NOT EVEN MOST WOMEN ARE EVIL CHILDREN

nov 11

sheeeeeeeeeeeit LEONARD COHEN died. age 82. not sure what. he came out with that new song/album a few months ago. out of all the famous singers who died recently, LC is by far the one I liked the most. I was/am an actual literal serious LC FAN. I have seen LC live. TWICE! I have spent hours listening to and fully enjoying LC, respecting an admiring him. I know he was old and obviously wouldnt live forever, and his health seemed to be declining even with that. he did not have long in other words. and here it happened.

ive listened to him less the past few years, and have been trying to keep his JOOISHNESS in mind critically, but he was still prob muh fav JOO. and now that he is gone it would be a lot easier for me to push the button and send them all back to their homeland hahahaha.

i still think he was a good guy. i just didnt like that his profound songs, lyrics, philosophy had to be somehow TAINTED with jooishness.

i mean i dont think he was a typical antiwhite joo by any means.

he died on MONDAY and we only heard about it on THURSDAY? well thats more than fair. i would just hate for him to be pressured to make an anti trump statement during his last day of life hahahaha. who knows, he probably did before hahaha.

cant find cause of death. i mean it doesnt really matter, i just want to know if he secretly had CANCER like david bowie.

sheeeeeeeeit now i gotta listen to his latest album released 1 month ago. i heard one song from it and i didnt love it.

unfort i had a dream about That Woman last night so i am thinking about that.

also that she knows that I am a big cohen fan so when she hears about his death she will think of me unless she is just THAT dense, 50 50 chance there hahaha.

basically how can any big LC fan be a total betraying piece of shit? she would think if she was smart and mature, which she is not hahaha.

like LC, i have lived for years blaming myself for hurting and disappointing someone i luved, totally being a coward. this is kinda how LC viewed himself too. disappointed in himself for being a coward who hurt the people he luved. i totally know that feel.

anyway he captures that guilt and Vulnerability very well, all real fans know this.

anyway the dream: in the dream i finally received my long awaited Long Email from her. she actually never appeared in the dream, just the email.

the email was nice and long. but it did not have her name on it, and it was in my Spam folder, and I easily could have missed it because it was buried among 6000000 emails in my spam folder. (not realistic, i check and empty spam every day and there is never more than 4 emails in there due to how often i check it)

i read the email and while i was glad she was finally communicating with me, it was frustrating. i think she apologized for shutting down. but she spent a lot of time talking about her new bf. and how she had to go out and be young and stupid for a while, dating around, euphemisms for being a casual sex slut. then she finally met this guy who she cant even explain. on paper he sounds horrible: immature, unfriendly, he’s even more emotionally sensitive than me or even YOU (meaning me!), grumpy, stubborn, but I just saw something in him and now I am so happy.

(that made me angry and be like yeah but i am better than that! hes even MORE emotional than me? why couldnt you just pick ME instead? why go out and be a slut and then end up with a guy whos like me, but even WORSE? why not contact me earlier and give me a chance? I still luv you!)

so yeah my ultimate feeling after getting the letter was frustration, not really any greater closure, but a reawakened desire to try to beg her to come to me, pleeeease think about dating me, please give me a chance, you’re dating an emotional, short, grumpy, awkward guy, i am all those things too, but i am trying to become a better man though! and i would luv you unconditionally!

so yeah the whole feeling was like, this doesnt make me feel much better, this wasnt the closure i was looking for, she didnt talk enough about the stuff i wanted her to talk about (apologizing, dont blame yourself, youre a great guy) and talked too much about stuff i didnt want to hear about (new emo boifran, slutting it up.)

and she said, you absolutely need to have no contact with me in order to get over this, we cant talk again for like a YEAR. and just go out there and meet new people. I did! good people, bad people, just any new people. youll meet a few shitty people but eventually you will meet a great person and then you will get over me!

so that was technically good, becuase yeah thats exactly what i need to do, and that was her saying, theres no chance between me and you.

mainly i was angry because i was like, overall, she doesnt’ really GET it. this isnt the letter i wanted.

but that made it easier for me to dislike her and to see how Incompatible we were, so thats kinda good tho.

but it also sucked to bring all the feelings back to the surface again, to remind me that i still wanted her. i had a strong urge to reply and try to persuade her like a game of chess. i still want you.

so yeah. basically it means that a letter from her wouldn’t do a ton of good at this late date. its too late hahahaha.

but technically i wouldnt mind DISliking her more. or an apology, an admission of her guilt, and her saying it wasnt my fault.

so yeah. i guess an email wouldnt be all bad. because i HATE being misunderstood, and not listened to, not given a chance to defend myself, and having someone i luv, hate me forever.

but yeah i dont need stupid dreams bringing HER back to the fore, when there are much more important things happeneing in the world!

trump victory!

leonard cohen dying!

and all i can think of now is, well when she hears about LC dying, she might think of ME and maybe try to contact me!

sheeeeit shes prob so busy working, making money, succeeding, and being in luv and fookin new bf’s, to ever hear about LC or remember anything about him.

i mean she could even have a CHILD by now hahahaha. thats how long i havent seen her.

she is SO MUCH OVER ME, and I am not really enough over her at all.

i mean i get good days and bad days, and had a couple bad days re her recently.

also, my good days are worse than normies bad days hahahaha.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/told-him-my-true-feelings-and-now-its-truly-awkward-0

good advice from communist alice. it takes courage to confess feelings. open direct communication is the best way forward. he doesnt want to reject you as a person.

thats something thats not covered in these talks. when you confess feelings for a friend, the “norm” is they are like, i dont feel that way, but i dont want to lose your friendship, you are valuable to me as a friend, and then you say, well yeah its complicated! but some space would be nice, can we agree on some space, i mean i wish you well tho.

but from her i got YOU BEATRAYED ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN!!!!!

which left me devastated. but i didnt really get that though. i just got nothing.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/friends-partners-possible

again, just have a direct conversation, with no warnings of this could really really really blow up horribly.

which leads me to believe that blowing up THAT horribly is not normal.

ie, SHE DEFINITELY OVERREACTED BIGLY.

which doesnt mean i wasnt a coward, i def was.

but it takes a lot of courage to do this, AND she overreacted WAY too much, even for a WOMAN.

women are not that bad, white women voted for TRUMP. white women voted for trump. white women are not degen garbage who fook dogs and negros. at least 53% of white women are good hahahaha.

ok call to job int in 2 weeks from stupid hospital. yes THAT hospital. this is for an afternoon shift job with no benefits (casual) and which will be lucky to get 12 an hour. oh well. hopefully they can at least have the decency to give me an actual interview!!!!!!!!

instead of me showing up at 830 am, them saying you would be bored with this job, why dont you try applying for something that would be a better FIT for you, dont look desperate, this job isnt for you, we here at this hospital look at the types of jobs you apply to, you should really apply for something thats a better fit for you, good luck, buh bye.

goddam k1k3s hahahaha.

no you cant just APPLY for one of the 4000 new trump administration jobs. i checked hahaha.

forced self to eat less cereal this morning than i would normally eat.

fookin portion control!

stupid computer. hard drives. never had a hard drive fail. WHY did it fail? was i using the computer too much? i did use it a lot.

but its also been making a weird clicking and humming noise for like 2 months. which i wasnt sure was the hard drive but now i am much more sure thats what it was. cuz the beeping came from the same place.

root cause for hard drive failure. we dont know why your hard drive broke and you lost all your files hahaha.

well my most important files are all on The Cloud. i am really just losing a bunch of music files i downloaded. thats about it. really not bad.

leonard cohen. well he fell in luv many times, even more than i did, and was able to turn his profound feels into classic, timeless songs that will last hundreds of years. i do not have that talent hahahaha. just this blog hahahaha. this blog is my “hallelujah” hahahaha. my “suzanne” and all that shit. so long marianne. im your man. first we take manhattan. take this waltz. dance me to the end of luv. great song, i dont care that some joos say its about the h0l0h04x, its still beautiful. bird on a wire. you know what song i like is sing another song boys. everybody knows hahaha. a great newer song is “alexandra leaving.”  heart with no companion. the future. all that shit. joan of arc. avalanche. chelsea hotel. famous blue raincoat. lover lover lover. all great songs hahaha.

you gotta be a goddam POLITICIAN to CAMPAIGN why you are the BEST candidate for this 11 dollar an hour job. you cant just say the right things, you gotta really sell yourself and convince people. SHE couldnt do that! but she gets a good job just because she doesnt have a GAP like a NEET hahahaha.

hehehe. hey i had an offer for a tech support call center help desk tier 1 job myself, for good money. but i turned it down because i was too SCARED and COWARDLY.  i was like, its not worf it m8.

one thing i got better at is giving clients bad news. give a brief story of specific example when you were bad, then what you did, seek out mentorship, read books, watched youtube, here’s the top 3 things i learned, and here’s a specific story of when i got good at giving the bad news. of our company doesnt want to spend the money to fix our broken equipment hahahaha.

anyway i am real bad with these specific stories. i have a few but they are just not good enough. i SHOULD have written them down while i was THERE. to make them as DETAILED and EPIC and HEROIC as possible. spin them so they have a better ending of we just ignored the person because there case was too hard and expensive to solve, so we gave them the runaround until they stopped calling, because the person who did know how to help them just didnt want to, and we dont have access to the secret information in their head. job security. dont tell anybody anything and sure as hell dont write it down. and then dont help the people who are begging you to help them, becuase they dont even know you can help them.

but yeah now got the 28th interview lined up. not nearly as excited about this job, but welp the PIPELINE hasnt been so full lately hehe.

HONESTLY. why cant the skool just hire me already.

got like FOUR rej emails yesterday for various jobs. and less than half of places actually send rej emails. so what does that tell you. i rarely even APPLY for 4 jobs a day anymore. 3 or 4 on a GOOD day. 0 or 1 on a bad day hahaha.

ok applied for hospital job on the slow computer. great job, entry level data entry thing with very short description. prob get rejected as i always do for these hospital jobs hehe.

took some nyquil. always a good time there. wish we had legal mj. maybe in 2018 election. why not 2017? i thought the state could technically do something like that at ANY time.

but good luck getting Normal People out when there is not a presidential election! like for local elections, no one ever comes out.

even in the big 2016 election, only 55% of eligible people voted. tons of people were just not registered or just too lazy to vote.

i agree that i am too lazy and dont DESERVE to vote, but thats NOT what these people are thinking, they are just too lazy and uncaring to vote. i vote because i know i have to make use of this power (which i dont deserve, but i have anyway) to keep The Enemy From Winning. that much i can do.

im not proud of how i acted and some days i REALLY blame myself, but the FACT, the FINAL FACT, the VERDICT, is, SHE OVERREACTED BIGLY hehehehe. women tend to overreact and she overreacted on top of an overreaction. so that is on her, and i shouldnt and cannot blame myself for that. like i MADE her do that.

nov 12

yeah basically i thought even though our rel was In Trouble, that I was entitled to, that i had EARNED THE RIGHT TO DEFEND MYSELF.

how can you so easily throw me away, make me dead to you and you dead to me? we knew each other for 3 years!!!! Ive earned the right to defend myself against what you’ve charged me with! so lets have a damn trial! lets sit down and talk and present our cases before the judge and jury! i am confident enough to represent myself as my own attorney. you can get an attorney too if you like.

well then we would have to hire a judge and jury. that would be too expensive. finding an impartial group of people to make a decision on something that onyl matters to ONE person, me.

so yeah a Trial would have been NICE for me…..but its an expensive bourgeois LUXURY to have a trial.

no ones ENTITLED to a trial hahahaha.

your trial, my funeral hahahahahahahaha

just spending money like water this week and its not even xmas hahaha.

so yeah. i thought she would be willing to give me a TRIAL. LET ME DEFEND MYSELF. LISTEN TO ME. again thats all part of the Natural, Beautiful Complexity of being Thrown Away. it is a flower with many petals hahahaha.

i mean yeah. when a person can just Switch It Off, so 180, thats a Red Flag that you are not compatible with them.

of course compatibility is a jooish lie hahahahaha. its not about compatibility, its about WILLINGNESS TO WORK.

yeah well she wasnt WILLING TO WORK EITHER.

16 months later, 480 days later, still thinking about this. well, 500 is a nice round number like 100% is hahahaha.

leonard cohen. whose the white leonard cohen. LC was a great man but his CYNICISM and DESPAIR and PESSIMISM was so TYPICALLY Jooish. i am all those things too, and i dont like that jooishness in me, but it comes from living in a jooish culture and world. i dont want to be this way hahahaha. the world made me this way. my goy heart innately rejects it.

not to say ALL of cohens stuff was pessimistic! but he also wasnt willing to reject his own jooishness. he had a good sense of being a joo. well, few joos do not. they just say, well im not religious, we dont go to temple, we’re basically white. except when it comes to evil racist white privilege and granny dying in muh holocaust, then they are 6000000% jooish.

heh all the cohen fans are also antitrump. and i said, well if a person is a cohen fan they’re prob good people. hahahaha. no they are shitlib antiwhites hahaha. i might be the only trump supporting cohen fan in the world.  now, trump supporting cohen fans, i guarantee you THEY are good people hahahaha. great intersectionality there.

ghoul doxxing himself damn. yeah i am jelly he is a handsome nonnevergf chad, but its good for our people, and it takes courage to do this. i mean his real name hasnt come out, but its just a damn matter of time now.

i mean hows he ever gonna get a job as a phd now? thats what i worry about.

well he could prob get a job at a community college, which is seen as BENEATH the majority of phds…….but i can verify that its NOT beneath a sizable minority of them hahahaha. and i think ghoul would appreciate the chance to actually influence real people. i mean the CC is the great equalizer A LOTTTTTTTTTT more than some bourge university is, i realize that, and im sure ghoul realizes that.

white women voted for trump. white women voted for trump hahahaha. my knee-jerk reaction against white women is BAD, negative, a reflex i want to change. i get Stankface and think, these disgusting negro fooking sluts. these stupid annoying children. emily youcis, get the fook out of here, i dont want any annoying sluts in muh alt right white movement.

i would never hurt or abuse a woman, but my GOD do i TALK SHIT about them NONSTOP. my first reflex is to talk MAD shit about women. and i wish it werent hahahaha.

maybe if i met emily youcis in person and had a 1 on 1 conversation with her i wouldnt dislike her so much hahahaha.

but now im like, ha. women. these bandwagon jumpers. she’s just doing this because its edgy. she’ll be gone in ONE YEAR. I’ve been pro-white for six years hahahahah and just getting deeper.

its SAD that my FIRST REACTION to white women is one of dislike, negativity.

bbbbut im in a woman hating phase right now, it will pass.

i will be in a woman hating phase until i get over HER, which will take 2 full years hahahaha.

so if i am still hating women in july 2017, then i should work on that hahahaha. that is my deadline hehehe.

but yeah i can convince myself that white women arent all bad (i dont really care about nonwhite women, they can ALL be degen pigs, disgusting animals, and i just dont care, because theyre not “My Women.”) when i remind myself, 53% of white women voted for trump hahahaha. i mean thats a powerful Logic Bomb hehehehe.

basically, Not All Women, and Not Even MOST Women, would Heartless Hurt Me Deeply. Not Even MOST Women would have disgusting casual negro sex.

that is my Positive, non pessimistic mantra for the day haha. NOT EVEN MOST WOMEN. are evil children. or just destructive bratty out of control children, 50 foot baby with 600000000 machine guns.

come on. just pay a person to do what you dont want to do. it doesnt even have to be a professional. just hire the dr nick of relship counselors hahaha. pay tyrone off the street 20 bucks for crack to be a messenger of bad news. hey i dont like giving bad news either.

applied for 3 jobs. called one thing “payroll clerk” in cover letter even though official name is “payroll assistant.” WHOOPS auto disqualified! this is the same company i really really really wanted the IT job at. a health care company with good reputation. i also applied for a financial job at that same time which they mentioned in the IT interview, i said I’d be happy with either but was 60 40 into the IT job re better fit. i was reallllllly hoping to get the job. got nothing. also did not even get interview for financial job. NOW i just applied for payroll job at this company. i KNOW they are growing like wildfire because they told me that at the interview. they plan to double in size in 2 years.

applied for PT general office clerk job at health care “business” company. have applied for this SAME job like 4 or 5 times, ALWAYS get rejected. then it opens again a month later, then i apply again. get rejected again. well, sometimes its a FT version of basically the same job. diff req numbers each time so i COUNT it on muh sheet as a new job. numbers up.

onyl spent 178 hours on Job Search. Maybe i need to spend at least 500 hahahaha.

i would much rather just pay the 2100 dollars that these hours are worth at 12 dollars an hour rate and have someone else do this work for me hehehehe.

just all so fookin retarded. i cant help but feel if i were like 22 years old instead of 10ish years older than that, they would be more willing to hire me and i wouldnt have to do 28 goddam interviews.

god damn j1zz burping cvnt.

well did good today on calories at least. and technically on job apps, got 4 done. beating the avg of 3 hahaha.

i mean sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

yeah i mean TRY to give me the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. 2.7 years, you think you’d be “entitled” to the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. this might not be the worst case scenario. maybe he wasnt a huge liar. maybe thats why he was always trying to hang out. maybe thats what he said in those emails i deleted. maybe i shouldnt ahve overreacted so much. yeah i know he overreacted too but what would i do if i started liking a friend? i mean yeah thsi is an uncomfortable conversation, but he’s not a bad guy, he means well, we were good friends once, i’ll send my mom, or a mutual friend, or a shrink, or pay a black crack bum 20 bucks, to be the bringer of bad news for me.

the fact that she couldnt do ANY of that tells me that she was ANGRY and HATEFUL towards me and WANTED to PUNISH me for HURTING her.

but yeah i’ll never know. going down that rabbit hole again. wouldnt be going down it if i had some MJ, or a JOB, or other women to hang out with, or more friends to hang out with. i mean i have acquaintances who will prob go to the bar tonight…..but i dont really want to go to the bar! but i should go to the bar just to be social right?

yeah but its so loud and packed you cant even TALK to anyone or HEAR anyone. you cant be social when you literally have to scream in someones ear. is it that bad that i avoid these sort of situations? why cant i just go to someones house and play vidya and games and MJ and we can talk at a normal volume and actually hear each other?

but i feel ashamed showing myself when i dont have a job.

and i havent had a job in 16 months hahahaha.

well, i am ok with doing my weekly thing tho.

sooo……do i want to do that thing on saturday night then?

well i mean….i dunno. i wish there were other social options other than the bar, or that social game. for example, a friend i could just hang out with at a home, play vidya, play games, watch tv, take mj hahahaha. MAYBE take mj. i am lacking friends that i am close enough to do that sort of stuff with. to actually have relaxed banter. my other acquaintences are big on sports and tv, i dont know shit about sports and tv. i try to talk about it but i cant get very far. its HARD WORK hahahaha.

when you go down from 36 waist to 34 and have to switch from L underoos to M hahahaha. and XL t shirts to L.

 

 

 

 

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NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

THEY CANT IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE FOR US, WE CANT IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE FOR THEM

aug 9

dat feel when you are “fasting” till about 1 pm hahaha

drinking coffee and then shart your pantz hahahahaha

nothing too major but you still definitely have to change the drawers.

thinking how the hell would you deal with this if you were at your JOB.

and this is why smart people have an extra pair of drawers in their car or locker just for this very reason.

because i am very very very smart and i still shart muh pantz as a 35 year old grown ass man hahahahaha.

been INTERVIEWING so much I have fallen back in my actually applying to jobs. so, trying to catch up on that today.

also trying to do 16/8 hours in terms of fasting/eating. do all your eating within an 8 hour window.

since i might have a snack around 9 pm tonight, that means i dont want to eat anything till 1 pm.

but i will drink coffee.

ok did 4 applications then ate small breakfast at around 115pm, as i was fasting on a 16/8 intermittent….i already described this hahahahalolololol.

rustlers_gonna_rustle_-_haters_gonna_hate_-_rustled_jimmies-20120923-142511

heh hehehe

5T6NLs2

leave me alone lads

ok ok i think that is enough of that.

 

its just fookin STUPID and DISGUSTING how what is SUCH A BIG DEAL to an omega kissless virgin, means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the average WOMAN. Not even talking about sluts. but average women are totally COMFORTABLE with the idea of secs, they ENJOY regular secs with their BF’s, they ENJOY regular cuddling and tickling and ASMR whispering, and all of this stuff is SUCH A BIG DEAL to us KV’s, because we have never experienced them before, or are on a 12 year dry spell hahahaha. WOMEN can NEVER know the pain of a 12 year dry spell. i just want them to check their privilege hahahahaha. i’m not saying they shouldnt HAVE this privilege. the privilege makes sense. whats RUSTLING is how they claim not to have it.

i bet its like how it makes Black Activists feel when Whites say that Whites dont have white privilege, white privilege is a MYTH.  hahahahaha.

well it is hahahaha.

but female relationship supply privilege is NOT a myth.

they cant even IMAGINE what its like for US, who havent even cuddled with a woman in 12 years;

and we can’t even imagine what its like for THEM, where being in a relationship and having regular cuddles and secs is NOT a weird thing.

hehehehe. thats my point. and that’s why i get rustled when WOMEN offer unsolicited advice to MEN. and really why only MEN can help other men out of this tragic, pathetic, despairing situation.

a woman having secs with her BF and not getting totally nervous about it. just enjoying the secs.

if we have ever had secs, we were extremely nervous about it and never had the chance to really enjoy it, because no woman ever stayed with us long enough so that secs was a regular, consistent thing that you could get comfortable with.

less than .00001% of women know what that’s like, because ALL women have been in long term rels where they had regular secs at least SOME of the time!

which im not saying makes them sluts. it just simply means there was a period in their life where they got regular secs and weren’t nervous about it and enjoyed it, and that is a pretty big thing, and they have a very hard time seeing how its a big thing, because it seems like such a NORMAL thing.

ate breakfast. now the challenge is, dont eat any snacks. dont eat any damn potato chips, dont even have a damn protein shake because even THAT is 180 calories.  i will have a tiny snacklike dinner at around 5pm and then have my Big Meal around 9 pm.

which is a terrible time to have your big meal, but this is my social event, and its kinda expected to get food, and this place has very good food.

i just wished women viewed secs as something SPECIAL that you shared only with someBODY special, and didnt just give away to men you just met.  i mean shit thats PORNOGRAPHIC. this is how New Life is Created!!!

i am so unmasculine that i look a photos of m1kk0 4sp4 and say damn what an awesome guy, i wish i could meet him one day, and then i notice he has a ring on his finger in 2016 that wasnt there before, and I wonder did some LUCKY LADY nail him down. well i mean yes i hope so, I want MA to marry a nice traditional finnish woman, pref virgin, and have LOTS of kids. he’s done some degen things in his past but he is totally able to make up for them.

when the same jobs pop up on DIFFERENT sites a few weeks later. should i count it as applying for separate jobs? shit yes, because i am spending at least 12 minutes on it hahahaha.

i hope muh buddy MA does get married to a nice finnish tradwife and never goes back to his degen interest in pornography and degradation and humanity is shit, etc. i think he knows by now that HIS people arent shit!

i just dont want him to pick the wrong woman. cuz i fear he has dealt with sluts and skanks in the past. (speculation.) but i want him to MARRY and have CHILDREN with a GOOD decent trad woman.

this is all from seeing a damn RING on his finger in a 2016 photo hahahahaha.

its none of my BUSINESS what he does in his personal life, and he’s not the type to TALK about it either!

i just think he makes great music and does great work, so i want him to be a great person in his personal life. and it was so encouraging to discover that he was big into Nationalism. Since I have been getting big on related topics too, hehehehe.

ok 7 jobs applied, got my daily average back up to 3.0, (7 day) got my 5 day work week average up to 4 per day. ie 21 per week. this is about as good a goal as any. maybe 25 per week hehehe.

shit i will have to apply to about 5 more today just to get to 22 per day. thats how these goddamn AVERAGES work. its difficult to push them even a LITTLE bit. which is appropriate for averages, I think.

see normies would say to me, why the hell dont you get a masters degree if you think youre so smart. you dont belong in the regular world. you belong in the masters degree world. or law or phd or something.

and then those people would say ehhhhh you fall a little bit short here, whyd you fook up in college? you might have been a good Professional, but you fooked up and never really corrected course. now youre in an awkward position.

and i will say yeah i hated school, i thought school was a scam. i tried going back to school a little bit to build REAL job related skills. thats what these 80 credits are right here. Then i got a new job, went crazy, then was in the depths of despair for a year. and here i am now, trying to get out of THAT.

wish there was a better word than “TRADWIFE” for an ACTUAL traditional, decent, good, moral, nonslut wife. because “tradwife” is a joke that means tranny. which is FINE……but what about the “tradwives” who actually ARE women?

i dunno i think some people use it to talk about actual females and we can determine if you are talking about a woman or a man based on context hahahahaha.

avg as 18 minutes for the 7 applications i did TODAY. longest one was 34 minutes. damn.

“A racist used to be someone who hated Blacks. Now, a racist is someone who doesn’t hate Whites.” Dr. David Duke.

I dont even know if DR DUKE said that, but its plausible, and its a great quote. yes i am the type of white racist who likes david duke. i would vote for david duke for senate ALL DAY if I lived in LA. I hope he wins. he’s a bit degen in his personal life, but his white stuff is UNIMPEACHABLE. I def went through a DD phase a few years ago. He made me moar J-wise. Great man, great teacher, go listen to his radio show NOW.

i have no doubt DD loves the White Race as much as I do hahaha. He is just tempted by Secsy Wimmin and Gambling. I mean shit if I had Secsy Wimmin throwing themselves at me, I would be tempted by them too. Plus he was always a handsome and charming man. However I am very curious how his relship is with his children. I know he has at least one child, well by now they are an adult. probably has grandchildren.

using lemon or lime juice and water as a natural deodorant hahahahaha.

new fatherland, and wewlad, looks like jim and bradan are guest hosting the daily shoah while seventh son is on vacation. well looks like i am gonna have to listen to another episode of the daily shoah hahahaha.

get

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

yes there is one more that is the coup de grace hahahaha

dont have nearly enough pictures on this blog.

that old friend contacting me reminded me that me and him got/get along really well and i dont have any friends like that in muh life any more. last time I saw him, That Woman was still a part of muh life, and becoming increasingly important to me. in fact i mentioned her to him, like i have this female friend that I get along with really well, and she’s not ugly, and she just broke up with her BF of 4 years, and I SHOULD be in luv with her, but I’m not, I dunno, it’s weird. and then soon after, i was in luv with her.

i mean if i lived in the same town as him, i would be hanging out with him all the time. great guy all around, just top tier man.

but he only lives 60-70 miles away! that is not far!

its too far for me, apparently.

but he is also good about accepting me for the lazy grumpy low energy low effort never lift a finger selfish badfriend that I am, hahahaha.

but yeah with her leaving my life over a year ago, i lost somebody that i felt very close to, and it was a big deal for me at least. point is i was pretty close to him as well, not in a secsy way of course, but we got along really really well in a way that I dont get along with my less close male friends.

aug 10

welp its all about the 16/8 intermittent fasting nao hahahahah. plan today is dont eat “breakfast” until 1.30 pm. totally doable.

applied for state general office job, 31k a year. not bad right? took 28 minutes on application, way up from the average 12. that average is slowly creeping up lately hahahah. might even get to 13. they asked like 5 or 6 “short answer” questions that thankfully I had saved the same questions and answers from a previous stupid app with this same state dept. which was almost 1 month ago. didnt even get a rejection from them. i suppose they could still call me in for interview. job today was only open for TWO DAYS. the posting I mean. my alerts usually come in after 24 hours. so it was opened yesterday, i found it today, and it closes TOMORROW. wow hahaha. wonder how many apps they will get. 200? certainly 100.

setting goal at 1200 calories a day. before the goal was at like 1450 and that was kinda hard to do every day. and I wasn’t really losing any weight. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. takes a LOT of self discipline to limit yourself to 1200. BUT I kinda need some kind of self disclipline!!!!!!

basically, the CONNECTION that i had with that woman, it was special, it was good, and thats what I want to have with the Woman I Marry and Have Children With. A Close, Intimate CONNECTION and Closeness and Intimacy. not something that falls short of what I had with That Woman who Childishly Ran Away from me.

connection, closeness, intimacy. it is VERY important. it is the foundation of TRUE LUV.

if you do a very fast google search on where a company office is located, and you immediate get hit with terrible reviews of the company and their “shady, useless staff”……should you still apply there hahahahaha.

sheeit they say the most powerful vitamin d sunshine is between 11am and 3pm. i usually go for muh long walk around 6 pm. because i hate walking around like a derelict earlier than that. but i might try it today for 1 hour from 2 to 3 pm hehehehe.  get some vitamin d. because the vitamin d supplements apparently dont work.

did i mention the sweet admin asst job that rejected me within FOUR HOURS of applying? i mean it looked real good. when I say that, I mean it doesnt seem to involve a call center, and the job description is fairly straightforward, no bullshit, and seems like something i am capable of, and i say HALE YEAH and apply for it ASAP, and mark it with “APPLYYYYYYYYYYY” and apply to it within an hour, if not right that minute.

another thing says between 10 am and 2 pm.

obviously most whites are at WORK during these hours and cant get their vitamin d. also, 66% of the US does not get direct enough sun during the winter to make vitamin d from sun, so you need Cod Liver Oil to help you as it does for the eskimos who get no sun ever. and the samis hahahaha.

so, armed with this SCIENCE IS MY FOOKING AWESOME GOD, I went for 1 hour powerwalk from 1:30 to 2:30 pm. it was already 90 degrees which i Luv. anyway it was great and I regret not doing this on other sunny days because i was too ashamed to be see not working during the workday hahahaha.  so i can still do a few more apps today and ive already done FIVE. then took a break and powerwalked and got OFFICIAL sun.

anyway i could tell right away it was different than the sun at 6, 7 pm. totally different. as they said, if you look at your shadow, it looks pretty short. short shadow good, long shadow bad. the sun was almost directly overhead. right above me. 90 degrees. the directness is key. also i am definitely in that 66% of the US that you can only get this during SUMMER.

i figured 1 hour was good enough. dont want to get a BURN. and of course if you use sunblock, you dont get vitamin d.

sun altitude needs to be above 50 degrees. today it got up to 62.7 at 1:30 pm hehehehe for my latitude.

http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/docs/AltAz.php

so yeah i got the most of that. ideally i would have not wore a shirt at all hahahahahaha but i wore a “tank top muscleshirt” hahahaha.

11:30 to 3:50 is the times the sun was above 50 today. that is a very short window of time! ive been doing this all wrong!

essentially i am trying to “sunbathe” hehehehe.  for mainly vitamin d and some very slight tanning purposes. not to look “tan”, but basically to not look Pasty or Pale.  like these sluts that go to the tanning booth. they just look HARRIBLE.

i just want enough sun so i dont look like a pasty neet who never goes outside! becuase i LIKE going outside, most of all during the summer! ie right now!!!!! this is easily my fav time of year and soon it will be over! by the time you read this it will be the middle of february! and hopefully i will be working hahahahaha.

and we will have a new pres inaugurated, hopefully trumpenfuhrer. and hopefully he doesnt sell out the common white working man. but hillary could still win. the past week or so has been protrayed as trumps worst ever. i mean trump may have had a slam dunk in some states, but i really dont think he will in the general election.

june and july are best months for over 50 degree sun. aug is ok. sept is surprisingly bad. october is no chance.

yeah well what do you get from 45 degree sun? anything?

like in september there is barely any time to get the useful sun. the UVB rays. the UVA are the bad ones. UVB only breaks thru above 50 degrees. UVA can still get you tan but they also give you cancer.

i wonder how many cox these totally qt volleyball gurls are taking at the olympics. i mean shit their fathers can accompany them and keep them from whoring it up. also some athletes are Married or Committed. and so they should uphold their commitment to their BF by not CHEATING on them while they are at the olympics.

just in case i ever get into a committed real with a beautiful 20 year old olympic athlete gurl hahahahahaahah.

ok. 7 job apps. AND an hour powerwalk in the peak vitamin D sun, all before 5 pm. the sun gave a bit of noticeable tanning as well. much more than many hours out at 6 and 7 pm. lesson: the 1pm sun is EXPONENTIALLY stronger.

the bitch on this american pickers (jooers) would be very good looking if she did not have all those god damn degenerate tattoos! she is obviously a tattoo aficionado. and it is sad. because she is a physically healthy and very attractive 8+/10…..and then she defiles her body with a SHITLOAD of RIDICULOUS tats. which indicates SEVERE emotional disturbance.  CRAY CRAY. total cheater, mudshark, bipolar, borderline.

no father would let their daughter do that. unless the father was himself a tatted up freak. good chance of it. probably a biker or some shit.

BIKERS DO NOT MAKE GOOD FATHERS.

This one gurl I briefly liked, and was a crazy mudshark slut, her father was a biker and he was also a deadbeat and not present at all, which largely led to her becoming a crazy mudshark slut. good job friendo.

it can still be hot as hell and you can still get skin cancer and sunburn at like 5 pm….butyou wont get any of the useful UVB at that time! ridiculous! it really is not intuitive.

dontrustleme

bwahahahahahahahahaha

so. say you are applying and bla bla health care revenue cycle managed services inc for job a, you attach your packet for it.

then, 5 minutes after applying, you find job b with same company. you delete packet a from being “associated with the candidate record” and then upload packet B, which of course is very similar, just with a very words changed.

so what do THEY see when they look at your submission for job a? do they see packet B? do they see nothing?

of course they wont TELL you, they just throw your shit in the garbage where it belongs hahahaha.

so now my official policy is, keep uploading a new packet for every job, and give it a filename accordingly, until the system says you cannot upload any more. then delete the oldest one.

the things we do to get a 14 an hour job!

in the good old baby boomer days, it was assumed that you would be trained on the job for every job. NOW that assumption has shifted entirely: its not the COMPANY’s responsibility to train you anymore, its YOUR responsibility to TRAIN yourself.

it has been hard for me to accept this since in muh family and muh upper working class community, the boomer previous generations who raised us, they were in the Company Trains You world, and the next generation, Us, We are in the You Train Yourself at Great Expense world, and yeah you can get a little assmad about it. like how come I gotta do all this extra work just to get what you didn’t have to do ANY extra work for?

because joos. and you can either accept it and make some money to try to create your own strong white world, or you can complain and let da joos assraep you without putting up a fight.

359 days since i sent The Last Email to her. Aug 17th is the big one year no contact anniversary. maybe i should celebrate. yes i really should.

aw sheeeit that goddamn healthcare company essentially keeps positing the same jobs every 3-4 weeks, and i keep applying to them, only they use a different requisition number, but its basically the same job. I never get called. I have to wonder, are they actually hiring people? or is this one of those PHANTOM JOBS? that will just get posted every 3 weeks over and over and over again, getting 60000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 applications, allowing them to maintain a pool of the 100 best people of all time? which they prob wont do because its too much work. no time. time is money wagie! we can’t afford to schedule more part time hours to do that task!

like this fooking hospital. EVERY job they post is part time. like fooking nursing jobs, medical assistant, stuff you need an education for. getting a full time days job there is impossible.

i mean there are .7 FTE jobs and midnights jobs and PRN jobs and Rotating Shift jobs.  i am thankful i am just not that DESPERATE yet!

ok did a 3.6 powerwalk. 6.6 total today hehehe.

listened to that scottish 34 year old virgin with the phd who lives with his parents and cant get a job and has sent out hundreds of applications and gone on…..only 5 interviews as far as i can tell. well i have done 13 interviews and sent out 350 applications and nothing mother fooker so i am better than u virgin hahahahaha.

no i kid. i am totally on this guys side. totally. 100%.

he finds the silver lining in that he has very few expenses, he doesnt need much, he doesnt want much, he doesnt spend anything, he doesnt have some soul crushing job, and he doesnt have some bitchy GF sucking him dry.

that last bit sounds pretty mgtowy in the worst way and was the only thing i disagreed with.

when i was at “rock bottom” one of the few things that gave me hope was the idea that i was part of something larger, something greater, namely, the beautiful white race. and maybe ONE DAY I would be able to add to that white race and help it live into the future by having white children of my own. i saw the entirety of the White Race throughout history and how I was part of something beautiful and sacred. i might be unable to survive independently, support myself, find a woman, get married, have children…..but i could support other white families, add to white survival in other ways other than having children.

IDEALLY, having children is the BEST way……but theres still OTHER things I can do. also, not all whites who have white children are race conscious AT ALL. and would just as soon get knocked up by a white biker, then get knocked up by tyrone the black thug.  OR the children are swpl marxist hipsters and they teach their children that race is a social construct.

but yeah basically Race gave me some security, stability, confidence, and a sense of BEAUTY when I really needed all these things. when the world was a lonely, ugly, brutal, loveless place. when no job would hire me and no woman would hang out with me.

You can take muh life, but you can never take muh whiteness!

COME HOME, WHITE MAN.

it really was a big thing for me, and I recommend it to all white neets and losers and virgins. it grounded me and fixed my nihilism problem hehehehe.

You dont need to believe in nothing when you are WHITE!

now, white winners and normies will say this is sad and pathetic, and i’m CLEARLY becoming a racist because I have no real accomplishments of my OWN. and theyre not even really WRONG!

but I feel absolutely no guilt about being a white racist or about loving whites. It feels good and pure, like the love you have for GOD or a WOMAN or your FAMILY. It’s seriously on that level. and how can that be a bad thing???!?!?!?! ITS NOT!!!!!!!

women never will understand this. it doesnt matter. just find a woman who hasn’t been with a nonwhite, marry her, get some white babies out of her, and THEN she will probably understand, and never go black.

but yeah. women are not loyalty to their MEN, they are loyal to their CHILDREN, IF they are loyal to ANYONE. And MANY of them are NOT EVEN LOYAL TO THEIR CHILDREN!

again, it all starts with their fathers. The better the father, the more loyal a woman will be to her boifran or to her children.

in other words, i should have stayed away from that woman as soon as I learned she didnt have a real father. which i learned quite early.

BUT I did kind of build a BIT of a wall. I could feel her wanting to get close to me, and I was thinking, you have a boifran, and also you dont have a father, and I dunno. I will be friendly and nice and talk to you but I’m not gonna let you all the way in. we’re not gonna hang out every single week.

of course as time went on……..i was like well we get along SO WELL! and she’s SO NICE! she turned out SO WELL despite not having a father! and NOW she’s single!!!! she would be a great GF! and she’s going out with a black sleazebag so quickly after ending a 4 year rel, her first serious rel???? WTF????? Why not me????

so yeah you can see my train of thought.

but obviously IT WASNT MEANT TO BE. not even a little bit.

hard to say if we can trace that back to the no father being the root cause. IT CERTAINLY DIDNT HELP.

i dunno if i should argue for increased dose of citalopram tomorrow when i see dr. id just as rather argue for not seeing them every 6 months, but instead every 9 or 12 months.

i mean i am of the thought that i am basically untreatable and i need all the help i can get. the main thing that cures me will be Lifestyle Changes leading to Actual Success….and I haven’t gotten there yet, so keep throwing increased dose and also regular shrink sessions at it. shrink once every 3 weeks, and gradually increasing citalopram. why not. i mean im not getting younger and i am pretty far behind. need all the help i can get.

i have gotten a lot better about doing Job Search Work…….and its gotten me 13 interviews………but it hasnt gotten me an actual JOB yet. and then once i GET a job, I will damn sure want as much citalopram as possible to keep me from having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN and SNAPPING.

because when I had muh Nervous Breakdown with the Job and the Woman, I had also run out of muh paxil.

but i feel that was a coincidence rather than causation.

i mean basically a large cause of the despair is my own sense of being a failure at accomplishing things meaningful to me: namely, with jobs and women. i just want the american dream of a 14 an hour job that doesnt drive me totally crazy, and also a 7/10  approx 25 year old tradwife that’s been with no more than 3 guys, whites only, hahahahahahaha.

and i will feel a sense of despair until I achieve those Major Life Goals.

i mean OTHER PEOPLE have acheived these things before age 25. why shouldnt I hahaha.

they say dont compare yourself to other people. i see their point, BUTTTTTTT…….

ITS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO.

Because you see average normies, not super geniuses, but just average normal normies achieving the fairly modest things that you want to achieve. i’m not asking for the best. I’m just asking for 14 an hour job, not to go crazy, a 7/10 wife, 25 years old, less than 4 guys, whites only.

MAYBE THAT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ACCEPT THE OCCAM EXPLANATION / RUN AWAY / SLVTDAR

feb 23

had a dream last night with HER in it, but thankfully i dont remember much. i think we were both being passive aggressive to each other: nice on the surface, but not so nice not so far beneath the surface. i think i was trying to get her to hang out and was disappointed she kept avoiding it, and so i was a little upset about that. sound familiar hahahaha.  anyway thank GOD the dream was not too intense. not gonna ruin my day. it was short and i remember very little about it.

are women on christian mingle dotcom less slutty and disgusting than women on okcupid or tinder? it seems tinder skews young which is good…..but young also skews slutty which is bad. problem is, those older women arent any better. they were young sluts once, and you cant undo all those cox they took. now they just might be more slow to the secs because they are looking for a REAL MAN to support their bastard kids from a badboy. they are now old and mature enough to make YOU pay for the casual sex of their Slut Past. NOPE.

of course i hate casual sex, but i also dont like it when women give it away to everybody (but me hahaha) when they are young, then try to pretend they are a Decent Marriageable Woman when they get older. near 30.

its not like praying the gay away hahahaha. you just cant pray the slut past away hahahaha.

this is why i prefer women who were NEVER sluts EVER.  devalue yourself even once, devalue yourself forever. NOT EVEN ONCE.

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

why commit to a 30 year old with kids who are not yours, when she was giving up dat ass to everyone when she was 20 and looked a lot better? even created New Human Life with some of them?  you kinda HAVE to have children with her to kind of balance the scales……but would you really WANT to? NO! every man wants his children to be born by a woman where her first child is HIS!!!!! you WANT to be the father of a womans FIRST child!!!! pop her child bearing cherry hahahaha. hehehe that sounds degenerate, but its really a beautiful and sacred thing.

POST SHRINK WRAP UP

hehehe been seeing the shrink every 3 weeks. had a decent session today where i went right for what i really wanted to talk about: that person and how can i get over her. dealing with this pain. getting over her. moving on. basically became a talking version of this blog hahahaha.

i told the shrink (LMSW 36 year old woman, not some fancy rich j00ish phd or god forbid md psychiatrist, so “shrink” sends the wrong message. this is a place where REAL Working Class people go, or also court ordered people. real people with real problems, and i would wager some of them get Real Help! I am very satisfied with the quality of muh “therapist” which I believe is what they call themselves. therapist or counselor. social worker hahahaha. clinical social worker.)

my concern that i wanted a dr phil court of relationship law authority to weigh the evidence and say that i didnt do anything WRONG, that i had not done a horrible crime. the shrink played the dr phil role and repeated that i had done nothing wrong. i am a gentle kind person who does not do monstrous things. i didnt do anything bad or horrible and i certainly didnt deserve this.

and rather than take the interpretation that she HATES me and ACCUSES me of doing something WRONG, its really a more LIKELY explanation that she was just like a frightened animal. completely overwhelmed, oh crap i dont know what to do i dunno what to do i dunno what to do, so you run away! run away!!!!!! she didnt know how to deal with it, so she just decided NOT to deal with it AT ALL. just run away from it. doesnt mean she hates me. she probably DOESNT hate me. because we were friends and she appreciated that. but she had NO idea how to deal with the feelings that i was showing. she probably read those signals correctly and said NO. I CANT HANDLE THAT. THIS CANT BE. and decided to run away from it.

shrink said she seems kinda BASIC in that she’s a first level thinker, not gonna overthink stuff too much, and the simplest solution is probably the best here: she just was confused, overwhelmed, and scared, fight or flight kicked it, so she flew. fled. fleed. she prob doesnt HATE me and is not saying i did anything WRONG, although yeah you can see how i could take that interpretation of it. it is a valid interpretation of the event. but not the only one, and probably not the simplest one. and she was a pretty simple person. simple. basic. not the sharpest knife in the drawer. first level. not a deep thinker. not an overthinker. slightly dim and dull. the constant MJ did not help either.

saying that she thought this was a betrayal and hates me…well thats an extra step for a very simple mind. basically she just felt overwhelmed, confused, couldnt deal with it, didnt want to deal with it, and ran away, and is certainly not going to come back to deal with the fallout. just literally avoid it forever and forget about it.

she probably didnt realize how STRONG my feelings were and when it dawned on her exactly how strong they were, she got scared and confused and overwhelmed. it wasnt just some little crush. and yeah i understand how that could be a scary thing, to have someone LOVE you when you dont LOVE them back.

what do you do when you are scared and confused? RUN AWAY! it doesnt mean you hate the person or think they wronged you…..especially when you used to be good longterm friends. she probably DOES feel bad. she’s just too afraid to DEAL with it. she doesnt WANT to deal with it. she wont contact me, and she will block me when i try to contact her. she literally just cant even.

of COURSHE that sucks even more for me, that its like insult on top of injury. that i am hurt MORE by her being a Frightened Animal than by here simply saying sorry i dont feel the same way, sorry.

really i just wanted my FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED. rather than blocked. no one INTENDS to harm the one they are dumping…..but dumpings are INHERENTLY painful, so the COURTEOUS thing to do is say, i KNOW this hurts you, and IM SORRY. even if you didnt technically do anything wrong. just be sorry for their pain. show some compassion in the face of their pain. that you are unintentionally causing. acknowledge their feelings as real.

anyway i said i wouldnt be doing any detective work anymore to find any more of her dating profiles.

its not like i did this obsessively, i did it ONCE. well….

i DID try to get on tinder with the intention of finding her. when technical issues stopped me from getting on tinder, i then tried okcupid. found her so fast its not even funny. looked at the profile ONCE. then soon after deactivated my okcupid so i wouldnt look at her profile ever again.

i do not obsessively, constantly look at profiles in other words. i stopped doing that shit when i was 25 or so hahahaha. i mean post rejection. pre rejection, i looked at the fb profiles all the time.

i expressed my displeasure with the Moral Relativism Slippery Slope that nobodys responsible for anything because everythings a matter of perception. NO. some things are literally wrong and are not merely just in your head.

so she did something wrong, but there was probably not malice behind it. she was just a simple creature. i kind of like that in women, because it makes you kinda a protector or patriarch; AND it ensures they wont be concocting elaborate schemes to screw you and hurt you. and will have less complicated hamster rationalizations.

but it also means they sometimes obtusely miss the obvious. or they get scared by complicated things like friends getting feelings and dont know how to deal with it.

just make this problem go away. i cant deal with it.

yeah its kinda shitty of me to do but i just cant deal with it. i just cant talk to him at all. so its shitty of me. so be it, i cant talk to him. yeahs its shitty of me, yeah im sorry to hurt him, but i just CANT talk to him. period. no hate or malice. just total paralysis and fear and running away and avoidance. period.

and there is plenty of explanation why she Is That Way: tough childhood, father abandoned her, that explains everything always. shit yeah its SAD.

but yeah just because she might not HATE me, doesnt mean she secretly wants to talk to me again, she just needs to be Pushed or Approached by me. see how good pushing worked in the past. what i needed to do was say THIS ENDS NOW, enough of this, i want to hang out soon or i will not be happy, you make some TIME for me baby. i want to hang out with you, why dont you want to hang out with me? why are you AVOIDING me INDEFINITELY?

also i looked at a message she sent me in april i think, and she said, and i quote, “OF COURSE WE’LL HANG OUT SOON”. now THAT is the DEFINITION of a MIXED MESSAGE.

to say we’ll hang out soon, and then continue avoiding me for months. MIXED MESSAGE. what was i SUPPOSED to think???? and of course i wanted to hang out. that was my ideal hahahaha. and i had an idealized vision of her, because thats what LUV DOES. you IDEALIZE the other person. put them on a little bit of a PEDESTAL. which is what Kabob Rapist PUA Manospheres dont seem to understand.

i do blame women because women are the gatekeepers of sex, they CONTROL THE SUPPLY. so there would not be these sleazy pickup artists, if there were no sleazy women giving it up to them. the women could just say no. JUST SAY NO TO CASUAL SEX. and i would wager only a very SMALL minoirty of those pickup sleazebags are ACTUAL rapists, in other words, if a woman refuses, the PUA will say ok fine baby, i’ll just go bang some other skank then. he’s not gonna hold the woman down and raep her. they may be degenerate, but theyre not THAT evil.

so yeah just say no to sodomy, ie degenerate sex, casual sex, and then the pua’s will disappear because there wont be any SLUTS to have casual sex with them!!!!

this doesnt absolve pua’s of all responsibility though. they should just say no to sluts. kinda hard for guys to turn down secs though. but still. to make a lifestyle and a whole movement about banging sluts your WHOLE LIFE LONG, thats fooking degenerate. maybe bang a FEW sluts at most, but you should be married to a nice gurl by the time you are 25 and she is 18 hahahaha and then immediately start having children.

as they say on the daily show episode 72

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/02/17/the-daily-shoah-72-peanut-butter-gasmask-sandwiches/

dont Go Your Own Way, rather, Get Your Own Wife!!!!!

basically, being a PUA is like being a r-selected negro. MUH DICKIN your whole life, banging anything that moves, pump and dump, abandoning your children, being a deadbeat, only thinking about MUH DICK. we are BETTER than that.

of course this doesnt mean Man Up And Marry Those Sluts. NEVER Marry a Slut, or even an Ex Slut.

well, unless she is ASHAMED and REPENTANT of her slut days, wasnt TOO big of a slut back then, and could write you a 10,000 word essay right now on Why Slutting Is Bad and Shameful, and you could read it over and say yep she understands. ie not “being a slut is wrong because it makes jesus cry.” NO. of course it DOES, but thats not why its wrong. its wrong because it degrades the sacred purpose of sex and the sacred RESPONSIBILITY of women as life creators.

THINK LESS WITH YOUR CLITORIS AND MORE WITH YOUR UTERUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ThinkWithYourUterusNotYourClitoris

#TWYUNYC

being a slut is the equivalent of being a MUH DICK PUA. muh clitoris. muh tingles. muh recreational casual no strings attached secs. NO. there SHOULD be strings attached. ALWAYS. strings are GOOD AND NATURAL AND RIGHT AND JUST.

cuz i admit, its HARD to find a woman who hasnt had a Slut Phase when she was Young and Stupid. I did stupid shit when i was young, lots of it, and i regret it now, and i’ve ALREADY written MANY 10,000 word essays on WHY its wrong and shameful to be a damn degenerate hedonist smoking MJ and drinking alcohol all the time, and being a damn coward not grabbing life by the horns, taking the path of least resistance. fook yeah i was a degenerate too, so i have NO RIGHT to turn down sluts.

SLUTS ARE THE BEST I CAN GET hehehehe.

yeah well i still dont like em. i dont care if i dont have the right to not like them hahahaha i will dislike them anyway.

but yeah she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. part of that came from the MJ but i think part of it was natural too. especially when it came to THinking and Talking about Relationships. i was 9000000000000000 times more articulate and Intelligent than her in this area.

the better interpretation is that she jsut got SCARED, CONFUSED, and OVERWHELMED, said I cant deal with this, and just ran away.

NOT she HATES me for BETRAYING her. that is a bridge too far and she might not have been Sophisticated enough to come up with such a sophisticated error in logic.

well women arent logical of course but…..i mean the second situation is just more complicated and we should really go with occams razor just because why not. it would do ME a hell of a lot better to do occams razor, PLUS there is at LEAST a 50% chance the occam option is the correct one, so why not choose it????!!??!?!?!

lars ulrich is 25% jewish today i learned hahahaha from hearsay on his wikipedia hahahaha that one grandmother was jewish hahahahaha. yes it seems to check out. his full white grandfather married a jewish woman and lars father is thus half jewish hahahaha.

well, what if That Woman was not a Full Jew? if she were only a half jew, then lars would only be 12.5% jewish. and that’s not so bad is it?

its twice as good as being 25% hahahahaha.

for ME, 6.25% would be the MAXIMUM i would tolerate for mothers of muh children. the absolute maximum.

hehehe how many blacks would i tolerate the mother of my white children to have fooked in her colaburning past?

uh well at least one apparently HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i cant even see myself supporting two. one is real iffy, two is just over the line.

also, its REALLY RARE that a woman is just with ONE black guy. AND they havent been with a lot of guys total. 99% of the time, if they been with one black guy, they’ve been with a LOT of guys, period, too many, and PROBABLY more than ONE black guy in there.

so i was facing a REALLY RARE UNIQUE situation in my own life. do i accept a woman who had been with one and only one black guy, and not a lot of guys total? i mean this sounds like a total UNICORN!

but that was the reality. well, NOW, she is probably going to BECOME a slut, add a LOT of guys to her once-small number, and PROBABLY add some more black guys to that too. damn. its SAD to see a nonslut BECOME a slut. and at an older age too. its SAD. usually a slut is a slut by the time they are 21. they dont START BEING a slut well AFTER 21. but thats the risk she is facing.

i guess i WANT her to become a slut because then it proves that i will have dodged a bullet. but what if she continues being a Prudent, Low Number, Non Casual Sex Liking woman? Virtuous and Moral? well good for her and her future husband hahahaha. bad for me hahahahaha.

yeah its just jeeeeeez. wish she coulda been more mature. just wrote a damn email, a text, had someone ELSE send a message on her behalf, done ANYTHING.

but its better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her “throwing me away like a piece of garbage.”

but fook i sure feel like i was TALAPOG.

well, MUCH better to think of it as her RUNNING AWAY than her Punishing Me for Committing a Crime against her, or her Actively Hating me for a wrong reason, and doing this to me because of that hate.

she was just scared and completely overwhlemed.

oh well thats my FAULT though. i made her get completely overwhelmed.

yeah well my feelings werent gonna change. and she could have hung out wiht me rather than AVOIDED hanging out for 10 months, WHILE saying things like “yes we will hang out soon!”

0224

yeah so i think that was a real productive meeting with the shrink.

but it introduced a new bad idea: if i buy into the Healthier Occam explanation of she doesnt HATE me, she’s not MISUNDERSTANDING me as “betraying her”, and that in reality she was just scared and overwhlemed and didnt want to deal with it and Ran Away………THEN that might make her more likely to respond to me contacting her, than if she hated me. if she doesnt hate me, then i have a better chance at getting her to apologize to me.

and if she doesnt HATE me, perhaps I could Convince her to hang out with me again, we got along so well, lets restart our friendship, we are good people who are good for each other.

and then if i hung out with her, i would ABSOLUTELY try to make a Move on her; i would fall in love with her IMMEDIATELY, the love feelings would CERTAINLY come rushing back the moment she responded to me, and i would be scheming and pushing her to hang out and i would be ALL OVER HER trying to date her.

and that has NEVER worked out well. i have “Rekindled” things with woman2004 and 2005, and it sucked with both of them. i should have never went barking up those trees. it took courage yes, but it also did no good for me. i just got my hopes up AGAIN, and they disappointed me AGAIN, and i hated them more.

also, yes i would like an apology, but would it really be WORTH IT to reach out to her and ask for it? given all those others, given that my ultimate goal would be to Get With Her, no it wouldnt. PLUS what i really want is an unforced, unprompted apology. i want her to apologize of her own free will, not because i ask her to apologise. also, the ball has been in her court since……always really. since she started AVOIDING me in fooking fall 2014. so now im gonna send another ball to her court asking for an apology? fook no. the apology isnt WORTH IT if THATS what i have to do to get it.

PLUS: even if i COULD convince her to apologize, and convince her hang out….you think she would be all excited and happy and lovey dovey at that hangout? i would be trying to touch her and make out with her and she would probably be like ew no. im fooking 3 guys from tinder right now and you are just too weird. dont you remember when i said i wasnt into you.

and I would look pushy, because it WOULD be kinda pushy, and she would REALLY see me as the bad guy, AND she wouldnt understand or care about my pain abotu being thrown away. she would say UGH im GLAD i threw you away because you are a pushy annoying little faggot bitch, trying to scheme your way into muh pants. gtfo weirdo creeper, our friendship has been over for a long time. without taking any responsibility for the terrible ending of that friendship.

heh. this is the bad thing about being pushy. i dont think its the biggest crime in the world but women HATE it and its enough to convince them you’re the bad guy and they did NOTHING wrong and are RIGHT to treat you like shit. i dont think being pushy is that bad! i agree its not awesome, its beeta and weak, but its not as BAD as these women make it out to be!

so the alternative to being pushy and needling and wheedling and trying to Chip Away at them…..is to be direct and say…..i still have feelings for you, do you wanna try Dating? and i would have to say that very early. cuz that is my intention. i dont WANT to rekindle a platonic friendship, i still want to DATE her.

and what do you think she would say? UGH. SIGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. I NEED SOME SPACE.

HINT: THIS MEANS NO.

and then i would try to give them space, she would continue avoiding the issue, i would get impatient finally and start being pushy, and the more i pushed, the more she would shut down and pull away. just like what happened before. except maybe with more communication.

and theres a good chance that she would not be capable of GOOD communication on this. it would always be UGH. stop pushing me. stop being annoying. i dont know. im not sure. i dont know. i dont know. this is not fun. the guys from tinder are FUN. they dont ask all these intense questions.

she would always have one foot out the door in other words. she would not be fully committed to me. she wouldnt even be able to say YES or NO. she would say I DONT KNOW but PROBABLY mean NO. And I would have the pain of seeing her, and seeing her reject me, and seeing her grow to hate me, seeing her fook Fun Diseased Degens from Tinder, while being bitchy and avoiding me. more than likely ending in a Second Dumping, and maybe even a Second Ghosting, and this time I could be SURE that she hated me, for being pushy and annoying, AND would care even LESS about hurting me, because i was really a Jerk, she didnt realize what a Jerk I was, but I am, and I deserve to be shut down harshly.

it would likely play out like that, and thus be even WORSE than when i rekindled with w04 and w05. with them i was able to guilt them into a few make-out sessions. which got my hopes way up. but they didnt really want to date me tho, and essentially ended up dumping me a second time, and boy did i hate them for that. but i really brought it all on myself.

it would be DIFFERENT if she contacted ME, she apologized to ME unprompted, she asked ME to hang out, and she showed a lot of concern about MY feelings, and sincere remorse for hurting me, AND said YES to the idea of Dating, rather than I DUNNO. If she came up to me out of the blue, and was super NICE, and smiling and warm; and i touched her and she smiled, and then we started making out, and there would be no UGH or SIGH or Stahp It. Just Stahp. but rather yes, i have been thinking about this, and i think yes there is a good chance here. then THAT would be different.

but imagine if i through my pushiness i guilted her in to making out with me, and then having secs with me, and after just a little making out and one secs session, i would be more in luv with her than ever before. and imagine if she were to dump me right after that. i would be just as devastated as i was before, maybe even more, after having penetrated her soft white body which would DEFINITELY cause my feelings to get even STRONGER.

basically, she would need to have as STRONG of feelings for me as i have for her…..and that is basically IMPOSSIBLE.

I wouldnt need just a YES, in other words, but a STRONG YES.

when more than likely i would get an uncommittal, avoidant IDUNNO.

IF i were able to convince and push her to hang out.

because its still 70% chance at least that she would just not respond ANYWAY. She would be VERY likely to say, OH GOD ITS HIM AGAIN, HES BACK!!!!!! and then switch RIGHT back into flight mode and avoid, ignore, and block me. because she cant deal with it. i cant even.

also, if we reconnected, we would HAVE to deal with the fallout of the past. deal with that baggage of how things ended in the first place. deal with the things that led up to that. not just ignore those things and attempt to start off on a clean slate. becuase its not a clean slate and can never be, with past shit like that. the past is the past, its done and gone, but here IMHO we would NEED to resolve it, because its fooking unresolved as fook.

i think with the previous women where i reconnected, we never really dealt with the past, just ignored it.

also, they had just lost interest in me the second time around. shit they lost interest the FIRST time around, thats why they dumped me: they were just not interested in a rel. they were all idunno until a few weeks/months with the likes of me, mr needy and clingy, got them to make up their mind, to a DEFINITE NO.

and with That Woman, we never made out, had secs, or pseudodated in the first place! there was no ambiguity of us Going Through the Motions of an Intimate Relationship, doing things Lovers Do, like Making Out and Secs and Romance.

which is the benefit of having Romance Early. but then they always want to have Secs too early too. sluts. romance early is good because you’re signalling to each other that you view each other with Potential, you find each other attractive, youre interested in possibly dating them, you possibly might like like them, or get feelings for them.

its different than Friends First where one person has feelings, and the other person doesnt. its less one sided in other words.

that doesnt mean Friends First would never work. I still really like the idea of Friends First. I think Friends First guarantees that your feelings are strong and real and longterm. however its more painful when you get rejected hehehehe.

so, ideally, you would be Friends First, then BOTH people gradually develop feelings after time. BOTH.

also, just wanted to mention that there was no tension when i first met her and she was with the first guy, because i WONT EVEN ALLOW myself to get feelings for a woman who is not available, who has a longterm boifran. I will put her OFF LIMITS in my mind RIGHT AWAY. thats essentially what i did with her. i was like, shes got a boifran, well then she is off limits. simple as that. she’s just off limits. im not gonna get TOO close with her, I’m gonna keep this very professional and platonic. and i had no problem doing that.

but once that BF was GONE, i started feeling differently. this was NO COINCIDENCE. now that she WAS single, I was able to ALLOW MYSELF to start thinking about her differently. and THEN the tension came in.

but point is, I dont think its BAD to “force yourself” to consider the person “off limits” while they are with someone else. it doesnt seem like forcing. i honestly didnt have tension with her then, and didnt think of her that way. i didnt write about it, i didnt THINK about it.

literally! notice that before I Got Feelings, I barely even WROTE about her, other than to say she was a very nice girl, a decent female friend, and its kinda WEIRD that i’m not in luv with her, but i respect the rel she has with her BF, and i honestly have no desire to interfere with that. and that was true!

it was only AFTER they were done, that shit started getting PROBLEMATIC hehehehe.

I am really good at stopping feelings from starting i guess. oh hey thats good if i ever want to start having degenerate casual sex, i can force myself not to ever get feelings hahahaha.

well no. i think when you make out, cuddle, and especially have SEX with someone, it triggers something primal in your brain, oxytocin probably, and it MAKES you have feelings for them, and you shouldnt try to extinguish that, or else you become a cold heart cok carousel rider with the 1000 cok stare. burn yourself out. not good.

yeah. its just sad. we got along SO GOOD (well) as Just Friends. We supported each other and liked and respected each other and made each other feel good and it was nice just Spanning Time together. A Real Good Connection. It was a platonic friendship but not like with a man, just because she was naturally gentler and warmer and more feminine than a man, i liked that, and all this really CAUSED me to get feelings for her. I thought it could have been smooth transition. we would essential keep our good, close, friendly, supportive rel, and “just” add loving secs, loving cuddles, making out to it. and spend more time together, doing all that stuff, and just become closer as a result. it seemed like a change in degree rather than in kind. like we would go from becoming good friends, to becoming great very very close intimate emotionally supportive friends, who cuddled and fooked and loved each other. it was a change but the change made sense, a sensible continuation down this path, our shared path hahahaha.

she was great as a Platonic Friend, and I think she would have been great as a Gurlfran, but fact is, she would have been TERRIBLE as a gurlfran, as shown by the way she acted. i honestly didnt expect. she was a decent good friend who showed compassion and support and sweetness, so i figured if she didnt want to take it to the next level, she would reject me with that same compassion and caring about my feelings. rather than turning into a completely different person. i didnt expect that.

but yeah. i remember the platonic days and how WELL we got along; and how MUCH that DIFFERED from the end. she couldnt handle it and became SO distant and SO different!!!!

very sad. sad sad sad. it was a good friendship that had inherent value. she was a big person in my life. i used to be a big person in her life too. it didnt always used to be so one sided. it wasnt all a fantasy in my head like it was with previous women.

i watched intervention and there was sonia and julia

which i had never seen the whole episode and had been wanting to. but it was very sad and moving. but i had some interesting reactions. like i thought the girls were really cute, well they needed to GAIN WEIGHT hahaha and stop being sickly skeletons. gain like 30 or 40 pounds i dunno. and they obviously needed to be separated. and it was obviously their parents loved them unlike some of the intervention parents who are very cold and hateful and unfeeling and unloving. however the parents can never understand, and they unintentionally enable, and really cant help the girls. plus i dont think they needed to give their “bottom lines”, where you basically say, if you dont go to rehab, i am disowning you and kicking you out on the street and giving you tuff luv. the one girl says, i dont want to hear the bottom line, and the mother says it anyway.

in some cases the bottom line may be good, but not here. are you seriously gonna throw these poor gurls out on the street? they would be eaten alive. they would be raped the shit out of, and die very quickly. and the parents loved the gurls enough that i dont think they WOULD kick them out on the streets. but they were terrible commuincators in english. i thought they should have done the intervention in their native polish language rather than making the parents speak their horrible english. (they should have spoken much better english after being in USA 20+ years.) (I also love Poles, they are some of the greatest people in the world ever, so naturally i wanted to marry one of these polish gurls.) I thought a better bottom line would be, have one sister stay with the older sister, and the other twin could stay with the parents.

Or, better yet, arrange a marriage with a decent young man! i honestly think that would be a viable solution here. they could certainly find a young, well-adjusted, loving, non abusive, gainfully employed, white polish young man/men for the gurls to marry! there are men LINING UP to WHITE KNIGHT for Severely Emotionally Disturbed Gurls!!!!!

and then i thought, how weird is this. I am saying i would wilfully marry a gurl who is BATSHIT insane, just because she is cute and young and comes from a traditional family and probably hasnt been with a lot of guys. They gave the impression of not being sluts. Because their Traditional Father would not allow it. and they had Secsual Innocence about them. you can feel it when a gurl hasnt been with Too Many Gurls. Slut Radar.

SLUT RADAR! SLUTDAR!!!!!!

they were batshit insane, but they were not sluts! and here i am lining up to marry a young gurl i dont know, who is batshit fooking insane, clearly, and would always have that baggage, and that wasnt ultimately a dealbreaker for me! its more important that they were young, cute, innocent, trad fam, polish! with those pros i could overlook a HELL of a lot, including insane Codependence and Deadly Anorexia!

I thought, well, I’ll take the one with PRoblem Hair cuz she is a little cuter, well hell I’m an old loser, I’ll take the LESS cute one i dont care, I will treat her well, not cheat on her, get some food in her, put some babies in her. having a baby would fix her right up! also i would treat her well, get her to a decent weight, because I like to eat, so i would get her to eat. I would find a way. I’d keep her apart from her twin sister when it was unhealthy. I would cuddle with her and make babies with her and make her nice and healthy and happy. just promise that she wont abandon me or screw me over or cheat on me and we will live happily ever after in a traditional family. i am even interested in learning polish language, i fooking LOVE poles, i come from polish stock myself and would LOVE to have polish babies with a polish gurl like your batshit crazy anorexic but not-slutty daughter sir.

i would take a super crazy anorexic NUTCASE, over a garden variety slut. over a gurl that has been with…..more than 5 guys.

because a slut is inherently crazy. being a slut makes you crazy and sociopathic and antisocial. average slut is crazier than a BATSHIT crazy nonslut! ie, sluts are MORE THAN BATSHIT crazy!!!!!

they seemed to be doing OK after their treatment, gaining some much needed weight, having Healthy Boundaries, and then it said that they went on to Graduate College and Move to Different Cities. of course that got my mind working. what did they major in. what JOBS did they get. how do batshit crazy people interview for Good Jobs and GET them. which essentially makes them more Emotionally and Life Mature than me, hahahahaha.

did they become huge SLUTS after they went back to college/ became successful independent adults? or did they stick with their traditional family values?

their older nontwin sister seemed ok and she got married at a nowadays young age to a decent looking goy. i dont think SHE slutted it up either. and said nope no carousel for me, i want to get MARRIED. this is the proper way for all women to be.

YOU ARE THE CREATORS OF LIFE, SO HAVE SOME D4MN RESPECT FOR IT

feb 22

not so dear person: it sucks when you treat somebody like they did something wrong. when other women dumped me they were very sweet and nice about it, went out of their way to try to spare my feelings. that helped a lot compared to this. youve made no effort to do that, in fact, it seems like you are deliberately trying to hurt me even MORE on top of the rejection: adding insult to injury. this may because you legitimately think i did ahorrible thing to you, that i wronged you, that i manipulated and lied and decieved and betrayed you, so you think you’re justified in showing me contempt and disrespect for that.

i agree cheaters and liars deserve contempt…..but i really really dont think thats what i did. believe me i am predisposed towards guilt and shame and self-blame, so i did blame myself a lot, when you blamed me. i figured you couldnt be wrong. you felt betrayed, so that was all the evidence that was needed. but as time passed, i began to realize, maybe this was all just a horrible misunderstanding, and that you drew the wrong conclusions from what you thought i was doing. i dont feel i betrayed you at ALL. actually i felt that pretty quickly and addressed in in email3 and email4. also i dont know the specifics of what youre feeling because you wont tell me. are you angry? hateful? confused? sad? i mean i KNOW youre upset but that could mean a lot of things. basically do you hate me or not. it SEEMS like it, but im not sure. and i strongly dispute that what i did was something that makes me hateable. i dont think you should be blaming and hating and shaming me for it! i want you to just try to be nice to me! tell me why you want to be mean to me rather than nice. do you think i MANIPULATED you? i would LOVE to go to dr phil and work with him so his team of professionals could explain better than i can why this is such a misunderstanding, and help us communicate with each other better to help resolve it. but im a bti angry because i feel it boils down to the WILLINGNESS to communicate. i am MORE than willing, ive been BEGGING you to communicate, and writing you long emails. in response, you have blocked me and ignored me and said not a single word: showing no willingness whatsoever to listen or to talk. i cant make you want to communicate but it really really hurts me that you dont want to communicate with me at all, since it has the potential to relieve a LOT of my pain, and to make this a good breakup rather than a bad, horrible breakup. why would anyone choose a bad breakup when they have the power to make it a good breakup? breakups are naturally painful as it is, why not try to minimize the pain? right now i feel you are MAXIMIZING the pain. I cant do anything about that. only you can. by communicating with me. write me an email please. the longer the better. tell me what you think about all this, the way i have been doing. go into great detail. but try not to directly hurt me. i dont want to directly hurt you. i dont hate you. it seems you hate me and that hurts me so much.

this doesnt have to end badly. it can end well. why would anyone want something to end badly, where you look back in the years and say that ended badly? when it could have ended much much better? i dont have the power to do anything more. ive literally done everything i can. its all up to you now. i need you to communicate with me and work with me a little here. i cant turn this negative into a positive without your help. so please be willing to give that help. i believe its in your interest to want to end this well, just because of how you will remember it in the long term. it doesnt have to be this bad. is this how you would want someone to end a relationship with you?

its really hard for me to put myself in your position because ive never hated someone like this, ive never ended a relationship like this before, i would never want to. please make an effort to do the right thing. please try to ease some of my pain. please show me some compassion and respect. i dont understand how i dont deserve ANY compassion or respect. i believe i do deserve it. im more than willing to meet with a relationship therapist professional. i already have a therapist i talk to once a month. could you please come with me and we could talk to them together.

im not a bad guy and i hate it when you treat me like i am a horrible person. its so hard on me to end such a good relationship in such a horrible way. and yes a 2.7 year friendship is a relationship, even if i started wanting a different kind of relationship at the end.

Talk to your family. let me talk to your family. tell me your side of the story, and let me tell you my side of the story. this isnt a case of a person blatantly cheating and then saying “its not what it looks like! i swear!”, or someone blatantly abusing someone and then saying “this isnt abuse! this is love! you made me do this! im not doing anything wrong! its all in your head!”.  i was cowardly and fearful but i dont think thats nearly on the same level as abuse, or cheating, or even manipulation. hasn’t your anger towards me cooled off even just a little bit? how can you end a 2.7 year relationship by essentially just blocking the other person like a facebook block? i honestly think i deserve better than that, and that both people in a relationship have some responsibilities towards each other. yes i was cowardly on upholding some of my responsibilities in talking to you sooner, but i just think that WAY OUT OF PROPORTION to throwing someone away like this. the punishment does not fit the crime. its like being sentenced to a life in prison without parole for a speeding ticket. please dont do this. please think of my feelings. it blows my mind that you once cared about me and my feelings and now i am not feeling even 1% of that sense of caring. show me more respect and compassion. just talk to me already. this is no way to end an important relationship.

when you want to get out of a rel, its COMMON COURTESY to let the other person give their opinion. there are consequences to your actions and a big one is that that person will feel a lot of pain. its courteous to acknowledge their pain and try to ease it and to reassure them they are a good person, that they didnt do anything WRONG. because they are ALREADY gonna be blaming themselves. try to ease that for them. show one final act of compassion to this person who opened their heart to you, became vulnerable for you, who YOU were an important part of their life. respect the pain that they will feel. dont add insult to injury by treating them like they deserved it! unless they really deserved it by treating you like a piece of garbage.

i dont deserve being treated like a piece of garbage, because i never treated you like a piece of garbage!!!!

/end

heh. had another dream with woman2012 last night. 2 nights in a row now! in this dream she seemed a little more normal. sluttier hahahaha. she talked about going to parties and drinking, which she never did in real life. i dont normally like these qualities in women, cuz it usually means they are a slut. going to parties, getting drunk, having lots of casual sex with guys they meet at these parties. no thank you.  but in the dream, she was being super nice and coy and girly to me, smiling at me, staring at me, and invited me directly to hang out with her. THIS, i liked! its ok if theyre a slut if they are showing interest in ME! so she invited me to go to a party with her on saturday and i was like hell yeah and felt really happy and alpha and then the dream ended.

never mind that she COULD invite me to the party but immediately lose all interest and just get drunk and fook other guys. but the INTERESTED, flirty way she invited me, implied to me she would probably not do that.

so yeah i basically did a fist pump and said YUSSSS!!!!! like i had just SCORED. feels good man. dont get that feel every 2 years hahahaha.

but yeah girls who go to parties and drink regularly and hang out wiht a lot of guys are BAD NEWS and i have stayed away from girls like that ever since i was 26 hahahaha.

woman2015 was borderline white trash but she did not party and drink. good for her i said. she was also not a slut. she spent a lot of time with her family. a family oriented homebody. the pros of her being a good hearted person outweighed the cons of her being white trash, fatherless, and having Coal Burned. and another thing too i wont mention here because i still have some decency hahahaha.

but we were two different people and i thought we had very similar personalities and values and “Worldviews”; but at the end of the day, shed had a very different life than ive had. very very different. i had a stable family which i thank GOD for.

but yeah really the lives of the vast majority of women are VASTLY different to mine: they have had lots of secs partners, they have had long term relationships, they treat human life like garbage, they throw people away, they abort their children, they play with secs like it cant create human life, and when it does, they just throw that life away. theyve had short term flings and very long term rels. most women have had long term monog rels that last like 2 or 3 years or more before they finally get bored and dump him. ive never experienced that kind of long term intimacy, and if i did, i sure wouldnt THROW IT AWAY like that!

women are the WORST thrower awayers! its HORRIBLE! have some RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE!

you are the CREATORS of human life, so have some damn RESPECT for it! and not perpetuate a CULTURE OF DEATH!!!!!!!!! fooking EVIL.

yeah thats what bothers me. that women are evil because of the fookin cavalier way they treat human LIVES: the people they throw away, the way they play around with the life creation process so cavalierly. even women that seem to have decent morals, miss this very basic fundamental moral principle, that it really endangers their entire morality, threatens to make them not moral, not decent people, if you can be so wrong on such a big thing.

i hate the imposter syndrome, where you feel you dont know how to do your job. where its your job to fix something, and you think i dont know how to fix this, cuz you dont! and the people who DO know how to fix it dont want to help you, they say figure it out, or find some way to get rid of the person without fixing it, im too busy to help you, stop wasting our time or youre fired for wasting resources and being inefficient. yeah well its our JOB to fix shit, not give people a n199erish RUNAROUND, so you do YOUR job and help me FIX this, because fixing shit is the entire purpose of our department………..isnt it???!?!?!?!

but in fact its really to give the IMPRESSION of fixing shit, because ACTUALLY fixing shit costs too much money.

that said, we did actually fix some shit, which made the illusion/impression all that more powerful and harmful. mixing lies with the truth so you dont know whats what any more. total confusion and chaos. its stressful and it eats away at you day after day. makes you want to blaze it like a n19ra at the end of every day.

cuz i am too honest. i want to fix problems when that is the OBVIOUS mission of our department. not pay lip service, not give bullshit excuses, and give a runaround, especially when i dont even KNOW what kind of bullshit excuses to give them, and i have to say, id like to help you, but i dont know how, and i cant get any help on this, and ive got to get you off the phone as soon as possible, whether i fix your problem or not.

its like taking a test all day where you arent given the chance to study or prepare, and you dont even know where to look, because many “solutions” do not even officially EXIST. you have a really shitty and incomplete “textbook” that is supplemented with many other things which you dont even know what or where they are.

ideally you would have TWO agents taking every call, a junior and a senior person, where the junior could then learn from the senior. but then you’d be spending TWICE as much money, and also, you dont have ENOUGH seniors who actually know what theyre doing! you have a department where not enough people know what they are doing because EVERYONE wants to get out of there ASAP! the people who do know shit LEAVE for better jobs…..and some just go CRAZY and QUIT, like I did. and i was starting to get over the learning curve. i survived long months of imposter syndrome and feeling totally incompetent and lost. i fought that battle and was starting to WIN! and then i just totally choked and cracked and broke down. that sucks.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/27/4361/

you can see as of late oct 2014 i was sending signals via text AND i fully expected to hang out VERY soon, like yep we WILL hang out this weekend and I Will Rip the Bandaid off and get it over with. funny. at this point the excuses started from her and little did i know we would never hang out again. damn.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/

see that whole month of posts

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2015/01/

in november the Distance started. i said i would give her some time and space. little did i know that meant FOREVER. i said “the ball is SO in her court its not even funny.” as of november. then shit got worse and worse until JULY. but as of november i still had SOME confidence and swagger and a cool head and i was not DEVASTATED. it hadnt EATEN AWAY at me as of yet.

i MIGHT be able to hang out with you this weekend, i’ll text you if i can. and then they never text you. typical female bullshit. this is why you NEED to agree on an appointment basically. and then they complain and say thats weird and awkward, how about i just text you if i want to hang out. and then they never do. in that one smooth move theyve hijacked the whole thing, said fook your rules, were playing by my rules now.

of course at this time she was having a Bad Ending wiht the Short Term guy she was dating. but she had strong feelings for him and was probably willing to do a Long Term thing with him if HE hadnt screwed it up. but it shows her getting Good Feelings……for the WORST type of guys. her chooser is broken.

she told me ABOUT that guy only once things were done, and i said yeah i had an idea but i was too afraid to talk to you about it, and she said she was heartbroken, and we never really talked about him again. definitely should have. that was a topic i wanted to talk about on a Hangout, and not text or email. cuz i was still aiming to hang out wiht her over the holidays.

hey im not denying that i did anything wrong. i was a coward and didnt speak up soon enough and let things flail on pathetically for months. even though at the beginning i had the best of intentions to NOT do that and just get things over with. that didnt happen. but me being cowardly and afraid i dont think is such a huge CRIME as to be Punished in this way and essentially have her Bitterly Blame Me for the end of the rel. if anything, i should be blaming HER bitterly hahahaha.

if you’re choosing to end a rel, why the FOOK cant you do it in a good way?

because you have no father and you choose the wrong guys and trust the wrong guys and dont trust the right guys and no surprise you dont know how to end a rel well.

she lives in the past alot thinking about past tragedies and dead people. this is certainly a tragedy she should feel bad about. but im still ALIVE, and SHE has SOLE power to do soemthing about it! i cant do anything about it!!!!!

i have lost 9 pounds in the past 30 days. not bad uh. might even be TOO much!

it takes like 12 hours of pure exercise to lose 1 pound. 1 fecking pound. and most people do not have 12 hours to spare to exercise. that would take 2 or 3 weeks at least to exercise 12 hours when you are working 50 hours a week.

so you lose 1 pound every 3 weeks. no surprise people dont lose weight and are huge fatasses. the much more effective weight loss thing is to just not eat as much. keep working 50 hours a week but just dont eat as much. if you have a stressful job it helps, because the stress and worry will kill your appetite. when i was at my job, i lost 10 pounds in 30 days because i was too stressed out to eat.

when i am not super stressed, i have a huge appetite. MORE than healthy appetite. like i am hungry all the time now, but i disclipine myself to reach muh weight loss goals.

i think i still think that ONE DAY, perhaps YEARS from now, we will meet again and i will have a second chance and everything will work out. i still cant convince myself that its REALLY over and i will NEVER be with her. after 189 days since last contacting her. DAMN. well its good that ive gone that long without contacting her! and she certainly hasnt contacted me!

but yeah i dont LIKE being essentially ACCUSED of doing something WRONG. i am a very moral person and would never intentionally do something bad to someone else.

oh she wasnt ACCUSING me, she was just too scared for a confrontation.

this is the problem with being confrontation avoidant: THE OTHER PERSON NEVER KNOWS YOUR INTENTIONS!!!!!! and it can EASILY be (mis??)interpreted as Hate and Accusation.

went to gym 2 days in row, only got 760 calories today hahahaha.

like i said, exercising to burn calories SUCKS. its MUCH more efficient to “just” WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. count fooking calories.  all food is FULL of fooktons of calories. and you dont need NEARLY as many calories as you think. meaning you eat too damn much and you have to make a LIFESTYLE CHANGE to not EAT NEARLY as much. it DOES kinda suck.

if you want NOTICEABLE weight loss, like over 10 pounds, and i was essentially going for about 27 damn pounds, holy shit, exercise alone is NOT ENOUGH. i could never exercise enough to burn the calories from all the food i luv to eat. considering your body needs only a lousy 1700 calories a day, any more gets turned to extra weight. you wont BELIEVE how much youve been OVEREATING until you calculate what you actually need, and then calculate what youre actually fooking eating.

you cant just go and have 4 slices of pizza as an after dinner snack, washed down with 2 or 3 sodas.

you cant have 2 big meals a day. you might not be able to have ONE big meal a day hahahaha. i could EASILY eat 1700 calories in one meal. like going to thai restaurant and eating a whole order of pad thai noodles hahahaha.

or going to chinese restaurant and eating the whole egg roll and the whole sesame chicken and rice.

or going and eating like 12 chicken wangs. thats like 1200 calories right there negro.

i want more training for my job but the people at my job dont want to train me moar! is there anything on the internet or books i can buy to help me with my job where my higher ups dont want to train me better or help me?

yeah it just sucks when you cant even explain something, because you dont understand it yourself. it was so frustrating and i got so anxious and worried and eventually tried to understand everything. but there was so much and it was so complex; and new stuff kept being added; and stuff was spread out and you couldnt even find it; so many unknown unknowns. i could not handle that all day.

well for a while i DID. then as my confidence regarding HER started decreasing, so did my confidence about the job. it was STUPID.

i just cant go back to a damn CALL CENTER where its you JOB to answer ringing phones all day, with confusing problems you have to fix on every call. its not just do this for me please. its what the fook is going on here? and you dont damn know! and the “subject matter experts” you work “in parallel with” are actually just giving you the most half assed “advice” in a chat room and making you BEG to escalate shit you cant figure out. retarded.

so yeah i hated the anxiety, hated the ringing phones, hated all the uncertainty, that you never knew what you were gonna get next, hating not knowing what i was doing, feeling like an incompetent imposter, and that ths was the punishment i had to suffer to make 15DAH. and SHE got me into this hell. and NOW she is turning away from me, leaving me, when i needed her.

was i TOO needy? yes and no. the fact that i was in one sided luv with her meant that i would always need her more than she needed me. but over time she got worse and worse at giving even a little.

CALL CENTER. yikes. i have like ptsd over that hahahaha. going into the call center and seeing the little cubicles and people on their headsets, all the people on calls, getting weird stupid shit themselves. and you would walk in and your stomach gurgling from coffee and fear about when you had to put on your headset and log into ready mode and start taking calls and what the fook would it be.

and then over there there was the chat people who never answered phones and i was jealous because they never had to answer phones; but they were glued to their screens as they had to help 3 or more people at the same time. so that was a huge tradeoff and the one thing that kept me from begging to be moved from phones to chats. because im terrible at multitasking and didnt want to deal with more than one issue/customer at a time!!!!!!!!

let me find an answer for you, i’ll have to put you on hold for 5 minutes….

5 minutes later…..

well heres what they said, does that make any sense to you? no? ok let me get some more clarification here, i’ll have put you on hold for 5 minutes….

6 minutes later….

well heres what they said about that, that it just couldnt be done. yes i completely agree that is no good. not good at all, but it is what it is. yeah this SHOULD be fixed in a future update. no ETA. probably not next update. in fact it might not be till next year. i’m not privy to their documents but this seems like something that would be low priority for them hahahaha. no you cant talk to the person i was talking it, and maybe he will understand it better if you talk directly to him. well maybe thats true, cuz you seem to understand the issue better than I do! but you sure as hell cant talk to him. he’s just one guy in a chat room and has 20 people like me asking him questions at the same time. is there ANYBODY you can talk to? no…..no not really. there is literally no one you can talk to, other than another level 1 who probably knows even less than i do. that is serious the way this company operates. how do they get away with it? well because most people arent persistent assholes like you hahahaha and they just accept the futility of it all, accept that some things just arent gonna get fixed. ok i have to get you off the phone because its been over 20 minutes and my Quality Team is bugging me about the call length.

the whole environment in the technical support call center is just ridiculous……and i believe we had a pretty GOOD one! as in, above average! i was LUCKY!!!!!! anyway i dont know how anyone, can do this for a living. those damn indians have nerves of steel. you need nerves of steel.

heh. what about emergency dispatchers? i couldnt do that either. yeah gimme 5 minutes im gonna argue with the senior dispatcher to see if i can convince them to send out an ambulance. now just continue to give him 400 chest compressions……

they would rather have us spend 2 hours on a phone call than send out an actual physical tech person to the location…..because it was cheaper to spend 2 hours on the phone than to send out a physical person. even though the service level agreement SLA time target was 20 minutes.

also im angry that SHE could handle the job, and i couldnt.

i STILL get RUSTLED just THINKING about the job. 7 months later. it is kinda like low grade ptsd hahahaha. i would never want to go back to a similar job. the ringing phones. the constant bombardment of confusing problem after confusing problem. the not knowing anything and feeling like an incompetent idiot, which does not make the callers happy. that you cant get good help, and getting shitty help is like pulling teeth. because its a culture where getting help is frowned upon, because helping wastes time and resources and is not efficient!!!!! and efficiency is valued over actually fixing stuff. so then they just call BACK angrier that they got the runaround the first time. welp i cant find the record of that because its very complicated trying to find previous cases, im not that good at that yet, so i cant really PROVE to my higher up that this is in fact a recurring problem. your word is not good enough. at least half of callers lie hahahaha. not you of course.

MAXIMUM RUSTLAGE.

i handled it alot better when i got along with HER.

well, i still freaked out though. i was able to someone just barely hold it together though, when i got along with her. when i stopped getting along with her……i stopped being able to just barely hold it together. and then spilled my proverbial guts out of my eviscerated stomach hahahaha. the guts came bursting loose.

but im mad that she can be completely emotionally immature, even more than me…..but she can also be more emotionally STABLE than me; to not be driven crazy or devastated; to keep doing that super stressful job, whereas i couldnt handle it and had to quit like a neet bitch phaggot virgin. real men dont quit. respectable white men dont quit. hysterical neurotic girly neetbois QUIT. anxious autist virgin r9k neets quit. failures at life. grown men trying to turn their lives around dont quit. and i fookin QUIT. i did it.

i quit the job just like she quit me;

and if she fooked up the job like she fooked up her rel with me, she would have been FIRED faster than she “fired” me. hahahaha i like this analogy yes i mentioned it last time.

i will never understand people who eat BUGS. i dont care if you COOK them and season them. you are still eating fooking beetles and worms and crickets and scorpions and shit, ZIMMERN hahahahahaha.

i have a theory that whites ate less BUGS in their history than nonwhites hahahaha. white people dont eat BUGS. they will eat ROOTS before they eat bugs. eat vegetables and nuts and fruits and grains and once in a while, you capture a squirrel or rabbit and your family has a feast of meat. but no fooking maggot looking mealworms or crunchy beetles with their disgusting insect legs poking out of your mouth. fook you. i never ate an insect and i never plan to.

but women are even more degenerate when they are sluts.

its really the disregard for human life, and the ignorance of their own bodies, which rustles me the most.

they dont realize how hard men have to WORK to get secs, because women can get sex on demand.

I don’t mind that, because that only makes SENSE. but it makes no sense to the women themselves! they dont understand WHY that is! because you can get PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

so THATS why you should be a LOT more careful about secs. i dont care that contraceptives exist. i dont care. it doesnt matter. the contraceptives are degenerate and j00ish because they have brainwashed women into separating the REPRODUCTIVE from the RECREATIONAL aspects of secs.

NORMALLY, in NATURE, secs is Procreational First, and Recreational a VERY distant second….even if it may be a lot of FUN. but adding contraception to that muddies the waters so much. it separates those two functions in a way they were never meant to be separated, and its had horrible effects on womens minds, and thei degenerate sex practices. becoming huge sluts having tons of casual recreational secs, just because now secs doesnt mean pregnant.

IT DOESNT MATTER. its what the act is capable of doing, not how YOURE capable of artificially preventing the act from taking its natural purpose.

 

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILTIES

feb 1

wow. i really gotta get out this rut. this is no way to live. this is not healthy! i would not recommend this. time to get a new shitty job, go crazy, and quit in a Huff, mving myself even further down the career ladder. i dont move up the ladder with time, i move down it hahahaha.

i grew up having a very negative opinion of women. in short, they were mostly bitchy, dumb, slutty, disgusting, stupid, mean, obnoxious, annoying, awful, scheming, hypocritical, immoral, sneaky, lying, cheating, evil. you couldnt possibly like or respect these pigs. they literally had no redeeming qualities except for the secs they sluttily gave away to every man except YOU hahaha.

probably because most of my friends had bad experiences with women and werent big fans of them either! and that rubbed off on me.

also women seemed intimidating because i didnt know how to talk to them, how to deal with them, and i didnt like how they all had secs with guys so QUICKLY. that seemed like a big deal to me, and i thought shit if youre the one who can get pregnant here, you prob wouldnt have a problem with waiting amirite?

i had muh first crush on a girl in 7th and 8th grade when i was 13/14. that was a bad choice because she was a mudshark slut. yes you could be a mudshark slut at age 14. how disgraceful! but she was a Bad Gurl who liked very Bad Bois. the badder the better. i have no idea why i liked her. prob because she was real purty. i felt that it was disappointing that she was such a bad gurl. i kinda wanted to save her and turn her into a nice gurl hahaha.

then i went into my women hating phase until like age 20/21, when is the second time i develop actual feelings for a woman. and they were very very very strong, and disrupted muh whole life. i didnt know how to deal with them!

in the interim i made out with 1 gurl when i was about 15 and i had VERY mixed feelings about it. i kinda felt pressured into it, that she wanted to do it more than i did, but i just went along to Gain The Experience, but i wasnt particularly HAPPY about it. i was kinda ANGRY about it for a couple years! also she lived like 50 miles away. maybe if she lived nearby i could get to know her as a person.

by age 20/21 i was completely off the track and should have took a hiatus from college at age 20, started intensive shit with a shrink and meds, gone teetotal from alcohol and MJ, stayed at home, got a shitty job, and finished up college at close to home U, pref in STEM hahahahahaha.  but nooooooooooooo i soldiered thru my useless degree and continued all my bad horrible habits.

i became sort of friendly with some women at age 20, but it was not until age 21 that i made my first decent actual official female friend. that was a positive move. also at that age i first pseudodated a gurl. and we rushed through all the beginning stages of a “rel” in a very short time, leaving me confused and sad and angry and disappointed and crazy hahahaha.

i made some more female friends at age 22.

anyway not sure what my point was. probably that its pointless and a bad idea to hate women unless you actually have some female friends.

even as women were dumping me and disappointing me and i should have really Hated All Women, i didnt really, having female friends was really useful in keeping me from hating all women.

you see, i didnt really LIKE hating all women! i didnt WANT to hate all women! it was GOOD for me to have female friends.

now, there was a little bit of drama…..but that was because i had fallen in LUV with a friend of my female friend. so i completely lost muh mind. the regular DRINKING did not help at this point. i should have just stopped drinking and been like ayyyyy baby wan sum hang out lmao and gotten rejected that way, instead of drunkenly pining for her.

MY POINT is, its not fun or good or healthy to Hate Women, and its a lot easier to not hate women when you actually have some Woman Friends. in fact, this will go farther in curing your womanhate, than actually dating or getting feelings for a gurl . cuz that shit always ends badly. with my female friends, well the ones i didnt fall in luv with, it never ended BADLY. we just drifted away as friends often do. but no hard feelings.

and it sucks to think of somebody you were in luv with, you wanted to be with forever, now they are giving dat secs up really easily and quickly to other guys, and that makes you sad, angry, and disgusted. because its none of your business. but i say you are still entitled to your opinion that she should not be a disgusting whore!!!!! and entitled to be hurt when she is. even if shes done with you. becuase you are not quite done with her. you are still in luv with her, still want her. who knows when that is gonna be over.

2% milk has 120 calories per cup, whole milk 150.

yeah i have reading reddit relships all day to convince myself that i did nothing wrong and that she is out of line.

well i admit i was cowardly and weak. but that it wasnt THAT bad. i mean its hard to have a hard discussion. give me a damn break. i wasnt trying to AVOID it. i was trying to confront it, in my weak way. i was hinting an signally heavily, and trying to hang out. she was tyring to avoid everything.

i dunno i dont like to be treated so disrespectfully. its very disrespectful to be Thrown Away Like Garbage!!!! can you understand that?!?!?!?!?!

its not so bad if its a random stranger. then you can just say fookin asshole and never see them again. but when they were once your friend, a good friend, and they do this……its LIKE a betrayal hahahahahah.

plus her throwing me away like garbage is WAY more disrespectful than me getting feelings for her.

i didnt think she had such little respect for me! so that was shocking! shit she used to have a lot of respect for me.

i have never lost this much respect for a person! i dont even know how to relate to that! well except when women dump me and go be huge sluts hahaha.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/43mn60/my_19_m_girlfriend_20_f_of_almost_2_years_broke/

hmm i almost wrote a response to this guy but he deleted his story and i cant find a cache/archive of it hahahaha.

nothing TOO exciting, i just sorta related to him. young man and his gf dumped him. not in the worst way, but not in the best way either. i wanted to use it as an example of, yeah this isnt the worst dumping, but women should aim to dump a lot better than this.

how are they so stupid and UnEmpathic that they dont know or dont care that they will be causing a person Great Pain?

how are relships such ugly, disappointing, tragic, heartbreaking, insane, Wrong, Clusterfooks??!?!?!?!?!?! cant people get along better than this? just use a LITTLE common sense. i would treat a person way better than this.

therefore, it is WOMEN who are at fault for all the Sorrow and Badness in Bad Relships hahahahaha.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/43mukg/my_19_m_girlfriend_20_f_of_almost_2_years_broke/

http://archive.is/uq1hT

FOUND IT! he crossposted it in relship advice as well. and i archived it for all eternity hahahaha

what i would say to him: yeah she COULD HAVE shown you even LESS respect by cheating on you….but she SHOULD have shown you a HELL of a lot MORE respect tho, by taking into account your feelings about being dumped, and being nice but decisive in dumping you.

IMHO, when you agree to a rel with them, you OWE IT TO THEM, its part of your RESPONSIBILITIES to them, to dump them gently and kindly and compassionate, if it reaches the point where you want to dump them and they want to stay/work on the rel….and you want to get out.  its like an early termination fee. the “fee” is simply BE NICE. BE KIND. BE GENTLE.

i would NEVER treat somebody like this unless i HATED them. i would never HATE them unless they made a concerted effort to push my buttons. i wouldnt hate somebody for getting feelings for me. i know you just cant turn feelings on an off at will, for any random person.

i hated one guy because he trolled me on our views of the world and became the most annoying faggot you wanted to punch in the face repeatedly.

i think thats how i made her feel hahahaha.

to her i became a really annoying faggot she wanted to punch in the face repeatedly.

damn.

punchable faces hahahaha.

that might be the best word for how she felt about me. the reaction i got out of her.

but i really feel if she took 5 minutes to think about it like an adult, she would see how ridiculous that is. why couldnt she give me that courtesy after the years together? are all women this childish and stupid and obtuse and unkind?

its totally immature, like something a 14 year old would do.

and in some ways i am very very emotionally mature, like a 14 year old: i get feelings too fast and too strong, i get feelings if i have secs or make out with or even cuddle with a gurl, and get way too attached to them too fast.

but i think this is a more positive way to be emotionally immature, than in the bad way, were you are paranoid and throwing tantrums and hate people for shitty reasons, and cant even attempt empathy, and are all hot and cold with no in between.

i mean she has empathy too, ive seen her use empathy, shes empathzed with ME before! just in this SITUATION to have her get so bipolar, was weird as hell, and caught me COMPLETELY off guard.

some woman on TRS forum said to be attractive to women, you have to TAKE REJECTION WELL. I thought this was stupid because a. nobody takes rejection super well b. if a woman rejects you and sees that you arent really upset….then what? is she gonna revoke her rejection? probably not. and if she did, that would be stupid and shameful and not the type of woman you want to be with.

so in other words, when That Woman rejected me, she probably hated and disrespected me EVEN MORE when she saw how upset and devastated and hurt I was.

i dunno this makes women seem like SADISTS, just shoveling hate and misery and suffering on men.

it did not seem worth it to autistically argue this one point with the forum woman hahahaha

well i took THE PREVIOUS REJECTION PRETTY WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TAKE REJECTION AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED, WHEN THE WOMAN MAKES AN EFFORT TO BE NICE ABOUT IT!!!!

why WOULD you reject someone in the meanest way possible?  because you HATE them?

why wouldnt you TRY to be nice or sympathetic when you are rejecting someone?

why would she not even take 5 minutes to THINK ABOUT THIS and how what i did was not some evil horrible thing???????

what the hell did her friends and family say when she talked about it with her? surely they cant all be as fooked up as her! unless she lied to them and said “UGH hes been creeping and stalking on me for months. he KNOWS im not interested but he still doesnt TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER!” and then they say “well dump that creeper to the curb gurlfran, you dont owe him an apology lmao”

cuz she seemed pretty reasonable and thoughtful, and her family did too, such that if she were making a horrendous Lapse In Judgment, they would steer her the right way. and i believe this was a Horrendous Lapse In Judgment on her part.

yeah yeah yeah a tale as old as time, but im not used to it happening to me, from a person i really didnt expect it from.  it shattered my confidence and made me think, hmmm maybe i really DID do something awful to warrant this. i dont realize it but i still stabbed her right in the back and she is just showing righteous anger now. i am reaping what i sowed, even though i didnt realize i sowed it.

so yeah its a long process trying to convince myself that i am not reaping what i sowed, that this was a YUGE lapse in judgment on her part.

but what DID she say to her family and friends? that i was just being a CREEPER WEIRDO and not taking NO for an answer? how much would they have pushed back on that? I”LL NEVER KNOW. Like they could ask her, well did you TALK to him about this? did you tell him you dont want to hang out, or do you keep telling him later, later, later? do you think maybe he likes you? dont HATE him for THAT. hes not a bad guy!! try not to break his heart when you dump him, he’s not trying to hurt you. hey maybe even give him a try, he would treat you really well, you could do a lot worse, you already know each other and get along. you knew this guy for almost 3 years and used to be good friends. dont just throw him away like a piece of garbage, he’ll be devastated, and thats just bad karma, not a cool thing to do to anybody. think about it. if he had any choice in this, why would he pick a time when its bad timing? did he write you any emails? oh a couple long super long emails? did you read them or just delete them? this isnt some random weirdo. remember not too long ago you were telling me what a good person he was. so treat him like that.

ok fatclub. hopefully TRUMPENFUHRER wins iowa caucus. is there one winner for each party?

whos worse, bernie or hillary? probably hillary hahahahahahahaha. bernie admits he is a j00ish socialist hahahaha.

AND if she told me WHY she couldnt just talk to me….oh because i BETRAYED her. i would STILL want to talk about THAT.

well i dont agree i betrayed you.

well i think you did.

and you think I will be able to convince her i didnt betray her? I, as the accused betrayer?  I would need a damn independent tribunal. 3rd parties. which i why i wanted her to talk to her friends and family. shit i should have Reached Out to her friends and family at the time. i thought about contacting her mother. i met the mother a few times and she seemed to like me, and i guess the woman used to tell her mother all sorts of good things about me. if i were personally closer with the mother, i probably would have contacted her!!!!

but i just wonder what The Woman told her mother, and what the mother said. I will NEVER KNOW.

its really hard to say!

maybe there was no talk at all. or it was like, yeah, were not getting along so well right now, we are drifting apart, not as close anymore, oh well that happens, thats life.

i just hate thinking this will happen again: that i will accidentally do something HORRIBLY WRONG an drive the woman of muh dreams away from me;

and also worried i will never feel that way about a woman again. i am getting OLD, and i dont like older women, and i dont like casual sex women on the websites.

heh. i thought I WONDER IF SHE IS ON TINDER then i saw you couldnt browse tinder without a smart phone.

i actually went to tinder with the intent of looking for HER. confirming that she is putting herself out there for casual sex.

anyway i hate making mistakes, HUGE mistakes, without even being aware that i am.

and if this is the LAST woman….damn.

i wish she hadnt made me feel like i royally screwed up.

but no one can make you feel someway without your permission.

but…..when they treat you like you did something horribly wrong….they are kinda making you feel you did something horribly wrong. and in at least 50%, they would probably be RIGHT!

essentially i am being falsely accused hahahaha. i dont know how this feels. it is so confusing and disorienting.

cuz sometimes….its RIGHT for you to feel bad, its not a matter of you “giving permission to let someone else make you feel bad.” its because you really did something bad to them, they are upset at you, they should be, and you feel bad.

and you SHOULD listen to the people who you care about and who you thought cared abotu you. because their perceptions of you matter.

so when someone who mattered to me a lot thought i was a awful piece of shit…….i was hurt, and i felt horrible for hurting them.

heh. they should have KNOWN that i would take this hard. they should have thought hmmm he will prob be hurt by this, probably should tread lightly. not be EXTRA HARSH.

well really extra harsh would be her TELLING ME all sorts of shitty things like “i hate you, you did this to yourself, you made me do this, youre horrible person,etc” while dumping me. really she was just too afraid of confrontation.

she might ahve WANTED to be nicer to me, she was just too SCARED to.

I WILL NEVER KNOW.

and because i was obsessed about handling the rejection like a man….i did not contact her 90000000000000000 times afterwards. i contacted her like 4 times. i begged a little bit but not too much. i didnt bombard her with so much shit, to FORCE her to say “stop harrassing me, i am blocking you, if you stalk me im getting a restraining order” etc. she just blocked me on FB and she may have blocked me on phone and email, no way to confirm that.

just watching iowa caucus instead of going to fatclub. i came in under muh calorie goal anyway so thats good. on muh BEEF DIET hahahaha. best shit ever.

but yeah so disappointing. she could have just sent a message and said this will be the last message, im blocking you after this, but SORRY SORRY SORRY, i didnt mean to hurt you. and that would have saved a decent amount of pain.

ITS REALLY NOT THAT HARD. it seems like it would be HARDER to do what shes actually doing. i mean the guilt would eat me alive.

but she is good at avoiding confrontation. yeah i keep forgetting she does have a red flag that she is able to just throw away her responsibilities and run away in shameful ways. its sad cuz she can do better. but stupid when you are on the receiving end of that.

i say she has nothign but yellow flags but this one might be a red. not going to go into detail here hahaha.

0202

gotta when you get up in the morning say: i definitely did not deserve this. i did not do something horribly wrong. they have made an EGREGIOUS error in judgment. they got me wrong, and they did me wrong. it was a horrible misunderstanding that will NEVER be resolved.

just dont like poeple being WRONG about me.

also i dont know if she felt betrayed by me, or she just wanted to GET RID of me. maybe she does feel bad. she is not a horrible person, but when she is forced to make a difficult choice, she has a tendency to break down and NOT do the right thing. a good person who makes horrible, regrettable choices. it really is kinda tragic but i cant save her from herself. unless she lets me. which she wont. hahahaha. ok have fun either having mud bastards, or becoming a crazy old catlady. and if you have a kid you will prob not be good mother hahahaha.

she has the potential to be a good mother, but also the potential to be a bad mother. its hard to tell. she might decide its too HARD to be a good mother and then just neglect her children and emotionally abandon them. is that the kind of woman i want to be married to, having my children? FOOK NO!!!!!

its similar to a woman having an ABORTION. its a convenient, expedient, super effective, but very morally ambiguous (and i would say, very immoral!!) “Solution” to a “problem”.  and probably the woman doesnt feel HAPPY about it, might even feel long term guilt or conflict about it, and they arent angry or hateful or feel BETRAYED by the baby theyre killing.

but yeah if you can just GET RID OF a PERSON, its kinda like KILLING them! except here, you’re still alive!

its weird being metaphorically KILLED by somebody important to you! it sends the message that your LIFE isnt very important to them. at least not more important than their feelings of discomfort.

she has the capacity to do the right thing and be a good person…..but when it comes time to make some real important decisions…..she CHOKES and does NOT rise to the occasion.

i mean i am the same way. i know how to be a good person but its so HARD, and i have made bad decisions just because i was too WEAK to do the right thing.

i dunno you could still send a messenger to say to me, she doesnt mean to metaphorically KILL you. she feels real bad about this and wants the best for you. even THAT would be a step up.

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES

  1.  I have the right to be not thrown away like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.
  2. You have the responsibility to not throw me like a piece of garbage when you decide to get out of this rel.

hahahahahahahah ayyyyyyy lmao.

i mean just show a little Respect for the Dignity of Human Life.

Dont Throw PEOPLE away like GARBAGE.

dont date / have secs with more than one person at a time.

this is all very r-selected behavior. we HAVE to be better than that. I want to be better than that, and my topkek m8 also wants to be better than that. choose k-selection. dont be like CRAB PEOPLE. crabs in a bucket. rat race. no. each of those squirming rats are special and have dignity. treat them as such.

also if youve known someone for 3 years, then its even WORSE if you throw them away like garbage.

this is very different than a mutual drift away, where BOTH people dont want to put too much effort into the rel.

but appreciate that this person you knew for 3 years has feelings and their feelings will be DEVASTATED if you do this to them. and then make an effort not to do that to them.

so next time some catlady dyke bitch gives you shit about ENTITLEMENT, show her the Relationships Bill Of Rights And Responsibilities, and say, and say something like, is it ENTITLEMENT to have a REASONABLE EXPECTATION that the person will not treat you like a piece of garbage?

is it ENTITLEMENT to think you deserve not to be Abused?

is it ENTITLEMENT to think you deserve to be Communicated With?

really the feminist antimale cat lady is just the Jury Of Women in my Head. the internal self critic. saying you dont deserve this and youre not entitled to this, but you DO deserve to be thrown away like garbage, because you were a horrible person to her.

went to shrink today, shrink agrees that i am not a horrible person, but shoeld have discussed that a bit more hahahaha.

how is it SO HARD for me to CONVINCE myself that i did not deserve this?

well because that woman and her opinion of me was important to me!

but yeah. she REALLY could have done a LOT better. how disappointing.

so….what do CHEATERS deserve? what do ABUSERS deserve?

this is the kind of shit i obsess over. even though i never cheated and i damn sure never abused.

well abuse is probably worse than cheating.

and abandonment/ghosting/throwing you away like a piece of garbage is…..better than cheating? worse than cheating? its probably better than ABUSE. idunno. its seems really neck and neck with cheating! at least cheaters usually pretend to show remorse and beg im sorrrrrrrry baby ill never do it again! and then they do it again.

what about abortion? where does that go on the bad things scale. worse than abuse? worse than cheating?

well i would THINK its worse than abuse, its damn killing a baby!!!!!! hahahahaah

now the jury of women says: but thats oversimplifying, and as a man, i have no place to talk. its just a nonsentient clump of cells at this point AND its a very humane compassionate choice, to spare the future child a life of hardship.

if you talk about “AGENCY” that is a DOGWHISTLE that you a shitlord racist hahahaha. because that means you are Punching Down on Oppressed Groups by Blaming the Victim, and by IMplying that Oppressed Groups had Agency in preventing or doing something about their Oppression.

Because Agency is defined according to the people in power (cis white men hahahaha) , Cis White Men Oppress Oppressed groups by taking AWAY their agency! so to say they still HAVE agency is denying that white men are oppressing them!

redacted

gr8 thread. beta autist 19 yo young man on my racistforum has a date with a Chubby Guatemalan and the talk gets REALLY real.

 

BETRAYAL BAROMETER

0127

weird dreams r us last night. well at least they did not include That Woman.

the more interesting one featured a woman from Uni i started having random dreams about a few years ago, indicating that i should have pursued her when i had the chance, but i was too distracted on other women and other issues. and here was a cute fun woman just a little outside my immediate circle. she was very cute and didnt hate me and i was favorable to her and at that time she wasnt a huge slut yet hahahaha. she was one of those that started taking all the cox AFTER college. yes there are some women like that. survive college without getting on the cok carousel but then the postcollege world is brutal. well i can udnerstand that. at best, your dreams are shattered, you are 50k in debt, you are working all the time and lose all of your friends because you have no time, so the best you can hope for is casual sex with strangers in bars and tinder and match and random acquaintances, and hope the casual sex turns into something greater…..but it usually doesnt. then back to work for you and you are fooking some person you dont even know. this is the best case scenario: assuming you can get and keep a decent job after college. well, assuming you dont say fook this shit and go to grad skool hahahaha. which she did not do. and i kinda liked that cuz i was sick of EVERYONE but me going to grad skool. but she got a gainful job so im jelly about that. and she might go to grad school at age 30. one of THOSE.  as in, give up your decent job entirely to go to a full time, well recognized grad program and reinvent yourself kind of thing. i dunno. i quit faceberg and dont plan ot go back haha.

anyway i would still date her now even though she is 30 and has probably been with….well at LEAST 10+ guys. i liked her cuz she was super cute, and also nice and friendly and not bitchy, but also kinda shy. she stuck with her female friends and didnt have 900000000000000000000000000 guy friends.

ANYWAY in the dream i was supposed to “pick her up from school and take her home” but instead she stayed with me and was showing intense interest in me. jumping all over me and wanting to get fooked NOW. getting ecstatic over ME.

that was nice because i wasnt used to that and she was very attractive and i liked her….but it was also a red flag. it seemed way too soon and quick for her to do this. this might not be real or long lasting. if she could do that with me, she could do it with 9000000 other guys. to go from 0 to 60 like that. i dont TRUST it. its nice getting the attention in the moment, but you fear rightfully that its not gonna last. meanwhile youre getting feelings while she’s LOSING INTEREST and moving on the next guy. its bipolar. woman2004 aka woman2 was like this.

this is why i think its wrong to have secs too early: before you KNOW a person, before you LIKE a person. and that takes TIME. it takes at least 6 months. and when THE RULE is to have secs on the THIRD DATE???!?!?!?!?! what a horrible rule. assuming one date per week, you should not be having secs before the TWENTY FOURTH DATE, at LEAST!!!!!!!

and then she in the dream was like, you dont have to take me home, i wanna spend the night with you. yay that means lots of cuddles with the secs i thought, but i was supposed to take her home, where the premise was, she lived with her family hahahaha. i said wont your family care about you spending the night with some guy you and they dont really know? and she said no thats fine. not a problem. either she was gonna lie or they just didnt care their daughter was a slut. WELL THEY SHOULD! I WOULD!!!!

ANYWAY as it turned out, the whole thing was a trick to get lonely beta males desperate for female attention, then ensnare them into a weird Vampire Zombie Undead Cult Army. the cute secsy succubus pulls you in, then turns you over to the zombie hordes, where you get essentially tortured and made into a monster hahahaha.

GEE I WONDER WHAT THIS DREAM MEANS hahahaha in terms of how i feel about WOMEN.

but it was presented as kind of a Cute Edgy Funny Entertaining Teen Young Adult Movie. possibly like army of darkness mixed with zombieland mixed with i dunno, twilight or john green.

vapaudenristis 2012 demo is also very good hahaha. very heavy guitar sound but just as catchy and high energy as ever. it makes some of his other projects look a bit low energy by comparison! i like this raw in your face masculine energy and emotion. i guess that is the point of RAC and i am very happy this guy is/has been doing RAC.

anyway the dream. yeah thats about it. this particular woman didnt seem much like that, rather woman2 did.

but it is very powerful when a young cute gurl is showing intense interest in you. smiling at you, enjoying every stupid thing you say, just WANTING you. i just wish it hadnt gone from 0 to 100 so fast. just slowly ramped up and lasted a long time. start with hanging out and smiling. slowly move to cuddling and touching and making out. then slowly move to secs. is that too much to ask? yes, yes it absolutely is hahahaha.

had another dream before that. i had snuck into some luxury resort hotel, poolside, and there was some weird massage chair where robot hands gave you a massage. i started doing that and noticed there was a gurl sitting there watching me. she wasnt particularly supercute but she was young, early 20s, which at my age is really all you need. she was slightly flabby and cow looking and certainly would not look any better than she did now. but even chubby girls can be cute if they are young. she made some kinda of joke to me that was actually funny and witty and smart, but she had a voice like a deaf person that was not hot at all. she was wearing a bathing suit and began coyly showing me her genitalia.

i said something degenerate like you have a real nice pvssy, i wanna get a closer look at it, and then she started s’ing muh d, and then the dream was over 1 second later.

well better to have these degen dreams than to think about HER. or also prono. i guess i could use my image of that first mentioned woman to help me try to get over THAT woman. in that, heres another real life woman i am attracted to and who had real rel potential. who i actually sorta knew at one time 10 years ago and who was friendly to me. that is very important too hahaha.

obsessed with women hahahaha.

but i hate the thought that people have no obligations to each other, you can do whatever you want, and nothings right or wrong. plus the jury of women in my head which says, what she did wasnt that bad, and you have no right to be upset, woman hater. stop trying to control her reaction. she can do whatever she wants.

i dunno i just want some SYMPATHY. when i tell this story to a future woman i want her to side with me and say yeah that sucks, she should have been more courteous to you.

just show me some sympathy and warmth and kindness. dont tell me, yeah it sucks but life isnt fair. friends and lovers are supposed to be NICE to you. thats one of the obligations of being a friend or lover hahahaha. that you sympathize with your friend over some random stranger.

https://soundcloud.com/deathtoposersradio/2512016-dtp-radio-show-pt3?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

new vapaudenristi song on some finnish metal radio show. i assume its new, i havent heard it before. it sounds good. this guy can literally do no wrong whatsoever.

how do you know when something is betrayal? i say its not betrayal. she says it IS. only one of those answers can be correct.

well the answer is, her BETRAYAL BAROMETER was calibrated extremely LOW due to a recent betrayal. therefore she was extra sensitive to betrayal now, and somebody having a small disagreement with her would be paranoidly interpreted as ghastly BETRAYAL.

ok now my ears and brain and heart are ready for the new clandestine blaze album. i wasnt ready for it when it came out. now after listening to tonnes of vapaudenristi, the CB sounds great. sounds more high energy than all other CB. more rocking, more energy, more immediate, very hateful. as if the V is bleeding over into the CB. FINE BY ME!!!!

i dont even know how he has TIME for CB anyway. he even uses Roaring Shouty V style vokals on at least one song here.

what im saying is i wonder if his work in V is making his work in CB even BETTER.

also what im saying is if he had to focus on one project from now, i would suggest V. because what they stand for is so important. the future of EUROPE and its PEOPLE hehehehe. it is for V that people call him a racist and a nazi. because being a NATIONALIST is the WORST THING EVER. protecting your country from saracen invaders raping your women, you cant do that!

anyway he produces so much music that it is hard to keep up with it all. but when this CB album came out in first half of 2015 (pre my life falling apart) i just wasnt ready for it. now i am, and i sounds like the freshest CB material ive ever heard, possibly the best.  Peak CB. highly recommended for metal fans and nationalists.

shit i am thinking of just writing this guy a long fan email already. be like i am your biggest fan and never stop doing what you do. and if i had to buy something from your store right now it would pref be a vapaudenristi shirt so make a bunch more of those hahahaha. ideally i would meet you in person and we could have a long talk about Nationalism; and also a Long Talk about Degeneracy and how it relates to what you did in some of your more degenerate projects (Nicole 12, and back in the day he even made some “fetish videos”. but i honestly think those days are behind him now. i hope.)

“consent carnival” at USC with college money going towards educating college students on what exactly is consent, and how to get it. obviously CONSENT has been a big deal lately, with the Marxist Implication being: all men are rapists, you have to teach men not to rape, men dont know what consent is, there is an epidemic of rape on college campuses hahahaha.

with the less political suggestion that NO ONE, men or women, knows what consent really is, and that men and women dont know how to communicate with each other any more.

no means yes and yes means anal hahahahahahahahahaha

and women like when manly men push through their last minute resistance and TAKE them hahahaha.

hey i have no idea what consent is any more, having not had secs in 11+ years and reading all this stupid news and feminism stuff.

BUT its ESSENTIAL to remember, that when i DID have secs 11 years ago………….the consent was super obvious. she was practically BEGGING for my cok hahahaha. if anything the consent was coerced on MY side because i was nervous as fook and felt we were rushing into it. i wanted to take it slower, it all seemed so fast and hurried and unchill. but i went ahead and did it cuz i felt, well ive been wanting to do this forever, who knows when i’ll get another chance, its now or never. and it literally was! cuz there was a huge drought before that and a huge drought after that!

but as far as the actual CONSENT, there was NO ambiguity there. the actual consent was the least of my worries.

so i didnt have the consent problem all these college kids seem to be having as reported by the ((((((media))))). me, who just doesnt get along with women, women hate me to my very soul, every fiber of my being is repulsive to them, and i cant communicate with them and they cant communicate with me. everything is a goddamn ambiguous signal. except when it comes to actual secs. there was no doubt about it. enthusiastic consent was given at every second.

https://archive.is/hp6mY

related: this shit from attn dot com, a leftist shit site. tries to use COMICS to WIMMINSPLAIN to men the Complexities of Consent and how men think all this shit is consent but its really RAEP cuz men are such stupid evil rapey barbarians. RAPEY.

https://archive.is/Rz7DC

ok this one has the actual comic pictures i was talking about. this is how STUPID and EVIL they think MEN are.

oh secs is EASY. its maintaining an actual RELSHIP and talking about FEELINGS thats hard.

no wonder bitches are so good at having casual secs and so bad at having relships hahahaha.

went WAY over calorie budget yesterday. felt bad about that. and i didnt even REALLY gorge myself. and i still went WAY over. like 800 over. jesus christ. eating at night. and then a “dessert” of pastry on top of that!!!!!! come on!!!!

i just ate some chikun wangs! whats so bad about that? a lot actually. chikun wangs, pizza, pastries, donuts, its all bad.

anyway i say its not betrayal, she is, only one of us can be right.

well its betrayal if the person feeling betrayed says its betrayal.

i DONT GET TO SAY, yeah but youre wrong, its not a real betrayal because i didnt MEAN to betray you. or it didnt meet these official criteria of betrayal. if the betrayee FEELS betrayed, then its betrayal, and i should feel bad.

but again my response is, she was just WAY too sensitive and we could have figured this all out with a Talk.

but COULD we have? 50% NO! we could have sat down for a talk and she could have been just like a damn brick wall like she was, and STILL refused to listen or understand or try to see my point of view!

and the last thing someone who feels betrayed wants to do is talk with their would be BETRAYER about the situation!

i dunno i have never REALLY felt THAT betrayed by a person before. i have felt severely disappointed, left in the lurch, not given a change, but real stick the knife in betrayed? not really. i dont even feel betrayed by HER here! just very very disappointed.

maybe if she just said, no i dont think you BETRAYED me,  i just cant handle this, but youre not a bad guy, you didnt BETRAY me, then i would feel a lot better.

i dont LIKE when somebody forever thinks i betrayed them!!!!!!

im not the kind of guy who betrays people!!!!

but i get along SO BADLY with WOMEN, that i BETRAY them without even THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

THAT is the kind of automatic negative thoughts i need to fight off all day.

its just real shitty. she was primed and paranoid to think EVERYTHING was betrayal. nothing i can do about that.

but i really didnt want to hurt her. i luved her! and when i luv someone, i dont do things that will HURT them!

basically somebody you luv saying you did something very wrong to them, and they hate you for it, and its NOT WHAT THEY THINK!!!! but they refuse to listen to your very sensible reasonable explanation, and hate you forever for it. its hard to just sit there and accept but thats ALL you can do.

i just hate being accused of something very bad, that i didnt really do. but i sort of did! i mean shes not misinterpreting what happened, shes misinterpreting the meaning of it, if that makes any sense.

well she COULD be misinterpreting what happened, IF she thinks i had Dual Intent, and False Pretenses ALL ALONG. then she would be even MORE WRONG. which would kinda be good, as it would more convincingly convince myself that i did not do something horrible.

but yeah when you get thrown away its very dehumanizing. you feel like you dont matter as a person. your voice and opinion and perspective dont matter. you werent even good enough to be HEARD, to be LISTENED to. they just wanted to get rid of you and not hear you bitch and moan and complain. its almost like being ASSASSINATED, or K’ed by a HIT MAN. just dispose of this toxic waste. but youre not dead. youre still alive.

it is a REAL mindfook to be disposed of like this and i wish the jury of judgmental women in my head would agree with that and show me a little SYMPATHY and say ITS WRONG TO TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

not, WELLLLLLL, what YOU did was bad too, and nobodys entitled to anything, and she doesnt HAVE to show you courtesy, esp when YOU were no angel either.

yes i fooked up but i didnt fook up THAT bad to deserve THAT. i want people to agree with me on the difference in magnitude as well hahahahaha. realize this was a complicated situation. i was TRYING to not lie to her. i was giving her signals because i couldnt HIDE it.

well im the bad guy because i NEEDED TO SAY IT. i couldnt just realize that she was taking my hints, and giving me a solid hint of her own: i dont want this,  i dont like you. and i could have LEFT IT AT THAT. but i DIDNT. i had to SAY it. so in some? many? womens eyes that DOES make me a bad guy, doing a creepy feelings dump, saying something HORRIBLY awkward when its OBVIOUS it doesnt NEED to be said.

well i disrespectfully disagree with that opinion. some of us just need to say the words.

also in many situations like this, a man falling in luv with female friend, THEY STILL HANG OUT TOGETHER and have a CHANCE to talk about it, or at least SIGNAL to each other with more clarity. i was going crazy that she WOULDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH ME ANYMORE and instead of just saying no, would give me excuse after excuse, saying well hang out later. and stupid me i beleived that, becuase i wanted it to be true!

went to Gym and burned 867 calories. angry at everything. starving but since i went SO far overboard yesterday,  i gotta budget today. well, not really. looking at other days i can see i have PROBABLY ALREADY made up for it.

BUT since i am PLANNING on eating at muh social gaym later, i gotta prepare for that. so why be mad about that? because i am very hungry now? most of the world is hungry! whenever i get hungry, i try to tell myself, thats GOOD, get USED to it, it is because i have eaten too much that i too much weight and fat on my body, so i have to be HUNGRY a little bit in order to lose that weight.

i am not autistic as i seem hahaha.

i am also more concerned about muh job situation than it seems from this writing. i just PREFER writing about the woman situation.

basically its an illustration of how bad communication can result in a TOTAL CLUSTERFOOK.

we talked about stuff. we just didnt talk about the stuff that MATTERED. because i was too SCARED, and she was too…unneccessary. pointless. nothing she could gain from it. just pure awkwardness. no REASON to talk or communicate. she had nothing to say. she didnt have feelings for me. why couldnt i see that. shes not giving me any positive signals. why couldnt i just take the hint. well because i didnt want to take the hint, i was in denial. but is that so goddamn evil and betraying? of COURSE i was in denial, i was in TRUE LUV!!! i wanted to believe there was a CHANCE! yeah its stupid and embarrassing and naive but is it treacherous, treasonous, lying, betraying? i dont think so. but again only she gets to determine when her trust is betrayed or not.

so now im a bad guy; betraying trust and hurting people without even being aware; AND being heartbroken in the worst possible way.

so yeah its another one of the blame myself days.

other days i blame her.

shift between hating self and hating her!

well if the roles were reversed….if a female friend was in one sided luv with me…i would feel BAD that i didnt return her feelings! i would say im sorry and MEAN it! not HATE them for it! i would ALREADY be hurting them enough from not liking them back!

anyway i hate being shitty to people. so it sucks to think i can hurt somebody without knowing it. i mean not many people are close enough to me to hurt them!

did i really HURT her though?!?!?!?! ill never know. maybe she doesnt even feel betrayed. she was just disgusted and annoyed. but not betrayed. or maybe she felt bad! i’ll NEVER KNOW!!!11111!!!!!!!

SELF SOOTHING hehehehe. EVERYTHING i used to do this became a bad habit: pr0nography. alcohol. MJ. FOOD. you eat FOOD to self soothe. then you gain weight and become a fatass.

what about jerking off without using pornography? to women that are not going to destroy your spirit? still a slippery slope and kinda degenerate.

better to PRAY.

and to LIFT. or exercise.

so lemme get thsi straight. if she THINKS i did something wrong…..then i did something wrong??? WELL I THINK SHE DID SOMETHING SUPER WRONG!!!!!11

maybe reddit relationships will have the answer i am looking for hahahaha. nope. nothing will have the answer im looking for. i have been thinking of just POSTING on these forums already.