MORE IMPOSTOR THAN DUNNING KRUGER

dec 5

WOW JUST WOW. heres a FIRST in mother fooking almost a year and a half, in fookin 16.5 almost 17 months to be exact, the famous first is that i went to a JOB today and earned MONAY. That much feelsgoodman but I also feel impostor syndrome, like i am a dumb weirdo and these people are giving me a chance but i am too slow on the uptake, im not taking that chance, i’m not ATTACKING it, and they will be disappointed in me.

the job itself seems SUPER LOW STRESS and everybody was chill and happy. I mean i have really hit the jackpot there. i should give some money to GOD right now for that. AND I know this woman that works there, i used to work with her 3+ years ago, she is a good person, saw her today.

there is technically a lot of stuff to learn but i didnt feel the PRESSURE to learn all this crazy shit FAST and EXPLAIN it to frustrated people who are gonna GRILL you on it. so its safe to say this job will be a LOT EASIER and a LOT LOWER STRESS than my previous job. which is awesome.

the people are nice and available for questions. HOLY SHIT.

on one hand i just want to survive one day at a time.

on the other hand, i want to ATTACK IT and SHOW INITIATIVE and PROVE MYSELF and EARN RESPECT.

i dont want to be a TIMID MILQUETOAST.

Like so one guy with a masters degree is helping the other guy with the masters degree with the software and I am watching and learning, and Im like these are successful people who are Good At Adulting, who have got masters degrees and Reaped The Benefits by having Good Career Jobs.

and here i am, a huge loser who cant get a job for 16 months sitting there trying to look smart and ask smart questions and act normal like i am a normie adult, when i am super far from being a normie adult.

i guess the thing is to “FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” and really i will have to do a lot less of that here.

just remind myself this is NORMAL the FIRST DAY OF A DAMN JOB.

its been a while since i had the FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB. it has been fookin THREE YEARS since that. well, 2.95 years hahaha.

transitions can be stressful even if the job is not stressful.

be mindful. let the thoughts float away. the judgments about muh self. just try to be nice to the people.

i mean i am ALWAYS nice but i am also Timid and I don’t want that.

also i can’t do much because there is a lot that is tied to my email/login stuff, and apparently the IT dept has a Policy where they cant get my account set up until after I have started my first day.  not before!

well i gave them 30 minutes of unpaid time today just to tie up some meeting stuff, like talking to the boss, etc.

the people here are very chill about getting there on time hahaha. i forgot about that. this workplace, ive worked at it before, from about 2009 to about 2013, and there were many many things i liked about it. and i am seeing that much of that, like the chill setting and the nice people, might carry over. and here i will have even LESS direct customer contact. but muh customers will be a generally higher level. masters degree people hehehehe.

yeah but there are some people in the dept that DONT have a masters degree.

i decided not to bring donuts on the VERY FIRST DAY becuase that would look TRYHARD, like i am DESPERATE to be liked and accepted. i can bring donuts another day. prob my last day of this week which is thursday.

i asked them about coffee. people like to drink coffee. great i said. i have some folgers at home i can bring in for everyone to use. there is a mr coffee for folgers and also a keurig machine. a goddam keurig. i guess its not THAT fancy. i mean im open to having a cup of keurig once in a while but i am a folgers man every day.

i wore dark blue dress slacks and a decent fitting Poplin/Oxford Dress Shirt, white with blue stripes. I looked pretty good. I made a half joke about how I could wear a tie if you think that would be good.

Wore black skechers shoes which are NICE but they are also too BIG. I shouldnt have bought them but this was over 3 years ago I bought these shoes. I actually wore them when i was working at this place the first time. jeez.  so this time i would go to WALMART and get some nice black shoes for reasonable price.

i mean i just gotta RELAX and be MINDFUL and not FREAK OUT. i mean theres NO REASON to freak out. everyone is NICE, they are not pushing weird shit on me, all this is OBVIOUSLY in my own head.

BATTLEMIND.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlemind

military toughness mental training. how to stay cool in COMBAT. I should really look into this. just learned this word today hehehe.

i am thinking of making like 10 hamburgers patties at once on a cookie sheet in the OVEN. then put the burgers in the freezer. then i can eat a Hamburger for a snack while i am at muh job, if i am not so nervous and spazz that I cannot even think of eating.

i mean it is a mental thing now. everyone there is nice, its just my own INSECURITY and Inferiority Complex that I’m fighting against.

and here i’ve been reading a ton of job related shit while at home. well i kinda wanted to. again just becoming more familiar with the field in general. i suppose it would be better ot study the exact stuff in particular, the software, well i sort of did.

should try to see if i can sync a google drive folder on the job computer. might be restricted tho. but i can get to the google drives website. cuz they are sharing google documents with my gmail address, ie they intentionally use google docs to share stuff. i mean why not.

shit i forgot to ask the boss about his phd program. and his kids. and his previous jobs. 99% sure he is a democrat and might be a progressive activist one. he is big on education and worked in Inner City schools and certainly believes that poor blacks kids are every bit as capable and smart as privileged huhwhyte kids. and he has had a successful career, plenty of respect, and a wife and 3 kids to encourage his Weltanschauung hahahaha. he clearly is doing things right!

credit Salty Seaman with his parody of Kyke cernovich’s “gorilla mindset” with “chimpanzee weltanschauung” hehehehe.

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/17908/whats-the-difference-between-weltanschauung-and-worldview

fooking intellectuals just jerking each other off hahahaha.  see this is one reason i dont want a masters degree. or especially a phd. its all mental masturbation .

anyway the boss is a good guy. i just wish he were a Rightist instead of probably a Leftist.

Well I think HIS boss is more of a rightist than a leftist hahaha. he already has his phd hahaha. but from a less prestigious skool. one of those classic working career adult completes phd in their spare time much like a MBA or something. i mean thats a good accomplishment too. the guy is obviously a hard worker, very ambitious, persistent, tough, BATTLEMIND, all good qualities. this guy is VERY masculine and somewhat intimidates me. shit he was also my boss’s boss 3-4 years ago so yeah I sorta know him. he is everybodys boss.

ambitious people dont like unambitious people and vice versa, sez famous negroball coach nick saban. for me this is hauntingly true. ive never been ambitious although i could have been successful if i were, cuz i used to have a good brain. but never had the work ethic. so people that DO have a strong work ethic, i worry about them looking DOWN on me as a Lazy Bum who doesnt Wanna Work Hard. Theyre not wrong, but I dont think that makes me a horrible person hhahahahahaha. but this guy is very ambitious and i dont want him to look down on me, cuz i respect him and what he’s done. thats a big part of it too, you dont want people YOU respect to disrespect YOU. you think someone is a good role model, and they think you are a lazy bum.

well he doesnt think i am a lazy bum. i hear he thought pretty highly of me when i interviewed with him once for a FT job in 2014. i guess i actually can sound sort of smart in interviews. then once i get the job i sound like an idiot hahahahaha.

http://workplace.stackexchange.com/questions/80549/does-using-documentation-as-a-developer-make-me-look-unprofessional

heh. this guy is worried that looking stuff up makes him look dumb to his coworkers, because he doesnt automatically know it. never mind asking them dumb questions!

thankfully the responses are largely no, what you are doing is smart and good.

dec 6

everyone at the job is nice and there is no pressure, but i am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be smart and impressive and funny and likeable and normie and charismatic and fun and smart and a team player and a value adder and asking smart questions not dumb questions.

everyone is also super accomplished, basically everyone i work with or talk to has a masterz degree or a phd but they dont have a big head about it either. now i want masters degree people to know i am every bit as smart as they are…..but i dont want to get a masters degree. they are ambitious and career oriented so they were very motived to get an advanced degree. i am not. but i cant say that here. like yeah im just as smart as you, i just didnt want to work as hard. but they arent such workaholics that they arent nice, or are weird. everybody is nice and has families and children. sometimes i want to say “you know i only make 11 dollars an hour and dont have a masters degree in this field right? i mean im not an idiot and my undergrad was better than your undergrad hahahahaha but then i went off the reservation and became a loser after that point.

but everyone is very understanding and theyre like yeah i know thats a lot of stuff to be thrown at you.

it KINDA is, but not any more than i had before, plus the important part is, i dont have to answer phones all day and fix things for users of this software and explain it, while having nothing but the Documentation to assist me in that chore, and experts were very unavailable. here, the experts are just chilling out and you are sitting in a room right next to them with the phone only ringing once an hour! its SUCH a different environment, 180, i mean its 14880000000000180 times BETTER and more POSITIVE!!!!!!

Just some person with a masters degree in tech, whos an expert in these tools, who can answer any question I or the users have, explain everything, who WELCOME feedback and complaints and feature requests, dont just bark im busy read the documentation. its INSANE. no WONDER these people have masters degrees and years of experience, to have such good chill career jobs.

Basically everyone is a damn instructor too. all these people are teaching college classes on the damn side. To the point where I have to laugh sheepishly and say, now i’ve never actually taught a class before, because all these people have taught classes! They are all teachers!!!!!!

so yeah. much more of the impostor sydrome than the dunning kruger effect hahahaha.

i have been studying quite a bit when i get home, was going a training module today on a major piece of software.

Used the coffee maker today and one of our clients said that is some good coffee, reminds me of the maxwell house we used to drink at home when i was young. I said thank you thats the first pot o coffee ive ever made here hahahaha today is my second day.

he was an afro-american man with an MBA, very intelligent and well dressed hahahahahaha.

if most of the Black Men you met were like THAT, you might very well not be a racist, but be a damn pro-black, anti-white, anti-racist!!!!! no he was all right, i had no beef with him, clearly a Talented Tenth and would be welcome in my white nation hahahaha.

only working 6 hours a day which is perfect…..then come home and do some studying, and now i should go for a powerwalk, and thinking of bed at 8pm, i mean only 2 days in, of only 6 hour shifts, and i am feeling a crunch on my time in other words.  but i guess thats to be expected. will take a LITTLE getting used to.  so dont get NERVOUS or FREAK OUT about it. just ACCEPT IT. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. DBT.

yassssssssssss rich spencer live at texas a&m, the skypes did not shut him down, its happening RIGHT NOW and there seems to be an enthusiastic crowd.

also some great uppity shitlibs. this is a Good School and is gonna get PhD level shitlibs and marxists.

yeah well spencer got into a phd program at duke, hahahaha.

shit i gotta go back and listen to this whole thing just to hear all the college leftists in detail and how he responds to them in detail. i missed the first hour of this.

but there needs to be a lot more of this, directly engaging and debating college shitlibs, uhhh because im not good at it hahahaha and really want to listen to someone who is confident and good at it.

TRS goys and univ shitlib marxist BLM together in the audience. NOICE. I gotta read more about this event. and the stuff that went on before, after, outside, nearby.

ebonic talking black female talking about whites doing genocide, youre building this country on the backs of black slaves.

i mean yeah you are gonna find the BEST (ie the worst, slimiest, most twisted) shitlibs at big, reputable univs like TAM, so yeah, more of this. lots more of this. YEAH BUDDY.

i wanna hear him and our side debate and argue with the other side, i dont hear it enough.

faggy philosophy student talking his love of logic and logicians from aristotle to russel, this is exactly what i want to hear, what i want spencer to BTFO, and which i cant handle, cuz i have no patience for hardcore logic hahahaha.

oh shit college “conservative” wanting to tell spencer he stands with the left to condemn spencers hateful rhetoric, how brave bantz spencer. RS is doing really well at this IMHO, needs to do this EVERY DAY. against even MORE hostile crowds.

http://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/101841991/richard-spencer-at-texas-am-university

http://archive.is/iOEGP

https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=news&q=richard%20spencer%20texas%20a%26m&src=refgoogle

http://www.dallasnews.com/news/texas/2016/12/06/protests-unity-event-texas-am-aim-drown-speech-alt-right-dallas-native-richard-spencer

2000 people PROTESTING him

whites with a phd in genetics asking how you determine white identity. god damn i hope that white guy is jooish. sadly he is probably an antiwhite white i fooking luv science! type shitlib. thankfully spencer is giving it right back to them, calling them fat idiots.

https://www.periscope.tv/w/1gqxvRrdNkqxB

i made muh first discord post to share this link i found in the 504um hahahahaha

http://time.com/4592947/students-protest-white-nationalist-richard-spencer-texas-am/?xid=tcoshare

time phagazine.

sheeeeit this is exciting. wish i could stay up late but i gotta get up early and act like a SMART PERSON. even with nice people in a slow environemtn, ideal people in an ideal setting, its still exhausting to put on the face and act like a smart capable normie for a paltry 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA how i survived at the other job. thank GOD this one is much better. mentally but not at all financially hahahaha.

 

DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED

oct 26

ok  done with interview for PT 15 an hour job. 1500 hours a year max. 24 to 32 hours depending on the department. 3 openings, 3 diff departments. one is def more customer oriented. hope they dont pick me for THAT one because i said i was good at dealing with difficult customers. yeeeesh.  yikes. oy vey. so just do a shitty job, quit, and never work for this org again hahahaha when it is DEF one of my Top Orgs To Work For. great benefits, close to home, unfireable, stable secure job, union.

talked to 3 people, including a handsome young man who i learned is about 3 or 4 years younger than me and he has a Controller position, because he Chose A Good Life with Hard Work, and has a BS in Accounting, an MBA with focus on Taxation, a CPA, so hence he’ll always have a GREAT job. why didnt I just Be Like Him. I joked that I did poorly on the accounting portion of the test, but that I was just rusty and I can brush up on my Accounting Fundamentals.

3 people in the room grilling me hahahahaha. no they were all nice enough. I got emails from all. i have def gotten better at that. just getting emails from EVERYONE in the room.

i need a full 20 ounce mug of strong coffee JUST TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING to be somewhere at 8:30 am hahahahaha.

meaning i pour the mug the night before, leave it on my table next to the bed, set alarm 15 to 20 minutes before i want to get up, then drink the coffee while laying in bed and watching weather and news, then pull self out of bed.

i would NOT want to still have to MAKE the coffee. I just want to REACH out of bed and GRAB a full mug of awesome room temperature coffee thats been sitting out all night. this truly does make it a lot easier to get up. i have been doing this for years. i dont regret it one bit. i RECOMMEND it to ANYBODY.

interview was at 9 am, i got there at like 8:15, i like getting their SUPER early and prepping in the car.

actual interview was less than 30 minutes. they didnt rush me PER SE, but i got the impression there were other people waiting. plus its a part time job hahahaha. i said As You Can Imagine, my ultimate goal is a FT job with this org, would this PT person have access to The Secret Internal FT Postings? yes yes they would.

anyway thats it for this week. did not get great sleep last night. i mean i can TOTALLY get used to getting up EARLY in the morning……but it HAS to be REGULAR. i need a ROUTINE. after a few days or a week of that, i will get used to going to bed earlier and getting up at 6am, 5am. shit i got up at 6 am today to get ready for being there at 9am.

so if i got this other job that starts at 8 am, id have to get up a FIVE am every day. well especially cuz that one is further away. a whopping 14 miles away. this place today is only 4 miles away. also i get up SUPER early, ive NEVER been a sleep in as late as possible and Rush To Work in the NIck of Time. downside is that eats up valuable sleeping time.

/r/relships. i cant stop reading it, its SO ridiculous. some of it is good, some of it is fooking awful.

it DOES NOT help that 80% of the shit is by women for women. i wish there was a relship sub for men by men. it makes a big difference. cuz women dont know what theyre talking about, ever. hahahahahaha. terrible judgment, terribly wrong. WRONG. hahahaha. WRONG.

heh. the other bad thing about getting up early is, you are now awake 16 hours a day and have to figure out how to eat only 1200 calories. you are Hungry More because you are too used to Sleeping through those hours when you are hungry. like its 11am and i am STARVING even though I had some Cereal around 7 am. 350 calories. shit. 390 calories cereal and milk.

degree in account, masters in taxation, cpa. this is fooking AWESOME. i hear the masters in tax is one of the better masters you can get. this guy formerly worked with a well known accounting firm for 5 years. kinda surprised he is working where he is now. youd think it would be beneath him.

now he did not go to a name school………but the school he went to is actually kinda well regarded for accounting. which is exactly what he did. why didnt i choose that life hahahahaha.

i just saw him and i was like WHOA this guys the CONTROLLER? hes a KID!!!!!!!!!!

I guess there is Financial Director who is one step above him though.

see the stupid women would say this si just fine, stop trying to control her, you jealous abuser.

not even seeing that essentially the male FWB rejected her because SHE wanted MORE, and now they’re still just friends and hang out and talk constantly.

DONT SUCK A GUYS DICK ON THE THRID DATE!!!!! THATS DEGENERATE!!!! NIHILISTIC!!!!!!!!!

that was a different one hehehe.

its not INTENTIONALLY nihilistic. i mean they think its about FUN and who knows this might turn out to be the one, but lets just have some spontaneous fun in the moment.

fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. all about fun. muh dick.

i mean yeah its HEDONISM not nihilism per se, but IMHO hedonism is pretty damn nihilistic at root. i mean women arent capable of understanding that, most men arent either. but all white men are capable. nto sure about white women. maybe some are capable. ive never met one hahahahaha. no thats patently false, i certainly have met decent, nonhedonistic women that werent all muh dick muh dick muh clit muh orgasms muh fun casual fwb secs.

jeff daniels looks like slavoj zizek in this movie hahahahahaha

i mean is zizek really THAT cool? probably not, folks, probably not. why the hell did i ever like him in the first place? because he spouted pseudointellectual crap. that at its core is JOOISH as hell: critical theory, frankfurt skool POISON. but he made getting a phd in philosophy seem really Sexy to a 21 year old.

SIXTY dollars to see nick cave? thats almost as bad as fifty dollars to see morrissey. but i like nick cave a lot better. but thank god i have already had the PRIVILEGE of seeing nick cave. not many people can say that hahahahaha. and it was an even more outstanding show than you would expect. i almost DONT want to see him again because that is a high standard to exceed. also i dont really like his new album. but i should see him just to see him right? but 60 bucks? damn.

imean if it were tom waits I totally would. or neil young, in a theater of this size, with crazy horse for SURE, and hopefully less than 60 bucks.

not many people on muh bucket list. maybe bob dylan but thats a big maybe.

well tom petty would be nice. yeah id go see him. but prob not for 60 bucks. or in a gay ass outdoor theater full of drunk trash.

who else. maybe some black metal. or metal in general. judas priest, iron maiden, never saw them, missed shows by both in the past year, too lazy. i mean i had the TIME!

yeah i would pay 80 bucks to see darkthrone hahaha. or varg vikernes. or muh buddy mikko.

anyway.

i might have been ok with casual secs if i had ever had any sort of FWB thing work out. for example, women2004 and 2005, they just wanted casual dating ie secs ie casual FUN. I was like NO i want a serious rel so they dumped me because they didnt WANT a serious rel.  BUT I could have gotten a LOT of secs out of them if I had just said lets keep it casual. so in hindsight i wish i had done that, just so i could have had a lot of secs with some qt young gurls. instead i had secs like 2 times. better than nothing but still.

i mean theyre not horrible people for wanting what they want and rejecting me because i wasnt that. well, beyond the fact that what they wanted is………….pretty degenerate. but then again, some of my wants are pretty degen too, like wanting to smoke MJ, or being open to casual secs. (but not actively seeking it out.)

but i am so inexperienced with secs, that i automatically confuse secs with feelings.

THIS ISNT REALLY “CONFUSION!” ITS THE NATURAL WAY! IT IS RIGHT AND JUST AND NORMAL!!! WHATS NOT NORMAL IS THE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO UNTANGLE THEM!!!!!

DO NOT SEPARATE WHAT THE LORD HAS BOUND TOGETHER!!! hahahaha.

or, DONT SEPARATE THINGS THAT SHOULDNT BE SEPARATED!!!!!!!!! if you prefer that.

young girls wanting casual sex, and old men wanting serious feelings secs.

SEX IS INHERENTLY INTIMATE, IT IS BAD TO TRY TO MAKE IT CASUAL. IT CANT BE CASUAL.

that ultimately is the END OF DISCUSSION.

so yeah me and these women had Incompatible Values.

AND they made an EFFORT to give me Common Courtesy and Respect when they Dumped me! they made an effort not to add insult to injury! so i appreciate that now.

DONT ADD INSULT TO INJURY!!!!!!!!

maybe i should become a Christian Counselor. there are tons of them. is it any easier than becoming a Non Religious Counselor? as far as degrees, licensing, etc.

i cant see it being any easier getting a license from the state, but i could be wrong.

if youre being charged with a heinous crime, WHY NOT perjure yourself rather than taking the 5th amendment hahahaha.  just watching law and order. i guess this show could inspire a young person to become a cop or a lawyer.

anyway i never stalked her. dont know why i have to PROVE this. i guess because the women of reddit would say that sending emails is STALKING.

yeah ok i DID send probably too many emails, but after a month of that, I was DONE. FINISHED. COMPLETELY.

I sent 4 emails in 1 month. 3 of them were pretty long. does that make me an evil stalker? no it just makes me sad and desperate and pathetic.

also if she had said stop sending me emails, i probably would have hahahahaha. or maybe just sent one more hahahaha.

the worst i did was crane my neck to try to look for her car in the parking lot of her workplace as i drove by the workplace which was ON the most direct route to my destination. and if i get that job then i wont go 2 miles out of my way just to NOT drive by that other place every day. i might even crane my neck again. but its not like im pulling into the parking lot and sitting there waiting for her!!!!! that WOULD be creepy!!! i dont WANT to be a creep! but also women think everything is creepy. plus i can totally understand why men do creepy things.

anyway. i guess i would like sluts more if i had more benefits from those sluts. but really womens Sexual Desire has led them away from boring old me. I am always at odds with Female Sexual Desire, Fighting it, trying to keep it from straying away from me, trying to hold on to it.

yeah i guess i am TRYING too hard. you should have to TRY this hard to “maintain somebodys interest” in you.

but yeah i am now done with my week o interviews and can start applying to jobs again hahahaha.

i mean TWO of these three jobs I would REALLY like. these are some strong jobs to get your hopes up for.

how have i never seen this dark haired woman cop on law and order. she is very attractive, would bang/10. but is she jooish? this is like early 2000s, she is partner with black male cop, hopefully doesnt mudshark with him, sam waterston is still the DA. i think this is just Straight Up Regular Law and Order, not SVU or any of that.

milena govich. obvious a yugo sort of name. potentially jooish. wiki says serbian (and scottish.) well yeah the NAME is SERBIAN, just like STEIN is GERMAN. thats not what Im ASKING hahahahahahahaha.

2006-7, det nina cassidy.

i just dont know. i think she is a goy but you never know with these sneaky J’s, ive been fooled before. i would casually bang her while waiting for the 23 and me results HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES I have a FILTER, I know what things you should and should not say around WOMEN. I wouldnt say ANYTHING I say on here around women.

but yeah i dont want to be a creep, or a niceguy, or an abuser, or the jealous type, or a controller, or any of that stuff. but maybe i AM ok with being a “woman hater” hahahaha i mean how can any woke man not be hahahaha.

maybe i like proving to them that i have good enough social skills so they cant slander me as creepy. i dont say or do inappropriate things, but my god do i judge the hell out of women when they are not around.

and i dont feel bad about judging women. i dont mind being called a Woman JUDGER!!!!!! i mean thats what i do, i judge women!!!!!!

but in the social world, I treat them with respect. EVEN IF THEY DONT DESERVE IT!!!!! i really wouldnt treat ANYONE with disrespect until after they treated ME with disrespect.

i mean everyone makes mistakes, even That Woman doesnt deserve to be hurt even though she hurt me, because she didnt have intent, and even if she DID, it would still be better karma for me to just Let It Go, and no i dont want her to get hurt really bad. i mean i would like her to learn a lesson. but she was just stupid and weak, i was stupid and weak, and ultimately i was the one who got hurt more, a lot more.

now i mean feel different about someone who did something MORE hostile and intentional, like cheating or accusing me of abuse or something. totally lying and betraying me.

i dont do sketchy or bad shit with women. i dont DO anything really immoral. the most immoral i get is have JUDGEY THOUGHTS. i dont have thoughts about hurting or abusing or mistreating women. I just have thoughts of jdugement and disgust and contempt. but i dont ACT on these thoughts! I try not to do ANY immoral actions! because MORALITY is VERY VERY IMPORTANT to me!!!!!!!

1200 CALORIE DIET!!!!!

i guarantee you. if you eat only 1200 calories a day, you WILL lose weight even without exercise.

you will also be hungry at all times.

well some say 1200 for women, 1800 for men. that 1200 is the absolutely healthy minimum for WOMEN, who need less calories than men anyway.

so maybe 1200 is not even Healthy For Me. well, moot point now that I blew right by it by 150 calories and also today is muh cheat day too and i will be eating again later!

 

 

incel neet virgin 26 year old brother is resentful of his 20 year old NORMIE brother who can get a GF hehehehe. reddit shames the incel neet as a creepy woman hater, anyone who “unironically uses the word NORMIE after high school” is one of these hahaha.

now i dont MIND being friends with women like this guy seems to……but im not sure having Women Friends makes you any more likely to make a woman want to Be With you in a secsy way. you just get the friendzone hahahahahahahahaha. you can relate to women as human beings to your hearts content….in the friendzone hahahaha.  but yeah i guess i’ll admit that when you have a woman friend, it DOES make them seem more human, less alien, more knowable. but it makes all the more THIRSTY for a gf too. because youre like well now i actually KNOW a woman, this isnt so bad! but now I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a GF! I had forgotten what its like to even be NEAR a woman and to have a woman show ANY INTEREST in me! it feels good and i want what the NORMIES have!

anyway i am not as bad as that guys brother. i can control myself around women at least and dont do anything really creepy. plus i had secs once 12 years ago with the help of alcohol hahahahahahaha.

the first time he saw a tit? hasnt he ever watched jooish porn? not that i recommend it.

does he have a JOB? is he EMPLOYED? surprised this was never mentioned by the commenters. probably not, hes prob a damn neet.

i mean just like having a gf or at least a fwb is the litmus test of a NORMIE, so is having an at least average job. making at least 13 bucks an hour.

well, we did have some incels making 15 an hour at my last job hahahaha.

reddit. a bunch of damn degenerate nonvirgins SHAMING the morally superior virgins and calling them creepy and disturbed and elliott rodger, just because they dont fook like a bunch of NEGROES hahahahahaha.

these “social nerds” are an interesting bunch, i knew a lot in university. they were “weird” and “anti establishment” and “non conformist” but they were FAR from social outcasts, and had a ton of friends, and GF’s, sex experience, Relship experience, all from a young age, and turned out being successful normies with wives and children hahahahahaha.

NORMIES.

DIRTY NONVIRGIN NORMIES hahahahahaha.

PIGS, DOGS, DISGUSTING ANIMALS hahahahahahahaha.

” He’ll never figure out how to get a girlfriend until he starts treating women like people rather than games that you have to win to get romance and sex. ”  hehehehe but……….its that accurate? except they are not as fun or easy as a game. its a frustrating sick game.

well not even. the “game”, as designed by god/nature, its not sick. its sensible, and technically fair. it’s not pretty though. and it REALLY sucks to be on the losing end. and it REALLY sucks when Women Deny Their Privilege.

i guess thats just like ME denying WHITE privilege and MALE privilege, huh????????????????????

so……..if i can acknowledge that privilege exists, specifically FEMALE privilege…………….

……….does it not follow that its POSSIBLE that OTHER kinds of privilege exist?

and that I might benefit from it?

but, like women, I spit in its face and deny it?

so i dislike women who do the same thing I am doing?

yeah but i believe women DO have certain advantages/privileges in the mating game. i mean SOME men have their own privileges here….but not most men.

also, my idea of Female Privilege in the Mating Game comes from a pretty Traditionalist, Reactionary, Alt Right, Rightist, NON MARXIST way of thinking.

Ideas about White Privilege and Male Privilege, that all comes from MARXIST BULLSHIT.

they are all saying what a horrifying, dark, awful place the incel sub is. i dont doubt that its DARK, and i dont want to link to it or even READ it because Im sure its very negative……..but dont say these are awful people. youd be this way too if you were a hugless virgin neet incel who CANT EVEN GET IN THE FRIENDZONE hahahahaha.

note: i never use the word friendzone seriously. its impossible for me to “get put in” the friendzone. i will just say, baby, i dont want to be just friends, lets take a time out here. or thats what i would say if they agreed to talk to me hahahaha.

im perfectly fine being friends with women IF I dont want anything more. AND IF THEY dont want anything more. not that ive ever experienced that. but god damn. i know women are HUMANS.

just like negros and joos and mudslims are humans too, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no, white women rank above all of those, hahahahahahaha.

but yeah its just heartbreaking when a woman you like would rather hang out with CHEATERS, DRUG ADDICTS, DRUNKS, DEADBEATS, ABUSERS, and NEGROES, rather than hang out with YOU.

ive certainly linked this album before. a few posts ago. it def has its place. right now i am drawing attention to 3:34, “summer of the diabolical holocaust”. “natassja in eternal sleep” is such a strong, timeless opener, that i sometimes forget the next song is just as strong.

again, good headphones and ideally good speakers, played LOUD, for maximum effect, considering the ridiculous production. note the insane distorted bass sound and drum sound, esp the floor tom. ridiculous celtic frost riff in the middle here, with ridiculous “solo” on top of it.

the guitar tone kinda sucks on this album….kind of. but i wouldnt change it either!

and TED’s vokills are possibly his best ever. truly literally a man possessed here.

i would say turn it up LOUD and DEFINITELY smoke a huge MJ to this one, get nice and blazed. oh god. wish i could.

and then cuddle up with nice waifu while doing that.

well, for that, we would just listen to one song, while I Mansplained the significance of the music. listening to the whole album with a grill would be pretty weird. metal grills are huge immoral sluts anyway. degen nihilists hahaha.

hard to believe they were only like 21 when doing this album. to make an album that you just appreciate more and more as you get older. into your Mid Thirties.

I think i was familiar with this album when I was 21, or at least close to it. I liked it……but I didnt GET it as much as I do now.

like i certainly dont like other albums LIKE this.

anyway yeah great album for the Turning Of Seasons, like when its really becoming Fall/Autumn. definitely some magic in this album.

but yeah you DO need to listen to it LOUD. it Literally sounds better that way.

it is amazing how much Variation and Diversity there is in darkthrone. UAFM and TH are both super freezing cold black metal albums, but they sound fairly different. i guess a big thing is that the tempo and rhythm NEVER change on TH, and on other DT albums, they change in every song.

yeah theres a damn good reason DT is a such a NAME.

heh these reddit nonvirgin normies shaming the virgins. there answer for everything is “DUDE NEEDS HELP.” WOW. JUST…..I CANT EVEN. YASSSS. HE NEEDS THERAPY. THERAPY PROBABLY WOULDNT EVEN HELP HIM. HE NEEDS TO KEEP TRYING THERAPISTS TILL HE FIND SOMEONE WHO WORKS. HIS ONLY CHANCE IS A LIFE OF THERAPY IF HE EVER WANTS A GF……….AND EVEN THEN IT PROB WONT WORK. CUZ HES TOO TOXIC AND NEGATIVE AND WEIRD AND CREEPY AND RAPEY AND JUDGEY. EW. UGH. GROSS. NOT OK. HE NEEDS A LOT OF HELP.

Yeah i agree he probably does need some help but i dont think its hopeless. these are exactly the type of guys i would want to help. with my unlicensed christian therapy group. we would go out and grab women by the pvssy and call them fat pigs, slobs, dogs, and disgusting animals. hahahahahahahahaha.

hey might as well listen to TH right after UAFM. now theres an experience you should be grateful for.

heh. I remember I bought TH on CD and that was one of muh first serious black metal albums. that, burzum debut, emperor “nightside eclipse”, burzum HLTO, DT panzerfaust. i picked some good ones for babbys first black metal albums eh? but i remember seeing phil anselmo in a pantera picture wearing a DT TH t shirt and i was like whoa that looks hardcore hahahaha what does that logo even say???

and then i bought the cd and mainly liked the first song and was like why isnt the rest of the album as good, i mean its a really simple formula.

but then it really grows on you hahahaha. and then it becomes one of your desert island best black metal albums of all time.

when i was a young angry virgin, i might have thought DT understood my hateful, sorrowful feels hahahaha. when really they were a bunch of HEDONISTIC, DEGEN NORMIE NONVIRGINS, smoking MJ and partying and getting with SLUTS. more like NORMIETHRONE amirite????

anyway, yeah i guess if all you listen to is TH, its easy to think DT is a fairly “ATMOSPHERIC” BM band, but they really arent hahaha. they are more of celtic frost beer chugging normies.

but yeah its timeless, beautiful stuff you will CHERISH the rest of your life. when i get married to my pure virgin white waifu, I will play nothing but BLACK METAL at the reception hahahaha. totally make it all about me and everyone else can suck my dick, im gonna play like 8 hours of straight black metal at my wedding hahahahaha.

no but i mean i have to play at least one black metal song. but what the hell would it be? i mean it would be burzum or darkthrone. maybe I should just play TWO black metal songs.  transilvanian hunger and jesus dod. hahaha.

well i was invited to a social thing tomorrow and i decided to Just Say Yes because this is EXACTLY the type of thing I should say YES to, so i did. its exactly because i dont go to things, that i dont get invited to things any more….so kinda want to break that pattern.

oct 27

ive always liked sitting down and writing about muh self and muh feels, total narcissist, but unfort i think this has helped CAUSE some of my issues, because i always take the wrong lesson, or get in too negative of an attitude. the women thing is the perfect example. writing here i sound like incel virgin maniac r9k elliot rodger, but i am not really like that in real life!!!! at worst i am socially anxious and shy, but never super creepy or weird! i am even nice and nonjudgmental to total trashy sluts, i just see them as people who have had hard, unlucky lives, had their good noble nature nurtured out of them, its not their faultttttttttttt. basically i will treat people well until they treat me badly. even if they are a dirty slut. until them being a dirty slut directly hurts ME, I will be nice to them.

(soundcloud giving errors, deleted link. google fenriz radio soundcloud.)

oh here is fenriz’s radio show, archive of many of them, actually doesnt sound horrible hahahahaha. i mean i am kinda jealous of his ability to enjoy new music at 45 years of age, my mind is pretty much closed to all that. i still want him to have a family. find a decent wife and have some kids. shit he can still listen to metal. he talks about listening to metal 16 hours a day or something. im not even AWAKE 16 hours a day! now a family man needs to be awake 23 hours a day working and providing and protecting and securing, but working fathers can still have interests and hobbies, he could still listen to his precious metal hahahahaha.

well i do like documentaries and here is one on peste noire. who i like because famine is a fairly right wing douchebag who hates foreigners. and i like a couple of his songs. and i want to determine how right wing and nationalist he really is. of course, i think he needs to stop drinking and living a degen lifestyle, be more like varg!!!

look at this handsome white man, in beautiful nature. this is what we SHOULD think of when we think of FRANCE…..not a jooified degenerate brown hellhole that france is turning into. famine does drink too much and should stop drinking and have children tho. although i thought it was hilarious that he made an obnoxious fart joke hahahaha. showing what he thinks of these media k1kes hahahaha. well really i dont know anything about the makers of this film.

i know weev gets lots of demand from the k1k3 media for interviews, but he straight up tells them, fook off and die k1k3, im not giving you an interview unless you pay me a lot of money, you can look up stuff ive said on the internet. PAY ME if you want to talk to me. and my rate is not cheap. im taking my pound of flesh back from you vampires. this is a great way to be. so i hope the people that made this doc were either not corrupt “skypes”, or they paid famine decent money to talk to them. i do believe famine, degen farting drinker he may be, but i think he still has artistic integrity hahahaha.

 

 

new vidya where varg talks about fenriz. he says a lot of good things about fenriz, that he is smart, funny, charming, easy to like, friendly. he says he is one of the smartest most intelligent people he met back in the day. and also that he is very honorable and ethical and tries to do the right thing and be an honorable man. but that his tragic flaw is that he drinks too much and this might compromise him.

now varg is talking about fenriz 25 years ago. but as a 20 year old man, whenever young varg met young fenriz, fenriz was always drinking beer and getting drunk. so i can totally relate with that. whenever I was socializing at around that age, i was drinking.

varg says fenriz is a good man but he hopes he has cut down on the drinking. i would agree because drinking too much is never good. and if you have ever seen videos of fenriz, he is often drinking in them. so yeah i hope he is not a Full Blown Alcoholic. i dont think he is because uhhhh he would have ruined his life by now. lost his job at the post office, stopped doing albums, in and out of rehab or jail, plus he looks fairly healthy.

so yeah i think hes got it under control but i cant help agree with varg that alcohol clouds your judgement.

i am kinda in between varg and fenriz then! i started out more fenrizy and am becoming more vargy. but yeah i always got the impression that fenriz was a decent True Blue Cobber sort of guy, and I  am glad to hear Varg saying so, as Varg seems to be the same way. Morality Matters.

I know fenriz was in a deep depression for a few years…..did he drink more during that time? how did he come out of it? how does he keep from going back? what kind of women and people does he hang out with? he seems pretty social. how much does he really drink? why did his marriage end? was that related to his depression?

these are the important questions to me hahahahaha.

but yeah i cant help but feel he is capable of even more, that he IS a truly smart and moral man, and it would be GREAT if he stepped up the same way varg has, get a nice white wife and have 6 white children, but he just hasn’t made that Leap into Political, Religious, and Metaphysical Thinking. And I know that Drinking can hold you back from doing that. So I cant help but want to have fenriz stop drinking for like a year, cold turkey, and see what changes happen. I think he is totally CAPABLE of doing this.

interesting that varg is making this video though. why not just contact fenriz and be like hey ole buddy lets hang out and get caught up.

but i dont think varg and fenriz were super besties either. but fenriz was probably the black metal guy varg liked the most. they definitely like each other hahaha. and it sounds like culto did not hang out much because he didnt like the people. varg didnt much like the people. fenriz is a good guy who got along with everyone.

so who WERE vargs friends? people not into black metal. what were these people like? whats vargs rel like with HIS father and his brother?

so many questions hahahaha.

anyway i think a varg fenriz meeting now would be very productive for them both. and i think varg could push fenriz to realize his full potential. this is the fanfic movie I would make hahahahaha.

like my fanfic sequel to the big lebowski that redeems the classic characters into nondegenerates hahaha.

or my fanfic sequel to king of the hill, 10+ years later, where bobby is like 30 years old in Current Year.

hahahahahahahahahaha.

so i am tempted to post a comment on vargs video to encourage him to Reach Out to Fenriz.

thing is, Fenriz is totally in his Comfort Zone. he’s happy doing what he’s doing.

i dunno. i just like proselytizing Traditional Family Values to All White People. I see a good white man who i think would be a good father, and I think it’s a SHAME that he DOESNT Leave a Legacy. And I’m not talking about timeless music or even The Fame Of A Dead Man’s Deeds!

cattle may die, Kinsmen may die, sure, but just as fame of dead mens deeds don’t die, so do kinsmens kinsmens kinsmens kin dont die hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

varg with his 6000000 children could speak to this better than I could. but see i am sold on this way of life way more than i am on fenriz’s. and i mean that in the nicest possible way to fenriz. im not judging him as a Degen Nihilist Slut Negro Mentality.

hey maybe fenriz thinks he would be a bad father.

i mean shit i KNOW i would be a terrible father because i cant even take care of MYSELF. but i might have POTENTIAL to BECOME good father material, i think all white men do. and i think fenriz has enough money. i am SURE many of his colleagues at the post office have children! also i would totally support him doing one sell out show of darkthrone to make money for his family!

i mean nocturno CULTO has children for gods sakes. mr hateful culto who doesnt like anybody managed to get woma/en to birth two children for him.

now i do think that deadbeat fathers are like that simply because they had children when they WERENT READY. but i do believe that ALL white men are capable of becoming ready to be good fathers. that these deadbeat fathers could have one day been good fathers if they just KEPT IT IN THEIR PANTS and didnt bang sluts without a rubber when they were too young to handle a kid. typcal N behavior hahahaha.

like i WOULD LIKE to be a good father someday, but if i had a child right now with some white trash slut, i would run away like a coward. i cant take care of a child!

and this is totally understandable at 20…..much less understandable at 30.

a LOT is SUPPOSED to happen between 20 and 30. but for me it really DIDNT. because YOU are supposed to MAKE that stuff happen with a LOT of Hard Work, effort, energy, and agency! it doesnt just HAPPEN on its own!

i didnt realize that until i was 30 hahahaha. well ok, maybe 26 hahahaha. well, i always KNEW it but ran away from that responsibility by drinking until i was 26.  sheeeeeeeit kinda wish i had gotten Busted a few years earlier! 22, 23, that would have been great year to stop drinking hehee.

and yet I STILL want to do MJ!!! it clouds your mind in a diff way than alcohol…….but it definitely clouds your mind! impairs your judgment in all things!

bbbbbbut my mind is clouded ANYWAY with hate and despair and fear and worry and anxiety and bad negative attitude and feels and r9k and incel and foreveralone and entitlement and elliot rodger and the red pill and niceguytm and K all normies and all that hahaha. at least being clouded with MJ or alcohol is a step up in terms of being more pleasant and positive!

ayo hol up hol up. so ALCOHOL would be POSITIVE?

MJ would be POSITIVE but ALCOHOL isn’t?

everythings a damn slippery slope hahaha.

well honestly i have no or very little desire to drink alcohol, it just doesnt APPEAL to me.

MJ on the other hand, APPEALS to me like none other.

what would fenriz do? drink beer, PROBABLY smoke some MJ, listen to metal, and have fun.

what would varg do? drink non-alcoholic beer, work on his russian lada car, make videos with not-his-best ambient music in the background hahahahahaha and proudly parade his beautiful children and live out the 14 words. and judge degenerates as degenerate. i mean yeah thats really appealing too!

but he’s not a neet virgin see! he’s a PRINCIPLED MAN, an honorable strong alpha man, with nice wife and a HORDE of beautiful blond blue eyed aryan children!!!!!!! he gets to BE autistic and live in isolation……with his young wife and 6 kids!!!!!!!! BIG difference between that and a neet basement dweller virgin! varg has had secs 6 times hahahahahahaha.

well these men are entitled to their privacy. im actually shocked that varg has Opened Himself Up so much to the world. I’m happy, because he sets a GREAT example, but he’s compromising his own privacy in a way I thought he never would.

maybe i should attempt to get an interview with FENRIZ, because he supposedly does hundreds of interviews whenever they do a new album. so my interview with fenriz will include all those questions about his personal life: his ex wife the artist, his GF’s, his FWB’s, his normie friends, his job, his family, his drinking, what he thinks about MJ, why doesnt culto scream like he used to, why is there one classic song on their new album but the rest is kinda meh, why dont you want kids, here’s why you should have kids, here’s why you should should go and hang out with varg and his family for a week, heres why you should quit drinking for a year and just see what happens, here’s why you need to pass on your damn genes and not just your music. you are SO CLOSE. have a rea come to jesus talk with him.

you can still do your radio show. i might even start listening to your radio show. you can still listen to metal. wouldnt you like a family to share your metal with hahahahaha.

is it he cant find a good woman? i doubt that. or does he just prefer sluts because muh dick? well he needs to get out of that muh dick mindset!

whats better, to be a muh dick white negro, or a hateful neet incel elliott rodger KV who cant even pull SLUTS?????

its honestly worst to be the neet virgin! then youre WORSE THAN A NEGRO!!!!! ME!!!! Thats where I am right now!

the PRINCIPLED, MORAL white man is worse than a degen muh dick negro, “simply” because this particular principled moral white man is also a neet loser virgin!!!!!!!! that is muh trump card!

so when fenriz was 21 he was still working at the post office (prob full time) and would get off his shift, buy a case of beer, and come over and hang out at euronymous’s shop and drink the beer, according to varg. i mean not that thats not a credible story!

basically, fenriz was able to live the life of a 21 year old normie: FT job like an adult, but also partying, socializing, drinking, having friends, probably GF’s, AND being in a band and making tons of music. classic, timeless music that will never die. while also being Sorta Immature and Drinking a Little Too Much, like a 21 year old man in his Party Phase.

so yeah i cant relate to that AT ALL, because I have so little experience in successfully working a FT job or being a normie. when he drank he did it right, when i drank i did it wrong. basically these were NORMIES!!!!!!

that is a weird thought, that the kvlt black metal guys i like are just more damn NORMIES. NORMIES GONNA NORM.

i am triggering the shit out of leftist reddist phaggots, who hate the term normies, cuz only niceguy broken men entitled incel r9k neets use the word. shit yeah.

and VARG is essentially a normie because he was hanging out with GRILLS from a proper age.

fenriz got grills, varg got grills, shit even euronymous probably got slutty grills hahahahaha.

you know who didnt get grills? probably dead. well, maybe he got one grill, got his heart broke, then K’d himself hahahaha. [pure speculation]

i hear that dead was a truly weird, lonely soul, not of this world…….and also that he was  a real nice sweet sensitive guy. im sure it was closer to the latter.  and then of course you try to add the grim early 90s norwegian black metal SPIN to that, and he becomes a twisted, dark, cold, lonely, hateful soul, one with death hahahaha.

maybe fenriz should have helped him learn Game to Game those white sluts hahahaha. or he could have gotten euronymous’s sloppy seconds.

but thats the thing about neet virgins…..THEY (we) CANT EVEN PULL DIRTY SLOPPY SECONDS SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!

so that is really a confidence killer!!!!!! the worst, easiest women dont even want us for a roll in the hay!

i mean i dont really care about “the scene”……………….but I do really like burzum and darkthrone, who were huge figures in “the scene”, so there you go. plus they are all interesting PEOPLE with interesting STORIES. and to top it all off, they made actually interesting music. and they continue to be interesting people 25 years later…..even if their music is less interesting.

so yeah. varg fenriz reunion nao.

rej email from 17 an hour county clerical job. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. i mean 17 dollars, 34k, thats WITHIN REACH for me a lot more than a goddam 40k job. so a rejection from a 34k job actually stings MORE than a rej from a 40k job.

at least for a 24k job, i could convince myself that they rej me because I was “overqualified.”

not so much for a 34k job. thats right in that sweet spot. i mean my glassdoor market value is 35k! the FEDGOV technically COULD pay me 34k as well!

really, I shouldnt apply for jobs MORE than 34k, and I honestly try NOT to……….

but most jobs are far above or far below 34k!!!!!!!!

slow genocide of the Middle Class hahahaha. hollowing out of the middle. the 34k’ers.

i mean i just want to make the average wage of my state/region/area, which is AROUND 13 dollars an hour, 26k a year. anything more is a BLESSING.

also, why do companies do Massive Layoffs, when they could just do Massive Pay Cuts instead? then people could keep their jobs at least, and there will absolutely be unhappy people who will quit voluntary. more cost savings there goy.  so yeah i dont understand why companies will just cut jobs entirely when they COULD just cut wages.

or CANT they. because the numbers dont crunch out that way.  you dont save enough MONEY by just cutting WAGES, you HAVE to cut JOBS if you want to save enough MONEY.

hmm apparently you cant buy gift cards online at gift card granny where you can save 5% or more off the face value. not a bad deal. like get a 25 dollar gift card for 23 dollars. not bad if you are looking to buy some gift cards……which i am!

maybe fenriz doesnt WANT to have kids ok? maybe hes happy with his life just the way it is!!!!

i mean not everyone WANTS to have kids!

yeah but a lot of people DO.

and the white race is kind of at a precarious position right now. so that if you care about the white race AT ALL (and I most certainly DO!!!!) then its kinda your DUTY to have kids. ESPECIALLY if you are of means.

and if you are NOT of means?

then GET of means ASAP mother fooker, because we are having a RACE WAR!!!!!!!!!!

otto skorzeny did not move to the US and was not your GF’s grandfather bro! he moved to spain and or ireland and even worked with the mossad for a bit.

listen to this good goy. 6 million jooz murdered by the n4z15 in the h010c4u5t. sounds like a wacky conspiracy theory tinfoil hat guy hahahahaha.

travel channel show. that old man you met was NOT otto skorzeny. how could you believe he was.

so yeah doing fun social thing today, which is not something i usually do, which is a step in the right direction for me. just be nice and smile and say thank you. baby steps. dont even worry about keeping up with Witty Banter. to me its always like a competition, who can do the wittiest banter, but thats not REALLY what it is, its just people who enjoy doing witty banter with each other and it comes very easily and naturally. only for me is it such a challenging competition! they dont care that im not the wittiest!

for a brief window of time, when i was about 21 or 22, i was kinda a social drunk fenriz character. i hung out a lot, also drank a lot, and had some small measure of charisma or celebrity. a lot of it was a bad reputation as a drunken wildman who said ridiculous things. NOT the type of thing I want to be remembered for. yet it was interesting having some amount of “popularity”.  probably the closest i got to being a normie. was able to parlay it into casual flings with two casual gurls. then my 15 minutes of fame were OVER.  and IMHO I wasted it drinking and being ridiculous and I was largely misunderstood. i would rather be remembered as a Nice, Moral, Honorable Man, than some Salty Loose Cannon Drunk Crank.

 

THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN

HOW is this the life I’ve chosen hahahahahaha.

oct 25

sheeeeeeeeeeeit.  interview this afternoon with banking company, easy back office super entry level high school job hahahaha.  but i cant get a sweet 35k Recent Graduates or Pathways job with FEDGOV, so as an Old Graduate, Im forced to settle for a 25k nongraduate job hahahahaha. THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN. THIS IS THE HAND IVE BEEN DEALT. I CHOSE THIS hahahaha.

well thats contradictory: you dont CHOOSE the hand you get DEALT by the dealer. its all chance. fate.

yeah but i made a bunch of poor decisions and mistakes that led me to where i am today, so, indeed, THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN.

I was in a C++ coding class with this guy who always used to say that. he was prob severely depressed, maybe 45 years old, working FT i think with mainframes, and i had no idea why he was in the class. he sounded like he had been working with code for years. i guess he didnt know c++, and he also wanted to chip away at his degree so he could get a better job. at age 50. even though he was already working like 60 hours a week in a tech job. he would chain smoke during the break in the 3 hour class and say THIS IS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN and sigh despairing and demoralizingly.  hahahahahahaha. great guy.

maybe he was a virgin or a woman hater too! hahaha. or a Creepy, Abusive, Controlling, Clingy, Needy, Immature, Toxic, Narcissistic Bad Man.

the obvious response is: HOW IS THIS THE LIFE IVE CHOSEN??!?!?!?! I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS!!!! DID I?!?!?!?! I DONT REMEMBER CHOOSING THIS!!!! NOBODY ASKED ME! NOBODY TOLD ME!!! I DIDNT KNOW!!!!!

IGNORANCE OF THE LAW IS NO EXCUSE. THIS IS THE LIFE YOUVE CHOSEN.

you chose it without KNOWING you were choosing it, or what you were choosing. but you chose it nonetheless.

god damn. how the hell did i not apply for one of those recent grad pathways jobs with FEDGOV when i was a recent grad? because i was immature AF as well as a jooish marxist who believed fedgov was an evil behemoth oppressive nonwhites at home and abroad. how could i become a part of the bloated military industrial complex used to oppress and kill innocent nonwhite wimmin and children in iraq and syria and afghanistan.

like they were just GIVING AWAY 35k entry level jobs to 22 year old shitheads like me. i mean its prob competitive as shit. but i DID have Superior GPA from a Name School, so i think i did technically have a chance. now I got no chance because im not even ELIGIBLE. Im too old. i missed the boat. the fast track. now i am on the nowhere track.

they have more Recent Grad Pathways jobs than they do Basic Bitch GS 05 jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!

i coulda been a contender, i coulda started at gs07, but now id be happy AF to take 05! pleeeeease respond! please interview me! most of all please hire me!

this is how i kill 34 minutes before going to muh interview hehehe. i mean i got the big interview done yesterday. i already researched this company today, i researched them 2-3 weeks ago when i did the other interviews.

i could TECHNICALLY start a masterz degree program (BS online MBA) and then get into one of these pathways jobs hehehehehe.

i mean making alot of assumptions here. what if the pathways job is harder to get into than HARVARD or MIT. i just dont know.

“sort of ex/bf” wtf does that mean???? YOU DONT KNOW IF HES YOUR EX OR NOT???!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!??!!

heh. at least i got that going for me. there is NO DOUBT that That Woman did not want to be with me. So now all I need to do is Forget About Her, and uhh learn the lessons and not make the same mistakes again. not be a COWARD again. be a MAN.

FIFTY DOLLARS to see MORRISSEY??? For 20 sure. for 30 maybe, a big maybe. i mean im not even a huge morrissey fan, i just respect what he’s done and i like the ridiculous lovesick grumpy image. i only know like 3 or 4 smiths songs and like 1 or 2 morrissey songs. 50$? rather spend it on MJ hahahahaha.

 

why dont you go to grad skool, you old white man. you get in what you put out. maybe if you CAREER FOCUSED like WOMEN you wouldnt be in this mess.

way to have a NEGATIVE, ENTITLED attitude that employers can SMELL a MILE away. go to THERAPY and fix your negative entitled attitude.

i was thinking about posting just to give him sympathy but then the post got locked. prob cuz it got very heated in there with people piling on this poor guy. IMHO, he is ENTITLED to have a negative attitude!

did i even talk about the interview? it was ok enough, i was nervous and rambling. i appreciated that they werent trying to RUSH me out of there in 45 minutes. it ended up being damn 90 minutes. i get the impression they give people all the time they need to Hire and Interview. i was a little exhausted at the end of it. the person was nice enough.

unfort there is also a damn second interview. i didnt expect a second interview for this damn 13 dollar an hour job. well i mean i didnt expect it to be a part of the process. but i would like this job so i DO want to get invited to the second interview.  but its also discouraging. i dont think ive ever made it to a second interview. i mean i am honestly sick of interviewing. 27 interviews and no job hahahahaha. well, i am a little TOO picky about jobs because i know I would prob K myself at a restaurant or fast food or grocery job. so i am trying to get a damn office job.

well just get a “transitional” job. well thats the thing. well sure you have to bullshit like its not transitional and you want to work at this shady restaurant the rest of your life.

well i can handle a lot more than i THINK i can handle, when I am not having Huge Personal Drama with a Woman at the job.

so if any one of these 27 places said yes, i could have probably handled it. for a year or so. then ragequit. then spent the next 15 months trying to find new job haha.

well the manager i talked to knew one of muh references, sort of. i will take that as a good sign. a SIGN from GAWWWWWDDDDDDDD. much like seeing that woman from my old job, working at the place i interviewed yesterday. not sure what is the better sign.

or it just means nothing hehehehe.

now i feel strangely tired. even though i got plenty of sleep. i always get plenty of sleep. too much sleep! i worry how i would be able to handle working 50 hours a week! i would literally have to do nothing but work and sleep. no exercise, no chores, no family, no 1488 podcasts, no powerwalks, no writing hahaha.

but heres the thing, i cant go RIGHT TO SLEEP after work because im too worried and my mind spinning and reeling about work stuff. the best thing i can do is take a ton of MJ, relax a bit, and THEN go study for 90 minutes or so, to give me a sense of confidence on the Work Material and that I am Ready for the crazy day tomorrow. so thats at least 2 hours of post-work home stuff there.

for a person that likes to spend 12 hours a day in bed, that is hard to swing hahahaha.

is it normal to spend 12 hours a day in bed? what is it a symptom of? despair? laziness?

i dont spend the WHOLE TIME sleeping. but uhh I do spend about 10 hours sleeping. 10 hours sleeping every night. the average is 7 hours. come on. but i feel like i cant FUNCTION hahahaha.

i mean yeah for a while i WAS a normie, getting 7 hours of sleep, working super stressful job all day every day. i was paying my dues just like everyone else.

but i just want a job where i can do tasks. have a routine. not have so much god damn change and confusion and being SLAMMED and having to explain and fix shit you didnt understand. its your job to answer the phone and there are calls always waiting in the queue.

heh the best was when i was on like a 90 minute call and i really had to urinate because i had been drinking a lot of coffee and water. i have actually put the caller on hold, ran out of the room and urinated, then came back to continue the call 2 minutes later with no one the wiser. because i was constantly putting the caller on hold for 5 minutes at a time to “research” or “get some advice” or run such and such a program.

but yeah that was HORRIBLE. i guess theoretically i could have asked the caller for permission so i could go to the Restroom. newbs would think, well why cant you just call them back.

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CALL THEM BACK because then you are in OUTBOUND call mode and that counts as Not Ready and you have to be Ready 85% of the time.  you are only ready when you are Inbound. on an inbound call, or those times when you are waiting for an inbound call.

i dont remember those times so much but we actually had them. but those times kinda sucked too because you were on the edge of your seat worried about when you would get that call and what it would be. i couldnt just Chill Out.

but yeah technically it WAS better than having one call after the other, to at least get a couple minutes between calls to rest or maybe even talk to your neighbor and try to convince yourself you were a normal human being who knew how to talk to people.

i dont want to work in a goddamn call center on inbound calls ever again! is that so illegit of me???!?!?!?!?!?!

its not like i wont serve customers or talk to people! i will give customer service! I will even sit in the inbound call queue for……..2 hours a day hahahaha. maybe even 3. but not fookin EIGHT hours a day.

i just hate that i WASNT TOUGH ENOUGH. I wasnt tough enough but SHE was.

 

wait until she leaves him for one of her more interesting male friends, he is right to be “insecure.” also he is shamed for thinking casual sex is wrong and not liking that his GF had a FWB casual sex partner. shamed by all the casual sex NIHILIST sluts of reddit.

feel pretty exhausted, not sure why. was it really because of muh 90 minute interview? i think so. but i used to do the equivalent of 8 hours of interviews every day at work. and yeah i was exhausted too but i couldnt sleep because my mind was RACING and worried.

right now im not worried and mind racing thank GOD. but i shouldnt be THIS tired. just from a 85 minute interview. i mean i sleep 10 hours a day. i cant upgrade the citalopram any more said the dr, 40 mg is maximum dose. the other option is that i could add wellbutrin. who knows. might do that. keep adding shit until one day i can HANDLE Normie Life. not even a Rel! but just a normie job. like the ones i interviewed for today and yesterday.

int tommorow, i am barely even preparing. i have talked to these people TWICE before, taken like FOUR tests with them, also this is a part time job, i am sick of doing prep work for them. but this part time job pays pretty well (15 an hour) and i would not turn it down AT ALL. I would welcome it.

just too many god damn college “educated” professional women on reddit. thinking they are all smart and progressive with their horrible nihilistic “progressive” “values.”

anyway i am a VERY low key guy and i would not like the “rockstar” gf like this guy has. its fine and dandy she has “CHOSEN” him but i guarantee shes gonna end up CHOOSING one of her more interesting male friends, and his “insecurities” will be 100% correct. he would be better off with a low key person like him, someone who doesnt have FWB’s.

i certainly want a low key woman. That Woman was very low key and did not like to party at all. no drinking, no going out, just staying in with the family, no tons of male friends. i LUVED that about her. i mean i have dealt with the other type of woman too. too many male friends, sluts, etc. college sluts that probably use reddit now and give horrible advice.

anyway i just worry that I singlehanded Ruined my rel with that woman because of My Issues that I should have been Getting Therapy for!!!!!!

but i HAVE been going to Some Therapy and taking medz every day!

oh god what a butt slut hahahahahahahaha

at the age of 24 shes ONLY had THREE serious enough relationships (out of 600000000000 secs partners) that she Luved enough to let them put it in the ass. THANKS.

anyway didnt mean to get on a tangent there.  i just dont want to RUIN rels with My Issues. Insecurities and Anxiety and Despair and Hate and Judgeyness hahahahaha. oh you had 3 FWBs thats gross and NIHILISTIC hahahaha. well it is.

well i mean reddit said its FRIENDS with benefits and its not nihilistic, its not disrespectful, and it involves communication and respect and mutual appreciation, you are not just using people for secs nihilistically.

so THEORETICALLY its something I MAY be capable of. like if i met a qt young gurl who i thought, oh yeah shes attractive i wouldnt mind having secs with her.

but if she was a decent person and i got along with her as a FRIEND, AND was secsually attracted to her…….i would CERTAINLY get some kind of FEELINGS very quickly.

so i dont understand how these FWBs just dont end up Dating.  you get along with the person as a friend, which is HUGE, AND you are secsually attracted to them, with is HUGE, and together with the getting along? i mean shit it sounds like something that would work really well as Dating, so why the f not do that?

like i was good friends with that woman and wished i could date someone i got along with that well. and then i started thinking of her secsually…..and boom the FEELINGS came right along with that.

so yeah FWB points to the nihilistic shit of being able to separate secs from feelings, which IMHO is nihlistic and wrong and disturbing, just like that anxious niceguy(tm) OP says in that reddit where he was shamed.

fookin interviews. sick of this shit hahahahaha.

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT

IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A DOORMAT.

all these women complaining about nice guy doormats. YES I AGREE it sucks to have people THROWING themselves asking to be WALKED ON, but THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO DO IT!!!!! Use it as a teaching moment to leave them better than you found them. say, stand up man! Dont let people walk all over you! and feel SHAME on Yourself if YOU ever walk on people!

GOOD WOMEN DONT WALK ON MEN!

DONT WALK ALL OVER A DOORMAT AND THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM BEING A DOORMAT!

BETTER TO LIGHT A CANDLE THAN CURSE THE DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i never walked on people. i wouldnt feel RIGHT walking on people. id say, this is fookin retarded, get up man, im not gonna WALK on you, have some damn self respect man!

yep so reading the controversial stuff from march 2015 (1.5 years ago hahaha) its obvious i should have

  1. just left it all alone, which i OBVIOUSLY couldnt do, so therefore my best option was
  2. just Confess and Blurt It Out right then and there. STOP WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT to talk to her because she wasnt gonna take it. the best I could have done is send her a one page email stating all the facts in as unemotional a way as possible and say, welp heres the explanation for all this. now just reject me already and lets move on with our lives and not have too much butthurt.

 

 

heh i kinda wish That Woman was all sad because YES IT IS, I GET IT, that losing a friend is HARD, even if you arent losing a Lover. So I wanted to know that she was UPSET to lose me as a friend, because that means i MEANT something to her as a friend, which i was PRETTY SURE I did. And she meant something to ME as a friend too! and then shit CHAAAAANNNGGGGED!!!!!! How is this SO HARD to understand! FEELINGS CHANGE!!!!!! Just Friends shit can CHANGE to wanting to be more than friends! its not ULTERIOR MOTIVES!!!!!

i guess i was/am trying to convince myself i didnt have ulterior motives. becuase i wouldnt like ulterior motives either. but deep down i guess i know it wasnt ulterior motives.

but i can see how you might think its ulterior motives, and i really want to convince you it wasnt, because i know how bad ulterior motives are.

 

hehehehe

 

i mean this stuff HAPPENS, its not just ulterior motives. but do WOMEN ever get feelings for their GUY friends, or it it always the other way around? i dunno. knowing women and how stupid and ridiculous they are, they probably dont, hahahahaha. why not? because they are meeting fun, interesting, secsy, eligible NEW guys ALL THE TIME. just a revolving door of neverending new guys. never any need to RETHINK anything because there is always someone NEW,

women are CONSTANTLY meeting new guys. men meet like one new woman a year. women meet a new guy EVERY DAY.

shit yeah men are more easily replaceable. its just a fact of life. get used to it.

yeah well that has been hard for me. i hate being replaced hahahaha. it takes 2 years for me to get over it every time.

and now all these people are piling on the man as the bad guy here, because he was friends with her, and as soon as she says no i wont fook you, he DUMPS her and turns his back. its all about SECS and FOOKING to these women, they dont even know what LUV is, and they cant understand that feelings happen sometimes, and its really hard to turn off feelings, and sometimes you need to be away from the person in order to get over your feelings, because they dont have feelings for you! and they call that dumping your friend because she didnt want to fook you. way to totally miss the point in the most jooish way possible. its like they never had unrequited luv for a friend before hahahaha. and they probably HAVENT! men understand what this is like………women do not.

yes they are like a separate species! damn! they dont know any of our feels and we dont know any of their feels!

good thing she hurts! but i GUARANTEE SHE will get over him a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT quicker than he gets over her! it will take him two YEARS, it will take her 2 months, tops.

interviews monday tuesday AND wednesday. that is a first. 3 interviews in 3 days. i mean how can I NOT get a Job Offer pretty soon? hehehehe.heh.

probably because i have Stopped Trying on the interviews. but I still dont do markedly WORSE. but i am remarkably not self aware hahahaha. i write about myself all day and im still not self aware hehe.

sheeeit back in march 2015 i was smokin MJ regularly. the best thing was to just put it in a regular cigarette. take out maybe half of the filter. and then you could easily smoke those outdoors.

heh. you know why i get jealous when you go hang out and meet all these new guys? because one of these new guys youre gonna think is more interesting and secsy than me and i dont want u to leave me!

i mean people can do what they WANT. no ones entitled to anything. just saying its god damn competitive AF out there, when your GF is meeting all these hot new guys all the time, and you are pretty average at best. hows she NOT gonna leave you for one of them, when you take all this extra effort to appreciate?

i have Being Dumped issues because women have had NO PROBLEM dumping me when the time came. showing me EXACTLY how much value they thought I had As A Mate. NO PROBLEM replacing me with a Sexier Man. Doesnt mean those men were Essentially Superior Humans to Me, in GODS Eyes…………but the women I was trying to get with sure thought so!!!!!!!

so hell yeah i have ISSUES about that! anyone would!!!!!

not saying i agree with this, but wouldnt it be an incentive for the state to legalize MJ if there were HUGE TAX REVENUE they could get from it? like if people make more money with it being illegal (police, law enforcement, pharm, alcohol, lawyers, jails), then WHY NOT add SO MUCH TAX to it that the state would make more money off the TAX than they would off all these other things. which means it would have to be a damn high tax. like maybe 20% hahahaha.

basically, how much tax would be ENOUGH for State Govt to approve legal MJ?

i mean i would be willing to pay a HUGE tax.

now im DEFINITELY not saying that that tax money would be used wisely. roads would still be falling apart, schools would still be shitty, infrastructure would still be shitty, there would still be no jobs, and all the money would just go to state workers and politicians salaries and pensions hahahaha, even if it brought in in a trillion bux a year. but shouldnt that be enough to convince THEM?

how about a 100% tax rate. buy a $100 bag of MJ for $200 and $100 goes to the state. how could the state not want that.

hahahahahaha

so i will be speaking to the director of IT tomorrow, he has a very impressive linkedin and has accomplised 14880000000000000000000000 times the things i have at around the same age i am.

they mentioned another guy would be there too, they just mentioned a first name that sounded very informal, i looked up people named this at the company, and thats the CEO’s first name. he goes by this informal kind of nickname. he has a PHD from CAMBRIDGE. I mean thats intimidating as FOOK. do I really NEED all that? i am just trying to make 12 dollars an hour here. you dont need to have your cambridge phd ceo fooking talk to me.

oh i bet he has a wife and children too. and gets respect from people. well hes EARNED it!

the company is probably making at least 30 million a year in revenue and they want ME to speak to the CEO. i mean ive seen this before, where there were RIDICULOUSLY high up people in the interview for basically an entry level position.

trying to do some research on company, interview prep right now, printing shit. gonna run out of this “new” black print cartridge i just bought like a month ago. lucky if a print cart can last for 10 interviews hehehe.

right now posting some stuff from april 2015, when i was still talking to her. it is sad. real sad. i am very embarrassed and ashamed of how cowardly and weak and stupid i was. shes not a bad person. i wasnt trying to play mind games with her, but im sure i ended up confusing her anyway. she was having a tuff time in life. the best thing i could have done was be direct. and i wasnt. you think she was mature enough to handle that at 24 years old? come on.

i mean i didnt want to manipulate her either. i was just SO DESPERATE to hang out with her, and she just kept avoiding it. so why didnt i say, well she OBVIOUSLY doesnt want to hang out! so stop bugging her, OR JUST SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT.

so it is painful seeing myself acting so idiotically against this poor little confused gurl.

but i was confused too. i wasnt trying to manipulate or control her. i just want to hang out. and i just couldnt accept reality though.

i wish i had the BALLS just to say what I was really thinking though. just be a MAN and be like LISTEN. HERES THE THING. I’ve started to like like you over the past couple months. this affects our rel and we HAVE to deal with it.

not cutesy bullshit like i missssssssss you and lets hang out soon bla bla bla.

I WAS ACTING LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah hope i dont have too many throwback posts like that, becuase i need to move on from that. i mean i learned my lesson and hopefully i wont do the same shameful shit again.

which isnt to say shes blameless. she could have done better too.

but i was no innocent either.

but im not a bad guy, shes not a bad person either, we were just two decent people who used to be good friends, both acting very weakly and cowardly, and the entire rel crumbling and dying as a result, and it was just SAAADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOK.  Like i say im not ANGRY at her, i haven’t really EVERY gotten ANGRY except BEFORE it ended. After it ended, I’ve just been SADDDDDDD AS FOOOOOOOOK. Cuz it really IS!

talking to the CEO. WHY would they throw out this second name, you’ll be talking to director if IT john kimball, and also billy. who the fook is billy. (not actual name.)

Why not say Billy Smith, CEO of the 500-employee company??????

so that means the job pays at least 40k right?

36k is National Average. i mean even that is a little HIGH for me, thinking well ive settled for 12 an hour, no WAY anyone would ACTUALLY pay me 18 an hour!

maybe the CEO just sits in on SOME interviews for FUN when he has the time and is not having power lunches or doing photo ops. he has a free hour, they’re doing an interview, whoopee, might as well drop in and terrify the Supplicating Dogsbody for a 12 dollar an hour job when I make 200k a year. I make TEN TIMES what he does.

It’s just not a WHITE thing to do to LORD your influence over other white men like that. And I’m pretty sure the guy is white. CEO with a phd in engin from cambridge, about 65 years old. gotta be white.

so she was just an immature little gurl, didnt know any better, dindu nuffin. yeah but she had like 5 years more relship and secs experience than me!

but THATS AS A WOMAN! WOMEN dont do any ACTUAL WORK or EFFORT or TRYING in relships! they dont learn any actual SKILLS like communication, empathy, sympathy, kindness, compassion, love, etc hahahahaha.

they can have 10 years of relship experience and still be CHILDREN!!!

anyway. interview tomorrow. another humiliation hahaha. no really MOST of the people ive talked to have been NICE.

but yeah i am ashamed i didnt do better. i really shat the bed. she kinda shat the bed too, but that much is on her. but I shat the bed too and I am ashamed of it and never want to make the same mistake again.

i dont think not shitting the bed would have made her Luv me…..but it prob would have saved some pain and butthurt from The End.

Shit just hire a shrink EVERY DAMN TIME you want to End A Rel. because you are gonna be so emotionally compromised you’ll fook it up every damn time. so just pay a shirnk 50 bucks to do it for you.

i just wish i had not been such a weak, pathetic, stupid bitch. i wish i could look back and say i was proud of how i acted. that i handled this like a grown, honorable, respectable, mature white man. and that i didnt act like a little girl.

i mean i wasnt Abusive or Creepy so I guess that is good, but I was pushy and needy and immature like a little girl. not my finest hour hahaha.

shaved face with actual razor today instead of electric shaver, its an interesting alternative and prob a closer shave.

oh well. im going to interviews. IM TRYING. IM TRYING. IM MAKING AN EFFORT hahahahaha. im not just sitting here like a lazy negro. i have done 486 applications and 27 interviews. and still cant get a 24k job with health care hahahaha.

i dunno. it just chaps my ass that 25 year old women arent mature enough to do work in a relationship and communication, but they ARE mature enough to get masters degrees and make 60k a year, and i am not mature enough to hold down a 30k a year job without Flaming Out and Breaking Down under the pressure.

really grinds my gears hahahaha.

this IT Ninja I am interviewing with has been working 20 years in IT, much of it higher level / management, but didnt finish his bachelors degree until he was successful in his career, in something COMPLETELY unrelated and useless. I mean he is the type they make MBA In IT Degrees for so he can be a good CIO.

but he probably makes too much money to want to do that, he can always get good paying work, he knows he’s got Valuable Skills. i bet he’s married as fook hahaahahahaha. i mean he’s been very gainfully employed for the past TWENTY YEARS and sounds like a charismatic, can-do guy, judging by the 10 diff recommendations from people on his linkedin. ideally i would do this, but i cant really. get linkedin recs i mean.

anyway i have to drive past HER workplace in order to get to interview/workplace tomorrow. and what if she were outside the office smoking a cig or something. well she probably quit smoking cigs, like a responsible successful person.

i should stop attacking her, because she is broken hearted that she lost a Dear Friend, ie Me! it HURTS to lose a friend!

hehehehe tell me about it. hey i lost a friend too.

oh so youre hurting? not my problem. go to a shrink. hehehehehehe.

i also hate reddit for assuming that 25 year old women are not mature enough to be responsible for their decisions and lives. and for being against getting married young and having children young. and that you are only mature once you hit 30.

yeah well this may be the case with a lot of people, but my god they are REALLY against people getting married before like age 25 at the absolutely earliest. especiall for women. men dont really matter. but women need to get all that EXPERIENCE and have all those ADVENTURES and make all those MISTAKES.  youre only ready to marry once youre 30 and have taken 30 cox.

heh. watching a ridic old sherlock holmes episode and its the guy from raiders of the lost ark, the nervous creepy nazi “toht”. wearing a ridiculous wig. is that the same guy? kinda looks like him.  i have never seen him in anything else.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2043454/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_16

yes its the same guy, ronald lacey.

ANYWAY. he died in 1991 of CANCER.  and had to use a colostomy bag since he was like 20 years old. well he still managed to have at least two children.

yeah thats the thing. its a REAL MIXED BAG, age 25 is, for women. some are mature, some are not. but i think they should be more mature than immature. i mean yeah I was immature then, and now, but I SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN. Thats WAY too old to be immature.

yeah well i had never done this before, never had this experience, never fell in luv with a friend, i didnt think i ever would. so i guess that thing wasnt INGRAINED in me by age 25! like i think everything is INGRAINED by age 25. you can still do plnety of learning and changing after that. thank god.

so….you can get a shady doctor to sign a MMJ rec, BUT the state licensing agency doesnt need to APPROVE it and send you your state approved card! actually the state DENIES about 20% of the applications they get every year! but why?????? do some doctors have a reputation as shoddy? probably. under investigation by LE? probably.

but dont they just raid the dispensaries? do they really care about doctors? ive only heard ONE news story in the past 5 years or so about a doctor getting charged with MJ card fraud.

OR should i complain about Severe Pain next time i see my regular doc, THEN get recrods printed, take those to MMJ doctor?

should i be trying to Scam The System like this? doesnt that LOOK BAD for MMJ in general, and also for Legal MJ in general?

hey just charge 100% tax and legalize it! legalize, tax, and regulate it, oh great state hahahahaha.

i mean honestly its a great safety net. i could have the Worst Day At Work of Angry Customers Demanding Explanations, and it would be easier to take knowing I had some MJ waiting at home for me!

i honestly LUV it the way i luv a waifu. it is one of the best REWARDS for me. like giving a dog a treat or giving a kid candy/ice cream. or give the normie his cuddly gf. give me some mj.

i also wish i hadnt overdone the drinking, so that i could go out with normies drinking, as a way to Team Build. you will have an easier time at Work if you go out drinking with your Team, otherwise you look like the Office Weirdo, and they are gonna try to Force You Out and Bullycide you hahahahaha.

if they REALLY have me talk to the CEO of a 300 person, 30 million a year company, i am gonna write 6000000 words on it hahahaha.

when you start a rel, start a FUND and put 50$ in it, so you can pay a shrink to facilitate the breakup. PREPAY for your inevitable breakup hahahaha. shit ill pay for it, just like a man paying for dinner. it’s well worth the 50$ to me. maybe even 100$. two sessions.

 

she makes 100k, he makes 35k, they are both 28 yo hahahahahahaha. look at this fookin normie making 35k at age 28 hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

what about men who get divorced at age 30, then dont date again till they are 45, and find that all the 30-45 women are HORRRRRRRRIBLE. all the ego of a 25 year old but none of the hotness to back it up. also more kids, more cox, more exes, more crazy. i dont want to date 35 year olds! except maybe for casual secs. but you cant have a FAMILY with 35 year old women!

i just worry i will never get that close to THAT high quality of a woman again and will always have to settle for LESS.

 

heres some great drama. I dont think he should GHOST her thought. just be like wow im really shocked you had an abortion, i dont think i can marry a baby murderer, or, maybe i can, lets talk about this.

i mean yeah i would be shocked too. but its probably better than cheating. maybe. its still pretty damn bad. i am very anti abortion, more than averaege.

also this woman is super retarded because she refuses to believe she was being dishonest. does not understand the concept of dishonesty by omission.

hmm maybe thats what i did to HER. lying by omission. i wasnt telling her about this big important thing.

well it all comes back to “I was PLANNING on telling her when we HUNG OUT because thats a BIG CONVERSATION that you cant have via text, needs to be done IN PERSON.”

which is true, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTt

what i LEARNED was,

when they keep AVOIDING you for X months,

then YES, you DO tell them the big thing via text, because your rel is pretty much OVER anyway.

oct 24

posted a response on despair forums for the first time in months, felt like interacting with someone hhehe. a man suffering after a bad breakup, where she blamed him, said its all your fault, and blocked him for being smothering, when he wasnt. that has got to be hard to hear. i imean THAT WOMAN never accused me of being smothering, but i knew she was thinking it, and i know i can be, and i have tried NOT to be.

had interview with the healthcare place today, went ok, was nervous, always nervous, anticipating crucifixion. i asked whos this “billy” guy, is the CEO really gonna be here, and they said yeah he likes to sit in on a lot of interviews, but he had to go to a last minute business lunch, sorry he couldnt be here. I said thats fine, i am always happy to come in and talk to him later, or on the phone. but yeah. that WAS the CEO. very hands on CEO. damn.

talked to it director, and there were 2 women in there as well. kind of a low pressure interview. there was an 8 minute wonderlic Intelligence Test before everything started. i only got through 20 questions. sheeeeeeit.

i forgot to ask how many people were interviewing. i did ask about salary and did not say another place was muh number 1. i demonstrated knowledge of the company and said welp i dont have tons of working experience with SQL and C++ but I coursework in them and got all A’s. i like to take initiative to teach myself the things i need to know. i use google, do due diligence, and ask intelligent questions.

i said WELP i looked at glasdoor, says 35k is the average, but i’m looking to come in well below average because i am entry level, i made X at previous job, and i am looking for 14 to 16 here, but very flexible. i want to be in your ballpark. they talked about how great the benefits were and how there are 19 paid days off a year.

i mean it looks pretty good. would not mind getting this job. this one is prob the new number 1 anyway. close to home, 15 an hour, benefits, M-F days, growing company, award winning workplace.

also i went in there and saw that a woman i used to work with at the Living Hell Previous Job was there. she was always super nice and I was nice to her and helped her when she was new. and she appreciated my help. although I think I shocked her once with my filthy mouth, hahahaahaha. but i think she forgot about that. anyway she seemed happy to see me and i was nice to her today. also sent her an invite on linkedin today while everything was fresh. she was/is a nice sweet person and thats all that matters to me. also she was a smart good worker and deserved a better job. so nice to see she got a job here. i am sure it is at least a little better than where we were.

anyway ideally she can say oh yeah he’s great, he’s super nice AND super smart. i mean i had a good repoire with her and liked helping her. i mean i liked helping people in general and our people needed a LOT of help because they were constantly being THROWN TO THE LIONS, not just the wolves, but the goddamn LIONS, they needed a lot of help, and there was not enough of a supply of help. so i took up the cross and helped people off the clock quite a bit.

anyway maybe thats a SIGN FROM GOD that THIS IS THE ONE, that this nice woman works there.

or maybe its just the 27th rejection hahahahaha. life goes on, time marches on.

way to email me paypal and amazon letting me know my password has been stolen and that i should change it hahahaha.

anyway. yeah i would totally take this job. its close and doesnt seem too bad. i could be somewhat proud of working there. there might be some help desk work but as long as its less than 4 hours of inbound calls a day, that would be ok.

i drove by the place where i heard That Woman was working. i said IM NOT GONNA LOOK AT IT but i failed in that and instead blatantly Rubbernecked at the parking lot looking for her car. I didnt see it but there were a lot of cars and i was going 40 mph. i swore that if i drove by again after the interview i would not look at the building or parking lot. that i would physically block it with my hand.

instead i just took another road to go home.

if i get this job i am willing to do whatever it takes to not look at that building or parking lot hahahaha.

i cant believe the CEO is so HANDSY that he likes to do so many interviews. he has a phd in engin from cambridge. did he publish any papers? how much money did he make as an Executive Business Consultant, and then as CEO of a health care company? how fookin rich is he? is he british? probably. why would he come from UK to here? I would rather be born in the UK hahahahahahaha well maybe. things are shitty over there too. but you are closer to Yurop and the Home of the White Race. i dunno. i just dont trust people who leave their whole FAMILY an OCEAN away unless they are nonwhite immigrants coming from the third world to the first world.

also i guess he is very hands on in the technical projects. GREAT. i mean you are like 70 years old man. go traveling. visit your family. youve made MILLIONS of dollars. the man is a MULTIMILLIONAIRE and I have to talk to HIM for a 15 dollar an hour job hahahahaha.

well they didnt say. i know youre SUPPOSED to get them to say a number first. im honestly too desperate for that, plus I already had a range in mind: 14 to 16. let them know i looked at glassdoor. maybe they’ll reject me because i looked too desperate because i said a number first hahahahaha.

they responded yes that range is in the ballpark.

i asked them about Growth in the company. they said they were growing SO MUCH they plan to DOUBLE within 3 years. they are growing so fast they can barely keep up. INTERESTING.

sent thank you email hours ago. damn.

interview tomorrow for Bank job, in Records. Bank Records. 12.50 an hour. this company is also a Best Workplace To Work. I should just apply to places on those list. as determined by large local paper. anyway. I semi respect this bank as a good employer and would be happy to take their job too. their hr person impressed me by contacting me about this job, after i was rejected for the tech job at this bank. i mean that was just good guy greg stuff. i usually hate women, HR, and companies, but she really impressed me here. i mean she didnt have to call ME. she coulda called any of the other 1000000000000000 people that had applied for that job in the past day, when i had applied like 8 months ago.  it shows they actually LOOK at those old applications and dont just throw them in the memory hole. the whole company seems above board and ethical and not run by sneaky semites.

and then on wed i have the final interview of week. not gonna get a ton of sleep before that one. early in the morning. part time job. but it pays more per hour than the FT job tomorrow. but that FT has decent, ok, average benefits.

WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DOWN AS LONG AS ME, MEDIOCRE LOOKS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!!!

like honestly a 12 dollar an hour FT job with benefits is nothin special, which all 21 year old college grads should aim for, not a 35 year old man!

i mean how can you raise a family on that? how can you attract a wife with that?

you mean youre 35 and havent found a wife and started a family yet? hahahahaha.

BABY STEPS.

get this job, then go out with slutz from okcupid hahahaha and try to find a wife.

reddit thinks that you shouldnt date men who even use the WORD “SLUTS”. at age 26 you should be more mature!

hehehe what about if you are 35 hahahahahahhahahahha

no i call women SLUTS every day. it simply means you are too promiscuous, your number is too high, you dont have enough REVERENCE for the secs act and who you do it with.

its a nihilistic culture of death. you dont have enough respect for life. at BEST, you are DANGEROUSLY immature. thats what SLUT is shorthand for. someone i only want to use for short term pleasure. never more.

sheeeeit i mean i dunno. i pretty much HAVE to go to some stupid website if i want to meet new women. whether its a WIFE, or its a short term Meat Hole hahahahahaha. a Slut.  ok how about i LOOK for a good wife type woman, then if i meet her and she turns out to be a slut, then uhhhhh let her do what sluts do, and forget about marrying her hehehe.

i just yeah. i shouldnt hate how women can be immature and get a man, but men have to be mature to get a woman. because thats just natural. thats how god made us. uterus power. but plenty of immature men get women too. you dont need to be mature, you just need to be MANLY.

 

look at this nice young man. he wants to dump his GF, but he knows she’ll be devastated, so he wants to let her down as easily as possible. he doesnt hate her, and really doesnt want to add insult to injury. or add injury to injury hahahahahaha. so he asks for advice how how to dump as gently as possible. what a nice young man!

hey i CAME CLOSE to having a real rel with a woman. technically I HAVE had actual real rels with women. just nothing that involved mating. then it was a clusterfook. they only wanted negros and men who acted like negros to fook them hahahahhaa no thats a lie. woman2012 didnt want negros. That Woman didnt ALWAYS and ONLY want negros.

basically dump someone the way you would want to be dumped. be nice……but dont be so nice that you give them false hope that its not really over. be as nice as you can in stating that it’s for sure over.

yeah this is a hard thing to talk about.  i guess i can’t blame anybody for being bad at it! let alone a cowardly little woman! shit i prob wouldnt have the balls to do it!

or when other women dumped me, they tried to be nice about it, and that led to me not fully understanding, thinking i could get them to change their mind, talk them out of it. so yeah its hard to be nice but also be VERY FIRM.

so spend 50 bucks to have a shrink do it. totally worth it. they can get the message across in a firm way with NO ambiguity. i will do this every time i have to dump someone hahahaha. or if i think a woman wants to dump me, i will hire the shrink FOR her to dump me.

this is a GREAT fookin idea. why doesnt EVERYONE do this? shrinks are everywhere, even the middle of nowhere. i mean they are nothing but MSW social workers, and these are a dime a dozen.

heh. i wonder if wimmin who have MSW degrees are better at dumping their boifrans. or better communicators. or more mature. or better Conflict Revolvers. I wonder!

or do you have to be a LICENSED or CLINICAL social worker.

 

CASUAL SECS, CASUAL RELS, CASUAL SOCIOPATHS

oct 10 2016

sheeeeeeit

the pure raw hatefulness of pre 2005 darkthrone is good for job search type stuff.

of COURSE she found it easy to replace and forget about me: she had a JOB, she had MJ, and she had a Selection of Secs Options.

here is why Women Perpetuate a Culture of DEATH and have No Respect for Human Life:

  1. They dont understand that sex creates human life and they do it QUICKLY, with any strongman negro thug
  2. If they accidentally create a new human life, they just murder it with no remorse
  3. They end (and begin) relships at the drop of a hat and quickly forget about people they have known for years. Strong feelings can disappear in a matter of days or weeks.

they are SOCIOPATHS!

yeah but isnt kali the god of both creation AND destruction? i guess that puts things in perspective. that just as much as women are the creators of human life, they are equally the DESTROYERS of it!

And its MENS job to keep them OUT of Destruction mode, by keeping them IN creation mode as much as possible!

kali, or shiva, i dont know, i dont care.

YUGE interview tomorrow, biggest one in a more than a month. bank IT job. mainframes. i should be preparing better. but i already prepared for the phone interview last week. now i just want to complain about how horrible women and interviews and jobs are.

i guess trump did ok in the second debate? i mean its not like im gonna vote for hillary. and sensible women will say, oh trump is a Creep and Woman Hater…..but he’s still a way better choice than hillary!!! and then “hold their nose” and vote for trump.

so yeah i dont get these undecided voters.

in fact really i am gonna be STUCK voting republican the rest of muh life even if they only put up weaker and weaker cuckolds.  because at the end of the day, repub will always be closer to muh WHITE MALE demographic than the dems ever will be. i mean i just dont see a pro-white-male dem candidate as being even POSSIBLE ever.

i mean the dems are ALWAYS gonna be pandering too much to nonwhites and degens for me to ever support them! they only thing they possibly have going is that they are the party of the “regular working normie” which is FALSE anyway!

but basically i will vote for the candidate that is BETTER FOR WHITES. period. single issue voter hahahaha.

and i am sure that most times that choice will be extremely obvious.

and sometimes even the one who is better for whites wont necessarily be GREAT for whites. again. lesser of two evils. LEAST WORST.

 

guy asks for advice on how to dump his GF in a nice way because he doesnt want to DEVASTATE her because he doesnt hate her, shes a nice person, he just doesnt want to be in the rel anymore. what a moral guy hahahahaha.

welp managed to do baby steps of 10 pushups and 2 job apps. i mean i feel like i did 80% of my prep work for this interview, when i did the phone interview with them last week.

you DO get a chip on your shoulder and an inferiority complex like youre not good enough, and you always have to PROVE yourself, when you do 23 job interviews and nothing. at this point, the rejection has continued OVER THE LONG TERM, and that changes you. you get used to being rejected, although of course you dont WANT to be, and you probably get slowly better at Selling yourself. but its still never good Enough, and you still expect to be rejected for months and months longer. while women are out there making MONEY. and you cant convince people that you are worth a job to make your own money.

and fenriz the party animal can work at the norwegian post office for 25 years in a Career, non-PSE job, probably has a MF day shift, probably no split shift, probably doesnt have supervisors shitting on him all day. and he has time and energy to enjoy 500 albums a year and write and record darkthrone and I think he has a GF too who isnt dumping him because hes so insecure and weak. and he continues to drink beer at 44 years of age. and has a beautiful full head of hair. shit he probably smokes MJ too hahahahahahaha.

so, 153 hours of “work” times 12 dollars an hour is 1836 dollars worth of “work” i have done on job search. i am measuring all this time as closely as possible and trying to put a 12 dollar an hour value on it.

back in the day i used to “joke” that I Will Bribe You Ten Thousand Dollars To Give Me A Job.

i guess i was being too generous. really I was ripping myself off. I should go no higher than Three Thousand.

shit i would take out a loan even. with like 5% interest hahahahaha. is that high or low. yearly. 5% yearly not monthly hahahahahahaha.

but yeah i wish i had done a lot more than 153 hours of actual Work during this time hahahaha. that is less than One Month of Full Time Work.  during like god damn 15 months. hehehehehe.

10 hours a month. good job neet loser hahahaha.

welp. applied for 3 jobs today. 10 pushups. might do 10 more because i at a HUGE dinner of a delicious steak and cheese sammich and fries. gr8 1200 calories right there m8.

i could never destroy or throw away a human life as casually as women can.

casual sex, casual life destruction. casual murder. casual abandonment. what does it matter. its just a human life. its cheap, disposable, easily forgotten, easily replaced again and again. this is how women feel about Human Life hahahahahahaha.

well if THATS what i think Women Think, NO WONDER I hate women!!!!!!!!!

when really its just not  true. there is SEVERE Cognitive Distortion going on here!!!!!!

so i am hating women based on Faulty, Flawed Logic!

kinda for the wrong reasons.

my logic is not logical, AND my conclusions that stem from that logic are incorrect!

therefore, all women are not cold hearted sociopaths, and probably NOT EVEN HALF are!

and her, she wasnt even being sociopathic, so why am i saying all women are? she was just being cowardly and immature and emotional, which most women ARE, and i guess you can mistake the consequences of this for socipathy.

heh. so the end result is the same as sociopathy, AND most women ARE like that hahaha. so they MIGHT AS WELL BE sociopaths.

yeah, but they dont MEAN to be!

and that makes all the difference in the world hahahaha. when your heart is slaughtered either way.

so theyre doing all the damage of a sociopath, but they dont have sociopathic INTENT. so again, wtf DIFFERENCE does INTENT make here?

ok the….well…..NOT ALL WOMEN will act in a way that could be CONFUSED for sociopathy hehehe. im just feeling burned by my most recent and most powerful experience. just fallout. i said it was gonna take at least 2 years to get over! and this is just all part of the process! TRUST THE PROCESS!!!!!!

interview tomorrow. i guess if i had two, even one interview every week, i might get used to it so that i could be DESENSITIZED rather than FLOODED, so that i could actually IMPROVE rather than losing whatever small gains ive made by the next interview. when i need to make gains and KEEP THEM in order to be GOOD enough to do good enough in the interview to get the job.

so FIVE states are gonna be voting on legal MJ in 2016. cali, ariz, mass, florida?? no not florida, but maine and nevada.  they are saying cali and nevada and maine are the best chances here.

i mean shit. i guess i will stop talking about that cuz i dont want to dox myself.

but i keep forgetting they have legal weed in oregon and DC.

but can you go into a retail store in DC and buy it?

i thought there was some ridic rule where you couldnt BUY or SELL it , but you could GIVE it away and accept DNATIONS.

read some articles, really sounds like legal weed in DC just SUCKS, they have dispensaries, but you have to have a medical card to buy from them. i GUESS you could pester the medical card people to buy some, then “GIVE” it to you.

lesson: just go to colorado, oregon, wash, or maybe cali or nev in 2017.

 

hahahaha they think this might be “crusader girl” not sure if it is, but i dont know any other 17f’s making pro-white videos.

oct 11.

i have a BIG INTERVIEW coming up in 3 hours and i am not even worried, which is tech good, but i am not even preparing, which is bad. its like i dont want the job hahahahaha.

i mean i never had the FIGHTING spirit, and i am USED to rejection, and not getting my hopes up, etc.

just so obsessed with women and rels i cant even think about the things that MATTER, like living my life!!!!!

last night i was of course thinking about Grabbing All Women By The Pvssy (hahahahahaha) no jk, but i was thinking, yes, INTENT DOES matter, because it means women arent SOCIOPATHS, they’re just weak and cowardly. but they arent SUPPOSED to be brave and courageous and mature, thats MENS job!!!!!!!!

but yeah intent IS important even if the results are shitty, because it means they arent shitty horrible people deep down. and THAT matters.

anyway. i gotta be careful with writing in this so much. sometimes its good, but sometimes its bad. it goes both ways. meaning, sometimes it helps me, but sometimes it hurts me. it harms me when i am saying all sorts of bad shit about women and getting into a Negative Thought Spiral hehehehe. Downward Spiral of despair and Hate and Shame and Guilt and Despair and Giving Up and pessimism and low energy hehehehe. that is very bad.

honestly i was having a ton of fun just DAYDREAMING about smoking MJ. like finding cheapest flight to denver, finding cheapest air bnb type place, buying an ounce of MJ, and just spend 7 to 10 days getting ridic blazed all day and exploring the area, mountains, etc, maybe go visit foreveralone george mcfeels hahahaha and record a few conversations with him.  and be like man, you live here, get yourself some of this stuff maaaaannnnnnnnnn.

or oregon or washington, whatever is the best deal.

then i thought, well, what if the next state closest to me legalizes MJ before my state does, would i be willing to drive to that state, buy a ton of MJ, then drive it back across state lines illegally heheheheheh i would be totes paranoid there would be cops looking for that type of thing.

but really i think using my mental energy to think about MJ is better than thinking about WOMEN, or DESPAIR, or THAT WOMAN, or how I am a huge failure neet loser who will never become anything. Daydreaming about MJ is more positive than ANY of that.

in fact I never do any “daydreaming” at all. this thinking about MJ is the closest I get to it. What I do when i think about women is not really positive enough to be called “daydreaming”, its more obsessing and ruminating and shit. its just back and forth and if i get conclusions they are not good conclusions. visualizing me smokin spliffs in the mountains is a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT more pleasant.

that arguing in my mind all the ways women are horrible but its not their fault because either nature designed them this way for a Reproductive Reason, or the J’s brainwashed them to ruin them.

maybe i am not getting hired because i am not wearing a VEST with my suit hahahahahaha. when i got the suit there was a matching vest that i probably should have got because its basically the only chance to get a matching vest.

and having a vest can sometimes look very classy.

but honestly do you REALLY think it ALWAYS makes you look better in interviews?

powerful ceos and trump on tv debates, hes never wearing a vest. just a normal suit. and he doesnt look like an unhirable slob just because hes not wearing a VEST with his suit!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah i think this is faulty logic, that im not getting hired because im not wearing a VEST with my suit hahahahaha. besides it looks kind of ODD. like its a real weirdo autist wearing a vest. kind of like a bow tie, but much less phaggy and gay. phaggy yuppie hipster young urban professional SWPLs actually do wear bow ties with their Problem Glasses and Arm Tattoos to their Cool Corporate jobs.

if you move your hands and arms around alot when you talk, that makes you look less rigid and more normie. unless you go totally overboard with it. which i could see an autist doing. overcompensating. thrashing his arms around like a helicopter. that is just as bad.

sheeeeeit i might be OK with never having children as long as I made 30k a year in a job that didnt drive me crazy, and i could smoke MJ, and maybe bang the occasional young slut. bang a slut once every 2 months, how about that. i will continue to SUPPORT white families and white children, but why the hell should i have them myself if i dont have the money to raise them, and i cant get a woman worth having them with?

yes, it WOULD BE NICE to have children, but would it be the END OF THE WORLD if i didnt???

but in the absence of wife and children, i WOULD like to have good looking (7/10, under 30) sluts to bang on the reg.

but its kinda degenerate life eh, banging sluts and smoking MJ with no wife and children when you are 40, 50 years old?

yes it is. but i would accept that and find other ways to support the whites who DO have children. donate money and time to the survival and growth of My Race. and not tell my other racial warriors about my MJ habit hahahahaha.

see unlike technical J aaron clarey, i wouldnt be ENCOURAGING or BRAGGING about the hedonistic enjoy the decline poolside childless lifestyle. I’d say, this is NOT ideal, but I have come to accept my fate. so i will enjoy my life and also try to encourage a BETTER life among other whites. ie having children.  maybe i could have Foster Children hahahahahahahahahaha.

well, those cost MONEY too. and if youre going to spend a LOT of money on children like that, they SHOULD be your own.

basically, the amount of money I’d be giving to the Cause would NOT be enough to actually raise a white child with, becuase i wouldnt be MAKING that much money to begin with. i would make enough to support myself, muh degen MJ habit, muh little home in whitopia, and regular dnations to the white race, and thats about it. 30k a year. cant raise a family on that. not even on 40k a year.

yep this place is only 3.6 miles away, 9 minute drive, insanely close.

got the dress suit on now, yeah this shirt is too big. that is killing me more than not having a VEST is killing me.

great sense of judgment hahahaha. oh i can make decisions quickly and decisively. they just wont be the RIGHT decisions. this is why i am normally so indecisive hahahaha and have to PRETEND to be decisive.

welp had my big interview. it was ok. lasted 45 minutes to an hour. talked to a woman. she was ok. i mean they arent in ATTACK mode like a presidential debate. they arent looking to CRUCIFY you.

i did about the same as i always do. average. ok. was nervous and spaghetti spilling. i just start rambling like an autist cuz i figure its better than freezing. i mean i am just looking to make 14 dollars an hour like eveyrbody else. yeah well this job pays like like 20, 21 dollars an hour. DAMN.

i mean its good that i get interviewed for such high paying jobs! KIND of a confidence builder! but i feel I am only WORTH 12 to 16 dollars hehehehe.

well there is a second interview, with the CIO. we will see if i get invited to that. probably not hahahahahahaha.

well i survived through another interview at least.

also. i was watching that uppity negro trevor noah on the daily show, to get All Sides in these turbulent times, and hes making stupid jokes regarding trump being a bad man for touching women without their consent, this is literally raep, etc., its not JUST vulgar language but abusive actions.

ok lets say trump DID reach out and grab a woman by the Pvssy. and say that woman said ew STAHP you BAD MAN and slapped him and pushed him away. what do you think he would do?

he would back off and say oh ok, i see how it is maam. whatever you say. do you honestly think he would force himself on the woman?

BESIDES, the woman would be more likely to LIKE it and to accept his advances anyway. but if she said STAHP and pushed him away, i am CERTAIN trump would Respect Her Consent hahahahahahaha.

just like ANY man who engages in such Locker Room Talk.  I mean i say much worse things about women but i have never grabbed a woman like that, and if some woman told me to STAHP I would defintely STAHP. to a damn fault.

i am glad he has been able to get over this (well at least in my view hahahaha), it shows what a non issue it is. however if he were caught on tape using N bombs, that would truly be the end. and that would suck.

see its kinda like how most women have Raep Fantasies but they dont want to be Really Literally Technically Raeped, just rough secs with a handsome ravishing man. So why cant MEN have their own side of that “Raep Fantasy” where they like playing the role of that Ravishing Man who reaches out and grabs women by the Pvssy? it doesnt mean he’s going to or even WANTS to Literally Raep the woman!!!!!!!!! you fookin hypocrite liars!!!!!

liek none of you shitlib males ever did anything Shady With Women!!!!!!!!!

besides you wantt o talk about shady, look at these women racking up 5 new secs partners a month on tinder. as if you cant even get preggers from secs.

people acting so HORRIFIED. clutching their pearls. like they dont have NOODS on some dudes phone they dont even know, sucking dicks of guys whos names they dont even know.

well MAYBE i could make enough money to have ONE child, wouldnt that be ok? i mean yeah ideally i would have 3 or more, but i def wont ever make THAT much money. but it is a lot more conceivable that MAYBE one day i could make enough money to have ONE child. (of course i might never make enough money to even get married.)

and again i dont want to have children with somebody i am not totally in luv with. like i was with that woman. so finding a woman i luv naturally leads me to really start thinking about children. with this woman. not some random tinder slut.

and i would probably be okay with just banging tinder sluts from here till eternity, provided i had the basics of a survivable job, maybe muh own place, and a regular supply of MJ hahahahaha. i just cant get over that folks. i have to accept it. i dont WANT to quit MJ. says a guy who has smoked MJ 2 days out of the last 400 days or so. yet I THINK about it EVERY day. even though i NEVER smoke it. though i WANT to. EVERY day.

youd THINK i smoke it every day. but like i said. only 2 days out of the last 400 or 420 (hehehehehe) when i was on my little labor day meetup with the old friends.

but yeah MJ is the solution to all problems. it takes the edge off foreveralone, and heartbreak, and also on stressfull jobs where you feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown every day hahahaha. you cant go home and get drunk, but you sure as hell can get blazed every day, and it works pretty well!!!!!!!!

i mean I cant get drunk. plenty of people do though. i mean i dont know if I will ever be “OK” to drink again. and i am fine with never drinking again, but i am totally not fine with never having MJ again!!!!!!!!

another word for BEEF CURTAINS is MEAT DRAPES hahahahahahahahahaha.

maybe i need to find some alt right people who are tolerant of the degeneracy of MJ hahahha. pro-MJ alt righters hahahahahaha. theres got to be a few.

well thing is, i understand and agree with the standard alt right opinion that MJ is degen. i just refuse to give up that degeneracy. i think i know better. just keep it secret and dont tell my internet buddies who i dont even talk to hahahahah.

well one of my Personal Goals is to actually Physically Meet Up in Real Life with Alt Right, TRS, Daily Stormer people. Pro White, Right Wing, White Men.

i dont know what to tell you. yeah i could have been more electrifying today. hey you should have seen me when i was 18. i was a lot more charming. my shy boyish charm was endearing. now its just considered sad at best, creepy and weird at worst.

but yeah it sucks not being able to deal with life!

 

this guy talks like a phag and hes too successful and normie, but great example of blaming himself when his ex was really just a piece of cheating trash, and he blames himself that he was the bad guy and he made her cheat cuz he was too jealous, and he is still hung up on the woman.

 

oct 12

interesting incident last night at social game at pub, table of 5 men incl me and 1 youngish woman, gf of one of the guys. another one of the guys is “on the outs” due to general, prolonged drunken, annoying behavior and general cluelessness, bad fit, obnoxiousness. i tolerate him the best and just tune him out, plus i am not terribly offended by his jokes, plus i am closer to him politically than some of the leftist men.

we have been avoiding a difficult confrontation to dump him from the group. i am fairly content to just tune him out. plus i have more understanding and sympathy for him i guess. doesnt mean i want to defend him too strongly, because he should just pick up on the social cues, but that is not his strong suit, plus the drinking doesnt help.

some men make off color jokes and Locker Room Banter about women that Women can join in……while other men’s Locker Room Banter has a more anti-woman, mean, bitter edge to it. you can tell. stuff that makes women uncomfortable and sounds “Creepy” or “rapey” or “sketchy”, vs it doesnt. of course its way too easy to make women uncomfortable.

basically i see myself in the guy, we are both woman haters, and i totally understand and sympathize with woman haters. i know where it comes from and this is their way of Acting Out against the women who have hurt them or broken their heart in the past.

at the same time, i agree that women are entitled to be upset, offended,angry, creeped out by these types of remarks. they have less discernment in being able to tell is this man a violent abuser or raper, because really rapers and abusers say the same type of mean stuff (and maybe some of them dont!)

BUT I dont believe saying these type of Mean, Bitter things is a Slippery Slope AT ALL to eventually BECOMING a violent abuser. I could never live with myself if i actually abused a woman! I have no desire. I mean there is no chance it would ever happen. And I think this guy is the same way.

at the same time, i have a filter, i know what is appropriate to say, i KNOW my sense of bitterness is not very acceptable, so i keep it private, and if I were making Locker Room Banter about Pvssys, its gonna be more socially-accepted banter, with very good faith effort to hold back “i hate all women because they are stupid whores who deserve only to be brood mare slaves” type remarks.  even when i got sloppy drunk i dont think i said stuff like that. of course back then i was still a feminist hahahahahahahahahahahaha and total white knight.

well, i still kinda AM a white knight too! but def no longer a feminist.

anyway i can see how this woman is rightfully upset about this sloppy drunk guy making remarks to waitresses about Eating Pvssy or whatever. I think this guy likes to push the line with women directly in that way. tries to make women angry, so he can step back and be like whoa whoa whoa im just kidding sweetie, dont be so sensitive!

anyway the big diff here is, he pushed this womans buttons, and this woman unleashed on him, directly told him “NOT OK”, and also made direct reference to his Drinking and Sloppy Drunkenness and that the other guys just put up with you and are too nice to say anything (which is more or less true).

OF COURSHE he is a Conservative Trump Supporter who has dropped N-Bombs hahahahahaha. So the Leftist Element of our group views him as a Vile, Deplorable Racist, Sexist, Misogynist, Evil White Man. And I really should stand up for him on that front, and say you can be a good racist and sexist without being a Sloppy Obnoxious Annoying Mess!

i mean basically he says a lot of stuff ranging from groanworthy to downright cringeworthy. and of course cringeworthy can be seen by women and womencucks (hahahahahaha) as problematic, Hateful, Not Ok, oppressive, cis white male privilege, abusive, CREEPY, rapey, weird, uncomfortable, triggering, etc etc etc.

i mean basically i think if he’s gonna use borderline weirdish locker room talk around women, he has to be prepared for the confrontation by women. i think he might like it on some level. and see i dont do this whatsoever. i am so good with my filter that its not even a risk. also i dont really WANT to be a woman hater, but I’ve pretty much accepted it as something that im just too old to change, plus for me, its EASY to use my filter and blend in. even if i am tired or stressed or scared hahahaha. plus my personal style is very different. i am very cool and cold and dont rock the boat, and polite and uncontroversial, go along to get along, cant we all just get along, minnesota nice, cool as a cucumber, dont say anything that might be offensive to anyone. dont offend anyone.

and very few things can offend me. the “hateful” things this guy says dont offend me because i totally understand him. if i knew he actually beat or raeped women i would feel differently and be more against him. but i really dont think he does or has!

i dont like to push peoples buttons because i know its not gonna do anything productive. theres really no point. its a lose for me. there is no benefit or incentive for me. why do it.

it really is amazing that i have such a good filter, because basically all my thoughts are socially inappropriate. i mean how is the mask not slipping. how is there no chinks in the armour. but theres really not. the only chinks are, well, he’s a pretty quiet guy, and i have never really heard of him Dating A Wimmin, but he seems pretty nice. probably just a Shy Guy who doesnt have a lot of Confidence with Wimmin.

which is very very true! i mean that is accurate as fook!

and really i know Not All Women are like that. honestly when i get out in public and see normie women, i dont feel hate or disgust even though they might do disgusting things. and i care about that impacting the white race, but i am very good about Accepting People Where They Are and seeing the good in people. kinda surprising actually! this is very easy to do when i am with them socially. VERY difficult when i am by myself writing.

i really only get OFFENDED and BUTTHURT when somebody hurts me directly, and to do that, i need to have kinda a serious deep rel with them, which i just dont have with most people! the closer you are to me, the more you can offend me.

well, i also get offended by Customers thinking i’m Stupid.

and i get offended by women being sluts and babies.

but i can very easily hold that back unless they are being sluts or babies to ME. then i get PISSED. or DEVASTATED.

i mean i dont really DO any locker room talk anyway because its degenerate and pornographic. i dont get excited by banging sluts. i get excited by nondegen, nonporno stuff like a traditional white family, a loving white waifu, monogamy, loyalty, Mutual Support, cuddling, not Blowjobs from Barsluts in Parking Lots, or jerking off to Porno. which i guess makes me Weird among men.

my kind of Locker Room Talk would be, why are so many women such huge, disgusting cvm guzzling whores? and yeah that sounds hateful and creepy and bitter. because it is!

basically i should be happy and confident, because when i get out in The World With Women, I’m not thinking, look at all these DISGUSTING WH0RES, how many cox has she sucked, etc. I mean i think about it, but its way on the back burner, and i always give women the benefit of the doubt and treat them like Human Beings and I am NICE TO EVERYONE. Nobodys life is EASY. I pride myself on not being an OBNOXIOUS person.

if some woman has a huge slut past, well, thats her problem, not my problem, unless i am in a rel with her. yeah its the white races problem, but im not gonna FIX her right here and now. we live in a very degenerate society so as long as someone is trying to be nice to me and not obnoxious, im happy with that, on the short term, small talk, real world interaction level.

and if someone is being obnoxious to me, i just ignore them. unless i really care about their opinion of me, like theyre obnoxious to me because i am weak and pathetic…but i dont really get that hahahahahaha. only if i am trying to build a rel with a wimmin and she rejects me, which only happens like once every 5 years or so.

i realize that my problem with women is at least 50% my own personal issues with women, not just The Way Women Are. but There IS a way that women are!!!!! but i think my own issues make me think that this is worse than it actually is.

like i have very mixed feelings about this women, the Sensitive GF. i dont trust her, i dont trust her with him, i dont trust her not to break his heart, or to put in enough effort, or to be a good GF basically. i dont think shes a bad person but i think shes a little bit too crazy to ever have a good rel, and i strongly suspect Father Issues and very possibly Past Abuse issues and even more possibly Slut Past issues. i would not want to date her at all. although she is QT. and how would i feel if she were showing any interest in me. i probably would get sold on her, like her BF is.

but i still try not to judge her TOO much, and i think she is perfectly entitled to be upset and butthurt about what the drunk guy is saying, and to call him out on it.

she was worried about being Gaslighted as That Crazy Gurl. i mean i dont think shes an idiot, and she did have the right to stand up for herself and speak out against his Locker Room Talk which again, is the TYPE of locker room talk which really triggers women as being a Potential Threat.

what i’m far more concerned about is his Generally OBnoxious, Drunken, Annoying behavior, and the best way to address Dumping him from our group, vs just tolerating him to avoid that Very Uncomfortable Direct Confrontation. OBVIOUSLY direct confrontation is best. kinda funny that it took a timid quiet gurl to do it, rather than a bunch of big burly bearded men hahahahahahahahaha wimmin r so stronk and independent dont need no man, men are pussy manchildren pajama boi.

ok got in 1 job app today hahahahaha. hopefully a few more hehehehe.

got to go to job related TEST tomorrow. 9 am. yikes. a computer and software test. for the PT job that I already took a 90 minute written test on. and prob bombed because it had a lot of specific accounting question and since i havent taken accounting in 7 years, i cant remember debits and credits. but i got an A+ in accounting 1 AND 2. all that shit. bonds, stocks, debits, credits, cash flows, balance sheets, owners equity, reconciliations, depreciation, ledgers, journals, all that shit, i USED to know it. it is honestly a LOT of shit.

ldr. he wants to fight for it. he is very worried she just wants to give up and walk away without fighting.

oh you bad man. stop FIGHTING. its pathetic and creepy. just respect her wishes to say “meh” to a 5 year relationships. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS. stop trying to COERCE and PUSH her. just accept youre getting thrown away like yesterdays trash. which you are. accept it. respect it. RESPECT IT.

ITS NOT POSSIBLE TO RESPECT SOMEBODYS DECISION TO TREAT YOU WITH DISRESPECT!!!!!!!

this is why i hate the phrase respect her decision. i was accept it, but i absolutely will not respect it.

well, woman haters like me always SEE disrespect where there is none, right. any time a woman doesnt agree with you and exercises her own will is  disrespect right.

fook you!!!!

of course no one is really saying that, except the fake fictional fantasy evil woman “Stereotype” in muh head. and real women arent THAT shitty. in my head there lives the Shittiest Woman who ever lived hahahahaha. the donald trump uncle adolf shitlord of women hehehehehe.  just the evilest, stupidest, immature, 6000000 foot cranky baby with a 60000000 foot flamethrower, the stupidest, the sluttiest, the most emotional, worlds worst woman, pandora, delilah, jezebel, eve. the worst of everything.

i do like how trump hates The Media. because how could you not. admonishing the shit out of these sleazy, low down, dirty, bottom feeding “Skypes” hahahahahahahaha. i wonder if this is a RACIST DOGWHISTLE that he is joo-wise. because people that talk about (((THE MEDIA))) like that are sometimes joo-wise.

well you think anyone that works in real estate in NYC is joo-wise!!!!!!

oh wow. he just said “believe me the LAST THING i wanna do is invade her space” in reference to the idea that he was LOOMING over her like a horror movie villain cis white male at the 2nd debate.  IMHO it is kinda cocky to say something like this (“he is judging her physical appearance and implying womens worth is only in the phsyical and again talking in aggressive terms about aggressively invading and groping women etc”) so it is pretty AWESOME that in a mere 5 days, he has completely BTFO’d the grab em by the pvssy debacle. i mean he is back at the top of his game after like 2 days of contrition. beautifully played don. no i am not joking!!!!!!!!!!

i hate that women are allowed to make so many mistakes, over and over and over and over again, about the men they fook, do the life creation process with, its ok to make tons of mistakes and never learn from them and never be responsible. NO.

ive made a lot of mistakes, but i never made a mistake about the women i was interested in. well, somewhat i did, in that i shouldnt have been interested in a few of them, because they were crazy sluts. but what was MORE compelling was that they were Young, Cute, I saw them Regularly, they showed an interest in me, and I talked to them fairly smoothly. shit, all that combined was more than enough to outweigh Crazy and Slutty. because its not like i had women knocking down my door. i didnt have a SELECTION, a CHOICE.

and this is normal, natural. WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY, MEN ARE THE DEMAND.

so its a LOT more forgiveable when i “choose” a young pretty gurl even if she is tech a bad choice, because its not like i had a real choice. you go long periods of drought and then once every few years one woman pops up.

now women, they never have a drought. they have a pool they can pick from. so YES it IS bad that they keep making poor choices here. they have plenty of experience choice making. they make a new choice every few months. men get a non-choice popping up once every few years.  and also women can get pregnant, so the CONSEQUENCES of their choices are a lot more serious. so YEAH I resent them for makign bad choices over and over and over and over and over and over and never learning yet being given a new chance very frequently.

and it didnt always used to be this way!

i mean i cant REALLY hate women because theyre not responsible for any of this, the joos are. the joos ruined everything.

but honestly. how damn hard is it to keep your legs closed ya damn sluts????? so yeah i DO blame women for that. they arent totally helpless.

so, i hate women because they have hurt ME by beign crazy, promiscuous, immature, cowardly, cold, hehehhehe.

jeez the CEO of the bank i had the big interview for and job i really want to get looked at my linkedin profile cuz i looked at his yesterday. the fookin CIO or tech manager cant even look at my profile, but the god damn CEO. come on.

but like i say, when confronted with a real life woman who maybe has a past of being a crazy slut, hurting people, making terrible decisions….. i still treat the woman amazingly friendly, polite, non judgemental.

in other words, i THINK i hate all women, but i really just hate THAT Woman. and when i am alone and writing here, i think ALL women have the WORST traits of THAT woman. when its just not true.

also she didnt even have terrible traits. she had good intentions but not enough courage to do the mature thing. thats ALL. thats IT.

maybe it speaks to the disproportionate, extreme pain of “ghosting” itself? you might not INTEND to do it, but it can still cause a CRAZY amount of pain?

really this hadnt really been done to her. i mean yeah her father abandoned her but she basically grew up thinking he was a deadbeat. i think he appeared every once in a while but she never had a good, close, regular consistent rel with him, and i dont think either one of them WANTS to. he’s just some deadbeat who never really cared about her, but its not really a Total Ghosting, especially if they talk like once every 2 years or something hahahahaha. and also she was like a BABY when he left. there never was a time when he was around, being a good father.

her longterm ok boifran, he didnt Ghost Her. they just argued for months and then had a fairly mutual Break Up and continued to talk to each other a little bit afterwards. it didnt seem super hateful.

so yeah she didnt do this to me because it had been done to her. she just did it because she was THAT immature and cowardly that she couldnt handle talking to me WHATSOEVER. not even to send a text or email or have somebody else send a text or email.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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this is how women communicate hahahahahahaha

😂

hahahahahahaha the blacks love this one, and prob women too

👨‍👨‍👦

jejejejejejej

👦🏿🔫🌜

hehehehehe they would do this one on racist google hangouts sometimes hahahaha

so yeah really the bottom line, the takeaway is, i dont hate women in the real world as much as i think i do in my head. meaning, when it comes to these real sluts out there, i can view them as Human Beings and I treat them with Human Dignity hehehehe. I DO NO HARM to anyone. not nonwhites, not women. thats what antiracists and antisexists dont udnerstand. they think we are HATEFUL and want to HARM people. WRONG.

and then they say well youre being DIVISIVE. DIVISIVE. stop DIVIDING people and FOMENTING FEAR. LOVE NOT FEAR. stop this US VS THEM mentality.

no i just dont want weird violent foreigners in muh neighborhood. in muh city. or blacks. in the US we have a black problem and yeah that is related to Slavery. i still say, give em their own country in like louisiana or alabama or mississippi or something.

i mean right now, progressive whites are saying, yep its an objective fact, take a look at the balance sheet. whites have done more harm against blacks, latinos, nonwhites, whatever. whites are in power and whites abuse that power, and now they need to STEP DOWN and accept that nonwhites should have real power in Our Democracy, and also that whites have to make reparations, because whites did massive Crimes. and whites are STILL in power, and its only JUST to FIGHT that power. so i’m glad when affirmative action gives jobs to blacks and i dont get the job. thats a very unlikely situation anway. ive already got a good job. but im MORE than happy to start cheking and giving up my white privilege to make a more progressive, equal, fair, nonracist society!!!!!!!!

i know actual white leftists, this is how they think!

black cities are full of crime because whites KEPT THEM DOWN! whites wouldnt hire them for good jobs, whites wouldnt lend them money to start businesses adn create jobs, whites wouldnt let them live in white neighborhoods, redlining, blockbusting, thats why stuff like section 8 is a GOOD thing! white landlords not renting to blacks. the whites are TRAPPING the blacks, putting them back in chains!

this is insanely wrong and evil, so yes we must do our part to atone for these real sins!

ESPECIALLY if i take any pride in being White, then its even MORE reason to take responsibility for the BAD things whites have done, not just the GOOD things! (not that white leftists have ANY pride in being white)

why cant more songs on darkthrones new album be as good as “tundra leech”? that song is crammed with great riffs, and then there is a BIG dropoff. but that song made me think, damn this is one of the best Metal Songs of 2016. darkthrone STILL HAS IT!!!!!!! (not that ive listened to many 2016 metal songs!)

just have a LITTLE bit more black metal guys! or at least make all the songs as good as “tundra leech”! this is more black metal in the celtic frost sense rather than the transilvanian hunger sense.

(i am well aware “tundra leech” is a ridiculous name, but DT has been doing insanely ridiculous song titles since “straightening sharks in heaven” in 2004. which reminds me, “sardonic wrath” has an excellent production on it, but i can’t really say how good the songs are.)

so i guess clandestine blaze is the ideal replacement for darkthrone then right? i mean DT is obviously a huge influence for CB.

so yeah DT is always an interesting topic of conversation, really ALL their albums are different in some way, and fenriz would probably be a fun guy to Hang Out with.

but i also can’t understand making enough money to have children…..and then not having children, and living as a 44 year old adolescent. i mean its fine to listen to music, but music is his whole life.

but yeah same wiht like beethoven.

but beethoven was a little more Musically Significant than Fenriz tho, no?

sure……but fenriz is pretty damn significant. i mean he’s already left a legacy. maybe thats why he doesnt feel the need to have children. his music is his children! and it will live forever! ok ok i can get that, fine.

i mean shit. if i can come back to “plaguewielder” 15 years later and enjoy it, whos to say i wont be enjoying “the cult is alive” in 5 years hahahahha.

gotta get up at 615 am tomorrow yet i am doing social game tonight, wont get home till 1230 am, i mean if i had to WORK i would not do this! but i KNOW i dont have to be “ON” at my thing tomorrow morning. im not getting PAID. Im not WORKING. I guess it would be smart to Study for my Test. like what. study excel. study quickbooks. study accounting. study macros. just study shit for 4 hours so i can get 100% on the test. treat it like a College Maths Exam. I wouldnt be going out at night if i had a Math Exam the next morning!!!!!!!!

but i AM kinda butthurt at the org for making me jump through SO MANY goddamn hoops all the time. a 90 minute written test, a 90 minute excel test, and an interview, just to get put on a LIST for a PART TIME job. and then having to REPEAT this WHOLE process for every part time job you apply for. now its just like one every 3 months because thats how few job openings they have. im just sick of giving and never getting. going there to take interviews and tests for PT jobs every few months and NOTHING. like who do i have to suck off to get a PT job? how come stupid 18 year old gurls get PT jobs in certain departments? am i overqualified or do they just hate gaps? OR BOTH????

its a fact of fookin life, people get gaps sometimes. LONG GAPS. because so many employers are gapist hahahahahahahahaha.  but yeah gaps are literally the kiss of death and ive got it BAD. THAT WOMAN never had serious gap problems like i do. and people who dont have gaps just dont understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i address the gap directly in my cover letter. as of sept 2016 i do hahahahaha. i think this is a great move and i am grateful to the real life person who suggested it.

intimidated and insecure by Female Sexuality???

NO, I JUST DONT LIKE SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Theyre DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!

well, their sluttiness is disgusting. hate the sin, love the sinner hahahaha.

besides, i can get along just fine with women who have had Slut Pasts, provided I’m not trying to Start A Rel with them.  I would intentionally keep them at a distance, but I wouldnt be MEAN or impolite about it!!!!!!!

but i dont really care that the waitress who serves me is a slut! if anything i think, that poor girl, she’s got a horrible job, i could never do that, i will be nice to her and give her a good tip. TOUGH LIFE. maybe she’ll find a good man some day. but im not interested.

but yeah nature and nurture. when you see White Trash you think, i KNOW whites can do better than this. so maybe nurture IS more important than nature. there are total white trash neighborhoods, areas, trailer parks, etc. why cant some of them Rise Above a life of drugs, single mothers, deadbeats, bad boys, white trash? or are they a lesser subspecies of whites that were Born That Way? Irish? Italian? Polish? hahahahahaha. Squatting Slavs? Potato Eating Potato Negros????

COMMON COURTESY IS A REASONABLE EXPECTATION

sept 14

i dont WANT an EXPLANATION of WHY, I already know WHY, that’s nothing. I jsut wanted to be treated nicer, like a human being, like i mattered, like our Rel mattered, like it was an important rel between two human beings. sheeeeeit i already know WHY. the WHY is not important. I just wanted more kindness and gentleness and less ice coldness hahahaha. treat me and our Past Rel with DIGNITY.

i dont are about why. i already KNOW why. case closed. i just wanted to know what she was thinking regarding hurting me. did you really WANT to HURT me? and WHY was THAT?

other thing: besides being humiliated on a personal level, i felt humiliated on a woring level: i failed at this job, while she succeeded at the same job. She could handle it, I couldn’t. She’s moving up, I’m moving down. I cant handle REAL LIFE as good as her. She is a winner, i am a loser, and losers like me dont deserve to associate with winners like her. and maybe thats why she rejected me so brutally on a personal level. because i was just inferior scum in every conceivable way. i was like the slimiest, most scheming little sleazy greasy joo to her.

and i think abotu how women Botch Relationships and Emotioanlly Overreact (I screwed up TOO but she screwed up WAY more), and I think, how the hell can women do JOBS and make 13 dollars an hour??? you need to make GOOD decisions! you need to have a record of excellence! you need to communicate clearly and decisively! women cant do this shit! they are like a 50 foot baby with a flamethrower! how can they be mature enough to handle a 13 an hour job, LET ALONE a 20 dollar an hour job??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

she never made flashcards! she never looked at old cases! she never studied when she went home! she never did homework! yet i failed and she succeeded! I wanted to know how shit worked, she just said idk lol! and got a man to help her! and she is the winner and i am the loser at life! FOOK THAT SHIT!!!! FOOK THIS GAY EARTH.mov

maybe i should embrace hating women like i embracing being a racist.

so i thought, well i dont even HATE other races, i just dont think races can coexist all that well. but women of my own race annoy the shit out of me just as much or even more than people of other races!

and this is not good, i thought. it jsut doesnt feel like something natural or sustainable the way being a racist feels pretty natural. i dont really WANT To hate women in other words.

also, for a man like me who wants so much to be a father and have children…..i dont think its a good idea for a Good Father to HATE WOMEN!!!!!!!

Good Fathers don’t hate women, they get along with women and teach their children how to get along with women!

so yeah in order to level up to pull good women, i need to learn how to deal with low level trash women on okcupid hahahaha.

i guess muh goals in life were never specific enough. find a nice gf. that became find a nice gf and make her muh waifu. as i got older. then that became have children with the waifu. and also get a 13 dollar an hour job with benefits and weekends off that doesnt drive me crazy. that is all.

maybe GOD is not calling me to be a father though. or even to be married. some people are called to be SINGLE 4 LYFE. Its just very weird though. cuz some of my biggest goals were to be married, have children. now GOD is telling me that i’m WRONG??!?!?! these arent horrible ungodly things! GOD LUVS marriage and family and so do I!!!!!!

but maybe  this is not what GOD has meant for me and my life. which is frustrating, because, like i just said, god LUVS marriage and family!

so i thought that well, maybe i’m supposed to be single and childless and I can still support marriage and family by…..doing marriage and family related work. it just seems frustrating though. that all these people can get married, have families and children, some of them are totally shitty too. and i’m meant to SUPPORT families, but i’m not allowed to have a family myself? it sounds CRUEL and SADISTIC!!!! like TORTURE!!!!! God doesnt just TEST us, he TORTURES us!!!!!!!! why the hell CANT I have a family?

well, besides I am totally not ready for it. but i really should be at this age. I mean realistically i have too many ISSUES to be a husband and father. unfortunately. but its the truth.

also, i want to know if i did something terrible, SO I DONT DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

i dont want to fook things up this bad again!!!!!!

but again thats an unknown. most likely i didnt do anything horribly wrong, like lie or cheat where i really AM the bad guy at fault. sometimes that shit DOES happen. sometimes it IS your fault.  sometimes you ARE the bad guy.

it would have almost been better if she said YOUR THE BAD GUY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

heh. maybe.

i hate making mistakes, but i might hate NOT KNOWING if i made a mistake or not even MORE!

i mean if i ever get feelings for a friend again, i WILL handle it differently, namely, tell them assertively and quickly.

oh yeah. when women think “ALL GUYS LOOK AT PORN.”

WRONG! so yeah that is triggering. they havent met me yet! I dont look at porn because it is jooish filth that ruins women and men! poisons the mind and soul!!!! i actively do NOT watch porno and can’t imagine wanting to watch it EVER AGAIN!!!!!! its DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!

applied for 5th job today. army related job. administering asvab tests hahahaha. 15 an hour. found out it was casual/intermittent, meaning no benefits. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. thats the whole reason to get a fedgov job!

well i did not see that until i was 80% done with the grueling 16 minute application hahahaha.

NOTE: the first time you apply for a USAJOBS job, it will take MUCH longer to build your superresume, get all your shit together etc.

all guys do not look at porn, just the manly men you date hahahahaha

omega male sex negative neets think porn is disgusting degeneracy hahahahaha but we are invisible to women so…..

Women SHOULD be CAUTIOUS, they can get PREGNANT!!!!!

BE MORE CAUTIOUS! SHOW MORE CAUTION! DISCRETION!

how can someone with the maturity level of a CHILD make an ABOVE AVERAGE INCOME???? make WAY MORE THAN ME?

also it sucks when they are much more mature with other people, and super immature with you.

then you wonder, what did I do, so I don’t do it again!

but what you did was not super duper offensive, but just basic bitch communication mistakes.

besides, if you are doing something SUPER wrong, like lying or cheating…….you usually KNOW it, and you think, welp, I can GET AWAY with this, they’ll never find out. nothing like that here.

TEN dollar an hour job where posting calls for EIGHTY wpm typing. i have 60.

EIGHTY words a minute for TEN dollars an hour. 

wtf?

113 people applied, so i should apply too hehehehe.

i have a great SUPPORT SYSTEM, so why the hell am i so insecure and unstable and struggling and on the edge?

i have to remember, i dont hate all women. this woman i see at my weekly game, she is very nice and good and i like her and she doesnt annoy me. when i first met her, she kind of annoyed me a little but now i totally appreciate and like her. too bad i am not in luv with her hahahaha. i really didnt have any of that interest in her. not a slut either. darn near asexual which was starting to become weird…..but in the past few years she met a good decent man and they are getting married. pretty much a perfect situation there. he is pretty masculine and not a niceguy wimp pvssy like me, but i get the idea that he has morals and was not a degen womanizer at any point.

separate website for FBI jobs, they are not posted on USAJOBS………i dont think.

ok applied for gs05, 32k level job with air force. it specialist hahahahaha. now this is more like it. there are some fedgov bennies hahahaha. however no specific openings at my local air force base. might never be an opening hhehehe.

ok 6 jobs for today hehehe good enough.

well 7 would be better but i am getting back on the horse. i mean SHEEEEEEEIT, i might have to get to 600 jobs. at 600 i will start sucking dicks for recruiters until i become blacklisted by every recruiter in town. there are a lot of recruiters in town! sometimes it seems there are more recruiters than nonrecruiters hahahaha.

anyway im saying it would take MANY YEARS for me to burn through every recruiter in town.

but yeah it bothers me that a person can be more successful than me yet be a lot more immature than me…..and i am pretty immature.

also, i was the one putting myself out there. she wasnt really putting herself out there at all. she COULD HAVE. in the sense that it would have took some agency and initiative to Respond to the Request, and say Listen, I’m Not Interested, Let’s End this in a good way.

but no she just shut down entirely.

i did not shut down entirely regarding HER.

i did kinda shut down regarding my job and my life.

but its impossible to communicate or deal with a person who SHUTS DOWN.

basically, she shut down, I didnt. I was begging her not to shut down.

yeah, i shouldnt have BEGGED…….but jeez. if someone is begging you, just humor them. i dunno. ive never had anyone BEG me before. I imagine i would write them an email hahahahha.

SHE SHUT DOWN, I DIDNT.

you cant do anything with someone who shuts down. cant communicate, cant make the best of a bad situation. shutting down is abotu the worst communication there is. i did bad communication but not this bad. i didnt shut down.

how can SHE make more money than me and be more successful at life than me???!?!?!?!?!

and in relships too. she had a 4 year relship that could have resulted in marriage. i have never had a long term monog committed rel with a woman, ever.  that in itself is a damn red flag to women, and i have to damn lie about it essentially, or just avoid talking about it.

but i also feel like i havent been given a fair CHANCE. give me a CHANCE and dont GIVE UP and WALK OUT on me. im not THAT bad!!!!!!!! i honestly believe that! im not perfect but im not THAT bad!!!!!!!

i dont SHUT DOWN. I’ll write you a longass email before I shut down. Or leave you a 5 minute voice mail of me rambling. i will tell you whats on my mind in great detail!!!!!!!!! look at this blog!!!!!!

http://www.theabsolute.net/misogyny/onwomen.html

dont look for a redpilled woman, you wont find a decent one. just find a nice decent wholesome woman who has not taken too many dix and you can make her redpilled.

i have known this for a while, i am very comfortable being the red pill person hahahaha. just want a wholesome, moral, decent, nice, woman, thats all.

fook politics, fook redpills, fook race, fook music, fook taste, fook coolness. dont sweat the small stuff hehehe.

she will prove her race loyalty simply by not being interested in fooking nonwhites. and OF COURSE she WILL say something like “but Im not racist, i swear!” im not so autistic any more that I want a woman to say “yes Im proud to be a racist!” for a woman, thats just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!! for a man, its pretty cool tho.

its very similar to when i was young, i thought it would be so cool to find a waifu who liked METAL. now im smart enough to know that would be a fooking clusterfook. it would be similar to find a full on 1488 waifu. they would prob be bipolar, borderline, and fooking ingras in 6 months.

note: i don’t think That Woman was Over the line crazy like that. she was acceptable levels of normie female crazy. she just greatly disappointed me is all. she is still way less evil than average. a good person who did something very disappointing to me. shit i would take her back in an instant hahahahaha.

i mean women are just not good at making real world judgments and doing things in the real world. yet they make shitloads more money at jobs in the real world. when they have no real SKILL in the real world! i mean when it comes to SERIOUS shit in the real world,  you’d be a fool to trust a woman! they jsut dont have it! and i dont say that to be mean! its just the way it is! its just not a good match for them! their skill set is elsewhere! namely, raising children. and heres the thing, that can of course be extremely compromised as well. in the current year. so many times it appears that many women are good for absolutely NOTHING.

i mean many women in the real world are literally good for absolutely nothing. its sad and horrifying and it didnt have to be that way.

and that woman, she was not one of those worthless women. like i say, i hurts a lot more to be rejected by the good, decent women. those are the ones that take longest to get over. because something of great value was lost. as opposed to something of no value. or negative value hahahaha.

i guess i should meditate on this real life woman i know who is not a piece of garbage, but actually a decent, good, wholesome, moral person. nope she is not redpilled, nope she is not politically minded, yes she likes the worst music and tv shows and movies ever.  but she has good morals, has lived according to those morals, and would make a good wife and mother. perfect. i am not attracted to her but i wish I were. well actually not, because she is getting married and good for them i say. its about time. really she’s getting married a little late at like age 29 or 30, but better late than never in her case.

so whenever i think of That Woman, i should replace her with thoughts of This Woman. Yes.

and i dont think even if you cut muh balls off it would even help. my secsual libido is not the problem. its loving people who are gone, unavailable, and never luved me.

ok want to get in at least 2 applications before my afternoon powerwalk hahaha.

ok got in 3 but they were so low energy. local shitty hospital using ultipro ATS. it kinda incentivizes low energy applications. 3 to 5 minutes each. can only have one resume/packet on there at a time. ideally this is ideal, and employers wouldnt care if you only took 3 minutes on an app vs 30 minutes. but of course they do. and if you spend only 3 minutes, you will get screened out.

yeah tv is really triggering. i usually have it on as background noise……..but i really SHOULDNT. this is not a value added strategy hahahaha.

got 3 apps in real quick. the jobs.com site said full time but 2 were ACTUALLY part time. i dont think this is intentional. i think it is just basic incompetence from whoever manages the jobs.com postings. basic bitch not knowing how to do your job so you just Fudge It and pretend like you know what youre doing…..even though you have no idea of best practices. this is very common. this is the norm hahahaha. norm 4 normies. normies gonna norm hahahahaha.

ok time for powerwalk.

ok did 4.18 mile pwalk. listened to azzmador talking with grandpa lampshades.

ok this isnt the exact one but i should listen to this one.

they are both total laid back southern gentlemen, i have difficulty telling them apart hahahaa except azzmador has a slightly deeper voice. but i love this laid back, polite, friendly, southern hospitality.

very j00 wise alt right type guys who each do their own podcasts but not on trs. but i am sure they approve of trs. they are not renegade tier or anything hahahahaha.

heh. if i am going to have children i cant afford, i might as well do that with some woman i am madly in luv with and would never want to leave hahahaha. of course she could veyr well want to leave me!

because honestly i cant EVER imagine being ABLE to afford children!

heh. i could probably smoke MJ all day, then take the next 2 days off, and then my system would be clear to pass a drugs test. thats pretty good right?

ok how about 3 days.

really the best think i can do is powerwalking hahaha. i wish i was as good about lifting. but powerwalking is my strength, muh skill set, and i want to be the best powerwalker i can be hahaha.

the other thing i naturally do is writing this trash……………… and tbh the powerwalking is a lot BETTER FOR ME.

the writing CAN be good SOMETIMES but it can EASILY go both ways.

the walking cannot. the walking is ALWAYS good. cant go wrong. win win.

these women are NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. the horrible lives they lead. the empty, shallow relationships. the things they value. MORAL INVERSION. NIHILISTIC and SOCIOPATHIC. treating people like OBJECTS.

i have been antsy since not having an interview is a while. and i am at 18.5 and i need to get to at LEAST 25. meaning 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24 are all gonna be worthless. other than getting me one closer to magic 25.

but 25 isnt magic! like i say, on the whole, i feel i do PRETTY GOOD on interviews! i mean i dont SLAM DUNK it, but i still feel i do well enough to get an offer before 25!

bridget jones baby? a 50 year old slut with tons of grotesque plastic surgery creating a miserable innocent life out of her 50 year old adolescent sluttery? absolutely disgusting! if i didnt have the tv on i would never have seen that bullshit movie commercial!

women cannot give good advice basically. if you ever need HELP with figuring something out, god forbid you go to a woman. they might mean well, but my god they cannot give good advice. they MIGHT mean well though. that does count for something. but dear god dont take their awful advice. what makes /r/relships so shitty is all the WOMEN chiming in with their shitty advice. i need a MEN ONLY forum. but not necessarily a MGTOW or got forbid GAME forum. but 99% of Men Only forums are going to be MGTOW, MRA, or Game.

well, not TRS though. but TRS doesn’t have a relationship section. but they should hahahahaha.

MAYBE I SHOULD START IT hahahahaha.

I think it would go over better than me starting a Neet Section.

but I DO like having a Neet Blog which is very Alt Right!

like women will tell you that college and career is more important than a rel, and encourage people to break up just because theyre YOUNG and those early relships NEVER work out, you have a chance for a great FUTURE by getting into a Top 50 school, so just break up with so and so even though u luv them. bullshit advice like that.

women are so BLUE PILL on things like college. they were encouraging another woman who had left a 45k a year job so she could go back to COLLEGE and become a TEACHER. holy SHIT.  thats exactly the kind of bad advice women give. because you’ll be so glad you got your teaching degree and now make 20k a year with part time sub jobs and no health care. babysitting feral black chirren.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52xouc/recently_my_girlfriend_20_f_and_i_19_m_of_25/

not a lot of commentary right now. but i want more people to say yeah she is really an ice cold bitch, not “it doesnt matter, youre not entitled to anything.” no, of course he’s not, but IT WOULD BE NICE if she could DIGNIFY A 3 YEAR RELSHIP by not meeting these sleazy new friends, staying up till 6 am, going on tinder right in front of him. show some COURTESY for the HEART you are breaking and the Long Term Relationship you are Single Handedly Ending, I would tell her.

dont tell him “its over, get over it.”

yes of COURSE he should go no contact but give him some moral support at least. damn. judge her behavior as shitty and sleazy!!!!!!! judge her as the bad guy here!!!!!! because she is!!!!!!!!!!!

now i dont talk too much shit about That Woman. Sometimes sure. but not overall. most of this is just me grieving and moaning and whining. but i can’t say what a shitty person she was…….because she wasnt. she was honestly a good decent wholesome person who just dropped the ball here and disappointed me greatly. but it wasnt because she was a shitty, horrible person. she just fight or flight and shut down. she could be a great wife and mother to a different man.

ok i turned off the tv and am listening to beethovens 1st symphony. not sure why. just wanted some classical music symphony fast. something that wasnt too jooish. and that is a symphony.

she doesnt NEED to consider your feelings. again, technically correct, but to tell the guy that…..that is weak womanly advice. no, she doesnt need to, but she SHOULD, after 2-3 YEARS, show him some god damn COMMON COURTESY.

COMMON COURTESY IS A REASONABLE EXPECTATION.

https://bu.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/52wdvu/i_31m_am_having_an_extremely_hard_time_moving_on/

she wants to be just friends, he thinks he needs to go no contact and cant do just friends because she broke up with him and he still wants her. he sees her at bar, is drunk, gets emotional, now he’s the bad guy. come on. meanwhile she’s tweeting about fooking strangers off tinder. god damn. so he’s supposed to be cool with the love of his life dumping him and fooking randos. and hes the bad guy for getting upset once. come on.

COMMON COURTESY from the woman is a reasonable expectation. not tweeting about EVIL DEGENERATE NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATHIC casual secs and being a filthy, degenerate whore. he has every right to be upset. yes he should go no contact.

so yeah. whatever happened to common courtesy. human decency. early termination fee. treat the person youre dumping with respect and kindness because THIS HURTS THEM.

casual secs IS unqualifiably degenerate, and she wants to throw away something good and wholesome, to do degenerate filth. of course he has a right to be upset.

at the very least she shouldn’t be pushing him to be friends, to understand that he is hurt, and needs no contact.

what did SHE do when Chad dumped her? probably some really shameful things trying to get chad back! and then fooked a bunch of casuals when chad laughed in her face!

now she’s pissed at the guy SHE dumped because he’s having a hard time with it? what a fookin coont!!!!!

and when this bitch on reddit says yeah you did act like an asshole, he responded with yeah i know i feel so bad about it, i know i should apologize to her etc etc. i downvoted the bitch hahaha.

common courtesy. human decency. part of the social contract of having a relship is NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END THE REL.

HAVING THE RIGHT TO SINGLE HANDEDLY END THE REL SHOULD COME WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF NOT BEING A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU END IT. 

so many women didnt get that memo. too immature.

and i dont care if i am making a should statement. THIS SHOULD BE A SHOULD STATEMENT!!!!!

STAND FOR SOMETHING OR YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING.

STAND UP FOR WHATS RIGHT, GOOD, JUST, TRUE, AND BEAUTIFUL.

DONT BE A PIECE OF SHIT.

DONT BE A NIHILISTIC SOCIOPATH.

DONT BE A JOO.

now that is the type of lecturing i can support!

i would be a great lecturer. sermonizer.

oh but they broke up 4 months ago so everybody should be KEWL, thats plenty of time to get comfortable with the love of your life dumping you, without willing to work on it, and fook randoms, and youre the bad guy to get upset at that and not want to be her platonic friend and hear about her degen secs life. god damn fooking degenerates. i am this close to private messaging the guy and telling him he is totally in the right and not to listen to that bitch that said “he definitely fooked up”. fook that bitch!

RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES.

you HAVE to include the Ending Terms in their too.

THE ENDING IS PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

so yeah it IS her concern, it IS her business. if she can end it on her whim, then she has to put forth good faith, good will, and effort to do the WORK necessary to end it at her whim. and that involves human decency, common courtesy, and not being a piece of shit. wow. i guess if you ask for that, then you are the bad guy.

you’re the bad guy if you think casual secs is degenerate and bad and a terrible way to finish off a beautiful LTR.

cuz its all the same, theres no good or bad or right or wrong.

and this is 30 year old people with professional careers, level 2 and above making 60k a year, saying all this disgusting shit.

FOOK THIS GAY EARTH!

and she has NO IDEA why the guy is upset! unbelievable! a 29 year old woman with the maturity of a 12 year old and she makes more money than i ever will!!!! unbelieveable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED!!!

DUMP PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE DUMPED!!!!!

how can all these WOMEN not even BEGIN to understand that????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

no not all women. but a good 50% of them hahahahaha.

half of them are in this basket of deplorables hahahahahaha

its amazing you have to shout these Things I Learned In Kindergarten to Grown Fooking Women.

well remember its not all women. only HALF of women, hahaha.

oh but the ending isnt part of the relationship, these sneaky little j’s claim. i dont have ANY responsibilities the second i say “im done” and walk out.

that is an extremely JOOISH view of humanity and human relations. all these sneaky little loopholes, just like a joo trying to joo you out of service. sorry goy thats not in the contract. here’s the thing, there is no real contract. no exchanges, no refunds, no service, thanks for the money, chump!

theyve turned our women into sneaky little joos!!!!!!

i dont want to talk to women, i dont want to read womens stupid thoughts. the only time i will listen to a woman is if she is being NICE and PLEASANT. women CAN be good at that when they want to be. having just utterly harmless, charming, nice small talk, just being damn NICE. its really not that hard. doesnt take a lot of effort, energy, or creativity. just be nice. dont be an annoying, unscrupulous joo.

sept 2016: i keep hearing hearsay that millennial woes got a ladyfriend and that it is makign him more confident and masculine. I HOPE SO!!! GOOD FOR YOU LAD!!!!!!

I luv MW but havent listened to him lately cuz i dont luv the hangouts. anyway i would be VERY happy if he got a nondegen waifu, he DESERVES a good waifu, and indeed it would help him become an even better man…..as waifus can potentially do. shit it would help ME!

sept 16

yeah so i dont care that mw had a gay past, except that it makes him kinda neurotic and despairing and has consequences for his current mental/emo health, but he can certainly mitigate those consequences, and i believe he has done that. now i just hope his gf isnt a degen bitch who dumps him and breaks his heart because that could really set him back. i know. hahahahaha. remember he also fell in luv with a WOMAN before and when she rejected him, that broke his heart for YEARS and that hurt him a LOT. ive been there hahahaha.

i mean yeah this is what i am obsessed with. muh white whale. muh wheelhouse. relships between men and women. period. that is what i should do my career in. period.

so funny. for most normies this is just an accepted part of life. you get a gf and bang and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt, but you just keep going until at age 25 you find someone you could probably marry and then you marry them, have children, and maybe they divorce you in 5-10 years.

but theres no need to study and obsess and analyze because you know you have the tools to be in a serious LTR because you’ve been in them before or you’re in one now!

since i have never been, i just don’t know that i have the Tools. and that is part of my obsession, studying How Women Are, and How Men Are, and the nuts and bolts of communication, problem solving etc.

when REALLY, i probably ALREADY HAVE the Tools i need, i just havent found the right woman. who is willing to let me use those tools hahaha.  because they were never WILLING. they were not OPEN, they just wanted to WALK AWAY. because they Just Werent That Into Me. but it they WERE, then I would have the Tools and the Communication Skills to make it last at least a year!

but yeah these normie women are like ROBOTS. date a guy, fook him, fall in “luv”, get some abortions, fall out of luv, dump him, and IMMEDIATELY start the whole process again with a new guy. it sounds both EXHAUSTING and DISGUSTING. how can you do that? how can people be so interchangeable to you? how can this “closeness” be so casual and meaningless????!!?!?! its NIHILISTIC AND SOCIOPATHIC!!!! and exhausting and disgusting hahaha and grotesque and horrifying, very blackpill.

but maybe IM the fooked up one because i take this shit too SERIOUSLY!!!!! and when i get heartbroken it takes TWO YEARS to get over them! whereas with NORMIES it takes 2 months before they are fooking other degens!

hehehehe i luv muh waifus literally TWELVE TIMES more than normie degen women luv their men!!!!!

but yeah it makes me think that normie degens incl half of women just dont Luv People the same way I do. or at least at much less of an intensity. And when the difference in Degree is Twelvefold, it may as well be a difference in Kind!!!! a different kind of luv!!!!!!!!

and how do you have a real sustainable LTR when you luv them TWELVE TIMES more than they luv you??!?!?!

that gives them absolute power over you and spells IMMINENT DOOM for the rel. period. they WILL leave you and you WILL be devastated for the next 2 years. what a terrible way to LIVE hahahaha.

basically i need to find another WEIRDO whos luv meter is turned way up to 12 in order to have a lasting thing where i dont get dumped because a huge interest mismatch!!!!

heh all this is not productive writing at all. it is pretty much a nonstop circle of Negative Thoughts. and i need to Rip Out negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts, by any means necessary.

even at the expense of Truth!

like how i should replace all thoughts of That Woman with This Other Woman I know who is very very nice and wholesome and is getting married soon. just cut and paste. i should also cut and paste with some sort of positive replacement to the negative thoughts that FILL this blog.

powerwalking is good.

well, not ALL of this post is bad!

WHEN I AM MAKING SERMONIZING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, those are usually pretty good. even the righteous anger ones. there is nothing inherently negative about righteous anger!

despair, however, yes. that is INHERENTLY BAD.

righteous anger good. despair bad.

so, when i am going into despair or other negative realm, then switch it with something positive: thinking of this wholesome woman, statements of righteous anger, powerwalking, or something productive like Job Searching. cranking out the Apps. getting closer to 500-600. how about 550 hahahahahaha.

job apps themselves cause both righteous anger (good) and despair (bad.) i guess the solution there is, once again, maximize the good and minimize the bad.

turn the brain from a negative thought machine, to a negative thought killing machine!!!!!

so here is a remaster of ulvers classic nattens madrigal. i dont usually like remasters and i dont have anything against the intentionally raw production of the original, which is really not that bad………BUT my concern is literally for hearing and ear health. you could literally damage your hearing with this album, even though it is actually very clear in terms of being able to comprehend and ingest the music. and is quite listenable!

but that high end is just so maxed out that it hurts the ear. i feel this 2014 remaster might be a bit more forgiving while jsut as listenable.

its also got demo versions of some of the tracks which is great. the demos sound great EXCEPT they dont have any vocals, and garm was truly a gifted BM singer.

it just sucks thinking that all of your life goals:  getting a good waifu, having children, and having a job to support that family that doesnt drive you to self-destructive madness, that all these goals are out of your reach. the best you can hope for is a 12 dollar an hour deadend job and then you get your outside-of-work satisfaction by smoking MJ, powerwalking, listening to podcasts and music, and dnating to 1488 causes. which are not bad things, well probably the MJ is, but you just cant stop thinking about the nice waifu and the family you want to have, but youre just too old and fooked up to be able to attain that.

ok stop those are despairing thoughts, lets replace them with righteous anger or job seraching or powerwalking or other positive thoughts or actions.

well i just came back from a 4.2 miles powewalk. listened to natt’s alcoholocaust ep 1 which wasnt as good as i expected. its just a mess and i cant even understand the bantz. i mean these are all good guys but still.

garm was 20 years old when they did nattens madrigal damn. now did he actually write the guitar riffs and such? i mean that is pretty important to me hahahaha. or was it that guy haavard who went on to do nothing special afterwards? i am sure garm knows how to handle a guitar, its really not hard, the important thing is having some sense of songwriting skill, which i never really had, and which i am sure he does.

ok i am gonna apply to this health system job, and while doing so, update my cover letter, which will add about 15 minutes or 10 to the apply time, but i have to measure this WORK somehow. because it is important, measureable, billable, measureable, timeable work that I am totally entitled to COUNT.

un fooking believeable. a super huge application, already at 45 minutes, longest ever, doing a phaggy ass personality test and intelligence test, when the internet goes out in the middle of the test. i am actually happy to do intelligence tests to prove that i am intelligent, and if it gives me like a 1 in 10 chance of getting an interview (as opposed to the usual 1 in 25 chance)….but god damn this is frustrating.

had to reboot compt to get internet connected again. i blame windows 10. 77 minutes total. a new record!

ok. assuming 15% of the job application time could be added to calculated how much time it takes to FIND the jobs (ie, going through lists, reading postings, and decided yes i should apply, vs, no way, dont even waste your time), in other words, about 2 minutes for every 13 minute application, ie 15 minutes total; and 1.5 hours spent on each interview (prob a little low tbh; we are including travel time, interview time, and im not sure about prep/study time), for 18.5 interviews, and 418 applications, we are up to  132 hours total for the entire job search. really a little LOW tbh fam. on $1716 worth of time at $13 an hor, although more realistically my price should be more like 12 an hour.

sorry i meant 419 jobs so far. please dont fire me.

so i was listening to the am grey podcast on feminism, and adams waifu said she was disturbed seeing a man and a woman holding hands where the womans hand was on top, and they used that as a powerful symbol that men are passive and not leading anymore.

i thought DAMN, the women I’ve been associated with would just DUMP ME before even GETTING to that point!!!!!

they wouldnt stick around long enough to LET that happen! they would have ALREADY dumped me for being a wimpy passive spineless doormat!

so why are these women not just walking out on these men? wouldn’t they get disgusted the first time they put their hand on top, and say, im done with you, you weak wimp?

that was what i was asking. i have been dumped for MUCH LESS. why are these women staying with these phaggots in the first place?

i cant even remember how i held hands with women, its been like 11 years since i held hands with a woman hahahaha.

saw a profile picture on soundcloud of somebody who photoshopped dat boi into the famous vietnam photo of the running people being napalmed and the little naked girl. dat boi had replaced the naked girl.

ok finally found it

2016-09-16_20h39_22

YOURE WELCOME hahahahaha

updated Standard Cover Letter with Sentence explaining Employment Gap. ok there. not much more I can do about that. But I think its a small, maybe larger than small, improvement on something that was already damn good and should be more than enough to get me a 13 an hour job.

ok i swear i wont go lower than 12 an hour hahahaha.  so i guess i am at 12-13 now depending on my mood hahahaha.

good thing SHE is making like 16 an hour!

but i dont know that!

but there’s a 75% chance she is!

ok so what does it MATTER then?

because like i said 100000000000000000 times, i dont like her BEATING me at the game of life!

why not?

because i hate her proving she is BETTER than me.  because it adds INSULT TO INJURY.

why?

because she injured me, now she is insulting me.

why?

see now we are getting into the circular part.

yeah i know THEORETICALLY it doesnt matter.

but IN THE REAL WORLD, it ABSOLUTELY DOES MATTER how much money people make, and how women view men who make less money than they do. they view them as totally worthless and inferior.

i dont view people in those terms. but im not a woman. im not PROGRAMMED to care about status in that way!

i mean as a male i do care about ranking and hierarchy………but not in that same visceral sexual or loving way. i know what peoples status is In The Real World, but I know it has no real bearing on their worth as a person.

but it has VERY REAL BEARING on their worth in the MATING MARKET!!!!!!!!1

and the mating market is VERY important to me because one of my MAIN LIFE GOALS is to find  a good wife and have CHILDREN!!!!!!!!

so thats WHY all this shit MATTERS so much!!!!!!!

i am apparently an abuser because i notice slutty behavior and call sluts sluts. thats what abusers do. nonabusers dont have the word slut in their vocabulary hahahaha.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER SAID FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER

821

i just want to make clear that i am not condemning her as a person for ghosting me because i think she intended to just give me the cold shoulder for a while, and didnt premeditatedly intend to hurt me, and then my overreaction to the cold shoulder made it develop into a ghosting which she really never intended. so all this is really my fault 100% hahahahahaha. anyway she is not a cold blooded repeat ghoster. but i couldnt even handle a cold shoulder and then it slippery sloped into a ghost. but i think the cold shoulder is a relative of the ghost. they are both forms of AVOIDANCE. cowardly avoiding elephants in rooms.

817

well this is the most beautiful email/thing ever written from one person to another. i will try diligently to scrub all personal information so that will make it more incoherent. she will prob never read this but i feel it is a great example of love, albeit one sided love, but still shows what love is, and how much one person can care for another, how deeply we can be hurt, and how our emotions and love are stronger than normalfag nonmonogamous cheaters who just use and abuse people like disposable garbage meat. but not us!

821

it is creepy and mentally ill and violent and abusive to go on the internet and abuse someone by airing private laundry.  but i do so to vindicate myself in some way, and to provide Comfort For The Ghosted.

I don’t think I deserved to Get Ghosted. I think the things I asked for in my Post Ghosting Email were not unreasonable, given the fact that we had a history, we used to respect each other, and even if I was sort of lying about Fully Accepting That It’s Over, because I will always Want Her Back, and therefore will try not to write any more emails, it took this email for me to learn that. and 90% of what I write echoes the sentiment of REASONABLE people who RIGHTFULLY dislike and frown on the immature, rude, disrespectful behavior of Ghosting.

And I echo REASONABLE sentiments about Communciation, Respect, Basic Human Courtesy, that Ghosting rudely spits in the face of.

If anything I was TOO nice about it! I had more of a right to get Righteous Indignant in Demanding my Satisfaction!

It would be bad karma if I tried to expose who she was or who i am. I don’t want anyone to know who we are. just anonymous americans hahahaha who could live in any town in any state. both i or she could be your friend or relative. i dont wish her major ill will in life……i just wish she had treated me more respectfully. and i think she does deserve to not feel GOOD about this, it should cause her some guilt to hurt another person in this way, when it could have been so easily avoided. but it is not my right to dole out that guilt.  but i do want to use this email to tell a story about Ghosting, Rejection, Communication.  but i AM very concerned about karma and i dont want to bring bad karma…….to myself hahahahahahaha. by publicly dragging her through the mud.

but i do want to publicly show an 90% anonymous Story of Ghosting and How I was Justified in wanting Basic Human Respect, and Open Direct Communication, about an issue that was affecting both of us.

hey i hold no grudge against her. i want the best for her and her life. she was just a good person doing a bad thing which hurt me deeper than i have been hurt in many years. and to prove to jezebel journalists that not all guys who get ghosted deserve it, because then they go on huge twitter rants after they get ghosted, trying to run the ghost through the mud by name.

well being rejected this harshly would make the most secure person upset and angry! that doesn’t PROVE youre an abusive monster!

i just am insecure about that because i while i dont have any iron clad proof I AM an abusive monster, I dont have any proof im NOT an abusive monster either. Which would be a Happy Healthy Long Term RElationship that began and ended without any abuse by me.

well i never abused this woman during 3 years of Friendship, that should mean something.

[edit: i didnt mean i wanted an award because its SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT to never abuse a woman jsut even once. doesnt everybody get one? hahahaha. NO. i MEANT that there is such MISANDRY in the current year, that sick degen marxist journalists and commentators want to paint ALL MEN as abusers. patriarchy and rape culture and shit. so that even Big Softies like me are ABUSING WOMEN WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT. BULLSHIT. you want a rape culture look at the #rapeugees which are gang raping women in europe. #refugeesnotwelcome hahahaha. basically i meant that if you are in a state of low self confidence, as you may be when devastatingly dumped, you may be very TRIGGERED by anti-male writing like jezebel that insists that you DESERVE shitty treatment because you had internalized misogyny that you used to abuse women without even knowing it, you were the bad guy here, you made her do this, you caused this, you made the choice and brought this on yourslef. BULLSHIT. ]

but even if i was not abusive, i was TOXIC, which is PRE-ABUSIVE and means you WILL be abusive.

this is why you must NEVER read jezebel journalists, or ANY professional journalists. it si pure POISON that requires a lot of STRENGTH and SECURITY to withstand, and we just aren’t that secure yet. so just stay away from it. vomit it out and stay away from it.

 

///////

This is a REALLY long email, but I just had a few things I needed to express. Please read this (doesn’t need to be all at once, it’s ridiculously long!) and think about it; and please respond someday, even if just a short email in the future, and most of all, please don’t hate me. [i will add current commentary in square brackets. ok see i was too nice about not wanting to be hated.]  Let’s try to end this in the best way possible, rather than the worst way possible. [yes. directly saying what i wanted. theres a better way to end this.]

I probably won’t send any more. But writing these does help me to move on, and to let go, to get a sense of closure, and to be able to say some things I want to say. I don’t think they are better left unsaid; I also think that saying them does not bring bad karma to either you or me. I want to be really careful not to bring any more pain to either of us.

Hope you are doing ok. I just wanted to say I will always be willing to talk to you at any time in the future, if you ever want to talk. [by being so nice i really do not stand up for my self so well, i act like somebody who does not want or deserve respect. i was still thinking i was The Only Bad Guy because I Pushed her too hard and Scared Her. or Annoyed Her.]

I was angry at how you seemed to turn your back on me. I don’t know if you meant to hurt me, but I sure never meant to hurt you. I just wish you had said something, like “sorry but I don’t share your feelings” or “please don’t talk to me for a few months” or something. I never wanted to make you hate me like this. It’s fine if you don’t share my feelings, but please don’t hate me. I’m not a bad guy or a horrible person or an evil abuser or sociopath. [all very true!]

I know I was ridiculous and just too much to handle, but I don’t think what I did was bad enough for you to hate me forever, and for things to end in this way. I felt that your reaction of not responding to me at all would be more appropriate if I had done something extremely cold or cruel to you, like cheated on you, betrayed you, abandoned you, or abused you, and I really don’t think I did any of that. I just wanted to express my true feelings to you, and have a direct, honest conversation about it. [yep another decent paragraph]

I accept that it’s over. But it doesn’t need to end so badly and hurtfully. We can still end it in a mutually respectful, compassionate, humane way. [well i accepted in my MIND that its over but not in my heart. in my heart of hearts i still want her. but no lie about wanting to end it in a mutually respectful way! although now MY respect for HER is waning because of the way she treated it and gave ME no respect!]

We once had a great friendship, and we are still both decent, good-hearted people who deserve respect from each other. When you turned away from me, I felt that you were saying that our entire past friendship was worthless, and I don’t think that’s true at all. Our friendship meant a lot to me. I don’t think I betrayed it or canceled it out by getting feelings. I couldn’t help getting feelings. But that meant that things did need to change. But I think we can handle that change so that neither of us gets hurt too much. Right now I am really hurt by the idea that you hate me and maybe think I betrayed you. I feel you are treating me like a monster, and probably you don’t mean to do that, and that’s all my perception. But that’s still how I feel. I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t think I was a monster. [true statements, but again i am bowing down too much like a supplicator]

It’s ok that things need to end. We just have different feelings towards each other, want different things from each other. This is just a part of life that everybody goes through, I’ve gone through it before. But my point is, we can end things peacefully and kindly, rather than cold, angry, and bitter. [TRUTH!!!!!!!!]

We can end things with a better sense of closure than this. It won’t take away all the pain and disappointment, but I guarantee it will make both of us feel a lot better over the long run. I’ve experienced disappointments both with and without closure, and with closure is a million times better. [TRUTH!]

Please let’s try to have better closure. Just tell me you don’t hate me, and can treat me like a human being, and that our friendship meant something to you, and that you believe me when I say it was not a fake, because that is the absolute truth. [the not hating me really doesn’t matter, its the not treating me with respect that is the problem. treat me like a human being. that part was direct. and the friendship WAS very important to me! thats why this ghosting hurt so much, and was so shocking!]

We don’t need to have a long conversation, although I’m more than willing to. I’ve said a lot of what I really wanted to say. Really I just want some assurance from you that you will not hate or be angry at me or remember me negatively; and that our past friendship meant something to you. [you see how i candy coat things a little to be nice, but you can also see the truth of what i was saying too. you can say intense things in a nice way, which was all i was trying to do by saying “please dont hate me,” even though it techincally is “supplicating”]

I could see you being so angry because maybe you thought that whole past friendship was fake, and that I betrayed all that and threw it all away, but I don’t think that’s the case, at all. It was very real to me, and I wanted to address my new feelings as soon as they happened, so they wouldn’t become a problem. [total truth!!!! total vindication! saying things like this is why i wrote these emails! because we couldnt communicate about this stuff together!] Also I was afraid to discuss the topic of your relationships with you, but I don’t see that as me lying, being fake, or betraying you. [kinda unclear, but referred to me dancing around certain topics with her, like her “new boyfriend.”]

Also I understand you being scared and frightened by my weird, creepy behavior, which was just too overwhelming, and impossible to respond to. That’s very understandable! [yeah yeah yeah i guess, whatever. so i was pushy. she could have said SOMETHING. we knew each other for almost 3 years, we USED to communicate.] All I can say to that was that I’m not perfect, I don’t communicate in the best way, I was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety and desperation and was emotionally compromised, but I never, ever wanted to betray you or make you hate me. [i was under a lot of stress, i felt like a nervous breakdown, still not over that, it will take 600 days hahaha]

I know I annoyed you a LOT, and I scared you too. I would be scared if someone acted that way toward me! [i guess i was manipulative as well as supplicating with my “forced empathy” right? making me the 100% bad guy who desereved to get ghosted. ] I know I made mistakes, and did not communicate very well at all, but when you pushed me away and stopped talking to me entirely, and unfriended me, and blocked me, I felt really hurt. It will take me a long time to get over that. I’m still hurting. I don’t know if you ever read these emails or if you just deleted them immediately, or set up email to delete them automatically, but I hope you can listen to me now with the same sense of compassion and kindness which we showed each other during the times when our friendship was strong. [very good points. along with the cringeworthy pvssy stuff, there are lots of very good solid points in here]

I didn’t intend to kill our friendship by getting feelings, and I could understand if that’s why you’re so angry. I just couldn’t help getting feelings. You can’t choose when or who you get feelings for. To pretend those feelings didn’t exist and try to go on with the friendship, now that would be a true fake and a lie. It is really painful to lose such a good friendship, and maybe that’s how you feel. That would be sort of good actually, because at least then I would know that you thought our friendship was worth something. It sure was worth a lot to me! It hurts me to lose it too, but I was at a crossroads, and I felt it was better karma in the long run to live honestly, and confess my feelings to you, rather than live a lie, and have our friendship become a lie. That would be the real betrayal. [well i dont know if it would be “the real betrayal”, like i said, this thing isnt 100% PERFECT, because you gotta be 100% PERFECT in order to have a job or a decent relationship hahahaha]

Of course this had to change/affect our friendship. When one person gets feelings in a friendship, it can’t not change things. Things have to change, even end. It will be painful and difficult. But I think they can still end peacefully, with respect on both sides. I will always have respect for you, but I feel like you hate me and see me as less than human, like I am a horrible rapist psycho sociopath, or total piece of shit deadbeat. I cannot handle that. I can handle you not sharing my feelings though. [yes sir, good paragraph. like i said, there is tons of good shit in here that DID get my point across, and which any self respecting person would agree with: ghosting is not a mature respectful thing to do, and i did not deserve ghosting!]

I know you were angry at me, but I can’t believe you hated me that much, or wanted to hurt me that much. You were always so kind and caring, and to be so cold was not like you. I know I angered and scared you, but I still don’t think I deserved such a harsh treatment, and I really don’t think you meant to be so harsh. that’s just how things happened. [i was honest about feeling like i was treated harshly. i felt like i was! but i was still A Pvssy and gave her a way out by saying “you didn’t mean to hurt me though.” maybe she didn’t. doesnt mean i wasnt hurt and that i deserved this treatment! really i deserve an apology and for her to make amends with ME, more than i need to make amends with HER by being pushy for communication!]

It’s fine if you could never share my feelings for you. I can get over that! What really hurts me is I feel you have rejected me as a person, as a human being, like I am just some disgusting horrible monster who doesn’t deserve any kind of compassion or kindness. And since I know you are a kind person, it hurts even more, and is terribly confusing, to see that coming from you, and to think that you feel that way towards me. You were always really nice to me, and I really appreciated that human kindness. I wish I had shown it to you better. [i showed i felt i was a human being who deserves to be treated like a human being. good, valid point.]

It hurts when you have something good and then you lose it, like the closeness, trust, and kindness we once had. We weren’t random strangers who only knew each other for a few weeks. Then this sort of anger and coldness might be appropriate. We were friends who knew each other for several years, and trusted each other, and had mutual respect and understanding for each other. I felt we had a real connection, and I had not connected like that with someone in a long time. It hurts so much to have that fade away. I would rather have a huge argument where we scream at each other, rather than everything ending this way, so coldly. [god damn right. we weren’t strangers, i wasnt a random stranger, we had had a good friendship for almost 2 years, and knew eachother for almost 3 years. you dont ghost a person like that.]

I know you have been abandoned by people you cared for and who you thought cared for you, and then they just walked away, abandoned you, never to hear from them again. PLEASE don’t do that to me. That’s kind of what it feels like. I will never understand it, and it’s caused me great pain. You don’t have to share my deeper feelings. It’s pretty obvious you don’t! But please try to treat me with respect and compassion like you once did, like you would treat any human being who is suffering. Please don’t hurt me in the same awful way others have hurt you in the past. You’re just not that kind of person. [this cuts deep and maybe i should redact it. before i knew the word “ghosting” this was the closest idea i knew of, being ABANDONED by somebody you cared for. I knew this had happened to her. i tried to manipulate her into seeing how hurtful this was, because she had been hurt this way herself. but its not entirely manipulate to want to END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE hehehehe]

I’m not a bad person either, I never meant to betray you or lie to you. As soon as things changed, I wanted to be honest about it, and the more I avoided the truth, the more the tension grew obvious between us. I really wanted to talk about it in person, I was very stubborn about that, but I felt such a discussion was best had in person, in private, a “heart to heart” talk. So that’s why I didn’t “blurt it out” in text or email or just during a break at work; in hindsight I probably should have, just to get it out already, so that things did not reach a boiling point. [yeah true. but she could have talked to me in a timely manner rather than AVOIDING. all ghosting is is AVOIDANCE. I am avoidant myself so pot and kettle, but i have never GHOSTED somebody and after this experience, I really never want to! almost as bad as cheating hahahahahaha]

We used to get along really well and really naturally, easily, effortlessly, no awkwardness, right away. Like two peas in a pod! That does not happen very often for me at ALL, and I don’t think it happens very often for you either. Please try to remember those times, because I am still that same person. [this is all true, but here i also give away my true feelings: i want us to rekindle this special connection, please change your mind.]

I think I NEEDED to know you for a long time before I developed feelings for you, because in the past, I had gotten feelings too fast, before I really knew and trusted the person, and I just ended up hurting myself by opening my heart too fast to someone I wasn’t compatible with. [very insightful and true!]

But with you, I just let our friendship grow naturally, and I grew to know you and trust you over time. This trust and long-term friendship helped cause my feelings to change, along with many other interacting causes: you and old long term guy ending, you and new short term guy beginning and ending, me and you hanging out at bla bla (then I had my first early, vague feeling that things were in the process of changing), going to bla bla, going to the bla bla concert, or when we used to sit next to each other at work last year and still got along pretty well, and talk and laugh. [true but same thing, i tried to share the important things for me that helped me fall in love with her, because i am really trying to i guess “break” her and make her not ghost me, and ultimately make her fall n love with me, live happily ever after. semi manipulative but i dont think i can be blamed too much.]

We had a great connection which was lost, and I am mourning that loss with great sorrow. [fookin A right!]

We were open and honest in talking about most things, BUT the one important exception was, I was always afraid to ask you about your “new boyfriend” last summer, and you were probably hesitant to tell me. [well, not the ONLY exception. i should have been just as direct in teling her about my feels for her.] In hindsight, I should have directly asked you about that immediately, and helped us become more comfortable talking about those sort of things. It would have helped us communicate better about my own feelings, which were starting to develop around that time. [very true, although i should have supplicated more in asking about HER feelings, not just me. well excuse me for not writing the perfect email. i am totally rekt after all!]  Especially since your relationship with new guy was part of what caused my feelings for you to finally change when they did. I honestly was very surprised to see you dating someone so soon after previous long term rel. That made me think about how you and me got along so well, and we had compatible values and personalities, and I started to wonder if I might be a better person for you than new guy was. [very true. i expressed some solid truths to her here which i wish i could have expressed in person, when we were still on speaking terms, rather than a post-ghosting email which will probably be immediately deleted and never even read.]

Of course you can’t make people change their feelings! I’ve learned that lesson very well over the years. [very damn true. see i get a lot of stuff right here!]

But please don’t throw me away like a piece of garbage. I’m still pretty much the same person I ever was. My feelings for you changed, but I don’t think that cancels out the time we had before that at all. [fookin a right.] You don’t have to “like me back”, and I fully accept that you don’t, but I wish we could finish this with the same spirit of compassion, courtesy, and kindness that we started with. I know you’re not a bad person, and neither am I, and it just seems so unlike you to completely shut somebody out and slam the door in their face, leave them without ever talking to them again, like it feels you’ve done to me. [essentially defining ghosting right there een though i didnt know the word! and again demanding the respect i rightfully deserve! i never ABUSED her! i never cheated on her! i never ghosted her!]

I’m not asking for you to return my feelings, because I know you just can’t do that, and I accept that. I’m just asking you to treat me more humanely please, and let me down a little softer. [so i dont FULLY accept it, but yeah i DO want to be let down softer. the point clearly stands.]

The idea of karma is very important to me. We may never be able to be friends again, but let’s please try not to hate each other the rest of our lives. It’s NEVER too late to finish this in a more civil way. I will ALWAYS be willing to talk to you. If you don’t want to respond to me right now that’s fine. Just please try to do it someday, maybe after the pain is not so fresh.

I know I hurt, angered, annoyed, and frightened you, creeped you out, and I am truly sorry for that, and wish I had done things different. I would like to make amends with you, to set things right, so that you can forgive me. What could I do to do that? I think that it’s pointless to ask for forgiveness if you are not willing to make things right, to prove that you are truly sorry, to try to right the wrong. So I want to truly earn and deserve your forgiveness. [well i think SHE needs to earn MY forgiveness, because her ghosting has hurt me, more than me being Pushy About Talking has hurt HER.]

Also I am asking you to please reconsider how you are handling this now. I’m not asking you to return my feelings, I’m not asking us to return to being friends the way we used to be before everything changed, and I’m not sure that’s even possible. [yes. this is the more important thing i am asking. reconsider ghosting me.]

I’m just asking that you please try to understand where I’m coming from, and to realize I am not some hateful crazy monster sociopath abuser trying to hurt you, but just a decent human being who used to get along with you really well. [its ok to ghost an abuser, but i was not an abuser!!!!!!!!]

I was worried that you were so angry with me because you thought I had a “hidden agenda” from the moment we first met in 2012, that I was secretly conspiring to get with you from the very start. I swear this is not the case at all. If it was, I probably would have tried to push you and old long term guy to break up, or pushed you to cheat on him! In fact, I was hoping that you and old long term guy would fix your problems and live happily ever after! [because theres no communication in ghosting, thats WHAT IT IS is no communication. i was playing what if and wondering why. i thought this was why she was so mad at me. that i had betrayed our whole friendship, or i had a hidden agenda the moment from first meeting her. i wanted to dispel this misconception.]

Previously in my life, I’d always gotten feelings really quick, right away, and I even told you that, that afternoon  when we went to bla bla, and you confided in me about the troubles with you and old long term guy, and I talked about the woman I was getting over at the time. [we had a couple of good heart to heart talks in the past, which made me trust her and her trust me and which i felt solidified our connection and thought we could communicate, eventually, about the issues that ultimately happened between us.]

But with you, the onset of my feelings was very different. It was the first time in my whole life that this happened, and this surprised me a lot, because I never thought it could happen to me: what started out as feelings of friendship, turned into deeper feelings.  In fact, those initial feelings of friendship built a foundation of trust, and time, and understanding, which helped cause the deeper feelings which came later. You know how they say the strongest relationships started out as just friends, then grew into something deeper. That’s pretty much what happened to me. [god fooking damn beautiful truth. part of what makes this the most beautiful email ever written.]

I don’t think I could have kept my feelings bottled up forever. I was trying to send you signals pretty much as soon as the feelings started. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that that’s when the tension first started between us. You were sending me the pretty clear signals that you did not want to hang out and talk. However I was hoping against hope that we would eventually talk about everything: if not this week then next; if not this month then next, and that pattern continued for about 10 months, until my emotions boiled over in the worst possible way, and things blew up between us in the worst possible way. [yep. two super real and great paragraphs in a row.]

I think signals can get the broadest idea of a message across, but often in a painful way, and it’s much better to talk and discuss the signals fully, so as to minimize the pain and anger. [very very very true, me! WELL MEMED, MUH BOY! stuff like this is what makes this a More Good rather than More Bad Email. aka, a Net Win for me.]

I can deal with our friendship being over, but I have a very hard time dealing with it ending in the cold, abrupt, angry way it did. We are both decent, good, honest, kind people, and we should try to treat each other as such. I’m sorry I communicated so poorly, with such bad timing, and with such little empathy for your feelings and for where you were at in your life with your family and your relationships (you being heartbroken from new guy and still getting over him, and maybe old guy too. And you facing tragedy after tragedy with personal stuff). [yeah it WAS bad timing. but i couldnt hold back any longer. and it IS hard to deal with Bad Timing. but i dont think Bad Timing warrants Ghosting.]

I just feel really bad about you freezing me out completely though, without even writing an email, or having a long talk. [definition of ghosting hahaha] I know that’s just not the kind of person you really are, and I don’t want to remember you like that. I know you are a decent, kind person. I don’t want us to look back at this in years and think we should have handled that different, or to be angry and bitter. [very true]

I know I cannot change your feelings. I can’t make you like me the way I wanted, and I accept that fully. [well, not really fully. i was just trying to tell her that i, on an intellectual, rational, realistic level, understood what was happening. it will take me MONTHS, 600 DAYS, to Really FULLY ACCEPT it and Not Want Her Anymore.]  I just want you to understand where I was coming from, and that I am not a horrible person, and that I really wished we had communicated better about all this. It’s never too late to write me an email please. [begging for basic human dignity. but my heart was truly breaking! it is beautiful and heartbreaking! if this doesnt melt the hardest heart, nothing will.]  I told you you could tell me anything and that is still true.

I honestly have not felt this bad in many years, 2009 maybe, before we ever met. This is me at my worst, and you have never seen me like this before. It is not pretty. My sense of confidence is completely devastated. I am doing everything I can to turn things around though, and try to improve my own personal issues. It would really help if you could just give me some word, and please not be angry at me, and help me not be angry at you. I don’t want us to remember each other with anger. It’s ok if things didn’t work out the way we wanted, but let’s please treat each other with kindness and respect. We are both still decent people. [yeah pretty much. and she probably still is a decent person believe it or not, doing an insanely indecent thing out of FEAR. not even fear of ME because i am a weird stalker creeper insecure niceguy woman hater, but more like Fear Of Dealing with Conflict, Dealing with Relationships, Dealing With Issues Happening With Relationships.]

Feel free to show this to your [family member], they would have a valuable outside opinion. Or anyone you really trust. Outside meaning a third party who is simply not me or you! [i wanted her to get outside opinions to get her to listen to reason; point her towards reasonable people to show her how SHE was being unreasonable. uncharacteristically unreasonable! that hopefully another person could give her some perspective on. i had met the family member and felt that they would not encourage her to Ghost Me, or would nudge her to treat me a little better. this was and will always be a good idea. maybe its manipulative because i know the relative might be more sensible. but whats wrong about wanting a person to be SENSIBLE rather than NON SENSIBLE, especially when their non sensibility is hurting you, and you wish they werent hurting you so much. nothings wrong with that.]

Please never forget that you can always contact me at any time in the future, months or years even. my email.com, cell phone num, home phone num, full mailing address given here.  Sometimes the word “karma” sounds silly, but I think both you and I understand what it means, we’ve talked about it, and we agree that it’s very important and real. This may be the end, but we don’t have to end it this badly. It is within our control to end it more smoothly, with good karma, with no anger or resentment. [yes yes very true] I’m sorry for communicating so badly, and for not truly understanding where you were at in your life. What can I do to make amends to you and have you forgive me? [meh] And please reconsider shutting me out so completely. [yes. really i think i deserve her amends, more than she deserves MY amends!] Right now I feel like you will always hate me, and that is making it so difficult to move on and get over things. That’s probably why I keep reaching out to you and writing these emails. If you’re still too angry to respond, know you can always respond at any time in the future, even a long time from now. [better late than never, it really never is too late to TRY to repair karma, although the sooner the better hahahaha]

[here is where it gets both beautiful, heartbreaking, and possibly “manipulative” in the sense that i very very emotionally appealed to the beauty and depth of our connection, because i really want to Get Back Together. but our Connection Was Once Real, and it really meant a lot to me, so i dug into those feels to heartbreaking and beautiful extent here.]

[ok im deleting these parts because they are TOO PERSONAL.]

[ok i have deleted probably the most beautiful parts of this email, which would make anyone with a heart weep, because ultimately these parts also reduce our anonymity and are not really Instructive per se. I gave very beautiful heartbreaking examples of how we were like “two peas in a pod” and understood each other so well, and had so much in common with our personalities and values, and were such a GOOD MATCH for each other hahahahaha. but the stuff was just too personal to be on the damn internet, even with Anonymity! this was the most SACRED parts of Our Entire Relationship, and putting them on the INTERNET might be bad karma. all this other stuff might sound personal, but to me, this part was the MOST personal. the holy of holies. plus its not INSTRUCTIVE or ILLUSTRATIVE like all the other stuff is.

it is BEAUTIFUL, and part of me posting this was to show Beauty, but this section, more than any other, feels like posting it would be violating some sort of sanctity, that the karma cost would outweigh the benefit of demonstrating Beauty. even if everything went to hell, those moments were still very special and i think deserve to be kept private.

the other stuff in here, though, i think tells a Useful story about Ghosting, Communication, Rejection, what is creepy and what is not, Endings of relationships, etc.]

[so i give a heartbreaking story of How Special Our Friendship Was, get super sentimental here. but our friendship WAS special to me, my heart WAS broken, IS broken, i felt VERY sentimental, i was crying, and i kinda wanted to make her cry too! dont throw something THIS special away like garbage! plus i wasn’t LYING about ANY of these things! these were actual real things which DID make our connection strong and special.]

I was very grateful to find that kind of friend in you. I will never hate you. I just want you to not hate me, and please understand I’m just a person who’s hurting. [please show respect to me in ending this.] Even if we cannot be friends anymore, please let’s try to close this chapter of our lives in as friendly, gentle, and respectful of a way as possible, so that we won’t have any lingering regrets, resentment, or hard feelings in the future. [yes.]

I will always be willing to talk to you at ANY time in the future. Please keep taking great care of  your family. I always admired that about you, that you always put family first, and have always been such a strong person. I hope to be as strong as you someday. [meh. she is very strong in certain ways and that is admirable, especially her family orientedness, but i REALLY wish she had shown some of that strength in communicating with me!]

Please respond to me someday, and let me know your thoughts about any of this.

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821

yeah i might go back and remove this cuz i am still on the fence about publicly publishing it, might be doing her harm. well, i dont think its doing her harm, thats WHY i try to make her and me as anonymous as possible!!!!!! besides she did me harm and doesnt seem to care about it!

plus i want to give an example of Bad Ghosting, and prove to the world that i was not an abuser or a creep, and did not deserve this.

i just dont want HER to be real life linked to this ghosting. that would be bad karma. dont even try to figure out who she is. thats not my goal here. my goal is partly to stand up for the guys who were ghosted and then stupid jezebel journalists say they DESERVE to be ghosted because of their Creepy Emails.

there were parts of my email which were Creepy and Awkward and especially Supplicating and Niceguy, but there were LOT of parts that expressed a VERY Valid, Reasonable, Healthy, Rightful desire for being Treated like a human being, in the wake of a Sudden Termination of a Long Term RElationship of Sorts.

when one friend Gets Feelings, you dont GHOST them, you TALK about it, and end the friendship as cordially as you can.

but the email was way too LONG, which means i am a violent woman hater who can never be fixed, who is not worthy of Relationships, who will never have any relationship with a woman until I understand WOMEN ARE HUMAN BEINGS, so God is calling me to be a Foreveralone Celibate Religious Single and Raep Boys. COME ON.

i guess if she “unghosts” me by contacting me and Making Things Right, then I will remove this. but she’s probably already deleted the email, never read it.

shes arguably doing this only because she’s had it done to her, in a much worse way. but that doesnt make it RIGHT for HER to do it either!

i know shes not a bad person. but this is how good people do bad things.

but its frustrating. this type of behavior shows you are incapable of relationships, yet she had a much closer relationship with a guy for 5 years! that was Romantic and Consummated! and I know she didn’t GHOST HIM! in fact i think HE dumped HER!

well i think that hurt her alot and probably is a reason why she did this to me. again it doesnt make it RIGHT though, and doesnt hurt me any less.

i am moving the publish date to a solid 6 months after i sent the email. hopefully by that time i will be going through some motions of LIfe, even though 180 days is not 600 days yet ahahahaha.