IF HAVING SECS IS EASIER THAN COMMUNICATING, THEN WHAT ELSE IS EASIER THAN COMMUNICATING?

sat sept 2

sheeeeeit MIGHT go to the fitness place today. saturday afternoon. its gonna be busy. theres gonna be arabs right next to me on the treadmill chanting, singing, praying, talking loudly in arabic. having loud annoying obnoxious phone conversations with other arabs. hehehehehe. arabs are fooking OBNOXIOUS. if they acted more like whites I wouldnt dislike them as much. white are generally not this obnoxious. in general. on average. they can still be plenty obnoxious. but i give them a little break because they are my people. there’s a race war on right now. every time a white becomes white trash, schlomo rubs his hands. and 95% of people dont know the JQ, so they just dont KNOW any better, and ignorance kind of IS a valid excuse.

anyway i would just go for 1 hour, use the treadmill, try to slowjog for 1 mile tops, listen to music and podcasts.

saturday afternoon. bet that woman is waking up next to her new boifran, all happy after being fooked hard and smoking tons of MJ hehehehe. good riddance. i still want her hahaha.

but i accept that will never ever ever ever happen. 100%. yearning for MJ is a much more realistic, doable thing. so i yearn for that equally hehe. this is really because i am socially inept. i literally don’t know anyone who can get me MJ, and i dont have the balls to seek people out. I asked the one person i could possibly ask, and that was a no unfortuantely.

i bet i could ask a bunch of people at planet fatness. all the arabs and albanians, a bunch of them def sell drvgs hehehehe. but i wouldnt trust them to give me a fair deal or to get what i really want (medium quality 1nd1c4 at a medium level price. medium, not high. medium is good enough for me, that i dont need to pay a premium for HIGH quality. medium is MORE than good enough, or at least it used to be, and i THINK it still would be.)

so yeah might do that at 1 o clock. but it will prob be busay at that time.

anyway. a few months ago the thought of her fooking and luving her new bf would have made me a lot more upset. and i would have wanted HER a lot more than i wanted MJ. but now they’re about equal hahahaha. i might even want MJ more hehehe.

granted, i dont want to RUMINATE or LINGER on the thoughts of her loving getting fooked and doing all sorts of degen with her new BFs. or just a string of casual guys.

and im just as more likely to get butthurt at HOW CAN SUCH A DEGEN MAKE SO MUCH MORE MONEY THAN ME AND BE SO MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL AT ADULTING THAN ME.

yet she has no idea of The Arc Of History. No idea how Relationships Work. Is like a Baby with a Gun. Doesn’t understand her Reproductive Role and the Responsibilities that go with it. Doesn’t know how to communicate.

WRONG. she just didnt WANT to do any of that with ME. but with a SECSY masculine man, she was MORE than WILLING to do all of those things.

willing to hang out, willing to communicate, willing to sacrifice, willing to put herself out on the line, willing to go all in or even just half in, hahaha. willing to talk, willing to listen, willing to put yourself in the other persons shoes, willing to work, willing to make an effort, willing to change, willing to compromise. willing to go to a relship shrink hahaha. willing to end the rel in a sympathetic way.

willingness is SO important.

anyway im done with her waaaaaaaaaa i accept that,  and i have finally found somewhat of a job after Much Struggle, so…..i just want to buy a bag of MJ at a fair price plus maybe 15% tip/premium/finders fee hahahaha. maybe 20%. fine 20%. buy a 100$ dollar thing for 120$. buy a 150$ thing for 180$. COME ON. how can you turn that down.

later.

well i did go to fatclub. used treadmill for 65 minutes. burned 426 calkories. it was surprisingly not too busy. didnt have to wait. there was a qt white girl near me wearing extremely tight pants that were painted on her ass. after a few minutes another qt white gurl got in front of me with extremely tight pants. this is just fooking NORMAL and they dont KNOW how SLUTTY it looks! they LOOK like theyve fooked 20+ guys, when they’ve really only fooked 10! it’s not fair to them hahahahahahahaha

yes there were some swarthy arabs and turks in there, pretty high percentage unfort, BUT on the whol the place was NOT packed, and that was my main concern. have not been there in like 7 months.

but yeah if a woman fooks 20 guys and doesnt even know their names, then yeah you are entitled to feel a little butthurt when she doesnt fook you. ok so you might not have the best of intentions but i GUARANTEE you have better intentions, on average, than some of the Tough Guys she fooks! they dont give a damn who they hurt! you at least would abide by the campsite rule! leave em as good as you found em! (tech its “leave em better than you found em.” little generous. my version is, leave em as good as you found em.

youre just lookin for some secs, you’re not trying to screw anyone over or lie to anyone. no lying or cheating or douchebaggery. just slam bam thank ya mam. i mean shit. if youre not an experienced chad normie thundercock, you’ll prob end up getting feelings for any qt gurl who fooks you even if you set out to NOT get feelings and just have casual secs like she does.

but yeah. did a slow jog at 5 mph for 1 mile. so that took 12 minutes. pathetic hahahaha. then “rested” for 5 minutes or so, then started focusing on incline, keeping it at 3.0 mph. the incline did not seem super hard until after like 8 degrees. it goes up to 15 max which is darn steep. i think i always had it on 1.0 because that is a good simulation of real life.

these women. secs. yeah. its FUN to them, but MEANINGLESS fun. like JERKING OFF is for you. when you watched porn, you didnt think of those porno whores as PEOPLE. that might make it more uncomfortable. well, normie staceys dont think of the chads they fook as people either. just pornography, this is their version of porn. and god forbid they ever confuse YOU with one of those fookable chads and you get lucky once.

you will feel wow this is so special, she will think wow this is fun, but i hope he doesnt get feelings, doesnt he understand what casual fun is? this is just chill fun. dont get feelings. its just sex. if he gets clingy, im dumping him. i dont need that.

so yeah i guess i resented women for being able to feel that way about sex. about PEOPLE.

believe me, if i were actually fooking the girls in the pornos, it would be alot easier to view them as PEOPLE. you have a sweaty naked body there staring you in the eyes, being all sweaty and stinky. how can you NOT see them as a person. a fellow human being. DAMN.

i was thinking, well, how many good friends have i had during my life. this is how close you should get to someone before you have SECS with them. get as close to them as you would a Good, Top Tier Platonic friend.

So how many of those have I had? quite a few, actually.

2 in grade school, maybe 3;

3 from high school;

a bunch during college. 6 or 7 or 8.

(so therefore we should expect that the normal woman has 8 secs partners during college. because I had 8 decent friends during that time.)

a couple after college, including That Woman because we were good friends before the shit happened. maybe 3 or 4.

so, maximum of 3 + 3 + 8 + 4 by age…..30 ehehehe. THEREFORE, its ok for women to have a max of EIGHTEEN sex partners before age 30.

yeah but i didnt have secs with ANY of these people hahahahaha.

ok lets say 17, because one of the grade school friends, i wasnt really friends with him any more by the time i Hit Puberty, ie, when people really want to become Sexually Active. Start noticing goyls and jerking off to pron.

i suppose if a woman knew their secs partners as good as i knew any of those 17 people……then i cant really be butthurt if they fooked them. because i knew those people pretty well, a lot more than what I imagine women know the men they casually fook.

so there. you are allowed a max n of 17 by age 30!

but i dont want age 30 women, i want age 25 women.

ok, so how many of those friends were by age 25 for me? vast majority. maybe 15. i really slowed down on the friendmaking after age 24, 25 or so.

Fifteen Partners by Age 25. I HAVE to allow it. shit that sounds like SO MANY though.

i was in church and there was an adorable, well-behaved, blond-haired Little Gurl near me. I felt a very Paternal, Fatherly Urge towards her. Like I want to PROTECT that Little Gurl and make sure no one hurts her. none of these degenerate BOYS who just want ONE THING.

and there was nothing secsual about it, thank god. i didnt want to molest or Touch or Fondle or Make Out with the Little Gurl. Those things seemed disgusting, as they should. however I felt that perhaps hugging or “cuddling” the girl might be appropriate insofar as the realm of Fatherly Protection and Comfort, like how a little girl would cuddle with her Father. I didn’t see anything inherently degenerate with that.

so then I thought about how Cuddling could be a completely nonsexual act. in that you could do it with people you are not sexually attracted to AT ALL. well you can do it with just about ANYONE, really.

how about this. a dark net market for your local region, so you could essentially buy buy things and then have the person drop them off at a drop spot. stealth. rather than sending Stuff through the Mail. damn.

today i thought, if its impossible for me to luv women, and I REALLY want easy casual secs, i should look at like 45 year old milfs. would prob be easier to bang than 25 year old gurls. who are hard as fookin hell to bang. i need an easier mode. maybe 45 year old women are that mode. but theres a hell of a lot more bangable 25 year old women than 45 year old women! but they might like being a Cougar to a Younger Man hahahaha. not that I would be super young, like a 25 year old Cougar Cub is super young hahahaha.

this is why i d’nate 24 dollars a year to WEEV, so he can Engineer Software to tell white faces from black faces hahahahahahahaha. glad to see george feels in the comments hehehehe. because of this i think george is on the cusp of becoming one of us hehehehe. anyway i agree with weev that we need more pro hwyte, 1433 hackers and programmers and security types. it aint me babe, becuase i FOOKING HATE COMPUTERS. I FOOKING HATE THEM. as far as fixing problems with them, or figuring out how they work, i fooking HATE all that shit. i only like using working computers to use the internets. as far as coding and programming and networks and COMPUTER CAREERS, I HATE that shit. thats why i quit muh education in computers and never continued doing it for fun. BECAUSE IT ISNT FUN AT ALL.

jan 15

good cover of Best Ulver Song here, ol Winterfylleth has been Pinging on muh radar and they do a good version of the iconic song. not much change from original other than changing the lyrics to english. which i dont mind at all.

i think of them in same vein as SAOR, ie semi “pagan” stuff from The British Isles, but seems to be more blasts here. maybe wodensthrone would be better comparison. which is perfectly fine, i appreciate wodensthrone!

heh might get banned for muh inflammatory post on jan 15 hahahaha. i was turning a corner here. from complete despair and sorrow over that woman, to having a little more energy, and anger, little hwyte boi rage hahahaha, and also i was getting back to muh racial roots thank god. that whol debacle took my focus away from where it really matters, ie my people. was so obsessed with HER I couldnt even think of MUH PEOPLE.

heres the next most recent winterfylleth album, sounds pretty good. the main criticism im seeing is that they are “samey” and “boring”, and i could see that happening, but they present a very hwyte, beautiful, awesome   A E S T H E T I C nonetheless.

dnated 5 feckin dollas to the lawyer who defended WEEV and now weev has put out a call to donate to this guy. heh i wont dnate any more but when weev vouches for the guy, that is good enough for me. i look at it as giving a tiny token for keeping weev out of prison for life. i mean he already went to prison. thinking this lawyer was key in helping get him OUT of prison.

the ol legs are a bit sore from the activity i put them thru yesterday. so i will take it easy today.

maybe we SHOULD “PRACTICE” on milf sluts. is it easier to be Confident around a 45 year old milf slut, that around a 25 year old Young Slut?  I think maybe. good chance. good hypothesis. I actually do like this idea. obviously the trick is finding a 45 year old woman who still looks good. probably the ones that do, have a vastly overinflated sense of self worth. just like the 25 year old ones hahahahahaha.

made muh famous Beef N Bacon Chili. it is packed with Protein and Fat hahahahaha. 2.25 lbs of beef, about .75 lbs of bacon (12 oz package), 2.5 cups tomato sauce, 1 cup salsa, 30 oz of beans hahahaha.

trimmed beard to level 2, have been meaning to do that. i was surprised at how much it trimmed off. do this more often so i dont look like a slob. be thankful i have a NEW JOB where i am allowed to have a NEATLY TRIMMED beard. so keep it NEATLY TRIMMED. thankfully it didnt look TOO bad before this.

did i not STRETCH properly yesterday? probably not. i stretched a LITTLE, but it was prob too little, too late.

i know ive linked this before but well worth linking again. very similar to winterfylleth, possibly even better. atmospheric and epic without being huge shoegazing pvssies. plenty of savage blasting. now with moar kvlt factor now that they are RIP. i dont usually like Full Bands but these guys do a good job. good drummer. good guitar playerz.

still think of that woman unfort. how i want to hold her sweaty pasty non potato body hahahaha and gaze into her eyes and have her smile at me and touch her for hours. how do you replace that feel. well women do it very easily. any man will do. i wish she had as fookin HARD of a time replacing ME as I am replacing her. people aren’t that god damn replaceable. they SHOUDNT be.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_Peaks_(2017_TV_series)

so yeah the “third season” of twin peaks IS happening, it IS directed and written by david lynch, and I SHOULD be legit excited for this.

watched some teasers, not much there, other than to hint DIS GON BE GOOD. pretty much all the main people who arent dead. angelo badalamenti is not dead and is doing music. david lynch is not dead thank GOD. but he does look old AF and i hope he’s quit smoking. he is absolutely ridiculous but he never sold out to the J’s as much as other holywood people hehehe.

maybe david lynch did something big in the past couple years and i missed it because i have not been paying attention to movies.

nope, nothing.

anyway i could see myself getting back into movies again. but its a lot harder to do Unpozzed movies or TV than unpozzed music because of all the damn (((people))) involved. theres ALWAYS a you know who in there.

but yeah. that woman. damn. i dont WANT to start something new with a new woman. i wanted things to work out with HER. we already HAD something. i dont WANT to find somebody new. the special feelies i had, they were for HER. and that we had built something together. and i got to know her nice and slowly over a period of several years, not some whirlwind clusterfook of meeting and fooking and dating and hanging out and breaking up and sorrow and jealousy and bitterness that starts and ends in a period of like 3 months, and you never really KNEW the person.

i dont want to go through that with anyone. i want to get to know someone gradually. like i did with her. there was really nothing SUDDEN there. except for the ending. i didnt except the Bottom To Fall Out as suddenly as it did. even me going from “no feelings” to “feelings” was a gradual process that started with me really Facing The Feelings, and considering the feelings. Giving the feelings a chance.

and the idea of meeting some 45 year old slut on tinder, banging her within 2 dates, i dont like when things begin like that. i dont like people who begin things like that. but i am increasingly open to the idea of casual sex with sluts. provided i dont GET feelings for them. i havent got feelings for a slut in like 9 years…..but funny things can happen when you hang out with or bang a gurl. it triggers feelings. that they dont get because theyve been through this SO MANY TIMES.

i luv these. see, it happens ALL THE TIME. male falls in LUV with their female friend. and I would argue, the closer of friends they are, the more likely he is to fall in luv with her. if they are “best friends”, then it’s pretty much 100% gonna happen. not if, but when.  NEVER FORGET THIS.

thankfully reddit did not tell him what an evil person he is. and many people say give yourself some space because when you have feelings , you are not ready to be just friends yet. NO SHIT. I thought this was common sense. yep he needs lots and lots of space.

hehehe well at least i am slightly better than that, i have had 10+ jobs in muh life hahahaha.  and I keep meticulous records of everything my fam gives me, and how much I give back to them, and I continually try to increase the % of what i give them hehehehe. cuz yeah i suppose fam is a bit enabling, but i feel appropriate guilt and shame imho and make a good faith effort to pull some weight and give back, plus if i were kicked out i would prob die or K self or have to suck dick, and its probably better to be a damn mooching neet than SUCKING DICK ON THE STREETS.

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A LITTLE EFFORT IS A LOT BETTER THAN NO EFFORT

april 30

happy halloween, now dont get drunk and have degenerate casual sex with some guy youve known for less than two months hahaha. but thats ok cuz you make a LOT more money than me haha.

you can cope with the stresses of real life and be compensated generously for it. so that makes you better than me hahahaha.

i hate that this success, winner, making more money, better than me, toughness, coping with a tough job component is so tied up with this woman situation. hahaha this is what happens when you work with the woman in a stressful job. all the other women who dumped me and we way more successful than me, well i never worked with them.

and directly failed at the same job that they directly succeeded in.

so yeah i feel like I have been beaten in the contest of life. given the same job, same environment, she succeeded and I failed. DAMN. they dont have a book that teaches you how to deal with that. its humiliating.

HUMILIATING!!!!!!

she wouldnt think twice about taking the good paying job i turned down! she would say yeah call center sucks but I CAN HANDLE IT and thats great money. So ill do it for a while, make some good money.

she doesnt panic and lose confidence and say OH GOD I WONT BE ABLE TO HANDLE THIS!!!!!!!

and I hate her being STRONGER than me like that!!!!!

how can you ever hope to get a woman when they are STRONGER THAN YOU?

i would have been happier if she really STRUGGLED with the job and HATED it and WORRIED about it, like I did. but instead she was like it doesnt really bother me that much any more, I can tolerate it. I felt it was a way of her Asserting Dominance and Superiority over me. even if it really wasnt.

it is like we stopped being on the same team. and she was becoming my antagonistic, hostile master, who wanted to force me out.

i was willing to support her with her struggles. she was not willing to support me with my struggles.

and i thought she would be. she was so nice and caring to me when i wasnt struggling. when i didnt like her, hahaha.

i guess i could have PROVED myself if I took this new call center job.

but it was a bigass gamble. i mean the company seemed really Fishy and they were TOO eager to get me in there. seemed almost too good to be true. They claim they are trying to change the culture for the better….but many reviews say the culture has been changing for the worse in the 2 years since the new owner took over. they are firing people like crazy, and people are quitting like crazy.

but 50 out of 60 people placed by the staffing agency are still there!!!!

yeah I COULD have proven myself….or I could have just gone crazy again.

with her by my side to cuddle and say nice things to me, i probably would have been confident and tough enough to handle it. the way I felt abotu her, i gave her the power to build me up. as well as break me down hahaha. i gave her the key to muh heart hahahaha.

unfortunately many women have a really WEAK LOCK on their Life-Creator, and they don’t really have much of a heart period. or they have such a strong long on their heart that no man can unlock it. but god damn can just about any tough guy get inside their Cheap Life Creator.

the lock on your Life Creator should be just as strong as the lock on your HEART!

it sucks when you WANT to be Accountable at your job….but the people above you are not accountable, and they push you to do so much, that you have to sacrifice your accountability by cutting corners and passing the buck! and you really hate doing this because you know its dishonest and shameful and unfair and just plain wrong, and if it were up to you, your company would be held accountable to fixing the things you’d THINK it was their JOB to fix!

this is why I am very leery of Managed Service Providers and Call Centers.

its SERVICE THEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and the grunts tasked with being the dancing puppets there…..well naturally they are miserable and….

unless they are HER, then they find a way to have a sense of humor abotu it. usually by buying into the culture of unaccountability and saying, NOT MY PROBLEM, IDIOT CUSTOMER. You’re the IDIOT for thinking we can FIX this. next idiot.

I never took that attitude because I felt the majority of the callers WERE reasonable and good faith and not unreasonable idiots. they just wanted shit fixed that really shouldnt be breaking so much. they were just asking for their damn systems to WORK. how is that unreasonable?

sure some callers were dickheads but only a minority. i was angry that she wasnt angry at the higher ups lack of acountability like i was. do you think that is the right thing to do? do you approve of their behavior? dont you want to figure the peoples problems out? or you just listen to music and say sorry cant be fixed. sorry nothing we can do just deal with it.

besides when you are doing livechat, you get the more passive people, and its easier to make them roll over. the people who want something fixed urgently will CALL in not chat. and I dealt with calls exclusively. she dealt with chats exclusively. so in a way i felt like we did have two different jobs, and she had the easier job, and I resented that, right or wrong.

now, chats probably WERE harder than I thought they were. I will grant her that.

but I think it was easier to pass the buck and say “sorry cant fix it” to some milquetoast on chat. where if you told a CALLER that, they would be stubborn and want to speak to a supervisor. which is always a recipe for disaster.

shit should be FIXED so there is no need to speak to a supervisor……and if there is, there should be level 2s available to take the call. they should say, okay transfer that to the level 2 phone line now please. and not fight you tooth and nail over that.  it took me 6 months to even FIND OUT abotu the level 2 phone line, because shit like that was kept SECRET.  maybe if you were a pretty girl they would tell you more secrets.

on chat, it was easier to avoid a problem and hope it went away, without you dealing with it hahahahahaha. out of sight, out of mind! you see what i am getting at here.

when you see a woman acting like a whore, really you have to blame their FATHER. what kind of father lets their daughter grow up to be a piece of meat? just an ass to be POUNDED? wouldnt you take ACTION to make sure your daughter doesnt turn into a piece of degenerate, degraded buttslut filth pig? thats YOUR little princess!

an exception is when a bitch mother alienates a decent father from the childrens lives so the father never gets a chance to keep his daughter from becoming a whore. but I imagine at least half of whores fathers are just plain old deadbeat losers who just dont care.

dont hate the sluts! hate their fathers!

this will help you become less woman hating hahahahaha.

when you hold yourself accountable, you want to make other people be accountable too. especially when people are calling YOU to fix the shoddy work THEY did, and you can’t figure it out. and the other person is hiding, wont respond to your Chats, and you have to get damn permission to transfer a call to anyone. this is ridiculous. ideally I would just call them up, leave a damn voice mail, and then its on THEM, as it should be. that’s not me passing the buck, that’s me transferring a caller to someone who was working on their case who is probably better equipped and authorized to fix their problem than me. I shouldnt have to argue with them to take a second look at something that clearly doesnt work, that they clearly didnt fix. well prove to me i didnt fix it. becuase the caller says the shit is still happened. whats happening. whats the error code. ok thats different. you try to fix that. different issue then. if you cant fix it get it escalated. not my problem anymore. i fixed the issue that was escalated to me. i’m done here. i have other cases to work on.

and we had an honestly Good Team of Good People. we had actually good managers. decent level 2’s and level 3’s. there was good teamwork in our office. the problem was the faceless people in the other offices. when we got called on THEIR work. and also the highest upper management. they sucked. and they applied all the pressure from above and eventually got the place shut down and now 50 people are out of jobs.

how did she handle it so much better? how was she so much stronger than me?

because she smoked a lot of MJ? MJ DOES kinda help with the job. to clear your mind and help you SLEEP. helps you survive each day.

because she wasnt in luv with somebody on the job who was breaking her heart? yeah that had a big part to do with it all!

because she had an easier job and could just tell people to go away nothing we can do and they would just slink off? yeah that too.

maybe this was why she was so good at ignoring Our Problems and not being willing to Deal With Them. her whole job was ignoring problems and not dealing with them and avoiding accountability.

but was it really? was she really that bad? everybody liked her and she probably even got employee of the month. maybe. i dont know that. i really wanted employee of the month, and i had a chance at getting it finally if i had just toughed it out. damn.

maybe she wasnt as shitty of a worker as I paint her, but I was definitely a better worker than her. I was very accountable. Busted my ass to actually solve problems really. busted my ass to learn shit in and out when that was not an easy task because of all the conflicting and secret information. made personal sacrifices to try to get better at my job.

and i was the big loser and she was the big winner.

even if they are closing the shit and she is permanently losing her job.

her confidence is WAYYYYYY higher than mine and I am jealous of that.

confidence is SO important and i hate having none. and her dumping me and having a TON. and besting me at the job. and me freaking out about working in another call center while to her its no big deal. she doesnt freak out. she doesnt feel guilt for breaking peoples hearts and for not being accountable hahaha.

yeah well its GOOD to feel guilt for doing bad things! you know who doesnt? SOCIOPATHS!

but shes clearly NOT a sociopath. shes a good person who just didnt have courage to do one good thing. I might have done the same thing.

well no i wouldnt. I would have written an email at least hahahaha.

how could you have NOTHING TO SAY about all this?

I am offended and hurt by even just that. I have SO MUCH TO SAY about it all. It’s all i can talk or think about for 10 months. I have written 1000000000000000000000000 pages on it. she was right there in the “relationship” with me for 2.7 years and doesnt have ONE GOD DAMN WORD to say about it.

i had a SHITLOAD of things to say because it was IMPORTANT to me. she had NOTHING to say because it was…..not important to her? but i know it WAS at least a LITTLE important to her.

that bothered me too. i knew it was somewhat important to her but she STILL didnt say anything.

here’s a good thing to say:

“Sorry, we don’t have any record of that. it is what it is.”

thats a better way of saying “we dont know, no one knows, and there’s no way to find out, or we’re not willing to spend the time and the money TO find out, because you are just a nobody with an insignificant issue. who cares. no one cares.”

also,

“sorry, we don’t have any timeframe on that. they will call you back / deliver the shit within 48 hours. it is what it is.”

“my supervisor is out of the office today. I can have them call you back within 48 hours. that’s the best we can do. it is what it is.”

and then don’t have the sup call them back, because they wont, and hope the person lets it slide, cuz they rightfully concluded there was nothing anyone could do.

basically everyone is forced to act like no account, r-selected, quantity not quality n1993rs. this is very hard for a proud white man.  whites are the most K-selected race there is, and I am a VERY K-selected white! I dont give a DAMN about quantity! and I hate fast paced shit. I would rather take MORE time to do a better job. But they wont let you stay unpaid because other people’s work depends on YOUR work. you gotta work fast to keep pace with the rest of the TEAM who is moving fast as shit.

And you just can’t say I’ll stay an extra hour unpaid every day if you just let me go a little slower! 90 minutes extra! 2 hours extra! every day! unpaid!

well youre salary so youre expected to work 50 hours a week STANDARD. and NOT SLOWLY. not doing 40 hours of normies work in your slow turtle 50 hours. fook you hit the bricks deadbeat.

and SHE can handle all this, and I cant!!!! that makes me even more bitter and angry against her hahaha. maybe THATS why she dumped me. because I couldnt handle life and I was weaker than her.

Yeah well I couldnt handle life with the other women and they were nicer when they dumped me!!!!! those fookin sluts who took 10000 cox were NICER To me!

heres a good life pro tip: get a spring/fall type light jacket that is NOT a Hoodie. Of course we all like to Wear Hoodies and it’s ok to have one and wear it sometimes, but it also looks very unprofessional, n1993rish, and neetish. just get a damn fleece jacket or something light WITHOUT A HOOD and it looks a lot better to the Powerful Women and Men who make 15 DAH. then they might invite you into their cool kids club one day.

SLUT! YA FOOKIN HOOWA! YOUR CVNT!!!

(type o negative reference again, hahaha.)

maybe i do have bipolar. cuz when i get stressed and panicked I get racing thoughts and dont think straight and think i am going crazy. its SCARY.

therefore, I should try taking lithium and see if it makes me better or worse hahaha.

unless lithium is like 50 dollars a month. no thank you! only 5 dollar a month prescriptions for me!

I thought I meant more to you!!! I KNOW I meant more to you than THIS!!!!!!!

hahahaha. yeah I bet it IS easier to get over somebody when you have a SELECTION of OTHER attractive young suitors. Like if I had 2 or 3 good looking 25 year old women being nice to me and wanting to get my attention and wanting to hang out with me……i would hang out with them and i would see how OTHER women can be nice and attractive too, and SHE wasnt so god damn SPECIAL, and that I will find ANOTHER woman and get over HER very effectively and efficiently.

Like she has a bunch of young men showering her with attention and interest. She has forgotten all about me. I was just another dork showering her with interest and attention. nothing special there.

i can understand rejecting a persons luv interest. but to harshly abandon/ DESERT somebody, thats never called for. unless you are abusing them and they need to ESCAPE from your evil. maybe I was abusing her mentally and emotionally with my passive aggressive manipulation hahaha.

I’ll never know!!!!!!

But I do wonder if she will respond to our mutual friend ever, and what she will say to that mutual friend if the mutual friend mentions My Side of the Story.

basically I want the mutual friend to side with ME and not with HER hahahahaha.

i was watching doc martin and he was having trouble with his wife who up and left him. he went nuts and finally she came back. he started going to a Shrink to work on himself and on the relationship. the shrink recommended doing a session with both of them. the Doc agreed and tried to persuade his wife, but she basically said, no, not right now, I think you need to solve your own issues first, I dont need to go.

which was very bitchy and dumb of her to basically give up on the relationship like that and say its all HIS fault, I’m not willing to go to the shrink because HE’s the one with the problem, not me.

So I kinda felt like that. i mean I felt like the doc, and she was like his wife, who was like NOPE NOT MY PROBLEM.  HE’S gotta do all the work.

but at least they still talked to each other and remained married. and she eventually went. within like 2 episodes. and they began doing what the shrink said. like hugging each other and saying 3 nice things about each other. every day. wow I wish my female friend could have done that hahahaha. even hugging her was asking too much. but boy she likes being fooked by cool guys she just met! (no proof but many/most/average women do. you dont know if this guy is a serial killer, yet you will play the life creation game with him. if you create a new life, no problem, you can just murder it, and dump the guy, and find a new guy to play the life creation game with. maybe spread some disease but dont let anyone tell you that’s shameful because its not, its all about you, and everything you want is ok and good.)

bitter much? U ASSMAD? yes i am hahahaha.

birth control and abortion have made both men and women ignorant of the value of human life, and this is very sad for women, because they have a much bigger responsibility in the creation of human life. do they care? no. just fook and abort and throw unborn children and full grown men away, find another man to create unborn children to murder. fooking EVIL shit. hell on earth. it is THE ENEMY who is behind this EVIL.

no problem, just smoke MJ and forget it all.

no need to be truly repentant for the people you’ve hurt. just FORGET about it! its in the PAST! if you hurt someone again in the future, you can just forget about that too! Get over it! That’s what getting over stuff is! you just forget it ever happened, learn nothing from it, and never feel guilt or shame, becuase you can do no wrong, and even if you could, you’d have a damn good reason, and it would all be ok. you should never feel bad for the things youve done.

youre a woman, women are below men in the power kyriarchy, men have punched down on women long enough, so its JUSTICE when a woman punches UP against a man.

heh i wish i had gotten closer with her family, her mother, so I could really “USE” the mother to go to bat for me. not use use her, but “leverage” her to talk some SENSE into her daughter. the mother was on the path to liking me. but i just hadnt had enough quality time with the mother to get the mother all the way on my side.

well its not about TAKING SIDES.

i agree, it SHOULDNT be. if she had made ANY effort, it wouldnt be such a HOSTILE situation, it would be much less about taking sides.

well her idiocy and weakness and selfishness and disappointingness is finite, but GODS luv and mercy and goodness is INFINITE.

you dont need a mother or father or anyone to tell you that this is not the right way to end a relationship. anyone with any sense at all knows that. i think she had enough sense to know that, she just didnt have the courage. the will. the STRENGTH. she didnt have the strength to do that but she was stronger than me at the job and in most other areas of life. DAMN.

even though doc martins wife is a huge stubborn in the wrong bitch, she STILL makes SOME sort of effort to spend time with him and not abandon him completely hahaha. this is no doubt giving him some sort of hope. just her being around. as uncooperative and bitchy and wrong as she is.

i like how there is the gang of hawt mean gurls in the town who all make fun of doc martin and call him a pervert and a tosser and they dress like sluts and act like total cvnts. even though hes not a pervert at all, just an autist.

 

 

MAKE DA MONAY

march 5

oh yeah. i mean i could go back to my sh1tty job when they rehire me, because it WILL be chiller at that time, there will be less phone calls, AND I will know the stuff better. really what I needed was a vacation, hehehe, maybe even as short as a week. just a few days off, mental health days, seriously, hehehe. it was good making money. just wish the place was chiller. just going into the big room with 100 people on phones, all noisy and ringing and talking, was not chill. or if i could just take calls for an hour, then the next hour do data entry or nontalking projects, cleaning, then an hour of phones, then an hour off, then hour on, hour off, hour on, that would be a lot more doable. but all day on PHONES is KILLER.

still got to update my linkedin, and update my mock interview script with exact answers.

study some Betting / Odds Charts to give you ideas of how/when to bet. Esp if you are a visual learner like me and you NEED to see a picture.

Texas Holden Preflop Chart Lg

of course no chart is perfect. I called and called on KJ suited and got RAEPED. lost like 3 dollars just now. but it was close, i was killed by the KICKER.

bbbbbut what do you do after the flop? well you keep raising and win….or lose. hehehe

yep i already something something. lost 4 dollars and rebought in with 4 dollars. just because that was a BAD beat. but on my other table I’m ahead 3$!!!!

oh yeah. I already DO have a gambling problem, it’s official, I admit it. The good news is that I Promise I will never play higher than micro-stakes tables.

march 6 2014

, yeah def a gamb prob. given the choice between taking a NAP and GAMBLING, 50% of the time I may gamble. assuming I have been laid off and have the time to have the LUXURY of CHOOSING either of two lazy leisure activities!!!

BUT I LOVE taking a nap in the early afternoon, a true SIESTA if you will. maybe i will get sick of doing that in a week….but i don’t think so. yesterday i opted to take a mid afternoon nap, rather than gamble, and it was great.

all instead of productive career work! I just can’t be fixed! A hopeless case, amirite??!?!?!!?!

but my protip of the day is, take your laptop computer into the toilet as you do your morning business, which, when you get older, can take like 20 minutes. use that time to check email, weather, blogging (heh). It’s really not THAT disgusting as long as your bathroom is moderately clean and you’re not wiping faeces all over the computer. and it certainly passes the time quite well while you are in there. normally i play a reversi game on the phone but this is MUCH better. heh. it is kinda like having a Smart Phone or Tablet. I am the only person in the world without a smart phone, and I don’t care, however I do care about not being able to make enough money to afford the LUXURY of a smart phone. how do all these people make that much money? How do they ALL get so Gainfully Employed is the big question I’m asking.

thursday march 6

i went back to my old job to visit and was encouraged by the boss to take this certain step which would help me in getting a sweet FT job there. I took it to heart. I noted that this step is nowhere to be found on the jobs website, they said yep that’s right, and very few FT jobs are posted on that website, which I had also noticed. nope. you have to get in a special pool to actually even KNOW about the good job openings. very interesting, I thought. I wonder if other medium-sized organizations do this too. have the job openings be secret: have the crappy jobs you post to the public, and then the decent jobs you post to the secret ingroup.

and then i got home to find somebody emailed me about a temp tech job. heh. and i was kinda looking forward to my 8 weeks off! unless I could find a better job. which an FT at old place would be. but a temp job….well it could be chiller, less phones, less stress, and work from home, NOICE. But if I couldn’t turn it into something more permanent, and I don’t even know the money.

and last night I was socializing playing a social game with some friends who are great guys but I not super duper “intimate” with them per se, anyway it slipped out what one of the guys Makes, he is trying to get a new better job too, advance in his career, and turns out he was making Moar in his current job than I thought he was. quite a bit more. like at least 10 grand more than I thought he was.  He is making Seriously Good Money Right Now, that I can only Hope to be making when I am 40, in his late twenties.

Anyway, point is, it made me get greedy and say, Damn Right I’m Entitled to 12 bucks an Hour! (i was making more than than at my new job, thank GOD) but for a low stress job I would gladly go down to 12 bucks.

Of course, this guy makes WAY more than I do, AND he is way less stressed, he goes out and does things, goes to the gym, goes out and socializes, doesn’t need to sleep all the time… he is the antithesis of a lazy loser, he is a busy winner, and it doesn’t drain him or make him an intolerable douchebag who is no fun to be around.

except he might get a masters degree, but this would actually HELP him, and so I would be a bit jealous. and of course i am a bit jealous already! but he is a good guy.

BRETTY GOOD WEEK, 4/5!!!

wed dec 18 2013 2pm

writing right in wordpress. first blogging since started new job. gotta leave bretty soon. will get 10 precious minutes of blogging. used to have a real slow chillaxed job where I could go to google drive and blog without getting fired. now drive is blocked. course I am PLANNING on being on edge for at LEAST THREE MONTHS until I know the lay of the land. the ins and outs. just the ADJUSTMENT is stressful. going into muh third day here.

first day I say no less than Twenty-Five Hail Marys before going in. on the drive over, in the car, etc. First day went bretty good. had introductions. i know you hate intros too, but I did a decent one, go and do likewise: I announced straight up that I was Kind Of Shy and that it takes me a Little While to get comfortable with New People, but once you get to know me, you’ll see that I’m really a nice and friendly guy, but if at first I seem a little weird, it is just because I am nervous and shy at a new job, don’t take it personally. I said all that in a non spag pockets way.

Then I gave a polished, WHITEWASHED version of muh history, what job I had before, what I am “going to school” for, ie “computers.” Over and done in 20 seconds and everybody thought I was normal, and maybe just a little shy and nervous, like I had just said. and then they went around the room and forgot about me, hehehe.

Heck there was one or two people in the class of new hires that had a MASTERS DEGREE. Couple people with Bachelors Degrees, lots of people Working on Bachelors Degrees, some useful, some not, heck one lady with a Masters Degree had it in something Useful and Interesting that I usu associate with 60k and up jobs, real solid Middle Middle Class Jobs!!! and here she was at MY job, a Middle Middle Working Class Job at best. Maybe Lower Middle Working Class.

I LUV MY CLASS RANKING SYSTEM, DON’T YOU????

You got Working, Middle, and then Upper? Bourgeois? Elite? Heck you and me will NEVER be in that class, so it is irrelevant. (Actually I think Upper Middle Class would count as “Bourgeois” for my definition: Successful Lawyers, Successful PhD‘s, Medical Dockers, etc.)

But I focus mainly on Working and MIddle Obv. Each of these is divided into Three Thirds: Upper, Middle, and Lower.

Lately I’ve taken to dividing THOSE thirds into thirds just to be Super Ridiculous.

Hence, Lower Middle Working Class, or MIddle Lower Middle CLass, hehehehehehe.

saturday dec 21

well finally had a day off. damn getting my BODY used to this schedule is a big challenge. And it also is a big challenge LEARNING the job because they are making us learn A LOT. A LOT more than I did in muh previous job. orders of magnitude. at least 3 or 4 times more, at least. I thought I was getting paid a LOT, and indeed it is a big increase, but now I think Gee, I should be making at least one more dollar an hour if we’re expected to do all this! It seems very hard and complicated and potentially stressful. I know right away that I do not want to be there more than a year, unless I am getting a decent raise or promotion.

Now it might be difficult to find a chiller job that pays MORE, heck it WILL be difficult to find ANY job that pays more, but here’s the good news:

On the first day I was crapping muh pantz and saying 900000000000000 hail marys. day 2 I was still nervous but not as much. day 3, still nervous, but even better than day 2. by day 5, I felt the best I had all week. Confident and Happy. I still said a few hail marys mind you! but being able to improve on a DAILY BASIS has been very “empowering.” if a huge loser like ME can do it, ANYONE can, so can YOU!

nonetheless I have been using a few tricks to Play It Smart, and I will Share My Secrets Here:

I have been doing a lot of what I’ve said here before. I look for really nice people and just get them talking. Also, remembering people’s names is huge. in a classroom of 30 people we all have name cards and I have memorized 90% of the people’s names in 5 days. I will smile at them and say something like “Hi, Name, How Are You Today?” and 90% of the time, that is enough to get a great response out of them. I will sit there an say mm hmm, mm hmm, yeah, yes, ok, absolutely, sure, mm hmmm, and the other big thing is to stare them right in the eyes, which I have never been good at, but I convinced myself it is the secret to success on a new job, and indeed it has helped tremendously. they won’t suspect you of being a Weirdo if you’re looking them dead in the eyes! even if you are just saying mm hmm over and over again.

best of all, after a few mm hmms you do eventually come up with something to say or a question to ask!

I also brought in a bag of candy on day 3 and began passing it out. say would you like some candy, name, and 99% of the time they will say OH THANK YOU, (your name!) or ask your name if they don’t know it.

we stay bretty busy, so the socializing conversations don’t need to last long.

and you can always talk about THE NEW JOB that is NEW for ALL OF YOU, heck I haven’t mentioned muh personal story at all.

other people will come forward with tons of personal details. I am using a word document to take notes during the training, and I am ALSO TAKING NOTES ON THE PEOPLE: their names, ages, where they’ve worked before, do they have any kids, what’s their education, just anything and everything about them, and about 80% of that is coming from them unprompted, I don’t even have to THINK about it.

I am also getting good info about people just LISTENING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME TALK about themselves. take more notes on that. into muh notes it goes.

so def do all that, ESPECIALLY if you have a CLASS of a bunch of new hires, I am thankful I am in that situation, rather than being Just One New Guy. But this is a HUGE office is all I’ll say. I guess being The One New Person wouldn’t be so bad if there were “only” ten people in the office/team/crew. and you could absolutely use these same or similar tactics.

Also wearing muh new non crappy clothes helps too.

It has also made me more productive. like one day I made muh yearly doctor’s appointment, or did errands, and even on muh WELL DESERVED DAY OFF, I got a TON of IMportant Personal Stuff Done: wrote great email to old friend, went SHOPPING for xmas and went to KOHLS to RETURN one thing and buy 2 MORE clothes, a nice sonoma poplin shirt, and a nice pair of sonoma pants, both $20, which I felt was a pretty good deal for the quality of the stuff. KOHLS IS A MAGIC BULLET.

I admit, $20 is a lot for a SHIRT, but when you never buy clothes and really need clothes like moi, it becomes a better ROI!

it was the saturday before xmas and it was bretty packed with people, but I did not stand in the checkout like for more than 10 minutes. I even made polite small talk with the cute 18 yo girl at the register, which is a DIRECT RESULT of me talking to more people at muh new job this week.

It is good to get thrown into a swim or sink situation, BECAUSE that’s actually a misnomer, you will actually probably SWIM. the odds are 90% in your favor that you will swim and not sink, EVEN IF YOU ARE NERVOUS.

and the trainers have anticipated and acknowledged that some of us will be nervous as we start doing the actual job, which does involve a lot of talking to people, unfortunately.

but now i am seeing it is EASIER to talk to people and I am GETTING BETTER AT IT.

I even talked to a CUTE GURL for a minute, hehehe.

So yep. learn everyone’s name, USE everyone’s name, be nice to everyone, say hi how are you, pull their talk string, say mm hmm mm hmm and keep them talking, use Solid Eye Contact, when somebody teaches you something, say “THANKS NAME! I Appreciate It Buddy!” and just be a Real Nice Guy.

AAAANNNNNNDDDDDD I actually Emailed one of my Internet Heroes like I was thinking of doing. I actually feel a little nervous about this because I wrote kinda a long email and not the best email, however hopefully he’ll take it the right way. I was offering to donate money to him as a little gift for him doing so much good work over the years, so I wanted to give him a little Tip for the holidays, something to buy lunch or a drink. I will report back on how this turns out. I also said that in the future I might like to talk to him on the phone, because that WOULD be a great idea, I just don’t want to do it right now. So I said to him, how about in 3 months or so.  Still waiting for a response, told him to take his time, take a month, take 2 months to get back to me, no rush.

so do stuff like all this. think of ways you can be nice to people.