MJ IS NOT JUST A GOOD RELSHIP SIMULATOR, BUT A GOOD RELSHIP SUBSTITUTE

sept 29

went to my social event yesterday, saw some mudsharks, and they werent even bad or old or terrible looking. i mean they were bangable! two Cool Cat Black Guys at a table with THREE mudshark white women. UNBELIEVABLE. I mean i blame the women more than the blacks. the women are PICKING these blacks. they certainly dont HAVE to. I tried to memorize the women so I would know to STAY AWAY if I ever saw them on a Dating Website. shit yeah its rustling. and then I think, That Woman is a Mudshark like These whores. Damn. Is she Still a mudshark? did she learn her lesson and say I’ll never go back?

and it doesnt matter! it doesnt matter if she learned her lesson like a good girl, or continued being a negr0 fooking whore like these bad mudsharks!

and even being a mudshark doesnt make you a horrible person, it just means i wouldnt want to date you hahahahaha.

i mean women are so GULLIBLE, they can be persuaded and coerced into doing horrible things!!!!!!

and i am butthurt because they are SO gullible, yet I can’t convince them to committ to ME!!!!!! but these sleazy blacks can easily convince them!

did my 15 pushups today, got 3 apps done, did not go for powerwalk tho. will do one more app.

ok did one more. took forever. my average is steadily rising thru the 13 minute range and will soon get hit 14 hahaha. not that thats HORRIBLE or anything. but remember 1 minute on the average, times 500 applications, is 8 extra hours hehehehe.

had dream last night with a bunch of people i knew years ago and we were having a party in a college dorm hahahaha. which is a really weird envronment and i still have dreams in that environ fairly consistently. i was in one area and was talking to this gurl I remembered from GRADE SCHOOL who was qt and nice and I sorta regret not pursuing her even though I was only 13 years old at the oldest!!!!! and i had even LESS skillz than i do now hahaha. but she appears once in a great while in dreams. she was qt and nice and not a huge whore, and believe me, some gurls started being whores at age 13. if i knew what i was doing, i am very confident she would have been a good GF hehehe.

in the dream i was like just hang on and I will be back in like 20 minutes, i gotta visit my friends on the other floor, then i went there, and it was a sausage fest of pathetic beta men only, all getting raging drunk to escape their foreveraloneness and pretty much having fun doing it. I got swept up with them and they were all being nice and friendly to me and treating me like a guest of honor and it was real hard to get back to That Gurl, and I never did, and then I felt huge regret at having Blown My Chance.

the end hahahaha. because you only GET one chance with women hehehehehe.

stuff like marilyn manson i think represents the nihilism and degeneracy of My Generation, which is slightly too old to be full millennials, and note that millennials would rightfully think MM is stupid and silly. but when you are a young teen when “antichrist superstar” comes out and you want to rebel against stupid christian school, yeah it was perfect timing. unfort i could not see at the time that manson had no substance, no solution, it was just stupid phaggy bullshit. 3edgy5me stuff, and there were much better ways to be edgy than to rebel against White Christian Middle America.  But he is a great example of my age group and where we come from and kinda the canary in a coal mine that something is rotten but we really dont know what it is yet, so lets rant and rave and dress scary and get fooked up on drugs and say fook god and his slave religion!!!!!!!

so thats where i come from. a sense that things are gonna be fooked up, and were gonna rebel against it by being fooked up in the extreme opposite direction, but still a sense of total despair that this really DOES anything or fixes anything. theres no goal. the goal is oblivion and escape and good feels and muh dick and muh euphoria. cowardly and negroish.

the younger kids and millennials are a LOT more goal oriented and less nihilistic. but still degenerate from all the casual sex and cheating they do hahaha.

and what is MM now. a fat old irrelevant has been 50 year old hahahaha.

sez me who ust spent the last 45 minutes reading MM related wikis and learning that his last few albums were received rather well hahahaha.  well i wanted to see if he had mellowed out or matured any since the mid 90s. i guess he has actually.

ok sex is way easier to get than a real relship. EVEN for men.

so if you say youre a virgin people think youre weird, because sex is a low bar, easy to get, low price, even for men. certainly youve had cheap sex with some sluts right?

unless you have a valid reason, like im saving myself for marriage.

and i DID have a valid reason!!! I ALWAYS wanted to save myself for a marriage-like long-term serious monog relship with an official GF, and I didnt want to have quick secs with random sluts!

but i learned that I at least wasnt good at pulling even easy sluts. I know the theory of be masculine, confident, cocky, bold, brash, charming, charismatic, devil may care, but I just couldnt put that theory into practice, when even a damn negro could do that and pull muh white wimmin.

like right now i would take meaningless cheap slutsex…..but i’m finding that even THAT is very hard for me to get!!!!!

but yeah tbh i NEVER wanted to bang sluts, even while i was horny af, and jerking off to degen pron every day, and saying ooooh i wish i could bang these qt college gurls i see every day but im too sissy. EVEN THEN, at the depths of my degeneracy, what I really WANTED was to have a real GF and bang HER, rather than bang random sluts.

“well thats a false dichotomy, people go through stages, those random sluts end up being someones GF at some point, etc”

WRONG hahahaha well I wouldnt want them to be MY gf because once a slut always a slut. once a cheater always a cheater. once a murderer always a murderer. once a mudshark always a mudshark.

QUOTE

[–]Dolomite808 -19 points 8 hours ago
Honestly, she doesn’t owe him shit. Sure it would be nice, but she doesn’t owe it to him.
That said, I don’t think OP should wait around for her. Just as she needs to do what is right for her, he needs to do what is right for him.
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[–]methuser69 21 points 7 hours ago
Right, in the same way that if my wife is sick and wants me to make her breakfast, I don’t owe her shit and I don’t have to do it. She wants me to watch the kids once a month so she can go to her book club? Too bad, don’t owe her shit. This is not how disagreements in relationships work, who cares what is “owed”, in a healthy relationship your partners’ problems are your problems and this is a serious one. What the hell is the value of this comment?
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END

FROM

this is exactly the point i always try to make about “owing” and “entitlement.” No, you’re not ENTITLED to anything, but it would be NICE if the person you thought cared about you treated you with respect and dignity and communicated with you, and gave you some kind of sign of good faith or good will.

because this weird crazy gurl wants to be celibate for a year but can’t explain why. and YES the explanation DOES matter, despite what some dumb woman says in the thread about the explanation not really mattering. yes it DOES matter. it would at least give some perspective and show that your gf can THINK and COMMUNICATE about big decisions.

how do these people get masters degrees, and make 50k a year where making decisions and communicating is a big part of doing your job, but they cant explain to their bf why they want to deny him secs for a year?

well this gurl is a little younger, but in 5 years she will be a masters degree career professional.

heh reading r/relships does not make me dislike women any less. because what they say and what they do is so vastly different. usually this is a good reason not to like somebody………but its just the way women ARE. so its HARD to like women. because you dont like PEOPLE whos actions dont match up with their words, but you have to accept thats a MALE thing. just like being rational, logical, being racially aware, being political, caring about honor, being consistent, being loyal, being loving and good and moral and mature hahahahaha. women just arent CAPABLE of these things. dont hold them to such unrealistic standards. but DAMN is is ANNOYING to hear them TALK and give their OPINIONS. if you actually listened to them, took them seriously, and did what they said, they’d lose all respect for you and dump you hahahahahaha. like doing the shit they bitch guys out for on this sub. “Like, literally listen to her and respect her feelings.” shit. if a guy actually did that, they would lose all respect for him and dump him.

sept 30

but yeah, /relships would be a lot better without the stupid women giving their stupid women opinion on stupid drama. even the antigun leftist shitlib men are more logical and less annoying than these confident women who think they are smart and funny. a confident woman is the most annoying obnoxious rude bitch ever hahahahaha.

i prefer unconfident women so i can control and manipulate and dominate and abuse them hahahahahahahahaha

NO, i really dont want to ABUSE women. i just want a woman that respects me and wants to be with me and makes any EFFORT with me rather than just saying welp im done with him!

but i also see tons of dumb women putting up with a LOT worse than me!!! and not immediately walking out on that guy! sometimes its an issue of the guy being weak and clingy too! and they dont immediately leave!!!!

she doesnt OWE it to you to work on shit. she doesnt OWE it to you to stop banging other guys, you controlling clingy creeper. she doesnt OWE it to you to try to be nice to you. she doesnt OWE it to you to not throw you away like a piece of garbage and break your heart haahahhahaha and you are the bad guy if you get upset by it.

no jk youre not the bad guy if you get upset by it, but youre the bad guy if you say pleeeeeeeeaaaase just talkkkkkkk toooo meeeeeeeee please respond!!!!!! hehehehe.

tbh i am doing a lot better regarding HER than i was, much better than i was, but i am in a pretty bad state regarding my own confidence and being able to be a normal adult. NO confidence in my ability to do a job or get a woman. feel totally unworthy and unable. but at least i am getting over HER hahahaha. but im not fully over here. probably take another 6 months, where i will be in a woman hating phase too hahahaha.

no i think i said feb 1 2017 was my deadline.

logic is not manipulation you dumb B’s!!!!!

when you dump a guy one day and then beng a guy the next day, yes that IS wrong in ALL situations ya dumb B’s! because youre broken up, so it doesnt matter. bullshit.  take at LEAST a month before fooking or even dating other guys.

anyway. what i wanted to say today is that i look back and i am EMBARRASSED at the way i acted. like shit. it was SO OBVIOUS, but i couldnt see it at the time. just let her go, shes not into me, just back away. why couldnt i do that??!?!?!?! why was I such a pathetic omeega clingy creeper? because i was in luv with her and these feelings really compromised me in every way possible. but in hindsight it is really embarrassing.

but it didnt HAVE ulterior motives! it was important for me to have her understand that.

of course i can see how it would look ike ulterior motives.

basically i dont want to be the little maniplating nice guy bitch like the stupid xkcd comic “friends.”

but i didnt have ulterior motives. my feelings changes midway through, then i started acting different, and she noticed that, but i was too scared to come out and say it.

so yeah i guess i learned a lesson: blurt it out after like 1 month rather than waiting 10 months.

but yeah i just want to DEFEND myself too: i wasnt denying or pretending anything. i was acting like i liked her. i just was too scared to state that directly “i like you.” but i was TOTALLY acting like a schoolgirl with a Big Crush and I AM confident that she noticed that.

it wasnt like she asked me, do you have feelings for me, and i said no! if she HAD asked me I would have said YASSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eli the computer guy says he is NOT jooish. should we believe him? hahahaha.

he is a pretty good guy and i dont WANT him to be jooish, IMHO. i would PREFER that he was white. but its hard to tell with him. the beard, the name. but i wish i had a guy like this when i was struggling at a tech job. lots of people apparently feel the same way. cuz he is good. explains stuff well, in a world where explanations are hard to come by.

anyway to work in Tech you need to be an Abrasive Thick Skinned Asshole who thinks theyre smarter than everybody else and is a Dick All The Time, and is Super OVerly Confident. Obviously I am none of these things!!!!!

Tech is for Nerds, but not meek wimpy nerds, but Tough Dickhead Asshole Nerds!

also I never really loved TECH. I just managed to get a tech job because they hired ANYONE, and also i am probably in the 61% percentile of tech savvy. which was more than enough to get that job. but i was not a thick skinned asshole. thats for sure! if i were then i would have survived. also i prob would have gotten a gf by age 25 at the latest hahaha.

did muh pushups today. got muh 1 app in. did not eat a too large brunch hehehe. got some stuff done by 1:35 pm.

why does GOD want me to be a loser? why does GOD want me to never meet a nice woman, or to work a survivable job? is GOD trying to TOUGHEN ME UP so that I become strong enough to do these things? WELL ITS NOT WORKING! I AM ALMOST 35 YEARS OLD AND CANNOT GET A WOMAN OR SURVIVE A JOB!

Its kinda like assholes that think they know what they’re doing and they dont, and they confuse the difference between desensitization and flooding, when trying to “fix” their friend or BF or GF of a bad habit or phobia.

if someone is scared of snakes, you dont dump them in a pit of snakes. that is flooding and that will give them a panic attack and maybe a damn heart attack and kill them.

it doesnt take a GENIUS to understand this distinction!!!!!!!! its pretty OBVIOUS!!!!!!!

what you want to do is GRADUAL, incremental, baby steps desensitization. have them be in a room with a small snake. then have them touch a small snake. etc etc.

well going months and years without smoking MJ has taught me that I certainly dont NEED MJ……but by god do I WANT it. right now I WANT it. sheeit last time i smoked MJ a few weeks ago, i didnt even really LIKE it because i felt socially incompetent and anxious. but i still wanted to have my own MJ and smoke it by myself. and that is what i want right now, or really any time i want it. I dont want to take it with other people ever, just alone. unless it is one on one and I get along REALLY well with the person. but not in a group of like 4 or more people.

after a ruff day of work it was PERFECT. I would smoke some, then listen to some chill music, and then start studying work shit, to better prepare and understand. then smoke some more and go to bed and ideally get some good rest (whcih the mj def helped with!!!!) for another big long stressful day tomorrow.

oh yeah millennial woes tshirt on the way.

but yeah MJ can give me those Warm Fuzzies kinda similar to what a woman does……with the added benefit of its MUCH more available than a woman. its a woman for when i cant get a woman, which is always. a great GF SUBSTITUTE. Not just a good relship simulator, but a decent relship SUBSTITUTE!

awww yeah. just had 450th job app. perfect job. day shift M-F job at hospital that always rejects me and called me in for one abortive pseudo-interview. why do i keep applying here. because they have reasonable sounding entry level jobs and they are a huge employer in the area. and that is really all the reason anyone needs!

but yeah pretty sure they are strongly antigap hahaha. i guess thats their right. whatever. bitches.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/white-women-volunteering-at-calais-having-sex-with-multiple-migrants-per-day/55556

heheheh i am pretty close to anglin re my view on women. i just have no evidence to believe they are capable of making good decisions independently. even white women. white women left to their own devices WILL throw white men under the bus in favor of ooga booga strongman nonwhite migrant thugs because who is more MASCULINE. who shows more RAW POWER. women just dont CARE about race. it’s up to MEN to secure the white race. white women will just mate with the strongest man, and white men need to BE the strongest men.

WOMEN WANT TO BE CONTROLLED BY MEN WHO DONT PUT THEM ON A PEDESTAL!!!!!

This is why they are often with abusers! because abusers DONT GIVE A FOOK!

You/we/me need to also not give a fook!!!!!

some woman youre in love with, being used by negros and kebabs as a KVM BUCKET!!!!!!!

SHE WANTS TO BE DOMINATED!!!!!!

heh i am just angry because That Woman was a Beginner Mud Shark and she was a nice gurl and not a fat ugly trash and she might even stop being a mud shark. but anyway this triggers me when people say “who cares, the mud shark women are all fat ugly trash whores” because i know they are not.

so, maybe pretend you are a big tough abuser, but you dont actually have to abuse the women.

…..but maybe if you smack them ONCE, its a great return on investment, because she will be super faithful to you, and since you’re not REALLY an abuser, its not like you have to KEEP smacking and beating her.

because youre not a trashy nonwhite brute, you feel pretty bad about beating women, like you can’t bring yourself to do it.

this is why i am such a fan of spanking women. you give them a smack in a really very harmless way, you show her you wont tolerate her misbehavior, you show youre not afraid to smack her, but youre not REALLY beating or abusing her, and she rewards you with love and loyalty and effort.

i would have LOVED to spank That Woman, but…….you cant really spank a woman youre not fooking.

but its not hard to fook women! they fook men theyve JUST met!!!!!

then you can spank them, then they wont dump you, then they will stick around long enough for it to be a real rel!

but yeah basically i wasnt at the point where I COULD spank her. but its not hard to get to that point. once youve banged them, you can pretty much do whatever you want with their body hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha with their consent of course. and you can bang a gurl within 2 hours of meeting her.

anyway. basically, if a gurl doesnt have a GOOD FATHER, stay away. or at least never get feels for her or use her as more than a practice gurl. actually if you treat her like garbage she might be GOOD to you! so i dunno.

i think about these other sluts that dumped me, the one her parents were divorced, but she seemed to get along well with her father, had a good rel. respected and liked her father. well maybe her father let her get away with being a negro fookin slut and ddnt care, cuz they were joos.

but STILL i cant imagine even a jooish father not caring if his daughter to be a slut!!!!!!!

well she didnt SEEM like a slut though, and wasn’t a HUGE slut, just a SMALL slut. so the father prob just didnt know.

but yeah. spanking. its such a GREAT IDEA. it gives me HOPE and is a candle in the darkness of despair. seriously. i mean there are some bad guys out there that will punch a woman right in the face. i could never do that. i couldnt even open handed slap a woman in the face. but a spanking seems very doable. if your woman is distant and does not respect you or communicate with you, SPANK HER.

how much? i dunno. a decent amount. you dont want her to forget it. i dunno. 30 times. 1488 times.

you try treating women like human beings cuz your a man, thats how you treat everyone, and then they treat you in a way that you thought no human being could treat another human being. and then women on relship forums tell woman haters like you that you should, like, you know, maybe treat women as, like, you know, actual literal human beings, you controlling clingy creeper??!!?!!

before 2010 it was cool and rebellious to be liberal. now it is cool and rebellious to be conservative. and i think that is great. teens are much more conservative and alt right, while their parents are baby boomer shitlibs. children way more conservative than their parents. this is awesome. shit, children even more conservative than their GRANDPARENTS. i love it. this gives me hope for the future. that and spanking women hahahahahaha.

took a valium where normally i would take a nyquil. but i am getting over nyquil, it just makes you so slow the next day, its not worf it m8. even WEED doesnt do that.

i also hate how that viceland weediquette streetshitter krishna calls it WEED WEED WEED all the time. way to make your drug sound legitimate, degen. shit. even when he talked to this old bearded swami hippie, the old guy told him dont call it WEED call it CANNABIS. And I agreed with the old degen. WEED just SOUNDS degen. words matter hahahaha. language matters.

anyway this valium doesnt seem to be doing anything. although i am drinking coffee too hehehehe. i mean i drink coffee all day long.

she doesnt OWE it to you to stop talking to and texting her X regularly. were just friends now.

i just cant understand or relate to this at all. if i talked to HER regularly still, it would because i still wanted her.

and now that women know what “gaslighting” is, they are convinced that every is gaslighting. no, sometimes you just have no idea what the hell is going on!!!!!!! you completely misunderstand and you shut down all communication that would help you understand!!!! you dont WANT to understand!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT, ONLY HALF

sheeeeit

sept 24

what i dont like about medical MJ is that you get put on a State List. that law enforcement and WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE can get access too. employers doing background checks? fedgov? aren’t background checks done BY law enforcement?

also if you have an MJ card, you CANNOT technically legally own a Firearm/Pistol. (what about a hunting rifle?)

you have to officially send back and revoke your MJ card if you want to legally own a firearm.

i have lived in two different worlds, one where owning a gun is UNTHINKABLE, and another where owning a gun is PERFECTLY NORMAL, NO PROBLEM MAN. And I personally much prefer the latter hahahahaha. its WEIRD that people can take SUCH HORRIFIED OFFENSE to the MERE IDEA of owning a GUN. but believe me, they absolutely DO. they are DISGUSTED at the very IDEA that people – working class, uneducated, trump supporting, WHITE people – even CAN own guns.

so youd think there wouldnt be a lot of MJ card holders who ALSO even WANT to own guns…..but youd be surprised! in the normie real world, people do have a healthy apprecation of their 2nd amendment rights hahaha and i cant blame them! so do i!

in other words, I SHOULD get a gun, but I’m too lazy and keep putting it off and havent done it yet because i;m too lazy to comply with the law and jump thru the hoops and do the paperwork and talk to the police.

anyway i REALLY dont want to have my name on a state list for something that is federally ILLEGAL .

also REALLY what are they REALLY doing about driving and MJ in legal states? like DUI arrests? i havent heard SHIT about that, but Im SURE its a big thing.

well, ive heard a little bit about the market for MJ breathalyzer tech. and i agree. i would not mind investing in such a company. i wish i could just invest 20 bucks hehehehe.

google invest in MJ breathalyzer

http://www.theweedblog.com/no-one-should-invest-marijuana-breathalyzer-company-stock/

best clickbait title ever hehehehe

we arent sure the tech really works! they can short the stock!

i mean shit. i just want to invest 20 to 50 bucks. but one simply cannot do that.

http://www.cannabixtechnologies.com/investors.html

hehehehe

i guess i could use one of those trading websites? maybe? to buy stock in this canadian company?

i might make enough on a 20 dollar investment to pay for the FEE on the trade! but probably not hahahaha. i would be better off putting the money in the BANK to get .1% interest.

anyway it strikes me as NAIVE AS FOOK that all these pro-legalization MJ people and MJ has 0 recorded fatalities in history maaaaaan, completely bury their head in the sand regarding MJ related car crashes, even though they would certainly take huge notice to alcohol related car deaths!!!!

methinks the local police would make JUST AS MUCH OR MORE revenue arresting people for MJ DUI than they did arresting people for MJ possession and dealing etc back in the day.  I WONDER.

even WORSE, many MJ advocated think alcohol DUI is immoral and disgusting, but they think its JUST FINE to drive under the influence of MJ. “oh i do it all the time, IT DOESNT IMPAIR YOUR DRIVING.”

bullshit hehehehehe. saying that as someone who has done it more than several times!

nonetheless i still want legal MJ so i can go into the store and buy some!

but employers are STILL gonna test for it! and companies who random testing of all their employees will STILL do that!

but i do agree that MJ test needs to be developed that tells you WHEN the person last blazed. 1 day ago? 1 hour ago?

and also measures exactly HOW IMPAIRED you are.

heh. this is pretty much why i drank. because it was fun. recreation. it blocked out the negative feels. could get stupified. kinda the very similar reason i want to sm0ke MJ!!!!!!!!!!

basically, if i hadnt totally screwed up with alcohol, I would probably be drinking right now!!!!

and then i would probably drink to excess and get in trouble. like i did. it was basically inevitable.

heh. i dont abuse nyquil simply because it isnt as fun! you cant get totally out of your mind on nyquil, if you do, the aceto will K you!

i guess i could just take a bunch of sleeping pills that have no aceto hehehehe.

then you are tired all the next day, kind of a big hangover.

alcohol has a TERRIBLE hangover, but its ALMOST worth it. it isn’t, but its easy to convince yourself it is!

and then you have a terrible hangover the entire next day hahahaha.

maybe i should go to the black ghetto and try to buy MJ from some shady looking thug on the street hahahaha.

ctrl f does not work on the chrome bookmarks page.

it does, but only on the current SCREEN. if you have a list of 1000 bookmarks, its only gonna search the 30 bookmarks or so that are on the screen without scrolling.

yes there is a separate search box, but that does not highlight the results, so you dont know where to find it in the NORMAL list.

but of course on regular webpages, ctrl f searches stuff on the whole page. because heads would roll if it didnt. that is a feature request the devs simply could not ignore. the users would come and crucify poor level 1 phone monkeys.

white women acting like muh dick negro apes. its disgusting. have a longer time preference. have less of a desperate need for instant gratification. muh dick. muh uterus. muh cl1toris. muh tingles.

since i am on NO social media, i FORGET how ANNOYING average regular normie women are on social media. facebook, twitter, and, my point right now, stuff like okcupid and i assume tinder. dating social media. the things they say and the way they present themselves is annoying as fook. unattractive. disgusting. lip curling. you say good lord, what a terrible annoying personality, but i guess id fook that body. which is a degen negro way of thinking of course!

i guess just keep in mind women come across as more unlikeable than they are in RL, as they do on Social Media.

in other words, tell yourself, she’s PROBABLY more likeable in real life. probably. less annoying than she seems here.

cuz i remember when i used to look for women on okcupid, after like 15 minutes, i would get discouraged and think THIS is what i have to pick from? i guess i will have to settle for negro muh dickin cuz none of these women are rel worthy. i will never find a woman i actually like, and its prob better to settle for degen negro casual sex and have SOME contact and experience and fun with women, than be celibate the rest of muh life pining for some perfect angel!

this was the some nihilistic mindset i had before i got feels for That Woman. welp, i will never get feelings for a woman again, but i GUESS I would be pretty happy with meaningless casual negro sex, thats good enough. get a harem of 10 gurls, i could be happy with that. its not like im getting any now anyway. just bang bitches and maybe one day meet a decent one but dont COUNT on it. dont get disappointed when you dont find that.

yesh this is pretty degen, and that degen is a lot easier to see when you take into account your new goal of Having Children. you want the mother of your children to be a god damn whore? to ask the question is to answer it!

so yeah thats the difference between now and 2012. in 2012 i didnt really care about having children, in 2015 i do. that also makes the dumping harder. and makes it harder to settle for meaningless, nihilistic, degenerate muh dick transactional “relationships.”

i mean in 2012 i was still pretty darn pro white, mind you!

i refer to 2012 because that was the last dumping/heartbreak. which was not nearly as bad. oh life was good then. i got heartbroken but i still had an easy job and i didnt quit it. i didnt have a 14 month and growing gap on muh resume. i had a new female friend i got along with which proved to me that women were normal human beings and that I Had What It Takes to Get Along with Them.

yep just break it into little chunks. do one application a day. then 500 days & applications later, you might have a job hahahaha.

prob closer to 600 hahahaha.

well i did 4 applications today, 3 at this one company where it went REALLY quick, like 5 minutes each. simply had to upload muh resume (in my case, the 10 page behemoth document) 3 times and just changing the name of the job in the cover letter. which is prob bad because i need to do MOAR TAILORING of the cover letter than just the damn job title. but why im the BEST candidate for this IT department job or that Scheduling department job or That HR department job.

how does that woman do it. how does ANY normie do it. how are you the best at something that pays 13 an hour or above.

how come 80% of all jobs posted are not entry level jobs? they should hire from within! where are the entry level jobs posted? or are they not posted, and they all go thru temp agencies? but many temp agencies POST these jobs. and indeed i am very close to going down that route. just as long as it isnt doing tech support phones. where i have to beg and argue to get something escalated. shit if i could escalate on my own authority, that wouldnt be super bad. some places you can. you go over 20 minutes, then boom you have blanket permission. of course they will prob try to fire you because you go over 20 minutes to much and escalate too many cases “due to time.” well then hire some dumb 85 iq negro and see if THEY fix it in under 20 minutes. well they’ll just bullshit to get the person off the phone in 19 minutes without solving the issue. and that’s fine. THAT’s ok. leave the problem unsolved, as long as its less than 19 minutes. i hate that mindset.

sept 25

on EVERY website its pretty easy to FLAG or REPORT something to the moderators.

but not on INDEED! for example, a big financial services company (bank?) with a listing on indeed, sounds like a decent entry level job, but the apply link takes you to this other site, and that site looks kinda fishy, and makes you think it’s not really the company it says on indeed.

maybe its a temp job at that company. well they should say that. i mean this is essentially a fancy swiss bank and i would HOPE they would contract with more professional people.

also, if you can only get entry level jobs at big companies thru AGENCIES (for example, assembly line jobs with major big manufacturers)…………… how do you find out WHICH agency to apply to to find the jobs at Company A or B or C?

ok on that kriegsmaschine prism i linked a little while ago, that is NOT the same awesome mgla drummer as mgla has now. it is actually the mgla drummer they had BEFORE him….who is still pretty darn good! this guy also played on the “altered states of divinity” lp.

basically, im trying to say, kriegsmaschine changed a LOT over the years, and i probably prefer the older, blastier stuff. there is no blasting on their 2014 album with the genius mgla drummer darkside. which is a SHAME because he is an amazing drummer and i WANT to hear him blast like a madman. he does it occasionally with mgla, so i dont think he considers himself above it. there are also normie pictures of him on facebook and he is HANDSOME! I bet he has NO problem getting a qt innocent polish trad waifu!!!! jelly!!!!!

 

here is another polish bm band i should be paying a lot more attention to. including fast blasts, great drummer, good production, and lots of melodic riffs, and a sense of “creativity” and “original style.”

yeah ive known about them for like 2 years but never really gave them a fair listen. new music takes a lot of effort but this group seems to be worth it.

i mean there is SO MUCH BLACK METAL going on in poland right now, its AMAZING, its not just graveland only anymore folks. its possible poland is the #1 black metal country in the world right now. which makes me very happy since poland is one of my favorite countries period, always will be.

 

on this earlier album they sound a little more black metally maybe hahaha. not so postmodern and hipster hahahahaha.

 

ok i am tired of metal for the day. i want to listen to something chill. for some reason i came to this album. it is described as “post rock slowcore” but we will see. rather phaggy sigur ros style singing. which is not inherently bad. i mean who am i to crap on “agaetis byrjun”. i am not informed enough to tell if this is a blatant sigur ros ripoff or not.

 

i am looking for some slow chill kinda “SAD BASTARD” music. older red house painters would be perfect but RHP reminds me too much of That Woman, so, no go. no can do little buddy.

baby steps. do one thing a day. one application a day.  baby steps. i only did 3.6 miles of walking today. but got under muh calorie goal of 1200, and also the whole week averaged under 1200 for all days. not that i even NEED to lose weight. but I lost about 18% of muh body weight starting in jan 2016 and it has been noticeable.

mazzy star and hope sandoval, their shtick is pretty obvious, and you will know right away if you like it or not. normally i hate everything about women, but i do like her voice hahahahaha. like when i used to listen to cat power hahahaha. no i cant crap on cat power. even if she is a marxist whore. so is hope sandoval probably hahahaha. they’re all race mixers mud sharks hahahaha.

like varg vikernes’ 23 year old beautiful daughter who i shudder to think how many brown guys shes sucked and fooked in britain and norway hahahahahahaha.

o god. well theres an internet rumor that this qt 23 year old norwegian singer is vargs daughter, and it is a fact that he has a 23 year old daughter from some random woman when he was very young.

and yeah i am troubled a bit by him being a “deadbeat father” to this gurl.

also we dont know for sure that this girl IS his daughter. but she kinda looks like him. I mean varg is a handsome man even though he looks old and haggard now. but he cleans up very well. and i would imagine his daughter would be 8/10 attractive hahahaha. i wont even say the gurls name because i dont want to contribute to the rumor.

but she likes miley cyrus and likes attention and likes dressing up and getting made up and i know varg wouldnt allow that if he were actually involved in the girls life. but he couldnt be, because he was in jail for most of her life!

i guess he got a women preggers right before he went to jail and the woman did the unnorwegian thing by not getting an abortion, so thats good…..i mean damn thats a hard situation. damn.

also, until varg comes out and says this girl is not my daughter, or she comes out and says varg is not my father, the rumor is actually pretty plausible!!!!!!!

but im glad varg married a young woman and had 4 or 5 children with her and is very involved with that family!!!!!

but yeah if this beautiful 23 year old girl IS his daughter, then I REALLY hope she hasn’t mudsharked, and what the hell would varg have to say about that.

i say this all as someone who is a fan of vargs music AND his pro-white ideology hehehehehe.

TIL that if you eat a huge bowl of special k cereal with 2 cups of whole milk (4 cups / 124 g of cereal hahahahaha) that is 780 calories hahahahaha.

i just ate a 780 calorie bowl of CEREAL and i am still hungry hehehehehe.

well to be fair that was 5 hours ago hehehehe.

heh. i hate that idiots can be gainfully employed but i cant because reasons hahaha. because i get nervous in interviews and i have a huge gap hahahaha. if i were a qt 25 year old gurl it wouldnt matter.

well got one app done today at least. baby steps. bit by bit. infinitely better than 0 hehehehe. i mean i  did 4 the other day, 5 the other day. sheeeeit.

never been a huge death fan but shit. i first heard about death when “the sound of perseverance” CAME OUT, just to once again whine about my age.

at my current age i would lean more towards the less progressive death hehehehe. also where chuck sounds less like his balls have been cut off.

yes i am aware that chuck is 50% jooish. believe me i can never forget it.

new darkthrone album just came out. welp i do like the production on this album and for some unknown reason i am optimistic about this album. i probably should have been optimistic about their previous album.

listen im old enough to remember when “the cult is alive” and then “foad” came out. i was like hmm what are you doing here darkthrone. and i was interested but both albums were boring as hell, so i just ignored everything they did since then.

while “transilvanian hunger” and “panzerfaust” were all time favorites of muh youth. smoking MJ as a 17 year old and playing riffs from those albums.

so they went from classic, to FOOKING BORING AF.

so really, i kinda EXPECT them to be BORING AF, and I expect this album to get boring after 3 songs, but it DOES have a great production sound. hopefully there is plenty of culto screams. i didnt like that culto rolled back his screams and then fenriz started singing more songs.

also its weird that they refuse to play shows. i can see not going on long tours, but wouldnt it be FUN to play a SHOW once a YEAR in NORWAY?

I mean they both seem like basic metal normies, not too weird, probably a fair amount of degen in there. like fenriz should have some CHILDREN and not be listening to METAL all day. i guess he used to be married but he got divorced. maybe his wife was tired of being married to a manchild hahahahahahahahahaha no i have no idea.

maybe his wife was a masculinized norwegian wimmin. all i know is that she did some artwork for famous black metal albums like “bergtatt” and maybe “transilvanian hunger.”

i mean i dont HATE fenriz’s power metal vocals. and yeah the drum sound and guitar sound is GREAT on this new album. and culto sounds pretty good. but what about the RIFFS? too early to tell.

making a pot of Chili, felt some agency today. the big value add was that I added some BACON. maybe even too much. theres a lot of bacon fetishizing going on the past 10 years, but i cant really argue against it…..well yes the FETISHIZATION of ANYTHING I can argue against. But basically Im saying that Bacon IS good and makes just about anything better. but what about muh chili. we will see. I just tore it up and threw it in there with the ground beef, browned all the meats, added tomato sauce, beans, spices, and letting it all simmer on low for at least 2 hours.

ok does nocturno culto have any children? he better. i mean fenriz should too.

they know how to get a great sound though. and i am 90% sure this is just them in their “studio” / rehearsal space. in a damn nondescript little room. nothing fancy at all. but this is NOT EASY TO DO. so I respect them for being able to do it well. IMO, it shouldnt be complicated. Id like to think I could do it too. also i can write boring riffs…..like darkthrone! but mine are even worse hahahaha.

ate the chili. it was bretty good. protein and fibre packed. yes i use beans, a lot of beans, i like the beans. mind you theres a lot of damn beef in there too. beef beans and bacon is what it is basically. thankfully the bacon taste did not overwhelm at all. i put like 6 strips of bacon in with 2 lbs of beef and about 2 lbs of beans hahahahaha. i absolutely did NOT drain any fat from the meat hahahahaha.

YUGE trump vs shillary first debate tonight. def pretty exciting there. i should really use the opportunity to get my rep up on TRS forum hahahaha.

just saw a jackass in the hofstra university crowd wearing a tshirt with a gorilla in red white and blue which said “HARAMBE FOR PRESIDENT” hahahahaha. or HARAMBE 2016. it defeinitely said HARAMBE hehehehe. well memed muh boy.

wonder if some TRS or related people are out there right now. pool parties.

baby steps every day. at least 1 job app a day (still need to do), and also i want to do 10-15 pushups every day.

everyones making a big deal out of fenriz being a “politician” but really he is just a SUBSTITUTE city council member and he didnt even WANT the job. literally ANYONE could have put their name in and got the job. in fact who knows if it even pays anything.

boo hoo let him have his fun, he wanted to put up a funny picture of him and his cat, why should i be a buzzkill.

i wonder if he is become a crazy old cat man!!!!!

i can appreciate cats, but dogs are better, and come on. you dont wnat to be a crazy old cat man.

13 DOLLARS AN HOUR

aug 31

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

http://pastebin.com/xUh6Djef

put this in sidebar, i want to caputre the worst article ever AND a few hundred comments

nymag open marriage cuckoldry article by sonmore

INFAMOUS

http://pastebin.com/67FxT9wi

here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”

the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)

i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.

in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.

also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.

yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.

or 12 to 13 hahahaha.

people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.

yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?

no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.

(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)

so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.

if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.

i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.

and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?

unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but  she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?

so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.

basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.

fulton sheen on difference between BAD, and EVIL.

 

hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though

start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:

that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.

but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.

i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.

ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.

shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.

actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.

florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.

his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fulton_J._Sheen

so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.

the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/08/31/the-daily-shoah-100-ep-88-part-13-of-14-a-hundred-a-hundred-twenty-episodes/

millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.

sept 1

had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!

and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.

i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.

also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.

unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.

thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.

also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.

i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.

i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.

which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!

but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.

at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.

people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.

standard!

but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it.  NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.

but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.

you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.

it all makes perfect sense: DONT SPEND MONEY IF YOU DONT ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.

see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?

AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.

so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.

heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.

i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.

well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.

so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?

NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.

so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.

and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.

lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.

so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.

dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.

now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.

i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.

ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.

i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.

so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.

and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff  from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.

and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.

and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.

heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.

went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes.  saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha.  at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.

so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”

90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.

in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.

there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.

and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.

for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1990s&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

hahahaha i have been looking at these goddamn RYM lists for like a month straight trying to find the perfect album to listen to

like here is the best metal (incl all subgenres) for the 90s.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1996&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha

also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.

not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.

heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.

ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!

at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.

I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.

go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.

mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.

i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.

listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.

uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.

overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!

but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!

it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.

it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.

it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.

and i’m not sure what else it could be.

sept 2

you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing.  on their second main album.

before the rain?

YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.

FOUND IT!!!!

yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.

fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.

fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.

yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.

yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.

but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.

rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.

entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.

ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.

like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!

the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!

but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.

I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.

went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.

so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.

interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.

man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.

just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!

not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.

its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.

if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.

i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!

comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.

well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.

i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.

it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.

so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.

well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.

i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.

but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.

i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.

NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!

(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)

because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.

applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?

i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.

in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.

so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.

but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.

unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????

well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.

anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.

 

WOULD FATHER HUHWHYTE CHILDREN WITH/10

[NOTE Dec 20 2016: This is part of my MERRY CHRISTmas celebration of poasting, where I will have posts the next 5 days thru CHRISTmas. ENJOY hahahaha. and I want to thank all my dear readers who understand that that just because I take the side of my own people, it doesn’t mean that I am hateful and violent and crazy and need to be reported. This USED to be what NORMAL PEOPLE did. NORMIES.

Also I started a New Job in December. You will not start seeing poasts about that for about another 7 months, hahahahaha. but just so you know, I DID eventually end up getting a Job. Not a bigboy job, not a job I can brag about as a grown man, but to say that I am Working at least 20 times more than I was is not an understatement. Also its very low stress and the people are very nice and i don’t have to answer phones with stupid crazy issues in a call center with calls all day from angry users with complicated problems that don’t make any sense! nope I barely answer the phone, everything is straightforward, I have smart experienced people 2 feet away I can ask questions no problem, its a 180 from previous job, and I REALLY NEEDED THIS. I AM VERY THANKFUL TO GOD AND MUH FAMILY for helping me on my struggle to get this job. It’s not a PROPER job….but it will do in the short term. plan is to impress the shit out of people here, get a few more written references, and move to a more substantial job in this Large Organization.]

may 25

had semi interesting dream where I was drunk and rambling and about to pass out and miraculously I was hanging out one on one with this woman from college I wish I had hung out more with because she had some real potential. I should have been putting moves on her (IRL as well as in the dream!) but in the dream I just passed out and she fell asleep next to me but I dont think we were actually touching. I woke up with a hangover and thought oh shit, I got SO drunk I couldn’t even properly Use Game on this woman hahahaha. If i hadnt been so raging drunk, I could have been more charming to her, and we maybe could have made out or at least cuddled. but why is she even here then? most women would have left right away in digust.

and then I had to leave and she hugged me and said call me, we should hang out again soon. usually they dont actually SAY that unless they mean it. and I thought YESSSS I still have a chance.

and that was basically it.

anyway she had real potential and could probably REPLACE and make me FORGET about that woman, well assuming we hung out and she didnt avoid me hahaha. onyl problem is i cant really hang out with her. well i technically CAN, she only lives 65 miles away or so. but shit. its probably even harder to start a rel long distance than it is to maintain an established rel which becomes long distance in the middle of it.

but this woman still looks good even though shes GOT to be 30 years old by now. I mean she is close to MY age. and I would STILL Date Her.

she wasnt a slut when I first met her but I think she became more sluttish throughout her 20s hahaha. and technically she is a career woman with not many fertile years left.  she didnt go to grad school immediately but she’s got a pretty good job and now she is going to a well known grad school which will prob take her career from darn good to really great.  a Thought Leader hahaha.  this is how you become a manager at a Good Career. I can’t even become a Junior Employee at a Good Career. we are kinda two different worlds there. whereas with That Woman, our world were closer.

post office interview tomorrow. mail processor. asking them direct questions about phone time, wage, benefits, how many positions open

well apparently the post office has a reputation for workplace bullying and abusive management, thats why people go postal. well if that happens i can just ragequit again and say I dont like saying anything negative but there was a very high level of workplace bullying there which could not be lessened through assertive communication.

Probably something to do with neurological pathways and training ourselves to think as moving towards self-acceptance vs moving away from it, while also seeing how prone we are to harsh self-criticism in the first place. I myself am EXTREMELY critical against myself and definitely should show more patience and compassion to myself. I am generally very nice to others as a rule. It would be good to show that same care to myself. I do have a history of depression, anxiety, failure, underachievement, general bad attitude.

well i liked having that dream about that other woman because it meant i CAN have feelings for other women besides That Woman….however I also felt regret that I didn’t pay attention to the woman in the dream during that time when we were both young and I actually lived near her. VERY near! She literally lived on the same block as me! but I only hung out with her a couple times, and always part of groups!

who knows, maybe she would have thought I was weird and would have avoided me in favor of other guys. but she was generally nice to me and didnt seem to know a lot of guys. at that time. she became more of a slut AFTER college hahaha. and now she’s fookin 30. still in shape, still looks very good, out of my league both in terms of looks and her career. she is well on her way to becoming a catlady. albeit a good looking one. very good looking one. and I know she’s a little bit crazy. And I would worry that she was a LOT crazy and would really leave me in the lurch if I ever got involved with her now. which I wont because I havent talked to her in 10 years and she lives 60 miles away. I just have dreams about her sometimes hahahaha.

heh. have never really experienced workplace bullying believe it or not. theres something i need to check off my bucket list hahahahaha. i imagine its worse than elementary school bullying because you cant escape it, and also in school, your teacher is more likely to care about you and want to help you, whereas at te workplace, your manager is much less likely to care and to help you out. in fact, your manager may well be the one bullying you. i think we can safely say that most TEACHERS dont bully their students.

No glitches or errors. I am committed to providing insightful and detailed feedback to assist Duke Fuqua produce the best research possible. Please contact me through mTurk if you would like further input on this or any other studies. Thank you.

hahahahahaha

I know top tier schools like Duke and Harvard have lots of money. If I can get on the inside track here, maybe I will get first crack at the Premium HITs hahahaha.

heh i have made 50 dollars in 7 days. and I still have a LOT of pending stuff from this time that will translate in MO MONAY for me.

but yeah. never had serious problems with workplace bullying or superbad cliques. i mean there were some cliques. and the worst thing i had to “deal” with was that WOMAN, and she wasnt BULLYING me, she was just breaking muh heart hahahaha. and I didnt DEAL with it, i just QUIT hahahaha.

i dont make a LOT at this mTurk but its good to even make a LITTLE. to see that I have made 50 dollars in 7 days, well thats nothing if youre working, shit thats nothing if youre getting unemployment, but when you have NO income, its a big improvement.

also my bitcoin microloans are useless and not a good return, lots of deadbeats there, and also US residents have been barred from investing any more money in BTCjam, so, thats as good as dead as me. I still have like 30 bucks tied up in there that I intend to get back.

and bitcoin poker, well i am losing money there. i am down. i have made more in 7 days on mturk than i have in more than a year playing poker. i am down on my initial investment for my whole poker career essentially. i can still break even but……i dont expect that in under a year.

these stanford women golfers are just very pretty hahaha. nice cute blond young 19 year old gurls. not slutty looking at all. I hope they dont take alotta cox at stanford. that is a very hard school to get into. im sure being a woman golfer helps.

may 26

https://forum.federalsoup.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=38949#post423933

PSE means postal support employee

hehehehehe some terrible reviews here

http://www.postal-reporter.com/blog/letter-to-the-editor-the-life-of-a-postal-support-employee-pse/

https://forum.federalsoup.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=42315#post461974

oh ho ho:

Below is a list of characteristics and values, some of which may be important to you and some of which may be unimportant. Please rank these values and qualities in order of their importance to you, from 1 to 13 with 1 = most important item and 13 = least important item. Click on an item in the list and drag it to the desired position to rank each item.

My values and qualities:

1 Relations with friends/family
2 Being kind to others
3 Social skills
4 Sense of humor
5 Business/managerial skills
6 Treating people fairly
7 Physical attractiveness
8 Athletics
9 Creativity
10 Neatness/tidiness
11 Artistic skills/Aesthetic appreciation
12 Music ability/appreciation
13 Spontaneity/living life in the moment

 

Based on this test, it is clear that you are racially biased at the unconscious level. More specifically, the results indicate that you have a strong preference in favor of White people compared to Black people. Below, you’ll see a graphical representation of where your test score places you compared to the population.

Please note that a significant amount of research in the social and behavioral sciences indicates that scores on this test predict people’s judgment of and behavior towards racial minorities. For example, one study demonstrated that people with racial bias often avoid being friends with racial minorities or treat them unfairly in social situations, even though they didn’t intend to. This means that there is a really good chance that you harbor unconscious bias towards Black people and are particularly likely to discriminate against them.

hahahahahahah GOOD! I HOPE Im a HUGE racist! but i think this is a deception, they didnt do SHIT.

Like I said above, I am fairly prejudiced and the “test” “confirmed” this, and I was sort of happy to see that. I DO favor people of my ethnicity over people who are not, although I don’t have hatred towards anyone, and I try to treat people of all races well. My goal is to do no harm and be kind to everyone. I am not mean or hurtful towards nonwhites. But I have a great appreciation and love for whites, I feel like they are my team. I would definitely not want to have mixed-race children. I would prefer to live in a majority-white community. I think all races are entitled to put their own race first. I don’t really feel guilty about white privilege. I am very interested in race. I think race is more than a social construct and that real differences exist between the races on a biological, genetic level. Again I am not hateful or violent or angry. I don’t make decisions that will harm nonwhites in any way, such as if I were in a position of authority where I might have some influence on “institutional racism.” That would definitely be an interesting moral dilemma however. I am very interested in participating in any research on race and attitudes and prejudice. I would advise researchers to study the thoughts of the “Alt Right”, which is a growing movement of thought which articulates ideas not commonly found in the modern university. Please contact me through mTurk if you need any detailed commentary. Thank you and good luck with your research.

HA! as i suspected, they said my diagnosis as very racist was false and not based on this reaction time task I did. but i AM very racist hahaha. I said the test itself sucked. then they said it WAS a valid test. I just have no idea what this valid test says about me being racist. maybe the test would say I am not racist at all. then i would be disappointed hahaha.

I am committed to helping researchers produce research of the best quality and I am happy to give very detailed feedback on any studies. Please contact me through mTurk if you are interested in very high-engagement and detail-oriented research participants.

anyway. interview at the damn post office. it wasnt too bad. post office is closer. but there is a lot of bad shit on the internet about this PSE thing, which is basically the shittiest job at the post office, and very hard to move out of. heck most jobs are very hard to move out of. promotions are a thing of the past. just being not fired or laid off is the new promotion. keeping your job with no raise is the new promotion hahaha.

there are horror stories. what I dont like is that they could start you at 3 am one day and 4 pm the next day, and you can have split shifts where you work 5 hours, get off 4 hours, then come back and work 5 more hours, then come back in 8 hours and work a 16 hour shift with no break or lunch.

i am honestly up in the air here. They say with the post office the managers are incompetent at best and abusive at worst. these guys didnt seem abusive. I felt them getting bored as I rambled on and on hahaha. he made it sound like split shift would not happen more than once a week. but yeah the PSE are fill in people.

what IS good is that its all BACK OFFICE stuff, very little customer contact. no phones. Just processing pieces of mail. Of course this is not without its problems as the machine can fook up and you are measured carefully and have to produce x amount so the carriers can take them out at y o clock. also lots of lifting of 70 pounds and lifting. Sounds like you could get in pretty good shape. I am ok with that, tho not sure I can lift 70 pounds hahaha.

I am more concerned wiht the machine getting a rubber band caught in it, so it finishes processing 45 minutes late, which enrages carriers because they are also PSE’s under the gun trying to finish their routes by 5pm or they are fired.

but I guess it really depends on your post office, your managers.

and PSE is not a job, it is a class of worker. You can be a PSE carrier, PSE processing clerk (which is what i think this is.) then the serious tenured people are “regulars” which I think are the same as “Career.” they are cutting way back on these. it is basically impossible to get a career job, and people have been PSE’s for 7 years with no raise, told to “keep waiting, hold on” for a career spot. I guess the benefits of career are better health care, better pay, raises, more breaks hahaha.

I honestly dont know. I am a little scared and apprehensive but less than with the phones. but here i am apprehensive about the weirdass schedule and a Work Culture that is notorious crabs in a bucket shit. and PSE’s are always at the bottom of the bucket. and some places dont want to train you. just figure it out and dont fook it up. more than a couple RUN DONT WALK reviews. IT’s impossible to tell about this particular office. The 3 managers I talked to today seemed ok. The “customer service manager” was younger than me and said he also had a useless degree hahahaha. well he is certainly not a PSE. are all managers regulars?  how did such a young man get that job?  the two other guys were older. one was a fat white guy who was not very charismatic and there was a black man who kinda seemed like the Alpha Male, had a somewhat intimidating presence but he was nice enough.

the waiting area before I went to go in to the actual interview was atrocious. it was a dimly lit cramped space with peeling wallpaper. i got there early, probably too early. they didnt bring me in till 15 minutes after the appointment time, whilst I waited in that ungodly little area.

NOTHING WORTH SAVING HERE!

911

anyway. if someone is hurting you, you have to tell them, especially if they are not aware they are hurting you, or dont intend to hurt you. like if some selfish person refuses to hangout with you, you have to let them know it hruts you. but i dont MEAN to hurt you they will retort.

doesnt matter, the shit you do still hurts me, and if you are serious about not hurting me, uhh take that into account and change your behavior if you really care about me bitch hahahahaha.

so i was too nice to her really hahahah. she was DONE MONTHS ago, but i naively hoped the distance was just temporary.

i should have been reading muh GAME hahahaha.

working on several other women at the same time so i didnt get ONEITIS, which i did.

putting the pussy on a pedestal!

you can see i am being facetious.

i dont think its inappropriate to get feelings for someone after you have gotten to know them for 2 years; or also for men to think you have feelings for you when you have Secs with them.

of course that second one is super naive in this age, because women have secs and THEN get to know you (if ever!) and only many months later do feelings develop, if ever, and probably not, because she flakes out or you do one thing wrong.

call me crazy old fahsioned, but this is why i beleive that women should NOT have secs with men RIGHT AWAY, but WAIT until they REALLY KNOW AND LIKE them, which will take several months! 6 months maybe!

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/cutting-again-after-friend%E2%80%99s-silent-treatment

i forgot about go ask alice, one of muh fave advice sites, even though they are marxist and degenerate and encourage women to be sluts and break mens hearts because all men are rapists or niceguy scum woman haters hahahaha.

Don’t emotionally exhaust yourself by continually reaching out. It sounds like you’ve done your part apologizing and attempting to communicate, but without his cooperation, the friendship may have run its course.

well some b is cutting herself or some gay guy because their male friend is giving them silent treatment. yeah i sorta agree, i mean youve done all you can, ball is in their court, your work here is done. now alice says “they might still care” but uhhhh kinda hard to tell if they refuse to communicate with you at all ever.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/told-him-my-true-feelings-and-now-its-truly-awkward

anyway despite how sex positive alice is, they still are good about emphasizing communication, and how important clear effective commuincation is. i would agree 100000%, communication is very important. not shitty communcation where you beat around the bush and never communcate about the elephant.

and if they say

i dont want to talk about it,

then you just have to say OK like eeyore and say youve done all you can????!?!?!?!

ACTUALLY…..NOT OK!!!!!!

trust, commincation, and respect. how the fook can you have ANY of those things with a WOMAN, let alone all THREE? hahahaha.

heh. i used to have all three with her and it hurts to lose a special person like that. well, the communication could have been a little better. then it just got worse and worse!

but yeah its a big damn deal, it was quite simply and honestly, the closest and most important Relationship i had had with a woman in years, since i had some female friends in 2005 and 06. then we drifted apart because of distance and i didnt really get close to any women until her, from 2012-2015.

thats what WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND. YOU CAN GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE WITHOUT HAVING SECS with them.

they are like SEX ANIMALS. sex is the only way they can understand anything, the only way they can have feelings, its the Deepest Thing for them.  they think it is more important than Communication, Trust, or Respect for building an intimate relationship. or a non intimate relationship!

its just amazing she can be in a long term rel and be so shitty at communicating. well she just was shitty at communicating with ME. i wish she had not been! come on! she had much less to lose with me! why NOT talk to me! because it was too overwhelming and too much work for too little reward?

i should thank her for finding ENDING THIS CHARADE and DISABUSING ME OF THE DELUSION!

well, she could have done that a lot earlier, 10 months earlier to be exact. if anythign she kept the shit going too long by giving me some mixed signals amidst it all that made me think this was all temporary.

also she would either have to communicate to End It All……OR not communicate at all, which of course is what she ended up doing. but she could have done THAT 10 months earlier is what im saying.

so im not gonna thank her for SHIT is why im saying hahahaha. but i am starting to appreciate that it will be good to have her out of my life as someone that will waste my time, and not be able to commuincate or trust or respect. then what fooking good is she really? apart from some FANTASY i can fantasize about, but everything she is in real life is annoying and infuriating and hurtful and heartbreaking? no thank you! take it back! pack your shit and leave! gtfo my life! you add no value! you bring only pain and nothing good!

if anything my communication skills are really GOOD, IF i can feel free to Speak Freely and not hide or avoid shit. but with someone i trust, i can articulate my thoughts and feelings really well. but if its some bitch i am trying to stop from leaving me, then i get emotionally compromised and start commuincating more unclearly. and sometimes they dont even LET you communicate with them hahahahaha like what happened here.

this is why it can be helpful to write emails, when then person is not right there in front of you. that can just make you more emotional and more likely to Bargain Desperately, and do something Desperate or Stupid, rather than communicate honestly or freely.

like when i would say yeah we can date other people ABSOLUTELY, when i really didnt want that, i would just do ANYTHIGN to APPEASE them and keep them around in ANY capacity.

hilariously enough, they just left me anyway, wouldnt even let me SHARE them with other people, they did not want me among the 10 other people they were fooking at that time hahahha. fooking bitches and whores.

a man who uses those words is an abuser. well i respond, that a woman who acts like THAT deserves to be called those words! dont be a bitch and hateful abusive men like moi wont call you a bitch!

hahahaha.

look at all the people on go ask alice who are having secs for years and in ltr’s, and they have the MOST OBVIOUS problems that culd be solved with just a little communication, but they obviously dont have that. yet they still have secs and have been dating for at least a year. so how did they get to that point? with no damn communication in the relationship?

i dunno. maybe they did have some communication for a while, but then it broke down.

oh well first sign of problems, better bail out and find a better replacement! its never worth it to try to fix problems!

hehehe or at least when it came to trying to fix problems in a rel with a Repulsive Horrible Person such as myself, they always would rather just bail out hahahahah. nothing worth saving here!

so that is not helpful for the old self esteem hahahaha.

see the difference between me and women is that when i get feelings for a woman, i dont suddenly want to stop communicating with them. to the contrary, i want to talk about how the relationship may have to change. rather than running away and taking dicks and pretending nothing ever existed.

nope just bury your head in the sand and take dicks.

so yeah i will be angry at her for hurting me for a while. i know they say you are supposed to forgive them. i really dont know if you need to. i mean, if they hurt you, and you are never gonna see them again, and you know you are over them after a few years, who CARES if you FORGIVE them. like shit i wont forgive woman3, even though i am well over her, because it really doesnt do me any good to forgive her, i mean she is a dead part of my past, it just doesnt matter if i forgive her. fine i forgive her. big fookin deal. it doesnt mean anything, im just saying the words “i forgive you” i really cant feel ANYTHING toward her now but i am sure i would still fook her if she looked good. i mean i havent seen her in 10 years and i never think abotu her! just an example.

yeah i am def getting over it a bit but i am still not happy. i am angry at her for being so god damn stupid. it didnt have to be this way!!!!!!!! but noooooo she was so stubborn against communicating and acting like a god damn adult. had to act like a fooking 5 year old. just absolutely had to. couldnt even act like an 18 year old! even though she is way older than that. just ridiculous. god damn. be a little bit cooler than that. she didnt need to be THAT disappointing! its ok to be a LITTLE disappointing, but this was just too extreme.

anyway life is not fair so get used to it!

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. NAMELY, the Breakdown In Communication which started even BEFORE that 10 month period i was feeling for her. it prbably started a few months BEFORE that when i was afraid to directly address the topics of her old boifran and her new boifran. i mean she could have addressed the topics too but so could have it. i guess the blame there was 50 50. although in the end it was still 66 33 hahahaha.

ANYWAY yeah there were warning signs. well kind of. i didnt think those communication problems could grow so much. well it really wouldnt have MATTERED if it didnt get feelings. it was possible our Friendship was At A Dead Standstill??? i dont think so…. i mean it was moving slowly, my feelings came on slowly.

well at any rate, my feelings DID increase the communication problems, or made these problems all the more Pressing and Urgent and Timely.

i had much more of an interest in resolving the commuincation problems; she honestly did not. PLUS she probably knew i had feelings and that turned her off even more.

MAYBE we could have resolved the comm probs if i didnt have feelings. then i just wouldnt care so much either!

but thats what feelings are, its CARING about someone a lot.

anyway i dont blame her for not having feelings. i just blame her for handling the communication HORRIBLY.

i didnt handle it perfectly but she handled it worse. 66 33.

75 25 hahahaha.

but yeah i will get over it, i wont even contact her. i might never get on facebook again hahaha.

anyway right now i have NO CONFIDENCE in doing jobs. like i cant do jobs and shit. nothing. i could never be a Server in a Restaurant for example. i just cant JUGGLE that much shit. just watching them makes me anxious! i would have to take valium every single day!

the merona pants at target look very nice. they cost $25, this is kinda expensive, but if you make 25DAH at your Job, you should be able to handle it.

Merona® Men’s Ultimate Flat Front Pants

are what i am talking about.

okay i did a 3.1 miler by walking around an extra block to add to my usual 2.8 cuz i wanted at least a solid 3.0.

but yeah none of this is good for the confidence. and i am angry at her because she could have been a little NICER and not taken away so much confidence.

so i guess my confidence was at a RELATIVE “high” before all this shit started. i certainly didnt like muh job but i did ok at it, things were smooth and undramatic with female “friend” etc.

so yeah it was very worthwhile for me to communicate with her. very worthwhile. there was nothing but benefit. it would give me some sense of resolution.

there was NO worth, no value, no benefit to her to communicate, so therefore, she didnt. very simple. she didnt do it because there was no incentive to her. she knew it would be an awkward and difficult convo. she had an idea that i had feels for her. she didnt WANT to talk about it. she didnt WANT me to have feels for her because she didnt have any for me, she didnt want to TALK about it. she didnt NEED to talk about it.  she didnt think i would have such a damn hardon for Closure and Resolution and Direct Unambiguous Verbal Communication. maybe i do need more of that than the average normalfag.

yeah well these were pretty strong feelings. it just wasnt some Schoolboy Crush!

well part of it was exacerbated by the job itself. i mean i was nervous just to come in and do the job even if she wasnt there. well it was better when she wasnt, i mean for a while there i was working one day where she was off, that was better than having to see her. but it was still a ridic job.

if it were an easy job, maybe it would be different. maybe the ridiculousness of the job caused me to be more dramatic to her.  but my desire to communicate with her was still VALID. thats what you do when you have feelings for somebody. you tell them or show them.

i think my signal sending was good enough so that she Had An Idea what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk because i was the one with the feelings. she didnt want to talk because she didnt have feelings. if she had feelings, she would have wanted to talk, just like she did when she DID have feelings for the guy. ITS ALL ABOUT HER. HER AND ONLY HER hahahaha. think about the other person for a change. selfish as hell hahahaha.

i am a much better communicator than her hahaha. well she doesnt need to be cuz shes a woman hahahaha all she needs is a cvnt and uterus.  i aint mad abotu THAT, thats just how HUMANS are. its the same reason i prefer 20 year old women to 40 year old women, as do all men.

shit i just wish i was young again and could drink and go to parties with young gurls hahaha.

but i forget that i was young, did go to parties with young gurls, and get drunk, and that still didnt help me seduce the gurls!

also i am butthurt because i did not start going to parties until about halfway through My Youth. i wanted to be going to parties my WHOLE youth hahahaha.  wawawawawawaw.  instead i was drinking by myself or with other guys and basically NEVER LEARNED how to talk to gurlz.

so it did build confidence to have an actual female friend i could talk to, without nervousness, and actually get to know them.

well if a big part of getting over heartbreak is just to stand there in the middle of the deluge and Take The Pain beating you down, well i have def done that! in fact i might be nearing the end of that. and now i will be more pessimistic about women in general (if that were even possible!!) and worrying about jobs and also worrying about being alone forever, since when am i ever gonna find someone i LIKE again.

but i would also take a cute young fucc buddie gurl that i could bang with no feelings and i wouldnt care about her that i had no respect for her. that doesnt make me a hypocrite because i cant get preggers hahahaha i can do whatever i want because theres really no way i can defile My Biological Role as a Dumper Of Sperm, i mean thats pretty Degraded as it is, as opposed to the Holy Of Holies where Sperm Slowly Grows into a Beautiful Babby. that is a beautiful thing and therefore CAN BE defiled. and by god many/most women DO defile it!

bitches and whores!

but yeah it sucks to have something good and then it is gone forever. even if she didnt like me we still had a decent friendship before everything went wrong, and i valued that friendship, it was very important to me, and it sucks to lose it, and in such a bad hurtful way. of COURSE things HAVE to change when one person gets feelings, but you can deal with it better so that things dont end THIS badly.

its ok to put “personal reasons” for “reason for leaving.”

maybe try to put “personal reasons, good standing with employer, rehirable”

http://time.com/money/3660659/office-relationships-dating-coworker/

Consider the Worst-Case Scenario

With 7% of respondents to the CareerBuilder survey saying they had to leave a job after a breakup, you’ll be glad you did some critical thinking before jumping into any new relationship with a colleague.

http://www.wikihow.com/Work-With-Your-Ex

has a lot of links in it believe it or not!

http://healmybrokenheart.com/workingwithyourex

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/21/dealing-with-an-ex-at-work_n_1533723.html

heh there is lots of stuff on communicating with them about ground rules and such. well what if they dont WANT to communicate with you hahahaha.

well i am sure if i stuck around longer we might eventually communicate, be like ok this is stupid, obviously you dont like me, but we cant go on WORKING this way!!!! and maybe figured something out. or maybe not.

i notice none of these articles mention anything like being so distraught you cant even do your job!!!! and all of these people seemed to have easy jobs hahaha.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=working%20with%20your%20ex

google “working with your ex” to bring up some good results

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/the-dos-and-donts-of-dealing-with-your-ex/#.VfOH_hFViko

this one says 6 month rule to get over your “ex”

also in this one, the “exes” are contacting each other almost trying to get back with each other, and you are supposed to kindly but firmly say NO! i am no longer your emotional support system!

but what if you WANT THEM BACK and they come back?

i assume the article assumes that both people agreed on the breakup?

dont know what thats like, i thought you always get dumped and then you want the “ex” to reconsider, come back to you, get your ex back.com hahahaha.

food that shit.

but yeah communication is important in working with the “ex”. no shit. communication is very important when dealing with anybody really, but especially a would be lover. it would be nice if the women recognized that fact instead of bailing out immediately. hahahah they are worse quitters than i am. they quit relationships like i quit jobs hahahaha.

MEN VERBAL WOMEN NONVERBAL / BABY WITH A GUN

97

i CANT APOLOGIZE ANY MORE. i have apologized literally the max a human can apologize. i apologized literally every time i talked to her and emailed her. she’s not “waiting for an apology.” if anything IM waiting for an apology from HER! what, me apologize for apologizing too much? I think i already DID that too!

its like i’m hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff and she’s standing right there. she can easily grab my hand which is reaching out to her, please save me, but she just watches the rocks crumble away and me eventually fall to my doom.

or i am drowning and she is standing right there on the boat with tons of life preservers. i am screaming please halp meeeee and she can easily throw one out but she chooses not to , and to WATCH ME DROWN instead.

these are veyr good metaphors / images for what happened.

and I should be apologizing? i dont think so! She should be apologizing for letting me drown!

of course i was thinking, well i should contact her AGAIN, because she is just apprehensive or lazy or doesnt have the courage, and she is just waiting for me to contact her again, she’s ready now.

well if she were READY she would contact ME!!!!!!!!

also when people are in the WRONG, they very often DOUBLE DOWN and never come to their senses! and remain convinced for the rest of their lives that they were right. this is very very common. i might be doing it to convince myself that i am right and she is wrong hahahaha

also it is very very common for people to AVOID shit. thats ALL this is basically is her totally AVOIDING a situation entirely. avoid avoid avoid.

and can i make her not avoid, by popping up every so often?

she obviously doesnt want a Rel with me. she was Detaching from me for a long time. that was HER signal. she said, o god, he likes me, no thank you, i am done with this, but i am too cowardly to tell him and talk to him about it.

yeah i just didnt think she was THAT cowardly though, i thought she was strong.

and yeah it hurts to have someone care about you, then they start withdrawing that care.

at least when someone DIES, you know they cared about you to the living end!

but she gradually made herself stop caring about me ever since she Discerned that I Liked Her!

and i certainly didnt start making myself try to stop caring about her! until recently!

good good let the hate flow thru u hahahaha

fookin bitches hahahaha

never put them ON A PEDESTAL and think oh they wouldnt do that, or they’re different, not all women are like that, shes different, she has morals, she has integrity, i can trust her, she cares about doing the right thing, she treats her relationships seriously, shes emotionally mature, bla bla bla bullshit.

men like to communicate directly, with words and conversations and emails and speaking and talking and writing, to eliminate ambiguity and confusion, to get everybody on the same page, make sure everybody understands.

women like to “communicate” using bullshit ambiguous signals, so that everybody is confused, and will intensely avoid/ignore any attempts to make it less confusing or less ambiguous. they want everybody to be confused, and not be on the same page, and hate each other forever. anything that involves words or writing or talking or anything VERBAL, they will avoid like the PLAGUE.

men verbal, women nonverbal. all the damn time.

and men have to learn the nonverbal language, but women never have to learn the verbal language because…………

women are the choosers. women have a uterus. women can get pregnant. even though many of them dont realize this.

and i am technically not butthurt about them being the choosers, or that men have to do all the Heavy Lifting and jumping through hoops.

except some men dont jump through hoops at all. Alpha Men are essentially Choosers of Women!

so, women use their power as Choosers of Men, to choose tons of Casual Sex, WITHOUT respecting and understanding the Power Of Pregnancy which gives them the POWER to be Choosers!

Yep thats about the strength of it. its like a BABY with a GUN.

Great Power with great IGNORANCE of the great responsibility attached!!!!

dumb bitches hahahaha.

also i can be nonverbal enough, i have learned THEIR language well enough, and sort of accept begrudgingly that they will never learn Mine, even though any smart person would agree that Direct Verbal communication is Better for the Greater Good of Humanity!!!! but women would rather everyone hate each other forever because of confusion and miscommunication, because DRAMA IS EXCITING!!!!!! and EXCITEMENT is the greatest thing in life.

MEN ARE LOYAL LIKE DOGS, WOMEN ARE LOYAL LIKE CATS.

thats why men generally prefer warm, loving, loyal, true, good dogs…..

…….and women generally prefer disloyal, cold, bitchy, traitorous, unloving, untrustworthy, horrible, evil, sociopath cats.

woman hating much?

trust me when women get rejected by a MAN, they become MUCH more man hating.

but thats only because they dont get rejected by men as much!

ummmm ok.

well my womanhate is not remarkably above average for men who were dumped in godawfully harsh ways like cheating or Ghosting hahahaha.

it can ONLY benefit you to bang a woman, any woman, as soon as possible.

shit i should have tried to bang her even when she was with her old longterm boifran, back when i was not into her. should have just forced myself to be into her. hint, its not that hard to FORCE yourself when the gurl is young and not fat and has no kids. even if there are little things about her that you initially find weird. like or her face is weird and her Buttocks are weird.

when when you are Deep In It, you will no longer find her Face or Buttocks so damn weird!!!!!!!!! you will say DAAAAAAMN how could i ever find those things weird? she is HAWT as FOOK!!!!!!

a kind of pedestal i guess.

i was thinking it might ALWAYS be to your benefit that if a woman asks you about your love life, say you are “dating a few people but nothing serious” and smirk like a man who gets secs from a variety of wimmin whenever he wants, but cant find someone who meets his standards well enough to commit to monogamously.

of course it would be to your benefit!

unless you come across that one remaining traditional woman unicorn who thinks men dating several women is distasteful, just like women dating several women is distasteful!

and then shrug say oh well just having fun hey its not like Im the one who can get preggers!

and then say well if they get preggers, just get a god dam abortion bitch! hahaha its not like we live in iran! roe vs wade bitch! merika! muh rightz will not be abridged! wimminz right 2 chooze! wimmin r da choozerz!

not my problem! just a parasite that can be easily dealt with!

but maybe i should man up and contact her simply saying you are being ridiculous, stop being ridiculous and lets just hang out and make up already.

and then she will say ok i was waiting for you to MAN UP and say that and BE A MAN. that was my SHIT TEST.

also i might be “getting better” because i am not reading those fooking EMAILS every day over and over like i used to. the emails 1 thru 4 that i wrote her. i havent looked at  a one of them in weeks. so i guess that is a good sign.

i just cant believe she could do this to me.

why not. its just AVOIDANCE and avoidance is SO common because its the easy way out. I avoid and procrastinate and ignore shit ALL THE TIME. so do tons of people. and here she is avoiding me.

i mean i could send a brief thing “hi there just seein how ur doin ”

and see if that gets any response.

“wanna go to dinner get caught up”

that kind of thing.

well of COURSE i would have an ulterior motive to get her back!

i tried this in 2004/5 with woman2. (woman2004).

she kind of ignored me and i was real butthurt about that cuz we were actually fooking at the time and then she just disappeared, real sketchy. i was RIGHTFULLY angry about being ignored. i said fook her im not talking to that bitch ever again, i heard gossip she had been seen with other guys, she was the type with 900000 male friends, never trustworthy!

then 3 months later i thought i would Reach Out because it still felt like Unfinished Business, and i wanted a Fair Shake.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

I did get in touch with her, we started hanging out and making out again, i certainly could have banged her but i didnt, like an idiot. i certainly should have!

but by this time she was distanced from me, liked me less than before, and had even less interest in dating me, and opened “dated” other guys during that time and showed no interest in dating me, we would just make out and cuddle and she would have let me bang her if i were masculine enough!

so yeah she basically had LESS interest and feelings for me than before.

MY feelings were rekindled, her feelings were not really anything. less than before.

so then there was NEW pain, to get my hopes up; and also see that she was less interested than before. why couldnt i make her interested again?  because i wasnt masculine enough? i was 22 years old and had no experience with women, she was it.

so i could see a similar thing happening here. me get back in contact with woman2015, “chill hanging out”, i would get my hopes up without a doubt, and she would be cool as a cucumber the whole time, saying yeah im dating a couple guys, nothing serious, just secs, i can always get an abortion if i need, but im not gonna ever want to date you, i have even less feelings for you than i do for these random guys i met a few weeks/months ago.

so yeah that would be ripping an old wound open, making it fresh again, and pouring salt on it.

when you see someone who USED to like you, and then they are just cold as shit to you. that is VERY painful. women dont understand this hahahahaha. cold evil sociopath bitches. hahahaha.

better to be ANGRY and hateful and other-loathing, rather than sad and self-loathing!

also i am generally finding it easier to get out of bed, go powerwalking, than i did near the beginning, so that must be a good sign.

i just wish i were losing more weight with all this powerwalkjogging. i am losing no weight and doing a TON of powerwalkjogging.

tons of input, no output.

it just sucks that somebody i used to be so close to, that i used to trust, that i liked, that used to at least like me on some level, can now hate me, and hurt me so much, and i didnt even DO anything horribly wrong.

welcome to the real world hahahaha.

besides she was pulling away and being cold for months. the 180 was really more just an 18 or so. i just didnt want to see it.

i mean i can understand not having FEELINGS in return for me. but she definitely used to Like Me as a Friend, and i expected that because of that, that if it needed to end, it would end a lot better.

i was TRYING to make in end better, in my typically masculine way of direct communication, lets be verbal about it so we minimize the hurt feelings.

but nooooooooo.

well i was “being masculine” in a very unmasculine way, always supplicating and apologizing. bad call.

ok placed 15th out of like 57 people in this tournament and got nothing but shitty hands, i think i won one small pot. certainly had no good chance to “double up.”

but yeah. i will be the better person because I will never hurt someone else like she has hurt me!

way to abandon me bitch!

it really hurts and is painful to be abandoned like that.

ok out of the stupid freeroll tournament, time for first 2.8 miler of the day hahaha.

I AM NOT A NICEGUY AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!!

june 23 2014.

ok. back on track. i have over 3 months of posting every day here. summer o fun 2014. bring it on. suffer the japes. bring the noise. feel the pain.

i wanted to pat myself on the back for making 2 phone calls. i called the employer hr, THEN i called the docker and axed to have him rewrite my prescription, they told me to call the bharmacy and let them know, i thought i had done that a week ago, well i went thru the website so i wouldn’t have to call anyone, then i signed up for a full myprescription account today, said it was still in process, then i called the bharm number and did the automated voice menu, said there was a problem, then auto transferred me to a PERSON, UH OH, and i ham handedly explained the situation and they said ok.

so hopefully they contact the docker, he faxes over the new script, they fill it, and call me. and i set up an email alert too.

point is, i made one more phone call than expected, and it didn’t kill me, in fact, it made me stronger.

i tried to fake confidence and at least put on a friendly peaceful tone, said Hi How Are You Today, nicely told them what I was trying to do, said Thank You Have A Nice Day. and this is all you can do. in fact, this is BETTER than MOST 4ssholes who call like you’re their f00king SLAVE B1tch. I treat the person with kindness BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I LIKE TO BE TREATED.

so they can say, well that caller was nice, i wish all callers were that nice.

the hr talent person did not answer. i did not leave a message. we did phone tag on friday. i missed their call, in the shower, they left a message, i called back within 3 minutes of them calling, got their voice mail, left a nice message.

then THEY called back an hour later right before they left for the day, but i didn’t hear the phone. they left message saying we would talk monday. so today’s monday and i tried calling them before i anticipated their lunch would be. assumed 12 noon, so i called them at 11:30am. nice. they were out. did not leave message bc i anticipate them calling me later anyway, AND i WILL call them again in a few hours.

cuz this is it. i HAVE to have this job.

got my notebook, wrote down the persons name, what time i called, date, etc.

well at least i got the prescription solved for the next 5 months hehehehe.

BUT the con there is, i don’t get to pump the doc for new rx’s.

oh yeah, here’s an interesting list i found today

http://psychcentral.com/lib/top-25-psychiatric-medication-prescriptions-for-2013/00019543

http://neuroamer.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/top-10-most-prescribed-psychiatric-drugs-top-10-overall-and-the-10-we-spend-the-most-money-on/

how ya like that. i wish i could find that list at the ims or whatever, but their site is sh1tty; would like to see the top 100.

welp, no tricyclics on there. also, only one psych drug is nongeneric: seroquel, an antipsychotic. won’t be asking for that anytime soon!

heh. maybe try some zoloft. paxil and buspar are the only ones i have experience with. they are on there, but at place 12 and 20 respectively. not even in top ten. hehehe. come on doc.

def wouldn’t mind some xanax, also not surpirsed that has been num ONE for like 5 years straight.

because we live in an anxiogenic society, hehehehehehehe.

anyway completing those phone calls was definitely a confidence builder.

it’s weird because i used to be ON the phone for over 6 hours a day, taking 20 in depth calls a day.

when it is raining or snowing i cannot really go for my walk and would prefer to powerwalk on a treadmill and am this close to signing up for planet fatness to do so. thing is, just remembered my good frand has a membership at another planet fatness and it would be fun to go with him sometimes. so what do i do. you can only sign up for one home fatness. and i ideally would sign up for the one 1 mile from my house.

well maybe i sign up for that one and maybe just pay a fee if i ever want to go with him.

look up the audio book bay dot com, like the p1r4t3 bay for audiobooks. nice.

heh. don’t put the pvssy on a pedestal. you have had sech 4 times. she has had sechs 400000000000000000 times, sometimes in very degrading ways, with j1zz all over her face, videos taken of it, spit roasted by two guys at once, cheating on her boifran, with guys she cant even remember their names, with guys she met less than one hour ago, vidyas and photos, yeah i guess you could pity her for being degraded, but it’s not really killing her, because she still makes 10 times the money you do with her job, right out of college, and at age 22 is winning 1000000 times more at life than you are at age 30. so you are entitled to show her a little damn disrespect!

but it can’t be mean, aggressive disrespect. it’s all in the delivery. and the delivery comes from confidence and experience.

be disrespectful but do not be aggressive or harmful so as to incur bad karma. this is a tough line to walk, and you can easily cross it. like suck mah d1ck, you f00king slore, would be considering too aggressive.

well, maybe not, if she were being festive and you were being festive too.

i don’t f00king know, i read a stupid anti-niceguy article on cracked dotcom and got confused.

well i don’t like cracked for being feminist leftists, but i also don’t like niceguys either, because they are lame and cowardly and weak.

but rest assured, I am NOT a niceguy, and neither are you!!!!!!