yeah buddy. well this book says it has exercises and worksheets to do on Grief and another on Relationships so i migth do that here.

it also talks about how the Devastation you feel is normal and natural.

it also says you will be getting a strong urge to “pine and search” and seek them out. its normal to have the urge but its bad and harmful to stalk them and go by their house hahahaha that is not recommended.

you think if you could have One More Final Talk with them, you could figure everything out, have closure, try to get an Explanation, ask them just one more final questions, tell them one more thing, i found some solidarity in the quotes from Clients and people who the author got fodder from in writing the book.

oh i just wanted them to say that that our relationship was important to them. or that they EVER luved me.

i just wanted to apologize one more time, i realized another thing i had done wrong, so i could apologize for that and maybe getting them back.

so yeah a lot of familiar thoughts and feelings there! we are not alone hahaha.

yeah decent book, worth the $4, i recommend it.

but yeah i have gotten better about not choosing the same Broken People, for example, woman2,3, and the former woman5 before i removed her from the woman lineup, were basically Crazy Sluts with severe Emotional Problems. of course they ended up more emotionally stable, way more career successful, and more long term relationship success than me, but thats because men have to do all the work in rels hahahaha and women can be on their worst behavior all the time hahahaha.

really the recurring pattern is i keep falling in luv with women who do not have feelings for me!

so really the Intimate Rel never really STARTS.

well except with sluts who have secs early. then they say yeah you know what i dont really have feeligns for you, lets stop having secs, i am bored and this isnt fun any more.

so……..i need to be more FUN? i need to make the women LIKE me more?

hehehe i may need a stronger book if i ever get an Actual Special Rel which Ends. like if i Date a gurl for a year and then she dumps me for stupid reason and i am heartbroken.

but i cant even really DO the Relationship Inventory because we simply did not spend a LOT of time together. we spent a LITTLE time together but yeah i didnt know her friends and family that well; we didnt even hang out regularly; i couldnt even get her to hang out with me for fooks sake.

i would pathetically beg to go to dinner and go out of my way to specify “ILL PAY! MY TREAT!” or wanna go to this event, i will buy your ticket for you, etc.  so she couldnt use the excuse of not having any money to pay for dinner or whatever.  that would not stop most women who have 10000000K $ of credit card debt, and i liked that she was Frugal and fairly responsible with the money mindedness. however she could also easily make the excuse that she doesnt have the money to go out to dinner, or go to a movie, or do ANYTHING, so i would tell her ILL PAY!

when of course the truth was, she just didnt want to hang out with ME.

cuz she didnt want to do free things either, like go to the park or hang out at home.

dont ask to hang out with people who never want to hang out with you! are you really THAT repulsive? hehehe you might think so sometimes, but you are probably not.

relships are stupid. they are so weak and tenuous. they require the consent and agree of BOTH parties at all times. and the instant ONE person decides they dont want to be in the rel any more……..its over.

it takes TWO people to START, and ONE person to END.

hard to start, easy to end.

i think i have gotten over any grief from my past, i have gotten over all the other heartbreaks and learned the lessons. dont fall in luv with flaky sluts, dont fall in luv too fast, act in a timely manner once you get feelings, and now, be more direct with communication, act in an even more timely manner, try to be friends first, dance through the minefield, make one misstep and KABOOM hahahahaha.

anyway so many heartbroken people think that oh if they could just have ONE MORE TALK with the person, they could convince them to stay, they could FIX things. i thought/think the same thing! but i am learned that when that person is DONE and CHECKED OUT and FINISHED, nothing is gonna change their mind. they have single handedly ended the relationship. thats just how relships work. its fooking gay.

yet i still think Relationships are a Good Thing and we should strive towards having Good Relationships between men and women.

Most Western White Women are degenerate nihilists and have a negative view of Relationships themselves!

“Relationships suck. relships are too much drama. too much work. not worth it. i would rather just date casually and be a huge promiscuous whore.” hahahaha.

ALL my relships with women, well the “love” relships, have been NOT WORTH IT, yet i still BELIEVE, iama TRUE BELIEVER in the inherent Goodness of Relships. Modern Western Women are true believers in the inherent badness of longterm monog special luv relships. how TWISTED and DEGENERATE is that!

well, maybe not “MOST”, but maybe only a Small Majority, like 55 or 60% hahahaha. oh wait. a “Small Majority” IS “MOST.”


anyway yeah i GUESS i was slightly comforted to know that what happened to me has happened to many many thousands and millions of people.

people single handedly ending relationship because theyre just DONE, they dont WANT to fix it, they just want OUT. people running away, disappearing, ignoring, avoiding.

they wont talk to you one more time, nothing you say can convince them. they dont WANT to fix it, they WANT it all to END, they want to be DONE and damn is that a simple process for them. they just decide its over, and then its over. damn.

i guess the lesson is, dont get feelings before having secs because women always have secs too soon hahahaha; no honestly, dont get feelings until they start to show some feelings for YOU.

well there was one time when i thought she might have feelings for me, around july 2014, then my feelings switched on a mere 3 months after that, in october 2014. wouldnt she still be able to rekindle feelings at that point, IF she indeed had any? probably. i know i would be able to rekindle feelings even after like a year of no contact. and we def we not no contact, we saw each other every day and got along pretty well from july to october.

but you cant really control when you get feelings. i got feelings and it was bad timing!

anyway if you get feelings, blurt it out within three months.

but its ridiculous if you get feelings if you dont know the girl at all.

this kinda happened with woman2012. i got feelings for her before we even started hanging out! stupid!

and we did not even hang out that much, or become that close of friends, i was much closer with woman2015!!!!

it just sucks to be close to someone, then they become a stranger, by withdrawing, and not caring abotu you any more.

but muh breakup book shows that this happens all the time.

but why do these people do this?

because they are Broken People?

my book says, when you get thoughts like this, say “it doesnt matter” 3 times hahahaha.

also if someone avoids hanging out wiht you for 3 months then blurt it out already, write them an email, the email wont fix anything, because its ALREADY OVER.

well ok. just because communication probably wouldnt have fixed this, because she jsut wanted out, and no amount of commuincation would have CHANGED that, doesnt mean that commuincation itslef is inherently useless or futile. an exercise in futility hahahaha.

but we see that Two To Make It, One To Break It motif once again: BOTH people have to want to communicate, for commuincate to work or event to merely happen. if one person desperately wants to commuincate and the other person doesnt……its not gonna work. its already over.

so in other words, it was over between me and her before i even knew it. it was over the moment she refused to communicate with me!

maybe you should just try to Bang any Nonugly female friend you ever have, even if you think it would be weird. fook it. do it anyway. better to be weird now than weird later. better to be weird now than you fall in luv with her later and never get to bang her hahahaha.

so i should have tried to bang her immediately? tried to get her to cheat on her boifran at the time? maybe! i dunno about that though. i did honestly respect their relship. i did not respect the relship between her and the new boifran though. i would try to get her to cheat on that. but she was in luv with him and was upset when he cheated on her hahahaha.

but i thought jealous was the most immature emotion, nobody OWNS anybody like a Controlling Slavemaster Oppressive Patriarcy! You dont OWN ME! YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MAH BODY!!!!!!

anyway. yeah i guess i should have tried to bang her the instant she broke up with her boifran. just moved in there like a wolf. a hawk. even if i didnt have feelings.

use her as a practice gurl hahahaha. no i couldnt do that because I Respected Her Too Much.

so say you are heartbroken and you meet a Degenerate Slut you dont respect, who likes to have Casual Sex with all these guys. Should You Bang Her?

OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. It will give you valuable EXPERIENCE and CONFIDENCE. Just WRAP IT UP (beause these dirty whores wont care! theyve already got The Clap and HPV and Herpes and Chlamydia), and remember that there are nondegenerate women in the world, not all women are like that, and do not treat respectable nondegenerate women the way disrespectful way you treat nonrespectable degenerate women!!!! dont let that make you a woman hater. but the Casual Sex will make you more CONFIDENCE and EXPERIENCED, which are valuable skills for pulling Actual Worthwhile Women!

not that all human beings lives dont have value.

just that SOME people are more valuable than others when you are looking for a monogamous longterm special relationship partner, a wife and mother of your children! duuuuuuuuuuhhhh!

maybe i could have got her to not walk out if i had had a babby with her hahahaha.

well, some women will still walk out on you EVEN IF YOU HAVE BABBYS WITH THEM! take the babbys with them and wilfully kick the father out of the childrens life just because! for no reason. because they dont luv you and they just want out of the rel.

ok time for the 3.6 miler hahaha.

ok did it. did not do much jogging on it.

anyway. red flags. when i first met female friend, she told me all about her life and actually i felt that was a little Too Much, and thats part of why i kept her at a distance. i was just like mmm hmmm ok but thinking why are you telling me all this? all this personal and intense family stuff. funny she was more intimate with me that way in the VERY BEGINNING than she was after two years. then she would not want to tell me anything about her life at all! but at that very begnning, i was like this gurl has had a very hard, sad, tough life and i feel SORRY/PITY for her, but i could never be with a woman that has that much baggage.

usually that type of baggage leads them to being a huge whore, so i suspected her of that at first. of being very promiscuous, irresponsible, etc, cuz no good father figure.

as i came to know her i saw that she was responsible and non promiscuous. this caused me to like and trust her more.

where did it all go wrong? it really almost doesnt matter. if i had been direct and communicated about her New Boifran, or talked about my feelings to her, she probably STILL would have distanced herself from me and rejected me, maybe it would jsut happen a little softer. which would have been worth it hahaha.

anyway i guess the lesson is Always Be Communicating hahahaha.

if you have a female friend and she is NICE and you GET ALONG and she is not ugly, have A Talk every month or two months about if maybe you should try dating or Banging.

im not sure if i ever said “I COULD NEVER DATE HER”. i just said “ugh. that would be weird.”

i had other female friends and this was never a problem!!!!

is this a “when harry met sally” type thing? i dunno maybe. never saw that stupid movie. rob reiner is trash. i try not to watch trash. well theres way worse trash out there now on tv all the time.

when my female fren was with her original boifran, i was never jealous or envious. however when she ended it with him and started dating this other guy, someone secretly………….THEN i started to get envious or jealous.

pay attention to the jealousy! it can be the first start of feelings.

then i should said whats the deal with your new boifran your not telling me about? i am surprised you would date someone so quickly. unless its just a casual rebound thing and not serious. then wanna try dating me too? we could bang and cuddle and make out and im a lot moar fun than this guy. but yeah kinda sleazy of you to have secs with two guys at once, women worth dating dont do that hahahaha.

and then she coulda said hurrr durrr i dunno it just sorta happened i dunno and i like him.

then i would been like baby you just dont know what you want right now. why dont i take you dinner and we can hang out and you can tell me all about everything and we can cuddle.

hehehe thats pretty manipulative isnt it. yes it is.

well as long as we were hanging out and talking. that would be the main thing.

besides she DID rush too fast into the rel with the new guy. fall in love with some guy she didnt even know. come on.

so talking and communicating would have done us no good. then i just wish she had liked me hahahahaha and wanted to spend time with me and cuddle and talk and make out and have luving relship secs hahahaha. oh god.

well i am not gonna contact her of course! i have my one month chip as of yesterday. bet she feels stupid. she thought i would be a creepy stalker! and i told her i wasnt! and indeed i wasnt! idiot slut. hahahaha.

but yeah i romanticized the good times. we had like 10 good times which was respectable, but i built them up so much! well really for a while every time i saw her was a good time. but we really didnt hang out enough ever. we didnt hang out as much as Good Friends should hang out. then i fell in luv with her and wanted to hang out more, and then she didnt want to hang out AT ALL. i wanted to hang out MORE, she wanted to hang out LESS. bad sign.

she was nicest to me when she was going out with the first boifren! which made me feel a little weird. like yeah i really lke you being nice to me, but… you want to cheat on your boifran with me? thats wrong, i know you know its wrong. but i wish i could help you because he should be treating you better. i could treat you better, just end it with him first.

then she ended it with him and started datng someone else!

then that ended and i really started pushing! and she got my signal and then started pulling away from me. no dating for me hahahaha.

anyway it is sad to think we were never as close as i thought we were. that something was always off.

well its true the timing was always a little off but i think she appreciated the Rel at one point. july 2014 was one of those high points.

anyway the real reason it ended was because she didnt have feelings for me. period. also she was not willing to talk about the relationship because she knew the talk was gonna be abotu my feelings, whic she didnt share, so it was OVER. nothing to talk about really.

i wish it were different hahahaa that she did have feelings. i would have been very good to her.

anyway i like the idea that when you enter a relationship with somebody, you accept certain RESPONSIBILITIES. for example, fidelity, loyalty, not cheating, and indeed putting them on a kinda pedestal, because they are special to you, and you gladly sacrifice other Romantic Opportunities.

but people dont want these RESPONSIBILITIES any more.

i hate responsibilities too, but in the case of a rel with someone i luv, the word would not have negative connotation. i would GLADLY take those responsibilities because i luv them and want to be with them and ONLY them.




yeah i mean if i can get employed again i will think more seriously about getting hookers. i fooking HATE strip clubs, i hate them. my friend always wants to go and i never want to go. i would much rather just pay a damn hooker. i would tell her to ease into it, and to be really NICE, maybe not to look at me hahaha dont u fookin look at me.

i have always strived for perfection because i have always had trouble with jobs and women and i am convinced you need to be PERFECT to get them. otherwise you always get rejected before getting the job/gurl. rejected during the interview process. just wasnt good enough.

yet companies hire people that arent perfect, and women select men that are FARRRRRR from perfect.

you already know the answer, what you need is a large amount of confidence!

i wonder if its easier to become a degenerate when you are lonely and dont know any women. probably. then its harder to view women as human beings, cuz all you see are the women in pornos acting like degenerate animals. this is why having female friends is always a benefit. it makes you more confident around women so you can bang the women you want, hahahaha. or to have the rels you want with the women you want. or just to view women as Human Beings and not soulless, degenerate, disgusting, animals, sociopaths, cvm dumpsters. just human beings worthy of respect.

unless all the women you know are disgusting dumb degenerates not worthy of respect. its possible. thats why some decent women choose not to have female friends, cuz women are too much drama.

then they just have a bunch of guy friends and that’s not a great scenario EITHER. either they are stringing along beta orbiters, or getting promiscuous with a bunch of fook buddies. either situation leads to degeneracy.


6 month rule. women should not be having secs before knowing a guy 6 months, before getting to know him, dating him exclusively, ideally exchanging the mutual “i luv u’s”, and then really TEST him, before spreading.

but in todays sick sad world, women meet and fook and briefly pseudodate and dump a guy all within 6 months,  and no one really gets to know one another, and as the process is repeated, people become uglier and less worth knowing!

hehehe getting into my woman-hating, humanity-hating phase now.

slept terribly last night. woke up at 4 am and that was about it. felt like a total failure at life, couldnt handle life, mind was racing manically, it was a bit scary. im not sure if i just had too much caffeine or WHAT. it was pretty bad. i was anticipating a bad day on friday because its gurls birthday and she will prob go out and have fun and get fooked by her friends and boifrans and make new frans and laugh and connect with people and get charming my charming magicians slinging bullshit, suck dicks and drink jzz, no big deal, just a fun casual thing you do during your twenties.

one of the things that brought us together back in the day is we were both shy and didnt really want to go out and meet new people or go out partying and drinking. she may be changing that now!

but yeah it was a terrible night of sleep, feel like garbage now. was expecting a bad day on fri but to get one right off the bat on thursday is not cool. maybe fri will even be better!

i dunno i was just not expecting to wake up and get that 4 am manic dread. mind racing. i dont know if its mania or what. shit i could have bipolar. is it MANIA or just ANXIETY?

i think it was probably just anxiety and maybe caffeine. i drank a lot of strong tea yesterday because i was like ohh yeah tea is great, it doesnt irritate my bowels.

or maybe it was i took a benadryl the night before, and slept ok then, so this was the blowback? this is why i take benadryl only once every 3 days.

basically i am experiencing the reality of shit that started last year, ten months ago, when our friendship started dying. i was desperate to fix it, but she wasnt. and at that moment it died, i hadnt really known it had died, but it dead. and now that much is obvious, unequivocal to me as well as her. i have a knowledge i did not have before. its over. it was over 10/11 months ago.

sure i deserved to be treated better. but life isnt fair! deal with it.

i dont really hate people. i went out to play trivia yesterday and sat at a table with 5 other people and they are all decent human beings. even the 1 woman hahahaha. we talk to people from other trivia teams and they are all decent people. there are decent people everywhere. even the single mom waitress with tattoos and fatherless children, she is a decent person just trying to support her child and working a horrible job to do so. i wish i could leave her a bigger tip! being a waitress in a kinda busy bar/grill is even worse than working in a fast paced Tech Support Call Center! and she 90% sure makes less!

i guess there was less ambiguity with the other women. we had a talk where they basically said ITS OVER. now i didnt truly accept that, and tried to “win them back” of course, and with w2 and 3 was able to manipulate them into making out with me again, briefly, got hopes up, i took that as a mixed signal, i didnt want to believe i was manipulating them, and they were doing this because they really wanted to, but you know how women can be manipulated into ANYTHING short term. secs, having babies, getting tattoos, doing things with long term consequences with no thought, etc.

well here the silence and no response is my unambiguous response!

but it might be 1% to have them say its over?

its definitely better to have them say SOMETHING rather than avoid you entirely. its not an explanation why, because nobody wants to hear “i dumped you because youre an insecure loser failure at life and not attractive and fat old and pathetic,” dont need to hear that “its not you its me” is JUST FINE, but something about the human decency of being told that its over, rather than just being avoided, abandoned, ghosted. that is a whole new WORLD of pain which i never knew before!

it just sucks because i was closer to the woman than i was to the women i actually “dated.” them, i met them, Wooed them, banged them or had some sensual physical stuff, enjoyed a few weeks of “honeymoon” period of dating, then it ended because they didnt want a serious rel like i did. all in the course of 3 months, beginning middle end.  and her i knew her for almost 3 YEARS total, and things were good between us for 2 years, where we built up actual knowing each other, and trust. none of these things did i have with gurls i “dated” in a more “conventional” way, i.e., made out with them for hours or banged them.

i have had some decent female friends but we drifted apart fairly naturally with no hard feelings. not like what happened here! plus the two years was a pretty long time, is close to Longest Friendship With A Woman Ever.

so when i call it A Long Term Relationship, that is no fooking lie. ending in the worst, most hurtful way possible.

i did a 3.2 mile walkjog, responded to an email from a male Work Acquaintance, different guy than my Mancrush Special Connection Male Friend, not as much of a gay connection with this guy, but we got along well, and I accepted him for his Autistic Self, which some people, especially women, have trouble Accepting The Autism.

he was a real smart guy and did not get the respect he deserved IMHO, so i tried to make up that deficit. i told him i resigned and that i had a “long term relationship with a coworker than ended badly and left me devastated” which is all very true. did not name names or even use pronouns. for all he knows it is a damn man. i trust him somewhat but not sure if i trust him enough to say Who It Is to him. besides its like 80% men 20% women at this point, not a lot of possible women to choose from. he did not come back though but got a new job, good for him. i know it is in tech support, but hopefully it is better than where we were. he said he was busy, but he’s always busy, he had 3 jobs and worked like 80 hours a week. he was not a sensitive shy autist in other words. he TCB.

but yeah thats why this is the worst heartbreak ever, it is such a perfect shitstorm:

  1. first time i ever got feelings for a female friend
  2. i was friends with her for a long time, possibly the longest of any woman ever for me

and thats why. it was a srs relationship and i had srsly deep feels. no joke. if it was just some slutty bitch that i had a whirlwind secs with, couple abortionz, i would be mad sure, in fact i would be more mad! but i would probably get over it quicker, feel less pain overall.

but yeah this was a BIG DEAL and it would be nice if it were a big deal for her too. its not like i fooked her, women can forget about that, thats not a big deal. but knowing someone for almost 3 years is something they cant ignore. and then that just gets ripped out. how can that not hurt.

it is very much like a phantom limb, you wake up and feel your leg tingling, then in 20 seconds realize its been chopped off forever.

did a 2.8 mile walkjog, 6 miles again for 2nd day in a row.

a huge part of Getting And Staying in Shape would be to continue this during the Winter. I am already losing weight and that is kewl but naturally the winter it all comes back. because i dont go to planet fatness during the winter.

i vow that i will never dump somebody in this HORRIFIC way i have been dumped.

i vow that i will be much more direct and fast in talking about Feelings with women. either in asking “do you have feelings for me” or “i have feelings for you.”

also tell female platonic friends that WARNING i can develop feelings for platonic female friends after 2 years, so even if everything seems cool right now, it might not always be that way.

but yeah waking up at 4 am is NOT COOL. my mind was racing and not working well and i was thinking, maybe my Meds are not working??? cuz i just started meds after being off them 100% for 1 or 2 months; and a new med; and then had a bunch of bad shit happen almost immed after starting the med.


aug 8

kind of a blah day, was tired last night, slept ok for a while, but have been too dead to either go walk or even write, took till 3 o clock. not thinking about her so much as the absence of her, the sinking in and acceptance that it is over. that my luv is over and not wanted. no one on the pedestal. still hoping she will “pls respond” hahahaha. nope of course not.

strange not much urge to write even. i mean its over, i will never be with her, she will always hate me and has shut me out forever, its over and done, i am at rock bottom, no where to go but up hahahahaha. yeah right.

funny really. if i had never known her i would have never gotten the job either. my recent well-paying job fell into my lap with the easiest interview ever, because of her, and we were both able to start jobs there at the same time. well the interview was easy because they just need pieces of meat with a pulse, because they Overhire and expect to lay off a ton of people who Arent Good Fit, ie dont learn how to adapt to the shitty conditions FAST enough, or they just very understandably say OH HELL NO and quit, or get hit in the first round of layoffs, or just stop showing up. its that kind of job. possibly the main reason i didnt quit at the beginning, was because i got moral support from her then, and also i wasnt in love with her then. it was not until fairly later that i made a strong connection with the young man there, and as the woman decreased giving me moral support because i was weird and scary, i was able to get good moral support from him. its that kind of job where you always need lots of moral support. well at least i did hahaha. i needed more than most. always hanging on by a thread.

it is amazing how fast everything fell apart though. sure there was a distancing which started months ago, however during that time she also made a few hopeful statements, mixed messages, like she didnt mean to ignore me so much, and missed me. of course she said that before she KNEW.

hehe i learned about myself that i think commnication is extremely important. and that some people dont always agree with that. some people will refuse to have communication with you! and possibly go on to choose to communicate with cheaters and abusers hahahahaha. they are worth talking to apparently lol.

well this should (hehehehe) eat at her conscience more than it eats at mine hahahaa. imagine that. a woman with a conscience. never met one of those hahahaha. the disappointing thing is that she seemed like she had a conscience. she probably even DOES, she just doesnt want to use it with ME. unlucky.

open relationships and jealousy. i think the idea is that you love your partner so much you give them complete freedom to explore all their feelings in the future.  i just dont know. that would prob be the situation where it works the best. and you dont bring in outside people for at least 2 or 3 years. rather than starting off with her dating 10 people hahahahahahaha. i remember telling woman 3 “oh sure of course we can date other people too!” because i was so desperate to have her back in any capacity, that i would share her with other men. well when there is no jealousy, you realize that you never OWN another person so they are never YOURS to “SHARE”. they are always free to do whatever you want and you can either accept it or get jealous and mad about it. sure go ahead fook other guys, let me PREP THE BULL while im at it hahahahaha.

kinda the way i see it is, if i’m willing to be a one woman man, “my” woman should be willing to be a one man woman! mutually agreed upon monogamy. well i guess you can have mutually agreed upon non monogamy. thats ok. but when NEVER works is when each person wants DIFFERENT things. one wants monogamy, the other wants non monogamy. that will absolutely never work.

i liked her because she seemed to like monogamy, she hated cheaters and cheating, i liked that about her. she seemed like a person who only ever did monogamy, and who herself never cheated. these are very attractive qualities for a woman for me IMHO.

im a damn man whos supposed to want to fook everything that moves, and i never wanted to date more than one woman at once. so hows a woman with a uterus who is supposed to be VERY SELECTIVE and CAUTIOUS, wanting more than one man at once?

i mean some people are just not very geared to monogamy. you can tell. others are however. i definitely am. and i like it when i can say a woman DEFINITELY seems monogamous. she did. i have met plenty of women (and men) who have not. in fact it might be 50 50.

yeah it just sucks to lose the connection we once had. we used to be pretty close and she said i was a good friend and it felt good to be close to a woman, hadn’t been that close to a woman in years, well emotionally speaking. where you trust each other and respect each other and like each other. very sad to have that die in the worst possible way.

then i imagined of course another worse case dream scenario: that, when asked about our Good Friendship, she would say: we were never that good of friends, that was something he added in his mind after the fact. we were inor level friends but nothing too serious. he never wanted to get too close. we were never really as close as he thought. hes just emotionally overreacting of course. its all in his crazy weird psycho mind. there was not really a lot there. there was a little, but not a lot, not nearly as much special stuff as he thought. if he thought that was special he obviously has never been in even a short term relationship.

see how you dissect everything in the worst possible way?

50% of people are monogamous, 50% of people are nonmonogamous. this is why 50% of marriages fail hahahaha. well you should be able to tell somewhat easily. i was able to tell pretty soon with her, even when we were just friends, i could tell right away that she didnt like cheaters and didnt want to cheat or date more than one person.

other people give a decidedly different vibe, of not taking sex or relationships seriously, always one foot out the door, revolving door of lovers, serial daters, then multiple lovers, etc. or you see the girl and think welp id bang her but she would be a HORRIBLE gurlfran or a HORRIBLE wife (but not necessarily a bad single mother! she’s not bad at taking care of her children, just at choosing the fathers of them.) anyway you can tell pretty easily.

but how can 50% of people be so damn different? is their any evolutionary basis? in fact evolution would probably say the MONOGAMOUS people are the weird ones. becuase most mammals are not monogamous, and alpha males have harems and many offspring, beta males die out with no offspring.

but monogamy has a benefit for HUMANS who have Higher Investment Children, with such a long infancy period.

but then a village or a harem of wives could also help raise children, not necess one man and one woman monogamously.

so my question is where does monogamy come from.

i honestly think its great. i wouldnt want to give it up. i have always wanted a monogamous companion. maybe it comes from Religion or Culture and its Patriarchal, Weird, Bad, and Rapey. i dont even care. its who i am, its what i want, i identify with monogamy in my identity.

it happens with guys too of course. the guys who are in monog rels, but are always commenting on other women, oh id bang the shit out of her, always looking at porno, going to strip clubs. but i guess sometimes this is a cover for other things, and they dont necessarily want to cheat on their wives. i say they should, just get it over with and live honestly.

it just sucks to get rejected by another monogamous person that you really like. and the sad thing is that she may well be on the path from being transformed from monogamous to nonmonogamous. the bad thing about nonmonogamous is that you treat people like fook meat, you cant really fall in luv with people, you take dicks without feeling and become dead inside and your soul dies bit by bit.

well what about the nonmonogamous people that arent like that. the ones who have loving open relationships. well good for them i guess.

i am just very sad about her fooking other guys, when i would have consider secs with her to be truly “making luv”, when you have secs with someone you have deep feelings for, it is truly different. nonmonogamous and normies dont understand this hahahahaha. that secs with someone you Luv is something else altogether. cuz theyve never had secs with someone they luved, because they have lost the ability to truly luv hahahaha. and so she can go wilfully choose luvless secs with random strangers, and she just treated me like a stranger weirdo creep rather than a human being she had known for years. its the seeing somebody do a complete 180 which is so mindfooking. like they have become a completely different person.

i just cannot have this happen again. ideally i would just go back and deal with her like a normal person would. but this is insane. i cant believe another guy got to be with her for years and bang her many times and cuddle with her for hours. and many other guys will do the same. and i would have luved her more than any of them lol. hahahaha. yep definitely at rock bottom now lol.


aug 1 2015

yep things have all gone wrong. who just quits their job because of woman related anxiety? pussy ass cucks, thats who! sissy omega virgins who will NEVER get a gurlfran!

i mean i didnt handle this with the greatest karma, but they handled it even worse imho. but i am jelly that they get to keep a cool head, get to keep their job, and dont look like the crazy psycho unstable party here. so, i am the bad guy here, even though they technically have the bad karma.

so, how do you handle this in an interview?

ok. say this: “I had to take care of some personal issues which necessitated a leave of absence.  This was agreed upon with good terms between myself and management. I had a personal issue with another employee which resulted in irreconcilable differences and compromised production in the working environment. I had  great performance and attendance and am very comfortable using management as references.”

cuz you gotta be positive positive positive.

hehe it is funny i am saying welp its best not to place blame, and even mentioning karma, and i want to blame them as having the bad karma, and give myself the moral high ground of good karma! it is obviously i do not fully grasp karma in my heart. i mean i understand it, but i clearly just dont Believe it apparently. because i want the good karma, and i want them to have the bad karma.

aug 4

well i have determined that EVEN WRITING about this will not do much if ANY good. the best way to erase the woman from my mind (is that even the ideal goal?) is not to write about it for a while at least. i mean damn.

i was very pushy to her because i really really really wanted to talk about the situation. she “punished” me for my “Crime” by refusing to talk to me whatsoever, eventually leading to me being the bad guy by pushing and needing too much. being too needy. not accepting the reality. until eventually i was desperately begging plz respond, and she wouldn’t. so that kinda drove me crazy.  could not deal with it any more.

and of course when you hurt someone and want forgiveness, you have to try to right the wrong. and really the only way i can right the wrong is to leave her completely alone. no contact. well she’s prob blocked my phone anyway, plus i have deleted her phone, so really “best” way i have to contact her is email, and she prob deleted the 2 “important” emails i sent her anyway.

but thing is i dont think im entirely in the wrong. sure i made mistakes but imho she made mistakes too. and i am butthurt about receiving no communication, just frozen out and blocked like i am some stalker abusive x boifran getting a restraining order. hehehehe at least those boifrans get some make out action hahahaha and the woman actually gives some tenderness to them before it all goes wrong.

but yeah its a really bad way for it to end, completely broke my heart, impossible to go back to insane job with the woman, AND have no contact with her, AND see her be all friendly to other people and freezing cold to me, when we used to be super friendly, which led me to believe that we would be able to face problems like mature adults.

and this isnt even a promiscuous modern woman brainwashed sheeple degenerate wh0re modern american poisoned woman! but a fairly low number nice gurl who seemed fairly moral! and they can still do you wrong! are all women REALLY like that? even the Nice ones? of course! hahahaha and that is why i am a broken man woman hater hahahaha. see this is how writing is bad.

there was a point where I was writing tons of draft texts to her, had 40 texts of things i wish i could say, some of them tender, some secsy, some whatever. all beta hahahaa. but it was at THAT TIME that I should have Blurted It Out, becuase it was obvious things were Building Up from being Bottled Up.

also there were always certain conversation topics that we always avoided, like our secs lives, dating, bla bla bla. i should have come right out and said “so, takin many cox? wanna take mine in there while you’re wh0rin in up?” hahahahaha. no only somewhat kidding, she was not wh0ring it up. but i should have been more pushy? about pushing the conversation into those private areas? but i was already too pushy. but better earlier than later? i guess. see this is an exmaple of you think too much about it, you WILL go crazy. overthinking, ruminating, and THIS IS WHAT WRITING LEADS TO.

so we were both wrong. she thinks i was more wrong, i think she was more wrong. i guess i’m not ENTITLED to anything, let alone an explanation, a discussion, or a god damn RESPONSE.

my beef is, we seemed to have a friendly and close enough “friendship” that I thought I was sort of entitled to A Response. i mean you just dont throw away several good years with no response. that is too much for me to handle. so i kept pushing for a response, therefore ensuring i would never get it.

so obviously the best thing i can do now is Let It Go, Pray for Acceptance, Move On; and writing about it is not gonna serve that purpose.

SO, I have trying to spend more time with family, and that is great. i mean they dont fully understand the depths of my luv, and how i can fall so deeply in luv with gurls that i never even really Dated, but they dont really need to understand.  i mean i dont quite understand it myself. i am just grateful to have their support, which is more than most losers have! you don’t need understanding, understanding is totally overrated and useless. you do need support however. support and luv, so i am grateful to have that.

but yeah it IS painful to have everything end this way. i have been watching these tv shows where people still do their jobs despite unbelievable stress, horrible secrets, like they have guilt for murdering people or they hold murderous grudges against their coworkers for years……and yet they are still able to perform their jobs for 40 hours a week. maybe get flustered once in a while. but not as much as I was! also i try to tell myself this is just tv not real life. and that i should not compare myself.

but what about the other people at the job who have fooked each other, had a falling out, and now dont talk to each other any more? theres a little bit of that! and certainly for there to be a falling out, means that one person got feelings! obviously when there is a rejection, theres a winner and a loser, and i was certainly the loser here, because i completely fell apart and had close to a breakdown, and now my life is in ruins, and i am struggling to rebuild it. the Winner goes on with life normally, or at least they are able to continue doing their job, and were less hurt by seeing me, than i was by seeing them.

fook. one of the most painful things is, i thought they cared about me more as a Human Being to be so cold to me. and now they think i am a crazy psychopath, so therefore i am the bad guy, and dont deserve to be treated like a human being. cuz even if she was never in luv with me, she was fairly compassionate and nice to me, and i liked that. i just wanted a little bit more of that, in working thru the ending of it all.

anyway i just try to Jog every day, spend time with family every day, clean room every day and throw shit out, not really write too much like i am doing now, because i THINK about the shit anyway, while i am out jogging, while i am trying to sleep, shit son, it sucks. also my confidence level, which is never high, is at an all time low, and of course you need confidence to Win Jobs. let alone women, but fook im not gonna be caring about women for a while, i have no desire to be with women, cuz she is the only woman i wanted to be with. i suppose i would bang beautiful 18 year olds presenting themselves to me with no effort or charisma or confidence or work on my end……..but thats obviously not gonna happen, and i dont really care about that.

yeah i just thought we were CLOSER than that. i thought the closeness had built up over several years of friendship. and maybe it did. but one person always has the power to take the closeness away, to shut it down. they just dont want to do it any more. they check out. and i guess she really started that process months ago, probably around the same time i developed feelings for her, which she probably picked up on, and that caused her to start to check out, to distance herself, pull away, reject me, push me away, me push her away, to stop being close.

but yeah it sucks to HAVE the closeness, and then to LOSE it. and it bothers me that gurls can have SEX with guys, and not even be close to them.

i mean its one thing for a beta fuccboi cuck to be in love with a gurl after 2 weeks, but that was not the case here. we were Platonic friends for almost 2 years, before my feelings finally converted, and that’s exactly when things started going bad. i mean i was still a loser then, but i was somehow much happier and more confident hahahahaha. not confident enough to be attractive to her hahahaha but still way better than i am now, at rock bottom!

and even when i was at that “peak”, i was not great: i was still a loser, still lazy, still low confidence, still couldn’t get a good job or a good woman hahahaha.

but yeah in the past she might have had compassion for me if i were having a difficult time like i am now. but now its nothing but coldness and anger and bitterness from her, wanting nothing to ever do with me again, not good enough to even talk to, etc. this is the worst case of “PLZ RESPOND” ever hahahaha.

see please respond is meant for omegas who fall in luv with some b1tch after 1 week. this case is totally different. we had closeness built up over the years. but i guess i VOIDED that the instant i got feelings. hehehe the exact reason why i wanted to Talk about the Feelings, was the exact reason she DIDNT want to talk about the feelings.

I wanted to get everything in the open and try to deal with an awkward, difficult situation. it only became more and more awkward and difficult. which increased my efforts to Talk About It, which increased her efforts to Avoid It Altogether and Cut Me Out. we had completely opposite approaches to dealing with the mutually difficult situation.

oh well life goes on. i just hate being abandoned and cut out because our history suggested that she simply had more regard for me than that. if i had a female friend who developed feelings for me after time, and wanted to talk about it, i would talk about it for hours. i would say sorry sorry sorry but i do not share your feelings, what can i do to make this easier for you, but i have to be honest and tell you this isnt gonna work out the way you want it to work out, thats painful, and i am sorry. i would have said something like that. i know we have been friends for a while so i appreciate you as a human being and i do not want to hurt you. that kind of shit.

but yeah writing too much about it already. i should be doing something productive like cleaning, writing this email to my old manager begging for my old job back, jogging. i cannot write like this too much about this situation now. it is hazardous to my health, much like that Relationship was, much like that Job was. and both happening Concurrently was just too much to handle for poor sensitive derpressed low confidence weak omega male me, hahahahaha.