NO CONCEPT OF SPACE

for weds the 12th of april

sept 6 2016

At Taco Bell, we’re hungry for Mas. Mas Heart, Mas Flavor and Mas Value. If you want Mas in your life read on!
Think About it…

Do you know how to inspire and engage? Do you make others smile easily?

When you say thank you do you mean it?

Are you a foodie? Do you know what it takes to make awesome food?

Do you love your team like you love your family?

Do you know what it means to create a 5 star customer experience?

Do you take your work seriously but not yourself?

Are you a proud mama or papa when your team achieves success?
If no, your career aspiration with Taco Bell has died here.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ultimately this is actually sad and horrifying but my initial reaction is indignant, contemptuous laugter. but THERE FOR THE GOD GO I. and I must pray that I never reach the point where I would write a job desc like that and wholeheartedly believe it.

got back from big 2-3 day social event, most social i have been in a very long time. still trying to process. kinda overwhelming really, but ultimately very good and glad i did it. good thing for me to do, glad to be invited. was just faced with my own insecurities and issues: somewhat with my own personal failures but what i wanted to explore was my complete failure to communicate and connect with people while I was under the influence of MJ.

yes there were a lot of MJ partakers up there, i kinda expected that, and i said i would partake a LITTLE bit, and indeed i did, for the first time after like a year of abstinence. got an interesting reaction there that pretty much confirmed that i should not do that in a social situation ever. because yeah it makes it absolutely impossible for me to follow or understand or contribute to any conversation, which is very frustrating and also bad for the confidence. other people do not seem to have this problem, but i sure do. so i was careful to just have one puff at a time with large space in between, often PASSING on the MJ as it went around!

and STILL a couple time i went a bit over the line where my mind was completely blown and blazed, and really all it takes is just ONE extra puff which will then totally overwhelm you 20 minutes later and you will feel like a retarded idiot child hhahahahahaha. not fun when trying to communicate with successful adults with good careers, wives, children, etc.

of course there was no judgement happening whatsoever, except by me!

oh man. LOT of stuff to cover. i mean the thoughts that were going on in muh head at the time.

like i want to examine the idea of SPACE and, well when I was blazed a few days ago, I thought DAMN I really didnt understand the concept of SPACE at all, I totally invaded her SPACE like a WEIRDO badman, god damn I was such an idiot who has no idea how to deal with women and rels, i have no concept of this stuff, its SOO BADDDDD, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I fooked it up SO BAD without even intending, to be SO incompetent and wrong, so yeah so STRONG self blaming there, she was RIGHT to react the way she did, she was RIGHT to throw me away, she was RIGHT to never respond to me.

or thoughts of ulterior motives, like yeah, this is just what happens. you might not HAVE ulterior motives but theres NO WAY you are gonna convince the woman of that! It’s simply impossible in that situation! so i need to get over my desire to want to have her understand I did not have ulterior motives. because she never will understand that. never ever. but yeah i dont like being remembered that way.

and when i was blazed, yeah the self blame and self recrimination was just horrible. stream of constant negative thoughts in a multitude of ways. many diff kinds of negativity hahahaha.  in other words I should never do MJ EVER!!!!!

thankfully i did not flip out and have a panic attack or anything, but im sure a few more puffs and i would have been much closer to that! I already felt like a total WEIRDO and outsider and just inferior in every way!

so why do I like this junk again??!!?!?!!!??!!?!??

because it makes MUSIC better and because its ok in “groups” of TWO or smaller hahahahaha.

ITS NOT WORF IT M8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cuz I GUARANTEE there would still be SOME kind of stream of negative thoughts. doubts and fears and blame and recriminations. even if I were alone or with 1 other person. I know from experience, its more than a guarantee, it has happened!

so, if i get more terrible neg thoughts in general when partaking, even in the best of “set and setting”….then why even do it at all?

I could literally, measurably, noticeably communicate and talk to other people better socially when not under the influence. i just had a damn controlled trial 2 days ago. i noticed a definite difference!

yeah it was overwhelming, but in no way did the anxiety when partaking the MJ ruin the overall event. overall, it was mind blowingly fantastic and positive, the most positive social event for a long time.

but when i got done i was more exhausted than I have been in a long time, even more my usual low energy self, but this time was even more extreme, and i slept for 16 straight hours. unbelievable. could not even be awake. and the sleep was pretty solid too. i really needed it hahahahaha.

so now I am trying to wake up from that, drinking some coffee, still feel a little bit “post MJ” and not sure if that is the MJ or just that my body and mind were exhausted and id been asleep for 16 hours hahaha. prob the latter.

so now i can start really processing everything and that of course is a big mission of this blog hahaha. me processing shit. with 10% of that maybe helping the reader hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

anyway. yeah at some points i felt ASHAMED of my total failure to comprehend to her idea of SPACE, and just invading her space over and over and over and over again! no WONDER she reacted so intensely!

and while blazed, i couldnt think of the positive, rational response: yeah I did not have a great idea of space, BUT (AND) she could have REALLY just written me one email. or one text. given me ONE LITTLE THING.

One of the old friends I met who actually lives sort of near me now is a social worker woman who mentioned this great idea of replacing “BUTS” with “ANDS” because AND I guess gives more validation and acceptance and understanding to what your initial complaint is. does not disqualify any part of anything. and then the AND qualifies the good shit as well. I said to her, yes I have read a LITTLE bit about that, and I agree it is totally awesome and I agree completely. she also mentioned the idea of “dialectical behavior therapy” as kind of a counterpart to cognitive behavioral therapy, and I said I knew all about CBT but had never heard of DBT, and I am leary of the word “dialetic” hahaha but whatever you are describing sounds really interesting.

i guess it is a lot CBT but with more of a focus on talking and the dialectic you establish with yourself?? i said I would look it up and i intend to. maybe engages to cognitive component even more, for introverted weirdos like me who need to write 6,000,000 page blogs to constantly PROCESS everything. this might give you a more positive way to process everything.

so, in short, whenever you say BUT, replace it with AND instead. in 99% of cases it will still work AND it will be the healthier thing for you to tell yourself. as far as reaching your goals and shit.

she also mentioned some kind of best practices for goal setting. specific, measurable, realistic, that kind of stuff. i mean i already know all that but its nice to hear other people who are professionals in the area speak about it hahahahaha.

unfort most of the people were anti trump leftists and i was in no position to argue with anyone. i didn’t WANT to argue with them. they are all nice good people who I should look up to as role models 4 a good lyfe……but i just dont care for the leftism. but its not like these people are living their lives being total degenerates! hurting people and lying and cheating! they all want to do the right thing too!

but yeah there was definite examples of antiwhite cucking by white leftists. and not even in a im sorry to be white sort of way. but just enthusiastic, true believer, whites are the cancer of the human race sort of shit, totally shamelessly. but, interestingly, no real guilt about being white, but im sure if i pressed them, they might say something like yeah it sucks to be white and thats why I do everything I can to support the oppressed and be an ally etc. i cant help being white but i have lived my life fighting the man, so i am secure in myself.

i would almost prefer if they WERE ashamed about being white, because that might show me a chink in their armor hahahaha.

someone blatantly said “your mother is a communist” and i was like WOW that is pretty rude, but i didnt doubt the veracity, because I know the guys mother is a lifelong leftist activist type, father as well, and this is where he get it from. which makes sense. if my family were huge leftist activists, i would probably be too. like old school summer of 68 types that became fairly professional, rather than burned-out hippies.  but they are good people and raised good children. also there wasnt any race mixing hahaha. not that they wouldn’t blatantly approve of race mixing! they just never actually had mixed children, and I am secretly happy about that. nor did their kids, one of whom was/is one of my old friends i was looking forward to seeing. he will never change being a huge leftist, but he is still a very good admirable person. but he married a white wife and had a white child too………

its just WEIRD that such decent, good people could also be such damn leftists. so you CAN still be a good person and live a moral life if you are a leftist. its just weird to see though. what would be too far? maybe if any of them had had mixed race children. or were in positions of political power and doing blatantly antiwhite policies. but, somewhat surprisingly, no one is in political power. they have great careers and probably Manage Teams and have masters degrees from top skools and make 80 k a year. but i guess as long as a person is not a lying cheating scumbag, i am ok with them.

but this guys white communist mom has been married to his white communist dad for like 40 years, with no weird open marriage bullshit, and they have white children who married white women and had white children, with no weird open marriage bullshit as far as I can tell.

so yeah i pretty much hid my alt right and pro trump views because a. i wouldnt be able to convince anyone b. people might be like poor him, he’s confused because he’s having a rough spot in life, so he is clinging to this racist xenophobic sexist stuff out of fear and frustration. so i just avoided talking about it and made jokes about guns and even probably one genuinely nonjoking statement about how i would have no problem with owning a gun, which is actually a big deal for these people, most of whom come a town where everyone is a leftist who hates guns and whites and the only people who even Go Hunting are Racist Redneck Angry Uneducated Whites who are angry and afraid and republican and trump voting, fox news, etc. too hateful and ignorant to get their phds and get a professional career and get the political views to accompany those professional careers.

its like these people have NEVER MET A RIGHTIST!!!!!!!!! They literally think they are the worst people in the world! rightophobia!!!!!!!

well, i talk shit about the left all the time, i despise the left and 99% of leftists. these people are essentially GRANDFATHERED IN. but doesn’t it mean there are a lot more leftists who are decent people? yeah probably. lets say 50 50.

but yeah i dont really hate individual people, especially when i get to know them, even hardcore leftists. but i hate the left as a set of ideas that is really destroying the country hahahaha and the west. and the white race.

interesting enough, they can rant about trump and trump is like hitler, its so scary, and be like yeah of course i will always vote democrat, thats what smart people do, who are not evil white capitalist greedy stupid redneck religious gun toting haters! BUT no one had anything positive to say about hillary, and probably were not volunteering their time to campaign for hillary. well hillary is too establishment and not leftist ENOUGH they’d probably say.

but they dont volunteer for even worse leftist shit either.

so yeah these people will always remain grandfathered in for me i guess. and i guess i could probably “keep an open mind” if i were meeting new people. but i dont meet many new people.

but yeah i puffed the MJ and was like DAMNNNNN I REALLY REALLLLLLY was an idiot regarding the concept of space. She told me she wanted space and I couldnt RESPECT that!

well, she could have TOLD me a little better and clearer, and continued to communicate with me regarding it! like, oh by the way, this IS an ultimatum, and this is because i’ve been getting weird vibes from you that you like me, and also we shouldnt talk or text at all, but i’ll continue to talk and text you.

plus, what about: SPACE does not give you license to avoid the issue altogether. avoid and ignore. SPACE means we are gonna stop hanging out, and stop talking every day. but it doesn’t mean you continue to do that FOREVER unless you have a decent TALK about it.  if you want to parlay the SPACE into a Permanent End Of Rel, you have to TELL the person, especially when they make their interest clear to stay in the rel, by asking you every 2 weeks, when are we gonna hang out again, its been many months since we hung out, can we hang out this weekend finally?

heh. we also did a ritual which was partially intended to help me get over That Woman. This is me and this other guy I saw there who is one of my favorite people and who I was really looking forward to seeing, and if i lived in the same town as him, i would Want to hang out with him regularly, because he is a great, classic guy. he is also not as blatantly leftist as a lot of the people. and we are both hopeless romantics who have gotten heartbroken by women many times. but he has improved because of it and become a confident, charismatic, outgoing, charming man, and has Slayed plenty of Pvssy in the time since we were young.

he is very very good at organizing social events and being a Host type of guy, make you feel good about yourself, kind of guy. pull out all the stops and do special things for special occasions, just raise the bar and do awesome things. shower people with unexpected gifts, organizing fun party buses, putting on one man fireworks shows, just amazing the things he does, very glad to know him.

anyway everyone was going to bed early like responsible adults and i was kinda looking forward to staying up late the last night (2 nights) and watching some people get Annihilated (of course I did not drink, i have not had anything to drink since 2009). i thought he was gonna go to bed, but he surprised me by totally playing to my sensibilities. he bullshitted me that we were gonna do some seance type black magic ceremony that he knew, and i played along and honestly was not sure how much he was bullshitting, but he put together this plan to essentially burn a log in half on the fire. put a long log across the top of the fire pit, build fire underneath it, and then the goal is to keep that fire going long and strong enough to cause the top log to break and or crumble.

and then that was supposed to symbolise you getting over something, something you want to be over and done with, something holding you back. I said yeah I can make it about this woman if that’s what you’re getting at, hahahaha.

so i dont know if this is an actual thing or he just bullshitted the whole thing, but it made sense and seemed a very nice way to symbolically “break” someone or somethings hold on you. a symbolic ceremony to turn the page, move on. i said well you can use this too because you have a big move coming up and I want that to go well for you.

initially I thought the goal was to weaken the log and then one of us would break the log by stomping on it or something.

ultimately our goal became to just burn all the way through the log until it broke because of the fire.

so we had to add a RIDICULOUS amount of wood to the fire to accomplish this. and it took at LEAST  6 hours. essentially we ended up staying up ALL NIGHT till the SUN CAME UP and then finally the log split. there was no crumbling really, it was more like two little hands reaching out to each other.

but yeah the log just sits there taking all that heat, not showing any signs of anything, or it seems like it should have broken long ago but it doesnt. pretty much everything about this was symbolic as fook, he knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, I knew he knew it. So yeah it was a beautiful thing.

not sure if it actually worked regarding That Woman, I mean I have been slowly getting over her anyway so I dont feel I needed a CEREMONY, plus I said yeah she is technically a good person so lemme just say I am not trying to put any curses or hexes or Black Magic on her, so I covered my ass there hahahahaha. well, I kinda want her to have a bastard baby soon with some deadbeat black, but I guess I forgot about that.

but yeah it was nice that he was thinking of me and did this nice thing for me hhahahaha. very touching. great guy. great to see him after over 2 years. last time i saw him i was just a few months from falling in luv with the woman. i told him, yeah i have this female friend but i dont feel that way about her, it would be weird, i dunno.

i would ideally have some GOOD headphones then get very blazed and listen to this album hahahaha.

I am not as well versed in this album as I am with “transilvanian hunger”, an uncriticizable classic. UaFM I have some actual complaints about, like i skip some songs, guitar sound is too thin. but yeah this probably is culto’s best vocals. totally sick the whole album.

now darkthrone is about as consistent as neil young…..but everyone agrees this is one of the good albums. the classic albums. i would much rather listen to this album than the more derivative albums it inspired. basically just freezing cold, hateful, nihilistic, raw, pure, trve, kvlt black metal. no poseur or hipster or modern bullshit. not overly long. great year, 1993.

none of the women at this thing were really bad. even the worst one is not a bad person. i just wouldnt want to date her. but she is still very nice to me. and she is super duper successful and makes like 150k a year and gives Expert Opinions in Congressional Hearings. yes the big Federal US Congress in DC.

how many men had each of the women been with? how many abortions had each of the women had? how many nonwhites had each of the women been with? how many hearts had they each broken?

none of that really crossed my mind at the time, hahahaha. prob cuz i had NO interest in dating any of the women.

however, the married women, i was kinda judging their mate value. but they were wonderful people too. ideally the one woman would have been a little younger when her and my old friend got married, but they are still a good Pair and they have had a child. but im not sure another child will be coming quickly, and of course that was my ideal, that they have at least 3 children hahahahaha.

basically i care about the mudsharking and slutting and abortions etc a HELL of a lot more when i am considering Dating the woman. if I am just being friends or friendly, I dont really care. also if my freinds are MARRYING the women, i would HOPE they choose at least SOMEWHAT wisely and not pick a TOTAL piece of trash. And i don’t think they did. I just wouldnt want to marry these women myself hahahaha.

basically if i didnt know these people and the first and only thing i knew about them were their horrible political beliefs, i would say, these are probably terrible people. the worst kind of white antiwhite scum.

but in fact they are very very good decent people.

so what did i learn? that leftists can be good people? I already knew that, I mean nothing i’m saying here is NEW. I knew they were leftists when i first met them. and i thought i was a leftist. and i started moving right, righter, and far right hahaha. but they stayed leftist. but they also stayed decent people. i just think its interesting that they never woke up or got redpilled. even getting married and having kids did not redpill them. or working with obnoxious nonwhite customers. living in a multicultural diverse city. i can’t imagine anything that WOULD redpill them. they could get robbed by blacks and then say something like “we cant let this turn us racist. we cant forget that these blacks wouldn’t be put in such a desperate position without racist hateful greedy white men who created the systems of oppression that keeps blacks poor and desperate.” i really think they would say that. NOTHING is going to “redpill” them.

 

NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE A WEIRDO

july 29

yeah its just incredibly frustrating when somebody is on their phone, talking and texting ALL THE TIME, they respond to EVERYBODY ELSE, but they wont respond to YOU. it is insulting and disrespectful as fook. Ya Spend All Day On The Phone Anyhow! to paraphrase the awful everest commercial. and you cant even send a text to End A Relationship hahahaha.

got call yesterday from health system i have sent 40 apps to (literally) and always get rejections from, first callback ever. called them back this morning and gave them email address to try to minimize Phone Tag. this is for a laboratory assistant in a hospital lab. purrfect. fulltime days no weekends, even better. sign me up for 13 dollars an hour. i will pass your nicotene test all day hahahahaha.  well…..maybe not hahahahahahaha.

that would be funny, to get a job offer but lose it because i failed a NICOTENE test because I smoke a COUPLE of Social Cigs per week. of course a lot more when i am working hahahaha. but you are not allowed to do that at this workplace. hospital. well i am sure there are people who hide out and chainsmoke on lunch, then spray down with febreze hahahaha.

sheeeit got interview for 10 dah part time temporary job, next thurs, the one i wanted to get resched, and they agreed to resched rather than saying get fooked…..but at a nice place. i like the place, they do job related training, REALLY i SHOULD do their job related training courses and then use that to get a 15 DAH Full Time Days Job hahahaha. working with Robots and 6000000 dollar machines. CNCs and CADs and FANUCs and lasers and injection molds and grinders and borers and dorners and whatever tf.

again that is probably soem sort of sign from GOD, answering my prayers. so maybe is “hospital lab.” working in a LAB with specimens.

“Protein Shake” with .75 scoop of Whey Protein, .5 cup of Whole Milk, and about 10 grams of Caramel Ice Cream hahahahaha

basically, if george feels can get a full time job, SO CAN I.

basically, if fatherland jim can get a FT job, and a basedwife, and a child, and own his home, SO CAN I.  I mean the guy is not only super autistic, but very neurotic and self-deprecating, by his own admission! women HATE self deprecating, neurotic men! I should know, I am one!

i like and respect both these guys of course. especially jim hahaha. but the more i “get to know” him, the more I am like WOW I cant believe he’s admitting this, and I can’t believe he wasn’t dumped by his wife after the first date hahahaha. this is the kind of guy women RUN AWAY SCREAMING from. I say that as a fellow member of that club.

so in fatherland 39 jim says, IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. and I could not agree more hahahaha.

the guy who bitched for like 4 straight weeks about my “trollnation” to the show. I didn’t mean the donation as a troll, but its just funny that he got SO rustled by it. yeah i can see how somebody might misinterpret it….and boy did he EVER.

COME ON. so the lady calls me back about the blood lab job and i can only interview TODAY because they have a deadline at the end of the day today. I said Monday or sometime next week would be fine. I was a little thrown off guard. I guess I should have just said yes, and then immediately took a shower, shave, get the suit on, get out there, sheeeeeeeeeit.  im wondering why she even called me. on the last day of interviews. wtf. well she said she had a death in the fam so i gave muh sympathies, but then i choked and said yeah no, i just can’t do it today, but if you would keep me in mind for other positions that would be great. the 40 other positions i had applied to hahaha.

lesson learned from being caught off guard: if they ask you for an interview TODAY, just DO IT.

it just seems so weird and unprofessional though.

i mean i wont regret this TOO much, in fact i could probably call her back right now….but sheeeeit.

women just dont understand how anxiety, shyness, despair, low confidence can keep a MAN from EVER having a GF or secs, because it doesn’t work the same way for WOMEN. WOMEN can TOTALLY have anxiety, shyness, despair, low cofidence, and it doesnt prevent them from having secs or rels AT ALL. That’s why they think its so weird when a man has never had a secs and rels. because its DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE for a woman to never have secs or rels, and they are so damn narcissistic they think everybody is like them, and that men and women are the exact same, when in fact they are VERY different.

or they dont “buy the excuse” because “well I have despair and anxiety and I can still have secs and rels!” not understanding how anxiety and low cofidence DIRECTLY WEAKEN EVERYTHING which women find attractive about men. they do not directly weaken what men find attractive about women.

its much easier to not be bitchy, not be a slut, not be fat, than it is to Be Confident, Be Charming, Be a Leader.

Again I dont begrudge this ease, of women being the supply and men being the demand, i guess I just get rustled when women dont UNDERSTAND or APPRECIATE that fact of nature.

but, you could argue, they’re not supposed to. so again my expectations are too high. they’re not SUPPOSED to understand it.

The most effective Life Creator is one who does not know they are a life creator??!!?!?!?!

well yes kind of. cuz they will keep getting pregnant, exactly because they forget they can get pregnant?

interview SAME DAY. really. it sounded like they did most of the interviews yesterday. probably just whirlwind of 8 or so candidates in one day.

and what if someone just couldn’t make it that day? then into the trash they go.

BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE THE BEST CANDIDATE?

oh well then the company doesnt get the best candidate then. life goes on.

so yeah timing matters.

but youd think if they were SERIOUS about finding the best candidate, they would allow more than ONE DAY to interview all the candidates for this job. give them a span of like a week.

NOT come in on this day and time for an interview, and if you can’t, fook you, we can’t reschedule. we are interviewing for this job on one day only, in this 4 hour window.

so yeah, i can’t tell wimmin i have neversecs neverel because i have anxiety, despair, neurotic, and low confidence, they’ll say I DONT BELIEVE IT, I HAVE THOSE SAME THINGS AND I CAN GET SECS AND REL, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY WRONG WITH YOU, not realizing that these things have VERY different outcomes for men vs women.

solution: just don’t talk about it , or Bullshit/Lie/Deflect until you have banged the gurl, it’s not like it would take more than 3 dates anyway.  and if she complains about you being awkward, then say you’re under a lot of stress from your job and family. and next time take some benzos and hope you perform better, cuz if you don’t, YOUR FIRED. (dumped.) dumped for being awkward at secs. i could see it happening to me! and im sure its happened to other men!

like uhhhh i can just tell by the awkward way this guy FOOKS that hes only ever fooked 1 gurl about 15 years ago, or he’s a VIRGIN, and he’s DEFINITELY not ever had a GF, or Regular Secs. EW. WEIRD. CREEPER.

well what if you had had a longterm gf where you had secs 2 times a week for 2 years hahahahahaha then she dumped you, and you were heartbroken for 2 years, and then the next time you had secs, it was awkward and weird and the bitch thought THAT, that you had never had a GF or secs on the reg? well they would be WRONG.

but not about me hahahahahaha.  bitches and whores.

that feel when you think, hmm if all else fails, i will get a part time job at mathnasium, math tutor, that would be bretty kewl, then you look up the local mathnasium and see that all their employees are young college students at good colleges, majoring in math or engin, or they went to the local STEM high school that you didnt even know about until last year hahahahaha. so they are both 12 years YOUNGER than you, and have had way more MATH than you, you who is so proud of your A in Calculus 2, and that’s as far as you went in math. well good luck making 10 DAH as a part time math tutor because you don’t have the right stuff!

i will soon be the proud owner of a The Right Stuff tshirt however hahahahahahahaha. and that does count for something hahahaha. well unless the shirt sale gets SHUT DOWN before the shirts get mailed, which there is a 50% chance.

if i ever have to dump a person, i am gonna be the best dumper on the face of the earth.

is it JUST ME who doesnt know how to DEAL with conflict in relationships? well its safe to say SHE couldnt deal wiht it EITHER.

maybe most people can’t, so most Breakups are Bad, and we should all use SHRINKS when we want breakups to be Good.

I would be more than happy to do that. I will involve a shrink EVERY TIME if thats what it takes.

id be like hay, you arent dumping me so well, and i dont know what to tell you, lets go to the shrink and they can help you dump me better.

i mean its really not brain surgery, BUT also when you are THAT Flustered, your brain just doesnt work. you can barely do basic things, remember your name, do your job.

shit and when your job is DEMANDING as FOOK, like taking a TEST EVERY DAY, obviously youre going to be FAILING that test every day!

thats what it was like hahaha. you know how you would go out with friends and stay up late if you “ONLY” had to go to skool or go to work tomorrow, but if you had a BIG TEST tomorrow, you would get nervous, and make sure to go to bed early, etc? thats what it was like EVERY DAY of work. the WHOLE JOB was like one big EXAM that you were NEVER fully prepared for. the only time you had to STUDY was when you were at home, free time.

basically all of your schooling should be taking calls in a call center for 12 years hahahahaha. that should be all of school. K-12.  then you will be ready for anything.

or why not just MAKE everybody join the military to toughen them up.

because MOST people RECOGNIZE that everybody is NOT CUT OUT FOR the military. like private pyle. like me and prob you.

bbbbbut in SOME countries they make you! the phaggot sissies in SWEDEN need to do a year of service, don’t they? if sissy SWEDISH men can do military, so can the neetest american omega!!!!!!!

or those slimy sleazy schlomos in ISRAHELL also have mandatory military service. if those shady k1k3s can do military service, so can the sissiest, phaggiest NEET!

or maybe its really easy to get out of service. like just get a doctors note saying you have bad eyesight or are too short hahahahaha.

2 more rejection letters from the health system i have applied to 40 times hahahaha. and they want me to do a DAY OF interview or NOT AT ALL. come on. and they also test for cigarettes smoking. WHY am I trying to get in here again? because they have a good number of FT jobs with low qualifications. that dont involve a call center or sales. that I still get rejected for.

you can get through school being a total awkward autist. but this does not work at ALL in the world of work and wimminz. NOBODY TOLD ME hahahahaha.

managers, like women, will reject you unless you are a total confident, charismatic chad. slip up once and youre DONE.

also school should prepare you for the level of REJECTION you get in the real world. you will be rejected 99 times out of a 100. better get used to it.

but other special snowflakes who went to the same schools as i did, did VERY VERY well for themselves! so it must be ME, not the SCHOOLS! well yeah it IS me to some extent.

so if the economy doesnt grow 4% every year, that’s a bad thing?

if it only grows 1%, thats BAD?

well yes. because……the population grows? so we should be edgy antinatalist zero population growth fooktards?

i only listen to vinyl ripz hahahaha

i remember i got this album in like 1998 and i was a little disappointed. cuz back then i just wanted chugga chugga chugga heavy heavy heavy. i thought the guitars werent HEAVY enough. the vocals werent HEAVY enough. I thought morbid angel was supposed to be the HEAVIEST death metal band ever.  (there was plenty of “brutal death metal” if thats what I was looking for. well, every album was a big investment in 1998 hahaha. so deicide “once upon the cross” was more what I was looking for.)

but nowadays i can totally appreciate the very “organic”, human, natural production on this album. and noting it was produced by the same guy that did metallica “ride the lightning” and “master of puppets.”

in 1999 I heard their next album “domination” and liked that more. i guess youre supposed to hate that album becuase thats when they sold out. but I liked the guitars and vocals better. and thought the songs were catchier.

so i can never crap on “domination”, but I am glad “covenant” has great growing and staying power.

yep going on 3 days with no shower and this is when you def start to smell hahahahahaha. sweaty crotch and pits BO hahahahahahahaha. if you get near a wimmin at this point, she WILL dump you hahahaha.

so why do we NEED 4% growth a year? why not 1%? why not .5%? why not .1%? why cant things just stay the same? they cant GROW forever! I just dont beleive that GROWTH is always GOOD.

i mean im not too worried about a woman interrogating me about muh rel history. i mean, That Woman and I became very close friends, and she had NO IDEA of my rels or lack of them. NO IDEA. I was ready to tell her the full story, but she was ultimately not interested in hearing it hahahaha.

so basically just lie, because they literally CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.

yeah it IS hard to LIE, because your white moral fibers tell you that lying is wrong, youre not a liar. that is very well and good. but the truth is, sometimes its ok for whites to lie, such as when they are “faking it to make it” with white women. anything in service of the 14 words, its ok for whites to lie. or if it doesnt HURT anybody.

but yeah i understand how it FEELS a little jooey or ingrish. thats FINE. it SHOULD.

also its ok to LIE to get yourself a JOB.

they dont have TIME to do MORE background checking on you AFTER you GET the job. they will either do it BEFORE they offer your the job, or not at all. therefore…..lie to get a job, and if you get the job, you wont be found out later. unless it is a super powerful job or public election or something. NOT a damn entry level 28k job. the better thing to worry about is being fired for no reason, or at will, or “restructuring”, or “business needs”, or because your company is not having 4% growth every year. not because you lied about you supervising people, or you being a great negotiator, or you being good under pressure, or you being a nonweird nonvirgin nonnevergf normie.

so yeah i just want women to APPRECIATE secs and rels more. check their secs and rel PRIVILEGE. but I’m not saying that privilege shouldnt exist.

hey i dont even want them to UNDERSTAND it. I just want them to BE NICER. you know how you can luv and support someone even if you don’t UNDERSTAND them. just do that! give me your luv and support! Give me a CHANCE even though some things about me seem WEIRD at first! you have to give me a CHANCE! and not just BAIL at the first time things are a little different. im honestly not THAT weird! women have just never given me a CHANCE hahaha. men have given me a chance! and they were glad they did!

the employers who gave me a chance were pretty much glad they did hahaha.

but the wimmin never wanted to give me a chance hahaha.

well the female friends that gave me a chance found some value in me.

well thats not to say That Woman never found any Human Value in me.

She just ran away when things got complicated. thats ALL. stop reading all this malicious intent, or thinking she never cared about me. she probably DID! she just bailed when it got HARD. i have done the SAME THING in different situaitons. cant deal with hard shit. shit i cant deal with the struggles right now and avoid avoid avoid hahaha. like i never AVOIDED anything. everybody avoids sometimes.

that is the more rational, less emotional, more truthful way of looking at this. but shit its STILL hard to do that. a year later and its still hard to Correct the cognitive distortion.

so, muh sense of judgment is WRONG, my logic is WRONG. this is why I like MATH, because math FORCES you to use the RIGHT logic. if you’re not using logic, you’ll get it wrong, so if you get it right, you know your logic is right.

i guess your logic can be terribly wrong about some things, but still be right on other things (like hopefully, your job and job-related things.) so you can be a mess Emotionally and Personally, but still do a Good Job.  because the day you’re not able to do a good job…….YOURE FIRED.

did 5 mile pwalk

while doing it and listening to morbid angel hahaha i had a very illustrative thought, i thought, what if she contacts me like 2 or 3 years after it all went down and is like hey how are u lets get caught up again, you should come to this party im having, and then i go, and she is all super mature and cool and has all these new winner friends, and she looks a little older but still good, and she is now moved way up in her career, and is powerful and respected and makes good professional money, like 40k a year, and can afford a nice place in the hip winner neighborhood, and has all these friends that make 40k a year, and she doesn’t spend a lot of time with me, but just goes around mingling, and some of the guys she gets closer to than others, maybe shes fookin em, i tell her welp it was kinda a hard year, im still lookin for a jerb, its tough out there and i havent had much luck, and she said oh well good luck, maybe you can get a job starting out in call center, if you tough it out for a few years you can become a manager like i did….and then i get pissy and am like, im mad at how things ended, you were a big reason why i quit, and then she gets mad and is like oh no, dont blame ME for that, thats all on YOU and not being able to handle me not liking you, when it was clear i didnt, i mean what did you expect? dont blame ME for that! youre the one with problems, you cant handle life, thats why you quit, thats why youre still a failure 2 years later, you gotta get your stuff together man, stop living in the past, move on, get over it! and then she moves on to some other people to mingle with, and i drink my soda and get mad and sad, yeah shes right, i didnt HAVE to quit, its not HER fault, but damn shes WAY more successful than me, i can’t get over it, she makes way more money than i ever will, she’s still 8 years younger than me, and she doesnt CARE that i’m not doing well now, she doesn’t want to HELP me, other than tell me get a job in a call center and tough it out for a few years. well thats what i WAS doing until i snapped!!!! but thats my fault! but shit how can you just invite me to this party after 2 years like nothing ever happened, like we didnt end things in a terrible way?

and so that was this vivid and incredibly unproductive use of muh brain. like a series of congitive distortions turned into a ruminating STORY or daydream only designed to make me feeel bad in every way!

your brain simply SHOULDNT work like that!

so yeah this was a rumination i guess, and then it turned into a story. a ridiculous daydream. all while im trying to relax on my powerwalk!

so, dont do that. just turn off that stream of thoughts.

so yeah i would still want to be with her in that case.

shit. not with any other woman have i never wanted to meet them so much. with the other women i can be like, yeah that sucked, but i got over them, and i don’t really care about having met them or not. it was an interesting story. no need to have never met them.

but with HER, i wish i had really never met her. we had SOME really really good stuff…..but the pain and misery and suffering and failure vastly outweighs it! if i had never met her, I would have still been working at my old job, i never would have left for the new job (that WAS directly inspired by her, we could BOTH agree), and therefore i never would have LEFT that job and I wouldnt be in the pathetic, hopeless situation I am now. I would have not had a yearlong gap on muh res,  I would have had a much better shot at getting any of these jobs im interviewing for now because i would be currently employed. and then i could have gotten the job at the nursing home, or the university, or the city. no gap, no stupid call center job, no heartbreak, no thoughts of her. no thoughts of HER! do you know how MUCH I’ve THOUGHT of HER in the past 2 years? many minutes, every single day!!!!!!!!

they say to meet women, have a full life and do fun meetups for your hobbies. well what if your hobbies are all male, like 1488 huhwhyte nationalism?

plus it’s clear that women entering that would just cause drama.

and then I thought, well, wouldn’t women cause drama in ANY Social Group?

Let’s say your fookin i dunno anime group is 90 10 men women. you think all the THirsty Omegas are not gonna be in competition for those women?

and this certainly happens in nerdy groups like that! animes, comic cons, dr who, etc.

ok so lets say the group is 60 40 men women. there will still be some competition and conflict. men getting assmad when some slut dumps him to bang the more alpha men in the group.

well, not all the people in the group will be SINGLE!

i guess we need to put in the caveat that some social groups would be better than others. for example, NO anime, NO nerdy groups, NO racial groups.

cuz i was thinking, the only social group i’d like to join is a damn racial group. but we’ve already concluded that racial groups are NOT good places for women. women can support in the background and their monog husbands be in the group, but if there are Thirsty Beetas in the group desperate for waifus, then they will fight for the attention of any single woman in the group! who will then fawn over all the attention and play the men off of each other!

so you find a group where you’re the ONLY thirsty beeta? hahahahaha.

there’s thirsty beetas in EVERY/ANY group!

and them competing for the women is gonna cause tension in the group! there will be fighting, stalking, jealousy, and the loser will essentially have to leave the group. THEY CANT EVEN ENJOY THEIR DAMN GROUP ANY MORE cuz That Woman is in the group giving it up to the OTHER men.

so yeah I don’t buy this meeting women in social groups thing. its the same thing like meeting a woman at WORK or in your circle of friends. and then she turns out to be the Work Slut or the Circle of Friends Slut. She Fooks EVERYBODY and is kinda shady and sleazy. don’t get caught up in her drama.

so i wonder if women can handle being in groups at all.

leaning towards no. single women at least. married women could handle it. but their husband should be in the group with them.  and she should not leave him for other guys in the group.

im just learning NOW that WOMEN = DRAMA?

NO, I knew that 20 years ago. I guess I have just been wanting to get along with a woman without all that drama. and i DID. and then it became very, very, very dramatic.

and really I caused the drama here, not her. DAMN.

FOOOOOOOK.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.

yeah well she COULD have been nicer hahahaha. i could have been more Alpha, and she could have been a LOT nicer. other women have been nicer!

but yeah i hope she doesnt contact me unless she gives me a big apology and also says she wants to get together with me. even though she is very successful and i am a big failure. and she never NAGS me about my job when i finally get a job because it for damn sure wont be as much as SHES making.

sheeeeit. i CAN tell you that its not natural for men and women to compete like this in the Economic Marketplace. and its a REAL WEIRD dynamic when you get rejected by a woman, then you end up comparing yourself with her CAreer-wise and trying to Beat her in career, cuz she beat YOU in the game of Luv, so now you want to Beat hear in the game of career. but you DONT, she beats you even WORSE in the game of career and ends up becoming WAY more successful than you. she’s younger than you and she is a manager / leader / senior / director / supervisor / VP / level 3, and you are older and still a damn entry level level 1.

adds insult to injury and makes you feel like more of a loser.

of course, THEYRE not doing that, YOU’re doing that to yourself. you dont HAVE to compare yourself to their career at all.

i mean, if they ARE forcing it down your throat, thats a different story. but if you havent talked to them in 2 or 3 years, and you are just stalking them on linkedin and looking at their career from afar…..that sucks. DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

thats the type of stuff I do. Shit I dont even DO it any more. I don’t look at ANY of these women on linkedin or facebook. but I STILL think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like i imagine HER being a successful Manager!

even though i haven’t been on facebook in a year, and i haven’t looked at her on linkedin in like 8 months, and back then she didnt have any updates. now i know she got a new job, prob a tough job i couldnt handle, and i am making all these assumptions that she is a manager, she is moving UP.

i guess i am a masochistic glutton for self punishment. if it hurts, I DO it! thinking about her moving UP in career? getting jealous? yep! so just keep thinking about the painful shit! you are a master at adding your OWN insult to injury!!!!!!!! more cognitive distortions! or really, emotional piling on! you are serving up Self Serve Pain to your SELF!!!!! DONT DO THAT!!!!!!!!!

july 30

essentially Cutting Yourself mentally/emotionally. how gay is that. you dont want to be A Cutter!!!!

I was WILLLLING to handle the situation in a mature way! I just needed her cooperation! HER willingness! and thats ON HER!

so yeah i have my issues but its not truthful to say that my issues ruin every rel i ever have!

GIVE ME A CHANCE! be WILLING to communicate with me!

maybe i should go on okcupid and look for women who are looking for “just friends” hahahaha because i am certainly not Emotionally Available, and women that advertise they are looking for just casual secs, while I might want that, are not the type of women i want to meet, and generally good people to stay away from.

also as a general rule, when someones heart is breaking, dont blame them for getting feelings, just accept this is how hearts work, be appreciative that somebody opened their heart to you, and take pains to treat their heart gently….even if you didnt ask for this.

hey its not like i dont know how 2 relationship….ive just never been given the CHANCE! never given a FAIR SHAKE!

never had anyone who was WILLING!

yes this issue of WILLING is a big deal. you can lead the horse to water but you cant make them WILLING to drink.

the WILL comes from WITHIN.

heh applied for 2 jobs on a saturday.

tweaked cover letter a TINY bit to more effective Cup The Balls of the Company’s Mission Statement.

i guess basically go on okcupid and look for attractive women who seem CHILL and who seem liek they smoke MJ and are under 30. who cares if they have kids or tattoos, i am just using them for casual secs hahaha. and i will TELL them that. most women are ok with being used for casual secs, woman use MEN for casual secs just as much.

yes it is degenerate! but i cant get pregnant ever, and maybe banging some sluts will help me forget about HER, and it will also increase my confidence and experience with women, which will make me better at pulling QUALITY women that actually CAN replace her and make me forget about her!!!

jeez. can you IMAGINE how many HOURS and DAYS i WASTED THINKING about HER the past YEAR, even though she was OUT OF MY LIFE, she continue to take up SO much of my thoughts? still does! how can you THINK about someone so much when you havent seen or talked to them in a YEAR? its RIDICULOUS!

yet you THINK about them an HOUR a day at LEAST? 365 hours! thats like 9 full Work Weeks! that is THOUSANDS of dollars!

if you had to put a PRICE on the PAIN of a broken heart, it would DEFINITELY be in the TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. 10 to 99 thousand dolars.

162 dollars for round trip flight to denver hahaha. can get motel for 70 dollars a night hahaha a little pricey. i ideally wanted a motel with a sauna so i could smoke tons of MJ, then sit in the sauna. well, actually i would probably walk around the forests and mountains. smoke MJ all day. then go to sauna at night. smoke tons of MJ every waking moment. probably take a few puffs in the middle of the night too. like when you wake up for a few minutes at 4:20 am, take a puff, go back to sleep hahahahahahahahahahaha.

that woman. i cant believe she has a medical MJ card and can buy MJ whenever she wants. she doesnt even have a qualifying condition and doesnt even CARE! MOST people get it for chronic pain, and jsut smoke MJ where they might have become pill poppers like white trash. but she doesnt have chronic pain!

maybe she does, she just never told me. hahaha.

SEE? a YEAR later, and still THINKING about her!!!DAMN!!!!!

also a year later, and still thinking about that JOB. HOW did I do that stuff? why didnt I snap earlier? I could never do that again!

when have I felt the most confident? When I accomplished or did well on something that MATTERED to me. like get a new job (although actually working the job would be very nerve wracking at the beginning, nullifying any gains in confidence) or especially when the things were going well with some woman. for like the 2 days in my life where things were going well with a woman hahahaha. no really its more like 14 days, thats not bad. 14 days of confidence in 30+ years hahahahahaha. no i bet i have had 30 days of confidence in 30 years, between the few women, and the few accomplishments!

but yeah making out with a gurl and shes not PUSHING you, that is a good confidence builder. when its a gurl you WANT to be making out with, instead of like, damn this gurl ugly but I am desperate, wow how shameful, imma get buttmad now. but rather WOW this gurl is awesome and THIS is awesome and I am awesome etc…… now that doesnt happen very often hahahahahahaha

you get neurotic and obsessive. you dont think about ANYTHING ELSE with the obsession and interest and tenacity you think about WOMEN with.

looked up data entry on ziprecruiter and found some jobs i have not seen on indeed. oh great. so i set up an email alert for data entry on ziprecruiter hehehe

why do women have such a disregard and disrespect for human life? you’d think they’d hae some kind of inherent bond, with babies and shit, because babies grow inside them. but no. they have NO problem killing their babies, less problem than MEN do as a matter of fact. they have LESS respect for life than MEN do. ABSOLUTELY REPREHENSIBLE.

such WEIRD feelings. what do you DO when you feel “incompetent.” thats a weird thing to feel, but I feel it.

so fix it by doing something competently!

no its not just that, it’s doing 51% or more of all things competently!

i dont WRITE very competently, this writing is a total mess. I dont job search or interview competently. i am not competent with wimmin. or employers. or personal hygiene. i AM competent with walking however. i am sort of competent with sticking to my calorie goal. i am competent with driving. thats a pretty big deal. i can drive places and not get in accidents ever. that should get me SOMETHING hahahaha.

i mean i wouldnt want to drive for a JOB. I would be totally incompetent driving a TRUCK.

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME that the majority of your working life would be spent feverishly trying to convince angry people that you weren’t an idiot, you weren’t incompetent. Well, you were KINDA incompetent, but you weren’t an IDIOT, you just weren’t QUICK witted. You aren’t QUICK WITTED, but you are smart, you swear! You got an A in Calculus 2 and got a 4.0 in high school and a 3.9 in Community College and a 3.7 in University! you were in the top 10% in high school! you peaked in high school! you should have seen me when I was 17! you wouldnt thought I was an idiot THEN! good thing that was literally half a lifetime ago.

 

GAS THE NORMIES NEET UPRISING NOW

july 23

had weird nightmare that people were gradually being taken over by aliens. like body snatchers but they didnt look like humans at all, they looked more like Giant HR Giger Xenomorphs.

funny that you seem to be sleeping the deepest when you are having a terrifying nightmare that you WANT to wake up from. normally you LIKE and WANT to be sleeping deeply. but not now.

is it a good or a bad thing when an employer makes you  print out and sign an application and makes you come in to the office between 4:30pm to drop off the physical papers?

it sounds embarrassingly behind the times, like you’re hiding behind this outdated procedure and will keep the best candidates away.

but there’s also the argument that its a barrier to entry that will keep the WORST candidates away.

so, are you keeping away GOOD candidates, or keeping BAD candidates away?

probably BOTH tbh. you just snip off the outlying tails: the very best AND the very worst.

is it worth it?

but then this is a municipal position where quality is not necessarily necessary!

but companies can be inefficient as fook TOO. and managers much more incompetent than the people they manage.

well, the BEST candidates will eventually find jobs anyway, and probably not without having to go thru 20 interviews, or submitting six hundred applications.

in other words, i am more bad than good hahahaha. on the bad side of the bell curve hehehehe. below average. how do below average people get jobs? by looking for BELOW AVERAGE JOBS.

having an honest perception of what YOUR value on the market really is.  be like, i’m not worth much, and I know it.

but i kinda want the municipal, unionized, 37.5 hours a week, job, so i will follow their EMBARRASSINGLY OUTDATED policies of printing out the pdf.

do they just not KNOW how to accept applications electonically? there are LOTS of people out there who dont know how 2 email, how to add attachments to an email, cant grok how to make passwords for an account. hell no will they know how to set up a pdf to accept a verified signature.

shit you dont even NEED a signature. you can just type in your full name, or check this box to act as your signature.

or just email a god damn resume and cover letter and be done with it.

but noooooooooooooooooo.

I’ve got to PRINT OUT SIXTEEN PAGES and do a signature in ink.

but its a 34k job. kind of out of my league no?

yeah well i have recently interviewed for a 40k a year job mother fooker hahahaha.

aaannnnddd the professional woman i interviewed with on wednesday is not gonna accept my linkedin invite, even though she has 250 connections. well i didnt EXPECT her to anyway. but i am still ENTITLED to call her a bitch hahahaha even though my EXPECTATIONS were MANAGED hahahaha.

the LANGUAGE these people speak! so gay. GAY.wav. YOU FAIRY.wav.

http://www.realmofdarkness.net/pc/sb/pacino/3

oh lord soundboards hahahahahaha

i dont care if david mamet is a HUGE joo, this is still a great movie.

stands the test of time better than woody allens immoral filth.

i am thinking david mamet is way more moral than woody allen.

hopefully. i’m certainly willing to throw mamet in the oven too if he doesnt pass the test.

thats emblematic of muh confusion and weakness, i used to be a HUGE woody allen fan. I thought his neurotic bullshit was SOPHISTICATED and INTELLIGENT.

i still dont really want to crap on “hannah and her sisters”, prob my fav allen film.

but i can definitely crap on it where needed. like its never ok to cheat on your wife with your wifes sister. or to cheat on your boifran with your sisters husband. and woody allen attempting to write goy characters is more insulting and patronizing than women writing male characters hahahaha.  he makes the goys so weak and jooish rather than strong and proud.

absolutely no need to watch woody’s homages to bergman, just watch bergman instead, and there’s big problems with bergman too. he was a white goy but imho he symbolizes sweden becoming jooified. behind every swede there is a joo rubbing his hairy merchant hands hahahaha. be like the poles and throw the bums out.

it’s hard to see all this when you are a 20 year old child swept up in the romanticism of it all.

so youre a jooish neet offended by my anti jooishness? too bad. have your rich father get you a job and get you expensive psych md’s. go to the jcc and bang 18 year jooish sluts. become a counselor at joocamp and bang the female joocamp counselors. just dont get butthurt when theyre banging all the other male counselors. and administrators.

its easier for whites to become neets than joos, because in the current year, joos have a better social support system. your whole family can be poor white trash doing meth and drinking moonshine. there’s no counterpart in the jooish community. every joo has a rich uncle or cousin. doctors, lawyers, executives, business owners. shit you could probably get a job in israel too.  i have no desire to help joos. they have enough help. my fellow goyim are the ones who NEED help in this area.

the fatherland made a good point in epsidoe 36 (i think), the one with jeronimus guest and in fatherland after dark hour 3, they talked about “The BQ” and using MJ.

they made the good point that even though MJ is degenerate, you dont need to get into a Purity Spiral about it, and if you Do MJ once a year to help you Bond Deeper with your Wife, that is fine. Exec Producer Bradan “Killer of Dogs” tells story about how he was having marital trouble so they went to a church sponsored marriage retreat. there was an implied point which I would have made explicit: oh you mean his wife didnt just leave him when the going got tough? she was willing to go get marital help with him, and put in effort to WORK through the tough times? good.

anyway part of the thing was they got a night in a nice hotel, so they decided to go to the washington state legal MJ dispensary and get some brownies to spice up the night. they had a lot of fun and did not turn into degen MJ zombies like 75% of MJ users.

point is, degen things, in MODERATION, are not so bad.

except being a slut and giving up secs to strangers easily. but that was never on the table. these are men doing degen things in strcit moderation with their LONGTERM MONOG WIVES.

like the idea of doing Butt Stuff with your Wife just once to say you did it. totally different than crazy butt sluts getting random bar badbois to do me in the ass.

they mentioned a degenerate bar that was doing a “walk of shame” promotion by giving free bloody marys to any woman who showed a receipt for PLAN B purchase. we all agreed that was absolutely disgusting.

i felt bad for jeronimus because he didnt have the best showing. he could have done a lot better and I think he was just having an off day. he sounded a bit like an autist and also was not talking where his opinion would have been very welcome by me.

i can relate. like where you just have a BAD DAY and then the whole world judges you for that. and you know you’re having a bad day but you just can’t shake it. you just have to survive through it, try to get good sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. but when everyone is judging you and thinking youre a loser and an autist and an ubermensch and a neet just because you’re having a bad day and you can’t communicate quite right…….that SUCKS.

its HARD to be at the top of your communication game at all times, especially when talking to people all day.

that’s why I will always accept emails as valid form of communication too hahahahaha. shit, take a few days and email me when you are having a better day.

so i gotta drive out there during working hours, which normies could not do, print out 16 pages of paper, which could probably cost 1$ to mail which normies would have to do, then pay 25c at the parking meter hahaha. just to Drop Off a job application.

hungary. another great country. white as hell. weird asian language but that hasnt stopped finns from being great. and hungarians are probably less asian than finns ahahahahahhahaha.

you know your gf is at least a 7 when you can honestly say you would LIKE to see her in a bathing suit, especially a 2-piece “bikini” type. if the thought makes you cringe…..she is below a 7 for sure. and i would never want to be with that type of woman long term, or Create New Life with her!

yeah physical attraction is crude, but its necessary even for a principled moral nondegenerate. needless to say, i found That Woman very attractive. technically she was a 7, but 7 is still pretty good, and with my luv for her, she skyrocket to an 8, 9, or 10. WIFE GOGGLES. LUV GOGGLES. I would have LUVED to see her in a bathing suit. all that soft white flesh.

people are FAT because they are so busy WORKING they dont have TIME to eat and be healthy. Since they are WORKING 60 hours a week at least, having working lunches, all they can do is get fast food, and INHALE the fast food while they do their WORK. and THAT is why people are morbidly obese.  and then even if all you did after you got out of work between work and bed, was exercise, it wouldnt be enough to burn off all that god damn mcdonalds you ate like a pig. an overworked pig hahahaha.

its not uncommon for people to have heart attacks and die on the job, i learned. doesnt have to be a physical job at all. they just need to be fat and unhealthy and older. spend all day eating fast food, drinking soda, dealing with 90000 angry customers, and you giving them the runaround on their confusing issues because it costs too much to fix the problem with your shitty product and erything is a goddamn charade, you get stressed out, boom heart attack dead.

great. how fancy do i have to dress up for dropping off a damn application? i mean its the hottest part of the summer (which i am very thankful for, i luv hot weather), its 90 degrees out there so….

i mean i will dress up for the job, i will dress up for an interview and wear a suit coat in 90 degree waether while i wipe my forehead with paper towels, but dropping off an application? i havent dropped off an application in 3 years hahahaha. and that was for a damn municipal job too. noticing a pattern here. cities are inefficient and incompetent hahahaha and only survive because they are public tax supported leviathans.

kinda want to get some sun early in the afternoon. like 1 pm.

ok did that. did 2.8 mile powerwalk in 95 degree weather, about 55 minutes, got some good sun, vitamin d, took shower.

sheeeeit. 1 year into The Recovery and only now am I realizing that SHE DIDNT KNOW ME AS WELL AS I THOUGHT SHE DID.

In other words WE WERENT AS CLOSE AS I THOUGHT WE WERE.

I thought we were close because I knew alot about her. women don’t usually let me get that close. (but they spread their life creators for random men for instant gratification like ingras.)

really? you think its SPECIAL that a WOMAN is TALKING ABOUT HERSELF?

heh well i did because she didnt seem like a narcissist exhibitionist and actually had a private life.

but point im trying to make, did she really know ME? HELL NO!!! She didnt know about my past with women, she didnt know the story of muh high school and college years, she didnt know that much about my life prior to when i started working at the easy job with her.

i mean, i dont really LIKE talking about these things with people, and she didnt really want to PRY them out of me. the result is, she didn’t know ME NEARLY as wel as I knew HER.

and yeah that was my fault. mostly.

but it also explains how she could forget about me a LOT easier than I could forget about her. she didnt really KNOW me.

hehehehe it’s not really a POSITIVE, feelgood realization hahaha.

maybe if she REALLY knew me, she would have DITCHED me a LOT EARLIER.

and THAT would have been GOOD because it would have saved me a lot of pain!

lesson: make sure they know YOU just as much as you know THEM. if they are telling you intimate things about themselves, return the favor with telling them intimate things about you.

nobody told me that being a WEIRDO would make you a loser with women and with friends…….but it would ALSO affect your ability to MAKE A LIVING as nobody wants to HIRE a WEIRDO.

NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE A WEIRDO. 

heheheh.

thing is, i’m not THAT weird, i am just shy and quiet and boring and lame. i am not a total psychopath, i just have really low quality. like an ahtlete with a really low rating. im just shitty at everything hahahahaha.

too boring, too shy, too wimpy, too quiet, too prudish, too nervous, too awkward, too lame.

also you GOT to have something wrong with you to be 30+ years old and never had a REAL gf. theres a huge red flag there!

so because of THAT people think I am a psycho weirdo creep…..but really I never had a GF because I not too weird, but just didn’t quite make the grade. like a DUD. almost made the minimum, but not quite.

he’s not a PSYCHO, he’s just BELOW THE MINIMUM, hahahahahaha.

why would a company keep re-posting a job like a month later?

why would they delete all the resumes they were sent the first time around?

because none of the 1000 resumes the first time were good enough?

they are holding out for a better candidate, than the 1000 candidates they have got so far?

why not just call the best person out of that 1000?

because the best person out of that 1000 wasn’t good enough, so now they’re gonna try to get a NEW 1000?

or is it just Job Growth Theater? its not a real job opening? they don’t intend to EVER fill this “job?” it just makes it LOOK like their company is doing well, or the economy is doing well?

you think their Office Manager even knows? you’d have to talk to the area manager or president or ceo or board. and you aren’t gonna talk to them. you can’t.

and even if you COULD, you think they’d tell YOU? Joe Flabeetz off the the Streetz?

thinking about recreationally using nyquil during the day, same way I would smoke an MJ if i had some.

no, OF COURSE i would not go over the dosage because im aware of the dangers of acetominophen, unlike women or nonwhites.

so bradan fatherland is like 40 years old and has only done MJ like 3 times in his life. and he lives in damn washington where its LEGAL. i dont think we need to worry about HIM. No I like him a lot, he is very laid back and much less autistic than jim, and probably more fun to hang out with hahahaha.

i mean i really like all the guys on the show. ryan no1 i might have the most mancrush on because he is a total alpha male, very charismatic, and probably has an attractive 7 or above wife hhahahaha. and otto just seems like a very nice, friendly, down to earth guy. jim is the most ridiculous and autistic, but he’s a good guy too.

but i also think about george feels. so he lives in colorado and DOESNT do MJ, that says a lot in my book. ANYONE who lives in a legal weed state and isnt 420 blaze it all day long. not that thats a good thing! its DEGENERATE to use MJ every day! smoke weed erry day! THATS DEGENERATE AF!!!!! but i can totally understand it, IVE BEEN THERE, and I might go back there again. it TEMPTS me like none other.

George feels, i think it might help him tho. prob better than him drinking. not that he drinks THAT much. oh you drank 5 beers last night. get back to me when you are drinking at least 12 beers a day. and go on binges where you stay up all night drinking over a Fifth of Hard Booze getting wasted AF. I dont think george does this. he drinks 4 or 5 ciders or guinesses a few nights a week and feels all guilty about it. he’s not even driving around drunk hahahaha.

get back to me when you are drinking cheap malt liquor, cheap bottom shelf whiskey, or cheap boxed wine.

people who want to get drunk so bad they will drink steel reserve WARM.

just the thought of it makes me nauseous now. thank god. that is the proper reaction.

this is why i like podcasts with 2 people having an interview or conversation. they can pull you out of Downward Spirals of Negative Thoughts, and you can do the same for them. Which is why i think it would be a real neat thing for me to have a Skype Talk with George Feels.

more than 2 people, it gets tricky, like on the fatherland. then some people dont talk so much. 3 is do able but 4 is prob too much.

same deal with the millennial woes hangouts. prob why i stopped listening to those. just too many damn people.

2 people is my sweet spot.

HA, company wants references who are NOT former employers/managers, but who have been your NEIGHBORS for 3 to 5 years. Apparently Eggy got butthurt at this and was rude to the recruiter hahahaha.

i have seen a few applications ask for Non Work References, so I just used the same Work References as usually do. I never had a real life recruiter ask for them though.

well eggy will be blacklisted by that recruiter…..but recruiters are bullshit anyway basically meant to keep people AWAY from jobs. more job theater. i mean they never get back to you anyway. except maybe with eggy they put a note in his file saying this guy is an autist who got angry at the recruiter. if they even have a system for cases. candidate tracking system. they just throw everything away hahahaha. SORRY WE HAVE NO RECORD OF THAT.

just curious. WHY do recruiters ask for non work related references?

to paint a FULLER PICTURE of you than employers can give? to really know what kind of person you are? to screen out weirdos and neets and autists that do good work but are antisocial and weird? again, its all bullshit designed to turn people AWAY. they REALLY DONT CARE. NEVER has a non work related reference MADE THE DIFFERENCE. i just want to see the kind of bullshit the recruiters say about why they do this jooery.

http://www.askamanager.org/2013/04/why-do-employers-ask-for-personal-references-rather-than-professional-ones.html

i actually respect and sort of trust askamanager’s opinion. and she agrees personal references are BULLSHIT. THANK YOU.

ok just had some nyquil. 6.11 pm.

today is the type of PERFECT DAY to go to the lake. 90 degrees all day, HOT and sunny. i wanted to go to the lake but i didnt want to go alone. and i couldnt think of anyone i wanted to go to the lake with……except YOU KNOW WHO. and i havent talked to her in a YEAR.

what would alpha male do? just go to the lake alone and then make tons of hawt young female friends when he shows up by being all charismatic.

COMPANIES should run SCHOOLS. currently schools, even GOOD schools, can’t guarantee that you will be employable. if Companies Ran Schools For Children, K-12, this wouldn’t happen.

If Companies Ran Schools….well at the very least the kids would be prepared for a job at that company hahahaha.

schools would just be 12 years of job training.

why dont they just do that?

but then again, i am a fooking OUTLIER. most normies who go to normie skool get normie jobs.  i am only speaking for 1% of the popular. the real WEIRDOS.

but I’m not a WEIRDO, I’m just SUBPAR, hahaha. SUBMINIMUM.  just Not Good Enough, Unfortunately.  Not what we were looking for, sorry.

well, thank you for saying sorry at least! hahahaha.

instead of saying B+ or B or A in your job bookmarks, i have started putting like B+, APPLY!!! in them, so I know which ones I am more serious about applying for. because that’s all that REALLY matters. am I REALLY gonna apply to this one or not. Some job you know right away. those you put APPLY!!! in the bookmark title so you can spot them quickly, when you are ready to apply for a few jobs and want to take a break from scouring the damn indeed list of fake jobs hahaha.

i thought about how i wanted to take HER to the lake and beach and stare at her big pale white ass in a bathing suit and then have luving but masculine pair bonding secs with her.

then i thought, well she’s just doing that with someone else now. well, she’s probably working at her new job, making 16 dollars an hour, which i can never hope to make. and shell have a long hard day and then see her new boifran and night and get some long hard dick to relieve all that stress.

FINE. you can take all the dicks you want. just TREAT ME THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS AND A HEART. JUST BE NICE TO ME.  you can take all the black cok you want, just BE NICE to me when you dump me.

If i were to do skypes, i’d do one with george feels, def do one with millennial woes, do some with these guys from depression forums. maybe one with a fatherland guy. hahahaha assuming any of those guys would say yes to the idea hahahaha.

i have two main interests apart from muh own navelgazing: huhwhyte nationalist and loser neet feels hahahaha. maybe GOD wants me to combine the two.

well, lemme just say I’m very comfortable speaking for the loser neet feels community. I am NOT comfortable at all speaking for the other community.  i just CANT. they dont want losers speaking for them, shit I dont want losers speaking for them, as a loser I dont WANT to speak for them.

maybe GOD is trying to teach me a lesson to not be racist, and he is gonna answer my prayers in a mysterious way. like i want to have a white waifu and have white children, maybe what GOD will do is send me a stumpy potatoey laotian single mother and i will get to be a surrogate father to her asian bastards, to teach me that Race doesn’t really matter, and that you can love children who aren’t your children as if they ARE your children.

and I would say to the LORD, sorry but thats just not good enough. I asked for WHITE children. white biological children of my own. that was the MINIMUM. you gave me SUB MINIMUM. I do not accept your halfass answer to my prayers. dont you have a QUALITY department hahahahaha. this one is a DUD, hahaha. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. GOTTA DO BETTER, LORD.

the lord works in mysterious ways. sometimes to our prayers he says yes, sometimes he says no, and sometmes he says NOT YET. OR, i’m gonna answer your prayer, but in a totally different way than you expected. you want a wife, i’m gonna send you an ugly nonwhite white to teach you lesson about not being racist and lookist.  its only the NONRACIST people that get wives of their own race, hahahaha. they don’t have any lessons they needed to learn

discipline. being able to do things you don’t like doing, because you HAVE to do them.

of course i try to JOO this by saying, well, i’ll DO it, just dont expect a good job.

NOPE. it STILL has to have good quality. no slacking on quality. DISCIPLINE is not only about doing things when you dont want to do them………but still doing them WELL. HORRY SHEET.

i am an expert in grudgingly, half assedly doing stuff, because i dont like it, i dont want to do it.

yet i dont get good results, because i do the stuff half assed! like maybe i am half assing all these 300 job appliations, because I am not painstakingly crafting every application to the job. because i am only spending 12 minutes per application rather than 30 minutes per application.  i have my Plug And Play sentences in my cover letter…..but the WHOLE COVER LETTER isnt tailored. BUT MAYBE IT SHOULD BE.

but yeah. funny that if two despairers are talking to each other, you can help pull back the other person from spiralling down into despair, being nice to them. but you cant do that with yourself!!!!!! this is a very interesting thing. there is something we can learn and use here.

namely, me talking here, or george making solo videos, is just beating a dead horse, a despair spiral. there needs to be checks and stop signs and guardrails and such to keep us from going off the track. and you can even have another despairer do that for you! they can help others better than they can help themselves!

and i think this is pretty cmmon among despairers!

so maybe this is the ultimate cure for despair: to help other people with despair.

and yeah thats the stated mission of this blog, always has been……..but in reality, its just been me whining about my own bullshit hahahaha rather than helping others.

oh eggy growing his nice long hair. i used to have nice long hair. but i was still a weird creep virgin. then i cut my hair and i sorta got some confidence briefly. then i wanted to grow my hair out again. but it was too late. i had quickly gone bald before age 30.  BRUTAL. shit i STILL might grow the SIDES long hahahaha.

its really not THAT weird for men to have barely any experience with women, like be 30+ and have never had a serious gf. but WOMEN think its WEIRD AS HELL, because they dont appreciate the natural differneces between men and women, and it IS realy weird for a woman to make it to 30 without having a serious boifran.

because women dont have to DO anything.

WOMEN ARE THE SUPPLY, MEN ARE THE DEMAND.

women just do NOT understand this, and men understand it at least implicitly.

sex, relationships, luv, dating, cuddles, affection, making out, anything in that ballpark. women are the supply, men are the demand.

THE SUPPLY CANT DEMAND ITSELF.

The demand can’t supply itself, hahahahaha.

when the demand is high and the supply is low, the price is HIGH AS FOOK.

and the demand will NEVER be low, and the supply will NEVER be high.

well, the supply COULD be higher.  supply of good, decent, marriageable women that is.

july 24

deicide “stench of redemption” 2006 is seen as something of a comeback ater replacing old guitar players  with new ones. i liked a couple decide albums up to “serpents of the light” which i remember when that one came out when i was a total adolescent teen.  SotL was pretty good, then they went on an embarrassingly decline and I just STAHPPED and started listening to opeth and became too cool for deicide. then of course opeth became uncool and uninspired and boring and lame.

now i dont listen to music becuase music is dgenerate hahahaha.

but seriously i dont really care about music made after 2005 and there is plenty of stuff i missed the first time around. like the deicide “legion” album. or sepultura “schizophrenia”. or fookin racist russian black metal bands hahahaha.

i mean seriously. i should be the worlds biggest NSBM fan hahahahaha.

had some nyquil yesterday at like 6 pm, went to bed at 9:30 pm, slept pretty good, did not get out of bed till like 9:30 am, this is pretty standard for nyquil hahaha.

spent all sunday afternoon reading damn metal reviews hahaha.

ok the albums of the day are deicide legion

i never listened to this album and always knew it as “the most technical” deicide album. but decide was never a very technical band! i am really looking for old skool death metal that is br00tal and heavy. hoping there is a heavy guitar sound and blast beats. i am also trying to get a better feel for steve asheim as a drummer, since most people say he is a good drummer, but how good is he really? but i am also looking for something lowbrow, sincere, and badass.

of course later on “technical death metal” became a thing, (gorguts?) and “brutal death metal” became another thing (devourment?) so I am fully aware of that. which is also why i wanted to go back to 1992 before all that shit even existed.

other albums of today:

sepultura: schizophrenia and arise

axis of advance: strike

angelcorpse: exterminate

morbid angel: covenant

niden div 187: impergium

you know i bet at least 20% of men are like me, basically virgins who never had a gf, and women think it is SO WEIRD, BUT IT REALLY ISNT! 20% of men are like us……but women have never met any of us!

the mysterious leader of deathspell omega, hasjarl, is really a 37 year old man named christian bouche who owns a real estate company called sci trident or something and probably is a total EXTRAVERT NORMIE talking to CLIENTS all day and wearing a tailored SUIT and SMILING and Closing deals and making 100k a year and drives a NICE car and wears NICE clothes and probably has an ATTRACTIVE GF from all the money he’s making in real estate hahahahahaha. so how can you take his kvlt music seriously now hahahaha.

well DsO hasnt been relevant since 2012 anyway hahahahahahaha. why did they just STOP suddenly? did he just run out of steam? get too busy making money?

i am being facetious. i hope he makes plenty of money and more importantly, has plenty of white children and doesnt waste any more time on “orthodox satanism.” no such thing for a grown ass white man to be doing.

but again they havent done a damn thing since 2012. cuz he is too busy making money and having secs with attractive wimmin like a NORMIE hahahahaha.

so anyway thats my big thing for this post:

25% of men are 30 year old kissless virgins like me who never had a gf.  it’s NOT THAT WEIRD. women only think its weird because by DEFINITION, because all women have been In Rels, they’ve never really met one of these millions of men! also the men aren’t shouting this from the rooftops, because they are ashamed. they don’t talk about it with women. well i say they should! we should come out of the closet and tell every woman we know that we are huge virgins who never had a gf, just so women, and people in general, but especially women, and to us ourselves, we can see that we ARENT THAT WEIRD!

where am i getting this 25% number? i cant prove it……but YOU CANT PROVE IT EITHER!!!!!!

All about the seed of doubt. i don’t think I could say 50% of men. but 20 or 25%, yeah sure!

of COURSE none of the men women have fooked are VIRGINS! because theyre FOOKING them!!!!!

you’d have to look at the male orbiter friends of the women. certainly they are ashamed of being virgins, and the vain women doesn’t care enough to know.

see, you women ALREADY KNOW some Male Virgins Who Never Had A GF, you just never cared enough to ask! but yeah a good 30% of your Beta Orbiters are Virgins!

You think thats WEIRD? then cut them off of orbiting you! DO THEM A FAVOR!

and do it nicely too! but also be honest! be like, you’re not a bad guy, and this isn’t your fault. its MY fault. but there is NO chance between you and me. its not RIGHT for me to keep leading you on like this. its not RIGHT to use people for the attention and adoration. i will NEVER be your GF. find a woman who will.

heh. its like ive become more hateful against all women, after this one woman.

yet when i was getting along with that one woman, i wasn’t nearly as hateful towards all women. i was more balanced, less hateful.

basically i need to be getting along with at least one woman in order to “humanize” women for me, to show me that not all women are horrible, AND to give me the confidence that I CAN get along with a woman, and am not some Huge Weird Virgin who Repels Women.

it’s hard to not think like that when I don’t have any female friends hahahaha. no evidence to the contrary.

went for 4.2 minle pwoerwalk. listend to arise and legion. arise has great heavy guitar sound. i probably didnt fully understand or appreciate this when i first heard it when i was young and i preferred the “groove” stuff like chaos ad.  yes, i did like “roots.” NO, I did not like “against.” I had the first soulfly album but I didnt super like it. but it was better than “against” hahaha. but after that sepultura became shameful and max became shameful and I forgot that, together, they USED to be a force to be VERY reckoned with. like on “arise.” great metal album for any metal fan.

deicide legion was….also early 90s scott burns stuff. the first deicide i ever heard was “once upon the cross” 1995, which was sorta new at the time, and i remember seeing it in the record store and being frightened of how blasphemous and evil the cover was. like wow this deicide band is the most extreme thing ever. then my friend got the album and i made a tape of it because i was too scared to actually buy the album hahaha. but i enjoyed the album and it was my first real taste of Death Metal. and then serpents of the light came out and i was fully on board with that one. also listened to their live album which came out after that, it was a great live album. “when satan lives.” and also listened to their first album a bit. but totally skipped over “legion.”

so i listened to it today and it was pretty good. super distorted and kinda sloppy guitars. the bass mixes well with it though, you can always hear the bass rumbling.  drums sound pretty good, hold the chaos together. benton sounds hateful but not as intimidating as he did on “once upon the cross”, here he sounds more human. no he sounds fine, no problems there.

but yeah OUTC and SOTL are definitely more catchy than this. better riffs. but legion definitely has replay value. some MJ would help though. and I bet it sounds better loud on good speakers.

see i think goatwh0re knows how to get really good production. the stuff is clear, and heavy, and not super polished. but the guitars sound way heavier than say “legion.” although their newer stuff is not as Inspired as their Older Stuff. also their drums are never clicky. this is how guitars and drums should sound IMHO. basically if all metal albums sounded like that, I would be happy. purists will say its not raw enough. i saw it’s plenty raw enough. if it sounds TOO raw then it stops being HEAVY and just sounds like CARDBOARD.

Women think its SO WEIRD when a guy is a virgin and or nevergf. Theyre like EW WEIRD uh NO I never met any weirdos like that. Well shit yeah you have. every guy you rejected as being too nice or too weird. just look at your orbiters. if you treated your orbiters as people and ACTUALLY GOT TO KNOW THEM, you would find that some of them are virgin nevergfs.

TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE.

YES the orbtiers are dumb for orbiting around you like a servile puppy dog, but if you were a virgin nevergf desperate for a gf, youd do the same thing too.

GET TO KNOW YOUR ORBITERS. you will be surprised at what you learn. you could learn soemthing from their lives of quiet desperation hahahaha. gain some sympathy for nevergfs who are just lonely as fook. learn more about the nevergf/neverrel life. shit yeah its scary. be thankful that you will never know it. but you SHOULD make an effort to learn about it. because its the life many of your orbiters live, and you dont even KNOW.

NEVERGF. WE ARE LEGION. EXPECT US.

aajjajajaja. 25% of men baby.

well, it doesnt MATTER if a 16 year old or 18 year old boy is a virgin. it really starts being “WEIRD” around age 25. so, lets say 25% of men over 25 are nevergf virgins. there. BELIEVE IT.

IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE AND ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW THEM as people rather than adoration-showering objects, you’d see that you actually know a LOT of male nevergf virgins! ITS NOT THAT WEIRD!

hey it wasnt for lack of trying! I WANTED To make it work! THEY NEVER WANTED to make it work! They just wanted to WALK OUT and BAIL and leave me in the LURCH.

I didnt BAIL on the relship, THEY did!!!!!!! I wanted to put in the WORK, THEY didn’t!!!!!

thats why i am nevergf hahahaha.  its THEIR fault hahahahahaha.

when woman2012 dumped me (and she was VERY GOOD about it, but i was STILL upset), i was just starting to become friends with woman2015. I was getting along with her really well, but i couldnt even THINK of her like that, i was still obsessed with the other woman. but it was good that i could get along with a woman. talk to a owman normally. i don’t have that now. so i totally doubt my ability to talk to women, get along with women, have female friends, get along with women like human beings. i don’t have any of that at the moment like i did in 2012, 2013. 2014. some of 2015. although things were bad in 2015. worse than I even knew.

well i sorta get along with some women. i see peoples GF’s at my weekly social event. we are nice to eaach other and i do VERY small talk with them. but i had gotten closer to That Woman in ONE MONTH than i have gotten to any of these women. which isnt to say That Woman Moved FAST – just that we both got along really well and hit it off immediately and had small talk really easily and could just talk real easy about lots of stuff, in a way that I can’t just do with anybody and everybody. but some people CAN. especially women hahaha. they turn on the charm and make you feel special, but you’re really not hahahaha. how many guys has she done that with in the past year? how many new guys she fooked? met from dating sites? how many new omega virgin orbiters has she had that think they have such a special connection? how many chumps thought the same thing i did? WOW i just NEVER get along with WOMEN so well, this gurl is really SPECIAL!!!!!

but i can tell you she honestly wasnt a slut, was not an extravert, did not get out much, did not meet a lot of new people. at least back then. who knows what she’s become now. in the past year. and it just DOESNT MATTER because I will never know her again! but you can see i still want to!

i was thinking of getting hooker this year, maybe that would help. actually making the call wuld be the hardest.

also i would have to get a damn job of course.

get a damn job so i can buy MJ and get a hooker hahahahaha.

get blazed on MJ and then walk around for 2 hours listening to music and fatherland and george feels and self made podcasts of me reading Knowledge about whatever my ridic job is hahahahaha. trying to learn and know EVERYTHING so i am prepared for explaining the most ridiculous shit to angry callers day in day out. well WHY cant you help me. sorry just can. no you CANT speak to the supervisor. hes in a meeting. no we dont call people back.

why dont they teach THESE soft skills in schools? if COMPANIES ran schools, like they should……they WOULD!

heheheh why didnt SCHOOL teach me the things COMPANIES want in order to give me a JOB and PAY me ?!?!??!?!?! Like how to bullshit people who want to speak to a manager? like how to bullshit when something makes no sense but you have to handle it now and can’t pass it to someone else?

ht     tp://scottberkun.com/essays/53-how-to-detect-bullshit/

unfortunately, all the articles on the internet are on how to detect bullshit and how to destroy it…….not on how to CREATE IT CONVINCINGLY ON THE SPOT, UNDER PRESSURE, WHEN IT IS MOST NEEDED.

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how%20to%20come%20up%20with%20bullshit%20explanations%20on%20the%20spot

googles got NOTHING hhahahaha.

i mean my bullshit detector is pretty good. i think EVERYTHING is bullshit hahahah. i dont LIKE bullshit. i hate it. i dont WANT to do it. I just HAVE To do it to survive on muh job.

no i dont! i havent done this in a YEAR!

george feels said that his father, who had been unemployed for THREE long years, complained about his previous job like it had just happened YESTERDAY. it was that unpleasant, and that fresh in his mind still. its like you can be permanently SCARRED, george noted.

i kinda have that. it has been over a year, yet I can remember that unpleasant feeling as clear as day.

too bad I can’t remember detailed STORIES that I can use in an INTERVIEW to show how AWESOME and SMART and cool under pressure I am!

but yeah it IS stupid and scary and sad that a bad job can almost SCAR you like this.  hope you never know that feel, GEORGE. check your unscarred privilege hahahaha.

all this stuff on the internet on how to DEAL WITH bullshit, but NOTHING on HOW TO bullshit. so how do all these bullshitters learn? it just comes NATURALLY to them? it must! cuz I don’t see a single article TEACHING somebody HOW TO bullshit. I would really like to read that article.

no, there is ONE article out there, and its OK, but I need MUCH MORE.

 

 

WORSE THAN BEING ABORTED: STILL ALIVE TO SUFFER

july 7

had interview today, 5 people grilling me, 1 hour and 20 minute interview, 40k job tho damn.

then went on linked in and switched my settings to anonymous mode so i could look at people from my old job. started feeling bad. like damn they can handle taking confusing angry phone calls all day, how come i cant? they found new jobs, the are able to think fast and act quick. oh 3 people from my company went over to this other company. I WONDER if thats where SHE went too. oh i wonder if shes fooking one of those guys then. or maybe she already fooked him and now they hate each other but still work together.

how come just the thought of answering those calls and dealing with those weird problems strikes fear into my heart? i wish i could be AS GOOD as her in the stupid competition of life. compete with her on HER terms and PROVE that I am at LEAST as good as her, can do the same kind of ridiculous work, make the same decent money.

and now she goes on and makes new friends and knows the people we worked with, longer than I knew her….which was a pretty long time. and I am stuck in the past. and she has moved past me, and I am just a faded memory in her past, that she has mostly forgotten.

next on the listening:

diocletian: gesundrian

proclamation: nether tombs of abbadon (terrible reviews, as their well of ideas has run dry and they are just going thru the blasphemous motions. but I sorta think the production sounds best on this one. and I figure each album will sound exactly the same, so production is VERY important here.)

i should be talking about this interview hehehe.

i figure, they interview 5 people, that means you START OFF at a 20% chance of getting the job. then depending on how you do, you go up or down. probably not more than 10% either way.

anyway it was me, and 5 managers, in a room for 1 hour and 20 minutes. 5 people making 25 bucks an hour to spend 90 minutes of Paid Time with ME hahahahaha.

ok did 5 mile walk, listened to those things. i just dont have great headphones. i have 10 dollar headphones when i should invest in some good 50 dollar headphones, but i just cant right now till i establish an income stream other than 2 dollars a week on mturk hahaha. i could only stand about 10 to 14 minutes of the proclamation. but its nice to come back to that noise for 14 minutes a day or so.

the diocletian sounded sorta like angel corpse but with some slow parts. great sound, again hurt by my headphones. great drum and guitar sound, great fast blasts, no triggers like some f4ggy death metal band hahaha.

i just hate sounding incompetent with a caller who wants me to fix a problem, because I AM incompetent, and i DONT know what I’m doing. and i hate that SHE was better at that in the long run than me.

and if you can stay good at that in the long run, you can actually advance in the stupid tech support field. become a tier 2, then a tier 3, then a manager, get jobs at increasingly better companies. you just gotta tough it out. and I couldn’t do it, and she COULD. AND she doesn’t CARE about ME, when I KNOW she once did. she was tough enough to do the job, and to KEEP doing the job a year later, but she wasnt courageous enough to SHOW CARE about ME. fooooooook.

i mean other women have been tougher and more competent than me. better at their jobs. doing tough jobs. cool under pressure. going gets tough, tough get going. other women have Bested me at that competition, but I didn’t care nearly AS much because they showed a lot more courtesy to me when they dumped me. they said sorry that I have to do this. and then went on to become hugely successful in their careers. just like THAT PERSON is going to be. I came CLOSE to looking her up on linkedin today. I thought she might work at this company several people from our company went to.

theres a difference between “taking the black pill” ie looking a unpleasant things, because you might learn a valuable lesson…….vs TORTURING yourself by COMPARING yourself to others unfavorably on linkedin. looking at all those fookin WINNERS on linkedin. or f4gbook or that matter. oh im so successful at muh career. i am not on the verge of a nervous breakdown and im getting MARRIED to a person I LUV and want to make babies with. we just had a baby. were having our second baby. chad just got promoted to Team Lead this year, which meant more money for our growing family. Stacy finished her masters degree in Talent Acquisition which resulted in a big pay raise for her too.

that fooking bullshit successful middle class normie STRIVERS talk about in their christmas card letters!!!!

so yeah. SOME blackpilling is ok, but I don’t think this comparing yourself is really helpful, nor is it legit blackpilling. its more digging yourself into a rut and putting yourself into a bad mood. better to just STOP, and just apply for another job, or go for a 5 mile walk and listen to EVIL raw black metal like blasphemy or proclamation hahahaha.

black lives matter hehehe how about MY life matters. I wanted MY life to matter to HER. not even in a tradwife luv sort of way, but just in GENERAL.  even before i fell in luv her life matter to me, and my life mattered to her. i just wished my life could have mattered to her at the END. rather than being murdered like an aborted child hahahaha.

now i know what that aborted child feels like with the silent scream, as it screams pleeeease mommy dont murder me, and then they get murdered anyway. and then you get to stay alive enough to be able to see that, and think about it for years hahahaha. and you wonder how could your own mother murder you hehehe.

so in a while its WORSE than being aborted! because you are still ALIVE TO SUFFER!!

at least the aborted baby has the privilege of not being able to suffer any more. they are put out of their misery!

july 8

foreveralone feels, an actual 30 year old wizard virgin with a youtube channel whoooooaaaaa

i mean he LOOKS like one! but he also doesnt look TOO bad, or irredemable. its sad.

instantly subscribed.

The “why are women fooked” question is actually really easy: because they don’t have to be good to pass on their genes. They just have to take a dick and keep the baby alive. The men have to slave, fight and die over who gets to keep them.

great quote from great trs thread on how bad women are hahaha

but yeah i might as well be a 30 year old virgin. i had secs 2 times with a gurl when i was 21………AND THEN NEVER EVER AGAIN hahahaha and now I am 30+.

its a really unique situation. there’s no manual for this. the wizards dont understand, the normie chads sure dont understand. i guess people can still advise you: be a stronger, better, man with purpose. then you can keep a woman from dumping you. easier said than done tho hahaha.

huge anti police shooting in dallas, its HAPPENING, 4-5 officers dead, wow, i mean i can honestly say stuff was NOT liek this when I was young. shit is objectively getting BAD.

i meditated on my desire to bang gurls up the ass and I figured it had to do with a desire to PUNISH them and cause them some pain. for not wanting anything to do with me, and also for Playing Around with the LIfe Creation Process so casually.

I was always kinda afraid of the Vag and Secs because I always understood THATS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. this is NOT a casual, fun process. if you want to have PURELY recreational secs, then do it up the ass like mexican sluts or f4gs. that’s the fookhole for people who REALLY dont want to have babies. and i dont want to have babies. babies are a BIG DEAL and Im not ready for that. so i dont want to treat the pvssy like some kind of casual funland.

and women are stupid and inferior for treating their OWN pvssies like that. theyre the ones who GET pregnant!!!! how can they NOT know this and need a man to mansplain it to them? because thats how women ARE. and I was like holy shit that sucks SO MUCH. How can I POSSIBLY respect or even LIKE women. they are DISGUSTING.

so hence the desire to bang them in the ass. to somewhat punish them, and also to show that I wanted to remove ALL chance of conception. well why not just use birth control.

because i’ve ALWAYS believe that BC is flawed. that its putting up an unnatural roadblock to something natural. and you just dont need to do that with the ass. because the ass is not MADE FOR REPRODUCTION. its made for expelling shit.

so yeah still its degenerate to want to put muh dick in an EXIT hole! I fully own and admit that. own muh degeneracy.

well its not like Im going out banging sluts in the ass, or watching porno of it! although I used to. but i havent looked at porno in….242 days.

the shit with the woman WENT DOWN 360 days ago. almost a year.

sent her the last email 326 days ago.

last got a haircut 101 days ago. and I am fully planning on getting a nice very short haircut TODAY.

later. got nice short level 1 haircut! very nice. do this more like every 2 months, not every 3 months. it was looking bad on the sides, like an unemployable loser neet wizard virgin. dont do this. i am scottish with spending money, but in this case, its WORTH THE MONEY. just spend the money and get a haircut every 2 months. they barber didnt even ask about muh JOB hahaha.

also now i look more masculine, like a real ross bay powerlifting black metal skinhead. i would also add 1433 to that, althought the ross bay cult is NOT associated with 1433. but they should really consider it! although the black guy in the band blasphemy hahahaha well i will give him a pass.

BUT really raw drunken satanic black metal is degenerate anyway, and degeneracy and 1433 is like OIL AND WATER.

so, switch all that drunken satan imagery with like Nationalistic War imagery. you can still have those kewl black and white drawings! just instead of goatz and sp00py skellys with goathorns, you can have like soldiers and fuhrers and gunz and tradfams and such.

being CONFUSED SUCKS. it kills your confidence and can lead to Chronic Stress.

also you feel like you are getting early onset dementia or alzheimers at age 35. WTF. that is very frustrating.

or was it just because you smoked too much MJ and drank too much alcohol before age 25? because ya sure did. sure screwed the pooch on that one. dicked the dog. fooked fido.

like worshiping satan and evil is stupid, immature, degenerate, and really doesnt make sense. being a 1433 whyte warrior makes TOTAL sense. 14 words make TOTAL sense. so express THAT in your music.

had stupid dream last night where I dreamed I was looking at pictures of HER, on facebook or instagram or whatever. i saw a photo of her from new years eve where she was kissing a black guy. i reacted with disgust and horror and anger, much like you would expect me to hahahaha. i make no apologies for not liking mudsharking, and I am ESPECIALLY offended when the woman I luv would rather fook and kiss blacks than have anything to do with ME. it really stings the pride knowing a black guy is better at getting the woman of your dreams than you are. and that the woman of your dreams would rather be with a black guy than you, ya racially-aware whyte man.

also IRL she did go out with a black guy but I never saw secsy pictures of that thank god. but the fact is, they were making out and FOOKING. she she suck his dick? most certainly. Did he blast jizz on her pretty face? maybe. did he fook her up the ass? maybe. did he fook her doggystyle and blast on her nice white ass? certainly. did he pound that pvssy with her fine white body pressed up against him while they made out and she sighed in Ecstasy? 100000% yes definitely. things I will never experience with her hehehehe.

And I have always like kissing and making out MORE than secs. it seems so pure and fun and innocent and safe and good. and secs seems so dirty and bad and pornographic and dangerous and bad. not because it is, but because the way the women treat it like its NOTHING. treat it with more reverence.

so I always LIKED making out and kissing more. it means a lot to me. I would have had a LOT of fun making out with her. I had a LOT of fun just making out with gurls. then they would get bored, want secs, and dump me when they correctly ascertained that I wanted a real rel.

i get dumped because i always want a RELATIONSHIP with women hahahaha what a MONSTER I am.

clingy and needy, always wanted a Relationship.

oh well there’s serious rels and then theres casual rels. why do I always want a serious rel?

because I am an OLD SCHOOL WHITE MAN, and I KNOW that sex cannot be treated CASUALLY!

so yeah not only do i think secs is intmate, i think KISSING is kinda intimate too! and i feel a lot more positively towards it than secs, ie its something i can actually enjoy, possibly because it doesnt make babies but still allows you to show affection for your bitch, like cuddling. and its much SAFER and lower RISK, and I think its super FUN and stress free, and I RESENT women for not liking it so much, or thinking its BORING.

if you think somethings boring, YOUR BORING hahahahahahaha.

if you’re BORED, YOURE BORING.

uncle bern might have clued me into that saying.

oh lord their are LATVIANS speaking LATVIAN in the poker room hahahaha.

this is really interesting. yes i luv latvians, they are white as hell. or are they finngolian hahaha. latvians are classic joohaters and ovened 6 gorillion joos in riga in 1943.

 

 

YOU ARE THE CREATORS OF LIFE, SO HAVE SOME D4MN RESPECT FOR IT

feb 22

not so dear person: it sucks when you treat somebody like they did something wrong. when other women dumped me they were very sweet and nice about it, went out of their way to try to spare my feelings. that helped a lot compared to this. youve made no effort to do that, in fact, it seems like you are deliberately trying to hurt me even MORE on top of the rejection: adding insult to injury. this may because you legitimately think i did ahorrible thing to you, that i wronged you, that i manipulated and lied and decieved and betrayed you, so you think you’re justified in showing me contempt and disrespect for that.

i agree cheaters and liars deserve contempt…..but i really really dont think thats what i did. believe me i am predisposed towards guilt and shame and self-blame, so i did blame myself a lot, when you blamed me. i figured you couldnt be wrong. you felt betrayed, so that was all the evidence that was needed. but as time passed, i began to realize, maybe this was all just a horrible misunderstanding, and that you drew the wrong conclusions from what you thought i was doing. i dont feel i betrayed you at ALL. actually i felt that pretty quickly and addressed in in email3 and email4. also i dont know the specifics of what youre feeling because you wont tell me. are you angry? hateful? confused? sad? i mean i KNOW youre upset but that could mean a lot of things. basically do you hate me or not. it SEEMS like it, but im not sure. and i strongly dispute that what i did was something that makes me hateable. i dont think you should be blaming and hating and shaming me for it! i want you to just try to be nice to me! tell me why you want to be mean to me rather than nice. do you think i MANIPULATED you? i would LOVE to go to dr phil and work with him so his team of professionals could explain better than i can why this is such a misunderstanding, and help us communicate with each other better to help resolve it. but im a bti angry because i feel it boils down to the WILLINGNESS to communicate. i am MORE than willing, ive been BEGGING you to communicate, and writing you long emails. in response, you have blocked me and ignored me and said not a single word: showing no willingness whatsoever to listen or to talk. i cant make you want to communicate but it really really hurts me that you dont want to communicate with me at all, since it has the potential to relieve a LOT of my pain, and to make this a good breakup rather than a bad, horrible breakup. why would anyone choose a bad breakup when they have the power to make it a good breakup? breakups are naturally painful as it is, why not try to minimize the pain? right now i feel you are MAXIMIZING the pain. I cant do anything about that. only you can. by communicating with me. write me an email please. the longer the better. tell me what you think about all this, the way i have been doing. go into great detail. but try not to directly hurt me. i dont want to directly hurt you. i dont hate you. it seems you hate me and that hurts me so much.

this doesnt have to end badly. it can end well. why would anyone want something to end badly, where you look back in the years and say that ended badly? when it could have ended much much better? i dont have the power to do anything more. ive literally done everything i can. its all up to you now. i need you to communicate with me and work with me a little here. i cant turn this negative into a positive without your help. so please be willing to give that help. i believe its in your interest to want to end this well, just because of how you will remember it in the long term. it doesnt have to be this bad. is this how you would want someone to end a relationship with you?

its really hard for me to put myself in your position because ive never hated someone like this, ive never ended a relationship like this before, i would never want to. please make an effort to do the right thing. please try to ease some of my pain. please show me some compassion and respect. i dont understand how i dont deserve ANY compassion or respect. i believe i do deserve it. im more than willing to meet with a relationship therapist professional. i already have a therapist i talk to once a month. could you please come with me and we could talk to them together.

im not a bad guy and i hate it when you treat me like i am a horrible person. its so hard on me to end such a good relationship in such a horrible way. and yes a 2.7 year friendship is a relationship, even if i started wanting a different kind of relationship at the end.

Talk to your family. let me talk to your family. tell me your side of the story, and let me tell you my side of the story. this isnt a case of a person blatantly cheating and then saying “its not what it looks like! i swear!”, or someone blatantly abusing someone and then saying “this isnt abuse! this is love! you made me do this! im not doing anything wrong! its all in your head!”.  i was cowardly and fearful but i dont think thats nearly on the same level as abuse, or cheating, or even manipulation. hasn’t your anger towards me cooled off even just a little bit? how can you end a 2.7 year relationship by essentially just blocking the other person like a facebook block? i honestly think i deserve better than that, and that both people in a relationship have some responsibilities towards each other. yes i was cowardly on upholding some of my responsibilities in talking to you sooner, but i just think that WAY OUT OF PROPORTION to throwing someone away like this. the punishment does not fit the crime. its like being sentenced to a life in prison without parole for a speeding ticket. please dont do this. please think of my feelings. it blows my mind that you once cared about me and my feelings and now i am not feeling even 1% of that sense of caring. show me more respect and compassion. just talk to me already. this is no way to end an important relationship.

when you want to get out of a rel, its COMMON COURTESY to let the other person give their opinion. there are consequences to your actions and a big one is that that person will feel a lot of pain. its courteous to acknowledge their pain and try to ease it and to reassure them they are a good person, that they didnt do anything WRONG. because they are ALREADY gonna be blaming themselves. try to ease that for them. show one final act of compassion to this person who opened their heart to you, became vulnerable for you, who YOU were an important part of their life. respect the pain that they will feel. dont add insult to injury by treating them like they deserved it! unless they really deserved it by treating you like a piece of garbage.

i dont deserve being treated like a piece of garbage, because i never treated you like a piece of garbage!!!!

/end

heh. had another dream with woman2012 last night. 2 nights in a row now! in this dream she seemed a little more normal. sluttier hahahaha. she talked about going to parties and drinking, which she never did in real life. i dont normally like these qualities in women, cuz it usually means they are a slut. going to parties, getting drunk, having lots of casual sex with guys they meet at these parties. no thank you.  but in the dream, she was being super nice and coy and girly to me, smiling at me, staring at me, and invited me directly to hang out with her. THIS, i liked! its ok if theyre a slut if they are showing interest in ME! so she invited me to go to a party with her on saturday and i was like hell yeah and felt really happy and alpha and then the dream ended.

never mind that she COULD invite me to the party but immediately lose all interest and just get drunk and fook other guys. but the INTERESTED, flirty way she invited me, implied to me she would probably not do that.

so yeah i basically did a fist pump and said YUSSSS!!!!! like i had just SCORED. feels good man. dont get that feel every 2 years hahahaha.

but yeah girls who go to parties and drink regularly and hang out wiht a lot of guys are BAD NEWS and i have stayed away from girls like that ever since i was 26 hahahaha.

woman2015 was borderline white trash but she did not party and drink. good for her i said. she was also not a slut. she spent a lot of time with her family. a family oriented homebody. the pros of her being a good hearted person outweighed the cons of her being white trash, fatherless, and having Coal Burned. and another thing too i wont mention here because i still have some decency hahahaha.

but we were two different people and i thought we had very similar personalities and values and “Worldviews”; but at the end of the day, shed had a very different life than ive had. very very different. i had a stable family which i thank GOD for.

but yeah really the lives of the vast majority of women are VASTLY different to mine: they have had lots of secs partners, they have had long term relationships, they treat human life like garbage, they throw people away, they abort their children, they play with secs like it cant create human life, and when it does, they just throw that life away. theyve had short term flings and very long term rels. most women have had long term monog rels that last like 2 or 3 years or more before they finally get bored and dump him. ive never experienced that kind of long term intimacy, and if i did, i sure wouldnt THROW IT AWAY like that!

women are the WORST thrower awayers! its HORRIBLE! have some RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE!

you are the CREATORS of human life, so have some damn RESPECT for it! and not perpetuate a CULTURE OF DEATH!!!!!!!!! fooking EVIL.

yeah thats what bothers me. that women are evil because of the fookin cavalier way they treat human LIVES: the people they throw away, the way they play around with the life creation process so cavalierly. even women that seem to have decent morals, miss this very basic fundamental moral principle, that it really endangers their entire morality, threatens to make them not moral, not decent people, if you can be so wrong on such a big thing.

i hate the imposter syndrome, where you feel you dont know how to do your job. where its your job to fix something, and you think i dont know how to fix this, cuz you dont! and the people who DO know how to fix it dont want to help you, they say figure it out, or find some way to get rid of the person without fixing it, im too busy to help you, stop wasting our time or youre fired for wasting resources and being inefficient. yeah well its our JOB to fix shit, not give people a n199erish RUNAROUND, so you do YOUR job and help me FIX this, because fixing shit is the entire purpose of our department………..isnt it???!?!?!?!

but in fact its really to give the IMPRESSION of fixing shit, because ACTUALLY fixing shit costs too much money.

that said, we did actually fix some shit, which made the illusion/impression all that more powerful and harmful. mixing lies with the truth so you dont know whats what any more. total confusion and chaos. its stressful and it eats away at you day after day. makes you want to blaze it like a n19ra at the end of every day.

cuz i am too honest. i want to fix problems when that is the OBVIOUS mission of our department. not pay lip service, not give bullshit excuses, and give a runaround, especially when i dont even KNOW what kind of bullshit excuses to give them, and i have to say, id like to help you, but i dont know how, and i cant get any help on this, and ive got to get you off the phone as soon as possible, whether i fix your problem or not.

its like taking a test all day where you arent given the chance to study or prepare, and you dont even know where to look, because many “solutions” do not even officially EXIST. you have a really shitty and incomplete “textbook” that is supplemented with many other things which you dont even know what or where they are.

ideally you would have TWO agents taking every call, a junior and a senior person, where the junior could then learn from the senior. but then you’d be spending TWICE as much money, and also, you dont have ENOUGH seniors who actually know what theyre doing! you have a department where not enough people know what they are doing because EVERYONE wants to get out of there ASAP! the people who do know shit LEAVE for better jobs…..and some just go CRAZY and QUIT, like I did. and i was starting to get over the learning curve. i survived long months of imposter syndrome and feeling totally incompetent and lost. i fought that battle and was starting to WIN! and then i just totally choked and cracked and broke down. that sucks.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/27/4361/

you can see as of late oct 2014 i was sending signals via text AND i fully expected to hang out VERY soon, like yep we WILL hang out this weekend and I Will Rip the Bandaid off and get it over with. funny. at this point the excuses started from her and little did i know we would never hang out again. damn.

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2014/12/

see that whole month of posts

https://upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com/2015/01/

in november the Distance started. i said i would give her some time and space. little did i know that meant FOREVER. i said “the ball is SO in her court its not even funny.” as of november. then shit got worse and worse until JULY. but as of november i still had SOME confidence and swagger and a cool head and i was not DEVASTATED. it hadnt EATEN AWAY at me as of yet.

i MIGHT be able to hang out with you this weekend, i’ll text you if i can. and then they never text you. typical female bullshit. this is why you NEED to agree on an appointment basically. and then they complain and say thats weird and awkward, how about i just text you if i want to hang out. and then they never do. in that one smooth move theyve hijacked the whole thing, said fook your rules, were playing by my rules now.

of course at this time she was having a Bad Ending wiht the Short Term guy she was dating. but she had strong feelings for him and was probably willing to do a Long Term thing with him if HE hadnt screwed it up. but it shows her getting Good Feelings……for the WORST type of guys. her chooser is broken.

she told me ABOUT that guy only once things were done, and i said yeah i had an idea but i was too afraid to talk to you about it, and she said she was heartbroken, and we never really talked about him again. definitely should have. that was a topic i wanted to talk about on a Hangout, and not text or email. cuz i was still aiming to hang out wiht her over the holidays.

hey im not denying that i did anything wrong. i was a coward and didnt speak up soon enough and let things flail on pathetically for months. even though at the beginning i had the best of intentions to NOT do that and just get things over with. that didnt happen. but me being cowardly and afraid i dont think is such a huge CRIME as to be Punished in this way and essentially have her Bitterly Blame Me for the end of the rel. if anything, i should be blaming HER bitterly hahahaha.

if you’re choosing to end a rel, why the FOOK cant you do it in a good way?

because you have no father and you choose the wrong guys and trust the wrong guys and dont trust the right guys and no surprise you dont know how to end a rel well.

she lives in the past alot thinking about past tragedies and dead people. this is certainly a tragedy she should feel bad about. but im still ALIVE, and SHE has SOLE power to do soemthing about it! i cant do anything about it!!!!!

i have lost 9 pounds in the past 30 days. not bad uh. might even be TOO much!

it takes like 12 hours of pure exercise to lose 1 pound. 1 fecking pound. and most people do not have 12 hours to spare to exercise. that would take 2 or 3 weeks at least to exercise 12 hours when you are working 50 hours a week.

so you lose 1 pound every 3 weeks. no surprise people dont lose weight and are huge fatasses. the much more effective weight loss thing is to just not eat as much. keep working 50 hours a week but just dont eat as much. if you have a stressful job it helps, because the stress and worry will kill your appetite. when i was at my job, i lost 10 pounds in 30 days because i was too stressed out to eat.

when i am not super stressed, i have a huge appetite. MORE than healthy appetite. like i am hungry all the time now, but i disclipine myself to reach muh weight loss goals.

i think i still think that ONE DAY, perhaps YEARS from now, we will meet again and i will have a second chance and everything will work out. i still cant convince myself that its REALLY over and i will NEVER be with her. after 189 days since last contacting her. DAMN. well its good that ive gone that long without contacting her! and she certainly hasnt contacted me!

but yeah i dont LIKE being essentially ACCUSED of doing something WRONG. i am a very moral person and would never intentionally do something bad to someone else.

oh she wasnt ACCUSING me, she was just too scared for a confrontation.

this is the problem with being confrontation avoidant: THE OTHER PERSON NEVER KNOWS YOUR INTENTIONS!!!!!! and it can EASILY be (mis??)interpreted as Hate and Accusation.

went to gym 2 days in row, only got 760 calories today hahahaha.

like i said, exercising to burn calories SUCKS. its MUCH more efficient to “just” WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. count fooking calories.  all food is FULL of fooktons of calories. and you dont need NEARLY as many calories as you think. meaning you eat too damn much and you have to make a LIFESTYLE CHANGE to not EAT NEARLY as much. it DOES kinda suck.

if you want NOTICEABLE weight loss, like over 10 pounds, and i was essentially going for about 27 damn pounds, holy shit, exercise alone is NOT ENOUGH. i could never exercise enough to burn the calories from all the food i luv to eat. considering your body needs only a lousy 1700 calories a day, any more gets turned to extra weight. you wont BELIEVE how much youve been OVEREATING until you calculate what you actually need, and then calculate what youre actually fooking eating.

you cant just go and have 4 slices of pizza as an after dinner snack, washed down with 2 or 3 sodas.

you cant have 2 big meals a day. you might not be able to have ONE big meal a day hahahaha. i could EASILY eat 1700 calories in one meal. like going to thai restaurant and eating a whole order of pad thai noodles hahahaha.

or going to chinese restaurant and eating the whole egg roll and the whole sesame chicken and rice.

or going and eating like 12 chicken wangs. thats like 1200 calories right there negro.

i want more training for my job but the people at my job dont want to train me moar! is there anything on the internet or books i can buy to help me with my job where my higher ups dont want to train me better or help me?

yeah it just sucks when you cant even explain something, because you dont understand it yourself. it was so frustrating and i got so anxious and worried and eventually tried to understand everything. but there was so much and it was so complex; and new stuff kept being added; and stuff was spread out and you couldnt even find it; so many unknown unknowns. i could not handle that all day.

well for a while i DID. then as my confidence regarding HER started decreasing, so did my confidence about the job. it was STUPID.

i just cant go back to a damn CALL CENTER where its you JOB to answer ringing phones all day, with confusing problems you have to fix on every call. its not just do this for me please. its what the fook is going on here? and you dont damn know! and the “subject matter experts” you work “in parallel with” are actually just giving you the most half assed “advice” in a chat room and making you BEG to escalate shit you cant figure out. retarded.

so yeah i hated the anxiety, hated the ringing phones, hated all the uncertainty, that you never knew what you were gonna get next, hating not knowing what i was doing, feeling like an incompetent imposter, and that ths was the punishment i had to suffer to make 15DAH. and SHE got me into this hell. and NOW she is turning away from me, leaving me, when i needed her.

was i TOO needy? yes and no. the fact that i was in one sided luv with her meant that i would always need her more than she needed me. but over time she got worse and worse at giving even a little.

CALL CENTER. yikes. i have like ptsd over that hahahaha. going into the call center and seeing the little cubicles and people on their headsets, all the people on calls, getting weird stupid shit themselves. and you would walk in and your stomach gurgling from coffee and fear about when you had to put on your headset and log into ready mode and start taking calls and what the fook would it be.

and then over there there was the chat people who never answered phones and i was jealous because they never had to answer phones; but they were glued to their screens as they had to help 3 or more people at the same time. so that was a huge tradeoff and the one thing that kept me from begging to be moved from phones to chats. because im terrible at multitasking and didnt want to deal with more than one issue/customer at a time!!!!!!!!

let me find an answer for you, i’ll have to put you on hold for 5 minutes….

5 minutes later…..

well heres what they said, does that make any sense to you? no? ok let me get some more clarification here, i’ll have put you on hold for 5 minutes….

6 minutes later….

well heres what they said about that, that it just couldnt be done. yes i completely agree that is no good. not good at all, but it is what it is. yeah this SHOULD be fixed in a future update. no ETA. probably not next update. in fact it might not be till next year. i’m not privy to their documents but this seems like something that would be low priority for them hahahaha. no you cant talk to the person i was talking it, and maybe he will understand it better if you talk directly to him. well maybe thats true, cuz you seem to understand the issue better than I do! but you sure as hell cant talk to him. he’s just one guy in a chat room and has 20 people like me asking him questions at the same time. is there ANYBODY you can talk to? no…..no not really. there is literally no one you can talk to, other than another level 1 who probably knows even less than i do. that is serious the way this company operates. how do they get away with it? well because most people arent persistent assholes like you hahahaha and they just accept the futility of it all, accept that some things just arent gonna get fixed. ok i have to get you off the phone because its been over 20 minutes and my Quality Team is bugging me about the call length.

the whole environment in the technical support call center is just ridiculous……and i believe we had a pretty GOOD one! as in, above average! i was LUCKY!!!!!! anyway i dont know how anyone, can do this for a living. those damn indians have nerves of steel. you need nerves of steel.

heh. what about emergency dispatchers? i couldnt do that either. yeah gimme 5 minutes im gonna argue with the senior dispatcher to see if i can convince them to send out an ambulance. now just continue to give him 400 chest compressions……

they would rather have us spend 2 hours on a phone call than send out an actual physical tech person to the location…..because it was cheaper to spend 2 hours on the phone than to send out a physical person. even though the service level agreement SLA time target was 20 minutes.

also im angry that SHE could handle the job, and i couldnt.

i STILL get RUSTLED just THINKING about the job. 7 months later. it is kinda like low grade ptsd hahahaha. i would never want to go back to a similar job. the ringing phones. the constant bombardment of confusing problem after confusing problem. the not knowing anything and feeling like an incompetent idiot, which does not make the callers happy. that you cant get good help, and getting shitty help is like pulling teeth. because its a culture where getting help is frowned upon, because helping wastes time and resources and is not efficient!!!!! and efficiency is valued over actually fixing stuff. so then they just call BACK angrier that they got the runaround the first time. welp i cant find the record of that because its very complicated trying to find previous cases, im not that good at that yet, so i cant really PROVE to my higher up that this is in fact a recurring problem. your word is not good enough. at least half of callers lie hahahaha. not you of course.

MAXIMUM RUSTLAGE.

i handled it alot better when i got along with HER.

well, i still freaked out though. i was able to someone just barely hold it together though, when i got along with her. when i stopped getting along with her……i stopped being able to just barely hold it together. and then spilled my proverbial guts out of my eviscerated stomach hahahaha. the guts came bursting loose.

but im mad that she can be completely emotionally immature, even more than me…..but she can also be more emotionally STABLE than me; to not be driven crazy or devastated; to keep doing that super stressful job, whereas i couldnt handle it and had to quit like a neet bitch phaggot virgin. real men dont quit. respectable white men dont quit. hysterical neurotic girly neetbois QUIT. anxious autist virgin r9k neets quit. failures at life. grown men trying to turn their lives around dont quit. and i fookin QUIT. i did it.

i quit the job just like she quit me;

and if she fooked up the job like she fooked up her rel with me, she would have been FIRED faster than she “fired” me. hahahaha i like this analogy yes i mentioned it last time.

i will never understand people who eat BUGS. i dont care if you COOK them and season them. you are still eating fooking beetles and worms and crickets and scorpions and shit, ZIMMERN hahahahahaha.

i have a theory that whites ate less BUGS in their history than nonwhites hahahaha. white people dont eat BUGS. they will eat ROOTS before they eat bugs. eat vegetables and nuts and fruits and grains and once in a while, you capture a squirrel or rabbit and your family has a feast of meat. but no fooking maggot looking mealworms or crunchy beetles with their disgusting insect legs poking out of your mouth. fook you. i never ate an insect and i never plan to.

but women are even more degenerate when they are sluts.

its really the disregard for human life, and the ignorance of their own bodies, which rustles me the most.

they dont realize how hard men have to WORK to get secs, because women can get sex on demand.

I don’t mind that, because that only makes SENSE. but it makes no sense to the women themselves! they dont understand WHY that is! because you can get PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

so THATS why you should be a LOT more careful about secs. i dont care that contraceptives exist. i dont care. it doesnt matter. the contraceptives are degenerate and j00ish because they have brainwashed women into separating the REPRODUCTIVE from the RECREATIONAL aspects of secs.

NORMALLY, in NATURE, secs is Procreational First, and Recreational a VERY distant second….even if it may be a lot of FUN. but adding contraception to that muddies the waters so much. it separates those two functions in a way they were never meant to be separated, and its had horrible effects on womens minds, and thei degenerate sex practices. becoming huge sluts having tons of casual recreational secs, just because now secs doesnt mean pregnant.

IT DOESNT MATTER. its what the act is capable of doing, not how YOURE capable of artificially preventing the act from taking its natural purpose.

 

IF U CAN DEAL W A WOMAN, U CAN DEAL W THE TOUGHEST CUSTOMERS

1218

yeah shit is stupid hahaha. 123, 157 days. 140 median hahahaha. i have definitely made SOME progress. “fear” i am becoming generally woman hating, yes all women are like that, ie, they will just sell you out, leave you in the lurch, dump you, disappoint you. and i dont like womens actual innate female nature: hypergamous parasite opportunists always tyring to climb up, will dump you in an instant to get with a more successful man, leave you in the lurch, sell you out.

and you cant get mad at them for wanting resources and power. they need a mans help because they get pregnant and have to raise keeds. cant hate them for that!!!

well i say they could be NICER when they dump you. they may not like us beta men but they dont have to be so damn hateful and brutal to us! and if they find a man who is good enough for like 5 years and at least 1 kid…..dont dump him for someone marginally better!

i have heard that “old mgtows” from 10+ years ago still tolerate nonmarriage rels with women, on their own terms, ahve not closed the door to women.

but the New Mgtows are more extreme, are into shunning women altogether, and building artificial wombs, etc, because they are inherently opposed to Womens Eternal Nature: the dumping and hypergamy and leeching and destuctiveness to society and family basically.

how can someones human nature be so bad and destructive? so men create, women destroy? this does not sound “complementary” in the way we say men and women complement each other!

and then i thought well yeah because female nature has become completely unleashed, uncontrolled. it needs to be TAMED and kept inside pandoras box, and thats what a strong patriarchal society used to go. channel womens power into something that WAS productive and constructive. but you remove that and they become like crazy schizophrenic mass shooters spraying death everywhere hahahahahaha.

but get them married and children young, and they might turn out all right.

besides, woman2012 treated me all right when she dumped me hahahaha. and she was a traditional minded, conservative gurl with a good father who she was very close with. it matters hahahahah.

SHE was really the perfect woman, hahahaha. she was really TOO GOOD for me!

maybe she viewed ME as a father figure (woman2015 imean, aka that woman.) this actually makes a LOT of sense. i was 5-10 years older, i came across as very chill and wise yet also caring, would listen to her and give moral support to her, and also was not secretly in luv with her. or so she thought hahahaha. so when i did fall in luv with her, it was like your FATHER suddenly falling in luv with you, which would of courshe be weird and scary and betraying. so you just abandon and abort them hahahaha you are totally justified in doing that. no of chourshe youre not. you shouldnt do that to ANYONE. having Daddy Issues or Men Issues or Abuse Issues or Trust Issues will make it more likely for you to do things like this, and kidn of explain it……….but it doesnt make it RIGHT.

muh job was like a football game or some kind of sporting event. now i dont care about sports but just listen. the athletes spend more time PRACTICING and TRAINING than they do out on the field actually playing games. and even with two well trained teams, sometimes teams perform so bad or so well, that there are big winners and big losers who get blown the fook out. BTFO.

at job we would get blown out every day because we were eseentially all game, no practice. so you get destroyed every time you go out there. becuase you dont know what youre doing.

however your opponent isnt playing the same game and rejoicing when they defeat you. here, the “opponent” is you customers/clients/callers, and they WANT you to perform well, but you cant. you are untrained and unprepared and dont know what youre doing.

quite simply you need a lot more training, and more of a gradual ramping up for new people rather than throwing them in the deep end.

but that would involve Intensive Training, Slow Ramping, and Not Throwing a person in the deep end. all these things are very expensive and companies ahve found that they dont really need to do them. because the best, strongest employees will just figure it out.

well what about us weaklings who have a hard time in the deep end, and are thrashing and flailing attempting not to drown? well you figure out how to swim, or you drown. swim or sink.

well i know some women who have abortions feel guilt for years later. so maybe she will feel guilt for YEARS for Aborting Me hahahaha. well the big difference is, im not dead. she has the power to unabort me. unblock me. i made it VERY clear in my creepy wall of text tldr emails, that my door will always be open to her. meanwhile she slammed closed and locked and fortified her door closed against me. also its prob not good that my door ALWAYS remains open to her, but uhhh i was desperate and begging. and im no longer begging but i am desperate hahaha.

i like taking Scenic Drives ie not on the freeway. which is the antithesis of scenic.

heh. i hope she thinks of me and feels guilty whenever she sees the people at job i was friendly with. of course i dont really hang out with them any more. maybe they became friendly with her. i hope not hahahaha.

the fatclub hahahaha. there are some strange people. like the arab guy who always gets right next to me and talks on the phone loudly over the noise of the treadmill despite the sign that blatantly says dont talk on your phone here.

or another arab guy, i think its a different guy, who gets right next to me and makes weird noises and sings along with the arabic music in his headphones, loud enough so everyone around them can hear him.

hahahahaha youd think with the Rising Islamophobia (hahahaha) they would be more cautious. but no they have enough numbers to feel comfortable being annoying obnoxious arabs in public.

maybe it was albanian, i cant tell when they are singing. when they are just speaking, sure. also he looked more like an arab than an albanian.

then there is another arab looking young man who has some sort of Problem, either super autist or just plain Retarted, who makes shrill high pitched squealing noises really loud that sound like a little baby girl. at first i thought it was just an obnoxious child not being managed by their single momz (i dont think children are allowed in the fatclub thank god!), but the other day he got closer to me and i saw it was a young man with Obvious Problems in the Brain. also i think we was squealing “I LOVE U!!!!!” to random strangers. so i retrained myself that whenever he squealed, instead of getting annoyed, i was THANKFUL, and said to myself “THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I” hahahahaha

you HAVE to have thick skin and know how to deal with tough customers and how to swim when you are thrown in the deep end. but these all seem like unsurmountable challenges.

i have great respect and envy for waiters. i see 21 year old boys and girls running back and forth dealing with dickhead customers and i am like no way could i do any of that. i get confused just watching them. how do they do this. these are extremely valuable skills that should get them a better job later. and if i dont have those skills then how the hell am i supposed to get an ok job. i dont even want a good job but just an ok job hahahaha. 12DAH and low stress. its not like im ever gonna get a wife or children hahahaha.

later

just trying to replace a headlight bulb but the owners manual is shitty as fook. the people who built the car wrote a shitty manual. you need goddamn third party consultants to write a better manual.

i said that my job involved writing a manual for the manual so i knew how to do all the stupid procedures in our “manual” that were……..not well described to begin with. but this car manual is even worse.

it doesnt tell you how to remove the clear plastic headlight cover. at. all. looking at vidyas on youtube you discover you need an 11 mm socket wrech to get these little bolts off, AND remove the front bumper to get at a hidden third bolt. none of this is in the manual.

so thank god for youtube right?

but then i find another youtube video that SORT OF shows you know to replace the bulb without removing the bumper.

also i had thought about trying to pry off the cler plastic with a screwdriver. that would have been a bad idea but you dont know that at first! you just encounter resistance and you think, hmm do i just need to pop this off, OR if i really force it, is that going to fook it up and break it. yep its gonna break it.

when it seems the better way is to go in from behind the housing, than to come at it from the front. none of this is in the manual.

so right now im writing the manual for the manual so i ACTUALLY know how to do it. and thats what i found so frustrating about our job. but i guess i should have been thankful to have ANY manual at all! well, its true lots of stuff just was not in the manual at all. like it didnt even ATTEMPT to cover some issues.

anyway i dont like female nature. i dont like what women are. hypergamous parasites and destructive destroyers. degenerate rejectors, sellouts, traitors hahahahaha. day of the rope. you cant respect them, trust them, or like them; but you arent SUPPOSED to respect, trust, or like them. you are SUPPOSED to be powerful and manly enough to attract a woman and earn her loyalty, and also keep her in line. if youre not strong enough to keep a woman in line……..you dont deserve a woman!

so its very rare when i like a woman As A Person. almost never happens. and i liked HER as a person. a likeable woman? talk about rare. so she became extra special to me. to appreciate a woman as a decent person rather than a disgusting secs object that its unfortuante that you have to be attracted to but can never attain?

sure i sound like a woman hater but i dont really hate women they just annoy and disgust me by being sellout whores. and when i become friends with women they see that i am a decent non hateful person. it only really makes me angry and upset and mad and sad when women i like and care for disappoint me or hurt me.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN NICER. JUST BE NICE. PLEASE DONT ABORT ME. PLEASE BE NICER TO ME.

playing super high stakes holdem now. about twelve times bigger than i would like to hahahaha because its the only table with any players. i got AA and raised preflop and was got no callers. be very lucky to break even on muh buyin here. the minimum buyin is twice the maximum buyin i usually like.

ok just lost mad money i and dont think i played a single hand all the way through.

going to urban dictionary and voting down all sex positive defintions of “slut” and upvoting all the contemptuous definitions meaning that being a slut is UNdesirable hahhahaa

1219

yeah the big problem now is just the feeling of incompetence, like shit i cant DO anything. tell me to do something and i will get confused and stupid and cant figure it out and need too much help.

but this is false. at my job i needed some help but i didnt need TOO MUCH help. those people they laid off within 1 month hahahaha.

if you have to MANSPLAIN to a woman why being a slut is wrong and bad……..she’s never gonna get it. use her for short term secs and nothing more. use the thickest strongest condos you can get even if she begs for it raw dog. not only are these women horribly promiscuous but they are stupid and unsafe and have plenty of raw dog secs!

its like standard fookparty and gay psychos bug chasing who WANT to get “poz loads” and intentionally get AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they turn getting aids into a secsual fetish!!!!!!!! how fooked up can you be?????!!?!?!?!

so women are similarly fooked up by just giving their uterus away, FREQUENTLY, to SHADY men who probably have herpes at LEAST, AND not insisting on condos, so they vastly incrase the risk of getting preggers, and at LEAST getting herpes, etc.  wtf??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

so yeah if you have to mansplain some so common sense…….bitches be cray, avoid this woman, except for secs, assuming she will let you, the “THIRSTY BETA”, have any hahahaha.

dont hate the thirsty betas! we cant ALL be confident alphas and get secs!

i dunno. maybe pretend to be a SJW so you can bang a crazy slutty SJW gurl, and you will have enough disdain for their way of life so that you dont ever come across as desperate or thirsty or pedestalizing, therefore you can bang her as much as you want, until you get BORED of it. have you ever banged a girl so MUCH you got BORED of doing it? i didnt think so hahahaha. that is something on my bucket list for sure.

yeah that would boost up the confidence. if you can deal with a WOMAN, you can deal with the toughest customers, wiht the strangest situations, with confusion and uncertainty, act like a real man.

anyway it sucks to really like a woman, then they do something shitty to you, and you CANT like them any more. then you kind of hate them. then you kind of hate all women. until you find another one you like, who doesnt fooking leave you in the LURCH. and borderline damn BETRAY you hahahaha. she betrayed me a lot more than i betrayed HER!

did she think i was her father figure? maybe. and fathers dont fall in luv with their daughters. well i never saw her as my “daughter” figure. however i DEFINITELY felt my PROTECTOR urge come out for her. like i want to protect her from harm and pain and make her safe and happy. white knight, captain save a ho hahahaha.

normie sheeple get really excited about the new star wars movie. i just dont even care. i dont understand how this could be an important thing in anyones life.

world record speed clapping

but this guy on the clapper commercial has a better style imho even though hes slower

well, i mean a father protects his daughter, and a man protects his wife. every MAN has some sort of PROTECTIVE instinct towards women, especially daughters and wives.

if you get that instinct towards a woman, good sign you have real feelings to her. random women i could care less. go fook yourselves into oblivion. although i feel not great about white women throwing themselves away. i cant stop them. if i am in a position to, then….. i dunno. will i get feelings for any white woman i am close to? probably, if they are in their 20s, have no children, and are not shaped like a fat potato.

bonus points if they are 25 or under, are actually sort of cute in some way, and especially if they are not a slut, and think being a slut is bad.

honestly. yeah i know i am a huge loser beta but you didnt have to do THAT, you coulda been a little nicer. i was an even bigger loser beta with the previous woman and she was nicer to me.

maybe she thought i was Too Old to be interested in a young gurl like her?

well her main boifran was like 5 years older than her! maybe 6! and i wasnt THAT much older than HIM!!!!

so yeah. i dunno. i hate that its all my fault because i was a weak pussy and women Just Hate that. you have to be strong and dominant AT ALL TIMES. that would be NICE, but…….i didnt show THAT much weakness to her anyway. i was jsut caught off guard to see that she would be willing to flush our whole friendship down the toilet. i dont have a ton of experience being friends with women either. but when i do, i never fall in luv with them. this was totally new ground for me. but its not rocket science. just try to be nice and communicate. but not be weak. so i couldnt handle her shit tests?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? no not really hahahahaha.

so i am gonna fall apart whenever some gurl gives me a SHIT TEST?

well she wasnt just Some Gurl to me! she was a friend i knew for 2 years!

when there is a woman in our political / social movement it is exciting for us “thirsty beta white knights” who both pedestalize and hate women hahahaha. so the rise of sinead mccarthy is kind of interesting. people verbally brutalize her for being a Flat Earther and a Coal Burner Mudshark and an Idiot. well flat earth is stupid and

i dont know if she responded to the coal burning rumor. there are pictures of her socializing with blacks and or hugging a black guy hahahahahaha well all white gurls have hugged a black guy. problem is they think secs is as casual as hugging hahahahahahaha.

here is the infamous MW xmas hangout which i was happy to be in the chat room with Big Guy 4U like sargon hahahaha. but other actually kewl people like pale hominid and wife with a purpose were in there too. maybe sinead mccarthy can get in on one of these hahahaha MW is doing 7 of them. he should do at least 1 a month imho.

anyway yeah is sinead really being put up as a waifu figure? how many of us are lonely loser virgins? some guy on TRS forum made the great point that when you have an actual 3d gf, it makes you less of a desperate “thirsty” white knight to other women cuz you actually have an actual woman in your life hahahahaha. i wonder what that feels like. prob pretty good hahahaha. confidence building.

yeah 2015 was definintely a good year for sinead, lots of attention, david duke, red ice, shiksa goddess, etc. she does have a white child so that is good. and yeah i would totally bang her even if she is old hahahahahahaha. no she is probably younger than me hahahaha.  did she say she was 26? then everybody in the chat balked at that and said she looked older. oh well. i would still bang her. but how crazy is she. some say very. well if she were showering me with attention and warmth and secs and loyalty, i would probably fall under her spell hahahaha. wonder what her traditionalist white husband is like. how much he makes. he is probably a big masculine huge viking type hahahaha.makes 100k + a year as an engineering project manager then goes out and does Strongman shit hahahaha. NO im not claiming he actually does. just spitballing. and he’s probably well above 6 feet hahahaha. 6 foot 3 at LEAST.  anyway yeah i like pale white nonfat girls with long purty hair.

so yeah

just spending the holidays in MW’s livechats hahahaha not even really listening to the hangout, but watching the ridiculous chatbox

it is pretty exciting, really on the cutting edge here.

but yeah sucks being a jobless failure at life and quickly becoming a huge neet shutin hahahaha

cant become a real man, blba bla bla

OXYTOCIN ANONYMOUS / FIRED FOR NOT LEARNING FAST ENOUGH

109

shit. it has been 86 or 85 days since i was thrown into the garbage without a word, with no human decency, and today i feel….well i just got up. feel hopeless about life in general, ie jobs, mainly. nobody quits a job because they dont get along with a woman there they had a Big Falling Out with. well sure they do. they quit like shitty restaurant jobs and retail jobs where all the young sluts fook each other, and then they have to find a better paying job some day because them fooking every guy they know leads them to become a Single Mother hahahahaha.

honestly. you KNOW you can get pregnant. why not be more cautious? why act like a Guy who cant get pregnant and wants to fook everythign that moves? the key difference is, you CAN fook everything that moves!

anyway. i havent contacted her in like 50 days or so, thats good.

shes not even a slut, well she wasnt when i knew her, yet i have this feeling shes gonna end up being a Single Mother. maybe i WANT her to be, because her having a Happy Relationship with a Good Man, and being a Good Wife, well that would be very painful to me, because thats what i wanted her to be for me. i got along with her best when she was in an unhappy long term rel hahahaha.

but yeah. angry because she DIDNT EVEN TRY. she didnt WANT to try, she wanted to be done, and she didnt want to make the effort to end it in a good way. instead she would rather Burn Bridges. think of it like leaving a job. you always want to leave on good terms, rather than burn bridges and say fook u fook u fook u i quit. well she did a burning bridge quit. dont burn bridges!

i believe women are more likely to burn bridges than men. men want peace and stability in the community. women just want to watch the world burn hahahahaha. drama for the sake of drama. so stupid. chaos and destruction and pain, just for the sake of chaos and destruction and pain. REALLY???? what kind of person DOES this!!!!

honestly WOMEN. just wait SIX MONTHS before having secs with ANY guy. he might just be a smooth talker. a bullshitter. and do you KNOW how many people are bullshitters? you have to be a bullshitter just be gainfully employed! i am wanting to imporve my bullshitting skills just so i can become gainfully employed. but it is very disappointing to think that decent women fall for the bullshit of bullshitters. i mean i am ok at bullshitting, i have gotten better.

and my relationship with her was not built on bullshit, where guys are saying anything just to get into the Pantz. then of course they DO because what woman wants to WAIT to determine if hes for real or if hes just full of shit, because its just secs anyway, and you can always find another man, if you get pregnant OH WELL. then try to get some child support out of him.  or get another abortion hahahaha.  ya abortion hungry aborter. just run down to the abortionist and get another punch on your abortion card, 10th one is free! get some fresh gossip from the girls down the abortionists, and see whos got the biggest dick and the strongest sperms!

see if you think like this, you WILL hate women. thoughts lead to feelings hahahaha. not all women are really like that.

but yeah its MONSTROUS when you KNOW a person and then theyre just like NOPE i dont want you to know me anymore, i dont want to know you, i’m going away now.

so she did that because she was not able to Share My Feelings. FINE. that’s ok. i am not blaming her for that. i AM blaming her for showing me no damn empathy or sympathy or kindness, when she had before, and i dont think i WRONGED her. youre not WRONGING someone when you get feelings for them. you ARE wronging them when you end the relationship in such a shitty way.

why would i want to be with a person like that? i shouldnt. but i do because they were nice to me once. and i am clinging onto the past. living in the past.

they didnt HAVE to react the way they did to muh feelings. instead of withdrawing and abandoning, they could have TRIED TO COMMUNICATE. by they i mean she hahahaha. she could have said yeah lets hang out we need to talk, and i would have said YES THANK YOU! and then we would have talked abotu it, she could say im sorry i just cant do that, i dont want to hurt you, but i cant share those feelings, and i would say, well thanks for telling me straight, but maybe we should take a break, no hard feelings though. but could you try not to be flirty with guys at work please hahahahaha. NO of course not how dare you try to CONTROL me hahahaha.

no she was never really FLIRTY with other guys at work, but i dont even know what flirting is. i think a woman being friendly to a guy is flirty. if youre TALKING with a guy and smiling and not being a huge BITCH, then youre flirting hahahahahaha. if youre not actively being BITCHY or bustng a guys BALLS, youre flirting.

well its partially true isnt it hahahahaha

yeah the bad times were bad and they outweighed the good. the feeling that i was the only one who CARED about the rel, who wanted to try to do anything.

when i say she didnt want to TRY, i mean she didnt want to try to communicate, she didnt want to try not to burn the bridge, didnt want to try to end the rel in a peaceful way.

and yeah she didnt give huge blatant warning signs she would be so shitty. there were some warning signs that she wanted to be done, but there were mixed signals too, and also her personal family situation, which i feel guilty for putting her through this at this time. but not hanging out or having a serious talk in 10 months? come on. still no excuse.

do men have less oxytocin than women?

can oxytocin burn out if you have a lot of casual sex partners?

can you get oxytocin from cuddling and making out? or just sex?

heheheh i felt i got oxytocin from cuddling, but i am not a normal man. i am a low testosterone, effeminate man.

and not effeminate in the lets have lots of casual sex and destroy our oxytocin way. but like a 16 year old gurl from 1800, who wants to marry the first man she makes out with.

about the only thing i would want to go to graduate skool and get a faggot masters degree for is, Relationship Counselor. maybe a Depression and Anxiety Counselor. but NOT “SOCIAL WORK.” also how many jobs are there for Relationship Counselors. not a lot. supply and demand. however a masters degree would possibly make me more attractive for Mid Level Client Service 15DAH jobs that more outgoing normalfag nonvirgins could get with just a bachelors degree! but loser spaghetti pocket types cant unless they have a masters degree!!!!!

i am waiting to go for my 4.4 mile walk because now i am walking down a street which the female might be driving down on her way to our shitty job which i quit hahahaha. i would never see her because it is a high speed road and she would be on the opposite side of it, and she would never see me, well she would be more likely to see me than me see her, and wouldnt that be a good thing? wouldnt that torture her a little and make her think oh i am really in luv with him, i should contact him and REconcile and Rekindle.

because you see right now i dont really care that she didnt like me, all i care about is that i liked her, and me having feelings for a woman is second only in rarity to her having feelings for me! i mean i think most women are degenerate filthy animal whores! so any woman whos not, is automatically on a pedestal! cuz the other ones are down in the muck slithering like rats in a bucket smearing bodily fluids all over each other as they scramble over each other!

i am entitled to feel almost whatever i want. i am entitled to feel Snubbed and Burned and Wronged and Disrespect. Feel Your Feelings. i am not gonna act out on them negatively. the most acting out ive done has been to email her. and thats not a bad way of acting out. thats just trying to communicate. even a goddam Feminist Judge would have nothing bad to say about that.

anyway i can go for muh walk now.  sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. i dindu nuffin hahahaha.

whats sad is that i probably had a better and longer relationship with her, than her mother and father had. and her whole life is the product of that loveless unhealthy “union.” thats why she is able to abandon me so harshy. cuz her father abandoned her mother. doesnt matter that she (muh woman) is not a slut. not all gurls with Father Issues are Sluts. Some are nonsluts but are Really Harsh Abandoners hahahahahahaha.

or was her father a Niceguy who her mother just abandoned? i dont know.

i get the feeling that her father was more of a deadbeat who as soon as the mother got pregnant, said SEE YA!!! WOULDNT WANNA BE YA!!!!! and simply did not want to accept his Fatherly Responsibility. pretty common situation sadly.

why didnt he? because he did not truly luv the mother? because he saw the mother as a Convenient Easy Fook? Maybe. I am not sure that the mother chooses the best men, and I worried that this habit would carry on to her daughter. who chooses cold and distant men, or men who cheat. come on! choose a decent man! choose me! i will give you luv an affection, and not cheat on you! once she complained to me about her long term BF was not affectionate with her at all, did not like to hug and cuddle any more, did not like to do anything, couldnt get him to go anywhere or do anything.

at that time i did not want her, i wanted her to figure shit out with him. but in the future when i DID want her, it became ironic. because i would have totes cuddled with her and given her all that warm cuddly affection she wanted, AND a good hard masculine pounding, AND fun evenings out, do fun things, go to the park, go for scenic drives, go to the museum, go to concerts, go downtown, go Salsa Dancing Lessons or some shit, just have fun. but that would involve hanging out with me hahahahaha. and also liking me.

ok time for my 4.4 mile walk.

also i have a 12000 word document on Job INterviews, I should post that soon. How 2 Get A Sweet 8DAHJ and stop failing interviews. you can sometimes get interviews but you never get the JOB hahahaha. well be a victim no more with my guaranteed success document, only 50 bucks hahahaha.

ok went for the 4.4er. not bad.

tried to listen to music, tried to listen to molyneux. i am listening to molyneux Job Interview Advice series now.

the idea that you need to be PASSIONATE about serving customers. this is a great line of bullshit. why do you want this job? not because you need a job desperately, but because you are passionate about serving customers in the x industry. fast food. restaurant. supermarket.

or theres a 9DAHJ which asks you how would you go about…. writing a letter of recommendation for a student. this was a comment in a link from last post. they asked her this question for a school secretary type thing. she was caught off guard, having never written a rec letter for a student. assuming they would train you on that sort of thing if its part of the job. but NEVER ASSUME THEY WILL TRAIN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she asked the current person abotu this and they said oh we have a form we give the student, then they fill it out with their activities and colleges and shit, gpa, and then we use this template to write the letter with the info the student has provided. its easy.

but if you have never DONE it before, you are not really sure how its done.

i would say: welp ask the student what they want emphasized in the letter. have the student write me a “rough draft” of the letter. Research on the internet some good reference letters. ask what the letter should be directed towards: employers, colleges, scholarships. use reputable sources to help you craft your letter. ask the student when is the deadline for the letter, so you have a timeframe of how much research you can do. do your research when you go home at night and treat it as “homework” so you’re not training yourself on the clock. look for other recommendation letters completed by your department. if you can’t find anyone, then bother someone else briefly to ask them if they have any copies of letters they or someone else has written so you can study them. then you can have a pretty good letter written for them in 24 hours, and really good letter in 48 hours. 75% of the time, they will give you 48 hours or more. boom.

cuz they will say “DO THIS” and you will have no idea how to do this because it is a 9000000 step process but the steps are not spelled out clearly anywhere. not even in The Knowledge Base.

but basically there was nothing in my job that i knew how to do before. i just improvised and did the best i could in a land of confusion, and miraculously performed at or slightly above average, so i wasnt laid off immediately for “not getting it fast enough.”

figure it out and youre fired if you dont get it fast enough.

i wonder if i should have taken valium during the very stressful period january thru april. or when i was stressing in july when i came back. stressing abotu the woman, and stressing about the job. yet i didnt even take a damn valium. i have a bottle of like 120 valiums. why didnt i take some then. because i was scared about appearing drugged on the job.  yet there were probably other people who took valium on the job.

anyway like i say, i had no “qualifications” for this job. you learn everything on the job as quickly as you can. the sad thing is there were about as many college-educated people as there were not. some people got ridiculous Certificates in Computer Training and paid thousands of dollars for that, as if they needed it for this job. some losers like me had full blown college degrees. and some others had just Some College and no Certs.

point is, you didnt NEED college OR certs OR experience to do the job. you just needed to be sharp and learn fast.

thats why they would hire a lot of people. because at least half of them would be GONE within a MONTH. because they hated it, or were confused, or were not learning fast enough, and why train them, when they can train themselves or get fired/laid off.

my question is, when you lay somebody off for “not getting it fast enough”, do you have to pay them unemployment? is that the same as being fired for Gross Negligence? do you have to say you were FIRED?

google fired because not learning fast enough

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20121129211222AAY2MYq

http://www.city-data.com/forum/work-employment/1844309-feel-like-im-twilight-zone-being.html

http://www.askamanager.org/2015/10/is-8-6-the-new-9-5.html

this ask a manager site is pretty interesting

http://www.askamanager.org/2015/10/my-boss-turns-it-into-an-ordeal-every-time-i-ask-him-a-question.html

of course we didnt have 2 hours to flail and try to understand, we had to figure shit out fast!

http://www.askamanager.org/2010/07/how-long-should-it-take-new-hire-to-get.html

http://www.eremedia.com/ere/you-didnt-pick-things-up-quickly-enough/

apparently this is a common thing! so dont feel bad if you feel like an idiot crying every day because you are overwhlemed and dont know what youre doing and feel like an idiot but KNOW youre not an idiot, just that the expectations of you are RIDICULOUS, and then you get fired in 10 days for not learning fast enough. it happens all the time. better to be an unemployed loser virgin hahahaha.

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Feel-Like-Im-Not-Good-Enough/1442048

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2268894

shit. stuff like my job is very common. where you feel undertrained and overwhelmed, like an idiot, flailing, drowning.

i was just starting to get over that feeling with my job! and to have to quit it becuase of some stupid woman. god damn. well i didnt HAVE to quit it. but it was one of those jobs thats so intolerable that if one thing goes wrong, you get pushed OVER the edge, because the job has already pushed you TO the edge. so the moment you have a problem, you lose your shit at work. going home and crying and not sleeping. running out of the office so you can cry in the bathroom or car or stairwell. because you feel incompetent, confused, stupid, things just dont make sense, you cant deal wth the complication, people make you feel stupid for asking questions, you have to ask a LOT of questions because there is a LOT of stuff that doesnt make sense, nothing is written down, THERE IS NO DOCUMENTATION!!!! dont complain that the documentation is poorly written, YOU’RE LUCKY TO HAVE DOCUMENTATION AT ALL!!!!!!

when you have a job that is THIS stressful, for at LEAST 50 hours a week, you dont have TIME to spend with your family. if you dont have a family, you dont have TIME to meet and Vet potential Wives. shit you can barely think straight. shit you have 2 hours of free time a night and you SHOULD be studying work shit to train yourself better….and sometimes you do, but sometimes you just want to go for a powerwalk for 2 hours. while thinking about your job and the ridiuclous stuff thats gonna happen tomorrow.

well i already found the perfect woman hahahahaha. having a decent woman can give you PEACE OF MIND as well. did muh woman give me peace of mind? FOOK NO, quite the opposite!!!! so clearly she wasnt a decent woman for me.

but yeah. you cant sleep cuz you are thinking about your job, the only relief is exercising AND smoking MJ AND writing about how stupid it is AND studying it regularly, but there is not enough Off Time to DO all those things! let alone find a wife, spend time with her, make a family, take care of them, or see your preexisting family!

it sucks being SO overwhelmed ALL THE TIME. you start looking forward to CHURCH as a place where you can BEG for MERCY.

yeah the job was kinda like that which is descrribed in these links and comments. i hope you are reading the comments.

you need lots of moral support AND technical support in a job like that. i was LUCKY because i actually got along with people and could get this support. many people are hated by EVERYONE at their job! i only had a problem with one person.

anyway its just so stupid. i am glad to leave all that bullshit behind, that shitty place, that shitty woman, leave all the shit behidn hahahaha. she wasnt a shitty woman but the job was making both of us shittier. and she was just being shitty to me in general. she became shitty and it SUCKED.

i just see that there are many many many jobs that are the same way: overwhelming, drowning, swim or sink, thrown to wolves, in over head, there is no training, its just so fookin ridiculous. fook this gay earth, fook jobs, better to be a jobless virgin omega hahahahaha. how is there any dignity in working. just as indignified as in leeching off your family forever hahahaha. although you will never have a family of your own that can leech off of you, you cant even support yourself hahahahahahah. always need supporting by someone else. feels bad man .jpg hahahaha.