IT IS LIKE LOSING A CHILD

make sure the apr 15 post is done

sept 9

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ok took some nyquil, full 30 mL, at 6.15pm.

i just wanted to know what she wanted me to take away from this. in other words, did she WANT to hurt me? yes or no? And that I can’t tell. well at least i can say i didn’t deserve fookin painful revenge like that. but i want to know if she wanted to hurt me or not. normal people dont want to hurt anyone.

once again, the simplest explanation is the best: she didnt REALLY WANT to hurt me, but she just took the path of least resistance. least resistance. we already knew she didnt like trying or putting in effort.

heh. did you WANT to HURT me? the only time i ever wanted to hurt anyone was when some gurl totally broke my heart and then went on to enjoy her life of being a carefree fun luving slut, and i still sorta saw them sometimes. i wanted them to feel a little bit of the pain i was feeling, to be more remorseful for breaking muh heart. i wanted whatever chad THEY luved, to break THEIR heart.

yeah i guess i felt that for her too. but it was never really strong hate or anything. just sadness and disappointment and oh god my life is over. i didnt want to K myself but I did feel there was nothing to live for hahahahaha. one of the most important people in muh life was gone forever.

the other day i was watching die hard 1 on tv and i was like sheeeeeeeeeeeit its SHAMEFUL that I never really sat down and watched this all the way thru, because this is a CLASSIC that I can TOTALLY understand how people have watched it HUNDREDS of times and is their favorite Action Thriller of All Time. People have seen it 100s of times, can recite every line, every movement, and I totally see why. yet i had never even seen it ONCE.  i mean i had seen bits and pieces of course. but the whole movie beginning to end? nope. and that is a SHAME. that is SAD.

of course it is totally the type of movie i would luv to watch while cuddling with a waifu. like that woman. do i want to cuddle and watch die hard with this woman? or am i indifferent? i better not be!

sept 10

hmm i am wondering if i should officially lower my price to 12 dollars an hour hahahaha. probably yes.

heh. i think nyquil on friday is much better than nyquil on saturday. because now i will be ready to Job Search like a maniac on monday hahahaha.

hmmm i didnt realize nick caves 15 year old son had died and that is basically the reason for his harrowing new album “skeleton tree”. i was fortunate enough to see cave live in 2014 and that was just wonderful, awesome, unforgettable, very special, type of thing you ideally want to share with someone special although i was more than happy to go alone hahahaha. i was pretty indisposed during 2015 and didnt even know his son had died. basically tripping on ACID and he fell off a CLIFF. jeez.

of course he is very private and was not giving interviews, just had this album and an accompanying movie, and i guess both are really intense, as you might imagine. yeah that is really tragic. yeah that will take a few years to get over yikes. supposedly caves father dying when he (nick) was 19 had a YUGE impact on his life, and i have no doubt this will also have a huge impact on him. lot of pain and grief and loss to deal with. but at least he has an attractive faithful wife for the past 17 years hahahahahahahahaha.

i dunno. nick cave is just a great one of a kind guy, and he doesnt need any more grief. but i wish he gave like regular sermons on morality so i could ascertain exactly how degenerate he is hahahahaha. because i suspect he is quite nondegenerate. although he prob was back in his youth. drugs and sluts and shit. but now he is deep and good and possibly religious!

and yeah the concert was fantastic, him as a 57 year old man, didnt matter, whole band (seeds) was electrifying. totally awesome. glad to have been privileged to see that show. definite bucket list shit there. for sure. probably wont ever see them again. but really should if i get the chance.

heh. it is kind of like me losing HER. that is how pure and giving muh love was. totally unconditional. like the love you have for your child. and then they are just ripped out of your life one day. like cave says, you are changed whether you like it or not. you are instantly a different person. you dont even know how to relate to yourself any more. we dont like change, which is fine, but what do you do when life changes you instantly and permanently? you are in a state of confusion, and I guess this new album captures this confusion and uncertainty very well. he is just LOST.

and you just cant replace your son the way you replace lovers. oh youll find someone better. oh i guess it wasnt meant to be. nope. never gonna happen here. you just have to live with that Huge Hole In Your Heart and Life.

so maybe I should listen to this album, maybe it could help me hahahaha.

album

and its less than 40 minutes, not some 80 minute bloated monstrosity, even better.

movie trailer. i guess a lot of it was filming shortly after his son died. YIKES. INTENSE GRIEF AND PAIN.

but yeah that is totally how i would describe my loss hahahahahah. when you get dumped people tell you to get over it and she wasnt the one and oh well guess it wasnt meant to be. well instead, show them this film and when they are Numb and Crying at the end, see if they would say that shit to you hahahahaha.

so yeah thank u nick cave for explaining to the world that MY grief and loss is like Losing A Child, hehehehehehe.

so you say thats inappropriate, you can never luv your waifu like you luv your child.

well i say who are you to say that. i say ok fine its not exactly, but it is much more similar than you think! unconditional, abiding, long lasting, it never truly dies, its there thru thick and thin, good times and bad. its not some passing phase, cant be replaced.

you have this numb and confused look on your face like nick cave hehehehe. but you are not numb all the time. sometimes youre numb, many times you are confused and sad and devastated and dont know how youre going to adapt to this Big Life Change. when someone is such a big part of your life, than when they leave, YOU CHANGE.  IT CHANGES YOU and you didnt WANT to be changed like this.

now, all the people that have lost children are gonna be offended. ok fine. i guess losing your waifu is not AS bad. but it’s CLOSER to losing a child, than it is to losing some meaningless, forgettable, disposable, replaceable piece of meat on the carousel of meat. its not some passing phase.

dont tell me she was just a disposable replaceable piece of meat to me by saying i should get over her quickly!

of course i would like her to feel that i was important to her too.

i think i was for a while…..but then that ended. it was just a phase hahahaha. she didnt luv me like she would luv her child. of course, many women can make excuses to K their own children! i cant even fathom!

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5213un/my26f_ex28m_ghosted_and_now_is_happy_with_someone/

https://bu.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact

heh i wish she DID give me “BREADCRUMBS!” because that would mean she still cared, and maybe there was a CHANCE, and would let me bang her HARD, and that would prob be enough to make her fall in luv with me! breadcrumbs means shes giving you a CHANCE, WILLING to talk or hang out or do SOMETHING!

MANY normies just dont understand No Contact. when we autists try no contact, THEY contact US and be like oh i havent talked to you in a while.

i guess i was just kinda shocked to see that she was so willing to do no contact as well.

lots of guys threaten to K themselves too. dont leave me or ill K muh self! this is about the worst thing you could do, it makes you the bad guy, an abuser, a manipulator, a sneaky pathetic little J. I am SO glad I never did that. It’s about on par with stalking in the Creeper Checklist.

I mean I don’t think these things are so creepy, i mean you are just expressing the intense pain you are feeling!

i mean when you are being dumped you cant think straight! you can’t really intentionally manipulate someone!!!! you just act reflexively! you make nothing but impaired decisions on anything! your mind is completely fooked up! sheeeit you might just K yourself! right in front of her hahahaha. but you probably wouldnt hurt her hehehehe.

anyway i am SO GLAD that the creepiest thing I did was just write an email. Begging for communication. really that wasnt creepy AT ALL. so I am grateful for that. I could have been a LOT creepier. but instead I was well behaved and wasnt creepy at ALL.

i was pathetic sure. beeta. omeega. please respond. please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. please try to be a little nicer to me, please dignify our friendship and tell me i meant anything to you and that you dont WANT to hurt me. acknowledge muh pain please. please end this better.

but no stalking, no threats hahahaha. i mean i had some “dark thoughts” sure. thank GOD I dont get those any more!

was in church and there was like an 18 year old gurl at the oldest a few rows ahead of me. she was kinda chubby and potatoey but she had a very cute nice face and hair and this honestly nullified all the potatoeyness. she was there with her father who himself was pretty soft and potatoey but seemed like a nice guy. i hope she doesnt become a slut. i thought about Asking Her Out in the middle of church, or maybe asking her father. for permission to date his 17 year old daughter hahahahaha. GREAT.

but yeah theres the Protector and Provider sense.  in a way you are like their new father, and they are like your child that you protect and provide for. so thats partially why its like losing a child. a child that you fook hard like some kind of porno slut hahahahaha.

no contact. WOMEN, never fook or suck a man unless it would take you two full years of No Contact to Get Over Him. thats how serious you must be about the man.

went for 2.8 mile powerwalk, listened to that new nick cave album, not really a fun listen, there are no real song type songs on it, really just kinda like poems with atmospheric ambient background music, like his previous album pushed towards that extreme. no catchy hit songs.

 

hehehehehehe

lot of good stuff here, i know his feels all too well, except he is younger and has more experience and is gonna have a sweet engin degree soon hhahahaah.

 

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EXCUUUUUSE ME FOR TREATING THE PEOPLE I DO THE LIFE CREATION PROCESS WITH LIKE HUMAN BEINGS

june 3

had dream about a woman, thank god not THAT woman, but that “one who got away” in college and i regret not making an effort with her because she was cute and nice to me and not a high number whore at that time. she would have been fun to cuddle with and make out with and hang out with and maybe have as a GF hahahaha. she was really cute and white as hell. and nice and never bitchy.  and not a high number slut hahaha.

so in the dream she was showing some interest in hanging out with me, but I was very busy for whatever reason, and I was worried that by the time I would be ready to hang out in like a week, she would no longer be interested.

i guess i could have met her for like an hour and said listen babe i am so busy, i got exams and I am applying for grad skool (we were still in Kollige in the dream). I can give you an hour right now but next week we can spend some serious time. I will make you dinner and shit.

well that would be too supplicating hahahaha and she would lose interest anyway.

heh the best way to keep her interest, when you worry she might lose interest in a week, is to just meet with her for an hour in your busy life, bang her HARD, then be like baby, i got to get back to WORK, im an ambitious successful man making good deals, so call me next week and I will bang you twice as hard. see ya wouldnt wanna be ya hahahaha.

that is the proper response to that. of course you’ve ruled her out as wife material immediately because she gave it up to you too fast, because she ALWAYS gives it up too fast. technically its HER fault but a woman would NEVER admit when antyhing is HER fault.

but yeah she was cute, and nice, and not stumpy or potatoey, and had beautiful white skin, very cute face, very nice body, she was always laughing and smiling and never bitchy to me, she liked to partake MJ too. I wish I had just hung out with her, partook MJ, watched movies and chilled with her, before she became a crazy careerist slut over 30 hahahaha.

WELL….I was conflicted, because my male friend had actually dated this gurl around that time. He was done with her by that time and probably wouldnt have minded at all if i wanted to give her a try hahahaha but I just felt weird about it at the time. he was a truly a good guy and I had a good connection with him and i hope he is doing well, and found a decent woman and became a father. I would worry about him falling for a crazy bitch though.

so THAT is my excuse, also I was honestly involved with drama with about 3 other women. no i wasnt banging them. yes they were all rejecting me hahahaha. i did make out with 2 of them though. but I didnt even THINK about this other woman. and so naturally now I worry that she is “the one who got away.”

well she didnt REALLY get away. She only lives 60 miles away from me. except now she’s 30+ and has taken a lot more dix.

hmm. turns on TRS forum has become the Hottest Alt Right forum on the internet and you now need to be INVITED to even sign up. dayum. this just happened in the past month. so you plebs can’t see the posts and you just cant sign up. you need to be INVITED by a full member, like me hahaha.

applied for part time job at local university. this is prob muh #1 dream employer but it is nto easy to get a job here at all.

this is the univ i should have gone to, just got a damn business engineering math degree hahaha. the school is pretty srs, they even offer medical (DO) degrees now. possibly even an MD but for sure DO.

so anyway in that dream, there was no touching or fun. the best was i saw the gurl for like a minute, then was stressed the whole time whether or not i would have another chance. i was not sitting there in the dream hanging out with her for hours and cuddling or making out or anything. just 95% worrying that it was over before it even began hahahahaha.  this is normal for my dreams hahaha. and my real life hahahaha.

ok 6 job applications today. i dont have any interviews coming up and got to get some more in there.

ok you want a phone number from a job i had over 10 years ago. fook you. I will write NA and the program will accept that for the required entry hahahaha.

ya god damn dumb shitty bitch hahahahaha.

hahhaha i used to censor ALL bad words. now i just censor fook. because who gives a fook. your wife has a mouth like a sailor and has had 10000000 sailors IN her mouth.  salty seamen hahahahahaha.

and i can be plenty offensive without saying fook hahahaha.

how about when you want to get out of a long ter relationship that obviously is important to the other person, you tell them SORRY and you say yeah I know it hurts to end a long term rel. we had a significant long term rel and i acknolwedge it meant something to YOU at least, so I am sorry to hurt you.

acknowledge that this relationship meant something to me. acknowledge muh pain. understand that you meant something to me.

i think she DOES uderstand all this. against, its just a matter of cowardice. lack of moral courage.

well, the good news is, once you get used to doing like at least 5 stupid applications per day for a few weeks, it becomes a less excruciating routine. you just accept it and copy and paste and look shit up. it gets easier in other words. no less stupid, but easier.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAa

here is a great idea:

sometimes job sites limit you to the number of documents you can upload. SO you simply make ONE document with ALL your documents innit.

its amazing the majority of people are employed!

well wait a minute, actually they arent. alot of people are students.

alot more than half the people are making less than the average money per year, which is like 34 grand a year.

oh sorry its like 28 grand in 2011. per capita income. which is like 14 bucks an hour.  which is less than the fight for 15 hahaha.

horry sheet i was making MORE than that!!!! SHE was making more than that! WE WERE ABOVE AVERAGE!!!!!!!

Listen to me! show some remorse! show some sympathy! show that I was important enough to you to do something courageous for ME!!!

that the relationship was important enough to YOU for you to show a little backbone in trying to do the good karma thing. treat ME like i meant something to you, treat the relationship like it meant something to you. cuz i think it DID. it WASNT all in my head.

june 4

yeah its just discouraging and horrifying that somebody can be by your side and totally with you…..and then just detach and distance themself from you. they dont care about you any more. the warmth and caring they once gave to you and which you enjoying so much and was so valuable to you, you dont get any of that any more, and they give it to other people. they could care less about you. and its all your fault because you pushed them away hahahaha. everything is always your fault with women.

this is so disgusting. because like women falsely accusing men of rape cheapening the real rapes, women blaming men for EVERYTHING kinda cheapens those times when men really ARE at fault, and they beat and abuse women. and then kind gentle men who would never abuse women feel horribly guilty for doing something to push a woman away, and they feel like they are on the same level as the guy who beats his wife and molests his children.

i wasnt courageous enough. well she was even less courageous. i was courageous enough to talk to her. that’s all the courage i wanted from her.

oh well you live and learn. live and learn hahahaha. next time i get feelings for a female friend I will tell her. check in early and check in often. tell them about this cautionary tale and say, we should talk about this every month just to check in. it can totally happen and I dont want my life to be ruined again.

i mean i want the person i marry and have chirren with and spend the rest of muh life with, i want to feel about them the way i felt about her. a total, all in commitment. it was an EASY DECISION TO MAKE, because I was THAT certain. I want to be that certain about someone.  its this uncertain one foot out the door bullshit that causes j00ish degen bullshit like open relationships. people treating human beings like objects hahahaha. devaluing human life in every way.

its the man who is always so strongly anti abortion because MEN understand and respect the value of human life. women just see it as an inconvenience to muh body muh choice. muh freedoms.

and she can talk to her co workers and be like yay we have the best team ever i luv all u so much, and not care about me, and let me drown. i used to be more important to her than just some fellow co worker, then I got downgraded from real life friend to work friend. THAT HURTS!!!!! have you ever been DOWNGRADED from real friend to just work friend? it SUCKS. you have a RIGHT to be UPSET about it. it HURTS a LOT.

and you still see the person every day at work so its not like you can avoid them and pretend they dont exist. because you see and hear them every day.

well she thought she could avoid me and pretend i didnt exist, even though she saw me eery day. She was willing to do that. I was not willing or able to do that AT ALL. because I wanted to talk to her, I didnt want to avoid her, plus i could see and hear her. it drove me CRAZY REALLY FAST.  yeah ok i  reacted very emotionally but she COULD have not avoided me like that.

i dont blame her entirely….but i do blame her partially hahahaha.

there is a huge void in muh life and really the only thing that can come CLOSE to filling it is MJ hahaha. I always found something comfy and cozy and intimate and warm fuzzy from using MJ. that was really my relationship simulator, or relationship substitute.

it was a lot better than having some bitch run through the relationship simulator with me hahahaha. cuz MJ can’t leave you and break your heart hahahahahaha. and you can do something long term with it. it will always be there for you hahahahaha.

also i dont appreciate being treated like a Weird Stalker who deserved to be avoided, when I was a Longterm Friend who just wanted to Talk about a Mutual Problem.

now my judgment is off, and i will feel like a weird stalker for wanting something PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE.

heh. my judgment is off enough as it is, especially regarding wimmin.

this loss might be worse than a death, and it might even be worse than CHEATING. cuz there’s NEVER a good excuse or justification for cheating. you can EASILY make the cheater into the bad guy, and hate them, and get your closure that way. that dirty awful cheater didnt deserve me. but when they just leave you….you are left with nothing. but confusion and self doubt. and there are valid reasons for just up and leaving someone, namely they are abusing you or being really bad to you that you just need to ESCAPE them. so you start to think you were like that. you blame yourself a lot more.

sure you ALWAYS blame yourself for being too omega and too phaggy and too feminine and too weak and that MAKES them lose interest…..but this is different than merely losing interest!

also, you can lose interest after 2 months, but its kinda hard to lose interest after 2 years.

2 years is a LOT different than 2 months.

i just want someone to say yes i know this hurts you a lot. your pain is valid. not something like well you shouldn’t be so upset about her. maybe not, but i AM, so ACCEPT it. and dont tell me not to be upset.

its not THAT hard to understand.

i mean shit if i could force myself to not be so hurt by this, dont you think i would have DONE IT?

back on TRS once again. so many great threads there but I dont really want to share them outside of the forum, probably a bannable offense, and I dont want to be banned hahaha.

ok I will post this tho:::::

QUOTE

When people talk about “being in love,” they are generally talking about the 3-18 month period at the beginning of relationships where floods of exciting chemicals like oxytocin, adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin hit people like a bag of bricks whenever they’re around each other/think about each other. People’s brains do this to reduce inhibition so they’re more likely to procreate. “Being in love” is fooking intoxicating and you basically feel like you’re on drugs just by being around another person + sex is usually involved so that’s pretty great too. That said, this altered state eventually subsides and normal thought patterns take over. At that point, the continued success of the relationship is determined by how compatible their interests, goals and personalities are. So after the initial burst of passion period, the rest of a relationship can be defined by a general fondness for one another and the appreciation of a shared partnership and hopefully the cooperative experience of raising children.

tl;dr: love as portrayed in movies is real but it fades with time because its measurable physiological effects are just there to get you to put a bun in her oven. The second stage of love takes a more effort to maintain since you’re not just riding a high together but it’s calmer and really quite comfy.

END

in response to an 18 year old autist asking about is it possible to really feel true luv or is that just another j00 lie.

NO ITS NOT. And its sad that these young men dont know that, because they have never felt it.

but this response, from a proper mature whyte man, is very very good. true luv is real, but its also ridiculous, and you should expect this honeymoon period to end.

MY issue is, it never did. with me there was never any secs involved or the shit ended well before i was ready. well before the 18 months. shit i wish they DID last 18 months! the FEELINGS certainly lasted 18 months, but the “rel” ended WELL before that.

well shit ok i am past the 18 month mark from when i first fell in luv with HER, which was like in sept 2014. now it is june 2016 and i have made some progress hahaha.

 

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

LIFE IS CHEAP

apri 21

https://www.gq.com/story/my-mom-ran-my-tinder

http://archive.is/thKyY

this was linked on recent fatherland, im sure its ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING

met with staffing agency recruiter today, had first thing even remotely like an interview in 9.4 MONTHS of being a shitbum neet loser!!!!!

took some skills tests on prove it dot com including finally some actual excel simulations. it asked really stupid stuff that i couldnt REMEMBER how to do. like center the worksheet on a printout or where such and such feature was buried. I cheated by looking on google a couple times. I am worried that I did it too SLOWLY to pass. I do not know if i get to see my results. they just tell the recruiter that I am bad at excel. though  I told her I knew about lookups and index match, hahahaha.  didnt have to do those on the simulation though. just sum and avg hahahahaha. there was a pivot table in there.

its degenerate for a 26 year old man to be 4 years removed from a serious relship. (as in the stupid gq article above.) and especially a 26 year old woman!!!

read the article. i mean yeah the son is degenerate and he should let his mother find him a good girl. but he lives in NYC which is a degenerate city and all young men and women are degenerates. and then his stupid UNDEFINED relationship with the woman at the end. its degenerate to not define relationships. either youre friends or youre not. either youre f00king or youre not. He doesnt say they are fooking but I am sure they are. he does say they are NOT dating. not dating but fooking. undefined friends with benefits. a 26 year old man dating a THIRTY year old “girl.”  well this guy is fooked. he has a well meaning mother but it sounds like his father let the mother dominate. but it sounded pretty benign. the kid clearly has no moral compass. well, his mother is the closest thing. he should have let her continue to use his tinder. maybe met MORE THAN ONE woman. meet at least TEN women your mother found for you. and he as a FT job as a GQ writer at age 26 writing gay articles about ONE date his mother set up? i bet he has got to be freelance or contract or part time. not making anywhere near 20 grand a year writing for a big glossy magazine like gq. for that he makes less than a help desk call center worker. he makes less than you. think about that.

not sure what fatherland will say about it, hopefully something similar to that. i mean just say it. these 20 somethings living in NYC are all fooking degenerate with very atomized and cheap relationshits.

in other words, I think tinder is much less degenerate in Flyover Country.

Wore new blue jacket and unstriped white shirt, and new red tie. looked pretty good. shaved beard. coat was a LITTLE big, but not terrible. spent most of my time filling out forms of stuff they could have easily included on the online forms I filled out the day before.

Met with the woman, who was my age or a LITTLE bit younger hahaha. It was VERY distracting because there was another recruiter talking to another candidate in the next cubicle. I could essentially hear the recruiter interviewer the candidate while I filled out my forms. He was ok but asked some hard hitting questions, but the woman candidate was alot more experienced and superior to me, hahaha.

my recruiter was not intimidating and I did ok. Also its kinda good it felt more Informal and Small Time, than a bigass interview with a CEO asking really tough questions.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/

certification board for call centers.

http://www.benchmarkportal.com/call-center-newsresources/calltalk-online-radio-show/calltalk-archive

they even have a podcast hahahaha featuring the ceo of benchmark.

again this is more useful for managers i think, than for level 1 peasants or even level 2. but it might have some usefulness to the level 1 person that feels like they are not being trained appropriately, and might make them more confident at their job.

learning position is code for: you will be overwhelmed with new shit all the time and you should study at least 2 hours a day AFTER work so you can keep up and do the bare minimum hahahaha. but those expectations wont be explained to you. so I will explain them to you now.

fook. that woman doesnt treat her job as a learning position.

its just SAD. we are both decent people who were PUSHED to do less than admirable things. I pushed her. She kinda pushed me. we both overreacted and acted stupidly and shamefully. and the feeling that lingers in the end, now that I have gained some sense of Calm and Perspective, is just straight up SADNESS. that this just sucks. there is no silver lining. I didnt want her out of my life. My life was better with her in it. and she is never coming back.  so its like learning to live after your beloved wife of 50 years has died. you didnt want her to go. you KNOW you cant replace her.

same here. I didnt want her to leave. I still want her to come back. I know no one can replace her. I wish she felt the same about me hahahaha. Well maybe the silver lining is, I get a new suit and a new job that isnt in a call center hahahaha. the thing the recruiter is looking at pays less than I was making though. fook it. as long as SHE isnt there, and it isnt a CALL CENTER, its WORTH IT.

well the recruiter temp client is a mortgage insurance underwriting type place and they do have an Excellent call center, but I told muh recruiter that I am not the best fit for a Call Center job at this time. Hopefully she understands this, unlike the other recruiter who, after 2 attempts, has not seemed to get the message that I do not want their call center job, and they think I will be showing up to their Call Center Help Desk job in a few weeks hahaha.

you email them so they have a record hahahaha that they dont have when you call, right???!?!?!?!

Well I also dont want to be a no call no show and appears that I have Voluntarily Quit that agency hahaha. I’m just not accepting that Call Center Job. Find me another hahahaha.

heres what I did: i gave the actual person (other recruiter that I actually met with haha. Why didnt the first recruiter just have me MEET with them? I kind of appreciate the personal touch hahaha.) a one page resume AND a two page resume. gave them the choice.

this recruiter used skill tests from “prove it” kenexa

the other one

http://www.findly.com/solutions/skillcheck-assessments/

used findly skillcheck tests.

heh. i was nervous before going in but i wasnt super nervous while talking to them, probably because the setting was so informal and it was distracting, and maybe in a good way, to have the “open office” and hear other people have conversations right around the corner. so that actually helped me.

but yeah. that woman. its just so sad. we both snapped in different ways. i acted out, and she totally shut down. and a beautiful long term rel was instantly terminated. pulled the plug.

well she didnt want to go where i wanted to go. i just wish she hadnt been so disgusted by the idea that she couldnt even respond to me. overwhelmed or not. then send an email a month later. have someone else contact me for you. nope. absolutely NOTHING. show you cared about me and that YOU are sad too, that will show me I meant something to you. because when you are close friends like that, it HAS to mean something.

so yeah they have a call center for…..its like an intersection between mortgage and insurance. they sell “lender placed insurance” products. so i guess the lender, ie the mortager, buys insurance from this company. i think. its confusing of course but as long as I am not getting slammed with questions from Mortgage Lenders and especially Mortgage Debtors, I might be able to survive.

I mean these agents and underwriters need to PASS TESTS.

so my concern is that Im able to do complicated insurance stuff where I have no idea what is right and what is wrong. Wrong looks right to me! It’s not obvious, like Sexual Morality! Being a huge slut who jumps into casual sex is OBVIOUSLY wrong. when youre looking at a bunch of insurance shit, or fooking technical computer shit for that matter, its hard to tell if its right or wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortgage_servicer

this not the same as the loan originator hahahaha. who may SOMETIMES sell the servicing rights to fannie mae, who now becomes the servicer. ok.

” Allegations included foreclosures being processed with missing or questionable paperwork (including paperwork showing proper chain of title on the part of the investment bank), falsifying dates and other information in foreclosure documents and “robo-signing,” the practice of paying under-qualified personnel to sign hundreds or thousands of foreclosure documents a day, often without properly reviewing the documents.[5]   ”

robo signing hahaha I could see myself getting into some of that! doing shady unethical gotcha j00ish take the money and run shit that you dont even understand hahahaha. you dont even KNOW youre screwing people. just sign this. oh you didnt read the fine print goy. YOU AGREED TO THIS WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT GOY.

when you didnt really agree to shit because it was impossible to understand hahaha.

PRINCE died today? holy shit. obviously I have not been watching news since like 11 am.

people on twitter are so stupid and black hahahaha. i am just looking at top hashtags. once was for prince dying, but the top one was for Amy, a 15 year old black gurl beaten to death at a skool while other people recorded it for a viral video. they say gurls were fighting over some Boy. probably some alpha male black thug who had casually fooked tons of 15 year old high school gurls, hahahaha. theyre black AND degenerate. not all blacks are degen but most are.

but yeah i can appreciate prince even though he is degenerate too. had some good songs. I would not minded have seeing a concert. never did. now never will.

was of course curious how he died. age 57. didnt really look like it. was skinny. maybe he did coke. wouldnt be surprised.

i mean yeah you say what what did he do recently. he was releasing like an album a year thats what. he was one of those guys. and i guess now that hes dead they will go back and inflate the ratings of his last 20 albums nobodys ever heard of hahaha.

but yeah its sad shit. i still want that woman in my life and i am still Grieving. I didnt want her to leave. I sure didnt want it to end like that. I wanted to Share The Passages of My Life with her. grow old with her haha. this was clearly the type of luv that lifelong luv is built from. i dont want to marry someone or have children with someone unless it feels like that. it wouldnt be fair to THEM hahaha.  and its so hard to believe I will ever meet somebody that perfect ever again. hahaha no she wasnt perfect but i accepted all her faults.

just such a difficult complicated situation. seems tailor made to be as difficult to get over as possible hahaha. I cant hate her, i cant blame her, i cant stop wanting her, its just sad sad sad sad for months and months and years. no anger, i forgive her, i just cant stop wanting her, my life is diminished without her, its just a long time of suffering and pain and grief.

maybe she will go on tinder and sell herself CHEAP. maybe she wont. it could go either way. maybe she wont. and that makes it even harder. knowing that an honestly decent amazing special important woman has just decided that she is better off without you and has you surgically removed from her life like a TUMOR or an aborted fetus.

wish i had a harvard masters degree like peter steele and could get a sweet job with the NYC parks department hahaha. shit he might have even got a PENSION from that job. and if he could be a bipolar alcoholic and hold down the job, anybody could!

also I think he was working there when he wrote the early TON albums and possibly the carnivore stuff. in other words, he was writing REALLY GOOD albums while FT working at a sweet job. now thats a good life!

but he always had trouble with women it seemed. picking the worst women. or maybe the worst women picked him and he was powerless to resist them. i mean women pick men not the other way around. but if any man had SOME semblance of CHOICE, it would be a tall sexy man like him.

april 22

two typing/clerical/assessment tests tomorrow for city / muni jobs tomorrow. hopefully that puts me in some kind of POOL for future consideration and I dont have to take a 2 hour test for every single city job I apply for.

but again I kinda like the tests better than the interviews. no kinda about it. yes i do much prefer the tests. because i am better at tests than interviews. i got an A in calculus 2 hahahaha and computer science 2 and accounting 2.

I’m also jealous of all these people that have BALLS OF STEEL to be able to HACK IT in the call center, when I was not.

And thats the funny thing. she doesnt particularly have BALLS OF STEEL. she runs away from tough conversations. there were plenty of nice, soft people there who werent particularly TOUGH drill seargeant types. my male friend there was a very sensitive unmasculine untough super friendly guy. how do all of them have the super confidence needed to survive at a CALL CENTER hahaha.

in other words, maybe I can survive the call center when SHES not there. probably thats right, I could.

so I SHOULDNT be turning down this well paying call center job Im being offered with TempAgency01.

But I just sent a THIRD email to the recruiter hahaha. this time cc’ed the other manager on the project who is possibly higher up and or more connected to the client than the recruiter is.

i am worried this will blacklist me from ANY jobs with this agency, but it will probably blacklist me less than a no call no show. but I already sent two damn emails saying the same

awww sheeit now I got a CALL from that recruiter saying that maybe I am misunderstanding and I should go to the training at least to get a better idea. I said thank you for the concern and the clarification, I did have a not so great experience at a Call Center and I really don’t want to return to that environment.

so they are having me speak to a lead recruiter who should be calling me right baout now to discuss more details of the job.

i guess the best i can do is be honest about what i didnt like about muh old job. be brutally honest and  also how i can still be a good boy for the staffing agency if i ragequit this assignment hahahaha.

i wonder if she called me because i cc’d the other person hahaha. that got her attention REAL QUICK.

and i wonder if they are being so nice to me because they are salespeople trying to close the deal, get me in the job, equals commission for them.

ok fine they talked me into it. both of the women were very nice hahaha. i could be sold into my own death by nice acting women hahahaha. but the Lead Recruiter was very well recommended on linkedin and went to a good college hahahahaha. and was very good on the phone.

Also I know better than to send emails or make calls at 4:50 pm on a friday hahahaha. or any day really. all my communication with them was finished before 2 pm. on friday hahahaha.

well…shit starts in 10 days. 10 days i start making money, answering calls in the call center. have to last at least a year to not look like a job hopper hahahaha.

well heres the thing. I could probably still use the Temp Agency to find a temp job at least.

if it turns out That Woman is now working at this place, I can say to the temp, yep not a good fit, find me something else. Cuz for like 4 months at least I would be technically employed by the temp, not the client.

Shit they talked me into it. I mean its good money, and if I can survive, it COULD be a good confidence builder. I WAS getting more confident at my stupid help desk call center job BEFORE things started getting bad with the woman. then THAT decreased my confidence for work related matters, and was a terrible vicious circle which simply would not exist at this new place.

it is a huge place which the recruiter assured me had won award for excellence for the past 8 years hahaha.

well this usually means they have really good METRICS. really i dont give a SHIT about metrics, i care about really, honestly, genuinely FIXING shit and giving good advice to people. period. and if it costs too much to fix the shit, I will tell them that, but my level 2s need to tell ME that, so I have an idea of what kind of shit is too expensive to fix.

there was terrible COMMUNICATION at the last place. between levels, between departments, between locations, between us and the callers.

heh. kinda like the terrible communication between me and her.

oh shit i gotta take clerical tests tomorrow.

also, if I can survive at this job, it would be a great boost of CONFIDENCE which I would REALLY appreciate. Also it would allow me to essentially get good “revenge” on her, meaning: my confidence wasnt so permanently destroyed by her, that I couldn’t even work in that FIELD ever again. that is: i can do the WORK, i just dont want to be around HER. I dont want my crazy reaction to HER to destroy my WORK SKILLS.

well im taking a big risk to prove something to myself. and what if i fail and break down again hahaha.

well at least i TRIED. then I REALLY know I should stay away from the call center.

but I DID IT BEFORE!!!!

and SHES DOING IT NOW!!!!!!!!

tons of people who are NOT VERY SMART and NOT VERY TOUGH are doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!

and i still have plenty of valium. and half the 10 people they are hiring are black hahahaha. i hate being inferior to blacks, and i especially hate being inferior to women who have harshly dumped me.

ok ok ok if its super horrible, I will use the temp agency to find an easy data entry job that pays like 12 DAH. noting in my cover letter my desire to get out of my job as soon as possible, will take a big pay cut, just get me out of there.

god damn. just received rejection letter from like a 13 dollar an hour county office clerk job. I was cautiously optimistic on that one. no interview. no tests. just a rejection. shit i think all jobs should have all their seekers take some kind of damn skills test. excel, word, customer service, decision making. then call in the people who did well on the tests.

give it a try for 6 months, and if i dont like it, i can blow my brains out then hahahahahahhahahahaha.

no i am kidding. i will just ragequit and then beg one of these two temp agencies for a Data Entry job for 10 bucks an hour. available immediately. i really cant handle call centers.

maybe make a contact with one of the black techs to buy MJ from them hahahahaha.

i am absolutely sure people from my old job left there to go to this job. but i cant remember who. i know one guy was THINKING of leaving, went to the training, and then ultimately decided to stay with our shitty job. i dont know why. he was a nice guy but i think the job was getting to him and he was becoming stressed and despairing. he was always shy and quiet and as time went on he became more shy and quiet in the bad way.  he had a useless degree in journalism or some shit with tons of student loans. he deserved much better even though he was a damn dirty leftist bernie voting swpl antiracist white guy hahaha. as things at work got more ridiculous, he channeled his rage into growing an absolutely ridiculous nietzscheesqe moustache which I complimented him on several times and which he accepted very awkwardly. he was very socially awkward even though he worked in a CALL CENTER and i think he also had a gurlfran. despite not being a masculine or charismatic man.  he was super skinny though. and not really tall. some gurls like super skinny guys. the worst is when you are not tall, but also not super skinny. like me. you have a potato shape and have to bust your ass not to bloat up into a potato. i will never be super skinny, i will have to WORK to not be Overweight. the curse of a potato body.

I mean I should give things TWO chances right? and this place will either be better, worse, or about the same, overall, as the old place. what is certain is that I will be making more money hahaha. And I had two recruiters encouraging me to go to the paid training after I had Frankly Expressed Reservations to both of them. So that really did convince me a bit.

But what if the other place calls me back soon? they might.

Well…..May 2nd, 10 days from now, a week from MONDAY, is the start date for the god damn job i am worried about. they said 17 DAH and I shouldnt be saying that, its confidential hahahaha. the other job is 13 DAH. however I am willing to give up 160 dollars a week, which is only 32 dollars a DAY goy. to have an easier, lower stress job.

weird feeling to express concerns about the job and then have somebody still encourage you to Try It. this is a JOB we’re talking about, not some weird exotic food. you would think, oh, you have the least bit of trepidation? ok then see ya, we’ll just find somebody who really wants it!

so to have someone offering you a job, you saying i really dont know, i dont like tech support call centers, i reallllllyyyyy dont know about this, and then saying come on, this one will be different, i dunno. i never had that happen before.

april 23

sheeeeit. spend a beautiful saturday taking assessment tests for municipal/city Clerk job. the first was a full time clerk job, 34k a year. there were about 40 people taking this test. it had 65 multiple choice questions and one “written portion”, where you simply write a revised edition of a rather unprofessionally written memo. no typing, no excel, no computers. they did the test with booklets and paper and pencils. The whole thing could have been done online, on your computer, which would have been more fair to the People rearranging their schedules to take the stupid test.

there were analogies, definitions of words. ambition is to success as intention is to _______. immediately I thought “action”, then looked at the choices. there was action and there was also decision. I thought, well, decision could work too. since technically it could go intention leads to decision which then leads to action.

i also realized i didnt know the meaning of “obligatory.” I didnt know if it meant necessary or unnecessary! I tink I was confusing it with “Gratuitous.” meaning something you dont HAVE to do, but it would be REALLY NICE if you DID do it, but not technically MANDATORY. well, turns out it IS mandatory. good thing I changed my answer to that.

there was a section with 11 sentences. you had to determine the order the sentences should go in. that was pretty tough.

stuff with putting numbers and words in order, all of them deliberately tricky, like 77.177 vs 71.117 etc.

checking the copy vs the original and saying are there 0,1,2,3 or 4 errors here.

http://www.saving.org/inflation/inflation.php?amount=1,000,000&year=1970

heh. try this inflation calculator. see how much 34000 is in 1970 dollars.

that took almost the full 2 hours. maybe 1 hour and 45 minutes. i figure 3 or 4 people out of 40 will get an interview. then one lucky prick gets the sweet 34k a year entry level job. that or they are just going through the motions and already know whose cousin or daughter is going to get the job hahahaha.

i was one of the last people to finish. hope they werent counting that against us. I am a really slow test taker. this is bad because slow is bad hahaha.

then I went and smoked a cig and waited for the next test to begin in like 30 minutes.

this was for a part time clerk job that pays 13 dollars an hour.

there was about 25 people taking this test. not that many people were taking both tests. there was a neet looking man taking the test for the 13 DAH PT job. he was wearing a SUIT and had a ponytail long hair and goatee. looked like a real help desk type. top speed video card in his gaming machine. must have forgot his fedora at home. prob has a darwin or FSM sticker on his foriegn car hahahaha

anyway he finished way before me. 90% of people finished before me. this test seemed even more ridiculous, especially considering what it was for. i think some people say FOOK THIS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME and just got up and left. why am I wasting 2 hours of a beautiful saturday, to try to get in the top 10% of this stupid ridiculous test, so I can have an interview, and have 70% chance of not getting, a 13 dollar an hour part job for prob no more than 25 hours a week?

there was like one sort of cute somewhat younger girl, maybe about 25. I should have Asked Her Out hahahaha but nobody was that social in the test taking room. anyway she finished WAY before me.

its not like I was finishing early and then taking a long time to double check answers. there was no double checking.

this one was 100 questions, no written portion. it probably was more excruciating than the first test…..and for a much worse paying job.

shit like:

HH: 555555SSSSS555555SS5S5S5S5S5S555S5S5SSS555SSSS5555SS

II: 5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS5555SSS55SS55S5S555SSSSS55555SS5S5

JJ: SSS5S5S5S5S555S555SSS555SS5S5S5S5555SS5S555SSS555SS55S

KK: 5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS555SSS5555SS5S5SS55S5S5S5S555S5S55SSS5

which set has the least number of 5’s?

which set has the highest number of S’s?

which 2 sets have equal numbers of 5’s?

that was especially ridiculous and I think might have signalled the start of FOOK THIS SHIT walkouts.

and then there were another 4 or 5 sets of 3’s and 8’s hahahaha.

all on very shitty xerox.

also sets of 4 or 5 numbers where you had to determine how many of them WERE exactly the same.

93745740 vs 93747540

04058261 vs 04058261

59204852 vs 59204852

29375041 vs 29357041

and so on.

and then you have to say two rows are exactly the same.

and then like 5 questions like that and you are starting to get dyslexic. if you’re not already dyslexic, and lots of people ARE, then you will be.

but if you are even a little dyslexic, you will not pass this test. no 13 dollar an hour, 25 hour a week job for you, ya dyslexic loser!!!!

also took almost the full 2 hours on this one. there was about 2 or 3 out of 25 people still there when i left.

its just funny. 13 dollars an hour was 4.20 an hour in 1980.  did you have rooms of 25 people taking a ridiculous 100 question test, of which the 3 or 4 highest scores get an interview, and one lucky prick gets that cadillac job, did it work like that in 1980?

shit. now im hoping temp agency 2 calls me back with the 13 dollar an hour “data entry” job rather than forcing me to take the 17 dollar an hour Call Center job, hahahaha.  i’ll do it for 12 dollars hahaha.

trying to psych myself up to do social appearance at pub tonight, saturday night. it would be nice gesture for the guy’s birthday. but it gets so busy there on weekends, like really packed. and people might pressure me to do karaoke like everyone else. im not against doing karaoke but i cant decide a god damn song. i mean it helps if you do a song everybody knows. not fooking weird carnivore and type o negative songs hahaha.

but i am kinda curious if there will be any qt gurls there, there probably will be. and i have a morbid obsession that That Woman might be there, even though she never went to bars, which was part of why i liked her. But she has good chance of becoming more slutty and social now. prob going out to bars and going out wiht all her new friends.

but this is not a well known bar, i think i mentioned it to her once and she had never heard of it. but maybe she goes there. its not well known, its kind of in the middle of nowhere, but on weekend it gets PACKED with white rednecks, my type of people in other words.

heh. times like this i wish I could still drink. like get drunk on a saturday night once in a while. like normies do!

maybe if i didnt have to drive.

or if i lived in amsterdam or colorado and could just order a fat spliff instead of drinking hahaha.

do they do recreational MJ in washington state?

washington dc its allowable, you just cant SELL it. so you have to GIVE it to people. be like here’s your free bag of weed and your 50 dollar……candy bar. cup of coffee.

recreational marijuana use is fully legal in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington and the District of Columbia.

i mean it will probably happen in my state in the next 10 years.

i mean there is a less than 1% chance the woman will be at this bar. but chances are she is fooking new guys who want her to go out to new places. but even when she was fooking her short term n199er bf who she was in love with, she didnt want to go to parties and bars with him, which is prob part of why he cheated on her hahahaha.  well i didnt think cheating was even possible when nobody owns each other hahaha.

empco. that was the name of the company that did the second test today. can’t remember anything on the first test. i think it was a diff company from the looks of it.

WHY call in 20 to 40 people for one day only, print up dozens of test booklets, etc, when they could have done ALL this online? because that would have made the barrier to entry lower. the people who didnt WANT it as bad could have still conveniently taken the test.

but isnt it CHEAPER to do it online, i mean for the employer?

so why not do something thats cheaper?

you would be amazed that for harping about cutting costs and increasing productivity and efficiency, many companies do things that are BLATANTLY stupid and inefficient. because of politics, beauracracy, red tape, chains of command, approval. they might save money in the long run, but not in the short run. and the short run is the only thing that matters. thats what i know about business hahahaha.

i mean really i am having second thoughts about going out. i mean it is literally so packed and busy that you cant sit down, its loud and noisy, conversation is hard enough. if you like doing drinking and karaoke its one thing. i used to like doing those things. but………i mean i will see this guy later in the week, i can buy him a drink then!!!!

but theres a .0000001% chance SHE will be there!!!

ARE YOU FOOKING KIDDING ME????

that is the LAST reason I SHOULD go!

really i SHOULD go. just go for the guys birthday. it will be a fun change of pace. this is how people meet their wives. i mean SOME decent women go to this place. and some indecent women hahahaha. i might not mind that either.

shit. it might be different if i were going with a friend rather than showing up there. or going to a small house party. i like those.

i could probably get a medical MJ card by saying that because of the meds i take for my despair, a side effect of those is nausea, or muscle spasms. boom.

now do i need to give them medical history? sometimes yes, the less shady the MJ 420 dr is.

i mean it COULD be on the ballot THIS november if enough signatures are collected by…june 1.

need to get 60000 more legit signatures out of 250000 in the next….37 days. they are taking donations and using “professional signature getters” they are paying. and of course also taking volunteers. I should volunteer hahaha.

well i was also thinking of going to the training for this call center job, because the training is valuable. there is no free training materials available on the internet. you gotta pay 1000 bucks to take a call center training class. I have a call center textbook now so that is kewl, but there needs to be more books like that, and websites for the poor shmucks answering the phones and trying to solve problems AND figure out what to say. there is nothing for these people on the whole wide internet. i am tempted to go to the training and just be REALLY difficult.

like really GRILL the trainers. like who are YOU. i want to see you take a phone call right now. get some phones in this training room right now. then we go around all the new people and everyone gets their turn in the hot seat. but they have An Experienced Level 2 with them every step of the way. do this. do that. look this up. here’s what this means. say this. explain it this way. this is happening because of this. tell them this, because this. ok ok let me take over here. basically have 2 people on the call, and have everyone watch and learn as the experienced person held the hand / acted as training wheels for the newbie. We would see their screen and hear their call. after their call, they would breathe a sign of relief, and not have to go up again for 10 calls, and could watch the other newbs.

its like every call is being called up to do a problem on the board in front of the class. except you do that all day. with shittiest help and guidance.

and I would be difficult and asking fookloads of questions from the very first day of training: how do i search cases? can we do that training method I said above? why not? it’s fookin brilliant. hire me right now as a trainer.

they did not do that with my previous job. they had the classroom and then we looked at the systems. but the classroom was NOT SET UP TO TAKE PHONE CALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then we went out on the floor to Shadow people. but some of these people were good and some not so good. because there was no ongoing training after your first shitty training period. you just grew up like a feral child.

it would help a lot to have newbs take calls while being actively guided by several experienced trainers who could help them every step of the way. and train us with 1000 calls that way. hahaha. or at least 100.

but that would make too much SENSE.

whenever there is something that is written unclearly, IE every knowledge base article, shit that brings up more questions than it answers, i’ll say, well, this is unclear and misleading. who writes these. how can we update them. is there a talk page for this, or can we make edits, like wikipedia? who CHECKS this stuff? is this stuff proven to work? is this really a BEST practice? i want stuff that is approved by people who actually answer phones and do stuff, not level 3 phaggots who havent taken a call ever.

give us simple clear steps, not a 9000 page thing. give us a few sentences of plain english we can explain to the caller. we shouldnt need a manual for the manual when we are trying to figure stuff out FAST. reading confusing instructions for the first time and pretending like we are an expert.

Trainers? when was the last time you pretty boys took a CALL? give me a level 1 person who’s survived a year on PHONES and have THEM train us.

yeah i had a bad experience with the Last Call Center, and I didnt want to come here either, but 2 recruiters told me to give the training a chance, plus I didnt have to interview for a job that pays 17 bucks an hour, when for other 13 dollar an hour part time office clerk jobs which are WAY easier, I ahve to take a 2 hour test just to have a 2% chance at getting the job.  i really dont want to be here unless you convince me this is a good place that isnt managed like shit.

there needs to be COMMUNICATION between everybody. there cant be these big secrets where the smart people figure it out and find the hidden knowledge, while the Dumb Level 1’s flail and drown and blind leading the blind, throwing spaghetti at wall, throwing darts blindfolded. FOOK YOU I QUIT.

and if the 13 dollar an hour excel data entry job calls me back during the training, I’m leaving your 17 dollar an hour call center job.

but its 17 dollars an hour! thats more money than i have ever made, and more than I made with the last job.

more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to make more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!

but I would also be ok with a less stressful job with no phones and less service, at 13 dollars an hour.

why is every fookin job a HELP DESK CALL CENTER JOB????

they pay all right, but why the fook cant I just get a boring routine data entry job for 13 bucks an hour? how come I dont get offers coming up to me saying they will hire me for that without an interview???!?!?!?!

yet I can get a 17 dollar an hour job without an interview????????!?!?!?!?!?!?

but its in the one thing that strikes insane fear and dread and panic into my heart???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

why is GOD PUNISHING me like this??!?!?!?!?!

just BLESS me with a easy, boring, low stress 13 dollar an hour job! 12 dollars! you can keep you 17 dollars!

yeah not going out. they go out too LATE anyway. i dont want to be leaving the house at 9 pm or later!!!!!

 

I AM (NOT) A DEMISEXUAL

122

what i will miss is the COMFORT i had with her. we both knew, trusted and accepted each other and i was comfortable being myself around her.

i never felt like i was waiting for the other shoe to drop, like i was with women i was “dating.”

i HATED “dating” because it was such a fast, forced, RUSHED. things started off ok, but i was always like, this is gonna end soon. and it always did. they lost interest, flaked out. i thought it was stupid to get physical so soon, but i did so anyway because when was i ever gonna get a cute young gurl again, so im glad i did. but the whole pseudo relationships were so gay and stupid. beginning, middle, and end all within a couple months. you never get to really KNOW the person, you never get comfortable around them, you never TRUST them, and they decide they know you well enough to dump you, lost interest in you?

this is why i prefer becoming friends with women before dating them. and i never had that work, but i know its better than the alternative.

because the alternative SUCKS.

but it takes at LEAST 6 months to a YEAR for me to become full friends with somebody. and by then, most women will have you in the “FRIENDZONE” if you havent FOOKED them within a few WEEKS.

well thats on them. women shouldnt BE fooking men within a few weeks. they shuld be willing to wait a year. thats how i would raise my daughter hehehe.

i think when i first met That Person, i appreciated that she was a good looking young woman and i wouldnt mind banging her.

BUT when i found out we got along really well, i soon began to care much LESS about banging her and much MORE about just getting along with her. plus i didnt really want to bang anyone, i was still stuck on the previous woman who had recently rejected me.

when i get rejected, i dont really want to bang anyone, even attractive women.

last night i struggled to think of attractive women to B34t off to, and i couldn’t. i could think of attractive women sure, but none i wanted to bang more than HER.

thats is, that tears it: I AM A DEMISEXUAL. coming out of the closet.

meaning i cant be super secsually interested in someone unless i have deeper feelings for them, and know them.

how about this. as soon as you meet a female friend you tell them that they are attractive but since you are a heartbroken demisexual, you dont really want to bang anyone right now. you are sexually and emotionally unavailable.

and if you get along really well with your new female friend and want to do something physical….

WHAT THE FOOK IS WRONG WITH JUST CUDDLING AND MAKING OUT???

WHY IS THAT SO WEIRD AND FOOKING IS SO NORMAL?

ONLY IN A THOROUGHYL DEGENERATE SOCIETY IS SOMETHING SO MORALLY ABHORRENT POSSIBLE.

I’m not against cuddling and making out AT ALL. i think you CAN do these within 1 month. just no fooking!

but noooooooo, you start making out with a woman and then during the first makeout she is shoving her tongue in your mouth, grabbing your D, and thinks youre a beta if you dont fook her at the time of the First Makeout!

degenerate! morally abhorrent!

make out (tongueless, that tongue shit is DEGENERATE) and cuddle for a YEAR! THEN have secs!

of course, it seems kinda STUPID to do this with a woman who has ALREADY had S with 90 guys all within 1 week. then honestly they dont DESERVE to be treated with the kid gloves, because they are not innocent as all.

great comment on Woes video:

” Robertus Antoninus 4 hours ago (edited)
+Millennial Woes Keep the young women and use their wombs to carry to term in-vitro fertilized eggs from high quality white women. Now that is eugenics!

In fact, we could make that a stipulation for aid to the third world. The technology exists to cause a population boom in high iq whites. Our only problem would be looking after so many newborns when we take them back.

I sound like Dr Strangelove, lol.  ”

now thats thinking outside of the box!

he’s talking about basically muslim (asian, arab, brown) women carrying white children. white eggs, white sperm, growing to term in a brown uterus.

this definitely CAN be done and you will get a white baby, but i wonder about the bath of Brown Hormones for 9 months hahahaha. I would be willing to experiment with it tho.

i mean you would have to harvest the eggs from the women, then fertilize them, then implant these fertilized eggs into the nonwhites, which would probably cost at least….50000 dollars? per fertilized egg. but well worth it imho hahahaha.

basically, brown women having white babies, because white women are not willing to do so. VERY INTERESTING.

she was very important to me. she was one of my favorite people. the thought of her motivated me and lifted me up and made me stronger and more confident. just the thought of cuddling with her and being With Her and being Soulmates hahahahaha. and now she is gone forever. that is gonna be painful for anyone.

a GOOD breakup is painful enough. a BAD breakup is EVEN MORE painful, it makes you blame yourself and lose all confidence in yourself, you feel worthless, begin to doubt your ability to do anything in life.

also it hurts more to be the dumpee than the dumper because you didnt want it to end, you were willing to work on it.

SO, THEREFORE, QED, to be dumped in a BAD way is super painful.

i shouldnt have to mansplain these Day 1 Basics of Emotional Intelligence. That a Bad Breakup is worse than a Good Breakup. COME ON! am i talking to INFANTS? yes. hahahaha.

but even when she was being mean and awful, just having her in my life gave me some emotional support and strength. and all that is gone now. i like having a person who can play that role. a kind loving woman to be nice to me and spend time with and give some (not ridiculous amount) of emotional support.

so thats all gone.

it hurts when you lose someone important to you. period.

why am i even saying this? all people know this. even women. even her. women arent so emotionally infantile that they dont understand this. she probably knows im hurting. shes just not courageous enough to face it. or she is so disgusted by me daring to like her that she thinks i deserve this. but no one deserves this.

http://demisexuality.org/articles/am-i-demisexual-if/

google am i demisexual

http://demisexuality.org/articles/could-i-be-demisexual/

i dont fooking know it seems autistic. i mean i am comfortable with being generally CIS HETERO, just that i dont have a STRONG secs drive for people i dont know. I mean i can say yeah she’s attractive but i just dont CARE. i dont start CARING about secs until i know the person (WOMAN) and have developed something of a friendship or emotional connection with them.

i think its stupid you have to have sex with somebody RIGHT AWAY. i lose respect for the woman, i dont trust her, i get dumped quickly, and i am rightfully worried about getting dumped quickly, becuase i dont trust the person not to lose interest in me.

yeah i mean i have sexual attraction to lots of attractive women, so i guess im not demisexual.

i just prefer not to have secs unless there is an emotional connection, because i believe secs should not be separated from emotion. what do you call this orientation hahaha? its clearly similar to demi, but not quite.

OK i guess im not demi:

”  Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all.  ”

Are You Demisexual Test
Results
You have reached 72 of 100 points, (72%)

demisexual quiz

If you got 60 points or above, you are Demisexual.

If you received a score below 60 points, you may like to take our following tests:

Are You Asexual? Test
Sapiosexual Test
Are You Pansexual? Test
Note: It’s normal to receive a score within the 40 – 60 range, as most people aren’t necessarily attracted to other people on a regular basis.

http://lonerwolf.com/demisexual-test/

from this quiz. imho the quiz is not valid and doesnt understand what demisexuals think demi is.

this is the top definition on urban dictionary

“TOP DEFINITION
demisexual
Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen.

Demisexuality does not refer to the active restraint or repression of sexual desires or actions.

Demi- is a prefix meaning half. This is used to mean halfway between sexual and asexual. The term originated in the asexual community, specifically within the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).
Sexual partner: Hey, I think you are sexy. *aroused*
Demisexual partner: I’d have to reach a higher level of emotional intimacy before I could feel the same way. =\
Sexual partner: Oh, I see. Well, we can do something enjoyable together. =/
Demisexual partner: =D We can bake a cake for now!
Sexual partner: Sure! That’s always fun, although we seem to be doing that a lot. =D
Demisexual partner: *squeee! bonding time!*
by chara89 May 11, 2011”

so in other words, true demi is autistic and phaggy becuase how else would the conversation play out like that. and who else would say “SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!! BONDING TIME!!!” like a real phaggot. and why wouldnt the sexual partner say your weird im out, theres millions of guys who will fook me, im not willing to bake LOTS of cakes with you.

squeeee. what the fook does that mean. sounds like something an anime neet would say.

god damn how is this so hard for you normies to understand. i see attractive women all the time. 21 year old, yound purty women. but i dont CARE about putting in the EFFORT to actually have secs with them.

however if i make friends with a pretty young gurl, get to know her, then get feelings for her, THEN i care a great deal about havin secs with them, and find secs a very emotional physical act hahahaha.

have i ever had secs wihtout emotions?

well usually i start getting positive emotions right after making out with a grill, even if they are a dirty skank hahha.

so i am NOT demi.

I am attracted to people all the time. i just dont CARE tho. because i treat sex with REVERENCE and CHOOSE to save myself for essentially moral reasons.

but if an attractive gurl wanted to have secs with me with no effort on my end……..i definitely would. i just wouldnt TRUST a woman for a long term rel tho, if she has secs early. i dont TRUST women who ALSO dont have reverence for secs, and i think women SHOULD have more reverence for S than men……because S is much more dangerous for women than men.

“Demisexual
A person pretentious enough to refer to themselves as a demisexual; a straight person piggy-backing onto the LGBT movement.
Person 1: OMG I could never come out to my parents that I’m a demisexual. I’m so unique and different from all the people at my school who just want to have sex casually, I’m waiting for love and that’s why I’m queer!

Person 2: My IQ just dropped 20 points listening to you.
by Dr. Bluefish December 28, 2012
1470 upvots   2639 down ”

from urban dictionary, a downvoted definition that i thought was funny.

so if its a pretentious way for a CIS HET NORMIE person to feel like a SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE, that means its fairly NORMAL to Prefer Sex with an Emotional Attachment??? I WOULD HOPE SO!!! in my moral paradise, yes, that WOULD be normal, than a bunch of degenerate r-types having casual sex like RATS!!!!!!

just say i am anti casal sex.

IM NOT A DEMISEXUAL, I JUST DONT LIKE CASUAL SEX. because i think its degenerate.

i have sexual attraction for many, and “romantic attraction” for only a few, ie people i know, and I prefer not to act on sexual attraaction unless there are romantic attraction.

IM NOT A DAMN AUTISTIC DEMISEXUAL SNOWFLAKE SJW. I just like to KNOW, TRUST, LIKE, and have a proper relationship with the people i have secs with.

well, i suppose if i WERE a confident normalfag extravert and it came NATURALLY to me, that i always had OPPORTUNITIES for sex with attractive women, then i guess i would prob partake of that a little bit. but i would prob tire of it and still want a real rel.  and not with the types of women who give themselves up casually.

ok lemme explain it this way. secs with someone you love would be 1000000000000000000000 times better and more meaningful and profound and emotional and positive than secs with someone who you DONT know, even though that may be fun, even though they may be technically more attractive than the person you love.

for example, i saw a gurl at the fatness club who technically was easily more attractive than THAT PERSON: about 20 years old, long blond hair, perfect body, beautiful skin, great shape, long legs, pretty much a perfect 10, amazing that women this beautiful even exist. oh she must be airbrushed or anorexic hahaha. bullshit. she was drop dead gorgeous, no bullshit makeup, no computer trickery, just a young gurl at the Gym, not all slutted up, ALTHOUGH she was waering too tight of clothes for my liking, but this is the norm at the Gym, and its unfortunately. you wonder why guys are staring at you? because you are a perfect 10, in great shape, and it looks like your clothes are PAINTED ON.

anyway i was of courshe “sexually attracted” to this woman, yet i didnt raelly care about having S with her, and would 90000000000000000000000000000000 times more prefer to have Intimate Emotional S with That Person. even if That Person had more physical shortcomings hahahaha.

so in other words, S with someone you love is 9000000000000000000000 times better than S with the Best Looking Random Stranger. even if that random stranger is a 20 year old perfect 10. and your loved person is a 25 year old 7.5 hahahahaha.

 

WALKAWAY WIVES

101

shit. the best rel i ever had with a woman has ended in the worst possible way, and she did not have to do that. so yeah i fee sorta betrayed in that i never expected her to do something so harsh to me. try a little tenderness hahahaha. kinda adds to my “women are twofaced” “stereotype” hahahahaha.

the women i “pseudodated” who i much less significant “rels” with, dumped me in MUCH better ways.

and she is a better person that to do something like this. this is just ridiculous. worst dumping EVER for me. i cannot take much more of this! i realllllllllllllly did not need this at this time! not ever but especially not now! at this age, after so much failure, with the woman i was closest with ever.

its “fine” she didnt return muh feelings, she just didnt have to reject me in THAT WAY! pleaseeeeeee TRY to let me down easier than THAT! i did not do anything to deserve THAT! does she WANT to make me hate her???!?!?! i am this close to being a MIsogynist Woman Hater anyway! i WANT to hate women LESS, not MORE!!!!!!!

maybe she does want me to hate women. maybe she just wants me to hate HER so i stay away from her forever. yeah well thats stupid. a lot of guys would harass or stalk you. but not me! i say yep you can ruin my life and break my heart and i will just send you 1 email per 10 days, 3 emails, and thats it.  what a good guy. other guys would get drunk and beat and raep her, slash tires, show up unannounced, etc. but not me! nope i just sit here broken hearted, came to shit but only farted hahahahaha.

damn. she was muh friend because i thought she was a NAWALT woman. now she has done such terrible shit to me that i have to force myself to say NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT NAWALT even tho i thought she was the best nawalt ever! and i know shes not really a huge btich but she is capable of being a huge bitch and i am Just So Hurt that she was a huge bitch to ME who used to be one of her good friends.  and imho getting feelings isnt a hostile thing that you should punish like this. you absolutely will not be able to be “just friends” anymore, but its not a damn CRIME thats punishable by treating the person who got feelings HORRIBLY. Its just not a horrible crime!!!!

anyway. it just amazes and shocks me that peopel can be so comfortable with their bodies that the NORM is for people to have casual sex.  including her hahahaha. i just want to find a woman who doesnt like casual sex hahahaha. and who wont reject me.

well they can reject me but reject me NICELY hahahaha.

she was kind of inexperienced at dumping men, i think mainly she got dumped, or had mutual agreements to end a rel. so she just hasnt had enough Dumping Experience to know how to Do It Well!

what would the voice of reason say. that yep this sucks, did not see this coming, you didnt deserve this, she shoulda handled it better, yeah so thought it was cool she was not a huge whore, but she still treated you like shit and you deserve better, chin up, somebody better will come along.

hahahaha or how about she was a 10 and most other women are a 0 and maybe one day i can hope to get a 5 hahahahahaha.

damn. did another 4.2 miler.

i just cant get over this, this is HORRIBLE. i want her so bad, after 2.5 months. yeah its gotten better, the time and distance has been ok, but shit. the pain is still right there.

it doesnt help that theres the crushing loserdom and derpression (“DESPAIR”) as well.

just feel like i can do NOTHING and i will fail at every job and every interview and every woman, and i am sick of being a huge failure too. literally the only thing i can do successfully is write here, and walk 8 miles a day hahaha.

but other than that? NOTHING. if she had “just” liked me back muh whole life would be diff wawawaawaaw. we could get married and have kidz and cuddle erry day hahaha. but noooooooo.

maybe i am just having a bad day. some days think yeah i will get over it but it will just take time. today i just feel dead as fook.

she didnt technically KILL me, she was a great distraction from the loserness and patheticness of my life, and now shes gone, thats all i got. she was my main ray of sunshine. well she was up until like 7 months ago hahaha. it is so hard just to survive. i have no idea how i am gonna rebuild muh life. get a new job, ever make another female friend, etc.

stuff like this makes me want to contact her! i mean whats the worst that could happen? her not respond? shit i know theres a 99% chance she wont respond! its that 1% chance im hoping for.

how would it have been different if she had dumped me in a good way?

shit i think it would be HALF as bad at least. i would know she didnt hate me;

i would blame myself less;

i could hate her more easily and conveniently and make her the villain

but yeah.

well why is it important that she doesnt HATE me? well because she damn seemed like she hated me, and i didnt do anything worth hating me forever over!

she was too much, the job was too much, her at the job was too much. if they had been seperated i would have handled each thing a lot better.

i mean i guess i still can hate her.

and i only blame myself a minority of the time.

but yeah i miss having a female friend.

but she stopped being my friend long ago!

but i didnt know that! she would still respond to texts and she made it SOUND like she wanted to remain my friend, she was just going through tuff times.

i knew that we could not stay just friends, but from what she was saying, i didnt think she would be so offended by me meeting her at the event, or me trying to damn talk to her.

see what happens when you AVOID shit and you dont COMMUNICATE? you get VERY hard feelings, broken heart, new bout of despair, etc.

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/challenges/drifting-apart/emotional-abandonment-when-your-spouse-shuts-you-out

emotional abandonment, eh?? nice term hahaha

”  Realize that if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship. ”

well it was gradual, but then it was also very suddent at the end. the precipitating event was i met her at the event. oh im such a bad guy. i met her at a think where we both knew we were gonna be there and which in the past we would ahve gone to together no question. but she was evasive when i asked about going with her. maybe im the bad guy because i didnt read that signal to mean i dont want to see you at all.

well the other signal was she had turned her phone off when she got there so she did nto respond to muh texts or phone call when i got there.

so did i walk around the place looking for her?

kind of, yes.

therefore, i was STALKING her, so i AM the bad guy.

and thats why she was so weird and distant the whole time.

i shouldnt have even GONE but my interest in the event was independent of her. its the type of thing that would just be good for me to go to if i had any damn energy to do activities related to muh interests. but it has to involve a damn woman before i take action on anything.

  • Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow. “

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/Stonewalling-In-Marriage-Relationships.htm

If you are a wife reading this and hoping to find a way to get him to stop folding his arms and huffing every time you attempt to communicate a problem, these five tips for effective communication by Deborah Spring Laurel is a good starting point.

If you are a husband who is tired of a “nagging” wife show her this article and both of you work on building new communication skills in the marriage.

  • Disengage: When we disengage, we set aside differences temporarily, while we remain willing to address them at a later time. It involves taking time to reflect, reduce the tension, and let our emotions settle.
  • Empathize: To empathize is to put ourselves figuratively in the other person’s place. That very act will help squelch defensiveness because we acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
  • Inquire: When we inquire, we uncover the concerns of the other person. Asking questions allows us to focus on our task rather than our disagreement. After we inquire, we need to listen carefully, giving the other person our complete attention.
  • Disclose: When we disclose, we reveal our feelings, needs and goals to the other person. We can do this with “I statements” that describe our emotions, the precipitating event, and its tangible impact.
  • Depersonalize: When we depersonalize, we evaluate behavior rather than the person, and we look at our work as something we do rather than what we are. This allows us to free ourselves and others from the need to respond defensively.

also i just feel real tired.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/19498-wife-refuses-communicate-me-should-i-move-out.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

walkaway wives

102

yep. slept ok with no weird dreams, maybe feel a little better, but not much. hehehe i feel like alanis morisette in “yououghta kn0w” hahaha.

also i hate the thought of the woman casually sucking guys off. women blowing dudes seems so degenerate and pornified and i dont like the thought of normal women doing that, let alone HER! also it is seen as something even more casual than casual sex. ya meet a guy, boom 2 minutes later, sucking his dick, swallowing his jizz. no big deal.

so yeah i dont like to think of her doing that!

but shes out there maybe sucking dick and not even thinking of me, yet i am still obsessed with her!

how can women get over guys so fast and so easy?

i think its more of a case of how can the DUMPER get over the dumpee so fast and easy?

EASY, they wanted out, they did the dumping, they made up their mind, they were already emotionally checked out months in advance, they were already getting over it when they did the dumping.

damn. i just never thought she would want to dump me! let alone like that! if she were already over it, why was SHE so emotional?

oh well shes sucking dicks now and has deleted me from her life hahahaha.

i wonder what she did with the nice present i gave her for crimmus last year. did she get rid of it? hide it away? or probably just forget she even had it hahahaha. or what about the nice mix cd i gave her hahahaha. i am a sucker for that sort of thing. i  hoped that would Build Intimacy between us. nope no chance!

did she angrily throw these things away? or just be like meh. and forget they were even there.

did she search for all the emails that i had sent her and which she i think had responded to a few, back in the good old days, and delete all them? hahahah i sure did.

did she block or set emails from my address to go to spam, so she never read email3 and 4?

i figure theres a change she read email2, where i confessed i had feelings for her and that i was having a tuff time and had resigned muh job hahahaha. and that i was sorry sorry sorry. i did not say please respond though. but i said i would always be open to talking to her, i hope we can talk again in the future.

heh. i wished her friends and family would have advised her to dump me more gently. maybe they did. maybe she didnt even mention it to them! or maybe she played me up as a bad guy who suddenly went all cray cray and started harrassing and stalking her, so i dont deserve to be dumped gently, but kicked to the curb.

well i certainly never stalked her, but i was pushy. but did the pushy cross into harrassment? also it was always “nice” pushy rather than mean pushy, like hang out with me bitch. it was more like pleaseeeee hang out with meeeee i want to work on our friendshipppppp i miss uuuuuuu etc hahahahah pathetic.

yeah. its rough man. how you could feel so strongly for someone and they dont care about you. but they USED to care about you. as a friend only though. but as soon as you switch on the feelings, they switch them off, and dont even care about you as a person anymore. and you care for them more and more, and they care for you less and less, and then its all over.

wawawawawaw i thought she cared for me as-a-human-being more! so our friendship died when i got feelings. ok. thats understandable. but you dont throw the dead body in a shallow grave, you mourn and cry and give it a respectful burial and remember it as the nice thing it was.

and then quickly get over it and become a whore sucking dicks of guys you just met hahahahaha. no i dont know THAT, but it wouldnt matter anyway would it?

but yeah. if i just met her it would be different. if i had never been her actual friend it would have been different. but friends for 2 years. you just dont fooking throw that away like it NEVER EXISTED. yep this is probably worse than a death, because we’re both still alive. and i have to live with the fact that she just walked away.

walk away wives. oh yeah. thats when its a ticking time bomb and the husbands ignore or balk at their wives valid complaints, know as “NAGGING” hahahahah, and then she stops nagging, husband thinks ok shes settled down good, then years later, the wife walks away because the resentment is simmering and the husband thinks nothngs wrong.

THEN the husband is heartbroken and makes a legit effort, reading books, and going to shrinks, and CHANGING, but its too late, the wife has made up her stupid mind, and never comes back, saying “too little too late.”

i wonder if thats what i did because i didnt really stop pushing her.

well i TRIED to stop pushing her. and i TRIED to stop visiting her at work. but i just couldnt stop altogether because the issues were still there. me backing off didnt really fix anything.

but it was what she wanted, it made her ahppy, it was her BOUNDARY!!!! so i should have respected it for that very reason right?

well i tried to but i just couldnt keep doing it cuz it was hurting my boundary to respect her boundary!

i wanted to see her MORE, she wanted to see me LESS. so yeah thats always a recipe for disaster.

all of this is a centuries old tale, millions of people have had their hearts broken this way. i just never had it happen to me so bad.

i was just str8 confused. it was a confusing boundary. it didnt occur to me that i could stay away from her but still communicate with her.

OBVIOUSLY i should have started calling or emailing her right then. lets say feb 2015.

so thats my other big regret hahahaha. that i was just twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to be ready to see me, but……..inside i was going FOOKING CRAZY with all these feeeeeelings and things i wanted to say to her. so i should just called her and told her, wrote emails and sent them. rather than wait till july to start sending emails. that was 5 more months of Crazy Making hahahaha and by then i was totally fooked, and she was totally DONE.

yeah i have certainly been dumped before but they did it nicer, plus those relationships were less important. this was a pretty important, substantial relationship that was ended in the most cold and callous way. it just drives me fookin crazy. i feel she TURNED on me. it does feel like kind of a betrayal. once you were my friend and now youre nobody. you dont have to luv me but dear god admit that we had something good once.

i dont know why this is so important to me.

because i dont think human beings and improtant long term rels should be thrown away like garbage. if that makes me weird, then im weird. .

THE MOST DEGENERATE PORN OF TODAY BECOMES REALITY IN 10 YEARS

930

yep. so.

yeah thats part of the RESPONSIBILITY that comes along with the RIGHT of being able to Opt Out / Quit a Relship. Since you have the power to single handedly End A Rel, we all do, then with that power comes the responsibility to end it Well. end it with Dignity. End it so as not to hurt the other person. End it with Empathy towards the other persons feelings. expect they will be hurt and try to Minimize that Hurt. I did not receive that courtesty AT ALL. well neither do shitloads of people. Myabe 50% of Breakups are Bad in this sense. Because people dont know How 2 Break Up Correctly. Needs Billions more education dollars hahaha. no really they just need sensible mothers and fathers. i guess a single mother could provide advice here, but ideally i would like to see a stable two parent home, and in that situation, i think either the mother or the father could give sound advice.

the only time you dont have that responsibility is when they are abusing you. i am SURE she would use that excuse, that i was abusing her, that why should she show ME any respect when i didnt show HER any respect. well i disagree. i showed her 100000000 times more respect that she showed me. oh but begging and groveling is not respect, its actually disrespect. i dunno maybe. really all it was was HONEST: i was HONESTLY BEGGING FOR MERCY. throwing myself at her mercy. arguably the right thing there is show the person a little mercy. unless they are the boy who cried wolf, and now they need tuff love.

Well i dont think i needed tuff love YET!

Sez everybody who got tuff luv hahahaha.

no i think those people eventually wake up and say yeah the other person was right, i needed the tuff luv.

well i dont think im gonna say that here. she will ALWAYS be in the wrong hahahaha.

but i forgive her. hahahaha. i mean i dont 100% forgive her, i will just say the words because i dont want to be angry about it forever. i mean yeah we all do stupid things, and yeah i dont think she MEANT to hurt me THIS much, so technically i do forgive her. im not happy about what she has done! i dont HAVE to be HAPPY about it! im fookin heartbroken! there is a gaping HOLE IN MUH HEART!!!!!!

she was a BIG part of my life, even though I was not a big part of her life. i saw a FUTURE with her in it. i wanted her to be with me for the long term.

ask them the question:

I see you as muh long term, committed, monogamous gurlfran, i want you to be a part of my life, for years into the future. what do you see me as? what do you think about me seeing you this way? could you see me the same way?

but damn. how hard is it to send a damn text saying SORRY. instead I was the one apologizing like “sorry so sorry sorry it had to end this way please can we end it better”, when me saying SORRY so much made it LOOK LIKE i was the bad guy! confirming her beleif that she was right and i was wrong, and i didnt deserve respect!

lesson learned: NEVER APOLOGIZE hahahaha.

well rather, dont apologize PROFUSELY and desperately. only apologize when you have done something really wrong.

but The Time Period has expired, hasn’t it? its Too Late To Apologize in other words. for her i mean.

No, not really! I’d still take and appreciate an Apology!

hahahaha i could send her an email saying Its Not Too Late To Apologize, with a link to that stupid song.

NO i know better than to send an email.

shit was like a fooking MINEFIELD. a good rel should not be like a minefield. it didnt used to be like that. it used to be very good and natural. then it got bad and became a minefield, and i stepped on a damn mine.

it did seem to happen out of the blue for me. i didnt realize that approaching her at that Final Event was gonna be THE FINAL STRAW. its not like i did anything. i approached her and tried to enjoy the event with her and to make things less awkward. just spend some friendly out of work time with her. but she was not having it. i was shocked at the extent to which she was not having it. i did not expect it to be THAT bad. but it was. and of course as we left, i apologized for being weird, and thank you for letting me share this Nice Time with you, barffffffff. when she should have been apologizing to me for being weird and cold and horrible!

but by me apologizing, i was the bad guy, i was admitting i was the bad guy. damn. i should WORE MUH BIG DICK JEANS.

i am Hung Up on being the Bad Guy because…….i dont think i WAS the bad guy! i didnt deserve being dumped LIKE THIS! when you are dumped like this, I mansplained to the stupid woman, it sends the signal you are the bad guy who deserves to be dumped like this, you ruined the rel, not me.

i am not an actual woman hater, but i am closer to the world of woman haters than most non woman haters. i have some risk factors. i need to be aware, be vigilant. and i worry about slipping over to The Dark Side, whenever i have a HORRIBLE experience with a woman like this one. this is a risky thing that could cause me to slip over. and then i read women writing on buzzfeed and thought catalog and talking on tedx and i am like these stupid, stupid women.

well its ideological see. these are beta leftist marxist sites, i need somethign more rightist. but fun. with plenty of women and young women, to prove to me that all women arent stupid retarded sluts, killin their babbys and shooting their sons full of estrogen to turn them into Trannys hahahahahaha while Alienating their fathers from them because idk lol. i feeeeeel i deserve better. because he doesnt communicate about my feelings enough. because he wants to communicate about my feelings too much. because they dont have fathers to tell them, this is a good man and you should not frivolously divorce him, you’re NOT gonna do any better at age 35 with 2-3 kids hahahahaha.

did a 4-4.2 miler

shit. i am sure she felt SOMETHING once it became obvious she would never see or talk to me again. she probably felt a gap of sorts, prob not a gaping abyss/ void like i did, but i bet she felt SOME sort of loss. and i wonder how she filled that. no doubt by having whoresex. and im not allowed to be angry about that? im angry that the woman i luv is ruining herself! casual sex is you going down the wrong path!

well i am going down the wrong path too tho!

well let me just say this: i am troubled mainly by HER casual sex exactly BECAUSE i have Special FEelings for her! Damn! all those other whores can just go be whores, it doesn’t effect me! but when the woman I Luv is a whore, that HURTS!

hahaha i have absolutely no proof she is out being a whore, just what normal women do when they feel grief or loss or what they do after a Breakup. they get with other guys IMMEDIATELY.

put it this way, less than .00000001% would go without a guy/dick for One Year after a Major Breakup. I think we can all agree the breakup of a Major Monog Longterm Rel would probably take at LEAST one year to fully get over right? but there is NO WAY they’re not taking dick within a year!

yet for guys its perfectly normal to have a year long “dry spell”, ESPECIALLY if you are getting over a important rel. like this. a true heartbreak hehehehe.

hah. i was reading a stupid article in buzzfeed about a 13 year old boy who wants to become a Gurl and always felt like a gurl in a boys body, and his/her/xzyr mother is very supportive, so got them a 20000$ hormone patch which delays the onset of puberty i guess, and then starting the estrogen treatment, cuz i guess its best to Start Transitioning Before Puberty. anyway the mom gave the kid estrogen for their bithrday and captured the precious heartwarming moment on youtube and all the stupid women are falling all over themselves in the buzzfeed comments saying stuff like. “This. This is what tolerant parenting looks like. So Much This. Love. Truth. This.”

and then there are more women saying “oooooooo shessssss soooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeee she is going to be soooooo pretty when she gets olderrrrrrrr omggggggggg i wish i could be that pretty.” really going on about the prettyness of the child.

THEN a Male Feminist comes in an MANSPLAINS that the first focus shouldnt be on the Prettyness of the child, whether or not the child is aesthetically pleasing or not is not the issue. The Male Feminist is right of course, but no women call him on Mansplaining!

is it mansplaining when male feminists mansplain feminism to women who like feminism but dont really get it? cis rich white woman feminism ahahahahaha

and then a woman says something about well isnt it weird to shoot a 14 year old all full of hormones? am i the only one?

and then another woman, presumbaly a mother says, its no different than taking birth control, so yeah youre the only one.

because not only do all women take birth control hormones, THEIR MOTHERS all encourage them to!

wawaawaawawawawawawa that was another reason i liked my female friend is i dont think she took Birth Control pills even when she was getting fooked by guys. becuase she was naturally suspicious of it. i dont know for sure. but she was the suspicious of pills and pharmas and vaccines sort, which i kinda like hahahaha.

also i think the Pill makes women bigger Sluts, makes them pick worse men, and makes them less responsible regarding Sex.

this is why i am such a big hit with the ladies, with my pro-women attitudes hahahaha.

well i used to have a special female friend hahahaha. well she didnt know i was anti pill. but she was anti pill thats all that mattered. well maybe she will get on the pill now cuz she wants to have a lot of unprotected sex with random men to fill the void in her life hahahaha oh well nothing wrong with that you go grrrrrl.

OY VEY ITS LIKE ANOTHER SHOAH!!!!

actuallly we can say this is The Number One Most Important Rel I Have Ever Had With A Woman, well apart from muh mother hahahaha.

she is elevated above my other female frens, because i never got FEELINGS for them. I never wanted to take things up to a New Level of Intimacy after two years with them. they were/are great people, it just never got to that level. i had never gotten to This Level with Any Woman before!!!!!!

and forget the bitches i pseudodated/banged. that was just a casual hookup for them and was short term and we never really had a real relationship. just short term bullshit. i wanted to take it to the next level there but they didnt.

but to want to take it to the next level after you ALREADY KNOW SOMEBODY for the long term? wow. thats a whole new level of Intimacy. i never experienced that before. till now. yeah it was a big gamble. but never has the jackpot been so sweet!

so yeah to lose That Woman is a big damn deal mother fooker.

my other female friends, i never got feelings for them, and we grew apart when they moved to diff cities for career. no hard feelings! just saying how these female friends were a LOT DIFFERENT than THIS female friend. THIS female friend was the most intense, intimate, feelsy, deep, life changing, etc.

so yeah its a big loss. its almost WORSE than a death because with death, you know they done WANT to leave you, and that they aren’t still alive out in the world, happily jumping on dicks and never having to see you again.

QUOTE

Jim Smith 4 days ago (edited)
+1Fireskull Just finished college five years ago, I don’t know if that is true, but I regularly have women 25 and under tell me they have had group sex before. The crazy thing is they will say it in the context of an opener for a relationship. Like,” I’ve had it before ,but I didn’t like it much and never want to do it again, because I’m looking for relationship now. I’m kind of a romantic”. I have had that actually told to me more than once when I shit test or poke ladies to tell me about themselves. Another funny note is they will usually tell me things like that no problem/no blushing , but if I shit test them and ask if they have ever dated outside their race, instant clam up, blushing face and questions thrown back at me along the lines of ” why does it matter, does it bother you, I don’t like how you’re asking me that, this is 2015, and are you insecure with yourself”. I treat them like whores when they act like whores and while I find it sad, I’am not sad for those dumb twits. I would love to met an actual virtuous woman.
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heh

[EDIT feb 24 2016 :: GROUP SECS: NOT EVEN ONCE. DEGENERATE. write me a 10,000 word essay on WHY its degenerate, WHY you regret and repent for doing it, and then write me ANOTHER 10,000 word essay on why its ok to not want to date/fook people of different races. If I like both essays then I might consider you for a traditional long term relationship. Well, no I won’t, because you’ve have group sex, and you’ve race-mixed. NOT EVEN ONCE. i seek a return to the days when these things were DEALBREAKERS. the guy should have walked out on the girl that very instant and said “I dont date degenerate whores”, shaming her for her behavior. hahahaha. well he was probably looking to get his D wet and a gulr like that would certainly be an ok Ms Right-Now.

for the record, ths would be “MUH DICK” thinking by the man, and it IS degenerate as well. its just less degen for the man than for the woman, more forgivable of a sin. because its MUCH harder for a man to turn down available sex on the offer. because women ARE the suppliers of sex. its available to women ALL the time. with no women sluts around to freely offer up casual recreational sex, there would be less muhdicken on the part of men. women, of all people, should NEVER take a MUH DICK attitude towards sex. MUH CLITORIS is what i call it. THINK LESS WITH YOUR CLITORIS, AND MORE WITH YOUR UTERUS is my new motto. i should make stickers and tshirts hahaha.

also as of now i am more open to the Healthier, Better interpretation that The Woman does not hate me and is not blaming me for “betraying” her, but is rather just Running Away like a Confused, Overwhelmed baby animal that doesnt know how to or doesnt want to deal with a stressful, overwhelming situation. period. this is a perfectly reasonable interpretation, and indeed MORE reasonable than the other interpretation I’d been K’ing myself with, namely, she hates me because i did something bad to her. that IS a possible explanation, but its somewhat LESS likely than the occams razor explanation, and its much more destructive to me personally than the occam explanation. in short, i should work towards accepting the occam explanation, ie, the overwhelmed animal simply running away from a difficult situation.]

also these tolerant women on buzzfeed commenting often with their REAL FACEBOOK NAMES are so TOLERANT of EVERYTHING. all sorts o perversions. the frog really is being boiled. just a few years ago, women would think a man Urinating Inside His Wifes Vag was GROSS or EW, but now theyre like whatever floats your boat, i dont want to be “JUDGE-Y”, etc.

so yeah i dont think thats too extreme of a fetish , but its just bit by bit by bit, that maybe 10 years from now Eating Shit or Casual Rectum Prolapsing will not be viewed as extreme or gross. just brutally fisting a 19 year old college gurls asshole until her rectum pops out, like only the most degenerate porn of today.

the most degenerate porn of today, become Vanilla Casual Sex Reality among Middle Class College Kids in….10 years? 15 years? 5 years?

but yeah women should never talk about their ORGIES and GROUP SEX and three ways and four ways and getting SPIT ROASTED and all their open rels and anal sex tapes and swinging and being an intern as a Sex Worker during college, during the small talk on a first date as with teh youtube commenter above.

i aknowledge that maybe some women may have a slutty past. but they might legitimately want to atone for their past sins. so dont talk about them right away, dont talk abotu them like you are PROUD of the, talk abotu them like you are rightfully ashamed of them!

heh. maybe she feels bad like she should, for overreacting and treating me like someone she doesnt care about. you dont treat people you really care about like this. but she is the type to only hurt the ones they luv. hahaha.

anyway say she wants to apologize but is scared to contact me cuz she thinks i might be mad. which i sort of am. but i would totally take her back.

but instead the guilt eats her alive and she throws her life away because of that, on a cok carousel, has some bastard babies with deadbeats really soon.

BUT I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT if i had contacted her!

but i already contacted her 3 times with absoutely no response. (she didnt really respond to email1, but said she had read it. period. nothing more.)

but i send those three emails during the course of 1 month of Separation! emotions are still very high dyuring the first month! what if i sent an email during month 4 or 5 when things have cooled down a little?

so thats the next trial and tribulation. resisting the tempation to contact her “after things have cooled down”, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 months afterwards.

so there was the final event. i went and met her and it was so awkward. i kinda joked that i could go away if she wanted. she never encouraged me not to go to the event, or to not meet up with her. i just figured it only made sense to meet up with her once i got there. in the past we would have gone to something like this togehter.

so that was extremely awakwrd. like insanely awkward, like she was signalling this was the official end. lets have this epic event be the official end of us.

after that she stopped talking to me altogether, would not respond to my chats or texts, would not even look at me, then the next time i went on facebook a few days later, i thought i might unfriend her with a explanatory message…..but she had already unfriended me with no message at all!!!!!!!!

so she unfriended me sometime between that event and the next 3 days, and i had done nothing in that time but try to talk to her but her not respond.

like i didnt do anything super offensive ot cause her to unfriend me, like oh dear god meet up with her at a thing where she knew i was gonna be there and she never told me not to stay away from her.

OH BUT I SHOULDA KNEW, FROM THE SIGNALS. therefore im the bad guy.

well, true luv does not recognize SUBTLETY.

plus there was MIXED signals, like “oh thats cool you are gonna go”

plus i sorta joked right away, is this ok for me to sit with you, i can go away over there if you want. well im the bad guy because i didnt make that joke directly enough. plus i was really nervous cuz things were REALLY awkward in those first few minutes. i thought i smoothed things over, throughout the course of the evening. i guess not! also it was not the type of thing where we could have a private talk, lets say that. someone from her family was there, etc.

i am so dead set against being seen as the bad guy. i dont want to be The one who ruined this.

but its technically not like that. she just wanted out, so she got out. period. no bad guys, no good guys, no blame.

but women always like to portray men as the bad guy, so i guess i am fighting against that false stereotype. i wouldnt have to dump him if it werent his FAULT.

no, no fault happening, she just didn’t want to be IN IT anyone.

hitler took meth regularly, maybe i shoudl try crystal meth to boost muh confidence.  or crack. i guess thats cheaper.

i need a cheap but powerful drug. cheap booze was my go to during Tuff Times, but i dont want to drink again. but i have to ask myself, is my life so much better now than when i was drinking? like i mean when i was jobless and loveless and was drinking? well yes things were worse then, because i was making an ass of myself in front of muh friends, and lost some friends because of it.

so now i have no friends to lose hahahahaha.

no i just dont want to drink. but i would do a number of other drugs if they were available, just to take my mind of all this hahahaha. im tired of the months of pain. when will the stupid pain end hahahaha.