INSULT TO INJURY / IF U HAVE TO ASK FOR RESPECT, YR DONE / NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE NEET

0205

shit. definitely have some sort of cold or flu. warm and feverish; occasional cold sweats; feeling of being run over by a truck or a Piece of Garbage hhahaha. mind was RACING last night until 4 am, took some nyquil around 2 am. took more nyquil at 12 pm then went back to bed, avoiding coffee. think i drank too much coffee yesterday. weak wobbly legs. burning eyes. dont even have the energy to look at the internet. yet i said i would meet up with a friend, becuase it seems the right thing to do, plus i am horrible about initiating contact with him. hes no angel though, i have my reasons, namely him having a ridiculous, super disappointing Drinking Problem that will totally ruin his life, marriage, family, friends, relships. but i am too pussy to give him an ultimatum because i dont like ignoring and avoiding people when they reach out to me, or especially i dont want to TTALAPOG. there has been good times and bad times and you just dont do that to people youve known for almost 20 years. they can disappoint you sure, but you arent gonna TTALAPOG unless they SEVERELY BETRAY you, and you cant even imagine what that would entail. bang your gf hahahaha. ive never had a gf he could bang plus he respects me enough to never do that and god forbid i even get a gf that would cheat on me with my long time friends!

i was watching dr phil. he had a lot of great shit to say. i pretty much luv dr phil even if his show is Slippery Schlomo’s Lies. using a Big Goy 4 U as its handsome face.

today they had a white trash mother who had 5 children by 5 different men. WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? AS LONG AS IT WAS CONSENSUAL! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITHOUT JUDGMENT!!!! the mothers mother was taking care of these neglected kids and it was a train wreck. i dont know know if all the children are white, but the 11 year old boy they talked to had a white arm hahahaha.  and it was tragic!!!! total white trash mother!

and another episode about Controlling Husbands. one guy had some good points about about the show selectively showing a doctored picture of their home. hmm standing up to schlomo i said, not bad goy. BUT within minutes it became clear he was Unhinged and was HIGHLY neurotic and not normal. paranoid, obsessive, compulsive, high tension, suspicious, on the edge, very keyed up and anxious and hyper, like he was having a nervous breakdown. i know that feel hahahaha. he tried to reduce his internal anxiety by controlling his wife, but it didnt work. he had to learn to SELF SOOTHE. similar story with the other husband on the show. he was CLEARLY anxious and derpressed about being out of work for YEARS on injury, so he tried to fix his anxiety by controlling his wife.

i thought, WOW, these women PUT UP WITH A LOT. I would have been DUMPED in a NEW YORK SECOND acting like that, not put up with it for YEARS. NOW, these were postwall women in their 40s, certainly not beautiful or anything, but still. they deserve respect too hahahahaha.

WILL YOU TRY THIS POGAM FOR 90 DAYS? dr phil says. and they get so hopeful and jiggle their Bingo Wings when the man says ok yeah i guess if its the only way to keep her from walking.

i was like SHIT. if i asked a woman to do a 90 day program to work on our rel, she would say fook you, 90 days, tahts way too much, thats 3 months! I could find 10 guys that are better than you in every way in that time! See ya!

in other words, these wives were very WILLING and LOVING and LOYAL to STAND BY their men during very bad times. and to fix problems that were 10 times worse than the problems Me and Her had.

also: what IF she is the type of gurl who thinks EVERYTHING IS ABUSE? some people thing everything is abuse, when its really not, its just normal pain or angst or conflict or struggle. its not abuse.

and then if the woman is really comitted to the man, she will stay with him even IF there is REAL abuse!

anyway….do i want to be with a woman who FALSELY ACCUSES me of ABUSE? she’s the type of crazy b who might do a FALSE RAEP ACCUSATION and ruin a mans life with a LIE!!!!! now THATS a horrible betrayal!

how many nervous breakdowns does a person have in their life hahahaha. how often shoud you have them.  i had one in 2001 and then again in 2015.

since then i had quit a lot of bad habits that led to my first “breakdown,” namely alcohol and MJ. but i am still lazy and anxious.

very hard to be PRODUCTIVE.

its like i cant even HANDLE a REgualr BIg boy job, it puts me on the verge of a nervous breakdown and then i have it, and the job and or the rel does not last hahaha.

i am CERTAIN that smoking a LOT of mj before age 25 make me a generally more anxious and despairing person. heavy MJ use increases anxierty AND despair even after you quit. it probably even changes you damn brain permanantly for the worse in those ways.

yet i thougt i knew it all, i believed the degeneracy that said the Herbal Joo is just Mind Expanding MEDICINE to help you RELAX and CHILL OUT.  so why do you get high anxiety and dread and guilt when you partake? then why are you more anxious afterwards, when its out of your system?

i ALWAYS had high anxiety and guilt and shame so its hard to say if i got worse.

also u

0206

one of russell crowes great grandmothers is maori. this makes russell crowe an OCTAROON!!!!! he is essentially 12.5% BLACK!  welp i never would have guessed. lesson: you can be “only” 87.5% white and basically be as good as 100% white in my book hahaha.

this is all because i am watching a beautiful mind on tv which is a decent movie and russell crowe is a decent actor.

heh. i would rather have paranoid schizo and be a successful respected phd mathematician, than have basic bitch anxiety, despair, and maybe one day bipolar, and be a huge frickin loser hahahaha. i mean he just got obsessed and got so good at superhard maths that that was his ticket to success. and top skools and gummint agencies came looking for him to give him well paid work. so he saw a few hallucinations. big deal. small price to pay. and an attractive white wife. though i dont trust that whore jennifer connelly hahahahaha. think she ever cheated on a bf or husbando?

and here i am confusing fiction with reality hahahaha. degenerate actors playing highly fictionalized versions of real people who are probably not as degenerate and certainly not nearly as good-looking.

Why Good People Ghost: The Rise Of A Dishonest Dating Culture

this person is a degenerate even as they start to recognize the degeneracy in the “current dating culture.” i guess its not bad enough to keep them from having Casual Sex with multiple people at the same time, just cuz thats NORMAL now.

heh. i couldnt sleep and thought my best hope would be maybe when i am 40 i could find like a 34 year old single mom with 2 kids already and then i might be able to convince her to have a child with me. but having two children with her would be rough. but her preexisting kids would not respect me and then they would prob also bully My child because its not their full sibling and its part of me, who they dont like. and if im not strong enough to overcome those influences, then my child will grow up to be a white trash loser. either a drug addict scumbag, or a neet virgin unable to mate with white girls.

yeah i dont like the word “ghosting.” there is the implication that you are “dating”, and only for a short time, and also that everything SEEMS to be going well.

here we were friends, for a long time, and it was clear things werent going well, and she just avoided and ignored and did silent treatment and no respond. “ghosting” doesnt quite describe it fully.

i hate when you cant pass a caller onto someone more knowledgable, so you have to essentially figure their shit out ON THE SPOT. in the space of several minutes, you have to go from not knowing to knowing, and explain it to them.

or lets say you have angry clients who are demanding a discount because you got the order wrong, or late, or damaged. then you say sorry about that, well get a replacement out in 30 to 60 days, no discounts, sorry, and you can get away with that because you are kind of a monopoly. you know your clients arent gonna find some other company who can do it for cheaper in a …… 3 state radius i dunno.

or they WANT an explanation but you cant give them an explanation because an explanation is really SUPERFLUOUS. they dont really NEED it, plus it costs MONEY to come up with one, so, its better for the company to not give an explanation.

i just hate looking stupid and unprofessional and then get angry at the company for saying this is ok.

nope i cant transfer you to a higher up. I cant even talk to the higher ups!

no one has time to confirm if youre doing your job right, only that youre meeting whatever stupid quality metrics. but as far as doing the actual technical procedures correctly….that is NOT measured. it would be impossible to measure other than having a higher up sit with you for at leat 8 hours and watch all the technical stuff you do. and its LAUGHABLE to suggest that a higher up should do this. they all have their OWN case loads, the stuff tier 1 couldnt figure out. they dont have TIME to TRAIN tier 1!!!!! NOBODY has time to train tier 1!!!!!!

i like to take pride in my work, and not Pass The Buck like a black, or try to Scam like a Schlomo. I want to treat people honestly and fairly and give them Good Service.

now when i say pass the buck, i mean transfering them before youve even attempted to solve the problem. However I think if you’ve been bashing your brains out for an hour trying to solve the problem and its clear that youre just doing trial and error, then you should be able to transfer it to someone else.

its like going to a math tutor for calculus 4, but that tutor has never taken calculus 4, let alone passed it with an A or a B. YOU have taken more calculus 4 than your tutor. So the tutor breaks out the same textbook you have, says WELP lets look at the old manual, then maybe checks a few OTHER textbooks, then checks google, and says WELP a lot, then finally WELP i THINK i might have gotten it, then gives you an answer that might be wrong, but neither he nor you can PROVE its wrong, then a week later you get your homework back and the instructor has put a big X on it, indicating that its wrong, but no indication WHY, so then you have to go back to the same stupid tutor again.

or when 3 or more departments bounce you back and forth because “we dont handle that, this other department does”………and some of the people who say that are correct….but at least one person is bullshitting. yes, your department DOES handle it. but they are too untrained or they dont have a knowledgable person available to ask, “hey does our department handle this?” so the fookin new guy just “errs on the side of caution” to get the person off the phone. becuase HE cant get better advice from anyone in HIS area.

i hate this kind of shit. its like the lunatics running the asylum. or a bunch of black warlords making up the rules as they go along. you see this kind of CHAOS and you wonder how the company can stay in business WITHOUT scamming people!!!!!!!!

no accountability. that kind of stuff bothers me. i dont mind being held accountable for my work as long as i can get reliable answers from my higher ups. tell me WHY this is happening so i can have an EXPLANATION for them. give me some kind of ETA, even a rough ESTIMATE.

or lets say you are at home depot and theres a tornado. some of the employees tell the customers to stand in the middle of the store. other employees try to corral the customers into like a warehouse or soemthing. other employees scream run outside! get out of the building as fast as you can!

and whats amazingly clear is that these employees have not been trained on tornado procedures.

shit like that just looks really really bad imho!

but at least now i understand WHY it happens. because its a COST.

maybe the training was reduced to a computer module or a something the employee has to sign off on. but because they are pressured to do the training module after they punch out, they go through it as fast as possible, click click click click without reading it, because theyre not getting paid for this, and they want to get home and smoke MJ hahahaha or work on their masters degree or pick their kids up from indoctrination and shove some macdonalds in their face.

so you have to be good at bullshitting and nobody teaches you how to bullshit, there are not even good articles on the INTERNET teaching you how to bullshit. its like its some kinda big SECRET.

i would say its about telling pretty lies, but lies you cant get caught it, and always trying to cover your ass, and telling them what they want to hear, but not making promises, while trying to keep their hopes up, and when in doubt, throw your higher ups under the bus (“i really went to bat for you sir, but those bastards higher up the food chain just arent gonna play ball, it is what it is”) AND realize what you can and cannot get away with, what corners you can and cannot cut.

SEE? this is fooking HORRIBLE! as an honest white person, i just want to do an honest job and not have to bullshit and cut corners, but also not look stupid or unprofessional. damn.

like shouldnt you acting like an untrained idiot reflect poorly on YOUR manager? yes it SHOULD, but it DOESNT if nobody can get AHOLD of your manager! that you would get WRITTEN UP if you gave your managers phone number to someone! shit you dont even know how to transer a caller to your managers VOICE MAIL, and neither do any of the people around you. so you just freak out and transfer the caller to the main line, and hope you dont get them again when your call ends.

and you yourself learned to be unaccountable because…..no one was accountable to you, they werent accountable for their work, why should YOU be accountable for your work? especially if you dont really know what youre doing? you can always claim ignorance! because everyone was ignorant in some ways!

basically you just DO shit until you got in trouble for it, then said oh im sorry i didnt know that was a thing. i dont do it again!

so yeah it should reflect poorly on your manager…….if your clients/customers could ever talk to your manager! managers dont have to take calls because THEY DONT WANT TO! you can tell the person whos complaining about you, that you will pass along their complaint to a manager, who will call them back if they want, but no promises.

WRONG ANSWER. i demand to speak to a manager.

really the best think you CAN do is change your voice and pretend to be a manager, or have your neighbor do it, but they probably wont have time.

0207

it was difficult to get used to the work but even more difficult to get used to the NATURE of the work. namely, an Inbound Tier 1 Call Center where you didnt have much freedom or autonomy to call someone back; you couldnt Have Someone Else call Them Back with an answer; you didnt have an Explanation or an Estimated Time for anything; you seemed poorly prepared because you WERE poorly prepared, unless you were crazy obsessed like me and went home after a long stupid day and went right back into the shit and STUDIED it on your free time!

come home, eat dinner, get blazed on the herbal j00, listen to some Bach or Beethoven or Religious Chanting, get on to company intranet and read your case notes and knowledge base and work email and shit. damn.

i liked being able to immerse myself in the stuff in a peaceful environment, with no phones ringing and nobody demanding answers now, and i could just study and understand and practice shit, and yeah i think the herbal j00 was helpful there in “defragmenting” my mind after a long day. though maybe it wasnt NECESSARY. but at that point i really enjoyed it and had no desire to stahp. i looked forward to it at the end of a tuff day. if i couldnt be with muh female friend and cuddle with her and yes i would secs her up as well, cuz theres nothing women hate more than a pussy sensitive man who likes cuddling but is nervous about fooking. so i would just get blazed and occasionally text her and she would text back and i would get my fix that way.

so its her fault for giving me my fix?

NO….but it did give me false hope that we would Hang Out Someday. Because Friendly Texting implies that Yes, We Will Hang Out Again Someday, not I Am Going To TUALAPOG / Abort / BTFO you.

in other words, she could have started avoiding/ignoring/blocking me THEN!! instead of responding to texts.

i dunno. you dont have to like someone back, to care about them and their lives, especially when you used to have a long term friendship. you used to be important to them and now you are not important at ALL. still i dont think thats a REASON to throw anyone away LAPOG. you say, welp i have lost interest in them, but they are still a decent human being, and we once had a good friendship, so, it would be WRONG to TTALAPOG, so im just gonna talk to them and tell them im done lol.

but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. hahahahaha.

anyway. basically if someone wants an explanation and your higher ups dont have one and you cant figure it out, just tell them, im sorry, but there just is no explanation for this. and if they continue to push, tell them you’ll look into it and contact then yourself within 72 hours. and then go home and reserach the issue during your free time and email them then. or just blow them off and hope they forget it hahahahaha.

http://archive.is/3xQbc

they have a PERFECT relship except for the SECS, he has a bad habit of losing his Erection, and he is afraid she will dump him because he’s not improving quickly enough, even though their rel is prefect in every other way. just that hes not improving FAST enough for her liking. he knows if she dumps him he will be devastated, and i fully believe him! not really any good responses so far. i am tempted to say: if this is such a good rel, she would GIVE YOU A CHANCE.

like it should take 90 days to notice any kind of change but theyve only been “Dating” a “Few WEEKS.” and this slut is annoyed the SECS isnt as nonawkward as she thinks it should be. after a few weeks. and shes 18 and has been with a lot of guys. do you think she is gonna give him a chance for 90 days? fook no, she’s gonna dump him, and he’s gonna be devastated. he is already worried that the emotional devastation will affect his school performance. and yes it probably will. and this will then affect his career for the rest of his LIFE hahahahaha. he will get a worse GPA, not be able to get certain jobs, not be able to go to certain grad skools. fook no a 19 year old young man is not ready for this, i dont think you CAN be at that age.

this is why women should not go to college hahahaha. honestly they shouldnt hahahaha. they just become sluts anyway.  like this gurl. 18 years old and already ruined for life. and this young mans risking his entire life on a fickle, impatient 18 year old slut. what a shame.

heh i actually replied on reddit. my first reply hahahahahaha.

basically i told him she needs to be more understanding and give him time and not hang the threat of dumping him over his head. like THATS gonna help him perform better. plus this is the FIRST gurl he has ever been with. he is just getting used to secs. come on. give the guy a CHANCE. and if they are so GOOD, they will be able to communicate about this and work through it, rather than her saying “fix yourself FAST.” i said, how would YOU treat HER if SHE was the one with the secsual problem? you would prob bend over backwards to support her. is she doing that for you?

would you treat her like she is treating you now? prob NOT!

would I treat my female former friend the way she treated me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. OH GOD. I WOULD NEVER TREAT SOMEBODY LIKE THAT. TTALAPOG. NEVER.

oh noes, the TRS forum has been SHOAHED because of the troll raids on kristen howerton on twitter, the swpl therapist mommy blogger who brags about her two adopted black boys and has Creepy Suggestive pictures of them with her White Biological Daughters. and the husband is of course a family therapist and very cucky. so some TRS people and i assume general twitter shitlords jumped on and tried to shame the woman. there was a big trs thread which probably should have been not public hahahaha.  kind of suprising a mod did not move the thread to the private section, but the mods work and have lives, unlike the neets like me who read the forum all day.

i certainly did not TWEET anything, but i did like a bunch of posts in the trs thread hahahaha. maybe i will get banned from the forum.

i didnt think the harrassment was too bad, considering she was putting all these pictures out there publicly. and the trolls were just photoshopping in buckets of kfc or that sort of thing hahahaha.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/02/05/when-a-public-family-is-publicly-attacked/?_r=0

wow the ny slimes actually had an article about it. whoa

https://archive.is/cjZDH

interview with a 58 year old virgin

https://archive.is/Z8cr9

ridiculous 8ch thread on male virgins wow how long can it get

http://archive.is/wlDVg

make women great again, women are degen crap, they need better role models hahahaha

i went on pol because trs got shut down and figured 8pol would be good place to go

0208

heh. weighed in at 159 pounds in the morning pre coffee, post morning Micturation hahahaha, in which you can easily get rid of like 1 lb of Water Weight. so this means my first goal is reached, hooray, i am no longer “overweight.” but on the very high end of normal. consumed less than 1200 calories yesterday and myfitnesspal told me this was not recommended, i am not eating enough, and will not show me my projected 5 week weight until i consumed 1200 calories hehehehe.

now you could consume 1300 calories and burn 1000 calories at the gym, it wont complain about that.

but i have been Ill with a fever or cold or something and have not been eating much or exercising, dont want to go to gym when sick. seem to be getting better tho.

now just gotta lose 19 more pounds hahahahahaha.

make it a goal to lose 14.88% of your body weight.

its not gonna help you get women unless youre tall, but it will help you get healthier and feel more confidence when you look at your no longer so fat body. might make it easier to get jobs and keep people from Bullying you at Work hahahahahahahahaha. Whose bullied more, fat people or nonfat people? i mean skinny nerds get bullied all the time. but so do fat losers.

i watched “married at first sight” and all the women suck. i mean the men arent great either, but theyre better than the women. its a common thing where the man will want to communicate, lets communicate and put an effort into solving this problem, but the woman would rather shut down, run away, not communicate, be mad, throw a tantrum, and the guy is understandably frustrated: he wants to fix this, and she is not willing in the least. how about a litle cooperation and willingness. nope.

so i say a good thing is to give them a spanking and then hopefully they respect you again.

its just a real shitty situation when the woman stops respecting you. you cant then go to her and beg plleeeeeaaasseeee respect me, ill do anything you want, what do i have to do for you to respect me? answer: nothing. its impossible. if you have to ask, you;ll NEVER get respect.

and when you see your beloved turning away from you, drifting away from you, you get scared and desperate and its real hard to stand up and be the hard man which is the only way youll get respect back!

heh. how do i get respect from my male friends. just by being myself, being a decent person. not brain surgery.

but this is NOT enough if you want to get respect from women. you gotta be a tough guy and a hardass too hahahaha. yeah well i dont respect women cuz they are sluts and mudsharks and too damn promiscuous! goes both ways bitches hahahahaha.

the disrespect was just a double whammy on top of the rejection though. insult to injury. you can injure me but please dont insult me on top of it. i really didnt deserve that. other sluts gave me more respect when they dumped me hahaha why couldnt you.

i dunno. i just hate getting disrespected. if i did something wrong i am usually the first to feel ashamed about it. even moreso than other people. so to get disrespect from them for a total overreaction, misjudgment, mistake, misunderstanding, is fooking infuriating.

but you cant make somebody respect you. or stop disrespecting you.

google gf doesnt respect me

hhehehehe the mainstream and womens media makes it look like this never happens. but it obviously happens a lot. men everywhere are being disrespected by women.

whose fault is it? the men for being shitty little pussies? or the women for gradually coming to take their men for granted? i mean they knew what they were getting into!

a guy like me will take all the responsibility and blame: well she doesnt respect me any more, it MUST have been something i DID, now let me fight to WIN BACK her respect.

when yeah i WAS being more of a pussy and women HATE and disrespect that……but i also think it can be a conscious choice too. like, i once respected this person, what did they REALLY DO to cause my respect to decrease?

is there really a good reason to disrespect this person or am i just overreacting?

i dunno. its just so stupid that women can be so childish and immature and wrong and they never have to answer for it. is that part of their natural Privileges from having the uterus? maybe. that they are shielded from any consequences of their immaturity. that may well hurt men, but doesnt hurt the women in the least.

i dunno. maybe. therefore  im not allowed to be upset.

well, i AM allowed to be upset, i was the one wrongly disrespected!

i just wish she face some damn KARMA for this. JUSTICE hahahahaha. justice for me hahahahaha. what goes around comes around. but when it comes to women being immature…..what goes around doesnt always come back around. they just keep being stupid idiots until they have at least 2 kids. women need at least 2 kids before they stop being children themselves. till then they can go around treating people like shit.

hell no its not right, and thats why mothers and fathers would raise their daughters not to treat people like shit!

just make a damn effort to not break hearts in the most devastating way possible. and this was someone i knew and trusted, who treated me badly. just a total mindfook but i am slowly become numb to it, which is really the best and only solution here, because there wont be any REAL closure.

closure ultimately comes from within, but SOME closure CAN come from the other person. they CAN help you in the process. indeed, that is the decent thing to do. help the person you’re dumping and heartbreaking, to get started on the path to closure. give them a little bit to start them off.

anyway i have been taking nyquil every night for about 5 nights so, that kinda numbs the mind as well. feeling better so want to get off that. just try the dayquil today.

but yeah dr phil would be a great independent tribunal, an arbiter if you will. i would bring her on and we would present our cases and dr phil would say ya know sweetie, you’re just acting like a spoiled child here, he deserves better treatment. we at the dr phil show side with him. now go apologize to him and ask him for forgiveness. also consider dating him too. a white man who actually cares about you and would fight to make things work with you.

http://archive.is/53KA7

daily reminder to find a good wife, how to do so amidst the sea of degen whores hahahaha

http://shrink4men.com/2011/04/18/are-you-an-abused-man-three-questions/

QUOTE  “My wife thinks I’m being abusive and controlling when I tell her her behavior is hurtful.” END

yeah that sucks. when a woman accuses YOU of being abusive when you are just trying to communicate and or stand up for yourself, and she gets all upset, and you think…….wait……maybe i AM really abusing her!

but youre not!

0209

im not asking to never be disappointed. just that you attempt to show a little human decency and common courtesy when disappointing me, try not to add insult to injury. show a SHRED of kindness. dont be the worst person you can be. dont COMPLETELY BTFO people you have known for YEARS without a single word.

plus it makes me feel even worse for liking her. like i never thought i could like someone again, and i took a leap of faith and opened muh heart miraculously, took a chance, decide someone is important enough to you to make sacrifices for, have chirren with…….and then they TUALAPOG. and you were thinking about spending your LIFE with them and having CHIRREN with them.

makes you think holy shit how could i be so WRONG about this person?

i thought I KNEW them!

hey i was no angel. i was not perfect. my communication skills left a lot to be desired. but the right thing to do when your real actual literal friend gets feelings for you is to say IM SORRY BUT I DONT HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU hehehe.

yeah its always complicated though, its never really a good situation.

why didnt I just TAKE THE HINT and stop pressing the issue? and just move on?

well because i was desperately hoping we would hang out at SOME point, and this was a person i USED to hang out with. its not like i NEVER hung otu with her. for a long time we would hang out semi regularly. and that sets a tone and expectation of semi regular hanging out.

shit yeah it would be a LOT DIFFERENT if i NEVER hung out with her ever. but thats not the case.

like for example when you know EARLY ON you are interested in the gurl, before you even really hang out with her.

but yeah its just weird when you already have an established thing, are already friends, have a history of hanging out, also they have some legit good reasons for space, you try to give it to them.

i dunno. yeah i guess i coulda just taken the hint, but this shit was different, because we had something already, we were already friends, we already hung out, that i think sets some expectations and such. i was WAY closer and friendlier with woman2015 than i was with woman2012. woman2o12 we were just friendly acquaintances. w2015, we were full blown friends. no doubt about it. that makes a big difference.

yeah i KNOW that by getting feelings I single handedly CHANGED the relationship without her consent. but i was trying to get her consent, or her input, or whatever.  you dont have to like me back but please be gentle when you break my heart, please make an attempt not to add insult to injury. how hard is this. say thanks for the good times and i wish you well. thts all.

im not entitled to anything, i just think because we had a 2-3 year friendship, that i had a reasonable expectation to a SHRED of mercy and kindness and courtesy and respect, thats all, nothing more, nothing less.

anyway. really gotta get over this. i have become a total neet loser. and she is a winner making tons of money and tons of white knights fawning over her, but she will prob screw it up by getting knocked up by a badboy and being too stupid to use a rubber, oh they feel weird, oh im just too stupid, and who cares about the stds from these sleazebags, im a sleazebag too. but shes not a neet loser hahahaha.

are there any female neets? i dont think so! they simply dont exist! and yeah thats a biological privilege i am not arguing with. i am not REALLY butthurt about that hahahaha.

i just wish women were kinder and more respectful to men. to ME hahahahaha. theres no biological reason they cant be more respectful to me hahahaha.

come on. doesnt matter if i “revoked our friendship on the spot”. i claim i didnt. if you claim i did, burden of proof is on you to prove why.

 

 

DONT BEG FOR AN APOLOGY

1205

moon man, killin ni99ers and securing the existence of our people and a future for our children hahahaha

that feel when you go to a family restaurant and see a 22 year old white gurl with a 1 year old white baby, and a young black semi thug looking guy hahahaha. little white baby grows up watching their mother becoming a mudshark hahahaha.

so im insecure racist because i dont like white women fooking nonwhite men. is this SO BAD on my part? i dont like them fooking nonwhite men, and i like them having nonwhite babies even LESS.

so she got her heart broken, and she wants to break HIS heart. makes sense. but she CANT because he doesnt love her.

i got my heart broken by her, i want to break HER heart, but i CANT, because she doesnt love me.

see how this works? she just needed to break the heart of SOMEONE, and in order to do that, they gotta have feelings for you. i was there with my feelings, it was very annoying to her, AND she needed a heart to break.

WELL, i would never do that. i dont want to break anyone elses heart but HERS!

i was thinking i could pay a charming man with herpes to bang her and give her herpes. then i got sad because that would mean she is a slut who would unprotected bang any charming player. and that some alpha men essential have sexual CHOICE, much like women, because they are THAT desirable to wmen.

south korea looks weird on google maps. why is that. i want an explanation. i mean you cant click on stuff and it just looks weird with the place names and text of streets and states and cities and such compared to the neighboring countries. why is that. i want an explanation. and it looks fuzzy and low resolution.

http://ogleearth.com/2012/07/constraining-online-maps-the-case-of-south-korea/

uhh the govt of south korea i guess is why hahahaha

http://map.naver.com/

you can get more on naver which is the korean “google” ie the google competitor

anyway i feel completely incompetent, like i cant do ANY job.

If you have any questions, figure it out on your own, cuz if you have to ask someone for help…..YOUR FIRED.

you will be fired by someone who thinks YOUR is the appropriate spelling there hahaha.

Albania is essentially a non european country IN europe. and countries like UK, france, and germany are becoming more non european. but i wonder, is there lots of muslim terrorism in albania? is albania a de facto islamic state? sharia law? connections to isis? why is there not more islamic terrorism in the nonmuslim european countries surrounding albania, ie serbia, montenegro, greece, macedonia? and kosovo is basically albania 2 right?

”  According to 2011 census, 58.79% of Albania adheres to Islam, making it the largest religion in the country. The majority of Albanian Muslims are secular Sunni with a significant Bektashi Shia minority. Christianity is practiced by 16.99% of the population, making it the 2nd largest religion in the country.
Religion in Albania – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion_in_Albania  Wikipedia  ”

i thought sunni was what isis was. what the heck is a secular sunni.

http://history.stackexchange.com/questions/12554/why-were-albanians-the-only-nation-in-the-balkans-who-converted-to-islam-during

its kinda like having a falling out with a very good friend. only instead of being stubbornly mad at them entirely, you’re also sad and begging them to come back. they are more sutbbornly mad than you are, althgouh you gradually come to hate them for being so stubborn and not giving you a damn CHANCE.

do you feel like you havent been given a fair chance?

yes yes i do hahaha. i was not given a fair shake.

google racist composers other than wagner hahahahahaha

everyone hates wagner so much. hahahah.

today i learned that my boy mikko aspa is also in a nationalistic RAC type band which is very pro finnish and name translates to “cross of liberty” and he wears suspenders!!!! in other words this might be his most “racist” and definitely Political thing yet!!!!!!!!

i think this is great, totally awesome, because he of course “flirts with fascism” but its kinda hard to understand what he’s saying sometimes. literally and figuratively hahahaha. plus i think his power electronics celebrates degeneracy and nihilism. however, an interest in Blood And Soil is anything but degenerate and nihilistic, and imho makes mikko even kewler! finland for the finns i say!!!!

http://sarastuslehti%5Bdot%5Dcom/2015/10/28/mikko-aspan-haastattelu/

you can get a horrible english google translation hahaha.

oh this is great. oh god bless you mikko. he’s always been one of my favorites, but i never liked that degeneracy and nihilism he was/is involved in, he’s better than that. i hope he gets more publicly and proudly political in the future! and this band plays shows in finland and gets the crybabies in the media crying about it!

probably because The MIgrant Crisis is big in finland now, as it is everywhere in the world. this could be the moment The West rises up to defend itself and throw out its invaders once and or all………or be cucked by marxist traitors once and for all. you know what side mikko and me are on!

really i would like for him to have kids and turn away from Nihilism forever. and this nationalist group is a step in the right direction!

look for the picture of him with a mustache and suspenders hahahaha oh thats so good.

stuff like that keeps me going when my heart is broken, when decent women do horrible things to me. itd be one thing if she were a horrible degen. then this would be par for the course. but this will probably be one of the worst things shes done in her life. she just needed to break someones heart after getting hers broken, then after she does that, she can go back to being a decent peron. done and done. and noone will ever believe she could do someting like that.

well i still want her to get her heart broken again as karma for what she did to me.

theres not alot in english about the band but videos have started popping up on youtube, they have facebook page, etc.

anyway it would be easier if she were a total piece of shit, so i could write her off and say have a shitty life, piece of shit. but she will continue to be the moral and decent woman i fell in luv with…..she was just a piece of shit to me becuase of circumstances. because she needed somebody to be shitty to and i was in the right )(wrong) place at the right time!

why are white women so Racially Suicidal? why do they seem to prefer nonwhite men over white men? because nonwhite men are more masculine? i can understand that. just like SOME white men prefer asian women because asian women are more feminine than white women.

but i say to white women, give white men a damn CHANCE. there are plenty of masculine white men. also,fatherless ghetto matriarchy thuggishness and barbarism is not true masculinity, ya damn morons. these women need damn strong fathers to phsyically restrain them from fooking nonwhite thugs. sad but true.

but once you get a few white babies from these white women, that usually sets them right, and they dont need to be restrained by their fathers and husbands any more. you can begin to trust them in other words! well, sometimes but not always. certainly some white women with white children have abandoned their families to have wild fun with tyrone.

that is the name of the group hahahaha. he actually plays shows with them and gets photographed. BALLSY!!!

shit. anyway she was one of the most positive people in my life and now shes gone forever, after treating me like shit. i always liked her as a friend, but then i gradually liked her more and more and more and more and by 2 years into it, i was in luv with her. seriously. it didnt happen overnight hahaha.

i wanted to Fight For what we had, i didnt want to give it up without a fight, i wanted us to argue, to argue would show she had some emotion about it. well she was either too mad or not mad enough to argue with me.

but yeah she had become my inspiration, my motivation, my muse. she was one of the most important, most beloved people in my life and now she is gone. and to be gone in that way. all at once, completely. its like theyre dead because one moment theyre there, the next theyre not, and you can remember the last day/time you talked. but shes not dead! she just chose to throw me away and never ever talk to me again, and not respond to my desperate begging for communication! my favorite person! and now my life is in ruins!

i will always have my right wing reactionary stuff to sustain me…….but she was much more powerful of a sustainer! she made luv come out of my heart!!!!!!!! very few people can do that!

i can understand why a person could do this, i just thought she was a better person than that.

break my heart to get revenge on someone else. hurt me because someone else hurt her and she couldnt hurt them back. shit. i would rather she stalked him, terrorized him, got it out of her system. did she desperately beg him to come back? i dont know. i thought she rightfully called it off angrily after she found out he was cheating.

she could have just stayed with him and begged him to stop cheating. or he could have cheated, then dumped her, then her beg him to take her back and shes ok with sharing him. these are all desperate things i would have done hahahaha.

also, how could she fall so deeply in luv so soon after her main LTR ended? thats shady imho and stupid. i knew she knew this guy beforehand but. how long? did she always have a crush on him or something? what was the process and timeline of her falling in luv with him? did she REALLY luv him or just THINK she luved him? did she just THINK she DIDNT luv me? i didnt trust her judgement in matters of feelings and rels in other words. maybe its because she didnt have a father.

she didnt really luv him! she doesnt know what she wants! deep down she’ll discover she really wants ME! but she just doesnt know it yet! so i have to keep pursueing her!

yeah you can see that is ridiculous. i deserve a woman who ACTUALLY KNOWS if she wants to be with me or not. not some mudshark who is horrible at relationships.

hehehehe i should start a RAC band hahahaha with some other hwite men

1206

came close to clicking on her youtube channel today, which i dont always remember she has, as i ws going thru my youtube view history. which has everything ive ever watched on youtube..for years. since before i met her hahahaa. i just cleared all view and search history.

heh. i mean i could just look up her damn channel right now! im not blocked or anything. but i have to stay strong. not TAINT muh new view and saerch histroy hahaha.

come on. just apologize to me. have your new alpha successful boifran apologize to me for you! maybe i should contact her and beg for an apology because an apology would be such great Closure.

it would kind of be good closure…..but id still want her.

would it be WORTH IT? why dont i just DO IT and get it out of my system? she probably wouldnt respond anyway.

she had all the power. she wanted me out of her life. she dumped me. she ignored me. she ignored my last attempt to beg for a response. i have gone like 110 days with NIC.

111 days ackshully. made a google spreadsheet where it calculates the exact days, day by day. and 145 days since The End. shit thats 34 days in between. you think she could have cooled down enough to respond after 35 days.

you just do =today()-a5 whatever, where a5 = 1/1/2015 or whatever the desired DDAY was.

dont forget your index and count and match functions hahahaha

if she wanted to contact me and apologize, she would.

if she wanted to have someone else contact me and apologize because she was too afraid, she would.

IVE BEGGED ENOUGH.

when you want an apology, its not your role to BEG for it. maybe if i were still on speaking terms with her, i could ASK for it. “I would like an apology please and thank you.”

but were not on speaking terms!

and its CERTANLY not my role to BEG her to get on speaking terms with her, so i then BEG her for an apology!

but i will see a PERFECT 10 20 year old gurl and still want That Person MORE. cuz it takes a long time for Luv to die.  I have to mansplain this to who think secs is just secs, a fetus is just a parasite, who dont understand luv and monogamy and loyalty, who think oxytocin is a patriarchal myth to force women to stay with men who abuse them.

watched ridiculous episode of drugs inc where the subject was KROKODIL, and some of the people were just pathetic, like this 80 pound woman where you could actually see most of the fookin bone in her arm. the flesh had just rotted away entirely leaving a good 6 to 8 inches of plain old BONE visible. they never explained why a simply opiate could rot your flesh. i guess because it was mixed with Gasoline and Red Phosphorous. and thats what does it. but it is basically made from codeine, then cooked. and is supposedly stronger and cheaper than heroin.

then they had a camera person in tbilisi georgia which i thought was neat cuz im not really sure what georgian people look like. and i am interested in weird countries like that. i could not tell if they were speakin georgian or russian.

also most of the people had their faces blocked out.

i encourage all single or nonmonogamous or “available” women to be celibate for a year hahahaha. or to only have secs with a man once you know him well enough to discern whether he is a man of substance or not. hint hes probably not if you are on the chad carousel banging tons of guys and feeeeeeeeeeeeeling cray cray, ya dumb whore hahahaha. close your legs, get to know your secs partners before taking another koch and adding to your number yet again.

maybe i should have someone I know contact her for me hahahahahaha

well i dont want anyone in my family to, or any of my friends, also i am distancing from all my few friends, in a way she was one of my closest friends. i felt that way, but she didnt obviously.

she has more people she could ask to contact me hehehehe. i could ask my shrink hahahaha. i might actually. i mean i dont know how women work, well i know what Red Pill types same, that they are hypergamous whores who response only to Raw Power and Dominance. So I could contact her and COMMAND her hahahahaha. establish FRAME hahahaha.

but i honestly never met a woman like her before and i worry i never will again. she actually seemed like a normal decent person and not a bitchy crazy slut hahahaha. so i connected with her on a very human level as opposed to just an attractive ass to fook hahahaha.

ok the georgian language is a kartvelian language which is NOT an indo european language. but a caucasian language. but armenian IS an indo european language.

and they are both Caucasian Ethnic groups. but azeris are turkic! and iranians are iranian hahahaha.

so i know stalin was a georgian. ok georgians are mainly orthodox christian. and less than 10% of georgians speak russian. so those georgirans in the krokodil show prob were speaking georgian.

Stalin said, “This creature softened my heart of stone. She died and with her died my last warm feelings for humanity.”

is what stalin said when his first wife died. he was in superluv with her kinda like i was in luv with That Person. except That Person never luved me or married me or had a babby with me or died tragically young.

are georgians white. shit theyre probably whiter than albanians.

google image search georgian women. great. some look white, some do not hahahaha. they all have dark hair. some have lighter eyes. i would totes bang the more white looking ones.

theyre caucasian but theyre not totally europid hahahaha. just like the finns. hahahahaha no im kidding, finns ahve got to be whiter than georgians.

i might have a mixed race georgian baby with a beautiful, pure, young, virtuous georgian gurl hahahaha, one who looked more white than nonwhite hahahaha.

LOSING INTEREST

910

well perhaps the time is healing the woundz a little bit but now there is the feeling of emptiness and derpression, and the void and abyss and muh love for her was such a big part of muh life, and now its ALL GONE FOREVER.

a breakthrough in the future will be, I am done. not just her choosing to be done with me, but me being physically and emotionally incapable of having any more thoughts or feelings about her and our Rel. just getting Burnt Out on Ruminating abotu it in other words.

so maybe i could go back to muh job and see her every day and just ignore her!

whoa lets not get carried away here. that would prob still be too much.

and its not like i have just one big problem here, but TWO big problems. deal with the heartbreak AND find a new JOB.

neither of which have been easy for me ever. now gotta try to do both at once. funny because i keep thinking about her so much i forget there are TWO big things i gotta deal with.  damn.

but i think i am makign some progress with the heartbreak so that is good. thank GOD for that.

but time for another 2.8 miler here, second of the day, liek to get in 3 today.

then might take some nyquil hahahaha.

already feeling a bit tired however.

slept ok last night sort of. still wake up early. but i was nice and tired when i laid down yesterday night, that does not happen often.

the TWO YEAR RULE? who came up with the two year rule. that it takes 2 years to get used to a new job, 2 years to get used to a new city, 2 years to get over somebody, either a lover or a death.

hehehe you got one more week to get better at your job, with no help from us, cuz we dont know shit, or YA FIRED.

this is how people train. figure it out yourself quickly, or YA FIYAD.

i do not like this harshness of the real world so it is why i have always sought the tenderness of Luv with Wimmin. that was just as harsh!

stupid bitches and whores.

so yeah i do feel i have turned another corner. i probably am at 10% now. sweeeeeet.

looked at people on linkedin who are all WAY more successful than me. fook linkedin. even looked at the womans. she had 1 connection which was me. i then removed it and now she has 0. i sort of recall one day when we were Building our friendship and i helped her start the linkedin profile.

fookin careers and educaiton and shit. people working for a living and not going crazy and quitting their jobs. people being in long term relationships because neither them nor their partner wants to leave. you figure if someone wanted to leave they would leave, if they didnt really want to be with the person. like she left me hahahaahahaha.

anyway thank god she didnt have her picture on the linkedin and she never updates it!

ok time for the 3rd powerwalk hahahah.

ok did that ok good.

so yeah i can definitely feel something changing a little bit i guess.

it would have just been so nice to have a nice gurlfran i could cuddle with and occaisionally have secs with and go on dates with and go to the beach with and the lake and summer mini vacations and fall and walks in the park and evenings at home cuddling on couch watching tv and making out and buying each other presents and making each other mix cds and holding hands and saying i luv u and being with them for a year or two years and not having them dump you by 2-3 months and not arguing about how you really dont want them dating other people because isnt this a serious rel god damn it? and all that.

but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

yet she had experienced all that by age 18 or 19. many people do. women at least. not sure about young men. i am sure young men are on the whole a bit more lonely like myself. because men have more hard work to do re pulling women. this is of course because women are the choosers and you have to make yourself chooseworthy. but i guess i just dont like women choosing SO MANY men.

also she could have chosen me over the last loser guy she dated!

however i am also bitter about women choosing bigger winners than me……which is basically every man on linkedin ahahahahaha all the winners with their manager and senior level jobs and masters degrees and no gaps in employment and decent careers and their wives have decent careers in education, social work, human resources, or graphic design hahahahahahahahahahah. and i thought it was impossble to get jobs with these degrees. but these women do!

i gotta start hanging out with more losers and drug addicts and abusers hahahaha.

i thought she wanted temporary distance. well i naively hoped she wanted temporary distance. really she wanted permanent distance. thats rough. when somebody stops being interested in you. i mean even just in terms of friendship even. like when one of your friends just loses interest in you and you didnt lose interest in them. why dont they teach you how to handle this in school? that would be a valuable life lesson.

i should have never gone to a big Elite Top 30 University of the World because it was hard for sensitive widdle me to maintain any confidence. everyone there had 4.0 gpa in high school, everyone was a smart kid, so you saw how average or even dumb you were, when you were used to you being so much smarter than all the idiots in the wordl.

i should have just gone to commuinty college and maintained my confidence that i was smart.

and then gone to local university and hopefully maintained that confidence by taking erm STEM classes. mech or electrical engin, why not.

i was never BAD at math or science. science can suck a dick, i prefer math. i wish i had gone deep into math. being good at math probably gave me the most Academic Confidence. so i could have done all the way up to like Diff EQ’s at community college!

and most importantly, maintained confidence or at least ARROGANCE that i was Smarter Than All These Local Idiots.

I was wrong of course, but confidence or arrogance can be enough to get you through your engin degree and into a decent engin career entry level 20 DAHJ at age 21/22….which is more than i have ever had ever hahahaha.

and that positions you well to confidently bang a series of 21 year old qtz.

which then sets you up to talk to grills and pull an actually respectable gurl one day, that you can wife up, have churren, by then you are senior level or a damn manager, maybe have a masters of science degree and are making 30 DAH and can buy a house in a neighborhood that will not become a violent ghetto during your children’s lives!!!

took some nyquil at 7 pm hahahaha.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=she%20is%20losing%20interest%20in%20me

google she is losing interest in me

this is what happens as a prelude to the rel ending, and its always your fault 100% for not being fun or exciting enough!

funny the how to heal heartbreak articles were largely by women for women, and these articles are by men for men, often bordering on the pickup artist type. well i did request SHE is losing interest.

http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/10-ways-can-tell-shes-losing-interest

3. Seeing each other less and less
You were seeing each other a few times a week. Then it dwindled to twice a week. Now it’s once a week if you’re lucky.

People who want to be with you WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Remember that!

Great advice i say!

4. Avoids making plans with you
First, it’s seeing each other less and cancelling dates. Now she isn’t even attempting to make any more plans to see you. “We’ll see” and “I’ll call/text you” are common brush-offs, often given in lieu of an actual yes or no.

yep yep i know that feel!

anyway dont be a weak beta male and be interesting ahhaahha.

sex is the FIRST thing women do with you, then they get to know you and dump you if you arent super interesting ALL THE TIME.

anyway i dont think women should have secs with a man before really knowing him! call me old fashioned!

but yeah it just hurts when somebody loses interest in you!

nyquil has kicked in so i am just playing cards, cant write so much.

what do you do when she is LOSING INTEREST?

say we need to have a one on one talk baby, lets communicate.

and then she ignores you and never talks to you again hahahaha yeah id say shes lost interest.

so this is just the way women are right?

i dunno. some of them are. but i would think others would be mature enough to see that this is really unkind and sociopathic and that communication is a good thing, rather than just playing retarded games all the time, and making YOU learn and play the retarded games in order to get retards to be interested in you and want to hang out with you.

i have read a LOT of pick artist stuff because i am TOTALLY unsuccessful with women, and i think this is the target demo.

i dont really want to read any pickup artist stuff now though.

it just views women as the stupidest pieces of retarded shit, like disgusting evil stupid children.

but they are, arent they?

NAWALT!

my friendship with the woman began naturally as FOOK, as natural as ANYTHING. i didnt study or premeditate anything, it just happened slowly and naturally and beautifully. then, after a longass time, my feelings changed.

only then that stuff get stupid.

then theres thoughts of well if i had “USED GAME” i could have got her to like me.

i dont really worry about that though!

well at the beginning of muh feelings i did try to emphasize confidence and fun and alpha and charisma. i essentially DID use a little bit of game! or tried to.

and that didnt make her want to hang out.

and then she lost interest and i went crazy.

well it was more than just losing interest, cuz everything here is has the weight of 2 years of normal friendship behind it.

i dunno i think i do kind of like the idea of Being Friends First, because that seems natural, you really get to know and trust them, you dont have to force yourself to move too fast, you can honestly just be yourself, not force yourself to be someone youre not, everything seems natural, etc. i do like that. i just wish things had worked out differently.

mind is getting tired due to nyquil.

911

slept fairly well with the nyquil but “hangover” the next day unfort.

neediness, clinginess. what the fook. i am needy because i am in luv with u the idea of you losing all interest in me is very painful! women have faced this exact same thing before, with alpha males losing interest in THEM.

WOMEN HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING THAT THEY ARE PUTTING YOU THROUGH.

you’d THINK, then, that they would be able to EMPATHIZE better , and say, damn, ive been through that pain, i can SEE WHERE HE”S COMING FROM, AND, even more importantly,

I WOULDNT WANT TO INFLICT THE PAIN on some poor soul THAT HAD BEEN INFLICTED ON ME. THEN I’M AS BAD AS THAT ASSHOLE WHO HURT ME.

how come they dont realize that? or is this their weird way of getting “revenge” on the alpha who hurt them? to show “im as tough as you now?” very possible.

but i accept that women are different than men.

so does that mean all women are unreasonable cowards?

the worst thing is there werent any warning signs of her being a sociopath, prob because shes not a sociopath, she just treated me like a sociopath! the onyl “warning sign” was her becoming distant and losing interest in me. and refusing to hang out with me hahahaha.

also, ideas of RESPECT and HONOR and Courtesy matter a LOT more to men than they do to women. women just dont care about these things. Karma, Ethics.

out of all these, women are probably most likely to talk about KARMA, but they really dont CARE about karma except for the stuff that is being done TO them; they dont care if they are causing bad karma by being shitty to someone else. women are wayyyyyyy more SELFISH than men.

its ok to be selfish, everyone is selfish, but women take it to a whole new level, and hurt people with their extreme selfishness.

maybe this is just the difference between men and women.

women hurt others more than men do hhahahahahaha. just accept the difference and live with it.

i thought about contacting her and saying “DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH YOURE HURTING ME, do you even care”

but A, she would never read it, B, what good would that do, i would look like a butthurt weakling.

anyway the time to do that is when you are still talking. i know in email1 there was some good stuff, like i feel you are rejecting me, and that hurts me! and i want to fix our rel, i dont want to give up on it, we can do this, im not blaming you, im not mad at you, i am jsut worried about our rel, i am optimistic we can communicate and fix this, but we do need to communicate, and i cant handle you being distant permanently. i can take temporary distance plus please tell me its not permanent. although i did not confess my exact feelings yet. but she DID read this email, she TOLD me. but she never responded to any of the actual points/issues i mentioned. of course not! she just said i read it but nothing abotu what she thought about it. this is how obtuse she was. or wilfully obtuse to ME because she just wanted to be DONE already.

anyway i am finally starting to get some distance from her.

so when a gurl says she wants TIME and SPACE and DISTANCE, then give her TWO FULL MONTHS OF NO CONTACT.

not two WEEKS, but TWO MONTHS.

cuz they’ll never tell YOU how much time and space they want, they have no idea. they just make you the bad guy even though they are the ones not commuincating, being difficult and completely unreasonable and uncooperative, youre trying to meet them MORE than halfway but they refuse; shit you should just dump them right now because they probably want permanent not temporary distance.

but of course you are NEEDY because you LOVE them and feel them SLIPPING AWAY, and you NAIVELY think, oh yeah, ill give her some space, THEN SHELL RESPOND POSITIVELY, AND COME BACK. not likely!

i kinda did that but i was lucky if i lasted two weeks, let alone two MONTHS!

on the other hand, she is not an INFANT, she could open her big cocksucking mouth and say this is only temporary, or yes i will meet you halfway to talk about the elephant in the room. but noooooooooooooo.

but im expecting her to act like a MAN, women are different than men, women can only respond like emotional infants throwing a damn fit and acting like a damn baby.

hehehe.

so the natural differences between men and women, means that men can NEVER RESPECT women. It is Naturally, Physically IMPOSSIBLE for man to respect a woman.

well, “respect” is much more of a male concept anyway.

i dont care. i just dont care. i think men should be able to respect women, in other words, i think women are capable of living up to men’s standards of respect and not act like fooking selfish infants all their fooking lives. thats not a man or woman thing, thats a matter of being a mature adult. even a mature young adult knows the difference between right and wrong. you dont throw people away like that, and in any kind of relationship, whether its a Fook Rel or a Nonfooking Rel, you COMMUNICATE about MUTUAL problems/issues/elephants. god damn. get with the program.

I DONT ALWAYS FIND A WOMAN I WANT TO HAVE A SERIOUS REL WITH, BUT WHEN I DO, SHE BREAKS MUH HEART HORRIBLY & IT TAKES YEARS TO GET OVER IT

98

aw sheet. welp. go to shrink today. still obsessed with the damn woman. last night i grabbed the rosary again and waved it around my head, saying “PLEASE LORD ERASE HER FROM MY MEMORY”. cuz this is just ridiculous.

try to get muh 8.4 miles in today. or is it 8.6. 2.8 times 3 is….8.4 ok.

so i was not blameless, but what she did was at least two times worse than what i did. therefore, Culpability is split 66 33. doesnt look good for her.

she is basically the one that screwed it up. sabotaged it. i BEGGED her to meet me halfway and please try to not necessarily fix this, but dont hurt me so much. she staunchly refused. because its easier to do nothing than to even try to mitigate some of that hurt. so thats how much she cares for me, just lets me drown!

its just sad and painful that Modern Women let men stick their dicks in them and the women have no feelings for the men. not on my watch! i mean i dont blame the men. this is men’s nature. the men are not going against their nature. but i think the women ARE going against THEIR nature!

this WHOLE situation is just unbelievably retarded. my life has been turned upside down.

ok so she didnt do a 180 because she was already 90% checked out, so she just did the remaining 10%. it wasnt 100% all at once.

well it didnt feel like that to me! I didnt KNOW she was THAT much checked out! i didnt think she was possibly more than 50% checked out!!!! so thats why it felt like a 180 to me!

also, 180 or 10 or whatever, REGARDLESS of how she felt about me, I thought she was a BETTER PERSON than that. I thought I KNEW HER better. I can Know Her regardless of whether i know How Much she’s Checked Out on Me. I thought I KNew her, i thought she was a decent person who would never treat ANYBODY like this.

well i dont think she would treat just anybody like this. just me. or just guys in unrequited luv with her.

i think that is prob most likely. this is just how she treats guys who like her but who she doesnt like.

which, suprisingly, doesnt happen TERRIBLY often with her, compared to Average Young Women, who have 9000000000 Beta/Omega Orbiters in luv with them at any given moment!

sometimes the women just dont do anythign and just LET the guys be in luv with them. I imagine those guys probably eventually snap too.

but yeah it is like i was stabbed in the heart!

weird. i can do a LITTLE bit more and some of my most Overt Symptoms are improving, but i am still as Heartbroken as Forever, my heart is still not at rock bottom yet!

sooooo fooking retarded and stupid and i cant believe any of this shit even happened. still sort of in shock.

i sort of DO hope this eats her up and makes her feel horribly guilty!!!!! she SHOULD!!!! this is a horrible thing to do to a person!

well she will express her guilt and shame by fooking all sorts of guys she has no feelings for hahahaha. why not me hahahaha. i would have enjoyed 2 seconds of cuddling. or making out would have been very special to me. now she will let swarthy scumbags Aggressively ram their cox down her throat as she slobbers all over their cox. fooking disgusting and horrifying.

are u foking kidding! of COURSE i want her to “come to her senses” and say im sorry lets talk about this. but that is not gonna happen. and me contacting her is not gonna MAKE it happen, in fact it will make me look even more like a creepy bad guy. no thank you.

even though SHE is more the bad guy than me (66 33), she can still convince everyone she knows that I was the bad guy, because shes the woman and im the man. and the INSTANT i make her “feel uncomfortable” then she can treat me HORRIBLY because at that point ive crossed the line.

honestly though i can think of several sensible people she talks to, about 3 or 4 of them, and i would think that if she told them the full honest story, theyd tell her, dont you think youre being a little harsh to him, you should at least talk to him. so i think shes either not saying anything to them (oh were fine, were still friends, nothing happened) or she is twisting the truth (“he made me feel uncomfortable, so he is the bad guy and deserves no mercy whatsoever”)

(“FAT SHAMING IS A THING” shut the fook up fat bitch hahahaha go powerwalkjog 8 miles a day.)

i made her feel uncomfortable but NOT UNSAFE. there is a big difference.

when you have Issues in your relationship, it SHOULD be uncomfortable.

I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE TOO!!!!

thats why i wanted to talk about it. not to FIX it because it couldnt be fixed, but to be BE HONEST and RESPECTFUL and MATURE and have good KARMA and good COMMUNICATION and be RESPONSIBLE and DEAL WITH shit rather than AVOIDING and IGNORING shit.

come on.

maybe the mature acceptable thing is, when a friend gets feelings, youre just SUPPOSED to not talk to them ever again, and the idea of talking about the feelings, talking about the state of the relationship, is patently ridiculous, and no normal mature healthy adult would ever do this. maybe the right normal thing to do is to just ignore and avoid and not deal with it, but just throw it away like shit.

i cant believe that. because i am in so much pain and feel so slighted. i didnt want to “make her luv me.” i just wanted to TALK to her. and i am hurting a lot and she is hurting not nearly as much, and i think talking about it would have signif reduced my hurt, tho not eliminated it, but at least reduced it by 50%! and that would be great!

all she would have to do is talk abotu it. and by talk i mean responding to any of my 4 emails would have been respectable.

98 later

ok went the shrink.

what did we get out of it. shrink urged to accept that its over and try to move on. it will be painful and may take months and months and months. i said i know i shouldnt contact her and i probably wouldnt, but its still a daily struggle, and still i am tempted to.

shrink said she probably would not respond and i have to live with that, and probably should not contact.

i said well maybe i did deserve this because i made her feel uncomfortable, and men should never do that to women.

shrink said well communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

there was the issue of the woman kinda sorta implied that i was annoying her once back in like february. so i should have listened and stopped bugging her. and i think i did “behave” for a little while, for a few weeks.

but that was still just fooking avoidance. now i was the bad guy for wanting to communicate about an obvious problem.

AT THIS POINT YOU WRITE AN EMAIL AND OR BLURT IT OUT.

when the woman expresses annoyance at your efforts to communicate…………..

………….but you actually still have not communicated about the issue yet.

what the fook.

so shrink encouraged to do some positive self affirmations, look at self in the mirror and say i am a good worthwhile person, i am getting better day by day, i deserve love and kindness, i am getting over this, it is painful but i will get over it someday, today i am gonna choose to make it a good day, when i think of her, i will choose not to obsess about it, and treat myself with gentle loving kindness. i did not deserve to be treated that way. its over and i will get over it and move on.

i said well maybe i DO DESERVE it because i was being NEEDY and CLINGY and made her UNCOMFORTABLE.

but in my heart of hearts, do i really think i DESERVED this? of course not!

i wasnt pushing her to Be In Luv with me, i was pushing her to talk about our god damn problems and she kept avoiding it!

shrink said, interesting, to notice what we had problems commuincating about, and i could learn a lesson from that.

i said i agree 100%, interesting you mention that, becuase even while things were still “GOOD” a year ago, and we communicated pretty good, there were Things We Never Mentioned. Both I and She were too scared to mention them directly: like her new boifran. she wasnt gonna bring it up, and i wasnt gonna bring it up. i was too scared to bring it up and she SURE AS HELL wasnt gonna bring it up.

i should have just asked directly about her new boifran.

and then said, “WOW, IM SURPRISED. I didnt think youd be dating somebody SO SOON. lets TALK ABOUT THAT.”

and that would have made us comfortable with communication about Her Romantic Life, and would have ABSOLUTELY opened the door to me talking about my feelings about her.

“how do you feel about me? could you ever date a guy like me? have you ever developed feelings for a friend? do you think we could ever go out someday? we get along real well and we trust each other and i wonder if we should try that. especially if this guys a jerk and cheats on you.”

we could have had discussions like that, early on, and shit would have never built up the way it did.

so, those topics you dance around can end up having a fookin ripple effect a year later.

like youre afraid to talk about her boifrans directly…………then you will also have trouble facing the elephant in the room when YOU have feelings for her and want to be her boifran!

lesson learned: dont be afraid to commuincate with your female frend directly and EARLY about her Secsy Relationshits. USE THAT to open the door to talk about You And Her. even if you dont have feelings for her YET.

say, “I dont have feelings for you………YET.”

just be fooking honest!!!!!!! no need to make up stories!!!!!!!!!

say, “i dont have feelings for you……….yet. but in the past i have developed feelings for my female friend after 2 years of planktonic frenship. also, sometimes i think its weird that i dont have feelings for you, BECAUSE: we get along really well; we commuincate well; we respect each other; we like each other; i am a tender sentimental cuddly guy who could theoretically provide the Affection you like; also you are not hard on the eyes! even if im not in luv withyou and dont jerk off thinking about you………..yet, i can appreciate you are a good looking woman. so yeah, given all this, 50% chance i could develop feelings for you within 3 months, and i think we should revisit this conversation regularly, and we should both think about that regularly. rather than you secretly dating scumbag shady sleazy guys who treat you bad. i would treat you a lot better.”

BAM. perfect conversation. say that as SOON as she Breaks Up with her Long Term Boifran. at the latest, as SOON as you even THINK she is dating someone new.

talk about the elephant. talk about her relationships. shit talk about YOUR relationships! talk about yours and hers relationship!

the pick up artists say dont “just be yourself”, becuase bitches dont like your beta pussy unmasculine self.

i say just be your damn self but dont let yourself be walked on and crapped on, be assertive, and be honest.

i remember one day at the job complaining to my male friend, who gave me way better moral AND technical support than my female former friend, and i said god damn this is crazy, this chaos and confusion, i hate not knowing what to say to these people becuase i dont really know whats going on, and having to come up with some bullshit story so it sounds like i know what im doing, but i dont, ive never seen this before……….

and he said, well why dont you just be honest and tell them the truth, tell them, “I DONT KNOW.”

I smiled at him and said thats why i like you so much bruh, because you keep it THAT real. i wish i COULD do that. i would like to be more like you and be able to say that with no shame. because why the fook should we know EVERYTHING. our leaders dont know a damn thing. nobody knows anything. ask 10 leaders, get 10 different answers. yet they refuse to talk to people, they make US talk to people and put us between a rock and a hard place. and i would be so happy to just cut out the bullshit and say, I DONT KNOW.

but i was TOO INSECURE to do that. my male friend was/is much more secure. but me and him connected instantly and he also didnt mind that i was hella insecure, WELL, i dont go telling it from the mountain either! IMMMM INSECUREEEEEE fook that i dont do that, i know better.

shrink also recommended listening to something positive like dr wayne dyer, who just died recently. oh i didnt know that, i said, thats too bad. i have appreciated most of his stuff ive seen.

cuz i listen to MRA right wing MGTOW antimarxist stuff, and pro-marxists like to accuse us of being HATEFUL HATERS spewing POISON, and SOME of the MGTOW types are borderline woman haters. but not all. i really only listen to two guys, millennial woes and bernard chapin. i might be identifying myself here.

so i thought, well “woesy” i dont think is hateful, and i dont think UNCLE BERN is hateful, but The Bern’s enemies say he is a hateful woman hater.

I do wish Uncle Bern would find himself a nice woman someday, because he would be a great Father I think, and I would like to see him have 3 kids.

anyway i dont know if he’s “given up” on women or not. he seems to be very happy without them. i have not reached that point yet. i will always desire a Loving Intimate Longterm Monogamous Relationship with a Woman. (I have to specify all those things hahahaah)

that is a pretty serious thing which i dont take lightly, so its not often i find a woman I WANT to have that kidn of serious rel with.

BUT WHEN I DO, THEY DUMP ME IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY AND IT TAKES YEARS TO GET OVER IT!

when some b dumps you for being too needy, tell her

“HUMAN BEINGS NEED LUV! HUMAN BEINGS NEED INTIMATE RELATIONSHITS, YA STUPID BITCH!”

really the point she is TRYING to make, but is too DIM to ARTICULATE it, is that she doesnt want you to Need Luv with HER. youve got to force them to Empathize by starting from a Narcissistic Start Point:

“Put yourself in my shoes, baby. Think of yourself. think of time when you NEEDED that big badboy brute, but he didnt need you back. how did that make you feeeeeeeeeel? well thats what youre doing to me. so if im too needy, YOURE TOO NEEDY TOO, YOU FOOKING CHILD. DONT BE FACILE.”

Real “Neediness” is more like “CODEPENDENCY” where you cant LIVE without the person and are texting them HUNDREDS of times a day, see them EVERY day, have to talk to them on the phone every day for 2 hours before bed.

jeez. i wish i could have talked to her for just ONE HOUR, ONCE. that would have been all i needed to tell her all i wanted to tell her.

ok i did not deserve this because

  1. i was not a random stranger
  2. i knew her for over 2 years
  3. we used to be friends and had a good strong history
  4. i was not abusing her
  5. i migth have been making her feel uncomfrotable but i was not making her feel UNSAFE
  6. i was feeling uncomfortable too, because there was a HUGE ELEPHANT in the room that she avoided talking about at EVERY opportunity and REFUSED to talk to me about whenever I tried to talk about it
  7. i wasnt ABUSING her, even emotional abuse
  8. i wasnt trying to make her Luv me, i just wanted to Talk About Our Relationship.

so yeah its very important that i convince myself i did not deserve this.

oh hey one of my favorite Active Metal Bands has a brand new album out, now that is a good day. better than some broad who treats you with no respect.

it doesnt matter if it was unintentional. she has had MORE than enough time to come to her senses and god damn apologize and try to improve karma. she has not. that might well mean it IS intentional, and she has doubled down and thinks she is right. so fookin stupid. she was smarter than that. she can do better than that. she is a decent person. so stupid that the first time in her life she does something really shitty……………………….guess who is on the receiving end of it.

she honestly thinks i ABUSED her?

the stupid thing is, she’s honestly had guys treat her worse! like cheat on her! and take their luv away from her! and she desperately tried to communicate with them! yet she never responded when i tried to communicate with her! but she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me, thats the difference. well fook that. i knew she wasnt in luvvvvvv with me but i thought she respected me as a god damn human being. fooking abandoned me.

well won a shit load of money at the poker table today. last week i had my biggest loss day ever, today i had muh biggest win day ever. all in with AA and sucked two others in, stack went from like 3.70 to 10. holy shit. earlier in the day i had muh stack go from 4 to 5.

max buyin is 4, i always start with 4. that is like 4 quarters. one dollar. 1 chip is 1 mBTC wich is .001 BTC which is about 23 cents.

7 quarters. 23 cents. 1.61 of real money i won today hahahaha.

yeah did 3 2.8 milers, got muh 8.4 miles in today. had to. its the best way i can get thru day by day.

what does she want to FIX these guys? she could have FIXED me! theres plenty about me that needs to be fixed, and a decent longterm monog rel would have fixed it too! she would have seen some results of her fixing! but nooooooooo.

so just tell bitches with a smug smirk that you need to be FIXED, and then they will let you impregnate them within 5 minutes.

HEY ITS YOUR UTERUS, IM NOT THE ONE WHO CAN GET PREGGERS / DISABUSED OF THE DELUSION / NEVER TRUST KIND EYES / WHAT A WORLD

97

shit. well if im gonna hate women i migth as well go all in and try to get it out of my system. its not liek i am gonna go be violent or abusive. i might have casual sex with a willing woman however and then refuse to date her monogamously hahahahahaha hey its her uterus, im not the one who can get preggers, she can always get an abortion hahahahahaha

god damn. having somethign good and then losing it. we didnt have the entirety of what i wanted, but we did have a good friendship, and it hurts a lot “just” to lose THAT. i cant believe it doesnt hurt her too.

i am not angry at her, well i wasnt till very recently, and she was angry at me.

thats a tough situation, when one person is angry. and the not angry person is begging and supplicating the angry person for mercy. stupid.

what did i do? cheat on her and now im in the “doghouse” and have to beg for mercy?

no, i was a friend who got feelings.

well whats better, when they Allow You to Still Be Graced by their presence even after youve got feelings?

well i argue theres a happy medium of they can say something or respond somehow to the feelings.

but she did respond to the feelings, nonverbally.

fooking women and their nonverbal bullshit. so stupid.

verbalizing shit makes people hate you less.

nonverbalizing it makes them hate you more and causes more hate and grief and drama in the world.

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

very simple. even WOMEN could understand THAT verbalization!!!!!!!!

verbalizing is GOOD karma.

nonverbalizing is BAD karma.

just for good measure.

well i had the good karma and she had the fooking shitty ass karma.

men are good karma.

women are bad karma hahahahaha.

men are dogs, women are cats.

thats why women have all these stupid cats and are obsessed with their god damn EVIL SOCIOPATH cats, because women are evil sociopaths.

GOD FORBID i ever become such an EVIL SOCIOPATH.

shit i EXPECTED this sort of bullshit out of average normal degenerate dumb women but NOT HER. i thought we was different. she WAS different at one time. then she changed.

i changed, she changed.

i changed from liking her to like liking her, she changed from liking me to hating me. i think that was a bit out of proportion.  and she changed from good to evil hahahaha.

unfookingbelievable.

i did not know this awful person she became.

i never thought she could do something so cold to me. i trusted her and i thought she thought more of me As A Living Human Being than that. Regardless of how Fight Or Flight, or Avoidance oriented she is.

well, i guess that is not irrelevant. you can still care about a person, but treat them like you dont care at all, because of Avoidance????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i dunno.

also, when you BLOCK somebody, it means you are ANGRY at them.

but does it?

it can also mean you are AVOIDING them.

i cant even say if shes angry at me or not! all i can say is that she is AVOIDING me!

shit.

well i said in all the emails that “my door is always open”. but she prob didnt read these emails. the most beautiful emails ever written, the most beautiful thing ever verbalized from one person to another in all of human history. because women dont like writing, talking, or verbalizing. god damn stupid bitches! how can you hate VERBALIZING!

WHY WOULD YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE CONFUSING AND UNCERTAIN ALL THE TIME?

CONFUSION/AMBIGUITY IS NATURALLY STRESSFUL FOR ALL HUMANS, MEN AND WOMEN!

hehehe might be time for another 2.8 miler. you see why i do those.

but yeah i….. could not be cool enough to do the Pretend Like I Dont Like Her Gambit to try to Win Her Back. that just feels like a bad idea on gut level.

unless i had cooled off to the point where i didnt like her any more.

cuz its terrible to meet them again after a few months, still want them more than ever, all the feelings come back, they might get guilted into having secs with you because, then your hopes get even higher, feels get even higher, but deep down, they are still cold against you and dont have feelings for you at all.

learned that from woman2004 and woman2005a! in both cases i tried to “get back with them” and it of course backfired in just that way.

really dont want to repeat THAT mistake!

and i never did. course i had never been that close to a woman from 2006 to like 2015!

heh. CLOSE TO a woman. a CLOSE CONNECTION.

you can know a woman for 2 years and have less of a connection with her, than guys she met 2 HOURS ago. un fooking believable how gullible and stupid and self destructive women are. its amazing they even exist. maybe they should be locked up like handmaids tale brood mares and have men control their Reproduction, becuase they obviously make the SHITTIEST REPRODUCTIVE DECISIONS!!!!!

like a BABY WITH A GUN.

they are not INTELLIGENT enough to handle the RESPONSIBILITY that they are BORN WITH!

how does THAT happen?

shitty degenerate culture, no father figures, public skools, tv, media, horrible friends, i know i know.

so on some “metrics” i am Getting Better, but in terms of beign OBSESSED with how could she do this, i cant believe this could happen, i am just as bad as ever.

she did this because she is just avoiding the situation, and nothing i can do can make her STOP avoiding the situation. serenity to accept the things i cant control.

and even if i could control her responding to me, i couldnt MAKE her like me.

heh. ok might need to do another 2.8er here, go for the 8.4 day today.

ok did a 2.2 er but will do another 2.8er later.

shit. you cant MAKE somebody stop avoiding you.

i liked her because she was not CRAZY the way so many women are CRAZY.

but then she went and was CRAZY TO ME and me alone.

holy shit i will never luv another person again.

well thats not true, i luv all the poor lazy losers out there.

but loving a woman in that special, long term, monogamous, baby making way?

NEVER AGAIN. MY HEART IS PERMANENTLY BROKEN.

DIED OF A BROKEN HEART it will say on my tombstone. hahahaha. no jk i wont DIE but muh life will never be the same.

but maybe thats GOOD!!!!

well its good in some ways. i GUESS its good to be out of that horrible job envronment. its GOOD to be DISABUSED of the DELUSION that there is a Living Relationship between me and THAT WOMAN.

it is good that i am Exercising moar. i think 8.4 miles a day is gonna be absolutely mandatory.

so lets say you are at planet fatness in the winter fighting for a treadmill between all the fat single mom hambeasts and the fat stinking arabs hahahahaha, and you have to go to the bathroom. or you because you have to walkjog for a full 150 minutes 7 days a week in order to lose 1 pound per month, you just want to go to the bathroom or rest for a few minutes because normally you would break this up, into 3 damn 50 minute sessions.

so is there some way you can save your treadmill for x minutes? would they let you rest for like 15 minutes and then come back? i was under the impression that everybody is fighting for a god damn treadmill after 4 or 5 pm.

anyway. it didnt have to be this way. woman2015 should take fookin NOTES from woman2012, who handled it a SHITLOAD better by writing one god damn email, which gave her untold great karma over woman2015. ONE EMAIL GOES SUCH A LONG WAY. it wasnt even a LONG email. it was like one decent paragraph. I wrote like 100 decent paragraphs in my series of emails to woman2015.

what did woman2012 say? exactly what you would expect: im sorry, i just dont have those feelings for you, youre still a great person, i dont want to hurt you, its been nice knowing you, sorry to let you down. and i responded saying thank you for being honest with me, that is so much better than what MOST WOMEN do, being lying bitches and spineless cowardly chickenshits hahahaha no i didnt say that. but i said thank you for treating me with the respect to give it to me directly.

and that was it. done. i wasnt JUMPING FOR JOY, but i was never super angry or hateful or bitter towards her. she handled it like a damn MAN hahahaha. verbalized it directly and unambiguously. of COURSE most women wouldnt do that. they just dont COMMUNICATE like that! well i wondered about her gender identity anyway, she was kind of mannish. asexual virgin lesbian or potential female to male transsexual hahahaha. not even really kidding. but she still had a nice body and A Kind Face hahahaha. Kind Eyes.

well so did woman2015!!!!!

DONT TRUST KIND EYES.

NEVER TRUST KIND EYES.

Learning some Great Life Lessons thru the Beauty of Intimate Relationships With Women!

It really PAYS OFF to get CLOSE to people hahahaha.

GREAT LIFE LESSONS hahaha.

no i am entering a blatantly angry phase right now. that is fine. no problem mon.

i cant believe that fooking cvnt, i trusted her, i LOVED her!!!!!!!!!! and she broke muh heart mercilessly, and it will remain broken and useless for like a damn year of my life! my precious time!!!!! why have we even evolved the capacity to LOVE??!?!?!

oh wait i know the answer of course. its a K-selected thing in colder climates, to encourage nuclear families, high investment parenting.

but our Culture, since the Rise Of Cultural Marxism, is ecnouraging r-selection over K-selection.

meaning, you have Broods Of Babbys like they do in the Bush and go for QUANTITY over QUALITY. while K selection is QUALITY over QUANTITY.

so have lots of secs, have lots of babbys, or lots of abortionz, whatever you want, if it feels good, do it, short term instant gratification, no consequences, no commitment.

bitcoin poker note: u get krill even if u FOLD immed & never bet! assuming theres rake. about .1 krill for .01 rake. need .40 pot, never happens at .01 table, much more at .02 tho. just sitting at the table gets u krill!!

(krill is the rewards/promotions system for Loyal Playerz like moi. But the trick is, you get barely any krill playing at the .01/.02 table, and WAY more krill playing at the .02/.04 table, because at that higher table, you get way more pots that are .40 and above! which is necessary for a rake, which is then necessary for krill. ANYWAY you dont even have to BET, you can get crap cards and fold them immediately, and if theres a rake, you will get krill!)

now, is krill REALLY important is another question.

ok i gotta go back out there. 2.8 miler ftw.

ok did that. didnt really get woman out of mind. thought about how i would never want anybody but her. that we would make The Perfect Couple. that i really should contact her in like 3 months.

but yeah. i would still have feelings, and she would probably have less feelings, and what happens when one person has less feelings and the other person has blatantly more? they dump you within 2 months.

unless its the woman who has more feelings. then that will continue as long as the man wants.

if the man has more feelings, it will continue as long as the woman wants. which will prob be 1 to 2 months, no more, becuase she will always have a Cast Of Suitors on Deck. makes you feel real special to be Auditioned among a Sea of So Many Applicants!

7.8 miles today. i got cut short a bit.

god damn. women are such fooking BULLSHIT. youre a moron if you DONT hate them!!!!!!!!

well im back to wanting a Harem of 90000 18 year old qts just to have secs with. fook this INTIMACY with WOMEN.

well let me make a point. I believe: THE MORE MONOGAMOUS, THE MORE INTIMATE, because you aren’t SHARING your intimacy with addditional people.

so ideal intimacy is inherently monogamous.

i say this to all the women who want to date 10000000 men and have all their sperm swimming around in their uteral gateway ie Dem Beef Curtainz they gleefully spread for the cameras and for the cox.

fooking PIGS. it used to be a very respectable thing to be a wife and mother. be a virgin gurl who married young and started having babbys young. it didnt mean there was abuse and beatings and raep and shit.

i just want a nice gurl who isnt a fooking disgusting degenerate pig! is that too much to ask!

of course it is hahahaha. and the recent woman was not a degen pig but she STILL treated me like crap. out of character no less. low odds. unbelievable.

so i would prefer a degen pig who treats me GOOD then?

well the crucial factor is that i LUV the woman. and its not likely i would LUV a degen pig. i already did, i thought that was a lesson learned then, that i got my pig screen working.

oh thats another thing.

NEVER TRUST A WOMAN ON THE PILL.

it makes them even MORE crazy, makes them even MORE slutty, lowers their already low sense of screening, makes them have secs with ANYONE. makes them more prone to cheat, makes them hornier, makes them like a “bat with broken radar, bumping into everything and everyone” to quote MUH BOY Varg Vikernes.

I approve of his Traditional Life, Traditional Wife, Traditional Children, Traditional Homeschool and Homesteading Life.

of course i would side with a “Vile Racist Neo Nazi Anti Semite” right?

ikr.

tbh yes lol heil hitler 1488.

that is bitches idea of verbal communication. everthing is sarcasm, or a stupid joke, or  misses the point, or its like youre talking to a wall, or an infant. they cant think in more than 2 sentences. thats why they like texting so much. verbal communication is not something they like or are good at.

and this is how they Build Sexual Relationships and Choose the men who will Father their children and fill up our world with even more degenerate Human Garbage!

what a world!

that was a saying i used a lot on an old blog, but it is more relevant now than ever!

bitches and whores.

put this in the top shelf book, this is a top 10% post hahahaha.

heh. was “supposed” to have some nyquil today but i totally forgot about it. now it is kinda late to take the nyquil cuz i like to take it around 6 or 7 at the latest.

so if texting is verbal communication, why do women like texting so much?

becuase it allows them to bring verbal communication DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL of shitty nonverbal communication. they take the verbal and ruin in and pervert it and make it into ambiguous, confusing nonsense. CHAOS REIGNS. anything to make chaos of out order, when MEN want to make ORDER OUT OF CHAOS.

no wonder men and women are natural enemies!

but Healthy people dont have such an ADVERSARIAL relationship with the opposite gender. its because i was raised with Traditional Gender Roles and Gender Pronouns and not ze, zir, zhe, and xyr.

any 18 year old will know i am not making this bullshit up.

YOU CANT BULLSHIT THE BULLSHITTER!

but i am really not THAT good at bullshitting either. otherwise i could sell myself better to jobs and women and have more success in that department.

i can bullshit OK, SOMETIMES. but not super good, all the time.

some good, some of the time.

goddam bitches can suck mah dick, bitches.

yeah at this point, gotta do 8.4 miles every day.

praying to GOD a little bit just to get her out of my mind. this is ridiculous. this can never happen again. the crux was working together. if we didnt work together

  1. the tension would have not built to such a point, ie we would have been more likely to communicate, and not gotten so goddam weird and ridiculous with me seeing her every day
  2. i would be able to keep the job
  3. i could use the job to distract me, rather than be distracted FROM my job, to the peril of my work performance!!!!!

now i cant even remember the good times anymore, cuz it all ended in such SHIT. its like its two different PEOPLE.

the pain is UNBEARABLE and UNRELENTING and MERCILESS. how can you NOT be changed?

but thank GOD i guess i am doing a little better. it really doesnt feel like it though. thank GOD i have a home.

well she can go have a bunch of bastard trash kids and i will laugh bitterly because she could have know True Love rather than being Fooked like a Cvmdumpster Whore. but if she thinks i am gonna be CAPTAIN SAVE A HO after she’s whored it up for a few years, shes got another thing coming.

so its a red flag of an abuser when a man uses words like “bitches” and “whores” and “sluts”. bla bla bla. i dont really use these words when talking to women unless i am joking. or trying to test them to screen them for sluttiness, to make sure they disapprove of sluttish behavior. you do not want to have a monog longterm rel with a SLUT.

type of woman that give Blowjobs to Guys In Cars.

it is sad to think she might be going down that path. so sad to see a good woman TURN bad. it breaks your heart all over again!

bitches and whores. the ones that arent disgusting whores will break your heart 10 times WORSE. i dont think i oculd get my heart broken by a whore because i would never fall in LUV with a whore again! havent in at LEAST 6 years when i got some feelings for a whore, but i wouldnt quite call it full blown Luv. she continues to pile up the cox even as she gets older, uglier, closer to The Wall. good fookin riddance whore hahahaha.

i can just repeat the same bullshit over and over again, like i cant believe SHE would do this. i thought i KNEW her. i TRUSTED her not to do something so heartless. especially to me. i thought our friendship well it did not entitle me to secs or to romantic luv, but i beleive it DID entitle me to RESPECT and COMMUNICATION and a Seat At The Table To TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.  OH NO THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK. god damn.

maybe it is. maybe people can do whatever they want.

well then i reserve the right to have Muh Feelings Hurt when somebody HURTS me!!!!!!! shit.

MEN VERBAL WOMEN NONVERBAL / BABY WITH A GUN

97

i CANT APOLOGIZE ANY MORE. i have apologized literally the max a human can apologize. i apologized literally every time i talked to her and emailed her. she’s not “waiting for an apology.” if anything IM waiting for an apology from HER! what, me apologize for apologizing too much? I think i already DID that too!

its like i’m hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff and she’s standing right there. she can easily grab my hand which is reaching out to her, please save me, but she just watches the rocks crumble away and me eventually fall to my doom.

or i am drowning and she is standing right there on the boat with tons of life preservers. i am screaming please halp meeeee and she can easily throw one out but she chooses not to , and to WATCH ME DROWN instead.

these are veyr good metaphors / images for what happened.

and I should be apologizing? i dont think so! She should be apologizing for letting me drown!

of course i was thinking, well i should contact her AGAIN, because she is just apprehensive or lazy or doesnt have the courage, and she is just waiting for me to contact her again, she’s ready now.

well if she were READY she would contact ME!!!!!!!!

also when people are in the WRONG, they very often DOUBLE DOWN and never come to their senses! and remain convinced for the rest of their lives that they were right. this is very very common. i might be doing it to convince myself that i am right and she is wrong hahahaha

also it is very very common for people to AVOID shit. thats ALL this is basically is her totally AVOIDING a situation entirely. avoid avoid avoid.

and can i make her not avoid, by popping up every so often?

she obviously doesnt want a Rel with me. she was Detaching from me for a long time. that was HER signal. she said, o god, he likes me, no thank you, i am done with this, but i am too cowardly to tell him and talk to him about it.

yeah i just didnt think she was THAT cowardly though, i thought she was strong.

and yeah it hurts to have someone care about you, then they start withdrawing that care.

at least when someone DIES, you know they cared about you to the living end!

but she gradually made herself stop caring about me ever since she Discerned that I Liked Her!

and i certainly didnt start making myself try to stop caring about her! until recently!

good good let the hate flow thru u hahahaha

fookin bitches hahahaha

never put them ON A PEDESTAL and think oh they wouldnt do that, or they’re different, not all women are like that, shes different, she has morals, she has integrity, i can trust her, she cares about doing the right thing, she treats her relationships seriously, shes emotionally mature, bla bla bla bullshit.

men like to communicate directly, with words and conversations and emails and speaking and talking and writing, to eliminate ambiguity and confusion, to get everybody on the same page, make sure everybody understands.

women like to “communicate” using bullshit ambiguous signals, so that everybody is confused, and will intensely avoid/ignore any attempts to make it less confusing or less ambiguous. they want everybody to be confused, and not be on the same page, and hate each other forever. anything that involves words or writing or talking or anything VERBAL, they will avoid like the PLAGUE.

men verbal, women nonverbal. all the damn time.

and men have to learn the nonverbal language, but women never have to learn the verbal language because…………

women are the choosers. women have a uterus. women can get pregnant. even though many of them dont realize this.

and i am technically not butthurt about them being the choosers, or that men have to do all the Heavy Lifting and jumping through hoops.

except some men dont jump through hoops at all. Alpha Men are essentially Choosers of Women!

so, women use their power as Choosers of Men, to choose tons of Casual Sex, WITHOUT respecting and understanding the Power Of Pregnancy which gives them the POWER to be Choosers!

Yep thats about the strength of it. its like a BABY with a GUN.

Great Power with great IGNORANCE of the great responsibility attached!!!!

dumb bitches hahahaha.

also i can be nonverbal enough, i have learned THEIR language well enough, and sort of accept begrudgingly that they will never learn Mine, even though any smart person would agree that Direct Verbal communication is Better for the Greater Good of Humanity!!!! but women would rather everyone hate each other forever because of confusion and miscommunication, because DRAMA IS EXCITING!!!!!! and EXCITEMENT is the greatest thing in life.

MEN ARE LOYAL LIKE DOGS, WOMEN ARE LOYAL LIKE CATS.

thats why men generally prefer warm, loving, loyal, true, good dogs…..

…….and women generally prefer disloyal, cold, bitchy, traitorous, unloving, untrustworthy, horrible, evil, sociopath cats.

woman hating much?

trust me when women get rejected by a MAN, they become MUCH more man hating.

but thats only because they dont get rejected by men as much!

ummmm ok.

well my womanhate is not remarkably above average for men who were dumped in godawfully harsh ways like cheating or Ghosting hahahaha.

it can ONLY benefit you to bang a woman, any woman, as soon as possible.

shit i should have tried to bang her even when she was with her old longterm boifran, back when i was not into her. should have just forced myself to be into her. hint, its not that hard to FORCE yourself when the gurl is young and not fat and has no kids. even if there are little things about her that you initially find weird. like or her face is weird and her Buttocks are weird.

when when you are Deep In It, you will no longer find her Face or Buttocks so damn weird!!!!!!!!! you will say DAAAAAAMN how could i ever find those things weird? she is HAWT as FOOK!!!!!!

a kind of pedestal i guess.

i was thinking it might ALWAYS be to your benefit that if a woman asks you about your love life, say you are “dating a few people but nothing serious” and smirk like a man who gets secs from a variety of wimmin whenever he wants, but cant find someone who meets his standards well enough to commit to monogamously.

of course it would be to your benefit!

unless you come across that one remaining traditional woman unicorn who thinks men dating several women is distasteful, just like women dating several women is distasteful!

and then shrug say oh well just having fun hey its not like Im the one who can get preggers!

and then say well if they get preggers, just get a god dam abortion bitch! hahaha its not like we live in iran! roe vs wade bitch! merika! muh rightz will not be abridged! wimminz right 2 chooze! wimmin r da choozerz!

not my problem! just a parasite that can be easily dealt with!

but maybe i should man up and contact her simply saying you are being ridiculous, stop being ridiculous and lets just hang out and make up already.

and then she will say ok i was waiting for you to MAN UP and say that and BE A MAN. that was my SHIT TEST.

also i might be “getting better” because i am not reading those fooking EMAILS every day over and over like i used to. the emails 1 thru 4 that i wrote her. i havent looked at  a one of them in weeks. so i guess that is a good sign.

i just cant believe she could do this to me.

why not. its just AVOIDANCE and avoidance is SO common because its the easy way out. I avoid and procrastinate and ignore shit ALL THE TIME. so do tons of people. and here she is avoiding me.

i mean i could send a brief thing “hi there just seein how ur doin ”

and see if that gets any response.

“wanna go to dinner get caught up”

that kind of thing.

well of COURSE i would have an ulterior motive to get her back!

i tried this in 2004/5 with woman2. (woman2004).

she kind of ignored me and i was real butthurt about that cuz we were actually fooking at the time and then she just disappeared, real sketchy. i was RIGHTFULLY angry about being ignored. i said fook her im not talking to that bitch ever again, i heard gossip she had been seen with other guys, she was the type with 900000 male friends, never trustworthy!

then 3 months later i thought i would Reach Out because it still felt like Unfinished Business, and i wanted a Fair Shake.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

I did get in touch with her, we started hanging out and making out again, i certainly could have banged her but i didnt, like an idiot. i certainly should have!

but by this time she was distanced from me, liked me less than before, and had even less interest in dating me, and opened “dated” other guys during that time and showed no interest in dating me, we would just make out and cuddle and she would have let me bang her if i were masculine enough!

so yeah she basically had LESS interest and feelings for me than before.

MY feelings were rekindled, her feelings were not really anything. less than before.

so then there was NEW pain, to get my hopes up; and also see that she was less interested than before. why couldnt i make her interested again?  because i wasnt masculine enough? i was 22 years old and had no experience with women, she was it.

so i could see a similar thing happening here. me get back in contact with woman2015, “chill hanging out”, i would get my hopes up without a doubt, and she would be cool as a cucumber the whole time, saying yeah im dating a couple guys, nothing serious, just secs, i can always get an abortion if i need, but im not gonna ever want to date you, i have even less feelings for you than i do for these random guys i met a few weeks/months ago.

so yeah that would be ripping an old wound open, making it fresh again, and pouring salt on it.

when you see someone who USED to like you, and then they are just cold as shit to you. that is VERY painful. women dont understand this hahahahaha. cold evil sociopath bitches. hahahaha.

better to be ANGRY and hateful and other-loathing, rather than sad and self-loathing!

also i am generally finding it easier to get out of bed, go powerwalking, than i did near the beginning, so that must be a good sign.

i just wish i were losing more weight with all this powerwalkjogging. i am losing no weight and doing a TON of powerwalkjogging.

tons of input, no output.

it just sucks that somebody i used to be so close to, that i used to trust, that i liked, that used to at least like me on some level, can now hate me, and hurt me so much, and i didnt even DO anything horribly wrong.

welcome to the real world hahahaha.

besides she was pulling away and being cold for months. the 180 was really more just an 18 or so. i just didnt want to see it.

i mean i can understand not having FEELINGS in return for me. but she definitely used to Like Me as a Friend, and i expected that because of that, that if it needed to end, it would end a lot better.

i was TRYING to make in end better, in my typically masculine way of direct communication, lets be verbal about it so we minimize the hurt feelings.

but nooooooooo.

well i was “being masculine” in a very unmasculine way, always supplicating and apologizing. bad call.

ok placed 15th out of like 57 people in this tournament and got nothing but shitty hands, i think i won one small pot. certainly had no good chance to “double up.”

but yeah. i will be the better person because I will never hurt someone else like she has hurt me!

way to abandon me bitch!

it really hurts and is painful to be abandoned like that.

ok out of the stupid freeroll tournament, time for first 2.8 miler of the day hahaha.

I CANT BELIEVE IT

824

shit. i cant believe it. i cant handle this. the woman i liked the MOST, above all others, and this wasnt a snap judgment, it was after Knowing her for two years, turns out to be a huge disappointment.

i alternate between kinda sorta starting to 5% get over it, back to 0% bad as i ever was. migth be because her birthday is coming up. that is not gonna be fun. but when did she remember MY birthday? NEVER.

i just hate how they can make YOU the bad guy even when THEY are the bad guy. So it makes sense, that’s exactly WHY they make you the bad guy.

my world world is shattered though. cuz most women give you warning signs right away. i didnt really get any warning signs from her. well, not until about 1 year ago when she starting dating a sleazebag guy very soon after the end of a long term rel. that was the first time i was really surprised. and i guess things didnt really get better after that. that ended badly, i guess she could have started slutting it up, but she didn’t, she was just cold as ice to me, she may well get around to slutting it up in the near future though. stupid.

i cant believe it. it went so wrong it is ridiculous. everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

i guess i could have stuck around the job and then confronted her in person. said “we have to talk NOW.” then she probably would have said “get away from me, i dont want to talk to you” or “theres nothing to talk about, stay away from me, we’re done” or something like that. and i wouldnt have handled that all too well either!

i am just kinda butthurt about the job though too.

i thought about going back but obviously she is gonna be trouble for me. i know we would not “figure things out.” she would continue to be cold to me and i would get angry seeing her being nice and making friends with everybody else, knowing we had been friends before.

she thinks I threw the friendship away because I got feelings, I think SHE threw the friendship away because she refused to communicate at all. whatsoever. and I think my analysis is more correct.

however she thinks I am 100% to blame. maybe. I am not so immature that i can say i am blameless.  i was too pushy and not direct enough. but I am only maximum 40% blame.

fook. i mean yeah this is really dead horse beating shit now.

oh well. i guess better to learn a shitty lesson than nothing. like she learned. she learned nothing. shes gonna continue being a horrible communicator and choosing horrible men. it is a MIRACLE she does not have any babies yet. I’m sure she will soon if she continues down this path. single mother having babies with deadbeat scumbags, or just having short term rels with a bunch of deadbeat scumbags and be incapable of ever having a long term rel like she did when she was YOUNG, when i first met her. i actually wanted her to figure shit out with that guy. however it sounds like HE was too stubborn. she wanted to fix it, he didn’t, he dumped HER. which may be another reason why i was so surprised that she didnt even TRY to fix things with me. she just dumped me in the worst possible way. i mean thats HORRIBLE karma for her.

because its good karma for me to rejoice about her horrible karma hahahaha.

hey i am devastated here, my life is completely destroyed. this wasnt just true luv, it was my Career.

but maybe i subconsciously did that to Sabotage myself, and to make her My Worst Nemesis Ever, so I’d be able to Blame Her for Ruining My Life. hahahahaha.

well i repeat. i would have not quit the job if ANY of the following were true:

  1. it were an easier job
  2. it were a senior level, non entry level job
  3. if it were not the shittiest stupidest most stressful job ever
  4. if there were different rooms and we could have worked in different rooms

so i kinda wanted to leave and she gave me an excuse to leave even sooner. i was thinking about leaving in december anyway with no job lined up!

i was also thinking she would contact me and be like is everything all right? whyd you leave the job? i hope your anxiety gets better and you can come back! Let’s COMMUNICATE about our problems so theres no awkwardness when you come back, because i want you to come back!

nope, nothing of the sort. i obviously am such a piece of shit i dont deserve to be communicated with. like the guy who CHEATED on her!

but i thought you could have secs with whoever you want whenever you want! thats what a relationship is!

well, if i had ever BEEN in a relationship, I would know that people in a relationship COMMUNICATE and have CONVERSATIONS like “how serious are we? where is this going? is this an exclusive relationship? am i allowed to cheat? are you? what do you want out of this rel? what are we?”

HA she almost certainly communicated with the CHEATER better than she communicated with me. and she got upset and heartbroken when he didnt respond to her cuz he was too busy cheating.

well shes prob fookin “other” guys but its not cheating because she wouldnt even give me the time of day.

but i am very disappointed because she sure USED to give me the time of day, and i honestly had not had that Good of a Friendship with a Woman since like 2006. that was important to me even and i am very sad to lose it. i expressed this to her in email4, and i guess somewhat in emails1 and 3, but especially 4. but she prob never read them.

thats the other thing. i know i sent her chats like “im afraid of losing you” or something like that, indicated i was worried about the State of Our Relationship. she might sometimes respond to the messages but she NEVER responded to the most important thing in the message. it was as if she completely missed the most important part of the message. like when i tried to communicate with her, she would just NOT SEE IT, or skip over the most important parts, because i wrote too much and she just wanted to skim over it.

well shit yeah i write a lot but i would have read everything she wrote.

i just cant believe she would throw me away like that as if our 2 years of friendship meant NOTHING. i kinda expressed this point in a nicer way in email4, which she prob never read.

825

I CANT BELIEVE IT.

believe it. it obviously happened.

the next question is perhaps a bit more productive, actually NONE of these questions are productive AT ALL:

HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?

who knows. we will never know. because they didnt luv you as much as you luved them. in fact, they didnt even LIKE you, in fact they had lost all respect for you, while your feelings for them were as strong as ever.

basically she treated me like i was a Random Harrasser, and as soon as i became The Harrasser, that canceled everything before it out, so she can do what shes doing with NO REMORSE. because im the bad guy for harassing her.

basically the turning point was when we both went to an event that we knew both of us would be at. since it was a bit of a drive i was pushing her that we should drive together. she said i dunno ill let you know. i should have been able to read the signal but times like this you dont WANT to read the signal. this is why i would have preferred a TALK, rather than god damn SIGNALS. fook signals.

anyway she never let me know and just went out there seperately. i was like ok, thinking thats kinda disappointing. when i got out there i texted and called her but no response, she had turned her phone off to either save battery or block me. see i just didnt think she hated me that much. i didnt think she viewed me as A Harasser, just as a Friend where we were having a little trouble. I would hoping this super fun event would help bring us together, a big fun event on a shared, special interest. no it did not work.

it was a big event so its almost more likely NOT to bump into someone you know there because there are literally thousands of people.

however i thought it was stupid that we should both be there but not meet up. i figured we were still friends at least, not a harasser/victim relationship, so if we are both at this big fun event, we should obv meet up, but the event is so large, it can be hard to meet up if someone is avoiding your texts.

i walked around a little bit once i got in. at that time i was not obsessed with Finding Her and Stalking Her, I just figured I’d do a casual walk around the venue and see if i saw anyone. I saw her within like 15 minutes. i said hello and things were immediately weird. i walked away because of the huge weirdness and just treated it like you saw someone you vaguely knew but never talked to and were def not friends with. got real nervous.

then 3 minutes later i said this is fooking STUPID, now we both know where each other is, im just gonna go back over there and play it cool.

ideally she would have come over to me and said something reassuring hahahaha.

i went back over there and played it remarkably cool and got so much coldness and weirdness from her.

well it was my fault because i didnt ask “is this ok? i can go away if you want to.” actually i think i hinted at it cuz it seemed really awkward to actually ask the question.

i thought things smoothed out a little bit over the course of the event. it was the first time i had met her outside of work in 10 months. but i could not have The Talk at this place unfortunately because it was a very public event, it was very loud, there were tons of people, it was loud and honestly no better a place for a heart to heart long talk, than work would be a suitable environment for such a thing. ie not at all!

but yeah she treated me like a creepy stalker harasser and i felt that was out of line because i didnt feel i was stalking her! in the past we had gone to events like this together, like drove together. i was the one who let her now about the event and she said oh cool i will get tickets for me. i was hoping she would say immediately something like lets make plans or lets go together. but NOoOoOoOoO, and that was just another signal of distancing i should have read.

i even waffled on getting my tickets because i figured very RIGHTLY that it would be awkward as fook. but at the last minute i decided to go, because i honestly didnt want to miss the sweet event! so i told her yeah im going now and she said cool. but i dont really think she thought it was cool hahahahaha.

she could have said cool wanna come with me? but no, i had to ask her and she said i dunno.

we really have completely different communication styles. I am way more DIRECT than her and she avoids and avoids and is noncommittal and unclear and in many cases defaulted to a kind of polite answer, which implied maybe, theres a chance, when she really meant NO, O GOD NO.  so that is kind of a mixed message when i am supposed to read Maybe as Definitely NO, especially when we had a Decent Rel in the past, and she LIKED hanging out with me, and WANTED to hang out with me. so i honestly thought Maybe meant Maybe.

but that event was the last time we talked and immed after that she pulled the plug entirely. SHUNNED me.

i watched a stupid program on jehovahs witnesses and how they “disfellowship” people and completely SHUN them, which a shrink described as “psychological torture.” I agreed that Shunning was uniquely painful. Shunning is another good word to describe this feel.

i have never been SHUNNED before. like i say the closest thing to this in my life would be when i got into a Feud with my college roomate and we cold shouldered and shunned each other, he started it of course.

but that was almost BETTER because i wasnt in LOVE with him! it didnt BREAK MY HEART, it just made me ragingly ANGRY and hateful, but not heartbroken!

so she thinks she is right to shun me, because i am a creepy harasser stalker who should have never looked for her at that event.

indeed in hindsight i wish i hadn’t! because of how shitty everything happened after that! i wish i hadnt even gone! but i honestly did want to go to this event. ok it was a concert of somebody we both really like and i have never seen them before and they are getting kind of old. it was a great concert and i am glad to get that off my bucket list. but it is also very bittersweet because it did not bring me and her closer together like i hoped it would, but indeed drove the final nail in the coffin.

ideally i will go to see him again by MYSELF or with a REAL friend so I can have a Do Over and experience the joy of seeing him WITHOUT the pain of HER.

but yeah i afterwards i texted her, sorry for being weird, i wasnt really stalking you you know, i was just walking around and i saw you. which was partially true. i was there like 1 hour before the main event with nothing to do, i wasnt gonna drink 10 dollar drinks or socialize with the degenerate burnout fans getting super drunk. i was just gonna walk around and people watch.

anyway i was fishing for “oh no you werent weird, if anything i was a little weird” but she did not respond to the idea of weirdness or stalking, she just said i had a good time, good night, and that was the very last we ever spoke.

so that’s HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME. because she didnt view me as a friend any more, she just viewed me as a Weird Harasser and potentially Weird Creeper Stalker. and those people DESERVE To be Ghosted and Shunned and Avoided Without Explanation.

I am just butthurt that she could downgrade me from Good Real Friend, to Weird Creepy Stalker, and never communicate to me about it!!!!!