SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH NOT DEALING WITH IT

yep

sept 11

heh. not to insult the old friends of mine who are unfortuantely, sadly leftist, but……. i just remembered something that happened on our recent reunion that made me shake my head and told me that there was no hope in trying to Turn these people hehehehe.

basically it was simple, just talking about LB Johnson and how he was such a old school white racist who wanted segregation for blacks. it didnt matter that he was huge democrat and the great society and that he might have done more than any one president to turn our once great nation into a marxist progressive antiwhite disgrace. immigration, welfare, etc. they touched on this, but were like, YEAH BUT he was also a huge old school white racist from texas. he wasn’t a real modern democrat….even though he probably did more SJW shit than any modern democrat. all they saw was an evil white racist.

basically they should be worshipping this guy like he was the next MLK! but no, all they see is a white racist!

because he simply LOOKED LIKE a white normie from texas! just a masculine white man with a texas twang. never mind that his policies opened the door to giving BILLIONS to nonwhites!

really I should have said, YEAH BUT dont you think you’re underestimating the effect of the great society? i mean really, isnt LBJ the greatest person for Civil Rights since MLK? do you really think thats fair just to write him off as an evil white racist? he really wasnt old school at all!

i was just caught off guard by the ridiculousness of it, and also my communication skills were compromised by MJ!

and yet these are decent, moral white people parroting this nonsense!

they cant get past LBJ looking like a FOOKING WHITE MALE to realize the pretty obvious truth that he was a YUGE SJW and pretty much sentenced the white race to death hahahahaha. the fact that he has a twangy accent and wasnt a Marxist Community Organizer is enough for them!

and ultimately he went to do one of the single biggest Marxist Actions our country has ever seen!

doesnt matter, cuz he LOOKS like a traditional white family man. so somehow he was a “conservative democrat”. wtf???????

you could not have a more marxist prez if KARL MARX had been prez!!!!!!!!

why the hell would they signal against LBJ of all people?

because in their mind, he represents Traditional Old School White Racists.

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in hindsight I should have probed on this absolutely ridiculous discussion, but again, MJ makes me unable to have even simple small talk.

oh and LBJ probably owned a GUN too. he was the type of guy to go HUNTING. and he probably didnt want his daughter to be a race mixing slut. what a racist sexist woman hating black hating bigot racist.

they cant look past these tiny details to see the YUGE OBVIOUS LASTING LEGACY of LBJ!!!!!!

Maybe i am OVERESTIMATING LBJ and the great society pogams in particular.

i mean im sure there were tons of marxist j’s advising him.

hmmmm i have found the new evalion hahahahahah

i bet this channel will be shut down by the time this post posts.

well after 1 minute of inspection she seems less slutty than evalion, but she does have crazy eyes!

not gonna get my hopes up too much here.

but I would wager that shes taken less cox than evalion and might be a better wife and mother.

gonna try to manage expectations tho.

i guess she already did an interview with sinead. i hope sinead does not latch onto her and turn her into even more of a psychopath.

i would feel a lot more comfortable if she (crusader gurl) were doing this with her father or something. what does her father think of all this?

it feeeeels really weird and wrong for very young gurls to get on the frontlines of a very real ideological war. just like with Combat, women SHOULDN’T be doing this. you can support your father or husband or brother who is doing it. make white babies with your white husband. maybe make videos about how awesome being a mother is. and cool it with the hitlers and the swastikas. they make you look like a shill hhahahahahaha.

men can do that, women cant. and even most men dont fathom what theyre getting into when they do that. i say, err on the side of caution and dont go full 1488 until you know exactly what youre getting into. like me hahahaha. and even i dont post hitlers and swastikas. it just looks fishy when a 17 year old gurl on the internet does.

girl on the internet syndrome. beware.

maybe do a show with your strong white boifran. or father.

i should really write to her and try to become her handler. i mean women can REACH alot more people than men. she can get 1000 subscribers in a day where it would take a guy a YEAR. people pay a lot more attention to young purty wimmin. so, tread carefully. she is gonna be under a TON of scrutiny, like evalion, and it didnt take long for evalion to be shut down and probably discredited.

and yes their secs lives ARE relevant, because you want a person with GOOD CHARACTER.

and really….yeah its nice to see women getting into this stuff, but I have NEVER heard something explained MORE profoundly or powerfully by a woman than by a man. NEVER. in other words, a man can ALWAYS say this stuff more persuasively. More Better, hahahahaha.

but the women get more initial views.

and im sure part of it is me being Lonely for a Woman that is Against Race Mixing.

here’s a fun game for you: test women you meet by getting them talking about idris elba or denzel washington. I reckon the MAJORITY of them will take the bait and say DAYUM WHAT A SEXY MAN. MMM HMMMM. I WOULD SUCK HIM OFF RIGHT NOW. I WOULD FOOK HIM ALL NIGHT AND LET HIM BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

this is a blatant signal that the woman is open to race mixing.

the ideal woman would get uncomfortable talking about secs, would not say anything publicly, then in private, would tell you shes just not into black guys.

just look for any remark where a white woman talks about a black guy being Handsome or Secsy.

if you’re against race-mixing, you JUST WOULDNT DO THAT.

I never talk about how nonwhite women are good looking! because I honestly dont care! I DONT WANT TO RACE MIX!!!!

well there are a couple jooish and maybe indian women i would bang. but they would probably stink like curry!

and also i have fully thought through the implications of having children with them, and that is something i would never want to do!

but yeah, its just not the DOMAIN of cute innocent doe eyed 16 year old gurls to be talking about this stuff!!!!!

KIND OF like how its not the domain of innocent little gurls to be huge cvm guzzling sluts!

well….i say kind of because those are two VERY different things.  i’m just trying to say that young gurls are JUST TOO INNOCENT for this kind of stuff. it’s TOO MUCH for them. it’s not RIGHT for them to be in it.

kind of like a woman forgoing being a wife and mother so she can be a damn CEO.

it’s just not her natural place. its weird and wrong.

so yeah i hope this gurl acts honorably because its SAD to see a qt innocent young white gurl be a DUMPSTER FIRE. just do what michelle k did and Resign. or do what the truth will live did and stop youtube but just do twitter only.

of course TTWL is 100% jooish. but uhhhh she was really qt and had great alt right ideas and was converting to Catholic. real interesting case.

but yeah its DISTRACTING unless you have your OWN alt right waifu. and probably most waifus could be MADE alt right with your firm, fair guidance.

this crusader gurl looks like a purer, more innocent, lower number gurl than evalion, and i dont want to see another young white girl turn into a dumpster fire for the whole internet to see.

dont look for a gurl with political opinions. find a gurl with basically no political opinions, but who has deep moral opinions about not being a slut, about not fooking blacks, about not murdering her babies. that’s all you need. and finding that will be difficult enough!

heh i am actually tempted to write this girl a message because she might actually read it now, rather than 2 weeks from now, when she has EXPLODED in popularity.

well, sinead has probably already told her how horrible TRS is.

basically TRS needs to take this girl under their wing and use her as a TRS propaganda person. TRS are good, strong, smart men. I trust them hehehe.

hehehe

https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/

https://voat.co/v/talesfromtechsupport

also i saw some bitch saying that its normal for a 30 year old man to take only 6 months to get over a 2 year relship. yeah maybe if you are some sociopath who just views people as bags of meat, BITCH!

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/

loveshack has like 1700 people on it right now, relship forums has like 400 tops. go with loveshack. i am looking for something with a LOT of people.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/

plus they have a great subforum that is all about That Gray Area where you might be becoming more than friends, or wanting to.

yep the big 400th job app.  next it will be the big 500th hahahaha.

http://archive.is/fdCUL

How to Choose a Wife in a Feminist Society by PA

good blogger, i should directly link to him, got a good alt right racist white mind. i just dont want anyone to know i link to them. go look at his blog and give him a dollar hahahaha.

twitter can be fun sometimes

oh yeah this one was florian geyer. well he doesnt really use it. and his NRx blog only has 2 posts. i was looking to try to find the origin story on this guy cuz i like him. he is great. he is very smart and very funny and will be a great priest but he should have some keeids tho.

here is a guy that is on the fatherland sometimes, seems like a real good guy, and he does a pro family podcast with his WIFE. should prob check that out at some point.

sept 12

welp, was very decisive about getting a haircut today, even though probably didnt really NEED it…..but previous i usually waited TOO long, and today i just wanted to be decisive and get a haircut fairly earlier than last time, PLUS whenever i get a haircut, it boosts confidence, so, really no risk, high reward. waited 66 days this time, 9 weeks or so. this isnt TOO early, I dont think.

had ridiculously disturbing dream with HER in it and it just gets worse. i was bitching at her like  a little bitch, please stop avoiding and ignoring me, just hang out with me already, don’t dump me LIKE THIS, and getting really bitchy and passive aggressive about it, then she was like FINE. FINE. what do you want from me. and then she got up on this ladder or lege or something about 14 feet off the ground and dove headfirst into the ground, grotesquely breaking her own head and neck. absolutely horrifying. that’s not what i was asking for!!!!!! i just wanted to sit down and have an hourlong private talk!!!!

there was an implication that some other guy was also heartbroken and HE had K’d himself the same way, diving headfirst into the ground.

also in another part of the dream, I was grotesquely deformed, like missing half my face, and also that side of my body was all grotestquely deformed. naturally people reacted to the sight of me with horror.  I couldn’t really see myself though, and I didn’t really FEEL horrific.

then I met a qt young woman who was nice to me, did not react with horror, and I wondered, wow, did I miraculously get better somehow? do I really look normal now? or is she just super nice?

so yeah, lot of symbolism there hahahahahahahaha.

and then it went into that super disturbing part with HER and the neck breaking etc. good god how does my brain come up with this horror.

so yeah i am surprised i was not MORE affected by the dream (nightmare!!!!!) but I guess forcing myself to get out and get haircut helped with that.

also in the dream she seemed like a different person. it sorta looked like her, but a more crazy, unstable, bitchy, evil version of her.

basically she did what she did because:

  1. she didnt have Special Feelings for me
  2. She could Get Away with Not Dealing with it.

PERIOD.

some things you are FORCED to deal with. you cant escape from them. this was not one of those things.

i bet she DID feel bad about hurting me. but she did not HAVE to deal with it….so she didn’t. The End. Period. Thats All Folks. That’s ALL it boils down to. I bet she DID feel bad. (Im sure she’s gotten over that LONG ago, though)

2pm sept 2

sheeeeeeeit. sitting at car dealership, they have free wifi thank god. look like a real phaggot wiht muh laptop but this is gonna take at LEAST 90 minutes.

hope nobody steals mh password who is out there packet sniffing hahahahahah.

321 pm

wow that was quick. they said 90 minutes, i expected 2 hours, and i was out of there within 1 hour.

there was a young arab girl reading a Yuge Law Skool Torts Textbook. Good for her going to Law Skool. She looked very bitchy and high maintenance but young and bangable and in Healthy BMI range. not that I advocate Race Mixing but I would bang her if i had to. would not make babies with, OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!

why am i saying this? i guess to get a pity party for my desperation, to describe my desparation, that i would rather bang a healthy young nonwhite than a fat ugly unhealthy white hahahahaha. but i would never BRAG about it or RECOMMEND it hahahahaha.

 

 

JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED SPACE DOESNT MEAN YOU DONT NEED TO COMMUNICATE

june 5

sheeeeeeeeeeeit.

oh wow found technician job with large manufacturer which the previous generations all started wokring with as soon as they were 18, worked 40 years, raiased white families. now to get a job there you have to be a damn super engineer with a great attitude hahahaha. and above average engineering school performance hahaha. gone are the days of working on the LINE for 40 hours a week and making 20 dollars an hour for tightening a screw, and getting fat and drinking on lunch break and having kids in the white suburbs and getting drunk all weekend hahahahaha.

yesterday i learned that the sleeping stuff in nyquil might be correllated with dementia hahaha. the md doing the study recommends not taking it regularly at all. like me taking it several times a week hahaha. might even take it tonight!

http://archive.is/jAc2e

heh. i guess evalion is a wh0re, she broke this little betabois heart. hahahah stay away from wh0res.

any 18 year old cute white gurl who likes showing her face and body on youtube, getting youtube orbiters and fans, and she talks about nazi 1488 stuff…..totally crazy. would mudshark. would cheat and cuck you. should be treated like any other degenerate wh0re: shamed, shunned, avoided, and forgotten. find a GOOD woman, not a SHITTY woman.

yeah just dont trust any woman on youtube saying gas the k1kes. ok i dont mind wife with a purpose, because she doesnt say gas the k1kes, shes like 40 years old, and has 5 kids, and has been with her husbando like 20 years.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/bbc-whites-need-not-apply-for-trainee-position/32816

well daily stormer isnt private yet i dont think.

oh look the ingredient in nyquil isnt the same one in bendryl which causes dementia.

so i dont WANT a gurl like evalion the mudsharking narcissist sociopath bipolar borderline camwh0re. i want a gurl like That Woman wawawaawawa.

and if i had been a stronger healthier more well adjusted man, i could have had her. but i was too weak and she lost all respect for a weak man, AS SHE SHOULD. As All Women DO : Weak Men Don’t DESERVE women, let alone GOOD women.

if i had been better, stronger, more manly…..then i could have KEPT her. I wouldnt have pushed her away with my weakness, and I would have had a good white wife to have beautiful white children with, and we would luv each other till def do us part hahahahahaha.

because women are not like regular adults. they are somewhere between a child and an adult. closer to a child tbhfam hahahaha. and its just bad when an adult leans on a child. the child cant support an adult during the adults time of need.

june 6

had dumb dream with THAT WOMAN, well its been a few days so i guess i can expect 5 straight days of dreams with her hahaha. in this one i saw her and she was civil to me but also cold and emotionless. i was seething with anger below the surface and being very passive aggressive right off the bat. possibly she was Going Back To School. She talked about how she was doing great with her Husband. Oh, your HUSBAND? I didnt know you got married. Well, he’s not my husband yet, havent had the wedding yet.

then she says he works at this place I was at earlier in the dream where I was assisted by a very friendly normie alpha male who was mixed race. But he had strong white features and was tall and strong and quite handsome, except he had mocha brown skin and frizzy hair. He was very friendly and charismatic and confident. Seemed like a decent guy.

I described the guy and she said yep thats him!!!!!!! squeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! And I thought, well it figures she is in luv with a nonwhite hahahaha. but he actually seems ok and is more of a real man than me.  he is going to college to become a NURSE.

10 years ago I would have thought this was gay, but now I respect it. If you get a BSN degree, you can go far in life. ANd it takes a dedicated, hard working person to do that, and usually a moral person too. I know there is a stereotype about nurse women being batshit crazy, but I think the ones doing the more “hardcore” nursing of the BSN are….well they’re still crazy, but I think they are more moral too. not dirty pill popping cheaters.

also the Previous Woman did a BSN and she became hugely successful and had a great work ethic and she was decent to me.

so her HUSBAND was on a good career path. her handsome, big, strong, mulatto husband she was head over heels in love with. she doesn’t do much but hang out with him, she really luvs him.

So you gonna invite me to the wedding? probably not uh? (i was so passive aggressive.)

then she started getting more angry and said NO, because you didn’t even lift a finger to try to stay friends with me, you made no effort to stay in contact with me, I figured you didnt want to be friends anymore,

then I exploded, wrong wrong! I was heartbroken because YOU threw me away like a piece of GARBAGE! I thought YOU wanted nothing to do with me ever again! I was putting effort in and begging you to put effort in, but you just ignored and blocked me!

she just rolled her eyes and said whatever, repeated her thing about me obviously not being invested in the relship, then she ignored me and looked back to her College Studies to indicate this conversation was over, and I was enraged hahaha.

i recall she looked sluttier in the dream and maybe had some tattoos, where in real life she didnt look like a slut at all, and had no tattoos.

so i was furious, and i was being blamed again. i wanted her to admit some responsibility. not blame it all on me.

there was an earlier part of the dream, after I saw her big tall strong handsome mulatto Husbando, then I actually saw her in some back office, where she was working peacefully near this other woman I went to grade school with, who I should have pursued because she seemed like a really nice gurl hahahahaha. when we were 12 and 13 years old.

somehow we were talking about religion of all things, and I was like, so you guys like MARY? The Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother Of God?

and they were both like, no, not really, don’t really care for MARY that much, I can take her or leave her, pretty indifferent tbh, no big deal, idk, ikr, lol.

and I was just dumbfounded at this casual attitude towards MARY. i thought it was kinda disrespectful and disgusting.

of course, only CATHOLICS put a huge emphasis on MARY. I imagine other christians just dont think about Mary much. but STILL. the womens attitude in this dream seemed more disrespectful than some protestant who doesnt think about Mary a lot.

maybe it symbolizes how I really like Mary and she is my role model for Women. so it REALLY rustled muh jimmies to hear women saying, yeah i dont really care about Mary. Cuz essentially Mary is my IDEAL WOMAN hahahahaha.

heh. if someone wants SPACE from you, its ALSO their responsibility to define that SPACE and tell you exactly what they want you to do or dont do. and not use it as an excuse to avoid you indefinitely and avoid talking about your mutual issues indefinitely.  thats not SPACE, thats RUNNING AWAY. dont RUN AWAY and call it NEEDING SPACE. you have to COMMUNICATE.

yeah you can push away someone who initially just wanted space……but taking the space and never communicating looks a lot liek running a way. fook looks like, it IS running away.

go ahead, take your SPACE…….but COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!

just because you have space doesnt mean you get to treat the person with SILENT TREATMENT and avoiding!

because you want to know whats going on and i wanted space, now YOURE the bad guy and I get to upgrade my Space to the Silent Treatment and Blocking you entirely!

you want space, youre gonna have to show some GOOD FAITH and give some sort of detailed statement. write me a damn two page paper. more than 5 sentences. be sure to include a time when this ends. stop hiding shit from me. i will give you space but you gotta tell the WHOLE truth.

un fookin believable. pay 5 dollars to get a PDF of my Official Transcript but then it EXPIRES after like 7 or 8 weeks. 50 days I think. WOW. JUST WOW. And now I can’t get back into my own fooking transcript that I paid 5 dollars for a fooking pdf.

well I dug up an “unofficial” transcript. damn.

heh. now I have a 10 page “PACKET” that includes:

long resume, long cover letter, list of references, 2 letters of recommendation, and now “unofficial” transcripts of university undergrad and “postbacc” 70 credits of “useful” business and “IT” classes at “College.”

sending this shit out for 10 dollar an hour jobs hahahaha.

maybe that woman is going back to skool to finish her bachelors degree so she can get a better job and doesnt have to work in a 15 dollar an hour call center the rest of her life hahahaha. while her mulatto husband gets a BSN and they are madly in luv with each other forever.

OH WAIT, THAT PART ISNT REAL.

That’s another problem with these dreams. they are essentially more real to you than the reality, because this is all you get.

i just hate getting BLAMED FULLY for this. I dont mind sharing the blame. I will admit some responsibility. but i really want her to admit some responsibility too. don’t blame this ALL on me. im not even sure shes doing that. And I will NEVER be sure.

ooosh only 3 jobs applied today. looking at the jobs and feeling very low confidence. bad.

ok 4. with some “hip” outdoor company that asks what kind of music do you like on the fooking application. fooking phaggots. music is for DEGENERATE PHAGGOTS.  i was honest and told them the sick metal I listened to, because metal is now Cool and Gainfully Employed Millennials Like Metal, and also told them the Cool Guy Nonmetal stuff as well.

DESPAIR FORUM POST

Bless you for being willing to be there for him and to stand by him during this tough time! It warmed my heart to hear that there are people like you in the world. Depression is such a big factor in the end of so many relationships, and so often, it seems like the depressed person is blamed for pushing the other person away, or expect the other person to “fix” them or “cure” them, etc.

And I am sure this does indeed happen! At the same time, however, I am a big fan of making an effort to solve problems, and making an effort to communicate about things, and to put in the work to improve a relationship, rather than just dumping a person and leaving them in the lurch. So I am glad you are giving him a chance, rather than saying “Not my problem! You’re too much to handle! I’m done with you!”

BUT severely depressed people CAN be overbearing on their partners! And I think he is responsible for communicating with you. I have a pet peeve about silent treatment. I hate people ignoring and avoiding me. You can have space, but don’t try to avoid me indefinitely. I can’t read your mind. (I guess I am speaking to someone who recently hurt me by dumping me using avoiding and the silent treatment.)

Anyway, I am the world’s biggest fan of communication, and that would clearly be a very important thing to do here. But how do you make someone communicate, who doesn’t WANT to communicate, when you are very much wanting to communicate with them?!?! I wish I could tell you. I had the same problem. It seems like the classic “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”

So maybe let him know you will be there for him, but you are really worried, and starting to become frustrated, and you would really appreciate if he communicated with you after X days of “space.”

I don’t have a problem with needing space, but when the other person uses “space” as an excuse to avoid communication indefinitely……that infuriates me! And “space” is NOT a valid reason to avoid communication indefinitely. Ideally, the person who wants space, would also agree to communicate throughout the period of space, and also agree on a firm date when the “space” would come to an end.

I wonder if he would be willing to write you emails while he is having his “space?” I am a big fan of writing emails because a lot can be said in them. Important stuff that one might be too nervous to say face to face. Sometimes I get so emotional or afraid that I can’t say what I want to say, how I want to say it. So I prefer writing the person a long letter or email. Maybe he would be willing to do that. He’s got to be willing to do SOMETHING. Maybe he’s not strong enough to “meet you halfway”, but if he can’t meet you at least 1% of the way, then the relationship becomes totally one-sided.

I know if I were having problems with a loved one, I would be desperate to do whatever it took to keep them from leaving me, hahaha. I really don’t like being left, haha. But something like making an appointment with a therapist and having a group meeting, so the therapist can ideally help communication between both parties. Of course, me being willing to do this still wasn’t enough to keep the other person from leaving me. If they want to leave….there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Sorry, that sounded terrible! I am just coming out of a relationship where the person was not willing to put in any effort, and I was willing to do whatever it took to save the relationship. They left me, and I was ridiculously devastated for months.

Anyway good for you to be willing to make some effort during the tough times, but also try not to let him have power over you with his silence and stubbornness. Easier said than done I know! Maybe he would be willing to write you emails and to give SOME kind of meaningful communication while he is having his “space.”

Good luck and please keep us posted!

END POST

woman dealing with her desparing boifran, who has clammed up and wants space and she wants to support him but he wont talk, and she is afraid and frustrated. I was just glad she was WILLING TO PUT IN EFFORT and didnt just say pffft fook this shit ima find a stronger better man, this should be all fun all the time. a woman willing to STAND BY HER MAN through GOOD TIMES AND BAD. that is a damn beautiful thing.

i dont want to get in a rel with anyone because i cant imagine WANTING to get in a rel with anyone but HER even though i havent seen her in 11 months hahahaha.

i can envision banging sluts though. casual hangouts. this IS degenerate  but its 6000000 times more degen for the women than the men. i dont need to tell YOU why, but I do need to Mansplain to Women: Because Women Can Get Preggers!

and this is why so many people do casual secs, because they dont WANT a rel, and it hurts to think SHE is doing exactly that, having casual secs with guys because she doesnt want a rel. she is out there being a degen slut when i wanted her to be waifu 4 lyfe, mother of muh white children. she is just a casual slut. and most women are. or go through large periods of their life where they are casual sluts. same thing.

and i can’t even talk to the other 30 year old virgin males on despair forums who talk about maybe trying to practice on MILFs from tinder, without catladies on DF saying dont dehumanize them and treat them like low hanging fruit!

in other words women causing drama because they dont know what to say to men with Gurl Problems. This stuff needs to be in a MEN ONLY forum because women really have nothing useful to say here. They either Shame, or they give useless, wrong, if well-intentioned, “advice.” they cannot possibly understand what the man is going through. but other men, like me, DO. i give them much better advice hahaha. like i hear ya man, its rough, ive been through the same thing, women think im weird and i havent made out with a gurl in 10 years and even back then they thought my lack of experience was weird. so i say bend the truth and just try to get some experience with this milf. there will probably be stupid drama and flakeouts, but it will be some experience and hopefully you learn a little more about dealing with women’s bullshit and can be more confident when you approach more attractive women later.

and if 40 year old catladies read that, they go rabble rabble rabble and get all butthurt hahahaha. i mean i can totally see why. they cant handle the truth, thats why hahahahahahaha. the truth hurts. yeah the truth hurts me too. basically that i am not valuable enough to pull a woman as valuable as THAT WOMAN. she was OUT OF MUH LEAGUE. and i thought that her having no father, and her fam being a slightly lower Social Class than my fam, would help my odds a little bit, hahaha.  maybe if she were a huge slut, were a few years older, and had at least one kid, then THAT would help, hahahaha. oy vey.

 

 

 

 

ACCEPT THE OCCAM EXPLANATION / RUN AWAY / SLVTDAR

feb 23

had a dream last night with HER in it, but thankfully i dont remember much. i think we were both being passive aggressive to each other: nice on the surface, but not so nice not so far beneath the surface. i think i was trying to get her to hang out and was disappointed she kept avoiding it, and so i was a little upset about that. sound familiar hahahaha.  anyway thank GOD the dream was not too intense. not gonna ruin my day. it was short and i remember very little about it.

are women on christian mingle dotcom less slutty and disgusting than women on okcupid or tinder? it seems tinder skews young which is good…..but young also skews slutty which is bad. problem is, those older women arent any better. they were young sluts once, and you cant undo all those cox they took. now they just might be more slow to the secs because they are looking for a REAL MAN to support their bastard kids from a badboy. they are now old and mature enough to make YOU pay for the casual sex of their Slut Past. NOPE.

of course i hate casual sex, but i also dont like it when women give it away to everybody (but me hahaha) when they are young, then try to pretend they are a Decent Marriageable Woman when they get older. near 30.

its not like praying the gay away hahahaha. you just cant pray the slut past away hahahaha.

this is why i prefer women who were NEVER sluts EVER.  devalue yourself even once, devalue yourself forever. NOT EVEN ONCE.

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

why commit to a 30 year old with kids who are not yours, when she was giving up dat ass to everyone when she was 20 and looked a lot better? even created New Human Life with some of them?  you kinda HAVE to have children with her to kind of balance the scales……but would you really WANT to? NO! every man wants his children to be born by a woman where her first child is HIS!!!!! you WANT to be the father of a womans FIRST child!!!! pop her child bearing cherry hahahaha. hehehe that sounds degenerate, but its really a beautiful and sacred thing.

POST SHRINK WRAP UP

hehehe been seeing the shrink every 3 weeks. had a decent session today where i went right for what i really wanted to talk about: that person and how can i get over her. dealing with this pain. getting over her. moving on. basically became a talking version of this blog hahahaha.

i told the shrink (LMSW 36 year old woman, not some fancy rich j00ish phd or god forbid md psychiatrist, so “shrink” sends the wrong message. this is a place where REAL Working Class people go, or also court ordered people. real people with real problems, and i would wager some of them get Real Help! I am very satisfied with the quality of muh “therapist” which I believe is what they call themselves. therapist or counselor. social worker hahahaha. clinical social worker.)

my concern that i wanted a dr phil court of relationship law authority to weigh the evidence and say that i didnt do anything WRONG, that i had not done a horrible crime. the shrink played the dr phil role and repeated that i had done nothing wrong. i am a gentle kind person who does not do monstrous things. i didnt do anything bad or horrible and i certainly didnt deserve this.

and rather than take the interpretation that she HATES me and ACCUSES me of doing something WRONG, its really a more LIKELY explanation that she was just like a frightened animal. completely overwhelmed, oh crap i dont know what to do i dunno what to do i dunno what to do, so you run away! run away!!!!!! she didnt know how to deal with it, so she just decided NOT to deal with it AT ALL. just run away from it. doesnt mean she hates me. she probably DOESNT hate me. because we were friends and she appreciated that. but she had NO idea how to deal with the feelings that i was showing. she probably read those signals correctly and said NO. I CANT HANDLE THAT. THIS CANT BE. and decided to run away from it.

shrink said she seems kinda BASIC in that she’s a first level thinker, not gonna overthink stuff too much, and the simplest solution is probably the best here: she just was confused, overwhelmed, and scared, fight or flight kicked it, so she flew. fled. fleed. she prob doesnt HATE me and is not saying i did anything WRONG, although yeah you can see how i could take that interpretation of it. it is a valid interpretation of the event. but not the only one, and probably not the simplest one. and she was a pretty simple person. simple. basic. not the sharpest knife in the drawer. first level. not a deep thinker. not an overthinker. slightly dim and dull. the constant MJ did not help either.

saying that she thought this was a betrayal and hates me…well thats an extra step for a very simple mind. basically she just felt overwhelmed, confused, couldnt deal with it, didnt want to deal with it, and ran away, and is certainly not going to come back to deal with the fallout. just literally avoid it forever and forget about it.

she probably didnt realize how STRONG my feelings were and when it dawned on her exactly how strong they were, she got scared and confused and overwhelmed. it wasnt just some little crush. and yeah i understand how that could be a scary thing, to have someone LOVE you when you dont LOVE them back.

what do you do when you are scared and confused? RUN AWAY! it doesnt mean you hate the person or think they wronged you…..especially when you used to be good longterm friends. she probably DOES feel bad. she’s just too afraid to DEAL with it. she doesnt WANT to deal with it. she wont contact me, and she will block me when i try to contact her. she literally just cant even.

of COURSHE that sucks even more for me, that its like insult on top of injury. that i am hurt MORE by her being a Frightened Animal than by here simply saying sorry i dont feel the same way, sorry.

really i just wanted my FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED. rather than blocked. no one INTENDS to harm the one they are dumping…..but dumpings are INHERENTLY painful, so the COURTEOUS thing to do is say, i KNOW this hurts you, and IM SORRY. even if you didnt technically do anything wrong. just be sorry for their pain. show some compassion in the face of their pain. that you are unintentionally causing. acknowledge their feelings as real.

anyway i said i wouldnt be doing any detective work anymore to find any more of her dating profiles.

its not like i did this obsessively, i did it ONCE. well….

i DID try to get on tinder with the intention of finding her. when technical issues stopped me from getting on tinder, i then tried okcupid. found her so fast its not even funny. looked at the profile ONCE. then soon after deactivated my okcupid so i wouldnt look at her profile ever again.

i do not obsessively, constantly look at profiles in other words. i stopped doing that shit when i was 25 or so hahahaha. i mean post rejection. pre rejection, i looked at the fb profiles all the time.

i expressed my displeasure with the Moral Relativism Slippery Slope that nobodys responsible for anything because everythings a matter of perception. NO. some things are literally wrong and are not merely just in your head.

so she did something wrong, but there was probably not malice behind it. she was just a simple creature. i kind of like that in women, because it makes you kinda a protector or patriarch; AND it ensures they wont be concocting elaborate schemes to screw you and hurt you. and will have less complicated hamster rationalizations.

but it also means they sometimes obtusely miss the obvious. or they get scared by complicated things like friends getting feelings and dont know how to deal with it.

just make this problem go away. i cant deal with it.

yeah its kinda shitty of me to do but i just cant deal with it. i just cant talk to him at all. so its shitty of me. so be it, i cant talk to him. yeahs its shitty of me, yeah im sorry to hurt him, but i just CANT talk to him. period. no hate or malice. just total paralysis and fear and running away and avoidance. period.

and there is plenty of explanation why she Is That Way: tough childhood, father abandoned her, that explains everything always. shit yeah its SAD.

but yeah just because she might not HATE me, doesnt mean she secretly wants to talk to me again, she just needs to be Pushed or Approached by me. see how good pushing worked in the past. what i needed to do was say THIS ENDS NOW, enough of this, i want to hang out soon or i will not be happy, you make some TIME for me baby. i want to hang out with you, why dont you want to hang out with me? why are you AVOIDING me INDEFINITELY?

also i looked at a message she sent me in april i think, and she said, and i quote, “OF COURSE WE’LL HANG OUT SOON”. now THAT is the DEFINITION of a MIXED MESSAGE.

to say we’ll hang out soon, and then continue avoiding me for months. MIXED MESSAGE. what was i SUPPOSED to think???? and of course i wanted to hang out. that was my ideal hahahaha. and i had an idealized vision of her, because thats what LUV DOES. you IDEALIZE the other person. put them on a little bit of a PEDESTAL. which is what Kabob Rapist PUA Manospheres dont seem to understand.

i do blame women because women are the gatekeepers of sex, they CONTROL THE SUPPLY. so there would not be these sleazy pickup artists, if there were no sleazy women giving it up to them. the women could just say no. JUST SAY NO TO CASUAL SEX. and i would wager only a very SMALL minoirty of those pickup sleazebags are ACTUAL rapists, in other words, if a woman refuses, the PUA will say ok fine baby, i’ll just go bang some other skank then. he’s not gonna hold the woman down and raep her. they may be degenerate, but theyre not THAT evil.

so yeah just say no to sodomy, ie degenerate sex, casual sex, and then the pua’s will disappear because there wont be any SLUTS to have casual sex with them!!!!

this doesnt absolve pua’s of all responsibility though. they should just say no to sluts. kinda hard for guys to turn down secs though. but still. to make a lifestyle and a whole movement about banging sluts your WHOLE LIFE LONG, thats fooking degenerate. maybe bang a FEW sluts at most, but you should be married to a nice gurl by the time you are 25 and she is 18 hahahaha and then immediately start having children.

as they say on the daily show episode 72

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/02/17/the-daily-shoah-72-peanut-butter-gasmask-sandwiches/

dont Go Your Own Way, rather, Get Your Own Wife!!!!!

basically, being a PUA is like being a r-selected negro. MUH DICKIN your whole life, banging anything that moves, pump and dump, abandoning your children, being a deadbeat, only thinking about MUH DICK. we are BETTER than that.

of course this doesnt mean Man Up And Marry Those Sluts. NEVER Marry a Slut, or even an Ex Slut.

well, unless she is ASHAMED and REPENTANT of her slut days, wasnt TOO big of a slut back then, and could write you a 10,000 word essay right now on Why Slutting Is Bad and Shameful, and you could read it over and say yep she understands. ie not “being a slut is wrong because it makes jesus cry.” NO. of course it DOES, but thats not why its wrong. its wrong because it degrades the sacred purpose of sex and the sacred RESPONSIBILITY of women as life creators.

THINK LESS WITH YOUR CLITORIS AND MORE WITH YOUR UTERUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ThinkWithYourUterusNotYourClitoris

#TWYUNYC

being a slut is the equivalent of being a MUH DICK PUA. muh clitoris. muh tingles. muh recreational casual no strings attached secs. NO. there SHOULD be strings attached. ALWAYS. strings are GOOD AND NATURAL AND RIGHT AND JUST.

cuz i admit, its HARD to find a woman who hasnt had a Slut Phase when she was Young and Stupid. I did stupid shit when i was young, lots of it, and i regret it now, and i’ve ALREADY written MANY 10,000 word essays on WHY its wrong and shameful to be a damn degenerate hedonist smoking MJ and drinking alcohol all the time, and being a damn coward not grabbing life by the horns, taking the path of least resistance. fook yeah i was a degenerate too, so i have NO RIGHT to turn down sluts.

SLUTS ARE THE BEST I CAN GET hehehehe.

yeah well i still dont like em. i dont care if i dont have the right to not like them hahahaha i will dislike them anyway.

but yeah she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. part of that came from the MJ but i think part of it was natural too. especially when it came to THinking and Talking about Relationships. i was 9000000000000000 times more articulate and Intelligent than her in this area.

the better interpretation is that she jsut got SCARED, CONFUSED, and OVERWHELMED, said I cant deal with this, and just ran away.

NOT she HATES me for BETRAYING her. that is a bridge too far and she might not have been Sophisticated enough to come up with such a sophisticated error in logic.

well women arent logical of course but…..i mean the second situation is just more complicated and we should really go with occams razor just because why not. it would do ME a hell of a lot better to do occams razor, PLUS there is at LEAST a 50% chance the occam option is the correct one, so why not choose it????!!??!?!?!

lars ulrich is 25% jewish today i learned hahahaha from hearsay on his wikipedia hahahaha that one grandmother was jewish hahahahaha. yes it seems to check out. his full white grandfather married a jewish woman and lars father is thus half jewish hahahaha.

well, what if That Woman was not a Full Jew? if she were only a half jew, then lars would only be 12.5% jewish. and that’s not so bad is it?

its twice as good as being 25% hahahahaha.

for ME, 6.25% would be the MAXIMUM i would tolerate for mothers of muh children. the absolute maximum.

hehehe how many blacks would i tolerate the mother of my white children to have fooked in her colaburning past?

uh well at least one apparently HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i cant even see myself supporting two. one is real iffy, two is just over the line.

also, its REALLY RARE that a woman is just with ONE black guy. AND they havent been with a lot of guys total. 99% of the time, if they been with one black guy, they’ve been with a LOT of guys, period, too many, and PROBABLY more than ONE black guy in there.

so i was facing a REALLY RARE UNIQUE situation in my own life. do i accept a woman who had been with one and only one black guy, and not a lot of guys total? i mean this sounds like a total UNICORN!

but that was the reality. well, NOW, she is probably going to BECOME a slut, add a LOT of guys to her once-small number, and PROBABLY add some more black guys to that too. damn. its SAD to see a nonslut BECOME a slut. and at an older age too. its SAD. usually a slut is a slut by the time they are 21. they dont START BEING a slut well AFTER 21. but thats the risk she is facing.

i guess i WANT her to become a slut because then it proves that i will have dodged a bullet. but what if she continues being a Prudent, Low Number, Non Casual Sex Liking woman? Virtuous and Moral? well good for her and her future husband hahahaha. bad for me hahahahaha.

yeah its just jeeeeeez. wish she coulda been more mature. just wrote a damn email, a text, had someone ELSE send a message on her behalf, done ANYTHING.

but its better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her “throwing me away like a piece of garbage.”

but fook i sure feel like i was TALAPOG.

well, MUCH better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her Punishing Me for Committing a Crime against her, or her Actively Hating me for a wrong reason, and doing this to me because of that hate.

she was just scared and completely overwhlemed.

oh well thats my FAULT though. i made her get completely overwhelmed.

yeah well my feelings werent gonna change. and she could have hung out wiht me rather than AVOIDED hanging out for 10 months, WHILE saying things like “yes we will hang out soon!”

0224

yeah so i think that was a real productive meeting with the shrink.

but it introduced a new bad idea: if i buy into the Healthier Occam explanation of she doesnt HATE me, she’s not MISUNDERSTANDING me as “betraying her”, and that in reality she was just scared and overwhlemed and didnt want to deal with it and Ran Away………THEN that might make her more likely to respond to me contacting her, than if she hated me. if she doesnt hate me, then i have a better chance at getting her to apologize to me.

and if she doesnt HATE me, perhaps I could Convince her to hang out with me again, we got along so well, lets restart our friendship, we are good people who are good for each other.

and then if i hung out with her, i would ABSOLUTELY try to make a Move on her; i would fall in love with her IMMEDIATELY, the love feelings would CERTAINLY come rushing back the moment she responded to me, and i would be scheming and pushing her to hang out and i would be ALL OVER HER trying to date her.

and that has NEVER worked out well. i have “Rekindled” things with woman2004 and 2005, and it sucked with both of them. i should have never went barking up those trees. it took courage yes, but it also did no good for me. i just got my hopes up AGAIN, and they disappointed me AGAIN, and i hated them more.

also, yes i would like an apology, but would it really be WORTH IT to reach out to her and ask for it? given all those others, given that my ultimate goal would be to Get With Her, no it wouldnt. PLUS what i really want is an unforced, unprompted apology. i want her to apologize of her own free will, not because i ask her to apologise. also, the ball has been in her court since……always really. since she started AVOIDING me in fooking fall 2014. so now im gonna send another ball to her court asking for an apology? fook no. the apology isnt WORTH IT if THATS what i have to do to get it.

PLUS: even if i COULD convince her to apologize, and convince her hang out….you think she would be all excited and happy and lovey dovey at that hangout? i would be trying to touch her and make out with her and she would probably be like ew no. im fooking 3 guys from tinder right now and you are just too weird. dont you remember when i said i wasnt into you.

and I would look pushy, because it WOULD be kinda pushy, and she would REALLY see me as the bad guy, AND she wouldnt understand or care about my pain abotu being thrown away. she would say UGH im GLAD i threw you away because you are a pushy annoying little faggot bitch, trying to scheme your way into muh pants. gtfo weirdo creeper, our friendship has been over for a long time. without taking any responsibility for the terrible ending of that friendship.

heh. this is the bad thing about being pushy. i dont think its the biggest crime in the world but women HATE it and its enough to convince them you’re the bad guy and they did NOTHING wrong and are RIGHT to treat you like shit. i dont think being pushy is that bad! i agree its not awesome, its beeta and weak, but its not as BAD as these women make it out to be!

so the alternative to being pushy and needling and wheedling and trying to Chip Away at them…..is to be direct and say…..i still have feelings for you, do you wanna try Dating? and i would have to say that very early. cuz that is my intention. i dont WANT to rekindle a platonic friendship, i still want to DATE her.

and what do you think she would say? UGH. SIGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. I NEED SOME SPACE.

HINT: THIS MEANS NO.

and then i would try to give them space, she would continue avoiding the issue, i would get impatient finally and start being pushy, and the more i pushed, the more she would shut down and pull away. just like what happened before. except maybe with more communication.

and theres a good chance that she would not be capable of GOOD communication on this. it would always be UGH. stop pushing me. stop being annoying. i dont know. im not sure. i dont know. i dont know. this is not fun. the guys from tinder are FUN. they dont ask all these intense questions.

she would always have one foot out the door in other words. she would not be fully committed to me. she wouldnt even be able to say YES or NO. she would say I DONT KNOW but PROBABLY mean NO. And I would have the pain of seeing her, and seeing her reject me, and seeing her grow to hate me, seeing her fook Fun Diseased Degens from Tinder, while being bitchy and avoiding me. more than likely ending in a Second Dumping, and maybe even a Second Ghosting, and this time I could be SURE that she hated me, for being pushy and annoying, AND would care even LESS about hurting me, because i was really a Jerk, she didnt realize what a Jerk I was, but I am, and I deserve to be shut down harshly.

it would likely play out like that, and thus be even WORSE than when i rekindled with w04 and w05. with them i was able to guilt them into a few make-out sessions. which got my hopes way up. but they didnt really want to date me tho, and essentially ended up dumping me a second time, and boy did i hate them for that. but i really brought it all on myself.

it would be DIFFERENT if she contacted ME, she apologized to ME unprompted, she asked ME to hang out, and she showed a lot of concern about MY feelings, and sincere remorse for hurting me, AND said YES to the idea of Dating, rather than I DUNNO. If she came up to me out of the blue, and was super NICE, and smiling and warm; and i touched her and she smiled, and then we started making out, and there would be no UGH or SIGH or Stahp It. Just Stahp. but rather yes, i have been thinking about this, and i think yes there is a good chance here. then THAT would be different.

but imagine if i through my pushiness i guilted her in to making out with me, and then having secs with me, and after just a little making out and one secs session, i would be more in luv with her than ever before. and imagine if she were to dump me right after that. i would be just as devastated as i was before, maybe even more, after having penetrated her soft white body which would DEFINITELY cause my feelings to get even STRONGER.

basically, she would need to have as STRONG of feelings for me as i have for her…..and that is basically IMPOSSIBLE.

I wouldnt need just a YES, in other words, but a STRONG YES.

when more than likely i would get an uncommittal, avoidant IDUNNO.

IF i were able to convince and push her to hang out.

because its still 70% chance at least that she would just not respond ANYWAY. She would be VERY likely to say, OH GOD ITS HIM AGAIN, HES BACK!!!!!! and then switch RIGHT back into flight mode and avoid, ignore, and block me. because she cant deal with it. i cant even.

also, if we reconnected, we would HAVE to deal with the fallout of the past. deal with that baggage of how things ended in the first place. deal with the things that led up to that. not just ignore those things and attempt to start off on a clean slate. becuase its not a clean slate and can never be, with past shit like that. the past is the past, its done and gone, but here IMHO we would NEED to resolve it, because its fooking unresolved as fook.

i think with the previous women where i reconnected, we never really dealt with the past, just ignored it.

also, they had just lost interest in me the second time around. shit they lost interest the FIRST time around, thats why they dumped me: they were just not interested in a rel. they were all idunno until a few weeks/months with the likes of me, mr needy and clingy, got them to make up their mind, to a DEFINITE NO.

and with That Woman, we never made out, had secs, or pseudodated in the first place! there was no ambiguity of us Going Through the Motions of an Intimate Relationship, doing things Lovers Do, like Making Out and Secs and Romance.

which is the benefit of having Romance Early. but then they always want to have Secs too early too. sluts. romance early is good because you’re signalling to each other that you view each other with Potential, you find each other attractive, youre interested in possibly dating them, you possibly might like like them, or get feelings for them.

its different than Friends First where one person has feelings, and the other person doesnt. its less one sided in other words.

that doesnt mean Friends First would never work. I still really like the idea of Friends First. I think Friends First guarantees that your feelings are strong and real and longterm. however its more painful when you get rejected hehehehe.

so, ideally, you would be Friends First, then BOTH people gradually develop feelings after time. BOTH.

also, just wanted to mention that there was no tension when i first met her and she was with the first guy, because i WONT EVEN ALLOW myself to get feelings for a woman who is not available, who has a longterm boifran. I will put her OFF LIMITS in my mind RIGHT AWAY. thats essentially what i did with her. i was like, shes got a boifran, well then she is off limits. simple as that. she’s just off limits. im not gonna get TOO close with her, I’m gonna keep this very professional and platonic. and i had no problem doing that.

but once that BF was GONE, i started feeling differently. this was NO COINCIDENCE. now that she WAS single, I was able to ALLOW MYSELF to start thinking about her differently. and THEN the tension came in.

but point is, I dont think its BAD to “force yourself” to consider the person “off limits” while they are with someone else. it doesnt seem like forcing. i honestly didnt have tension with her then, and didnt think of her that way. i didnt write about it, i didnt THINK about it.

literally! notice that before I Got Feelings, I barely even WROTE about her, other than to say she was a very nice girl, a decent female friend, and its kinda WEIRD that i’m not in luv with her, but i respect the rel she has with her BF, and i honestly have no desire to interfere with that. and that was true!

it was only AFTER they were done, that shit started getting PROBLEMATIC hehehehe.

I am really good at stopping feelings from starting i guess. oh hey thats good if i ever want to start having degenerate casual sex, i can force myself not to ever get feelings hahahaha.

well no. i think when you make out, cuddle, and especially have SEX with someone, it triggers something primal in your brain, oxytocin probably, and it MAKES you have feelings for them, and you shouldnt try to extinguish that, or else you become a cold heart cok carousel rider with the 1000 cok stare. burn yourself out. not good.

yeah. its just sad. we got along SO GOOD (well) as Just Friends. We supported each other and liked and respected each other and made each other feel good and it was nice just Spanning Time together. A Real Good Connection. It was a platonic friendship but not like with a man, just because she was naturally gentler and warmer and more feminine than a man, i liked that, and all this really CAUSED me to get feelings for her. I thought it could have been smooth transition. we would essential keep our good, close, friendly, supportive rel, and “just” add loving secs, loving cuddles, making out to it. and spend more time together, doing all that stuff, and just become closer as a result. it seemed like a change in degree rather than in kind. like we would go from becoming good friends, to becoming great very very close intimate emotionally supportive friends, who cuddled and fooked and loved each other. it was a change but the change made sense, a sensible continuation down this path, our shared path hahahaha.

she was great as a Platonic Friend, and I think she would have been great as a Gurlfran, but fact is, she would have been TERRIBLE as a gurlfran, as shown by the way she acted. i honestly didnt expect. she was a decent good friend who showed compassion and support and sweetness, so i figured if she didnt want to take it to the next level, she would reject me with that same compassion and caring about my feelings. rather than turning into a completely different person. i didnt expect that.

but yeah. i remember the platonic days and how WELL we got along; and how MUCH that DIFFERED from the end. she couldnt handle it and became SO distant and SO different!!!!

very sad. sad sad sad. it was a good friendship that had inherent value. she was a big person in my life. i used to be a big person in her life too. it didnt always used to be so one sided. it wasnt all a fantasy in my head like it was with previous women.

i watched intervention and there was sonia and julia

which i had never seen the whole episode and had been wanting to. but it was very sad and moving. but i had some interesting reactions. like i thought the girls were really cute, well they needed to GAIN WEIGHT hahaha and stop being sickly skeletons. gain like 30 or 40 pounds i dunno. and they obviously needed to be separated. and it was obviously their parents loved them unlike some of the intervention parents who are very cold and hateful and unfeeling and unloving. however the parents can never understand, and they unintentionally enable, and really cant help the girls. plus i dont think they needed to give their “bottom lines”, where you basically say, if you dont go to rehab, i am disowning you and kicking you out on the street and giving you tuff luv. the one girl says, i dont want to hear the bottom line, and the mother says it anyway.

in some cases the bottom line may be good, but not here. are you seriously gonna throw these poor gurls out on the street? they would be eaten alive. they would be raped the shit out of, and die very quickly. and the parents loved the gurls enough that i dont think they WOULD kick them out on the streets. but they were terrible commuincators in english. i thought they should have done the intervention in their native polish language rather than making the parents speak their horrible english. (they should have spoken much better english after being in USA 20+ years.) (I also love Poles, they are some of the greatest people in the world ever, so naturally i wanted to marry one of these polish gurls.) I thought a better bottom line would be, have one sister stay with the older sister, and the other twin could stay with the parents.

Or, better yet, arrange a marriage with a decent young man! i honestly think that would be a viable solution here. they could certainly find a young, well-adjusted, loving, non abusive, gainfully employed, white polish young man/men for the gurls to marry! there are men LINING UP to WHITE KNIGHT for Severely Emotionally Disturbed Gurls!!!!!

and then i thought, how weird is this. I am saying i would wilfully marry a gurl who is BATSHIT insane, just because she is cute and young and comes from a traditional family and probably hasnt been with a lot of guys. They gave the impression of not being sluts. Because their Traditional Father would not allow it. and they had Secsual Innocence about them. you can feel it when a gurl hasnt been with Too Many Gurls. Slut Radar.

SLUT RADAR! SLUTDAR!!!!!!

they were batshit insane, but they were not sluts! and here i am lining up to marry a young gurl i dont know, who is batshit fooking insane, clearly, and would always have that baggage, and that wasnt ultimately a dealbreaker for me! its more important that they were young, cute, innocent, trad fam, polish! with those pros i could overlook a HELL of a lot, including insane Codependence and Deadly Anorexia!

I thought, well, I’ll take the one with PRoblem Hair cuz she is a little cuter, well hell I’m an old loser, I’ll take the LESS cute one i dont care, I will treat her well, not cheat on her, get some food in her, put some babies in her. having a baby would fix her right up! also i would treat her well, get her to a decent weight, because I like to eat, so i would get her to eat. I would find a way. I’d keep her apart from her twin sister when it was unhealthy. I would cuddle with her and make babies with her and make her nice and healthy and happy. just promise that she wont abandon me or screw me over or cheat on me and we will live happily ever after in a traditional family. i am even interested in learning polish language, i fooking LOVE poles, i come from polish stock myself and would LOVE to have polish babies with a polish gurl like your batshit crazy anorexic but not-slutty daughter sir.

i would take a super crazy anorexic NUTCASE, over a garden variety slut. over a gurl that has been with…..more than 5 guys.

because a slut is inherently crazy. being a slut makes you crazy and sociopathic and antisocial. average slut is crazier than a BATSHIT crazy nonslut! ie, sluts are MORE THAN BATSHIT crazy!!!!!

they seemed to be doing OK after their treatment, gaining some much needed weight, having Healthy Boundaries, and then it said that they went on to Graduate College and Move to Different Cities. of course that got my mind working. what did they major in. what JOBS did they get. how do batshit crazy people interview for Good Jobs and GET them. which essentially makes them more Emotionally and Life Mature than me, hahahahaha.

did they become huge SLUTS after they went back to college/ became successful independent adults? or did they stick with their traditional family values?

their older nontwin sister seemed ok and she got married at a nowadays young age to a decent looking goy. i dont think SHE slutted it up either. and said nope no carousel for me, i want to get MARRIED. this is the proper way for all women to be.

A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PATIENT PREDATOR

0118

heh in a way I feel betrayed. i know she didnt LUV me but I thought she still liked me as a friend and cared abotu me as a person. well maybe she did. all im saying is i didnt think she would or was capable of throwing me away like that. because really. its not that hard to write one email or one text, or delegate your mom as your messenger even.

and again this wasnt drifting away. ive had the drift away occur, and there you always remember the other person fondly. and could probably pick back up again with the person if you saw them again. nobody did anything betraying or hurtful.

there is something called “the slow fade” which doesnt make sense to me. this is when you gradually stop responding to someone. that sounds kinda shitty.  i am terrible about initiating contact with people but i always RESPOND.

anyway my god. i will never do this to someone. say some undesireable woman falls in luv with ME and i say oh god this has to end, i def dont luv you. i would treat her like a human being at least and tell her baby this has to end, i just dont feel that way, IM SORRY, i cant be who you want me to be, so this has to end, best wishes, the end. dont waste your time with me, find someone who does luv you.

see how quick and easy that was?

well maybe she didnt want to deal with me trying to Negotiate Afterwards. like Pushing after the Breakup and refusing to accept it. kinda like i did with woman2005. she dumped me but i didnt accept it and continued talking to her and trying to get her to take me back.

not that woman2015 knew anything about that hahahaha. besides i am a little more mature now than i was then.

heh. all the trouble people have with relationships are due to womens shitty communication skills. period. men are natural born high verbal IQ, good communicators, and problem solvers. women are like bratty sullen children that expect you to read their crazy chaotic confused mind. period. hahahaha. its amazing men CAN get feelings for women. well, women can control that by turning on that “feminine charm” of being nice, warm, and supportive, interested, add some cuddling and secs and boom the ans oxytocin is turned on. then she does a 180 and is a cold brick wall. wtf. so stupid.

SELF SOOTHING. this is a phrase i had never heard a year ago but ive been paying more and more attention to it. i could never self soothe. when you get anxious or mad you have to be able to soothe yourself. beating off to pron was a way i THOUGHT i was self soothing. oh yes goy its a good way to relieve tension and anger, just beat off erry day to degen pron. NOPE.

other big methods of self soothing were alcohol and MJ.  NOPE. also not self soothing.

cuz all those, you’re taking an EXTERNAL STIMULUS. dependent on somehting outside of you.

now cuddling with another person is indeed very soothing and better than all those things, but its still external. besides, they dont really understand you goy, theyre losing interest in you anyway hahahaha and wont be around to cuddle for long.

so you need to be able to self soothe and just sit there by yourself, no external ANYTHING, and say, ok, calm down, keep calm and carry on, everything is gonna be ok. and this is very hard to do! many of us are horrible at this!

i sure am! if anythign we self blame and self torture and get yourself even MORE stressed out when left to your own internal devices! and using external poison like drugs or pron might even be BETTER! because it gives at least some minor short term comfort.

shit i know what she would say: “he was just acting TOO WEIRD and i just couldnt take it anymore.” the end.

yeah well like it or not you played a role in this baby.  i didnt decide to just turn weird overnight. if you were willing to listen to me explain the weirdness then it would be so weird.

feels like -3 outside yikes hahahaa.

someone on TRS said to neets, go get yourself a shitty min wage job, because thats not a job a nonwhite could be taking. if for nothing else.

yeah things were weird. i agree. but i was willing to talk and exchange thoughts and feelings and words and essentially willing to face this like an adult. she was not. not willing to talk. not willing to share anything. just run away. and

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-squashing-romantic-feelings-for-friend-isnt-a-long-term-solution/2012/04/10/gIQArq1s8S_story.html

http://www.xkcd.com/513/

this kind of stuff implies that women have no agency hahahaha well the xkcd i mean. i will eventually tell grils that i like them and then things will go horribly wrong. i think the xkcd is implying a weak guy who is in luv with the gril from the beginning but does a Deception Friendship because its Safer.

thats NOT what i did. we just became friends naturally with no deception. then a long time afterwards, i got feelings. this xkcd is not relevant to that at all.

but maybe she thought i was deceiving her. which would be a horrible misunderstanding. that she wasnt willing to listen to me mansplain haahah.

also unlike the wapo letter writter, i did not have feelings “FOR YEARS”, also i did not see any HURDLES other than her dating other guys.  so when she became single i began showing my feelings, she got increasingly uncomfortable, she refused to hang out with me, and that escalated till it exploded, she stopped talking to me, AND i confessed my full feelings hahahaha.

i never really made myself a martyr FOR YEARS and watched her get with SEVERAL guys. when i met her she was with one guy. that was ok with me. i didnt have feels. then then broke up. then i kinda got feels. then i deduced she was dating some other guy. then i really got feels! then soon after she was done with him. then i turned up the hints to her. then she got more and more uncomfortable. then shit blew up and she walked away forever hehehe. although i did tell her how i felt. but maybe she didnt read it cuz she was already blocking me by then hahaha.

either way i took a lot more action, a lot more quickly, than the wapo guy.

there is a male commenter who says that all men are passive agressive patient predators. i would disagree of coursh, but what if she thought i was being a Patient Predator? I WASNT! IT LEGIT CAME ABOUT LATE, NOT EARLY!!!! this is a point i tried to hammer home because i realized it could be misunderstood as deception., if she thought i had dual intent all along. WHICH I DIDNT. i am not a fooking liar who was “secretly waiting to pounce.”

besides if she wasnt reading my signals, then she wouldnt have reacted the way she did. in other words, she WAS reading my signals BECAUSE she was reacting by pulling away / shutting down. I changed, she changed. not i changed, she stayed the same. if she stayed the same, she prob would have hung out with me and continued being friendly to me!

so yeah i am glad to be morally superior to the pussy beeta letter writer hahaha.

anyway women get feelings for their male friends all the time, usually the alpha ones who have their choice of women.

it was never on the back burner, it was never discontinuous, it really couldnt have gone on any longer than the almost 10 months the feelings did. the started and then it was off to the races. and grew and boiled until they boiled over. they never cooled off. or simmered for YEARS.

europeans spell kebab kebab, and some americans spell it kabob hahahaha.

its hard to find advice on the internet here because this is a very unique situation. because she was not actually my lover, but she was not quite my friend either. its a former friend abandoning you and flipping out when you fall in luv with them.

here is some great copypasta reagrding gay degeneracy which ifound on TRS, but was originally posted on MPC i think, these are the type of people you want adopting children and raising families:

QUOTE:

I worked in an inner city major hospital as an ED nurse for 12 years. I have so many stories I don’t even know where to start. The accidents, illnesses…things people couldn’t control should not be talked about. But the others….insanity. For a period of time in Houston there was a trend among certain members of an extreme segment of the gay community to have “mummification parties.” A man comes into the ED in a home-made body cast, head to toe, with openings for his nose, mouth anus and genitals. The idea, I was told was to force ejaculation through the use of a cattle prod, rectally, and to use the other openings as the participants wished, while the “mummy” was helpless to resist. This one group decided to use direct 220 V current from a dryer outlet, placing a metal rod into his rectum, and a clamp on his scrotum. The man had expelled all fluids he had to expel, and had essentially cooked in the body cast. His eyeballs had exploded. I was never sure why he was even brought in by EMS, because he was obviously dead, but I got the initial job of cutting the cast off. The smell of burnt flesh was something that was intense enough to make me retch. Describing the state of the body is probably not even required…just think of a human hot dog, cooked far too long, and left to die in a plaster cast. His abdomen, unable to expand in the cast, had split and cooked feces and viscera had saturated the cast. Once the autopsy was done, it was found he had dozens of broken bones. This was perhaps one of the most horrific deaths I had ever seen. I’m sure someone will say I am bashing gays here…bullshit, I’m bashing human stupidity and the fact that a human life was utterly wasted.

END

this could just be an urban legend which never happened. there was a similar story about a dead gay mummy in houston, in the weekly world news. not nearly this horrifying tho.

hehehe. AM I EXPECTING TOO MUCH OUT OF WOMEN?

i am butthurt about not being communicated with, about being thrown away and treated like dirt……but maybe women just arent ABLE to be any more mature than this, and EXPECTING them to be mature is just unfair to them! men and women are DIFFERENT! so we should expect different levels of Relationship Management Maturity!

yes i believe men and women are very different but i dont believe they are different in this way. i mean i already know for a fact that not all women are like this. shit.  in fact the MAJORITY of my rejections from women have been dealt thru verbal communications.

those are just so long ago and this one seems more real. yeah its more recent but those other things REALLY happened too.

note: there are tons of women complaining about men who are not mature. but we know there are plenty of mature men out there. these women are just mad they CHOSE POORLY.

i didnt choose poorly though. i thought she WAS mature. she SEEMED mature. mainly because she was chill, undramatic, not hysterical, down to earth, and didnt open her legs to every chad, tyrone, and mohamed.

well the lesson learned was to be autistic about maturity hahaha because just because a girl isnt a SLUT, doesnt mean she can handle her rel with YOU like an ADULT.

also the only reason she was chill was because she was addicted to MJ hahahahahahaha.

EXPAND YOUR MIND and RELAX in a safe holistic non addictive way, goy!!!!!

really this probably enabled her to become so good at IGNORING and AVOIDING and ABORTING things. just smoke MJ and FORGET IT ALL………

well she handled other guys maturely….maybe the common denom here is ME. i am so fooked up i dont deserve to be treated maturely. or with any respect. heh. well other women had the guts to tell me, rather than just avoiding me.

now i didnt believe them.

WELL thats wrong, i believed woman2012!!!!!

and i sorta beleive woman2015……..i just really wish shed done it differently! i mean i believe she doesnt want to date me hahahahaha. but why do it so hatefully. well it wasnt hate it was just cowardice and immaturity and avoidance. end result ie muh pain is the same though. muh fee fees.

gotta get TOUGHER!!!! how do you do that? LIFT! and go out there and approach every day, and get rejected every day!

i really dont even care about approaching though, i still want HER even though i know its over. i dont want anyone else. i mean i dont even notice gurls anymore who arent super hawt…..and those are out of the league anyway. like if they arent a 20 year old perfect 10, they are invisible to me.

even though she was a 25 year old 6 or 7! but to me she was muh perfect 10 because loving somebody brings them UP a few points. not all men can appreciate this or even understand it. some men would say i am lying, but i am not. she was a 7 at BEST but to me she was the purtiest gurl in the world.

just be moar alpha bro. this wouldna happened if i had just been more alpha. so qed it was my FAULT.

not all women are like that. the vast majority of women who have rejected me have been mature enough to TELL me.

DIDNT EVEN TRY

108

it has been like 85 days since i was destroyed and today i feel meh i dunno of course angry and disappointed about that but also worried about muh future and how i threw it all away “simply” because i didnt want to work with her being a damn hateful B to me hahahaha.

LETTER PORTION:

yeah i know it sucks when somebody is annoying you, but couldnt you see where i was coming from? that i wanted to talk, to figure a problem out? sure i was about as mature as a 16 year old in handling this, but you were mature as a 2 year old hahahaha.

imagine when you first met [main bf] you started off as just friends. you became good friends over the course of 2 years. then you realized you liked him as more than a friend and wanted to have a more intimate rel with him. then imagine as soon as you realized that, he began pulling away from you more and more over the next 10 months. you would try to hang out with him and talk to him and send him signals, but he kept pulling away. but on the surface you would pretend to be friends which gave you hope that you would at least settle this someone. but it was incrasingly stressful and one day he stopped talking to you altogether. you knew there was tension but you didnt expect this. also imagine you both worked together at a job you absolutely despised and which made you really nervous. but he seemed to be ok with it. but that didnt help you any because he was distant from you and didnt really want to help you with the job, let alone be your friend and hang out with you like he used. you hadnt even hung out in 10 months. no hanging out, no dinners, no movies, no good talks. you could not take it much longer, it felt liek something was gonna break. you wrote him a letter expressing your desire to talk and resstablish a connection but he didnt do anything in response. and then imagine the nice relationship you had never existed, and ended before it began, with him suddenly dumping you and getting really mad at you, when all you really wanted to do was have an honest serious talk with him about how you liked him a lot. the end.

can you see how that would be pretty bad for you?

i was also angry at how you NEVER EVEN TRIED. I may have tried in a ridiculous way, but i tried. you did not seem to try at all. even if you had just told me “im trying” that would have been better. or saying “i really want to try”. but that would involve talking to me hahaha ok thats angry. i am sort of angry at you. i wasnt perfect but neither were you, and you really disappointed me, i think you could have tried a lot more, i thought you cared about me more, so yes i am angry about that. i will get over it but it takes time. im getting over it slowly and forgiving you slowly and letting go slowly but one day it will be 100%.

 

 

////// END LETTER PORTION

yeah going on linkedin is rarely a good idea because you see how successful everyone is. making a good living, doing jobs at like age 23 that you could never get hired into at age 30, making new connections every week, looking and doing professional things, moving from job to job with no gaps.

also there i can still stalk the female. she is not active at all, in fact i was her one and only connection, and since i dropped that on my initiation, she now has had 0 connections ever since i did that. so naturally whenever i go on linkedin i look to see if shes updated her profile, made any more connections, etc.  i suppose its inevitable. i mean anyone whos anyone is on linkedin. if you want to be a responsible middle working class adult and make more than 15 DAH, you have to be on linkedin or youre fooked.

but i saw some weird stuff, like people who went to undergrad at the same prestigious top 30 university in the world as did I, and rather than go to Harvard Law or Stanford PhD or UPenn MBA, they did a masters degree in something kinda useless at a second or third tier uni (no, not an online thing, that would be like 5th tier!) and of course are now not working in that field whatsoever, because jobs dont even exist for it. but rather than complain and whining and freaking out, they just Suck It Up and work their client manager job or whatever and make 17 DAH hahahaha.

yesterday i worried a bit o she dumped me because i pushed her because i was too passive aggressive to her.

then i realized how ridiculous i sounded. i was PA to her???? she was EVEN MORE PA to ME!!!!!!!!!!

but thats just because i was PA to her, so i forced her to be PA right back. every action has equal and opposite reaction.

ok well this reaction was NOT equal in magnitude, it was WAY out of proportion. and way more PA.

i was like wanna hang out wanna hang out, she was like not right now but later, then i never want to talk to you again hahahaha.

again none of this is spectacular, 1000000000s of other people have experienced same thing.

BUT it IS different, cuz we were friends for 2 years before all this, so yeah i think that entitles me to more respect, more of a chance to talk, being treated better, from being a person in her life that she knew and liked.  so show me some god damn sympathy when you Have To Let Go of me at least.

EVERY job is not going to train you properly. EVERY job is gonna throw you to the wolves. so you “JUST” have to ask questions when you can, when they dont make you feel like an idiot who doesnt belong there, and or fake your way through it and hope you get away with it. then if you get caught, say oh well i thought thats the way it was done, and i had to act quickly to service the customer. SORRY WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.

cuz youd really like to say, TRAIN PEOPLE BETTER, but you cant say that, because they never will, why would they.

this is why CONFIDENCE and BALLS OF STEEL are needed in EVERY job, and i just dont have those things wawaawaawawawawaw.

figure it out or YA FIRED.

people try their best but they Just Dont Get It Fast Enough…..and theyre fired for it.

its not enough to be smart and capable……you have to be FAST.

this is why i failed at every job ever hahahahahah.

no thats just not true, that is a Cognitive Distortion. i actually did GOOD (“Well” i know is the correct word, but i have to be a chameleon and adjust my Language to the people around me, do they speak Working Class or do they speak Middle Class hahahahahaha) plus my sympathies are more with the Underdog Working Class, than the Soft Degenerate Nihilistic Faggot Sissy Middle Class.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mennonites_in_Mexico

i dont know how i ended up here. possibly by researching enclaves and exclaves. yeah. stuff like the “northwest angle” in minnesota.

staring at google maps again. channel tunnel, weird shit by bhutan, india, nepal, tibet, pakistan, northeast poland, lithuania, kaliningrad, bialystok, crimea, bla bla bla.

was i to blame here? did i CAUSE this? i always lose sight of the fact she probably would ahve rejected me ANYWAY even if both our Conflict Resolution skills were not shitty!

she did this because she was extremely annoyed at me, and when you get extremely annoyed at someone, you just want to be done with them completely.

when was the last time i was extremely annoyed with someone? well kinda right now, with her. but i dont want to be done with her! really i cant say. some male acquaintances, people that were never really FRIENDS. i never really liekd them to begin with!

yeah i never had a similar situtaion, namely a female friend falling in luv with ME and me being like ehhhhhh i dont think so.

but i like to think i would have treated them better. every other time somebody annoyed me, it was really different. one guy i disagreed with for being a soulless autistic nihilist annoying sperg; another guy annoyed me because he was weird and narcissistic and overbearingly homoerotic and weird and bipolar and almost borderline.

i was none of these things to her. i was just gently pushing her to hang out.

i wasnt even really passive aggressive in that, other than i was not directly stating “lets hang out, because i want to talk about how im in love with you.” it was just lets hang out sometime, or wanna hang out ths weekend, or wanna go see this movie with me, or wanna go to this restaurant with me ill buy, wanna go to the park with me this weekend, etc etc.

and if on friday she said something like “see you on MONDAY” which she started doing, that was her hint that she didnt want to hang out on the weekend.  of course i got tired of that and would say in response to that “what u doing this weekend”. and she would say doing something with her family. which is a lot better than hanging out with Guys and partying. or im always hanging out with my other friends and i never want to hang out with you.

but yeah i was careful about not being too pushy so i would only ask to hang out once every two weeks. and get some sort of nonanswer like the above.

prettty clear signals right? yeah but i was in denial because she used to be my friend and we used to hang out and sometimes she even asked ME to hang out!!!!!!!! she wasnt some gurl i had met 2 months ago who i developed an infatuation with but had never hung out with even once!!!!!!

she got mad and snapped at me because i would visit her sometimes when i was on Break or on Lunch or when i was leaving, just to small talk for 2 minutes. me doing that was too much for her.

what do you do when someone’s boundaries are unreasonable? like they have 1000000000000000000 boundaries that make dealing with them a MINEFIELD? walking on eggshells, etc.

so do you say some of those boundaries are not valid? i thought all boundaries were valid. no at that point they need to learn they are being unreasonable, so they need to Go To Therapy hahahahahaha. she needs a shrink.

these women dont need a MAN, they dont need a BABY, they need a SHRINK to help them deal with the fact that they didnt have a good family hahahahaha.

course i had a good family and i still turned out a screwup hahahaha. cant get a job, cant get a woman, the only accomplishment ive done in my life is get a worthless stupid Bachelors Degree. Arts of COURSE hahahaha.

hehehe being anxious and weird is employability kryptonite. you HAVE to be a confident extravert normalfag with confidence and gurlfrans and interests. blogging about being a loser and heartbreak and being an r9k neet virgin does not count!

some people say that a loving wife gives them moral and emotional support and generally makes life seem a lot easier because who cares if you are trying to do confusing shit for angry customers all day when you have the luv of your life waiting at home to cuddle you and make you strong again. and not dump you for being weak and vulnerable, but strengthen and help you turn your weakness into strength by cuddling with them for an hour and them telling you you can do it, i luv, ill always be here for you to make things better after a shitty day. and we can cuddle and smoke MJ sometimes and watch tv and movies and go for walks and hold hands and make out and then have luving tender monogamous oxytocinsecs hahahahaha.

i will never know the inner workings of her mind. i do know that she was saying “NO” to me. was she saying, yes, no, or maybe?

she was certainly not saying yes.

i try to delude myself that she was saying “maybe, just not right now, give me more time and space.” if thats what she were REALLY saying, she would have SAID it, she would NOT have

  1. cut me off completely
  2. never responded to anything
  3. unfriend AND block me

she would have said “ill respond to you some day” when i said “please respond please respond please respond”. not nothing.

similar to the “anything thats not a yes is a no” idea.

what would a trusted friend say to me?

“yep its rough but the best thing here is just to move on. shes probably not gonna change her mind, and you contacting her every 6 months is not good for you. it sucks to get your heart broke, but shes not gonna change her mind.”

i had some kraft ranch dressing. it was ok but idk lol. it seemed weird lol so i dumped it. no it was technically past its best by date and like 80% gone so i got some “hidden valley” ranch. see if thats any better.

yeah it was. i think the kraft was too thick. i want it a little Runnier hahahaha.

google good job for depressed person hahahahahahahaha

nothing. because unconfident, anxious, weird, angry, introverted, shy, pessimistic, confused people dont deserve a job.

but everybodys gotta have a job to get ANY respect.

but if you are a single mom waitress, youre not gonna get any respect anyway, because no one appreciates how hard your job is, plus you are a whore in your personal life. take a different dick every night and let badbois molest your children. but damn do they do a good job taking care of 20 tables, multitasking. i could never do that.

but yeah my big worry now is, I WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN. THIS IS THE BEST I WILL EVER DO. ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE. i will have to settle for someone not as good as here, therefore i will always be comparing women to her, and basically always fooking thinking of HER for the rest of my life. i go and bang some 35 year old single mom skank years from now and think o god i wish i was with HERRRRRRRR instead!

yeah i know i thought that BEFORE and i ALWAYS found a better woman, but this time is different, because i’m OLD AS SHIT now! I’ve since turned the corner! i wont be able to get 25 year old gurls to hang out with me any more AT ALL!!!!!!! so its only 35 year old + single momz with fupas and tattoos and shitty hair and shitty skin from here on out! post wall women! whcih is all i am worth as a 35 year old loser who only makes 10 DAH for 30 hours a week!

who only makes 300 dollars a week, 1200 a month, 14400 a year! who makes LESS THAN 15K A YEAR!!!!! at age 35, 40, 45, 50!!! cuz he never had any ambition or drive! the most he ever achieved was a BA degree hahahaha. he had POTENTIAL at age 20, thats why he pulled some cute gurls briefly around age 20. but by age 30 and no potential realized, no women for you hahahahaha.

yeah its hard to respect Single Mothers because You Get To PICK your man. you get to PICK the father of your children. and you PICK a maniac or deadbeat and have CHILDREN with him. how can you make that big of a mistake so casually? and you look around you and all the women in their 20s, if they are not Professional Middle Class women getting Careers and Abortions and Cocks, they are Working Class women with tattoos and Bastard Babies! believe me i would LOVE To find a Happy Medium!

and i thought i did. a working class gurl who exercised Discretion and Restraint and had no tattoos and who was Different hahahaha.

just because you find a Gurl Whos Different, doesnt mean that things will work out differently!

i have to remind myself of “Woman 5”, who I dropped from the “Woman” lineup because i decided i wasnt really in luv with her because i didnt get my Heart Broke by her, or she was markedly in the Second String of Memorable INfatuations. anyway i think things could have turned out ok with me and her if we ever lived in the same town and could hang out regularly.

then we could hang out one on one and she could eeventually reject me in the worst way hahahaha.

well with her, i knew RIGHT AWAY that i kinda was Interested in her, plus she didnt have a 4 year BF when i met her. so yeah that situation was entirely different.

some say “depressed” aka DESPAIRING people tend to Ruminate more , make a mountain out of a molehill, blame themselves for tiny things that normies would have forgotten about long ago. therefore a hard Breakup is even harder for A Despairer.

stefan molyneux is a hyper energy filled extravert normalfag who has worked 10000000 jobs in his life including a waiter. i am kinda jealous of this. maybe i should just get a job as a waiter to prove ot myself i could do it. hahahaha. well what i did was KINDA LIKE being a waiter. and a cook all at once. people call you, have weird shit that you have to fix, you have no idea what they’re talking about, so you try to think on your feet, stay calm, and gather information very quickly, and carry out complex fookin procedures according to shitty articles and tier 2 bitches who treat you like shit. stupid shit, because you arent learning super confusing shit fast enough and have to suck their dick. then i say, im not stupid bitch, i got a bachelors degree from a top 30 university of the world hahahahahah. was it a useful degree? no? noone cares then, ya slow learning anxious moron. welcome to the real world bitch.

google how to bullshit

http://wallstreetinsanity.com/how-to-bullshit-your-way-through-anything/

written by a millennial listicle clickbait WOMAN but still some good points, like say “ive got this under control” and never ask for help and use fake statistics and sources. but the trouble is coming up with those on the spot.

http://www.collegetimes.com/college-life/how-to-bullshit-your-way-through-life/43642

http://www.practicalhacks.com/2009/09/10/twenty-something-job-seeker-how-to-dramatically-increase-your-chances-of-getting-the-job/

tfw you are no longer a twenty something job seeker because you never got a decent job during your twenties hahahahahah and just failed and underachieved from age 20 to 29…..and beyond!

http://www.livingwithballs.com/bullshit-job-interview-questions-and-answers/

did another 4.2 miler. i would like to do at least 10 miles a day hahahaha. that might result in SOME weight loss, and also i think i have a lot of negative emotions that need to get out. i need to do TONNES of writing, and appropriate good writing at that, and tonnes of Walking/jogging. its EASIER to walk/jog cuz theres no WRONG way to do it! its ALL good! so better to walk than to write.

when i write its just negative thoughts all the time. and that is all DESPAIR IS.

if you are writing despairing negative thoughts, as i often do, STOP and go out an WALK for at LEAST 4 miles. ideally 5. i was thinking i could go for at least another hour today but it was getting dark. and then i thought well i will sign up for planet fatness for 10 dollars a month during the winter so i can walk 10 miles a day during the WINTER…..which is of course when we all gain weight and get super despairing.

so i actually felt GOOD about that idea. so i Sat With My Feelings. I Felt My Feelings hahahahahaha.

but one way to look at it is….I TRIED. She didnt TRY at all.

i cant blame her for not having feelings for me. but i can blame her for the way she ended the rel. the worst possible way. but i will forgive her eventually. but i still want her back. all women are bitches and whores. disgusting. maybe if i start abusing them they will stop dumping me and think ima  real man hahaha.

i heard an interesting thing, a real abuser doesnt stop and worry if he’s an abuser. he just goes ahead and abuses. cuz sometimes i worry if i am actually an abuser. if i will one day abuse a women, or if my passive aggressive bullshit and jealousy could be considered abuse.

well jealousy might lead to abuse sometimes but it doesnt CAUSE it if that makes sense. i think jealousy is awesome. you should never be ashamed of being jealous. bitches get jealous all the time when its guys they are really into. cant say i have ever had women get jealous over ME. that would be nice hahahaha.

DESPAIR DISORDER

107

it has been 85 days since i was horrible abandoned and possibly betrayed and i feel….lazy and dull and hopeless but a lot better than i did at day 1 hahahaha. gotta get in muh 8.6 miles

LETTER PORTION

you were a big part of my life. i cared about you a lot and thought about you a lot. you mattered a lot to me. not in an obsessive creepy way, but in a caring way. when two people feel this way about each other, it often results in a relationship. when only one person feels this way, its one sided and they will have to detach. that is painful for that person. i know you were already detaching from me. i know you cared for me at one point, but probably when you saw i had a different kind of feelings for you, you thought nope cant do that, and started detaching.

i say the world relationship because a friendship IS a kind of relationship and we had that.

anyway for the last 5 months things were strained as you pulled away from me, and i pushed towards you. it was clear we were moving towards each other. and that i was chasing you and you were running away, because you didnt want to be chased, and not by me.

im sorry i annoyed you by pushing, but i want you to understand why i pushed. because i liked you, and because i was scared to have you leave my life really. i didnt want to imagine a life without you. i wasnt pushing you to dominate or control or abuse or manipulate you. i also wanted to talk about the direction our friendship was going. when big things happen you have to talk about them and not just send signals by avoiding talking. talking is healthy and good. talking helps people move forward and get through things and resolve things and get towards a win win resolution. talking helps people get all their feelings our and to feel heard and understood.

i mean you have to understand this on some level. i understand them and ive never been in a long term relationship with a woman. in fact our friendship is the longest relationship ive had with a woman. all the women ive “dated” have been for short periods of time, so really your and my relationship is more important to me than those. i like long term relationships with people. i have male friends ive been friends with for many years. a big goal of mine is to have a long term relationship with a woman, but also not “just” a friendship, but a special relationship, with intimacy and special feelings. exactly what many people have. just a regular long term dating relationship, monogamous, serious. like what you and the guy had for 4 years. thats the kind of relatiosnhip i want.

obviously you dont enter something like this lightly, kind of like marriage or having children. its a serious thing. thats why it took me so long to build those serious feelings for you. i didnt feel like this when i first met you. i liked you and got along with you and you with me, but dating you was the last thing on my mind. it took a long, long time for me to wake up to the idea. not because you were subpar in any way, but because my heart was somewhat closed, and also i was very, very cautious and have become slow to get feelings for anyone, becuase of having my heart broken in the past, and getting feelings too fast. i didnt want to do that again. with you it happened gradually and i believe that is the best way.

anyway when such an important person is removed from your life, there is a void and emptiness and there is great pain. it is almost like somebody dying. but they’re still there, they just dont want to be a part of your life. it takes a long time for the heart to heal. it can be done, i will get over it, but until then theres a LOT of pain, for a LONG time. when you have deep feelings, when the feelings get rejected, it takes a long time to heal.

these are kind of basic common sense things that i think you already know. its all part of being in a relationship and falling in love. i know you have done those things before. well its the same thing thats happening to me, except our relationship was not able to get to that next level.

thats just a fact of life, people cant really choose who they love, or when they fall in love. for me it made perfect sense and it felt very natural: to happen after a long time, with a female friend i knew and trusted. it made sense and felt right. however the timing was horrible given what was going on in your life, with your other relationships, with your feelings, with your family. but unfortunately i could not control my feelings enough to stop them from happening even though my brain understood fully it was a horrible time. it was too late, the feelings were already there and i couldnt turn them off.

i know i annoyed you and i didnt communicate well but is that enough reason to hate me? how much did that hurt you? the pain i am feeling is the worst devastation i have felt in years. my heart is completely broken and i feel like i am at rock bottom. i cant believe it ended this way. i dont think i deserved to be thrown away in this way. i wish you had shown me more respect. this is such a disrespectful way to end a relationship. we had a difference of opinion as to where the relationship should go, and because of that, it only makes sense that the relationship come to a natural end. thats fine. i accept that. but to end it this way seems kind of unnatural, like pulling the plug, or executing someone, or letting a person drown as they cry for help, letting go of a person and they fall off a cliff, smothering a weak elderly person with a pillow in the face as they moan and writhe helplessly.

a much better way would be to have a respectful communication.

i had respect for you, couldnt you have respect for me?

i was there for you and gave you comfort and did not judge you when you showed me your vulnerable side. The minute i showed you my vulnerable side you seemed to hate me and walk away from me.

if i were in your position i would have talked the person and simply said, i dont want to hurt you, you are a good person, but i just cant be with you like that. i dont have feelings for you like that. period. simple. it really doesnt take long to say everything that needed to be said, but it would have spared such a ridiculous amount of pain for me. i wish you could have done that one last thing for me. when other women dumped me they gave me “the talk.” it still hurt but i know it would have hurt more without it. because im experiencing that right now, and this hurts a lot more than any other dumping ive ever had. just give me a talk please.

and if you hate me? yeah i guess i would be upset about that too. i understand you not feeling for me, but i just cant understand you hating me. that is going to have to be on you, your problem. i can understand how i was annoying you. but i had a right to want to talk too. friends hang out with each other and talk when there is a problem. it wasnt a bad horrible thing for me to want to talk. talking and hanging out is a healthy, normal, good thing. its not like i was trying to abuse you, or manipulate or control you, or separate you from your family and friends, or make you do drugs, or make you my slave. i just wanted to hang out and talk. and we had done that many times before! we were friends who hung out one on one and talked! and then suddenly just stopped cold turkey, altogether. that in and of itself was painful. so for me the pain and heartbreak started months ago really. but i was desperately, delusionally optimistic that one day we WOULD talk.

NOT necessarily save the friendship, NOT necessarily that you would return my feelings, but that we would simply TALK, exchange thoughts and feelings, and end the relationship peacefully.

THAT was my idea of a WIN: to end the relationship peacefully. anything better than that was a bonus which i was not expecting at all.

but i am angry because i cant understand why you wouldnt even write me an email or a text. all that needed to be said could be contained in one or two texts. you would rather throw away a long term friendship with hard feelings, than send two texts? that just boggles my mind.  a person could not possibly BE that annoying. you dont do that for any amount of annoying. you only do that when somebody is abusing you. i was not abusing you. i was trying to do something healthy and normal and unabusive. talking, communicating is not something bad or abusive. i wanted to talk and to listen. to have a real two way conversation.

you could have gotten angry at me! screamed at me for being annoying! thats fine!

i should have stood up for myself more. if someone is bothering you, you have to let them know, because they might honestly not be aware. like when you told me to give you space. i should have told you, it hurts and disrespects me when you utterly refuse to talk or hang out with me, OR give me some sort of timeframe, like give me this much space and we will hang out on january 20th or something. or we can stop hanging out, or take a break, but have a conversation with me so we are clear. so i should have told you that your distancing was hurting me, and crossing my boundary, because i couldnt just stay away from you forever. what would you have done if [first guy] told you to stay away from him forever and you had already been friends with him for years? i bet youd find that hard to do.

but yeah. it just hurts like hell when you end a relationship with no talking, no communication, no exchange of anything. even getting mad at each other and both of us screaming at each other and both of us saying i hate you forever and storming off would have been better. but this coldness hurts so much, it makes it feel like i never meant anything to you at all as a person…..and i know thats not true. but i just cant get through to you. i know you cant make anyone do anything, but god i wish you would, just to spare me some pain, just to show me one final act of kindness. you used to be so kind to me.

i should have told you that i was upset about you avoiding me.

you should ahve told me that you hated me and wanted me out of your life.

what bothered me a lot was how you did not seem even remotely willing to do anything to help me, to meet me halfway, to not hurt me.  no willingness to talk or communicate at ALL. rather discard an entire long term relationship than to have ONE talk, ONE phone call, ONE email. it only would have taken an hour or less.

 

 

///// END OF LETTER PORTION

4.4 miler noice.

i am just always afraid of a woman leaving me because she can find somebody better. hypergamy. its real. plus i am kinda a loser so its not hard to find a better man/mate than me. you really have to get to know me to see my Value, and most women arent gonna take that kind of time. shit even if they DO they’ll still leave you for a Better Man. richer, more successful, more badboi, more charismatic, more fun, more exciting, more new, more cool, more interesting, taller, handsomer, younger, cooler, higher status, bigger dick, more testosterone, more confidence, there’s always a better man around the corner, there’s better men being born every day, when you are a 30 year old loser, there are plenty of 20 year old young men who are bigger winners than you. who show potential, rather than show WASTED potential hahahaha.

thoughts like this all day! that is the way muh despair works.

i like the word DESPAIR much better than “depression.” i can barely even say that word! but DESPAIR seems so much more accurate. i have DESPAIR DISORDER.

women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. i was ready to commit to her, to give her the most important thing i could give, and she had not even given me sex!

although women give away their most valuable gift too easily anyway. men should not give their commitment until women have given their own commitment.

NEVER COMMIT TO A WOMAN UNTIL SHE COMMITS TO YOU FIRST.

never get feelings for a woman until she gets feelings for you first.

if you feel feelings coming on……well that happens. then tell the gurl ASAP. start giving big signals asap, if she doesnt understand them asap, then tell her verbally asap. then you’re done and have done all you can and the ball is in her court and she can say yes no or i donnnnnnnn knoooooowwwwwwww. which probably means no.

they might not be sure if they want OUT, but they sure as hell dont want IN! Ambivalence. Ambivalence is never good. always bad. ambivalence is as good as a NO.

was i ambivalent about her? no!!! well, thats not entirely true. there WAS a while where i was just not sure. i tried not to think about it. it was weird and uncomfortable.

but when i DID make an effort to think about it, really confront it honestly in my mind……….i was no longer ambivalent after a mere lousy MONTH. 4 WEEKS and i went from ambivalent to completely 100% Yes.

so allow them a couple weeks of ambivalence i guess. heck how about you just have regular communication about it. talking, conversations, emails.

oh shit i forgot, women dont like to communicate, only men do hahahahahaha.

well men are verbal communicators and like to speak clearly. women are nonverbal communicators and can only give bullshit mixed message signals and hints and nothing is clear. they could not be clear, direct, or decisive if their lives depended on it! how can you respect that!!!! hahahaha nawalt nawalt i know. some women are better commuincators than others.

why would i want to be with someone who treated me the way she did?

I WOULDNT! I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME GOOD.

YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE GARBAGE.

YOU JUST DONT. EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU DO.

even if one day in the long distant past they treated you pretty good. well they shoudl have brought that person back then.

if they wanted to be nice to you again they would.

if they wanted to not be a bitch to you they would.

if they wanted to not be distant to you, they would.

if they wanted to be close to you again, they would.

its sometimes like a damn intervention. you feel like the loving family trying to intervene on the person they are losing. but its also different. because im not her FAMILY. i cant keep giving her chances and chances and chances and also doing all the work. i want to Go Out with her and that is…..not really a CHOICE, but its more of a choice than being her family.

cuz i was thinking, well, if i truly love her, and i do, i should come back every 4 or 5 months and do any means necessary to keep coming back to her. making excuses for her. well she MIGHT WANT to be with me, shes just too SCARED to contact me, so i have to put myself out there AGAIN on a silver platter for her.

but on the other hand, i dont want to do that too much. i think i have already passed that point of no return. i dont really want to contact her again. if she wants to reconcile, she has to contact ME, and i would still accept that.

although i might communicate with her through another person though. like a mutual friend. which we really dont have many of hahahaha. id say yeah you can tell her i really wanted her to read and respond to those 4 emails i sent; to just talk to me about this. i am heartbroken and i am still very willing to talk to her. i want to talk to her. you tell her that.

i am just done with trying to talk to her directly and getting rejected and blocked and not responded to. well because for 3 months she is gonna be emotional and not want to talk, duh.

3 months? 4 months? 5, 6, 7? well then i need to worry about this 8 or 9 months from now and send her an email saying “hi just wanted to see how you were doing, would luv to get caught up lol 🙂 ” hahahaha.

fook that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i am NEVER gonna want to be JUST FRIENDS. that horse is out of the barn and its never going back in.

we all want the best partner we can get. when i first became friends with her, i think i was aware of her being a woman, a young nonugly woman, and thought right away, hmm, could i bang her? could i date her?

and i thought well she’s not ugly, but shes kinda my friend now, so banging her would be weird. (this of course would change).

also she has too much baggage and our lives are too different, families and such. we get along well and kinda think similarly but our backgrounds are so different, we could never date.

and then obviously i decided that she would be just fine to date. although ending with her longterm bf played a role there.

anyway point is, there was a time when i was doubting, is this really the best i can do? surely i can find a better match for me. someone with less baggage hahaha.

but then after a while i was like yes yes yes she is MORE than good enough for me, she is TOO GOOD for me.

once i thought i was out of her league. when it ended i felt SHE was out of MY league!!!!!!!

i knew she was looking at me and thinking “date HIM? I could do a shitload better! hes such a pussy, also short and old! he was ok as a friend in the past, but the idea of dating him is more than just weird, its RIDICULOUS and GROSS!!!!!!”

well i couldnt read her mind of course.

and for the record i never thought dating her would be ridiculous or gross. i at first thought it would be WEIRD, but i wasnt sure why, so i explored that feeling, and concluded it wouldnt be weird at all. i mean i thought it would be weird because we were friends. but at the end of my Thinking Period, i thought, welp, it wouldnt be weird, and now its settled, i want to be MORE than friends.  and that was beginning of the end hahahahahaha.

there was no detail or nuance or grace in the way she ended it, but one thing was clear: the overall thrust of what she was saying to me was “NO. I DONT WANT YOU. GO AWAY.” so i have to….well i dont RESPECT it, but i have to ACCEPT it hahahaha. i wasnt sure her reasons or “rationale” if any, i just knew she was definitely saying NO.

in the worst shittiest way possible hhahahaha.

besides she likes badbois. its amazing she nailed down a badboi for 4 years. this makes me think he just had a badboi exterior. i sort of knew him. back when i was just friends with her, i was friendly with him too. he was a good guy but kinda stubborn, ridiculous, and spergy. selfish. but not an inherently bad guy. but i could see how being In A Rel with him would be not fun. unless he was real excited about it. and he was not excited about being in a rel with her. in fact i think he technically did the dumping. well maybe she pushed him hahahahahaha same way i pushed her to dump me hahahaha no jk. same way she pushed ME to try to dump her, but i wouldn’t, so she dumped me via silent treatment.

no i know for a fact that she wanted to try to make things work with him. she had a WILLINGNESS. at that time i wanted her to work it out with him. get married, i told her.

it was easier for me and her to talk about her and HIS rel, than her and MY rel.

anyway those two actually talked and argued and had ridiuclous conversations/arguments im sure. and then i think he decided he wanted to be done with the rel. so he ended it. but she knew it was ending too. i dont think she was as DESPERATE to hold onto HIM, as i was to hold onto her.

once it was all done, she said something to me like she was sad that she might have been “holding him back” cuz he was moving on with his life and doing important things for Himself, that he was too stubborn to do when he was with her.

heh. i told her in famous email 1 that “i hate to think i bring you down, because you bring me UP!”

another 4.2 miler.

non aggression principle. do no harm. peaceful resolution. nonviolence.

i dont think i was violent or abusive to her at all. i was AGGRESSIVE sure. well, i was passive aggressive. and that sucks. but its a tier well below violent or super aggressive.

whats the solution to this? BE ASSERTIVE. you dont have to be loud to be assertive. you say heres my line and you crossed it. i was not nearly assertive enough. shit i hadnt even thought of the WORD assertive until i was listening to a stef molyneux cultmaster womanhater show today and he was talking to a doormat husband whose wife wanted to divorce him for no good reason. well because he was an unassertive doormat.

heh. this is apparently a divorceable offense. hahahaha.

would you divorce your wife becuase she was an unassertive doormat? fook no, but men and women are different.

i would say, sweetie pie, you need to stand up for yourself. you cant let people walk all over you. im gonna help you be more assertive so you dont take shit from people.

then she would use her new assertiveness training to dump me for a more assertive man hahahahahaha. and would refuse to communicate with me about it because i was too passive aggressive in pushing her to communicate abotu it hahahaha.

thats why i like letters and emails. you dont need to make an appoitnment with them, you wont forget to say something, you dont have to WAIT 3 months to talk to them. However i would say tell them to send you a read receipt, or send them a letter in the mail. might need more than 1 stamp hahahahaha to send the 20 page letter. best thing would be to hand deliver it to them to make sure they get it. like youve been served with divorce papers. and youre just tyring to have First Contact with your Wife to talk about anything. hahahahahaha.

the second you start being passive aggressive, shit has gone on too long. write a damn letter now. not a passive aggressive letter, but an assertive letter. thankfully i am much better at writing assertive emails, than having assertive talks. i mean i would like to improve my assertive talks, but if i am having trouble there, i can always write a good email.

but yeah the way women give away their most precious gift. and its like they FORGET they can get pregnant. it shows a RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE. like stef says. anyone that can be so cavalier about human life, youre playing russian roullette with human life, to have 10 minutes of fun with an exciting badboy, when the consequences FOR YOU are 20 years of sacrifice to take care of a baby. FOR YOU these are the consequences and you STILL dont show discretion or caution!!!!!!

o stefan accept me into your cult and control me hahahahaha.

single mothers are bad news because it means they are attracted to abusive badbois or deadbeat runaway badbois; OR they get bored with men too easily and will willingly dump a “boring” NiceGuy for no good reason, and depriving the poor child of a father. do you want to get involved with a woman like this?

stef hates women because he was abused by his own single mother hahahaha.

well i dont think he hates women. and maybe he is stubborn. but i like listening to him talk about relationships, is that such a crime? if i could find another person who talks abotu relationships, i’ll listen to them. and not some progressive leftist who says all men should be cucks and all women should have open relationships and cuck their men. raise their children in a damn polyanrdrous village. where nobody is sure whos the father, so everybody pitches in all the adults take care of all the children.

because we can see that works very well in the errrrmmmmm “r-selection” community hahahahahahahaha

MEN WONT TAKE CARE OF KIDS THEY DONT KNOW ARE THEIR OWN.

i fully beleive this is right and just and men are entitled to that.

obvious exception would be a fully-discussed mutual decision to adopt a child.

or if a man willingly chooses to date a single mother and be a father figure to her bastards. some men do. i think they really just want to be fathers and will take any substitute they can get. but if they were fully honest with themselves, they would admit this; they’d say they want to be fathers, they feel a paternal instinct, and IDEALLY they would want children of their OWN.

WASNT MEANT TO BE / IMPAIRED JUDGMENT

917

no contact is best contact hahaha. ok no more contact. has it even been a month since i sent her The Final Email? I hope so.

ok i sent it aug 17, and so it was automatically deleted form my trash folder.

so, exactly one month today of no contact! good for me hahahaha.

of course reading mub breakup book “getting past your breakup”  learned that in some NC situations, the person DOES respond to you, and youre supposed to not respond to them. or maybe say “i want to go no contact, i am not going to respond to you any more. please do not expect a reponse from me. we need a clean break” or some shit.

it looks like SHE wants to go no contact with me!

but yeah its weird its like she was in love with me and i broke her heart the way she is acting!

i hate that thought. but it cant be true because if she were in love with me, then she would have Accepted Muh Invitation to the Dance Of Luv, and would have Melted when I confessed my feelings to her, and said yes yes yes i luv you too! rather than just going away.

when you are in a completely shitty dysfunctional relationship that needs to end, perhaps even abusive, or there is a huge power imbalance (i def had that, she had all the power, i was begging like a beggar from the queen); then the person who is being abused or at least just being shit on always finds a way to BLAME THEMSELF: “If i werent so shitty, if i didnt make this one mistake, then they would treat me better. i caused them to do this. i made them beat me because i was stupid and did something wrong and deserve this punishment. its my fault. i caused this.”

i definitely fall in to this trap! i think I am the root cause, that i started this, by being Pushy and Weird, therefore i deserved and caused her to react the way she did.

well in a true healthy relationship, she would want to communicate and talk, she would be willing to do that, rather than just Packing Her Bags and Checking Out.

Relationships involve some responsibility and even sacrifice, in the sense that you have to think of your partners feelings sometimes. its not all about you hahahaha. you have to care about them and not want to see them hurting. you have to be there for them. you want to help and support them. if they are begging for support from you that you are not giving…..not a good sign.

so very  simply, she was not interested in being in a rel!

i had already committed. i guess i committed back in october. but she never committed. she didnt HAVE to of course. thats a decision only she can make. it was just hard for me accepting that decision, plus i always wanted to hope for the best.

so yeah she never agreed to any committment or responsibility or sacrifice, so i cant really be mad at her right.

well i still say that our friendship obligated her to certain responsibilities, like talking to me when the friendship was in trouble.

anyway i was trying to say that in some no contact cases, the person who broke your heart contacts YOU or does respond to you. and that can result in various stuff: them wanting to be friends, or you arguing and things getting REALLY ugly.

well if she contacted me i would luv it, especially if she said “i was so wrong i really want to have a rel now” then i would say yes yes yes yes!

yeah it would have been WORSE if we had actually Gone Out! and done all sorts of stuff, and her showing me Love even more intense that the Niceness she had shown me in the past; and i would have even more Good Stuff connecting me to her…..and then if she were to sweep all that away and fall out of luv, yeah that would have been even worse.

so yeah it could have been way worse!

in my case, it NEVER REALLY BEGAN!

but it still hurts anyway becuase i DID know the person and were were (used to be) really friends. not just someone you pseudo date and fook for a few short months.

i was closer to her in our nondating friendship, for much longer, than i was to girls i pseudodated.

and pseudodating is the only kind of dating i know hahahaha! i would have liked to Actual Date muh female friend, but IT WASNT MEANT TO BE hahahahaa

i dont think she was released from her responsibilities-as-a-friend the moment i got more-than-friend feelings, ie, i no longer had the right to communicate with her, and she no longer has the responsibility to communicate with me. it was relevant to both of us to talk about How Our Relationship was changing. sure it was my “Fault” for getting feelings, but i dont apologize for that.

the book says people can jump into a new rel without resolving the lingering grief or pain from previous rels or losses or whatever. hahahaha this is not possible for low status men who are lucky to ever have a brief pseudodating rel with a woman hahahaha and then many years of single loneliness in between.

of course if you have a rewarding career its easier to be single and confident and secure….but the majority of people dont have rewarding careers.

i guess a Rich Social Life could also be good and confidence building. my social life is OK, but its certainly not at its strongest. when i was younger, i had more people i was closer to, whereas now, i seem to have more Walls Up and not willing to make a deeper connection.

i like to build up these Monstrous Fictions of peoples lives, just when people watching, and ASSUME THE WORST about them, when i have NO IDEA.

therefore i think everybody is a degenerate soulless nihilist cheater chav pleb idiot moron evil stupid filthy animal……..even though i have NO evidence.

example i caught myself in yesterday: i was sitting in the car finishing a Voice Recording before going into trivia and i saw two people from a Rival team pull up and go in, and i began concocting the Horror Story and telling it right then and there:

oh he’s a dorky beta male, but probably gainfully employed, no major emotional probs, not fat, he just looks kinda nerdy with his beard and glasses, but he is prob the perfect beta male, and theres his gurlfran with him, who seems like a nice person, but she is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL, how can he be attracted to her??? because shes a nice person, and the only hope for a beta male, who is 1000000 times more successful and well adjusted and normal than me btw, for a longterm rel, is with an Unattractive Woman! I mean he is better looking than HER for gods sakes, those types of things bother me.

well maybe its not a monogamous rel, maybe they have agreed on an open rel where he can get action on the side, as well as her.

or maybe they have the worst kind of open rel, where he IS attracted desperately to an unattractive woman, but she’s not really attracted to HIM, and SHE wanted to have the open rel so SHE could get some Strange Dick on the Side, and he desperately agreed because it was the only way he could be with her in ANY way! and she is enjoying 10 strang dicks a day and he’s lucky if he’s had even 1 Outside Fling out of this Open Rel.

see? automatically assuming the worst, and often with huge anti-woman themes, or the woman is the villain, women more evil and degenerate than men, etc.

so i caught myself right there while i was recording it and said well maybe not. maybe they are just a happy, normal, boring couple, the end.

but yeah i always make up these ridiculous worst case scenario stories in my mind.

DONT DO THAT!

ask yourself, do i have ANY EVIDENCE for this ridiculous story im concocting?

probably not.

ok time to try out the new 3.6 miler hahahaha.

ok did that. not bad. beautiful day.

she not unfair because she didnt luv me, she was unfair in the way that she just threw me and our whole past away without….not “closure” per se, but rather not treating our relationship with the respect and dignity it deserved, in my opinion. we had a good friendship and it would have been hard to lose that even in a peaceful way. its like when a good person dies, you pay your respects at their funeral and grieve for them. you dont just throw them in a ditch and forget abotu them. something of value was lost.

for me more was lost than the friendship, but SHE still lost the friendship TOO and should have been more affected by that.  SHOULD hahahahaha see people like us get into the SHOULDS hahahaha. no nobody should do anything, you cant expect shit out of even your friends, dont trust anybody ever. sounds kinda NIHILISTIC hahahaha.

man linkedin is the worst shit ever.

i also am jealous of the woman being more successful at our shitty job than me. it was a weird job. it wasnt shitty shitty. it was the best job many people there had ever had. many 40+ people who were just recently completing Bachelors Degrees in INformation Technology from Devry or Southern New Hampshire College, rather than the Successful Middle Class Thing, wchih is complete a Computer Science Degree from at least a Second Tier Skool by age 22 and immediately start getting good experience.

(note well: i think the quality of education provided by some “crap online” college is just as good as that of a Normal Second Tier Brick and Mortar U. its just that the online skools are an even bigger scam because they cost more, and because employers unfairly discriminate against these people and filter out god damn candidates who have these skools in their education. and then you see people weeping with tears of joy for gettng their college degree in these commercials. absolutely disgusting.)

so many people would just not walk out of the job like i did, because it is the Best Job they’ve ever had!

it paid well but i was that desperate to get away from the female. plus i was resentful in that she was not willing to give me any more moral support on the job. she started out doing well at this, but the well ran dry. i resented her for saying bullshit like “just take it as it comes” and “dont let it bother you” when i wanted her to give me concrete technical tips to deal with the confusing shit.

then i got passive aggressive and would intentionally ask her ridiculous technical questions and she would say i dunno lol and i would say but its your job lol i just got one of these questions lol and basically wanted to point out that i was smarter than her and knew the job better.

this was after things started officially going downhill. because i really resented her refusing to hang out or talk to me.

out of the 10 months i was in luv with her, the first 3 or 4 months were “good”, and the rest was bad. first it was fresh and fun and exciting, the butterflies, warm fuzzies etc, then it got Crazy Making, because it wasnt going anywhere and i couldnt talk to her. thats when i started doing that passive aggressive shit. yeah it was wrong but still i dont think i deserved muh treatment.

so she got her moral support from other people and i was jealous; she greatly reduced the moral support she gave me and i was jealous; i got good moral support from other people, smart men who were full of smart technical insights, but i still resented her withdrawing.

sure i was leaning on her too much. i was treating her like muh lover when she had never agreed to anything of the sort. so yeah i did bring this all on myself hahaha i am the root cause, i made her do this hahahaha.

lesson learned is same as it ever was: just tell them about your feelings as soon as possible, within 3 or 4 months at the latest. period. otherwise it will just get ridiculously ugly. especially if you work together. in close proximity. in a very stressful, confusing, stupid job.

that pushes weak insecure people like me to their breaking point and then they quit!!!

so yeah i was wrong for being passive aggressive to her. im not even sure if she realized it though. by that time she was very obtuse and hard to read.

plus our job was to know technical shit. i asked ridiculous technical questions to my male moral supporters and they didnt mind.

i mean i didnt like being so weak and insecure that i NEEDED so much moral support. but it WAS a tough job and a CENTRAL PART of it was people getting CONFUSED and I DUNNO ALL THE TIME, that you NEEDED a chat room of Knowledgeable Smart Experienced People to Give Advice ALL DAY. Level 2’s advising the level 1’s because the level 1’s dont know the answer. this was normal.

well if it was up to me, the level 2s would be walking around helping you in person rather than the STUPID chat room.

and it would be easier to transfer a call to a level 2 rather than bang your head against the wall trying to figure something out that you didnt know while the caller was waiting for you to fix it as quickly as possible. and they dont understand this is normal, for people to not really know what they’re doing all day. but it is. it is really hard to adapt to. i dont know how i adapted to it. probably the moral support of muh female friend. then i started liking her, then the moral support stopped. damn.

oh well. its over and i have 1 full month of no contact now. but she is making shit tons of money now and i am making jack shit and will probably never get another job that pays that well again. never mind that job was not enough to own a home or have a family or live the upper working class american dream! and the health insurance SUCKED, and it was better NOT to get it, and only kicked in after ONE YEAR, which at least 60% of hires don’t make it to. that is the kind of place it was.

another 3.6 miler. not bad hahaha. ideally i will do one more.  got to get the 10 miles today.

now here comes the Misanthropic Contempt again, the Spite Towards Humanity, which i had before i was in luv, and which the luv sort of takes the edge off. well i think that our Platonic Rel kinda took the edge off of that too, since now i knew an Actual Woman who wasnt Degenerate Nihilistic Disgusting Promiscuous Stupid Scum like Crabs In A Bucket. or Maggots or Roaches Or Rats in a Bucket. disgusting vermin writhing and crawling all over each other hahahaha.

this is why its good to have female friends, so that women are more Human to you. yeah. so i would think welp its nice to know ALL women arent like that, like my female friend is a decent nice human being. wonder why i am not in luv with her. hmm. hahahahaha. then she ended with her longterm boifran and immed started dating a new guy and then i was in luv with her hahahaha.

now im like oops i was the bad guy and i caused this and i made her and i deserve this, because i was passive aggressive.

yeah not my finest hour.

if you start being passive aggressive then its time to blurt it out, thats a sign that things have gone bad. and they had. this was well after month 3.

uhh what if you do if youve already been rejected and you are being passive aggressive to the gurl.

uhhh i havent done that for 10 years, when i was in college hahaha and actually had cute gurls in the social circle, and they might reject me, or give me no signals, and i would “punish” them by being passive aggressive, getting drunk and being bitchy, becuase i didnt like being attracted to people who werent attracted to me hahahaha.

well they say to REJECT THE REJECTOR and i like that a lot!

meaning, dont seek approval from someone who doesnt approve of you, if they are gonna reject you, then you go ahead and reject them! you dont want someone who doesnt want you!

and then try to go no contact hahahaha.

i am thinking of a “mini crush” i had in 2005. i wasnt in luv with the gurl but i wouldnt mind some casual secs with her cuz she was qt. but i didnt have the charisma or Fun To Be Around to make college gurls want to have casual sex, and i got jealous when she showed interest in other men but not me. i had already been rejected by like 3 gurls that year hahahaha. so i know i got drunk and was bitchy to her, in the bitchy way that a beta male is to a woman who rejects him.

well, rejection is never fun for anyone and it is ok to be angry about it. but the problem is getting bitchily angry at them.

its probably ok to have a mature conversation with them and be like im sorry but i am kinda angry at you because when you say this i feel this and i know thats not what you mean, but lets talk about this and hug it out bitch hahahahahaha but honestly i did nt have great communication with this gurl either.

well i never hung out with her one on one and never got to know her and never spent a lot of time with her. i had less than 1% the connection i had with woman2015. so really i never communicated well on any level with this one gurl, we had no connection or no communication at all.

so big difference with woman2015, i did commuincate with her very well at the start. we talked a lot, and talked very easily, and became actual friends. none of that happened with that above college gurl.

just using an example hahahaha. from my life of failure with wimmin hahahaha.

MASTER OF FAILURE hahahaha (credit millennial woes). no success whatsoever. well, i have pseudodated gurls short term, and also had long term female friends hahahaha.  so therefore i am not a total woman hater. i am desperate to not be a woman hater. i have had SEVERAL female friends where i was friends with them for like 2 years, maybe more. like i had female friends when i was in college and i never fell in luv with them!

anyway real misogynists like elliot rodger never have any female friends ever. you cant be friends with a woman on a human level if you hate all women!

also i get along well with older menopausal women hahahaha.

however, all the women i became actual friends with, were NEVER UGLY. i wonder if this means something. i might not have been attracted to them at the time, like back in the day i was actively pursuing other women when i made my female friends; but they were never ugly. i do wonder about that. why didnt i even make friends with an ugly, completely unattractive woman?

well thats kinda ridiuclous to say. i mean its hard enough to make friends to begin with, LET ALONE women friends. so now i should turn down a female friend becuase she’s not UGLY enough? hell to the no!

i dont think you should be too rational or too emotional. i do think some emotion and irrationality is a good thing, as bad as it sounds. but 70 30, or 60 40 at the most hahaha.

with rational being the bigger number of course!

so degenerate, soulless, evil, nihilistic modern women simply have no respect for human life. at all. life is garbage to them. the way they treat human beings. replace them, dispose of them, murder their own children, play with loaded guns, let strangers try to reproduce with them casually, kill those offspring casually, revolving door of those strangers, they are like sociopathic rats.

well lets challenge this poisonous hateful misogynistic narrative. i dont really BELIEVE that, do I?

of course not! but it kinda feels like this sometimes.

moral of the story, have TWO female friends in case you fall in luv with one of them. then that can fail and go to hell, but you will still have another female friend to convince you that not all women are soulless evil, and that you are not a hatefull, violent, abusive woman hater! because otherwise you wouldnt have a female friend!

because women haters cant have female friends, ugh. because. /sarcasm.

hehehe. this is the type of collegefag middle class marxist response where you give them a huge slap on the face with yo dick. becuase they are just trying to troll you and nothing you can do or say will keep you from being a woman hater, even if you volunteer 80 hours a week at an abused womens shelter. then you would be treating women as “charity volunteer porn fetish objects and dehumanizing them” or something.

but yeah its a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking youre a horrible woman hater IF you have no female friends. otherwise you could jsut ask your female friend am i a woman hater, and she would say of course not, dont be ridiculous.

thats the other thing about being a depressed anxious depressed master of failure. is that you question your own judgement. you just dont know if you are right. you are not confident you are right. because youve been wrong SO MANY TIMES before. even if you are pretty smart. youve still been so wrong about so many things. important things. life decisions. jobs, skool, relationships. you being pretty smart has not kept you for being horribly wrong on so many things.

so you doubt your own judgment. you feel your judgement is somehow IMPAIRED. like with drugs or alcohol.

well my judgment was right about other things. like i dont think it was a bad decision to fall in luv with female friend. it wasnt really a decision anyway, plus it also pretty much made sense: i had known her for a long time, she had a lot of good qualities, not a lot of bad qualities.

also i managed to do pretty good at my stupid job, where you have to think and bullshit on your toes, live by your wits, and only the strong survive, and i did, so therefore i was strong.

oh yeah got the 10 miles in. 10.8 actually hahahaha. still fat. need to bump it up.

cant get a 10DAH job, cant get a woman under 30 who hasnt take 30000 cox and had 30000 abortionz, soulless evil nihilist sociopaths hahaha, but i can walkjog 10-12, 12-14, 14-16 miles a day and move from fat to skinny.

i am not so autistic and weird that i dont have friends thank god. however i am not super duper close to them, i kinda want CLOSENESS, and i used female friend for that, and had a fantasy world where we were really close,  i wanted to be CLOSE to her. she decidedly did NOT want that. that sucked hahaha. but the fantasy of closeness was convincing and made me feel like i WAS close to her, when i wasnt. now i dont feel close to anyone! well my new male friend from my job i quit, i had/have a mancrush on him, feel a connection and a closeness that is kinda like what im looking for, and he is fun and we get along and he makes me feel normal and not a psycho weirdo hahaha.

my other friend has so many problems and kinda disappoints me so i dont WANT to be too close to him!

i have other friends that i do trivia with but….. i dunno. i dont feel motivated to hang out with them outside of trivia! i like them just fine, and trivia is fun, but….i dunno. me and my damn connection and spark and all that shite. i dont really want to get any closer there!

basically the only person i wanted to even GET close to was her. and i was harshly rejected there of course. with extreme prejudice! didnt expect that out of a person i had know for 2.5 years, didnt seem part of her character. incongruous. dissonant hahaha. have i said this hahaha.

in the military i would be a DESERTER.

although i would not have deserted her, or any other woman i LOVED hahaha.

skills gap. weird. all these unemployed people are unemployable because they just dont have the SKILLS needed for minimum wage jobs.

are the stupid college not giving the skills? or are they? where do you get the god damn skills employers want? if its not college, then why go to college? so many people going to college and getting their degrees in their 30s 40s and 50s and they STILL get the shittiest jobs. on the phone all day being confused for 12DAH and no health care hahahaha.

kids going into college dont know how to read or write. kids graduating college dont have the skills to get an entry level job. wtf. this is what will lead to a revolution among the young. some awesome neoreactionaries. i can get into this movement. but its already a young mans thing, and they woudl be able to steal any cute young gurls from me hahaha i wish i was young again! thats what i really want. but it is not possible. cannot be done.

but yeah it sucks to be Cognitively Compromised just because you are Emotionally COmpromised. because being able to THINK STRAIGHT QUICKLY is essential to survival and employment. and mating. cuz you gotta be FUN TO BE AROUND for women to like you hahaha.

i have always been SEEKING WOMENS APPROVAL.

well isnt that kind of good and normal?

i see it as part of being a Social Animal and you need different kinds of Social Ties: Family, Friends, and then Special Luv Relationships.

heh. i mean i think its ideal to have more women in your life than only your mother hahahaha. even if you get along with your mother.

then its good to have female friends.

then its good to have female Special Friends.

so i am not Misguided as to what i think is degenerate: casual sex, cheating, throwing people away, hedonism, abortionz, partying, but i might be overestimating where/who i see that, that is, thinking someone is a degenerate when i dont really have any evidence of degen behavior.

WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE, ask yourself.

i mean sometimes there is evidence of course, like when you know this gurl has fooked all these guys. you know which damn guys by name. she has fooked antonio and biff and charlie and dougie and leroy and rodney and tyrone and jamal and mohammed and iqbal and jorge and horxo and javier and  etc hahahaha.

yes i am ashamed of many things abotu myself but i am not ashamed to be a racist ahahaha.

anyway, always ask for the evidence when you make a story about somebody being a degenerate.

more for your OWN benefit than for THEIR benefit. because it eats away at you to be so hateful and misanthropic. but sometimes its hard NOT to be!!!!  this is probably part of the Cognitive Distortions of derpression i suppose.

but yeah employers want critical thinking and all that bullshit that useless degrees like the humanities claim to teach you “CRITICAL THINKING” but they dont, because you cant even get a 12DAH job that wants you to use CRITICAL THINKING.

so yeah i think critical thinking is a good thing in the sense that it is actually intelligent logical complicated abstract complex smart thinking, and not marxist relativist degenerate nihilist nothing is right nothing is wrong there are no values, there is no meaning. etc.

and dont confuse critical thinking with critical THEORY, in which there is NO actual critical thinking. critical THEORY is marxist graduate skool bullshit, total nihilism, that wants to deconstruct everything because its racist and oppressive and its ok to be a soulless nihilist sociopath killing your babies and throwing away your family and friends like rats squirming as they get drowned in a bucket.