aug 25

ok when i get muh 15 emails every morning with job stuff, i should SET THE TIMER and go through those in 30 minute chunks and then basically log and keep track of that time. because it does take valuable time is money. and i should measure that timemoney for muh job search metrics hahahaha. spreadsheetz.

so, start the timer, go in 30 maybe 40 minute increments, and keep track of that time! dont just look at the list of emails and groan and go through them without keeping track of your VALUABLE 14 DOLLAR AN HOUR TIME! USE THE CASH CLOCK!!!!!




heh. note to self and others: if you think you can make “bulletproof coffee” with cold or cool coffee, think again hahahaha. i thought i could somehow “whip” muh spreadable butter into the coffee if i stirred it vigorously enough. now there are just many disgusting little blobs of butter in the coffee hahahaha.

maybe a blender would work better?

dsw shoe place sucked, my next place is jcpenney. jcp does not have Crocs tho hahahaha. they do have nike and adidas and new balance running shoes tho.

ok the cool coffee with blobs of butter was so gross that i had to microwave it hehehehe.

i used to go to kohls as muh main one stop department store but i might become a jcpenneys man hahahaha. i have been dissatisfied with kohls for a few years. plus mr kohl himself is a LITERAL JOO. plus their sonoma store brand, the pants never fit well, even though just looking at them they look good.

what about MACYS. what about BURLINGTON hahahaha. i dont really luv shopping but i dont really luv looking like a neet virgin either!

but since i am always losing or gaining weight, all my clothes are either too big or too small.

yeah that gris 2007 album IEUF is more up my alley than their 2013 album. production wise at least. it is more black metal. im not crapping on the 2012 album, i just want soething more black metally right now.

singer sounds really good still, guitars are more black metally, drums sound good. 2013 album, no real problem with, but I am SUCH an AUTISTE about production that if the production isnt PERFECT, I cant even listen to it. so the 2007 album is more perfect sounding to my autist ears than the 2013 album. which isnt bad and could certainly be a grower. i cant crap on gris, they have an obviously great style.

yesterday i thought that infamous blackgaze phaggot NEIGE sort of looks like That Woman. ok i just watched a video of him and….not really. he does have really nice long hair like she did though hahaha. and a big nose like she does. he sorta looks like nick cage tho. did SHE look like nick cage? that might be enough to turn me off of her hahahaha. Nick cage is weirdly handsome but i dont want a woman who looks like nick cage.  or neige.

i remember listening to “ecailles de lune” when it first came out (2010???) and i was like wow this is pretty neat, very atmospheric. back then “blackgaze” was not even a word. and i was impressed with neiges screaming voice. it was a decent straight up “depressive shrieking” which is a lot like what gris does.

now neige was never really “depressive.” at all. but its probably not a stretch to say maybe some of his stuff was more “melancholy.”

heh being with that woman brought me to that magical nostalgic peaceful fantasy world alcest is always going on about.

if im reading this correctly, its that neige never even listened to shoegaze until people kept telling him his music sounded pretty shoegazey, then he discovered slowdive and went all in with his shelter album. so, in other words, like one reviewer says, neige invented blackgaze “by accident.”

i noticed that when i heated up the disgusting butter blob coffee in the microwave, the butter melted and STAYED MELTED even as the mixture cooled off to around room temperature. i thought it might turn back to blobs. nope.

ok now what if you melted the butter in the microwave, then poured it into cool coffee? room temp coffee?  my goal is to have it NOT turn into blobs!

ok made the phone call to the auto service before the end of the day like i was wanting to. i still hate making phone calls! there is a recall due to air bags. i can get it repaired fo free but have been putting it off. normies have to take an unpaid day off work and risk getting FIRED whenever they need to get their car fixed hehehe. i can do this anytime, because i am a jobless neet, but i was afraid to make the call. well today i called them finally. it was either that or go to jcpenney.

looks like my nemesis KOHLS has crocs. why am i so fascinated by crocs. they are ridiculous. are you supposed to wear socks with them? because i would use them as sandals and NOT wear socks with them.

ok there is a crocs STORE near my house, in the newer mall that i refuse to go to because all the kewl young gurls go there. hehehe. all the more reason to go there. follow 18 year old hawtties around like a 35 year old creeper hahahahahahahahahahaha jk.

be like wanna come back to my huge molester van and smoke MJ and listen to GRIS hahhahahaha. maybe gris AND trist. is that supposed to rhyme.

no i dont have a huge molester van!

also i dont have any MJ. and i damn sure wouldnt have the balls to ask 18 year old gurls to come to muh van and smoke MJ with me hahahahahahaha.

women: dont be such disgusting, degenerate nihilists! or is it nihilistic degenerates.

like stories of the bride to be on a bachelorette party getting drunk and they run into a bachelor party and then the bride to be fooks some badboi right before she is supposed to be getting married. and the expectation is that the husband fooks skanks on his bachelor party.

YOU DONT OWN ME! i can do what i want with my body! dont be so possessive and controlling and clingy! of course i can fook other people when i am getting married the next day! marriage doesnt mean monogamy! monogamy is misogyny! monogamy is HATE!

heh whenever you meet a married couple, ask them if they have an open marriage.  the proper reaction is to react with lip curling disgust. NO, we’re not DEGENERATE. then you say, good, i was testing you to see if you are degenerate. you passed. good for you. i dont associate with open marriage degenerates. we live in such a degenerate, nihilistic era, that some people think that cheating on your husband or wife is just fine. just making sure you’re not like that.  just making sure youre not such a shitty goddamn cheater that both of you have rationalized that cheating is ok. fook that shit.

when i was out in the world working muh horrible job, i was amazed at how many normal people were DISGUSTING CHEATERS. people who seemed normal and nice were cheating on their husbands and wives. and it seemed MORE prevalent with the OLDER people, like by the time you get to 30, cheating is just a normal thing you do as your first marriage falls apart. super black pill. aso. brack pirru.

german tech company has not responded to my email saying yes you can call me to do the phone screening at these times. they contacted me first! then i responded back promptly. and now nothing.

aug 26

had semi weird dream that provided interesting food for thought. sheeeeeeeit at least 8-9 years ago my male friend had a gf and they were quite serious, have been in a traditional monogamous nondegen ltr for liek 4 years at least. i hung out with muh friend a lot, she hung out with him a lot, so i saw a lot of her, which can often be a problem in male male franships, except that i got along with her really well, and i was not really the third wheel. we would all have fun smokin MJ and watching movies and eating food and having dranks or whatever.

anyway my friend and the woman broke up. i was still very friendly with her and even hung out with her a little bit, which i was well away at the time was potentially controversial. yes it would be, i thought, if i had any designs on her! but she’s just a nice person, we get along well, and i dont have any other female friends. its not like im trying to GET with her. that would be just weird. and also potentially traitorous to my friend. i dont want to do that.

“on the job training provided for the RIGHT candidate” ???!?!?!?!?!!


not even taking into account that “on the job training” is ABSOLUTELY JOOISH BULLSHIT, but now its just being dangled as the reward for GOOD performers only. otherwise you get punished by being fired, or no OJT at all.

and of course the main reason OJT is BULLSHIT is because ITS NOT TRAINING AT ALL.

its you look like an untrained idiot in front of customers, then bother another busy person to show you how to do your job, and their customers and your customers wait impatiently and get bitchy, and you look bad, and your coworker resents you, and the company looks bad. lose lose lose lose lose situation.

anyway. re the 2008 or so woman. yeah she pretty much was a female friend. i got along with her well, she was very nice to me, and she was qt. sound familiar?

one day something Snapped, and i was like WOW she is a TOTAL qt, i would really like to bang her. but thats weird because that is one of muh best friends ex gfs. i respect him enough to never do something like that. but damn she is a real qt for sure……

and this was after she had started dating a new guy. probably a little too soon for my liking after the end of her rel with my friend.

sound familiar?

so, after they break up and are single for 2 months, thats when my feelings start to change, and then when they start dating a new guy, my feelings are unequivocally changed. like maybe hmm. so you were looking for a new man but didnt even consider me.

now, with that 2008 woman, i didnt have a deep luving infatuation or crush on her like with w2015. i just wanted to bang her. but i liked her as a friend. and the emotions were conflicting and confusing. also, we hung out much less as she dated the new guy. also the new guy seemed like a decent enough guy, i think they might have gotten married or at least stayed together for years.

so, w2015 was like the next level of that: we were even closer friends, i was more in luv with her, the whole thing went on for longer. also there was never the issue that i might be betraying a friend of mine, because she was never dating a friend of mine. i became friends with her directly.

but yeah in the dream there was that woman from 2008 and i guess i was trying to secs her up, touching her and trying to take her clothes off.

so yeah the main takeaway is that i probably had some kind of feelings for her, and was an indicator that i was capable of getting feelings for a female friend who i thought was just friends. or at the very least I could discover that there was signif Secsual Attraction there that I wasn’t initially aware of. and its weird. because you think ive known this person for months or years and its only NOW I’m “discovering” this physical attraction for them? when men including me can usually tell within seconds whether or not a gurl is attractive?

I think i always knew these women were attractive, but there were other mitigating circumstances where I knew that being actively attracted to them was morally wrong (gf of my friend, and or she has a bf) or inconvenient (shes just a friend, besides i am hung up on other women)

anyway i never had a big blowout with the 2008 woman, i was never deeply in luv with her, we just sorta drifted apart as she got more serious with her new bf. but there was no hard feelings and no hate or bitterness or coldness or butthurt whatsoever, and i remember her fondly and wish the best for her.

and my male friend found another seemingly decent woman and got married to her and they had a baby and i hope they have more. all white of coursh hahahaah. they have been together for like 7 or 8 years and she seems decent, i dont think she’ll ruin the marriage hahahaha. i dont really know her tho.

i was reading a blut aus nord review yesterday and the guy was like memoria vetusta II is a special album, i listened to it after muh GF gave birth to her child.

implying that the child was not his.

implying that this skank got knocked up by some loser who ran off immed after getting her pregnant.

implying that she started dating this black metal loving sap WHILE she was pregnant with the other guys child


then the reviewer was like, i was devastated when she left me and i couldnt listen to this album for a long time.

and i thought, WOW, this guy is super pathetic cringe.

first, falling in luv with a pregnant woman.

second, being dumped by her after she has the baby, and being so upset by it.


the woman should be glad any man can still love her after she had another man’s bastard.

yet she dumps him exactly because he is a sniveling, supplicating, weak, phaggy omega.

don’t be that guy.

i have never fallen in luv with a Single Mother or been dumped by a single mother, and I hope I NEVER do.

i guess i would bang a slutty single mother. but i still have a healthy disrespect for single mothers.

i mean theyll never tell you the truth. its always its all the guys fault. he was a total jerk and deadbeat. and acutally that may be the truth. but then…..why would you have a baby with him? because you are a white ingra who lives on instant gratification and cant think of the future. and i damn sure cant trust you.  you create life WILLY NILLY with men who would be terrible fathers! your judgment is even worse than the average womans! which is pretty goddamn bad as it is!

thats ROCK BOTTOM. when you are desperately in LUV with a single mother. I hope i NEVER get there.

especially a pregnant woman. she picks deadbeats who cant even stay around for 9 months. and why are they even putting themselves on the market when they are PREGNANT? and what kind of pathetic guy sees that and says yep thats acceptable? a rock bottom man even more desperate than I hahahahahahaha.

so he can go beat off with his own foreveralone virgin neet tears with his blut aus nord albums hahahahahaha.

no i have nothing against BaN and I would like to listen to them……if they didnt use a DAMN DRUM MACHINE.

USE REAL DAMN DRUMS. yet for 20 years and 20 albums the guy uses a blatant machine sounding drum machine. yet i can appreciate him as a good guitar player and probably good songwriter. so just play the drums YOURSELF, i will take a sloppy amateurish drum performance over a MACHINE ANY DAY. the most important thing is the drums sound good, and this guy is prob enough of a Studio Nerd to put in effort to get good sound. so just get a good sound and put in a completely amateur burzum drum performance. shit i LIKE the way varg plays drums. its NOT HARD to play in time. just fookin PRACTICE for a few hours. and the practice should be FUN, because DRUMS ARE FUN. inherently. fooking call ME up and i will do the drums even though i am the biggest amateur  and havent touched a drum set in like 8 years.

i am AUTISTIC about drums as you can see hahaha and I HATE drum machines in black metal. any kind of metal or rock. electronic drums are JUST FINE in electronic music. but elsewhere? never.

ok. had butter coffee plus a .25 scoop of protein this morning. as much as i hate to take in calories before 12 noon hahahaha.

heated up coffee in microwave so the butter actually melted hahahaha.

so now i am comparing and contrasting that woman with the woman from 2008. they were similar in that they were both very nice to me, we got along well, and they were willing to hang out with me, hahahaha.  when i first met w2015, i guess she sorta reminded me of w2008. they even looked a little alike. but as of right now, i found w2015 way qter. she had longer legs and longer hair and a bigger bottom and i liked all that very much. jeeeeeez. the less said the better. damn. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

but yeah in the dream i was very hot to bang the woman from 2008. and i think i got her pants off and got a glimpse of The Action, but then the dream faded out. of courshe.

anyway i hope she is married with children by now. she has to be about 30 years old by now. WOW.

and one day That Woman will be 30 too. about 4 years from now hahahaha.

sheeeeeit i wish i were 25 or 26 again and had a full 4 years to go before 30!

anyway. were these women REALLY all that similar? or did the fact that they were qt and nice to me and friends with me and we got along make me THINK they were similar.

well they had sort of similar faces. both had pale white skin. they both partook MJ and because of that seemed chill and Cool. the previous woman had a lame tattoo but it wasnt a dealbreaker.

but you develop a fondness and sense of closeness when you see a woman regularly for over a year and get along well.

oh yeah at the tech interview they (the actual tech supervisor) asked me if i understood the OSI model. I grimaced and said yeah I’d studied it in a networking class about 5 years ago but I honestly don’t remember a lot of specific. I know there are 6 to 8 layers, including the application layer and the network layer, but…..I’m sorry sir, I would have to refresh my memory on it, but I assure you I would do that very quickly. hahahahaha.


heh. yeah we covered it in muh networking class which kinda sucked. the teacher was a nice guy but he wasnt a great teacher. its HARD to be a great teacher with a topic like this. but you kinda need it because the shit is kinda obtuse. it does NOT come naturally.  it does NOT make much sense.

rejection email for 20 hour a week, 11 dollar an hour part time job at local college where i was kinda hoping to get the job and they seemed to like me. DAYUM. interview was 11 days ago.

it was a doable job, nothing glorious, but nothing that would make me ragequit, i could go there for 20 hours a week and at least HOLD DOWN SOME SORT OF JOB while looking for another job.

meanwhile that bitch works FT making 16 dollars an hour and doesnt ragequit and has already made 30k more than i have in the past year hahahahaha.

hehehehe i hate competing with women in career IN ADDITION TO essentially competing for their physical and emotional favor. now you have to make more money than them and have better career status than them too.

and it does make you feel like much less of a man when a woman whos much younger than you is doing a LOT better than you with career and making money. no WONDER she rejected you, ya damn neet loser! you cant work and make money like a real man!

sheeeeeeit that guy who i was playing phone tag with called me BACK! and i missed the call! i called him right back and got VM. sheeeeeit. so now i will call him back every 10 or 20 minutes until 5 pm hahahaha.

it is 325 right now.

i didnt expect him to call me back! after i called him back, left a voice mail, then called him again the next day. i just figured he’d call one of the other 500 applicants.

this fookin guy i used to work with fookin looked at my linkedin profile and stole some of my blurbs for HIS shit with the company!!!!!! white guy but fat as fook. he was obnoxious because of his fatness alone. he was REALLY fat. typical computer gamer who does nothign but sit at the gaming machine and eat fast food and drink soda. he had a GF but guess what, she was a fat pig too hahahahahahaha. she might have been cute if she lost at least 100 pounds too! she was young and didnt have a fat ugly face.

i only talked to him once and he was not as obnoxious as i thought he’d be hahahahaha. so i figure he’s just a decent white guy struggling, so i will let him copy and paste my paragraph hahahaha. not sure if he found a new job yet. he strikes me as not too much of a go getter. probably milked his unemployment as much as possible hahahaha. he went to a high school in a real white trash area of town, so its good he’s not a drug addicted, pill popping, tattooed eminem wannabe hahahahaha.

come to think of it, there were quite a few people from that white trash high school at this job. before working there, i had never really met anyone who went to that school.

my female former friend could have gone to a REALLY white trash high school but she somehow got school of choiced into a better high school? I think? I would have liked a chance to talk to her more about that. get to know her better hahahahaha. i hate fookin WOMEN hahahhhaha.

FINALLY. got ahold of the guy, got interview set up for tuesday 4 days from now. NOICE. number 18. unsuccessful interview number 18. got to get to 25 or so hahahaha.

entry level test technician for testing inspection and certification. testing parts. really hands on he says. did not ask about wage sheeeeeeeeeeeit.

hey dont get the hopes up hahahaha. this is ONLY the 18th interview. i got to get to at LEAST 25, 30, 40, or 50 remember hahahaha. im not lean and mean enough yet. havent paid muh dues yet.

but yeah i get SOME confidence boost from getting a new interview. and then can also get a conf boost if the interview goes ok. if the interview does NOT go ok, then i feel bad for a few days hahahaha.

of course, even if the interview goes ok and i feel good, i still know i wont get the job hahahaha.

also the place is really close too. and full time. probably at least 12 an hour hahaha.

its only 7 miles away. dayum. believe me that is huge.

today i kinda felt like going on okcupid and seeing what kinda bangable 25 year old sluts there are out there. i mean i dont want to go to a meth addicted hooker, so might as well go to a oxy addicted nihilistic skank who beleives their nihilism and hedonism is something like “i am a very LOVING person, i LOVE everybody.”


-t. i cant remember who, some vaguely alt right person of courshe hahaha.

ok gonna give this one a try now. i heard their first album years ago and remembered it was pretty good “atmoblack”, not all pvssy and blackgaze, yeah theyre hardcore pagans but they didnt seem like communists. also i found the fact that they were english to be interesting. maybe an anglo saxon sort of paganry hahahaha.

WOW the hr gurl who is 10 years younger than me, confirmed the phone interview finally, for monday. sheeeeit i thought she forgot about me too. well i have never had a phone interview to bomb hahahaha. i am not confident they will call me in for an in person interview.

and then i have an in person interview on tuesday.

i am not counting the phone interview as a real interview, ie, towards muh number.

so the one on tuesday (plane/car parts testing lab) is The 18th Interview. well 18 is an auspicious number in golf. maybe the 18th will be my lucky one hehehehe.

and today a guy i went to community college with 5 years ago sent me a request on linkedin. we were in an economics study group together for the one bitchy econ prof. i wonder how many econ instructors they have today. come on. like they couldnt just get some dime a dozen mba to adjunct instruct econ 101 and 102 for 15 bucks an hour hahahahaha.

oh sorry i guess they make more like 30 bucks an hour. well. hmmm. thats not bad then.

wodensthrone album was ok, good, listenable i guess hahaha. i listened to the first song, some of the second song. all long songs hahaha. and mainly listend to the fatherland.




feb 28

welp started the day off with some decent cleaning, got a big bag of stuff to throw away, and got another bag of stuff to donate. i am not a hoarder but i still have a ton of stuff just sitting there for years and years. some of the stuff reminds me of my degenerate and failed past….so i throw it away. if its donatable, i might donate it unless its too degenerate hahahaha. like books and cds and dvds or shit. cassettes and vhs i would prob just throw away.

mantras include:

i dont want her. i dont want her. i do NOT want her.

i will let go of her.

i am DONE with her.

i didnt do anything BAD/WRONG.

this is not my FAULT.

of course its good to admit responsibility and FAULT when you fook something up. and certainly i was not PERFECT. but to say the whole thing was my FAULT is inaccurate. really the root cause was the same as it ever was: she just wasnt interested in me That Way. how I handled it was not great, and how she handled it was insanely incomprehensibly catastrophically godawful.

well see i DO admit responsibility for the stuff that i screwed up. i just dont think warranted what she did in response.

not all women are like that hehehehe. some women will put forth an effort and try not to hurt you.

tricky response: yeah, SHE was like that, with OTHER men, just not with ME. therefore, it must be something wrong with ME.

what is the rational or at least healthier response to that: well last time i had a big rejection in 2012, the woman made an effort to do the right thing, and i dont think i screwed up any worse this time than i did last time. her response was just totally different. different women are different hehehehe.

its like when single momz who fall for badboyz say, i dont want a BOY, i want a MAN, i guess referring to the maturity level of the guy.

some guys are defnitely immature, but some guys are definitely mature and great and awesome.

many women are definitely insanely immature….but some are more mature.

some men would make horrible fathers and abandon their wives and children; some men are obviously great fathers and great men.

same thing with women. some women would make horrible wives and mothers, some dont.

bbbbbbut she could have been such a good wife and mother!!!! she would have been a great wife and mother to that other guy who didnt luv her back!!!!! and me and her got along as friends soooooooooooooooooooooooooo well!!!! couldnt we just get along like that, only at The Next Level??!!?!?!

apparently not. i thought we could. she thought no fooking way.

i guess if some stranger treated me bad, i wouldnt think it was my fault. or if they were “just a friend” i wouldnt get AS emotional. but when someone you LUV treats you badly, you think, o god what did i do wrong?

but then i thought, whys SHE so mad? she wouldnt be so mad unless she had some kind of feelings for me too! but maybe she just doesnt realize it. women are very subconscious like that. they have many powerful motives that are hidden to them, like the reality of what qualities they are attracted to, hypergamy, hating weak men ahhahaha. they will never admit that because they dont really KNOW about it. its hind brain lizard brain stuff they dont understand ahahaha.

i dunno. i just wish they were nicer when they dumped me hahaha. well some have been!

and this was just extra devastating because i felt closer to this person. we werent just going through the short term relationship simulator.

good lord. ask your darn MOM the best way to dump a NiceGuy Pussy. she might not be perfect either but she probably knows how to do that. she prefers badboys too, she understands hahahaha. but she would probably be better about not BLATANTLY breaking niceguys hearts.

realize what youre doing, wanting out of the rel while they want in, is inherently selfish, and inherently hurtful. theres no way around it. so take up the responsibility that goes along with the right to end a relationship at your will alone.

maybe pay the early termination fee to show some more good faith. just give me 1000 bucks.

well i never dumped anyone before. you know she probably WAS aware of all this. and it probably made her feel scared and overwhelmed to the point where she ran away from that.

she probably said i dont really want to hurt him. but i cant deal with facing him.

and of course in doing that she hurt me MORE than if she had just said something to me. at all. even an email hahaha.

yeah i never dumped someone. i am also a confrontation avoider. i dont WANT to hurt people.

heh. theres an interesting though: she did this because she DIDNT WANT TO HURT ME, and just avoided it altogether, which resulted in HURTING ME MORE than if she had just told me.

lesson: avoiding the person hurts them MORE.

anyway yeah i would be prone to avoiding too. i guess i can understand and forgive.


dalrock: ” Marriage lite: mistaking “No sex before monogamy” for a moral statement ”

he does pingbacks and though i like and endorse dalrock, i just dont want pingbacks to my blog on other peoples pages hahaha.

also he is a good writer, but its confusing to discern his sophisticated points, and imho, roissy is the better writer.

anyway i think dalrocks point here is that serial monogamy is immoral and a form of immoral promiscuity, although serial monogamy is much easier to make excuses for especially for christians.

i will probably be increasingly pro-christian for the rest of my life; but i like to look for the nonreligious explanations of morality nonetheless, to not use religion as a proxy for morality. some people are very religious but can still find religious excuses for being immoral. religious loopholes. i dont like that. something is not just immoral because god doesnt like it; its immoral because it hurts people and or debases you or others. immorality is inherently immoral and that is WHY god doesnt like it.

you should strive to find things immoral for the same reasons that GOD/religion finds them immoral:: because they are INHERENTLY WRONG. not because the SkyDaddy is making up an Arbitrary Rule to restrict yer freedumbs.

basically, GOD has a damn good REASON for forbidding the things that he does. you should try to understand that reason.

so how do i feel about serial monogamy? i think its better than parallel nonmongamy, ie dating/fooking several people at once; its better than cheating; but it still kinda sucks. because it means you have someone LINED UP from your STABLE and are ready to go with them the INSTANT you break it off with the previous guy. or gurl hahahahahaha. meaning you checked out of your previous rel long before you broke it off, and didnt make an effort to fix things with that person. you were just looking for the right moment to leave. monkey branching. branch swinging.

it debases the other person because it treats them as disposable garbage, and says this relationship wasnt worth enough to you to take some TIME on it afterwards and reflect and learn and just be Single and get over him. it meant you were already over him, unavailable to him, and starting to be available to others. its a damn slippery slope to cheating. its cheating without the cheating hahahaha.

take some TIME to process the relationship, the death of something and someone that should matter to you, before you jump into something else. usually with sex on the offer within 6 dates at MOST, more likely 3, and god forbid 1.

look for the comment by “joe blow” on the dalrock article. trying to boil things down as lessons he would teach his son. realize that roissy is stripping the MORALITY away from things, which is not good imho. we should ALWAYS be concerned with morality. find a woman who is likewise concerned with morality. morality is important as FOOK.

roissy says women in love are like beta men. WOW. immoral though he is, this is a great and true statement. they willfully submit to luv, they will be heartbroken if dumped, they probably want to put lots of effort in, they are committed for the long haul, in short. they care about your feelings. they do tuff things for you. they try to talk and work things out. they are somewhat desperate to hold on to you. they cant imagine life without you. they would seriously considering laying down their life for you. love IS beta.


dalrock: perversion of the word “ABUSE” to mean “anythign the woman doesnt like.” and sometimes the truth hurts. sometimes things take work and struggle and its not FUN. but if you arent constantly making her haaaaaaaappy and are annoying her, then its EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

and if you are like me, you would be HORRIFIED to be accused of any kind of abuse!!!!!


the temptation for wives to claim abuse; EVERYTHING is “ABUSE”

now that woman never accused me of abuse but it certainly crossed my mind.

if you say youre not an abuser, then youre an abuser in denial. if you say you are an abuser, well you heard it straight from the horses mouth, hes an abuser!



everything is abuse, everything is neglect, not making her haaaaaaaaaappy is abandonment and abuse and neglect and Manipulation and Controlling.

these are not accusations to throw around lightly!!!!!!

i and other niceguy pushy doormat lower betas like me will never be accused of Raep, but it is entirely possible, and much more probable, that we will be accused of Nonphysical ABUSE. That we really didnt commit. and then hate ourselves for being such evil abusers.

in the manosphere they talk about false raep accusations all the time, but i think false ABUSE accusations are even worse. much more likely for the average man to face.

well, im not falsely accusing her of falsely accusing me of abuse hehehehe. she didnt accuse me ANYTHING.

but my mind was throw into overanalysing obsessing overdrive. i thought she might Wrongly Think I was abusive. i wrongly accused MYSELF of abuse!!! did i abuse her???

well NOW its OBVIOUS that i didnt abuse her.

well that was ALWAYS kinda obvious. but i worried that i was being MANIPULATIVE and DECEPTIVE. or i wasnt sure if i had BETRAYED her or not. and betrayers are in the lowest circle of hell hahahaha. its a terrible sin to betray someone, a TERRIBLE sin, and i dont want to betray ANYONE!!!!!!

anyway im not accusing her of anything and she hasnt accused me of anything. maybe she does in private, but never to me. i just dont know ANYTHING about what she is thinking about me. now, prob NOTHING. i am dead and gone to her. wow. looks like i made a real big imapct on her life, was a real important person to her, eh?

yeah well at one time i was. at one time our friendship was very mutual and two sided.

i just dont like being THROWN AWAY, and i suspect that NO ONE does. not even dirty sluts.

and i dont have the highest self esteem anyway. i have a lot of self loathing. and i STILL doing like being treated like garbage!!!!!!!!!!


”  No decent parent would ever want their daughter to be offering herself to random strangers online, and decent parents would be horrified if their son brought home a woman he’d picked up that way. “Tinder trash” for a daughter-in-law? No, son. Leave those trashy women alone.
Remember that herpes is incurable, 21% of women are infected, and I’ll bet the rate of herpes infection is even higher on Tinder.  ”

referring to:



theres some marxist feminist shit in vanity fair OBVIOUSLY but it still paints a degen picture. gurls having secs on the first date, guys having 40 partners in a year, 3 partners in a week. the young girls say some sensible things and the men are portrayed as brutes. but i would say Women are just as good as men in Caring Less, in the Who Cares Less competition.

not sure how cool this RS mccain is, but he was banned permanently from twitter for….some kind of wrongthink. but he might be a neocohen or cuck hahahahaha. but being banned from twitter is a good signal.

also, this is NYC, manhattan no less, full of degenerate young ivy league ibankers and patrick bateman types and the women who want them. these are not normal people. these are outliers of degeneracy.

so tinder is probably somewhat less degenerate here in flyover country, but how much?

how many guys has SHE gotten with from tinder? okcupid? how long does she wait before giving up the secs? does she have herpes now? 21% chance hahahaha. when some guy says i want to throat fook you and jizz on your face, your only a mile away, give me your location and i will be there in 30 minutes to fook”, does she say yes?


dont give sex until youve gotten the mans commitment.

women are the gatekeepers of sex, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. this will NEVER be false. this is human nature. and women have lost sight of this. they need their fathers to teach them. i think men havent forgotten their role though. but it doesnt stop them from taking sex freely offered!! and they just wont commit to any woman, because theres no woman WORTH committing to!

heh. that vanity fair article was triggering. i mean what do you expect from an Oven Middle Class SWPL piece of shit like that hahahaha.


but yeah just the description of these tinder using degenerates is so degenerate. why dont they just STAHP doing this before theyve had secs with 40 guys? they talk to that degenerate christopher ryan who wrote the degenerate book “sex at dawn” and he actually had a good point, that these apps make it too EASY to overindulge and leads to “psychosexual obesity.” good line there. ive often compared promiscuity to GLUTTONY. dont be a GLUTTON and indulge your Appetite and stuff your face. its like a fat slob, or a drunk, or drug addict. SHAMEFUL. shows no self control. degenerate.

and i hate to think of My Perfect Wife going on tinder. just being so goddamn naive. she really needed a father. shame on her father for abandoning her.

i hypothesized that maybe she viewed ME as a father figure. maybe even i subconsciously ENJOYED it. i dunno. maybe it was just simple white knighting for the fatherless gurl. she needs a man to care for her and lead her. love her and lead her. i was happy to do this. i just needed some luv back once in a while. some commitment.

i think this is just part of the natural husband role. love and lead your wife.

what does she do when she gets dick picks from these perverts? or dirty messages saying AYYYY BABY WAN SUM FUKKKK? does she meet up with the black guys? guys who have their shirts off in the pics? guys that any decent father would be able to tell her, stay away from that sleazebag? her mothers smart enough, couldnt SHE tell her to stay away from these guys? she is very close with her mother. why doesnt her mother say you wont find any decent guys on that shit, dont get into that shit. stay off that shit. no daughter of mine is gonna be a tinder slut. when the father is absent, the mother can still say that.

its not even like she was a wild child rebellious youth either, banging badboys at age 16. she had only been with ONE GUY until it ended when she was fooking 24. was with him from like age 19 to 24. the prime of youth!!!!!

ONE GUY!!!!!! yeah that is super important to me, so its NO SURPRISE i got feelings for her. since i place such importance on chastity and innocence and purity and not being promiscuous. she fit that criteria in a BIG way. she REALLY sored high on that metric hahaha. so therefore its not surprising at all i got feelings for her.

so it sucks to see her on the borderline of becoming a slut now. when you thought she was out of the woods. who BECOMES a slut at age 25? answer: the women that didnt become sluts before 25 hahahahaha. if a gurl is not a slut during college, what a miracle, she can become a slut postcollege after she starts her career and gets lonely. Enter Tinder and Degenerate online shit.

i hate viewing women as immature infants who have no agency in all this. yeah women are naturally more immature and infantile than men which is why they need mens protection; from their fathers when they are children and from their husbands when they are adults; and that the white knight drive in men is healthy and natural, being protectors both as husbands and then as fathers; but do women have to be COMPLETE infants who have NO agency or control? i would like to think there is a happy medium.

so because women have no agency, anything that happens in a rel is by default, the mans fault.

its like fook i cant read your mind. i know you have been distant but you say other things like yes i miss you too we will hang out soon dont worry. but how i am i supposed to know you dnt really mean that? apart from the obvious writing on the wall hahahaha actions speaking much louder than words. ok i SHOULD have know. but i was blinded by muh feelings.

heh some say the manosphere are Equalists because they want men and women to be treated the same, holding women to the same standard as men, when you just cant, people arent Equal or the Same, men and women are different. i agree men and women are very different. but that they ideall complement each other. i think this is what is called “complementarianism” hahahaha.


women are the ones who want to avoid commitment. pretty great post there from dalrock. quote:::

Early in the sexual revolution there was some level of stability for serial monogamy. This was because there was still some inertia keeping women from feeling comfortable hopping from man to man. But over time women have felt more and more free to enter and exit sexual relationships at will.

In reality, what exactly differentiates a LTR from a hookup? Is it fair for a man or a woman to have an expectation that their “Long Term Relationship” will be in tact an hour from now, tomorrow, or next week? Is either party judged for deciding at any moment in the relationship that it no longer exists? If either party can terminate the relationship at will simply by voicing their preference, where exactly is the commitment?

Long Term Relationships actually have no term and no commitment. The only way you can violate the agreement is if you get involved with someone else without a courtesy call to the other party first. Tell me if I’m getting this wrong.

Men are consciously or unconsciously starting to recognize this and acting accordingly. The hookup culture is really just men finally adjusting to the rules women have been playing by for quite some time. Now both will get what they want from the “relationship” for so long as it pleases them, and then end it when they wish. The only question is if it pleases them for an hour, a night, a month, a year, or a decade. As men become wise to the lack of commitment they are in turn withdrawing their investment.

Behold: hookup culture.

ie, its not a REAL committment if you can just walk out whenever you want. commitment is hard and takes work. you have to be wiling to do that work. women complain that men arent willing to do that work but my experience has been exactly the opposite hahaha. i was more than willing to work, and the woman wasnt.

doesnt mean there arent plenty of men out there who dont want to commit. well prob because the woman isnt worth committing to. she gave it up too soon and is not a good mother of your children type woman.

i dunno. i might be wrong about complementarianism. dalrock seems to say it sucks and is kinda weak and man blaming. ok fine hahahaha. i trust dalrock.

smply: WAS I ASKING TOO MUCH of her to ask her to act like a semi-mature adult and not a child? men and women are DIFFERENT – are women even CAPABLE of acting like mature adults? hehehehe well yes she acted like a mature adult before. but that was with men who took no shit from her.

so by being a weak man, i therefore did not DESERVE to have her be MATURE to me?

oh god.

so yeah on a sexless human level, no one deserves to get thrown away…… but on a man woman level, knowing that men and women are super different in what they react to, how they react, yes this really is my fault for not being a proper man? and she only reacted as a woman could be expected to react to that?

yeah ok i can see the point but really all i was asking for was an Ethical Dumping. come on. its a small gesture with a big impact.

i wasnt a Perfect Strong Man with the other women. but they still treated me better. so theres my proof. even within the world of man woman bullshit, you can be a weak doormat omega women and it doesnt mean women HAVE to treat you like A Nobody when they Dump You.

well they were just being super nice!! most women arent that NICE!!!!

heh i sure didnt think they were NICE at the time. and even now i would rather call them Average instead of SUPER NICE. just be AVERAGE nice. thats all i wanted.

i mean women arent known for their COURAGE sure, but if these gurls could summon up the courage, then so could any woman. i am particularly thinking of an 18 year old crazy bipolar slut, a 22 year old crazy slut, and a 24 year old decent not too crazy nonslut. they all managed to be nice enough.

well i still learned a lesson about putting my damn foot down. i will not make this mistake again. its really all about communication.

feb 29

sheeeeeeit. its just hard adjusting to life. the feeling that you screwed up the most important rel youve had in many years, she could have been The One if you hadnt screwed it up, maybe you didnt do any severe crimes, but you still screwed it up, if you were better she wouldnt have LEFT you, now youll never find someone you get along with as well, who’s as young and pretty and nonslutty, who you LOVE as much.

shit yeah it takes TIME to get over a BROKEN HEART. thats why i dont trust serial monogamy bitches. there is NO WAY i could Honestly Ethically Date another person right now. I still want HER.


hehehehehe mantras.

but yeah i am not done with her enough to be fully open and available to someone else.

i mean maybe if i was banging 3 new hawt 24 year olds every week from tinder in NYC hahahahaha. in NYC, everyone is normal weight / not fat, good looking, under 30, no single momz, anddddddddd degenerate as fook, immoral as fook, in a modern day sodom and gomorrah.

mar 1

viceland the new vice tv network is absolutely the most degenerate thing i have ever seen. all degenerate, all the time. nothing but the most punchable shitlib faces ever. normalizing perversity and degeneracy. anti male, anti white, anti str8, thoroughly pozzed and j00ified in the worst brooklyn hipster way. like we are so cool and hip and edgy. its like mtv trying to be serious but even worse. however i cant take my eyes off it. however i feel that will gradually poison me. i mean its like pornography. well….not quite. but it is constant stream of degeneracy. you guessed it – ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

yeah i just wanted to have some devotion and commitment from a woman. to be shown some real luv essentially. to have a woman luv me enough to show some courage for me, to be devoted to me, to do some work for me, to not be SO WILLING TO LOSE ME.

when we were just friends, she did show me a lot of luv. she was sweet and gentle and warm and interested and she wanted to hang out with ME. SHE would invite me and initiate sometimes. I was more of a priority for her. she CARED and she SHOWED it through her actions. i could tell. and I liked being on the receiving end of that.

so yeah its no surprised that i got hooked on that feeling and wanted more of it, more of HER. i thought if she can be this sweet and loving and supportive and awesome as a friend, imagine how great she would be as a GF! this is wife and mother of your children potential! someone who just really LUVS you and is truly committed to you and would walk with you thru the depths of hell. love and commitment.

i saw that she was totally devoted to her BF and she wasnt gonna walk out on him! she luved him and wanted to make it work with him. in the end it was HIM to decided to get out, not her. essentially i wanted to take his place and get some of that luv myself. because ultimately i was in luv with her and felt she was the one, we got along so well, good friends, she cared about me, i cared about her, well now that hes gone and youre single, lets try to hang out more. hehehehe. yeah i can see how it would look OPPORTUNISTIC on my part. it kinda WAS.

but fact is, i didnt LET myself get feelings for her while she was with her BF because i wanted THEM to work it out; also i didnt hang out with her TOO much while she was with her BF, i didnt go all in, because i didnt want to interfere, i didnt want to get TOO close, i didnt want to develop feelings, plus i didnt think it was right that a Taken Woman gets so Intimate with other men outside of her BF. it is emotional cheating and i didnt want to be a part of that.

apparently vice tv lets their degenerate show hosts smoke blunts right on camera hahaha. well not surprising since they have a whole show devoted to glorifying weed as a miracle medicine and showing kids getting wasted on super potent thc oil. well they have cancer and i guess they have a reason to take it. i guess my problem is actually showing the kids getting all stoned, and then vice saying, this is awesome and beautiful. and then giving credence to the view that mj not only helps the symptoms of cancer…….but that it actually CURES cancer. only a fooking degenerate pothead would think that.

who knows. maybe it DOES actually cure cancer. in which case i would be more for it.  how can they not have research to support that. not that i trust ((((research)))) either hahahaha. muh SCIENCE!!!! is fooking awesome!!! you fooking racist theist shitlord skygod  believer!!!!

heh yesterday i actually got -7 net calories. first time that ever happened. ate like 1000 calories (not officially recommended hahaha) and burned 1007 calories, a new high at the gym. so thats kewl. basically one hour doing slow jogging at 4.8 mph as much as i could, for the better part of an hour; and then a second hour with a focus on the incline hahaha. i should be LIFTING moar but at least i am in there. a year ago i was too scared to go to the gym. now im just scared to lift at the gym hahahaha.

good lord the gurls there. the clothes they wear are more revealing than me in my Underwear. its just fooking INDECENT. WOMEN SHOULDNT DRESS LIKE THIS, EVER. yet this is NORMAL for the gym! and often they wear gym style stuff outside of the gym: skin tight pants, etc. and these are 20 year old gurls. COME ON. their fathers have failed. failed as fathers, failed these women.

anyway. yeah.  i was just devastated that the sweet caring supportive loving woman i once knew, who genuinely liked and cared for me as a person, just shut off that caring without even taking to me.

YES I KNOW its kinda UNFAIR to get feelings for a friend. but i know that you cant choose feelings. i guess you can sorta keep feelings from happening, but once they happen, uhhh then that horse is out of the barn and its never going back in!!!!!!

its UNFAIR, its AWKWARD, but its not bad or hostile or abusive or wrong or a crime or misdemeanor or felony.

why cant you just say AWWWW, but im sorry, i cant. like any average woman would? how hard is that???!!?!??!

i dunno. i dont think someone getting feelings for you is grounds for you to not treat them like a human being, especially when you treated them as a valued, important human being before. i liked being IMPORTANT to her. and she would act like i was important to her, in the very nice way she treated me. i really liked that. i tried to treat her nice too. then i got feelings and treated her TOO nice and she backed away and that was it. you can back away, but at least respect the relationship we had and the way you once felt towards me. involve me in your decision to exit the rel hehehe.

i dont think my change of feelings justified SUCH a disconnect between her former niceness and her latter meanness. yeah i changed and you have a right to reject that change but dear god try to spare my feelings and i dunno. for me it was important that she recognized we had a good real important friendship in the past. and i wish she had cared about that feeling more.

its very complicated when you get Feelings for a Friend.

of COURSE it changes the nature of the relationship. of COURSE if the other person doesnt feel the same way, the friendship should probably end or at least go on hiatus. but i just dont think you should end it without any communication, any sharing of feelings. i just wanted to be heard, and have a chance to make myself understood. i mean she was not the sharpest and there was a real risk of her not understanding this. but at least give me a chance to explain it. i understood it so well and think i could convince even her. mainly, that sometimes peoples feelings change over time, especially when a man and a woman have a good friendship and get along very well and then the woman becomes available after a very long relship. how is this so hard to understand. its really NOT that complicated! i know women like to MAKE shit verly complicated because they LOVE DRAMA. and DRAMA SUCKS. drama is NOT FUN. it is destructive and bad. why would you LIKE drama.

and she DOESNT like drama! another thing i LIKED about her!

so yeah she didnt want to cause drama. she just wanted to avoid a difficult situation.

i do this ALL THE TIME!!!!!! how many times have i AVOIDED doing something i probably should have done? ALL THE TIME!!! if anyone should be able to understand what she did, its me!!!! she avoided talking to me because she DIDNT want drama!

well i argue it wasnt REALLY “drama”, it was an important, necessary conversation……but i can see how someone might confuse it with “drama.”  because it was emotional and complicated and awkward and a big deal. but unlike actual drama, it wasnt manufactured bullshit. it was real, important, and necessary.

but yeah i avoid shit all the time because i just dont want to do it!!!!!! and thats all she did!!!!

i just HOPE i would never do THIS to a person. I like to think i wouldnt. i mean ive never been in the position before. had a friend fall in luv with me, where i didnt like them back.  never had that happen but i HOPE i would treat them better and not be so COWARDLY that i did THIS.




shit. for your working life, prepare to be ABUSED, CONFUSED, and OVERWHELMED 10 hours a day.

(this is if youre lucky enough to GET a job. half of people will not. and half of those people are working jobs you cant survive off of. therefore, only 25% of all amerkans are gainfully employed. and used, abused, confused, and overwhelmed is the prices they pay for that.)

abused because both your customers and coworkers will treat you like an idiot shit. confused because you wont know what youre doing and you will feel like an idiot, thrown to the wolves. overwhelmed because you will get this all day every day with no respite, constantly being jerked around and slammed like a damn bumpy fast roller coaster. and the only “downtime” you get is when your shift is over. at that point you should stick around for at LEAST an hour to show the management that you are a team player and that you are trying to get better at your job, learn, and train yourself. presenting your Batches of questions to senior employees. yes sir. i understand sir. i was wrong sir. wont happen again sir. so sorry sir. youre right sir, i was wrong sir. understood sir. yes sir. wont happen again sir. i agree sir, yes it is unacceptable sir. will never happen again sir. lesson learned sir.

after you have put in your studying and unpaid training at the office, and this is ESPECIALLY beneficial if you are HOURLY, therefore its more obvious you arent getting paid, unlike salary who are just EXPECTED to work 80-100 hours a week and everybody is afraid to go home because everybody wants to be the last one out of the office.

anyway how do you WITHSTAND abused, confused, and Slammed all day erry day? wouldnt that cause you to snap or panic or fluster or anxiety or stress?

of COURSE it does! you just have to FIGHT it and not let it get the best of you, like it got the best of me!

i am and have always been a huge WORRIER. ever since i was a small child. i think the WORRYING led to muh anxiety, as worrying is a kind of anxiety, or proto Ur-Anxiety, and then too much of that and it Transitioned into full blown Despair.

last night i was thinking about my “old” job and reading all those pages about people who were confused, abused, and overwhlemed because they too did not know how to do their jobs, and it became clear that this was perfectly normal, this is the way Real Jobs normally are in the real world, and everybody is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

it really attacks your sense of humor, and also your Sex Drive. you dont even WANT to Masterb8 hahahaha. you just want to Stop Worrying Already and get some damn sleep.

so anyway after you have survived another day at work, miraculously, stay around at least an hour and make sure the managers see you. this is also a tall order because they probably will only notice you when you are trying to avoid them, and never notice you when you WANT to be noticed.

now its time to go to the Gym and exercise for HOURS until your body is just as exhausted as your mind.

i would also recommend blazing MJ right before going into the gym. MJ destroys your motivation and makes you a lazy loser bum, but I think if you have an Abusive COnfusing Overwhleming job, and most normalfags DO, MJ is useful for clearing your mind of all the worries of the day and enabling you to get some sleep so you can WITHSTAND and SURVIVE another horrible day tomorrow. it is a tool for survival, not just recreation.

then if youre like me, the only exercise you can do is walking, and i would say you need to do at least 3 to 4 hours of that to really get the day out of your system. you can think about your job while you exercise and try to figure out and understand the big picture and how to do stuff better day by day.

of course now you have no time to spend with your family. get used to it hahahahaha. surviving your job by any means necessary IS your new family hahahaha. no family for you.

and a qtpi gurlfran? yep that would be nice wouldnt it? but youre 30 years old and you havent been able to make it happen yet, and youre not getting any younger, more successfull, more charismatic, more influential, more alpha!

i was thinking about how i felt hurt when i discovered muh female “friend” had an instagram account and she never told me about it. i only found it after she unfriended me on facebook. i searched her facebook username on google and then discovered an instagram account with the same username. it was private so i couldnt see anything. i wonder how many pictures of herself she posted. she never SEEMED narcissistic. much less so than average. i didnt think she would even HAVE an instagram. either way she never told me about it. NOT AT ALL SURPRISING considering we were on the OUTS for MONTHS, she was packing her stuff and moving out bit by bit (proverbially), just DISTANCING herself.

but yeah its just PAINFUL as FOOK when somebody you like DISTANCES themself from you. they were once nice to you and interested in you and invited you places and wanted to hang out with you.

NOW though, they are mean to you, no longer interested in you, no longer invite you places, no longer want to hang out with you.

how could you be so boring, or so weird, or so uncool, or so SOMETHING, who knows what, to make them stop liking you?

but really its THEIR problem not yours.

but shit yeah its painful as fook for you, the victim of that bullshit.

so she did like me as a friend. she only started becoming distant as i started giving her SIGNALS: more texting, more lovey dovey mushy fuzzy shit, more wanting to hang out. she probably KNEW and just didnt want to deal with it because it was overwhelming. ok fine. but she thought oh god this is a nightmare coming true, i really dont want him to like me, this is horrible, i wish it would all just go away. hence why it was so easy for her to ignore me. she literally WANTED me to DISAPPEAR. and i did!

shit yeah it was a shitty way to handle it! if I had a friend who dev feels for ME and i didnt have them for them, i would say, yes this is awkward, but what i’m REALLY concerned with is breaking their heart, so i’m gonna make a concerted effort to NOT HURT THEM, because i care about them as a person.

i guess i was upset because i would have not handled the situation like she did AT ALL, and because i thought we had similar values, she would handle the situation similarly as i would: try not to hurt me, try to let me down easy, say we had a good friendship and ill miss that but i cant be who you want me to be for that next step.

i would have been a bit flattered, like AWWWWW thats sweet of you. mixed in with the awkwardness.

i might try to ignore things for a while but if they didnt go away and just persisted, i would say ok lets talk about this.

also i would have hung out with them WAY early in the process, give them the chance to talk to me if they wanted to, rather than blow them off all the fookin time.

so yeah she really shit the bed there. screwed the pooch. dicked the dog.

i wonder if they train you better in Shitty Retail Jobs. i heard a Horror Story where they made a girl work the register for 9 hours…. BUT NEVER TRAINED HER HOW TO USE THE REGISTER. like how to take payments, do returns, refunds, credit cards, checks, cash. just put them in front of the register and said here figure this out, and a 8 hour line of customers.

its not SUPER complicated, but there are at least 3 different things you can do and if you dont know which buttons to push….


its kinda like its easy to sing mary had a little lamb, but not if you have never heard the english language before and have never seen those words before.

she would get flustered, have the manager come over, the manager would get annoyed, push buttons quickly without explaining, and the poor girl probably got fired a few days later for “not being a good fit” or “not learning quickly enough.”


at least my place had some stuff written down. we had a knowledge base. we had a way of Searching Tickets.

some places dont HAVE a knowledge base. some places dont even LET YOU SEARCH TICKETS!

that boggled my mind. i wonder if there were a way to search tickets, but they just hadnt show the person. disgraceful, but beleiveable. horrifying, but much less horrifying than the idea of simply not being able to search tickets by keyword. i guess its possible. i mean if training your employees costs too much, then including a search function in your ticketing software probably costs too much to.

(but i used to run searches in our ticketing system ALL THE TIME, i HAD to, i cant imagine doing the job without it. searching my past cases, searching other peoples cases, searching recent cases on this issue, searching recent cases from 12345 location, etc.)

how come YOURE the only one that WRITES SHIT DOWN? hasnt anyone else ever written anything down so OTHER PEOPLE CAN USE IT????????? either for training or just for doing their damn JOB???!?!?!?!?!?!

think fast, talk smart: stanford skool of bidnazz.

see its all about BULLSHITTING.

ever try to get service anywhere and the person seemed like an idiot? didn’t know what they were doing?


smile at them and say thank you, i would love to talk to your manager and tell them what a good job you did.

theres probably some stupid policy where the manager is trying to HIDE behind untrained underlings, but if you manage to speak to manager, say, this underling is amazing for dealing so well with such a shitty company who makes their employees run around in a confused abused fluster all day erryday

youtube how to deal with confusion

youtube no job training

youtube how to deal with confusion at work

its the CONFUSION that leads to stress.

welp it was GOOD that i thought about the big picture, but the big picture was so DAMN OVERWHELMING and CONFUSING that it led to MORE confusion. you need to look at the problem, give a quick and dirty analysis, come up with two or three options, quickly choose one, and if it turns out to suck, take your beating and move on.

paralysis by analysis hahahahaha.

being confused is stressful. i’d say its probably better to make a decision thats WRONG rather than sit there being confused.

customer service meltdown with terrible caller. i listened to this 3 or 4 times while on my powerwalk the other day. i never ever had a caller close to this bad but the poor agent handled it very well. if you can prepare for the worst call ever, uhhhh thats a good way to be. but i guarantee you will cringe. very cringeworthy here. i cant even laugh it off because it hits too close to home. even though i never had a caller this angry. you just worry that one day you will. also the tradeoff is that for less angry callers, we just had super confusing problems and would struggle and struggle and struggle with them and tier 2 was very reluctant to escalate shit up. if it was Super Weird yes they would escalate before 20 minutes. but if it didnt seem SUPER weird to them, just a little weird, they’d let you STRUGGLE for an HOUR which would screw up your average handle time, which is supposed to be 20 minutes.

youtube bad tech support calls

oh god now im gonna listen to some more

this feeling of being confused at your job is just horrible. and it sticks with you. the knot of dread in your gut. i used to get worried and anxious when i was in School, but it was NEVER as bad as when i had a stressful job.

and different jobs were different. i got this Bad Feel Of Dread Anxiety on my most recent job, yet i NEVERRRRRRRRRRR felt like that in my previous job. although the difference is, the stressful job was a Real Bigboy Job you could live off of. the stressless one wasnt.

this implies that in order to survive real life, you have to survive a horribly stressful job. is this a cognitive distortion? or is it legit whats being implied by what ive experienced?

did a 5 miler, beautiful day on 111

and i am mad shes handling the job and i could not, and shes gonna go on to a better job, and im gonna go on to a worse job, and shes 8 years younger than me, and her life is gonna get better and mine is gonna get worse, and she knows what its like to be in a longterm monog rel, and i dont, and once we were good friends, and in the end we became complete strangers.

so she didnt have feelings for me. that doesnt mean it was ok for her to throw me away like garbage.

she was a better person than that, she was better to me than that, she knew better, i deserved better from her.

guilt is GREAT. if you feel guilty, it means youre not a sociopath. you know who doesnt feel guilt or shame? sociopaths.

so its kinda good that i felt so much guilt when it ended. like i was all to blame. i hope you can forgive me someday, i begged.

but really she was more to blame than i was, she treated me worse than i treated her. she treated me BAD. i should never tolerate that shit. but i am too desperate for luv.

warning signs? red flags? EVERYBODY’s got red flags. EVERYTHING IS a red flag if you look at it the right way. i always assume guilty till proven innocent with women. i assume all women are evil destroyers, i treat them like dangerous savage animals, i do not fooking TRUST them until they have proven themselves worth of being let into my circle of trust. the idea of me being FRIENDS with a woman is downright RIDICULOUS. its HARDER to be friends with a woman than to bang them, becuase they give up the banging so easy to badboys, and because they are so shitty and make terrible friends.


so i was super thankful and blessed to have a true female FRIEND, a damn dirty woman i trusted and respected. how was it so egregious and outrageous that i develop feelings for them then? it seems only NATURAL!!!! well, if you becoming friends with a young nonugly woman that is. im not falling in love with my male friends.

if i had a GOOD female friend fall in love with me, i would have several long talks with them and write several long emails to them! its the least i could do!

how could she not feel guilt for what she did? is she a SOCIOPATH????? show youre not a sociopath by saying youre sorry!

men develop confidence through achieving and success. therefore men who fail all the time are not confident at all. if you fail with women and jobs, you will not be very confident with women and jobs, and you NEED to be confident with women or jobs. or else you will lose them, or never get them. worry or anxiety is the opposite of confidence, it will eat away your confidence and cause you to lose jobs and women.

i guess i am afraid of failure. failing with jobs, failing with women. but i’ve had TONS of failure. you think id be used to it by now.

i was just thinking today, women dont NEED to get all slutted up and wear high heels and makeup and slutclothes to show off their bodies. if anything, MEN should be doing this sort of PREENING because they are the ones competing for the favor of the women. women could still choose men even if the women dressed like SLOBS or RODEO CLOWNS.


so why do they? because they LIKE looking like sluts hahahaha.

so what can we learn from this?

that it really is helpful for men to learn how to dress, and not dress like slobs. maybe even wear shoes with big bottoms to make you feel 1 inch taller, if you are a shortfag manlet like moi hahahaha.

shit you always have to “fake it till you make it………..or break it” with women AND jobs, and then you never make it. you always break it. and with her i didnt have to fake shit. i was just my short boring loser self and she appreciated me for who i was, and i appreciated her for who SHE was. and we became friends.

then when she became Available, I started to have new feelings towards her, which really wasnt super duper surprising or the end of the world, but she sure thought it was!!!!! i tried to get her to hang out so we could talk about this BEFORE it became a clusterfook, but she never agreed to hang out, and so we never talked, and it did become a clusterfook, and i Lost It All.

this is a song called Losing All.mp3 hahahahaha

exactly 0 people will get that reference.

as i pushed gently for a Hangout Please, i also sent new signals, and she may have picked up on them, because she defeinitely became more distant. more and more distant until one day the thin ice snapped and our connection was broken forever. worst end to a beautiful friendship ever. and the bitterness that i feel screwed and wronged and treated like garbage by someone who just wasnt like that, but they saved their worse for me. she literally had never treated anyone like that before unless they had cheated on her or abused her. i didnt fooking abuse her. fook.

i was pushy and beta, that was my only crime. unfortunately women think this is The Worst Abuse Ever. they will Run Back to an Abuser and Cheat On You With Abusers and never be able to stop loving abusers and cheaters, but they will stop loving a PUSHY NEEDY BETA FAGGOT SISSY in an INSTANT and throw him away like GARBAGE. to a woman, this is WORSE THAN ABUSE.


543 and it is getting dark re end of daylight savings time. spring ahead, fall back hahahaha.

women never forget men who abuse them. they LOVE and are LOYAL TO men who abuse them. men who are beta sensitive faggots like us hahahaha, they can forget in an instant and have only contempt for. and give no loyalty to.

women wanting Secs, its like an all you can eat buffet which costs $1 to get into. but then after you turn 30, you get charged 9000 dollars for every c0ck you took.

men wanting secs, there is no buffet, you pay 9000$ for a rancid table scrap thats been sitting on the floor. you pay 9999999999999999999$ for a slice of Little Caesers Hot N Ready.  unless you are a Top 20% or better yet 10% man, then you get to be part of that Womens Buffet mentioned above. get to bang the sluts all your alpha peers are banging. i guess thats easy enough to ignore if the women are young and purty. yeah i didnt care when i got “LUCKY” with some young purty girls, that they were also flaky sluts totally Riding The Carousel, Sampling The Boner Buffet.

HA! it would be a miracle if i ever trusted a woman ever again after this! i start off distrusting women, and with good reason! after a long time i determined she was a good person and could be trusted! and then she totally TURNED on me!

was i wrong? how could i be so wrong?

well i think she was better than average women……..BUT and of course that means ignore everything before the but…..she hates betas even MORE than the average woman. ive always been rejected for being too beta, but in all instances the women were nicer about it. even if i never really knew or trusted them!!!!!

whats worse? retail or call center? call center is probably worse, but it pays a lot better.

i guess in both places you could find someone who can get you MJ.

i am just worried that because i quit one shitty job, i will only be able to get jobs that are even shittier!

being at a new job for the first 6 months as you are used, abused, confused, and overwhelmed will certainly eat away at your confidence. you better have a lot of confidence going in then!!! hahahaha good thing i do hahahahaha. and then if you have a gurl she will leave you during that time because your confidence will wane. its not her job to give you moral support during your struggles and to help you remain confident. you have to do that all yourself. women aren’t going to support you during hard times, but just to leech off when you are High On The Hog, they look to Prostitute a Handout. a meal ticket, fun, adventure, excitement, then as soon as the honeymoon period ends and times get tough, THEY SELL YOU OUT. SELL YOU DOWN THE RIVER. that is how i feel. not super duper betrayed……but KINDA betrayed. like way to totally sell me out as soon as things started getting a little difficult. whatever happened to stick toitiveness. i feel left in the lurch, left hanging, left high and dry, sold out, left holding the bag. fook that shit.

really my job was AT LEAST twice as stressful as my previous job, therefore i should have been getting paid AT LEAST twice as much. i was not hahahahaha.

in hindsight, i should have taken valium on the job.  and then MJ after the job. i am really torn on that MJ, that it is a shameful drug that turns you into a shameful loser; but it was really one of my saving graces during The Final Months of the job. it gave me some sort of relief and fun to look forward to at the end of the day. have a long hard stressful day, go home and smoke a huge Spl1ff, get real blazed, leisurely read some work stuff while listening to some jazz radio if i felt like it, or do some writing if i didnt, and then when you go to bed you get that “gentle comedown” feeling after getting blazed, where your mind feels calm and peaceful, and then you get decent sleep. in other words i think MJ can be great medicine for people who Sleep Poorly because of Worry and Anxiety. and that is me!

now it doesnt interfere with my sleep ALL the time.

but damn. my life really became worse once i started that damn job. now i think of the job and get nervous, even though i am not going back to it. JUST THE THOUGHT.


youtube how to deal with stress at work

this guy is great. he really gave me hope. he really drove home that point that its your thoughts and beliefs regarding your job that are causing the stress, its not actually the job itself. its when you are CONFUSED or when you are waiting for the phoen to ring or when you have an upset caller or when you dont know what you are doing, then you get stressed.

or when you care too much. i cared too much.

i looked at some of the stuff i did in my first and second month and i did pretty damn well. this was just in my first 2.5 months. i wish i had smuggled stuff out from later, when i actually had SOME confidence about muh job, and had not gone completely crazy from the woman.

i think the callers were appreciative of the fact that this was all confusing as fook, so they didnt get too mad. they were confused, i was confused, even more confused than they were, because i had no idea what this shit was!

i had pretty good case notes and Workflow even then. the only way i could have really improved was to study cases at home, reading knowledge base articles as well, and especially studying cases i had gotten escalated.

monogamy. i really like the idea of monogamy. it appeals to me. and  i like women who are also fans of monogamy. it appeared she was. i was like oh goody i hope we can be mongamous together. but who knows if she would want to be monogamous with ME.

like if i were dating somebody below my standards and i wanted to Trade Up, wouldn’t i want to be Poly amorous with them?

NO, because i wouldnt be dating them in the first place!!!!!! or i would just have a desperate one night stand with them, to get all the DESPERATION out of my system! like yep i havent had secs in 10 years, so i need to fook anything that moves. and you are hideous and that secs was horrible, and now i will be happy to wait 10 years again, good lord, why was i so desparete for that, yuck.

anyway some people are into polyamory, good for them, you can see a bunch of bullshit tedx talks on youtube on it, academic middle class leftist degenerates, women with 5 husbands. my kids dont have one father, they have 5 fathers. and bullshit like that. they REALLY believe this bullshit. its no use trying to persuade them. just keep your kids and wife away from them! and talk to your wife and kids about Monogamy. make especially sure your wife can convince herself that she is totally pro monogamy with you.

and i know decent nondegenerate people who might be Poly or have an Open Rel. its kinda shocking but it means i cant say all Polys are Degenerate and Evil. but i damn sure CAN say, i dont want MY wife or gurlfran to be Poly.


if i had real feelings towards someone, i could never be poly with them. for me, feeligns ARE mono.

i would only do poly if i were having casual secs and didnt want to commit to the person becuase i didnt particularly like, respect, or trust them. which is understandable given the MERCENARY nature of Most Women.

i thought she was less of a MERCENARY. but she treated me like a damn mercenary. she just shot me in the head EXECTION STYLE and walked away. I feel like the vietnamese guy in that famous photo where he is shot execution style by the evil White soldier hahahaha.

[EDIT apri 16: ok the executer is not white but another vietnamese. i cant remember which one is the communiss and which is the good charlie hahaha.

pepe summarily executing wojack in grim parody of vietnam execution photo.png

that is what she did to me hahaahahahaha ]

she just came up, popped a cap in the back of my head, and i fell into a mass grave where her other victims will fall on top of me. like dead crabs in a dead bucket hahahaha.

all about the metaphors and imagery with me hahahaha.

i loaned this tar skinned, big lipped kenyan 50 cents 90 days ago and he has not paid any of it back hahahaha. i was trying to make money off bitcoin microloans, short term loans with risky debtors. this guy was risky as fook apparently. every sunday i get several arbitration emails saying some third world deadbeat refused to pay me the 25 cents or 50 cents i loaned them hahahahahaha.

did you see all the Racism and White Privilege and Punching Down and Oppressive Language and TOnedeafness and Hate in that paragraph?

but he’s got symmetrical features and is 22 years old and im sure my female ex friend would make babies with him within 30 seconds of meeting him. see that handsome black buck and immediately get a gurl boner. mayeb i could Prep him for her hahahaha.

well he has a young kenyan gurlfran according to his facebook profile and banner picture and i will not log into facebook to reactiveate my account hahaha.

well i race mixed when i was young too. but not with blacks hahahaha. its honestly better to race mix with jews than it is with blacks. also women get to choose their mates. choose a white man if youre a white woman. honestly.

but 99% of white women have ‘DATED” ie FOOKED nonwhite men (black or brown) and okcupid says youre RACIST if you dont. and women are scared about being RACIST, if the Mainstream Cool People say its Uncool to be Racist. so we need to make being Racist be COOL again. and I think we might be making some progress with stuff like the right Stuff dot biz. great site. site of the year 2015. ITS HAPPENING.  plus they have great podcasts, which is huge. and they are very tuned into 4chan or 8chan or chans in general. PERFECT. I have been Touting Chans as the Cutting Edge of Political Movements since…..2012 hahahaha.

so now a 20 year old racist white man in 2015 can get a pretty young qt. but when i was 20 over 10 years ago, there was not a White Racist movement for intelligent white men, just neo nazi neckbeard virgins like there have always been, and which i supposed i have become hahahahaha.

i have not had secs or pseudodated a gurl in TEN YEARS!!!!!!!

i had a strong make out with a gurl like 9.7 years ago. it was amusing and confidence building but i didnt want to take it any further. she was not my type and i only did it because i was RAAAAGING drunk and should have NEVER been driving a car. I paid muh dues for that though hahaahaha. not that day though.


who asks such a stupid question?

dirty filthy cheating whores hahahahaha.


it is 82 days since i was dumped harshly hahahaha and i feel like 6,000,000 bucks hahahaha.

went for a 4.2 miler, listed to the first 55 minutes of that molyneux video linked in prev pos

well here it is again! great stuff. it is like sitting in on and listenign to a Marriage Counseling Session. young 20s man and woman in a new relationship, i thought they were dating for at least a year but no, just a few months, i was hoping it were longer because that would be more dramatic. anyway she wants to fook around, he is not in luv with the idea…..NATURALLY! WHAT MAN WOULD BE! but he is such a beta that she only agreed to be exlcusive with him for all of 2 or 3 months IF he agreed to talk about opening it up in the future.

the amount of Hamsterization on her part is disturbing but ilustrative, as is his disturbing betaness and his desperation to hold onto her. molyneux says if you had any confidence in yourself, you wouldnt stand for this! i luv you, i want to be with you, i want to commit to you, and you better want the same with me, or im gone!

also stefan touches on the important idea: can you be truly COMMITTED to more than one person? of course the woman thinks yes. she wants to have several poly committed rels. stef rightfully suggests that adding a new commitment diminishes all your previous commitments. time and energy and such.

and its like these women dont see a value in time and the long term and knowing somebody for years. if a guy has proven his virtues over 10 years, well maybe this sexy man youve known for 5 minutes has the potential to be more virtuous than him! the person youve known for years is no more important to you than they person youve known for minutes. hahahaha i know that feel. just being thrown away. doesnt matter if weve known each other for 2 years. just doesnt matter.


robinsss 1 week ago
+Edward Bernayse666

how so? [ufmll: how does cheating cause pain/harm; because people are so degenerate they cant even understand how CHEATING IS BAD!!!!!]
Reply ·

Edward Bernayse666 1 week ago [this guy is the voice of reason obviously]
+robinsss [the + means they are responding TO that person]
cheating on your spouse causes emotional and psychological pain to the one being cheated on and if they have kids together than it has an adverse effect on the kids as well.
Reply ·

robinsss 1 week ago
+Edward Bernayse666

for the third or fourth time what is the damage to the children?


in this situation it wouldn’t be cheating since he would agree to it
Show less
Reply ·

Edward Bernayse666 6 days ago
the kids grow up not understanding about commitment to their partners and end up like this lady in the video who can’t fathom why it’s wrong to have sex with other men besides with her boyfriend/husband of 10 years for one thing. you guys are blaming feminism. i blame growing up in a household where the parents cheating on each other with seemingly no guilt is what creates people who seem to cheat without a conscience. it’s bad for the overall family structure and instills a lack of guilt and shame when a little [or a LOT!!!] guilt and shame should be felt.
Reply · [they hadnt been together for 10 years but the point still stands]

robinsss 6 days ago
+Edward Bernayse666
if no one is harmed by an activity then it isn’t wrong

no is directly harmed by cheating so it isn’t wrong
Reply ·

Edward Bernayse666 6 days ago
how is nobody directly harmed?
Reply ·

robinsss 6 days ago

if you are a conservative female promiscuity is negative to you

if you are a liberal it might not be
I view it as a positive characteristic

the market is made up of both groups

do you agree?
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this is how stupid the people are! they cant even see how Cheating is bad! i thought we knew that in our Blood! well, men do. but i think the robin person is a man. but this is how the left nurtures nature out of men…..but when you fight against nature, nature fights back! for example, Fatherless r-selected Ghetto Matriarchy, and also this robin may instinctively feel jealousy when it comes time to father children.

or he might be as r-selected as the cheating “SEMEN DEMON” and say “whats the benefit of my wife having an affair? SImple, theres a Second Daddy!”

this is what the cuck in the stefan video says when stefan asks him “what benefit is there to YOU, of your wife having an affair with another man?” and this is what he actually says. and she talks about bullshit like “poly parenting”. good lord!!!!

i mean men can always run off and not take care of their children! women dont have that luxury/privilege! so you’d THINK women would be just as inclined to monogamy as men!

BUT they can always either trick a man into thinking it is his child, OR they can just find a beta who is willing to take care of another mans child, OR they can date a string of badboiz who beat and molest the child hahahaha.

anyway clearly the woman in this vidya would be the worst mother ever, letting strange men around her child. she is obviously putting her own Sexual Hedonism above the well being of her own damn child! and she knows its HER child! what does that say about your mothering potential?

another thing: why doesnt she just leave him right NOW? women never had a problem leaving me when i didnt enthusiastically consent to them Fooking other men! Oh you want to be EXCLUSIVE? well go be exclusive by YOURSELF! Im outta here!

im sure thats what happened after this video hahahaha. i mean why is she even keeping him around?

unless she is truly a sadist and LIKES to cause him pain and see him suffer. i figure even promiscuous sluts wouldnt be that SADISTIC. theyd just dump the guy and spare him the pain of watching her get with 900000 other dudes.

does cheating violate Non Aggression Principle?

i claim that it does, it is emotional/relational aggression.

Stefan makes the point that cheating is not EVIL, it doesnt mean youre an EVIL person, its not as bad as raping and killing, but it is a form of LYING to someone you made a PROMISE to, and thats kind of a shitty thing to do.

YES. VERY SHITTY hahahahaha.


letter: i just feel real hurt by being thrown away. maybe you didnt mean to do it so harshly and yeah i acknowledge i pushed you to some extent and i apologize for that. but i just dont think the punishment fit the crime. this is an extremely hurtful, painful way to end a relationship. this is not a good or healthy way to end a relationship. this makes it even harder for me to get over everything. my heart is already broken, now it is broken even more becuase i think you hate me. but i dont think i deserve to be hated that much. yeah i should have just come forward and said what was on my mind, how many times do i need to apologize for not doing that? i was honestly trying to respect your boundaries and not bug you all the time. but that still left things unresolved for me. obviously the solution was to just talk to you without hanging out.

yeah this is kind of a simple point, it doesnt take a genius to realize that you dont need to hang out to talk. i could have just called or wrote an email or told you right here. i should have. would have made it easier on the both of us. but i honestly beleived we would hang out within the next couple of weeks. i didnt think you never wanted to see me again. i didnt realize that until you stopped talking to me altogether and damn did that hurt me. why couldnt you just tell me. write me one paragraph saying i dont think this is working out, i cant do this any more.

just the feeling of being thrown away. that is what im left with and that is what hurts so bad. it would be different if we didnt know each other, or just knew each other for a few months. but we knew each other for a few years. it hurts even more when you throw away a person you were friends with for years. i think it helps to pay respects to the relationship itself, as well as the person. you didnt always hate me. i didnt want to make you hate me. any relationship takes the consent of both people at all times. once one person wants to get out of it, then its over. thats fine. i dont want to force you to be with me in any sense. you cant MAKE somebody love you, you cant MAKE somebody want to be friends with you.

I was annoying I get it. But dont punish me like THIS for being annoying. try to understand why i was being annoying. i had something very important on my mind that i wanted to talk about, and i thought we were close to talking, but then that date would get pushed back, and i got more and more anxious and worried and pushy and that caused me to be more annoying. but my intention was not to be annoying. my intent was to talk to you about my new feelings to you, and how this would affect our relationship. and it was veyr difficult to just put the entire relationship on pause while i waited months and months and months to talk. i would have happily waited one month, two months, but ten months? do you see why i was being so pushy and annoying? i just couldnt hold back what i needed to say any longer, and i exploded. i had to say it regardless of whether we were gonna hang out or not.

yes i should have done it earlier and done it differently. i never was in this situation before. i dont want to make excuses but i was very emotionally and mentally compromised. i couldnt think straight and i was anxious and overwhlemed. i know you were overwhelmed too.

so i botched things and im sorry, but i think im not 100% to blame either. i feel like i was not being met halfway. i felt i was trying to meet you more than halfway and you still wouldnt meet me there.

this would be easier to take if i had just met you and we had not been friends. but that was obviously not the case. and it sucks to have someone whose very important in your life suddenly be gone. i feel abandoned. it didnt have to be that way. we could still talk about this and try to smooth out the hard feelings and neither of us walk away angry. its fine that people have to end a friendship in situations like this. but it doesnt have to be done in such a hurtful, ugly way. please im begging you show me a little mercy and let me down easy and show respect to me, show respect to our past friendship, and act like the decent human being i know you are.

end letter portion

hahahahaha see what i mean? and i pretty much said all this in emails 1 thru 4, especially 3 and 4. i told her all this. she just never read it. deleted the emails. never responded.

and i revised them so they did not sound angry or mean or accusatory or bitter, but still said what i wanted to say.

maybe i will post a scrubbed version of email3 as well.

but yeah i like this letter writing, i think i will do a litte moar here as well.

it makes a difference when you pretend you are addressing HER speicifically. as “YOU.” TRY IT LOSERS, it really works when you are getting over some

Ben Baker 1 week ago (edited)
+Kyle Rich educate yourselves people:
Semen Demon Jizz Genie Baby Batter BringerCum Caresser Lovegoo Lass Sperm Summoner Ejaculate Empress Mayonnaise Maiden Jizz Jockey Spunk Monk Sperm Worm Sodomy Sentinel Penile Perpetrator Erection Confection Salami Tsunami Boner Condoner Fluid Druid Urethral Umpire Wang Wizard Knackers Knight Prick Pirate Dong Dominator Cock Khan Stiffy Sultan Sausage Sergeant Middle Leg Major Pole Privateer Shaft Specialist Pecker Prodigy Boner Benefactor Baloney Poney Dick Juice Masseuse Tallywhacker Smacker Man Muscle Steam Shovel Baby Batter Bladder Willy Ghillie Butt Hut Glans Fans Spooge Scrooge Ejaculate Advocate Skeet Treat Wang Wrangler Jism Prism Smegma Savant Anal Aficionado Testicular Temptress Spunk Trunk Nut Slut Cum Chum Testicle Vestibule Dick Duchess Cock Sock Testicle Tamer Cock Clairvoyant Scrotum Totem Mattress Actress Prostate Magistrate Penis Machinist
Show less

hahaha from that same stefan vidya. synonymz for Cvm Dvmpster hahahaha

another guy says he has no spine, she has no soul.

a recipe for disaster!

4.2 milers later

finished listening to that stef vidya. i took a break on stef for awhile because he wasnt right wing enough, all about muh liberty, when really i am less of a libertarian and more of a far right conservative hahahaha. and muh liberty needs to take a backseat to muh morality and muh tradition! but its possible stef might be gradually leaning more and more right. i mean he’s a smart guy. and he def does not like Open Relationships or Cheating or Promiscuity, so thats good!

so yeah i mainly dont like his hardcore “libertarian anarchist” view and also his “defooing” ie abandon your family of origin because they are abusive in ways you cant even imagine. foo = family of origin.  and he had kind of a family destroying cult hahahahahaha,

also he is hip to hypergamy and mate value and mating market and all the tradeoffs you have to make there. evo psych and mating and what men want and what women want. has a pretty good head for that, while also encouraging healthy, loving relationships, rather than casual sex with sluts.

what if both parties agree to the open relationship?

i would argue this only happens in less than 10% of open relationship situations. i could be wrong.

not sure why i harp on this! i have never had an open rel and i never would. when muh wimmin want to get fooked by other guys, and i hem and haw in a beta way, when i SHOULD have said “fook that shit baby, im an old skool alpha male and i demand a Glorious Fair Maiden, not a dirty Gutter Slut!” and then kick them to the curb! but i hemmed and hawed like a beta and said “oooo i guess if it means i can date you sometimes sweetie dear” and then they dumped me anyway!

stefan said it was a SHIT TEST. im gonna make an OUTLANDISH DEMAND to see if you acquiesce. because that shows me how much I Am Worthy. My Pvssy is worth more than Diamonds and Gold. this guy will put up with SO MUCH SHIT just to be with me. thats how much POWER and WORTH i have.

how do you respond to this?

and i was kinda getting a shit test from The Woman.

you calmy say while reading your Investors Business Daily, that “You must HAVE ME CONFUSED with the little fuccboi down the street whose balls are the size of peas. I my dear have JUEVOS GRANDES. Massive CAJONES.”

“You must have me confused with someone who gives a damn.”

“you must have me confused with a supplicating beta niceguy.”

“you must have me confused with a Ballless Beta Bitchboi. How amusing. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.”

yeah the best response to a SHIT TEST is to not get emotional, and just blow it off like a total BOSS.

not cave into the shit test and let the gurl bang other guys.

not cave in and come begging and pleading to the woman, pleasseeeeee treat me like a human beinggggggggg please respond, please dump me easier, please talk to me, please stop giving me the Silent Treatment, please dont throw me away.

of course i was getting the shit test because i was engaging her in a different way. in that male female way ive always failed at before.

yeah so women give shit tests without even knowing it. its the woman in them that makes them wanna play this game, hahahahaha

well honestly i was in no mood to get a shit test, i was going fooking crazy. and when you are going CRAZY you cant deal with shit tests!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lesson: the shit test was still going when i was not that crazy. at that time, i should have just said “I dont tolerate bullshit. I DONT TAKE SHIT. either shape up or ship out babe.”

would that have WORKED? maybe.

anyway. when a woman is giving you any kind of SHIT, thats a SHIT TEST, and you simple tell you you DONT TAKE SHIT. and then dont take it! i just sat there and took it and took it and took it like a bitch.

but i wont blame myself too much. i already blamed myself enough and i dont need to blame myself so much to learn lessons.

lesson: dont take shit EVER.

but by that time i was so fooked up i didnt even remember shit tests were a thing. i didnt even remember they were a thing until i heard stefan mention them while listening to that podcast today.

but still the shit test could have been passed if i just said “i feel abandoned and hurt when you never hang out with me. This is crossing a Boundary for me and i will not tolerate it, if you are not willing to show you care about me and muh boundaries.”

which is a faggier way of saying the same thing. i dont take shit; treat me with respect; treat me like you care about me!!!!


aug 8

kind of a blah day, was tired last night, slept ok for a while, but have been too dead to either go walk or even write, took till 3 o clock. not thinking about her so much as the absence of her, the sinking in and acceptance that it is over. that my luv is over and not wanted. no one on the pedestal. still hoping she will “pls respond” hahahaha. nope of course not.

strange not much urge to write even. i mean its over, i will never be with her, she will always hate me and has shut me out forever, its over and done, i am at rock bottom, no where to go but up hahahahaha. yeah right.

funny really. if i had never known her i would have never gotten the job either. my recent well-paying job fell into my lap with the easiest interview ever, because of her, and we were both able to start jobs there at the same time. well the interview was easy because they just need pieces of meat with a pulse, because they Overhire and expect to lay off a ton of people who Arent Good Fit, ie dont learn how to adapt to the shitty conditions FAST enough, or they just very understandably say OH HELL NO and quit, or get hit in the first round of layoffs, or just stop showing up. its that kind of job. possibly the main reason i didnt quit at the beginning, was because i got moral support from her then, and also i wasnt in love with her then. it was not until fairly later that i made a strong connection with the young man there, and as the woman decreased giving me moral support because i was weird and scary, i was able to get good moral support from him. its that kind of job where you always need lots of moral support. well at least i did hahaha. i needed more than most. always hanging on by a thread.

it is amazing how fast everything fell apart though. sure there was a distancing which started months ago, however during that time she also made a few hopeful statements, mixed messages, like she didnt mean to ignore me so much, and missed me. of course she said that before she KNEW.

hehe i learned about myself that i think commnication is extremely important. and that some people dont always agree with that. some people will refuse to have communication with you! and possibly go on to choose to communicate with cheaters and abusers hahahahaha. they are worth talking to apparently lol.

well this should (hehehehe) eat at her conscience more than it eats at mine hahahaa. imagine that. a woman with a conscience. never met one of those hahahaha. the disappointing thing is that she seemed like she had a conscience. she probably even DOES, she just doesnt want to use it with ME. unlucky.

open relationships and jealousy. i think the idea is that you love your partner so much you give them complete freedom to explore all their feelings in the future.  i just dont know. that would prob be the situation where it works the best. and you dont bring in outside people for at least 2 or 3 years. rather than starting off with her dating 10 people hahahahahahaha. i remember telling woman 3 “oh sure of course we can date other people too!” because i was so desperate to have her back in any capacity, that i would share her with other men. well when there is no jealousy, you realize that you never OWN another person so they are never YOURS to “SHARE”. they are always free to do whatever you want and you can either accept it or get jealous and mad about it. sure go ahead fook other guys, let me PREP THE BULL while im at it hahahahaha.

kinda the way i see it is, if i’m willing to be a one woman man, “my” woman should be willing to be a one man woman! mutually agreed upon monogamy. well i guess you can have mutually agreed upon non monogamy. thats ok. but when NEVER works is when each person wants DIFFERENT things. one wants monogamy, the other wants non monogamy. that will absolutely never work.

i liked her because she seemed to like monogamy, she hated cheaters and cheating, i liked that about her. she seemed like a person who only ever did monogamy, and who herself never cheated. these are very attractive qualities for a woman for me IMHO.

im a damn man whos supposed to want to fook everything that moves, and i never wanted to date more than one woman at once. so hows a woman with a uterus who is supposed to be VERY SELECTIVE and CAUTIOUS, wanting more than one man at once?

i mean some people are just not very geared to monogamy. you can tell. others are however. i definitely am. and i like it when i can say a woman DEFINITELY seems monogamous. she did. i have met plenty of women (and men) who have not. in fact it might be 50 50.

yeah it just sucks to lose the connection we once had. we used to be pretty close and she said i was a good friend and it felt good to be close to a woman, hadn’t been that close to a woman in years, well emotionally speaking. where you trust each other and respect each other and like each other. very sad to have that die in the worst possible way.

then i imagined of course another worse case dream scenario: that, when asked about our Good Friendship, she would say: we were never that good of friends, that was something he added in his mind after the fact. we were inor level friends but nothing too serious. he never wanted to get too close. we were never really as close as he thought. hes just emotionally overreacting of course. its all in his crazy weird psycho mind. there was not really a lot there. there was a little, but not a lot, not nearly as much special stuff as he thought. if he thought that was special he obviously has never been in even a short term relationship.

see how you dissect everything in the worst possible way?

50% of people are monogamous, 50% of people are nonmonogamous. this is why 50% of marriages fail hahahaha. well you should be able to tell somewhat easily. i was able to tell pretty soon with her, even when we were just friends, i could tell right away that she didnt like cheaters and didnt want to cheat or date more than one person.

other people give a decidedly different vibe, of not taking sex or relationships seriously, always one foot out the door, revolving door of lovers, serial daters, then multiple lovers, etc. or you see the girl and think welp id bang her but she would be a HORRIBLE gurlfran or a HORRIBLE wife (but not necessarily a bad single mother! she’s not bad at taking care of her children, just at choosing the fathers of them.) anyway you can tell pretty easily.

but how can 50% of people be so damn different? is their any evolutionary basis? in fact evolution would probably say the MONOGAMOUS people are the weird ones. becuase most mammals are not monogamous, and alpha males have harems and many offspring, beta males die out with no offspring.

but monogamy has a benefit for HUMANS who have Higher Investment Children, with such a long infancy period.

but then a village or a harem of wives could also help raise children, not necess one man and one woman monogamously.

so my question is where does monogamy come from.

i honestly think its great. i wouldnt want to give it up. i have always wanted a monogamous companion. maybe it comes from Religion or Culture and its Patriarchal, Weird, Bad, and Rapey. i dont even care. its who i am, its what i want, i identify with monogamy in my identity.

it happens with guys too of course. the guys who are in monog rels, but are always commenting on other women, oh id bang the shit out of her, always looking at porno, going to strip clubs. but i guess sometimes this is a cover for other things, and they dont necessarily want to cheat on their wives. i say they should, just get it over with and live honestly.

it just sucks to get rejected by another monogamous person that you really like. and the sad thing is that she may well be on the path from being transformed from monogamous to nonmonogamous. the bad thing about nonmonogamous is that you treat people like fook meat, you cant really fall in luv with people, you take dicks without feeling and become dead inside and your soul dies bit by bit.

well what about the nonmonogamous people that arent like that. the ones who have loving open relationships. well good for them i guess.

i am just very sad about her fooking other guys, when i would have consider secs with her to be truly “making luv”, when you have secs with someone you have deep feelings for, it is truly different. nonmonogamous and normies dont understand this hahahahaha. that secs with someone you Luv is something else altogether. cuz theyve never had secs with someone they luved, because they have lost the ability to truly luv hahahaha. and so she can go wilfully choose luvless secs with random strangers, and she just treated me like a stranger weirdo creep rather than a human being she had known for years. its the seeing somebody do a complete 180 which is so mindfooking. like they have become a completely different person.

i just cannot have this happen again. ideally i would just go back and deal with her like a normal person would. but this is insane. i cant believe another guy got to be with her for years and bang her many times and cuddle with her for hours. and many other guys will do the same. and i would have luved her more than any of them lol. hahahaha. yep definitely at rock bottom now lol.


nov 25 mon

roissy / heartiste recently offered up a great Magic Bullet Point on a Silver Platter, so I’d like to “retweet” that here: To obtain the correct attitude when dealing with Women, to get that Alpha Frame, Confidence, and Attitude, Simply Imagine that you are Currently being Serviced by THREE young cute 18 yo QT’s catering to your every whim, rubbing their bodies all over you. Then you won’t slip up and say something beta, like you are Afraid of losing this one grill’s favor. Because you got THREE on ya RIGHT NOW. Make THEM work for YOU. What VALUE can they add. What can THEY do for YOU.

He also has great examples of Ellipsis Game. He’s got some great examples that you can put into practice immediately. magic bullets.
Like this one beta whose gurlfran looks very emo and unstable but ridic cute, she always looks sad or mad and there he is scoochign in close to her, trying to console her, rubbing his hand in little circles on her back like consoling an upset baby, when really what she needs is a good pounding. all his sensitive awwww baaaaaby what’s wooong, oh i wuv you, itll be okay baybee, our wuv will get us thru, you can do it babee. Thing is, he is a bigger and more naturally masculine guy than me. That was prob enough to pull such a cute girl in the first place, but damned if he isn’t gonna lose her with this super beta behaviour that thank god I know better. and THANK YOU ROISSY. not even kidding. his tone is harsh and mean but you can use his tips to become a solid alpha winner. I am gonna tell you pretty much the exact same stuff, but deliver it in somewhat more compassionate of a tone, because i’ve been there.

nov 26 tues

The real bad thing about Women is that They Lie and they don’t even KNOW they’re lying. Lord that is crucial. So you can’t hold them fully accountable for something they don’t know they’re doing. You should hold them a little responsible though, perhaps it will get them to Think More Insightfully About their Constant Unconscious Lying and hopefully stop themselves before they do it again.

Or maybe Constant Unconscious Lying is just an Innate Quality of All Women, like a Uterus and a Vag.

Either way, don’t let it harm you. Fake it till you make it: act like you got three 18yoqt’s on your D, until the day that you actually DO. And then you’ll never worry or stress about Women ever again!

Women Lie more than Men, Women CHEAT more than men. Women will Cheat without even really knowing it’s cheating. That’s the Rationalization Hamster for you! It’s powerful, but as a masculine man, you are MORE powerful and can TAME it!

READ HEARTISTE AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK. It gives you the IDEAL mindset regarding women. It can be a little “negative” seeming at first, but once it sinks in, this mindset is Comforting and really quite Zen and Peaceful. The Red Pill is bitter and nauseating at first, but once it digests, you will be a much more Peaceful Person.

But yeah Heartiste is a little meeeaan. You can live out Roissy’s lessons but not be wuite that mean about it. It’s just because he lives in washington DC. I’d be a lot more bitter if I lived in that hellhole too! guy should quit his job and move to a tropical island. not worth the money to live, work, and suffer in DC. NO THANK YOU.

Every man owes it to himself to Sow His Wild Oats, and with that implies that you should Give Nonmonogamy a CHANCE. “But I just want One Nice Girl I can Trust and Luvvvv!!” Betas whine. ok granted ok, but have you even ever TRIED having 2 or 3 qt’s at once? Give it a FAIR SHAKE, try to actually experience it before you claim that MOnogamy is the BEst BE-All End-All.

At the very least, you can only benefit from going through a Nonmonogamous Phase. It’s very possible that later, after your Wild Oats Nonmonog phase, you might then want some Monogamy.

But By god, wouldn’t you like to have a 3-way at least once in your life? Or even a FOUR-way???? you know the answer to that, look deep in your heart.

And you can even still Be Friends with Women too. Well, the ones you have no interesting in Banging that is.

“But Women Are more than pieces of meat to be banged!!”

yeah, some of them will be more than this to you. but most women will allow themselves to be treated like meat by the right (masculine) men. I just want you to finally get yours, and not to be a pathetic supplicating beta all of your life!!!!

HEh. betas’ problem is they WANT to RESPECT Women too much, and MEn and Women have inherently different Ideas of Respect. Indeed, it’s very, very hard to Respect a Woman on Men’s Terms. This is a classic Fool’s Errand: don’t waste your time and energy trying to Respect Women, because 99% they will fall far short.

And, as a win-win, it’s not really that HARD for a woman to be a respectable NAWALT, in other words, when you DO find a respectable woman, it should be easily apparent, and not drain too much of your time, energy, resources ANYWAY.

heh. just saying you should focus your time and effort on something more productive than women….like GAMBLING.

yep. if you don’t have the right attitude, women can be just as big and horrible and destructive of a SCAM as COLLEGE or CAREER. And I am here to help you get the right attitude. because that is both simple and excruciatingly difficult. not nearly as easy as successful careerfags would have you think! you can waste your whole life trying and failing to change your damn attitude! So i am here to show you the RIGHT way to do that.

“B-B-But I don’t want to HATE women!”
Only pathetic supplicating betas and scumdog feminists think what i’ve just described is “hating women.”



friday 8 16

yep, the closest feels is YOUR WIFE DIED. Course you can’t use that as an excuse because nobody will believe it. So the next closest thing is Your Wife Divorced You. Well heck that’s probably WORSE because then they STEAL all your stuff, make you bankrupt, steal your CHILDREN, ruin your LIFE, send you to Debtor’s Prison, and you’ll prob have to K yourself.

OK, all it is is essential Getting DUMPED. This is a special kind of rejection that hurts more than the average rejection. because it’s a True Love Rejection. the True Love was Elevating you to Normalfag Happiness and Normalfag Productivity, and now it’s Dead and Gone, never to return.

There’s also always a Winner and A Loser. I GUESS there are SOME situations where BOTH people want out, so you can maybe have a Win Win. But how often is that? will estimate 25% of Breakups. Could be wrong. CERTAINLY not over 49%. Prob not over 40%. 30%? Getting warmer.

The Vast Majority of times, it’s a Win Lose, a Zero Sum game, a Winner and a Loser, a Dumper and a Dumpee, someone clearly Wants the other person More, Loves the other person more, one person wants OUT, the other person wants to stay IN.

A RECIPE for Crippling Depression if there ever was one!!

To be FAIR, I can’t imagine it’s FUN or pleasant being the Dumper Either. But it’s 9000000000000000000 X more fun than being the Dumpee!

When you’ve ONLY ever been (nonmutually) Dumped, that can do a number on your Self-Esteem! Legit!

And on your Productivity. Your performance in Skool, Work, Workaholism, and Internships declines, then you’re unemployable, then you’re undatable, and it’s a vicious circle.

12:40 pm good lord god almighty, god almighty, have mercy on me, god almighty, have mercy on me.

so ran into Girl7 AGAIN, exactly 9 days after the first run in. Believe me this wasn’t MY design. Again, the short-term reaction was, well, I didn’t do too bad, didn’t burst into tears, handled myself ok, not having a meltdown. But I’m worried what my medium term reaction will be. from 2 to say 8 days after. I was just starting to get back to normal too. And I got serious sh1t to get DONE over the next 2 to 8 days, and do NOT need to be distracted by this!!!!

Jesus Christ!!!!!!!

And it’s not really HER so much. It’s HER 40%, and her Successful Winning Life and Hard, STRONG Work Ethic Reaping the Appropriate Dividends which is 60% of the Sorrow.

Now you can’t cleave those in twain 100%, because that was part of her personality, her personality that I fell in LOVE with, etc.

But a person who works THAT hard and NEVER GETS DISCOURAGED and NEVER GIVES UP, I think it’s safe to say they never even had the thought enter their mind: “What’s the point of all this? Why am I doing this? Why don’t I just give up and blow my brains out?”

Again, what she’s doing IS hard, but Hard Tasks are a Lot EASIER for people with resilient, strong, neverdepressed constitutions like her.

Excuses, excuses, hahaha.

Yeah, and if I had gotten on a Phat Dose of SSRIs in my First Year of College, and also at that same time QUIT drinking, QUIT smoking weed, TOOK a BREAK from College to regroup, Went to a different college, changed my major, or took SEVERAL years off from College to work or join the AIR FORCE, read 20 books about how to be a Good College Student, then I could have been in her position too.

And YES it is better and easier and more effective to Address one’s “depression” earlier rather than later in life.

But at this point, that’s Time Machine Territory. Can’t CHANGE THE PAST.

But I CAN say, Jesus Christ, I hope she never Pops In again!!!!!!

Because if she said to me, I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE, or, “I’m ready to go Out with You Romantically now!” I would respond YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER, MY WILDEST DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE, NORMALFAG CITY, HERE I COME.

Because I can’t even imagine being a person like her, with her healthy mind, her healthy habits, having a Great job, WANTING to go to Grad Skool, actually having Career Ambition, and working on it, AND succeeding at it. Just a Bridge Too Far. Can’t Relate, but Would Want, hehehe.

What’s it like to have a Great Job? What’s it like to Work Hard and Not Give Up? What’s it like to have Career Goals? What’s it like to Not Hate Careers and Skool? What’s it like to Not get so discouraged by everything? What’s it like to be Strong and Healthy and Happy? What’s it like to have something to offer a Mate, and to be Healthy Enough to enter into a Mature, Healthy, Happy, Adult Relationship?

All this would be easier to forget if she were just another Annoying, Decadent American Wh0re, poisoned by our decadent Trash Culture, like maybe 75% of Young American Women are. I’m not a fan of Women, have I mentioned?

Anyway. Time to Move on and GET. TO. WORK.

Long ago I read something in history class, something about workers rights and strikes and fighting for the 8 hour workday as opposed to the 24 hour workday, hehehe, and there was a slogan like “8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for what we will.” Which has stuck with me ever since.

For several reasons.
1. I am one of those 4ssholes who NEEDS at least NINE hours of sleep a night. That or I am “Hypersomnolent”.
2. At LEAST 3 or 4 hours of your “8 hours of Free Time” is directly related to Getting Ready for or Going to Work: getting up, getting ready, showering, pooping, eating, getting dressed, ironing/washing clothes, and god almighty COMMUTING.
3. So now you have 4 hours of actual free time, and if you don’t spend at LEAST half of that doing HOMEWORK, then you’re an Unambitious Loser.
4. And GOD FORBID you have KIDS or a FAMILY. Little Kids who need to be Parented, Old Parents who need Caretaking. Put fresh diapers on your parents, after you’ve done Work-Related stuff for 12 hours, before you need to do Skool related-stuff for 2 but preferably 4 hours. Working on your Masters of Human Resources from Strayer University.
5. And Normal Everyday Chores and Errands: going to the DOCTOR. Fixing your CAR. going SHOPPING for FOOD and good CLOTHES to wear to WORK.

Good Lord almighty, just THINKING about all this gets me discouraged!!! But to be a Winner, you HAVE to do all those things without getting discouraged!

sat 8 17

what up muh franz. it was one of the most beautiful days in weeks, and a day off, so what do you think I did, yep laid in bed till like 3 o clock. rather than work on my Project, rather than go to the store and get new CLOTHES.

But I eventually did do some Chores, and went for a brisk powerwalk in the nice sun.

Still possibly reacting to seeing Girl7 yesterday. thought of how True Love is different from Nontrue love. Her I MISS, Not having her in my life is painful. Her I would Gladly Commit To Monogamously because I like her more than Other Girls. And of course she is a huge winner and I am a huge loser, she is way out of my league, hahahaha.

continuing to take 20 mg a day in the morning. considering possibility that my body has been full of Tension, so my desire to Lay In Bed whenever I don’t have to Go To Underwork is attributable to the muscles of my body releasing Tonnes of Tension, rather than just being More Lazy Than Average, or More Crippling Depressed than Average, or Not being able to Deal with or Get Over Girl 7, etc.

“Prozac at 20”  semi roundtable discussion on prozac, prof jordan peterson once again mentions his experience of tension being released.

so there’s no REASON for HIM to be “depressed”, because he’s got a Great Top 1% Elite Job AND he got a Woman to Have His Children, he has no REASON, so of COURSE it makes sense for him to take tonnes of meds, because he must have been born with a DEFECT in his BRAIN! So Chut Up and Take Yer Medz!!!

OK I think I will.

TLDR: Give Medz a Chance, Go No Contact when True Love has Died, Tue Love Dying is Legitimately Rough and will take like a YEAR to get over, be thankful for not having Cancer, Eliminate Negative Influences, People, Places and Things from your life.