that our relationship was meaningful and valuable to her. we knew each other for 3 years and i THOUGHT i meant something to her, was valuable to her, made a difference in her life, and we shared what i thought was a great connection and some great memories. i never wanted to hurt her. and i never wanted her to HATE me. it seems like she hates me. what did she think i did? I want to know what she’s thinking and feeling about this, and to tell her what Im thinking and feeling about it. that’s why I just want to meet with her and talk to her, and its so frustrating she’s not willing to do that.”

basically not a big chance from real life here.

i also wanted to show my other female friend (WHOOPS, not supposed to refer to women as “females”, that is a TELLTALE SIGN that you are a huge redpill neet incel entitled niceguy omega virgin nevergf woman hater!!!!! who sees women as some weird alien species and not human beings!!!!) that i was in the right, that i wasnt some kind of creepy stalker controlling abuser manipulator who wanted something unreasonable.

the friend went in and i sat in the taxi very nervously.

after like an hour the friend came out and said that That Woman said she didn’t feel I really CARED ABOUT her as a real person, that I was just trying to MANIPULATE HER INTO SECS. (basically accusing me of being a Niceguytm.) that i had no regard for her feelings and wasnt willing to listen to her.

then i got angry and was like WRONG. thats TOTALLY WRONG. I care about her SO MUCH! I am DEVASTATED! i will be devastated for the next year! it wasnt all about secs! it was about LOVE and having a loving rel! i wanted a HELL OF A LOT MORE than just secs! this is about luv! hearts! relships! sharing lives together! and i care very much for her! i want the best for her! i want to be with her and help her build a happy life! and to share a happy life together! shes got this all WRONG! can i just go in there and talk to her myself! no? goddamn why cant she just let me talk to her???!!?!?! can you go back in there please and tell her what i just told you??

(it was kinda like my job where callers could not speak directly to the level 2’s who knew how to explain bad news, and had to go through ME, who didn’t really understand the shit!)

the friend advocate sighed, like yeah thats not gonna work, but i’ll go back in there one more time for you.

then she did. then she taxi drove away with me in it. we picked up some black thugs and dropped them off at a casino. i was like shit we gotta get back to where we were. i didnt know how to get there from where we now were. i asked the driver if he could go back to the house where we were before. he said sure. he was clearly very foreign and i thought he might be bullshitting, because it didnt look like we were getting any closer. i asked him where he was from and i think he said georgia. like the country of.

so that was about it. it was a very vivid, long, movielike dream. i think the benedryl put me into a deeper sleep and therefore a deeper dream. it was not great. pretty much illustrated what was going on in real life, except now i had an advocate who was willing to talk to her on my behalf, and she was able to confirm that That Woman had a very Wrong opinion on What I Had Done. in real life, i have no idea what she was thinking.

but really, her having the Wrong Idea did not make me any happier, in fact i was just more frustrated, and just wanted to send the advocate back in there to show that I was Right, and She Was Wrong!

see that reddit quote about closure about hahahaha.

so yeah. also the dream was sad because at the beginning i actually DID see her and had an intimate moment with her like i never had in real life. but the moment wasnt intimate for her AT ALL!

hhehehe. if it takes you longer than a year to get over…….then hell yeah it was true love!!!! fook yes you CARED ABOUT them!

so i hate the accusation that you just want SECS when really, you are in LUV with them and CARE about them and want the best for their LIFE!

but no its all about secs secs secs with these women. and not even sacred, holy, loving, babymaking, relationship secs, but they reduce everything down to negro casual sex. its the only thing they understand hahahaha. absolutely disgusting.

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. I guess i just wanted her to experience some consequences and not be able to avoid them so completely. i sure experienced some damn consequences.

that doesnt mean that i want to inflict pain or punishment on her! more like, i just want her to feel some REMORSE and to reflect on this and learn how to not do this again in the future!

and probably she will learn from it, and treat other guys better, and i will never know, and never experience the Better Kinder More Mature Her!

she was already very kind, i experienced a lot of her general kindness, so i know she was capable of it. it was just a matter of Choking in a High Pressure moment. like i never did that before! like on the job or something.

yeah but with a Relship, I would have at least written an email hahahaha. that doesnt require a lot of effort or courage.

well it DOES involve courage when you actually SEND it. maybe she DID write an email but wasnt courageous enough to click send!

so yeah i did not enjoy that dream hahahaha.

looking at days since spreadsheet because i put haircuts on there….

507 days since i last talked to her… (16.9 months)

473 days since i last emailed/contacted her   (15.77 months)

81 days since last haircut, yeah its time hahaha

389 days since intentionally looking at/using jooish filth pornography


got haircut at mens haircut place, good prices

rambled on to older white slavic woman about what i wanted. hard to articulate. finally got to the following clear actionable instructions:


and hopefully she understood that. i should write that on a flashcard which i bring next time in roughly 10 weeks hahahaha.

i usually get 1 or 2 all around. never this fading or two diff lengths. breaking out of comfort zone. it looks all right. somewhat militaristic and fashy. not bad.


just tell them that. short. direct. unfookupable hahaha. these are the kind of instructions i like to receive for muh job. not some vague bullshit that can be interpreted 10 different ways, then you have to go back and ask 10 clarifying questions, and they sigh and eye roll and think youre an idiot even though they gave you these stupid vague instructions that they probably didnt even read or realize how vague they were.

so i should assertively say: i dont like vague instructions. i like clear, concise, unambigious instructions. 2 on the top, 1 on the sides. im not going to waste your time with stupid questions, so dont waste my time with stupid instructions that require stupid questions for clarification.

fooking fookbitch.

so yeah that dream sucked. its faggy as fook to lay your head on a gurls stomach but i like the idea of it.

i dont get it. secs is so cheap for them, they think you want cheap sex, when you want expensive luv, and then they get mad at you (well, NOT you, but niceguys, which we are NOT) when you want something that they consider cheap, which you dont even really want. cuz Cheap Sex is all they understand. when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail hahahahaha.

yeah being a niceguy is bad and shameful but i STILL think women overreact to it. but im still not saying i was a niceguy hahahaha. cuz its bad and i really dont want to be that. but they overreact. they think you are a HORRIBLE person, when you are really just a WEAK, COWARDLY person.

kind of like her. I dont think she is a HORRIBLE person, i think she is generally a good, maybe even GREAT person, she just had a moment of cowardice.

how come women cant give us the same BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT?

yeah well not all women, not all women, not all women hahaha. not even most women would not give you the benefit of the doubt.

but yeah i sure would have liked to cuddle with her and touch her white stomach hahahahaha. so it sucks to DREAM about that 16 months later.

like the guy in that reddit. he went on dates with 30+ women and still couldnt stop comparing them to the woman who dumped him, who he couldnt get over, years later. the only thing thats gonna fix this for him is to find a woman who is BETTER. who can make him feel luv again.

that story resonated with me because hes in his 30s and wants to have children and a wife, and he wanted that woman to be his wife, and have children with her, and he can’t see having children with anyone else yet. yep when you get older and want a wife and children, the stakes are even higher than when you are 20 and just fooking like a horny n199er. and not all of us wanted to be degenerates like that!

basically i view women as degen n199ers who cant keep it in their pants, and me as a principled man who is more moral and principled and white and better and seeks a higher morality and understands deeper truths. which isnt entirely wrong, as i believe my principled view of sex is the Better one. and i want a woman who shares that Core Value. hard to find a woman who doesnt treat secs like a horny n1993r tho!

ff12 has good music too, another great game, i never thought this game was underrated hahahaha.

so basically i view women as these alien monsters, who i have a yearning desire and obsession over, who throw cheap sex at everyone but me, who finds sex very very expensive, so i have a combination of deep resentment and deep desire for women. well, young (25 year old, marriage age, fertile) women! I want them so badly, I can’t have them, and they don’t want me.

these are the Big Kahuna of Cognitive Distortions that i need to address.

that and they undervalue something I value so highly, so i imagine them as sinful devils blaspheming my holy morality. like they are literally The Devil. The Enemy of Man. the Adversary. the living embodiment of Sin and Distancing yourself from Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. Women Are EVIL.

when really they are just Complicated PEOPLE, just like you and me hahahahahahaha.

so reddit says read books and watch tv and movies made by women, so you can view women as real people. go read margaret atwood or watch orange is the new black.

yeah but these are all feminists who have to slip in some man hating marxism. so whenever i read a woman doing that…..i dont understand or like women any better, i just dislike them more hahahaha. like you dirty fooking communist traitors.

so the best would be to read like books by a woman i like, like ann coulter hahahahaha.

maybe i should read the new megyn kelly book which she is promoting like crazy and which people are apparently buying like crazy too hahahha.

some feminist on reddit said “men worry that women will laugh at and reject them. women worry that men will raep and K them.”

yeah ok there is a kernel of truth there. but that doesnt mean women should be degenerate slutty n1993rs.

i like this trvmp “thank you” victory tour. he has been very busy since the election and hasnt had a rally in WEEKS, when he used to have a rally every day and give huge rousing speeches every day. it was weird to see him out of the spotlight. basically what he’s been doing is “hiding out” in trvmp tower talking to people and making big decisions of who he wants on his team. whcih is great, but i want him to come out in front of the cameras and 100000000 cheering people and call the media a bunch of disgusting animals and build the wall and drain the swamp and MAGA and make good deals. hopefully he does Rallies when he is prez.

so yeah if you worry men will r and kill you, dont put yourself in situations where you are basically putting yourself out there on a platter for those men, basically saying R me and K me!!!!!!!!!!

doesnt mean any woman DESERVES to be R’d and K’d, it’s just DONT BE STUPID. dont be the kid who jumps into harambe’s paddock. dont put your head in a lions mouth. dont point a loaded gun at your face. dont tease men when you don’t know that man, you dont know that he’s not a dangerous man.

you come SO CLOSE to really knowing a woman as A Human Being, and then she does a total 180 and throws you out of her life in a way that you cant even image doing to another human being.

not all women Would Do That, not even most women Would Do That.

if you’re not sure the best way to dump someone, just pay a Social Worker $50 to do it for you. don’t go out to lunch or dinner for a while. use secs to coerce your FWB’s into paying for your Birth Control, or to just give you the $50 for the shrink. suck off your Boss for $50. cuddle with some omega orbiter for a $50 fee. you know how EASY it is for you to get $50????!!?!?!?!?!

just hold off buying stupid clothes and shoes and purses for a week. small price to pay for saving somebody Thousands of Hours of Suffering.

you and i should probably listen to this song 3 times every day. quite possibly the single most POWERFUL song ever written.

music by dougie maclean who is not the composer of the film score, who is trevor jones, who took the dougie maclean song and integrated it into the score.

heh i think uncle bern should get a wife but i have bought his book as a way of supporting him. i wish i could have bought it from him directly. he is a good, principled man who i have admired for years. apparently he tells some personal anecdotes about his relships with women in this one, so thats worth the price of admission for me.

it was either that or donate to his paypal or patreon. which i still might do.

https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress [dot] com/2016/03/01/the-real-millennial-woes-student-debt-homeless-priced-out-of-parenthood-and-no-pension/

(doesnt have anything to do with the guy MW, a good article and blog nonetheless)

heh. so i took the plunge and joined patreon so i can pledge 1.67$ to millennial woes per month ($20 per year hehe)

and $1 to uncle bern per month. in the past i would have given him moar. i will give him more if he becomes a huhwhyte nationalist or has children hahahahaha. but he does deserve to quit his damn soul crushing school job and become a Content Creator Fulltime.

2 years ago i emailed him and asked him if i could donate to him. he said no thank you i really dont want to do that. i said hey im happy to donate but you do what you want. well hes changed his mind in the past 2 years and i can’t blame him. he produces great stuff and deserves to quit his damn stupid job. and we SHOULD pay him for sacrificing his personal time to make great videos and podcasts. its not a donation, its paying for a valuable service hehehehe. he’s given me hours of education and enjoyment so why SHOULDNT i give him some money. he apparently has begun to understand that concept.  maybe when he quits his job he will reveal that he knows all about the JQ.

i also see it as whites helping whites hahahahah. i wouldnt donate to a nonwhite.

anyway that disgruntled scholar or whatever i linked above points out a very important point that was interestingly enough quoted from a jooish guardian article: that 27 year old millennials in 2016 are bitter and butthurt because they think about their boomer parents when THEY were 27 and how they already had a HOME and CHILDREN. it is very sad to get old enough that you WANT children, and then realize you CANT AFFORD THEM. and that you cant afford to own a home that isnt in a violent nonwhite crime ghetto. and you might not even be able to afford that. buy a home in midtown oakland or gary hahahaha or newark. the ghettoest ghetto of new orleans.

why would you ever want children? then you cant enjoy life experiences and tinder hookups and travel. why would you want to own a home when you cant rent an apt with 10 roomates when youre 30? and those black ghettos are only violent because of a cycle of poverty adn institutional racism created by WHITE PEOPLE. you SHOULD live there so you can reap what you sow. SEE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS, hahahahahaha.

i thought i was all about that hahaha.


hehehehe one of the best gifs i have seen in months. if you are in a bad mood watching this could probably still be guaranteed to make you laugh.



cereal-bowl-mouth  cereal-bowl-mouth cereal-bowl-mouth

so classic. i bet that man has had 1,488,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times more secs and cuddling and making out that i have hahahahahahaha.

ok i should have a smaller version of the moving gif too

cereal cereal cereal

bretty kewl amirite hahahahahahaha


now is there something actually pornographic about this, or do i think that just because my brain has been thoroughly pornified by jooz?

i wish i could see this, and really the whole world, and WOMEN, through the eyes of an innocent who had never seen the thousands of hours of PORN I have watched. it really warps your damn mind.

i mean i havent watched it seriously in a YEAR and i still feel the effects.

and how many guys have not watched porn in a YEAR. like less than 1% hahahahahaha.

well thats pessimistic. maybe 10% hahaha. NOT ALL MEN WATCH PORN!!!!!!!!

i think he must have some kind of plastic ring in his mouth to be able to hold it open in that weird shape.

oh those stupid WHITE frat boys. these white males are the stupidest jackasses on the planet.

wearing warm Kodiak Heat Socks from walmart, they are warmer than regular socks. but its not super cold out there. it Feels Like 28 degrees, ok thats kinda cold, but not man cold.

well people in fookin williston north dakota probably get their cold weather socks at walmart too hahahaha so i am as getting as good as they are. WALMART.

if you cant get it at walmart, it isnt worth buying hahahahaha.




shit. had a big long dream all about THAT PERSON. not what i needed! i cant even remember exactly what it was about but it was long and there was lots of her. she was giving me videos of herself. i wasnt sure if they were supposed to be sex videos. one showed her in bed with another guy but they werent having secs, but it was safe to assume that there would eventually be some secs in one of these videos if thats how it was starting out. the videos told the dramatic story of her troubled life and showed her in many different phases: fat, skinny, long hair, short hair, hair with many colors.

the dream portrayed her as more slutty and more troubled than she actually was. and she was not the type to make videos. and she never went through many phases. she was never fat, she always had the same kind of hair, she never got with many guys and made videos with them. i liked that about her. she seemed impervious largely to the negative influences of the outside world, and could stay the course, was not always bouncing around from one thing to another. steady, straight and narrow. all good qualities that endeared me greatly to her. so yeah the dream did not show her as she really was, or even as i knew her. so that was weird.

took a different approach at the fatness yesterday. ive been trying to do 8 miles at a time, doing about a 17 minute mile which is abotu 3.5 mph, believe me my preferred pace is 2.8 or so.

basically i was trying to get it so that 1 mile burned 100 calories, by watching the calories and distance meters, and then every 10 minutes, bringing up the pace to 5.5 mph for 2 minutes to get in 20% jogging hahahaha.

but i didnt like jogging for more than 2 minutes at a time.

the jogging would build up a “buffer” where my calories were greater than my distance, and i could “afford” to go back to 3 mph again, which i gladly did.

then yesterday i began thinking HEART RATE was more important than what it said for calories.

heh well this disproves that.

anyway. what i actually experienced was:

i found that walkng steadily at 3.5 kept my heart rate at 120 (there are little sensors you put your hands on to measure your heart rate.).


anyway i tried to keep it at 120 constant, which for me is about 3.5 mph. of course running at like 6 or 7 mph can get me up to like 170 quickly hahahaha.

hmmm looks like this is  a huge controversy hahaaha.

anyway “jogging” is for phaggots, i would rather Run for 1 minute than jog for 2 minutes, then walk at a “leisurely stroll with aunt susie” for 80-90% of the time hahahahaha.

anyway when i tried to keep it at a constant 120 that was a higher heart rate than what i usually like, like 110 hahahaha. i also found this seemed to “feel” like i was working harder, more sweating hahahaha, possibly better sleeping. that is, i sleep more solidly, but still had vivid dreams featuring THAT PERSON, or at least a weird version of THAT PERSON.

well even if it was a fictional version of THAT PERSON, the nonfictional version was not much better.

she was “weird” because she was not promiscuous, she was “stay the course” and not bouncing around from thing to thing, trend to trend, belief to belief, chad to chad. I liked this consistency and stability. its stupid when people radically reinvent themselves every few months.

maybe it means she seems she is going through her first big radical change now? by kickign me out of her life? is she really changing into a Party Slut Successful Career Woman though? i will never know. well except when i see her on the rise in linkedin hahahaha.

it just really really hurts to be rejected by someone who was so very important to you. it is kinda worse than a death, because they are kicking you out of their life, with extreme prejudice. they are saying I DONT WANT YOU AROUND ANY MORE. when someone dies, they dont do that. its less of a blatant rejection. its not them saying, my life is better without you in it. and thats exactly what she told me and it ruined my year hahahaha. well it ruined prob at least 2 years cuz now i gotta deal with this job bullshit. all my confidence is gone and you need confidence to get and keep jobs.

fook. i hate that she was a decent person who i honestly respected and admired. a solid legit above board person, a good decent person you could trust. a person i wanted to keep in my life for a long time. this is why i eventually fell in luv with her. and then she said get out of my life, i never want to see you again, i hate you for getting feelings for me and being so weird about it.

and she accepted me for who i was, which so few women would do. she was willing to be my friend, get to know me, spend time with me. she never USED to be full of excuses why she couldnt hang out. until she was. because she had read my signals and didnt WANT to hang out with me, if i had different feelings.

maybe she viewed that as somone asking something of her which she couldnt do.  well she didnt have to like me, she just had to write me an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or something like that.

she never wore makeup or go tanning. the worst she would do is very very light like eye shadow makeup once in a great while, and not that crusty face paint garbage that makes their face look like crusty tan plastic. do they think alpha men find this sexy? i find it disgusting. im not an alpha male tho hahahaha.

i havent watched a movie in MONTHS, its just not enjoyable. or tv shows really. like i dont give a shit about game of thrones or house of cards or even supposedly highbrow stuff. or lowbrow stuff.

stupid. but women get into these phases of IM NOT TALKING TO YOU. WERE NOT TALKING ANYMORE. unfooking believable.

so what do you do to snap them out of that? do you leave them alone and hope they contact you? do you Persist and Push? i have actually done BOTH now, and neither has worked. maybe because I Pushed first, then left them alone second. maybe you have to leave them alone FIRST, then PUSH, second.

i was thinking about drugs that give you confidence, and cocaine has a reputation for that. i have never tried cocaine or any upper really, the worst i had was i took an adderrall recreationally 10 years ago once hahahaha. but no coke, no crack, meth, anything.

how different are crack and meth?

like having a hit of CRACK before you start your shift so you sound more confident and awake to your clients/customers/callers. sound more normal and extraverted. how ridiculous would THAT be.

but yeah i still want to contact her.

she might eventually respond to me, but would it be GOOD for me? see what happened in late 2004 when i did something like this. i reestablished contact with the woman, but we didnt rekindle anything, and it just produced MORE PAIN. cuz i got my hopes up again and she was not willing to rekindle. she had moved on. blatantly fooking other guys like it was nothing. hey thats why they make the pill.

i felt comfortable, at home with her; like i could just be myself. not like i was always trying to impress or put on a show or mask. and then i got feelings for her and felt more of that pressure to COMPETE and IMPRESS her. but before things went bad i still felt very comfortable and at home with her, i just wanted to cuddle and make out with her now. anyway that level of comfort i had never had before and its hard to give up.

I Lost Somebody that was very important to me! of COURSE it hurts!

it was made Doubly painful because they Harshly Kicked Me out of their life.

heh whenever we had a “decent” chat at our job i would email it to myself for future reference. now i went and deleted all those in july so i dont have anymore “snapshots” of “how things were” during like jan thru april.  i recall we did have some talks which i thought were good. but nothing that really got right down to the root, ie talking about feelings.

i feel she DID KINDA lead me on a LITTLE because she said oh yeah we WILL hang out at SOME point, just not this weekend.

ok i hate to bug you but can we please hang out next month? tell me well hang out next month and i wont bother you any more this month.

yes of course we will hang out soon.

oh yay thank u muh one true luv.

but yeah, so it was on me to realize i was deluded in believing her when she said we’ll hang out soon…..but you can see why i wanted to beleive it!

also, she didnt HAVE to say that! she could have said no, i dont think we should hang out any more. but no, it was always: yes we’ll hang out soon, yes we’ll hang out soon. so YES she DOES bear some responsibility for that, for saying those things with did lead me on.

but yeah i hadnt been that CLOSE to a woman since i had some female friends in 2005, 2006, 2007. ANNNNDDD i got special feelings for That person, which made me feel even closer. (i didnt get the special feelings for those older female friends.)

(then there were the women i got special feelings for, but was NEVER really close with them, so the closeness was ALL in my head and solely due to those feelings.)

but with That Person, the closeness WAS real, it WAS mutual for a long time. and it hurts to lose that. and i wish i knew how she felt about it all.

well she’s probably glad to be rid of a pathetic loser like me, who was sneaking around trying to manipulate her into having secs with me, right? hahahahaha.

and i wish i could get it through to her that IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!! that stupid niceguy narrative put forth by journalists. thats not what i am!!!!!!

i just especially hate that Niceguy Narrative, and I HATE that someone could be mad at me because they thought THAT’s what i was, and they arent giving me a chance to explain myself!

i didnt just want her to explain herself, i wanted to explain myself too!

also i liked that she was Not Super Girly in the sense of makeup, chads, talking like an idiot, tanning, clothes, fashion, shoes, boots, makeup. she was a real person who didnt care about that shit. but she was also not asexual and unfeminine. she possessed feminine warmth and caring; and clearly was willing and able to give it to Carefully Chosen and Vetted men. and i yearned to be one of those.

but i dont think she vetted the second guy well enough because he cheated on her VERY quickly.

but she responded well by dumping him immediately rather than desperately trying to win him back.

but i think shes still not over him.

shit shes probably not still over the first guy yet. i think she wanted to work things out with him, but he didnt. kinda like what happened with me and her hahahaha. so it is very painful when you want to work something out with a person, but they don’t, they just want to leave you. very painful.

but i dont know the full story there, we didnt talk too much about That Breakup, well i figured it was a sensitive subject and i didnt want to talk about it At Work.

it was hard to talk about ANYTHING at work because our work was so mentally demanding. well MY WORK was anything. i GUESS i could have had in depth important conversations over the work chat by slowly asking deeper and deeper questiosn over the course of the day. im sure other people did that.

well SORRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY for not working the work chat as best as I could, and for preferring to talk in person, in a relaxed setting, rather than have a god damn 9 hour long WORK CHAT. fooooooooook.

or high heels. i never saw her wear high heels. i liked that.

or any super slutty clothing that showed her ass or bosoms.

she would wear Mom/Dad Jeans and nothing too tight.

oh god i miss her hahahahahaha wawawawawawawaw

she was kind of poor and she was very prudent with money, meaning she didnt spend $100 to buy slutty clothes and shit like that.

i liked the way she dressed when i really dont like the way many women dress, it is either too slutty or indicates that they want too much damn attention, its flashy and expensive and gaudy.

even if i met a new good woman tomorrow, i am still gonna be EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE for a LONG time! because i still want HER back! i know it wont happen, but that wont stop me from WANTING it! so really all i can do is let it run its course i guess. and pine for her hahahaha.

slut phd gives tedx talk encouraging women to be sluts hahahaha im sure ive posted this before but read the comments too, most of the comments are pro casual sex, disgusting degens.

i dunno. i just want a woman who doesnt LIKE casual sex, AND who hasnt already gone through her Casual Sex PHASE and THATS why she doesnt like casual sex any more, because shes gotten it out of her system, rode the c carousel, and is probably jaded wiht the 1000 C Stare hahahahaha.

heh i have been making coffee with 6 scoops instead of 8 and it is still killing my stomach and guts and making me poop 90000000 times a day. better go down to 5 scoops i guess!

wawawawawa i knew her for a while……then i stopped knowing her, because she didnt want me to know her any more! because she didnt like that i now liked her.

oh well life goes on, and you go on being emotionally unavailable because you always want so and so back. that person. and you are never available for a new, better person.

she likes to walk in the park! i like to walk in the park! i wish we could have walked in the park together. i walked with her in the park once and only once. that was before i was officially in luv with her. but after that, my feelings began changing. soon after…..i was in luv. and then i really wanted to hang out with her, go walk in the park, just hang out and talk and spend time. but it never happened again.

heres a college textbook by phds miller and perlman, intimate relationships, can get for 1 cent + 4 $ shipping. looking for a free pdf hahahahaha and skipping to the chapter about Rels Ending.


CHAPTER 13: The Dissolution and loss of Relationships

read it and never stop weeping hahahaha

Our forecasts of our emotional responses to
events are often in error (Wilson & Gilbert, 2005). In this case, though, the
wrongful predictions offer some hopeful news: As awful as they often are, the
average breakup doesn’t hurt as much as we think it will.
Of course, some breakups are worse than others. It’s generally harder to
be rejected than to do the rejecting (Perilloux & Buss, 2008), especially if one
already has low self-esteem (Waller & MacDonald, 2010). In addition, anyone
who mopes and dwells on what they’ve lost and how lousy they feel during
a breakup is likely to have a hard time; rumination prolongs our distress,
whereas reflection-seeking meaning in our experiences and looking to learn
from them-is associated with positive adjustment and recovery (Saffrey
& Ehrenberg, 2007). But people with insecure styles of attachment who are
416 c.·uAPrDC 13: Thl’ Dis.solution “nd Loss of Rtldtionsh1ps
anx_ious about abandonment are particularly likely to have trouble mentally
letting go. They remain preoccupied with the ex-partner (and are especially
upset at the thought of him or her with someone new), so they remain sadder
longer than others do (Sbarra, 2006). (To get their minds off their ex-partners, they ~hould start browsing dating sites to see who else is out there; anxious
people ddach more easily from a failed relationship when they set their sights
on someone new [Spielmann et al., 2009].) People with secure attachment stvles
fare better after breakups. They brood less, so they’re less likely to stay angry.
They’re also more likely to accept the finality of the relationship’s end, so they
start healing and recover from sadness sooner (Sbarra, 2006).

oh god

TABLE 8.3. The Short Form of the Passionate Love Scale
This questionnaire asks you to describe how you feel when you are passionately in
love. Please think of the person whom you love most passionately right nor”· Keep this
person in mind as you complete this questionnaire.
Answer each item using this scale:
Not at all
3 4
1. I would feel deep despair ii __ left me.
2. Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on __ .
3. I feel happy when I am doing something to make __ happy.
4. I would rather be with __ than anyone else.
5. I’d get jealous if I thought __ was foiling in love with someone else.
6. I yearn to know all about __ .
7. I want __ physically, emotionally, mentally.
8. I have an endless appetite for affection from __ .
9. For me, __ is the perfect romantic p.11tncr.
10. I sense my body responding when __ toucht:’s ml’.
11. <1lways seems to be on m\ mind
12. I want __ to know me-my thoughts, my fears, and my hopes.
13. I eagerly look for signs indicating __ ‘s desire for me.
14. I possess a powerful attraction for __ .
15. I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship
Higher scores on the PLS indic.att:’ grt:’Jtcr passion.1te lo\’c. Across all 15 itl’ms. the
average rating per itcm-.1dd up all your. ratings an~ di\’idc ~y 15–fo.r bo~h men and
women is 7.15. If your average is 9 (the highest possible), you re expencncmg more
passionate love than most people, .md if your avcr.1ge i.s 5.25 or lower, you’re e~pt:’riencing
Saurc1•·Halflt’•Sf’rrtl1rr. IQ,I/,.

ok kinda shitty copy and paste. super shitty. i was c&p’ing from a pdf and the pdf was obvious a fuzzy xeroxing.

perhaps we BOTH have INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES. i can see that

great book, i should really buy it.


i was Anxious Preoccupied, and she was Dismissive Avoidant. Both are Insecure aka unhealthy Attachment styles.

soooo how do you go from insecure to secure attachment? why do i have insecure attachment? i had a good home life growing up. noone abandoned or abused me!!!!!!

dr zhana runs the casual sex project hahahaha and she is around the same age as me lol

i dunno maybe i would be into being promiscuous and open rels, as long as i didnt get damn rejected all the damn time!

maybe its only because i get rejected all the time, is the reason i THINK i hate open rels and promiscuity, becuase they will lead to ME being dumped, cheated on, rejected.

but what if I were experiencing all the benefits? secs with multiple people, secs whenever i wanted? then i probably wouldnt be complaining as much.

like if i had 2 or 3 attractive young women i cuold get secs with, if one were unavailable, just pick another. wouldnt even need it every day. if i were working, i would only want it once or twice a week hahahaha.

i hate these tattooed phaggots that wear shirts that say TATTOOED AND EMPLOYED, to Fight The Stigma of tat covered freaks being unemployable losers. meanwhile i hate tattoos and have no tats and these tatted up losers are making more money than i ever will hahahaha.

sure i am jelly of them having jobs and beign successful in life and im not. doesnt mean i secretly want tattoos. i think they are dumb and its a big turnoff when women have them.

of course THAT PERSON did not have any. wawawawawawaw i miss her, i want her back.

“dr” zhanas sex blog hahahaha

shit i would kinda hate getting back in contact with her, IF she wanted to be Just Friends again.

bbbbbut then i would be able to finally have A Talk with her and say yeah i dunno but i still like u tho, and she would finally TALK about it and say sorry cant do that and that would give me the CLOSURE i want?????? fook that.

well i would know she didnt hate me at least. but i would still be rejected.

heh. when i think about other women, i am reminded of how i dont WANT other women, i want HER wawawawawa.

say what you will but i eventually communicated openly with her by writing her long emails which, if she took the time to read them, would explain a lot about my position. and she could have responded. but she didnt.

so yeah. maybe i dont hate promiscuity, and that if i had the opportunity to be promiscuous with several women, i wouldnt hate it.

but i wouldnt want to have a monog rel with a woman who want to have a nonmonog rel!

but i dont like the leftist degens that nonmonog is heavily associated with.

can you be a Reactionary Traditionalist Nonmonog?

well yeah cuz youre a neoreactionary. and a man having several wives is more traditional than women Sleeping Around.

“Dr” Zhana has a PHD IN CASUAL SEX. literally.

yeah, IDEALLY, I know what i want, and that is a traditional monog one man one woman closed long term rel with a decent women where i have feelings like i had for THAT PERSON. but now i need to let those feelings die, and then find a new decent person, AND make sure they are Available, and then plug THEM into that role.

it IS a lot of work and a HUGE investment. almost like a woman having a baby!

it takes a long time for the feelings to come on, and it takes a while for the feelings to fade!

it took 2 years for the feelings to start, maybe it will take 2 years to fade.




june 25

today i learned that russian composer tchaikovsky was very likely a homosexual hehehe.

why should that be so surprising. all artists and musicians and actors and writers and painters and ARTISTS are homosexual hehehe.

anyway i am trying to find “the best” version of the divine liturgy of st john chrysostom. tchaikovsky and rachmaninoff were the major ones but rimsky korsakoff also had one.

look up znamenny chant

oh here we go, pretty good.

i am basically looking for something as old skool as possible, and very russian. old and russian.

no offense to the greeks who also do something similar with their orthodox chant. in fact i thought orthodoxy was invented in greece. or turkey. hehehe. does that mean it’s not european? hehehehehehehehehehehehe. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

right here. right here. THIS is the one. boom. done. THIS is what i have been looking for. it seems like a smaller group (someone said its just 4 guys) and you can hear all of their voices very clearly to create spine chilling harmonies. YES.

if roman catholics want more people in church they should do stuff like this!

god damn. i think it is just because it’s 4 or 5 monks rather than 10 or 20. sounds very intimate. me rikey a LOT.

have listened to some of the other valaam monastery stuff and it’s a much larger group.

are you kidding? i was nearly brought to tears, and i have never heard these songs before. maybe also it is reading the comments where they are thanking GOD and praying.

not sure if this counts as znamenny though. at this point i don’t care.

anyway it is interesting that a small choir would sound better than a big choir. but i was amazed.

4 person male choir. no barbershop sh1t.

album of the year 2014 right here. that green one. chantz from valaam.

valaam is a large island in an even larger lake, supposedly the largest lake in europe (not to be confused with the black SEA) which is near st petersburg, ie rather close to finland as well. it is rumored that PUTIN has a DACHA on this island but it is very secret.

thats it. im gonna start writing MUSIC again. inspired by these men of GOD.

renting a car might be the cheapest way to travel. i looked into an amtrak train and it was NOT that much cheaper than a PLANE.

how many female scientists (ie hard science phds or at least masterz, who are geekily, autistically, masculinely interested in Hard Science) are also Social Justice Warrior Feminist Leftist Marxists?

heh. i am reading a blog by a Biology PhD candidate by a young marxist feminist woman who is 90% obsessed with her field of butterflies and ecology and stuff, and 10% social justice warrior claptrap.

see i thought hard scientists were less leftist. unless: biology isn’t really too hard of a science; or women are more leftist than men (which is true; at least young single women are); or it’s just her, and most women in biology aren’t this bad.

or, most likely, i am just jealous and bitter of phd academics because i blew my chance at being one by getting bad grades and bad extracurriculars.

because i want the work environment of intelligent phds and cocktail parties and fresh cute young gurl college students every year. hehehe.

and saying, my JOB is me being a PHD, which proves I’m SMARTER than 99% of people.

less than 1 out of 100 people is a phd! heck, prob 1 out of 1000!

so i could pull a wife to watch foreign movies with and drive a volvo and shop at whole foods and send my kids to progressive schools and live in a progressive university town with a bunch of old hippies and cute young gurls and elites hehehe.

bad reasons, son!

especially since i don’t agree with Progressive Politics.

however those cities can be Safe, Low Crime, No Ghetto, Walkable, and Fun, with plenty of Culture and Parks and Museums and Music and Nightlife and such. with increasing home and land values. who wouldn’t want to live there. including right wing nutjobs like moi.

june 26

i never listened to much fugazi but i should probably start. i really like the “integrity” of musicians who can be approached by The Mainstream and offered millions of dollars, and then just turn it down. not many people can say they did that. i would probably take the money!

also i did not know about their huge set of live recordings. i bet that was a wild live show.

lets see. had a weird dream lsat night with girl2. hey now. in it i guess she was dead (!!!) but was a ghost where only i and a few others could see her. she was young as I remembered her, heh near 18, rather than much older as she is now. i always like that youthful young aspect of her, of a young girl vs an old woman.

but we couldn’t go out because she was a ghost and i was alive and it just didn’t work that way.

might be a great corny young adult novel movie!

did a few moar voice recordings yesterday while driving. it was a shorter drive, and also it is hard to focus on your talks when you have to focus on the road. so might get best talks while sitting in parked car somewhere. but it is still fun and great and awesome and a great idea and i plan on doing a lot more.

yep. you should start doing voice recordings too. then listen to them. and think of ways you can become a better speaker. you don’t need to talk to other people to do this. in fact it is by yourself where you can build the confidence to be a good speaker with other people. people that matter, like frands, employers, and b1tches. DO IT. it is the best thing i’ve done in weeks.


june 15

so i might make one desperate final stand for luv in life, reach out and contact girl8 and see if she is open to meeting, if not, AT LEAST I TRIED. Ideally I could meet her at a central meeting place like 50 miles away and we could have True Luvsechs in a hotel room for hours and then go back to our homes at the end of the end, I would secure her Luv, and use her Luv and hot bod to motivate me to get a Bigboy job in her area, then move out there, make money, and Get Married to her. because although I luv my workingclass area, her middle class area has prob got better jobs.

so how am i supposed to get one of those jobs. wouldn’t it be easier for her to get a job here than for me to get a job there? well if she wants to do that, I won’t stop her, hehehehe.

no she does not have a phd from hypsm or ivy, not even a masterz! Nope she just was happy with the mere bachelors degree and got a sweet job with the university, like i would luv to have.  great health care, they DOUBLE your 401k contribution, prob a union too so you can’t get laid off, etc. great job 4 lyfe.

would LUV to work there, but by now I’m kind of seeing it as Out Of My League, just like Girl8 is Out Of My League, and I will be forever doomed to sh1tty jobs and even sh1ttier women. I can accept the jobs because you gotta have a job, but you DON’T HAVE to have a wimmin, and I will not accept a Lame Wimmin, meaning someone I am not totally 100% in luv with; hey it has happened 8 times in my life so why should I settle for a woman where it doesn’t happen??

like NotQuiteGirl9C, who is a very nice person but who i am DEF not in LUV with the same way i was with gurls 1 thru 8, and certainly have no desire to get physical with, whereas with a true luv girl, I would get DISGUSTINGLY physical with. the perfect blend of emo and physical. which is why i coined the term True Luvsechs. I.E.,  Sechs which fully embodies (pun intended) True Luv.

how about u?

i Literally have nothing to lose. either she can say yes or no. in fact 99.9% chance she will say no. so you’re saying i have a chance, hahahaha.

i mean I really SHOULD do this. there are literally no neg consequences other than her not responding, or saying no. she can’t put me in jail. she can’t get me fired. she can’t blacklist me from other wimmin. and she prob won’t contact me, we all know it is up to the man to make the first move. i was kinda hoping she might contact me if our mutual friend contacts her on my behalf and or tags a picture of me on FB that she might see. he knows damn well that I am very interested in her. I told him I wanted to marry her and have FIVE children with her.

which is not far off from the truth!

so I took about 15 small puffs of wiid on the vacation. no more than one or two SMALL puffs at a time.  never got Too H1gh, which was perfect. exercised great self control there.

but i want to wait a few more days, get it all out of the system, then I am just gonna march down to the temp office, wear muh dress pants, and explain the situation.

also: make a One Sheeter for job search as well. One Sheeters is the Thing of 2014.

i used to have a search box filled with 9000 terms:

“assistant OR clerk OR entry OR technical OR full-time OR will train OR agent OR analyst OR operator OR data entry OR junior OR level 1 OR company A OR company B or chess coach or english tutor or tutor or math tutor or paraprofessional or substitute teacher or classroom assistant or program assistant or technical support or research assistant or administrative assistant or oil refinery or climber or welder or electrician or hvac”

and, until recently, I thought The Long Search Term was the way to find ALL possible jobs.

Now I am thinking break it down again. have a separate search for one job. and 9000 diff searches.

but on my one sheeter I will write out that 9000 job list so I don’t forget to make searches for any of them.

also might put a one line inspirational quote on my res. this is the superres of size 8 font, .2 inch margins, and everything i have ever done in my life.

i figure once i get to entry level and am trying to move BEYOND entry level to second level, then I can use a more focused res. but right now I am at least 30 years old, manny years out of college, and STILL trying to find an entry level job that I don’t quit or get laid off from, hehehehe.

while on my social adventure one of the guys said something in reference to another guy’s 16 year old brother, who had no interest in life except to play vidya games all day erry day. no job, no interest in gurls or skool, just vidya. would not shower etc. he said the kid was still young enough to be fixed, but once you HIT 25 YOU GET SET IN YOUR WAYS and you’re pretty much UNFIXABLE. so break his computer NOW, force him outside NOW, because if you get to 25, you’re unfixable, and you cannot break your old bad habits.

heh. I have lately often considered this, ie, your brain takes until the late age of 25 to stop growing, so i was thinking you should never do alcohol or drugs before then. and you do have more energy and creativity then. so you should try to have the basic foundations of your life well in place by 25. of course i did not and now i am paying the price hehehe.

anyway this blog is more for people OVER 25, where it seems SUPER hopeless. well there is hope. you don’t HAVE be under 25 to fix yourself.

anywhere my heart kinda sank when the guy said that, because of course i am a huge loser, and well over 25, and want to have some hope of changing myself.

heh. some trueluvsechs would help that. motivator. reinforcenment. carrot. reward. everything from mere cuddling and making out with gurl8, to full blown perversions with her butt. it’s all good. but it has to be gurl8 or someone where that Luv Switch is SWITCHED ON. jeez. talk about PEDESTALITIS! ONEITIS!

well I do know that Oneitis can happen for at LEAST 8 people in your life. so it’s not technically oneitis.


tues july 9 2013

real quick. this blog is becoming an Energy Sink, so I am grateful I took a “Much-needed break” past few days. Heh. I barely have enough energy to get a haircut or buy clothes.

Today wanted to “share” a few notable vidyas with yall.

* Look for helpful vidyas on youtube. I like to download them as mp3s and then listen to them as I Powerwalk or before Bed. LOT better than watching trash tv.

OK this is Stephen Ilardi, Author of “The Depression Cure.” I found a pdf version of that book and it’s pretty good, willing to straight up buy the proper book from amazon:

prob the best “depression” book I’ve read in the past year or even 2 years. I recommend.

anyway here’s his vidya, where he summarizes alot of the stuff from the book, in a very charismatic and fun way:

he really sold me on the idea of fish oil / omega 3’s, and his paleo-friendly ways.

* great point he makes: that our crazy modern world has us in a state of CONSTANT FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE. This response is MEANT to only last a few minutes, not days and months and years, and when it does, it quite logically turns into mad anxiety and depression.

* Aboriginal Societies have a much, much, lower rate of depression than Western Societies. Heh. I would almost trade our Longer Life Span for that! something like 1 out of 10 or even 1 out of 5 for Us, versus 1 out of 2000 for them.

* the human body and mind was NOT designed to enjoy exercise, ie, WORKING OUT AT THE GYM. But Paleo People were in good physical shape because they walked around all day and prob did some moderate lifting. But they didn’t have “EXERCISE”, they just called it “LIVING!” When they had free time, they didn’t spend it EXERCISING, they spent it laying around lazily!

* But yeah, we are in fight or flight all the time because of our Precarious Employment, all the competition we have to do just to get a Upper Working Class job, Debts, Loans, Materialistic Society, Enslaved by Plutocrats, Paycheck to Paycheck, no security, no stability, Wimmin pressuring you to live above your means, unmasculine men giving in to these unreasonable, suicidal demands; a young generation GENOCIDED because they are BRAINWASHED into thinking they not only HAVE to go to college, but they have to take out 50k in loans to do it as quickly as possible; and their loved ones don’t try to stop them.

* heh of course ilardi doesn’t talk about all that, that’s just my POlitical opinion of his implication that depression has “civilizational” causes, hahahaha.…7278.11092.0.11399.…0.0…

dam hope my ip address is not in there, haha. couple of vidyas of him, note to self, watch.

the other vidya that stood out for me:

Charles Raison, psychiatrist? TED Talk. bathing the entire brain in a bath of serotonin is probably not the best treatment. some areas of the brain will shut down serotonin when bathed with serotonin.

depression is not just a “brain disease” but a holistic body, mind, society, civilization, family, inner, outer condition. (IMHO I don’t like using the word “disease”. Big Pet Peeve IMHO.)

Some Interesting connections/correlations with Body Temperature and Skin Temperature, something about how heat on your skin might produce serotonin in the proper part of the brain.

study where severely depressed people were put into a sauna / sweat lodge / heat room and experienced some improvement.

He goes out of his way to mention most aboriginal / paleo people have some kind of sweat lodge.

I personally LOVE Saunas, I extolled them in another post, and I should prob extol them in EVERY post. I LUV saunas and I can TOTES see how this could work. If for nothing more than the feeling of relaxation, calming, meditation, detoxing.

Hope they continue this Sauna Research.

* Build your own Sauna. Like a Treadmill, this is a Big Ticket Item that I believe will pay off in the long run. Re your health and the quality of your life. Instead of your “wife” making you buy a 625k house, “buy” a 620k house and a 5k sauna hahahahahaha.

* Although the sauna is prob MOST useful during the grim, godless, bleak winter, I think it would also be Bretty Good during the summer!

* never heard of this raison guy. possible MD psychiatrist at U of Arizona?

* Heh. some people have depression and are NOT lazy, like these stories of people who reached great success yet they were secretly Severely Depressed. Me, I was always too lazy to do the years of hard, perfect work required to be successful, so now I am not successful at all. No status, no great income, no great career prospects, bad attitude, omega male, I am basically one small step up from a NEET. I have an Underjob Underemployment, and I am slogging through Moar Skool Slowly and with no direction, interest, engagement, success, just want to give up. Heh. But my Underjob separates me from REAL NEETs, Thank GOD.

* Heh. These PhDs and MDs with their sweet academic jobs should do some research on The Neet Subculture and how to Treat the Depression of Lazy Losers like us, and how to Change Our Bad Attitudes and Bad Habits into Good Attitudes and Good Habits. Calling Drs Ilardi and Raison and whoever else! Or your “poor” Grad Students! DO A f00KING DISSERTATION / RESEARCH PROGRAM ON NEETS AND R9kS! WE ARE AN UNTAPPED GOLDMINE! GOLDMINE!