oy vey. had dream with the woman. how did it make me feel. unhappy. upset. i said “it doesnt matter” 10 times.

in the dream we were hanging out and she was being a total bitch, just not nice at all, just rude and shallow and horrible and mean and cold. she did not want to hang out just me and her and had to have one of her awful new friends with her. her new friends were awful slutty party gurls who i knew were being a Bad INfluence on her, and she was becoming more liek that.

i was being an asshole too, saying horrible things like how many guys you been with lately? and making all sorts of very sarcastic bitter remarks about how casual sex was such a great thing and i how she has as much casual sex as possible with as many guys as possible, etc, because its just sex and its fun.

and then she complained about a guy she was interested it was texting her but last time they were supposed to hang out he blew her off. oh did you have sex with him too? of course you just have secs with every guy friend, and you have a lot of guy friends! plus you are interested in him, so of course you did. lemme see some naked pictures of you. lets find those in your phone.

then she was like ok me and my friends are gonna hang out and party now, you can go now, see you later.

i was like uhhhhh and then as i was walking away i saw them all partying at their house and i was like see ya later, have fun being huge sluts, thanks for inviting me to your party, i dont like having fun anyway! and being very sarcastic. i of course wanted to continue to hang out so i could maybe get with her, esp if they were going to be drinking. i think in the dream i was drinking too!!!!!

so yeah the dream sucked, to see her turn into a huge slut, who was slutting it up with tons of guys, but i had no chance. not that a slut is a good gurlfran material, but when you realize a gurl is a slut, you think, welp i might as well have secs with her; but she likes having secz with tons of guys….but not you. you turn her off because you are a weak beta hahahaha. of course No Means No, but you are frustrated because she says YES to SO many other guys.

i was also angry abotu being kicked out early while they continued to Party.

this made me think of a time in july 2014 when my feelings were not well defined, were confused. i have stated this before as my Biggest Regret! she was super nice to me, we had a nice afternoon of going to dinner and the park and i thought maybe i should hold her hand or make out with her in the park, but i was still on the fence. she made a statement that i was a good friend. i said thank you you too. but she had just finished with her old boifran and i figured she would not date anyone for like 6 months at least, it would take her a long time to get over that. it would take me YEARS to get over THAT!

but i forget that not everybody is harshly dumped. in their case it was more they both agreed to end it because it wasnt going anywhere, and they both wanted out. see i have never experienced that. i always wanted IN, they always wanted out. a one sided termination, for a one sided luv hahahaha.

anyway i was thinking, well what do we do after the park. should we go back to her house and watch tv or something, because that will really be awkward, because i dont really want to make out, but what if she does.

so i made some excuse i was going to visit my male friend and play vidya games. i was confused and didnt know what i was doing. i think i said you can come along and meet my friend and play vidya games with us too. she said she would be nervous and i said dont be nervous bla bla bla. ultimately i never ended up doing anything hahahaha.

what if i had pushed instead to go to her house and watch tv. then we might have been able to cuddle or make out.

once my feelings became definitely in a few months after that, this was my exact plan. rather than bail out after dinner, then go back to her house and watch tv and try to cuddle. but by that time i was 100% she was Dating Somebody, and she never agreed to to hang out with me ever again hahahaha.

so…..lesson learned?

go with them back to their house and see if they WANT to cuddle or make out. maybe she wouldnt have even wanted to. at the VERY LEAST it would have started a CONVERSATION about how she felt about me, and how i felt about her. rather than me ducking out and avoiding the situation.

now there was never any EXPECTATION that i would go over there, and she never SAID “why dont you come back to my place”, well i think somebody said something like “what are you doing tonight” and i dont KNOW if that is a veiled, loaded statement which means “come back to my place and make out”. maybe if the WOMAN says it.

honestly i didnt know WHAT i wanted!  things were going well but this was the start of some tension.  i was running away from the chance to talk about that tension. then when I wanted to talk about the tension, she didnt want to.

well i wasnt sure she wanted to “Talk abotu the tension” but i didnt even give her the chance.

well theoretically we could have just talked about elsewhere, didnt HAVE to go to somebodys house.

i know that if i had hung out wiht her in october or beyond, i would have directly pushed to go to her house, and if she didnt want to, i would have had the big discussion In The Car!

but yeah, lesson learned, try to go back to the persons house even if you dont want to make out with them, because that will FACILITATE COMMUNICATION, and maybe they will tell you if they like you or if they dont, and you will have MORE INFORMATION.

like if they are all smiling at you like they want you to make out with them, you can be like listen, you are a veyr pretty gurl but im just not ready yet. but i think i could get there. lets keep talking about this. its been on my mind too. lets just take it really slow ok? well ok lets try making out for 1 minute and see how it feels hahahaha.

but its good that we are talking about this openly, lets continue to do that ok.

well she did not push me to come over though. but i dont think nonslutty gurls do this. it was up to me to say “nope im not doin nothin, maybe we could watch tv or something, smoke some MMJ” and she could say ok wanna come over and i would say yes.

but i wanted to AVOID that situation all together, beucase i guess at that time, i was really Weirded Out by the idea of Making Out with her. !!!!

anyway yeah like i say, this was my biggest regret regarding her or at least one of them. and this dream brought it right to the front of my mind.

lesson learned: ALWAYS go to their house EVEN IF you dont want to make out, because then you can work on your communication. have a talk like: do you like me? do i like you? maybe i could. just right now would be kinda weird. let me think abotu it a few more weeks, and lets keep talking about this, lets not push this under the rug, cuz this is important. oh youre dating somebody right now? oh i didnt know that. yeah that just sparked something in me. lets make out now hahahaha.

i was worried about Having To Reject Her if she Jumped on me hahahahah.

lesson learned: dont worry abotu that. let her jump on you. you might come to enjoy it. really the transition from Just Friends to I was in Luv with her took like 1 month. from mid september i whined “but the spark isnt there” then in mid october i was “ok i was wrong, the spark is now there!!!!”

so say gimme a month babe, just gimme one month to soul search and for us to keep talking about this. i am glad this topic has been broached. lets keep this line of communication open. i am thnakful for our friendship and you are a pretty gurl and i’ve thought about this and i thought it was weird that i didnt feel anything….well i didnt feel nothing. i am honestly on the fence right now. i honestly could go either way. i am confused. i will try to get unconfused as quickly as possible so as not to leave you hanging. cuz you are a nice person, and attractive, and its stupid that i am not in luv with you right now.

but i know from experience that i can convert from platonic to non platonic, but there is a transition. but the transition itself migth only take a month. sothats not that bad. give me a month. and we will continue to be in communicado all throughout.

thisis much different that how she responded to my requests for communication. i said i could give you time and space but i cant do this forever, please give me a timeline. 1 month? 2 months? 3 months? i would have told her 1 month, and also the door would be open for communication during that month! it wouldnt be 1month with no contanct, it would be 1 month for me to go thru the transition from platonic to nonplatonic! big difference!

ok did a 3.6er.

so. lesson learned, in something i should have done, for me to feel guilty about, another way i ruined the rel. well i cant look at it like that, a way of me ruining the rel would be me beating her an refusing to stop; or her begging me to talk about our rel and me angrily refusing to talk or go to a shrink hahahahaha;  but NOT me refusing to push to go to her damn house once!

in fact, the next time i hung out with her, i thought, well, maybe this time i WILL ask to go to her house. i said what you doin tonight? in a way that said i might be interested in hanging out moar. and then she said she had to do something errands. this was in august and she was certainly dating that guy; and one of the last times we really hung out.

you dont go from frineds to love feels overnight, it takes a few months or a month of soul searching. but i was more open to the idea in august than i was in july. i was WARMING up to it!

anyway, point is, if she really wanted to commuincate about it, she would have. period.

i really wanted to communicate about it, so bad, that i was pushing and pushing her. if she wanted to talk about it, if she were in luv with me, she would have pushed me. she didnt push me at all.

well true love doesnt PUSH. well maybe not but it DOES talk when the other person clearly wants to talk! you dont HAVE to push! or at least not very hard for very long!

so now iim thinking i ruined this, i was to blame, it was my fault, basically because i did not make out with her in july 2014, when i was not ready to do so!

well, more accurately, that i should have directly addressed the topic then: do you like me? do you want me to make out with you? and instead of asking that, i avoided it, and maybe if i had asked it, things would have been different, and she would have liked me. see how that is kind of ridiculous? within 3 months of that i knew i liked her, yet by then it was too late. if she came back to me within 3 months and said i like u i would definitely say oh yeah lets get it started in hurr.

also if she were being eaten up by unexpressed luv for me, that she was unable to commuincate to me…..i mean shit were STILL HANGING OUT. if i could have got her to hang out even ONCE when I wanted to commuincate, i wouldnt NEED to go back to her HOUSE, assuming she didnt WANT me to. i would have just waited until we were in the CAR, then i’d say LISTEN theres something i need to talk to you about.

she could have done that! assuming she liked me. and i dont think she did hahahaha.

i was thinking the city of cluj something in romania might be a good place to live. its a huge city of 700,000 people, yet nobody has ever heard of it outside of romania, and it is right in the “transylvanian” region, its the biggest city in “transylvania” which is pretty sweet hahahaha. and the romanians are a proud and strong people and will probably defend their country, culture, and people for the rest of my lifetime hahahaha. are the women huge degenerate whores? probably not as bad as they are in US hahahaha.

ukraine or poland or moldova or maybe even russia hahahaha or hungary would also be good.

was she really GOOD to me? well, she was really nice to me in the beginning. but near the end, ie after my feelings came on, no she was not really nice to me. she was not really doing anything special at all. the only benefit was the chemicalz in muh brain, the endoprhins and oxytocins. that was all me being in love with her, not her doing anything special for me.

my book says love is an action, love is doing, its more than words. well she was not giving any words or actions!!!! well she gave some nice words in the past, like inviting me to shit when she was still with her boifran. and i was like isnt that weird.

of course later i said waawawaawawaw i wish i had gone with you to that thing you had invited me to two summers ago hahahaha.

so yeah she was cold and awful near the end. if she really wanted she could have been nice and warm like she used to be, like i wanted her to be. but she clearly didnt really want to be!!!!

but yeah i still prefer being in luv than being luved. because whats the point if you dont have any feelings for them? then you have to be the bad guy, and rejecting them, etc.

took like 18-20 hours to recover from that god damn nyquil hahahaha. but the sleeping was pretty good! its possible the deep stupor sleep of the nyquil caused me to have that stupid dream about the woman!!!! well it perhaps makes you have moar dreams.

hehe i totally would have been down to see a Relationship Shrink, thats how desperate i was. besides i go to a shrink anyway on the reg. i just would have brought her in a couple times and the shrink would say you should cmmuincate moar hahahaha. no this is not a middle class shrink where you pay 500$ a session. this is a solid working class social worker shrink!!!!!

i mean if you already HAVE a shrink, why not bring in your Partner when you have Relship problems!

basically i wanted to fix things or at least FACE them, and she didn’t. the end. she would rather just walk away than FACE them. this happens ALL THE TIME.

basically, if she WANTED the relationship to continue, she would have done something.

also, even if i avoided Going Back To Her House in July 2014 Once, even though she did not speicifically invite me…..i STILL HUNG OUT WITH HER at SOME level.

this is entertaining the hypothesis that she might have liked me in the past, which causes me a lot of regret. but yeah evidence seems to point towards she didnt like me. so i dont even need to entertain those unentertaining hypotheses.

so your a mid twenties woman and you dont know how to dump a guy correctly, even though youve have 5 long term boifrans and 50 short term boifrans and dumped them all?

just type it in to google! how to dump a guy!


actually the first page of google results is NOT very helpful. there is stuff like “how to dump a guy in a mean way” and also long lists of warning signs and red flags and signs you should Dump Him Right Now!!!!!



basically the stuff I was saying.

  1. be definite that its over, no chance of getting back together.
  2. be respectful and listen to him, let him talk
  3. acknowledge it was an important relationship
  4. its not you its me.

how do women not know this? ive never dumped anyone and i know this, theyve dumped 100000000 guys and they still have no idea, still dump guys in the same horrible ways over and over again, after adding yet one more to their number hahahaha.


WebMD For Teens has some good advice that it would be nice if some so called ADULTS used hahahaha yeah im talking about mah woman.

do it in person and be aware their feelings will be hurt. but be firm.

so basically she was the perfect woman for me, but she didnt like me.

so that means if i find a crappy woman i dont respect, but she DOES like me, should i date her? i dont think so, because why should i date somebody i dont even like?

i guess i could use them as a Practice Gurl to gain confidence and experience though. hahahaha. but dont lead them on. i wouldnt even want to break the heart of a poor degenerate practice girl!

i dont want to break anybodys heart!

i would PREFER to be friends with the woman first, rather than feel Rushed into Sex, like so many women rush into sex and then decide they have no feelings for the man and dont want a rel with him. then you shouldnt be having secs with him, ya crazy whore!

like i told woman2, i like you but can we please take it a little slower???!?!?!! i havent had secs with anyone in a very long time! please!

but then thats a sign of unmasculinity, and you’ll never get to have S with them at ALL hahahaha. dumb dirty bitches.

well when you are just friends first, then you get a chance to really get to KNOW the person and VET them and make sure they pass all your tests (for exmaple, being nonpromiscuous, not rushing into secs with strange men!) BEFORE you develop feelings for them.

then they end up dumping you like you were a creepy stranger who never really knew them and paying no respect to the real friendship you once shared.

two to make it, one to break it!

there needs to be more shame on the person who Just Falls Out Of Luv hahahaha. so if a wife Falls out of luv with her husband after 10 years, and they have 3 kids, and she doesnt want to Work On It, because Working On It wouldnt Work, i just cant fall back in luv with him, and i want out! well that is fookin stupid and she should be shamed and shunned.

ANYWAY the difference between this an a real rel, is that the two of us NEVER agreed to be In A Rel. it was ALL one sided. well the friendship was two sided. the friendship was real. but it kinda HAS to end when i get moar feelings, and she doesnt. i GET that.

anyway dont be afraid to ask your female friends how they feel about you; how they feel abotu other guys; how long they have to know a guy before spreading the babbymaker. hopefully a veyr long time. but probably not, in this matriarchal r-selected ghetto hahahaha. quantity not quality.

well i think if you have been in a longterm rel, like over a year or so, and you Just Fall Out Of Love, then you OWE IT TO YOUR PARTNER, is your RESPONSIBILITY to them, to try to understand why this is happening, and to do something to fix it. are they boring as fook? maybe its YOU who are boring as fook, and by going something fun, you can inspire him to be more fun.

hahahahah i am just used to seeing women giving up and leaving at the first sign that everything is not perfect. like a damn deadbeat coward. never willing to take any damn RESPONSIBILITY or do any WORK, expecting everything to be EASY ALL THE TIME. fook you you CHILD.

i know this isnt always all the case. i know she herself was willing to work when SHE had feelings. i guess thats the way feelings, and working for a rel, goes. you are invested in it, you want to make it work, etc.

when you have feelings you are willing to work for it.

in order to be willing to work for it, you have to have feelings.

you wont be willing to work for it if you dont have feelings.

hehehe in some rare cases you might have feelings but not be willing to work on it??? then you are a fookng moron hahaha i cant help ya. idiot.

if you are in a rel you should communicate semi regularly about the state of your rel. like if someone wants to bail out like a quitter, because youre not fun or interesting any more hahahaha. youre not entertaining the little child enough hahahaha.

like a baby with a gun.

except its way easier to respect children, because they have the valid excuse of BEING CHILDREN, plus they dont actually slut it up like promiscuous whores, becuase they are prepubescent and innocent and dont even know what secs is!

basically you shouldnt be able to adult things like secs and secsual reltionshits, if you are not a damn adult! based on the way you act and treat people and communicate, all in shitty immature ways.

so i stopped being fun? thats a fallacy, i was full of fun things to do, but she never wanted to do them!!!!! she wouldnt even hang out with me!

but thats my fault because i am an unfun person trying to do fun things??? but cant get peopel to do fun things with me, because i myself am unfun? to women at least? fook you!!!!

i mean i might be. i was fun enough to be friends with, but NEVER fun enough to be lovers with?

well even though i never had a long term lover, i have no EVIDENCE that it was the lack of FUN that caused it. i mean the only 2 women i had even short term rels with were crazy.

i dont think they were BAD PEOPLE though.

anyway. yeah i will survive but i dont feel i will ever meet someone who is so compatible with me, who i like so much, and feel so close to.

but recognize that she never really DID anything for me, near the end. she didnt put a damn thing INTO the rel, like i did. all that was attaching me, was my own attachment to her, ie, my luv for her. NOT her luv for me, because she didnt have any!

where were the heartfelt emails and heartfelt christmas card messages for me?

so yeah i was doing all the work, cuz i was the only one with feelings!

i can’t fault her for not having feelings for me, i just wish she had told me earlier. and not sent damn mixed messages that we would talk some day. and i wish she had tried a nicer way of “breaking up”, even a text or an email, than NOTHING AT ALL. that is rough for anyone, especially sensitive old ME.

hint: when you have to remind your “friend” that “are you aware that its been 5 months since weve actually hung out?” that is a very bad sign.

this is really only POSSIBLE if you see each other in a nonhangout way, like working. otherwise you just wouldnt have SEEN them in 5 months and then it would make it easier for you to accept that its over, and for you to Disengage. Detach.

its just weird and hard to see someone every day you used to hang out with, used to be better friends with, and now you never hang out with them, and they are pulling away from you. and there is nothign you can do about it!

you can accept it, change it, or leave, sayz muh book. i would have Bent Over Backwards to change anything she wanted me to…..except stop bugging her apparently. well because i wanted to talk to her tho. i couldnt stop bugging her. also i couldnt change her in the sense that i couldnt MAKE her luv me!

and she couldnt change me from luving her, she sure couldnt accept it, so that left her with only leaving.

i could not accept that she did not want to talk to me. uhhh what did i try to change. not sure. i tried to back off her for a little while but i couldnt do that forever cuz…..i still wanted to talk. i guess i was trying to change THAT situation by trying to make her talk. i kept doing that until SHE left. hahahaha.

accept it, change it, or leave hahahahaha.




why did she do it? because she didnt know what else to do.

why didnt she just want to respond? she was just too scared and confused.

why was she scared and confused? we can never know, but ultimately i think it was somewhat on me, but MORE on her. i wasnt trying to scare her. i was trying to have a two sided conversation. she was avoiding the conversation at every opportunity because she was just that scared of conflict, that she would rather Run Away From Me, than have a damn uncomfortable conversation. Srsly. or even to write me an email or text me.

like whenever i mentioned important things sandwiched in with small talk, she never took the bait, never addressed those things, just ignored them.

but she wanted to communicate with the other guys!

because she was desperately in luv with them and would do anything not to lose them. me, she wasnt in luv with, she needed a platonic friend, not a nonplatonic friend. so the second i showed feels,  she wanted me to get the fook AWAY from her. she WANTED to push me away. if i voluntarily pulled away, she would not have stopped me! but if she were in luv with me, she sure would have lifted a finger!

DAMN it must suck being a young girl and having 90000000 guys in love wiht you all the time! you must be a really lovable person!!!!!!!!!

ironic that the guys SHE fell in luv with, were pretty cold to her! maybe thats what she likes, the hard to get hahahaha.

and have secs with them, damn. i dont want to have secs with anybody but her, even if she were a cold fish i would not care! because there is something EXTRA with her. the EXTRA SPECIAL FEELINGS MAKE THE SECS BETTER.

and since so many normies have secs without special feelings, i dont think they understand that.

but yeah i get terrible thoughts of HOW GR8 it would be to have secs with her, her rubbing her pvssy up and down muh d, making out, her making those girl sighs, her big pale white ass on me, fooooooook. ALL women do these same motions, but with her it would be SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it would be something that seals the deal, that brings the both of you together 4 lyfe.

as soon as you get a gurls phone number, also get her Most Regularly Used Email address, and Mailing Address as well hahahahaha.

went for walkjog. 3.2 miles. not bad. should really do another.

there should be a textbook or a knowledge base  for this, how do you make somebody communicate with you?

you can’t. you can only change your style of communication. you cant MAKE somebody WANT to communicate with you. that has to come from THEM.

but you can change your style, and that would make them WANT to communicate with you more, right?

so i guess you never accuse them, never say “stop hurting me!” you say, “when you say this, I think this, and if that were true, it would hurts me. i know you dont intend to hurt me, but i worry that you dont care about me, what can you say about this please.” is how you’re supposed to communicate. which is basically how i did it in the emails i sent which she never read and threw away hahahahaha.

it is amazing how people get into Long Term Relationships that dont know how to Communicate with each other. This is probably because its the Woman who Chooses Her Man. she is in luv with him, desperate not to lose him, so she will do whatever it takes to keep him, including ….gasp!!……the Dreadful COMMUINCATION! they hate doing it so much, they would rather just run away, unless they are CRAZY in luv with a guy.

if you want to know whether a woman truly loves you, is she willing to communicate with you? or does she say fook it and just runs away. women will do anything not to communicate unless they are REALLY all in.

i guess to some extent that is true with men too. i mean i luved her, i was desperate not to lose her, i was all in, i desperately wanted to communicate to do anythign to save the relship.

it really WAS a relship of sorts. we did not have secs but we were friends for 2 years and were close during that time. a friendship is still a relationship motherfookers, stop making everything about secs this and secs that.

we truly are living in oversexed, hypersexualized times. i think its disgusting and degenerate and morally abhorrent.

MORAL HYGIENE that was the phrase i wanted to bring back.

in england during ww2 they had a “committee for moral hygiene” which had something to do with keeping the young soldiers from doing degenerate things, or the young women too. basically keep the young men and women from drinking and partying and fooking. i think the idea of MORAL HYGIENE is very good, although young men exposed to the Horrors of War are more than entitled to have Secs with Hookers IMHO, well really so is any man.

i should have more secs with hookers, like i say, any kind of secs boosts a man’s confidence. casual, hooker like secs for regular women just harms them; makes them harder to respect; because they are the choosers; because they can get pregnant.

so if you are the CHOOSER, it is better to be DISCREET rather than INDISCRETE. not sure the correct way to spell that, dont really care.

discretion vs indiscretion dont really come into play when you are the beggar. beggars cant be choosers. a beggar isnt going to turn down a penny. if anything, a beggar should be indiscrete. he;ll take anythign he can get .

so does that mean you should have a rel with any trash woman who wants to have a rel with you?

i didnt say that! but regarding secs, maybe yes you should.

but i am pretty sure you cant MAKE yourself LOVE somebody.

for a while i THOUGHT i was MAKING myself luv my female former friend, during the confusion of the transition period, but once it came on, i was certain that it was not forced. and i certainly could not force it off!

really we never ever talked about Our Feelings For Each Other. this was equally both our fault, we were afraid to.

well she said some things to me in july 2014, like “youre a really good friend” that made me think she might like me, then i felt uncomfortable, cuz i didnt like her yet, which was ridiculous, so i try to “make” myself like her, then i liked her, but it didnt feel forced at all, then she didnt like me any more. at all. wtf.

lesson learned: if a female friend acts like she likes you, just come out and ask her, what do you feel about me. i dont have feelings for you yet, but it can take me a long time to develop feelings. if you are a cute young gurl and we get along very well, then chances are good i could get feelings for you over time.

i mean shit she could have said “i have feelings for you” if she really did. lord knows I was more than willing to say that to HER face, once i got feelings, if she had ever let me talk to her!

or if it were eating her up like it was me, she could have constantly pressured me to hang out like i did to her!

shit i mean she has WAY MORE Relationship experience than i do! all women do! they should be GOOD at this sort of thing! The best i had was a shitty pseudorel that was decidedly short-term! with absolutely no expectation of monogamy, no real intimacy, no real communication, no spending lots of time together, just some physical activity and a handful of fun evenings. no long conversations. no real getting to know each other. no trust, no real connection, no real mutual luv.

hehehe i have Learned a lot of Valuable Lessons without many good experiences to back them up! i have only had secs twice with one woman, i have only ever psuedodated a woman for 2 or 3 months tops. and thats all she wrote. well i also Fingered this other bitch and made out with her quite a bit and regret not banging her, cuz i was moving too slow, like a pussy.

well she wasnt a “bitch”, she was just a bitch to me hahahahahaha and brought more bad to my life than good.

hehehe kinda like my former female friend.

yep. blurt it out BEFORE the bad tips the scales and outweighs the good. because at one time in the past, the good outweighed the bad!

i never dealt with women well, i never learnt my lesson hahahaha. even when i learn the lessons. well thats not true. i dont necess make the same mistakes over and over. a big part of the problem is i just dont meet a lot of women i like. like when i was in college i met  3 women i liked in the space of 1 year! now i meet more like 1 likeable woman every 3 years!

no i learn my lesson, its just that i keep running into new and unique problems! that always kill the rel before it really starts! which all happen to fit under the umbrella of, the gurl just doesnt return muh feels.

with woman2012 i waited too long and vowed never to do that again. with woman2015 i didnt wait as long, however that wasnt because of any lesson i learned from woman2012! it was because the actual situation of working with the woman was killing me and there was SUCH tension between that i HAD to say something! it was an obvious breaking point.

it was never getting to that breaking point with woman2012. there was never really any huge tension between us. as soon as there was tension actually, SHE addressed it in a very mature, professional manner. then i responded back saying yeah i do have feelings for you, thank you for communicating about it. and it ended as well as it possibly could.

i really am afraid that im never gonna meet anybody ever again that i have feelings for. cuz its gonna take me a while to get over this. and then i will be SUPER OLD.

next time you have secs with a gurl, if ever, warn her that her doing this makes you lose respect for her, because women should wait until they really KNOW a man before Inviting Him to Make Babbys with Her! this takes at LEAST six months, but most women will invite you in before 1 or 2 months.

i wouldnt take such offense if it werent such a VAST disparity! ideally it would be more like 1 year. and then say women made you wait 11 months. not too shameful. but when i am making a concession to say 6 months, and even thats a LITTLE slutty, and they do 1 month, thats INCREDIBLY slutty.

the average woman is INCREDIBLY, UNBELIEVABLY slutty. this is what i mean by degeneracy, and moral hygiene. moral hygiene is anti-degeneracy!

just be honest in your communication. be like, i’m losing a lot of respect for you right now, you’re killing this relationship, but damn i want to get my rocks off too cuz i havent had secs in 10 years. meanwhile youre going crazy cuz you havent had sex in 4 months, ya dirty skank. try going your whole Youth without Secs. Or Luv hahahaha. I will never get the chance at Young Luv because I am no longer YOUNG!

well she is on the path to unmarryable single mother, and i am on the path to Lonely Old Bachelor Nevergf Foreveralone. not sure which is worse! the single mother gets to reproduce at least.

well maybe i will dump a load in one of those single mothers, be like yikes get away from this nutcase, and they will end up raising my child! win win!

men are less likely to love their child if they dont love the mother.

could the same be said of women?

well i think for both, it goes both ways.

i am just heartbroken because i wanted a long term rel with her and maybe have her have mah babbys one day. that idea was not completely ridiculous. that is true luv for the true believer.

yes its good for men to have a fook buddy. because secs on the reg, with a reasonably attractive (minimally doable!) woman will give the man confidence, which will help the man in EVERY AREA of his life, INCLUDING finding true luv. just be careful not to fall in luv with your fook buddy. to my ears it sounds ridiculous, because the type of gurl that has secs without Emotional Attachment is NOT the type of woman you want to fall in luv with.

i mean i USED to fall in luv with Sluts, and i thought it was a GOOD Lesson Learned that I STOPPED falling in luv with sluts. so i need to learn the new lesson of How To Luv Sluts Again? that doesnt SOUND like a good lesson!

this is why you need to interrogate and interview and ask the tough questions:

what do you think about casual sex?

how many secs partners have you had?

did you ever have a slut phase?

how many abortions have you had?

what do you think about cheating?

do you ever have sex outside of a relationship?

do you ever casually date ie have sex with multiple guys at the same time?

if you got pregnant right now, would you know immediately who the father was?

have you been abandoned by your father?

do you let your boifrans make secs videos of you?

just a list of dealbreaker type questions.

well maybe i need to LEARN TO LUV these types of loose women. i dunno that sounds like a shitty deal. and i am upset because this woman was basically a non degenerate. who would pass this purity test. and that kind of woman is so rare. and that made muh luv even stronger.


nov 5 2014. wed. day off tomorrow.

well i am thinking 60/40 or 70/30 NOT in my favor for my female friend woman9 liking me back. by now i have to be giving OBVIOUS hints, and she is not giving me ANY hints at all, which is usually a bad sign. yep. this will not end well! but i have to make it end SOON.

the worst is if she rejects you because she wants to go out with other guys. No, i don’t really want to hang out with you, i want to hang out with hotter, younger, more masculine guys.  and then i get angry and wish i were younger, taller, more masculine, and the heart breaks hehehehe.

fook it, who cares.

or don’t tell me you want to hang out soon when you really don’t. just don’t say anything at all, would be better.

anyway. initially i thought us being Close Friends would work in my favor, but it’s really not gonna help things any. Now we are just Close Friends but I have become INfatuated with her and thus that is going to ruin our Close Friendship.

for me Its Complicated, for her it’s not complicated at all, she just doesn’t like me, waah waah waah.

so that kinda sucks. sucks quite a bit actually. but it doesn’t matter, life goes on, things could be worse.

but it still sucks! I was starting to get my hopes up, 70 30 or not!!!!!!

Because like with all 8 previous cases of True Luv, there is that feeling of ecstasy, being weak in the knees, infatuation, and not feeling like you are settling for a person out of convenience, but that you are White Hot with Real Not Fake Interest in them. And it would be nice to Move Forward on that with a grill for longer than a month, hehehe. With her I would totes go out with her for at least One Year. I would give up One Year of my life for her!!!!

oh well. who cares. anyway i am just chronicling for You the Pain and the Reality of True Luv! THIS is what True Luv looks like!

Well it’s not just pain and suffering. if things ever worked out and a grill ever didn’t reject me, then it would be REAL GOOD.

well, i still have a 30% chance at least. probably better chances than i had with Woman7.

and Woman8 doesn’t really count because I haven’t talked to her in 10 years but just started having dreams about her, so that was a Weak Luv compared to this Strong Luv.

no easy day at the job again. well it started quite easy actually, way more easy and slow and chill than average. Then a minute before I left I got my toughest problem of the day and stayed 80 minutes overtime. Technically that’s good, and the guy was not too bad, but damn, that made the whole day seem harder than it was.

It would be easier to handle if i had a nice Woman9 to hang out with and cuddle and date and bla bla!

sure it would. but it just doesn’t matter, bla bla bla. so you get rejected and move on.

but i haven’t gotten blatantly rejected yet. that is actually what i am fishing for. give me something BLATANT baby. It doesn’t HAVE to be a rejection, by the way. I’d be perfectly happy with a yes, hehehehehe.

any rate, i am guaranteed to hang out with her before the end of the month in something she cannot blow off. heh i do not like being blown off by grills i like. it is discouraging, angering, depressing. of course she had a valid reason for blowing me off before, she was menstrating hehehe.

well thank GOD i have my social event tonight. pop a valium right before it, sleep like a baby at night, pick up some moar valium tomorrow. only thing that could make that valium better is some w33d, hehehehe.

but w33d without valium would be too anxious and stressful.

heh. i just wanted to take her out to the apple orchard for falltime, hehehe, but NoOoOoOoOoOoOoO. Might have to wait til i’m 40 before i get that PRIVILEGE.


I have been rejected by more women than the number of men the average Promiscuous Degenerate AmeriSlut has accepted between her legs!

the real tragedy and travesty is, she’s not an Average Degenerate Amerislut, but a Nice Good Low Number Woman……. but that still doesn’t mean she can’t reject me and choose other more masculine younger guys over me!!!!!!

heh. i mean i’ve LEARNT the LESSON.

Actually, I still have to act on the lesson, which is: ACT SOON. ACT NOW. and I plan to act soon, ie this month, but still, waiting for that day is stressful. esp because i thought last weekend was going to be That Day! but I got blown off hehehehe.

its like blue  balls. and that is frust for any man!!!!!! grrrr!!!!!

fook i’m gonna listen to iron maiden and play some POKER hehehehehe.

somewhere in time album. sounds pretty fooking sick mang. this could be the greatest album of all time, hahahaha. no but i am having a VERY good immediate reaction to it, which is not my immediate reaction to most albums.

heheh. at least i have a full time middle working class job. that means i’m entitled to complain about b1tches be b1tches, and whine about being lonely hehehehehe.



[jan 9 2014: yea I am surviving the job, not freaking out AS MUCH as in these next 5 posts from jan 4 or so, but still want to find a chiller job.

Wow I think ROISSY HIMSELF might have linked to me, or more likely one of his commenters. too scared to go look. just getting redirects from Heartiste blog. well if you did link me, THANKS ROISSY, I have been reading you for years. I see myself as having the same mission as You, only I am like mother teresa, down in the trenches helping the worst of the worst omega male losers, hehehehe.

and to the “24 kissless virgin time to kill myself” searcher, don’t K yourself, you’re YOUNG, and yer gonna kill yerself because some stupid WIMMIN won’t KISS you?? F00k THAT Sh1t!!! F000k THOSE Morons! you’re TWENTY FOUR! Quit drugs, quit alcohol, quit your stressful job, get in shape, get a job as a Personal Trainer, bang hardbodies, make money and win!!!!!!!! and/or go to TRADE SCHOOL and make money and win!!!! by the time you’re my age you will THANK ME for telling you not to K yourself!!!!]

janu 4, 12:16 am, saturday

ok 1 more! this is what I do on my friday night after a Full Honest Week of Work at a New Job. well sh1t if I went and got Drunk right now that would be 9000000000000000000000000000x worse, I really don’t intend to drink ever again, until I am 40 and stable, and maybe not even then.

or if I were to indulge in this little medicine edible I’ve been saving, right now, I would freak the f00k out. don’t intend to do that for a few more weeks. NOT until I start to get comfortable.

because honestly. it’s hard to do your job well if you’re nervous all the time and freaking out about it. its so much better for YOU and for the people you do work for, if you’re CALM and not NERVOUS.

and not just a LITTLE nervous, but I have been MAX LEVELS OF NERVOUS the past 2 days. it is a MIRACLE I haven’t Broken Down during a phone call. that itself is an important SIGN from GOD, and a LESSON:

90% of my freaking out comes BETWEEN calls. when I am actually ON the call, I handle it a lot better than we might think from reading this. it’s not perfect but it’s not horrible either. the callers may not be ecstatic but they are not evil mean either, like the Worst Case Scenario.

One of the new guys, and by god I have been friendly and normal and cool with at least HALF the new hires, and there were a LOT of new hires, a lot more than you would think for a Bad Economy. But sh1t I will talk to them all day, it’s just the CALLERS calling in that freak me out.

I will talk to the people near me, I will talk to any of the many people in the office. and really that in and of itself is a big step up, a big personal change for the better. at my prev job I didn’t talk to the coworkers NEARLY as much, on average.

so yeah, new job is totes one of those Great Learning and Growing Experiences where you really become GOOD at Talking To People. It’s just an INSANE period of adjustment.

point to that tangent is, one new guy is a PASTOR of a CHURCH and does CHURCH SERVICES every sunday, and I thought that was real cool, and really liked the idea of having a PRAYER CIRCLE with him and any other True Believers in the One True Lord, hehehehe.

Well, he’s not a CATHOLIC because he’s married with kids, and is Black, but I don’t think Catholic Jesus will punish me too much for being friendly with those who worship Baptist Jesus or whatever the guy is.

And another rebuttal to all the liberal marxist leftist fedora atheist academic scholar intellectual swpls who come at me for being an Admitted Racist, I get along with Blacks better than YOU do. hehehe. there are a TON of Blacks at the new job. actually one of my favorite new guys and a guy I get along with and talk to REAL well, is one of my go to guys, HE’s Black for cryin out loud. Well, light-skinned black, maybe lighter than the brown paper bag hahaha. but the black minister is much darker and I get along well enough with him to Seriously Entertain the idea of starting a PRAYER GROUP with him so we can PRAY between our calls, f00k I’ll HOLD HANDS with him and pray prayers if I have to!

And NO this is not me Growing Past My Racism, My Racism is staying put right where it is, this is an F U to the haters and antiracists. I never had any doubt in my ability to get along with and work with Blacks and here’s the proof. I am not reaching some huge eye opening epiphany that Blacks Are Human Beings Too. Of COURSE they are.

But again, The Blackman is not the issue here donnie, the people calling in are the issue.

um yep thank god for chill nighttime jazz stations, before I was TOO STRESSED to even LISTEN to music. when you get to that point, Chill Jazz is the ONLY thing that will work. I went OFF spotify and went ON to the local radio station website stream. find one of those. spotify does not have a great jazz station like THIS. I would tell you the station, I THANK GOD FOR THIS STATION, but i can’t tell you it because that would identify where I live, and PLEASE I do not want THE INTERNET to know that.

Heh went right now to see if I could buy a t-shirt for this radio station. it’s a public station and you have to donate over $50. RATS. Can’t do. would go as high as $20 to BUY a tshirt.

anyway. errrrrgggg. got a ton of stuff to do this weekend. housekeeping normalfag CHORES and ERRANDS. again, 90000000000X easier than talking to the ppl on phone.

OH YEAH. THE BIG POINT RIGHT HERE: I thought, what would relieve this stress, yes absolutely, some cuddling with GIRL 7 would CERTAINLY help. Then I remembered she is out of my life forever, no contact, exactly because she doesn’t Like Like me and I will always LIke Like her, and therefore it would never work, therefore no contact. But I guess that kinda shows the Power Of Luv, that it can soothe even the most godawful hellish stress.

and THEN what do you do when you can’t call upon that Luv because it doesn’t EXIST and you HAVE to rely on just yourself and GOD? well you continue getting down on your knees and praying to god for confidence. maybe read the good book a little.

but yeah. just wanted to show how strong muh luv for her was. it would have been enough to get me through this tough time. made the time less tough. but because she is forever gone, i have to learn how to rely on myself, GOD, and the other people around me, and that’s OBVIOUSLY enough. and if I never LUV anyone like i luved girl 7 again, FINE, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.

ok word limit. 12:47 am. real tired. and still want to get about 15 mins more internet in before i COMPLETELY crash. GOD Bless You All and God have mercy on me and give me strength to show confidence and coolness. heh by the time this post drops I will hopefully be a lot more confident and done even moar growth hehehe. do something that scares you everyday. Test Your Fear. Test Your LImits.


dec 24, 11:53 am

ok i swear i will start wrapping presents in about…30 mins. just researching unemployment benefits. bennies. where muh got dam welfare check, first of the month, hehehehe.

muh new job does deal alot more with the manager speak and buzzwords, which is great in my opinion, because I can just spit those back at them, AND recycle them in muh resume. I have been there 1 week and could ALREADY make a MUCH more impressive Resume Entry for this job, than I could for being at muh old job for 5 years, and struggle to come up with anything impressive. New job looks a LOT better on paper, in other words, which help permanently strengthen muh res, GOD willing.

would DEF bang kyla grogran on the weather channel. good lord. every inch. holy crap. would just go hogwild on dat bod. even if she is old! she has kept herself in VERY good shape.

was at the grocery store and saw a gurl from muh old job, and she had left that job months before I did, and I always thought she was nice and cute and SORTA regretted not Sacking Up and Asking Her Out To A Nice Dinner Date, because she could have sat on muh face ALL day, and prob would have even been fun just to make out and cuddle with. Nice, cute, pleasant, and potentially VIRTUOUS gurl!

So I had just exited checkout and the store was PACKED and I noticed her about 10 feet in front of me, took a second to recognize her, she didn’t see me because I was sort of behind her. Basically I had to immediately decide whether I was gonna dash up to her right then and there and immediately Ask Her Out or Get Her Phone Number in a Crowded Supermarket Parking Lot on Xmas Eve Eve. I hesitated for 2 seconds and the gap increased, and she “got away.” However then I vowed that if I ever saw her AGAIN, then I WOULD dash in, close the gap, and do an Blatant Masculine Charming Ask.

but yeah. nice, cute, potentially virtuous, young, could somf all day, but much skinnier than muh preferred “big girls”, but don’t think it would be a dealbreaker, hehehe.

Lesson Learned: If you see a gurl like this and have a split second of indecision, THAT will be the Dealbreaker. Just Run Up To Her and Ask Her Out on a Date Right then and there IMMEDIATELY. Time is SO of the essence. Who cares if your delivery sucks. Here, anything is better than nothing.

It helps if you got along ok with the person before, hehehe, and I did.

Life Lesson: Dress Pants look a LOT more dressy and professional and adult and grown up and Successful and Winning than Non-Dress Cotton Khakis, esp w no crease.


you can buy them from kohls for $36, which IS expensive as f00k, but hopefully you can make them last 2 or 3 years, and you don’t need 5 or 7 pairs, just 2 or 3 at the very most.

However, know that Young Women and Teens spend way more than $36 on one pair of JEANS.

later. 7:07 pm. went to xmas mass on xmas eve afternoon, get it over with, didn’t want to get up early on xmas, hehe. the mass was packed. muh church is not great for Big Masses because the people really squeeze in a little too close. but mission accomplished.

muh big secret is, I have been saving a small “magic brownie” to eat at just the right time. at that time I will prob write/blog LIKE A MADMAN, write 9000 posts at once, because my mind WILL be RACING for HOURS. so I was toying with doing that tonight, in an hour or two. obviously need to have the next day off.

i am 99% sure they will not drug test and I am 99% sure a number of people there are regular Medicine Takers.

like I have specifically talked to people who said they were never drug tested.

so that is really the only thing that would make me legit paranoid.  i had orig said that I would not do it till I had been working in the job 1 month, so middle of january. not I want to try it after 1.5 weeks, hehehe.

YEAH, I really should do that. now leaning towards that. but there will be some intense writing around then, I can assure you. I think that’s the only think I CAN do when muh mind is racing. that and Exercising. Take Medicine, Exercise, and Write.

Yep in hindsight I wish I had dashed up to that girl in the parking lot. actually I could have gotten to her before she left the store, so we would not be talking outside in the freezing cold. because lord she was really cute, really nice, could SOMF ALL DAY, lord the things I would do to every inch of her little body.



Workforce Development Professionals Learn Micr...
Workforce Development Professionals Learn Microsoft Outlook (Photo credit: Michigan Works! Association)


but 90% of it is detailed one specific event: GOIN TO KOHLS.

dec 12 841 pm thurs

yep had last day of Underwork today, 3 days off, then start New Lower Middle Working Class Fulltime Job on MONDAY. Yep never had an experience where I left on Great Terms, with proper 2 week notice, saying goodbyes, me giving them cards, them giving me cards, it was very nice, but I was nervous for this actual day, well it’s all over now thankfully, very nice people, thank GOD. very nervous about new job, very worried, but my new mantra is: “JUST LAST A YEAR. JUST MAKE IT ONE YEAR. GIVE IT ONE YEAR.”

Because if you quit a job before one year it is a gap and short hop and shows you have perseverence or stick to itive ness and give up easily hehehehe. Unless you have found a better job of course, with your f4gg0t masters degree.

so I was at muh underjob for FIVE years, when really THREE years would have been much more realistic. Actually ONE year would have been enough, because it was such an underjob, but my excuse THEN was that I was “busy with skool”, and indeed I took like 70 credits of classes: accounting 1 and 2, economics 1 and 2,, business, marketing, programming, Excel, Databases, C++ 1 and 2, Calculus 1 and 2, ASP.NET, Web Dev, Linux, bla bla bla. Was trying to take classes that would theoretically give me Useful Skills. But that was muh EXCUSE for slacking off on muh job search, because I hate skool, but I hate Job Search even MORE.

And that still might be the case! But quite literally this new job fell into muh lap, and I didn’t have to try hard at all, hehehe. However once on the job, I will be trying very hard, and prob slowing down on this blog quite a bit, because I will be busy working and trying to get a promotion hehehe. See when I am getting PAID TO WORK, then YES that is a SERIOUS Motivator. THen I work HARD. I Outperform everybody, I am the Best Employee. But NOT when it comes to Skool or Unpaid Work. Aren’t I so unambitious hahahahahahaha. F00king F4gg0t world for saying you’re a loser who doesn’t deserve a job, when you just want to work for a living and make money, and money is your main motivation for Working. Back in the Good Old Days, that used to be considered NORMAL, and RIGHTFULLY SO.

losing f00kloads on POkerstars. Folding until I get QQ or better, then going all in. last 2 times I went all in on QQ and got beat, lost muh whole 1000 chip stack because they had a Straight, or a pair of Aces. Lessons Learned? Not sure. Don’t go all in unless its AA and AA only? and then they’ll prob still beat you with 2 pair, 3 of a kind, or a straight, hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

IDeally I would like to “Double Up” muh starting stack of 1000ish, and THEN get more relaxed and play hands under QQ, actually PLAY a lot more hands. ANd then use muh Huge Stack to muh advantage there. But I can’t seem to get that big first pot!!!

fri 13th dec 226pm

went to KOHLS and bought $200 worth of New Clothes for New Job. Felt bretty good. It was full of minivan momz shopping for crimmus. so i tried something diff today: 2 diff things actually: buoght the dress shirts that are in the plastic bag because those seem Super Professional Work Dressy to my mind; and bought some Dress Pants from the Dress Pants section near the Suit Separates section. As opposed to Regular Dockers or Haggar Khakis. Nope. These are more dressy. Haggar or Croft and Barrow Dress Pants, with a crease and pretty polyestery hehehe. Bought a Dark Navy Blue pair and a Gray pair. IMHO most important colors to have. ALready have black.

ALSO cruised by the Nondressy section and grabbed 3 sonoma items because I Luv Sonoma By Kohls, hehehe. Muh secret was, this time I did NOT go to the fitting room. This makes the trip 3 times as long and grueling.

Now, there IS a benfit to using the fitting room to try the stuff on before you buy it. But Assess the mood you are in. If you are like me and procrastinate on buying clothes, it’s prob best to use the shotgun approach, buy as MUCH stuff as possible, and then if it fits REALLY bad, take it back later and you can grab some more stuff then.

Plus Kohls is bretty reasonably priced for the Lower Middle Working Class Budget and you can get nice pants and shirts and sweaters for under $20 apiece and not look like a slob.

But I am VERY GRATEFUL that I can Afford to spend $20 on a SHIRT. I have been saving though, earmarking funds in a Clothes Account.

Yeah and the Dress Pants were $36 apiece. Good God.  The Plastic Bag Dress shirts ranged from $15 (nice!) to $26 (made sure to buy one Extra Nice one.)

You can prob still bring the bagged dress shirts back as long as you fold the shirt and attempt to put it back in the bag. people return stuff to kohls EVERY DAY.

I also feel very comfortable at kohls, in muh comfort zone, because that has been muh go to store all of muh life, and has never really steered me wrong, such that here I don’t really NEED to go out of muh comfort zone, although going out of yer comfrot zone CAN sometimes be VERY beneficial.

For example, Burlington Coat Factory is a very nice alternative to Kohls.

And many times you CAN find nice stuff at the Thrift Store.

How about, try the “Upscale Thrift Store” with “gently used” stuff, which costs a little more than the Real Poor People’s There But For The Grace Of GOD Go I Thrift Store Stuff.

But yeah. Can’t remember the last time I bought 3 pants (2 dress, 1 very nice sonoma corduroy), 4 shirts (3 dress, 1 sonoma), and 1 sweater during ONE clothes run. and it was all said and done in like 70 minutes ALL INCLUDED: driving to kohls, shopping, driving home. In the ridiculously way below avg cold waether. Now I tried on the sweater and it is beautiful but shoula got the XL instead of the L, hehehehehe. And it is a nice enough design that I might actually go back to exchange it.

then went for a powerwalk in the blistering cold.  only 6 more months of this, hahahaha. should really save up for that LIGHT BOX. TEN THOUSAND LUMENS.

anyway reasonably priced clothes are one thing actually worth spending money on, unlike college or cable tv or cars. you will feeeeel more confident with nice new clothes, that is a FACT, and confidence is PRICELESS. It is like being able to Buy Sexytime with 18 yo qt nonhookers. That kind of Alpha Male Masculine Confidence. PRICELESS.

just downloaded the Google Drive App to the hard drive, so you can sync all your stuff apparently. will it take xml files? json files? only time will tell.

anyway. if i had tried on clothes at kohls it would have taken 3 times as long, i would have got 3 times less the amount of clothes, and i really needed a LOT of new clothes because ALL muh clothes look bad and shabby and old and Not Even Lower Lower Working Class.  Lesson Learned: Just trying buying lots of clothes without trying them on until you get sick of going back to return them. Then you can switch to a phase of trying the clothes on, untill you get sick of that. each phase might last a matter of YEARS.

when you find a brand and style you like, say croft and barrow Classic Style Dress Pants, then just buy multiple pairs off kohls.com.

OOOH perfect day to make a new mix cd! so I Did!

OHH protip: back up your saved mix cd playlists to yer cloud drive. google drive. btw it IS letting me save all sorts of weird files like xml and json and wpl. backups of muh 3 main blogs, muh mix cds throuhout history, muh BOOKMARKS, etc. NICE. really don’t care if Google Employees see it, nothing illegal in there, not planning anything illegal. COME AT ME FEDZ.

Heh. I am remembering a pair of Sonoma Jeans I bought like 3 years ago that were just a little too tight in the Thighs, and then for Jeans I swore off of Sonoma, and would only do Lee, Wrangler, or Levi. Of course I have large thighs and Always like a little extra room.

those numbers on the shirts measure your neck and then your arm length. this is very intimidating and I wish they just said S, M, L, XL, because I usually like to go for an L, even though I am not a Tall Man, but Large accomodates muh belly best. but I do have kind of a large neck too. so I found one brand of shirts that had a little bit of a conversion chart of sorts, so I could find something right between medium and large.

And if you have a Weird Body Shape and Size like Moi, then you can never FIND good looking clothes in the proper size, so perhaps it is best to order online.  Get muh size 37 inch waist and 25 inch leg pants, hahahaha jk.

* Did I mention American Dad is a great Comedy TV show to watch to make U Laff and to Improve Yer Mood?



sun dec 8 222pm goodness gracious. things just get more and more intense.

ANYWAY wanted to follow up on Girl7. So I did not talk to her. I am not even sure that she saw me. I would talk to her if forced, but I didn’t really WANT to. I didn’t want to SEE her. I am still in love with her, over a year after being rejected by her, hahahaha. no fake. yep she could say let’s do this, and I totes would. and THAT is why I need no contact WHATSOEVER.

and then later that very night I had a DREAM about her. Crhist. I saw her and she naturally did not see me, was in her own little world of studying, of college and career success, making 80k a year. but she still looked great, years later, the age did not hurt her, she even looked a bit more “sexual” and “sexy”, when IRL she was about as antisexual as it gets. she was wearing something that showed she had a weird tatoo near her shoulder, high up on the back, and she is NOT the type to get a tatoo. I made a point of walking right in front of her and saying “Oh hey, we gotta stop running into each other!” and I was a little too angry. and butthurt. I think I said something like “is that your boyfriend over there” and she said “oh here’s the guy I’m dating”, and she gestured to a really little beta short guy, but he was younger and more successful than me, think she met him through her successful career. I was like holy sh1t. this sucks. I have never known her to date ANYBODY, when I knew her and fell in luv with her a few years ago, she was asexual or an unrealized lesbian, never dated ANYBODY.

I continued being a butthurt dbag saying RIDICULOUS things:

“oh. so how’s the SEX?”

“Great! just great, o my gosh, I had no idea sex could be so good,” she said with absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever, like an asexual wirgin who had just been converted to Overly Satisfied Heterosexuality, and who actually has too much respect for God to say “Oh My God” instead of Oh My GOSH. (But not to be abstaining from premarital sex apparently)

“ANd you were a VIRGIN BEFORE meeting him, right?”

“Yep, he’s my first!”

“And so the SEX IS GOOD?”

“SO Good, O My Gosh!! I was about to have an ORGASM within SECONDS of him getting inside me! I have Multiple Orgasms and we have SEX all the time!”

hence her tatoo, and somewhat more “sexy” look. Not that I find tattoos sexy! showing a little more skin, but since she never showed skin normally, she was still showing less skin than the Average Woman, did not look as Sl00ty as the Avg Woman.

Meanwhile I was still working my 9$ an hour underjob and she had a masters degree and was making $40 an hour and had a bunch of people under her, was having Great God‘s Love Sex with her First Man, and I was still hung up on her a year later.

Then I woke up from the dream and was pretty pissed. God damn that SUCKED. Sh1t, last time I saw her (summer) I didn’t have a DREAM about her the SAME NIGHT! and this time I did, and it was a horrible dream, it sucked so bad. So not only the previous day was ruined by seeing her, then the NEXT day was ruined by dreaming about her.

Good news and lesson learned was: it’s always better the next day. It will be much better tomorrow, I will no longer feel as in luv with her. As long as I don’t have another dream about her tonight PLEASE GOD!

so yeah. it sucks to think I haven’t gotten over her AT ALL in ONE YEAR of 99% No Contact. But that’s just Not True! Cognitive Distortion! I HAVE gotten over her at least 51% in One Year of 99% No Contact! The ONLY reason I FEEL I haven’t gotten over her is because I JUST SAW HER, JUST HAD the 1% contact, and THAT is harrowing, I am reacting to THAT specific event, NOT “STILL” being in love with her. once again, after sleeping on it a day or two, I will be back to normal, back to being at least 80% over her, and that’s good enough.

plus I have very good reason to believe that this WILL be THE last time I EVER randomly bump into her again. don’t feel like clarifying that publicly, just trust moi. so that’s good. because I really didn’t want to see her again this time, I NEVER want to see her again, unless she says “I luv u, let’s get married, take muh asexual virginity, i don’t care that you’re a loser and I’m a huge winner, I luv u unconditionally”.

so yeah. seeing her SUCKED BALLZ. NEVER AGAIN.  And that DREAM might have even sucked MORE balls, due to the extremely “frank conversation” innit.

and also that very same day that I SAW her, I had a very emotional real life convo with a Frand of mine where I think it was a good thing that made us get Closer, but it was still very intense and energy draining, so I really need 2 or 3 days to recover from all this total. but that was a positive thing, seeing Girl7 was a Negative thing. and then next morning after the dream I didn’t feel much recovered from everything, and was cranky and mad and sad and then had an Outburst of Anger at Muh Family where I was screaming and throwing things around. Last time I did that was at LEAST 2 years ago, prob 3 or 4. and then after that I felt real bad and apologized for getting so mad and felt weak and sad and mad and upset and omega and hopeless and loser, a real come to jesus moment, and then I said a BUNCH of hail marys.well the good news is I am starting to feel better now heh heh.

LESSON LEARNED: be open and honest with your frandz if you’re fortunate enough to have any, just let it all hang out, well, don’t DUMP on them all the time like negative nancy, but don’t be afraid to let them know the Real You, because Real Frands should be able to accept them, if they can’t f00k them. however you shouldn’t be dumping on them and whining all the time like a little emo beotch.

when i go to church on sunday i usually don’t get Communion because I’m in a Constant State of Mortal Sin due to Jerking Off like once every 2 or 3 days, and spilling your sperm like that is a Mortal Sin in the Cahtolic Church. ANd I am always breaking 7 deadly sins: lust and also real big on hate and anger and jealousy and laziness (sloth) and all that. But this time I felt I really needed some extra help from the lord and that I really wanted to go up to communion, so I did. If it feels good, do it hahaha. usually I escape right after putting my donation in, then I sit in the car and wait until people come out, then drive home. but today I did communion, stayed for the whole mass, and that went well, it was an improvement.

but of course I wasn’t SUPPOSED to go to communion, jesus doesn’t WANT a horrible sinner like me to do that.

And even apart from the Smug Atheist Fedora Faggots, other stuff I read says Religion makes people Spiritually Suicidal by convincing them they are all horrible sinners, so just become a Good Slave and pray for The Afterlife and be miserable during your Life on Earth.

Which IS kinda a valid criticism.

Although I can understand Buddy Christ not being so happy about me treating Women like Disposable Receptacles and my Rotating Revolving Door Harem of 18 year old girls.

Buddy Christ
Buddy Christ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But if I were In True, Mad, God’s Luv (™) with a grill, like I was/am with girl7, no amount of religion or God’s Will would keep me from having Loving S with her.

Heh. of course GOD doesn’t STOP me from jerking off to pr0n or hating normalfag successfuls. God doesn’t MAKE you do anything. Free Will, beotches. You have to choose it for yourself, choose to submit lovingly to God’s Will. And I do agree 80% with God’s Will, I just like to Jerk Off Sometimes, or I get hateful and angry sometimes (often), but at the end of the day I feel I am an 80% good guy, and the LORD might have to be ok with that.

(As Someone who Studies Race, there is a whole other arg

Gangsta Luv
Gangsta Luv (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ument here against The Christian Religion, but I won’t discuss that here. Other than to say this undermines muh faith more than Smug Fedora Atheist Philosophical Burden of Proof Collegefag arguments.)

tues dec 10 820 am

yep bounced back breddy much 5/5 100% from seeing G7 3 days ago. Way moar than mere 51% over her. Sure if you plop her f4t 455 right in front of me muh hjartan breaks in two, old wound torn open, but when you don’t do that, then I am bretty much ok, over it. don’t think its denial or ignoring, as much as the positive effects of no contact which some people, esp muh sjalv, is the preferred method. now some things are always right and some things are always wrong, but other things can be right or wrong depending on the context and person, and while NC might not work for some, like gurls who want to be frandz with every guy who was in luv with her, for me NC is a GIFT FROM GOD.