heh. i only listen to new-to-me music if it has right wing or nondegenerate ties. obviously death metal flirts with just balls out nihilism as does black metal and many types of metal hahahaha.

but i have been hearing about “disma” repeatedly and yes they do sound good. and craig p on vocals and he has always been one of muh favorite death metal singers since the early incantation days. basically just deep as fook growling, nothing fancy, but just extremely deep and low bowels of hell type grunting. kinda like mortician but i could never get too into morticians music. jsut gimme a vocalist who is serious about getting as low as you can go. and pillard does that.

well imagine my surprise to see marxists and antiracist metal fans CLUTCHING THEIR PEARLS when they discovered he was a BIGOT NAZI SUPREEMIST. that just made me like him more!

and of course big tough antiracist death metal fans boycott the band because of this, call them dickheads and phaggots and douchebags and assholes and big mean meany bigots and get them kicked off of concerts. disma that is. and the music is pretty sick! also dat cover art hahahaha. really good. because reasons hahahaha. wow. just wow. current year. i cant even.

now there was a rumor he was into drugs a long time ago, and i dont like tattoos, but….i appreciate a good race realist hahaha plus he hasnt denied those rumors because theres no way he can, he has said some pretty good stuff on the record and i think even has an album with hitler on the cover hahahahha uncle al.

so good for him. i just hope he doesnt lead a degenerate lifestlye. but his voice sounds great 20 years after his work with incantation.

yeah i just hate the bipolar roller coaster nature of the rel. it was really good, then it got really bad.

i knew shit was not good, but i still didnt see this coming. i thought she just needed to COOL OFF and then would eventually respond to me.

because WHO DOES THIS. how can you EXPECT this out of anybody.

so that business about not a 180, it was like a 10, she was inching towards this…..

i dunno. she was inching towards being DONE with the rel, fine, but that doesnt mean she HAD to end it like THIS.

so in other words, she could have just said, listen we are done, sorry but i cant do this, we had a good rel in the past but i cant continue. sorry, have a good life.

whatever you say when you want to end a rel but the other person doesnt, you try to be nice so they are less devastated.

it doesnt help that i saw a woman who really looked like her at the fatness club yesterday. i just got done with my 9 miles and was about to LEAVE when i saw the woman.

and of course i was like, is that just someone who LOOKS like her, or is it ACTUALLY HER? my eyesight is not super good and they were not super close. i inched closer and basically stared at the woman until she became suspicious of me and then i had to stop staring.

similar body type, similar face, not dressed in whore gym clothes hahahaha i mean wearing modest decent good girl baggy cothes instead of whorish supertight clothes that look like they are painted on. wearing shirt of big summer concert i know she went to.

the only thing was the gym woman seemed to have shorter hair, and i had never known That Person to go to a gym ever.

well maybe she started, just like i started. and she cut off a lot of hair as a way to reinvent herself after knowing such a horrible person as me hahaha so she cut off 2 years worth of hair maybe hahaha. and started going to the gym to meet more hot guys to casually fook hahahaha. these are the type of thoughts i was thinking!!!!

i tried to get as close as possible and try to sneak glances at her from the corner of my eye so it didnt look like i was staring at her, but i was not super smooth and i think she caught on. so i look like a Huge Omega Virgin Creep hahahaha.

so theres arguments for and against why it might have been her. i mean she saw me, if it WAS her, wouldnt she do something? the real her would probably run away if she saw me hahahaha. or maybe she would have waved at me. or maybe just ignored me and kept using the machine like the person did hahahaha.

i mean there are closer gyms to her house. but maybe she moved!

but she never goes to the gym! but maybe she started, just like i did!

but this girl had much shorter hair! and i dont think she would ever cut her hair that short! cuz she was fixated on having nice long hair, and i certainly enjoyed that as well.

i should have just gone right up to the woman and said, sorry for staring, but i thought you were “a friend” of mine, you really look like them. now i can see that you are not that person sorry hahahahah by the way whats your name ayyyy baby u wan sum fukk ayyyy lmao

and then have casual secs with a gurl who really LOOKS LIKE her hahahaha. GR8.

that actually wouldnt be too bad. i mean so casual secs with an attractive gurl can only be a good thing. well, until you get feelings for her hahahaha. but that would be physically impossible atm.

so maybe she cut her hair, and started going to the gym hahaha.

hey if I can start going to the gym, so can ANYONE.

BUT i am guilty of thinking tons of women look like her. all women look like her. except the ones that BLATANTLY dont. i see a Certain Set Of Features and boom. long legs, pale untanned skin, dark long hair, 20s, and boom. its her.

lemmy dead. did i comment on this? i mean is it really a surprise? i didnt realize he was 70, i thought he was like 65 at the oldest hahaha. but yeah its a miracle he made it to 70 and you can find pictures of him in 2015 and he looked pathetic and skinny and at deaths door, kinda sad i mean. the masculine man withered away into a skeleton. well i think his music was HONEST and he was the real deal and an honest guy………but still a degenerate who was Too Into Hedonism.  i just have to point this out because so many hipsters are gonna be sad hahahaha. but lemmy was also a shitlord who had swastikas! i think this is great but i wonder why they ignore it. probably because lemmy made some humanist statement or said something like “all humanity including whites are shitty.” [citation needed hahaha]

but yeah like keith richards its amazing he lived as long as he did.

and i cant deny liking the song ace of spades, i think everybody does. and it signalled a no bullshit no phony no phaggots, masculine, honest musical style that i would probably appreciate if i listened to full motorhead albums like a REAL fan. i would probably go to ace of spades or overkill hahahaha. 80s stuff with the classic lineup. philthy animal taylor hahahaha i know that much about motorhead at least.

but again people who drink all day and do coke all day and bang hundreds of sluts, its a damn degenerate lifestyle, period. wouldnt you get tired of it? wouldnt you want a decent woman to have children with? though im sure lemmy had some bastard children. but if he was a deadbeat father to them who cares? but maybe he gave them a cut of his riches. well he should!

well its hard finding any info about children. he had at least one semi-confirmed bastard child, given up for adoption, when he was like 18. i wonder if he had any nonwhite kids with his black gurlfran hahahaha.

also interesting that he was diagnosed with tons of cancer in his head, brain, and neck, and then died 2 days later. did he K himself with morphine? he said he never did opiates. yet he did SPEED regularly to age 70. drank a bottle of jack a day until his 60s. 2 packs of cigarettes a day till recently.

heh. well i drink tons of coffee. maybe i should switch to speed. might be better on muh bowels. shit.

well COULD lemmy have settled down wiht a nice white gurl and become a family man?

i refuse to believe that any white man does not have that potential. and he’s a bit of an alpha male. he could have totally done it if he set his mind to it. maybe got off the booze and speed and sluts. but that was simply too much to ask.

i guess motorhead always puts on a good show. welp i wouldnt have minded seeing that but looks like i never will hhhehe.

i should just go to a damn white power rac show hahahaha. but they dont put those on the internet. there are more lame news articles about how awful white power music concerts are hahahaha. you have to prove yourself to the WP organizers first. wihch i guess makes sense.

i mean these arent dangerous things. what really IS dangerous is a large happy white family. and indeed that is my ultimate goal.

i mean i wouldnt put my kids in hitler costumes or start the next prussian blue kiddie music band or something. does anyone remember prussian blue? kinda hope not, they were kind of embarrassing but i still trust the mother, she walks the talk and is a decent white woman, maybe she just made a misstep with PB. but HOPEFULLY the girls dont become mudsharks or sluts.

whats worse, a mudshark or a slut? well, mudshark IMPLIES slut, like they shark it up with LOTS of muds. and leave it to me to find the one woman who has some questionable mudshark behavior, but is NOT a slut. imho, one is a slippery slope to the other. althoguh i would say slut comes first, then msharking. so its weird to see msharking present BEFORE the sluttiness. no im not talking about PB, im talking about That Person im obsessed wiht and trying to get over.

i think the girls will be ok, so they smoke a little MJ and become Lefty for a few years, as long as they dont become sluts, they should be ok. like i say, (not) being a slut is THE most important thing.

its frustrating when somebody is willing to be emotionally mature with other men, but not with you.

they are willing to talk and communicate with the men they love, willing to try; but with you, they dont even want to LISTEN to you. NO willingness for anything whatsoever.

yeah i was not perfect, yeah i made a mistake, but it was more of an accident, and it wasnt cheating or abusive. i just had feelings and i was reluctant to blurt it out by email or text or at work. is that SUCH a crime?

what is the proper punishment for cowardice?

i mean i eventually told her hahahaha

also she could have said ok this is ridiculous we need to talk already

but more she was like this is ridiculous, and we are never going to talk again.

yep it hurts a lot to be thrown away like garbage by someone you love. i mean someone you DONT luv CAN throw you away like garbage, cuz you are glad to be done wiht them too.

dont hate me just because i liked you, dont hate me because i was scared to talk about it. i was heavily signalling, you already KNEW, and you refused to let me talk to you about it in person. you avoided me like the plague because you picked up on the hint and just wanted to avoid me until i went away. well i went away all right hahahaha.

but jesus christ just write an email, respond to the 4 emails i sent you. how hard is that? respond once, then you can block me.

there are situations where the woman is more willing than the man. the woman is begging the stubborn man, please please work with me, please talk to me, please listen to me. in fact i think she was IN that position recently. i just wish she had been OPEN to LISTENING to me, rather than CLOSED.

and usually its the GUY, me, who is seen as In The Wrong here, so thats why i blame myself. she was closed to me becuase i was PUSHING her too much. i pushed her AWAY permanently.

yeah well she also could have LISTENED to what i had to say and RESPONDED to it.

in other words, she was trying to AVOID the talk even more than i was. i was only half avoiding it, cuz i really WANTED to talk, but was scared. she didnt want to talk whatsoever.

yeah its important that im not the bad guy, because i dont want to blame myself. like oh i screwed up this was all my fault because i did this one thing.

i guess a person like me will ALWAYS FIND ONE THING like that.

so you turn it around and say, well, she could have tried. she could have been willing. if she was willing to meet me halfway, she would have met me halfway!

so i found out one of muh fav songs by my new fav band v————i which features a guy i have had a mancrush on for a long time, but i was on the fence about him being a degenerate, that was the one thing i didnt like about him, is i thought he was kind of a soulless degenerate and he could do better than that…..and lo and behold, inthe current year 2015 i discover he has yet ANOTHER musical project which is very nondegenerate and which completely redeems him in my eyes! i dont say his name because its kind of a semi open secret. otherwise i would have known about this band years ago!

but it turns out the song is a cover of another finnish “RAC” band called sniper:

looks like a good time amirite?

this is the type of thing that commie phaggots and degenerates do protests on and want to SHUT IT DOWN.

also apparently vapaudeniristi themselves started running into problems playing shows in 2015. maybe this is when someone revealed to the english speaking world that they have a pretty Big Guy in this band.

i think it is FOOKING AWESOME as i said. it was one of the best discoveries of the year for me, and made me like this guy EVEN MORE. when some people disappoint me and break my heart, other people reaffirm my faith in them.

anyway i dont care about lyrics, i care about music, becuase lyrics usually suck. give me bad lyrics and good music. but a lot of RAC seems to be lyrics first, music second. which makes sense for that, because they have a real message they want to get across. but imho it would really help to have good songwriters and musicians and producers too, and My Big Guy is already one of those. he writes decent songs, he’s got a GREAT voice, he plays all instruments well, and he is a GREAT producer. he knows how to make anything SOUND good. he has a great ear for that. for us autists that freak out over Guitar Sound and Snare Drum Sound and Mixing and how everything sounds. he is just as autistic.

yeah well there are some people that boycott him becuase hes a RACIST and i never understood that. because he had one anti-zionist lyric on one song on one black metal album 10 years ago. really???

well this other band is a bit more blatant it seems. and i am very happy for it!

i love the image of commie crushers and skinheads in Combat Boots beating the shit out of communist Antifascists!

now i am too cowardly to physically beat people, but i love the idea of Crushing Degeneracy.

and with the catchy, short, upbeat songs, catchy riffs, melodies, the shouting choruses, and this guy has always had one of my favorite Voices anyway, to hear him roaring all these lyrics in finnish is pretty good.

its more immediate and more HUMAN and more emotional than his other stuff, which is cold and hateful and nihilistic. this stuff is more….optimistic or happy or positive and takes a stand for something Special. something he and we all can really believe in.

i cant believe he has the TIME! he already did TOO MUCH before i knew he was in this band….which also does a LOT.

i am glad he plays shows with them too. i wish he would play shows with his black metal project, and his doom project.

when he plays shows with his RAC project, the communists try to shut it down. i guess there were journalists printing lies about him and on his youtube channel you can hear him calling a journalist. and then they speak finnish for 10 minutes hahahahah.

anyway he basically does all his real “RACIST” stuff in finnish which is why i dont want to make him a target for all the non-finnish-speaking marxists.

plus he is in a big metal band which is liked by a lot of leftist antiracist pussies.

or people boycott this other up and coming black metal band just because they are on his LABEL and are friendly with him.

my question is, how racist are the lyrics of his RAC band?

hehe google translate is horrible with finnish. i translated the finnish lyrics of sniper’s isanmaa aka “fatherland” and the stuff was not degenerate at all.

” Fatherland wake up the son of the Finnish – Too much injustice, too many to death! So, the fatherland give us a sign for battle! You are too important to fight you to freedom, the fatherland! ”

its not abut getting drunk and banging sluts and acting like lemmy in other words hahaha.

and the translation of my boys lyrics that ive been able to find, are not bad. basically i dont want Stupid Skinhead stuff but i am becoming more open to it hahaha.

speaking of finnish this band moonsorrow is pretty good and has 2 good real epic songs.

they are not racist though. they have been accused of it of course! and denied it like pussies. we dont hate anyone, we just like finnish language and legends. WELL GOOD FOR YOU hahahaha.

this is all hilarious with the long running “joke” that finnish people arent even white. and some poeple are pretty serious about that. ohhh the finns are more mongolian. DNA wise they are far apart from all other europeans. they are the least europid people in europe. they are just mongolians who came over and turned albino. they dont even speak a european language.

apparently moldbug has his “law of sewage”, which is:

a barrel of sewage plus one drop of wine is a barrel of sewage.

a barrel of wine plus one drop of sewage is a barrel of sewage.

hehehehe obviously i kind of like this. even though moldbug is autistic as FOOK. he is worth reading a little bit of, i did back in 2012 and 13 hahaha. yeah hes at least half J but hes an ok guy. and he is getting kicked out of tech conferences because of his damn political views. because tech people are all sjw’s now. so weird. his real name is now out there, you can look it up, im not gonna say it.

anyway i just have no frame of reference for what happened to me, for what she did. i thought she was a better person than that. she probably IS a better person than that, this is just her big mistake, and i wont be able to convince her otherwise.

it would be easier if i culd just say, welp shes really just a horrible person, but i know shes not.

i wish she WERE, cause that would be easier to blame her, and harder to blame me!

i cant think of a famous story that parrellels this. its not like romeo and juliet.

its hard to sum up in 1 sentence, but its basically unrequited luv that ended very badly.

there was no cheating or no abusing, just…..a man loving a woman who didnt luv him back.

so yeah. nothing new or exciting there!

so lemmy was sad because his friend and motorhead drummer philthy animal taylor had died in november 2015 and lemmy made a remark like “they take a great guy like him, but people like george bush are still alive” which may indicate lemmys total normie blue pill perspective. or perhaps lemmy was just feeling shitty himself and couldnt think of a more shitty person than george bush. jeez why am i picking on LEMMY? show some respect for the DEAD. but yeah i dont like george bush either but the cooler thing to say would be like angela merkel or barry o or hillary hahahaha.

well the good thing abotu motorhead is the masculine energy, the sense of being alive and revved up and ready to dominate and kick ass. kind of like the commie crusher feel of RAC music. gives you courage to charge into battle. in a more straightforward way than some black or death metal. just high tempo ass kicking high testosterone manly man rock. like say acdc as well.

i dont even like using the term RAC but i dont know whatelse to call it. nationalist hard rock? with driving motorheadish songs that are less about drinking and fooking and more about crushing commies and securing the existence of our people? yeah ok sure sounds good!

heh lemmy should have just become a racist and made motorhead an RAC band with similar music, but them him quitting drugs and booze, and having a large white family.

hehehe what do my lads at trs forum say about this? probably that he was a degen.


links to threads on dead forum. that forum was public and you could actually read them without logging in. and any old schmuck like me could also register without an invite. glad i was able to get in on that. hahaha. watch now they ban me because i dont have enough posts or rep.




it has been 83 days since i was horribly dumped and i guess i feel better than i did at the beginning, i mean dat feel when you wake up and it takes a few moments to realize your life is ruined is horrifying! now you know it right away and it isnt nearly as scary.

a SHIT TEST? is that all this was was a goddam crummy lousy bullshit shit test?  because women can give shit tests without knowing it?

going back to that ridic stefan vidya on polyamory, promiscuity, he basically seems to be optimistic that the couple can figure this out with some serious you guessed it communication.

i mean i would guess she dumps him very soon. be nice to see a Follow Up in 6 months.

anyway he said, well if she values EMPATHY and COMPASSION, the fact that he is unhappy and miserable about her fooking other guys, should make her say, hey the guy i luv is very unhappy about this, i dont like making him unhappy, im gonna take his feelings into consideration, and not do this, because his feelings are important to me. its more important that he’s happy than i leave the door open for random dick.

well it was apparently not important to The Woman that I was made happy by talking or hanging out with her! she didnt care that i was miserable!

also the idea that it was a “subconscious shit test” again takes away any responsibility from her, and again puts the blame 100% on me. oh if i had just passed the shit test, its all my fault. i cannot have that way of thinking!

i dont think we SHOULD treat women like Bratty Children. we CAN treat women like immature adults. even if the man is supposed to Lead and be Masculine, doesn’t mean he totally Dominates or Enslaves his woman. she still has free will.

well, ideally. but obviously the Average woman IS an immature child where if you dont want them to destroy your life, you MUST dominate them!!!!

dominate them or else they’ll destroy you. sounds great!

so yeah i dont want to get hung up on this shit test idea. besides i didnt think you got shit tests until after you banged the gurl. well if its a decent woman who doesnt bang every guy she knows. and she was a decent women wawawawawawaawawa.  so therefore she is entitled to give me shit tests before i bang, or even date her?

no need to overcomplicate this, over think it, go to Occam’s razor, she simply did not want to Date me, that much is obvious.

YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE WHO TAKES SHIT. Stop being shitty and make me a sammich hahahaha.

you either hang out with me and show me you still care about me, or we’re done. officially.

then i would have dumped her before she could dump me hahahaha.

but i was too in luv, too invested, to be able to do that.

thats why you have these discussions early, before you fall too deep in luv.


so after a few months, i was fully in the throes, and very emotionally compromised,and put her on a huge pedestal, which is what luv is, so dont hate the pedestal, hate the pvssy hahahaha.  no luv grows like a fungus, fairly quickly, and if you avoid talking about it, it turns bad.

hahaha funny. looks like i avoided talking about something important too. then it became too important for me to avoid. but she wanted to keep avoiding it.

so i should have put the foot down and said we’re not gonna avoid this any more. THIS ENDS NOW. I have feelings for you, thats why things have been so weird. i know it’s a bad time for you. sorry but thats how feelings work. they happen at weird times. take it or leave it.

and then she would leave it and i would have been spared some time and pain.

ok fine i applied for this goddamn job pool thing which closed today at 11:59 hahahaha. really half assed it. only did jobs going back 10 years, did not put name of supervisor or anything that wasnt asterisked. but i lied and said i applied for it earlier, and really it is an ok idea to apply, so i applied for it.


LETTER: ok. this is obviously an unsent letter. if you were to send it, you would take all the harsh mean stuff and say everything in a nice way.  and thats exactly what i did with the letters. you start off being honest, totally honest, then go back and smooth it over in a way that you could actually say to a person. remove the anger and the accusations. thats what i did!!!! owned my feelings, tried to use I statements and minimze You statements.

i will not do that here, this will be more raw.

OK. so i was very mad and upset at how this ended up. i thought you cared for me. i realize you dont like like me, but damn please dont throw me away like a piece of garbage. so i was weak and pushy and annoying. i still dont think that cancels out everything we had before. so you didnt share my feelings. you really didnt have to dump me in the most hurtful way possible. that really hurt me. it didnt have to hurt so much. i wish you had just talked to me and told me. i wish you had responded to any of my 4 emails. the first one would have been a good opportunity. do you understand how this was painful to me? have you ever had strong feelings for someone but they refused to talk to you? what happened when you tried to bury these feelings deep and pretend they werent there? have you ever gotten feeligns for someone who was a friend for 2 years? probably not. but it is no fun when you cant talk to the person, and they are pulling away from you. you begin to blame yourself for absolutely everything, it eats away at you, well at least thats how i felt. my confidence and strength was destroyed. so im sorry i wasnt very strong or courageous about it all. as all this went on for month and motnhs with no resolution or no communication, it ate away at me.

so thats why i was annoying. but i dont think me being annoying was being ABUSIVE. i was just upset and worried and anxious and wanted to talk, but i was not getting the chance to talk. however i just couldnt bury or extinguish my desire to talk, because my desire to talk was because of the feelings i had for you, and i couldnt extinguish those.

it hurts to get the silent treatment from someone you care about, whether you have special feelings or just friendly feelings. i felt like i was getting shut out of your life and i didnt want that. i wanted to be a part of your life and you to be a part of mine. it hurt so much to get that rejected. i hope you can understand this. thats why i was so pushy to communicate, and thats why i was so utterly devasted when you stopped talking to me.

yeah i should have been stronger and just sucked it up and keep calm and carry on. maybe if this had all happened a few months earlier i could have. but by that time it had been eating away at me for too long, and i was ery emotionally and mentally compromised by the stress, of having something important to talk to you about, and not being able to do it.

yeah i should have just said something months earlier. that is one of my biggest regrets. as well as not asking you directly about your new BF last year, or asking you about your feelings towards me, or talking about my feelings towards you, or telling you the instant i started changing in october, like hmmm i think things are changing right now.  i was too cowardly to talk about those feelings. i learned that the price of NOT talking about them, is too great to avoid. that is, its best to talk about them sooner than later. it will be awkward but the short term awkwardness is worth it, to get past any long term conflicts, and get everything out in the open as soon as possible, so everyone is open and honest at all times.

i could feel you becoming gradually more distant and this hurt me too, to have someone who was once my friend, not want to be my friend any more, not want to talk to me any more, not care about me any more.  yeah our friendship would have to change or end because of my feelings, but that doesnt mean you can totally disrespect the other person and treat them like garbage. i know you didnt intentionally do this, but i felt like i was being treated like garbage, like just an annoyance that should disappear forever. this is a terrible feeling!!! it is very shattering to my self confidence to get that from someone who once was so nice to me. to be held in high regard, then held in low regard, by someone that i still cared about greatly. this was heartbreaking to me.

was this all because of a “shit test”? were you just testing me? why the fook couldnt we just talk like two adults? because i was not an adult? i was the bad guy? i just wanted to talk to you and make the best of a very bad situation!!!!! you made the situation 100000 times worse! i wanted to put water on the fire. you threw gasoline on it!!!!

im not accusing you. thats just what it looks and feels like to me.  and i am heartbroken and devastated.  i worry about my ability to connect with women in the future. are all women like this?

i want to forgive you because that means i will have let go. i am still angry though. i forgive you partially right now, because you probably didnt know what you were doing, much like me. lots of not clear thinking. you didnt MEAN To hurt me this much. but the situation still hurt me and i believe you could have done more to treat me more kindly and i would hurt LESS. so i am still a little angry and i am not through forgiving you. forgiveness is a process which takes time. it will be a while before i can let go of ALL the anger. but i hope to get there someday.

best wishes to you. but i still want you back and cant let you go entirely right now. this shocking heartbreak will take a long time to get over. at least 6 months, if not a whole year. my feelings for you were real. they were not simple lust or infatuation. they were built on knowing you and being your friend and trusting you for 2 years. that is a pretty big deal. and ending something that significant and substantial should be done in more respectful of a manner than just throwing the person away like garbage.

i dont think i was so shitty that you couldnt even write me an email or facebook message. just say sorry but i cant do this anymore, have a good life, things were good once but i am done. just say that for gods sake. i didnt deserve one simple but powerful sentence because i was weird and pushy?

relationship experts agree that dumping somebody with no communication is the worst, most painful way to end a relationship. it is only justified if the person has been abusing you. i may have been annoying you, but i was not ABUSING you. you ignoring and avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment and stonewalling, was closer to Emotional Abuse, than was me, pushing you to talk. i was only pushing you out of a positive kind caring feeling. that feeling is by definition totally absent when you avoid and freeze somebody out. you cant freeze somebody out out of love. or if you are, at least TELL them. tell them what you are doing.  this has been the most frustrating and painful experience ive faced in years. in a way this feels worse than a loved one dying. becuase i know that they loved me and didnt choose to die. here i feel like you are rubbing salt in the wound, that you REALLY dont care about me at ALL any more and you’re gonna prove it to me.

and i dont even think thats true! i think you still care about me a LITTLE, more than what this action is saying.

also i know you are a better person than to do something this cruel, which makes it all the more shocking and frustrating and painful.

but yeah i will forgive you and stop being angry at you in 6 to 12 months. i just wished you hadnt been so harsh.

how could you hate me that much? this seems like a vengeance thing that you do only to people who have really wronged you, abused you, betrayed you. i dont think i did any of those things, at least not to this extent! im sorry i didnt respect your boundaries but i dont think you respected my boundaries either.

i just cant beleive you hated me that much or had lost that much respect or caring for me. did our time together mean anything to you? how long did you hate me? when did you start “packing your bags?” for me it started to get too much around february. i should have just told you everything by then rather than dragging it out till july.

but yeah i feel terribly rejected and heartbroken.

i wasnt perfect but i dont think i was THAT BAD to be treated like this. no one deserves to be treated like this. i know you are a kind person. you used to be kind to me. how could you be so unkind to me? it already hurts to end an important relationship.

its natural and normal for relationships to end when one person gets feelings but it can be done in a respectful and compassionate and kind way that shows you care about the well-being of the person, and dont think they’re garbage just for getting feelings for you. nobody is garbage for getting feelings.

this was an important relationship for me. i know at one time it was for you too. i cant believe you wouldnt try to end it in more of a friendly manner.

i know you didnt intend to hurt me so much and part of the hurt you cannot control, because you cannot control what kind of feelings you have about me, meaning i would be disappointed if you couldnt have feelings for me, but that is no ones fault. it is in your power though, to appraoch this situation in a more friendly manner so that there are not hard feelings. i dont want to end this in this way, and you still have the power to end this in a less painful way. just tell me that you dont hate me, that our friendship was important.

this is such a disappointing end to to such a beautiful friendship. we started to have some trouble in the last few months but that doesn’t mean it has to end this way. lets share our feelings and thoughts with each other and give each other respect.

so i screwed up. so i kept saying lets hang out instead of let’s TALK. i cant really say it was obvious that i wanted to talk about something. I just don’t know how obvious it was. i should have said more directly that i wanted to talk about something important to me. in the meantime i tried to send different sorts of signals to you, to indicate that i had new feelings. thats why i was texting you more than i had before and acting different in general.

i know women dont respect weak and unconfident men. this is the absolute worst thing you can be to a woman, they will respect you less than someone who hurts them directly, like a cheater or a deadbeat. but honestly. im not just some random unconfident guy. you know i can be more confident. i am just going through a phase right now. its part of being human. we all have our ups and downs. i will get through this, it just takes time, and i would appreciate your support, rather than the contemptuous condemnation i feel i am getting.

i know you have been abandoned by people in your life. you know how bad it hurts then. please dont do that to me. dont make me remember YOU as an abandoner, because i know you’re a better person than that.

we can totally end our relationship and never have to talk to each other again. but i feel like you are treating me like i am a horrible person. i am really not a horrible person, not for liking you, and not for being awkward about telling you.

it is devastating to feel abandoned by someone you cared greatly for. who you wanted to be in your future. well obviously you didnt want to be in my future but when one person rejects another person its inherently painful. one does not need to add any more pain to it, unless they absoultely hate the other person and want them to suffer. i cant believe you’d want to make me suffer, when we had been good friends for 2 years.

this is killing me. i will never give up on love and i will always risk heartbreak to get it. but this didnt have to end this badly. i came to you with a spirit of cooperation and oppenness. i feel you were avoiding me, with a spirit of closed-ness. there was no way an open person can cooperate or communicate with a closed person.

its okay to have time and space and distance and to end our relationship, but please communicate about things like this, or you risk hurting someone deeply. communication is VERY VERY VERY important.

if i were doing something to make you this mad and hateful at me, i wish you would have told me or even argued or screamed or fought with me. that would tell me that you cared enough about me and the relationship to confront me about it and do something about it. i would have done my best to stop hurting you.

but you also cant expect me just to stay away from you forever. that is not reasonable. me wanting to talk to you, and even hang out with you once in a while, is reasonable. i did try to give you some time and space. but i couldnt do that forever. you were my friend and i wanted to see you and spend time with you. i dont think that is unreasonable for friends to expect of each other. if you wanted more time and space, you have to communicate about it. i could have given you more time and space if you told me more or communicated with me more or met with me just to talk about what was bothering you.

so women are supposed to hate weak men even more than they hate an abuser or an abandoner. supposedly women hate a weak “nice guy” worse than they hate a violent, dominating, cheating, monster. because at least that guy is strong and masculine. i can understand this to an extent but only to an extent. does it always have to be that way? do all women have to be like that? i was a weak nice guy, did you have to hate me THAT much? I never abused you. i never really HURT you other than being weak and annoying, which is a much lesser kind of “hurt” than cheating, violence, abuse, betrayal.

did you have to hate me that much?

maybe you didnt hate me. i think you were just overwhemled and wanted to avoid dealing with a tough situation, pretend none of this existed.

thats valid but god damn did it hurt me. the problem with that is that you can pretend none of this exists, but thats really hurtful to me to be on the receiving end of that. to be the one pretended like they don’t exist. when the one doing that pretending is someone he once thought of as a good friend. and they thought of him as a good friend too.

you told me i was a good friend. i wish you told me that you wanted to stop being friends.

i wish i could have just presented my feelings to you, and have you say “sorry but no thanks i cant do that, but i dont hate you for it.”

i wouldnt have hated you if you got feelings for me. in fact long ago i thought you might have. im sorry i was too scared to mention anything. i shoudl have asked you straight up. but i didnt want to interfere or break up your relationship. it was only after your rel ended that i started to think about you differently. if you started really acting you like you liked me i might have said something. but i wouldnt avoid you. i would want to resolve the issue by talking about it.

if you even could have responsed to email1 or any of the emails, that would have been a lot better. that would have felt like we were having a discussion about our relationship.

even if my feelings were one sided, the communication surround the end of the relationship did not have to be one sided.

i know you know abotu the importance of karma. its just really bad karma. i know youre not a bad person, but this is a really shitty thing to do. getting used to doing things like this is how a good person becomes less good. you dont need to hurt your karma by doing this. you’re better than this. youre a good person. dont do something really shitty to ME, who was once your friend, who still cares about you. i dont want to remember you with bitterness.

and i will forgive you one day, it will just take a little longer. but it really sucks that it had to end this way. this could have been a lot less painful. there could have been better karma. this is terrible for my confidence. i have experienced a lot of failure and rejection in my life and it doesnt get any easier. it has led to depression and anxiety which is partially why i have not developed very much in my life for my age. i am tired of failing, scared of failing again, tired of trying even, when everything ends up in failure. its been like that with school, work, and relationships especially. im tired of trying, and ive lost my ambition. i will never give up on having a good relationship though, because thats more important to me than school or career. i can live with a mediocre job. but i would not want to have a mediocre relationship. i would rather be alone. but i am tired of being alone. i would rather have a good relationship with a good person than be alone all my life. you are a good person and i thought you were the one for me. obviously i am not the person for you at ALL.

you can reject my feelings but dont reject me as a person in such a harsh, mean way.


///////////end letter for now hahahaha

heh 83 days later and i briefly went back into muh facebook and she is STILL blocking me. good lord.

well maybe she can’t unblock me when i have my account deactivated, which i do 99.999999999% of the time!

i think this is the case.

well according to this at least. yes. you do have to have an active facebook, for them to unblock you. hehehehe maybe she wanted to unblock me, but couldnt beccause i wasnt even there!!!!!


anyway facebook clearly sucks so i am glad i only reactivated it for 30 minutes or so. then deactivated it. i did NOT look at the damn messages i we exchanged back in the day.

i dont even know why. well thats a lie. i wanted to see if she was still blocking me.

but it looks like she cant UNBLOCK me if i am not ACTIVE. so yeah she always will be blocking me as long as i am not active!!!

well she has my email and phone number if she really is desperate to get hold of me!!!!!!!


of course she doesnt WANT to get ahold of me…..or else she WOULD have.

but i cant say she’s “still holding a grudge because she hasnt unblocked me” because i dont think she COULD unblock me even if she wanted!



maybe she wanted to unblock me but couldnt. i looked at some co workers but i did not look at any of her family members or people where she would be SUPER likely to post. but rather people where she might post. i know im blocked because i cannot find her in my search box. no i did not want to use the direct url of her FB page. its horrible that i remember what it is!!!!!!

well i also wanted to see if anybody had sent me any messages. i dont know if they even CAN if you are deact. i didnt see any messages. im still not sure if they can.

hehehe because i thought she might have unblocked me and sent me a Reconciliation message, was my hope hahahaha.  so obviously i am not nearly over this.

hehehe it looks like people are working a lot of overtime at muh job. 30 hours a week of overtime alone hahaha. ie 70 hours a week. this is what they do.  i guess its better to pay many people 30 hours of overtime than to hire them full time? but couldnt they just put them on salary and make them work overtime for free?

heh. i just dont understand it. wouldnt it be cheaper to do that? or to hire more people so they wouldnt have to give overtime?

i wonder how much overtime she is working.

whenever there was an opportunity for overtime, i would say NO THANK YOU. overtime was time and a half, ie a pretty good rate, yet i was never willing to work EVEN ONE HOUR of overtime, was how much i hated it hahahaha. i am not answering phones and dealing with ridiculous shit for even ONE HOUR of 30 dollars an hour pay hahahaha. no it wasnt THAT much hahahahaha. but it was still high.

the only time i ever worked overtime was when it was absolutely mandatory and they gave you no choice.

that is a great measure of how much do you hate a job. do you AVOID taking overtime at every opportunity?

that was really the only way i was a “bad” employee, is that i was never THIRSTY for overtime. plenty of people are, because they have Huge Debts and Kids and are one paycheck away from the Streets.


other than that i was a pretty good Employee. like actually smart. smarter than her hahahaha.

hahahaha wawawawawawaw i want Cuddles. I really wanted Cuddles with the woman. i have not have Cuddles in….since….shit 2005 sometime? about maybe may or june 2005 i cuddled with woman3 and maybe woman2, and that was it son. no cuddles for 10 years!

hahahaha no no Sex either. i thouht you had to cuddle to have secs.

no you really dont. bitches these days. maybe 10 years ago the raw hedonism of sex went along naturally with the tender warmth of cuddling. but not in 2015! they have been cleaved in twain!

very strange that women can take the emotion out of it. perhaps the most naturally emotional thing, and the most emotional people, can suck all the emotion out of this thing?

i dont believe it.

that’s why these open rels and promiscuity and casual sex are such clusterfooks!!!! people say they arent, but they really ARE, and they KNOW it, and deep down, they dont WANT it.

but people can FORGET their human natures, such that when they feel rumbles of it, they are confused, or they want to supress these unnatural, violent, Oppressive urges.

anyway i like cuddles! even more than sechs! you cant get diseases or have to have abortionz from cuddles! god damn!

are All Women Emotionally ABUSIVE? what she did was well not evil per se, but SHITTY. it wasnt as bad as cheating, but it was still bad. shitty. and arguably Silent Treatment over the long-term is Manipulative and Emotionally/Psychologically Abusive.

well she wasnt giving me silent treatment over long term, but she was avoiding me over long term. then when the silent treatment kicked in, i went apeshit. that was it. i was done hahahaha. she was done too. well i didnt want to be done with her, but i was done with that situation.

my job made me anxious and she made me anxious. they both made me quite anxious. each made the other worse. i might have been able to handle HER if the job were less anxious. but yeah both shitty things at the same time blasting me in the face. no good. couldnt handle it any more.

yeah i kinda like writing that letter. it has led to more writing hahahaha. i still have things that i want to say TO HER, but i CANT, so writing it To Her is the next best thing.



96 sunday

poker start and maths phd chris ferguson was able to start a bankroll of tens of thousands of dollars off freerolls, ie, free tournaments, tournaments that you can enter for free. these of course are the only kind of tournaments i play, and very begrdugingly at that cuz i prefer cash/ring games.

so the aim is play more aggressively than usual, go all in early and regularly so you build up a huge stack.

and of course going all in you risk losing it all.

i still refuse to go all in unless my hole cards are OK at least!

went for 2.8 mile walk. no jogging. cuz its sunday and i want to let muh legz rest.

funny i completed the walk only 4 minutes slower than i do when i am jogging. and certainly during muh jogs i jog more than 4 minutes. therefore at those times i must be WALKING slower than i do when i am JUST walking.

and it also burns about the same about of calories, 280, as does walking and jogging.

basically it looks like jogging give no health benefit whatsoever.

shit so disappointing that the woman acted so immature to me, because i try to SCREEN FOR such immaturity. i thought she was Strong and Moral and Mature and Decent. and she generally IS, which is why she passed my screen! but in THIS particular situation, boy she really screwed it up hahahaha.

well she would say I screwed it up because i got feels, im the one who changed.

well that doesnt mean you cant talk about it like an adult!!!!!!

un fooking beleiveable. if this ever happens again, i will be writing tell all blurt it out emails within 3 months of getting feels hahahaha.

and not be afraid to ask about boifrans, and how do you feel about me, do you like me, and i dont have feels for you now, but i MIGHT in a few months, lets keep a dialogue going about this ok. it helps if you are young, not ugly, not fat, have no kids, and are not a slut, ie have a number below 4 hahahaha.

or 3 hahahahaha.

i like women that have not taken a lot of cox. that respect the power of preggers.

well i would totes have casual sex with a fook buddie right now if they were attractive. and i wouldnt judge them too harshly for abusing their uterus like that.

i guess what really matters is that BOTH PEOPLE AGREE WITH EACH OTHER.


do both people agree this is casual sexs?

do both people agree it is serious monogamous longterm rel sex?

or is one person wanting one thing, and the other person wanting another thing?

is it ONE SIDED or TWO SIDED hahaha

note: there are situations where people are Fook Buddies for a while, then the man gets feels, and then it turns into something similar to what i had. though probably worse, because you actually fooked them, and they feel nothing, and you are in deep luv.

well i would GUESS that because you are FOOKING, you have a better chance of getting the B to respond to you and talk to you! even if they are like yeah sry even tho ive known you for years and weve fooked 10000 times i still have deeper feelings for guys i have only JUST MET.

unbelievable.  they have deeper feels for some random scumbag they JUST MET, than someone they have known for YEARS, and have at least some sort of friendship with. those people they dont care about at all. how can such backwards, inhuman, evil people EXIST?

how can they live with themselves? they have no conscience, they are sociopaths, thats how, they dont care about right or wrong, thats why they can murder their own children and break so many hearts so callously. these are not humans with human souls! they are EVIL MONSTERS! nightmarish, grotesque demons! sadistic torturers, SOCIOPATHS!

even the ones that seem NICE! that dont seem like Sociopaths, and will not be sociopaths to anyone else ever, will be sociopaths to YOU hahahaha.

Women, on average, are way more EVIL than men are! you just get some male outliers, like the psychopaths who kill 50 people. you dont get as much of that with women, the bell curve is flattened, and women dont serial-kill so much, but they do break a lot of hearts mercilessly, ruin a lot of lives mercilessly, and murder a lot of unborn babies mercilessly. and these Everyday Evils, which Women perpetrate so casually, so callously, are what makes the Average Woman WAY more Evil than the Average Man!!!!!!!!!!

this is why i constantly go walking or jogging hahahaha.

and yet i am still fat, not morbidly obese, but still A Bit Overweight and could not pull an attractive woman.

is it harder to pull a woman for Casual Secs or for a Long Term Rel?

I DUNNO. I have pulled women for Short Term Fun and it wasnt particularly HARD when i did it. it was more an issue of SUPPLY. At College it was like a Pleasure PLayland of 18-21 year old gurls, where 60% of people were a Cute Young Gurl. the Real World isnt like that. Get a room of 100 people and only 3 or 4 of them TOPS will be a cute young gurl!

so all i needed to do was go to parties or hang out with friends and go to places with Alcohol And Women. Period. That’s All. It Took Embarrassingly little charm or confidence or Alphaness or charisma.

after i got out of college, the supply of women dropped DRAMATICALLY, AND the ones who were Available For Action were much harder to Pull, even if they were high-number sluts. i used alcohol to give me more confidence but by that time i was drinking TOO MUCH and the alcohol didnt give me ANY confidence, but made me look like a Weird Alcoholic with a Drinking problem, so it HURT my game in other words.

i was thinking that back in summer 2014, female friend seemed like she liked me becuase she was just being friendly, because she was Vulnerable after her Relationship Ending and some people, when that happens, they become Warmer to Everyone? or more friendly? in an attempt to use Other Friendships to Fill the Void of their Recently Dead RElationship. i dunno. just trying to think of Alternate Explanations other than “She liked me THEN, even when she was starting dating some other guy, and i should have struck when the iron was hot, because 3 months later, that door would be closed” because of course that is my biggest regret!!!!

so should you TREAT women like the Immature Infants they are? I dont think you should! Hold them ACCOUNTABLE! Say NO you are an ADULT and you should ACT like one and you have DISAPPOINTED me greatly. i dont care if its not a FUN conversation, lets have it! treat me like a human being! if u liked me 3 months ago, turn that shit back on! shit!

(i dont think she really did like me at that time anyway, she was just Seeking Sympathy and Warmth after her Rel Ended. And i mean “seeking sympathy” in a good way, as in, any person would be Vulnerable and Seeking Sympathy then. Comfort and Warmth would be better terms than sympathy.)

damn. she was reflective and sensible and mature on some things, but NOT on the issue of me and hers rel. and i thought she would be. so disappoint.

and of course all i can do now is think of her sucking and fooking all these other guys. not kewl man.

i thought she would come to her senses in time and realize she was being ridiculous. and contact me and say “yeah your right our friendship meant something to me too, but sorry i dont return your feelings, but lets not have any hard feelings.”

but NOooOoOoOoOoOoOoO.

anyway you cant MAKE people DO ANYTHING. i was trying to FORCE her to TALK. if she didnt want to talk, she wasnt gonna talk. and boy did she not wanna talk at all!

its the same thing with cheating. if a btch wants to cheat on you, she’ll do it. if she doesn’t, she won’t. she can go out dressed like a whore and not cheat on you, if she really doesnt want to. she can go out dressed like a Oldskool Traditional Housewife June Cleaver and cheat on you if she really wants to.

so when your B leaves you at home on saturday night dressed like a total cvmguzzling whore, out to the club with her gurlfrans who are also dressed like whores and who are known sluts, just smile and say welp if youre gonna cheat on me aint nothing i can do gonna stop you baby, so just cheat if you wanna cheat.

and shell stamp her feet and say ITS NOT CHEATING WERE NOT EVEN REALLY DATING! and then go and suck 90000000 dicks that very night and it will be SO MUCH FUNNNNNN to get Tipsy and get Covered in Cvm and have 9000000 sweaty dicks rammed down her throat.

this is how i express my pain and anger about being rejected in a very painful way. this has been a VERY painful experience for le me.  hahahaha. no but it really has. it will take a long time to get over this. I WILL SURVIVE but my god i will be angry and sad and hurt and hateful. I already am. This was/is just ridiculous. this is the worst thing in many years. i still cant believe it even happened. but it did.

this is arguably even worse than someone DYING. because if a Luved One DIES, you know they luved you, they know that you luved them, there wasnt any hard feelings, well sometimes there is, but also they dont CHOOSE to die (unless they K themselves!). they either die suddenly on accident, or they are old and you can sort of see it coming. and you Share Some Luv before they die.

but with somebody dumping you in this way, they are saying, i dont want to be part of your life at all because you suck that bad. i dont care if there’s hard feelings, i am DELETING you from my life. just cutting you out entirely, suddenly, no communication needed. you are deleted and i am deleting myself from your life as well.

but you KNOW they still exist and they are out there sucking cok and enjoying life and totally remorseless and have totally forgotten about the pain they have caused you by being such a huge evil bitch.

and you would never think of treating your WORST ENEMY this shittily! and thats how they treated you! like a total piece of shit! it hurts real bad! and takes a longass time (a year) for the pain to go away!!!!!!!! foook!!!!!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING, although it is really only nov 21 as I post this. and the actual stuff I’m posting was written like nov 18. heh. gotta start doing one a days again.

But be thankful for anything good in yer life. Although I realize many people go home to be with their Dysfunctional Families at this time.

If your family is really as Dysfunctional as you think they are, yep that sucks, that’s a travesty, and you shouldn’t even go home for Thanksgiving. Hopefully you have been able to Move Beyond them so you’re not a Total F00kup in life and can hold down a job and maybe meet a nice decent mate and not Continue The Cycle.

anyway here’s the old stuff.

monday nov 18

I shudder to think that The College Career Cult, esp for example Unemployable, No-Account, No-Skills, Shiftless, Lazy 40 year old Male Military Veterans who Are Incapable of Passing Interviews for Minimum wage, Part Time, Substitute Jobs so they must go back to College to get a Degree because they learned and demonstrated nothing in the military, and so now they must get a DEGREE at COLLEGE to be employable….. and of course I’m being facetious because IMHO the jobs just aren’t there. Anyway, COLLEGE has become nothing more than a DISTRACTION, a Time-Occupier, to keep people from noticing the Real Issues of No Jobs, or the fact that Colleges do not train enough for the Actual Jobs Out There. By, for example, shutting down the Humanities and Social Sciences departments altogether and only offering STEM degrees. Or by taking more than 25 people per year into their Physical Therapy program, for example. So Hire more Physical Therapy Instructors.

So COLLEGE has become a BREAD AND CIRCUS, only without the Entertainment and Fun value, AND you have to go into Debt SLAVERY to finance it, AND if you don’t Outperform 90% of people there, you will get nothing out of it but a time and money waster, Especially if you’re an Older Person who’s Old and Might have Health Care Needs.

WHADDYA MEAN you want a FULL TIME job? That’s for Rich Bourge College Kids! Prole College Kids should only expect to work several simultaneous Part Time jobs for the rest of their Pathetic Prole Lives!

Heh. My motto is, if it’s gonna be a bread a circus to occupy the minds of the masses, at least let them ENJOY it, like fat slobs eating junk food and playing vidya and jerking off all day. That’s a LOT cheaper than COLLEGE. Smoking W33d all day for years is cheaper than College!

SUCH a crap shoot. For example, I hear stories that Biology and Chemistry Majors Can’t Get Jobs, that those are the Worst STEM degrees to get. However I Do Know Two Guys who got Chemistry Degrees and Got Good Jobs with Just A Bachelors Degree. But they went to Elite Schools. Not sure what their Extracurricular Situation was like: Internships, Research, GPA, Networking. They just seemed like Average Nice Guys though. I didn’t hate them for being “Tryhards”. Also I think they got their Jobs before 2008. Also they weren’t Neet Virgins, I think they banged actual Young QT’s, hahahahahahahahaha. Like dem excuses mang??

* Well, what if the LORD has given you a SIGN that HE wants you to get a Sociology Degree? Well, I would advise you not to argue with the LORD. I am all for using signs from the Lord. But just be aware that the LORD has directly you to a very risky venture with that one, had he expects you to do A LOT of the heavy lifting yourself. It would have been better for The Lord to give you a sign to major in Medical Docker or Nurse Practicioner or Physician Assistant or Physical Therapy or Computer Engineering or Math or Mechanical Engineering or Electrical Engineering.

nov 19

had interview today with job. good lord that is a big deal, lots of gravitas. Full Time Job, making Twice the money I’m making now, working respectable hours, not being a total loser. Heh although as far as Full Time Jobs Go, this is the Bottom of the Barrel and not the type of thing you Brag about to people with Career Jobs. Nope, this is a Job Job. The Parking Lot was full of Beaters. WElcome to the Real World. No I’m not judging the people driving Beaters because that could easily be me. I’M NEXT.

real weird how one of my first thoughts on actually having a real shot at a Full Time Job is to immediately Disqualify and Disparage it: “OH WELL it might be a fulltime job but it’s a LOSER fulltime job, a job for LOSERS, CERTAINLY not up to par with people your AGE, or ESPECIALLY people you went to UNIVERSITY with, who are now all dockers or lawyers or professors or entrepreneurs or directors of Nobel-Prize Winning NOnprofits or got Grad Degrees from HARVARD or OXFORD, and even when they pick stupid careers like ARTIST or JOURNALIST, they’re FAMOUS and SUCCESSFUL in those jobs. Type of people who would QUIT a Good-Paying JOb just because it was “Too Corporate.” heh heh.

(It really did not help my current situation of being a loser who compares himself to others, that I went to a Successful Person Elite Univ, filled with Winners, and even the Losers were 9000000000000000000x bigger winners than I am. I am quite literally the biggest f00king loser to have ever come from that school. And people who went to “Loser Univs” are also way bigger winners than me, because they’re normalfags who get their work done, network, intern, get useful degrees, don’t worry about others, etc.)

Or like, OH GOD, I can’t update my LInkedIn with THIS, or NOPE I can’t get back on Facebook with THIS.

Or, Oh goody, now I can start not being a virgin because I have a Full Time Job, which is the bare minimum for Pulling Women, but the only Women I could pull with such a LOSER, Low-Status Job is Hambeast Single Momz, Sperm-Burping Gutter Slutz, Hideous Mastodonz, over 35 year olds, etc. Thigh-Arms, Totally Unattractive Women that you couldn’t get it up for, in other words.

And then also a decent amount of OH GOD There will be too much talking in this job, how will I be able to handle it. I want to last at least one year So it doesn’t look like a “SHORT HOP” or someone who Gives Up when the Going Gets Tough. Not sure what the minimum there is, but it’s at LEAST one year. If not Two.

But I would be making like twice the money per year as I am now, so really I’m Twice as big a loser with my current loser underjob, than I would be with this other job.

At any rate, look at that FLOOD of Automatic Negative Thoughts that barged in when something REALLY GOOD Happened. That is VERY telling, VERY educational. WATCH AND LEARN.

I wonder if I also got that huge flood of ANTs (credit Dr Amen) when I had good stuff going on in Muh Luv Life for 2 minutes 9000000000 years ago. That fear and dread that the sh1t is gonna hit the fan REAL soon.

ANYWAY. this whole process has been happening SUPER fast. It was only 8 days ago that I first APPLIED for the job after hearing about it through a Real Life Person, which is muh Guardian Angel telling me, “Do This.”

A simple Resume submit, then calls from Corporate HR, then an Online Personality Test and Skills Test (which was pretty crappy but I knew how to Work It, and then the recruiter said I did REALLY GOOD on it. One of those things where you Lie about your Personality, hahahahah. My trick there was to not go to the extreme, like , “I am MUCH BETTER at conflict resolution than other people my age”, but rather a little bit, like “I am SOMEWHAT better.”

annnnd at 506pm I just got a call from the HR person saying that I could have the job. Whoa.