dec 26 2016

welp the wholesome part of the holidays is over, now everyone is just gonna get drunk and fook like negros until they have to go back to Work on January 2 hahahahahahah.  and those are the lucky privileged people. More people will just continue to work as they do every other day. maybe struggle with drug and alcohol problems so they can keep their shitty jobs which make them work during the busiest time of the holidays, serving shitty customers. its enough to make a person want to abuse drugs and alcohol!

i think california getting legal MJ is a big deal, i mean its kinda surprising they didnt have it until now. maybe they needed smaller states like CO, WA, and OR to act as a pilot program before CA really threw open the gates.

i mean its possibly a bad thing, leading to an even more degenerate society. but one day it will make it 600000000000000000000 times easier for ME to obtain it. me me me me me. fook the greater good.

i think it should be legal, but SHAMED. i said earlier this might be impossible, but is it really? look at cigarettes and tobacco for example. those have been shamed pretty well. or have they? has that really worked in getting people to choose to buy/smoke less cigarettes? probably a little bit, and thats all that matters.

should you tax the shit out of MJ then? well, in that it might be an incentive for govt to legalize it, yes, but I have no faith that the tax money would be used for ANYTHING good. it would ALL be wasted on bullshit. i understand that. im just looking at the tax as purely an incentive for The Gummint to Legalize It.

and against i dont see this as some big crusade for justice, because it is a mixed bag. i’m not sure it…..well it probably SHOULD be legalized, but shamed as fook. shamed even more than cigarettes. which are currently more shamed than alcohol or porn.

but you can still get tobacco EVERYWHERE, and you have plenty of tobacco shops which themselves are not sleazy. well not all of them hahahaha.

i guess i would also take, instead of full legalization, then the state expanding its Qualifying Conditions for MMJ to Despair or Anxiety, hehehehe.

there already IS a NEET CURE, it’s called the MILITARY, thats ALWAYS been the NEET CURE. but I think this aspect has been played down in the past 20 years, and the military is pretending like they are moar selective, and they dont necessarily WANT neet losers. but they will prob take neet losers. provided you’re not too fat and provided you never took psych meds like prozac or paxil or citalopram hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

george michael, dead of “heart failure.” well thanks that explains a lot hahahahahaha. i could have told you that. i guess thats better than cancer tho! but was it heart failure from, for EXAMPLE, mixing coke and pills and booze and painkillers and heroin and meth? that will cause heart failure for sure hahahaha. probably some MJ in there too hahahaha.

just waiting for another 20 bucks of bitcoin to transfer into coinbase so i could hopefully sell it at 901. because i have to move everything back and forth from coinbase, because they are jooish and watch exactly where you send your money, meaning no gambling and i would assume no Darknet Markets hahahahahahahahahaha. they scolded me for sending it to gambling. i have NO IDEA how they found out. considering I thought the gambling site used separate wallets for each gambler!

over 1 hour and 0 confirmations. didn’t even modify the fee.  this is why bitcoin will never take off. good idea though. just need something with FAST confirmations and ideally some way to send messages with the money. like hey guy this money is from UFMLL. remember me because i’d like you to know i donate money to you every 3 months. i am a true blue cobber m8. you can count on me. im not some kind of hypergamous mercenary who’s gonna leave you in the lurch. i am a MAN OF HONOR(tm) (great phrase from Chapin book MGHOW). wihtout having you have to make notes and search weird addresses jsut to try to identify somebody, and what if it changes your address every time? or you having to send a email before you send every transaction is probably the easiest way to identify yourself. still not very practical IMHO.

you know i am very optimistic about our young kids with 1488 blood pumping thru their veins. they dont even have the DESIRE to take MJ. I feel the desire EVERY DAY. I know it’s wrong but I think I can GET AWAY with it. I think the rules dont apply to me. I think I can just keep it in the closet and be an exception. but really I am envious of those who dont even WANT it. i wish I didn’t WANT it. but shit do I ever.

went for 1.4 mile powerwalk, not bad.

so anyway, i should NOT become an outspoken activist for the legalization of MJ, because its degenerative for huhwhyte society.

ok so whats the best military route for white neets? i honestly cant say. some say we want our white warriors on the frontlines. i would say study something hard and technical where only white men pass the exam, and get yourself into a safe all white male unit doing technical shit.

heh havent been to this horrible site in a while but this guy was dumped, was just devastated. people give him decent advice that WHY never helps, never gives closure. but its also very hard not to ask why. because youre willing to do anything to fix it, to make them change their mind. but they just wont. that never works. just let them go. fook yes its hard as SHIT. will make you want to sm0ke MJ for the next 2 years hahahaha.


why dont any gurls want a second date with me? im not a racist hater, i don’t like that racist trump! i dont have any wrongthink! why arent women interested in me at all?

yet the same gurls who are rejecting him are probably getting fooked by ebil trump voting racists hahahaha.

dec 27

heh. now i remember why i stopped reading /relships. because it is a woman-dominated space, and these women are annoying and stupid af. but they think they are SO smart, about relships, about men and women, but they know nothing. about men, abotu women, OR about relships. that is why they are high number crazy carousel riding catladies who cant keep a man hahahahaha. so how do they make 60k a year at their high powered careers then? AND have time to read and poast on reddit?

but yeah obviously this guy needs to Explicitly Ask for a Second Date on Saturday at 7pm and he would have more success. getting a second date at least hahahahaha.

but i mean yeah a bitch being texting on her phone the whole time during your date implies they are not interested. i mean its rude. but they just dont KNOW any better. at age 25 they dont know this is rude. and you’re THIRSTY and DESPERATE enough that you still WANT a second date with a RUDE woman who texts and sexts during the whole first date and is too stupid to even KNOW that’s rude.

ARrrrrgh this makes no sense! Who can I ask for clarification here? who’s the SME for this Subject Area?……… mean I’M THE SME? IM THE EXPERT? BBBBBUT I have no idea how this works! I need an SME to help ME! I can assure you, I am absolutely no EXPERT in this! I know MUCH less than the USERS!!!!!!! why can’t we appoint one of them an sme?

welp, you better learn it fast, because it looks like you are the SME.

i can’t believe this is how things actually really work with large, successful businesses.

well, my business was in a Failure Phase tho. and if they dont pull out of it, they will end up selling the company.

you can sell a publicly traded company btw. prob need to cash out all the stock though. or maybe you can get out of that with bankruptcy. leave your stockholders in the lurch hehehehe. who knows. im no JQ bankruptcy attorney. though you can make good money in that career.

but it takes a certain TYPE to be a LAWYER. there are a few good huhwhyte lawyers like toilet law and this other guy. but i bet they are in the minority.

benedryl sleep last night, had dream featuring 2 female friends i had in muh crazy uni days. i was with one female friend reviewing a video of myself and the second female friend, and i was like, wow, its plain as day, look at her body language, she clearly wants the D, but its so weird I didn’t notice that at the moment, and had to see a video playback. hmmm. maybe I SHOULD give her the D. interesting idea.  I mean its really not a HORRIBLE idea. yeah i’m hung up on this other gurl, but some casual fook buddy secs might be good. and if its not, at least we can say we tried. lets give it a try.

and of course this never happened in real life. IRL I WAS too hung up on this “angel” i was in luv with, that I didnt’ even want anyone else, and I was even making female friends at the time who were arguably attractive women (21, 22 year old women! I should think so!!!!!) but I honestly had no interest in them in that way. but maybe i should have pushed myself towards being Casual Fook Buddy with at least one of them hahahahaha. how would that have played out? I will never know.

but this dream got me thinking. maybe that could have worked. me, doing a degen casual secs, fook buddy, FWB thing. whoda thunk it.

but yeah i put these other luv interests on such a pedestal, that i couldnt even THINK of other women.

i guess it was similar when i first met That Woman. I was still heartbroken over women2012 and couldnt even THINK of being with another woman.

And its ok to feel that way hahahahahahah. my feelings were valid. i don’t really REGRET not trying to bang that female friend hahahaha.

its so weird looking back on it. she was not just a leftist, but a leftist activist, and she was kinda a SLUT, she had told me about times she “HOOKED UP” with guys drunk at a party, i think she even said she had fooked a BLACK guy, and I knew she was a “little bit” crazy, (in hindsight I think very likely bipolar), but i also accepted her for who she was, and didn’t really judge her too harshly. we got along well and never really any tension. i kind of felt PITY for her having these meaningless relships. she was “dating” this guy tho and it was a CLUSTERFOOK. she wasnt happy and he wasnt happy and I just couldnt tell WHAT was going on. i still dont know.

anyway she went on to be a successful lawyer (hahahahahaha) and somewhere in there found a decent man, but I dont think that lasted, and she had some legit family tragedy, and I think went crazy and possibly had a breakdown, and did a complete career change and is doing pretty good with that. much better career than me hahahaha.  i mean she was always ambitious and a hard worker. is not gonna get lazy and slothful and despairing and neetish. but its the bipolar which will be a real risk for her. anyway i wish her well, she’s not a bad person.

so interesting. i can know a lot of shady details about a womans shady past and NOT be judgmental, say she’s NOT a bad person. when you would THINK I would judge her SAVAGELY. NOPE. it’s DIFFERENT when I actually know a person in real life. i give them the benefit of the doubt.

but yeah i was never in luv with her. but several people wondered if we had something going on. we did not hahaha. i was not really interested. but in hindsight, she was not unattractive, and it probably would have been good to try to get some Experience with her. while of course Respecting her decision if she didn’t want to hahahahaha. but she used to get REALLY ridiculous when drinking, even moreso than me. I would just fall down drunk. she would actively do crazy shit. including probably fook guys. black guys hahahahahahaha.

i actually met her father! he seemed like a good guy, was very successful, good father daughter relship, but pretty sure he was bipolar too. which became a problem for the whole family.  but yeah i think this is better than the alternative of an abusive or deadbeat father. he was successful and his children were successful even if his marriage failed.

but just making the point that she didnt become a crazy slut because she had a terrible father.  i think her father was pretty GOOD…..he was just legit CRAZY. she was too. but they both managed it pretty well. until they didnt. well, she’s doing allright. but he isn’t. it’s SAD!!!!!!!!!

so yeah. good people can be totally sidelined by Mental Illness. I totally believe it. I get it. I understand.

so yeah i wish her well, hopeyouredoingwell.wav, and that she safeguards herself against the bipolar condition. imho getting out of LAW was a good move. she can find other Careers to make Good Money. everyone I went to Uni with seems to have no problem makign good money! with me being the lone exception of course hahahaha.

selling the last of my bitcoin. huge. rally. to the moon. very bullish. sold at 890 yesterday, sell the last of muh btc at like 930ish today. and if it goes higher, OH WELL, im all tapped out.

ok sold it. done. no more bitcoin left. except 1 dollar in a btcjam account from deadbeats slowing paying me back on microloans. us citizens are now barred from loaning any more. oh well. it wasnt a great system for me anyway hahahaha. good riddance.

hehehhehehe this is starting right now. i would have shit my pants over this a few years ago. its a good move for roosh to move towards more serious men like uncle bern.  but both seem naive for just not reading the writing on the wall already. JQ. Race. WN. move past MGTOW shit. find a traditional woman. roosh go back to persia and stop ruining white women.

hehehe roosh really looks like a mudslim isis terrorist with that huge beard. i guess im glad he got TIRED of banging white sluts and realized there was more to life than MUH DICK.

with my superior white mind, i came to that conclusion and didnt even have to bang ANY white sluts!

and yeah i kinda envy him for having success with my race’s women where I have had NONE. literally. all the women i have had any success with have been nonwhite joos hahahahahahahahaha.  even white trash fatherless sluts reject me in favor of blacks and criminal toughguys.

well good riddance, i will go be a mgtow and get a damn realdoll HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA jk.

heh maybe bernard will become a WN in a few years. everybody moves at their own pace hehehehe. you cant really RUSH people.

ideally roosh would just marry a persian woman, have persian children, and repent for his past degeneracy, and encourage Racial, Noncivic Nationalism. encourage all his white male fans to become WN’s. Roosh is not a dumb guy. and he is gradually moving in the right direction.

but there are so many white omegas out there who can only think about women women women women women women women. i used to be one of them hahahahahaha. i STILL think about women ALL THE DAMN TIME. but now i keep Sex in its proper perspective – subordinate to RACE. whereas these mens movement people would disagree with that totally. and say race doesnt matter nearly as much as sex.

yeah sex does matter a lot. but race matters more.

just dump him and replace him with a better man! that is the answer to all womens relship problems. we men mean NOTHING to women. they are the REAL haters hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. women hate men WAYYYYYYYYYYYY more than men hate women. women MEAN a lot to men. Men mean NOTHING to women. hahahahahaha. ok thats an example of the type of thoughts i don’t want to have, and ideally would refute them with a convincing rebuttal.

Have you ever had Anal Sex with a man you knew for less than 2 weeks? less than 1 week? how many men?

in the questions to ask your prospective wife hahahahaha. ideally you should not know these men less than a year. buttsecs is a BIG DEAL and should not be given out willy nilly. yet these beautiful white 22 year old gurls are quickly becoming ANAL WHORES!!!!!! BUTT SLUTS!!!!!!!!

would you want your DAUGHTER becoming that?

or do you just not care, all you care about is muh dick and muh drugs and muh alcohol? like a negro!!!!!!

just call them white n199er5.wav hahahahahaha

yet my female friend from 11+ years ago did all sorts of DISGUSTING things, and I dont hate her for it!

i wasnt in luv with her though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

could I have been? maybe. anythings possible. but i knew all those unsavory things about her already, learned them pretty quickly, whereas That Woman didnt have any of those Disqualifiers.

and i STILL trust that That Woman wasnt HIDING anything. she was a trustworthy person. which made losing her very hard! and she still is trustworthy! she was and is a decent, valuable, good person! its really hard to lose that! it’s a lot easier to lose a total piece of shit!

anyway.  its all over. its finished. RIP.

but yeah. i am thankful for the few female friends i have had, i continue to learn from them 11 years later hahahaha. so yeah i hope that woman is doing well. that she finds a good man. although she would be hard to deal with. i dont think i’d want to. heck its possible she became a lesbian hahaha. but i dont think so.  but yeah she did disgusting things and i dont think any less of her as a person.

but yeah i didnt want to Be With Her and make babies with her and make her my waifu. at all hahahaha. whatsoever. i would have laughed at the thought. there was not that kind of Romantic Luv. I guess it could have developed. but now we are talking hypotheticals.

i mean what if she werent dating that guy? what if she was more “gf-ish” and sweet to me?  i mean she was nice to me but in that just one of the guys sort of way. and since i wasnt looking for any more from her, i didnt mind at all.

but yeah, bottom line, she was a good person and deserves good things and good people, but she was a little bipolar, but that shouldnt count against her. she could still be a good white wife and mother (and i hope she does!), provided she didnt screw it up.

she was weird though. she might not even WANT kids. she strikes me as possibly being one of those Weird Women that just has no desire to have children.

anyway my final word on her is that she is a good person and i hope she is doing well.

looked at hookers on backpage. technically that is not the same as looking at pron. i found at least two white hookers that caught my interest. 90% of the women were disgusting blaq hookers hehehehehe. not that the white ones are not white trash, but my god, i cant even imagine the type of man who would PAY these blaq women in the pictures, i mean they often looked fat and horrible.

funny that the majority of the white hookers BLATANTLY said no black men. so they are race aware and have a preference against black men, where Regular White Nonhooker Women do NOT! they are equal opportunity Cvm Bvckets!

well, as hookers, these women see the absolutely shadiest men right? so they probably saw tons of shady ghetto thug black men, not  talented tenth black men hahahaha. and arent the WHITE men they see shadier than the average white man? what kind of man uses hookers anyway?

Basically every man I know has been to a strip club. no big deal there. I heard of one guy who got drunk once and somehow a stripper offered to Suck His D for a price and he said ok sure i’ll pay 80 bucks for that! i dont think he found that all too horrible but it also wasnt the type of thing he did normally.

when i was in Uni a hedonist, sensualist acquaintance of mine talked about banging a hooker in amsterdam. this guy was a free luv kinda hippie type and very handsome, didn’t really NEED to bang hookers. i think he was just a sex freak and just honestly wanted to bang a hooker because it WASNT a normal nonhooker.

I heard about a middle aged alcoholic who would occasionally bang hookers. this kinda made the most sense. he was like 50 something, didnt want to waste time chatting with women, he had money from a business he miraculously ran, and he spent his money on booze and hookers. fantastic. TERRIFIC hahahaha.

i’ve known men who regularly go to strip clubs and it is PATHETIC. I have no desire to go to a strip club ever again. I would MUCH rather just hire a hooker for 30 minutes. strip clubs are just disgusting jooish places.

and yeah obviously i would rather be In A Rel with That Woman than ever go to a hooker. Still not over her! it will take about 2 years. but i am closer than i’ve ever been to getting over her. really all it will take now is meeting The Next Woman. I need to MEET WOMEN. and if that means going on fookin ok cupid, then thats what i have to do.

yep that FUATH – I album is really good. very listenable. dont even CARE if its a drum machine. album of the month hahahaha. dec 2016.

also looked on craigslist and backpage for “420” or “medical cannabis” or that type of thing. found some stuff, looked shady and or they blatantly said, you gotta have your card. which i’m sure they HAVE To say!!!!!!!

oh god heres a terrible woman. “sex worker” who got a phd in biology or some shit and is horribly sex positive and some of the trs goys are bullying her. GOOD! she is a monster. and jooish hahahahaha. OF COURSHE.

these women with phds in casual sex. fooking like negros. that is literally what their phd is in. then they make 600000000000000 tweets a day about how good casual sex is. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.




nov 9

wow just wow, i cant even. you white people. so xenophobic and racist and sexist and misogynist. i need a mental health day to meet with my therapist. white people. so afraid to give up oppressing everyone else. i am sad and scared and ashamed. i cant even. i cant believe thsi is happening in 2016. those racist white boomers. white men. i thought they were dying off.

the leftist tears, shitlib tears, the moaning and groaning and its literally the end of the world. so fookin awesome. i dont want to be a sore winner or anything, BUT….. i mean i still hasnt sunk in for me, this is a huge fookin deal, i am just not used to this, i was totally expecting a hillary win, i still dont believe it.

but yeah to watch them whine about muh racism and all that shit they always whine about, but its worse now, but we won, the whites won baby hahaha.

of course not all trump supporters are deplorable racists like me. plenty go out of their way to be anti-racist. probably MOST are anti-racist.

but those shitlibs will call you a racist anyway.i just want to go to twitter and reddit and msm and all these sluts and catgirls.

well supposedly white women went for TRUMP. WOW. i would not expect any women to go for trump.

systematic hatred, voting for HATRED and DIVISION bla bla bla oh god i am so glad these LOSERS LOST. I dont want these people to think that their pathetic weak beliefs are correct. i want them to feel horrible anxiety and fear and hurt their fee fees for the next 4 years. hell yes i am a sore winner hahahahahaha. because these sick degen shitlibs are a fooking CANCER.

no not the everyday people that i see everyday. oh even the real life guy i know that is VERY butthurt right now and engages nonshitlibs in discussions of white privilege and legacy of slavery and structural, systemic racism, and who shakes his head at whites, total ta nehisi coates, atlantic, joo york slimes worhsipper hahaha. professional moving up in his career, making 50k+ a year. he is just so angry and butthurt and disappointed and will probably be complaining for the next 4 years. he is a white man who i have known for years and is a decent guy……but he will never be turned from his shitlibbery. now i dont think he is a bad guy and needs to GET IN THE OVEN like all these other sick traitorous shitlibs. even though he is a total shitlib hahahaha.

so yeah i dont want any harm to come to him because he is basically my friend, but i do enjoy his butthurt to some degree, like saying, yeah youre WRONG with all your BULLSHIT and us evil white men arent ready to DIE OFF just yet. welcome to the REAL WORLD.

but yeah all these shitlib millennials (and older) in joo york and all that shit, they can all hang for treason, hahaha. deplorable traitors.

i am hoping for r10t5 by ghetto blacks and browns, so law and order can come down swiftly hahahaha.

i dont think david duke won though, which is kinda suprising, i thought LA went strong for trump, i know they did.

well there was like 20 other republican in that race……dont they have a damn primary? i didnt know that. i thought he was the only repub candidate for senate.

literally shaking. giving side eye to all the WHITE PEOPLE i see. i just dont want to go out and see WHITE PEOPLE!!!!!!!! evil racist white people voting for trump, for racism, for homophobia and islamophobia and transphobia and guns and slavery and rape!!! the only thing that  that keeps me going is the thought that this is the LAST RATTLE of White Racism, and we just have to stay strong for 4 more years, then the WHITE MAN is DONE.

anyway. as a white person who never tried to be racist, who once cared about being anti racist, i gradually learned that nothing you could do was ever enough. YOU WERE RACIST WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT because you didnt bend the knee enough, didnt check your privilege enough. if you were white, these shitlibs saw you as racist unless you did everything you could to suck their dicks, like the punchable face weak phaggots you see in hillary events. and these White Dudes STILL have Internalized Racism bla bla bla.

i did natzi this coming but now shitlibs are really piling the hate on white women. that white women really sold out all WOMEN in favor of their white privilege. because trump did a lot better than expected with white women.

hehehe people saying “fook comey” and blaming comey for “reopening the email investigation” and that ruined hillarys chances, when there wasnt even any real news there hahahaha. so this was all a plan to make hillary look bad before the election.

i never unfriended anybody over their obnoxious political views hahaha. i mean this one guy would be a prime candidate, but i accept him as being a good decent honorable person at heart. with some horribly misguided views that he probably will never change unless some nonwhites start accusing him of being racist, when he is a huge outspoken antiwhite antiracist. a scathing rebuke by nonwhites antiracists antiwhites would probably strike a nerve with him. bbbbut im not racist! i check my white privilege! im sorry for slavery and its legacy! i understand systemic racism! i know all about housing discrimination! urban crisis! i cant be a racist! ive worked so hard to not be a racist! being a racist is the worst thing ever!

this is the common theme, they think being a racist is the worst thing ever. i would admit that it is not. i would admit openly i am “slightly racist. of course these antiracists dont appreciate that honestly, they think WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY arent you working to overcome your own racism? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

heh i will be amused just to hear these losers WHINE for the next FOUR YEARS hahahaha.

i have no precedent for this. still sinking in. still in shock. i didnt expect this. i expected hillary to win!

in 2012 i voted for mitt but also did not really expect him to win, but of course was slightly disappointed when barry won. but not NEARLY as disappointed as these shitlibs are NAO!!!!!!!!!

in 2008 I WAS the naive stupid immature shitlib voting for barry!!!!! and i was like yayyyy hope and change, this is so neat, progressive!

thankfully i got out of that. quitting drinking helped, i think it helped me Get Woke quicker. quit drinking in 2009, and i estimate 2010 was when i FLIPPED.

CA, NV, and MA have approved legal MJ! still waiting on AZ results. and maine.

uhhhh try not to dox but things got kinda heated in muh state, that is to say things were more exciting in this state than they have been in a few elections!

i wonder if it would be easier to sneak MJ out of Mass than out of colorado hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

defeated in arizona. still waiting on maine. well that SUCKS for arizona! i would be pissed if i were them.

anyway i would be super annoyed if i were on FACEBOOK and reading this guys posts, and everybody else hehehe. but then i would know exactly how shitlib my friends and acquaintances are. but do i really WANT to know?

if they are ALREADY my friends and acquaintences, well, good for them, they are GRANDFATHERED in hahahahaha.

of course i havent made any NEW friends since……..sheeeeeeit. years. That Woman, and this nice young man I used to work with, were the the only real new friends I have made since………………..i dunno 2010 hahahaha. and that nice young man im sure was a bit of a shitlib. actually he seemed Non political but if asked to make a decision as in an election, would prob vote for hillary.

yep i still read this sub hahahaha havent Tasted The Tears from the more political subs hehe. i mean its REDDIT, you know it is gonna get pretty YUCKY in there.


white women, 53% trump, 43% hillary. i am honestly suprised here. i thought at LEAST 60% hillary for white women, basically all women.

American women voted overwhelmingly for Clinton, except the white ones

so yeah WOMEN on a WHOLE voted for hillary, but WHITE women leaned towards trump.

THANK FOOKING GOD. Maybe it was WHITE WOMEN who were RESPONSIBLE for this.

basically this makes me feel a lot better about white women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i mean not that i KNOW any white women who voted trump hahahhaahaa. well except this 47 year old woman i saw at this social event who has like 3 kids.

so yeah my friends and colleagues arent really EVIL…….but the people they want to lead them are evil hehehehehe.

im not even sure if the GOD EMPEROR has even spoke publicly since 3am in the morning. he sounded fairly presidential then but i am sure he was tired at the end of the night hehehe.

its kinda like an omega virgin falling in luv with a grill and putting the pvssy on a pedestal. rather than grabbing it hahahaha. our IMAGE of trump and what we WANT him to be are different that who he really is. there is NO WAY he can live up to our expectations. basically its very likely he will sell out and become a basic bitch establishment neocon like jeb bush or something. no wall, no jobs, no deportations, just a lot of tuff talk and no action.

i fully admit that could happen! and we will be disappointed.

but yeah i think even if/when trump disappoints, there will be other people like him, better than him, more alt right than him. he is just the beginning, but we do need somebody to be the first. when he disappoints, there will be someone else who does not disappoint.

so yeah i am fully prepared that he will sell out or soften in some way.

anyway last night in public there was still some hope that hillary would win. i thought hillary was gonna win. resigned myself hehehe. now these same people will be butthurt as hell today. i am going to a social thing tonight where the people will not be happy hehehehe.

oh well not my problem.

search white people on twitter

white guy saying white people are the worst, ugh,  i cant wait until white people are not a majority any more.

looks like we underestimated the evil white racists and this is a dreadful, disgusting reminder of how much power they still have, and how far we still need to go, in being ultra progressive degenerates. we need more tolerance and more progressiveness hehehehe.

theyve been saying this shit for years, but now they are at a fever pitch with it, AND they LOST. YOU LOSE.  its hard to be a good winner about it!

heh. i do want them to feel despair, i have felt despair for years. i want them to despair so hard they fail at life, lose their jobs, lose their rels, go completely fookin insane. but they already ARE insane! yeah but they are also VALIDATED by having good jobs and somewhat good rels! they need more rejection and defeat in their lives hahahahaha.

its just more funny to think of the white shitlibs i know. its like, is your life really ruined now? is this really SO bad? youre still here, youre still making 50k a year, you still have a gf or wife or kid, you still are respected and can cry with your intelligent educated shitlib friends about how horrible the white man is, go to your hugbox hahaha. this isnt really a a huge loss FOR YOU hehehehe. but you feel sooooo bad on behalf of the muslims and women and nonwhites and latinos and blacks who are being BULLIED by this playground BULLY. chad the white fratboy bully.

i mean you HAVE to be upset, to SIGNAL that youre NOT A RACIST!

only RACISTS are not hugely upset about this!

i wonder how much longer i will be able to hide. i mean i wont be bitching for the next 4 years like These People hehehehe.

unrelated but i hadnt heard this yet, pretty funny

dunno just havent had A Win in 12 years hahahaha and this is a much bigger win hehehe. i mean this is huge election, very important in history…..and i was on the right side of it. the right side of history. i wont tell my children that i was some whining shitlib on suizid watch hehehe. i will say yes i was one of those strong proud free white men hehehe.  then i never got a white wife and never had white children cuz they went for the more alpha trump supporters, of which there are many hahaha.


i remember in…..2006 or 07 i had this idea of “white backlash” like white people that were so threatened and fragile. remember i was still a stupid shitlib and voted for obongo in 2008, while also getting drunk all the time and thinking that whites oppressed everybody and were afraid of all nonwhites. and then demonized and victim blamed their victims. and did white flight and moved to white suburbs and bitched about how shitty blacks were.

thank GOD that by 2016 I changed my views and got on THE RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY. hahahaha.

get ready for 8 years of WHITELASH and WHITESPLAINING.

HOPEFULLY the shitlibs whine and complain SO MUCH that eventually white people are like DAMN you people WHINE about WHITE PEOPLE so much,


thats kinda what set me on the path. nothing was good enough for these people. either you were antiwhite or you were part of the white problem. i was like, come on, white people arent THAT bad! cant i say one good thing about white people? white people ended black slavery. white people stopped hitler and ended your damn shoah. and its still not enough. because whites are the cancer of humanity, whites oppress everyone, whites are the worst. ok then.

that was a real thing for me in turning me. i just got sick of the antiwhite remarks. i dont hate anyone. i sorta even believe in white privilege. just…..stop bashing whites so damn much! jeez! we might be the cancer of the human race but were not that bad! i mean blacks, joos, and arabs are all pretty goddamn bad, we’re every bti as good as them hahahaha.

also becoming jq wise helped.

heh. this might help me get over That Woman.

I mean, its a YUGE thing, its a GREAT thing, a very POSITIVE thing.

getting a JOB would be another positive thing…….but thats been hard as fook. harder and longer than TRUMP going from a “joke” to GOD EMPEROR. DONT FOOK WITH US. THE SLEEPING GOY AWAKENS.

nov 10

dear god. try to use muh computer and turns out the fookin HARD DRIVE IS DEAD. well at least pretty sure it is. never had that happen before. it was making weird beeping noise. well, it turned on initially, then “disk” (not cpu!) was at 99%, so i tried to restart, ended up doing hard power off. then it wouldnt turn back on. gave error message about cant boot or something, check boot order, it basically was not being recognized. and it was beeping. for a few months before it has been clicking, i guess thats not good.

watched a few youtube videos, one showed that you could temporarily fix this by removing the hard drive and battery, then “reseating” them. I carefully found the hard drive (not difficult) and pulled it out (little moar tricky because didnt know if i was doing it right or breaking it). took it out, looked at it like a monkey, looked at the connections, looked at the label, blew on the connectors like a nintendo cartridge, tried to turn it back on, and same old shit. still beeping. cant get to windows. cant get to anything.

ended up making a Quick Decision. i need muh damn laptop!!!!! it is absolutely essential for jobz.

using previous laptop which is 4 times slower but the hard drive still works! its worked for 4 years and the new laptop hard drive only worked for 1 and a half! DISGRACEFUL!!!!!!

warranty was over after 1 year. figures.

who even KNOWS if it IS the hard drive? I am taking a gamble here.

but seriously folks. this old computer. its shameful that i let muh family use something that is SO SLOW. I just spent some money to buy some more ram for it. it still wont be fast but right now its so slow you cant even use it. you gotta turn off the antivirus just to type in blogs hahahaha.

basically can only have 3 tabs open. 2 gigs of ram. disgraceful. i cant LET my FAMILY use this! but they havent really complained about it. oh well. do the right thing. the hard drive is good at least.

anyway. went way over on cals yesterday, but stayed in the limit today. good. did 10 pushups today, good. only 2.2 miles of walking, meh.

went so far over the cals yesterday, absolutely obscene.

losing weight is 90% diet (what you eat) and 10% exercise.

fookin hard drive. i like the computer, just ridiculous the hard drive failed.

what if it didnt fail. what if it was…….the hard drive connector that is built into the motherboard. im assuming. i really dont like computers. i am just above average amerifat at working with them. good enough to make 15 an hour at a computer job…………..that is horribly stressful and involves being thrown into situations where you have to fix and explain shit where you have no idea what youre doing, being slammed by impatient and angry people ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

is that really worth 15 an hour?

had a dream last night that did not have HER, but it was like i was hanging out with people and we were doing a scavenger hunt and we went to a bowling alley i think and the instruction was, find the thing in here that reminds you of That Woman. There is one specific thing here that is a blatant reference to Her, if you really know her.

then i got all mad and was like you dont know her! you dont know her! all you people think she is so great but she’s not that great. i dont want to play this stupid game any more. she broke my heart. shes not some angel. i dont want to hear you saying how great and awesome she is. shes not THAT awesome.

so i was all butthurt. and everyone was like oh. well. sorrrrrrrrry. so you dont like her. youre a weirdo anyway. she prob had a good reason to dump you. she’s still a great awesome person.

then there was a woman with pink hair who may or may not have been her. i guess the idea was, i havent seen her in 2 years, and i wouldnt recognize her, ESPECIALLY if she got pink hair.  the pink hair girl was only in the dream for 2 seconds.

so then today i was slightly sad because i was like, wow, at one time we had a really good thing. and it went SO bad. i never wanted to hurt her, and i never wanted her to become so disappointed in me. she was a good influence in muh life, and her thinking of me as a horrible bad influence was HORRIBLE for my self esteem hahaha. you dont have to like me back, just dont think im a horrible person. i cant handle YOU thinking im a horrible person. that k’s me.

so yeah. when you lose a great person, and they treat you like you are a monster, its a lot harder than if you lost a shitty person, or they didnt treat you like a monster, because now you blame yourself so hard for pushing Your Perfect Soulmate out of your life and you have no one to blame but yourself.

but people ruin their own lives all the time!!!!!!! and they SHOULD blame themselves!

and people DO push people away ALL THE TIME!!! they abuse their longsuffering wife who rightfully leaves them!

so naturally i think i am one of those bad horrible people.

but im really NOT, but its hard to stop those thoughts.

so thats the hardest thing.

well it would prob be harder if we were ACTUALLY “dating” and i pushed her away from THAT. cuz i would have lost even MORE. and then i would have loathed muh self even MORE.

when really yeah i mean i was awkward and cowardly and WEAK.  but i wasnt waiting in the wings with ulterior motives like a nice guy. which is enough to legit rightfully drive a person away. and i hate that she thinks I am like that. but i can see how she could. but i hate that a person i care about things so low of me and she is gonna live with that memory of me forever. when im not really THAT BAD. and she was a great person i wanted to have children with hahahahahaha. a good white wife. and now i gotta find another one. that i have actual real feelings for. and not some thot hahahahaha. thot genocide.

but yeah whatever. i lost a very very very important person to me and they hate me and will remember me wrongly forever. no big deal. you can easily replace all that. hahahaha.

all these idiots think trump is FULL OF HATE. wheres the HATE i ask? how is he HATEFUL?

how is he a BIGOT?

you will hear HATEFUL or BIGOT whenever these losers start talking. they are even bigger losers than I am. at least i am not ashamed of being white hahahaha. but i am ahsamed of being a weak loser who loses more than leftist shitlib antiwhite antiracist swpls hahahaha.

what if this new hard drive does not fix the computer?

i also had to buy an acer windows recovery disc from acer so i can reinstall windows. because microsoft, saw muh activation key, said nope you gotta go to the manufacturer for this one. put in serial number at acer, i am kindly allowed to buy one disc forever for 20 bucks. no downloads hahaha.  there are grammar and spelling mistakes on the acer website. i should have not gotten an acer. fook them. the refurbished dell inspiron…..sorry latitude is a more solid computer.

and oops i ordered the same brand of hard drive that was in there. didnt really shop around for hard drives.  seagate brand. well it had a good rating at newegg.

well well see. if it doesnt work then i just totally wasted 60 bucks and then next thing will prob be drop even MOAR money on a totally new comp. sheeeeeeeeeeit.

well ghoul from TRS has revealed his RL face, kind of a big thing. he is starting a new show on youtube. i was shocked at how handsome and normie chad he looks like. i figured he would be an ugly autist from the way he talks. all awkward autistic. but noooo. he looks like a healthy fashy handsome spencelerian white ubermensch. GREAT.

however it kinda made me like him more.

but also made me envious.

on 30 minutes in the oven, they interviewed ghoul once and hes like, its really not that hard to find a good woman, you can find one in a BAR, you just gotta put yourself out there, talk to people, show initiative, be a somewhat interesting guy.

easy for you to say, handsome chad!

but yeah just from the awkward way he talked, and the fact that hes doing a philosophy phd (i think), i figured he would be a huge virgin. but NOOOOOOO he prob has a good gf.

well good for him i guess. but its a hell of a lot harder for some of us. or, we finally DO, and they leave us because we are horrible and weak and push them away by being too needy hahaha.






had stupid dream with The Woman but it wasnt as horrible as it could have been. the main thing i remember is my leg touching her leg because i was trying to indicate interest but she was not interested. the other main thing was that she was being actively bitchy to me. not just cold and distant, but she appeared to sadistically enjoy busting my balls. like yeah im gonna enjoy being mean to this loser. i also kept chasing after her trying to have a conversation that lasted more than 30 seconds, becuase “WE NEED TO TALK.” but she kept leaving after 30 seconds of small talk, usually busting my balls. eventually i caught up to her and frantically said we need to talk, i have something i want to talk to you about.

that was about it. in real life she was cold and distant but not actively mean, if that makes any sense. she would still do small talk with me, but she was at least pretending to be nice when she did it, i could see hints of the Good Old version of her, which of course gave me false hope.

my new theory on “how could she do this” in addition to “easy way out”, is that she HAD to make me The Bad Guy in order to justify doing this. gonna treat him like a piece of shit because he IS a piece of shit. so in other words i could never convince her otherwise. her mind is made up. now why exactly im a piece of shit ill never know, but probably it has to do with her feeling Betrayed and or Horrified. she feels Betrayed that her friend could be harboring these “secret feelings” all the while. it wasnt all the while, i was very clear to mention, but she prob didnt read that. she was building up her own fantasy where i was the total bad guy who was sleazily scheming to get close to her and eventually get with her.  so she was totally deluded; i wasnt betraying her or stabbing her in the back. i wasnt scheming to do anything but damn talk to her as soon as possible!

it DOESNT HAVE To make sense. she is a woman hahahaha. not particularly Emotionally Intelligent. not particularly Empathic. she never said well maybe he just likes me, and when men and women are friends for a while, its not uncommon for one person to get feelings, its nobodys FAULT.  no, its i was the bad piece of shit betrayer who doesnt deserve to be let down easy. send him a message.

so yeah i dont like it! cuz im not the bad guy! and i dont like being thought of as a Bad Guy by someone i loved!

so that means shes gonna tell her friends and family what a horrible piece of shit i am. that i….betrayed her by secretly wanting her.

i mean if she THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR 2 SECONDS, she could see how ridiculous this is. i didnt start acting weird until october or so. and she didnt start denying me Hangouts before then. before then everything was all good. and then i started acting weird and wanting to hang out. GEE I WONDER WHY. also if she could put herself in my position and say when have i ever had one sided feelings for someone? oh very recently thats right. and what did it feel like? oh it was painful and heartbreaking. what did i do? oh i tried to hang out with them and talk to them about it. more likely i succeeded in hanging out with them and showing this physically thru Fooking and Sucking, didnt need to have a talk about it, because talking just messes everything up, fooking and sucking says all that needs to be said hahahahahaha.

but yeah she needs to view me as the bad guy in order to treat me like the bad guy. no wonder then, that for a long time i FEEL like a bad guy! and constantly blame myself for being the bad guy! because thats how shes treating me!!!!

heh. she is the one who has been in a long term rel for 5 years yet she cant even take 10 seconds to do an EMpathy Exercise, or think Second LEvel THinking about this. that i might not be the bad guy, that i just eventually got feelings and wanted to talk about them, and the more we didnt talk, the weirder and more anxious i got.

she thought i was the bad guy betrayer and she was totally mistaken.

i was simply in luv with her, and i was not mistaken at all. that was totally honest.

getting feelings for someone isnt BETRAYING them! but i cant convince her of that. of COURSE i wrote a few good paragraphs about this to her. but of course shes not gonna believe The Bad Guy!

but i think if she tells the story honestly to others, they would say, well he wasnt trying to betray you, he obviously got feelings for you and wanted to talk to you about it, but you wouldnt really let him, you stopped hanging out. i mean he CHANGED didnt he? if he hadnt changed in his outward behavior, that would be more of a betrayal, cuz he would be pretending something other than the truth. he was obviously worried an anxious about this. he wasnt pretending to be your friend and secretly having feelings.

but women can use the Hamster to convince themselves of ANYTHING, so she could well believe that i was a Weak Beta Orbiter that whole damn 2 years, lying to her. when i wasnt. but she might paint this picture to her friends and family. this is stupid and unfair and i kind of liked her family.

OR i could just be wrong and her primary emotion is not “ive been betrayed by this evil coward!” but “im confused and overwhelmed and i am gonna shut down because its the easy way out.”

so then at this time she may still be confused but not willing to sort the emotions out because its too much work, to apologize is too much work, still wants to take easy way out, pretend i never existed.  there is probably a complicated stew of emotions including betrayal, and confusion, and horrified, in the sense of o god please tell me he doesnt like me, it kinda seems like it now, o god that would be horrible. she might have been in denial about that, same was i was in denial about “oh yeah shell hang out and well talk eventually.”

also women move on from things a lot quicker. this could have to do with them having a biological clock, OR they are used to the process of Processing Men, OR they dont really DEAL with anything, they just avoid it and push it under the rug and try to forget about it. or a combination of all that.

anyway. i am entitled to MY feelings, and she is entitled to HER feelings. whatever they may be. i am entitled to feel devastated and heartbroken, she is entitled to feel Betrayed. even if that is RIDICULOUS. WAY more ridiculous than me being in luv with her!

betrayal is when…..shit who cares. theres arguments for and against why she could view what i did as a betrayal. i will never know what she actually thinks, and it doesnt really MATTER, other than me overanalysing it trying to figure out “how could she do this?” one day in the distant future i will hopefully just stop caring. but this is part of me processing it. i have to plow right through the middle of it all, suffer all the suffering.

so maybe she didnt think i was THE BAD GUY. maybe she did.

another thing that bothers me is ill never know if she Read Muh Emailz. they explained my side of the story pretty well and addressed all the shit i worry about here: the ideal of betrayal, when everything happened, a timeline, explanation of my motives, stupid apoligies, asking her “could there ever be a chance of you and me”, pointing out that i wasnt hiding shit from her, that i wanted to talk but tension built up the longer we didnt talk; how and when my feelings started; appealing to the Good Times and the close connection; me asking why are you so offended by this; opening the door to future contact, i will always be willing to talk, but also saying the ball is in your court; and begging please respond hahahaha. these 3-4 emails were an epic journey, quite a lot going on there. im sure made her overwhelmed all over again hahahaha and its EASIER just not to respond ever.

but yeah i just want to know she READ it rather than just blocked them or deleted them without reading. those emails were the only way i could communicate what i wanted to communicate, and i will never know if she even read them!!!!!

and i just have to live with that.

yeah feel the feelings. i am just very heartbroken that an Important Relationship Of My Life ended in such a stupid, hurtful, painful way.

so what hurts more? me with the pain of heartbreak, or her with the ridiculous invalid pain of “being betrayed?”

i am gonna go with the heartbreak hahahaha.

also maybe because she had been betrayed by a guy recently, she automatically saw anything weird that happened with a guy as a BETRAYAL. but dont get it twisted honey. i didnt cheat on you. you werent in love with me. i was in love with you and you treated me like i was a horrible person. come on. getting feelings isnt inherently horrible. it is almost inevitable when a man and a woman are friends for long enough.  sure its uncomfortable and awkward but its not HORRIBLE.

however this is a sophisticated nuance that requires great Emotional Intelligence to recognize. and like all intelligence, men have more emotional intelligence than women, even if women are more Emotional than men. they’re just not smart about it though! they miscommunicate and dont communicate and dont think about the emotions and what they mean, where they come from, what other emotions and thoughts might be under them, and also what emotions the other people are having. empathy.

nope. its just i have my simple story of what i think he was thinking, and thats it. no discussion, just straight dumping.

never read the emails where he actually explains what he is thinking and feeling, cuz they are too long and creepy, because he’s the bad guy here, im the good guy, and i dont have to learn a damn thing about Communication, Emotional Intelligence, or RElationships.  nope.

well i learned a decent amount even if she learned nothing.

well its not like she is BAD at relationships. she just needs to be invested in them and then she can make them last. but she was not invested with me!!! and i thought she would be. that she would be invested enough to not take the easy way out. guess i was wrong. hahahaha.

i just hate feeling like the bad guy. i never had so much self blame as i do now. with other Heartbreaks i was able to make THEM the bad guy and i was fine with that! (even though in the long run its no ones FAULT really, they just dont have the feelings, and its NICE of them to try to let you down easy, they dont HAVE To do that, as we have seen!.

but yeah when they TREAT you like a bad guy, you FEEL like a bad guy, and think wow damn i must have done something that was absolutely HORRIBLE! i am a horrible person and dont even know it! and all my life i have tried NOT to be a horrible person! yet i still end up being one!

anyway i still want her and her long legs and big thighs and pale white skin and big white ass and Nice Mouth and pretty hair and pretty face and nice skin and didnt dress like a 2 dollar whore with whoreclothes and clown make up wawawawawawawawawawaw. ok time for a 4.4 miler.

why she do this to me hahahahaha. wawawawawawaw.

every day i have to fight off urges to contact her. becuase i think she made the wrong decision. we are each entitled to our Emotions, but her emotion that i Betrayed her is Just Wrong. but i dont know for a fact that she feels that way, or just an undifferentiated emotion stew that she never bothered to analyze.

yeah i mean i was pushy annoying desperate and weird to her, at a hard time in her life. not my proudest moment.

but she would rather throw away 2 good years than have ONE HOUR of conversation? i will always be butthurt by that!

and yeah i still want her. i want to be with her. “only wanna be with u” by hootie and the blowfish hahahaha. that would be my theme song for her.

but what would i say that hasnt been said already? i said 90% of this in the 4 emails.

hahahaha maybe i should resend the emails plus a new email, from a brand new email address which she hasnt blocked.

and again, i dont know if she’s BLOCKED email, or just deletes it as soon as she sees it

well she has sent the clear message that she doesnt want to talk to me. period. sooooooo sending her shit saying please respond is just useless.

and you can’t MAKE somebody do something. cant MAKE them love you, cant MAKE them respond to you, cant MAKE them hang out with you, cant MAKE them communicate with you.

well sure you can! you can say “please just do me a favor here. for the sake of our friendship just bite the bullet and do this one thing for me.” and then they can still refuse because they blocked that email hahahaha.

or my drinking friend, i can say “just DO ME A FAVOR, dont drink in front of me”, and then he will respect my wishes, and then say WELP i gotta go put some clothes in the dryer, be back in 2 minutes, chugalug chugalug, hahahahaha. but as long as hes not doing it in front of me thats better.

so she didnt want to do me that favor. because she blocked my email. well i dont know that though. the only thing i know she blocked was facebook.

note: never once did i stalk her or bombard her with messages or do anything commonly associated with blocking.

and usually its the dumped that blocks the dumper. and she was def the dumper and i was the dumped.


so if i send her an email from a new email then i can be sure she wont block it. i cant be sure she’ll READ it, in fact, she probably wont. she’ll see long emails from someone who’s clearly me and then delete them and block THAT email. and if she thinks im the bad guy, that wont change that at all.

and if she doesnt think im the bad guy? she might start to think im the bad guy. i mean creating a new email to send her an email she doesnt have immediately blocked is pretty DESPERATE.

but i Own My Desperation hahahaha. i was desperate because somebody i luved was separating from me and eventually abandoned me, and i didnt want them to. who among you has never been desperate when you were losing the one you loved hahahaha.

its sad and STUPID. i cant tell her how stupid shes being hahahaha. well she is entitled to her STUPID emotions that are a WRONG assessment of me.

so now im abusive because im caller her stupid. because i dont RESPECT her decision to throw me away like trash for something i didnt actually do, and she wont give me a chance to defend myself.

but remember i cant PROVE that she feels betrayed. i can just infer or deduce.

so i should take the easy way out myself and just pick the one thats easier for me to live with? or the one that by occams razor seems the most reasonable explanation? dont complicate or overthink it hahahaha.

also say she feels betrayed and sees me as a monster. i can still see that she is an ok person who just did a shitty think. i have a more nuanced and balanced fair and balanced view of her hahahaha whereas she wrongly sees me as a total monster.

but we dont know she thinks of me like that.

why do i care.

becuase you CARE what people you LOVE think of you!!!!!!

was it unreasonable of me to LOVE her? well KIND OF but also not really! it would be unreasonable of me to fall in luv with her after just a few weeks or month. but to Eventually Get Feelings after a Period of Friendhsip, no i dont think thats unreasonable. it doesnt make you a monster. but she thought i had the feelings all along. well i dont KNOW what she thought!!!!!!

but yeah 3 months later and i still wish i could convince her to Love me and change her mind.

well she didnt say yes, she didnt say MAYBE, she said NO.

well she didnt say ANYTHING! but if she meant MAYBE, she probably would have SAID “MAYBE.”

yeah this obvious message is a door slammed in your face, that means NO, it doesnt mean MAYBE.

but yeah i dont understand why she did it so damn hatefully. i didnt deserve to be treated like that. just tell me no, that a lot better. its amazing what a big difference the communication makes.

ok did a nice 4.5 miler.

shit. you gotta have a MASTERS DEGREE just to be a damn SECRETARY and make 15 DAH. 30 grand a year.

or you can work tech support call center hahahahahahhahahaha. fook id almost rather get a damn useless masters degree.

shit. so. i remember the good times and use them to ignore the bad times. she remembers only the bad times and uses them to forget the good times.

if she could remember the good times maybe she would want to be with me wawawawaw.

so thats why i wish i could contact her, to remind her of the good times. BUT she obviously doesnt want to talk to me or hear from me. i cant change her mind.  she used to be very sensible for a woman, i didnt expect her to be THIS emtionally retarded.

i mean yeah i guess ill get over this eventually but its gonna take SUCH A LONG TIME.

it TAKES such a long time because she was a very important person in my life and i had Very Deep Feelings for her.

so i was wrong for GETTING such deep feelings for her.

yeah a LITTLE bit.  i dont think it was wrong to get SOME feelings for somebody after you really got to know and trust them.

but to go for months and months continuing to fall deeper and deeper in luv, that was my mistake. make an effort not to luv them more than they luv you. i should have said at the BEGINNING of it all,


Uh Oh. i think im starting to get feelings for you. we need to discuss this NOW, because if we dont, its just gonna get worse and worse and destroy my life. so what do you think. could you ever like me too.

well for woman2012 i got feelings for her (a little too quickly) and the feelings continued for 3 fookng YEARS before she caught on and i told her.  and i did not go crazy and have a meltdown after 10 months hahahaha.

well that was partially because the stress level in my life was much much much much lower. my job was much less stressful. i was not so anxious, moreso just lazy and despairing.

so yeah i guess it CAN go on forever if you dont have a lot of stress in your life. but really i was not happy about wasting those 3 years. i would MUCH rather “waste” ten months than 3 years.

also i was much closer and friendlier with w15 than w12. so i probably had deeper feels/luv for w15 than w12. and i had pretty legit feels for w12!!!!

so uhhhhh lesson learned, if you have a LOT of stress in you life because of your stupid job, and now you are starting to stress out about your female friend who works at that job too……you will have a damn nervous breakdown after 10 months hahahahahahaha so blurt it out in the first 3 months.

it was two very stresful situations colliding!!! worlds collide! worlds of horrible anxious stress!

so yeah i was stupid for falling too deep in luv too fast. a SMALL CRUSH would have been acceptable. but to fall HARD in LUV was TOO MUCH.

and i was stupid for not telling her earlier.

but no i just bottled it up and got desperate. and i let myself continue to be anxious and desperate when i could have just blurted the shit out right then and there. becuase i was that much of a coward.

and she was a coward too. and yes she did overreact considering my “Crime.” GOD help me if i ever think she didnt overreact. i fight that feel every day. oh god it was all my fault, she didnt overreact, she treated me like i deserved for being a damn horrible coward and weirdo and horrible weak loser.




yeah she had this woe is me, im a poor victim mentality which probably wasnt good. makes white knights want to swoop in and help her and she can reject them and blame them because shes the defensive victim hahaha. but she honestly had horrible things happen in her life so it was kinda justified. but i dont think she was Raeped or Molested suprisingly enough, and that might have been the final straw for me, becuase girls that had been raeped/molested are often SO batshit crazy, and promiscuous, and she didnt have that. her family was good to her, there was just some people dying in tragic ways that she had a hard time gettnig over. but maybe it was healthy grief and she was just honoring their memories.

well i can think of someone else where she could have honored their memory for the good years had. hahahaha.

the same broken record its always gonna be.

why’d she do this?

because she wanted to be done and this was the easy way out. easier than having The Final Talk.

how could she do this to someone who was once her special friend? because she didnt see me as her special friend anymore. that was over. so therefore i wasnt gonna get any respect or mercy or kindness.

so what if that phase is over. respect what once was. i know shes still the same person i was friends with, then feel in luv with, then she became a royal B. but was still the same person, but people change, but they can still get back to their Good Old Selves cant they?

in other words this is where the unanswered questions come in. like yeah she can decide im no longer her friend, but i think she should have still recognized What We Had, and shown consideration for that when Ending The Rel. that that would have persuaded her to NOT take the easy way out, that that would have made the easy way out seem blatantly WRONG, whcih i think it was!!!!!

so thats why i am always harping on her “showing the relationship the respect it deserves” etc. so why didnt she? becuase she didnt like me that way, she was annoyed with me, and she wanted the easy way out.

yeah it just hurts hahahaha. feel the feelings. i thought she would be convinced to NOT take the easy way out, because even though things were bad now, she would remember how good they were in the past. did those times ever matter? i think they did. but…when did she forget them? i will never know. maybe she didnt forget them, but Easy Way Out is a TEMPTING, POWERFUL thing.

in a way i did the same thing, by just quitting muh job. i just shut down and couldnt do it any more. also things would have gotten ugly as fook. i do not deal with the Rejector well afterwards hahahaha.

shit. anyway. i guess i am angry that she didnt find out Friendship special enough to treat me like a human being, that this wouldnt outweigh easy way out. never underestimate easy way out though.

well, is she the type of person more likely to Run Away, or to Face Conflict Head On?

to ask the question is to answer it hahahaha.

so it really is consistent with her personality in a way.

its very disappointing tho.

but i dont need to come up with elaborate rationalizations to be disappointed, because…..

its very valid and reasonable to be very disappointed when someone you LOVE DUMPS you! period! and then even moreso when they dump you in a Bad way compared to a good way! the end!

hehehe i should have been a Geography Major hahahaha when i am angry and emotional i just look at google maps and geek out for 15 minutes at least.

so how can we work Engineering into that. Always try to work Engineering into your College Major choice hahaha.

Relationship Psychology Engineering.

“neuropsychology engineering”, engineering psych drugs, biomedical, etc would be good choices for my interest.

as far as the maps? geospatial engineering? civil engineering? yeah thats prob in a nearby ballpark.

but i have never been super interested in science or tech or engineering!

i look at the map and think well whats the history of this country, how did it get this border, what ethnic groups live here, who has controlled this area, is this place a shithole, etc.

or you learn shit, like the “west bank” area of “palestine” is HUGE, its practically as big as the “regular” part of israel, and famous cities like bethlehem and jericho are in the “west bank.” and it goes right the fook up to jerusalem, which is divided into east and west, and a lot of the super historical stuff like western wall, mount of olives, calvary etc are in a more “palestinian” than “jewish” part of jerusalem? why isnt there more terror attacks in jerusalem against the zionist oppressors hahahaha. you would think jerusalem would be a constant war zone right now as we speak.

or weird islands in the middle of the ocean like the azores. how far are the azores from bermuda. what is the most civilized first world country closet to the equator, becuase i want to live somewhere warm but not in a third world shithole, or the damn cannibal rainforest, or the arabian desert, or the african desert hahahahaha.

or places where three countries come together. for example, poland, czech, and germany. i mean 3 countries have a “TRIPOINT” in MANY places throughout the world, not a big deal really, but i still enjoy some of them.

or did you know indonesia was a member of OPEC until 2008 or so.

or the island of Borneo has Malaysia, brunei, and indonesia on it. a section of malaysia that is quite separated from “mainland” malaysia.

or why does libya have oil but egypt doesnt. or why are there no big cities in the sinai peninsula. is it because its a total fooking desert? and its stupid to have a big city in the desert?

or where is macau in relation to hong kong. or where does the philipines and japan begin.

or india is shaped REALLY weird on its eastern side.

or kazakhstan is so ridiculously big and how does it not have oil or some sort of natural resources.

or that the bering strait is not that big and there is an american island right in the middle of it that is only like 20 miles from russia so technically the us and russia are “neighbors.”

so yeah i have a genuine interest and curiousity in maps, one of my most normalfag qualities. wish i had realized this earlier and used it to make a career when i was young. although i always liked loking at the globe and maps when i was a small child. but we didnt have google maps and also i was too lazy to spend much time with the bigass world atlas books in the liberry.

wow i am watching the bbc world news channel and it is leftist as fook, even moreso than msnbc, but it makes me feel smart and informed more than any american news channel hahahaha. real smug asshole. cuz it talks about world news and i am interested in the whole world. but not in a global way hahahaha. i am anti-global. i am A NATIONALIST. we should close our damn borders and manufacture our own shit hahaha.

ANYWAY, i dont need to EXPLAIN why i am VERY UPSET about being dumped. it doesnt NEED that many mental gymnastics.

but its just AMAZING how LONG it takes to STOP LOVING the person. even though you KNOW its done, you KNOW they arent coming back, you KNOW they dont Luv you, you KNOW its stupid and can never be fixed. you still luv them and want them back. you still think about them ALL THE TIME even though you havent SEEN them or talked to them in MONTHS. you still love them more than some Rando. even thoguh you are done with them and havent seen them in months.

shit if i am still hung up on them and i havent seen them (her), how they hell could i work wth her 8 hours a day.

hahaha i should read return of kings more. i went back here to read matt forneys explosive girls with tattoos article

and its just filled with good reads about how slutty and stupid Almost All Women Are hahahahaha

” Face it: the vast majority of girls are as hollow as a drum. The three or four surplus IQ points that college-educated girls have are wasted on them, because all they’re used for is rationalizing a life of mindless consumption and sluttiness. If the modern West is a cesspool, girls are its most devoted coprophages, gulping down runny diarrhea by the bucketload with forced smiles on their faces. ”

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i think i just fell in luv with matt forney

(not forney hahaha)

so i was begging to be treated like a human being and when i didnt get it, i worried about how it was all my fault, blaming myself? COME ON. dont be RIDICULOUS. this is treating her like an INFANT. of course many women are emotional infants, but they dont HAVE to be. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

she could have chosen to be respectful to me.

oh it was because i didnt have good RELATIONSHIP GAME. because i started to show weakness and vulnerability. so, all my fault.

well fook you. i think a good woman will stand by her man when times are tough. i mean they DONT, but they should. because i am assuming women are LOYAL and TRUSTWORHTY like men are. but they jsut dont have it in them! they are MERCENARIES!

i figured out women will have babies with Bad Deadbeats even though the risk is so big, because Teenagers both men and women are horny as fook and that clouds their brain. an 18 year old girl or boy are both horny as hell and will fook deadbeats. and nature is priming humans to be horny as hell shortly after puberty, so they can REPRODUCE YOUNG. and when you are YOUNG, your hormones are RAGING and you cant think straight, especially for long term mates. you dont think straight  until age 25 but ideally by then the woman already has 5 kids!

so that sounds a bit r selected then?

bbbbut the woman needs a resource provider while she is pregnant all the time! so who does that? the husband? the husbands family? the wifes family? cuz theoretically the woman can fall back on her family to help if the father is a deadbeat. well this certainly is the case i think with many single mothers.

anyway i was just wondering how woman could be so easily fooled into having long term babies with short term men. because they are so damn horned up with the hormones of adolescence to understand the implications of being a woman and having babies. becuase essentially humans are optimized to start having children YOUNG, at like age 16 or 17. we have Old Brains that are not optimized to the modern world we live in.

so thats why women are so gullible and have babies with ANYONE. cuz Horny Hormones at age 17 make you do stupid things, unless you are damn physically restrained by your family.

so i tried thinking of the last time i was super annoyed by somebody, to try to image what my damn female ex friend was thinking. obviously an exercise in futility that hahahaha. most people that ANNOY me are just random strangers being obnoxious and stupid. not anyone who’s CLOSE to me like a friend.

the closest thing is a friend who annoys me in the sense that he consistently disappoints me with his stupid drinking. so i distance myself from him. but i always go hang out with him when he calls me. cuz i dont want to write him off entirely. i always give him another chance. then i visit him and he is drinking and its disappointing, annoying, frustrating. this guy is a Problem Drinker ok, not a social drinker drinking moderately. drinking will obviously Ruin His Life and everybody that cares abotu him wants him to stop drinking like an idiot.

also i am not in love with him hahahaha.

but he annoys me with this so i am distant from him. but i know deep down hes a good guy and that he could stop drinking if he wanted and we get along a lot better when he is not drinking.

i dont want to have a Serious Talk with him about his Drinking because it just wont help. but i am not giving him the Silent Treatment. when he calls me i answer and go hang out with him. just not as regularly as we once did. and i talk to him. and if he wanted to have a serious talk with me i would.

however i have tried to assert myself by saying “dont drink while I’m here. I cant control what you do when i’m not here, but just do me a god damn favor because i’m asking you, dont drink in front of ME.”

but he still finds other ways to annoy me and Push My Boundaries. like i have to blow into his damn car ignition lock because he was drinking before i came over. or buying booze to drink when i leave. come on.

but like i say. thats a different kind of relationship. i have know this guy for 15+ years, i am not in love with him, we have had our ups and downs.

well ok. what if he were begging me to please just hang out and communicate. i would say ok lets do that!

besides. ok so he is the symbol of me. but what he’s doing is a lot worse!!!! him throwing his damn life away on booze is a lot worse than me saying “please baby lets hang out and try to save our rel”.

so yeah in other words i SHOULDNT BE BLAMING MYSELF. AT ALL.

i wasnt perfect but guess what neither was she, she was WAY WORSE. 60 40. hahaha. more like 70 30. nobodys fooking perfect. and maybe women are terrible at loyalty , but i say bullshit. thats NO EXCUSE. i will not let women GET AWAY with that. well women are allowed to treat you like shit, just because women aren’t loyal. fook that shit. learn to be loyal bitch hahahaha.

bbbbut i deserved this, becuase in her mind, I had already betrayed and ended the friendship the moment i got feelings.

heh i addressed this point in an email to her which got no response.

it changes the relationship sure, but its not a BETRAYAL. you need to communicate about it. it doesnt make the person who got the feelings a bad person.

its amazing how much time and energy ive spent trying to convince myself that i didnt deserve this, that im not a horrible person.

well when someone you love treats you like a horrible person, you start to think youre a damn horrible person! but im not! what she did is a lot more horrible than anything i did! fook!

and i make EXCUSES FOR HER, and i make excuses as to why yes i AM a horrible person wholly to blame!

well i do that because i LOVE her and this is what LOVE makes you do. crazy, self-destructive shit. in a healthy rel, it becomes a somewhat more healthy sense of Being Willing To Make Sacrifices For The Person You Love. which can obviously be taken advantage of.

anyway yeah i am starting to think more logically, or at least i can see the logical continent ahead of me on the horizon as i gradually sail towards it. i know what the logical position is. namely, i didnt deserve this. i was wronged.

i need to beat this point into my thick skull. honestly its taken a very long time.

so i wasnt alpha enough and didnt play my relationship game well enough. she could have still been nicer, more gentle. when you DUMP someone, dump them gently. its just the right thing to do when you DUMP somebody.

bbbbbbut she never wanted to date , therefore she never ASKED to be in the position to DUMP me, therefore she doesnt have to be nice about it.

see how i refuse to take my own side? and always take hers?

that is again the love for her, and the lack of love for myself, and the Bad Boundaries. but love kind of muddies the boundaries anyway. i think that’s normal for love to do. kinda like how its NORMAL to put the p on a pedestal, thats kidna what luv IS.

but this is exactly why you confess the love EARLY, so the boundaries dont get too screwed up before you find out the other person doesnt love YOU.

so i would say its normal, right, and natural for LOVE to erode your boundaries, make you ptu the other person on a pedestal, make sacrifices for them, be loyal to them, etc etc.

this makes mutual luv VERY good, but it makes one sided luv VERY painful. but thats what makes luv powerful. makes it such a powerful connection. its not INHERENTLY bad. but it can often be bad if you, like me, get into stupid one sided unrequited luv situations. fook that shit.

thats why its better to blurt it out EARLY. it saves YOU a lot of pain. be selfish. love your self. spare yourself a LOT of pain!!!!




shit. i cant believe it. i cant handle this. the woman i liked the MOST, above all others, and this wasnt a snap judgment, it was after Knowing her for two years, turns out to be a huge disappointment.

i alternate between kinda sorta starting to 5% get over it, back to 0% bad as i ever was. migth be because her birthday is coming up. that is not gonna be fun. but when did she remember MY birthday? NEVER.

i just hate how they can make YOU the bad guy even when THEY are the bad guy. So it makes sense, that’s exactly WHY they make you the bad guy.

my world world is shattered though. cuz most women give you warning signs right away. i didnt really get any warning signs from her. well, not until about 1 year ago when she starting dating a sleazebag guy very soon after the end of a long term rel. that was the first time i was really surprised. and i guess things didnt really get better after that. that ended badly, i guess she could have started slutting it up, but she didn’t, she was just cold as ice to me, she may well get around to slutting it up in the near future though. stupid.

i cant believe it. it went so wrong it is ridiculous. everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

i guess i could have stuck around the job and then confronted her in person. said “we have to talk NOW.” then she probably would have said “get away from me, i dont want to talk to you” or “theres nothing to talk about, stay away from me, we’re done” or something like that. and i wouldnt have handled that all too well either!

i am just kinda butthurt about the job though too.

i thought about going back but obviously she is gonna be trouble for me. i know we would not “figure things out.” she would continue to be cold to me and i would get angry seeing her being nice and making friends with everybody else, knowing we had been friends before.

she thinks I threw the friendship away because I got feelings, I think SHE threw the friendship away because she refused to communicate at all. whatsoever. and I think my analysis is more correct.

however she thinks I am 100% to blame. maybe. I am not so immature that i can say i am blameless.  i was too pushy and not direct enough. but I am only maximum 40% blame.

fook. i mean yeah this is really dead horse beating shit now.

oh well. i guess better to learn a shitty lesson than nothing. like she learned. she learned nothing. shes gonna continue being a horrible communicator and choosing horrible men. it is a MIRACLE she does not have any babies yet. I’m sure she will soon if she continues down this path. single mother having babies with deadbeat scumbags, or just having short term rels with a bunch of deadbeat scumbags and be incapable of ever having a long term rel like she did when she was YOUNG, when i first met her. i actually wanted her to figure shit out with that guy. however it sounds like HE was too stubborn. she wanted to fix it, he didn’t, he dumped HER. which may be another reason why i was so surprised that she didnt even TRY to fix things with me. she just dumped me in the worst possible way. i mean thats HORRIBLE karma for her.

because its good karma for me to rejoice about her horrible karma hahahaha.

hey i am devastated here, my life is completely destroyed. this wasnt just true luv, it was my Career.

but maybe i subconsciously did that to Sabotage myself, and to make her My Worst Nemesis Ever, so I’d be able to Blame Her for Ruining My Life. hahahahaha.

well i repeat. i would have not quit the job if ANY of the following were true:

  1. it were an easier job
  2. it were a senior level, non entry level job
  3. if it were not the shittiest stupidest most stressful job ever
  4. if there were different rooms and we could have worked in different rooms

so i kinda wanted to leave and she gave me an excuse to leave even sooner. i was thinking about leaving in december anyway with no job lined up!

i was also thinking she would contact me and be like is everything all right? whyd you leave the job? i hope your anxiety gets better and you can come back! Let’s COMMUNICATE about our problems so theres no awkwardness when you come back, because i want you to come back!

nope, nothing of the sort. i obviously am such a piece of shit i dont deserve to be communicated with. like the guy who CHEATED on her!

but i thought you could have secs with whoever you want whenever you want! thats what a relationship is!

well, if i had ever BEEN in a relationship, I would know that people in a relationship COMMUNICATE and have CONVERSATIONS like “how serious are we? where is this going? is this an exclusive relationship? am i allowed to cheat? are you? what do you want out of this rel? what are we?”

HA she almost certainly communicated with the CHEATER better than she communicated with me. and she got upset and heartbroken when he didnt respond to her cuz he was too busy cheating.

well shes prob fookin “other” guys but its not cheating because she wouldnt even give me the time of day.

but i am very disappointed because she sure USED to give me the time of day, and i honestly had not had that Good of a Friendship with a Woman since like 2006. that was important to me even and i am very sad to lose it. i expressed this to her in email4, and i guess somewhat in emails1 and 3, but especially 4. but she prob never read them.

thats the other thing. i know i sent her chats like “im afraid of losing you” or something like that, indicated i was worried about the State of Our Relationship. she might sometimes respond to the messages but she NEVER responded to the most important thing in the message. it was as if she completely missed the most important part of the message. like when i tried to communicate with her, she would just NOT SEE IT, or skip over the most important parts, because i wrote too much and she just wanted to skim over it.

well shit yeah i write a lot but i would have read everything she wrote.

i just cant believe she would throw me away like that as if our 2 years of friendship meant NOTHING. i kinda expressed this point in a nicer way in email4, which she prob never read.



believe it. it obviously happened.

the next question is perhaps a bit more productive, actually NONE of these questions are productive AT ALL:


who knows. we will never know. because they didnt luv you as much as you luved them. in fact, they didnt even LIKE you, in fact they had lost all respect for you, while your feelings for them were as strong as ever.

basically she treated me like i was a Random Harrasser, and as soon as i became The Harrasser, that canceled everything before it out, so she can do what shes doing with NO REMORSE. because im the bad guy for harassing her.

basically the turning point was when we both went to an event that we knew both of us would be at. since it was a bit of a drive i was pushing her that we should drive together. she said i dunno ill let you know. i should have been able to read the signal but times like this you dont WANT to read the signal. this is why i would have preferred a TALK, rather than god damn SIGNALS. fook signals.

anyway she never let me know and just went out there seperately. i was like ok, thinking thats kinda disappointing. when i got out there i texted and called her but no response, she had turned her phone off to either save battery or block me. see i just didnt think she hated me that much. i didnt think she viewed me as A Harasser, just as a Friend where we were having a little trouble. I would hoping this super fun event would help bring us together, a big fun event on a shared, special interest. no it did not work.

it was a big event so its almost more likely NOT to bump into someone you know there because there are literally thousands of people.

however i thought it was stupid that we should both be there but not meet up. i figured we were still friends at least, not a harasser/victim relationship, so if we are both at this big fun event, we should obv meet up, but the event is so large, it can be hard to meet up if someone is avoiding your texts.

i walked around a little bit once i got in. at that time i was not obsessed with Finding Her and Stalking Her, I just figured I’d do a casual walk around the venue and see if i saw anyone. I saw her within like 15 minutes. i said hello and things were immediately weird. i walked away because of the huge weirdness and just treated it like you saw someone you vaguely knew but never talked to and were def not friends with. got real nervous.

then 3 minutes later i said this is fooking STUPID, now we both know where each other is, im just gonna go back over there and play it cool.

ideally she would have come over to me and said something reassuring hahahaha.

i went back over there and played it remarkably cool and got so much coldness and weirdness from her.

well it was my fault because i didnt ask “is this ok? i can go away if you want to.” actually i think i hinted at it cuz it seemed really awkward to actually ask the question.

i thought things smoothed out a little bit over the course of the event. it was the first time i had met her outside of work in 10 months. but i could not have The Talk at this place unfortunately because it was a very public event, it was very loud, there were tons of people, it was loud and honestly no better a place for a heart to heart long talk, than work would be a suitable environment for such a thing. ie not at all!

but yeah she treated me like a creepy stalker harasser and i felt that was out of line because i didnt feel i was stalking her! in the past we had gone to events like this together, like drove together. i was the one who let her now about the event and she said oh cool i will get tickets for me. i was hoping she would say immediately something like lets make plans or lets go together. but NOoOoOoOoO, and that was just another signal of distancing i should have read.

i even waffled on getting my tickets because i figured very RIGHTLY that it would be awkward as fook. but at the last minute i decided to go, because i honestly didnt want to miss the sweet event! so i told her yeah im going now and she said cool. but i dont really think she thought it was cool hahahahaha.

she could have said cool wanna come with me? but no, i had to ask her and she said i dunno.

we really have completely different communication styles. I am way more DIRECT than her and she avoids and avoids and is noncommittal and unclear and in many cases defaulted to a kind of polite answer, which implied maybe, theres a chance, when she really meant NO, O GOD NO.  so that is kind of a mixed message when i am supposed to read Maybe as Definitely NO, especially when we had a Decent Rel in the past, and she LIKED hanging out with me, and WANTED to hang out with me. so i honestly thought Maybe meant Maybe.

but that event was the last time we talked and immed after that she pulled the plug entirely. SHUNNED me.

i watched a stupid program on jehovahs witnesses and how they “disfellowship” people and completely SHUN them, which a shrink described as “psychological torture.” I agreed that Shunning was uniquely painful. Shunning is another good word to describe this feel.

i have never been SHUNNED before. like i say the closest thing to this in my life would be when i got into a Feud with my college roomate and we cold shouldered and shunned each other, he started it of course.

but that was almost BETTER because i wasnt in LOVE with him! it didnt BREAK MY HEART, it just made me ragingly ANGRY and hateful, but not heartbroken!

so she thinks she is right to shun me, because i am a creepy harasser stalker who should have never looked for her at that event.

indeed in hindsight i wish i hadn’t! because of how shitty everything happened after that! i wish i hadnt even gone! but i honestly did want to go to this event. ok it was a concert of somebody we both really like and i have never seen them before and they are getting kind of old. it was a great concert and i am glad to get that off my bucket list. but it is also very bittersweet because it did not bring me and her closer together like i hoped it would, but indeed drove the final nail in the coffin.

ideally i will go to see him again by MYSELF or with a REAL friend so I can have a Do Over and experience the joy of seeing him WITHOUT the pain of HER.

but yeah i afterwards i texted her, sorry for being weird, i wasnt really stalking you you know, i was just walking around and i saw you. which was partially true. i was there like 1 hour before the main event with nothing to do, i wasnt gonna drink 10 dollar drinks or socialize with the degenerate burnout fans getting super drunk. i was just gonna walk around and people watch.

anyway i was fishing for “oh no you werent weird, if anything i was a little weird” but she did not respond to the idea of weirdness or stalking, she just said i had a good time, good night, and that was the very last we ever spoke.

so that’s HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME. because she didnt view me as a friend any more, she just viewed me as a Weird Harasser and potentially Weird Creeper Stalker. and those people DESERVE To be Ghosted and Shunned and Avoided Without Explanation.

I am just butthurt that she could downgrade me from Good Real Friend, to Weird Creepy Stalker, and never communicate to me about it!!!!!



posting day might be halloween, now all the young women can add another secs partner to their numbers. good job whores. way to profane everything sacred. sex, relationships, human life. if you want to destroy a culture, you destroy its women and make them into maneating monsters.

i cant even say she did this because she is showing her true colors as a horrible person. i fooking wish she WERE a horrible person, because it would allow me to make sense of this, and say, “reap what you sow.” but she will prob continue being a saint to everyone and i will be the One Solitary Skeleton in her closet. and i have no reason to Warn OTher Men about her, because she will probably make a Nice Wife to some Lucky Man.

that or this even will start off years of running and avoiding and lying and this will be the beginning of her downfall as she finally crosses the rubicon into a life of whorish dissolution!

we do have one mutual friend, who if they see her ever again, might ask about me, and then what would she say? probably “Oh he got all creepy and began acting really really weird to me and i didnt feel comfortable any more, so i just had to cut him out of my life. it was for my own good.” and then make me the total bad guy.

it sucks when just wanting to talk about a problem in your Relationship makes YOU the creepy weird psycho where the person is right to Ghost you!

You WANT Communication? you cant HANDLE Communication!

well see it was because i was pushing the wrong way, for the wrong type of communication. after several months, i should have stopped asking her to hang out, because i was the bad guy for not Respecting her wishes to hang out, and at THAT point, wrote a damn email or phone call.

in the old days, they would have done a phone call or a Postal Letter.

I just thought she thought more of me as a person than that! had more respect for me! she used to have respect for me!

yeah well respect is earned not given out. so as soon as i stopped earning it, she stopped giving it.

hahahahahaha secsless loveless relationships with women are such hard work, they are just not worth it hahaha.

i didnt realize i had stopped earning it! but i stopped earning it the moment i broadcasted that things had changed, the moment i began texting her a little bit more.

before The Change i would not text her a lot and she would often text me first.

after the change I began texting her a lot more regularly.

i figure my texting was the number one most obvious signal on my part. you dont start texting somebody this much more unless you Like Like them.

it wasnt 9000000000000 times a day, but it was a noticeable difference from what it was. i noticed it, she noticed it. more texting, more invitations to hang out. pretty noticeable signal.

so i guess after a few months of that i got more and more impatient and she began losing respect and that made it possible for her to flush me away like a piece of shit.

i thought she had more of a CONSCIENCE than that!

i VETTED her! she passed my tests! over years! i knew and trusted her! i expected so much more out of her! if she was a piece of shit like so many women i would have just not Gotten Involved with her at all! but she was DIFFERENT! Not All Women Are Like That! Some Are Different!

well found a nice 3.2 mile route i can walkjog, and found a nice little new park in there that i had never been to. 1.6 miles from my house in a neighborhood. it was small but had some nice trees and little trails and once you got in it was a lot bigger than it seemed.

damn. i just thought she would have treated me better given our history, which IMHO warranted at least a conversation of sorts, rather than a permanent cold shoulder. this is not the work of a trustworthy person. next thing you know she will graduate onto cheating.

50% of people graduate to cheating. i never did ahahaha. prob because i was never in a real rel ahahaha.

ask the average man whats the worst thing you ever did to a woman. he failed to do one thing perfect and was dumped coldly for doing one thing only 99% correct. failed to live 100% up to a womans ridiculous standards and was dumped/cheated on in favor of a socipathic cheater. well i guess a sociopathic cheater WOULD be a better MATCH for a WOMAN!

ask the average woman whats the worst thing she ever did to a man. she has secs with 900000 other guys including him, cucks him, makes him raise another mans child, cheats on him with his best friend, ruins his life, breaks his heart, reduces him to a broken shell. completely changes overnight and does a total 180 from a decent person into a horrible person. mind boggling evil that boggles your mind that a Human Being can be capable of such evil; makes you question if Women are indeed Human Beings. they do such awful things that make you never trust women again, make you very suspicious of any woman. even the good ones do very very very bad things.

im saying that women are worse to men, on average, than men are to women.

weird. i have have had shittier women End Things in a better way with me, than a Decent Woman.

why does it even matter if shes a decent woman or not, if she ended it in a shitty way, and i will never talk to her again? because she is gonna go be Decent with other people but not me?

definitely i get DABD all at once, but i am feeling notable anger now!

is it bargaining if you’re not bargaining WITH them?

well yeah because this is meant for people who died. like you bargain with GOD to bring your loved ones back to life.

also you cant get ANGRY at someone dying. although i know many people do.


i am super nervous about making a damn phone call about a damn medical bill question where i believe i was charged twice what i expected. and i dont know if it is a just some kind of error, or if they scammed me with confusing bait and switch shit and i signed up without fully understanding. oh its not a 50% discount for people with no insurance, its you just pay 50% now and then 50% a month later when we bill you.

because i worry they wont understand my question; and that i wont be able to articulate my question; and that i wont understand their explanation; adn that i wont be able to stand up for my rights; and that i am perfect for getting scammed; and that i will sound like an asshole; and that when we used to take phone calls noone knew what they were doing and would just bullshit all day; so therefore when you call ANYONE with a question, they dont know what theyre doing and are bullshitting you; and you cant talk to Smart Person because in OUR job we wouldnt LET you talk to a smart person; and us dumb people resented the smart people for not training us properly and making us look like idiots all day, struggling to do things we dont know how to do, giving the worst bullshit explanations or just saying i dont know and i cant find out for you because i dont understand the shit and this particular thing there is no explanation for, but One Does Not Simply Talk To Someone Who Actually Understands Things. Can I talk to a manager? Hhahahahahahahaha absolutely not. first of all you dont really mean manager because they just manage and dont know how to do shit. but the person you really need to talk to, the person who really understands stuff, or who at least can bullshit better, theres not enough of them. its like expecting to talk to the president. or ceo of a company. we are the gatekeepers to keep you AWAY from them.

i would probably appreciate it if they were more forthcoming about us being Gatekeepers, and gave us Direct Training on How To Be An Effective Gatekeeper. but you had to figure all that out on your own.

and talking to somebody who actually understands is the hardest thing in the world. because there is such a low supply of people who actually understand the issues and the people whose jobs it is, to Explain Things They Dont Really Understand, understandably say Fook This Shit, and quit! only to be replaced by other people who dont understand, and so on and so forth, so the only people who stick around are those who learn to Bullshit.

I was better at the job when i had more confidence. you need a lot of confidence to bullshit all day. and when shit went bad with the woman, who was there working with me, confidence fell to an all time low.

stupid to have confidence so dependent on women. women who can do a 180 overnight. go from being a long term friend, to being a total stranger you never knew. overnight. hahahaha.

no it wasnt really overnight, it was a process that occured over 10 months, it just felt like overnight because there was no real communication, so it was easy for me to Not See the gradual distancing.

i didnt think things were THAT BAD, and i thought we would eventually figure shit out. i dont see that as denial on my part, rather i was just flat out mistaken. i was reading the situation wrong. i wasnt reading it right, then denying it. i was just mistaken. SORELY mistaken. which was (mis)guided by my optimism, or, more accurately, the idea that a negative outcome would be unimaginable. and it was. it was the worst thing ever!

but secure normalfags dont get dumped and then their life falls apart. they manage to carry on.

well i am not a secure normalfag obviously!

also i would say that in at LEAST 50% of Severe Dumpings, the people do NOT work together. that was really the crux of the whole situation there.

or if they do, its like a restaurant where people only last 6 months tops, with some blatant whore waitress.

where here, people would linger 2 or 3 years in the entry level job, well, 50% of them, and the other 50% would quit or get fired within like 3 months!

also she was not a blatant crazy whore waitress, and i thought our relationship Meant Something because we had known each other for almost 3 years.

well it meant something to me, and it meant nothing to her.

well thats not even true. it USED to mean something to her, and maybe it still does, but she was too Something to talk about it. scared, angry, annoyed, immature, cowardly?

but it was all my fault because i didnt know how to communicate properly.

fook that! you think SHE knew how to communicate properly?!?!?!?! absolutely not! for that reason it is 60 40 fault at least. the 60 on her hahahaha. i clearly wanted to communicate and she didnt even WANT to communicate.


aug 6

shit. this week i am just jogging and writing.

we put too high a premium on reason and rationality and science and intelligence.

that IS kinda blasphemous to say, because this is the very thing that separates us from the filthy animals. it makes us human.

well, i would argue that Morality makes us human as well. now is morality both emotional and intellectual, or just intellectual only?

anyway. dont want to get off on tangent.

sex is different for men and women because women have a uterus and can get pregnant.

sex can NEVER be separated from reproduction no matter how much contraception we try. that is WHY we want sex and heterosexual companionship so much, it is the driving force behind human reproduction. the reproduction of our species. makin babbys. its all so beautifully connected, and you cant tear it apart no matter how hard you try.

thats why men want pvssy so much. because the pvssy is really just the gateway to the uterus.

now this doesnt mean that men want to have 900000000 children and take care of them. but they maybe want to have 3 children and take care of them! Or have 3 children and abandon them like a deadbeat. it depends on the situation.

situational awareness. talk about that in your next interview. be like, i can read situations, and read people.  also im married with children, i can handle anything people can throw at me. i can give as good as i can get.

yeah still desperate. still want to email the female. more accurately, i want HER to email me, respond to ME, like i told her so desperately, please respond. its really for the sense of closure than anything else. closure is a gay word, how about Finality. Definitiveness. Decisiveness. Clearness. Unambiguity. Certainty. this will help you Accept the reality that this door is closed and you must find another door. the end of one chapter, the beginning of another. tying up the loose ends. not leaving any unfinished business. equalizing the scales. getting the balance sheet to zero. good karma. whatever you want to call it. i did not get it hahahahaha.

rejections with closure, vs rejections with no closure. rejections with closure are usually the better rejections. easier to handle.

rejections from shitty people with no closure, vs rejections from good people with no closure. she is a good person not a shitty person, but she gave me no closure, and i cant even blame it on her being a shitty person. just a good person doing a kinda shitty thing to me, because i freaked and weirded her out. anyway a no closure rejection form a good person is IMHO the worst kind of rejection. because you feel just left hanging and abandoned, and you can’t blame it on them being a horrible person.

rumination ruination hahahaha.

maybe a woman chooses horrible men, but she is genuinely in love with those men and wants…… i dunno. my point is, women who say its just sex. my response is, women can never say its just sex because sex is different for men and women, because for women they can get pregnant. the consequences are much more severe. this ive repeated 900000000 times and its worth repeating every time.

so if a woman acts like that, that might indeed be a reliable sign that she would be a horrible mother, because she doesn’t respect, understand, or appreciate the power of her own body to make babies, and would probably not think twice about Aborting her Babbys.

Now i think Abortion is not a FUN experience for any woman. And certainly most women have had at least One Abortion, right? i dunno i think i looked that up once hahahaha. no i think theres plenty of women who have never had even one. That would be my ideal woman hahahaha.

but i think the more important thing is, did they have one abortion, say i never want to go through that again, OR, do they get like 10 abortions a year? if they do that latter business, that would be a sign to me they would not be a good mother. because they kill 10 of their children a year hahahahahaha. but its not a child its not even a baby its not even a fetus, its an undeveloped embryo AT BEST hahahaha.

i need to watch more debates between anti-abortion men and pro-abortion women obviously hahahaha.

dont tell me what i can and cant do with my body! my body my choice! dont legislate and criminalize my body!

and then of course like half of abortions are done on women who already have children, they just dont want any MORE at that time. doesnt mean they would necessarily be a horrible mother to their existing child. damn.

well i guess what i’m saying is that one thing i liked about the woman was that she did not like sluts or slutty behavior and seemed a bit of a prude. i always liked this quality in women. what it tells me is that this woman appreciates her own power to get pregnant, and will not go out having sex willy nilly like a slut, and will only have sex within a committed, monogamous, long term relationship, and not with a lot of men, and……. i agree completely with all that! and it all comes back to the power to get pregnant, and really the woman’s acceptance, understanding, and appreciation of this FACT. many women do not appreciate this fact because they say oh wel contraception and abortion exist, i dont have to get pregnant if i dont want to, and if i do, i can always “TAKE CARE” of it.

This is missing the point entirely IMHO. Contraception and abortion are related, but not really relevant to my point: women can get pregnant, men can’t. sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive. eggs are literally BILLIONS of times more expensive than sperm. a man just dumps a load then runs off in the night. the woman gets 9 months of pregnancy and a baby to take care of the rest of her life. how can you not, as a woman especially, understand this? because everyone tells you if it feels good do it, and sex is empowering and always good as long as its consensual and safe. those are the only two things that matter about sex for women.  this is all part of the cultural revolution since the 60s and shit. cultural marxism, feminism, it has trickled down over the decades, and it’s had very real and devastating effects on the minds of youth, who have themselves become adults and had children of their own.

so yeah i guess i would dump a casual load in a woman if she were willing because im a man and i can get away with it. especially if i were horny and there were a willing attractive woman, not that i’ve ever experienced much of that! but hypothetically. all abotu the hypotheticals.

i thought we were closer! i deserve to be treated liek a human being even if i did scare her with my weirdness! waah waaah! my weirdness wasnt weird, it was just True Love that was building up tension!

i mean it really was. i was ready to full blown mongamously long term date this woman! and that is not an every day occurrance!  i had deep feels for her, wanted to Span Time with her, wanted to go on a Weekend Getaway with her.

thats one thing i have a particular yearning for, to go on a mini vacation with a Beloved Woman for a few days, nothing fancy, just like get a cottage near the beach for a few days in the summer, or Road Trip, or something like that. then have mad secs in hotel rooms or cottages or sleeping bags every night.

never got to experience that, was really hoping this woman would be the first hahaha.

so men dont get to have an opinion on abortion because men cant get pregnant. but i didnt think women could get pregnant either, because they dont have to get pregnant if they dont want to hahahahahaha. anyway my fear is that one day i get a woman pregnant and then she has an abortion, i would feel horrible about that, would lose sleep at night, might not even be able to do my job, quit my job, etc. become severely guilt ridden and derpressed, not be able to handle life, etc.

especially if i agreed to that Difficult Decision because I knew i could not take care of a child right now! i guess it would be a lot easier if i were like hurrr durrrr i cant make this decision, then the woman goes and does it, then i would “be able to” blame it on her, like you killed my child you MURDERESS!!!!!! Evil Murderess!!!!! Even though I could probably be pressured into murdering my own child anyway!

so yeah this insane Moral Choice of Abortion makes me want to stay away from women altogether. the only force that can overcome this? you guessed it, true luv. with that woman i would gladly have secs with her every day and risk this moral dilemma.

would it be easier if you didnt Luv the woman but were having Just Secs? and of course its always gonna be a harder decision for the woman than for the man.

and what about people who were not raised in christian or religious homes? because i only have these moral views because ever since i was a prepubescent i was taught that abortion is murder hahahaha.

but a decent number of atheists and nonreligious believe that abortion is murder too.

was supposed to go back out Jogging 27 minutes ago hahaha. yet i sit here writing about uteruses and pregnancy and abortion even though i’ve only had secs like 2 times 10 years ago hahahaha.

GOD must have a reason he is making me carry this cross!

and i have a huge safety net too! I wouldnt be able to do what im doing if i didnt have a safety net! i sometimes wish i didnt HAVE that safety net, that that might have helped me TOUGHEN UP. and become a Tuff Get Going kinda person. resilient, able to deal with life, independent, strong, more confident, etc.

but theres also the chance that the safety net saved my LIFE and without it, i would have ended up on the STREETS and probably K’d myself! hehehehe thats a comforting thought.

uhhhh i would advise joining a support group for derpression or anxiety if you can.

plenty of people are angry and stressed but plenty of people are NOT, too. like at my job, there were a number of people who were often in good moods, did not hate their lives and jobs, one woman was always bubbly and she’s like I LIKE this job, I want to KEEP this job, I LIKE talking to people and helping them. She was in my top tier of people and I tried to get and give moral support to her, and also try to learn from her, and make my attitude more like hers. I will always remember her. i mean she was like 45 years old and married and i was not attracted to her in the least hahaha and she had kids. but she had the best work ethic and the best attitude ever, and i was a bit envious of that. a very strong person. much stronger than i.