WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME?

dec 3

https://www.youtube dot com/watch?v=C2hOJR0hIBY

this “woman” looks like a man, and should not be wearing something so unflattering, and looks part nonwhite, BUT she is appearing on redice, who are Legit Vetted Good Goys and worthy of support, talking about the evils and degeneracy of Jooish Pornography, so thats pretty cool. i just saw this, have not listened yet.

but with a great name like “PORNOGRAPHY: WEAPONIZED DEGENERACY” I got a DOUBLE BONER and downloaded it IMMEDIATELY for listening very soon on a powerwalk! they just should not have put “her” wearing that in the thumbnail. jeez she is so ugly in that picture it undermines all of our credibility hahahahaha. still anything about PORNOGRAPHY: WEAPONIZED DEGENERACY HAS to be a good talk, good lesson, good message.

 

really you should listen to the three hour mix three times a day hahahahahahaha

when we were young, once in a great while we would find a song that was so mind blowingly awesome that we made a “mix cd” of that one song on repeat for 74 minutes.  this one would definitely qualify! although I was not aware of it at that time unfort. Oh I knew about the movie but had no interest in it and had no knowledge of the music.

here is one of those songs hehehe. for some reason we gravitated to ridiculous 80s style “cock rock.”

i am shilling for red ice today. now i dont like how this guest woman dresses like a HOOKER with the eye makeup and earrings and showing the tits, but uh i will try to listen to this one as well. but yeah even though henrik and lana are All Right, sometimes they do have weirdass guests who are jooish or antiwhite hahahaha so just because somebody is ON red ice doesnt mean they are automatically good.

but yeah what red ice is doing, creating their own alt right, pro white media platform/network, is exactly what whites need to do. create a white, joo-free media. our own news, our own tv and radio, and of course podcasts are a great part of this, and its already happening, THANK GOD.

yeah i know red ice did weird alex jones conspiracy shit years ago, but i forgive them hahahaha.

henrik and lana just need to have 3+ children and hire some white men to do red ice.

i would become a sustaining member of red ice but their prices are too damn high hahahahaha.

65 euros a YEAR?  that is like 66 dollars a year. i would maybe do 20.

i mean they DESERVE it, i just cant/dont want to dnate that much!

i mean its more for ME than THEM, so i can FEEL GOOD about myself, and really i need all of THAT i can get!

there is this catholic church sorta near me that is geared towards polish people, and i hear that polish catholics are some of the most hardcore Based Catholics hahahaha. they are proud of their polish blood and dont have open arms for a bunch of screaming asians and mestizos and browns and arabs which you see in many cath churches. plus i have some polish blood and love poles. love them. would love a nice polish gurl for a qt 3.1488 waifu. poland is definitely a top tier european country.

problem is this place doesnt just have one polish mass a week, they have nothing BUT polish mass and EVERYTHING is in polish, church website, church bulletin/newsletter.

actually this is not a problem at all, this is a fookin BENEFIT. cuz it means they are traditional and old school as fook.

so i could just go there and be like

¯\_ツ_/¯   ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯     ¯\_ツ_/¯       ¯\_ツ_/¯      ¯\_ツ_/¯

and say dzien dobry, jak sie maz (????), sto lat, dzienkuje, boze dobry, boze dobrze rzarzarzarza, ja nie movi polakiu, and then they would say oh look hes trying, how nice, then they could hook me up with their 19 year old virgin daughter who could teach me polakiu hahahaha and i could put babies in her for 14k a year hahahahaha.

sheeeeeeit those women are TOO GOOD for me!

乁(⏓ ͜つ⏓)ㄏ

2016-12-03-20_36_03-cardamom-0-02_0-04-no-limit-holdem-replay-13464295

this fookin guy makes a huge raise when he flops a pair of 8s. glad i agressively went all in instead of thinking he had AA and folding! or 88 or 66 or 22 hehehe.

no thats not 7 dollars and 45 cents, thats .00745 btc, which is…. 5 dollars and 71 cents. YIKES. well the price of BTC has gone up pretty steadily since i started playing this shit like 2 years ago.

so yeah if i had any BALLS like a REAL MAN i would have gone to this polish church 11 fookin years ago!!!!!!!

fooking reddit relships and their different secs BEST FRIENDS. you shouldnt have a BEST FRIEND who is the opposite sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and IM the weirdo and sexist and hateful racist violent trump supporter for thinking this!!!!!!!

or IM weird because i think open relationships are shitty and bad. im being too judgmental and intolerant of peoples valid choice.

well to be fair, reddit says that MOST people

dec 4

 

i am gradually warming up to emily youcis. normally i am very very very very suspicious of women in the movement, but she doesnt seem TOO bad. plus i immediately get more sympathy for the women once they LOSE something like their job or their freedumz. and so she was recently fired by k1ke company aramark (i applied for office clerk job there, no response hahaha) after working for 7 years selling pistachios at the baseball stadium. fired for “social media” reasons.

yeah i mean maybe this was part of her plan and she’s prob not gonna go homeless or sucking dick for a place to stay (not that most women dont already do that anyway hahahahahahahahahaha)

anyway. so i am always judging women for being hookers and sluts and wh0res and promiscuous and degenerate, but in the end, do those things really impact me directly? why do i hate sluts so much? that woman wasn’t a slut! she hurt me through ways that did not involve sluttiness AT ALL!

yeah well in the PAST ive def been hurt by women who were into the slutty casual sex mindframe. also i just find it very distasteful and immoral and degen and a sign of the cultural and spiritual degen which we must fix in our people. and yes it represents something i WANT but cant seem to get, which is given away so freely to Everyone Else but I am fundamentally broken and unable to obtain.

and also i am judgmental against the things that that woman DID do, like avoiding shit like a coward, i dont like that either hahaha.

ok well here’s a good point: at least i never really became a beta orbiter friendzone!!! or if i did, it ended pretty damn quickly!

it kind of proves that i basically will not LET MYSELF become a pathetic supplicating beta orbiter. i eventually have to rip the bandaid off and be like, here’s the obvious truth which i can’t believe you’re not seeing. I CANT GO ON THIS WAY hahahaha.

going to church on sunday today instead of saturday. going to church that is probably better than the one i usu go to. less cucky and marxist and antitrvmp and leftwing. less cucking for DIVERSITY and UNITY and VIBRANCY and all that shit. shit no wonder that church is full of weird asians and this other church seems to have more whites. shit why dont i just go to this other church regularly. or go to that damn polish church. IT DOESNT MATTER that i dont speak polish. i could learn and besides them speaking polish is a YUGGGGGGGGGGGE value add!!!!!!! its a GREAT thing!

yep starting new 13k job tomorrow. kind of a big deal. nervous. dont want to screw it up. dont want to look like a WEIRD IDIOT. just want to do a good job. not just a good job, but a GREAT job and really impress everyone.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit i should have been getting BOOKS related to my NEW FIELD the instant i knew i was hired, and devouring those books to get a good frame of reference, big picture view, maybe some small picture view too, reading the books The Director reads for his PhD, which is of course related to his masters degree and what he does now, The Department, what books are most relevant to this job and this department, thought leaders, bla bla. i quickly bought a book right now so that i could say i at least placed my order for the book before i started the job hahahaha but why i didnt do this 2 weeks ago so i could have had the books and started reading them by now…….hmm maybe i am not serious about making 13k a year with no benefits, maybe WALMART would be a better fit with my career skills.

dumped because he couldnt read the gurls stupid mind. i GUESS shes ENTITLED to dump him for whatever stupid reason she wants, but when the reason is THAT stupid, just candy coat it and dont GIVE an exact reason. i mean thats just a BAD REASON. just say I’m not compatible with you. it’s not you its me. that would be better than saying some stupid ass shit like that.

hehe i made the mistake of initially assuming the “best friend” OP of the gurl was another gurl. hehehe. sounds like he is deeply in luv with her and is in complete denial. but not looking at that, she still should not be Ghosting her friends.

i mean this guy is cringey and beta orbiter AF, and theres a very important lesson to learn there, but she still shouldnt be Ghosting him like a coward, throwing away 3 years of friendship, and getting her new bf to laugh at him and call him pathetic (which he is.)

dont be like this pvssy phaggot. but at least he is getting a CS degree so he might be making 30k a year by age 22. that is a pretty good move.  i mean its still risky because i worked with CS grads doing the exact same phone bullshit as me.

bonus points for OP having mad anxiety and panic attacks that feel like heart attacks and he is so confused hhahaha.

better when you are 21 than 31!

then reddit shreds this kid for being a sexist, creepy niceguy, which he kind of IS, but this ISNT the way to deal with that. you have to show some sympathy for these poor sad bastards. theyre not the bad horrible people you think they are !!!!!!!!

he doesnt need to “RESPECT” her wishes because they’re not respectable. just use the word ACCEPT. ACCEPT her stupid, unrespectable wishes, and let her get fooked by chad. the end.

grieve and have legitimate suffering because your friend of 3 years didnt give a DAMN about you as a human being. i feel your pain man. that sucks. this is the sympathy he’s not getting ANY of and he should.

anyway. i wish you COULD be Just Friends with a woman before Dating and Fooking and Relshiping them, because unless I am Friends with a Woman, i really just dont LIKE them. the way they approach Relships is degenerate and infuriating. I just dont like it. rustles the shit out of me.

I wish you COULD get to know a woman as a friend, be like this is a really good person and i like them, maybe I can try a deeper rel with them, i think they would make a decent GF or wife. i wonder if she will be willing to try that.

NOPE. NEVER WILL. thats what the friendzone is hahahaha. if you dont fook her like a n1993r within 2 days of meeting her, you dont have a chance with making her your GF or wife.

i just hate how the J’s are dumbing us down and jooing us down and morally corrupting us all down into n1993rs.

If you don’t like the word n1993rs, just call em animals. they are turning us all into filthy, dumb, dirty, disgusting ANIMALS.

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!

anyway yeah this reddit niceguy hate is just way out of line. niceguys arent THAT bad. have some damn SYMPATHY for them. save some of that judgment for the women, who in many cases are being huge bitches to the niceguys.

but yeah this guy needs to stay away from this gurl, and there needs to be more blame directed at HER.

when you are begging and bribing somebody to hang out with you. it IS pathetic tho! but its SAD. he doesnt even REALIZE hes in LUV with her. at least I REALIZED that. and i STOPPED contacting her eventually. let her run off and fook animals.

and yeah it would help that guy to go to a shrink, but good lord dont tell him you are SUPER FOOKED UP and must see a shrink NOW if you have any chance of not being a horrible person. they hate these nice guys almost as much as they hate TRVMP or WHITE PEOPLE.

i was thinking in an ideal world, i would just get a dr to prescribe me Medical MJ for Despair and Anxiety, just like getting an RX for Citalopram and Valium. Which I have already gotten RX’s for.

so in an ideal world, despair and anxiety would be legal medical Qualified Conditions for MMJ.  but they arent.

anyway i was thinking, go to semi shady MMJ doctor and be like listen, so i dont have cancer or back pain like most of the people, but i dont want to bullshit you and say i have CARPAL TUNNEL pain when i really dont, but here’s something I REALLY DO HAVE, and have taken RX’s for YEARS to PROVE it, i know they arent TECHNICALLY conditions, but…..hey i’ll buy ya dinner right now, you’re pretty hungry from writing recommendations all day arent ya goy? bubby?

the thing is, i could say that my TREATMENT for OTHER CONDITIONS causes SPASMS, and then i could get MMJ for that. yeah but it doesnt. but i think citalopram causes spasms for some people hahahahaha.

basically the TREATMENT for something Unqualifying, gives me a Backdoor into Qualifying.

but not really, because this treatment doesnt cause spasms or severe pain!

https://www.reddit.com/r/altright/comments/5e7rbu/emily_youcis_animator_of_alfred_alfer_ama/

meh i guess i will approve of emily, she seems to be sincere. hope her animation bcomes less degenerate and she seems to be aware that by joining the alt right and becoming pro white, you kinda HAVE to hold yourself to a higher moral standard and actively purge the degeneracy from your own life.

but she’s only been into this for less than 6 months! i have been into this for like 6 years!!!!!!!

heh i dont really care as long as she is sincere and doesnt stop being pro white. she talks about losing friends and such and purging people. this is good.  purge the dead weight and bad influences from your life. Traditional Morality will alienate you from degenerate animalistic losers. you dont want them to be your friends anyway.

fine i will HUHWHYTE KNIGHT for emily even though shes probably taken MILES AND MILES of dick, prob even nonwhite (no real proof.) but i am willing to forgive, if there is TRUE repentance.

well i dont really like these super big bewbs gurls plus she will probably start to get very potato looking when she gets older. but at age 26 right now she is pretty qt, would hang out with hahahahahahahaha.

i mean better late than never amirite. im no saint myself. you know what they say, all saints have a past and all sinners have a future!

i went to this other church this morning and it was 100000000000000 times better than the one i usually go to. not only was it less boring and faster, there were a lot more whites, some qt young white women as well! i mean i already KNEW this for at LEAST a YEAR!!!!!

like the priest at my regular church, nice guy, good guy, but a pathetic cuck shitlib who is soooo shocked at the hate and racism and intolerance of the whitelash, and desperately wants to overcompensate and Reach Out to Mudslims to show them Not All White Christians are hateful rednecks.

whereas at the other church, no mention of this stuff, just a bunch of happy white people, including many under-40’s.

all the whites at my usual church are well over 40 hehehehe. plenty of nonwhites.

shit. starting NEW JOB tomorrow. have been doing laundry. planning on bringing 1 dozen donuts tom morning. ask people about their families. ask about what are good books for me to read about this field. i am already reading bla bla by bla bla. here’s some donuts. do you guys drink coffee? i can bring in some folgers, i have some extra folgers at home. sorry its not top shelf, but i can bring in a little top shelf closer to xmas. heres some donuts in the meantime. how many kids u got. where are they going to college? tell me about your graduate program. what do you think about the 14 words hahahaha. so how about that election hahahahaha.

can i take a tough phone call right now? what are the toughest problems you get in here from your “customers”? whats the best way to bullshit them and give them the runaround and say it cant be fixed, it is what it is, you dont have to like it hahahahaha jk i know we go above and beyond for our clients wink wink nudge nudge amirite?

besides, everybody knows that when “it is what it is” just wont cut it, you have to bring out it is what it IS what it is what it is. then that fixes everything. that explains everything. that gets angry people to say OH NOW I GET IT, im so sorry for being such a huge bitch. now that i realise that it is what it IS what it is!!!!! see before, i was thinking it IS what it is.

mother fooking phaggot cvntz hahahaha.

i was thinking i dont DESERVE a woman Without A Past, because IIIIII have a past myself!!!!!!!!!!!

ok fine, but i DO insist the woman is TRULY REPENTANT of her degenerate past! says I am ashamed of my past, i never want to have another abortion, or fook another nonwhite, or have any more casual sex!!!!!! its disgusting and here’s why! I REGRET doing all that.

rather than someone that says oh that makes me who i am, i’m not ashamed, i have no regrets.

GOOD PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS.

shit I have tons of regrets, tons of shame, tons of remorse and repentance for all the degenerate animal shit IVE done. so I DO want THAT much from muh formerly degenerate waifu hahahaha.

if you dont have regrets, I DONT WANT TO KNOW YOU hehehehe.

the bad shit youve done SHOULD be regretted.

muh dbt book says to try not to be judgmental. notice all the times you make a judgment throughout the day, bad OR good, and just let them float away like leaves on a stream.  just observe stuff mindfully and without judgment.

this struck me as kinda weird. i can see trying to stop your bad judgments, but the good ones too?

i mean i make 148800000000000000000000000000000000000000000 negative judgments a day. every damn person i see i judge them. i was sitting in church watching the nice white people coming back from communion and i was judging each and every one of them harshy: fatty. f4ggot. dirty dago. ugly. fat slob. pig. dog. disgusting animal. sissy. nice haircut phaggot. nice manbun phaggot. nice potato shaped body. your kids are brats. your wife is a slut. you have dyed hair, you must be a slut. how many cox you take. how many black guys. how many abortions. wow, fat AND a smoker, youre in great health, you no self discipline weakling.

i mean its truly ridiculous how many negative judgments i make about people, many many many times a day. so YEAH i AGREE, trying to be conscious of that and not doing that would be a GREAT step for me.

really i am nowhere NEAR as HATEFUL and judgmental when i am with actual real people. i always think the best of them.

but from a distance, when i am alone just thinking of people in the abstract, or people watching people from a distance, god damn, its a hugeass hatefest!!!!!!

no not violent hate, but still very bitter butthurt negative pessimistic cynical recrimination!

and WHAT DOES IT GET ME?

HOW DO I BENEFIT?

WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO ME?????

NOTHING!

at a more moderate level, it would have been a natural response to people who have hurt me in the past with slutty or immature or fat or ugly or irresponsible behavior.

but the healthy way for me to do that is to say, ok, here are some red flags to watch out for, but im not gonna look for those red flags in EVERYBODY, and im sure not gonna get MAD about it if they havent done anything to ME.

but yeah. its like my automatic reaction to seeing a person, is to have a NEGATIVE JUDGMENT about them. this is not good!

fat, ugly, slut, phaggot, degenerate. usually one of those. douchebag, asshole, bitch, weirdo, autist, spazz, moron.

i cant stop judging people hahahahaha.

STILL, i INSIST that its worse for women to go out there and let themselves be used as pieces of sex meat, that it is for pathetic omega virgins to jerk off to jooish porn. because in one you have essentially two people hurting each other, in the other, you have one loser hurting himself.

but dont get me wrong, porn is horrible and i am ASHAMED and REGRETFUL that i ever looked at it. well, that i looked at it so MUCH.

and tbh, i was only a little above average i think for American Men Of My Generation. Many men are much, much worse. i was nowhere NEAR a Porn Addict.

hmm sorta watching this movie the lost weekend, i mean i had watched this intently a few years ago, and i think after i stopped drinking as well, and had gained some Understanding of the Baffling Cunning “Disease”, and i still found the movie disappointing and corny, and for some reason it seems better now.

i mean ive been on the straight and narrow path here for the last damn 7 years basically. no booze, a little bit of MJ though. not enough imho hahahahahahaha. gradually became more Alt Right, more JQ, less degen, more principled, just a better person hahaha. although unfort more of a virgin neet loser too hahahaha.

well its been up and down tho. ebb and flow.

was driving home and saw this fat guy and his fat wife in my neighborhood who are always sitting in their backyard smoking cigarettes and being fat, and i thought wow, fat and smoking, good choice buddy, and then i thought ok i shouldnt JUDGE him, he very well could be a very very very nice kind man, very courageous, very strong. nobody is perfect, me neither, and so he just happens to be a fat smoker. nobodys perfect and what if he’s very very nice.

how often do i need to bring in donuts? i dont want to more than once every 2 weeks.

you gotta ask the right questions. what if i ask the WRONG questions? what if i ask DUMB questions???!!?!

so show them i am smart by quoting Big Thought Leaders in this Education Related Field. I read some education books right? hehehe yes the only education books i read were “dumbing us down” by gatto and “the unschooling handbook” by some woman.

both very anti establishment sort of stuff. but which may be considered moer establishment in 2016.

i mean i really SHOULD be more interested in the Field of muh job. which all I will say it is SOMEWHAT education related.

so yeah i think education is bullshit ahhahahahahhahahahaha. all education should be handled by parents.

yeah well what about college level stuff. the job im doing COULD ACTUALLY BE LEGIT USEFUL to a HUHWHYTE NATION as regards “homeschooling” college/grad level material to Learners. It’s GOOD because it can put you into direct contact with Experts and Instructors while minimizing the JOOISH DEGEN (((((COLLEGE EXPERIENCE))))), i will just say that.

MINIMIZING IT!

so yeah this is actually a REALLY good position to be in and i shoul dbe  MOAR grateful!

maybe i should bring bagels instead of donuts? i mean i will actually eat bagels later if people dont eat them all. its easier to save and eat bagels later than donuts.

now you could still use this technology to deliver jooish marxist frankfurt skool degeneracy and mindkilling soulkilling poison into the brains of students, but again, its just a TOOL, that can be used for good OR for bad.

if it helps even one white neet get a good paying job one day, then its worth it.

so in a way, i am working in support of my Dream Career by Helping White Neets.  UP FROM NEETNESS.

well, if they are doing education, technically they are not a neet then hahahahahaha. well how about neets who are only involved in education, because its a LOT easier to go to college than to Get A Job. you just pay shitloads of money (take out loans) and go to some shitty school hahahaha.

honestly just go to your local community college. i PROMISE you its not THAT shitty. better than fookin DEVRY. talk about fookin SKYPES.

besides, to get a good job, you cant just have book knowledge and do good in online college courses. you have to be good with PEOPLE. CUSTOMERS. you have to have MAD CHARISMA and not be autistic!

so how do all these autists get jobs?

uhh the ones that dont get stem degrees from good colleges DONT! they become neets!

so would i feel more comfortable lying to the MMJ doctor about Carpal Tunnel or Back Pain, or Lying about getting Spasms from the meds i take for muh Severe Despair?

great now the poor beta orbiter kid who was in love with his female friend was bullycided into removing his post. because hes such a HORRIBLE PERSON. good lord they hate these pathetic niceguys more than they hate Raepists. seriously. right now he is probably blaming the shit out of himself for being such a horrible person. and he wont let himself grieve properly for a relationship that “didnt exist.” yeah well if he knew her for THREE YEARS it DID exist, no matter how close she felt to HIM, no matter what these degenerate bullies on /relships say.

THAT KID IS BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!

there is ANOTHER post about an opposite secs best friend at the top of the relships hotlist!

GUESS WHAT /R/RELSHIPS, WHEN YOUR “BEST FRIEND” IS THE OPPOSITE SECS, RIDICULOUS DRAMA ENSUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess you can be “friends,” but to identify as “best friends”? HELL NO.

sheeeeeeeeeit tuff times buddy. im sure reddit will say he is a horrible person for thinking he is entitled to something.

yep sad shit man. well at least you can do your JOB and shit you got a NEW JOB within 8 months of getting heartbreakingly dumped! so id say youre doing pretty well. just work 80 hours a week at your new job and smoke MJ the rest of the time. use MJ to bribe tinder wh0res into nihilistic secs hahahaha.

did i get jealous because they were leaving me, or did they leave me because i was getting jealous?

i think i kept my jealousy under wraps PRETTY DAMN WELL until it became clear they were pulling away from me, talking to other guys, and then i’d say i had a PRETTY GOOD REASON to get jealous hehehehe.

so yeah i dont eer push women away because i am “THE JEALOUS TYPE.”

heres a good quote from this one:

”   [–]PaHoua 4 points 49 minutes ago
If you’re the one broken up with, it is very likely you’ll take much longer to move on than the dumper. That person has already been “mourning” the loss of the relationship for a long time and when they finally came to terms with it is when they decided to commit to the action of dumping you.
Think of it like the five steps of grief: 1. Denial; 2. Bargaining; 3. Anger; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.
When she reached Acceptance, you weren’t even aware of what was to come. Then she dumped you. You moved into Denial.
This happened to me. I moved back and forth between all of the stages until I got into Acceptance. He was dating within weeks and probably earlier, whereas I remained in between stages for a couple of years.
It takes as long as it takes. That’s all anyone can tell you.     ”

wow a woman saying something very reasonable hahahahaha

 

DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED

oct 26

ok  done with interview for PT 15 an hour job. 1500 hours a year max. 24 to 32 hours depending on the department. 3 openings, 3 diff departments. one is def more customer oriented. hope they dont pick me for THAT one because i said i was good at dealing with difficult customers. yeeeesh.  yikes. oy vey. so just do a shitty job, quit, and never work for this org again hahahaha when it is DEF one of my Top Orgs To Work For. great benefits, close to home, unfireable, stable secure job, union.

talked to 3 people, including a handsome young man who i learned is about 3 or 4 years younger than me and he has a Controller position, because he Chose A Good Life with Hard Work, and has a BS in Accounting, an MBA with focus on Taxation, a CPA, so hence he’ll always have a GREAT job. why didnt I just Be Like Him. I joked that I did poorly on the accounting portion of the test, but that I was just rusty and I can brush up on my Accounting Fundamentals.

3 people in the room grilling me hahahahaha. no they were all nice enough. I got emails from all. i have def gotten better at that. just getting emails from EVERYONE in the room.

i need a full 20 ounce mug of strong coffee JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING to be somewhere at 8:30 am hahahahaha.

meaning i pour the mug the night before, leave it on my table next to the bed, set alarm 15 to 20 minutes before i want to get up, then drink the coffee while laying in bed and watching weather and news, then pull self out of bed.

i would NOT want to still have to MAKE the coffee. I just want to REACH out of bed and GRAB a full mug of awesome room temperature coffee thats been sitting out all night. this truly does make it a lot easier to get up. i have been doing this for years. i dont regret it one bit. i RECOMMEND it to ANYBODY.

interview was at 9 am, i got there at like 8:15, i like getting their SUPER early and prepping in the car.

actual interview was less than 30 minutes. they didnt rush me PER SE, but i got the impression there were other people waiting. plus its a part time job hahahaha. i said As You Can Imagine, my ultimate goal is a FT job with this org, would this PT person have access to The Secret Internal FT Postings? yes yes they would.

anyway thats it for this week. did not get great sleep last night. i mean i can TOTALLY get used to getting up EARLY in the morning……but it HAS to be REGULAR. i need a ROUTINE. after a few days or a week of that, i will get used to going to bed earlier and getting up at 6am, 5am. shit i got up at 6 am today to get ready for being there at 9am.

so if i got this other job that starts at 8 am, id have to get up a FIVE am every day. well especially cuz that one is further away. a whopping 14 miles away. this place today is only 4 miles away. also i get up SUPER early, ive NEVER been a sleep in as late as possible and Rush To Work in the NIck of Time. downside is that eats up valuable sleeping time.

/r/relships. i cant stop reading it, its SO ridiculous. some of it is good, some of it is fooking awful.

it DOES NOT help that 80% of the shit is by women for women. i wish there was a relship sub for men by men. it makes a big difference. cuz women dont know what theyre talking about, ever. hahahahahaha. terrible judgment, terribly wrong. WRONG. hahahaha. WRONG.

heh. the other bad thing about getting up early is, you are now awake 16 hours a day and have to figure out how to eat only 1200 calories. you are Hungry More because you are too used to Sleeping through those hours when you are hungry. like its 11am and i am STARVING even though I had some Cereal around 7 am. 350 calories. shit. 390 calories cereal and milk.

degree in account, masters in taxation, cpa. this is fooking AWESOME. i hear the masters in tax is one of the better masters you can get. this guy formerly worked with a well known accounting firm for 5 years. kinda surprised he is working where he is now. youd think it would be beneath him.

now he did not go to a name school………but the school he went to is actually kinda well regarded for accounting. which is exactly what he did. why didnt i choose that life hahahahaha.

i just saw him and i was like WHOA this guys the CONTROLLER? hes a KID!!!!!!!!!!

I guess there is Financial Director who is one step above him though.

see the stupid women would say this si just fine, stop trying to control her, you jealous abuser.

not even seeing that essentially the male FWB rejected her because SHE wanted MORE, and now they’re still just friends and hang out and talk constantly.

DONT SUCK A GUYS DICK ON THE THRID DATE!!!!! THATS DEGENERATE!!!! NIHILISTIC!!!!!!!!!

that was a different one hehehe.

its not INTENTIONALLY nihilistic. i mean they think its about FUN and who knows this might turn out to be the one, but lets just have some spontaneous fun in the moment.

fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. all about fun. muh dick.

i mean yeah its HEDONISM not nihilism per se, but IMHO hedonism is pretty damn nihilistic at root. i mean women arent capable of understanding that, most men arent either. but all white men are capable. nto sure about white women. maybe some are capable. ive never met one hahahahaha. no thats patently false, i certainly have met decent, nonhedonistic women that werent all muh dick muh dick muh clit muh orgasms muh fun casual fwb secs.

jeff daniels looks like slavoj zizek in this movie hahahahahaha

i mean is zizek really THAT cool? probably not, folks, probably not. why the hell did i ever like him in the first place? because he spouted pseudointellectual crap. that at its core is JOOISH as hell: critical theory, frankfurt skool POISON. but he made getting a phd in philosophy seem really Sexy to a 21 year old.

SIXTY dollars to see nick cave? thats almost as bad as fifty dollars to see morrissey. but i like nick cave a lot better. but thank god i have already had the PRIVILEGE of seeing nick cave. not many people can say that hahahahaha. and it was an even more outstanding show than you would expect. i almost DONT want to see him again because that is a high standard to exceed. also i dont really like his new album. but i should see him just to see him right? but 60 bucks? damn.

imean if it were tom waits I totally would. or neil young, in a theater of this size, with crazy horse for SURE, and hopefully less than 60 bucks.

not many people on muh bucket list. maybe bob dylan but thats a big maybe.

well tom petty would be nice. yeah id go see him. but prob not for 60 bucks. or in a gay ass outdoor theater full of drunk trash.

who else. maybe some black metal. or metal in general. judas priest, iron maiden, never saw them, missed shows by both in the past year, too lazy. i mean i had the TIME!

yeah i would pay 80 bucks to see darkthrone hahaha. or varg vikernes. or muh buddy mikko.

anyway.

i might have been ok with casual secs if i had ever had any sort of FWB thing work out. for example, women2004 and 2005, they just wanted casual dating ie secs ie casual FUN. I was like NO i want a serious rel so they dumped me because they didnt WANT a serious rel.  BUT I could have gotten a LOT of secs out of them if I had just said lets keep it casual. so in hindsight i wish i had done that, just so i could have had a lot of secs with some qt young gurls. instead i had secs like 2 times. better than nothing but still.

i mean theyre not horrible people for wanting what they want and rejecting me because i wasnt that. well, beyond the fact that what they wanted is………….pretty degenerate. but then again, some of my wants are pretty degen too, like wanting to smoke MJ, or being open to casual secs. (but not actively seeking it out.)

but i am so inexperienced with secs, that i automatically confuse secs with feelings.

THIS ISNT REALLY “CONFUSION!” ITS THE NATURAL WAY! IT IS RIGHT AND JUST AND NORMAL!!! WHATS NOT NORMAL IS THE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO UNTANGLE THEM!!!!!

DO NOT SEPARATE WHAT THE LORD HAS BOUND TOGETHER!!! hahahaha.

or, DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED!!!!!!!!! if you prefer that.

young girls wanting casual sex, and old men wanting serious feelings secs.

SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE, IT IS BAD TO TRY TO MAKE IT CASUAL. IT CANT BE CASUAL.

that ultimately is the END OF DISCUSSION.

so yeah me and these women had Incompatible Values.

AND they made an EFFORT to give me Common Courtesy and Respect when they Dumped me! they made an effort not to add insult to injury! so i appreciate that now.

DONT ADD INSULT TO INJURY!!!!!!!!

maybe i should become a Christian Counselor. there are tons of them. is it any easier than becoming a Non Religious Counselor? as far as degrees, licensing, etc.

i cant see it being any easier getting a license from the state, but i could be wrong.

if youre being charged with a heinous crime, WHY NOT perjure yourself rather than taking the 5th amendment hahahaha.  just watching law and order. i guess this show could inspire a young person to become a cop or a lawyer.

anyway i never stalked her. dont know why i have to PROVE this. i guess because the women of reddit would say that sending emails is STALKING.

yeah ok i DID send probably too many emails, but after a month of that, I was DONE. FINISHED. COMPLETELY.

I sent 4 emails in 1 month. 3 of them were pretty long. does that make me an evil stalker? no it just makes me sad and desperate and pathetic.

also if she had said stop sending me emails, i probably would have hahahahaha. or maybe just sent one more hahahaha.

the worst i did was crane my neck to try to look for her car in the parking lot of her workplace as i drove by the workplace which was ON the most direct route to my destination. and if i get that job then i wont go 2 miles out of my way just to NOT drive by that other place every day. i might even crane my neck again. but its not like im pulling into the parking lot and sitting there waiting for her!!!!! that WOULD be creepy!!! i dont WANT to be a creep! but also women think everything is creepy. plus i can totally understand why men do creepy things.

anyway. i guess i would like sluts more if i had more benefits from those sluts. but really womens Sexual Desire has led them away from boring old me. I am always at odds with Female Sexual Desire, Fighting it, trying to keep it from straying away from me, trying to hold on to it.

yeah i guess i am TRYING too hard. you should have to TRY this hard to “maintain somebodys interest” in you.

but yeah i am now done with my week o interviews and can start applying to jobs again hahahaha.

i mean TWO of these three jobs I would REALLY like. these are some strong jobs to get your hopes up for.

how have i never seen this dark haired woman cop on law and order. she is very attractive, would bang/10. but is she jooish? this is like early 2000s, she is partner with black male cop, hopefully doesnt mudshark with him, sam waterston is still the DA. i think this is just Straight Up Regular Law and Order, not SVU or any of that.

milena govich. obvious a yugo sort of name. potentially jooish. wiki says serbian (and scottish.) well yeah the NAME is SERBIAN, just like STEIN is GERMAN. thats not what Im ASKING hahahahahahahaha.

2006-7, det nina cassidy.

i just dont know. i think she is a goy but you never know with these sneaky J’s, ive been fooled before. i would casually bang her while waiting for the 23 and me results HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES I have a FILTER, I know what things you should and should not say around WOMEN. I wouldnt say ANYTHING I say on here around women.

but yeah i dont want to be a creep, or a niceguy, or an abuser, or the jealous type, or a controller, or any of that stuff. but maybe i AM ok with being a “woman hater” hahahaha i mean how can any woke man not be hahahaha.

maybe i like proving to them that i have good enough social skills so they cant slander me as creepy. i dont say or do inappropriate things, but my god do i judge the hell out of women when they are not around.

and i dont feel bad about judging women. i dont mind being called a Woman JUDGER!!!!!! i mean thats what i do, i judge women!!!!!!

but in the social world, I treat them with respect. EVEN IF THEY DONT DESERVE IT!!!!! i really wouldnt treat ANYONE with disrespect until after they treated ME with disrespect.

i mean everyone makes mistakes, even That Woman doesnt deserve to be hurt even though she hurt me, because she didnt have intent, and even if she DID, it would still be better karma for me to just Let It Go, and no i dont want her to get hurt really bad. i mean i would like her to learn a lesson. but she was just stupid and weak, i was stupid and weak, and ultimately i was the one who got hurt more, a lot more.

now i mean feel different about someone who did something MORE hostile and intentional, like cheating or accusing me of abuse or something. totally lying and betraying me.

i dont do sketchy or bad shit with women. i dont DO anything really immoral. the most immoral i get is have JUDGEY THOUGHTS. i dont have thoughts about hurting or abusing or mistreating women. I just have thoughts of jdugement and disgust and contempt. but i dont ACT on these thoughts! I try not to do ANY immoral actions! because MORALITY is VERY VERY IMPORTANT to me!!!!!!!

1200 CALORIE DIET!!!!!

i guarantee you. if you eat only 1200 calories a day, you WILL lose weight even without exercise.

you will also be hungry at all times.

well some say 1200 for women, 1800 for men. that 1200 is the absolutely healthy minimum for WOMEN, who need less calories than men anyway.

so maybe 1200 is not even Healthy For Me. well, moot point now that I blew right by it by 150 calories and also today is muh cheat day too and i will be eating again later!

 

 

incel neet virgin 26 year old brother is resentful of his 20 year old NORMIE brother who can get a GF hehehehe. reddit shames the incel neet as a creepy woman hater, anyone who “unironically uses the word NORMIE after high school” is one of these hahaha.

now i dont MIND being friends with women like this guy seems to……but im not sure having Women Friends makes you any more likely to make a woman want to Be With you in a secsy way. you just get the friendzone hahahahahahahahaha. you can relate to women as human beings to your hearts content….in the friendzone hahahaha.  but yeah i guess i’ll admit that when you have a woman friend, it DOES make them seem more human, less alien, more knowable. but it makes all the more THIRSTY for a gf too. because youre like well now i actually KNOW a woman, this isnt so bad! but now I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a GF! I had forgotten what its like to even be NEAR a woman and to have a woman show ANY INTEREST in me! it feels good and i want what the NORMIES have!

anyway i am not as bad as that guys brother. i can control myself around women at least and dont do anything really creepy. plus i had secs once 12 years ago with the help of alcohol hahahahahahaha.

the first time he saw a tit? hasnt he ever watched jooish porn? not that i recommend it.

does he have a JOB? is he EMPLOYED? surprised this was never mentioned by the commenters. probably not, hes prob a damn neet.

i mean just like having a gf or at least a fwb is the litmus test of a NORMIE, so is having an at least average job. making at least 13 bucks an hour.

well, we did have some incels making 15 an hour at my last job hahahaha.

reddit. a bunch of damn degenerate nonvirgins SHAMING the morally superior virgins and calling them creepy and disturbed and elliott rodger, just because they dont fook like a bunch of NEGROES hahahahahaha.

these “social nerds” are an interesting bunch, i knew a lot in university. they were “weird” and “anti establishment” and “non conformist” but they were FAR from social outcasts, and had a ton of friends, and GF’s, sex experience, Relship experience, all from a young age, and turned out being successful normies with wives and children hahahahahaha.

NORMIES.

DIRTY NONVIRGIN NORMIES hahahahahaha.

PIGS, DOGS, DISGUSTING ANIMALS hahahahahahahaha.

” He’ll never figure out how to get a girlfriend until he starts treating women like people rather than games that you have to win to get romance and sex. ”  hehehehe but……….its that accurate? except they are not as fun or easy as a game. its a frustrating sick game.

well not even. the “game”, as designed by god/nature, its not sick. its sensible, and technically fair. it’s not pretty though. and it REALLY sucks to be on the losing end. and it REALLY sucks when Women Deny Their Privilege.

i guess thats just like ME denying WHITE privilege and MALE privilege, huh????????????????????

so……..if i can acknowledge that privilege exists, specifically FEMALE privilege…………….

……….does it not follow that its POSSIBLE that OTHER kinds of privilege exist?

and that I might benefit from it?

but, like women, I spit in its face and deny it?

so i dislike women who do the same thing I am doing?

yeah but i believe women DO have certain advantages/privileges in the mating game. i mean SOME men have their own privileges here….but not most men.

also, my idea of Female Privilege in the Mating Game comes from a pretty Traditionalist, Reactionary, Alt Right, Rightist, NON MARXIST way of thinking.

Ideas about White Privilege and Male Privilege, that all comes from MARXIST BULLSHIT.

they are all saying what a horrifying, dark, awful place the incel sub is. i dont doubt that its DARK, and i dont want to link to it or even READ it because Im sure its very negative……..but dont say these are awful people. youd be this way too if you were a hugless virgin neet incel who CANT EVEN GET IN THE FRIENDZONE hahahahaha.

note: i never use the word friendzone seriously. its impossible for me to “get put in” the friendzone. i will just say, baby, i dont want to be just friends, lets take a time out here. or thats what i would say if they agreed to talk to me hahahaha.

im perfectly fine being friends with women IF I dont want anything more. AND IF THEY dont want anything more. not that ive ever experienced that. but god damn. i know women are HUMANS.

just like negros and joos and mudslims are humans too, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no, white women rank above all of those, hahahahahahaha.

but yeah its just heartbreaking when a woman you like would rather hang out with CHEATERS, DRUG ADDICTS, DRUNKS, DEADBEATS, ABUSERS, and NEGROES, rather than hang out with YOU.

ive certainly linked this album before. a few posts ago. it def has its place. right now i am drawing attention to 3:34, “summer of the diabolical holocaust”. “natassja in eternal sleep” is such a strong, timeless opener, that i sometimes forget the next song is just as strong.

again, good headphones and ideally good speakers, played LOUD, for maximum effect, considering the ridiculous production. note the insane distorted bass sound and drum sound, esp the floor tom. ridiculous celtic frost riff in the middle here, with ridiculous “solo” on top of it.

the guitar tone kinda sucks on this album….kind of. but i wouldnt change it either!

and TED’s vokills are possibly his best ever. truly literally a man possessed here.

i would say turn it up LOUD and DEFINITELY smoke a huge MJ to this one, get nice and blazed. oh god. wish i could.

and then cuddle up with nice waifu while doing that.

well, for that, we would just listen to one song, while I Mansplained the significance of the music. listening to the whole album with a grill would be pretty weird. metal grills are huge immoral sluts anyway. degen nihilists hahaha.

hard to believe they were only like 21 when doing this album. to make an album that you just appreciate more and more as you get older. into your Mid Thirties.

I think i was familiar with this album when I was 21, or at least close to it. I liked it……but I didnt GET it as much as I do now.

like i certainly dont like other albums LIKE this.

anyway yeah great album for the Turning Of Seasons, like when its really becoming Fall/Autumn. definitely some magic in this album.

but yeah you DO need to listen to it LOUD. it Literally sounds better that way.

it is amazing how much Variation and Diversity there is in darkthrone. UAFM and TH are both super freezing cold black metal albums, but they sound fairly different. i guess a big thing is that the tempo and rhythm NEVER change on TH, and on other DT albums, they change in every song.

yeah theres a damn good reason DT is a such a NAME.

heh these reddit nonvirgin normies shaming the virgins. there answer for everything is “DUDE NEEDS HELP.” WOW. JUST…..I CANT EVEN. YASSSS. HE NEEDS THERAPY. THERAPY PROBABLY WOULDNT EVEN HELP HIM. HE NEEDS TO KEEP TRYING THERAPISTS TILL HE FIND SOMEONE WHO WORKS. HIS ONLY CHANCE IS A LIFE OF THERAPY IF HE EVER WANTS A GF……….AND EVEN THEN IT PROB WONT WORK. CUZ HES TOO TOXIC AND NEGATIVE AND WEIRD AND CREEPY AND RAPEY AND JUDGEY. EW. UGH. GROSS. NOT OK. HE NEEDS A LOT OF HELP.

Yeah i agree he probably does need some help but i dont think its hopeless. these are exactly the type of guys i would want to help. with my unlicensed christian therapy group. we would go out and grab women by the pvssy and call them fat pigs, slobs, dogs, and disgusting animals. hahahahahahahahaha.

hey might as well listen to TH right after UAFM. now theres an experience you should be grateful for.

heh. I remember I bought TH on CD and that was one of muh first serious black metal albums. that, burzum debut, emperor “nightside eclipse”, burzum HLTO, DT panzerfaust. i picked some good ones for babbys first black metal albums eh? but i remember seeing phil anselmo in a pantera picture wearing a DT TH t shirt and i was like whoa that looks hardcore hahahaha what does that logo even say???

and then i bought the cd and mainly liked the first song and was like why isnt the rest of the album as good, i mean its a really simple formula.

but then it really grows on you hahahaha. and then it becomes one of your desert island best black metal albums of all time.

when i was a young angry virgin, i might have thought DT understood my hateful, sorrowful feels hahahaha. when really they were a bunch of HEDONISTIC, DEGEN NORMIE NONVIRGINS, smoking MJ and partying and getting with SLUTS. more like NORMIETHRONE amirite????

anyway, yeah i guess if all you listen to is TH, its easy to think DT is a fairly “ATMOSPHERIC” BM band, but they really arent hahaha. they are more of celtic frost beer chugging normies.

but yeah its timeless, beautiful stuff you will CHERISH the rest of your life. when i get married to my pure virgin white waifu, I will play nothing but BLACK METAL at the reception hahahaha. totally make it all about me and everyone else can suck my dick, im gonna play like 8 hours of straight black metal at my wedding hahahahaha.

no but i mean i have to play at least one black metal song. but what the hell would it be? i mean it would be burzum or darkthrone. maybe I should just play TWO black metal songs.  transilvanian hunger and jesus dod. hahaha.

well i was invited to a social thing tomorrow and i decided to Just Say Yes because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I should say YES to, so i did. its exactly because i dont go to things, that i dont get invited to things any more….so kinda want to break that pattern.

oct 27

ive always liked sitting down and writing about muh self and muh feels, total narcissist, but unfort i think this has helped CAUSE some of my issues, because i always take the wrong lesson, or get in too negative of an attitude. the women thing is the perfect example. writing here i sound like incel virgin maniac r9k elliot rodger, but i am not really like that in real life!!!! at worst i am socially anxious and shy, but never super creepy or weird! i am even nice and nonjudgmental to total trashy sluts, i just see them as people who have had hard, unlucky lives, had their good noble nature nurtured out of them, its not their faultttttttttttt. basically i will treat people well until they treat me badly. even if they are a dirty slut. until them being a dirty slut directly hurts ME, I will be nice to them.

(soundcloud giving errors, deleted link. google fenriz radio soundcloud.)

oh here is fenriz’s radio show, archive of many of them, actually doesnt sound horrible hahahahaha. i mean i am kinda jealous of his ability to enjoy new music at 45 years of age, my mind is pretty much closed to all that. i still want him to have a family. find a decent wife and have some kids. shit he can still listen to metal. he talks about listening to metal 16 hours a day or something. im not even AWAKE 16 hours a day! now a family man needs to be awake 23 hours a day working and providing and protecting and securing, but working fathers can still have interests and hobbies, he could still listen to his precious metal hahahahaha.

well i do like documentaries and here is one on peste noire. who i like because famine is a fairly right wing douchebag who hates foreigners. and i like a couple of his songs. and i want to determine how right wing and nationalist he really is. of course, i think he needs to stop drinking and living a degen lifestyle, be more like varg!!!

look at this handsome white man, in beautiful nature. this is what we SHOULD think of when we think of FRANCE…..not a jooified degenerate brown hellhole that france is turning into. famine does drink too much and should stop drinking and have children tho. although i thought it was hilarious that he made an obnoxious fart joke hahahaha. showing what he thinks of these media k1kes hahahaha. well really i dont know anything about the makers of this film.

i know weev gets lots of demand from the k1k3 media for interviews, but he straight up tells them, fook off and die k1k3, im not giving you an interview unless you pay me a lot of money, you can look up stuff ive said on the internet. PAY ME if you want to talk to me. and my rate is not cheap. im taking my pound of flesh back from you vampires. this is a great way to be. so i hope the people that made this doc were either not corrupt “skypes”, or they paid famine decent money to talk to them. i do believe famine, degen farting drinker he may be, but i think he still has artistic integrity hahahaha.

 

 

new vidya where varg talks about fenriz. he says a lot of good things about fenriz, that he is smart, funny, charming, easy to like, friendly. he says he is one of the smartest most intelligent people he met back in the day. and also that he is very honorable and ethical and tries to do the right thing and be an honorable man. but that his tragic flaw is that he drinks too much and this might compromise him.

now varg is talking about fenriz 25 years ago. but as a 20 year old man, whenever young varg met young fenriz, fenriz was always drinking beer and getting drunk. so i can totally relate with that. whenever I was socializing at around that age, i was drinking.

varg says fenriz is a good man but he hopes he has cut down on the drinking. i would agree because drinking too much is never good. and if you have ever seen videos of fenriz, he is often drinking in them. so yeah i hope he is not a Full Blown Alcoholic. i dont think he is because uhhhh he would have ruined his life by now. lost his job at the post office, stopped doing albums, in and out of rehab or jail, plus he looks fairly healthy.

so yeah i think hes got it under control but i cant help agree with varg that alcohol clouds your judgement.

i am kinda in between varg and fenriz then! i started out more fenrizy and am becoming more vargy. but yeah i always got the impression that fenriz was a decent True Blue Cobber sort of guy, and I  am glad to hear Varg saying so, as Varg seems to be the same way. Morality Matters.

I know fenriz was in a deep depression for a few years…..did he drink more during that time? how did he come out of it? how does he keep from going back? what kind of women and people does he hang out with? he seems pretty social. how much does he really drink? why did his marriage end? was that related to his depression?

these are the important questions to me hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant help but feel he is capable of even more, that he IS a truly smart and moral man, and it would be GREAT if he stepped up the same way varg has, get a nice white wife and have 6 white children, but he just hasn’t made that Leap into Political, Religious, and Metaphysical Thinking. And I know that Drinking can hold you back from doing that. So I cant help but want to have fenriz stop drinking for like a year, cold turkey, and see what changes happen. I think he is totally CAPABLE of doing this.

interesting that varg is making this video though. why not just contact fenriz and be like hey ole buddy lets hang out and get caught up.

but i dont think varg and fenriz were super besties either. but fenriz was probably the black metal guy varg liked the most. they definitely like each other hahaha. and it sounds like culto did not hang out much because he didnt like the people. varg didnt much like the people. fenriz is a good guy who got along with everyone.

so who WERE vargs friends? people not into black metal. what were these people like? whats vargs rel like with HIS father and his brother?

so many questions hahahaha.

anyway i think a varg fenriz meeting now would be very productive for them both. and i think varg could push fenriz to realize his full potential. this is the fanfic movie I would make hahahahaha.

like my fanfic sequel to the big lebowski that redeems the classic characters into nondegenerates hahaha.

or my fanfic sequel to king of the hill, 10+ years later, where bobby is like 30 years old in Current Year.

hahahahahahahahahaha.

so i am tempted to post a comment on vargs video to encourage him to Reach Out to Fenriz.

thing is, Fenriz is totally in his Comfort Zone. he’s happy doing what he’s doing.

i dunno. i just like proselytizing Traditional Family Values to All White People. I see a good white man who i think would be a good father, and I think it’s a SHAME that he DOESNT Leave a Legacy. And I’m not talking about timeless music or even The Fame Of A Dead Man’s Deeds!

cattle may die, Kinsmen may die, sure, but just as fame of dead mens deeds don’t die, so do kinsmens kinsmens kinsmens kin dont die hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

varg with his 6000000 children could speak to this better than I could. but see i am sold on this way of life way more than i am on fenriz’s. and i mean that in the nicest possible way to fenriz. im not judging him as a Degen Nihilist Slut Negro Mentality.

hey maybe fenriz thinks he would be a bad father.

i mean shit i KNOW i would be a terrible father because i cant even take care of MYSELF. but i might have POTENTIAL to BECOME good father material, i think all white men do. and i think fenriz has enough money. i am SURE many of his colleagues at the post office have children! also i would totally support him doing one sell out show of darkthrone to make money for his family!

i mean nocturno CULTO has children for gods sakes. mr hateful culto who doesnt like anybody managed to get woma/en to birth two children for him.

now i do think that deadbeat fathers are like that simply because they had children when they WERENT READY. but i do believe that ALL white men are capable of becoming ready to be good fathers. that these deadbeat fathers could have one day been good fathers if they just KEPT IT IN THEIR PANTS and didnt bang sluts without a rubber when they were too young to handle a kid. typcal N behavior hahahaha.

like i WOULD LIKE to be a good father someday, but if i had a child right now with some white trash slut, i would run away like a coward. i cant take care of a child!

and this is totally understandable at 20…..much less understandable at 30.

a LOT is SUPPOSED to happen between 20 and 30. but for me it really DIDNT. because YOU are supposed to MAKE that stuff happen with a LOT of Hard Work, effort, energy, and agency! it doesnt just HAPPEN on its own!

i didnt realize that until i was 30 hahahaha. well ok, maybe 26 hahahaha. well, i always KNEW it but ran away from that responsibility by drinking until i was 26.  sheeeeeeeit kinda wish i had gotten Busted a few years earlier! 22, 23, that would have been great year to stop drinking hehee.

and yet I STILL want to do MJ!!! it clouds your mind in a diff way than alcohol…….but it definitely clouds your mind! impairs your judgment in all things!

bbbbbbut my mind is clouded ANYWAY with hate and despair and fear and worry and anxiety and bad negative attitude and feels and r9k and incel and foreveralone and entitlement and elliot rodger and the red pill and niceguytm and K all normies and all that hahaha. at least being clouded with MJ or alcohol is a step up in terms of being more pleasant and positive!

ayo hol up hol up. so ALCOHOL would be POSITIVE?

MJ would be POSITIVE but ALCOHOL isn’t?

everythings a damn slippery slope hahaha.

well honestly i have no or very little desire to drink alcohol, it just doesnt APPEAL to me.

MJ on the other hand, APPEALS to me like none other.

what would fenriz do? drink beer, PROBABLY smoke some MJ, listen to metal, and have fun.

what would varg do? drink non-alcoholic beer, work on his russian lada car, make videos with not-his-best ambient music in the background hahahahahaha and proudly parade his beautiful children and live out the 14 words. and judge degenerates as degenerate. i mean yeah thats really appealing too!

but he’s not a neet virgin see! he’s a PRINCIPLED MAN, an honorable strong alpha man, with nice wife and a HORDE of beautiful blond blue eyed aryan children!!!!!!! he gets to BE autistic and live in isolation……with his young wife and 6 kids!!!!!!!! BIG difference between that and a neet basement dweller virgin! varg has had secs 6 times hahahahahahaha.

well these men are entitled to their privacy. im actually shocked that varg has Opened Himself Up so much to the world. I’m happy, because he sets a GREAT example, but he’s compromising his own privacy in a way I thought he never would.

maybe i should attempt to get an interview with FENRIZ, because he supposedly does hundreds of interviews whenever they do a new album. so my interview with fenriz will include all those questions about his personal life: his ex wife the artist, his GF’s, his FWB’s, his normie friends, his job, his family, his drinking, what he thinks about MJ, why doesnt culto scream like he used to, why is there one classic song on their new album but the rest is kinda meh, why dont you want kids, here’s why you should have kids, here’s why you should should go and hang out with varg and his family for a week, heres why you should quit drinking for a year and just see what happens, here’s why you need to pass on your damn genes and not just your music. you are SO CLOSE. have a rea come to jesus talk with him.

you can still do your radio show. i might even start listening to your radio show. you can still listen to metal. wouldnt you like a family to share your metal with hahahahaha.

is it he cant find a good woman? i doubt that. or does he just prefer sluts because muh dick? well he needs to get out of that muh dick mindset!

whats better, to be a muh dick white negro, or a hateful neet incel elliott rodger KV who cant even pull SLUTS?????

its honestly worst to be the neet virgin! then youre WORSE THAN A NEGRO!!!!! ME!!!! Thats where I am right now!

the PRINCIPLED, MORAL white man is worse than a degen muh dick negro, “simply” because this particular principled moral white man is also a neet loser virgin!!!!!!!! that is muh trump card!

so when fenriz was 21 he was still working at the post office (prob full time) and would get off his shift, buy a case of beer, and come over and hang out at euronymous’s shop and drink the beer, according to varg. i mean not that thats not a credible story!

basically, fenriz was able to live the life of a 21 year old normie: FT job like an adult, but also partying, socializing, drinking, having friends, probably GF’s, AND being in a band and making tons of music. classic, timeless music that will never die. while also being Sorta Immature and Drinking a Little Too Much, like a 21 year old man in his Party Phase.

so yeah i cant relate to that AT ALL, because I have so little experience in successfully working a FT job or being a normie. when he drank he did it right, when i drank i did it wrong. basically these were NORMIES!!!!!!

that is a weird thought, that the kvlt black metal guys i like are just more damn NORMIES. NORMIES GONNA NORM.

i am triggering the shit out of leftist reddist phaggots, who hate the term normies, cuz only niceguy broken men entitled incel r9k neets use the word. shit yeah.

and VARG is essentially a normie because he was hanging out with GRILLS from a proper age.

fenriz got grills, varg got grills, shit even euronymous probably got slutty grills hahahahaha.

you know who didnt get grills? probably dead. well, maybe he got one grill, got his heart broke, then K’d himself hahahaha. [pure speculation]

i hear that dead was a truly weird, lonely soul, not of this world…….and also that he was  a real nice sweet sensitive guy. im sure it was closer to the latter.  and then of course you try to add the grim early 90s norwegian black metal SPIN to that, and he becomes a twisted, dark, cold, lonely, hateful soul, one with death hahahaha.

maybe fenriz should have helped him learn Game to Game those white sluts hahahaha. or he could have gotten euronymous’s sloppy seconds.

but thats the thing about neet virgins…..THEY (we) CANT EVEN PULL DIRTY SLOPPY SECONDS SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!

so that is really a confidence killer!!!!!! the worst, easiest women dont even want us for a roll in the hay!

i mean i dont really care about “the scene”……………….but I do really like burzum and darkthrone, who were huge figures in “the scene”, so there you go. plus they are all interesting PEOPLE with interesting STORIES. and to top it all off, they made actually interesting music. and they continue to be interesting people 25 years later…..even if their music is less interesting.

so yeah. varg fenriz reunion nao.

rej email from 17 an hour county clerical job. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. i mean 17 dollars, 34k, thats WITHIN REACH for me a lot more than a goddam 40k job. so a rejection from a 34k job actually stings MORE than a rej from a 40k job.

at least for a 24k job, i could convince myself that they rej me because I was “overqualified.”

not so much for a 34k job. thats right in that sweet spot. i mean my glassdoor market value is 35k! the FEDGOV technically COULD pay me 34k as well!

really, I shouldnt apply for jobs MORE than 34k, and I honestly try NOT to……….

but most jobs are far above or far below 34k!!!!!!!!

slow genocide of the Middle Class hahahaha. hollowing out of the middle. the 34k’ers.

i mean i just want to make the average wage of my state/region/area, which is AROUND 13 dollars an hour, 26k a year. anything more is a BLESSING.

also, why do companies do Massive Layoffs, when they could just do Massive Pay Cuts instead? then people could keep their jobs at least, and there will absolutely be unhappy people who will quit voluntary. more cost savings there goy.  so yeah i dont understand why companies will just cut jobs entirely when they COULD just cut wages.

or CANT they. because the numbers dont crunch out that way.  you dont save enough MONEY by just cutting WAGES, you HAVE to cut JOBS if you want to save enough MONEY.

hmm apparently you cant buy gift cards online at gift card granny where you can save 5% or more off the face value. not a bad deal. like get a 25 dollar gift card for 23 dollars. not bad if you are looking to buy some gift cards……which i am!

maybe fenriz doesnt WANT to have kids ok? maybe hes happy with his life just the way it is!!!!

i mean not everyone WANTS to have kids!

yeah but a lot of people DO.

and the white race is kind of at a precarious position right now. so that if you care about the white race AT ALL (and I most certainly DO!!!!) then its kinda your DUTY to have kids. ESPECIALLY if you are of means.

and if you are NOT of means?

then GET of means ASAP mother fooker, because we are having a RACE WAR!!!!!!!!!!

otto skorzeny did not move to the US and was not your GF’s grandfather bro! he moved to spain and or ireland and even worked with the mossad for a bit.

listen to this good goy. 6 million jooz murdered by the n4z15 in the h010c4u5t. sounds like a wacky conspiracy theory tinfoil hat guy hahahahaha.

travel channel show. that old man you met was NOT otto skorzeny. how could you believe he was.

so yeah doing fun social thing today, which is not something i usually do, which is a step in the right direction for me. just be nice and smile and say thank you. baby steps. dont even worry about keeping up with Witty Banter. to me its always like a competition, who can do the wittiest banter, but thats not REALLY what it is, its just people who enjoy doing witty banter with each other and it comes very easily and naturally. only for me is it such a challenging competition! they dont care that im not the wittiest!

for a brief window of time, when i was about 21 or 22, i was kinda a social drunk fenriz character. i hung out a lot, also drank a lot, and had some small measure of charisma or celebrity. a lot of it was a bad reputation as a drunken wildman who said ridiculous things. NOT the type of thing I want to be remembered for. yet it was interesting having some amount of “popularity”.  probably the closest i got to being a normie. was able to parlay it into casual flings with two casual gurls. then my 15 minutes of fame were OVER.  and IMHO I wasted it drinking and being ridiculous and I was largely misunderstood. i would rather be remembered as a Nice, Moral, Honorable Man, than some Salty Loose Cannon Drunk Crank.

 

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN

dfgsdhdfgn

oct 1

so manlet woes has done his first major semipublic speech at this dutch erkenbrand conference in setp 2016, well done lad. i remember when he was just a despairing neet making black pill vidyas a few years ago, now he is kind of a leader talking to rooms of people and people paying him thousands of dollars to fly to the US and make speeches here that I will not be at hahahahahaha.

i was wondering if he would wear a suit but he just wore a black shirt which is pretty nice. i know dressing like a neet slob is his   A E S T H E T I C   but he really deserves better and it shouldnt be his aesthetic. but you can really easily slip into dressing like a slob when you havent had a job or a woman in YEARS hahahaha.

well i guess now he has a woman and what he does is kinda like a job, so yeah he SHOULD have more confidence because of that and dress better. i know i would hahahaha. anyway i hope he is with a decent woman who is at least a 7 and wont dump him.

on /r/relships there are a ton of things where there is a woman whose “BEST FRIEND” is a man or vice versa. bonus points if they once dated and or fooked or were/are FWB. and then the woman writes in bitching that her BF is jealous of her “BEST FRIEND” who is a man, who she once fooked, and its the BF’s fault for being controlling and insecure and immature and having jealousy issues, dump him now and find a more mature man.

had a dream with HER in it. i was hanging out with her i think in a group of people and she was being kinda bitchy to me, and I was passive aggressively talking to her like, remember when we used to be better friends than this, we used to be closer, you used to be nicer to me, what happened, why dont you ever want to hang out with me any more, and she was just being bitchy, like well im busy and youre annoying. be cooler and maybe id want to hang out with you more. but youre not cool enough to hang out with me one on one.

basically just acting like a random B rather than someone i was Actual Literal friends with. but those days are gone. LONG GONE. yet i still have the occasional dream. not too often thank god.

and yes you SHOULD be suspicious when a woman has a lot of male friends. even a bit JEALOUS if your GF has many male friends. how do you think SHE would feel if you YOU had MANY female friends?? just a little bit jealous!!!!!!

but just because its so much more common for women to have lots of male friends, than for men to have lots of female friends, the women think its just normal to have lots of male friends. when instead they should be asking themselves, hmm, why dont men have lots of female friends?  and how would i feel if the guys i dated had many female friends, the way i have tons of male friends?

i believe you would see a lot of jealousy from the women then, but you just dont see it now, because men just dont HAVE a lot of female friends for the women to be jealous of!

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN.

another simple truth women just dont understand and which even sounds profound to me, because the simple truth doesnt get stated nearly as much as it should. so we forget simple truths.

heh some people it takes half the time to get over it, ive seen some say it takes the SAME amount of time to get over, i would probably be closer to that. or how about 75%. yeah. cuz the first few months dont really “count.”

so, i had rounded 2.7 years up to 3 years and was saying 1.5 years, which puts me at feb 14 or so (hehehehehe how fitting) but… ok 75% of 2.7 years is 2.025 years. lets just say 2 years. which makes new dday mid july 2017. ok thats fine too.

HERES THE THING hehehehe channeling k1ke enoch. heres the thing. i wouldnt hate women so much if they did a similar thing, go no contact and just Stop Dating for Two Years. but they DONT. they are dating and FOOKING a new guy within two months MAX, even though it really DOES take them two years to get over the previous guy.

THEY FOOK AND DATE OTHER GUYS WHILE THEY ARE GETTING OVER PREVIOUS GUYS. THIS IS SHAMEFUL AND DISGUSTING. DONT DO IT. THIS IS WHY MEN DONT LIKE YOU HAHAHAHAHA.

just be ALONE. DONT TAKE DICKS. DONT DATE. DONT DATE OR FOOK for at LEAST a YEAR. then I would have a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT more respect for women. i dont want to date or fook women while IM getting over a previous woman. why do YOU have to FOOK men while you are getting over your previous man, ya dumb wh0re?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I accept being single and celibate for TWO YEARS!!!!! however long it takes to TRULY get over the person!

btiches on reddit think everything is abuse, and women not crazy enough to use reddit need to be abused in order to make them stay with you! you cant win! hahahaha.

basically i am wndering if reading /r/relships is TOXIC to me because its so toxic with stupid crazy women with their stupid crazy opinions.

well, the opinions themselves can actually be good: “why dont you try communicating with her like a grown adult and clearly addressing the issue.”  women SAYING this. but i’m pretty sure this doesnt really WORK with women, so if you DO it, youre screwed.

i dunno. maybe it does work with some women.

but i hate how women get a pass to be immature, and oh she cant communicate because shes ONLY 25 and shes ONLY been wth 20 guys and had 5 serious boifrans. you need to be 30 years old, been with 50 guys, and had 10 serious bfs before you know how to communicate like an adult.

NO YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

25 year old slut hates 28 virgin male, wants to dump him for being awkward with secs. women HATE male virgins. just tell bitches that you dont even know how many bitches youve banged. you lost count at 50 or 60.

dump him because hes a virgin and hes never watched porn. what a fooking bitch. critiquing every little thing he does. disgusting. she has NO respect for him whatsoever and thinks its ok to demonstrate that publicly. holy shit. he should dump the fook out of her.

she was so shocked and offended that he was NERVOUS and AWKWARD with secs and was awkawrd about putting on a con-dom. sheeeeit IM NOT A VIRGIN (hehehehe) and I would STILL be nervous and awkward about this because i havent had secs with a woman in 12 years. i think even if its only been 2 or 3 years you will still be awakwrd.

she is obviously WAY too comfortable with casual secs and he needs to get with less of a god damn whore. why doesnt he get with a nice mormon girl, it sounds like he is a mormon, and the OP is WAY too sex positive. sex positive is BAD. negative.

one good commenter says she is showing a huge lack of empathy for him. i agree. women have no empathy for men. men generally have more empathy than women. everything women can do, men can do better, include raise children, and except actually getting preggers and making babies. artificial wombs and sexbots and mgtow all the way hahahahaha we just dont NEED women for ANYTHING!@!!!!!!!!

this successful, decent, well-adjusted, good husband and father material virgin man DEFINITELY deserves a better woman for his First Lover, than this obnoxious slut. so sad. he is a succesful attorney making a lot of money and she STILL doesnt respect him because hes a virgin and puts on a condom weird. RUN from this skank.

if youre polyamorous (woman of course) and calling this poor guy your “side piece”, that is incredibly dehumanizing and disrespectful. “side piece” means some piece of trash that you are cheating with. you just can reappropriate that term because you are a poly slut. god damn i hate poly people hehehehe especially the women.

yeah i really gotta stop reading it. the women there are so bad. they are turning me into a woman hater. the WORST women gravitate to reddit. definitely getting a skewed sample there. and 80% of the people THERE are women. the worlds worst women. they’re not sending their best. so, i gotta find a place with more MEN, and where more of the women are decent.

i am getting a negative view of women by reading REDDIT.

also it doesnt help that WOMEN are more likely than MEN to be interested in and talk about relships. and its kinda weird for me, as a man, to be obsessed with the topic. men should have manly interests.

well i dont apologize for being interested in relships. suck muh dick.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/571382-haven-t-dated-decade-28-virgin-consdering-suicide

hehehehheeh going to loveshack. i HOPE they have better women, and more men.

its OK if things run their course. its OK if they fall out of love and dont want to work on the Dead Shark any more. but treat that damn dead shark with some dignity and try to minimise their pain when you leave.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/597124-do-all-dumpers-come-back-eventually-feel-regret

i was at church and saw a white family i had never seen before with 3 beautiful white teenage girls and i thought O MUH LAWD. one girl was was wearing a large ugly sweater which covered her tiny bottom, and she had her long hair done in two braids like some fookin aryan goddess in the wheat field. she was so qt and adorable i couldnt even think secsual thoughts. well, i COULD, but they were Couched in protective, loving feels. sort of like how a good father loves his daughter. and this is what women cant udnerstand about how men luv women. they think men just want to pump and dump women. WRONG. just the men THEY have been with. but at least half of men have good will and have this BEAUTIFUL love for a woman, KIND of like a father loves his daughter, but there is also a secsual component there.

maybe MEN dont understand the way WOMEN luv men?

well i think ideally we come back to the father daughter comparison. just like a good daughter is always loyal and loving to her father, same with the wife to her husband.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/310401-why-dumpers-eventually-want-reconcile-why-dumpees-eventually-don-t

unrelated hehehehe

well if she came “crawling back” to me, i would absolutely take her back, if she had been with less than 5 guys in the meantime, and didnt have any kids. those things would give me pause.

IF MEN HAD AS MANY FEMALE FRIENDS AS WOMEN HAD MALE FRIENDS, WOMEN WOULD BE EVEN MORE JEALOUS THAN MEN.

let that sink in, WOMEN hehehehehe.

and men, for that matter. if men had that many women friends, women would be INSECURE AF. even more than they accuse the men of being.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/421931-when-if-ever-does-dumper-truly-miss-dumpee-why

also i want to use MJ just because i think it would help me continue to get over her. i mean its just gonna take TIME (1.5 to 2 years) and that is kinda like chronic pain that you just have to suffer through for 2 years, which is long time. and MJ helps take the edge off of chronic longterm pain. and helps you sleep. helps pass the time.

http://evalion.org/

i guess i am sorta glad to see evalion back in action, but i just really want her to not do degenerate shit in her personal life, like take noodz and attention whore for orbiters. but i agree she is a fairly effective voice for pro-whites. im not going to CUCK for her as some perfect aryan princess though. i mean she’d really have to make a serious EFFORT if she wanted to convince me to be her man hahahaha.

 

yeah i mean i dont really trust HER because shes a WOMAN and i dont trust or like women, but i do generally like her content and i believe she is sincere until shes not hahahaha. i mean maybe she can help turn other women. but do women really listen to women more than men? are women really GOOD at anything other than making babies? well, they are good at getting attention, thats for sure. which, in evalions case, means getting shut down quickly. which is wrong. she shouldnt be shut down.

i guess my concern is, are all the new people she is reaching, will they be around in 1 or 2 years, or will they listen to anything any qt gurl says???

thing is, theres plenty of qt leftist gurls making videos about why being an antiwhite is kewl…..right?

also i think pathetic virgin guys are probably sick and tired of feminists and that could be their gateway to the right. they wont beleive feminism even if a qt young gurl says it. so when a qt young gurl talks abotu anti feminism and pro white ring wing stuff, they get into it.

we need more strong, successful, powerful men in the alt right. 25 year old men who are doing well in their careers, making 100 grand, just decent boyscout eagle scout white men who are prob politically moderate or apolitical, and are just boyscouts making good money, get them to start to care about their whiteness.  we dont need losers and neets who watch girls on youtube. we dont need people like me hahahahaha.

i mean for 50 years the pro white right has has no shortage of misfits and weirdos and creeps and felons and neets and just total fookin losers. drunks and druggies who get 1488 swastikas tattooed on their face. people who think effective political action is getting drunk and doing lone wolf attacks against nonwhites.

we NEED successful, respected people. managers and successful, respected white men with good careers, wives, and children. something i would LOVE to be but probably never will.

this is why i dont go to real life alt right meetups, this is why i dont actively search for women. because i realize my lack of value as a huge loser in life with nothing to bring to the table for real people hahahahaha.

like when i became friends with that woman, and later fell in luv with her, i was not on okcupid looking for women to date. i knew my mate value was so low that i had no chance. i had voluntarily taken myself off the market and was not even trying. it sucked that i even knew a woman i could possibly get feelings for. well at least now i dont have that problem. and my mate value is even LOWER than it was then, hehehehehe. making 10 dollars an hour at a part time job. i knew i couldnt get a woman with that! well now i make 0 dollars at 0 hours a week! at least then i had a job I had stayed at for 5 years without going crazy at all! i was in NO danger of Panicquitting that job! i was just coasting along and then one day i met HER. if i had never met HER i never would have become friends with her, would have never gotten that new terrible job, would have never gotten feelings for her, would have never gone crazy, and would have never hit muh Lowest Point Ever. I probably would have still be Coasting at that awesome, but unresepectable, job.

that would have been shameful but not nearly as shameful and pathetic as what I am in now.

also when you have a female friend its a LOT easier to not be a woman hater. because you can always look to your female friend and be like SEE? nothing wrong with HER, and we get along just fine. not all women are horrible. not all women want nothing to do with me. i am a normie man and am capable of getting along with women. it kind of “anchors” you. and without that, you can go off the deep end! and that is where i am right now.

so yeah basically when i get hateful or annoyed at women, like That Woman or these awful reddit women, I just need to:

  1. think of this one real life woman I know who I am really only minor acquaintances with but she is a good person and not a whore
  2. think of ANN COULTER, who might be the best real life woman ever.

yeah i know “St Anne” is a dirty mudshark and degenerate and only crazy women are POLITICAL and she is grossly anorexic…..but it is hard as a right wing person not to like her. i like to think if i were dating her she would dump me in a mature manner, hehehehe.

she would say, im sorry, but i just cant commit to you right now, i dont want to put in the effort, i cant do it, im sorry to disappoint you, youre a good person and you’ll find somebody who is able to give you what you deserve, but it aint me, im sorry. i totally understand if you block me and go no contact because im mature enough to understand that its hard to be just friends when you get dumped, and i am trying to be a good dumper here and appreciate your pain as the dumpee. sincerely, st anorexic anne the mudshark hahahahaha.

no i give a pass to ann to be political, to be a mudshark, to not have children, to be a catlady, because her content is SO GOOD hahahaha. i bet she is Joo-wise too, she has come close to saying some joo-wise things. which is REALLY impressive given her stature. i luv ann.

anxiety might be my bigger problem than despair, i think constant anxiety is the root cause of the despair because the anxiety kept me from doing anything: jobs, women, taking chances and risks, taking action.

well i do go to as many interviews as i can. its not like i skip the interviews………….which many people with anxiety DO!!!!!!

i just cant get the job and i am constantly anxious over Whats Gonna Happen on the job. but I am actually fairly confident I CAN eventually get a shitty anxiety provoking job after going through like 30 interviews.

 

BEING A GOOD PERSON DOESNT MEAN SH1T IN THE MATING MARKET

but it really SHOUDL hahahaha. also also in the job market for that matter. I mean it DOES really matter to me, and for the state of your soul. and it matters with your friends and family.  it just doesnt matter with women or jobs. and those are two VERY important markets in life.

aug 11

hisssss leave me alone lads hahahaha

heres the question, when going to a DOCTOR, should I trust a White WOMAN over a nonwhite MAN?

because i am now seeing this White Woman DO, GP, Fam Practice Doc for citalopram refills every 6 months. she is not bad, she is def white, but also def a WOMAN.

weird dreams last night, unfort heavy involvement of the woman. in it she was shrinking into a defenseless baby, but also refused to communicate.

but she also refused to run away. so she stayed around for whatever reason, maybe she was scared to leave, but she was staying, but she also wasnt saying ANYTHING and was being very moody and difficult and bitchy.

but she was STAYING and that was the important thing. I was being a bet niceguy tyring to comfort her saying its ok sweetie, i’ll be here fore you when you want to talk.

then there was this alpha male playing rock guitar and she looked at him and then I feared that that would be enough to make her leave me.

he was a white guy who i went to college with 10+ years ago and was never superfriends with, but he was a good guy and I got along with him. he was a rare Country Hick who went to the univ. He was very very smart, and into writing fiction (I think) and gambling. i feel he wasnt some kind of mindless marxist. i hear he went back to the middle of nowhere and did nothing with his life, much like me hahahaha. except i am not in the middle of nowhere hahahaha.

so she didnt leave me for him but i didnt like the interested way she looked at him!

it was kinda like when the loving person is trying to help some traumatized child who cant or wont talk. the child is staying with you, so that’s good……..but they aren’t being cooperative beyond that. and what if they did leave? youd feel shitty for investing so much of yourself in trying to help them, when obviously they resented it and you.

then the dream got really weird with lots of weird creature horror cronenberg type stuff, where she was shrinking into like a cat rat baby hiding in small dark spaces.

and then there was even weirder shit. this grotesque skeleton nun appeared displaying these poor animals she was torturing/K’ing by essentially skinning them down to the bone, while leaving as much skin on some parts of the body so as to keep them alive as long as possible. however the nun herself was a kind of animated, partially skinned human corpse, who was supposedly the father of another man in the dream, who was either supposed to be my Professional Partner in helping/treating That Woman (who by this time was a scrawny cat rat child)…..or something.

so anyway the mans father was partially skinned into a barely living human skeleton dressed up as a mockery of a catholic nun, who themself was doing a similar skinjob on these animals. cats and dogs. but the idea was, it wasnt of their free will, they were being controlled / possessed by some demon or devil like in the exorcist.

these are the types of dreams I have when I am at my average!!!!!! hahahahaha.

i think woman 2012 also made a cameo appearance, hahahahha.

ok got 60 minutes of power hour peak UVB vitamin D sun, 2:15 to 3:15.  1 to 2 would have been better but i was at the dr. i am hoping sunshine activated vitamin d is the magic bullet that cures everything wrong with me hehehe.

this was a great vidya from this poor lost soul.

now he does watch sarcuck of cuckad, and quotes a socialist at the end of this vidya, but uhhhh the points he makes in this vidya are unimpeachable. i just hope he isnt really a socialist. for the sake of his own soul!

anyway the interesting thing about that dream is, somebody can be unwilling to communicate with you, but theyre still willing to STAY WITH you. that is a nice bona fide. of course, maybe they’re just too scared to leave you, and as soon as they build the strength, they will leave you.

she was absolutely not willing to stay with me, in the sense that she was “with me” as a friend, somebody in my life that I talked to, texted, hopefully hung out with, but not any more.

but yeah i guess time really does heal all wounds, i can tell i WILL get over this SOMEDAY………..

…….it just takes a RIDICULOUSLY long time, like TWO YEARS of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. and by then, someone who was very important to you, who you wanted to be the mother of your children, will have faded away into a faded memory like all the other women. and then you will be a 35 year old loser who never had a proper GF and doesnt have a proper job and you know you will never find a nice 7/10 white 25 year old n<4 woman ever again.

oh yeah. got called for interview today. 12k a year job hahahaha. 12k. 11 dollars an hour, 20 hours a week. unbelieveable. but the job seems like it would be easy and stress free. back at the old employer i had from 2008-13. ideally would get the job and then be able to find Secret Internal Jobs, then get a FT one of those for 30k a year. The End. Life Goal Achieved.

the woman who called me sounded really confused and disoriented. she was clearly having a bad day. she sent me an email as discussed and it had some errors in it. i hope she was just having a bad day and this is not her average hahahaha becuase my average is WAY better than that hahahahaha. and she is making 30k a year. like some damn fatcat plutocrat factory owning capitalist hahahaha. how much does her HUSBANDO make.

the st andrean guy brings up an interesting point: back in the DAY, low level retail and cust serv people didnt have to THINK. “we dont pay you to THINK!” but now you have to demonstrate how you are a FAST and CREATIVE and GREAT THINKER UNDER PRESSURE for a damn 12 dah part time job. now you need to THINK FAST all day so you can solve customers problems and keep them from bitching at the manager.

then how do dumb negers get fast food and walmart jobs then?

affirmative action hahahahahahahaha.

and then i just remembered its HER birthday this month. but the good news is i didnt realize that until 10 days into the month hahahaha. now SHE is getting old. i wonder if she will have any mud baby Sprogs by the time she is 30. or if she will Abort the Sprogs and focus on her career.  yeah but a woman like her really NEEDS a MAN.  i wonder how many cox shes fooked in the past year. she used to be a beautiful person. “inside and out.” way to become a slut after age 25. so sad. hey u could married ME!!!!

and

basically i worry that SHE WAS THE BEST. I’LL NEVER FIND A BETTER WOMAN THAN HER. Young, Pure, Innocent, Nice, AND good looking. she was the FULL package. she just didnt luv me.

every woman I meet I will just end up comparing to HER, and SHE will beat them.

that’s my fear now. because as an old loser man, i don’t have any value in the mating market.

being a good person IS an important thing in life, with friends and family, in society……

but it doesnt mean SHIT in the mating market!

it doesnt mean SHIT in the market where New Human Life is created!

isn’t that weird?

Also what I’m assmad about at women is not just that they are going against their natural role……

but that they are so ENTHUSIASTICALLY, WILLINGLY rebelling against their natural role!

yes lets enjoy lots of casual sex! yes lets become powerful leaders in companies! yes lets have strong powerful careers and make big decisions! they LOVE it!

Whereas I am deviating from MY natural role as a MAN….but it wasn’t my CHOICE, and I SURE as hell dont LIKE it!!!!!

took some nyquil. then will go for walk num 2. was kinda useless today. zero job apps. not sure how that happened. i blame the dr appt, and also much hourlong walk in the afternoon. but really i think THAT is more important than doing an hour of jobsearching at that time.

also I get a lot of emails every day and it takes tiem just to scan them. i get SOME (not a lot) APPLY jobs out of these emails. it essentially takes the place of looking at the main indeed list.

also yesterday i learned that “stupid ghetto people” all use indeed. i chuckled and said really. just curious, what do nonghetto, smart people use? apperantly they use monster. this is coming from a Manager who hires and fires Ghetto people hehehehe.  i am more racist than him but he sees the reality more than I do! I guess he is just that concerned about not being thought of as a racist. i dont have that anxiety hahahaha.  i just have plenty of other anxieties. about my competence to do basic jobs and to mate with wimmin hahaha.

shit i wish i never met her. when will i ever get along that well with another woman again? of that high quality?

i mean yeah i can live without women, i can live without being close to a woman………but i got a TASTE of it……and i really liked it, and now i want MOAR. very much like when i pseudodated those gurls 10 years ago. different because this was more important, it wasnt psuedo anything, it was real, it was long term, there was an actual rel between people, and it hurt moar. but similar in that it gave me a tiny taste of something real good that  i knew I wanted MORE of. i didn’t want to go my whole life without experiencing that.

well maybe it will take ANOTHER 10 years.

i guess when i am 45, the 30 year old wimmin will look pretty damn hot hahahahahahahahaha.

now by that time, the women will have CERTAINLY taken a ot of dix and be crazier and be more duplicitous hehehehe.

who cares. i took some nyquil as usual every 2 or 3 days. took the full dose this time. around 6 pm. nice and early. hahahaha. recreational use of nyquil to feel numb and sleepy hours before going to bed. but yeah it really does impact your thinking. cannot think clearly at all. very sluggish.

so yeah writing becomes evn more shitty. but i guess its easier to not think negative thoughts. unless you get there automatically, then you dont have the mental energy to fight them off hahahaha.

george feels says he did his college at a crappy diploma mill and got a degree in “computer science.” he makes it sound like it was just as boring and easy and useless as high school. just coast thru, never really learn anything useful. and right now he is struggling to teach himself the C language. WTF DID HE DO DURING THIS COLLEGE? why wouldnt he learn C or C++ in a “computer science” program? maybe they did java or python hehehehe.

but it sounded like the shittiest college, he would have been better off going to damn community college.  i mean shit i learned enough about C++ and “computer science” at community college, learned enough to know i could never do this for a career, cuz the amount of stuff you had to know and master is STAGGERING. just to get a part time job hahaha.

i prefer what st andrean had to say. just dont go to college unless you are a GOD DAMN GENIUS, AND you have very good social skills, AND you are getting internships and networking with people working in the field, AND you go to a GREAT uni. so only go to college if ALL those are true. THought that was a great point.

tons of autist nerds are good at math, science, computers, but terrible socially. you need to be GOOD socially to turn your college degree into a career. the better socially, the better for your career.

so you really need to be great at everything. be the computer nerd with the charismatic social skills of don trump. i would think this is the very rare computer nerd hahaha.

or a guy like bill clinton is a disgusting degen sleazebag, but hes got GREAT social skills.

also we virgins never get to see what trump is like when he is seducing women. but shit an alpha male, at that point they are seducing HIM!

oh for gods sakes, that st andrean in exile guy shut his channel down TODAY. he had some honestly good stuff. i think he shut his own self down, because he did nto have any racist stuff. the powers that be still allow sexist stuff but not racist stuff. and sexist stuff is getting pretty big. i guess  shillary could try to shut it down but i just dont see it. but the race nut is a MUCH harder nut to crack than the secs nut. all these woman hating mgtows who are too scared to become racists hahaha.

aug 12

ok. 10.13 am and i have cleared out my 13 or 14 new emails from overnight. all job related stuff. i gotta get rid of some of these alerts hahaha. right now i have such a “backlog” of APPLY jobs, I can really only afford to add jobs if I classify them as “APPLYYYYYY”, ie, they are obvious standouts.

WE DONT PAY YOU TO THINK!

well in 2016 you must think of bullshit to keep your angry customers pacified, because your company is so LEAN that they cut corners everywhere and give shitty product, shitty service, creating tons of unhappy customers. and you have to THINK FAST and BULLSHIT in order to RETAIN those unhappy customers.

make promises and excuses when you dont even know what youre talking about. well have it for you as soon as possible. the price PROBABLY wont go up. oh it did? oops you got unlucky. it is what it is, you dont have to be happy about it, better luck next time!

i dunno. i just think the best “company culture” is when they are SERIOUS about giving good service to their CUSTOMERS, AND they are SERIOUS about treating their lowest employees well. namely giving them good training and helping them serve the customers well. not just bullshitting, and excuses, and runarounds, and avoiding, and passing the buck, and kciking the can, and saying we dont do that, or we have no record of that, or no, call them back, they are wrong, we really DONT do this, or we dont do that, talk to your manager, i did, he said call you, then call your managers manager.

where managers are there ONLY to make things “LEANER” and they dont know SHIT about how to actually do the work of the department. and they have been brought in from outside. ALWAYS PROMOTE FROM WITHIN. how hard is this to understand.

these anti-management attitudes of mine make me a borderline socialist, that and i am generally against Wanton Greed, and I am also against Wanton GROWTH where the growth is unsustainable. but you have to keep up with inflation goy.

1% growth isnt good enough when inflation is 3%! is that the idea??!?!?!?!

drinking weak coffee and my stomach is churning and gurgling extremely loudly and frequently.

went to store and picked up new refill of citalopram and some groceries.

i honestly dont know how ALL people are not RED PILL. just going to the superstore is BLACK PILLING. maybe its just too much. i mean you dont want to BLACK pill people. then they dont even care about red pill blue pill anymore, and become one of those fat mouth breathing zombies you see at the supermarket.

did see some qt 16 year old girls there with their Moms tho hahahahahaha.

shit i am probably old enough to be their FATHER hahahaha.

all these fookin jobs are for Seniors and Leads and Managers……………….

WHY ARENT YOU HIRING FROM WITHIN?

well PROBABLY they WILL end up hiring from within, which is good, they just HAVE to post the job externally.

ok fine…….BUT WHERE ARE THE POSTINGS FOR LEVEL 1 PEOPLE????!?!?!?!?!?

the postings for level 2 and above seem to outnumber the postings for level 1 by like 2 or 3 to 1…….AT LEAST.

too many chiefs, not enough indians!

now level2 and level3 aren’t “managers” per se. they are more subject matter experts, ie, people who ACTUALLY know what they’re doing. the people you really wish you could talk to , but you cant, because they only work on escalated cases, and advising stupid level 1s.

MOST level 2’s i worked with were good as hell, they deserved their status. about 30% didn’t.

but even the good ones weren’t necessarily Good to the level 1s who wanted their help.

thankful to be able to go out at 1pm for powerwalk in peak of days sun hahaha.

partly cloudy unfort but should still get some sun.  i guess it can break through the clouds somewhere. wheres a level 2. an SME hahaha.

i cant believe MORE average people dont go MAD from the ridiculous demands of Work. i mean these deamnds do not seem fulfillable by the average person! these unreasonable demands! so I guess i am a bit jelly of all these normies who go to work and don’t go crazy. they just turn into fat stupid assholes. black pill hahahaha.

heh. these employers HIDE BEHIND their PORTALS. I am trying to apply to hospital job and it errors out when i try to upload res. over and over. so now I just have to WAIT until they fix it. theyre probably not even AWARE of it. and theres no way to report it.  but it was just working an hour ago, because i applied to a job at that time.

its a god damn ridiculous oracle people soft type system that is stupid as fook. always signing out, buttons and links dont work, its fooked. i really dont want to clear cookies and all that. i guess its not a big deal because i just have it reopen all tabs automiatically.

so yeah i am pretty much planning to go to this labor day thing with old college friends. should be pretty fun. i mean most of them are all successful and shit but who cares, they are nice people and thats all that matters.

also one of the guys is not a super duper YUGE winner like the others hahaha. and he is still a super duper great guy.

is it considered a good bullshit detector if you think everything is bullshit? you are so sensitive to bullshit you think EVERYTHING is bullshit? even stuff that isnt bullshit?

yeah well most stuff IS bullshit, so can you blame me for thinking EVERYTHINGS bullshit?

so i got impatient, clicked on use previous resume, then accidentally forgot to click on i am over 18, and then it Disqualified me, now I cant apply for the job AT ALL. I try to do it again and says sorry you cant. FOOOOOCCKKKK. it gives you a phone number to call. i am not gonna call it unless i am blocked from applying to OTHER jobs.  SOOOOO stupid.

OHHH rejected for MAIL CLERK job at other hspital ive sent 40 applications to. wouldnt be the first time ive been rejected for mail clerk hahahaha. sorry, FILE clerk. hmm only took 2 days for them to reject me. 2 days since i applied.

NO i dont spell shit wrong in my Packet!!!! like i do here. there, everything is perfect.

all these companies send rejection letters on friday from 430 to 5 pm hahahaha. i wonder why this is hahahahaha.

also, just because HR for the big company sends you a rej letter for one job, doesnt mean they’ll send you one for all jobs at that company.

i obviously need to take my Main Standards of:

25 years old

n<4

7/10

and Walk Them Back a bit. but how much? I would say just a tiny bit at a time, until someone reaches the New, Lower Standard hahahaha. so lets make the new standard n<5. that will make the pool a little larger hahaha.

its not like i have 100 applications to pick from hahahaha. i have 0 applications to pick from.

oh noes, katie ledecky is at least 25% JOOISH. so if i had children with her, they would be 12.5% jooish. is that too much? kind of. I would prefer my children be less than 6.25% nonwhite.

i looked her up because i kind of liked her weird horseface and maybe she even sort of reminded me of That Woman in having a weird face that doesnt seem like it should be qt. WELL, wait until she is 30 or 40! wont be so qt any more!

fathers side is from czech. mother is half j00ish. yikes. and she herself is a “roman catholic”. YIKES.

does michael phelps wife let him fook rando gurls when hes at the olympics?

is he even married? i thought he was and he def has a keed. i hope they dont have an open marriage.

like he didnt get enough action BEFORE he was married!

customer service. jeez. i just cant do it ALL DAY LONG. maybe put me on phones for 1 hour….but then have me switch on and off, on and off. customers 1 hour, no customers next hour, then back on, then back off etc. but all customers for 8 hours is just holy shit. its like private pyle trying to survive the military. the military would be EASIER. how do people do this and not K themselves moar?

i MIGHT be able to WITHSTAND if i had a good waifu to build me up at the end of the long day…..but good waifus dont like guys who cant handle tuff situations all day. they dont like such WEAK men.

well remember, george feels worked at best buy geek squad for like 2 months MAX because he was too anxious about the customers and not feeling like he was trained to handle it. cuz the training was minimal, classic swim or sink thrown to the wolves shit. george freaked out and quit, and then got his awesome job at the liberry where he continues to work today.

he says that now he might try to tough it out at best buy a little longer to force himself to get better with people.

its all in this one, good summary of george telling his life story.

i think its something we shuld all do, to try to get perspective. you can see the link on the right side where i started doing Muh Life Story and then put it on this blog. cant remember the lessons i learned. oh yeah. much like george, i reaped what i sowed, and i failed to nip shit in the bud when i was young. i just ignored them and did stupid shit and assumed that everything would turn out all right as long as i got a college degree. NOPE.

yeah realy i wish there were like 2 classes in high school preparing you how to deal with customers ALL DAY. how to deal with their stupid bullshit. them bitching about CONFUSING stuff and how you could work under pressure and answer to the most ridiculous bullshit. certainly high school COULD prepare you for that….but it didnt. like put you in simulations where you could have a Safe Word to get out if you got too flustered. and just practice practice practice. like practicing a SPORT. you PRACTICE 10 times more than you actually have official matches. you practice so you’ll be ready for the match/game/competition/tournament. i wish i had done that in order to prepare for customers on the job.

heh. i would prob quit geek squad too georgie boy! i cant blame you! anyway he eventually got some more customer service experience when he switched jobs at the liberry.

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

I had some SOLID, BIGBOY, REAL WORLD, REAL MAN Customer Service Experience, a full YEARS worth, in a CALL CENTER, taking CALLS all day on the WEIRDEST shit that I had NO IDEA how to do.

was it WORTH IT?

maybe…..but at this point it doesnt really feel like it. and i feel like I could never do it again. just the thought strikes fear deep into my heart so I am AVOIDING all jobs that seem like they would have TOO MUCH (>50%) cust serv.

WOMEN YOUNGER than me have opened up their own Clinical/Counseling practices. like this 25 year old broad i see making a duckface on linkedin. LCSW, LLC, LLP. but who i really want to help are single white men with despair and anxiety, and white neets and such. thing is, these people are not likely to seek help.  alot of people only go to counseling because they are FORCED by court or probation. i guarantee some of those men are white!

but yeah honestly i did some GREAT, STRONG work, and TOUGHED IT OUT in some real TOUGH MAN shit, when i thought I would BREAK under the pressure. but NO, I STAYED THE COURSE. Weathered the storm.

So i have PROVED I can handle tough situations and tough customers. however, add a shitty situation with a woman and THAT is my breaking point.

i mean it WAS a realy unique situation i dont EVER see happening again. both the fact that she did not respond AT ALL, PLUS the fact that we worked in the same office.

it wasnt the CUSTOMERS that pushed me over the edge, it was HER, or really, my inability to DEAL with her.

i guess THEORETICALLY i could get another job and fall in luv with another coworker. i just hope i deal with it better! and i think i really cant not deal with it better! i would just send an email or text saying WE NEED TO TALK NAO. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR U.

then she will freak out, say were done, and i will put in a 2 weeks notice hahahahaha.

no i will try to move my shift, or move to where i cannot see her.

if i am running out of Meds, I will go to an Urgent Care to see if they can write me an emergency refill.

again i really dont think the running out of meds was what caused me to go over the edge. it was i just couldnt handle that ridiculous situation.

 

TORTURE PRON : THE DEGENERATE PSEUDO-RELATIONSHIPS WOMEN HAVE

june 19

happy j00 years eve. if you are a woman making out and sucking dik at midnight, congratulations, you are an unmarriageable whore degenerate. enjoy getting old with your cats and fatherless mud children, ya fat piece of shit hahahaha. things are alot worse for you at 30 than they were at 20, eh? bet you wish you married your first BF who you callously threw away because you just had to get more “Experience.” now HE’s happily married with 3 children and making 80 grand a year and wouldn’t think of taking you back.

Anger towards women much??? hahahaha. like i said, I’m in a phase. phases last at least 3 months.

or maybe he’s still heartbroken 10 years later and became a huge loser and hasnt been with another woman since, and would gladly take you back, even though youve gotten a lot worse, but you dont want him because he’s more pathetic and unnattractive than gangster thug deadbeat blacks hahaha ya damn dirty MUDSHARK.

BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, WE DONT WANT YOU BACK.

did i post this DF post I made yet? well here it is::::

Welcome to DF! Thanks for sharing your story and feel free to share more.

I am not a professional and can only speak of my own experience, but many of us seem to have shared some similar experiences, hahaha. So I can’t really add much new to this topic.

One thing I do find interesting is how bad people are at reading signals. In my opinion, it’s much better to have an open, direct conversation rather than rely on nonverbal signals to do the talking.

However, when I have feelings for someone, I feel like the signals I’m sending them are impossible to miss. How can they NOT see I have feelings for them? So it is possible that this woman already has an idea that you like her. Maybe not, though. Just as signals are often unnoticed or misinterpreted, people can also be obtuse and not notice obvious signals.

Well, probably some signals of some things are clearer than others. I don’t know. I had a similar situation that ended badly and I have been in pain and confusion for months afterwards. Just not knowing, not understanding, being confused. Not fun!

So for this reason, I always encourage to just talk to the person. Or write them an email. Or send them a text saying “by the way, the person I like….is you” hahahaha. It might not change the general outcome, but I think it’s a much better way of dealing with that outcome.

Of course many people are not good at communicating either. You can want to communicate with them, and they can refuse to communicate with you, and if you’re like me, you may desperately beg “PLEASE RESPOND” hahaha. Sure sign of a bad situation there, haha.

Anyway maybe telling her how you feel, and it doesn’t need to be a big dramatic thing either, maybe just something like “yeah I think I have a crush on you and I was really surprised to see you dating this new guy so soon. Couldn’t you tell from the way I was acting? Have you ever had feelings for someone they did not return? How did it make you feel? How did you handle it? Maybe we should spend some time apart until this blows over. Call me if you feel like dating hahaha”

Maybe try to help them understand how you’re feeling, by getting them to think of a time they were interested in somebody who wasn’t interested in them. I can’t imagine this is ever a pleasant feeling. One-sided, unrequited feelings.

I’ve only ever been on the giving end of one-sided feelings, but I imagine being on the receiving side of it is very awkward, and we are well aware that many people avoid anything awkward like the plague. Just ignore it and hope it goes away. In my opinion, this is an immature way of “dealing” with things. Probably the pain of having one-sided feelings is a lot worse that the pain of awkwardness the receiver of one-sided feelings feels.

Knowing what I do about having one-sided feelings, if someone ever felt that way about me, I would want them to talk to me about it. But I’m not sure if I’d be mature enough to say “You seem to be acting weird. Do you have a crush on me or something?” hahaha. Well, I would HOPE to be that mature.

At the very least, telling her might give you more of a sense of closure, and be able to move on and get over it more quickly. Like, I clearly told her, and she clearly said yes or no. Of course she might not clearly say yes or no….. At that point I might put my foot down, and say “I need to know yes or no. Think of when you had a crush on somebody, wouldn’t YOU want to know yes or no?”

But I think anything that isn’t a definite yes……is a no. “I don’t know” = no.

OK that’s enough of my unsolicited advice, hahaha. I’m not telling you you should do this necessarily, but just something to think about. I know in my tribulations with unrequited feelings, I wish I had been more direct and timely with my verbal communication. Please let us know how things go!

Also, I think a gap year is a good thing. I wish I had done a gap year….or 2 or 3! I was wayyyy too immature and unfocused when I started college (“uni” as you Brits call it, haha), and as a result I got a useless degree, and have not really moved forward in my life in the 10 years since graduating uni. At 30+ years old, I still feel like I am 18-20, hehehe. Also I wish I had seen a therapist at around that age (18-20), which might have helped address my issues before they became bigger problems. Also I would caution you not to use drugs or alcohol to try to escape your worries! Those can become very bad habits that ultimately just make things worse.

Good luck and please let us know how things are going!

END POST

on a guy who works with a female friend and he likes her but she doesnt like him. and she apparently has no idea how he feels. how does this even happen? i know signals suck, but thats one of the easiest signals there is!

another post i just made today:::

I think different people have different expectations regarding sex, and it is best if we can pair-up with somebody who agrees with us on this issue. For example, I have no interest in casual sex. I think sex is inherently very powerful and profound, as it is the process that creates new life. But because it has a “pleasurable” component (supposedly, hahahaha), I think a lot of people try to separate that pleasure component from the reproductive component, and that can cause mismatches of expectations among people. It possibly explains the motive for casual sex, in that it’s something you can do for “fun”, and take steps to minimize the reproductive aspect. But even when I was younger and had a MUCH stronger libido, I didn’t want to have sex outside of a committed, meaningful relationship, possibly because I felt the hedonistic/pleasure aspect could never be fully separated and compartmentalized from the reproductive aspect. You were sharing something deep and special with someone else, so ideally you would have a special relationship with a special person.

So as a 21-year-old virgin with no success with women, I was feeling increasingly insecure, as all of my friends were not virgins, had been in longterm relationships, etc. I think I made up my mind to just “get it over with” and see what happens then. I met a young woman who was very experienced and she was very willing. Not surprisingly, I got feelings for her very quickly, and was heartbroken when she got bored with me. I felt a bit resentful that I had “compromised my ideals” and had “thrown my virginity away” on someone who wasn’t interested in a real relationship. I vowed that I would re-establish my original plan of “waiting for somebody special.” (Not that I didn’t think she was very special at the time! She just didn’t want to have a relationship with me.)

I soon met another young woman (I was in college/uni, never again was meeting women so easy!) and we began hanging out and I started to get feelings for her. I had a few possible chances to have sex, but I said to myself NOPE I just want to take this slowly and just enjoy non-sexual physical things like cuddling and making out (which to me, were very enjoyable and MUCH more in my comfort zone than sex, which seemed so special and serious! Unfortunately the people I was interacting with did not seem to share my opinion on that.). She dumped me soon after because she felt I was wanting a serious relationship (and I did!), but she did not. And then I was angry that I DIDN’T have sex with her when I had the “chance.”

Then I finished college and tried to become an adult, hahaha, and have been a spectacular failure with women ever since, not even getting so far as “casual dating.”

For me, I have come to accept my own rather traditional, conservative views on sex. It’s been pretty easy accepting that, and a lot harder accepting OTHER people’s more casual attitude towards sex. But I accepted that my ideal partner had to be someone who agreed with me on this point.

(For what it’s worth, this has given me a clear perspective on “the double standard” between men and women, i.e., this “double standard” is explained very elegantly and succinctly by the very different reproductive roles of men and women. That is, women face much greater risks/costs/disadvantages because they get pregnant for 9 months, while a man can impregnate 10 different women in a day and then run off in the night, with no further responsibility required! For me, this made perfect sense when considering women as “the choosers” and men as “the initiators” or “the salesmen.” Of course, I felt angry and unconfident and like a failure, because I was a particularly bad “salesman” and couldn’t get any women to choose me!!)

So in short, I personally don’t care for casual sex, because I believe sex is by nature not very casual, but instead very intimate, so it is best experienced in a truly intimate relationship. However, even though I wish I had lost my virginity in the context of an intimate relationship, I am kind of glad I “got it over with” when I did, because like you say, there is a very real stigma against male virgins.

However I guess I practically AM a reborn male virgin at 30+ years of age, because I haven’t had any experience since, because I am stubbornly holding out for a real, intimate, committed, longterm, monogamous relationship, which has been VERY hard to come by hahaha. If sex is difficult to get (although its hard to imagine it as such in the hypersexualized culture in which we live!) then a committed relationship is even more difficult!

So yeah it really rustles me to see this “hypersexualized” culture where sex is treated as a hedonistic, pleasurable thing, with no deeper meaning, like the “hook up” culture and “casual dating” and “chill hangouts” and tinder and such.

That being said, if I were being offered casual sex, I would probably take it, just to experience it once again after so many years. But I am confident that it would never replace my life-long goal to find a long-term partner to have children with.

Getting older and thinking more about having children definitely shifted my views on sex, made me think more about it as The Life Creation Process. I began to feel a deeper respect for life itself, and the process which creates it, and then feeling disgust to see people treating it like some hedonistic game.

People are gonna definitely disagree with me, but this is just my own opinion! I am not judging anybody here. Sometimes people go through different phases/stages. Sometimes you want casual sex, sometimes you only want intimate sex within a serious relationship. I simply have never made any serious effort to pursue casual sex!

And also I would reiterate that if you have sex with someone who has vastly different views on sex as you do – for example, you take it very seriously, and they take it very casually – that is probably not going to end well. Regardless of your beliefs, both people should probably be on the same page.

Let’s talk about SEX, bay-bee hahahahahahaha

Anyone else feel free to rant, and make my rant look like less of a rant, haha.

end post.

me talking to a 21 year old male virgin sperg who just needs to get drunk and bang some stupid slut like i did when I was 21. then fall in luv with her and get thrown away by her and only have secs 2 times in your whole life hahaha.

some more posts in the thread, by me, basically talking to that guy:

well….. just to clarify, hehe. Meeting women wasn’t “EASY” per se, as I for 3 out of 4 years I struggled greatly with that, and didn’t meet any women, was painfully shy and withdrawn. However my final year I met a new group of friends who turned out to be very good, nice, decent, great people, thank goodness. They were also very social. So my social life jumped overnight from having 1 or 2 friends and knowing no women, to having 3 or 4 or 5 friends and knowing several women, and meeting new people regularly. Really I just got lucky by meeting the right group of people! Very lucky, and I am very grateful I met them, because like I say, they were good friends who accepted me for who I was, and I did not have to “wear a mask” or try to be someone I’m not in order to fit in with them.

Prior to that I always felt like an outsider, misanthrope, loner, but I also wanted to have real friends and to “fit in” socially to some extent. Which I think is natural. I’m still basically the same way, always have been.

So it was for the first time in my life a socially stimulating and exciting time. I was unprepared for it. I enjoyed it, but I also had a bad habit of drinking too much, and also I “had to” drink in order to have any confidence with women. Indeed when I first met the woman I would lose my virginity with, I was quite under the influence, for better and for worse.

I can’t recommend drinking to excess, however I also can’t deny that it helped “take the edge off” when talking to women, “liquid courage” and all that. But I was also drinking to escape feelings of depression and doubt in general, so, definitely not a good thing.

Ideally, I would have faced my anxiety with women WITHOUT the use of alcohol, and just gotten used to talking to them without alcohol.

Well, to be fair, after the initial first meeting, I was completely sober when hanging out with and “getting to know” the women.

But yeah, maybe “EASY” wasn’t the most accurate word, because prior to that, meeting women was terribly difficult, and since then, meeting women has been terribly difficult! It was really a serendipitous thing based on my new circle of friends at that time. In some ways it felt like a temporary window into “normal” social life, hahaha. I just wish my few experiences with women had been more long-lasting!

And when I say “hypersexualized”, I don’t know, I could be completely wrong about that. Part of that probably comes with my own obsession with sex! And creating this possibly-fictionalized nightmare-world where we are living in a thoroughly Decadent and Debauched world, akin to the Fall of Rome! But I am still convinced that there is generally a lot of casual sex going on, hahaha. Stories of high schoolers sexting each other and such. But you are right that to some extent, this stuff has ALWAYS been going on. I think it is part of being human that we have the height of libido from ages 16-20 or so, and this is probably part of our prehistoric past trying to compel us to reproduce as soon as possible.

I still wonder considering all the drama between men and women, if people are really communicating about sex, or relationships, as much as they should be. I am the world’s biggest fan of Communication, I can’t even begin to emphasize how important I think Communication is in any relationship. People need to communicate their expectations and thoughts and feelings to each other, and they seem so bad at doing that!

But yeah I hear ya, it is very hard finding someone you connect with. Fortunately I have found a few people that I did feel a real connection with, that I did want to have a serious relationship with….but the feelings were never returned, resulting in heartbreak for me.

It’s hard enough finding someone you have feelings for, and THEN they have to have similar feelings back towards YOU? What are the odds of that? That’s like 1 in a million TIMES another 1 in a million, therefore, the probability of having a successful relationship are like one in a google, hahahahahahaha.

I am probably making what Dr. David Burns calls a “cognitive distortion” there, which is leading to that overly pessimistic conclusion, hahaha.

Well you try to have a good day, and always feel free to talk more about sex, or especially Intimate Relationships, which is one of my favorite topics, haha.

….
“Hahaha” is really just me laughing at my own stupid “jokes”, which I often do multiple times in a post, and more or less indicating a light and relaxed tone. I suppose it is my own alternative to “LOL”, which is technically meaningless conversational filler! But basically it is my attempt to keep a sense of humor about things, even things that might not seem humorous. If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying…hahahaha. :smilingteeth: Certainly there is not much funny about people breaking each other’s hearts, people throwing other human beings away like garbage, people going through the mere motions of a relationship and going through a revolving door of “lovers”, etc. But I have found a sense of humor, or even just trying to have a sense of humor, to be helpful in getting through the daily struggles! But sometimes it’s a lot like “gallows humor”, or “whistling past the graveyard!”

I meant to point out that I too felt like a total outsider, until I eventually met some people who accepted me for who I was, and then I felt more “connected”, like less of an outsider. I was thankful for that, and it taught me that no matter how much of a “weirdo” I thought I was, I still did desire companionship with people, and was even able to succeed at it to an extent. And just to clarify, these friendships were not what I’d consider “casual”, rather I meant the word “casual” to apply to the short-term “relationships” I had with women at that time. And I indeed wanted those relationships to be more than short-term or casual, but unfortunately, the women did not feel the same way.

I used to be a much clearer and better writer, I swear!

Anyway, I’m kind of in another misanthropic outsider loner phase right now, where I don’t really feel close to anyone. I have drifted away from those old friends, largely due to time and distance, but there are no hard feelings thankfully.

I think even the “weirder” of us are capable of deep and meaningful relationships, but it can be very difficult to find the right people to do that with! Or sometimes we put up a “wall” which can be difficult to take down. I definitely have a wall up right now, and I honestly don’t feel like taking it down!

And then we get into the idea of “SHOULD” and we “should” do this and we “should” do that, the tyranny of “should” etc. Yeah, I “should” let down my wall, and I “should” make more of an effort to make new friends, or meet new women, but I don’t really want to!

For me, I see it as part of the grieving and recovery process from getting over this woman I used to know. She was the person I felt closest to, then I got pretty strong feelings for her, then that came to a catastrophic, horrendous end, and it’s taken almost a year to even begin to move past it, and her being gone has left a huge void in my life, and I still can’t envision another person filling that void. So I guess I am trying to fill that void myself.

It’s also well worth noting that it’s possible to have very close male/male friendships. There have been times in my life where there was a mutual “mancrush” and I got along with male friends in such an unabashed way that it might make some men uncomfortable. In other words, it’s possible to find a sense of intimacy, connection, and closeness with other men, in the context of a close, albeit completely platonic, friendship. In this way, it’s somewhat possible to “substitute” for the intimacy that you / I / we all are seeking with a woman in a romantic relationship.

Needless to say, these type of male friends are not easy to come by either!

I’m rambling again, hahahaha. Take care and try to laugh about the un-laugh-at-able!

END POSTS

well this is fookin CHEAP and WEAK and LAME, RECYCLING posts like this, hehehehe. well the posts i make there are pretty relevant to this blog, of course i would be banned there for saying most of the other stuff i say here.

but yeah the 21 year old sperg virgin did a thread called “sexual expectations” and I just had to take that b8 hahahaha. I totally sympathize / empathize with these lonely sperg virgins. but they are young and so it causes them more distress. i have learned to live with it and laugh about it bitterly hahahah. these kids have no sense of humor about it.

its just funny and not funny how women don’t treat secs as seriously as i do. YOURE THE ONES WHO CAN GET PREGNANT, YA STUPID B!TCH!!!!! YOU SHOULD CARE MORE! YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY!!!!!! NOT ME!!! I CAN JUST KNOCK YOU UP AND ABANDON YOU!!!

so yeah it DOES make me mad to see women just GIVING it away. they obviously need strong fathers to TEACH them correctly and PROTECT them and to make sure they get married YOUNG to a GOOD man!

instead they have single mothers who are themselves coch carousel riding sluts! with tramp stamps! hahahaha.

WOULDNT YOU RATHER NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO GET AN ABORTION? ABORTIONS AREN’T FUN!!!!!!

GETTING PREGGERS ISNT FUN!!!!!!!

I have to MANSPLAIN this to WOMEN!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

WOMEN DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO GET PREGNANT!!! THEY WORRY ABOUT IT LESS THAN MEN!!!!!!!! WHAT IDIOTS!!!!!! I HAVE SUCH CONTEMPT AND DISGUST FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehehe like i said, just going through a phase. I have a lot of woman-contempt due to the ridiculous situation I’m in. i mean COME ON. you can do A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT, WOMAN.

SHIT, BITCH.

I wish I could just be OVER her, so I could be interested in OTHER women already. because OTHER women are gonna be BETTER to me. NICER. more MATURE. better COMMUNICATORS. not so DISAPPOINTING.

I will go on the internet and HELP OTHER PEOPLE stay out of or fix shitty situations like the one YOU put me through and made me a helpless victim to. hahahaahaha.

Maybe thats the point of this pain. It might not have been a very valuable, useful, meaningful lesson for me, however i damn sure wont make the same mistake again, AND I can help other men. So maybe that does make it worth it. Or at least, more worth it than I thought it was! I still wanna sm0ke tons of w33d tho hahaha.

8 interviews, 180 applied jobs, 1 offer hahahaha for call center. 8/180 = 4.4% hehehehe.  that seems pretty good atually. apply for 100 jobs, get 4 interviews.

was watching a natgeo thing about this j00ish dr shulgin who was into researching psychedelics and their use in therapy. he thought ecstasy / mdma was the greatest thing since sliced bread and allowed you to luv your self rather than hate your self hahaha. I thought well that sounds nice, maybe I should try ecstasy, never did. in fact it might be hard to get pure mdma nowadays, the big thing nowadays is “molly” which you never know what you’re getting there.

plus I heard ecstasy makes you very despaired afterwards, a horrible crash, and also puts a permanent hole in your brain every time you do it.

well, i would do only a small dose hehehe. i am all about Experimenting with Psychedelics to try to help with Despair.

Also I think if you get stuck with some mediocre boring ugly broad, you can take ecstasy together and that might make you feel more grateful for her hahaha.  improve your shitty rel. where you are stuck with a hambeast and can’t stop thinking about the gurl you were in luv with who rejected you 5 years ago. why cant you luv this hambeast like THAT.

mckesson regularly has entry level full time jobs which I apply for regularly and get rejection letters regularly. it would be NICE to get an interview just once from these people. getting a Data Entry Clerk job with High School Level Education is like getting into HARVARD hahahaha.

maybe I should stop putting that I am a WHITE MALE hahaha. and tecnically I DO have a disability, I have Crippling Depression that makes it virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to WORK like an average employed person hahaha.

well, disabilities might be bad. but being a nonwhite female is definitely very very GOOD haha.

Getting a job at mckesson is harder than getting secs from a woman! and women are huge sluts who give it up real easy! but not when youre a neet loser hahaha.

HEY, i was kinda a huge loser when I first met her, and I was an underachieving, angry, bitter, underconfident nearly-neet loser when we BECAME FRIENDS!!!! and she didnt seem to care. she only CARED when I started LIKING her.

yeah I GET it, being liked by someone is awkward and frustrating and you wish it would just all go away. I GET it. (I hate when people say I GET it, I GET that bla bla bla bla. Just say “I UNDERSTAND” like people used to say.)

sheeeeeeeeit.

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

ehehehehehehe.

well, almost 10 applications today, so that’s good. i did 10 job related THINGS today, like update profile on this staffing agency site. funny how they stopped calling me after i turned down the one call center job. so you can still use me to get your commission! just place me in a non call center job and i will be A Placement who gets you PAID! Dumb Bastards.

stupid bitch hehehe. cant even talk to me yet she sure talks to other guys and gets FOOKED by them, doesnt even CARE that she can get preggers. so what if she does, she can just murder her baby. no big deal. sex is no big deal and its ok to do it with sdtrangers.

partially i am just JEALOUS of people who ENJOY sexs and dont get so NERVOUS about it.

well i get fookin NERVOUS about it ok?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? and the only way I am NOT gonna be nervous about it, is to have a ton of secs I guess. on a regular basis. that is the main way to do it i guess.  and also have lots of valium on hand if i ever get a chance to have secs with some dirty wh0re haha.

if youre not nervous about secs, youre a fooking slutty whore, bitch. hahahaha.

thing is, she was WAY less slutty than average. I am just saying these horrible things about her because I am FURIOUS at her. and theres nothing I can do about it. but keep applying for jobs, going on interviews. so 4% of applications result in an interview. if 4% of interviews result in an offer, then thats like 16/ 10000 chances….. ok gotta apply for 625 jobs to get a job. at like 180 so far. ALMOST THERE!

you SHOULD be nervous about secs with some strange man you just met, ya dumb crazy whore!

sex is an inherently intimate act! you SHOULD be nervous about it period! unless you’ve know the person for years and had secs with them many times. and the first time you have secs with them, you SHOULD be VERY nervous. and that should only be at LEAST 6 months after you’ve first met them.

THAT’S THE RULE.

got some over the head headphones to replace finished earbuds. of course they are cheap headphones as well. Well if I can get 3 to 6 months out of them I will be sorta happy. stupid chinese crap.

well i learned from the Mutual Friend that That Woman has found a new job after only being laid off no more than 1 or 2 months. sounds like in a tech support call center, hahaha. I hope it is on PHONES and not some supervisor bullshit. I hope she has to take so many calls she fooking goes crazy and QUITS. I HATE her being more successful than me. She is stupid white trash and doesnt deserve to be more successful than me. go fook some more ingras and let them pay for your bullshit, bitch.

i mean EVERY woman whos ever rejected me has become more successful than me, and I dont care about that any more. well, im sure i did at the time.

fook it. i just hate all women. i will continue to be in a woman hating phase for AT LEAST 3 more months. probably more like 6!!!!!!!! i just hate women all right! leave me alone! i hate them because they are pieces of shit that break your heart and dont care! they dont give a shit about human life! they throw people away like garbage, they play around with life creation like its nothing, they kill their children like theyre garbage, they do terrible things without remorse, they are sociopaths with no heart or conscience, THATS why i hate women! I have VERY GOOD reasons! or at least very good reasons to hate HER! unfort I just dont want any other women. the only woman i WANT, I also HATE. never a good situation. I just wanna smoke a pound of w33d.

its like she’s BEATING me at life in every way. can do a job that i can’t handle. she can handle life and doesnt fall apart. and she doesnt need a loser like me bringing her down. thats why she Cut Me Loose. I was just Dead Weight on her life.

yeah well even when youre throwing away dead weight you should still do it nicely.

plus it sucks BEING that dead weight and KNOWING it.

took a .7 dose of nyquil, sheeeeit. gotta respond to this mutual friend and I dont want to say TOO MUCH about that woman….but i AM butthurt! i feel i will NEVER get over her and I HAVE to get over her in order to ever be with someone else! And I DO want to have a Wife one day, a Special Woman! and since it CANT be her, it HAS to be someone else! And Im just not ready for that! I just want to work like an adult and smoke weed for a year until she is such old memories I never think about her and dont really want her!

got some protein bars from the store. i originally wanted to get some Protein Powder but it was 20 bucks for a big container. I might have gone with a 10 dollar smaller container. come on. so i went with buying 2 small protein bars. with 20 g of protein each.

 

STUFF FROM MARCH 2015

[WARNING OCT 22 2016:

well, more of a clarification hahaha.

  1. i never got this angry again. i was FURIOUS and saying horrible things and wishing horrible things on That Woman, but I wasnt being really serious, i was just really angry at the shitty situation. so dont take those seriously at all. also, when shit hit the fan a few months after this, i was never that angry even at that time. well, maybe at MYSELF for being such a shameful pathetic coward.  was never this angry at HER again. just sad and devastated and disappointed.
  2. just continues to point out the obvious lesson: i should have just communicated with her then. like ME writing her an email THEN, in march/feb 2015. another alternative would be Just Let It Go, because she was obviously not wanting to hang out with me. keep in mind this wasnt some Rando, I already knew her for 2+ years BEFORE all this, where we had a History of hanging out.
  3. interesting that i was still Handling and Surviving my job tho! I was also using a fair amount of MJ. kinda envious of that. wouldnt mind some of that right now.
  4.  i really didnt hate her as much as it sounds like in this stuff. never forget this does not reflect my state now, but as of march 2015, when things were a lot different hhehehehe.  as of oct 2016 I am pretty much Over It, but still a little butthurt. not really angry or negative at her. i mean i would still Take Her Back hahahahahaha. but i am just trying to live muh life without her. I lost an important person and it takes a VERY long time to FULLY get over.

]

apri 19

found some good txt files I wrote when things were going bad with the woman in march, april, may, maybe even feb 2015. that I didnt want to post here. well I think I can finally post them here. oh goody. like there was one i wrote on the very day she Snapped at me saying Please Leave hahahaha.

they were on my hard drive but not sure i copied them all to my google drive. copied them all to google drive. so look in the personal writing folder / april may june 2015 / folder which have been using ever sincee hahahaha.

hmm the LORD is smiling upon me and I am THANKFUL, I officially make a big deal out of praising the LORD in public, and then cursing him in private, hahaha. no not really. but now have an “interview” with staffing agency on thursday. spoke to the recruiter as soon as I got out of bed and did ok considering hahahahaha. with the phone bullshitting. She sounded not as smart as me, and she is a Personnel Manager and prob makes way more than 15 DAH!

so do that in 2 days. today take the post office test, that should be “fun.” today or tomorrow maybe go to local thrift store and look for suit coats. something blue I think.

well i guess its good to be making baby steps of progress here.

ok i am gonna recycle that old stuff. copy and paste. might lead to a few super long posts hahaha.

MARCH 2015 notepad . txt

end of feb first part of march 2015 coming through::::: start::::: [yuge copy paste with some deletions] ::::::::

boo ya ka sha. officially boycotting wordpress, not that this is much better.
feb 28 2015, sat, 702pm. leave for partay at 8. that should be fun but i just enjoyed the last relaxer so that is getting the nerves up a bit but . ok uploading. should put on new pair of socks. fam coming home possibly tomrw.
ok gotta chill out fast. now nervous about everything haha. and now the down arrow on kyboard is failing. just listening to some hlidskjalf really quietly hahaha. guitar is broken and needs to be thrown away. damn. nervous about buying beer even though i have no plans to drink it!!

[was going to small fun chill party hosted by my male work friend who was/is a real good guy, I truly liked him hahaha. I always tried to get That Woman to go with me, but she never accepted. Later I worried that she would blow me off only to show up there on her own accord, or to go with this other guy from work who I was jealous of, and I was worried that would be understandably humiliating to me: invite her, she rejects me, I go, and then she goes there with another guy. this never happened hahahaha. I really dont think she ever hung out with that guy much. good hahaha. ]
and then it mysteriously starts playing filosofem, during The Song, so i back it up to a good point. after the screechy guitar part ends, and dem 3 notes which repeat forever. oh yeah.

so i figured, take a valium pretty soon and see if that helps. or maybe right after i buy the beer. pretty nervous about that too!!!
not gonna bring a relaxer, but i dont think im responsible for needing to do that anyway!

[I of course do not drink but I brought them some alcohol to share with the drinking guests.]

day after. sunday. march 1. 2015. 118pm. neckbearding. got home at like 320 am last night from “party”, turned out pretty well, was even 1 cute gurl there (but i think she was Dating one of the guys there.) turned out well. actually very well. i got socialize with some people from muh job. i brought them some beer for community use. so it was very nice and would like to do it again and i was happy to be invited. everyone was active and playing games and people were still going strong at 230 am when the first person left, and i left with them, because i was f00king TIRED and EXHAUSTED and couldn’t believe nobody left earlier. but I snuck out somewhat awkwardly, but i needed to. came home, did small relaxer, and went right to bed.

would have been nice to go with female friend, but it was jsut fine wihtout her. plus i am OBSESSED with her in an unhealthy way, always thinking about her. not good. also she has become a Net Loss on my life, adding more Negative rather than Positive. So I should “let her go” hahahahahahhaha. deleted phone number from phone. maybe i should block her on facebook.

well i learned that blocking would unfriend, which would make me look butthurt. so i just turned off chat and Unfollowed her.

[ok this is exactly the type of Valuable INformation I am hoping to highlight by posting these hahaha. to show i was thinking SOME reasonable thoughts about the Rel.]

maybe i will do SOME cleaning, for like 30 minutes, then one last relaxer, then finish ….
back at 4 pm. was somewhat productive. had the last relaxer, then laboriously cleaned the floors, countertops.
now want to do a little neckbearding, will do more tidying up later
ok
kinda did that. took the final final relaxer.  then go right to bed, big day tomorrow!
and great news the poker is back with the new site.
enjoying super refreshing sidral mundet apple soda.
march 3 2015, tues nite, 721 pm,
female friend is being godawful. i am ready to just let her go. cut her loose. dead weight. is adding no value. has sucked more value than added value, total. a net loss. [yuppppppppppppppppppppp]
later, 1228 am, dark, ok turned on light.
RUNDGANG IS SONG OF MONTH FEB / MARCH 2015!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then that can go on yer mix tape of the year.

[from burzum filosofem. yeah its great stuff. classic album.]

[everything in square brackets is current commentary from april 2016. there is also some stuff from these I am redacting haha.]
have said wrote thought and said everything there is to be said about ff, no point in even talking about her here!!!!!!!!!!! have heard it ALL before. right now i am backing off of her 90000000 miles. trying to at least, doing ok the past couple days but sent her 1 stupid text yesterday, of course she did not respond, so now i am backing way off.
march 4 day off, AND tomorrow off as well. i took some “mental health” days because every day of my job is liek war, draining and stressful all day, and you’d rather lose the money than go into work becuase its so HARD and rough!

did game and relaxer yesterday. had a bad cough and took some dayquil to go to sleep. hope i do not have bronchitis some smoking too many relaxers.
going to the bathroom like aboss. i think i may try to do a relaxer tonight, and then “go for a powerwalk” and try to find a place in the nearby park to enjoy it. stands to reason. i have a couple ideas.
wow slowest computer ever. flash crashing constatntly.just trying to lisdten to music on youtube and play settlers and hehehe. it is too much for the 2 gb of ram to handle i think. [at this time I took the plunge and bought the new laptop I am using 1 year later hahahaha now.]
2 days off wow. the job is so draining all you want to do when getting home, if you can survive, is smoke w33d and sleep and do cuddlebangs with young qt, and getting a young qt is the hardest thing in the world, harder than getting w33d and even harder than surviing the stressful day!!!!
and ff is a dirty n199er loving whore who can f0ck off and die, she is dead to me. lol. [I was not censoring these, haha] but no i will not text her today and not text her tomorrow. by the time i see her on friday which i may not, she will be begging to jump on muh d. if i don’t see her on friday, then i will continue to stay 900000000 miles away from her until monday, when she will want even more toi jump on my d.
i dopnt care, that c00nt is a whore who deserves to be r4ped to d34th like a bitch in india, hahaha. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]
no i will not do the r4ping because i am not a violent person, violence is wrong.
well she certainly deserves to be rejected, cheated on, pumped and dumped, for the rest of her pathetic white trash life. we can save degenerate whites, but when a bitch is a n1993r f00king race traitor, that’s the point they become a lost cause. turn your back and let them drown.
heh. there are obviously much better women out there and i should try to court THEM.
i am just in a huge creepy woman hating phase right now because i am am real mad at her. would like for the anger and creepiness to decrease.
yeah i will go to the park and try to enjoy a relaxer. it is covered in 3 feet of snow and pretty sure i do not have winter boots.
so ff facebook chatted with me which she NEVER does and said she had been very sick since friday and thats why she disappeared. well even if she was taking bl4ck c0ck, it was nice that she lied to save my feelings hahahaha.
so i felt better about her than i have in days so thats good. still not good chances, but i dont like being so ANGRY at her.

[she usually had Credible excuses always like she was SICK or she was with FAMILY. she seemed to show some remorse or sympathy here, and i was always willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.]
soon will go to park to check it out. want it to be like sunset or something. and stuff.
yeahyeah have not had two back to back days off in two months. totes getting burnt out on job and i just want two days off. i can listen to msuic, i can sleep in, i can go down to the park in 10 minutes and try to do the relaxer. that should be interesting. i am thinking to essentially get inside a pine tree surrounded by snow and that will be like a little fort, with privacy.
well did that and it wasnt nearly as fun as i hoped. oh well. it is better now. but at the time it sucked, and i wouldnt want to do it again. well maybe if it was darker. and found a better tree.
problems were, if sometone wanted to see me, they could see a person standing trying to hide by a pine tree and smoking something, possibly crystal meth hahahaha. plus it was extremely loud trudging thru the snow to get there. plus it was windy and freezinf. plus i think it burned faster and i certainly did not enjoy it as much!!!

[its not worth it to take “relaxers” ie DEGENERATE MJ in public parks, too much nervous]

normalfag average successfuls, who can hold down a job, be middle working class, live in their own house, be married and have a family, and are not driven to madness or self destruction by their jobs or their crazy minds or their own laziness.
anyway. i am a lot chiller when things are going ok with ff. and i went from being super mad and wanting her to die, to being happy and in luv with her again, jsut because she messaged me and said she had been sick and showed me the teensiest bit of friendliness. [very back and forth from anger and hate, back to luv. I havent really felt that intense anger towards her since it ended, strangely enough. just mainly sad and disappointed.]
too bipolar and codependent or just dependent on her, eh? yes indeed. , so better that she disappears entirely right, because i could never have a healthy “rel” with her. and now that i like her and don’t hate her, like i did yesterday, i spent a little time looking at pictures of her. GREAT. and thinking of cuddlign and making out and licking sweaty butt juice out of her 4ss crack. [DEGEN WARNING, but you want to do really gross stuff with the one u luv haha.]
GREAT.
ok gotta go to store. get gas. milk. really got to get oil change. this is the stuff of life i have never been too good at.
yeah buddy. march 6, friday, survived day at work, every day is a miracle, one day i am just gonna snap and get fired hahahahahaha oh losing your livelihood is nothing to take seriously!!!!!

but you get quite the education. they don’t train us, because they can get away without training us. because really, we do not have the power to screw things up too bad, and cost the company too much money, and lives are never at stake. well, i guess you COULD delete a bunch of client data and cost the company thousands of dollars that way before they found you and fired you.
so they can get away with putting us in truly ridiuclous situations
welp it kinda sucks that i have w33d but not real way to enjoy it,

but it is awesome that i survived the day and get to go to sleep. maybe i will try some nyquil. actually thats a great idea.
really they just need to tell us what to say. TELL US WHAT TO SAY. I guess that is our job, to figure out what to say. a big part of our job is delivering bad news about stuff that cannot be done; or to explain WHY something can’t be done or why something happened; and that information is never available. . stupid negroes. they can suck my dick.
as someone who doesnt like to lie, it is uncomfortable for me to twist the truth. but since its not a FULL lie, and it’s actually easier than telling the truth here, because then you sound like an IDIOT who doesn’t know what you’re doing, so in that sense it makes sense to lie, like bullshitting. its bullshitting is all it is, really.
like they tell you no eta, and you tell them, TENTATIVE eta of 2 weeks, but that is not firm, yeah i’m sorry, yes i will throw my superiors under the bus, if i ran this company, i would hold them accountable, yes if this style of management keeps up, this company will not be around in 5 years, etc. we at the bottom work the hardest and get no help, etc. tell people to talk to their managers and their managers are either never fooking there, or don’t know what theuy’re doing, or they ARE they manager calling you because they don’t know what theyre doing.

ff is very disappoint. i am in lusting love with her but she feels nothing for me.we are basically at the “please respond” super omega phase, so….. that sucks. just gonna listen to judas priest and neckbeard all day, maybe concoct a plan to enjoy a relaxer later. can either go to the park 4 miles away OR go to the park near house. but find a diff place there.

angry at female friend for never wanting to respond to me, never wanting to hang out with me; angry at self for being so hung up on her, and for only giving effort with her alone and not other people, not just women, but trying to hang out with male friends too!!!!!

if you ever feel the need to write “PLEASE RESPOND” to a grill, it’s gone too far. stop right there and back the fook off, 9000000 miles. she obviously doesn’t want to respond to you and isn’t WORTH your energy.
heh. this is after i was back in luv with female fren a few days ago. it is SO back and forth, up and down, one extreme to the other, bipolar. [wow. funny that 3 months AFTER this I would be BEGGING “please respond” like never before! you see how I should have BLURTED IT OUT in MARCH at the latest! I was clearly going crazy then!!!!]

sunday march 8 1037 am, just “sprang fwd” to dyalight savings time and LOST a precious hour of SLEEP!!!!!!!! so i am butthurt about that.

then i came home and neckbearded till about 9 pm then went to bed and slept.
texted ff once and she did not respond. same as yesterday. come on. well i will know better, i will not text her today!!!! unbeleiveable. the gall of this b1tch hehehehe. well it doesn’t bode well for me to be so attached to her, when she could care less about me!!!!!
welp gotta go to church now. well i will just skip out of course!!!!
ok leave in like 40 mintues. no shower. smell horrible. look like a slob.
but yeah it sucks being bipolar about her, and utterly un movable about everything else. priorities are way out of whack. they kinda have been for most of my life. i was never really worried about career as much as i was worried about women. how stupid is that?
ok leave in 17 minutes.
well as long as i can get thru each day of work. which i kind of can, with my new flashcards system, and my leanring to BS better, and my cutting corners. all good skills and habits to learn hahaha.

i mean those things ARE good if it helps the company, makes more money, etc. but it is hard to say for our dept. lot of gray area, which means we are very expendable. like, how much money is the company really going to lose if they have a big technical problem? and how much money does our department want to spend to solve it, or can they just lay people off and say it’s not worth it to spend the money to fix it? important business questions.

but i am glad my female friend got rejected for the job she interviewed for. hahaha. welcome to my world baby. no escape. get used to being rejected. its a fact of life. life goes on. pretty young women dont get rejected enough.

but yeah i wish this b1tch would respond to me. or at least that i were more popular with more b1tches, so it wouldn’t MATTER if one measly b1tch did not respond to me, id have 5 more responding to me. damn. b1tches and wh0res.
540 pm well i sent her a text which is just a 🙂 and that is all. no supplicating for forgiveness, ok actually this is a facebook message not a text. no begging, just a simple 🙂 which is still pretty beta.
i might try a relaxer

well, my company doesn’t train people, in my job, so that means they tacitly approve of me BS’ing to the callers. meaning i have the freedom to tell them what i want. but i should still have some stock bs answers ready, because the company won’t give you those.

when in doubt, say that the process is known to fail 1% of the time. this is one of those times. fortunately it’s easy to fix and should not happen again. if it does, that means something else is wrong, call us back please.
this is kinda like medicine, but also kinda not, because it’s very difficult to determine the cause of anything.
say yeah its unfortunate we can’t determine the cause of these. computers are actually a million times more unpredictable than a human body. we just have to be grateful to alleviate the symptoms. these computers do not have a useful life of more than three years anyway.

if you think i am pessimistic you should talk to your managers manager because that is your best chance to have a talk with a real decision maker.

Anonymous 03/08/15(Sun)20:09:09 No.16935165▶
>>16934781
The robot who is on the verge of normalcy faces a great dilemma: does he wait for who knows how long to find a girl that meets his standards, ridiculous or not, or does he settle for a girl he will inevitably be disgusted by to remove his loneliness for a while?

sdsds

march 10
they dont train us, because time and experience has proven, they don’t NEED to train us, it doesn’t add enough value to train us, in fact, they LOSE money by training us. because they just need a warm body who can not get emotional, and write down facts without emotion, and then if it gets escalated, the people who might understand a little better can use those facts to piece together the puzzle. and this is more efficient than training us. or else they would train us, if that were more efficient.

i could go up to a manager and be like why don’t you train us? hahahahahaha.
because it really doesn’t matter.

march 11
i just bought a new computer for 443 dollars. damn. it has double the ram so i hoping its twice as fast. i prob should have sprang for even more ram but i am just so sick of this computers slowness. i can’t even run tabs and sheet.
probably won’t be super fast.
anyway i kind of need this sort of big 444 dollar purchase to be an impulse toherwise i won’t do it.
ok mfer lets do it.
well i did that and its done. definite pros and cons, risks and such, not proud, et

Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her …
▶ 4:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHFevKZn0lA
Nov 2, 2010 – Uploaded by Dani Carpi
Barfly – Opening scene (Booker T. & The MG’s – Hip Hug-Her) …Am I the only one in the world that thought this great songsounded a bit like …

[it is a great song but not sure which song i thought it was supposed to sound like!!!!! perhaps “the changeling”, the opening song on the doors great final album “la woman.”]

oh yeah just moved this stuff onto notepade.
notepad is 90000000 times faster.
saving the txt file on google drive.

i just prefer this kind of writing program atm.

notepad is hardest core and best writing program.
yes this is much better than docs.

keep checking fb like a beta because i sent ff a fb msg early in the day. the first one was a long “fun” one abotu music; then i though oh no that’s creepy, so i sent her a short one at the end of the day, very short, testing to see if she would chat then. not surprisingly she did not. [trying to do small talk about common interest of music, prob to show her I am still that same kewl guy she became friends with]

gotta go to bed soon. hope that new computer is faster because if not i am screwed.
march 12 2015

[the new computer is faster and it has provided me great value for 13 months so far. I enjoy it. no regertz]

////////END  COPYPASTE

Yeah I found some more so get used to this shit hahahaha. ok paste one more in this post.

uhhh took my post office test 473 and got 86.9 on it. i guess 70 is the minimum and 100 is the max? I did Well except for the final part, which involves memorizing addresses, and my MEMORY is HORRIBLE from all the ABUSE I did to my brain from ages 16-26 hahahaha. more like wawawawawawawa. it is not funny, hahaha. wawawawa.

GO::::::

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march 2015 txt:::: [current comments in [] ]

mar 17 2015
had big screw up w ff today when i went to talk to her and i was getting creepy again which is never good, i honestly could be overestimateing that tho, very hard to tell who was the bad guy there. i like to think it was her! she said please just leave and i left. but i was just shocked more than anything. was having a not horrible day, but she wasnt making it any better!!! i had good talks with 2 people, investigated some good issues, still gotta get quicker wiht the escalations so i try to do everything first then write shortest book possible, crammed with all info. noice got a noice new mouse installed, it looks noice. i am thinking of the jason sudeikis char on cleveland show, hilarious. one of the new comedians thats actually any good.

dont like gdocs. prefer notepad but i dont wanna sync it w google drive download, trying to avoid that one as much as possible. leaves all sorts of files under users.

fook it , starting a notepad, see that.

ok here we go.

playing some cards, swc is back! love it.

now just gotta rememebr to save this dam txt file!

oooh

cleveland saying donna she is a shamefully obese widow, in reference to kendra. this show is so underrated. i should buy a dvd haha.

but it sucks about ff. i really wanted to avoid looking like the bad guy. i want her to text me and say im sorry for once hahaha. but she prob wont. 90 10.
and so when i see her again on thursday i got to stay away from her like THE PLAGUE. no nothing. total 100% avoidance. maybe one stupid smiley face at the end of the day at very most.

so yeah it never feels good to have a major screwup like that! but i did ok with my new priority programname tech. and then to finish the day with ok behaviour towards her, to have it all build up from like 530 to 6 pm, is riduclous! and diappoiting of course.

hard to say how many people noticed, i hoped not a lot.

[ I was surviving decently well with My Calls it looks like. I was doing well and fairly confident all day, having a good day, UNTIL I went to talk to her at the end of the day, and she was very bitchy and I went completely crashing down I guess. I dunno I just wanted to chit chat with her before leaving. seeing her was the highlight of my day. and seeing me was something she dreaded and could do without. she never came to visit me, I always came to visit HER, and then I stopped doing that because thats what she wanted hahahaha.]

hmm i guess i was in the wrong because i was distracting her from her work, and i would not like to be distracted during my work. it is just physically impossible. so maybe she was not lying when she said she wasnt mad at me.

even hard to say how mad she actually is cuz i neveer get much info out of her. things are pretty bad.

[yes. should have blurted it out.]

and i cannot be the bad guy. that is the most important thing.

well, not really, but it is very important.

[it is! because I didnt want it to be ALL MY FAULT!!!!!]

or she could just not be mad and just brushing it off. in which case its probably better that she IS mad, because that means she cares, rather than runnig off sucking n199er c0ck. and partying with all the more alpha men at werk, getting spit roasted like a whore.

or even just making out with other guys. i get very jealous when i am not given a chance. yep i do sound like the bad guy eh.

but yeah it sucks, i wish she would just text me with SOMETHING and just let me know.

so yeah i hope she is lying and she is mad….i think? it is just as confusing as the confusing stuff we do all day. and i told her i hate being confused all day, in refernece to the job.

but i am actually performing better on the job than i am
performing with her. but still stressed out about both.

bottom line, situation there JUST SUCKS. it JUST SUCKS altogether. heh. i am mad at HER.

but i still like her too, so i cant be TOO mad. but i shouldn’t like her so much cuz its stupid, and she doesn’t like me back, and she makes me fairly mad. stressed and confused nad anxious.

so yeah obviously i should avoid her like the plague on thursday. well that takes care of that eh.

[i didnt want to avoid her though. I was struggling to Rein it in and Dial It Back, but I still wanted Closure and Communication. I couldn’t avoid it until it went away. It wasnt gonna go away for me. I should blurted it out and wrote her an email right then. in march. not july. coulda saved four months hahaha. that is thousands of dollars.]

yeah its terrible that i CARE so much and worry so much and she doesn’t give a damn at all, AND on top of that, she won’t give me dat ass that she gives tons of other guys. of course im entitled to it, we actually KNOW each other!!!!

well like i said, i plan on dumping her completely if things are not looking good by the end of april. that is the absolutely laterst deadline, and them i am dumping her like the dead weight white trash whore dirty tramp she is.

[see I was getting pretty angry at her and how she was avoiding and ignoring me. shoulda said THIS ENDS NOW. WE NEED TO TALK NOW. also i didnt have any PROOF she was slutting it up with other guys, but I was jealous that she was friendlier to other guys than to me. plus disgusted by her past Mudsharking.]

and i can’t even inquire about the status right now, becuase that would be too invasive. but i would like such an update, was hoping she would send me an apology to be honest.

but yeah that came out of nowhere. she just spun around and faced me and told me to please leave. wow. i was so taken aback. i said ok and quickly left without argument, probably squeezing in a few sorrys as well.

i have been saying sorry way too much, esp when i don’t really feel that much at fault, if anything the blame is 55 45 ON HER!

maybe even 60 40 she’s the bad guy!

but even if im the good guy, i still dont get to be with her wahhhhhhhhhhh life of loneliness ftw. and the nice memories we did have, they really were good and it would be so sad to end this way. but i don’t want to be just friends with her any more and am willing to risk the whole thing for a chance. but to also not be the bad guy beyond that.

[well it actually ended in an even SADDER way….]

march 18
sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiittttt. stupid female friend, wish she never existed! judas priest is the only thing that can save me now. live vengeance 82 in memphis. make a cd of that.

welp that means i got to downlaod stupid programs to the comp.

it is also very resassuring to me that rob halford, a scrawny, weak-chinned, homosexual, bald, short, man can be such a huge masculine badass. if he can do it, so can ANYBODY. and to do it so convincingly and sincerely. no hint of compensating for anything.

and if women think you’re weird for loving a gay man, then they can go fook themselves, rob halford is way cooler than some bitch.

ok made that cd.
next plan is to take shower, make relaxer, go out and do that, go to store, get bananas, fish oil, maybe soda, maybe gas, peanuts, stuff.

f00king bitch, i am very mad at her!!!! at how she could just not care about me at all and totally leave me holding the bag. bagholder. leaving me in the LURCH and just j00ing me like a bitch.

i wish she would say sorry to ME rather than me apologizing to HEr 900000000 times a day because she thinks i’m weird.

i have always got rejected because i was too weird. bitches always think i’m too weird, then they don’t want to hang out with me, forget making out or physical or even emo action.

f00k bitches, all i need is gay rob halford and judas priest.

but yeah if shes gonna be a big whore giving that ass to everyone else, then YES i AM ENTITLED, bitch. give me a little bit too, if youre just a promiscuous whore!!!! [again no proof, just angry at her, and jealous]

also i afeel a bit sold out. not necessarily betrayed, but i just thought we were simply better friends than for her to totally dump me like that. because im not cool enough, or too weird, or too needy, or i want to talk to her too much, or whatever. wtf. [not necess betrayed! Even at my most angry I knew she wasnt betraying me. but she was leaving me high and dry.]

that feel when you have officially fallen in luv with a grill and she hasn’t explicitly rejected you YET, so you get false hope. and things are finally starting to get nice and tense, worrisome, stressful. you a re close to getting your official rejection. sweet.

but at least SOMETHING is happening.i was glad to push her to do something, buttttttt i dont want to look like the bad, creepy, weird guy, abusing this poor innocent wimmin.

and yet i still want to text her and talk to her and “figure this out!”
unebeliveable!!!!!

so i watch degen porno to get mind off her, and then imagine her doing that with all these other guys but never me!!!!! [yeah I should not have been watching degen porno, but then i was convinced it was a tool to help me get over her, and not think about HER. maybe it was, but I am glad I quit watching that stuff a few months after this.]

wow eveything ive type PROVES i am the bad guy! non bad guys dont think like this! and this is not the good kind of bad guy, but rather the creepy weird beta omega virgin who never pulls pussy!!!!!

march 18
gotta go to bed super soon, big day tomorrow. cannot contact ff at ALL ENTIRE DAY, still on fence abut the one smiley at very end of day, but that would prob be creepy, so, dont do it.

think of my reputation!!!!!!! on the job i mean!!! yikes i am aleady in too deep. or at least the semi normies on /adv would advise, but its a fun forum anyway.

well at least i have the time before she gets in. it is gonna be no easy three days though. dear god have mercy on us all.

msrch 21
playing cards, jpriest, skepticism ethere ep, did ok on cards, still 90 out of 100 bankroll though. great music, did relaxer in left side of park, ver tired now, 1227 am, just about to go to bed here. female fren is retarded and i wish we could just hang out. probabl shell hang out with me like end of april and then say oohhhh im so happy now and i found a new BOIFRAN too! hooray for me taking n199er c0x!

[no she DIDNT hang out with me end of april. but she did finally confess she had a family issue. so i felt guilty about pushing her. but I still think she could have taken 5 minutes and wrote me an email. communicated somehow.]

and then i will say see ya, have a shitty life, white trash, you deserve it.

march 22 sunday morning. 9 am. i seem to have been getting up early sunday morn. neckbeardih, judas priest TURBO, getting uh better call saul in, watching episode 2 now, taking a break now. will goto church at 12 but do relaxer BEFORE then sit in the back with the zipperheads.

now in bathroom doing decadence.

varg v has a great recent vidya to all the pvssy f4ggots whining about not be able to finda good women, all women are whores, mgtow, omega, virgins, etc, and his first video to deal directly with this topic.
FAINT HEARTS DO NOT WIN FAIR LADIES, is the norse proverb he repeats here. stop being a littl epvssy f4ggot bitch, and do something manly, brace, heroic, and the decent women will come to you. kind of like he did with his music and pro-white work. you have to be above average in some way. so he got himself a decent woman, and now has 4 or 5 kids with her. can’t blame him!

turbo jp.
sentenced love and death, particular dreamlands.
jp out in the cold, followed by dreamlands, in the march 2015 mix haha.

march 25
wed day off, being semi productive, listening to jp sentinel, dotf.
about to go to store and do a relaxer on the way. [DEGEN!!!!!]

just waiting 12 minutes for washing machine to stop. then i will go.

ff [female friend] is still being a n1993r loving cvnt. really bad. i deserve better. well i once deserved better. but this is about as good as i deserve now…..and i still can’t pull it!

[I didnt and I do not and I will not even like MUDSHARKING. it is DISGUSTING. and DISGUSTING that the luv of my life would ever do something like that. NOT EVEN ONCE.]

she is nicer when i ignore her, so i will try to ignore her. job is really bad and i would love her moral support, but she is utterly refusing to give it, the ice cold bitch. plus she finds the job bearable because HER job is TEN times easier. and she thinks its MY problem that i am always stressing out. well bitch, my job is TEN times harder than yours, thats why i’m stressing out. easy for YOU to “go with the flow” dummy. i don’t have that luxury. check your privilege. i jokingly told her to check her livechat privilege but she blew it off, she will never admit her job is easier than mine.

[i was bitter because I believed doing livechats was easier than doing phones. when really i prob would have been miserable on livechats too. I was just butthurt because she was much better at Not Letting The Job Bother Her than I was.]

so i have been joining this other clique and feeling good to be appreciated. then yesterday i went around walking for an hour helping people more than i have done in recent memory. of course ff did not see it. i was hoping she would so i could blatantly walk by her and NOT help her, because she never needs help, shes so smart.

[i was on a personal mission to stay after my shift for an hour, and walk around, and help newer people who clearly needed help, but the department had gotten rid of physical people walking around giving help, cut costs. I thought that was horrible. So I stayed after work and did this unpaid. I wanted to also show HER how much SMARTER I was than her, and I was chomping at the bit for her to ask me for help. but she never did. well I was SMART, look at all the OTHER people who love me and think I’m smart.]

i even talked to the pretty girl i want to wife up, but she was a little bitchy too. i guess all women are bitches hahaha. or i bring out the bitchiness in women. still she is a higher quality woman than ff, and i think she has drawn male attention away from ff, which is good.

[there was a new gurl who was like a younger, prettier version of that woman. and indeed guys would probably white knight for her before they would white knight for That Woman.]

shes probably a huge bitch due to all the male attention she gets because she is so pretty.

well thank GOD for muh chat room [social/casual/friendly work chat room, not official level 2 chat room] and the friendly people there who give ME moral support. that has def made a positive impact.

also, my flashcards.
also, my walking around on the call floor is good for me becuase it helps ME learn so i am more confident later.

[this is very true. i wasnt doing this for the sole purpose of bragging to her. I really DID want to help the new people. I really DID have a vendetta against the company having bad training and eliminating physical support walkers. as opposed to getting ALL your level 2 advice from a gayass Chat Room. it REALLY helps to have a real person who can look at your screen and talk to you right there.]

it is a lot easier to LEARN and THINK when you don’t have the PRESSURE of a caller holding, making you NERVOUS. damn son.

heh march 25 finished doing my income taxes, getting 1700 dollars back from uncle sam, 160 dollars from muh state. not bad eh?

march 28 2015

PANTERA LIVE 1988. this and defenders era live priest.
march 29 810 am
got out of bed early, went to bed at 930 pm, was violently tired and couldn’t force myself to watch tv or neckbeard.
then got a solid 9 or 10 hours or sleep, def need more!

i did a small relazer yesterday where i used my cigaret machine to inject the mixture into a regular cigaret tube. then i tried punching holes in the filter and pulling out some of the filter. because i don’t want any precious relaxation getting filtered out! but i wanted it to look like a normal cigarete rather than a realy suspicious conical relaxer, so that really does bring down the anxiety level there. but the thing is done faster and i worry that some of it might be wasted.

oh well, it was pretty good and i think with the right tools i could remove the filter better. like a pin or paper clip or exacto knoife.

[you can just squeeze the filter out, throw away half, then stuff the other half back in there. OR use a little rolled up piece of flashcard and no cotton filter.]

pantera should NOT have abandoned their power metal days so abruptly. phil had a great halfordesque voice that he threw away too quickly. cowboys was fine, no problem there, but then the big tuff guy switcheroo after that was too much. and no reason to stop playing the power metal songs live. power metal is an awesome album and them turning their back on it is a little weak. when phil was 20 years old he could hit all those same notes live. see live 1988 and 1989 recordings. him and dime were not falling down sloppy drunk like degen199ers. [great word coinage hahaha. and yeah all this music talk is correct.]

and the cfh is filled with halford highs in every song, i wish he didn’t stop that so soon. i used to think the highs were corny but now i fully appreciate them, and i appreciate where they came from: halford.

best thing to do with ff [female friend] is: NOT text or message her today. i turned off fb chat. leave it off. i should have never friended her. i might just leave fb for a month and then have her unfriended when i come back. [wrong: best thing to do would say THIS ENDS NOW, WE NEED TO TALK. BLURT IT OUT. it was SIX MONTHS already. I was playing according to her rules. I could have been ASSERTIVE and said NO I will not let you continue to walk all over me like this. you are crossing my boundaries. tradeucing them hahahaha.]

uhhhh.

sunday still. 12 54 pm. listening to priest…live! opens with out in the cold.

poker site down again haha. trying not to text ff today. would be great to accomplish that goal.plus its obviously the smarter thing to do. [nope see above]

march 31
well today action is happening and i am awaiting the big official LJBF/dumping email in the next 12 hours, at 1148 pm i thought it might be here, but NO. well i checked at least. we had a good work chat  where she was starting to respond positively but her redneck language prevented her from communicating the full ideas, but it seemed to suggest an email forthcoming. rut ro reorge.

[I think I was under the impression that she would send me an email. I think during our “good work chat” I encouraged her to write me an email. But I didnt come out and say “please write me an email for sure.” I felt she did understand that I wanted her to write me an email, but really she probably didnt. She did not end up writing one hahaha. But for a while I really thought she was, and I thought it would be some good closure.]

i am prepared for the absolute worst, stay away from me weirdo, to which i would i would gladly respond, glady cupcake. have fun being the new company slut ya whore! taking all comers except one!

but it could be something different, but still 95% BAD outcome. i am not optimistic about the outcome at ALL. but i am still eagerly awaiting it, because at least it means this chapter in muh life can END. hehe worlds biggest closure fan.jpg

i made a small joke of her going to the concert with this guy from job, who is notably younger, taller, handsomer, less bald haha, a bit trimmer more proportionate, who i had long suspected ff with haha, well she tells me she went with him and i was like ouch babe lol. glad to see who’s in the cool kids club lol, thats ok, im already over it B) [i did make a joke about this, because I was kinda upset about her going with him and not even inviting me. I said I like going to concerts with yooooou even if I do not know the Artist very well. it would be fun. you know I like all kinds of music right? then joked about her thinking this guy was cooler than me now, guess she was getting bored of me after 2.5 years hahaha. and then she responded to that work chat by saying nooooo we (me and her) are good friends, you are a way better friend than he is, etc, whcih was exactly what I was fishing for. ]

but yeah the email will send some kind of clear sign that i must abide by in order to keep moral high ground. no exceptions. this is THE END. i can actually breathe a sigh of relief for this being FINSHED. and then i have only the job haha. [well, i was HOPING I would get an email that sent a clear sign. I should have shown the initiative and done that myself and said LISTEN. THIS ENDS NOW.]

play a little cards.

april 1
hmm still waiting on that email that gives me muh precious closure hahaha. [there was a misunderstanding of course.]

also everyone at our job could get laid off today. i wouldn’t mind, the job sucks that bad. and if you convert my money made in 2014 to that of a full time worker, uh then i made less than 10 dollars an hour. so a 12 dollar hour job would be a big step up, provided it has no layoff.

and signing up for company healthcare was a BIG mistake, i will never use it, stuff like dentist and docker office visits, are not affected. finding a new doctor and paying for their office visit is like 120$ copay or whatever, and that’s with insurance. or the insurance just doesnt cover anything. previous doctro was 80 bucks for office visit. i have to find another old white cheap docter hehehe. he is retiring or sick and that is kinda sad, i should see what happened to him. [he had a ridiculous fraud, prescription, sex scandal hahaha and went to prison]

 

just waiting for the email of doom. i mean i really deserve and am entitled to a positive outcome here but 90% will get screwed because i always get screwed by women when it comes to not being rejected haha. can never get my cuddlez and make outs and datez let alone masculine reamings. no hangouts, no nothing. no good, all bad. damn. bitches be bitches man. wipe them off the face of the earth, not before raeping the shit out of them! disgusting degenerate idiot subhumans. [HYPERBOLE!!!!]

averagefags have disappointents with wimmin too, but the good eventually outweighs the bad. not for the likes of us lost souls: the bas has outweighed the good, so we have a generally negative attitude towards women, because women have sucked for us more than they’ve been ok!!!

cons of my ff is that she is a white trash n1993r lover from a very broken family who is dumber than i give her credit for, and doesn’t really like me, and is incraeasingly becoming more degen as time goes on and she gets OLDER.

pros are that she used to be really nice and friendly and decent and non-degen and low-number, and kind and caring and gentle. that is the version of her i fell in luv with.

o how things have changed!

today i should be given a medal for getting out of bed. i am now on the crapper. need to eat breakfast, take shower, start laundry, do a little grooming, prepare relaxer, go to store, come home, hoepfully do powerwalk, then go to BED for three horrendous days coming up, with an email of final doom in there, and having to see her n199er loving whore face for 2 days lol. [I make no apologies for calling her a n199er loving whore hahahaha. I am DISGUSTED by mudsharkery. yeah her mudsharkery could have been worse, and I dont even have proof she BANGED the guy. maybe she nonsecsually dated him for like 5 months and he was like sheeeeeeeeeeit dis white bitch don wanna gibs me dat ass, den i goan get sum dat ass from mah hoodratz bitches son. also he was a charming, light skinned, probably pretty white acting black. NO EXCUSE THOUGH.]

or maybe our center closes today and we all get laid off today. i would not mind. [kind of job where you look forward to being laid off cuz you just cant go on without knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. hooray get at least 8 weeks off and get to collect unemployment. free at last, etc.]

ok bathroom, shower, laundry, breakfast, now its 108 pm, time for a nap hahahaha. no i was going to do relaxer now. waiting for email of doom, knowing her she prob wont even write it and i will be waiting for naught. btiches will disappoint you on EVERY front, no stone unturned of disappointment. i might just have to grab her by brute force. she would probably like the masculine gesture. [HYPERBOLE ]

uh oh maybe she didnt mean she was gonna write the email, but it was a big company announcement. the more i think abotu it, the more this is very probable, because we may get an email today saying were all fired. [she might have mentioned AN email in our chat, when she was talking about a Big Work Email, not a Big Personal Email she was gonna send me!]

but in this case i kinda embarrassed myself with the emotional confession from me yesterday! [Can’t remember what was said. I think it was a work chat where I apologized like a pvssy for making her snap at me, BUT that I also missed her and I felt like I was losing her and I really couldnt go forever with no hanging out. so, KINDA asserting myself. but not assertively enough hahaha. and there was an idea that there might be some kind of email, and I thought oh goody she’s finally gonna open up to me and communicate. NOPE!]

so i texted her and joked about it and she sort of conceded some emotionality herself. but i dont think she was meaning to write me an email with a clear sign, nope not at all. damn. she is still oblivious as fook.

foooook. so, right back where we were, no progress made, no new information gleaned, no motion. kinda frustrating, if she does not hang out with me soon i am done. what a b. i dont have time for b’s, i got 99 problems and a b aint 1.

[yeah that was disappointing. another chance for communication, shot down in flames.]

april 4
insanely angry at ff. shouldnt have texted her tonight but it was the minimum of words possible. prob wont get a response. prob her and her whore mother banged a bunch of n199ers when they were at this thing. and now shes going out getting banged by the guy from work, when she has blown me off and rejeted me many times over the past 6 months literally. blow me off and blow this guy. whats almost as bad as that is the implicatin that i am totally inferior to him. she doesn’t want to hang out with me, she eagerly wants to hang out with him and get F00KED like a dirty whore by him, and i can even GET her to hang out wiht me EVER. f00k. i mean she is just being RIDICULOUS. she says we are “good friends” but she is full of shit. i am furious at her and have pretty much officially swtiched over from love to hate. oh great. this is the real fun part! well, i was well on my way earlier. it was obviously getting to this point. it sucks. hate and jealousy along wtih the bitterness and disappointment, hahaha. increases the risk of me angrily snapping at her, which will make her the winner. i still have one thing to hope for, and that’s being the WINNER. not being the bad guy. having the MORAL HIGH GROUND and HER being the one at FAULT. it’s way more her fault than mine. 90 10.

[yep not a good day there hahaha. lots of anger. I never got this angry after it was over!]

usual hard stupid greuling mind destroying day of work, and one of my male moral supporters was sick, and i avoided calls, but i still did ok, withstood pretty well, and the best part was that SHE was not there today. that was the best part. without her there it’s….not tolerable but quite a bit better. i prefer not seeing her if she is going to be a huge cvnt to me, screwing me over, leaving me in the lurch, hanging, she has pretty much abandoned me in the sense that SHE has given up on me and i am not happy about it.  [abandoned eh? hhehehe. yes indeed. ya dont say. also there were 2 days i worked but she was off those days. at first I thought it sucked not being able to see my Ray Of Sunshine, the Best Part Of My Day….but as things got worse, I looked forward to the days where I wouldn’t have to see her. it was chiller that way. makes me think I probably could have survived the job if she werent there.]

i cannot get her to hang out with me on satruday ngiht, and she is out hanging out with other more exciting more charismatic alpha males when she said she was a shy and not a party person.  getting fucked by alpha males, spreading easily like easy sleazy whore, as she gives these men pleasures i have only dreamed of. damn. god damn dirty whore. [very angry hahaha. not sure if I was referring to a specific saturday night, or any one of the saturday nights that she avoided hanging out with me, had become a disappointing pattern, haha]

went for 30 minute walk to day and had a relaxer and it was sweet. i have the new perfect method, make the relaxer in my cigarette injector. and then take out HALF the filter and stuff the other half back in. and then it looks just like smoking a cig, which decreases the nervousness a LOT. GREAT idea.  [DEGEN!!!!]

i am SO angry at her, almost violently. yep. it si kinda scary how hateful i am getting towards her. like she can f00king d13, the f00king worthless whore. piece of shit. r43p the shit out of her. f00king whore, piece of worthless shit, white trash, whore, f00king tons of guys except me, saying we are friends when she wont even hang out with me, hangs out with other guys and eagerly spreads her cvnt for them and they get some of that so easily which i want so badly, not just to pound that pvssy, but her love and attention and desire and to really be wanted by her, to be liked and lusted after by her. f000000000k. [wow i was emotional back then too hahaha. no i never did anything violent OR creepy to her.]

that relaxer was great. little less amount than the longer ones, but still just enough.

well when she talks to me i have to lie and say i had a ton of fun this weekend AND ESP that i hung out with my FRIENDS and had fun SOCIALISING with them. with my FRIENDS, who you are not, and you were NOT invited to this one [party with male friend?], u popular bitch getting c0x. jealous that she would give that which i want so bad so easily to other people, [no proof, and probably not even happeneing, hahaha] and i cant even get a LITTLE, which ive wanted so bad for TOO LONG. heh. yes six months is WAY too long. THIS ENDS NOW. [heh I said it even then. but didnt DO it. should have DONE it.]

yeah the job gets in the way but i would make time for her, like right now. and she talks and laughs and has fun with other people at the job, yet she f00king forbids me from ever visiting her. last time i visited her she flipped out and got all angry and scary and told me to leave now. i left and since then i havent come back. yet we still CHAT as if nothing weird is happening.  [she was controlling the Rules of Engagement AND avoiding the tension]

maybe she is pushing me to get angry just as i am pushing her to get angry because she wants ME to look like the bad guy, exactly like i want HER to look like the bad guy.

PERFECT way to do that is her be a whore and get f00ked by other guys, then i flip out.

therefore, she WILL f00k other guys, make sure i know about it, probably that guy from job…..and then i MUST not get angry. and then she looks like a cheap whore, and i look like a cool dude, who is too GOOD for such a trifling whore. which is exactly the reputation i want.

but doing that wont be easy. but surviving til layoff is a good first step. but that was especially when i wanted to hang out with her!!!!!

so when she says shes “dating” bla bla i can say, hmm, kinda sucks you refused to give me a chance baby, then she says huh what, then i say, yeah i was obviously asking you to hang out for the past 6 months but you always shot me down. i mean i can r43p you right now, but yeah you really screwed me baby, and i am not happy about it. in fact, this is the last time you’ll see me. f00k you whore, have a shitty life. f00k off and die like your stupid whore friend. you suck, you piece of shit. [i thought it would end with her being a whore, rather than her Abandoning me. I thought she was actually hang out with me and talk to me at some point!]

i wrote like 10 text drafts like that last night hahahaha. it might have been 4/3/15 that i crossed the ultimate rubicon of hate.

[duly noted, good to have a timeline hahaha. also, writing draft texts that you never send is a HALLMARK SIGN that this needs to END NOW. BLURT IT OUT NOW.]

so tired. gotta go to stupid easter mass. will probably do relaxer before it, maybe one in the afternoon too. [ god damn. this is iron clad proof the relaxers are degenerate.]

during the 4 days of the week i see her, i want to try taking 1 valium in two halves, one in morning, one at mid day.

be cool with her. tell her how much fun i had with my friends. just straight up LIE to her to try to bang her. she doesn’t DESERVE the truth. i will just lie lie lie lie lie to try to bang her like the flthy whore she is. and then continue lying to her until i have banged her 200 times or so and am totally sick of her, and use her as a practice girl for MUCH higher quality girls like the other gurl at job. who is prettier and less white trash and hopefully less of a slut, well at least less of a n1993r loving slut.

and i don’t hate black guys, but i do strongly dislike n1993 f00king white bitches. especilly when my so called friend turns out to be one.

heh. well i prob hate her more than she hates me. she is just annoyed at me and wants to make me angry. i f00king hate her whore guts and wouldn’t mind seeing her life destroyed. i am not gonna do antyhing violent or criminal to her or anyone though. no violence or criminal stuff. but maybe shaming pictures of her being a whore, posted all around her neighborhood, facebook, and especially at the job. well, i would def not get hired back if i did that haha, and that prob is criminal. [NO CRIMINAL STUFF! I never did any of this of course. and yeah I kinda wish i COULD be that hateful and angry towards her again, it’s better than being sad and devastated.]

so lie, say i had so much fun, i went to see bla bla movie, bla bla concert, went to this fun thing, oh it was great, it was fun, me and my friend had such a good time, oh which friend, oh my friend make up name, could not say the girl from the job, because she might ask that girl. have to come up with a fake name. how about that young cute gurl who is going to MEDICAL SKOOL who i met at the young man’s party. she was cute, young, not a whore, and was going to medical sckool immed after undergrad, 22 or 23 years old at the oldest.  YEP just say her.oh how do you know her. oh just a friend of a friend, weve been hanging out more, SHE’S REAL COOL, real awesome new person i’ve been spending time with. [this is passive agressive girly games. dont do this.]

total lies, but i can morally justify it. in too much pain and anger and hate.

yeah THAT is on me, i am getting TOO mad and OVERreacting, but i am certianly entitled to a littl ebit of righteous indignation, even christ would agree!!! and certianly i HAVE gone overboard there. but f00k it. as long as i dont do antyhing stupid.

10 37 holy shit i just got a text back from her, was not expecting that. at around 930 i texted her saying how was bla bla. and now text at 1037. and i am out hanging out with my friends right now. can’t text her back for at LEAST 10 minutes. TEXT GAME BEGINS. i am honestly a little tired to go out, was about to lay down and go to sleep, but we will see. well lets at least record what she said here: [i was out hanging out with friends right now? that really doesnt make any sense. maybe I was just about to leave to go out. i dunno. i dont see myself writing in this while I was hanging out with friends, im just not that rude!!!! not sure what I meant here. OOOOOHHHHHHHH I meant I was playing TEXT GAME and I was PRETENDING I was hanging out with friends, so I look like I’m not sitting around waiting for her to text back like I actually was. look like I have a life. Which i dont, hahaha. how pathetic!]

yes it was so nice meeting him im still trying to process it all still. hope your day at work wasnt too rough and have a good holiday 🙂

[ I knew she was meeting this person earlier in the day who…….i cant say too much but I did NOT suspect her of wanting to fook him. he is a middle-aged family man with a wife and children. I think she viewed him as kind of a father figure. well I liked being her father figure too! anyway even if she DID want to fook him, I think he would be decent enough not to fook her.]

wow sounds like something i would write. does not strongly imply she is getting f00ked by bla bla right now, but does not not strongly imply it either! in fact she is putting on whore makeup right now and whorepants and going over to get 00ked right NOW and being happy about it, and throwing me a crumb on her way out the door to be f00ked, and it DOES strongly imply that she does not want to hang out with ME tonight!!! [i was convinced she was going out slutting it up with hot young guys, including the Cool Sexy Level 3 guy from work hahaha]

f00king two faced lying phony fake bitch, i will like to her just like she is a f00king phony nice to me. but i am not phony nice to her! i am honestly a nice guy ™

ahahahahahaha yes i AM a CLASSIC TEXTBOOK niceguy(tm) thining hes entitled to luv just because once friends with grill

well i’m in bed ant too tired to go out, btich should have texted me promptly if she wanted that. or how about at any point during the day saying “yeah ok i am finalyl ready to hang out now, come over at 8 o clock and bangme already”

nope hahahaha. bitch. n1993r loving stupid degenerate disgusting whore.

april 5 easter, 931 am, pooping on toilet

well she did text me back again, and implied she wasn’t out getting f00ked like a n1993rr loving wh0re, and then i felt better about her. but not alot. [its because she did stuff like this that i hadnt lost all hope with her. and its not that she was stringing me along. its because she honestly was a decent person sometimes.]

tell her “it’s easier to get approval to escalate a case than to get approval to hang out with you!” just kidding. but not really lol. [why not just tell her that? I should have. maybe I included it in a work chat she just glossed over. See I could write her stuff but she would MISS it.]

tell her i miss her but i also kinds feel that shes left me hangin and im not sure what she really feels but i am confused and prob she is confused too, well i am confused by her confusing behavior. not confused over the fact i want bang her and go out with her and make her monog gfran.

take shower next, go out to longass easter mass but have a nice relaxer beforehand.

try to write some stuff that i can say, bs talking points to say in the worlds worst situations, to explain the worst disappointmnets. those are the only flashcards i really need.

wrote her a SHORT DRAFT email of real stuff that i should say. i could actualyl send this. but it does need to be as short as possible. [yes i should have actually sent something ASAP.]

APRIL 7

go to new file son

END MARCH 2015 . TXT

END POST hahahahahaha

IT’S HUMILIATING / IT WASN’T WORTH IT

Mar 30

Addition to despair forums profile recently:

 

About Me
Yes, I have been a member since 2006! But I am much more a lurker than a poster and can go years without posting.

MARCH 2016: Still trying to get over my devastating events of 2015, loss of “loved one” and loss of job, something of an emotional breakdown, absolute destruction of all confidence. The loved one was a woman I liked who rejected me in a pretty bad way. She was more than a random woman, but an actual friend I had been friends with for over 2 years. As our friendship grew in depth and closeness and “intimacy”, I developed more-than-friends feelings for her. Because those were based on what I felt was deep mutual trust and knowing each other, the feelings were pretty deep and I thought she was “The One.” Obviously, this type of thing complicates a friendship, and I wanted to talk and communicate with her about it. At this time, she began avoiding me and always having excuses for not hanging out. We used to hang out regularly, now it was always excuses. I didn’t want to be pushy….but I ended up being pushy anyway. I should have just been ASSERTIVE and said “THIS ENDS NOW” and said WE NEED TO TALK, but I am more passive aggressive, less assertive. Not a good way to be with the ladies, hahaha. This pattern continued for 10 months and I was upset she couldn’t even put aside 2 hours to hang out with me outside of work and talk. We used to hang out! Also her excuses were somewhat legit and not really dishonest. She wasn’t dishonest, she was just a classic conflict AVOIDER. I’m the same way, partially, but this I couldn’t avoid. She, however, had no incentive to deal with it, whereas I did. She just wanted to ignore it and hope it would go away. I wanted to put in my bet and get a solid yes or no. It was looking like a no, but she would rather avoid saying it. OK, I can understand. I was also sending verbal signals and pretty clear signs like “we have been friends for a long time and I appreciate you more and more the longer we’ve known each other, and I would like to continue to get closer to you and spend more time with you this year. you are very important to me and I am very thankful for you” etc etc. I think she successfully interpreted what that meant and then was scared by my feelings because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

Anyway, over 10 months it built to a boiling point and she stopped talking to me altogether. Wouldn’t respond to my texts anymore, pretended I didn’t’ exist. This was not the way I wanted our almost 3-year relationship to end. I freaked out and quit the job we both worked at. We were friends BEFORE we both got this job in late 2013, we weren’t “just work friends” but that’s what it seemed she wanted us to become. I wrote her 3 long emails explaining my side of the story, my feelings, spelled it all out for her, begged her to respond, but she didn’t respond at all.

I felt like I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. For a long time, I blamed myself for “making her do this” and pushing her away from me. Like I betrayed her by getting feelings for a friend. She wouldn’t talk or respond to me AT ALL. And I didn’t want to be a “weirdo” and bombard her with messages. I felt I kept the messages to a non-weirdo level, but I did send 3 long emails over the course of 1 month.

I just wanted her to acknowledge my feelings, to care about my feelings, and to show concern about an important relationship in both our lives for almost 3 years. I wanted her to tell me this friendship mattered to her and that it hurt her too, that the friendship had to be over. I know at one time I was an important friend to her. I just don’t like being thrown away, I didn’t feel like I was treated like a human being, it was a huge devastated heartbreaking disappointment.

Total lack of closure altogether. I have NO IDEA what she was thinking or feeling. I have TONS of unanswered questions that will never BE answered because she won’t talk to me. I felt abandoned, given up on, thrown away, like she bailed and gave up on me. When you want to get out of a relationship, at least TELL the other person. Write me an email at least. I wrote you long emails and explained as fully as I could what I was feeling. Try to do the same for me. Just show me a LITTLE mercy and kindness and appreciate that this hurts me. Care about me and my broken heart hahahaha.

Our job was super stressful, basically involved trying to fix and explain things you don’t really understand, to anxious callers with strange technical problems. You never felt confident or competent. Always put on the spot and overwhelmed. The sense of being an impostor that didn’t really know how to do your own job. Fix and explain something you’ve never seen before. Show no weakness, you’re supposed to be the expert. Be familiar with 100000000000 different technical things and be prepared to explain them on the spot. Be an expert tutor for classes you’ve never taken before. Be an expert in things you’ve never learned. It was the best money I’ve ever made in my life but I hated it. I was also upset my performance was affected by her, her being there. I was upset she could manage her emotions better and deal with the job better, and ultimately I was too WEAK to hold down the job, while she continues to succeed there, make more money, her life is not affected at all, but mine is turned upside down.

I just wanted her to COMMUNICATE with me like a mature adult and help end an important relationship in a kind, caring way. Show me the kindness that she USED to show me when we were friends. NOT just avoid, block, ignore, abandon, give up, bail out, and “ghost” me. This is a mind-boggling and just an insane way to be dumped. I will never do this to someone.

My conclusion is that she is just that conflict-avoidant. She doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t feel betrayed by me, she probably does value me as a once-important friend….but this was pure fight or flight, and she chose flight. There was no incentive for her to do the mature thing here. Just push it under the rug. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Let the drowning person drown. Get rid of the problem. If you could perform an abortion on a relationship, that’s what it seemed symbolic of.

But it was important to me to know that she didn’t HATE me, that she didn’t feel BETRAYED by me, and that she valued me and valued our friendship. I will never get answers here, though I was tempted to contact her. But a month after it all went down, I stopped sending emails and went No Contact altogether. That was a struggle, but I kept to it. I wanted her to contact me, but she never did. Indeed, now I’m tempted to contact mutual people to try to learn if she told them anything about what happened because I don’t want other people getting only her side of the story…..whatever that may be.

It was just a horrible, horrible ending to one of the most important relationships I’d had in many years. I had never gotten feelings for a female friend before. I also hadn’t had a female friend in years. And I hadn’t been friends with a woman for this long term. Usually by almost 3 years, we drift away mutually. Not here hahaha.

I wish I had been more assertive and proactive, but I REALLY wish she had shown a little COURAGE in dealing with this. Now I worry that all women are simply not mature enough to handle situations like this. Which I know is false. I’ve been dumped in better ways than this before!

All I needed was a standard, “Awwwwwww! I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way! You’re a good person, though!”

But she RAN AWAY from me and I had no idea what she was really thinking or feeling, and I never will.

The job was so stupid and stressful and I wanted to get out of there anyway. It was damaging to the emotional health hahaha. And so was she. I could handle both separately, but not both TOGETHER. I was angry that the JOB came between us. If we didn’t work together every day, I would have handled BOTH situations much better. but there was a definite synergy here in the worst possible way, haha.

Now I have been jobless for about 8 months, haven’t contacted her in 7 months, kind of plateauing on her, starting to get over it, but still pretty butthurt, and feel I will never meet another woman I have feelings for. I feel she is The Last One. I feel I will always be comparing other women to her, how we used to get along so well, and how I liked her so much, was willing to commit to her wholeheartedly. I figure it will take at least another year for me to become emotionally available. I don’t want other women, I want her. I would still “take her back” if she came to me and apologized.

Who QUITS THEIR JOB over something like this? But it’s possible something else would have pushed me to quit the job too. But I am angry because, after a year on the job, I was finally starting to get the hang of it and show real competence and confidence. How do normal people deal with the reality of “sink or swim” practice of job “training”? The confusion and uncertainty were maddening.

So now I feel super underconfident in doing other jobs: this is NORMAL for jobs to not train you! how do you DEAL with pressure and uncertainty and making quick decisions when you don’t really know what you are doing, and manage to survive long enough, for months, until you finally DO start to know what you are doing?

Also, employers will rightfully view me as UNSTABLE. When your Emotional Instability starts to really affect your Working Life, hahaha. It’s AMAZING how DIFFICULT it is just to be a normal working-class adult and hold down a job like a responsible, healthy, normal, average adult. I’ve never really been able to do it. Same with relationships with women. I am definitely the marrying type and the fathering type, I would really like to be married and have children, but I am NOT EVEN CLOSE. Also, I don’t want to have children with somebody unless I Really Love and am Committed to them. Kinda like how I was with my woman friend. There was no on the fence. No one foot out the door (well, not for me.) No, well let’s give this a try and see what happens. I was ALL IN. My mind was set on a lifelong commitment.

And it’s stupid I think more about HER than I do about getting a new job. But I have been getting better with the job search. But the next job I get, I HAVE to stay at for at least a YEAR, even if it’s even WORSE. Don’t want to look like a job hopper. And I am terrified of being put into situations where I have to face customers and clients and I don’t know what I am doing, because The New Normal is for companies to not train their employees because it costs too much money. And then people b!!ch at you when you make mistakes OR ask for help. The F’n New Guy. What a M0R0N.

BTW the profile picture refers to “Pepe the frog” and “tendies.” Google pepe and tendies memes to understand haha. Pepe is a meme frog which can be used in many situations. Tendies is a NEET meme (google neet hahaha) referring to neet L0sers who are too lazy and spoiled to get a job and they just live at home their whole lives and never grow up, never develop into adults, and if they earn enough “good boy points” by emptying their Pee Bottles and leaving the house, then their Mommy makes their 30-year-old virgin L0ser son some Chicken Tendies. YUMMMMM! Neets often have Depression and Anxiety and read /r9k/ on 4chan and 8chan and share pathetic tales of despair, being a 30 year old unemployable virgin. It’s a pathetic life. Some neets legit enjoy not being “wagecucks” and they enjoy watching anime all day. I just want to be a productive adult and have a 3D waifu hahaha. I don’t like anime. But it’s so difficult to convince companies to hire me and so hard to convince women that I am Cool Enough to Hang Out With. I’m tired of always having to Prove myself, and then having my argument not be persuasive enough, so I don’t get the job or the woman. I do not deal with rejection well hahaha. Also, I am just tired of being rejected over and over. I think you need a little success once in a while to keep you going. But it is demoralizing to go many years without gainful employment, and to go many many years without an Intimate Relationship. I hope it doesn’t leave permanent damage, but it certainly does decrease your confidence and make you less attractive to both employers and women.

I am actually a good/great employee, and a good/great friend, and would be a great partner to the right woman, but I feel like people don’t give me a fair CHANCE. Well, nobody said life is FAIR hahahaha. You have to assertively demand that people give you a chance. And 99% of the time they will still reject you, hahahaha. And not in a nice way either, hahaha.

Basically, I want to stop feeling like a Loser and stop BEING a Loser and just be more of a winner. It sux being a Loser At Life. A Failure. The two biggest things that would fix that are gainful employment at a job that doesn’t drive you crazy; and a healthy relationship with someone who will love you in good times and bad. Yeah, these are kinda big things and take a LOT of work. And I don’t feel capable of doing such sustained, intense, focused work. Everything just seems TOO HARD hahaha. The stuff normal people do as part of being normal: working, having a wife. They make it LOOK EASY but its really haaaaaarrrdddd as heck.

Anyway I think companies SHOULD train their employees and SHOULD create an environment where people can get HELP in doing their jobs. That they are “set up for success” and not failure. No more sink or swim. I understand cutting costs in the short term, but I care much more about the long term. I would ALWAYS try to help new people once I actually knew something about the job. ALWAYS. And I would support them and encourage them. Because I know how hard it is to be a new guy and spend day after day, month after month, feeling like an 1d10t. Yes, that eats away at your confidence, rather than builds it up. like a train wreck in slow motion hahaha. We’re all here to do our jobs the best we can. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what to say and I’ll say it. Give me the tools and processes to Solve Problems and I will solve problems. Don’t make me figure everything out by myself. What kind of message does it send to our clients to have people out there that are terrified and clearly don’t know what they’re doing? Also, some people do better than others when under pressure. I break under pressure and can’t do even simple things. Other people do their best work under pressure. not me. I can’t even remember my own NAME when under pressure. Are there any jobs for people who don’t handle pressure well????!?!?!

The most useful thing to me was Studying After Work. Studying like I had a big College Maths Exam the next day. Because that’s what it felt like. Taking a test all day, every day, only you had to orally explain your answers as you worked them while an anxious person hovered over you and interrogated you. But you hadn’t really studied the book or done the homework or gone to lectures and you had the worst, most useless instructor ever. I couldn’t believe a job could BE like that. It blew my mind and shattered my soul hahaha. But I managed to persevere for a full year, and slowly improve, until the problem with The Darn WOMAN pushed me to my breaking point. It’s all SO frustrating and disappointing.

I don’t like having to “BS” people just to get them off the phone. I like to ACTUALLY fix problems and to ACTUALLY know what’s going on. I like being able to get help from another person. I REALLY like being able to transfer a client to a more knowledgeable colleague when I can’t figure something out, and being able to listen in and see how THEY handle the problem. I don’t like being told to “figure it out” and left on my own to flail like a drowning man. You constantly wanted a hero to swoop in and save you, but you had to be your own hero and cobble together the most kludgey workarounds. “Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks” was my metaphor. It looked UNPROFESSIONAL as heck. It looked like we didn’t know what we were doing and were making it up as we went along……because that’s exactly what it was. I do not deal well with that kind of work. I need certainty and real explanations and real knowledge and real HELP.

That job, combined with THAT PERSON, was a recipe for disaster, and boy did it happen.

I have a huge ridiculous blog that is focused on helping losers become winners. Lately though it is me moaning about being a loser. To show the world what Real Love and Real Heartbreak looks like. To share the internal world of someone who knows he’s a loser and just can’t pull himself out of it. BUT trying to be more optimistic than /r9k/ for example. You should read /r9k/ for a while to get an idea of what it is……then stay away from it forever. My perspective is like /r9k/ but for people that really really want to Get Better. Anyway, message me if you want the link for my blog.

That is not my real birthday but I am in my Early Thirties. An Older Millennial. I definitely feel older and different than the younger/average millennial. I still have some similarity with generation x. the nihilism and cynicism hahaha. but I never became a successful adult like they did. also, most younger millennials are more successful adults than I am. good jobs, good relationships. I just can’t relate to these normies hahahaha but darn I wish I did!!!!!

I try to deal with stuff by writing although not sure if that really helps. Also, like to exercise, that might help a little more. Trying to lose weight. maybe that will make me more attractive to women hahaha. so desperate for female attention and approval!!!!! always have been.

But I am not really a bad or annoying or creepy guy. I have had great friends who really appreciated me. I just am shy and introverted and people need to give me a chance hahaha. But the people who did give me a chance usually ended up getting something valuable out of it, hahaha.

I just don’t like being abandoned or given up on by a close friend! This would hurt ANYBODY, even the most confident NORMIE!!!!! And so it was especially hurtful to me, being insecure and unstable hahaha.

I don’t shove my insecurities in people’s faces. Only anonymously on the internet, hahaha. In Real Life, I just seem like a quiet and nice guy. Though maybe a little weird because a little too quiet. But I’ve had people who appreciated me. I guess I would like to have more appreciation at the moment hahaha. My family appreciates me THANK GOD but I am greedy for more appreciation: that of especially women and jobs.

I like all kinds of music and movies. I enjoy black metal and artsy foreign movies. Yes, these things can be quite degenerate. It’s hard finding stuff to watch or listen to that isn’t TOO degenerate.

I am really against Degeneracy, though, which I find in EVERYTHING. Any product of modern culture is somewhat degenerate. Promoting immorality, hedonism, and nihilism. I have discarded things I used to like, simply because it’s ultimately a bad influence. For this very reason, I am no longer a Big Fan of any TV shows. TV is horribly degenerate in general. As are movies. As is music. It’s hard to ENJOY anything because so much is rooted in degeneracy and has no higher meaning. Like I said, it promotes and is born from an unhealthy worldview. It does not nourish or strengthen the soul. It’s hollow and empty and soulless and sometimes downright wrong, immoral, evil. No redeeming qualities. Casual sex, hedonism, nihilism, moral relativism, amoral, immoral, if it feels good, do it. If it gets you off, do it. I can’t tolerate that stuff anymore. Or where the only thing that matters is that everyone is Consenting. Consent is a crappy Moral Standard. Two people can CONSENT to something that is horribly immoral.

Young people can be BRAINWASHED into living a degenerate life. I know I was. It’s basically short-term hedonistic GLUTTONY of the senses. I never did casual sex simply because I was not attractive to women, but I did use too much pornography for a time. Porn is hugely degenerate IMHO and I wish I’d never seen it. I want to stay away from it for the rest of my life. We should not tolerate Porn as a normal thing. It’s BAD. It’s WRONG. It’s IMMORAL. It’s DEGENERATE. NO GOOD can come from it.

As you can see, I am no stranger to making Strong Moral Judgments hahahaha. I would have it no other way. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more Moralistic. I Cannot tolerate moral relativism anymore. There is RIGHT, and there is WRONG. Period.

I perhaps overestimate how “degenerate” some things are, but I truly believe the stuff goes DEEP. It is ALMOST like a deep PsyOp designed to destroy our morality and our souls. The Devil works in crafty, mysterious ways hahaha.

No, I am not super religious but I have become more religious. Or, at least antiatheistic, where when I was young and dumb I was vehemently atheistic, antitheistic. Now I just think that is smug sophistry by fedora-wearing “I Luv SCIENCE” types.

A lot of this is tied to a Political and Ideological awakening I had in my mid to late twenties where I essentially went from Left to Right, to oversimplify it greatly. In college, you had to be Far Left to be cool. I wanted to be cool, to just fit in, and have friends, meet girls, have people like me. But as I got older, I couldn’t keep going with the moral relativism of the Left. I had to Become Who I Was hahaha.

Uhhh I won’t judge anyone here as degenerate. That is none of my business. Just try not to HURT people. It’s not that hard. If they are begging you to show them mercy, show them mercy. If they are begging you not to throw them away like a piece of garbage, DON’T throw them away like a piece of garbage! Have respect and care for your friends’ feelings! Don’t add insult to injury! Also don’t be a cheater.

And don’t have casual sex with more than one person at once. Yes, it’s the other person’s business because you might be giving them a disease hahaha. You know what, don’t have casual sex at ALL because sex is inherently INTIMATE and NOT casual, and when you try to make it casual, this will come back to haunt you, by making you unable to connect with people. Unable to love haha.

If you are a woman who has a male friend, understand that he might develop feelings for you after a while. Try not to be hugely offended by this, and let him down GENTLY. He’s still the same person you became friends with. He just likes you so much that he wants to take the friendship to a deeper level. Let him down GENTLY. Darn.

.

END

yeah buddy.

mar 31

well, I felt all energized and uplifted because I posted 2 rambling incoherent posts on despair forums, now the next day I am too scared to go and check the replies. scared that somebody is gonna criticize my rambling, incoherent, stupid nonsense hahaha and bad communicators don’t get good jobs like the 21-year-old gurls right out of college with their shiny LinkedIn profiles who have better jobs than I ever will. working for healthcare admin hmos maybe? wearing problem glasses yet still being cute, making 20 dah as some kind of Team Lead or Program Manager. hahaha, I have never been a team lead in my life. I hate when young women become Job Leaders. I wish I could be as successful as Young Women. they will probably make You Know Who a Team Lead. so she can give shitty advice to tier 1. fook her hahahaha. I used to give GOOD advice to new tier 1’s when I was just a tier 1 as well!!!!!

and I gave much better advice as a tier 1 than she will ever give as a tier 2! she will be one of those useless tier 2’s that gives shitty advice, and is always bitchy, and refuses to escalate for desperate newbs who are begging for escalation!

hopefully, she can also become a fat mudshark single mom to a brown baby and a deadbeat baby daddy and she gets hooked on pain pills recreationally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when she coulda been a good wife to me, and FIXED me hahahaha and we would have HUHWHYTE babies, and I would never leave her and she would never leave me, and I would gradually move up in my career and make more money and become more respected and have an easier job and make more money hahaha and people could say damn, he is SMART and he is GOOD and he is the BEST manager ever. I want to BE LIKE him. He’s got a great faithful wife too, and 3 or more beautiful children. I want him to write me a letter of reference so I can get a southern new Hampshire online MBA for 80 grand.

I hate that she is way dumber than me and almost as lazy and underachieving and losery and unambitious, yet she does OK with her working life and is on the way up, while I am constantly falling towards rock bottom, like homer falling down the Jagged Crags of Springfield gorge. and she is almost 10 years younger than me.

I HATE HAVING TO COMPETE WITH MUCH YOUNGER WOMEN FOR JOBS AND HAVING THEM BE WAY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

young college age gurls, who are probably huge casual sex having sluts, partying on the weekends, are fookin managers and supervisors and team leads making 20 DAH and writing business bullshit on their LINKEDIN pages and treating LinkedIn as their new facebook. And they are spewing the business bullshit very well, talking just like A Manager, not even misspelling shit. How do they BULLSHIT so WELL?

I wish they were just at home having white babies and there would be more jobs open for white men like me hahahaha.

it just seems very unnatural and unwholesome to compete against women for jobs. when you can’t get women OR jobs, it makes you even MORE resentful against women. cuz they have the good jobs that you want and can’t get, and also you want women themselves, but can’t get them either. and if they removed themselves from the workforce and weren’t so damn career focused, there wouldn’t be such fierce competition for jobs, and you’d have a better chance at getting a damn job.

and every damn woman has DUMPED you AND they became successful At Work while you continued to be a HUGE FAILURE at both Work AND Women hahaha.

there’s the gurl who’s 10 years younger than you, you fell in love with her, she dumped you harshly, she’s dumber than you, yet she’s way more successful than you and makes way more money than you. its HUMILIATING!!!!!!

yes going on LINKEDIN is NOT RECOMMENDED. fooking hip young college gurls treating it as a CAREER FACEBOOK, all trying to one-up each other in their health and recruiting and staffing and PR and marketing and HR careers. and social work and teaching.

I read their accomplishments and I don’t even know what this shit MEANS because I’ve never worked a job like that. let alone succeeded at it and ADVANCED in it. hahaha. I have always quit before I ADVANCED in anything because I can’t handle the pressure hahaha. how do these young dumb GURLS do it? how are they STRONGER than me???!!!

I HATE THAT!!!!! IT’S HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

welp applied to 3 jobs so far today.  that makes 11 this week. still haven’t heard anything hahaha.

well you have to do 100 applications to get 1 interview, and 100 interviews to finally get 1 job! therefore, you must apply to 1000 jobs. therefore, I am 11/1000  aka .011% on my journey to get a job hahahaha.

EXCUSE ME. 1.1%. aka .011 straight up. 1.1% in 4 days is not bad. therefore, about 400 days to get a job hahaha.

a lower paying job than before where SHE makes at least 3 DAH more than I do, but hopefully something less stressful.

shit. I want HER to go crazy and quit the job. to one day say NOPE I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE and walk out and start all over again like I did.

FOOK these BITCHES and their SUCCESS!!!!!!

well mainly I’m angry at my own lack of success, but when you lack something, you are mad at yourself for not being able to reach your own standards, but also jealous and envious and butthurt at all the people who HAVE what you WANT.

ie WOMEN, women have the JOBS and they have….the women hahahaha. They have the things you want, and you’re not good or strong enough to get those things for yourself, but a 21-year-old gurl IS?

ITS HUMILIATING!!!!!!!

years of this can really give you an inferiority complex!!!

that really hurts you in regards to Struggling for Jobs and Struggling for Women!

Life IS Struggle!

you can’t get demoralized by that struggle, you have to

JUST KEEP STRUGGLING.

NEVER STOP STRUGGLING.

this video keeps popping up

do women have in-group loyalty or not?  The video seemed pretty good from fast forwarding thru it without sound hahaha.

so women are naturally TRAITORS and OPPORTUNISTS? This SUCKS. How are men SUPPOSED to love that shit? sure, carrying your child is a big deal……

well maybe women CHANGE after they have CHILDREN, to become less traitorous. And better people. Better wives. so it makes perfect sense to have children ASAP so you don’t grow up to be a SHITTY TRAITOR.

WILL TRADE RACISTS FOR RAPISTS hahaha

Women would rather get RAPED by RAPEUGEES than show any allegiance to men of their own race who white knight and defend then. Rather get RAPED by an outgroup than be DEFENDED by your ingroup.

ABSOLUTELY TRAITOROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh. Watching that video and reading the comments won’t make you LIKE women any more.

Hey, didn’t I say I don’t LIKE hating women? its too unhealthy? That it’s better for my mental health to LIVE IN DENIAL regarding the INHERENT SHITTINESS of women? That that’s really the best way to take care of MY self and not get discouraged.

tfw when LYING TO YOURSELF IS BETTER FOR YOU THAN being HONEST with yourself. yikes.

well i guess never be so unaware of your lie that you do stupid shit, like get feelings for a woman or get married or have children hahahaha.  get chained to some traitorous bitch that will divorce you in 6 months and take your money and house and kids to ride the carousel and outperform you in career.

Just got a call about Accounting Clerk job thru staffing agency with hopefully nearby client. Just applied for the job less than 4 hours ago. they left message, I froze and knew I should call them back before 3:30 when the Recruiter said She was leaving office. Worried that they would put me on spot with hard bullshitty questions right there. Faced the fear and called anyway. Sounded pretty good on phone. Explained my accounting experience: I worked as an “Accounting Department Assistant” briefly 11 years ago; I took 3 college courses in accounting and got A’s; understand basics of accounting; know some Quickbooks and Peachtree and excel of course; but they specifically wanted X years of Paid Working SAP experience. I said I didnt have that but was more than willing to learn SAP as quickly as needed. Sorry, we need SAP people immediately, but we will keep your resume on file. Ok, thank you.

She was moderately nice and not a hostile bitch, so that was good.

Yeah “learning SAP quickly” is like “learning All Maths quickly”. Learn to become an experienced Software Engineering Quickly and get ramped up to hit the ground running tomorrow for your new job as a microsoft senior developer. I know SAP is a complicated, confusing, big, customizable, labrynthine behemoth, the cause of nightmares and ulcers and lost sleep and racing thoughts and ragequits hahahaha. You have to pay good money to get decent SAP training. One does not simply learn SAP quickly and hit the ground running for a 12 DAH job. I am surprised they don’t have full blown degrees in SAP. I am sure there are full courses in SAP. Beginning, intermediate, advanced. I have taken none. I’ve taken Intro and INtermediate Accounting though! Got all the way through the 30 pound 1500 page textbook! Remember very little other than assets = liabilities + equity, and I couldn’t explain what that means to an accounting student. Couldn’t even bullshit it.

BULLSHITTING IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS YOU CAN HAVE. And I am VERYYYYY rusty on it. And I don’t like doing it all day. It’s dishonest and exhausting!!!!!!!

But oh well, I called them. That is an accomplishment. Now to see what these assholes on despair forums are tearing me apart.

No, not really thankfully. I think I even got 1 like! Made one more long, rambling incoherent post. There is honestly much less activity on this forum than on the trails forum. I can’t believe it! Despair form gets like 1 post every 5 to 10 minutes, TRS gets a couple posts every minute!

i guess i wouldnt have a HUGE problem with me having casual sex with some random young qt. i mean hey if they want to be a slut I’m not gonna stop them! I just don’t care about Randoms!

but HER, the idea of HER having casual sex offends and RUSTLES me TO THE MOON!!!!! cuz I Luved her and treated her cvnt like some kind of sacred, life-bearing treasure from GOD. which it kinda was. but feeling like that is gonna bring me nothing but pain now. Cuz i just want to forget about her, forget i ever met it. it wasn’t worth it.

We had some really good times, but IT JUST WASNT WORTH IT.

The bad times outweighed the good times. And the good times were really good. But the bad times were really, really bad. It was a Net Loss. Net Bad.

Yeah, I LEARNED shit that will make me better and smarter…..but I think I was capable of having a good rel ALREADY, WITHOUT learning these painful lessons. like yeah the lessons were valuable, but they weren’t valuable ENOUGH, they werent MANDATORY.

THE LESSONS WERENT EVEN WORTH IT.

Therefore, QED, I wish I had never met her. Damn.

A big important 2.7 year long relationship which I was heavily invested was not worth it. I wish it had never happened. Then I would have come out ahead of where I am now. Wish I had never met that person.

It’s like putting all your money in an investment, then the investment crashes and you lose all your money. Great. what did you learn? don’t invest all your money in that bad investment. Great Lesson bitches hahaha. but its not gonna get you your life savings back, and you’re not gonna get better about spotting bad investments in the future, nor do you have any money to invest in them.

Like I said, she had some yellow flags, but actually LESS than the average woman. I watch like a HAWK for red flags and picked her because she seemed to LACK them. There was no red flags that she was gonna do what she did. I figured she didnt like me but I had no idea she would completely ignore and block me to the extent that she did. I thought she would respond to me EVENTUALLY. NOPE. and there were no red flags indicating that.

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/college-student-always-depressed-0

hehehe i was kinda like this pathetic loser