sept 11

heh. not to insult the old friends of mine who are unfortuantely, sadly leftist, but……. i just remembered something that happened on our recent reunion that made me shake my head and told me that there was no hope in trying to Turn these people hehehehe.

basically it was simple, just talking about LB Johnson and how he was such a old school white racist who wanted segregation for blacks. it didnt matter that he was huge democrat and the great society and that he might have done more than any one president to turn our once great nation into a marxist progressive antiwhite disgrace. immigration, welfare, etc. they touched on this, but were like, YEAH BUT he was also a huge old school white racist from texas. he wasn’t a real modern democrat….even though he probably did more SJW shit than any modern democrat. all they saw was an evil white racist.

basically they should be worshipping this guy like he was the next MLK! but no, all they see is a white racist!

because he simply LOOKED LIKE a white normie from texas! just a masculine white man with a texas twang. never mind that his policies opened the door to giving BILLIONS to nonwhites!

really I should have said, YEAH BUT dont you think you’re underestimating the effect of the great society? i mean really, isnt LBJ the greatest person for Civil Rights since MLK? do you really think thats fair just to write him off as an evil white racist? he really wasnt old school at all!

i was just caught off guard by the ridiculousness of it, and also my communication skills were compromised by MJ!

and yet these are decent, moral white people parroting this nonsense!

they cant get past LBJ looking like a FOOKING WHITE MALE to realize the pretty obvious truth that he was a YUGE SJW and pretty much sentenced the white race to death hahahahaha. the fact that he has a twangy accent and wasnt a Marxist Community Organizer is enough for them!

and ultimately he went to do one of the single biggest Marxist Actions our country has ever seen!

doesnt matter, cuz he LOOKS like a traditional white family man. so somehow he was a “conservative democrat”. wtf???????

you could not have a more marxist prez if KARL MARX had been prez!!!!!!!!

why the hell would they signal against LBJ of all people?

because in their mind, he represents Traditional Old School White Racists.

EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in hindsight I should have probed on this absolutely ridiculous discussion, but again, MJ makes me unable to have even simple small talk.

oh and LBJ probably owned a GUN too. he was the type of guy to go HUNTING. and he probably didnt want his daughter to be a race mixing slut. what a racist sexist woman hating black hating bigot racist.

they cant look past these tiny details to see the YUGE OBVIOUS LASTING LEGACY of LBJ!!!!!!

Maybe i am OVERESTIMATING LBJ and the great society pogams in particular.

i mean im sure there were tons of marxist j’s advising him.

hmmmm i have found the new evalion hahahahahah

i bet this channel will be shut down by the time this post posts.

well after 1 minute of inspection she seems less slutty than evalion, but she does have crazy eyes!

not gonna get my hopes up too much here.

but I would wager that shes taken less cox than evalion and might be a better wife and mother.

gonna try to manage expectations tho.

i guess she already did an interview with sinead. i hope sinead does not latch onto her and turn her into even more of a psychopath.

i would feel a lot more comfortable if she (crusader gurl) were doing this with her father or something. what does her father think of all this?

it feeeeels really weird and wrong for very young gurls to get on the frontlines of a very real ideological war. just like with Combat, women SHOULDN’T be doing this. you can support your father or husband or brother who is doing it. make white babies with your white husband. maybe make videos about how awesome being a mother is. and cool it with the hitlers and the swastikas. they make you look like a shill hhahahahahaha.

men can do that, women cant. and even most men dont fathom what theyre getting into when they do that. i say, err on the side of caution and dont go full 1488 until you know exactly what youre getting into. like me hahahaha. and even i dont post hitlers and swastikas. it just looks fishy when a 17 year old gurl on the internet does.

girl on the internet syndrome. beware.

maybe do a show with your strong white boifran. or father.

i should really write to her and try to become her handler. i mean women can REACH alot more people than men. she can get 1000 subscribers in a day where it would take a guy a YEAR. people pay a lot more attention to young purty wimmin. so, tread carefully. she is gonna be under a TON of scrutiny, like evalion, and it didnt take long for evalion to be shut down and probably discredited.

and yes their secs lives ARE relevant, because you want a person with GOOD CHARACTER.

and really….yeah its nice to see women getting into this stuff, but I have NEVER heard something explained MORE profoundly or powerfully by a woman than by a man. NEVER. in other words, a man can ALWAYS say this stuff more persuasively. More Better, hahahahaha.

but the women get more initial views.

and im sure part of it is me being Lonely for a Woman that is Against Race Mixing.

here’s a fun game for you: test women you meet by getting them talking about idris elba or denzel washington. I reckon the MAJORITY of them will take the bait and say DAYUM WHAT A SEXY MAN. MMM HMMMM. I WOULD SUCK HIM OFF RIGHT NOW. I WOULD FOOK HIM ALL NIGHT AND LET HIM BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

this is a blatant signal that the woman is open to race mixing.

the ideal woman would get uncomfortable talking about secs, would not say anything publicly, then in private, would tell you shes just not into black guys.

just look for any remark where a white woman talks about a black guy being Handsome or Secsy.

if you’re against race-mixing, you JUST WOULDNT DO THAT.

I never talk about how nonwhite women are good looking! because I honestly dont care! I DONT WANT TO RACE MIX!!!!

well there are a couple jooish and maybe indian women i would bang. but they would probably stink like curry!

and also i have fully thought through the implications of having children with them, and that is something i would never want to do!

but yeah, its just not the DOMAIN of cute innocent doe eyed 16 year old gurls to be talking about this stuff!!!!!

KIND OF like how its not the domain of innocent little gurls to be huge cvm guzzling sluts!

well….i say kind of because those are two VERY different things.  i’m just trying to say that young gurls are JUST TOO INNOCENT for this kind of stuff. it’s TOO MUCH for them. it’s not RIGHT for them to be in it.

kind of like a woman forgoing being a wife and mother so she can be a damn CEO.

it’s just not her natural place. its weird and wrong.

so yeah i hope this gurl acts honorably because its SAD to see a qt innocent young white gurl be a DUMPSTER FIRE. just do what michelle k did and Resign. or do what the truth will live did and stop youtube but just do twitter only.

of course TTWL is 100% jooish. but uhhhh she was really qt and had great alt right ideas and was converting to Catholic. real interesting case.

but yeah its DISTRACTING unless you have your OWN alt right waifu. and probably most waifus could be MADE alt right with your firm, fair guidance.

this crusader gurl looks like a purer, more innocent, lower number gurl than evalion, and i dont want to see another young white girl turn into a dumpster fire for the whole internet to see.

dont look for a gurl with political opinions. find a gurl with basically no political opinions, but who has deep moral opinions about not being a slut, about not fooking blacks, about not murdering her babies. that’s all you need. and finding that will be difficult enough!

heh i am actually tempted to write this girl a message because she might actually read it now, rather than 2 weeks from now, when she has EXPLODED in popularity.

well, sinead has probably already told her how horrible TRS is.

basically TRS needs to take this girl under their wing and use her as a TRS propaganda person. TRS are good, strong, smart men. I trust them hehehe.


also i saw some bitch saying that its normal for a 30 year old man to take only 6 months to get over a 2 year relship. yeah maybe if you are some sociopath who just views people as bags of meat, BITCH!

loveshack has like 1700 people on it right now, relship forums has like 400 tops. go with loveshack. i am looking for something with a LOT of people.

plus they have a great subforum that is all about That Gray Area where you might be becoming more than friends, or wanting to.

yep the big 400th job app.  next it will be the big 500th hahahaha.

How to Choose a Wife in a Feminist Society by PA

good blogger, i should directly link to him, got a good alt right racist white mind. i just dont want anyone to know i link to them. go look at his blog and give him a dollar hahahaha.

twitter can be fun sometimes

oh yeah this one was florian geyer. well he doesnt really use it. and his NRx blog only has 2 posts. i was looking to try to find the origin story on this guy cuz i like him. he is great. he is very smart and very funny and will be a great priest but he should have some keeids tho.

here is a guy that is on the fatherland sometimes, seems like a real good guy, and he does a pro family podcast with his WIFE. should prob check that out at some point.

sept 12

welp, was very decisive about getting a haircut today, even though probably didnt really NEED it…..but previous i usually waited TOO long, and today i just wanted to be decisive and get a haircut fairly earlier than last time, PLUS whenever i get a haircut, it boosts confidence, so, really no risk, high reward. waited 66 days this time, 9 weeks or so. this isnt TOO early, I dont think.

had ridiculously disturbing dream with HER in it and it just gets worse. i was bitching at her like  a little bitch, please stop avoiding and ignoring me, just hang out with me already, don’t dump me LIKE THIS, and getting really bitchy and passive aggressive about it, then she was like FINE. FINE. what do you want from me. and then she got up on this ladder or lege or something about 14 feet off the ground and dove headfirst into the ground, grotesquely breaking her own head and neck. absolutely horrifying. that’s not what i was asking for!!!!!! i just wanted to sit down and have an hourlong private talk!!!!

there was an implication that some other guy was also heartbroken and HE had K’d himself the same way, diving headfirst into the ground.

also in another part of the dream, I was grotesquely deformed, like missing half my face, and also that side of my body was all grotestquely deformed. naturally people reacted to the sight of me with horror.  I couldn’t really see myself though, and I didn’t really FEEL horrific.

then I met a qt young woman who was nice to me, did not react with horror, and I wondered, wow, did I miraculously get better somehow? do I really look normal now? or is she just super nice?

so yeah, lot of symbolism there hahahahahahahaha.

and then it went into that super disturbing part with HER and the neck breaking etc. good god how does my brain come up with this horror.

so yeah i am surprised i was not MORE affected by the dream (nightmare!!!!!) but I guess forcing myself to get out and get haircut helped with that.

also in the dream she seemed like a different person. it sorta looked like her, but a more crazy, unstable, bitchy, evil version of her.

basically she did what she did because:

  1. she didnt have Special Feelings for me
  2. She could Get Away with Not Dealing with it.


some things you are FORCED to deal with. you cant escape from them. this was not one of those things.

i bet she DID feel bad about hurting me. but she did not HAVE to deal with it….so she didn’t. The End. Period. Thats All Folks. That’s ALL it boils down to. I bet she DID feel bad. (Im sure she’s gotten over that LONG ago, though)

2pm sept 2

sheeeeeeeit. sitting at car dealership, they have free wifi thank god. look like a real phaggot wiht muh laptop but this is gonna take at LEAST 90 minutes.

hope nobody steals mh password who is out there packet sniffing hahahahahah.

321 pm

wow that was quick. they said 90 minutes, i expected 2 hours, and i was out of there within 1 hour.

there was a young arab girl reading a Yuge Law Skool Torts Textbook. Good for her going to Law Skool. She looked very bitchy and high maintenance but young and bangable and in Healthy BMI range. not that I advocate Race Mixing but I would bang her if i had to. would not make babies with, OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!

why am i saying this? i guess to get a pity party for my desperation, to describe my desparation, that i would rather bang a healthy young nonwhite than a fat ugly unhealthy white hahahahaha. but i would never BRAG about it or RECOMMEND it hahahahaha.





aug 18

shit, just destroyed again, but a beautiful day, want to get out there soon.

the worst is getting images of her face, her body, worst of all, images of her sucking dick or getting fooked. i pray to GOD to erase these images from my mind, to erase her from my mind.

sending that email was a mixed bag. pros and cons. it brings me up from rock bottom briefly but then 1 day later i am right back. at root is is just a way to desperate beg for her back, to say please change your mind, even though i say “i accept fully that its over.” nope just words. because i want her, want to be with her forever, can’t accept her going out and sucking dick and being done with me.

so shes thinking “UGH why cant he just let it go, he obviously doesnt accept that its over.”

well thats cuz i had actual feelings for her, she didn’t have them for me, so OF COURSE its easier for HER to accept! she’s HURTING way less! i got HURT 900000000000 times more. I am not burned into HER memory! she’s already forgotten about me, and just says UGH when she sees another email from me!

is it REALLY for my benefit only? of course not, deep down i WANT her to read it, i WANT her to respond, i WANT us to communicate, and i WANT to manipulate her into Dating Me!

I do/did have a deep abiding nonphysical Gods Love for her, but i ALSO have a very sensual physical sexual attraction to her, and THAT is actually more painful at this time: like the memories of her body, her face, her eyes, her face getting fooked by other guys and her LOVING it more than she ever liked me. that really hurts. drives me nutz.

i feel incapable of doing ANY job. like i will read stuff or listen to people and just not comprehend. it is like i have a damn LEARNING DISABILITY. but i didn’t in high school! And I got a decent GPA in college! which even though i had an easy major, i still didn’t find it easy per se!

and recently i would read the technical articles needed to Do My Job and just be like “WHAT THE FOOK. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO MY JOB.” and when you ask for clarification, they treat you like an idiot who doesnt know how to read. and even if they are kind enough to treat you like a human being and try to explain it fully, you STILL dont understand it. and you can’t pray enough or jog enough to get your rest at night. always feel like you’re being pushed to your breaking point. forget about Gradually Pushing Beyond Your Comfort Zone. more like Constantly being pushed to the EDGE. big difference.

plus i don’t really have FAITH in GOD. I am still resentful at the very IDEA of such a judgemental and petty god demanding submission. but i go to church to show gratitude to my family, plus it seems like a fitting religion for DESPERATE, WEAK people who are just BEGGING for some sort of relief, and that kind of Humiliated Desperate Beggar I can totally identify with!

but i will always have fundamental Moral Disagreements which make me a Cafeteria Christian, an apostate, heretic, blinded by the deception of Satan, to live my selfish and worldly life. I WANT the worldly life! Give me that womans soft white body! I would have loved to fook her all day and do ridiculous things with her body! and i am jealous, angry, obsessed, and crazy, when all that goes away! It proves i don’t HAVE an abiding Real Love, i wanted to OWN her for myself and no one else, i don’t WANT her to be happy with other people. I want her to be with ME, period.

but i guess this insane pain is NORMAL for the end of a rel. especially if you had Actual Strong Feelings. Maybe it wasn’t True Love, but the feelings were DEF insanely STRONG! thats for sure!

I am against abortion, but what would i do if I got some gurl preggers before i was ready to take care of a child?

Also i am fairly FOR euthanasia at the end of life, to ease the pain of Cancer Patients, that sort of thing, when a person just wants to die to kill the damn pain.

also i dont think jerking off is a mortal sin.

or using contraception.

or premarital secs.

i do think that promiscuous secs, or secs outside of a Committed Monogamous Relationship, is kinda immoral though.

and these Moral Beliefs i’ve held pretty consistently for most of my life.

also i dont have a huge problem with gays.

I mean i dont hate the church per se, and i do beg to GOD to have mercy on me and give me strength, almost every day, and i like some priests, and i go to church to make family happy cuz its the least i can do for them. but i have never been a true strong believer, never had a Loving Relationship with GOD in other words. I try to be a good person but i have those Huge Moral Disagreements listed above. However I do generally agree with Dont Kill, Dont Steal, dont hurt people, don’t cheat on your spouse, etc.

Ive even been staying longer at church because i am so desperate!

But my deepest interest has not been in church or career, but just being in a Committed Monogamous Rel with a Decent Woman. It’s not easy finding good candidates. I found a good candidate and that just fooking blew up recently and totally devastated me worse than i have been in at least 7 years.

i mean shit what if she DID respond. then i would be obsessed with THAT, and trying to push THAT further and further, try to meet with her.

on the other hand, there is something good about meeting with somebody in person, in private, one on one, to have a damn TALK for ONE HOUR. if i had been able to do that ONCE with her, before shit got too bad, maybe they wouldnt have gotten this bad.

but i’m not sure it would do any good now, because now we are POST shit hitting the fan. the horse is way way way out of the barn and is never going back in!

so the talk would probably have more anger and hostility and accusation really. it would possibly be a much more negative, useless talk. talking would do no good now. it might have done some good THEN. so why the hell do I WANT to talk? because I REALLY want to live in a fantasy world. I want to hope against hope, i want the impossible miracle of her being with me.

so rereading the email with that in mind doesn’t make me feel so good about sending the email.

well i mean its not like shes gonna respond anyway. really the worst that i’ve done is that i’ve just set myself back three weeks, when i sent the previous one. but still. even three weeks seems like a lot when every day is ridiculous!!!!

like there was an emotional and moving part where i reminded her of how we had connected, how similar we were, how we had a lot in common. definitely a heartbreaking appeal! but that also kinda shows what i really want: for her to relent and submit to me! for her to say yes i was wrong i luv u too! lets be together forever and live happily ever after! and make out and cuddle and luv each other, and also have mad physical secs regularly!

it’s WORSE than an addiction! you can get over the withdrawals of HEROIN or ALCOHOL in like two weeks tops right? not this! it is INSANE having one person be at the FRONT of your mind for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks!

i mean, what the fook would i do if she DID respond? then of course i’d want to respond to THAT. and back and forth and so on. she wont respond of course. but WHAT IF hahahahaha. i have been playing what if for the past month, eery day all day.

like if she came back at me with a really bitchy takedown of everythign i said, and how i was totally wrong, and how i am a monster or a just a total piece of shit weakling not worthy of respect, i threw all my respectability down the drain by the way i acted to her. then what. then i would try to rebut that but writing another email saying but but but but. i didn’t MEAN to do x y and z.

well i didn’t really DO a lot. i was just afraid of having a direct conversation and blurting it out. i wanted to meet in private and have an hour to have a heart to heart.

but then, HOW HARD IS THAT???????? She could have done that, we could have talked for ONE HOUR in like november or december, and that would have been a lot better than what actually ended up happening.

very mixed feelings hahahaha.