somebody on TRS recommended this metal band, atlantean kodex, a 2013 album. i dont have much energy to listen to new music unless it comes from a reputable recommender which i would count the TRSwaggots as. people generally cmpare it to candlemass, bathory, and epic power metal. they said it was somewhat nationalistic but not sure about that, but they seem to not be ashamed of there bavarian heritage, so thats good, and the lyrics might be larpagan stuff that generally relates to europe, so i think thats what they meant. they arent outright 1488 in other words, and leftist journalists like pitchfork have no problem with them, so.

but yeah it sounds pretty good! great production, long epic songs, soaring vocals, very majestic. i like epic metal and i think it is a decent goal to take epic doom like candlemass and mix it up into an even more epic thing of 10 minute songs.

was also looking for good racially oriented bands. stahlgewitter seems pretty “based” with intimidating tough guy vocals, but they are in german, which adds to the toughguy, BUT i kinda want to know what they are saying. apparently they arent SO 1488 that they are outlawed by the Cucked German ZOG, but i guess its fairly well known they are racially aware and pro-white.

BASICALLY i am looking for something that is upbeat and high energy like vapaudenristi, with good production and drums, somewhat roaring/tough vocals, somewhat melodic, with good lyrics that inspire true nationalist and racial pride without being corny or silly, and in english.

i listened to some skrewdriver but i am autismal about the production. i will have to take some more time and effort with skrewdriver of course.

anyway you have to get good at Cognitive Judo to Karate Chop the BARRAGE of negative thoughts and impaired judgments coming at you all the time. like a damn video game sending out enemy after enemy to get you.

i hate that feeling that i am not entitled to kindness or sympathy just because this was all in my damn head.

the proper response to that is, she could have treated me with the golden rule and made some effort to be kind.

and also noone is entitled to anything sure, but thats a useless argument, you should adopt the REASONABLE EXPECTATION argument instead. if someone was once your friend and not some random stranger, you have a reasonable xpectation to Golden Rule Kindness from them towards you.

QUOTE from TRS forum thread on autistic ridic ASMR vidyas, which is kinda like “emotional porn” of QT gurls whispering to simulate the tingly feel of at QT gurl whispering in your ear, if you have ever experienced that, which if you dont get that on the reg, it gets you all tingly and excited:

Natalie Szőke about 15 hours ago
I’m pretty sure people who haven’t experienced being close to someone has a much more sensitive response to this kind of thing, so that would explain why autists are such a large percentage of who enjoys it. Kind of how people are more ticklish before experiencing a lot of close interaction.

I’ve felt it before but only once or twice, and never from one of these videos, otherwise I probably wouldn’t believe it was even real.


good point natalie but check your closeness cuddle privilege hahahaha some of us virgins dont get our cuddle on regularly at all. also i have a finely tuned radar for Young Women on this forum, esp young unmarried women, of which there are maybe 1 or 2 hahahaha. either way i am too old and pathetic for a gurl like natalie hahahaha.

so yeah i think its shitty that these autist bitches do that to poor pathetic neet autist virgins. cant they seek their attention elsewhere. or do they sadistically delight in vampiring off the hope and luv of THE most pathetic hopeless men in existence?

but is that just me being woman hating again. to hate attention whoring asmr sluts who get tingles off neet virgins getting tingles of them whispering in their ears.

or is it just me getting butthurt from a 21 year old traditional marriageable woman rightfully saying people like me are Not Very Experienced and Would get off to Mere Youtube Whispering?

well i dont watch the shit. but i was a big fan of cuddling and touching and tickling and whispering when i did it once 10 years ago hahahaha.

someone on the forum  (OneEye, I generally approve of him!) says ” Women can detect fakery and bullshit much better than men can, it’s built into them biologically”. how true is this? cuz i thought women were generally much more gullible and foolable and easily led than men. so much so that women themselves become huge fakes because they dont have a strong sense of self, of who they actually are, they are always “going with the flow” so much. BUT its normal and good to pick a strong horse over a weak horse innit? well not if the strong horse is not the white horse hahahaha.

heh. i was watching lisa ling cnn do a think on “mystery land” in new york, a huge electronic festival, and i reflected how my own state had a big festival like that, and i can only imagine it as a huge degenerate thing of drugs and promiscuous secs, although with probably a “good” number of young and attractive women. i mean big summer music festivals are really not a new thing. but a bunch of 20 year old gurls on “molly” looking to get fooked by strangers sounds really sad and degenerate. the idea did not titillate me that much. i much preferred the idea of cuddling on the couch with That Woman, no novelty, no variety, just monogamy and cuddling and austistic ASMR hahahaha was more exciting than all the drugs and buffet of young white pvssy. i just wanted on nice young pvssy attached to a nice decent white woman and she could tickle me and me tickle her and whisper in my ear and cuddle me and just give me a fooking fair chance and not crash the plane with no survivors hahahaha. give me a chance, dont give up on me because i wasnt perfect.

so if a gurl goes to a multi day music festival with camping, uhhhhhh not a good sign. how many guys does the average gurl add to Her Number at these things?

no way would i let my daughter go to such a thing!

but then wouldnt my daughter REBEL against me, thus i would GUARANTEE her being an even BIGGER slut, by me using strict anti slut defense measures as a father????!?!?!?!?!

ANYWAY my POINT was, when somebodies talking about entitlement, just tune them out. technically no one is entitled to anything. but when you enter into a friendship, there is a SOCIAL CONTRACT of RESPONSIBILITIES implied there: that both people will try not to be shitty to each other.

so she thought i was being shitty to her, therefore she was gonna be super shitty to me.

but i wasnt REALLY being shitty! i was being a TINY bit shitty, like i say, -1, but she was being at LEAST -20 if not -50!!!!! have a SENSE OF PROPORTION!!!!!!!!!!!

basically the idea that she had NO responsibility to me, because my luv was one sided, therefore she had no responsibility to not throw me away like a piece of garbage.


she had the responsibility to take our whole damn history into account and to try to see the best of me rather than the worst of me, espcially since it was not an abusive relationship. im not even sure it was a toxic relationship. it was definitely getting there. it was more of a ROUGH PATCH that had it continued longer might have developed into a toxic rel. well, the rough patch went on for like 7 months. so yeah the whole rel was becoming toxic. but not abusive. mainly a complete communication breakdown.

ive repeated allt hsi for months. but you see how the negative thoughts barrage me constantly like bad guys in a vidya gaym. and i have to K them All.  stuff like i was to blame, i was the bad guy, i betrayed her, i abused her, i was weak, its my fault she hates me, i betrayed her, i made a big mistake, she wouldnt treat me like this if i didnt do something horribly wrong, i was a weak loser and thats why she rejected me, she was my last chance, i will never meet a woman this good that i had such a real connection with, that was the end, this is the end of my life, my life is over, see the thoughts just keep coming and coming.

yeah i was a little weak, but if she were committed to the rel, she would have tried too. she wasnt committed or invested AT ALL, therefore she didnt TRY AT ALL or lift a damn finger or make a damn effort to do the right thing.

she could have tried! she could have done SOME work! she could have made SOME effort!

its a common complaint that “it feels like im doing all the work”.

i hate it when bitches say, well just adjust your expectations and perception then. be happy then. be happy and satisfied with a cold person who is drifting away from you and treating you like shit and you clearly love them 100000000000 times more than you love them.

fook that. thats still one sided as fook. last time i checked rels take 2 people. and i believe white women still have SOME agency. they are not Retarded Children the way the pick up artists, mgtows, and women haters, and virgins, and me would have you believe hahahaha. oh god i hope all women are not retarded children are they?

no some are mature and decent, like woman2012.

bbbbbut woman2015 did show maturity and agency with other men! I just couldnt get her to show that with me!

well because there SHE was getting dumped and SHE was desperate remember. she was so desperate shed have a talk with the men about feeelings.

but when SHE has to dump a guy, her usual method is to ignore them entirely and hope they get the picture. i saw her do it to this one pathetic guy who was in luv with her. but i was way closer to her than HE was. WAY closer. and therefore i never thought she would do the same thing to me. it hurt me more than it hurt him. like i think they are still faceberg friends, she didnt BLOCK him, he didnt have a breakdown, even though he was kinda the type who would. he more or less just had a temporary crush on her.

i dunno why i feel like i have this jury of women judging me, saying: you brought this on yourself, you deserved this, you awful man. dont complain this hurts. you could have stahpped this. you caused this. YOU did this, not her. you made the choice here, to fook up the rel and to make her do this. yes you did betray her, yes you did deserve this. you reap what you sow. etc etc etc.

because maybe i feel Team Woman would always side with her and would always do the same thing to me…..which really Not All Women Would Act This Way.


or the idea that i am so autistic, so unexperienced, that i will never understand women, and this is jsut one of those things that normie guys understand about women: “yeah its stupid, theyre like retarded children, but if you get feelings for them, they hate you like you are pond scum. just accept it and know thats the stupid way they think.” really???!?!?!?!

ive never been hated like this before! i dont like being hated! i dont like doing things that make people hate me!

i tried to think of when I hated a person like this before. the closest i came was an old roommate in 2001 and woman2005. and yeah it was silly for me to hate them that much. but that doesnt really compare. because with woman2005 i still wanted her, i wanted her back, i hated her for dumping me and then for giving me false hope we would get back together, and then hated her for the happiness she felt from other guys and how she liked other guys way more than she liked me.

but That Person, she hates me with a total contempt and disgust. she isnt jealous for me. she doesnt want something she cant have. i dont even hate individual people like this. i have no frame of reference. the closest thing is my racist hatred for fat, disgusting white mud sharks who defile their race by being fat degen white trash sluts who had mud babies with the worst blacks. and THATS how SHE feels about ME!!!!!

or how about just gross sluts in general, it doesnt have to be just mudshark sluts. but just some ridiculous slut who has been with 50 guys. you just feel disgust and contempt and dont want anything to do with the person.

bach cello suites. i tried to find a white performer hhahahahaha so this guy rostropovich

Polish-German-Lithuanian-Russian family

i know on wikipedia those terms mean nothing, but they usually say in the early life “a j00ish family” or down at the bottom “russian j00s” or something hahahahaha. nothign like that here. also he was friends with soltzenitsyn, so i think we are safe.

not that you cant enjoy a j00ish performer of BACH……i just prefer not to at this point in muh life. there are plenty of options on youtube ni99a.

always read the “EARLY LIFE” section on wikipedia hahaha. rostropovich was a student of shostokovich, who, though the latter was influenced by ((((mahler)))), is still ok. btw stravinsky does not echo. i couldnt remember. it is ((((schoenberg)))) and ((((webern)))) you want to avoid. technically philip ((((glass)))) as well but i have liked some of his stuff.


i wasnt used to being hated, esp not for the wrong reasons! and me, the most hateful person in the world, had never hated someone like that before! i have no frame of reference for this!

and you dont like being remembered in a misunderstood wrong way! forever and ever she will remember me as a lower than dirt piece of shit who betrayed her. and thats wrong! i dont deserve to be remembered that way for the rest of her life!!!!! how can the people she knows condone that??!?!?! cant they advise her and say, ya know, youve got the wrong idea about him. because she either tells her own bullshit version of the story to them, or more likely, just tells them nothing at all.

but yeah i never hated a woman like that! except when i was jealously wanting to get back together with her! which is way different than this, where you hate them and want to never see them again, want nothign to do with them. that was more like how i hated my male roomate hahaha.

and i didnt feel betrayed by him, i was just like, yep i did misunderstand him, now i truly understand him, this guy is so fooked up and just so fookin weird. we used to have deep 18 year old teens talks about the meaning of life, and what it all meant maaaannnn, and he came to a hopeless, nihilistic, mgtow, completely atomized and lonely vision of life that i thought was horrifying, and he was completely ok with it. in hindsight he was probably just TROLLING me!!!!!! but rightfully i was horrified that someone should not feel despair over the horrible world he described!

but me and That Woman were very much on the same page re our worldview, and had developed a meaningful relationship with each other. its not like as i got to know her, i thought…..who is this person i thought i knew?

well now i do, after the end hahahaha.

yeah. i just hate being hated. also i just cant understand feeling BETRAYED. even when i hated a person i didnt really feel BETRAYED, as much as SOLD OUT. like, you never really cared about me.  you sold me out and just left me in the lurch.

its hard to get used to the fact that theres someone out there who was very important to you, and they have the wrong idea about you, and will never change it. you want to clear up the misunderstanding but cant.

i would honestly feel better if she didnt hate me! it sucks to have someone important to you just use a guillotine to end the rel, and then go on hating you in perpetuity.

but thats ON HER. if youre gonna hate someone because you feel they BETRAYED you because they got feelings….. thats an indicator of your own immaturity and stupidity frankly. thats not how a normal person views that situation. thats not even how I view that situation!

yeah it was a bad TIME for me to get those feelings. but i admitted that to her, and was willing to admit all the minor mistakes i made. she was not willing to admit any mistakes she made, for example big mistakes like ignoring me and throwing me away.

why would i want someone like that?

becuase she wasnt always like that! her default position to people was one of NICENESS, and i enjoyed that niceness immensely! there were really no red flags that she would treat anyone like this!

she sort of ignored the pathetic acquaintance who was in luv with her, but i didnt think she’d ignore me the same way because i was much closer friends with her.

she cut off the guy who cheated on her, but he cheated on her! he deserved no mercy! shit if some gurl i was in love with cheated on me, id be BEGGING HER to please stop cheating on me and please just get back together with me! when in fact shed probably just dump me altogether. That Woman showed emotional maturity by kicking a cheater to the curb, thats not a red flag, its a good thing!

if anything I would be emotionally immature by begging the cheater to please change, and please dont leave me, ill forgive your cheating 6000000 times, just dont leave me! and then they would leave me hahahaha.

so yeah there were some general yellow flags, but no red flags that she would do something like this to me. so the Red Flag Analysis does not help me process this. nothing helps me process this. it cannot be processed. ultimately, it doesnt really need to be processed. other than to say it was unprocessable, it was a horrible misunderstanding, she refused to listen or empathize or try at all, and i cant make her understand or try, so she will always hate me for a stupid reason.

i dont even KNOW that she does HATE me. maybe its total indifference. well now, 6000000 years later, im sure its indifference. i am just somebody she used to know long ago. and by the way what a piece of shit he was! but that is way in the past. doesnt matter.

well i believe you shouldnt live in the past, but you should appreciate how the past shapes your present and future. for example you just cant unfook all those coks you fooked, all those hearts you broke, all the people you sold out and screwed over. you have to truly repent and make amends and become a better person, or else you will rightfully be viewed with suspicion and distrust. the past is real. its important. its real important hahahaha. it matters.

thats why if a woman says OH THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST, thats a RED FLAG. yes its in the past but the past matters. now tell me how youve changed and become a better person and wont do the same thing again, when youve shown a PATTERN OF BEING SHITTY TO PEOPLE.

you had a baby with a deadbeat in the past. well now you still have a growing baby to take care of.

you cheated in the past. well now we know you have the capability of cheating, vs a person who’s never cheated.

same with sluttishness. you did it once, youre capable of it, you could do it again.


yeah i was a degenerate too. but i admit it and i regret it and i will be the first to tell how that was wrong and bad and i never want to do that again!!!!!!!

anyway this is why i want an impartial judge and jury to listen to the facts of the case and determine that i was a little wrong sure, but she is WAY OFF in her interpretation of this, and i didnt deserve this treatment, and shes WRONG to remember me this way!

well maybe she doesnt hate me. shes “just done” with me. or she doesnt feel betrayed by me. shes “just done” with me. fine. but i still say its shitty to just be “done” with someone and dispose of them in this manner. if you want to be just done with someone, tell them and try to make it easy on them. dont just ignore them and give them nothing.


think of the other person whos heart youre breaking!

i showed empathy to her! i knew what she was going thru! i knew she had a lot on her plate, and that feelings from me were at a terrible time!

but just make an EFFORT to show empathy to me. just a little. ie, see that i want to hang out and talk, so stop blowing me off to hang out and talk.

well i took a break to clean the room. got out a huge bag of throwaway trash/rubbish/garbage, which i am throwing away the way she throwed me away hahahahaha. had to double bag it the way you should probably do it when she spreads that easy pvssy hahahaha to everyone but me. o lord.

anyway, got a huge bag of trash.

and also a pretty big bag of stuff to donate. books and clothes and shit.

AND also moved some stuff into a permanent long term storage bin that will be moved out of the room. this is stuff i cannot bear to throw away, like Journals and Poems and Photos or stuff given to me by long gone friends. that isnt so degenerate i just cant throw it away.

some stuff reminds me so much of the degenerate idiot youth i was, i just threw it away.

its easier to throw stuff away if you dont LOOK at it first hahahaha.

like i threw away a poem/lyric i wrote over 15 years ago that i was VERY PROUD OF at the time, but now i shake my head at what an edgy, dumb teen i was, going down the wrong road with that nihilist or god forbid even communist stuff! that i CAN bear throwing away.

i know my stupid rebellion happened, i dont need any reminders or “keepsakes” or “souvenirs” of how stupid i was. that’s like a slut keeping videos or pictures of the all the slutty secs she’s had. the shits in your memory anyway. its one thing to learn from the past and never forget, but you dont need to TORTURE yourself.

vaccumed the floor of the closet, which had not been done in years, since that was kinda my storage space.

basically GOT RID of this falling apart large cardboard box on the floor of the closet, which was my previous long term storage box till now. threw some stuff out of it. moved everything else to a large study plastic storage bin that will be moved elsewhere. return to the bins once every 2-3 years to throw stuff out hahahaha.

PURGE your STUFF. look for any books, dvds, cds (i am so old i still have a bunch of CDs hahahahaha in storage.) that is DEGENERATE! and just throw it away. or maybe donate it if its not too degenerate hahahaha. maybe some poor blacks will enjoy rolling blunts on your old book by a j00ish neocohen hahahaha.

like i have a super nintendo and some games that i am really hesistant to get rid of. those were honestly great times.

and a bunch of CDs. i already got rid of at least half my CDs but some i had more of an emotional connection to. honestly good memories. i would rather donate them to someone who might appreciate them. i thought muh female friend might appreciate some of them but i will never donate them to her hahahahaha. O. SUCH A TRAGEDY. I CANT DUMP MY UNWANTED GARBAGE ON HER ANYMORE hahahaha. NO, thats not what i MEANT. i meant i knew she actually still listened to CDs (i think) and i would give her no more than 10 CDs of stuff i am pretty sure she would like anyway.

anyway. 1 big bag of trash, 1 bag of d’nations, got rid of 1 stupid big old box, transferred stuff to big plastic container, freed up another good medium plastic container and put other stuff in it.

i swear. PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS are where its at. sterilite, rubbermaid, big ones, and medium ones, with lids. thats what you want. then store and stack em. put stuff near the top that you might use soon.

i would say the smallest you want to get is not SUPER small. make it big enough that you could put a full piece of A5 paper in it facing down. notebooks, folders, shit like that.

if you find yourself looking at a piece of carpet you havent looked at in years, vaccum it.

so i spent at least 90 solid minutes cleaning muh room and it made me feel pretty accomplished. that was good.

i also spilled a huge mug of coffee on the carpet hahahaha.

the falling apart 40 year old cardboard box i tore up and threw away. i was sick of that box being there.

30, 40, 50 year olds are undecided and going to a democratic caucus. come on. there is only one obvious answer here. i could understand a 20 year old twit. but they shouldnt have the vote. you shouldnt have the vote until AT LEAST 25, better 30.

its possible that trumpenfuhrer will disappoint us and sell us out after he wins hahahaha. and never build the wall and let in floods of immigrants and migrants and sell out more jobs to asians. but so would anyone else hahahaha.

like the 50 year old white male small business owner who was thinking of voting for BERNIE. wtf?????????

these fookin politicians hahahaha. degenerate scumbags. so how is a scumbag businessman any better hahaha.

also, i dont like how she thinks she is right and I am wrong. I think I am right and she is wrong. but i need constant convincing. she needs no convincing at all to beleive she is right, ie, that i am in the wrong, that i am an evil betrayer and piece of shit. i obviously dont want her to believe that. because its horrible AND its wrong. and i need to convince myself ERRY DAY that she is wrong and i am right about that fact, and that i dont deserve that.

its hard to put myself in her shoes because ive never been in that position, but i LIKE TO THINK, given my crude approximation of empathy, that i would act a lot better. but men and women are different, SO DIFFERENT, that they CANNOT POSSIBLY see it from the other persons view.

see, i believe men and women are very different, but not SO MUCH that they cant EMPATHIZE with each other. or that you have to say, “WELL, if i were a retarded child with no agency, which is how women are, how would i think about this”? shouldnt have to do that.

like if i had a female friend who liked ME and was signalling hard and wanting to hang out for months and months and months, i would not blow off her hangout. i’d sack up and do what had to be done. i would meet with her, see what she has to say, and since thats a tough thing to say, i would try to grease the wheels by saying, you seem like you have something you want to tell me. youve been acting like you like me. is that it? well im sorry baby i just can luv you like you luv me. sorry to break your heart. you dont deserve that. we should not see each other for a while. i will try to get my desk moved around the corner. or you can hahahaha. i will also not flirt with people from work right in front of you hahaha.

looking for candlemassy semi”traditional” doom…..but more epic. candlemass did not have 10 minute songs. they had like 5 to 6 minute songs. not long enough. so…..lets try some morgion (an all time fav!) and dont forget about before the rain.

and now how about such a band with explicitly pro-white lyrics, and from poland. hahahaha.

trimmed beard as well.

really should get to Gym as well.

but i have only had 795 calories today.

found a bunch of handwritten journals from like 2004, 2005. back when i was still young, still had some potential and hope. well i was not hopeFUL lets say that. i still felt a lot of despair, and threw my life away, and like not, i wrote a lot about it. except then i was drinking quite a bit, and writing the stuff in damn notebooks that need to be stored away in boxes for years to come. so should i just throw the shit away????? i kinda dont want to. hence they get stored in the long term box. maybe in 10 years i can bring myself to throw them away. or i can give them to my wife and children to read to see what a maniac degenerate their father was. yet i am convinced that in those writings you can see my intention to do the right thing, to unfook myself, the nondegen golden heart buried beneath it all.

well as late as 2007/8 i was a self identified leftist. OH NOES.

ok made backups of a livejournal i had going from 2006 to like 2008,9, and some in 11.

it was 707 pages long hahahahahahahahaha.

livejournal does not let you backup pages oh noes.

what would a reasonable, mature person do?

she would have done what i would have done in that situation:

agreed to meet

brought up the topic myself / led them into the difficult topic / asked them straight up on what i suspected the topic actually was

dump them nicely and try not to break their heart

*******understand that a friend developing feelings for you was not a betrayal of the friendship, and no doubt THEY are feeling even more conflicted about than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really the main, only thing she really needed to understand, and which she totally fooking shat the bed on. if i cant convince her of this, i cant convince her of anything. thats something she needs to Learn In Life, Herself.

did she think this was EASY for me? that i was NOT conflicted? obviously the tension was so thick for both of us you could cut it with a knife! i obviously didnt ENJOY this or think it was CUTE!

i have a broken fooking guitar in the basement and brought it up to throw away. i mean the guitar is unfixably broken. the right thing to do is get rid of it, and not let broken shit take up space.

i am not a HOARDER by any means, but i do hoard small amounts of useless junk that really should be thrown away.

out of ALL the people to give the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, it was ME. like oh. lets not JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. lets HEAR HIS SIDE OF THE STORY rather than fooking BLOCK HIM. maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is (ie thats what she should have been thinking.)

ever since all this shit happened my personal hygiene has been horrible. easily go 3, 4, sometimes 5 days without a shower, takes an effort to brush teeth 1 time a day, that kind of shit. wearing dirty clothes, dirty drawers hahahahaha, going to gym and getting covered in sweat and NOT taking a shower, not changing drawers hahahaha for like 4 or 5 days in a row. i got better about brushing teeth but i would like to get better about taking shower. come on. at LEAST once every 2 days hahahaha.

but yeah this has been a total mindfook. nothing could have prepared me. to have someone you were so close to get rid of you in SUCH a bad way. no it wasnt all in my head, dont you remember when you used to like me as a friend? now you throw me away? because you felt i betrayed you?

give me an ultimatum before pulling ultimatum worthy shit! request a private meeting if you dont want to give the ultimatum in public at stressful job place! then i would have told you my shit too!

it hurts to be thrown away by someone who used to care for you. and she did. i just wish she had reflected more on that before pulling the fookin trigger.

or even cooling off after a few weeks or months and contacting me then, like oooosh i didnt mean to throw you away like that im sorry, let me try rejecting you in a better way.

its probably because she felt so betrayed and thrown away by the PREVIOUS guy, that she is taking that out on ME. human centipede style. because she cant give it back to HIM. well why not? did he block her? i thought she did give him a piece of her mind and tell him what a giant piece of shit he was.  i dont know though.

its just so UNREAL. and knowing youll never make sense of it. knowing there will be no closure. knowing they will always remember you WRONGLY. its very very very hard to just accept that and live with that. it just takes a long time of suffering until HOPEFULLY you become numb to the suffering. 600 days hahahahaha.

and i cant contact her NOW because…..that would be CREEPY, and i have to be EXTRA CAREFUL not to be CREEPY. or else dr nerdluv and atheist elevator skepchick and anita sarkeesian might put me in jail because i made a woman feel uncomfortable for the shitty things shes done hahahahaha.

because its ALL ABOUT THEM hahahaha. i wish she had even TRIED to give a damn about me in the end. thats so frustrating. because she USED to be SO NICE to me. she was nice to everybody and extra nice to me and i was like wow its awesom when women are nice to you instead of huge ice cold bitches. i could see myself liking this.

anyway cleaning the room like that was YUGE. more rewarding than going to the gym. so, once in a while, instead of going to the gym, clean your room instead and get rid of junk. throw away, donate, or put into long term storage.

then once in while, go into long term storage and go through that, try to donate or throw away.

use medium storage boxes to organize stuff you may use in the short term. use large storage boxes for long term storage.

not really good. hahahha. because i did NOTTTTTTT start the rel under FALSE PRETENSES (though MAYBE she thinks i did)

[update aug 2016: yeah i was still going thru a lot of conflict at this time in january. by now i have reached more “closure” and “equanimity”, i.e., it’s easier to see that the simplest explanation is the best, i.e, she just didnt want to deal with a difficult, horribly uncomfortable situation, and just avoided dealing with it altogether. ran away. she probably did NOT hate me or feel betrayed by me. it probably DID cause her pain to end the rel. the rel, and me, probably DID mean something to her. but it was just classic fight or flight. I fought, and she fled. we have all ran away from responsibility, or given up when the going gets tough. and thats all it was. doesnt mean it doesnt suck horribly for me though! it took a damn YEAR for me to reach this fairly reasonable conclusion.]

also its WEIRD HOW MANY PEOPLE would be okay staying friends. with one sided feelings. then they would just try to kill their one sided feelings and appreciate the friendship for what it is. that just is weird as fook to me. cuz i just can kill the feelings. i always want them and need to be away from them for a long time, probably forever. i wish more people understood that!!!!!!

google is it WRONG to get feelings for a friend?

not much good articles. i dont think its WRONG. especially if you are not breaking up relationships or what not. it seems the mature thing to do is to maturely talk about it, without doing a “feelings dump”, and then communicate. not that they women say that. they say well its kinda shitty to tell them about it if they havent given you any signals of interest. women HATE communication and LOVE stupid SIGNALS. god damn stupid. so then YOURE the bad guy when you want to TALK about it. then its a FEELINGS DUMP and too much.

so you dont tell them youre in LOVE with them, you just say i have feelings for you. period. lets go out on a date and cuddle and have casual sex hahahaha.

well what do you call it when the person makes stupid excuses to never hang out wiht you?

then you take the hint and realize they just dont ever want to hang out with you ever again. just lay down and accept that theyre done and its all about them and you dont deserve common courtesy.  hahahaha.





dear god please help me. hehehehe.

it has been 90 days approx since i last contacted her. it has been approx 124 days since everything ended. and i feel i dunno. not ok. not at the top of my game hahahah. still a fookin rollercoaster.  shit is stupid. that shit pretty much ruined my whole YEAR. no joke. turned 2015 from an ok year, getting better, to the WORST YEAR EVER. foook.

every day you relive bits and pieces and feel the pain. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS hahaha. i think you have to! that would be my advice, feel your feelings, dive right into the pain and suffer ridiculous prolonged pain and never contact them until one day about a YEAR later you feel more normal. the end.

bits and pieces. yesterday i was thinking of short talks we had when things were still good, ie she was distancing herself so it wasnt really good, but we were talking. she talked about things she wanted to do and i said heck yeah i’ll take you to bla bla bla whenever you want, i agree that would be fun. lets do it hahahaha. and she just gave some noncommittal answer like yeah that would be fun lol only never to speak of it again, and in fact she simply refused to hang out with me AT. ALL. how do you think that made me feel hahahahaha.

so she wants to do those things, just not with ME. some other guy is gonna do those fun things with her and then fook her and she is gonna be LOYAL and LOVING to HIM. great.

i am A Naturaly Empath, meaning i can read other peoples feelings right away. its a SKILL i have hahahaha. i can tell RIGHT AWAY when somebody is having a bad day. i can read people like a book just by lookng at them. so i knew right away when SHE was becoming distant, but i was misattributing it, and deluding myself. oh she’s just stressed about her life, but she still wants to work things out with me.

the reality was, she WAS stressed out about her life, AND she did NOT want to work things out with me.

and i was observing a male acquaintance of mine the other day who was clearly in a bad mood and PROBABLY about his ladyfriend, and i dont trust her, it looks like an imbalance where he luvs her more, meaning one day she will dump him and he will be heartbroken, and that day might be upon us!

its insanely insulting and offensive and disoreineting and sickening and DEVASTATING when YOU want to work to make something work. you say baby lets talk about this, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS; and their response is NO, i dont WANT to get through this, i just want to be DONE. im DONE with you. NOTHING you can do can fix this. nothing WE can do together can fix this. Even though things were good, i dont even want to work to get back to THAT. i just dont want you.

they would rather give up on you and dump you and not be with you, than work on shit.  i hate this bullshit.

basically you think: did she ever care about me AT ALL, EVER? when things seemed good? you obviously dont even want to go back to the good times. you would rather have me out of your life than go back to the good times. so those good times werent so good then? you were with me out of pity or weakness? wtf? why were you ever with me in the first place? oh yeah thats right, sex is just recreational.

now this guy knew this gurl for shorter than i knew That Person….but it was still about a year maybe. almost a year.  ANNNNDDDD he hung out with her a lot more, cuz they were actually “dating” and fooking. but the main point is, he spent a lot more time with her in 1 year, than i probably spent with That PErson in 2.5 years. in terms of Raw Hours Hanging Out one on one.

it shakes you to your very core when someone would rather Be Done with you, than try to Work Things Out with you.  you beg them, please we can work this out, lets talk about it, i’ll change, i’ll do anything, but they dont want to talk. they just dont want to be with you AT. ALL. under any circumstance. when you had been deluding yourself that things were ok. even if you are an empath hahahahaha. or you had been banging and cuddling just a few days ago. that was her just going thru the motions. its over. shes done with you.

this happens all the time, to every man.

it IS a big deal to get dumped by someone you luv. the heartbreak is DEVASTATING. not just for me, but every man whos been dumped. it is DEVASTATING. i dont know why i need to keep explaining this. becuase women just dont understand. because they do 90% of the dumping, that they dont remember or know what its like to GET dumped.

well i GUARANTEE that when they did get dumped…….they were devastated too. they stalked the guy, they went out and fooked 1000000 guys and became a slut. they handled it a lot worse than you did! and then immediately start dating and fooking guys but always being one foot out the door, being with a guy but halfheartedly, not really loyal or committed, cuz really they havent gotten over some guy from the past, but were so scared of not having a dick in them, they never went without having a dick in them. disgraceful.

its childish! its like women complaining about manchildren living at home and playing vidya and deadend jobs at age 35……..well WOMEN ARE EVEN MORE CHILDISH. they might be making 30DAH at their human resources / recruiting / pr / manager careers, but they are MORAL INFANTS compared to these Brave, Courageous, Morally Upright Manchildren!

a story as old as time. one person likes the other person more. invested more, committed more, more loyal, wants it more, loves them more. one sided. an obvious imbalance. tipping the scales. this is not complicated or unique. of course the best thing to do is to end it. but it is incredibly painful, and the person ending it Is Morally Obligated not to bring them any more pain, by like dumping them in the worst way possible.

you have abandonment issues because youve BEEN ABANDONED! i dont see how this is an ISSUE. people you trust just up and leave you.

also what many women call NEEDY or CLINGY is just the fact that the guy likes them MORE. when you LOVE someone, you want to spend time with them. plain and simply. in this sense, love is inherently NEEDY. because you really want to spend time with them. like hang out once a week or something.  this isnt NEEDY, its NORMAL when a person has FEELINGS. havent you even had FEELINGS for a man? remember when?

i thought women were supposed to be Natural Empaths. NOPE. men are WAYYYYYYY more empathetic than women. women cant understand needy guys or dumped guys, even though women have at times been needy or dumped.

but i was NEEDY because i wanted to talk to a Friend at Work regularly, when we used to talk regularly? you cant tell someone to f00k off out of your life without hurting them! you cant tell them i dont want to be friends anymore but you obviously do, now leave me alone cuz thats what i want, without hurting them!

so i have to accept you dont like me any more and dont want to talk to me? how do you THINK that makes me feel? that i should just say oh ok guess ill go EAT WORMS?????? and kind of i did say that but also in a beta passive aggressive way. so its all my fault of course.

well it was because she knew something was up becuase i was ACTING WEIRD and making her uncomfortable. i wonder if she was Empathic or Emotionally Mature enough to realize i was acting weird BECAUSE i had feelings for her.

the emotionally mature person says, uh oh, my friend is getting feelings for me and i dont. awwwwwwkwarrrrrrd. well theyre not a bad person so i better try to let them down as gently as possibly cuz they are gonna be disappointed.

ive never had to do this, yet i know the right way to do this. im not a fookin genius. i just TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. its like women dont even understand or know the golden rule. you learn that when you are 4 years old. come on.

well its got to be bad for this guy i know, he’s been like fooking her for a year and spending TONS of time with her, and then she suddenly decides she’s not into it any more? that she doesnt want him as much as he wants her? shit i would be devastated too. because you think……all those good times we had…..didnt they mean anything to you??? well yeah they did, just not nearly as much. the good times werent special enough that I want to continue being with you. DAMN.

yeah this really is irreconcilable differences. cuz the woman doesnt WANT to TRY To reconcile. why? because she just doesnt luv you. she just doesnt want to be with you even if you reconcile. she would rather be alone or be with other guys than YOU. of COURSE that hurts. why do i have to keep explaining that it hurts? i do it for the women, and the beta cucks who are being shamed by women, and turned into emotional moral infant women, who no longer understand basic truths about life, such as, being dumped is devastating and lemme write you a 9000000 page book exactly WHY.

i know shes capable of luv because i have seen her luv other men more than she luvs me!!!!!!!!

why do women always want to dump you rather than Work It Out? because they dont want to work it out, bceause they dont want to be with you period.

then why did they spend all that time with you and have secs with you and things went well for a while?

because they went well for a while but then they stopped because all rels have an expiration date and many women rarely date guys for longer than a year….????

well the guy i know is very confident and charismatic and has a great job and is very ambitious in his career, real vice president type material here, if not C Suite hahahahaha. makes good money, is very charismatic and intelligent. not sure the girl is a great match for him because she is moody and walled off and i am not sure she would be a good match for ANYBODY! probably getting over some baggage hahahaha. ex bf she cant get over, or she was raept and seeks the attention of men, but cant really connect with men emotionally. who knows. i never trusted her hahahaha but she was young and cute so thats good enough to get decent provider men to fall in luv with you.

do these men not consider the personality?

well, its easy to fool a person into thinking youre a good person: you just be nice to them and show interest in them, and turn on that sweet gentle feminine warmth for a while. that is the female equivalent of being charming. you can just turn it on and off apparently. this shit that really makes you connect with a woman, they can turn off and on so easily.

i mean its not HARD to be NICE. it really isnt. the biggest bitch in the world can be super nice to you for a few months. a year.

but are they showing you real loyalty?

do they really want to spend time with you?

why do programs crash hahahaha when you are struggling to explain the Root Cause of Welp the program or service crashed. why????

uhhhh there was a runtime error that will need to be address by the software development and or engineering team. but i havent gotten permission to send the case to them, so just call us back if it happens again, and be sure to mention this ticket number, because i will leave notes in the case saying, if they call back with this issue, pleaseeeeeeeee beg to escalate to the software or engineering or development or bla bla backend team because its a persistent issue. i dont even know what teams we have or who does what. i just know someone higher up, probably in those departments, needs to dig into the code because they are getting a runtime error. look in the logs. shit i dont know where the logs are thats above my paygrade. the god damn software engineers SHOULD KNOW. but shit we say that every day, so and so SHOULD know, but they dont. so where should they go? to their manager hahahaha.

manager doesnt know but they should know, so where do they go? to THEIR manager. hahahaha

it is devastating to get dumped. you love the person more than they love you. you want to stay, they want to go. this hurts you to your soul, baby please dont go hahahaha.

early termination fee baby. if they have it on phones, they should have it on rels. definitely. she is gonna be hurting you by dumping you anyway, so give some kind of offering. a god damn BUYOUT. heres a thousand bucks to sweeten the deal.

well i have lost way more than a thousand dollars by quitting muh job hahahaha.

how about: some Buyout Bangs, at least 30; long conversations, and a long letter from her explaining that she isnt throwing you away like garbage, and maybe characterizing herself as the bad guy for wanting to quit you. write me a fifty page letter. seriously. appreciate the god damn pain you will cause me and apologize profusely for it.

how did they do this in the 1700s. in the good old traditional days. well they didnt because men oppressed and owned women like slaves hahahaha.

ok i said before the pill was like opening pandoras box and showing womens true nature.

well actually i dont think being disgusting promiscuous is womens true nature at all. their true nature is tied to their uterus and therefore they need to respect the uterus and realize that women werent made to have recreational sex. so when they do, they become crazy and immoral and bad. no bueno.

so the pill has unleashed them FROM their natural responsibility and natural role as The Child Bearing Sex (gender hahaha). and that unleashing is bad. the pill is bad. dont get into a long term rel with a woman who uses the pill.

but what if she luvs you, and is loyal to you, and wont lose interest in you, and will be faihtful and loving and loyal to you long term.

well then convince her to stop taking the pill. train her and school her on real red pill troof bruv. nothing wrong with doing that!

THE pill is BLUE pill, take the RED pill hahahaha.

and that person didnt take the pill i dont think, which i liked, becuase i dont lke the pill, and i thought most women took the pill. turns their brains into animal slut brains.

its ok for RATS to breed like r-selected rats…..because theyre RATS!!!!!

what im saying is, humans are INHERENTLY K-selected because of the INTENSE pregnancy and child rearing process! its a HUGE investment for women to have even ONE child!!!!!

it would be different if women had Literally Litters of children, and put no effort into raising them. but even the worst, laziest human mother has to put in more time and effort than a Rat Mother!

im saying that a rat will have a litter of literally 20 babies, some will die, oh no big deal, and then in a few weeks or months, the babies become adults and are thrown to the wolves. and of course many of them die before reproducing but prob half of em live, and those that do live have 20, 40, 60, 100 babies.

that is r selection at its finest: quantity not quality.

anyway i dont like seeing human women moving in that direction. i mean they physically CANNOT. pregnancy will always last 9 months and be resource intensive; raising children will ALWAYS take YEARS and be very resource intensive.  so it NEVER makes sense to have sex quickly with a man you just met for recreation.

and i think that person understood a lot of this stuff…..they just didnt understand how i was feeling and how to treat me.

you can go to a legal brothel in curacao hahahahah which is a dutch territory like aruba. dutch eh i thought. i wonder if they have legal mj too. i dont think so.

why would they rather dump me rather than work on the rel.

because they dont WANT to work on the rel, they dont want to be with you, period.


its actually not so bad because we never dated, never fooked, i never REALLY thought she had special feelings for me. this guy i know, he was fooking the girl for 11 or 12 months, spending a lot of time with her, it would therefore SEEM that she had SOME KIND of feelings for him. and then to get THAT rug pulled out from under you. damn.

google dump them or work on the relationship

it takes men who were dumped about as long as the rel LASTED to fully get over it!

” here are definite things to avoid when ending a relationship. These include:
cutting person out of your life with no explanation
– getting someone else to end it on your behalf
– using the threat of a break up to control your partner
giving mixed messages (so saying the relationship is over while acting as though you have a future together)

Some people find deleting their ex’s contact details prevent the urge from getting back in touch. Unfriending an ex on Facebook can help and avoid post-break up drama. Although if you are trying for an amicable break up tell them you’re cutting contact on social media so it doesn’t seem like a hostile gesture.”


basically it seems people know. if they want to work on it, theyll work on it. and both of them have to want to work on it.: i wanted to work on it, she didnt. therefore we didnt work on. it is a total weakest link sort of situation. a rel is only as strong as its weakest link. FACT.

WHEN A WOMAN SEZ, “IM INTO CHILL HANGOUTS” it means she is a SLUT who LIKES casual recreational cock carousel revolving door slutsex. avoid if you are looking for a wife.

this one is bretty good, officially sanctioned by the counseling services of a univ where lots of virgin niceboys are being dumped by harridan whores hahahahaha

is tinder strictly for “CHILL HANGOUTS” and hookups, or is it for Actual Dating?

of course, when 99% of  Actual Dating involves sex within the first 3 dates, WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?????

MAKE HIM WAIT 6 MONTHS AT LEAST. 1 YEAR WOULD BE A LOT BETTER. unless you’re not long term material, ya easy short term slut!

welp its almost better we didnt actually date because then this would be worse, like with that guy i know. she was giving HIM real strong signals: fooking, dating, spending lots of time – and when she cuts ALL THAT off, he will be devastated, rightfully. when that person cut me off, there wasnt much to cut off. she was being a distant b and we were dating, or foking, or hanging out. yet i was still devastated, cuz i knew she once had some sort of positive “feelings” for me, and it was hard to lose that. well with this guy, shit he was getting solid signals of actual like liking feelings.

well he is more resilient than me so he will handle it. plus he is very social, much more social than me. and has a great job. and deserves a better woman as opposed to a damn flaky slut who doesnt know what she wants or what she feels. they dont know what they feel, just that they have no feelings for you. GREAT. hahahaha.

they dump you for being NEEDY because they cant see youre not beeing NEEDY, you just have different feelings for them. you have feelings for them, they dont have feelings to you. of course that might SEEM needy, but if she had the feelings too, she would be just as “NEEDY.”

emotionally intelligent people like myself, and NOT her, recognize and sympathize and empathize with this. we dont accuse someone of being needy. we recognize its just the special feelings they have. Crazy Little Special Feelings Thing Called Luv. god damn. this is not rocket science.

sometimes i want to contact her and say YOU JUST CANT DO THAT TO PEOPLE. THATS WRONG. you cant get away with doing that, and not even KNOWING that you did something wrong!

and she things i ABUSED her simply because i was ANNOYING!


well, i dont know that she thinks i ABUSED her. i certainly suspected and blamed myself of doing so.

NOPE i was just annoying to her. because she could not understand that my feelings for her were not inherently annoying. she chose to be annoyed by them.

but yeah its worse if you are dating and banging the gurl for a year and then she says nope no more. i dont even want to work on this. im done. this cant be fixed. im done. the end.  then you think, well what about that time i was so happy with you? you mean that was FAKE?????? thats devastating. and i had that to SOME extent. see this is why i dont like secs. it just makes things more complicated and worse and more devastating in the end. it makes you think you KNOW somebody, when YOU DONT KNOW THEM AT ALL.

dont have secs with somebody UNTIL you know them.

and even when you think you know them after 2 years just getting to know them…………you migth not know them.

ok time to go to the fatness.



yeah she had this woe is me, im a poor victim mentality which probably wasnt good. makes white knights want to swoop in and help her and she can reject them and blame them because shes the defensive victim hahaha. but she honestly had horrible things happen in her life so it was kinda justified. but i dont think she was Raeped or Molested suprisingly enough, and that might have been the final straw for me, becuase girls that had been raeped/molested are often SO batshit crazy, and promiscuous, and she didnt have that. her family was good to her, there was just some people dying in tragic ways that she had a hard time gettnig over. but maybe it was healthy grief and she was just honoring their memories.

well i can think of someone else where she could have honored their memory for the good years had. hahahaha.

the same broken record its always gonna be.

why’d she do this?

because she wanted to be done and this was the easy way out. easier than having The Final Talk.

how could she do this to someone who was once her special friend? because she didnt see me as her special friend anymore. that was over. so therefore i wasnt gonna get any respect or mercy or kindness.

so what if that phase is over. respect what once was. i know shes still the same person i was friends with, then feel in luv with, then she became a royal B. but was still the same person, but people change, but they can still get back to their Good Old Selves cant they?

in other words this is where the unanswered questions come in. like yeah she can decide im no longer her friend, but i think she should have still recognized What We Had, and shown consideration for that when Ending The Rel. that that would have persuaded her to NOT take the easy way out, that that would have made the easy way out seem blatantly WRONG, whcih i think it was!!!!!

so thats why i am always harping on her “showing the relationship the respect it deserves” etc. so why didnt she? becuase she didnt like me that way, she was annoyed with me, and she wanted the easy way out.

yeah it just hurts hahahaha. feel the feelings. i thought she would be convinced to NOT take the easy way out, because even though things were bad now, she would remember how good they were in the past. did those times ever matter? i think they did. but…when did she forget them? i will never know. maybe she didnt forget them, but Easy Way Out is a TEMPTING, POWERFUL thing.

in a way i did the same thing, by just quitting muh job. i just shut down and couldnt do it any more. also things would have gotten ugly as fook. i do not deal with the Rejector well afterwards hahahaha.

shit. anyway. i guess i am angry that she didnt find out Friendship special enough to treat me like a human being, that this wouldnt outweigh easy way out. never underestimate easy way out though.

well, is she the type of person more likely to Run Away, or to Face Conflict Head On?

to ask the question is to answer it hahahaha.

so it really is consistent with her personality in a way.

its very disappointing tho.

but i dont need to come up with elaborate rationalizations to be disappointed, because…..

its very valid and reasonable to be very disappointed when someone you LOVE DUMPS you! period! and then even moreso when they dump you in a Bad way compared to a good way! the end!

hehehe i should have been a Geography Major hahahaha when i am angry and emotional i just look at google maps and geek out for 15 minutes at least.

so how can we work Engineering into that. Always try to work Engineering into your College Major choice hahaha.

Relationship Psychology Engineering.

“neuropsychology engineering”, engineering psych drugs, biomedical, etc would be good choices for my interest.

as far as the maps? geospatial engineering? civil engineering? yeah thats prob in a nearby ballpark.

but i have never been super interested in science or tech or engineering!

i look at the map and think well whats the history of this country, how did it get this border, what ethnic groups live here, who has controlled this area, is this place a shithole, etc.

or you learn shit, like the “west bank” area of “palestine” is HUGE, its practically as big as the “regular” part of israel, and famous cities like bethlehem and jericho are in the “west bank.” and it goes right the fook up to jerusalem, which is divided into east and west, and a lot of the super historical stuff like western wall, mount of olives, calvary etc are in a more “palestinian” than “jewish” part of jerusalem? why isnt there more terror attacks in jerusalem against the zionist oppressors hahahaha. you would think jerusalem would be a constant war zone right now as we speak.

or weird islands in the middle of the ocean like the azores. how far are the azores from bermuda. what is the most civilized first world country closet to the equator, becuase i want to live somewhere warm but not in a third world shithole, or the damn cannibal rainforest, or the arabian desert, or the african desert hahahahaha.

or places where three countries come together. for example, poland, czech, and germany. i mean 3 countries have a “TRIPOINT” in MANY places throughout the world, not a big deal really, but i still enjoy some of them.

or did you know indonesia was a member of OPEC until 2008 or so.

or the island of Borneo has Malaysia, brunei, and indonesia on it. a section of malaysia that is quite separated from “mainland” malaysia.

or why does libya have oil but egypt doesnt. or why are there no big cities in the sinai peninsula. is it because its a total fooking desert? and its stupid to have a big city in the desert?

or where is macau in relation to hong kong. or where does the philipines and japan begin.

or india is shaped REALLY weird on its eastern side.

or kazakhstan is so ridiculously big and how does it not have oil or some sort of natural resources.

or that the bering strait is not that big and there is an american island right in the middle of it that is only like 20 miles from russia so technically the us and russia are “neighbors.”

so yeah i have a genuine interest and curiousity in maps, one of my most normalfag qualities. wish i had realized this earlier and used it to make a career when i was young. although i always liked loking at the globe and maps when i was a small child. but we didnt have google maps and also i was too lazy to spend much time with the bigass world atlas books in the liberry.

wow i am watching the bbc world news channel and it is leftist as fook, even moreso than msnbc, but it makes me feel smart and informed more than any american news channel hahahaha. real smug asshole. cuz it talks about world news and i am interested in the whole world. but not in a global way hahahaha. i am anti-global. i am A NATIONALIST. we should close our damn borders and manufacture our own shit hahaha.

ANYWAY, i dont need to EXPLAIN why i am VERY UPSET about being dumped. it doesnt NEED that many mental gymnastics.

but its just AMAZING how LONG it takes to STOP LOVING the person. even though you KNOW its done, you KNOW they arent coming back, you KNOW they dont Luv you, you KNOW its stupid and can never be fixed. you still luv them and want them back. you still think about them ALL THE TIME even though you havent SEEN them or talked to them in MONTHS. you still love them more than some Rando. even thoguh you are done with them and havent seen them in months.

shit if i am still hung up on them and i havent seen them (her), how they hell could i work wth her 8 hours a day.

hahaha i should read return of kings more. i went back here to read matt forneys explosive girls with tattoos article

and its just filled with good reads about how slutty and stupid Almost All Women Are hahahahaha

” Face it: the vast majority of girls are as hollow as a drum. The three or four surplus IQ points that college-educated girls have are wasted on them, because all they’re used for is rationalizing a life of mindless consumption and sluttiness. If the modern West is a cesspool, girls are its most devoted coprophages, gulping down runny diarrhea by the bucketload with forced smiles on their faces. ”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i think i just fell in luv with matt forney

(not forney hahaha)

so i was begging to be treated like a human being and when i didnt get it, i worried about how it was all my fault, blaming myself? COME ON. dont be RIDICULOUS. this is treating her like an INFANT. of course many women are emotional infants, but they dont HAVE to be. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

she could have chosen to be respectful to me.

oh it was because i didnt have good RELATIONSHIP GAME. because i started to show weakness and vulnerability. so, all my fault.

well fook you. i think a good woman will stand by her man when times are tough. i mean they DONT, but they should. because i am assuming women are LOYAL and TRUSTWORHTY like men are. but they jsut dont have it in them! they are MERCENARIES!

i figured out women will have babies with Bad Deadbeats even though the risk is so big, because Teenagers both men and women are horny as fook and that clouds their brain. an 18 year old girl or boy are both horny as hell and will fook deadbeats. and nature is priming humans to be horny as hell shortly after puberty, so they can REPRODUCE YOUNG. and when you are YOUNG, your hormones are RAGING and you cant think straight, especially for long term mates. you dont think straight  until age 25 but ideally by then the woman already has 5 kids!

so that sounds a bit r selected then?

bbbbut the woman needs a resource provider while she is pregnant all the time! so who does that? the husband? the husbands family? the wifes family? cuz theoretically the woman can fall back on her family to help if the father is a deadbeat. well this certainly is the case i think with many single mothers.

anyway i was just wondering how woman could be so easily fooled into having long term babies with short term men. because they are so damn horned up with the hormones of adolescence to understand the implications of being a woman and having babies. becuase essentially humans are optimized to start having children YOUNG, at like age 16 or 17. we have Old Brains that are not optimized to the modern world we live in.

so thats why women are so gullible and have babies with ANYONE. cuz Horny Hormones at age 17 make you do stupid things, unless you are damn physically restrained by your family.

so i tried thinking of the last time i was super annoyed by somebody, to try to image what my damn female ex friend was thinking. obviously an exercise in futility that hahahaha. most people that ANNOY me are just random strangers being obnoxious and stupid. not anyone who’s CLOSE to me like a friend.

the closest thing is a friend who annoys me in the sense that he consistently disappoints me with his stupid drinking. so i distance myself from him. but i always go hang out with him when he calls me. cuz i dont want to write him off entirely. i always give him another chance. then i visit him and he is drinking and its disappointing, annoying, frustrating. this guy is a Problem Drinker ok, not a social drinker drinking moderately. drinking will obviously Ruin His Life and everybody that cares abotu him wants him to stop drinking like an idiot.

also i am not in love with him hahahaha.

but he annoys me with this so i am distant from him. but i know deep down hes a good guy and that he could stop drinking if he wanted and we get along a lot better when he is not drinking.

i dont want to have a Serious Talk with him about his Drinking because it just wont help. but i am not giving him the Silent Treatment. when he calls me i answer and go hang out with him. just not as regularly as we once did. and i talk to him. and if he wanted to have a serious talk with me i would.

however i have tried to assert myself by saying “dont drink while I’m here. I cant control what you do when i’m not here, but just do me a god damn favor because i’m asking you, dont drink in front of ME.”

but he still finds other ways to annoy me and Push My Boundaries. like i have to blow into his damn car ignition lock because he was drinking before i came over. or buying booze to drink when i leave. come on.

but like i say. thats a different kind of relationship. i have know this guy for 15+ years, i am not in love with him, we have had our ups and downs.

well ok. what if he were begging me to please just hang out and communicate. i would say ok lets do that!

besides. ok so he is the symbol of me. but what he’s doing is a lot worse!!!! him throwing his damn life away on booze is a lot worse than me saying “please baby lets hang out and try to save our rel”.

so yeah in other words i SHOULDNT BE BLAMING MYSELF. AT ALL.

i wasnt perfect but guess what neither was she, she was WAY WORSE. 60 40. hahaha. more like 70 30. nobodys fooking perfect. and maybe women are terrible at loyalty , but i say bullshit. thats NO EXCUSE. i will not let women GET AWAY with that. well women are allowed to treat you like shit, just because women aren’t loyal. fook that shit. learn to be loyal bitch hahahaha.

bbbbut i deserved this, becuase in her mind, I had already betrayed and ended the friendship the moment i got feelings.

heh i addressed this point in an email to her which got no response.

it changes the relationship sure, but its not a BETRAYAL. you need to communicate about it. it doesnt make the person who got the feelings a bad person.

its amazing how much time and energy ive spent trying to convince myself that i didnt deserve this, that im not a horrible person.

well when someone you love treats you like a horrible person, you start to think youre a damn horrible person! but im not! what she did is a lot more horrible than anything i did! fook!

and i make EXCUSES FOR HER, and i make excuses as to why yes i AM a horrible person wholly to blame!

well i do that because i LOVE her and this is what LOVE makes you do. crazy, self-destructive shit. in a healthy rel, it becomes a somewhat more healthy sense of Being Willing To Make Sacrifices For The Person You Love. which can obviously be taken advantage of.

anyway yeah i am starting to think more logically, or at least i can see the logical continent ahead of me on the horizon as i gradually sail towards it. i know what the logical position is. namely, i didnt deserve this. i was wronged.

i need to beat this point into my thick skull. honestly its taken a very long time.

so i wasnt alpha enough and didnt play my relationship game well enough. she could have still been nicer, more gentle. when you DUMP someone, dump them gently. its just the right thing to do when you DUMP somebody.

bbbbbbut she never wanted to date , therefore she never ASKED to be in the position to DUMP me, therefore she doesnt have to be nice about it.

see how i refuse to take my own side? and always take hers?

that is again the love for her, and the lack of love for myself, and the Bad Boundaries. but love kind of muddies the boundaries anyway. i think that’s normal for love to do. kinda like how its NORMAL to put the p on a pedestal, thats kidna what luv IS.

but this is exactly why you confess the love EARLY, so the boundaries dont get too screwed up before you find out the other person doesnt love YOU.

so i would say its normal, right, and natural for LOVE to erode your boundaries, make you ptu the other person on a pedestal, make sacrifices for them, be loyal to them, etc etc.

this makes mutual luv VERY good, but it makes one sided luv VERY painful. but thats what makes luv powerful. makes it such a powerful connection. its not INHERENTLY bad. but it can often be bad if you, like me, get into stupid one sided unrequited luv situations. fook that shit.

thats why its better to blurt it out EARLY. it saves YOU a lot of pain. be selfish. love your self. spare yourself a LOT of pain!!!!




oy vey. had dream with the woman. how did it make me feel. unhappy. upset. i said “it doesnt matter” 10 times.

in the dream we were hanging out and she was being a total bitch, just not nice at all, just rude and shallow and horrible and mean and cold. she did not want to hang out just me and her and had to have one of her awful new friends with her. her new friends were awful slutty party gurls who i knew were being a Bad INfluence on her, and she was becoming more liek that.

i was being an asshole too, saying horrible things like how many guys you been with lately? and making all sorts of very sarcastic bitter remarks about how casual sex was such a great thing and i how she has as much casual sex as possible with as many guys as possible, etc, because its just sex and its fun.

and then she complained about a guy she was interested it was texting her but last time they were supposed to hang out he blew her off. oh did you have sex with him too? of course you just have secs with every guy friend, and you have a lot of guy friends! plus you are interested in him, so of course you did. lemme see some naked pictures of you. lets find those in your phone.

then she was like ok me and my friends are gonna hang out and party now, you can go now, see you later.

i was like uhhhhh and then as i was walking away i saw them all partying at their house and i was like see ya later, have fun being huge sluts, thanks for inviting me to your party, i dont like having fun anyway! and being very sarcastic. i of course wanted to continue to hang out so i could maybe get with her, esp if they were going to be drinking. i think in the dream i was drinking too!!!!!

so yeah the dream sucked, to see her turn into a huge slut, who was slutting it up with tons of guys, but i had no chance. not that a slut is a good gurlfran material, but when you realize a gurl is a slut, you think, welp i might as well have secs with her; but she likes having secz with tons of guys….but not you. you turn her off because you are a weak beta hahahaha. of course No Means No, but you are frustrated because she says YES to SO many other guys.

i was also angry abotu being kicked out early while they continued to Party.

this made me think of a time in july 2014 when my feelings were not well defined, were confused. i have stated this before as my Biggest Regret! she was super nice to me, we had a nice afternoon of going to dinner and the park and i thought maybe i should hold her hand or make out with her in the park, but i was still on the fence. she made a statement that i was a good friend. i said thank you you too. but she had just finished with her old boifran and i figured she would not date anyone for like 6 months at least, it would take her a long time to get over that. it would take me YEARS to get over THAT!

but i forget that not everybody is harshly dumped. in their case it was more they both agreed to end it because it wasnt going anywhere, and they both wanted out. see i have never experienced that. i always wanted IN, they always wanted out. a one sided termination, for a one sided luv hahahaha.

anyway i was thinking, well what do we do after the park. should we go back to her house and watch tv or something, because that will really be awkward, because i dont really want to make out, but what if she does.

so i made some excuse i was going to visit my male friend and play vidya games. i was confused and didnt know what i was doing. i think i said you can come along and meet my friend and play vidya games with us too. she said she would be nervous and i said dont be nervous bla bla bla. ultimately i never ended up doing anything hahahaha.

what if i had pushed instead to go to her house and watch tv. then we might have been able to cuddle or make out.

once my feelings became definitely in a few months after that, this was my exact plan. rather than bail out after dinner, then go back to her house and watch tv and try to cuddle. but by that time i was 100% she was Dating Somebody, and she never agreed to to hang out with me ever again hahahaha.

so…..lesson learned?

go with them back to their house and see if they WANT to cuddle or make out. maybe she wouldnt have even wanted to. at the VERY LEAST it would have started a CONVERSATION about how she felt about me, and how i felt about her. rather than me ducking out and avoiding the situation.

now there was never any EXPECTATION that i would go over there, and she never SAID “why dont you come back to my place”, well i think somebody said something like “what are you doing tonight” and i dont KNOW if that is a veiled, loaded statement which means “come back to my place and make out”. maybe if the WOMAN says it.

honestly i didnt know WHAT i wanted!  things were going well but this was the start of some tension.  i was running away from the chance to talk about that tension. then when I wanted to talk about the tension, she didnt want to.

well i wasnt sure she wanted to “Talk abotu the tension” but i didnt even give her the chance.

well theoretically we could have just talked about elsewhere, didnt HAVE to go to somebodys house.

i know that if i had hung out wiht her in october or beyond, i would have directly pushed to go to her house, and if she didnt want to, i would have had the big discussion In The Car!

but yeah, lesson learned, try to go back to the persons house even if you dont want to make out with them, because that will FACILITATE COMMUNICATION, and maybe they will tell you if they like you or if they dont, and you will have MORE INFORMATION.

like if they are all smiling at you like they want you to make out with them, you can be like listen, you are a veyr pretty gurl but im just not ready yet. but i think i could get there. lets keep talking about this. its been on my mind too. lets just take it really slow ok? well ok lets try making out for 1 minute and see how it feels hahahaha.

but its good that we are talking about this openly, lets continue to do that ok.

well she did not push me to come over though. but i dont think nonslutty gurls do this. it was up to me to say “nope im not doin nothin, maybe we could watch tv or something, smoke some MMJ” and she could say ok wanna come over and i would say yes.

but i wanted to AVOID that situation all together, beucase i guess at that time, i was really Weirded Out by the idea of Making Out with her. !!!!

anyway yeah like i say, this was my biggest regret regarding her or at least one of them. and this dream brought it right to the front of my mind.

lesson learned: ALWAYS go to their house EVEN IF you dont want to make out, because then you can work on your communication. have a talk like: do you like me? do i like you? maybe i could. just right now would be kinda weird. let me think abotu it a few more weeks, and lets keep talking about this, lets not push this under the rug, cuz this is important. oh youre dating somebody right now? oh i didnt know that. yeah that just sparked something in me. lets make out now hahahaha.

i was worried about Having To Reject Her if she Jumped on me hahahahah.

lesson learned: dont worry abotu that. let her jump on you. you might come to enjoy it. really the transition from Just Friends to I was in Luv with her took like 1 month. from mid september i whined “but the spark isnt there” then in mid october i was “ok i was wrong, the spark is now there!!!!”

so say gimme a month babe, just gimme one month to soul search and for us to keep talking about this. i am glad this topic has been broached. lets keep this line of communication open. i am thnakful for our friendship and you are a pretty gurl and i’ve thought about this and i thought it was weird that i didnt feel anything….well i didnt feel nothing. i am honestly on the fence right now. i honestly could go either way. i am confused. i will try to get unconfused as quickly as possible so as not to leave you hanging. cuz you are a nice person, and attractive, and its stupid that i am not in luv with you right now.

but i know from experience that i can convert from platonic to non platonic, but there is a transition. but the transition itself migth only take a month. sothats not that bad. give me a month. and we will continue to be in communicado all throughout.

thisis much different that how she responded to my requests for communication. i said i could give you time and space but i cant do this forever, please give me a timeline. 1 month? 2 months? 3 months? i would have told her 1 month, and also the door would be open for communication during that month! it wouldnt be 1month with no contanct, it would be 1 month for me to go thru the transition from platonic to nonplatonic! big difference!

ok did a 3.6er.

so. lesson learned, in something i should have done, for me to feel guilty about, another way i ruined the rel. well i cant look at it like that, a way of me ruining the rel would be me beating her an refusing to stop; or her begging me to talk about our rel and me angrily refusing to talk or go to a shrink hahahahaha;  but NOT me refusing to push to go to her damn house once!

in fact, the next time i hung out with her, i thought, well, maybe this time i WILL ask to go to her house. i said what you doin tonight? in a way that said i might be interested in hanging out moar. and then she said she had to do something errands. this was in august and she was certainly dating that guy; and one of the last times we really hung out.

you dont go from frineds to love feels overnight, it takes a few months or a month of soul searching. but i was more open to the idea in august than i was in july. i was WARMING up to it!

anyway, point is, if she really wanted to commuincate about it, she would have. period.

i really wanted to communicate about it, so bad, that i was pushing and pushing her. if she wanted to talk about it, if she were in luv with me, she would have pushed me. she didnt push me at all.

well true love doesnt PUSH. well maybe not but it DOES talk when the other person clearly wants to talk! you dont HAVE to push! or at least not very hard for very long!

so now iim thinking i ruined this, i was to blame, it was my fault, basically because i did not make out with her in july 2014, when i was not ready to do so!

well, more accurately, that i should have directly addressed the topic then: do you like me? do you want me to make out with you? and instead of asking that, i avoided it, and maybe if i had asked it, things would have been different, and she would have liked me. see how that is kind of ridiculous? within 3 months of that i knew i liked her, yet by then it was too late. if she came back to me within 3 months and said i like u i would definitely say oh yeah lets get it started in hurr.

also if she were being eaten up by unexpressed luv for me, that she was unable to commuincate to me…..i mean shit were STILL HANGING OUT. if i could have got her to hang out even ONCE when I wanted to commuincate, i wouldnt NEED to go back to her HOUSE, assuming she didnt WANT me to. i would have just waited until we were in the CAR, then i’d say LISTEN theres something i need to talk to you about.

she could have done that! assuming she liked me. and i dont think she did hahahaha.

i was thinking the city of cluj something in romania might be a good place to live. its a huge city of 700,000 people, yet nobody has ever heard of it outside of romania, and it is right in the “transylvanian” region, its the biggest city in “transylvania” which is pretty sweet hahahaha. and the romanians are a proud and strong people and will probably defend their country, culture, and people for the rest of my lifetime hahahaha. are the women huge degenerate whores? probably not as bad as they are in US hahahaha.

ukraine or poland or moldova or maybe even russia hahahaha or hungary would also be good.

was she really GOOD to me? well, she was really nice to me in the beginning. but near the end, ie after my feelings came on, no she was not really nice to me. she was not really doing anything special at all. the only benefit was the chemicalz in muh brain, the endoprhins and oxytocins. that was all me being in love with her, not her doing anything special for me.

my book says love is an action, love is doing, its more than words. well she was not giving any words or actions!!!! well she gave some nice words in the past, like inviting me to shit when she was still with her boifran. and i was like isnt that weird.

of course later i said waawawaawawaw i wish i had gone with you to that thing you had invited me to two summers ago hahahaha.

so yeah she was cold and awful near the end. if she really wanted she could have been nice and warm like she used to be, like i wanted her to be. but she clearly didnt really want to be!!!!

but yeah i still prefer being in luv than being luved. because whats the point if you dont have any feelings for them? then you have to be the bad guy, and rejecting them, etc.

took like 18-20 hours to recover from that god damn nyquil hahahaha. but the sleeping was pretty good! its possible the deep stupor sleep of the nyquil caused me to have that stupid dream about the woman!!!! well it perhaps makes you have moar dreams.

hehe i totally would have been down to see a Relationship Shrink, thats how desperate i was. besides i go to a shrink anyway on the reg. i just would have brought her in a couple times and the shrink would say you should cmmuincate moar hahahaha. no this is not a middle class shrink where you pay 500$ a session. this is a solid working class social worker shrink!!!!!

i mean if you already HAVE a shrink, why not bring in your Partner when you have Relship problems!

basically i wanted to fix things or at least FACE them, and she didn’t. the end. she would rather just walk away than FACE them. this happens ALL THE TIME.

basically, if she WANTED the relationship to continue, she would have done something.

also, even if i avoided Going Back To Her House in July 2014 Once, even though she did not speicifically invite me…..i STILL HUNG OUT WITH HER at SOME level.

this is entertaining the hypothesis that she might have liked me in the past, which causes me a lot of regret. but yeah evidence seems to point towards she didnt like me. so i dont even need to entertain those unentertaining hypotheses.

so your a mid twenties woman and you dont know how to dump a guy correctly, even though youve have 5 long term boifrans and 50 short term boifrans and dumped them all?

just type it in to google! how to dump a guy!

actually the first page of google results is NOT very helpful. there is stuff like “how to dump a guy in a mean way” and also long lists of warning signs and red flags and signs you should Dump Him Right Now!!!!!

basically the stuff I was saying.

  1. be definite that its over, no chance of getting back together.
  2. be respectful and listen to him, let him talk
  3. acknowledge it was an important relationship
  4. its not you its me.

how do women not know this? ive never dumped anyone and i know this, theyve dumped 100000000 guys and they still have no idea, still dump guys in the same horrible ways over and over again, after adding yet one more to their number hahahaha.

WebMD For Teens has some good advice that it would be nice if some so called ADULTS used hahahaha yeah im talking about mah woman.

do it in person and be aware their feelings will be hurt. but be firm.

so basically she was the perfect woman for me, but she didnt like me.

so that means if i find a crappy woman i dont respect, but she DOES like me, should i date her? i dont think so, because why should i date somebody i dont even like?

i guess i could use them as a Practice Gurl to gain confidence and experience though. hahahaha. but dont lead them on. i wouldnt even want to break the heart of a poor degenerate practice girl!

i dont want to break anybodys heart!

i would PREFER to be friends with the woman first, rather than feel Rushed into Sex, like so many women rush into sex and then decide they have no feelings for the man and dont want a rel with him. then you shouldnt be having secs with him, ya crazy whore!

like i told woman2, i like you but can we please take it a little slower???!?!?!! i havent had secs with anyone in a very long time! please!

but then thats a sign of unmasculinity, and you’ll never get to have S with them at ALL hahahaha. dumb dirty bitches.

well when you are just friends first, then you get a chance to really get to KNOW the person and VET them and make sure they pass all your tests (for exmaple, being nonpromiscuous, not rushing into secs with strange men!) BEFORE you develop feelings for them.

then they end up dumping you like you were a creepy stranger who never really knew them and paying no respect to the real friendship you once shared.

two to make it, one to break it!

there needs to be more shame on the person who Just Falls Out Of Luv hahahaha. so if a wife Falls out of luv with her husband after 10 years, and they have 3 kids, and she doesnt want to Work On It, because Working On It wouldnt Work, i just cant fall back in luv with him, and i want out! well that is fookin stupid and she should be shamed and shunned.

ANYWAY the difference between this an a real rel, is that the two of us NEVER agreed to be In A Rel. it was ALL one sided. well the friendship was two sided. the friendship was real. but it kinda HAS to end when i get moar feelings, and she doesnt. i GET that.

anyway dont be afraid to ask your female friends how they feel about you; how they feel abotu other guys; how long they have to know a guy before spreading the babbymaker. hopefully a veyr long time. but probably not, in this matriarchal r-selected ghetto hahahaha. quantity not quality.

well i think if you have been in a longterm rel, like over a year or so, and you Just Fall Out Of Love, then you OWE IT TO YOUR PARTNER, is your RESPONSIBILITY to them, to try to understand why this is happening, and to do something to fix it. are they boring as fook? maybe its YOU who are boring as fook, and by going something fun, you can inspire him to be more fun.

hahahahah i am just used to seeing women giving up and leaving at the first sign that everything is not perfect. like a damn deadbeat coward. never willing to take any damn RESPONSIBILITY or do any WORK, expecting everything to be EASY ALL THE TIME. fook you you CHILD.

i know this isnt always all the case. i know she herself was willing to work when SHE had feelings. i guess thats the way feelings, and working for a rel, goes. you are invested in it, you want to make it work, etc.

when you have feelings you are willing to work for it.

in order to be willing to work for it, you have to have feelings.

you wont be willing to work for it if you dont have feelings.

hehehe in some rare cases you might have feelings but not be willing to work on it??? then you are a fookng moron hahaha i cant help ya. idiot.

if you are in a rel you should communicate semi regularly about the state of your rel. like if someone wants to bail out like a quitter, because youre not fun or interesting any more hahahaha. youre not entertaining the little child enough hahahaha.

like a baby with a gun.

except its way easier to respect children, because they have the valid excuse of BEING CHILDREN, plus they dont actually slut it up like promiscuous whores, becuase they are prepubescent and innocent and dont even know what secs is!

basically you shouldnt be able to adult things like secs and secsual reltionshits, if you are not a damn adult! based on the way you act and treat people and communicate, all in shitty immature ways.

so i stopped being fun? thats a fallacy, i was full of fun things to do, but she never wanted to do them!!!!! she wouldnt even hang out with me!

but thats my fault because i am an unfun person trying to do fun things??? but cant get peopel to do fun things with me, because i myself am unfun? to women at least? fook you!!!!

i mean i might be. i was fun enough to be friends with, but NEVER fun enough to be lovers with?

well even though i never had a long term lover, i have no EVIDENCE that it was the lack of FUN that caused it. i mean the only 2 women i had even short term rels with were crazy.

i dont think they were BAD PEOPLE though.

anyway. yeah i will survive but i dont feel i will ever meet someone who is so compatible with me, who i like so much, and feel so close to.

but recognize that she never really DID anything for me, near the end. she didnt put a damn thing INTO the rel, like i did. all that was attaching me, was my own attachment to her, ie, my luv for her. NOT her luv for me, because she didnt have any!

where were the heartfelt emails and heartfelt christmas card messages for me?

so yeah i was doing all the work, cuz i was the only one with feelings!

i can’t fault her for not having feelings for me, i just wish she had told me earlier. and not sent damn mixed messages that we would talk some day. and i wish she had tried a nicer way of “breaking up”, even a text or an email, than NOTHING AT ALL. that is rough for anyone, especially sensitive old ME.

hint: when you have to remind your “friend” that “are you aware that its been 5 months since weve actually hung out?” that is a very bad sign.

this is really only POSSIBLE if you see each other in a nonhangout way, like working. otherwise you just wouldnt have SEEN them in 5 months and then it would make it easier for you to accept that its over, and for you to Disengage. Detach.

its just weird and hard to see someone every day you used to hang out with, used to be better friends with, and now you never hang out with them, and they are pulling away from you. and there is nothign you can do about it!

you can accept it, change it, or leave, sayz muh book. i would have Bent Over Backwards to change anything she wanted me to…..except stop bugging her apparently. well because i wanted to talk to her tho. i couldnt stop bugging her. also i couldnt change her in the sense that i couldnt MAKE her luv me!

and she couldnt change me from luving her, she sure couldnt accept it, so that left her with only leaving.

i could not accept that she did not want to talk to me. uhhh what did i try to change. not sure. i tried to back off her for a little while but i couldnt do that forever cuz…..i still wanted to talk. i guess i was trying to change THAT situation by trying to make her talk. i kept doing that until SHE left. hahahaha.

accept it, change it, or leave hahahahaha.



bitches hate guys who like to cuddle too much because its UNMASCULINE; also, bitches are so used to have secs with tons of guys, that secs means less to women than it does to the average beta or lesser man; and cuddling means EVEN LESS. simply, cuddling is BORING to women, she only gets thrills from SEX with a New Alpha.

cuddling is boring to women because cuddling is much more boring than sex, and sex is boring enough as it is to the average slut who has secs with every man she meets hahahahahaahhaah. sluts. dirty sluts. have fun marrying a gurl like that, i would rather be alone and celibate the rest of my lonely life hahahahaha.

what is the best way to dump a guy? talk to him in person, have some long talks with him, say its not you its me, im SORRY, its OVER. ive gone over this before!

so i want comeuppance? justice???!?!?!?! hahahaha. sort of i guess, but i know how unlikely i am to get it. i have done all i can legitimately do. anything else would REALLy make me a bad guy. and a really dont want that!

next time you have secs with a woman tell her how you lost a lot of respect for her because she gave it up too early, like a total slut.


sometimes i still get that same confusion in teh middle of the night or early morning, like i am going senile and brain just doesnt work any more, dont know which way is left or right or up or down, just totally confused and scared. not fun. does not build the confidence for jobs.

yeah you think you know somebody. and it takes a while. to really get to to know somebody is at LEAST a 1 year investment, prob closer to 2. and i thought i knew this person better than to totally HURT me like this. never expected it. but only a person you know really CAN hurt you this much.

she hurt me way more than i hurt her. what i did, being pushy and weird about wanting to hang out and obviously talk about “SOMETHING”, is more or a minor annoyance than something that deeply hurts and devastates you, like being totally abandoned (i think the word “ghosting” is girly and gay and unmasculine and stupid)

well she took it as a MAJOR annoyance that was worthy of me being totally abandoned.

i think. i dunno, maybe she is just scared and didnt know how to deal with it, so she ran away.

i wonder how many abandonings are rooted in that. basically it just means their INTENT isnt REALLY to ABANDON you………….but they abandon you anyway, and the pain is the same.

also i was just not expecting that at all. but in reality i was HANGING BY A THREAD ever since like january. the last time we really felt CLOSE was in like november. since then i was trying to “close the gap” but she kept pulling away.

yep at that time i should have blurted it out.

she does have the RIGHT to pull away and want to get out of the relationship. just be mature enough to realize that is gonna hurt the other person, and do your part to mitigate/minimize that hurt.



even if i was hanging by a thread, to be cut off so coldly was still unexpected given what we had. was a living nightmare.

and my offense, getting feelings, was that really so weird or unexpected? when a man and a woman are pretty good Friends for 2 years, don’t you think it seems KINDA IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY that one person COULD eventually get feelings? OF COURSE! OBVIOUSLY!

it will not be FUN if its one sided, but doesnt mean you still cant deal with it like mature teenagers hahahahaha. just agree that the feelings are not shared and End The Relationship AMICABLY. AMICABLY, not with extreme anger on both sides. and what is the main ingredient there?

never talking and abandoning, vs talking and communication of course hahahaha.

what did i do to deserve this?

nothing, i didn’t deserve this, i was treated unfairly, wawawaawawawawaawaw

she is lucky i am not a violent psycho because this kind of stuff would really set a violent psycho off!

hahahaha here i am a guy who has experience nothing of secs, and rels, telling people who regularly have secs and rels, what secs and rels should be like!

“SECS is a Special and Unique and Profound thing that combines the Emotional and the Physical in a very Profound way, and therefore is best experienced as part of a long term relationship, to make that long term relationship stronger and more profound hurrr durrrrr” well WHAT WOULD I KNOW?  maybe its just sweaty pigs acting like subhuman animals hahahahaa

MAYBE ITS BOTH. maybe everythings both. so we cant ever say what anything is or is supposed to be, there is no truth, there is no beauty.

maybe its both. maybe there is both truth and no truth. IT DEPENDS. SITUATIONAL.

see i had that situational and conditional bullshit. My Luve 4 Her was UNCONDITIONAL.

GODS luv for us is UNCONDITIONAL hahahaha.

ok i am being edgy. 4 the atheists, how about: a parents luv for their children is UNCONDITIONAL. (ideally.)

today i was researching this “metal journalist” i used to read right before i lost interest in metal, when i cared enough to still read certain writers with interest, and he was one of them, and his “webzine”

i liked his difficult style of writing and like that he was intelligent and uncompromising. now, 10+ years later, i think the writing is pretentious and he is super autistic, and i was more interested in what type of person he was, namely, could he hold down a job? attract a mate? was he a virgin? a super autist? a shut in r9k neet loser like us? why did his writing seem to come to a halt in 2004? was it partially just me falling off the face of the earth? it seemed he fell off the face of the earth the same time i did. so i wanted to find out what he was doing in that time.

looks like hes been writing much less, and being much more productive in creating his own music, rather than writing about music, so good for him. he also has a Degree from a Good School and works as a PRogrammer and is gainfully employed and has had at least 2 gurlfrans who he seemed to have long term rels with, probably had secs with hahahaha.

so in other words, the guys a huge successful normalfag despite his autism, despite his seemingly misanthropic writing on black metal and such. well good for him. but he still says some things in that interview above, from 2012, when he was receiving more attention for his music than his writing, i guess his music is pretty good, but in the interview he said, and the whole thing is worth reading!!! but heres the things that stuck with me today, and i tried to view it both in terms of MY life, and in terms of HIS life:

I was completely lost in this bizarre mindscape/dimension/lifestyle that was extremely claustrophobic. I was living in a really nice, totally yuppie apartment with my ex-girlfriend at the time…. . . ., I would walk around at night a lot…through the woods there, through the trees and sand pathways and right by the park we lived by, night after night, and I felt horribly alone, isolated, yet still controlled…and I was drinking a lot, of course, but that doesn’t have much to do with anything (I hope). We lived in this apartment that was great, perfect, it had everything one would ever need, it was supposed to be the summit of a certain lifestyle, I could feel that all around me. “You’re here, you achieved this, you should be proud, blah blah..” No. It was still all the same. I used to lie awake at night, in these modern apartments you can hear everything through the walls because they’re built so cheaply…and I would hear my downstairs neighbors beating their son/abusing him and him crying out for help (we called the police several times and eventually they moved out), I would hear the upstairs people fighting and dragging their furniture back and forth (honestly, it sounded like they were building coffins and moving them around all night long), I would hear their daughter crying and whimpering, there were the meth head neighbors who moved to that place from even farther out f00king everything up in their lives over and over, fighting and screaming, just listening to them claw and tear at each other, it was suffocating. One always…tells oneself that “this isn’t humanity, this is something else” but I often think that’s such a horribly fake-aristocratic method of willing/believing…no, these were just “normal” people, living their lives…but their lives were absolute shit, of course. They’re slaves, so…go to a job you hate, work for people you hate, feel confused all the time, have nothing in your life to satisfy you/offer you escape outside of drugs, find solace in another human’s body heat, really…I mean, even snakes like warm rocks. [emphasis added by UFMLL hahaha] You eat shit food, you have a shit relationship where you rut like demented pigs, you go to sleep in sweat-stained reeking sheets like animals, you spend a quarter of your time in jail where you’re further abused by sadists who think some imaginary “law” enables them to be sociopaths, what is left? Alcohol and sleep. Something harder if you can afford it. Suicide if you can summon the courage…or the courage of a suitable despair, enough courage to overcome one’s programmed narcissism!

so he turned his despair into i guess a pretty powerful and dark insane album, he’s written many albums bla bla and is a very creative person, always pushing himself forward and not getting stuck in a rut. also i dont think he feels confused by his confusing programmer job because he has/had time to walk around at night, drink, make music, have relationships, etc.

but yeah good for him, and i certainly share his views, and his despair, but unlike him, i cant seem to break out of it.

he has a healthy life in other words despite entertaining some very unhealthy thoughts and dark music. it is actual effective catharsis for him.

also i am jelly cuz he has a good job which doesnt confuse him and he has had rels with gurls and has had secs hahahaha so he can think straight enough to read a lot.

see last i remember of him was in 2004ish when his webzine was ACTIVE. i knew nothing of his life since then. i am glad he is actually doing the music rather than writing abotu music, its a big step up, writing about music is awful, but he was one of the music writers i liked before i got sick of it all and said there were more important things in life, like being able to cope with life, get a decent job, have rels and connections with people, friends, women.

so yeah he does not seem to be a super depressive person because he likes to DO a lot and is a Hard Worker and is not LAZY and has decent relationships and a decent job so i will never relate.

well maybe he has a shitty relationship like the normal people he talks about there!

but yeah i dont understand why people STAY in shitty relationships rather than the person who’s Not Into It, just Dump the other person. Bitches never had ANY problem with dumping me. there was no sense of fear or desperation or clinginess chaining them to ME!

because that’s why people stay in shitty relationships, out of FEAR. because they can’t say that being alone, or being with someone else, with any certainty, would be any BETTER or not.

well bitches never had that fear or uncertainty with ME! (“probably because youre the type of misogynist who calls women bitches”) they had NO HESITATION about being DONE with me ASAP!

am i really that bad of a guy? that horrible of a person? i have had some good friends in my life who didnt think i was a Bad Horrible Person!

no, its just with women really. i’ve never been able to do anything that MATTERS with WOMEN.

well, our 2 year friendship mattered, didnt it?

well yes it mattered to ME. i am talking about Mutual Mattering. To her, she just threw it away like a Jizz Filled Used Rubber that women drunkenly, hedonistically take in their Babymaking Gateway from random randos, not a big deal, just spoiled food you throw away and forget about instantly, no emotional attachment whatsoever.

It bothers me how QUICKLY some people GET OVER things, its like it NEVER MATTERED AT ALL. you dont get over something/someone important INSTANTLY. you go through MONTHS AND YEARS OF PAIN.

well, maybe healthy secure normalfags only go through a few WEEKS of pain. maybe she felt a few

also maybe i am Imagining the Friendship to be Better than it really was, because i eventually Fell In Luv with her; but under the Objective Criteria of Platonic Friendships, it was Merely Average and not Super Great.

also i think the writer/musician/programmer/normalfag’s habitual drinking DID have an effect on his mental state, despite his DENIAL.

anyway i dont diss him too much, he is a good guy, i wouldnt turn him away if i met him, we could have a good talk about black metal, and then i would beg him for a job and beg him for his sloppy seconds on sloppy sluts!

and he would say break free from this subservient slave mentality, live life on your own terms, not begging on your knees like a slave, and i would say yeah i just cant seem to do that. being a damn desperate begging slave is really the best i can do.

i think holding down a gainful employment and having a long term rel with a wimmin mellows your mind and makes you more peaceful (cynics might say DOCILE or sheeplike or Asleep or Enslaveable) but i say PEACEFUL hahahaha i just want some Inner Peace lol, and doing those things, having a Halfway Decent JOb and Wimmin for a Decent Amount of Time, like a year at least, does help you get over Adolescent Angst, and I never have, wawawawawawawawawaw

but yeah she deserves to have haunting nightmares hahaha. you mean i meant NOTHING to you EVER? I KNOW i did.

but yeah we discussed how people can just have their Feelings Die. you like someone, then you DONT like them anymore.

i guess that has happened to me, like with the women, but it never happened QUICKLY. It always took a LONG time for the feelings to die. like years, not months. and not while i was “with” them, but after they had dumped me, and then my love slowly turned to hate and anger, which then slowly turned into a dead husk hahahaha. so really there are TWO transitions there.

right now i am in the luv to hate transition. that is never fun. well at least the second transition is a lot better. also the actual hate stage is never fun either.

heh. wish i could turn it into satisfying cathartic music. i am tortured enough to be a tortured musician but i could never make the music. they just do it to bang bitches hahahaha

well my autistic black metal normie above said in his writing days, “love the music, hate the musician” or something like that. which is pretty much exactly how i feel. they are either degenerates or normies. there has to be a third way hahahaha.

also thats why now i focus on the people FIRST and THEN the music. like this musician roman sayenko who is in a million metal bands, i like him because he doesnt seem like a degenerate OR a normie. but he doesnt give interviews, so its hard to tell. i just respect what i perceive as his integrity, and what i perceive as his Politically INcorrect Views.

yeah thats right. i am so immature and childish and insecure that i luv anything “POLITICALLY INCORRECT” hahahaha and when donald trump talks about not being “politically correct” i go beat off and suck him off.



so yeah i like music but i hate musicians because i envy their creativity, and disapprove of their degeneracy, or their success with life or women. i have to find a musician person that i like, and that is not easy. and it is hard to envy creativity, but also like the output of that creativity. i mean there are plenty of mediocre musicians who make boring music! what sad lives they must lead hahahahaa.

i guess they would be more likely to be degenerate normalfags fooking like animals right.

hard to find a person to relate to, making music that i can relate to!

really the most fun music to listen to, the most immediately rewarding and comforting, is classical and jazz. i guess oldies too. all the above talk is basically about contemporary music. metal and alternative hahahahaha. i guess mozart was a degenerate but who cares. and most jazz musicians definitely. dirty cheaters and degenerates.

the woman who i luved who broke muh heart is becoming a degenerate and there is nothing i can do about it! and she wants to erase me from her life. like i never existed. so i should want to return the favor no? but i dont want to! i cant believe she ended it like that!


I agree that it had to end, but at least give me a Seat At The Table! at least let us end it mutually! lets meet and say yep this has got to end, its not you its me, its over, sorry for the pain, have a good life.

and if not meeting, at least do it over phone or internet! although any mature adult would agree that In Person is the best way.

just like in person is the best way to Express New Feelings, and that i was not in the wrong for wanting to meet in person. i was wrong for not blurting shit out when she refused to meet though.

or better yet, i could have given HER the cold shoulder when it was clear she wanted to push me away. like in january i could have just gave HER the ghost treatment. it probably wouldnt have drove her crazy. or maybe it would make her luv me, hahahahaha.

but i was too deep in luv to be able to do that.  i was too desperate to communicate, which is a form of spending time with someone. i mean it really is.

unless youre texting them and if youre LUCKY they can tear themselves away from their 90000000 friends and lovers to text you back. hahahahaha.

but yeah the time is def helping me get over it SOME. i might be up to 10% Over It by now!. 10% in about 6 weeks, so 100% in 60 weeks. a little over a year. NOT BAD!

i was at my job late last year, kinda felt as confident as i ever would, had a reputation as being smart and helpful and everyone liked me. especially the new people around me, because i would actually help them. and because at our job everybody gets confused all day, they need lots of help, and i was willing to do it, unlike my female former friend was willing to give to me. she would not give me help or moral support, and would not TAKE it when i was wanting to GIVE it to her! my help and moral support was not good enough for her!

but i NEEDED more help and moral support too. but i gave it out well to the people around me.

funny. female friend used to be the person there i got along with BEST because we were friends before we went there. she helped me get the job and we both started and the same time and supported each other then. but that faded over time. in the end she didnt support me at all, she didnt want any support from me, and i gave and got support, and got along with, EVERYBODY ELSE, better than with her.

I got along with her WORSE than i did with everybody else. that was a change. because i used to get along with her better.

so that was painful.

anyway, in november or december they started bringing in the new people and torturing them, much like i had been a year previous.

i had a young cute gurl training with me. she was VERY talkative and she took an immediate liking to me. she was also young and cute. but also almost too petite and skinny for me. she was tiny and frail. i like gurls with long tall legs and more meat on their bones. also by then i was in thrall to the female friend. this girl spending time with me didnt seem to make her jealous unfortuantely. certainly i would be a bit jealous if she were training a handsome young man! i dont think she trained anybody because she gives an air of coldness and unapproachability and none of the new people approached her to be trained. while i was MR FRIENDLY. I’ll train anybody! and indeed i kinda liked it, and was kinda GOOD at it.

anyway the gurl i was training was young and cute and in hindsight i should have banged her hahahahaha. no she was objectively cute enough to make the average gurl jealous. she was tiny and skinny, but not stumpy, just very petite and delicate, the kind of gurl you “tear in half” hahahahaha. some guys like that. it just didnt matter to me though.

also she was crazy and hyper and talked about how she had a nanny job with some richers but she had to leave because the husband was in love with her. also she had a boifran she lived with.

anyway she started working and funny enough sat real close to my former friend. at least one night i stayed late helping the new girl. i would ALWAYS stay late talking to people and helping people. i think this endeared me to the management, showed initiative and dedication, that i lived for the job. made a great impression. i always came in early and stayed late, at least 15 minutes on EACH, EVERY DAY.

many people come in right at their starting time. the female former friend is one of them. i viewed myself as a much better worker who did a much better job than she did. she gave shitty service and took the easy way out every time. i really tried to do some good and fix shit and help people. i came in early and stayed late eery day. she never ever did.

anyway point of the story is that new gurl left after like a week in a manner somewhat similar to my own, saying something about doctor bla bla bla, however i hope to be back some day.  however it was obvious she was overwhlemed by the OBVIOUSLY OVERWHELMING JOB.

anyway actual point is, i was talking like a cheerful normalfag doing small talk with my friendly neighbor workers who appreciated me and were friendly to me, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, who knew more about that new gurl’s personal life, and they said that the gurl and her boifran were big into Pain Pills or some kind of prescription pills, probably Pain Pills. they had Posh Middle Class families but were now getting Cut Off and had to Work For a Living.

the combination of the job sucking so bad as it truly does, and her being on/off pills, pushed her to quit, feeling like she was in over her head. i know that feel! i was pushed and felt in over my head when i had to deal with the fallout of muh dead long term relationship hehehehe and friend giving me the cold shoulder, while i struggled to do complicated shit Under Pressure.

so i said, thats sad, hopefully they get off the pills and or maybe find a less ridiculous job. so sad to see young kids in the prime of life on drugs like that, and i aint talkin abotu the wacky tabacky!

what was the point of that. well several

  1. i was so in luv with the woman that i didnt care about this pretty young gurl giving ME attention
  2. that pretty young gurl was also cray cray and i think i did realize that, so that was smart of me
  3. me spending time with this pretty young gurl did not make my female friend jealous so that means she REALLY wasnt into me
  4. the job was SUPER overwhelming and if you had any kind of anxiety issues you would be super overwhelmed and have to quit, like her mind being addled by drugs, or my mind being addled by the former friend being there and denying my human existence hahahahaha
  5. dont do drugs.



yeah definitely the tea is a lot better on muh stomach than the coffee.

what if she came back to me 2 years from now and had a bastard kid in tow where the father did not pay child support at all? and she looked older and more haggard?

well maybe i would make her my fook buddy but i probably couldnt respect her enough to fall in luv with her.

OR would i rekindle the old feelings. probably hahahahaha. i can ALWAYS rekindle old feelings. i never had a woman come back like that! well woman2 came back after like a few MONTHS to apologize to me, which i appreciated a lot! but nothing like they came BACK 2 years later and wanted to fook!

i saw woman2012 like 6 months later and talked to her for a few minutes, kept it together, but i was NOT happy about it, and also she was NOT changing her mind! i have never experienced a woman changing their mind about that, like yes yes yes yes i was wrong i really want to date you now! oh i wanted them to! i fantasized abotu it! but it never happened.

course i never thought i could fall in love after a long time, with a platonic friend!

course i thought i would never luv a slut again!

when is a lesson not a lesson?

i think its a lesson to not luv sluts. it’s NOT ANOTHER lesson to go back after that and “learn how to luv sluts again”. not an actual lesson. because luving sluts will burn you EVERY TIME.

theres no actual scientific advice on how do you get over someone. i dont want bullshit fake advice from Female Journalists who are mostly crazy super high mileage sociopathic sluts. they are either eating men or getting eaten by men. very adversarial relationships. incapable of a healthy rel. and youre gonna take advice from THEM. NO.

i want the type of scientific advice given by a damn MEDICAL DOCTOR. not some psychologist who believes nothing is right or wrong. but somebody who believes in TRUTH. not somebody who believes truth is always relative and is an Oppressive Myth.

TRUTH IS AN OPPRESSIVE MYTH, these people say, who break hearts and throw people away like garbage. hmmmm. they are monstrous. dont listen to them.

is that an ad hominem fallacy? dont believe what they say because they are horrible people? because horrible people cant make even one valid argument?


there is this tv show “the carbonaro effect” where a charming young magician does ridiculous magic tricks to prank random people. the real Teaching Moment comes in the RIDICULOUS LINE OF BULLSHIT that he is constantly spewing. i may have mentioned this before, but his Art Of Bullshit is top notch. he can fool grizzled cynics with his bullshit. and he could most certainly get Nonsluts into Bed. notice some PUA types also encourage doing Magic Tricks to impress bitches. because they are very susceptible to Clever Tricks.

Well, My six month rule is IMPREGNABLE to Clever Tricks, because it takes no cleverness whatsoever to know whether youve known a guy for 6 months! even THE DUMBEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD is able to EASILY figure out whether its been six months or not.

(my ideal woman would wait 1 year. 6 months represents a disappointing concession for me.)

but i recommend watching him because his bullshit is AMAZING. and any man could benefit from that.

not just in banging sluts, but in handling all sorts of social situations. he’s never banging sluts. he might even be GAY. he talks to men 50% of the time and they fall for his bullshit too! but if he were straight i am sure he gets his FILL of tail.

heh. i wish i had ANOTHER female friend to talk to about stupid women bullshit.

well in 2005 when i had all this drama with women, i had female friends i could talk to. it sounds shitty to say they didnt help at all. they helped a little! but im not certain they helped a LOT though. they did the best they could though. i aint hatin.

you think a Career Education Center opening in The Urban Ghetto is gonna make a difference? i just dont have that IDEALISM. I guess if they help even ONE PERSON turn their life around, then it’s made a difference right?

well i would like to see them help MORE than ONE person. cuz it takes like at least 200 grand a year to run a place like that. lemme see their budget. lot of OVERHEAD in an operation like that.

I will meet with you one on one for 8 bucks an hour! or 50 bucks an 8 hour day hahahaha

did i write about the Life Coaches that Elliott Rodger had near the end of his life? they were young attractive people employed by like counseling agencies or shrinks, to go out with Rodger and help him socialize, talk to him, boost up his Social Confidence, etc.

i thought that would be a SWEET job for me to have, then i wondered if you had to have a masters degree to do it. it sounded like the people he worked with were College Age, ie, pre-bachelors. but maybe you have to be a social normalfag in order to do such a job.

well i would address that elephant right away: you might prefer to hire normalfags, but i say its just as valuable to have someone whos BEEN there. actually knows the pain these loveless virgins are feeling.

look up life coach on indeed. see a “life skills specialist II” that just needs a bachelors degree.

i am looking for job titles and quals basically.

life skills coach, peer recovery coach, recovery coach, success coach, health coach, transformation coach, wellness coach, nutrition coach, group home worker, development coach, job coach.

part time life skills coach, 16 hours a week, 10.50 DAH. yep hahahahaha and only 30 miles away! well, 28.

anyway i believe that its not a matter of educating people so they know how to interview to get jobs……..its the SUPPLY of jobs in the first place. the better solution is NOT educating people, but CREATING JOBS.

i think the only types of jobs where there is a SURPLUS of JOBS, is like SUPER technical STEM shit, where you need like a STEM Masters degree at LEAST. like a masters of mechanical engineering, not a masters of biology. protip: biology is not STEM.

but i wouldnt judge you if you thought it was! when i first learned that biology was not STEM, i was SHOCKED!

i mean TECHNICALLY it is, but in terms of jobs, its not.

hiring a coach to mentor and coach less senior team members. see my company would do that only hire people who KNEW LESS than the less senior team members, to coach them.

hire a TEACHER to teach students, who knows LESS than the students. this is what people get ACTUAL, REAL jobs for.


good god almighty, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

i will never understand why companies will hire Outside people for Senior Positions rather than promoting from within. that is IMHO an ADMISSION OF GUILT. that is admitting “YES I ADMIT OUR COMPANY (CULTURE) IS SHIT.”

yep it took me over 30 years to recognize that my anxiety is a pretty big deal, i used to think Depression was my main problem, but Anxiety is up there, way up there, its either 50 50 or 55 45.

which means that when you are not anxious, you are hopeless and have no confidence.

i think of my “relative high”, like say july 2014, before i fell in luv with female former friend, was doing my job. i wasn’t SUPER confident or charming or fun or awesome. i was still anxious abotu my job every day. i still had very low confidence. things still kinda sucked and i had no energy. now they just suck a lot more!

welp second walkjog, got up to 6 miles today. not bad. actually about 6.1 or 6.2 hahahaha.

ok heres the questions you need to learn, that I need to learn.

  1. whats the deal with your secret boyfriend? (do you have a boyfriend)
  2. how do you feel about me?
  3. i dont have feelings for you right now, but given our situation, i could probably have feelings for you in a few months. lets have this discussion every three months. or i will let you know as soon as i get feelings. and you let me know as soon as you get feelings.
  4. can we talk soon, i would prefer to hang out and talk one on one in person, but i have to talk about something important soon with you, and will do it on phone or email if we cannot me. WE NEED TO TALK. SOON. ITS IMPORDENT.


ok start with hookers, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker sluts, then LEVEL UP to nonhooker nonsluts. decent women.

normal men just start off with nonhooker sluts when they are teenagers. they dont ever really NEED hookers until they are 40 years old and want to cheat on their fat hambeast wives with some fast young tail and are more than happy to pay for the convenience.

>tfw approaching 40 and no fat hambeast wife to cheat on hahahahaha

heh. it is funny that something can mean SO MUCH TO YOU, and that same moment means nothing to the person “sharing” it with you. SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR.

good old one sided luv. when gurls have one sided luv for a guy tho at least the guy gets some SECS out of it and it lasts longer, than when the guy has one sided luv for a gurl. then theres not even any making out.

hehe. all the damn advice columns say, welp, if doing this doesnt help, then go see a shrink. so what do the shrinks do then? nothing mysterious. they have you TALK about it and they try to have to do more or less the same things the article says, and have you try to retrain your thinking.

shit i have been seeing a shrink since…..2008 and i cant say its helped a LOT. it doesnt HURT though.

really the main things that would help me is a just a tolerable 15DAHJ and a 1 year monog rel with a decent woman. especially the latter!

always the sense that i COULD HAVE made this work, if i hadnt screwed one thing up. so where was the one pivotal thing that i screwed up?

its hard to get out of that. and to accept that theres NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE to make it work because she didnt HAVE the feelings. or if she did, she didnt have them any MORE.

its just july2014 that will haunt me, which was Peak Niceness from her to me, where i really got a signal from her. but i wasnt sure if it was like liking, or just friendliness. she always was really friendly to me. until i started liking her, then she pulled away from me like the plague.

are rels supposed to be be god damn pulling teeth every step of the way? i thought they were supposed to start somewhat naturally and easily. like our friendship did. then when we ran into problems i wanted to fight to fix it, she would rather walk away. damn son. i said lets communicate with each other about this, lets not be angry at each other, she said nothing and walked away. damn. the last woman i will ever luv hahahahaha.

and that is how i became one of those lonely 45 year old bachelors.

now that i think of it, before i met gurls and started falling in luv with them, i knew NO gurls and just felt alone and lonely.

part of this is due to not having a real connection with male friends. so i could strengthen those.

but yeah. women never have trouble finding a man. men very often have trouble finding women. then your married friends say O I KNOW THIS GREAT GURL 4 U and set you up on a blind date with a 40 year old single mom hambeast whos also cray cray, degenerate, and just godawful in every way. and you think, THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME?????!?!?!?!?!?! im super dupe desperate but not even the worlds most desperate man could ever be THIS desperate!!!!!!!