april 27



because this site has ….. in its URLS which is NOT a best practice, they should talk to a center of excellence. how do you get hired if you dont KNOW best practices?

well they cant check everything. weve got metrics and deadlines, we cant check everything on all of our candidates. still a god damn computer science grad should know better. i dont think they are hiring shaneequa jankins to build this website. well, maybe they actually ARE. like i say, the incompetence and shoddiness of Business and the Work people do is SHAMEFUL. and frustrating. and mind boggling.

april 28

going to take drug test, i took small #1 and only expelled a portion but hopefully not too much. this shit is so stupid.

like i say its shameful you cant trust the companies you pay for service, to give you good service.

how is this anything new or shocking? its not, but it sucks when its your job to give that service. the customers are rightfully angry, you are flustered and angry, because you want to help them, but you cant figure out how, and your company is very unwilling to give help or permission because you found a way to pull a GOTCHA on the customer. you signed the contract goy.

and telling you work faster. i dont know HOW, but figure out a way to work faster. streamline your workflow. talk to other people on your level. trim the fat. cut corners.

well when i

ok took the drug test, they were very nice and professional and didnt seem to hate their lives or jobs. they probably had husbands and children. the cup i urinated in was very fancy and looks like it cost the US taxpayers a lot of money hahahaha.

I wrote my resignation / quitting / giving up email to the recruiter saying nope sorry cant start at the call center on monday, but as a sign of good will and i’d like to work with you in the future, here’s some inside information on whats going on at my old employer, and heres a list of 30 fooking names of people there, who could very well be interested. Gave them names, linkedins, and some personal emails too. I said PLEASE keep me anonymous/confidential. also said the managers might want to help but might have their hands tied. the Big Boss will very likely be of no help. so maybe try talking to a level 1 and see if they can give you any more names and contacts.

assuming what other peoples jobs will entail because nobody knows how to do their jobs, and I have to know Everything About Everything,


I googled to see if there was any business news about layoffs at the company, and found a facebook page visited by people who work there. a bunch of familiar names. everyone was joking around with each other and trying to be funny. including That Woman. Her profile picture was not discernable. it was fuzzy and blurry and dark and couldnt see her face thank god. and of course i could not click on it. I was not signed into facebook, i have been deactivated for 9 months, remember hahahaha.

still i was not happy to see her Handling Everything Well, laughing and joking.

I was angry and jealous that she was able to WITHSTAND and SURVIVE and the job did not bother her as much, and because of this faces a promising career in help desk bullshit. when I cant even stomach the idea of going to another call center and doing another stupid tech support case. she is strong and i am weak. i was jealous of her for that. why couldnt she help me and give me some of that strength to carry on.

so yeah she will have no problem getting a new job, and would probably not think twice about going to this new call center. she would say yeah it sucks but gotta pay dem bills and go to work. just suck it up and do it. whereas I go crazy and think oh god its gonna push me to my breaking point and im not gonna be able to HANDLE IT!!!!! because that has happened before.

fook its happened to her before. I just wish it happened to her here. or recently hahahaha.

But yeah I included her name and email in my list of people to the recruiter.

and after crafting this email with 30 names, hand picked linkedin links, emails, lots of in depth analysis and thought, i say this is probably confidential, and she replies with a 1 sentence thing saying they already know about this, its not confidential, sorry you can’t make it, please feel free to give us referrals.


I met the woman in person and she was nice but I think she is just an idiot on email.

So I sent the email as well to the younger, probably more email savvy recruiter.

so what if you already know about this? who’s on your list of names? I guarantee I got you some new personal email addresses. a thank you would be nice hahaha.

cuz its very possible word has gotten out and the people here know about the recruiter and the recruiter has been talking to them……but its equally possibly that no. people are just keeping stuff like this secret. it was kind of a secret keeping place. and cliques and such. I gave them names that covered ALL cliques. even people I didnt particularly like. people that might be fooking That Woman hahahaha. because nobody there deserves to be DOWNSIZED.

watch they contact HER and tell her I gave them her email hahahahaha. when I blatantly said PLEASE keep me ANONYMOUS.

heh. i just hate thinking of her moving forward with life and me staying STUCK just like i have been STUCK for 12 years hahaha.

and that I was just dead weight and toxic to her, that her life was better with out me.

we all have Toxic People who are best to cut out of our lives. Bad influences that drag you down. you’re better off without them. Or we have at least known people like that at some point in our lives.

its TERRIBLE for your confidence and self esteem, when YOU are one of those people for someone else!

when THEY are a very positive influence in YOUR life, and you are a very NEGATIVE influence on THEIR life!!!!!

and you’re stuck on them, and stuck in life, and they move upward and onward in life! and they cant help you nor do they want to help you. I imagine seeing her again in 5 years and she is making 100 grand a year and i am making 10 grand a year and she is like oh how sad, welp have a good life loser! sorry not sorry! thats what you get for making bad decisions and being a weakling who cant handle work! maybe if you werent such a cowardly pussy!

hahaha well YOURE the one who was cowardly to ME and YOURE the one who fooks deadbeats you fookin whore hahahaha. in an ideal world, I would be making 100 k a year because you cant even spell YOURE right and youre a horrible problem solver in Technology, how the hell did you get promoted to manager.

well im done with all that. i sent them a bunch of names and emails and linkedins, including HERS.

then in 10 years she will look back and remember me as a pathetic sad loser who couldnt cope with life and she is done hanging out with losers, he was an ok guy but DAMN was he a SAD LOSER, sorry not sorry, I just dont need that, i’m a successful winner, dont let anyone bring me down.

rather than remembering me as a good person who was once her good friend and we got along really really well.

which is how I will remember her. damn. a good person and we got along really well and it was really SAD how it all ENDED.

and now she is coping with the place closing very well, very mature, having a positive attitude, joking around with all the coworkers she gets along very well with. i think about how she is doing all the time, and she never thinks about how I am doing hahaha.

i think it upset me just to go to that facebook page which was kind of set up as an unofficial place for employees to bitch about the company, quite rightfully. MIGHT NOT be the best idea to put your name out there so that anyone can see it though! also it wasnt super in depth. there was like less than 5 posts and nothing too harsh or emotional. just people making light jokes like they weren’t losing their jobs.

and i was upset just to see HER NAME there, evidence of her making one insubstantial remark on this page, like you are the best team ever!! smiley.  and i would see her name, her talking, her picture of some dark blurry blob and thank god not her face, and I would get angry that she was still working there, she was doing fine, she was handling adversity well, she was friends with her Team Members, and she doesnt give a FOOK about me, her once good friend that she just walked away from without a word. And that I still cared about her and she couldnt care about me LESS.

I can look at other people’s names that work there, but just seeing her NAME as posting on facebook was very TRIGGERING for me and I wish I hadn’t even seen her NAME. evidence of her out there in april 2016, interacting and socializing and coping and surviving and carrying on like a fookin normie, struggling and winning rather than struggling and LOSING.

EVERYBODY struggles. just some people win that struggle and others lose. bit by bit. you have wins and losses. and at some point one starts to outweigh the other.

basically it is just too much to see evidence of her existing post our big falling out. I still want her. I dont want her enjoying life without me. I want her to be upset about me. In the sense that something of value was lost. I want to MATTER to her even just a LITTLE bit. I want her to think of me like I still think of her.

its gotten better though thank god, after fookin 9.6 months, but seeing her name on facebook is still enough to trigger me.

i wrote a hugeass reply on despairforums, coming back from hiatus there:



Thanks for the update. I have been on hiatus from the forums unfortunately.  I can relate to that feeling, I have long felt alienated and an outsider and a misanthrope etc. Like in Dostoyevesky’s “Notes From Underground,” the famous narrator, “I am a sick man, I am a spiteful man…” etc, haha.  But I also feel like the world is more “sick” than I am, we live in a fallen world and people are no good, etc. Yeah it’s pretty rough!

When I was at my best, I still had pretty extreme and unpopular beliefs, but I also got along with everybody pretty well, was friendly to people and they were friendly to me, and I thought it was kind of funny that they had no idea that I had some pretty far-out political and moral beliefs.  Also, I think that our “far-out” beliefs do have a good kernel of basic common sense to them that nobody would really think is weird, for example: Men and women are different. Different cultures are different. Try to do no harm to others. Try to be an honest, decent person. Treat others as you want to be treated. Try to do the right thing. Don’t be a d1ck to people. Show respect for yourself and others. Don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Don’t use people like objects. Realize that it’s great to be rational and logical, but unfortunately people are irrational quite a lot of the time.  Just very basic, simple, obvious common-sense lessons any reasonable person would agree with. So I try to find common ground with people on things like that.

Unfortunately it can be hard to do that if you are not very social, or have a bad work situation, which unfortunately are not uncommon situations for us despairing introverts, haha. I think if I were working an average job with average people, things would be a lot better. I could enjoy holding my “extreme” beliefs, and also enjoy not feeling like a total outsider, stranger, alien, weirdo, etc. But having an average job with average people is, again, a very tall order. I have not been working for months and that has certainly affected own self-respect and confidence in my ability to do just about anything: talk to people, figure out problems, “act normal”.

I don’t have any advice and I would hate being given unsolicited advice! I am just sharing my experience. I have held pretty unpopular beliefs for a while, and have been at personal high points and low points regardless of those beliefs. At the low points I felt my beliefs were really extreme and alienated me from other people. At the high points I was able to have a better perspective on it all, and find some basic, but important common ground with people, in terms of those Basic Life Lessons I mentioned above. Then I might use our mutual agreement on those issues to start carefully discussing things that might not be so popular. This is what I mean by “hiding your power level.”

Also it can be discouraging to view your own beliefs as being “anti-everything”…..even if that’s kind of what they are. For example, like you I am very anti-SJW, anti-feminism, anti-PC, all that stuff. That’s all fine and I will always be anti those terrible things, haha, but I started use less “anti” language, and saying here’s the things I stand for. Or viewing yourself as a “Neoreactionary” or an “Anarcho-Capitalist” or “Radical Traditionalist” or “Nationalist” or “Alt-Right” or “Alt-Left” or “Hoppean Paleolibertarian” hahaha, or whatever might be a sensible “label” that doesn’t involve the word “anti.” I guess this presumes a comfortability in associating with a label, which once I was not, but now I am. More or less, haha.

For a while I was hardcore MGTOW but ultimately it was just too bleak for me, as I personally could not stomach the “avoid all women” aspect of the most extreme MGTOWs. I simply value women too much and struggled to find an “appropriate” view/perspective on women. Feminism sure wasn’t it, but the most extreme modern MGTOW wasn’t much more hopeful for me. I mean the stuff like artificial wombs and “2D Waifus” and such.

Basically I came to a more traditional view which hardcore Mgtows would definitely call “White Knighting”, but it’s a much better belief system for me to live with. Maybe I am closing my eyes to reality, taking the blue pill, or maybe I am creating my own reality, haha.

Some men have no problem not dealing with women at all whatsoever. So for them, extremist MGTOW makes sense and doesn’t give any inner conflict. For someone like me, though, who would like to get married and have children someday, I needed a belief system that was more in line with my personal desires and goals.

For me, a general transition from Libertarian MRA toward Rightist Nationalist Traditionalist was very useful. This is definitely not a one-size-fits-all approach though!

And since I don’t interact with people every day at a job any more, that increases my sense of isolation and “weirdness.” In other words, I feel like a “weirdo” within myself.

It would probably help to have super close friends that you can talk about these things with, and they can reassure you that you are not weird…..but I’m guessing most of us don’t have those kinds of close friends! It would probably be nice though. I have had close friends at points in my life where there was that sense of “intimacy,” and I remember it as being a very good, supportive thing.  And it kinda sucks to want that kind of connection with somebody but not have it, then sometimes you seem “desperate” in wanting it, and that is even more frustrating, etc etc etc.

Anyway, posting on these forums is a good substitute for that I think.

I have been absent from this forum and also from my “weird, extreme” political forum for a few weeks now as I have intensified my job search exponentially, and that’s been a positive change. Accomplishing more actual tasks, and less time on the forums. The forums are GREAT, but I think it can reach a plateau of usefulness after looking at it too much.

I just sat down and started blasting out resumes and cover letters and applications, making a game out of it, trying to beat my “high score” of how many I could accomplish in one day. Starting off small and working my way up. As I did that every day, I began to get more “Streamlined” in terms of managing my 600000000000 documents, resumes in 20 different places, the most efficient ways of searching indeed.com, most efficient ways to job search basically.

This actually resulted in some “progress” on the job front, which while it hasn’t led to a job yet, did boost my confidence a bit, and makes it seem more hopeful that I am capable of getting a job.

I have noticed that Call Center jobs seem to be relatively easy to get, and often have full-time openings and a wage higher than $10 an hour, haha. A staffing agency basically handed me a Technical Support Call Center job on a silver platter, quite decent money, but…..I would caution that the Call Center environment can be absolutely excruciating and hellish beyond one’s wildest nightmares. My last job was in such a setting and I simply cannot fathom going back to anything remotely like that. I think because the call center is such a universally-loathed environment is why there is such availability of jobs in them.

I would not recommend such a position to any of us on this forum unless at the absolute rock bottom of desperation.

I felt bad turning down a well-paying job that so many people would be very happy to have. But something “smelled fishy” about the company, and I’m just not desperate enough to take a job in a call center, thank God.

Some people actually have better-than-horrible experiences and could testify Not All Call Centers Are Like That. Good for them I say, but I just don’t want to take the chance at this time. The time may come where I am not so privileged, but until then, I will pursue other types of jobs.  Just saying if you get super desperate and want to try something challenging, you could find a “tech support help desk” job easier than other jobs. Some fortunate people are able to turn it into a decent career. It helps if you are very strong and confident emotionally. Unfortunately, I was not.

What I would do is build my Indeed Resume and use that to apply to as many postings on Indeed as I could. I have one Master Resume in a text file which I copy and paste to all my other resumes as needed. The master resume is super long, having everything and anything. I know you are only “supposed” to have a one page resume, but I always send them the Big Resume first. If I get an interview then I will bring them the Long Resume AND a condensed one-page resume. I only had one interview, and it was a very informal interview with a recruiter. I think that was better than a proper interview with a company, less pressure. Another recruiter offered me the high-paying tech support call center job WITHOUT an interview, just looking at my resume. That was part of what I mean that the whole situation was “fishy.” Turns out the company has a terrible reputation and is a revolving door of employees all saying it is the worst place in the world to work.

On the Indeed “Quick Apply” jobs you submit your Indeed resume, and there is a box for a cover letter (optional.) In this box I copy and paste a one-paragraph “statement of interest” where I fill in the company’s name Talent Acquisition Team and play around with business jargon and BS. Stuff about being a motivated self-starter ready to hit the ground running and add value to your team in the Machine Operator position. Include name, phone and email here as well.

Gradually I find ways to improve my resume. So I go back to the Master resume, then copy that back over to my Indeed resume.  Also I began experimenting with LinkedIn. So I copy the Master Resume to Indeed and to LinkedIn.

Of course a lot of jobs aren’t even posted on indeed. Stuff like City, municipal, county jobs, hospital jobs. I make documents and notes and lists of all these places so I don’t forget to check them.  I use sticky notes on the computer desktop, and use Notepad++ for all my Word Processing needs because I prefer working with txt files and then just copy and paste them wherever needed. Also it allows me to have 15 documents open at any given time: master resume, short resume, 1 paragraph cover letter, 3 paragraph cover letter, ongoing job search notes/journal including all the places I’ve applied to, unofficial transcripts, list of references with addresses phones emails, a couple letters of recommendation I’ve been fortunate enough to get, a list of companies and websites NOT on indeed, the biggest employers in the city, the biggest employers in the county, a place to copy my sticky notes when I get too many sticky notes. Basically I need a lot of documents open. One could do the same thing with Word or Notepad or Open Office or whatever you want, I just wanted something to quickly access a lot of different documents easily. I sync all these to my Google Drive so I can access them anywhere if needed.

Also double check if you are able to get any official college transcripts online. I only had unofficial transcripts but then I checked the college websites recently and discovered you could download an official transcript as a PDF, complete with official seal and signed security certificate, so that’s an easy but useful thing to have.

Then I save all emails regarding confirmation of applying to an Applied Jobs Folder. Save all rejection emails to a rejections folder, hahaha. That is definitely frustrating, but I guess it’s better to get a rejection email than absolutely nothing at all.

I have been applying with any staffing or temp agencies in the area I can find. They have made me take some online skills tests.

Sometimes it gets ridiculous. I was invited to take an “assessment test” for a pretty low-paying part time job. There were 30 people in a room on a Saturday morning to take a 100 question multiple choice test that took me almost 2 hours to complete. I have no doubt some people walked out because they thought the test was overkill for the actual job, but IMHO it was better than a call center. I am being invited back for a second round of tests for that one, haha. This is all before even having an interview.

So yeah, it’s funny that I have taken a number of assessment tests online, some in-person assessment tests, several urine drug tests, sent out dozens of resumes, cover letters and applications, and had one actual job offer (call center)……but I haven’t had a single real interview. Except for an informal talk with a recruiter who said they might have a data entry job for me. I am hoping for a call back on that one. Not a call center!!

If I had any courage I would do it old-school style: get a list companies in an x-mile radius and just start CALLING them on the phone. Is the manager available, Are you hiring people right now, Are you accepting resumes, hi my name is bla bla and I am available immediately to hit the ground running and help your team be more profitable, I’d love to talk to you about how I may add value, bla bla. And then just spend all day making phone calls and calling people. Unfortunately, I am very phone-shy and have not tried this. If you have no problem with the phone though, it’s definitely worth a try.

I also went to the thrift store because I wanted to look for a “new” suit coat. I was able to find something pretty good for a low price. Wearing that to my “interview” with the recruiter definitely was a confidence booster, and really confidence is the most important thing to have. Which I don’t, so I have to fake it, so anything that makes it easier to fake it is appreciated.

If you can get a tailored suit from men’s wearhouse or something with perfectly matching coat and pants, that would probably be ideal, but there are workarounds for that, haha. Also I have heard that a plain white dress shirt does better in interviews than a dress shirt with stripes. I think this is probably BS though, haha.

Reading articles on LinkedIn Pulse and TheMuse.com and that kind of stuff can be really good for developing your ability to speak the BS Language of Business and give you powerful words and phrases to use in your resume and cover letters and interviews. After a while it gets so frustrating you have to stop reading though. I don’t recommend taking that stuff too seriously, but I also don’t recommend getting angry about it like I often do! “What kind of people talk and think like this! This is SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!” hahahaha.

Finally, I have a “what to say during the interview” file where I write everything I could possibly say in an interview that makes me sound like a winning Team Member. This includes lots of copy pasted stuff from articles on Linkedin and Themuse.

For my quasi-interview with the recruiter, I condensed this 100 page document down to 2 pages so that I could bring it with me to the interview and remember to say it.

Basically my goal is to get a new job and put a terrible, confidence-destroying year behind me, where I kind of had a breakdown, lost the job, got heart broken, felt like a real screw-up and loser.

Of course a job is no cure-all, just like a woman is no cure-all. But I think a decent job, as well as a decent relationship, can go a long way in building one’s self-confidence, and when you are totally devoid of one or both, it can really destroy you confidence. Believe me I know how impossible it is to get either one, I’ve never really had either one!

Anyway it sounded like your previous job was not a healthy environment, just like my previous job was not a healthy environment. In the short to medium term, it’s bad to be out of a job, but in the long term, if we can possibly find a better job, then it will all be worth it.

Of course, I worry “what if I DONT find a better job, and can only hope to find a WORSE job?”

Those are the kind of thoughts I really have to fight.

Anyway I think if you (or I, haha) can find a halfway tolerable new job, in your case not with a stupid d1ckhead manager and in my case not in a horrible stressful call center, that will greatly increase your confidence and you won’t feel like such a “weirdo” for your beliefs, and will find it easier to find basic common ground with people.

Keep us posted!


then a guy responded with a beautiful friends first story and how “the perfect woman had been right there in front of him this whole time. we have been married for 17 wonderful years.”

so I responded with:


that is a great story of how you met your wife. I am a huge fan of these “friends first” stories because I think it is a very good way to begin a strong, long-term relationship. An ideal way, for me, at least. Unfortunately, “friends first” also has its pitfalls, such as the “friendzone” or in some cases, bitter and sad heartbreak, haha.

I don’t take the “friendzone” as seriously as some, because to me it’s a non-issue. If I express feelings and they say sorry, let’s just be friends, then I would more than likely work to “peacefully detach” from the person, because IMHO, a real and healthy friendship simply cannot exist when there is such an imbalance of feelings. If I had a female friend who had one-sided feelings for me and I was putting her in the “friendzone”, I would say something like: Yeah, the friendzone is BS, because I know you don’t want to be just friends with me. I appreciate this is a real tough situation for you, and it’s probably best if we spend some time apart.

In other words, I just don’t understand these friendzone situations where one person is pining for months and years…..and the other person is ok with that. I would not want to be on either side of that.

And I have to share my horror story as well! Here, the Friendzone would have been very preferable! I was very close and got along very well with my female friend, just as you did. It took a long time, but I eventually developed feelings for her, and really hoped it would work out, because we knew each other so well, and for a long time, and had a good connection, and knew and trusted and supported each other. Unfortunately, she was horrified or disgusted or just completely overwhelmed that I had feelings for her, and she walked away without a word as I desperately begged her to please talk to me. It was the complete opposite of “let them down gently”, hahaha. It more than broke my heart, it turned my world upside down, and has taken a very long time to even make SOME progress in getting over it all. The fact that we were good friends made the ultimate heartbreak even worse, as did the harsh suddenness of the way it all came crashing down.

I guess this is the risk we all take in making ourselves vulnerable and offering our heart to others, haha. Sometimes you are the bug and sometimes you are the windshield, haha.

But I still love the idea that men and women can be friends and then gradually develop into something more. IMHO, it’s much more beautiful than the “hook-up culture” where people get physical very fast, and go through the motions of a relationship over the short-term, and go through a revolving door of shallow, short-term relationships, never really knowing the other person before getting bored and discarding them. (And in many cases, are rejected before even reaching the point of short-term “dating”!) It is a beautiful thing to build a long-term relationship from a basis of mutual respect and appreciation where you already have a real friendship with the person.

So thank you for sharing a story of success here, just to give some hope that it can happen! So far I have only experienced the very negative side of this, but would very much like to have an experience like yours.





april 24

sheeeeit. well i did not go out to the bar yesterday. next time i see the guy i will apologize profusely and buy him a drink and say i fell asleep by 11 pm which wasnt far off. actually slept ok. got into bed at like 10 pm, which is when people leave their house to go to the bar. nope cant do it.

so i guess thats my plan. go to the training, get paid, be a pain in the ass…..but do i want to establish a reputation as a troublemaker? this is highly unlikely. usually im so scared so i become a people pleaser and ass kisser. well i tell u what, i dont like level 2 bullshit and runarounds, and I support my level 1 people all damn day and want them to get the support and help and RESPECT they DESERVE.

also I want to fix problems. REALLY fix shit. REALLY help the callers. ALSO, i dont view the callers as IDIOTS. they are doing complicated shit that confuses ME most of the time too. and its MY job to fix it. they’re not idiots. whoever set this shit up and made all the hardware and software and websites such a spaghetti clusterfook is an idiot and and asshole. simplify. you could save money. oh but thats in the long term, and it would cost money in the short term, so we dont do it.

also, fook the metrics if they dont relate DIRECTLY to fixing shit for callers. is that what they MEASURE. i dont care about pleases and thank yous and using their name and i dont care if its 20 vs 25 minutes. and sometimes you CANT resolve the shit by yourself. you HAVE to send it up, and that shouldnt count against YOU. and then your handle time goes up because you are arguing with the level 2 trying to convince them to escalate it, this is beyond me, help me out here, so then by that time, youre at 30 minutes if not 50, AND you have lost the first call resolution.

so in other words I would like to see handle time and FCR just removed. well, I can see how they might be useful for statistical purposes, but DONT PENALIZE THE AGENTS FOR THESE. THEY CANT HELP IT. THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. measure it, and work on level 2’s and above to manager these metrics, but dont blame level 1’s for it, because they have no control over it.

as you can see i am opinionated as fook! and these are the types of opinions I should make clear from day 1 of the training. And act as kind of a spartacus to the new people. I am here to support you and help us survive this war. fook everyone above us who wants us to work miracles all the time and dont understand what its like in the trenches. we have terrible leaders. we dont have a patton or macarthur that we respect and luv and would die for! we have a bunch of pvssy asshole idiots that dont know a god damn thing about our jobs!!!!!!

best case scenario, my state has recreational MJ (like colorado or amsterdam) in january 2017. but thats not gonna stop employers from testing for it hahaha.

and its not gonna stop MJ from being DEGENERATE!!!!!

I wish I didnt like it so much. But for me it is a pick me up from a disappointing life hahahaha. terrible jobs, disappointment, despair, loneliness, no good women, failure, worry, helps you unwind after a tough day and helps you sleep at night for another tough day ahead.

it helps you enjoy other recreational things like music and movies.

it taps into the feeelz of GODS LUV. ie those special feelings that you feel for special people. except maybe you dont know any more special people, or they are all out of your life. the MJ reminds you you still are not some kind of hateful monster!!!!!!

and in some ways you can develop a kind of RElationship with MJ that is sometimes an acceptable substitute when there are no real women for you. gets you through the tough times when you cant stop worrying and cant sleep and raging exercise is not enough to help you turn your mind off.

the thing is, most people at my old job were GOOD PEOPLE. most managers were good people. most level 2s were good people. almost all level 1s were good people. it was just a testament to how powerful Bad Upper Management can be, to overpower the good influence of all these good people. so long as the Director or VP of your department/division is kinda shady…..that is enough to do it.

also it helped to be able to see the level 2s who were “advising” you. someone can seem like a total asshole when you have never met them, they are 1000 miles away and you will never see, meet, or talk to them other than them giving you shitty directions in a chat room. if you met them in person, they would probably seem like better people.

but some of our first level 2 contacts were people we only knew from chat rooms and shitty chats.

naturally I liked the level 2s who were in my office a bit better. one in particular i became fairly friendly with. you could see the tired exhausted despairing look in their eyes and then you understood that their job wasn’t any better than yours. so what if they made 2 dollars more an hour than you. it wasnt worth it.

so maybe its like women. NAXALT. Since I only have one experience with one tech support place, it stands to reason that the second one could be better….or worse. if its worse i will quit with 2 week notice and beg the temp agency to find me a job for 4 dollars less an hour.

besides, my opinion of the job was HEAVILY influenced by my situation with HER.

in other words, if SHE hadnt been there, I still would not have loved the job, but I probably wouldnt have HATED it so bitterly, and wouldnt be SO apprehensive about trying another tech support job.

maybe its a sign from GOD. he WANTS me to try one more tech support job. and thats why a 17 dollar an hour job fell into my lap, and the lead recruiter is calling me saying “its a good idea, I understand your doubts, but just go to the training and get a better idea.”

life of agony, river runs red. forgot this is a great album for unresolvable teen angst hahahah.  1993 NYC/brooklyn tough guys, features first drummer of TON, produced by j00 from TON, has become a classic. i had it on a cassette tape but never listened to it enough. as an equally angsty adult i can see myself coming back to it hardcore now.

yes Im well aware the singer became a trannie hahahaha. that IS something that should be address.  I mean he is still a good singer. I just think he must have had a very fooked up home life as a child, probably molested like crazy. i mean it all checks out with the extreme angst on display in LOA. it just seems somewhat less degenerate to be a gay man than to be a MtF tranny. I mean you can’t really become a woman. how about you just be a very feminine man. like me hahahahahahaha. I mean most LOA fans dont really care because the LOA legacy is solid and nobody can deny. Also xir seems like a kind gentle person, never doin no harm, and I can appreciate that. its just weird and i wouldnt want to marry him now that hes a woman hahahaha. plus all musicians are bipolar anyway.

or maybe he was not molested at all, but his inner desire to be a woman that was the cause of all his angst.

yeah i forgive her. (not talking about the LOA singer any more hahahaha i am talking about THAT woman ahahaha) its starting to make more sense now. yeah i scared her and i pushed her, but she scared and pushed me too. we both scared and pushed each other to unreasonable extremes, and its just SAD as fook. and that is pretty much the conclusion of everything. all there is to say about it.

i learned about the importance of communication and courage. it wasnt worth it to have such a sad shitty thing happen though. but the important thing to remember is that she never wanted to be with me in the first place. the best i could have ever gotten was just a Better Ending. still that would have been less damn sad and awful.

but I never would have BEEN with her.

it was beyond my control, it was never meant to be, it was PREDESTINED BY GOD hahahaha.

NOTHING I could have EVER done could have made her EVER luv me.

she just didnt have it in her.

hahahaha ill tell ya what she DOES have in her!!!! tons of blaq diqz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha wawawaawawa

its like, it means nothing to you to take dicks, why not just take mine? why not just talk to me?

hehehe no it probably DOES mean something to her to take a dick, so I shouldnt SLANDER her, its not fair or right.

just listen to life of agony and slit muh wrists hahaha ya got time, but you aint got time for me, got time but u aint got time 4 me, yeah!!!!!!

perfect angst hahahaha

yes. have like one day of training.

second day, still keep all the new people in the training room. fook trainers, get in experienced level 1s who take calls and who know what theyre doing and who KNOW WHAT TO SAY. have at least 2 or 3 or 4 of them lead the training.

pipe inbound calls into the classroom and put a newbie in the hot seat starting the second day to take a call. have one or more of the experienced people to hold their hand from the very start, and essentially handle the call WITH them. guide them to show them what to do on the live call. make sure we can all hear the call and also see the screen as they work.

save all this shit as videos you can watch later. MY GOD.

each knowledge base article should have a video of a call and the agents screen as he remotes in and fixes the issue. here’s a great example of this case, the fix, and what to say.


fook thats SUCH a good idea!!!!! ideas man!!!!! thinking outside of the box here!!!!!!!

if people bitch at you for making the coffee too WEAK, but you cant drink it strong any more because it makes you diarrhea too much, simply mix the strong coffee with water until its weak. For You. hahahahaha

believe me, i WISH i could drink strong coffee! but weak coffee is so much better for muh stomach.


yea sing it mina you crazy degenerate trannie hahahaha hahahahahahaha

but does xir want to Date men or women?  if he still wants to date women…..why try to BECOME a woman. just be a feminine man. I am a hugely wimpy unmasculine man but I still want to be with a woman. I dont want to BE a woman hahaha.

what to do if you wanna dump someone search term.

GLAD YOU ASKED, rather than do it the WRONG WAY hahahaha

TELL THEM. you SHOULD talk to them and have a LONG talk and series of long talks and give them the courtesy and respect to say everything they need to say to you. it might take them months to even think of everything because they will be so GUTTED and BLINDSIDED and CONFUSED and OVERWHELMED.

also be firm. be firm and clear that we are never ever ever getting back together.

accept that they still love you so this is causing them pain. apologize deeply for all this. but still hold firm and dont give them hope.

let them write you emails. then respond with I read your message. youre a good person but we are not getting back together. im sorry to hurt you. i just cant do this. im sorry. youre a good person and not worthless. I just cant do this rel any more. Im sorry. feel free to write to say whatever you want to say but it wont change the fact that its over. im trying to let you down as gently as i can.

and just try to do that. cuz you deciding to single handedly end a rel with someone who loves you, is a very selfish and hurtful thing.

before anything, try to make it work. make an effort to meet them halfway like they are TRYING to do. give them another chance. give the REL another chance. actually make an effort and try.

also try going to a shrink a couple times.

and if they are willing to do all that and you arent…..recognize how much you are breaking their heart, and express you are sorry. beg them not to hate you hahahaha.

whatever you do, do NOT run away from the situation and ignore and avoid them completely. they want to be HEARD.

treat peoples HEARTS gently, with kindness and respect and courtesy and compassion and dignity!!!!

that would be my 2 minute quick and dirty answer. but it will get you where you need to go.

hey. im glad you asked rather than not asked, and dumped them by avoiding and ignoring them. shows youre concerned with how to do this right way. but most decent people will already know. deep in their marrow.

but women are weird. they dont have the curiosity and 2nd level thinking even the slowest, dullest men do. for example, she was a longtime partaker of MJ yet she didnt even know the difference between sativa and indica, didn’t know, didnt care.

maybe this is a Stoner thing rather than a woman thing?

but some stoners are very intellectually curious on their drug of choice!!!!!

I would hope anyone hired as a budtender or higher (hahahahahaha) would show that kind of initiative to know the difference between indica and sativa and hybrids of both.

so when I come in, i who dont give a shit about all the strains, come in and say I want something that is at LEAST 75% indica, gimme the strongest indica you got, because sativa makes me anxious but indica makes me chill, and anxious is bad and chill is good.

then they shuold be able to interpret that and give you a strong indica.

but after my old job I catch myself when I think, well, THEY WORK THERE, THEY”RE THE EXPERTS, they can point me in the right direction, even if I can’t articulate myself too well, and there are too many unknown unknowns for me.


and this is the companys fault for allowing these untrained feral people out there to deal with their customers!

its INSULTING to the customers!!!!! and its cruel and abusive to the poor low level employees!

be nice to the level 1’s, be RUTHLESS To the managers that ALLOW it!!!!!

but our managers were pretty good.

no, ask for the top manager at that location. the director. thing is, you will NEVER talk to them.

ONCE we had a caller who kept demanding to speak to whoevers manager. nope let me speak to YOUR manager now. until it went all the way up to the most powerful person in the 70 person office. who was a new manager and was just like sorry i dont even work with this shit, i have no idea what to say to him, all you know the technology better than me, i’m not a technician, im just a manager. i manage technicians and know nothing about the tech.

of course this person was not promoted from within.

anything OTHER than promoting from within is like SHITTING IN THE FACES of your talented, hard working employees. it never made sense to me before, and now I treat it as an act of hostile aggression. THIS MEANS WAR.

they brought in a new location manager from outside the company during my last 9 months there. everyone wanted and thought the Acting Manager would get the job. he didn’t. I showed him sympathy once, saying man I really thought you were gonna get that job, I wanted you to, Im sorry.

if i were him, I would be PISSED and would have QUIT. but he was much more emotionally stable than me hahaha. he was pretty much a decent guy i think. the nonwhite woman they hired above him, was pretty shady and twofaced. did not like or trust. was not going to help the department run smoother for the level 1’s. i dont care if she has a masters degree. I almost had a masters degree hahahaha. lets see you handle 1 hour of calls, let alone months and years of 9 hour days of nothing but phone calls beotch hahahaha.

i dont think its EVER called for to hire a manager/executive from outside the company. all the bullshit excuses companies give for doing this are ALWAYS bullshit.

new perspective? think outside of the box? THEY DONT KNOW THE BOX WELL ENOUGH TO THINK OUTSIDE OF IT!!!!! youre just saying your own employees arent good enough to do this job……when they ARE.

shitting in their god damn faces.

that was in like….i dunno august or september 2014. right when I STARTED changing over with my feelings towards her. things hadnt gotten BAD yet and I was probably at the PEAK of confidence for muh job.

the last YEAR has FLOWN by even though I havent been busy AT ALL, i have just been moping and wasting time like a loser.

it is SCARY. it is like time is in FAST FORWARD. till death hahaha.

good god. I am going BALLS OUT on my linkedin profile. I made it public and am just pimping it out with tons of useless and probably damaging, hurtful material, like shitty short jobs I had hahahaha, and obnoxious interests like theology and international cinema hahahaha.

before i had pride and shame and did not want people from high school who were just waiting for me to crash and burn, could then look me up and see that they were RIGHT, I DID crash and burn, and here I am, displaying it to all the world.

but since its such a drastic change from my previous LinkedIn posture, then maybe it will produce some results hahahaha. everyone else near my age in high school and college are now directors and Managers and Lead Analysts and Department Heads and all that, proudly wearing expensive suits, proudly listing their 80k+ a year Careers in words that dont even make sense to normal working class americans hahahaha. they’d have to call a tech support to explain what the persons job description even meant. but the tech support would not understand it either, and they are too low to transfer you to the person directly, who could explain what their own job is. their time is too valuable to spend it with people like us.

when you make 40 dollars an hour or more, you don’t need to talk to people who make 15 dollars an hour or less.

pot limit big O? badacey? how the f do you play these games? i barely grasp the concept of regular omaha, and now they want me to BET on my play????!?!?! hahahaha . i have no choice. people just arent playing NLHE  games, just weird pot limit omaha games. i guess its not THAT complicated….. but I already am LOSING money on a game I already DO know how to play.

nausea and muscle spasms and chronic pain baybee. will get you medical MJ every time.

so now the christian high schools give random drug tests to their students. this absolutely did not happen when I was in a christian high school long ago. yes they had drug testing technology way back then, and low paying jobs still gave drug tests way back then. just didnt do them in high schools, randomly.

interesting issue. i have always had a Libertarian view on drugs but I have been becoming more authoritarian lately. but not regarding our corrupt ZOG govt hahaha. there I am still very libertarian. but in a happy aryan fascist raceocracy Whitopia, drugs would be heavily shamed and shunned. but would they be ILLEGAL??!?!?!?!?!!!???!!?!?!

cuz im a special snowflake and i want to smoke MJ without consequences!!!!!!!!!



apri 21



this was linked on recent fatherland, im sure its ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING

met with staffing agency recruiter today, had first thing even remotely like an interview in 9.4 MONTHS of being a shitbum neet loser!!!!!

took some skills tests on prove it dot com including finally some actual excel simulations. it asked really stupid stuff that i couldnt REMEMBER how to do. like center the worksheet on a printout or where such and such feature was buried. I cheated by looking on google a couple times. I am worried that I did it too SLOWLY to pass. I do not know if i get to see my results. they just tell the recruiter that I am bad at excel. though  I told her I knew about lookups and index match, hahahaha.  didnt have to do those on the simulation though. just sum and avg hahahahaha. there was a pivot table in there.

its degenerate for a 26 year old man to be 4 years removed from a serious relship. (as in the stupid gq article above.) and especially a 26 year old woman!!!

read the article. i mean yeah the son is degenerate and he should let his mother find him a good girl. but he lives in NYC which is a degenerate city and all young men and women are degenerates. and then his stupid UNDEFINED relationship with the woman at the end. its degenerate to not define relationships. either youre friends or youre not. either youre f00king or youre not. He doesnt say they are fooking but I am sure they are. he does say they are NOT dating. not dating but fooking. undefined friends with benefits. a 26 year old man dating a THIRTY year old “girl.”  well this guy is fooked. he has a well meaning mother but it sounds like his father let the mother dominate. but it sounded pretty benign. the kid clearly has no moral compass. well, his mother is the closest thing. he should have let her continue to use his tinder. maybe met MORE THAN ONE woman. meet at least TEN women your mother found for you. and he as a FT job as a GQ writer at age 26 writing gay articles about ONE date his mother set up? i bet he has got to be freelance or contract or part time. not making anywhere near 20 grand a year writing for a big glossy magazine like gq. for that he makes less than a help desk call center worker. he makes less than you. think about that.

not sure what fatherland will say about it, hopefully something similar to that. i mean just say it. these 20 somethings living in NYC are all fooking degenerate with very atomized and cheap relationshits.

in other words, I think tinder is much less degenerate in Flyover Country.

Wore new blue jacket and unstriped white shirt, and new red tie. looked pretty good. shaved beard. coat was a LITTLE big, but not terrible. spent most of my time filling out forms of stuff they could have easily included on the online forms I filled out the day before.

Met with the woman, who was my age or a LITTLE bit younger hahaha. It was VERY distracting because there was another recruiter talking to another candidate in the next cubicle. I could essentially hear the recruiter interviewer the candidate while I filled out my forms. He was ok but asked some hard hitting questions, but the woman candidate was alot more experienced and superior to me, hahaha.

my recruiter was not intimidating and I did ok. Also its kinda good it felt more Informal and Small Time, than a bigass interview with a CEO asking really tough questions.


certification board for call centers.


they even have a podcast hahahaha featuring the ceo of benchmark.

again this is more useful for managers i think, than for level 1 peasants or even level 2. but it might have some usefulness to the level 1 person that feels like they are not being trained appropriately, and might make them more confident at their job.

learning position is code for: you will be overwhelmed with new shit all the time and you should study at least 2 hours a day AFTER work so you can keep up and do the bare minimum hahahaha. but those expectations wont be explained to you. so I will explain them to you now.

fook. that woman doesnt treat her job as a learning position.

its just SAD. we are both decent people who were PUSHED to do less than admirable things. I pushed her. She kinda pushed me. we both overreacted and acted stupidly and shamefully. and the feeling that lingers in the end, now that I have gained some sense of Calm and Perspective, is just straight up SADNESS. that this just sucks. there is no silver lining. I didnt want her out of my life. My life was better with her in it. and she is never coming back.  so its like learning to live after your beloved wife of 50 years has died. you didnt want her to go. you KNOW you cant replace her.

same here. I didnt want her to leave. I still want her to come back. I know no one can replace her. I wish she felt the same about me hahahaha. Well maybe the silver lining is, I get a new suit and a new job that isnt in a call center hahahaha. the thing the recruiter is looking at pays less than I was making though. fook it. as long as SHE isnt there, and it isnt a CALL CENTER, its WORTH IT.

well the recruiter temp client is a mortgage insurance underwriting type place and they do have an Excellent call center, but I told muh recruiter that I am not the best fit for a Call Center job at this time. Hopefully she understands this, unlike the other recruiter who, after 2 attempts, has not seemed to get the message that I do not want their call center job, and they think I will be showing up to their Call Center Help Desk job in a few weeks hahaha.

you email them so they have a record hahahaha that they dont have when you call, right???!?!?!?!

Well I also dont want to be a no call no show and appears that I have Voluntarily Quit that agency hahaha. I’m just not accepting that Call Center Job. Find me another hahahaha.

heres what I did: i gave the actual person (other recruiter that I actually met with haha. Why didnt the first recruiter just have me MEET with them? I kind of appreciate the personal touch hahaha.) a one page resume AND a two page resume. gave them the choice.

this recruiter used skill tests from “prove it” kenexa

the other one


used findly skillcheck tests.

heh. i was nervous before going in but i wasnt super nervous while talking to them, probably because the setting was so informal and it was distracting, and maybe in a good way, to have the “open office” and hear other people have conversations right around the corner. so that actually helped me.

but yeah. that woman. its just so sad. we both snapped in different ways. i acted out, and she totally shut down. and a beautiful long term rel was instantly terminated. pulled the plug.

well she didnt want to go where i wanted to go. i just wish she hadnt been so disgusted by the idea that she couldnt even respond to me. overwhelmed or not. then send an email a month later. have someone else contact me for you. nope. absolutely NOTHING. show you cared about me and that YOU are sad too, that will show me I meant something to you. because when you are close friends like that, it HAS to mean something.

so yeah they have a call center for…..its like an intersection between mortgage and insurance. they sell “lender placed insurance” products. so i guess the lender, ie the mortager, buys insurance from this company. i think. its confusing of course but as long as I am not getting slammed with questions from Mortgage Lenders and especially Mortgage Debtors, I might be able to survive.

I mean these agents and underwriters need to PASS TESTS.

so my concern is that Im able to do complicated insurance stuff where I have no idea what is right and what is wrong. Wrong looks right to me! It’s not obvious, like Sexual Morality! Being a huge slut who jumps into casual sex is OBVIOUSLY wrong. when youre looking at a bunch of insurance shit, or fooking technical computer shit for that matter, its hard to tell if its right or wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


this not the same as the loan originator hahahaha. who may SOMETIMES sell the servicing rights to fannie mae, who now becomes the servicer. ok.

” Allegations included foreclosures being processed with missing or questionable paperwork (including paperwork showing proper chain of title on the part of the investment bank), falsifying dates and other information in foreclosure documents and “robo-signing,” the practice of paying under-qualified personnel to sign hundreds or thousands of foreclosure documents a day, often without properly reviewing the documents.[5]   ”

robo signing hahaha I could see myself getting into some of that! doing shady unethical gotcha j00ish take the money and run shit that you dont even understand hahahaha. you dont even KNOW youre screwing people. just sign this. oh you didnt read the fine print goy. YOU AGREED TO THIS WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT GOY.

when you didnt really agree to shit because it was impossible to understand hahaha.

PRINCE died today? holy shit. obviously I have not been watching news since like 11 am.

people on twitter are so stupid and black hahahaha. i am just looking at top hashtags. once was for prince dying, but the top one was for Amy, a 15 year old black gurl beaten to death at a skool while other people recorded it for a viral video. they say gurls were fighting over some Boy. probably some alpha male black thug who had casually fooked tons of 15 year old high school gurls, hahahaha. theyre black AND degenerate. not all blacks are degen but most are.

but yeah i can appreciate prince even though he is degenerate too. had some good songs. I would not minded have seeing a concert. never did. now never will.

was of course curious how he died. age 57. didnt really look like it. was skinny. maybe he did coke. wouldnt be surprised.

i mean yeah you say what what did he do recently. he was releasing like an album a year thats what. he was one of those guys. and i guess now that hes dead they will go back and inflate the ratings of his last 20 albums nobodys ever heard of hahaha.

but yeah its sad shit. i still want that woman in my life and i am still Grieving. I didnt want her to leave. I sure didnt want it to end like that. I wanted to Share The Passages of My Life with her. grow old with her haha. this was clearly the type of luv that lifelong luv is built from. i dont want to marry someone or have children with someone unless it feels like that. it wouldnt be fair to THEM hahaha.  and its so hard to believe I will ever meet somebody that perfect ever again. hahaha no she wasnt perfect but i accepted all her faults.

just such a difficult complicated situation. seems tailor made to be as difficult to get over as possible hahaha. I cant hate her, i cant blame her, i cant stop wanting her, its just sad sad sad sad for months and months and years. no anger, i forgive her, i just cant stop wanting her, my life is diminished without her, its just a long time of suffering and pain and grief.

maybe she will go on tinder and sell herself CHEAP. maybe she wont. it could go either way. maybe she wont. and that makes it even harder. knowing that an honestly decent amazing special important woman has just decided that she is better off without you and has you surgically removed from her life like a TUMOR or an aborted fetus.

wish i had a harvard masters degree like peter steele and could get a sweet job with the NYC parks department hahaha. shit he might have even got a PENSION from that job. and if he could be a bipolar alcoholic and hold down the job, anybody could!

also I think he was working there when he wrote the early TON albums and possibly the carnivore stuff. in other words, he was writing REALLY GOOD albums while FT working at a sweet job. now thats a good life!

but he always had trouble with women it seemed. picking the worst women. or maybe the worst women picked him and he was powerless to resist them. i mean women pick men not the other way around. but if any man had SOME semblance of CHOICE, it would be a tall sexy man like him.

april 22

two typing/clerical/assessment tests tomorrow for city / muni jobs tomorrow. hopefully that puts me in some kind of POOL for future consideration and I dont have to take a 2 hour test for every single city job I apply for.

but again I kinda like the tests better than the interviews. no kinda about it. yes i do much prefer the tests. because i am better at tests than interviews. i got an A in calculus 2 hahahaha and computer science 2 and accounting 2.

I’m also jealous of all these people that have BALLS OF STEEL to be able to HACK IT in the call center, when I was not.

And thats the funny thing. she doesnt particularly have BALLS OF STEEL. she runs away from tough conversations. there were plenty of nice, soft people there who werent particularly TOUGH drill seargeant types. my male friend there was a very sensitive unmasculine untough super friendly guy. how do all of them have the super confidence needed to survive at a CALL CENTER hahaha.

in other words, maybe I can survive the call center when SHES not there. probably thats right, I could.

so I SHOULDNT be turning down this well paying call center job Im being offered with TempAgency01.

But I just sent a THIRD email to the recruiter hahaha. this time cc’ed the other manager on the project who is possibly higher up and or more connected to the client than the recruiter is.

i am worried this will blacklist me from ANY jobs with this agency, but it will probably blacklist me less than a no call no show. but I already sent two damn emails saying the same

awww sheeit now I got a CALL from that recruiter saying that maybe I am misunderstanding and I should go to the training at least to get a better idea. I said thank you for the concern and the clarification, I did have a not so great experience at a Call Center and I really don’t want to return to that environment.

so they are having me speak to a lead recruiter who should be calling me right baout now to discuss more details of the job.

i guess the best i can do is be honest about what i didnt like about muh old job. be brutally honest and  also how i can still be a good boy for the staffing agency if i ragequit this assignment hahahaha.

i wonder if she called me because i cc’d the other person hahaha. that got her attention REAL QUICK.

and i wonder if they are being so nice to me because they are salespeople trying to close the deal, get me in the job, equals commission for them.

ok fine they talked me into it. both of the women were very nice hahaha. i could be sold into my own death by nice acting women hahahaha. but the Lead Recruiter was very well recommended on linkedin and went to a good college hahahahaha. and was very good on the phone.

Also I know better than to send emails or make calls at 4:50 pm on a friday hahahaha. or any day really. all my communication with them was finished before 2 pm. on friday hahahaha.

well…shit starts in 10 days. 10 days i start making money, answering calls in the call center. have to last at least a year to not look like a job hopper hahahaha.

well heres the thing. I could probably still use the Temp Agency to find a temp job at least.

if it turns out That Woman is now working at this place, I can say to the temp, yep not a good fit, find me something else. Cuz for like 4 months at least I would be technically employed by the temp, not the client.

Shit they talked me into it. I mean its good money, and if I can survive, it COULD be a good confidence builder. I WAS getting more confident at my stupid help desk call center job BEFORE things started getting bad with the woman. then THAT decreased my confidence for work related matters, and was a terrible vicious circle which simply would not exist at this new place.

it is a huge place which the recruiter assured me had won award for excellence for the past 8 years hahaha.

well this usually means they have really good METRICS. really i dont give a SHIT about metrics, i care about really, honestly, genuinely FIXING shit and giving good advice to people. period. and if it costs too much to fix the shit, I will tell them that, but my level 2s need to tell ME that, so I have an idea of what kind of shit is too expensive to fix.

there was terrible COMMUNICATION at the last place. between levels, between departments, between locations, between us and the callers.

heh. kinda like the terrible communication between me and her.

oh shit i gotta take clerical tests tomorrow.

also, if I can survive at this job, it would be a great boost of CONFIDENCE which I would REALLY appreciate. Also it would allow me to essentially get good “revenge” on her, meaning: my confidence wasnt so permanently destroyed by her, that I couldn’t even work in that FIELD ever again. that is: i can do the WORK, i just dont want to be around HER. I dont want my crazy reaction to HER to destroy my WORK SKILLS.

well im taking a big risk to prove something to myself. and what if i fail and break down again hahaha.

well at least i TRIED. then I REALLY know I should stay away from the call center.


and SHES DOING IT NOW!!!!!!!!

tons of people who are NOT VERY SMART and NOT VERY TOUGH are doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!

and i still have plenty of valium. and half the 10 people they are hiring are black hahahaha. i hate being inferior to blacks, and i especially hate being inferior to women who have harshly dumped me.

ok ok ok if its super horrible, I will use the temp agency to find an easy data entry job that pays like 12 DAH. noting in my cover letter my desire to get out of my job as soon as possible, will take a big pay cut, just get me out of there.

god damn. just received rejection letter from like a 13 dollar an hour county office clerk job. I was cautiously optimistic on that one. no interview. no tests. just a rejection. shit i think all jobs should have all their seekers take some kind of damn skills test. excel, word, customer service, decision making. then call in the people who did well on the tests.

give it a try for 6 months, and if i dont like it, i can blow my brains out then hahahahahahhahahahaha.

no i am kidding. i will just ragequit and then beg one of these two temp agencies for a Data Entry job for 10 bucks an hour. available immediately. i really cant handle call centers.

maybe make a contact with one of the black techs to buy MJ from them hahahahaha.

i am absolutely sure people from my old job left there to go to this job. but i cant remember who. i know one guy was THINKING of leaving, went to the training, and then ultimately decided to stay with our shitty job. i dont know why. he was a nice guy but i think the job was getting to him and he was becoming stressed and despairing. he was always shy and quiet and as time went on he became more shy and quiet in the bad way.  he had a useless degree in journalism or some shit with tons of student loans. he deserved much better even though he was a damn dirty leftist bernie voting swpl antiracist white guy hahaha. as things at work got more ridiculous, he channeled his rage into growing an absolutely ridiculous nietzscheesqe moustache which I complimented him on several times and which he accepted very awkwardly. he was very socially awkward even though he worked in a CALL CENTER and i think he also had a gurlfran. despite not being a masculine or charismatic man.  he was super skinny though. and not really tall. some gurls like super skinny guys. the worst is when you are not tall, but also not super skinny. like me. you have a potato shape and have to bust your ass not to bloat up into a potato. i will never be super skinny, i will have to WORK to not be Overweight. the curse of a potato body.

I mean I should give things TWO chances right? and this place will either be better, worse, or about the same, overall, as the old place. what is certain is that I will be making more money hahaha. And I had two recruiters encouraging me to go to the paid training after I had Frankly Expressed Reservations to both of them. So that really did convince me a bit.

But what if the other place calls me back soon? they might.

Well…..May 2nd, 10 days from now, a week from MONDAY, is the start date for the god damn job i am worried about. they said 17 DAH and I shouldnt be saying that, its confidential hahahaha. the other job is 13 DAH. however I am willing to give up 160 dollars a week, which is only 32 dollars a DAY goy. to have an easier, lower stress job.

weird feeling to express concerns about the job and then have somebody still encourage you to Try It. this is a JOB we’re talking about, not some weird exotic food. you would think, oh, you have the least bit of trepidation? ok then see ya, we’ll just find somebody who really wants it!

so to have someone offering you a job, you saying i really dont know, i dont like tech support call centers, i reallllllyyyyy dont know about this, and then saying come on, this one will be different, i dunno. i never had that happen before.

april 23

sheeeeit. spend a beautiful saturday taking assessment tests for municipal/city Clerk job. the first was a full time clerk job, 34k a year. there were about 40 people taking this test. it had 65 multiple choice questions and one “written portion”, where you simply write a revised edition of a rather unprofessionally written memo. no typing, no excel, no computers. they did the test with booklets and paper and pencils. The whole thing could have been done online, on your computer, which would have been more fair to the People rearranging their schedules to take the stupid test.

there were analogies, definitions of words. ambition is to success as intention is to _______. immediately I thought “action”, then looked at the choices. there was action and there was also decision. I thought, well, decision could work too. since technically it could go intention leads to decision which then leads to action.

i also realized i didnt know the meaning of “obligatory.” I didnt know if it meant necessary or unnecessary! I tink I was confusing it with “Gratuitous.” meaning something you dont HAVE to do, but it would be REALLY NICE if you DID do it, but not technically MANDATORY. well, turns out it IS mandatory. good thing I changed my answer to that.

there was a section with 11 sentences. you had to determine the order the sentences should go in. that was pretty tough.

stuff with putting numbers and words in order, all of them deliberately tricky, like 77.177 vs 71.117 etc.

checking the copy vs the original and saying are there 0,1,2,3 or 4 errors here.


heh. try this inflation calculator. see how much 34000 is in 1970 dollars.

that took almost the full 2 hours. maybe 1 hour and 45 minutes. i figure 3 or 4 people out of 40 will get an interview. then one lucky prick gets the sweet 34k a year entry level job. that or they are just going through the motions and already know whose cousin or daughter is going to get the job hahahaha.

i was one of the last people to finish. hope they werent counting that against us. I am a really slow test taker. this is bad because slow is bad hahaha.

then I went and smoked a cig and waited for the next test to begin in like 30 minutes.

this was for a part time clerk job that pays 13 dollars an hour.

there was about 25 people taking this test. not that many people were taking both tests. there was a neet looking man taking the test for the 13 DAH PT job. he was wearing a SUIT and had a ponytail long hair and goatee. looked like a real help desk type. top speed video card in his gaming machine. must have forgot his fedora at home. prob has a darwin or FSM sticker on his foriegn car hahahaha

anyway he finished way before me. 90% of people finished before me. this test seemed even more ridiculous, especially considering what it was for. i think some people say FOOK THIS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME and just got up and left. why am I wasting 2 hours of a beautiful saturday, to try to get in the top 10% of this stupid ridiculous test, so I can have an interview, and have 70% chance of not getting, a 13 dollar an hour part job for prob no more than 25 hours a week?

there was like one sort of cute somewhat younger girl, maybe about 25. I should have Asked Her Out hahahaha but nobody was that social in the test taking room. anyway she finished WAY before me.

its not like I was finishing early and then taking a long time to double check answers. there was no double checking.

this one was 100 questions, no written portion. it probably was more excruciating than the first test…..and for a much worse paying job.

shit like:

HH: 555555SSSSS555555SS5S5S5S5S5S555S5S5SSS555SSSS5555SS

II: 5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS5555SSS55SS55S5S555SSSSS55555SS5S5

JJ: SSS5S5S5S5S555S555SSS555SS5S5S5S5555SS5S555SSS555SS55S

KK: 5S5S5S5S5S5SSSS555SSS5555SS5S5SS55S5S5S5S555S5S55SSS5

which set has the least number of 5’s?

which set has the highest number of S’s?

which 2 sets have equal numbers of 5’s?

that was especially ridiculous and I think might have signalled the start of FOOK THIS SHIT walkouts.

and then there were another 4 or 5 sets of 3’s and 8’s hahahaha.

all on very shitty xerox.

also sets of 4 or 5 numbers where you had to determine how many of them WERE exactly the same.

93745740 vs 93747540

04058261 vs 04058261

59204852 vs 59204852

29375041 vs 29357041

and so on.

and then you have to say two rows are exactly the same.

and then like 5 questions like that and you are starting to get dyslexic. if you’re not already dyslexic, and lots of people ARE, then you will be.

but if you are even a little dyslexic, you will not pass this test. no 13 dollar an hour, 25 hour a week job for you, ya dyslexic loser!!!!

also took almost the full 2 hours on this one. there was about 2 or 3 out of 25 people still there when i left.

its just funny. 13 dollars an hour was 4.20 an hour in 1980.  did you have rooms of 25 people taking a ridiculous 100 question test, of which the 3 or 4 highest scores get an interview, and one lucky prick gets that cadillac job, did it work like that in 1980?

shit. now im hoping temp agency 2 calls me back with the 13 dollar an hour “data entry” job rather than forcing me to take the 17 dollar an hour Call Center job, hahahaha.  i’ll do it for 12 dollars hahaha.

trying to psych myself up to do social appearance at pub tonight, saturday night. it would be nice gesture for the guy’s birthday. but it gets so busy there on weekends, like really packed. and people might pressure me to do karaoke like everyone else. im not against doing karaoke but i cant decide a god damn song. i mean it helps if you do a song everybody knows. not fooking weird carnivore and type o negative songs hahaha.

but i am kinda curious if there will be any qt gurls there, there probably will be. and i have a morbid obsession that That Woman might be there, even though she never went to bars, which was part of why i liked her. But she has good chance of becoming more slutty and social now. prob going out to bars and going out wiht all her new friends.

but this is not a well known bar, i think i mentioned it to her once and she had never heard of it. but maybe she goes there. its not well known, its kind of in the middle of nowhere, but on weekend it gets PACKED with white rednecks, my type of people in other words.

heh. times like this i wish I could still drink. like get drunk on a saturday night once in a while. like normies do!

maybe if i didnt have to drive.

or if i lived in amsterdam or colorado and could just order a fat spliff instead of drinking hahaha.

do they do recreational MJ in washington state?

washington dc its allowable, you just cant SELL it. so you have to GIVE it to people. be like here’s your free bag of weed and your 50 dollar……candy bar. cup of coffee.

recreational marijuana use is fully legal in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington and the District of Columbia.

i mean it will probably happen in my state in the next 10 years.

i mean there is a less than 1% chance the woman will be at this bar. but chances are she is fooking new guys who want her to go out to new places. but even when she was fooking her short term n199er bf who she was in love with, she didnt want to go to parties and bars with him, which is prob part of why he cheated on her hahahaha.  well i didnt think cheating was even possible when nobody owns each other hahaha.

empco. that was the name of the company that did the second test today. can’t remember anything on the first test. i think it was a diff company from the looks of it.

WHY call in 20 to 40 people for one day only, print up dozens of test booklets, etc, when they could have done ALL this online? because that would have made the barrier to entry lower. the people who didnt WANT it as bad could have still conveniently taken the test.

but isnt it CHEAPER to do it online, i mean for the employer?

so why not do something thats cheaper?

you would be amazed that for harping about cutting costs and increasing productivity and efficiency, many companies do things that are BLATANTLY stupid and inefficient. because of politics, beauracracy, red tape, chains of command, approval. they might save money in the long run, but not in the short run. and the short run is the only thing that matters. thats what i know about business hahahaha.

i mean really i am having second thoughts about going out. i mean it is literally so packed and busy that you cant sit down, its loud and noisy, conversation is hard enough. if you like doing drinking and karaoke its one thing. i used to like doing those things. but………i mean i will see this guy later in the week, i can buy him a drink then!!!!

but theres a .0000001% chance SHE will be there!!!


that is the LAST reason I SHOULD go!

really i SHOULD go. just go for the guys birthday. it will be a fun change of pace. this is how people meet their wives. i mean SOME decent women go to this place. and some indecent women hahahaha. i might not mind that either.

shit. it might be different if i were going with a friend rather than showing up there. or going to a small house party. i like those.

i could probably get a medical MJ card by saying that because of the meds i take for my despair, a side effect of those is nausea, or muscle spasms. boom.

now do i need to give them medical history? sometimes yes, the less shady the MJ 420 dr is.

i mean it COULD be on the ballot THIS november if enough signatures are collected by…june 1.

need to get 60000 more legit signatures out of 250000 in the next….37 days. they are taking donations and using “professional signature getters” they are paying. and of course also taking volunteers. I should volunteer hahaha.

well i was also thinking of going to the training for this call center job, because the training is valuable. there is no free training materials available on the internet. you gotta pay 1000 bucks to take a call center training class. I have a call center textbook now so that is kewl, but there needs to be more books like that, and websites for the poor shmucks answering the phones and trying to solve problems AND figure out what to say. there is nothing for these people on the whole wide internet. i am tempted to go to the training and just be REALLY difficult.

like really GRILL the trainers. like who are YOU. i want to see you take a phone call right now. get some phones in this training room right now. then we go around all the new people and everyone gets their turn in the hot seat. but they have An Experienced Level 2 with them every step of the way. do this. do that. look this up. here’s what this means. say this. explain it this way. this is happening because of this. tell them this, because this. ok ok let me take over here. basically have 2 people on the call, and have everyone watch and learn as the experienced person held the hand / acted as training wheels for the newbie. We would see their screen and hear their call. after their call, they would breathe a sign of relief, and not have to go up again for 10 calls, and could watch the other newbs.

its like every call is being called up to do a problem on the board in front of the class. except you do that all day. with shittiest help and guidance.

and I would be difficult and asking fookloads of questions from the very first day of training: how do i search cases? can we do that training method I said above? why not? it’s fookin brilliant. hire me right now as a trainer.

they did not do that with my previous job. they had the classroom and then we looked at the systems. but the classroom was NOT SET UP TO TAKE PHONE CALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then we went out on the floor to Shadow people. but some of these people were good and some not so good. because there was no ongoing training after your first shitty training period. you just grew up like a feral child.

it would help a lot to have newbs take calls while being actively guided by several experienced trainers who could help them every step of the way. and train us with 1000 calls that way. hahaha. or at least 100.

but that would make too much SENSE.

whenever there is something that is written unclearly, IE every knowledge base article, shit that brings up more questions than it answers, i’ll say, well, this is unclear and misleading. who writes these. how can we update them. is there a talk page for this, or can we make edits, like wikipedia? who CHECKS this stuff? is this stuff proven to work? is this really a BEST practice? i want stuff that is approved by people who actually answer phones and do stuff, not level 3 phaggots who havent taken a call ever.

give us simple clear steps, not a 9000 page thing. give us a few sentences of plain english we can explain to the caller. we shouldnt need a manual for the manual when we are trying to figure stuff out FAST. reading confusing instructions for the first time and pretending like we are an expert.

Trainers? when was the last time you pretty boys took a CALL? give me a level 1 person who’s survived a year on PHONES and have THEM train us.

yeah i had a bad experience with the Last Call Center, and I didnt want to come here either, but 2 recruiters told me to give the training a chance, plus I didnt have to interview for a job that pays 17 bucks an hour, when for other 13 dollar an hour part time office clerk jobs which are WAY easier, I ahve to take a 2 hour test just to have a 2% chance at getting the job.  i really dont want to be here unless you convince me this is a good place that isnt managed like shit.

there needs to be COMMUNICATION between everybody. there cant be these big secrets where the smart people figure it out and find the hidden knowledge, while the Dumb Level 1’s flail and drown and blind leading the blind, throwing spaghetti at wall, throwing darts blindfolded. FOOK YOU I QUIT.

and if the 13 dollar an hour excel data entry job calls me back during the training, I’m leaving your 17 dollar an hour call center job.

but its 17 dollars an hour! thats more money than i have ever made, and more than I made with the last job.

more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!!! I would LOVE to make more than SHE makes!!!!!!!!!

but I would also be ok with a less stressful job with no phones and less service, at 13 dollars an hour.

why is every fookin job a HELP DESK CALL CENTER JOB????

they pay all right, but why the fook cant I just get a boring routine data entry job for 13 bucks an hour? how come I dont get offers coming up to me saying they will hire me for that without an interview???!?!?!?!

yet I can get a 17 dollar an hour job without an interview????????!?!?!?!?!?!?

but its in the one thing that strikes insane fear and dread and panic into my heart???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

why is GOD PUNISHING me like this??!?!?!?!?!

just BLESS me with a easy, boring, low stress 13 dollar an hour job! 12 dollars! you can keep you 17 dollars!

yeah not going out. they go out too LATE anyway. i dont want to be leaving the house at 9 pm or later!!!!!



april 11

where your job is like a constant test, and you have to study outside of work to prepare for that test. do homework for work. where your job is to FIGURE STUFF OUT but you have no idea if its right, and people are counting on you to make sure its right. you might be able to slap some shit together and bullshit about it, but how do you make sure its right???!!! you’d feel a lot more comfortable having a Higher Up check your work, approve it, sign off…..but there’s no time to do that.

i should have taken more valium on the job and tried to stop worrying so much.

even though i exercise a lot NOW, I still worry about THAT job too much!!!!! im not even there and i worry about it!!!

prob because I worry about being sucked into a similar job. like this help desk job that the recruiter is offering me right now. did it have to be help desk. aka service desk. aka technical support. aka CALL CENTER.

some tech people arent expected to resolve shit. they just ROUTE shit, transfer shit. there is actually a tier 0. wow. well, our tier 1 was more harcore than some companies tier 2. our tier 1 would try to resolve shit that in other companies would have gotten escalated 20 minutes ago.

other companies say, its a POLICY: go ahead and escalate if you can’t resolve this within 20 minutes.

i cant believe im still thinking about this!!!! it doesnt even concern me any more!

but i am legit worried abotu having to go BACK to such a job.

and i hate that SHE handles the job, I can’t handle the job, and she didnt say A SINGLE WORD to me when I left the job.

yep gonna have to discuss these things with the shrink tomorrow. and def what i should do about the potential upcoming help desk job.

its like taking a class where there is no instructor and there are no lessons, only tests. no textbook either. and whatever useful information you can find, is very difficult to find, and you dont know which information is useful and which is not, because you have no frame of reference. you do stuff in the documentation until a higher up says dont do that, the documentation’s wrong. well what DO I do then? sometimes you have to ask them that because htey wont tell you, and unless you’re working on that project right now, you’ll forget to ask.

ok, dont do this….then what DO i DO? the person is waiting on hold for me to DO SOMETHING!!!!! and i have no idea what to do!!!! should I just do something technical and bullshit about it? like run the Company Field Setup Script Program and be like yeah it just needs to set itself up again. yep pretty much. oh reboot your main computer that will fix it every time. memory issues. ntfs errors. cant be fixed. corrupt install. its not talking to the database. gotta rip it out and reinstall it, thatll fix it.

these “solutions” address incidents aka issues, but do nothign about PROBLEMS. they completely ignore root cause altogether. we needed a LOT more emphasis on Root Cause Analysis. and that needed to be written into the articles.

valentinas hot sauce from guadalajara mexico. its not fancy, there is probably lead in it. but it tastes real good. not expensive either, like 2 bucks a bottle.

ok its monday better start sending out the resumes. try to do at least 5 or 6. its amazing i have not gotten called for any interviews yet hahahaha. i will be very ready to go to gym at like 7 pm tonight.

Lathe Operator rejected for this position within 30 minutes to an hour. so many people work as Machinists and Machine Operators but these are the ones that reject me the quickest. well i respect their professionalism and expediency in rejecting me hahahahaha.

i might have been a pretty good Machine Operator hahaha. apparently they teach this in some high schools. so you can get out of HIGH SCHOOL and immediately start making 15 DAH at age 18 as a Full Time Machinist. Wow i can even imagine that world. that normie world. kind of like being in a real relationship with a woman for more than 3 months ahahahaha. where you hang out and cuddle regularly and they talk to you when they dump you and try to dump you nicely hahahaha.

ok mother fooker, got in 11 applications today, thats good enough hahahahahahahahahahahaha

you should have seen the 110+ questions I got from this other hospital system. there was ridiculous personality stuff but also just weird stuff that i couldnt decipher, but probably measured how much you need your HAND HELD and how many MISTAKES you make. basically, do it FAST, do it RIGHT, do it without HELP, and if you like clear instructions…..you are not a team player.


also dont BUG your coworkers and especially your MANAGER with questions.


but work FAST on MULTIPLE tasks at the same time and dont make MISTAKES. you should have PLANNED better and not made those mistakes, without asking for help or clear instructions. just do the shit. show initiative and GET YOUR OWN TRAINING if you think you need training.

how can SHE do all this but I cant? how can normies do all this but I can’t???!?!?!?!?!

why dont the same hr experts who write these bullshit tests also write bullshit books for the perplexed job seekers that dont know how to do these things?

how do normies do their jobs? I wish I were as SMART and TOUGH as a NORMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wasnt taking the questionnaire seriously at all. maybe they can tell I was FAKING. hahaha

if i were an attractive young woman like her, i wouldnt have any problem getting a job hahahaha.

show me some SYMPATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

show me ANYTHING!!!!!

yeah i am kinda angry at her because I would have never even gotten that stupid job without her input hahaha. show show a little CONCERN for me when I QUIT the job. show a little concern for me when you QUIT Me.

now I never said that my quitting of the job was related to her. I was unclear about that, to her. I felt it would be Classless to say “I did this because of you.” so I of course never said that. that would be bad. that would look like i was blaming her. she didnt care if I thought she was blaming me!!!!! while I wanted to be CAREFUL to not BLAME her for anything. to her stupid idiot whorish face i mean. shit yeah it was her fault I quit the job hahaha. but i knew it would be immature and not entirely true to blame her. so i didnt. I just was circumspect and said yeah I am having some personal issues here and had to take a leave of absence. that would be a perfect time for her to respond and express some concern, but noooooooooooooooooo. she was THAT offended that I could POSSIBLY get horrible awful FEELINGS for her!!!!!!

well i wanted to get out of the job of course. but not like this! not like this!

hospitals will not even let you use Nicotene Gum. its a Nicotene product. not eligible for hire if you are chewing Nico Gum or using a Vape to try to Quit Smoking. Nope. Not good enough.

I mean yeah I could even pass a nicotene test. I would just worry about the desire to start Smoking more once getting a Job. Then you take Smoke Breaks of course hahahaha. at my previous job people would prob just quit the job if it became a nicotene free workplace. it was a very pro smoking environment hahahah. the work made people want to smoke like chimneys. oh god that was a horrible time, i need a cig after that one!!!!!!!

I tried to smoke no more than 3 or 4 cigs throughout the work day.


some bullshit about job personality tests bullshit

everything is bullshit hahahaha

jobs, women, the bullshit women you have bullshit children and create bullshit families with, its all bullshit hahahahaha

they say theres no such thing as dumb questions and that its a sign of strength to ask for help when you need it……

…..but ALL JOBS view asking for help as a sign of weakness and stupidity. this is probably why people hate to ask for help. because their jobs brainwash them into thinking asking for help is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

shit I wish I had saved a copy of these stupidass test questions. they really were measuring how you solve unclear problems without asking for help and without making mistakes. several at once. and quickly.

why dont they teach this in school? they really dont. I thought schools were supposed to produce good little worker bees making just the bare minimum so that they didnt riot. their jobs are their bread and circus. but nooooooo.

so yeah i am angry. she has no impact. no consequences. her life gets better and better. my life gets worse and worse. she doesnt care about any of this. she had no emotional investment. i mean nothing to her. she could just cut me out of her life SO EASILY. I didnt MATTER to her AT ALL.

that does not sound like the person I came to know and love! she was so kind and nice and good and nice! At that time, she was one of the NICEST people i’d ever met! I liked having a young woman be SUPER NICE to me. I like it when people are genuinely nice to me. and she was genuinely nice.

BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!!! hahahaha.

it would have been easier if she were just a disgusting whore. at least that I have prepared for. I have conceived of it. well she probably is in the process of BECOMING a disgusting whore.  who BECOMES a whore at age 24/25? .01% of women. like her hahahaha. i do pick unique women. they are horrible in very different unique ways hahaha.



but she’s not REALLY a “BITCH”……….

yeah well fook you. maybe not but she was really bitchY to me, when it REALLY MATTERED.

its so fookin stupid. here i am at bla bla years old, cant handle the stuff that happens in LIFE.  LIFE@!!!!!!

god damn dumb bitch. you just dont do this to people. we had an important friendship or relationship, whether you want to admit it or not.

fook. it was like trying to find waldo……but you don’t know what waldo looks like.  day in day out. and you dont get any better at finding waldo. actually finding waldo is EASY. doing what we did was COMPLICATED. finding waldo is not COMPLICATED or CONFUSING. you just simply find the needle in the haystack. you know what the needle looks like. you know what the haystack looks like. imagine finding a needle in a haystack where what the needle and the haystack looks like keeps changing.

april 12

damn. rejection letter from credit union records representative job. looked like a great job with no excessive customer facing, and some precise tasks that probably had semi clear instructions hahaha. i wasnt hopeful, but….I felt like the job might be the closest thing to a “GOOD FIT” for a person like me.

come on mother fookers. i have about TWO HUNDRED college credits. hahahahaha. I am almost THREE TIMES as educated as SHE was hahahaha.

MUSIC IS FOR PHAGGOTS.  Real Men have too much stress in their lives to enjoy degenerate shit made by degenerate hedonist bipolar drunkards. more accurately, how can you Enjoy Music when you have much more Important, Big, Stressful, Adult Responsibilities to worry about?

I mean it seems like a soft, fluffy, bourgeois luxury. It seems IMMATURE. people who have REAL lives and REAL jobs and REAL RESPONSIBILITIES cant afford to WASTE their brains on MUSIC. It seems immature and degenerate, like MJ. youre wasting your brain and taking the low road.

I can see thinking this about MJ, but it seems SAD to think that about MUSIC! What’s WRONG with Music ?!?!?!?!?!

Well I would agree its not as inherently bad as MJ. but there are a lot of risks. you dont want to listen to degenerate shit like I did, like so many people do.  90% of music is degenerate and not worth listening to.

I thought it was COOL how SHE listened to a lot of MUSIC, music was a big common point with us. She really liked music, I really liked music, or at least USED to, and I knew enough about the music she listened to, to talk to her about music for hours. and she was interested in long geeky conversations about music. It was something we really bonded over.

Of course, she didn’t know shit about the trve kvlt black metal and a lot of the metal I enjoy(ed), but that doesnt matter, she’s a woman, I don’t expect or really WANT a woman to be into metal. big red flag there. when I was young I thought it would be cool to find a gurl who likes metal. now I realize it would be horrible!

anyway she would listen to music all day at the job because she was allowed to because she didnt have a phone job. I was jealous of all these people who listened to music all day and didnt have to answer phone calls all day. god damn soft music listeners.

then when I got moved to a non phone job, and had the chance to listen to music all day myself…..I couldnt do it. I was so worried about screwing up, that I felt music would be a huge distraction, and it would make me screw up.

when really it might have calmed me down. Made me worry less. soothed the savage beast. helped me go with the flow. and maybe that was what SHE got out of listening to music on the job. that if she didnt, she would be a basket case like me.

but I just couldnt “SURRENDER” to the music like that.

also the situation with HER was causing me worry and stress too. without that, I prob would have just llistened to music and done a non-perfectionist normie job.

BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! hahahaha.

getting into the hateful angry phase now haha.

degen music. lately I have been interested in type o negative. because I was a big fan when I was a young degen. So now I come back to those albums, and also check out the albums I missed: world coming down, and dead again. not really interested in life is killing me. gonna skip that one.

there are some great songs here, but again my mind is divided. I am too worried about other shit to really FOCUS on and GET INTO the music. For example, there is a ridic good Riff in the middle of the title song “world coming down”.  Catchy and black sabbathy, not really a “goth” part, but TON had plenty of Slow Sabbathy riffs as well, and this is one of them.

I really enjoy the riff and thankfully its repeated a lot, but its STILL not enough to get my mind off more important shit. like jobs and being an adult hahahaha. which is legit important!!!!

but when I have had a semi productive day, doing 11 job apps, then I’m in the Gym and just want to burn 1000 calories and try to enjoy some music…..then I would like to Shift Gears!

its kind of like how I could never leave the work mindset at work. always brought it home by worrying about it. studying it. obsessively. waking up in the middle of the night, thoughts racing about work confusion.

i didnt have ANY of this with my job before that!!!!!

shit i wish i had never left it.  then I would have had a better chance of getting the higher up job that opened up there like 9 months after I left. which I interviewed for, had a good chance at…..but did not get. lost out to a guy who still worked there. so if i still worked there, maybe I would have gotten it.

then when the shit hit the fan, I reapplied for my old job and wrote manager an email, but they never responded. probably because they know that I am too old to be working such a job, and that I stayed too long the first time! so giving me the job is ENABLING me in not moving forward with my life!

well, it’s better than being completed UNEMPLOYED, and it was better than the other job. but the other job was more serious. more of an adult real job. well fook it. i couldnt handle it.

yet SHE can!!!! BITCH!!! BTICH!!!!

I HATE being WEAKER than HER!!!!

she is TOUGHER and STRONGER than me, and doesnt HAVE to show the weak piece of shit any kindess or sympathy and luv! the weak don’t DESERVE luv from the the strong!!!!!

strong men also cry lebowski hahahahahaha.

multitasking. you better have at LEAST TEN browser tabs AND TEN documents open at all times.

yeah I would have about 12 browser tabs open: intranet, case notes, a second case notes, knowledge base, main employee homepage, employee lookup tool, this other tool, another tool.

about 5 excel sheets in there.

a couple pdfs.

a couple of text files.

hehehehe even NOW I have like 10 text files open at all times::

what to say during the interview

job search notes (places applied, brief cover letters, ideas, addresses, references, etc)

cover letter april 2016

resume april 2016

unofficial undergrad transcript

questionnaire for prospective wife

positive affirmations about self

user names

general post it notes overflow (computer desktop sticky notes)

passwords hahahaha

ok some of those i dont really need open at all times. i admit it. im a fraud hahahaha. i could close some of them which I havent used in weeks.

but on the job, you NEVER know when you are gonna get a call and need one of those files. best to have it open. unless it really slows your computer down. because even though RAM is cheap…..it still costs money. gotta trim the fat goy.

shit I will buy my own RAM if it speeds up the shitty work computer. just like I buy my own pens and post it notes and notecards and notepads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well you can do that but you cant put anything into the computers goy

when you END a relationship, try to do it in a way that you can be not angry or ashamed about it in the long term.

maybe she feels terrible guilt, and she will express that by being a whore.

express it by being super nice to the NEXT guy and making him a lucky man hahaha.

be super nice to shitty men, and be super shitty to nice, good men.

well she used to be super nice to me, and I was a nice decent guy. that was nice.

it was like we had something SPECIAL. hahahaha.

when you have something SPECIAL, you dont throw it away like garbage. you are sorta sad when it ends.

REJECTED from data entry specialist / admin asst job. second rej letter of the day hahahaha.


I just saw a warehouse posting that said “THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF COMPANY WHICH HIRES JOB HOPPERS. You MUST have 2 years of recent experience and be able to provide letters of recommendation from managers” hahahaha.

its so hard NOT to be a job hopper!!!!!

ok got my 10 jobs in today. 3 were at the same place hahaha a large health care org.

the best revenge is to live well. so now i feel like i COMPETING against her to live a better life, IE have a better job and make more money than her. And I feel THATS a losing battle too. I can’t have HER, and I can’t have as much success and money as she has.

she is not some kind of Lean In Leader Bosslady with wharton mba either. no ivanka trump hahaha. She is not getting Phds or Masters degrees like some other bitches I pseudodated. She is an MJ smoking, sort of white trash, wrong side of the tracks, fatherless, passive, quiet, introverted, shy, and I have literally 3 times as much college as her hahahaha. she is terrible at problem solving, and communication, and making decisions, and being a leader. yet she can brutally reject me, AND live a better life than me. damn. i hate that.

SHE JOB HOPPED TOO!!!!!!!!!! SHE QUIT JOBS SHE DIDNT LIKE!!!!! she went crazy and quit jobs!!!!! just walked away!!!!!! but not sure if she ever did that after age 20 hahahaha.

i did it at age 23, then again at age 30+. got a DUI at age 26. was unemployed for much of age 24 and 25. which is the age she is now hahahaha.

this is the textbook definition of wasting your 20’s hahaha. I would have liked to be married and have at least 1 kid by now!!!!

well she will be getting her layoff soon. so she will either use the time to simply find a new and better job; and move up up up; its so simple and easy for other people but not me, when you have emotional problems and a 9 month gap and a job hopper and just huge red flags. i have huge red flags but not her.  I really was a VERY GOOD employee at my last 2 jobs. I went crazy at my job but I did VERY GOOD at it.


no im not gonna DO anything crazy or stupid or psycho. I am just calling her a BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!!!! I might not be entitled to much, but I AM entitled to that!!!!!!!

I may not be entitled to much of anything……but I am entitled to THAT.

trying to fit that into meat loaf song hahahahahahahahahhahaha

wawawawawawaw she might even get that joke because she knows enough music to know that meat loaf song. most women her age wouldnt wawawawawawawa. i would make awesome jokes all the time that went WAY over their heads. like with the bitch that became a successful phd professor. she didnt get my jokes AT ALL.

well it IS hard to make jokes that arent bitter and hateful against women hahahaha but I still have a few.

bitches give away HUGS promiscuously, they give away their CVNT promiscuously, etc, its all the same. just give their bodies away to anyone. thats why i dont like women who are always hugging everyone. might be a indicator of a slut. not always but sometimes. wawawaawawawawawaw she was not a big hugger of everyone, she hugged very exclusively, she even only hugged me just a few times but oh lord how I longed to cuddle with her!!!!!!!!!

I have been a lot more productive, which is good…..but i havent been any less hateful against HER. like oh she has a good job and she handles her job and SHE makes 15 DAH and I make 0 DAH etc. and she can throw me away AND be more successful than me, but I am 3 times more educated than her, I have actually a lot more job experience than her, and better traits than her in communication and brains, but she is WAYYYYY more successful than me. in an ideal world men wouldnt even be competing against WOMEN for money and jobs. its so unnatural and wrong. only in such a degenerate Jooified world is something this degenerate and morally reprehensible possible!

Men should be Making Families with Women, not competing against them for MONEY! SHEKELS!!!!!!!!!!

gee GOY I wonder who could be behind this??!?!?!?!


Hey I have been virulently counter-semitic since 2012 at the latest, it has nothign to do with being totally rejected by HER.

if anything, it had more to do with the rejection from the previous woman, where I said fook it, I dont care about not looking racist any more.

overall, that was a MUCH less painful and destructive rejection. a much, much BETTER rejection. i am not angry or hateful over her, in fact I am probably actually OVER her COMPLETELY, 4 years post rejection.

WOW THAT WAS 4 YEARS AGO??!?!?!?! well almost. 3.5 right now.

yes that was a much better rejection. she handled it very well, very maturely. she SPOILED me hahaha. i dont hate her, not angry at her, totally over her, i dont even care that she is a successful health care admin making 70 grand a year minimum with her masterz degree. good for her hahahaha. maybe her lesbian wife can stay at home and raise the kids hahahaha.

but I am angry when women who reject me outperform me career wise. I get over that anger in the long term but in the short term it sucks. like urrgggg that idiot is making so much money and respect than me! they dont deserve it!

in her case she really doesnt. to her credit shes not a total moron and she is a decent worker. but im not gonna give her any CREDIT, she didnt give ME any credit!!!!!!

yeah the company sucked and set everybody up for failure, you had to fight tooth and nail like I did to get anywhere. she doesnt have that Aggressive nature. not that I wanted her to be aggressive. I liked her to be sweet and gentle. I mean I am sweet and gentle too, but I was OBSESSED when it came to learning that stupid job. she was not nearly as obsessed. she didnt have piles of flashcards and pages of notes and she didnt study after hours.

shrink suggested she was very good at COMPARTMENTALIZING. leaving the work stuff at work. but she also Compartmentalized ME, and that did not feel good to me. nobody puts baby in a corner. just put me away in my box on the shelf. along with the work stuff. we used to be outside of work friends. really love being downgraded, demoted.

if youre gonna do that to me, at least talk to me about it. have enough respect and courage to appreciate that the person is gonna be upset, and that YOU are the cause of that.

i mean dumping isnt inherently bad, but it IS gonna hurt the dumpee, and the dumper CAN handle it bad.

also, abandoning somebody without a word IS inherently bad.

woman2012 handed the dumping like a CHAMP. woman2015 handled the dumping abysmally horribly.

dumping is not inherently bad, but it IS ALWAYS PAINFUL, and ABANDONING someone IS inherently bad.

what a great lesson. never could have told you that without going thru this hahahahaha.

i am being sarcastic hahaha.

HOLY SHIT I just got an email from the main mutual friend I had with THAT WOMAN. I hadn’t talked to mutual friend in ages but I was using them as a reference lately, PERHAPS in some subconscious effort to provoke THEM to contact ME< which they did, and I gave a “brief” version of the story. the mutual friend noted unprompted that she does not see that person at all any more, that she may “have a new group of friends.” this is not confirmed, and might just be the mutual friend being upset about being abandoned hahahaha. not confirmed that That Woman abandoned the mutual friend………but I wouldnt be surprised.



april 10

i was bored with franks red hot sauce, and switched to “valentinas mexican hot sauce”. it is a little thicker and a more exciting, less vinegary flavour. i like it. praise the LORD.

fook. i should write my own Business Communication Book. seriously. theres SUCH A VOID out there. I CANT BELIEVE no one has written this DEARLY NEEDED book. You could make a MILLION BUCKS.

write something for BEWILDERED, FLUSTERED level 1 tech support agents who don’t understand shit and have to constantly deal with shit they dnt understand, and try to explain things they dont understand.

it could be as easy and honest as saying, listen, honestly I dont understand this, so I can’t explain it to you.

the risk there is that they think youre WRONG that nothing can be done. which is fair. how do you know nothing can be done if you can’t explain why? isnt it possible that you the newb are MISSING something?

most often you are just relaying information from level 2 : “tell them it cant be fixed.” level 2 should be smart enough to know that kind of shit MAKES the caller want to speak with THEM.

so you say ok i can handle it….but you really cant.

the trick is to, at the end of the day, review all 20 or so of your new cases and figure out what questions you have, what didnt make sense at the time. and then MAKE SENSE out of it, make flashcards, make podcasts, so that you understand it before the next work day.

you have your 8-10 hours at work, then you have you HOMEWORK to learn and prepare for work, hahaha.

if you work 40 hours a week, try to study 10 hours outside of work for that.

if yu work 50 hours a week, shit. just say fook it, no studying, im here 50 hours a week.

if you work 30 hours a week, study like 6 hours a week, and better yet, do it there, so they can see you staying late. or early. whenever the manager is most likely to see you.


i heard that florida panhandle is super duper REDNECK. REDNECK is code for area where I want to live and want to raise my children, around friendly, gun-toting, politically incorrect, white people. redneck is best neck hahaha.

redneck means WHITE MAN COME HOME.

I wanna take my waifu and live in a really REDNECK area.

now i would want to be within 10 miles of community college where my children could learn professional and trade skills. and also maybe not too much of snake handling religious evangelicals. catholics would be just fine though. ok where do catholic rednecks live. or orthodox hahahaha.

there are a lot of white rednecks in the deep south but also a lot of blacks.

but plenty of white rednecks use meth and act like blacks hahaha. and other rednecks drink too much.  and what if they dont like me APPROPRIATING their cultcha hahahaha.

it doesnt matter. we are all whites. its not really appropriating hahaha.

i dont think the people who like my posts realize that i am an out and proud white racist.

tallahassee area might be ideal for me. but the redneck small towns outside of tallahassee. but close enough to the amenities of the big city, and far away enough from the diversity hahaha. also i like a good state university sometimes. a place where mah keeids can get a good stem or business or medical degree. ivy league might frown on FSU but its more than good enough for me and my kin.

plenty of lakes and forests in the area, redneck riviera nearby. come on. perfect.

nearby midway is 86% black hahahahaha. i looked at it because i thought great, a nice white suburb of the big black citay. hahahaha its 86% black. this is why it helps to be familiar with an area.

not that i hate blacks, but i just dont want to live in an 86% black area, and I bet many of the blacks there dont want to live there either.

well the street view looks like what we would call the COUNTRY. martin luther king blvd doesnt look at ALL what I expect MLK blvd to look like.  i mean it doesnt look that bad at all. it looks very liveinable!

also i didnt like that i was willing to help her with the job, but she wasnt willing to help me, and I seemed to need so much help, and she didn’t need ANY, yet, honestly, i was much BETTER and SMARTER than her. I didnt need help as much as I thought I did, and she needed much more help than she thought she did. she was way overconfident and i was way underconfident.

i needed emotional, moral support more than anything. cuz it was a fooking tuff job. i hated that it was so tuff for me, and so easy for her.

no it wasnt easy for her, but god damn it was super tuff for ME. and she got me the damn job hahahaha. i wouldnt have been there if she hadnt essentially offered and encouraged me to take the job. now she wasnt gonna help me with it hahaha. talk about a betrayal hahahaha. here get this horrible job and im not gonna help you with it even though you will need tons of help hahaha. no its not a technical betrayal but it just sucked balls. huge disappointment.

try to get some lumbar support on your back when sitting. especially if you are sitting for 10 hours a day, glued to the desk, multitasking 10 different weird cases.

and when she started out, she had her longterm BF to help HER. this is the noncheater, the decent guy, i got along with him. when HE left, my feelings started to form. it was clear he was no longer invested in the rel. it was clearly over. anyway he was a lot tuffer than me and he was good at the job to. he could help her whenever she needed. also since they lived together she could talk to him at ANY time about job related worries. like wake up in the middle of the night and fear OH GOD WHAT DO I DO IF. and he will be there hahaha.

yeah that happened to me sometimes.

im not sure if HE studied outside of work, but he also had no problem working 90 hours a week, so im sure he learned a lot then.

you have got to be TOUGH to do that. I would get offered overtime but I would always turn it down. no I will not stay one extra hour for 20 DAH!!!!!

try really slowing down the speed to like 2.6 mph if you are going above 8 or 9 % incline on the treadmill. slow speed with high incline. can still burn a decent amount of calkories.

and if you can burn 1000 calories in one Gym Session, that is really good. it takes me like 2 hours at least hahaha.

you HAVE to know if the person you a dating or fooking is fooking somebody else. its your business because youre fooking them too and could get a disease from the other person. so if they say, its none of your business what i do with my body, say fook yeah it IS, because i can get a disease from the sleaze you do with your whorish body!!!!

same thing if you are dating somebody with a history of cheating. you dont want them to cheat on YOU.  have they repented for their sins and promised to never cheat again? and how are you supposed to believe them?

this is why i prefer to date women that have never been sluts, AND who have never cheated. this is like 1% of women hahahahaa.

well, maybe i am too harsh. maybe it is like 5% of women. that is still a small minority, BUT its FIVE TIMES more optimistic than my previous estimate!

the largest employers in my city  have like 3000, 2000, 1000 employees….but each of them list like only 2 or 3 openings for mid level engineers and managers with 10 years of experience!!!! where are all the entry level machine operators and warehouse people?

does the company not even list these jobs and the temp agency is the only person who knows about the openings?

in which case you CANT apply directly to the company, the company does not even BOTHER “sourcing talent” at such a low, untalented level? maybe.

and of course the temp agencies never say who their client is. client confidential.

so now you need to find the staffing agency so and so uses. toyota. general motors. microsoft. apple. well they get their shit manufactured in china. foxxconn. suicide nets and all that. dont know what I’m talking about? THEN YOU DONT DESERVE A JOBB!!!!!!

that was my big motto a few years ago in 2012 when I was working my fun, loser job, before I got my horrible bigboy job. I thought of all the people dumber than me who were gainfully employed and i was butthurt because they didnt DESERVE their jobs!!!!! they didnt know such and such piece of business related trivia!

well some of it is pretty relevant, important “trivia!”  just ask the families of the people who jumped out of the windows of foxconn!

that PERSON wouldnt know what I am talking about!!!! how is she smart enough to make 15DAH?

but I’m also not as smart as I thought I am. I have like 101 IQ. 115 MAX. so, not super smart.

also she doesnt really need to know about foxconn to be able to do her job WELL. she just needs to be able to reject people well, say it is what it is, i cant help you, there is no explanation, sorry, goodbye. and she is much better at that than I am. whereas I am much better at actually knowing things and understanding things and really solving problems at their ROOT cause. she is horrible at all these things. she just wants to smoke MJ and listen to music and Fight The System and maybe fook a few Tough Guys, maybe a few Blacks, try to find a father figure.

but she’s still more successful at job, luv, and life than me. she makes a lot more money than me. she has been in a 5 year monog rel. I have never been in a monog rel. just shitty pseudo rels for 3 months maximum.

and it wasnt because i had trust issues or narcissism issues or insecurity issues. well I DID but they didnt know me well enough to even realize that. women short term date guys ALL THE TIME like this. how many guys you fooked where you dated them less than 3 months?

oooooooo shit that is going RIGHT in my interview for wife file hahahaha.

how many guys you fooked where you dated them less than 3 months? fooked a guy but never really dated him; and he wanted a rel, but you didnt, and just fooked him a little and was DONE with him within 3 months? his TURN was over.

or maybe he didnt want a rel. you just casually fooked and then one or both of you lost interest within 3 months. no big investment. just fooking another man. another faceless chad in the cox WALL.


i just hate that she is going out and having casual secs with dudes. cuz this just what ALL PEOPLE do.  that she is giving away freely, what I would have basically given my LIFE for.  absolutely disgusting and horrifying.

you can get pregnant you MORON! secs SHOULD be more serious for women! the consequences are more SERIOUS for women!!!!!! thats WHY theres a double standard!!!! yet even decent, smart, nonslutty women don’t understand and will deny The Double Standard. Oh well. let them deny it as long as they don’t walk the talk and become sluts.

fookin sluts. have a baby with anyone.

how come women will have a babby with ANY man, yet men have STANDARDS about who they have babys with??!?!

how come women dont have standards, but men do?

hahahaha. see going down a bad cognitive path here.

its not even true. women have standards too. and some of them have reasonable standards. a sizeable minority even! at least 30% of women have reasonable standards. that is, they know how to pick a strong, secure man who is also not a thug or deadbeat or scammer or Player. a strong man who would be a good husband and father. 30% of women can pick a strong man and not be fooled by deadbeats.

doesn’t help you if you’re not a strong man! you are even less attractive than deadbeats then! and its probably easier to become a charismatic deadbeat than an actual strong man!!!!


need help to think outside of the box and innovate and PROBLEM SOLVE

when did SHE ever  BUY a book on Problem Solving , and another book on Communication, to help her at her job? When did she ever use Communication to help solve a problem in a Relationship? come on!

I hate how she is associated with my confidence in my JOB. how do I unassociate her from this.


this book would be worth assigning to our people at the Help Desk. but nooooo I only found it 9 months after quitting the job hahaha.

Heh. I just bought that book with the amazon gift card i earned from doing a market research study. along with a package of soft cotton hanes boxer shorts hahahahaha. i got $100 at amazon. want to use it wisely. i dont want to go back to to help desk service desk technical support shit but…..hopefully this book with its customer service principles can be extarpolated to other shit too. my technical skills were pretty good, but the technical reference / knowledge base we had was SHITTY. Oh yeah. thats not in the knowledge base.

i do quite enjoy this valentinas hot sauce over the franks hot sauce. franks is very vinegary and I am totally bored with it after eating it for years. the valentinas has a more complex and interesting flavor as well.

fooking bitch. then reading stuff to try to help me with jobs like THAT JOB makes me think of THAT WOMAN and how she doesnt have to work SO HARD just to not go crazy. she doesnt buy books off amazon. she doesnt study work shit on her free time. she doesnt have her mind racing on work stuff. she doesnt wake up in the middle of the night worried about work stuff and what if i get a call on this thing i dont know. or even we have no idea how this works, but we support it. how can you support something that you dont know how it works, or how to fix it?

no. she just leaves the work stuff at work and takes MJ.

for me it was IMPOSSIBLE to leave work at work. i kept bringing it home more and more until there was no separation. i wasnt working on projects, i was studying shit because there was so mcuh shit to know. and i wanted to be prepared for every possible type of call.

she didnt do that! she focused on her family hahahaha.

and now she is prob focuses on Badboy Cox! the darker the better!

anyway i hate losing all confidence in the job, then connecting HER to the job, and oh SHE can do it, and I cant. shes TOUGHER than me, she can HANDLE LIFE better, she can handle ridiculous situations better.

i hate that i broke down and she doesnt care.

if i had broke down but not gotten feelings for her, she probably would have extended care and comfort, like im sorry you couldnt handle the job.

help desk service desk


this is the closest think to a help desk trade/professional “journal” i have seen. again most of the shit is geared towards managers and not stuff thats really gonna help level 1 schmucks like me and her. some people just have a real hard time with it and flunk out, like me. others adapt and move up. like her.  maybe thats why she threw me away like a piece of garbage. because I was worthless at my job hahahaha.

well thats false. like i said before, i was a lot better than her.

i actually handled calls LIKE A BOSS for a while. when i used to sit next to her, she could hear all my calls and she said she was impressed by the way i handled calls so well, oh she could never handle calls like that!


we had internal forums where our users would comment on the software in a desperate attempt to try to learn from each other, because training sucked, and experts were hiding somewhere laughing at us idiots. they would say pleeease help meeeee and wait for an “expert” or “moderator” to read and respond, usually with shitty advice. you could tell that the first moderators to respond were contractors making 10 DAH, spelling errors, blacks hahahaha. and they would respond with something that clearly indicated they DIDNT understand the problem at ALL. it went WAY over their heads. and eventually boiled down to “call tech support so we can start a ticket.” then you could talk to an “idiot” that didnt understand you. and hopefully get your shit escalated to someone who does understand.

and all the knowledge is secret. everythings a big secret and you dont understand anything.


its somewhat useful stuff, but wasnt super relevant to Surviving In The Trenches. that’s what I want. how do so many people do it? how come theres nothing on the fookin INTERNET???!?!?!?! the internet is supposed to be full of information!!!!


this woman actually has some good sample bullshit phrases for when you dont know:


“Let me be sure I understand which information you’re looking for…”

“Based on what we know today, my thoughts are…”

“That’s a timely question, because I’m currently gathering XYZ information…”

“I can answer that in part, but would like to consider it further and get back to you.”

“Great question.  I’m just not familiar enough with XYZ to hazard a guess.  Let me connect you with…”


1. Here’s what I know. “I do know sales for X client are up from last quarter.”
2. Here’s what I don’t know. “However, I don’t know the exact sales numbers for this quarter off the top of my head.”
3. Here’s how I’ll figure it out. “So let me go back to the earnings release, double check the numbers, and get back to you. When do you need this information by?”




“I’m not completely sure, so I’d rather get you the exact and accurate answer by (give date).”

Then, in a very obvious way, write down the question and person’s contact information (or select someone else to do it), research it, and follow up on time as promised. Be specific, if possible, “I will contact our head of engineering today, and if his schedule permits giving me an answer quickly, I will get back to you no later than tomorrow afternoon. Is that okay?”


does SHE have a fooking 9000 page what to say during the interview file on how you answer questions like “what do you say and do when somebody asks you a question you dont know the answer to.”

no she just smokes MJ and GOES WITH THE FLOW. keep calm and carry on. god damn.

and got mad at ME because I actually wanted to really fix problems and udnerstand what the caller was saying.

dont take it out on ME just because youre a lazy moron!!!!!

hehehe i am taking it out on her that I couldnt handle the job. and that i couldnt handle HER. but in my defense, she handled me HORRIBLE. she couldnt handle ME!



shit. how does anyone handle life hahaha. why isnt everyone 30 year old virgin neets hahahaha.



apr 6

how do you assure someone that something is correct/right when you’re not sure that it is?

like something looks like it could be right, but you’re just not sure?

like doing a huge math problem and you’re not sure if you’re correct, or close, or not even close, because you have no idea what’s even reasonable?

or your excel vlookup function skipped a data point for some reason, and you don’t know why, but that skipped piece of data make a YUGE difference for your bullshit “recommendations” and “advice.” but just looking at the results, you can’t tell if anything is WRONG or not. you just assume your Tool, the vlookup, is working as intended. and it is. it just has tricky little pitfalls where its hard to tell if its pitfalling.

well you said you were an expert at excel and knew all about vlookup! this falls on your shoulders!


my concern is that it will only return the FIRST match. it might be important to find those other matches. I cant even think of an example.

and you have people with a lot more experience making a lot more money than me asking these questions on forums.

again probably the best thing is to take someone who CAN help you from your workplace out for dinner and drinks, pay for the dinner and drinks, and Pick Their Brain. of course they probably want to get home to their family after an exhausting 16 hour day. not getting paid overtime becuase they exempt hahaha. salary. making 30 grand a year for 80 hours a week.  which breaks down to like 10 dollars an hour hahaha.  good job.

http://exceluser.com/formulas/excels-vlookup-vs-index-match-functions.htm#The Limitations of VLOOKUP and HLOOKUP

also vlookup can’t return values to the left of the…column its looking up??

only to the right. not sure why. its a limitation of the software. its working as intended. take it up with microsoft.

or just use an INDEX/MATCH hehehehe. yep just use it.

THAT WOMAN wouldnt be able to figure any of this out! she cant even spell YOU’RE correctly!!!!!!!!!!!!



ok its official. index match is better than vlookup. tell your interviewer that.


phaggots who have good jobs are still using vlookups like amateur 19 year olds in a call center hahaha

like babes in the woods who never had a meeting with someone who actually knows what they are doing, so as to make sure everyone is using Best Practices.

is that HAND HOLDING. ???

lets see. i was officially rejected for a Press Operator job, not enough experience hahaha.

“”” After careful consideration of all candidates, unfortunately on this occasion we will not be taking your application further. The general standard of applications has been extremely high and we have shortlisted candidates whose skill sets are more closely matched to the role requirements. “””

example of the language used by the Recruiting Team

i am not sure the IT Recruiter got my email about me not being a Good Fit for the Call Center. cuz i got a new mass email sent to about 7 people, get to see their names and emails and all, real professional ya damn moron hahaha. way to not share my email with potential scammers hahaha. guess she didnt get a meeting teaching her that this was not best practice. she has NO IDEA.

that feel when you HAVE NO IDEA that you are doing something wrong. hahahaha.  total unknown unknowns.

but asking for clarification would be considered hand holding.

well you cant have them check the whole damn thing. you have to ask them small direct questions. meaning that you have to have some sort of intuition that showing the emails is not best practice. and then ask about it. but if you didnt have that intuition……..????

well heres the thing. uhh forgot it. mind is rekt hahaha. cant make good decisions. just flip a coin. oh yeah. its EASY to get a call center job. I just had ANOTHER recruiter email me TODAY about ANOTHER call center job. its RIDICULOUS. I could basically get a call center job EASILY AND make decent money doing it. but i am so fooking against it.

ok the point is, i don’t NEED a damn RECRUITER, I can just go to the companys website LATER and apply directly with the company if I CHANGE my mind.  i can always come back to this damn company and get a job directly through THEM. and THESE are the jobs RECRUITERS are RECRUITING people for? you dont NEED a RECRUITER to get you these jobs. i am wondering why the company is paying this recruiter? dont they have their own recruitment team? talent acquisition hahaha.

but maybe they get so many “unqualified” applicants they need to Outsource their Talent Acquisition?  i dont know. just guessing.

but the qualifications for a job like this are very low. just have some basic computer knowledge. period. you really dont need to be smart. but you DO need to be kinda TOUGH.

i would maybe do something where you take inbound phones PART of the day, like a few hours at most, but more than 4 hours on inbound phones is ROUGH.

how can you answer questions and make recommendations and explain shit when YOU dont know whats going on???!?!?!?!

i just felt ON EDGE ALL THE TIME, you never forget that feeling. didnt have that at my previous job hahaha. of course that was a much less serious job.

heh. i wish i never met her. i wish i had never taken that stupid call center job with her. never even saw that stupid world. yeah i made some money, but…….over the long term, i didnt make that much more money than I would have at my prev job, considered all the time I have been Not Working hahahaha. I am Disabled, I am Unable To Work, hahahahaha.

some guys lose their frame and their man-hand and their relationship suffers. their GF becomes a bigger bitch, just bitchy and not nice. then the guys gradually start being more masculine, standing up the bitch more, putting the bitch in her place hahaha, and gradually her behavior gets better again. she starts being nice and pleasant again. maybe stops porking up so much. is happier and nicer. you hear stories like that sometimes.

what i hear is that the GF/wife did not DUMP THE GUY IMMEDIATELY. she essentially GAVE HIM A CHANCE. gave him time. she didnt LEAVE him immediately. she was bitchy and fat and mean, but she stuck around. that’s worth something.

she didnt leave you and never talk to you again. totally abandon and block you. she was being a fat bitch, but she didn’t abandon you. maybe she didnt even CHEAT on you! so i have to give the fat bitches a little CREDIT for not abandoning, and not cheating hahahaha. they gave you a chance to step your game up. I did not get that chance at all.

because in these cases, your gf/wife is still talking to you, still hanging out with you, still maybe even begrudgingly having S with you. you have MORE THAN ENOUGH OPPORTUNITY to TALK to her. you still SPEND TIME together one on one. i did not have that LUXURY whatsoEVER.

wanna go to fatclub soon, i have made a mental note that a very qt gurl is there at 130 pm on wednesday sometimes. unfort she reminds me of That Person because they both have long legs and arms……but maybe that is just my type. i really dont like stumpy, and i really do like long legs, which usually corrolate with long arms.

how do you minimze risks if you dont know what the risks are?

driving a car or having S, the risks are obvious. screaming obvious.

but the risks of using vlookup on this particular set of data……….not nearly as obvious. i dont know why i am so fixated on this example.

or the risks of doing a complicated procedure where you’re not sure if what you’re getting is RIGHT or WRONG.

when you cant differentiate between right and wrong, how do you know what the RISKS are?

this is why i like having someone who can check my work, a SECOND SET OF EYES on the work. how is that HAND HOLDING?


but if black women are smart enough to do this job, then i should be, right?

i mean they get shit on by the asshole callers, cuz they hear from their voice, oh its a black woman, therefore they are an idiot and are gonna really fook this up. which i agree is horrible. i am a proud white supremacist who wants an all-white country and for women Not To Work, but I don’t think you should make a hard job even harder for a black woman. its a hard job for all of us.


SO…..supposedly peter steele accepted being a Catholic after his mother died and he was having a shitty life, drinking too much, too much coke, going to jail. then he got out and life was getting better, got off drugs, found Religion, and did the last TON album Dead Again which I was never familiar with, but supposedly here is where he has Pro-Catholic lyrics. then a few years later he died. That really sucks, I always come back to TON and relate with Pete’s Pain. It is very similar to my own. except he was very musically talented and physically alpha/macho/masculine, so he could always pull bitches. i guess he wasnt particularly happy with all those goth sluts though. he probably would have preferred a normal nice gurl and not some goth skank.

anyway i will now study the lyrics to his catholic anti-abortion song, which some of TON’s edgy atheist fans furrowed their brow that their god peter was becoming a theist. i say GOOD FOR HIM!!!!

well the song seems to condemn abortion and it almost seems to condemn ISRAHELL!!! whoa did not expect that. Actually the lyrics seem confusing and just not super good.

i guarantee he was bipolar!!!! also i think he was in a psych ward around this time as well.

either way its good that he got off drugs and alcohol, and its good that he accepted JC hahaha, and seemed more healthy and at peace. and THEN he died. would have been REAL interesting to see what he would ahve done after. maybe quit the degenerate life, find a decent woman and not a damn groupie or stripper, have some damn children. i bet that would have had an effect on his songwriting. although other musicians don’t really get better when they have children hahaha.  for example i dont really bother listening to varg vikernes music anymore. but his political views and his beautiful family are all very great things!!!!

yeah i unfortunately never saw TON live. i do regret that since I knew of them for many years and was a fan for like 12 years before pete died! i became a fan just as october rust came out in 1997ish. brand new album and I was a young teen and I thought it was super awesome. great nostalgia and memories there. i assume the album will still sound great. putting it on music player right now.

1996. really. maybe i got it in 1997. or 1996.

apr 7

aplied for job as “Dorn Operator.” I have no earthly idea what a DORN is, but posting implies it is similar to a CNC machine hahaha.  received rejection letter within 1 hour, a new record! probably because I was honest about not having 1 year of CNC experience. DAMN there goes muh 12 DAHJ!

This is a learning position and requires a willingness to learn through self-study in addition to extensive training and work in conjunction with Underwriters.

for an underwriting assistant job hahaha. meaning study outside of work. hmm i thought all jobs were like that. i might kinda like that this one was honest enough to say it.

i work 25% slower than the average employee, therefore i have to stay 25% longer unpaid to get the work done. but what if its a salary job and everybody works 50 hours a week? then I have to work 60 hours a week to do the same amount. cuz i hate being rushed. they rush you to do eerything faster and faster, but then quality sufferes, and then they btich about that.

but OBVIOUSLY Speed is more important than quality. or safety.

so find ways to cut corners and cover your ass regarding quality hahaha. so stupid.

i really want to listen to the type o negative album “dead again” but every time I’ve listened to it, it’s kidna disappointing. I have been in this exact mood before, i always forget. same motivation: peter getting his life together, he dindu nuffin, it’s probably better than the previous album “life is killing me” which is universally regarded as the worst TON album. Note: I stopped paying attention to them when “world coming down” came out. i was all on board with october rust but had jumped the ship by world coming down, not sure why. because i was interested in more “heavy” stuff. but i guess WCD was pretty heavy i hear.

i then worried that I might convince myself to take the call center job, and then it turns out SHE works there hahahaha. this is the shit iworry about. I would probably approach her and say you hurt me a lot, I wish you hadnt done that, I wish you would apologize to me, do you have any remorse for what you did, and she would prob say you’re the weirdo, stay away from me, im not talking to you. no remorse.

the point is: i will ALWAYS be in the losing position here, always being punched down on. because i had feelings, she didnt, i was heartbroken, she wasnt, so me seeing her at work every day would be EXTREMELy PAINFUL (for me hahaha) but NOT for her. if i worked with her, she wouldnt care, but I would go crazy again. I literally NEVER want to see her ever again, especially not at work. i would let her apologize to me and change her mind. but to enter a workplace where i saw her every day, nope. I would probably quit again.

she wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her, but it would bother the SHIT out of me. because I luv her and she has nothing for me. she is DONE with me.

don’t you CARE when you are hurting someones feelings hahaha?

i mean when you are friends for 2.5 (2.7) years, not when you are men doing the bantz and calling each other phaggot moron virgins at work.

it bothers me that she could work with me and ignore me entirely and go on with her life, whereas if i worked with her i would go fooking crazy.

i mean if my female friend fell in luv with me i would FEEL BAD and TRY NOT TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS. and if i knew we had to WORK TOGETHER, I knew the best way to do that would be to have long converstaions and try to smooth the shitty situation over.

but i have incomplete information. maybe she would go absolutely crazy and quit over the course of 2 weeks, a month. I just went crazy IMMEDIATELY.  quicker than her. which makes sense.

i would be bothered at least a little bit if I had to work with someone whose heart i BROKE. I would feel bad about breaking someones heart. I never broke a gurls heart before, I never had a gurl like me one sided. I never dumped a gurl hahahaha.

when a loved one dumps you, you feel GUTTED. totally GUTTED.

especially when they dump you in a harsh mean cold way and you work together hahaha.

takes a while for that GUTTED feeling to wear off.


the cowards guide to conflict, i should have given her a copy of this book hahahaha

was thinking of getting on for myself, how to have difficult conversations. nope i cant help you and nope i cant explain it and nope i can’t transfer you to a level 2. you can call back and get another level 1, hopefully someone better than me!

how do you know if something is right if you don’t know what right looks like?

you dont! you CANT!!!!

anyway i was the one wiht the PROBLEM. she didnt have a PROBLEM other than me, I was her problem, and when I was gone she was happy. but she also was very willing to ignore me.

again I don’t know if she would have Cracked if I had been tough enough to play Chicken for a while. I think she still cared about me enough that she WOULD have cracked.

but i wish she hadnt been so offended and disgusted by me getting feelings. come on. im not THAT bad!!!!!

or how about you send me a 1 paragraph message explaining why when you unfriend me. are you mad at me? hate me? feel I betrayed you? do hate me? dont hate me? there actually are a lot of unknowns behind somebody unfriending you. you want to know the feelings behind them unfriending you. namely, do they hate you or not, could you ever just talk about the damn rel, can this be fixed or not.

cuz it really sucks when one person hates the other one but the other one doesnt hate them, they are begging please dont hate me, dont do this to me. i shouldnt have to beg hahahaha.  though im not to PROUD to beg. but she shouldnt avoid so much that i HAVE to beg.

dont make me beg. i wouldnt have made you beg. i would had RESPONDED to you. I would have hung out wiht you and LET you TALK to me.

looks like meats back on the menu boys

tonight we will taste manflesh!!!

turns out both of these lines come from lord of the rings.  couldnt remember. decent lines.

of course i refuse to watch the hobbit. but LOTR was okay movies. wouldnt mind watching them with a nice qt gf hahahaha like my female friend. cant you see? this is LUV!!!

treat my HEART with a little more kindness and respect! dont crush and destroy and throw my HEART away! be CAREFUL with it!!!!

and you kinda expect your friend of 2.7 years to be CAREFUL with your HEART.


138 calories over my calorie budget. GOT to go to gym today and burn those off.

pizza and pasta. will do it every time.

have lost 1 pound in the last month. i really hope this is due to gianing muscle, and water weight….and not a result of vastly undercounting muh calories!!!!!

i guess peter steele still drank a little after leaving rehab. he supposedly cut back on the coke and booze but sometimes fell off the wagon. he said he first used coke at age 35, kinda a late bloomer hahaha. he died at age 48. rehab was at around age 45 or so.

also i guess his weight was up and down. sometimes he gained a lot of weight and supposedly liked KFC.

well he never lost his beautiful hair hahaha.

not sure if he was a cigarette smoker. wouldnt be surprised.

i guess i am butthurt by people that go to rehab but then afterwards they drink “IN MODERATION.”

also he was always dating strippers and cheating women. come on. just find a nice catholic virgin hahaha.

i hate to idolize a musician because theyre ALL degenerates. peter steele included. but he did some good and i think had the potential to be a nondegenerate. he admitted he was bipolar. and ocd. and add. hahaha. i think coke is not a good thing for peopel like this, really makes them go crazy. probably even more than booze.

ok think i got 6 applications done today, maybe 7. thats not bad hahaha.

heh. i hate how she DIDNT EVEN TRY not to break my heart. she could have made a good faith effort, done SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

she honestly didnt seem like the type of person who WOULDNT MAKE ANY EFFORT AT ALL, FOR ME. I thought for SURE she cared about me enough to make a LITTLE effort. to spare my feelings that is.

and maybe she did! she was just too cowardly.



apr 4

OY VEY. I had an IT Recruiter call me about a Help Desk Position with a company that many people left my old company to be Help Desk people with this other company.  The recruiter told me a rather nice starting wage and mentioned something about 3 MONTHS of training…..really??? “so they are not gonna throw you to the wolves.” “thats good” i said. you know how I feel about training! the more the better, and most companies dont do any!

BUt I was so conflicted about another damn CALL CENTER position that I sent an email Being Honest about my Reservations about Call Centers and how that was not a good environment for me. I completed the online tests, complete with 34 question Technology/IT test; and the classic Sample Call Center, CRM, choose the best answer test; and a pretty good actually Call Center How To Phrase Things Test. what should you do or say in this situation. and i think i did pretty good at that. I new exactly what they were getting at. not because I was trained, but because I picked shit up myself pretty good. but I didnt’ like it! the CONSTANT NERVOUSNESS is something I don’t want to experience again, and I think that came from being In A Call Center, where your job is to TAKE CALLS, and it could be about ANYTHING, and the person could be chill, or not.

Its like Call Centers, specifically Technical Support Call Centers, are the Factories of the Current Year, that is, a place where an unskilled College Dropout can get a 15+ DAHJ and afford to be a grownup, maybe have kids.

SUCH a price you must pay! because it is an absolutely insane environment that still gives me the chills ahahaha. waiting for the phone to ring, answering the phone, being nervous all the time, if you weren’t so nervous, maybe you could think smoother, and you need to think fast and sound confident at all times, and always be doing weird ass complicated stuff. the stuff in the simulator test was only 1% as complicated and technical. and then struggle with shit for 20 minutes, an hour, some calls even last 3 hours. you just want someone to jump in and help you, work along side you, but they give you the worst help ever: a chat room where they say do this. what happened. ok now do this. what happened. you are dying for them to ESCALATE, save me from this!!!! I can’t fix this! HELP MEEEEE!!!!!! I’m drowning!!! but they dont want to escalate because there’s already too many cases in escalation and not enough experienced people to fix them, and also callers don’t really like escalation because they want the shit fixed NOW, not in 72 hours.

maybe this place would be better. it actually paid MORE and it gave MORE training. so maybe I should have said hell yeah sign me up.

Well, I did my tests, answered some questions from them about the exact stuff I used, updated the res.

If i had a lot of god damn CONFIDENCE I would have said SHIT YEAH sign me up for this bigboy money!

but i have no confidence. but I will have no confidence for ANY job.

but I REALLY have no confidence for a god damn tech support call center, which people call HELP DESK. the recruiter never used the word “CALL CENTER” but I knew it was. I had heard of the place. And it probably is better than my old place. or is it? all I know is it deals with health care and your callers are doctors and nurses and shit. hahahaha so I would be troubleshooting the god damn EPIC software. Make it do this. rebuild the intersystems cache database, my patient is DYING!1!!!!! what do I tell the patient? i don’t care, let them DIE, you figure it out. The software is WORKING AS INTENDED. well it sucks. yes i know it sucks. yeah let me forward your suggestion to the development team. NO there will be no followup, because i’m lying to you, we’re not really sending anything to the development team. They just don’t take suggestions. I mean they don’t even throw suggestions away. That’s what I do. You tell me your suggestion for them and I’ll throw it away, becuase they wont even let me send it to them. I dont know HOW to send it to them.

now, because THAT BITCH has no problem working in a call center, she could go there and make even more money.

oh shit, this is my chance to outshine THAT BITCH, so I could make more money than HER and be more successful than HER. I should have thought of that before I told them, “THANK YOU, but I do not do well in call centers hurrrr durrrr”

I completed all my tests they registered me for and requested MOAR TESTS for anything they could place me into somethign that’s not a CALL CENTER.

but yeah it would be nice to make more money than THAT BITCH and not have my life destroyed by her any more.



sitting there in a tiny cubicle, the god damn headset, the god damn metrics, all the other losers like you talking on their headsets, frowning and going crazy, drowning. the nonstop ringing, the phone program that tells you exactly how many calls are waiting, the little popup that says “QUEUE HAS EXCEEDED ITS SERVICE LEVEL!!!!” meaning you have too many calls holding, and the goal was for them to understaff the place just enough so that bubble would always pop up. you don’t want too many people sitting around NOT ANSWERING CALLS for 15 DAH. Yeah it sounds like a good deal………but it’s just a living hell. MAYBE 20 DAH. at LEAST. no this new place was not paying that.

some people are better at it than others. some people dont mind it as much. she was one. I wasnt. although my technical skills were way better. doesn’t matter. in the end, your People Skills and your Keep Calm and Carry on Skills are MORE important than your technical skills.

maybe if i were trained at a young age in Help Desk work. like in grade school. so that I could do it in my sleep now. but i wasnt hahahaha.


heh. i wonder how the factory workers of the 50s and 60s and 70s would have fared in the call centers of today.

will I REGRET turning down this Opportunity? maybe. hahahaha. but just THINKING of a call center makes me sick. so I can’t be TOO angry at myself for saying, ya know, I have very cold feet on Call Centers. I can talk on the phone, I can service customers, I can take some calls, I can make calls, I can make decisions and think quickly…..but call center is a bridge too far. because it’s taking the worst of all worlds and pushing them to their extremes. it is like getting skullfooked and mindfooked all day, then going home and studying because you feel like every day is an 8-hour EXAM you’re never prepared for.

you dont simply click one button in the CRM and get all the information. or click one button and get company policy. you have to DIG through 90000000 different sources to find something approximate that may or may not help you. you just dont know enough if it will. you feel like dr nick riviera performing brain surgery in front of the worlds best brain surgeons.  you look and feel like a fraud at all times.

well this si true of ALL jobs, not just call centers hahaha. I wish skool had prepared me for this. I thought skool was supposed to churn out good little unthinking worker bees, cogs in the machine. well its super fookin HARD to be a cog in the Help Desk machine.

well its done. I had to make a decision and then sent an uncomfortable email. I said thank you and please give me more tests and I took the tests you want and did ok on them, but call centers are not a good fit, i could do data entry or assist a sysadmin (i dunno, I DONT KNOW WHAT I DONT KNOW, you would know better than me what kind of jobs YOU are getting requests for, but why don’t you just make me GUESS about the details that are relevant to YOUR job), but call centers nope.

I guess if I get more confidence by age 39, I can always apply directly to that place. they are always hiring. tons of 17 DAH Jobs always for the taking!

Just shows you how bad people hate call centers hahaha. it’s EASY to get a 17 DAH in one, while it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get an 11 DAH job anywhere else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I say age 39 because at 40 and above you are DONE. UNHIRABLE. might as well use the SMITH AND WESSON RETIREMENT PLAN (aaron clarey, the “technical J”. He’s ok but too hedonistic, nihilistic, degenerate, and mgtow for me atm.)


IMHO, NO ITS NOT. because you’re not necessarily enjoying riding the tiger. you just do it to survive. but you dont say DAMN THIS KALI YUGA IS SWEET!!!!!! you say, dear god give me strength to ride this tiger as long as it is kicking, because I really want to make it OUT of this shitty kali yuga!!!!!

i could do the simulation call center activities! in fact i wish there was more advanced stuff like that! but the toughest simulation is easier than the easiest call! it’s not a good indicator at all. yet RECRUITERS use these tests to get people JOBS. what bullshit recruiting is!

I took this other personality test called the Acumax Index Survey.  You get a page with about 50 adjectives on it, 50 checkboxes. it asks you to check the boxes for all of these you think OTHER people PERCEIVE you as.

then you get the same 50 adjectives again, this time you pick the ones you see YOURSELF as. I picked the same ones. making myself seem like a normie.

the company seems like a bullshit scam and I cant believe theyre in business. recruiting and HR. what BULLSHIT. and this is what WOMEN work in.

i mean the acumax company. and the companies who USE it are fookin SUCKERS getting scammed by a test that tells you nothing. “it has covert items which measure how the respondent is WIRED in their brain” says the CEO. YEP. wow. This guy is probably great at BULLSHITTING, he’s built his life on his bullshit. but his bullshit is so shitty, i dont know how he sleeps at night. in a fooking mansion in a safe neighborhood with a beautiful 20 year old wife.

apr 5

you didnt have to luv me back. i just wanted you to care about what happens to me. care that I was having a tuff time. care that I was having a problem WITH YOU. care about what I am doing with my life hahaha. Care that I suddenly left the gd JOB.  care about my life and my pain and.

but because it so closely involved HER and she didnt want it to involve HER, she just ignored it.

how is this so hard to get through my head hahahaha. people ignore and avoid difficult conversations.

asking why to every response is a great way to learn about shit.

but isn’t WHY just an explanation? and arent EXPLANATIONS ARE FOR COWARDS? realy youre just asking the same thing as the client/caller/customer. explanations arent always for cowards. most times theyre for genuinely concerned or interested people who want to know why things work. or they can at least give some sort of credible excuse to the person whos angry or disappointed.


how come they dont teach any of this in school??!?!?! also customer service 101 book doesnt teach it.

the stuff that is MOST useful on the job – NOT the technical skills, but the customer handling skills, like how to give bad news, how to bullshit, how to explain when you don’t understand, how to stretch the truth, how to cover your ass, how to cut corners, none of this is taught or spelled out. probably because its the Dirty Big Secret, and either you accept it and figure it out….or you don’t. because why would the higher ups want to ADMIT to these negative sounding things. plausible deniability. they don’t want to admit that what theyre doing is BULLSHITTING and cutting corners and making up excuses and giving people the runaround. but they do these things because…..thats what you gotta do to survive. but no ones gonna teach you.

unless you can get ahold of a trusted person outside of work over Dranks and get them to tell you the Truth. this is totally doable. this is your best bet.

and also writing your own bullshit phrases on your off time and practicing them.


i looked for books which the perplexed help desk level 1 lost soul might actually learn something from, and this is the best thing i’ve seen. i wish they had real books about this and not self-published kindle books, but the sample chapters prove a very high quality and very good theme. like how to actually survive in the trenches with the reality of the job.

how does this have NO reviews? I have jsut read 2 pages and while I’m sure the book isn’t perfect, I am wanting to give it 5 stars for even coming CLOSE.

is there a pill which strips you of ALL emotions, including fear and anxiety?  be able to approach the toughest situations with tough people and just NOT CARE? not get flustered?

“I apologize, but I just don’t have an answer for that”, is one of this guy (steffy) responses. And he seems like a pretty smart guy.

its just frustrating. that a very large field where you actually can make a living, there are no resources for learning the nitty gritty of the job. words of wisdom from experienced mentors. i’m not saying they have to be at your workplace. i’m just saying they should exist and write books. also eli the computer guy on youtube is another good one. i dont care if he’s a J. the poor level 1’s need all the help they can GET. also it’s helpful to take that sneaking J’ish approach sometimes.  doubletalk and misdirection.

i dont care about the interview and getting the job. help desk is about the only job where its EASY to get the job. they hire anyone becuase they know most people wont last.

the people who do last can sometimes actually make a good living. like that BITCH. how does she survive? doesnt she CARE that I didnt survive? show some grief for your fallen comrade in the trenches!! remember when your BF helped you when you were starting out? what if he dumped you right then and there?

heh there really should be a help desk boot camp. at least 8 weeks where you are trained on those “soft” skills which are really the hardest of all. how to explain this shit. how to figure this out on your own. how to actually DO your job.

no dont just read the knowledge base article. it SUCKS and YOU KNOW IT.  this is a complicated problem and i dont know what to do. what do I DO. ok, thanks for telling me I have to uninstall the antivirus. but what do i DO NEXT? that’s the resolution? just live without an antivirus? doesn’t our company mandate you must use bla bla antivirus? and you couldn’t even buy another one if you could? who’s gonna pay for the new antivirus? how do you explain to their manager that he has to pay for another antivirus because for unknown reasons, the company antivirus doesnt work at this locations computers? i dont know why. you just gotta pay.

like i say, these are not easy questions you need to figure out. how do you convince that manager to pay money because something that should work, does work in 99% of locations, does not work in his, and you’re not going to fix that, but just tell him to buy another one. isn’t there a deeper problem here? and what if that doesnt work?

uhhhh good questions. that would be better for a level 2 or 3, but you’re not gonna talk to them.

i want her to get slammed with so many ridiculous why why why why explain this explain that questions that she damn quits.

heh. no help for the helpers. just give me a book by a veteran of the field because the people at my job dont help me, and i can’t figure everything out on my own. give me some kind of words of wisdom please. train me. HELP ME.

well what do you need help in?


hehehe maybe its a good thing I said no to that help desk job.

but it would have been a concrete way to prove i am BETTER than THAT BITCH!!! therefore allow me to get over her once and for all hahahaha.

wheres the help desk FOR the help desk? (its SUPPOSED to be level 2 and 3 etc, but they mostly suck.) wheres the tech support FOR the tech support?

so you find the nice, helpful, non sucky level 2s and suck them off. or the more experienced level 1’s who really know what they are doing. I latched on to a few and I was gradually BECOMING one, and then BOOM. shit hit the fan.

that fooking bitch hahahaha.

well she’s latching on to a few of her own, maybe she’s fooking them as well, the whore. she fooks them, takes it up the ass, takes it ass to mouth, and in return she gets help when she really needs it.  fooking disgusting whore.

no she doesnt do that. she probably just blows them in the parking lot and gets jizz on her pretty face and hair.

hahaha not too long ago she would think of blowing someone in a parking lot is absolutely disgusting, slutty, something she would never do.

i dunno i have no proof of any of this.

the average american makes TWENTY FOUR DOLLARS AN HOUR ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!

I would LOVE to be average! where are the books and mentors for the people to be tough and make tough decisions and bullshit their clients to such a level that they make THAT much money?

i wasn’t TOUGH enough to make 15 DAH!!!!!!

how am I gonna be tough enough to make 24 dollars an hour?

average people are!!!

fookin average normies. reeeeeeee normies get out. this is no place for NORMIES.

ok. there are other books for like police officers and emt’s, and people who have to be cool under pressure and face the unexpected.

funny that i was making more as a help desk level 1, than a god damn entry level EMT. this is fooking sad. i couldn’t even become an EMT right now, you need schooling and license which i dont have. I would have to take like 60 credits I dont have.  just to make LESS money than I was making. which is sad. these people are saving peoples LIVES every day!!!!

hehehe and THAT BITCH will do well in the field and become a manager making 50 DAH because she is good at rejecting people. or, rather, rejecting people without conscience.

but she doesnt even have to talk to them on the phone, she just livechats. says no this cant be fixed goodbye.

and she couldnt even write ONE TEXT to me saying sorry I dont want to know you any more goodbye.

hahaha. actually i would have follow up questions, same as now: do you hate me? did i do something wrong? can i fix this? pleaseeeeeee i beg youuuuuuu i’ll changeeeeeeeee. please give me another chance. do you care about me as a human being. do you care that my heart is broken?

so most people aren’t cut out for the MILITARY, but the military supposedly gives you good character building skills, for being cool under pressure. and leadership. getting the job done. accountability. yet military people are having trouble getting jobs?

hey just get a job in a CALL CENTER! getting the job is EASY! even I can do it!!!

we had PLENTY of ex military people. shit I can think of at least 5 right off the top of my head. army, marines, air force, you name it, we had em. and these people were very good performers, great people skills, did not get flustered.


that CVNT!!! If I cant make a living, she shouldnt be able to make a living!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bitch!!!!!!!!!!

i am WAY smarter and a WAY better PERSON and WAY more MORAL than she is!!!!! i deserve to do better than her in life!!!! not WAY worse!!!!!! bitch!!!!! hahahaha

ok here’s the dsability bullshit again, this time from mckesson health bullshit:

OMB Control Number 1250-0005
Expires 1/31/2017
Why are you being asked to complete this form?
Because we do business with the government, we must reach out to, hire, and provide equal opportunity to qualified people with disabilitiesi. To help us measure how well we are doing, we are asking you to tell us if you have a disability or if you ever had a disability. Completing this form is voluntary, but we hope that you will choose to fill it out. If you are applying for a job, any answer you give will be kept private and will not be used against you in any way.

If you already work for us, your answer will not be used against you in any way. Because a person may become disabled at any time, we are required to ask all of our employees to update their information every five years. You may voluntarily self-identify as having a disability on this form without fear of any punishment because you did not identify as having a disability earlier.

How do I know if I have a disability?
You are considered to have a disability if you have a physical or mental impairment or medical condition that substantially limits a major life activity, or if you have a history or record of such an impairment or medical condition.

Disabilities include, but are not limited to:
Cerebral palsy
Muscular dystrophy
Bipolar disorder
Major depression
Multiple sclerosis (MS)
Missing limbs or partially missing limbs
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Obsessive compulsive disorder
Impairments requiring the use of a wheelchair
Intellectual disability (previously called mental retardation)

Please check one of the boxes below
YES, I HAVE A DISABILITY (or previously had a disablity)



that bitch was good about job searching though. she would blast out resumes and applications to shit she was nowhere near qualified for. I look at postings and think I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS, HOW COULD I FIGURE THIS OUT WITHOUT TRAINING, and then dont even apply. she is TOO DUMB TO CARE and applies anyway then gets the job when she presents herself as a Nice Woman. She really does present as Nice. she used to be REALLY nice to me. thats why i liked her so much. i liked it when a woman was NICE to me. shes just a fookin COWARD who drops the ball and really disappoints you.

HOW DO YOU ask the client WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? I would ask the level 2 a clarifying question on behalf of the caller, and the level 2 would say WHY DO THEY WANT TO KNOW? then I would go back to them after leaving them on hold for 5 minutes, and say, UH, WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? Ok let me put you on hold for 5 minutes again.

does it really MATTER why they want to know? because they’re entitled to an explanation.  also it’s a tough question to ask. it sounds rude as fook. So I would soften it and say uhhmmmmm could you tell me a little bit more about your thought process here, i want to understand your needs to understand, is this in reference to a specific question or case, and I am being guided by my level to try to get a better picture of what your desired end result here is, and your expectations of this information, bla bla bla. not WHY U WANNA KNOW.

that BITCH, on the other hand, would have no problem chatting with them: “WHY U WANNA KNOW.”

you cant say “my level 2 wants to know, i told him why do YOU need to know, i really went to bat for you against these bastards mike, but they aren’t backing down, they’re busting my balls, making me jump through hoops, so now i gotta make you jump through hoops, so just tell me anything. i told him already, because he’s got a RIGHT to know why, thats why he wants to know, smart guy.”

because then they will want to talk to the level 2, which can’t be done.

cant do that mike, I can put in a request that a level 2 calls you back within 72 hours, but can’t guarantee it will get approved.

best thing to do is to research the problem on your free time, learn it, understand it, and call him back on your free time. cant do it on work time cuz you dont get paid for learning shit, you get paid for WORKING ON shit.

and quality is surprisingly not super oriented to how shit gets fixed. because that is hard to measure!!!

well they measured was the case really closed, or was it reopened. but it always could have been started as a new case. the quality people dont really know if you did the right or the wrong thing, because shit is so complicated and theres “more than one way to skin a cat” as they say.  so how can you prove you did it right. well the problem appeared to be fixed thats how. nothing is fooked here dude.

that bitch! I thought she CARED about me!!!!!

well i think she DID, she just wasnt BRAVE enough to SHOW it.

on the WARPATH today, applied to at least 8 jobs

theoretically you should applied to about 30 jobs a day, every day, so you can get to the minimum 10,000 job apps needed to get hired to 1 job. 10,000 = 100 apps for 1 interview * 100 interviews for 1 job = 100 * 100 = 10000.


whyd you leave me hahahaha

shit i am now using a 3 page resume. well, in the .txt file there are no page breaks. but if you put it into a 12 pt font in word it is 3 pages hahaha.

my interview file:

WHY is a very important question. It is a good mental exercise to ask WHY in response to every answer, so we can really get to the ROOT of how something works. And expert knowledge of our product and services instills confidence in our clients and allows us to work more efficiently.

However, sometimes asking WHY is NOT efficient. Sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Sometimes asking why is a MONEY PIT, where we throw time, money, and resources into a sink, never to get them back. This is why it’s necessary to always to a cost benefit analysis, and determine if knowing WHY gives enough benefit to justify the cost of finding out why.

Sometimes it’s simply not worth it to figure out why. We just need to take note of the pitfall, and understand it is what it is. It can be frustrating to those who want to know WHY everything works, but we have have these IDEALS tempered by a realistic business sense: sometimes it’s just not worth it to find out why. It costs too much. It’s not a positive ROI.
I’m able to power through learning curves quickly by getting up to speed as quickly as possible. I put in the extra effort after hours to get up to speed on new knowledge and technology and hit the ground running while at work, rather than wasting time at work learning how to do things. Sometimes you must sacrifice your personal time in the pursuit of EXCELLENT. I have a COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE.

THinking AHEAD. Incomplete information. Sometimes you don’t know what’s SUPPOSED to be “OBVIOUS” because you aren’t as familiar with the subject as the client is, but the client isn’t actively offering information. You need to ask PROBING QUESTIONS and act as if you are mapping an uncharted territory. Ask every possible question you can think of. It is better to have too much information than too little. You can always disregard extraneous information later. Think what information you might possibly need at future steps, and ask the client NOW, so you have all the information you need, and probably more, up front. This is preferable to needing information in the future at a short notice, and the client/contact is not available.

I am HIGH ENERGY and Enthusiastic. I like to think of myself as the GUY FIERI of Machine Operators / Talent Acquisition Assistants.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha what a boldfaced LIE. I am the lowest low energy sad sack you have ever met. but all employers want HIGH ENERGY.

motherfookers that work with HIIPAA for YEARS spell it motherfooking HIPPA on their god damn public indeed resumes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think its HIPAA but it DEF NOT HIPPA!!!!! yes it IS Hipaa confirmed. and these are people that work steadily for years in doctors offices and make at least 15 DAH!!!!!! maybe even have CHILDREN!!!!!

hehehe jobs and applying for jobs is frustrating hahaha and then sometimes i get angry and say THAT BITCH!!!!! thinking about her making all that money, and her being happy and successful, how she can just get away with ruining my life hahahaha.

ok fine she’s entitled to her feelings but im entitled to mine, and i wish she cared about MY feelings even a fraction that i cared for HER feelings!

i cared for her feelings a lot! she cared for my feelings and me, NOT ONE BIT!

i mean come the fook on. appreciate that its not a crime for a man to get feelings for a woman! its not a CRIME! when that guy cheated on her, that was bad! getting feelings is not bad! maybe she just thinks anything a man does is BAD! well i cant MAKE her respond to me.

its just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO disappointing she couldnt say ANYTHING.

well what if she said you are a betrayer, you are a horrible person, i hate you!

well then I would have to convince myself that isnt true. but I would at least know how she felt. maybe it would be easier to laugh it off and say HOW WRONG YOU ARE.

MACHINE OPERATOR, search that. TRAINEE. will train. assistant. application analyst. entry level.

us post office resets their job postings every 2 weeks.

put as many names of programs and technologies used in your resume as possible. brands, programs, tools, equipment. software. CRM’s, ERP’s, CMS’s hahaha KMS, whatever. anything that wasnt strictly in-house. anything and everything. fancy things in windows you used. like if you ever used the event viewer or cmd line or registry or even just the task manager. computer management shows all that stuff. except for processes hahaha. and services. i never knew the diff bw a service and a process even though i worked with them every day and probably bullshitted a bullshit answer to some caller who asked me that very question,

she didnt have to be HAPPY about me liking her. thats fine. i just wanted her to treat me the way she used to treat me: like a valuable person she cared about. dont have to be happy but dont get SO BUTTHURT ABOUT IT. its not such a godawful horrible thing. its not the fooking end of the world for you. for me, OTOH, it is.

so stupid. i can’t believe any of this happened. so gay. i learned nothing hahahaha. well, other than blurt it out when it is starting to cause trouble, AND the bitch refuses to hang out with you EVER. even if she has valid “explanations.” then write her an email or talk to her at work.  prepare a 30 second statement and give it to her in 30 seconds.

the weird thing was we saw each other every day at shitwork, but she REFUSED to hang out with me outside of work, even though we used to, even though that was an expectation of Being Friends like we were. I was just confused as fook. why couldnt you hang out with me EVER. one hour. make time for me. you used to. we used to make time for each other.

well because  you knew i wanted to say something and have a difficult conversation that you didnt want to have, and would do ANYTHING to avoid having that conversation.

well WHY did i WANT to have the conversation?

because its better to have difficult conversations than avoid them.

but I didnt NEED to have the conversation. I could TELL she didnt want me. so just accept it.

but when you are in luv, you become a FOOL, and hope against hope, and ignore subtlety, ignore evidence to the contrary.



you can see all your search terms for like a year.

index/match is the alternative to vlookup and probably the more useful and powerful (index/match that is.)

tell them you know how to do both and then learn. or pretend to learn hahahaha.  no one is going to teach you but yourself, and no one can tell you that you are right or wrong, until somebody loses a fookload of money in a few months and looking for someone to fire. you. for getting the answer wrong.

its like doing math problems and you dont have an answer key or a teacher or someone who can check your work, so you never know you’re doing it right. until you get fired for doing it WRONG. hahahaha. this is so stupid.

you know you’re doing it right, if someone hasn’t come back to you in…3 months? and told you you’re doing it wrong hahahaha.

if you ask someone to check your work, you get a reputation as someone needing their hand held, cant do your own work, slows the team down, cant work independently, cant make decisions, cant pull their own weight, drags the team down, looking to lay them off.