went to church and sat there bored and looked for attractive young women, begged GOD for a MIRACLE to TRANSFORM me and give me a new brain, give me the desire to work hard and not get distracted.

i am in the angry judgemental phase where i think EVERYBODY is degenerates. everything and everyone is too degenerate for me. bunch of filthy animals fooking and breaking hearts and cheating and lying and hurting and doing harm and not caring about.

might have some nyquil tonight, want to take it early because it lingers forever, like 16 hours, so want to take it around 5 o clock.

i am convinced that because i was always underconfident at my job and there was such mass confusion and no faith that anyone really knew what they were doing, and there was a huge divide against the few that seemed to understand stuff or at least bullshitted REALLY well, vs the many that didnt; that all workplaces are gonna be like that, that people will always be confused and not understand you, and that the people who can really HELP you are hidden behind walls of Confused Gatekeepers. I understand the role of Gatekeepers to give the Decision Makers time and space to Make Decisions, but how do the Gatekeepers know what they’re doing? how can they correctly advise people at the First Level of contact if they dont know what theyre doing?

well, they can either bullshit you, outright lie to you, or tell you theres nothing they can do where they dont know that for sure, basically give you the RUNAROUND, or PASS THE BUCK. and the person they pass the buck to does the same thing and say “well the first person shouldnt have done that, call them back again.”

went to a local bar last night and it was just stupid. this wasnt even a particular bad bad. it was a completely average bar at 10 o clock on a saturday night. just working class average normalfags, not really any alpha male peacocks or “BROS”, and not really a Dive Bar either, meaning they do intend to attract Semi Attractive Females to some extent, rather than have a Total Sausage Fest on Friday Saturday nights. and there were like 2 attractive women in there, so good job bar.

the service was good and the food was good and the people werent even too obnoxious. but i was just annoyed by the loud stupid music and in general it seemed like a sad way to spend a saturday night. groups of men without women, and a decent number of lonely looking 45 year old men sitting at the bar sucking down bud lites and watching sports on tv.

and the more young attractive women that are at a bar, the more obnoxious the crowd gets with young alpha males and bodybuilders and Bros and  Douchebags and such, so im glad there werent a ton of women.

but yeah i wanted to get out of there before an hour. just went and drank a coke, ate some wings,  smoked a cig, said ok lets get out of here. nothing to do here. well they had pool tables to play pool so that’s fine. a bunch of guys where playing pool, something to do, i can understand that, even though i dont get big into playing pool, and everyone playing pool is always a Pool Shark.

and then i thought of my female former friend going to bars like this and having guys try to charm her, buying her dranks, her fooking them, who cares, getting preggers, who cares, you can either have a abortion or have a babby with an absent father, who cares, it doesnt matter.

and i thought about how when i knew her, she said she didnt like bars and didnt think they were fun and people tried to get her to go to bars but she would never go, and i thought that was awesome, and was a reason i liked her, becuase i dont like bars either, as illustrated above, and only go when i am with friends who really want to go, which is not very often!

Men Without Women will always be a bit jelly of the men with (younger) women. basically i men women In Their Twenties, who are not blatantly ugly, who do not have Kids. The Most Desirable Women in other words. Like Muh Female Former Friend hahahaha. yep i would have been very happy with her. no sense of “settling for less” there. and then heart torn out like temple of doom.

the SUDDENNESS and the figurative VIOLENCE of it shocked me. one day i was in luv with her and she was the perfect angel, the next day she had nonverbally announced that it was Permanently Over Forever.

in my defense and in her non-defense, she didnt SEEM like she wanted to be done permanently. the few times we touched on the topic in stupid messages she said sort of sorry for not hanging out, we would hang out someday, she was just isolating herself from her friends, she “missed” me; although she hinted in an ealier message that she was annoyed by me being pushy, then i apologized profusely and said i wouldnt bug her at all this month if she told me we could hang out next month. of course we never hung next month, or the month after that, or the month after that, or the month after that, and by that time i was getting pushy again. but you could sorta see why. i honestly thought we were gonna hang out. whenever she said we would EVENTUALLY hang out she said it in a nice way. plus she was going through legit life stuff.

even if she is secretly in luv with me but has some inner Fear holding her back, i cant remove that fear for her!

this is related to “if someone REALLY WANTS something, they’ll DO it, so if they dont DO it, that proves they dont really WANT it.”

well you have to look at what youre talking about. basically i am talking about things IN YOU POWER. Like Yeah I really WANT her to luv me, but i cant make her, thats out of my power. or i really WANT to have a low stress 15DAH Job, but i have no idea how to get that, well, im not willing to do the years of grueling work to get there.

people are held back from doing the things they really want, by fear, by circumstance, by pretty understandable constraints.

like i wont make a phone call because i am anxious and because i have time to procrastinate, even though i want to get this billing issue settled. i just dont want to make the phone call! so i procrastinate.

so is she procrastinating on Luving Me, because she doesnt want to deal with it right now?

i dont think so, because in this situation, ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS NOT SHUT ME OUT. and respond to an email. communicate with me. she didnt have to work for it for years. i was right there at her doorstep offering up my heart. she just had to say yes. so yeah i dont think fear was holding her back. this is just how she really feels hahahaha.

i wasnt making it hard for her, i was making it easy, serving it up on a silver platter, at her doorstep, all she had to do was say yes. she already passed the test. she didnt have to get a masters degree or be the top employee for 10 years or jump through hoops. she had already jumped through the hoops of be in your 20s, dont have kids, dont be promiscuous, dont be ugly, have decent morals, be a decent person, be chill, dont be too crazy, get along with well, trust, respect, and……communication. well obv the communication killed it.

but yeah it was too sudden for me. she was giving mixed signals about wanting to communicate. i thought she geniunely wanted to communicate in time. maybe she did. but the avoiding and avoiding and avoiding was getting to me, and pushed me to the breaking point.  i could not wait any more.

anyway. if people want to do something, they will do it, and dont be autistic about that statement. i mean in terms of commuincation. where all the person needs to do is send a text or an email or have a conversation. pretty low barrier right there. dont have to be top of your class in a stem degree.

anyway i see other women being b’s and think OH SHE WASNT LIKE THAT wawawawawa and then think, WELP, SHE ACTUALLY PROBABLY IS, and then BUT IT DOESNT MATTER DOES IT.

i dunno. she used to be warm and nice and gentle to me, i would have really appreciated her extending some of that warmth to the ending of things. just so i dont remember her as an evil fooking kvnt, which i know shes not, but i guess i wanted more CONGRUENCE. Congruity. Less Dissonance. also that would have lessened the SHOCK and the “violence” and suddenness and PAIN.

its like stupid movies where people are driving in a car totally unassuming and then BAM surprise collision with another car coming out of NOWHERE at 100 mph in a split second.

WHATEVER, its just a case of NO CLOSURE, make your own closure, this happens to literally EVERYONE, just like True Love, just like True Heartbreak.

it helps if you have a decent job you can go to to avoid it and kill time tho, and fucc gurlz to bang mindlessly. a harem.

sometimes i feel like an adult man with DOWN SYNDROME who just simply does not have what it takes to make it in the adult world.

i wonder if people with DOWN SYNDROME ever fall in true luv and get married. i think they do sometimes. im not sure if they can have kidz tho.

took nyquil at 5 pm, then ate dinner, then went for 3 mile powerwalk. usually i would take the nyquil when coming back.

well i like this taking it before everything! it is really necessary to avoid next day hangover.

well hopefully.



thurs feb 2 2014 9.28 pm

GOD HELP ME, THANK GOF for all the good things in muh life. real QUICK. gotta go to BED. today i had no idea how I was gonna make it. this is one of those jobs. you start off each day thinking how the hell am i gonna get through this day. but i made it THANK GOD. that’s how i did it.  that’s how you will do it.  haven’t been laid off yet, and i still wouldn’t mind it as long as I got welfare. job sucks. but i am gaining real skills, it is a true resume builder. and I helped the heck out of some old woman the other day. was all set to be a real nightmare, complaining that she had called 4 times blablabla, she was old and slow and had thick accent, but i helped the heck out of her and she was thrilled that i was so much more helpful than the previous 4 people and would give me a rave review. (of COURSE your callers get a chance to review you specifically.)

of course i might get laid off because i take too much time to finish my Call Notes after each call.

anyway. yesterday was godawful, was already tired, and then got stuck in the f00king driveway coming to my god-given home. took like 2 hours to get dug out of the snow. this is when the plow comes down the street and covers the bottom of your driveway with snow. I though I could barrel over it, but I thought wrong, and got ridiculously stuck.  that was so frustrating. GOD was really testing me there. Almost started crying there. because what if I had to take days off to get the car towed and fixed and did the wheel fall off and what’s the snow doing to the underbody of the car and I hate f00king CARS and I hate SNOW.

but with the help of a neighbor i was able to get out, THANK GOD. I thanked GOD for that neighbor later and then called them the next day (today) to thank them again.

slept like sh1t because i also have a COLD.  very stuffy nose. which does NOT help muh energy and muh performance at WERK.

but today thrus I really needed a miracle. and with the help of you know who, i finally MADE it, and so thus had to celebrate by writing about it. . but i gotta get into bed by 10pm. it would be different if i had an easy job like i did before, and could easily get thru each shift after very little sleep. cuz the shifts were shorter and the job was WAY easier. and now i need to spend all out of work time sleeping to recharge for WERK. that’s what WERK IS, SON.

don’t even WANT Women any more, just want to CHILL OUT.

good news is I have lost some much needed WEIGHT simply because I eat a small ass lunch and am too nervous to eat a lot anyway; and worried if i did eat alot, i’d puke or poop my pants. so almost 2 months of eating less has caused me to lose weight. but i needed to lose weight.  but i’d rather it not be because i am too nervous to eat.

of course i will prob gorge on the weekend. eat a huge pad thai or general chowz hehehe or something ridic.

drinking more pink bismuth pepto bismol than i prob should. really looking forward to friday night nyquil fest. and now that i actually have a cold it will be even more justified.

will prob EASILY sleep till 3 pm on saturday. wouldnt mind doing some socializing with select ppl.  but the weekend goes so fast when you sleep till 3 pm hehehe.

i was always that guy who thought i was smarter and better than all these idiots. but i’m really not, otherwise i would have risen above and had a good career by now, hehehe. wasn’t willing to work for it. got LAZY.

and yet i try to be real nice to people when i actually have to talk to them. and often help them out quite a bit.

but yeah LAZY. LAZINESS. don’t like to WORK. when I get OUT of work, I want to spend that time relaxing and sleeping, not doing MOAR WORK. So many WORKAHOLICS out there. If I am not careful then I could get shamed and shunned for not wanting to work enough overtime. makes me look privileged and snobbish, like i don’t need the money.

if the job were less intense i wouldn’t mind working 100 hours a week. but it takes everything i have just to make it to 40 hours a week.

yet there are so many people who would KILL to be in my position, to have the possibility of Overtime.

So I do know that.

whatever, you don’t like it, s my d.

i also look at it like, i WILL get laid off in x weeks anyway. knew that going in. might get laid off tomorrow, but i’m SUPPOSED to get laid off in x month ANYWAY. Basically i can calculate how many Work Days I Have Left, and it’s only like 40 to 50 days of Work. And If you learn something Every Single Day, and get better Every Single Day, and it gets less stressful Every Single Day, and you only have 50 days to last, that’s not too bad of a “sentence.”

Because of course this is my sentence for being a huge lazy screwup loser who spat in the face of the LORD and threw their gifts and opportunities and youth and privilege away. I HAD to pay for that karmically at some point. And I have been paying it back the past 4 or 5 years or so, and right now I REALLY am. So it is safe to say I am almost all done serving Muh Sentence. At least 80% done. ANd then I can start Really Living.  Not talking about Women, moreso just Chill Tolerable Middle Working Class $12 an hour College Boy Fulltime Job.


might be a misleading title. or depending how the future plays out, maybe not.

thurs 1 23, 9.45 pm

a rare weeknite post. thurs night. mon tues wed i would get out of ARBEIT MACHT FREI and IMMEDIATELY go to bed, took ALL my strength just to get thru the day. did NOT watch tv, did NOT unwind, well I had a small snack thank GOD, and it’s GOOD not to watch TV Filth, but I was also worried because they are STILL laying people off, and I kind of WANT to be laid off, because then I won’t have to go to that godawful job, and I’ll get paid unemployment, and can look for a better job, and be able to prove i was legitly laid off for business needs. rather than Quitting for being an Emotional, Unemployable Loser.

i honestly don’t know muh chances. by now the MAJORITY of the group of people hired at the same time as me are GONE. LAID OFF. maybe about 65% of them. But i’m sticking around because I have Good Attendance, and Good Performance.

Yesterday was Super Stressful, a MIRACLE that I got thru, but today was actually not so bad, maybe the best day I have had so far. 23 phone calls, about 17 minutes average call, and 6:20 total phone time.  I handled myself pretty well, had several very pleased callers. The trick really is to just Chill Out and not Worry, and get into that mindset even when you get something you’ve never HEARD of before, and then keep calm and Reach Out to the resources available to you without panicking or overthinking.  and then bringing that sense of calm confidence to the caller. this is of course MUCH easier said than done and has taken me a LONG time to even BEGIN to do so. other people have gotten LAID OFF because they did not do this FAST enough. It’s a miracle I have done it fast enough. this is the type of thing with a steep learning curve and PEOPLE NEED TIME to get good at it, and they’re UNJUSTLY laying people off before even letting them have that time! very nice people that I liked! the worst is when you realize “Oh sh1t I haven’t seen that person in a few days,” and then you never see them again because they’ve been LAID OFF. well I hope they are getting decent unemployment!!!

and tom is fri and i have a fun social event semi planned for this weekend, nice dinner and gaming with old frand. thank GOD.

AND I came home tonight feeling ok for once, and found muh new silver round waiting for me, which I got for a decent price. lesson: amagi metals is a much better price than apmex. although a smaller selection.

AND I finally got muh bitcoin delivered. I guess the REAL smart thing to do would be to Buy Bitcoin Low, wait for it to SKYROCKET, and then buy Silver with it. hehehe. would that even work? Or would silver skyrocket right alongside Bitcoin, and then silver would be like 800 dollars an ounce? hehehe.

So I look at muh 6 pieces of silver and can’t help but think of the old story of Judas betraying CHRIST for thirty pieces of silver. if we assume those were 1 tr oz pieces, and silver at ABOUT $20 an ounce, then that’s about 600$ to sell our LORD down the river.

and I play with muh nice little STACK and thank GOD for the PRIVILEGE of being able to enjoy this silver.

but yeah. kinda gonna slow down on the mad spending i think. first world privilege. thank GOD. THIS is why I thank GOD all the time. I could be getting LITERALLY raeped up the A every day.

i talked for 2 seconds but pretty normally with the QT Gurl  today as well. might be muh new #1 from that place. NICE. simple small talk whilst smoking a cig outside. I only try to smoke no more than 2 cigs thru the day, and 1 before the beginning. so 3. given the stress level of the job, one SHOULD be smoking like a whole pack for one 8 hour shift, hehehe. a cig after every call.

heh heh if you don’t wake up every morning DREADING going into your DREADFUL job, then YOU DON’T HAVE A REAL JOB. REAL MEN Dread Going To Their Job Every Day. Want to PUKE and Poop Blood.

Or I guess real men wouldn’t get so SCARED, they wouldn’t let it GET to them, but they’d also perform their job well enough not to get LAID OFF or god forbid FIRED.

so the job does get bearable i suppose. and that is all i can ask. It certainly hasn’t become permanently bearable, just starting to show signs that it could be. maybe. but it might get REAL bad in feb. really wouldn’t put anything past it. I don’t TRUST the job at ALL. but my COWORKERS are decent good people thank GOD. it’s just a f00ked up JOB.  heh but this is the best a person with a WORTHLESS DEGREE can do in 2014! a young smart man near me also has a Worthless Degree. But he is early twenties, still young. great guy though, he’s helped me a lot, very smart, hope he can find a better job before he gets Old, hehehe.

lord, just bought like 11 more dollars of bitcoin because the price is going down. then I realized it would be smartest to WAIT for it to HIT bottom, THEN buy, because now I’m losing money as we speak.

Heh. I do not trust bitcoin more than I trust SILVER or GOLD. But I wouldn’t mind making a Profit off bitcoin, and if I had bought before the Big Boom in OCtober 2013 or so, I WOULD have. would like to get on some of that. wait for it to crash again, then buy, then boom again, then get rich quick, hehehe.

but don’t spend too much because the FEDGOV could snatch this stuff willy nilly. so I immediately move btc from my coinbase wallet into a blockchain wallet, then download the dam wallet. not sure if that would keep FEDGOV from snatching it, hehehe.