IT IS LIKE LOSING A CHILD

make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.

album

and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5213un/my26f_ex28m_ghosted_and_now_is_happy_with_someone/

https://bu.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.

 

hehehehehehe

lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.

 

13 DOLLARS AN HOUR

aug 31

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

http://pastebin.com/xUh6Djef

put this in sidebar, i want to caputre the worst article ever AND a few hundred comments

nymag open marriage cuckoldry article by sonmore

INFAMOUS

http://pastebin.com/67FxT9wi

here is the sequel / follow up with the man and his “wife.”

the first article is timeless, classic, godawful, and i will put it in the sidebar As A Ghastly Monument (Ruins of Beverast reference/credit.)

i might be moving Towards A New Cover Letter Hermeneutic where the new Way is really to hit them HARD with a Fully Tailored, Individualized First Paragraph that cups their balls and sucks their dick and appeals to their mission and demonstrates my passion for their company and how i can add value and increase profitability by specifically matching the requirements of the specific job, in the culture of this specific company, addressing these particular pain points, and why i am THE SINGLE BEST CANDIDATE out of millions, and this, and no others, IS my Dream Career.

in other words, REALLY step up my Tailoring of the CL. I tailor the CL a TINY bit, changing a few words or sentences each time. so, do more than that.

also, attempt to aim for the Average Salary of my state, and NOT the whole US, which is 28k, and my state is a LITTLE below that.

yeah 12 to 16 is a ridiculous range to give. i should just say 12 to 14.

or 12 to 13 hahahaha.

people who have college careers and make 40k + cringe at talk like this. they never mention numbers. i mention numbers ALL DAY.

yeah i guess i used to think it was VULGAR too. but now I just think its Keeping It Really Real. How Much Does The Market Say You Are Worth?

no its not the sum total of Who You Are…..but it DOES tell me a LOT about what Your Employer thinks you are Worth, and What Kind of Life you live, and probably the type of people you associate with.

(People tend to associate with people who make about the same amount of MONEY as they do. So I feel a little weird when people who make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, huge winners, invite me to hang out with them. Of course I accept the invitation graciously.)

so yeah fook this 15 dollars an hour bullshit. i am willing to pay my dues and make 13 dollars an hour like the people in muh subaverage state. those fancy phaggots in joo york and phag phagcisco can take their 15 dollars an hour and pozz each others assholes with it. besides in those cities it costs 600000k per month to live in a one room shack tiny house, and it costs 90000000$ for a package of ramen. no thanks.

if a man is complaining about COMMUNICATION all the time, and his wife/gf is never WILLING to COMMUNICATE, and she’s always SHUTTING ME OUT, and so DISTANT, and putting up a WALL, she has to be willing to COMMUNICATE, well then thats him signalling that HE has HUGE communication issues, he’s projecting, HE’S really the one who doesnt know how to COMMUNICATE hahahaha.

i was watching married at first sight and derek was complaining about his distant, unwilling, stubborn, bitchy horrible (but very bangable) wife, who simpyl would not give him a chance. he is kinda a douchebag but he had some GREAT points about communication, where I nodded my head vigorously and said YES. YASSSS. THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

and hes also right that she is no spring chicken at 33, but my god she has a very fookable ass hahahahahahaha. she has to be in the top 10% of attractiveness for 33 year old women. I would DESTROY her.

and this derek is a pretty masculine man too, i’m sure he would destroy her too, but thats how stubborn she is. she probably would have gladly let him destroy her 5 years ago. now im not sure what she wants. probably a total beta bucks sort of guy. she probably WANTS the total doormat that says anything you want hunny. but i have to wonder, who does she want For SECS, at this moment? she’s always gonna want the masculine guy for secs. so why not have secs with her masculine husbando derek?

unless she’s such a sleazebag that she needs TWO or more men. alpha fooks, beta bucks, and never the twain shall meet. i guess she’s never experienced a best of both worlds alpha who is masculine AND makes a ton of money. but  she’s hawt enough to pull such a man (albeit not necessary without sharing him), and doesnt she meet plenty of powerful men as a Stewardess? like the powerful alpha men in First Class and such?

so yeah i am most fascinated in this couple. then sonia and nick a distant second, and i dont really care about the third couple hahahaha.

basically a 33 year old woman with no children is guaranteed to be SUPER CRAZY. her body is telling her to have a baby RIGHT NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE and you have to keep that in mind. i guess its ok if you want to have a baby right now too. but its gonna be real hard to have MULTIPLE babies with this woman. she shoulda started having babies AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO.

fulton sheen on difference between BAD, and EVIL.

 

hilarious first hour with moishe, not sure if florian mentions the sheen story in this one though

start at 1:47:00. this is exactly where florian makes the point about fulton sheen. this is probably the single best episode of nationalist review EVAR: a full hour of moishe being absolutely ridiculous, natt being natt, a bit by “degenerate dan”, a full discussion and reading of that horrendous nymag cuckold article, AND florian uses that to introduced sheen’s point:

that a bad man simply does bad things, sins, like lie, cheat, steal, hurt, kill.

but a truly EVIL man actively and intentionally works to undermine truth, beauty, and goodness ITSELF. true evil seeks to portray vice as virtue. like the cuckold husband who does disgusting mental gymnastics to portray his cuckoldry as True Luv for his wife. true evil just makes a disgusting mockery of truth, beauty, and goodness.

i didn’t actually hear sheen’s actual story, just florian describing it. but i’ve seen plenty of sheen, and he is pretty badass, and the more i hear of florian, the more i like/luv him. he is possibly the new fulton sheen for 2016 alt right. and he is a very young man, like 23 years old. AND he is in seminary to become a catholic priest. AND he is alt right and joo wise and insanely, autistically smart. AND he has created a better joo character than morrakiu, with moishe the mossad handler.

ok florian is definitely in contention to be man of the year 2016 hahahahaha. i sort of wish he wasn’t becoming a priest so he could have white children. but I like the idea of a 1488 catholic priest too.

shit i would say become a priest and have children ANYWAY. let them kick you out.

actually i think you can become a priest AFTER you have children.

florian should def have children. but I very much appreciate him being a MAN OF GOD.

his regular voice is a little autistic, but he is SUCH a great awesome guy it doesnt even matter. this guy is SO good.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fulton_J._Sheen

so yeah. listen to that whole episode. if its not SHUT DOWN by the time this post posts. im downloading that shit again.

the best thing ive heard lately that isnt the fatherland hahahaha. well it does have ryan from the fatherland and i luv him too. great, great men. I would LUV to go to a trs convention and meet these guys.

https://radio.therightstuff.biz/2016/08/31/the-daily-shoah-100-ep-88-part-13-of-14-a-hundred-a-hundred-twenty-episodes/

millennial woes on the new daily shoah!!! (100th episode!) NOICE!! I hope he uses some N words and K words and F words and such and isnt such a nice guy hahaha. i dont think hes even been on the shoah before. ITS ABOUT TIME.

sept 1

had weird dream that i was a Rookie Police Officer just starting out, getting On The Job Training from the guys, and I was very quickly On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown, and was very anxious like, whoa guys, i think i’m in over my head, i don’t think im TOUGH ENOUGH to handle this, maybe i’m not cut out for this job, maybe I should quit, I mean really, I dont have it in me! you need a tougher guy!

and the guys were all tough but also generally in favor of me not quitting I think, or they would disrespect me as an inferior pvssy if i quit, and were like, yeah its tough at first, but you just gotta TOUGHEN UP, gotta TUFF GET GOING, gotta not let it bother you, power through it, etc and other platitudes.

i think for most Cops though there is better training than what i experienced in the dream. like when you pay 20 grand to go to Police Academy, that’s where they train you for like 12 weeks hehehehe on all the aspects of being a Cop.

also cops get ongoing paid training because of like lawsuits and shit. peoples lives are at stake, its one of those jobs, like doctors and nurses and shit. lives are in your hands. people could die, and that means million dollar lawsuits, thus you implement official training pogams to Cover Your Ass.

unlike some companies where you dont need to cover your ass so much, and you can Screw and Joo customers with impunity, so it DOESNT MATTER if your people are trained. and the advice from management is, do what you need to do to get them on their way and make/save time and money.

thankfully i never had to Upsell Add On Products and shit. but the employees I was Supporting sure did. and they were generally as poorly trained as we were, and there they were talking to the ACTUAL customers. pressured by THEIR managers to try to sell the customers shit they REALLY didnt need, and also not understanding the products. yet trying to sell them. to people who didnt need them. when the products themselves were overpriced shady bullshit that were thoroughly jooish to the core. buy this extra advanced warranty goy. just in case. only 50 dollars more. just in case of a worst case scenario.

also the company was in general, dying. there is talk the company will be sold. but its a publicly traded company with shareholders. can you have a reverse IPO where a once public company becomes privately held again? i guess you can do esoteric shit with stock buybacks or stock splitting or something.

i guess theoretically the stock price could go SO low, and then there are Equity Firms who might gobble up a Majority Ownership of the company.

i dont know, I don’t have an MBA, I only have like 25 credits of Business Classes, hahahahaha.

which is more than Average, 13 dollar an hour normies have!

but you can also get an ok business sense from working at a company for a few years and just talking to people.

at my company, there was tons of rumors and speculation, among the more savvy people like me, that were even interested in speculation about why was the company doing this, rather than being like idk ikr lol weed lmao.

people like me who were frustrated and wanted to understand why the company and our department was such an egregious, backwards, shameful, disorganized, mismanaged clusterfook, and how it could be improved. well, more training, more actual legit experts who knew what they were doing, more time and money, more quality people actually improving actual quality, more testing, more actual listening to customers, much better executive management who understood the importance of IT as being more than just a Cost Center, etc.

standard!

but yeah its just horribly frustrating to have an angry, stressed person pushing you to fix their problem, because youre supposed to be the expert, fixing problems is your job, and you have no idea what you’re doing, and you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, becuase you really don’t, and you can’t appeal to a Subject Matter Expert in a way that is actually useful for either you or the customer. Most customers would be jsut fine if you said, wow, this is a pretty complex problem, here’s Joe Flabeetz, he’s been here for 2 years and really knows what he’s doing, Joe is great. its much worse when you say, i dont know what to do, let me talk to Joe, and then you “talk” to Joe in a shitty chat room where he is helping 20 other lost souls like you, telling you stuff that doesnt make sense. then you go back to the customer and try to do that thing, and explain it.  NATURALLY, UNDERSTANDABLY, they wonder, can’t you just get Joe over here? he clearly knows what he’s doing, you clearly don’t, so just get him on the case.

but one does not simply just get a SME on the case. because they are just as busy as we are and are not gonna escalate a case without a fight.

you could probably turn newbies into SME’s quicker with REGULAR TRAINING. but again, thats millions of dollars for people who want to get out of here ASAP anyway. or they can just go mad and snapquit like me hahahaha.

it all makes perfect sense: DONT SPEND MONEY IF YOU DONT ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

the company can afford to not support their employees, shit they can afford to some extent to provide shitty, overpriced, screwjob jooish service to their customers. anything you can get away with. no exchanges, no refunds. all sales final. don’t like it, complain to the better business bureau bitches. don’t like it, do this shit yourself or go to our competitors.

see thats going too far though! why would you knowingly push your customers towards your competitors?

AND THATS WHY THE COMPANY IS FAILING. it used to be a successful, reputable company. now it is a sinking ship and more people can’t ignore that.

so yeah, i think a large part of why my experience was SO NEGATIVE was the culture of the company, being a large “big dog” old school company that was starting to fail on a massive scale. i mean they will implement retarded changes on a daily basis, yet be so Entrenched that they wont implement the actual Radical change needed. just do stupid spazzout bandaid fire putout bullshit. nothing meaningful, nothing that is good for the long term. short term only.

heh. that woman didnt care. she was just like go with the flow, dont let it bother you, dont bother me about it, i dont care, idk lol, dude weed lmao.

i mean women are not well equipped to have logical, sensible, reasonable, insightful thoughts about Business anyway……… but with all these educated women in careers, i think they can at least go through the motions of talking about business.

well, we did not have alot of those type of women in our department hahaha.

so i’m saying i prefer a more business savvy woman?

NO….i don’t even prefer a more intelligent woman. shit she was intelligent ENOUGH. i think she COULD have been taught to be more business savvy, not that she needed be…..

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, really I just wanted her to talk to me more, be nicer to me, and just have a HALFWAY decent conversation about Our Jobs and Our Company!!!!!!! don’t you have an OPINION on this retardation! it affects you as much as it affects me! and she probably DID have an opinion! she just didnt want to talk to me any more. and i was very upset about that. her withdrawing from me and building a huge wall.

so yeah that was deffo the root issue hahahaha.

and I was very frustrated because I was aware of that root issue, and trying to resolve it, and getting NOWHERE, because I needed cooperation and willingness from her, and she refused to get it.

lets meet, lets sit at the table together, talk, and try to MAKE A DEAL. lets negotiate and compromise and both leave unhappy hahahahahahahahaha. and i was sitting at the table all day waiting for her to show up, and she just no called no showed the whole time.

so yeah that why i was very upset hahahaha.

dont just say dont let it bother you. get a thicker skin. believe me I would love to.

now, I had great conversations with a couple of my male friends at the job, and we all should have been promoted to level 3 and never have to take a call ever again hahahaha. make 18 bucks an hour hahaha.

i wasnt asking her to be as insightful as us, i just wanted her to give SOME effort into thinking about this. i mean it was stupid NOT to have righteous indignation over it, and to just say dont let it bother you, and smoke MJ. you can smoke MJ and still have opinions about this ridiculousness! and partially i was JEALOUS of her ability to DISCONNECT from the job like that, do it so Coolly, yet still miraculously do a “good” job and be liked by everyone. well yeah she was a likeable person hahahaha.

ishould probably give agalloch a second try. should i listen to the above album or “the mantle.” i was torn. i went to youtube and tried to compare the Productions, which one sounded better. they both sounded pretty close but maybe this one has a 5% stronger guitar sound. also, i technically tried listening to “the mantle” like 4 years ago and i was like, yeah this is ok, but i guess im not in the mood for something like this.

i guess now at least i am in the mood to give them a try again. i guess i want something thats like beautiful atmospheric black metal, but very melodic and very easy to listen to, with immediately catchy riffs and melodies and songs. but without being so NEW that it gets TOO much into “post rock” or “blackgaze”. something old enough that it was around when I was young and actually interested in music. the mantle came out in 2002, which is right in my wheelhouse yearwise, this one came out in 2006, when i had stopped caring about music, well, thats not true. i recall i was keeping up on the current work of katatonia and goatwh0re. but not being super duper into it, or into anything. lots of drinking. damn. increasing amounts of drinking. stupid. i stopped caring about new music, or music in general, some dark days.

so 2002 was really a much better year for me music wise than 2006…..but ive already heard a bit of the mantle, and if i like ashes against the grain, i’ll try the mantle. also the mantle is like 68 minutes long, which is way too long for an album. ashes is 59 minutes. still way too long, but better than 68.

and of course in 2014 and much of 2015 i was not interested in music so much either, because worrying about the job, or i was devastated by my loss and failure hehehehe. so i guess ive rebounded to a kind of peak right now of interest in music, as in trying to find NEW music, which is remarkable, cuz much of the time i like to Build A Wall and say yep ive got more than enough music thank you, dont need any new stuff. there’s nothing good left out there. its all hipster phaggot degenerate bullshit. theres plenty of stuff  from before 2000 i havent listened to yet.

and its FINE to close the ranks and circle the wagons….but i dont want to do that more than half of the time. i would always like to be SOMEWHAT open to new music.

and agalloch i think is right in line with stuff that i have enjoyed. like when i was young i enjoyed opeth a lot, i still enjoy their older stuff, and i have always enjoyed “in the woods….” a norwegian sorta black metal group from the 90s that was atmospheric and progressive and avant garde when those things werent NEARLY as cool as they are now.

heh like the other day i wanted to listen to hammerfall and i only ended up listening to the first two songs on the album. and that album was only like 40 minutes. perfect length.

went to jcpenneys. it was a mixed bag. i had high hopes.  saw some beautiful high school girls in there with their Moms for Back 2 Skool shopping. nothing wrong with a 35 year old man ogling 16 year old gurls hahahahahaha.  at that age you really want to Protect and Provide for them, and you would Happily swear an oath to their Faithful Fathers that you would not bang them until they are 18, or if the father really wanted grandchildren, then you could have him sign off for age 17, and you would promise to not frivolously divorce her hahahahahaha. and she would promise to not frivorce YOU really.

so yeah you dont look at the beautiful 16 year old gurl and say “yeah id like to pump and dump that trashwh0re, ride hard and hang them up wet” the way you would say about a 30 year old skank. you say “damn i wouldnt mind MARRYING that gurl and having her be the mother of my children. Assuming she’s not ALREADY a huge slut. Let’s have a talk with her father.”

90s and 00s metal. that was my thing. i’m not sure i even lasted 10 good years. but 1996 to 2003 for sure might have been my best years.

in terms of The West, those were not great years. especially 96 to 2001 hahahaha. the late 90s was the high of nihilism and decadence and degeneracy where shit was probably just as bad as it is NOW, except people were more despairing. shit was BAD, although things werent AS Sexualized, and attitudes about Gays were definitely a bit better. but there was nothing to hold onto. there was no alt right. there was no hope for the youth, which i was one. the music was especially shitty. it reflected the nihilism and lack of general quality perfectly. stuff like groove metal and nu metal and korn. well at least there was a ton of catchy alternative pop type stuff. i shoulda got into that more at the time.

there seemed to be much less red pilled young people then. people were not waking up fast enough.

and i do think 911 in 2001 was a bigass paradigm shift, the beginning of a new era, a time of awakening. the sleeping nihilist giant awakens and then stumbles around in confusion for about 10 more years hahahaha. trying to shake off that nihilism and sense of no purpose. trying to figure out what was going on and what to do about it.

for me at least, the internet did not become a HUGE thing until after 2000. from like 98 to 00 we used slow dialup shit and i was already a degenerate, looking at jooish filth and actually reading Erotic Stories. which I guess is slightly less jooish. playing doom and quake. writing ridic stories of me finding a Nice GF and having a traditional monog longterm rel at age 15 hahahaha. see, my main goal was not degenerate.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1990s&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

hahahaha i have been looking at these goddamn RYM lists for like a month straight trying to find the perfect album to listen to

like here is the best metal (incl all subgenres) for the 90s.

http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart?page=1&chart_type=top&type=album&year=1996&genre_include=1&include_child_genres=1&genres=Metal&include_child_genres_chk=1&include=both&origin_countries=&limit=none&countries=

you can also put in an exact year like 1996 hahahahahaha

also i wanted to say that listening to the daily shoah for the first time in a while (well i did listen when fatherland jim guest hosted a few weeks ago), is that i must remind myself not to forget how powerful mike enoch is. i mean he is really smart and just says the most interesting, smartest, most awesome things. i guess its easy to forget because his voice is ridiculous and he sounds like seth roganblatt. but the things he says are just amazing. here he is doing a 80 hour work week, hasn’t had time to read the news or do anything but work his tech job, and he comes onto TDS and is pretty high energy and very very solid and convincing in the things he was saying, just having very very good conversations where he is contributing most of the quality.

not to crap on seventh son or special guest millennial woes, but yeah this is enoch’s show and he is very very good at what he does. needs to trim down the number of people so he can dominate the conversation any more. him, SS, and MW would have been ideal.

heh i saw my confirmation email for applying to a part time job, and thought OH NO THATS THE FASTEST REJECTION EMAIL EVER!! and then laughed when i realized it was just the CONFIRMATION email that they had received my application. awesome job though hahahahaha. 30 hours a week, 15 dollars an hour, right when i have officially announced that 13 dollars is my new goal, that 15 is out of my league hehehehe.

ITS OFFICIAL. MY PRICE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE DOWN TO 13 DOLLARS AN HOUR. THAT IS MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. hahahaha. no silly, that’s just my worth to the MARKET of human beings!!!!!

at the gas station today I saw a white man arguing pretty rudely with the poor clerk making 9 hourly. i couldnt see the clerk because they were in this little glass booth. it was one of those gas stations that doesnt even have an inside, and the cashier is in a tiny booth/shack. there was a huge line behind this white guy who….i couldnt tell what was going on. it sounded like he was getting charged 36 dollars when he disputed it and thought he should be charged 26, and he wasn’t gonna pay a penny more. he was maybe early 30s and had a stupid mohawk like haircut and tattoos all over his arms. good job. i really hope the clerk was not white, but even if they WERE nonwhite, they didn’t deserve this kinda treatment, and I was a bit ashamed that a fellow white man could be such a dickhead to a poor miserable gas station clerk. Whites are supposed to be Polite Customers. its blacks and arabs who are Asshole Customers.

I thought about going up to the clerk and apologizing hahahahaha. well, not apologizing, but sorry you had to go through that. I know you weren’t trying to do anything wrong. he was way out of line. he’s an asshole.

go get your manager. uhhhh the managers not here today. i’m not sure when he will be back. i can’t do anything for you. well then call the manager right now. i want to talk to him right now. uhhhh he doesnt give employees his phone number. well who do you call if its an emergency? meanwhile there is a huge line of people who just want to prepay for their gas. i avoided all this because i paid at the pump with a card hahahahaha.

mike enoch does not get all super intellectual either. he just gives real talk, absolutely no bullshit, no jerking off. he says like and dude a lot but unlike with most people who say these words a lot, it does not make him sound unintelligent. he is real good at talking to people and just great verbal intelligence on this goy hahahaha. this is the guy you want talking for you. real convincing salesman. but not in a bullshit dishonest way. he needs to quit his job and spend all his time talking and networking and meeting with people. he is a real good people person and communicator.

i wonder what the hell he did before TRS. I guess he had a big libertarian phase and did a lot of 4chan. dont quote me.

listened to the first 2 songs of the agalloch album, they were pretty good. decent production. a blast beat would be nice. also the black metal vocals are pretty unimpressive and really dont seem to fit. something a bit deeper, or alternately, a DSBM or old burzumy scream would be better. the corny clean vocals are better.

uhhh seems to be plenty of “melodic doom” in the vein of old katatonia going on, that i wasnt really expecting, but i guess i’m not surprised, and i am not disappointed either.

overall, very melodic, very very, not super opethy unless you think of an alternate opeth where they continued in the vein of their first two albums…….which is not a problem for me!

but now i have a damn melodic doom katatoniaish song stuck in my head and I don’t know what it is!!!!!!!!!

it has a catchy mournful weeping guitar melody.

it is pretty brave murder day ish, but i dont think its from that album.

it could be from the first october tide album, but i dont think so.

and i’m not sure what else it could be.

sept 2

you know i think it might be beneath the rain or whatever that doom band from portugal with the guy from morgion singing.  on their second main album.

before the rain?

YASSSS there is is, aroun 20:23, actually that motif is all throughout this song “shards” and it repeats a lot, but i was particularly thinking of the higher octave guitar going into the “weeping” range hahahaha.

FOUND IT!!!!

yeah the album is a little long but it has a great production and great style and is pretty underrated and i only found it because i am a big morgion fan.

fooking rate your music lists really interferon with muh job search hahahaha.

fook working for a living like an honorable white man. i am just gonna become a black ingra hahahaha.

yeah i dont want to pedestalize That Woman too much. it’s VERY GOOD to remember I have been Decent Friends with, I have been CLOSE TO OTHER WOMEN before. she doesnt STAND ALONE. I had at least two pretty good female friends where we were decent friends for like approx 2 years. talking freely, being comfortable with each other.

yeah i never fell in LUV with them but thats NOT THE POINT. well, yes and no. yeah that was the one thing that differentiated that woman.

but i never want to lose sight of the fact that i have gotten close and friendly with OTHER women. NOT JUST HER.

rejection email THREE MONTHS after applying for job. the spreadsheet did not even exist until 2 months ago.

entry level position at big well known company, great job, but 95% of its postings are for Senior Level Engineers.

ANYWAY. when you fall in LUV with a woman you FEEL closer to them. it’s a fantasy, its all in your head, but i don’t like describing it like that, thats misleading. because it’s VERY real for YOU. YOU ACTUALLY ARE very close to THEM……………………………but THEY are not nearly as close to YOU. by saying its all in your head, it mocks the realness, truth and beauty of your Luv. so, I wont do that.

like when i fell in luv with women i didnt even KNOW. OF COURSHE i FELT close to them, even though I didn’t even KNOW them!

the DIFFERENCE this time, was I fell in luv with someone I ACTUALLY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and still, apparently, I didn’t know them well enough!

but yeah i MUST NOT think of myself as some WEIRDO CREEPER ALIEN who CANT get along with women, because I have become close friends with OTHER WOMEN THAN JUST HER.

I just never fell in LUV with any of them, so thats why That Woman was such a big deal.

went to jcpenney and found some great nike revolution 3 running shoes. but they did not have the size in the color i wanted.

so then i went to zappos and ordered the size for about the same price. i hate the idea of ordering SHOES online, but technically i HAD already tried on a pair of the same style of shoe, just a diff COLOR. and i wasnt gonna back down here.

interestingly enough, i was aiming to replace a pair of Revolution 2 which i had bought 2 years ago and are now falling apart and completely worn out. i guess i am a Nike Revolution man. so I should look for the Revolution 4 in 2 more years.

man those one year at a time charts on rym are great. i can see all the albums I was enjoying at the time, ANDDDDDDD see all the ones from that time period that I missed. there was a ton of good stuff in those years that i missed because i was a teen listening to groove metal hahahaha. no i liked half good stuff too, some black metal. i have been a black metal fan for TWENTY YEARS hahahahahahahahahaha. well, maybe 19.

just tell these antiwhite k1kes in interviews that ive been spending the last 14 months looking at black metal charts on RYM hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha but i havent been smokin any MJ ya k1kes!

not that you should be PROUD about smokin MJ. its for degenerates. its INHERENTLY DEGENERATE.

its TERRIBLE that I still want to do it. that I still want to do it WITH HER. goddam degenerate DEVILS CABBAGE.

if anyone speaks glowing of MJ, publicly humiliate them! and then go smoke it privately hahahhaha.

i really hate successful people who make like 30k a year who say i can smoke MJ and I’m a successful productive member of society! I’m happy with my life and my job and I am a successful family man! and I make 30k a year!

comment sections of news articles on legalizing mj and all these pro-legalization types saying shit like that.

well i am pro legalization too, but more of the “conservative libertarian” way, rather than Have Big Govt Regulate and Tax Tax Tax it! but let each city decriminalize it.

i mean I just imagine all the tax money being wasted anyway, like the 200 million in tax revenue colorado got from MJ. it will just be wasted on public skools in black ghettos hahahaha where the money wont do any good. or paying teacher administrator pensions hahahahahaha.

it wont go to fix shitty roads, it wont go to more police and ems in black crime ghettos, or blight cleanup, or anything useful like that. thats where your MJ tax money will go. just like alcohol and tobacco tax money.

so yeah dont tax it. save the money to build up MJ production companies hahahaha. or even small time MJ producers in the cities where it is legal.

well companies are STILL gonna drug test for jobs anyway, that practice has not changed even in colorado, in fact its probably gotten even more prevalent! cuz now theres more lazy ingrish potheads out there who would make terrible workers hahahaha.

i am being partially facetious since i always try to work my hardest even if i am using MJ afterwards.

but maybe i am just a shitty worker but i think i am a good worker.

i mean shit, i can’t handle the bare minimum at muh old job! my best was worse than their worst! hahahahaha.

NO, that’s not entirely true. for a good long while I was good and getting better. establishing a reputation for excellence. might have even been promoted in 2 more years, hahahahaha, for a company that never promotes from within!

(i of course dont want to work for a company that doesnt promote from within hahahaha)

because hiring outsiders for upper level jobs is a YUGGGGEEEEE red flag of a shitty horrible company. run dont walk.

applied for great job at Dream Employer University, but its 36k. when my skills are only worth 26k hahahaha. isnt it a waste of 25 minutes to apply for this?

i found another one that pays 15 an hour. much better. but still out of my league hahaha.

in fact the jobs that pay 13 an hour, aka 26k a year…..dont usually even list their pay. they just say nothing.

so i guess the lesson is, always apply for the jobs that dont list a number, because that number is probably low enough to be closer to your actual worth.

but still. why not just list the god damn pay for ALL jobs, from 10 dollar an hour to 40 dollars an hour jobs, so people that think the pay is too low, wont even apply.

unless they are trying to overreach and get people who would normally be “too good” to apply????

well that’s not what I do, i apply for 12 and 11 dollar an hour jobs if they seem chill/easy or I like the company.

anyway the 15 an hour job would be GREAT. like 5 miles away, full time office job, for satellite campus of bigass university that probably takes average care of its employees with 401k, health care, and at least 13 an hour wage hahahaha. 9 to 5 hours, weekends off, the works. real solid family man stuff. no joke.

 

NEETSPLAINING TO NORMIES

april 15

shit. paying 5 dollars to get an “OFFICIAL” pdf transcript of my 70 credits at community college. well, it looks better than an unofficial transcript. hopefully has the Solemn Seal of the Esteemed, Reputable college hahahaha. no the college is fine. it has produced many successful winners who make way more money and have way more kids than me hahahaha. shit. like That Woman. shit. i cant believe she’s even capable of a 5 year intimate relationship with a man hahaha.

fookin NORMIES dont seem to understand LUV. when you get your heart broken, you wail and moan and feel like you’re the only one who has experienced this. But you’re really not. everybody has.

but i wonder: is that true?? I really DONT think many normies experience both love this deep, and heartbreak this deep. They get over it in a couple months at most, more like a couple weeks!

within a few months at longest, they are FOOKING new people!!!!!!

dont be so god damn quick to jump into bed with new people like an easy slut!

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!

CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!!!

CASUAL SEX IS VERY BAD!!!!

The only normies who can understand are those whose Beloved Wife DIES, and they are like Welp, that is it, the love of my life is gone and she can’t be replaced. I dont even WANT to be with anyone else. Sometimes they get married again YEARS later. but for YEARS they aren’t even REMOTELY INTERESTED in trying to find anyone else.

I was watching hunt for red october which is an ok movie, and liked the high pressure situations where they were seconds away from death and waiting on the order of a possibly crazy captain, who never ever explained the crazy shit he was doing. so people would get FLUSTERED and say CAPTAIN do you REALIZE what youre DOING, and he would sit there like a stone for a few more seconds, then bark out an order.

well, in this case, the crew was not trying to explain weird inexplicable shit to End Users, and also their captain was right there telling them exactly what to do, taking ownership and responsibility, even if he gave no explanation.

but I was trying to make sense of shit too. like WHY CAN’T the sub see another sub that is following directly behind it? but the sub in back can see the one in front?

don’t they have radar as well as sonar? that can see a big metal ship in any direction?

how do torpedoes home in on whatever? they can seek a large object…..even if its not the sub they intended to hit. and you can accidentally blow yourself up. is this actually possible or just a tom clancy fantasy?

what is the chain of command here? who is in the loop and who is not? what if someone makes a clerical error hahahahaha.

how high do you have to be in the CIA to override orders by a ships captain? who’s the most powerful highest up person here?

this might be a problem with tom clancy. just throwing in confusing details without explaining anything, without even really caring.

the movie is great in parts and has a ridiculously strong cast, sam neill, tim damn curry, even a young stellan skarsgard!! but it has other parts that fail to impress the mature man of the world. like theyre just jerking off and bullshitting here.

the implication is that the russians are speaking russian the whole time. this is why they start out speaking russian and then after about 10 minutes they start speaking english. i never understood that when I was young. But it makes sense now that I am older. and I found it pretty reasonable unlike other parts of the movie.

i guess if  ever get a call for an interview I will go to damn thrift store and look for a somewhat presentable jacket. the one I have now isn’t BAD…..I just feel like its a bad luck charm. it is dark gray and I would prefer blue or lighter gray. also I should get a different tie.

5 dollars for a damn pdf. well at least I dont have to do that again. this is because a City Govt requested proof of associates degree or higher for blabla program assistant job. today I learned you can have OFFICIAL transcripts as a pdf. not just unofficial. So now I have OFFICIAL pdfs of all my transcripts for future use. That is a good thing.

I hope I didnt scare the mutual friend too much with my long email. I will not send any more long emails! But I did want to VENT to them and tell them the full story, and I believe I have. I mean its not a short story!

http://mentalfloss.com/article/64931/14-deep-facts-about-hunt-red-october

interesting but I’m looking for something a bit more critical and sense-making

http://www.moviemistakes.com/film636

pretty in depth and probably would have mentioned a severe technical error. didnt mention anything I was expecting. maybe the movie is pretty factual.

but why the fook couldnt sonar or radar see or hear a sub behind you? all the crazy ivans? why? when CAN you see or hear a sub in your area? within how many degrees of being At Your 6? what if they are at your 7????? can you see them then????

this has to be a Known Issue, otherwise, in my uneducated opinion, that page would mentioned it. I mean tom clancy SHOULD know, and the navy people they consulted with, but I dont trust them to reveal basic knowledge about subs that would not be obvious at all for the layman. cuz thats whats so obvious to me. i might have missed a line in the movie. I came in about 20 minutes in and my mind was wandering and the commercials were excruciating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baffles_(submarine)

heheheh I finally found the article I was looking for. It only took 2 hours. well I probably could have done it in 20 minutes if I werent multitasking hahahaha.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar

read, understand, and now fix the sonar technician’s sonar problem. don’t ask me for help. figure it out. that’s your job. hahahaha. fix it quickly. get him off the phone. we have more people like him to service.

i am just mad HER and other normies can handle their jobs without breaking down. fooking normies. they make the difficult look so damn easy. then i get resentful because they “dont want to help me, dont want to share their secret information, they keep it in their normie clique.”

we used to be on the same team! I used to be able to trust you!!!! you changed more than I did!!!! hahahaha

and THIS is the woman I got along with better than any other woman ever. ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

yeah they tell you theres no such thing as a stupid question……..

but in the WORKING world, EVERY question you have related to your job is a stupid question, or at least an annoying and wasteful question which is slowing down your whole department. so DONT MAKE MISTAKES, and DONT ASK QUESTIONS, MORON.

well how do I figure out how to do my job then?

ITS CALLED INITIATIVE. SHOW SOME. FIGURE IT OUT. you said you were a go getter and self-starter. prove it.

when I was young I never even imagined this aspect of jobs. I thought jobs were simply long and boring at their worst. boy was I wrong! I never knew how uncertainty and doubt and confusion could destroy your mind even worse! combined with pressure to do things FAST, do things RIGHT, and explain this, and deliver this unexplainable bad news, with no help.

Drowning. not only is drowning bad, but its SCARY as fook!!!!!! it MORE that just SUCKS! its TERRIFYING as well!!!

I wish I was able to deal with that terror!

tried doing 3 miles straight of slow jogging yesterday. was able to do it and could prob do more. did not feel totally worn out and tired. although i slept pretty good. i dont think it would be enough to clear the mind after a hard days work though.  need higher speed or longer distance. I would rather do longer distance. might have to try 4 miles hahahaha. definitely got past my plateau and am continuing to lose weight tho, so thats good. have lost 17.6 pounds since jan 1.  18 pounds in…..16 weeks hahahaha.

when you love someone and want to spend a long time monogamously with them, its disgusting and infuriating to know they are being a SLUT with other men, giving dat pvssy up to many other men, quickly and easily, when she had no attraction to you whatsoever, and wouldnt give it to you if you paid her 1000000 dollars.

why cant normies understand this. i always have to NEETSPLAIN everything to normies hahaha.

its not that hard! i cant believe normies dont get this! just like I cant believe women constantly need such mansplaining! i wish i didnt HAVE to mansplain or neetsplain! this is EASY MODE common sense! not even the harder common sense, but actual common common COMMON sense!!!!!

women can get pregnant, men can’t!!!!

having your heart broken hurts a LOT for a LONG time and takes a LONG time to get over and you shouldnt FOOK other people during that time of grief and processing!!!

what I wanted to say is that when you LUV someone, it’s FUN to be with them. Being with them motivates you. It’s more than hedonistic sensualist fun, it’s good clean wholesome god-loving innocent loving fun.

It may be kinda fun to hang out with friends. but its REALLY REALLY fun to hang out with the person you LUV. you get REALLY EXCITED about it. You can have a bad day and they walk in and its a ray of sunshine and you forget all your worries.

thats something your regular friends can’t accomplish.

its REALLY HARD to install the SPELLCHECKER for Notepad++.

I luv notepad++ because obviously plain txt files are best ways to type and create stuff. then you just copy and paste them to word or pdfs or wherever. it is a small fast program and you can open 50 documents at once in tabs, which is YUGE.  but I would LUV for it to have a spellcheck. it does have a plugin, but its fookin impossible to install. because you have install other GNU plugins and shit that only Computer Science Engineers know how to do.  I mean the average woman making 15 DAH, this is gonna be WAY over their head. Shit I need somebody to mansplain it to me.

i needed somebody to mansplain the stupid articles at my job!

thats all it was. you know how technical manuals are never written in plain english and are frustrating as fook? often missing information? giving no understanding of the process? well that was our main resource on fixing problems. read this fooking confusing, incomplete bullshit, understand it, and use it to fix their weird shit.

I say just make mistakes. make mistakes until they fooking FIRE you.

protip: some people make mistakes ALL THE TIME and DONT get fired. If you keep a somewhat decent attitude, you can make 1000000000 mistakes a day and not get fired. just have to find a way to live with being scolded all the time for your mistakes. oh well. dont take it personally.

IF YOURE NOT GETTING OFFICIALLY WRITTEN UP…………….IT DOESNT MATTER!!!!

and then companies will have very clear policies. like three official write ups equals termination or something.  and they will TELL you when you are getting written up. They will GIVE you a letter. There is lots of ambiguity in the world, but not on that.  when you get an official warning, you will know it.

if you don’t, well the company doesnt deserve you then. fook them. quit that shit without a new job lined up hahaha.

I never got officially written up. But I saw other people getting official write ups. I went in to use the printer and there was write ups for people which the manager forgot to pick up, hahaha. im just grateful i didnt get written up for printing work related stuff , but which was a non-actionable non deliverable hahaha. It was not a directly cost cutting related printout in other words.

Shit I’ll buy my own REAMS of paper if they’d let me. I bought my own pens and notepads and post it notes! whereas NORMIES STEAL that shit from the office and bring them HOME! I bought my OWN at the store and brought them TO the office! Sometimes I GAVE other people post it notes!!!! I gave HER post it notes all the time!!!!!

applied for 4 county jobs. I am lucky they even HAD 4 full time jobs OPEN! but the county is a large employer of the county’s residents. like 1000 employees!!!!! one of the few places where you can get a 14 DAH entry level job with health care and 401k!

Us millennials think a 401 k is so great, when the god damn baby boomers were getting PENSIONS!!!!!!!!! hahaha.

also 401k’s are SHITTY. In a financial emergency, your 401k will DISAPPEAR. I almost wonder if its SAFER to put your money in a regular savings account and make .00000001% interest. Rather than risk THE WHOLE THING to get like 3% a year.  I mean its not like we’re not headed for collapse!!!!!

it seems kinda STUPID to use a 401k! the WHOLE THING could be wiped out!

so what’s the smart alternative?

physical gold which you guard at home with many gunz, of coursh!!!!!

many sons and lots of guns, hahahaha. your sons can guard your gold with guns while you are off prostituting yourself for the god damn j00z, hahahahaha.

oh wewlad i got an appointment to take the damn post office test already. I applied for a city carrier Position (just call them JOBS.wav) and then quickly got an email to take a test! usually the test is all full up. i never took the actual test before. anyway they had an online portion i could take right now and had to take within 3 days. took that right away. 150 questions, 90 minutes to complete. bunch of personality shit. the psi inc company.

i was dishonest and distorted even though it said doing that would not be in my best interest.

hahahaha watch they stick me in the most stressful job because my test results said I LOVE stress. well then Ill just quit again hahahaha.

i wonder if blacks handle job stress better than whites. the blacks will just say fug u mufugga bix nood and be surly and shitty, while whites get flustered and crazy and Worried. whites really want to do a good job, blacks dont care, and will do shoddy quality if it means not worrying. don worry be happy mon.

but yeah. damn. my life was better with her in it. she added a lot of positives to my life. she was a lot of fun and she built me up and made me strong just by being around.  well when she became distant, then being around her made me weak and worried and weak. and overall she was a net negative and i wish i never met her…..because she did add so much “value.” YUGE value-add with her. and her leaving has left a YUGE void which I don’t know how to fill. well i have to learn how to live with the void. love the void hahaha.

normally the person doing the dumping also gives SYMPATHY to the person they’re dumping.

to be dumped with no sympathy is ROUGH. it would hurt a NORMIE, and devastate a low confidence neet loser! also also make you think you did something TERRIBLE to be treated that way!

but she was set up to fail, she had no father to teach her how to dump a guy.

but mothers can do that do! her single mother was actually pretty good and taught her how to be a nice gurl and not a huge slut.

yeah well she didnt teach her how to dump a guy hahahahaha.

ps i got the notepad++ spellchecker working using the following method:

https://notepad-plus-plus.org/community/topic/6966/spell-checker-plugin-issue-with-v6-8-1-missing-gnu-aspell-and-or-dictionaries/2

KEEP YOUR PVSSY IN YOUR PANTS, SLUT!!!!

YOU CAN GET PREGNANT, MORON!!!!!

SEX ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE CASUAL!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT FOR WOMEN!!!!!!

sorry sometimes I just have to explode with butthurt mansplaining.

but not all mansplaining is butthurt. men LIKE feeling smart. maybe women PLAY DUMB to stroke mens ego, to make them feel smart.

or they play dumb to see how dumb the man thinks they are.

god damn dumb btich. ever think its part of the provider and protector role? that its similar to the chivalrous good feels men get from helping or protecting women? similar thing with mansplaining. its BENEVOLENT in other words. benign.

i guess sometimes its less benign. lets say its 66 good and 33 bad.

i mean ive done both. I felt good and strong and kind when I sometimes mansplained things to That Woman. other times I was frustrated like you fooking MORON how can you BE so Dense!!!!!! I’m not a fookin GENIUS, how dumb are YOU?

also its stupid that women PLAY DUMB just to break your balls and shit test you like that. they’re TRYING To make you mad. they dont LIKE to make you mad, and it sure doesnt turn them on or like you more! its a shit test! they’re trying to make you mad, so if you get mad, they can reject you!

therefore, since mansplaining can be good or bad depending on the situation, so can women playing dumb be good or bad. sometimes they do it to invite good mansplaining to make you feel strong. that means they like you. sometimes they play dumb to shit test you and if you mansplain angrily then you fail the test and the poosy SNAPS SHUT. and they will never admit to this because they’re not even aware of it. they honestly dont think its true. their own natures are hidden to themselves. this is adaptive for some reason. probably similar to how other things like Ovulation and The Womb are CONCEALED. Its just a by product of the uterus and the power it holds. you cant hate them for it.

but you CAN get sad then they dump you brutally, because because dumped brutally hurts INHERENTLY, i dont care WHO you are.

 

 

 

 

I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND U CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF

apr 13

heh. waiting to go to stupid drug test. Stupidly I expelled 100% of muh waking up in the morning urine when I should have held back, but I needed muh instant gratification! now I am waiting for the 2nd urination and usually I drink a decent amount of coffee right now, but not today, because I am trying not to Dilute. they dont give you any advice on how not to dilute. but I know how possible it is. the best solution is to use the early in the morning urine. I mean I am a person who drinks a lot of  water and a lot of coffee.

technically i CAN still do it tomorrow, but I wanted to do it toDAY.

shit i really should do it tomorrow. just save some Yorine and do it first thing tomorrow.

not sure how i did this when i had to do this every week…..

ok i officially decided to do it tommorow. I just had a good coffee pee but that might have been “DILUTE”.

I wrote a pretty good email to the Mutual Friend. Got a little long winded OF COURSHE!!! but not too bad.

honestly I dont think That Woman talked to the mutual friend at ALL, either about me or just in general.

I suspect That Woman might have cut the mutual friend out of her life same as she did with me. and now mutual friend sees all the evidence of her fun new life and fun new friends and fun new boifrans and fook buddies and polyamorous fooks on facebook, cuz im sure mutual friend was not blocked like i was.

It may be my “fault” that that woman cut off the mutual friend. because she associated mutual friend with ME.

well thats not my problem, not my responsibility!!!!!! I dont even feel even a LITTLE bit guilty abotu that!

now mutual friend can be a little bit more cool and distant like “oh i guess she’s too COOL for me now that she has cooler, younger, sexier new friends”. i unfort had a LOT more at stake. it wasnt just a friend turning their back on me. it was a friend i had fallen DEEPLY in luv with and wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have chirren with.

no i never told her all THAT, I didnt want her to know how DEEPLY I was in luv with her. maybe she figured it out and that’s why she was so scared. because even her long term boifran never luved her that much. she didnt think she was worthy of luv. so now she goes and fooks lotsa guys. thats easier. less serious. because fooking isnt serious. good lord.

i just hate she can FORGET ME so EASILY. Because it means I was not important to her, not valuable, not special. And I thought I was.

she didnt HAVE to return my feelings. I wasnt EXPECTING her to. I was EXPECTING her to DIGNIFY our LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP by showing me a TINY bit of SYMPATHY when she ended it, and not throw me away like a piece of garbage. that’s ALL. that’s the ONLY expectation I had. all you fookin assholes think I feel ENTITLED to a life of luv with her. NO. NOT AT ALL. WRONG. WRONG. YOUR WRONG, ASS HOLE.

just say im sorry, not because you did anything wrong, but you are showing sympathy for someone who is hurt. like when you say im sorry when you hear somebodys loved one died. its a POLITE show of SYMPATHY.

of course its complicated. even though you technically did nothing wrong…..you are still sort of the cause of their sadness. cuz you rejected them. but I understand you cant make someone Luv you.

I tried to tell her that, but she wouldnt listen ahahaha

she had kicked other people out of her life before…..for very good reasons! like they treated her bad, or they were pathetic drug addicts, bad influences. I wanted to be a good influence on her, like she was on me.

turns out I was no better than a bad influence cheater drug addict.

it is VERY painful when someone is a good influence on you, and you are a bad influence on them, and they want you out of their life.

But I am glad the mutual friend contacted me, and glad to give them My Side Of The Story. even if That Woman had never said a word to them.

anyway the mutual friend is a very very nice person who That Woman liked. there was NO REASON to cut the mutual friend out of life, UNLESS I was the reason. stupid.  I wont take responsibility for that. And I wont take responsibility for the way SHE reacts to MY feelings ESPECIALLY when shes not willing to communicate about the situation AT ALL, WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A SINGLE WORD.

I am still angry hahaha. I was doing a voice recording yesterday and was shouting about her being a FOOKING WHORE, SUCKING AND FOOKIN COX, because she’s TOO COOL to talk to me, but LOVES taking the new exciting COX. She luvs becoming a sleazebag. its stupid to be a good woman. it’s better being a SLEAZEBAG like the new guys you FOOK PROMISCUOUSLY. not afraid to talk to THEM!!!!!

that sort of thing.

applied for the university job. 40 grand a year? NOT GONNA HAPPEN hahahaha. this is “level 3”. I would be very happy with a level 1 making….26 grand a year. this is totally out of my league. i dont have a masters degree, and more importantly, i am a job hopping emotional basket case hahahaha. sane, decent women run in the other direction when they see me because they know i am bad news hahahaha.

well. see. That Woman abandoning the mutual friend is just shitty. I have a MUCH easier time saying “yep, that is DEFINITELY not my fault, that’s all on HER” towards that dumping, than when she dumped me. that i agonized over. This dumping of the mut friend, i can confidently say, well thats shitty of that person. SHAME on her. She’s not as good of a person as I thought she was. Have a LITTLE backbone. have a LITTLE courage. dont throw away TWO good people that never deserved to be thrown away. for new fun chads to fook. she SHOULD feel GUILT for this. and she will use that guilt to fook dudes hahaha and never do the right thing. so in a way, I pushed her to become a bad person hahahaha.

no no i am being sarcastic.

Anyway I am happy to talk to this mutual friend. that is a step forward for me I think.

so I thank GOD for that. cuz I was not really chomping at the bit to initiate contact with the mutual friend myself.

anyway. if I did this to a person, I wouldnt be able to live with myself. I would go crazy with guilt. wouldnt be able to sleep at night. Eventually I would have done SOMETHING. probably sent them a long email hahahaha or even a letter. Hey I gave her my address like 3 times just in case hahahaha.

did a nice 1000 calorieer.

i thought DAMN i was STUPID for falling so HARD for her. ok it didnt happen TOO FAST, but when it happened, it happened. also, if i could KEEP myself from getting feelings for her while she was with her BF, how come I couldnt KEEP myself from getting feelings when she was NOT with her BF????!!??!?!?!

Well because I didnt want to, for one. I thought there was a slim chance things could work out.

Also I think once you get the feelings…..you can’t roll them back. that is a one way process. no turning back. permanent.

basically i STILL got feelings TOO FAST and TOO STRONG and not cautiously/carefully enough. fools rush in hahahaha.

well, i also had stronger feelings for her than I even realized.  and that probably made her very scared. of COURSHE she didnt want to deal with that.

but yeah doesnt help me. I hate getting such STRONG feelings for women. it’s good to get that for your WIFE, but NOT someone who doesn’t luv you back! otherwise it takes at LEAST TWO YEARS to get over.

I mean I am starting to get over it after 9 months. But I still want her, and I have no interest in other women, cant even IMAGINE getting FEELINGS for other women.  I figure that will take at LEAST another 9 months.

I mean I would like to have a wife and I would like to luv her just as much as I luved this woman hahaha.

I mean really. who wants to marry somebody where you loved somebody ELSE more? it seems very wrong and fooking STUPID.

but I wish I had been able to control myself more, and not have the feelings get so STRONG. Like controlled myself and said, well, lets wait until SHE shows some feelings for ME before I go OVERBOARD here.

But I think I was encouraged by her sweetness and niceness to me. and the fact that we had been friends for a long time.

this was a NEW experience for me. getting feelings for a friend after 2 years had passed. Totally new territory for me. and I am SURE that made my feelings deeper and stronger, and made the eventual pain all the more worse too.

it wasnt fair to tell her “I AM RIDICULOUSLY IN LUV WITH YOU” I just told her I had feelings but downplayed how strong they were. cuz it prob is scary to have someone be STRONGLY in luv with you.

more importantly, why do I fall in luv so STRONGLY with people who dont luv me?

kind of a pattern hahaha.

Well it doesnt happen ALL THE TIME. just once every 3 or 4 years.

and i argue this doesnt fit the PATTERN at all. i JUST SAID, this was something COMPLETELY NEW.

Also, I really WANTED the women to return the feelings, to have feelings for me. It’s not like I was Choosing Unavailable Women. I was seriously hoping she would BE available!!!!!

I am thankful to the LORD for my recent interest in the Hip New Band Deafheaven. I usually have no interest in new music. Now it’s more curiosity than interest, but I will take it.  I am drawn to the controversy. They ruffle the feathers of the more closed-minded metal fans………but they are also really really really hipster and faggy. They are probably THE most hipster metal band I have ever seen.

I hate hipsters but I also think SOME metal closed=mindedness is amusing. but some of it is good! nothing wrong with being conservative and traidtional!!!! I hate “progressive” shit!

But metal is largely degenerate.

now deafheaven are probably degenerates too, having casual sex, drinking and smoking mj and god knows what other drugs.

so I might lose this curiosity soon, but I will enjoy it somewhat while it lasts. its not easy to enjoy music, like I said. hard to enjoy anything!

I like black metal and I like metal that was considered someone kind of progressive or out of the box……but in the 90s. I lost track of metal around 2002 and then soon after a lot of super progressive evolution happened. Have been catching up on the more interesting bits for the past few years.  I mean metal has been hipsterish since like 2008 or 2007, hahaha. the existence of deafheaven is not surprising given this trajectory.

so yeah its super faggy unmasculine emotional girly feminine black metal. in the past that would mean it was “gothic” and “symphonic.” bbbbbbut this stuff is surpirsingly heavy, good heavy sound, and more blast beats than i expected! I am a sucker for blast beats and I was pleasantly surprised how much deafheaven uses them. good for them. that’s probably the crux of the issue right there.  until recently, it took “balls” to cross the blast beat rubicon. one could say deafheaven contradicts that. faggy AND blast beats! so it really might be the perfect thing for me. since I am kinda faggy, but I also like the masculine intensity of blast beats.

i mean i had strong feelings for woman 2012 too. and it sucked to get dumped by her. but it sucked way less. and my life didnt fall apart. but I think my feelings just werent AS strong there. for woman2015 the feelings were possibly the STRONGEST they have even been for ANY woman ever. and the pain greater than ever. plus it was a complicated, shitty situation. totally unique. i couldnt really have prepared for it. nothing I had ever experienced had prepared me for this.

omg i forgot about this comment, classic set of comments on this video::

Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
i listen to this when i jack off

Reply2
Ronald Clingerman8 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman me too

Reply5
Aegianlulz3 months ago
+Ronald Clingerman Wanna jack off together?

ok you really gotta see the screen for the full effect:

2016-04-13_19h06_48

If I could upboat Aegianlulz 6000000 times i would. and the god damn jimmie rustling gorilla. such a classic comment.

but yeah great album here too. Of course I have been in a peter steele / type o phase, and of course I enjoy their debut album a lot, but I came to carnivore late in life, but I took to them very naturally and enthusiastically. definitely a band I should have listened to when I was young. I remember seeing their cd all the time when I used to get cd’s and I thought oh thats the guy from type o negative…..but I never got the cd. I wasted so much money on stupid cd’s. I am of that age. I really should have got that carnivore cd, but I think at that time, the social group had decided that peter steele was faggy. because at that time, type o was going supergoth. I was SO concerned what other people would think of me! so immature and weak.

but yeah carnivore is AWESOME. just AWESOME. slightly degenerate but very forgiveable. dripping with pure testosterone. EXACTLY what most of us need!

listen to this album EVERY DAY while LIFTING or at least doing a brisk jog hahaha.

then you can listen to faggy deafheaven.

i always forget about mother fookin CARNIVORE.

I dont like much music, but I have total respect for CARNIVORE.

what did i learn.

if i ever have a female friend again, and I start falling in love with her, tell her directly as soon as possible. period. full stop. we need to TALK. NOW. NOW.  because a mere 10 months of that will be enough to ruin your life hahahaha. and it will take you a lot MORE than 10 months to bounce back. damn son.

I NEVER SAID “IM INSANELY IN LUV WITH YOU, LETS GET MARRIED, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!”

I tried to be more classy than that.

And I never stalked or harrassed her.

so i want a damn cookie for that? NORMAL people dont do any of that anyway!

Well I guess I want to convince myself I am normal I suppose.

normies get heartbroken too!!!!

normies, tell me your stories of heartbreak!

i just wanted to do everything RIGHT and not be a psycho creepy weirdo niceguy stalker!!!!!!

I think I avoided the biggest pitfalls pretty WELL actually!!!!!

I wasnt perfect but its hard to be at the top of your game when you are HEARTBROKEN!!!!!

I really did pretty good CONSIDERING.

And I didnt do all the worst creepy psycho stalker niceguy shit that I was afraid I might do!

hahaha. i would rather ruin my own LIFE, that do any of that shit.

well I sure did hahaha.

Now I just walk at 15% inclines and listen to CARNIVORE and cant even find women attractive any more, want nthing to do with women, and worship peter steele when he says “IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR FOOK IT……KILL IT!!!!!” and “I GOT A RIGHT TO BE MYSELF, AND YOU CAN GO FOOK YOURSELF!!!! SUCK!!! MY!!!! DIKK!!!! SUCKMYDIKK!!!!!”

when the butthurt boils over into pure rage. this is why peter steele is such a mensch. a great goy he was. and a POLE!!!!!!

(in an interview he said “I’m bipolar, AND bipolack.”)

Poor Peter. He should ahve just taken some lithium and married a nice gurl and quit drugs and alcohol cold turkey and had some nice white children.

8 months today since i last contacted her (email4).

april 14

ok did the Urine test, no known unknowns there, nto sure about unknown unknowns because i am not a drug testing EXPERT. or SME.

Interview Talking Point:

I do not have direct supervisory experience, but as a more senior funjob staff member, I was entrusted with training and mentoring newer employees, and was skilled in training them in best practices. I enthusiastically took a similar role at call center, providing guidance and technical advice to newer employees in a very information-intensive environment, many of which expressed vocal appreciation for the knowledge and help.

I make decisions autonomously and quickly when needed, and take ownership over my projects and decisions, following through with clients to make sure issues are fully resolved. I do not require “hand-holding” and am skilled at working independently, with minimal supervision or guidance. I am skilled at meeting deadlines and strict quality metrics. I do self-training and independent research to stay current in job-related knowledge. I am very conscious of fellow team members’ own priorities and time management. I always aim to make the most productive use of my time and the department’s time.

I am good at thinking creatively and thinking of unknown unknowns, for example if I am meeting with an SME and they offer me limited information. I ask them probing questions to help them remember additional potentially useful information for me. I imagine potential roadblocks, risks, and pitfalls and ask about them beforehand, so I am equipped to handle them when they arise. In doing this, hopefully the SME will remember other unknown unknown pitfalls which I haven’t yet imagined or encountered, but they have.

END

yeah. yesterday I was EMBARRASSED that I had LOST CONTROL so much, htat I ahd gone so CRAZY, that I felt so STRONGLY, and couldnt control my RIDICULOUS strong emotions, and totally broke down. couldnt handle LIFE because of my strong, crazy, uncontrollable emotions. how could I let it go so wrong. its shameful, i was ashamed and embarrassed!!!!

how could I do this to myself over a WOMAN????!?!?!?!?!?!

its embarrassing!!!! its a sign of total weakness, which is unattractive to everybody! jobs, friends, women!

when you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone hahahaha.

kinda sucks that you go thru your hardest times alone and whenever you try to Vent to someone, they think you want people to feel sorry for you, hahahaha.

no i dont want people to FEEL SORRY for me, but I DO want a LITTLE sympathy!!!!!!

I just wrote a second rambling long email to the mutual friend! I dont want to make a habit out of it. two strikes is enough. I am essentially using mutual friend as a PROXY for everything I couldnt say to That Woman. Because mutual friend is more wlling to listen and hear. I mentioned this. I just wanted to be HEARD, but I didnt even know if That Woman ever read my emails.

I just wanted to be HEARD! LISTEN TO ME!!

Is that too much to ask?

I dont think so!!!!

but yeah I cant ask her to be courageous. And I was being scary. I was scaring myself!

but if she responded to my 900000000000000000000000 words of emails with “k” would that be enough to “be heard?” I dunno.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexalvarez/kk-bb#.cjZmLvbvp

also shes so young and girly and millennial that she sometimes said “kk” instead of “ok” and i found that annoying at first, then horrifying. I thought it signalled detachment, annoyance, and distance from her, and i hated that i was doing that to her.

but actually kk is far less sinister than that! i read too much into it! but because of that ambiguity, and its faginess, i will never use it.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/ironic-misogyny-is-a-very-dangerous-game#.xcWJwPrPV

god damn buzzfeed is such god damn degenerate trash.

misogyny? from the guy who responded to this idiot bitch? you know exactly how she’s gonna troll as soon as you read the tweet. AND I thought it would be a long drawn out thing! this is hardly a “MASTER CLASS IN TROLLING.” or “shining a light on everyday misogyny.” the guy was smart and didnt take the bait after “what do you mean”. if he had responded like a butthurt fedora virgin and they went back and forth 90000 times, that would be a master class in trolling. of course its a faggy MAN writing this article! FOOK buzzfeed!

when you present yourself as a fooking IDIOT, it is any WONDER men start mansplaining to you??!?!?!?!

Its hard NOT to mansplain when women are THAT fooking STUPID! so they’re FAKING it to massage men’s egos? I’d rather they didnt! Cuz I don’t WANT to think women are THAT dumb! OR deceptive!

this goddamn commercial with the animals in the office. instant messaging all the members of their TEAM. great job team. good ideas team. thanks for the feedback team. kk team. hate this team bullshit.

my favorite OBVIOUSLY is the SLOTH who takes ALL DAY to SLooooooowwwwllllyyy type the one message “great job team!” That was some truly creative thinking right there, give that person a bonus.

My IT Recruiter apparently doesnt know how to do Blind Carbon Copies, and one of the Blacks she sent the mass message to doesn’t know how to use reply vs reply all, hahahaha.

well maybe they do, and they both screwed up just once. I screwed up all the time and looked like an idiot all the time, where I just wanted to cry and say  “IM NOT THIS STUPID!!! I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!” but no one would believe me.

well the recruiter has done it twice though.

and how do you find out about blind carbon copy unless somebody SHOWS you?

you think outside of the box and say “what if.” is there a way to send emails without everyone seeing everyone elses address? then search google in your free time, and find that BCC is a way to do this. I think. I’m not even sure that it is.

https://blogs.office.com/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-email/#8Lfd5AleLEqHDxEH.97

this simple article probably could have prevented the problem she is having which she is not even aware of hahaha.

i guarantee a more senior person in the office would NOT train her on this. she has to think of it on her own initiative. and she clearly does not have that kind of obsessive compulsive curiosity hahahaha.

I dunno. Some initiative is reasonable, but some is just too much. then you start asking Dumb Questions in your groping for Unknown Unknowns. but you can’t ask questions to people at your job, that’s time wasting and your dum. so you try to research these questions on your own. and hope you can find information on the internet to clearly answer them for you.

the obvious answer is to pay a consultant/expert/SME OUTSIDE of your work to train you and teach you. but again they can’t teach you things about your job or its policies. they could very well give you a good big picture which will help you though. so go spend entire paychex on an outside consultant to train you for your job. because you dont want to look like an idiot and get fired by your own company.

HOW DO NORMIES DO THIS? why are there no articles on the whole internet about this?

because normies dont do it like this!

how do you toughen up?

go through tons of hard shit?

I have gone through hard shit but it seems to make me WEAKER. what doesnt kill me makes me WEAKER.

do you visualize real tough unpleasant stuff till you get desensitized to it?

I have seen shock vidyas that would give most normies ptsd!!!  stuff like 3 guys 1 hammer, which about 4 or 5 years ago taught me, i dont WANT to see stuff like this any more. this is HORRIBLE. Whatever curiosity i had in shock videos was OVER. thank GOD. then recently I saw an animal crush/torture video on accident and I was horrified for like 2 straight days.

you dont need to watch animal crush videos over and over again to desensitize yourself to tuff stuff! in fact, that will do much more harm than good! much more!

ok so horrible real violence videos do not work either.

honestly, the best I have for you is to LIFT. lift heavy weights until your body is EXHAUSTED and they have to CARRY you out of the gym.

also running a marathon maybe. 26 miles.

I do have respect for Endurance. whats the point of sprinting 100 meters when you cant even run a mile.

Before, the idea of running a mile seemed impossible. I can do it now quite easily. WELL, its not RUNNING, its actually jogging VERY slowly, at 4.5 mph hahahahaha. thats not even JOGGING. REAL tough guys would RUN at 10+ mph.

but I would rather slow jog at 4.5 for 1 or 1.5 miles. yesterday i said 1 mile wasnt enough, lets do 1.5. that was better. I think 2 miles is gonna be the minimum to Become Tough and Reduce Stress and Anxiety and Worry.

you think SHE watches animal torture videos to Get Tuff for doing HER job? fook no! she would be scarred for life! or any of the people working there! shit! I was scarred for life a little bit just seeing 10 seconds of it!

there was this other horrible thing called “dissection chan” where a morgue worker got a pretty young dead girl one day, and cut her up and disemboweled her in a very wanton over the top way, and took pictures of his gruesome artwork and put them on the internet. yep I saw those too. never again! i think he was quite rightfully convicted of corpse desecration or something like that. at least that is still a crime hahaha.

love and loss. is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? i mean its nice to know i was capable of luv. sure thats nice. but overall i dont think its worth it. so im capable of love. well now that capability is DESTROYED. I can never luv again. this is it. she was the last one. I will never find a woman better than her.

of course, i’ve said that every single time!

and i think that getting a real gf and having a real rel is some MAGICAL thing, when they say it really isn’t.

what do you mean it isn’t???!?!?!?!

well then I want to try to prove or disprove that. give me a god damn chance to prove or disprove it. yes I KNOW it cant FIX you internally. but I have a hypothesis that it can HELP A LOT!!!!!!!!!

if I had gotten with her, it would have HELPED A LOT!!!!!

she was a big motivator for me. just seeing her and being with her and talking to her and spending time with her was a BIG FOOKIN MOTIVATOR that I couldnt GET anywhere else. Not making 15 DAH, not in Exercising or slow jogging 2 miles!!!! not in music.

the closest I could get is MJ, and White Nationalism, hahahahahaha. And MJ is degenerate.

YOUR FEELINGS DONT MATTER BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY YOU WHO HAD THEM

0122

sheeeeeeeeit. had some nyquil last night, never take more than a 70% dose, so got a lot of good sleep. thank god. praise be unto him.

had a weird dream but it didnt involve HER thank god. were watching the latest “lars von trier” movie which is dream code for something really weird and shocking. and it was. a bunch of shocking sex and fetish and violence stuff. like a 4 hour movie composed entirely of LVT’s most shocking and degen scenes. basically “torture porn” hahaha. something about a rich powerful american psycho like psychopath slowly K”ing a woman with a ridiculously long chainsaw, all protrayed as a very artsy movie.

now, LVT is not THIS bad. he pushes the limits and is much more degen than i would like him to be, but i cant say these dreams represent the reality of his filmmaking.

although i stopped watching “nymphomaniac” halfway through because i was disappointed such a good director as LVT had to keep being more and more degenerate.

the “TRUMPENFUHRER” today retweeted an official shitlord by the name of “whitegenocide” and within minutes everyone had noticed. and like 4 hours later the official trump tweet is still up there. it includes @whitegenocidetm right in the tweet, so its not like a user whose Racially Aware Shitlordiness was kinda subtle. its basically right in the username. this is the type of stuff The Mainstream would want to shy away from, and which they would quickly delete and give a public apology for, saying that some young untrained intern made the retweet without taking 1 minute to vet the original tweeter for Evil Racism!

http://gawker.com/donald-trump-would-like-you-to-see-this-tweet-from-whi-1754491950

of course its bee

http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/266705-trump-retweets-white-nationalist#disqus_thread

http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/22/politics/donald-trump-retweet-white-genocide/index.html

on on WaPo too, it became a big tweet of the day. it has been up on his twitter for 6 hours now, still up there. i would be surprised if he just left it up there and did not comment on it.

hehehe there are some “basic” trump supporters who are following the same hite genocide tweeter just because they think he is pro trump, who would probably be horrified by all the racist stuff.

i know a few months ago trump RT’d a Racist re some Crime Statistics, then later i think trump sort of apologized or blamed it on an Intern, and deleted the tweet/RT. thinking something similar might happen here. i just like seeing white memes get mainstream media attention. a wapo article mentioning kmac or richard spencer or jared taylor is not an unheard of thing in 2015/2016.

anyway. its so stupid how people can hurt others the way they do. its stupid im so sensitive to this. that i feel the world is kicking my ass rather than me going out and kicking the worlds ass. certainly a result of coddling and spoiling by a well intentioned fam. i hate being SPOILED and WEAK hahahaha.

also it makes the movement i associate with, not want to associate with ME. it makes NO ONE want to associate with me. NO ONE – movements, women, jobs, clients, contacts, friends, colleagues, leaders, followers, supporters – wants to associate with neet losers hahahaha.

0123

welp looks like it has been at least 100 days since i last looked at pron whatsoever. actually i GUARANTEE it was at LEAST 115 days, but i took an ULTRA conservative estimate.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/

did i link to this thread yet? always a decent one

http://web.archive.org/web/20151224163855/http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112371-30-and-hopelessly-alone/

haw haw haw

anyway i just dont like that she treated me like i was WORTHLESS to her. i meant NOTHING to her. i was just some randome stranger to her. it didnt mean anything to her to lose me, it mean everything to me ot lose her.

when thats not the case. i wasnt a randome stranger. there was a time when she expressed trust and closeness to me and by that time we had already known each other for 1.5 years. at out peak probably. by that time we were well in the midst of a longterm rel (ie, a real friendship) and things were going very well. it felt good to know i was important to this woman. i felt real loyalty from her. having that wither and die is hardcore. “just because” i got feelings towards her and tried to express them.

come on. i KNOW i meant something to you. at least be upset about the end. even when i was HER age i would have known better than this. well……at her age i was drinking a LOT. i might have avoided a confrontation and just kept drinking and avoiding. hard to say. i certainly didnt have any women in luv with me when i was that age, or ever!

i dunno. i like to think i would have still responded with a damn email at least.

or maybe i would have gotten scared and just deleted emails.

when i was that age and drinking i would avoid shit. i would sometimes not even look at my email for days because i was afraid somebody might email me. and if they did i would just delete it. but it didnt do that a lot. and never for friends or women, but i think skool related responsibilities sometimes hahahaha.

classic shirker and avoider ahahaha.

heh. i should begged harder on the issue of please have your mom or a mutual friend respond to me for you hahahaha.

anyway. point is, though my luv for her was all in my head, the importance of the rel was not all in my head. for a while she was rather connected to me, signif invested in me, she knew it, i knew it, and it felt like throwing me away like i meant nothing to her was a REPUDIATION of how much i once meant to her!!!!!!!

had a pizzafest at 10 pm during rare social get together with old friend. 4 pieces of pizza, some cheesy bread, a can of coke. leading me to be ONE THOUSAND calories about my 1200 daily goal. i have now moved the goalposts back up to 1560 hahahah. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

anyway. yeah. it wasnt all in my imagination. it wasnt all a fantasy. we had a real, established rel. i didnt expect her to just walk out of it. give me an ULTIMATUM at least. this is exactly the type of drastic measure you implement AFTER an ultimatum is given, and broken. not something you SPRING on someone when you are also giving MIXED SIGNALS. to someone you knew for YEARS. who once actually meant something to you.

the whole thing is the biggest mindfook i have ever EVER experienced. EVER.

yeah i was a degenerate. i dont deserve much in terms of women. i prob didnt deserve HER: a young, nonugly, solid 7 white gurl with no kids and low number. the only things that brought her down were no father and been with 1 nonwhite. these were “concessions” i was MORE than willing to make, given my own lowass mate value: underemployed loser who never reached potential, short, old, balding, slightly overweight, low energy, omega niceguy, shy, introverted, nervous, neurotic, nebbish. the only things i got going for me is i dont have an ugly face, and i am a pretty nice guy to the people around me.

even at my most degenerate youth, i always appreciated people and tried to treat them well. i did not regard them as disposable and replaceable. i never wanted to just Crush Pvssy, I wanted to Crvsh Monogamous Pvssy in the confines of a committed Rel. even as I was watching tons of degen pr0n, partaking tons degen MJ, drinking tons of degen alcohol, parroting tons of degen leftist propaganda. i think really i was just looking to FIT IN and make friends and be part of a group and not be isolated and lonely.

i was a degen race mixer with my pseudodating, one of the girls was J’ish. but at age 21 i didnt understand how nonwhite J’s were. she LOOKED white, her skin was whiter than mine, and she was young and cute as hell. Uncle Al 1488 would have approved. Zyklon Ben “Montana Merchant Mangler” Garrison would have approved!!!

back then i thought J’s were Just A Religion. and the gurl was cute as hell and whiter than me! my first thought was that she was a Celtic White! i had no IDEA J’s could look like that; I’d seen some Js who looked pretty J00ey but she was not one of them.

anyway i dont really regret it. what i wanted with her was a nondegenerate thing. i got feelings for her too quick, but they were legit feelings. i didnt really know her though, i just had an illusion of her. but still my feelings were real and i was ready to Commit to her and have an old fashioned Rel. you can guess how she felt about that!

i always tried to treat people good, and never screw them over, never do them wrong. never be mean or nasty or sell them out or do them wrong. regarding real actual women, i wanted trad rels with them, not to get as many “notches” as possible. i cared about quality not quantity. K selected haha. this is all very good and non degen, the least degen thing about me, as i had a muh dick, muh feelz attitude about everything else: substance abuse, pr0nography. i watched the pr0nography because i was still horny. now when i was with the gurls i had no desire to look at the pron. i didnt understand guys with GFs who STILL looked at pron.

the point im trying to make is, even at my most degenerate, i just didnt have it in me to screw people over and do them wrong. that’s probably a good thing!

and when people screwed me over, i just couldnt understand how people could do that. couldnt they treat me a LITTLE better?  and i people around me behaving even WORSE! i never got any ridiculously BIG screwjobs.

even NOW i can still rationalize why she “screwed” me: path of least resistance.

but really. its really bad karma to hurt someone this bad. so it WOULD be in her interest to apologize. because she supposedly cared about karma.

see i am trying to talk back to the inner voice Of Her which says, “its YOUR FAULT you were so devastated, because this was ALL IN YOUR HEAD.”

yeah, the LUV was in my head. but apart from that, Our Friendship PRIOR to the luv was MUTUALLY VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT and therefore would be painful to BOTH of us to lose.

well the explanation there, is, during the 10 months i was being WEIRD, she was disengaging and preparing for the end in her mind. essentially ending her involvement in the rel, gradually “moving out.” so by the time she was gone…..she was ready to be gone.

still. communicating an ultimatum for ultimatum type actions WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

shit. might go to gym for a little bit.

0124

yeah eating food late at night, well not even LATE, but after like 9 pm, is a recipe for degenerate fatness. one of many big risks.  pizza, food in the evening, easting too large of portions, peanut butter, deep fried stuff with a crispy coating like fried chikun hahaha, french fries. potatoes. soda pop. donuts. well didnt we always know these things were a slippery slope hahaha. but yeah the other night i went liek 1000 calories over by essentially eating a Large Meal at 10 pm. 4 slices of pizza, some cheesy bread, and a coke. holy shit. the slices of pizza were not super huge, any normal man could eat 4 of them if he were a bit hungry. but yeah that was potentially catastrophic. good thing in the surrounding days i was pretty under, to make up for that overage.

basically act like the trumpenfuhrer at all times. he is the worlds most confident alpha man. just ask yourself WWDTD. with his attitude and confidence and occasional cockiness and arrogance he is the perfect role model for all men. dominate or be dominated. show no weakness. make no apologies. never back down.

the trumpenfuhrer does not drink. he is in tip top health. really there has never been such a charismatic and compelling repub candidate in my lifetime. maybe reagan but i cant even say, i was a small child when reagan left office. the don BTFOs a weak weirdo like mitt the titt from 2012. i can only compare the fervor to what was seen in 2008 when barry obongo had his own cult of personality. and now DT is his own cult of personality, kind of the total anti obongo.

heh.funny. j00ish gurls j00ed me over LESS than a white gurl.

i will never make sense of it. well i guess i did. she was cowardly, weak, and immature. maybe our friendship meant something to her but she was too cowardly to do the right thing, because the right thing is not always the easy thing. she was a classic confrontation avoider, i can understand that. i am kinda the same way. also she is not a good dumper. this how how she dumps guys. unlike most gurls, she was more used to being dumped than doing the dumping. i thought this would make her a more sympathetic dumper. and help her empathize with me and men in general, as we are more often dumped than the dumper in any given rel.

but would it really be worthwhile to contact her NOW and push her again for “better karma?” it prob wouldnt work. i just want her back anyway. if she responded i would contact again and again, wanting more and more, and then she would stop responding again and i would feel like a psycho idiot.

also i would find it hard to be satisfied by an apology that i basically had to ask for. no. they have to feel guilty enough on their own and not just apologize as a way to shut me up and appease me.

so you can have luv for someone you dont really know. if they are cute young gurl and they are getting physical with you and pseudodating. the chemicals can start activating, and IMHO that is as it should be. you should not take these chemicals lightly and abuse them with Promiscuity and Nonmonogamy. i was willing to do something long term and monogamous with those women. but they were not willing. they just wanted to have chill fun.

so i liked being friends with a woman, it was a real relationship where you know the person, not a damn charade filled with misunderstandings and illusions. hahahaha although it certainly ended in that way.

“dear” person,

why u do me like that. come on. you can do better than that. i know youre not a horrible person. so just try to treat me with some kindness here in the final moments. yes i admit i was not the smoothest. yes i admit i should have told you months earlier. i was making big hints and trying to hang out with you. i always thought we would eventually hang out, and thats when i planned to tell you. i didnt think work was the right place to tell you. but by god did i give you hints and signals, because i didnt like holding this secret in. i didnt want to hide it. i didnt want to cover it or deny it or lie about it. i wanted to get it out in the open and deal with it, which would prob mean the end of our friendship, but it didnt have to end in a bad way. its ending in a bad way now. just meet with me and have a conversation like someone who cared about me. you used to care about me. i just feel worthless the way you treated me like a piece of garbage, when not too long ago you used to care about me and value me as a good friend. i appreciated that and appreciated you. i know me giving you hints made you feel weird and distance yourself from me. however my feelings werent going to go away, thats why i wanted to discuss it openly and not have to give hints. finally i told you straight up. and i really wish you had responded to that even to just say sorry i dont feel the same way but i appreciated our friendship. its really important to me that you admit that our friendship was worth something to you. i know it was in the past, and i know things were strained recently, but i didnt think you were gonna pull the plug like that. at least give me an ultimatum first. i know its hard and awkward and confrontations are never fun. but i never meant you any harm. i only wanted the best for you. i was willing to be there for you during the ups and downs of your life. i wasnt trying to hurt or control or abuse or manipulate you. i didnt want to change you. i just wish you felt those feelings to me, but you dont, and i can accept that. i cant accept the WAY you chose to communicate that to me, namely through this blocking, ignoring, silent treatment, ghosting, whatever you wanna call it. it really really hurts a lot more than a conversation would have. even an email. just send me an email. think about how you would want to be dumped by someone you cared for, who didnt return those feelings. would you want them to do THIS to you? just send me an email. tell me our previous friendship meant something, and that I meant something. you dont treat people like this when they MEAN something to you. im sad our friendship has to end too. i didnt intentionally decide to get feelings when i did. it just happened, and at a pretty bad time too. when you get feelings for someone, does it always make sense or happen at the best time? also i wasnt trying to win your trust as part of some long con. I was genuinely your friend and I was very thankful to have a friend where we both knew and respected each other and earned each others trust. it was only AFTER that that I changed, my feelings changed. yes this complicates things but i can’t blame myself for getting the feelings. the feelings arent the problem, its how we deal with them. we have to deal with them better. we have to talk about this. its appropriate that our friendship ends, but it shouldnt end this horribly. treat it as a funeral for a good friend, rather than throwing a traitor in a ditch. i dont feel i betrayed you. this is just a huge misunderstanding. yes things have to end, because i have feelings and you dont. but lets end it with as little pain and suffering and hard feelings as possible. right now i am feeling great pain because i feel you threw me away like garbage, and i wish we could just talk about it and smooth things over, so that we both remember each other better, rather than betrayers and abandoners.

heheheheh end of daily letter to person.

basically i think in a “good” dumping you wont have anything left you want to say to the person. youve said it all and theyve listened to it all. you agree to disagree. you say, welp, i wish you werent dumping me, but at least we understand each other. its ok that you reject me, just try to reject me with less brutality and disrespect. respect the sanctity of my human life and the pain i feel. or you cant, because so many people have no respect for human life. they screw and j00 people, they cheat people, they cheat on people, they abandon and abuse and abort and raep and murder and beat.

apparently with some mortgage companies, they dont let you pay more than your monthly payment, like if you wanted to pay it off early and reduce the interest you were accruing. they put the excess amount in ESCROW where it does NOTHING, does not accrue interest of its own, and then just take it out next month. this way you get CHARGED all the interest you “deserve” hahahaha.

normally if someone has a bad breakup you just say, forget about that btich, you were too good for her, forget about her, shes a piece of shit, you dont WANT her in your life. yeah well but i DO want her in my life. and shes not a shitty person, shes just so misguided and has misunderstood so bad and done something pretty bad to me, but morally speaking, its nowhere NEAR as bad as cheating. its a LOT easier to not cheat, as to not avoid responsibility. i almost wish she HAD cheated. but then we would have had to have dated, which we never did.

hahahaha i never dated a woman long enough for her to be ABLE to cheat on me. so when they did shady things with other guys, they had plausable deniability: i wasnt CHEATING, we didnt HAVE a monog rel!!!!!

really the only thing i can do is just forget about it, put it behind me. kinda hard to do. she was just that important to me.

i am not the bad guy just because i got feelings for her! luv is never wrong hahaha luv is luv. like when men luv 5 year old boys. luv is luv hahahahahahahaha luv equality hahahaha.

well this was simply an adult man falling in luv with an adult woman who he gradually had built up a good friendship with. then it turned into something more. if anything this makes PERFECT SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so there.

fook. just turn it back on them. how would THEY feel if THEY had feelings for somebody, who then harshly dumped them, and said, well you dont GET to be upset, because this is not Real Luv, because only YOU have the luv, its one sided, its all in your head. the bitch would go crazy!!!!!!! just like me!!!!!!

its basically a way of saying your feelings arent real. fook you, theyre real as fook.

this is easier for the other person to pull on you when they never luved you. then they get to say, im sorry your hurting, but you really fell in luv TOO QUICKLY.

or they dont say im sorry youre hurting at all hahahaha. but hate you and shun you for the crime of falling in luv.

i mean i have no interest in meeting other women. but if some young cute gurl were readily available to me, i would bang her. but thats quite a lot to ask.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelwmiller/how-to-break-up-with-someone-like-an-actual-adult#.xux92qkak

even the nihilist degenerates at BUZZFEED give OKAY advice on how to dump somebody the right way. oh i would have loved that!

but the idea of a TOXIC relationship, and an ABUSIVE relationship……ok it was DEFINITELY not an ABUSIVE rel, but it WAS kinda TOXIC.

so if its TOXIC, you dont owe them anything? if its toxic, its all THEIR fault? it takes TWO to make it toxic. i was trying to make it LESS toxic. she made it MORE toxic by being a damn STONE WALL.

http://thedailylove.com/how-to-tell-the-difference-between-a-toxic-relationship-and-a-rough-patch/

difference between toxic and abusive relationship hahahaha

http://letmereach.com/2014/11/12/is-your-relationship-toxic/

i mean i wanted the best for her, i didnt want to control her!!!!!!!!!! i didnt want to hurt her!!!!!!! however i also didnt want to her to leave me!!!!!! however i knew that i couldnt stop her either.

heh. i think history will bear out that i was the Good Guy who got WRonged here, but i am still too close to it, at a mere 6 months out, to be able to tell hahahaha. but in a year or 2 years i will just look back and shake my head and say damn she really fooked up. a lot more than I did.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-relationship/

i mean sheeeit. you can just write me something and say this is the last contact youre going to get from me, i will not respond ever again, but im sorry, i appreciate that this hurts you, im sorry, its not your fault, dont blame yourself for this, its me not you, but we are done because i cannot luv you the way you luv me and therefore it cannot be a healthy rel for you. you deserve to be with someone who luvs you too. dont blame yourself for this. i will not respond if you contact me. sorry. send email. have your MOM send the email from guerrilla mail. click on this link in this strawpoll.me to indicate you received and read the email.

heh. usually the “bad guy” is the one who feels LESS pain. abusers get away with their abuse and the victim blames themself. not that i WANT to be a VICTIM, but i kinda want to be the victim here rather than THE BAD GUY.

http://www.examiner.com/article/toxic-abusive-or-mentally-ill-is-there-a-difference

http://www.examiner.com/article/18-kinds-of-women-most-likely-to-cheat-on-their-mates-1

18? only 18 hahahaha why not 900000000000000000000000 types of women most likely to cheat. come ON. are there really 18 DIFFERENT KINDS of female cheaters? i think what they mean are, heres 18 of 900000000000 possible red flags for cheating.

a better title would be, “75% of women aged 20-30 are cheaters.” or 51%. or whatever. something that actually tells you something useful.

is he cheating on you – 829 telltale signs. by the same author. i am not makign this up.

so basically you can get paranoid because EVERYTHING is a sign they are cheating. theyre too nice to you. theyre not nice enough.  but yeah most/all of those red flags were valid.

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=203&surveyID=441

hehe some quoted items from that

Q16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?

i was the badgerer. but she didnt want to talk about it AT ALL and was AVOIDING talking about it EVER!!!!!!

Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?

absolteluy hahahaha.

Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?

exremely hahaha

Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?

ignore and dismiss

Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?

super duper extremely extended periods of time!!!!!!!

Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?

at the end, nope not at all!!!!!!

so verdict is it was minorly toxic
Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?

near the end, absolutely not.

Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?

they refuse to meet for a bigboy conversation

Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?

oh lord i wish she did. hahaah

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/results.asp?sectionID=203

You scored 19, on a scale of 0 to 62. Here’s how to interpret your score:

11 – 25
In some ways your relationship is unhealthy and destructive. All healthy relationships require mutual caring, mutual honesty and mutual respect to flourish. Your relationship lacks some or all of these elements. Whether you are the victim or perpetrator, changing this pattern begins with you. Ask yourself what is your part? For example if you’re a repeated victim, why have you allowed yourself to be treated in this way? Get some support to make changes. It’s too hard to do it alone.

NOICE!

and when i tried to assert myself by saying hey here is the deal, she responded by cutting me off entirely. so. i guess that explains that!

2016-01-24_17h48_35

ok so the red line is 1560 calories. the NCC is so low because of muh exercise and burning off 800-900 calories each time. that 2220 was my Pizza Cheat Day with Eating At Night. today is jan 24 and you can see i am a little over.

i like to take one week at a time, and say, could you Lop Off the Excess on like 1/22, and distribute it to the other days of the week, and still have everything be under the red line? you should be able to eyeball it and still make a confident decision, like in this case, YES, the overages would be able to safely fit under the redline if dist to the other days. indeed, the ridic day of 1/23 being so far under, would be enough to cancel out ALL overages for the WEEK.

over the course of a month it looks like:

2016-01-24_18h03_11

so, you can see that those spikes can easily “collapse into” the valleys and the whole damn thing will be under the redline of Losing 1 lb per week.

oh sorry the red line is 1570 not 1560. i LIED.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/forgiveness-won%E2%80%99t-fix-your-toxic-relationship

oh i cant listen to this, because its RELIGIOUS.

hmmm karamel sutra ice cream has a lot more calories than blue moon ice cream yikes.

lemme just quote this which was the category above mine from the beliefnet article:

“26 – 62
You are definitely in a destructive relationship and likely in an abusive one as well. Destructive relationships contain some or all of these five elements: 1. Physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. 2. One person is regularly overprotective, overbearing and controlling toward the other. 3. One person is overdependent upon the other to affirm his or her personal value and worth, to meet most of his or her needs, and to make most of his or her decisions. 4. One person demonstrates a pattern of deceiving the other through lying, hiding, pretending, misleading, or twisting information to make something appear other than what it is. 5. One person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other. Start taking steps to identify your patterns in this relationship in order to invite mutual change or step back from the relationship so that you can heal. You cannot make a relationship work all by yourself. You can make it better, but you can’t fix this alone

anyway i felt like i was making all of the effort. doing all the work. doing all the giving. all the lifting. pretty sure that means that you arent the one ruining the rel.

anyway re the religious relevantmagazine.com thing: i didnt see it as a matter of me forgiving her, rather i was begging forgiveness from her for the horrible crime i had done against her: getting feelings, betraying her, being PUSHY and overbearing and annoying and weird and wanting her to talk and hang out when she didnt want to talk or hang out.  so i assumed the role of Abuser and Bad Guy Wanting Forgiveness right away.

https://checkup.gottman.com/clinician/questionnaire/preview

the gottman relationship checkup which you, your Partner, and your Therapist all do online

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes

http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-someone-else/is-my-relationship-healthy-quiz/#top_of_results

YOUR SCORE: 18 from the above site

SCORE 5 pts+
If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship. Remember the most important thing is your safety — consider making a safety plan. You don’t have to deal with this alone. Loveisrespect.org can help. Chat with us to learn about your different options.

hehehehehe

Your score is 72 out of 75, suggesting that you feel a lot of compassionate love for your partner.
Your partner is lucky: You are very supportive of him or her and respond compassionately when he or she is in distress. You also seem to make a strong effort to see the world from his or her point of view. You care about enriching your partner’s life and are willing to make sacrifices so that he or she can be happy. These are skills that help you support your partner and negotiate conflicts, which should lead to a stronger, healthier, and longer-lasting relationship.

from the compassionate love quiz:

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/9

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/relationship_quiz.htm

that one said i had a good relationship hahaha, totally normal and average.

i was taking the quizzes pretending like we were actually in a relationship. which kind of we were. but i guess a platonic friendship just isnt BUILT to offer the Security and Intimacy and Trust which an Intimate Relationship does, so, incorrect expectations on my part. i wanted more than she could give: luv, security, loyalty, support, openness, being able to hang out once every 2 or 3 months hahahaha.

A REASONABLE EXPECTATION OF KINDNESS =/= ENTITLED TO LUV

0116

well the men on the fatherland podcast said that to get a good woman you gotta be a decent man, ie not an omega basement dweller neet jobless fat neckbear doritos vidya fapping loser hahaha. you have to have your HOUSE IN ORDER. and i most certainly dont! so why do i think i DESERVE a decent woman?

because at heart, deep down, i am a decent guy with a Good Heart and Good Intentions who wants to be a good husbando and father. but i havent PROVEN myself worthy or capable of that yet. and of course the road to HELL is paved with good INTENTIONS. intentions mean NOTHING. ACTIONS mean EVERYTHING. the proof is in the pudding.

so i was surprised to even befriend a woman better than what i thought i deserved. the only women who should want to hang otu with me would be ugly old sluts with bastard mud babies. not young cute girls with a low number and no kids!

well the only reason she became friends with me was because she needs a father figure, and her LTR was stagnating/failing at that time. yikes. well thats humbling. and i thought she liked me as a person hahahahaha.

well i think she really did. but the no father and the bad LTR were influencing her friendship with me whether she knew it or not, and she prob did not. its always unconscious/subconscious forces with these women hahaah.

thats just what women ARE and i dont like it hahaha.

fatherland tacitly recommends athol kay, dalrock, and some rollo tomassi as advisers on “married game” which is IMHO the nondegenerate version of game. where you want to find and win and keep a good decent marriageable wife.

of course i am familiar with all these names from when i read GAME stuff, they have all been around for years.

http://www.salon.com/2015/01/10/the_plight_of_the_bitter_nerd_why_so_many_awkward_shy_guys_end_up_hating_feminism/

goddamn i dont want to link directly TO it, but archive.is does not archive the comments for it.

oh god. salon. arthur chu. defending dr nerdluv (i searched dr nerdlove sucks) against those bitter, lonely, shy, woman-hating nerds who got rejected because they are really creepy, woman-hating, entitled, niceguytms.

AT THE RISK of sounding like a Loser MGTOW, I agree with the hardcore mgtows, dr nerdlove is jsut as bad as arthur chu. they are MALE FEMINISTS. GTFO.

i am the first to admit i am not perfect. and i am the first to say yeah yeah i know im not OWED anything, im not entitled to anything from women.

but to sit there and eat shit and smile? to be cucked and disrespected and like it? to say YEP IM NOT EVEN ENTITLED TO BASIC RESPECT? that is a line too far. and that is what nerdlove is calling for.

i know im not entitled to secs or luv. TECHNICALLY im not entitled to communication or respect or kindness. but i think you can have a REASONABLE EXPECTATION of those things, and thats not the same thing as “ENTITLEMENT.”

i just get triggered and mgtowy when i see bitchy feminists making excuses for women to be total bitches. like just because youve been having secs with a guy for 3 months doesnt mean you OWE him to make an EFFORT to be kind to him when you dump him. because its just secs, its just a casual short term rel, you dont owe anybody anything, you can jsut throw people away like trash and if they get upset, thats THEIR fault. god damn.

ok i did not harrass her with constant messages. i sent one email per 10 days. after 3 emails i said welp she obviously doesnt want to respond so i am gonna go NIC. she has blocked me on FB, prob blocked me on the phone, prob blocked me on email. sending me a clear message/signal. so i will stop contacting her.

and i DID. cold turkey. never contacted her again after that final email.

but god damn, the pain still went on and on and on and on, and i fought the urge to contact her! because this shit aint right!!!!!!

but i respected her unrespectable shitty wishes to throw me away like garbage, and stopped contacting her.

respect their wishes. what a dumb statement. yes i RESPECT being thrown away like garbage.

no. rather, i will BE THE BETTER MAN by not trying to STRONGARM her, but i sure as hell dont have to be a HAPPY CUCK about it. you dont have to LIKE being treated like SHIT.

heh. i dont know if she was a 6 or a 7. as i fell in luv with her i was sure she was an 8. but in truth she was a 6 or 7. but there is a lot of difference between a 6 and a 7 hahahaha.

well in 10 years she will def be a 6 hahahaha. esp if she is fat and has bastard kids hahaha. but she might not get fat.

one nerd on those salon comments said, just do gurlfran experience GFE with a hooker, 300 bucks a pop, “a bunch of times”, and that is “much cheaper and more fun than going to a shrink.”

is it really 300 bucks? i assumed it would be much much more, cuz you;d want a good looking hooker, for essentially 2 or more hours. youd think that would be at least 800 bucks a pop.

were not saying we are entitled to a luving waifu. we just want to not be treated like SHIT, arthur CHU. ph4ggot.

the implication of these marxists is, YES, you DESERVE to be treated like a piece of SHIT, because you ARE a piece of SHIT, for thinking youre ENTITLED to being treated like anything BUT a peice of SHIT!!!!!!!

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MARXISTS GTFO!!!!!!!!!

http://bbs.dailystormer.com/

i should also spend some time with daily stormer board. they are seen as slightly less “intelligent” than TRS [citation needed] and perhaps more emotional, but in that case TDS (not to be confused with the daily shoah) should be right up my alley. plus its nice that anglin puts his name, face, and address out there. not all of us are that brave, willing to give everything like that! who cares if hes a manlet! who cares if he banged a filipina slut years ago! he has a reputation as a woman hater, but really he just believes women have the decision making capacity of children and need to be led/guided by their men.

heh and i was hoping even THIS wasnt even true, i HOPED for women that could be Emotionally Mature and be able to Handle Relationships Like Adults. who would be capable of some agency in their rels; who would make an EFFORT to not treat people like shit. in fact i still hope there are women who are Mature like this.

he’s been banned by paypal, banned by disqus, he’s got all the right enemies hahaha.

good goy / 10 hahaha. if i were gainfully employed i would give him some money. and TRS. and mill woes.

some say that “fapping” without porn is a slippery slope to “fapping” WITH porn. i respectfully disagree. i can separate the two quite easily thank GOD. but i am hestitantly thinking about doing “nofap” ALTOGETHER, teetotaling completely. not that ive been that horny. not at all as a matter of fact. the only thing is the thought that forcing myself to JO thinking of random women is a way to try to erase HER from my mind. and to that end, the negligible degeneracy of no-porn fapping is mitigated. justified.

anyway. sighhhh. if i had just been stronger and not dropped the ball. i guess the trick to that is, get out in front of it early, then you get more leverage. and wont need herculean strength to handle it later, after its grown to herculean proportions of shittiness hahaha.

i read on reddit that sam hyde got a film degree at RISD and then did “postgraduate” work at carnegie mellon prob in film production related stuff. not sure if he completed a masterz degree. they say he worked as a car salesman where he almost certainly made more money than in film. but RISD and CM are Good Schools, people have Heard Of Them.

anyway sam hyde really is on our side and should be supported and its sad he cant make enough money to have a white family, but what he is doing takes some balls.

i wonder how he did as a car salesman. his performance hhehehehe.

the same page said he only had 1 gf ever who dumped him in 2011 and he went into a despair.

http://mpcdot.com/forums/topic/1386-autoadmit-gleanings/page__st__120#entry172304

this made me lol, about a fatass that ate 37 big macs a day, turned into a funny story

ok the guy only at 20000 calories a day, which is……ok prob like 40 big macs hahaha

http://mpcdot.com/forums/topic/8300-porn-isnt-bad-for-you-its-good-for-you-dad/

hehe some triggering anti millennial stuff here:

quote ”

What’s wrong with ‘getting your s**t together’ at 26?

I don’t like the idea it but not much really. It’s just that most of the time “I have to figure things out and finally get my s**t together” is a bullshit excuse said by millenials going nowhere. What I said is not specific to marriage or being in a career either. I just expect by the mid-20s an adult shouldn’t be loafing around in their parents’ house without a plan in mind. I know a guy like this, 28, got his first job at 21 although he’s now jobless. He lives in the house he grew up in but his parents and siblings have moved out. His mother still pays for most of the bills and he recently inherited some money. He takes courses at community college but isn’t sure if he’s going to university. I asked what he’d do with the money he received and he told me he’d invest in some real estate. That sounds like something resembling long term thought but of course he still just NEEDED the latest iPhone :lolno:

For me that would be an unacceptable life situation (I would consider suicide) but I think it’s more typical for a mid-20s millenial to be living with a roommate and taking a shitjob to pay for rent and student debt, and/or doing grad school, than to live with mom while unemployed and taking 8 units at a community college…the point being that ‘not having your s**t together’ doesn’t necessarily equate to ‘lazy and listless’

” end quote

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe hehehehehehe

too much of a neet loser to even take 16 creds at the CC hahahahahahahahaha thats me and you!!!!!

however MPC seems like a good community too of smart wise men we would do well to listen to. anti degen, etc. and a good read alongside TRS. not sure when MPC came about. this is the type of stuff you graduate to after leaving 4chan and 8chan pol, and have more of a focus, an actual community with usernames, more effortposts, reputation, etc, more of an ingroup/outgroup identity etc.

anyway i will give MPC a like but i would have to lurk there a few months to really understand the group. they would hate me for being a loser millennial with low moral fortitude. no courage. no guts. every man gets fear, but COURAGE is what you use to STAND UP AND FIGHT in the face of your fear. and i dont have that. no courage, no balls, no spine. so what if i have good intentions, a good heart.

http://mpcdot.com/forums/topic/8316-raped-in-the-peace-corp-now-i-post-on-mpc/

how people got into mpc

i mean theres gotta be a lot of overlap with pol and TRS. right wing, race realists, anti degen, often a little religions, like memes and funny pictures, anti marxism, etc.

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/My_Posting_Career

some good information, but i thought ED would be sympathetic. at least 2 years ago i said ED was kewl, i now take that back, since here they expose themselves as degenerate leftists and attack roissy and MPC and such.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckservative

wiki cites an SPLC article calling MPC “far right” and TRS “white nationalist” hahahaha well there you have it.

https://archive.is/Ywzje

i will defeinitely not link to SPLC hahahaha well the actual SPLC article doesnt specifially identify those sites as those things but they certainly would.

http://mpcdot.com/forums/best-content/

the most upvoted posts go to this page and get cute little gifs in the upper right based on how many upvotes. 100 seems to be very high. all a bunch of interesting, well-composed, well thought effortposts by obviously Successful Adult Men who did good at college and good at career and can Write Coherently and probably have to do so in their Bigboy Careers.

fooking mangina feminists. i am not dictating to her or saying im entitled to Closure. im saying that a decent person would TRY.

A DECENT PERSON WOULD MAKE SOME SMALL EFFORT AT LEAST to be nicer.

That’s all i expected. i know im not entitled to shit.

so…..are MRA’s as pathetic as MGTOWs? i dunno, i think MRAs do have very valid claims and i agree that feminism must be destroyed. so…..maybe i am back to being an MRA after going a bit too far off the reservation with MGTOW. but it was Race Consciousness which brought me back down to earth, by basically saying, without white babies, whites will lose.

and we need those damn white sluts to make white babies.

ideally they would be a noble pure virtuous shieldmaiden. but we can make some compromises considering the state of our world. how about basically any fertile white woman who hasnt already had a nonwhite baby. setting the bar bretty low here.

hey im not bitching AT HER. i stopped emailing her after 1 month and it was obvious she didnt even want to listen to me. i knew then that she didnt want to be contacted and she has to get whatever she wants otherwise its contactrape. and she doesnt need to have any accountability for being a decent person and im the bad guy if i want to hold her accountable cuz otherwise its contactrape because shes not CONSENTING to me contacting her.

the consenting adults bullshit. you think child molesters consent to going to prison when they get convicted? hell no!

well thats because we have a social and legal contract giving the legal system the authority to do things to convicted criminals that are against the convicteds consent. and she hasnt been convicted of anything except in my own mind. and perhaps other people would agree with me that she did not handle it well.

either way im not contacting her. although i kinda wish i had been less nice to her in the emails and said this is fooking bullshit, i dont appreciate this, i deserve some god damn respect, and i am very disappointed with you disrespecting me, this is not good karma, this is really shitty, you should feel bad, and you should apologise.

so yeah dr nerdluv, im not sitting here begging her for closure. i am done begging. i just dont think guys should stand by and LET themselves get treated like shit, without telling the other person. they should STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES.

 

 

ARE ALL WOMEN LIKE THAT ?!?!?!?!?!

1204

shit. delicious tacos is a great writer but i dont know if i need that kind of pessimism and degeneracy right now!

but i have decided to indulge myself in Hate after listening to this ramzpaul video about love and hate.

about weak cucks who are terrified to respond to the paris attacks with “islamaphobia” and the guy whose wife was killed but immediately he said he did not hate them, he forgave them, and just hideous cuck weakness.

and ramz says the opposite of luv is not indifference, like that retarded saying, but its really hate, just like common sense initially tells you. two sides of the same coin, two sides of the same spectrum, and its possible that if you do not know how to hate, you dont know how to truly LOVE!!!!!!!

so i decided rather than being AFRAID of my hate like so many weak cucks, i would embrace my hate. for those who had wronged me and broke my heart hahahaha. i thought some thoughts i cannot repeat here hahahaha. i thought what would be the best “revenge.” i thought maybe if she got aids from some black thug then slowly died of aids, also had a mixed baby with aids who would slowly die along with her.

then i thought, thats a little too much, withering away with aids is too much. i thought it would be better if she jsut had some brown babies with several black thugs who abandoned her and the babies, over the next 10 years she had about 3 of those and threw her white genes away; AND balloon up into a huge white trash hambeast, 400 pounds at least. that would be PERFECT. morbidly obese white trash with brown babies who can only get secs from black thug bottom feeders, and quite simply can’t attract a good decent man any more cuz shes that fat and depraved, and all she can get are black thugs on tinder for pump and dump, while her mixed kids grow up to be thugs, and she balloons up to 500 pounds, maybe THEN she gets aids at age 40 or so hahahaha and withers down to 200 pounds hahaha.

unfort her family does not seem prone to fatness like 99% of amerifats. come on. just eat more shitty food fatty.

the idea of sadistically torturing her did not appeal to me though, i did not want to cause her terror and pain, however if she were instantly k’ed by a bus i might think that was fair hahahaha.

really i just want her to become a loser at life, cant handle her job, cant handle the heartbreak, just quit and give up and be heartbroken like me. go through the same pain i am.

but she’s prob doing this BECAUSE she is going through heartbreak, she is supposedly heartbroken from the scumbag she short term dated. she was kinda thrown away by him, heart broken, cant get revenge on him, so she needs to take that out on somebody.  i was the PERFECT target for that, because she thought i was so annoying and unfair.  she had some revenge of her own to get, some hate to express, and i was the perfect target. makes perfect sense.

she was already heartbroken. well i want her to be heartbroken again. by someone she works with. so she has to quit her job. for example, maybe she could give it up to some guy(s) at the job, like a whore. but then she can get feelings, fall in luv, and then the guy can just IGNORE her, even though they work together. then she can go crazy and quit the job and be completely devastated and broken in every way. i think this would be a suitable revenge for me hahahaha.

of course then she would just slut it up afterwards, giving sex to all sorts of sleazy men, and i dont have that “privilege” hahahaha. i dont think id want that privilege.

and then she could become a 400 pound mud shark white trash with brown babies and she can’t even get an attractive white man to fook her any more, can only pull black bottom feeding thugs and felons.

fook yeah im a racist, i dont like it when white women fook or have brown babies with black men! i just dont like it and im not sorry! i want white women to have babies with white men!!!! white women who fook black men are TRASHY! i am disappointed when white women even consider fooking nonwhite men!

its partially my own preferences. i prefer white women, i would never want to have children with anything but a white woman, so therefore i prefer white women who themselves prefer white men!

maybe she could become a damn drug addict or alcoholic too.

but see, she was never into drugs or alcohol or slutting it up. if she had avoided all those by age 25…..thats GOOD! and that is part of why i liked her.

shit when i was 21 i was drinking like a MADMAN. i basically drank like a MADMAN from ages 18 to 26. it was STUPID. i drank more than the average rowdy young Adult, to where i clearly had a Drinking Problem, but i wouldnt call myself an “alcoholic” hahahaha. but it was definitely a problem.

she never had this! she barely drinks at ALL! thats GOOD! she doesnt abuse drugs either! like other white trash people pop pain pills. she doesnt!

anyway yeah. i was the perfect “victim” because she had been done wrong and she needed to do somebody wrong. the timing was PERFECT for that for her. and i was the PERFECT person to do that to, because i was “SO” annoying and it was SO unfair that i got these feelings for her. so, break MY heart  and throw me away, the way her heart was broken and she was thrown away.

because you cant get revenge on THAT person directly. she couldnt get revenge on that guy, cuz he just didnt really care. i cant get revenge on her, i mean break HER heart, because she doesnt love me. i cant possibly break her heart. but i do want someone else to break her heart again in the future hahahahahah to get revenge FOR me hahahaha. karmic revenge. pref a guy she works with so she has to quit her job.

i want her to be so out of control of her emotions that she quits her living wage job.

i want her to completely love someone and be thrown away by them.

well supposedly thats what already happened. and thats why she did it to ME. well now i want somebody to do it to HER again. one of the first things i said when it happened to me was, I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS TO SOMEBODY ELSE. and i hope i never do. the cycle of abuse stops with me hahahaha.

i can totally understand why people do it, especially if they are undergoing ongoing horrible abuse, like being raept by your father, that you then take it out by bullying others, torturing animals, etc. or if you are a korean getting verbally abused all day, you get out of work, get drunk on cheap rice liquor, and verbally abuse your wife and children, then pass out on the floor or are vomiting on the sidewalk at 11 pm on a weeknight hahaha.

oh yeah i finally have a life protip for once: if you have trouble sleeping try earplugs. i have become such a light sleeper that any damn sound will wake me up for an hour. so earplugs can block out all sound and make it like you are in a hermetically sealed tomb hahaha. it has been sorta working for me lately. i usually sleep on left side so my right ear is open to the world. so i just use one earplug, in the right ear. not bad.

i think she is real good at doing out of sight, out of mind, push shit under the rug. but i worry about shit. i cant ignore or avoid it. i worry about it.

scott weiland dead. well cant say im surprised! im surprised he lived this long! they arent saying what it was yet, but it HAD TO BE drugs. prob heroin. maybe heroin mixed with cocaine. he was a good singer but obviously a huge degenerate. but i can understand the want to do hard drugs. sometimes i think heroin would be good for me to block out the pain hhahhaahaha. i wonder what kind of father he was to his 2 known children. probably horrible hahaha.

when you are in LUV with somebody, you want to have secs with THEM AND ONLY THEM. you arent tempted by other people. well at least im not. i can say yeah that gurl at the gym is very attractive but i just dont care abotu banging them. secs is something special you do with your loved one, and i only have one loved one.

is this really so controversial and weird?????!!!??????

i kinda want to contact her and say THIS IS WRONG. YOU CANT DO THIS. THIS IS HORRIBLE. YOU SHOULD FEEL HORRIBLE and beg for my forgiveness. which i do because i still luv you hahaha. but now i HATE you a bit too and want you to suffer for this. by having your heart broken AGAIN, devastating you, making you quit your job, being abandoned and thrown away without a word. YOU DONT DO THAT TO SOMEONE. i will never do this to someone even though its been done to me. i know you had you heart broken but you didnt have to do it to ME. get mad at that guy. not ME.

shit it makes perfect sense, i made a big breakthrough. this hate shes showing to me is really a projection of the hate she feels towards him, but cant express to him.

she doesnt really hate ME, she hates HIM! maybe i should contact her to tell her this hahahha.

so her brain is not workign regarding her hating me and throwing me away.

does that mean her brain isnot working correctly regarding her having feelings for me?

i dont think so, that is, i think she really does know what she wants regarding having feelings for me, that is, she REALLY doesnt have feelings for me.

and if she DID, she would come to me begging forgiveness. or have a friend or family contact me. i would totally take that hahahaha. she could have her mom email, call, or text me on her behalf if shes too ashamed………and i wouldnt blame her for being ashamed! ……… so maybe i SHOULD contact her then!

shit. like 110 days of NIC and i am still thinking about contacting her!

how to take verbal abuse at work?

you say, dont talk to me like that. treat me with respect.

and if they fire you they fire you. you have the moral high ground.

if it’s your boss, go to your boss’s boss and tell them so and so is being verbally abusive. you have told them to stop, but they continue. please have a chat with them and tell them to stop being a fooking rude little phaggot bitch. it reflects poorly on our company. thank you.

if a customer is verbally abusing you, say, if you do not calm down and show me some respect, i will be forced to hang up. ITS YOUR CHOICE. ITS UP TO YOU. even if your companys policy is to sit there and take the abuse. then let the company fire you. you have the moral high ground.

symphony of sorrowful songs, heres some great nondegenerate music that will chill you out, rahter than scott weiland shooting dope, banging whores, and abandoning his children. thats exactly why i dont listen to music, its made by people like that.

i used to be a big led zeppelin fan, but led zeppelin were HUGE degenerates, perhaps the biggest degens of all.

i also like the music of grateful dead, allman brothers, a lot of 70s bands………all degenerates.

all those metal bands i like? degen. drunk nihilists who would sell their soul for slutty groupies.

hehe i bet even henryk gorecki was a degenerate. tons of gay sex at music school hahaha. abandoning his children. drugs. he was a j00.

ok he was not a j00, he was a straight up polish roman catholic. good. ok he doesnt seem too degen reading his biog. but you never know. there is only one sentence about his wife and keedz.

QUOTE

”  In 1972, he was promoted to assistant professor,[24] and developed a fearsome reputation among his students for his often blunt personality. According to the Polish composer Rafał Augustyn, “When I began to study under Górecki it felt as if someone had dumped a pail of ice-cold water over my head. He could be ruthless in his opinions. The weak fell by the wayside but those who graduated under him became, without exception, respected composers”.[25] Górecki admits, “For quite a few years, I was a pedagogue, a teacher in the music academy, and my students would ask me many, many things, including how to write and what to write. I always answered this way: If you can live without music for 2 or 3 days, then don’t write…It might be better to spend time with a girl or with a beer…If you cannot live without music, then write.”[37]    ”

i THINK what he MEANS is, just give it up, if you can live without music for even 2 or 3 days, you dont have what it takes, go find solace in women or booze instead, you are not a real musician.

I DUNNO, i can go 2 or 3 days without msuic BECUASE i find musicians too degenerate exactly about stuff like women and booze! is how i would reply to gorecki.

but he was talking to academic classical musicians at a conservatory, not to teen scumbags in a garage huffing glue and drinking cheap vodka and smoking dirtweed and bathsalts and meth and popping pain pills and banging white trash tattooed sluts who like guys in shitty bands. two very different kidns of musician here.

maybe i should try arvo part?

philip glass. whoops he is a j00. as is steve reich. no i dont hate all j00s and not all j00s are total degenerates……but at this stage of my life, i dont really really really NEED any additional j00ish influence in my life such that i seek out new j00s to add it to. even if philip glass is awesome.

well lets put it this way, i would prefer to cut out ALL TV from my life, before I add philip glass into it. also listening to new music at my age takes effort i dont have. its not worth it. the pros do not outweigh the cons.

its amazing they dont have a pcture of this san bernardino shooters wife. or gurlfran or whatever. supposedly she radicalized him. but who ever heard of a WOMAN who doesnt have a PICTURE of herself? women LITERALLY take pictures of themselves EVERY DAY because theyre NARCISSISTS hahahahahaha.

laci green, i have been hearing about her, she sounds like a real degenerate. started life as a nice white mormon girl, became a pro-slut, pansexual, atheist, planned parenthood, sex educator. NOPE!!!!!

http://io9.com/5606765/myths-about-the-love-hormone-oxytocin-that-could-ruin-your-love-life

she shares a link stating that oxytocin is bullshit pushed by sex negative conservatives like me hahahaha so go ahead and take 900000000000 casual  cox

she makes a scant 20 videos a year, has a MILLION subscribers, and doesnt have one single video talking about faithfulness, loyalty, heartbreak, feelings, monogamy, or communication.

its just all hookups, buttplay, squirting, consent, FWB, NSA, open rels, chill hangouts, 50 shades of gray, orgasms, shaving, labias, queefing, degen shit. nothing on how to COMMUNICATE about your FEELINGS in a RELATIONSHIP with a HUMAN BEING.

yet this is her fookin CAREER. ridiculous.

there is nothing wrong with jealousy. it means you dont want your partner to DUMP YOU or CHEAT ON you. so it means you dont trust your partner? WELL, SHOULD YOU? have they really earned your trust? or does she have 90000000000000 guy friends and is always talking to guys? and has had 9000000000000 boifrans and dumped them all after short rels? fook no you shouldnt trust that!

hehehe i guess i secretly want to bang her but she would never let me because i am creepy and old and take sex too seriously and just a creepy white creep loser hahahaa

oh yeah i saw her on MW favorites, where a switched on person asks laci green if shed ever heard of rotherham and of course she hadnt, over a year later. someone who fights against “rape culture” has never heard of the biggest mass raping in years.

sargon of akkad is huge and shows how normal people dont like feminists and sjws and is kinda bringing good stuff in to the mainstream. he appeared suddenly and grew quickly and now makes $1000 per video. amazing. a year ago i never heard of him.

anyway i just want him to say, im left or im right. rather than be a weak leftist libertarian who just happens to dislike feminism because he’s too beta to SMASH PVSSY hahahaha. and mad that feminists are bitching about vidya games in gamergate hahahaha.

goddam bitch! i betrayed her by getting feelings for her???!?!?! SHE BETRAYED ME by throwing me away like a piece of garbage when we had known each other for almost 3 years!!!!!!!!!! you dont do that to someone you KNOW, no matter if youre ANGRY at them!!! you only get to throw away people you dont know! lets say less than 3 MONTHS but even 2 months would be better!

is this an all women thing? do all women throw men away like this? wiht no remorse?

ARE ALL WOMEN LIKE THAT???!?!?!?!?!?!

no just 99% of them hahahaha.

whenever i say “99% of x are bad”, i remind myself i’m PROBABLY engaging in all or nothing thinking, and it would be a DRASTIC IMPROVEMENT to instead say “This is all or nothing thinking. how about only 50% of them are like that. THATS MUCH BETTER.” and indeed it is!!!!!!!!!!1

when there is any doubt, always go with 50%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOES makes a good point that when some rightists and esp libertarians harp about MUH FREEDOMS, they seem to be confusing FREEDOM with LICENSE, in the sense of LICENTIOUSNESS, ie DEGENERACY. ie FREEDOM TO BE A DEGENERATE. do anything any everything as long as you are not hurting anyone besides yourself.

well i say that degeneracy like casual sex is not a victimless crime: what about the hearts you break? thats a big deal i’d say. if you break even one heart, you should do some sort of commensurate punishment: like abstain from casual sex for at least one year. beg the person for forgiveness, better yet, earn their forgiveness. give them a new job, give them a full ounce of dank MJ, give them $1000, give them 30 tapering-off bangs, LISTEN to their monologues and their long emails, apologize profusely.

well just because youre not having a rel, doesnt mean casual sex people treat their secx partners like DISPOSABLE REPLACEABLE GARBAGE. or so they say hahaha. i mean they really do. well, maybe give these sexually immoral degens the benefit of the doubt haha. but honestly these dumb sluts on laci greens videos dont understand that for men to get sex, it takes SKILL. for women to get sex, it takes NOTHING. NO SKILL. thats a big part of why the slut stud double standard exists. and it all springs from woman are the ones who get pregnant, and getting pregnant is a BIG DEAL. thats why its hard for men to get sex.

i dont mind THAT at all. it only makes sense given the pregnancy thing. what DOES annoy me is when WOMEN dont RECOGNIZE this, and they think its ok to be sluts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and complain about slut shaming! being a slut IS shameful, period! and they dont recognize this. they of all people SHOULD recongize this! how can WOMEN, the ones who DO get pregnant, NOT understand this? because pregnancy gives them a kind of power or privilege (heheheheheh) and when you have Pvssy Privilege, you dont NEED to understand, like what sjw sensitive narcissist triggered college student crybullies say about cis white privilege?

well….these are kinda self-selected sluts, no? the type of peopel who would watch, comment, respect LACI GREEN. of COURSE theyre dumb sluts! who dont understand how the mating market works, how the world works, how nature works. MORONS.

i wouldnt mind using the elliptical if it didnt MAKE you go a minimum of 5 mph. i like to go 3 mph most of the time, then bump it up to 5.5 only some of the time. certainly less than half.