IT IS LIKE LOSING A CHILD

make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.

album

and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5213un/my26f_ex28m_ghosted_and_now_is_happy_with_someone/

https://bu.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.

 

hehehehehehe

lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.

 

13 DOLLARS AN HOUR

aug 31

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

http://pastebin.com/xUh6Djef

put this in sidebar, i want to caputre the worst article ever AND a few hundred comments

nymag open marriage cuckoldry article by sonmore

INFAMOUS

http://pastebin.com/67FxT9wi

here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”

the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)

i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.

in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.

also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.

yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.

or 12 to 13 hahahaha.

people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.

yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?

no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.

(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)

so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.

if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.

i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.

and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?

unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but  she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?

so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.

basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.

fulton sheen on difference between BAD, and EVIL.

 

hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though

start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:

that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.

but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.

i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.

ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.

shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.

actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.

florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.

his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fulton_J._Sheen

so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.

the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/08/31/the-daily-shoah-100-ep-88-part-13-of-14-a-hundred-a-hundred-twenty-episodes/

millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.

sept 1

had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!

and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.

i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.

also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.

unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.

thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.

also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.

i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.

i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.

which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!

but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.

at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.

people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.

standard!

but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it.  NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.

but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.

you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.

it all makes perfect sense: DONT SPEND MONEY IF YOU DONT ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.

see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?

AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.

so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.

heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.

i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.

well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.

so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?

NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.

so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.

and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.

lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.

so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.

dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.

now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.

i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.

ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.

i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.

so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.

and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff  from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.

and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.

and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.

heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.

went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes.  saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha.  at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.

so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”

90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.

in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.

there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.

and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.

for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1990s&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

hahahaha i have been looking at these goddamn RYM lists for like a month straight trying to find the perfect album to listen to

like here is the best metal (incl all subgenres) for the 90s.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1996&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha

also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.

not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.

heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.

ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!

at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.

I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.

go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.

mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.

i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.

listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.

uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.

overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!

but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!

it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.

it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.

it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.

and i’m not sure what else it could be.

sept 2

you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing.  on their second main album.

before the rain?

YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.

FOUND IT!!!!

yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.

fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.

fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.

yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.

yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.

but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.

rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.

entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.

ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.

like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!

the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!

but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.

I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.

went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.

so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.

interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.

man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.

just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!

not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.

its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.

if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.

i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!

comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.

well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.

i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.

it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.

so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.

well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.

i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.

but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.

i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.

NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!

(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)

because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.

applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?

i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.

in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.

so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.

but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.

unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????

well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.

anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.

 

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE

aug 13

you cant even talk to normies about this because theyll be like why were you SO devastated? why didnt you just ignore her? just suck it up? why did you fall SO hard for someone you werent even fooking? why didnt you tell her earlier? its all my fault basically. and it kinda is. not that I MADE her withdraw all kindness, but I did kinda reap what I sowed in several ways.

but she was jsut as immature as i was, and usually 25 year olds are more mature than me hahahahaha. well she was a WOMAN though. women are naturally immature. like children. children who cant keep their legs closed hahahaha.

so yeah normies get their hearts broke but its not as big of a deal to them. or they dont fall so hard for someone they are not dating/fooking.  normies just wouldnt understand. they say yeaaaahhhh something is a little weird about this guy, and he should probably see a shrink and get on some meds already. oh he is? hmm well uhh maybe he should try some diff meds and a diff shrink, the current program isnt working so well hahahaha.

the ironic thing is, I think a Decent Monog Longterm Rel with a Woman WOULD help the majority of foreveralone despairing virgin men, give them real confidence in something that is really meaningful to them, and literally transform them. theyve wanted this for so long but never got it. dont you think them finally achieving it would change their lives?

but maybe it would be like winning the lottery. theyd find a way to fook it up.

i dunno. give them a CHANCE at least. if that woman gave me a CHANCE, i think i would have had a good chance of not fooking it up!

normies also dont understand why it takes us so LONG to get over somebody. so just virginsplain to them that if their wife with whom they have created new life just up and left them without a word and that was it, how long would it take THEM to get over THAT? at LEAST a year.

or the person just dropped dead suddenly one day. but still i think being left is WORSE than that, because you’re not certain that the person who dropped dead WANTED to LEAVE you. as far as you know, they still loved you till the very end.

so yeah this is rougher than a death hahahaha. because they WANT to leave you, they’re still alive out there fooking and loving OTHER guys, and they dont give a DAMN about you and your broken heart and the time you spent together. they’ve FORGOTTEN about you entirely. dead people cant forget you like this hahahaha. dead peopel arent moving on fooking and loving other people and enjoying life.

you can move on and enjoy all the cox and abortions and tyrones you want, just dump a person the right way, not the wrong way.

implying that women are even capable of doing things the right way.

hehehe well i KNOW they are, because OTHER women have dumped me the right way. and I appreciate it hahaha. thank you so much for dumping me the right way.

ok took shower, go to boring church today. i was trying to “fast” until 12pm, that would give me 18 hours of “fasting.” the old 18/6 as opposed to the 16/8 hahahahaha. i was starting to ger hungery so yeah. then ate 290 calorie breakfast/lunch.

ive been VERY good about not looking her up on linkedin or facebook or instagram or google. VERY good. so +1 to me hahahaha. i mean i wouldnt be able to see any more than her fb profile picture, but that’s bad enough. to even see ONE picture of her would be WAY too much.

then i think about people who are Friends with their Exes 4 Lyfe. I just cant wrap my mind around it at all!

i mean it could possibly be doable if BOTH peopel mutually agreed that the rel was over and that NEITHER person wanted to work on it. and NEITHER person wanted the other back. i guess I am envious to have such a Mutual, Amicable Breakup hahahaha.  seems a lot less stressful than knowing you have to restrain yourself from seeing even ONE picture or ONE comment or ONE reminder that they are still alive, for YEARS.

like i am thinking of these people i will see at this little labor day event. the one guy is married and has a kid and his wife and maybe kid will be there with him…..but he is still friends with his ex gf from 10 years ago! and they dated for several years and she was kinda crazy! and she is married to some other guy now. and she is going to this thing as well! they still see each other once a year or so! heh if i were his wife i would be suspicious hahahaha. its called a break up because its BROKEN hahahaha. but then youre jealous, youre the bad guy. maybe he gets a freecard to fook her hahahaha. now im just speculating. but this guy had a LOT more wild oats than me, he was pretty much an alpha male ladies man. now he has a good career and a nice wife and child. hehehehe funny to think that when  first met him he was an 18 year old kinda nerdy kid who had only had 1 GF hahaha (much more than i had had as a nerdy 18 year old hahaha) and I kinda Corrupted him by introducing him to MJ!!!!

well he turned out MORE than all right and I turned into a big loser hahaha. maybe winner normies can be issue free friends with their x’es. i just don’t want him to do anything DEGENERATE, because he’s a good guy and he can do BETTER than that. of course nothing degenerate has actually happened to my knowledge! i just think its weird to be friends with your x’s and to have the x at a holiday weekend with your wife and the wife is fine with it too!

meanwhile i have to make a concerted effort to never look at a single picture of HER ever again, and we didnt even date for 2-3 years and fook 6000000000000000 times like this guy and his x did!

so i am a bit jelly of a serious relationship ending without any Lingering Trauma hahahaha.

and they still have SOME sort of relationship technically!

how does his wife feel about this? how does her husbando feel about this? is she still married to the husbando? i dont think THEY had any kids. i dont fully trust her, although i always got along with her. i wouldnt want to be in a rel with her! she was kinda crazy, in the way that you can never fully trust crazy! she went on to be wildly successful and started doing a phd but then left after the masters level to make tons of money in Private Industry. probably not in a call center hahahaha.

i guess i am also envious of crazy people who can still be extremely successful despite their despair or bipolar or whatever.

anyway shes ok, she’s white, thats the main thing, so she should go down to part time and have some white kids. her husbando had a high paying job in finance or some shit. controller or CFO or some high level, high wealth Career. she can afford to take some time off and have babies. 3 of them. i think he’s white too. could be Jooish but I don’t think so. could be though. has dark hair. i never met him. but if he’s white, they should have kids. but she might pass her crazy on to them? she’s not a bad person though. would i trust her with homeschooling children? maybe. i mean having children could well be very good for her.

anyway i dont hate her, i just thought she was kinda weird, and i was a bit annoyed by her overachieving. it paid off in an impressive career though!

anyway i anticipate i will get along with her just fine, i always did before, and she was always nice to me and me to her. situation is just kinda weird is all. but theres no point for me to tell HER that! or him. if it doesn’t bother either of them, it doesnt matter.

i am just obsessed with Relationships in general. and getting Nosy into other people’s business.

especially if i KNOW the people, and there is anything weird about the rels. or the rels are ending or failing. i am interested in the Death of Rels hahahaha.

well their rel certainly didnt DIE! it changed, maybe downgraded, and in a mutual way! me and that woman, our rel just DIED. permanently. DNR. RIP. Although I for sure wanted to resuscitate it!

when you want something for so long, well its not like food and water, you wont DIE……but you do become TWISTED and WEIRD. to have an unscratchable itch for 10, 12, 14 years, and to never experience something that Normies experience.

in the mood for some depressive su1z1dal black metal, i hear this one is pretty good, and i actually remember listening to it like 4 years ago when i first discovered DSBM.

i recall it being ok. it gets good reviews.

i could very well be bipolar hahahaha. only i dont get manic episodes. i just get brief episodes where i am kinda wound up and not thinking straight. well that is a manic episode no? yeah but i am not staying up 3 days in a row Tweaking and doing impulsive shit. but i am generally “one extreme or the other” in my thoughts and attitudes. so maybe i have “mild bipolar” and taking some lithium would help me be more productive and successful.

churn out moar job apps, get thru moar interviews, and once i get a job, survive its shittiness one day at a time. put myself out on okcupid and try to get the table scraps there hahahaha. Post HER, I cant imagine ever Loving another woman again.

i mean why SHOULD you lower your standards when you are looking to spend the rest of your LIFE with somebody and you want to create THREE NEW LIVES with them? does it make ANY sense to lower your standards for that? FOOK NO!!!! Either I luv them the same or MORE than i luved her, or NO new lives will be created!!!!!!!!1111

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CREATE NEW LIFE AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEBODY YOU ARE NOT MADLY IN LUV WITH?

or to rephrase that, someone you are just kinda “MEH” about. i realize Mad Luv fades, but i am implying that it Of COURSH follows with a deep, abiding, Loyal, Foundational, Strong, Faithful Luv.

coldworld just came out with his first album in 8 years hahahaha. cover is a little corny but album is allegedly good hahahaha.  not really DSBM as much as melancholic black metal hahahaha. i recall the melancholie2 album was decent. prob better with some MJ and good headphones hahahaha.

yeah well though i have trouble reaching muh goals, at least i have a good family and i am not a superfat slob anymore. still want to lose 10 more pounds tho. and it will be the hardest.

also now i have nice clothes to wear in the interview. and nice friends who remember me after years and invite me places. i mean i am kinda nervous because i dont have any stories to tell, and i am a huge loser and they are all happy winner normies. but i try to not ram my loser weirdo neetness down their throat, and try to be as normie as i can. play down my loserness and insecurity and self-loathing cuz i know that comes across as VERY overbearing. so i dont overbear others with it. just in this blog and when i am by myself!

i didnt overbear HER with it either, she had barely any idea how crazy i am! i just overbeared her with pathetic pleas to pleeeeeeease hang out with meeeeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease respond.

aug 14

just spent all day reading about metal, mainly DSBM, but some regular non DSBM like this quebec nationalist black metal band forteresse, sheeeeeit all sorts of black metal. very close to giving ruins of beverast another chance.

well lets just put it this way, i like metal Solo Projects with Real Drums. Drum machines suck. also when you add more people it risks diluting the musical vision and purity. 2-person bands are also ok.

so basically you just tell women you want to HANG OUT and then you use a little GAME and if the first “date” goes ok, then you can get a second date, and then you bang them on the second date. this is insanely slutty!

it is so insane and disgusting and horrifying that THAT WOMAN is doing exactly that with a carousel of guys she meets on dating sites and tinder!

i guess this is women’s programming to get pregnant as soon as possible, by any means necessary. and then you NEED to have an abortion or oops baby to teach you a lesson. and then you forget that lesson after a few months, become a slut again, and have another abortion or oops baby.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

welp i generally dont like 80 minute albums but might as well dive in here. i think some dude MJ lmao and good headphones would help a lot here. unfortuantely i have neither hehehe.

well even the pickup guys who like to bang sluts say that half of women dont bang on the second date. this is great news.

heh maybe half of THEM bang on the THIRD date. so, 75% of women bang on 3rd date, 88% on 4th, 94% on 5th, 97% on 6th, 99% on 7th, hahahahaha. doing a little rounding there.

i dunno. i am still not over her. she was SPECIAL to me goddamn it! she wasnt some random slut! yet to other guys she wilfull presents herself as a random slut. unbelieveable. disgusting. revolting.

interview tomorrow for part time job. 12k a year hahahahaha. well at least its permanent part time hahahaha. and i have worked with this organization before. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a full time job here. you have to REALLY know someone powerful . i thought i did, but i either didnt know them well enough or they werent powerful enough. prob both.

went for powerwalk. lyrinx was meh, ruins of beverast was interesting, not as bad production as i expected, but still pretty rough.

anyway i dont like having a special rel thrown away like it was not special. it makes me think the WHOLE THING was an illusion….WHEN IT WASNT.

also, i probably did NOT do something HORRIBLY WRONG AND BAD…..although it was very confusing and bad for me because i got the same reaction as if i had, and it was ENTIRELY up to me to cnvince myself that i hadn’t! and i am not very good at that!

also, i never want to do anything terrible, but i am aware that i might do something terrible, and i want someone to let me know so i can learn from it and never do it again! and she sort of let me know that i did something terrible.

but she DIDNT. she didnt do ANYTHING. maybe i did something bad, maybe I didnt.

http://www.online-stopwatch.com/cash-clock/

hehehehe time is money wagie, tick tock, back to work, another day another dollar.

so yeah i like it when the woman lets you know you didnt do anything terrible that makes you a terrible person, they say its not you its me. i like that. its cliche but it WORKS, it really MEANS something.

i dont want to be such an autistic sociopath that i do horrible things without knowing! i dont want to be a terrible person to other poeple!!!11

so yeah she could have been better in letting me know that i was not a terrible person basically.

and it took me a fookin YEAR to convince myself that she was just Overloaded and Ran Away. but jeez. at least send a messenger. send one last message. wasnt our earlier rel important to YOU???!?!?! Im pretty sure it was! dont be DISHONEST and pretend it wasnt!

but yeah its gonna be the father who teaches his daughter morals, including sexual morality. how to pick a good man. how to wait 8 dates before fooking. how to not bang too many guys. how to pick a good guy young. how to not cheat. how to dump a guy the right way. how to not lead a guy on. the mother just cant do this. because women cant TEACH shit. funny how most “teachers” are WOMEN!

so she turned out ok despite no father. she still hurt me greatly and i wish i had never met her. so if i had followed my never associate with fatherless women rule, then i never would have met her (or at least got attached to her), and my life would have been better.

i mean shit. it just sucks when you have to say “I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. YOU MADE MY LIFE WORSE. YOU BROUGHT MORE BAD THAN GOOD. YOU WERE A NET LOSS.”

when people have an Amicable Break Up, they don’t say THAT. they dont wish they never MET the person.

theres this book called The Ethical Slut which used to trigger me because being a slut isnt ethical, but i guess the book assumes a basis of do no harm, and communicate boundaries, and dont treat people like garbage, and how to communicate about awkward feelings in case your fuccboi gets feelings and you just wanna fucc moar fuccbois.

in other words, i would have LOVED being treated with the ethical guidelines advocated by The Ethical SLut hahahaha. i think.

http://candieportfoilo.yolasite.com/resources/The%20Ethical%20Slut.pdf

its NOT OK to NOT COMMUNICATE with your lovers or yourself hahahaha.  THANK YOU. hahahaha

http://openingup.net/

opening up by the degen slut tristan taormino is argued to be the better book.

heh. i am looking to the MOST DEGEN PEOPLE for advice on Ethical, Mature, Healthy Relships hahahaha. THAT is how IMPORTANT good COMMUNICATION is to ALL relationships, even degen slut ones.

EVEN DEGENERATE POLYAMOROUS SLUTS COMMUNICATE.

I agree with them that communication and respecting feelings is important, ethical, and good!

ok i think i have made my point hahahaha.

i watched “Fargo” last night on viceland degen tv. this is one of those movies that i have wanted to watch beginning to end but had never done so. i had seen the first 30 minutes recently and was quite intrigued. so i was glad to see it here and i caught it right at the beginning. decided to watch the whole thing. there were frequent commercials so that did not help. but overall i found it disappointing. it could and should have been a lot better. just because coen brothers are degen J’s doesn’t mean they haven’t made great movies. but some of them are not so great. this one tilts towards that, when I expected it NOT to.

joos writing supergoys seemed pretty condescending, patronizing, like look at these STUPID WHITE HICKS.

did the guys wife end up dying? i felt they really treated her like a piece of meat. thats somebodys mother. even if the kid is a brat and the father is a scumbag.

i guess frances mcdormand was the moral compass and that was ok…..but I would have liked to see that extend to the other goy characters, like the kidnapped wife. i mean did the big goy barbarian just knock her out, or sociopathically kill her like he did everyone else? did the kidnappers have any intention of doing a “fair” trade? were they just gonna kill the wife all along? why? why was the injun beating steven buscemi with a belt? prob because he drew the attention of the po po on him, i guess. but nothing ever happened to the injun. they never arrested him. or maybe they did later.

just seemed kinda lazy and sloppy and i know coen brothers can do better than this.

unless there are buried hints like a david lynch movie.

why was bill macy in financial trouble to begin with? why did he scam 320k from GMAC car loans if he just needed 1 car to give the criminals? it seemed like he wanted 750k to be loaned from his father in law.

maybe im just asking too many questions. but that is what i do. blame muh job. need to know everything about everything.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fargo_(film)

ok so the gmac loan is what he needs the money FOR. but why was he trying to scam them in the first place? gambling? hookers?

and why “fargo” if most of the movie took place in brainerd and minneapolis? he first met the kidnappers in fargo but thats about it.

I mean it was GOOD, but it wasnt nearly as good as i expected. it was disappointing and lazy and sloppy and i feel like i missed something. maybe they edited out important stuff for commercials. i guess the wife is supposed to be dead.

big lebowski was better, raising arizona and millers crossing were WAY better.

this should not be considered a top shelf coen brothers movie. it was lazy and patronizing. how did it win an oscar for best screenplay. how did it become such a phenomenon, with critics and fans shitting themselves over it?

i didnt really like “no country for old men” either.

i did really like the main musical theme of fargo though.

hahahahahahahaha

i didnt think it really SUCKED, I just thought it was ok, not great. is was disappointing and the coens can do better.

i have enjoyed coens films for YEARS and I totally understand and get their style. the layers and subtleties. the dialogue and dialects. ok thats FINE.

i might have liked it more if i saw it years ago, when i was more prone to suck the coen bros jooish dicks.

and i prob would have liked it moar with no commericials, and ucddling with a waifu.

that can make bad movies good.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/why-did-she-break-me

its good to Grieve but dont let it CONSUME you hhahahahaha. easier said than done. well it doesnt consume me as much hahaha. but other things do.

like oh god i am unqualified at everything, incompetent, can never get a job or a woman, completely worthless hahaha.

anyway. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

so lets just assume 50% of women are dirty n>=4 whores and 50% are decent n<4 marriageable women. because we just DONT KNOW, and the great rule of thumb is, always assume 50/50 when you DONT KNOW.

i can live with 50/50!

i mean i think being a high number slut who gives it up real quick is a good proxy or way to measure a womans morality and trustworthiness in general. do they really walk the walk. or are they loose. hotdog in a hallway. jsut a damn mercenary riding the coch carousel, where she has given many men a Turn. It MATTERS and STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! But they’re not pretending, they TRULY BELIEVE it doesnt matter. totally brainwashed.

okok i need some TROB with……clearer production.  the newest one is generally rated the lowest but its the only one i havent heard at all.  plus i just straight up RESPECK this guy, he is just very special, i dont care that he is a pagan hahahahahahaha. tree worshipper.  he also has Male Pattern Baldness and a Hirsute Robin Williams like body. this endears him even more to me.

i would totally make a moderate effort to see him live. i am glad he likes to play live. why the hell wouldnt you. like these black metal phaggots that are too grim to play. or dsbm people that are too despaired to play live. come on. even trist played live a few times.

i mean yeah the fans are degenerate losers but theres probably one guy there like me who is not hahaha. who is really enjoying your show.

interview tomorrow and i am not even worried or anxious. how can you, for an 11 dollar 20 hour a week job. good god. why do i even wear a suit. why do i think i need a NICE suit.  well at least now i have a nice suit in case i need it. and i just wear it to every damn interview anyway. i am pretty happy about the suit. i had been meaning to get one for YEARS, at least 4 years or so.

i was glad to hear people on the daily shoah agree that MULTITASKING is BULLSHIT. total BULLSHIT. i couldnt agree more. but you HAVE to say you are REALLY REALLY good at it. but if youre HONEST with yourself, it just means you do a shitty, distracted job on many tasks at once. only the most autistic people like rainman MIGHT be good at multitasking. only half of the 1% most autistic people might be good at multitasking. its fookin BULLSHIT, end of story. but we are not allowed to say that. worse, we are forced to actually attempt to multitask!

i dont mind that women are like children……..except for the fact that they do a LOT MORE DAMAGE that children. they break hearts and cheat and ruin lives without remorse. children don’t do this. you dont give the baby a machine gun.

women are like babies born with machine guns. but in the past, society used to do what it could to put the safety on that gun, or take it away.

but why should women be born with something theyre TOO IMMATURE TO USE?

so they can get pregnant as soon as possible, that’s why.

and if they choose poorly, either them, the baby, or both can suffer the consequences for that AFTER the baby is born. but not before.

maybe men and women are not as different as i thought. they just want to fook any (secsy) thing that moves, no regard to the consequences. they dont care who they hurt. we are an r selected inger species hehehehe.

yeah well we WHIITES HAVE to be better than that. maybe thats how humans started, but thats not what WE evolved into. WHITES DONT DO R SELECTION. and it disgusts me to see white women doing it.

women dont have to do time in the prison of relationshiplessness hahahaha. they don’t get tons of TIME to THINK about the DYNAMICS and the ins and outs of relationships because they’re too busy being IN them. they never have a chance to view it from the OUTSIDE. think outside of the box hahahaha.

with me and other foreveralone nevergf virgins, its the exact opposite. we spend all our time thinking about rels, and exactly ZERO time actually IN them!

isnt that funny hahahaha.

holy sheet this one guy who i used to work with at my fun job which i left……..almost 3 years ago, he is still working there! this is just sad because he is older than me, has a degree, has his teaching certificate, and can get a FT teacher job, just sub shit. and they have hired two FT people in the department in the 3 years since i left, and they did not offer HIM the job! maybe they did but he said no? i wuldnt have said no! they interviewed ME for one of those jobs. i didnt get it and i was kinda pissed. why didnt they interview me for the other one? i cant remember exactly when the other one happened. before or after the one interview i had.

maybe i was that shitty of an employee hahahaha. but i dont think so. i definitely was not an electrifying team leader however, and i did not schmooze with Higher Ups like i should have. I just nodded my head and did what they told me and was nice to everybody. but the people i schmoozed best with were not higher ups. they were just level 1 saps like me, or in different departments. the maintenance guy.

heh wasnt good enough to get me an interview when i applied for the maintenance job a few months ago, for the 3 days a year the position is open. blink and you will miss it. literally.

 

 

WORSE THAN BEING ABORTED: STILL ALIVE TO SUFFER

july 7

had interview today, 5 people grilling me, 1 hour and 20 minute interview, 40k job tho damn.

then went on linked in and switched my settings to anonymous mode so i could look at people from my old job. started feeling bad. like damn they can handle taking confusing angry phone calls all day, how come i cant? they found new jobs, the are able to think fast and act quick. oh 3 people from my company went over to this other company. I WONDER if thats where SHE went too. oh i wonder if shes fooking one of those guys then. or maybe she already fooked him and now they hate each other but still work together.

how come just the thought of answering those calls and dealing with those weird problems strikes fear into my heart? i wish i could be AS GOOD as her in the stupid competition of life. compete with her on HER terms and PROVE that I am at LEAST as good as her, can do the same kind of ridiculous work, make the same decent money.

and now she goes on and makes new friends and knows the people we worked with, longer than I knew her….which was a pretty long time. and I am stuck in the past. and she has moved past me, and I am just a faded memory in her past, that she has mostly forgotten.

next on the listening:

diocletian: gesundrian

proclamation: nether tombs of abbadon (terrible reviews, as their well of ideas has run dry and they are just going thru the blasphemous motions. but I sorta think the production sounds best on this one. and I figure each album will sound exactly the same, so production is VERY important here.)

i should be talking about this interview hehehe.

i figure, they interview 5 people, that means you START OFF at a 20% chance of getting the job. then depending on how you do, you go up or down. probably not more than 10% either way.

anyway it was me, and 5 managers, in a room for 1 hour and 20 minutes. 5 people making 25 bucks an hour to spend 90 minutes of Paid Time with ME hahahahaha.

ok did 5 mile walk, listened to those things. i just dont have great headphones. i have 10 dollar headphones when i should invest in some good 50 dollar headphones, but i just cant right now till i establish an income stream other than 2 dollars a week on mturk hahaha. i could only stand about 10 to 14 minutes of the proclamation. but its nice to come back to that noise for 14 minutes a day or so.

the diocletian sounded sorta like angel corpse but with some slow parts. great sound, again hurt by my headphones. great drum and guitar sound, great fast blasts, no triggers like some f4ggy death metal band hahaha.

i just hate sounding incompetent with a caller who wants me to fix a problem, because I AM incompetent, and i DONT know what I’m doing. and i hate that SHE was better at that in the long run than me.

and if you can stay good at that in the long run, you can actually advance in the stupid tech support field. become a tier 2, then a tier 3, then a manager, get jobs at increasingly better companies. you just gotta tough it out. and I couldn’t do it, and she COULD. AND she doesn’t CARE about ME, when I KNOW she once did. she was tough enough to do the job, and to KEEP doing the job a year later, but she wasnt courageous enough to SHOW CARE about ME. fooooooook.

i mean other women have been tougher and more competent than me. better at their jobs. doing tough jobs. cool under pressure. going gets tough, tough get going. other women have Bested me at that competition, but I didn’t care nearly AS much because they showed a lot more courtesy to me when they dumped me. they said sorry that I have to do this. and then went on to become hugely successful in their careers. just like THAT PERSON is going to be. I came CLOSE to looking her up on linkedin today. I thought she might work at this company several people from our company went to.

theres a difference between “taking the black pill” ie looking a unpleasant things, because you might learn a valuable lesson…….vs TORTURING yourself by COMPARING yourself to others unfavorably on linkedin. looking at all those fookin WINNERS on linkedin. or f4gbook or that matter. oh im so successful at muh career. i am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown and im getting MARRIED to a person I LUV and want to make babies with. we just had a baby. were having our second baby. chad just got promoted to Team Lead this year, which meant more money for our growing family. Stacy finished her masters degree in Talent Acquisition which resulted in a big pay raise for her too.

that fooking bullshit successful middle class normie STRIVERS talk about in their christmas card letters!!!!

so yeah. SOME blackpilling is ok, but I don’t think this comparing yourself is really helpful, nor is it legit blackpilling. its more digging yourself into a rut and putting yourself into a bad mood. better to just STOP, and just apply for another job, or go for a 5 mile walk and listen to EVIL raw black metal like blasphemy or proclamation hahahaha.

black lives matter hehehe how about MY life matters. I wanted MY life to matter to HER. not even in a tradwife luv sort of way, but just in GENERAL.  even before i fell in luv her life matter to me, and my life mattered to her. i just wished my life could have mattered to her at the END. rather than being murdered like an aborted child hahahaha.

now i know what that aborted child feels like with the silent scream, as it screams pleeeease mommy dont murder me, and then they get murdered anyway. and then you get to stay alive enough to be able to see that, and think about it for years hahahaha. and you wonder how could your own mother murder you hehehe.

so in a while its WORSE than being aborted! because you are still ALIVE TO SUFFER!!

at least the aborted baby has the privilege of not being able to suffer any more. they are put out of their misery!

july 8

foreveralone feels, an actual 30 year old wizard virgin with a youtube channel whoooooaaaaa

i mean he LOOKS like one! but he also doesnt look TOO bad, or irredemable. its sad.

instantly subscribed.

The “why are women fooked” question is actually really easy: because they don’t have to be good to pass on their genes. They just have to take a dick and keep the baby alive. The men have to slave, fight and die over who gets to keep them.

great quote from great trs thread on how bad women are hahaha

but yeah i might as well be a 30 year old virgin. i had secs 2 times with a gurl when i was 21………AND THEN NEVER EVER AGAIN hahahaha and now I am 30+.

its a really unique situation. there’s no manual for this. the wizards dont understand, the normie chads sure dont understand. i guess people can still advise you: be a stronger, better, man with purpose. then you can keep a woman from dumping you. easier said than done tho hahaha.

huge anti police shooting in dallas, its HAPPENING, 4-5 officers dead, wow, i mean i can honestly say stuff was NOT liek this when I was young. shit is objectively getting BAD.

i meditated on my desire to bang gurls up the ass and I figured it had to do with a desire to PUNISH them and cause them some pain. for not wanting anything to do with me, and also for Playing Around with the LIfe Creation Process so casually.

I was always kinda afraid of the Vag and Secs because I always understood THATS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. this is NOT a casual, fun process. if you want to have PURELY recreational secs, then do it up the ass like mexican sluts or f4gs. that’s the fookhole for people who REALLY dont want to have babies. and i dont want to have babies. babies are a BIG DEAL and Im not ready for that. so i dont want to treat the pvssy like some kind of casual funland.

and women are stupid and inferior for treating their OWN pvssies like that. theyre the ones who GET pregnant!!!! how can they NOT know this and need a man to mansplain it to them? because thats how women ARE. and I was like holy shit that sucks SO MUCH. How can I POSSIBLY respect or even LIKE women. they are DISGUSTING.

so hence the desire to bang them in the ass. to somewhat punish them, and also to show that I wanted to remove ALL chance of conception. well why not just use birth control.

because i’ve ALWAYS believe that BC is flawed. that its putting up an unnatural roadblock to something natural. and you just dont need to do that with the ass. because the ass is not MADE FOR REPRODUCTION. its made for expelling shit.

so yeah still its degenerate to want to put muh dick in an EXIT hole! I fully own and admit that. own muh degeneracy.

well its not like Im going out banging sluts in the ass, or watching porno of it! although I used to. but i havent looked at porno in….242 days.

the shit with the woman WENT DOWN 360 days ago. almost a year.

sent her the last email 326 days ago.

last got a haircut 101 days ago. and I am fully planning on getting a nice very short haircut TODAY.

later. got nice short level 1 haircut! very nice. do this more like every 2 months, not every 3 months. it was looking bad on the sides, like an unemployable loser neet wizard virgin. dont do this. i am scottish with spending money, but in this case, its WORTH THE MONEY. just spend the money and get a haircut every 2 months. they barber didnt even ask about muh JOB hahaha.

also now i look more masculine, like a real ross bay powerlifting black metal skinhead. i would also add 1433 to that, althought the ross bay cult is NOT associated with 1433. but they should really consider it! although the black guy in the band blasphemy hahahaha well i will give him a pass.

BUT really raw drunken satanic black metal is degenerate anyway, and degeneracy and 1433 is like OIL AND WATER.

so, switch all that drunken satan imagery with like Nationalistic War imagery. you can still have those kewl black and white drawings! just instead of goatz and sp00py skellys with goathorns, you can have like soldiers and fuhrers and gunz and tradfams and such.

being CONFUSED SUCKS. it kills your confidence and can lead to Chronic Stress.

also you feel like you are getting early onset dementia or alzheimers at age 35. WTF. that is very frustrating.

or was it just because you smoked too much MJ and drank too much alcohol before age 25? because ya sure did. sure screwed the pooch on that one. dicked the dog. fooked fido.

like worshiping satan and evil is stupid, immature, degenerate, and really doesnt make sense. being a 1433 whyte warrior makes TOTAL sense. 14 words make TOTAL sense. so express THAT in your music.

had stupid dream last night where I dreamed I was looking at pictures of HER, on facebook or instagram or whatever. i saw a photo of her from new years eve where she was kissing a black guy. i reacted with disgust and horror and anger, much like you would expect me to hahahaha. i make no apologies for not liking mudsharking, and I am ESPECIALLY offended when the woman I luv would rather fook and kiss blacks than have anything to do with ME. it really stings the pride knowing a black guy is better at getting the woman of your dreams than you are. and that the woman of your dreams would rather be with a black guy than you, ya racially-aware whyte man.

also IRL she did go out with a black guy but I never saw secsy pictures of that thank god. but the fact is, they were making out and FOOKING. she she suck his dick? most certainly. Did he blast jizz on her pretty face? maybe. did he fook her up the ass? maybe. did he fook her doggystyle and blast on her nice white ass? certainly. did he pound that pvssy with her fine white body pressed up against him while they made out and she sighed in Ecstasy? 100000% yes definitely. things I will never experience with her hehehehe.

And I have always like kissing and making out MORE than secs. it seems so pure and fun and innocent and safe and good. and secs seems so dirty and bad and pornographic and dangerous and bad. not because it is, but because the way the women treat it like its NOTHING. treat it with more reverence.

so I always LIKED making out and kissing more. it means a lot to me. I would have had a LOT of fun making out with her. I had a LOT of fun just making out with gurls. then they would get bored, want secs, and dump me when they correctly ascertained that I wanted a real rel.

i get dumped because i always want a RELATIONSHIP with women hahahaha what a MONSTER I am.

clingy and needy, always wanted a Relationship.

oh well there’s serious rels and then theres casual rels. why do I always want a serious rel?

because I am an OLD SCHOOL WHITE MAN, and I KNOW that sex cannot be treated CASUALLY!

so yeah not only do i think secs is intmate, i think KISSING is kinda intimate too! and i feel a lot more positively towards it than secs, ie its something i can actually enjoy, possibly because it doesnt make babies but still allows you to show affection for your bitch, like cuddling. and its much SAFER and lower RISK, and I think its super FUN and stress free, and I RESENT women for not liking it so much, or thinking its BORING.

if you think somethings boring, YOUR BORING hahahahahahaha.

if you’re BORED, YOURE BORING.

uncle bern might have clued me into that saying.

oh lord their are LATVIANS speaking LATVIAN in the poker room hahahaha.

this is really interesting. yes i luv latvians, they are white as hell. or are they finngolian hahaha. latvians are classic joohaters and ovened 6 gorillion joos in riga in 1943.

 

 

WOMEN USED TO BE AGAINST G4Y MARRIAGE

…AND THEY CAN BE AGAINST THEM AGAIN,

is the point I was trying to make with that.

basically women are sheep that go along with the Tone set by their President hahaha. So since we have a marxist president who is all i luv gays and hate whites, normie basic women luv gays and hate whites.

you think it was like that when Ronnie Reagan was in office? OR Tricky Dicky? HELL NO!

I….dont really remember the W years. Well, during the W years I was a filthy marxist who luved gays and hated whites!!!!!!!!!!!! And I am sorry. I am SO glad to be over that horrible phase.

july 3

had to put this one in here, kinda sums up the strengths of ritual killer. i wish sammy just incorporated this into his main band.

i think its useful to think of “bestial war black metal” when trying to put this band in context. i am still not 100% sure what that phrase even means but let’s just say it means raw, hateful, fast, somewhat “old school”, relentless etc. ugly, hateful, maybe like teitanblood or this band revenge i’ve heard a lot of good things about.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=alltime&genre_include=1&genres=War+Metal&include_child_genres=t&include=both&limit=none&countries=

War Metal

now ritual killer is not categorized by RYM as war metal but I think a good case could be made!

axis of advance? james read? conqueror? blasphemy? sacramentary abolishment?

seems like for people who want to combine death and black metal but not in a “pussy” way hahahaha.

it is exactly the type of thing i wanted to make when i was 16 hehehe. rebel against the world sort of stuff. very hatefully.

just looking at the list of band names, album titles, album art gives you a pretty good idea.

i listened to the first ritual killer and it was so muddy sounding it was hard to enjoy. the second album, which ive been listenind to a lot of, has a much better enjoyable sound.

also it has tons of catchy riffs, all the songs are made of catchy riffs rather than a fuzzy, muddy, samey wall of sound, which i dont want. i want catchy heavy riffs. not people who got falling down sloppy drunk and decided to write the most extreme music ever about blasphemousgoatsodomybloodwhiskeyvomit. i like more fascist stuff about war and jackboots marching and mass graves and survival of the fittest with violent, fast, but catchy riffs, that aren’t so muddy that they stop being really heavy or catchy.

need something a LITTLE more serious that cares about songs and riffs. obviously i trust sammy d to do this! and it basically makes goatwh0re look safe and polished and vanilla and has more atmosphere than latter day GW imho, who while enjoyable…..i like something a little more extreme and underground.

but i like that the second RK album is much clearer and less muddy than the first album. clearer but still raw and face ripping. it captures my hatred and rage very nicely hahaha so i have been listening to it regularly and enjoying it more and more.

yes they are degenerates hehehe.

i imagine the Mosh Pit for Ritual Killer would be ridiculous as fook, ideally.

might just be the record of the…..season for me hehehehe.  summer 2016.

more extreme and underground and poseur-slaying than goatwh0re, which look like nickelback by comparison hahahaha.

it absolutely is related to blast beats. goatwhore has cut down on blast beats and RK has plenty of them. in every song. also a little rawer in production, yet still very heavy. wish i could say the same about the first album, which on the first listen, is just too muddy. much harder to enjoy the riffs. i never liked muddy.

this looks possibly promising

seems like goatwh0re is lumped in with “blackened death metal for poseurs” like behemoth or belphegor. or Babbys First blackened Death metal, then if youre Tr00, you graduate to more kvlt stuff like this WAR metal hehehe.

heh i should be a metal producer obviously. then i would be like hay guise you know your riffs are boring and stupid, why dont you try a little harder and bring me something GOOD.  dont you have any PRIDE in your WORK? you do WORK thats this shitty at your JOB? then your customers and your managers should be BITCHING at your constantly because this is SHIT and you shoudlnt be getting PAID for this! have some PRIDE in your WORK! You’re a white man aren’t you? Youre not an ingra are you? How can you think this shit is GOOD? You want a PRIZE for taking a disgusting tacobell shit? you present that to someone youre trying to IMPRESS and say gimme praise and plaudits for this SHITE?!?!?!?!

 

this is not a WAR METAL album but it comes close to what I am looking for, and I think even WAR METAL purists would agree that this album should get an honorable mention. Angelcorpse is about as KVLT as it gets and everyone agrees they were ahead of their time in combining death and black metal with ferocious speed and violence and aggression and hatefulness hehehehe. I particularly remember this album because I was very into metal in 1999 and they played some of this on the local Underground Metal Radio Show that ran once a week, broadcast out of a local high school. that was kind of a big Cultural Thing, considering we didnt Stream Shit on the Internet back then. You had to tie up your momz phone line for an hour to download a 30 second darkthrone clip hahahaha. this radio show was where i first heard this album, also the death album “sound of perserverance” which came out around that time, uhhh i heard hypocrisy “the final chapter”, some in flames possible “whoracle”, deicide “serpents of the light”. and well 17 years later its this angelcorpse which still sounds the most exxxxtreme hehehe.

at the time i was like WOW that’s just too much for me, i couldn’t take a whole album of that hehehehe. but I never forgot about it.

of courshe pete helmkamp has a VERY good reputation with his 14 bands, I am sure I would find other good stuff if I stuck with him.

so what skills ARE employers looking for, that they cant fill jobs, but there are thousands of long term employed out there? ok i get that you have to put forth the THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and THOUSANDS OF HOURS to TRAIN YOURSELF by paying for long collegelike training programs, because companies arent gonna do that FOR you……but how and where do you take like robotics training classes?

so and so took a robotics training course and immediately found a job making 18 bucks an hour.

i bet he has had secs in the last 12 years too hahahaha.

did you have to pay 14k dollars for 1000 hours of training so you could be qualified to enter a 14 dah hvac tech job, in 1980?

gotta smoke MJ and listen to WAR metal

so this is revenge playing live. sometimes they have the aforementioned helmkamp playing with them. but not on this show. the drummer j read has a reputation as a beast. he also plays with axis of advance and conquest and prob some other bandz. ok the guitar player was also in axis of advance. so revenge is kinda a contiuation of that band.

anyway i guess that would be a fun show.

i hate looking at job postings and thinking “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.” asking for 2 to 3 to 5 years of experience in something i have NO idea what it is.  that i have never heard of in my life. just to get a 14 dollar an hour job. and the ingras at macdonalds want 15 an hour!

or 80% of jobs dont even list a wage or salary. i think this is stupid because they could easily dissuade people like me from applying for a job by saying it pays liek 45k. then i wont even APPLY.

so THEN you have to look at Glassdoor and look up that job in your area and then you get a HUGE range and of course you should look at the minimum.

and be aware if this is a “contingent” or “flex” or “casual” or “noncareer” or “support” or “as needed” or “PRN” or “floating” position. because then you might get paid 15 an hour, but you wont get any bennies, and you sure as hell wont get a regular schedule.

went for 4.6 mile walk, listened to ritual killer, axis of advance, and angelcorpse.

the axis of advance (obey) was pretty ridiculous. yeah that james read is a beast and I liked the natural, untriggered sound of the drums. but I couldnt tell if he was playing slightly sloppy, or really, really good hehehehe. no doubt he is ambitious. but is he punching above his weight? a rockstar only in his own mind? or is he actually good? i think he is actually good, but I am so used to hearing fast drummers be all overproduced, and his wheelhouse is perhaps underproduced. which is my wheelhouse too. but the guitars are very low tuned and muddy. and i have a hard time with muddy. anyway it was fun just to listen to him spazz out. you gotta have a real hardon for drumz like I do, cuz it is hard to discern the riffs.

as i was walking around i saw alot of people partying around the neighborhood because it is 4th of july weekend. so i felt lonely and wished i had some frands to do something fun with on 4th of july hehehe maybe even a special woman to spend time with, certainly many other people are spending the holiday with their frands and special wimmin.

but at the moment i am distant from all muh frands. the only person i feel like being close with is HER…..and i havent talked to her in a YEAR! even muh frands i am not really close with.

http://hyken.com/customer-experience-2/customer-service-dont-know/

the customer service GURU shep hyken, what do you mean you never heard of him, then you dont deserve to make 20k a year! i dont care if hes a joo if he can help me SURVIVE and WITHSTAND at muh horrible cust service job! you think that woman has ever read anything liek this?!/!/1/1 hell no she just sucks dicks and says someone else do this idk lol just go with the flow slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp daddys cvmmies!!!!1

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/56636/how-do-you-respond-to-a-customer-when-you-cant-answer-their-question

listened to the angelcorpse album above, forgot how the guitar is “Phasery” and seems to go whooooosh in and out, which kind of reminds me of morbid angel “covenant” which is also a good album, but that guitar sound is weird. it sounds better when there is fast tremolo picking or noisy squealing solos. in other places it sounds very clean and not very heavy. kinda weird.

but the drums are insane out of this world! great drum performance here by tony laureano, great drum sound too. one for the ages. classic. the guy is a BEAST.

heh. i guess besides playing with 20 million death and black metal bands, he is also drum tech for megadeth and has recently been playing live with megadeth, but dave mustaine just hasnt found out who this guy really is, and also that he possibly played with satanic groups, which dave does not like now that hes a born against cuckstian hahahaha. but i think would be funny if laureano plays with megadeth the same way he plays on this angelcorpse album hehehehe. ie face melting blast beats.

real fookin interesting amirite? who cares hahahaha.

so. 30 to 40 years ago the normal woman would have just SCOFFED at Gay Marriage in a way that would now be considered Totally Literally Homophobic. They would go EW GROSS UM NO. NO JUST NO. UM YEAH NO.

But now they view you as a Bigot if you are not a Gay Cheerleader!

It’s tempting to see this as a sign that women are Morally Weak.

well…..when realyl what it is, is they Go Along With The Mainstream. They are the world’s worst conformists.

In other words, if we had a Trumpenfuhrer or more Right Wing administration in office, I GUARANTEE you normie women wouldnt be CHEERLEADING gays so much. and that can happen in just a few short years.

in other words, though the woman-hating part of you might say, LOOK AT THESE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING DEGENERATE WOMEN, WOMEN ARE INHERENTLY DEGENERATE, INFERIOR SCUM, DISGUSTING!!!!

I say SLOW DOWN, CALM YER TITS. yes women are herd lemming sheep and this can lead them into the mouth of degeneracy, but as long as they dont open their wombs to 10 different men, then i bet the SAME women who do stupidass Facebook Rainbow Flagtivism, would, under Better Leadership, sing the praises of One Man One Woman and the Tradfam.

anyway tony laureano might play in more of a controlled, accurate manner than j read, but j read is definitely more violent and aggressive. i bet laureano is one of those guy who looks like he’s barely moving as he plays br00tal 300 bpm blasts hehehe. NOT THAT THERES ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. but j read really embodies the idea of ATTACKING the drums, his word not just mine. And referring to himself as the “HATEHAMMER”. I have to wonder how serious they are about this “Superion” thing. It is a very darwinist, weed out the week, might is right, ragnar redbeard sort of view combined with very hateful humanity-hating misanthropy which seems kinda nihilistic. I imagine it HAS to be somewhat of an act, and I do like the act, but I wonder if these guys aren’t alcoholic degenerates in real life, heheheehhe.

whereas pete helmkamp has his “heretic supremacy” and “way of the conqueror” which is similar, but he actually seems like a normal guy who has a sense of humor and a wife and I would BET is less degenerate personally. than 45 year old men that talk about hateful violence and power and dominating and exterminating the weak and seem very humorless hehehehehe.

they see no point to kindness or luv or goodness and praise evil because it is destructive and destroys the weak bla bla bla. it is about as hardcore of an image as like early mayhem or some shit. i mean i hope for the sake of their SOULS they are not like this in real life.  because i do not like seeing talented white men not having children, or wasting their lives on nihilism and drugs.

yes i know there is a BLACK guy in the black metal band blasphemy, which is kinda the godfather of this whole “ross bay cult” scene which revenge and conquerer and j read is a part of. i guess they hang out in graveyards and do blood ritual and they are black metal “skinheads”. very interesting scene I only recently became aware of.

near victoria and maybe vancouver. sheeit I just thought the town was full of FOB Asians hahaha.

this is the album that started it all. black metal skinheads. they also like POWERLIFTING hehehe. one guy went to the psych ward. another went to jail for punching out a cop and now they cant come to the US hahaha. apparently somebody K’d themself at one of their shows. their shows are legendary and turn into full blown riots.

you probably have to be drunk or st0ned to enjoy it hahahaha i have  not even listened to it.

also i am confused that there is a Black guy in the band (“Caller of the Storms”). Well he seems truly into it so good for him.

“THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY.”

well whats HER side of the story?

probably that I got out of control, too weird, too much to handle, and she just couldnt handle me being so damn weird and overbearing and was better off without me. sometimes it reaches a point where you decide taht your life would be better without a certain person in it.

well i say that works for the best when both parties agree on that. i desperately wanted her to stay in my life because she made my life WAY better. and I made HER life WAY worse. heartbreak waiting to happen.

it just sucks when you make someones life worse, and THEY make your life better, and they kick you out of their life because you make their life worse. with absolutely NO regard to the pain that causes you. like you can SAY something like “now, dont take this the wrong way, im not kicking you out of my life because you make my life worse, its not your FAULT, its just that I cant do this rel, I dont have what youre looking for, im sorry.” nope you dont even get that.

uhh maybe click on the topmost link int he indeed list so when you reload the page when you get up the next day, you can see where the list ended the last time you looked at it, the visited link will show up as purple.

you can also use advanced search to filter out agencies.

i have not filtered them out, but i kind of want to.

but there will definitely be come a time where I dont want to filter them out. when I am moar desperate haha.

is there any “WAR METAL” made by Purely Nondegenerate Fascists? This WAR METAL is obviously linked with Fascism, but Tr00 fascists are not tattooed, drunkard degenerates who hate everything. They love their race and maybe their nation. they have a RaHoWa to bring abotu these glorious ideals. they are not glorifying destruction and death itself. They glorify the TRIUMPH of The Good Guys and the destruction of The Bad Guys.

so yeah while i like the tough guy shit of j read and revenge, i want something a bit more……i dunno. “serious”? Its hard to say they arent SERIOUS. well how about Less Degenerate? people who live up to rigorous Character standards.

ok skinheads used to represent The White Working Class, then got coopted by neo nazi gangs and fat skinhead rednecks. degenerates on meth and booze.

so……how about we get principled, non-degen, non-tattooed, drug-free, working-class, family men skinheads?

well dressed, well spoken, no tattoos, but still have short hair and working class jobs.

in other words, dont look like the ETERNAL ADOLESCENTS which is what METAL is. talk about ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT hahahaha.  and i am NOT talking about the j00ish tv show!

so….fascist war metal played by fine upstanding fashy goys who are well-groomed skinheads? i guess.

fascist war metal played by people that look like a fascist martial industrial neofolk band hahahaha.

just look how they use the WORD “fascist”: like “bigot” or “racist” or “pedophile”, its used as a SYNONYM for bad evil horrible person. which of course a paedophile IS…but NOT a bigot or a racist!

got to reclaim words like fascist, bigot, racist!

someone calls you racist, you say THANK YOU!

or you say SO WHAT? is that supposed to be a BAD thing? Shit YEAH Imma Raciss!

though the guys in ritual killer are a bunch of tattooed degenerates, i was happy to see them in some pictures holding Huge Guns, like very intimidating AR15 type guns. This generally sends the message that you are one of the Good Guys hahahaha.

white men who buy AR15’s are probably the type of people you want to be hanging out with. well just watch out cuz your tradwife might LEAVE YOU for them hahahaha.

basically metal that could be played during “TRIUMPH OF THE WILL.”

You seriously need to watch TRIUMPH OF THE WILL on a weekly basis. I need to watch it a lot more. I havent seen it in YEARS. I recall it being very uplifting and powerful. I should watch more of leni riefenstahl’s stuff. is it any good? she is a woman!!!!!!

yeah i had a fantasy about smonking MJ and cuddling up with That Woman and watching triumph of the will……or ANY movie or TV really. the main idea was smokin MJ and Cuddling while watching something. all the better if it were something GOOD like TRIUMPH OF THE WILL, THE BEST MOVIE EVAR.

HAIL VICTORY!!!!!!!!!

this is the sentiment that is missing in some of the hail destruction and death and get drunk metal hehe. we are, or at least the nondegenerate of us, are STRIVING towards a GOAL. towards a huhwhyte ethnostate with healthy huhwhyte families. where our women are not degenerate wh0res and our men are not sissy neet phaggot losers.

i listened to some of that blasphemy, it was ok, it actually was not as bad as I thought it would be hehehe. the production was ridiculous and I could not discern any of it. Really you just need to play it LOUD, which simply cant be done on headphones. again, i’m sure live is the best way to experience it.

which reminds me. like 7 or 8 years ago I saw the kvlt death thrash satanic metal band NUNSLAUGHTER which is i guess kinda related to the idea of drunken degenerates hailing satan and goats and vests covered in patches and they swill beer and headbang and act like big drunken children hahaha.

anyway I never really cared for nunslaughter on record, but live they were excellent and put on an outstanding show, even though I didnt really know any of their songs except the one where the singer says “I AM DEATHHHHHH” or something hahahaha.

anyway im sure they like blasphemy.

i didnt notice any superfast blast beats in the blasphemy album. but it was still moderately enjoyable. total drunk metalheads in vests with patches and goats type stuff.

i sort of enjoyed seeing that at shows, but i was never really a part of that either. i wasnt that social hehehe. plus drinking is a big part of that.

plus people one upping each other with kvlt vinyl and patches of bands where im like yeah, i only like a couple bands in this style. and i am such a big poseur I like melody hehehe. shit i like at the gates and dark tranquillity hahaha. so im not that KVLT in other words.

i fit in better with normies than with that.

i fit in with HER very well, better than i had fit in with anybody in ages. again its really hard for me to CONNECT and FIT IT with people. but with her I did. and that was VERY valuable to be. I lost something of great value to me and it was VERY painful to me. I just wish it was painful for her too. That I meant something and was WORTH something to her too, and that she SHOWED that.

listened to more of the axis of advance “obey” album. It is weird. i have this fixation on this j read all of the sudden. which is fine. but its a lot to take it. definitely a very unique style. makes you look at the drums differently. he does some things which i have never heard before. but i can’t tell how “sloppy” he is. i hate sloppy. generally. if he’s sloppy, he’s not super sloppy, if anything, its a matter of biting off more than he can chew, aiming very high. i mean he is already moving around like animal or keith moon or something. like if keith moon played tons of blast beats hehehehe. its interesting but its tiring to listen to music that is so CHAOTIC.

also the sound is so raw on the axis of advance, its hard to tell the riffs. and the guitars are VERY low tuned. im not even sure if they’re MUDDY per se.

also there are not that many NORMAL parts where he’s NOT playing a blast beat.

so yeah I def want to check out more of his work. obv i like extreme drummers and he is synonymous with that. i wonder if he is bipolar hahahahaa. PROBABLY.  what kind of wimmin does he go out with hahaha. is he a degenerate in real life. PROBABLY.

he’s an INTERESTING GUY, and a very interesting Metal Drummer. But I gotta be careful not to get TOO much of a mancrush on him!!!

better to have a mancrush on mikko aspa, at least he has a nationalist band and likes evola hahahaha. maybe he stopped making pornographic movies hahaha. i mean im not sure how j00ish the pornography wast

 

 

 

WOMEN: SERIAL HEART KILLERS

june 29

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit

how many job apps a day do i need to do to Feel OK about uh self? 5? 8? 10? 14? 20? obviously, the higher the better. because my new goal is to get to 500 job apps and maybe by then i will have a yob hahahaha. at 200 now.

well, how abotu 420 hahaha.

so not to DOX too much but at our weekly social game night we have a guy who has been “glomming” onto our group for a Long Time, like almost 2 years, and he has a reputation for being Drunk, Obnoxious, and Overbearing. It has gradually been getting Worse instead of better and our Group Leadership is reaching a point where they want to Dump this guy, but of course that would involve a difficult conversation.

i could not help but see the parallels between this and my situation, especially when Our Leader said half-jokingly that he wished he could just “GHOST” the guy.

HOWEVER there are also such important differences that this is APPLES AND ORANGES from my situation with the woman.

in other words, it would behoove me not to dwell on the tiny similairities here, but instead the big differneces.

because basically i dont want to be like this guy, also, this does not involve a close connection between two people, but a casual connection to a social group for a specific gaming night.

also he has a pattern of this type of behavior, and has been pushed away from other groups for the exact same reason.

but yeah i hate to think i was like HIM to HER.

but i WASNT, because we had a real friendship.

even APART from the Special Feelings which I had, BEFORE all that shit, it was STILL a Good Close Friendship. something real and long term and valuable and worth something. even BEFORE I got feelings. and you cant just throw something of Value away like that.

but yeah it was a good example of a Negative Cognitive Distortion (Despair Causing) when I thought O GOD IM JUST LIKE HIM to HER. I was so overbearing that I got what I deserved, i couldnt take a hint, couldnt see the writing on the wall.

sort of….but the relationship was TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYY different from this social group. I am not particularly intimate or super-close with any of the men, and I felt I was closer and more intimate with Her than with Them.

not that they are bad guys! the relationship is just very well-defined and compartmentalized.

even this drunk guy is not a bad guy per se….he just gets very overbearing when drinking. he is normally overbearing but its somewhat tolerable when sober, but he is unfort a bit of a habitual drinker, often pre-drinking before showng up to the pub, where he drinks some more and get incoherent, slurring the words drunk.

but he is not a physical or confrontational guy, rather he is desperate to Belong and Fit In and be Connected and Be Accepted and Have Friends. which are very legitimate desires which we ALL have. so i cant blame him for that.

but his personality and his drinking just push everyone away!

so i thought oh god what if my personality just pushes peopel away!

also i USED to be an obnoxious drunk like that who annoyed people with my drunkenness. but i totally changed that and stopped drinking altogether.

anyway  i hate to think she viewed ME like our group views HIM. just an annoying nuisance who needs to be kicked out because its just gotten to be Too Much and it makes the event less fun.

but again, APPLES AND ORANGES, because its a totally different type of relationship!!!!!!

now he is very bitter towards his ex wife, and i am SURE his behavior had something to do with that.

but im sure she gave him time. i mean they had to be MARRIED for like 10 years, they had a kid, etc.

but he managed to apparently make good money and retire at a very below average age and now has plenty of money to drink yikes.

its SAD really because hes not a bad guy, and there is some good raw material there. its TRAGIC how he pushes people away. its like a sad little boy who just wanted friends but he was just too much to handle so no one wanted to be friends with him.

and i hate to be like THAT!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/the-death-cult-skipping-towards-the-graveyard/37665

heheheh good anti gay article at daily stormer

mein negers hahahaha

i just gave andy anglin ANOTHER 50 cents the other day when he was having 503 server overload hehehe

but yeah I WAS OVERBEARING AND somehwat obnoxious i admit it…..but dont ghost me bro hahaha. i wasnt just glomming on to you. you used to show an interest in ME and said i was a good friend and i thought you were a good friend and things were good for almost 2 years and we got along really well. didnt THAT mean anything to you? didnt THAT build any goodwill? dont you think that earns me more than a Ghosting? i wasnt just some overbearing hanger-on. I was a REAL TRUEFRIEND.

i was a true friend, not some weird guy you just temporarily tolerated.

so i think i had EARNED better response to my weirdness, when I got weird.

protein powder + whole milk + coffee oh yeah hahaha.

some companies do not post on indeed at all but you can find them all over MONSTER. learn how to set up company alerts to email you immediately wiht new postings, from monster, careerbuilder as well as indeed.

references OTHER than previous employers and relatives??? AND relatives???? OTHER than previous employers??? wtf???

also applications that demand a full 15 year record INCLUDING explanation for ALL gaps.

i guess they are intentionally trying to limit their applicant pool….which is good for me, right?

QUALIFICATIONS:

Non Smoker

Does Not require Medical Benefits

hehehehe wow theres a new one, see something new every day. so you want medical benefits? NOT WITH US! you’re not GOOD ENOUGH to DESERVE medical benefits! you gotta PAY YOUR DUES before you can get a job with BENNIES!

was at the Supermarket and I saw a woman driving a car in the parking lot that looked SO MUCH like her. i thought it WAS her.

it wasnt the car i remember her having, but she could ostensibly have gotten a different car, there was a vanity license plate which she probably wouldnt get. there was a man in the passenger seat.

maybe she got a new boifran and is driving his car because he is in a bad mood or his license is suspended hahahaha. at least the guy was white hahaha.

hut yeah its hard to see a person driving a car 15 feet away, i tried as best i could, and all i could tell was that they looked very similar to That Woman. but this has happened occasionally. Every 25 year old white gurl with long dark hair wearing sunglasses I think is HER.

so, it probably WASNT her, but I still dont like seeing people that remind me of HER.

ok got it up (hehehe) to eight legit applications today. that was muh goal and i wasnt sure if i would get there. so good for me and have some grade A and B+ postings to do tomorrow.

or how about i need to get 100 rejection emails? only have 42 so far hehehe.

heh this is how i should be approaching WOMEN. 8-10 25 year old, no children, n < 5, white women PER DAY. hahahaha because there are a shitload of women like that.

hey you cant make a whore into a housewife. once a slut always a slut. better to have tendies than roasties hahahaha.

yeah i hate seeing women that look like her. reminds me of her. and we used to have something really GOOD. even BEFORE I fell in feelings with her, we had something very good and important and valuable.  now absolutely nothing but pain and bitterness and some regret.

some really good times like i never had with a woman……..but also some reallllllll baddddddd times that I think outweighed the good times.

but i want to have those kind of good times with a woman. but i still want HER to be that woman. i have not gotten over HER in other words and that will still take awhile.

but yeah you cant make a degenerate into a nondegenerate hahaha.

well sure you can! I changed my ways didn’t I?

i just think its apples and oranges when you are talking about an n > 4 woman. those are people you’re talking about. not like drugs or alcohol or some inanimate object. and that is the Life Creation Process we’re talking about, not just Getting Loaded.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WHORE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?????

heheheh

but yeah you fear that how can something THIS special happen more than ONCE in your life. i mean it feels like a once in a lifetime thing. moreover, how the hell is it gonna happen in like the medium term of the next ten years, because you want to find a woman under 30 so she can have damn CHILDREN, and having CHILDREN is VERY affected by age. Like yeah kinda stupid if I am 80 years old and finally find true luv again with some 70 year old woman. realllll fooking stupid. i think you only fall in true luv IF they are in fact YOUNG enough to be fairly fertile. in other words, being of Fertile Age can CAUSE luv. or its a PREREQUISITE. you’re not gonna fall in luv with a woman past the age of child bearing.

in other words, LOVE is Child-Focused, or at least, Reproduction-Focused. Life-Creation-Focused.

june 30.

ayo hol up. so i just got a sort of rejection email from the POST OFFICE saying that there is an exam requirement, and the maximum number of exam takers has been reached so….i am out of luck. this is for the carrier job. well sheeeit i already took the 473 exam or whatever and did pretty good on it. this is NOT the PSE mail processor job i had the more in depth interview for. but THEY said yeah we dont really have an exame for this job. in other words, i thought the exam i actually took was for this darn CARRIER position (also PSE I’m sure) which i got the email abotu today. so what if the tests are full? I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO!

anyway like i say i am very negative about the post office hahaha

but yeah technically yesterday was pretty good. got 8 legit applications in, got a 5 mile walk in the BEAUTIFUL sun, have to maximize that. made some cigarets, went to social gaming night, listened to the fatherland.

3 applications in before 12 pm hahahaha that is pretty good for me

did not have any interviews this week. ideally i would have 1 or 2 every week.

shit. got 7 done by 2:30 pm. so close to 8. gotta do it. gotta PUT IN THE REPS even when youre not getting results hehehe.

wewlad, 226 applied jobs now. got muh 8th in at a “business process services” place ie a possibly glorified kinkos hehehe.

so now would be the perfect time to go Find Leads. Originate Shit to apply to muh 8 tomorrow.

newest dark tranquillity album does not sound bad or even boring at all. he brings back the cleans a bit! and he has good cleans.

idiot on youtube says insomnium is way better than dark tranquillity. wow just wow. i cant even. no just no. um yeah no. you seem fun. you seem smart ahhahahaha.

im 12 and what is this

heh you know you are old when you dont have to make excuses to enjoy at the gates “slaughter of the soul”, or preface this with a bunch of apologies and qualifiers and ironies. because you are so old that you listened to it within 5 years of it coming out. but 10 to 15 years after it came out, it was reviled as the harbinger of super derivative and boring Melodeth that was just being copied and copied to death. yeah well i never listened to that shit. I just listened to SOTS when I was 17 and there was not really a New Wave of Melodeth. When dark tranquillity and in flames were still young and exciting bands. I actually saw DT and IF on tour together in concert. that was a good show. small club in….2002?

i didnt know much of in flames but they were headlining and they were real good.

but i did know some of DT and they were really really good and should have been headlining imho. but in flames was suprisingly good too.

and then in flames got crapped on to no end later, as did at the gates. DT got crapped on the least.

none of them really deserves to get crapped on!

good live recording of DT in 2009 (actually 2008). by this time i had tuned out of DT but i sort of came back later and caught up. good band. massive respect. I really should try to see them live again. it has been like 14 years since i saw them that one time hahaha.

well it is 4th of july weekend. all the managers and powerful peopel will be taking a long weekend so i prob didnt have a lot of chance to have an interview this week, and maybe the shit will pour in NEXT week, after the holiday.

rejection email for 35k a year admin asst job, a rare FT job at this place i would liek to get in. 28 days after the application.

heheheh so youre saying i should not expect much from those 40k jobs i applied to recently hehehe.

uh yeah i think i might be saying that? i dunno know and i cant get any clarification, so….you just have to take my not so good guess hahahaha.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

anyway DT actually make playing live look fun and remind me of why I wanted to do it. doesn’t mean they cant be degenerates tho.

but its hard for people who want to live a nondegenerate life of having wife and keeids.

oh you mean doing drugs and alcohol and banging degen disease sluts and acting like ingras all the time gets old? hahaha.

OF COURSH!

oh good for them, they’re not even so drunk they can’t play their instruments for the people who paid 30 bucks to see them hahaha. good for them. i dont show up so drunk to work every day that i cant do my job. when i had a job hahahaha.

see i experienced the drugs and alcohol but i never experienced the banging sluts. like a revolving door of white trash sluts with their own drinking and drug problems. i banged a very middle class slut once who went on to have a great career despite her bipolar hahahaha. although I’m pretty sure her marriage failed LOL. because she’s a bipolar slut who is probably really bad at relationshits hahaha.

well she’s good at career though. I am bad at both relationships AND career!

well at least I’m not BIPOLAR!

well i might be hahaha. give it another 10 years of Treatment Resistant Depression and Shitty High Stress Jobs and Woman Hating, hahaha.

its really not hard to like women if they’re not bitchy to you.

put another way, its really easy to overlook their major shortcomings when they are making an effort to be NICE to you!

if a job is in a Call Center, they should say that up front. You shouldn’t have to have a damn INTERVIEW to find out its in a Call Center. And also you have to ask them at the interview: yes or no. is this in a call center. and give me an idea of the pay. like, i will apply for a 30k job and feel pretty entitled. I apply to a 40k job and I know that is a Huge Reach, and maybe I shouldnt even waste my time.

but I would be most HOPEFUL about a….25-28k job. or a 14-15 DAH job. and you dont see a lot of postings advertising something in that sweet spot. you will see postings of 9 DAH or 20 DAH, with nothing in between hehehe.

well what I want is 14 DAH…..and no jobs will publicly post that wage.

hey really good sound on that live album above. that is NOT easy to do with a live metal recording. the vast majority of metal live recordings are shitty hehehe. can only listen to them if you are a Huge Fan In The Mood. but this one will make you a huge fan and put you in the mood!

heh. i wish i could just go back to drinking. its something social to do. you go out with people and you DRINK. and hopefully they like you because you are out socializing and DRINKING with them. I guess I could bring MJ to these sorts of things…..but i dont like doing MJ with people unless I feel Super Close with them. I always feel very Self Conscious, liek people are Judging me.

so it says a lot that I really WANTED to smoke MJ with That Woman…..when NORMALLY I dont want to smoke MJ with ANYBODY.

thats actually a good measure for how close of a friend they are: would you want to smoke MJ with them, or would you just get nervous around them?

a “good alternative” to me drinking would be me doing BENZOS hahaha. but I would need to take a COUPLE. take at LEAST 2 valiums or xanaxs, if not 3.

some women will stubbornly stay with and NOT give up their boifrands who are depressed or otherwise Not Right hehehe.  I have to think that these men are extremely masculine otherwise, because Depression (Despair) makes a man less masculine and essentially makes him VERY unattractive to women, in other words, it will drive women away, and you can’t expect ANY woman to Be There For You during your Hard Times, because your Hard Times will make you very repulsive, and you will push them away.

Now I’m not saying your GF Waifu should help Cure Your Issues. I AM saying they should Stand By You and Support You while you DEAL with the Ups and The Downs. And now LEAVE you when you start first showing Signs of Weakness and you Need them the Most, then blame them for being Weak and Needy.

So what ELSE is it about these Depressed men who DONT drive their tradwaifus away with their depression? Where the woman says, oh noes, I want to help my beloved husbando get through this! We’ll get thru this together!

cuz bitches dump ME at the very first sign I am not fooking Super Confident Thor Alpha. And Depression/Despair attacks your Alpha Confidence DIRECTLY. It attacks That Which Makes you Attractive to Women.

Meanwhile, when WOMEN get Depression, it has NO RELEVANCE to what makes women attractive to men. So Men are more likely to stay with a woman with Issues, than a Woman will stay with a man With Issues.

shit That Woman didnt even know the Depths Of My Despair, shit as far as I’m concerned its nobodys business but my own, i refuse to tell a woman about it because I KNOW it will make them BOLT like the road runner, leaving just a cloud of dust.  cuz thats just how women ARE. they leave you in the lurch and dont support you, so you better not show ANY weakness or need of support.

so i never told her I see a shrink once every 3 weeks, or that I have been taking AD’s since like 2008. and that this despair is very much tied into my Failure At Life.

But she didn’t really care that I was a Failure at life! She didn’t SEE me that way!

and honestly i am not a TOTAL failure at life! My True Friends dont regard me as a total failure who doesnt deserve to have True Friends!

they dont BAIL on me the second I have a Personal Problem!

True Friends DONT DO THAT!

And I thought she was a true friend.

but its my fault to compromise that with muh feelings. muh fee fees .

i think she WAS a true friend, but she was an IDIOT about dealing with that.

i was an idiot too, or, more accurately, a coward.

shit, she was an idiot AND a coward! and idiot because she totally misunderstood what this meant, and she felt betrayed and mad. at least I was smart enough to know that It Wasnt Betraying.

stupid idiot. would rather suck dicks and get fooked up the ass than not throw away someone she was true friends with for 2.7 years hahahahaha.

i REALLY hope not all women are like this! and she was one of the GOOD ones!!!!

well this is just a case of a good person being a YUGE coward.

ive been a huge coward too and i am basically a good person. but no one was really HURT by my cowardice, other than myself. i never broke anyones HEART with muh cowardice.

i dont WANT to break anyones heart……even after its been done to ME! i dont want to put anyone through this! i would make an effort NOT to break a persons heart in this way.

ok have to do the 5 miler, listen to dark tranquility and the fatherland with richard spencer the phag lover hahahaha. he’s got a faggy voice, why doesn’t his wife leave him? and she’s not even a man because they have a child together!

well because he’s very handsome and apparently charismatic, to lead his organzation. but he doesnt seem THAT charismatic tho! But he IS very handsome. and I think he Lifts. just a little at least. but that phaggy voice and the lack of charisma is gonna cause his wife to leave him and their child hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

went for 5 mile walk, only listened to dark tranquillity, pretty good show, maybe the guitar sound wasnt AS good as I thought it was, well its still pretty good. very listenable. but I still dont see how “when death is most alive” is a better closer than “final resistance” or another bona fide classic.

and whenever i experience good thrilling things, i wish SHE was there to Share them with. but she is gone forever.

yep 11.5 months later and still.

it’s honestly LESS PAINFUL to HATE women!!!! than to think of her and still want her!

so thats why i hate women. it’s BETTER than the alternative!!!!! its LESS PAINFUL to ME!!!! it protects me and builds a nice protective scar over a deep gaping wound! it allows the gaping wound to slowly HEAL! but its only about 55% healed so far! in 1 year! therefore, 100% in 2 years! yeah thats heavy…..AS IT SHOULD BE!!!!! falling in LUV is a BIG DEAL!!!!

2 years is ok, 4 years is not. and I REALLY dont think it will be 4 years.

set up google alert to deliver me news on the organization that is pushing for legal weed in muh state because they dont have a mailing list and i dont want to look at their facebook hehe

muh soggy knee

damn. weed is degenerate ingra trash but i still feel it would HELP get me THROUGH this Trial. more like a prison sentence hehehe. one more year to go hehehe.  just got to keep going through the motions till then.

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/t/arizona-has-collected-200-000-signatures-demanding-marijuana-legalization/37833

heh tailor made topic for me. great comments

As for those who claim using weed can alleviate anxiety and depression, so can companionship and community. In fact, I would venture to say it is our atomized society and destroyed families that are the cause of so much drug use. The long-term solution to drug abuse is the re-establishment of the traditional family structure and society. In the mean time the powers that be should use draconian laws to crack down on this behavior.

another:

The real studies on the long term effects have shown that marijuana increases the size of the pleasure centers within the brain, which means it requires ever greater amounts of stimuli to trigger them.

What this means in real terms is that outside of the activities that are enjoyed while getting high, the smoker is being actively “brainwashed” or Pavlovian trained to only enjoy consuming the mediums and doing the things that are commonly done while high. This means TV and movies that are produced by j’s that are targets those specific markets is that much more effective in indoctrinating those people.

In effect marijuana allows them to brainwash those people and condition them to be purely hedonistic consumers and likely race-traitors.

It basically means that marijuana is an effective weapon to leverage goys into degeneracy.

That is why they push for it. Every place that has legal marijuana also has ridiculous firearm restrictions as well. There is no such thing as a coincidence when talking about j’s.

another:

Alcohol will kill you before it allows you to be effectively indoctrinated.

I am not advocating it’s consumption constantly or in excess, but it’s far less dangerous to our society than marijuana. Marijuana is very deceptively dangerous, as it’s danger is subversive, not visibly present.

another:

An ex-weed smoker here.

Weed is much more dangerous than people think. It won’t get you crazy, you won’t kill your family, won’t make you do crime to get it. But it weakens your willpower and gives you a false feeling of saticefaction. Also people think that it lasts for a couple of hours and that’s it. It’s bullshit. It effects your brain even the day after you smoked it. The majority is just too blunt to notice it. But it really does.

ok thats enough haha. END QUOTES

but im using it for MEDICAL purposes, to help with muh despair and anxiety. and to help me get over broken heart. and to help me escape into a fantasy world from a disappointing real world hahahaha. to be content with substandard shit. to be content with being a LAZY LOSER the rest of muh life. yikes!

I took responsibility for what I did wrong, why couldnt YOU???!?!?!?!?

because she was having hard times in life, was overwhlemed and scared, and was cowardly and immature, and her father abandoned her, and her BF broke her heart and threw HER away recently, and her mother doesnt get along with men well, and she’s still not over the more serious BF, and she is Emotionally Retarded hehehe.

so I don’t really mean WHY, i mean, jeez I wish you could have taken responsibility for what you did wrong, like I did.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID WRONG.

I DID!!!!

really i dont care if MJ gets legalized recreationally, it would be just as good for me if Medical MJ were approved for Despair or Anxiety, because I have documented conditions for those. ESPECIALLY despair.

at the moment, shady old retired doctors will give you a certification just for walking in. doesnt matter if you have no records, no bona fide doctor patient relationship, no qualifying conditions!

that is how That Woman got HER medical card! just wandered into some random place and was “in and out in 5 minutes lol” with no medical records, no questions about qualifying conditions. she doesnt even know what the qualifying conditions ARE. and lemme tell ya, she doesnt have a one.

i could probably ask the guy i see at my weekly social thing if he can get any MJ for me hehehehe. my problem right now is that I dont really know anyone who can get me it hehehe. it used to be That Woman because she had a medical card and went to The Store regularly and was More Than Happy to Pick Something Up For Me. and I said ohhh thank you sweetie you are the greatest, i hope we can hang out this month and smoke some MJ together, it would be so much fun! never happened hahahaha. but she had no problem with buying stuff for me. Weird amirite? well i mean I would pay for it of course hahaha.

i mean 10 years ago, the whole town would go “dry” and we couldnt get MJ for WEEKS sometimes hahahaha.

and you certainly couldnt have any CHOICE in what KIND of MJ you got! you either had low medium or high quality. no differentiation between sativa and indica, which to me is the most important thing. sativa makes me panic, indica doesnt hahaha.

but despair peopel who take MJ can sometimes get WORSE! maybe thats what happened to me, now i am permanently fooked up!

 

REMAINS OF A LOST DEAD CURSED RUINED SOUL

june 17

met with recruiter. he was no older than 24 years old and had a Portfolio Binder proudly displaying his Alma Mater, which was the Main Rival of My Alma Mater. We called them Idiot Jock Meathead Racists who would be working for US, they called us sissy stuckup snob autist phaggot nerds who don’t know how to pull pvssy. there was no mention of alma maters hahaha. the young man was very nice and had good People Skills and Communication Skills. I explained to him that I was “intentionally looking to move in a different direction than an inbound call center role” had he said “I understand” hahahaha.

they want 1 or 2 MORE references from THAT place. they want 3 references from the last 3 years. I said YESH OF COURSHE I’ll give you some more references from the tech call center. so now I gotta do that. like it’s pretty clear they are gonna call them. maybe they will be like, i am sick of giving references for this asshole, why doesn’t he just get a JOB already, fook it, plus I’m already giving references 8 hours a day for all the people we laid off while also looking for a new job myself because I am laid off, lets let this one slide, besides, he left 11 months ago, why didn’t he just take that job at the healthcare tech call center a few months ago like alot of our people did. what is he holding out for the perfect dream job? he hasnt paid his dues yet! just look at his resume! look at his age!

Thank you for applying for the position of Administrative Program Assistant with the cityname. At this time, your application was rejected, as your submission does not meet the minimum qualifications as listed in our job description and advertisement.

OH WOW what a bunch of assholes. that is the most dick asshole bitch rejection email I have gotten yet! its basically saying YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO READ and YOU ARE LESS THAN THE MINIMUM.  if i had thinner skin I would maybe take that personally hahahaha. i have received MUCH more polite rejection emails than that. usually saying thank you for your interest and don’t get discouraged.

i was driving around afterwards in this very unfamiliar part of town cuz i kinda like that “field trip” exploration aspect of exploring unknown areas sort of near my home, and i approached a roundabout with a bike path. Like an asshole I advanced into the bike path. I saw a guy coming on his bike so i said oh shit and backed up to try to get out of the bike path. i was not fast enough and he slammed on his bike brakes and almost fell off his bike. it was a light skinned black man who did not look thuggish. I backed out of the way and said SORRY IM SORRY out the window to him. then I very sheepishly got the hell out of there. he did not fall off the bike but it looked like he was having trouble with the brakes of the bike. i just got the hell out of there at that point, muttering SORRY SORRY SORRY. I might be a huhwhyte supremist, but I don’t want to cause blacks to be thrown from their bikes because I don’t know how to Share The Road. plus I am not great with New Roundabouts, which this was.

anyway I felt bad, he seemed like one of the decent blacks, and I didnt want to hurt him or damage his nice looking bike.

then i took my field trip into J00land, driving down a street that had a lot of J stuff: yeshiva, Joo senior living, jooish apartments, I even saw what looked like an orthodox jooish woman driving a crappy old minivan with a hebrew bumper sticker. I thought hmm I thought no joo would be caught dead driving such a shitty car, but I guess these orthodoxes arent as filthy rich. Also this area in general has a lot of blacks too, so I can’t imagine joos wanting to live around here. so there has been some jewish flight, but there is plenty of j00ish infrastructure here from a generation or two ago. synagogues and schools and such. including one bigass temple that has lotsa joos probably coming from a few miles north where the housing and pubskools are a lot nicer.

but yeah da joos moved out to nicer place where there is a fancy jooish community center. I should check that out some day.

the one thing I like about da j00s is they have a very strong community. stuff like joo camps for kids with Leadership Training programs, where the kids are basically shown how to Lead and Succeed in life. then they succeed, make lots of money, and give back to the JCC. you basically have a real presence of very rich and successful professionals who are also very socially active in the community centers, and with the youf and teens. to help them get into good Colleges, and to Design very very viable Career Paths, get good internships, get good jobs, build good resumes, and steer them the right way when they go astray. stop smoking that MJ yitzak, that is for the shvartzes. Here, get a summer job with cousin moishe and make 15 dollars an hour and he will write you a great recommendation letter to get into harvard business school hahahaha.  and you can drink manischevitz with him after work if you want and molest children at the JCC hahahahahaha these fookin abominable perverts hahaha.

i GUARANTEE there is some child molesting at these place, probably at a higher rate that what goes on in the catholic church for example.

in fact i recall hearing a news story a few years ago where a camp counselor at this fancy JCC was arrested for child pornography hehehehe. but i dont think it was of actual children at that JCC.

I am a SUCKER for children, I don’t think even the children of inferior races should be hurt in any way!

horry sheet, looks like millennial woes is speaking at npi 2016 in november in dc. that is, they are flying his neet ass over from scotland to come to the us, and if I went to NPI, I could probably meet him hahahaha. there will probably be a couple of TRS guys there too.

250 bucks to get in with “MILLENNIAL PRICE” 100 for people under 30. check your millennial privlege reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

well i hope this doesnt soften MW. it would be nice to meet him tho.

it would be just plain nice to go to NPI, its prob the biggest Alt Right Event. i mean yeah they let nonwhites in, and ramzpaul slobbers all over “khazar milkers” of ratface J’s, and jack donovan fooks men like women, and they band matthew heimbach because he’s anti-gay, and allow roosh to come in and patronize them hahahaha.

but they still have kmac and woesy and f roger devlin, having henrik and lana again, they are good people. makes you want to get your own tradwaifu and start your own pro-white media empire hahaha. well i dont trust lana entirely, i am not really jealous of henrik, she seems like she could get really annoying hahahaha. so he can have his beautiful blond wife to have babies with hahaha.

lotta inside baseball, either you know these people or you dont. i would like to see basicalyl everyone from TRS, and also andrew anglin and weev. not sure if richard spencer gets along with them. probably not. its hard to keep track of who hates who hahaha.

basically i want there to be a TRS conference hehehe. and or daily stormer.

it costs 900 dollars a month to keep the TRS server running ahahaha.

hehehe got up at 7 am so i am a little tired hahaha. but it is a beautiful day, 88 degrees, perfect temperature hehehe. sunny. want to get some sun, vitamin d, gives you better health and confidence.

unbelievable. i REALLY triggered the host of the fatherland with my 25 cent donation hahaha. he could not have taken that a worse way. he thinks it is either insulting trolling, or, assuming that i am in good faith, which I am, that uhhhh i shouldnt even bother hehehe. THANKS. that feel when you want to join a group but they dont want a loser like you as a member hahahaha. becuase i couldnt donate 20 dollars like the one guy. he was gonna mention first names but he didnt because his internet was not working, but it sounds like he might mention first names later in the show. good lord. this is embarrassing. and he might mention me next week when he finds out i upgraded to 50 cents, and then bitch about THAT being not good enough either hehehe.

i mean yeah I probably COULD afford more but i don’t feel comfortable giving more because uhhhh no income at the moment. maybe he is implying that if this is all can afford to give….then maybe I’d be better off just saving the money for myself hahaha.

WELL FINE I just cancelled my monthly donation because I cant handle the BANTZ of the successful winner normie white fathers. cmon guys i just wanted to be like you hahahaha.

well to their credit it was mainly jim who was really triggered, the other guys didnt seem to care.

maybe this is a sign saying LOSERS DONT DESERVE TO FIND A GOOD WIFE AND REPRODUCE.

what about reproduce with a bad wife, hahahaha.

obviously what we need is a neetcast, this is a slap in the face of neets who want to become normie husbands and fathers, but are having trouble winning that struggle. achieving the success you need to attract a decent wife, and have children. the healthy happy normie dads wont let me in their group, im too much of a neet loser for them, so maybe i better just try hanging out with other losers hahaha.

of course im overreacting, just as jim was overreacting, and even he probably doesnt really CARE, he’s got better things to worry about. but if he doesn’t want my money then FINE hahaha I cancelled it. I will still send anonymously with btc then.

this is the trouble when dealing with fascists hahaha. i like fascists but they do not like me because i do not represent EXCELLENCE. fascists dont like losers in other words. heh.

but yeah i am not THAT butthurt….but I really dont want jim to mention even my FIRST name, and then start harping and moaning again. fine you dont want the money, i wont give it to you then hahaha.

he’s a good guy, but he is the type to get rustled by such a stupid thing!

maybe this obsession with having children and being a father is just a temporary phase that I will grow out of in a few years hahahaha.

that would be kinda sad though. i dont want to be an antinatalist loser the rest of muh life!

i was already rejected brutally by the woman i wanted to have 14 children with! jeez JIM! cant you be NICER when rejecting my DNATION hahaha.

so i am the RIFFRAFF who they dont really want as a member of such an EXCLUSIVE movement.

there was a young man in a TRS helicopter shirt spotted on some local tv news footage at a trump rally in texas. a handsome, young, fit looking winner. exactly the type of guy TRS wants representing. I mean I agree as well. but I dont personally live up to that standard!

but again this is just bantz i suppose. there are some neets on trs. but probably not a lot listen to the fatherland!

so yeah in a few weeks i wont even care and no one will remember hehe. i just hope he doesnt mention my name in this episode or the next episode. even if he does, i will blush and feel horribly embarrassed or maybe fast forward to the end of him bitching and kvetching about it, then continue to enjoy the show.

i just wanted so show a token of support to something good, give a TIP rather than take something for FREE.

i mean there are successful people in the movement who can afford to give good dnations. not like super upper middle class, but solid middle middle class. engineers and scientists who make 70 grand a year and can afford to live in a white neighborhood and have white children and attract a decent wife hahaha.

but that definitely aint me babe!

took some nyquil.

did nice powerwalk and still 191 calories over for the day. i had a massive appetite all day and could have easily eaten more.  but thankfully right now I am not starving or even hungry really. because in order to lose weight you have to be at least somewhat hungry at all times hahahaha.

but yeah, women dont like losers, so if you get dumped, and you’re a loser, then arent you the cause of the dumping, because if you werent a loser, she would have like you and not dumped you? jeez. sucks being a loser and KNOWING it and feeling unable to really DO anything about it. you can’t live out the 14 words so you try to show support for groups who DO live out the 14 words and they don’t want your support because its too meager because youre too much of a loser. same reason you can’t live out the 14 words yourself because you can’t attract a wife….because you’re a loser hahahaha.

hehehehehe. oy vey those are some confidence-crushing negative thoughts of despair!!!!

june 18

mmmmaybe she was OUT OF MUH LEAGUE. because in my mind my league is liek the absolutely worst and “circus ugly” women…..although my standards are way too high. i mean my standards ARE too high and I should lower them.

for a while I thought I was lowering my standards by going for HER, because she was kinda in a lower league than the previous woman, because she had no real father, is borderline white trash, etc. but then i determined she was still a nice dateable gurl. the important thing was that she had not been with too many guys and was still kinda innocent and cautious.

now im thinking SHE was still out of my league and i have to lower the standards MORE. basically to someone who HAS been with a lot of guys, is closer to 30 than 25, is a single mother.

im like oh fook i really dont want to do that……but what the hell do I have to offer a woman anyway? not much. I am unsuccessful, old, weak, omega. I havent PROVEN myself. I dont DESERVE a good woman.

Mrs Wikernes says regarding women, at 20 they have their pick, at 30 they’re on sale, at 40 they have to take what they can get, and at 50 no-one wants you.

maybe i should aim for 40 year olds hahahaha.

but i hate lowering my standards. its kinda funny that i still have standards. i know logically I shouldnt have standards, because I’m not worth much on The Market. yet STILL I want an attractive woman, a 25 year old woman, a low-number woman, a woman with morals and a good family, etc.

interesting black metal / old school / thrash band i recently discovered because sammy duet was wearing a tshirt of them and I could see how he, and probably I, could like them. just old school japanese wild men who kept it pretty raw but also werent afraid to think outside of the box. and all the stuff is about evil and satan, bla bla bla.

catchy riffs, headbanging parts, but also lots of melodic sorrowful parts with weeping guitars. and this is from 1995, when stuff like this was truly underground.

so yeah thank u sammy for wearing that sabbat shirt hahaha. and there is also the english sabbat to make things more confusing, and they are probably more well known. maybe.

heh. when i find music or something that is Really Awesome and gives me Good Feels, I want to SHARE it with Someone Special, like That Woman. like oh lets cuddle and rock out to SABBAT together hahahaha yeah right. yeah obviously women who like metal are fooked up sluts you want to stay away from. i am speaking more generally, in terms of sharing your interests with somebody because you like them, and they indulge you because they like you too, and maybe come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of you. hopefully hahahaha. just simple honest good faith SHARING.

watching recent goathwore live vidyas doesnt hurt at all. re my ben haterade. ben is clearly a decent guy. they clearly put on a ridiculously good show. it sounds rawer and the vocals arent super loud. everyone is having a great time and it is very high energy. i should really go see them again. they tour enough. i always have a clear mental image of sammy, except now he has longer hair and more degenerate satan tattoos hahahaha. i would always make a point of standing near sammy to burn that image into my mind cuz he is muh riffmaster.

I do like that Ben seems charming and polite and gracious rather than a fooking dick or a little bitch. he luvs the fans and the fans luv him and they give it back and forth.

also i listened to “carving out the eyes of god”, their 4th album, which I never really listened to. it was kinda their big breakout (2009?) and I couldnt into it any more. my hate was at its peak hahaha. I hope I didnt think they sold out because now they were generally not as many blast beats. and now there are solos. and the first song was the catchiest song they had ever written and made them some actual money.

anyway i can see clearly now they didnt SELL OUT. i was just not personally ready to meet that album where the band was at. now I am. they clearly did not sell out! also the vocals are mixed very well, not too loud, he even seems to take my suggestions and not say this as much and to not have a constant stream of lyrics. in the live setting you see him doing air guitar to sammys riffs, AS YOU SHOULD hahahaha. respect the riff master.

also the production is very good, heavy yet clear. drums sound great. lets give this new drummer a CHANCE eh? give him some time to get more comfortable.

so yeah. carving is also a great album, 4 for 4 great albums at this point, im sorry i didnt listen to it in 2009 but i just wasnt ready. you can’t FORCE these things. so I dont feel TOO bad hahaha.  but I am glad and thankful that I came back to it 7 years later!

also sammy started playing solos on this album and maybe i saw that as “selling out”? I hope not. now its clearly a very natural thing to do. it adds to the song, never feels forced, keeps ben from singing too much, allows sammy to shine in a different way, adds to the atmosphere of the song, and seems like they were always there. so, good move on the solos, and I don’t think they ever stopped.

so yeah mainly i am thankful i moved out of my goathwore/ben hate stage and can be just a little more reasonable about it all, and get caught up on the 3 or 4 albums I missed.

but i still wish I could Share my fun discovery with somebody special, namely that woman hahaha. she was not a huge metal fan and I wouldnt want her to be, but she was open to some metal and I could probably get her to like a gw song, and that would be enough for me. like i say, if gurls like TOO MUCH metal, thats weird. but I like it when they like you enough to begin to appreciate your tastes and you gradually mold them without even realizing it hehehe. not that I ever really had that happen. but she used to be so nice and friendly to me, and think I was so smart and cool. that was great for the ego!

until I started liking her and turned into a weak omega, then she was disgusted by me.

come on! i was still the same person she once thought was so cool! why couldnt she see that! because women hate weakness, period, AS THEY SHOULD. so ALL women are like that? OF COURSHE! but it doesnt mean all women SHOULD be so MEAN about it hahaha.

women who were out of my league who didnt want to be more than just friend have been a lot nicer to me when they rejected me. in other words, not all women will always use The Silent Treatment.

and she wasnt using the silent treatment because she was bad or evil or WANTED to hurt me….she had a lot going on in her life and just didnt know how to deal with it all. unfortunately for me the silent treatment was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. For Me. hahahaha.

ok gonna officially try to give an honest listen to that sabbat album. i havent seen such stellar reviews in a long time hehe.

well i was listening to it when muh shitty earbuds died on the left side and then music became unlistenable.

DF FORUMS POST

Yikes, just seeing the phrase “call center” strikes fear into my heart! I too am part of that dubious club. Not anymore however, and hopefully never again! And I had pretty good callers compared to the average, I think. This was technical support for a large company. While thankfully my callers were usually pretty nice and understanding, thank goodness, I was still filled with anxiety and always felt a “knot of dread” in my stomach, because the technical issues we had to deal with and their “solutions” were so confusing and complicated, and you never knew if the next call was going to be simple or ridiculously complex.

It was like taking an exam in a hard math or science class, where all the problems were hard word problems, and you had the world’s worst “teacher”, and people were hovering over you demanding you to explain yourself every step of the way, and there are no lectures or teaching, only exams. It is a terribly stressful feeling to be so confused all the time. Someone is calling you and they are frustrated and anxious and you have to fix their problem……but you have NO IDEA what they’re talking about!!! “It’s my JOB to fix this?!?!?! I don’t even know what they’re talking about!!! Help me!!!!” there was the sense of drowning, as you madly thrashed in a violent sea. You just wanted a more experienced, confident person to swoop in and save you, and show you what to do.

We had some help from higher tiers, but it was all through a chat room where we had to attempt to describe technical issues we didn’t really understand, and then attempt to implement advice we didn’t understand, while trying to explain things we didn’t understand. It is nerve wracking to try to explain things you don’t understand. It’s your job to be the expert and fix things, but you know even LESS than the person CALLING you! They might have more luck trying to fix the problem themselves! But you just have to think THAT quickly, that you can attempt to fix something you have no mental concept of, for a person who has at least SOME mental concept of it! It was really like the blind leading the blind. The curtain was pulled back and the great and power Oz was revealed just to be a call center of chattering monkeys with computers and headsets, hahaha.

Yes there was an emphasis on metrics and handle times. Sometimes we would be DESPERATE to escalate because we CLEARLY had no idea what was going on, and were practically BEGGING for permission to escalate, just so someone with more experience could take a look at this, and not grasp at straws, or at least look more intelligent than us. It’s frustrating to be made to feel dumb when you sort of know you’re NOT dumb….or are you? I mean you have no idea how to do your job! Maybe you are dumb! (No, not you personally, I am just repeating the inner monologue I had every day!)

Some things that would have helped us are: REGULAR TRAINING. I would have loved to have an hour long training meeting once a week just to TALK to people, just to have experienced people make sure we understood current issues, kind of like a teacher teaching a class, discussing the material, before putting us on the phones. But taking a large group of people off the phones for an hour would be unthinkable, there are calls that need to be answered and handled ham-handedly!

Also having a rule like “if your call is going over 20 minutes and you are getting stuck, you have blanket permission to escalate, and don’t have to beg like a peasant and struggle for an hour looking like an imbecile”, that would be good….

Or having level 2 and 3 people get some MANDATORY time on the phones each week, so they can stay humble.

Or have real flesh and blood people walk around and help people who need help, rather than reduce this to a darn chat room. (They used to have flesh and blood people, but of course those were cut, to cut costs, and we switched to the stupid chat room.)

Oh dear I get flashbacks just thinking of the stupid headset, and the stupid red bubble that would pop up when too many calls were holding in the queue: “QUEUE HAS EXCEEDED ITS MAXIMUM SERVICE LEVEL”

My place was above average in terms of nice callers, and nice coworkers, and nice managers, and I managed to survive much longer than I thought I would (1 year, hehehe), and started developing actual knowledge and confidence and competence…..but I also worked with my friend who I had fallen in love with (another sob story, hahaha) and the stress of that situation and the general stress of the job combined and I just snapped and broke down. I quit the job but asked for a “leave of absence to take care of personal issues”….and then I never went back, and I don’t think I COULD go back to ANY call center, hahaha.

It took me forever to get over the stupid painful drama with the female friend, and it has taken even longer to find a new job. Funny thing is, I have tons of recruiters contacting me offering jobs in call centers. My point here is, a call center job might be the easiest job in the world to get, and is somewhat attractive with decent wage. And they will hire just about anybody with a pulse. Which I think is weird, because you have to be QUICK and SMART and SHARP in order not to sink when they throw you in the deep end. And it seems like it would not be cost effective to hire 20 new people when you KNOW that 10 of them are not gonna make it. How is this more cost-effective than simply investing more money in TRAINING?

hehehe, I would get frustrated even just trying to think of explanations from things from a cost perspective. What the hell is the management THINKING? I would think. Doesn’t it cost you MORE in the long run to put a band-aid on issues and give callers the runaround? Won’t they just call back AGAIN later? Why NOT spend a little more time to solve issues at their root?

And just the fact that you NEVER knew what the next call was going to hold, and you could NEVER take a break from that ringing phone.

The Quality Team “checking in” on you when your call went over x minutes, or when you have been in “after call mode” too long.

Our place would offer overtime hours but I would always AVOID it because I thought “I would not answer phones for another hour even if you paid me $XY dollars an hour.”

Many times I thought I would love to take a 30, 40% pay cut just for some time off the phones. Something less stressful. Let me clean the world’s filthiest toilets for a couple hours. But that was just wishful thinking, hahaha.

Anyway I am glad to be out of that environment but your post brought me back down memory lane, hahahaha.

I would not fault you at all for resigning from the job. I would get so stressed out, I could not eat, could not get to sleep thinking about all the crazy stuff that might happen tomorrow, have dreams about the job, wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing about crazy nonsensical technical things that could happen, have stomach aches and nausea before going in, etc etc.

You have to have NERVES OF STEEL to do well in a call center over the long-term. As soon as I started having some problems in my personal life, the whole house of cards collapsed. I couldn’t deal with my job, I couldn’t deal with my life, I couldn’t deal with anything, I just broke down like a helpless baby.

And you SO calling you “lazy”, wow I would be upset about that! Try not to let that affect you. I know easier said than done. Have they ever worked in a call center before? I believe it’s impossible to understand unless you’ve been in that seat, worn that headset, taken inbound calls for 8+ hours a day, every day, every week, every month. Taking CALLS. Good Lord hahaha. Never again!!!!!!!!!!

Bless all the people who can do this and haven’t gone completely insane yet and can still manage to keep it together!!!!!

OK rant over. But this is a GREAT topic for a rant!!!!

Anyone other lost souls of call center purgatory/hell out there have some rants to share, please do!

And OP please keep us updated on things!!!!

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that was my post i mean hahaha. OP was worried sick about their call center job.