sun 12.32 am feb 9

yep when you get a BAD BEAT like that, it makes you reconsider Gambling As A Career. Well, it wasn’t the worst beat, but it wasn’t a decent beat either. I got rightfully happy with KK draw and got a flop 997 i think. then turn K. then river 9.  of COURSE the guy beat my KKK99 full house with FOUR OF A KIND, and he “got me” to go all in right before. Lesson Learned: never go all in unless YOU are the one starting it.  and then I lost like 16 bucks.  holy sh1t. well it’s not bucks. i bought in with .01, got up to .017, and then got CLEANED OUT. was doing GOOD to, OBV should have left at .017 and spent that .007 profit on Gigahashes, hehehe.

so the question is, should i get back to a table NOW, at 12.37 am??? yes, yes of course I should. GAMBLING PROBLEM.

heh. i bet a gambling problem is even worse than a drinking problem. but prob not worse than a Hard Drug Problem.

to know that you could have been UP 7 dollars….rather than DOWN 10 dollars, all in the space of one hand. but it is way more fun than Work.

Church is way more fun than Work, wish I could just sit in church for 40 hours a week. i would rather sit in church for 80 hours a week than work 40 hours a week.

but would i rather PAY to go to SCHOOL and GAMBLE at BETTERING Myself to get a Better/Chiller Job? Because I could get a Business Degree at Online U and not get a chill job, or I could get a Sociology Degree at Harvard and get a very chill job, hehehehehehe. but i could not get into harvard obv, bc i am an old loser wiht no energy and i hate harvard.

but what i COULD have done is get an engin degree at a noname school when i was young, and done VERY well for myself, MUCH better than I am doing now. or would i have found the engin program too hard and gay and quit that like i quit lots of other stuff?? impossible to say.

but i like to think i had tons more energy and drive when i was young. but i’m not sure i did. i still hated doing stuff, everything was a chore. but the record stands, that i still got more done… getting a useless stupid degree, biggest mistake of muh life, hehehe. one of them at least. but even that was a considerable amount of time, effort, and resources. not sure how i did that. why didn’t i quit THAT though? that would have been a GOOD idea to quit. actually I DID sort of quit, because I didn’t like it. then I decided that powering through and finishing it would be a good thing. which it usually IS a good idea. but NOT if you’re powering through to get useless degree. get a useFUL degree. remember what that is? engineering.

but i am not gonna go back to school NOW unless somebody makes it worth my while. but paying 100 grand to do engin homework might just be better than this stupid JOB.


Sunday feb 9 2.38 pm; job you don’t worry about all the time is ideal job.

finally got out of bed. really should go to the store today. and go to bed super early to get my 10 hours to prepare for JOB.

but at least thank GOD i have less of a cold coming in to this week.

so i am not sure how much of a sure think and buying gigahashes is. probably better over the short term than the long term. i think you can actually start LOSING money over the long term.

today: Sunday: like to powerwalk while it’s nice and sunny thank GOD; go grocery shopping; prepare some cigarets for the week; go to bed early; play a little cards and try to win today, hehehehe.

i became rusty while not playing for a few months. i’ve had to re-learn. so:

1. don’t even call to see the flop when the cards look “kinda good”, like say you have an AT unsuited; nope; you will prob lose money because some idiot will make large bets that you don’t feel comfortable calling.

2. never go all in unless you are the one to raise it to all in, it is of YOUR own decision, not the other idiot

3. if you just DONT WANNA call such a big raise, even if you like your cards, especially if you just LIKE your cards but don’t LOVE them, then say f00k it an FOLD. WHEN IN DOUBT, FOLD. otherwise you’re throwing away little bits of money on many hands. which is just as bad as going all in and losing all on one hand.

4. PLAY THE ODDS. PLAY SUPER TIGHT. THE ODDS are not great, so just wait until you have great cards. Play Top 5 or Top 10 cards ONLY.

5. Still be tight/conservative when you have good cards because you can still be killed by a bad beat. note your position. it is hilarious when i say, “just CHECK it, you moron, you don’t HAVE to bet every time”, because i’m in early position and I REALLY don’t want to have to call a raise so idiot with a better position makes. so just FOLD, WAIT, BE PATIENT, until you have great cards, great position, AND great flop, sharpen the Long Knives of Sweet Vengeance, and finally you will get yours.

6. and if you don’t, might have to reconsider Gambling as a Career, and get an Engineering Degree.

ok i got JJ draw and won a sweet 4 dollar pot, came out ahead, and promptly left the table, but the whole time i was angry at the moron who kept raising. STOP RAISING MORON!!! I said, because i didn’t want to be throwing my money away. I won the hand with JJJ over his two pairs, and he was truly a moron, and I enjoyed winning the money, but was still angry at his style of play. so i left the table and said DONE for the day.  quite a reasonable stopping point.




mon 8 12 13, 947am. well back on the morning schedule. get up at 5 am, get in at 7 am, this always takes some getting used to. took muh medz in the morn. tried to drink more water than coffee. bretty tired atm and looking forward to nap, hahaha. really slept quite poor last night, watching muh breaking bad, tossing and turning, worrying and thinking. YEP would have PREFERRED not to see that girl, or at least not heard all that news of her Raging Success in Life, Work, Skool, etc. That SUCKED. Bigtime.

Handled the actual event pretty well, but afterwards, god almighty, it has been worse than expected. much, much worse. will easily take a full week to bounce back, if not longer. i hope and pray I never have to see her again. absolutely harrowing. heh. like cancer coming back.

tuesday. little better, day by day. 5 am is tricky. ideally go to bed at 8 pm.

wednes. little better. way more than 1% better per day. Maybe 5%, hahaha. not bad. watch spongebob one hour per day.

use a firefox plugin called LEECHBLOCK to block/lockdown wordpress, twitter,, 4chan. finally got me working on muh project. hit hard by learning curve on project. very frustrating, leads to procrastinating. try not to.

friendzone is like CANCER. When you have True Love, it REALLY IS TRUE LUV. Just Say NO to frienzone. AND, when the true luv is rejected/doesn’t work, you have to treat it as the PERSON DYING and have the associated expected PERIOD OF MOURNING. Someone has DIED, so you MOURN. They are GONE and can NEVER come back. Your Love has DIED and you must NEVER see them again. Otherwise you’re in the Soul Cancer of the Friendzone. You gotta expect a few Hard Months of MOURNING A DEATH, in other words. NOT easy. VERY hard to focus on your daily work.

* Mix Up your resume Maybe, if the current one’s not working. Have a Greatest Hits of Bullet Points, with the Most impressive at the top, then in descending order, even if it’s not chronological per se. Like if you most impressive achievement was 10 years ago and then you sh4t the bed and it was all downhill after college, hahahahahaha.

* If your shy-but-Nice Coworker came up to you and asked you to please think about writing a Letter of Reference for them, I bet you would be FLATTERED and would be VERY HAPPY to do it for them! And you’d say, well, I don’t do this all the time, so I’ll just write something short and sweet and FEEL FREE to edit the wording a little bit, but you’re GOD DAM RIGHT I would be THRILLED to write a letter for you!

Well that’s the attitude you need to assume of OTHERS writing the letter for YOU, that THEY would be GOD DAMN THRILLED to write YOU a letter.

You imagine people are going to treat you so harsh – but when have YOU ever treated someone ELSE that harsh? Hardly ever! How would YOU react if someone were asking YOU to do something for THEM? You’d be HAPPY to help! So start imagining other people as HAPPY to help YOU, because this is closer to the truth than them brutally shutting you down! (Unless it’s a Grill you’re in True Love with, hahahaha. But that’s different. Here we’re talking about Professional, Education, Career, Work, Job sort of stuff, NOT True Love.)

Homework: Imagine your Coworker, who has basically the same job as you, has jsut asked you to write a letter for them, because they’re trying to move up in the world to an Upper Working Class Entry Level Full Time $9 an hour job. Write the short and sweet letter. And when it’s done, finally realize that you’ve basically written that letter for yourself.

Then give that letter to someone YOU want to write a letter for you, and be like, see, I’ve already started it off for you. Write something like that about me in your own words. Then put it in your Permanent Folder.

* If you have to get up early and so you naturally, understandably drink a Large Coffee early in the morning, then WAIT AT LEAST TWO HOURS before starting your next coffee, or else you will get jittery and nervous and angry AND feel like you have to diarrhea your pants the whole time. Wait THREE hours. You already HAD a good dose of caffeine. The reason you’re still Tired is because you got up ungodly early for WORK and probably didn’t get enough SLEEP and you NEED a LOT of sleep normally. Drink WATER instead. And I hope you are still Chugging a Huge glass of water the INSTANT you wake up in the morning. That helps too.

* For some reason, and it doesn’t make much sense, Negative Things can be much more powerful than positive things. We can MAGNIFY the negative things, even though we have by all accounts a GREAT LIFE, but one little thing wrong can ruin our lives. I call this the Anti-Resilience Gene. You’d think that To Survive, we would be the opposite way, have negative stuff roll off like water off a duck’s back, and magnify the positive. What Evolutionary Adaptive Value, in other words, does Magnifying every little negative thing have?

I don’t know. It don’t make no sense. And each person is different. Some Normalfags and Neverdepresseds CAN have negative stuff roll off. But not you or me! So the Life Lesson here, is to go out of your way to avoid negative things, heh heh. Well, more specifically, avoid Negative Movies, Music, Entertainment, Media, News, and People. Block it all out and just watch Spongebob. Don’t read about people dying alone in gutters, unemployable virgin losers; just watch spongebob.

I’m talking about NEGATIVE INFLUENCES. If something starts becoming a negative influence, like watching the Horrible News, or a Woman Who Rejects You, then REMOVE THE NEGATIVE INFLUENCE from your life. People, Places, and Things, hahahaha.

So what if Necessary, Mandatory Responsibilities like SKOOL and WERK and “CAREER” become Negative Influences?

If it’s SKOOL, that’s easy. Take A Break From Skool, because it’s not really Mandatory like WERK.

At work, just put on your smiley face and make everyone like you by buying them Pizza and Snacks semiregularly and kissing 4ss and being Nice and Friendly to everyone. Being Nice and Friendly isn’t a BAD thing anyhow!


Grateful Dead, “Cold Rain and Snow”, 1972.

Been listening to a similar 1972 CR&S, ie, it opens right up with equal parts force and chillness. Jumps right into that head nodding beat, while being altogether slower and…chiller than earlier, faster versions of the song.  Enables you to start your day LIKE A BOSS. Vocal harmonies are laughably cringeworthy as is often the case, but THE DEAD always gets an A for effort in that department.  Great song to get you started, going to WORK sort of song.

So “Successful” people WORK for AT LEAST 40 hours a week, and that’s the BARE MINIMUM, but you can still be a LOSER if you work ONLY 40 hours a week and then go to the BAR or hang out with your BUDDIES like a LOSER. NO, after you work your mandatory 40 hours, you HAVE to SHOW “AMBITION” by spending all your free time on SKOOL or MOAR WERK to ADVANCE YOUR CAREER, or else your Wife or Gurlfran will nag you, cheat on you, leave you, get real nasty. Heh heh heh. So 40 hours a week isn’t enough, you have to be a WORKAHOLIC.

Of course I reject this whole attitude! But do I have a better one?

Yeah it’s called just trying to get through one day at a time and to do your own bare minimum, even if that is less than 12 hours of work per day.  Even if you can “barely manage” 8, and then you feel all guilty and lazy about that. WHATEVER. Not like you got a NAG NAGGING you at home. Or at least I hope you don’t.

Again, my big magic bullet for being more productive sometimes, and at LEAST LOOKING a lot more productive, is to do my Homework Outside of the Home, so then it looks like you’re not just sitting in bed watching TV all day, hahahaha. Do your Homework at the Library, College, Office, or Cafe. And you WILL be noticeably more productive too, I guarantee it.

Baby Steps!

For example, one of my Pet Peeves about Part-Time Underemployment (other than the OBVIOUS) is that they very often, if not always, schedule you for less-than-8-hour-shifts. Like a 4 or 5 hour shift. For me it is REAL challenging to Switch Horses In Midstream – to go from Work to doing the Mandatory Minimum 4 hours of something Else Productive after that time. Especially if that something else is Homework or Unpaid Work. 8 hours of Paid work is obviously the Ideal. The Endgame. The Destination Career, hahaha.

It’s brilliant on the part of The Employing Plutocrats, hahaha. You’ll notice more and more jobs are Part Time now. Because I guess it costs less to have 2 part time people than 1 full time person, unless you have an Elite Job like Doctor, Lawyer, or STEMgineer, or Middle Middle Class Masters Degree Job. (and THAT your Wife can’t nag you too much about!)

So uh I guess my solution there is, do the best you can, don’t kill yourself, try to have a couple days a week where you go to the Cafe for 2 or 3 hours and Be Productive immediately before or after underwork, and don’t compare yourself to The Successful People Your Age. Goddam Normalfag Neverdepressed Successfuls, hahahaha.

And be GRATEFUL you don’t have a NAG Wife! That Grill you were in True Love with and wanted to Marry? She would been a NAG Wife, NAGGING you that you’re not AMBITIOUS or SUCCESSFUL enough, and you don’t need that. NOBODY needs that.

how ya like all those TAGS today, hahaha.

A “Great” Negative thought I had recently was: “It’s easier to BEAT CANCER than It is to Become Successful In Life, to become a Winner.”

“How true is that? And so what if it’s true?”

“This comparison is not doing anyone any favors. Talk about Apples and Oranges. That ridiculous comparison is DESIGNED to put Yourself in a Bad Mood!”

So just be grateful for your Family, Thank God You have a Good Family, thank god you DON’T have cancer, thank god you’re not blind or deaf or deformed. And if you DO have a Bad Family or are blind or deformed……then you have my sympathy because you have one HELL of an uphill battle. DEFINITELY find the cheapest shrink you can, go regularly, and take the cheapest Resilience Meds you can. Unless you are Successful enough to have a good enough job to pay for more than the cheapest shrink and the cheapest meds.



sat aug 10

oy vey. had a day off, could not get out of f00king bed. took a brisk powerwalk but that’s about it. I chalk it up to seeing Girl7 3 days ago. Huh. I thought it was supposed to get better! Also chalk it up to bumping dosage up to 20 mg. I am now officially back on that train. Taking a risk. hope and a prayer. Was watching some youtube vidya where

the girl was on meds since she was like 10 years old. sounds f00ked up you say, well she will prob get a good job when she gets out of college, and that’s all that matters, hahaha. and her father is also pumped full of meds and he is a successful psychiatrist nonvirgin, hahaha. anyway my POINT was, when one of them first started meds or switched meds, they were real tired and slept for like 4 days straight, and then everything was miraculous after that. so maybe that’s what i’m in right now, heh.

but yeah i am blowing my work off like crazy, just to lay in bed. cuz I “can’t think”, don’t want to think, don’t want to concentrate, just want to escape everything and be asleep all the time. anyway I have no doubt, alot of that is from seeing that girl, AND the winner/loser concepts tied in. Huge Loser (me) being In Love with a Huge Winner (her.)

next day sunday

slightly better. decided to take the med in the morning after getting out of bed, rather than at night right before going to bed. had done that latter before because I thought they made me too sleepy and tired and lazy and lethargic, hahaha.

so this time i decided to switch it up and take it first thing in the morning and say f00k it, let me be tired. the main goal now is to get through the day and not be angry and distracted, so that i can actually get stuff done. do stuff. do tasks. read a book. do homework. do  cover letters. not blow stuff off.

if you hate school as much as I do, which is quite a lot, you should probably take at LEAST two semesters off. It will probably take you at least one full semester just to force yourself to go to a counselor. and yes you should see a counselor. see them several times before you start school again. tell them how much you hate skool, and that you have horrible “depression” (they should know about that, they should have a masters degree), but that you know you have to do this somehow, but you are gonna need a lot of help.

* listen to Cuban Tango type music. Carribean, Miami Beach, Cuban type stuff.

tell them you have “treatment resistant depression.” because maybe you do. maybe i do. well, in order to determine that, then you have to get as much treatment as possible.

* oh yeah. STIGMA. you could say that’s the biggest thing here. STIGMA. “STIGMA”. That I only use the term “morally lazy losers” because I’ve been fooled by the stigma; that because of stigma I can’t just simply say “Depression” without the scare quotes, or calling it something else, or doubting that it even exists, or “blaming the victims” and calling them Morally Lazy Losers who brought this all upon themselves.

Well, that’s actually probably accurate, I have been coerced by the Stigma; that’s how powerful and insidious the Stigma is. Ok, fine. So then just don’t tell people you don’t trust.  I guess. So I should STOP calling people “morally lazy losers”, even if I’m just joking, because it just feeds into The Stigma. Fine.

It’s just that you FEEL lazy, and to your malefactors/detractors/enemies, you LOOK lazy too. So it’s real easy for them to call you lazy, and you kinda BELIEVE it too!

if you have to watch TV, which is not really a good habit, then at least turn the sound off during the commercials. this really helps.

so maybe the Good Thing that comes out of Me seeing Girl7 again is that I made up my mind to: start taking Meds again; take a extended break from Skool. I guess these things could be construed as bad. But they can also be construed as good.  because skool will still be there when I want to go back. Come on. Even the Overachieving Asian kids where an A- = an F don’t hate skool as much as I do!

Also saw a beautiful girl in Church who could possibly knock G7 from the pedestal. the bad news is that this girl could not be any older than 18, heh. Kinda hard for men of my age to Court 18 year old girls, but I guess it’s not impossible.

anyway enough about me. just cautiously optimistic about these meds, not that I have any reason to be, because I guess I am that desperate. probably never should have gotten off them in the first place. can’t remember when I started doing that. Think it was around December 2012.

so what have I learned between now and then. I had already been “dumped/rejected” by Girl7 well before that. the main difference was that I was taking some Math Classes that I really hated, which “burned me out” on skool.  Heh. maybe the main thing I learned was that Quitting Meds was not really Reaping Any Benefits.

tues 8 13 2013

Heh, Even if there is a “Placebo Effect” to the meds, that is better than no effect at all. Maybe.

But yeah. it is ROUGH being in TRUE LOVE with somebody and not having that work out. That is A BRIDGE TOO FAR. Because True Love is a POWERFUL, Earth-Shattering, Life-changing thing. It can bring you up from the depths of despair to the highest hieghts of happiness, no foolin. And then right back down again. And don’t let anyone, ESPECIALLY the Woman, tell you it’s NOT Really True Love. Because it IS.

I couldn’t even IMAGINE having to see this girl on a regular basis! And then I realized: THAT’S WHAT THE FRIENDZONE IS. And that’s exactly why The Friendzone is like CANCER.

The good news: you have the power, at all times, to officially END the Friendzone right here and now. So Go Do It. Pull The Plug. You can never really get TRAPPED in the Friendzone. You simply get out of it by saying, “Hey babe, I don’t want to be friends right now. Let’s take a little break from seeing each other.” And then never see or talk to her again.

And then just wait a long time, a long long long time. Maybe take some Meds. Don’t expect to feel that way for another woman for a long, long time. And really…what did feeling that way (true love) for the last woman GET you anyway? Pain & Suffering.

* Spongebob Squarepants is an EXCELLENT show for lifting your mood. Thankfully it is frequently on on the “Nick” station. I am watching it RIGHT NOW. I prescribe you to watch One Hour of SPONGEBOB per day. You need to emulate the ridiculous, silly, childish humor. You need to stop being so much like Squidward, and more like Spongebob!

I really like that going to WORK at a Deadend JOB is a MAJOR part of the show, one doesn’t expect this from a kids show. You will certainly be able to relate with Squidward: he is grumpy and crabby and angry and irritated and irritable and easily annoyed and a huge b1tch and his dreams are dead and his soul is crushed and he is probably a kissless virgin too.

Heh. But I argue if Squidward were really “depressed,” it would INTERFERE with his WORK and with his LIFE: he would call in SICK to work more, possibly get FIRED. (“Mental Health Days”, hahaha) He would not have his neighbor Spongebob knocking on his door every day, because his Bad Attitude would drive most Normal People away. Also notice how Spongebob is “probably” the HAPPIEST person/sponge in the world. Be Like Spongebob. At All Times.  Also, Squidward would not have Outside Hobbies, like playing his Clarinet. He would just go Straight To Bed after Getting Off Work, and not get up until he has to go back to Work again. Also he could not afford to live in that nice house, he would either be a basement dweller living with his parents, or he would live in a violent slum.

But despite not being realistic, the show is classic.

* use a browser plugin or software or SOMETHING to keep you from going to WordPress or whatever your Top Time Wasting Sites Are. I GOTTA get SOME work done.


Aug 9 2013

Well, I guess I was baiting them by talking about them so much, linking to them, talking about wizards. I am actually too scared to visit the link from Wizardchan that sent like 50 people here in one day. Probably saying what a patronizing normalfag I am.  so I’m SCARED of WIZARDS?

If anything, I do relate to their “feels” of “Depression.” However I know damn well I fail the Inclusion Criteria, so I don’t post there. In fact, I don’t post ANYWHERE, not even the more “normalfag” ridden r9k. I just don’t want to Talk to People On The Internet! Plus I hate being criticized! This is why I do not allow comments here. I do not walk f00king “DISCUSSIONS.”

Anyway I am NOT HOSTILE to Wizardchan or Wizards. However they might be hostile to my implication that they somehow need to be “fixed.” Heh. I am not implying that. I am just trying to fix myself and anyone else that WANTS to work on fixing themselves.  So I guess I could be “poaching” people from Wizardchan. Heh. don’t flatter self.

Anyway just believe me when I say my intention is not to be hostile to Wizardchan, so please do not Rustle My Jimmies! I am just trying to help people with “Depression”, or with being lazy losers.
AUG 7 2013 (wednesday)

think my upped dosage of 15 mg is starting to finally kick in, had a semi vivid dream last night. was real tired in the morning and could not get moving. kinda wanted to get and do my “internship” but could not get moving. Went for brisk powerwalk, now mixed with some jogging. ok great. I could get in and do 1 hour of internship but I can’t get jack s done in one hour, 2 is the minimum. so I decided to use that time to update blog, watch the opening scene of Turin Horse again, hahahaha.

Was actually not feeling too bad, like the Paxil was doing what it was supposed to, when I SAW GIRL 7 in the flesh for the first time since The Big Rejection about Ten Months ago. Actually handled it OK. Was not as confident alpha as I could be, and thankfully there was other people around. Ideally I would have been such a Charming Alpha right there to charm her pants off and make her say “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE” and “Come back to me,” but I was not. OF COURSE she is doing extremely well: succeeding at her Lower Middle Class Useful Bachelors Degree Job, AND getting a new job she wants more, AND taking Summer Classes, AND starting a Useful Masters Degree Program, and not all angry and hateful about it like I would be.

Person who likes school, does well in school, reaps what they sow, doing well, and not becoming a decadent debauched wh0re in the process like most Professional Career Education-Loving Wimmin. I wanted HER, and I also wanted to have her attitude and work ethic. And I ENVIED her because she is STRONGER than me. However, this is largely because she doesn’t hate SKOOL NEARLY as much as me. You will never MEET a person who HATES SKOOL as much as I do! I Hate Skool More than any person has ever hated skool. She does not hate skool, so she is more willing to apply herself to skool, and she doesn’t get all butthurt and give up on skool. heh its a feedback loop of course, she CAN’T hate skool so much because skool has WORKED for her. But skool worked for her because she worked for it, see. You get out what you put in. And I’m not willing to put in anything beyond getting Good Grades. When it’s a combination of good grades, networking, extracurriculars, and a useful major that will get you an actual decent job, like she has!

Heh heh. she is a normalfag who has never experienced how “depression” aka lazy loserness can make you hate skool and fail at skool and then fail at life because you hate everything and give up on everything!

Whatever the case, I never wanted to see her again! But I guess I am holding up surprisingly well given that she is Every Bit As SUCCESSFUL and WINNING as I “feared” she’d be, while I am the same old fat hateful school-hating loser I always was.

Yeah I would have preferred not to see her, but at least seeing her didn’t totally destroy me. Heh. I just hope I don’t see her again! A Man could easily rip an old wound open, especially since A Man has not met any wimmin in the past 10 months to throw her off her Eternal Pedestal! And still thinks about her about 1 minute a day, but thankfully that can easily be turned off after 1 minute. But I did not want to see her ever again, so I am a LITTLE angry and upset.

Same day also got a Rejection Email for the Good-Paying Part-Time Job I spent 8 hours Crafting the Perfect Application to, and really wanted to Get An Interview For. Didn’t get an interview. But I actually appreciated getting something rather than nothing. The tone of the letter was actually really nice and compassionate. And it said that they had 81 people apply. First I was surprised to get a letter, and for the letter to SAY HOW MANY people. Actually I kinda expected MORE than 81 people. Heh. The person they hired better have a MASTERS degree.

Anyway. The Healthy Happy man just observes these setbacks but doesn’t let them hold him back. Just Keeps Struggling On. Resilience. Persistence. 20 mg of SSRI, hahahahahahaha. Happy Dancing. Lift. Pray. 1 minute of Jogging. Banging B1tches decadently. Too Old To Ever Fall In Love Again, hahahaha.

Heh. I almost wish you could PAY Normal Girls money to give you a lap dance. Like Normal Cute Young Girls you see at Skool or Work or The Restaurant or wherever. Because I hate Strip Clubs and Strippers. HATE them. YES I have been to them, and recently, and even gotten A Dance, and still hated the whole experience. Other than the CONCEPT of paying a cute girl to sit on you. That I don’t mind. But I do mind that they’re disgusting strippers. I wish they were “normal” girls.

Heh. I envied her for being Well Adjusted.  It’s not that Life Is Easy for Well Adjusted People, it’s just that they have a Better Work Ethic, Better Follow Through, Bounce Back from Setbacks better, don’t get discouraged as easily, and thus Bring Their Goals to fruition, and rightfully appear happy and successful, while others of us look like lazy, angry, bitter, hateful, butthurt, immature losers, hahahahaha.

oK, life may not be EASY for Normalfag Well Adjusted “Neverdepresseds”, but, given the same exact challenging situation, the Neverdepressed will find it a LOT easier than the “Depressed!”

[Note: tonnes o’ grills are good at skool and career and are NOT well-adjusted, they are totes cray c00nts who like cuckolding and abusing men. It goes without saying, I am no fan of them, and I shun them for being godless, godforsaken wh0res. But SHE was DIFFERENT!!!! Waaaaaah!

Note: I’m just kidding sorta, I don’t think these women are Intentionally Sadistic, but they’re just Crazy.]

And I don’t get all Butthurt and mad or even Excited about Women in the past 10 months, SHE was the last Woman I had any sort of Strong Feelings for. All the other ones, I might go HNNNGGGG sometimes, but I just don’t really CARE about them. I CARED for her.

We “Depressed” Losers CAN be legit Annoying because we DO make a lot of EXCUSES. But I posit that these excuses seem damn legit and convincing to us, alot moreso than they do to you, you neverdepressed workaholic tryhard happy healthy successful good job normalfag!

Like Oh, She developed a good work ethic because she had tons of College Mentors in her family guiding her and keeping an eye on her, or She didn’t hate college because she didn’t hate High School, or she was not all angry during high school that she wanted to rebel against everything and “experiment” with drugs and alcohol and dark weird negative movies and music bla bla bla. Or, her challenges were Easier because she was not “Depressed” etc.

Or the idea that “Depression” ITSELF is just an EXCUSE for being a FAILURE and a LOSER, and it is the one flimsy weakass thing standing between us being Morally Inferior Weak Lazy Losers!!!!

Heh. I like to think I have a Great “Depressiondar.” When you see Winner Well Adjusted Normalfags like that, with everything going for them. Maybe they did not have an easy life, maybe they struggled hard as f00k, maybe they were raped and abused and tortured and held prisoner in a sex bunker…..but they never GAVE UP, which might be the HALLMARK of The “Depressed.” You just GIVE UP. You stop trying. You don’t want to try any more, so you stop trying. You know you Shouldn’t Feeeeeeel this way, you know what a normalfag should feel, but, something’s just not connecting any more. Neurotransmitters, hahahahaha. So take your damn medz, who cares if they’re made by Plutocrats. Besides, it’s not like you were Abused or Neglected by your Family! You were raised in a GOOD Family, you have NO REASON to Be such a Loser UNLESS you were born with a Defective Brain somehow! So take the medz to fix it!

But again, I am a Weird Case, because I didn’t start acting out until AFTER age 18. Then you’re an adult and anything you do is your own damn fault.

BUT The foundations for that acting out were definitely in place well before 18: I hated high school, was angry and negative, experimented with drugs and alcohol in high school, felt like it was me against the world, misanthropic, never get a gurlfran, hahahaha. Yep, I did have Above Average amount of Teen Angst. Although All Teens have Some Angst! It was prob hard to tell.

What if I had met Girl 7 while we were both in HIGH SCHOOL? Now there’s a weird thought. I might not have even liked her then. Who knows.

Heh. Yeah. Really wish I had not randomly run into her today.

So now when I try to FOCUS on like Calculus or Computer Programming, I stare at the sh1t and it makes no sense and I get frustrated, and I try to force it in my brain, and I somehow get an A, but boy am I NOT happy about it.

Right now I am supposed to be studying and doing Homework in….don’t want to give too much away, but something Kinda Related to “Web Development.” ASP.NET, Connecting To Data Stores, and it really is kinda stressful and overwhelming, moreso than a class with specific assignments and syllabus and readings and lessons. And me trying to figure stuff out from The Internet and vaguely remembering stuff from years ago. But oh well, I’m giving it X months, I don’t intend to GIVE UP on THIS. I might just not approach it as Eagerly as Girl 7 Approached HER Skoolwork. Even IF this is my one, only, final ticket out of Loserness.

A recurring dream I have is that I’m Back In Elite College, that I’ve been given a Second Chance, and I STILL Screw it up.

Heh. I might make a Documentary for People Like Us. Lazy “Depressed” Losers. Or a Talk Radio Show. Because we DO whine, we DO Make excuses, but I think it makes perfect SENSE that we do whine and make excuses.

I KNOW how off-putting it is to people you might want to somehow impress, so around people like that, I put on a happy face. Because I KNOW Whining is annoying.

I can certainly live without her, but when I saw her, I was reminded of what my life was missing: her or someone like her! And I’ve never really met anyone else like her! basically it shows you how amazing and wonderful your own heart is, to even be capable of such Profound, Transformative, Soul-Nourishing Love. It’s not a need, but it’s definitely a Bigass Want!

Real, real weird, man. Wish this hadn’t happened. Even though I AM dealing with it REALLY well. The LORD is TESTING me. You call that a TEST, I can take that and 90000 times more. heh. but hopefully not.

So yeah I will always be upset that we Couldn’t Be Together, because I was in True Love with her, had absolutely no qualms about Marrying Her, when the idea of Marrying any other woman seems absolutely LUDRICROUS. But with her it would be just great.

But the ever more frustrating thing right now is that I can’t focus and get my work done and can’t advance in life cause I can’t focus my mind and get the work done because I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll never be a Winner with an OK Job, and never Be With A Good Girl like her, hahahahahaha.

Heh. just wish she coulda seen me as a big winner. I coulda been a big winner. I had a real smart brain and I still had a little bit of discipline left in high school! I coulda been a bigger winner than she is now! Then she would have liked me and we could have gotten married and started a fambly.

but it was not meant to be. doesn’t mean I have to SEE her though. I don’t WANT to see her. ever. again. If she wanted to regularly see me, she’d have to understand the strings that go with that. True Love Never Dies. THAT’s why you ideally would NEVER see the person ever again. And then you have some chance of Getting Over Them and Moving On.

next day. day off.

yeah it was bad, but it could have been worse, each day it will get better, just sleep on it a couple days. the real challenge is getting Work Done. being productive, rather than sitting in bed like a lazy loser, like I’m doing RIGHT NOW, hahahaha. excuse was that I needed to charge the mp3 player and put some more vidyas on it. On a kick of watching nothing but “depression” vidyas. If this is my main thing, then I have to face it Head On.

next day, fri:

wow thurs SUCKED. could barely MOVE. like the hangover. but today was a little better. should not take me 9 months to get over seeing her once. maybe only 9 days, hahahaha.

Could not get my work done, could not even get my work STARTED, definite “IMPAIRMENT OF FUNCTIONING” as they say in the literature, haha.  Shirked my responsibilities. par for the course, could only watch movies and listen to “Depression” vidyas on youtube.

Regarding The Girl, it’s really TWO “issues”: me being In True Luv with her, AND, what is prob the BIGGER issue, is that she is a total success in every way that I am total failure. She is the Positive, Hardworking, HEalthy, Happy Normalfag I wished I could be, and she has reaped all the deserving successes I wish I could deserve to reap. Did the right things where I, at that Stage Of Life, had made Big Mistake after Big Mistake.  So I didn’t just want her, I kinda wanted to BE Her in a way, to have her Healthy, Happy, Hardworking Winner Mind.

So that is huge, prob more important than the actual being in Luv with her, although the two things are intertwined.

SOLUTION: Continue No Contact. This is just further proof that I cannot see her EVER again for the rest of my LIFE.

Of course, this meeting was completely Random, I had no control over it. I can just PRAY it doesn’t happen again. Of course, if I were a Huge Winner by now, it would be easier to take. Everything would be easier to take! “Maybe She would have not rejected me if I were a Big Masculine Winner and not a Lazy Underachieving Loser!”

That kinda stuff.

Heh. It was the impetus I needed to go from 15 mg to 20 mg. 20 mg is the goal, it is the Minimum Effective Dose.

Omar of “Depression Hero.” Just discovered him. I Kinda like him or at least I like what he’s doing. Sorta like what I’d like to try to do. Help people, give them some good ideas.

Now Omar / Depression Hero is pretty Anti-Med, which is fine, since till very recently I was quite Anti-Med too. Heh. Whereas now I am pro-med again.  Because without the meds I really can’t think straight and get work done. If I had a decent job THEN I could think about weaning off the meds. Or if I had gotten married to Girl 7, hahahahahaha. The Perfect Mate.

But now I am desperate to clear the anger and hate and distraction from my mind, desperate the think straight and actually follow through with stuff on work/school. Desperate to think straight and do my “internship” stuff and not shirk my new responsibilities, make the most of the help that’s been given to me, not disappoint any more people.


If you’re in LUV with a Grill and she rejects you, then insist on NO CONTACT. If you see her Randomly 10 months later, expect to have a real bad day the next day. but then it should get better soon after that.  just continue doing no contact. And if she’s a huge winner and you’re a huge loser, realize that will figure LARGELY into yer feels, it’s not just you being in love with her, but all of your OTHER feels about being a huge loser. This is what happens when Losers Fall in True Love with Winners, hahaha.

If you’re feeling Super Desperate, try getting on the Lowest Effective Dose. You may well reach a point where the littlest things are so hard, where your mind refuses to work, where you are desperate enough to take that Plutocrat Poison! Absolutely Anything to Think Straight!

To take a page from Omar Depression Hero: if you can’t Directly COntradict/Refute your Automatic Negative Thoughts, then at least say SOMETHING positive for every negative thought you have, for example: “Thank God I can Walk. Thank God I’m not blind.” that’s a pretty good idea.



8 2 13


ok so if you’re in a horrible godawful end it all sort of mood for the first 4 hours after you wake up….then try to distract yourself from that by working, errands, out of house, and No Writing.

If you feel the urge to fire up the old writing sheet and write about your angry sad hopeless kissless worthless useless hopeless lazy pathetic feels, JUST SAY NO. JUST DON’T DO IT. Play a darn GAME instead. There IS a productive way to write about such things, but it’s really RISKY, because you have to keep it SUPER SHORT, and then spin it so it’s very positive-heavy. You may be more likely to write 900000 pages of negative awful stuff than to do that, thus, it’s more effective just to write nothing at all.

It’s perfectly OK to write Positive Stuff like: I’m awesome, I’m thankful for all the good things in my life, I’m thankful for that, I’m good at this, I’m good at that, I’m hopeful about that, or here’s a good idea. But No Bad Feels.

Can you write about how you saw an 18 year old girl who really made you go HNNNNNNNGGGGGGG the best in the past month or so? Probably not, unless you’re Taking Action on a Plan to Make That Happen. IE, you’ve actually TALKED to the girl like a Normalfag, and not just saw her, thought she was real cute and prime of youth, then fantasized about playing with her young body for hours, and dating and marrying her.

Not to say your Feeeeeeeeeeeeelings aren’t “VALID”, just that Expressing them in Writing probably isn’t gonna help much, if at all. Save it for your Bargain-Basement Shrink! or Priest!

sat 8 3

shouldn’t be writing before awake for 4 hours unless DAMN sure it’s Positive. which it is!

* if you’re feeling grumpy or worse in the morning, no big shocker there, well, try to make a Big Joke out of everything, well, not a negative horrible joke, but a silly funny joke. If this is too difficult, then do a Funny Walk whenever nobody is looking. Like a Super Ridiculous Walk like the Monty Python sketch, or just a ridiculous little Dance. Dancing is good too. And if someone DOES catch you doing it, just laugh it off, or be like yeah so WHAT I’m Dancing, and then that will make them happier, and it will make you happier too.

*This Dance Like A Ridiculous Retard While You Walk is one of the bset Protip Bullet points I’ve given all Month. It is so easy to do, and So Effective. Some of the Highest Return On Investment I’ve ever discovered.

* Making Silly, Stupid FACES in the Mirror is another thing in that same vein.

i THINK it was this one, Charles Smith of “Bastyr University”

Was listening to some Naturalpath Osteopath or something give a talk on “Depression” and he made the important point that Some People Are Just More RESILIENT than others. Some people can have the worst luck in the world and just keep choo chooing along, whereas other people get one bad thing and then they crumble and give up.

obviously we are more like the weak one, and we want to be more like the strong one!

And Again, I’m much more concerned with the How can we be more like that, rather that Why Are We The Way We Are. Don’t Care.

link to sapolsky

Great Talk by Prof Sapolsky of Stanford, very good lecture, with a lot on the Biochemical Basis of “Depression”, and its Psychological Aspects as well. Wish he had a whole Course on this. Had too many good points to mention. Just check it out. examples:

some people bounce back after 2 or 3 hardships, but after 4 or 5 hardships or depressions, then the littlest thing can put them into a depression

norepinephrine is associated with “psychosomatic exhaustion”, dopamine associated with lack of pleasure, and serotonin with “obsessive grief.”

I personally don’t get too “griefy”, just angry and exhausted and distracted and hateful and hopeless.

The idea of cortisol and stress and stress hormone and glucocorticoids, and how your body and brain are in a Constant State of Stress, so of course you have no energy and can’t concentrate and don’t like anything.

People with Cancer can find that the Cancer makes them stronger or teaches a lesson or makes life more meaningful, makes them grateful for the power of Family, power of love, etc; but “Depression” makes it impossible for you to get any meaning out of anything.

Heh. though it’s hard for me to imagine how getting Cancer would also not make you “depressed”, and then you get a double whammy. Heh. I am a total cancerphobe, if I got cancer, I would Totally Give Up, might even K myself.

So now I am doing 10 mg of Paxil, up from 5 mg (daily), trying to work my way back up to 20 mg. Cause frankly there hasn’t been noticeable difference going down to 5. I think I was protesting the Pharmaceutical Complex, Corporate Greed, etc, but I am DESPERATE again to try to clear my mind and actually Do Work, not be hateful and tired and distracted all the time.

Trying to see my “shrink” once every 2 weeks.

Working a TEENSY bit of Jogging into my Brisk Powerwalks. Just a Minute here and there to say I did, get the heart rate up a little, burn off a little anger and hatred.

“But I don’t WAAANNNNAAAA get a Masters Degree just to gettajob! I hate college!” whined the little baby.

Heh. We Amerifats make such a big deal out of EDUCAAAAATION but since COLLEGE is the only education that matters, and a whole generation is going BROKE just to go to college, then….heh just abolish all education altogether, education is stupid, gay, and worthless. don’t even have public high schools then.

yeah just very frustrating. can’t even think productively. can’t problem solve, the brain doesn’t work anymore, can’t read, can’t study, can’t do homework, all I can do is lay there and watch Bela Tarr films, hahahahaha.

* get “creative” or at least unorthodox with your resume. if it hasn’t gotten you a good job by age 30, well you don’t have much to lose by trying something different, like listing your ACT score or your IQ or your bona fides from high school, back before you sh4t the bed. Maybe bring it down to size 9 font and .5 inch margins and just PACK IN as MUCH stuff as possible, like every single job ever. I used to think White Space / Blank Space was good and that Hiring Gods did not want to squint to read small print. But that obviously hasn’t worked out for me!

* Although I still think you should at least bold your NAME.

* Hire an Artist to write your resume in real fancy calligraphy. Or just print it out in the cursive handwriting font, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

* just like you should be Lifting and Praying every day, you should be doing Silly Dancing for at LEAST 10 minutes a day. in front of a mirror so you can see yourself. Just act like a total retard for 10 solid minutes every day ever. This is SUCH a great idea. Make playlists of good Dancing Songs you can do it to.

I might move away from movie reviews and possibly start ANOTHER seperate blog for Movie Reviews, but I will briefly say I recently watched “The Turin Horse” and it might be my movie O’ the year 2013, hahaha. Bela Tarr at his bleakest. The opening scene is classic and needs to be shared throughout the world, AND also I think it perfectly encapsulates what Real Lazy Losers feel every day, in the depths of their “Depression”:


Great music too!


(actually only 2500)

tues 7 16

Heh. I like to check the search terms in the stats that bring people here. great stuff. indicates that I Know My Audience Well. today was “lazy research assistant.” heh. that was haunting. I actually WAS one of those once.

My Professor was a REAL nice guy. I did a good thing by Reaching out to a Nice Professor, and he truly was Real Nice and not an 4sshole……and then shortly after I Sh4t The Bed, shirking my work, becoming a lazy research assistant, because I couldn’t CONTROL MY FEELS ABOUT GRILLS. (GURLS). DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Where I should have been Busting My 4ss for the Prof, and really “leveraging” the niceness of the Prof to get me into a Good Job Somewhere Anywhere, NO, I slacked off and gave up, because I couldn’t handle Romantic Rejection. DON’T DO THIS.

Did I mention I’ve been listening to NOTHING but The Grateful Dead for a week straight? “Touch of Grey” is a great song too, fits RIGHT in with all their old classics. They were playing it since 1982 BTW. FYI.


When I was young, the Grateful Dead album EVERYBODY had was the “Skeletons in the closet” Greatest Hits CD. Heck this is a great place to start too! Even though it’s all Studio! It’s not like the dead sounded BAD in the studio!

* you know how hard you work and struggle and fight and thrash limbs and try not to drown and fight and grind and chip away at SKOOL? If you used about 33% of that Energy and Work and Fighting to Fix Your Loserness, then you would become a Winner and find skool, work, and luv easier!

* relates to my theory that we should teach 4 credit hour College Style Classes on how to Fix Your Loserness.

* WHILE keeping in mind that sometimes we need to Stop FIGHTING our “Depression” as Ajahn Brahm says. HOWEVER, I don’t think that means that we NECESSARILY need to STOP eating well, stop sleeping well, stop exercising, stop lifting, stop praying, etc.

* Because I think we can work to Fix our Laziness but it doesn’t HAVE to be Grueling, Draining, Fighting, it can be as “easy” as Reading A Book or Taking a WALK. Admitting that Reading Books can be REALLY HARD, but I find reading book specifically on the topic of Fixing Laziness is easier than reading a book on for example Computer Programming. Because it’s Super f00king Relevant to our lives and our immediate state of mind.




I don’t usually like doing super long posts because who’s gonna READ a 9000 word post, and considering I would like to Help People. So I promise not to do this every day! I USUALLY try to keep it to 1000. Although 800 would be ideal bc 1000 is a little long!

Anyway there IS some GREAT stuff in today’s 9000 word post. GREAT stuff. WELL worth reading. Heh, Heh. Job tips, Life Stories, Feels. The usu solid gold stuff.

7 16

yeah that’s been my thing: hard to CONCENTRATE. Not like this is a NEW problem whatsoever! But it really sums it up nicely: can’t concentrate on schoolwork, can’t concentrate on long term plans, can’t concentrate on job search, can’t concentrate on reading or studying, because there is so much anger, confusion, and hopelessness about everything, and every little thing is hard as f00k and draining.  you don’t feel normal, don’t feel right.

So you say, what would a mature responsible adult do in this situation? And then go do it.

Today dropped off the application packet. Every god damn little thing. Not used to actually dropping off applications. So I said, WELL, OBVIOUSLY the BEST choice would be to hand deliver it to the person named. It gave a name. Anything to get them to remember you. don’t want to come all that way just to drop it off with “The Gatekeeper” at the front desk. But then I realized I didn’t have a great Spiel. Be lucky to have a 10 second spiel. Always been terrible at Spiels and Elevator Speeches. Struck out Three Times with that at the Job Fair. Be like, I hate everything but I’m smart, just gimme a 10 an hour Full Time Entry Level Job, I have a 120 IQ I Swear, I swear to god, you gotta help me, pleeeeeease, I don’t interview well but I DO do the job well. Maybe. And then I realized all of my clothes are kinda sh1tty. Wearing the same old clothes for years. REALLY gotta get new clothes, REALLY always been bad about shopping for Spiffy New Clothes Always. But I wasn’t gonna put on my Semi-Shoddy SUIT to drop off an application in 90 degree SuperHumid Weather. Though I would if I were actually working the job!

TLDR I asked the Gatekeeper for the person, said it was In Regards To the Job, they went back and checked, said they were not available, so I said thank ya very much and gave THEM my packet.

I put the Packet in a Manila Envelope. It was about 10 pages.

On the front of the envelope I put My Name, what It Was, and the person’s name. In hindsight I probably should have printed these on Avery Labels because that sends the signal that you know how to print labels. But I just printed it on paper, cut out the stuff, and taped it on with clear packing tape. Looked better than it sounds!

Protip: Learn CALLIGRAPHY or just real neat fancy Handwriting. My handwriting is not very professional looking, so I try to type everything. However, I would say, real fancy calligraphy would have also made a Positive Impact. Maybe. Definitely better than Everyday Chickenscratch!

Protip: All the people at your Current Job you would list as references, your new homework assignment is to actually ask them to write you a brief reference LETTER that you can use for All Jobs, and get them to send you the doc file so you can have it forever. Don’t even need to be sneaky about this. Be like I want to use this for various jobs in the future so just know I might be editing it to change the date, the position name, the company, so kinda make it a “Fill In The Blank letter.” And then just talk about what an awesome person I am.

Protip: This would prob only work if it’s An Underjob And Everybody There Knows It. If It’s a Upper Working Class Bigboy $10 an hour Fulltime Entry Level Bachelors Degree Job, your Superior might not like the idea of you Looking For Better Paying Work Elsewhere.

. go take a break buddy

.official virgin age meter










However it’s still good to have references. Maybe LIE TO YOUR BOSS and tell them you are trying to……get nominated for Steering Committee At Church. That you’re Running For Unpaid Office. Church works. Or Boy Scouts, School Board, Kiwanis, Optimists, Elks, Moose, Masons, Church. MAYBE graduate school. That one could be risky. (Although If you ARE serious about going to Grad Skool, you WILL need Good, Relevant References.)

“HE’S SMART, HE JUST DOESN’T APPLY HIMSELF” is what they always said about you. APPLY YOURSELF. Well, actually, maybe they didn’t say that about you. They usually say that about High School Students. But because you got good grades in high school, they didn’t say you didn’t apply yourself. It wasn’t till College and Beyond that your Really Realized how much you weren’t applying yourself and how godawful that was.

Heh. This blog is especially intended for people who were Good in High School, but then REALLY Sh4t the Bed in COLLEGE. Became A Loser In College/University.

However if you became a loser in High School, well, I’m pretty welcoming, as long as you really “self-identify” with 30 year old kissless virgin wizard neet neckbeard r9k losers.

The type of person where people say, oh he started out so well, WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, a lotta things: bad habits, not applying yourself, not Engaging In School, not doing this, not doing that, more bad habits, laziness, procrastination, not caring, not adapting well to College, not adapting well to Life or Adult Life or even Late Adolescent Life really, a lotta things happened, lotta little things, maybe a few big things. And now you hate everything and can barely bring yourself to go out and buy clothes or talk to a College Counselor, and you try to trace it back. LET’S JUST ESTIMATE 18. Because even if you were angry and hateful and weird and nonnormal in high school, things didn’t get REALLLLY Bad until AFTER high school, when you went to college, as was expected for kids who did well in high school. THEN you ROYALLY F00ked up, and have been on that f00ked up road ever since.

Got off track, feel like you can’t get back on track. Or say you’ve been off track for 12 years – is it gonna take 12 years to get back on track? Heh so by age 42 you will be at the level of a Normalfag EIGHTEEN year old, hahahahahahahaha.

If you know these feels, this blog is for you!

I would say keep exercising, keep praying, keep Reaching Out To As Many PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE as possible for HELP and then following up with them, and also try martial arts classes, practice small talk, find the cheapest shrink you can and go at LEAST once every two weeks, although once a week would be ideal, and also try DBSA “Depression” Support Group meetings. Heh. I would like to try one of those if I weren’t so Lazy, Stubborn, and Afraid. And stop making EXCUSES, hahahahahaha.

Sh1t. MAYBE continue taking brain-destroying SSRI meds until you’re no longer a LOSER. I have been on like 5 mg of Paxil a day for months, trying to rid my brain of this Poison, but at this point, I’d almost rather have a Broken, Poisoned Brain and Be A Winner, than have a Drug-Free Brain and be a total f00king LOSER. Cost Benefit Analysis!

So I might go up to the Minimum Effective Therapeutic Dose, cuz I can guarantee you, 5 mg is prob well below it.

Like if the “cost” of your permanently fried brain is, it’s chemically no longer plagued with hateful angry thoughts and it’s easier for you to concentrate, and the Undrugged brain is full of Hate, Anger, and Unconcentration, well, I’ll take the Drugged Brain any day! Because the price of Being A Loser is the deciding factor.

You can try quitting meds once you’re a Winner In Life. Like people with Good Jobs and Good Mates.

But if you can’t even get a Sh1tty job, can’t get even a sh1tty mate, well, maybe it’s time to start taking those brain-frying drugs. Like your brain isn’t ALREADY fried most of the day, unable to concentrate, hateful angry scared neurotic thoughts all day.

ok you can skip this because it’s Off Topic:

Movie Review: “Session 9”

You don’t have to read the movie reviews if you don’t want to! It’s just one of those rare times when I am not filled with negative feels and can write about something else! Can actually use my brain for something that’s not feels! But boy howdy don’t think this means I would or could do all the work it takes to become a Career Film Critic! Talk about tons of graduate school, schmoozing, unpaid internships, reading marxist books on theory and what have you. No Thanks!

Well this was one of the better Average Movies I’ve seen in a while. I stayed up late, til like 240 am, because I really wanted to watch a Scary Movie, it’s been a while. This movie was solidly entertaining. i enjoy solid entertainment in addition to Horror and Ridiculous 8 hour long Foreign Art Films. But solid entertainment is hard to find. usually will go to TV shows for this: arrested development, game of thrones, breaking bad. starting to get a little bored with star trek tng. taking break from arrested d.

plus when you have so many anger feel and can’t concentrate, you can’t even concentrate on a TV show or movie!

Session 9 was surprisingly well written and well acted. Even David Caruso was good. 2001. Hazmat company must clean asbestos out of an abandoned insane asylum in one week. While abandoned asylums are all the rage on your TV ghost adventures and stuff, back in the day, s9 asylum would have been considered real fresh. one of the more exciting things I did during my Wasted Youth was to sort of explore an abandoned asylum one night. indeed a scary setting.

heh. but what I liked even more was the Real Life Working Men concept of these Blue Collar Guys just Working for a Living. Contractors making Bids to Do A Job. Stuff Working Class Men used to do before they had to go to college to make a working class living. stuff elite college kids have no idea exists. REALLY liked the character whose Father was a Big Lawyer, and the son himself went to Law School on “THE ONE YEAR PLAN” then dropped out and became a failure and a disappointment and now he works here. Or this other guy that talks about everybody needs an “EXIT PLAN” because they don’t want to be working this crap job the rest of their lives. That one guy doesn’t read book JUST FOR FUN, going back to law school and become a Successful Lawyer is HIS Exit Plan. but why did he leave law school? how’s he gonna get back INTO law school?
(and there is a whole community of disgruntled Law Students out there, who probably have the Worst Student Debt of Any Student, like 500k to everyone elses 50k, and they can’t get a job as a paralegal. Do NOT go to LAW SCHOOL unless you go to a GOOD one and REALLY know how to Network. Although many lawyers are extraverted normalfags)

But these questions are not too important to the movie, rather, I liked that the movie included Multidimensional Characters like that. Not expecting.

Just the idea of the man owning his own cleaning company, he’s getting stressed out cuz now he has a new baby to take care of, and so he begins lowballing bids where he hadn’t before, just because he needs jobs. and here they do a lowball bid and have to work themselves ragged to finish the job in one week for a Sweeeeet $10 grand bonus (presumably split 5 ways?), when before it was estimated it would take 2 or 3 weeks.

So you figure they need to work 16 hour days at LEAST, heheheh. Which they did not seem to do. But yeah it is as much a Working Job Movie as an Abandoned Asylum Movie.

Not bad, not bad. Just didn’t really bring the horror. One scary scene, maybe two. ANNNDDD the ending was a little weird. It threatened to jump the shark but didn’t REALLY jump the shark. Which is ALL GOOD, since most movies you can pinpoint the moment the shark is officially jumped, and it’s usually before halfway through.

So, not bad. Not ragingly awesome though. It could have been, had it been scarier and maybe a different 5th act. Worth Watching Once(tm)!


tues 7 16

july 15 2013


lemme just say this: when you are an angry neet failure underemployed loser who hates everything and has no motivation, it’s REAL DIFFICULT to THINK CLEARLY. It is as if your hatred and anger are Stealing Energy from your Brain, leaving your Brain tired to do serious Mind Work. Math Problems are HARDER. Finding solutions to Problems is HARDER. Judgement is IMPAIRED. You make stupid MISTAKES. You LOOK Stupid, which adds even MOAR Frustration, because you know you aren’t stupid. Or not as stupid as you look at least! You know buried in there is a High Intellect, I mean look, you scored real high on ACTs and SATs and got A’s in some Hard College Classes, so you can’t be a total moron. But now you can’t look at a Schoolbook without saying “F00K THIS SH1T!” or you put off your Math Assignments because Thinking About Stuff Where You Actually have to do Mental Work to solve Hard Problems is REALLLLLLY HARD and REALLLLLLLY Frustrating and gets you REALLLLLLY Angry and Hateful and saying “F00K SKOOL! SKOOL IS FOR F$GG)TS!”

But that if you were chill and calm like a normalfag, you know you could be a Serious Intellectual if you could just get enjoyment out of the pursuits of the Mind: reading books, LEARNING, Thrist For Knowledge, Curiousity About The World, Intellectual Curiosity, etc. But you stopped having that as soon as you entered skool. Well, it’s hard to say when it disappeared. Age 5? 18? 21? 22? 25? you just know that you don’t have it any more, and you wished you did, because it would make Staying Motivated In Skool a lot easier.

But when you look at a homework and say O GOD How Many Flashcards Am I Gonna Have To Make here; or when you find it harder to UNDERSTAND and LEARN things because your MIND is so CONSUMED with Hate and Anger and Fear and Bitterness and Butthurt and Feels and Tired…..yep that’s frustrating. then you wonder if you were ever really smart at all.

TLDR: It is INFURIATING to KNOW that you are SMART enough to do Big Things, but you just can’t CONCENTRATE or shake off your Terrible Attitude to complete any Serious Tasks. You get angry, give up, procrastinate, make really stupid mistakes.

I guess the Relevant Tip here is: Don’t Be Such A Perfectionist, go ahead and MAKE Stupid Mistakes, just don’t give up on the task. Turn It In / Deliver It with the stupid mistakes. And then if your superior / boss / teacher / master scolds you for stupid mistakes, use that chance to explain you’re not really that STUPID, you just have a lot on your mind right now. And if they fire you, well then you’ll have a right to sulk and complain and mope for a while, and you’ll still be smart.

Smart can’t be taken away from you, it can just FEEL like it sometimes, when you’re too Angry or Hopeless to THINK STRAIGHT. To even THINK at all. God Almighty that’s frustrating, and a vicious cycle.

music break

“Playing in the Band”, Grateful Dead, Europe 72. There’s the Europe 72 Double Album, and I believe the Europe 72 Box Set with EVERY SHOW they played on that tour, like 20 shows; then there’s “Steppin Out With The Grateful Dead” which I THINK is a condensed/compilation version of the England shows on Europe 72. “Steppin Out” was a Big Personal Dead album for me, even though Professional Deadheads would prob just regard it as 3 or 4 out of 5, I think it’s a 4.5 at least. Ridiculously fantastic recording quality. Especially the drums. If every live recording sounded like this, this would be great. Disc 1 alone is jam packed with wonderful tunes: Cold Rain & Snow, Sugaree, Deal, Playin in the Band, China Cat Sunflower, any and all of which are GUARANTEED to lift your mood, help you RISE ABOVE, maybe even focus your SMART MIND to Solve Intellectual Problems with Less Anger!

TLDR: Try out “Europe 72” or Especially “Steppin Out.” Great sound, great shows, great hook into the GD. heh. can you tell I’ve been in a big Phase lately? Maybe it’s a Summer thing.

(Note: Do NOT Abuse DRUGS like they did.)

heh. this blog is kinda becoming my own Daily Log of me Struggling Towards Bare Minimum “Success.”

God Damn. had ANOTHER dream about Girl 7. Second dream in 4 days, when before, no dreams of her in months, barely any dreams at all. THANKFULLY, this dream was brief and fuzzy and not too horrific. The TLDR of this dream was that she was expressing dissatisfaction with Her Successful Job. Which was kinda surprising. However she was showing, or claiming to show, great inner fortitude: “They’re trying to break me, but I’m not gonna.” Probably relates to how I both admired and was bitterly envious of her Good Work Ethic, Good Attitude towards College, and reaping what she sowed, with a Good Career starting at a Young Age. No Detours, No Setbacks, no Years Wasted. Well on the way to becoming a Top Tier Winner. Because it wasn’t just me being in True LOVE with her. There was also this Winner vs Loser dynamic.

still gotta see the college counselor. the academic advisor.

But today I am gonna drop off my Packet for this Job I’ve been trying at.  It includes:

1 page resume, 1 page cover letter, 1 page reference letter from Real Nice Person (I gave them a Thank You Note!), 4 page Original PDF Application with post it note saying “Please see additional sheets for ALL Application Information”, then 6 pages of the Word Document I made containing the Application INformation because I didn’t want to Hand Print the stuff. About 8 hours to prepare all that stuff. Seems a little excessive for a Part-Time Job, No? Well that’s just how Tuff Times are, SON. If you’re not willing to do all that for a Part Time Job, YOU DON’T DESERVE A JOB. YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VIRGIN IN THE GUTTER. Hahahahaha. JK. Yeah in our parents generation you could find a Full Time Job in a DAY without even TRYING. But Times Have Changed.

So naturally, new worries always arise. I think, well what if I ACTUALLY got this job BUT there was a scheduling conflict with my Current Job, and the New job basically said, you gotta quit your other job….which I don’t want to do, however I would HAVE to, because the new job pays A LOT, LOT, LOT better, that it’s a Totes No Brainer.  Just complaining that it would Obviously SUCK to be Forced to give up my other job because that’s a little money at least. Also if you’re not working 40 hours at least, YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VIRGIN IN THE GUTTER. Hahaha, JK. But yeah 40 hours is the MAGIC NUMBER where if you admit to working less than 40 hours, all of the sudden you’re an Inferior Human Being to everyone: your family, your friends, men, women, potential employers, potential friends, potential mates, yourself.  It’s All About That Magic Number of 40 Hours. You work 39 Hours, you deserve to die a wizard neet virgin loser in the gutter. And that 1 hour magically transforms you into the bare minimum of respectability.

See the Cognitive Distortion there? Which leads to the Emotional Distortion. Thanks Dr David D Burns.