Aug 9 2013
Well, I guess I was baiting them by talking about them so much, linking to them, talking about wizards. I am actually too scared to visit the link from Wizardchan that sent like 50 people here in one day. Probably saying what a patronizing normalfag I am. so I’m SCARED of WIZARDS?
If anything, I do relate to their “feels” of “Depression.” However I know damn well I fail the Inclusion Criteria, so I don’t post there. In fact, I don’t post ANYWHERE, not even the more “normalfag” ridden r9k. I just don’t want to Talk to People On The Internet! Plus I hate being criticized! This is why I do not allow comments here. I do not walk f00king “DISCUSSIONS.”
Anyway I am NOT HOSTILE to Wizardchan or Wizards. However they might be hostile to my implication that they somehow need to be “fixed.” Heh. I am not implying that. I am just trying to fix myself and anyone else that WANTS to work on fixing themselves. So I guess I could be “poaching” people from Wizardchan. Heh. don’t flatter self.
Anyway just believe me when I say my intention is not to be hostile to Wizardchan, so please do not Rustle My Jimmies! I am just trying to help people with “Depression”, or with being lazy losers.
AUG 7 2013 (wednesday)
think my upped dosage of 15 mg is starting to finally kick in, had a semi vivid dream last night. was real tired in the morning and could not get moving. kinda wanted to get and do my “internship” but could not get moving. Went for brisk powerwalk, now mixed with some jogging. ok great. I could get in and do 1 hour of internship but I can’t get jack s done in one hour, 2 is the minimum. so I decided to use that time to update blog, watch the opening scene of Turin Horse again, hahahaha.
Was actually not feeling too bad, like the Paxil was doing what it was supposed to, when I SAW GIRL 7 in the flesh for the first time since The Big Rejection about Ten Months ago. Actually handled it OK. Was not as confident alpha as I could be, and thankfully there was other people around. Ideally I would have been such a Charming Alpha right there to charm her pants off and make her say “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE” and “Come back to me,” but I was not. OF COURSE she is doing extremely well: succeeding at her Lower Middle Class Useful Bachelors Degree Job, AND getting a new job she wants more, AND taking Summer Classes, AND starting a Useful Masters Degree Program, and not all angry and hateful about it like I would be.
Person who likes school, does well in school, reaps what they sow, doing well, and not becoming a decadent debauched wh0re in the process like most Professional Career Education-Loving Wimmin. I wanted HER, and I also wanted to have her attitude and work ethic. And I ENVIED her because she is STRONGER than me. However, this is largely because she doesn’t hate SKOOL NEARLY as much as me. You will never MEET a person who HATES SKOOL as much as I do! I Hate Skool More than any person has ever hated skool. She does not hate skool, so she is more willing to apply herself to skool, and she doesn’t get all butthurt and give up on skool. heh its a feedback loop of course, she CAN’T hate skool so much because skool has WORKED for her. But skool worked for her because she worked for it, see. You get out what you put in. And I’m not willing to put in anything beyond getting Good Grades. When it’s a combination of good grades, networking, extracurriculars, and a useful major that will get you an actual decent job, like she has!
Heh heh. she is a normalfag who has never experienced how “depression” aka lazy loserness can make you hate skool and fail at skool and then fail at life because you hate everything and give up on everything!
Whatever the case, I never wanted to see her again! But I guess I am holding up surprisingly well given that she is Every Bit As SUCCESSFUL and WINNING as I “feared” she’d be, while I am the same old fat hateful school-hating loser I always was.
Yeah I would have preferred not to see her, but at least seeing her didn’t totally destroy me. Heh. I just hope I don’t see her again! A Man could easily rip an old wound open, especially since A Man has not met any wimmin in the past 10 months to throw her off her Eternal Pedestal! And still thinks about her about 1 minute a day, but thankfully that can easily be turned off after 1 minute. But I did not want to see her ever again, so I am a LITTLE angry and upset.
Same day also got a Rejection Email for the Good-Paying Part-Time Job I spent 8 hours Crafting the Perfect Application to, and really wanted to Get An Interview For. Didn’t get an interview. But I actually appreciated getting something rather than nothing. The tone of the letter was actually really nice and compassionate. And it said that they had 81 people apply. First I was surprised to get a letter, and for the letter to SAY HOW MANY people. Actually I kinda expected MORE than 81 people. Heh. The person they hired better have a MASTERS degree.
Anyway. The Healthy Happy man just observes these setbacks but doesn’t let them hold him back. Just Keeps Struggling On. Resilience. Persistence. 20 mg of SSRI, hahahahahahaha. Happy Dancing. Lift. Pray. 1 minute of Jogging. Banging B1tches decadently. Too Old To Ever Fall In Love Again, hahahaha.
Heh. I almost wish you could PAY Normal Girls money to give you a lap dance. Like Normal Cute Young Girls you see at Skool or Work or The Restaurant or wherever. Because I hate Strip Clubs and Strippers. HATE them. YES I have been to them, and recently, and even gotten A Dance, and still hated the whole experience. Other than the CONCEPT of paying a cute girl to sit on you. That I don’t mind. But I do mind that they’re disgusting strippers. I wish they were “normal” girls.
Heh. I envied her for being Well Adjusted. It’s not that Life Is Easy for Well Adjusted People, it’s just that they have a Better Work Ethic, Better Follow Through, Bounce Back from Setbacks better, don’t get discouraged as easily, and thus Bring Their Goals to fruition, and rightfully appear happy and successful, while others of us look like lazy, angry, bitter, hateful, butthurt, immature losers, hahahahaha.
oK, life may not be EASY for Normalfag Well Adjusted “Neverdepresseds”, but, given the same exact challenging situation, the Neverdepressed will find it a LOT easier than the “Depressed!”
[Note: tonnes o’ grills are good at skool and career and are NOT well-adjusted, they are totes cray c00nts who like cuckolding and abusing men. It goes without saying, I am no fan of them, and I shun them for being godless, godforsaken wh0res. But SHE was DIFFERENT!!!! Waaaaaah!
Note: I’m just kidding sorta, I don’t think these women are Intentionally Sadistic, but they’re just Crazy.]
And I don’t get all Butthurt and mad or even Excited about Women in the past 10 months, SHE was the last Woman I had any sort of Strong Feelings for. All the other ones, I might go HNNNGGGG sometimes, but I just don’t really CARE about them. I CARED for her.
We “Depressed” Losers CAN be legit Annoying because we DO make a lot of EXCUSES. But I posit that these excuses seem damn legit and convincing to us, alot moreso than they do to you, you neverdepressed workaholic tryhard happy healthy successful good job normalfag!
Like Oh, She developed a good work ethic because she had tons of College Mentors in her family guiding her and keeping an eye on her, or She didn’t hate college because she didn’t hate High School, or she was not all angry during high school that she wanted to rebel against everything and “experiment” with drugs and alcohol and dark weird negative movies and music bla bla bla. Or, her challenges were Easier because she was not “Depressed” etc.
Or the idea that “Depression” ITSELF is just an EXCUSE for being a FAILURE and a LOSER, and it is the one flimsy weakass thing standing between us being Morally Inferior Weak Lazy Losers!!!!
Heh. I like to think I have a Great “Depressiondar.” When you see Winner Well Adjusted Normalfags like that, with everything going for them. Maybe they did not have an easy life, maybe they struggled hard as f00k, maybe they were raped and abused and tortured and held prisoner in a sex bunker…..but they never GAVE UP, which might be the HALLMARK of The “Depressed.” You just GIVE UP. You stop trying. You don’t want to try any more, so you stop trying. You know you Shouldn’t Feeeeeeel this way, you know what a normalfag should feel, but, something’s just not connecting any more. Neurotransmitters, hahahahaha. So take your damn medz, who cares if they’re made by Plutocrats. Besides, it’s not like you were Abused or Neglected by your Family! You were raised in a GOOD Family, you have NO REASON to Be such a Loser UNLESS you were born with a Defective Brain somehow! So take the medz to fix it!
But again, I am a Weird Case, because I didn’t start acting out until AFTER age 18. Then you’re an adult and anything you do is your own damn fault.
BUT The foundations for that acting out were definitely in place well before 18: I hated high school, was angry and negative, experimented with drugs and alcohol in high school, felt like it was me against the world, misanthropic, never get a gurlfran, hahahaha. Yep, I did have Above Average amount of Teen Angst. Although All Teens have Some Angst! It was prob hard to tell.
What if I had met Girl 7 while we were both in HIGH SCHOOL? Now there’s a weird thought. I might not have even liked her then. Who knows.
Heh. Yeah. Really wish I had not randomly run into her today.
So now when I try to FOCUS on like Calculus or Computer Programming, I stare at the sh1t and it makes no sense and I get frustrated, and I try to force it in my brain, and I somehow get an A, but boy am I NOT happy about it.
Right now I am supposed to be studying and doing Homework in….don’t want to give too much away, but something Kinda Related to “Web Development.” ASP.NET, Connecting To Data Stores, and it really is kinda stressful and overwhelming, moreso than a class with specific assignments and syllabus and readings and lessons. And me trying to figure stuff out from The Internet and vaguely remembering stuff from years ago. But oh well, I’m giving it X months, I don’t intend to GIVE UP on THIS. I might just not approach it as Eagerly as Girl 7 Approached HER Skoolwork. Even IF this is my one, only, final ticket out of Loserness.
A recurring dream I have is that I’m Back In Elite College, that I’ve been given a Second Chance, and I STILL Screw it up.
Heh. I might make a Documentary for People Like Us. Lazy “Depressed” Losers. Or a Talk Radio Show. Because we DO whine, we DO Make excuses, but I think it makes perfect SENSE that we do whine and make excuses.
I KNOW how off-putting it is to people you might want to somehow impress, so around people like that, I put on a happy face. Because I KNOW Whining is annoying.
I can certainly live without her, but when I saw her, I was reminded of what my life was missing: her or someone like her! And I’ve never really met anyone else like her! basically it shows you how amazing and wonderful your own heart is, to even be capable of such Profound, Transformative, Soul-Nourishing Love. It’s not a need, but it’s definitely a Bigass Want!
Real, real weird, man. Wish this hadn’t happened. Even though I AM dealing with it REALLY well. The LORD is TESTING me. You call that a TEST, I can take that and 90000 times more. heh. but hopefully not.
So yeah I will always be upset that we Couldn’t Be Together, because I was in True Love with her, had absolutely no qualms about Marrying Her, when the idea of Marrying any other woman seems absolutely LUDRICROUS. But with her it would be just great.
But the ever more frustrating thing right now is that I can’t focus and get my work done and can’t advance in life cause I can’t focus my mind and get the work done because I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll never be a Winner with an OK Job, and never Be With A Good Girl like her, hahahahahaha.
Heh. just wish she coulda seen me as a big winner. I coulda been a big winner. I had a real smart brain and I still had a little bit of discipline left in high school! I coulda been a bigger winner than she is now! Then she would have liked me and we could have gotten married and started a fambly.
but it was not meant to be. doesn’t mean I have to SEE her though. I don’t WANT to see her. ever. again. If she wanted to regularly see me, she’d have to understand the strings that go with that. True Love Never Dies. THAT’s why you ideally would NEVER see the person ever again. And then you have some chance of Getting Over Them and Moving On.
next day. day off.
yeah it was bad, but it could have been worse, each day it will get better, just sleep on it a couple days. the real challenge is getting Work Done. being productive, rather than sitting in bed like a lazy loser, like I’m doing RIGHT NOW, hahahaha. excuse was that I needed to charge the mp3 player and put some more vidyas on it. On a kick of watching nothing but “depression” vidyas. If this is my main thing, then I have to face it Head On.
next day, fri:
wow thurs SUCKED. could barely MOVE. like the hangover. but today was a little better. should not take me 9 months to get over seeing her once. maybe only 9 days, hahahaha.
Could not get my work done, could not even get my work STARTED, definite “IMPAIRMENT OF FUNCTIONING” as they say in the literature, haha. Shirked my responsibilities. par for the course, could only watch movies and listen to “Depression” vidyas on youtube.
Regarding The Girl, it’s really TWO “issues”: me being In True Luv with her, AND, what is prob the BIGGER issue, is that she is a total success in every way that I am total failure. She is the Positive, Hardworking, HEalthy, Happy Normalfag I wished I could be, and she has reaped all the deserving successes I wish I could deserve to reap. Did the right things where I, at that Stage Of Life, had made Big Mistake after Big Mistake. So I didn’t just want her, I kinda wanted to BE Her in a way, to have her Healthy, Happy, Hardworking Winner Mind.
So that is huge, prob more important than the actual being in Luv with her, although the two things are intertwined.
SOLUTION: Continue No Contact. This is just further proof that I cannot see her EVER again for the rest of my LIFE.
Of course, this meeting was completely Random, I had no control over it. I can just PRAY it doesn’t happen again. Of course, if I were a Huge Winner by now, it would be easier to take. Everything would be easier to take! “Maybe She would have not rejected me if I were a Big Masculine Winner and not a Lazy Underachieving Loser!”
That kinda stuff.
Heh. It was the impetus I needed to go from 15 mg to 20 mg. 20 mg is the goal, it is the Minimum Effective Dose.
Omar of “Depression Hero.” Just discovered him. I Kinda like him or at least I like what he’s doing. Sorta like what I’d like to try to do. Help people, give them some good ideas.
Now Omar / Depression Hero is pretty Anti-Med, which is fine, since till very recently I was quite Anti-Med too. Heh. Whereas now I am pro-med again. Because without the meds I really can’t think straight and get work done. If I had a decent job THEN I could think about weaning off the meds. Or if I had gotten married to Girl 7, hahahahahaha. The Perfect Mate.
But now I am desperate to clear the anger and hate and distraction from my mind, desperate the think straight and actually follow through with stuff on work/school. Desperate to think straight and do my “internship” stuff and not shirk my new responsibilities, make the most of the help that’s been given to me, not disappoint any more people.
LESSON FOR THE DAY:
If you’re in LUV with a Grill and she rejects you, then insist on NO CONTACT. If you see her Randomly 10 months later, expect to have a real bad day the next day. but then it should get better soon after that. just continue doing no contact. And if she’s a huge winner and you’re a huge loser, realize that will figure LARGELY into yer feels, it’s not just you being in love with her, but all of your OTHER feels about being a huge loser. This is what happens when Losers Fall in True Love with Winners, hahaha.
If you’re feeling Super Desperate, try getting on the Lowest Effective Dose. You may well reach a point where the littlest things are so hard, where your mind refuses to work, where you are desperate enough to take that Plutocrat Poison! Absolutely Anything to Think Straight!
To take a page from Omar Depression Hero: if you can’t Directly COntradict/Refute your Automatic Negative Thoughts, then at least say SOMETHING positive for every negative thought you have, for example: “Thank God I can Walk. Thank God I’m not blind.” that’s a pretty good idea.