started getting some horribly unhealthy, immoral, illegal thoughts last night regarding the pain and agony and suffering and anger and dissapointment and possibly hatred!

and i thought i was getting over it or at least starting to! whats the deal with these horrible thoughts! i mean they were terrible, the type of thing that makes you wonder, are you a bad evil person, even to THINK thoughts like this is evil! and then it shows even decent human beings, which i try to be, can be capable of great evil. well who knows if i would be CAPABLE of it. however it looks like i am capable of thinking of it!

the priest was talking about luv in his homily today, said that even though he was CELIBATE that he had known the pain of luv back in the day, hopefully not with a little boy hahahahaha.

anyway he said with luv, we never say “thats enough.” it flows from within eternally and ceaselessly like GODS love for us. we could not make GOD stop loving us. so if we decide that our love for a person has a limit, like we say, yep thats enough, i dont want to love them any more than this, or they say to us, thats enough, i dont want to be luved that much, then, according to the priest who has a PhD in Theology, and i would agree with him, that “that relationship is in jeopardy.”

basically i luved my female friend, she said THATS ENOUGH, and then our rel was in serious jeopardy.

it would have been much better “karma” to just talk about it though.

i mean she said NO to me in the WORST POSSIBLE WAY.

theres a good way and a bad way to reject a person. the good way is, its not you its me, its over now, im so sorry. the bad way is to just disappear without saying a word. well add that to the list of experiences.

so yeah i am angry at her because there are a MILLION better ways to reject someone, and she did the worst possible way.

also i am scared because as an MRA/MGTOW i am very cautious of women doing a 180 in the blink of an eye. one moment she is The Good Wife; the next she is gone, kidnapped your children, getting a No Fault Divorce, and taking Half Your Income for Life.

so as a good MRA, you look for Warning Signs and Tells and thoroughly vet the woman for signs of Personality Disorders, Mania, Borderline, Narcissism, Sociopath, Psychopath, Bipolar, etc.

and i did all that and she checked out and i TRUSTED her! she was one of the LEAST crazy women i had ever known!

and then to have her do a 180, do something i thought she would never think of doing to me, told me, i never knew her, my vetting process was wrong, i missed some kind of warning sign. OR MAYBE you cant even trust a woman that appears to be trustworthy.

i mean most women exclude themselves as trustworthy right off the bat. its not necessarily a bad thing, doesnt make them bad people, but makes them bad people to get into a rel with. like your dog is not a bad evil creature, but you wouldnt TRUST your dog not to eat a steak sitting out.

so i had no desire to get into a rel with most women cuz i could tell they couldnt be trusted. her, i was already in a KIND of rel with, i DID trust her, and then she drops a bomb on me like i am The Enemy.

when one person is begging the other please please please im sorry sorry sorry and they say GO AWAY!!!!

well she was obviously tired of my begging and constant apologizing.

heh i remember the time when i was actually saying sorry sorry sorry to her because we were having an awkward conversation at work, which i attributed to yet another stressful confusing day for me, and she said GO AWAY. LEAVE. that shocked me. that was a precursor to this.

i was hoping she would apologize for that. but of course i cam crawling back saying IM SORRY to make you mad at me. jeezum crow. and she never apologized. to her i was 100% at fault. i was the bad guy. i deserved this.

which is why i wanted her to talk to other people, they might give her a different perspective. OR they could just tell her he’s bad news, he doesnt deserve a conversation, he is a psycho weirdo, run away now.

so basically i was always apologizing and she was always angry at me. it was clear who held ALL the power. damn.

how could she be so heartless hahahaha what is that a kanye west song, what a degenerate.

and before that she was a kind and compassionate person. i didnt think she was capable of being so cold and heartless and really just BLIND to the situation. i didn’t think she was seeing it correctly. i wasnt trying to make her angry, i was trying to TALK to her.

i dunno i thought she would recognize her own role in this. i certainly did. i was apologizing more than i should have!!! but i certainly did have a role in it. but she was blameless and played no role. but i think she did. she could have met me halfway and said ok lets talk already. rather than avoiding communication. avoiding communication is her middle name.

so yeah i thought she was more Emotionally Mature than that. i mean shit i thought a person gains Emotional Maturity through the course of a 5 year relationship which she had with her first boifran. yet i never dated a gurl for more than 3 months and i have more Emotional Maturity than her!

honestly she seemed kinda RETARDED when it came to Relationships.

But arent MOST women, honestly?

of course they are!

I just thought she was DIFFERENT.

but yeah women are the ones who are always getting into Relationships, and have so many Emotions, you think they’d be better In Touch with their Emotions, with Relationships, Emotionally and Socially Intelligent. Well fook no, that’s INTELLIGENCE, that’s what MEN are and what women are absolutely NOT. Men are many times more Emotionally and Socially INTELLIGENT than women, even if women are more emotional and social than men. doesnt mean they are smart or mature about it. thats why there is always social and emotional DRAMA with women. they cant HANDLE the shit.

i wanted to HANDLE it like a mature adult. of COURSE she couldnt HANDLE handling it like that.

ok maybe not ALL women are like that, but i thought she was one of those women who was not like that! and she turned out to be just as stupid and ridiculous and awful and shitty as every other shitty woman i’ve met!

its just stupid when they get into relationships, even super long term relationships, when they are not CAPABLE of doing so. they make the man do all the damn WORK and take all the damn responsibility. always a one way street with these bitches. that’s not an actual relationship! its master and slave bullshit! or maybe more like parent and baby. well that was the warning sign, she did not have a good rel with her father. i was just happy that did not make her a huge slut. i was so happy she was not a huge slut, i did not think there were any other ways for her to be horribly disappointing. i was wrong as always hahahahaha.

i think she would have tried to communicate if she were also in luv with me. she didnt make the guys she was in actual rels with do ALL the heavy lifting. oh she PRESENTED herself to THEM!

but i committed the CARDINAL SIN of breaking out of the rigid box she had put me in. i just just supposed to be the platonic friend, and when i stopped being that, i was the bad guy, and didnt deserve to be treated like a human, didnt deserve to be communicated with.

she didnt HAVE to react that way. she could have chose to communicate. she could have chose to realize that people change. she could have accepted my many invitations to talk about the tension that we BOTH noticed.

but yeah she USED to have sympathy/empathy for me and have some sort of regard for me. she cared about me somewhat. then she didnt care for me at all.

imagine if you are with your wife and you are just as in luv with her as ever, but she is bored with you and more interested in other guys cuz she just fell OUT of luv with you. its nobodys FAULT, its nothing you DID.

you think was it because i was BORING? because she didnt KNOW any other guys, and when she started meeting other guys, she reailzed how BORING i was?

like yep, nothing you could have done except be a more exciting, secsy person, to keep me from falling OUT of luv with you!

well, she never was IN luv with me. but she was at least friendly and nice and warm to me, and to have that disappear was painful. now i was no longer interesting and neat and fun, and other guys were. yet i hadnt really changed. well i guess i had. i was super stressed out by the ridiculous job, jealous of her because she wasnt as stressed out, and because she was nicer to other guys than to me. but thats her right. to stop liking me and start liking other people more. well what these feminist faggots dont realize is, this is very very painful to watch.

wah wah wah i was not treated fairly.

so i want HER to know that i feel i was not treated fairly? to communicate to her unequivocally “you wronged me?” or at least “i feel you did not treat me fairly?”

well i kinda said that, in a nicer way, in email4. bbbbut that was never read!

yeah i kinda DID/DO want to tell her i dont think you treated me fairly, show me some god damn respect please.

of course im not gonna do anything stupid after she has made her feelings clear!

but yeah people have been DOING EACH OTHER WRONG FOREVER. Its nothing NEW. its INEVITABLE. I just hadnt been done this wrong in a long, long, long time, and it was fooking DEVASTATING.

EVERYBODY GETS TREATED UNFAIRLY. and most times the person doing the unfair treatment never comes back and apologizes.

i am angry at her, and she is angry at me. we are both convinced that the other is More At Fault.

i apologized a million times. i apologized basically every time i saw her. i was open and willing and desperate and warm.

she apologized i dunno maybe once and not convincingly. she was closed and unwilling and cold.

having a back and forth conversation would be more FAIR i think.

i would say, “i dont think its FAIRIRIRIRIRIRIR wahahahahawahawhwwhwhhawaawaawwaw”

and she would say, YOUR the one being UNFAIR always being WEIRD to me and wanting to HANG OUT when i clearly dont want to, any normal person would back off, would stay away, but not you, you just kept being pushy and weird in an annoying weak wimpy way.

and i would say yeah i should have just blurted it out, but i feel you are dissing the importance and meaning of our past friendship

and she would say well YOU threw it all away once you started acting weird, it was over then

and i would say well i didnt REALIZE it was over, i was TRYING to FIX IT

and she would say, it couldnt BE fixed, couldnt you realize THAT

and i would say, well i thought you might want to fix it, i wanted to fix it, this is what adults do when they have a problem, they talk about it, even argue about it

and then we would have a big argument and i would feel RIGHTEOUS in hating her and in KNOWING that she was in the wrong and i was right!

but instead im having that simulated conversation in my imagination, long after the fact, and i will never know what she “would have” said.

i would say ok its fine if you dont like me back. but lets handle this like adults. or even mature teenagers. or people that dont want to hate each other in the future. this can be handled better. how would dr phil handle this. how would jeff van vonderen handle this.

we would each Say Our Piece/Peace, respond to each other, and then Agree To Disagree.