WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME?

dec 3

https://www.youtube dot com/watch?v=C2hOJR0hIBY

this “woman” looks like a man, and should not be wearing something so unflattering, and looks part nonwhite, BUT she is appearing on redice, who are Legit Vetted Good Goys and worthy of support, talking about the evils and degeneracy of Jooish Pornography, so thats pretty cool. i just saw this, have not listened yet.

but with a great name like “PORNOGRAPHY: WEAPONIZED DEGENERACY” I got a DOUBLE BONER and downloaded it IMMEDIATELY for listening very soon on a powerwalk! they just should not have put “her” wearing that in the thumbnail. jeez she is so ugly in that picture it undermines all of our credibility hahahahaha. still anything about PORNOGRAPHY: WEAPONIZED DEGENERACY HAS to be a good talk, good lesson, good message.

 

really you should listen to the three hour mix three times a day hahahahahahaha

when we were young, once in a great while we would find a song that was so mind blowingly awesome that we made a “mix cd” of that one song on repeat for 74 minutes.  this one would definitely qualify! although I was not aware of it at that time unfort. Oh I knew about the movie but had no interest in it and had no knowledge of the music.

here is one of those songs hehehe. for some reason we gravitated to ridiculous 80s style “cock rock.”

i am shilling for red ice today. now i dont like how this guest woman dresses like a HOOKER with the eye makeup and earrings and showing the tits, but uh i will try to listen to this one as well. but yeah even though henrik and lana are All Right, sometimes they do have weirdass guests who are jooish or antiwhite hahahaha so just because somebody is ON red ice doesnt mean they are automatically good.

but yeah what red ice is doing, creating their own alt right, pro white media platform/network, is exactly what whites need to do. create a white, joo-free media. our own news, our own tv and radio, and of course podcasts are a great part of this, and its already happening, THANK GOD.

yeah i know red ice did weird alex jones conspiracy shit years ago, but i forgive them hahahaha.

henrik and lana just need to have 3+ children and hire some white men to do red ice.

i would become a sustaining member of red ice but their prices are too damn high hahahahaha.

65 euros a YEAR?  that is like 66 dollars a year. i would maybe do 20.

i mean they DESERVE it, i just cant/dont want to dnate that much!

i mean its more for ME than THEM, so i can FEEL GOOD about myself, and really i need all of THAT i can get!

there is this catholic church sorta near me that is geared towards polish people, and i hear that polish catholics are some of the most hardcore Based Catholics hahahaha. they are proud of their polish blood and dont have open arms for a bunch of screaming asians and mestizos and browns and arabs which you see in many cath churches. plus i have some polish blood and love poles. love them. would love a nice polish gurl for a qt 3.1488 waifu. poland is definitely a top tier european country.

problem is this place doesnt just have one polish mass a week, they have nothing BUT polish mass and EVERYTHING is in polish, church website, church bulletin/newsletter.

actually this is not a problem at all, this is a fookin BENEFIT. cuz it means they are traditional and old school as fook.

so i could just go there and be like

¯\_ツ_/¯   ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯       ¯\_ツ_/¯      ¯\_ツ_/¯

and say dzien dobry, jak sie maz (????), sto lat, dzienkuje, boze dobry, boze dobrze rzarzarzarza, ja nie movi polakiu, and then they would say oh look hes trying, how nice, then they could hook me up with their 19 year old virgin daughter who could teach me polakiu hahahaha and i could put babies in her for 14k a year hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeit those women are TOO GOOD for me!

乁(⏓ ͜つ⏓)ㄏ

2016-12-03-20_36_03-cardamom-0-02_0-04-no-limit-holdem-replay-13464295

this fookin guy makes a huge raise when he flops a pair of 8s. glad i agressively went all in instead of thinking he had AA and folding! or 88 or 66 or 22 hehehe.

no thats not 7 dollars and 45 cents, thats .00745 btc, which is…. 5 dollars and 71 cents. YIKES. well the price of BTC has gone up pretty steadily since i started playing this shit like 2 years ago.

so yeah if i had any BALLS like a REAL MAN i would have gone to this polish church 11 fookin years ago!!!!!!!

fooking reddit relships and their different secs BEST FRIENDS. you shouldnt have a BEST FRIEND who is the opposite sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and IM the weirdo and sexist and hateful racist violent trump supporter for thinking this!!!!!!!

or IM weird because i think open relationships are shitty and bad. im being too judgmental and intolerant of peoples valid choice.

well to be fair, reddit says that MOST people

dec 4

 

i am gradually warming up to emily youcis. normally i am very very very very suspicious of women in the movement, but she doesnt seem TOO bad. plus i immediately get more sympathy for the women once they LOSE something like their job or their freedumz. and so she was recently fired by k1ke company aramark (i applied for office clerk job there, no response hahaha) after working for 7 years selling pistachios at the baseball stadium. fired for “social media” reasons.

yeah i mean maybe this was part of her plan and she’s prob not gonna go homeless or sucking dick for a place to stay (not that most women dont already do that anyway hahahahahahahahahaha)

anyway. so i am always judging women for being hookers and sluts and wh0res and promiscuous and degenerate, but in the end, do those things really impact me directly? why do i hate sluts so much? that woman wasn’t a slut! she hurt me through ways that did not involve sluttiness AT ALL!

yeah well in the PAST ive def been hurt by women who were into the slutty casual sex mindframe. also i just find it very distasteful and immoral and degen and a sign of the cultural and spiritual degen which we must fix in our people. and yes it represents something i WANT but cant seem to get, which is given away so freely to Everyone Else but I am fundamentally broken and unable to obtain.

and also i am judgmental against the things that that woman DID do, like avoiding shit like a coward, i dont like that either hahaha.

ok well here’s a good point: at least i never really became a beta orbiter friendzone!!! or if i did, it ended pretty damn quickly!

it kind of proves that i basically will not LET MYSELF become a pathetic supplicating beta orbiter. i eventually have to rip the bandaid off and be like, here’s the obvious truth which i can’t believe you’re not seeing. I CANT GO ON THIS WAY hahahaha.

going to church on sunday today instead of saturday. going to church that is probably better than the one i usu go to. less cucky and marxist and antitrvmp and leftwing. less cucking for DIVERSITY and UNITY and VIBRANCY and all that shit. shit no wonder that church is full of weird asians and this other church seems to have more whites. shit why dont i just go to this other church regularly. or go to that damn polish church. IT DOESNT MATTER that i dont speak polish. i could learn and besides them speaking polish is a YUGGGGGGGGGGGE value add!!!!!!! its a GREAT thing!

yep starting new 13k job tomorrow. kind of a big deal. nervous. dont want to screw it up. dont want to look like a WEIRD IDIOT. just want to do a good job. not just a good job, but a GREAT job and really impress everyone.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit i should have been getting BOOKS related to my NEW FIELD the instant i knew i was hired, and devouring those books to get a good frame of reference, big picture view, maybe some small picture view too, reading the books The Director reads for his PhD, which is of course related to his masters degree and what he does now, The Department, what books are most relevant to this job and this department, thought leaders, bla bla. i quickly bought a book right now so that i could say i at least placed my order for the book before i started the job hahahaha but why i didnt do this 2 weeks ago so i could have had the books and started reading them by now…….hmm maybe i am not serious about making 13k a year with no benefits, maybe WALMART would be a better fit with my career skills.

dumped because he couldnt read the gurls stupid mind. i GUESS shes ENTITLED to dump him for whatever stupid reason she wants, but when the reason is THAT stupid, just candy coat it and dont GIVE an exact reason. i mean thats just a BAD REASON. just say I’m not compatible with you. it’s not you its me. that would be better than saying some stupid ass shit like that.

hehe i made the mistake of initially assuming the “best friend” OP of the gurl was another gurl. hehehe. sounds like he is deeply in luv with her and is in complete denial. but not looking at that, she still should not be Ghosting her friends.

i mean this guy is cringey and beta orbiter AF, and theres a very important lesson to learn there, but she still shouldnt be Ghosting him like a coward, throwing away 3 years of friendship, and getting her new bf to laugh at him and call him pathetic (which he is.)

dont be like this pvssy phaggot. but at least he is getting a CS degree so he might be making 30k a year by age 22. that is a pretty good move.  i mean its still risky because i worked with CS grads doing the exact same phone bullshit as me.

bonus points for OP having mad anxiety and panic attacks that feel like heart attacks and he is so confused hhahaha.

better when you are 21 than 31!

then reddit shreds this kid for being a sexist, creepy niceguy, which he kind of IS, but this ISNT the way to deal with that. you have to show some sympathy for these poor sad bastards. theyre not the bad horrible people you think they are !!!!!!!!

he doesnt need to “RESPECT” her wishes because they’re not respectable. just use the word ACCEPT. ACCEPT her stupid, unrespectable wishes, and let her get fooked by chad. the end.

grieve and have legitimate suffering because your friend of 3 years didnt give a DAMN about you as a human being. i feel your pain man. that sucks. this is the sympathy he’s not getting ANY of and he should.

anyway. i wish you COULD be Just Friends with a woman before Dating and Fooking and Relshiping them, because unless I am Friends with a Woman, i really just dont LIKE them. the way they approach Relships is degenerate and infuriating. I just dont like it. rustles the shit out of me.

I wish you COULD get to know a woman as a friend, be like this is a really good person and i like them, maybe I can try a deeper rel with them, i think they would make a decent GF or wife. i wonder if she will be willing to try that.

NOPE. NEVER WILL. thats what the friendzone is hahahaha. if you dont fook her like a n1993r within 2 days of meeting her, you dont have a chance with making her your GF or wife.

i just hate how the J’s are dumbing us down and jooing us down and morally corrupting us all down into n1993rs.

If you don’t like the word n1993rs, just call em animals. they are turning us all into filthy, dumb, dirty, disgusting ANIMALS.

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!

anyway yeah this reddit niceguy hate is just way out of line. niceguys arent THAT bad. have some damn SYMPATHY for them. save some of that judgment for the women, who in many cases are being huge bitches to the niceguys.

but yeah this guy needs to stay away from this gurl, and there needs to be more blame directed at HER.

when you are begging and bribing somebody to hang out with you. it IS pathetic tho! but its SAD. he doesnt even REALIZE hes in LUV with her. at least I REALIZED that. and i STOPPED contacting her eventually. let her run off and fook animals.

and yeah it would help that guy to go to a shrink, but good lord dont tell him you are SUPER FOOKED UP and must see a shrink NOW if you have any chance of not being a horrible person. they hate these nice guys almost as much as they hate TRVMP or WHITE PEOPLE.

i was thinking in an ideal world, i would just get a dr to prescribe me Medical MJ for Despair and Anxiety, just like getting an RX for Citalopram and Valium. Which I have already gotten RX’s for.

so in an ideal world, despair and anxiety would be legal medical Qualified Conditions for MMJ.  but they arent.

anyway i was thinking, go to semi shady MMJ doctor and be like listen, so i dont have cancer or back pain like most of the people, but i dont want to bullshit you and say i have CARPAL TUNNEL pain when i really dont, but here’s something I REALLY DO HAVE, and have taken RX’s for YEARS to PROVE it, i know they arent TECHNICALLY conditions, but…..hey i’ll buy ya dinner right now, you’re pretty hungry from writing recommendations all day arent ya goy? bubby?

the thing is, i could say that my TREATMENT for OTHER CONDITIONS causes SPASMS, and then i could get MMJ for that. yeah but it doesnt. but i think citalopram causes spasms for some people hahahahaha.

basically the TREATMENT for something Unqualifying, gives me a Backdoor into Qualifying.

but not really, because this treatment doesnt cause spasms or severe pain!

https://www.reddit.com/r/altright/comments/5e7rbu/emily_youcis_animator_of_alfred_alfer_ama/

meh i guess i will approve of emily, she seems to be sincere. hope her animation bcomes less degenerate and she seems to be aware that by joining the alt right and becoming pro white, you kinda HAVE to hold yourself to a higher moral standard and actively purge the degeneracy from your own life.

but she’s only been into this for less than 6 months! i have been into this for like 6 years!!!!!!!

heh i dont really care as long as she is sincere and doesnt stop being pro white. she talks about losing friends and such and purging people. this is good.  purge the dead weight and bad influences from your life. Traditional Morality will alienate you from degenerate animalistic losers. you dont want them to be your friends anyway.

fine i will HUHWHYTE KNIGHT for emily even though shes probably taken MILES AND MILES of dick, prob even nonwhite (no real proof.) but i am willing to forgive, if there is TRUE repentance.

well i dont really like these super big bewbs gurls plus she will probably start to get very potato looking when she gets older. but at age 26 right now she is pretty qt, would hang out with hahahahahahahaha.

i mean better late than never amirite. im no saint myself. you know what they say, all saints have a past and all sinners have a future!

i went to this other church this morning and it was 100000000000000 times better than the one i usually go to. not only was it less boring and faster, there were a lot more whites, some qt young white women as well! i mean i already KNEW this for at LEAST a YEAR!!!!!

like the priest at my regular church, nice guy, good guy, but a pathetic cuck shitlib who is soooo shocked at the hate and racism and intolerance of the whitelash, and desperately wants to overcompensate and Reach Out to Mudslims to show them Not All White Christians are hateful rednecks.

whereas at the other church, no mention of this stuff, just a bunch of happy white people, including many under-40’s.

all the whites at my usual church are well over 40 hehehehe. plenty of nonwhites.

shit. starting NEW JOB tomorrow. have been doing laundry. planning on bringing 1 dozen donuts tom morning. ask people about their families. ask about what are good books for me to read about this field. i am already reading bla bla by bla bla. here’s some donuts. do you guys drink coffee? i can bring in some folgers, i have some extra folgers at home. sorry its not top shelf, but i can bring in a little top shelf closer to xmas. heres some donuts in the meantime. how many kids u got. where are they going to college? tell me about your graduate program. what do you think about the 14 words hahahaha. so how about that election hahahahaha.

can i take a tough phone call right now? what are the toughest problems you get in here from your “customers”? whats the best way to bullshit them and give them the runaround and say it cant be fixed, it is what it is, you dont have to like it hahahahaha jk i know we go above and beyond for our clients wink wink nudge nudge amirite?

besides, everybody knows that when “it is what it is” just wont cut it, you have to bring out it is what it IS what it is what it is. then that fixes everything. that explains everything. that gets angry people to say OH NOW I GET IT, im so sorry for being such a huge bitch. now that i realise that it is what it IS what it is!!!!! see before, i was thinking it IS what it is.

mother fooking phaggot cvntz hahahaha.

i was thinking i dont DESERVE a woman Without A Past, because IIIIII have a past myself!!!!!!!!!!!

ok fine, but i DO insist the woman is TRULY REPENTANT of her degenerate past! says I am ashamed of my past, i never want to have another abortion, or fook another nonwhite, or have any more casual sex!!!!!! its disgusting and here’s why! I REGRET doing all that.

rather than someone that says oh that makes me who i am, i’m not ashamed, i have no regrets.

GOOD PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS.

shit I have tons of regrets, tons of shame, tons of remorse and repentance for all the degenerate animal shit IVE done. so I DO want THAT much from muh formerly degenerate waifu hahahaha.

if you dont have regrets, I DONT WANT TO KNOW YOU hehehehe.

the bad shit youve done SHOULD be regretted.

muh dbt book says to try not to be judgmental. notice all the times you make a judgment throughout the day, bad OR good, and just let them float away like leaves on a stream.  just observe stuff mindfully and without judgment.

this struck me as kinda weird. i can see trying to stop your bad judgments, but the good ones too?

i mean i make 148800000000000000000000000000000000000000000 negative judgments a day. every damn person i see i judge them. i was sitting in church watching the nice white people coming back from communion and i was judging each and every one of them harshy: fatty. f4ggot. dirty dago. ugly. fat slob. pig. dog. disgusting animal. sissy. nice haircut phaggot. nice manbun phaggot. nice potato shaped body. your kids are brats. your wife is a slut. you have dyed hair, you must be a slut. how many cox you take. how many black guys. how many abortions. wow, fat AND a smoker, youre in great health, you no self discipline weakling.

i mean its truly ridiculous how many negative judgments i make about people, many many many times a day. so YEAH i AGREE, trying to be conscious of that and not doing that would be a GREAT step for me.

really i am nowhere NEAR as HATEFUL and judgmental when i am with actual real people. i always think the best of them.

but from a distance, when i am alone just thinking of people in the abstract, or people watching people from a distance, god damn, its a hugeass hatefest!!!!!!

no not violent hate, but still very bitter butthurt negative pessimistic cynical recrimination!

and WHAT DOES IT GET ME?

HOW DO I BENEFIT?

WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME?????

NOTHING!

at a more moderate level, it would have been a natural response to people who have hurt me in the past with slutty or immature or fat or ugly or irresponsible behavior.

but the healthy way for me to do that is to say, ok, here are some red flags to watch out for, but im not gonna look for those red flags in EVERYBODY, and im sure not gonna get MAD about it if they havent done anything to ME.

but yeah. its like my automatic reaction to seeing a person, is to have a NEGATIVE JUDGMENT about them. this is not good!

fat, ugly, slut, phaggot, degenerate. usually one of those. douchebag, asshole, bitch, weirdo, autist, spazz, moron.

i cant stop judging people hahahahaha.

STILL, i INSIST that its worse for women to go out there and let themselves be used as pieces of sex meat, that it is for pathetic omega virgins to jerk off to jooish porn. because in one you have essentially two people hurting each other, in the other, you have one loser hurting himself.

but dont get me wrong, porn is horrible and i am ASHAMED and REGRETFUL that i ever looked at it. well, that i looked at it so MUCH.

and tbh, i was only a little above average i think for American Men Of My Generation. Many men are much, much worse. i was nowhere NEAR a Porn Addict.

hmm sorta watching this movie the lost weekend, i mean i had watched this intently a few years ago, and i think after i stopped drinking as well, and had gained some Understanding of the Baffling Cunning “Disease”, and i still found the movie disappointing and corny, and for some reason it seems better now.

i mean ive been on the straight and narrow path here for the last damn 7 years basically. no booze, a little bit of MJ though. not enough imho hahahahahahaha. gradually became more Alt Right, more JQ, less degen, more principled, just a better person hahaha. although unfort more of a virgin neet loser too hahahaha.

well its been up and down tho. ebb and flow.

was driving home and saw this fat guy and his fat wife in my neighborhood who are always sitting in their backyard smoking cigarettes and being fat, and i thought wow, fat and smoking, good choice buddy, and then i thought ok i shouldnt JUDGE him, he very well could be a very very very nice kind man, very courageous, very strong. nobody is perfect, me neither, and so he just happens to be a fat smoker. nobodys perfect and what if he’s very very nice.

how often do i need to bring in donuts? i dont want to more than once every 2 weeks.

you gotta ask the right questions. what if i ask the WRONG questions? what if i ask DUMB questions???!!?!

so show them i am smart by quoting Big Thought Leaders in this Education Related Field. I read some education books right? hehehe yes the only education books i read were “dumbing us down” by gatto and “the unschooling handbook” by some woman.

both very anti establishment sort of stuff. but which may be considered moer establishment in 2016.

i mean i really SHOULD be more interested in the Field of muh job. which all I will say it is SOMEWHAT education related.

so yeah i think education is bullshit ahhahahahahhahahahaha. all education should be handled by parents.

yeah well what about college level stuff. the job im doing COULD ACTUALLY BE LEGIT USEFUL to a HUHWHYTE NATION as regards “homeschooling” college/grad level material to Learners. It’s GOOD because it can put you into direct contact with Experts and Instructors while minimizing the JOOISH DEGEN (((((COLLEGE EXPERIENCE))))), i will just say that.

MINIMIZING IT!

so yeah this is actually a REALLY good position to be in and i shoul dbe  MOAR grateful!

maybe i should bring bagels instead of donuts? i mean i will actually eat bagels later if people dont eat them all. its easier to save and eat bagels later than donuts.

now you could still use this technology to deliver jooish marxist frankfurt skool degeneracy and mindkilling soulkilling poison into the brains of students, but again, its just a TOOL, that can be used for good OR for bad.

if it helps even one white neet get a good paying job one day, then its worth it.

so in a way, i am working in support of my Dream Career by Helping White Neets.  UP FROM NEETNESS.

well, if they are doing education, technically they are not a neet then hahahahahaha. well how about neets who are only involved in education, because its a LOT easier to go to college than to Get A Job. you just pay shitloads of money (take out loans) and go to some shitty school hahahaha.

honestly just go to your local community college. i PROMISE you its not THAT shitty. better than fookin DEVRY. talk about fookin SKYPES.

besides, to get a good job, you cant just have book knowledge and do good in online college courses. you have to be good with PEOPLE. CUSTOMERS. you have to have MAD CHARISMA and not be autistic!

so how do all these autists get jobs?

uhh the ones that dont get stem degrees from good colleges DONT! they become neets!

so would i feel more comfortable lying to the MMJ doctor about Carpal Tunnel or Back Pain, or Lying about getting Spasms from the meds i take for muh Severe Despair?

great now the poor beta orbiter kid who was in love with his female friend was bullycided into removing his post. because hes such a HORRIBLE PERSON. good lord they hate these pathetic niceguys more than they hate Raepists. seriously. right now he is probably blaming the shit out of himself for being such a horrible person. and he wont let himself grieve properly for a relationship that “didnt exist.” yeah well if he knew her for THREE YEARS it DID exist, no matter how close she felt to HIM, no matter what these degenerate bullies on /relships say.

THAT KID IS BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!

there is ANOTHER post about an opposite secs best friend at the top of the relships hotlist!

GUESS WHAT /R/RELSHIPS, WHEN YOUR “BEST FRIEND” IS THE OPPOSITE SECS, RIDICULOUS DRAMA ENSUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess you can be “friends,” but to identify as “best friends”? HELL NO.

sheeeeeeeeeit tuff times buddy. im sure reddit will say he is a horrible person for thinking he is entitled to something.

yep sad shit man. well at least you can do your JOB and shit you got a NEW JOB within 8 months of getting heartbreakingly dumped! so id say youre doing pretty well. just work 80 hours a week at your new job and smoke MJ the rest of the time. use MJ to bribe tinder wh0res into nihilistic secs hahahaha.

did i get jealous because they were leaving me, or did they leave me because i was getting jealous?

i think i kept my jealousy under wraps PRETTY DAMN WELL until it became clear they were pulling away from me, talking to other guys, and then i’d say i had a PRETTY GOOD REASON to get jealous hehehehe.

so yeah i dont eer push women away because i am “THE JEALOUS TYPE.”

heres a good quote from this one:

”   [–]PaHoua 4 points 49 minutes ago
If you’re the one broken up with, it is very likely you’ll take much longer to move on than the dumper. That person has already been “mourning” the loss of the relationship for a long time and when they finally came to terms with it is when they decided to commit to the action of dumping you.
Think of it like the five steps of grief: 1. Denial; 2. Bargaining; 3. Anger; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.
When she reached Acceptance, you weren’t even aware of what was to come. Then she dumped you. You moved into Denial.
This happened to me. I moved back and forth between all of the stages until I got into Acceptance. He was dating within weeks and probably earlier, whereas I remained in between stages for a couple of years.
It takes as long as it takes. That’s all anyone can tell you.     ”

wow a woman saying something very reasonable hahahahaha

 

NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY D1CK

aug 5

yeah so the idea of creativity and design and human centered and innovation bla bla it all sounds REALLY good, its some GREAT bullshit. i mean nobody, left or right, white or jooish, can deny that Creativity is a Good Thing. and it’s fun and confidence building and healthy to BE creative. any cynic who bitches about how creativity is bullshit is just butthurt that they aren’t creative. i do that alot. bitch about x because im butthurt about not being x. its degenerate and wicked and jooish, etc.

cant really do that about creativity. shit I would LIKE to be more creative. I used to be more creative before muh emotional issues really put the kibosh on that. being creative means you can think your way out of problems and hopefully act on them. and really fix the problems.

i was creative this morning. usually i make weak coffee with 4 scoops. when i was at the creativity office, they had some pretty good coffee, but since normie coffee is too strong for me, i have to dilute it with water. So i thought, well why dont I just make stronger coffee at home, then add water to it, that way i dont have to make 2 pots of coffee a day. just make 1 pot of stronger coffee and add water to it AFTER making making it, when i am pouring muhself a cup. mix it with some water then.

see how SIMPLE that is? yet I didnt think of it until I was 35 years old hahahaha. because muh creativity is THAT weakened. its hard to think of solutions when you are anxious and despairing. this impairs your judgement and give you BRAIN FOG. you cling to any kind of safety or security or certainty you can find, because youre tired and weak from being confused and uncertain and HELPLESS.

when you are DROWNING, you dont have the LUXURY of being creative. you just want a damn life raft or something that FLOATS that you can GRAB ONTO and hold on for dear life. thats as creative as you can be.

but im not REALLY drowning! thats ALL IN MY MIND!

own worst enemy, imaginary prison, afraid of freedom, fear is the mindkiller etc

but yeah it is very hard to break those Psychic Chains hahahaha. Correct the Cognitive Distortions.

anyway a year later after the shit with the woman its easier to put it in perspective and not hate her so much, and not blame myself so much, which is HUGE. i thought i did something HORRIBLE which caused her to HATE me.

in fact she probably didnt hate me, and the simplest solution is the best one: she was just scared and confused and overwhelmed, fight or flight kicked in, I wanted to fight, and she wanted to flight. so she ran away. I have run away from situations before, not because they did me wrong or I hated them per se. I ran away because I was scared and panicking because I felt I JUST COULDNT HANDLE IT!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CANT HANDLE THIS!!!!!!!! so you run away. and thats the ALL the explanation there really IS. get scared, run away. and then you cant really approach the person to convince them theres nothing to be scared of. becuase they keep running away. nothing you can do but let them run away. which i ultimately did. the end.

theres ignoring, THEN theres “actively” avoiding, THEN theres running away. we gradually escalated through all three stages there.

im not sure a manipulative niceguy would have driven that escalation like I did! I NEEDED A RESOLUTION! I wasnt WAITING TO POUNCE!

so yeah its important to personally believe i wasnt the bad guy, i wasnt the niceguy fake friend manipulator. it was just unfortuante and sad situation where we couldnt resolve our problems and she ran away from them because she was too scared to DEAL with them.

which is understandable! sheeeeeeeeeit I feel EVERY DAY like I cant DEAL WITH LIFE itself! I’ve done plenty of running away myself!

its like in dreams where you are just running and running away from some sort of monster.

well maybe she didnt think I was a monster, but she certainly found the situation monstrous and terrifying. ok I totally get that.

so yeah it is starting to make a lot more sense, and that gives me real closure. it sucks total donkey dick, but it makes sense. but it still sucks!

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING MAKES SENSE DOESNT MEAN IT DOESNT SUCK DONKEY DICK!

see THESE are healthy thoughts, this is how a normie thinks, how a confident winner normie nonvrigin nonneet DEALS WITH problems in their life.  by taking a HEALTHY perspective on them.

wow i guess that means i am having a good day today. well thank GOD hahahaha.

im not even that upset about not getting that great job. I still feel sorta confident from even just having the interview and being one of 4 finalists. out of 100 applicants!

well I would have expected more applicants frankly. at least 200.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/6235/

this post shows some early hints of Rational Thinking way back in january 2016 when I wrote it. so not even 6 months out, I was getting some good perspective on it. of course i certainly wasnt fully healed, i still am not, and then i was MUCH more lazy on muh job search. i was still running away from that.

yeahi mean shit its like forrest gump running away kind of. he wanted to run back to the safety of home….but when he was an older man, that didnt even do it for him. so he just kept running and running  and running until he was tired of running. that manipulative joo movie portrays it very nicely, in some ways, that movie is very very good and of course I identify with forrest more than most people. kinda like a big naive child who doesnt really fit in. and falls in luv with the worst women ever hahahahaha.

I would have gotten along with forrest well I think and probably been a good friend to him hehehe. and i wouldnt die early like bubba and i wouldnt be all bipolar like lt dan. well, maybe i would hahahaha.

really lt dan should have stayed alongside forrest after their shrimp company blew up, and lt dan should have played a big role in keeping forrest away from that horrible skank jennay. i dont think jennay was an evil bad person, but she was just a totally ruined woman who was POISON to everyone around her. its sad really. and really its better for you to stay far far away from these Toxic, Poisonous people. They need to help themselves first. Jennay should have gone to a goy shrink when she was very young, before she turned into a drug whore always running away and breaking forrests heart 9000000 times. she did not deserve a good man like him.

at least thats what i get out of the movie, and i appreciate the movie for showing such a tragic, poisonous woman…..but i’m not sure thats what i was supposed to get out of it hahahahaha. and this just proves i am an unregenerate woman hater hahahaha.

SO BE IT. I HATE WOMEN. SO WHAT. DEAL WITH IT.

the two WOMEN I interviewed with yesterday didnt think i was a WOMAN HATER. or the Woman Manager I Initiated a Conversation with at the Creative Idea Design Space. They were nice to me and I was nice to them.

i HATE not having the “luxury” to CALL SOMEBODY BACK. shit give me 15 minutes, I will look into this, and CALL YOU BACK. we couldnt really do that at the job. you had to get permission to call somebody back. which wouldnt be given because there were Calls In Queue. so you had to do EVERYTHING with the caller on HOLD. put the caller on hold for 5 minutes just to ask for permission to call them back, and get rejected, then tell the caller you just wasted 5 minutes with them on hold hahahahaha.

yet another reason why i do not want to go back to a damn call center. they are able to get “LEAN” so that there is no downtime, so that there ALWAYS IS callers in queue, because if there is not a lot of calls, they can just send people home like they do at a restaurant.

not all places send people home when it gets slow!

but you gotta have a degree from cornell loaded with prestigious internships to get one of those jobs, hahahaha.

my school was not as prestigious as CORNELL or STANFORD. but it was definitely within shouting distance. a lot of our people went to Grad School at cornell or stanford or places like that.

but not me! I went on to struggle to make more than 10k a year for the next 11 years after college! with no cuddles hahahaha

heh damn recruiter called, said they found my resume on careerbuilder, i lied and said i found a new position, then went right to careerbuilder and saw all my shit was private.

they probable saved my info in their system back when my shit was not private. hmm. im surprised they remember people like that, in the sense of creating and maintaining their own pool, rather than saying fook all these people, let’s just go right back to careerbuilder and get NEW resumes!

maybe that means i was in a “high value” pool that they wanted to contact several times? be persistent with this guy becuase he’s good? hehehehehe. see that is the RIGHT way to interpret this uncertainty.

pick up tailored suit from arabs today, they were super expensive, wont go back. they have great reviews tho.

AGAIN! THAT KID IS ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!

The INFAMOUS job that got 1000 applicants in 3 days for the entry level college student 13 DAH job, is being posted AGAIN about 2 or 3 weeks later!

HOW COULD NOT ONE OF THOSE THOUSAND PEOPLE BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS JOB???

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.

Shit yeah I will apply for it AGAIN, and count it towards my numbers again.

NO company should EVER hire from the outside for ANYTHING but an entry level position.  I can’t get creative enough to think of a GOOD reason, without sounding like total jooish bullshit.

hire a manager from another company while you have EXCELLENT level 1 people who would LOVED to be promoted AND who do GREAT work and KNOW their shit.

or the alternative is, you give them more responsibility and more work to make them FEEL like they’ve been promoted, maybe even gie you a fancier job title if you’re really lucky, but NO increase in pay. NONE.

so you are doing MORE for the SAME.

i mean shit yeah it makes SENSE, this all makes SENSE. the way it makes SENSE for a parasite to suck its host dry when there is an OVERSUPPLY OF HOSTS!!!!!! they can kill their host and it doesnt kill THEM (see the scorpion and the frog fable) because there is always another host!

THE SCORPION ALWAYS HAS ANOTHER FROG TO JUMP TO!!!!!!

which, of course completely Subverts and Ruins the MORAL of the fable. well, Subverting and ruining morals is what they do best isnt it?

anyway the idea is that by following its predatory nature, the scorpion “accidentally” kills the frog who is carrying it to safety, therefore killing himself.

YOUVE KILLED US, YOU ARROGANT ASS!!!!.wav

but in reality, the scorpion never has to face consequences for its actions because there’s another frog it can jump to once the previous frog dies. i guess women are like this too. they get away with it because they CAN get away with it and there will NEVER be a shortage of people who LET them get away with it.

women: the joos of the human race hahahaha. the joos of the genders hahaha.

i am now approaching andrew anglin level hatred of da joos hahahaha.

so if mill woes was the man of the year 2015, then the goys of TRS in general are the men of the year 2016. for sure. for sure. jim, sheeitlawd, ryan nation of one, seventh son, natt, otto, sam, k1ke enoch, all the great guys on the forum, and the podcasts i dont listen to, lets throw in andre anglin and weev too, they are great.

there are two kinds of mgtows: those that turn back once they reach Race Realism, and those that go boldly into that world. guess which one i am hahahaha.

in other words, eventually ALL mgtows reach the race question. its an inevitable, logical conclusion. and i dont think its logical to turn back. to say oh no i just want to engineer robot waifus, but being a racist is just dumb and ridiculous and bad. COME ON.

i think it gives a very healthy perspective for mgtows women hate. like you accept how ridiculous women are, and now you have the courage to actually DEAL with them, rather than AVOID them like mgtows. courage vs cowardice.

now i am a coward but im glad I chose the path of courage at least hahahaha.

picked up my newly tailor gray suit. i guess you could call it a dark gray as opposed to a Medium Average Gray. oh well. sill looks good and it doesnt look BLACK. I wanted to stay away from BLACK because NOBODY wears black suits and it just looks WEIRD. you are either a gangster, the blues brothers, or an orthodox j00, or amish, an orthodox russian. i mean some of these things are not bad……but none of them are NORMIE. they do not inspire confidence in the unconfident. you have to already be confident to pull off that weirdness. otherwise people will just think youre a weirdo, and it DOES matter what other people want, because you are always trying to GET something from them. SELL shit to them. they are your CUSTOMER. employers and women. and actual customers for that matter.

but yeah i absolutely have to apply to 4 better 5 jobs today, i have been “off” the past few days. i mean i have been busy doing stuff. doing this 2 day study, having 2 interviews, hey thats plenty hehehehe. also i have been more inspired in writing and thinking positively, so i want to capitalize on that.

although i did have a brief fantasy about degenerately banging the attractive “milf” type women I saw at the research study. basically just imagining them being very degenerate and slutty, why wouldnt a milf be, obviously theyre damaged goods, so then i respond in kind by having very ruff secs with them. i mean these are the types of women who like to be choked and slapped during secs and just treated like GARBAGE. NOT the type of woman you marry EVER.

unfortuantely that led to me having very degenerate thoughts about them! not the tender luving secs you have with your tender luving waifu!

which is easier to think of the nondegen stuff when you view the woman as being YOUNG AND nondegen herself. a young fair maiden. rather than some worn out old skank with plenty of obvious miles on the engine.

dont give your most valuable resource away for FREE!!!

it MATTERS!!!! stop pretending like it doesnt!! and women FALL for this RUSE completely! and its so shameful and disgusting!

and the woman i wanted to spend the rest of muh life with and have 3 white children with, would rather give up her white womb EASILY to packs of wild ingras than even LISTEN to me say please be nicer to me, did I ever mean anything to you.

guy on TRSF recommends doing a “3 day water fast” basically meaning, dont eat anything for 3 days, but you can drink water. he claims it resets your system, like rebooting your whole body, you can quickly lose some extra weight, wel, you might lose some muscle too so maybe dont do it if you are BULKING hahahaha.

supposedly the first 2 days are hard but the third day is easy and where you will notice the benefits. you wont even WANT to eat your favorite foods.

and hopefully when you end the fast, you will be reprogrammed to not want to eat as much.

he recommends doing a 3 day fast once every 3 months.

http://www.gq.com/story/six-day-water-fast-diet

http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting

i guess i kind of already DO intermittent fasting, ie doing all your eating for the day within an 8 hour window.

http://www.nateliason.com/5-day-water-fast-health-benefits/

water fasting.

sheeeeit wanted to play some cards finally, and nobody in there.

when good men go crazy or freak out or quit things or snap or disappear…………………….

there’s usually a woman behind it all. some bitch breaking his heart. and then he goes off the deep end. his heart and his luv were a lot more pure and good than her uterus and her heart.

maybe i should impregnate nonwhites but not take of the mixed race kids, so as to “ruin” their genetic line and to essentially make them more white hahahahaha. but what are the chances they will mate with whites to have whiter kids? also…..well basically this mixed bastard would ideally be a woman, who is herself impregnated by white men. but what if its a mixed man? do I want him mixing with a white woman to create a whiter child than him?

theres no easy solution when trying to “breed out” a certain race by diluting it with whiteness hehehe.

you basically need to genocide the males and turn the females into brood mares for whites. then repeat the cycle until the people are 92% white.

this is SO MUCH WORK. It would be easier just to Send All Nonwhites Back. A lot easier and more efficient and quicker and less autistic ahaha.

but a key lesson is, males can get away with race mixing, women can’t. exactly because women are more reproductively VALUABLE.

i mean ok. it kinda made sense in times of war and imperial conquest. like white men conquering african nations and making mixed bastards. but its not a good long term strategy for whites to live there i guess. i mean in the end you just get brazil. how what is brazil. i mean the whitest whites segregate themselves….and i cant blame them!!!!!

moral of the story, just dont race mix. men or women. no good can come of it. its interesting to think of how you could “whiten” nonwhites with strategic breeding but……i dunno its just not a good roi in the long run. too resource intensive.

bbbbbut not if you just exterminate all the mixed MALE fetuses, and the white men who breed with the mixed women don’t waste any of their RESOURCES on these women. but then who takes care of the women? the state I guess. then you have this whole slave caste essentially.

but they get released out of slavery once they are 92% white. and one day the slavery ends.

but i think that “LEGACY” of slavery would be with them just like with the blacks today.

especially for the first generation of children to be Born Free, ie above 92% or whatever. they only have memories of their mother being a brood slave. yeah but they dont even KNOW their mother. they could be put up into ADOPTION with a white family and then never told about their history. that might work hahahaha.

AYO HOL UP so youre tellin me there are qt white girls from carribean islands like the cayman islands, bahamas, bermuda, etc? I thought they were all black. (watching olympic intro ceremony with all the countries proceeding in. kinda interesting.)

are these all athletes? i mean there are qt gurls for the majority of countries, even not the whitest of countries. like cayman islands, or chile, or kazakstan. like kazakstan, most people look like finngolians, but a few people look whitish! i mean shit. cryprus has some qts, even colombia.

aug 6

really the breeding whiteness into nonwhites idea is SO AUTISTIC. the easiest and best solution is simply sterilize nonwhites. there would be no camps, no ovens. just sterlize them or send them back, even give them money when you send them back.  that would be tax dollars well spent.

ok what if i found the perfect woman, but she was 50% nonwhite. SOME of these gurls can be really qt. and still look pretty white. but keep in mind barry is half white and he looks black and you dont even remember hes half white.

well, i am not talking about the 50% black mixes hahaha. maybe like asian or indian or something. yeah but their mother is a race traitor! unless its an asian. then their father is a race traitor beta cuck with yellow fever.

ok gotta apply for more jobs, been falling behind there.

ok gonna try a 20 hour fast today. i guess its not too unusual for me to to a 16 hour intermittent fast. so lets try 20 hours today. because i am a bit over. essentially need to skip one or two meals. come on. how hard is that.

ideally i would like to lose 10 more pounds but at this point, it is harder than ever.

i mean i dont really NEED to because i am at a healthy weight now. which so many fat bastards are unable to say.

i just think of the last time we talked and she was so awkward and distant and was like YOU SHOULD KNOW that this is over, just STAY AWAY FROM ME, I dont want anything to do with you. without actually saying that.

where i was more like, yeah were having issues, but we have been friends for almost 3 years, you cant just ASSUME this is over and even more you cant ASSUME that I should feel the exact same way, and that I’m the bad guy for not immediately accepting, welp, this is dead and over and Im simply never going to talk to you again. Thats fine. No Problem. Done and Done.

Ok so women CAN be mature and rational and reasonable…….but at TIMES when the emotions and the hormones hit, they turn IMMEDIATELY back into 13 year old girls. IDIOTS. and thats when you need to be careful. at that point they become very destructive. ticking time bombs. and then they cant be trusted whatsoever and can do very bad things. and in this window of time, the female ceo can wreck their company, while they are having this tasmanian devil tantrum.

you basically need to strap them down in a rubber room with a straitjacket until the fever passes.

i wish this emotional fever wasnt SO powerful and SO destructive!!!! It’s almost as destructive as the power of the womb is life-giving. and on the other side, this emotional fever is like an atomic bomb, dstroyer of worlds, i am become death, kali.

Although I have no working experience in blabla system, I would take the initiative to learn the system as quickly as possible by training myself in my personal time.

this is my new favorite response to that question hahahaha. I have taken to writing that on my applications for 27k entry level clerk jobs where they ask if you have experience in blabla program.

Train YOURSELF in your PERSONAL time.

Dont train yourself on THEIR time.

Dont ask THEM to train you on their time OR on your time.

but you can MAYBE pay somebody 20 dollars an hour to train you on your free time.

or pay somebody to let you watch them at work before and after your shift. pay them for giving you the service of letting you watch them.

that idea that were DONE, and you should KNOW it, even though I havent really told you whether i want us to be DONE or if i am willing to work on it, like you have expressed to me that you want to work on it. you should know that I dont. now get out of here and if you dont understand all this, youre a crazy sociopath.

Really I had no way of knowing did she want to work on this, or did she want out entirely.

Well she wasnt showing any action towards working on it, so I guess I should have interpreted it as she wanted out entirely. so i was the bad guy for not liking that and for pushing her to work on it and not just sitting by and accepting this with a smile saying THATS FINE.

i mean yeah yeah “i respect her decision” but at least try to be polite and clear with me about what your decision is.

wow the finland team is the whitest so far as far as being filled with beautiful white people, so far, well alongside denmark and slovakia. but damn those beautiful finns dont look anything like mongols!

but yeah you see how the majority of the WORLD are nasty negers and shitskins hahahaha.

hmm there was one cute blond girl on georgia. i thought georgia was almost white….but not quite. i mean the men looked like total turks hahahaha. turkroaches.

no i know they are not, georgians are strictly caucasian.

anyway its unfortuante that the qt white gurls are just SLUTTING IT UP with SO MANY GUYS in the olympic village. how many guys does the average olympic gurl add to her number over the average summer olympics? 10 guys? 20? 5? gotta be more than 5. i mean its not like theyre partying EVERY NIGHT. they have to rest before their big competition days.

i dont even know how long the olympics is. 2 weeks? how many days off do they get? 1 week? 7 days. so, assuming 1 new guy per night, 7 new dicks taken during olympics. not bad. well yes, actually its horrible. there is no reason ANY woman should EVER take 7 dicks in her entire LIFE. that’s 14 years worth of dick all in one week. assuming the decent white thing to do is

NEVER TOUCH A DICK UNLESS YOURE PREPARED TO COMMIT TWO YEARS TO IT.

ideally 3 years.

so when a beautiful, in shape white gurl takes 7 dicks in a week, rendering her unmarriageable in one fell swoop, assuming she was ok before, which she probably wasnt!!!

but boy these healthy looking smiling beautiful white gurls dont LOOK like the filthy whores they are!

very frustrating to be generally averaging like 1250 calories a day and not losing any more weight. how low do i have to go?

i mean to do this you have to do to about 1.5 meals a day. to lose weight you can only eat 1.5 meals a day. no snacks. now when i say 1 meal, i mean 1 decent sized honest meal that fills you up. a “big” meal.

people will tell you youre not EATING ENOUGH.

my question is when does FASTING become ANOREXIA. you can FAST for 20 to 30 days.

thinking about taking a VALIUM tonight. just to see what it does. will it be similar to nyquil? if i dont take a valium i will def take a nyquil. its amazing i still have valium LEFT. let alone a LOT of them!

i mean i would prefer just some MJ but thats impossible for me to get since i am antisocial hahahaha.

meanwhile that woman has been smoking tons of MJ the past year, being way more successful than me, and probably being slutty and giving herself away and having TONS OF FUN. while smokin tons of MJ and making TONS of MONEY. come on.

Protip: ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT “THAT WOMAN” ARE UNPRODUCTIVE. COMPLETELY. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE BENEFIT TO HAVING THESE THOUGHTS. THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THOUGHTS I NEED TO PUT INTO THE OVEN. EXTERMINATE THEM.

who CARES about that woman, it doesnt MATTER what and who she does.

WHO CARES, IT DOESNT MATTER.

yeah its just weird seeing the same or a very very similar job with a certain company get posted every 2 or 3 weeks. always an entry level job that sounds right up my alley and right up MANY peoples alley: day shift, hourly pay, not super skilled, less than 50% talking to customers, office assistant, 12-15 an hour. usually get at least 100-200 applicants per day. then they get 500 appplicants, pull the posting, then 3 weeks later, ITS BACK.

WTF IS GOING ON HERE.

yes I KNOW I JUST wrote about this, possibly in this same post, and definitely last post. because I SEE it happening regularly and it is frustrating! don’t reopen the position, throw out the net to get 500 more applicants, just call me in for an interview!

and this isnt the type of job which only 1 out of ever 10000 people can do, some special snowflake. im sure a monkey could do the job.

which makes me think its a FAKE job opening, IE there is no job, i mean maybe there IS a job, but not right NOW. They hire one person every 2 years for the job, but POST it every month and get 500 applications every time. and then select the best one out of 12000 for when they actually want to hire a person hahahaha. no they probably just put them all in the oven and just pick the best out of the most recent batch of 500.

nobody told me this is how Jobs are!

and this place has terrible ratings from employees.

it doesnt sound like they do mass hiring and mass firing…..cuz they havent hired me yet hahahaha.

maybe this is how they create a pool. but really how many people do they need in their pool? 12000?

NO, they just constantly prune the pool to the BEST 100. a better one comes in, then the worst one gets ovened.

do they really have the TIME to do this though?

but how much TIME does it take? an hour a week? they can probably manage THAT.

so thats what they are doing then. developing the strongest pool possible. shit in that case they just throw out my resume every time, because its not as good as the WORST res in the pool. in that case, a good 490 out of 500 of the applications every month get thrown out!

welp guess these losers better go back to online college and get a masters degree then!

for a 13 an hour data entry job.

yes but its full time, days, no weekends! it might even have a 401k with 1% matching, and an expensive ass high deductible health plan!

and you gotta go to CORNELL to get a full time days no weekends job hahahaha.

355 days since i wrote the final email to her. the final contact. 389 days since i last talked to her. 271 days since i last looked at jooish porno filth.

heh. took a valium, then did a 3.6 mile powerwalk, didnt really feel the valium, then came home and took half dose of nyquil, cuz supposedly benzos make everything stronger hehehehe. now i am getting a little tired.

 

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WH0RE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN

may 14

was at fatclub yesterday and say beautiful 20 year old max white gurl wth nice long blond hair, not dyed or anything, and she was so cute, but she was wearing these pants that were so ridiculous tight, it was like she was wearing nothing at all. of course i was staring and gawking and ogling and thinking of her sitting on muh face. even though she was only 20 years old. maybe 19. i wouldnt just bang her, i would try to date her long term. hopefully she was nice rather than a huge bitch. but i was sad that her father hadnt instilled better values in her, to go out in public wearing clothes like that. she was wearing a big large t shirt….why cant they do they same with the pants???????

why am I complaining? I reap the benefits of being able to stare at her 20 year old ass! sure, most pornified degenerate men wont complain, but as a 1488 14 words man, I view women for what they really are: not porny sex objects, but as the mothers of our children.

do you really want a WHORE for the mother of your children?

just as women dont ask themselves obvious questions like, should I be wearing these tight pants, men don’t ask themselves obvious questions like this.

was watching ken burns jazz last night and it was pretty good. very watchable. dont know how accurate it was but I was glued to the tv. i bet the whole series is worth watching. i saw episode 8 or 9 which introduced monk, had the death of charlie parker.

parkers death was super pathetic and sad. he was in terrible health at 34 years of age. the doctor said he had the body of a 50-60 year old. so he used to do drugs, I think heroin, but then got off that, but then he was drinking heavily at the end of his life. he just keeled over and died one day at age 34, they said it was pneumonia and also some cirrhosis of the liver. he would wander around all night and appear disheveled and mad and crazy. i suspect he was bipolar and tried to “control” it with alcohol, which didnt help. and rather than go to a doctor, he just died in front of the tv. not sure how much he was drinking that night. heavy drinkers will over drink so much they start puking blood and will go to the hospital, where the dr says, you better stop drinking NOW, you have no liver left, you have the liver of a 90 year old man, if you keep drinking, you will die.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Parker

yeah it was sad an pathetic. but i dont like that he was having children with a white woman, well really thats more her fault. an early mudshark.

i dunno. this could be a problem for me. i genuinely enjoy jazz and have for many years, but its almost inherently black and j00ish and degenerate. its not super popular wiht the 1488 crowd hahahahahaha.  yeah well i dont care, I will be the 1488 guy who likes jazz. it doesnt mean I support the degeneracy of many major jazz musicians. modern jazz quartet made a point of not being degenerate.  also, how degenerate was MONK. I agree with everyone, monk was amazing and I dont think he did mad drugs like parker, davis, coltrane.

jazz was sponsored by a rothschild hahahaha the baroness pannonice whatever. oy vey. not good. bad 1488er hahaha.

anyway i dont think monk was heavy into drugs, though he prob sm0ked some MJ. he was just crazy which was either autism or schizophrenia.

to all the jazz guys who had problems with heroin and alcohol, i wonder, why didnt they just sm0ke tons of MJ instead?????

dave brubeck was NOT J00ish. wow. this is the first time I have gotten a false positive on my Jdar. many J’s can pass as huhwhyte, but I’ve seen very few huhwhytes who I thought were J’ish. I fully assumed brubeck was a J but even J’ish News is saying that he was not one of them. but he was a philosemitic Mensch who was mentored by J’ish composers hahaha.

but brubeck did not seem like a hueg degenerate. and he was technically huhwhyte. might be the perfect jazz person for me as a 1488er hahaha.

hmm i did not realize miles davis died in 1991 at age 65 or so. I thought he died younger of drugs. well good for him for getting off drugs.

also brubeck became a CATHOLIC later in life after being an atheist. that is pretty good.

yeah really im more interested in musicians personal lives than the music they made. if i like their personal lives, then I might try listening to their music.

i mean i am interested in peoples personal lives in general: their relationships, their failures, their struggles, their insecurities, their doubts, their worries. them falling in luv, them getting heartbroken, how they get along with people, etc. who they really are. their  morals, how they treat people, if they are cowards or deadbeats, or if they are decent people. the drugs they take. are they a degenerate. this is the stuff that really matters to me. about anyone.

there is “cool jazz” which may have been started by miles davis on “birth of the cool” and became associated with the west coast. brubeck may have also been associated with this. it was much more laid back and chill than the bebop stuff. which I like, but I also like the laid back stuff. not to be confused with “smooth jazz” which sounds too overproduced and sterile and corny to me.

how does valentina hot sauce compare to the more popular cholula hot sauce….dont know. i cant remember what cholula tastes like. if its anything like franks red hot, no thank you. its not that its bad, its just overplayed.

coltrane also got off of heroin long before he died of cancer at age 50 or 60 something.

yes i know ken burns is a neocon “classicist” who is patronizing and hates blacks hahahahahahahaha so only naive rich white benevolent racists watch his documentaries of white privilege hahaha and nod their heads and say this is great, while true marxist revolutionary sjw’s curl their lip and say this is insulting and offensive and such a whitewashed history. he’s so tone deaf and inplicitly, systematically racist. he is on the wrong side of history. only uneducated white racists watch ken burns documentaries. dont even get me started on “the civil war” hahahaha.

i dont like ken burns either but daaaaamn he;s just not antiwhite enough for the 2010s.  peak shitlib.

waaaaah SHE wasnt a huge shitlib and was probably open to being redpilled by me waaaaaah

now she can get redpilled and Fooked Hard and Deep by a more manly red pill man.

was I UNFAIR to HER by falling in love with her? YES, OF COURSE. YES, OF COURSE I PUT HER in a hard spot. yes of course it was technically UNFAIR. it was UNFAIR but not necessarily Wrong or Bad. It was a good thing that happened at a bad time.

cannot seem to get below 148 pounds. keep jumping between 148 and 150 pounds. kind of frustating, especially since I have been technically ok with muh calories.

i just wish women were more nervous about secs. I mean, you CAN get pregnant from this. this IS how life is created. be a little more discerning and CAREFUL about when, how often, and to whom you Open Your Legs and Life Creator. RESPECT THE PROCESS hahahahahahahahahaha.

but seriously. RESPECT THE PROCESS.

you should be MORE nervous than the man.

and women think its WEIRD that I get nervous about secs. and they just say, its ONLY SECS, dont you have a lot of experience in casual secs like everyone else including me does?

I would like to be with someone long term enough where I can start to not be so nervous about the secs. but I am also nervous about them dumping me hhahahaha. cuz normally its shortly after we start getting “intimate” that they dump me. they being the two women I have ever gotten intimate with, over 10 years ago hahahaha. but believe me the normie women I see regularly seem even MOAR slutty than these women. you can just tell theyve been with too many guys hahaha. but not THAT woman. well, now she may be starting to become a slut. why would she go down that path? just choose me! dont choose a life of degeneracy! choose someone who cares about you, has your best interests in mind, is thinking about the long term, and who will support you….morally/ emotionally if not financially. because all women make more than i do hahahahaha. including her.

shit. i hate how i was so wrong, and i cant even trust my own mind or judgment anymore.

like Thirsty Lonely Omega Virgins like me tend to mistake friendliness from a woman, for Secsy Interest.

And Thirsty Lonely Virgins probably also mistake Normal Average Friendship for “close, intimate friendship”, because they are that lonely and desperate.

so she saw me as just an average friend, but I was so lonely and desperate I saw her as a GOOD friend.

well…. i didnt really mistake her friendliness as interest in me…..except when i was first becoming friends with her. I thought it was WEIRD she was being so friendly to me when she had a BF, so…..i tried not to get too close to her, and encouraged her to work things out with her BF.

see, thats where a Respectful Ending would come in handy. it would answer some important questions, like, how important of a friend was I to HER? higher importance or lower importance? was I WRONG in thinking she thought of me as a good/important/strong friend? or did she think of me as just a casual acquaintance the whole time? and I hate doubting my judgment on that.  was I just THAT lonely and desperate for any female attention? or did we actually have a mutually-recognized important friendship? From the way it ended, it’s impossible for me to know. but that COULD have been cleared up. Indeed I asked for clarification on that issue. didnt get it.

well, i think it WAS more than a casual acquaintance, and it WAS a serious deep important friendship to her, because she told me things she said she had never told anyone else. So I took that pretty seriously. As I should, I think. I appreciated being held in high trust like that. indeed I never betrayed it! but I worried she thought I betrayed it.

but yeah the point for today, 9 months after writing her the last email, is….how right or wrong was I about saying yeah she WAS a good friend and yeah we DID have an important, valuable friendship? OR WAS IT ALL IN MY HEAD??? I dont WANT it to be all in my head, because what ELSE am I wrong about?

so yeah, I think the rational conclusion is, dont get it twisted, it WAS an important friendship, and I was NOT wrong about that.

what are some things that look wrong to the untrained layman, but to the expert, everything is ok, and you have to convince the layman why thats not a bug, thats a feature, this thing is working as intended, you think its wrong because you have no sense of judgment and here’s why.

so we had to do that regularly in muh job and I hated doing it. because I was essentially a layman myself, and I didn’t understand why it was a feature and not a bug.

Wish I wrote down more examples, cuz then I could have more specific stories to tell in interviews.

but today I was in church and the choir/musicians, well there were it sounded like 2 guitar players and at least one of them was out of tune, and was also a really shitty player. sounded like they had been playing guitar less than 3 months. at best, it sounded like they had not practiced these songs at ALL.

and then I doubted my judgment. Maybe I’M WRONG, and this shit is actually GOOD. who am I to say he’s out of tune and out of rhythm? Am I an expert musician? how can I tell?

but then I thought, even the average layman nonmusician can tell when music is out of tune, or out of time, or sounds shitty and unrehearsed. it just sounds bad because it IS bad.

also I have “played” some sort of guitar for like 17 years so yes I AM kinda an expert.

and I used to get frustrated at how many people could not tell when they were BLATANTLY out of tune. like this guy. Guitars go out of tune easily, but it just takes 1 minute to put them back in tune.

A Best Practice before any musical performance is to make sure all the instruments are in tune, or at least in tune with each other. right? right? i’m no musical director tho……

so it depends on the thing I guess. music is much more obvious and straightforward than stupid software and systems. a layman can tell when a performer is out of tune. however a layman can’t tell when the program is or isn’t having a bug.

sure a layman can have an intuition that something sucks…….but his intuition is wrong.

i guess music is much more intuitive than Software User Experience hahahahaha.

but you are entitled to your opinion to say that Your User Experience sucks. doesnt mean the Developers need to listen to your Cost-Prohibitive Suggestions.

how does SHE deal with these situations? because these are the type of situations both me and her had to deal with. I have no idea. She wouldnt let me into that world. she wouldn’t let me into any of her worlds hahahaha. and even though we were now Just Work Friends, she wouldnt even talk to me about Work, and when I would ask her specific work questions she would just say idk lol. idk lol was her response to everything lol.

that was/is really fookin annoying. I’m trying to talk to you about serious shit and all you can say is idk lol ikr lol.

Is this just how 25 year old women are? it sounds more like a 16 year old gurl.

but I luved her because she hadnt taken as many cox as the average american 16 year old gurl who by age 16, has taken 16 cox or moar hahahaha.

took a half dose of nyquil. did not wait 3 days this time. only 2. oh well. still a lot better than 1 day.

ok. so MJ dispensaries are all cash only businesses because MJ is still federally illegal. but what stops dispensary owners from depositing that cash into regular banks. i mean does the bank demand proof of where that money came from?

does the revenue a business makes technically “flow through” the business owner and essentially become his personal income?

so there is this interesting side industry of i dunno private banks, where heavily armed security guards guard piles of cash made by dispensaries. ex military men with big guns. so what keeps them from stealing some of the money? how can the cash owner get ez access to his funds? what if the pseudobankers get robbed?

dunno. if a dispensary owner were contacting me for expert advice, i would say they are screwed. you want better explanation, pay 400 bucks an hour for an attorney. not 15 bucks an hour for me.

being a 21 year old virgin really is not all that weird.

but being a 25 year old virgin IS.

and being a 30 year old virgin is just incomprehensibly weird that you can’t even admit to it without getting extremely shamed as a monster and huge weirdo.

well what about a 23 year old virgin then?

27 year old virgin?

but yeah i want to just be somewhat comfortable with a woman: comfortable that they won’t leave me very soon, that I can have secs with them like 10 times at least and become comfortable with secs with them. all young women have experienced a rel like this, including my nonslutty female friend, but many men have never been omfortable with secs with anyone ever.

i am jelly of anyone who has ever been comfortable with secs. i am always so nervous about getting the gurl preggers…..but i dont like most forms of birth control, like the Oral Pill, or stuff that affects wimminz already crazy hormones. its so much easier to wear a rubber. i dont have a problem with that whatsoever! the 2 times i had secs i used a rubber hahaha. well the gurl kinda insisted on it. i dont know if she was using a Pill. we didnt know each other that well to discuss such an intimate thing, hahaha. but she knew me well enough to fook me, becuase its just secs! its not a big deal! i dont owe this guy an explanation of if im on the pill or not. just have him use a rubber.

shit many gurls will just get drunk and not care about you wearing a rubber. i could see That Woman doing such a thing, and idiotically getting Hepatitis from some sleazebag that way. cuz she was too dumb to insist on a rubber.

fookin nyquil. kinda using that as muh MJ hahaha.  i shoulda used more nyquil while doing my job. that is, come home and IMMEDIATELY take a half dose, and then I should be good for working the next day. calm muh t1ts and get 10 hours of sleep.

the prob is when you crash madly to sleep, but then you wake up like 5 hours later and stay awake for 1 to 2 hours before finally managing to get to sleep. also you get very thirsty. you need to drink a lot of water, which in turn makes you peepee a lot, which in turn will wake you up.

anyway i would much rather be smokin MJ.

 

 

 

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT / THATLL DO, YA PIG

1011

it has been like 87 or so days, surviving barely. starting t get over it. might be 25% over it by now. therefore, 360 days to be 100% not bad! i have been predicting anywhere from 11 months to 1 year to 20 months. i will take 1 year! thats not too bad for a Complete and Total Heartbreak! I was In True Luv and got my heart ripped out and slaughtered!!!!!

so yeah. she was exhibiting many of dr gottmans “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, which are stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and….defensiveness

http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/29/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes

anyway perhaps defensiveness is a prelude to stonewalling. make the other person the bad guy by just shutting down so them even wanting to talk to you seems like an invasive act of aggression. dont violate me bad man. i dont have to talk!

no you really dont, but it would be really NICE.

these women of today hahahaha. they never want to work things out, they never want to try, they just want to QUIT. that feels bad man, when a woman would rather QUIT on you than work on shit, because they know they’re Just Not Into You At All. theres nothing to fix. just walk away.

well in my case i was always dumped essentially because there was no real feelings.

also its stupid that you have to bang a woman FAST or youll never get to bang her at all, otherwise she will put you in the friendzone hahahaha. what if you dont like women who move fast, because you rightfully think they are Sluts? Decent Women dont give it up Fast. they understand they can get preggers. even if they are on the whorepill hahahahahaha. they forget to take the pill one day, go out have have secs that night with some random guy or one of the fuccboiz, and boom a wild babby appears hahahahaha better go get it taken care of.

do i REALLY KNOW any women like this though?

just like i have the fantasy Perfect Angel women, i have the fantasy Horrible Whore woman, this evil Semen Demon that is the Imaginary Worst Woman Ever. but its not a real person, its imaginary, and then i assume all women are like that, just because she wears too much makeup, or she dresses like a slut hahahaha.

so i look for women who dont wear a lot of makeup and who dont dress ike sluts hahaha.

anyway i had most of the Four Horsemen in muh rel with the woman. except for criticism really because she just didnt talk to me enough.

well what did i learn. always communicate with the woman early. learn how to say WE NEED TO TALK. write them an email or text if she is not talking and you HAVE to say something. think from the very beginning, could you ever bang this girl? date this gurl? even if you are “respectful” of her rel with her boifran. force yourself to forget about the boifran and just meditate on you and her. is there anything there? tell the woman the INSTANT you think there is. constantly talk openly about her rel with the bf and your rel with her. shit try to bang her as soon as possible, becuase if it doesnt happen SOON, it will NEVER happen, and what if you wanted to date her 2 years in the future and she wont give you a chance because you didnt bang her when you first met her and didnt trust her or know her hahahahahahahaha. because that the best time for a woman to play Russian Roullette with Human Life. with guys she barely knows or trusts. see how the LEFT has degraded our women? in addition to promoting this kind of “IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT” and “Consent is the only thing that matters” view of sex for women, the LEFT also DESTROYS the nuclear family by removing fathers, who are crucial in raising well raised children. otherwise you children raised by Slut Single Mothers, and the children turn out to be Sluts, Bitches, Psychos, Deadbeats, Losers, Degenerates, Thugs, Sissies, Neckbeards, Failures.

anyway I DESERVED TO BE TREATED BETTER. I WAS WRONGED. I WAS SCREWED OVER.

well i think about woman3/2005. the closest to a dating rel i ever had. she dumped me but i dont think i realized It Was Over, becuase i continued to talk to her on the phone. but i didnt really hang out with her as much. well, i saw her and we talked and i helped her with moving and shit, but we never hung out one on one at night, where we could Make Out or even more. because she had dumped me you see. but i think i was thinking, well we can still make out and shit, i just have to be ok that she might do this with other guys too. i convinced myself that i didnt care. and because she was superficially nice to me still, i thought There Was A CHance.

so what happened. after a few months of this ambivalence, i began getting more angry and frustrated. i would see her and get mad and jealous. cuz i would see her hanging out with her ex boifran. that made me get mad. then i was just angry and passive aggressive at her a lot. then somewhere in there i managed to make out with her a little more. for about a week i was very hopeful we’d “get back together.” but really i had just worn her down with my abusive manipulation and she had no choice hahahahahahahahahaha.

but then i was mad again when we stopped making out, and i still saw her, and the “Ex” boifran, and was constantly angry at her, she was my “nemesis,” etc.

this is why its good to say ITS OVER, 100% and then to STOP talking and hanging out and seeing each other. so the Dumped/Dumpee knows that its REALLY over.

thats why i got so damn mad at her. but i forgave her eventually. took at least a year or even two for me to understand and forgive though hahahaha.

but yeah thats what happens when you get dumped and then you have to deal with the dumper on a regular basis afterwards. it is hard as fook and you get angry and stupid. and you are still desperate to try to get them back. horrible way to be. and you look like the bad guy because you are so angry and hateful and you look like a damn abuser. at that time i was getting horribly drunk and wrecking muh future.

she was too scared just to tell me “ITS OVER”. and i hated her and thought she was the worst person in the world, horrible slut, etc. now i think she was way less horrible than woman2015. she actually had at least 2 talks with me, the second time to say yeah i didnt think you liked me so much and this was hurting you so much, essentially apologizing or at least giving a shred of sympathy, like im sorry youre hurting so much, i didnt realize you had such deep feelz. so that was kinda kewl. but then i continued to be a bitch and was really not the better person. it was like i wanted to punish her for ever toying with me. but i was clearly stuck in the past and she had clearly moved on. looking at it now i am really embarrassed. i know i got drunk and did some stupid shit. not abusive but just showed it was still butthurt. the alcohol did not help. and i was drinking too much.

anyway thank god i am not doing that now. but anyway i prob had stronger feelings for woman2015 than woman2005 (aka woman3) ! and i KNOW that having WORK around her after she had rejected me was a recipe for disaster. i would have been a mix of anger at her, and desperately trying to “win her back” in a pathetic, angry way, like i can live without uuuuuuu hahahaha. also the job made me anxious enough. constant anxiety. and she gave me constant anxiety.

alot of that is on me because not everything in the world should give me such bad anxiety. but believe me this job would give even an average normie SOME anxiety, and same with the woman situation.

i guess the good news is……..oh yeah. i cant exist in any sort of friendzone. or as a “beta orbiter.” as soon as i get feelings for a gurl, i have to not Bottle It Up, and declare my feelings, and make the woman respond to it somehow. usually (aka always hahahaha) rejecting the feelings and our “friendship” ending. well because i am honest and essentially say i dont wanna be Just Friends any more, i want to be More THan Friends. then they say no and i say ok then IM done. this one jsut had that happen in the worst messiest stupidest way.

but there is no friendzone and etneral orbiter for ME!

DONT BOTTLE IT UP, BLURT IT OUT!

also ask yourself, is my female platonic friend attractive at all? how would i feel about fooking her? honestly. think abotu it for a couple weeks. what if she were single and available? basically….damn i hate to say force yourself to get feelings early! but maybe force yourself to get Secsual attraction early? this one is hard to describe.

all this assumes that you have met a decent woman who you get along with very well and now she is your friend and you were like wow that was easy, we really get along well, she is a really great person, too bad im not attracted to her, i hope she figures out stuff with her boifran.

then ask yourself: WHY are you not attracted to her? because of VALID reasons liek she’s fat or ugly or old or has kids? or for stupid ass autistic stupid INVALID reasons like “idk it feels weird” or she has a weird chin or a weird shaped head, but otherwise she is not ugly at all and is young, childless, nice skin, nice hair, etc.

what about STUMPY. or she has a very weird shaped Ass. well, i honestly dont like stumpy. weird shaped ass i can deal with a lot better than stumpy. woman2015 was the antithesis of stumpy, long arms and legs and that is kind my TYPE. her “weird shaped ass” was actually very NICE, but it was hard to tell what it looked like because she didnt wear SKIN TIGHT SLUT CLOTHES like most young women.

anyway. it sucks being so anxious at your job, getting your mind melted like taking a tuff exam all day every day, and THEN when you get home youre EXHAUSTED, but not TIRED, because your mind is RACING with half-thoughts and random weird shit popping in and out. you say this is fooking STUPID, and you are worried about the next day and the weird shit you’ll get then, so it actually relieves some anxiety to go to your work website and read cases, read knowledge base, read documentation, study the “textbook” and the “problems” so to speak. so you do that for 1-2 hours, perhaps while writing/journaling to Blow Off Steam, about how ridiculous the shit is, but you’ve got so much steam and so many racing thoughts that how the hell are you gonna relax and get to sleep?

smoking fooktons of MJ as soon as you get home is ideal, cuz then in a few hours you will relax and be able to sleep. but this isnt always doable. in fact only a minority of the time. because you dont know anyone who can get you MJ, or youre not gainfully employed enough to justify partaking MJ, or you dont have the privacy, etc.

its pretty likely that drinking a shit ton would help numb/clear your mind, but you would have to have at LEAST 5 drinks, at LEAST, and its hard to have 5 drinks without that turning into 8 or 10 or 12, and there is no way you could do the work with a HANGOVER the next day!

or that horrible feel when you wake up in the morning after shitty nonrestful manic sleep, and you think oh shit i couldnt have got more than 2 hours of sleep, i have no idea how i am gonna MAKE IT through today! but somehoe you do and by then youve been racking your brain again all day so you think well i could TRY going to bed right upon arriving home, neglect muh family, OR i could realize that i will lay there in bed with my mind racing abotu work ANYWAY, so i MIGHT AS WELL read the cases, read the knowledge base, try to KNOW EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING and STUDY MOAR. study for  1.5-2 hours until youve said IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!  and then i guess the idea then would be to either smoke MJ, get raging drunk, or go for a Huge JOG (no time for walk jog) until you are completely physically exhausted. 5 mile jog at least, i dunno. that would probably help.

i actually didnt hate the studying, it was easier for me to concentrate and retain information when i wasnt On A Call, Furiously Flailing to figure something out while the caller was on Hold and i was surrounded by Lost Souls doing the same thing. but to sit quietly at home, reading the shit, listening to some soothing music, no phones ringing, no people on hold, no case that needs to be solved right now, just trying to learn shit and put peices together, big picture and micro picture. sometimes with a nice MJ buzz going if i could get away with it. maybe exchanging some friendly nice texts with female friend and just gushing with feels especially when she gave me a 🙂 or especially the text heart ❤ which she did not give away like a whore spreading her cvnt, but once in a while, when i really touched her feels hahahaha. and then i would send a ❤ back and feel like we were Sharing True Love hahahahaha. i had a real hardon for those stupid hearts hahahaha.

well at that time i would get out 3 or 4 hours earlier than her and go home and study and she would still be there when it was a little bit slower, and i would text her while she was there and try to give her “moral support” which she was cutting off her moral support to me.  well not entirely. in fact i thought everything was consistent with the family stress she had, i thought that fully explained her distance, plus she still responded to my texts, she still used smileys and sometimes even the long sought after heart, so…..mixed messages galore hahahaha. it was weird. you could text me but you couldnt talk to me, and damn sure couldnt hang out with me.

now i can see the obvious answer is to TEXT HER “hey btw i think im starting to get feelings for u” and BOOM DONE.  but when you are under that much STRESS, you CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT. you lose your JUDGMENT. your ability to BE LOGICAL. i HATE that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your Cognitions are Emotionally COmpromised!

and this is a VERY difficult mindset with which to do a demanding, fast-paced, high stress, rock and a hard place, constant confusion, super overwhelming JOB.

i still have that unclear mind. still cant think quite straight. still very angry and disappointed and damn.

but yeah. women these days. they have such little respect for their men they would just rather WALK AWAY. like the “deadbeat dad” they might have had. just walk away from your responsibility because you dont want to make the effort to fix it. because youve convinced yourself it can’t be fixed, or you dont care if its fixed, you dont want it to be fixed, you just want to  be done with them. STUPID SHIT.

i still want her to “wake up” and damn email me. ya damn n199er hahahaha. i like this “the right stuff.biz” because they have FUN and have a sense of humor and are just a bunch of friendly young men instead of a bunch of bitter angry failure loser basement dweller men hahahaha. they have wives and gurlfrans and are successful normies, just the kind of people we need in the Movement. Racially Aware, Traditionalist, Far Right. No Enemies on the Right.

they had this podcast on soundcloud called “saturday night l’chaim” where the opening “skit” was a black slave escaping from his evil white “massa” who was whipping the slave and calling him a “damn n199er” as the slave begged for mercy saying “no mo massa, no mo!” this is my kind of humor and even reminded me of a short story i once wrote (2006?) only there it wasn’t slaves escaping the massa, it was Wage Slaves Working For A Living and lamenting how pathetic and sad their lives were, working 100 hours a week, making 1 cent an hour, having fat ugly cheating wives, being a lonely bachelor who hasnt been with a woman in 10 years, having to take care of dying relatives after coming home from a 20 hour shift, with no time for a 5 minute Smoke Break before the Boss Massa comes around looking to give them a whipping. i was on a job search and not having much success hahahaha.

i dunno. i think it is actually helpful to say YEP I WAS WRONGED. I WAS DONE WRONG. THAT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME. because thats a way of REjecting the False Belief of: I Was Entirely To Blame. This Is All My Fault. I MADE her Do this. Im the Bad guy.

because it recognizes that i am not the bad guy, and that she did have some damn agency and responsibility and could have treated me better! damn right!!!!!

heh. i would LUV to have a female fook buddy right now, it would totally help get my mind off her, make me feel liek a virile desirable masculine man. and its a lot easier for women to find fook buddies than men, for reasons that should NEVER have to be explained to ANYBODY. but i think this allows women to get over Breakups easier, cuz they are out slutting it up with casual secs with their fook buddies, and this helps them “Get their groove back.” average beta men do not have this luxury, so they wither away in the dead world of No Confidence and Self Pity.

come early and stay late at your job and suck off people who are on YOUR LEVEL to give you training on how to do your incredibly, mind bogglingly complicated confusing job. be like thank you massa, please massa, i will buy you lunch and dinner and starbucks and tim hortonz for training me with this wisdom. and they might say no you dont need to do that, just stop supplicating like a damn beggar hahahaha.

the other thought i had was to have a stash of quarters and then whenever someone gives you advice or answers a question, give them a quarter. kinda like people who offer you a quarter for a cigarette. well 2 quarters would be better for a cig hahahaha. or give the people who help you a cig.

or krispy kreme donuts. every week bring in at least 1 box of krispy kreme donuts, put them in the kitchen or wherever, and leave a big note saying “have a great day everyone! from [YOUR NAME]”

basically just BRIBING people SHAMELESSLY to NOT treat you like a piece of shit.

this is what you have to do to make it in the world.

note: that will not work with women, because they will RIGHTLY see you as a Supplicating Beta.

So i guess you could try the Alpha Approach at WORK, as well as with Women. not sure how to do that at all hahahaha. i usually try to throw in some kind of signal to “prove i’m not stupid” ie i’ve tried this and it didnt work, and i THINK the answer is related to xyz, but im just not familiar enough with this system to know, is there any advice to point me in the right direction so i can save some time, therefore saving the company money and making our Clients Happy? thank you in advance and help yourself to a donut in the break room.”

and buy 10 boxes of donuts a day. hahahaha.

no really you can build a lot of goodwill with a box of donuts or a $5 pizza. people LOVE FREE FOOD. or coffee.

so yeah bring in free food until everybody likes you. and if they think youre a SUCK UP or a KISS ASS, SO WHAT. better to be a KISS ASS and liked by the higher ups, cuz then they will be less of bitches to you than the people who dont kiss ass. you kiss ass so you can get preferential treatment for yourself.

but maybe what people dont like is when you are OBVIOUSLY kissing ass and dont REALLY like anyone. and sometimes i was a little OBVIOUS about my ass kissing.  well because i was scared and anxious too. desperate to people please. shit.

ok got in another 4.2 miler.  listening to the damn matt forney podcast, not bad. he talks too fast but hes pretty funny and his topics are always good. i am still trying to connect him to the ferdinand bardamu from years ago. (yes i realize what the reference is to). i figured ferdinand would be a little older than me, but it turns out forney is a little younger than me, so naturally that doesnt make me feel good, this “young” man doing more with his life. but he is a good writer, a good talker, and deserves to make a living off what he does. being a writer and talker and personality. plus i like that he does a lot of interviews and sees the big picture.

in a way i have been “around” the “manosphere” since 2008, 2007ish, before there was a big picture. i was drawn to Game and Truth About Women blogs because i was insecure about rejected and dumped all the time hahahah. how could i make women be actually attracted to me and stop damn dumping me. have them see me as somebody they wanted to be with. keep a damn woman around for more than a few months hahahaha. so yeah the reason was because i was a needy beta obviously.

but i could make friends with women!

well, so can millions of beta orbiters. really i am just graduating from v9k to r9k with that one. graduated from kissless virgin to friendzoned beta orbiter and can occasionally get short term secs with crazy sluts. fatherless, bipolar, borderline, single mothers, tattoos, piercings, waitresses, postwall, high mileage. not the type of woman you want to marry or even date. although if they are crazy, young, no kids, no tattoos, middle class, then the crazy wont be enough to scare you away hahahaha. i ran into that problem. but i dont think at this age, with my lack of potential, i’ll run into it again! that if i manage to pull some crazy gurls, they will have a few other significant strikes against them, see above.

matt forney spoke in a podcast about hate mail he got for an article he wrote about “5 reasons women with tattoos or piercings are Broken Women” which was one of his most hated articles, hahaha. anyway he got a shitload of hate mail from pro-tattoo women who called him a small dicked basement dwellling neckbeard loser woman hater who obviously was butthurt abotu being dumped by a gurl with tattoos.

and then i thought…..SO WHAT? so what if he was dumped by a crazy gurl with tattoos? doesnt he have the right to be angry about that?

well sure he does!

does he have the right to write about it?

probably yes. maybe make the person anonymous and say he’s writing about one particular person and that Not All Tattooed Women Are Like That.

but thats the thing about Not all women are like that, is that this is the exception not the rule! most women ARE like that! or they can be easily swayed into becoming liek That! of course most tattooed women are like that!

so muh female friend was not a slut, but she was an Abandoner and a coward and even more Emotionally Retarded than I am!!!! which is saying a lot. cuz i let my negative emotions get out of control and allow them to Derail muh whole life. but i know how to have Empathy and Sympathy for others.

but its hard to have absolute empathy. possibly she has no idea how MUCH i was hurt, so she doesnt feel that bad, if at all. heh. well if i didnt feel HORRIBLE, i wouldnt have quit muh damn job. but i wanted to quit muh job ANYWAY hahahaha.

also its a LOT EASIER to just Throw Someone Away like garbage when you dont have Luving Feelings for them.

its a lot easier to throw away a friend rather than a lover.

and i wasnt much of a friend anymore in her book. she was already detaching from me for a long time. the “friendship” was on its last leg. plus she didnt really like me any more, she was annoyed thoroughly at me.

so….thats why it was so EASY for her to throw me away, and why she didnt feel too bad/guilty about it. she didnt even LIKE me. she was annoyed and angry and contemptuous about me. she just wanted to WASH HER HANDS of me.

but i was in LOVE with her, so being thrown away HURT 90000000000000 times more!

for her it wasnt even like “throwing away”, it was kinda like cringingly scooping up a dead disgusting centipede off the floor and flushing it down the toilet.

well, in other words, she didnt think she was “throwing me away.” it was more like sweeping away dead skin or dust or hairballs off the floor, rather than Selling Out A Special Person.

She was special to ME, I was not special to her. so its not a big deal for her to turn her back on me. but since i was in LOVE with her, it was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING to me!!!!!!!

it all makes perfect sense now hahahaha.

but yeah it was shocking becuase i thought i was just a little bit more special to her than THAT. I thought she still had SOME regard for me. some respect for what we once had. maybe she did, but she sure didnt act like it, and she’ll never talk to me about it, so i will never know.

but yeah. if it would have been too hurtful to HER to throw me away, she simply wouldnt have done it! it would have been less painful to talk to me! but as it was, it was more painful to talk to me than to “throw me away.”

i call it throwing me away. she called it something that she just had to do because she couldnt handle me anymore.

well you can see how that makes me feel like a million bucks. people just cant take me anymore so they cut off all contact forever. great. really makes me feel good about myself hahahaha.

so yeah she knew i was kinda Sensitive and this would hurt me! so just talk to me!

but that was too hard. easy way out remember? ive done it myself. i kinda did it by quitting the job.

not that this is easy! but it is probably easier than staying at that shit job, and seeing her for 8 or even 4 hours a day.

i am just a little butthurt though because the job was finally starting to become slightly less shit. because i was off of inbound phones thank god, and i was starting to earn respect from the faggot higherups because i actually knew the super confusing shit that i fought so hard to understand. with no help from the level 2’s. WELL except 1 or two of them who were not dicks to me. that was part of the Company Culture. Level 2’s were Dicks to Level 1’s, becuase level 1s did not learn super confusing shit fast enough. and they were butthurt they had to help us. so they gave us shitty help and were very stubborn to escalate shit we obviously couldnt handle. just constant fookin ball busting. giving bullshit answers we could never tell the caller. we wanted to say well YOU come here and talk to them asshole, but they would just laugh. they didnt have to talk to anyone.

WELL, some of the level 2’s did, them i didnt hate as much.

but increasingly they were pulling level 1’s into that job. instead of promoting them. there were no promotions ever. i never saw anyone get promoted at least.

well sorry thats a lie. i saw ONE person get promoted. pretty notably. shot up from level 1 to level 3. it was pretty controversial. good guy but why not promote a level 2 who had been there longer? because that doesnt matter. and this was the one and only promotion i had ever seen of anybody in 12 months of being there.

there was a lot of Couples at the place. i mean there are a lot of people in this world desperate for a job and this place hires a bunch of people every year cuz high turnover, so somebody gets in, then they refer their bf or gf in soon after, cuz we all need shitty jobs. i think this is a good thing cuz they can give each other moral support on the job, and they can Quiz and Study and Talk about Job Knowledge while they are off the job. talking abotu the job is a valid way to learn the crazy material, but if you dont hang out with anybody from the job outside of the job, then you dont do this.

and what better way of hanging out with somebody from the job than to be dating them and making secs tapes with them and cheating on them hahahaha.

point is, its gonna help you know the material better to talk with somebody about it, outside of work, for even an hour, on a regular basis. like a STUDY GROUP.

also they can help you on the job and be less likely to be bitchy at you for asking questions, becuase they supposedly luv you.

so maybe i am a narcissist with terrible boundaries. thats why i am so mad when she stopped giving me my “narcissistic supply”  meaning stopped obeying and complying with me. so then i lose my shit when they rebel against my control and manipulation.

well my Rational Response to that Automatic Negative Thought (see dr david d burns, md, “feeling good”, one of muh despair heroes) is….cuz im trying to convince myself that im NOT an evil narcissist! is

i was not trying to manipulate her, i just wanted to talk to her

i didnt KNOW she wanted to throw me away

i had a RIGHT to discuss being thrown away

talking to me would be the mature thing to do if she wanted to end the rel

though i did kinda have boundary issues, namely, i wanted to FUSE with her, and i would let her walk all over me and bust my balls, without standing up for myself and saying this isn’t right, this is not ok, lets talk about this, or else im gonna let YOU go.

i will work on muh boundary issues.

i am pretty selfish and self centered but i am probably not a NARCISSIST. even if having a blog where you talk about your life like its SO IMPORTANT is kinda narcissistic.

heh well its important to ME mother fooker. also i DO want to help others. i am just having a horrible time right now. i am in a LOW here the likes of which i have not been in since….2008 or so. 2009. well before this blog even began. i was doing GOOD then. when i am doing well then i can speak to the losers better. but right now i am in the DEPTHS of my own loserness. shit has gotten REAL.

looking at the map again, the capital of lichtenstein is vaduz. hahaha. i would have been a good traveler during muh 20s hahahahaha.

i wish i grew up in europe hahahaha. it is easier for you to be normie and non autistic and get pretty young gurls there. even the most beta male in like romania or hungary or switzerland gets a pretty young gurl hahaha.  sure keep telling yourself that.

see your mind automatically goes to the worst of all worlds. i am not a kissless virgin because i am just am not. i kissed a gurl and had secs with one 10 years ago hahahaha. i am not eternally friendzone becuase when i get feelings i TELL the gurls. and then we are no longer friends hahaha so QED no friendzone. the real problems are the huge secsy dry spell, and basically gurls rejecting me for being more than friends. but i refuse to be trapped in the friendzone. indeed, what i have done recently could be described as BREAKING OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE. well to be accurate, she wasnt really friendzoning me either. she was just praying that that signals i was sending were not true, and backing away slowly. she didnt really want to pretend to be just friends either. she wouldnt even hang out with me. that IMHO is friendzoning, when the gurl knows you like her, and youre too much of a pussy to tell her, AND she still hangs out wiht you and doesnt feel weird about it cuz she doesnt really care that you like her.