ON THE JOB TRAINING IS NOT TRAINING AT ALL

aug 27

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

i mean i study the companies before doing the interviews. i write thank you emails. i dress nice. i shave my face. i act very interested in the job. i ask questions at the end. what the hell am i doing wrong hahahaha. my fatal flaw is that i get a little nervous. and that i have such a long GAP. something must be DEEPLY WRONG with me. he needs SERIOUS HELP. he SHOULDNT BE working. or, he thinks hes gonna work HERE? HA! he needs to PAY HIS DUES first! get a job at walmart or mcdonalds or a shitty restaurant or call center, show that youre WILLING TO WORK first, before you can get an AWESOME job like this!

this is for that phone interview on monday. looks like the company is more reputable than i thought. winning all these best places to work awards, having many skilled and respected engineers, a destination kind of employer, that only wants the best of the best. which i am not. but i was when i was 17-18!

also my problem is that i cant just suck it up and live through a shitty job. it breaks me down into a Dumpster Fire and then I end up Committing Career Suicide and moving DOWN the career ladder ultimately. i dont really pay dues but get actively punished.

then i see all the people with engin degrees working for this palce, making 60k, thinking DAMN, I went to a TOP SKOOL, I went to a better skool than THEY did, why didnt I just get a damn ENGIN degree, then I could be making 60k too, I could have a wife and a FAMILY, and a good job, instead of being a huge neet loser who cant deal with LIFE.

and get angry and discouraged and slow down on muh job search hahaha.

yeah well today i am studying the company so i sound informed on muh 15 minute phone interview monday. see if its enough to overcompensate and get me a physical interview. prob not hahahaha.

then tomorrow i will study the company for tuesday int. much more of a blue collar place. but they are big and they have been around a while. not some fly by night arab company hahahaha. or shitty crab people asian company.

shit i had way more confidence in 2013 when i was working my mickey mouse job and was becoming close friends with That Woman.

see im desperate but i also cant take just any job because if i take a super shitty call center or customer service job, i am very worried about muh emotional health, and would i snap and quit. i dont want to put myself into a position like that so i avoid applying for those kinda jobs. high stress jobs hahahaha.

thinking about partying tonight with a valium nyquil combo. it is saturday nigth after all.

so, have a better feeling about the tuesday interview than the monday interview as a job i could actually GET. but i feel the monday place would be more fun and chill and better workplace than the tuesday place. well of COURSE its HARD to get into a GOOD workplace! the easier the job is to get, the WORSE the job is gonna be, the more it is gonna push you to your Limit.  and not in the good way hahahaha.

aug 28

took the valium nyquil combo around 645 pm, did 4.2 mile powerwalk, went to bed, slept pretty good. the combo i guess chilled me out a little bit and made me sleep good. would still prefer partaking MJ hahahaha.

it shuts your mind down, you cant think negative thoughts because it takes too much effort to think at all hahahaha. in other words it might be difficult to WORK, where you are trying to solve problems and bullshit on your feet all day. explaining and bullshitting and coming up with plans and reasons and explanations and answers and solutions.

sheeeeeeeit. it might be That Womans birthday very very soon. thankfully it doesnt bother me as much as youd think it would. one of my goals was to spend a womans birthday with her and have birthday cuddling with them, or having them spend my birthday with me and have birthday cuddling. or secs. or handholding. or making out. or hanging out.

never happened though hahahahahahaha. 2 years ago i went to dinner with my female friend and it was near her birthday and i was right on the CUSP of starting to feel differently about her. but not quite sure i was there yet. but i was getting very close.

in fact i wasnt even sure what her exact birthday was. it takes a while before someones birthday is a big deal for you.  you gotta know them at least a year.

and the next year of course i would ahve really liked to spend her bday with her but by that time we were DONE.

and now we’ve been DONE for a full YEAR after that.

i heard this song when this album came out in 1998, 18 years ago hahahaha and i was a stupid angsty high schooler listening to the weekly radio metal show. i thought the song was very catchy and epic and it was the first time i enjoyed anything like power metal.

i never listened to the whole album. i will now give it a chance hehehehe.

hmm very sleepy and tired today, the day after the nyquil. i guess thats not suprising.

cheap “skullcandy” earbuds lasted only 2 weeks. what cheap chinese crap. one ear went out then the other ear went out very quickly. one ear is bad enough and time to buy a new pair of cheap chinese throwaway garbage.

537 that is my new goal hahahaha. 537 job applications hahahaha. i get 1 interview for roughly every 21.4 applications hehehehe. and so if i want 25 interviews, then 537.

i am “only” at 386 so far.

i have been slowing down lately, getting a bit discouraged.

maybe i should contact her on her birthday hahahahahahaha. no i am just joking.

 

did SHE ever contact ME on MY birthday? HELL NO! she didnt even KNOW when my birthday was! although i kinda make it hard. you have to ask me and then mark it down on your calendar. which nobody does because they just use facebook to remember birthdays hahahaha.

but yeah at one time she was a real friend and i havent found any new friends to fill that friend gap. and i liked having that kind of person playing that kind of role in my life. i mean shit it was a two way street too, i was playing the same role in her life too.

ok  went to shitstore and bought some shitty 10 dollar sony earbuds that i HOPE will last 1 month.

listen to some of the hammerfall album, see if its any good. need more positive shit hahahaha.

was listening to george feels and he had a very sad pathetic feelsy video and i was like yep i shouldnt listen to this, this is not gonna help me. something basically how he had done nothing with the past 3 years of his life, his biggest accomplishment was not jerking off for 100 days hahahaha. in 3 fookin years. so he felt bad about that and then i felt bad too about not accomplishing anything with my life either hahaha.

well i did accomplish a bit in the past 3 years: moved from old job to new job, became close friends with that woman, pushed myself to the limit with new job, did some super amazing shit that i lose sight of now, and cant convince employers that once i was valuable hahahaha, went on road trip with old friend, fell in luv with female friend, saw 3 classic concerts, discovered trs, and then shit started going bad, rel with woman fell apart, lost job, got dumped, was in a state of deep despair for months, started a gym membership for the first time in life, lost 30 pounds, applied to 386 jobs and went on 18 interviews, got 2 new good suits. so yeah id say i accomplished more than george hahahahaha in the past 3 years. there was some epically BAD shit, as well as some pretty good shit too, but the bad shit has been what i remembered most and what i am lingering in now.

anyway POINT IS, there was plenty of good shit or not bad shit, or at least forward moment or personal improvement.

but all the good shit happened in the first half, and all the bad shit happened in the second half, so the bad shit is all i remember.

well, losing the 30 pounds is a big deal and i am doing that right now.

so is buying the suit, and doing the interviews.

but the interviews also suck because they dont lead to anything.

inherently, the interviews are a good thing and i should view them as such, rather than DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. and saying yeah interviews a normally all right, but THESE interviews arent so good because they dont RESULT in anything.

yes in our results oriented world its difficult saying something that doesnt have any results is a good thing.

but each abortion failure of an interview hahahaha is getting me closer to my goal of 25.

and the interviews arent really abortion failures. i look all right, i sound smart, although a little nervous, i show that ive done my homework on the company, i write thank you notes, i am one of 4 finalists for a 45k job, i mean come on these are all good things.

but the overall general shame of being an unemployable neet bum is SUCH MAGNITUDE hehehehe that it casts a shadow on all the other shit.

anyway, point is, there is a DECENT AMOUNT of good stuff ive done the past 3 years…..its just overshadowed by the bad shit because the bad shit was more recent, and honestly it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING. it was probably greater magnitude than the positive stuff was positive. but there WAS still somewhat DECENT magnitude of positiveness on the positive stuff.

PLUS, we always interpret bad things worse than we interpret good things as good. in other words, really good shit WEARS OFF QUICKLY, while bad shit lingers. so we need like 5 good things to lift us up for every 1 bad thing. defeat feels much worse than victory feels good. FACT.

anyway point is george has his more positive videos and his more negative videos, and i should stay away from the neg ones. and so should he. being that we are very much alike and struggle with the same problems.

and just like him i need to focus on the positive and essentially IGNORE the negative. because its focusing on the negative and IGNORING THE POSITIVE that has gotten us in this horrible mindset. low energy, very low confidence, lazy, neet, in a rut, spinning the wheels, not trying, giving up easily, defeatist, etc.

i listened to a bit of the hammerfall and it made me want to listen to judas priest “painkiller” so i did. i guess they have similar sounding productions and the drum bit at the beginning of the album is a direct tribute to painkiller possibly. but the hammerfall is definitely a bit more “power metal” and the singer doesnt really sound like halford. which is FINE. halford is awesome, but i wanted something a bit more power metally anyway. like ridiculous, somewhat epic songs and songs about warriors and courage and all that. whereas judas priest is arguably not very power metally while at the same time influencing every power metal band….they never fully went that way themselves, because they were sorta reinventing themselves on every album.

probably iron maiden is the more power metally band.

 

GAS THE NORMIES NEET UPRISING NOW

july 23

had weird nightmare that people were gradually being taken over by aliens. like body snatchers but they didnt look like humans at all, they looked more like Giant HR Giger Xenomorphs.

funny that you seem to be sleeping the deepest when you are having a terrifying nightmare that you WANT to wake up from. normally you LIKE and WANT to be sleeping deeply. but not now.

is it a good or a bad thing when an employer makes you  print out and sign an application and makes you come in to the office between 4:30pm to drop off the physical papers?

it sounds embarrassingly behind the times, like you’re hiding behind this outdated procedure and will keep the best candidates away.

but there’s also the argument that its a barrier to entry that will keep the WORST candidates away.

so, are you keeping away GOOD candidates, or keeping BAD candidates away?

probably BOTH tbh. you just snip off the outlying tails: the very best AND the very worst.

is it worth it?

but then this is a municipal position where quality is not necessarily necessary!

but companies can be inefficient as fook TOO. and managers much more incompetent than the people they manage.

well, the BEST candidates will eventually find jobs anyway, and probably not without having to go thru 20 interviews, or submitting six hundred applications.

in other words, i am more bad than good hahahaha. on the bad side of the bell curve hehehehe. below average. how do below average people get jobs? by looking for BELOW AVERAGE JOBS.

having an honest perception of what YOUR value on the market really is.  be like, i’m not worth much, and I know it.

but i kinda want the municipal, unionized, 37.5 hours a week, job, so i will follow their EMBARRASSINGLY OUTDATED policies of printing out the pdf.

do they just not KNOW how to accept applications electonically? there are LOTS of people out there who dont know how 2 email, how to add attachments to an email, cant grok how to make passwords for an account. hell no will they know how to set up a pdf to accept a verified signature.

shit you dont even NEED a signature. you can just type in your full name, or check this box to act as your signature.

or just email a god damn resume and cover letter and be done with it.

but noooooooooooooooooo.

I’ve got to PRINT OUT SIXTEEN PAGES and do a signature in ink.

but its a 34k job. kind of out of my league no?

yeah well i have recently interviewed for a 40k a year job mother fooker hahahaha.

aaannnnddd the professional woman i interviewed with on wednesday is not gonna accept my linkedin invite, even though she has 250 connections. well i didnt EXPECT her to anyway. but i am still ENTITLED to call her a bitch hahahaha even though my EXPECTATIONS were MANAGED hahahaha.

the LANGUAGE these people speak! so gay. GAY.wav. YOU FAIRY.wav.

http://www.realmofdarkness.net/pc/sb/pacino/3

oh lord soundboards hahahahahaha

i dont care if david mamet is a HUGE joo, this is still a great movie.

stands the test of time better than woody allens immoral filth.

i am thinking david mamet is way more moral than woody allen.

hopefully. i’m certainly willing to throw mamet in the oven too if he doesnt pass the test.

thats emblematic of muh confusion and weakness, i used to be a HUGE woody allen fan. I thought his neurotic bullshit was SOPHISTICATED and INTELLIGENT.

i still dont really want to crap on “hannah and her sisters”, prob my fav allen film.

but i can definitely crap on it where needed. like its never ok to cheat on your wife with your wifes sister. or to cheat on your boifran with your sisters husband. and woody allen attempting to write goy characters is more insulting and patronizing than women writing male characters hahahaha.  he makes the goys so weak and jooish rather than strong and proud.

absolutely no need to watch woody’s homages to bergman, just watch bergman instead, and there’s big problems with bergman too. he was a white goy but imho he symbolizes sweden becoming jooified. behind every swede there is a joo rubbing his hairy merchant hands hahahaha. be like the poles and throw the bums out.

it’s hard to see all this when you are a 20 year old child swept up in the romanticism of it all.

so youre a jooish neet offended by my anti jooishness? too bad. have your rich father get you a job and get you expensive psych md’s. go to the jcc and bang 18 year jooish sluts. become a counselor at joocamp and bang the female joocamp counselors. just dont get butthurt when theyre banging all the other male counselors. and administrators.

its easier for whites to become neets than joos, because in the current year, joos have a better social support system. your whole family can be poor white trash doing meth and drinking moonshine. there’s no counterpart in the jooish community. every joo has a rich uncle or cousin. doctors, lawyers, executives, business owners. shit you could probably get a job in israel too.  i have no desire to help joos. they have enough help. my fellow goyim are the ones who NEED help in this area.

the fatherland made a good point in epsidoe 36 (i think), the one with jeronimus guest and in fatherland after dark hour 3, they talked about “The BQ” and using MJ.

they made the good point that even though MJ is degenerate, you dont need to get into a Purity Spiral about it, and if you Do MJ once a year to help you Bond Deeper with your Wife, that is fine. Exec Producer Bradan “Killer of Dogs” tells story about how he was having marital trouble so they went to a church sponsored marriage retreat. there was an implied point which I would have made explicit: oh you mean his wife didnt just leave him when the going got tough? she was willing to go get marital help with him, and put in effort to WORK through the tough times? good.

anyway part of the thing was they got a night in a nice hotel, so they decided to go to the washington state legal MJ dispensary and get some brownies to spice up the night. they had a lot of fun and did not turn into degen MJ zombies like 75% of MJ users.

point is, degen things, in MODERATION, are not so bad.

except being a slut and giving up secs to strangers easily. but that was never on the table. these are men doing degen things in strcit moderation with their LONGTERM MONOG WIVES.

like the idea of doing Butt Stuff with your Wife just once to say you did it. totally different than crazy butt sluts getting random bar badbois to do me in the ass.

they mentioned a degenerate bar that was doing a “walk of shame” promotion by giving free bloody marys to any woman who showed a receipt for PLAN B purchase. we all agreed that was absolutely disgusting.

i felt bad for jeronimus because he didnt have the best showing. he could have done a lot better and I think he was just having an off day. he sounded a bit like an autist and also was not talking where his opinion would have been very welcome by me.

i can relate. like where you just have a BAD DAY and then the whole world judges you for that. and you know you’re having a bad day but you just can’t shake it. you just have to survive through it, try to get good sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. but when everyone is judging you and thinking youre a loser and an autist and an ubermensch and a neet just because you’re having a bad day and you can’t communicate quite right…….that SUCKS.

its HARD to be at the top of your communication game at all times, especially when talking to people all day.

that’s why I will always accept emails as valid form of communication too hahahahaha. shit, take a few days and email me when you are having a better day.

so i gotta drive out there during working hours, which normies could not do, print out 16 pages of paper, which could probably cost 1$ to mail which normies would have to do, then pay 25c at the parking meter hahaha. just to Drop Off a job application.

hungary. another great country. white as hell. weird asian language but that hasnt stopped finns from being great. and hungarians are probably less asian than finns ahahahahahhahaha.

you know your gf is at least a 7 when you can honestly say you would LIKE to see her in a bathing suit, especially a 2-piece “bikini” type. if the thought makes you cringe…..she is below a 7 for sure. and i would never want to be with that type of woman long term, or Create New Life with her!

yeah physical attraction is crude, but its necessary even for a principled moral nondegenerate. needless to say, i found That Woman very attractive. technically she was a 7, but 7 is still pretty good, and with my luv for her, she skyrocket to an 8, 9, or 10. WIFE GOGGLES. LUV GOGGLES. I would have LUVED to see her in a bathing suit. all that soft white flesh.

people are FAT because they are so busy WORKING they dont have TIME to eat and be healthy. Since they are WORKING 60 hours a week at least, having working lunches, all they can do is get fast food, and INHALE the fast food while they do their WORK. and THAT is why people are morbidly obese.  and then even if all you did after you got out of work between work and bed, was exercise, it wouldnt be enough to burn off all that god damn mcdonalds you ate like a pig. an overworked pig hahahaha.

its not uncommon for people to have heart attacks and die on the job, i learned. doesnt have to be a physical job at all. they just need to be fat and unhealthy and older. spend all day eating fast food, drinking soda, dealing with 90000 angry customers, and you giving them the runaround on their confusing issues because it costs too much to fix the problem with your shitty product and erything is a goddamn charade, you get stressed out, boom heart attack dead.

great. how fancy do i have to dress up for dropping off a damn application? i mean its the hottest part of the summer (which i am very thankful for, i luv hot weather), its 90 degrees out there so….

i mean i will dress up for the job, i will dress up for an interview and wear a suit coat in 90 degree waether while i wipe my forehead with paper towels, but dropping off an application? i havent dropped off an application in 3 years hahahaha. and that was for a damn municipal job too. noticing a pattern here. cities are inefficient and incompetent hahahaha and only survive because they are public tax supported leviathans.

kinda want to get some sun early in the afternoon. like 1 pm.

ok did that. did 2.8 mile powerwalk in 95 degree weather, about 55 minutes, got some good sun, vitamin d, took shower.

sheeeeit. 1 year into The Recovery and only now am I realizing that SHE DIDNT KNOW ME AS WELL AS I THOUGHT SHE DID.

In other words WE WERENT AS CLOSE AS I THOUGHT WE WERE.

I thought we were close because I knew alot about her. women don’t usually let me get that close. (but they spread their life creators for random men for instant gratification like ingras.)

really? you think its SPECIAL that a WOMAN is TALKING ABOUT HERSELF?

heh well i did because she didnt seem like a narcissist exhibitionist and actually had a private life.

but point im trying to make, did she really know ME? HELL NO!!! She didnt know about my past with women, she didnt know the story of muh high school and college years, she didnt know that much about my life prior to when i started working at the easy job with her.

i mean, i dont really LIKE talking about these things with people, and she didnt really want to PRY them out of me. the result is, she didn’t know ME NEARLY as wel as I knew HER.

and yeah that was my fault. mostly.

but it also explains how she could forget about me a LOT easier than I could forget about her. she didnt really KNOW me.

hehehehe it’s not really a POSITIVE, feelgood realization hahaha.

maybe if she REALLY knew me, she would have DITCHED me a LOT EARLIER.

and THAT would have been GOOD because it would have saved me a lot of pain!

lesson: make sure they know YOU just as much as you know THEM. if they are telling you intimate things about themselves, return the favor with telling them intimate things about you.

nobody told me that being a WEIRDO would make you a loser with women and with friends…….but it would ALSO affect your ability to MAKE A LIVING as nobody wants to HIRE a WEIRDO.

NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE A WEIRDO. 

heheheh.

thing is, i’m not THAT weird, i am just shy and quiet and boring and lame. i am not a total psychopath, i just have really low quality. like an ahtlete with a really low rating. im just shitty at everything hahahahaha.

too boring, too shy, too wimpy, too quiet, too prudish, too nervous, too awkward, too lame.

also you GOT to have something wrong with you to be 30+ years old and never had a REAL gf. theres a huge red flag there!

so because of THAT people think I am a psycho weirdo creep…..but really I never had a GF because I not too weird, but just didn’t quite make the grade. like a DUD. almost made the minimum, but not quite.

he’s not a PSYCHO, he’s just BELOW THE MINIMUM, hahahahahaha.

why would a company keep re-posting a job like a month later?

why would they delete all the resumes they were sent the first time around?

because none of the 1000 resumes the first time were good enough?

they are holding out for a better candidate, than the 1000 candidates they have got so far?

why not just call the best person out of that 1000?

because the best person out of that 1000 wasn’t good enough, so now they’re gonna try to get a NEW 1000?

or is it just Job Growth Theater? its not a real job opening? they don’t intend to EVER fill this “job?” it just makes it LOOK like their company is doing well, or the economy is doing well?

you think their Office Manager even knows? you’d have to talk to the area manager or president or ceo or board. and you aren’t gonna talk to them. you can’t.

and even if you COULD, you think they’d tell YOU? Joe Flabeetz off the the Streetz?

thinking about recreationally using nyquil during the day, same way I would smoke an MJ if i had some.

no, OF COURSE i would not go over the dosage because im aware of the dangers of acetominophen, unlike women or nonwhites.

so bradan fatherland is like 40 years old and has only done MJ like 3 times in his life. and he lives in damn washington where its LEGAL. i dont think we need to worry about HIM. No I like him a lot, he is very laid back and much less autistic than jim, and probably more fun to hang out with hahahaha.

i mean i really like all the guys on the show. ryan no1 i might have the most mancrush on because he is a total alpha male, very charismatic, and probably has an attractive 7 or above wife hhahahaha. and otto just seems like a very nice, friendly, down to earth guy. jim is the most ridiculous and autistic, but he’s a good guy too.

but i also think about george feels. so he lives in colorado and DOESNT do MJ, that says a lot in my book. ANYONE who lives in a legal weed state and isnt 420 blaze it all day long. not that thats a good thing! its DEGENERATE to use MJ every day! smoke weed erry day! THATS DEGENERATE AF!!!!! but i can totally understand it, IVE BEEN THERE, and I might go back there again. it TEMPTS me like none other.

George feels, i think it might help him tho. prob better than him drinking. not that he drinks THAT much. oh you drank 5 beers last night. get back to me when you are drinking at least 12 beers a day. and go on binges where you stay up all night drinking over a Fifth of Hard Booze getting wasted AF. I dont think george does this. he drinks 4 or 5 ciders or guinesses a few nights a week and feels all guilty about it. he’s not even driving around drunk hahahaha.

get back to me when you are drinking cheap malt liquor, cheap bottom shelf whiskey, or cheap boxed wine.

people who want to get drunk so bad they will drink steel reserve WARM.

just the thought of it makes me nauseous now. thank god. that is the proper reaction.

this is why i like podcasts with 2 people having an interview or conversation. they can pull you out of Downward Spirals of Negative Thoughts, and you can do the same for them. Which is why i think it would be a real neat thing for me to have a Skype Talk with George Feels.

more than 2 people, it gets tricky, like on the fatherland. then some people dont talk so much. 3 is do able but 4 is prob too much.

same deal with the millennial woes hangouts. prob why i stopped listening to those. just too many damn people.

2 people is my sweet spot.

HA, company wants references who are NOT former employers/managers, but who have been your NEIGHBORS for 3 to 5 years. Apparently Eggy got butthurt at this and was rude to the recruiter hahahaha.

i have seen a few applications ask for Non Work References, so I just used the same Work References as usually do. I never had a real life recruiter ask for them though.

well eggy will be blacklisted by that recruiter…..but recruiters are bullshit anyway basically meant to keep people AWAY from jobs. more job theater. i mean they never get back to you anyway. except maybe with eggy they put a note in his file saying this guy is an autist who got angry at the recruiter. if they even have a system for cases. candidate tracking system. they just throw everything away hahahaha. SORRY WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

just curious. WHY do recruiters ask for non work related references?

to paint a FULLER PICTURE of you than employers can give? to really know what kind of person you are? to screen out weirdos and neets and autists that do good work but are antisocial and weird? again, its all bullshit designed to turn people AWAY. they REALLY DONT CARE. NEVER has a non work related reference MADE THE DIFFERENCE. i just want to see the kind of bullshit the recruiters say about why they do this jooery.

http://www.askamanager.org/2013/04/why-do-employers-ask-for-personal-references-rather-than-professional-ones.html

i actually respect and sort of trust askamanager’s opinion. and she agrees personal references are BULLSHIT. THANK YOU.

ok just had some nyquil. 6.11 pm.

today is the type of PERFECT DAY to go to the lake. 90 degrees all day, HOT and sunny. i wanted to go to the lake but i didnt want to go alone. and i couldnt think of anyone i wanted to go to the lake with……except YOU KNOW WHO. and i havent talked to her in a YEAR.

what would alpha male do? just go to the lake alone and then make tons of hawt young female friends when he shows up by being all charismatic.

COMPANIES should run SCHOOLS. currently schools, even GOOD schools, can’t guarantee that you will be employable. if Companies Ran Schools For Children, K-12, this wouldn’t happen.

If Companies Ran Schools….well at the very least the kids would be prepared for a job at that company hahahaha.

schools would just be 12 years of job training.

why dont they just do that?

but then again, i am a fooking OUTLIER. most normies who go to normie skool get normie jobs.  i am only speaking for 1% of the popular. the real WEIRDOS.

but I’m not a WEIRDO, I’m just SUBPAR, hahaha. SUBMINIMUM.  just Not Good Enough, Unfortunately.  Not what we were looking for, sorry.

well, thank you for saying sorry at least! hahahaha.

instead of saying B+ or B or A in your job bookmarks, i have started putting like B+, APPLY!!! in them, so I know which ones I am more serious about applying for. because that’s all that REALLY matters. am I REALLY gonna apply to this one or not. Some job you know right away. those you put APPLY!!! in the bookmark title so you can spot them quickly, when you are ready to apply for a few jobs and want to take a break from scouring the damn indeed list of fake jobs hahaha.

i thought about how i wanted to take HER to the lake and beach and stare at her big pale white ass in a bathing suit and then have luving but masculine pair bonding secs with her.

then i thought, well she’s just doing that with someone else now. well, she’s probably working at her new job, making 16 dollars an hour, which i can never hope to make. and shell have a long hard day and then see her new boifran and night and get some long hard dick to relieve all that stress.

FINE. you can take all the dicks you want. just TREAT ME THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND A HEART. JUST BE NICE TO ME.  you can take all the black cok you want, just BE NICE to me when you dump me.

If i were to do skypes, i’d do one with george feels, def do one with millennial woes, do some with these guys from depression forums. maybe one with a fatherland guy. hahahaha assuming any of those guys would say yes to the idea hahahaha.

i have two main interests apart from muh own navelgazing: huhwhyte nationalist and loser neet feels hahahaha. maybe GOD wants me to combine the two.

well, lemme just say I’m very comfortable speaking for the loser neet feels community. I am NOT comfortable at all speaking for the other community.  i just CANT. they dont want losers speaking for them, shit I dont want losers speaking for them, as a loser I dont WANT to speak for them.

maybe GOD is trying to teach me a lesson to not be racist, and he is gonna answer my prayers in a mysterious way. like i want to have a white waifu and have white children, maybe what GOD will do is send me a stumpy potatoey laotian single mother and i will get to be a surrogate father to her asian bastards, to teach me that Race doesn’t really matter, and that you can love children who aren’t your children as if they ARE your children.

and I would say to the LORD, sorry but thats just not good enough. I asked for WHITE children. white biological children of my own. that was the MINIMUM. you gave me SUB MINIMUM. I do not accept your halfass answer to my prayers. dont you have a QUALITY department hahahahaha. this one is a DUD, hahaha. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. GOTTA DO BETTER, LORD.

the lord works in mysterious ways. sometimes to our prayers he says yes, sometimes he says no, and sometmes he says NOT YET. OR, i’m gonna answer your prayer, but in a totally different way than you expected. you want a wife, i’m gonna send you an ugly nonwhite white to teach you lesson about not being racist and lookist.  its only the NONRACIST people that get wives of their own race, hahahaha. they don’t have any lessons they needed to learn

discipline. being able to do things you don’t like doing, because you HAVE to do them.

of course i try to JOO this by saying, well, i’ll DO it, just dont expect a good job.

NOPE. it STILL has to have good quality. no slacking on quality. DISCIPLINE is not only about doing things when you dont want to do them………but still doing them WELL. HORRY SHEET.

i am an expert in grudgingly, half assedly doing stuff, because i dont like it, i dont want to do it.

yet i dont get good results, because i do the stuff half assed! like maybe i am half assing all these 300 job appliations, because I am not painstakingly crafting every application to the job. because i am only spending 12 minutes per application rather than 30 minutes per application.  i have my Plug And Play sentences in my cover letter…..but the WHOLE COVER LETTER isnt tailored. BUT MAYBE IT SHOULD BE.

but yeah. funny that if two despairers are talking to each other, you can help pull back the other person from spiralling down into despair, being nice to them. but you cant do that with yourself!!!!!! this is a very interesting thing. there is something we can learn and use here.

namely, me talking here, or george making solo videos, is just beating a dead horse, a despair spiral. there needs to be checks and stop signs and guardrails and such to keep us from going off the track. and you can even have another despairer do that for you! they can help others better than they can help themselves!

and i think this is pretty cmmon among despairers!

so maybe this is the ultimate cure for despair: to help other people with despair.

and yeah thats the stated mission of this blog, always has been……..but in reality, its just been me whining about my own bullshit hahahaha rather than helping others.

oh eggy growing his nice long hair. i used to have nice long hair. but i was still a weird creep virgin. then i cut my hair and i sorta got some confidence briefly. then i wanted to grow my hair out again. but it was too late. i had quickly gone bald before age 30.  BRUTAL. shit i STILL might grow the SIDES long hahahaha.

its really not THAT weird for men to have barely any experience with women, like be 30+ and have never had a serious gf. but WOMEN think its WEIRD AS HELL, because they dont appreciate the natural differneces between men and women, and it IS realy weird for a woman to make it to 30 without having a serious boifran.

because women dont have to DO anything.

WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY, MEN ARE THE DEMAND.

women just do NOT understand this, and men understand it at least implicitly.

sex, relationships, luv, dating, cuddles, affection, making out, anything in that ballpark. women are the supply, men are the demand.

THE SUPPLY CANT DEMAND ITSELF.

The demand can’t supply itself, hahahahaha.

when the demand is high and the supply is low, the price is HIGH AS FOOK.

and the demand will NEVER be low, and the supply will NEVER be high.

well, the supply COULD be higher.  supply of good, decent, marriageable women that is.

july 24

deicide “stench of redemption” 2006 is seen as something of a comeback ater replacing old guitar players  with new ones. i liked a couple decide albums up to “serpents of the light” which i remember when that one came out when i was a total adolescent teen.  SotL was pretty good, then they went on an embarrassingly decline and I just STAHPPED and started listening to opeth and became too cool for deicide. then of course opeth became uncool and uninspired and boring and lame.

now i dont listen to music becuase music is dgenerate hahahaha.

but seriously i dont really care about music made after 2005 and there is plenty of stuff i missed the first time around. like the deicide “legion” album. or sepultura “schizophrenia”. or fookin racist russian black metal bands hahahaha.

i mean seriously. i should be the worlds biggest NSBM fan hahahahaha.

had some nyquil yesterday at like 6 pm, went to bed at 9:30 pm, slept pretty good, did not get out of bed till like 9:30 am, this is pretty standard for nyquil hahaha.

spent all sunday afternoon reading damn metal reviews hahaha.

ok the albums of the day are deicide legion

i never listened to this album and always knew it as “the most technical” deicide album. but decide was never a very technical band! i am really looking for old skool death metal that is br00tal and heavy. hoping there is a heavy guitar sound and blast beats. i am also trying to get a better feel for steve asheim as a drummer, since most people say he is a good drummer, but how good is he really? but i am also looking for something lowbrow, sincere, and badass.

of course later on “technical death metal” became a thing, (gorguts?) and “brutal death metal” became another thing (devourment?) so I am fully aware of that. which is also why i wanted to go back to 1992 before all that shit even existed.

other albums of today:

sepultura: schizophrenia and arise

axis of advance: strike

angelcorpse: exterminate

morbid angel: covenant

niden div 187: impergium

you know i bet at least 20% of men are like me, basically virgins who never had a gf, and women think it is SO WEIRD, BUT IT REALLY ISNT! 20% of men are like us……but women have never met any of us!

the mysterious leader of deathspell omega, hasjarl, is really a 37 year old man named christian bouche who owns a real estate company called sci trident or something and probably is a total EXTRAVERT NORMIE talking to CLIENTS all day and wearing a tailored SUIT and SMILING and Closing deals and making 100k a year and drives a NICE car and wears NICE clothes and probably has an ATTRACTIVE GF from all the money he’s making in real estate hahahahahaha. so how can you take his kvlt music seriously now hahahaha.

well DsO hasnt been relevant since 2012 anyway hahahahahahaha. why did they just STOP suddenly? did he just run out of steam? get too busy making money?

i am being facetious. i hope he makes plenty of money and more importantly, has plenty of white children and doesnt waste any more time on “orthodox satanism.” no such thing for a grown ass white man to be doing.

but again they havent done a damn thing since 2012. cuz he is too busy making money and having secs with attractive wimmin like a NORMIE hahahahaha.

so anyway thats my big thing for this post:

25% of men are 30 year old kissless virgins like me who never had a gf.  it’s NOT THAT WEIRD. women only think its weird because by DEFINITION, because all women have been In Rels, they’ve never really met one of these millions of men! also the men aren’t shouting this from the rooftops, because they are ashamed. they don’t talk about it with women. well i say they should! we should come out of the closet and tell every woman we know that we are huge virgins who never had a gf, just so women, and people in general, but especially women, and to us ourselves, we can see that we ARENT THAT WEIRD!

where am i getting this 25% number? i cant prove it……but YOU CANT PROVE IT EITHER!!!!!!

All about the seed of doubt. i don’t think I could say 50% of men. but 20 or 25%, yeah sure!

of COURSE none of the men women have fooked are VIRGINS! because theyre FOOKING them!!!!!

you’d have to look at the male orbiter friends of the women. certainly they are ashamed of being virgins, and the vain women doesn’t care enough to know.

see, you women ALREADY KNOW some Male Virgins Who Never Had A GF, you just never cared enough to ask! but yeah a good 30% of your Beta Orbiters are Virgins!

You think thats WEIRD? then cut them off of orbiting you! DO THEM A FAVOR!

and do it nicely too! but also be honest! be like, you’re not a bad guy, and this isn’t your fault. its MY fault. but there is NO chance between you and me. its not RIGHT for me to keep leading you on like this. its not RIGHT to use people for the attention and adoration. i will NEVER be your GF. find a woman who will.

heh. its like ive become more hateful against all women, after this one woman.

yet when i was getting along with that one woman, i wasn’t nearly as hateful towards all women. i was more balanced, less hateful.

basically i need to be getting along with at least one woman in order to “humanize” women for me, to show me that not all women are horrible, AND to give me the confidence that I CAN get along with a woman, and am not some Huge Weird Virgin who Repels Women.

it’s hard to not think like that when I don’t have any female friends hahahaha. no evidence to the contrary.

went for 4.2 minle pwoerwalk. listend to arise and legion. arise has great heavy guitar sound. i probably didnt fully understand or appreciate this when i first heard it when i was young and i preferred the “groove” stuff like chaos ad.  yes, i did like “roots.” NO, I did not like “against.” I had the first soulfly album but I didnt super like it. but it was better than “against” hahaha. but after that sepultura became shameful and max became shameful and I forgot that, together, they USED to be a force to be VERY reckoned with. like on “arise.” great metal album for any metal fan.

deicide legion was….also early 90s scott burns stuff. the first deicide i ever heard was “once upon the cross” 1995, which was sorta new at the time, and i remember seeing it in the record store and being frightened of how blasphemous and evil the cover was. like wow this deicide band is the most extreme thing ever. then my friend got the album and i made a tape of it because i was too scared to actually buy the album hahaha. but i enjoyed the album and it was my first real taste of Death Metal. and then serpents of the light came out and i was fully on board with that one. also listened to their live album which came out after that, it was a great live album. “when satan lives.” and also listened to their first album a bit. but totally skipped over “legion.”

so i listened to it today and it was pretty good. super distorted and kinda sloppy guitars. the bass mixes well with it though, you can always hear the bass rumbling.  drums sound pretty good, hold the chaos together. benton sounds hateful but not as intimidating as he did on “once upon the cross”, here he sounds more human. no he sounds fine, no problems there.

but yeah OUTC and SOTL are definitely more catchy than this. better riffs. but legion definitely has replay value. some MJ would help though. and I bet it sounds better loud on good speakers.

see i think goatwh0re knows how to get really good production. the stuff is clear, and heavy, and not super polished. but the guitars sound way heavier than say “legion.” although their newer stuff is not as Inspired as their Older Stuff. also their drums are never clicky. this is how guitars and drums should sound IMHO. basically if all metal albums sounded like that, I would be happy. purists will say its not raw enough. i saw it’s plenty raw enough. if it sounds TOO raw then it stops being HEAVY and just sounds like CARDBOARD.

Women think its SO WEIRD when a guy is a virgin and or nevergf. Theyre like EW WEIRD uh NO I never met any weirdos like that. Well shit yeah you have. every guy you rejected as being too nice or too weird. just look at your orbiters. if you treated your orbiters as people and ACTUALLY GOT TO KNOW THEM, you would find that some of them are virgin nevergfs.

TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE.

YES the orbtiers are dumb for orbiting around you like a servile puppy dog, but if you were a virgin nevergf desperate for a gf, youd do the same thing too.

GET TO KNOW YOUR ORBITERS. you will be surprised at what you learn. you could learn soemthing from their lives of quiet desperation hahahaha. gain some sympathy for nevergfs who are just lonely as fook. learn more about the nevergf/neverrel life. shit yeah its scary. be thankful that you will never know it. but you SHOULD make an effort to learn about it. because its the life many of your orbiters live, and you dont even KNOW.

NEVERGF. WE ARE LEGION. EXPECT US.

aajjajajaja. 25% of men baby.

well, it doesnt MATTER if a 16 year old or 18 year old boy is a virgin. it really starts being “WEIRD” around age 25. so, lets say 25% of men over 25 are nevergf virgins. there. BELIEVE IT.

IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE AND ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW THEM as people rather than adoration-showering objects, you’d see that you actually know a LOT of male nevergf virgins! ITS NOT THAT WEIRD!

hey it wasnt for lack of trying! I WANTED To make it work! THEY NEVER WANTED to make it work! They just wanted to WALK OUT and BAIL and leave me in the LURCH.

I didnt BAIL on the relship, THEY did!!!!!!! I wanted to put in the WORK, THEY didn’t!!!!!

thats why i am nevergf hahahaha.  its THEIR fault hahahahahaha.

when woman2012 dumped me (and she was VERY GOOD about it, but i was STILL upset), i was just starting to become friends with woman2015. I was getting along with her really well, but i couldnt even THINK of her like that, i was still obsessed with the other woman. but it was good that i could get along with a woman. talk to a owman normally. i don’t have that now. so i totally doubt my ability to talk to women, get along with women, have female friends, get along with women like human beings. i don’t have any of that at the moment like i did in 2012, 2013. 2014. some of 2015. although things were bad in 2015. worse than I even knew.

well i sorta get along with some women. i see peoples GF’s at my weekly social event. we are nice to eaach other and i do VERY small talk with them. but i had gotten closer to That Woman in ONE MONTH than i have gotten to any of these women. which isnt to say That Woman Moved FAST – just that we both got along really well and hit it off immediately and had small talk really easily and could just talk real easy about lots of stuff, in a way that I can’t just do with anybody and everybody. but some people CAN. especially women hahaha. they turn on the charm and make you feel special, but you’re really not hahahaha. how many guys has she done that with in the past year? how many new guys she fooked? met from dating sites? how many new omega virgin orbiters has she had that think they have such a special connection? how many chumps thought the same thing i did? WOW i just NEVER get along with WOMEN so well, this gurl is really SPECIAL!!!!!

but i can tell you she honestly wasnt a slut, was not an extravert, did not get out much, did not meet a lot of new people. at least back then. who knows what she’s become now. in the past year. and it just DOESNT MATTER because I will never know her again! but you can see i still want to!

i was thinking of getting hooker this year, maybe that would help. actually making the call wuld be the hardest.

also i would have to get a damn job of course.

get a damn job so i can buy MJ and get a hooker hahahahaha.

get blazed on MJ and then walk around for 2 hours listening to music and fatherland and george feels and self made podcasts of me reading Knowledge about whatever my ridic job is hahahahaha. trying to learn and know EVERYTHING so i am prepared for explaining the most ridiculous shit to angry callers day in day out. well WHY cant you help me. sorry just can. no you CANT speak to the supervisor. hes in a meeting. no we dont call people back.

why dont they teach THESE soft skills in schools? if COMPANIES ran schools, like they should……they WOULD!

heheheh why didnt SCHOOL teach me the things COMPANIES want in order to give me a JOB and PAY me ?!?!??!?!?! Like how to bullshit people who want to speak to a manager? like how to bullshit when something makes no sense but you have to handle it now and can’t pass it to someone else?

ht     tp://scottberkun.com/essays/53-how-to-detect-bullshit/

unfortunately, all the articles on the internet are on how to detect bullshit and how to destroy it…….not on how to CREATE IT CONVINCINGLY ON THE SPOT, UNDER PRESSURE, WHEN IT IS MOST NEEDED.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how%20to%20come%20up%20with%20bullshit%20explanations%20on%20the%20spot

googles got NOTHING hhahahaha.

i mean my bullshit detector is pretty good. i think EVERYTHING is bullshit hahahah. i dont LIKE bullshit. i hate it. i dont WANT to do it. I just HAVE To do it to survive on muh job.

no i dont! i havent done this in a YEAR!

george feels said that his father, who had been unemployed for THREE long years, complained about his previous job like it had just happened YESTERDAY. it was that unpleasant, and that fresh in his mind still. its like you can be permanently SCARRED, george noted.

i kinda have that. it has been over a year, yet I can remember that unpleasant feeling as clear as day.

too bad I can’t remember detailed STORIES that I can use in an INTERVIEW to show how AWESOME and SMART and cool under pressure I am!

but yeah it IS stupid and scary and sad that a bad job can almost SCAR you like this.  hope you never know that feel, GEORGE. check your unscarred privilege hahahaha.

all this stuff on the internet on how to DEAL WITH bullshit, but NOTHING on HOW TO bullshit. so how do all these bullshitters learn? it just comes NATURALLY to them? it must! cuz I don’t see a single article TEACHING somebody HOW TO bullshit. I would really like to read that article.

no, there is ONE article out there, and its OK, but I need MUCH MORE.

 

 

BE THE TYPE OF MAN YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY

july 9

https://www.youtube.com/user/ForeverAloneFeels/featured

i have downloaded like 10 videos to listen to. this guy seems like a Kindred Spirit and might even make it to the sidebar links. he also has varg v and weev in his liked videos, which means he might be a bad goy hehehehe. a 1433 bad goy with foreveralone nevergf forevervirgin feels. dont quote me on the 1433. but if he’s not, that might help him. i know it helped ME.

he is one of those guys that talks SO SLOW, probably because he is a horribly depressed virgin for many years! but he also drinks and looks at pron, which is bad. but i think he is quitting pron, which is great. he is currently on like day 60 of “nofap” and apparently that may be helping.

does he go to a shrink?

does he take meds?

does he take MJ?

he definitely likes to drink and eat.

look forward to investigating this fellow lost soul.

he DOES have a job and is gainfully employed, but it also sucks everything out of him and does not help his confidence heheheh.

i havent even watched these, so viewer beware, they might suck. but I think he is definitely worth a few links hahahaha

but yeah its funny how you can just TELL. from the way people LOOK and TALK. that this person is a self loathing virgin. or this person is a woman hater. im not sure if he’s a woman hater, just saying that’s something you can TELL. I know a few guys and you can just tell. i mean it is a bitterness against All or Nearly All women just barely under the surface, of viewing women as stupid and bad. I mean I have the same thing too, so I’m not judging them. I know that feel! I’m a woman-hater myself! I’m just aware of the TELLS, and make a conscious effort to HIDE them, so that people don’t even guess I’m a woman-hater. I am good at not letting the mask slip.

but yeah i dont hate or judge woman haters, how could I , I’m one myself!

I would LOVE not to hate women, but god damn, they just give us so many reasons to hate them hahahaha.

Oh well, i guess the best we can go is hate the sin, love the sinner. but why do they have to sin so god damn much, i mean they NEVER LEARN, they NEVER improve, they get worse and worse.

heh heh

like i say, i will have to listen to this guy then report back. i like to think i am very sympathetic hahaha. how will this guy compare to eggy / egg man, a similar lost soul. i mean these are not neets because they are working, but they are clearing Crying Out for help, they are in SUCH a sad state of despair.

just take some damn meds and sm0ke some damn weed already hahaaha.

how much does “george feels” drink? a little or a LOT. like getting drunk almost every day? or just a few drinks after a long horrible day at work. 3 drinks? or 6, 10 drinks.

but yeah a man CARRIES himself a certain way when he hasn’t made out (or more) with a woman in years, and men who DO have semi-regularly physical and emotional connection wtih women, also carry themself a certain way – a more confident, normie way. they seem less weird. this guy george seems totally WEIRD. as do I, hahahha.

well i guess the nofap is good for him. i would say the porn is 6000000000 times worse than the fap hehehe.

also quit the drinking and switch to weed hahahahaha.

get some damn meds.

get a short buzz haircut, that always gives me a slight confidence boost.

lose some weight hehehehe. not that he’s super fat, but being even slightly overweight is gonna be more damaging to him than to a confident normie chad, who has the personality to get away with being slightly overweight.

in one video he shows a programming in C book, is he a programmer for work? well he should thank his lucky stars to have a real skill and to make real bigboy money hahahahaha.

he lives in fookin denver! why isnt he smokng POUNDS of legal weed hahahahaha.

job opening at one of muh target employers, i almost shit muh pants when I saw it, because it actually generated an email alert. maybe newly posted fulltime jobs here do go onto indeed. good. then i will get email alerts. but they NEVERRRRR post openings for this job. I have NEVERRRR seen such a posting in like EIGHT YEARS. i immediately marked it AAAAAAA+++++++ APPLY NOW. its not every day a job shoots to the top of the list blatnatly like this.  so i will take a little extra care and apply for that today. maybe name drop in the cover letter. cuz i sorta knew 2 guys in the department 3 years ago hahahaha. like know them to chit chat with them and know their names, say hi to them and chit chat. good enough. well the one guy is a truly good guy. i would luv it if he were still there. he is a great guy and mancrushworthy. super friendly and nice and great people person hahaha. he is married and has at least one kid but he needs to have at least 3, just a great white man like that. i got along with him real well. but he gets along with everybody well, he’s just good with people like that.

i GET IT that men HAVE to bring a lot more to the table than women have to. it took me a while to understand that and accept it and not get assmad about it. ok. fine. done.

but can’t women bring SOMETHING to the table other than their befouled cvnt that they have disgraced and degraded so much?

like i have said before, can’t they even make a LITTLE EFFORT? even just 1% instead of 0% would mean a lot, symbolically at least. to be the LEAST BIT willing.

also i think guys like george mcfeels and eggman who post their pathetic white faces on youtube, it takes some balls to do that and I think they are more willing to Improve themselves than the neets on r9k, where its 100% self pity which i why I took r9k off the sidebar.

yeah well NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT hahahaha. SOME women WERE willing and indeed DID give me 1% of effort and kindness when they dumped me! so there! Refuted! Rebutted!

I just wanted to be DUMPED BETTER. I was begging to be dumped better. I said I accept that you’re dumping me. fine. just pleeeeeeease do it BETTER.  i didnt say don’t dump me. well….i said i would be open to not being dumped too hahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i will respect (stupid word, you can ACCEPT without RESPECTING) your decision, just do it a little better. you can do better than that. can’t you? it’s not just a woman thing, OTHER WOMEN have done better than that to ME.

also george feels should just use alcohol to bang some disgusting slut. i think he talks to women and meets women more often than I do. also he still drinks. so find some drunk whore and bang her already. if i still drank i would probably try that.

thing was, i couldnt even talk to women WHEN DRUNK. I went straight from too nervous and weird, to being sloppy falling down drunk and couldnt talk to ANYBODY. and that is not gonna help you with women unless THEY are falling down drunk.

anyway after 3 or 4 or 5 drinks, yeah i would be generally a bit loosened up but still not loosened up around Women. so then of course have another. and other. until you are 10+ drinks and then sloppy and embarrassing. thats the problem with alcohol hahahahahaha. that you get TOO sloppy to talk to women. not that you are ruining your life with being a damn disgraceful drunk hahahaha.

do i have more of a sense of humor than george mcfeels?

am i funnier than him?

more likeable?

why am I trying to BEAT him? well, i dont, i just want to prove to myself that i am not as hopeless as him hehahaha. because i am absolutely in that same ballpark, that i CAN truly Empathize with him. put myself in his place, cuz i’ve been there.

i mean he’s survived at Work for 2 years without having a nervous breakdown and quitting….right? and what if i’m wrong?

but yeah i would totally casually bang sluts with no rel. i dont WANT a rel with any women but HER. I WILL bang women with no committment, no luv. i will treat them in the casual way they are offering their pvssy up to be pounded by the most convenient dick. who cares. as long as i am not with her, nothing matters hahaha. well women at least. just pound the pvssy like a nihilist hedonist degenerate. thats fine and i am willing to do that if it helps me get more distance between me and HER, and gives me more confidence with women, and makes me less needy for women, or at least needy for HER.

so, if alcohol isnt gonna help you with women, i would say at least TRY using MJ as a tool to get sluts and skanks and white trash mudshark whores to give you casual secs. be like ayyy bae u wanna get h1gh ayyyyyy lets blaze it babay and then supply them with the expensive dank buds you have procured hahaha and then maybe they will throw themselves at you after they get st0ned hehehehe. of course good luck not acting WEIRD. so I would recommend that YOU not smoke so much at that time, and also take some benzos to chill you out. then just sit back like an ignra and say wahatever i dont care and give them an i dont care mentality. then you might be able to get dirty secs from dirty sluts who give it up to ANYBODY except for omega weirdo virgins who dont know how to talk 2 gurls hahaha.

so who are MEN supposed to go to for emotional support when THEY feel weak? you cant ask your wife or gf to do that, women are programmed naturally to LEAVE men who are emotionally needy like that. you have to support THEM.  give give give give give but god forbid you ever need someone to give to YOU.

really the best person a MAN can go to if he needs support like that, is his friends or family. really aint no shame for a 35 year old man to run crying to his mother, if he has that privilege.

or i heard a story about a 34 year old man with 2 young children, who himself had a cancerous lump in the testicle or something and he was understandably scared as shit, very emotional, crying, but he had to be careful not to cry in front of his wife and children, because god forbid the big strong man (he is a very big guy) looks weak in front of his wife and kids because he just found out he has CANCER. JESUS CHRIST.

i would be running crying like a baby to my mother and my bitch wife could LEAVE me if she wanted. leave you in the LURCH when you just got diagnosed with CANCER. JUST LIKE A WOMAN hahahahaha. ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. you can’t get assmad at it. NATURE programmed them that way. GOD programmed them that way. for a reason. for the reason that they are the Creators of New Life. so they can get away with being mercenaries for Strong Men, and leaving weak men with Cancer in the LURCH.

anyway. george mcfeels needs to cut his hair short and trim his beard short. the only way you can rock a long beard or long hair is if you have very strong confidence. if you don’t, it will just make you feel like more of a weirdo. believe me.

also delete any porn vidyas, AND porn pcitures, AND porn bookmarks. get rid of EVERYTHING on your computer and phone and whatever thats porn related whatsoever.

i am SO glad I did that. for a long time i had vowed against saving any files to the computer. that was one step forward, but i still saved bookmarks.

then one day i said fook this filth and deleted all the bookmarks. searched mercilessly for any and all bookmarks and baleeted them. this is what george mcfeels must do.

should he quit drinking? probably. but maybe it does give him some solace. shit sometimes I want to start drinking again! but then I think I’d much rather smoke weed hahahahaha. and also i can’t just drink alcohol. I just think about the shame of getting a damn DUI, shame for myself and family, then the thousands of dollars of fees, the god damn piss tests every week, i just never want to go through that again. the punishment was an effective deterrent in other words.

plus the 2 DUI club is alot different than the 1 DUI club. 3rd DUI is a felony and that is some bad shit. but there is a statute of limitations that is somewhat less than 10 years hehehehe.  doesnt mean the DUI’s go off your RECORD, just that you could get a 3rd DUI and have it not be a felony if its 10 years after the first hehehe.

if I were not an asshole who frequently drank and drove, and just sat and drank at home, well maybe I WOULD still be drinking. If I never got a DUI. but I was always driving after drinking. shit yeah that was stupid and downright EVIL.  that you think youre so much BETTER than everyone, that YOU can get away with this.  I really SHOULD have gotten busted a LOT earlier!

like oh ive driven with a Buzz hundreds of times, I’m pretty GOOD at it!

NOPE.

so yeah I am not worried about drinking again. I would do just about any drug rather than drink alcohol again. I would do HERON before alcohol hahahaha.

but mainly i just wanna smoke weed, but i have trouble getting it because i am an autistic lonely loner, also there’s nothing more shameful than smoking weed when you dont have a JOB hahahahaha.

i just wanna get a job fast so I can start smoking weed again SOON hahaha.

well i would also need to find a Source hehehe.

but i could and should ax this guy I see every week.

heh. you should BE THE TYPE OF MAN YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY hehehehe.

easier said than done. credit for that goes to some guy on a recent fatherland episode. I dont think it was jim or bradan, but either otto, salty seaman, or heidrich.

all good guys. even jim hahahahahahaha but jim is autistic as FOOK, i am amazed he is not a 37 year old VIRGIN hehehehe. but if he can get married and have a kid, so can ANYONE. not that he’s a bad guy and deserves a shitty wife. he’s a good guy and deserves a good wife. he’s just SO autistic and women have a REALLY hard time with the tism unfortunately. social awkwardness in general. hehehe maybe his basedwife is really UGLY hehehehehe. no i dont KNOW that.

i listened to foreveralonefeels for about 90 minutes. yeah he sounds tired and despairing but he has more of a sense of humor than i expected and was more likeable than i expected! he was not as bad as i expected! he has worked the same job for 10 years. i wanted him to talk more about that. he is 30 almost 31 now and i guess worked at the public library from age 20 onwards. which is great. i luv the library and would LUV to get a job at the liberry. I have ALERTS to email me the second there is a liberry job available because it is my kind of place.

but there is like 1 part time shelver job that opens per year in the whole state, paying 8.50 an hour for 20 hours a week hahaahaha.

shit all the liberrian jobs are part time and you need a MASTERZ degree for that. believe me i thought that might be a good masterz for me to get. but there are no liberrian jobs out there. i mean it is a SHITTY job market. SO shitty. not worth the 50 grand of getting the masterz degree. unless you are in the top 1% of your class. are you prepared to do that? be in the top 1-5%???? you better be, or you just wasted 50 grand at LEAST.

so….he doesnt give the details I think are really important. what job was he hired into? how many hours per week? job title? how much ya make? did you get ANY PROMOTIONS in TEN YEARS? you SHOULD get TWO promotions in that time at least.

so you live with your fam because you feel a sense of responsibility towards them and appreciate all they did raising you. i understand that completely. BUT do you really make enough MONEY to move out? how much money do you make now?

and I would understand if he doesnt want to say.

i guess his father is looking for a job and has been out of work a while and he goes on interviews and says the interviews go well…..and then he never hears back hehehe. kinda sounds like me. except my interviews dont go “REALLY WELL”, they just go ok. but you feel damn, they dont want to hire an OLD person who has been out of work for a LONG time. you have a STENCH about you.

i would have liked george to take more of that angle.

but he’s a pretty good guy, i would hang out with him, i was thinking about doing a Skype Talk with him ahahahahah.

took some nyquil.

anyway me and him would be good in the beta uprising. but this isnt betas. betas are normie nonvirgins with bitch wives. real neet virgins are OMEGAS hahaha.

anyway i hope he’s not a leftist atheist.

he also likes to go for walks and sometimes he tries to lose weight by going for a RUN. oh wow. good for him.

anyway i would luv to work at a liberry but its next to impossible to find a 14 dollar an hour fulltime job at a library!!! believe me, any job like that would be classified AAAAAAAA+++++++++++ and I would take an hour to make the best application ever.  how did HE get a job like that? which makes me wonder, maybe its just a mickey mouse littleboy part time 8 DAH job that he has. and thats the real reason he lives with his parents hahahahaha. cuz he makes less than 10k a year. thats not a real job!

but i dont judge that, I’ve been in similar positions. my previous job was something similar. and god how i miss it. no nervousness, no stress. but i could only get 25 hours a week and i was making like 9.75 an hour. that’s no job!!! but i loved it. I said DAMN I wish I could work at this 40 hours a week and make just a LITTLE more. like 11 or 12 bucks an hour. I would work here the REST OF MUH LIFE.

so yeah how many hours does he get, what does he make, has he ever been promoted, does he have supervisory POWER over anyone? could you imagine HIM being someone’s supervisor? itd be like ME being someones supervisor!!!!

but yeah i generally liked him and will continue listening. dont know how despairing he is, if he is taking any meds, etc.

also i have been out on “Dates” I guess with gurls. where we hung out, went to dinner, etc. but nothing like that since 2005 hahaha.

well i did hang out with one on one and go to lunch and dinner a lot of times with That Person. but they werent dates because we were not FOOKING hehehe.

its horrible how people can get so out of whack that to me, hugging or cuddling or kissing a woman is SUCH A BIG DEAL, and for some women, fooking (aka the life creation process) is NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL.

and you feel sick when the person where you hugging them would be SUCH A BIG DEAL, that same person opens their life creator to randoms and its NO BIG DEAL AT ALL.

well I don’t have proof she is being a slut like that.

also she never really DUMPED a person before!!! I was the first major dumping of her whole life!!! she was too scared to deal with it, i can’t handle this, i can’t deal with this, so naturally you shut down, run away, and avoid dealing with it. you give up.

IVE DONE THIS BEFORE, just gave up on projects and shit. but never to a person who was calling out to me.

july 10

yeah I HAVE Just Freaked Out and Just Given Up. Ran Away. It’s EXACTLY what I did to my JOB. it’s the SAME thing she did to ME.

but not REALLY. because one thing was a JOB, the other was a PERSON. PEOPLE are (in theory, and in my opinion) more important than JOBS.

also when I quit the job I made SOME attempt to TALK to them. I didnt just walk out. I had 2 meetings with managers and tried to leave in as dignified and smooth a manner as possible. not just walking out and never coming back. NO CALL NO SHOW. she NO CALL NO SHOWED on me. on a PERSON. and

PEOPLE are more important than JOBS. in theory. cuz jobs dont have hearts that you can break.

on linkedin some comment said the real unemployment rate is not 5%, its closer to 40%, but the BLS is lying with statistics, and the journalists lying. all the employment is low paying seasonal temp part time jobs.

if you look at jobs that pay the average of 28k a year, uhhh of COURSHE the average is gonna be 50% unemployment. cuz in bell curves half of all people are below the average! average is a HIGH BAR to set!!!!!

you can’t have 95% of people get to the average! then you need to move the goalposts hahahaa. set a higher average.

really MY goal is just to be average. no more, more less. make the average american income of 28k a year.  14 dollars an hour.

no more, no less.

‘man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor’

great quote from a comment on the most recent Forever Alone Feels vidya:

also some thoughts that LIFTING is about a MILLION times more effective than nofapping. will get you some easy pussy FAST. WHY ARE YOU NOT LIFTING. DO U EVEN LIFT BRO????

90 days to make something a habit. so LIFT for 90 DAYS and then you will be better. i guarantee it hehehehe.

I left him a brief comment on this vidya hahahaha. not the greatest comment. i dont think it will reach him. i agreed with a guy who recommended Fascism. Now FAF will probably be turned against Fascism, when it could help save him.

and now i cant edit it to add the shit about noporn.

oh well. i will probably give him a small dnation if i continue listening to him.

so yeah, noporn and fascism has been GREAT for me. well not great enough to get me a 14 DAH FT job or a tradwife, but i cant imagine my life without them, and i am very grateful for them.

illuminati? bilderberg group? bohemian grove? masons? come on! ITS DA J00Z, STUPID!!!!! da jooz makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE than the damn illuminati, when it comes to a Secret Society of Superpowerful Elites who Control The World.  Follow the Money to Find a bunch of superrich jooz. very simple. its not a damn CONSPIRACY. well not any deeper than one group trying to protect itself.

what kind of person lets their stupid yapping small dog outside at 4 in the morning on a sunday to bark and bark and bark so it can be heard in a 5 house radius, from 4 to 440 am? 5 minutes is one thing. FORTY minutes is another.

heh. people would PAY to make monster save more than 5 searches. so why wouldnt monster do this? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GIVE YOU THEIR MONEY BUT YOU WONT TAKE IT!!1!11!!

this type of nonsense infuriates me about companies. its just too expensive in the short term to do a project that would be ENORMOUSLY useful to your customers.

and in general its very difficult to work with your saved searches. you add them, then they dissapear, then they come back. you dont know if theyre there, or if they are working, and all you want is a damn email when company x posts a new job, which they post like 1 new job every 2 months at most. so you want to make sure yu dont MISS it. cause the company/org itself doesnt let you sign up for job alerts. because that would be too useful of a recruiting tool for them to find super motivated candidates hahahaha. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!

took 2.8 mile walk in bright midday sun on sunday to try to get max sun on pasty arms hehe.

i wonder if forever alone feels george is j00ish, cuz jooz are neurotic and emotional…..but they are also more successful and not usually virgins. he would have banged a jooish slut in college or joo camp or the JCC cuz joos are very clannish like that, its like one big incestuous family where you can bang your slutty 5th cousin removed hehehehe.

you can essentially arrange marriages and arrange jobs thru the wider jooish social network of the JCC. huhwhytes don’t have that, but they SHOULD. huhwhytes are more atomized and bowling alone, like FAF George. see “atomised” by houellebecq hahaha.

since george still drinks, I think he should ask one of these milfs out for DRINKS. then get them drunk and bang them. and of COURSH it will be disappointing. but at least get it over with. dont be like me. where you don’t have enough EXPERIENCE to pull actually DECENT women.

its a LOT easier to get rejected by worthless sluts, than to get rejected by DECENT women.

its the worst to get HARSHLY rejected by a decent woman.

of course, decent woman are more likely to try to be nice when they reject you…..but not all the time hahaha.

anyway i know george has never experienced that! and if he does, he will be sadder than he’s ever been!!

perhaps you should use Benzos as an Enhancer to other drugs. like I hear if you mix benzos and benedryl, you practically fall into a coma hahahahaha. no i am not encouraging this hahahaha. but benzos basically MULTIPLY whatever effect something else has. also benzos can make other things fatal. weird.

but yeah to a foreveralone, a mere HUG from a woman means SO much. when this means literally NOTHING to the normie women. they hug 6 gorillion people a day just to say hello or goodbye. it couldn’t mean LESS. so it’s two VERY, VERY, VERY different ways of experiencing the world. and secs is even worse, because women bring that same sense of casual, shallow meaninglessness to secs that they do to hugging.

WHY THEY GOTTA RUIN EVERYTHING. THEYRE RUINERS.

WOMEN ARE RUINERS hahahahaha.

MAN CANNOT REMAKE HIMSELF WITHOUT SUFFERING, FOR HE IS BOTH THE MARBLE AND THE SCULPTOR. 

that is so good. yes that will be a post title very soon.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/alexis_carrel.html

a quote from alexis carrel, french scientist i have never heard of. I HOPE he is not a J. well, that one quote at least is pretty huhwhyte.

heh. i am glad i am not on facebook, to see white people, white women, probably even HER, doing stupid facebook signalling about how evil and oppressive white cops are and how they deserve to be shot by black animals hahahaha. apparently thats what white people are doing “omg i can even things are really heated right now, i am scared about the way things are doing, we need to stop being so DIVISIVE and just LOVE NOT HATE and step back and LISTEN to Black Voices about Black Lives and what they are TRYING to TEACH us!!!!!”

cuz she was always anti-cop. but I wonder what she is saying about this stuff. WHOSE SIDE WILL SHE TAKE? I will never know. If I knew she were taking the antiwhite side, I would have an easier time writing her off.

but ideally, I would have been a Strong Man For Her, and Guided her down the Pro-White path, as all strong pro-white men do.

But yeah I am willing to Meet Up with Other Local White Racists. the horse is out of the barn. i have no use for spineless white cowards. who wont take their own side when the shit hits the fan. if anything SHOULD wake a person, its this police violence / police killing in dallas. Dallas should wake up a ton of white people, but it’s NOT, they’re just DOUBLING DOWN on laying down and letting themselves be killed. absolutely disgusting. i mean this is race treason. don’t be a fooking race traitor. god damn. i am sure if i were on facebook i would be TRIGGERED TO THE MOON with white Shitlibs falling all over themselves apologizing and flagellating. you’re THIRTY years old, how can you still be a stupid shitlib? Haven’t you Worked in the Real World long enough after college? but for some, nothing will EVER red pill them. also these people have probably been Professionally Successful and Middle Class ever since leaving college, so they never HAVE to be redpilled or blackpilled.

and i think i had a chance at redpilling her, that she might have been open to Race Reality, but like all women, she needs a smart strong man to guide her. and maybe some other lucky white racist man will make her his aryan waifu and have white babies with her.

but who knows. maybe she became a full black lives matter anticop antiwhite race traitor mudshark. i kinda hope she DOES, as punishment for being so cold and callous to me.

i mean i basically TRUSTED her to NOT leave me in the lurch. trusted her to give it to me straight and not leave me hanging.

its okay to be an antiracist antiwhite leftist when you are 18-21 but after 25, it is absolutely inexcuseable. a leftist after age 25, i mean a white leftist, is absolutely pathetic.

nonwhites, fine, I can totally see why they would be leftists. because the left IS antiwhite.

and white cops shooting black thugs is making whites say IM SO SORRY FOR BEING WHITE. we whites are so problematic. we must mix this original sin out of us. police DESERVED what they got in dallas. they brough it on themselves, and they are also Symbolic of Systemic Racism and how Whites Oppress Blacks with White PRivilege.

so whites double down on this shit. day of the rope for these traitors. if you’re over 25 you have no excuse.

this thread overwhelmingly suggests jcpenney over “crappy” places like mens wearhouse or jos a bank if you are wanting to get a decent suit for the Frugal Man. JCPENNEY. I am getting closer and closer.

i mean the next woman i “date” will probably be some slut who i take out for drinks to get drunk and then she fooks on the first or second date and then I do that, am disappointed and disgusted, and certainly not the type of woman i’d want for the mother of muh children! but i guess i should get as many bangs out of her as possible and maybe even try to dump the woman, so i can get experience dumping a woman hahahaha.

course many sluts will have drunken secs with you once or twice, then just avoid you altogether.

avoiding is a typically womanly way of not dealing with shit. tons of women everywhere throw men away by just avoiding them cold turkey. she is certainly not the first or the last. tons of women do this. women are TERRIBLE at actually dealing with anything.

i expected this type of childish behavior from some average trashy slut……NOT HER.

i mean she was a WOMAN who i ACTUALLY GOT ALONG WITH, and DIDNT HATE hehehehehe.

ME. the worlds biggest woman-hater, actually getting along with a WOMAN, like a human being, really WELL. can you believe it? THATS why this was so SPECIAL. THATS why you cant throw it away like trash. that, and because people and relships ARENT TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT TREAT THEM LIKE TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you do it can cause a LOT OF PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

psychic pain hahahaha. psychological damage hahahaha.

same thing with secs. yeah it can be very pleasureable (supposedly) but it also has the potential to cause a LOT OF PAIN, and also has the potential to CREATE NEW LIFE, so

BE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY CAREFUL WITH IT. CAREFUL, NOT CARELESS AND CASUAL.

CARE FULL. FULL.

this is how you have to talk to these bitches hahahaha. just totally mansplain in no uncertain terms. they NEED a man to mansplain very simple things.

yeah getting a proper suit would DEFINITELY be a good confidence booster, even moreso than getting a short haircut.

i may never have children of my own because i may never find a woman i luv who is willing to have muh babies, and yes that is sad. i mean i dont want to have babies with any white slut. well, ok i will maybe do that when I am 70 hahahaha. and i will leave a ton of videos and stuff for the children. vidyas for muh heirs haha.

but say some ugly slut falls in luv with me (hasnt happened yet, hahaha), should I just SETTLE and say this is the best im gonna get, thsi woman is WILLING to have my children, so i should do it?????

i dont WANT to have children with a woman I don’t luv the way I luved HER.

just like I dont WANT to get a masterz degree hahahahaha.

dont WANT to get a job in a call center.

I can try to support white children in other ways. like the creepy bachelor uncle who never had kids of his own haha.

besides, its very likely i’ll never make enough MONEY to take care of CHILDREN, let alone MYSELF!

so yeah feels bad man hahahaha.  no man wants to feel like half a man like that!

but yeah its a bad feel when the woman you wanted to be the mother of your children would rather suck ingra dicks than show you a shred of mercy! yeah this will take much closer to 2 years than 1 year to get over.

its already been 1 year and I can say things are WAY better! this shit youre seeing right now, THATS “WAY” better!

me whining about her in every poast and hating all women! that is actually honestly way better than it was. it really is. cuz now i am much better about applying for jobs, going to interviews, and yeah I really DO think about her a little less.

but yeah i am very cynical and hateful and nihilistic too. except for muh race and muh 14 sacred words. but i dont particularly luv white women either, other than you need them for white tradfams and white babies. but i still think they are jooed as fook, and kinda inferior. i am assmad at them. but i appeciate that they are the only ones who can make white babies, so we kinda NEED them.

women give up and run away from shit ALL THE TIME. you think I am the only person who has been dumped this way? every guy has been dumped this way, probably several times, and every woman has DONE this to a guy, probably several times.

this is how BAD women are at COMMUNICATION. they throw people away rather than communicate with them. yet they are TEXTING ALL DAY with their face in their phones. they communicate ALL DAY EXCEPT when it REALLY MATTERS, then they clam up and run away like bitches.

and my case is WORSE because we were NOT just Fooking for a few weeks after meeting on a Dating/Fooking Website. we were real friends who got along with each other very well because we had a lot in common. so yeah that makes it morally worse, and it makes the PAIN worse.

just saying hahahaha.

you shouldnt fook guys you just met. but if you offer it, dont be surprised when guys take you up on it, and dont be surprised when guys dont consider you dating material. yet STILL women will dump the guys! talk about flipping the script! and the guys are so desperate that they will consdier sluts as dating material! and then get dumped quickly after the sluts quickly offer secs!

FEMALE PROMISCUITY IS A WAY WORSE MORAL THREAT THAN G4Y SECS (pt 2)

june 11

hahahahah i just donated 1 dollar to STORMFRONT hahahahahahaha via bitcoin.

nothing wrong with stormfront even though TRS is kewler. I have spent a few hours reading stormfront in my life and I will probably spend a few more. even though they make 5000 dollars a month which is way more than i will ever make hahahaha.

now i donated 1 dollar to counter currents. i am really TAKING OWNERSHIP hahahaha in the pro-white resources I have taken from in muh life.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/an-appropriate-view-of-women-vs-mgtow-and-r-theredpill/27754/1

FANTASTIC hahahaha

http://archive.is/VaJfB

not sure if these pages can be archived

donated 50 cents to internet archive because even this is an important thing to do. even if they archive antiwhite pages. hey also archive prowhite pages.

https://web.archive.org/web/20160611171651/http://feministing.com/2016/05/03/things-that-are-sexually-ethically-weird/

hehehehe dont read this stupid and triggering article

well archives dont capture disqus comments which is unfortunately.

donated 1 dollar to tradyouth which i think matthew heimbach is still associated with. not sure how close they are to traditionalist workers party.

sheeeit anyone else I can donate to?

managed to apply for 4 jobs on a saturday hahahahaha. the county lets you apply for the same job twice. nothing like you’ve already applied for this job. you could apply for the same job, same job NUMBER, which probably is not a GUID or something like that, ie a totally unique identifier. multiple times.

applied for county job in the county MORGUE where there would be probably lots of exposure to DEAD BODIES. JEEZ.

i can investigate the white trash teenage whores who die of fentanyl OD’s hahahaha. maybe I would come across THAT WOMAN on the morgue slab hahahahahaha. no thats really not that funny. I was implying that she would get into painkillers like her white trash peers. and she never was. but with white trash, its always a risk.

i guess I could donate to MPC. or Red Ice.

is there some kind of SLPC, antifa, doxxing campaign where you try to identify who owns what bitcoin address? because people put their btc addresses online. and anyone can look up any btc transaction. including mine hahaha. and see that i have donated to daily stormer, trs, stormfront, counter currents, all pro white racist stuff hahaha.

be like hey managerz look who muh real name is donating money too hahhaha. he is a NAZI. i dont care if people think im a nazi…….unless those people have POWER over me or they can SLANDER me publicly. i dont want random people to know i am a nazi hahahahaha. when i am semi anonymous then yeah. but openly, with my real name? only if we are INTIMATE longterm friends!

or the FEDZ now have me on a LIST because they can see that I sent BITCOIN to WEEV, who the feds put in prison and I think destroyed his home? I don’t think I’d like to be Roommates with Weev, but he is a very fascinating guy and I am very glad he is on Our Side, and I think he’s gonna stay on our side. And on the off chance he doesn’t, then I will stop giving him $5 a year hahahaha.

maybe THAT WOMAN will betray me by going on the internet and saying my real name is a nazi. hahahaha. no Im not even worried. she doesnt want anything to do with me. and she doesnt CARE than Im A Natzee.  she might even be a little racist herself. i could have molded her hahahahaha. into perfect aryan waifu who had only been with 1 or 2 guys before me hahaha.

who cares, its over. it dont matter. had some nyquil hehe. average dose now is 75% of the 30 ml dose.

june 12

wow, mudslim kills 50 people in mass shooting at gay bar in orlando florida. 50 people?!?!?! just a few hours ago they were saying 20. how does it go from 20 to 50?  horry sheet. this might be a great thing and make gays hate mudslims hahahaha just as mudslims hate gays. OR there could behuge gun grab laws in florida and elsewhere, which would be bad.

” Associates Degree is about the highest level of education the hiring manager would like to consider ” hahahahahahahahahahahah thats a new one, havent seen that in a job posting yet, till now. for a job that also calls itself “entry level” ie exactly what i am looking for.

i dont understand this. do they think the bachelors degree people are a “flight risk” because theyre gonna find a better job right away? well one look at my resume will tell them I have been underemployed consistently, if not unemployed hahahaha, for the past 11 years hahahahahahaha. no flight risk here!

just for that, i will DEFINITELY apply to this one.

ok sunday. got 16 job tabs.

see, on sundays, i don’t really want to apply for any or many jobs, but i do want to look thru indeed and find the New Job Leads.

so i found 16 and then BOOKMARKED ALL TABS and saved them in a NEW FOLDER of bookmarks with the date.

i think I should use this as a way to make a “to do list” of current jobs. just find a ton of jobs, add them to that folder, and then delete the shit from the folder when I apply.

heh i increased my monthly donation to fatherland and also wrote them a message:

quote

Dear Fatherland,

Sorry for the ridiculously small and insulting d’nation. I hope to increase it as I eventually improve my situation.

I wouldn’t mind seeing more in-depth, roundtable discussion on: what is a set-in-stone dealbreaker, vs what can/should we compromise on, when it comes to selecting/vetting a wife, and evaluating her character and her past.

For example, how many N is too many? (N = Number of “partners”.) 3? 5? 10? I want to say 3-5, but I might have to be more flexible on this.

How many nonwhite N’s are too many? I really want to say 1 is too many. But say you know an outlier, a woman who’s only been with 2 guys total, but one was black.

Also, abortion. How many abortions is too many? I want to say 1 is too many, kind of like race-mixing. I am staunchly pro-life (Catholic!) and abortion horrifies and disgusts me. It’s also insidious how it is framed as a religious issue, rather than a simple issue of life and death. You don’t have to be religious in order to find abortion abhorrent!

Anyway, I think modern women are so brainwashed, they don’t even understand how their own bodies work, and they truly don’t understand the moral implications of abortion, and truly think of it as removing a clump of cells, and not murdering a human life.

For example, say the woman has had one abortion, but eventually came to understand the sin she’s committed, and repents for it, and vows never to do it again, and has arrived at a deeper, more appropriate respect of human life. In this case, I would be willing to compromise on the Zero Abortions rule, compared to a woman who got multiple abortions and just doesn’t care.

And finally: single mothers. How do we know if she’s learned from her mistakes, or not? Some men have found single mothers who turned out to be great, loyal wives, and they’ve shared their stories on the forum….but I don’t think this is the average single mother…is it?

Basically, I view sex as the Life Creation Process, and I think many women (and men) lose sight of this. They don’t have appropriate respect for life or the process that creates it!!

OK that’s enough ranting! I am just speaking as a prospective husband and father who has had to make some difficult decisions and compromises with women. How much is too much? Where should we draw the line?

Have any of you guys had to make a very tough decision about a woman’s morality and suitability, (bonus points if you were painfully dumped at the end of it, hahaha)?

Ever been dumped by a decent woman, and how was that worse than being dumped by a not-so-decent woman?

Also do you have any ideas about communication between the spouses? I am a huge fan of communication in general. Easy to say, but sometimes very hard to do. What if someone is “Stonewalling” you or giving you the “silent treatment”? And what starts off as a “cooling off period” turns into “avoiding dealing with a problem indefinitely?” I had a situation like that, and when I made a move to communicate about it and try to fix it, the woman just walked away, and I was upset she couldn’t even make an effort, couldn’t communicate.

Anyone have experience dealing with someone who just didn’t want to make an effort? You can lead the horse to water but they absolutely refuse to drink? I am willing to lead….but they have to be willing to follow too. Also, it’s good when they are willing to work with you when the going gets tough, rather than just walk away. IMHO, this is what loyalty and commitment are all about!

If you can see my real name from Paypal, please don’t dox me, hahahaha. I am blabla on the forums in case you were wondering, but please don’t mention me at all, hahaha. I prefer being very low-key. But feel free to talk about those broader wife-selecting questions on the show. No need to respond to this message either.

I have to wonder how many Fatherland listeners are aspirational, prospective husbands/fathers. I would wager a guess of at least 30%. We realize that family and children are the best way to live out the meaning of The 14 Words, and I think that’s why we like your show so much.

It is my #1 show on TRS, that’s for sure. I have listened to every episode, and I hope to listen to many, many more!!!!

end quote

the original message was longer and contained more personal information hahahaha basically regarding me and that woman. how you could really be on the fence about her because she has at least two very big strikes against her………..but still the pros probably outweigh the cons.

i guess deep down I probably wanted to have a private discussion with the men of the fatherland about That Woman and for them to reassure me…..or not. would they say well she’s just a filthy mudshark, no WAY she’s only been with 2 guys, you dodged a bullet son…..and then I’d say but REALLY. she REALLY WAS only N=2. she’s REALLY an OUTLIER here.

that, or theyd say I fooked up by being too unmasculine. what you’re HOW old? damn son you aren’t gonna have many more chances like this! better start aiming for the 30+ single mothers!

i mean its a complicated story. lot of moving parts. lots of ins and outs. lot of calculations that can be made.

i edited out a lot of the personal details. It took a lot of guts just to send them that shorter message!

because this is a complicated situation. most women who have been with black guys have been with LOTS of black guys. not just 1 out of 2 total. that alone puts her in the top 1% of mudsharks. far outlier end. she might even view it as a mistake, then LEARN from that mistake. which itself is not typical mudshark behavior. which is more like, once you go black, you dont go back hahahaha.

so i screwed up. so it was all my fault, these fine men will say. yeah well i already KNOW to be more masculine and direct in the future. plus i dont think it really was ALL my fault.

basically, even if it were ALL my fault, it wouldn’t change ANYTHING. not even the lessons learned. it would just make me feel WORSE hahahaha.

but my point is, some women you have to go into painstaking detail. normally being with a black guy is enough to automatically disqualify a woman, becuase where theres smoke, theres fire. except when there isn’t, and the woman has enough good qualities to outweigh that. and she did.

yeah well DECENT women dont DUMP men they way SHE did!

hehehe the only way i could fully MANSPLAIN MYSELF is to go on the show, and I dont want to do that. Well…in an ideal world, where I was a confident normie, I would. But at this point in muh life, I wouldn’t want to put myself out there, on that show. I would be much more willing to do a NEETCAST however. because im closer to a NEET loser than to a 1488 husbando and fathero. dadfu. dadpai. hahaha. FATHERO hahaha fatherpai fatherfu i dunno. fat hero.

you think theyre gonna grab guns in florida!!! there are some proud white gun toting rednexxxx in florida!

how many mudslims are in florida? Also this guy was born in the us! thats what I’m saying! its YOUNGER mudslims, age 20 to 30 as of 2016, that get into this! no one over the age of 40! they didn’t HAVE radical mudslims 20 years ago, they way they do now! well, they take over countries, they take over iran, pakistan, afghanistan, iraq, etc. but now its really moving into the WEST in a way it hasnt done before.

hmmmmm not sure if that message i wrote actually got sent along with my paltry dnation hahaha. oh well I can always email or message them if i really want.

technically had a dream with her in it last night. she was not in it for very long. tons of friends i have had in my life appeared. i saw her for 2 seconds and she was nice enough to me, but she was also walking away, seemed in a hurry to get away from me. kinda like the last time I ever talked to her. she was cold and distant to me the whole time and I walked her to her car and she acted like she could not wait to be rid of me. and that was it. that was the last time i talked to her in real life.  hahahaha. sad story bro. in the dream she was a little nicer but still in a hurry to walk away from me.

and THAT is how she wants to be remembered? she couldnt walk away in a LITTLE bit better way than that? couldnt even say SORRY, i KNOW this HURTS, but i can’t take it any more and have to walk away? just say something. jeez.

basically I got a bunch of tabs from looking at the days listings in indeed.  I made this my main focus for like an hour and came up with a bunch of tabs. I was gonna find all the jobs for the day and THEN work on applying to them. I “bookmark all” tabs into the indicated folder. Now I can come back to each posting later. this folder of bookmarks becomes my new to-do list which I can of course replenish when I look at the new postings every 24 hours. throw some more bookmarks in here. and then apply for as many as possible.

I then name a note in an ongoing notes file, like a journal, of the date, the 4 or 5 jobs i applied to that day, and any ideas or notes, like, i applied with The Packet this time, etc.

and then 90% of the time you get a confirmation email. move that to an “applied jobs” folder so you can get a rough estimate of how many jobs youve applied for.

I guess you can save the bookmarks too, or delete them. right now I like deleting them.

and then hopefully you start getting another round of interviews again.

but tonnes of MJ would be good for this whole stupid process. that is only overtaken in stupidity and gayness by actually working itself hahahaha.

yeah just focus dead set for 20 to 30 minutes at looking at a looooonnnggg list of 1000 jobs and determining the jobs you should apply to. when you find one just keep going, you will apply to it later, after you get done with this scanning the list task.

and once you have a list of jobs, just apply to them in a blind rage until you dont even have to think about any more and you are just moving FAST like a MACHINE. you should be able to get thru 5 pretty fast even if they are long and stupid. you will have muscle memory at which files you need to copy and paste to and from.

and some applications will be a lot quicker than others.

and as you do multiple applications with one company, it will usually save the shit you did the first time.

I also recommend making monthly donations to people or causes you support. makes  you feel like you are a vital part of it ahahahahhaa.

like i give a dollar a week to CHURCH, I should be able to give a dollar a week to people I actually LIKE, like millennial woes, or trs, or fatherland, or daily stormer. so give them each .25 a week hahahaha. im using their stuff anyway. enjoying their content and work. why NOT give them a donation.

once I adopted this mindset, I found myself becoming more generous. jsut donating to shit that I USE but dont really PAY FOR. like give a “tip” to archive.org becuase I use them sometimes and they provide a useful service. give a tiny “tip” to “the document foundation” for providing the libreoffice software that I and many others use. Im not gonna give them a LOT of money, but just a LITTLE money. I gave archive and libre 50 cents apiece for example.

and I am onyl giving 50 cents per MONTH to MW and fatherland.  prob try to do the same for TRS. giving .10 euros a week to daily stormer. its just a bunch of TINY donations which I want to do on an ongoing basis. makes me feel like a real STAKEHOLDER in the important work of important people. this is how i make a difference in the world. by making tiny donations to people who ARE making a difference in the world.

i mean Im grateful that I am PRIVILEGED enough to donate. so I SHOULD donate, eh? its kind of like tithing. Shit I give tiny donations to CHURCH anyway! a dollar a week! 50 bucks a year! why can’t I match that with 50 bucks a year to some causes I really care about? ie racist nationalists hahahahaha. so I am gonna do that.

When I actually MADE money I would give 5 dollars a week to church. And ideally I will start MAKING money and be able to give more to nationalists. people that are serious about the 14 words. people who are creating jobs for muricans hahahaha.

when TRS or daily stormer becomes a big media company in god emperor trumps new amerika, they will see I supported them, and then reward me with an entry level job making 14.88 an hour hahahahaha.

SERIOUS ISSUES DESERVE SERIOUS REFLECTION

may 13

yeah buddy. had nyquil last night, went to bed at 9 pm hahaha.

ultimately i think MJ is MUCCHHHHH better than nyquil for sleeping. the tolerance with nyquil starts IMMEDIATELY and so does the dependence, meaning, the first night without nyquil….you can’t sleep and want to tak nyquil. but if you did, you’d have to take a lot more than you did last night. its so much easier and simpler to just sm0ke MJ hahaha.

maybe theres really more transgenders than we know. maybe 50% of people are trans but they are just too scared to Come Out. well I can tell you I am not transgender hahaha. I dont really care about being super masculine, and that has indeed hurt me significantly as a man…..but I still dont want to be a woman at ALL.

also I’m not supper F4GGY. really I just seem like a sensitive, Nice, shy Straight Man, nothing more, nothing less. not flamingly feminine. i appreciate masculinity and being a man. i appreciate guns and weight lifting and testosterone and toughness and stoicism and logic and honor. these are serious man things. nontoxic masculinity hahaha.

applied for typist clerk 3 for county dept. the county always has perfect jobs for me. entry level GED shit, full time, 25-30 grand a year.

applied for that one. applied for 9 similar jobs with the county, no response on any of them. maybe my materials are missing that special it factor. I have stopped sending them txt files and started with doc files. including linkedin profile. started including 1 letter of recommendation. what the fook do they want.

someone on a nile video remarked that karl sanders looks kinda like TRUMPENFUHRER. that was hilarious and kind of true. that makes me like both guys more hahaha.  some metal idiot responded they should replace trump with sanders. karl not bernie hahahahahaha. real clever, guy.

but i also find it nice that karl sanders is 50+ years old and he is still making raging death metal. before nile he played in a “thrash” band, and the first nile demo in 1994 was not br00tal at all. so nile became MORE br00tal and extreme than they were at the beginning. and karl is 52 years old and has those nice deep death metal vocals. and he still looks good! he does not look 52 years old.

but yeah I like how they blatantly have tons of fun at their live shows rather than trying to look all tough and grim. many years later and many of the exact same albums later hahahaha karl is grinning ear to ear and knows that he is blessed hahaha. however I do hope he is a good husband and father, which is tough when you are away from home more often than not. very tough.

and i do like how he looks like a big technically fat potato. i mean at his age he really should try to lose a little weight hahaha. but he still looks happy and healthy and he’s not grossly obese or anything. he’s just… a little fat. he certainly has the charisma and personality to pull an attractive woman however.

well its nice to have a mancrush. nice to have a womancrush too hahahaha.

for me it helps a lot in approaching niles music to imagine big jolly karl sanders playing it. without that, the music sounds kind of ridiculous just like the negative reviews so succinctly put it. riff cramming, style over substance, obnoxious, boring, hahahaha.

also the guy is white as hell. he is so white he is almost albino and his hair remains ridiculously blond in his old age.

just a great guy. well, i hope he is. i hope he’s not a degen alcoholic or something. plus constant touring is not really the greatest lifestyle. he certainly has a NEAR OCCASION to sin with sluts and drugs. hopefully he doesnt.

might try their 2015 album, hear it is a little rawer? less click clacky?  i dunno. but it would be worth listening to whilst doing my 2.5 mile jog eh?

great entry to my what to say in interview file:::

may 13 2016

When you go to mechanic, its because you don’t have the knowledge, skills, and tools to diagnose, understand, and fix the problem with your car. you trust that you are bringing your car to skilled, trained professionals who know what they are doing. Now imaging you were hired by that mechanic into their job. Now the curtain is lifted and the great and powerful oz is revealed to be no different that you. The expert is no different from the customer.

it would be difficult to get away with this in the auto repair industry, although we might see some parallels in tire shops and oil change shops and other low-level price-point service shops which don’t require ASE-certified mechanics.

we can easily imagine the customer’s perspective here, of using a mechanic who doesn’t seem to know what they were doing. You would be frustrated at the company and rightfully want to speak to a manager. You would lose faith in the company. You would wonder, rightfully, what’s the difference between this and just doing it myself? I am paying for expertise and skilled labor. If I wanted unskilled, amateur service…..I’d try to fix my car myself.

It’s harder to put yourself in the shoes of the mechanic in that situation. But when you are a new employee being thrown in to the deep end, that is what it feels like. You feel like you simply don’t have the knowledge and skills to do what your customers are asking you to do. You feel in over your head and totally unprepared and unprofessional.

In this case you need to stay calm and teach yourself as much as possible, and sacrifice your personal time to get up to speed, power through the learning curve, hit the ground running, and be able to provide real value and skill for your customers and your company.

it also helps to have experienced colleagues who can sign off on your work and advise you once in a while…..however you must not use them as a crutch, because they will not always be there for you. you have to take initiative and learn your job inside and out, so you can work independently and not have your hand held. you have to figure out solutions on your own and have an inquisitive, curious nature to find out the answers to your question. This may involve reading, research and study outside of your shift. You have to be willing to do the reps in order to gain the muscle. You have to be willing to do the HOMEWORK in order to do well on the EXAMS.

END///////

pretty sweet eh.

I was getting the oil change and thinking, why dont I just do this myself. you think some 18 year old Lube Tech making 10 DAH knows any more than I do? they probably just threw him out there on his first day and said ok start changing oil. and he had no more knowledge or experience than I have.

but then the mechanic came in and said come out here i wanna show you something, ok heres an impact bubble on this tire which is not on the other tires. he’s some corrosion on the battery terminal which you can scrub out with some coca cola. a lotta places might not tell you this stuff, but I believe that honestly isn’t just the best policy…..ITS THE ONLY POLICY. and he looked deadly serious. he is either the most evil crooked bullshitter on the face of the earth, or, he was just as serious and principled as I am. “I agree completely” I told him, and thanked him for his transparency. because i do agree. that is the same way I would try to do my job. I dont want to bullshit people, I dont want to hide shit. I want to share knowledge and make sure everyone is on the same page.

this gave me confidence and faith in that mechanic, and in the business as a whole. I wouldnt want to patronize a business that had untrained kids doing stuff. I will pay more to get competent, trained technicians.

OTHERWISE I WOULD JUST DO IT MYSELF.

This was the feeling I got every day in my job: “I have no clue, why are you asking me? oh wait. its my JOB to fix this. well I dont know any more than this caller. they MIGHT AS WELL TRY FIXING IT THEMSELVES. I don’t have any special knowledge or training that they do. they have used the program more than I do. I don’t even KNOW what theyre talking about, how am I supposed to FIX this?”

i did not like that feeling hahahahaha. at all.

these people wanted help, and i wanted to help them, and helping them was  TECHNICALLY my job, but I didnt know how to help them, and I couldnt get great help on how to help them, meaning often peopel didnt really get helped. but as long as everything was documented and metrics were met, that’s all that mattered.

my female friend didnt want to give me moral support and she was not able to give me technical support. her response was to laugh sheepishly with her cute little laugh and say idk just go with the flow dont worry so much.

so I looked elsewhere for moral support and technical support and found some very competent smart men I felt comfortable Talking Shop with. thank GOD for them! like me, they wanted to really fix problems and really know how to fix shit and help people. the buck stops here. i am the same way. i will go all out to help people and i dont like when the company stands in the way of that.  time is money goy tick tock. youve been on this call for 21 minutes, is everything all right?

and sometimes you WANT to escalate it but are getting pushback…..and other times you WANT to figure it out but the problem is just that weird.  either way it results in a long call which will get you noticed by Quality.

and then the whole department was shut down to Cut Costs and DOZENS of GREAT people are permanently out of a job and the tier 1 operations will likely be outsourced to the same vendor they were already bringing in………(but still americans thank god, just even worse trained than we were)…..and the company employees who call in for service will NEVER KNOW. Well, unless an old school tech TELLS them: you know they closed a center so those good people you got last year? theyre all gone, never to come back. if you call in with any issue, the tier 1 person you speak to WILL be a third party vendor contractor. 100% chance, not just a 70% chance hahahaha.

why not outsource everything? its like the EMR tech support company who outsourced their hiring to the temp agency because they couldnt “get good enough people on their own”. the temp agency who wanted to hire me in for 17 bucks an hour, at the very poorly reviewed call center, where the very few people who had been around for 2 years, were actually started in at 12.50 and havent gotten any raises, and are understandably upset at the new people who make much more.

this is kinda weird, usually its the other way around. keep cutting and cutting the wages for new hires, not RAISING them.

i dunno. if i had more confidence, like SHE does, then I woulda had a much easier time saying yes to that job. I wish I had as much confidence as her hahaha or any normie.

goddam cvnt!!! how can she be so irreplaceable to me but i am so replaceable to her! same thing with the other cvnts! looks like they are more replaceable than I thought they were! just like every other cvnt hahahaha. but really. anyone that knows and has ever appreciates me, KNOWS that I cannot be replaced. only women have ever treated me like that hahaha.

heh. maybe she realizes that I am irreplaceable….. but she still wants to be done with me anyway.

Just like how I appreciate that all the friends I used to have that I drifted away from, I knew they were irreplaceable too.

so they weren’t important enough for me to care?

well that sounds terrible. well its A LOT DIFFERENT when you drift apart vs something like this.

so….either i did something so abonimably obscene and unforgivable that me begging im sorry im sorry please forgive me please respond would get me nothign……… or she was scared and overwhlemed and ran away forever like a scared animawish she’d come to her senses after some time has passes however. l. which sounds more plausible.

i just wish she would have come back AFTER she was done being scared and overwhelmed, and jsut sent me a message trying to do the right thing. like wait a month, even two months, and take 5 minutes to shoot off an email saying Im sorry for running away, i just wanted to say sorry and have a good life, we had a good friendship and i understand if you got feelings for me, i guess it just happens sometimes. when i am pretty, AND nice, AND not a whore hahahahaha.

i mean really. she should have guys falling in luv with her left and right. she is pretty, AND young, AND really nice, AND not a whore. every guy she meets should be falling in luv with her. maybe they do and she is just too oblivious. or maybe she just tries really hard to ignore and avoid it hahahaha.

i mean the only men who wouldnt like her, are the ones who deliberately like Huge Sluts. Really Slutty and Bitchy gurls. some guys do. they don’t like nice sweet gurls. and they dont like gurls who dont dress or act like sluts. they wouldnt like her then.

but i am so not one of those guys. I like nice sweet gurls, and who dont dress or act like sluts. no surprise that I fell in luv with her then.

well I have to go to the fat club here and burn 1000 calkories.

 

 

 

ITS NOT OPTIMISM, ITS DESPERATE DENIAL / DUMP HIM BECAUSE IDK LOL

928

ok did a 4.2 miler.

shit. after this maybe i could have casual sex. like if some slut came up to me right now and said bangme id say ok, but it is physically impossible for me to get feelings with you. even if you the greatest most luvable woman in the world. wouldnt matter. its gonna take me at least a year to have feelings for ANYBODY. i still want her and only her. she was a big deal to me. i cant notice anything else. i would just be using you as fook meat to get over her. i am completely emotionally UNAVAILABLE and will be for a WHILE.

and then the gurl would say fine me too what you thought i had feelings for you lol we are just having secs, dont you know, its 2015 now, whenever you first have secs with a new partner of COURSE theres no feelings, NO FEELINGS IS ASSUMED! doncha know that feelings only come after like 6 months of banging……if ever, and they probably dont happen at all! so just chut up and bangme! and then i would. and make vidyas of it too.

ok. so you are supposed to remember the bad times, not the good times. if the good times lasted, then you would still be in the rel. if they still luved you. if they wanted to work it out. they would still be with you.

of course she never really luved me! god damn it will be ruff when i have a Real Actual Relship that ends where i have the First Major Longterm Monogamous Rel, complete with dating and cuddling and sleeping over and spending holidaze together and meeting the friends and families and spending every weekend together and both persons Acknowledging the other as their Monogamous Partner In a Rel, and saying I Luv U etc……….

…….and then THAT person stops luving me and dumps me hahahahha. ie the First Major Longterm Monog Rel Breakup that Normalfags have around age 18 or so hahahaha, which kicks off a decade of Casual Sex Hookups in their 20s.  shit THAT breakup is gonna damn KILL me! i didnt DATE this woman!

how could i have prevented this?

talked to her in october and september when i was first starting to get feelings. i should have said “uhhh i think i am getting some weird feelings for you. something is happening, im not sure what. maybe it has to do with your secret boifran. why dont you tell me about him. and could you ever have feelings for me. damn this is weird this is happening now.”

or i could have talked to her in july when i wasnt sure of her feelings for me, and said “this niceness, what does this mean? do you like me? do you have a boifran? if you ever get feelings or just feel confused, talk to me immediately and i will do the same.”

it is very painful to think of her having casual secs with guys she just me. and she WILL be doing it. damn. bbbbut for me, secs with her would have been SO SPECIAL and had so many feels. yet she just gets plowed by random guys, no feels anywhere to be found.

yeah the pain is just ridiculous. the thought you knew somebody and then you didnt know them AT ALL. how could you be SO WRONG about something that mattered so much to you? what else are you completely wrong about in making Big Life Decisions, or in judging people who are your friends, your good friends, your “closest” friends, your Lovers, the people you trust?

anyway it was good, but near the end it was really, really bad. it was worse than i thought. because when i got mixed messages, i only focused on the “good” part, disregarded the bad mixed part.

its like i said. subtlety is lost on those desperately in luv who desperatly want to save the rel. they will not understand subtlety, they will ignore mixed messages. there is a huge filter where you look at things that support your Optimism hahaha that she luvs you, or at least she wants to work this out, or at least Oh No this ISNT the end. when it totally is.

yep near the end we were really LIKE STRANGERS. she never wanted to hang out or talk with me. come on. thats all the proof you need. yet i took her willingness to have Small Talk with me at work, or to respond to my texts, as yep, we still ahve a friendship. otherwise she wouldn’t respond to my texts! in a halfway polite/nice way! cuz even that was totally alien to me.

i think she was responding to me just because she was generally a nice polite person and couldnt bear to just ignore me completely, like a common hook up slut hahaha. but its interesting that even the most pessimistic person, me, would be OPTIMISTIC about there being a chance.

well, its probably because we are SO DESPERATE. its not really OPTIMISM; its just that the Grim Reality is SO HORRIFYING that you HAVE to be in CONSTANT DENIAL. and then it all comes crashing down and you are KILLED for MONTHS.

yeah gonna do another 4.2 miler hahaha.

i bet she is at least somewhat affected by this. maybe she misses the good times too. well FOOK thats exactly what i wanted to bring back!!! in my desperate begging emails, i said we could get the good times back with a little communication!

well i wasnt wrong, but you need WILLINGNESS too. thats what LOVE is basically, is WILLINGNESS. I WANT to do this. we might communicate, but if she doesnt WANT to be muh Monogamous Longterm Gurlfran, then no amount of communication will make her want to be.

but that doesnt mean communication is worthless! it would have saved me a few MONTHS of pain i’m sure! and that is a big deal!

maybe it could have even saved me muh job.

but months of pain would be okay too, because the amoutn of pain you can suffer in one short month is RIDICULOUS. in a single day ever. its a damn MIRACLE i did not K myself! every day I do not K myself is a damn MIRACLE!!!!!

i heard this one expert say youre not supposed to talk to your family before you dump somebody, becuase they might influence you to do something you dont really want to do.

did another 4.2 miler.

anyway supposedly its okay to talk to your shrink/counselor/social worker whatever. but your family and friends are too….biased? they might tell you dont dump him, he’s so nice and good, when the hamster in your guts tells you dump because idk lol. he doesnt give you tingles. and that should override your damn family being a voice of reason! i dont know.

i say talk to your family baby! i told her to talk to her family. cause i thought her fam would back me up hahaha. i thought they would be a voice of reason. oh hes a great guy you should not throw him away like garbage. you dont ahve to date him but dont do him like this, you will break his poor heart. and boy did she ever! worst pain ever!

anyway yeah i could have communicated better but it never would have given her feels for me.

and she dumped me i didnt dump her. thats for DAMN sure.

things were SHITTY  for at least five of the ten months i had feelings. this distancing was her ending HER stake in the relationship. she was pulling out and was a solid 5 to 8 months ahead of me. she had already accepted that it was over. i am only just getting there. and i STILL want her back. it will take a LONG time get past that.

what else.

yeah if i EVER have another female friend, i am gonna be CAREFUL. i am gonna watch for feelings like a HAWK. shit i will try to force myself to get feelings right away. i will endeavour to think of her as a Sexual Being RIGHT AWAY. i will keep her In The Loop. If she has a boyfriend i will say, errrr doesnt this make him jealous? are you happy? why dont you break up with him so we can date? no dont CHEAT on him. oh, you were WILLING to cheat on him? well i know all i need to know then. so lets fook and i know never to be monogamous with you or get feelings, CHEATER.

i will say, listen sweetie, last time i had a female friend, it started out very good, but it turned out very, very, very bad, and i just cant survive another one of those.

then i will tell the story. and say thats why feelings can be a big deal. so if i get feelings i will tell you, and you do the same. if either of starts getting any feelings or any confusion about feelings, we have to talk about it right away. maybe we should try making out. or fooking. maybe that will start the feelings quicker. cuz my first thought with the past woman was yeah it would feel a little weird.

well after a short month of really THINKING about it, i concluded it WOULDNT BE WEIRD AT ALL, and i was in full blown luv with her, and we had not talked about it at all. then the shit hit the fan 10 months later.

shit go for a MORMON gurl. they are like christian gurls, BUT they dont turn into HUGE sluts the moment they turn 18. well, some of them do. but not as many. mormons. i wish i could have the faith and work ethic and the happiness of mormons. they are successful, nondegenerate, and have large loving families, and non slut women. there is a mormon church “meeting house” within 10 miles of where i live, i am SURE there si one near you too. also mormons believe in JESUS CHRIST. its jehovahs witnesses that are the REALLY fooked up ones youre thinking of. mormons are NOWHERE NEAR as bad as jehovahs witnesses, who might be as bad as scientologists.

took a 60% nyquil to get tired for 12 hours.

nyquil is SUPER POWERFUL. a 100% dose will make you sleepy for 20 hours, which if you are a working man, you will be Fired for not Peak Performance. you will get a one on one meeting telling you to Work Better. i cant give any pointers beause i dont know how to do your INSANE COMPLICATED CONFUSING JOB, just stop making mistakes or youre fired.

i knew a mormon girl in college, well i fell i luv with her as a matter of fact! and by age 21 she had been with very few men, maybe even a virgin. it was also possible she was an asexual lesbian! anyway she became very successful in life and is way out of the league of a loser like me hahahaha. she makes 50 DAH saving the world from rich white men hahaahah.

well actually she probably only makes 25DAH in her world, but she takes the big pay cut becuase shes making a difference in the world and fighting the patriarchy. probably took a bunch of dicks by now or became a hateful lesbian hahaha. if she contacted me i might go out with her hahahaha. she prob still looks good. but im sure she looks older. she is not 21 any more thats for sure!!!!!

so yeah my woman is not likely to come back. SHE is the one who CHOSE to end it!

i woudl have been real good to her. better than any man had ever been, even her long term boifran. but noooooooooooo. and she would have lifted me up a lot, given me a lot of energy to hopefully do something with my life, get energized, get some direction, become a winner. become less of a nihilist. but noooooooooooo.

you have to walk 35 miles a week to lose 1 pound per week hahaha. you burn about 100 calories for 1 miles of walking. it takes 3500 calories to burn a pound of fat. therefore, 35 miles = ONE pound hahahaha. now you see how hard it is to lose weight hahahaha.

still easier than getting a living wage job or an attractive gurlfran hahahaha. this is why most men have shitty jobs and date/marry ugly women hahahahaha.

“neveah”, heaven spelled backwards. people actually name their kids this. DAMN. you do not need to be INTELLIGENT to BREED. but you really SHOULD.

i mean damn. my super intelligent seed NEEDS to be spread!

but i also have mental and emotional probs and am not tall, probably have no tall genes in me. super beta, but very smart. not ugly either. when i was young i was good looking and smart enough to pull attractive women. briefly hahaha. and not win their feelings hahahaha.

my AK got beat by this guys A2. he went all in, i called, i fear he migth have AA, but he beat with AA22 and I just had AAxxx. wiped out. decimated. cleaned out. damn.

OCCAMZ RAZOR: THE EZ WAY OUT

94

yeah buddy. did a 2.8 miler.

WANT/INTEND To get about 4 months ahead here.

there was definitely a few months where i didnt write as much, and there was important stuff happening there, with muh job getting out of control, muh “rel” with the woman totally falling apart and dying but me struggling to Save It.

well actually i was making Voice Recordings Erry Day hahaha so.

well it is not that i cannot form rels with people, i am not a total sociopath.

i can even form long term rels with WOMEN! they just dont end well hahahahaha.

well thru NO FAULT OF MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to end it well, i literally BEGGED her, “PLEASE LETS END THIS WELL, I KNOW WE CANT FIX IT BUT LETS AT LEAST END IT BETTER, WITH NO HARD FEELINGS”

nope. she was not able to do that. maybe she was too scared.

it was just EASIER. all it is is EASY WAY OUT. Never talking again was EASIER than talking.

also if i Put Myself in her position, of some Creepy Guy always wanting to hang out, then i can see that she Came to be so Annoyed by me, that she just would rather i disappear, that i wasnt WORTH talking to.

which IS kinda shitty because i wasnt just some random creepy guy who was Orbiting her from the start. it is like she totally FORGOT we were FRIENDS. THAT part bothers me.

its ok if i immediately came Creeping on her from the very beginning. but i didnt. not because i was HIDING IT, but just because i didnt FEEL it. I didnt WANT to. i knew she was a cute gurl but i felt BANGING her would ruin the good friendship we had, plus i didnt really want to GO OUT with her.

but then after a while I DID want to GO OUT with her, I slowly moved All In. and then i wanted to Bang her as PART of that Going Out. Meaning, a Loving Monog Rel.

might need to do another 2.8 miler again. thinking about her again.

ok did one of those. great.

95

yeah. it is painful when somebody likes you and then they just dont like you any more. well its your fault because you started like liking them.

basically to have something and lose it. might actually be worse than never having anything at all hahahaha contrary to the popular saying.

took nyquil yesterday at about 6 pm, crashed into a few naps from 7 to 9 or so, then went to bed, sleeping till like 930 am, i know i had some dreams but nothing with the woman, so thats good.

should i blame myself for not noticing that she had “checked out 100%”?

NO, because though it was obvious there was DISTANCE, i didnt think she had “checked out 100%”, and i fully believed that with a little work and talking, we could at least smooth over the hard feelings. i couldnt make her like me but we could end things on better terms.

and i thought this because she was still nice to me sometimes, and i knew she had some personal issues that were taking up her attention. no, if she had “checked out entirely”, she wouldnt be talking to me AT ALL. and of course that eventually ahppened, and signalled The End Of It All.

so did that mean she was checked out entirely, or not???!?!?!

i have been obsessing about this so much for so long i cant even think logically about it any more. just totally and completely burnt out on thinking abo. i mean i CANT know if i cant talk to her……. and i will obviously never talk to her again.

i mean OBVIOUSLY i SHOULDNT be thinking abotu this at ALL because im NEVER gonna reach any conclusions because i cant talk to her.

i guess if i really wanted to play DETECTIVE i could talk to her friends and family so they can tell me what she is really thinking hahahaha. but that would be super weird and creepy.

how would that benefit me? then i would REALLY look like a psycho; and they would simply tell me she doesnt want to talk to you, stop being a psycho. i would learn nothing new.

she doesnt want to talk to me; that much I DO know; and she is PROBABLY doing it because its the Easy Way Out. that i dont KNOW per se, but its Occams Razor, and the ODDS favor that explanation.

so yeah 1 to 2 months Deep In The Action, i am starting to….not get “perspective”, but perhaps get some “distance”. I am not desperately clutching the rosary at night or needing to have the rosary actually wrapped around my hand in order to get to sleep. not to say that desperately begging GOD and MARY for MERCY is a BAD thing.

i guess i am more accepting that it is OVER.

i still want her to come back of course.

and i have thought about it so much i dont know whats what any more. i am just totally confused and burnt out and now i just want to go for the easiest explanation, which, per occams razor, is most likely to be the correct one anyway:

  1. she clearly doesnt return muh feelings. if she liked me even a little bit, she would have DONE SOMETHING.
  2. she is taking the path of Worst Karma because it is EASIER. it is a fight or flight reaction to being overwhelmed. just do nothing.

the end.  go the next chapter.

fook yeah its a disappointing ending! fook yeah i would have liked having a nice gf for the first time ever! and to have those physical things combined with the emotional feels! to do the things that so many guys will do to her and it will just be casual for everyone damn.

i bet our Long Term Friendship DID mean something to her, and it DID hurt her to lose it. but it was easier for her to do nothing and run away, rather than have Uncomfortable Conversations. she was too overwhlemed by that and is a classic confrontation avoided. plus she wasnt in luv with me, so she didnt want to keep me around anyway. not that i wanted to STAY around if she didnt reciprocate feels, but i DID want to have a Mature Conversation about them.

its nto even like she was too immature to have a mature conversation. she was willing to have mature conversation with her Lovers. just not with Friends who want to become Lovers. well i say thats another step in Emotional Maturity hahahaha. because A Heart is gonna still get broken.

but yeah i was Dancing Around Topics even BEFORE i fell in luv with her. the Luv started in October, but i was Dancing as early as july or so, because i was Uncomfortably Asking Her About her New Boifran, or if she had any feelings for me, and it was EASIER to not say anything at all. similar to what she did to me hahahaha.

shit i could have wrote her an email if i was too chickenshit to talk!

so thats the lesson i learned. never dance around shit like that.

i stopped getting Energy Drinks because i put a sprinkle of SALT in with my pot of Iced Tea. it also has about 3 to 4 heaping tablespoons of Sugar in there for Carbs and so I dont puke if i drink the tea on an empty stomach like i often do first thing in the morning.

SALT apparently has electrolytes that keep you hydrated hahahaha.

note that i just put like 1 teaspoon into a whole bigass pot.  not so much that you can TASTE it! that would be quite gross.

but yeah i am not begging for mercy nearly as much, shit doesnt seem AS horrifying.

it is not AS horrifying when i go to bed and when i wake up. i know its over.

very importantly, i can listen to music once again. i can even listen to this one artist i had trouble with, because SHE liked him too.  and we had some emotional expriences (for ME at least!) involving this artist. i thought i would not be able to listen to his music for like a year. well now i can listen to him in under 2 months hahahaha.

also before i had trouble listening to any music. when i would go out for powerwalks i just could not bring myself to listen to music OR listen to muh podcasts.

now i regularly listen to both music and podcasts on muh powerwalkjogs. so that is a big improvement.

i still obsess about her all day erryday but it is getting cloudier and fuzzier. like the b never existed hahahaha.

its sad really. it is sad. i was ready to spend muh life with her. make sacrifices. but she certainly was not willing to make any sacrifices for me!

it was classic unrequited luv but in the first degree. played out and ended as badly as humanly possible. well for me at least. and i am angry at her for not taking little steps which would have spared me a ALOT of pain. just because it was EASIER for her and she was overwhelmed. well i was overwhelmed too. and the job was overwhelming as fook. and she was always a bitch to me when i asked for help. never wanted to help me. yet i was technically smarter than her. but muh anxiety and because the job was SO CHAOTIC AND CONFUSING it would drive anyone crazy. except someone who didnt care about sounding like an idiot.

well i really cared about sounding like an idiot. and i hated bullshitting all day and essentially lying to people or just pretending and faking. she could have given me better moral support. you didnt need to be smart or competent at the job to give moral support, you just had to be willing. i was willing to give her tons of moral/emotional support but she didnt want it. didnt want to take it OR give it. didnt want ANYTHING to do with me.

why would i want anything to do with someone who didnt want anythign to do with me?

because i thought she cared a LITTLE bit, somewhere deep down.

and MAYBE she DID! it was just easier to Shut Down rather than DO anything for her.

oh well life goes on. and then you remain a loveless bachelor for the rest of your life. until you “sell out” and “lower your standards” for Single Momz.

well some single Momz still look good!

but you are an omega male and will not be able to pull one of them hahahahah. only Ugly Single Momz 4 U, or nothing at all.

well i will take nothing. maybe once i get a job i will get a hooker. i could buy a good looking hooker at least and then we would BOTH know What This Is.

YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WAS!

No I Didnt hahahaha.