for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.


ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.



oct 2 2014

ok gotta cut the lawn soon. have been pretty productive on my day off here.

make a mix cd at the end of every year, that includes the most imporant songs of the year for you. will probably include mostly songs from mix cds you have already made that year. that’s ok, that’s to be expected, thats normal.

also, end of every year, write that chapter of your autobiography and then add it to your autobiography book file. don’t take too long doing it, should not take more than 1 or 2 hours, you can always fill in the smaller details later. just need the biggest things of the year.

i like pants that come up higher on the waist. look for pants that say “classic fit” or “sits highest on the waist” rather than “sits lower on the waist.” of course, I also like roomy thighs and buttocks as well. i should start my own line of classic men’s slacks. pantz. trousers. i would have jeans, khakis, dress pants, work pants, casual pantz.

allright. gotta do the chores. did not even try to do a powerwalk today. heh. and i am not even CLOSE to being a grown up winner. being a manchild loser is hard enough work! and the wimmin! My god. I am the world’s worst when it comes to wimmin. i figure i got enough good karma built up, that maybe when i am 50 or something, i will find a Perfect 18 YO Waifu I can be in love with for the rest of my life, and have at least 3 kidz with.  I’VE EARNED IT, hahahahahaha. how many times can you Lose At Luv? apparently at least 9 times in a row, hahahahahaha.

is the american spectator magazine true conservative or is it false conservative like national review.

i think Chronicles is probably a trustworthy true conservative publication.

taki’s mag is pretty good but i want a print magazine too!

still debating whether my female friend will become Woman 9 or not. Girl9. Woman9. The Ninth. Maybe, maybe not. I mean I am feeling deeper feels for her than I had felt before.

how to deal with successful people at the wedding. one guy got an engineering degree at a….slightly better than third-tier toilet state school, ie a great college for average normalfags desiring to enter the upper working class and maybe middle class, and he has definitely entered the middle class thru his performance after college. Gainfully employed in engineering jobs immediately after graduation, then went to get an MBA at same school a few years later, said it was real easy, and he got a huge promotion / pay raise because of it, and it making tons of money, and is a healthy, happy, married normalfag with a nice house and a nice car, and just a nice easygoing friendly guy, gets along with people, but is not like a supergenius or anything, no smarter than any of us. so….did he work harder? sh1tloads harder? well, he said his masters degree MBA was easy. that was probably easier than the bachelors of engineering, i think that was mechanical. great degree choice, for sure.


wedding done. day off. slept all day. took 30 minute powerwalk. starting looking at facebook for wedding pictures. facebook was running real slow. found the profile of the 21 year old gril i saw there who was the most attractive female i have seen in recent memory, soooo attractive, i would do horrible things to her buttocks, however i would also treat her basically respectfully and kindly until she directly proved herself to me as a cvmdumpster who likes to be treated like garbage. which, let’s assume, she is not. but there was a really scumbag looking guy hanging around her. but maybe he was just being pushy and she doesn’t like those kind of guys. i will have to get my friend and his wife to set me up on a date with this beautiful 21 year old gril. i would totally take her out to a fancy dinner etc. but also not be a beta, and be masculine.

wedding went well, everyone was great people, met some great new people, that was great. thankful. got dressed up in a nice rented suit and fancy shiny shoes, vest, super fancy everything, like a boss, appeared in many pictures looking fat, old, short, bald, and tired, hehehehe. i used to look real young but now i look real old. i used to look younger than my actual age, now i look older than my actual age. it was all after i stopped drinking, it all caught up to me and then some.

but yeah. was thankful to meet at least 2 new men who were very friendly and friendworthy, unfortunately they live out of town. also reconnected with an old friend who was very happy to see me, so he had deeper feelings for me than i thought he did, and i was touched by that, well he was always a good guy anyway, i got his phone number and gave him my phone number and email and told him and his wife that i would be delighted to come over and visit them and their young kidz. and i wasn’t lying. this is a great guy, and I agree with him 100000% that we live in a “Scumbag World” and that the Good Guys need to find each other and stick together.

but gotta go back to work tomorrow. go to bed very soon. well i will ask my friend about that gurl at the wedding, try to take her out on a fancy date, ask masculine, and if she doesn’t like super old guys, oh well, at least i tried.  i would be slightly edgy and not a beta pushover, but i also would not be an abusive brute. but i would definitely try to bang her as quickly as possible, because i guarantee she has Given It Up to guys after a Low Number Of Dates.  And I would not make the mistake of Falling in Love with her. But she would definitely go far in helping me Sow My Wild Oats. Damn.


june 13

serious, honest question. have you ever been the dumper and not the dumpee? easy, unambiguous yes or no.

i certainly have not!!!

heh. now i am thinking about my old friend who i took the trip with who Dated Girl8 which I just found out. he is an interesting case because he is both a very nice sweet sensitive emotional guy, but he is VERY popular with the ladies, he is an alpha male in terms of his pick with the ladies, he has Dated plenty of Gurls, and I believe he has Dumped his fair share of gurls because they weren’t working out for him, another sure sign of a True Alpha Male:

Do You CHOOSE the Gurls you date? Do you DUMP gurls who aren’t working out?

or are you resigned to let them choose you, and then do you get dumped by them, because you have no options, no choice, no agency, nothing but desperation for just being with a gurl?

in fact, I am pretty sure he Dumped gurl8 and caused her a bit of Emotional Hurt, imagine that. the gurl I was/am in luv with and want to get married to and have children with!

so it doesn’t hurt my opinion of this great guy, but I do remain a teensy bit jealous of His Exciting, Fun, Happy Life. also, when he faces problems as we all inevitably do, he faces them with courage and optimism and a good attitude. that is very admirable. I encouraged him to become a salesman and make 200k a year, or to become a Touring Life Coach Motivator like Tony Robbins.

anyway i don’t really want to ever have to dump a grill, because I know all too well how much it hurts to get dumped because you like them more than they like you……… but I would hope that if I were ever in that situation where it would really be in my best interest to dump a grill, that I would have the BALLS to do it. of course, getting sucked into that situation of being WITH the gurl in the first place, out of desperation and loneliness, just because she pursued YOU, that’s pretty gutless as well.

ok ok just in the interests of clarification and standardization:

Girl8 is a thing, I liked her more than other grills around the time she became girl8, such as:

NotQuiteGirl9A: uh we’ll say this is this blond straight haired nerdy girl I didn’t dislike but didn’t really go hnnnng for but had a few dreams about but still not as good as girl8

notquitegirl9b: here’s a bit of a change from what i’ve said before. this will be this super skinny gurl with beautiful curly/wavy blond hair. she was super nice and real cute and i saw her in the supermarket parking lot in december 2013 and mentioned it in a post. cuter and hnnnger than nqg9a. squeaky voice and vaguely reminds me of Girl3.

NotQuiteGirl9C: ok this is my female friend who I get along very well with and people might think we have a thing but we don’t. i really hope she is not secretly in luv with me, and it is also frustrating that I don’t go hnnnnggg for her because we get along so well and she would be a great mother of muh children. but i am not in crazy luv with her, and forcing myself to have S with her would be gross and weird. but she’s not even Ugly!!!! so, pretty weird and frustrating.

NotQuiteGirl9D: Gurl I wanted to bang the most at my New Job. blond hair, kinda tomboyish, glasses, Great little Body. i think she got a new job so even if i go back i will never see her again. but i would totes be interested in taking her out on 3 dates in a bid to get sechs from her hot bod and maybe see if we get along.

heh. when my old frand put up some pics on fb of the event we went too, i saw one of the “likes” on the photo was the notorious Girl2, from 10 years ago, the gurl i came closest to having a “normal” “rel” with, in that I liked/luved her intensely, and we were able to Consummate that. a little. but not nearly enough. not NEARLY enough. and it took a very long time to get over her. years. anyway she got married like 5 years ago and took her husbands name, but when i saw her name today, she had changed it back to her unmarried name. which makes me think maybe she got divorced. who knows.

so i’d still luv to bang her 100 times. maybe even if she has kids. prob doesn’t though. might. she went to Top Graduate Skool in a Very Womanly Field and thus is prob one of the few to make a decent living in the field.

heh. maybe i can marry her now, hahahaha. i mean f00k we only sorta “went out” for like 3 weeks. but during the height of those 3 weeks i felt like quite a normalfag boss. banging a young prime of youth qt. but not nearly enough.

anyway she dumped me of course hehehehe. becaues i was jealous and immature and didn’t want her banging other guys, hahaha. no only somewhat true, i was just not man enough and too much of a spineless cowardly beta not taking decisive action.

of course if girl8 got in touch with me, i would rather get with her than girl2 again, hehehe.

or i could just bang notquitegirl9d’s great t1t5 and 4ss.



june 2

its amazing. here i am going on this fun advneture and i am still thinking about that dream i had about girl7 early this morning. that’s the way it always is with these dam dreams, they linger all day.

dam. all dam day. i mean i want her to call me up or email me right now and say “i made a big mistake, plz come back to me, I would luv to hang out and make out and sit on your face and have true luvsechs for 9000 hours straight while i rub every inch of my nekkid boddy all over u forever and ever.” and i would say HELL YEAH FINALLY. all is right with the world.

ONEITIS in other words!!!!! pedestal!!!!!!

so hopefully that will go away tomorrow.

took pwalk, it was nice and warm. but a bit humid and i got really sweaty hehehe.

but yeah when u are in luv with a gurl you will do insane fetish stuff you wouldn’t want to do with other girls. so the luv actually kicks the sechsy aspect up a notch.

of course, to be in luv with somebody, you kinda DO have to be sechsy attracted to them.

Which is the problem I had with NotQuiteGirl9b. Heh. Luv that nomenclature dawg. great wonderful person, good mother of muh children type, but i have no desire to do anything physical with her. contrast with g7 where I would do unspeakably disgusting things with her, or even just with an avg young qt where i would gladly bang them (but wouldn’t lose my mind doing weird stuff with g7. probably.)

ANYWAY. just try to be normal and fun and funny and not weird with these winner normalfags. one of them could get me the job that saves my life later. if the discussion gets personal, just f00king LIE if i have to. it really shouldn’t be that bad. plus at least the one guy I even TRUST and don’t have to TRY so hard!!!!

might get a chance to bnag a gril. I said as long as she’s 6 or above. Or, even, 5.1 or above. just can’t be 5.0 or below.

what if she is 5.09? is the question begged.

well, depends on her age. the younger the better. of course, youth gets factored into her score anyway.

umm if i can score some xanax and she has a nice 4ss then the 5.09 might be a go. but not a 5.08.

of course i will not drink, i might well never drink again. but I WILL have some benzos if available, or take one HALF a puff off w33d. one full pvff is way too much for the likes of me.

and don’t argue with the leftists. heck AGREE with the leftists so they don’t try to get in an argument.

june 11 2014

welp i finally got back from muh little adventure vacation. the good news is there is no bad news and things were really fun and chill and i am very thankful. reconnected with at least one guy, the great guy i was talking about, and he is even greater than i remember, turning into a real role model.

the thing which i have to mention is we were talking about old people and he mentioned he had dated a gurl who was….. girl8 i have mentioned, and i was totes blown away, i didn’t know about that, and i told him i was kinda in luv with her and she was the one who got away for me and how i would love to marry and have babies with her even now and that i was kinda jealous that he got the chance to hang out, cuddle, make out, and bang that 4ss, because with her i actually liked her and would enjoy it on an emotioanl and not just physical level.

so i am not butthurt about it, i just thought it was a real funny coincidence, and of course a little jealous of all the things he got to do with her that i can only dream of, and i jokingly confessed as much, and nice guy that he is, he encouraged me to Get On It and that nothing is holding me back from Dating a Gurl like her, or even her herself. he is really nice like that, tries to hype up and boost the confidence of his frands.

so yeah that was just funny, but now i am of course thinking about using him to get into contact with her.

at this point, sloppy seconds or “eskimo brothers” is not a big concern for me, since i was already in luv with her.

funny thing is, he might have broken her poor widdle heart, which is not really that cool, but that doesn’t affect my Rel with Him, he is still a capital guy in my book, and I would like to make a thing of seeing him regularly now that we have very nicely rekindled things.

he has extremely good social skills and i was pushing him to ask people ridiciulous things just so i could study and take note and learn how to Communicate with people Confidently, because he has that skill in spades. I am tempted to say he is a full blown alpha male who could have any woman he wanted.

so i watched his Social Style with great interest, and how could I emulate that. and of course i will share with You.

getting things done, making tricky Phone Calls with ease, just generally being a Huge Social BOSS. I learned quite a bit just being around him, and of course would like to be more like him.

and he was not condescending to me, or a douchebag or d1ck to me, we picked up just like no time had passed, and he was very nice to me and laughing at all of my ridiciulous jokes, we were cracking each other up, it was really very good, and the gurl8 thing is really minor, i just have to mention it because girl8 is……not a significant, but def a NOTABLE part of my “luv life”, as i have dreams about her, would want to Date her, and is one of the last Wimmin I ever had Feelingz for.


may 31

darn. well four months ahead is more than enough, and also i will be taking a little adventure here and will be blogging 99% less during that time and actually doing something interesting.

i officially recommend fitocracy as a way to keep track of your physical exercise and keep you on track. it can be for the littlest things, for example, i use it for my powerwalking, which is the only real “exercise” i do.

but i try to do it 5 to 6.4 miles most days.

if you get chafing, dry, irritated skin in your Crotch and Pooper Area, try dabbing a bit of Vaseline in there using a kleenex or TP. i hope this is safe. anyway the dryness prob comes from Wiping too Vigorously, which itself is not good for the skin.

i figure the best way to do it is a bidet. i heard in some middle eastern cultures they use a cup of water. i tried that and failed to see the best way to do it. a gentle, blasting stream like a bidet would work nicely but talk about first world privilege!

or maybe use a mix of Wet Wipes and then Super Soft TP. I dunno. I dunno how to wipe my 4ss and I’m over 30 years old hehehehehehehe.

june 1

yeah buddy. had an interesting dream where i was hanging out with 18 year old hookers. but they did not act or look like hookers. they looked and acted like beautiful 18 year old normal gurls. giving me the full blown gurlfran experience of being nice and flirty with me before moving on to The Physical Stuff. if hookers like this really existed, they would cost like 9000 a night. so, infeasible.

unfeasible? imfeasible? implausible?

i wasn’t even thinking about how this was just a job for them, how they did this with diff guys eery night, because they were so convincing and fun!

ok leave for adventure tom afternoon. got to get all muh ducks in a row. ideally would buy a “new” blue or gray suit jacket at the thrift store for….under 20d. really should get a new tie as well. got to get a haircut. ummm. fold all the stuff and squeeze it into one bag. mentally prepare what to wear each day. grab some cash and thank the LORD i have it.

next time you have to talk to yer docker and pay like $100 out of pocket for a 5 minute office visit and 90 minute wait in the waiting room and risking getting fired for taking a day off work to do so, ask him for the BIG GUNS like tricyclics and benzos. BIG GUNS. no more f’ing aroung. want to see some RETURN on this investment! because one day you might lose your job and not be able to see the docker. and what if you had something SERIOUS like cancer, instead of something insultingly trifling like laziness and stress. f0000k.

got to make some extra cigarets just in case. like 2 packsworth. hit the road with 40 or 50 cigarets.

got most of packing done, rolled enough cigarets for whole time. used the “rolling” method of packing which i just learned today with an internet search. this is where you roll t-shirts, underwear, socks, pants, and really anything you want into a tight ball/roll and stuff it in the duffel bag, making layers. rather than folding everything like laundry and stacking it neatly in the bag. dress shirts you would still fold like normal. it was pretty neat but not sure if it really fits moar. this bag is packed tight however.

while packing i cleaned out a decent amount of garbage from muh room, in the spirit of the “spring cleaning” very first post of this blog. i have been meaning to do spring cleaning ever since spring started but did not get the motivation to do anythign until today.

i have a TON of papers. i would say if you have a TON of papers like me, try to organize them into manila folders according to theme. when you get a decent stack of papers in one folder, stick that folder in a Metal File Cabinet, CLEARLY MARKED WITH A LITTLE TAB sticking up that says what they are, and roughly what dates they represent.

Then you can organize all folders according to….probably alphabetically according to subject: X Bank, Y Bank, Z Credit Card, Calculus Class, DiffEq Class, Personal Writing 2006, etc. can always play around with that. BioMedical Engineering Degree Plan for xyz univ, etc.

maybe throw out skool stuff after 10 years, hehehe.

throw out anything that reminds you of something you want to erase from your mind, or which you could find online. don’t be afraid to throw out Photos!

also have a Charity bag of stuff that is in good enough condition to be given to charity. like crappy ties that I never wear, hehehe.

some papers which were important about a year ago are no longer important. INTO THE TRASH IT GOES.

heh. i found a Rubber which had an expiration date of 2007. note for virgins: when you get new Rubbers, they are set to expire like four years in the future. or at least they were like 10 years ago. maybe they make longer lasting rubbers in 2014. hahahahaha.

anyway no i have not organized my papers that nicely. i have a badly organized file cabinet AND a lot of unorganized papers in the room. but it is how i would ideally do it.


may 21

welp got an email back from the guy. he was very happy. things look good. i think we might be able to do this. fun little road trip. what the heck. i am laid off, it will be good to see old friends, AND, perhaps most importantly, I can Make Amends and apologize for being a Bad Friend and hopefully smooth things over in case I never see these people again. AND put out feelers for a Job hehehe.

went to the store and got some Athletic Shorts because the ones I had were too tight in the waist. got a new athletic shirt because the one I have is L and I prefer XL for shirts. heh. got some lightly salted peanuts because the regular peanuts were too salty. everything looks on the up and up.

hard to find the perfect athletic shirt. i wanted something more like a Muscle Shirt, with gaping room around the neck and chest, because those tend to get sweaty. I just found a sleeveless one with a regular shape neck. well, we shall see. not perfect, but prob better than the one I had.

got new pair of regular shorts. fits better than old ones.

got rid of old shirt, shorts, and regular shorts.

this is key, when you buy new clothes to replace old clothes…….


did that too.


today it was hot and humid and sunny during muh pwalk so i sweated a lot which did not feel too comfortable on the shirt. will see how the new shirt fares. i also have a cotton muscle shirt with plenty of room to breathe, but the downside is, it is cotton and gets soaked with sweat on a humid day.

first world problems, hehehe.

theoretically i could use scissors to cut a huge hole around the neck, but i am understandably concerned that would look horrible and lead to the ultimate destruction of the entire shirt.

worst case scenario, i just wear the cotton muscle shirt and rinse it out in the sink or shower every day.

sigh. some ultraconservatives say gays should not be able to raise children. not sure if i would agree with that. there area probably more gays that would be better parents than there are urban parasite underclass who would be good parents!

so i am tentatively in favor of gay parenting.

gay marriage? i am not even for straight marriage. i would prefer that gays not call it marriage, and that all people getting married had contracts drawn up for their particular marriage, and beyond protecting that contract, the state should not get involved, especially with divorce and alimony and custody etc.

back when i was young, i actually had a few Gay Male Acquaintances. we got along well and they didn’t seem overtly marxist. they were just trying to figure out their lives same as i was.

there are probably actually very few hardcore marxist ideologue activists. at worst they will simply become left of center democrats and highly functioning members of society. good for them. hardly the type of people contributing to the downfall of western society.

well, their powerful leaders they vote for certainly are contributing to it!!!!!

so is that an argument against democracy, or simply an argument against…..the current rather corrupt Republic? because of course we are a republic and not technically a democracy. maybe i just want a more Populist third party to enter the picture.

but supposedly two parties contributes to long term stability.

i don’t even know.

anyway I would prefer a right-wing party that is for protecting the upper working class, and probably anti-globalist and CERTAINLY antimarxist as well.

but that is just my opinion and you are entitled to your degenerate marxist opinions hehehehe.

heh. don’t cheer for wimmin when they dump you to ride other c0x and never yours again.

may 22

don’t be a beta f4g who says, “you go grrrl! I’m happy for you doing what makes you haaaappy, even if that means dumping me and giving dat 4ss to many other men! And I am happy to get no weaning or “severance” bangs either! Just cut me off cold turkey!”


or, even better: “good for you, just passing me up ENTIRELY and never giving me any bangs to begin with! good for you! you go girl! I will do without so you can get more d1ck from more guys!”


classic Little Boy Rage eh?

but i am thankful to be able to look back and laugh. would have been nice to get moar bangs and not get rejected so much, though, hehehehe.


and for the future i learned a valuable son: i will be MORE MASCULINE and STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

ok went on 3.2 mile pwalk. was warm but not hot or muggy.

ok ok that title comes from this hilarious picture i saw on “pornhub comments on stock photos” at tumblr originally posted to pornhub by some guy named xxxeinstein or something. credit.

lovely angel thrashed by gauntlet of exploitation

so that is the gist of the whole tumblr, to pair ridic comments with ridic stock photos, and here they struck gold. the other ones aren’t as funny, some are funny, but not THIS funny. so enjoy a nice laff.



may 16

ok took a nice 3.2 mi pwalk. nice. bretty much made up my mind that YES i should go with the guy on his road trip to the wedding. what would I do if I were a Normalfag who wasn’t Controlled by my Laziness and Loserness? Well, I would be gainfully employed and fly out there, or I would say yes to the guy instantly.

heck i should just say yes right now and then if i get called back to the job, tell em, i got a thing planned and can’t start till june xth. really don’t think they would then say, oh well, that’s 2 weeks later than we wanted you, so you’re fired permanently. they are already using this ridic Seasonal Model Of Employment to cut Labor Costs and to avoid Health Care Costs, much like making A Full Time Job into 2 Part Time Jobs.

anyway it would be genuine fun. and a good way to Make Amends and Assuage Regrets. plus it’s not like a job where you have to stay with it for life. it’s just a limited time. and i might meet some single gurls looking to Party for the night. and I professional network. the list of pros never ends.

protip. ok say you go on a 5 mile powerwalk and then your shirt and shorts are soaked with sweat and then you feel gross, understandably so, putting those same clothes on for a powerwalk on another day. you can do the rinsing the clothes out with soap and water in your bathroom sink as i mentioend earlier; OR you can try taking a SHOWER WITH THE CLOTHES ON. Or, if that’s too weird, bring the clothes in the shower with you and just rinse them out that way.

OR, buy special clothes that Wick the Sweat Out rather than absorb it In Forever. I guess like those Under Armour shirts all the f4gg0ts wear? well at least theyre not unemployable friendless wirgins.

“WICKING” shirt, activewear, athletic gear, go to TARGET and go to the activewear section and get the cheapest v-neck shirt, cheapest Muscle shirt, cheapest shorts, and cheapest pants you can find. get xlarge, something that feels baggy and loose on your body. better to be too big than too small. of course you don’t want it falling down below your 4ss like a n1993r, hahahahaha. and then just go to planet fitness during the winter and powerwalk on the treadmill for 100 minutes immediately after work, and then you can Walk Off the Stress from the Day at Work.

may 17

yep. so if you are faced with a decision and really can’t decide, getting cold feet, just want to say no because you always are afraid to say yes, think, wait a minute, what would a normalfag say? maybe this is my lazy loserness possessing me. and then say yes like a normalfag and Learn Something from the Experience.

damn. had another dream about a true luv girl last night. girl7. remember, it’s not REALLY about girl7 in particular, rather about the General feeling of True Luv I felt for All True Luv Girls. she just happened to pop in.

something involving skool. she was teaching the class i was in, or doing a presentation in my class, and coming off as real smart and professional. can’t remember much but I am pretty sure I acted more butthurt beta to her than I should have.

thankfully I do not remember much about the dream and it is not gonna ruin my day.

I f00king HATE Ben Stiller and the Fockers sequels, but the original “Meet The Parents” has genuinely hilarious moments. Like Robert Deniro calling dogs “Sellouts” or Ben Stiller’s ridiculous dinner prayer. although i do not agree that dogs are “sellouts”. or “emotionally shallow.”  how about u? wimmin, on the other hand….. i don’t hate wimmin, but I don’t LIKE them either.

gearing up for saturday 3.2 mile powerwalk. also really should sent this Guy a response email today, it has been one week since i first got his email, then shot off a quick response, “thank you, will respond soon.”

this is a great protip. when you receive an important email that is gonna take some thought, send them a brief two sentence email thanking them for reaching out to you, as soon as possible, to reassure and thank them. Who the hell (other than weird losers) don’t like being thanked? Even I like being thanked or complimented, and I am a weird loser who can’t pull a job or a wimmin!!!

OK, went for  3.2 mile pwalk, AND FINALLY responded to that guy. now just waiting for him. tried to make the email shorter and not go all out talking about my weird self. heh. in the past,like a year ago, i was writing epic emails to like 3 diff people, it was too much. what I learned from that is, DO NOT tell your old kollege friends that you are out of the Racist Closet or else you will have a lot of splainin and damage control to do. plus back then I was more extreme of a racist. I have simmered down a little bit. Thank RamZPaul for that, heheheh.

We’ll see. take it 1 step at a time. At the very least, I see it as A Sign From My Higher Power to Make Amends to this guy and to the guy getting married, amends for kinda blowing them off a little in the past, and just to tell them they are good people, and should have spent more time hanging out with them than orbiting around Girls 2, 3, 4, and maybe 5, like a luv crazy fool. not like i betrayed them or anything but I was being pulled between at least 2 social groups, and their social group did not get enough face time from me as I would have liked in the long run. that’s all.

heh. i do not have these social problems NOW obviously. i do have friends thank GOD. but one set of friends is more “superficial” and we do a regular fun activity together but I still keep my Inner Self hidden somewhat. though I should make more of an effort to hang out for different types of activities. And I have one friend who I am very close to and we know all each others deepest secrets and fears bla bla bla. and another friend i would like to make more of an effort to see, maybe once a month, but he is a big boy now with kidz.

how about u? yes, if I were a true neet wizard with Zero Friends, that would suck balls.