EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE

aug 13

you cant even talk to normies about this because theyll be like why were you SO devastated? why didnt you just ignore her? just suck it up? why did you fall SO hard for someone you werent even fooking? why didnt you tell her earlier? its all my fault basically. and it kinda is. not that I MADE her withdraw all kindness, but I did kinda reap what I sowed in several ways.

but she was jsut as immature as i was, and usually 25 year olds are more mature than me hahahahaha. well she was a WOMAN though. women are naturally immature. like children. children who cant keep their legs closed hahahaha.

so yeah normies get their hearts broke but its not as big of a deal to them. or they dont fall so hard for someone they are not dating/fooking.  normies just wouldnt understand. they say yeaaaahhhh something is a little weird about this guy, and he should probably see a shrink and get on some meds already. oh he is? hmm well uhh maybe he should try some diff meds and a diff shrink, the current program isnt working so well hahahaha.

the ironic thing is, I think a Decent Monog Longterm Rel with a Woman WOULD help the majority of foreveralone despairing virgin men, give them real confidence in something that is really meaningful to them, and literally transform them. theyve wanted this for so long but never got it. dont you think them finally achieving it would change their lives?

but maybe it would be like winning the lottery. theyd find a way to fook it up.

i dunno. give them a CHANCE at least. if that woman gave me a CHANCE, i think i would have had a good chance of not fooking it up!

normies also dont understand why it takes us so LONG to get over somebody. so just virginsplain to them that if their wife with whom they have created new life just up and left them without a word and that was it, how long would it take THEM to get over THAT? at LEAST a year.

or the person just dropped dead suddenly one day. but still i think being left is WORSE than that, because you’re not certain that the person who dropped dead WANTED to LEAVE you. as far as you know, they still loved you till the very end.

so yeah this is rougher than a death hahahaha. because they WANT to leave you, they’re still alive out there fooking and loving OTHER guys, and they dont give a DAMN about you and your broken heart and the time you spent together. they’ve FORGOTTEN about you entirely. dead people cant forget you like this hahahaha. dead peopel arent moving on fooking and loving other people and enjoying life.

you can move on and enjoy all the cox and abortions and tyrones you want, just dump a person the right way, not the wrong way.

implying that women are even capable of doing things the right way.

hehehe well i KNOW they are, because OTHER women have dumped me the right way. and I appreciate it hahaha. thank you so much for dumping me the right way.

ok took shower, go to boring church today. i was trying to “fast” until 12pm, that would give me 18 hours of “fasting.” the old 18/6 as opposed to the 16/8 hahahahaha. i was starting to ger hungery so yeah. then ate 290 calorie breakfast/lunch.

ive been VERY good about not looking her up on linkedin or facebook or instagram or google. VERY good. so +1 to me hahahaha. i mean i wouldnt be able to see any more than her fb profile picture, but that’s bad enough. to even see ONE picture of her would be WAY too much.

then i think about people who are Friends with their Exes 4 Lyfe. I just cant wrap my mind around it at all!

i mean it could possibly be doable if BOTH peopel mutually agreed that the rel was over and that NEITHER person wanted to work on it. and NEITHER person wanted the other back. i guess I am envious to have such a Mutual, Amicable Breakup hahahaha.  seems a lot less stressful than knowing you have to restrain yourself from seeing even ONE picture or ONE comment or ONE reminder that they are still alive, for YEARS.

like i am thinking of these people i will see at this little labor day event. the one guy is married and has a kid and his wife and maybe kid will be there with him…..but he is still friends with his ex gf from 10 years ago! and they dated for several years and she was kinda crazy! and she is married to some other guy now. and she is going to this thing as well! they still see each other once a year or so! heh if i were his wife i would be suspicious hahahaha. its called a break up because its BROKEN hahahaha. but then youre jealous, youre the bad guy. maybe he gets a freecard to fook her hahahaha. now im just speculating. but this guy had a LOT more wild oats than me, he was pretty much an alpha male ladies man. now he has a good career and a nice wife and child. hehehehe funny to think that when  first met him he was an 18 year old kinda nerdy kid who had only had 1 GF hahaha (much more than i had had as a nerdy 18 year old hahaha) and I kinda Corrupted him by introducing him to MJ!!!!

well he turned out MORE than all right and I turned into a big loser hahaha. maybe winner normies can be issue free friends with their x’es. i just don’t want him to do anything DEGENERATE, because he’s a good guy and he can do BETTER than that. of course nothing degenerate has actually happened to my knowledge! i just think its weird to be friends with your x’s and to have the x at a holiday weekend with your wife and the wife is fine with it too!

meanwhile i have to make a concerted effort to never look at a single picture of HER ever again, and we didnt even date for 2-3 years and fook 6000000000000000 times like this guy and his x did!

so i am a bit jelly of a serious relationship ending without any Lingering Trauma hahahaha.

and they still have SOME sort of relationship technically!

how does his wife feel about this? how does her husbando feel about this? is she still married to the husbando? i dont think THEY had any kids. i dont fully trust her, although i always got along with her. i wouldnt want to be in a rel with her! she was kinda crazy, in the way that you can never fully trust crazy! she went on to be wildly successful and started doing a phd but then left after the masters level to make tons of money in Private Industry. probably not in a call center hahahaha.

i guess i am also envious of crazy people who can still be extremely successful despite their despair or bipolar or whatever.

anyway shes ok, she’s white, thats the main thing, so she should go down to part time and have some white kids. her husbando had a high paying job in finance or some shit. controller or CFO or some high level, high wealth Career. she can afford to take some time off and have babies. 3 of them. i think he’s white too. could be Jooish but I don’t think so. could be though. has dark hair. i never met him. but if he’s white, they should have kids. but she might pass her crazy on to them? she’s not a bad person though. would i trust her with homeschooling children? maybe. i mean having children could well be very good for her.

anyway i dont hate her, i just thought she was kinda weird, and i was a bit annoyed by her overachieving. it paid off in an impressive career though!

anyway i anticipate i will get along with her just fine, i always did before, and she was always nice to me and me to her. situation is just kinda weird is all. but theres no point for me to tell HER that! or him. if it doesn’t bother either of them, it doesnt matter.

i am just obsessed with Relationships in general. and getting Nosy into other people’s business.

especially if i KNOW the people, and there is anything weird about the rels. or the rels are ending or failing. i am interested in the Death of Rels hahahaha.

well their rel certainly didnt DIE! it changed, maybe downgraded, and in a mutual way! me and that woman, our rel just DIED. permanently. DNR. RIP. Although I for sure wanted to resuscitate it!

when you want something for so long, well its not like food and water, you wont DIE……but you do become TWISTED and WEIRD. to have an unscratchable itch for 10, 12, 14 years, and to never experience something that Normies experience.

in the mood for some depressive su1z1dal black metal, i hear this one is pretty good, and i actually remember listening to it like 4 years ago when i first discovered DSBM.

i recall it being ok. it gets good reviews.

i could very well be bipolar hahahaha. only i dont get manic episodes. i just get brief episodes where i am kinda wound up and not thinking straight. well that is a manic episode no? yeah but i am not staying up 3 days in a row Tweaking and doing impulsive shit. but i am generally “one extreme or the other” in my thoughts and attitudes. so maybe i have “mild bipolar” and taking some lithium would help me be more productive and successful.

churn out moar job apps, get thru moar interviews, and once i get a job, survive its shittiness one day at a time. put myself out on okcupid and try to get the table scraps there hahahaha. Post HER, I cant imagine ever Loving another woman again.

i mean why SHOULD you lower your standards when you are looking to spend the rest of your LIFE with somebody and you want to create THREE NEW LIVES with them? does it make ANY sense to lower your standards for that? FOOK NO!!!! Either I luv them the same or MORE than i luved her, or NO new lives will be created!!!!!!!!1111

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CREATE NEW LIFE AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY YOU ARE NOT MADLY IN LUV WITH?

or to rephrase that, someone you are just kinda “MEH” about. i realize Mad Luv fades, but i am implying that it Of COURSH follows with a deep, abiding, Loyal, Foundational, Strong, Faithful Luv.

coldworld just came out with his first album in 8 years hahahaha. cover is a little corny but album is allegedly good hahahaha.  not really DSBM as much as melancholic black metal hahahaha. i recall the melancholie2 album was decent. prob better with some MJ and good headphones hahahaha.

yeah well though i have trouble reaching muh goals, at least i have a good family and i am not a superfat slob anymore. still want to lose 10 more pounds tho. and it will be the hardest.

also now i have nice clothes to wear in the interview. and nice friends who remember me after years and invite me places. i mean i am kinda nervous because i dont have any stories to tell, and i am a huge loser and they are all happy winner normies. but i try to not ram my loser weirdo neetness down their throat, and try to be as normie as i can. play down my loserness and insecurity and self-loathing cuz i know that comes across as VERY overbearing. so i dont overbear others with it. just in this blog and when i am by myself!

i didnt overbear HER with it either, she had barely any idea how crazy i am! i just overbeared her with pathetic pleas to pleeeeeeease hang out with meeeeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease respond.

aug 14

just spent all day reading about metal, mainly DSBM, but some regular non DSBM like this quebec nationalist black metal band forteresse, sheeeeeit all sorts of black metal. very close to giving ruins of beverast another chance.

well lets just put it this way, i like metal Solo Projects with Real Drums. Drum machines suck. also when you add more people it risks diluting the musical vision and purity. 2-person bands are also ok.

so basically you just tell women you want to HANG OUT and then you use a little GAME and if the first “date” goes ok, then you can get a second date, and then you bang them on the second date. this is insanely slutty!

it is so insane and disgusting and horrifying that THAT WOMAN is doing exactly that with a carousel of guys she meets on dating sites and tinder!

i guess this is women’s programming to get pregnant as soon as possible, by any means necessary. and then you NEED to have an abortion or oops baby to teach you a lesson. and then you forget that lesson after a few months, become a slut again, and have another abortion or oops baby.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

welp i generally dont like 80 minute albums but might as well dive in here. i think some dude MJ lmao and good headphones would help a lot here. unfortuantely i have neither hehehe.

well even the pickup guys who like to bang sluts say that half of women dont bang on the second date. this is great news.

heh maybe half of THEM bang on the THIRD date. so, 75% of women bang on 3rd date, 88% on 4th, 94% on 5th, 97% on 6th, 99% on 7th, hahahahaha. doing a little rounding there.

i dunno. i am still not over her. she was SPECIAL to me goddamn it! she wasnt some random slut! yet to other guys she wilfull presents herself as a random slut. unbelieveable. disgusting. revolting.

interview tomorrow for part time job. 12k a year hahahahaha. well at least its permanent part time hahahaha. and i have worked with this organization before. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a full time job here. you have to REALLY know someone powerful . i thought i did, but i either didnt know them well enough or they werent powerful enough. prob both.

went for powerwalk. lyrinx was meh, ruins of beverast was interesting, not as bad production as i expected, but still pretty rough.

anyway i dont like having a special rel thrown away like it was not special. it makes me think the WHOLE THING was an illusion….WHEN IT WASNT.

also, i probably did NOT do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND BAD…..although it was very confusing and bad for me because i got the same reaction as if i had, and it was ENTIRELY up to me to cnvince myself that i hadn’t! and i am not very good at that!

also, i never want to do anything terrible, but i am aware that i might do something terrible, and i want someone to let me know so i can learn from it and never do it again! and she sort of let me know that i did something terrible.

but she DIDNT. she didnt do ANYTHING. maybe i did something bad, maybe I didnt.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

hehehehe time is money wagie, tick tock, back to work, another day another dollar.

so yeah i like it when the woman lets you know you didnt do anything terrible that makes you a terrible person, they say its not you its me. i like that. its cliche but it WORKS, it really MEANS something.

i dont want to be such an autistic sociopath that i do horrible things without knowing! i dont want to be a terrible person to other poeple!!!11

so yeah she could have been better in letting me know that i was not a terrible person basically.

and it took me a fookin YEAR to convince myself that she was just Overloaded and Ran Away. but jeez. at least send a messenger. send one last message. wasnt our earlier rel important to YOU???!?!?! Im pretty sure it was! dont be DISHONEST and pretend it wasnt!

but yeah its gonna be the father who teaches his daughter morals, including sexual morality. how to pick a good man. how to wait 8 dates before fooking. how to not bang too many guys. how to pick a good guy young. how to not cheat. how to dump a guy the right way. how to not lead a guy on. the mother just cant do this. because women cant TEACH shit. funny how most “teachers” are WOMEN!

so she turned out ok despite no father. she still hurt me greatly and i wish i had never met her. so if i had followed my never associate with fatherless women rule, then i never would have met her (or at least got attached to her), and my life would have been better.

i mean shit. it just sucks when you have to say “I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. YOU MADE MY LIFE WORSE. YOU BROUGHT MORE BAD THAN GOOD. YOU WERE A NET LOSS.”

when people have an Amicable Break Up, they don’t say THAT. they dont wish they never MET the person.

theres this book called The Ethical Slut which used to trigger me because being a slut isnt ethical, but i guess the book assumes a basis of do no harm, and communicate boundaries, and dont treat people like garbage, and how to communicate about awkward feelings in case your fuccboi gets feelings and you just wanna fucc moar fuccbois.

in other words, i would have LOVED being treated with the ethical guidelines advocated by The Ethical SLut hahahaha. i think.

http://candieportfoilo.yolasite.com/resources/The%20Ethical%20Slut.pdf

its NOT OK to NOT COMMUNICATE with your lovers or yourself hahahaha.  THANK YOU. hahahaha

http://openingup.net/

opening up by the degen slut tristan taormino is argued to be the better book.

heh. i am looking to the MOST DEGEN PEOPLE for advice on Ethical, Mature, Healthy Relships hahahaha. THAT is how IMPORTANT good COMMUNICATION is to ALL relationships, even degen slut ones.

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE.

I agree with them that communication and respecting feelings is important, ethical, and good!

ok i think i have made my point hahahaha.

i watched “Fargo” last night on viceland degen tv. this is one of those movies that i have wanted to watch beginning to end but had never done so. i had seen the first 30 minutes recently and was quite intrigued. so i was glad to see it here and i caught it right at the beginning. decided to watch the whole thing. there were frequent commercials so that did not help. but overall i found it disappointing. it could and should have been a lot better. just because coen brothers are degen J’s doesn’t mean they haven’t made great movies. but some of them are not so great. this one tilts towards that, when I expected it NOT to.

joos writing supergoys seemed pretty condescending, patronizing, like look at these STUPID WHITE HICKS.

did the guys wife end up dying? i felt they really treated her like a piece of meat. thats somebodys mother. even if the kid is a brat and the father is a scumbag.

i guess frances mcdormand was the moral compass and that was ok…..but I would have liked to see that extend to the other goy characters, like the kidnapped wife. i mean did the big goy barbarian just knock her out, or sociopathically kill her like he did everyone else? did the kidnappers have any intention of doing a “fair” trade? were they just gonna kill the wife all along? why? why was the injun beating steven buscemi with a belt? prob because he drew the attention of the po po on him, i guess. but nothing ever happened to the injun. they never arrested him. or maybe they did later.

just seemed kinda lazy and sloppy and i know coen brothers can do better than this.

unless there are buried hints like a david lynch movie.

why was bill macy in financial trouble to begin with? why did he scam 320k from GMAC car loans if he just needed 1 car to give the criminals? it seemed like he wanted 750k to be loaned from his father in law.

maybe im just asking too many questions. but that is what i do. blame muh job. need to know everything about everything.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fargo_(film)

ok so the gmac loan is what he needs the money FOR. but why was he trying to scam them in the first place? gambling? hookers?

and why “fargo” if most of the movie took place in brainerd and minneapolis? he first met the kidnappers in fargo but thats about it.

I mean it was GOOD, but it wasnt nearly as good as i expected. it was disappointing and lazy and sloppy and i feel like i missed something. maybe they edited out important stuff for commercials. i guess the wife is supposed to be dead.

big lebowski was better, raising arizona and millers crossing were WAY better.

this should not be considered a top shelf coen brothers movie. it was lazy and patronizing. how did it win an oscar for best screenplay. how did it become such a phenomenon, with critics and fans shitting themselves over it?

i didnt really like “no country for old men” either.

i did really like the main musical theme of fargo though.

hahahahahahahaha

i didnt think it really SUCKED, I just thought it was ok, not great. is was disappointing and the coens can do better.

i have enjoyed coens films for YEARS and I totally understand and get their style. the layers and subtleties. the dialogue and dialects. ok thats FINE.

i might have liked it more if i saw it years ago, when i was more prone to suck the coen bros jooish dicks.

and i prob would have liked it moar with no commericials, and ucddling with a waifu.

that can make bad movies good.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/why-did-she-break-me

its good to Grieve but dont let it CONSUME you hhahahahaha. easier said than done. well it doesnt consume me as much hahaha. but other things do.

like oh god i am unqualified at everything, incompetent, can never get a job or a woman, completely worthless hahaha.

anyway. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

so lets just assume 50% of women are dirty n>=4 whores and 50% are decent n<4 marriageable women. because we just DONT KNOW, and the great rule of thumb is, always assume 50/50 when you DONT KNOW.

i can live with 50/50!

i mean i think being a high number slut who gives it up real quick is a good proxy or way to measure a womans morality and trustworthiness in general. do they really walk the walk. or are they loose. hotdog in a hallway. jsut a damn mercenary riding the coch carousel, where she has given many men a Turn. It MATTERS and STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! But they’re not pretending, they TRULY BELIEVE it doesnt matter. totally brainwashed.

okok i need some TROB with……clearer production.  the newest one is generally rated the lowest but its the only one i havent heard at all.  plus i just straight up RESPECK this guy, he is just very special, i dont care that he is a pagan hahahahahahaha. tree worshipper.  he also has Male Pattern Baldness and a Hirsute Robin Williams like body. this endears him even more to me.

i would totally make a moderate effort to see him live. i am glad he likes to play live. why the hell wouldnt you. like these black metal phaggots that are too grim to play. or dsbm people that are too despaired to play live. come on. even trist played live a few times.

i mean yeah the fans are degenerate losers but theres probably one guy there like me who is not hahaha. who is really enjoying your show.

interview tomorrow and i am not even worried or anxious. how can you, for an 11 dollar 20 hour a week job. good god. why do i even wear a suit. why do i think i need a NICE suit.  well at least now i have a nice suit in case i need it. and i just wear it to every damn interview anyway. i am pretty happy about the suit. i had been meaning to get one for YEARS, at least 4 years or so.

i was glad to hear people on the daily shoah agree that MULTITASKING is BULLSHIT. total BULLSHIT. i couldnt agree more. but you HAVE to say you are REALLY REALLY good at it. but if youre HONEST with yourself, it just means you do a shitty, distracted job on many tasks at once. only the most autistic people like rainman MIGHT be good at multitasking. only half of the 1% most autistic people might be good at multitasking. its fookin BULLSHIT, end of story. but we are not allowed to say that. worse, we are forced to actually attempt to multitask!

i dont mind that women are like children……..except for the fact that they do a LOT MORE DAMAGE that children. they break hearts and cheat and ruin lives without remorse. children don’t do this. you dont give the baby a machine gun.

women are like babies born with machine guns. but in the past, society used to do what it could to put the safety on that gun, or take it away.

but why should women be born with something theyre TOO IMMATURE TO USE?

so they can get pregnant as soon as possible, that’s why.

and if they choose poorly, either them, the baby, or both can suffer the consequences for that AFTER the baby is born. but not before.

maybe men and women are not as different as i thought. they just want to fook any (secsy) thing that moves, no regard to the consequences. they dont care who they hurt. we are an r selected inger species hehehehe.

yeah well we WHIITES HAVE to be better than that. maybe thats how humans started, but thats not what WE evolved into. WHITES DONT DO R SELECTION. and it disgusts me to see white women doing it.

women dont have to do time in the prison of relationshiplessness hahahaha. they don’t get tons of TIME to THINK about the DYNAMICS and the ins and outs of relationships because they’re too busy being IN them. they never have a chance to view it from the OUTSIDE. think outside of the box hahahaha.

with me and other foreveralone nevergf virgins, its the exact opposite. we spend all our time thinking about rels, and exactly ZERO time actually IN them!

isnt that funny hahahaha.

holy sheet this one guy who i used to work with at my fun job which i left……..almost 3 years ago, he is still working there! this is just sad because he is older than me, has a degree, has his teaching certificate, and can get a FT teacher job, just sub shit. and they have hired two FT people in the department in the 3 years since i left, and they did not offer HIM the job! maybe they did but he said no? i wuldnt have said no! they interviewed ME for one of those jobs. i didnt get it and i was kinda pissed. why didnt they interview me for the other one? i cant remember exactly when the other one happened. before or after the one interview i had.

maybe i was that shitty of an employee hahahaha. but i dont think so. i definitely was not an electrifying team leader however, and i did not schmooze with Higher Ups like i should have. I just nodded my head and did what they told me and was nice to everybody. but the people i schmoozed best with were not higher ups. they were just level 1 saps like me, or in different departments. the maintenance guy.

heh wasnt good enough to get me an interview when i applied for the maintenance job a few months ago, for the 3 days a year the position is open. blink and you will miss it. literally.

 

 

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WOMEN: SERIAL HEART KILLERS

june 29

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

how many job apps a day do i need to do to Feel OK about uh self? 5? 8? 10? 14? 20? obviously, the higher the better. because my new goal is to get to 500 job apps and maybe by then i will have a yob hahahaha. at 200 now.

well, how abotu 420 hahaha.

so not to DOX too much but at our weekly social game night we have a guy who has been “glomming” onto our group for a Long Time, like almost 2 years, and he has a reputation for being Drunk, Obnoxious, and Overbearing. It has gradually been getting Worse instead of better and our Group Leadership is reaching a point where they want to Dump this guy, but of course that would involve a difficult conversation.

i could not help but see the parallels between this and my situation, especially when Our Leader said half-jokingly that he wished he could just “GHOST” the guy.

HOWEVER there are also such important differences that this is APPLES AND ORANGES from my situation with the woman.

in other words, it would behoove me not to dwell on the tiny similairities here, but instead the big differneces.

because basically i dont want to be like this guy, also, this does not involve a close connection between two people, but a casual connection to a social group for a specific gaming night.

also he has a pattern of this type of behavior, and has been pushed away from other groups for the exact same reason.

but yeah i hate to think i was like HIM to HER.

but i WASNT, because we had a real friendship.

even APART from the Special Feelings which I had, BEFORE all that shit, it was STILL a Good Close Friendship. something real and long term and valuable and worth something. even BEFORE I got feelings. and you cant just throw something of Value away like that.

but yeah it was a good example of a Negative Cognitive Distortion (Despair Causing) when I thought O GOD IM JUST LIKE HIM to HER. I was so overbearing that I got what I deserved, i couldnt take a hint, couldnt see the writing on the wall.

sort of….but the relationship was TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYY different from this social group. I am not particularly intimate or super-close with any of the men, and I felt I was closer and more intimate with Her than with Them.

not that they are bad guys! the relationship is just very well-defined and compartmentalized.

even this drunk guy is not a bad guy per se….he just gets very overbearing when drinking. he is normally overbearing but its somewhat tolerable when sober, but he is unfort a bit of a habitual drinker, often pre-drinking before showng up to the pub, where he drinks some more and get incoherent, slurring the words drunk.

but he is not a physical or confrontational guy, rather he is desperate to Belong and Fit In and be Connected and Be Accepted and Have Friends. which are very legitimate desires which we ALL have. so i cant blame him for that.

but his personality and his drinking just push everyone away!

so i thought oh god what if my personality just pushes peopel away!

also i USED to be an obnoxious drunk like that who annoyed people with my drunkenness. but i totally changed that and stopped drinking altogether.

anyway  i hate to think she viewed ME like our group views HIM. just an annoying nuisance who needs to be kicked out because its just gotten to be Too Much and it makes the event less fun.

but again, APPLES AND ORANGES, because its a totally different type of relationship!!!!!!

now he is very bitter towards his ex wife, and i am SURE his behavior had something to do with that.

but im sure she gave him time. i mean they had to be MARRIED for like 10 years, they had a kid, etc.

but he managed to apparently make good money and retire at a very below average age and now has plenty of money to drink yikes.

its SAD really because hes not a bad guy, and there is some good raw material there. its TRAGIC how he pushes people away. its like a sad little boy who just wanted friends but he was just too much to handle so no one wanted to be friends with him.

and i hate to be like THAT!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/the-death-cult-skipping-towards-the-graveyard/37665

heheheh good anti gay article at daily stormer

mein negers hahahaha

i just gave andy anglin ANOTHER 50 cents the other day when he was having 503 server overload hehehe

but yeah I WAS OVERBEARING AND somehwat obnoxious i admit it…..but dont ghost me bro hahaha. i wasnt just glomming on to you. you used to show an interest in ME and said i was a good friend and i thought you were a good friend and things were good for almost 2 years and we got along really well. didnt THAT mean anything to you? didnt THAT build any goodwill? dont you think that earns me more than a Ghosting? i wasnt just some overbearing hanger-on. I was a REAL TRUEFRIEND.

i was a true friend, not some weird guy you just temporarily tolerated.

so i think i had EARNED better response to my weirdness, when I got weird.

protein powder + whole milk + coffee oh yeah hahaha.

some companies do not post on indeed at all but you can find them all over MONSTER. learn how to set up company alerts to email you immediately wiht new postings, from monster, careerbuilder as well as indeed.

references OTHER than previous employers and relatives??? AND relatives???? OTHER than previous employers??? wtf???

also applications that demand a full 15 year record INCLUDING explanation for ALL gaps.

i guess they are intentionally trying to limit their applicant pool….which is good for me, right?

QUALIFICATIONS:

Non Smoker

Does Not require Medical Benefits

hehehehe wow theres a new one, see something new every day. so you want medical benefits? NOT WITH US! you’re not GOOD ENOUGH to DESERVE medical benefits! you gotta PAY YOUR DUES before you can get a job with BENNIES!

was at the Supermarket and I saw a woman driving a car in the parking lot that looked SO MUCH like her. i thought it WAS her.

it wasnt the car i remember her having, but she could ostensibly have gotten a different car, there was a vanity license plate which she probably wouldnt get. there was a man in the passenger seat.

maybe she got a new boifran and is driving his car because he is in a bad mood or his license is suspended hahahaha. at least the guy was white hahaha.

hut yeah its hard to see a person driving a car 15 feet away, i tried as best i could, and all i could tell was that they looked very similar to That Woman. but this has happened occasionally. Every 25 year old white gurl with long dark hair wearing sunglasses I think is HER.

so, it probably WASNT her, but I still dont like seeing people that remind me of HER.

ok got it up (hehehe) to eight legit applications today. that was muh goal and i wasnt sure if i would get there. so good for me and have some grade A and B+ postings to do tomorrow.

or how about i need to get 100 rejection emails? only have 42 so far hehehe.

heh this is how i should be approaching WOMEN. 8-10 25 year old, no children, n < 5, white women PER DAY. hahahaha because there are a shitload of women like that.

hey you cant make a whore into a housewife. once a slut always a slut. better to have tendies than roasties hahahaha.

yeah i hate seeing women that look like her. reminds me of her. and we used to have something really GOOD. even BEFORE I fell in feelings with her, we had something very good and important and valuable.  now absolutely nothing but pain and bitterness and some regret.

some really good times like i never had with a woman……..but also some reallllllll baddddddd times that I think outweighed the good times.

but i want to have those kind of good times with a woman. but i still want HER to be that woman. i have not gotten over HER in other words and that will still take awhile.

but yeah you cant make a degenerate into a nondegenerate hahaha.

well sure you can! I changed my ways didn’t I?

i just think its apples and oranges when you are talking about an n > 4 woman. those are people you’re talking about. not like drugs or alcohol or some inanimate object. and that is the Life Creation Process we’re talking about, not just Getting Loaded.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WHORE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?????

heheheh

but yeah you fear that how can something THIS special happen more than ONCE in your life. i mean it feels like a once in a lifetime thing. moreover, how the hell is it gonna happen in like the medium term of the next ten years, because you want to find a woman under 30 so she can have damn CHILDREN, and having CHILDREN is VERY affected by age. Like yeah kinda stupid if I am 80 years old and finally find true luv again with some 70 year old woman. realllll fooking stupid. i think you only fall in true luv IF they are in fact YOUNG enough to be fairly fertile. in other words, being of Fertile Age can CAUSE luv. or its a PREREQUISITE. you’re not gonna fall in luv with a woman past the age of child bearing.

in other words, LOVE is Child-Focused, or at least, Reproduction-Focused. Life-Creation-Focused.

june 30.

ayo hol up. so i just got a sort of rejection email from the POST OFFICE saying that there is an exam requirement, and the maximum number of exam takers has been reached so….i am out of luck. this is for the carrier job. well sheeeit i already took the 473 exam or whatever and did pretty good on it. this is NOT the PSE mail processor job i had the more in depth interview for. but THEY said yeah we dont really have an exame for this job. in other words, i thought the exam i actually took was for this darn CARRIER position (also PSE I’m sure) which i got the email abotu today. so what if the tests are full? I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO!

anyway like i say i am very negative about the post office hahaha

but yeah technically yesterday was pretty good. got 8 legit applications in, got a 5 mile walk in the BEAUTIFUL sun, have to maximize that. made some cigarets, went to social gaming night, listened to the fatherland.

3 applications in before 12 pm hahahaha that is pretty good for me

did not have any interviews this week. ideally i would have 1 or 2 every week.

shit. got 7 done by 2:30 pm. so close to 8. gotta do it. gotta PUT IN THE REPS even when youre not getting results hehehe.

wewlad, 226 applied jobs now. got muh 8th in at a “business process services” place ie a possibly glorified kinkos hehehe.

so now would be the perfect time to go Find Leads. Originate Shit to apply to muh 8 tomorrow.

newest dark tranquillity album does not sound bad or even boring at all. he brings back the cleans a bit! and he has good cleans.

idiot on youtube says insomnium is way better than dark tranquillity. wow just wow. i cant even. no just no. um yeah no. you seem fun. you seem smart ahhahahaha.

im 12 and what is this

heh you know you are old when you dont have to make excuses to enjoy at the gates “slaughter of the soul”, or preface this with a bunch of apologies and qualifiers and ironies. because you are so old that you listened to it within 5 years of it coming out. but 10 to 15 years after it came out, it was reviled as the harbinger of super derivative and boring Melodeth that was just being copied and copied to death. yeah well i never listened to that shit. I just listened to SOTS when I was 17 and there was not really a New Wave of Melodeth. When dark tranquillity and in flames were still young and exciting bands. I actually saw DT and IF on tour together in concert. that was a good show. small club in….2002?

i didnt know much of in flames but they were headlining and they were real good.

but i did know some of DT and they were really really good and should have been headlining imho. but in flames was suprisingly good too.

and then in flames got crapped on to no end later, as did at the gates. DT got crapped on the least.

none of them really deserves to get crapped on!

good live recording of DT in 2009 (actually 2008). by this time i had tuned out of DT but i sort of came back later and caught up. good band. massive respect. I really should try to see them live again. it has been like 14 years since i saw them that one time hahaha.

well it is 4th of july weekend. all the managers and powerful peopel will be taking a long weekend so i prob didnt have a lot of chance to have an interview this week, and maybe the shit will pour in NEXT week, after the holiday.

rejection email for 35k a year admin asst job, a rare FT job at this place i would liek to get in. 28 days after the application.

heheheh so youre saying i should not expect much from those 40k jobs i applied to recently hehehe.

uh yeah i think i might be saying that? i dunno know and i cant get any clarification, so….you just have to take my not so good guess hahahaha.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

anyway DT actually make playing live look fun and remind me of why I wanted to do it. doesn’t mean they cant be degenerates tho.

but its hard for people who want to live a nondegenerate life of having wife and keeids.

oh you mean doing drugs and alcohol and banging degen disease sluts and acting like ingras all the time gets old? hahaha.

OF COURSH!

oh good for them, they’re not even so drunk they can’t play their instruments for the people who paid 30 bucks to see them hahaha. good for them. i dont show up so drunk to work every day that i cant do my job. when i had a job hahahaha.

see i experienced the drugs and alcohol but i never experienced the banging sluts. like a revolving door of white trash sluts with their own drinking and drug problems. i banged a very middle class slut once who went on to have a great career despite her bipolar hahahaha. although I’m pretty sure her marriage failed LOL. because she’s a bipolar slut who is probably really bad at relationshits hahaha.

well she’s good at career though. I am bad at both relationships AND career!

well at least I’m not BIPOLAR!

well i might be hahaha. give it another 10 years of Treatment Resistant Depression and Shitty High Stress Jobs and Woman Hating, hahaha.

its really not hard to like women if they’re not bitchy to you.

put another way, its really easy to overlook their major shortcomings when they are making an effort to be NICE to you!

if a job is in a Call Center, they should say that up front. You shouldn’t have to have a damn INTERVIEW to find out its in a Call Center. And also you have to ask them at the interview: yes or no. is this in a call center. and give me an idea of the pay. like, i will apply for a 30k job and feel pretty entitled. I apply to a 40k job and I know that is a Huge Reach, and maybe I shouldnt even waste my time.

but I would be most HOPEFUL about a….25-28k job. or a 14-15 DAH job. and you dont see a lot of postings advertising something in that sweet spot. you will see postings of 9 DAH or 20 DAH, with nothing in between hehehe.

well what I want is 14 DAH…..and no jobs will publicly post that wage.

hey really good sound on that live album above. that is NOT easy to do with a live metal recording. the vast majority of metal live recordings are shitty hehehe. can only listen to them if you are a Huge Fan In The Mood. but this one will make you a huge fan and put you in the mood!

heh. i wish i could just go back to drinking. its something social to do. you go out with people and you DRINK. and hopefully they like you because you are out socializing and DRINKING with them. I guess I could bring MJ to these sorts of things…..but i dont like doing MJ with people unless I feel Super Close with them. I always feel very Self Conscious, liek people are Judging me.

so it says a lot that I really WANTED to smoke MJ with That Woman…..when NORMALLY I dont want to smoke MJ with ANYBODY.

thats actually a good measure for how close of a friend they are: would you want to smoke MJ with them, or would you just get nervous around them?

a “good alternative” to me drinking would be me doing BENZOS hahaha. but I would need to take a COUPLE. take at LEAST 2 valiums or xanaxs, if not 3.

some women will stubbornly stay with and NOT give up their boifrands who are depressed or otherwise Not Right hehehe.  I have to think that these men are extremely masculine otherwise, because Depression (Despair) makes a man less masculine and essentially makes him VERY unattractive to women, in other words, it will drive women away, and you can’t expect ANY woman to Be There For You during your Hard Times, because your Hard Times will make you very repulsive, and you will push them away.

Now I’m not saying your GF Waifu should help Cure Your Issues. I AM saying they should Stand By You and Support You while you DEAL with the Ups and The Downs. And now LEAVE you when you start first showing Signs of Weakness and you Need them the Most, then blame them for being Weak and Needy.

So what ELSE is it about these Depressed men who DONT drive their tradwaifus away with their depression? Where the woman says, oh noes, I want to help my beloved husbando get through this! We’ll get thru this together!

cuz bitches dump ME at the very first sign I am not fooking Super Confident Thor Alpha. And Depression/Despair attacks your Alpha Confidence DIRECTLY. It attacks That Which Makes you Attractive to Women.

Meanwhile, when WOMEN get Depression, it has NO RELEVANCE to what makes women attractive to men. So Men are more likely to stay with a woman with Issues, than a Woman will stay with a man With Issues.

shit That Woman didnt even know the Depths Of My Despair, shit as far as I’m concerned its nobodys business but my own, i refuse to tell a woman about it because I KNOW it will make them BOLT like the road runner, leaving just a cloud of dust.  cuz thats just how women ARE. they leave you in the lurch and dont support you, so you better not show ANY weakness or need of support.

so i never told her I see a shrink once every 3 weeks, or that I have been taking AD’s since like 2008. and that this despair is very much tied into my Failure At Life.

But she didn’t really care that I was a Failure at life! She didn’t SEE me that way!

and honestly i am not a TOTAL failure at life! My True Friends dont regard me as a total failure who doesnt deserve to have True Friends!

they dont BAIL on me the second I have a Personal Problem!

True Friends DONT DO THAT!

And I thought she was a true friend.

but its my fault to compromise that with muh feelings. muh fee fees .

i think she WAS a true friend, but she was an IDIOT about dealing with that.

i was an idiot too, or, more accurately, a coward.

shit, she was an idiot AND a coward! and idiot because she totally misunderstood what this meant, and she felt betrayed and mad. at least I was smart enough to know that It Wasnt Betraying.

stupid idiot. would rather suck dicks and get fooked up the ass than not throw away someone she was true friends with for 2.7 years hahahahaha.

i REALLY hope not all women are like this! and she was one of the GOOD ones!!!!

well this is just a case of a good person being a YUGE coward.

ive been a huge coward too and i am basically a good person. but no one was really HURT by my cowardice, other than myself. i never broke anyones HEART with muh cowardice.

i dont WANT to break anyones heart……even after its been done to ME! i dont want to put anyone through this! i would make an effort NOT to break a persons heart in this way.

ok have to do the 5 miler, listen to dark tranquility and the fatherland with richard spencer the phag lover hahahaha. he’s got a faggy voice, why doesn’t his wife leave him? and she’s not even a man because they have a child together!

well because he’s very handsome and apparently charismatic, to lead his organzation. but he doesnt seem THAT charismatic tho! But he IS very handsome. and I think he Lifts. just a little at least. but that phaggy voice and the lack of charisma is gonna cause his wife to leave him and their child hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

went for 5 mile walk, only listened to dark tranquillity, pretty good show, maybe the guitar sound wasnt AS good as I thought it was, well its still pretty good. very listenable. but I still dont see how “when death is most alive” is a better closer than “final resistance” or another bona fide classic.

and whenever i experience good thrilling things, i wish SHE was there to Share them with. but she is gone forever.

yep 11.5 months later and still.

it’s honestly LESS PAINFUL to HATE women!!!! than to think of her and still want her!

so thats why i hate women. it’s BETTER than the alternative!!!!! its LESS PAINFUL to ME!!!! it protects me and builds a nice protective scar over a deep gaping wound! it allows the gaping wound to slowly HEAL! but its only about 55% healed so far! in 1 year! therefore, 100% in 2 years! yeah thats heavy…..AS IT SHOULD BE!!!!! falling in LUV is a BIG DEAL!!!!

2 years is ok, 4 years is not. and I REALLY dont think it will be 4 years.

set up google alert to deliver me news on the organization that is pushing for legal weed in muh state because they dont have a mailing list and i dont want to look at their facebook hehe

muh soggy knee

damn. weed is degenerate ingra trash but i still feel it would HELP get me THROUGH this Trial. more like a prison sentence hehehe. one more year to go hehehe.  just got to keep going through the motions till then.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/arizona-has-collected-200-000-signatures-demanding-marijuana-legalization/37833

heh tailor made topic for me. great comments

As for those who claim using weed can alleviate anxiety and depression, so can companionship and community. In fact, I would venture to say it is our atomized society and destroyed families that are the cause of so much drug use. The long-term solution to drug abuse is the re-establishment of the traditional family structure and society. In the mean time the powers that be should use draconian laws to crack down on this behavior.

another:

The real studies on the long term effects have shown that marijuana increases the size of the pleasure centers within the brain, which means it requires ever greater amounts of stimuli to trigger them.

What this means in real terms is that outside of the activities that are enjoyed while getting high, the smoker is being actively “brainwashed” or Pavlovian trained to only enjoy consuming the mediums and doing the things that are commonly done while high. This means TV and movies that are produced by j’s that are targets those specific markets is that much more effective in indoctrinating those people.

In effect marijuana allows them to brainwash those people and condition them to be purely hedonistic consumers and likely race-traitors.

It basically means that marijuana is an effective weapon to leverage goys into degeneracy.

That is why they push for it. Every place that has legal marijuana also has ridiculous firearm restrictions as well. There is no such thing as a coincidence when talking about j’s.

another:

Alcohol will kill you before it allows you to be effectively indoctrinated.

I am not advocating it’s consumption constantly or in excess, but it’s far less dangerous to our society than marijuana. Marijuana is very deceptively dangerous, as it’s danger is subversive, not visibly present.

another:

An ex-weed smoker here.

Weed is much more dangerous than people think. It won’t get you crazy, you won’t kill your family, won’t make you do crime to get it. But it weakens your willpower and gives you a false feeling of saticefaction. Also people think that it lasts for a couple of hours and that’s it. It’s bullshit. It effects your brain even the day after you smoked it. The majority is just too blunt to notice it. But it really does.

ok thats enough haha. END QUOTES

but im using it for MEDICAL purposes, to help with muh despair and anxiety. and to help me get over broken heart. and to help me escape into a fantasy world from a disappointing real world hahahaha. to be content with substandard shit. to be content with being a LAZY LOSER the rest of muh life. yikes!

I took responsibility for what I did wrong, why couldnt YOU???!?!?!?!?

because she was having hard times in life, was overwhlemed and scared, and was cowardly and immature, and her father abandoned her, and her BF broke her heart and threw HER away recently, and her mother doesnt get along with men well, and she’s still not over the more serious BF, and she is Emotionally Retarded hehehe.

so I don’t really mean WHY, i mean, jeez I wish you could have taken responsibility for what you did wrong, like I did.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID WRONG.

I DID!!!!

really i dont care if MJ gets legalized recreationally, it would be just as good for me if Medical MJ were approved for Despair or Anxiety, because I have documented conditions for those. ESPECIALLY despair.

at the moment, shady old retired doctors will give you a certification just for walking in. doesnt matter if you have no records, no bona fide doctor patient relationship, no qualifying conditions!

that is how That Woman got HER medical card! just wandered into some random place and was “in and out in 5 minutes lol” with no medical records, no questions about qualifying conditions. she doesnt even know what the qualifying conditions ARE. and lemme tell ya, she doesnt have a one.

i could probably ask the guy i see at my weekly social thing if he can get any MJ for me hehehehe. my problem right now is that I dont really know anyone who can get me it hehehe. it used to be That Woman because she had a medical card and went to The Store regularly and was More Than Happy to Pick Something Up For Me. and I said ohhh thank you sweetie you are the greatest, i hope we can hang out this month and smoke some MJ together, it would be so much fun! never happened hahahaha. but she had no problem with buying stuff for me. Weird amirite? well i mean I would pay for it of course hahaha.

i mean 10 years ago, the whole town would go “dry” and we couldnt get MJ for WEEKS sometimes hahahaha.

and you certainly couldnt have any CHOICE in what KIND of MJ you got! you either had low medium or high quality. no differentiation between sativa and indica, which to me is the most important thing. sativa makes me panic, indica doesnt hahaha.

but despair peopel who take MJ can sometimes get WORSE! maybe thats what happened to me, now i am permanently fooked up!

 

ACCIDENTAL UNINTENTIONAL DECEPTION

1128

yesterday i felt some shame again, like damn i really WAS unbearable, why didnt i just come out and SAY it. thats why she was so mad at me. i really WAS acting super WEIRD. I kept telling her how worried i was abotu our “friendship” and desperately begging to get along like we did back in the good old days, etc. getting SUPER happy when she woudl talk to me for more than 5 minutes. definitely putting her on a pedestal. huge pedestal. how are you supposed to respond to that?

well, you dont HAVE to be so cruel and mean for one. could COULD be nicer and write an email. or said WE NEED TO TALK. or said why are you being so weird. then i would either say becuase i like you, or because i am worried about our “friendship”, to which she would say she’s just having some tough times, but needs some space, and we will hang out someday, and someday never comes, and i say i am there for you if you need me, i will try to give you space, but i miss you and want to hang out with you, etc.

if i were EVER to contact her, the root cause would ALWAYS be, i want another chance, i want to make it work.

anyway she just couldnt HANDLE me being so ridiculous, no WONDER she didnt want to talk to me.

so i was being ridiculous at that time. i just wish she had been nicer and taken into context that we had been friends for 2+ years, i wasnt just some randome weirdo being weird, i was a long term friend who was turning weird, and i wish she had taken into account our long term friendship and been more forgiving to me for being weird, and also realized that getting feelings naturally makes you weird.

got 8 miles yesterday at the fat gym, might have to bring it up to 9 hahahaha.

could we go back to being just friends? absolutely NOT, becuase i will always want her, wanting to be with her will always be the Root Motive for everything. i want her to apologize to me BECAUSE I want to be with her.

i couldnt stand being :just friends” with her cuz it would essentially be the same situation. she would fook other guys, want me to stop liking her, etc. it would just be BAD. this is when you need to remove someone from your life. she certainly removed me from her life! but some sort of clarifying statement at that time would have been nice.

she removed ME.

she blocked ME from facebook, meaning she didnt want me contacting her.

she prob blocked my phone from her phone.

dont know if she filtered out my email. or just deleted it as she saw them. or read them. or opened them, saw how long they were, and deleted them without really reading them.

so yeah she threw ME away, therefore, if she wants to talk to me again, SHE’s gotta be the one to initiate it.

plenty of dumpers reinitiate contact just to get attention or god only knows. she has not. i fight the urge to contact her every day.

so yeah i am ashamed for being so weird and beating around the damn bush. she probably thought i was being a disingenuous, dishonest, niceguy sleazebag by claiming to be “worried about our friendship.” but i really was. but i did have “ulterior motives” too. but i didnt feel the ulterior motives were sleazy or bad. i luved her in a very classic disney sort of way. the type of thing that changes a man, makes him want to commit to one woman, have babies with her, etc. rather than some shotgun marriage or arranged marriage. but where you have REAL feelings like the damn poets and songwriters talk about.

the motives maybe seemed ulterior to her but they werent sinister in the least.

well i had been hinting and signaling for months. theoretically she could have said “do you like me or something? you have been acting weird for months like you like me or something.” although the onus was on me to do that.

listen. look. if she had ANY feelings during this time for me, she would have been RECEPTIVE. she was the ANTITHESIS of receptive at all. she was rejective hahaha. but she would have seen the signals of my feelings and HELPED me. been like i can see you seem to be trying to tell me something, lets talk about it. a bit of handholding if you will. not everybody is gonna hold your hand but if theres anyone you could ask to do it it would be your friends.

yeah i was overbearing and ridiculous but…..i couldnt see myself acting much differently given the situation. well…..what if i had blurted it out. of course thats what i hsould have done.

but yeah i handled everything like an idiot. but i was not trying to DECEIVE her, let alone ABUSE or hurt her!

but when i feel ashamed, then I want to apologize!!!! for being stupid and overbearing and making her uncomfortable and making her hate me.

but i think she needs to apologize to me too, for throwing me away and having no sympathy or understanding for me.

well every time i talked to her i apologized for being weird. but that in and of itself was WEIRD.

just every day i want to hear from her, open up my email and see an emial from her.

ok.

to that person,

i’m sorry i was so overbearing and stupid and weird. I should have just told you I had feelings for you earlier, rather than being all weird and cowardly about it. I know it annoyed you a lot and made you hate me, and pushed you away from me. I wish it hadnt annoyed you that much and we could have just talked or emailed about it though. i know it was a horrible time for everything, with all you were going through in your life. but i couldnt bottle it up any more.  i never meant to deceive you. i never meant to hurt you. i was trying to send you signals that my feelings had changed. i was trying to hang out with you so we could talk about this. i didnt really know how to communicate my feelings to you otherwise. i couldnt think straight at work and i didnt want to talk about it over work chat, or in the parking lot.

i should have clarified all this by saying, we need to talk, and i dont want to talk at work, can we either meet in person, or talk on the phone, or emails, and please respond to the email with a longish email of your own. i know you couldnt read my mind. but i cant read your mind either. i thought we were going to hang out some day so thats why i didnt tell you everything earlier.

i still dont think getting feelings for you was inherently bad or wrong so i will never apologize for that. we were good friends for a long time and for a number of complicated reasons which i have tried to explain, i did not get feelings until 2 years into our friendship. it was not the greatest timing but thats how it happened.

im sorry i was too cowardly to express myself clearly. i kept thinking we were eventually gonna hang out, and at that point, i wanted to talk about everything and get everything out in the open. i know i was too much too handle but i still am really really hurt by the way you ended it. i wish you could have talked to me or wrote me an email and sent me a final message rather than just avoiding me without saying a word. i think our friendship deserves a better ending than that. i know i was too much to handle but my intentions were never hurtful. my aim was true as the song goes.

i was ridiculous and awful, but i honestly beleive i was never abusive or hurtful. I might have seem deceptive but i never intended to deceive you. thats why i was giving so many weird signals, because i really wanted to talk about all this, i couldnt keep it bottled up, and the signals and the weirdness was like a boiling kettle blowing off steam. i had to let it out somehow and i let it off in a thoughtless and confused and cowardly and frightened way, like a confused animal.

when i get feelings for someone, it affects me and i dont behave perfectly. i get weird and awkward and confused and make mistakes. i wait for the perfect time to talk, even if it never comes. i act weird and get scared and cowardly. all this happened with me and you. when you turned away from me my heart was broken. i brought some of this on myself, but i dont think i brought all of it on myself. im sorry i didnt express myself well but i also was very very very hurt that you could not bring yourself to say ANYTHING to me. this was a really big deal for me and it hurts to lose you. obviously thats for the best considering you dont share my feelings. but I would really really really appreciate it f if you culd just tell me you dont share my feelings and try to make this hard time a little easier for me. have you ever gotten feelings for a friend before, who didnt return them? I will miss our friendship too. But in the end, I want to be more than friends. If you don’t return that feeling, then it’s best if we dont see each other. But I will always wish the best for you, and I want you to wish the best for me too, rather than hating me. I didn’t choose to get these feelings to hurt you.

but i would really really really really appreciate if you gave me some kind of decisive but cordial ending. like did you respect the friendship we had? even if you dont respect me now, we had a great friendship. And though I behaved in a cowardly and confused way, I dont think I deserved to be totally disrespected. Please try to see where I was coming from. I didnt want to hurt our friendship, but I also couldnt go on with the friendship the way it was, because i had stronger feelings for you and I could not hold them back. This is not an unheard of thing.

Anyway please talk to your family about it and please read these websites about the best way to end a relationship. and if you ever want to give a more than friends thing a try in the future, please get in contact with me.

I was wrong to be so cowardly in communicating my feelings to you but please talk to me. I don’t think I was that wrong to deserve this kind of punishment. I am really hurting and it feels like I’ve been thrown away by one of the most imporatnt people in my life. I understand wanting to end our relationship, because we each want different things out of it,  but please lets try to end it on better terms than this.

///////

those were the kind of things i was saying in muh emails, which prob got automatically deleted hahahahaa. oh well.

i mean i can see myself possibly meeting other women…….but they wont be as GOOD as her. more slutty, older, just overall less desirable and lovable and i will not get feelings for them cuz its hard to get feelings for high number mercenary sluts.

heh. i wish there was a handbook or textbook for how i was supposed to feel about all this.  yeah it was my fault to be a coward, but overall i dont think it was THAT morally wrong, the way you can say BETRAYING somebody is morally wrong.

the thing is, it might be CONSTRUED as DECEPTION, and deception/deceit IS more morally wrong than cowardice, and could be seen as a kidn of betrayal.

so yeah i guess you can betray someone without intent. just like you can MURDER somebody without intent, they call it MANSLAUGHTER or accidental death. a horrible ACCIDENT.

so what could i do? promise to never ACCIDENTALLY betray her again? also, if she were not so closed to the IDEA of TALKING about Feelings…..it wouldnt have seemed so deceptive.

also i think deception is more like, pretending i didn’t feel the way i felt.

if anything, i was BLATANTLY acting the way i felt!!!!!!!!!!

why is he acting so WEIRD? hes acting like he LIKES me now!!!

because i DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there was a shitload of accidents, and miscommunicaitons, misunderstandings. leading to her hating me.

  1. i want her to stop hating me
  2. i want her to  apologize to me
  3. i want to be with her (root motive hahaha)

so is it worth it to contact her to try to get her to stop hating me? to apologize to me? because we know what the root motive is. but i honestly just dont like like being hated for the wrong reasons!!!!

BUT THATS ON HER! SHE NEEDS TO DECIDE NOT TO HATE ME! IF SHE HATES ME THATS HER FAULT! I CANT STOP HER FROM MISUNDERSTANDING!

YOU CAN LEAD THEM TO WATER BUT YOU CANT MAKE THEM DRINK!!!!

is a classic lead them to water stuation here. where the water was these emails explaining everything and begging for a response.

so if i did the accident, isnt it my responsibility to contact her and apologize?

BUT I ALREADY DID THAT!!!! but i did that near the beginning of everything. should i do it again now?

well we BOTH made mistakes and accidents.

see how i keep making MENTAL GYMNASTICS and RATIONALIZATIONS as to why i should contact her? its because i want her back in my life!

WHAT WOULD I SAY TO A BELOVED FRIEND WHO WAS GOING THRU THE SAME THING? I’d say, well damn this sucks man, i know EXACTLY what youre going through. But stop torturing yourself all the time! be nicer to yourself! come hang out with me and we will partake MJ and watch MOONMAN and I’ll hook you up with some sluts if you want and i’ll hook you up with a new job and help you get through this even though i know it will take a long time, and i wont tell you its time to get over this already, but i will tell you stop torturing yourself so much by blaming yourself and dreaming up reasons to contact her!!!!!!!!!

also, IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, SHED BE WITH YOU.

but then again, even people who are married and are in long term rels are HORRIBLE at communicating, and you think, damn, they could easily get through this argument if they JUST COMMUNICATED.

but you cant make someone want to communicate with you.

so should i check in with her every couple of months then?

do you think that will make it easier or harder to get over her hahahaha.

BUT I DONT REALLY WANT TO GET OVER HER!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

But does she want to be with me?

I dont know, she never said no hahahahaha.

no what she “said” was even WORSE than no. it was no with extreme prejudice and vengeance. it was a nightmare nuclear no.

but i still want to be with her.

but i can see how i need to get over her. because she doesnt want to be with me. and so if we were together, it would still end horribly with her dumping me!

but we would get to go out for a few months and have lots of secs and hours of cuddling first!!!!!!!! so its worth it!

heheh this is why women should not have secs OR cuddle OR date men they dont really like and just plan on dumping in a few weeks. its a cardinal sin to lead a guy on like that!

and i am a total sucker for getting led on! i was led on just by her saying “yep well hang out soon”.

women can lead me on accidentally and unwillingly, just like i can betray women accidentally and unwillignly!

but i would hate to be coerced or trapped or forced into a rel (by a Baby for example) with a woman I did not care for as much as I did for her!!!!!! the kind of luv i had for her is the stuff long term marriages and Solid Nuclear Families are built out of! it is the building block of good traditional decent K-selected white society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

think about it! while im doing all these mental gymnastics: if she wanted to be with me, then she would be with me. she would be OPEN to TALKING about my feelings towards her. if she werent ready now she would say leave me alone for a 3 months and I will be in contact with you. I’ll contact you. i’ll write you an email every month describing how im feeling. ill respond to you when you say please respond. i dont hate you for having feelings for me. i understand that it is complicated and confusing and bad timing and that this is hard for you and i dont blame you or hate you for being a coward. i would be a coward too.

IF SHE WANTED TO BE WITH ME, SHED BE WILLING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. PERIOD.

that is a good sentiment to end on. gonna try for 9 miles today.

WHEN YOU GET DUMPED IN A TERRIBLE WAY, YOU WORRY THAT YOU DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE

1111

WHEN YOU GET DUMPED IN A TERRIBLE WAY, YOU WORRY THAT YOU DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

that you are a terrible person, who did something terrible, to force the person to dump you in such a terrible way.

it is very bad for the confidence of a secure normie. it is DEVASTATING for somebody who is not super secure/confident. you always want to blame yourself. WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD? you think you HAD to. that nobody would dump a person like this if they didn’t deserve it.

ESPECIALLY if that person didn’t seem like the type to do something like that ever. and she didn’t seem like that. so yeah i blamed myself. i was too this or too that.

http://love.allwomenstalk.com/worst-ways-to-dump-a-guy

” Texting is easier than having a face to face conversation because you aren’t directly confronted with the other person’s emotions. Because of this, sending a text may seem like the easiest way of telling the former man of your dreams that your relationship has become a nightmare, but ending it with a text message tells him that what you once shared means so little to you now that he isn’t even worth a phone call.

there’s also one on AVOIDING as well.

this is coming from a super girly source too. even women think this is bad. theoretically.

http://teens.webmd.com/features/how-to-break-up-with-someone

medical experts at webmd advise Teens to break up in person, don’t do a text, you want to avoid “arguments and tears” so you’re tempted to avoid them, but dont do it! that is very disrespectful and even more hurtful! (i concur. i would have LIKED even a text!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/18/how-to-break-up_n_1662647.html

even shitlords at huffpo say DONT “become invisible.”

eh. its been about…..115 days since we “broke up” and about 85 days since i sent the last email.

maybe when she Like Likes a guy, she DOES have sex with him without even knowing him, within 1 month or less of meeting him, like all the other average damn whores hahahahahaha.

but yeah we actually had something special for a while. from about….. i dunno, how about summer 2013 to fall 2014. even though things were good at the very beginning, it takes TIME to really get to know and trust somebody; also near the end, she had just checked out and i didn’t want to believe it.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/break-up.html

basically every expert or pseudo expert says dont text them, dont avoid them, try to be nice and not hurt their feelings, because why would you want to hurt someone? you wouldnt want to be hurt. put yourself in their shoes! empathize!

http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/6-ways-to-break-up-with-someone-without-emotionally-scarring-them-for-life

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/whats-the-best-way-you-end-relationship

they start mentioning the research study

” University of Kansas psychologists Tara Collins and Omri Gillath conducted a series of studies to test out a 7-strategy relationship breakup measure and then, in turn, to examine which strategies worked more effectively than others”

” In general, if you were to pick the best relationship-ending strategy, it would be open confrontation, and if you wanted to pick the worst, it would be either avoidance/withdrawal or distant/mediated communication. ”

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11794484/Is-there-a-right-way-to-dump-someone.html

http://www.academia.edu/3377721/Everytime_We_Type_Goodbye_Heartbreak_American_Style

http://gillab.ku.edu/

oh lord gillaths psych lab on intimate relationships, should been a phd student at kansas hahahaha

http://www.academia.edu/1467823/Attachment_breakup_strategies_and_associated_outcomes_The_effects

the actual paper mentioned, gillath collins 2012

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/how-to-break-up-without-breaking-your-partners-ego/#.VkNlr7erTIU

decent article from the rel “Experts” at eharmony

“While breaking up can be awkward, if you keep your boyfriend or girlfriend around just because you dread the breakup conversation, then you’re just going to wind up becoming bitter toward this person for not taking the hint. She might fool herself [himself hahaha] for quite a while that the relationship is working because she’s blinded by love (or fear).”

good job guys.

so yeah i keep hoping she will see the light and come back to me and say im sooo sorry i was soooo wrong, but that is extremely unlikely, that never happens, she is probably enjoying life and getting fooked by exciting guys she just met. this is what women call ADVENTURE and EXCITEMENT and not being BORING. is code for they want to be a huge slut and ABUSE AND DEFILE the Natural Function of their Babymaker.

why cant i be a slut? because you can get pregnant, and pregnant is a big fookin deal, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!

women are so brainwashed/stupid they dont even realize that getting pregnant is a big deal.

i think this is a consequence of feminist marxist brainwashing and also wide availability of the pill and abortionz. if you took away abortionz, women would be a LOT more SCARED of getting pregnant, and they WOULD be less slutty.

yeah it sucks that we have to manipulate them through FEAR….but i don’t think anything else would WORK!

was i needy? yeah a little. i was texting more and inviting more. but i WAS trying to limit myself so as not to be NEEDY. and i dont think its NEEDY to want to TALK. however i should have just said WE NEED TO TALK. usually that means someone is gonna get broken up with. if i had said that, she prob would have dumped me right then and there. but at least it would be talked about, and would happen sooner rather than later.

but yeah i just have a type, i like women in their 20s with long legs and pale untanned pasty white skin. and nice Apple Bottoms on their long legs. long legs usually go along with long arms and long fingers. i just really dont like stumpy legs, arms, fingers. is that such a problem. BUT THATS SEXIST, YOU SHITLORD!!!! that is a form of RAEP towards non body normative wxmxn identified!!!

heres my jewish buddy dr omri gillath phd on youtube giving a lecture hahahaha he does not have a lot of vidyas

oh god a tedx talk on marriage 2.0 by a woman, certainly she must be advocating ((((((( POLYAMORY )))))))) hahahahaha.  take all the dicks! abort all the babeez! no im not sure what she says. i actually want to listen to this one.

so yeah. i still want her to Come Back; which still tempts me to contact her and beg her to come back. of course i know that is a terrible idea! but i wish i would stop WANTING this, just ERASE her from my mind altogether. damn.

if i made a new female friend who was even better than she was, i wouldnt be able to get feelings for her……because my feelings for THAT PERSON are not OVER yet. i have not gotten over her yet. and you cant have feelings for a new person, NO MATTER HOW AWESOME THEY ARE, until you have gotten over the previous person.

that was partially why i did not get feeligns for HER right away!

its just simply hard living life without her becuase she was so important to me. a big part of my life. and i told her, gave her big hints, specifically telling her in writing in december 2014 at the latest: “you are very important to me, i care about you a lot, we have been friends for a while now, and i only appreciate you more and more, i hope we can become even closer in the future, and spend more time together. you mean a lot to me and are one of my favorite people.”

i told her that in december 2014. in writing. in a ridiculous crimmus card. that i think she said made her cry. whoopee. anyway i laid it on pretty thick there, didnt come right out and say “I LIKE YOU” but i had never really said things like that to her before, so it was clear there was a change, that i was putting more into the rel. so i wish she had responded to these ideas at all. like if she said “I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!!!” that would be a very good sign.

she could have also said “does this mean you like like me? lets talk about this. it looks and feels like things are changing. lets hang out over crimmus away from stupid work and have a nice heart to heart talk” hahahahahaha

people get FIRED ALL THE TIME even when they are working their hardest, because they cant meet ridiculous demands from management. produce more and more and more with no training. oops, not good enough, youre fired. your best isnt good enough.

YOUR BEST IS WORSE THAN OUR WORST, hahahahahaha

had a weird but not horrible dream, where i and some friends had won a vacation to what seemed to be a super luxurious hotel resort in vegas or something. not the type of thing i really care about, but it was interesting and not unpleasant. the main thing i remember is that bob dylan was just hanging out in like a kiosk in the middle of a stream of people, and he played a version of a newer song, not sure what, or if it was even a song, in bob dylan style, and nobody recognized it, but he looked right at me and winked and pointed at me, because he knew i knew what the song was. then i went around boasting that bob dylan had pointed at me.

weird because im not a huge bob dylan fan. OR a modern music fan. so if he played a cover of a modern song, i would prob not know it. plus people usually do covers of bob dylans songs, not the other way around. this made no sense. UNLESS bob dylan is a symbol of another Elder Statesman Iconic Singer Songwriter, which was the Big Event which was the last time i talked to That Person. now this person i like much more than bob dylan. and i remember a story where this person played a cover version of some retarded top 10 song last year.

now ive always liked this artist and always will, but unfort have to take a break from him because he reminds me too much of HER. and i am kinda mad at HER for ruining HIM for me. how ridiculous. my rel with HER essentially ended at a concert of a very iconic singer songwriter. not bob dylan tho hahahahahahaha. but a guy who came like 5 or 7 years after dylan.

hey if you want to get out of this rel, TELL ME. i obviously DONT want to get out of the rel, thats why I keep trying to make it work.

women dump you because they get in an argument with you and it never occurs to them that you can work it out by talking about it, trying to compromise. theyd rather throw you away and pick someone else. its PAINFUL to be DISPOSED OF and REPLACED like that. you might not be super awesome like drake or whatever, but you know you’re not THAT shitty!

no i hate drake hes a huge n199er f4990t hahahahaha.

heh i looked up the place my male friend from the job worked at before, and he said it sucked and the current place was better, which i found hard to believe, but sure enough there was like 15 google reviews saying “THIS IS THE WORST PLACE EVER, TERRIBLE SERVICE, THEY ARE INCOMPETENT, GIVE US LAME EXCUSES, DONT DO THEIR JOB, NEVER RETURN CALLS OF EMAILS. WORST COMPANY EVER.” i noticed they were hiring for a job that looked like his old job hahahahahaha. what do you do when your company doesnt want to be held accountable? he said he was pretty much told to like or make up stories for the callers and he didnt like that and i dont blame him!

its amazing that businesses can be run like this and dont go out of business QUICKLY. maybe its a front for black market money laundering hahahahaha. that would be one logical explanation. cuz they sure dont seem to be providing value for their customers.

angry customers, who are RIGHTFULLY angry, and you just blow them off, pass the buck, dodge all accountability, becuase everyone from top to bottom is incompetent, and no one is accountable. just put the lowest people in impossible position, fire them, force them to quit, hire another lost soul like me hahahahaha.

google how to lie to a customer hahahahahaha

https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/articles/the-7-most-common-lies-customers-tell/

customers lie; customer service people lie; everybody lies;

http://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2015/07/22/i-lie-to-my-customers-every-day/

” i lie to customers all day every day, because that is what the job requires me to do” yikes

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/lying-to-your-customers-come-on-everyones-doing-it/

yikes

http://www.thesalesside.com/3-situations-ok-lie-customer/

did a 5 miler

yeah i was def OVERBEARING and too INTENSE and too much to HANDLE and too NEEDY to her, so it makes sense that she was overwhlemed and didnt know how to handle me, didnt want to handle me, just wanted to avoid the situation and hope it went away in time.

why was i so intense and needy to her?

because i was in LUV with her!

why was i in luv with her?

because i knew and trusted her and had a foundation with her and she was very special and important to me. i valued her.

why did i know and trust and value her?

because we had been friends for a long time.

why had we been friends for long time?

because we got along well and very naturally.

why did we get along well?

becuase we were on the same page and had a lot of similarities.

why were we on the same page?

i dunno, because we had similar values and similar personalities. now it starts getting circular.

so basically the root cause is, we were SIMILAR. we had a lot in COMMON. we could relate to each other very easily.

and then that stopped.

well i dont think we STOPPED having a lot in common! we still had a lot in COMMON, she just didnt want me to be in love with her. fine thats fair.

and yeah i didnt need to luv her SO MUCH…..but i have always been desperate to luv a woman, to get a gf, etc.

but yeah i dont think she MEANT to THROW ME AWAY, she jsut wanted to AVOID me because she didnt know how to DEAL with my intensity. but it still FELT like getting thrown away! and that hurts intensely!!!!!!

i could have reduced the intensity by just _________________ . you guessed it, BLURTING IT OUT MONTHS EARLIER. ABOUT 5 MONTHS EARLIER EVEN. 150 days.

but yeah i read stuff i wrote before the big change, and i wish i could go back to those simple peaceful days. i truly did not have deeper feelings, it was totally not killing me, i thought about her sometimes but not a lot, i wanted to Bang other women. then i started wondering well why NOT, why am i NOT attracted to her? then she became single and started dating a new guy, and then i had damn feelings and everything changed and now i CANT STOP thinking about her. before i fell in luv i NEVER thought about her this much.

i wonder if she will find a good man and get married to him, of course she certainly COULD, ALL women CAN before they get too damn OLD. or will she do what her mother did and have dramatic, not very long relationships with The Wrong Type Of Men. Deadbeat Badboiz. well, she (That Person) had a long rel with kinda a badboi. where she luved him more than he luved her. but he never cheated i dont think. he was just distant and not very luving.

like why do not companies fix the equipment their workers need to get the job done? like have not enough forklifts, or broken down forklifts, in the LTL less than truckload distribution centers where pallets need to be moved in and out of truck trailers. they do not want to spend the money to fix a lightbulb let alone a TRUCK that is FALLING APART. because it COSTS MONEY to FIX YOUR EQUIPMENT. holy shit. its stuff like this that makes me furious.

i have no idea how companies like this can stay in business, how their customers dont leave them for the competition. cuz this company treats their employees like shit too of course.

today i thought of another woman i used to work with and how she was attractive, in her 20s, and i wouldnt mind banging her. then i thought, wow, just a young womans naked bod pressed up against me would be good, BUT it could also trick muh oxytocin into firing up and getting feelings. i blame the oxytocin. how can you kill your oxytocin.

WELL, WOMEN SEEM TO DO IT BY HAVING LOTS OF S WITH LOTS OF GUYS. THE C CAROUSEL.

so, have S with a lot of women then.

however that is hard to do for a man! only a few top alpha men like roosh v are actually TIRED of banging TOO MANY cute young gurls!

roosh has got it all out of his system and he is FINALLY focusing on more important things, like The Future Of The West. He only had to bang 9000000000000000 cute young girls to get there!

i only had to bang 1 hahahaha. and get muh heart totally REKT a number of times.

ive never worked a proper POS cash register, just the shittiest cash register. i never had to count muh own cash register, i never even had a computerized POS that had credit and debit cards, shit. so now i am using google to train myself SELF TRAIN on how to do a pos.

MW, MGTOW video i seem to have overlooked

Todd Magnusson 1 year ago (edited)
I don’t think MGTOW is extremely bad, but not an end all-be all for “red pill” men.

I got to give it to Rollo in his book The Rational Male, 12 years of research and he nails it down pretty well— The problem is primarily male and social imprinted. We let ourselves believe women are romantic as men. Men saying to a girl “you are so romantic,” said no man ever. The belief that women share the level of idealization of their partner that men do is far from reality. I know this first hand because the first girl I ever loved to my core, was the one I loved more than myself, and even a decade later still love deep down, but the truth is its a delusional pursuit. Loving a girl more then yourself is like putting the cart before the horse. Girls and women want to be lead, want things to be asserted, not do lead and be asserting.

Men must hold themselves higher, never get too comfortable, never sell their dignity down the river, never give all their heart to a woman. Their always has to be plates spinning, and I think some men just don’t feel the effort is worth it, and frankly I don’t blame them, most women aren’t worth it. No man enjoys always “keeping frame.” That is why there is MGTOW.  ”

yeah buddy

OVERBEARING

914

the problem with her cutting me off like this is not ONLY does it feel she is not treating ME like a human being……

it ALSO makes me less able to see HER as a human being. more of a monster. more of that Monstrous Stereotype Woman Yes All Women Woman, All Women Are Like That Woman. and i can attribute all sorts of things. like she treated me like scum BECAUSE of Alpha Omega Game / Career Mating Market Matrix.

I guess its very important that that matrix did not factor into her decision with me. even though I like and agree with that matrix. but i just felt that because she KNEW me, she could treat me more as an individual and that Our Case would be Special.

its one thing when you just fook each other for a few months and it does work out, ie all my past pseudo relationshits.

its another thing when you know each other over a few YEARS and respect each other and dont naturally drift apart.

anyway yeah it dehumanizes HER as well as ME.

listened to some davis mj aurini. his youtube is less Stark and more Funny than his writing. this is attribute to talking generally being better than writing, period. i would be talking to you right now if i were not cowardly!

“the most decadent sluts since the fall of rome”

dat title pulled me right in.

anyway in that one he basically said that sex is sacred and special and trying to separate sex from love, and giving sex away for such a low price, is a race to the bottom, and sluts ruin it for everyone, and that a broken heart is very very painful. so i agreed 100000% hahahahahaha.

anyway when she throws me away like this i can make up all those horrible theories like she was one of the All Women, who rejected me because i was a loser at Game and Career. well its true isnt it?

but she seemed to have respect for me during our friendship even though she knew perfectly well at that time that i was a loser at game and career, and she didnt seem to care, she accepted me for who i was, i didnt have to pretend, i could just be myself.

but yeah basically by me changing the game, i change the rules of the game too, and when i want to Court Her Romantically Love Secs, then there is a whole new way of reckoning Respect.

i guess that is hard to deal with. i didnt really have a different way of reckoning respect regarding her.

“womens sexual liberation” hehehehehe

yeah he looks like a virgin and kinda has that atheist fedora niceguy pedestal white knight mlady virgin creepiness about him, i was judging the book by its cover, and that put me off of listening to him for the longest time. and his voice takes some getting used to. he sounds really smug and arrogant and kind of annoying and kind of gay hahahaha.  but thats just the way he talks. or the image he intentionally cultivates with his gothic look or whatever and always smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch or something. i can understand wanting to be rebellious but whatever. somebody new to listen to.

yeah heartbreak is horrible. she went from being one of my favorite people to being my least favorite. she went from being a decent human being who treated me like human being, to a monster who treated me like garbage. and it happened overnight.

we were both heading towards our breaking points, in my case being in horrible love wiht her, in her case just cutting all ties and being done with me completely and forever.

we both hit the breakign points at pretty much the same time.

i just think she is being unfair in hating me so much. what did i do that was so wrong? i got feelings for her? i did not Respect Boundaries? yeah i guess. this shit is so fooking stupid. what do you do when someone doesnt want to talk to you though? you cut THEM loose. of course i could not do that because i was emotionally compromised by muh eternal unconditional luv for her.

its HARD to just cut somebody loose when you luv them, and they dont want to talk to you.

well i dont doubt that i will do things better in the future, will have learned my lesson; but i DO doubt i will meet another female friend i could get feelings for, in the future! i mean i am getting super old and she was already 8 years younger than me!

ok. how about this. when one person wants to just walk away from a 2 year relationship, and the other person wants to talk about, we might not be able to fix it but lets at least communicate, you OWE IT TO THEM to talk to them, to communicate with them, to give your feelings and listen to their feelings, unless they are Physically or Emotionally Abusing you.

now i was emotionally annoying her, because i was pushing her to talk, but i was not ABUSING her. her Silent Treatment and Avoidance was more Emotionally ABUSIVE!!!

to the point that i VOIDED everything when i got feelings: theres no RULE that you VOID everything. [i am trying to TALK BACK to my Constant, Automatic NEgative Nihilistic Discouraging Thoughts. Verbal Judo hahahaha]. every situation is gonna be different. if there IS any RULE, its that the two people need to TALK to each other to figure out what happens to the relationship now that one person has feelings.

i just cant blame it on her being a decadent modern woman. theres nothing i can blame it on other than maybe she has Personal Psych Issues which I dont really know about, although its nothing related to Type 2 Personality Disorders, Narcissism, Borderline, Hysterical, well what she did was kinda sociopathic but she wasnt a sociopath, i dunno. she was Just Done.

so maybe she feels bad, but she’s just too Done to apologize, so i have to Reach out to her if i want an apology? well i want an apology, but what i REALLY want is to get with her.

and if she really wanted to GET with me, well she would have. she would have made the leap because there was something in it for her. there was nothing in it for her if she didnt have feels.

so its safe to say she doesnt want to date me in other words.

so i am not gonna reach out for an apology! cuz what i really want is to be with her.

so she hates me? because…..i was pushy and made her feel uncomfortable? because she thought i was HIDING something from her? i was going crazy because i didnt WANT to hide it from her! I was knocking at the door but she wouldnt open it.

yeah i did things poorly, i should have just Confessed in an Email at least 50% earlier than i did. not after 10 months but after 5 months.

shit. 3 months. 3 months is good for everything.

EXCEPT FOR getting over a heartbreak. that prob takes more like 6 months.

and also having secs. that should be at LEAST 6 months of dating and really getting to know and trust someone.

the role of sex is to bond men and women together in long term monogamous rels, to make them fall in love with each other.

did i mention i finally made that phone call i have been dreading for weeks. it went as well as i could have hoped. the person knew immediately what i was talking about and was like yep theres an error there, they shouldnt be charging you that, well get it fixed, sorry about that. took 2 minutes. and i said thank you very much.

because i am so used to me being confused all the time, and people in my office passing the buck and doing runaround not because they were lazy, but because they were confused and couldnt  get help from our superiors fast or reliably enough.  got flustered because we didnt know what we were doing, asked for help, got SHITTY help, STILL didnt know what to tell the person, couldnt transfer them to someone who actually UNDERSTOOD the situation, and then took the “easy way out” of saying uhhhhhhh we cant fix that or you need to talk to so and so.

one of my least favourite aspects of the job.

but yeah she was a much bigger part of my life than i was of her life. so it hurts me much more.

technically she didnt hurt me…….but kinda yes she did. she cant help if she doesnt like me, but she CAN help how she responds/reacts to the situation. someone always gets hurt in a rejection, but the rejector can help MINIMIZE that pain, and i believe they SHOULD, that thats the morally right thing to do.

heh. i am obsessed basically with convincing myself that i am not the bad guy, because i am not certain that i didnt do something horrible, and i deserve this treatment!

well i can conclude that i in fact do NOTTTTTTTT deserve this treatment. i didnt DESERVE to live happily ever after, but i did deserve to be Let Down Easier.

i dont know WHY thats so important to me. because i believe it could have reduced the INTENSE pain i have been suffering for a damn long time, AND because i want to believe that i’m not wrong for wanting communication.

im not wrong for wanting communication, but i went about askign for it in a bad way. next time i will know better.

honestly i had never been in this position before. falling in luv wiht a female friend. after knowing them for a DAMN long time.

i was a huge pussy about telling the previous woman i had feelings for her too. cuz we worked together too. hahaha jobs are the only way i meet women. i didnt want it to endanger our job. so i waiting 9000000 years until she left the job first, then pulled the trigger, got rejected of course, still managed to do the easy job, then met woman2015 at the same easy job, didnt have feelings for HER, but became friends, and she got us both jobs at the new place, which was horrible, but paid way more, and i quit THAT job because the rejection was too much to take!

very IRONIC dont u think hahahah.

well, the LORD was trying to tell me that i either needed to end this job, or end this CHARADE of a rel. i guess He just wanted me to end both and quit deluding myself hahahaha. but oh GOD the pain. maybe he could help me with the pain though.

but i have gotten a lot better about Brisk Jogging.

well only 6 miles today and not 9 hahaha but i blame the nyquil hangover lol.

i budgeted 16 hours but it wasnt enough. next time budget like 18 hours hahahaha.

start drinking nyquil from the moment you get up in the morning hahahaha

actually some indica budz would be just as good but the shame and stigma hahahaha.

ironic that muh female fren was my only source for that hahahaha. yeah i am glad i got rid of the stuff i had left over from her.

she was nice enough to ask if i wanted anything when she went, i thought that mean she still had respect for me as a human being.

being in luv with her was a nice little break from being a huge loser at life; and now i am an EVEN BIGGER loser, without that job. that horrible horrible job.

and that horrible lie of a “friendship” hahahaha. and now she remembers it the same way hahaha.

well i wasnt trying to LIE to her! i was trying to tell her the truth and it was becoming an elephant in the room, it was OBVIOUS to both of us that something needed to be talked about!!!!!!!!!!!

so i dont see it as a lie. a lie is them asking you is everything all right, is there something you wanna tell me? and you say no.

not please i have something to tell you and nope no dont want to hear it.

but i didnt SAY i have something to tell you. i said pleaeeeeeesseeeee can i hang out wiht you. over and over again. then pleeeease i feel im losing u and i dont want to lose u. then please our friendship is hurting, lets communicate abotu it more. then im sorry again to be weird to u then the silent treatment began and that was it.

SURE i was OVERBEARING. thats another great word for what i was. overbearing. but i was overbearing BECAUSE the issue was not getting resolved. and i could only resolve the issue with HER cooperation. which she was totally unwilling to give.

and was therefore the most disappointing end to 10 months of disappointment, which altogether was a horribly disappointing end to one of the best rels with a woman i ever had in muh whole life. the end.

of COURSE i am going to be heartbroken! for a long time!

way more than 2 months! we are at the 2 month anniversary of the Freeze Out BTW.

i just wished we could have talked. or communicated. that is all. is that too much to want? is that unreasonable? i dont think so.

but does me asking for that talking in The Wrong Way, in a eyr Overbearing way, make me the bad guy? i mean its not super smooth, but i dont think asking for a good thing in an overbearing way makes me the bad guy!

but i still am angry at her because i dont think it would have been THAT hard or painful for her to say OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY UGHHHHH

MUCH less painful than what im going thru now. although she did not intend to cause me this much pain, she could have stopped a decent amount of pain, and i really wish she had.